Thank you good Dr, for engaged and clear talk! Can a CPTSD mother be a narcissist too? Will a sensitive, intelligent child automatically be one too? Narcissists may not BE evil, but they can certainly DO evil and cause terrible, maiming harm to innocent victims. Why do therapists deny one therapy? Why don't psychiatry want to give therapy?
Malignant Narcissists are a subset of NPD. Having read MScott Peck, and various authors, and with experience, I would call Malignant Narcissists evil. Malignant Narcissists are also called 'emotional vampires' i.e. they specifically set out to confuse you so you doubt yourself with their objective being to control you. They hurt you to feed off your pain, your emotions which builds their Narcissistic Supply. They are paranoid and sadistic. These are the evil ones. Then there are those Malignant Narcissists who have more than 1 Personality Disorder, sometimes several. The worst psychopaths and sociopaths, and the very evil are these people. Sadly for the world today, there is one in the Oval Office right now.
A narcissistic parent can drain the energy and enthusiasm out of their children to such a degree that the children will have an inordinate need for solitude.
@@TH-eb5ro Yes, some people enjoy solitude... I think the difference is that some people gravitate *toward* solitude because it makes them happy, whereas others shy *away* from social interaction because it drains the life out of them. The best way I can think of to describe it is that many adult children of narcissists can work long hours at solitary occupations - even very physically or mentally demanding ones - without tiring at all. But just one hour in an unnecessarily competitive work environment - even if the job is otherwise both physically and mentally *undemanding* - can make those same people feel like they've already worked a full week...or longer 😞
It's even worse when you come from a culture that tells you that confronting your elders is disrespectful. The guilt trips & gaslighting are rolled into one.
@Jessica I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My mom has told my husband that he should hit me for acting up. Of course she'll deny ever saying it but it happened. We had a nasty encounter three weeks ago were she denied she said that she wanted nothing to do with me. It's very painful having mothers like this. Just know you're not alone.
Yesss!! Hispanic & Catholic here. My mom basically'd be like, don't talk back! Just say you're sorry & show remorse for ____! (Even when I wasn't to blame) Which I'd do, to keep the peace. Of course later on there'd be the, I'm still trying to get over the time you ____! 🙄 yay the gift that keeps on giving. Always guilty until proven innocent. And I was rarely allowed to prove my innocence. If I did manage to defend myself/clear my name, it didn't always take. 🤦🏻♀️ Time would pass and she'd be back to her version of events. It's no wonder I began lying. It was, well not easier, but less stressful.
@@tigerofwu I had a man who doesn’t have ANY real relationships/love at all tell him the same thing. I am sadly adopted into that way of thinking as well. My new b.f.s family doesn’t say anything when he has hit me. I can’t believe it. And then like with my first boyfriend I felt bad because his childhood wasn’t perfect (remember that didn’t mean bad he would tell me it was but honestly idt he was mistreated if he just empathized with his grandma and other ppl struggling he’d have realized they did everything for him unless he concealed some crazy secret) the new one his brother is just as crazy was with his girlfriend then tried to smack my ass then slapped his girlfriend) like these people are nuts and loose or lack compassion and ppl need to stop them. I used to care a lot about ppl who were z given the best in life but my b/f before the first one used to force me to take drugs and wasn’t very compassionate either and he actually was the one with the nice house but had actually been raped but he raped people too lol like NO stop having compassion! Start fighting and stop letting ppl feed you the bullshit that they had it tough and can’t help themselves. They are ppl who do the things they do for power or profit and some might be being abused in the process but then they need to find help NOT Continue to treat people like scum.
Not to mention the Honor Your Mother and Father one. (Narcissists are incapable of taking constructive criticism, they think you're attacking them and therefore disrespecting them.)
I personally stoped loving both, my narcissistic mother and myself equally, but in the case of my mother, only when as nearly an adult, I figured out who she really was; when I started thinking what would I do as a parent myself, and realized she was the perfect bad example.
For me my mother stopped being a mother when I was 9 - 11 years old, its gradual. She's still my "mother" physically but some essential connection died when I was young and I look at her and feel nothing towards her other than disgust. But, when I am in her physical company my self worth drops through the floor. When I get away from her it pops back up eventually. It's awful, I wish I could control it.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 I agree that there are people who finger point and lack a significant amount of self-awareness and responsibility..however, life is never that black & white. If you have studied the 12 steps then you know that good people do bad things sometimes and vice versa. It is possible to take responsibility for one’s own behavior while also acknowledging unhealthy dynamics you experienced as a child. That isn’t succumbing to victim culture or attaching on to a buzz word so you don’t have to face your faults…unfortunately, it’s just a response to the gray areas of life that affect us all.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 I also think it is possible that there is a psychological reason why children of narcissistic-leaning parents might hesitate when it comes to openly admitting faults. Some kids are unfortunately raised to believe that their successes are the only thing that defines them. Get good grades, go to this college, do this, don’t do that, represent the family, if you fail you are a poor representation of our standards, yada yada yada. I can imagine a mindset in which a young adult might struggle when it comes to facing their shortcomings as then they will have to emotionally tackle with their failures being the only definition of who they are as a human being (in the eyes of said parental figure or family in general).
I didn't become a narcissist.....I became an empath.....I broke the cycle. Raised my kids with unconditional love and support.....they are amazing and successful. I still am struggling to heal the traumas my parents caused.
I never had kids, but I was a nanny in 2 families and also worked in playgroups and I made a point of being the sort of adult carer a child would want to turn to and be happy to spend time with. I think I did a good job because those kids in both families chose to be more with me than with their parents. The only time they weren't with me was when I went to the loo! The elder boy in the second family would occasionally fake illness so his school would ring me to collect him. He was fine, he just wanted to be with me, something his mum said he never did with previous nannies. I believe someone has to break the chain somewhere or else we all end up basket cases. Looks like you did just that. Well done, you!
I didn’t know until I realized that my adult friends who’s doing well were raised differently. Sometimes when I see a loving family, I suddenly feel emotional and lonely.
same fortunately my father's aunt and cousin stepped in to be my motherly figures but I can't help but think mbn to have a good mother whenever my friends mention theirs.
I feel like this all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. My parents never say they are proud of my accomplishments. I see my friends families bend over backwards for them, invite them to dinners and want to spend quality time with them. I haven't ever experienced any of this.
Me too. Until I found the love of Jesus , I hurt so bad and I felt like I never belonged anywhere. I still have to run to find a place to pray when the feeling smashes into me unexpectedly. Talking to God is my only relief and after that I feel strong enough to talk to others and which builds me up more.
I recognized this as well. I have been dealing with my emotional eating and noticed when I even see a dad treating his son well on tv I become agitated and uncomfortable and eat because it's a difficult thing to see. It's like I feel sad and.bad all at once.
I have literally written down hurtful stuff my mom has said in front of her while she was saying it, showed it to her immediately and said "this is what you just said to me" and she would immediately deny it, despite me writing it down while she said it. Inability to own up to anything or ever admit fault. Very strange
Ya! They never said that, eared that often! For the men, it's nerver their fault, always others faults. So, in their mind, they don't have to "ajust", to change or to say they're sorry!
I hate it when that happens! Bc of many conversations with friends I came to the realisation a year or 2 ago that my mother is actually an adult and that I, as her daughter, am far from responsible for her behavior- even tho she told me that me and my sisters have much to do in the pain she has today But yet! When I had my girlfriend at the time when I still lived full-time with my mother, I tend to record her while she was giving us a speech and send those to my gf. She would then say it was disgusting how mother us treated... But overall, I don't think they will ever own up to their behavior, sadly... I wish you the best of luck!
Then she'll just move to the next line of The Narcissist's Prayer; "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." at least, that's what my mother did when I presented video and audio recordings! And they're all pretty much the same kind of cracked
@@bexnewt Omg that is so accurate! It really sucks that they act so childish... I hope you are alright and that you are in a safe place full of love, and if nit, then I hope you'll be there as soon as possible ^^
This really helped me understand why I didn't have a strong relationship with my other parent when I absolutely wanted one from since. Can remember. TY?!
When I was little, my mom got mad at me because I wrote in my diary that my aunt is nicer to me and she felt like a mother. Instead of talking to me my mom yelled at me an ignored me for weeks.
Never was allowed to form relationship with father. I tried talking to him once when I was 14. My N. Mom came in, ignored me, and told my father she'd divorce him if she ever caught him talking to me again. She also did not allow me friends or my siblings. I
and when u try to confront them or communicate ur feelings to them about how they’ve hurt you or caused you any traumas... all of a sudden ur ungrateful and it turns into them being the victim and unappreciated for the things they’ve done for you as a parent. this video resonated
100% A narcissist cannot validate or care about anyone's elses emotions or trauma except thier own. I have recently found out the hard way. You cannot talk to them about any damage they caused.
I make foreskin restoration equipment. My family has all but disowned me. I’m thinking it’s better to know upfront who I’m dealing with and act accordingly.
At 14, I told my mother I felt like she didn’t love me. She cried and went on and on about how my older brother didn’t love her. She KNEW I loved her. Therefore she didn’t need to do anything for me, because I already loved her. She needed to do more for my brother to make him love her. The whole time I was thinking “something’s wrong here!” But I didn’t have the sophistication to parse it out at the time. I’ve thought about that conversation a lot over the years. In my 20’s I figured it out. She never once told me she loved me at any point in that conversation! It was all about her and her pain. In my 30’s I moved back to my hometown. That’s when I realized I was dealing with major psychiatric issues with her. It was difficulty watch more than the first minutes of this video. She’s gotten so much worse over the years. I can’t deal with her at all anymore.
Don’t forget, narcissistic parents expect their children to tow the line, be the good one, meet high expectations...... and they also get jealous of said child, when the child does well.
@@johnfroelich8554 sorry you had to go through that. I hope your life is going well. I get it. I've always said, I don't have a mother and 3 sisters, I have 4 mothers.
I remember as a young man going to friends houses and being genuinely confused by the lack of tension: I though all parents screamed at each other and tore each other down on a regular basis. It sort of made me uncomfortable being around others families that were more secure, like there was something wrong with the peace and love I was seeing from the outside
Absolutely. The VIBE at my friends’ homes was such a relief! Also, they usually didn’t want to come around our place because of my old man. Narcissistic rage if you didn’t do what he expected.
I remember going to my grandparents house or my cousins houses. They weren't like insanely happy or anything. Just normal disagreements or siblings picking on each other but there wasn't the same tension. Even in my aunts house where she'd been divorced and her kids were struggling a bit. My narc mom was always talking about how mean they'd been to her and how they say all kinds of terrible things about her behind her back and I never believed it because I could sense that my cousins were secure and loved and I was not, at least by my mother. I realize now she tried to turn me against anyone normal so I wouldn't see her crazy...
A narcissist would never go to therapy. They would never admit they need to change anything. My mother made me feel like crap my entire life. But my being upset was never considered to be a sign of a problem with her. It was me being ‘oversensitive’.
My mother took me to a therapist. The therapist told her that she was a narcissistic personality and she was hurting me. She stormed out and never went back. She spent years blaming me and making herself a victim.
Oh yeah. She always finds a way to get angry with me. If my feelings are hurt, she gets mad at me. What have I got to be sad about? How dare I ruin her day this way.
@@sabeaniebaby My mother never once said "I love you " until I was 54. Her favorite was "I just hate you " and she berated me if I cried as a child when she said that
I did that and my parents were always telling me that I was spoiling my children way too much, with that condescending tone they have used all their lives. I am 48years old now, my kids are 23 and 19 and my husband, my protector, passed away three years ago and since than my parents behaviour has gotten out of control and I have been to weak to stand up to them or run away from them (which I have done my entire life). So now I am at a point where I need to see a psychologist 4 times a week and follow a program with other patients 5 hours a day . I feel so broken and useless that I can hardly function. And I have no idea how to stop them . Therapy should teach me that,hopefully.
I cud NEVER EVER treat any one let alone an innocent child LET ALONE MY OWN innocent child the way I was treated! Fancy jollies and material things aside I was emotionally manipulated and abused phisically and emotionally:(
@@aleksandraitaliaander8974 I had to move back in with my parents last year because of the fallout from the lockdowns. 26 years of almost no contact and now I've been with them just over a year, nearly completely alone. My mother is the extreme end of NPD, my father is the loyal enabler/ emotional abuser at her side. They had 5 children, we all suffered in varying degrees but I was the scapegoat till I got out at 15, the violence and sadistic brutality was directed just at me.... They have been together 51 years now and are just as toxic. I have realised today I feel like I'm rotting from my inside out. As hard as I fight it if I'm near them, and I am all the time, their toxicity is suffocating. I hope you find away to get away without it hurting you. It's incredibly hard to get away.
You cannot address feelings with a narcissistic parent, you will be told to just "get over it". That's what my mother would say when I would try and talk about my less than stellar childhood!
"why are you living in the past?" "why do you wanna bring that up, you are always looking for a fight" ...............yeah pls gaslight the shit out of me
When parents fail their kids, its sinful! God said in His Word, the scriptures , that failing one's kids is sinful, and He said its no different than those ancient people who threw their children into the fire. He hates that. People who fail their kids are not going to like how it ends for them.
so true, with narcissist parents there is no space for expressing how you feel. everytime it’s “you just need to get over it” then they’ll threaten to hurt you ? like what kind of parenting is that 😂
My mother would always say "oh you can't be scared of me, otherwise you wouldn't act like the way you do" and she loves guilt tripping me when we fight and I tell her she's acting out.
Yup! That was me. A perfectionist who couldn't ever be perfect and that killed my confidence. It would have been great to have been taught that perfect isn't achievable. I was taught mistakes were BAD. Now I know mistakes are an intricate part of learning & living!
Well, you have to watch out for that temper constantly and the conditional love really f's you up. What's fun is if you have one who is codependent and shielded you from the narcissist, so you also feel you need to take care of other people's self esteem. Especially if they're both in clinical practice. So they have all the answers. And one dismisses and love bombs and criticizes and the other clinnnngggs. But then you start trying to heal and express boundaries and anger and that parent also dismisses. Vent. It's a sad when you realize it's never going to work. If they realize for a second, they feel so much self pity its suddenly all about them. It's sad when people feel so out of control they have to control others. It's sad when you see them suffering but you have to get away, because there's love there, but you can't love yourself around them (unless it's a love bomb time!) So yea, if anyone ever wonders "did I deserve that?" the answer if you have suffered, especially as a kid, is always no. Hope I just saved you $ for therapy. But also, get therapy. Just be careful of all the narcissists in mental health. It's a bit of an epidemic :P
Yes they say NArcs care about their looks!!! Sometimes mad with my case the guy was good...you know that covert narc that is different form all the other guys! You fall in love with this amazing prince! Yep! All lies! Left me for a child he watched grow up and she is of age now. I was sick and he discarded like they normally do. Yet he bonded with my parents after my brother died. They are sick! Run!
Having children was never an option for me. I couldn't bear the thought that I may destroy another human in the way that I had been. I just couldn't risk it.
i used to think like that too. Also if you were never allowed to be a child or have a normal childhood, you may want more freedom as less responsibilities as an adult to have the fun you never had as a child. A lot of us had to be the adults in the family, even as children.
Probably because you think like that you are sensitive and you would do a great job as a parent. But yes it shows you had narcisitic parents or one of them at least. Thats doesnt mean you would do the same.
I agree, we all come into the world whole and loving ready to develop who we are. It’s the parents that ruin us first, causing us to see the world as bad and live through that perspective to survive.
@Anthony Dann I think we have forgotten about this problem, the impact that crazy making parents have on their children. In the 60-s and 70's, there was a lot of talk about toxic communication, double bind etc. Professionals were aware of these problems and wrote books about them. What they described was, basically, gaslightning. Dysfunctional parents destroyed their childrens self confidence on a deep level, in order to save themselves and their sanity. And the possibilites to gaslight your own kids, are endless, I'm sorry to say. If you grow up with malignant narcissists, you are living in a kind of semi-psychosis, paranoia etc. Of course you can loose it totally when you grow up like this. These kind of parents cannot offer a sound representation of reality.
I always thought the neighbors, while I was growing up, were just being nice taking me on trips with their kids or inviting me along to visit grandparents. I now realize they invited me along because they saw and heard how screwed up my parents were. My mom was a screamer and could be very verbally abusive. The neighbors tried to give me some source of normality.
Narcissists seem to be masters of the preemptive excuse. They know a child will call them out so they wage a campaign of disinformation within their own family to discredit that child before they can ever speak. Happened to me. Its sick and twisted to use family that way but thats what they are: users. Unfortunately patience is the answer. Sooner or later they tend to come off the rails and get exposed. That also happened for me recently and it actually set me back, so be prepared for that. I didnt see that coming.
I used to warn my friends about my stepmom...then they would meet her and she would act so fun and nice. She was only ugly when there was no one else around.
In my case, any attempt to talk about things my mother had done to us would be met with her cutting me off and telling me how much worse SHE had it growing up.
It’s really bad when your mother is a narcissist who portrays herself as a victim. Everything you accomplish, sees it as her own shine. “Look at what my child has done. Aren’t I great to have created such a person. Look at me!”
This is what I literally heard on my way home today after doing performances at school. When teachers complimented me to my mom all the way home she just said "I raised you well so you could become like this. You must be thankful. Without me, you wouldn't have been a single thing." It's just sickening to live with
My parents were so quick to put me on ADD meds and anti-depressants as a teenager when I was having problems in school due to truancy. Not once did they ever question how their own dysfunctional, abusive behavior was affecting their children. I didn't need medication. I needed a healthy home.
Yep. I always wondered why the medication and psych hospitals didn’t work. I started to believe that I was actually crazy. I often still do. I keep fucking up without even realizing because I question my own common sense.
Same, mood stabilizers at 6 cause of my anger issues, but what my parents never told doctors was the fact my dad has BPD and my mum seemed to lack any maternal instincts, when you have parents that don't want to talk to you you're going to be angry, don't get me wrong I had my problems but all I did was get punished rather than encouraged to be better.
I think one of the hallmarks of a narcissistic parent is that they always appropriate your accomplishments. They are the ones who are always praising you in front of others but undermining you behind the scenes. You are never seen as a full person, always as an extension of their world, a player in their drama.
wow this comment is my grandma to a TEE!!!!!!! I was raised from a teenager on by her and my grandpa. MY mom left me and I haven't seen her in 15 years but now as an adult and what my grandma has done to my physiologically I can understand why she was the way she was and took off. She constantly dissects me as a human and never acknowledges my achievements or as soon as I tell her about something she compares it to something someone else she knows who did it better or had It worse. Then when I bump in to their friends and they say how proud of me she is its so hard and awkward to try and wrap my head around it. Thanks for this comment
@@alkismith4577 My father told me that I was a "0" and that I'd never amount to anything. It hurt at the time, but later I thought ok... so continue to support the idiot.
Actually the narcissist parent will do whatever it takes to run off /run down anyone who gets close to their adult child. The reason being is the narc want that adult child to rely solely on them, even more so if its the opposite sex child and the other parent isnt in the picture.
Checklist: 1. Ever feel like you have to go through great lengths to prevent a conflict with your parent, and that this responsibility lies solely with you? 2. Has your parent NEVER apologized to you for ANYTHING EVER? 3. And if you express that you feel you are owed an apology, or critique them in any way, will they get angry and defensive? 4. Is your parent always going on about how much of a disappointment you are? 5. Do you feel you might have done better in life if you had gotten some encouragement from home and been told you're good enough as you are? 6. When you observe the relationships of your friends and their parents, does it seem unnaturally perfect and make you sad and envious? 7. Are you generally afraid of asking for things you want, and even say no when offered things you want, in fear of being a nuisance? 8. Do you love solitude? Edit: Wow, never gotten this much response to a comment before. Either it's a damned fine comment or simply something that resonates with absolutely everyone, indicating that what I wrote applies to absolutely everyone's parents. Gee that'd suck if I, with my zero psychological degrees, inadvertently convinced 2.2k people their parents were narcissists. Either way, since I have everyone's attention, perhaps I can offer some mending words on how to repair the relationship with your however narcissistic parent. Step 1: Forgive them. They have a disease or something inside them that "excuses" their passive aggressiveness. Step 2: Forgo your own narcissism and realize that, most likely, much of whatever is inside them that triggers their passive aggressiveness has been put there by you somehow. For instance, they may bear resentment because you're avoiding them. Even if in this particular case you're only looking out for your own interests (BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND YOU!!), they are unlikely to bear any blame themselves. Step 3: Confront them in whichever way is most natural to you. Basically, you'll wanna communicate that you want to mend your relationship. You might not like this, but I suggest starting by apologizing for whatever hurt you've caused them. In order to avoid putting blame on them and calling them out on their narcissism (this will only make them defensive), you actually excuse their behaviour and put the blame on yourself. But cleverly, you've communicated that their behaviour (caused by you) is insufferable to you and needs to end in order for your relationship to function. And now that you've apologized, they will have the perfect excuse to stop. After all, if they keep being passive aggressive now, they'll have to admit to themselves that it's THEM there's something wrong with (and they're not gonna do that). Now, I don't know your relationship, and perhaps all you wanna do is scream in you parent's face that you're owed an apology for all the torment they've caused you. If this is the case, you probably shouldn't be overly apologetic in your approach as well as expect no apology in return, as this will feel unfair and deny you your much deserved catharsis which might leave you with feelings of resentment. Best of luck on sucking it up and making the compromise. Keep your eye on the price (a parent that doesn't emit passive aggressiveness)! I believe in your mental fortitude and capability of being as diplomatic as you can! Good luck, and also, good for you for taking the initiative!!
Everything except #4, I was always a honor roll student but my mother never complimented me personally but she would brag about me to others when I wasn't around.
When I was reading the 6 th point I got reminded of t thing that I have never ever met any of my friend's parents except for one in my entire life.....
@@idontcare7165 Another trait of being with narcissistic parents, they never allow to you to socialise with ur friend's parents, they don't let u go out never ever, always controlling and blaming you for everything....
I didn't become a narcissist. I became even more of an empath. But I also became even more codependent. I always try to save other people even if I can't save myself.
Yes, it's borderline personality disorder. Empath is NOT a psychological condition. Empathic disorder is a medical usually associated with personality conditions like BPD, Borderline personality disorder is childhood complex PTSD and causes this feeling of being an "empath" when really it is hyperfixing on others you think might hurt you.
@user-hu6lr3vr7g hyper empathy is from trauama. Its a super power at times but it came with a cost and being hyper empathetic can sometimes be draining. Its not bpd because thats way too specific and can be caused by tauma without having bpd
I feel people think this is a flex... I guess its better than being a narc, but its not authentic, or loving. You have as much as a motive as a narc. An empath is not healthy, just like narcs.
My signs of having had a narcissistic parent.... as an adult, I've dealt with/deal with: Peripetism. Desire for solitude. Difficulty prioritizing. Failure to focus on one line of work. Depression. Trouble finishing projects. Disorganized home. Lack of trust. Few friends. Feelings of emptiness. That said, I'm a happy person today. I have a good marriage and a farm to work and enjoy.
@@Cevalip After an inexplicable rage attack that I had at 32...I went to counseling, with a competent and ethical therapist. She asked me to describe my family. I told her my dad was an average guy, who fought in WWII, and my mom was a perfect person. She then asked me to write a journal of incidents in my childhood that bothered me. I started writing and by the time I was done, had filled the book with over 300 incidents of abuse. In all of them, my mother was the instigator and beneficiary. The rest of us were victims. This took the scales off my eyes. I'd been taught since birth, by my mother, that Dad was the "bad guy" and to blame him whenever anything went wrong. In actual fact, mother was the primary abuser in our family. I then wanted to know why she was this way. I knew she was passive aggressive, but only learned the root of her behavior - narcissism - very recently. I'm still learning. I've been no contact with her for over 30 years (I'm 65 now). She still tries to hoover me via relatives. I still struggle. Knowing people like Angie - even if only through the web- helps me cope. I'm willing to accept a bit of a struggle with lingering symptoms, if that's what my freedom costs. Where my mother is concerned, I have only one thought: never again.
@@emilyfarris563 My mom is, too. I saw it as so common that I actually dated a Cluster B woman for two years. It wasn't until I dumped her and endured her smear campaign that I began reading about Cluster B, and now I recognize my mom is that way, too.
After my mother died, when I was 40, my narc father remarried and is now showing the WORST parts of his narcissistic self. He cannot be accountable for himself at all. It's incredibly sad. He has no awareness, and he bullies and abuses people in his life. He has very little contact with people he used to be very close with. HIs wife has BPD, and is a narcissist, as well. I have had to cut them both out of my life.
Last Christmas I experienced rage from an in-law. Scared me. Confused. He caused doubt. And I was so flustered at his lack of dignity towards me, that I pointed at him with my phone. He claims I got him.
My boyfriends dad is an alcoholic narcissist and I just followed him around everywhere when he tried to mentally abuse my boyfriends mom because I knew his appearance was the sole thing that mattered to him. Then he tried to turn my boyfriend against me, needless to say it didn’t work and I told him to sit on it and spin. I don’t think I’ve ever come so close to hitting someone before in my life and I’m not violent.
@@haleysmith8804 Dad was alcoholic/drug addict, Mom was a Narc. I was the oldest child who tried to be perfect & fix everything for everybody! So typical.
@@haleysmith8804 I'm so sorry you went through that but yeah turning people against you is such a typical move for a narcissist because they derive some sick sense of pleasure from manipulating others and scapegoating you. A narcissist ALWAYS has to control the narrative it's a power trip for them. Sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you got out of it! x
Beautiful Timea - I have cats - I always prefered animals over people relationships. I think because of my childhood and the cruelty inflicted. Best wishes, keep going, we are love.
There honestly isn't even an accurate way to explain the hurt that one goes through when being raised by a narcissist..They literally ruin you. Your self esteem, self confidence, vulnerability is all gone. You're never content, you're always looking over your shoulder, not to mention the amount of anxiety that sticks with you for years after. Being raised by narcissistic parents is not a joke and people need to be taking it more seriously. I believe that narcissistic parents raise mental patients. It's that bad. The gaslighting, the manipulation. It's enough to actually drive someone to the point of no return. My youngest sister was suicidal and cutting at the age of 13 because of my narcissistic Mother. Narcissism is NOT a joke. Edit: Oh my goodness...I've read all of your comments and I've been brought to tears. I'm so proud of every single one of you. You're all heros 🤍
Marissa Carter_as someone who has a covert narcissist mother and a co dependant father I agree. I have been very messed up most of my life. Only realising what my parents are 4 years ago in 2017. Although always knowing something was wrong. But I concentrate on addressing issues with me, as I only can be the change in myself not others.
Yep. Im not religious, spirituality tho! But anyways i cant help but feel these narcissistic are just straight up fucking demons or SOMETHING cuz like ever look into the eyes of your narcissistic, during an episode? They're evil, so empty. Just ugh i cant even explain it, its just a deep dark empty evil ppl. Why. Its not logical. The closest thing to compare is a Evil being. I dont understand it.
@@silenceafterviolence2596 Oh my goodness you explained it perfectly. I’ve looked into the eyes of my own mother as she choked me and it was just…empty. No empathic human emotions. It makes my skin crawl even thinking about it. Even as a child I would subconsciously construct an image in my mind that my real mother was replaced by a devil.
Amen to that. I am currently living with my 66 year old narcissistic mother. Her husband died from CoVid and he was always her puppet. Now I'm the puppet and re-living my childhood all over. Wish I had kept the No Contact decision going. It was a huge mistake getting back into this swamp called narcissism.
@@adrunkgorillawithalobotomy353 get OUT!!! no good will come of this for you. save yourself. she is beyond saving. whatever she says or does to keep her slave is a manipulation. narcissists don't have relationships-they have victims. and they don't love like the rest of us do. your value to them is in direct relation to what they can get out of you. they really don't care about you. you will live with the scars of that dynamic the rest of your life. but you sure as hell don't have to continue living with your abuser. if she needs help to live her life, then put her in a nursing home and BLOCK her. you had the right idea in the first place. you owe her NOTHING. repeat that to yourself like a mantra!
No contact is way important! We are not therapist specializing in Narcissism. If you are on the one down position having compassion especially with a vulnerable narcissist is an endless loop of crap that never stops.
Sorry but when its a parent that is akin to saying that a dead parent is preferable to a flawed one that is at least somewhat accessible. For better or worse you can trust your parents in a way that you can't trust anyone else. Yeah it sucks when they break you but it doesn't change the reality that the world is a cold place and nobody out there is invested in you. Nobody wants to see you happy or will fight for you. Nobody will see your success as a positive thing. A narsissistic parent raising you may not be perfect but it's better than having no parent and being preyed on by the whole world from a very young age. My parents are not perfect but i am still happy that they are alive. I understand that they are narsissists and dangerous but i still like the fact that they are alive and available for me to make my self vulnerable to. Because the only other person would be a therapist and they definitely don't give a fuck about you as a person. Many therapists openly wish they had enough money to not have to do their work.
Yep, I remember one night my narcissistic father was raging and I had a panic attack and called 911. When the paramedics were helping me, my narc father raged at them and forced them to leave. I told him I called 911 because I couldn’t breathe. He went berserk and shouted, “WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK???!!!???
Also another mind screw- sometimes they do see, or partially see, or pretend to see, or temporarily see these things... then snapping out of that without warning & rewriting history or pretending it never happened 😂 you can use the phrase “take responsibility” substituted in those instances above as well.
My ex husband was a narcissist. He however, viewed our sons as tiny Bob, intelligent and superior to all other children and me. There were no consequences or responsibility. I in fact was nothing more than a servant to his and their needs. We have 6 sons all of whom fundamentally believe that I am inferior in every way. Because they were Demi Gods, they rarely challenged God. Consequently, he elevated them to ensure that they never suffered from a lack of self esteem. He even celebrated their tenacity and flagrant lack of respect against any authoritarian even the law. Once he raced with the oldest son on an interstate going over 100 miles per hour and all of our sons between the 2 cars. When I called him on it, criticizing the example on our young emergent drivers, he said "I wasn't racing, I was just keeping up", which got a great chuckle from all of them.
Problem comes when you never know what’s expected of you. No matter what you do, it’s dismissed, so how can there even be a clear goal for achievement?
@@mgtowfrank2502 I am giggling now because I never realized this was a problem until my daughter (31 now) was 7 and got a 0 on an assignment in class that I knew she'd dome. She showed it to me. When we went to see her teacher, she said it wasn't that she hadn't done the assignment, it was that she had a list of things to do every day, and the writing was the first thing did every day as it was her favorite. "She writes her story, then reads it and edits, then rereads and edits and edits and edits until she runs out of time and never gets to anything else." I was in my therapist's office the next day asking how to change my behavior haha I am so grateful I had a good one and that I did that work. My daughter has grown up to be brilliant, creative, happy and well adjusted. I am so grateful. I wish you all the vey best in every way. I will tell you that healing hurts. They dont' tell us that. And you must know that if you choose to do that work, probably noone else will. But that doesn't matter. You do. Take good care of you. You deserve the best and to be Loved and celebrated. Blessings and Blissings to you. Be Well!
@@Pete...NoNotThatOne No joke. Everybody in my life is a narcissist by that measurement alone. I loved school because it was the only place where I knew what was expected of me and I could actually be appreciated for my efforts. I just told my husband yesterday that I didn't want to buy some elastic that he asked me to because I know that no matter what I buy, it won't be right. My parents were like that, both my husbands have been like that, my siblings are like that, and my own children treat me like that. I have a master's degree, I'm a Phi Beta Kappa, but they treat me like I'm a total screw-up.
That's a very narcissistic statement! Relationships have ups and downs, can build us up or take us down. We are humans with empathy and a sense of responsibility. Relationship is not a career or a gym in which we look for constant build up. Your statement completely undermines the concepts like devotion and dedication.
@@jeffmorrison2915 Of course we have ups and downs, thats a given. Healthy individuals work through those and are stronger for it, thus the experience is a growth experience and ultimately a positive one that builds character.
My dad would say "you better go say sorry to your mother". I'd say why? He would say "I don't know but she's not happy". Her mood would determine everyone's mood. If my narcissistic mother wasn't happy, then my dad would send me to fix it.
I hate how they make us feel guilty for defending ourselves. I hate how they make me feel. I hate myself because no matter how bad they hurt me, I still can't hate them fully. I hate it because sometimes i blame myself for something they brought upon me.
Run and don't look back from a family who makes you feel like this. Get therapy and train yourself to avoid these people in your adult life and replace them with empathetic, well adjusted friends who truly become your real family.
I just read a book called "When to Walk Away" by Gary Chapman that talks about how even Jesus walked away from people and let people walk away from him. You really do have to make a new family with healthier adult people.
I used to be so hard on myself. I have cried myself to sleep, “why doesn’t mom love me,?” “Why doesn’t my husband love me”? I decided I would love me! Went no contact.
I cannot imagine trying to talk to my mother about this stuff. She would deny it until the say she dies. There's just no point in letting her know she's the reason I needed therapy as an adult.
Yes I told my mom about all the trauma she caused me and she said that all of it was a lie and she made it about her, that her life was worse and I should be appreciative. She said that I was weird and nobody would ever understand me. They love making it about them! Can’t accept anything that attacks their persona
I remember as teenager, going to a friend's house after school, her Mum was there (first surprise), her Mum asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink (second surprise), I stood there silent, not sure what to do, I did want to have something, but at the back of my mind I was thinking if I ask for something I'm going to make myself a nuisance. I think that was the first time I realised there was something not right about my family and that I was probably messed up. It's funny how the narcissist, by constantly telling you and treating you as if you're the problem, eventually messes with your head to the point where you do develop a problem.
I'm going on a road trip soon and visiting an old friend whose mom helped me get going on the career I am in now and I see her as a mother figure. I asked that when I stop by if I could stay the night and sleep in my camper truck on their driveway and she said "you're not sleeping in my driveway" so I said I'd just find some nearby campsites. I didn't realize what she meant by that and assumed she didnt want me there for the night until she suggested I stay inside and crash on the couch for the night instead. It's hard for me to accept or even ask for hospitality sometimes so I didn't even think of asking to stay the night inside because it feels excessively intrusive for me to ask. I've been starting to realize some of these effects as an adult now. I think some of it was from being a kid and not being allowed to stay the night at anyone's house and the suggestion was always to just have them come over to stay the night instead even if i wanted to go to theirs and get out of the house for a while.
Your last few sentences are so on point, it resonates with me bc growing up I was what they’d call an easy kid- quiet, good grades, no major issues(that they could see) and was verbally abused over small issues. Then my untreated mental illness(that was partially caused by them) really reared its head in college and I actually became a problem. I never saw it like this before
When I was a teenager, i used to look at all these kids with good relationships with their parents as the weird ones lol I thought to myself "that's not normal". I grew up having a parent/child relationship where the difference in age/experience/authority was very clear. Of course I laugh w/ my parents and all that but they don't really know me that well.
This is how it was for me. . .I realized my friends parents were much MUCH different than mine! And that was the cue that something wasn't right about my family. SAME EXACT SHIT! I kid you not!
When he listed off the signs of being raised by narcissistic parents,.....i broke down. I always thought it was me, that i was the problem Edit: thankyou SO so much for all the kind words and reassurances, I really don't feel like im alone anymore💙
I remember my narcissist mother telling me she has never apologized to anyone in her life and that she has never done anything she needed to apologize for….she was in her 70’s or 80’s.
My father exactly the same thing. It is baffling. The other day he bumped into my mum and, instead of saying sorry, he started shouting she was in the wrong place.
My mum's first worry when she found out I was raped repeatedly as a kid was "What will people think of me?". I replay it in my mind occasionaly , clear as day, and it still hurts just as much. She literally blurted it out loud. And get this - it only happened because she used to leave me at her male friend's house to go out partying at night. She was so worried that people would think it's her fault and that she's a bad mother, that she gaslighted me that it was no big deal. And when I pressed the issue she would rage and accuse me of lying or wanting to make her life hell. She never allowed me to go into therapy either, coz "there was nothing wrong with me". I was 9 years old. Adolescence was hell. First time I dated I was 13 and the dude was over 30, I used to skip school to meet him. I acted out, I failed school, and she made a point to make everyone in the family think I was a rebel without a cause. Few years ago she had a stroke and I felt nothing.
So sorry to hear this. I also have a mother who I suspect was neglectful towards my sister but I cannot make sense of the patterns or help because my narcissistic parents had always undermined and trapped me in their mind games so as to not be able to help my sister as well since she became hateful towards me and is also a narcissist herself.
Rape would and never will be your fault, it's never to late to notify police he may have done it to others even if you can't prosecute it may give you a little closure to healthy move forward with your life just to talk to someone about whst happened to you
You almost never have two narcissistic parents. A narcissist hardly wants competition. They are drawn to people they can manipulate and have power over.
Totally true except for one exception. It seems like narcs will marry an unstable borderline personality disordered partner if that partner has resources or a sexy body to contribute. The borderline disordered seems to be acceptable even though the narcs prefer the self sacrificing codependent empaths.
That's only true to an extent. Sometimes one narcissistic parent can turn the other into a narcissist as well, ESPECIALLY after a divorce. My dad turned my mother into one during their marriage, or at least he brought it out of her to the surface.
They actually don't go because they know their cleverness will come out and somebody will see their side. They have no awareness because they have no feelings or better dry feelings
OMG This reminds me of how my Narc monster forced her kids into counseling. And these "counselors" believed every lie she told. The counselor would then scold us for not being better minions of the the narcissistic mother. Can you imagine being told that you're not doing enough for a Narcissist? By a "professional"? By the way, a "counseling" degree isn't a real degree if you can't see abuse for what it is.
What therapy has taught me is that no narcissist will ever think "well, maybe I have narcissism." They'll have you questioning yourself, your sense of self and your sanity but they'll never question themselves because the problem is never* them. It's everyone else.
My mom literally justified her and my dad slapping me a few times and then legit told me via text now "Maybe you should get therapy, that'd be nice!" because I need to get fixed, not her. Don't get me wrong, I am working on getting therapy. It's just because of her (and mostly my dad) and not because of myself. Oh god it's so exhausting to never see any apologetic behaviour from them..
@@bereal6590 Oh, absolutely … even at 56. I’ve done extensive therapy & my family hasn’t. I stand back & listen to the same old tapes playing over & again. It’s hard to be a minority, the scapegoat AND the hero!! Imagine my living with THAT dual role … absolutely mind boggling. When my mom loved me … I was pedestalyzed … when she didn’t, I was damned and told I was the cause of all evil. Try that on a kid who knows nothing!!! Thank God for my grandmother who loved me unconditionally, or I’d be dead by now.
I developed my own narcissistic traits with this upbringing. Always told myself I didn’t want to be anything like her, but found myself hurting others just as she had to me. Had to do some serious soul searching and therapy to correct these traits. They still secretly creep up sometimes though I’m now self aware and know better.
What kinds of things did you do to hurt others? I am just starting this journey and am trying to analyze my behavior and see if I am doing these things :( It's a lot to take in.
@@Mrs.Criticless Love bombing, then becoming cold out of nowhere. Getting angry for the smallest things and lashing out. Then feeling bad for lashing out, but then getting mad about it as well, so I’d lash out again..a very vicious cycle. Kind of embarrassing to admit, but that’s how I knew that ongoing pattern in my head wasn’t normal.
at least you are self aware and are attempting to change. self awareness is the first step. idk where you are at now, but i want to say good luck and you are doing great.
Recap - Symptoms of having been raised by a narcissist start from 4:33 - Adults who beat themselves up - Inherently feels not good enough - Questions their own value - Non-secure relationships with abusive people where they have to constantly chase, wonder if their partner cares about them. - Overachiever who tells themselves that "if I achieve this or that then finally I'll be good enough"
My daughter is the one who brought my mom's abuse to my attention. I was so deep in the trauma bond that I refused to admit it at first. All of these videos have helped me so much. Both of my parents suffer from these traits. It's been a long hard road.
That's exactly what i did for my mom, regarding her brother. I was the one to expose him and i didn't back down, even when he purposely targeted me and each time it was worse. Sometimes we need others to point out traumas and such, and that's okay. It's good to have people recognize it and help us. Wish you the best of luck!
Same to me... My mother abused me emotionally and my own children and my strong emotions and why they trigger me so much brought this and my ACEs to the surface...
Same. My son was the one who said to me, after a phone call from my mother which he overheard. He said, "Mom, you know Grandma is manipulating you, right?" He was 13........ He could see what I couldn't see. It broke my heart. My mother was competing with my KIDS (HER GRANDKIDS) for attention and my finances. I also realized there were things she modeled for me that I was using in my parenting. Oh..... I SHUT THAT DOWN. When my narcissistic mother refused to let me talk to my dad the night before he died.... all because I wouldn't give her control over MY bank account.... LOL! I shut that bitch down. We've been no contact. My kids are happier, my husband's happier, and my finances have improved immensely. It's never too soon to go no-contact.
Oh, and as far as whether or not a narcissistic parent is an "evil person." I disagree with the men in this video, in the case of my mother. After my dad died, I learned all the sociopathic things she's done to hurt other people besides myself. No one made her do those things. Just because you have a traumatic childhood, doesn't mean you have to CHOOSE to hurt people. I had a traumatic childhood, and I did not steal money from people, alienate relatives, badmouth everyone in the family.... oh... no... it was a choice she made. My mother is a sociopath.
@@rubyrose2522 oh, I would encourage you to read the Bible, in it it tells us that we are created by God with gifts and attributes. More on Living Waters TH-cam, I'm older but have struggled with the same thoughts. I have a Father in heaven that's not dysfunctional. 🙏🌻
@@meganmoore9811 love your answer! Including years of EMDR therapy, when I finally sat down to read the Bible as the way Holy Spirit led me (our counselor), I am finally breaking strongholds off of the lies they told. I call my family now my 'genetic family', as God in heaven is my true family. 😊 My church family and heavenly lineage now replace the narc 'ownership' claims, no longer spiritual or emotionally tied to the genetics. Darius Daniels has a great sermon on 'stop being slave minded after you're out'. It's great, thought to hear, applies to many situations, but hit my narc struggles on the head.
I have a narc parent, and I suspect I’m not the only one who will be relieved when he dies. You had a normal human reaction, and I’m glad it took so much weight off your shoulders.
Narcissists are ppl that live in glass houses but who are always throwing stones at people outside. Don't dare throw one back! Don't even bother with a sheild. Just run like hell and never look back.
I wanted to run away by age 7 but left at 15 totally unprepared for life and permanently mentally damaged. I had to teach myself everything I now know by age 60. That's a lifetime of trauma.
Yes so true always looking for validation and attention be it negative or positive and God forbids if you come from a loving family and people actually genuinely like you the Narc gets totally jealous and gas light any situation it's tiring.
@@ANickerson411 Hopefully yours was NOT a "lifetime of trauma". B/c you ar estill alive. You survived a LOT and hopefully l earned a LOT. You're likely still learning, as many of us still are. Go to quora.com to find answers and other ppl who will have insight and help you feel less alone in stuff you're dealing with..I send u LOVE and POSITIVE VIBES!!!!!
@@csloane4129 for a while I got over it pretty much but when I was 30 Mama Dearest loaned me enough money for a house deposit only to ask for it back for no good reason two years later in the middle of the 1990's recession. Being a good son I lost my house and business to pay her back. Now she has Alzheimer and she can't remember anything so I have no one to unload on. Her abuse will be with me until I die I'm afraid unless Ayuahska will work which I am working to do for a short time before I break through. I could write a book on depression if I wasn't RDHD.
I believe my dad was a narcissist. I developed low self-esteem, no self-worth, mental blocks that kept me from finishing college (my narcissist father thought a college education was IT). I had no boundaries, and grew up depressed, hating myself and suicidal. Dad even disowned me because I chose to become a different political party than his.
Sounds like our fathers taught each other how to ruin a kids life while looking like a God. I am 53 and had no clue about any of this until a few years ago. Trust me I didn't ask or try to find out. I just thought he was a asshole. Sad that a girl I dated at 13 saw what he was and waited her turn for over 30 years. She called every few years at Christmas but I was happily married and then came divorce and moving back to my home state. It was perfect or so I thought, this was why it never worked out in my last marriage. You know the rest and that opened up my whole life as a scapegoat and I learned what a Covert and Overt Narc was. Damn them because I still believed good existed, love existed but was hard to find. Why open my eyes now that I am 53. Dad the narc is dead. (great day as the world of God suffered, I rejoiced at both of his funerals and I do not care which so and so saw me. Then my sister took over terrorizing my mother, brother and I . 1600 pages I typed out learning about narcs, my life, family, past, future and I had to get it all down so I could try to forget. It will not go away nor has the truth proven anything for me. But lies that make no sense are just fine with family. Thanks I have no one to vent to and your comment got to me.
I have two narcissist parents and am also the scapegoat of my family. It took a major toll on my confidence and self-esteem. My mother has tried to literally destroy me more times than I can count emotionally. The smear campaign is her weapon of choice most often. Ostracizing their victim from anyone they can to spin their false narratives. I had to fully disconnect from my family of origin to heal. It is very painful growing in an environment where neither of your parents loves you and in some cases hates you. It can really make you feel worthless. You need to find love in yourself and independence, which is easier said than done. It makes it really difficult to trust others as you never learned to be able to depend on anyone growing up in such a toxic environment where your parents' constant needs trump their children. They need constant validation because their true self is so weak. Hugs to anyone who has suffered in this way. It's a hard road to travel.
Pinupminerals, Thanks a lot for sharing this and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand very well, because I was the Scapegoat too and everything you said is True. They Soul Murder to potentially Murder you. They are Evil - no two ways about it, and you can't come out of all of the effects of this Insidious Abuse and have Confidence - that's an Oxymoron. It can be extremely difficult to heal from the effects of this Abuse. It's like a person going in a Psychiatric Ward and he/she goes into their room and there's a saying framed on the wall that says: "I like myself". What a Joke, rather it's a Nightmare - Understatement. I'm glad you got away from your family - you saved your own life. I wish you the Very Best because you deserve it.
One thing that isn't mentioned is that trying to date healthy people, when you've been traumatized by narcissistic parents, is difficult, most people are curious about your parents and when you try and explain that you have no contact because your parents were abusive, the healthy person shrinks away and eventually ghosts you because they don't get it, and they also look at you like you could be the same as your parents were.
Yes humanity divided into those raised by narcissistic parents as allocated scapegoat... and golden children the favourite.... often golden children higher functioning successful lack empathy
Bunny Yes, as a child raised by a single narcissistic mother, I learned to focus more on my own healthy boundaries than on distance from her...at moments when she would demand too much, I would calmly refuse, as though speaking to a child. A few times when she would hang up on me, I would just not return the call...and sometimes years passed. I retained a number of fond memories from childhood (picking them out from among the many abandonments and gaslightings, etc.) and made peace with my theory that her emotional development had been arrested around age 8. I have lived happily at a healthy distance from her, while still being able to share a collection of memories including her, so there was no suspicious void there. Once my mother got used to the fact that she had no power to manipulate me, she sought me out, cautiously, sensing what I would not tolerate, and we could carry on in pleasant reminiscence and light chatter. She was even able to enjoy my kids until they were no longer babies and began to sense her unwholesome limits. Of course, she could not help trying to drive a wedge between us by undermining me behind my back, but I only continued to teach my kids valuable relationship lessons using her, along with some of their own maladjusted peers, as illustrations.
I try not to talk about it as often you just know they think you must have done something to cause it, why else would your parents do that to their own child. Better alone than try to explain.
It's not a matter of remembering, some people don't have knowledge or memory of that. So we can only hope to maybe come across the confirmation, one day.
"Someone taught them that in close, interpersonal relationships there is something called 'power.'" really hit home for me as well as the part about parental authority being different from power meaning that we have a responsibility of setting aside our own feelings for our children. 👏 Thank you. Those statements encompass why I'm choosing to go to therapy to make sure the generational trauma stops with me. My daughter deserves a healed mom.
I agree about having the sense to edit some feelings. I had foot injury ( icy sidewalk event). Its not about feelings...its about pain. Night in ER..not much sleep. My son arrived from ex husband's. I was weary yet made dinner...visited son ...attending to him ... The need to sit...take medicine was met with anger...belittling. It's fair to ask for some patience. My son freaked bc I was dizzy. He wanted to tell me about movie( could he sit with Me in a cpl minutes and do that?) He called his dad...I am this and that..his feelings hurt! If someone is injured..its right to allow them to tend to that. Ex made me feel So bad...whatever abt ER, doing good when dizzy. The demand was to apologize for being selfish. I can't promise Not being injured...needing some consideration. The ex and I were very good at 1st aid. I wasn't abusing son. His angry words ...I don't do anything right. I Said he could put the food back.
Is there a support group for grown children of narcisstic parents? How bout narcistic religious parents who use God to control you even when your an adult and try to turn your kids against you?
I consider the definition of a, "friend" as somebody who helps you out. So I could be a friend to somebody who may not be a friend back. Which wouldn't make two people, "friends" if it's one sided. Not sure if that definition should include intrinsic motivation, separate from an outside reward or quid pro quo.
The loneliness my parents feel at old age is their karma for the loneliness and abandonment they put upon their children. What goes around, comes around. 🤷🏼♀️💫 I dont feel guilty about it.
I feel terrible for it. I need to be alone most of the time and I don’t feel lonely. My mother is surrounded by people and pets and noise and chaos and always feels lonely. When I suggested she examine why she always feels lonely in a sea of people she yelled at me to stop berating her and just bc I don’t ‘like’ her doesn’t mean she’ll take my abuse. I’m 38!
Yup. My stepfather died last year & my narcissist mother has had to deal with the consequences of all the relationships she destroyed while married. #Karma
* Things You should never do to to a narcissist 1. Turn your back on them or let your guard down 2. To trust them. 3. Take anything they say at face value, or accept anything they say as truth. 4. Show or tell them any emotions you have or have had regarding absolutely anything. 5. Extend them your sympathy or compassion or empathy. 6. Think anything they say or do is genuine no matter how convincing it appears. 7. Think you are somehow different than anyone else and they “like you better” or respect you. 8. Think they won’t stab you in the back the second you are not useful to them anymore. 9. Think they will change. 10. Think they care about anything besides themselves and their self interest. 11. Think any seemingly altruistic actions they have are rooted in anything but a self serving agenda or impression management. 12. Internalize or accept any emotion their words or actions invite you to feel. This includes the good feeling like charm and flattery. 13. Get complacent and think you can not be manipulated or that they are not manipulating you. 14. Fall in love with them. 15. Enter into any kind of relationship with them beyond what is absolutely strictly necessary. 16. Make an enemy of them or let them on to know how you really think of them. 17. Have any expectations of them. 18. Let them into any of your social circles or introduce them to friends and family. 19. Allow yourself to forget they are a narcissist and what that means. Never let the depth of the depravity of this individual slip from the front and center of your mind. 20. Make impulse agreements or concessions without asking for more time to think and stalling for more time. 21. Allowing them to pressure you. 22. Give them a second chance. 23. Negotiate with them. 24. Rationalize with them. 25. Blame them or accuse them of something. 26. Expect an apology from them or expect them to be accountable for anything they have done. If you do appear to get this from them, re-read all the previous points.
You forgot "forgive" them. People are trained like dogs to forgive their abusers no matter what. It's doing nothing but training people to bow down to their abusers and accept ongoing toxic, horrid behaviour. There are things you need to have actual boundaries from and things you need to say no to and never allow again. You don't need to spend the rest of your life dwelling on the person and allowing their abuse to eat you alive. If you can get to a place where you realize their behaviour towards you was wrong, why that is, what it is that most likely made that happen, and what you need to do to fix yourself so it doesnt happen again, you are doing just fine. You dont need to always forgive every single thing. Sometimes people's behaviour should be put back on them and be their burden to live with, not yours. :(
Oh my goodness, this describes me exactly as being born to a narcissistic mother. I have tried to unravel and sort myself out by being with more giving and loving people as an adult, but it certainly leaves a long term inner battle to think you are a person worthy of respect. I brought my own children up exactly the opposite of how my mother did, and my children as now adults, are very close to me and to each other. So something went right!
Same. My mom was so judgemental and dismissive of anything that didn't fit in her box. She has never taken any ownership of it. I make a huge effort to be different with my kids. It's ok to be imperfect in our house
Also it makes trusting people in general very hard. Trying to be vulnerable feels impossible because you know it's going to be used as a weapon and as an opportunity to just kick you down. It's so hard.
Xana K. I absolutely hate showing vulnerability to my partner of 8 years. It feels like a weakness to me. I hate crying. I don’t want to give anyone that power over me. I have an ex that was so selfish (ie probably very narcissistic) it ruined me for real intimacy, I loved him so much in spite of it!
Anne Bruecks I think a relationship between two living things is like a balanced, ‘sense of security’ seesaw. We’re comfortable with the other when we feel a balance between us of insecurity (In the case of a Narc, their seat is coming off the end) or security (A hermit; sitting at the boring fulcrum balanced on their lonesome). Evidence that we’re more stable than our Narc is horrible for the Narc’s ego and therefore relationship and we can’t fix the Narc’s seesaw seat’s (true-self’s) loose bolts. Subconsciously we feel an ineffable love when our Narc rips us down emotionally and physically because it regains a relationship balance with their true self’s low sense of security; they lash out blaming you when they feel like anyone notices they’re falling off your relationships’ seesaw. They cannot become secure with you because it’s impossible for a Narc’s true-self to sense the 2nd of Maslow’s needs (So will behave unapologetically worse than animals to at least feel better about it or take everything you love, destroy you then discard You). However, they’re inflated ego the world sees has calculated conviction to mask these deep insecurities of theirs and gaslight blame for their behaviour unto You or others they triangulate from You. As I share my children with mine, I’m experimenting with connection to my Narc’s true-self (inner child) while not disenfranchising her magnitudes larger ego she self-identifies as. I don’t believe she’s evil or a bitch like all that know her refer to her but instead, as a scared, lonely soul knowing no other way to cope than get the help of the law of the land to extort, use and destroy the lives of everyone else including our own children. It’s done in order to protect her own fragile ego which is the only love she has in this world. Why? Because it’s very well-funded under a ruse of political correctness yet sexist organisations that secretly lobby bills to further reward the Narc’s behaviour in society now growing exponentially for over 1/2 a century. So Anne Bruecks, it’s only a weakness to our fragile egos. So don’t care what people think and consider doing what You have to, to not threaten the Narc’s perceived balance of insecurity in the relationship seesaw. Of coarse, if you can drive a respectful wedge between You & Your Narc I’s prefer much more
I am glad I read your comment. I have been saying for years to the people around my father that you can't tell him anything that is important to you because he will weaponize it. I am glad that I am not the only one to make note of it.
Marilyn they were prob not little achievements, they were prob big achievements made to look small by mummy dearest who wouldn’t acknowledge them. Good thoughts Sister. Good thoughts.
From what I hear from my friends, no achievement is little. My mother is a narc too, and it is so weird to live in an enviorment where it isn't a big deal when something falls and/or breaks or when I am not able to put everything in the dishwasher 'correctly'. Be proud when you were able to do the dishes or when you fold up your clothes! Those aren't as little as you may think ^^
Hugs to you, I wish for success and happiness to you. Whatever achievement I have made in life is never acknowledged by my mom, therefore I have always felt invisible. It's tough to strive for success when there's nobody cheering you on.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and it was hell. I spent 18 years trying to get his approval and for him to say he is proud of me and never got it. I'm 28 now and I washed my hands with him. I will always love him as he is my father, but sometimes you gotta move on even if it's from family.
I just left my house 2 months ago. I met someone I let my gaurd down with them. Went home forgot to put it back up father did the normal stuff I'm used (you know narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, condescending, aggressiveness and projecting his insecurities) didn't guard myself and scared that person who I cared about away. Went a little psycho not gonna lie because of not putting my gaurd up. Realized the reason why I was doing this was because of him and left home. It's a shame said person went to school different city. Not sure if I will see them again, I have a nagging feeling I will just time will tell. At the very least they helped me clip the strings he had on me. I'm getting help have someone professional to talk to etc. I'm a hell of alot better just wish I happend different.
@@maggiecalos4101 Amen! I learned to depend on God only. Family, friends, they will always let you down at some point. It's okay, God's love is more than enough. Just got to pray for them
Mine was my mother. She was a miserable person. Religion was here sanctuary. Yet she made our life hell! My younger sister took on our mother’s role. She is worse than the devil. Unfortunately, she learned MORE from our sister in law who couldn’t control her husband (pedofile). Her children struggle in their personal life. all you said was true about them. Extremely insecure over achievers, with masters / PHD degrees, and are the most insecure I know.. its sad, that the only way to break the tie with my sister the narc, was to sever our relationship. I grew as a person, where as she is still her miserable self. Haven’t talked for over 20 years. Sad 😞
7:48 This is really important to say. You can be raised by a narcissist, and then you behave similar to them because that’s what you were taught. It takes years to unlearn the things this parent has taught you. And then to understand how wrong it is. But just because you behave like them doesn’t make you like them on the inside. Once you realize it’s wrong you can change.
@@duke3250 It IS dishonesty, but I've noticed very often they genuinely mean what they're saying. So the gaslighting is often from self-deception, and it's maybe the worst/most infuriating kind because the person believes with every ounce of their being what they're saying. The ones who obviously lie can be spotted a mile away. The ones who lie from self-deception, are far, far more difficult to spot.
Read this book about self-parenting. I read this book by Stephanie Kahl in German. Not sure if there is an english version. But you can look up for similar books on the topic.
Yes, exactly what i came here to say, thanks Kate. They are completely static and absolutely structurally unable to change. Their whole psychic energy is used up to keep their false personality together. There isn't any possibility of questioning, critical thought about much really, especially not themselves and their actions. They would sooner die.
I wish they cleared it up more, but I thought they were talking about if you have similar habits that a narcissist had that remind you of your parent not to beat yourself up (as the children of them often do), but to remember that you are self aware and getting better. The true narcissist is never aware and their past and their pain does not excuse what they do to people. That's what I took from it anyways. But yes, don't give them the chance to put you down again because you think you can fix them, it didn't work then and it won't ever work now! Stay safe and continue moving forward!!
They are the devil, you can be a victim & become an empath No cure for a Narc its not acceptable & shouldn't be tolerated & we shouldnt become enablers as enablers are "abusers" Super Empaths are dangerous as they even feel sorry for the evil
And sometimes they do see it, but just don’t do anything about it & keep denying it for as long as they can, until when they’re caught red handed.. though trust me, they are so weak they will deny it through their s
You might get across for a second, get a violent visceral reaction - fainting, vomiting - and then it all goes away. It will make you feel worse than before. I just don't. They see, they know, deep down, but it's pointless to try and have a grown up conversation with someone who has the outward psychology of a child.
Seems like a very nice man but sympathizing with a narcissistic parent can cause unbelievable damage. Find the strength, courage and support to cut ties with them. It’s crucial to healing.
What if you love them n they arent a full 100% narcistic? But still have tendancy to dominate n trample boundries b4 u notice 🤔 Iv already cut off my dad etc n dont wanna lose the rest o my fam via my mum
I’m so grateful I had a fighting spirit as a child and knew I deserved better. All I wanted as a child was to move out and find my happy. Even after therapy It’s still hard as an adult especially with a child of my own now not having emotionally available parents/grandparents.
The worst part is when everyone ignores the narcissism or gives them a pass and when you tell the truth you are treated like an idiot until that person is screwed over themselves
In some cases I can understand (but still don’t condone) why people give them a pass, especially if they know that person well enough to have been subjected to narc rage. All part of the manipulation! Scare them into submission, so the narc doesn’t have to risk facing up to their own shit.
Grace and peace to you and yours.Indeed they shortchange themselves from the Psychological benefits of self awareness and accountability.Its out of the next adults control.The saddest story on earth.
Or in my case, my mother lied and talked so badly about me to the est of my family that they never spoke to me again. She got a real joy out of turning people against me.
My Mom would make creepy comments about my butt and boobs, and once she demanded that she watch me shower because she didn't think I was doing it right. Sometimes, I bawl my eyes out in the shower because I'm scared she'll come in and see me in the shower. Then when I get scared of that, I start crying because I hate thinking she'd do that. Its bad
3 ปีที่แล้ว +32
I was 12. Got a beautiful dress from my godmother for my birthday. One day coming home from school I found my mom wearing my dress.
I was raised in a household where my narcissist mother labeled her three children. My sister was the overachiever, my brother was the problem child, and then there was me. If you have a child who is the best, my sister, and one who is the worst, my brother, there’s no room for anyone in the middle. I was the left over and treated accordingly. I went no contact 18 years ago with my family to save my own sanity. It was the best decision I ever made.
My mother sat back & didn't even report it to the Police when my 9 & 10 year old sisters were getting raped by grown men & my brother & I were getting bashed by them.I put up with her indifference & abuse because I thought that when it comes to family that our loyalty & commitment to them is unconditional .....until my therapist said to me that "I know you think that family is important, but your mother is so harmful that you need to sever all ties with her" which over the last couple of years, I have done.I found your being apart from your narcissistic mother for 18 years & that it was the best decision you've ever made comment inspiring
I broke away from my mother for 15 years to save my own sanity. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. I was able to form my own identity without the gaslighting that became part of the whole family dynamics.
My mom’s family thought my dad was a good person for a long time. Since mom died, he doesn’t feel the need to act and they’re finally seeing him for the cruel, petty and self centered man he is. It’s fantastic to see his mask slip and truth being told.
@@Tshanholtz1991 You will NEVER parent like your mother. Her example, and your love of your children, will lead you to do the opposite of what she did. I have 3 daughters and they're wonderful! Just wish I'd kept them from her.
Well that's good to know because I've asked myself that when I found out that I had been raised by a narcissist. Come to find out I have more of the borderline personality disorder I reject people I have no long-term relationships because I would rather reject them before they reject me I don't feel worthy that's part of the narcissism that was put upon me. Anyway I have asked myself or thought that possibly I would have narcissistic behavior from being raised by a narcissist but I was the one child that she put all of her blame on to all the other children were taught to hate me because I was the bad one. Moving on
For years, literally decades, my sister who's a psychiatrist has been saying our mother is a narcissist. I've defended mother. Didn't want to believe it. Finally at age 60, after our tiny 95 old mother turned our other many siblings into a narcissistic cult, aimed at me, I finally got it! Now I understand why my psychiatrist sister detached decades ago. It was survival for her. And it was healthy. Now she's coaching me, and I'm finally hearing her. It wasn't that I didn't listen, I just couldn't hear cuz I was trying to sort out and make sense of what was our family. I needed to believe we had the coolest family. I truly believed that. Until, all their worst traits came out all at once, aimed at me. So what to do? I have turned and I'm running the other way as fast as I can, to finally start living! I've let go. I've lightened my load. And it feels so good
Education really helps..I only knew about mental health just in 2015 I think only reading a book in Abnormal Psychology and watching TH-cam videos....I thought I was alone with my situations...I have two narcs in my life .I can't stand the trauma
@@lilac624 i was a therapist for many years and had two narc parents. i have found the only way to get any peace is to totally disconnect from them, no communication at all. wish i'd done that myself, they are dead now but now i know this.
As I was read a quote from Melody Beattie author of “Codependent No More”. She said: “One needs to detach with love, or detach with anger, but detach.”
He was spot on when he talked about emotional intimacy requiring a certain level of vulnerability and not the concern over who has more "power" in the relationship. SO TRUE.
It's the lack of real emotion behind it when they say it that makes it so awful. If someone was really torn to bits, was really sincerely apologizing for where they have lacked, it would be a whole different thing. Sorry you find yourself here too Mr. Orange.
@@organicsunshine9853 The intention underneath is important. I hace trouble with my teenager girl and I could picture myself telling her that in a true to my heart way, really meaning I am sorry I wasn't enough for you, I wasn't able to get you sooner or better... Is that bad? I see her struggling with body image, with self confidence. I really wish I would have seen it before and knew how to help her building some strength around me and her family and within herself with time...
Grew up with a narcissistic mother, I didn’t like her double binds, I was very rebellious, I’m so glad that I ended up realizing that what she did wasn’t normal, that I could live without her, I struggle with the trauma and I can sometimes take on her behaviors, but I’m trying hard to be better, to not be her
Girl me too. It took 25 years. Its sad but i know ive taken on her characteristics but i am now an empath, a clairsentient. I feel wayyy too much but i also love more now. I also had an ego death on lsd and realized lying stealing and cheating anything to hurt anyone; hurt my soul inside and realized if i were to die at that moment i would not have liked where i ended up at first; although we get a life review and everyones first "moments" after life; are crucial but being aware in this life and working on being a better person are all good things. Ive been struggling with addiction and ive changed my ego as if i was reborn. And was sober for almost a half a year but then my mom had a stroke and got diagnosed with breast cancer; and that tore me up inside so i started using again. But i always try and see the positive of things in life. Im a wayyt better person i just have been struggling with addiction again and thats the only bad thing thats occurring in my life right now. Me and my mom are getting along way better; i am there for here despite how i was raised;
@@lyndseymae8313 I’m happy that you both can be happier now than in the past, addiction is hard i was addicted to pills for four years, I’ve been clean for almost two, but i relate with the feeling way more and being an empath, it’s a curse and a blessing. I hope that you can find your happiness though, take care, and be safe!!
@@lyndseymae8313 I hope this helps; look up here Marisa Peer, if you haven't been familiar with her. She's a therapist with videos here on TH-cam teaching on how to speak positive words to our minds that it listens. It is difficult, very difficult. But nothing is impossible to us once we set our minds to do it. Remember 1) if someone did it before you, so can you; 2) you are not the only person who is going through it ; so 3) research, look it up better ways , what would help YOU; because we are UNIQUE; And what helps one person is not the same for others so we must keep looking 4) never , ever, give up 5) most importantly: THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY No matter what happens we figure it out. You can do it. Right now, as we speak, Dr Jordan Peterson, a known clinical psychologist is battling for his life. Prescribed antidepressants, life issues (wife battle with cancer, daughter's health issues) all piled up and got the better of him. No one☝️in this life, is exempt from life issues. It is OUR responsibility to get better; get out of them; move forward. If you want to follow an spiritual approach, a different spiritual style, look up Change Church with Dr Dharius Daniels. IF this is something you feel inspired to do. I will try to find a link for Marisa Peer, Pastor Daniels and come back to post it here. Here's Pastor Daniels' link th-cam.com/video/k6zz-MD7ohU/w-d-xo.html
Yep. I literally stopped the video and bawled. Even when my life is going well everything feels completely overwhelming for exactly this reason. It’s insane.
@@TheyStalkMe I 100% understand were your coming from. I've been a minimalist for several years with same thinking as yours. You can have anything you want, change all that negative programming learned from childhood. Money is energy, abundant. At bedtime affimation videos and hz frequency videos work great to change to positive self beliefs in subconscious mind. I encourage to research, take what works for you and leave the rest. Wayne Dyer is really good in explaining. Joe dispenza is great. Law of attraction is emotions backing up a thought you have and energy or higher power giving back to you your focus. Gratitude from the heart as if already having quickest way, not always easy. Life is easier if I don't have anything, I use to think that way. For years I tried to find an off grid community, I've found the best place seek acceptance is from within.
Same. Every time I feel like I’m just imagining it, I go back to the few friends in high school who pointed out to me what was happening, even when I didn’t believe them and justified my mom’s actions. Even though I wasn’t in the mental/emotional state to hear and understand it then, remembering them telling me that I wasn’t being treated right has been helping me process things now.
My mum was so happy when my brother at 40 was diagnosed with bipolar, she told the world about it. Now I have knowledge I can see it gave the reason why he failed at school, ran away, had fights, stole, prison and so on. It validated it all. How sick, how sad He recently grew magic mushrooms to self medicate his mental health and she personally told me she is so proud of him, like he was a medical professor or something. This gave her validation that her brain washing him to think he is ill has gone to another level , she had succeeded and got away with her abuse. He believes he is ill. The medication didn’t work cos he doesn’t have bipolar
I fully get this. It’s instant vindication for the Narc parent. I’ve seen it, and it’s sick. If it comes down to the Narc parent or the child, the Narc parent will always sacrifice the child.
Maybe the mushrooms helped a bit. It’s import to realize vit D is needed to keep the problems away. Vit D, cod liver oil are key if you have any diagnosis of autoimmune challenges. th-cam.com/video/fDBZM1n_uDE/w-d-xo.html Dr. Berg Personally I’ve taken 52 k iUs for one week. Night and day difference. I’ve had ms for 24 yrs. it’s not easy. Make sure fluid intake isup. If high supplement doses taken over several months. Over dose symptoms might arise. Usually daily doses 60 iUs for several months can lead to overdosing effects. Watch for nausea, vomiting which are some of the first signs of overdosing.
@Marisa Martin ... is this a joke? Doctors aren't wizards, they don't magically know what your health problems are. All they can do is make an educated guess and hope for the best, so obviously they'll regularly turn out to be mistaken. This is why people always advise to go to multiple doctors and why the expression "getting a decond opinion" exists. Diagnoses are opinions, not magically divined ultimate truths, lmao
One observation I've made is that in these types of families whenever they tried to scapegoat a family member is mentally ill really what they're doing is like especially when they're a child the child is simply responding to the mental illness of the adults
As someone who has confronted my dad about his narcissistic behaviors as an adult, it goes nowhere. He spent the whole conversation trying to talk over me, deflecting, denying, playing victim, and verbally attacking me. Nothing was accomplished, sadly.
It should send you into anxiety mode, because it's a useless endeavor! I have my family basically in a sleeper hold with my argument for narcissism (meaning basically I pathetically put up with their abuse for so long, that they got extremely busy with life and less interested in winning because they thought I would never figure them out). OOPS I figured them out, even when you silence them with an air tight lawyer like defense, they will NOT change. Best to just walk away!
I can't believe I actually broke the cycle, reparented myself, learned how to let myself feel my feelings, communicate, let go of the need of control and was lucky enough to finally have good relationships with kind people. After years of healing and setting boundaries, even my mom's narcissistic behaviors milded down significantly since she is adamantly not being tolerated. Idk why I am being so blessed, but I'll keep doing my best. There's hope for you too, with all my heart I wish you to get to the other side
Rachelle C Now that I am being asked, I realize it’s a combination of so many tiny actions and thoughts, I feel like it’ll sound chaotic. - I went no contact with my narcissistic parent for 4 years and I had to stick to my decision every time it was challenged by others and even myself - At first I repeated patterns by choosing toxic people in my life and participating in toxic behaviors, but at some point I felt so terribly unhealthy, I had to remove myself from 95% of my social contacts - I spent 2 years in semi-isolation meaning I did go to work, I was with a kind family member, but I didn’t develop new relationships or maintained old ones, I spent most of my time reflecting on past patterns, behaviors and basically monitored myself 24/7 - I constantly educated myself on psychology and spirituality, trying not to seek ‘salvation’ or answers in any of the sources, just absorbing as much knowledge as possible and letting bits and pieces of it that made sense, be applied into my life - I went to therapy - I did self therapy ( writing down each and every little thing that may have offended me or hurt me ever since childhood, what I consider as things I can’t forgive myself for, what I dream of if I dare be the boldest version of myself, honestly anything...) - I implemented affirmations to switch negative thought patterns and learned to always look for root cause in each of my actions - I found a source of hope ( may be funny for some, but for me, I can say my biggest support was BTS and their music and it carried me through it all, also them being great role models with healthy behavior was a huge guidance) - Another funny one that helped me greatly, K-dramas were really useful in the sense that they showed me you can be straightforward and self-reflective with your feelings and words - a thing I’ve never thought of, as I was raised on American TV, where hiding feelings and having misunderstandings was all that. To me, K-dramas had healing and educational effect when it came to emotional intelligence - I put a ton of effort in letting go of any victim narrative in my head, I acknowledged every situation I felt as the victim in, and chose to no longer perceive myself as such - I worked really hard on understanding and forgiving my narcissistic parent, I’m still not 1000% there, but it truly helped me to see that them hurting me was nothing personal. Just because I wanted not to die someday in a bad relationship with them, I slowly started letting them back in my life after I felt strong enough. I did so entirely on my terms tho, unyielding and setting strong boundaries, with no expectations or hopes. I don’t want to change them, save them or help them, but miraculously, by promoting healthy behaviors and removing myself at even the shadow of toxic ones, conditioned them to be a version of themselves I can be around, sometimes even with ease. Of course, you don’t have to do this, even for a parent. By choosing your health, heart, soul, peace and betterment, you do the biggest favor to everyone else, because you promote and demand healthy surroundings. - I developed the habit of being curious when presented with a problem, instead of being distressed. I now ask questions, look for causes, observe and try different approaches until i’ve tackled it. Most importantly, I remind myself that problems are the reasons for new discoveries within myself and others, and that feels like a win each time - Most of all, I failed, wanted to die, cried, hurt, thought I’d never ever be able to be normal or at peace, I gave a chance to any knowledge or approach, I wished, prayed, hoped and at some point... I could breathe easier. I’m sorry if it was as chaotic and unhelpful as I think it may be, hopefully in the future I’ll be able to gather my thoughts and sources better. For now, I can only guarantee that it’s absolutely possible to get to the other side and heal well. I wish you all the best on your journeys 💜
I am so incredibly happy for you! I went to counseling and had to unlearn lots of ways of thinking. I still have work to do. I've just been seeing over the past month that my mom might be going over the deep end. Theres a camping trip this weekend, us and my grandma. Both of them need counseling and I've been gently suggesting it for years and they just wont go. I'm filled with anxiety about this trip. I want to cancel. But the anxiety of telling her I dont want to go has stopped me in my tracks. I've been in anxiety limbo over the past week about it. I need to just get up and say no thank you. I just know I'll be expected to give all my reasons and I'm not ready to do that...decisions... Idk why I'm sharing this...I need to. Thank you.
@@AveryCreates if you know you don't want to go - don't. What are they going to do? Maybe they could trap you in a car with unpleasant ppl. Then make you sleep in the woods with people who make you feel anxious. Or worse force you to act like you are enjoying themselves for their gratification. If you are going to hate you anyway stay home and do it while reading a book. 😂 Punish you over an oatmeal cookie while you're watching Netflix.
Heck yes, you nailed it. A great example is that my grandmother only ever compliments us if it's somehow a compliment about herself. Wow you look so pretty, you get that from me. What great style, you get that from me (while leaning in and whispering so no one else can here, 'you love that attention don't you, stop pretending like you're all shy and don't want attention). Any gifts are so she can be praised and tell people the stuff she's done for us. The truly sad thing is how codependent my dad is with her. He thinks she's wonderful but all she's ever done is made him feel like shit about himself while five minutes later buying him something and saying see I buy you this b/c I love you.
I’m in the same situation I’m now old enough to live on my own but My little sister is about to go through the same thing I did. My prayers are for your sister ❤️
2:45 Vulnerability and trust are two sides of the same coin. You can't be vulnerable to someone you can't trust. You can't trust someone who violates you.
At the age of 22, I am realizing how greatly this has affected me my whole life. I always wondered why I was always trying to appease peoples needs before my own, wondering why I assumed people were constantly judging me negatively before they ever even said hello, and why my inner voice was vaguely reminiscent of my mother; harsh, hyper-critical, and extremely self-defeating. I now know why my life is the mess I face today. I developed a stutter at age 3 as a result of this, I suspect. I can barely speak to people due to fear of judgement and embarrassment, and my mental health is at its worst point ever. To anyone going through this, you are not alone. We have a heavy burden to overcome but it is our cross to bear. Keep looking forward and never back down, the road may be long but you are stronger than the obstacles you will face. Have faith and make an honest effort to change this and begin to live the life you never had. Good luck and God bless.
What has helped me to believe it's not my fault and solely their own issue and not take it upon myself, is Narcissism is an Empathy deficiency and to look at the Narc as empathy disabled because they are.
I'm 20. I started to recognise something was deeply wrong with them at age 17 and I made changes to my lifestyle to accommodate for that. Like spending more time in my room, being active when they were asleep etc. all of this was to avoid them completely to stop any altercations from happening. It's only now at the age of 20 though they I know what this psychological torment is called.
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Thank you good Dr, for engaged and clear talk! Can a CPTSD mother be a narcissist too? Will a sensitive, intelligent child automatically be one too?
Narcissists may not BE evil, but they can certainly DO evil and cause terrible, maiming harm to innocent victims.
Why do therapists deny one therapy? Why don't psychiatry want to give therapy?
It’s seems difficult for two Narcs to be in a relationship together. Who’s getting narc supply?
@Bartholomew Henry Exactly! I agree and well said!
Malignant Narcissists are a subset of NPD. Having read MScott Peck, and various authors, and with experience, I would call Malignant Narcissists evil. Malignant Narcissists are also called 'emotional vampires' i.e. they specifically set out to confuse you so you doubt yourself with their objective being to control you. They hurt you to feed off your pain, your emotions which builds their Narcissistic Supply. They are paranoid and sadistic. These are the evil ones. Then there are those Malignant Narcissists who have more than 1 Personality Disorder, sometimes several. The worst psychopaths and sociopaths, and the very evil are these people. Sadly for the world today, there is one in the Oval Office right now.
@@PrincessGold1 I agreed with you until your last statement.
A narcissistic parent can drain the energy and enthusiasm out of their children to such a degree that the children will have an inordinate need for solitude.
Amen!!
Yes. I'm pretty introverted.
I need lots of solitude or seem to thrive in it, was not raised that way. Get the struggles of being raised that way.
@@TH-eb5ro Yes, some people enjoy solitude... I think the difference is that some people gravitate *toward* solitude because it makes them happy, whereas others shy *away* from social interaction because it drains the life out of them. The best way I can think of to describe it is that many adult children of narcissists can work long hours at solitary occupations - even very physically or mentally demanding ones - without tiring at all. But just one hour in an unnecessarily competitive work environment - even if the job is otherwise both physically and mentally *undemanding* - can make those same people feel like they've already worked a full week...or longer 😞
So true, it’s so true!
It's even worse when you come from a culture that tells you that confronting your elders is disrespectful. The guilt trips & gaslighting are rolled into one.
@Jessica I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My mom has told my husband that he should hit me for acting up. Of course she'll deny ever saying it but it happened. We had a nasty encounter three weeks ago were she denied she said that she wanted nothing to do with me. It's very painful having mothers like this. Just know you're not alone.
Yesss!! Hispanic & Catholic here.
My mom basically'd be like, don't talk back! Just say you're sorry & show remorse for ____! (Even when I wasn't to blame) Which I'd do, to keep the peace. Of course later on there'd be the, I'm still trying to get over the time you ____! 🙄 yay the gift that keeps on giving.
Always guilty until proven innocent. And I was rarely allowed to prove my innocence. If I did manage to defend myself/clear my name, it didn't always take. 🤦🏻♀️ Time would pass and she'd be back to her version of events.
It's no wonder I began lying. It was, well not easier, but less stressful.
I speak up no matter how old or how young. Thats something I value in myself that I will always be able to be transparent no matter intimidation
@@tigerofwu I had a man who doesn’t have ANY real relationships/love at all tell him the same thing. I am sadly adopted into that way of thinking as well. My new b.f.s family doesn’t say anything when he has hit me. I can’t believe it. And then like with my first boyfriend I felt bad because his childhood wasn’t perfect (remember that didn’t mean bad he would tell me it was but honestly idt he was mistreated if he just empathized with his grandma and other ppl struggling he’d have realized they did everything for him unless he concealed some crazy secret) the new one his brother is just as crazy was with his girlfriend then tried to smack my ass then slapped his girlfriend) like these people are nuts and loose or lack compassion and ppl need to stop them. I used to care a lot about ppl who were z given the best in life but my b/f before the first one used to force me to take drugs and wasn’t very compassionate either and he actually was the one with the nice house but had actually been raped but he raped people too lol like NO stop having compassion! Start fighting and stop letting ppl feed you the bullshit that they had it tough and can’t help themselves. They are ppl who do the things they do for power or profit and some might be being abused in the process but then they need to find help NOT Continue to treat people like scum.
Not to mention the Honor Your Mother and Father one. (Narcissists are incapable of taking constructive criticism, they think you're attacking them and therefore disrespecting them.)
I've heard a quote saying, "those who have narcissistic parents won't stop loving the parents they stop loving themselves" that hit me so hard
Awfully true 😢
I personally stoped loving both, my narcissistic mother and myself equally, but in the case of my mother, only when as nearly an adult, I figured out who she really was; when I started thinking what would I do as a parent myself, and realized she was the perfect bad example.
For me my mother stopped being a mother when I was 9 - 11 years old, its gradual. She's still my "mother" physically but some essential connection died when I was young and I look at her and feel nothing towards her other than disgust. But, when I am in her physical company my self worth drops through the floor. When I get away from her it pops back up eventually.
It's awful, I wish I could control it.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 I agree that there are people who finger point and lack a significant amount of self-awareness and responsibility..however, life is never that black & white. If you have studied the 12 steps then you know that good people do bad things sometimes and vice versa. It is possible to take responsibility for one’s own behavior while also acknowledging unhealthy dynamics you experienced as a child. That isn’t succumbing to victim culture or attaching on to a buzz word so you don’t have to face your faults…unfortunately, it’s just a response to the gray areas of life that affect us all.
@@Xhxifkfy4748 I also think it is possible that there is a psychological reason why children of narcissistic-leaning parents might hesitate when it comes to openly admitting faults. Some kids are unfortunately raised to believe that their successes are the only thing that defines them. Get good grades, go to this college, do this, don’t do that, represent the family, if you fail you are a poor representation of our standards, yada yada yada. I can imagine a mindset in which a young adult might struggle when it comes to facing their shortcomings as then they will have to emotionally tackle with their failures being the only definition of who they are as a human being (in the eyes of said parental figure or family in general).
I didn't become a narcissist.....I became an empath.....I broke the cycle. Raised my kids with unconditional love and support.....they are amazing and successful. I still am struggling to heal the traumas my parents caused.
Proud of you. Wishing you healing and peace. 💜
@@ca6248 ty God and Goddess bless you 🙏 ✨️
read about codependency, healing too.
I never had kids, but I was a nanny in 2 families and also worked in playgroups and I made a point of being the sort of adult carer a child would want to turn to and be happy to spend time with. I think I did a good job because those kids in both families chose to be more with me than with their parents. The only time they weren't with me was when I went to the loo! The elder boy in the second family would occasionally fake illness so his school would ring me to collect him. He was fine, he just wanted to be with me, something his mum said he never did with previous nannies. I believe someone has to break the chain somewhere or else we all end up basket cases. Looks like you did just that. Well done, you!
wtg! i recently had to remove myself from my dad. it hurt, but i can't allow myself to get hurt by him
I didn’t know until I realized that my adult friends who’s doing well were raised differently. Sometimes when I see a loving family, I suddenly feel emotional and lonely.
same fortunately my father's aunt and cousin stepped in to be my motherly figures but I can't help but think mbn to have a good mother whenever my friends mention theirs.
I feel like this all the time. Nothing I do is ever good enough. My parents never say they are proud of my accomplishments. I see my friends families bend over backwards for them, invite them to dinners and want to spend quality time with them. I haven't ever experienced any of this.
@@brittanyday8439 me either love. It really is a continuous, seemingly neverending, heartbreak.
Me too. Until I found the love of Jesus , I hurt so bad and I felt like I never belonged anywhere. I still have to run to find a place to pray when the feeling smashes into me unexpectedly. Talking to God is my only relief and after that I feel strong enough to talk to others and which builds me up more.
I recognized this as well. I have been dealing with my emotional eating and noticed when I even see a dad treating his son well on tv I become agitated and uncomfortable and eat because it's a difficult thing to see. It's like I feel sad and.bad all at once.
I also feel like narcissistic parents raise children who end up being very empathetic and sensitive.
Jordaine so true
The scapegoat..especially
@@awisnow8613 thank you
Very true!!
Yes!!! 👊
I have literally written down hurtful stuff my mom has said in front of her while she was saying it, showed it to her immediately and said "this is what you just said to me" and she would immediately deny it, despite me writing it down while she said it. Inability to own up to anything or ever admit fault. Very strange
Ya! They never said that, eared that often! For the men, it's nerver their fault, always others faults. So, in their mind, they don't have to "ajust", to change or to say they're sorry!
I hate it when that happens!
Bc of many conversations with friends I came to the realisation a year or 2 ago that my mother is actually an adult and that I, as her daughter, am far from responsible for her behavior- even tho she told me that me and my sisters have much to do in the pain she has today
But yet! When I had my girlfriend at the time when I still lived full-time with my mother, I tend to record her while she was giving us a speech and send those to my gf. She would then say it was disgusting how mother us treated...
But overall, I don't think they will ever own up to their behavior, sadly...
I wish you the best of luck!
Then she'll just move to the next line of The Narcissist's Prayer;
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
at least, that's what my mother did when I presented video and audio recordings! And they're all pretty much the same kind of cracked
@@bexnewt Omg that is so accurate! It really sucks that they act so childish... I hope you are alright and that you are in a safe place full of love, and if nit, then I hope you'll be there as soon as possible ^^
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 Aw, thank you! All the best to you as well :)
plus...a narcissistic parent won't allow the child to form a relationship with a positive, caring adult (out of jealousy and fear of losing control)
This really helped me understand why I didn't have a strong relationship with my other parent when I absolutely wanted one from since. Can remember. TY?!
When I was little, my mom got mad at me because I wrote in my diary that my aunt is nicer to me and she felt like a mother. Instead of talking to me my mom yelled at me an ignored me for weeks.
My mother was jealous of any affection with my father.
I was hesitant to cuddle him as she was always supervising and nearby.
😓
That’s true.
Never was allowed to form relationship with father. I tried talking to him once when I was 14. My N. Mom came in, ignored me, and told my father she'd divorce him if she ever caught him talking to me again. She also did not allow me friends or my siblings. I
and when u try to confront them or communicate ur feelings to them about how they’ve hurt you or caused you any traumas... all of a sudden ur ungrateful and it turns into them being the victim and unappreciated for the things they’ve done for you as a parent.
this video resonated
100%
A narcissist cannot validate or care about anyone's elses emotions or trauma except thier own. I have recently found out the hard way. You cannot talk to them about any damage they caused.
I make foreskin restoration equipment. My family has all but disowned me. I’m thinking it’s better to know upfront who I’m dealing with and act accordingly.
Woah, this sounds exactly like my parents
At 14, I told my mother I felt like she didn’t love me. She cried and went on and on about how my older brother didn’t love her. She KNEW I loved her. Therefore she didn’t need to do anything for me, because I already loved her. She needed to do more for my brother to make him love her. The whole time I was thinking “something’s wrong here!” But I didn’t have the sophistication to parse it out at the time. I’ve thought about that conversation a lot over the years. In my 20’s I figured it out. She never once told me she loved me at any point in that conversation! It was all about her and her pain. In my 30’s I moved back to my hometown. That’s when I realized I was dealing with major psychiatric issues with her. It was difficulty watch more than the first minutes of this video. She’s gotten so much worse over the years. I can’t deal with her at all anymore.
Omg so true
There is usually a golden child and a scapegoat in these families.
So true!
Yes, my sister was the golden child, I was never good enough
It carries over into grandchildren. Playing favorites
Nikki Gravley I know that only too well. My mother has limited contact with my children for many reasons, but that’s one of them.
I was the golden child and it SUCKS.
Don’t forget, narcissistic parents expect their children to tow the line, be the good one, meet high expectations...... and they also get jealous of said child, when the child does well.
I lived out this truth. Ty!
That’s the most messed up thing! Undermining and sabotaging the child so they won’t be more successful than the parent. Sick!
@@tbpmermaid my business became more successful than my mother's. Her jealousy drove her to conspire with my 4 jealous brothers and ruin it all...
🙋♀️ right here!!!!!!!!
@@johnfroelich8554 sorry you had to go through that. I hope your life is going well. I get it. I've always said, I don't have a mother and 3 sisters, I have 4 mothers.
I remember as a young man going to friends houses and being genuinely confused by the lack of tension: I though all parents screamed at each other and tore each other down on a regular basis. It sort of made me uncomfortable being around others families that were more secure, like there was something wrong with the peace and love I was seeing from the outside
Nailed it.
Omg, I'm always shocked when I see normal family members interacting.
I can relate to that!
Absolutely. The VIBE at my friends’ homes was such a relief! Also, they usually didn’t want to come around our place because of my old man. Narcissistic rage if you didn’t do what he expected.
I remember going to my grandparents house or my cousins houses. They weren't like insanely happy or anything. Just normal disagreements or siblings picking on each other but there wasn't the same tension. Even in my aunts house where she'd been divorced and her kids were struggling a bit. My narc mom was always talking about how mean they'd been to her and how they say all kinds of terrible things about her behind her back and I never believed it because I could sense that my cousins were secure and loved and I was not, at least by my mother. I realize now she tried to turn me against anyone normal so I wouldn't see her crazy...
A narcissist would never go to therapy. They would never admit they need to change anything. My mother made me feel like crap my entire life. But my being upset was never considered to be a sign of a problem with her. It was me being ‘oversensitive’.
Alternatively, they often go to therapists who confirm their own beliefs.
My mother took me to a therapist. The therapist told her that she was a narcissistic personality and she was hurting me. She stormed out and never went back. She spent years blaming me and making herself a victim.
OMG. This is exactly me. As if I write this post!
Oh yeah. She always finds a way to get angry with me. If my feelings are hurt, she gets mad at me. What have I got to be sad about? How dare I ruin her day this way.
@@sabeaniebaby My mother never once said "I love you " until I was 54. Her favorite was "I just hate you " and she berated me if I cried as a child when she said that
"Aren't relationships supposed to be sources of comfort, not stress?" Thank you.
not for those who fear being alone more than death...
That’s what I always say. The world can be a crazy place. Home should be your oasis.
Yes
In an ideal world, all relationships would be. But here on earth, it’s a pipe dream.
Wow! Are they ? 😆 never knew 😄😄😄 Im yet to experience that
“ Be the parent that you desperately needed as a child ” - I live by this quote since I unfortunately have narcissistic parents....
I did that and my parents were always telling me that I was spoiling my children way too much, with that condescending tone they have used all their lives. I am 48years old now, my kids are 23 and 19 and my husband, my protector, passed away three years ago and since than my parents behaviour has gotten out of control and I have been to weak to stand up to them or run away from them (which I have done my entire life). So now I am at a point where I need to see a psychologist 4 times a week and follow a program with other patients 5 hours a day . I feel so broken and useless that I can hardly function. And I have no idea how to stop them . Therapy should teach me that,hopefully.
I cud NEVER EVER treat any one let alone an innocent child LET ALONE MY OWN innocent child the way I was treated! Fancy jollies and material things aside I was emotionally manipulated and abused phisically and emotionally:(
@@aleksandraitaliaander8974 I had to move back in with my parents last year because of the fallout from the lockdowns. 26 years of almost no contact and now I've been with them just over a year, nearly completely alone.
My mother is the extreme end of NPD, my father is the loyal enabler/ emotional abuser at her side. They had 5 children, we all suffered in varying degrees but I was the scapegoat till I got out at 15, the violence and sadistic brutality was directed just at me.... They have been together 51 years now and are just as toxic.
I have realised today I feel like I'm rotting from my inside out. As hard as I fight it if I'm near them, and I am all the time, their toxicity is suffocating.
I hope you find away to get away without it hurting you. It's incredibly hard to get away.
I did everything the opposite of my family w/my child
That’s a healing force. Beautiful
You cannot address feelings with a narcissistic parent, you will be told to just "get over it". That's what my mother would say when I would try and talk about my less than stellar childhood!
"why are you living in the past?" "why do you wanna bring that up, you are always looking for a fight" ...............yeah pls gaslight the shit out of me
When parents fail their kids, its sinful! God said in His Word, the scriptures , that failing one's kids is sinful, and He said its no different than those ancient people who threw their children into the fire. He hates that. People who fail their kids are not going to like how it ends for them.
Narcissists are EVIL!.
so true, with narcissist parents there is no space for expressing how you feel. everytime it’s “you just need to get over it” then they’ll threaten to hurt you ? like what kind of parenting is that 😂
My mother would always say "oh you can't be scared of me, otherwise you wouldn't act like the way you do" and she loves guilt tripping me when we fight and I tell her she's acting out.
Children of narcissists are often hyper vigilant, anxious, perfectionistic.
Yes 🙁
Yup! That was me. A perfectionist who couldn't ever be perfect and that killed my confidence. It would have been great to have been taught that perfect isn't achievable. I was taught mistakes were BAD. Now I know mistakes are an intricate part of learning & living!
Well, you have to watch out for that temper constantly and the conditional love really f's you up.
What's fun is if you have one who is codependent and shielded you from the narcissist, so you also feel you need to take care of other people's self esteem.
Especially if they're both in clinical practice. So they have all the answers. And one dismisses and love bombs and criticizes and the other clinnnngggs. But then you start trying to heal and express boundaries and anger and that parent also dismisses.
Vent. It's a sad when you realize it's never going to work. If they realize for a second, they feel so much self pity its suddenly all about them. It's sad when people feel so out of control they have to control others. It's sad when you see them suffering but you have to get away, because there's love there, but you can't love yourself around them (unless it's a love bomb time!)
So yea, if anyone ever wonders "did I deserve that?" the answer if you have suffered, especially as a kid, is always no. Hope I just saved you $ for therapy. But also, get therapy. Just be careful of all the narcissists in mental health. It's a bit of an epidemic :P
Yes they say NArcs care about their looks!!! Sometimes mad with my case the guy was good...you know that covert narc that is different form all the other guys! You fall in love with this amazing prince! Yep! All lies! Left me for a child he watched grow up and she is of age now. I was sick and he discarded like they normally do. Yet he bonded with my parents after my brother died. They are sick! Run!
Yes, on point
Having children was never an option for me. I couldn't bear the thought that I may destroy another human in the way that I had been. I just couldn't risk it.
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i used to think like that too. Also if you were never allowed to be a child or have a normal childhood, you may want more freedom as less responsibilities as an adult to have the fun you never had as a child. A lot of us had to be the adults in the family, even as children.
I kept my kids well away from my mother. My sisters allowed her to babysit their kids but I never did.
I knew at 8 years old that I didn’t want children for the exact same reason you stated.
Probably because you think like that you are sensitive and you would do a great job as a parent. But yes it shows you had narcisitic parents or one of them at least. Thats doesnt mean you would do the same.
I'm convinced that narcissistic parents create mental patients. These parents literally drive their children insane.
I agree, we all come into the world whole and loving ready to develop who we are. It’s the parents that ruin us first, causing us to see the world as bad and live through that perspective to survive.
Bluntly true...talk about it!
@Anthony Dann I think we have forgotten about this problem, the impact that crazy making parents have on their children.
In the 60-s and 70's, there was a lot of talk about toxic communication, double bind etc. Professionals were aware of these problems and wrote books about them.
What they described was, basically, gaslightning. Dysfunctional parents destroyed their childrens self confidence on a deep level, in order to save themselves and their sanity.
And the possibilites to gaslight your own kids, are endless, I'm sorry to say.
If you grow up with malignant narcissists, you are living in a kind of semi-psychosis, paranoia etc. Of course you can loose it totally when you grow up like this.
These kind of parents cannot offer a sound representation of reality.
Word
Yes .......
I always thought the neighbors, while I was growing up, were just being nice taking me on trips with their kids or inviting me along to visit grandparents. I now realize they invited me along because they saw and heard how screwed up my parents were. My mom was a screamer and could be very verbally abusive. The neighbors tried to give me some source of normality.
Yes, me too. Our neighbors could see how little affection was between my mom and me. I would go to any house to hang out and it would be better.
Bless them for caring, and reaching out for you 🙏🏽
That is so nice of them that they did that without you noticing why when you were young. I was always jealous of families like that❤
Thank You Neighbors!
💚💚💚
You are lucky
The problem is that no one believes the children of a narcissist. I told many people, but no one ever believed me.
Yes so true ,sometimes speaking puts you in more danger !
ME TOO!!! Not even my best friend!! Everyone sees my parents as saints and pinicles of the community
Narcissists seem to be masters of the preemptive excuse. They know a child will call them out so they wage a campaign of disinformation within their own family to discredit that child before they can ever speak. Happened to me. Its sick and twisted to use family that way but thats what they are: users. Unfortunately patience is the answer. Sooner or later they tend to come off the rails and get exposed. That also happened for me recently and it actually set me back, so be prepared for that. I didnt see that coming.
I used to warn my friends about my stepmom...then they would meet her and she would act so fun and nice. She was only ugly when there was no one else around.
@@pudgeboyardee32 Thanks for the warning. This definitely hasn't happened yet.
DONT ADDRESS THE PARENT! doees not go well.. becomes "how dare you after everything I've ever done for you that never happened you're a liar"
That's been my experience. I gave up. Doing much better now.
😢
Lmaooo my life rn
In my case, any attempt to talk about things my mother had done to us would be met with her cutting me off and telling me how much worse SHE had it growing up.
Sums it up!
It’s really bad when your mother is a narcissist who portrays herself as a victim. Everything you accomplish, sees it as her own shine. “Look at what my child has done. Aren’t I great to have created such a person. Look at me!”
Mood. Mine is exactly like that.
“You are so beautiful as me.”
“You look like me, that’s why you’re beautiful.”
@@arielle7869 many have said my mother was jealous of me. Simply crazy to me!
@@cute4real846 They are jealous. They wish they could have our empathy and our pure beauty.
This is what I literally heard on my way home today after doing performances at school. When teachers complimented me to my mom all the way home she just said "I raised you well so you could become like this. You must be thankful. Without me, you wouldn't have been a single thing." It's just sickening to live with
My parents were so quick to put me on ADD meds and anti-depressants as a teenager when I was having problems in school due to truancy. Not once did they ever question how their own dysfunctional, abusive behavior was affecting their children. I didn't need medication. I needed a healthy home.
Yep. I always wondered why the medication and psych hospitals didn’t work. I started to believe that I was actually crazy. I often still do. I keep fucking up without even realizing because I question my own common sense.
Same, mood stabilizers at 6 cause of my anger issues, but what my parents never told doctors was the fact my dad has BPD and my mum seemed to lack any maternal instincts, when you have parents that don't want to talk to you you're going to be angry, don't get me wrong I had my problems but all I did was get punished rather than encouraged to be better.
During the abuse I was told, "What could you possibly have to depressed about?' Grow up baby.
@@darylkik777 so sorry you lived through that too.
This resonates. Thank you for sharing ❤it helps others like me
I think one of the hallmarks of a narcissistic parent is that they always appropriate your accomplishments. They are the ones who are always praising you in front of others but undermining you behind the scenes. You are never seen as a full person, always as an extension of their world, a player in their drama.
My father never appropriated my accomplishments, he simply negated them with criticism equating to how I had failed at whatever it was I did.
wow this comment is my grandma to a TEE!!!!!!! I was raised from a teenager on by her and my grandpa. MY mom left me and I haven't seen her in 15 years but now as an adult and what my grandma has done to my physiologically I can understand why she was the way she was and took off. She constantly dissects me as a human and never acknowledges my achievements or as soon as I tell her about something she compares it to something someone else she knows who did it better or had It worse. Then when I bump in to their friends and they say how proud of me she is its so hard and awkward to try and wrap my head around it. Thanks for this comment
True
Exactly
@@alkismith4577 My father told me that I was a "0" and that I'd never amount to anything. It hurt at the time, but later I thought ok... so continue to support the idiot.
Another response for children raised by a narcissist is to push out everyone for fear of being discarded again.
Yes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Thank you. I agree
Damn
Actually the narcissist parent will do whatever it takes to run off /run down anyone who gets close to their adult child. The reason being is the narc want that adult child to rely solely on them, even more so if its the opposite sex child and the other parent isnt in the picture.
Yes, it seems safer to do the discarding oneself, and gives the keeping of control (seemingly)
Checklist:
1. Ever feel like you have to go through great lengths to prevent a conflict with your parent, and that this responsibility lies solely with you?
2. Has your parent NEVER apologized to you for ANYTHING EVER?
3. And if you express that you feel you are owed an apology, or critique them in any way, will they get angry and defensive?
4. Is your parent always going on about how much of a disappointment you are?
5. Do you feel you might have done better in life if you had gotten some encouragement from home and been told you're good enough as you are?
6. When you observe the relationships of your friends and their parents, does it seem unnaturally perfect and make you sad and envious?
7. Are you generally afraid of asking for things you want, and even say no when offered things you want, in fear of being a nuisance?
8. Do you love solitude?
Edit:
Wow, never gotten this much response to a comment before. Either it's a damned fine comment or simply something that resonates with absolutely everyone, indicating that what I wrote applies to absolutely everyone's parents. Gee that'd suck if I, with my zero psychological degrees, inadvertently convinced 2.2k people their parents were narcissists.
Either way, since I have everyone's attention, perhaps I can offer some mending words on how to repair the relationship with your however narcissistic parent.
Step 1: Forgive them. They have a disease or something inside them that "excuses" their passive aggressiveness.
Step 2: Forgo your own narcissism and realize that, most likely, much of whatever is inside them that triggers their passive aggressiveness has been put there by you somehow. For instance, they may bear resentment because you're avoiding them. Even if in this particular case you're only looking out for your own interests (BELIEVE ME, I UNDERSTAND YOU!!), they are unlikely to bear any blame themselves.
Step 3: Confront them in whichever way is most natural to you. Basically, you'll wanna communicate that you want to mend your relationship. You might not like this, but I suggest starting by apologizing for whatever hurt you've caused them. In order to avoid putting blame on them and calling them out on their narcissism (this will only make them defensive), you actually excuse their behaviour and put the blame on yourself. But cleverly, you've communicated that their behaviour (caused by you) is insufferable to you and needs to end in order for your relationship to function. And now that you've apologized, they will have the perfect excuse to stop. After all, if they keep being passive aggressive now, they'll have to admit to themselves that it's THEM there's something wrong with (and they're not gonna do that).
Now, I don't know your relationship, and perhaps all you wanna do is scream in you parent's face that you're owed an apology for all the torment they've caused you. If this is the case, you probably shouldn't be overly apologetic in your approach as well as expect no apology in return, as this will feel unfair and deny you your much deserved catharsis which might leave you with feelings of resentment. Best of luck on sucking it up and making the compromise. Keep your eye on the price (a parent that doesn't emit passive aggressiveness)! I believe in your mental fortitude and capability of being as diplomatic as you can! Good luck, and also, good for you for taking the initiative!!
6 & 8 resonate with me. I'm a loner. I believe that my mother was autistic. My biological father was neglectful.
Everything except #4, I was always a honor roll student but my mother never complimented me personally but she would brag about me to others when I wasn't around.
I feel all of these points to one of my parent.. 💔😔
When I was reading the 6 th point I got reminded of t thing that I have never ever met any of my friend's parents except for one in my entire life.....
@@idontcare7165 Another trait of being with narcissistic parents, they never allow to you to socialise with ur friend's parents, they don't let u go out never ever, always controlling and blaming you for everything....
I didn't become a narcissist. I became even more of an empath. But I also became even more codependent. I always try to save other people even if I can't save myself.
equal but different
seeking cooperation not competition
Not an empath. It's called borderline personality disorder
Yes, it's borderline personality disorder. Empath is NOT a psychological condition.
Empathic disorder is a medical usually associated with personality conditions like BPD, Borderline personality disorder is childhood complex PTSD and causes this feeling of being an "empath" when really it is hyperfixing on others you think might hurt you.
@user-hu6lr3vr7g hyper empathy is from trauama. Its a super power at times but it came with a cost and being hyper empathetic can sometimes be draining. Its not bpd because thats way too specific and can be caused by tauma without having bpd
I feel people think this is a flex... I guess its better than being a narc, but its not authentic, or loving. You have as much as a motive as a narc. An empath is not healthy, just like narcs.
My signs of having had a narcissistic parent.... as an adult, I've dealt with/deal with: Peripetism. Desire for solitude. Difficulty prioritizing. Failure to focus on one line of work. Depression. Trouble finishing projects. Disorganized home. Lack of trust. Few friends. Feelings of emptiness.
That said, I'm a happy person today. I have a good marriage and a farm to work and enjoy.
Me!
Pretty much... 😞
Dealing with the same issues currently.. What did you do that helped?
@@Cevalip After an inexplicable rage attack that I had at 32...I went to counseling, with a competent and ethical therapist. She asked me to describe my family. I told her my dad was an average guy, who fought in WWII, and my mom was a perfect person. She then asked me to write a journal of incidents in my childhood that bothered me. I started writing and by the time I was done, had filled the book with over 300 incidents of abuse. In all of them, my mother was the instigator and beneficiary. The rest of us were victims. This took the scales off my eyes. I'd been taught since birth, by my mother, that Dad was the "bad guy" and to blame him whenever anything went wrong. In actual fact, mother was the primary abuser in our family. I then wanted to know why she was this way.
I knew she was passive aggressive, but only learned the root of her behavior - narcissism - very recently. I'm still learning. I've been no contact with her for over 30 years (I'm 65 now). She still tries to hoover me via relatives.
I still struggle. Knowing people like Angie - even if only through the web- helps me cope. I'm willing to accept a bit of a struggle with lingering symptoms, if that's what my freedom costs.
Where my mother is concerned, I have only one thought: never again.
you just described a lot of symptoms of many things .. for instance .. ADD or ADHD .. which I have. Perhaps I am also narcissistic ?
"Narcissism means no self awareness, no accountability"
Did you meet my father???? (Joking/not joking 😁)
@@emilyfarris563 My mom is, too. I saw it as so common that I actually dated a Cluster B woman for two years. It wasn't until I dumped her and endured her smear campaign that I began reading about Cluster B, and now I recognize my mom is that way, too.
After my mother died, when I was 40, my narc father remarried and is now showing the WORST parts of his narcissistic self. He cannot be accountable for himself at all. It's incredibly sad. He has no awareness, and he bullies and abuses people in his life. He has very little contact with people he used to be very close with. HIs wife has BPD, and is a narcissist, as well. I have had to cut them both out of my life.
Lol I was just gonna say something like this 😂
Last Christmas I experienced rage from an in-law. Scared me. Confused. He caused doubt. And I was so flustered at his lack of dignity towards me, that I pointed at him with my phone. He claims I got him.
"To a narcissists image is EVERYTHING." Preach!!! It's all about keeping up appearances.
Oh yeah. Doesn't matter what's going on. Just what people THINK is going on.
My boyfriends dad is an alcoholic narcissist and I just followed him around everywhere when he tried to mentally abuse my boyfriends mom because I knew his appearance was the sole thing that mattered to him. Then he tried to turn my boyfriend against me, needless to say it didn’t work and I told him to sit on it and spin. I don’t think I’ve ever come so close to hitting someone before in my life and I’m not violent.
and they can become violent and dangerous if their image is threatened..
@@haleysmith8804 Dad was alcoholic/drug addict, Mom was a Narc. I was the oldest child who tried to be perfect & fix everything for everybody! So typical.
@@haleysmith8804 I'm so sorry you went through that but yeah turning people against you is such a typical move for a narcissist because they derive some sick sense of pleasure from manipulating others and scapegoating you. A narcissist ALWAYS has to control the narrative it's a power trip for them. Sorry to hear about your situation but I am glad you got out of it! x
“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” -Carl Jung
I know that “I absolutely love Carl Jung. How incredibly true!
That is so awful
So true...I was always reminded that I was a mistake & prevented (parent) from fulfilling thier dreams
True!
Brilliant.
My dad is a narcissist and my mum had multiple mental illnesses so I’m on my own but I’ve got my dog and he means the world to me!
I need a dog it's been a decade since my last dogs.
Now i have you all 3 guys
The dog finally gives you the unconditional love you deserve.
Beautiful Timea - I have cats - I always prefered animals over people relationships. I think because of my childhood and the cruelty inflicted. Best wishes, keep going, we are love.
I feel you!!! My dog saved me lol
Important sign: you watch every “signs you’ve been raised by a narcissist” video on youtube.
HAHAHAHA
that is a sign
@rmiddlehouse Does it mean, it's the narcissistic community writing the comments on this section?
rmiddlehouse lol made me laugh heartily
@@florafauna5883 narcs breed narcs...
There are barely any "normal" ppl left on the planet anymore...
@@kathyinwonderlandl.a.8934 Me too!
There honestly isn't even an accurate way to explain the hurt that one goes through when being raised by a narcissist..They literally ruin you. Your self esteem, self confidence, vulnerability is all gone. You're never content, you're always looking over your shoulder, not to mention the amount of anxiety that sticks with you for years after. Being raised by narcissistic parents is not a joke and people need to be taking it more seriously. I believe that narcissistic parents raise mental patients. It's that bad. The gaslighting, the manipulation. It's enough to actually drive someone to the point of no return. My youngest sister was suicidal and cutting at the age of 13 because of my narcissistic Mother. Narcissism is NOT a joke.
Edit: Oh my goodness...I've read all of your comments and I've been brought to tears. I'm so proud of every single one of you. You're all heros 🤍
Marissa Carter_as someone who has a covert narcissist mother and a co dependant father I agree. I have been very messed up most of my life. Only realising what my parents are 4 years ago in 2017. Although always knowing something was wrong.
But I concentrate on addressing issues with me, as I only can be the change in myself not others.
Yep. Im not religious, spirituality tho! But anyways i cant help but feel these narcissistic are just straight up fucking demons or SOMETHING cuz like ever look into the eyes of your narcissistic, during an episode? They're evil, so empty. Just ugh i cant even explain it, its just a deep dark empty evil ppl. Why. Its not logical. The closest thing to compare is a Evil being. I dont understand it.
I’m close to that point. I might even be at that point.
@@silenceafterviolence2596 Oh my goodness you explained it perfectly. I’ve looked into the eyes of my own mother as she choked me and it was just…empty. No empathic human emotions. It makes my skin crawl even thinking about it. Even as a child I would subconsciously construct an image in my mind that my real mother was replaced by a devil.
I’ve never truly knew why I hated women so much... until I realized the root issue was my mother
this is my husbands mother in a nutshell. the only way to deal with a narcissist is to NOT deal with them at all. they just aren't worth it.
Amen to that. I am currently living with my 66 year old narcissistic mother. Her husband died from CoVid and he was always her puppet. Now I'm the puppet and re-living my childhood all over. Wish I had kept the No Contact decision going. It was a huge mistake getting back into this swamp called narcissism.
I like hearing that. Thankyou.
@@adrunkgorillawithalobotomy353 get OUT!!! no good will come of this for you. save yourself. she is beyond saving. whatever she says or does to keep her slave is a manipulation. narcissists don't have relationships-they have victims. and they don't love like the rest of us do. your value to them is in direct relation to what they can get out of you. they really don't care about you. you will live with the scars of that dynamic the rest of your life. but you sure as hell don't have to continue living with your abuser. if she needs help to live her life, then put her in a nursing home and BLOCK her. you had the right idea in the first place. you owe her NOTHING. repeat that to yourself like a mantra!
No contact is way important! We are not therapist specializing in Narcissism. If you are on the one down position having compassion especially with a vulnerable narcissist is an endless loop of crap that never stops.
Sorry but when its a parent that is akin to saying that a dead parent is preferable to a flawed one that is at least somewhat accessible. For better or worse you can trust your parents in a way that you can't trust anyone else. Yeah it sucks when they break you but it doesn't change the reality that the world is a cold place and nobody out there is invested in you. Nobody wants to see you happy or will fight for you. Nobody will see your success as a positive thing. A narsissistic parent raising you may not be perfect but it's better than having no parent and being preyed on by the whole world from a very young age.
My parents are not perfect but i am still happy that they are alive. I understand that they are narsissists and dangerous but i still like the fact that they are alive and available for me to make my self vulnerable to. Because the only other person would be a therapist and they definitely don't give a fuck about you as a person. Many therapists openly wish they had enough money to not have to do their work.
"To the narcissist, image is everything". So true!
Plastic ppl
Yep, I remember one night my narcissistic father was raging and I had a panic attack and called 911. When the paramedics were helping me, my narc father raged at them and forced them to leave. I told him I called 911 because I couldn’t breathe. He went berserk and shouted, “WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK???!!!???
@@elizabethd.2398 They're broken people, unable to feel empathy. Greetings from Uruguay.
Yep! It's pretty much the essence of narcissism.
@@elizabethd.2398 yep!
"Narcissism means there will be no self awareness, no accountability." So true! And so simply put! Thank you.
Cassie Winter ironic then the image of Narcissis in a mirror. It’s always meant to show vanity, but it could be showing really seeing oneself lol
Also another mind screw- sometimes they do see, or partially see, or pretend to see, or temporarily see these things... then snapping out of that without warning & rewriting history or pretending it never happened 😂 you can use the phrase “take responsibility” substituted in those instances above as well.
I like how he the way he talked about being vulnerable and accepting vulnerability from others. Very well put together
My ex husband was a narcissist. He however, viewed our sons as tiny Bob, intelligent and superior to all other children and me. There were no consequences or responsibility. I in fact was nothing more than a servant to his and their needs. We have 6 sons all of whom fundamentally believe that I am inferior in every way. Because they were Demi Gods, they rarely challenged God. Consequently, he elevated them to ensure that they never suffered from a lack of self esteem. He even celebrated their tenacity and flagrant lack of respect against any authoritarian even the law. Once he raced with the oldest son on an interstate going over 100 miles per hour and all of our sons between the 2 cars. When I called him on it, criticizing the example on our young emergent drivers, he said "I wasn't racing, I was just keeping up", which got a great chuckle from all of them.
Just like a lot of alcoholics I have known.
" If I achieve this that or the other.. then FINALLY I'll be good enough."
Damn... now I'm crying
that's the feelings we get but our success is never good enough for the narc. They try to knock us down, so they can raise themselves up.
Problem comes when you never know what’s expected of you. No matter what you do, it’s dismissed, so how can there even be a clear goal for achievement?
@@mgtowfrank2502 I am giggling now because I never realized this was a problem until my daughter (31 now) was 7 and got a 0 on an assignment in class that I knew she'd dome. She showed it to me. When we went to see her teacher, she said it wasn't that she hadn't done the assignment, it was that she had a list of things to do every day, and the writing was the first thing did every day as it was her favorite. "She writes her story, then reads it and edits, then rereads and edits and edits and edits until she runs out of time and never gets to anything else." I was in my therapist's office the next day asking how to change my behavior haha I am so grateful I had a good one and that I did that work. My daughter has grown up to be brilliant, creative, happy and well adjusted. I am so grateful. I wish you all the vey best in every way. I will tell you that healing hurts. They dont' tell us that. And you must know that if you choose to do that work, probably noone else will. But that doesn't matter. You do. Take good care of you. You deserve the best and to be Loved and celebrated. Blessings and Blissings to you. Be Well!
TOO REAL RIGHT 😳
@@Pete...NoNotThatOne No joke. Everybody in my life is a narcissist by that measurement alone. I loved school because it was the only place where I knew what was expected of me and I could actually be appreciated for my efforts. I just told my husband yesterday that I didn't want to buy some elastic that he asked me to because I know that no matter what I buy, it won't be right. My parents were like that, both my husbands have been like that, my siblings are like that, and my own children treat me like that. I have a master's degree, I'm a Phi Beta Kappa, but they treat me like I'm a total screw-up.
Yes! Relationships are supposed to build us up NOT tear us down. 💗
That's a very narcissistic statement! Relationships have ups and downs, can build us up or take us down. We are humans with empathy and a sense of responsibility. Relationship is not a career or a gym in which we look for constant build up. Your statement completely undermines the concepts like devotion and dedication.
@@jeffmorrison2915 Of course we have ups and downs, thats a given. Healthy individuals work through those and are stronger for it, thus the experience is a growth experience and ultimately a positive one that builds character.
That statement is a quote from the end of the video brother
My dad would say "you better go say sorry to your mother". I'd say why? He would say "I don't know but she's not happy". Her mood would determine everyone's mood. If my narcissistic mother wasn't happy, then my dad would send me to fix it.
Same here
Same
yes!!! it’s so exhausting isn’t it
I hate how they make us feel guilty for defending ourselves. I hate how they make me feel. I hate myself because no matter how bad they hurt me, I still can't hate them fully. I hate it because sometimes i blame myself for something they brought upon me.
I feel you 😔
We're all products of our environments. Blessed are those that heal.
That's the truest thing I've ever heard!
Amen 🙌🏽
@@Lehv1111 i think playing God into it is the worst Thing you can do. 😂😂
Donald Trump seemes more blessed, than a Bonsai like me.
May the Holy Mana-tree be with you.
(If Horses would have Gods they would look like Horses)
@@reginaphilange6478 we all are prisoners of a cultural Matrix in wich we are socialised in. A free-will, Religions have Problem with, is a lie.
Run and don't look back from a family who makes you feel like this. Get therapy and train yourself to avoid these people in your adult life and replace them with empathetic, well adjusted friends who truly become your real family.
Great Advice Joe !!!
I just read a book called "When to Walk Away" by Gary Chapman that talks about how even Jesus walked away from people and let people walk away from him. You really do have to make a new family with healthier adult people.
Easy for you to say
💯
yes thank you!
I used to be so hard on myself. I have cried myself to sleep, “why doesn’t mom love me,?” “Why doesn’t my husband love me”? I decided I would love me! Went no contact.
Well done I’m reading this message from a year ago . I hope life is treating you well now and your healing and happy I have a narc mother I hear you ❤
🎉
God loves you
This first step is a true proof that you love yourself
I cannot imagine trying to talk to my mother about this stuff. She would deny it until the say she dies. There's just no point in letting her know she's the reason I needed therapy as an adult.
Absolutely same.
Yes I told my mom about all the trauma she caused me and she said that all of it was a lie and she made it about her, that her life was worse and I should be appreciative. She said that I was weird and nobody would ever understand me. They love making it about them! Can’t accept anything that attacks their persona
@RainbowDreams30 always has a way to turn it into my short coming or make it my fault.
I couldn't either its all my fault and I feel like the worst person ever
Same here
I remember as teenager, going to a friend's house after school, her Mum was there (first surprise), her Mum asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink (second surprise), I stood there silent, not sure what to do, I did want to have something, but at the back of my mind I was thinking if I ask for something I'm going to make myself a nuisance. I think that was the first time I realised there was something not right about my family and that I was probably messed up. It's funny how the narcissist, by constantly telling you and treating you as if you're the problem, eventually messes with your head to the point where you do develop a problem.
wow this is so me.
I'm going on a road trip soon and visiting an old friend whose mom helped me get going on the career I am in now and I see her as a mother figure. I asked that when I stop by if I could stay the night and sleep in my camper truck on their driveway and she said "you're not sleeping in my driveway" so I said I'd just find some nearby campsites. I didn't realize what she meant by that and assumed she didnt want me there for the night until she suggested I stay inside and crash on the couch for the night instead. It's hard for me to accept or even ask for hospitality sometimes so I didn't even think of asking to stay the night inside because it feels excessively intrusive for me to ask. I've been starting to realize some of these effects as an adult now. I think some of it was from being a kid and not being allowed to stay the night at anyone's house and the suggestion was always to just have them come over to stay the night instead even if i wanted to go to theirs and get out of the house for a while.
Your last few sentences are so on point, it resonates with me bc growing up I was what they’d call an easy kid- quiet, good grades, no major issues(that they could see) and was verbally abused over small issues. Then my untreated mental illness(that was partially caused by them) really reared its head in college and I actually became a problem. I never saw it like this before
When I was a teenager, i used to look at all these kids with good relationships with their parents as the weird ones lol I thought to myself "that's not normal". I grew up having a parent/child relationship where the difference in age/experience/authority was very clear. Of course I laugh w/ my parents and all that but they don't really know me that well.
This is how it was for me. . .I realized my friends parents were much MUCH different than mine! And that was the cue that something wasn't right about my family. SAME EXACT SHIT! I kid you not!
When he listed off the signs of being raised by narcissistic parents,.....i broke down. I always thought it was me, that i was the problem
Edit: thankyou SO so much for all the kind words and reassurances, I really don't feel like im alone anymore💙
yup
Sarah! I want to hug you through the screen! I relate.. it's scary stuff . Coming to the realization can feel like getting hit by a semi-truck :*(
If it helps, I did too... full on crying my eyes out. After years and years of being blamed for everything it breaks you 💔
Hugs from Missouri, it took me awhile to wake up, I had to go no contact, go into therapy, get diagnosed with dysthymia, get divorced, hang in there.
:( it’s not your fault hun
I remember my narcissist mother telling me she has never apologized to anyone in her life and that she has never done anything she needed to apologize for….she was in her 70’s or 80’s.
Just. Wow.
My mother stated the same thing. Verbatim.
My father exactly the same thing. It is baffling. The other day he bumped into my mum and, instead of saying sorry, he started shouting she was in the wrong place.
When i say to my mother " you said this, which hurts me", she would say " i have never said that".
My mum's first worry when she found out I was raped repeatedly as a kid was "What will people think of me?". I replay it in my mind occasionaly , clear as day, and it still hurts just as much.
She literally blurted it out loud. And get this - it only happened because she used to leave me at her male friend's house to go out partying at night. She was so worried that people would think it's her fault and that she's a bad mother, that she gaslighted me that it was no big deal. And when I pressed the issue she would rage and accuse me of lying or wanting to make her life hell.
She never allowed me to go into therapy either, coz "there was nothing wrong with me". I was 9 years old. Adolescence was hell. First time I dated I was 13 and the dude was over 30, I used to skip school to meet him. I acted out, I failed school, and she made a point to make everyone in the family think I was a rebel without a cause.
Few years ago she had a stroke and I felt nothing.
so sorry
So sorry to hear this. I also have a mother who I suspect was neglectful towards my sister but I cannot make sense of the patterns or help because my narcissistic parents had always undermined and trapped me in their mind games so as to not be able to help my sister as well since she became hateful towards me and is also a narcissist herself.
I am so sorry you were treated like that. It was NEVER your fault, but I know your nasty mom made you feel it was. I pray you are healing♥️🙏
Rape would and never will be your fault, it's never to late to notify police he may have done it to others even if you can't prosecute it may give you a little closure to healthy move forward with your life just to talk to someone about whst happened to you
Your story is shockingly similar to mine. Thank you for sharing.
You almost never have two narcissistic parents. A narcissist hardly wants competition. They are drawn to people they can manipulate and have power over.
Totally true except for one exception. It seems like narcs will marry an unstable borderline personality disordered partner if that partner has resources or a sexy body to contribute. The borderline disordered seems to be acceptable even though the narcs prefer the self sacrificing codependent empaths.
They seem to attract borderline personality
Actually they do if one is covert and the other is the classic narcissist type. It's funny how they fit each other in a disfuncional way.
That's only true to an extent. Sometimes one narcissistic parent can turn the other into a narcissist as well, ESPECIALLY after a divorce. My dad turned my mother into one during their marriage, or at least he brought it out of her to the surface.
@@ziggylaurie2268 Borderlines ARE narcissists. Normally you get a narc and a co-dependent.
A narcissist doesn't go to therapy because they want to fix themselves, they go because they want to fix YOU.
Boom 💥
They actually don't go because they know their cleverness will come out and somebody will see their side. They have no awareness because they have no feelings or better dry feelings
👍👍👍
OMG
This reminds me of how my Narc monster forced her kids into counseling.
And these "counselors" believed every lie she told.
The counselor would then scold us for not being better minions of the the narcissistic mother.
Can you imagine being told that you're not doing enough for a Narcissist?
By a "professional"?
By the way, a "counseling" degree isn't a real degree if you can't see abuse for what it is.
Or they take you to therapy and try to convince the therapist that you're depressed
I know when someone is crazy. They start to make me crazy. And no one is crazier than the narcissist. Don't let them make you crazy.
What therapy has taught me is that no narcissist will ever think "well, maybe I have narcissism." They'll have you questioning yourself, your sense of self and your sanity but they'll never question themselves because the problem is never* them. It's everyone else.
so true
My mom literally justified her and my dad slapping me a few times and then legit told me via text now "Maybe you should get therapy, that'd be nice!" because I need to get fixed, not her. Don't get me wrong, I am working on getting therapy. It's just because of her (and mostly my dad) and not because of myself. Oh god it's so exhausting to never see any apologetic behaviour from them..
Very true, the problem is always the child, even at 56 im still the 'problem' even now when im sick they can't accommodate validating! ✌
@@bereal6590 Oh, absolutely … even at 56. I’ve done extensive therapy & my family hasn’t. I stand back & listen to the same old tapes playing over & again. It’s hard to be a minority, the scapegoat AND the hero!! Imagine my living with THAT dual role … absolutely mind boggling. When my mom loved me … I was pedestalyzed … when she didn’t, I was damned and told I was the cause of all evil. Try that on a kid who knows nothing!!! Thank God for my grandmother who loved me unconditionally, or I’d be dead by now.
This right here! 👆
I developed my own narcissistic traits with this upbringing. Always told myself I didn’t want to be anything like her, but found myself hurting others just as she had to me. Had to do some serious soul searching and therapy to correct these traits. They still secretly creep up sometimes though I’m now self aware and know better.
Correcting the behavior is what makes the difference. I hope you're doing better. 🤟🏻
What kinds of things did you do to hurt others? I am just starting this journey and am trying to analyze my behavior and see if I am doing these things :( It's a lot to take in.
@@Mrs.Criticless Love bombing, then becoming cold out of nowhere. Getting angry for the smallest things and lashing out. Then feeling bad for lashing out, but then getting mad about it as well, so I’d lash out again..a very vicious cycle. Kind of embarrassing to admit, but that’s how I knew that ongoing pattern in my head wasn’t normal.
@@smileyearth4896 wow, I might relate to that. Guess I have more work to do. Thanks for responding ❤
at least you are self aware and are attempting to change. self awareness is the first step. idk where you are at now, but i want to say good luck and you are doing great.
Recap - Symptoms of having been raised by a narcissist start from 4:33
- Adults who beat themselves up
- Inherently feels not good enough
- Questions their own value
- Non-secure relationships with abusive people where they have to constantly chase, wonder if their partner cares about them.
- Overachiever who tells themselves that "if I achieve this or that then finally I'll be good enough"
Thank you.
Damn
Thank you
This video could have been a minute long.
Describes my situation to a tee
My daughter is the one who brought my mom's abuse to my attention. I was so deep in the trauma bond that I refused to admit it at first. All of these videos have helped me so much. Both of my parents suffer from these traits. It's been a long hard road.
That's exactly what i did for my mom, regarding her brother.
I was the one to expose him and i didn't back down, even when he purposely targeted me and each time it was worse.
Sometimes we need others to point out traumas and such, and that's okay. It's good to have people recognize it and help us.
Wish you the best of luck!
@@golden_leader9227 💯 you said a mouthful. Good luck to you as well!
Same to me... My mother abused me emotionally and my own children and my strong emotions and why they trigger me so much brought this and my ACEs to the surface...
Same. My son was the one who said to me, after a phone call from my mother which he overheard. He said, "Mom, you know Grandma is manipulating you, right?" He was 13........ He could see what I couldn't see. It broke my heart. My mother was competing with my KIDS (HER GRANDKIDS) for attention and my finances. I also realized there were things she modeled for me that I was using in my parenting. Oh..... I SHUT THAT DOWN. When my narcissistic mother refused to let me talk to my dad the night before he died.... all because I wouldn't give her control over MY bank account.... LOL! I shut that bitch down. We've been no contact. My kids are happier, my husband's happier, and my finances have improved immensely. It's never too soon to go no-contact.
Oh, and as far as whether or not a narcissistic parent is an "evil person." I disagree with the men in this video, in the case of my mother. After my dad died, I learned all the sociopathic things she's done to hurt other people besides myself. No one made her do those things. Just because you have a traumatic childhood, doesn't mean you have to CHOOSE to hurt people. I had a traumatic childhood, and I did not steal money from people, alienate relatives, badmouth everyone in the family.... oh... no... it was a choice she made. My mother is a sociopath.
I was that child. I spent a lot of my adult years trying to be the person my parents wanted me to be. Then I got over it and realized I never will be.
I can relate to you because my parents were also narcissists. I still find myself trying to please my parents and I'm 46!
@@rubyrose2522 oh, I would encourage you to read the Bible, in it it tells us that we are created by God with gifts and attributes. More on Living Waters TH-cam, I'm older but have struggled with the same thoughts. I have a Father in heaven that's not dysfunctional. 🙏🌻
@@meganmoore9811 love your answer! Including years of EMDR therapy, when I finally sat down to read the Bible as the way Holy Spirit led me (our counselor), I am finally breaking strongholds off of the lies they told. I call my family now my 'genetic family', as God in heaven is my true family. 😊 My church family and heavenly lineage now replace the narc 'ownership' claims, no longer spiritual or emotionally tied to the genetics.
Darius Daniels has a great sermon on 'stop being slave minded after you're out'. It's great, thought to hear, applies to many situations, but hit my narc struggles on the head.
@@LolaLola-ru1fi thank you Lola. I'm still a work in progress, I appreciate your response:-)
You are not alone.
My narc mother died 10 years ago...sounds bad but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so relieved. I am so happy now.
No, it doesn't sound bad. It sounds normal.
I hope for the phone call every day.
I have a narc parent, and I suspect I’m not the only one who will be relieved when he dies. You had a normal human reaction, and I’m glad it took so much weight off your shoulders.
You're so lucky to be 10 years free.
Congratulations
Narcissists are ppl that live in glass houses but who are always throwing stones at people outside. Don't dare throw one back! Don't even bother with a sheild. Just run like hell and never look back.
I wanted to run away by age 7 but left at 15 totally unprepared for life and permanently mentally damaged. I had to teach myself everything I now know by age 60. That's a lifetime of trauma.
Yes so true always looking for validation and attention be it negative or positive and God forbids if you come from a loving family and people actually genuinely like you the Narc gets totally jealous and gas light any situation it's tiring.
@@ANickerson411 Hopefully yours was NOT a "lifetime of trauma". B/c you ar estill alive. You survived a LOT and hopefully l earned a LOT. You're likely still learning, as many of us still are. Go to quora.com to find answers and other ppl who will have insight and help you feel less alone in stuff you're dealing with..I send u LOVE and POSITIVE VIBES!!!!!
@@csloane4129 for a while I got over it pretty much but when I was 30 Mama Dearest loaned me enough money for a house deposit only to ask for it back for no good reason two years later in the middle of the 1990's recession. Being a good son I lost my house and business to pay her back. Now she has Alzheimer and she can't remember anything so I have no one to unload on. Her abuse will be with me until I die I'm afraid unless Ayuahska will work which I am working to do for a short time before I break through. I could write a book on depression if I wasn't RDHD.
@@ANickerson411 OMG DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HILARIOUS U ARE
I believe my dad was a narcissist. I developed low self-esteem, no self-worth, mental blocks that kept me from finishing college (my narcissist father thought a college education was IT). I had no boundaries, and grew up depressed, hating myself and suicidal. Dad even disowned me because I chose to become a different political party than his.
Good riddance to bad rubbish. Forget your father and his lies and live your best life.
They are mentaly ill..Im going trough the same..its hard to see the truth and be always clearminded
Wow thank you so much for this comment. It’s an extremely helpful one bc it resonates ❤ but I needed to read it to know
Is he a demoncrat like my narcissistic father? That would explain it. Democrats are the most self righteous people I’ve ever met.
Sounds like our fathers taught each other how to ruin a kids life while looking like a God. I am 53 and had no clue about any of this until a few years ago. Trust me I didn't ask or try to find out. I just thought he was a asshole. Sad that a girl I dated at 13 saw what he was and waited her turn for over 30 years. She called every few years at Christmas but I was happily married and then came divorce and moving back to my home state. It was perfect or so I thought, this was why it never worked out in my last marriage. You know the rest and that opened up my whole life as a scapegoat and I learned what a Covert and Overt Narc was. Damn them because I still believed good existed, love existed but was hard to find. Why open my eyes now that I am 53. Dad the narc is dead. (great day as the world of God suffered, I rejoiced at both of his funerals and I do not care which so and so saw me. Then my sister took over terrorizing my mother, brother and I . 1600 pages I typed out learning about narcs, my life, family, past, future and I had to get it all down so I could try to forget. It will not go away nor has the truth proven anything for me. But lies that make no sense are just fine with family. Thanks I have no one to vent to and your comment got to me.
I have two narcissist parents and am also the scapegoat of my family. It took a major toll on my confidence and self-esteem. My mother has tried to literally destroy me more times than I can count emotionally. The smear campaign is her weapon of choice most often. Ostracizing their victim from anyone they can to spin their false narratives. I had to fully disconnect from my family of origin to heal. It is very painful growing in an environment where neither of your parents loves you and in some cases hates you. It can really make you feel worthless. You need to find love in yourself and independence, which is easier said than done. It makes it really difficult to trust others as you never learned to be able to depend on anyone growing up in such a toxic environment where your parents' constant needs trump their children. They need constant validation because their true self is so weak. Hugs to anyone who has suffered in this way. It's a hard road to travel.
NEVER go back because they'll exact revenge ruthlessly.
I have gone no contact its so difficult but absolutely the right desicion I'm starting to feel like a different person or maybe just the real me
You are amazing. You are here and you are fighting tells me that you are a winner. Keep on being so awesome! ❤️
pinupminerals snap but with one parent and I’m also the scapegoat child. I dealt with it by moving to the other side of the world😊
Pinupminerals, Thanks a lot for sharing this and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I understand very well, because I was the Scapegoat too and everything you said is True. They Soul Murder to potentially Murder you. They are Evil - no two ways about it, and you can't come out of all of the effects of this Insidious Abuse and have Confidence - that's an Oxymoron. It can be extremely difficult to heal from the effects of this Abuse. It's like a person going in a Psychiatric Ward and he/she goes into their room and there's a saying framed on the wall that says: "I like myself". What a Joke, rather it's a Nightmare - Understatement. I'm glad you got away from your family - you saved your own life. I wish you the Very Best because you deserve it.
One thing that isn't mentioned is that trying to date healthy people, when you've been traumatized by narcissistic parents, is difficult, most people are curious about your parents and when you try and explain that you have no contact because your parents were abusive, the healthy person shrinks away and eventually ghosts you because they don't get it, and they also look at you like you could be the same as your parents were.
Yes humanity divided into those raised by narcissistic parents as allocated scapegoat... and golden children the favourite.... often golden children higher functioning successful lack empathy
Bunny
Yes, as a child raised by a single narcissistic mother, I learned to focus more on my own healthy boundaries than on distance from her...at moments when she would demand too much, I would calmly refuse, as though speaking to a child. A few times when she would hang up on me, I would just not return the call...and sometimes years passed. I retained a number of fond memories from childhood (picking them out from among the many abandonments and gaslightings, etc.) and made peace with my theory that her emotional development had been arrested around age 8. I have lived happily at a healthy distance from her, while still being able to share a collection of memories including her, so there was no suspicious void there. Once my mother got used to the fact that she had no power to manipulate me, she sought me out, cautiously, sensing what I would not tolerate, and we could carry on in pleasant reminiscence and light chatter. She was even able to enjoy my kids until they were no longer babies and began to sense her unwholesome limits. Of course, she could not help trying to drive a wedge between us by undermining me behind my back, but I only continued to teach my kids valuable relationship lessons using her, along with some of their own maladjusted peers, as illustrations.
Beverly Glasgow - mine had plans to end my life, so it was different for me.
Like you are damaged goods. Thats sad.
I try not to talk about it as often you just know they think you must have done something to cause it, why else would your parents do that to their own child. Better alone than try to explain.
If you are suffering because of a narcissist, remember you are loved, beautiful and worthy. Never give up on yourself! 💗
It's not a matter of remembering, some people don't have knowledge or memory of that. So we can only hope to maybe come across the confirmation, one day.
Ho’Oponopono everything.
Re-menber to Love. I’m a member of unconditional Love. Always and all ways remember
Thank You, I'm 58 hurt so much now, bitter,from the used,abused, neglected, done Dirty,took from, sneaky, keep secret left out
Loved by who?
@@bonichiahay4108 I'm 58 and hurt but trying to learn the healing process.Never give up.
"Someone taught them that in close, interpersonal relationships there is something called 'power.'" really hit home for me as well as the part about parental authority being different from power meaning that we have a responsibility of setting aside our own feelings for our children. 👏 Thank you. Those statements encompass why I'm choosing to go to therapy to make sure the generational trauma stops with me. My daughter deserves a healed mom.
I agree about having the sense to edit some feelings. I had foot injury ( icy sidewalk event). Its not about feelings...its about pain. Night in ER..not much sleep. My son arrived from ex husband's. I was weary yet made dinner...visited son ...attending to him ... The need to sit...take medicine was met with anger...belittling. It's fair to ask for some patience. My son freaked bc I was dizzy. He wanted to tell me about movie( could he sit with Me in a cpl minutes and do that?) He called his dad...I am this and that..his feelings hurt! If someone is injured..its right to allow them to tend to that. Ex made me feel So bad...whatever abt ER, doing good when dizzy. The demand was to apologize for being selfish.
I can't promise Not being injured...needing some consideration. The ex and I were very good at 1st aid. I wasn't abusing son. His angry words ...I don't do anything right. I Said he could put the food back.
All the best to you x
God and Divine Mother blessings 🙌 🙏 ✨️
"Relationship is supposed to build us up, not tear us down".
That's a powerful guidance in assessing relationships.
Is there a support group for grown children of narcisstic parents? How bout narcistic religious parents who use God to control you even when your an adult and try to turn your kids against you?
I consider the definition of a, "friend" as somebody who helps you out.
So I could be a friend to somebody who may not be a friend back.
Which wouldn't make two people, "friends" if it's one sided.
Not sure if that definition should include intrinsic motivation, separate from an outside reward or quid pro quo.
The loneliness my parents feel at old age is their karma for the loneliness and abandonment they put upon their children. What goes around, comes around. 🤷🏼♀️💫 I dont feel guilty about it.
Sara,
Bingo!
Not nice
I feel terrible for it.
I need to be alone most of the time and I don’t feel lonely.
My mother is surrounded by people and pets and noise and chaos and always feels lonely.
When I suggested she examine why she always feels lonely in a sea of people she yelled at me to stop berating her and just bc I don’t ‘like’ her doesn’t mean she’ll take my abuse.
I’m 38!
Yup. My stepfather died last year & my narcissist mother has had to deal with the consequences of all the relationships she destroyed while married.
#Karma
BINGO!
* Things You should never do to to a narcissist
1. Turn your back on them or let your guard down
2. To trust them.
3. Take anything they say at face value, or accept anything they say as truth.
4. Show or tell them any emotions you have or have had regarding absolutely anything.
5. Extend them your sympathy or compassion or empathy.
6. Think anything they say or do is genuine no matter how convincing it appears.
7. Think you are somehow different than anyone else and they “like you better” or respect you.
8. Think they won’t stab you in the back the second you are not useful to them anymore.
9. Think they will change.
10. Think they care about anything besides themselves and their self interest.
11. Think any seemingly altruistic actions they have are rooted in anything but a self serving agenda or impression management.
12. Internalize or accept any emotion their words or actions invite you to feel. This includes the good feeling like charm and flattery.
13. Get complacent and think you can not be manipulated or that they are not manipulating you.
14. Fall in love with them.
15. Enter into any kind of relationship with them beyond what is absolutely strictly necessary.
16. Make an enemy of them or let them on to know how you really think of them.
17. Have any expectations of them.
18. Let them into any of your social circles or introduce them to friends and family.
19. Allow yourself to forget they are a narcissist and what that means. Never let the depth of the depravity of this individual slip from the front and center of your mind.
20. Make impulse agreements or concessions without asking for more time to think and stalling for more time.
21. Allowing them to pressure you.
22. Give them a second chance.
23. Negotiate with them.
24. Rationalize with them.
25. Blame them or accuse them of something.
26. Expect an apology from them or expect them to be accountable for anything they have done. If you do appear to get this from them, re-read all the previous points.
Things to talk about with a narcissistic father: the weather, the weather, the weather.
💯👏
Never initiate contact.
This is very useful thank you
You forgot "forgive" them. People are trained like dogs to forgive their abusers no matter what. It's doing nothing but training people to bow down to their abusers and accept ongoing toxic, horrid behaviour. There are things you need to have actual boundaries from and things you need to say no to and never allow again. You don't need to spend the rest of your life dwelling on the person and allowing their abuse to eat you alive. If you can get to a place where you realize their behaviour towards you was wrong, why that is, what it is that most likely made that happen, and what you need to do to fix yourself so it doesnt happen again, you are doing just fine. You dont need to always forgive every single thing. Sometimes people's behaviour should be put back on them and be their burden to live with, not yours. :(
Oh my goodness, this describes me exactly as being born to a narcissistic mother. I have tried to unravel and sort myself out by being with more giving and loving people as an adult, but it certainly leaves a long term inner battle to think you are a person worthy of respect. I brought my own children up exactly the opposite of how my mother did, and my children as now adults, are very close to me and to each other. So something went right!
❤❤❤🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Same. My mom was so judgemental and dismissive of anything that didn't fit in her box. She has never taken any ownership of it.
I make a huge effort to be different with my kids. It's ok to be imperfect in our house
I’m so proud of you!!
God bless you for breaking that abusive cycle🙌
what does very close to me and each other look like? I have never experienced it
Also it makes trusting people in general very hard. Trying to be vulnerable feels impossible because you know it's going to be used as a weapon and as an opportunity to just kick you down. It's so hard.
Xana K. I absolutely hate showing vulnerability to my partner of 8 years. It feels like a weakness to me. I hate crying. I don’t want to give anyone that power over me. I have an ex that was so selfish (ie probably very narcissistic) it ruined me for real intimacy, I loved him so much in spite of it!
💯
You cant trust a narc but you can trust yourself.
Anne Bruecks I think a relationship between two living things is like a balanced, ‘sense of security’ seesaw. We’re comfortable with the other when we feel a balance between us of insecurity (In the case of a Narc, their seat is coming off the end) or security (A hermit; sitting at the boring fulcrum balanced on their lonesome). Evidence that we’re more stable than our Narc is horrible for the Narc’s ego and therefore relationship and we can’t fix the Narc’s seesaw seat’s (true-self’s) loose bolts. Subconsciously we feel an ineffable love when our Narc rips us down emotionally and physically because it regains a relationship balance with their true self’s low sense of security; they lash out blaming you when they feel like anyone notices they’re falling off your relationships’ seesaw. They cannot become secure with you because it’s impossible for a Narc’s true-self to sense the 2nd of Maslow’s needs (So will behave unapologetically worse than animals to at least feel better about it or take everything you love, destroy you then discard You). However, they’re inflated ego the world sees has calculated conviction to mask these deep insecurities of theirs and gaslight blame for their behaviour unto You or others they triangulate from You. As I share my children with mine, I’m experimenting with connection to my Narc’s true-self (inner child) while not disenfranchising her magnitudes larger ego she self-identifies as. I don’t believe she’s evil or a bitch like all that know her refer to her but instead, as a scared, lonely soul knowing no other way to cope than get the help of the law of the land to extort, use and destroy the lives of everyone else including our own children. It’s done in order to protect her own fragile ego which is the only love she has in this world. Why? Because it’s very well-funded under a ruse of political correctness yet sexist organisations that secretly lobby bills to further reward the Narc’s behaviour in society now growing exponentially for over 1/2 a century. So Anne Bruecks, it’s only a weakness to our fragile egos. So don’t care what people think and consider doing what You have to, to not threaten the Narc’s perceived balance of insecurity in the relationship seesaw. Of coarse, if you can drive a respectful wedge between You & Your Narc I’s prefer much more
I am glad I read your comment. I have been saying for years to the people around my father that you can't tell him anything that is important to you because he will weaponize it. I am glad that I am not the only one to make note of it.
my mom really messed me up, man. It's so hard to be proud of my own little achievements.
Marilyn they were prob not little achievements, they were prob big achievements made to look small by mummy dearest who wouldn’t acknowledge them. Good thoughts Sister. Good thoughts.
Hey, i know that i don't know you, but i just want to say that i'm sure that you can be sooo proud of you!
From what I hear from my friends, no achievement is little. My mother is a narc too, and it is so weird to live in an enviorment where it isn't a big deal when something falls and/or breaks or when I am not able to put everything in the dishwasher 'correctly'.
Be proud when you were able to do the dishes or when you fold up your clothes! Those aren't as little as you may think ^^
Hugs to you, I wish for success and happiness to you. Whatever achievement I have made in life is never acknowledged by my mom, therefore I have always felt invisible. It's tough to strive for success when there's nobody cheering you on.
@@MsLemon1971 us random friends you have never met on the internet will cheer you on.
I grew up with a narcissistic father and it was hell. I spent 18 years trying to get his approval and for him to say he is proud of me and never got it. I'm 28 now and I washed my hands with him. I will always love him as he is my father, but sometimes you gotta move on even if it's from family.
@@maggiecalos4101 thank you, it definitely wasn't an easy process but, it got easier over time. Love ❤️ for you from USA.
I feel you on that B. All you can do is break the cycle and raise your child in a healthier way.
I just left my house 2 months ago. I met someone I let my gaurd down with them. Went home forgot to put it back up father did the normal stuff I'm used (you know narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, condescending, aggressiveness and projecting his insecurities) didn't guard myself and scared that person who I cared about away. Went a little psycho not gonna lie because of not putting my gaurd up. Realized the reason why I was doing this was because of him and left home. It's a shame said person went to school different city. Not sure if I will see them again, I have a nagging feeling I will just time will tell. At the very least they helped me clip the strings he had on me. I'm getting help have someone professional to talk to etc. I'm a hell of alot better just wish I happend different.
@@maggiecalos4101 Amen! I learned to depend on God only. Family, friends, they will always let you down at some point. It's okay, God's love is more than enough. Just got to pray for them
Mine was my mother. She was a miserable person. Religion was here sanctuary. Yet she made our life hell! My younger sister took on our mother’s role. She is worse than the devil. Unfortunately, she learned MORE from our sister in law who couldn’t control her husband (pedofile). Her children struggle in their personal life. all you said was true about them. Extremely insecure over achievers, with masters / PHD degrees, and are the most insecure
I know.. its sad, that the only way to break the tie with my sister the narc, was to sever our relationship. I grew as a person, where as she is still her miserable self. Haven’t talked for over 20 years. Sad 😞
7:48 This is really important to say. You can be raised by a narcissist, and then you behave similar to them because that’s what you were taught. It takes years to unlearn the things this parent has taught you. And then to understand how wrong it is. But just because you behave like them doesn’t make you like them on the inside. Once you realize it’s wrong you can change.
"i don´t remember doing/saying that" my parents always
or another if you try to fight back "you ungrateful asshole" or "you're the reason my life is so horrible".
CLASSIC
A classic!
i hate that gas lighting horse shit. so dishonest.
@@duke3250 It IS dishonesty, but I've noticed very often they genuinely mean what they're saying. So the gaslighting is often from self-deception, and it's maybe the worst/most infuriating kind because the person believes with every ounce of their being what they're saying.
The ones who obviously lie can be spotted a mile away. The ones who lie from self-deception, are far, far more difficult to spot.
I love this doctor's sigh whenever he receives a heavy question.
He truly cares about the “children” affected and the issues they have encountered as a result.
He thinks seriously about the ? b4 answering honestly
Me too ! He's so cool & cute !
It’s a gay thing. Sigh.
Personally I feel like if people can afford it we should all go therapy before having kids 😭
I pray about it, guess thats the same thing :)
Read this book about self-parenting. I read this book by Stephanie Kahl in German. Not sure if there is an english version. But you can look up for similar books on the topic.
Chocolate & Churros thank you
So they can be fixed? It would be 20 years before they only got halfway through the process
EDMR therapy is going to be so bomb
The narcissistic parent isn´t the parent. They are the child in many respects.
So true
A narcissist is never a "work in progress" as the interview suggests. They do not possess the insight or humility to change anything about themselves.
Exactly!
Yes, exactly what i came here to say, thanks Kate.
They are completely static and absolutely structurally unable to change. Their whole psychic energy is used up to keep their false personality together.
There isn't any possibility of questioning, critical thought about much really, especially not themselves and their actions. They would sooner die.
It's unfortunate, but there it is. That's how this personality disorder works.
I wish they cleared it up more, but I thought they were talking about if you have similar habits that a narcissist had that remind you of your parent not to beat yourself up (as the children of them often do), but to remember that you are self aware and getting better. The true narcissist is never aware and their past and their pain does not excuse what they do to people. That's what I took from it anyways. But yes, don't give them the chance to put you down again because you think you can fix them, it didn't work then and it won't ever work now! Stay safe and continue moving forward!!
They are the devil, you can be a victim & become an empath
No cure for a Narc its not acceptable & shouldn't be tolerated & we shouldnt become enablers as enablers are "abusers"
Super Empaths are dangerous as they even feel sorry for the evil
It's pointless talking to a narc, they do not see that they have a problem.
And sometimes they do see it, but just don’t do anything about it & keep denying it for as long as they can, until when they’re caught red handed.. though trust me, they are so weak they will deny it through their s
They have the cheek to say" you are the problem",instead .
ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!
You might get across for a second, get a violent visceral reaction - fainting, vomiting - and then it all goes away. It will make you feel worse than before. I just don't. They see, they know, deep down, but it's pointless to try and have a grown up conversation with someone who has the outward psychology of a child.
A narc will take your drugs. Stay away.
Seems like a very nice man but sympathizing with a narcissistic parent can cause unbelievable damage. Find the strength, courage and support to cut ties with them. It’s crucial to healing.
The best thing between you and a Narcissist is distance, preferable a State or two.
Becomes harder as they age and they don't change, hard to keep distance
@@Pfsif or an ocean.
I agree. ♥️
What if you love them n they arent a full 100% narcistic? But still have tendancy to dominate n trample boundries b4 u notice 🤔
Iv already cut off my dad etc n dont wanna lose the rest o my fam via my mum
I’m so grateful I had a fighting spirit as a child and knew I deserved better. All I wanted as a child was to move out and find my happy.
Even after therapy It’s still hard as an adult especially with a child of my own now not having emotionally available parents/grandparents.
The worst part is when everyone ignores the narcissism or gives them a pass and when you tell the truth you are treated like an idiot until that person is screwed over themselves
In some cases I can understand (but still don’t condone) why people give them a pass, especially if they know that person well enough to have been subjected to narc rage. All part of the manipulation! Scare them into submission, so the narc doesn’t have to risk facing up to their own shit.
Narcs bully people into submission, and act affronted when you reflect back your impressions of their behavior. They just don't care about others!
Grace and peace to you and yours.Indeed they shortchange themselves from the Psychological benefits of self awareness and accountability.Its out of the next adults control.The saddest story on earth.
Or in my case, my mother lied and talked so badly about me to the est of my family that they never spoke to me again. She got a real joy out of turning people against me.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
As I was blossoming into a woman, my narcissistic mother was clearly jealous of me. It was palpable, and it was creepy.
Same. She would put me down sneer at me.
Also same. I believed I was so ugly, and worked very hard to make myself pretty, which only made it worse.
My Mom would make creepy comments about my butt and boobs, and once she demanded that she watch me shower because she didn't think I was doing it right.
Sometimes, I bawl my eyes out in the shower because I'm scared she'll come in and see me in the shower. Then when I get scared of that, I start crying because I hate thinking she'd do that. Its bad
I was 12. Got a beautiful dress from my godmother for my birthday. One day coming home from school I found my mom wearing my dress.
@ oh my.
I was raised in a household where my narcissist mother labeled her three children. My sister was the overachiever, my brother was the problem child, and then there was me. If you have a child who is the best, my sister, and one who is the worst, my brother, there’s no room for anyone in the middle. I was the left over and treated accordingly. I went no contact 18 years ago with my family to save my own sanity. It was the best decision I ever made.
My mother sat back & didn't even report it to the Police when my 9 & 10 year old sisters were getting raped by grown men & my brother & I were getting bashed by them.I put up with her indifference & abuse because I thought that when it comes to family that our loyalty & commitment to them is unconditional .....until my therapist said to me that "I know you think that family is important, but your mother is so harmful that you need to sever all ties with her" which over the last couple of years, I have done.I found your being apart from your narcissistic mother for 18 years & that it was the best decision you've ever made comment inspiring
I broke away from my mother for 15 years to save my own sanity. It was the best thing I ever did in my life. I was able to form my own identity without the gaslighting that became part of the whole family dynamics.
Geez this hit home so strongly I had to check to see if I wrote this.
So sad for you.
My oldest sister was thepwrfect child ,my middle sister was the problem child and I was invisible
My mom’s family thought my dad was a good person for a long time. Since mom died, he doesn’t feel the need to act and they’re finally seeing him for the cruel, petty and self centered man he is. It’s fantastic to see his mask slip and truth being told.
Probably that would my husband do if I die
A narc will NEVER say to themselves, "Maybe I am a narcissist." EVER.
They see themselves as perfect and superior in every way to ever admit to flaws.
You are correct. This "expert" is an idiot. A real narcissist doesn't self reflect. EVER. Unless they fear losing their supply.
Agreed
@@Tshanholtz1991 You will NEVER parent like your mother. Her example, and your love of your children, will lead you to do the opposite of what she did. I have 3 daughters and they're wonderful! Just wish I'd kept them from her.
Well that's good to know because I've asked myself that when I found out that I had been raised by a narcissist. Come to find out I have more of the borderline personality disorder I reject people I have no long-term relationships because I would rather reject them before they reject me I don't feel worthy that's part of the narcissism that was put upon me. Anyway I have asked myself or thought that possibly I would have narcissistic behavior from being raised by a narcissist but I was the one child that she put all of her blame on to all the other children were taught to hate me because I was the bad one. Moving on
For years, literally decades, my sister who's a psychiatrist has been saying our mother is a narcissist. I've defended mother. Didn't want to believe it. Finally at age 60, after our tiny 95 old mother turned our other many siblings into a narcissistic cult, aimed at me, I finally got it! Now I understand why my psychiatrist sister detached decades ago. It was survival for her. And it was healthy. Now she's coaching me, and I'm finally hearing her. It wasn't that I didn't listen, I just couldn't hear cuz I was trying to sort out and make sense of what was our family. I needed to believe we had the coolest family. I truly believed that. Until, all their worst traits came out all at once, aimed at me. So what to do? I have turned and I'm running the other way as fast as I can, to finally start living! I've let go. I've lightened my load. And it feels so good
Education really helps..I only knew about mental health just in 2015 I think only reading a book in Abnormal Psychology and watching TH-cam videos....I thought I was alone with my situations...I have two narcs in my life .I can't stand the trauma
Warrior. 👊
I hope for this with my sisters. Thank you. I've actually been thinking about this stuff alot. Wondering if I'll ever be able to see them again.
@@lilac624 i was a therapist for many years and had two narc parents. i have found the only way to get any peace is to totally disconnect from them, no communication at all. wish i'd done that myself, they are dead now but now i know this.
As I was read a quote from Melody Beattie author of “Codependent No More”. She said: “One needs to detach with love, or detach with anger, but detach.”
He was spot on when he talked about emotional intimacy requiring a certain level of vulnerability and not the concern over who has more "power" in the relationship. SO TRUE.
"I'm so sorry I just wasn't a good enough mother to you."
My mom's favorite line.
It's the lack of real emotion behind it when they say it that makes it so awful. If someone was really torn to bits, was really sincerely apologizing for where they have lacked, it would be a whole different thing. Sorry you find yourself here too Mr. Orange.
💯
No, they don't accept the destruction they have created for you
Like sarcastically? Because taking responsibility for their actions is not common.
@@organicsunshine9853 The intention underneath is important. I hace trouble with my teenager girl and I could picture myself telling her that in a true to my heart way, really meaning I am sorry I wasn't enough for you, I wasn't able to get you sooner or better... Is that bad? I see her struggling with body image, with self confidence. I really wish I would have seen it before and knew how to help her building some strength around me and her family and within herself with time...
Grew up with a narcissistic mother, I didn’t like her double binds, I was very rebellious, I’m so glad that I ended up realizing that what she did wasn’t normal, that I could live without her, I struggle with the trauma and I can sometimes take on her behaviors, but I’m trying hard to be better, to not be her
Girl me too. It took 25 years. Its sad but i know ive taken on her characteristics but i am now an empath, a clairsentient. I feel wayyy too much but i also love more now. I also had an ego death on lsd and realized lying stealing and cheating anything to hurt anyone; hurt my soul inside and realized if i were to die at that moment i would not have liked where i ended up at first; although we get a life review and everyones first "moments" after life; are crucial but being aware in this life and working on being a better person are all good things. Ive been struggling with addiction and ive changed my ego as if i was reborn. And was sober for almost a half a year but then my mom had a stroke and got diagnosed with breast cancer; and that tore me up inside so i started using again. But i always try and see the positive of things in life. Im a wayyt better person i just have been struggling with addiction again and thats the only bad thing thats occurring in my life right now. Me and my mom are getting along way better; i am there for here despite how i was raised;
@Sarah G it really is hard, I’ve only been away from my mom for a year, and this year for me mentally has been the hardest
@@lyndseymae8313 I’m happy that you both can be happier now than in the past, addiction is hard i was addicted to pills for four years, I’ve been clean for almost two, but i relate with the feeling way more and being an empath, it’s a curse and a blessing. I hope that you can find your happiness though, take care, and be safe!!
wait SAME
@@lyndseymae8313 I hope this helps; look up here Marisa Peer, if you haven't been familiar with her. She's a therapist with videos here on TH-cam teaching on how to speak positive words to our minds that it listens. It is difficult, very difficult. But nothing is impossible to us once we set our minds to do it. Remember
1) if someone did it before you, so can you;
2) you are not the only person who is going through it ; so
3) research, look it up better ways , what would help YOU; because we are UNIQUE; And what helps one person is not the same for others so we must keep looking
4) never , ever, give up
5) most importantly: THERE'S ALWAYS A WAY
No matter what happens we figure it out. You can do it.
Right now, as we speak, Dr Jordan Peterson, a known clinical psychologist is battling for his life. Prescribed antidepressants, life issues (wife battle with cancer, daughter's health issues) all piled up and got the better of him.
No one☝️in this life, is exempt from life issues.
It is OUR responsibility to get better; get out of them; move forward.
If you want to follow an spiritual approach, a different spiritual style, look up Change Church with Dr Dharius Daniels. IF this is something you feel inspired to do.
I will try to find a link for Marisa Peer, Pastor Daniels and come back to post it here.
Here's Pastor Daniels' link
th-cam.com/video/k6zz-MD7ohU/w-d-xo.html
"Don't get too cocky. You're not just going to be loved." Holy crap. That resonated with me so hard.
Me too!! They lied - we ARE lovable just as we are!!
Yep. I literally stopped the video and bawled. Even when my life is going well everything feels completely overwhelming for exactly this reason. It’s insane.
I've been with my husband for 20 years and I still can't believe he actually truly loves me. I don't know how. It's really difficult for me to feel
@@TheyStalkMe I 100% understand were your coming from. I've been a minimalist for several years with same thinking as yours.
You can have anything you want, change all that negative programming learned from childhood.
Money is energy, abundant.
At bedtime affimation videos and hz frequency videos work great to change to positive self beliefs in subconscious mind.
I encourage to research, take what works for you and leave the rest.
Wayne Dyer is really good in explaining. Joe dispenza is great.
Law of attraction is emotions backing up a thought you have and energy or higher power giving back to you your focus.
Gratitude from the heart as if already having quickest way, not always easy.
Life is easier if I don't have anything, I use to think that way. For years I tried to find an off grid community, I've found the best place seek acceptance is from within.
I was only valued by how much I could do for my parents!!!
I had friends who helped me see that it wasn’t me,but my mom. They validated my worth.
lucky, good for you though
Amen
Same. Every time I feel like I’m just imagining it, I go back to the few friends in high school who pointed out to me what was happening, even when I didn’t believe them and justified my mom’s actions. Even though I wasn’t in the mental/emotional state to hear and understand it then, remembering them telling me that I wasn’t being treated right has been helping me process things now.
I’m happy for you ❤️
I had a counselor tell me and my parents that I wasn't the problem, they were. I am so thankful she said that for me.
My mum was so happy when my brother at 40 was diagnosed with bipolar, she told the world about it. Now I have knowledge I can see it gave the reason why he failed at school, ran away, had fights, stole, prison and so on. It validated it all.
How sick, how sad
He recently grew magic mushrooms to self medicate his mental health and she personally told me she is so proud of him, like he was a medical professor or something. This gave her validation that her brain washing him to think he is ill has gone to another level , she had succeeded and got away with her abuse. He believes he is ill. The medication didn’t work cos he doesn’t have bipolar
I fully get this. It’s instant vindication for the Narc parent. I’ve seen it, and it’s sick. If it comes down to the Narc parent or the child, the Narc parent will always sacrifice the child.
Maybe the mushrooms helped a bit.
It’s import to realize vit D is needed to keep the problems away.
Vit D, cod liver oil are key if you have any diagnosis of autoimmune challenges.
th-cam.com/video/fDBZM1n_uDE/w-d-xo.html Dr. Berg
Personally I’ve taken 52 k iUs for one week. Night and day difference.
I’ve had ms for 24 yrs. it’s not easy.
Make sure fluid intake isup.
If high supplement doses taken over several months.
Over dose symptoms might arise.
Usually daily doses 60 iUs for several months can lead to overdosing effects. Watch for nausea, vomiting which are some of the first signs of overdosing.
If your brother is not bi-polar why was diagnosed with it? This doesn't make much sense...
@Marisa Martin ... is this a joke? Doctors aren't wizards, they don't magically know what your health problems are. All they can do is make an educated guess and hope for the best, so obviously they'll regularly turn out to be mistaken. This is why people always advise to go to multiple doctors and why the expression "getting a decond opinion" exists. Diagnoses are opinions, not magically divined ultimate truths, lmao
One observation I've made is that in these types of families whenever they tried to scapegoat a family member is mentally ill really what they're doing is like especially when they're a child the child is simply responding to the mental illness of the adults
When he asked if children should go back and address the narcissistic parenting with their parents, the question alone sent me into anxiety mode!
Narcissistic parents will never admit their faults. So the question will never be answered truthfully.
True, everytime I tried confronting my dad he always made me feel like the bad person for bring anything negative about him up
As someone who has confronted my dad about his narcissistic behaviors as an adult, it goes nowhere. He spent the whole conversation trying to talk over me, deflecting, denying, playing victim, and verbally attacking me. Nothing was accomplished, sadly.
It should send you into anxiety mode, because it's a useless endeavor! I have my family basically in a sleeper hold with my argument for narcissism (meaning basically I pathetically put up with their abuse for so long, that they got extremely busy with life and less interested in winning because they thought I would never figure them out). OOPS I figured them out, even when you silence them with an air tight lawyer like defense, they will NOT change. Best to just walk away!
@@taylorm.8545 no darling, you are not allowed to bring up anything negative in reference to their raising you.
I can't believe I actually broke the cycle, reparented myself, learned how to let myself feel my feelings, communicate, let go of the need of control and was lucky enough to finally have good relationships with kind people. After years of healing and setting boundaries, even my mom's narcissistic behaviors milded down significantly since she is adamantly not being tolerated. Idk why I am being so blessed, but I'll keep doing my best. There's hope for you too, with all my heart I wish you to get to the other side
Tips, tricks, advice, books, videos? Lol we are all SO broken in this comment section. Congratulations on your healing journey!
Any tips? It sounds wonderful.
Rachelle C Now that I am being asked, I realize it’s a combination of so many tiny actions and thoughts, I feel like it’ll sound chaotic.
- I went no contact with my narcissistic parent for 4 years and I had to stick to my decision every time it was challenged by others and even myself
- At first I repeated patterns by choosing toxic people in my life and participating in toxic behaviors, but at some point I felt so terribly unhealthy, I had to remove myself from 95% of my social contacts
- I spent 2 years in semi-isolation meaning I did go to work, I was with a kind family member, but I didn’t develop new relationships or maintained old ones, I spent most of my time reflecting on past patterns, behaviors and basically monitored myself 24/7
- I constantly educated myself on psychology and spirituality, trying not to seek ‘salvation’ or answers in any of the sources, just absorbing as much knowledge as possible and letting bits and pieces of it that made sense, be applied into my life
- I went to therapy
- I did self therapy ( writing down each and every little thing that may have offended me or hurt me ever since childhood, what I consider as things I can’t forgive myself for, what I dream of if I dare be the boldest version of myself, honestly anything...)
- I implemented affirmations to switch negative thought patterns and learned to always look for root cause in each of my actions
- I found a source of hope ( may be funny for some, but for me, I can say my biggest support was BTS and their music and it carried me through it all, also them being great role models with healthy behavior was a huge guidance)
- Another funny one that helped me greatly, K-dramas were really useful in the sense that they showed me you can be straightforward and self-reflective with your feelings and words - a thing I’ve never thought of, as I was raised on American TV, where hiding feelings and having misunderstandings was all that. To me, K-dramas had healing and educational effect when it came to emotional intelligence
- I put a ton of effort in letting go of any victim narrative in my head, I acknowledged every situation I felt as the victim in, and chose to no longer perceive myself as such
- I worked really hard on understanding and forgiving my narcissistic parent, I’m still not 1000% there, but it truly helped me to see that them hurting me was nothing personal. Just because I wanted not to die someday in a bad relationship with them, I slowly started letting them back in my life after I felt strong enough. I did so entirely on my terms tho, unyielding and setting strong boundaries, with no expectations or hopes. I don’t want to change them, save them or help them, but miraculously, by promoting healthy behaviors and removing myself at even the shadow of toxic ones, conditioned them to be a version of themselves I can be around, sometimes even with ease. Of course, you don’t have to do this, even for a parent. By choosing your health, heart, soul, peace and betterment, you do the biggest favor to everyone else, because you promote and demand healthy surroundings.
- I developed the habit of being curious when presented with a problem, instead of being distressed. I now ask questions, look for causes, observe and try different approaches until i’ve tackled it. Most importantly, I remind myself that problems are the reasons for new discoveries within myself and others, and that feels like a win each time
- Most of all, I failed, wanted to die, cried, hurt, thought I’d never ever be able to be normal or at peace, I gave a chance to any knowledge or approach, I wished, prayed, hoped and at some point... I could breathe easier.
I’m sorry if it was as chaotic and unhelpful as I think it may be, hopefully in the future I’ll be able to gather my thoughts and sources better. For now, I can only guarantee that it’s absolutely possible to get to the other side and heal well. I wish you all the best on your journeys 💜
I am so incredibly happy for you! I went to counseling and had to unlearn lots of ways of thinking. I still have work to do. I've just been seeing over the past month that my mom might be going over the deep end. Theres a camping trip this weekend, us and my grandma. Both of them need counseling and I've been gently suggesting it for years and they just wont go.
I'm filled with anxiety about this trip. I want to cancel. But the anxiety of telling her I dont want to go has stopped me in my tracks. I've been in anxiety limbo over the past week about it.
I need to just get up and say no thank you. I just know I'll be expected to give all my reasons and I'm not ready to do that...decisions...
Idk why I'm sharing this...I need to. Thank you.
@@AveryCreates if you know you don't want to go - don't. What are they going to do? Maybe they could trap you in a car with unpleasant ppl. Then make you sleep in the woods with people who make you feel anxious. Or worse force you to act like you are enjoying themselves for their gratification. If you are going to hate you anyway stay home and do it while reading a book. 😂 Punish you over an oatmeal cookie while you're watching Netflix.
They only "love" you when you do for them & do it exactly how they want it done. Anything less is unacceptable for these people.
Agreed. It also feels like they just "give" for transactional purpose only.
Heck yes, you nailed it. A great example is that my grandmother only ever compliments us if it's somehow a compliment about herself. Wow you look so pretty, you get that from me. What great style, you get that from me (while leaning in and whispering so no one else can here, 'you love that attention don't you, stop pretending like you're all shy and don't want attention). Any gifts are so she can be praised and tell people the stuff she's done for us. The truly sad thing is how codependent my dad is with her. He thinks she's wonderful but all she's ever done is made him feel like shit about himself while five minutes later buying him something and saying see I buy you this b/c I love you.
Nothing but "conditional" circumstances.....
And even when you do it. It doesnt matter or you just got lucky or any other reason they can find to demean that you did good.
It's not love
He says narcissists are not evil people I beg to differ cause yes the hell some of them are, my boyfriend's mother is most definitely one of them
This is my mother. My sister is still stuck in this situation. If you see this, please pray for her.
God Bless!
I’m in the same situation I’m now old enough to live on my own but My little sister is about to go through the same thing I did. My prayers are for your sister ❤️
Literally the same for me. Little sis is with mom and I can't see her when I want. Or even talk to her. Praying for your sis
I will absolutely pray for your sister! God bless you and your's!
💕🙏🏼
2:45 Vulnerability and trust are two sides of the same coin. You can't be vulnerable to someone you can't trust. You can't trust someone who violates you.
At the age of 22, I am realizing how greatly this has affected me my whole life. I always wondered why I was always trying to appease peoples needs before my own, wondering why I assumed people were constantly judging me negatively before they ever even said hello, and why my inner voice was vaguely reminiscent of my mother; harsh, hyper-critical, and extremely self-defeating. I now know why my life is the mess I face today. I developed a stutter at age 3 as a result of this, I suspect. I can barely speak to people due to fear of judgement and embarrassment, and my mental health is at its worst point ever. To anyone going through this, you are not alone. We have a heavy burden to overcome but it is our cross to bear. Keep looking forward and never back down, the road may be long but you are stronger than the obstacles you will face. Have faith and make an honest effort to change this and begin to live the life you never had. Good luck and God bless.
at least you figured it out at young age,20.It has taken me way longer then that.
What has helped me to believe it's not my fault and solely their own issue and not take it upon myself, is Narcissism is an Empathy deficiency and to look at the Narc as empathy disabled because they are.
Wow ... This hit me... I'm almost 27... Have no job... I lack confidence,I'm not even innovative... I still want to be thought for
😭😭
ty
I'm 20. I started to recognise something was deeply wrong with them at age 17 and I made changes to my lifestyle to accommodate for that. Like spending more time in my room, being active when they were asleep etc. all of this was to avoid them completely to stop any altercations from happening. It's only now at the age of 20 though they I know what this psychological torment is called.