Which of Dr. Ramani's signs of narcissism have you spotted in your roommate or friend? Let us know in the comments below - we want to hear your story. Watch 100+ exclusive mental health videos with Dr. Ramani HERE: bit.ly/38o1kVd
Being "friends" is what threw me off. It didn't occur to me at first, a friend could be a narcissist because it wasn't the stereotype situation associated with narcs, usually boyfriends or spouses. The Narc friend I had, I knew something was "off" bit by bit. His words and behavior just didn't add up as time went on. He would "seem" so nice and supportive to my face, yet suddenly, my other friends were one by one "blocking" me and avoiding me. Also, people I barely knew were yelling at me on campus about things I never said or did. Prior to the Narc friend, I got along with most people, no real problems, I wasn't a person who got into trouble. I put two and two together and realized all this "drama" was created behind the scenes by my Narc friend. It took me a while to figure out he was the source. I felt like I was going crazy (it was Gaslighting). The Narc was badmouthing me to my friends behind my back. I didn't find out till one had told me the Narc contacted her, claiming I said things I didn't. I was so shocked. I could not understand WHY a person who claimed to be my friend would do that. But the Narc actually "smeared" a lot of people he claimed were "friends". I really knew he was a Narc when I was Googling his behavior and found the term "Triangulation". I knew the Narc was doing a thing where he would pit two people against each other, who ironically didn't know one another, into a conflict the Narc created. Once I found the word Triangulation, that led me to ALL the characteristics of a Narcissist and so many websites and videos. Once I identified the traits, I KNEW for sure my friend was a Narcissist! He didn't know I knew WHAT he was and what to expect. I was lucky enough to be prepared to expect the devaluation and the inevitable "Smear Campaign" and "Flying Monkeys". Like clockwork it ALL happened! And of course, there was the trying to "Hoover" me back. I was amazed at how effective No Contact was. The Narc did not understand why I wasn't reacting like all the others, begging him to take them back. I was the opposite. I 'Blocked" him, changed my phone number refused to react to his "Smear Campaign". Boy, I have never understood how a person could be so mad at you for doing nothing to them (No Contact) after HE discarded me. Yes, he discarded me, blocked me, yet HE was angry at me for not responding afterward. That's Narcissists lol.
A friend seemed not to bother when I told her deep stuff and I saw that as a red flag , wasn't thinking she was a narcsisist but the other night she started hitting me saying she's jealous and hates me .hadn't known her long I said in a tex the next day that I will wait for apology and an explanation then I texed her the next day saying I'm not waiting for a sorry and I'm saying that's it cause she made it clear how she felt then she has said sorry and can't remember anything and I've just left it alone and she's acepting that I don't want ti be a friend .what do you think ?,
I've had one just move out- and exactly as Dr. Ramani said, I didn't realize he was on the extreme end of the narcissistic spectrum until I let him and his girlfriend move in. They used, took, broke or moved absolutely anything and everything they could- including my kids food AND their toys. When they paid rent it was late- and usually only half the amount. To top it all off- he had my power turned off yesterday when they finally moved out, and he came back at some stage last night and left my roller door open, My beautiful bulldog decided she'd go walkabout and it's going to cost me over $250 to have her released from the pound 😔 Within a few days of them being here I was like "oh Lord what have I done".... 4 months later- they're finally out of my house and STILL costing me a fortune 🤯 No. More. Housemates. EVER!!
Am 4 minutes and 10 sec into 9:44 long video and still waiting for her to start talking about how to spot the signs. Now wanna be a dick but try to keep it ON TOPIC. This is a video about friendships. She mentions narcissism..somewhere. Please change the name of the video.
My former "best" friend and now also former roommate turned out to be a malignant narcissist if not a sociopath. She lied pathologically, was outrageously manipulative, she spread rumors about other people, and as I learned later also about me, she borrowed money that she just somehow never remembered to pay back, she took advantage of people, and when it came down to it she wasn't even grateful for all the times people helped her out, in fact she would find ways to twist people's kindnesses into negative things against them. You could never contradict her without a fight even if she was flat out wrong, and she bragged continuously about talents or skills she didn't have! All the years I knew her before she was a roommate I can see now that I ignored the red flags, and made excuses for her, but she couldn't hide it 24/7, I got to where I could actually see her slip into a persona as we approached certain people. As I look back through my history, I had many such "friends". I'm a narcissist magnet.
Yes it does right. The 'honeymoon' phase in friendship totally exisg too, minus the kiss, sex and so on. But during the 'love' bombing, our emotions are met, and then the abuses happen. And we will stay friends for so long because we thought, we were happy once, we will again. Unconsciously we became their doormat 😒
and they can and will eventually discard you for their next "best friend" but they'll never own up to it. you either leave them or stay in the surface level "friendship" and continue to be treated like an afterthought. god i hate that term, best friend.
Narcissistic friends are very charming and helpful. They seem like nice people (the covert ones) but if you’re observant enough, you will catch veiled hostility, triangulation especially when they’re bored and ready to discard you.
@@LindaLouise625 it’s true, they do things in a way that seem conventionally helpful. They may do things that seem kind or helpful but it’s only as long as it doesn’t affect their own success. Does that make sense?
@xVividTangerine my roommate/friend gave me expensive gift on my birthday ans sometimes gives me clothes😂... which she didn't want to wear no more... as i used to feel hesitant to say no... i just take it and she will boast what she gave me to our others friend... as it is not my clothing style i feel like not wearing it... my other friends was like why not wearing it etc.... i feel bad but i just can't wear them out😂... is this counts
They may try to give you advice. The advice is usually very low effort for them. Sometimes the advice can be helpful. They may try to do this in the love bombing stage. I had a friend in-like that. I always something was wrong but could not pinpoint what. It wasn’t until I leaned more about NPD that I realize how manipulative she was. Weirdest thing was that she often talked about her ex-husband as being a covert narcissist. That’s why I never thought that she could be one herself.
I know I'm friends with a narc when I feel this need to "win" their approval by being clever enough, giving enough, cool enough etc to avoid being lumped in with "everyone else" they trash. It feels like that knot in your stomach of one wrong move and you'll catch hell and be out of their good graces. Like when I start losing myself in who THEY'D approve of rather than who I am. If I get home and I'm like "who was that ...that's not me" I know I'm in the presence of a narc.
Kristal Campbell You just summarized my entire relationship with my ex best friend. It went on for years and years with just hoping I would stay in her good graces & get her approval. For what? I no contacted her 2 years ago & I’m still struggling to find my way with other friendships that are more healthy.
You hit the nail on the head with feeling the need to "win" their approval by being up to their standards. I struggle with feeling like I need to be validated by others and narcs seem to be attracted to people who have issues with that
Yeah, I think all of them need to feel superior to everyone else. If they see you're knowledgeable in an area that they aren't so much, they see it as a threat. Their fragile ego gets bruised, and that's when they discard and/or begin the smear campaigns against you. They hate it when they see your confident and feel good about something. It's just so damn toxic to be a long term friend of one... ugh.
The annoying part was the former friend leaving messages about acknowledging the his crappy behavior not apologizing than saying we should still be friends........However, I'm a mean person for ending the friendship.
yeah.. :/ ive decided to lie to my family where i go to school now because.. i truly want to be left alone. i dont want them to even know. i have felt so hurt that.. i just want to be invisible.
I spoke up to a narc friend about some of her behaviours and she wouldn't speak to me for 2 years! I finally gave up on the friendship last year. It was hard as we had been friends since school, but her behaviour was getting worse.
The friend who monopolizes the conversation 80% of the time. Turns every topic you bring up right back to themselves. Gas lights you when you cant follow their tirades with I told you about that don't you listen to me. Gets nasty when you don't agree or point out their flaws. Never asks about your life and on rare occasions when they do, immediately turns conversation back to themselves. Everyone else in their life is wrong, flawed or out to get them. It's exhausting and emotionally unfulfilling.
I dont necessarily agree with people who complain about their lives. This is so so wrong and narcs might even use it towards victims like me. So please be careful about what you write
In my case, i listen to my friend, and she texts me almost everyday expecting me to answer her in seconds. She says i dont listen, and that i am not a good friend. I am married and live in another country. She says that i am the “protagonist” of the relationship. I feel i cant share the good things in my life with her because she thinks i am bragging. I feel gaslighted.
After 10 years invested in what I considered a close friendship, I finally learned this person is a narcissist after I reflected on lots of isolated events that left me doubting myself or feeling disrespected. I realized this person has no empathy, likes to tell me how to live my life, judges, condescends and shames. I tolerated it for years and that was the most painful realization but I just let it all go and feel so much better without the mind twisting.
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Same happened to me with a friend of 14 years. I kept making excuses, over looking the red flags. I know what you mean about the mind twisting. ugh. It's a lot to process, isn't it? But we'll be ok. They never really were. That's the sad part.
@@joshuafalade4754 oh wow~ That's really good detective work. I'm sorry to hear the pain I know this caused you. But I'm glad the truth was exposed. Even when we don't want something to be true, it does give a certain amount of relief and satisfaction to know it. I wish you the best.
@Pud Pete you can love someone, have compassion for them…but that does not mean tolerating their behavior. We need to remember ourselves in every interaction, friendship, relationship. Taking ourselves into consideration too, at least equally to the other. If anything is self betraying of our needs/boundaries, we say “no”. Advocation for self is of utmost importance. A narcissist will never advocate for you, unless it’s used as a manipulative tactic. You’ve got to have your own back, see the situation for what it is. Have you watched any of The Crappy Childhood fairy videos? She has some super helpful advice too.
Around when ''they need something off you'' and they stay well clear when that table is turned because they dont care and are not interested. Becasue 'Its all about them'' -great movie starring Bette Davis - All About Eve.....
Their the 'freinds' that are soooooo nice to your face - but then you might for example put a new top on - and suddenly you catch the ''side eye'' of evil looks because you 'may look nice in your top'' and they hate anything good for (you).
@@cloud6862 I know stories of them asking and asking favours from people, reading said people’s stories about sexual abuse and how historical racial empowerment’s changed their lives for the better only to just laugh it off low-key and look for the next bugger to bounce off of. As soon as anything like emotional investment and true two-way reciprocity is required, they duck for the covers.
I think the main warning sign which tends to be an early indicator of narcissism, is little digs and sly put downs. They can often be quite subtle so they _almost_ pass you by, but you'll likely find yourself dwelling on them and wonder what they meant or why they said it. This is the narc's way of testing your boundaries and if you challenge them they'll just say 'I was only joking' or 'God. You're so sensitive'. Eventually, though, when they feel more relaxed in your company, the comments will ramp up and become more personal and insulting and when you outright tell them that it's not acceptable, this is when you will see their explosive narcissistic rage.
I totally see this. I’ve totally missed this sign so many times in the past because I have a naturally self-demotivating style of humor and I don’t necessarily mind it at first. It weirdly disarms them, even though they like the easy pass to say mean things. At some point, of course, you always start to notice they never make fun of themselves. Only you. And anyone else in the proximity of course
I feel this after several years of close friendship. In the beginning i thought they were just having a bad day so i ignore it. But after all of the other emotional abuse they give to me (like gaslight, being passive aggresive and never taking responsibility). Its make me realize their previous behaviour could be mean for something else.
Exactly what led to a 20 year close friendship ending. Digs to test the limits that escalated to total utter disrespect because you never put them in their place when it was needed. When it got to that point, they’ve already lost all respect for you and no way in hell their owning what they’re doing. Its your fault for being “too sensitive” .
Absolutely agree. My 'best friend' lives around the corner from me and the emotional abuse has messed with my self trust, self worth, and sent me into a lot of despair self hate. I'd never experienced these things before meeting her. I'm trying to go no contact but I'm triggered every day because she's my neighbor and I'm always fearful of seeing her. I disagree that a friend is more benign. It also depends on how sensitive a person you are as to how you internalize their abuse.
I totally agree with these 3 comments here. My personal trait of not saying a 'no' had actually fostered narcissism in my hostel roommates...so even if they mentally abused me and even if I knew that I gotta get out of it, I was stuck (also because my 'no' would always be followed by their 'victim cards' and 'emotional blackmail'.
yes and they can be so emotionally draining. it took me a long time to realize that every time I hung out with that friend i felt completely wiped, even though I sort of had fun. not worth it.
I’ve never met a narcissist that doesn’t emotionally abuse people. Initially, maybe during the “love bombing” phase, they aren’t…but they can’t keep up that facade long. Emotional abuse goes hand-in-hand with narcissism. Financial abuse is a side arm of emotional abuse as well…it really can’t be separated out as either/or. It is emotionally abusive to be financially exploitative.
Oh my gosh! It will be 16 years for me this October and I just found out I've had a friend who is a covert narcissist. Gaslighting me and using me when I was very shy and with low self-esteem. Now that I'm confident, it's been harder for her to manipulate me. But after discovering she's been manipulating me last week, I find it hard to go no contact with her since we've worked on trying to produce feature films together.
There’s always that final straw moment and mine was today! So over the roller coaster of them being fun and cool face to face but once we message and things don’t go their way they become nasty. The lack of self reflection, the blaming (They are NEVER in the wrong), no accountability, the double standards, the disrespect then playing the victim when you call them out on their mistreatment. I’m so angry inside that I allowed this person to even be a part of my life! They never deserved me as a friend. The amount of hours I spent playing a therapist to this selfish nasty person. Also their disrespect to strangers. Just a nasty individual.
I have learned with my Narcissist friend, to NEVER initiate a text where I need to straighten something out with her. She will respond with 10 or 15 LONG texts, reeming me and denying any responsibility for anything; leaving me feeling worthless, devastated and depressed for days! If I MUST say something I spring it on her in person! That's the only way I've been successful at making my point, but I have to say, it never ends well....but it's better than reading an encyclopedia of hate filled rage from her~
Or have spontaneous money problems and it's always something weird.. left my atm card, someone got into my debit card, im going here to see so and its so far, I thought u said they lived in blank..oh hmm yeah I think... randomly uses excuse to be late by 12 hours...then comes in like a ninja.. doesn't even really mention the event .then when he does it's vague... body language all off..
yes, because they can twist any info they have on you and make you look bad. I had one just the other day use my college education as a slur against me.
Sounds impossible, I'm an open book. I tell people about myself, my life and my passions because I've found that it's gotten varying people in my life to open up to me, to build a stronger friendship than me and to promote very intense and philosophical coversations. When I meet a narc, I toss them as fast as someone with BPD leaves when they split. I grew up abused and I can be quite dependant emotionally as a person. A narc would destroy me if I gave them the chance. Not going down that road, fuck that shit.
@@LindaLouise625 You don't need to be a codependent to attract NPD. NPDs are attracted to anyone with simular childhood trauma, be it other NPDs, BPDs, counterdependent people ecs. I am a counterdependent, and I am a MAGNET for covert NPDs. I rarely date but I used to have a lot of friends. Literally 50% or them were covert NPDs. Another half was codependents. And 2 BPDs with whom I was not very close. I actually really liked NPD friends when I was younger. Most of them did let me shine most of the time, so I was a star of my friend group. They also were emotionally distant which I really liked because I hated shearing my feelings. Also I was secretive (as counterdependents are) and they did not ask questions. Also, we were all teenagers/early 20s. When you are that age it's very diffircult to relate to people that have completely different family situation. We all had NPD parents. So naturally nobody would ever say "Parents always love their kids" or "My parents opinion means a lot to me". Because we all had to deal with abuse at home. When somebody said "My mother was yelling at me yesterday" nobody would be shocked. That being said, I do not recommend NPD friends at all. If you are lucky enough and they consider you a catch (my case) they might be nice to you for some years. But eventually the big breakup will happen. I had really drammatic breakups with almost all of them. And I have to say - when NPDs are teenagers they can still reflect on themselves to a degree. Once they reach 27-28 - it's a lost case. Not only do they not treat you well - they also feel like they are always right and they can hardly remember good things you did for them in the past. I don't think I was much better than them to be honest. I wanted to be popular and I wanted to feel powerfull. I was fun to be around but also a bit self-centered in my own way. I could tell people to do things for me, even though I also did things for others. I could disguard (completely cut off) a person like nobody's buisness if they did something bad. I would not even give them a chance to apologize. But the difference between me and NPDs was - I was self-aware and I did not take myself too seriously. I was able to learn from my mistakes. And I actually cared about my friends. Even after the disguard - I did not really hate them and I would never "return" to them for the supply because I do not need narc.supply. Therefore eventually I was langely able to heal. My NPD friends however became monsters. And my codependent friends became slaves of their partners. No contact with all of them. I am not even capable of helping my old codependent buddies because we have a toxic dynamic in our relationship.
I went on a cruise ship trip with a long time friend and omg she went 24/7 histrionics. Everything was a complete blow up, allergic to my hair spray and perfume, went outside of the room yelling and crying. I finally moved into a complete stranger's room who felt bad for me. I knew this woman for over 10 years and had no idea she was like this. I think she was a borderline but I'm not sure. After the trip was over, she sent me a 8 page handwritten letter how much of a horrible person I am. I got past the first page and threw it out, never talked to her again.
Incredible aye? My mom's covert and 81 yrs of age, I dread that when she dies she'll leave a 'letter' which must be read, perhaps to keep her around longer, it'll be more crap anyway!
Wow that's sounds like a horrible experience. But these narcs do show their true colors during critical times and tight quarters as in a trip. It's amazing that she hid it so well for a decade. Sorry you had to experience that.
Oh my god that plays out exactly like my ex best friend who did have BPD (& I suspect narcissistic tendencies at least). Went to her house to help her out with her son while her husband was on a trip & it was just non-stop drama... I could do nothing right and any minor error or mistake I made was like the end of the world. When I got home (I took vacation time out to do this btw) I got an email of all the awful things I’d done & how much I needed help. Yep. We had been friends for years and years and after that, I was done.
@@nursenitz Had an internet and phone friendship with a woman out of state. After about a year she invited me out for a visit. As soon as I got there--almost immediately--she found things to complain and nitpick me about. This ranged from exaggerating on things I actually did do and say, to completely imaginary transgressions that happened nowhere outside of her warped imagination. I couldn't do or say anything right, and whenever I attempted to repair the situation she just got angrier. The plan was to stay for a couple of weeks, but 5 days in I'd had enough. Afterwards she told a mutual friend that I acted like a total jerk, but she didn't believe her and instead called me to tell me that she and other people she knows have had the same experience with her. She's a known BPD tyrant.
I recently ended a 6 year friendship with a narcissist! Lack of empathy, self awareness and entitlement superficiality... all of it. Finally saw her true colors tho and I’m so glad I did😊
My narcissist friend told me if I ever spoke bad about him no one would believe me because he's always helping people and he does help a lot of ppl including me but he's very mean in evil
Had a narc "friend" once. Screwed my mind so badly it was years before I trusted anyone who was friendly toward me. Still, after 20 some years, it is hard for me to know if a person is truly friendly, or whether I will end up on that roller coaster again. As a result, I have only acquaintances. No real friends anymore. When the wall goes up, it is hard to break it down.
DJ F I felt this comment on a powerful level they leave so much damage . It's hard to think there's people out there with genuine hearts once you've been screwed over by a narc.
@Yuri monroe forgiving the abuser it is her decision only... however, she needs to work on forgiving herself for staying in this relationship for so long without knowing. Then, healing comes slowly like an IV bag. But, now she is aware and needs to work on loving herself and work on her own weakness so she can shine again wish her a healthy recovery ❣
very true. When they are friendly, one is wondering if they friendly in a genuine way or if they want something or pump for info. One doesn't who to trust
A tricky thing about a narcissistic friend, they can listen to you when the things you talk about interest them or are simple enough things to respond to, however any more nuance or personal-topic than the most surface level of things will make them disinterested in you as a person. They can also be good friends to other people and exude these characteristics with just you
Yes, when the personal story is interesting or has info they can try to use against you later. I had a friend that always brought up a jobs I had 10+ prior when trying to tease me or trigger me.
This is literally how I felt about my narcissistic friend for the past 2 years I stopped responding to her and she made up some big fake drama to engage me when I didn’t respond to that either she did the big discard telling me how bad of a friend I was for ignoring her when she needed me although I’d been there for her for 2 years. Good riddance!
I think that’s normal and happens with closer friends, in my opinion unless it’s constructive, respectful and civil a friendship breakup can turn into a fight or drama
This happened to me in an intense way. I was completely surrounded by narcissist friends. They were just people I was nearby in high school, college, grad school. I didn't seek them out for their compassion. So when I got sick and asked for serious help for the first time, they all either disappeared or began using me as a punching bag to throw shame onto. It was hellish, but I'm glad that they are all gone. I am building a new network of people now, intentionally. I have a lot to offer as a friend, and I don't need to settle for narcissists again.
You know they don’t give a shit when you tell them that you’re sick and getting a bunch of medical tests done and feeling scared about getting a lumbar puncture done and their response back to that is “good for you.” Then you point this out to them later on and they say “I apologized in my own way.” I couldn’t believe I was friends with someone for years who didn’t give a shit about me.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Your username tells me you got a lot of negative behavior directed at you. I'm trying to keep my narcissist as an acquaintance because we have mutual friends but i'm not sure how realistic this is.
In my experience they're not that direct as to say "I don't do the listening thing". I've heard "I'd love to hear but I've gotta go" and they gather up their things, or they change the subject really fast and go on and on while your head spins. If you're on the phone, suddenly they have to hang up now - "but we'll talk soon" and they never call back. They love to say "I'd really love to but..." Their minds work so fast that they can come up with a valid sounding excuse in an instant.
Julia Shashi exactly these lines used to come from my narcissistic friend. That, and if the topic of conversation was not on her alone and I mentioned anything significant that had happened in my life, she would feign some vague sudden illness (headache, sudden exhaustion or really hungry and must eat ‘or else she would collapse from hunger’). So predictable after a while
@@passingcuriosity Wow. Sorry you had to experience this. It's painful until you finally get what's going on. Once you realize who they really are, you're forearmed, and then you can adjust your expectations. But up until then, it's so painful!
@jfdc Same here with my experiences with narcissistic friends. Or they will just dismiss and interrupt you in the middle of the conversation and start blabbering on about themselves or whatever it is they feel like talking about and will not shut up. Rarely it would be so direct. More often indirect, but definitely similar to what the Doctor was saying in the video. Only cares about themselves, manipulative, always right, never wrong even if they are, very judgmental of others, feels superior to others, lacks empathy for others, and all the other classic narcissistic traits.
I learned swiftly after my son passed how many toxic family/friends I had surrounding me. Cut them off...years later now, no regrets. I give that time to friends that deserve it.
I am so unbelievably sorry, oh my god. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you, especially given the tragedy you experienced. I hope you are doing better, have found loving friends, and are healing from your son's loss. 😔❤️
Friendships tend to revolve round similar interests. Developing deeper relationships is difficult. Finding mutually supportive friends is difficult, and people do change. Treat some friendships like business where you do a give and take analysis and know what you're dealing with and what you can expect from their prior actions. Learn to be happy being alone, and work on developing your skills, personal interests and personal growth without needing to be involved with high maintenance types or those that drain your energy, goodwill or funds. Users, abusers and scammers are NOT your friends. No need to explain, just quietly exit. They will find fresh prey.
I think I'm very lucky that I have a few very close friends (that I don't even have many interests in common with). I always try to make friends with common interests, but most of the time those relationships don't get very deep, and I don't really consider them as real friendships. My real friends are more like my family.
Katie Brennan ugh I’m so sorry to hear that!! Well we became very fast best friends. I guess I was friendship love bombed. She would belittle me in front of new people we’d meet. She brought a stranger into our room one night and they were hooking up (we shared an actual room- undergrad haha) and in the morning I said something like “girl that was so inconsiderate, I had to spend the night out on the couches.” And she literally denied it ever happening!! So bizarre. Then I could hear her telling our other roommates, “megan is scaring me..... she is acting so crazy....” and I ran in like “wait wait wait WHAT??” And then she said, “omg guys I think I was r*ped last night...” I was like, “omg he left like an hour ago and I heard you all night, I was literally a witness!” Then after that interaction she was just really petty. Tried to give me bed bugs at one point haha. Lots of gaslighting
Katie Brennan i went grey rock and she picked a new victim!!! And when the semester ended we never spoke again. So If you’re in a lease with a narc, I don’t have much advise on how to get out of it legally, but all I can say is grey rock is an amazing technique
OMG YES!! I was friends with her for years and had no idea. We have been living together for a year and a half now and I haven't recognized her for almost a year at this point. She kept acting like she had no idea where her attitude was coming from and that she was sorry and gonna change but then the stakes just got higher and higher. And I started wondering "when's the last time she's even treated me like a friend and not a maid/parent/caretaker?" We're not really on speaking terms right now and just waiting for the lease to end at this point.
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
"Friends who view you as a convenience" Exactly this. 7:23 This is a true description of my "friend" who is also my roommate at the moment. About a happy hour, sometimes those people are not even happy when you have your happy hour, they are jealous and have bad intentions. And yes, I don't have the time to spend on those kinds of people
Had a narcissist friend who told me that not every one can deal with my breakdowns while I was having a mental breakdown. Didn't speak to me for days, never asked me how I was doing, if I'm ok.
This happened to me too. I ignored her after she failed to show empathy once again she made up some big drama to engage me, when I ignored that too she discarded me for being a “bad friend”
My narcissistic friend broke up with his girlfriend because she was having a psychotic episode and was admitted to a psych hospital. He didn't want the "drama". He broke up with her while she was in there. It was the cruellest thing I've ever witnessed and was the moment I realised what he was.
Had a narcissist couple friend. After 10 years of friendship, I never thought they were like that. They broke my confidence and destroyed my name. For 3 years I suffer from discouragement and I lost my trust for people. Even until now, they really left a painful scar.
You don't see the traits. You see red flags but you don't realise what's happening, until a serious event comes, like you set a boundary or you say a "no", etc. Then you start seeing the true colors.
FACTS. Saying “no” makes them RAGE. Who wants to be in any relationship where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells because a person can’t take no for an answer or WONT respect your boundaries.
I just cut ties with an extremely narcissistic friend. I didn’t realize how narcissistic she was until we’d been friends for almost 3 years. I had just gone to every pregnancy appointment with this friend, threw her a baby shower & was someone she always leaned on for support. But, when I was dealing with a serious health issue, she was completely absent. The day of my first surgery, she didn’t even text to wish me well. When I told her that hurt my feelings she said “I was busy working. Sorry you’re so sensitive” & gaslit me. The final straw for me was as when she messaged me as I lay in the hospital & stated that me discussing my illness with her her gave her “bad energy” & she needed to stay away from it to “protect her unborn baby”. 🤯🤯🤯 It was the most selfish message I’ve ever read. I walked away & never looked back. When people show you who they are, believe them. I overlooked so many red flags. On a positive note, when you leave a narcissistic friendship you don’t grieve much. You may beat yourself up for not heeding the red flags, but mostly you’ll feel RELIEF. 🙏🏼💕
She is great at explaining what a real what happens in our daily lives love this channel and I met someone like this she was my roommate first and then I thought was my friend I noticed it was always about her and had to end it she constantly complaining about her life and never cared how anyone feels so I dropped her for myself we deserve better be careful with these types of people.
@@joseenoel8093well it’s not always easy to spot I didn’t know she was a narcissist I thought it’s just a toxic person but I researched and realize it was more then that something was off the lack of empathy caused it to fall apart plus I have autism so it can be difficult at times for myself and sadly they target people like me who are kind and forgiving and a empath so now I know better.
I find that narcissistic friends tend to be users. They also are jealous and insecure come across charismatic will flirt with your boyfriend or spouse to no end. They delight in their attempts to make you feel insecure and jealous they play mind games they deflect project and blame you they take no responsibility of their actions. I’d rather be alone than have these malignant people in my life. Once you close the door on one don’t open it up again.
Yes, so when they contact their so called friend it either, breakup of new supply, or money "problem", or they want to trauma dump on you which is actually event they caused,. They are so fake
It's insane the level of peace you get when you put some space between them and yourself. After you experience that calm it's so, so hard to even tolerating going back.
I travelled with a church member and found it absolutely intolerable. She was very controlling and mean even to the point of hitting me as a "joke". I dropped her cold turkey.
@@b52270 There are wolves among lambs and tares among wheat. We have to be careful because taking care of ourselves can be perceived as being unforgiving.. George K. Simon writes about this in the book In Sheep's Clothing
@@wendybarker5118 I finally experienced this first hand a few years ago. I understand firstly what made me an ideal target, but it's been valuable in gaining an understanding of the red flags. Number One: Anyone who's high on charm and charisma is instantly flagged as suspect for NPD/ASP. Instantly. If they exhibit the first red flag and have a seeming compulsive need to always have the microphone in their hand, always need to be up the front as the centre of attention, always controlling and directing things (such as people), it's a near certainty. Sounds like a lot of pastors, right? Definitely some I know! Red flag number two: When you find yourself doing a LOT of favours, small and large, for them. Your motivation might be that you're lonely and enjoy the company, you actually WANT to help them because it's a good excuse just to hang out. You'll be coming when they call, every time. But you never ask them for help or favours, until that time you do, and they're reluctant, they're busy, or if they do come over they just want to get it done quickly and out of the way so they can get home. That's when you know. Red flag number three: You suffer a deep personal loss. If they're a covert narcissist, they might be there for you, but they'll inadvertently let little clues slip. It might be a small comment easily missed that betrays that they have low empathy. A small comment minimising your loss, or the depth of your grief. It might be an early subtle sign that you noticed but overlooked, because you didn't know about NPD yet, but early on you might have seen them show in small ways that the rules don't apply to them, or there might be a sudden and strange change in their persona when it's just the two of you in the room that they snap out of suddenly when someone else enters or joins you. It's such a pity that none of us knew anything about this until we learned the hard way. I believe that mine is the first person in my life that I've positively ID'd as an actual psychopath. There was something almost demonic about his psychological games where he put me in some very uncomfortable situations, and on one occasion on a ski trip physically endangered my life but disguised it as just a joke, and the other instances he covered over with gaslighting when I very sensitively raised a few concerns with him. I recognised the gaslighting because my memory was good- vocal tone dominance and body language made clear intent, even when the words themselves told in another context might have sounded harmless. The gaslighting was the deal breaker and I got out. I realised that I was dealing with someone who was playing cat and mouse mind games with me. The sick part is that these games escalated dramatically in the months after a devastating family loss, and I was vulnerable. There were never any third-party witnesses, it was always just him and I when these things happened. Fortunately I have a few other close friends that gave me a point of comparison and who I'd never had any cause to question or doubt their good faith. They enabled me to measure the situation with some degree of balance. So this guy was otherwise impressive in every way, and here's the kicker: You guessed it, a respectable church member with a wonderful young family, a wife who's a very decent woman, he chose her very carefully, and some great kids. Picture perfect in every way. And every now and then I get a hoovering text from him, and sometimes he has his wife do his bidding, wishing me "God's peace". It's disturbing.
Most of my friends were narcissists or narcissistic, I've just left a lot of them behind because of that. Shows me how narcissistic I myself have been too. Damn, friends really do mirror you.
The finding out how narcissistic they are while traveling is so true. I've had 2 long-term friendships end after how horrendous and unapologetic they were on a trip (where I realized how much of a prop, not a person I was to them). I need to travel with friends and partners to get real about their character faster!
Ugh that feeling you get when you realize you're like a cardboard cutout to someone, or a group of someones. Horrible feeling. You pretty much have to dissociate.
Bless you for doing this. I had friends that I became roommates with that turned out to be highly narcissistic and for the last several months they were using threats of making me homeless or harmed physically if I didn't let them dominate me and use me as their butler. The landlord was father of one of the 2 narcissistic roommate/friends. When I stood up to them I was threatened with being killed. I barred my door that night and fled the next morning and am now living in a entirely different county. Harm towards my Mom was used to keep me in fear during the last month I was there and a big part of why I stood up for myself fiercely the last night there during a harsh bullying experience. Feeling like I am starting to heal.
Sounds like a horror story. These creatures create trauma and are horrible to tackle in a virulent mob. Maybe some were alright but easily led by the master manipulator. You soon realise how easily people can be swayed to move from using to abusing then threatening murder. Sickos. Glad you escaped and can share your story.
This has given me so much clarity. I'm the loyal type and tend to tolerate toxic friendships way too long. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have a question. I had a "friend" who would get a huge smile on her face when I told her about something tragic in my life. Obviously, that's a red flag and I have gone no contact after several other red flags, but why would someone do that? I found it to be so creepy! 😱
Being a bit of a natural loner helps keep toxicity out. Being that-way inclined by default or spending a bit of time in your pensive, reserved shadow can reach you priceless bits about boundaries and essentially making it known that you’re not out here to be messed with or violated.
Usually things arnt going well for them and they think I'm not happy so she or he isn't going to be happy either or it could a natural reaction don't stress too much about it it's their problem it's nothing to do with you but I'd spend less time otherwise you will feel bad more or constantly question yourself
Uh move out. I see my narcissist friend moving in with her friend and im expecting Clash of the Titans. When her friend runs to me for help, ill explain everything. For now, im keeping my mouth shut with a bag of popcorn. 😁😁😁
Happy hour until they cross the lines into taking from you, your spouse or family. caveat emptor; choose the company you keep wisely, you will be judged by the company you keep.
Right. And personally, although they might “enliven“ a party, it’s the same thing. By including them , you are giving tacit approval of their character. Then you watch them get close to and screw over your real friends or family and you try to warn them but it’s too late, because if you tell the truth about them, and your friends and family ask “then why are you friends with them?” It’s comes off as pretty superficial to say “Well, sometimes narcissists enliven a party.”
Wow, everything you said was applicable to me. When I was in college, I was very shy and made friends with a group of girls who seemed "fun" and "cool." We became roommates and that's when our friendships got hard. I'm no longer friends with them. It took years for me to realize their friendship was not worth it.
Just went through the whole lovebombing and discard cycle literally within a few months of 'friendship'. There was no devaluation, just skipping to the ghosting discard just because I set a boundary and disagreed about something
This sounds like how Shannen Doherty and Holly Marie Combs stopped being friends when Doherty was battling cancer. Some of her friends didn’t want to be there for her when she needed them. Doherty said cancer helped her clean house.
:O > Me too! > I had a few years of extremely scarey health and discovered I'd surrounded myself with takers. Took 2 mini strokes at the end > the last was 5 years ago for me to SEE and then ACCEPT that I was surrounded by narcissistic users / abusers > because Prior to my serious health crap > I was Always there > Always available for them for them. Sometimes I feel .. low on myself for not Seeing it before .. but I think that is also common of co=dependents. People pleasers .. putting others first. :( I Still have a time putting me ahead of anyone else . However > It is easier now that I'm alone.
@@scarlettclark9764 I hope the same for her. Trouble is > as one whose been bit too many times myself .. finding / trusting new friends .. comes with a form of emotional ptsd for me. I'm too old now .. and just don't trust .. Wish I'd found these vids 40 years ago! am over 60 now .. and tired
To be honest, it does sound traumatic to put a lot of time and effort to get closer to, and to assist someone, just to watch them deteriorate and die. That one is tough. Especially if that friend has already lost a parent or spouse to cancer. With family, maybe it's 'no questions asked'. With a friendship, there's going to be more soul searching.
I find it more difficult to have shallow relationships in a way, at times I'd be better off not speaking to that person/s at all and just be alone.. rather than be with this person/s and feel lonely.
She's GOOOOOOOD! and He's a great interviewer! She made the info fun to listen to (and not a *total* drag like all the other experts on TH-cam) and he knew to ask appropriate questions and let her do most of the talking. Bravo!
She hit the nail on the head. Im now roommates with one of my good friends. I always thought he was a bit self centered, but living together is a new level lol. At first i was annoyed, but now its like i have low expectations and just pick what to share.
I try to be supportive of my friend. She tries so hard to be better which is great. I am realistic as much supportive. I am mindful of doing that. But I’ve been in a bad spot. And she makes comments about people who have hard times like me and these comments are offensive. She says “idk understand people who won’t do this” or “I hate people who can’t get through this “ and I’m like “that’s me”. It’s happened so many times I can’t help but think she thinks the same of me
The exact same thing happened to me, he would make similar comments about people who were having hard times in their lives that felt indirectly aimed at me and would even go as far to make the similar indirect offensive comments about my appearance.
Had to let go of one of my closest friends because he was a narcissist. I have a narcissistic mother and once I realized he was narcissist as well I couldn't keep him in my life. It was a hard decision but it was best for me. He became more and more toxic over the past year and it was hard for me to face but finally did when we traveled together on a trip. Much more peace of mind now even though it was hard to end.
Kelli R. Morris I was raised by narcs had narc friends but never knew why I always felt I wasn’t good enough then I had two full blown narc relationships, I was on the verge of suicide twice and I have a son. It is brought on by trauma, the same trauma that I went through as a child, I don’t know why some people are strong enough to know it’s wrong and become empaths and some are even worse than narcs, sociopaths etc I have to find the humour I’m it as I’ve only just healed after 43 years of abuse in every shape way and form from narcs. It saddens me that a lot of people never heal, but I have learned to not try and fix anymore and haven’t had a relationship since, I’m not lonely but I’m not completely against the idea when my son is an adult, he has had to see me go to hell and back twice and I have promised him that he won’t have to live with any other partner of mine...... Why have you left me those details?
Kelli R. Morris ah I see, thanks for that but I don’t have anyone I need to track, I’d certainly never get myself involved in more than an aquatintist relationship with a narcissist, I don’t seem to attract them anymore, it’s like they know I “see” them
I agree and disagree. I only disagree because i didnt want to believe what I thought I was seeing/feeling. Devistated! Again! By a "nearest dearest" of over 20 years. Im glad I know. sooner than later.
@@victoriadorgu3207, i personally am over people trying to make excuses. Its demons ya say, yeah thats right, THEY ARE DEMONS then. I understand wanting to make your head and your heart try to understand and cope with something youll never be able to understand. Sorry, but these are shitty people who do shitty things and do not care who they shit on! Its caused by many things, possession of spawn of satan i dont believe is one. Fact is they know what they do, they know its shitty or wrong, they do not care! Snd that is a CHOICE, just as you choose to continue to care about a person who is shitty to you. Im in no way shaming you, ive been married to one for going on 16 years, been gone going on 2 and my life has been sabotaged and devistaed. Because I chose to continue to have hope and faith that this human being would have airal awakening and grow a conscious. Big mistake on my part. For what ever reason those of us who find our selves living in this hell, cant read about, be told about, watned about, etc its like we have to stick around and go through the course. Its painful. Its mind boggling and thats just 2 of a very long list of negatives.
Christy McKee that’s awful 😢 I had to get out both times as I was in such a whirlwind of paranoia and self loathing I felt like I wanted to die..... Probably because I was brought up in a family of narcs too. I had to be pushed to the very brink of sanity to heal and learn. It should be against the law, it’s not just emotional abuse it’s on a whole other level, no one can understand unless they have been there ❤️
She makes a good point. In fact, in Second Brain Psychology a lot of focus is placed on friendships because of the potential for insidiously harmful interactions that can go undetected due to a lack of awareness.
I came to know that I have a close friend who is narc as I had some adult milestones recently. On the flip side, this friend has had some rough circumstances, in which i tried to support them through. For years there had been a silent competition that I wasn't really aware of. Once I realized it, I stopped sharing good news or triggering it. There's always criticism of good or bad that I share. I've been on eggshells with this person and have been drained emotionally. Traveling with this person has been crazy. Once I realized the source, I have been (unknowingly at first) employing the gray rock method. The friendship is dramatically different than when we first met. I'm pretty much at peace. Good topic. Thanks!
I have had a friend for 36 years. We're both doing well and doing good things, but boy oh boy! She is so superficial now, right down to this snotty upperclass twit accent she's adopted to make herself seem more superior. It's a complete cringe fest. She's been looking down on me for quite a while. Resented me when my project was successful, has sly digs when we're in company and basically talks to me like I'm dumb. If I can't do something for her because I'm busy, she explodes and I'm the worst friend ever, throwing a ton of emotional abuse at me. She always views what I say with suspicion, as if I'm lying so as to avoid what's really happening. It's all so strange, because we had a really strong friendship for so many years and it's hard to explain how she is now. I feel like a doormat sometimes. She may have surrounded herself with far too many 'yes' people who know her via her position and can't understand why I would say 'no' or 'I'm busy'. I think our friendship has run its course after all these years. She's a good person, just not so much to me anymore. She doesn't seem to have friends, more like people who are beneficial to her in some way. If I can't drop everything at her every whim, I'm not a beneficial friend. It's very sad, but she's turned into a narcissist and I can't deal with it anymore.
As someone who gets socially drained very quickly and loves getting lost in studies and work and in never having time, I have very few friends, but they are all amazing.
"Where a lot narcissistic friendships become unearthed are when you travel with them".. Me, who recently realized my bff was a narc after a shared trip where things got claustrophobic and I literally got on a plane to leave her: 👀
Yes right about now!! Exactly this is happening. It's a different type of grief. Here it goes: The death of a parent, I'm there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Break up of their marriage, I'm there. Blaming their kids to have traits like their ex, I'm there. Baby sitting their kids, I'm there. Now an affair gone bad with a married person who is still married??? I ran soooo fast they don't know I've left. Peace to those recovering from finding out the hard way!!!
The superficial fun thing is exactly what I’ve been going through for years with certain friends. Everything is superficial until life gets personal and the person is around you allot more often then that is when you start to see who the person is and they can’t handle what’s going on in your life
Yes it like they want life to just be like movie reel highlights moments. But when it not a fun highlights they discard you. Also, when they bored they make up drama for giggles. That they started drama
Sometimes I think they see themselves in a movie and they main character and have fake audience in their head clapping for them whenever they do something they think is badass, or wow factor.
@@FarieSag this is actually factual. I agree with everything you are saying. It’s wild! They are living in a movie. The movie is all about them and themselves. In their mind eventually the fake audiences no longer clap for them because in reality they can’t win everytime. Whenever they feel that audience is no longer clapping they blame you for it.
@@FarieSag everyone is an object to them. Including their family members. They love no one. Everyone is a tool. And when they have no need for the tool anymore they disregard them. A few of my narcissistic friends and lovers tried coming back into my life. And each time they tried I blocked them and stood on business.
She's a genius! I'm dealing with someone like this right now, unfortunately I can't get away from her, but at least now I'm aware. Thank you Doctor Ramani.
Cut off some of old good friends due to this...and quite of few on the way being friends....cut contact not feeling guilt at all, and still being civil and friendly when meet in public...
*I feel the same .. there is 1 n. '''friend'''who I am civil to but she Boils when she sees me .. I think she is typical of the narcissist who canNOT accept anyone leaving them. Nasty
What if my friend keeps doing extremely nice things for me (as in goes through a lot to help me), but then other days she puts me down and wants to prove she's better than me? wtf is that lol
That is a narcissist. She's doing nice things for you so that she can make herself look good. She wants you to be good but not better than her. She's basically playing with your emotions. Run girl run.
she’s doing nice things for you so later one when y’all are in a rocky situation she will bring up all the nice things she did for you then say ur ungrateful and try to make u look like the bad person... typical narc behavior. all these nice deeds is a mask.
And that's their goal. But don't allow yourself to stay stuck in defeat. Work on creating a new life for yourself. Your a little wiser because of this experience. You even being in this comment section shows, your looking for answers and are willing to heal. Never give up on making a new start. ( and I'm speaking to myself as well) I wish you the very best!
This is such important information. There are people in our lives, that for years can have caused such havoc, esp to those who have endured an abusive childhood, to keep us down and disempowered as well as other awful things. I am grateful for the clear and concise information that you bring forth here, and Dr. Ramani's explanations are incredibly helpful in spotting the narcissists in our lives. Personally, I'm in trouble right now, with one, thank you for the assistance.
The friend telling you he doesn’t want to be friends anymore is brutal honesty, has both ppl in mind, is actually sincere, that is a character trait/not flaw… is shallow/but nothing wrong
Yes! I was in the depths of dispear, depression and was on my way out to be with my daughter. My gorgeous 39 year old daughter took her life. The narcissist friend rung me. I hardly had energy. She said I sounded down. (Really!) She said "What you need to do is to do more affirmations." FFS who says that. Our relationship changed of course that day. She knows something has changed, she doesn't get invited to my home. I have to keep her at arms length as we are (No surprises) in a Band and partners of band and friends.
I just went no contact with someone after collecting red flags I thought were pink or something. Screaming at me on the phone was the last straw. An online friend I knew for 3 months telling me to stop taking my psych meds, encouraging me to drink, taking hours of time a day or getting upset, asking for money, yelling at me for literally no reason I really bit my tongue a lot. Today I couldn’t do it anymore. Why do I still feel like such an asshole? I always end up feeling like the asshole and blaming myself. I’m so tired of this. 😩
This has made me realize 90% of the people in my life are narcissistic. I am a huge empath, and I would, and have, helped literal strangers. No one has been here for me. I am really trying to find a way to heal 😑
The fact you have a soul an emotional capacity and the ability to live and care ……. Don’t dare feel like you got the shady deck of cards . You are a good person and because ur used to being around narcs u think no one else exists…… CBT isnot a cure but it’s a form of kind of therapy that tries to retrain your brain to have healthy boundaries not to feel guilty for keeping urself emotionally healthy . I am you I exhaust myself “helping” others to my detriment it exhausts me but I feel guilty if I don’t help others but I’m learning it’s manipulative behaviour from most likely people who know our compassion and would swim an ocean for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle . Please don’t feel alone there are so many people like you with the same mindset and values. If you start to steer away from narcissism videos and search narcissism recovery Complex ptsd recovery and read other people’s comms you will see thousands of people who have been suffering the same way you have . Now is the time to work on you and learn healthy boundaries that saying NO isn’t bad it’s just that you value yourself and your own body and mental health more than someone else’s . Imagine you have a son or daughter (maybe you have) and you sat and watched them giving every ounce of themselves to others and neglecting themselves that’s unhealthy looking and watching that from the outside right ? You would want to wake them up and be like “ ehhhh you are number 1 you come first before you give out to others “ that child is you forgive urself for the things you didn’t know or understand but now you do we also need to take responsibility for the fact we have allowed ourselves to be treated that way and we need to establish healthy boundaries and protect our well-being without dragging that anchor of guilt around your neck ……. You are worth so much more than u tell yourself I believe in you and your future sending love and positive energy😊hugs Sass ❤
I had a best friend during eight years and another one during five years. Both of them lacked empathy, disrespected me, and even betrayed me. I even suspect one of them to be a psychopath. I’ve been through abuse and bullying and none of them stood up for myself and defended me. I remember their insults, their actions and disrespectful behavior. I’m glad I cut them off from my life.
I recently had the experience of being shut down by whom I consider a true friend when I started talking about my depressive state of mind, which I was then going through. She shut me down multiple times by saying something along the lines of “Oh, don’t bring my mood down with this talk.” And then started talking about the weather in her city. It was so absurd I felt like laughing to her face.
Best sign ever. I can't even get out of this kind of female relationship. I don't text or call her anymore, but she accuses me of not texting her (without questioning why). How do I end a friendship like this? Please, can you comment if you come across this?
Block them? And/or say straight up you feel drained by the friendship and have to take time for yourself (or just say that last part). They might give up after that or if they explode, then that's definitely your sign to block them. That's just my opinion and what I would do. I'm in a similiar situation, but feel like I can't do what you're trying to do, because then I probably would lose my other friend too. I guess we'll see how that goes.
I knew the moment i saw this person have no empathy for a person they hurt really badly. This person was crying, bearing their soul and the narcissist was completely unaffected by it.
😮😮😮😮 and I never knew I had a narcissistic friend for yearsssss. This video really shined light on the behavior. We used to be on the phone for hours just talking about her situations, I couldn’t get a word in. I’m thinking I’m being a friend/listening ear butttt I was being used. She never wanted my input just me to listen and not say nothing. Never wanted to discuss my situations. She even started asking me for favors for someone else😩😩😩
So true. Told my bestie of 5 years I was going through something hard and she straight up avoided me for about 8 days... It suddenly dawned on me that I was putting in all the effort in our friendship and every time I needed something she disappeared. To reemerged when she needed her pc fixed, an idea for art or money. Then like all narcissist, she refused to admit she wasn't acting properly and even say sorry, or that she would try to do better. She blamed me!!! Claiming I don't understand and that she was perfect and did everything she could to be a good friend. That I'm not telling her what I want. I said any effort!!! She continues to say "I forgot your birthday or would get you something." Guys, it's 4 days before hers and she used to know it. When I asked her what she ever did for me, there was silence. So I said, yep, so I will put in as much effort as you are, and say bye bye.
Dr. Ramani can you please do a video on how you reached this level of clarity of thoughts. Knowing what is right is one thing, but being able to put it out with a confidence that empowers the people around you, how did you achieve this strength of character. It’d really inspire and help a lot of us If you enlighten us with your take on coming back from damage stronger.
I recently ended a friendship with someone who was a narcissist. Thankfully I was only with them for a year and a half. What did it for me was I got sick with bronchitis and then another friend of mine had a health crisis and I was taking care of their personal affairs. He became an even bigger jerk when these events happened. Didn't want to hear about it and was bragging about how great his life was. I knew enough not to get angry with him and basically texted him one morning and said I needed time alone. All he said was ok & I was done. I can't tell you the weight off my shoulders as soon as I told him that. It was such a relief not having to deal with his bs-constantly sending me pics of his life wanting me to respond and say how great everything was with him.
My high school friend changed into narcissist when we started attending nursing school and became roommates! She used to give me the silent treatment and eventually said she wanted to end the friendship and I simply said yep! I've moved on and glad she's not a part of my life anymore...
I love that you highlighted the difference between a narcissist & a malignant narcissist. Some people may dismiss the behavior of a narcissistic person in their life because they compare to it to the behavior or trauma they experienced from another more malignant narcissist. Basically "Well they hurt me, but they can't be that bad because they're nothing in compare to that reallllyy bad narcissist I once knew. I'm probably overreacting & there must be something wrong with the way I'm perceiving these disrespected boundaries. There's totally no waay I'm just a codependent who attracts narcissists like flies to honey, with some just being less worse than others." 😭
Dr. Ramani: “You can always keep a few narcissistic friends up on the top shelf there, they’re sort of fun to have at parties, you know they definitely keep the conversation lively and grandiose, you just need to remember to put them back in the cupboard when you’re done!” Both very funny and so to the point... To expect anything more than superficiality and entertainment from narcissists, and you are aiming to get your heart, and soul, crushed beyond recognition. I’ve been there, not a pleasant experience. We can easily get pulled in with their charm and wit, but their bite is not worth the cost of admission into their lives, again, other than casual acquaintance perhaps.
I am currently going through a hard time with my narcissistic husband after the cheating and his manipulation....the only friend i could think of was my long time friend...he listened, gave a shoulder to lean on, and showed me that she's the perfect one.i now had somewhere to lean on...my goodness! She withdrew everything when i was comfortable and sarcastically started pointing all my weakness...whats that if not live boming, withdrawal of affection and gaslighting?
Yup had a friend for years that I would help out with working on there vehicle and visit often. After hangout for a few hours I headed home and had a flat tire 20 miles away called and asked if they had a jack and could help since my dad was already asleep and had to wake up early the next morning. (This happened at 11pm) They said it was too far and too late and to call my dad. Woke up my dad who was groggy but STILL came out and helped messing up his sleep. No longer talk to that narcissist
I hope its ok if i share five warning signs for everyone that is dealing with a narcissistic friend. 1) All (or a large majority) of their previous romantic relationships & friendships ended badly. The narc can never take responsibility for why these relationships ended. 2)They keep several of their past bfs on speed dial and only contact them when they are high and/or lonely. 3) The narc ghosts you for weeks, and then uses some drama in their life to excuse this absence. They literally go from love bombing you and sending you messages each day to not contacting you for several weeks. Almost always happens after you try to set boundaries or you have problems that you wish to discuss with the narc. 4) They NEVER use the word SORRY! 5) When you finally, after several months, share with them a horrible story of what happened to you on a night out with them (i was raped by a guy who she and her then bf introduced me too), her only response is "it makes me feel really uncomfortable that you bring up something that happened almost a year ago"
I went no contact with my narc sister. A year later i find out she made contact with my friend. I found out by chance, my friend lied saying oh yeah she called and left a message but i never talked to her. My sister has always been jealous and has tried to destroy me. My friend knows all this. I just found out she moved in with my friends brother months ago. When i confronted her about it she claimed she didn't know and stopped the conversation there. My suster is toxic, aging and losing control. She actually had our brother wrongfully arrested recently. Im perfectly comfortable being alone with myself .
I dont know if my former friend/roommate was a narcissist but she was definitely a frenemy. Sees me sewing or baking "nicole, you're such a young old lady".... uhm okay? F that girl, was never so happy to get someone out of my house.
My narsasistic roommate, whom lives in my house rent free because I helped her leave an abusive relationship, doesnt clean up after herself, hides all of her groceries in her room, and then uses all of my groceries. Let's her 4 year old push and talk down on my toddler. Will lock her kids out of the room while they run free in my house so I have to watch them. Refuses to turn in her application for her own apartment, and then complains to my mom that she doesn't feel welcomed.
@@Mirandawful I hope you have learned your lesson 🙂 by now. You need to get rid of them!!! 🤯 what is your update in your situation? Hope all is well with you by now 🙏
@@angelinaalarcon132 she tried to start drama with my mom and me , talking a bunch of mess that wasn't true and my husband finally just had it and just kicked her out . She was gone the same day.
@@Mirandawful I am so happy 😊 for you. You can't reason with these people especially when they start a web of lies. Dr. Ramani has her own "You Tube Channel" it is amazing.. i have learned a lot from her. Another good "you tube channel" about narcisims and toxic people is by "Lisa A. Romano" these toxic people use gaslighting to confuse 😐 you and turn things against you. May God and the universe protect you and bring you peace 🙏
I had a narcissist parent and just thought that was how I was supposed to be treated because I had never truly known what it was like to be treated well by someone else. My first sign my friend was a narc was when my dog was dying and she said she was bored and went to the bar. I buried my dog the following week and she didn't respond.
Yes I have decided to stop answering the phone to her now, my life will never be as good as it should be with her and her invalidating remarks, thanks for your help 🌈
I have lost a few narcissistic friends, one of whom was continuously texting and then asked my husband out to a movie with her. Um nope!! She lives just down the street and we have not spoken in nearly a year.
Which of Dr. Ramani's signs of narcissism have you spotted in your roommate or friend? Let us know in the comments below - we want to hear your story.
Watch 100+ exclusive mental health videos with Dr. Ramani HERE: bit.ly/38o1kVd
Being "friends" is what threw me off. It didn't occur to me at first, a friend could be a narcissist because it wasn't the stereotype situation associated with narcs, usually boyfriends or spouses.
The Narc friend I had, I knew something was "off" bit by bit. His words and behavior just didn't add up as time went on.
He would "seem" so nice and supportive to my face, yet suddenly, my other friends were one by one "blocking" me and avoiding me. Also, people I barely knew were yelling at me on campus about things I never said or did. Prior to the Narc friend, I got along with most people, no real problems, I wasn't a person who got into trouble.
I put two and two together and realized all this "drama" was created behind the scenes by my Narc friend. It took me a while to figure out he was the source. I felt like I was going crazy (it was Gaslighting). The Narc was badmouthing me to my friends behind my back. I didn't find out till one had told me the Narc contacted her, claiming I said things I didn't.
I was so shocked. I could not understand WHY a person who claimed to be my friend would do that. But the Narc actually "smeared" a lot of people he claimed were "friends".
I really knew he was a Narc when I was Googling his behavior and found the term "Triangulation". I knew the Narc was doing a thing where he would pit two people against each other, who ironically didn't know one another, into a conflict the Narc created.
Once I found the word Triangulation, that led me to ALL the characteristics of a Narcissist and so many websites and videos. Once I identified the traits, I KNEW for sure my friend was a Narcissist!
He didn't know I knew WHAT he was and what to expect. I was lucky enough to be prepared to expect the devaluation and the inevitable "Smear Campaign" and "Flying Monkeys". Like clockwork it ALL happened! And of course, there was the trying to "Hoover" me back.
I was amazed at how effective No Contact was. The Narc did not understand why I wasn't reacting like all the others, begging him to take them back. I was the opposite. I 'Blocked" him, changed my phone number refused to react to his "Smear Campaign".
Boy, I have never understood how a person could be so mad at you for doing nothing to them (No Contact) after HE discarded me. Yes, he discarded me, blocked me, yet HE was angry at me for not responding afterward.
That's Narcissists lol.
A friend seemed not to bother when I told her deep stuff and I saw that as a red flag , wasn't thinking she was a narcsisist but the other night she started hitting me saying she's jealous and hates me .hadn't known her long I said in a tex the next day that I will wait for apology and an explanation then I texed her the next day saying I'm not waiting for a sorry and I'm saying that's it cause she made it clear how she felt then she has said sorry and can't remember anything and I've just left it alone and she's acepting that I don't want ti be a friend .what do you think ?,
I've had one just move out- and exactly as Dr. Ramani said, I didn't realize he was on the extreme end of the narcissistic spectrum until I let him and his girlfriend move in. They used, took, broke or moved absolutely anything and everything they could- including my kids food AND their toys. When they paid rent it was late- and usually only half the amount. To top it all off- he had my power turned off yesterday when they finally moved out, and he came back at some stage last night and left my roller door open, My beautiful bulldog decided she'd go walkabout and it's going to cost me over $250 to have her released from the pound 😔
Within a few days of them being here I was like "oh Lord what have I done".... 4 months later- they're finally out of my house and STILL costing me a fortune 🤯
No.
More.
Housemates.
EVER!!
Am 4 minutes and 10 sec into 9:44 long video and still waiting for her to start talking about how to spot the signs. Now wanna be a dick but try to keep it ON TOPIC. This is a video about friendships. She mentions narcissism..somewhere. Please change the name of the video.
My former "best" friend and now also former roommate turned out to be a malignant narcissist if not a sociopath. She lied pathologically, was outrageously manipulative, she spread rumors about other people, and as I learned later also about me, she borrowed money that she just somehow never remembered to pay back, she took advantage of people, and when it came down to it she wasn't even grateful for all the times people helped her out, in fact she would find ways to twist people's kindnesses into negative things against them. You could never contradict her without a fight even if she was flat out wrong, and she bragged continuously about talents or skills she didn't have! All the years I knew her before she was a roommate I can see now that I ignored the red flags, and made excuses for her, but she couldn't hide it 24/7, I got to where I could actually see her slip into a persona as we approached certain people. As I look back through my history, I had many such "friends". I'm a narcissist magnet.
People always talk about love bombing in romantic relationships, but it totally happens in friendships too.
Tell me about it. One female narc would stare at me from across the lab for 3 months
Mine stalked me for months and wouldn't stop sending me hoovering messages. And shes just an AQUAINTANCE!! I guess she wanted to use me quite badly
Yes it does right. The 'honeymoon' phase in friendship totally exisg too, minus the kiss, sex and so on. But during the 'love' bombing, our emotions are met, and then the abuses happen. And we will stay friends for so long because we thought, we were happy once, we will again. Unconsciously we became their doormat 😒
True. Often if you are not assertive they can bulldoze their way in
and they can and will eventually discard you for their next "best friend" but they'll never own up to it. you either leave them or stay in the surface level "friendship" and continue to be treated like an afterthought. god i hate that term, best friend.
Narcissistic friends are very charming and helpful. They seem like nice people (the covert ones) but if you’re observant enough, you will catch veiled hostility, triangulation especially when they’re bored and ready to discard you.
how are they helpful ?? > To Anyone but themselves
💯
@@LindaLouise625 it’s true, they do things in a way that seem conventionally helpful. They may do things that seem kind or helpful but it’s only as long as it doesn’t affect their own success. Does that make sense?
@xVividTangerine my roommate/friend gave me expensive gift on my birthday ans sometimes gives me clothes😂... which she didn't want to wear no more... as i used to feel hesitant to say no... i just take it and she will boast what she gave me to our others friend... as it is not my clothing style i feel like not wearing it... my other friends was like why not wearing it etc.... i feel bad but i just can't wear them out😂... is this counts
They may try to give you advice. The advice is usually very low effort for them. Sometimes the advice can be helpful. They may try to do this in the love bombing stage. I had a friend in-like that. I always something was wrong but could not pinpoint what. It wasn’t until I leaned more about NPD that I realize how manipulative she was. Weirdest thing was that she often talked about her ex-husband as being a covert narcissist. That’s why I never thought that she could be one herself.
I know I'm friends with a narc when I feel this need to "win" their approval by being clever enough, giving enough, cool enough etc to avoid being lumped in with "everyone else" they trash. It feels like that knot in your stomach of one wrong move and you'll catch hell and be out of their good graces. Like when I start losing myself in who THEY'D approve of rather than who I am. If I get home and I'm like "who was that ...that's not me" I know I'm in the presence of a narc.
Kristal Campbell You just summarized my entire relationship with my ex best friend. It went on for years and years with just hoping I would stay in her good graces & get her approval. For what? I no contacted her 2 years ago & I’m still struggling to find my way with other friendships that are more healthy.
Absolutely!! I always say that one of the big red flags is if you want them to like you (even though you don't necessarily like them all that much).
You hit the nail on the head with feeling the need to "win" their approval by being up to their standards. I struggle with feeling like I need to be validated by others and narcs seem to be attracted to people who have issues with that
Yeah, I think all of them need to feel superior to everyone else. If they see you're knowledgeable in an area that they aren't so much, they see it as a threat. Their fragile ego gets bruised, and that's when they discard and/or begin the smear campaigns against you. They hate it when they see your confident and feel good about something. It's just so damn toxic to be a long term friend of one... ugh.
Barbara Banks 1 - Right. You lose 25 pounds and they say nothing- they notice, but they aren’t happy for you.
You should always be able to tell someone who is your good friend to stop doing something thats bothering you, without them fighting you about it.
The annoying part was the former friend leaving messages about acknowledging the his crappy behavior not apologizing than saying we should still be friends........However, I'm a mean person for ending the friendship.
exactly
Yep. Just ended a long-term friendship over this.
yeah.. :/ ive decided to lie to my family where i go to school now because.. i truly want to be left alone. i dont want them to even know. i have felt so hurt that.. i just want to be invisible.
I spoke up to a narc friend about some of her behaviours and she wouldn't speak to me for 2 years! I finally gave up on the friendship last year. It was hard as we had been friends since school, but her behaviour was getting worse.
The friend who monopolizes the conversation 80% of the time. Turns every topic you bring up right back to themselves. Gas lights you when you cant follow their tirades with I told you about that don't you listen to me. Gets nasty when you don't agree or point out their flaws. Never asks about your life and on rare occasions when they do, immediately turns conversation back to themselves. Everyone else in their life is wrong, flawed or out to get them. It's exhausting and emotionally unfulfilling.
Everyone else in their life is wrong except themselves 😂
Monopolizing the conversation, good lord, and somehow are "experts" suddenly in whatever subject you're talking about. It's tired.
I dont necessarily agree with people who complain about their lives. This is so so wrong and narcs might even use it towards victims like me. So please be careful about what you write
In my case, i listen to my friend, and she texts me almost everyday expecting me to answer her in seconds. She says i dont listen, and that i am not a good friend. I am married and live in another country. She says that i am the “protagonist” of the relationship. I feel i cant share the good things in my life with her because she thinks i am bragging. I feel gaslighted.
I had a friend like this.
After 10 years invested in what I considered a close friendship, I finally learned this person is a narcissist after I reflected on lots of isolated events that left me doubting myself or feeling disrespected. I realized this person has no empathy, likes to tell me how to live my life, judges, condescends and shames. I tolerated it for years and that was the most painful realization but I just let it all go and feel so much better without the mind twisting.
Exactly same i learnt for someone in was with, since childhood. m 35 now
sounds like me sister
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Same happened to me with a friend of 14 years. I kept making excuses, over looking the red flags. I know what you mean about the mind twisting. ugh. It's a lot to process, isn't it? But we'll be ok. They never really were. That's the sad part.
@@joshuafalade4754 oh wow~ That's really good detective work. I'm sorry to hear the pain I know this caused you. But I'm glad the truth was exposed. Even when we don't want something to be true, it does give a certain amount of relief and satisfaction to know it. I wish you the best.
For every narcissist, there is an enabler who faithfully builds up the narcissist.
@Pud Pete you can love someone, have compassion for them…but that does not mean tolerating their behavior.
We need to remember ourselves in every interaction, friendship, relationship. Taking ourselves into consideration too, at least equally to the other.
If anything is self betraying of our needs/boundaries, we say “no”. Advocation for self is of utmost importance. A narcissist will never advocate for you, unless it’s used as a manipulative tactic. You’ve got to have your own back, see the situation for what it is.
Have you watched any of The Crappy Childhood fairy videos? She has some super helpful advice too.
Mhm-hm. Breaches of professional regulations have been known to occur just to enable these poisonous idiots.
Around when ''they need something off you'' and they stay well clear when that table is turned because they dont care and are not interested. Becasue 'Its all about them'' -great movie starring Bette Davis - All About Eve.....
Their the 'freinds' that are soooooo nice to your face - but then you might for example put a new top on - and suddenly you catch the ''side eye'' of evil looks because you 'may look nice in your top'' and they hate anything good for (you).
@@cloud6862 I know stories of them asking and asking favours from people, reading said people’s stories about sexual abuse and how historical racial empowerment’s changed their lives for the better only to just laugh it off low-key and look for the next bugger to bounce off of. As soon as anything like emotional investment and true two-way reciprocity is required, they duck for the covers.
I think the main warning sign which tends to be an early indicator of narcissism, is little digs and sly put downs. They can often be quite subtle so they _almost_ pass you by, but you'll likely find yourself dwelling on them and wonder what they meant or why they said it. This is the narc's way of testing your boundaries and if you challenge them they'll just say 'I was only joking' or 'God. You're so sensitive'.
Eventually, though, when they feel more relaxed in your company, the comments will ramp up and become more personal and insulting and when you outright tell them that it's not acceptable, this is when you will see their explosive narcissistic rage.
My father and my "bestfriend"
I totally see this. I’ve totally missed this sign so many times in the past because I have a naturally self-demotivating style of humor and I don’t necessarily mind it at first. It weirdly disarms them, even though they like the easy pass to say mean things. At some point, of course, you always start to notice they never make fun of themselves. Only you. And anyone else in the proximity of course
I feel this after several years of close friendship. In the beginning i thought they were just having a bad day so i ignore it. But after all of the other emotional abuse they give to me (like gaslight, being passive aggresive and never taking responsibility). Its make me realize their previous behaviour could be mean for something else.
Dang this exactly what happened
Exactly what led to a 20 year close friendship ending. Digs to test the limits that escalated to total utter disrespect because you never put them in their place when it was needed. When it got to that point, they’ve already lost all respect for you and no way in hell their owning what they’re doing. Its your fault for being “too sensitive” .
Keeping narcissistic friends around is not wise if they emotionally abuse you. They don’t have to financially exploit you in order to be toxic.
Absolutely agree. My 'best friend' lives around the corner from me and the emotional abuse has messed with my self trust, self worth, and sent me into a lot of despair self hate. I'd never experienced these things before meeting her. I'm trying to go no contact but I'm triggered every day because she's my neighbor and I'm always fearful of seeing her. I disagree that a friend is more benign. It also depends on how sensitive a person you are as to how you internalize their abuse.
Great advice! What I noticed is that narcissists get mad if you don't mantain them. They want to sit on the sofá while you bring the cash.
I totally agree with these 3 comments here. My personal trait of not saying a 'no' had actually fostered narcissism in my hostel roommates...so even if they mentally abused me and even if I knew that I gotta get out of it, I was stuck (also because my 'no' would always be followed by their 'victim cards' and 'emotional blackmail'.
yes and they can be so emotionally draining. it took me a long time to realize that every time I hung out with that friend i felt completely wiped, even though I sort of had fun. not worth it.
I’ve never met a narcissist that doesn’t emotionally abuse people. Initially, maybe during the “love bombing” phase, they aren’t…but they can’t keep up that facade long.
Emotional abuse goes hand-in-hand with narcissism. Financial abuse is a side arm of emotional abuse as well…it really can’t be separated out as either/or. It is emotionally abusive to be financially exploitative.
It took me sixteen years to see through a malignant narcissistic friend! Went no contact almost a year ago..best decision I have made for myself.
It took me four years to realize I’ve never had a real friend in her
6 years what a loser 😷😤😤😤
It took me 13 plus years !!! It was traumatic at first but now I feel like I am the happiest person ever
It took me 14 years 😕 It's been just over a year since and I have so much more peace. New ppl stepped into my life and showed me true friendship 🙌🏾
Oh my gosh! It will be 16 years for me this October and I just found out I've had a friend who is a covert narcissist. Gaslighting me and using me when I was very shy and with low self-esteem. Now that I'm confident, it's been harder for her to manipulate me. But after discovering she's been manipulating me last week, I find it hard to go no contact with her since we've worked on trying to produce feature films together.
The worse thing you can do to yourself is go back to a narcissistic relationship be it friendship or otherwise. Once you shut that door, KEEP IT SHUT!
Agreed
once you see the sick, sadistic, smug smile of a narc, there's absolutely no going back...
There’s always that final straw moment and mine was today! So over the roller coaster of them being fun and cool face to face but once we message and things don’t go their way they become nasty. The lack of self reflection, the blaming (They are NEVER in the wrong), no accountability, the double standards, the disrespect then playing the victim when you call them out on their mistreatment. I’m so angry inside that I allowed this person to even be a part of my life! They never deserved me as a friend. The amount of hours I spent playing a therapist to this selfish nasty person. Also their disrespect to strangers. Just a nasty individual.
I have learned with my Narcissist friend, to NEVER initiate a text where I need to straighten something out with her. She will respond with 10 or 15 LONG texts, reeming me and denying any responsibility for anything; leaving me feeling worthless, devastated and depressed for days! If I MUST say something I spring it on her in person! That's the only way I've been successful at making my point, but I have to say, it never ends well....but it's better than reading an encyclopedia of hate filled rage from her~
So true. You don't truly know a friend until you live or vacation with them.
Yeeeeessss!!! Spot on!!!
Also, narc pal who keeps ask asking for cash &/or gifts
Or have spontaneous money problems and it's always something weird.. left my atm card, someone got into my debit card, im going here to see so and its so far, I thought u said they lived in blank..oh hmm yeah I think... randomly uses excuse to be late by 12 hours...then comes in like a ninja.. doesn't even really mention the event .then when he does it's vague... body language all off..
or until your life improves, that'll show you who's genuinely happy for you and who likes to see you suffer
If you keep them “on the shelf” you still need to avoid sharing any of your personal business. Keep topics very generic.
Keep them on the shelf ??
No find away to not have contact !!!!!!
Bridget Menham No contact is ideal but not always possible.
yes, because they can twist any info they have on you and make you look bad. I had one just the other day use my college education as a slur against me.
They keep us on the shelf for supply.
Sounds impossible, I'm an open book. I tell people about myself, my life and my passions because I've found that it's gotten varying people in my life to open up to me, to build a stronger friendship than me and to promote very intense and philosophical coversations.
When I meet a narc, I toss them as fast as someone with BPD leaves when they split. I grew up abused and I can be quite dependant emotionally as a person. A narc would destroy me if I gave them the chance.
Not going down that road, fuck that shit.
When you come from a household of narcs, then a friend with the same personality traits would be familiar.
also > Some of us respond to the narcissist parents in a co dependent way and we end up in that pattern which attracts more narcissists sigh ..
@@lizvtaz6 ?? GOod for you > My comment was About Me. Your response is fkn narcissistic attention seeking.
Leave me alone.
@@LindaLouise625 You don't need to be a codependent to attract NPD. NPDs are attracted to anyone with simular childhood trauma, be it other NPDs, BPDs, counterdependent people ecs. I am a counterdependent, and I am a MAGNET for covert NPDs. I rarely date but I used to have a lot of friends. Literally 50% or them were covert NPDs. Another half was codependents. And 2 BPDs with whom I was not very close. I actually really liked NPD friends when I was younger. Most of them did let me shine most of the time, so I was a star of my friend group. They also were emotionally distant which I really liked because I hated shearing my feelings. Also I was secretive (as counterdependents are) and they did not ask questions. Also, we were all teenagers/early 20s. When you are that age it's very diffircult to relate to people that have completely different family situation. We all had NPD parents. So naturally nobody would ever say "Parents always love their kids" or "My parents opinion means a lot to me". Because we all had to deal with abuse at home. When somebody said "My mother was yelling at me yesterday" nobody would be shocked.
That being said, I do not recommend NPD friends at all. If you are lucky enough and they consider you a catch (my case) they might be nice to you for some years. But eventually the big breakup will happen. I had really drammatic breakups with almost all of them. And I have to say - when NPDs are teenagers they can still reflect on themselves to a degree. Once they reach 27-28 - it's a lost case. Not only do they not treat you well - they also feel like they are always right and they can hardly remember good things you did for them in the past.
I don't think I was much better than them to be honest. I wanted to be popular and I wanted to feel powerfull. I was fun to be around but also a bit self-centered in my own way. I could tell people to do things for me, even though I also did things for others. I could disguard (completely cut off) a person like nobody's buisness if they did something bad. I would not even give them a chance to apologize. But the difference between me and NPDs was - I was self-aware and I did not take myself too seriously. I was able to learn from my mistakes. And I actually cared about my friends. Even after the disguard - I did not really hate them and I would never "return" to them for the supply because I do not need narc.supply. Therefore eventually I was langely able to heal. My NPD friends however became monsters. And my codependent friends became slaves of their partners. No contact with all of them. I am not even capable of helping my old codependent buddies because we have a toxic dynamic in our relationship.
Yep!!!
Yes. And your family, if they meet this friend, will HATE them because they remind them of themselves
I went on a cruise ship trip with a long time friend and omg she went 24/7 histrionics. Everything was a complete blow up, allergic to my hair spray and perfume, went outside of the room yelling and crying. I finally moved into a complete stranger's room who felt bad for me. I knew this woman for over 10 years and had no idea she was like this. I think she was a borderline but I'm not sure. After the trip was over, she sent me a 8 page handwritten letter how much of a horrible person I am. I got past the first page and threw it out, never talked to her again.
Incredible aye? My mom's covert and 81 yrs of age, I dread that when she dies she'll leave a 'letter' which must be read, perhaps to keep her around longer, it'll be more crap anyway!
Sounds like bpd.
Wow that's sounds like a horrible experience. But these narcs do show their true colors during critical times and tight quarters as in a trip. It's amazing that she hid it so well for a decade. Sorry you had to experience that.
Oh my god that plays out exactly like my ex best friend who did have BPD (& I suspect narcissistic tendencies at least). Went to her house to help her out with her son while her husband was on a trip & it was just non-stop drama... I could do nothing right and any minor error or mistake I made was like the end of the world. When I got home (I took vacation time out to do this btw) I got an email of all the awful things I’d done & how much I needed help. Yep. We had been friends for years and years and after that, I was done.
@@nursenitz
Had an internet and phone friendship with a woman out of state. After about a year she invited me out for a visit. As soon as I got there--almost immediately--she found things to complain and nitpick me about. This ranged from exaggerating on things I actually did do and say, to completely imaginary transgressions that happened nowhere outside of her warped imagination. I couldn't do or say anything right, and whenever I attempted to repair the situation she just got angrier. The plan was to stay for a couple of weeks, but 5 days in I'd had enough. Afterwards she told a mutual friend that I acted like a total jerk, but she didn't believe her and instead called me to tell me that she and other people she knows have had the same experience with her. She's a known BPD tyrant.
I recently ended a 6 year friendship with a narcissist! Lack of empathy, self awareness and entitlement superficiality... all of it. Finally saw her true colors tho and I’m so glad I did😊
My narcissist friend told me if I ever spoke bad about him no one would believe me because he's always helping people and he does help a lot of ppl including me but he's very mean in evil
Had a narc "friend" once. Screwed my mind so badly it was years before I trusted anyone who was friendly toward me. Still, after 20 some years, it is hard for me to know if a person is truly friendly, or whether I will end up on that roller coaster again. As a result, I have only acquaintances. No real friends anymore. When the wall goes up, it is hard to break it down.
DJ F I felt this comment on a powerful level they leave so much damage . It's hard to think there's people out there with genuine hearts once you've been screwed over by a narc.
@Yuri monroe forgiving the abuser it is her decision only... however, she needs to work on forgiving herself for staying in this relationship for so long without knowing. Then, healing comes slowly like an IV bag. But, now she is aware and needs to work on loving herself and work on her own weakness so she can shine again wish her a healthy recovery ❣
very true. When they are friendly, one is wondering if they friendly in a genuine way or if they want something or pump for info. One doesn't who to trust
Some here I trust no one!
I feel you
I recently have an argument with a narcissist. Such a waste of time 😂
ensayofr the worst! Waste of time.
prissy fer exactly your point never gets across
Yep, my ex narcissistic friend would always say "I'm not about to debate with you."
@@Yazzzzy I think a narcissist wouldn't say that. They feed off that negative energy and they keep going in an desire to prove superiority
It pointless! It like fighting with a wall.
A tricky thing about a narcissistic friend, they can listen to you when the things you talk about interest them or are simple enough things to respond to, however any more nuance or personal-topic than the most surface level of things will make them disinterested in you as a person.
They can also be good friends to other people and exude these characteristics with just you
Dump 'em!
Yes, when the personal story is interesting or has info they can try to use against you later. I had a friend that always brought up a jobs I had 10+ prior when trying to tease me or trigger me.
Tru
I always felt like why it was so weird why I couldn't be open with most of my "friends"..... Now I understand
This is literally how I felt about my narcissistic friend for the past 2 years I stopped responding to her and she made up some big fake drama to engage me when I didn’t respond to that either she did the big discard telling me how bad of a friend I was for ignoring her when she needed me although I’d been there for her for 2 years. Good riddance!
Man I have had friendships that felt like romantic breakups where "we need to talk" has happened
I think that’s normal and happens with closer friends, in my opinion unless it’s constructive, respectful and civil a friendship breakup can turn into a fight or drama
Just left my final narcissist friendship today and feel great about it.
This happened to me in an intense way. I was completely surrounded by narcissist friends. They were just people I was nearby in high school, college, grad school. I didn't seek them out for their compassion. So when I got sick and asked for serious help for the first time, they all either disappeared or began using me as a punching bag to throw shame onto. It was hellish, but I'm glad that they are all gone. I am building a new network of people now, intentionally. I have a lot to offer as a friend, and I don't need to settle for narcissists again.
Narcs are so odd when your sick aren't they
You know they don’t give a shit when you tell them that you’re sick and getting a bunch of medical tests done and feeling scared about getting a lumbar puncture done and their response back to that is “good for you.” Then you point this out to them later on and they say “I apologized in my own way.” I couldn’t believe I was friends with someone for years who didn’t give a shit about me.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Your username tells me you got a lot of negative behavior directed at you. I'm trying to keep my narcissist as an acquaintance because we have mutual friends but i'm not sure how realistic this is.
Same boat & I love your username
In my experience they're not that direct as to say "I don't do the listening thing". I've heard "I'd love to hear but I've gotta go" and they gather up their things, or they change the subject really fast and go on and on while your head spins. If you're on the phone, suddenly they have to hang up now - "but we'll talk soon" and they never call back. They love to say "I'd really love to but..." Their minds work so fast that they can come up with a valid sounding excuse in an instant.
Julia Shashi exactly these lines used to come from my narcissistic friend. That, and if the topic of conversation was not on her alone and I mentioned anything significant that had happened in my life, she would feign some vague sudden illness (headache, sudden exhaustion or really hungry and must eat ‘or else she would collapse from hunger’). So predictable after a while
@@passingcuriosity Wow. Sorry you had to experience this. It's painful until you finally get what's going on. Once you realize who they really are, you're forearmed, and then you can adjust your expectations. But up until then, it's so painful!
Yes exactly - I put one down when I said I don't feel comfortable talking to you
This describes my sister. Never has time for me unless she needs something from me.
@jfdc Same here with my experiences with narcissistic friends. Or they will just dismiss and interrupt you in the middle of the conversation and start blabbering on about themselves or whatever it is they feel like talking about and will not shut up. Rarely it would be so direct. More often indirect, but definitely similar to what the Doctor was saying in the video. Only cares about themselves, manipulative, always right, never wrong even if they are, very judgmental of others, feels superior to others, lacks empathy for others, and all the other classic narcissistic traits.
I learned swiftly after my son passed how many toxic family/friends I had surrounding me. Cut them off...years later now, no regrets. I give that time to friends that deserve it.
I am so unbelievably sorry, oh my god. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you, especially given the tragedy you experienced. I hope you are doing better, have found loving friends, and are healing from your son's loss. 😔❤️
Friendships tend to revolve round similar interests. Developing deeper relationships is difficult. Finding mutually supportive friends is difficult, and people do change. Treat some friendships like business where you do a give and take analysis and know what you're dealing with and what you can expect from their prior actions. Learn to be happy being alone, and work on developing your skills, personal interests and personal growth without needing to be involved with high maintenance types or those that drain your energy, goodwill or funds. Users, abusers and scammers are NOT your friends. No need to explain, just quietly exit. They will find fresh prey.
I think I'm very lucky that I have a few very close friends (that I don't even have many interests in common with). I always try to make friends with common interests, but most of the time those relationships don't get very deep, and I don't really consider them as real friendships. My real friends are more like my family.
Thank you.
Tfw when your friend was so lowkey proud of being defined as a High Maintenance friend.
I would agree with you. But I am actually really good friends with people who are nothing like me.
I lived with a narcissist and it was the most frustrating experience ever
Megan Ab I am a single, I want to be a friend in WhatsApp
Katie Brennan ugh I’m so sorry to hear that!! Well we became very fast best friends. I guess I was friendship love bombed. She would belittle me in front of new people we’d meet. She brought a stranger into our room one night and they were hooking up (we shared an actual room- undergrad haha) and in the morning I said something like “girl that was so inconsiderate, I had to spend the night out on the couches.” And she literally denied it ever happening!! So bizarre. Then I could hear her telling our other roommates, “megan is scaring me..... she is acting so crazy....” and I ran in like “wait wait wait WHAT??” And then she said, “omg guys I think I was r*ped last night...” I was like, “omg he left like an hour ago and I heard you all night, I was literally a witness!” Then after that interaction she was just really petty. Tried to give me bed bugs at one point haha. Lots of gaslighting
Katie Brennan i went grey rock and she picked a new victim!!! And when the semester ended we never spoke again. So If you’re in a lease with a narc, I don’t have much advise on how to get out of it legally, but all I can say is grey rock is an amazing technique
@Katie Brennan me too :(
@@MegJuniper awful!!
There goes Dr. Ramani again, Giving out wisdom and dropping mics. !!
She's seems like one of those super insightful friends that you go to for good advice, hot cocoa, and a shoulder to cry on.
OMG YES!! I was friends with her for years and had no idea. We have been living together for a year and a half now and I haven't recognized her for almost a year at this point. She kept acting like she had no idea where her attitude was coming from and that she was sorry and gonna change but then the stakes just got higher and higher. And I started wondering "when's the last time she's even treated me like a friend and not a maid/parent/caretaker?" We're not really on speaking terms right now and just waiting for the lease to end at this point.
Omg I’m in the same situation god bless you hang in there!!
There are many different signs. These include spending time on phone that was not spent previously, withholding sex from you, withdrawing in communication with you, agitation or anger over Petty stuff or making up situations to get angry or agitated over, lying, being secretive in any way, randomly spending more time caring for and pampering oneself such as putting on makeup or wearing cologne or coloring hair etc. Any type of changed behavior that is not aimed at pleasing or benefiting your relationship. With all of that though, follow your gut. your gut is telling you that something isn't right and it's telling you that this could or is happening, therefore listen to it. Just Free yourself from all of it! Run and don't look back. Go 100% no contact. The mental and emotional abuse is not okay at all! Do not bring anything up to her. Don't try to rationalize or have a conversation about anything. Don't let her know that you know she's in narcissist. All of that can cause a narcissistic rage. If you have not yet witnessed one of those just trust me that you don't want to! A narcissistic rage is beyond any rage I have ever seen or witnessed in my entire life. I am an army combat veteran and served front lines for a year and afghanistan. I have abuse going back from as long as I can remember, the first time in my personal memory is 2 years old. With everything I have been involved in, and my rape, other sexual abuse, their physical abuse, etc in narcissistic rage is by far the worst! If you need to contact your local police department and start a new contact order. No one can protect you like you can! free yourself from it all and move forward in your life. The minute you run and go no contact is the minute your life begins again. If need be seek out professional help. Therapy is the best thing I did for myself. The best gift I gave to me! The abuse is so deep and overwhelming that having a professional guide you through the steps of the healing process is extremely beneficial! Just remember, there is great strength in asking for help. There is great lack and strength or no strength at all in putting on a mask and hiding behind the opinions of society and pretending that you are okay! As human beings we all witness A Time In our lives where we are not okay! Those that heal, move past, and move forward, and have a brighter future are those who ask for help and do the work that is needed through the help! I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish you the very best! Good luck! Always remember that you are stronger than you believe you are, you are worthy and deserving of better and always, and you are enough just the way you are and who you are today! Take this time for you! Get yourself again. Fix that meal that you're all time favorite, rent that movie you've been wanting to see, have a guys night out with your best friends, remodel a room in your home, go purchase that item you've been wanting to for so long, just do for yourself! Self-acceptance, self-love, and being able to forgive yourself is far more important than what anyone else can give to you! Believe in who you are! You deserve nothing less than that! You're not alone! Feel free to tag me in any other questions that you have! I'll help if I can. Additionally you can hire a cyber expert to help you get remote access to their phone so you can track them and monitor all of their activities without them knowing. You may locate the top cyber specialists locally at Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com, where you can engage a well-trained professional to assist you..........
"Friends who view you as a convenience" Exactly this. 7:23 This is a true description of my "friend" who is also my roommate at the moment. About a happy hour, sometimes those people are not even happy when you have your happy hour, they are jealous and have bad intentions. And yes, I don't have the time to spend on those kinds of people
Had a narcissist friend who told me that not every one can deal with my breakdowns while I was having a mental breakdown. Didn't speak to me for days, never asked me how I was doing, if I'm ok.
This happened to me too 😦
Were you constantly breaking down and not taking charge of your own emotion? Or it was a one time thing?
This happened to me too. I ignored her after she failed to show empathy once again she made up some big drama to engage me, when I ignored that too she discarded me for being a “bad friend”
My narcissistic friend broke up with his girlfriend because she was having a psychotic episode and was admitted to a psych hospital. He didn't want the "drama". He broke up with her while she was in there. It was the cruellest thing I've ever witnessed and was the moment I realised what he was.
@@TheLiquidCathow cruel! Specially considering there was some psychological impact he had in getting her to that point- Malignant
Had a narcissist couple friend. After 10 years of friendship, I never thought they were like that. They broke my confidence and destroyed my name. For 3 years I suffer from discouragement and I lost my trust for people. Even until now, they really left a painful scar.
Hi, they were a couple? How are you now?
I went through same. Still healing 😩❤
Me too ..and end up alone now and depressed ..but I'm healing..
You don't see the traits. You see red flags but you don't realise what's happening, until a serious event comes, like you set a boundary or you say a "no", etc. Then you start seeing the true colors.
FACTS. Saying “no” makes them RAGE. Who wants to be in any relationship where you feel like you have to walk on eggshells because a person can’t take no for an answer or WONT respect your boundaries.
I just cut ties with an extremely narcissistic friend. I didn’t realize how narcissistic she was until we’d been friends for almost 3 years. I had just gone to every pregnancy appointment with this friend, threw her a baby shower & was someone she always leaned on for support. But, when I was dealing with a serious health issue, she was completely absent. The day of my first surgery, she didn’t even text to wish me well. When I told her that hurt my feelings she said “I was busy working. Sorry you’re so sensitive” & gaslit me. The final straw for me was as when she messaged me as I lay in the hospital & stated that me discussing my illness with her her gave her “bad energy” & she needed to stay away from it to “protect her unborn baby”. 🤯🤯🤯 It was the most selfish message I’ve ever read. I walked away & never looked back. When people show you who they are, believe them. I overlooked so many red flags. On a positive note, when you leave a narcissistic friendship you don’t grieve much. You may beat yourself up for not heeding the red flags, but mostly you’ll feel RELIEF. 🙏🏼💕
She is great at explaining what a real what happens in our daily lives love this channel and I met someone like this she was my roommate first and then I thought was my friend I noticed it was always about her and had to end it she constantly complaining about her life and never cared how anyone feels so I dropped her for myself we deserve better be careful with these types of people.
I recently had a classmate like this, around 2 weeks before it was time for her to graduate we all dropped her.
Weren't you smart to have such a head's up!
@@sispeepgameI am glad you dropped her glad you found the real her am proud of you for kicking the narcissist x friend out!💪🏻
@@joseenoel8093well it’s not always easy to spot I didn’t know she was a narcissist I thought it’s just a toxic person but I researched and realize it was more then that something was off the lack of empathy caused it to fall apart plus I have autism so it can be difficult at times for myself and sadly they target people like me who are kind and forgiving and a empath so now I know better.
I find that narcissistic friends tend to be users. They also are jealous and insecure come across charismatic will flirt with your boyfriend or spouse to no end. They delight in their attempts to make you feel insecure and jealous they play mind games they deflect project and blame you they take no responsibility of their actions. I’d rather be alone than have these malignant people in my life. Once you close the door on one don’t open it up again.
💯💯💯
Yes, so when they contact their so called friend it either, breakup of new supply, or money "problem", or they want to trauma dump on you which is actually event they caused,. They are so fake
It's insane the level of peace you get when you put some space between them and yourself. After you experience that calm it's so, so hard to even tolerating going back.
Exactly everything that happened to me 5 months ago
Overcoming but never forgetting!
I travelled with a church member and found it absolutely intolerable. She was very controlling and mean even to the point of hitting me as a "joke". I dropped her cold turkey.
I experienced that this past Fall. It's especially bizarre when it happens with people of faith.
@@b52270 There are wolves among lambs and tares among wheat. We have to be careful because taking care of ourselves can be perceived as being unforgiving.. George K. Simon writes about this in the book In Sheep's Clothing
@@wendybarker5118 veryyyy true!!
@@wendybarker5118 I finally experienced this first hand a few years ago. I understand firstly what made me an ideal target, but it's been valuable in gaining an understanding of the red flags. Number One: Anyone who's high on charm and charisma is instantly flagged as suspect for NPD/ASP. Instantly. If they exhibit the first red flag and have a seeming compulsive need to always have the microphone in their hand, always need to be up the front as the centre of attention, always controlling and directing things (such as people), it's a near certainty. Sounds like a lot of pastors, right? Definitely some I know!
Red flag number two: When you find yourself doing a LOT of favours, small and large, for them. Your motivation might be that you're lonely and enjoy the company, you actually WANT to help them because it's a good excuse just to hang out. You'll be coming when they call, every time. But you never ask them for help or favours, until that time you do, and they're reluctant, they're busy, or if they do come over they just want to get it done quickly and out of the way so they can get home. That's when you know.
Red flag number three: You suffer a deep personal loss. If they're a covert narcissist, they might be there for you, but they'll inadvertently let little clues slip. It might be a small comment easily missed that betrays that they have low empathy. A small comment minimising your loss, or the depth of your grief.
It might be an early subtle sign that you noticed but overlooked, because you didn't know about NPD yet, but early on you might have seen them show in small ways that the rules don't apply to them, or there might be a sudden and strange change in their persona when it's just the two of you in the room that they snap out of suddenly when someone else enters or joins you.
It's such a pity that none of us knew anything about this until we learned the hard way. I believe that mine is the first person in my life that I've positively ID'd as an actual psychopath. There was something almost demonic about his psychological games where he put me in some very uncomfortable situations, and on one occasion on a ski trip physically endangered my life but disguised it as just a joke, and the other instances he covered over with gaslighting when I very sensitively raised a few concerns with him. I recognised the gaslighting because my memory was good- vocal tone dominance and body language made clear intent, even when the words themselves told in another context might have sounded harmless. The gaslighting was the deal breaker and I got out. I realised that I was dealing with someone who was playing cat and mouse mind games with me. The sick part is that these games escalated dramatically in the months after a devastating family loss, and I was vulnerable. There were never any third-party witnesses, it was always just him and I when these things happened. Fortunately I have a few other close friends that gave me a point of comparison and who I'd never had any cause to question or doubt their good faith. They enabled me to measure the situation with some degree of balance.
So this guy was otherwise impressive in every way, and here's the kicker: You guessed it, a respectable church member with a wonderful young family, a wife who's a very decent woman, he chose her very carefully, and some great kids. Picture perfect in every way. And every now and then I get a hoovering text from him, and sometimes he has his wife do his bidding, wishing me "God's peace". It's disturbing.
@@wattlebough Church Narcissists are the worst because when you point them out, you look like the bad guy.
Most of my friends were narcissists or narcissistic, I've just left a lot of them behind because of that. Shows me how narcissistic I myself have been too. Damn, friends really do mirror you.
The finding out how narcissistic they are while traveling is so true. I've had 2 long-term friendships end after how horrendous and unapologetic they were on a trip (where I realized how much of a prop, not a person I was to them). I need to travel with friends and partners to get real about their character faster!
Ugh that feeling you get when you realize you're like a cardboard cutout to someone, or a group of someones. Horrible feeling. You pretty much have to dissociate.
Bless you for doing this. I had friends that I became roommates with that turned out to be highly narcissistic and for the last several months they were using threats of making me homeless or harmed physically if I didn't let them dominate me and use me as their butler. The landlord was father of one of the 2 narcissistic roommate/friends. When I stood up to them I was threatened with being killed. I barred my door that night and fled the next morning and am now living in a entirely different county. Harm towards my Mom was used to keep me in fear during the last month I was there and a big part of why I stood up for myself fiercely the last night there during a harsh bullying experience. Feeling like I am starting to heal.
Sounds like a horror story. These creatures create trauma and are horrible to tackle in a virulent mob. Maybe some were alright but easily led by the master manipulator. You soon realise how easily people can be swayed to move from using to abusing then threatening murder. Sickos. Glad you escaped and can share your story.
I pray for your continued healing and recovery. You sound like a very nice person. Keep going, and God Bless you.
I'm so glad you made it out.Hang in there.you are so much stronger than you think you are.
Death threats should be taken to the police. Period.
I am so sorry to hear that
At this point I’m questioning my whole life
same
Same
Same
This has given me so much clarity. I'm the loyal type and tend to tolerate toxic friendships way too long. Thank you Dr. Ramani. I have a question. I had a "friend" who would get a huge smile on her face when I told her about something tragic in my life. Obviously, that's a red flag and I have gone no contact after several other red flags, but why would someone do that? I found it to be so creepy! 😱
Being a bit of a natural loner helps keep toxicity out. Being that-way inclined by default or spending a bit of time in your pensive, reserved shadow can reach you priceless bits about boundaries and essentially making it known that you’re not out here to be messed with or violated.
They are insecure narc and jealous of your successes. They want you to fall so in comparison they feel better themselves. Some are sadistic too
Usually things arnt going well for them and they think I'm not happy so she or he isn't going to be happy either or it could a natural reaction don't stress too much about it it's their problem it's nothing to do with you but I'd spend less time otherwise you will feel bad more or constantly question yourself
I clicked for the roommate subject and felt that was lacking in this video. I'd like to see more on this specific topic.
Uh move out. I see my narcissist friend moving in with her friend and im expecting Clash of the Titans. When her friend runs to me for help, ill explain everything. For now, im keeping my mouth shut with a bag of popcorn. 😁😁😁
Happy hour until they cross the lines into taking from you, your spouse or family. caveat emptor; choose the company you keep wisely, you will be judged by the company you keep.
Birds of a feather works too!
As a possible schizotypal I don't have any friends. I was friends with Adrian for 20 years until he died in 1997.
Facts!
Right. And personally, although they might “enliven“ a party, it’s the same thing. By including them , you are giving tacit approval of their character. Then you watch them get close to and screw over your real friends or family and you try to warn them but it’s too late, because if you tell the truth about them, and your friends and family ask “then why are you friends with them?” It’s comes off as pretty superficial to say “Well, sometimes narcissists enliven a party.”
Wow, everything you said was applicable to me. When I was in college, I was very shy and made friends with a group of girls who seemed "fun" and "cool." We became roommates and that's when our friendships got hard. I'm no longer friends with them. It took years for me to realize their friendship was not worth it.
Just went through the whole lovebombing and discard cycle literally within a few months of 'friendship'. There was no devaluation, just skipping to the ghosting discard just because I set a boundary and disagreed about something
This sounds like how Shannen Doherty and Holly Marie Combs stopped being friends when Doherty was battling cancer. Some of her friends didn’t want to be there for her when she needed them. Doherty said cancer helped her clean house.
Woooooow! Never knew that!
Good for Shannon! I hope she has found genuine friends which are very hard to come by but when you find them you realize you have found a treasure. 💙
:O > Me too! > I had a few years of extremely scarey health and discovered I'd surrounded myself with takers. Took 2 mini strokes at the end > the last was 5 years ago for me to SEE and then ACCEPT that I was surrounded by narcissistic users / abusers > because Prior to my serious health crap > I was Always there > Always available for them for them.
Sometimes I feel .. low on myself for not Seeing it before .. but I think that is also common of co=dependents. People pleasers .. putting others first. :( I Still have a time putting me ahead of anyone else . However > It is easier now that I'm alone.
@@scarlettclark9764 I hope the same for her. Trouble is > as one whose been bit too many times myself .. finding / trusting new friends .. comes with a form of emotional ptsd for me. I'm too old now .. and just don't trust ..
Wish I'd found these vids 40 years ago! am over 60 now .. and tired
To be honest, it does sound traumatic to put a lot of time and effort to get closer to, and to assist someone, just to watch them deteriorate and die. That one is tough. Especially if that friend has already lost a parent or spouse to cancer. With family, maybe it's 'no questions asked'. With a friendship, there's going to be more soul searching.
She is right. When a friend brings something to you, you are not as guarded. This happened to me recently.
I find it more difficult to have shallow relationships in a way, at times I'd be better off not speaking to that person/s at all and just be alone.. rather than be with this person/s and feel lonely.
exactly! i'd rather just part ways
She's GOOOOOOOD!
and
He's a great interviewer!
She made the info fun to listen to (and not a *total* drag like all the other experts on TH-cam) and he knew to ask appropriate questions and let her do most of the talking. Bravo!
KEA agree! So true. Great interviewer & Dr ramani is always so articulate and engaging.
She hit the nail on the head. Im now roommates with one of my good friends. I always thought he was a bit self centered, but living together is a new level lol. At first i was annoyed, but now its like i have low expectations and just pick what to share.
I try to be supportive of my friend. She tries so hard to be better which is great. I am realistic as much supportive. I am mindful of doing that. But I’ve been in a bad spot. And she makes comments about people who have hard times like me and these comments are offensive. She says “idk understand people who won’t do this” or “I hate people who can’t get through this “ and I’m like “that’s me”. It’s happened so many times I can’t help but think she thinks the same of me
The exact same thing happened to me, he would make similar comments about people who were having hard times in their lives that felt indirectly aimed at me and would even go as far to make the similar indirect offensive comments about my appearance.
Fuck them! Dump them! Raise your self worth! We all deserve better!
Had to let go of one of my closest friends because he was a narcissist. I have a narcissistic mother and once I realized he was narcissist as well I couldn't keep him in my life. It was a hard decision but it was best for me. He became more and more toxic over the past year and it was hard for me to face but finally did when we traveled together on a trip. Much more peace of mind now even though it was hard to end.
Once you know what you’re dealing with yes they can be fun, especially when they don’t know you know he he
Kelli R. Morris I was raised by narcs had narc friends but never knew why I always felt I wasn’t good enough then I had two full blown narc relationships, I was on the verge of suicide twice and I have a son.
It is brought on by trauma, the same trauma that I went through as a child, I don’t know why some people are strong enough to know it’s wrong and become empaths and some are even worse than narcs, sociopaths etc
I have to find the humour I’m it as I’ve only just healed after 43 years of abuse in every shape way and form from narcs.
It saddens me that a lot of people never heal, but I have learned to not try and fix anymore and haven’t had a relationship since, I’m not lonely but I’m not completely against the idea when my son is an adult, he has had to see me go to hell and back twice and I have promised him that he won’t have to live with any other partner of mine......
Why have you left me those details?
Kelli R. Morris ah I see, thanks for that but I don’t have anyone I need to track, I’d certainly never get myself involved in more than an aquatintist relationship with a narcissist, I don’t seem to attract them anymore, it’s like they know I “see” them
I agree and disagree. I only disagree because i didnt want to believe what I thought I was seeing/feeling. Devistated! Again! By a "nearest dearest" of over 20 years. Im glad I know. sooner than later.
@@victoriadorgu3207, i personally am over people trying to make excuses. Its demons ya say, yeah thats right, THEY ARE DEMONS then. I understand wanting to make your head and your heart try to understand and cope with something youll never be able to understand. Sorry, but these are shitty people who do shitty things and do not care who they shit on! Its caused by many things, possession of spawn of satan i dont believe is one. Fact is they know what they do, they know its shitty or wrong, they do not care! Snd that is a CHOICE, just as you choose to continue to care about a person who is shitty to you. Im in no way shaming you, ive been married to one for going on 16 years, been gone going on 2 and my life has been sabotaged and devistaed. Because I chose to continue to have hope and faith that this human being would have airal awakening and grow a conscious. Big mistake on my part. For what ever reason those of us who find our selves living in this hell, cant read about, be told about, watned about, etc its like we have to stick around and go through the course. Its painful. Its mind boggling and thats just 2 of a very long list of negatives.
Christy McKee that’s awful 😢 I had to get out both times as I was in such a whirlwind of paranoia and self loathing I felt like I wanted to die.....
Probably because I was brought up in a family of narcs too.
I had to be pushed to the very brink of sanity to heal and learn.
It should be against the law, it’s not just emotional abuse it’s on a whole other level, no one can understand unless they have been there ❤️
She makes a good point. In fact, in Second Brain Psychology a lot of focus is placed on friendships because of the potential for insidiously harmful interactions that can go undetected due to a lack of awareness.
I came to know that I have a close friend who is narc as I had some adult milestones recently. On the flip side, this friend has had some rough circumstances, in which i tried to support them through. For years there had been a silent competition that I wasn't really aware of. Once I realized it, I stopped sharing good news or triggering it. There's always criticism of good or bad that I share. I've been on eggshells with this person and have been drained emotionally. Traveling with this person has been crazy. Once I realized the source, I have been (unknowingly at first) employing the gray rock method. The friendship is dramatically different than when we first met. I'm pretty much at peace. Good topic. Thanks!
Can you tell me more about this?
@@jennstv2704 the grey rock method?
Your comment caught my attention cuz I had a close friend for 10yrs which is exactly like this. Grey rock is better than no contact?
OMG, the silent competitive comment, about which you were unaware, really rang a bell with me. I have lived that. It is no bueno.
I have had a friend for 36 years. We're both doing well and doing good things, but boy oh boy! She is so superficial now, right down to this snotty upperclass twit accent she's adopted to make herself seem more superior. It's a complete cringe fest. She's been looking down on me for quite a while. Resented me when my project was successful, has sly digs when we're in company and basically talks to me like I'm dumb. If I can't do something for her because I'm busy, she explodes and I'm the worst friend ever, throwing a ton of emotional abuse at me. She always views what I say with suspicion, as if I'm lying so as to avoid what's really happening. It's all so strange, because we had a really strong friendship for so many years and it's hard to explain how she is now. I feel like a doormat sometimes. She may have surrounded herself with far too many 'yes' people who know her via her position and can't understand why I would say 'no' or 'I'm busy'. I think our friendship has run its course after all these years. She's a good person, just not so much to me anymore. She doesn't seem to have friends, more like people who are beneficial to her in some way. If I can't drop everything at her every whim, I'm not a beneficial friend. It's very sad, but she's turned into a narcissist and I can't deal with it anymore.
As someone who gets socially drained very quickly and loves getting lost in studies and work and in never having time, I have very few friends, but they are all amazing.
"Where a lot narcissistic friendships become unearthed are when you travel with them"..
Me, who recently realized my bff was a narc after a shared trip where things got claustrophobic and I literally got on a plane to leave her: 👀
“I don’t do the listening thing” this hits home soooo hard!
I got really sick and had a few family members pass, I found out who my friends are 😢
Sending love 🙏💝
Violet Moon 🙏
Tamara Young I am a single, I want to be a friend in WhatsApp
Good advice for work too - don't give too much away until you know who is a narc.
Yes right about now!! Exactly this is happening. It's a different type of grief. Here it goes: The death of a parent, I'm there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Break up of their marriage, I'm there. Blaming their kids to have traits like their ex, I'm there. Baby sitting their kids, I'm there. Now an affair gone bad with a married person who is still married??? I ran soooo fast they don't know I've left. Peace to those recovering from finding out the hard way!!!
plenty of self-absorbed, narcissists around, doing tons of damage to tons of people. I know. I have some in my life. Given me endless misery.
The superficial fun thing is exactly what I’ve been going through for years with certain friends. Everything is superficial until life gets personal and the person is around you allot more often then that is when you start to see who the person is and they can’t handle what’s going on in your life
Yes it like they want life to just be like movie reel highlights moments. But when it not a fun highlights they discard you. Also, when they bored they make up drama for giggles. That they started drama
Sometimes I think they see themselves in a movie and they main character and have fake audience in their head clapping for them whenever they do something they think is badass, or wow factor.
@@FarieSag this is actually factual. I agree with everything you are saying. It’s wild! They are living in a movie. The movie is all about them and themselves. In their mind eventually the fake audiences no longer clap for them because in reality they can’t win everytime. Whenever they feel that audience is no longer clapping they blame you for it.
@@FarieSag everyone is an object to them. Including their family members. They love no one. Everyone is a tool. And when they have no need for the tool anymore they disregard them. A few of my narcissistic friends and lovers tried coming back into my life. And each time they tried I blocked them and stood on business.
She's a genius! I'm dealing with someone like this right now, unfortunately I can't get away from her, but at least now I'm aware. Thank you Doctor Ramani.
3:17 Checkmate, yup absolutely, theres the 180!
Cut off some of old good friends due to this...and quite of few on the way being friends....cut contact not feeling guilt at all, and still being civil and friendly when meet in public...
*I feel the same .. there is 1 n. '''friend'''who I am civil to but she Boils when she sees me .. I think she is typical of the narcissist who canNOT accept anyone leaving them. Nasty
What if my friend keeps doing extremely nice things for me (as in goes through a lot to help me), but then other days she puts me down and wants to prove she's better than me? wtf is that lol
Had a friend like that too. A year ago I blocked her and never spoke to her again and my life is so much better!
That is a narcissist. She's doing nice things for you so that she can make herself look good. She wants you to be good but not better than her. She's basically playing with your emotions. Run girl run.
she’s doing nice things for you so later one when y’all are in a rocky situation she will bring up all the nice things she did for you then say ur ungrateful and try to make u look like the bad person... typical narc behavior. all these nice deeds is a mask.
i’m experiencing the same thing. what kind of narcissist is this? bc it doesn’t really fit into any of the types it seems to me
Leave, they are the worse types
had a narc friend for over 10 yrs- she ruined my life
And that's their goal. But don't allow yourself to stay stuck in defeat. Work on creating a new life for yourself. Your a little wiser because of this experience. You even being in this comment section shows, your looking for answers and are willing to heal. Never give up on making a new start. ( and I'm speaking to myself as well) I wish you the very best!
Barbara Banks not easy when she has the world on her side but I'm trying
Pray for God to make it right
hey, you need to know that eventually Karma will get them , just believe it and it will happen , I saw it by myself.
This is such important information. There are people in our lives, that for years can have caused such havoc, esp to those who have endured an abusive childhood, to keep us down and disempowered as well as other awful things. I am grateful for the clear and concise information that you bring forth here, and Dr. Ramani's explanations are incredibly helpful in spotting the narcissists in our lives. Personally, I'm in trouble right now, with one, thank you for the assistance.
The friend telling you he doesn’t want to be friends anymore is brutal honesty, has both ppl in mind, is actually sincere, that is a character trait/not flaw… is shallow/but nothing wrong
Yes! I was in the depths of dispear, depression and was on my way out to be with my daughter. My gorgeous 39 year old daughter took her life. The narcissist friend rung me. I hardly had energy. She said I sounded down. (Really!) She said "What you need to do is to do more affirmations." FFS who says that. Our relationship changed of course that day. She knows something has changed, she doesn't get invited to my home. I have to keep her at arms length as we are (No surprises) in a Band and partners of band and friends.
I just went no contact with someone after collecting red flags I thought were pink or something. Screaming at me on the phone was the last straw. An online friend I knew for 3 months telling me to stop taking my psych meds, encouraging me to drink, taking hours of time a day or getting upset, asking for money, yelling at me for literally no reason I really bit my tongue a lot. Today I couldn’t do it anymore. Why do I still feel like such an asshole? I always end up feeling like the asshole and blaming myself. I’m so tired of this. 😩
Because that is what they want you to think. But know what ever they said, isn't true. Their to blame for their behavior. Not you.
This has made me realize 90% of the people in my life are narcissistic. I am a huge empath, and I would, and have, helped literal strangers. No one has been here for me. I am really trying to find a way to heal 😑
I fully get this
The fact you have a soul an emotional capacity and the ability to live and care ……. Don’t dare feel like you got the shady deck of cards . You are a good person and because ur used to being around narcs u think no one else exists…… CBT isnot a cure but it’s a form of kind of therapy that tries to retrain your brain to have healthy boundaries not to feel guilty for keeping urself emotionally healthy . I am you I exhaust myself “helping” others to my detriment it exhausts me but I feel guilty if I don’t help others but I’m learning it’s manipulative behaviour from most likely people who know our compassion and would swim an ocean for people who wouldn’t jump a puddle . Please don’t feel alone there are so many people like you with the same mindset and values. If you start to steer away from narcissism videos and search narcissism recovery Complex ptsd recovery and read other people’s comms you will see thousands of people who have been suffering the same way you have . Now is the time to work on you and learn healthy boundaries that saying NO isn’t bad it’s just that you value yourself and your own body and mental health more than someone else’s . Imagine you have a son or daughter (maybe you have) and you sat and watched them giving every ounce of themselves to others and neglecting themselves that’s unhealthy looking and watching that from the outside right ? You would want to wake them up and be like “ ehhhh you are number 1 you come first before you give out to others “ that child is you forgive urself for the things you didn’t know or understand but now you do we also need to take responsibility for the fact we have allowed ourselves to be treated that way and we need to establish healthy boundaries and protect our well-being without dragging that anchor of guilt around your neck ……. You are worth so much more than u tell yourself I believe in you and your future sending love and positive energy😊hugs Sass ❤
I had a best friend during eight years and another one during five years. Both of them lacked empathy, disrespected me, and even betrayed me. I even suspect one of them to be a psychopath. I’ve been through abuse and bullying and none of them stood up for myself and defended me. I remember their insults, their actions and disrespectful behavior. I’m glad I cut them off from my life.
I recently had the experience of being shut down by whom I consider a true friend when I started talking about my depressive state of mind, which I was then going through. She shut me down multiple times by saying something along the lines of “Oh, don’t bring my mood down with this talk.” And then started talking about the weather in her city. It was so absurd I felt like laughing to her face.
Best sign ever. I can't even get out of this kind of female relationship. I don't text or call her anymore, but she accuses me of not texting her (without questioning why). How do I end a friendship like this? Please, can you comment if you come across this?
Block them? And/or say straight up you feel drained by the friendship and have to take time for yourself (or just say that last part). They might give up after that or if they explode, then that's definitely your sign to block them. That's just my opinion and what I would do.
I'm in a similiar situation, but feel like I can't do what you're trying to do, because then I probably would lose my other friend too. I guess we'll see how that goes.
I knew the moment i saw this person have no empathy for a person they hurt really badly. This person was crying, bearing their soul and the narcissist was completely unaffected by it.
😮😮😮😮 and I never knew I had a narcissistic friend for yearsssss. This video really shined light on the behavior. We used to be on the phone for hours just talking about her situations, I couldn’t get a word in. I’m thinking I’m being a friend/listening ear butttt I was being used. She never wanted my input just me to listen and not say nothing. Never wanted to discuss my situations. She even started asking me for favors for someone else😩😩😩
Thank you for your 'energy' Dr. Ramani!
So true. Told my bestie of 5 years I was going through something hard and she straight up avoided me for about 8 days... It suddenly dawned on me that I was putting in all the effort in our friendship and every time I needed something she disappeared. To reemerged when she needed her pc fixed, an idea for art or money. Then like all narcissist, she refused to admit she wasn't acting properly and even say sorry, or that she would try to do better. She blamed me!!! Claiming I don't understand and that she was perfect and did everything she could to be a good friend. That I'm not telling her what I want. I said any effort!!! She continues to say "I forgot your birthday or would get you something." Guys, it's 4 days before hers and she used to know it. When I asked her what she ever did for me, there was silence. So I said, yep, so I will put in as much effort as you are, and say bye bye.
Dr. Ramani can you please do a video on how you reached this level of clarity of thoughts. Knowing what is right is one thing, but being able to put it out with a confidence that empowers the people around you, how did you achieve this strength of character. It’d really inspire and help a lot of us If you enlighten us with your take on coming back from damage stronger.
I recently ended a friendship with someone who was a narcissist. Thankfully I was only with them for a year and a half. What did it for me was I got sick with bronchitis and then another friend of mine had a health crisis and I was taking care of their personal affairs. He became an even bigger jerk when these events happened. Didn't want to hear about it and was bragging about how great his life was. I knew enough not to get angry with him and basically texted him one morning and said I needed time alone. All he said was ok & I was done. I can't tell you the weight off my shoulders as soon as I told him that. It was such a relief not having to deal with his bs-constantly sending me pics of his life wanting me to respond and say how great everything was with him.
My high school friend changed into narcissist when we started attending nursing school and became roommates! She used to give me the silent treatment and eventually said she wanted to end the friendship and I simply said yep! I've moved on and glad she's not a part of my life anymore...
God bless you
You can’t “change into a narcissist” it’s a personality disorder. She just didn’t show her true colors right away lady..
I love that you highlighted the difference between a narcissist & a malignant narcissist.
Some people may dismiss the behavior of a narcissistic person in their life because they compare to it to the behavior or trauma they experienced from another more malignant narcissist.
Basically "Well they hurt me, but they can't be that bad because they're nothing in compare to that reallllyy bad narcissist I once knew. I'm probably overreacting & there must be something wrong with the way I'm perceiving these disrespected boundaries. There's totally no waay I'm just a codependent who attracts narcissists like flies to honey, with some just being less worse than others." 😭
Dr. Ramani: “You can always keep a few narcissistic friends up on the top shelf there, they’re sort of fun to have at parties, you know they definitely keep the conversation lively and grandiose, you just need to remember to put them back in the cupboard when you’re done!”
Both very funny and so to the point... To expect anything more than superficiality and entertainment from narcissists, and you are aiming to get your heart, and soul, crushed beyond recognition. I’ve been there, not a pleasant experience. We can easily get pulled in with their charm and wit, but their bite is not worth the cost of admission into their lives, again, other than casual acquaintance perhaps.
I am currently going through a hard time with my narcissistic husband after the cheating and his manipulation....the only friend i could think of was my long time friend...he listened, gave a shoulder to lean on, and showed me that she's the perfect one.i now had somewhere to lean on...my goodness! She withdrew everything when i was comfortable and sarcastically started pointing all my weakness...whats that if not live boming, withdrawal of affection and gaslighting?
I lost friends when they found out I don't drink, I hate the taste. Always have.
Yup had a friend for years that I would help out with working on there vehicle and visit often. After hangout for a few hours I headed home and had a flat tire 20 miles away called and asked if they had a jack and could help since my dad was already asleep and had to wake up early the next morning. (This happened at 11pm) They said it was too far and too late and to call my dad.
Woke up my dad who was groggy but STILL came out and helped messing up his sleep. No longer talk to that narcissist
I hope its ok if i share five warning signs for everyone that is dealing with a narcissistic friend. 1) All (or a large majority) of their previous romantic relationships & friendships ended badly. The narc can never take responsibility for why these relationships ended. 2)They keep several of their past bfs on speed dial and only contact them when they are high and/or lonely. 3) The narc ghosts you for weeks, and then uses some drama in their life to excuse this absence. They literally go from love bombing you and sending you messages each day to not contacting you for several weeks. Almost always happens after you try to set boundaries or you have problems that you wish to discuss with the narc. 4) They NEVER use the word SORRY! 5) When you finally, after several months, share with them a horrible story of what happened to you on a night out with them (i was raped by a guy who she and her then bf introduced me too), her only response is "it makes me feel really uncomfortable that you bring up something that happened almost a year ago"
I am so sorry this happened 😢. I've been set up with a bad situation before and now I am super careful. May you feel peace and comfort in the Lord.
I went no contact with my narc sister. A year later i find out she made contact with my friend. I found out by chance, my friend lied saying oh yeah she called and left a message but i never talked to her. My sister has always been jealous and has tried to destroy me. My friend knows all this. I just found out she moved in with my friends brother months ago. When i confronted her about it she claimed she didn't know and stopped the conversation there.
My suster is toxic, aging and losing control. She actually had our brother wrongfully arrested recently. Im perfectly comfortable being alone with myself .
I dont know if my former friend/roommate was a narcissist but she was definitely a frenemy. Sees me sewing or baking "nicole, you're such a young old lady".... uhm okay? F that girl, was never so happy to get someone out of my house.
My narsasistic roommate, whom lives in my house rent free because I helped her leave an abusive relationship, doesnt clean up after herself, hides all of her groceries in her room, and then uses all of my groceries. Let's her 4 year old push and talk down on my toddler. Will lock her kids out of the room while they run free in my house so I have to watch them. Refuses to turn in her application for her own apartment, and then complains to my mom that she doesn't feel welcomed.
@@Mirandawful Awful
@@Mirandawful I hope you have learned your lesson 🙂 by now. You need to get rid of them!!! 🤯 what is your update in your situation? Hope all is well with you by now 🙏
@@angelinaalarcon132 she tried to start drama with my mom and me , talking a bunch of mess that wasn't true and my husband finally just had it and just kicked her out . She was gone the same day.
@@Mirandawful I am so happy 😊 for you. You can't reason with these people especially when they start a web of lies. Dr. Ramani has her own "You Tube Channel" it is amazing.. i have learned a lot from her. Another good "you tube channel" about narcisims and toxic people is by "Lisa A. Romano" these toxic people use gaslighting to confuse 😐 you and turn things against you. May God and the universe protect you and bring you peace 🙏
This is the absolute TRUTH.
I had a narcissist parent and just thought that was how I was supposed to be treated because I had never truly known what it was like to be treated well by someone else. My first sign my friend was a narc was when my dog was dying and she said she was bored and went to the bar. I buried my dog the following week and she didn't respond.
Me too. After being abused my demons all my life, i thought being a doormat was my role in life. Crazy
Run run run as fast as you can from this selfish uncaring person or accept and understand they will NEVER be there, anywhere for you!
Yes I have decided to stop answering the phone to her now, my life will never be as good as it should be with her and her invalidating remarks, thanks for your help 🌈
I have lost a few narcissistic friends, one of whom was continuously texting and then asked my husband out to a movie with her. Um nope!! She lives just down the street and we have not spoken in nearly a year.