I recently left a 60 year friendship. (I am 80.) During covid, I was in the hospital for three weeks and a rehab facility for three weeks. It was a very serious situation and I could have easily passed away. Afterwards, this friend said I did it all "for attention." That was the last straw in this friendship and I let it go. 👍
@joyceconolly, I can relate to this. First of all, I really feel sorry for you, hope you have recovered from COVID. I had a childhood friend, we were very close for nearly 50 years. We became best friends on the first day of kindergarten. Growing up, I was born & raised in a rich family and my friend was very poor, she was raised by a single mother. I always gave importance to humility and kindness. We were best friends, when she couldn't go on school trips, because they didn't had money, I used to pay for her trips too . If for some reason, she couldn't go , then I would stay back with her at school because she couldn't afford to go( even though I could afford). I always valued our friendship more than my own happiness. 25 years later, she got married to a rich software engineer and she went to America. I got married to a man from middle class and we moved to Newzealand. We had hard life and struggles in a new country. Anyway, my friend & I still kept in contact with each other. Infact I was very happy that she is quite well off since she has struggles during childhood. Every now & then, she would boast & show off her wealth and how rich she is now. She even mentioned to me that how everyone's life changes and how she is rich and I'm not. It still didn't bother me. But during COVID & "black lives matter" I was very sad that how one man lost his life by a police officer in America. She didn't care & said that there is no racism & she didn't show any sympathy towards that incident. That's it, it was a very difficult decision, but I completely went no contact with her & left friendship after 50 years. 😢
Wow! I have two friends. One, who is very matter of fact, not a warm person, however she allowed me her home and house help when I had crazy post Covid issues. This support was always offered earlier when I needed it the most.. Second friend offered a lot of advice, a lot of attention from far away, but more for her own attention seeking behaviour. Both these friends were in my life for over 25 years. I let go of the second friend..who gives attention to get way more attention in return!
Have you ever faced constant Rejection? In every aspect of your life? If not, I hope you never have to! It hurts like hell. I know this probably came from out if no where; but it's all I am use to! I do believe in GOD! It's so PAINFUL
@@aquiliaringwood6532 Yes I have...it started in high school and continued from there. I know how you feel, but you have found the one that can deliver you from it...God. He is my rock and I turn to him each day, he is my only strength, but he is enough...
It’s called conversational narcissist. For whatever reason I attract these but quickly move away. There’s a difference in being a kind and listening friend but when you’re the ONLY one listening and never talking all the time…you are their “dump” it’s not friendship.Relationships should have some reciprocation. Does it energize you or deplete you?
I get it. They do talk about themselves. You know what I used to do I would put my phone down and I would let them talk and talk. And then when she would say you know what I mean? I would just go AHA and then keep going about my business as if I'm listening. But I'm not listening cause I'm doing other things in the background. Sometimes I would tell her hold on a minute. I got another call. She didn't even hear me. She kept talking so I just went to the other call and talked to them. And when I was done, i'd flip back to the other phone call and she'd still be talking. Like I never left so I get it. Yeah, try just putting the phone down and letting them yak and yak. While you get your stuff done. And then when they say you know or you know what I mean, you just say. Ha ha, and then just keep going. Not that that's nice, but sometimes you know.
I let go of friendships when the other person is disrespectful, one sided or toxic. It’s so hard but not everyone deserves space in your life. Life is too hard for crappy friends
Beware. We can become our own bummer. I feel this is why we have social nature.(To balance out the ego. The thing is great for breathing fire into a cool idea; but left unchecked, it can go "Kazinski"(Unabomber) on an isolated self.) My you always have a good one on your 6.🖖🙂
i don't know about that in regards to friends. Learning to set and maintain boundaries has left me feeling very alone for a long time. It sucks, and isn't healthy to be almost completely alone.
I agree with you it's better to be alone. Then to go through people not accepting you as is. I did have a really good friend & now she is gone. So I decided it was better that I was alone.
This presenter just says a lot of word salad....I'm not hearing anything of value. She needs to get right to the point instead of all the promoting and keeping us wondering what the point is🙂
This is why I am ending a friendship. My previous friend swears and rants at me and blames me all the time when she is angry or if I disagree with her. I told her I was taking a social media break from her and we could try again in the new year and it led to more swearing and accusing me of trying to trigger her rejection sensitive dysphoria. :/ (Whereas I have an anxiety disorder and this relationship is really negatively impacting me. Hence why I stepped back.)
Ì find most people just talk about themselves for hours on end, with very little interest in you or others. This is especially true for women, and also quite a lot of men too. As a woman over 30 I've decided to have less friendship with women unfortunately
@@bluelotus9654agreed… I’ve noticed this as well and, in fact, I’ve probably been guilty of this. I’m consciously trying not to do that any more. But my main experience has been how putting up with disrespect tears down your dignity as well as self-respect.
I recently had a friend dump me, and one of her issues was that my work team won an award this year. Her team wasn’t nominated this time around. Rather than be happy for me, she said to me, “It’s great that your team win and all, but I think my team should have won.” (By the way, I was on her team previously, and we’d already won an award a couple years prior.)
@@XDominiqueXFranconX Believe me, you didnt lose anything. That woman actually did you a favor. Women like this are very common unfortunately. Congratulations on the award! Im sure you earned and deserved it :)
Wow, that’s crazy. I thought I’d see more of my best friend when I retired early at 50 with my wife. Instead he quickly started to decline invitations and his new girl, who I had spoken to many times and knew I was retired, kept conveniently forgetting that detail. Once part of my family, he now gravitates to people in the same boat as he is. He’s got two maters and a BS but he still can’t figure out how this guy beat him to the finish line. I spend 6 months of the year in Thailand where we have a second home. He’s never come to visit us and didn’t come to Vegas to celebrate my retirement. He’s in AZ, never left home. I think I present too much of a mirror for him. Life’s a trip.
In my experience I’ve drawn away from certain friends who: -began ghosting me -don’t invite me to their special -gatherings or weddings, make excuses about not having time to talk to me but have a lot of time to converse with others -Never compliment on accomplishments
I get mad when the only time I’m invited is when it’s ONLY for special occasions. I realized too late that the only time a friend would invite me is when it involved bringing a gift.
The way someone treats their friends has to be a reflection of their values, their upbringing. Just know that there's absolutely times when it's not you - it's them.
A major sign I experienced several times: Pay attention to how the friends of your friend (that you don’t share) treat you. How has your friend portrayed you to them, how do they treat you based on that. Do they belittle you in front of your friend, does your friend not find that a problem? My friend gossiped about me to her friends, they then felt comfortable based on her behavior to then bully me with that info. I realized there was no respect between us. Heartbreaking to realize when it’s a long term friendship.
Yeah, that feeling of betrayal is the worst. The problem is most people are “sleep walking” through life, unaware of the words and actions have on others. Learned bad behavior. And then you are face with the old dilemma of “authenticity vs connection”. Call the person out, set boundaries, hope they change, risk losing them…keep taking the abuse, internalize, make yourself sick…or…walk away. The 3rd option is what the majority of people do, with good reason. Edit: This person (group) are use to ripping through connections. You will most likely not be missed, as they move on to others that work for them (temporarily). It’s how unaware they are.
Very true. All of my friends. . certainly those who were long term close friends were always respectful n tried to be friendly n inclusive with any new friend I might have on occasion when I introduced them or they were in same company. They're other friends were similar as I was. I do recall a time where I had a reasonably new friend from work n when my best friend was visiting from Chicago, the newer friend was not really making any effort to get to know or be friendly with my best friend n we were both going out of our way to make her feel comfortable. I knew the this would be a casual friendship that dies out in few months n it did.
When you’ve been continually gaslit as a child, it’s extremely hard to know what to think. You don’t want to be abused but you don’t want to be excessively paranoid either. 😢
Yes. I’ve just ended a friendship with someone I really liked. I started to see she really did not care about me, lied a lot and was severely entitled.
I USED to think that having a lot of friends meant that you are such a great person (qualification). As I got older, I realized that this is not true at all. Today, I realize that I have NO quality friends and am very ok with that.
The hard truth is that friendship is not all it's cracked up to be. After a lot of painful disappointment because of my expectations and the short comings of others, I finally recognize that what I wanted doesn't exist - at least, as far as I know. I don't need 'friends' anymore. Coming to this recognition was enormously freeing. I'm whole and never get lonely - being alone is blissful. I'm happy and grateful that I've finally discovered this way of living,
I so get that. I'm the same. I realised some time ago that most of my so called friends were really not so at all. They were just acqaintances and I was so damaged from my childhoo I couldn't recognise a true friend if they had bitten my backside. So those I had thought of as close friends were just someone to reminisce with or hang out with occasionally for social events. One person who had supported me was actually using me to prop up himself - he was narcissistic - and happy when things didn't go right for me than when they did unless he had a major hand in it. It wasn't long before I realised I was his source of supply, until I wasn't. Then he discarded me. I have given up expecting anything good to come from flawed, sinful human beings. I now expect nothing and so have no right to be disappointed anymore. I am not even sad or upset, just numb mostly - poker faced in the face of hurtful actions. Every good thing is a bonus not an entitlement or even an expectation. Expect nothing you could be pleasantly surprised or else you just receive the nothing you had expected anyway and prepared for, but if you do expect something or a lot then you are very likely going to be disappointed or even hurt. Why give others that power over you?
@@PotterSpurn1 @kathleenlauren As long as I've got my husband, my books and my cat, I'm good, don't need anyone else. There's a lot of selfish f**kers out there, I'm just done with 'em all. Just means there won't be much of a welcome committee when I get to the pearly gates lol. xxx
I gave up with friends almost 20 years ago. The disrespect is the worst of it. I'm pretty much where you are I don't need friends and tbh I don't want them.
@@RS54321thats what Im dealing with rn. I am getting Burnt out dealing with this woman who is a severe alcoholic and clinger on. I have trouble saying no and she doesnt respect my boundaries. Her family know she drinks but they turn a blind eye, I feel both disgust and pity but I have to keep my distance.
5.44. Becomes one sided 8.50 using your insecurities against you 11.10. They dump on you alot 15.29. They don’t support you and compete with you 20.19 they are unreliable 22.19. They can’t handle honesty 28.38. You don’t feel good about yourself around this person
They also keep a list of transgressions that they've not discussed with you or cleared the air about, until they are being defensive and WILL say there have been four separate times you have made me feel uncomfortable. But won't discuss it. Which I see as withholding.
@@RS54321 What if they've been going through a really rough time for 30 years and when you also had similar rough times (mental health issues) and recovered and keep pointing them to what helped you but they never do the work and have no insight and think they already know everything because they read and know it intellectually but never put anything into practice? And say things like "You are doing so well, you should be really proud if yourself, but I am just wondering when the other shoe will fall?" She said that when I got myself together and bought a house. I have known her since highschool, she really hasn't changed. I am not even the same person and don't even remember the good times together that fondly. I've always felt irritated, she is like looking into a mirror of all the previous bad traits exaggerated that I have overcome with self work. I feel I should help her but she just wants to say how everything sucks but not do anything. I think the psychiatric meds make her not see clearly. I woke up once I got off of antidepressants and mood stabilizers. But I have to let go. I feel horrible for days after interacting and can't quite put my finger on why and keep hoping I'm strong enough to not be affected. I keep testing the water. My partner has now told me to let go because he sees the affect she has on me. But I don't have any other close female friends and she really doesn't have other friends that are close. Its difficult to be healthily selfish
@@RS54321hmm well what if they are using you to enable their behavior? Like want you to help them keep their drinking secret? Or steal stuff while theyre with you?
I came to realise that part of the problem with my adult friendships was me. I’ve always been a bleeding heart so seem to attract friends who constantly pour out their troubles to me to the point where I’m nothing more than an agony aunt because my personal life is pretty content so I didn’t have dramas to share. I reluctantly dropped a 25 year friendship when I realised that she was addicted to being the victim but never took advice , just complained about the same stuff for years. It became too exhausting.
Sometimes you have to accept that you are giving bad advice, that you are offering up something that they’ve tried already, that everyone has offered up as advice and it just gets irritating to get the same ineffectual advice over and over again. It might actually insult their intelligence. And could you be gaslighting them with your advice, telling them victims don’t exist that they are to blame for being a victim. That’s a really good and toxic one sure to keep a person punishing themselves for years. Some people get trapped in victim cycling, are constantly abused by certain types of people who take pleasure in taking advantage of certain kinds of people - very common these days - and in all that delegitimizing the victim just need affirmation, not advice, just someone to stand up for them and bring them back to who they are.
You described my daughter-in-law exactly. I'm sure I seem to be a terrible mother-in-law because years ago I urged her to change her diet and life style: for years she drank soda instead of water (maybe she still does) and for as long as I've known her she slept days and up nights. She now has stage 4 breast cancer. I pray she survives the cancer and gets the best advice from her doctors. According to my research just the sodas or just the sleep habit can cause breast cancer to grow. I feel so sad for her.
I ended all of my friendships by walking away- especially from the narcissistic, untrustworthy women in my family, my mother and two sisters. I should have left sooner- it was extremely difficult to be alone at my age (i'm 63 now and I left almost 10 years ago), but the space between me and those emotional vampires (and all the mean girl friends I seemed to always be drawn to) has given me an inner peace that I've never known. I get lonely, but at least I don't feel like killing myself all the time. Thank you for this video. I need all the backup support I can get!
I'm 67 and recently ended all but one friendship. I don't know if I'll make new friends or not. In the meanwhile, I feel surprisingly liberated. No more drama. No more long winded conversations about their endless problems. No more "misunderstandings" (they don't actually want to understand). I feel a new sense of possibility. Sometimes friendships can become toxic and you just have to walk away to have peace in your life. I didn't exit with any drama, just said I needed to take some time for myself and stopped taking their calls.
I ended two friendships on Sunday, the two friends I had left. They both dumped all their emotional crap on me after my cat died the week before, I am going to be much better off without them, and no one in my life apart from my two remaining cats. My ex friends are both French. They talk too much and are extremely self-centered.
I get it both my mother and my ex-husband were narcissistic. I never knew there was actually a name for this mental disorder or that I was their main target. Now that they're both distance from me my mother passed away and of course my ex-husband is I don't know where I'm having a tough time figuring out who I am and I'm almost afraid to have any girlfriends at this time no more bloodsuckers in my life hell no!
My mother had her friends for 50 + years thru all kinds of changes including divorce, trauma, change of lifestyle, moves out of state, etc. That was another generation.
This generation is full of selfish, self centered, lieing, manipulative toxic untrustworthy people. Good luck forming "friendships" with such people. No thanks! Just my family is who I associate with.
Excellent! I met friend in a grief workshop after her daughter committed suicide. I was a facilitator. After the sessions ended, I reached out to her (she lived near me) and we became best friends with a 20 year friendship. She died suddenly, and I never got a chance to say goodbye. It’s been tough losing her. I’m 66 now, and I don’t think I’ll ever find another friend like her.
Sorry that you are dealing with cancer….I too am dealing with cancer and you definitely figure out who your friends are….I hope you have a good outcome to your illness and hope you have at least one good friend to help you through….take care
@@wildheartxxx135 for some and for myself you get to find that out when it's a bit too late. As the saying goes experience can be a harsh teacher but that's okay ,You live and learn
I've noticed that most of my friendships go by the wayside for various reasons every time I enter into a new phase in my life. I don't regret or dwell upon these lost friendships but rather, I choose to think about the good times and the lessons they each taught me. Life is a revolving door of people. If you aren't changing, then you aren't growing. Invest in those who invest in you.
I noticed that people want to be friends just with successful people. With those who are at the moment in the problematic phase, they are considered overwhelming, toxic, negative and etc... And friends avoid those people. Pure egocentric society nowadays.
@@dragamarijanovski8755 yes I think this is very true as well. I'm the video she mentioned someone who's always dumping but of course always is very subjective. Or did she say often? Either way how much is too much. We all have a different tolerance level based on our own personalities n available time and some people have a short memory about how often you were there for them even if it was a few years ago and maybe not as long. It really depends n the same for whether they are open to advice or just stuck and gripeing. But again before ending the friendship I would explain that to the person in a kind way and at least see what their thoughts are n see if we can find a solution. People are not mind readers and perhaps they do it have had other friends or family that don't mind or who do the same.. Obviously there is several things you like about the person to have been friends for so long it's worth a conversation but too many women are conflict avoidant n lack the confidence to clearly articulate their feelings n be open to another s. This is getting even worse in our society as young people are intolerant of people opinions on things that aren't even about them. This does not bode well for friendships or marriages.
@@dragamarijanovski8755I have noticed this too. I used to have lots of friends when I was young and had everything going for me. When I started to struggle with depression, was signed off work and had some other problems all those people went silent, even ones I'd helped through their hard times. Their attitude was 'join us when you're better' rather than supporting me when I was low. It's been one of the most disappointing things of my life, how most so called friends disappeared when I was struggling only to try to reappear when my life improved. I no longer let people like that back in my life.
After discovering myself, improving my life, stopping habits, I feel like im outgrowing friends now, and it's hard to relate to them, because we are all on different paths in life. I used to feel guilty about this, but its just a way of life.
That’s where I am now with one friend in particular. We met when I first moved to a new city but now that I have been working on me and am in a different space in life I just can’t relate to them anymore. He’s not a bad person at all but we just outgrew each other.
Literally don’t feel guilty because what’s worse is holding yourself back for a most likely temporary person. Sorry not sorry it’s the truth . I’m looking for people on my level and if you’re not I wish you luck but I’m not waiting or working on you for you to get here. I’m over my people pleasing tendencies. I deserve the life and people I’ve always wanted to be surrounded by
I realized my friend was constantly competing and comparing, never able to give a compliment, always backhanded- if accomplishments don’t involve her, she inserted herself into the accomplishment
I keep coming back to this content several times to validate my one life changing decision to let go of a dear friend, and the bullet points discussed here are so precise. Severing friendships that no longer thrive and are detrimental to mental health can be liberating.
I just went through the end of a friendship a few days ago and am still grieving. This video can’t come at a better time for me. Thank you, Julia Kristina
Same here. For the first weeks and months it hurts like hell, but slowly it gets better, the pain becomes a distant memory and other, better friends will cross your path. Guaranteed. 😊
📍a one side friendship (no mutual support, feeling like being used by somebody) 📍a friend cannot be trusted (they cannot keep secret, gossip, or use sothing against you that you have shared) 📍someone compains and dumps on you too much (a victim mentality without willing to get / do better) 📍a friend that compete with you or does not support you and your accomplishments / goals 📍they are unreliable and often do not show up for you 📍they cannot handle honesty 📍you do not feel good about yourself when you are together (feeling judged, scrutinized, or uncomfortable) Thank you Jullia 🙌🤗❤️
People come into our lives for "a reason, a season or a lifetime". I have edited my friendships over the years and have only let go of the ones that made me feel bad after spending time in their company. We know these people are not good for us.
I so needed to hear this right now. I’m dealing with two friends who make me feel invalidated and small. I’m distancing from them and now realize I don’t need to feel guilty about it. Thank you!
A couple years ago I ended a friendship with someone who took advantage of my good nature, financial position and generosity, was a consistent user of people in general (not just me), was not honest about how she felt and couldn't handle me being honest with her about how I felt about her behavior. She was unreliable, dumped on me constantly and it really started dragging me down and depleted me in many ways. The relief was almost instantaneous when it ended :)
Thank you so much for your video! This has truly reinforced my decision to end a friendship. I’m a people pleaser, and always want to be kind, but kindness extends to yourself, as well as the other person.
Thank you. I’ve recently ended an adult friendship due to being punished for being honest (silent treatment, nasty words later hurled at me) I knew in my gut it was right to step away. But it’s always nice to have affirmation.
@@missbernice001 mine still hasn’t spoken to me since, to be honest, life hasn’t been easier. And I’ve attracted much kinder and more mature people to me since.
Currently going through the same thing with someone who very quickly called themselves my “best friend” only a few weeks into knowing me. I brought up something hurtful she did and said I felt uncomfortable, and she said “I won’t bother you anymore I’ll give you space” when I was asking to talk things out. On day 3 of her not speaking to me.
@@hazel_basil7415 it’s so hurtful when you feel close with someone that you thought you could confide in! 7 month update- mine still hasn’t said a word to me. I used to even have a guest room at her place! Sorry to hear you had to go through something similar!
I don’t know if it’s me but I’ve noticed that so many of the people I’ve tried to befriend are not listeners. They never remember anything I’ve told them, they ask a question and cut me off in the middle of the first sentence, they talk endlessly about themselves yet ask no meaningful questions, etc, etc. I’ve moved to a new state and I’ve just about given up on making new friends and prefer my own company.
I so relate to this. Been reflecting on why I’ve been attracting these of people: not listeners, egotistical, superiority complex, and my guess right now is because it is my nature to listen, I give them the time of day no one else probably does. So it’s time for a boundary-any signs of this, and I’m out.
I let go when I see that the other person doesn't give me their presence anymore and slowly fades away. It starts with text replies after hours and hours (even days), invitations to hang out refused with excuses. When a friendship ends, you just feel it.
I had a “friend” who was double crossing me with sensitive information. The amount of fury I felt when I found out this person was my biggest hater was so toxic I disappeared on the person. Sometimes it takes this kind of situation to wake us up and recalibrate our trust meter. I think betrayal is grounds to end any relationship.
yes i have been betrayed by fake friends and I suspect i just discovered another one... I will do the slow fade and stop sharing intimate stuff... she is not stupid so she will know... they are saddest ones doing that betrayal shit.
Yes. I cut off a fake friend a month ago. She was constantly gossiping about others, an indicator she was gossiping about me too. I feel sorry for her but I am better off without her insecurities and drama.
That same thing happened to me. Friend was caught spewing pure lies to someone. I confronted then removed this insecure, manipulative, pathological liar from my life forever. Also applied a 3 degrees of disassociate with this toxic cancer to make sure I got all of the tumor removed.
Being an empath I realized many years ago that I gravitate towards narcissistic friendships. I have no more of those in my life except one and it’s not a friendship where I see that her. I communicate through texts and that’s it. I’ve gotten rid of all those people in my life. I am learning a lot about myself and narcissism and when I been through. I appreciate all the videos and help.
Same here. I think you did it all right. And you learn so much about yourself. It's actually great. And with that you could attract healthy or healthier people. I wish you all the best!
Same here. I ended it with someone I considered my best friend in August after 12 years. I thought I was in love with her but it was a serious trauma bond with a major narcissist. She was emotionally abusing me through the entire friendship. She not only has all the DSM criteria for narcissism but has traits of multiple types of narcissism. This video really describes a lot about narcissistic behavior. That whole idea of using your weaknesses against you and playing the victim and blame shifting is super common in narcissism.
A few years ago I ended a 30 year old friendship over an incident that became the last straw. At the time I was quite upset about it but also relieved. I had found myself treading on eggshells more and more frequently. She constantly criticised me, belittled me and frequently hurt me with her cruel words. A few days after i had ended the friendship she left a message on my landline posing the question, "let's see how you get on when you have your next crisis". I couldn't believe she could be so cruel but it certainly made me realise I'd done the right thing in ending the friendship.
Criticism, belittling, and cruel words are signs that another person is toxic. The voicemail is an example of a behavior known as 'inflicting guilt.' Your response is to look forward and not backward.
I enjoy my own company. If I’m ever “lonely it’s only like 5% of the time if ever. I feel so peaceful. You’d never know I was like this because out and about I am super personable and likable. I wish you all the very best❤
Me too! I used to wonder why I was like this until a friend had me take the Myers Briggs Personality Test. So now I know, introverted to the core! It's such a blessing to be able to enjoy your own company!
This is 100% hands-down the best video on this topic. After watching this and realizing my “friend” ticks six of the seven boxes, I decided to end our friendship and I feel that I’ve made an informed decision. Thank you so much for sharing this, I can tell you are very insightful.
it's extremely difficult to make mature, healthy friends when you live in a community of emotionally stunted adults who are either party/alcoholics or highly toxic. I'm done pretending and playing games any more, it's better to be alone than in unhealthy relationships
My best friend of over 30 years dumped me over a disagreement over vaccine mandates! It wasn’t even a heated debate, just a difference of opinion nothing more. Just because it’s right for you, doesn’t mean it’s right for me. I was completely heartbroken, it’s been over two years and l have heard NOTHING from her. This situation has made me untrusting of people, and l don’t want any friends now, it’s too hurtful. I miss her every day though!
I am so sorry this has happened to you. So many friendships were lost because of covid and the vaccine with everyone thinking their way was the right way. I hope you do not give up on finding a friend where you are allowed to be YOU. This "friend" did not accept you unconditionally; you were their friend only if you did what they thought was the right thing to do. I know it's hard but I hope you release this person from your life. You deserve so much better. ❤️
well thats weird many people have strong opinions over that but im sorry they became non friends over it thats crazy .. i can give you great reasons for and against them and really both are compelling but too many its a passion lol for me its like do i brush my hair or comb it lol i put my faith in God jesus but i want my friends or enemies to not attack me over it .. sp after like a year or so i got them lol .. because it means so much to people and i can really care less lol but do i think my mind convenced me it helped eh sometimes .. did i draw a string line like gov cntril god says dont um its like 666 taken the gov rule lol or it will kill you lol was like whatever .. but others shut up so that was nicelol
I also have a friend that happened to. We have never made it right since then but it did give me time to look at tge relationship. I have given far more and she has given lovely gifts in exchange. I wiuld rather have her listening ear. She has ghosted me for a long time.
I've been ghosted , also the recent war in Israel has caused so many gifts and high tensions . I can't believe that after so many years of always being there for them and me doing the chasing, always agreeing to save any confrontation, these friends think they know better because they have university education, as for me it's the school of hard knocks. So the last week's the difference of opinion and belief systems around the war issues have made me think seriously about these friends. Being undermined, and judge and jury, and they are always right. Life is more calm without all their headstuff.
I love the comments section of this video. So many examples I can relate with. I am not alone who faces situations like this... Thank you all for contributing your personal experiences and strategies.
When you graduate high school, you lose your school friends. When you get married, you lose your single friends, All the friends I had always needed something from me. Every time I needed something there always was a price tag on it. Have friends that fuel you, not friends that are an anchor that you're dragging around. Political differences are a big one for me. Friends that have been indoctrinated I got rid of them. Your co-workers are not your friends either.
I ended a friendship 1 year ago that should have been ended long ago, but I didn’t have the knowledge or tools to get it done. I sought out help from a Christian therapist and she helped so much in helping me to see that after 30 years, it was ok to end what had become anything but a friendship. I had a savior complex about this woman--she was so needy, so downtrodden and had had such a horrible life. I felt it was my job to bring her happiness. Long story short: a huge burden was lifted after I called the woman and ended the relationship. I still pray for her, but I know I can’t fix her. I learned she had borderline personality disorder, and in hindsight, I see now all the red flags. I truly appreciate your video-many of us need permission to do these difficult things in life. Your explanations were so well said. Thank you for your frankness!
Thank you for sharing this. I realized recently I have savior complex as well. I stayed friends with someone who was needy and attention seeking and her behavior started to suffocate me. I tried to pull away gently and she didn’t take the hint. She would cry and act emotional around me and I felt sorry for her so I stayed in it. It got uncomfortable and I had to get out and now when we see each other she acts super nasty to me in public. It all hurt but taught me a lot about myself.
Oooh I had a parent who had severe BPD and I tend to attract people who have it as well. I have ended a friendship with one such person after she threw the last of several tantrums on our wedding day, caused us to be three hours late for our ceremony, then blaming my husband and I for being selfish and making the night all about us!
You are so lucky the woman accepted your decision. The person I have in my life with BPD simply wont let go. Its very difficult as a Christian who wants to always help, to just cut this person off. Today I read this: “you cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another persons feelings. It’s impossible; the two acts contradict”. That’s mind blowing to me. I’m happy you were able to move on.
Same here, I've had friends for over 25 years who were toxic, and I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship. The only reason why I stuck around was bcuz I knew them for so long, but that isn't a good reason to hang onto a friend who isn't a friend but a burden.
I have purged my family for thinking they are better than me & purged friends that have never met me half way. I have learned that now that I don't keep in touch, I don't hear from them at all. My traveling, writing letters/cards & making phone calls are over... So the relationships are over. Sad, but very eye opening!
I let go of a friendship after being ghosted many times . Over time I felt like the relationship was one sided because I felt like I was the one keeping it going .
@@Brosepha I didn’t call or text them daily . I continued to reach out to them like I had always done . They would say that they wanted to get together and would call , and never did . I don’t like crowding people , because I don’t like having it done to me .
I ghosted a friend of 50 years because I was, at the time, estranged from my daughter and my friend was liking every Facebook post of my daughter commenting on how great my daughter is, going over to my daughters house to buy LuluRoe clothing constantly. I told her it bothered me and she just ignored it. I have no problem my friend being friendly with my daughter but she knew I was in pain from being estranged and I felt such disloyalty. It was a terrible feeling wondering if she and my daughter were talking about me behind my back. I cut her off and blocked her.
She's probably the reason you are estranged, divide and conquer, she drove a BIG wedge between you so she could step into the space. Time will show your daughter what a narcissist she really is, glad you cut her off as she was laughing playing both sides against the middle 🙏🏻😢❤️🕊
She was trying to reestablish contact. She wasn’t betraying you. You were and maybe still are angry because she had a relationship with your daughter that you don’t or didn’t.
You are really great ! I’m struggling to let go of several friendships, mainly one, where worrying about his constantly chaotic life, I’m realizing, has become really detrimental to my own mental health. So, I find this really helpful. It’s not a toxic friendship or anything, but the friend is trapped in a cycle of self victimization and blaming others for his situation. He refuses to take responsibility for his life and just got evicted, again. It’s been taking up too much of my energy and I see myself and his other friends resenting him, and just about everyone has walked away. I had to start viewing it, like I was almost a case worker, giving him tasks to complete to address his situation. But I have my own life and family that I need to show up for. So, I really want to spend some time with myself and guard my personal space a little more.
I’m literally going thru the same but my friend lives with me and has kids. I DONT want her to live in my house but the guilt of kicking her out with kids, makes me feel guilty. She doesn’t work and isn’t ambitious and victimizes herself,
People who are constant victims and looking for a ‘handout’ instead of a hand up to stand on their own two feet are people who will drain the lifeblood out of you. Beware if you have codependent tendencies. Protect your own energy and resources for yourself & your close family members instead of endlessly giving to others outside your close circle. You can be taken advantage of due to your kind and empathetic nature - it’s happened to me many times until I said NO MORE! Stop the madness!! 💕
I've recently ended a long-term friendship; I finally put all the puzzle pieces together to realize that they are a narcissist, and that going no contact and actually ending the relationship was the best option for me. Most of the reasons you cited in this video applied to how I came to realize that I would be better off ending things with this toxic person.
I just let go of a eleven year friendship and after two months now feel relieved. She was an excellent friend in many ways, and I really regret losing it on her and hurting her in our last conversation (screaming ect.) I also knew that if I let my compassion come in I would not have been able to end it. I have listened to my body and hearts feelings, (not my mind!!!) from the beginning and it has felt clear and light. I still love her and wish her well and I am waaay less drained.
I think the resulting feeling is the confirmation the right thing was done. I did the same with a 20yr friendship & felt the absolute same. I feel sadness at times for it all, but know it was for the best🙏💫💪 Hopefully you can reflect on, and get help to resolve, what causes that level of dysregulation in your temper, unless it was completely out of character & a one time thing. That’s happened to most of us. 😬🙈
If you need to end a friendship, take into account if that friend is still giving you love and support, and maybe your just dissatisfied bc they are no longer co-signing any of your own dysfunctional behaviors. Sometimes the people we love and want the best for us, will give you unsolicited advice and suggestions in order to try and help you, and sometimes it may not be what you want to hear. If that is the case, and you feel you are not able to continue the friendship, then please don’t ghost that long term friend and instead let them know why you can not be friends anymore. Ghosting good people is very hurtful to them. And just bc you rather be petty and continue bad habits, doesn’t mean that your friend deserves to be punished.
I made a rule for myself with all friends and family, that if I do not feel better for being around someone, then I wouldn't be. I've chosen to be alone ever since. For some reason, people always end up trying to bully or take advantage of me. They mistake my kindness with weakness. I also decided to care about my own feelings as much as I do others. I had decided that I did not know how to choose friends, so they ended up choosing me. My new rule, let no one disrespect me. It is better to be alone than to be abused. I hope soon I can find a true friend.
I don’t have any friends I’m too busy trying to raise my two children. Please pray for me. I’m a widow struggling to provide for my two autistic sons both non verbal. I’m so overwhelmed. My husband passed away three years ago. We are still coping with his death. I lost my job over declining the vaccine. I declined due to my pre existing health conditions (Lupus) and heart disease. I have no family or friends to turn to. I’ve been put down, called horrible names, and mocked by others even my own family just because of my circumstances and my choice. Struggling, every month is a battle to not end up homeless with my two children. Please keep me in your prayers. Every month is so stressful. Im so ashamed my and embarrassed about my situation. Holding on dearly to my faith. I know Our Heavenly Father will provide for me and my children. Keeping faith.
Dear MM I read your comment and my heart sank. You are facing huge challenges and It must be so very overwhelming and scary. You're grieving, you have two kids on the spectrum, and being rejected by close people AND facing financial limits has to be so challenging. I know God must feel far off and not involved. Here's a Proverb I lean on Proverbs 3 5-8. I know you are at wits end. But please Cast your cares on the Lord. He is there Living with you in the midst of this horrible time. I WILL be Praying for you.
"Using your vulnerabilities as ammunition against you" Wow. Thank you for articulating that. It's so great to hear it put into words. In the confusion of feelings arising from this I really needed to hear it clearly explained. It really helps. Thanks again.
This sentence also made me think…. and what if that is a typical behaviour of one’s mother? If we shouldnt tolerate this in friendships, then it is even more so, when it comes to parents or siblings… Not pleasant, but its good to hear such things indeed.
This is something that people with Fearful Avoidant attachment styles need to keep in check. We can sniff those vulnerabilities out quickly, and while we may be usually sensitive and understanding of them, it quickly turns into scathing ammunition when triggered.
Covid lockdowns were actually a blessing. I had space to focus on myself. I have had supportive friends however we just don’t have much in common anymore. We have drifted and it was difficult to come to terms with however their lifestyle and mine don’t match anymore.
Mistakenly I thought my best friend of 35 years would be there forever. When her Mom died she texted and I immediately called her. I packed up a big box of a home made card, a new blanket in her style, chocolates, decaf and regular Earl Grey tea (her favorite), tissues and other thoughtful things which cost close to $50 to ship. It took months to hear if she even received it. Then when my Dad died, I texted her. She texted back. Since she didn’t call, I tried to ring her but she didn’t pick up. She never returned my call, never sent a card. If your BFF can’t even bother to call when your parent dies, the relationship is non existent. I was SO wrong thinking she would always be there for me. People can be so disappointing . I found out the only person who will never let me down is Jesus so at least He is in my corner! But as far as our decades long friendship, unless she makes a big effort to come to me, it’s over. I’m not going to be begging for a sub standard relationship where support goes missing when I need it the most. Scr*w that.
What is wrong with people? So disappointing isn't enough to describe after 35 years of friendship. I am so sorry for your friends' bad callous behavior. You are better off without her. Btw, thanks for the helpful tip on meeting new people. 👍🏻
@tiffany8800 That isn't human nature. Most people will have expectations, especially in certain situations, like some support from a best friend when needed.
Glad you shared that story, I had the same situation happen to me a few years ago. My BFF lost her grandson...as soon as I found out I drove over to her place and tried to console her and went to the wake service too. Not because I knew her grandson, but because I knew her. When my daughter tragically passed, she never even said I'm sorry to hear that and definitely wasn't at the celebration of life service either...it hurt really bad, but that was the last of our friendship. Oh, I might add...it was my only daughter. Only God will always be there, I'm so glad he will be there.
I’m sorry to hear that your friend wasn’t responding the way you needed her to. Hear me out though: first I want to say that I respect your feelings and you have every right to feel the way you do. But here’s food for thought. Every person has a love language and yours is sending her the care package. Hers may be different and did not understand how important it is to you to let you know how much she appreciated your very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. One thing I’ve learned in my own life is that gifts are given freely, with no expectations of reciprocity. You gave her a gift from your heart and she didn’t acknowledge it. Yes, it sucks, but your love for your friend is what prompted you to send her the package. Maybe she has fallen into a deep depression after her mom died. Is there anyone you can reach out to see if she is okay? I’d hesitate to flush a long standing friendship before finding out what is going on. I had a best friend for many many years, we raised our kids together. But she would ghost me every time we made plans. I gave her chance after chance, for YEARS. Finally I just had to tell her that what she was doing was hurting me and if she did it once more I was done. We made plans, she ghosted. All she had to do was text me to tell me she wasn’t coming. So, please don’t think I am criticizing you. You need to do what is right for you. Best of luck.
Just recently cut ties from an almost 40 year frienship. Those 2 young men we were back in the day are just in different places now. I think I could feel it slipping away the last couple years. The friendship had been pretty 1 sided for a long time hindsight being 20/20 now. It ended with a blow up over the phone... still don't much understand what it was he was accusing me of. At first I thought it would be tough to move forward but I have handled it better than I could have imagined...I kind of feel relieved.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot. I’m in a friendship reckoning moment and evaluating my own friends. I have a lot of casual friends and acquaintances, but they really feel shallow. I only have one ride or die friend. I really nurture that friendship with everything I have because I don’t take it for granted.
Me too!!!! I just finished up a summer that was so incredibly isolating that I was on the edge of doing something awful to myself. Mostly because I finally decided to reallllllllly minimize some family relationships (which in turn caused some of those family members to manipulate other family members making it difficult or unpleasant for them to see me). I didn’t want to believe people could actually do stuff right out of some YA novel. My ride or die friends (I have two) live fairly far away and the fact that we are all running as hard as we can just to keep our heads above water (they with their careers-we’re at the age where we can very easily be replaced by younger and cheaper workers; me being the current sole caretaker of a challenging farm) But making the effort is so important!! I just drove 4 hours for an evening concert with one of them and just about died trying to get up in the morning to care for the animals. It was the realization that the animals needed me to get up every morning and care for them that kept me going. I did toy with the idea of letting them all out or just giving them all away, but that was also weird-people didn’t really want them. Purebred well-trained dogs, show-quality poultry, well-trained horses. I didn’t say why I was trying to give them away, people just couldn’t be bothered. It was weird. And I’m exhausted.
I have come to realise in my 50's that many of the people I referred to were actually acquaintances or were in my circle because I never questioned it enough for them being there in the first place. Such as you belonged to a group growing up eg Girl Guides or school groups. And not actual friends, in my sense of the word. As females I feel our socialising is geared into that framework of not to question and any person with trauma (a predisposed world dictates many are) are usually the ones 'picked' and not the ones making the choices. Therefore, your life can already be mostly manufactured - before you even get 'out of the gate'. We are encouraged to not be allowed or even aware that we can make choices. It is truly heartbreaking when those moments come along in life and you would like to either celebrate or commiserate with a friend and then realise it is not on the agenda for them. Either way they are jealous/envious for your accomplishments and success or are lacking in empathy, too shallow or too busy to help you in your struggles. But always remember... when it comes to them if the shoe was on the other foot you would hear about their plights or successes and even be chastised if your response was not acceptable. I feel everyone needs at least one 'body in the boot' scenario (the tough times, NOT the accomplice of a wayward murder scene) ....when you can rely on someone, that is okay with helping you out and knows it would be reciprocated, if need be. Those times when you may not be your best moment, but the person is mature and grounded enough to know we will all be in the position at some point in our lives, but still wants to take the ride with you.
I used to have a lot of best friends !now I'm older I just need more space and more breathable friendships .I have been struggling with wanting to spend more time on my own and feeling a bit guilty for not wanting to hang out with friends as much as I used to .this video came at the right time thanks Julia x
Me too! Clingy or needy friends are a no no for me... I spent a lifetime pleasing others, and now I'd rather just be alone, with my dog or family members x
Agreed. I just have no interest in discussing the banalities of day to day life which is what my only "friend" likes. Still, I feel guilty for wanting to end the friendship as she has mental health issues. At the same time, I just feel I'm done with my people-pleasing tendencies. I'm just drained.
You put everything in words I was feeling about a close friendship I had. The many times I gave her the benefit of the doubt is unreal. This helps to find closure. Thanks for this video Julia
This is incredibly insightful. I’m going through something now with my sister and my mom. I have had this awful feeling for years about certain things, in many of the ways you touch on in this video. I recently overcame my fears and was emotionally honest with them, and my family has essentially shunned me for it. I stopped playing a certain role (for my own health and well being) and they can’t handle it. I am trying to piece together what happened and realizing how terrible these relationships have been for my emotional health and self esteem. I have a lot of wonderful friends and a great support system outside of my family, but this whole thing hurts so much and I’m trying to understand it so I can move on. Thank you for this video. It’s incredible helpful and makes me feel less crazy. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself and being made to feel like I’m a bad person. This was inevitable though. I now feel free of the chains, but I’m trying to learn from this.
Huge hugs Lisa. Cutting off contact with toxic family has to be gut wrenching. I think learning boundaries and standing up for ones self with family isn't easy and when we do it doesn't go over well.
WOW I feel like you are talking directly to me!! I recently ended a friendship of over 40 years (with a break in between for the same issues that I somehow thought they would have grown up and out of). Thank you for defining exactly what I’ve been going through (literally every point you covered I’ve experienced with this person). I felt bad when ending it at first but now I feel a freedom and weight lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head of this issue for me; I feel validated!
I’ve found that healing my childhood wounds has caused me to grow apart from most longtime friends. Completely understandable to me but not so much to them. 🤷🏼♀️
Deeply appreciate adult friendships being discussed. Love your ability to comb through a variety of situations. You hit a bulls eye when you spoke about the feeling like I can't be anything more than a casual aquaintance. I want to be my authentic self because I like who I am. I'm giving too much and there's little balance. One needs to see the red flag if you start to wonder if a friend even likes you at all. That's not a friend. I have no desire to ever want to point this out. I feel like I want to slink out the back door. No drama, no trauma.
Informative and very helpful. I feel good that I made the right decision to end two friendships that felt increasingly toxic. Lack of respect and hearing endless cycles of small talk that doesn't help build a meaningful friendship just don't work for me.
About a year ago a 50 year friendship I had ended , and at first I was feeling bad about it , I even tried to reach out several times to see if we could patch things up , but the more time that passed and the more I thought about it I realized that I've been feeling good that it did end , because for some time I was seeing a great number of the things you're describing here , and there were plenty of times when knowing he was coming over for a visit that I literally became ill in anticipation of having him in my home , I no longer have to listen to how great and wonderful his life is and how mine sucks , or how much money he's throwing around town when he knows money is a issue for me , I no longer have to hear those little innuendos he'd make and I'd pretend I didn't , I don't have to be taken advantage of when I needed cash to make it to the end of the month and instead of loaning me a few dollars he would want to buy the few good things I had left , thank God I was able to get everything back before this so called friendship went belly up , I don't have to hear him telling everyone the punchline to a joke I was telling so I wouldn't get the laugh , if he wasn't the center of attention he'd make sure you weren't either . There's an entire litany of red flags over the years , and at least for the last twenty years I've felt he didn't have my best interest at heart as a real friend would have , and anytime I was going through a real bad rough situation he would conveniently make himself scarce , he became a fairweather friend rather than a true blue one , and looking back in retrospect I've been so much better physically and mentally since that friendship ended , I just didn't know how to do it , so sometimes what we perceive as a lost friendship is in fact a blessing in disguise .
I’m very sorry to hear your story. I ended a 35 year friendship about 3 years ago. Out of loyalty to our relationship, I stuck with her longer than I should have - I suspect you may have done the same. I’ve never missed her and have never had any desire or intention to rekindle our erstwhile friendship - and I wish the same for you too! 😊🇬🇧
Thank you Julia for your inspirational words! This video has really helped me decipher, whether or not a college friendship will be worth saving. I took a break from her for 5-6 years in the past, and then re-kindled our friendship. Now, it is back to the same spot as it was over 15 years ago….all about her and her problems and no time for me. Thank you again!
I usually just demote people from friend to acquaintance. Then, I start to share less and drift out their life. People know when you were a genuine friend or not.
Thanks for this very useful insights. Some people even if they’re your friends who are narcissists. They talk about themselves ad infinitum. My time is so precious listening to these and I sort of dropped them. They don’t even care to ask how you are. They talk about themselves right away.
Feeling very seen and validated here. I can’t consider people close friend material if they exhibit certain thoughtless and/or immature behaviors, and I also don’t really have time for anyone who isn’t close relationship material. I’m not gonna go out of my way for anyone who isn’t and so, as an adult, there really isn’t any relationship to have if it isn’t going in the direction of more trust and closeness.
This is a great video, thank you. I once broke up a friendship because the person could not handle honesty. We were great friends for 3 years, and everything went great until I talked about things she did that hurt me. She totally flipped out, turned on me, and put all the blame on me. And then she ghosted me. Needless to say, I was glad that friendship was over.
After leaving my marriage I learned that I had slowly been removed from my friends, and I have realized I do not have any friends. So the good thing is I don't need to worry about needing to discard any bad friend/relationships.
Wish I'd had this list years ago. Would have saved me a lot of time. I'm having a hard time finding reliable friends now but would rather be alone than put up with the critical and one-sided ones I had before
I was once in a position to counsel a person on their relationship with their family. I really only remember mentioning something that came to my mind at the time. Poised with some question concerning their relationship with a particular family member, I remember simply asking them, - "Were this person not a member of your family, would, or is this the sort of person that you would have as a friend" ? Any relationship should be nurturing. If it is not, cut it loose. There is no such thing as an 'obligatory' relationship. Period.
I’ve had that feeling that I just don’t like myself around that person. It’s hard to describe. I find myself saying negative things. I feel competitive or that I have to defend myself or that I’m less than others. The person brings out the worst in me.
I am becoming very selective as of late as to what I allow and who I allow in my energy field and life. If its a person that does not elevate me, someone that provides growth, or has toxic behaviour its a no for me
Had to recently let a 40 year friend go. It was getting too one-sided on my part. I am tired of reaching out with no reciprocation. It is taxing for me. I've recognized it's time to go.
I just ran across your site today and subscribed! I think people change and people come and go during your lifetime. Letting go can happen just naturally with both parties, or it can be an intentional effort. After learning about narcissistic people, it helps you to know who you can trust and to let into your life, and who should remain in your life. It just happens with growth.
Agree... the boot can be on the other foot. nothing is permanent, and if you dont feel up to giving back to a friendship enough for what ever reason, ( you change, they change, you are feeling like being alone more... ) then that is ok, but you must expect to be booted and that is fair. Also, to a degree, every one is self serving.
I like this one. Many years ago a friend drifted away from me she was very religious i at time had lost my faith so we drifted apart. Distance of miles also a factor.. I hope she is happy and well as she helped me out of a very traumatic situation. One of the good ones.❤
I like that you pointed out the nuance in one-sided vs being the one to initiate. I am more introverted in general and am also stressed with work and school which means I do rely on my friends to call me up, and I'm grateful when they do. I will make time to hang out with them. I also offer to help with logistics, paying for things, etc. One sided to me means they just cant ever be bothered and won't ever make time, and sometimes they tend to mooch off of you
This recently came up in my feed and you are so SPOT ON! I had FOUR friends who fell into the categories you mentioned; and I stopped bothering with them not too long ago. I stopped answering emails/texts because that is the only way these people would reach out -- NEVER, EVER an actual phone call (unless they accidentally butt-dialed, ha-ha!) I kept hanging on because I thought it was "me." I kept racking my brains trying to figure out why they were so close to their other friends and I was "odd man out." One actually had another friend who borrowed $2K from her, never paid her back, and still this friend was higher on her priority ladder than I was. Since I gave up on these fake-friends, new ones came into my life, effortlessly. I feel more whole now. I am 60 and it's not hard meeting new friends, it just might take some time. Just get rid of the old energy and watch the magic happen! ❤
I left a friendship for the first time recently. I felt manipulated for quite a while. Something just felt off. Then she asked a couple sensitive questions about my kids. I felt like she was phishing. Since it was a long distance friendship it was a clean easy break. It definitely still affected me. Embarrassing that I had such needy insecurities on display for a predator. Then second guessing myself if I was interpreting things incorrectly. At the end I just decided family first, end of story.
I recently basically told a very close friend that I needed space for so many of these reasons. Overall I constant felt really bad about myself when I was with her. I tried to address it more than once, but she just didn't change it. Then she didn't recommend me for a job I really wanted at her place of business after numerous conversations about how she would. It became clear that I was willing to show up for her in a way she just couldn't for me.
I recently ended a long time friendship with a man I had known since college. His lying became more frequent to the point I didn’t believe anything he said. It is painful because I knew him for so long and now we don’t speak anymore. Thank you for this video Julie Kristina it was a big help!
friendships can be tuff, but 9 times out of 10, family relationships can be even more difficult. it’s not just friends that can be 1 sided, family members can be like it as well.
Thank you for this topic. I've come to your video a year after you posted it. Lately I've been challenged by two longtime friendships. We are getting older. One of my friend has suffered a few bad falls and consequently has a brain injury that's taking time to heal--she's aware of her personality changes and can talk about them, but it can be very difficult at times. She has a lot of anxiety, and needs to control our conversations. My other friend is having memory issues--she's aware of it, but also seems to be somewhat in denial. At times, she gets extremely frustrated and even angry. Recently, I notice her taking that anger out on me, usually in the form of insults disguised as jokes. We've been traveling together a lot, but the dynamic has deteriorated, so think our traveling days are over now.
I recently left a 60 year friendship. (I am 80.) During covid, I was in the hospital for three weeks and a rehab facility for three weeks. It was a very serious situation and I could have easily passed away. Afterwards, this friend said I did it all "for attention." That was the last straw in this friendship and I let it go. 👍
I feel for u😮😮! Its when tje rubber hits the rubber hits tje Road....where are they??
@joyceconolly, I can relate to this. First of all, I really feel sorry for you, hope you have recovered from COVID.
I had a childhood friend, we were very close for nearly 50 years. We became best friends on the first day of kindergarten. Growing up, I was born & raised in a rich family and my friend was very poor, she was raised by a single mother. I always gave importance to humility and kindness. We were best friends, when she couldn't go on school trips, because they didn't had money, I used to pay for her trips too . If for some reason, she couldn't go , then I would stay back with her at school because she couldn't afford to go( even though I could afford). I always valued our friendship more than my own happiness.
25 years later, she got married to a rich software engineer and she went to America. I got married to a man from middle class and we moved to Newzealand. We had hard life and struggles in a new country. Anyway, my friend & I still kept in contact with each other. Infact I was very happy that she is quite well off since she has struggles during childhood.
Every now & then, she would boast & show off her wealth and how rich she is now. She even mentioned to me that how everyone's life changes and how she is rich and I'm not. It still didn't bother me. But during COVID & "black lives matter" I was very sad that how one man lost his life by a police officer in America. She didn't care & said that there is no racism & she didn't show any sympathy towards that incident. That's it, it was a very difficult decision, but I completely went no contact with her & left friendship after 50 years. 😢
I am so sorry. I had 2 family members die from the virus. What they went through was horrible....struggling to breathe.
Wow! That is pretty nasty.
Wow!
I have two friends.
One, who is very matter of fact, not a warm person, however she allowed me her home and house help when I had crazy post Covid issues. This support was always offered earlier when I needed it the most..
Second friend offered a lot of advice, a lot of attention from far away, but more for her own attention seeking behaviour.
Both these friends were in my life for over 25 years.
I let go of the second friend..who gives attention to get way more attention in return!
You forgot one. They don’t listen to you. They only talk on and on about themselves and their own stuff and don’t give you any quarter.
You got that right!
Have you ever faced constant Rejection? In every aspect of your life? If not, I hope you never have to! It hurts like hell. I know this probably came from out if no where; but it's all I am use to! I do believe in GOD! It's so PAINFUL
@@aquiliaringwood6532 Yes I have...it started in high school and continued from there. I know how you feel, but you have found the one that can deliver you from it...God. He is my rock and I turn to him each day, he is my only strength, but he is enough...
It’s called conversational narcissist. For whatever reason I attract these but quickly move away. There’s a difference in being a kind and listening friend but when you’re the ONLY one listening and never talking all the time…you are their “dump” it’s not friendship.Relationships should have some reciprocation. Does it energize you or deplete you?
I get it. They do talk about themselves. You know what I used to do I would put my phone down and I would let them talk and talk. And then when she would say you know what I mean? I would just go AHA and then keep going about my business as if I'm listening. But I'm not listening cause I'm doing other things in the background. Sometimes I would tell her hold on a minute. I got another call. She didn't even hear me. She kept talking so I just went to the other call and talked to them. And when I was done, i'd flip back to the other phone call and she'd still be talking. Like I never left so I get it. Yeah, try just putting the phone down and letting them yak and yak. While you get your stuff done. And then when they say you know or you know what I mean, you just say. Ha ha, and then just keep going. Not that that's nice, but sometimes you know.
I let go of friendships when the other person is disrespectful, one sided or toxic. It’s so hard but not everyone deserves space in your life. Life is too hard for crappy friends
life is too short and busy for certain people.
So true
Right they are 2 much baggage
What. If. U. Can. No. Longer. Trust. Em
@@jenniferhcsmith-5586 amen
It’s better to be alone than in bad company
Beware. We can become our own bummer.
I feel this is why we have social nature.(To balance out the ego. The thing is great for breathing fire into a cool idea; but left unchecked, it can go "Kazinski"(Unabomber) on an isolated self.)
My you always have a good one on your 6.🖖🙂
i don't know about that in regards to friends. Learning to set and maintain boundaries has left me feeling very alone for a long time. It sucks, and isn't healthy to be almost completely alone.
I agree with you it's better to be alone. Then to go through people not accepting you as is. I did have a really good friend & now she is gone. So I decided it was better that I was alone.
This presenter just says a lot of word salad....I'm not hearing anything of value. She needs to get right to the point instead of all the promoting and keeping us wondering what the point is🙂
JJ jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
You forgot to list a very important factor: disrespect. It goes for every relationship.
One reason I want to have no contact with my adult daughter.
This is why I am ending a friendship. My previous friend swears and rants at me and blames me all the time when she is angry or if I disagree with her. I told her I was taking a social media break from her and we could try again in the new year and it led to more swearing and accusing me of trying to trigger her rejection sensitive dysphoria. :/ (Whereas I have an anxiety disorder and this relationship is really negatively impacting me. Hence why I stepped back.)
Ì find most people just talk about themselves for hours on end, with very little interest in you or others. This is especially true for women, and also quite a lot of men too. As a woman over 30 I've decided to have less friendship with women unfortunately
@@bluelotus9654agreed… I’ve noticed this as well and, in fact, I’ve probably been guilty of this. I’m consciously trying not to do that any more. But my main experience has been how putting up with disrespect tears down your dignity as well as self-respect.
I feel the issue of disrespect was interwoven in all the points she made.
Pay REAL close attention to who is NOT clapping when you win in life. That'll tell you all you need to know about those individuals.
I recently had a friend dump me, and one of her issues was that my work team won an award this year. Her team wasn’t nominated this time around. Rather than be happy for me, she said to me, “It’s great that your team win and all, but I think my team should have won.” (By the way, I was on her team previously, and we’d already won an award a couple years prior.)
@@XDominiqueXFranconX Believe me, you didnt lose anything. That woman actually did you a favor. Women like this are very common unfortunately. Congratulations on the award! Im sure you earned and deserved it :)
100% agree
So 99,90%
Wow, that’s crazy. I thought I’d see more of my best friend when I retired early at 50 with my wife. Instead he quickly started to decline invitations and his new girl, who I had spoken to many times and knew I was retired, kept conveniently forgetting that detail. Once part of my family, he now gravitates to people in the same boat as he is. He’s got two maters and a BS but he still can’t figure out how this guy beat him to the finish line. I spend 6 months of the year in Thailand where we have a second home. He’s never come to visit us and didn’t come to Vegas to celebrate my retirement. He’s in AZ, never left home. I think I present too much of a mirror for him. Life’s a trip.
In my experience I’ve drawn away from certain friends who:
-began ghosting me
-don’t invite me to their special -gatherings or weddings,
make excuses about not having time to talk to me but have a lot of time to converse with others
-Never compliment on accomplishments
That is such a real thing girl. Just realize that isolation builds greatness building skills
That last one is truly bizarre. It's like relax bro it's just a new Honda lololol
ALL. OF. THIS 💯
I get mad when the only time I’m invited is when it’s ONLY for special occasions. I realized too late that the only time a friend would invite me is when it involved bringing a gift.
The way someone treats their friends has to be a reflection of their values, their upbringing. Just know that there's absolutely times when it's not you - it's them.
My one test: Do you feel better, the same, or worse after you've been around your friend?
I am gonna steal that. Well pit
I meant well put
@@ChristiColonel- TH-cam allows edits ... 3 dots on right side.
YUP. I call it the human hangover. How you feel AFTERWARDS is a better indication than how you feel during
This! It's the litmus test!
Your best friend is always yourself. If you are happy going solo and content in your own company, friends are more trouble than they are worth.
They can be
Your own best friend..even if you do self-hating behaviours, over-indulge, abuse? Self-love, self-leaarning, selfhealing is needed.
A major sign I experienced several times:
Pay attention to how the friends of your friend (that you don’t share) treat you. How has your friend portrayed you to them, how do they treat you based on that. Do they belittle you in front of your friend, does your friend not find that a problem? My friend gossiped about me to her friends, they then felt comfortable based on her behavior to then bully me with that info. I realized there was no respect between us. Heartbreaking to realize when it’s a long term friendship.
I know what you mean. Happened on holiday
Excellent point
Its heartbreaking to face you are not losing anything because you never had anything.
Yeah, that feeling of betrayal is the worst. The problem is most people are “sleep walking” through life, unaware of the words and actions have on others. Learned bad behavior. And then you are face with the old dilemma of “authenticity vs connection”. Call the person out, set boundaries, hope they change, risk losing them…keep taking the abuse, internalize, make yourself sick…or…walk away. The 3rd option is what the majority of people do, with good reason.
Edit: This person (group) are use to ripping through connections. You will most likely not be missed, as they move on to others that work for them (temporarily). It’s how unaware they are.
Very true. All of my friends. . certainly those who were long term close friends were always respectful n tried to be friendly n inclusive with any new friend I might have on occasion when I introduced them or they were in same company. They're other friends were similar as I was. I do recall a time where I had a reasonably new friend from work n when my best friend was visiting from Chicago, the newer friend was not really making any effort to get to know or be friendly with my best friend n we were both going out of our way to make her feel comfortable. I knew the this would be a casual friendship that dies out in few months n it did.
Letting go of friendships can hurt and be very hard, but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do for yourself 🙌🏻
fax
Not hard at all… you out grow pple who are toxic. Just won’t tolerate the bs.😊
SO true. Specially these days when real friends are hard to come by.
When you’ve been continually gaslit as a child, it’s extremely hard to know what to think. You don’t want to be abused but you don’t want to be excessively paranoid either. 😢
@@77peacock77 I tend to be too forgiving sometimes for my own good. 😢
I’ve had to cut my fair share of friends loose from my life over the years. It’s not because I didn’t care, It’s because I realized they *didn’t*.
Yes i have experienced that
Same
28 years down the drain
But are they sad? No, mad and usually at you for no reason.
It hurts, but I'm walking. They lost way more than I did.
Yes. I’ve just ended a friendship with someone I really liked. I started to see she really did not care about me, lied a lot and was severely entitled.
Exactly
Me too….hard pill to swallow, but well worth it!! I’ve had to do with family too
I USED to think that having a lot of friends meant that you are such a great person (qualification). As I got older, I realized that this is not true at all. Today, I realize that I have NO quality friends and am very ok with that.
If u have one good friend in life, u have one more than most.
The hard truth is that friendship is not all it's cracked up to be. After a lot of painful disappointment because of my expectations and the short comings of others, I finally recognize that what I wanted doesn't exist - at least, as far as I know. I don't need 'friends' anymore. Coming to this recognition was enormously freeing. I'm whole and never get lonely - being alone is blissful. I'm happy and grateful that I've finally discovered this way of living,
I so get that. I'm the same. I realised some time ago that most of my so called friends were really not so at all. They were just acqaintances and I was so damaged from my childhoo I couldn't recognise a true friend if they had bitten my backside. So those I had thought of as close friends were just someone to reminisce with or hang out with occasionally for social events. One person who had supported me was actually using me to prop up himself - he was narcissistic - and happy when things didn't go right for me than when they did unless he had a major hand in it. It wasn't long before I realised I was his source of supply, until I wasn't. Then he discarded me.
I have given up expecting anything good to come from flawed, sinful human beings. I now expect nothing and so have no right to be disappointed anymore. I am not even sad or upset, just numb mostly - poker faced in the face of hurtful actions. Every good thing is a bonus not an entitlement or even an expectation.
Expect nothing you could be pleasantly surprised or else you just receive the nothing you had expected anyway and prepared for, but if you do expect something or a lot then you are very likely going to be disappointed or even hurt. Why give others that power over you?
@@PotterSpurn1
@kathleenlauren
As long as I've got my husband, my books and my cat, I'm good, don't need anyone else. There's a lot of selfish f**kers out there, I'm just done with 'em all. Just means there won't be much of a welcome committee when I get to the pearly gates lol. xxx
Same!
@@PotterSpurn1 same!
I gave up with friends almost 20 years ago. The disrespect is the worst of it. I'm pretty much where you are I don't need friends and tbh I don't want them.
When people try to control you and get mad at you when they can’t
Narcissistic
That’s a good one. It’s happened to me numerous times.
And you find that out when you put up boundaries and they don't respect them.
Not only trying to control you, but threaten you. Don't get me started on that smfh.
@@RS54321thats what Im dealing with rn.
I am getting Burnt out dealing with this woman who is a severe alcoholic and clinger on.
I have trouble saying no and she doesnt respect my boundaries. Her family know she drinks but they turn a blind eye, I feel both disgust and pity but I have to keep my distance.
5.44. Becomes one sided
8.50 using your insecurities against you
11.10. They dump on you alot
15.29. They don’t support you and compete with you
20.19 they are unreliable
22.19. They can’t handle honesty
28.38. You don’t feel good about yourself around this person
Virtual hi five for this brief synopsis
Thks for the summary
What if they are just extremely boring
Geez the one that just ended for me has all but 1 of these. Def a sign it was over. Not worth it
They also keep a list of transgressions that they've not discussed with you or cleared the air about, until they are being defensive and WILL say there have been four separate times you have made me feel uncomfortable. But won't discuss it. Which I see as withholding.
When that person becomes really hard work, it is time to move on. End of story.
💯
What if they're are going through a very rough spell? Friendship isn't all about things being easy.
@@RS54321 What if they've been going through a really rough time for 30 years and when you also had similar rough times (mental health issues) and recovered and keep pointing them to what helped you but they never do the work and have no insight and think they already know everything because they read and know it intellectually but never put anything into practice?
And say things like "You are doing so well, you should be really proud if yourself, but I am just wondering when the other shoe will fall?" She said that when I got myself together and bought a house.
I have known her since highschool, she really hasn't changed.
I am not even the same person and don't even remember the good times together that fondly.
I've always felt irritated, she is like looking into a mirror of all the previous bad traits exaggerated that I have overcome with self work.
I feel I should help her but she just wants to say how everything sucks but not do anything.
I think the psychiatric meds make her not see clearly.
I woke up once I got off of antidepressants and mood stabilizers.
But I have to let go.
I feel horrible for days after interacting and can't quite put my finger on why and keep hoping I'm strong enough to not be affected.
I keep testing the water.
My partner has now told me to let go because he sees the affect she has on me.
But I don't have any other close female friends and she really doesn't have other friends that are close.
Its difficult to be healthily selfish
Also being used, and then claim they don't know 😊😊
@@RS54321hmm well what if they are using you to enable their behavior? Like want you to help them keep their drinking secret? Or steal stuff while theyre with you?
I came to realise that part of the problem with my adult friendships was me. I’ve always been a bleeding heart so seem to attract friends who constantly pour out their troubles to me to the point where I’m nothing more than an agony aunt because my personal life is pretty content so I didn’t have dramas to share. I reluctantly dropped a 25 year friendship when I realised that she was addicted to being the victim but never took advice , just complained about the same stuff for years. It became too exhausting.
Me too! Thank you for sharing! I wish I didn’t feel bad about letting go of people, but you sometimes have to for your mental health
Sometimes you have to accept that you are giving bad advice, that you are offering up something that they’ve tried already, that everyone has offered up as advice and it just gets irritating to get the same ineffectual advice over and over again. It might actually insult their intelligence. And could you be gaslighting them with your advice, telling them victims don’t exist that they are to blame for being a victim. That’s a really good and toxic one sure to keep a person punishing themselves for years. Some people get trapped in victim cycling, are constantly abused by certain types of people who take pleasure in taking advantage of certain kinds of people - very common these days - and in all that delegitimizing the victim just need affirmation, not advice, just someone to stand up for them and bring them back to who they are.
You described my daughter-in-law exactly. I'm sure I seem to be a terrible mother-in-law because years ago I urged her to change her diet and life style: for years she drank soda instead of water (maybe she still does) and for as long as I've known her she slept days and up nights. She now has stage 4 breast cancer. I pray she survives the cancer and gets the best advice from her doctors. According to my research just the sodas or just the sleep habit can cause breast cancer to grow. I feel so sad for her.
OMG. I totally get this. All the best to you.
Sounded like my mother
I ended all of my friendships by walking away- especially from the narcissistic, untrustworthy women in my family, my mother and two sisters. I should have left sooner- it was extremely difficult to be alone at my age (i'm 63 now and I left almost 10 years ago), but the space between me and those emotional vampires (and all the mean girl friends I seemed to always be drawn to) has given me an inner peace that I've never known. I get lonely, but at least I don't feel like killing myself all the time. Thank you for this video. I need all the backup support I can get!
I'm 67 and recently ended all but one friendship. I don't know if I'll make new friends or not. In the meanwhile, I feel surprisingly liberated. No more drama. No more long winded conversations about their endless problems. No more "misunderstandings" (they don't actually want to understand). I feel a new sense of possibility. Sometimes friendships can become toxic and you just have to walk away to have peace in your life. I didn't exit with any drama, just said I needed to take some time for myself and stopped taking their calls.
I ended two friendships on Sunday, the two friends I had left. They both dumped all their emotional crap on me after my cat died the week before, I am going to be much better off without them, and no one in my life apart from my two remaining cats. My ex friends are both French. They talk too much and are extremely self-centered.
I get it both my mother and my ex-husband were narcissistic. I never knew there was actually a name for this mental disorder or that I was their main target. Now that they're both distance from me my mother passed away and of course my ex-husband is I don't know where I'm having a tough time figuring out who I am and I'm almost afraid to have any girlfriends at this time no more bloodsuckers in my life hell no!
😮EMONTIONAL VANPIRES😮 that profoundly DEEP🔥
I understand this.
My mother had her friends for 50 + years thru all kinds of changes including divorce, trauma, change of lifestyle, moves out of state, etc. That was another generation.
This generation is full of selfish, self centered, lieing, manipulative toxic untrustworthy people. Good luck forming "friendships" with such people. No thanks! Just my family is who I associate with.
so true, fb shallowness is real life now.
Yessssss so true. I noticed that
Ya they didn’t delve too deep often
Yeah coz they were less self aware and women were in the business of putting up and shutting up! Very different times…
Excellent! I met friend in a grief workshop after her daughter committed suicide. I was a facilitator. After the sessions ended, I reached out to her (she lived near me) and we became best friends with a 20 year friendship. She died suddenly, and I never got a chance to say goodbye. It’s been tough losing her. I’m 66 now, and I don’t think I’ll ever find another friend like her.
sorry for your loss.
@@jenniferhcsmith-5586 Thank you. A good friend is priceless.
Remember the good times you and your friend had together. Sorry for your loss.
@@older1sttimemom Thank you. It’s my nature to want to help others. 🙂
❤️
When I was diagnosed with cancer I really found out who my friends were. I actually cut loose several friends of 30 and 40 years.
Sorry that you are dealing with cancer….I too am dealing with cancer and you definitely figure out who your friends are….I hope you have a good outcome to your illness and hope you have at least one good friend to help you through….take care
Lean on Jesus, He will never leave you.
@@freeinJesus true that!
Same! And, I hope that you are healthy and thriving now.
Wow sad
“Not feeling good about yourself around them”. My dogs are thrilled when I walk in - best thing ever!
😅❤exactly!
Dogs are way better than humans. Even cats to lesser degree.
Loyalty....the best you will ever find in your dig friend!!
Yes!
Woof!
In many cases a once best friend turns out to be your worst enemy
Thats the truth!
Test people before making friends with them!
@@wildheartxxx135 for some and for myself you get to find that out when it's a bit too late. As the saying goes experience can be a harsh teacher but that's okay ,You live and learn
@@wildheartxxx135 Yes, don't turn a blind eye to red flags. I gave way too many friends the benefit of the doubt when I should have ran!
Yes😭😭😭
Or a they no longer there and a friend of theirs sitting where they used to sit ear wigging on conversations you have with your other friends.😮
Disrespect, playing games and gossiping about anything you told them to others at work. Good reasons to end a relationship.
I've noticed that most of my friendships go by the wayside for various reasons every time I enter into a new phase in my life. I don't regret or dwell upon these lost friendships but rather, I choose to think about the good times and the lessons they each taught me. Life is a revolving door of people. If you aren't changing, then you aren't growing. Invest in those who invest in you.
Facts
I noticed that people want to be friends just with successful people. With those who are at the moment in the problematic phase, they are considered overwhelming, toxic, negative and etc... And friends avoid those people. Pure egocentric society nowadays.
@@dragamarijanovski8755 yes I think this is very true as well. I'm the video she mentioned someone who's always dumping but of course always is very subjective. Or did she say often? Either way how much is too much. We all have a different tolerance level based on our own personalities n available time and some people have a short memory about how often you were there for them even if it was a few years ago and maybe not as long. It really depends n the same for whether they are open to advice or just stuck and gripeing. But again before ending the friendship I would explain that to the person in a kind way and at least see what their thoughts are n see if we can find a solution. People are not mind readers and perhaps they do it have had other friends or family that don't mind or who do the same.. Obviously there is several things you like about the person to have been friends for so long it's worth a conversation but too many women are conflict avoidant n lack the confidence to clearly articulate their feelings n be open to another s. This is getting even worse in our society as young people are intolerant of people opinions on things that aren't even about them. This does not bode well for friendships or marriages.
Love this 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
@@dragamarijanovski8755I have noticed this too. I used to have lots of friends when I was young and had everything going for me. When I started to struggle with depression, was signed off work and had some other problems all those people went silent, even ones I'd helped through their hard times. Their attitude was 'join us when you're better' rather than supporting me when I was low. It's been one of the most disappointing things of my life, how most so called friends disappeared when I was struggling only to try to reappear when my life improved. I no longer let people like that back in my life.
After discovering myself, improving my life, stopping habits, I feel like im outgrowing friends now, and it's hard to relate to them, because we are all on different paths in life. I used to feel guilty about this, but its just a way of life.
That’s where I am now with one friend in particular. We met when I first moved to a new city but now that I have been working on me and am in a different space in life I just can’t relate to them anymore. He’s not a bad person at all but we just outgrew each other.
In same boat, time to move on.
“Out grew” is the perfect word to describe the end of a friendship.
It does seem to be life .....
Literally don’t feel guilty because what’s worse is holding yourself back for a most likely temporary person. Sorry not sorry it’s the truth . I’m looking for people on my level and if you’re not I wish you luck but I’m not waiting or working on you for you to get here. I’m over my people pleasing tendencies. I deserve the life and people I’ve always wanted to be surrounded by
A true friend is with you through both good and bad times
Fr
Not is you are toxic!
@@Se-levedepends on what you mean by "toxic".
Yes!
A true friend wont ever try to harm you or use you
I realized my friend was constantly competing and comparing, never able to give a compliment, always backhanded- if accomplishments don’t involve her, she inserted herself into the accomplishment
I have that issue. She l
She loves to throw her invitations in my face, since I left her area. Needs to one up me.. takes never gives.
I keep coming back to this content several times to validate my one life changing decision to let go of a dear friend, and the bullet points discussed here are so precise.
Severing friendships that no longer thrive and are detrimental to mental health can be liberating.
I just went through the end of a friendship a few days ago and am still grieving. This video can’t come at a better time for me. Thank you, Julia Kristina
Exact same here, couldn't believe this appeared today.
Same 😔☹️ was a relative too! It’s so hard but maybe it’s for the best.
I hope you find better friends in future.
You are better off without that person. It's their problem, not yours.
Same here. For the first weeks and months it hurts like hell, but slowly it gets better, the pain becomes a distant memory and other, better friends will cross your path. Guaranteed. 😊
📍a one side friendship (no mutual support, feeling like being used by somebody)
📍a friend cannot be trusted (they cannot keep secret, gossip, or use sothing against you that you have shared)
📍someone compains and dumps on you too much (a victim mentality without willing to get / do better)
📍a friend that compete with you or does not support you and your accomplishments / goals
📍they are unreliable and often do not show up for you
📍they cannot handle honesty
📍you do not feel good about yourself when you are together (feeling judged, scrutinized, or uncomfortable)
Thank you Jullia 🙌🤗❤️
Thank you.
How about if your friend gets a new boyfriend and suddenly you're history. I mean you give them a honeymoon period but then you get back in touch
People come into our lives for "a reason, a season or a lifetime". I have edited my friendships over the years and have only let go of the ones that made me feel bad after spending time in their company. We know these people are not good for us.
I so needed to hear this right now. I’m dealing with two friends who make me feel invalidated and small. I’m distancing from them and now realize I don’t need to feel guilty about it. Thank you!
Covid was an ideal time to fade from several toxic female friendships….and I did it!
A couple years ago I ended a friendship with someone who took advantage of my good nature, financial position and generosity, was a consistent user of people in general (not just me), was not honest about how she felt and couldn't handle me being honest with her about how I felt about her behavior. She was unreliable, dumped on me constantly and it really started dragging me down and depleted me in many ways. The relief was almost instantaneous when it ended :)
Thank you so much for your video! This has truly reinforced my decision to end a friendship. I’m a people pleaser, and always want to be kind, but kindness extends to yourself, as well as the other person.
Thank you. I’ve recently ended an adult friendship due to being punished for being honest (silent treatment, nasty words later hurled at me) I knew in my gut it was right to step away. But it’s always nice to have affirmation.
Thank you so much!
I’m being punished for being honest with silent treatment and I think it’s about time to let go.
@@missbernice001 mine still hasn’t spoken to me since, to be honest, life hasn’t been easier. And I’ve attracted much kinder and more mature people to me since.
Currently going through the same thing with someone who very quickly called themselves my “best friend” only a few weeks into knowing me. I brought up something hurtful she did and said I felt uncomfortable, and she said “I won’t bother you anymore I’ll give you space” when I was asking to talk things out. On day 3 of her not speaking to me.
@@hazel_basil7415 it’s so hurtful when you feel close with someone that you thought you could confide in! 7 month update- mine still hasn’t said a word to me. I used to even have a guest room at her place!
Sorry to hear you had to go through something similar!
I don’t know if it’s me but I’ve noticed that so many of the people I’ve tried to befriend are not listeners. They never remember anything I’ve told them, they ask a question and cut me off in the middle of the first sentence, they talk endlessly about themselves yet ask no meaningful questions, etc, etc. I’ve moved to a new state and I’ve just about given up on making new friends and prefer my own company.
I so relate to this. Been reflecting on why I’ve been attracting these of people: not listeners, egotistical, superiority complex, and my guess right now is because it is my nature to listen, I give them the time of day no one else probably does. So it’s time for a boundary-any signs of this, and I’m out.
It's really hard to move after a certain age
I completely understand you love , I am the same way
I let go when I see that the other person doesn't give me their presence anymore and slowly fades away. It starts with text replies after hours and hours (even days), invitations to hang out refused with excuses. When a friendship ends, you just feel it.
I had a “friend” who was double crossing me with sensitive information. The amount of fury I felt when I found out this person was my biggest hater was so toxic I disappeared on the person. Sometimes it takes this kind of situation to wake us up and recalibrate our trust meter. I think betrayal is grounds to end any relationship.
yes i have been betrayed by fake friends and I suspect i just discovered another one... I will do the slow fade and stop sharing intimate stuff... she is not stupid so she will know... they are saddest ones doing that betrayal shit.
Yes. I cut off a fake friend a month ago. She was constantly gossiping about others, an indicator she was gossiping about me too. I feel sorry for her but I am better off without her insecurities and drama.
I agree. Betrayal is always grounds to end relationships.
That same thing happened to me. Friend was caught spewing pure lies to someone. I confronted then removed this insecure, manipulative, pathological liar from my life forever. Also applied a 3 degrees of disassociate with this toxic cancer to make sure I got all of the tumor removed.
@@Brian-xp3uydoes that mean you had nothing more to do with her, her friends and anyone who is a friend of her friends?
Being an empath I realized many years ago that I gravitate towards narcissistic friendships. I have no more of those in my life except one and it’s not a friendship where I see that her. I communicate through texts and that’s it. I’ve gotten rid of all those people in my life. I am learning a lot about myself and narcissism and when I been through. I appreciate all the videos and help.
Same here as a fellow empath!
Me too
Same here. I think you did it all right. And you learn so much about yourself. It's actually great. And with that you could attract healthy or healthier people. I wish you all the best!
Same here.
Same here. I ended it with someone I considered my best friend in August after 12 years. I thought I was in love with her but it was a serious trauma bond with a major narcissist. She was emotionally abusing me through the entire friendship. She not only has all the DSM criteria for narcissism but has traits of multiple types of narcissism. This video really describes a lot about narcissistic behavior. That whole idea of using your weaknesses against you and playing the victim and blame shifting is super common in narcissism.
A few years ago I ended a 30 year old friendship over an incident that became the last straw. At the time I was quite upset about it but also relieved. I had found myself treading on eggshells more and more frequently. She constantly criticised me, belittled me and frequently hurt me with her cruel words. A few days after i had ended the friendship she left a message on my landline posing the question, "let's see how you get on when you have your next crisis". I couldn't believe she could be so cruel but it certainly made me realise I'd done the right thing in ending the friendship.
Sounds like she underestimated you and overestimated her self-importance Good riddance 😂
@@SandraStachowiczLtd I couldn't have put it better myself. 😊
Why did you start it in the first place? Out of interest.
@@Marvin-dg8vjlong story and it's too personal to relate here.
Criticism, belittling, and cruel words are signs that another person is toxic. The voicemail is an example of a behavior known as 'inflicting guilt.' Your response is to look forward and not backward.
I enjoy my own company. If I’m ever “lonely it’s only like 5% of the time if ever. I feel so peaceful. You’d never know I was like this because out and about I am super personable and likable. I wish you all the very best❤
Me too! I used to wonder why I was like this until a friend had me take the Myers Briggs Personality Test. So now I know, introverted to the core! It's such a blessing to be able to enjoy your own company!
@@ETylerJC being able to enjoy your own company saves you from low quality relationships and friendships 😊
This is 100% hands-down the best video on this topic. After watching this and realizing my “friend” ticks six of the seven boxes, I decided to end our friendship and I feel that I’ve made an informed decision. Thank you so much for sharing this, I can tell you are very insightful.
it's extremely difficult to make mature, healthy friends when you live in a community of emotionally stunted adults who are either party/alcoholics or highly toxic.
I'm done pretending and playing games any more, it's better to be alone than in unhealthy relationships
I’m starting to feel this way as well.
Exactly
Same here.
Sounds like you just washed out of the furry fandom. LOL
@@VioFax sorry but I really don't understand what you said
I let go when they betray you and consistently keep in touch with your haters. They are not a genuine friend
Sadly 😢💔
My best friend of over 30 years dumped me over a disagreement over vaccine mandates! It wasn’t even a heated debate, just a difference of opinion nothing more. Just because it’s right for you, doesn’t mean it’s right for me. I was completely heartbroken, it’s been over two years and l have heard NOTHING from her. This situation has made me untrusting of people, and l don’t want any friends now, it’s too hurtful. I miss her every day though!
I am so sorry this has happened to you. So many friendships were lost because of covid and the vaccine with everyone thinking their way was the right way.
I hope you do not give up on finding a friend where you are allowed to be YOU. This "friend" did not accept you unconditionally; you were their friend only if you did what they thought was the right thing to do. I know it's hard but I hope you release this person from your life. You deserve so much better. ❤️
well thats weird many people have strong opinions over that but im sorry they became non friends over it thats crazy .. i can give you great reasons for and against them and really both are compelling but too many its a passion lol for me its like do i brush my hair or comb it lol i put my faith in God jesus but i want my friends or enemies to not attack me over it .. sp after like a year or so i got them lol .. because it means so much to people and i can really care less lol but do i think my mind convenced me it helped eh sometimes .. did i draw a string line like gov cntril god says dont um its like 666 taken the gov rule lol or it will kill you lol was like whatever .. but others shut up so that was nicelol
I had a childhood friend unfriend me on social media over difference of opinion on that topic, but looking back she was a bit time narc.
I also have a friend that happened to. We have never made it right since then but it did give me time to look at tge relationship. I have given far more and she has given lovely gifts in exchange. I wiuld rather have her listening ear. She has ghosted me for a long time.
I've been ghosted , also the recent war in Israel has caused so many gifts and high tensions . I can't believe that after so many years of always being there for them and me doing the chasing, always agreeing to save any confrontation, these friends think they know better because they have university education, as for me it's the school of hard knocks. So the last week's the difference of opinion and belief systems around the war issues have made me think seriously about these friends.
Being undermined, and judge and jury, and they are always right.
Life is more calm without all their headstuff.
I love the comments section of this video. So many examples I can relate with. I am not alone who faces situations like this... Thank you all for contributing your personal experiences and strategies.
When you graduate high school, you lose your school friends. When you get married, you lose your single friends, All the friends I had always needed something from me. Every time I needed something there always was a price tag on it. Have friends that fuel you, not friends that are an anchor that you're dragging around. Political differences are a big one for me. Friends that have been indoctrinated I got rid of them. Your co-workers are not your friends either.
You describe a few people I thought to be my friends. Different values, takers and not givers and can’t be happy for your accomplishments..
@@paulaa6373 Yep! Also you learn that all those friendships weren’t even friendships or they were one sided friendships.
I ended a friendship 1 year ago that should have been ended long ago, but I didn’t have the knowledge or tools to get it done. I sought out help from a Christian therapist and she helped so much in helping me to see that after 30 years, it was ok to end what had become anything but a friendship. I had a savior complex about this woman--she was so needy, so downtrodden and had had such a horrible life. I felt it was my job to bring her happiness. Long story short: a huge burden was lifted after I called the woman and ended the relationship. I still pray for her, but I know I can’t fix her. I learned she had borderline personality disorder, and in hindsight, I see now all the red flags. I truly appreciate your video-many of us need permission to do these difficult things in life. Your explanations were so well said. Thank you for your frankness!
Thank you for sharing this. I realized recently I have savior complex as well. I stayed friends with someone who was needy and attention seeking and her behavior started to suffocate me. I tried to pull away gently and she didn’t take the hint. She would cry and act emotional around me and I felt sorry for her so I stayed in it. It got uncomfortable and I had to get out and now when we see each other she acts super nasty to me in public. It all hurt but taught me a lot about myself.
you can help people but you can never fix them. they have too be willing too help themselves.
Oooh I had a parent who had severe BPD and I tend to attract people who have it as well. I have ended a friendship with one such person after she threw the last of several tantrums on our wedding day, caused us to be three hours late for our ceremony, then blaming my husband and I for being selfish and making the night all about us!
You are so lucky the woman accepted your decision. The person I have in my life with BPD simply wont let go. Its very difficult as a Christian who wants to always help, to just cut this person off. Today I read this: “you cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another persons feelings. It’s impossible; the two acts contradict”. That’s mind blowing to me. I’m happy you were able to move on.
Same here, I've had friends for over 25 years who were toxic, and I wasn't getting anything out of the friendship. The only reason why I stuck around was bcuz I knew them for so long, but that isn't a good reason to hang onto a friend who isn't a friend but a burden.
I have purged my family for thinking they are better than me & purged friends that have never met me half way. I have learned that now that I don't keep in touch, I don't hear from them at all. My traveling, writing letters/cards & making phone calls are over... So the relationships are over. Sad, but very eye opening!
@Pixie_damsel It definitely takes time! Just remember, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself!
@Dani I can relate to what you are saying...and I don't miss those kind of "friends" at all.
I let go of a friendship after being ghosted many times . Over time I felt like the relationship was one sided because I felt like I was the one keeping it going .
I can relate to this one! I finally ended it. I’m now the lifetime ghost!
Are you sure you werent being too overbearing?
Sometimes needy people dont see that they are suffocating others.
@@Brosepha I didn’t call or text them daily . I continued to reach out to them like I had always done . They would say that they wanted to get together and would call , and never did . I don’t like crowding people , because I don’t like having it done to me .
@@bigmama818 doesnt sound like you did anything wrong maybe they just didnt have the nerve to say they were too busy
I ghosted a friend of 50 years because I was, at the time, estranged from my daughter and my friend was liking every Facebook post of my daughter commenting on how great my daughter is, going over to my daughters house to buy LuluRoe clothing constantly. I told her it bothered me and she just ignored it. I have no problem my friend being friendly with my daughter but she knew I was in pain from being estranged and I felt such disloyalty. It was a terrible feeling wondering if she and my daughter were talking about me behind my back. I cut her off and blocked her.
She's probably the reason you are estranged, divide and conquer, she drove a BIG wedge between you so she could step into the space. Time will show your daughter what a narcissist she really is, glad you cut her off as she was laughing playing both sides against the middle 🙏🏻😢❤️🕊
@@FaithfulandTrue777 Yes, I think so to. My sister does that. When I first heard about Narcissists, I suddenly understood the dynamic. Freedom!
She was trying to reestablish contact. She wasn’t betraying you. You were and maybe still are angry because she had a relationship with your daughter that you don’t or didn’t.
Trust is everything in a relationship. And being able to say if something is to much for you politely is a skill.
You are really great ! I’m struggling to let go of several friendships, mainly one, where worrying about his constantly chaotic life, I’m realizing, has become really detrimental to my own mental health. So, I find this really helpful. It’s not a toxic friendship or anything, but the friend is trapped in a cycle of self victimization and blaming others for his situation. He refuses to take responsibility for his life and just got evicted, again. It’s been taking up too much of my energy and I see myself and his other friends resenting him, and just about everyone has walked away. I had to start viewing it, like I was almost a case worker, giving him tasks to complete to address his situation. But I have my own life and family that I need to show up for. So, I really want to spend some time with myself and guard my personal space a little more.
I’m literally going thru the same but my friend lives with me and has kids. I DONT want her to live in my house but the guilt of kicking her out with kids, makes me feel guilty. She doesn’t work and isn’t ambitious and victimizes herself,
People who are constant victims and looking for a ‘handout’ instead of a hand up to stand on their own two feet are people who will drain the lifeblood out of you.
Beware if you have codependent tendencies.
Protect your own energy and resources for yourself & your close family members instead of endlessly giving to others outside your close circle.
You can be taken advantage of due to your kind and empathetic nature - it’s happened to me many times until I said NO MORE!
Stop the madness!! 💕
I've recently ended a long-term friendship; I finally put all the puzzle pieces together to realize that they are a narcissist, and that going no contact and actually ending the relationship was the best option for me. Most of the reasons you cited in this video applied to how I came to realize that I would be better off ending things with this toxic person.
Once it is ended, you will feel like a weight has been lifted off of you. You are free, it feels good. I been there, done that.
Totally relate. I have had the same experience.
Ended a long term friendship. The relationship changed. No longer worked for me
I just let go of a eleven year friendship and after two months now feel relieved.
She was an excellent friend in many ways, and I really regret losing it on her and hurting her in our last conversation (screaming ect.)
I also knew that if I let my compassion come in I would not have been able to end it.
I have listened to my body and hearts feelings, (not my mind!!!) from the beginning and it has felt clear and light.
I still love her and wish her well and I am waaay less drained.
Wow. Seems like she dodged a bullet. Screaming? Really?
I think the resulting feeling is the confirmation the right thing was done.
I did the same with a 20yr friendship & felt the absolute same. I feel sadness at times for it all, but know it was for the best🙏💫💪
Hopefully you can reflect on, and get help to resolve, what causes that level of dysregulation in your temper, unless it was completely out of character & a one time thing. That’s happened to most of us. 😬🙈
If you need to end a friendship, take into account if that friend is still giving you love and support, and maybe your just dissatisfied bc they are no longer co-signing any of your own dysfunctional behaviors. Sometimes the people we love and want the best for us, will give you unsolicited advice and suggestions in order to try and help you, and sometimes it may not be what you want to hear. If that is the case, and you feel you are not able to continue the friendship, then please don’t ghost that long term friend and instead let them know why you can not be friends anymore. Ghosting good people is very hurtful to them. And just bc you rather be petty and continue bad habits, doesn’t mean that your friend deserves to be punished.
I made a rule for myself with all friends and family, that if I do not feel better for being around someone, then I wouldn't be. I've chosen to be alone ever since. For some reason, people always end up trying to bully or take advantage of me. They mistake my kindness with weakness.
I also decided to care about my own feelings as much as I do others. I had decided that I did not know how to choose friends, so they ended up choosing me. My new rule, let no one disrespect me. It is better to be alone than to be abused. I hope soon I can find a true friend.
I don’t have any friends I’m too busy trying to raise my two children. Please pray for me. I’m a widow struggling to provide for my two autistic sons both non verbal. I’m so overwhelmed. My husband passed away three years ago. We are still coping with his death. I lost my job over declining the vaccine. I declined due to my pre existing health conditions (Lupus) and heart disease. I have no family or friends to turn to. I’ve been put down, called horrible names, and mocked by others even my own family just because of my circumstances and my choice. Struggling, every month is a battle to not end up homeless with my two children. Please keep me in your prayers. Every month is so stressful. Im so ashamed my and embarrassed about my situation. Holding on dearly to my faith. I know Our Heavenly Father will provide for me and my children. Keeping faith.
Praying for ease and prosperity 🙏 🤗 May you pull through this difficult time
Praying for you and take each day as it comes. Don't be too hard on yourself you are already doing an incredible job raising 2 autistic kids.
Prayed for you. ❤️
Dear MM
I read your comment and my heart sank. You are facing huge
challenges and It must be so very overwhelming and scary.
You're grieving, you have two kids on the spectrum, and being rejected by close people AND facing financial limits has to be so challenging. I know God
must feel far off and not involved. Here's a Proverb
I lean on Proverbs 3 5-8.
I know you are at wits end.
But please Cast your cares on the Lord. He is there Living with you in the midst of this horrible time.
I WILL be Praying for you.
God bless you keep strong
"Using your vulnerabilities as ammunition against you" Wow. Thank you for articulating that. It's so great to hear it put into words. In the confusion of feelings arising from this I really needed to hear it clearly explained. It really helps. Thanks again.
This sentence also made me think…. and what if that is a typical behaviour of one’s mother?
If we shouldnt tolerate this in friendships, then it is even more so, when it comes to parents or siblings…
Not pleasant, but its good to hear such things indeed.
This is something that people with Fearful Avoidant attachment styles need to keep in check. We can sniff those vulnerabilities out quickly, and while we may be usually sensitive and understanding of them, it quickly turns into scathing ammunition when triggered.
@@happygoluckystar8069 Yes, in my case, both parents used this one a lot. It's really hard to make sense of as a small child.
Covid lockdowns were actually a blessing. I had space to focus on myself. I have had supportive friends however we just don’t have much in common anymore. We have drifted and it was difficult to come to terms with however their lifestyle and mine don’t match anymore.
Mistakenly I thought my best friend of 35 years would be there forever.
When her Mom died she texted and I immediately called her.
I packed up a big box of a home made card, a new blanket in her style, chocolates, decaf and regular Earl Grey tea (her favorite), tissues and other thoughtful things which cost close to $50 to ship. It took months to hear if she even received it.
Then when my Dad died, I texted her.
She texted back.
Since she didn’t call, I tried to ring her but she didn’t pick up.
She never returned my call, never sent a card.
If your BFF can’t even bother to call when your parent dies, the relationship is non existent.
I was SO wrong thinking she would always be there for me.
People can be so disappointing .
I found out the only person who will never let me down is Jesus so at least He is in my corner!
But as far as our decades long friendship, unless she makes a big effort to come to me, it’s over.
I’m not going to be begging for a sub standard relationship where support goes missing when I need it the most.
Scr*w that.
@@neverstopwhistleThank you for that. 💕
What is wrong with people? So disappointing isn't enough to describe after 35 years of friendship. I am so sorry for your friends' bad callous behavior. You are better off without her. Btw, thanks for the helpful tip on meeting new people. 👍🏻
@tiffany8800 That isn't human nature. Most people will have expectations, especially in certain situations, like some support from a best friend when needed.
Glad you shared that story, I had the same situation happen to me a few years ago. My BFF lost her grandson...as soon as I found out I drove over to her place and tried to console her and went to the wake service too. Not because I knew her grandson, but because I knew her. When my daughter tragically passed, she never even said I'm sorry to hear that and definitely wasn't at the celebration of life service either...it hurt really bad, but that was the last of our friendship. Oh, I might add...it was my only daughter. Only God will always be there, I'm so glad he will be there.
I’m sorry to hear that your friend wasn’t responding the way you needed her to. Hear me out though: first I want to say that I respect your feelings and you have every right to feel the way you do. But here’s food for thought. Every person has a love language and yours is sending her the care package. Hers may be different and did not understand how important it is to you to let you know how much she appreciated your very thoughtful and heartfelt gift. One thing I’ve learned in my own life is that gifts are given freely, with no expectations of reciprocity. You gave her a gift from your heart and she didn’t acknowledge it. Yes, it sucks, but your love for your friend is what prompted you to send her the package. Maybe she has fallen into a deep depression after her mom died. Is there anyone you can reach out to see if she is okay? I’d hesitate to flush a long standing friendship before finding out what is going on. I had a best friend for many many years, we raised our kids together. But she would ghost me every time we made plans. I gave her chance after chance, for YEARS. Finally I just had to tell her that what she was doing was hurting me and if she did it once more I was done. We made plans, she ghosted. All she had to do was text me to tell me she wasn’t coming. So, please don’t think I am criticizing you. You need to do what is right for you. Best of luck.
Just recently cut ties from an almost 40 year frienship. Those 2 young men we were back in the day are just in different places now. I think I could feel it slipping away the last couple years. The friendship had been pretty 1 sided for a long time hindsight being 20/20 now. It ended with a blow up over the phone... still don't much understand what it was he was accusing me of. At first I thought it would be tough to move forward but I have handled it better than I could have imagined...I kind of feel relieved.
I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot. I’m in a friendship reckoning moment and evaluating my own friends. I have a lot of casual friends and acquaintances, but they really feel shallow. I only have one ride or die friend. I really nurture that friendship with everything I have because I don’t take it for granted.
Me too!!!! I just finished up a summer that was so incredibly isolating that I was on the edge of doing something awful to myself. Mostly because I finally decided to reallllllllly minimize some family relationships (which in turn caused some of those family members to manipulate other family members making it difficult or unpleasant for them to see me). I didn’t want to believe people could actually do stuff right out of some YA novel. My ride or die friends (I have two) live fairly far away and the fact that we are all running as hard as we can just to keep our heads above water (they with their careers-we’re at the age where we can very easily be replaced by younger and cheaper workers; me being the current sole caretaker of a challenging farm) But making the effort is so important!! I just drove 4 hours for an evening concert with one of them and just about died trying to get up in the morning to care for the animals. It was the realization that the animals needed me to get up every morning and care for them that kept me going. I did toy with the idea of letting them all out or just giving them all away, but that was also weird-people didn’t really want them. Purebred well-trained dogs, show-quality poultry, well-trained horses. I didn’t say why I was trying to give them away, people just couldn’t be bothered. It was weird. And I’m exhausted.
I have come to realise in my 50's that many of the people I referred to were actually acquaintances or were in my circle because I never questioned it enough for them being there in the first place. Such as you belonged to a group growing up eg Girl Guides or school groups. And not actual friends, in my sense of the word. As females I feel our socialising is geared into that framework of not to question and any person with trauma (a predisposed world dictates many are) are usually the ones 'picked' and not the ones making the choices. Therefore, your life can already be mostly manufactured - before you even get 'out of the gate'. We are encouraged to not be allowed or even aware that we can make choices. It is truly heartbreaking when those moments come along in life and you would like to either celebrate or commiserate with a friend and then realise it is not on the agenda for them. Either way they are jealous/envious for your accomplishments and success or are lacking in empathy, too shallow or too busy to help you in your struggles. But always remember... when it comes to them if the shoe was on the other foot you would hear about their plights or successes and even be chastised if your response was not acceptable. I feel everyone needs at least one 'body in the boot' scenario (the tough times, NOT the accomplice of a wayward murder scene) ....when you can rely on someone, that is okay with helping you out and knows it would be reciprocated, if need be. Those times when you may not be your best moment, but the person is mature and grounded enough to know we will all be in the position at some point in our lives, but still wants to take the ride with you.
I used to have a lot of best friends !now I'm older I just need more space and more breathable friendships .I have been struggling with wanting to spend more time on my own and feeling a bit guilty for not wanting to hang out with friends as much as I used to .this video came at the right time thanks Julia x
Me too! Clingy or needy friends are a no no for me... I spent a lifetime pleasing others, and now I'd rather just be alone, with my dog or family members x
Agreed. I just have no interest in discussing the banalities of day to day life which is what my only "friend" likes. Still, I feel guilty for wanting to end the friendship as she has mental health issues. At the same time, I just feel I'm done with my people-pleasing tendencies. I'm just drained.
As you get older, I think that’s common.
I know, same here. The older I get the more I enjoy my alone time. Less drama and irritations.
I've learned not to over extend myself. I need my alone time but l need friendships too. If they can't accept that it's on them.
You put everything in words I was feeling about a close friendship I had. The many times I gave her the benefit of the doubt is unreal. This helps to find closure. Thanks for this video Julia
Upon liking myself more I see that I deserve to feel the benefit of the friendship.
This is incredibly insightful. I’m going through something now with my sister and my mom. I have had this awful feeling for years about certain things, in many of the ways you touch on in this video. I recently overcame my fears and was emotionally honest with them, and my family has essentially shunned me for it. I stopped playing a certain role (for my own health and well being) and they can’t handle it. I am trying to piece together what happened and realizing how terrible these relationships have been for my emotional health and self esteem. I have a lot of wonderful friends and a great support system outside of my family, but this whole thing hurts so much and I’m trying to understand it so I can move on. Thank you for this video. It’s incredible helpful and makes me feel less crazy. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself and being made to feel like I’m a bad person. This was inevitable though. I now feel free of the chains, but I’m trying to learn from this.
Huge hugs Lisa. Cutting off contact with toxic family has to be gut wrenching. I think learning boundaries and standing up for ones self with family isn't easy and when we do it doesn't go over well.
WOW I feel like you are talking directly to me!! I recently ended a friendship of over 40 years (with a break in between for the same issues that I somehow thought they would have grown up and out of). Thank you for defining exactly what I’ve been going through (literally every point you covered I’ve experienced with this person). I felt bad when ending it at first but now I feel a freedom and weight lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for hitting the nail on the head of this issue for me; I feel validated!
I’ve found that healing my childhood wounds has caused me to grow apart from most longtime friends. Completely understandable to me but not so much to them. 🤷🏼♀️
That's happening to me. I'm gaining more self respect though.
Same here
Deeply appreciate adult friendships being discussed. Love your ability to comb through a variety of situations. You hit a bulls eye when you spoke about the feeling like I can't be anything more than a casual aquaintance. I want to be my authentic self because I like who I am. I'm giving too much and there's little balance. One needs to see the red flag if you start to wonder if a friend even likes you at all. That's not a friend. I have no desire to ever want to point this out. I feel like I want to slink out the back door. No drama, no trauma.
Informative and very helpful. I feel good that I made the right decision to end two friendships that felt increasingly toxic. Lack of respect and hearing endless cycles of small talk that doesn't help build a meaningful friendship just don't work for me.
About a year ago a 50 year friendship I had ended , and at first I was feeling bad about it , I even tried to reach out several times to see if we could patch things up , but the more time that passed and the more I thought about it I realized that I've been feeling good that it did end , because for some time I was seeing a great number of the things you're describing here , and there were plenty of times when knowing he was coming over for a visit that I literally became ill in anticipation of having him in my home , I no longer have to listen to how great and wonderful his life is and how mine sucks , or how much money he's throwing around town when he knows money is a issue for me , I no longer have to hear those little innuendos he'd make and I'd pretend I didn't , I don't have to be taken advantage of when I needed cash to make it to the end of the month and instead of loaning me a few dollars he would want to buy the few good things I had left , thank God I was able to get everything back before this so called friendship went belly up , I don't have to hear him telling everyone the punchline to a joke I was telling so I wouldn't get the laugh , if he wasn't the center of attention he'd make sure you weren't either .
There's an entire litany of red flags over the years , and at least for the last twenty years I've felt he didn't have my best interest at heart as a real friend would have , and anytime I was going through a real bad rough situation he would conveniently make himself scarce , he became a fairweather friend rather than a true blue one , and looking back in retrospect I've been so much better physically and mentally since that friendship ended , I just didn't know how to do it , so sometimes what we perceive as a lost friendship is in fact a blessing in disguise .
nobleroman, what u described here, your defriended frnd, could be a narcissist.
I’m very sorry to hear your story.
I ended a 35 year friendship about 3 years ago. Out of loyalty to our relationship, I stuck with her longer than I should have - I suspect you may have done the same. I’ve never missed her and have never had any desire or intention to rekindle our erstwhile friendship - and I wish the same for you too! 😊🇬🇧
Thank you Julia for your inspirational words! This video has really helped me decipher, whether or not a college friendship will be worth saving. I took a break from her for 5-6 years in the past, and then re-kindled our friendship. Now, it is back to the same spot as it was over 15 years ago….all about her and her problems and no time for me. Thank you again!
Walki away quietly. Stop putting in the effort.
I usually just demote people from friend to acquaintance. Then, I start to share less and drift out their life. People know when you were a genuine friend or not.
Thanks for this very useful insights. Some people even if they’re your friends who are narcissists. They talk about themselves ad infinitum. My time is so precious listening to these and I sort of dropped them. They don’t even care to ask how you are. They talk about themselves right away.
Feeling very seen and validated here. I can’t consider people close friend material if they exhibit certain thoughtless and/or immature behaviors, and I also don’t really have time for anyone who isn’t close relationship material. I’m not gonna go out of my way for anyone who isn’t and so, as an adult, there really isn’t any relationship to have if it isn’t going in the direction of more trust and closeness.
This is a great video, thank you. I once broke up a friendship because the person could not handle honesty. We were great friends for 3 years, and everything went great until I talked about things she did that hurt me. She totally flipped out, turned on me, and put all the blame on me. And then she ghosted me. Needless to say, I was glad that friendship was over.
After leaving my marriage I learned that I had slowly been removed from my friends, and I have realized I do not have any friends. So the good thing is I don't need to worry about needing to discard any bad friend/relationships.
You removed yourself.
@@terilouder8711 would be hard for you to say.
Good for you! ❤
Learning to enjoy my own company is the best gift I've ever given myself.
Wish I'd had this list years ago. Would have saved me a lot of time. I'm having a hard time finding reliable friends now but would rather be alone than put up with the critical and one-sided ones I had before
Very well said.
@ Earth Wilson I would rather be alone than have friends too. As a matter of fact I only have 2 friends
Many negative people or people don’t want to put in efforts.
I have just two close friends. However, one lives several states away from here. No, 'couple friends' whatsoever!
I was once in a position to counsel a person on their relationship with their
family. I really only remember mentioning something that came to
my mind at the time. Poised with some question concerning their relationship with a particular family member,
I remember simply asking them, -
"Were this person not a member of your family, would, or is this the sort of person that you would have as a friend" ? Any relationship should be nurturing. If it is not, cut it loose.
There is no such thing as an 'obligatory'
relationship. Period.
All of the above. This is why I have no friends! I used to put up with a lot.
I just ran out of tolerance for all the selfish, rude, etc behavior.
If you feel worse after interacting. If they are never there for you even just an ear to listen. You don’t owe anyone your time.
We must bring a toxic friendship to an end.because it will always open the door to destroy your life, marriage. Goals
Very true indeed.
I’ve had that feeling that I just don’t like myself around that person. It’s hard to describe. I find myself saying negative things. I feel competitive or that I have to defend myself or that I’m less than others. The person brings out the worst in me.
I am becoming very selective as of late as to what I allow and who I allow in my energy field and life. If its a person that does not elevate me, someone that provides growth, or has toxic behaviour its a no for me
Excellent❤
Had to recently let a 40 year friend go. It was getting too one-sided on my part. I am tired of reaching out with no reciprocation. It is taxing for me. I've recognized it's time to go.
I just ran across your site today and subscribed! I think people change and people come and go during your lifetime. Letting go can happen just naturally with both parties, or it can be an intentional effort. After learning about narcissistic people, it helps you to know who you can trust and to let into your life, and who should remain in your life. It just happens with growth.
I’ve been struggling with a friend and I really needed someone to explain these things to me. Thank you.
Sometimes people need to let go of us too
And they move on from us
Which is fine
Goes both ways 😊
Said very well! 👍
Agree... the boot can be on the other foot. nothing is permanent, and if you dont feel up to giving back to a friendship enough for what ever reason, ( you change, they change, you are feeling like being alone more... ) then that is ok, but you must expect to be booted and that is fair. Also, to a degree, every one is self serving.
I like this one. Many years ago a friend drifted away from me she was very religious i at time had lost my faith so we drifted apart. Distance of miles also a factor.. I hope she is happy and well as she helped me out of a very traumatic situation. One of the good ones.❤
I like that you pointed out the nuance in one-sided vs being the one to initiate. I am more introverted in general and am also stressed with work and school which means I do rely on my friends to call me up, and I'm grateful when they do. I will make time to hang out with them. I also offer to help with logistics, paying for things, etc. One sided to me means they just cant ever be bothered and won't ever make time, and sometimes they tend to mooch off of you
This recently came up in my feed and you are so SPOT ON! I had FOUR friends who fell into the categories you mentioned; and I stopped bothering with them not too long ago. I stopped answering emails/texts because that is the only way these people would reach out -- NEVER, EVER an actual phone call (unless they accidentally butt-dialed, ha-ha!) I kept hanging on because I thought it was "me." I kept racking my brains trying to figure out why they were so close to their other friends and I was "odd man out." One actually had another friend who borrowed $2K from her, never paid her back, and still this friend was higher on her priority ladder than I was. Since I gave up on these fake-friends, new ones came into my life, effortlessly. I feel more whole now. I am 60 and it's not hard meeting new friends, it just might take some time. Just get rid of the old energy and watch the magic happen! ❤
I left a friendship for the first time recently. I felt manipulated for quite a while. Something just felt off. Then she asked a couple sensitive questions about my kids. I felt like she was phishing. Since it was a long distance friendship it was a clean easy break.
It definitely still affected me. Embarrassing that I had such needy insecurities on display for a predator. Then second guessing myself if I was interpreting things incorrectly. At the end I just decided family first, end of story.
Good choice. Flush several times to wash them far away to wherever poop goes.
I recently basically told a very close friend that I needed space for so many of these reasons. Overall I constant felt really bad about myself when I was with her. I tried to address it more than once, but she just didn't change it. Then she didn't recommend me for a job I really wanted at her place of business after numerous conversations about how she would. It became clear that I was willing to show up for her in a way she just couldn't for me.
Thanks. Very useful! Especially when you’re feeling ambivalent about a long-standing friendship and you can’t decide whether to continue or end it.
I recently ended a long time friendship with a man I had known since college. His lying became more frequent to the point I didn’t believe anything he said. It is painful because I knew him for so long and now we don’t speak anymore. Thank you for this video Julie Kristina it was a big help!
friendships can be tuff, but 9 times out of 10, family relationships can be even more difficult.
it’s not just friends that can be 1 sided, family members can be like it as well.
Thank you for this topic. I've come to your video a year after you posted it.
Lately I've been challenged by two longtime friendships. We are getting older. One of my friend has suffered a few bad falls and consequently has a brain injury that's taking time to heal--she's aware of her personality changes and can talk about them, but it can be very difficult at times. She has a lot of anxiety, and needs to control our conversations.
My other friend is having memory issues--she's aware of it, but also seems to be somewhat in denial. At times, she gets extremely frustrated and even angry. Recently, I notice her taking that anger out on me, usually in the form of insults disguised as jokes. We've been traveling together a lot, but the dynamic has deteriorated, so think our traveling days are over now.