Narcissistic Parents | The Signs
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 เม.ย. 2024
- Learn more about narcissistic parents here: my.medcircle.com/3q97pmV
In our first episode of the series, Dr. Ramani breaks down how to spot the signs of narcissism in a parent. Our relationship with our parents is perhaps the most impactful, since it shapes us from such a young age. Dr. Ramani breaks down the signs your parent is a narcissist and what to do about it.
According to world-renowned narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the majority of us have at least one relationship with a narcissist - and these narcissists take an absolutely debilitating toll on our mental health and emotional health. Additionally, most people make serious (and avoidable) mistakes when trying to navigate these relationships.
#Narcissism #Relationships #MedCircle #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #narcissisticparent #narcissisticparents #narcissist #narcissistic #narcissists #toxicparents #mentalhealthawareness #toxicparenting
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Have you dealt with a narcissistic parent? Let us know in the comments below - we want to hear your story.
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My father was a narcissist. I had to cut him and a lot of my family out for many years. I went to see him one last time before he passed in 2015. I was blessed to hear him say "I went about things the wrong way".
I have also watched the damage within my stepson from his NPD mother. It has made him unsafe to have in my home. I pray he removes himself from her toxicity at some point and gets help healing.
Their image is more important than ANYTHING or ANYONE. I am so thankful mine are dead.
I believe my mother is narcissistic, she uses guilt, blame, humiliation, etc to get me to behave and keep an image that our family is flawless. She uses emotional currency to guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do. If I don’t comply with her demands (which are usually ridiculous demands that show she is committed to maintaining her image) she will cry, threaten to sever our relationship, or shame me and guilt me by reminding me of how many sacrifices she made for me.
Don't get me started. This is the best video on this topic I have found so far.
@@MamtaNarang Trump is the best President US and your leaders (Obama, hillary etc) and media said the best things about him till he joined politics. You are a sucker
There needs to be a field of psychology called "Re-parenting Yourself."
It does this would be good
The closest thing I've found to that is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
@@theprousteffect9717 Thanks! I read a little about it. The goals of therapy sound fine, but I can't quite understand how the therapeutic method gets you there.
Self validation.
Only problem with self validation is that it could easily lead one down the path of becoming a sociopath without knowing it.
The saddest thing it's when you live with a narcissistic mother and can't get out of that situation because you're still not financially indipendent from her 😭
Yeah...
current situation, and i'm sick and tired of the constant push-pull of emotions with her. at some point you just have to stop engaging them. i dont wanna hug you, i dont want your apology.
Current situation x2
This is me right now!! finding childcare is hard and she only helps me a little to bring in a little bit of money ..
Current here.
I have an autoimmune disease and ever since I moved out of home and went zero contact with my entire family I've been so much less sick. It was actually astounding to watch how my body healed itself once that stressor was gone.
@@tailgatecarpenter26 Right!? I went to a new rheumatologist recently too and he said that while I definitely had an autoimmune disease I might also have/have had a neurological disorder caused by extreme stress which made my brain think that I was sick so it made my body sick. I was like to my partner (who is a doctor) "So my family really could have been making me sick?" He wholeheartedly agreed with my rheumatologist.
Just absolutely mental to me that abuse can do so much to a person. Doesn't even need to be physical for you to suffer physically.
Ugh, it's good you could heal! My narcissist mom did nothing but add to my stress while I dealt with cancer. I didn't ask for or receive help- I did get attempts to one-up me, and lots of downplaying of what I was going through and tantrums when I told her I no longer has the mental or physical strength to be her so called "shoulder to lean on" (aka 24/7 dumping ground). At one point during chemo she gave me the silent treatment because I set a boundary, in it was the best, most relaxing time in recent memory... I could literally feel your message.
My dad (who was fortunately my rock and stable parent) is going downhill fast. When he's gone, I have a feeling things are going to come to a head. After receiving nothing for over thirty years, I'm really not looking forward to having what's left of my life sucked out of me. (Sorry for rambling- your post really struck a chord. I'm lucky to be alive and I want some peace... You're very brave and strong, and I wish you well!!)
Yep, having MS myself I can back you up on that
@Luke Szweziuk Crazy that isn't it? Makes me wonder how many less sick people there would be out there if we didn't have to endure abusive families.
I hope you've found a good balance with yours that keeps you in a healthier state. :)
The people who claim to be there for you will break you emotionally. Family sucks.
The sad thing is this type of abuse isn't considered domestic violence. It's destroying me but I have no rights
Please stay strong. I know it is hard. I'm proud of you for educating yourself. If I had known some of these things when I was a teen, it might have saved me from self harm.
Please look at the coping skills for people dealing with NPD parents. Find ones that you feel you can implement.
One of the most important skills I learned was not responding to my NPD parent's comments & insults, trying to bait me into getting upset and make me start yelling. You will see it called "GRAY ROCKING". I was VERY reactive - but learning to just let her say crazy things without responding - it confuses my parent and it doesn't give her anything to work with.
Please be careful - don't tell your parent you "know what they are" or try to get them to change. One of the hallmarks of these people is they hate criticism and use attempts to confront them to attack you.
Take care of yourself & quietly plan how you can get away from the parent or at least distance yourself ASAP. And know you are not alone - I am sorry for what you are going through. You are a worthy person with thoughts & interests that deserve cultivation. ❤❤❤
In the UK and the US, as well as many other countries, emotional abuse is legally considered to be a type of domestic abuse. I recommend you gather any sort of evidence you can of you feeling coerced, threatened, controlled, or gaslit, and keep a diary/note every time you find it happening, as the mind has a tendency of blocking out trauma and it’ll really allow you to see the whole picture. You can keep a hidden folder in your camera or better yet get the special calculator app that looks and acts like a normal calculator except when you put in a special code that’ll allow you access to your hidden photos/files. The justice system everywhere is flawed but you can keep evidence for your own peace of mind and so you have your sanity every time you, them, or anyone in your life questions the extent of what is happening.
@@jspaingreene6350 thank you so much, I relate a lot to the things you said, this is so difficult. As soon as I can get away I am packing my bags FOREVER. Wish me the best, and thank you for being so kind and wise
Let me say I am extremely sorry you are experiencing tragedy. Do not let it destroy you. Let this open your perception to what the world is and will be. Learn something from this tragic time in your life. It is impossible to be old and wise if you have not experienced life in depth. The experience you are living will be a story for a young soul to hear and strive on someday. You as the amazing human being you are, have been selected to experience this realm of existence called earth. As I type this, we are floating on a dirty rock ball floating around a spherical fire. This is your journey, the good and the awful, what will you do with it? Would will you do with your future?
Hang in there.
As painful as it was, growing up with a narcissistic mother has shaped me to vow in life to never be like her.
Me too!
Now you can love your daughter how she should be. 💗
but still growing up with a narcissistic mother can become a BIG impact to some of her child like my narc ex.
That's my greatest fear
Same with my father
"Around 90% of people raised by a narcissist will walk around with the mindset that 'I'm not enough' for the rest of their lives." When I tell you this hit home--
I’m in that 90% 😔
Me too 😔
U don’t have to stay that way y’all, no one is perfect , u can be from that 10% too , u can be happy duck everybody else , mistakes are best teachers
😭
At 64 I am at my lowest low
I was raised by a narcissistic mother and it took me 27 years to realize that her behaviour had a name and that it wasn't just me who was a bad daughter. Nothing I could have done or still can do in this lifetime will ever be enough for her. She will never love me and that's OKAY. It's sad how much work I have to do to reparent myself and to unlearn all the toxic things she told me I was. I have never even had access to therapy so these videos have saved my life. Our power lies in knowing what's happened to us and how to heal. Dr Ramani... I owe to you my life!
I disagree with the 80-20% men-women rate of narcissism.
Women are generally more agreeable and instinctively more strategic with their decisions (they have to be as child-bearers because poor decisions can result in a failure to thrive or even the death of their offspring) so they tend to be superior at managing their emotion and inage in a manner to put themselves in the best possible light (just look at the difference in use of makeup, heels, cosmetic surgeries, waist trainers etc, between the sexes) so whatever study it was that deemed the percentage of men to women narcissists, i would suggest was incapable of truly collating the commonality.
Looking through the comments here, barely any, from female and male commenters, are about male narcissists. They are nearly all about mothers (yes the lady spoke about the significance of ‘impact’ which does explain this partly).
My point is that women put far greater energy into seeming nice, likeable, well mannered, with the goal of approval, than men do, and only in their most comfortable zone, with the people who pose no threat or no opportunity for gain (their partners, closest friends/family and their children), will they actually drop the act.
Yes, i am saying that the 80-20 ratio is BS but of course i have no data for this beyond anecdotes. In my experience, the female ego and narcissism is more powerful than the male’s, i just think men are less subtle and more direct in acting on their desires/needs whereas women achieve their (ego) needs in a far more subtle way that to many, is not easily noticed.
These types of women often dislike me because i am not a sycophant and where they exhibit behaviours that if a man did, he’d be challenged, i will equally challenge the women, but in the group, it makes people so uncomfortable because they are so used to downplaying the aggression of the female ego and giving them a pass, a pass that they wouldn’t give to their male counterparts.
I mean, i get that it is a primitive sexual instinct of impressing/pleasing a female mate (exhibited by nearly all species of male animal), but we are surely above being slaves to our ancient instincts and to me, equality is about equal rights for all, but also equal responsibility.. Right?
Also, it’s great that you are healing and Ramani is an amazing mind and a special soul
I feel so glad for you. You are still very young!!! It took me up to 46 years to reach the same conclusion.
Exactly same words I would put down here just i realized so late when I was 45
too me 40 years to realize how my mother was i didnt see it till the end still doing it shes really bad now you could be on your death bed or with a broken foot and she say drive me here oh you cant and get mad at you for it then turn the blame on something like you never do this that etc
She is so right. I always thought my Dad was "difficult." I didn't realize how different my childhood was compared to everyone else.
Same! I thought it was normal 😢
Difficult is word used by people observing the situation and not doing or caring enough to help you as a child stuck with this monster
I'd bet we have more similarities then differences, the details may differ but we definitely share in a similar pain. I remember realizing the same thing when I saw how nurtured my friends were by their parents. Id prod and dig at them to tell me about any violent moments they might've experienced and they always had nothing specific, unlike me. What a wake up call.
Me too;)
EXACTLY same!!!
Narcissistic parent can be extremely manipulative...they can turn your own relatives and your loved ones against you.
Yes they can lie with straight face snd open eyes and dont even own upto their faults and think theyre always right , theyre disgusting
I literally hate my mother for this. She makes me out to be this terrible person to everyone around her but soon as I pull her card about her wrong doings she’s used that “mother” title as a cover. She is pathetic. A wanna be victim. Tasteless.
@@janayab.7249 described my mother,i thsnk to her my suicide thoughts.
‼️‼️
True..my dad did that. They play victim as if you're the bad child and they're trying their best and nothing you do will ever trump the lazy, less productive golden child.
Yes. They say Narcissist's had a bad childhood, but so did we. We had such a bad childhood we fear authority, panic, have anxiety problems.
We had bad childhoods and still we aren't assholes parents!
@@aviniciussouza100 The various other issues too can and do present problems for others, if they are close enough. Much less intentionally, though, and with perhaps less awareness of it, too.
For example my mother could spend a lot of time away from home, making her neglectful, also giving her, her 'pat on the head' and repeating her childhood patterns of wanting to be away from home to avoid her violent mother/father neglect. She didn't want to repeat their worst parts.
In so doing she rushed straight into repeating the neglect role of her father with her kids.
She wasn't an 'asshole'. She still managed to be one, to her kids, though.
To the point other families, plural, extolled her virtues, as second mother, at her funeral. If that gives any impression as to how present else where she was vs negligent and missing for her children.
Damage in the root, too often presents like a family demon, once in there. One will either learn to defeat it for onesself, or , all too easily, pass it to the children. Dysregulation is dysregulation. The first part we all notice is how it affects ourselves, it can take a bit more to see how we are, with it, affecting others.
Other than the childhood part, its, too often, not as simple as victims and victors.
We can try not to be. We can try to learn and do better. We can be more open, forthright and honest. Not so sure about not being an asshole though. Just hope that if I can straighten myself out enough that I think I might even want to be a parent, that I do not repeat any of it.
Parrotshootist climate change = adopt an older kid if ya gotta parent
what about lack of brain chemistry serotonin, dopamin, endorfin ? does that "calm down" people with ND?
@@kidzinamerica2008 There other hurdles in fair need of leaping over, before I get to parenting questions of any sort.Including adoption vs natural and actual child of my own.
I’m Asian and I grew up with hugely narcissistic parents. Parents who failed to realise that I was an individual with my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. It was all about them, I couldn’t make any decision without it somehow relating to them, I felt so dismissed, I knew I was just a vanity project for them. The toxic upbringing nearly destroyed me but thankfully I had supportive friends who would always listen and take a genuine interest in me, so I could always express myself to them. I would urge anyone with parents like this to move away as soon as you’re financially able to do so.
It's very dehumanising to grow up in that environment. I should have left home as soon as I could fend for myself because by staying all I got was the family house's mortgage lumped onto me to pay off & continued emotional & psychological abuse.
‘A vanity project’ … yes. That is so eloquent and so completely accurate !!!
I too experienced this.
You're one of the lucky ones then, not everyone has those kinds of friendships to fall back on, some of us just end up alone with no one to trust.
@@gokuonice1940Top level vulnerable narcissist comment here. "Oh, you think your narcissist parents were bad? Mine were awful and I didn't even have friends to make me feel better." Narcissism can run in families. My wife and I realised her mother was a covert narcissist after years of verbal and emotional abuse. After researching narcissism my wife realised her grandmother did the exact same thing. Treats her mother the way her mother treated her. And guess what? After learning that, and after 6 years of helping her manage her trauma and never being good enough because her life is SO hard and mine is perfect, I realised she was a narcissist too. I spent years and thousands of pounds helping her but she only ever wanted more and more. If I failed her she'd have a massive breakdown, bawling her eyes out to guilt trip me into trying harder. She never once apologised or accepted my point of view in a disagreement. She'd just argue until she cried and then I'd stop because I felt guilty for "making her cry." Top level technique, I fell for it for years. Only when I woke up one day realising my entire life revolved around her and her emotions did I realise I needed to get out.
@@IshtarNikeI can relate, but in my case its my mom whose my life was all about. I sympathized with her for years until I grew up and realized that she was a covert all along and besides that an enabler to my dad. She grew up in a toxic environment, but what did I earned after all this? Only pain by being an unpaid therapist and a supply for her.
A few days ago, while my mother was yelling at me over yet another thing, she said "YOU TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE". I always felt like she might be jealous and nothing has felt more validating than hearing those words come out of her mouth.
I will not make myself smaller for you anymore, Mom. Watch how much more space I take now.
💐💐💐
“Who do you think you are”, was mine. I keep figuring it out bigger and bigger. Totally relate to your comment.
I’ve had similar stuff, like thinking about I was always her scape goat that she had no money coz I eat too much it’s just fucking sad I relate to you so hard, now I have a job and buy my own food she still continues to borrow money from me
@@artandculture5262 Totally agree and I like to think I defeated my narc parents with no contact. Here is a synopsis. Please give your feedback. th-cam.com/video/5olyczBBKKI/w-d-xo.html
Experienced the same thing and she went as far as trying to kick me out plenty of times. Soon as i found a place and moved out, she’s had an issue with it ever since. She didn’t even want me to move out and now expects us to talk all the time.
At the age of 55, I finally found the strength to cut my parent and siblings completely out of my life.
Sad.
Congratulations. ❤️
You can now take good care of yourself and your feelings/emotions.
::fist bump:: in solidarity
They find out you were a narcissist?
@@enclave2k1 aww, how cute, are you attempting to be clever??
Life is too short to maintain a relationship with anyone who negatively effects your mental health, regardless of relationship title.
True. But it's a lot easier said than done.
I think that children need to have the right to leave home if they feel their mental or physical health is being negatively affected. My parents were both narcissists, my father grandiose, my mother extremely malignant & violent. I was sexually abused by both parents & repeatedly beaten unconscious by my mother. No love or support. My health is destroyed. My brothers were not treated so badly by my mother & still beleive her lies about me. That is very destructive for me, but its not their fault & I do not want to cut them off.
Life is too short and near impossible without any relationships.
And this is very common.
M D sadly people are weak and falsely believe they are the strong ones for staying in toxic relationships
@@soupey I did the same. Best thing for me. Sad to say it, but it's the truth.
I finally learned that the most peaceful way to live with a narcissist family is to;
1) Accept them for who they are because THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.
2) Either let it go (Do not engage) or let them go (Cease contact).
3) Love & pamper yourself.
This 🤗
Do not engage 💯💯💯💯
Well said
Choice #1 or #2??? It's why it's so painful. Both fall way short of "and they lived happily ever after..."
number 1 is so fucking hard to accept
I have both narcissistic parent's. And as grown up person, I admire myself how I survived, as neglected, and child who was beaten, insulted and never feel loved. I admire my ability to be happy with myself.
For a long time, when I was living with narcissists, I used to say, "There is no point doing my best, my best is never good enough."
This is accurate. Something I’ve told myself for years living with my parent.
This is a disease in itself.
Honestly i have worked my arse off to get to were i am, i got onto a HE computing technical support course. My dad is narcissistic af i hate him with all my rage, he would brush everything off as if it was nothing would say im lazy. He has ruined a relationship i almost had and relishes in it every fuckin day that im miserable. For everything to be going well for him it has to be shit for me and he will make sure of it. Its gotten to the point where i hate him so much i want to crack him over the skull so fucking hard with a bat. Im always awake at night losing sleep thinking about how everything should have been and that its gone because of him. A women i really liked is gone because of his narcissistic needs he put me down in front of her and i just didnt have the confidence after to ask her out, she had shown interest in me fo a while but the constant shit he put me through i cant get my confidence back. I will always hate my father, there is nothing he can do to fix the years of misery he caused me, i just want him to suffer like i have. I hope when hes old and frail he rots in an old peoples home by himself. Im tired of him ruining my fucking life. Im not as good with my memory as i used to be and i have been struggling in thevrecent months to think clearly and do well for anything. There is nothing more he can steal from me i hope the day comes when he loses everything and his mind goes to shit
@@revanchist2003 yep. My good ole narcissistic ruined my life as well. See ... I loved someone with my whole soul. Everything was perfect. So asked to put a trailer out in field .so we could still be right next door but have private. Her response.....😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!ITS ***MY***** LAND AND YOU CAN HAVE IT WHEN IM DONE WITH IT*** GOD....... HOW MUCH MORE SELFISH CAN SHE GET!!!!!????? WELL .GUESS WHAT...... TOO LATE NOW....... PARTNER IS GONE .GONE. . GONE..... WOW MOM. REALLY?????????😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠
@@revanchist2003 yes........I hated and still do hate my grandfather. Was one time thought about taking a hammer and just beating his brains out .... for the words he said to me. . Of all days one Christmas day... in front of the whole entire family. He ripped my heart and soul into. ...
With my mom it's the 'I'm never wrong" issue: she'll never apologize, she has a criticism of everything, she's always the victim, gets angry and slams doors, and then goes into the silent treatment. Sometimes it feels like living with a 5 year old. Because I'm her caregiver, I finally decided on a conditional grey rock; I try to do all the same helpful stuff, but I try not to let her get under my skin. It's... difficult.
Omg, she gotten crazy about gardening.. she yelling " going cut your throat " meanwhile acting toddler pulling out plants .. she continually trying control , just take need time out being caregiver
@Christine well said
I thought I was reading about my own mother for a second there...
@@mayasingh2621 then I'm sorry 😔
They are like 5 year olds . I felt I was raised by parents with maturity of 5 year old . It’s ridiculous!
I had a mental break when I went to college and was finally away from my family. I was so focused on being the perfect child and an over achiever. When I was finally on my own I couldn’t handle it. My whole life came crumbling down and I felt like I shouldn’t be here anymore. It was the scariest moment of my life. To lose your sense of self and feeling so hopeless. One comment that makes me emotional is when my roommates mom said something about how bad she felt after hugging me. She said I felt like I needed love…that it was obvious I wasn’t hugged enough.
🤗🥺
I flunked out of college my freshman year. I was so tightly controlled I had no idea what to do with freedom at school. I didn't go to class, I partied and just refused to answer the phone when my parents called.
When you come from a narc family and finally experience love for the first time, it's strange because you have never experienced it before.
Thank God for your room mates mum, she is amazing, and so are you.Your body releases all when you start to feel safe, it's nothing to be ashamed of.Now you can let the healing begin.🤗🤗🤗💅💅💅
My mother's older sister said that same thing. My mother was so bizarre that I was 25 before meeting my aunt & I only met her then because my other aunt waa dying. Anyway, when I got to the hospital, as usual, no hug greeting from "mommy dearest". My aunt upon meeting me immediately said, " Come here, let me hug you." She told my mother she could tell "this child doesn't get enough hugs". I immediately loved my 'new' aunt so much! She had lost her only child at age 9. My mother had 3 children who she resented for being born. How unfair.
I was the scapegoat and my sister the golden child. When I told her how difficult it was for me, she told me how hard it was for her. The survivor guilt she had was equal to the way I felt. That never occurred to me because I thought she always had it better than I did. She didn't. Narcissists leave a wake of sadness and uncertainty in their path.
You very lucky to have had her support...My sister told me to take the "heat" , instead of being there for me...because she wnated it to be my turn to take the brunt of my parents narcissism
As the "golden child", I agree with your sister. I feel really bad whenever I see how my parents treat my "scapegoat child" sibling. I was just a child. I don't even know how to react whenever the abuse happened because I never know it was actually abusive behaviour until I become an adult. Luckily, both of us are out of the house and we're doing much better right now ❤
Literally cried watching this. Was always convinced I was just unlovable, that I was crazy, that I was a bad daughter. But I wasn't. I was being tricked by another human with faulty qualities.
I feel you. My feelings became dense and numb because of being blamed for everything. I couldn't communicate or discuss anything with them. They argue over small petty things and always try to win the conversation no matter what. I always tried to talk them respectfully and politely without blaming but they always fully blame me again.Recently i noticed i became like them so i just stayed away from them. I used to always let them win to avoid conflicts. But now i respect myself more than i care about their feelings. I'm not their parents or elders. They're acting like babies who can't think properly because of their ego and bigotry. I'm not ashamed of not getting along with my family. I've done everything i could , more than lowering myself.
@@samsvma9251 I’m literally in the same situation. :(
Me too both my parents are this way
@@pluf8751 mine too they still are
@@egyptiankitty3 it’s honestly so tiring
I see adult youtubers who have loving relationships with their parents and siblings and I dream about having that happiness. I have a great relationship with my cat.
It’s okay ❤️ if you ever have a children you can give them that happiness 💓💓
I have two Standard Poodles who fulfill all of the relationship needs that I have.
It’s fake dummy
Johnny drinks??
My dog is the most understanding
My mom is a complete narcissist. She is never wrong. She is always the victim. She is extremely manipulative. She cares so much about what others think of her & her family on social media even though she won’t admit that out loud. Walks around talking about how great she is all the time. How much people at work love her, how many friends she has, etc. my sisters are great at ignoring her and moving on, I am not. I fight w her all the time bc I can’t stand her behavior. I feel like it’s ruining our relationship completely. I don’t enjoy being around her at all. Not sure what to do about it honestly, I think having a narcissist mother is probably the worst way to be raised.
exactly relate to this, just a bit different at its paternal issue on my side. keeping holding in there for yourself. I feel like you could sacrifice the world and it's still never enough so much of the time. You know what you have been through and it's valid so hard because the toll it takes is like unseen scars that do still need care and stepping out away from it to install boundaries of disengaging because they just repeatedly emotionally and personally violated. best friends I have found have also been through it and people just wouldn't understand it's almost impossible to explained and would sound like a made up lie it's so ridiculous, toxic and immature behaviour.
You just described my mil. She crossed my last boundary last week. I’ve spent 29 years keep8 g my mouth shut out of respect for my husband. That’s done. She’s out. I’m sick and tired of her behavior and rudeness, nothing is her fault, she never apologizes for her behavior, throws temper tantrums, never takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t care about anyone but herself. I’m done.
You cut her off, it's inevitable. Eventually you won't be able to put an exhausting and toxic person before yourself anymore. It'll take an even larger toll on your mental health and then physical health, you'll be left with almost no other choice but to set the biggest and hardest boundary of all.
my mom is exactly the same. I argue with her constantly and she gets mad because I do not just take her abuse and agree with her completely.
I think being raised by r*pist cannibals is the worst, narcissists are a close 2nd
My own mother makes up lies, stories about me, she even go as far as talking badly about me to people and then she turns around to lie that those people said it. One time we quarrelled because I asked her to stop gossiping about someone. The next time she sees that person, she starts laughing and acting all sweet with the person. Her hypocrisy is sickening
My mother told people that I was mentally very very sick
Sounds like my step MIL.
Having a narcissistic mother is exhausting. At this point I just shut down when I talk to her
Same. I feel drained after a conversation with mine. Nothing positive ever comes out of her mouth.
@@deeznuts__aa yes! Everything is a problem
Same, I used to get into explosive fights with my mom and now I just play along with whatever she's saying, I used to fight for my rights and my dignity and now I just don't have the energy anymore, I'm barely 19
@@lissaguilar9530 remember to get out of the house as soon as you can.
My fights with my mom just end if I shut up first, or she won't stop.
@@MrJoaninhaV sure thing, currently saving some money to get tf out of here
My mother would literally laugh at me and tell me what I was saying is irrelevant and that I sound stupid when I was trying to have a serious conversation with her
I know that one....so horrible...love to u xxxxxx
Same!!
That or a sarcastic "You poor little thing" when you want to discuss how mean and unfair she is with you.
🙄Know that feelin
Maddy Grayson going no contact will help you soo much! I’m 18 and I’ve been no contact with my mother for 3 years and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. It feels like a Boulder has been lifted off of your shoulders. Much love!
As a young teen, still in a very toxic situation, it's nice to know more about the psychology of narcissism, and it's something I can recognise in my day to day life. If you met my mother, you would think she was the best person in the world, because of how good she is at hiding it, and it's so difficult to try and explain it to people.
Went through the same thing and now I'm now 29 years old. My young friend stay kind, stay beautiful and keep your hope. One day you'll be able to break away from the negativity that isn't your fault! Focus on your journey and set goals for your own wellbeing. You'll be okay, more than okay!
You are young and have your whole amazing life ahead of you. Remember you can only break something that is whole. You have so much going for you! Try and stay focused on the bigger picture, your dream and goals.
I understand what you are saying about your mother . My mother is the same way . With my father it was obvious he was a narcissist . My mother would do things intentionally to aggravate my father , then play the victim in front of wittiness .
Prepare as much as you can for whenever you turn 18. Get a job as soon as you legally can, and Save save save. If you aren't allowed to do that for some reason, there are alternatives if you are willing and know where to look. Your friends may not have the necessary maturity to comprehend who you live with, but that is not your fault. Ditch the dating scene and focus on your career, don't count on anyone's validation because that'll drive you Insane if you do.
Just a few things I wish someone told me years ago. I wish you the best. Good luck
All Narcs hide it well - don't question yourself - you are not crazy!!!!!!
I’ve had a client tell me, “you turned out so well considering how bad your childhood was.” My response was that I raised myself in my 20s. Re-parenting is real! When I told her I was NC with my BPD mom she was horrified. I said that she probably didn’t understand it because she had good parents.
Damn this woman is a jewel
dominik ligaszewski Shes pure light ✨
@@emmalove1998 you bet she is🤩🤩🤩 I just wonder how fast she can travel 🤔
Her strength is contagious and spreading, growing....
Yes, and she is beautiful, too.
@Good Vibes thanks, i certainly will
The day I typed "why is my mother a monster" into a search engine changed everything forever. To everyone who found their way here, you did it. You broke the spell, you saw through the lies. You woke up within the nightmare. That's true strength. Stay Strong. 🌹
Tysm 🙌🏽
Beautiful words, thank you.
The day I typed “Why does my mother always blame everything on me and never apologizes for her own mistakes” changed my life too.
Dang tysm. I’m glad I’m not the only one
😭 thank you
I made the mistake of telling my mom. It didn’t end well. It invoked a lot of feelings of shame within her. We do not speak anymore. I accept it for what it is. A few years ago when I began to set healthy boundaries for myself, three of my sisters didn’t like it and we also had a falling out. So now I’m a lone wolf. I haven’t had any holidays yet without my mom. The first few holidays separated from my sisters were tough. I think I adjusted as well as I could. I will continue to adjust without my mom too.
Take care!!! That's hard - good for you for staying strong and removing that from your life!!! Having siblings or other family members that just "put up" with the NPDs behavior is so tough. I'm exhausted from navigating relationships with my dad and brother, having to deal with my mom to be able to see them. I would prefer to just go no contact. Again - kudos to you!!!
I never thought that anyone could describe my childhood in one term, but "scapegoat child" explains everything. I'm so suspicious of people to the point that I'm scared of getting into a relationship, because I fear that my partner will be like my parents. I used to be over-protective of my sister, but sadly she grew up to be a narcissistic adult.
The number of views on this video tells a lot about so many people who are still struggling and looking for signs to confirm they are not just ‘over reacting’.
Yes and lockdown has given us the time to look back and self analyse all that we have gone through 🥺🥺
Especially because parents tell you ure the one whos wrong
@@zoop1921 ..I am AFRAID ..THAT is one of the needed mercies of it.!
X ;)
🤧
This is exactly why I came. Thank you:
The saddest thing is we think every parent is like that, and that moment when we realise it's not, that will hit hard, like questiong your whole life.
Finds out you've been suffering your whole life, like me
Yep. Smacks you right in the faceb
My aunt and uncle have gotten my 18 year old cousin 3 cars or something like that. Two were too damaged in car crashes and all are VERY EXPENSIVE they have no problem with this. My dad told me straight up me that he won't get me a car and I have to earn something in life. My uncle shows his son so much love, gives him things and is so happy for him when he gets more than a 60. My dad says " Good🙄🤦♀️" when I get 100 on all my tests and report cards. My cousin never got a 100 on any report card after 3rs grade. You can see the difference yet my aunt doesn't and will never accept her "saint brother" actually devalues emotion and says it is weak
I realised really young that other people's parents weren't like that but i thought it was because i am unlovable.
@@ibolyakatona8192 Your not unlovable 👍😔 believe in yourself.
The hard part is when you realize you have to play a game...for the rest of their lifes. My mother is a narcissist and with every single year of my life I was trying to get the pattern. When I was little I thought she was going to change if I am just "good" to her. As a teenager that constant struggle grew into resentment and hatred and now in my twenties I finally know it's not me, it's her. (Even though sometimes it's difficult not to feel guitly, especially when she gives me the silent treatment for no logical reason.) The recepy is...be fake, girls. I know it sounds terrible, but it's better than expressing your anger. We all know that this will just result in a storm from her side. So be silent when she attacks you or answer something very light. It will pass faster. I was thinking why would a narc want to attack you when I finally realized it's because when you react they get more attention from you and that validates them. No matter if your reaction is negative, it's still a validation for them and it fuels their low self-esteem. Also, they will never change.
going through this now. on day 6 of giving her the silent treatment
i'll just react less when my father berates me. it'll work him up when i don't give him the reaction he wants
That's what I have been doing but she always tells me “I feel like you don't love me cause you don't spend timed with me” I feel so guilty but what should I do I can't be vulnerable around her it's so so so scary
You’re so right.
100%
Being “not enough” can also prevent you from even trying. Nihilism is a dark place. Fight that insecurity.
I love that she lets herself be so vulnerable that she even admits that feeling. Goddess
Years ago when I confront my mother "gently" about her having narcissist qualities, things got worse. Not only she didn't acknowledge anything, but she also got more furious. Years later and nothing has changed. This made me realized that sometimes you just have to let go.
Omg i did the same! She’s got furious and didn’t accept what I said, to this day we have a distant relationship.
my mom ❤️
I am fearful of bringing it up to my mother... would you advise against it? What would you recommend in hindsight?
This is what i learned today. Perhaps that's why i'm here watching this video and commenting...
My mom hit me when I confronted her.
The most heartbreaking realization is when you finally accept that your parent(s) is(are) simply too damaged and selfish to ever acknowledge your inherent value and love you unconditionally. When you finally accept that in order to remain healthy you may have to completely cut ties with your narcissistic parent and let them go to their grave alone (never seeing them again for your own safety); because each time they are around you all they will do is attempt to use you for their own benefit (whether emotional or physical). Its the saddest thing in the world to realize.
Finally coming to that realisation - Dr Ramani has been a tremendous help.
It's terrible, but it's also an incredibly positive thing to realize what it will take to stop the damage and start healing. First step in a new and positive direction!
So true!
@@namitaatul going through that rn in this lockdown. Is it difficult? A lot. A lot.
Realizing it is very very sad. But you don’t have to cut ties. You can do as Dr. R. says and just covertly understand who they are and expect what’s to come from them and set boundaries such as minimal contact, etc. By the way, Jesus is the answer.
It wasn’t until I discovered the book mothers who can’t love that. I think I realized that my mom never did love me the way I deserve to be and still an ongoing struggle getting my sister to except the fact that our mom isn’t like everyone else mom our mom is a sick person
I feel you
Only people who had narcissistic mothers can relate. Everyone else will judge and say that’s your mother.
This is happening to me right now. I have to stay away from my mother's control.
I had to cut ties with my mother & older sister, too. Once I got past the initial shock, I found happiness & peace like I'd never felt before. ✌❤🙏🕊
Suicide attempt last year. I gave up on life. Mom finally helped me first time in my life by paying my car insurance a couple times. Can't talk to her at all though. I told her I was thinking of suicide before I attempted it, she said " Just do it. You think you're the only one with problems".
SAME!
@@BijuuBerry stay strong my friend. You’re here for a reason, you will do great things once you put your mind to it. Never give up 💪🏼 you got this
@@BijuuBerryhold on ✨
My mom used to tell us how too good she was as a mother that no one of us deserved her. Despite everything I grew up thinking she was our queen, just to look back now and realize she was our villain.
Its like your silently brainwashed to believe in there grandiose facade
Narcissistic mothers are deeply delusional.
Mind blowing isn’t it
Same but with my dad help me
@@melissahoffman9433 nope I thought this was normal.
She must be an amazing therapist. I wish she was mine! She’s so self aware and intelligent.
Same here!!!!
SAME!
Right?!
Join her channel (named after her) and tune into her events
She's ableist and she's speeding false information about mental illness
My mother was a malignant narcissist with histrionic behaviour. I was in my 40s & seeing a psychotherapist who recognized what I was dealing with & loaned me a textbook that had a chapter that described my mother to a "t". My father was so beaten down by her as were we the children. She was very destructive,
I listened to this video and oh my god... My father almost drunk to death because of my mother. We kids left the house as soon as possible and never returned back.
what was the book?
@@carrieherman2782 Not sure what textbook Lishi was referring to either, but I recently found a book that has been helping me to understand my own raging narcissistic mother and describes her to a "T". The book is called "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson." Narcissistic personality disorder co-exists with emotional immaturity. This book is easy to read and understand. It does not bore you with clinical definitions, academic jargon, or statistical data. I've picked up countless self-help books over the years, many of which I never finished reading due to the aforementioned. I'm 62 and still trying to work through the emotional scars of my mother's extremely physical and psychological abuse from childhood. You will never fully heal until you do "the work." I plan on reading the follow-up to this book, "Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy." I believe this is the path I've been searching for. Read the Amazon reviews. The evidence is in the reviews. I hope this helps you on your journey to healing, Carrie. 🙂
@@debdevweb oh... that amazing book! I 75% readed it, i did have a traumatic chilhood (with certainty) and my mother is emotionally inmature, provoking her to have narcissistic traits, ego problems, being manipulative and another things. I know she "isn't all that things all the time", but it's part of her. And I don't care who wants to lie to me, even if it's my family.
She can be pretty abusive If she explodes, justifiying everything with her anger for some little thing I did wrong, but she can be loving and caring if I permit her to be. This caused a great painful wound that im trying to heal from this day. I only have 19 years.
My mother thinks im her personal portable public and another things...
Thank you for this. I cut off from my parents in 2019. Both of them were narcissists. My whole life I was a "not good enough"er. I would visit them once a week, dreading having to see them. I would make a bingo card in my head of all the things they would pick on. I couldn't wait to leave and return to my home. They would remark that I don't visit enough, call enough, but wouldn't accept when I said "you never visit me or call me". Their excuse always was "you live too far away. I'm 5 miles from them, and they come to my town every week to shop.
I could go on.
But needless to say, I'm a whole lot better off without them in my life.
Glad you got the fuck away. They don’t even understand the damage they do to their kids with their words and it’s crazy.
I moved a few states away because I needed to live my life and not be close to them as much and get away from that influence of my mom in particular. My dad always takes my mom's side, but he's a very nice mellow person these days I think he doesn't know what to do, so he stays as neutral as possible. But I'm always criticize. I'm always told that I don't call and she could actually get on the calendar and tells me how many minutes and seconds in days it's been. Who does that? She always says you don't love us you don't call us… But she never calls me and gives me the silent treatment when she gets mad about something we disagree on. It's terrible.
The frustrating thing about narcissistic parents is that its always worse for them... "you think YOU have it rough? I had to drive around my alcoholic mother at 10 years old!" (An actual thing my mom said to me when I was having anxiety about learning to drive)
Its always about them and how they had it worse... you can never be your own person around them.. like you have no feelings or pains or worries or somehow they don't matter.
I had a anxiety or panic attack over troubles in my professional life. My mom was there annoyed my crying made it hard for her to sleep, and eventually bribed me with food to stop.
i was in the hospital on morphine and my mother told me i was “overreacting and everyone has issues” decided to cut her out then and there
I'm on a friend's TH-cam watching this but OMG!!!! Finally trying to create healthy boundaries with my parents has led me to believe my mother is a narcissist who had tried to convince me my father is one my entire life. She just said a couple weeks ago in a conversation I insisted we have before she took my kids again due to her saying that I didn't care about my kids because I called her and started talking about my current custody case with my narcissist ex (life is so rough right now I swear) and since I didn't ask about them - I didn't care. Which she said a month ago so I hung up. Then she said that isn't what she was going to say, I hung up so how would I know. She was going to say some people think I don't care they have told her. And she said it must be a generational thing that I was asking she acknowledge what she did and she never expected her mother to say sorry for everything she ever did and she was way worse than she is and all she ever said was thank you to her mother. Lol. It's insane. I can't anymore. Now she's trying to take my kids from me. It's so crazy this is real life and this is really how parents and people can be.
Yup. It's always a competition and I always lose. I never even wanted to compete. Lol
My heart really broke when she said “talking about it 20 years later is not gonna fix it”.
Laura Ortiz Exactly
Laura Ortiz But will it not? Not “fix” it but have better relations. I don’t think cutting people out is a solution. Some might be open to self assessment and change?
My heart didn't break but it sounded very professional and down to earth
Laura Ortiz it makes you feel helpless, I get it
Reality. Period.
She's absolutely correct about how to deal with narcissistic parents. I always make up conversations in my mind before going to visit my horribly narcissistic dad. I know the pain. Especially it really hurts me as a daughter that i have to be so formal with my own "dear" Dad, who's not dear anymore
I was definitely scapegoated because I was a “threat”. I never understood why. My mother always complained about how much my father loved me. So she ensured that she made my life miserable, but only behind my father’s back. As a child, I was punished for being happy. I would get smacked for smiling. My misery made my mother happy. By the time I was a teen, I learned not to give her the satisfaction of seeing me miserable. It’s messed up.
I don’t engage with her put downs and I don’t tell her anything about my life. Thankfully we live on different continents and I haven’t seen her since we buried my father. But, I make the obligatory once a month phone call.
My mom gets a text... And only because Jesus would.
I hear you. i was also not allowed to be happy, she would take it personally like i was laughing at her misery. so shed just remind me of some sort of horror or sad thing the second she saw me smile or experience joy
Just a friendly reminder: you don't need to treat people special just because they're family. If you want to call her, great! But you don't need to.
You are not obligated.
Omg same here!
My Mother uses her past trauma as an excuse to abuse me and my siblings. This led me to getting into really toxic relationships because I was trying to "fix" the abusers trauma. Thanks Mom.
My mother likes to blame her dad for HER attacking me.
Like I’ve tried to have honest and calm conversations with her and it always boils down to ”Your childhood was paradise compared to mine” or ”Am I the only one in the wrong?”
It's really weird cause my mother tried to say it was her parents relationship that caused her nasty traits but I developed a great relationship with my grandma.
❤️❤️❤️💯
@@tuffguydoe7937 Funny I did the same ,my mother was furious at my relationship with my grandmother.Surpringly I would learn the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Same
I got tired of playing my mother's game. Yes, I'd love to tell her I've got her figured out but that would be pointless. No contact is the hardest and best thing I've had to do.
Exactly.
Good for you! Glad you had the courage and recognized it for what it was.
Exactly!
Me too Cristina!
I called mine out and it was pointless. I am only around her because sometimes my son sees her on occasion. He even complains and is exhausted of my parents after I pick him up. I have completely cut her out of my life. I was tired of the BS.
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for your work. My mom is a narcissist and I went no contact two years ago. This weekend is mothers’ day and I’m having a hard time. I wish I could make sense of it- that’s why I watch these videos. I genuinely can’t even imagine having a loving mother because it never really happened. Even when she was being nice, I have to wonder what her underlying motives were. I am 29 years old and I just recently realized how bad my trust issues are- all because she was so untrustworthy. I don’t know what to do. But thank you more making these videos. They are a source of comfort and validation.
I’m about the same age and also here to pick up the pieces.. both of my parents are narcissistic. I sometimes feel very emotionally cold and empty, haunted feeling. I remember having to self soothe and play by myself as a child, I would either be alone or left with a sitter. Having my parents nearby would give me extreme anxiety due to their physical and mental abuse, even at 4 years old and younger I didn’t want to be around my parents… not normal.
My Dad is a narc and my siblings kept saying. No, he is just racist. Little bit of both. Now I see my mom's role. Needing to fix things and she picked a bad parent/good partner for her as a result. I feel drained dealing with my dad I just ignore him and am now getting told that I'm the cold one from the enablers. That I need to repair things. I have trust issues as well as a result of my dad. The worst thing is.. total denial from both of my parents.
Plan ahead for next year. Schedule in something really nice for yourself to keep you engaged in feeling good.
I love Dr. Ramani. She's my guardian angel. Had I not come across her videos a year ago, I never would have even doubted my narcissistic partner. I didn't manage to exit the relationship unscathed but I am glad that now I am free and healing. She also made me realize that my mother is also a sociopath and it was not surprising I went to date a man similar to that. This knowledge helped dispel my self-doubt, the negative beliefs, self-flagellation and so much more, enabling a less stress and more enjoyable life.
God bless you dr. Ramani, you're doing God's work. Thank you so much!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about my life . No money for therapy , no siblings , friends aren’t very open to talking about their feelings. I don’t want to overwhelm my gf with this stuff . These videos are my help
Same here. Forever alone lol. But the more we can heal, the more I think we can open up and eventually, the more love and togetherness we will experience. I hope. I really really need and long for it. I havent gotten a proper hug for 8 months. Bless and good luck.
Look for free therapy. I don t know if that is a possibility in your country though. Also, maybe you can find an online community where you can talk, a Facebook group or Reddit, maybe? I wish you the best on your journey.
Hey.. can relate to almost everything you're saying because same. So if ever want to talk to another person I could be that person. Just let me know👐
I feel like this too… my brother and sister still live with my mom and are 16 & 17 so they don’t get it… my little brother is starting to catch on. I don’t want to talk to my boyfriend about it because let’s be real… someone who doesn’t grow up in a home like that looks at you like you have 5 heads and 3 mental illnesses … :(
@@itskaylarod You should try to talk to him or someone, if people are empathetic they can still care and listen even if they dont have same experience. I think we are so afraid that people will not understand, atleast I get over sensitive and dont open up. I always thought I opend up but I realize now Im all alone and always been. The longer you carry it it doesnt get better, trust me, good luck, bless
I was never allowed to feel, my mother always took an emotional response as an attack on her, since I was little. I honestly never understood until a therapist uncovered a memory, I was in the school office because I couldn't stop sobbing. I remember my mom getting to school and shaking me, then said into my eyes, "Get your shit together, you're making everyone think I am a bad mother" I took that to heart at 8 years old and spent too much of my life thinking I was responsible for her happiness
A legit reason to ask you to stop drawing attention. People are judgy especially educators of young kids.
Messed up response .
What Mom did was wrong.
Ignore Mr T .
Your Mom was wrong.
My mother thought “ it was tacky “ to cry at funerals!
FYI I cry at weddings , funerals , movies … I knew she was ridiculous!
@Perhaps I needed it the attention I was drawing, it took me getting left unconscious in a field after years of abuse for my mother to send me away. If someone would have gotten involved sooner I probably would have been spared a reasonable amount of suffering. Although I try to believe I am built by my experiences, and I like who I am, I think I would be ok knowing myself without that.
@@shawntomkins1028 just as I thought... your mom probably responded normally the first time and maybe the second and third but at that point she knew the charade you were displaying in front of your teachers at school could be turned on and off if you chose and she was hoping you might stop if you knew that this act you usually carry out in private was now making her look bad
When I left home at 15 I knew my mother was a dangerous violent selfish self pitying nightmare. Only when I came back a few years later did I realize that my father was just as bad They had vastly different styles. Mom was grandiose and filled with rage. Dad was subtle, sabotaging and vindictive. How and why they stayed together is still something of a mystery, but after I left home the veil was lifted and I saw they each had a need to punish the another that could only be satisfied at close range. Unfortunately their kids were always in the line of fire. I really don't know how any of us survived. Some of us didn't.
well, just learned what a scapegoat is and it meeeeeeeee. my younger sister is the golden child and being 10 years older I noticed how the family dynamic was damaging her significantly as well. she came to me to express her admiration towards me and also her deep confusion over why we had to me enemies. that took courage and I so admire my sister for doing at at the age of 14. of course, this was my mothers master manipulation pitting us against each other our entire lives. Endless mind fucks.
I was the golden and was pitted against my older sister as well. Unfortunately I was not successful, my mom was just too much. To this day I still hope to one day have a relationship with my siblings ❤️🩹
Yh then golden child usually becomes a narcissist like both my brothers are because of my mum
the golden child is in prison - i only have pity for them - seen it and can verify it
The dog lying at the carpet quietly is so soothing....Love this episode more with his presense.
Dogsycotin baby!
Exactly! The dog getting front seat to this lovely conversation and sleeping 😂 I feel like it's a dog that receives a lot of love :)
The dog is suffering from a severe case of narcissism. He brings his owner since he thinks that he's the one in need of therapy. He's play sleeping while posing for the video since its all about him.
Yes o!! How do they get him to sleep
Yes! Such a sweet, soothing energy.
When I was around 12 my mom took us to family therapy and basically she and my sister were talking about how bad I am etc. The therapist was like, but you two are older than her, she's not even in high school. We never went there again 😅😅😅. Narc family stories
My dad used to complain to my mom how bad I was at 5-7 y.o. and to blame me for everything that went wrong in his life. He was 40 at the time. I took the blame and became a scapegoat never questioning it, but now I realized that he voluntarily disempowered himself by doing that.
Yes i have been suffering from depression for 5 years and when my parents took to to phychiatrsit and he told theyr the reason i have it and they should stop pushing me to do things they have they were like hes a bad phsychiatrist
@@ollyk7828 When you were 5? Lol. He needs to grow up.
Damnnnn the exact same thing happened to me, and my brother was the one who convinced my parents that therapists are all hoax and they just sympathize to make you feel better
seeyouagain911 Unfortunately, he passed away. I worked on my issues with him and on forgiveness recently, so that we have no unresolved issues.
I'm 28 years old, youngest child of five. I was about 26 before I realized my father is a narcissist. It's unbelievable how blind I was to it before. I had to grow up a lot before I realized what was "wrong" with him. Mine and my siblings' childhood was absolutely insane because of him. It definitely impacted me then, and it still does now, but not as much since I moved away. What's sad is that I know I was my father's favorite, so I can't imagine the true impact it had on my brothers and sisters who weren't as "lucky". Children of narcissists, take care ♥️.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent, a combination of malignant and grandiose. I always struggled with feeling on edge, anxious, and had extremely low self-esteem. I had what I’ve heard called the “doe response” to threats and infringements on my boundaries. I would freeze, and/or try to soothe and placate my victimizer. In my teens and twenties, I was in a series of abusive relationships, and felt a longing to understand what was going wrong, because I felt very acutely that I was missing a puzzle piece of knowledge, that would make this all make sense, and allow me some clarity. That came after I wound up in a psychiatric unit after being brutally abused. A counselor gave me information about the signs of abuse, what abuse is, and gave me a copy of “codependent no more.” That book (it may be outdated now, this was a long time ago for me) saved me. I felt like the author was speaking my story out loud. I worked on my codependency with my counselor, and established a “bill of rights” for myself. A list of non-negotiables that nobody may do to me, ever. That was the beginning of my freedom. With patience, persistence, and consistent work, I grew the ability to respect myself and set boundaries, AND, to see abusers coming from a distance. I learned to trust my judgement and my instincts. I also took a couple of years to myself with no dating. Ultimately, I am now in a healthy, loving marriage that’s lasted for ten years so far. I still struggle with self-doubt, and I have slip ups, but that’s okay. I know the answer will come to me, and I trust myself to stand up for myself and my children. I want anyone reading this who is hurting to know that my heart is with you, and that there is a way out, and up! Just know that you are doing the best you can with the tools you have, and you can always add more, and build a safe and loving life for yourself.
Thank you for sharing this. X
Thank you for this comment.
when you're an only child with emotionally immature parents... scapegoat and golden child and completely lost internally, all at the same time.
Ditto! Almost 60, moved away and STILL got 2 poison-pen letters last week
yes, thank you!! that’s exactly it!!
I feel you😭
Yes!
Oh 100%. Golden child in public, scapegoat, ungrateful, hopeless, argumentative, you name it in private. I found a way out by living with my dad since my parents are divorced and it's an ongoing cycle of relentless coercion from my mom to try to get me back.
Both of my parents are narcissists and my younger brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat child. Im literally crying watching this. Its really eye opening. Thank you.
Same for me
Same here!
I'm so very sorry. It's very painful to revisit a dysfunctional, hurtful past. Been there...
Ditto
I was scaoe goat too....love to u xxxxxxx
Dr. Ramani, you are helping so many people who have fallen victim to these insidious demons! I so wish the legal system would wake up and consider this evil when they hand children over to these abusers. Then they (judges) dare to say it is in the best interest of the children! The children become pawns in a vicious game that destroys them from the inside out. I have seen this first hand. It makes me sick!
what chokes me up is reading the comments. so many of us has thought we were alone with this
i knew one girl in HS and 1 friend who went trhough this and me,,,,,,,,,i thought it was just a latina woman thing
Try telling my narcissistic father that he needs therapy... Oh my.
lol
A narcissist going to a therapist is like a criminal asking a police officer to follow him around for his evening activities.
Me and my mom have been down that route and it didn’t go well to say the least.....
narcissists like to think that they are perfect
telling them you have mental disorder
will make things worse .. take her advice .. just play along .. don't engage with them .. only small talk
@@someone-wi4xl what a disordered way to think and live.. pretty sad
Dogs and cats are incredibly therapeutic in the recovery process from narcissistic parents. Unlike the parenta, animals dont judge you, and love you just the way you are. I cannot imagine my life without animals.
I agree, I have both!
Thanks for writing this. I had an abusive father who was bipolar too. and a narcissistic mother. I was the scape goat child and my sister was the golden child. My brother was a simpleton and mild dyslexic. He did not know to handle my mother who always was " You are not enough " , type even with a A grade scoring, all rounder child like me. Her constant comparisons, judgement, victim play, not taking responsibility for anything she did, blame games made things very complicated for there were constant misunderstandings and fights between us siblings. My brother went into depression, got addicted to alcohol, got into accident and died due to health issues that followed. My sisters life has been spoiled by my mother's wrong advices. Yet being her golden child my sister never realises it. Thankfully I realised it late, but not too late. My animal companions saved me from suicide by their unconditional love. Whenever my mother does something wrong and I tell her, she doesn't speak back. But will go and instigate my daughter, husband and sister against me. My daughter shouts and insults me. My husband shows his hatered by hurting behaviour and subtle expressions of insult and my sister stops talking to me. The narcissistic mother turns every other family member against the scape goat child. And mostly the scape goat child is the representative of the family who is overloaded with the unrealistic expectations of the mother.
At a point of time I clearly realized that my mother never appreciated anything about me and she has been constantly forcing her expectations on me. I would have done many things. But she would always see what was not done. She will eat a sumptuous meal in a wedding and complaint about one dish which was missing!
I'm accomplished and blessed to have a good family. She damaged my relationships. I feel sorry I let this scorpion inside my house. She filled my family member's mind with poison. She is toxic to anyone close to her.
& we refer to them as animals
Narcissist parents buy you pets and then take them away at whim, so you can't even build a relationship with them.
Your spot on about dogs 🐶 they love u no matter what 👍
A lot of respect to you Dr. Ramani for everything you do in pioneering narcissistic abuse in the mental health field and for being vulnerable enough to be real with all of us about who you are and your own feelings of "not enoughness" You have helped me tremendously and I really appreciate all that you have done for me. Much love to you!
1 min 40 seconds in and she has me balling I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so validated. Thank you! I hope to pay it forward and help someone else going through this. God bless anyone going through this I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 😭❤️
You’re not alone!
@@renee3814 ❤❤❤
The mental health community doesn’t talk about this because there’s a lot of narcissism in the community in our therapists and our psychiatrists... 😕
Have to agree
Very true.
The Big Problem is:- When we relate what the narc has been up to, it's so unbelievable, that people just don't believe it!! That's why we MUST get this knowledge out there, particularly to Child protection, police and so on!!
Agree completely
Yikes
The level of relaxation in that dog is everything and more
In my family it’s my mother. To the extent that my mother prevents my Dad to console us when we are hurt or reprimanded heavily by her. There was no balance. And in most instances, she demands that Dad takes her side and therefore tipping the scale heavily on her side. There was no balance. I’m the end, and I speak for myself, I resented her most of my life. Despite that, I also tried to understand her, but she’s very difficult to deal with. She uses guilt to manipulate. Never did she say, “ I understand how you feel. “ I have never heard my mom say that, ever!!!!
Have you read “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”…will I ever be good enough? So powerful. Dr Ramini gives the foundation of where it all comes from.
My mother's a narcissist. Life was hell as a teenager, i had suicidal thoughts. She made me believe i was useless and worthless, we children of narcissistic parents don't understand what unconditional love is. All my life i've struggled hard with everything, but done amazing stuff, travelled, been part of great art projects. And i still feel that i haven't achieved anything, that i'm worthless. I left home when i was 17 and the country when 19, far from her. I'm 39 now and on my path to heal from the hell i came from.
that's so good!!! glad you managed to do this 👍
Do you often try and get in touch with her again?
@@silkek6357 We communicate through whatsapp, messages aren't personal. We exchange photos of the trips or places we see. My healing process is slow, I'm still not sure if the best is to cut ties, i set boundaries so she's been able to not have a say in my life, but maybe she's bidding her time. We're in different countries though. I go through mourning the loss of a mother I never had and the childish unconditional love of a child towards her mother.
@@reindeerspirit thanks got your reply. I can feel your pain. And I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard knowing what to do.
Youre not alone. The word “worthless” was thrown at me many times… if it wasnt so sad, it’d be comical that someone is so out of touch that they think that its ok to communicate that message to a child.
Best of luck to you!
The dog is like, yesh, am so glad my mommy and daddy were doggies, yesh, yesh, yesh.
OneThrough8 . Is it just me, but it appears as though the dog on the floor is neither moving, or breathing.
🤣🤣💗
LOL
hahahahaha...yesh, the dog has a better life than most of us narc kids for sure :)
😁🤗😂
I nearly fell into that trap. I was unaware of how much I’d self abandoned and oblivious to my parents issues. Im so thankful I went to uni when I did so I could get out and experience what life should be like before the narcissism was locked in for good. Im 21 and in therapy, aiming to end the generational cycle.
Seriously you fixed my constant depression and my health problems, i feel better than I have felt in a YEAR from watching your videos. I'm so grateful and I will continue trying to be a better person and work on any narcissistic traits I might have inherited !
"Narcissistic parents will make u the criminal of their life and they are the helpless victims" - is the worst truth the society will believe forever.
I wish I could make the whole society go through narcissistic relationships. They would realize the pain then.
👏👏
@@SaiBaba-re4rj so true
It’d be nice nice if no one had to go through it
Well only to people who will never put themselves in our shoes
My mother is a narcissist. And I'm miserable as a result, for the longest time. It's just so so much stress.
sydmmr1985 I’m so sorry. It’s the absolute worst. Take refuge in friends. Make them your family ❤️
@@angieb8089 thank you!!
Now you know at least what caused the hurt. The rest is on you now, you got this bro 👊🏽
@@natsumilorusso8606 thank you!
I agree with Angela's comment! 'Take refuge in your friends': that is what I have done, with (living with) my Narcissistic mother, and having a half-sister the same (who really hates me).
I'm learning more and about this. Growing up was a real struggle. Mother is a narcissist. I was never good enough. And was never allowed to draw a line she should not cross. She would just totally ignore it. "Because I am your mother"
Its really scary (bc its true) narcissistic mothers tend to be more impactful in the family and their toxic behaviors can catch onto others quite swiftly like its validated or something
True my older sister follows on her steps the same way and treats me the same
Do you have a study that this claim is based on? I think narcissistic mothers are impacting however the father being narcissistic in some areas reaches the extent of being more impactful
I had a narcissistic single mother growing up.. and it SEVERELY impacted me up until I was a full grown adult. I have since learned to distance myself from her now.
B D Smart!!!
I'm forced to live with my narcissistic mother due to having a long list of health problems. My worst is my mental health. I have BPD because of my mom. :( I was never good enough & everything was always my fault. The mantras in my head have always been *I'm not good enough & everything is always my fault!*
:( It's so true about the validation. For example if I wasn't ever giving my mom enough attention then I'd get punished, yelled at, put down or she'd ignore me till I apologized.
I'm
Struggling with that now
@@littlemonster2483 I feel you I'm 27 still living with my narc mother because of unemployment and it sucks. I get treated like a house servant, but even as a child I had to clean, cook, dishes the way my mother wanted, and now as adult nothing different because well since I am not getting an income and if I don't do the chores the way my mother wants.. All hell breaks loose.
B D same here. so sorry to hear.
You know you're making progress when the narcs become irrelevant to you.
That is the very word I say to myself when he's trying to torture me. Irrelevant. He is irrelevant. Better than swearing.
YES!!!!!!
Yep. That nails it 👍🏾
truthmerchant1 but the sad part is when it’s your mum/dad because leaving them in it’s self is another kind of guilt and pain
TRUTH !
The turn around is when my siblings and I finally talked about it and prevented a united front, "this ends now". It was divide and conquer my whole life.
So I had narcissistic grandparents and unfortunately I was the "golden child". I was praised and upheld as the standard compared to my sibling who was always chastised and punished disproportionately compared to me when we were in my grandparents' care. They only cared about achievements that fit in with their values and they were highly controlling - with food, our time, limiting our freedoms, preventing access to mainstream tv or pop culture. I'm glad we got out of there and we haven't had contact for about 15 years, even though the last time I spoke on the phone with my grandparents, they asked if I was still "slim"! They were more concerned with my physical appearance than my happiness.
Exactly this!
My grandfather is a narcissist and a American Muslim. He always made me feel bad about being a lil overweight as a kid. I couldn't eat the same portions of food as my cousins. He would always have his wife make me a portioned out plate. That always left me hungry through the night. When I hit teenage years and started to slim down and lose my baby fat, he then started to chastise me for wearing short sleeve shirts or shorts around him. He said I was being disrespectful for exposing my skin around him. But he never acted this way with my girl cousins or the boys in the family. I started to realize no matter what he was always gonna criticize me about whatever for any reason. I could never be myself around him and I don't talk to him now as an adult. He made my self esteem very low and I hate that my mother made me spend so much of my childhood with him.
@@kye2396 So many similarities! Religion also played a large part in the control my grandparents exerted over us. I think narcissistic people will use whatever tools they have at their disposal to belittle and control those around them.
@@kye2396 was he an immigrant? If it's the case, there's an explanation for that behaviour in other cultures (this has nothing to do with islam by the way): if your female cousins were slim, then "showing skin" isn't an issue but if you are curvy, he'd ground you because... his protective instincts will kick in, he was basically afraid that you'll get too much unwanted attention... so he was basically aknowledging your BEAUTY comparing to your female cousins.
Just for the record, I have a narcissistic father, like a texbook one and I happened to be that "golden child" but I was "deposed" after I didn't realise his grandiose plans as an adult. I'm also from Morocco (Africa) and in our culture, it's the same dynamic about "curvier" teenagers (now times have changed but it wasn't the case when I was growing up, I'm 34 years old now), they don't use the right words but once we become adults, we "understand" why such stuff were told to us and sometimes, as an adult, you get to hear the explanation when the teenager isn't around, because they don't want to "break your innocence" and they do it wrong, by saying hurtful things.
My intention isn't to disregard what you went through, it's a different insight that you might consider, especially if it was only about that...
@@Ssookawai No, he wasn't an immigrant. We're "African Americans", but he bases his life off of Islamic cultural principles such as what you explained. I understand what you are saying. I would agree to say that is true but my cousins were curvier and they were actually promiscuous, when I was still very much innocent and shy to even talk to boys. I think it had something to do with how obedient and respectful I was to him compared to my cousins who were very much vocal and they had no problem speaking out against him or telling their parents who would come to their defense. It's like he had a weird attachment and possessiveness towards me, that made him treat me different and more aggressively when I rebelled.
Facing my mom everyday like I'm in the battle.. I got to prepare myself for argument that I'm not good enough make myself sad and exhuasted... and she's hypocritical and very toxic that I don't want to be near
You are in a battle.
THIS!! I feel like I'm always in constant fight or flight mode. It gives me anxiety not knowing what she's plotting or going to do or say next. Its literally the worst feeling and no one understands. You really do feel like your always mentally preparing for the next fight, cause they always come back for more.
@@ha8236 you have to stay battle ready and live in emergency mode
@@t.h.8475 its draining to be that way though, you just want to switch off from it all.
I felt like my mom never validated anything I liked.She never encouraged me to pursue anything I was passionate about or gave me any support in my hobbies etc.
My mom and dad are actually like this they didn’t even go to my college graduation because they simply “didn’t feel like going” . Love yourself and validate your interests and most of all your own emotions!
Both my parents were narcissists.....meeeen living in our house was hell for us..no play no friends books and books.....it was baaaad.
Psalm 118:17
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.
Matthew 7:6
Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.
Job 39:13
The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully.. she lays her eggs on the ground, unmindful that a foot may crush them. She treats her young harshly as if they were not hers for God did not endow her with wisdom or give her a share of good sense. Yet when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider.
Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Revelation 21:8
But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars-they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death.
2 Samuel 12:15-22
David prayed to God for the sick baby. David fasted and refused to get up or eat. On the seventh day the baby died. Then David went into the Lord’s house to worship. After that he ate. "But now that the baby is dead, I can’t bring him back to life. Someday I will go to him, but he cannot come back to me.”
Numbers 20:15
Our ancestors went down into Egypt, and we lived there many years. The Egyptians mistreated us and our ancestors, but when we cried out to the Lord, he heard our cry and sent an angel and brought us out of Egypt.
Job 8:7
Although your beginnings were small, your future will be very great indeed.
Revelation 21:4
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”
My mom only wanted me to pursue that passions that she liked.
The worst part in this is that when I excell in something they didn't think I would, she'd take her share of credit by saying she provided me with the resources (mostly financially) though I don't request it.
But that is the only thing she can repeatedly brag about. That she fulfilled her financial responsibilities.
Living far away and managing expectations has been key for me. It still hurts sometimes when she’s so very clearly in her old habits but overall seeing the situation so clearly and having my own sense of worth has made it manageable.
It’s definitely like living with an insecure 5 year old. Petit comments, lashing out, always about her, complete selfishness, inability to see her children’s true feelings, always making it about her, always making it about her trauma,... it’s exhausting.
Just the lack of really seeing her children is the sad part. Because she’s too scared of how it will make her feel.
Always putting on a show to others, raising her children constantly calling them crazy and that they’re screwed up.
It’s so sad. She’s done it to three of us but presents to the world we are a perfect family, always showing off about us. It’s all fake.
Sad really but now as an adult I can see it clearly and set boundaries.
Last time I even attempted to share honestly with her she called me pathetic. My partner heard and was shocked by her reaction. Sadly it’s just the norm.
X
There are certain times where I am genuinely confused by my father’s behavior because he does exhibit these traits while being generally empathetic but not when it’s directed toward my mother and I.
Yessir thank you 🙏
she is so right. there is no point in trying to "instruct" these people or tell them who they are . . .
Learned that too late. Cost me a big part of myself, a lot of time, nerves and energy.
True. I've worked with a co worker that was extremely narcissistic and every time I poked his ego or tried to call him out he'd just fare up lol
Authority must be obeyed, or it must be overthrown!
So if you can't win, at least act nice and cozy. That way the narc leaves you alone and you can still do whatever. All they want is someone to stroke their ego, even if it's fake.
Yup, did that so I can survive, graduated, got a job and one day WHAM moved out. They found me again but at least I was out of their house.
it's so difficult but true :(
The most validating part of this for me is when she said that it doesn’t matter if they are narcissistic if they were emotionally distant and cruel it is still enough to do damage it made me feel like I wasn’t overreacting
same! also a fellow bi here!
@@deshnamehta5803 Doesn't life feels like a living hell at home?
And the jealousy you feel seeing normal and healthy parents of friends.😢
@@officialanimeedits it so does. But we have to be strong
Btw how’s the situation now??
@@officialanimeedits honestly it just makes me more angry at my own parents for not giving me that and i’m happy for my friends it’s not a better situation but i think i’ve gotten better with coping and accepting it
I have a narcissistic mom and it was incredibly hard for me to realize the signs of emotional manipulation and straight up abuse because from the outside it looked like everything was perfect and that was exactly what she wanted so I felt invalidated when talking about the things that I went through as a child.
You know what's crazy... both of my parents are narcissistic (which I learned later in life) but I grew up thinking only my mother was narcissistic. I realized that I had excused my father's psychotic behavior bc I chalked it up to him just being a hyper-masculine man. Plus, my mother tends to talk really manically and get physically in your face whereas my dad will try to intimidate you with verbal and psychological threats... so I somehow put my mom in the narcissist "box" and my dad in the "macho jerk" box. I also wasn't willing to accept that I had the bad luck of having TWO narcissistic parents, but now that I've accepted it, it's helped me manage a lot better.
Holy crap. I had left this comment prior to watching the whole video. They basically confirmed my initial comment. Wow... I really wish those of us who dealt with this had a way to connect and support one another. It's been so lonely dealing with this issue.
I’ve got two as well except weirdly my mom was the hyper masculine yet covert and manipulative and my dad was the overly emotional victimized histrionic yet super in your face loud. I have an older brother golden child. It’s such an odd dynamic and I’m starting to take the steps to cut off contact. It’s hard!!
This is my parents and it breaks my heart because I don't want it to be true 😭
It’s hard to come to this realization about our parents. Acceptance of that fact is a path to healing. Blessings.
KiraAngela_ 22 Same
Yes feels very lonely ..and surreal.
I had this problem with another aspect of my life that I remembered later in life. I tried to analyse it and doubted my sanity for about three years straight.
But at least if you now know this to be the case, you know that them not loving you like they should was not your fault. They didn't have it in themselves to love anyone except superficially.
Me too. I think my mother is getting a little more caring, but she's NEVER wrong. My parents are covert narc's. It is SO PAINFUL. I feel for you b/c it's devastating, but once you know - you're more in control. Peace and love to you, sister, I'm sending you a hug, cos I totally get it xx
It's all about healing your inner child and learning self love after surviving narcissistic parents or parent it's not about managing it's about self healing
My father is the narcissist. It wasn't until I turned 50 that I realized what I was dealing with. I attempted to ask him to stop a specific behavior, and hell broke loose. He tried to dig all the dirt on me that he could find in order to demean me, and put me back where he wanted me. It didn't work. I sat back and watched the events play out with no reply to my father. I saw a side of my father that I never recognized until now, but I realize this behavior wasn't new. I was angry I never realized this earlier. I wasn't interested in provoking the fight say I made the choice to walk away at the age of 58. It has been two years and happy with the choice I made. I haven't seen my "flying monkey" siblings, nor my parents in two years, and feel so much more relaxed. My hanging on for 8 years was like a weapon for my father.
My son married a narcissist against everyone warning. He has to do everything plus work full time. He has to act like a dedicated robot around her . They have 3 small children who have issues bc dad says yes mom says no and she interrogates them. Such a sadness felt 😢 I always make sure I’m consistent and keep my promises to the kids. Lots of hugs and kisses to them
I have an extremely narcissistic mother that shows so much love for me one day but the next day she’s narcissist. It’s so bad that it had gotten to the point I can’t function in my own life anymore.
This is Daniel not kurstin on this account.
I feel the same
Same! Her love is conditional. If I forgot to wash the dishes or do something she doesn’t like, she’ll turn into a monster. But as long as I don’t mess up, she’ll “love me”
I feel u..
God I felt that
I hate that how people only care about physical evidence when parents abuses their kids. But emotional and phycological impact is far more important and hard to detect when living with abusive parents.
I didn’t know narcissism existed until my MIL entered the picture 25 years ago. Wow, I was totally not prepared for that. These types of videos have been an immense help in learning how to protect my own heart. Thank you!