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A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Shelly renee white
I think it's really admirable that you and your partner both worked on and saved your marriage. I think that if you both want to do the work you can save it. I think when it's time to let go is when the other person refuses to help or doesn't do the work. You can't force your partner to try and in those cases it's better to just walk away.
This is so completely spot on. My man was an avoidant and I was anxious. But through hard work,therapy,devotion and love we survived. And are now thriving. I'm so glad we didn't give up. But we're so secure now we could leave without it being the end of the world. Although I don't see that happening. He's my dream man now ❤
@@Ark-ys2up we started doing counseling. Both couples and alone. We both got incredibly healthy with our diets and habits so we kinda bonded on wanting to evolve better habits for ourselves. It was not easy to completely unlearn something we both have always had since childhood. Through deep truly vulnerable talks,that we had never had before,we grew closer. He could finally tell me his deepest stories,thoughts ,concerns. And he finally learned to hold a safe space for me to vent and share my wants needs etc. But it's all through communication. I ask him hey do you have the energy and time to talk when I'm having a rough day and want to slip into that anxiousness. He'll say yes or can you give me an hour I just need to do x y z. It truly takes deep inner work on both ends. He has taken so much initiative. He gives me a heads up on most things now because he knows it's important to me. I give him his space when he just needs a day to reboot. We both slip into old ways or at least find ourselves wanting to. When that happens we're just honest about what we're going through and realize we chose this new path we have to stick to it. When those moments happened in the beginning of this journey we would set up emergency therapy sessions also. It's gotten better now because we catch ourselves before we skip. No relationship is rainbows and sunshine. But when you're committed to self improvement both separately and together, quantum leaps can happen. We changed our bad habits to good ones. The way any habits are changed. Through repetition! I hope this helps anyone going through this. I promise it will get better and things can change. Both people have to want it!
Dang, the part about insecure attachment operating “strategically” and then having regrets about what if they’d used a different strategy vs. Secure attachment operating cleanly/genuinely/ laying all their cards out and feeling clear (yet sad) about a breakup is such an aha.
Same feeling for me 😂I always start out so confident in relationships then I slowly break down and lose myself. People are so complex and I don’t feel like I can do it again even though I’m so lonely
After many, many years of ambivalence, suffering, and uncertainty, I finally ended a 12 year relationship with my high school sweetheart, and mere hours later, you post this video THE EXACT SAME DAY. Everything in this video is so spot-on. In all areas of my life, I have always felt alone, dysfunctional, dysregulated, irrational, disconnected, lost. In your videos-especially this one-I have never felt so seen in my entire life. Heidi, you must be a guardian angel or something. Thank you.
58 yo here, never heard of attachment theory until 3 months ago. I’m obviously an anxious. I’ve been seeking help since I was young adult in one way or another some good some… not so much. When I heard the anxious being described and explained. It was an explosively life shaking event for me. Every question, reason, results, and every aspect of my life finally answered in 10 mins! Awareness has been powerful for me…. Lifted the shame, which is ……just horrible. Now I finally know exactly why. Lot of work ahead and regret for it not happening sooner. But it is such a big in my life for so long. I’m jumping up and down in joy.
I appreciate this woman..but still don't wanna be with my wife after 12 years. Just begged and asked and fought for years over communicating, she barely cleans cooks or gets the kids to school on time. I pay all the bills, paid em since the day we met and she iis just soooo lazy..come home to a trashed house, dishes haven't been done all week, kids haven't eaten lunch nor dinner. I work nights, 120 hrs every 2 weeks in the medical field, and make it home to the same way I left it...she sits on her ass binge watching TV shows and tries to hurry up and clean an hour before I get home. I've expressed that this really irritates me for 7 years now and nothing changes.she will get on the ball for a day maybe 2 after we fight but go right back to her lazy ways within those 2 days. I'm jus tired of it. I have nothing left to give her. I am now at the point where I'm considering other women. Just need to leave but don't want to leave our 3 kids. But as I feel right now she makes me not want to be here.. living. She has been the downfall of my life. I make 100k a year and I'm broke, paying her debt off and mine and taking care of the kids, the house the 3 cars it's all on me it feels and she doesn't care..I don't mind paying all the bills, I just guess I expected a house wife to do housewife things. Cook,clean,take care of kids and I guess I was wrong. Just wish I made a different choice, wish I married a real woman and not this child
15:29 “you might have an anxious-leaning partner, who just tells you over and over again that you’re their favorite person in the world, that they can’t imagine life without you. But it also feels like they’re chronically kind of angry at you, or actually really displeased with your priorities and values that they’re claiming they like.” I’m listening to this line on repeat.
I love that you haven’t followed the formula for daily/regular videos or videos of a certain length and your channel has still quadrupled in subscribers in a year. Shows how valuable what you’re doing is
"Strategy mode" sounds like a term that could be useful. All these years, I have been so sick and tired of *something* about my relationship dynamics; all of that trying, doing, hoping, being amazing, jumping through hoops, and looking for ways to get noticed, and all those maybes, coulds, what-ifs and if-onlys. And now I have a word for it.
I ended a relationship that I was still very much wanting to stay in a few weeks ago... I just couldn't take the avoidance anymore. I tried so hard to be patient and understanding, but got nothing back in return and felt taken for granted. Yet for some reason, I still feel attached. I'll be listening to this on my drive to work tomorrow.
I feel your pain. My ex partner knew how to receive love but not how to give it or live in it.I had to leave at some point I fell out of love and it all just became attachment. I don’t feel for her anymore I don’t want her back. That was so painful
Your videos have helped facilitate a lot of healing and growth. And it's so generous of you to share your learning and insight with us gratis. Thank you thank you. (Please don't respond; it'll feel like I'm buying a reply. In the same way that you share what you have with us for free, this is what I have to share right now, with no expectation in return. Wish it could be more, you certainly deserve it.)
I finally let him go after 2 weeks of him ghosting me. Sent him a message telling him that I love him too much but it's not what he wanted and that I needed to heal. I became too attached to him and it suffocated him. I made him my saviour. I lost myself in the relationship and valued myself based on how he treated me. I am slowly healing but it only happened when I finally sent him that final message.
You are so brave - I am proud of you. I want to be where you are but at this moment I feels as though I’m not ready. I’ve had so much pain, but I can’t let go yet for a variety of reasons.
Incidentally my bf is FA and recently ghosted me for 2 weeks minus two nights where he only texted the words Good night. As an AP w C-PTSD, even hours of stonewalling are excruciating…
I feel, from the limited knowledge and insight I have so far, we try to escape ourselves when our current reality is actually quite shitty. Like when we don't have a strong friend circle, unsatisfactory family bonds, career-related struggles etc. when basically most things or everything is messed up. At such times, it's easier to get stuck and attached in relationships that our toxic, because they're our are only escape/perceived 'saviour'
As an avoidant person struggling to accept my decision to end my relationship with a man I am still in love with. Heidi's advice has made me feel like I can survive this heartbreak aslong as I keep focused on this whole process. 3 months after breaking up, I have been rethinking my decision, but this has just reassured me. Thankyou 🙏🏻
Anyone can be compatible with anyone as long as both parties work together to make decisions. The problem with avoidants is they don't work with anyone. It's your responsibility to open up and yield.
You can and will survive this. And if you truly want to have a happy healthy relationship and life and are WILLing to do what it takes to get that life... You WILL have it. Future you is going to look back and thank current you for being so strong and for trying so hard....and for going through this uncomfortable phase and for suffering through negative emotions...kinda like a sacrifice of instant gratification for a lifetime of happiness. "Don't trade what you want the most for what you want right now"....good luck on your journey! You got this?
I have often noticed I start grieving a relationship before it even ends. It’s a weird, confusing state to be in like one foot out the door but my heart still in. It’s probably part of being FA but I’ve had secure/stable relationships as well. It takes two to tango and sometimes it’s better to cut our efforts. My brain almost always perceives this and I can’t not act on it after a while - but it still takes time to disentangle the heart. Thanks for this video! Best wishes to everyone else here !
@@elonas9487 that is indeed a long time. once you see something clearly, you can’t unsee it though… otherwise we are betraying ourselves. I wish you fortitude and peace. 💜
Heidi your channel has been probably the biggest factor in completely changing my life over the last 3 months and assisting me through the darkest period of my life. Thank you.
Girl, i needed this years ago 😅 but I did ultimately leave my husband a few months ago and WOW! I have never felt so good. It feels like it's the first time in my life I've truly been living. Everyone can see the difference in my spirit and say that I'm ✨glowing ✨ I cannot believe how much I was letting myself suffer by staying in the relationship!!
Dang it Heidi, how do you always do this to me?! After being unhappy for years, I separated from my wife last month. I am super interested to hear what you have to say on the topic! Thank you for continuing to make your videos, they (along with therapy) have helped me come so far in the last year!
I would love if you could make a follow up video about strengthening these areas in yourself after a break up. When I chose to end my relationship, I felt very secure in these areas. Then over time as I grieved the loss of this person being in my life, I started abandoning these areas one by one. I’m now feeling nostalgic for the relationship even tho I know it was not as healthy one because I’m associating success in these areas with my ex partner. Almost as if I don’t believe I can maintain them outside of a relationship.
Unbelievably timely. My ex ghosted me 4 weeks ago and we finally talked yesterday. I’m FA and I’ve been in my avoidant strategy but I knew this conversation would flip me over to anxious. Boy did it.
I tried to give my ex the opportunity to grow and a safe space for her to be vulnerable but our dynamic was her always trying to manipulate me to do what she wanted to by withholding affection and using other people to make me jealous so I let her go and now she's desperately trying to win me back but I don't want to go back. Despite that I'm still attached(probably trauma bonded) and although I do a good job deflecting her, it's still difficult to say no. Not just because of a bond but because I don't like hurting people.
At the end of August last year, my girlfriend broke up with me after a relationship that lasted about eight months. Ever since then, people have been trying to help me, but I never feel understood at all. I feel like I have not made a single step away from that relationship mentally, and I want nothing more than be with her again. Everyone has been telling me that time will heal my wounds. That I will be able to move on, that the pain will get better. Half a year has passed since then, and now I just feel worse if anything. It's at least a little validating to learn that it's normal for a breakup like mine to be so fucked up.
@@tOrangePeel1972 I've already taken steps in that direction. I talked to a therapist and was put on a one year long wait list. 🥲 Edit: I've also since been diagnosed with ADHD, as well as strong likelihood of autism. It's par for the course that I'm struggling this much. Additionally, my ex suffers from BPD, which made things even more complicated. It's a whole mess I got myself into.
I can relate to what you said. At the end of August last year, my bf and I agreed to break up after a year together. (I thought we would get married.)We kept in touch and would occasionally see each other. So it’s almost a year later - and it’s so painful to think about not talking to him anymore, to not have him in my life.
@@BillundBerries I feel the same... It's been August last year for me, too. We've been together for 6 years. Somehow I was slowly getting better - but just a week ago it hit me like a truck again. I just watched your eclipse video by the way and your narration made me smile. Thanks for that! I'm sure you'll be fine! Cheers from Germany.
Im a FA leaning anxious. What i don't understand is how do people stay years and years in these relationships. 4 months feeling miserable and i end it. I can't endure pain for to long. My last boyfriend left me hanging on my birthday to be with his friends, after i told him that was important for me. I ended it right there because there was no reasoning with him. I know it wasn't important for him, but in my mind when it's important for the person we love, its important for us. He couldn't understand this (or he didn't want to) so i ended it.
I hear you. I think it’s cause the instability in FA is so painful that it would be harder to stay longer? Consistent pain is somewhat more tolerable than rapidly changing and chaotic pain? Maybe FAs can’t dissociate as consistently with the switching.
I’m heavy DA leaning FA but I feel this. Once I see something I can’t unsee it - and if I feel devalued, disrespected or treated poorly I feel literally sick about it…
literally why all of the relationships ive been in have lasted maximum 4-5 months, im grateful to that side of me though because i believe if i didnt have that screaming voice inside of me alerting me of problems id end up like so many people stuck in unhappy relationships for years.
For me and my husband, we both basically recreated our toxic families so we thought these dynamics were normal 😔 We had become enmeshed/codependent which made it difficult to see and feel clearly. Felt like we "needed to fight" for the relationship without awareness of where to draw the line. Even unhealthy relationships provide a sense of security to insecure people and we weren't abusing each other so it wasn't super obvious to us that this wasn't healthy. So lots of healing to do now that I've left 😅 but glad I am aware to all of this now
@@Ark-ys2up it’s a blessing and a curse to be so sensitive in detecting patterns and changes in patterns - i guess we need to learn to more effectively advocate for ourselves whilst not hurting others along the way as opposed to feeling awful or even sick.. easier said than done!
Concise and actionable information. All of your videos are this way. You have a remarkable gift. It’s not just “advice” you’re teaching us how to ACTUALLY change, grow, heal and love ourselves.
Thank you because I am sure I'm not the only one who needs this. It's funny this came up just after I was looking at prices from Boston to Nebraska 🎉 My life not going anywhere with these people and I've worked so hard to turn my life around the last 4 years. Anyone going through similar, you are loved, you are needed, and you belong in happiness xoxoxoxo
Heidi, you are the most insightful person I've ever heard speak on human psychology. You are brilliant, and a gift. I listen to your videos over and over again, studying them, and get more and more from them the more I listen. Thank you so much for this. I wish I could have you as a therapist.
I needed this last year, grateful I finally had the courage to end it for good.. I hope there’s a second part about finding yourself again after being so enmeshed
Heidi - just wanna say I'm super happy to see your channel growing so much - I see more and more comments on every videos expressing gratitude for your content and I can totally relate to every one of them! Keep it coming, you're making huge waves - and you've changed my life massively (I'm so much healthier now because of you). X
Sure there's learned helplessness. There's also situations where illness, surgery, lack of safety nets, no family, student loan debt, having kids, stagnant wages and/or rent inflation can also be a thing that pulling oneself up by the boot straps and out of a relationship can be easier said then done.
I left while having a mountain of debt and pretty shitty job prospects. I'm glad I did, my mental health is getting immensely better. But the financial reality is brutal. Truly fucking brutal. I sometimes tear up thinking about small luxuries I could afford like regularly eating out. I would not have done anything differently though.
Thank you so much for this! I can see how far I've come in healing my anxious style. I also see what is left to be healed. Not beating myself up, just lovin myself through healing. You're wonderful ❤
Well, Fuck. Heidi, you make it seriously hard to shift the blame anymore. This video did it. I get it. If I needed signposts that I'm doin' it wrong, you gave them! Do I try to use strategies to work around my husband? Yup! Check. Could I imagine breaking things off with him and not "bleeding out?" No. Check. (Not literally, just I couldn't walk away without my life crumbling.) It points to poor sense of self and other relational issues. Attachment problems, confirmed. Check. So, it seems to me you have laid out my marching orders. Discover what gives me a sense of purpose. Get to know myself, my needs, my joys, and get comfortable being fully present. Through exploring my purpose, strengthen my friend connections and my sense of self-worth and self-trust and self-reliance. And, stop strategizing in dealing (or not dealing) with my husband. Have direct conversations and get curious. I have not felt safe to try this fully, because we each take things said personally and are in reactions to the stories we tell ourselves. I have to express my needs and wants and dreams. If after all the cards are on the table, we can't be people who become each other's havens and support each other to grow, then we should leave each other's company and trust we will heal. Now I just need to take some consistent action for myself to keep going on this learning curve. Looking at the amount of work I need to do has me in shock. I actually fell asleep during your video. It is absolutely not boring! I was not tired. My brain covered it's birdie cage to go to sleep and so I would not see. I rewound your video and watched it to the end. I am learning to recognize my emotional shut downs and stick with things even when it is hard. Tip of my hat to you!! You get all the credit there. I am so grateful to you Heidi! (Even when the brilliant things you say make me want to scream out my back door, throw my phone out a window, or crawl back into bed.) Instead, I will pull out a notebook and start exploring. (After I self-regulate by singing at the top of my lungs in the car.) Writing! Tomorrow.
Wow. I could have written this verbatim. Even the falling asleep part! You are literally another me. 😂 At least how your relationship is going and how you are dealing with it. How is the writing going two weeks later? Having just found this video today, I, too will start tomorrow!
Thank you for your videoes, this really couldn't have been more opportune for me as today was the day I finally made the choice to break away from someone I'd allowed in my life for too long, made excuses for, tried to love, both romantically and platonically, for too long and been prepared to invest so much of my self in. But I can't go on denying what every sense is telling me, has been screaming at me, I need to get away from them. Wish me luck.
Aw man I really could've used this. Unfortunately it's too little too late. She pulled the cord on us last week. I wish I had had the strength to end it months ago, the pain I'm going through right now would've been much easier to bear. I just hope there's still some salvageable part of me left in there somewhere to reconnect with...
Not what the video is intended for but this is also helping me understand the grief I feel when I lose a job (and all the people connected to it). No matter what the job was like, it's always very, very painful, and I never get a chance to share that pain with anyone, so that I can have it mirrored back to me.
I'm only 6 minutes into this video and AMAZED at how well you're articulating the exact situation I'm presently in! It's as if the universe is offering me the specific tools i need to extricate myself from a dynamic which is destroying me. Thank you for taking the time to make this video; i feel so understood, grateful for guidance, and hopeful that i can make it through this!
Reverend Heidi strikes again! You're the best Heidi...helping so many people across the globe. Also, for those interested I've been using Meta ai and Gemini for help with this and both me and my partner have been deeply impressed with its ability to support and mediate conversations. It's a new dawn
❤ good luck! Meta AI might be on updated WhatsApp or their website. Gemini is on Google assistant. Just watch tutorials for diy installation. It's easy, just speak to it like you're texting a friend.
So yes this resonates and I’ve been forced to “amputate” relationships in the past. However I’m having this experience now with my own adult children-dealing with struggles with addictions and mental health problems. Crisis and trauma along with cutoffs, blame and rage directed towards me. I feel like I’ve been treading water forever and cannot relax or breathe long enough to do much of anything else positive. Retired now but I’m definitely not appreciating life. The other shoe IS always dropping…for years now. I think there’s progress then Wham something comes out of left field and I’m again left not knowing what happened. The one experiencing the issues is worrying and the reaction of others to that behavior often results in judging my response or deciding not to engage. My extended family are not interested other than as their audience and subject myself to their silencing, judging, ridiculing, criticizing, ignoring and shaming me. Heaping shame on is unnecessary-I already do not share my experiences and worries with people I know because they have an entirely different experience of parents, family and their adult children. The little bit I have shared with friends or coworkers has been met with frowns, kind of blank stares and silence. I fervently wish I could share the family experiences and milestones that they value and enjoy, but it is not to be. The pain, grief and loss is relentless as time continues to fly by. I’m not young and a lot of milestones are already behind me. How do I leave my own grown children. -as they randomly come and go often with resentment, hurtful jibes, words and behaviors directed towards me. Minimal communication and requests to engage being respectful of their busy schedules, of theirs and/or their partners and grandchildren who are nearly grown now, often met with irritation like making time for me is a burden-not valued. I have taken care of myself and am generous with them. I’m the only parent who prepared an inheritance for them. I do not point that out other than to indicate I have a Trust in the event anything unexpected happens to me. Their dads left them nothing. Their dad’s new partners and children cared for instead. Certain adult children tend to show up randomly with a problem or hurt to process, then simply disappear again. Their fathers are no longer living. I feel like I am blamed for everything that upset or hurt them throughout their lives. extended family tends to perceive me and treat me dismissively or with blame and criticism. They do not make space or include me. There are issues around values which have been amplified over the past several years. Though I haven’t confronted them directly they are aware of my opinions and professional history. They tend to talk about me and poke at my ideas and opinions together. No matter how benign I attempt to be around them. Neglect, avoidance and abandonment is the rule. They occasionally ask for a favor-like dog sitting but that’s it. No genuine connection or contact . Lots of trauma addictions including codependency has been passed on intergenerationally. I am aware of my Complex Trauma I can’t speak for any of them. The extended family brush this concept off as weak and weird and circle the wagons-again. Painful. Healing efforts❤️🩹 constantly interrupted by more trauma and abandonment.😢 Thank you for sharing the information with clarity that offers a validation of much of my lived experience. I have a counselor-have for most my life. Some good and some harmful. Hope and energy battery is very low these days. I’ve chased purpose and meaning but it has eluded me. I saved babies lives for a living but don’t feel I matter to anyone other than 2 cats who are attached to my presence in a way people never have been. 😽
@@Ark-ys2up I’m sorry 😢 for your loss and inability to convince your parents to hear and see you in order to repair ruptured relationship and/or proceed building a healthy family. There are many things parents and children can disagree on and also legitimate hurt and failures. Parents are responsible when their children are growing up and require “good enough” parenting support while developing. Making amends may help when there are issues later. A good enough apology is necessary. But no guarantees. In my case I believe longstanding family dysfunction and trauma profoundly affects how everyone feels and engages now. I’d love to be the person to end the intergenerational trauma-I’m committed to healing ❤️🩹 but it’s painful and there are losses. People seem to wish to deny anything requires changing and in my experience they are looking for a scapegoat - that requires enablers which are sadly ready and willing. Humans acting tribal is hard to break through. But tiptoe or walking on eggshells is no bueno. It kills any authenticity and requires self abandonment. I wish you all the best and find peace as well as the chosen family that welcome and genuinely see you and your babes ❤️🩹
One thing I'm trying is to remember prior lovers who i had to walk away from. Once it felt like i would never be "over" them and would never want anyone else and yet.... I did. Again and again. So this current person will one day join their ranks.
This is so relatable. I'm thinking i might die if my current partner is gone, but then i remember i went through breakups before and i also thought i wouldn't survive because they were the loves of my life... but i did and they weren't.
Thank you so much for framing how it looks for securely attached vs insecurely attached. It really makes a difference being able to understand what it should look and feel like. Your work is incredibly helpful! 🙏
Right on Heidi! Yup. This pretty much sums it all up. Be free, feel free and you have all the right to remove yourself from any situation that is stagnating for you.
Summary/Overview: 00:00 Intro. 157 movie from 2010, emotional amputation. 08:10 Step 1: Contextualizing the situation properly for yourself 12:10 Secure/Simple vs Insecure/Complex breakup 26:15 Bok recommendation: How We Change (and 10 Reasons Why We Don't), 2020, Dr Ross Ellenhorn ~27:30 Focus shift, from amputation to injury, strengthening the muscles around it instead. ~26:00 Step 2 28:40 Connection to partner 29:50 Connection to self 33:00 Connection to resource 33:55 Connection to social networks 36:50 Connection to purpose 42:00 Step 3: Recovery plan from the exit/ breakup 48:40 Conclusion
Thank you so so much for making this video. I've had such an intense heartbreak recently which has been so difficult on me. I've always found solace in learning about things which scare me and that i find difficult and emotions around a difficult breakup can definitely be scary. I am looking forward to watching more of your videos and I am so grateful for the time you've taken to give us hope for development as well as understanding our relationships in order to live better. Thank you again. 🥰
Man... this is very healty and mature. The road for me to understand everything you're saying was long and challenging. Now, the road continue to live by those values that I hold. So much clarity. Thank you and be safe.
I’ve been enlightened in at least one way or more each time I watch one of your videos…. I learned probably five or six new & helpful things from this one. Thank you
Very well broken down. I’m actually getting along by myself after 16 years of marriage. Was very co dependent and forgot who I was. We were both toxic and brought all we knew to bring to the relationship but because we had messed up childhoods… it was a ship wreck! Finally after much time and research and hitting rock bottom… I’m learning to be happy in my own skin again and believe it or not… I can even handle rejection much better now. Cuz honestly, I also feel as tho… this person may not be WHAT I NEED either
Thank you! This is so helpful, validating and actionable particularly covering the differences between securely attached versus anxiously attached relationship especially when CPTSD is involved. Thank you also for speaking more slowly. Some of your past videos are much much faster. When you speak slowly and clearly it is so much easier to hear and integrate the information. Thank you for specifically covering this in depth.
this video is god sent, thank you so much + everyone who has the strength to end a relationship even though it literally feels like death - im so proud of you, please go ahead & treat yourself with something nice because you did a very good & important job ... I wish I would have broke n up with him because I wanted to do so everyday but I did not have the strength. which resulted in me suffering more than necessary & at the end he pulled the trigger
thank you so much for this video!! I have a long-term friendship where myself and the other person care about each other deeply but can’t seem to work through our conflicts no matter how sincerely we try to talk them out together, and we’ve considered going our separate ways / taking an extended break from the friendship several times but have never been able to actually follow through on that idea for more than a few months. a day or two after I watched this, my friend approached me to suggest another attempt at a break, and this time I’m hopeful I have a better understanding of what it’ll actually take to make it stick and why such a break is important to me in the first place. I want to get my inner child out from underneath that boulder
Heidi you are the best! Even though I already broke up 3 months ago and just happened to watch this video it really helps me with processing the break up. I keep villainizing my ex because his words didn't match his actions and it makes me feel like I have basically been abused by him I also see my part of working with strategies to make him show up in a way that I needed. And after the break up I thought a lot about the ways how I could have done things better or how things would have been better if he actually did do some work I now can accept: this person didn't keep their word and didn't act in favor of the relationship and this is enough data for me to walk away. Thank you!
Great video thank you! I've recently been trying to balance making decisions from a mixture of emotions and logic, rather than swinging from all of one, to all of the other!
Your content is insanely helpful and healing for me, thank you so so much really, it feels like you can hear our needs and just deliver a perfect video!
I went through a complex break up of a 28yr relationship a year and few months ago..Actually it feels like I am still going through that break up. This video tells me the areas that I haved worked on and the ones I still need to work on. I truly appreciate the work you do. I like how you talk to me. With patience love, compassion and care. We need more of you in this society. ❤
Dear Heidi. Im watching this video for the 2nd time and 🤷♀️ idk why I didn't catch it the 1st time but what you described in the 1st 6 min about how we are showing up in a relationship and having our jou de vive taken away is exactly how I felt in a relationship I left a month ago. It was hard to leave and it hurts but Im healing. Ive been beating myself up thinking I made a mistake because he is a really kind and generous person and why didnt i feel good inside the relationship. Im going to stop beating myself up now. I didn't feel good inside the relationship and that has to be enough for me. Thank you for all your videos. Your like therapy for me and I can actually see how far ive cine in healing ❤
I love the video and had to listen to it twice. I am presently going through this challenging time right now. My wife and I have gone through multiple marriage counseling sessions and still cannot agree to similar goals and values. We tend to fight over the same things incessantly never coming to agreement. So after 13 years we are splitting up. I am in my own individual therapy to help me through this, and the biggest issue I had for myself and for my therapist was if I know that this is for the best why is it that I keep wanting to re-engage with her? Why do I not want to let go when I know this relationship is toxic to me? What’s wrong with me?? This video was perfect. It addressed those feelings I am experiencing and put them in such a logical way that it was calming and reassuring. It is just what I needed. Thank you Heidi.
It’s been a year since the breakup but this is still super helpful. It would have been life changing 18 months ago but I’m so happy other people have the benefit of hearing this broken down so beautifully and compassionately. And even a year later this still helps me understand what I should focus on to improve my current situation and what I need to keep on top of constantly if I meet someone new. Thank you. ❤
Leaving the codependent/trauma bond relationship is so damn hard. I'm literally moving to another state because the distraction of the dopamine hit from the relationahip is too tempting. Its like he's an addiction. I recognize this isn't healthy and my gods do I want to stay! But I realize I need to work on healing this internal attachment toxicity. I want to feel safe inside, without "needing" him.
The content is always so helpful and constructive, and this video is particularly amazing! I also wonder how she can talk like this. Either she is a master reader or a master speaker. There is a fluency in this that makes it easy to follow. Thanks, Heidi, for sorting out our lives and loves!🙂
Your videos have helped me so much since I discovered your channel about six months ago… When this video popped up as the first recommended video on my feed, I kind of laughed lol A sign. All the things I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you so much.
This is brilliant. So clear. So many points I hadn't considered before - especially that 'strategy' approach. Countless times I've wondered - maybe I could/could've done this or that. Or the partner being your coregulation person! Yikes, how entangled that obviously is! Thank you.
I really wish I discovered your channel 6 months ago. Either way you have been a great well of knowledge for me the past 5 months. Thank you for sharing these videos.
I'm deeply grateful for your content! In this video I struggled a bit, when you adviced to lean to a support group. Well if I had to, I would, but I dont have assess to one. Finding a therapist or a group is very hard with a FA attachment style. I'm also not sure, how to let go of my relationship now, but it helped me very much that you pointed out that there are reasons or needs that get met by the person I love and therefor its important to get these meets met in another way. Also found the book recommendation about reasons why we change and why we dont interesting. So I wanna find out what prevents me from changing and I think that information gonna help me. Thank you!
I have been struggling with sense of purpose since I stopped working. Wound up in a dysfunctional relationship, struggled with ending it until we both decided we need to end it and have been stuck in feeling regret and sadness. I have a therapist and have relied on my social network Perhaps I need to focus more on my sense of purpose to get myself unstuck…
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A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is Shelly renee white
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks
You wont regret it
No such thing. Fairytale.
I think it's really admirable that you and your partner both worked on and saved your marriage. I think that if you both want to do the work you can save it. I think when it's time to let go is when the other person refuses to help or doesn't do the work. You can't force your partner to try and in those cases it's better to just walk away.
This is so completely spot on. My man was an avoidant and I was anxious. But through hard work,therapy,devotion and love we survived. And are now thriving. I'm so glad we didn't give up. But we're so secure now we could leave without it being the end of the world. Although I don't see that happening. He's my dream man now ❤
Thanks for sharing your success story 💜
I love this for you !
So happy for you!! Same situation for me, but he wasn't willing to work on it 😢😢 I'm in therapy myself now
Lucky you😢
@@Ark-ys2up we started doing counseling. Both couples and alone. We both got incredibly healthy with our diets and habits so we kinda bonded on wanting to evolve better habits for ourselves. It was not easy to completely unlearn something we both have always had since childhood. Through deep truly vulnerable talks,that we had never had before,we grew closer. He could finally tell me his deepest stories,thoughts ,concerns. And he finally learned to hold a safe space for me to vent and share my wants needs etc. But it's all through communication. I ask him hey do you have the energy and time to talk when I'm having a rough day and want to slip into that anxiousness. He'll say yes or can you give me an hour I just need to do x y z. It truly takes deep inner work on both ends. He has taken so much initiative. He gives me a heads up on most things now because he knows it's important to me. I give him his space when he just needs a day to reboot. We both slip into old ways or at least find ourselves wanting to. When that happens we're just honest about what we're going through and realize we chose this new path we have to stick to it. When those moments happened in the beginning of this journey we would set up emergency therapy sessions also. It's gotten better now because we catch ourselves before we skip. No relationship is rainbows and sunshine. But when you're committed to self improvement both separately and together, quantum leaps can happen. We changed our bad habits to good ones. The way any habits are changed. Through repetition! I hope this helps anyone going through this. I promise it will get better and things can change. Both people have to want it!
Dang, the part about insecure attachment operating “strategically” and then having regrets about what if they’d used a different strategy vs. Secure attachment operating cleanly/genuinely/ laying all their cards out and feeling clear (yet sad) about a breakup is such an aha.
Yeah, I liked that one so much that I started a doc for Heidi Priebe quotes just so I could write it down
Same feeling for me 😂I always start out so confident in relationships then I slowly break down and lose myself. People are so complex and I don’t feel like I can do it again even though I’m so lonely
@@whitewolf9547 it comes back always to working on yourself first
After many, many years of ambivalence, suffering, and uncertainty, I finally ended a 12 year relationship with my high school sweetheart, and mere hours later, you post this video THE EXACT SAME DAY. Everything in this video is so spot-on. In all areas of my life, I have always felt alone, dysfunctional, dysregulated, irrational, disconnected, lost. In your videos-especially this one-I have never felt so seen in my entire life. Heidi, you must be a guardian angel or something. Thank you.
I'm right there after 20 years
58 yo here, never heard of attachment theory until 3 months ago. I’m obviously an anxious. I’ve been seeking help since I was young adult in one way or another some good some… not so much. When I heard the anxious being described and explained. It was an explosively life shaking event for me. Every question, reason, results, and every aspect of my life finally answered in 10 mins! Awareness has been powerful for me…. Lifted the shame, which is ……just horrible. Now I finally know exactly why. Lot of work ahead and regret for it not happening sooner. But it is such a big in my life for so long. I’m jumping up and down in joy.
I totally agree an angel
My goodness - this is for me. Thank you so much. 🥹😭
I appreciate this woman..but still don't wanna be with my wife after 12 years. Just begged and asked and fought for years over communicating, she barely cleans cooks or gets the kids to school on time. I pay all the bills, paid em since the day we met and she iis just soooo lazy..come home to a trashed house, dishes haven't been done all week, kids haven't eaten lunch nor dinner. I work nights, 120 hrs every 2 weeks in the medical field, and make it home to the same way I left it...she sits on her ass binge watching TV shows and tries to hurry up and clean an hour before I get home. I've expressed that this really irritates me for 7 years now and nothing changes.she will get on the ball for a day maybe 2 after we fight but go right back to her lazy ways within those 2 days. I'm jus tired of it. I have nothing left to give her. I am now at the point where I'm considering other women. Just need to leave but don't want to leave our 3 kids. But as I feel right now she makes me not want to be here.. living. She has been the downfall of my life. I make 100k a year and I'm broke, paying her debt off and mine and taking care of the kids, the house the 3 cars it's all on me it feels and she doesn't care..I don't mind paying all the bills, I just guess I expected a house wife to do housewife things. Cook,clean,take care of kids and I guess I was wrong. Just wish I made a different choice, wish I married a real woman and not this child
Heidi Priebe should be declared a world wonder. ✨️😂 thank you for all the work that you do. 🙏🏼
She is stunning with a huge brain, so brilliant!
Heidi rocks!
Not a world wonder, but maybe a national cultural treasure
@@injinii4336 pretty sure she is Canadian, us US Citizens want to claim her too. 😆 and anyway her work knows no borders. World 👏🏼 Wonder 👏🏼 !!!!!!
@@Yintendo world treasure? I just dislike the idealization of calling anyone a 'wonder'
Nit-picky and silly? Perhaps.
15:29 “you might have an anxious-leaning partner, who just tells you over and over again that you’re their favorite person in the world, that they can’t imagine life without you. But it also feels like they’re chronically kind of angry at you, or actually really displeased with your priorities and values that they’re claiming they like.”
I’m listening to this line on repeat.
Me too. THIS right here is the main reason I left my relationship. Words and actions never matched up.
I love that you haven’t followed the formula for daily/regular videos or videos of a certain length and your channel has still quadrupled in subscribers in a year. Shows how valuable what you’re doing is
"Strategy mode" sounds like a term that could be useful. All these years, I have been so sick and tired of *something* about my relationship dynamics; all of that trying, doing, hoping, being amazing, jumping through hoops, and looking for ways to get noticed, and all those maybes, coulds, what-ifs and if-onlys. And now I have a word for it.
Me too ❤ hang in there friend
I ended a relationship that I was still very much wanting to stay in a few weeks ago... I just couldn't take the avoidance anymore. I tried so hard to be patient and understanding, but got nothing back in return and felt taken for granted. Yet for some reason, I still feel attached. I'll be listening to this on my drive to work tomorrow.
I feel your pain. My ex partner knew how to receive love but not how to give it or live in it.I had to leave at some point I fell out of love and it all just became attachment. I don’t feel for her anymore I don’t want her back. That was so painful
I was in the same place with a friend.
I was in exactly the same situation. It just got so draining. I felt so unappreciated and unloved that I just decided to call it quits.
same, but it was someone who never want to be friends after knowing each other for 5 years and I had gone out of my way to help them.
Looking for a reason why you feel the way you do rather than acknowledging that you just miss them :) is quite a common strategy.
I wish you luck.
Your videos have helped facilitate a lot of healing and growth. And it's so generous of you to share your learning and insight with us gratis. Thank you thank you. (Please don't respond; it'll feel like I'm buying a reply. In the same way that you share what you have with us for free, this is what I have to share right now, with no expectation in return. Wish it could be more, you certainly deserve it.)
thats beautiully said
The concept of self care being a social responsibility rang like a bell in my consciousness.
Its a great way to think about it ❤
I finally let him go after 2 weeks of him ghosting me. Sent him a message telling him that I love him too much but it's not what he wanted and that I needed to heal. I became too attached to him and it suffocated him. I made him my saviour. I lost myself in the relationship and valued myself based on how he treated me. I am slowly healing but it only happened when I finally sent him that final message.
You are so brave - I am proud of you. I want to be where you are but at this moment I feels as though I’m not ready.
I’ve had so much pain, but I can’t let go yet for a variety of reasons.
Incidentally my bf is FA and recently ghosted me for 2 weeks minus two nights where he only texted the words Good night. As an AP w C-PTSD, even hours of stonewalling are excruciating…
It’s crazy how we want to escape ourselves.
I feel, from the limited knowledge and insight I have so far, we try to escape ourselves when our current reality is actually quite shitty. Like when we don't have a strong friend circle, unsatisfactory family bonds, career-related struggles etc. when basically most things or everything is messed up. At such times, it's easier to get stuck and attached in relationships that our toxic, because they're our are only escape/perceived 'saviour'
I don't
As an avoidant person struggling to accept my decision to end my relationship with a man I am still in love with. Heidi's advice has made me feel like I can survive this heartbreak aslong as I keep focused on this whole process. 3 months after breaking up, I have been rethinking my decision, but this has just reassured me. Thankyou 🙏🏻
Anyone can be compatible with anyone as long as both parties work together to make decisions. The problem with avoidants is they don't work with anyone. It's your responsibility to open up and yield.
You can and will survive this. And if you truly want to have a happy healthy relationship and life and are WILLing to do what it takes to get that life... You WILL have it. Future you is going to look back and thank current you for being so strong and for trying so hard....and for going through this uncomfortable phase and for suffering through negative emotions...kinda like a sacrifice of instant gratification for a lifetime of happiness. "Don't trade what you want the most for what you want right now"....good luck on your journey! You got this?
me too! it’s been passed 6 months actually, still on the process
@@mguerrepaix I'm definitely learning that the longer the healing process.........the better you become!!!🙌
It's always easier for avoidants. Next one will be crap too unless you consider therapy.
I have often noticed I start grieving a relationship before it even ends. It’s a weird, confusing state to be in like one foot out the door but my heart still in. It’s probably part of being FA but I’ve had secure/stable relationships as well. It takes two to tango and sometimes it’s better to cut our efforts. My brain almost always perceives this and I can’t not act on it after a while - but it still takes time to disentangle the heart. Thanks for this video! Best wishes to everyone else here !
That's exactly the state I am in right now. It is so hard after 18 years, but it's the end of the line for us and I know it.
@@elonas9487 that is indeed a long time. once you see something clearly, you can’t unsee it though… otherwise we are betraying ourselves. I wish you fortitude and peace. 💜
@@elonas9487are you FA with a DA? And did the DA really only want s e x from the relationship? Asking for a friend. (lol).
Heidi your channel has been probably the biggest factor in completely changing my life over the last 3 months and assisting me through the darkest period of my life. Thank you.
That’s so awesome. Wishing you all the best in your transformation. I love that Heidi helps men as well as women.
Only TH-camrs, who's videos i watch in 0.5X to get the details right and then re-listen to absorb properly. Heidi is genuinely God sent 🙏
Heidi you CANNOT call me out like this right now. PLEASE let me flounder in uncertainty a little bit more 😭
Oh god!! why is this so relatableeeee??😭😭😭
When you say “flounder in uncertainty”, is that pushing your inner child away? 😢
Sending you & your inner child loads of hugs x
Hugs to everyone here😢
@@ramblingrishika😢😢😢
Crazy the timing of this video. Literally going through this right now
SAME!!!
You’re not alone
Yup nothing extreme or incredibly painful but this one really helps me in defining and processing what I recently went through.
Me too’
me too. unreal
Girl, i needed this years ago 😅 but I did ultimately leave my husband a few months ago and WOW! I have never felt so good. It feels like it's the first time in my life I've truly been living. Everyone can see the difference in my spirit and say that I'm ✨glowing ✨
I cannot believe how much I was letting myself suffer by staying in the relationship!!
If you are glowing without him, it means he was feeding off you. Love that you are doing so good now.
Same here, girl. Happy for ya.
@@patriot-hj5vxI don’t think it really means that - more that we are suppressing ourselves around the other person.
Dang it Heidi, how do you always do this to me?! After being unhappy for years, I separated from my wife last month. I am super interested to hear what you have to say on the topic!
Thank you for continuing to make your videos, they (along with therapy) have helped me come so far in the last year!
Congratulations on taking that brave step!
Omg this brings new meaning to complex grief. It can happen without any stereotypically complex deaths or losses. It’s about attachment!
1000000% attachment wounding is the genesis of deep / complex grief
I don't know what to do. It hurts
@@4LLT0G3TH3RI feel this in every part of me. I’m in agony. Sending you love.
Heidi, you've helped me so much over the last 6 months. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Lot's of love!
I've always said I have a DETACHMENT DISORDER rather than an Insecure Attachment Disorder.... feeling validated . TY
I would love if you could make a follow up video about strengthening these areas in yourself after a break up. When I chose to end my relationship, I felt very secure in these areas. Then over time as I grieved the loss of this person being in my life, I started abandoning these areas one by one. I’m now feeling nostalgic for the relationship even tho I know it was not as healthy one because I’m associating success in these areas with my ex partner. Almost as if I don’t believe I can maintain them outside of a relationship.
Unbelievably timely. My ex ghosted me 4 weeks ago and we finally talked yesterday. I’m FA and I’ve been in my avoidant strategy but I knew this conversation would flip me over to anxious. Boy did it.
I tried to give my ex the opportunity to grow and a safe space for her to be vulnerable but our dynamic was her always trying to manipulate me to do what she wanted to by withholding affection and using other people to make me jealous so I let her go and now she's desperately trying to win me back but I don't want to go back. Despite that I'm still attached(probably trauma bonded) and although I do a good job deflecting her, it's still difficult to say no. Not just because of a bond but because I don't like hurting people.
At the end of August last year, my girlfriend broke up with me after a relationship that lasted about eight months. Ever since then, people have been trying to help me, but I never feel understood at all. I feel like I have not made a single step away from that relationship mentally, and I want nothing more than be with her again. Everyone has been telling me that time will heal my wounds. That I will be able to move on, that the pain will get better. Half a year has passed since then, and now I just feel worse if anything. It's at least a little validating to learn that it's normal for a breakup like mine to be so fucked up.
Honestly, it does get better even though you think it won't. It's like a death, takes time.
@@tOrangePeel1972 I've already taken steps in that direction. I talked to a therapist and was put on a one year long wait list. 🥲
Edit: I've also since been diagnosed with ADHD, as well as strong likelihood of autism. It's par for the course that I'm struggling this much. Additionally, my ex suffers from BPD, which made things even more complicated. It's a whole mess I got myself into.
I can relate to what you said. At the end of August last year, my bf and I agreed to break up after a year together. (I thought we would get married.)We kept in touch and would occasionally see each other. So it’s almost a year later - and it’s so painful to think about not talking to him anymore, to not have him in my life.
@@BillundBerries I feel the same... It's been August last year for me, too. We've been together for 6 years. Somehow I was slowly getting better - but just a week ago it hit me like a truck again. I just watched your eclipse video by the way and your narration made me smile. Thanks for that! I'm sure you'll be fine! Cheers from Germany.
Im a FA leaning anxious. What i don't understand is how do people stay years and years in these relationships. 4 months feeling miserable and i end it. I can't endure pain for to long. My last boyfriend left me hanging on my birthday to be with his friends, after i told him that was important for me. I ended it right there because there was no reasoning with him. I know it wasn't important for him, but in my mind when it's important for the person we love, its important for us. He couldn't understand this (or he didn't want to) so i ended it.
I hear you. I think it’s cause the instability in FA is so painful that it would be harder to stay longer? Consistent pain is somewhat more tolerable than rapidly changing and chaotic pain? Maybe FAs can’t dissociate as consistently with the switching.
I’m heavy DA leaning FA but I feel this. Once I see something I can’t unsee it - and if I feel devalued, disrespected or treated poorly I feel literally sick about it…
literally why all of the relationships ive been in have lasted maximum 4-5 months, im grateful to that side of me though because i believe if i didnt have that screaming voice inside of me alerting me of problems id end up like so many people stuck in unhappy relationships for years.
For me and my husband, we both basically recreated our toxic families so we thought these dynamics were normal 😔 We had become enmeshed/codependent which made it difficult to see and feel clearly. Felt like we "needed to fight" for the relationship without awareness of where to draw the line. Even unhealthy relationships provide a sense of security to insecure people and we weren't abusing each other so it wasn't super obvious to us that this wasn't healthy.
So lots of healing to do now that I've left 😅 but glad I am aware to all of this now
@@Ark-ys2up it’s a blessing and a curse to be so sensitive in detecting patterns and changes in patterns - i guess we need to learn to more effectively advocate for ourselves whilst not hurting others along the way as opposed to feeling awful or even sick.. easier said than done!
Concise and actionable information. All of your videos are this way. You have a remarkable gift. It’s not just “advice”
you’re teaching us how to ACTUALLY change, grow, heal and love ourselves.
5:30
"relationships that are deadening our spirit"
yes, exactly!
Excellent contribution, Heidi,
many thanks!
Thank you because I am sure I'm not the only one who needs this. It's funny this came up just after I was looking at prices from Boston to Nebraska 🎉 My life not going anywhere with these people and I've worked so hard to turn my life around the last 4 years.
Anyone going through similar, you are loved, you are needed, and you belong in happiness xoxoxoxo
Heidi, you are the most insightful person I've ever heard speak on human psychology. You are brilliant, and a gift. I listen to your videos over and over again, studying them, and get more and more from them the more I listen.
Thank you so much for this. I wish I could have you as a therapist.
I needed this last year, grateful I finally had the courage to end it for good.. I hope there’s a second part about finding yourself again after being so enmeshed
Heidi - just wanna say I'm super happy to see your channel growing so much - I see more and more comments on every videos expressing gratitude for your content and I can totally relate to every one of them! Keep it coming, you're making huge waves - and you've changed my life massively (I'm so much healthier now because of you). X
Some people stay in relationships because they can't financially afford to leave.
So so many. My perception about this growing up probably had a lot to do with my focus on self sufficiency - for better for worse
Sure there's learned helplessness. There's also situations where illness, surgery, lack of safety nets, no family, student loan debt, having kids, stagnant wages and/or rent inflation can also be a thing that pulling oneself up by the boot straps and out of a relationship can be easier said then done.
@@maxamerimakaSpot on
That's my case. I'm so scared. But made the decision. It might be the worst decision in my life.
I left while having a mountain of debt and pretty shitty job prospects. I'm glad I did, my mental health is getting immensely better. But the financial reality is brutal. Truly fucking brutal. I sometimes tear up thinking about small luxuries I could afford like regularly eating out. I would not have done anything differently though.
Grief creeps up little bit sometimes
Thank you so much for this! I can see how far I've come in healing my anxious style. I also see what is left to be healed. Not beating myself up, just lovin myself through healing. You're wonderful ❤
Well, Fuck. Heidi, you make it seriously hard to shift the blame anymore. This video did it. I get it. If I needed signposts that I'm doin' it wrong, you gave them! Do I try to use strategies to work around my husband? Yup! Check. Could I imagine breaking things off with him and not "bleeding out?" No. Check. (Not literally, just I couldn't walk away without my life crumbling.) It points to poor sense of self and other relational issues. Attachment problems, confirmed. Check.
So, it seems to me you have laid out my marching orders. Discover what gives me a sense of purpose. Get to know myself, my needs, my joys, and get comfortable being fully present. Through exploring my purpose, strengthen my friend connections and my sense of self-worth and self-trust and self-reliance. And, stop strategizing in dealing (or not dealing) with my husband. Have direct conversations and get curious. I have not felt safe to try this fully, because we each take things said personally and are in reactions to the stories we tell ourselves. I have to express my needs and wants and dreams. If after all the cards are on the table, we can't be people who become each other's havens and support each other to grow, then we should leave each other's company and trust we will heal.
Now I just need to take some consistent action for myself to keep going on this learning curve. Looking at the amount of work I need to do has me in shock. I actually fell asleep during your video. It is absolutely not boring! I was not tired. My brain covered it's birdie cage to go to sleep and so I would not see. I rewound your video and watched it to the end. I am learning to recognize my emotional shut downs and stick with things even when it is hard. Tip of my hat to you!! You get all the credit there.
I am so grateful to you Heidi! (Even when the brilliant things you say make me want to scream out my back door, throw my phone out a window, or crawl back into bed.) Instead, I will pull out a notebook and start exploring. (After I self-regulate by singing at the top of my lungs in the car.) Writing! Tomorrow.
Wow. I could have written this verbatim. Even the falling asleep part!
You are literally another me. 😂 At least how your relationship is going and how you are dealing with it. How is the writing going two weeks later? Having just found this video today, I, too will start tomorrow!
Thank you for your videoes, this really couldn't have been more opportune for me as today was the day I finally made the choice to break away from someone I'd allowed in my life for too long, made excuses for, tried to love, both romantically and platonically, for too long and been prepared to invest so much of my self in. But I can't go on denying what every sense is telling me, has been screaming at me, I need to get away from them. Wish me luck.
You're going to get through this 💙
Your channel is some of the very best content on TH-cam. Thank you.
I love that you have books displayed because I can see what you’ve read even when you are not recommending any books in a video
Ha!, I'd love to know how many more people take a gander😂
Aw man I really could've used this. Unfortunately it's too little too late. She pulled the cord on us last week. I wish I had had the strength to end it months ago, the pain I'm going through right now would've been much easier to bear. I just hope there's still some salvageable part of me left in there somewhere to reconnect with...
It’s okay. We live and we learn. We become better people and grow through our pain so we can be with the person we are truly meant to be with
You will be fine go no contact which helped me heal faster
Not what the video is intended for but this is also helping me understand the grief I feel when I lose a job (and all the people connected to it). No matter what the job was like, it's always very, very painful, and I never get a chance to share that pain with anyone, so that I can have it mirrored back to me.
yeah! I definitely relate and agree; I’m also finding this super helpful for job losses and other endings
I'm only 6 minutes into this video and AMAZED at how well you're articulating the exact situation I'm presently in! It's as if the universe is offering me the specific tools i need to extricate myself from a dynamic which is destroying me. Thank you for taking the time to make this video; i feel so understood, grateful for guidance, and hopeful that i can make it through this!
Reverend Heidi strikes again! You're the best Heidi...helping so many people across the globe. Also, for those interested I've been using Meta ai and Gemini for help with this and both me and my partner have been deeply impressed with its ability to support and mediate conversations. It's a new dawn
could you please share how you're been using it? I'm really struggling right now with a messy conflict with my partner
❤ good luck! Meta AI might be on updated WhatsApp or their website. Gemini is on Google assistant. Just watch tutorials for diy installation. It's easy, just speak to it like you're texting a friend.
So yes this resonates and I’ve been forced to “amputate” relationships in the past. However I’m having this experience now with my own adult children-dealing with struggles with addictions and mental health problems. Crisis and trauma along with cutoffs, blame and rage directed towards me. I feel like I’ve been treading water forever and cannot relax or breathe long enough to do much of anything else positive. Retired now but I’m definitely not appreciating life. The other shoe IS always dropping…for years now. I think there’s progress then Wham something comes out of left field and I’m again left not knowing what happened. The one experiencing the issues is worrying and the reaction of others to that behavior often results in judging my response or deciding not to engage. My extended family are not interested other than as their audience and subject myself to their silencing, judging, ridiculing, criticizing, ignoring and shaming me. Heaping shame on is unnecessary-I already do not share my experiences and worries with people I know because they have an entirely different experience of parents, family and their adult children. The little bit I have shared with friends or coworkers has been met with frowns, kind of blank stares and silence. I fervently wish I could share the family experiences and milestones that they value and enjoy, but it is not to be. The pain, grief and loss is relentless as time continues to fly by. I’m not young and a lot of milestones are already behind me. How do I leave my own grown children. -as they randomly come and go often with resentment, hurtful jibes, words and behaviors directed towards me. Minimal communication and requests to engage being respectful of their busy schedules, of theirs and/or their partners and grandchildren who are nearly grown now, often met with irritation like making time for me is a burden-not valued. I have taken care of myself and am generous with them. I’m the only parent who prepared an inheritance for them. I do not point that out other than to indicate I have a Trust in the event anything unexpected happens to me. Their dads left them nothing. Their dad’s new partners and children cared for instead. Certain adult children tend to show up randomly with a problem or hurt to process, then simply disappear again. Their fathers are no longer living. I feel like I am blamed for everything that upset or hurt them throughout their lives. extended family tends to perceive me and treat me dismissively or with blame and criticism. They do not make space or include me. There are issues around values which have been amplified over the past several years. Though I haven’t confronted them directly they are aware of my opinions and professional history. They tend to talk about me and poke at my ideas and opinions together. No matter how benign I attempt to be around them. Neglect, avoidance and abandonment is the rule. They occasionally ask for a favor-like dog sitting but that’s it. No genuine connection or contact . Lots of trauma addictions including codependency has been passed on intergenerationally. I am aware of my Complex Trauma I can’t speak for any of them. The extended family brush this concept off as weak and weird and circle the wagons-again. Painful. Healing efforts❤️🩹 constantly interrupted by more trauma and abandonment.😢
Thank you for sharing the information with clarity that offers a validation of much of my lived experience. I have a counselor-have for most my life. Some good and some harmful. Hope and energy battery is very low these days. I’ve chased purpose and meaning but it has eluded me. I saved babies lives for a living but don’t feel I matter to anyone other than 2 cats who are attached to my presence in a way people never have been. 😽
@@Ark-ys2up I’m sorry 😢 for your loss and inability to convince your parents to hear and see you in order to repair ruptured relationship and/or proceed building a healthy family. There are many things parents and children can disagree on and also legitimate hurt and failures. Parents are responsible when their children are growing up and require “good enough” parenting support while developing. Making amends may help when there are issues later. A good enough apology is necessary. But no guarantees. In my case I believe longstanding family dysfunction and trauma profoundly affects how everyone feels and engages now. I’d love to be the person to end the intergenerational trauma-I’m committed to healing ❤️🩹 but it’s painful and there are losses. People seem to wish to deny anything requires changing and in my experience they are looking for a scapegoat - that requires enablers which are sadly ready and willing. Humans acting tribal is hard to break through. But tiptoe or walking on eggshells is no bueno. It kills any authenticity and requires self abandonment. I wish you all the best and find peace as well as the chosen family that welcome and genuinely see you and your babes ❤️🩹
One thing I'm trying is to remember prior lovers who i had to walk away from. Once it felt like i would never be "over" them and would never want anyone else and yet.... I did. Again and again. So this current person will one day join their ranks.
This is so relatable. I'm thinking i might die if my current partner is gone, but then i remember i went through breakups before and i also thought i wouldn't survive because they were the loves of my life... but i did and they weren't.
Thank you so much for framing how it looks for securely attached vs insecurely attached. It really makes a difference being able to understand what it should look and feel like. Your work is incredibly helpful! 🙏
Right on Heidi! Yup. This pretty much sums it all up. Be free, feel free and you have all the right to remove yourself from any situation that is stagnating for you.
Marriage is forever.
@@youtub4925No it's not a life sentence
Summary/Overview:
00:00 Intro. 157 movie from 2010, emotional amputation.
08:10 Step 1: Contextualizing the situation properly for yourself
12:10 Secure/Simple vs Insecure/Complex breakup
26:15 Bok recommendation: How We Change (and 10 Reasons Why We Don't), 2020, Dr Ross Ellenhorn
~27:30 Focus shift, from amputation to injury, strengthening the muscles around it instead.
~26:00 Step 2
28:40 Connection to partner
29:50 Connection to self
33:00 Connection to resource
33:55 Connection to social networks
36:50 Connection to purpose
42:00 Step 3: Recovery plan from the exit/ breakup
48:40 Conclusion
I love comments like this. Bless you.
The timing of this video is amazing… thank you Heidi! You describe things so so so well
This is the greatest resource on this topic and it is helping so many people. Thank you Heidi, from the bottom of my heart❤
Thank you so so much for making this video. I've had such an intense heartbreak recently which has been so difficult on me. I've always found solace in learning about things which scare me and that i find difficult and emotions around a difficult breakup can definitely be scary. I am looking forward to watching more of your videos and I am so grateful for the time you've taken to give us hope for development as well as understanding our relationships in order to live better. Thank you again. 🥰
Man... this is very healty and mature. The road for me to understand everything you're saying was long and challenging. Now, the road continue to live by those values that I hold. So much clarity. Thank you and be safe.
Thank you Heidi. Wish I knew this 8 years ago. I self amputated over a year ago now. You make everything make so much sense.
I’ve been enlightened in at least one way or more each time I watch one of your videos…. I learned probably five or six new & helpful things from this one. Thank you
Very well broken down. I’m actually getting along by myself after 16 years of marriage. Was very co dependent and forgot who I was. We were both toxic and brought all we knew to bring to the relationship but because we had messed up childhoods… it was a ship wreck! Finally after much time and research and hitting rock bottom… I’m learning to be happy in my own skin again and believe it or not… I can even handle rejection much better now. Cuz honestly, I also feel as tho… this person may not be WHAT I NEED either
Thank you for sharing I'm so glad you're feeling better and growing.❤
Heidi, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. Endlessly thankful for all the work you put out. You have helped me SO much you have no idea
Thank you! This is so helpful, validating and actionable particularly covering the differences between securely attached versus anxiously attached relationship especially when CPTSD is involved. Thank you also for speaking more slowly. Some of your past videos are much much faster. When you speak slowly and clearly it is so much easier to hear and integrate the information. Thank you for specifically covering this in depth.
this video is god sent, thank you so much + everyone who has the strength to end a relationship even though it literally feels like death - im so proud of you, please go ahead & treat yourself with something nice because you did a very good & important job ... I wish I would have broke n up with him because I wanted to do so everyday but I did not have the strength. which resulted in me suffering more than necessary & at the end he pulled the trigger
thank you so much for this video!! I have a long-term friendship where myself and the other person care about each other deeply but can’t seem to work through our conflicts no matter how sincerely we try to talk them out together, and we’ve considered going our separate ways / taking an extended break from the friendship several times but have never been able to actually follow through on that idea for more than a few months. a day or two after I watched this, my friend approached me to suggest another attempt at a break, and this time I’m hopeful I have a better understanding of what it’ll actually take to make it stick and why such a break is important to me in the first place. I want to get my inner child out from underneath that boulder
Thank you Heidi. This is pure genius. I'll be referring to it regularly 🌼
This has been so, so helpful with the intense grief that I've felt ending a relationship this weekend. Thank you.
Heidi you are the best! Even though I already broke up 3 months ago and just happened to watch this video it really helps me with processing the break up. I keep villainizing my ex because his words didn't match his actions and it makes me feel like I have basically been abused by him I also see my part of working with strategies to make him show up in a way that I needed. And after the break up I thought a lot about the ways how I could have done things better or how things would have been better if he actually did do some work I now can accept: this person didn't keep their word and didn't act in favor of the relationship and this is enough data for me to walk away. Thank you!
This was so thorough. Thank you. Also so exhausting to consider. I don’t even know where to start. Keep doing the work that you do. Thank you again.
Great video thank you!
I've recently been trying to balance making decisions from a mixture of emotions and logic, rather than swinging from all of one, to all of the other!
Your content is insanely helpful and healing for me, thank you so so much really, it feels like you can hear our needs and just deliver a perfect video!
I went through a complex break up of a 28yr relationship a year and few months ago..Actually it feels like I am still going through that break up. This video tells me the areas that I haved worked on and the ones I still need to work on. I truly appreciate the work you do. I like how you talk to me. With patience love, compassion and care. We need more of you in this society. ❤
One of the best videos on relationships. Thank you
Thank you. I feel so validated watching your videos.. I’m so in need at the moment for it. Thank you for your empathetic clarity!!
wow... just wow Heidi. Thank you so much. Im going through a breakup right now and this has really helped.
This is packed with really helpful suggestions and insight. Thank you! ❤🙏
Love your videos and how they bring me new perspectives. Thank you!
Dear Heidi. Im watching this video for the 2nd time and 🤷♀️ idk why I didn't catch it the 1st time but what you described in the 1st 6 min about how we are showing up in a relationship and having our jou de vive taken away is exactly how I felt in a relationship I left a month ago. It was hard to leave and it hurts but Im healing. Ive been beating myself up thinking I made a mistake because he is a really kind and generous person and why didnt i feel good inside the relationship. Im going to stop beating myself up now. I didn't feel good inside the relationship and that has to be enough for me. Thank you for all your videos. Your like therapy for me and I can actually see how far ive cine in healing ❤
Thank you so much for this. It's helping me process my very recent breakup in ways I hadn't been able to work out on my own.
Experiencing most of what you talked about. Makes a lot of sense. Thank you Heidi.
Needed this. Thanks Heidi!
I love the video and had to listen to it twice. I am presently going through this challenging time right now. My wife and I have gone through multiple marriage counseling sessions and still cannot agree to similar goals and values. We tend to fight over the same things incessantly never coming to agreement. So after 13 years we are splitting up. I am in my own individual therapy to help me through this, and the biggest issue I had for myself and for my therapist was if I know that this is for the best why is it that I keep wanting to re-engage with her? Why do I not want to let go when I know this relationship is toxic to me? What’s wrong with me?? This video was perfect. It addressed those feelings I am experiencing and put them in such a logical way that it was calming and reassuring. It is just what I needed. Thank you Heidi.
You are amazing! Clear and concise!!!
Heidi , you’re so insightful, clear and amazing. Can’t thank you enough…I envy your own partner😊
Stop sending me videos that I need to see! I'm perfectly happy being oblivious and miserable, thank you very much!
The note to yourself toward the end of this video was so, so helpful. Loved this video!
It’s been a year since the breakup but this is still super helpful. It would have been life changing 18 months ago but I’m so happy other people have the benefit of hearing this broken down so beautifully and compassionately. And even a year later this still helps me understand what I should focus on to improve my current situation and what I need to keep on top of constantly if I meet someone new. Thank you. ❤
Hey Heidi! You have been such a valuable influence in my life. Thank you for all your help :)
Leaving the codependent/trauma bond relationship is so damn hard. I'm literally moving to another state because the distraction of the dopamine hit from the relationahip is too tempting. Its like he's an addiction. I recognize this isn't healthy and my gods do I want to stay! But I realize I need to work on healing this internal attachment toxicity. I want to feel safe inside, without "needing" him.
The content is always so helpful and constructive, and this video is particularly amazing! I also wonder how she can talk like this. Either she is a master reader or a master speaker. There is a fluency in this that makes it easy to follow. Thanks, Heidi, for sorting out our lives and loves!🙂
Thank you so much for your insight. Can’t tell you how much this helps ❤
Your videos have helped me so much since I discovered your channel about six months ago… When this video popped up as the first recommended video on my feed, I kind of laughed lol
A sign. All the things I needed to hear in this moment. Thank you so much.
Keep up the good work, your talent for expressing the knowledge you've accumulated is a gift.
This is brilliant. So clear. So many points I hadn't considered before - especially that 'strategy' approach. Countless times I've wondered - maybe I could/could've done this or that. Or the partner being your coregulation person! Yikes, how entangled that obviously is!
Thank you.
heidi, im going through this right now, and i just want to say thank you. i think you just saved my life
Thank you, Heidi 🙏🏿
This is an unbelievably smart discussion - so helpful!
9:50 self esteem. I’m still valuable when I leave.
I really wish I discovered your channel 6 months ago. Either way you have been a great well of knowledge for me the past 5 months. Thank you for sharing these videos.
I'm deeply grateful for your content!
In this video I struggled a bit, when you adviced to lean to a support group. Well if I had to, I would, but I dont have assess to one. Finding a therapist or a group is very hard with a FA attachment style.
I'm also not sure, how to let go of my relationship now, but it helped me very much that you pointed out that there are reasons or needs that get met by the person I love and therefor its important to get these meets met in another way. Also found the book recommendation about reasons why we change and why we dont interesting. So I wanna find out what prevents me from changing and I think that information gonna help me. Thank you!
I have been struggling with sense of purpose since I stopped working. Wound up in a dysfunctional relationship, struggled with ending it until we both decided we need to end it and have been stuck in feeling regret and sadness. I have a therapist and have relied on my social network Perhaps I need to focus more on my sense of purpose to get myself unstuck…
i literally just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and am having a hard time coping with my feelings about it.... 😭 thank you 🤍