Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Confusion? Yep. Totally confused. Either he doesn’t know what he wants, can’t explain what he wants, is afraid to ask for what he wants ….I just know nothing about him after 42 years. I’m not a mind reader, I’m tired of being responsible for all the decision making, I don’t have a crystal ball. I am exhausted and my very simple needs are not met despite the fact that I’ve clearly defined everything for him. He hides behind his work. I’ve moved out. If he can’t define what his path looks like for him, I’m building a new road. Thank you Mr. Robarge.
@mary wolfe trust and respect are more important than love in a long term relationship. While you maybe be to fix a respect issue, trust is a very hard problem to fix.
Everything you described was where I was at in my 20 year marriage. I should have ended it way before I did. When he took a breath I was irritated. It was just a projection of inner work I needed to do that had nothing to do with him. I was miserable.
Thank you for the kind, supportive words. I'm really glad to hear you're finding value in my work. We talk more about creating action plans to end in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for your support.
You just described my ENTIRE relationship, point by point. Almost 4 years together, and it ended a few days ago. I’ve been so caught up in the grief over this “fantasy” of the good times we had, but this just snapped me back into reality. I had even planned a trip for us to Paris (I will now be going without him). My ex betrayed my trust pretty much in the beginning. I believed things would change...and that I could get passed these feelings of mistrust, paranoia and so much resentment/contempt on a daily basis. It’s been so mentally and physically exhausting. Now, I’m just focusing on my healing and the relief of no longer having the daily anxiety of wondering if he was lying to me. THANK YOU!
kattoo13 I agree I’m focusing on my healing . It’s been 9 months and the looping crazy obsession has been removed as I feel my feelings . But there is a very mild fantasy and upset about it is over.
Holy shit does this resonate. My ex raked every last nerve I had. Clearly he felt the same way. For years it was great. Then it wasn't. He was the opposite of what I want in many ways.
Similar story for me, too. My ex and I got on so well, like we'd always known each other, it was uncanny. Then we moved in with each other and the relationship deteriorated as everything she did got on my nerves. I became so snappy with her because of that and the sex dying. I'm not sure if the sex died and then I found her irritating, or the other way around. That chicken and egg scenario is what eroded our intimacy over the two years we lived together. Erch. Sorry to ramble, it helps to write my thoughts. It''s also strange how you can go from loving someone and having so much in common to things falling apart. I don't get it. I thought her and I would always be together 😕
Love your work, Alan. Thank you for helping me recover. I am 66, so it's never too late. This is my favorite video so far, and the timing in my life is perfect. I will pass it along to all the people I know who are still in recovery. BRAVO! You are a gift to mankind. Truly.
This is incredible. I feel both reminded of issues and vindicated for them after listening. My communication was awful for most of the time, I was unable to speak without snapping at her after so much resentment had set in. We still spent time together and had good times in the last year but something was missing. When we initially split it was horrible, but was a relief too. In the long run it's been incredibly tough. However, when I think about it, I was repelled in the end and tried to spend as much time away from her as possible. That's not right. Thank you for this moment of clarity, I needed it. It's been a tough day.
Thanks for the encouragement. Glad this content is helpful. You may want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Appreciate the comment.
1. A lot of confusion in life. 2. Resentment, growing on for sometime (ongoing irritation, disgusting feeling), picking up on small stuff 3. Highly suspectful, ERODED TRUST. 4. Gridlock place, given up on relationships, no one take lead to repair relationships, if one does partner put then down. Expectations to read mind by partner. *5. Cronic feeling of unsettelment, unease, disgusting when together. Staying apart feels relief.* 6. Continue arguing, drama cycle highs and lows cycle. Poking eachother, bringing old arguments. 7. No direct intimacy. No meaningful conversation. 8. You can't see future together. No realistic dream together. But a lot unrealistic future fantacy, future faking when present situation is not working, no loving, connecting situation.
I can tell you were tuned in with this video. Great list. You seem self-aware. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thankyou so much from bottom of my heart, for your videos and informations Alan. What else can I say, yes, my relationship was ticking all the points you made here, giving me extra clarity. But avoidance behavior still putting me off from taking actions. I am going be alright. Everythings going to be alright.
Thank you so much for this video, I also believe that fact that I am asking this question, is it is time to END this relationship that I am current in. You are the best and broke it down to a point of understanding the signs. Reality check, time for me to embrace my fears and move on. Thank you again. Peace and Blessings.
What if it’s one person undermining the others partners attempts to repair? Silent treatment, isolation, not taking responsibility, gaslighting their partner. Is this attachment trauma or abuse?
I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I see some of these scenarios as repairable, as situations where communication has gone bad or really bad. Expert help would be needed, of course, but if we are misinterpreting each other or we have built up resentment, I think those are things that could be worked out and repaired.
We really need your coaching with the next step. How to actually end it. What to say, when to bring it up, what to do after, how to deal with the other person's emotions, their anger and denial, their unwillingness to cooperate and let it go. How do we walk away, Alan....
Yes of course. I agree. That is why I have created over 150 videos, multiple series to address certain patterns, have 2 years worth of long form blog posts and essays, and created the community Improve Your Relationships with the 8-week program of reoccurring thematic discussions and a system to map out personal plans of self-directed healing. Much content to cover requiring willingness to commit to a healing lifestyle, gather resources and tools to work with changing patterns. Glad you have clarity on what you are learning and working on next. Here's a playlist of 8 videos titled: Stuck and Cannot End Relationship or Marriage. Much of this continuing value is offered for free. Please consider supporting my work by joining us in the membership community. It would be great to have you. If you benefit from these free resources, you will benefit as a member of the community: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register Thanks for listening to the podcast.
This video WILL help you gain that perspective that you didn't know you needed to hear. Thanks Robarge. This was practically my recently ended relationship. Do you think a relationship like this is still salvageable? Maybe after we have each worked on ourselves?
Oh my goodness! I freaking love the "crumbs " shirt. I've been using that as description for my relationship the last 18 months or so and have told my girlfriend I feel like I'm being thrown breadcrumbs to keep me invested! I'll be ordering that in my favorite color purple!
First time watching and you made things clear in my relationship with someone who is detached and i was feeling overwhelmed and now can let go before more time is wasted thinking he is going to change
My boyfriend is trust worthy. He hasn't done anything for me to question if he is a liar or a cheater. In saying that I know i have issues and or insecurities because I have felt the urge to check his phone or go through his social media....but he is so open about it. He will give me his phone and ask me to respond to messages for him. Even now with all the heart ache I am giving myself. I'm trying to communicate to him that he is lacking in emotional connection and all he says is sorry he will try to do better. Honestly makes me want to cry because now I see I'm the one with the problem. Sometimes everything is perfect because I have moments when I realize it is not his job to make me happy. That is my own. And there are times when I'm so emotionally distressed and I want some comfort from my partner and I don't get that. So I guess I'm at the point where I need to work on myself and make the decision if this is the relationship for me. Thanx
Robarge must have been in a relationship like this because he has everything nailed down to a tee. Incredible videos. Wish I could say life changing but staying together for the kids seems to keep my marriage from officially ending.
I have so many questions, haha. I was going to ask something but I think i may need to sit down with someone because it seems too complicated, and i cannot put my thoughts into one single question. Some great points here and things to think about. I feel like I'm directly in the middle, like sitting on a fence and could lean one way or the other.
If everyone was healthy emotionally and were educated in recognising their own emotions we would do so much better. A ‘trust inventory’, a ‘kindness inventory’....it’s not positive when I look at my 5 year relationship. My resentment bank is full, I made so many deposits in there. I couldn’t discuss with him because he would ‘link’ everything and when we did talk it would always end in him saying he was a bad person, and should just die, in fact I lost track of the number of times he said that. I never felt like he was there for me, there was no emotional reliability. Is it possible to work with you Alan ? Nothing available on your website on the appointments calendar ??
unfortunately i am in the middle of divorce process right now, but my feelings are very mixed. listening to this recording resonated with me almost 100%, very scary. still this is a very hard decision. i have been thinking that it is just me being unsatisfied about everything but it seems that is not the whole explanation. very sad.
Thanks for watching, Genie. I'm so glad this resonated with you and that you felt understood while watching it. Since the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad that you found this enlightening and that this resonated with you. I want to invite you to check out my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I explain the different ways that we respond to distress in relationships based on past attachment injuries and traumas. This can benefit everyone, as learning about and acknowledging our responses can lead us to better understanding and improvement in the way that we relate to others and ourselves. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Along with this, if the information in my video benefits you, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Iris, Sending you empathy for this tough time. Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This would have fit a little more so a few years back, but even then it didn't quite. And especially now, it's getting really good. We're untraining ourselves from pushing those buttons/not connecting and leaning more into the love we do have for each other, and trying to find a healthy balance. But we've never dated; instead one was led on, the other kept bringing up this pain/mistake for years, whilst the other got angry this, and continue the cycle of not authentic relating. No passive agression, but hurtful words/actions, but none deliberate. All of this adds up to the greatest love i know, and the greatest pain, and the biggest question-now that it's finally good, do I leave for my health?
I hear you! I'm reminded of how we need an action-plan for any major transition. Glad you connected with this video. Please also share with others who may resonate with it. Thanks.
Broken trust Contempt Expecting other person to read your mind Feels silly to believe in future dreams Walking on egg eggshells Not wating to be in partners presence Drama and chaos Too much Arguing and Intentional fighting Anger Giving silent treatment Passive aggressive attacks Little tolerance Its challenging to be in a realtionship with them Creating huge plans that make no sense or reflect reality.
Maybe... if they both want to change. Sometimes, only one person in the relationship wants more. The other person is satisfied with the current status.
I'm glad you liked the video - thank you for watching. Since the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for being so engaged in all of my videos. I appreciate you sharing your perspective and experience. A lot of these things can feel overwhelming, but you're not alone. Thanks for your question. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions. I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Along with this, you might want to discuss this type of question in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a space for people to come from all over to discuss, learn, grow, and heal from attachment injuries and traumas. All of the members are kind and supportive, and we would love to have you join in on our conversations. Check it out now: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Javier, you're welcome. Glad you liked this one. You might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Also, we talk more on this topic in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
thanks! Glad you like this one. If you like this video then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This isn't uncommon, although I know it is confusing, painful, overwhelming, and sometimes frustrating. You're not alone. Many of us have the same experience and feeling that we're trying to navigate. You may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How do you know it is time to end relationship with a therapist? What are signs a therapist is committing malpractice or crossing ethical boundaries with clients.
Deborah, thanks for the questions. I value your exploration and reaching out for resources to find out when to end a relationship with a therapist. This sounds like it may spark good discussion for other people as well. I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I've been wondering why my ex partner's psychologist has been visiting at his home. He seems to revel in his relationship with her, and never wanted her to see me with him. I've talked about this issue with my counselor and he stops short of saying that this is malpractice but I believe he thinks so.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
“Sometimes spending time apart feels like relief”
Me: *screams* YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Always. I love when he’s gone.
Best online relationship therapist for people with attachment/trauma issues!!
Marcy Allison agreed!
Confusion? Yep. Totally confused. Either he doesn’t know what he wants, can’t explain what he wants, is afraid to ask for what he wants ….I just know nothing about him after 42 years. I’m not a mind reader, I’m tired of being responsible for all the decision making, I don’t have a crystal ball. I am exhausted and my very simple needs are not met despite the fact that I’ve clearly defined everything for him. He hides behind his work. I’ve moved out. If he can’t define what his path looks like for him, I’m building a new road. Thank you Mr. Robarge.
How do I know when to end a relationship? When I start watching videos like this
Hahahahhaa! Oh man so true I’m in the same boat
For real!!
Hahaha true
Exactly.
"A strong feeling that you just don't like him or her." lol
Oh god help me!
Trust is the foundation of any. HEALTHY. relationship!
YES, Affairs, Lies, Betrayals, Financial deceit. Impossible to ever trust that person again. Then he plays victim and blames. Will never trust again.
@mary wolfe trust and respect are more important than love in a long term relationship. While you maybe be to fix a respect issue, trust is a very hard problem to fix.
Yup. No trust= no relationship.
@@wildhorses6817 she*
Dude this guy is so spot on like omg
The most important talk about relationships ever. You are doing great work.
Everything you described was where I was at in my 20 year marriage. I should have ended it way before I did. When he took a breath I was irritated. It was just a projection of inner work I needed to do that had nothing to do with him. I was miserable.
my situation is the same. just very scared to move forward alone.
@@riittakorpipaa4714 same
How do you feel now that you ended it? Are you happy you did it?
@@riittakorpipaa4714 . Same
love your honesty
I hope you read this.
You are such a decent and sweet human being.
When i listen to you, i feel loved.
Thank you for the kind, supportive words. I'm really glad to hear you're finding value in my work. We talk more about creating action plans to end in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week cycle of the program starting Monday 5/3. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, since you liked this video you might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Lastly, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for your support.
You just described my ENTIRE relationship, point by point. Almost 4 years together, and it ended a few days ago.
I’ve been so caught up in the grief over this “fantasy” of the good times we had, but this just snapped me back into reality. I had even planned a trip for us to Paris (I will now be going without him).
My ex betrayed my trust pretty much in the beginning. I believed things would change...and that I could get passed these feelings of mistrust, paranoia and so much resentment/contempt on a daily basis. It’s been so mentally and physically exhausting.
Now, I’m just focusing on my healing and the relief of no longer having the daily anxiety of wondering if he was lying to me. THANK YOU!
kattoo13
Hi I had a similar experience with ex . I’m so glad I ended it . Alan is amazing
kattoo13
I agree I’m focusing on my healing . It’s been 9 months and the looping crazy obsession has been removed as I feel my feelings . But there is a very mild fantasy and upset about it is over.
Similar experiences. I gave up on trying last month and decided to walk away. Now I have to learn to love myself instead of trying to fix him.
This man needs a podcast
Yes, DeAnna! Thank you so much. It's in the works. lol.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTraumaI can’t wait 😊
Holy shit does this resonate. My ex raked every last nerve I had. Clearly he felt the same way. For years it was great. Then it wasn't. He was the opposite of what I want in many ways.
Similar story for me, too. My ex and I got on so well, like we'd always known each other, it was uncanny. Then we moved in with each other and the relationship deteriorated as everything she did got on my nerves. I became so snappy with her because of that and the sex dying. I'm not sure if the sex died and then I found her irritating, or the other way around. That chicken and egg scenario is what eroded our intimacy over the two years we lived together. Erch.
Sorry to ramble, it helps to write my thoughts. It''s also strange how you can go from loving someone and having so much in common to things falling apart. I don't get it. I thought her and I would always be together 😕
Love your work, Alan. Thank you for helping me recover. I am 66, so it's never too late. This is my favorite video so far, and the timing in my life is perfect. I will pass it along to all the people I know who are still in recovery. BRAVO! You are a gift to mankind. Truly.
This is incredible. I feel both reminded of issues and vindicated for them after listening. My communication was awful for most of the time, I was unable to speak without snapping at her after so much resentment had set in. We still spent time together and had good times in the last year but something was missing.
When we initially split it was horrible, but was a relief too. In the long run it's been incredibly tough. However, when I think about it, I was repelled in the end and tried to spend as much time away from her as possible. That's not right.
Thank you for this moment of clarity, I needed it. It's been a tough day.
This guy is genius. Book him for a personal. He figured out where my core issues are coming from in ten minutes!!
Thanks for the encouragement. Glad this content is helpful. You may want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Appreciate the comment.
The URL is not working
1. A lot of confusion in life.
2. Resentment, growing on for sometime (ongoing irritation, disgusting feeling), picking up on small stuff
3. Highly suspectful, ERODED TRUST.
4. Gridlock place, given up on relationships, no one take lead to repair relationships, if one does partner put then down. Expectations to read mind by partner.
*5. Cronic feeling of unsettelment, unease, disgusting when together. Staying apart feels relief.*
6. Continue arguing, drama cycle highs and lows cycle. Poking eachother, bringing old arguments.
7. No direct intimacy. No meaningful conversation.
8. You can't see future together. No realistic dream together. But a lot unrealistic future fantacy, future faking when present situation is not working, no loving, connecting situation.
I can tell you were tuned in with this video. Great list. You seem self-aware.
This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thankyou so much from bottom of my heart, for your videos and informations Alan. What else can I say, yes, my relationship was ticking all the points you made here, giving me extra clarity. But avoidance behavior still putting me off from taking actions. I am going be alright. Everythings going to be alright.
Wow, this guy is right to the point, very helpful. He pointed out many things that makes you think.
You’re an amazing therapist. I’ve been around since the late 80’s and your work is classic, great care.
Thank you so much for this video, I also believe that fact that I am asking this question, is it is time to END this relationship that I am current in. You are the best and broke it down to a point of understanding the signs. Reality check, time for me to embrace my fears and move on. Thank you again. Peace and Blessings.
Ow. Useful, but painfully accurate.
Endings are the worst for me
Traumatizing
What if it’s one person undermining the others partners attempts to repair? Silent treatment, isolation, not taking responsibility, gaslighting their partner. Is this attachment trauma or abuse?
I don't know, I'm not an expert, but I see some of these scenarios as repairable, as situations where communication has gone bad or really bad. Expert help would be needed, of course, but if we are misinterpreting each other or we have built up resentment, I think those are things that could be worked out and repaired.
Co dependent talk.
@@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488😂
We really need your coaching with the next step. How to actually end it.
What to say, when to bring it up, what to do after, how to deal with the other person's emotions, their anger and denial, their unwillingness to cooperate and let it go. How do we walk away, Alan....
Yes of course. I agree. That is why I have created over 150 videos, multiple series to address certain patterns, have 2 years worth of long form blog posts and essays, and created the community Improve Your Relationships with the 8-week program of reoccurring thematic discussions and a system to map out personal plans of self-directed healing. Much content to cover requiring willingness to commit to a healing lifestyle, gather resources and tools to work with changing patterns. Glad you have clarity on what you are learning and working on next. Here's a playlist of 8 videos titled: Stuck and Cannot End Relationship or Marriage. Much of this continuing value is offered for free. Please consider supporting my work by joining us in the membership community. It would be great to have you. If you benefit from these free resources, you will benefit as a member of the community: alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register Thanks for listening to the podcast.
Answer: engage in disciplined healing work, which is why I create the learning community Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This video WILL help you gain that perspective that you didn't know you needed to hear. Thanks Robarge. This was practically my recently ended relationship. Do you think a relationship like this is still salvageable? Maybe after we have each worked on ourselves?
This is spot on.
Oh my goodness! I freaking love the "crumbs " shirt. I've been using that as description for my relationship the last 18 months or so and have told my girlfriend I feel like I'm being thrown breadcrumbs to keep me invested! I'll be ordering that in my favorite color purple!
Thank you. Glad you like it.
First time watching and you made things clear in my relationship with someone who is detached and i was feeling overwhelmed and now can let go before more time is wasted thinking he is going to change
Going thru relationship issues now and your advice really helps. Thanks!
Its ok to fail. Marriage is hard find the right thing for you☺this talk should help me. Thank you.
True Forgiveness and growing up would end a lot of this pain.
I found you today, I’m very happy I did.My marriage of 1 year is a true dump.😔
Can we plz chat..
Omg I’m 6 months into mine and it’s awful. Debating divorce
@@noirfit9721 The longer you take to end a bad marriage the harder it is to end it
One year here too. I hate it. Zero respect. Little sex. Just straight contempt on my end and probably that fake contempt from his end.
Noir Fit if you’re thinking it now, do it. Get out while it’s still early. I wish I would have. I feel stuck. I hate my husband if one year.
This guy is fantastic really gets it and I'm learning so much I never knew bless you Alan thank you
My boyfriend is trust worthy. He hasn't done anything for me to question if he is a liar or a cheater. In saying that I know i have issues and or insecurities because I have felt the urge to check his phone or go through his social media....but he is so open about it. He will give me his phone and ask me to respond to messages for him. Even now with all the heart ache I am giving myself. I'm trying to communicate to him that he is lacking in emotional connection and all he says is sorry he will try to do better. Honestly makes me want to cry because now I see I'm the one with the problem. Sometimes everything is perfect because I have moments when I realize it is not his job to make me happy. That is my own. And there are times when I'm so emotionally distressed and I want some comfort from my partner and I don't get that. So I guess I'm at the point where I need to work on myself and make the decision if this is the relationship for me. Thanx
Robarge must have been in a relationship like this because he has everything nailed down to a tee. Incredible videos. Wish I could say life changing but staying together for the kids seems to keep my marriage from officially ending.
I have so many questions, haha. I was going to ask something but I think i may need to sit down with someone because it seems too complicated, and i cannot put my thoughts into one single question. Some great points here and things to think about. I feel like I'm directly in the middle, like sitting on a fence and could lean one way or the other.
If everyone was healthy emotionally and were educated in recognising their own emotions we would do so much better. A ‘trust inventory’, a ‘kindness inventory’....it’s not positive when I look at my 5 year relationship. My resentment bank is full, I made so many deposits in there. I couldn’t discuss with him because he would ‘link’ everything and when we did talk it would always end in him saying he was a bad person, and should just die, in fact I lost track of the number of times he said that. I never felt like he was there for me, there was no emotional reliability. Is it possible to work with you Alan ? Nothing available on your website on the appointments calendar ??
you are quiet right, but made me feel horrible sadness because of my loss, trust evils
Wow amazing fantastic
You woke me up big time
It is hard being on the receiving end of someone who is distrustful and contemptuous without reason.
unfortunately i am in the middle of divorce process right now, but my feelings are very mixed. listening to this recording resonated with me almost 100%, very scary. still this is a very hard decision. i have been thinking that it is just me being unsatisfied about everything but it seems that is not the whole explanation. very sad.
Im sorry. Best wishes
I am so glad I found your channel! Thank you so much for sharing with the world! Perfect timing for me to find you!
So precise! this is the first talk that describes my situation to the ‘T’... thank u so much!
Thanks for watching, Genie. I'm so glad this resonated with you and that you felt understood while watching it.
Since the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I prolonged the ending for at least two years. Best to rip off the band-aid. Cut bait and get out.
I wish i could talk to you.
Alan, how do you have such incredible in-depth insight, how.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad that you found this enlightening and that this resonated with you.
I want to invite you to check out my course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. In this course, I explain the different ways that we respond to distress in relationships based on past attachment injuries and traumas. This can benefit everyone, as learning about and acknowledging our responses can lead us to better understanding and improvement in the way that we relate to others and ourselves. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Along with this, if the information in my video benefits you, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This describes my relationship exactly 🤦🏽♂️
I'm going through a tough time and I wanna leave.
Iris, Sending you empathy for this tough time. Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hi Iris how things with you. ??
This would have fit a little more so a few years back, but even then it didn't quite. And especially now, it's getting really good. We're untraining ourselves from pushing those buttons/not connecting and leaning more into the love we do have for each other, and trying to find a healthy balance.
But we've never dated; instead one was led on, the other kept bringing up this pain/mistake for years, whilst the other got angry this, and continue the cycle of not authentic relating. No passive agression, but hurtful words/actions, but none deliberate.
All of this adds up to the greatest love i know, and the greatest pain, and the biggest question-now that it's finally good, do I leave for my health?
I did not trust my spouse and I was right, looked in his phone and saw text messages of his affair!
Yes, very painful.
Unless you are suffering from paranoia or unreasonable bouts of insecurity, your instincts typically know when something is wrong.
@@user-gi6ee8vj1y plus gaining 70 pounds...there's that heads up too.
I've been here for a long time and it's time to move on!
I hear you! I'm reminded of how we need an action-plan for any major transition. Glad you connected with this video. Please also share with others who may resonate with it. Thanks.
This hidden contempt is our anger for not getting what we want all that time
Thanks for reflecting.
Thank you. This is so helpful.❤
Glad you're finding benefit. You're welcome.
Wow, this guy is good.
Broken trust
Contempt
Expecting other person to read your mind
Feels silly to believe in future dreams
Walking on egg eggshells
Not wating to be in partners presence
Drama and chaos
Too much Arguing and Intentional fighting
Anger
Giving silent treatment
Passive aggressive attacks
Little tolerance
Its challenging to be in a realtionship with them
Creating huge plans that make no sense or reflect reality.
Alan, do you think if both partners have this information about attachment trauma that they can successfully work on fixing the relationship together?
Maybe... if they both want to change. Sometimes, only one person in the relationship wants more. The other person is satisfied with the current status.
thank you.
Wow I needed to hear this:( thank you
I'm glad you liked the video - thank you for watching. Since the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Know I have to end it but it will mean I become a homeless. The other possibility is staying and try to manage. Worst time of my life.
I hear you. Many of us have also been in that situation.
Yep. Just... yep
Festering and resentment....oh yes....
What about a person suffering from romance addiction ? Or rocd . You become irritated with your partner for no particular reason .
Thank you for being so engaged in all of my videos. I appreciate you sharing your perspective and experience. A lot of these things can feel overwhelming, but you're not alone.
Thanks for your question. While I cannot always answer questions directly due to the range of conditions and history unique to each situation, I do value your exploration and curiosity. We grow by asking questions.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Along with this, you might want to discuss this type of question in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. It's a space for people to come from all over to discuss, learn, grow, and heal from attachment injuries and traumas. All of the members are kind and supportive, and we would love to have you join in on our conversations. Check it out now: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow! Thank You!
Javier, you're welcome. Glad you liked this one. You might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, we talk more on this topic in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Okay!
What if closure is not allowed? No apologies. Complete gaslighting continues about each argument had throughout the years.
Empathy to you. This sounds hard.
Thank you !
You're welcome
So true.
Love it 😊
Glad to hear you love this one. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
Exelent video
thanks! Glad you like this one.
If you like this video then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
great job
thanks
I don’t know what to do :S
This isn't uncommon, although I know it is confusing, painful, overwhelming, and sometimes frustrating. You're not alone. Many of us have the same experience and feeling that we're trying to navigate.
You may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Do you make podcasts?
The fear of losing someone is the cause of losing him/her..
Great insight. Glad you connected with this video. Please also share it with friends who may resonate. Thanks.
How do you know it is time to end relationship with a therapist? What are signs a therapist is committing malpractice or crossing ethical boundaries with clients.
Deborah, thanks for the questions. I value your exploration and reaching out for resources to find out when to end a relationship with a therapist. This sounds like it may spark good discussion for other people as well.
I created a system of submitting questions as ideas that I might explore on future videos. If you would like your question to be considered, please submit it via my website by going to www.alanrobarge.com/questions
Also due to the nature of your question, you might be interested in taking the quiz about The Four Attachment Distress Responses. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I've been wondering why my ex partner's psychologist has been visiting at his home. He seems to revel in his relationship with her, and never wanted her to see me with him. I've talked about this issue with my counselor and he stops short of saying that this is malpractice but I believe he thinks so.
Wow it sounds like me!!! Ahhhhh
💕
Okay!