Yes, totally agree. They're grateful you exist because you're security for them as long as you stay where you are being the victim..... they feel safe because they're not being targetted and they don't care that you are being targetted.
@@lesleyelalami2562 This is why so many siblings in narc family systems tend to not get along (at least, not until they're older and they finally talk things out, IF the relationship wasn't damaged too much as kids). You have one or more kids getting abused and the other kids learn not to do or say anything wrong to avoid it; it's another way of pitting the kids against each other. The "good" kids and the "bad" kids. Even though, most likely, all the kids are getting abused in some way, emotionally or physically.
It has nothing to do with revenge. And everything to do with healing. Some of us need validation. Just if nothing else to know WE aren't insane. We are NOT to blame. As they told everyone including us. I thought I was loosing my mind . Like I was told. Until she called me one. The second time it occurred I thought I. Better look this up. There it was a perfect description by f my ex. I was two shakes from blowing my own head off. Not hers. Its not revenge. Its sanity.
This lady is narcissistic about being anti narcissistic..let’s talk about being obsessed with the need to be a victim and overcoming your feelings of inferiority. If you are not on the same level and feel abused by all means seek a greener pasture. A perfect life does not exist…a perfect partner does not exist one will always be stronger than the other..this we all need to be perfect and equally matched to our partners is horse shit. If you are bothered by a narcissistic partner, friend etc. buck up or move on.
But yet they believe everything the narcissist said about you. Funny how that works. I've even seen a Dr openly have an affair on his wife with his medical assistant, and everyone in the clinic knew and everyone but me blamed the wife. Smdh. I quit soon after finding out.
@Theysewfear I quit too when I know my boss back then was having an affair with the the supervisor and he was also married and it grosses me out, then he discarded her and she started with another store owner down on the other side of town, I know his wife and kids one of the kid was severely disabled the wife looked so stressed out and he was there with his nastiness, with his plug hair I couldn't stand that man, I quit when I caught her and that man on the bread table(this was quiznos in 2003) my boss husband was this sweet guy and she was just doing all kinds of crazy things ugh
I was married to a narcissist with BPD in the 90’s. He was able to put on the BIG show to my parents & siblings. Friendly, charismatic, and full of charm. All of them - except my twin sister- fell for the big show. I divorced him in the 90’s much to the disapproval of my family who all sided with him - such a “nice” guy. I told everyone about the real him, I told them he was out of control and would murder a woman some day. They didn’t believe me. My own mother (that I later realized is a narcissist herself) said I shouldn’t expect to be respected in marriage because he may have never learned about respect in his childhood. How unfair of me! He’s currently in prison, today, for murdering his ex girlfriend. Not sure if the family visits the nice guy.
same exact experience! Except he spelled out in great detail how he would murder me and get away with it. I'm waiting for him to either overdose or murder someone else. It's just a matter of time!
whoa that was truth to power, right there. (If you ever come back to this thread, you would probably be very interested in what I wrote in a standalone comment.)
Love the "flying monkeys" metaphor, because it's true. Their enablers are completely blind to the situation because the narcissist treats them differently than he/she treats you.
Flying Monkeys are nothing more than low life, bottom feeders trying to exercise their own sense of power. Eventually they become yesterday's trash to their beloved narc 😄.
The "flying monkeys" metaphor comes from an excellent book, "The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists: Coping With One-Way Relationships." I highly recommend reading it if you haven't. I couldn't make sense of the world until I read it.
No they get treated the same but they are brainwashed or scared of the narc. They are usually weaker characters that the narc can bully. They are fooled into a lifetime of servitude. In other words, being abused becomes the norm for flying monkeys
@@peaceangel-rl2hf you could be right. I appreciate your take on the flying monkey. I know this, I have zero sympathy for anyone who becomes one to a narcissist. We ALL have free will to do the right thing. No Excuses.
I was to give the eulogy at my mother's funeral. I could not bring myself to speak kindly of her or to praise the qualities that I knew she did not possess. Her NPD had ruined my life. So I read a card that a niece had sent in condolence. The niece saw her as the world saw her, the facade that had convinced everyone what an amazing person she was. No one ever believed me and they don't until this day. I walked away from the cemetary that day thinking that I was finally free. But I wasn't. Not yet. Her voice was still in my head. Many years of intense therapy followed. At nearly 70, I'm still trying to work through CPTSD.
Why did you feel like you "had" to give the eulogy? You had the choice to do nothing. I'm not accusing but trying to see where you were coming from in your understanding of what you must do in that situation. I think too many people don't understand the power of "No!" regardless of what perceived social norms try to tell us. Not being eulogized, by you anyway, might have said more than you ever could have about her by going through with it anyway based upon how you felt about her. I don't believe there is any obligation regardless of the relationship, if you can call it that, to try to speak well of someone when they've treated you so badly. I personally think saying nothing is about the best thing that can be done in that situation.
Prayers for you, I've worked those voices out of my head and my own narcissistic mother haunts me via her daughter who continues her reign of terror in my family. I've walked away from it all and please know there is hope--sending you love.
That's what I used to think narcissism was... until I really learned and realized I was living with a narcissist. And while appearance is highly important, it's only a small part of a big mess.
YES! Society uses it way too much for people who “take too many selfies” or are “focused on their looks”. It’s damaging because that does not mean someone is a narcissist and for the people who actually are, people just think it means they take a lot of selfies. 🙄
Just don't use the word narcissist. I've been able to get support from friends and family, just telling them about what my narcissist does: when she gaslight me, invalidate me, tries to manipulate me and so on. They understand the mean conduct, not the terms so call out the actions.
Ok BUT in terms of getting this awareness happening there is some benefit in using the term/language. I see it as planting a seed just don`t go on and on about it. People turn off
I took my mother to a therapist to 'work on our relationship' and she played my therapist like a fiddle. It was horrifying and terrifying to see how easily she ran over her. That's when I realized no contact was the only answer.
I dragged my narc to therapy with me twice (two different therapists). I ended after one session when I saw how he was playing them. He was probably overjoyed not to have to go back. I will never do that again.
I made a comment about my ex to my grown daughter. I was shocked when she agreed, "of course mom, he's a narcissist". And I thought no one else could see it!
Your co-dependent traits, especially looking for validation from the outside, hits home here. No one will believe you...you must become completely independent and self validating to get out. Self-love and respect is paramount.
Sometimes it is not because they disown you but because it is too hard to face their own discomfort at being called out. Silence may be a kindness if they truly don't know how to respond in a less toxic way.
I think people somehow think they are a better judge of character than you - based on their few short pleasant interactions compared to your years of experience. It demonstrates how stupid they are and makes them feel superior and comfortable because they can go on being friendly with the "nice guy" you're accusing. They soon come running to you for sympathy once he turns on them too - I wouldn't give them the time of day.
You got that right... as soon as i broke up with my ex fiancé, when i told my “friends”, their response was crap lol and they didn’t support me.. sucks knowing that ur friends turn out to be stinky narcs😣😭
I think that it’s Dr Ramani’s mission to educate people on this but it should be more mainstream. GP’s should be trained to recognise it along with other signs of mental distress. I have met people who have come out of terrible marriages who despite years of therapy are utterly unaware that they have endured years of narcissistic abuse. Having extricated themselves from hell they still have little concept of the nature of that hell. It might seem neither here nor there, now that they are out but absolute freedom from such hell requires a clear understanding of the reasons why one must never return. Someone who does not understand that their ex is a narcissist, is more vulnerable to being convinced to give the relationship another try ( get hoovered back) or to simply fall in love with another narcissist. You can’t run a “red flag” check on a prospective partner if you are not educated on what constitutes a “red flag”. Convincing someone of the virtue and necessity of “no contact” beyond contact that is absolutely necessary is near impossible when there is no grasp of the dangers of narcissism. I’ve met people who continue to have their lives made miserable by their ex because they cannot bring themselves to be so “cruel” as to cut them off. Perhaps it’s not just a lack of knowledge but a need for “permission” that can only come from a trusted source like a therapist. People don’t always trust that their friends are unbiased and often they are not, so they assume that a friend’s assessment of a ex might be exaggerated and best ignored. This is where the educated, unbiased voice needs to be heard clearly stating that narcissistic abuse has been endured and that radical acceptance is necessary to move on to a happier life.
@@juli_gotshal in Phoenix Arizona a friend of mine gives seminars to the Police and the various people who work in the courtrooms on narcissistic abuse/narcissistic personality disorder.
@Gordon Fornow It is the Money Power. Establishment, Inc. psychologists do what they are paid to do. A real or archetypal Biblical interpretation is that the family-centric Money Power Monopolists are engineering narcissists as a "silent weapon" on "competing bloodlines.". The Biblical tie-in is that the fruits of narcissism appear to be the exact opposite of the Fruits of God's Spirit. As such, it would be reasonable to refer to it as "the spirit of the anti-Christ." I have a theory as to how it is being engineered. Metallic iron filings were added to the food supply in 1941. This iron-induced oxidative stress depletes ceruloplasmin-bound copper, the enzyme that expresses as ferro-oxidase which, in turn, is responsible for managing iron safely in the body. This is a negative feedback loop. Over time, the toxic iron is driven deep.enough into the cells that it triggers NLRP3, an inflammazone protein called the "danger sensor" of the cell. Imagine fear emanating from inside your brain cells and/or inside your nervous system cells. This "fear signal" becomes the default, and drives its victims to seek out pleasant "noise," aka, "supply.". They have no inner regulation, so they try and compensate by external regulation -- aka, their control freakism. This toxic iron based denutrification and toxification agenda is what the Money Power Families call a "silent weapon" in their "quiet war" against the masses they desire to control.
My mother was a narcissist. Everyone loved her and accused me of being a thankless child when I tried to tell. She was a master manipulator and had them all fooled.
I’ve found the best way to deal w my mother is to not engage. No matter what she says, no matter what buttons she pushes, I just grit my teeth and take her emotional grenades. I remind myself that not only am I an adult, I’m an old adult and I don’t have to take her crap anymore. Admittedly, I still get guilted into doing things from time to time - she’s had years to hone her craft, so I’m not impervious to all of her arrows - but for the most part, I’ve done an okay job of keeping the wolf at bay ( no offense, sweet wolves). All I can do now is continue to stay strong. All of this will be over one day, so for now, I just try to be as happy as I can. Like Dr. Ramani said, you can’t explain to people what you’re going through. Just find ways to adapt and adjust.
Mine too. A few get it and I’m always surprised. An acquaintance of hers asked her at church, “what kind of tricks are you up too.” I was so surprised. I’ve know this lady since childhood and she saw how emotionally crippled I was as a result of the mean nasty abuse I suffered. At that time I was still in contact going grey rock, but man did she nail me a few times. She’s so good at getting your guard down, then flipping that switch when no one is around.
@@depnewshound I did that " game " for YEAR'S!!! Until it just wasn't enough for Narcissist Mother. Im thee Eldest of 4 * only Child that Ever stayed serving Jesus. .My other Sibs refuse to even believe in GOD..She still insisted on poking the BEAR 🐻 Me..lol ..It was over Trumpism. I of course against. Chose to never discuss because it was her Ultimate Control Freak Out With Me NOT BEING A TRUMPEE!!! NEVER TRUMPER...HELL NO!! She Actually came in My 🏡WAVING that EVANGELICAL Finger in my Face stating, demanding, " IF YOU DONT VOTE FOR TRUMP ; YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE ABORTED BABIES " That's not even BIBLICAL...I simply answered yet again: Give Me ONE Scripture that says Anything about Trumpism is BIBLICAL, GODLY or Jesus messages of LOVE, KINDNESS, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION? Again She just got angry 😠😡 and Stormed off..My father, sitting there ( thee 57 year Enabler of my Lifetime) Dismissed Me for the Final Time...I'm sure to save His Ass..He knows his wife's problems 🙄. She's never going ✋ Bugging Me & Respect My Adult Life & Choices. He doesn't Agree either, but Gave up , gave into to her year's ago.... He asked Me, " IF I can't or won't support Trump with Us; why Am I or Do I bother 🤔 coming by to see them? " WOW!!! 😳 I had just stopped by to bring them their favorite hot dinner??? So I said : " Because I'm your daughter and I love you, I'm trying to be an Obedient daughter by God's word, His Grace, and Actually tried rising above your major hypocrisy in being A Pastor etc. And now Supporting this and the party sporting everything opposite?? Everything opposite that's in that Bible rt next to You, That you used give me physical and emotional beatings over because I was such a SINNER??? over & over from childhood to now?? To represent JESUS CHRIST IN MY LIFE, NOT A CHURCH RELIGIOUS INSTITUTION. ..Oh Well, I gave this my best & most Obedient shot before God, My Therapist and Self..Thanks for Releasing Me...It's been 2 years now. They've made Absolutely No contact with Me. ( not the 1st time she's done thee abandoning & return lol just longest .y entire Lifetime, 2-6 months at a time) My Mother has Also now, hoovered & gaslight all 4 of my daughter's..All Adults, whom have experienced her abuse when younger & as Adults with their own husband's and children 😰 . Now, All sucked in under her spell...Along with the innocence of My grandchildren for this horrendously scary ride They Are Old Enough and Know All the Key player's & Truth's. They've even countered LIES!!!! Sad for future for their parents to Explain later?? They All even Attempted to have Me Put into A County Mental Crisis Center on 51/50.; Pretended to come & help " pack up the house " on my final week before being illegally Evicted during COVID MEMORANDIUM This past Aug June 2021---" Social Worker's Just showed Up at My 🚪Door ? 🤦♀️🤷♀️ 😆 lol Stood My Ground, And they All got Scolded instead 😉 For Abandoning their Sick & Dieing Mother, No Alcohol, No Drug's, Only sick with RARE bacterium infection and Normal Medical history of Multiple SCLEROSIS plus+...I overcame All with NO / QUIT BIG PHARMA, ALL NATURAL, CLEAN EATING EXCERSIZE PT, After Covid in 2020 ( from estranged husband ) Down but not out...I'm a fighter & very self disciplined..An other main reason I Annoyed them//////// All..I put My Pastor on Speaker cellphone, 🔊 Confronted Him, Reminded Him, I Signed A Dr Pt Confidentiality agreement, 1st off professionally broke thee Ethics law..Speaking behind my back before even checking on Me? 2nd, his pitiful excuses lol, He didn't have my address 🤣 or Covid restrictions, I countered with, DUH? ADDRESS? YOU RECEIVED MY MONIES OK Every Week? YOU'VE BEEN TRAVELING TO SAN BERNADINO TO ANOTHER CHURCH ⛪FOR " MINISTRY " ??? PLEASE, I had already withdrew my auto tithe and he/you knew I was moving out of area...I called you out, You're not used to being Challenged...How dare you beyray Me because of your Bruised Ego...Don't Ever Allow A Freind/ Therapist/ Anyone discount what you've been through or are currently going through. ...He began using Word vomit, like, I don't know your old man, your mom, etc? This After 6 years? Whatever. All darkness will be brought to light. I knew it was going to be a battle getting finally Freed. ..But Now 3 months Moved and Settled I've NEVER BEEN MORE PEACEFUL AND JOYFUL IN MY LIFETIME. Sorry to say, Even having My children. ..Everyone has completely sucked Me Dry. I'm not Angry or Upset any longer. Just an Empty void where tat Love 💘 once was?? None of them Call, the grandkids are under control...One grandson got an email, so we Google Duo. ..I poured Out my love and wreckless over helping...Hindsight My own fault. Never thought Millennial & Generation Z would just continue with their hands ✋out..And We're supposed to be seen not heard, out of sight etc..Our generation was the Last that cared About thee Elders. Respect is A Must..American people lost this concept 50 year's Ago, Especially Thee EVANGELICAL Christian .this MY Family members and Pastor trying to Use Me/ MY being PISSED OFF 😤 & EMPATHY TAMARA BLEW HER LID...Due to Betrayals over All of thee Above...vs Being Suicidal. ...You'd have to lock up most of the country 🤣 This is the 2nd time My folk's have put me away as an adult. My story is coming. ...As a Narcissist Mother She always assumed I was gossiping behind her back etc. I learned what she was 20 years ago..Dx by Psychiatrist and Psychologist. That's how I even survived these year's. Her & my father came in for the " family group session " 20 years ago...She did herself in per usual 🙄..I tried warning my dr.s..lol She came in Witcher Adgenda and was not going to held responsible for anything Me? The dr.s hadn't even said word one yet? She went on for 45min. Then stood up & said " that's it, c'mon Steven we're leaving " ....My dr.s 😯😳😩 Avised Me, Well 1st Apologies galore 😅..Then Mone on Away from her...Major NPD ( did I mention they threatened keeping my children & stealing $10,000. From my Account out of my new settlement money, which I had just had surgery last knee from fracture working for Extra cash 💸 Costco. So Apparently I was Addicted to Vicodin...My leg was in an Actual vice machine post op to keep it moving....They took all my meds, Multiple SCLEROSIS, migraines, sleeping pills, etc...The Dr.s and Management of program helped me to stopp further withdrawal from my account. After that, She took it out on my youngest 4 yr old daughter. .Cut off all her beautiful long curls to a pixy ✂️CUT ??? WHO DOES THIS???? 20+ Years Full Circle 🔵..FREEDOM IS FANTASTIC!!!!! I LOVE BEING VALIDATED!!!! 💘 Move On, No Contact, Bless them 🙏, Forgive them, But Reconciliation is not Up too You...I've been Free, Moved Away with help fro Only 2 long time friend's...Betrayals from Almost ex - Husband , Adult daughters and Parents, oh did I mention even the Pastor of my church whom also has a PhD in Psychology, & practice, whom I begged My family members to have A GROUP session...No One was interested? Even the Pastor used Me & mistaked my kindness for Weakness and Uneducated..Sent Me thing's to post on PM or text against Trump b/c tech. Legally he can't b/c he could lose his tax exempt status / church etc..but when push came to CRAZY...He agreed to side with my family whom he DIDN'T KNOW?? Why?? A couple reasons, but it boils down to Accountability and Responsibility. He refused to take either on several occasions that He created. Like asking if I can help out young woman in our church...long story short, It was All a very well played manipulated plan by the young woman and her " New boyfriend 👏" Whom turned out to be on parole for felony murder. He said " it was 18 yrs ago for drug's " YES, LIED THEIR WAY INTO MY HOME 🏡 for FREE!!! Then My Pastor says Leave Me Outta of It " I kicked her out by the 1st weekend. Found out, a couple weeks later, The young girl 34, was already 6wks pregnant 🤰👫 This Young Woman and her New Boyfriend ( whom I already set house Rule's- NO MEN EVER) The 1st weekend, The boyfriend/ now fiancee? Was camped 🏕 out in my home the very first weekend???? Gimme a break Already...People Always take My EMPATHY * KINDNESS for Weakness...HUGE MISTAKE!!!! So when I called out the my Pastor's irresponsible behavior, In helping poor Ashley & putting Me while sick , Alone at Risk???? . I know I caused a narc injury...Even though he may not be a narc..But He has been put on A Pedastal for Years As A Psychologist for criminal cases and as A Pastor...So most People worship him with No questions asked? I learned many year's ago, to question Anything & everything that doesn't fit/ make sense? Praxis vs Practice. ...Thank's for Keeping Us Informed and Straight. Love your Brain 🧠❤
Narcissists view their own outrage as other people’s fault, justified by other people’s incompetence. Therefore, it “doesn’t count” as their own emotion, so they can claim they’re just being “logical.” It’s a super fun game. 😳
@@jojotheoj And they even cite Jesus Christ or Buddha, and reference spiritual or inspirational quotes on the importance of being calm. When they aren't! It's like spiritual abuse! To have someone reprimanding and counseling your behaviour, when they themselves are raving lunatics who regularly throws hissy fits and often times objects. They physically assault people and then counsel them to be more calm!
“They had such a bad childhood” “They don’t actually mean it.” “They gave you so much.” “They do care about you.” “But they’re so great/kind/giving/hardworking”
@@sunshinegirl4715 - I actually called my ex out to my mom..... she gets it. He is such an emotionally shallow person it's rather obvious. It is now. I've been gaslighting MYSELF about him for over 30 years. I am really fucked up about it. I didn't realize how much power I had given to him over my psychological well being. Damn. I'm really starting to realize it now. I used to be a really psychologically healthy person. Now, I am a mere ghost of what I was. Because he emotionally neglected me - and I allowed THAT to turn my self-esteem into mush. It wasn't just the emotional neglect - it was the abject lack of compassion. Like I was a total inconvenience. He acted like he had zero empathy - he didn't give a shit. Of course he kept his mask on until we were well into our marriage. This person I've known for over 30 years - who the fuck is he?? I have NO idea. My mother adores him. That's ok. I'm not going to upset their relationship. I AM going to change my relationship with MYSELF. I am going to HEAL my trauma. ALL OF IT.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for spotlighting this. Following my mother's death and father's death in less than 12 months, naively I thought I could reach out to my siblings to talk about what we lived through and build, repair out relationships that suffered because of our parent's 5 decades of behaviors. My older brother developed narcissistic behaviors like our mom, my younger brother developed the 'I just work here' behaviors of our dad. Not only does NPD rob the person of a health relationship with one's parents, but it also robs the relatively healthy person of relationships with their siblings and other family members.
Going through this right now. I feel I’m losing my mind. Entire family in love with my sibling, I’m the only one outside it, isolated, I look like the wrong one, and I’m starting to think maybe I am.
The worst is when someone says: "There are two sides to every story." It is insidiously dismissive in a way that it implies that your abuse is not reality - that it's just a perception. At the same time it implies that all of the lies the narcissist in your life tells about you are just as "valid" and true as your experience. It's especially detrimental to hear this when you are already having your reality questioned on a regular basis through gaslighting. And there is no way to convince someone that the narcissist is lying unless they witness the abuse or catch someone in a lie themselves. The harder you try to convince, the more crazy and unstable you look.
Lo, you need to remove yourself from this situation. Things will not get better, only worse. You are literally being driven ‘crazy’ by this situation and have lost sight of yourself. It is not enough to just talk about it. You need to get out of this toxic web you’re in if you ever hope to regain your stability. Take it from someone who was caught for decades. The only solution is to purposefully take steps and get out. Be strong and look after yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to these people. They’ve got you pigeonholed and will not relinquish their view of you or their position in the family.
My former worship pastor told me, "Between your version of the story and his [my ex husband's] is/lies the truth." It was so invalidating that it was traumatizing. It implied that my experiences were a matter of perception or were subjective, and it also suggested that I was either exaggerating or lying about what had happened to me. I explained to him that my (now) ex is a master manipulator, then I walked away and never spoke with him about the situation ever again. I'm dealing with complex PTSD - depression, panic attacks and anxiety, insomnia, brain fog, low self-esteem, lack of focus, etc. because of what I experienced those 18 years with my ex. When someone tells me that there are two sides to every story, they're telling me that my symptoms aren't real or a result of something else because it probably wasn't nearly as bad as what I'm saying it was and it probably wasn't abuse. We were just incompatible.
You are SO right. One person started getting irritated and i found out the narc had already gotten to this person and pretty much turned them against me. Been called a complainer and I'm blowing things out of proportion. Finally started recording. :) can't argue with a recording /video. Get police reports when at all appropriate, which is every time they do something illegal.
I'm shocked that mental health isn't required from 6th through 12th grade. There is literally so much information to learn. If we learn about mental health and disorders, etc and how to avoid all the pitfalls, we could literally save ourselves decades of trauma.
Hani hani How can we trust in God? We need the Supernatural to change the natural. The question is: How can we not trust in God. Baby: A fairy tale did not heal me, encourage me deliver me, love me save me, gave me favor, endued me with power. A fairy tail does not walk with me, lead guide and direct me. God hate evil and He loves you. Get back to Ephesians, this will ground you.
Yes this happened. Almost by accident, called a family member a narc to another family member. The immediate reaction was shock and horror. "nooo! We don't see that, no way, they don't act like that, you're just a jerk...etc". Nobody else can see it, because the narc creates a unique relationship with each person.
Yes! The mother who treats you like shit, tells you everything you do is wrong, you are incompetent but always, always they do this when you alone at home when no one else is around. Then, when you leave to save yourself, you are suddenly a bad, ungrateful daughter.
I think narcissist use their lizard brain primarily and the use frontal cortex to enhance lizard goals. A theory. Opposed to using fronal cortex to keep lizard brain in check.
Wow, that is sooo true. Lol neva thought of it like that. Nicely said. Kinda wish I coulda said that to her to make her see but 100 percent positive it still wouldn't work. It's kinda fascinating in a way.
Most people won't believe anything you say about another person unless they personally have experienced it. Or maybe they just don't care unless it touches them personally. I think this mindset is partially responsible for many people's lack of caring about many injustices and abuse in the world. They have become so self- centered that they just don't care about other people.
And/or, they simply don't have the incentive and energy to expend to try to fully comprehend. If it's out of their range of personal experience and they are struggling to keep up with their own lives and responsibilities, they won't have the capacity to do everything it takes to really understand. I think there is a difference between being callously self-centered and uncaring -without empathy for others, and instead, being overwhelmed enough that people don't have the wherewithal to contemplate issues they can't recognize as detrimental to everyone. Compounding that is the issue that so many people feel powerless to create any change in what is detracting from the common weal.
@@sparkythancztwise when I care about someone I get energy to do the things that are not exactly my pass time because I want them to be happy she is not saying you're an unempathetic psychopath she is saying that you get wrapped up in caring about yourself so much that you think it's fine to not do that daunting task that could make the person you care abouts life better we get busy life gets hard it's harder to do those things for people you're tired of using your energy but if you care about them you'll be there for this it's narcissistic abuse not a random favor it can effect someone's life immensely
It's an inconvenience for them if they even try to listen. In essence, they're calling you a liar. And It's petty much they don't care about you that much to even consider you're not lying. When you do not have a habit of lying and your word is good, it would seem that you'd be believed, but I've found that only REAL friends will believe. On the bright side, we might use this to "make lemonade" to weed out our friends and family.
Right Miss Nancy : no justice , no compassion from our family member. I had to feel it on myself ; this sad truth about it. My mother, didnt want to take me serious, when I told her, that my ex used to insult me. Her response : " oh, but he's so nice and helps you. " it's like she purposely ignored my call for help. The same response I got from brother's girlfriend .
This is why narcissism should be a required class in school...EVERYONE needs to be educated about them. Teach people what this is, how to recognize it and how to deal with it (don’t!!). Knowledge is power 💪.
Ok but the majority of humans reject their failures, can't or won't understand what's really going on and why, therefore can't teach, and ultimately hurt children or worse. All humans are failing at figuring out how to stop the core problem causing humans hurting humans. It's one thing to say what should be done about this, but the reality of the human condition will not listen to what should be done. But please keep trying to figure out something that will work.
I don’t know about in America, but in Britain about half of the teachers are Narcissists. They are never going to be able to deliver any mental health lessons without turning them into more abuse. We need mental health professionals to go in and deliver that curriculum. In the UK there’s often calls for more mental health and relationship training to go on the curriculum, and delivered by teachers, and I’m like “are you kidding me?”
I tried to just be me, until My little brother told me that our sister had told him that I hated him,(since he was born), after that knowledge I completely cut any ties or communication at all. I couldn't even call her if I wanted to because I deleted her number from my phone. I believe how she treated us both over the years was a form of witchcraft. The Bible says , "give no place to the devil". 🙏🏼🙏🏾🙏🙏🏿
Hollywood doesn’t help with its tales of redemption - it makes people believe that all you’ve got to do is melt someone’s heart and they’ll change. What if they haven’t got a heart?
@Dawn Green Would you mind explaining your comment? A friend of mine is married to a narcissist who presents her sweet she's-such-a nice-person persona to her church friends with her bogus religiosity backing her up and then verbally assaults her husband, demeans him and calls him an asshole at home, twisting simple things he has said into gigantic thermonuclear tirades, leaving him utterly bewildered. I was married to that type myself years ago and i know exactly what he is going through. She plays the victim ands makes everything wrong in their horrible marriage to be his fault, all the while playing the innocent, abused Christian wife. I know for a fact he is a kind and gentle man who is well known and loved in our industry and would not hurt a fly and is a true Christian man.
@@paxrail because Dawn Green hasn’t got back to you, I’ll have a go. I think she meant that Christian religious institutions behave as if the second you “surrender to Jesus” you are healed and all evil behaviour is gone. Narcissism is an endemic pattern in the wiring of the brain which started in infancy and CANNOT be changed, or treat, or therapised out of somebody. There is no treatment. In my experience churches are full of narcissists and people who are too sweet and gentle to see it or to realise it can’t be changed. It sounds as if the Christian gentleman who is your friend is one of the latter. You need to try to explain it to him, and if he still believes baptism can cure everything, then advise him to hold the Narcs under for five minutes. That’s the only way to cure them - return them to Jesus.
I had a boss who was narcissistic. The entire team found them confusing and demeaning. I suggested they look at Narcissism on TH-cam. The next day they were all saying “ Oh my goodness, that is so X”. It was so healing for the team
My experience is that most people don't understand the techniques used to hurt you, and narcissists are clever, often more affluent, and people can be very shallow.
Yeah people are superficial. They see the surface charade and blindly believe it. They see someone driving an expensive car and think, gee, that person does well. Well how do they know that is not their fathers' car, or uncles' car? Or their brother went on holidays and asked the idiot to take care of it. Dumb assed species is human kind.
All hurt is personal hurt, you can't explain how you got hit by a bus, or thrown under it, people can empathise with you, but the main thing to focus on, is that most of us didn't recognise the pattern, while in fact we should have learned to take care of ourselves. Our lives should be about how good your life is going to be, now you know, and they stay in the past unable to change, people who are true empathisers have also the greatest capability for growth, and in the end undoing your own victimisation. The future is brighter than most people tend to believe.
They dismiss you as sensitive, overly dramatic, or even toxic and make excuses for them. They come across calm and reasonable and because the victim experiences trauma...we come across crazy and erratic or not able to "let go" or move on. Which people don't understand may not be that easy Financially, ptsd, etc.
My sister is the narc and she has made me the one that everyone around her loves to hate. I decided it doesn't matter if everyone hates me due to her lies. I also know the truth, because she's always the victim and the one everyone should feel sorry for. If someone says anything nice about me she immediately starts acting like im horrible and she's terrified of me. It's so ridiculous.
Yes, I agree. You can observe and not get involved in your heart. Love, do not change your beautiful self, because that is their food, when you act as insanely as they do, it only hurts you, they feed off that... some kind of sickness they have. NEVER forget who you are.
@Krishna Patel I am from India as well...if you read my comment it’s the same thing. But I think what you are talking about has nothing to do with narcissism...my mother in law was manipulating / gas lighting me and my parents and making me feel like there is something wrong with me and not her
The children with a narcissistic parent are looked at like ..it’s just teenager rebellion “ when in fact they are becoming depressed and withdrawn because of constantly being berated🤬
The problem is that they still try anything to prove their worth to the narc. My kid chooses to be with him rather than me even though they had less problems during the time spend with me, but he has the control and is ruthless enough to use manipulation. 😢
The narc will sometimes try to turn the children agaunst the other parent. The narc also puts on a front to the public. So, the abused victim is never believed by outsiders who have SEEN the fake face.
My child is being destroyed, I’m at the point of doing something for her, been miserable for 30 yrs and my 2 adult children show side effects, but my teenager is THE ONE!
“You let their behavior speaks for itself” truth 💯 this is how I defended myself from a narc recently. Be patient it will take a year : after a year people realized that I never throw anybody under the bus and that my sole purpose was doing my job, unlike the narcissist. This is when I earned more respect and credibility. Stay dignified, high leveled, never strike back, control your emotions, act if you have to but never react. Thanks to TH-cam and the internet now plenty of information is available about the narcissists profiles so that now HR and many people start to be aware of these hidden predators. So, you don’t have to be explicit and to call them out, many people understand already. If you call them out you fall into the narcissist’s trap which is reversing the roles of victim and abuser.
i swear that some of the reality shows on TV like Married at first sight for instance, exist to show the world how Narcs work and how to recognise them and how to deal with them.
I am 69 years Ike and grew up with a malignant narcissist mother who is 94 and still hasn’t passed away. I am finally getting the validation I have needed my whole life thank you Dr Ramani
THIS part. I had to make this decision, despite the hardship of the narc trashing me after I told her off. I lost all respect for the jerks who believed her. They don't know she wears three faces. I wear one, and I'm nobody's charmer. Come real, or go home.
@@Jabberwalky42 This resonates so much with me. You have my respect and admiration for recognising so clearly how the enablers work. In my experience I resent them more.
After I stopped all contact with my nuclear family, my aunts and cousins would tell me I needed to forgive my mother and sisters. After years of putting up with their abuse, I finally learned that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation, and I was finally free. Great video. You're right you can't tell others about your narcissist.
Absolutely. Forgiveness is important. If properly understood it's empowering as it frees the victim to set healthy boundaries (including not reconciling/ going no contact). But more importantly it helps other relationships become healthier!
Also. Just because other people are all about forgiveness, we're not required to forgive just because they do. They're free to forgive all THEY want to, just as we're free to NOT forgive someone for abusing us. It's okay to not forgive.
I have to chip in on that. You don't have to forgive anyone - sometimes it is simply enough to accept what happened and find peace with yourself for it. You don't have to absolve them of the responsibility or consequences for their actions by forgiving them.
I can see how it is hurtful, but try reframing that hurt. Don't let it get to you, don't take it personally. Also, what would be your intentions when you want to make your environment aware of the narcissist? Is it because you feel you need to protect them from the narcissist? Or is it because you feel the need to be validated? In case of the first: You could say you need to 'up your game'. In case of the second: Your pain IS valid. Ultimately you only need yourself for validation. If you want to 'up your game', you may want to think more long term. But be aware, it is a dangerous game as Dr. Ramani pointed out.
We have narcissists at work. When other staff cannot understand their behaviour, I explain and I direct them to your videos Doctor. You have really helped me and my coworkers and I am grateful. Thank you. You are a godsend.💖
I'd like to hear about what kind of behavior they have done. I'm in a similar situation with someone in my friend group, so it's not necessarily someone I _have_ to spend time with, but I do have to pay attention if they're going to be somewhere I had planned on going. And of course, my friends are interacting with this person.
How can people be so gullible and believe an ass kisser over someone they have known their whole lives? I think the world is full of insecure people who will basically sell their soul to the devil for a little bit of flattery.
My narc once said “you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.” That was early on but I saw it over and over. She recently passed away from cancer. I had confided in one person, aside from my husband, in all 12 years of dealing with her. I was aware it made it back to her when one day she nonchalantly said, “can u imagine resenting someone who has cancer?” Totally changed it around and played the victim with the “cancer card” she admittedly used when it served her. Now she’s gone and forever immortalized. My only comfort is God knows all of this and eventually it will be made right.
Made the mistake of telling her I think I have inverted narcism from pleasing my mom. She probably didn't even look it up and went oh yeah that makes sense, you're the narcissist and I'm the victim.
Core Not to mention a little nuts. What I mean is, people WILL look at you funny. I had this happen. Someone tried to warn me about their spouse being a narc when we first met, the very first day actually. They looked crazy to me, and I thought they were drunk/on something. (My thought process at the time: "If this person is so horrible, practically evil, and as bad as you say, then why are you still with them?? Why would you stay??" You can't say that to a stranger though, and the spouse was SUPER nice to me at the time) Flash forward 1 year and they were right.
SSS🌙 Well actually I was friends with the narc, after that first day I didn't talk to the husband anymore. (Cause he sounded crazy, like completely nuts, off the deep end, etc) She then gaslighted/triangulated/word salad me (didn't know what it was at the time) and told me her spouse was the abusive one (with crocodile tears) and not to believe him, so I didn't. I mean, he sounded CRAZY when he talked to me that day. Like, completely nuts. It was 100% unbelievable. So no, I didn't apologize right away, only after I had cut contact with both of them and started learning about narcissists did I send a quick apology.
@@specialtwice4975 30 years ago nobody knew what narcs were. I would always be freaked out about what was going on in my marriage. People just said, get a divorce. So I tried but they didn't care that I was being stalked by him and my life was being sabotaged by him. They didn't believe the abuse was still going on. He just did a smear campaign and said I was crazy and on drugs. They felt sorry for him for having to deal with me. Today we call it going no contact. Back then it was my survival instincts that made me just walk away from it all. I had to go no contact with him and everybody I knew and move away and not tell anybody where I was. I had to disappear. You dont know what it is like unless you live through it. Years and years later a family member found out where I was and tried to reconnect. No way. I could never go back to that kind of life. The narcs never change. They will only ruin your life again if you give them the chance. Going no contact and staying no contact is the only way.
@@TheCirclingMowass OMG. Yes. I remember a time when we all young that my two siblings were good people willing to defy our parents. In their early 20s they were at fork in the road where they could have separated from our parents, but they chose to stay tethered to them. Then as the years went by they became more and more like them and turned into really awful people. It's sad. Being hooked in to narcs is like a poison.
One bad thing about my narcissist is that he was raised in the church and can quote scripture better than any pastor. That throws folks off. They see him as a man of God instead of the devil.
Sadly, I go on high alert the moment a new person mentions scripture, asks to pray with me, etc. Not that I don't believe in God, it's just that I've been hurt or used badly by so many who are adept at quoting scripture.
With my ex I once recorded him with my phone without him knowing while he was screaming at me, and sent to all my friends and family when we broke up. I also sent it to his father. They couldn't believe what they could hear. It helped me get a lot of help from to get back on my feet, but if it wasn't for that recording nobody would have known the truth.
I wish I'd recorded my Mother. The screeching, puce faced, foot stamping hysteria while I calmly & quietly collected some stuff I'd left behind when I moved out, was truly unhinged. I didn't react but she just got louder & more hysterical. She crossed a line that day. I went NC & haven't looked back, despite the nasty letters she wrote afterward.
@@sarahholland2600 I recorded my mother the other day screaming her head off like a mad woman to my dad which went on for over an hour. She acts soo innocent with others. My relative said she's peaceful LOL
Ima try that with my rents, bet, ty ty. I have other semi-narc communal folks in the fam, and I can essentially make a smoke bomb out of their and my rents’ ego squabbles and yeet outta there lol
@@sarahholland2600 yeah, had a few of those with my parents, then it turns into an Italian film noir when my parents dramatically compete to look like they’re the hero parents in a fight. They were so extreme for so long, the very definition of “extra” but to a profoundly startling degree, and I never even saw anything wrong for years. I just want to escape them, they have periscopes everywhere bruh.
When you've been abused by a narcissist, you might feel like you have to convince people of your own experience, instead of just sharing it. But that makes them much more likely to question you.
@@ljrockstar69 you don’t have to explain or point out what they did to make you leave. That goes nowhere. Put your disclosure boundaries back up to where they were before you let this person in. Say, I’ve decided to move on. People change.
11:12 workplace analysis when dealing with a narcissist. What human resources is oriented towards and how frustrating that can be if someone’s targeted by narcissist. Super validating to hear this acknowledged.
Wish I'd known that I totally called her on it and told her to get out She would never be in my house again. She said she's a prisoner Ok get out and Don't come back
"Have you ever known somebody who's nice to everyone but you?" The response I got was "I know exactly what you're talking about." So it's not always an uphill struggle.
I watched this video again, to re-enforce what I knew and learned. Dr. Ramani is excellent at putting it all together so clearly and succinctly. Yes, the bottom line is, one cannot call out the narcissist; they're masters at manipulation, Gas lighting and gift of gab. They control the stage, power, dominance and feel entitled, where honest people cannot compete. 09/23
I remember enduring narcissistic rage as a kid with my mother and then my phone would ring and she would answer like a totally different person sweet and wonderful. Two-faced that’s what narcissist are two-faced lying cowards! Thank you
@@paulclinton6414 Exactly. That's what my older half-sister (who I did not know was my half-sister, but was lied to by my mother, while half-sis knew the truth) did to me -- all my life. The first time half-sis's behavior was crazy-making was when she was 14 and had sex with my mother's then-husband. At 10 years old, I heard half-sis tell everyone about how she raped by our stepfather (who left the house with his tail between his legs, but not at all as a rapist, but more like a rejected suitor), while behind closed doors, at night half-sis would RAGE at our mother, "You can't hold your husband's sexual attention, or provide him pleasure. He had to come to me, you were so worthless." Yep, that's the hypocrisy I was raised with. Fast-forward to our mother's death when I was 52 and half-sis 56, and half-sis told everyone that I had had sex with our stepfather, and what a constant disappointment I had been to our mother, when it was the EXACT OPPOSITE our entire lives. Half-sis - who is not just Narcissistic but BPD - has accused me of every misdeed and crime she ever committed. The night my mother died, my half-sis, along with our cousin-in-law, blamed all the missing narcotics medication on the hospice nurse, when - you guessed it - they are both addicts (have been for years) and they stole they meds. They were able to accomplish this by my cousin-in-law stealing my identity and posing as me (since I was not at my mother's house the night she died.) These two criminals - and that's nothing but an accurate label - had no problem using my good name to commit their crimes, then blame an innocent hospice nurse who nearly lost her nursing license and therefore her means of earning a living and putting food on her family's table. I was absolutely aghast when I learned the hospice nurse had been fired, and was under investigation with the State Board governing nursing - I knew my half-sis was working overtime on this. Exactly as Dr Ramani describes, I fortunately was able to step in with written, neutral, 3rd party documentation in the form of my cell phone bill, and ATM withdrawal slips proving beyond a doubt I was at my home, 750 miles away, in a different state altogether, the night our mother died. With a written 10-page statement from me, documenting my half-sister's 20 year abuse of narcotic drugs - specifically by stealing them from our mother for years - showed that the main supporting statement taken by the nurse called to the house at the time my mother died stated, "Patient's two daughters both agree: hospice nurse took remaining medication," was patently false.
For once in my life I had written, 3rd party, unassailable documentation, and a person willing to believe the written documentation, not the narcissist. That DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN. Many times people are WILLFULLY BLIND to the criminality of the narcissist -- because it would either require they do something that would require negating the narcissist (and they refuse to find their spine and say "No" to the narcissist), Or, there's nothing in calling out the narcissist for them, because they are in on the game, and have a dog in the hunt. In other words, on a governmental/institutional level that my mother's death intersected with, they are "making a living" or "just doing their job" or actively making money off the corruption, and thus have no incentive to stop enabling the narcissist(s), and therefore stop the rampant criminality the narcissist is engaged in. Or their perfect reason to fire an employee they didn't like (my mother's hospice nurse) intersected with a crime, and hey! The hospice company owner had it IN for her employee - easy to see when you see the complaint she filed which are only available for review by people named in the complaints. Thus the ultimate irony is that the theft of my identity was what allowed me to see a copy of the complaint -- because I was a named party in the complaint! Sometimes you have to deeply appreciate these ironic twists of justice, because it's all you ever get. I have long believed our mother was suffocated until she died, because half-sis & cousin-in-law were tired of waiting for her to die; mother'd gone into a coma and was alive for 30 hours before 'dying.' But because nobody cared that my half-sister and cousin-in-law allowed the cremation of my mother to proceed without any questions, we'll never know. They know. And I know in my heart what happened. And that's the best I will ever get from these evil people, in my own family. As Dr Ramani reminds us, "Life is not fair."
Yes I had the same experience. Just yesterday when told my brother and sister about my partner. They made me feel it was my problem. This made me feel so helpless.
The frustration of wanting to let people know why you're ending a longtime marriage to a covert narcissist is almost as harmful as living with one. If they've never experienced the toxicity of such a person, your story seems too unrealistic to believe. It's pointless to me. I'm in the process of divorcing my narcissist. What I've done instead is write a list of the incidents on behalf of my husband that have injured my soul. Not to share with anyone but to validate why I'm leaving for myself! My sanity. And to see in writing that even though I was wounded emotionally by this man, i still tried & tried my hardest. Also, i can refer to my list of feelings and offenses will help me stay strong with no contact during my healing process. Thank you for these wonderful teachings Dr Ramani. Your perspectives have given me insight into my situation and the strength to strive for peace in my life.
Same! I lost every single one of our mutual friends, even those who saw the abuse. I wrote them all off and moved on, painful as it was. He went after my cousin against me and she cut him off, so be aware that anyone who supports you can be a target for manipulation.
Or explaining to people that your mother was never helping you only controlling you for 35 years. That she wasn't saving your children but kidnapping them using litigation abuse. That the reason you never got out was because you couldn't as she was my boss who I lived with. I lost my house, kids, cats and job in less than 36 hours. She tried to keep my dead friends bones from me. She mentally and emotionally abused me in court and had ties with the judge so even though I am free of her I didn't get my kids out. I get to spend one hour with my kids at the police station a week... Since covid happened I missed both of their birthdays and there are only volunteers about half the time. I haven't seen my babies in two weeks and for awhile I thought I had to justify my situation and get people to believe me. My grandparents, and my aunt refuse to acknowledge the abuse I endured. I constantly have to wonder if my kids are mentally and emotionally ok and there's nothing I can do to protect them. If I try to get them I go to jail. I can't get ahold of child services although we are supposed to have a case. She just filed for defacto custody even though she has emergency temp custody. No one understands that she never had any intention of letting me be a real mother to my kids. She would undermine me in front of them and as you all know nothing I did was good enough. I bought cupcakes for my son's party wrong and that was a 20 minute conversation of me defending the assortment and amount of cupcakes bought. No one understands that story isn't about the freaking cupcakes. I think I'm gonna try that list thing it sounds brilliant.
This is so true!!! I even played some recordings I made in secret of the horrible verbal and emotional abuse tactics, people who have been fooled by his behavior in their presence say well everyone fights and argues😒 They completely overlooked and ignored how horrible and hateful the comments were. I got no support from anybody except the couples therapist during my initial individual meeting. I played only the beginning of one of the recordings and she quickly turned it off, looked at me and said you are not here for trying to save your relationship, you are here to have what is happening to you validated. I broke down and sobbed, finally someone clearly understood what was happening to me in secret.
I don't think they'll receive it the same unless they've had a bad experience with a narcissist. Otherwise they'll look at you like something is wrong with you 😆
Even if they have a bad experience with a narcissist, that doesn't always mean they won't fall prey to another one. My best friend of 25 years, his mother was a grandiose narc, has just fallen prey to a woman who is a covert narc. I tried to warn him, as I am a Narc survivor twice over as well, but he shut me out. He is now in full enabler mode. My heart is broken.
ErikisOfficial‼ for years I didn’t know anything about cycles of abuse, codependency and personality disorders. Many people are not aware of mental health issues and how much they play into society.
My boss was toxic. She was in charge of 20 employees and only 2 of us would stand up to her. The other person was let go and I transferred. When people found out I was leaving they asked for my help. But I had been the only one complaining for a year. HR didn't care. And unfortunately no one backed me up sooner.
That is so true Susan, the narc made all of our lives miserable and tried to get people fired, except of course for his flying monkeys. Nothing could be pinned on him he was so calculating, it was like something out of a horror story. HR did nothing except moved him to another part of the company. We are all living with it indirectly now 6 months after he was moved. Very traumatic.
BAHAHAHA my Narcissistic Sister was head of HR. It only enabled her further. She revals in taking people down. It's so grossly inflated her ego her sence of empowerment and entitlement.
It was like those films where you feel like you've been wrongly placed in a mental asylum and everyone is telling you your crazy but you KNOW that you are NOT. When I left my ex it was an overwhelming physical feeling, like I was coming out of water I had been drowning in. I hope more people can recognize the signs of this abuse and relief themselves of such a numbingly hollow life.
My 19-year-old son noticed I was very sad. I explained to him that I felt like my husband had not been kind to me lately. This boy loves his step-father. I was really heartbroken. My son told me that he was sick of hearing bad things about his step-dad and that I needed to stop. So, I did. I just didn't bring it up. The next time he came home from college, he became the target. We had never suffered this treatment before. It felt like it came out of left field. I asked him if he was okay. My son told me, "Mom, call me anytime you feel alone. I don't want you to feel alone." I am in therapy, and it seems to be the one thing that keeps my husband in check.
This is why I've decided I never want a group session with my mother, who I believe is a narcissist. I used to want one, thinking she would finally see all the stuff she does and would change, but reading that they will probably not benefit from it, I changed my mind. I've also changed my mind because I've seen, in person, how my mother will sit down, acting as if she doesn't understand or remember anything when she's faced with someone calling her out, who isn't already in the family. It's almost creepy to see because she changes to almost this innocent child, and then behind closed doors, she gives a venomous look for anyone daring to have said something, and then she ignores us until she needs something or "punishes" us in other ways. I know not to bring someone like that into therapy, but I think my therapist understands enough that she believes my mother is a narcissist. I know my mother won't change, though, so it wouldn't do any good, anyway; she actively avoids therapy, anyway.
couples therapy or marriage counseling with a narcissist? NEVER a good idea. They will not only make you feel crazy and wrong, they will get the therapist on their side too! 🤮
Took my ex-NPDH to an experienced, double degree, relationship counsellor. She called it for what it was - abuse - because he openly admitted to yelling, screaming, etc, etc. He then turned the tables on her, accused her of being incompetent, blindly siding with a female, and threatened to report her for professional misconduct. She rang me after that session and advised me that she would be terminating all future appointments.
The person who both compliments you and leaves you feeling insecure with small subliminal digs. This is mind crafted skill. The red flag is you will feel confused, doubting. Like any music, you feel a vibration- your intuition already feels the disharmonious strange sound, words clash, vibrates in your heart..and your job is to recognize and trust it.
Yep. I recently read some letters I received from my mother as a teenager, and the passive-aggressive digs were so obvious. And I was smart enough to see them, but I never did or said anything about it because I knew I'd get shut down and told I was 'too sensitive' by literally everyone in my family. No one had the guts to stand up to my mother. It was pathetic and left me feeling defeated and hopeless.
Loved your comment. When my friends questioned/condemned me for leaving my narc of 20 years, I would say: I left cuz he was too great for me to keep to myself, so I'm giving him back to the world.
I got tired of trying to warn others, when I was young. People would tell me how wonderful they are and aren't they are the best person they have ever met. Now I say, ¨You know them better than I do, so I won't argue.¨ It shuts down the conversation and I silently put them on the highly potential flying monkey list.
When you realize the first attempt is to make other ppl aware there are ppl like them… but most of the times that’s a waste of time and energy. Only a very few of my closest understood after giving them many details of the craziness I was living …
So hard to get there inside, let go the anger, the feeling of injustice...but I think when you get to that point, it is radical acceptance and you care for yourself. So much personal work that took for me. I could not leave for the guilt I felt because of my anger and desire for justice ...Set your self free...
When I confided in someone who I thought was my “best friend” about the emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse I was experiencing she said to me “I am friends with both of you” even though he had made inappropriate sexual advances towards her. I was devastated. it was a painful lesson I needed to learn. Thank you for your insight. You have helped me more than you know.🤗 What has helped me is getting a domestic violence advocate. It was hard to admit to myself that domestic violence and manipulation is what I was going through.
So painfully true. The narcissist's entire community ghosted me immediately, even someone who is a well regarded and licensed therapist. The information you are sharing is helping me regain my sense of sanity. Thank you.
@@rosemarywhitehead438 I was re-written. It was as if nothing I lived and participated in had ever mattered. Just ponder the future mental consequences of that for me. Basically, game over.
@@lennie1703 absolutely my reality. I was re written and written off. Thankfully we are not those monsters. Pondering that future is very isolating , it's especially painful when you are injured then vilified then dismissed by those you sacrificed your life for and those who were supposed to have your back , instead back stabbed you. God knows the truth of these Cain Judas types. Horrid.
How come most of the therapist I've met never heard of narcissistic personality disorder why do they believe "it's all just different people, your just a naïve person" wish there were more doctors like Dr. Ramani she's really a blessing to us.
you have to find a therapist that works with personality disorders, not all therapists are the same, just like any other professional, if your plumber breaks your pipes you find another plumber.
@@Gee-xb7rt I'm from India and a PhD licensed doctors solution for this is do yoga put on a smiling face and move on. Nobody discuss it in depth and want to heal the scars or make a positive approach to life. I've even had doctors say "when you make more money this won't even matter".
@@wildrose2004 I think healing might be too strong a word, I have learned to cope with cptsd and avoidant personality disorder, but things still trigger trauma, like this pandemic and people in the US too entitled to wear a mask. Therapies are like Cogitative Behavioral Therapy, Desensitization, and Reprocessing. Talk therapy is really not good for people with trauma issues, it just keeps you living in the trauma, you definitely don't need to do that.
I believed my friend about her husband. Many times she vented to me, but once he started zoning in on me everytime we hung out, she started gaslighting me and joining him in attacking my character and mocking me for being disturbed by his violent/aggressive behavior. I thought she'd get how upsetting his behavior can be, but in fact she excuses it and invalidated me. I was wrong for thinking she could empathize with me as I did for her. It breaks my heart that she is Team Narcissist even though he's been abusive and cruel to her, their kids, and even her own sister. Her identity is set. Even though he threatens to divorce her often and tries to intimidate her, she's very much on his team. I'm going to miss my friend, but I don't miss her scolding me for being "intolerant" and "not nice" in response to him cornering me and "jokingly" threatening me with a knife.
@@FiercelyGold your friend has Stockholm Syndrome. You have feelings for your abuser as a coping strategy. And if the abuser feels 'loved' the abuse is less often & therefore more manageable for the victim. Thats why so many DV victims find it so hard to leave: they think they love their abuser.
Ok, I’ll share. When I finally figured out my ex was a (un-diagnosed) narc, I tried to convince others around me. It back fired big time. Almost everybody was so infatuated with her few people believed me and it made me look like I was the problem. Even my family. The only plus side was I learned who my friends really were. It did force me to look inward and discover a bit about myself and why I let someone treat me so badly. I don’t hate her bec@use she was just acting in a manner she had grown up with. Having said that it also made me rethink the kind of person I wanted to be with. Bottom line is if you lack empathy for others no matter how much you try to fake it you are not for me. Thanks for providing a space for me to vent.
People don't understand the depth of hurt or psychological trauma one go through . Many of them say that if they are behaving like a kid ,you act maturely . I am too exhausted . Pain to be endured everyday ,with no solution
@J H my sibs can’t see it either. No one died, but I have mourned the death of a brother I never had, a mother that I did have until it was time to leave home, and a sister who has lost her soul to this. It’s a lot of grieving! And it is unlikely they will ever understand. 1 1/2 years no contact/gray rock.
Narcissists are so good at isolating you from everyone and everything you love. A close friend said: "well, I never saw him do any of the things you say". As you said, it's easier for some people to ignore it. Done with being a close friend there.
My BFF took my narcissistic husband’s side ( *even after* he admitted to having an inappropriate emotional affair with someone nearly our college daughter’s age!!!) My heart broke twice. First because of my failing marriage and then realizing my best friend wasn’t really my best friend after all 😔
The hardest part to go through for me wasn’t realizing someone I was with for a decade didn’t actually love me ... but that the people around me that should have supported me didn’t even believe me and talk bad about me when I wasn’t around. That hurts to this day.
Sorry to hear that. I'm going through some serious pain right now with a parent and also had a close friend that turned out to be one after we had a bad disagreement. I didn't know my parent was one until I learned the hard way my ex buddy was. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with. And other friends around the same group heard from the narcissist first so I looked like the a hole of course. So God dam frustrating. Lost a lot of people in the whole thing, but I still have my dignity.
Have been experiencing abuse from a narcissist in the seniors home I reside in, your talks have been extremely helpful. At first I thought by exposing what she had been doing and still is, I mistakingly believed that if others could see and understand the gaslighting she was doing to me, it would help. But thanks to you, especially this latest podcast "how to point out a narcissist to other people " I realized better wait until she starts on someone else and then sypmpathize with them, because until they experience the same tre they will never believe. Thank you so much for helping me understand this.
My Mother in law, in the end when I told her everything he did to me, she said: “well, he gave you everything, and at least he never hit u did he?” That moment my heart dropped. I understood nobody would believe me or be on my side.
Wow, your MIL sounds like a narc herself! The "I never hit you, did I?" card and the "I've done so much for you!" card are always in the narc's deck waiting to be played as soon as you fall for their bait.
I had the same response from my own grandmother who practically raised me when I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship where I was being cheated on. No wonder im so messed up 🙃
Guys, as someone who has had to deal with a narc, I must say that you should not be quick to dismiss what your support is saying. Yes, it is painful, but guess what? Physical abuse is the next thing that can happen. It's not as shared then as it is now, but narcissists weren't made yesterday. They were much more likely to get away with worse in decades past.
I just had a conversation with my Aunt yesterday, she asked where my husband was. I said we are no longer together, she was shocked and when i was talking to her about what me and my children had gone through the last 18 years, she seemed to not believe me. She said he was such a "nice guy" and "he couldn't be fake for that long", "there had to be some good times". I replied that you didn't live with him and the few times you have been with him at a function it was easy for him to "fake" it.
Cheryl Houlden So sorry you had to go through this. I’m going through a similar situation. Very few believe us as narcs are master manipulators. It’s truly unbelievable that these type of people exist.
It took 12 years of no contact with my mom until her family FINALLY asked why. I also had phone call recordings when I was only 12 of her saying she never wanted me, saying that I didn’t deserve her love, saying that it was my fault our family fell apart and she was better off without a constant reminder of my existence. These phone recordings really helped put it into perspective for others just how different she was in private versus in public. It wasn’t admissible court evidence for the custody battle that took place, but it was admissible for judgment from peers.
Oh so true I have emails from mine saying he was sorry for abusing me. I so want to send them yo his flying monkeys and then tell him I did to see him suffer the way he made me suffer.
@@danielmulcahi6327 sorry for your experience. Just be aware that in someplaces are ilegal to share private conversations, so you can plan it carefully. ❤
Yes my mother told me and my brother that she told doctors to take me away she didn't want m e she wanted a girl, between ages of ten and 12 years old.
My mom told a judge "I don't care where you put her, I never want to see her again. She's not coming in my car with me or to MY house with MY family." The whole courtroom turned around to look at her in shock. The judge told her "she's your daughter, you can't do that" and she said "I don't care. I'm getting in my car and she will not be in it." I was put in a shelter that day. It's truly heartbreaking and terrifying to hear your parents say things like this. Thank God we're stronger than them. I can tell by your comment that you are. We survived. That's the most important thing. From here we can go anywhere. For the narcs, they have life sentences of loneliness and misery. All I can say is, thank God we aren't them!
This is one of your best videos. Acceptance that you can't tell anyone, can't change anyone is paramount to my recovery and get on with MY LIFE. COUNSELLORS who aren't aware and get sucked in, especially pastors or other "Chritians" can be very toxic and tell you exactly what you SHOULDNT do. Street angels and home devils=narcissism.
Not always the case. Saw a video where thats 50% of the problem when victims still feel theyre in the abuse so they project it. Happened to me. Got in touch with a highschool friend who got out of a manipulative relationship and we seemingly clicked, but he ended up siding with my narc ex and helped him with his smear campaign. What a life
@@andjelavuckovic8103 maybe your friend was still gaslighting herself after the abuse and so sided with the abuser. What I mean is that people who have never experienced psychological or emotional abuse don't understand what's so bad about it. If you describe the instances they often look at you like you're making a big deal out of nothing. It is very hard to explain to people who never lived it and even then the abused people might still be damaged from that experience and react unexpectedly
Calling them out to others showed me who enablers are and gave me lots of perspective on that but also gave me my closets friends. I’ve had random conversations with complete strangers and I found myself connecting to so many women who KNOW. Calling him out on being a narc was DANGEROUS! But in retrospect, I needed that to happen. I apparently needed things to get SO crazy that I ran out of excuses, Hope, trust- I had nothing left to lose so it was easier to leave. It was my metaphorical rock bottom.
Yeah, the only thing calling it out seems to accomplish is showing you who are enablers and who might take you seriously and share their own incidents with that person. If you get a kind of "partner" in things, you can feel so much better and it helps validate what's going on and you both can help each other in the situation, even if it's only in small ways.
BooDotBoo Yes! It almost seems narcissistic to say you need validation, but after so long of being INvalidated, it’s almost like the only thing you need to feel real- to feel human.
Perfect cherry on top 🍒 “You can’t train people out of their personality” That hit home and gave me a lot of freedom to help in my healing. Forever grateful ❤
Only pure Truth and relating in it , with it, to it , can change the personality , It's something that happens when we yield to Christ , He changed me . ❤
I realize that when I try to let others know, they see it as "talking sh*t" even if they see it and agree. It puts them in a place where they have to defend the narcissist. Im learning how to let people learn on their own!
This happened to me a few months ago. I pointed out a gaslighter ( narcissist neighbor ) to an unsuspecting man. She played the victim role, which worked in her favor. The fool believed her and she got her way. Fortunately for me, she slipped up another time and was less successful playing another individual, and it ticked her off 😄. My narcissist sister has learned to play people and does it with a smile. She'll meet her karma one day. Don't think for one minute they always get by with it 😄
@@AedanGUnit it seems that way, but that's where patience is important. Sometimes we can return karma to work in our favor. I now expose these "evil people" for who and what they are. I used to sit back and allow them to humiliate me... No More. Just always be truthful and honest. Never lie and stoop to their level. Good ALWAYS wins over evil.
When our family therapist suggested we get back together after 6 months of therapy, knowing he physically abused me, that was the last time we saw her.
I had to go to court ordered Therapy after my parents divorce. My mom lied and said my dad touched me. When I told the therapist the truth and she favored my sister and physical and emotional abused me I got to live with my dad. I was 15. I did not speak to my mom and sister until my 1 child was born.
I never tried to point it out to others until we were divorcing. Then I started sharing with people that it was a dysfunctional and toxic relationship. I’ve been considering starting a podcast to share my experiences. Not to bash anyone directly, but more so to story tell. Tell a real experience of gaslighting and how that progressed, experiences with enablers, etc as a way for women to hear it, connect, and maybe see themselves. I’m also training in trauma informed yoga because I want to provide a safe place for women of domestic violence and covert domestic violence. He loves credit and gold stars, so I’ll give him all the credit in the world for inspiring me to be a domestic violence advocate for women.
Agreed - I'd listen, too. Your last paragraph suggests you are not yet free of his influence. Get well and heal. You have the credit for pulling an independent life from the ashes. Good luck.
Ohmygoodness I will listen to your podcast as I endured this abuse for several years 💔😣 and unfortunately its ongoing because hes dad to my poor boys who are 9 and 11.. 🙏🏼💜🙏🏼 praying for the successful change, the most detachment possible from him. The boys are the ones who pray the most for this, its so sad. Its their daily prayer. They wish to never ever have to be forced to be w him. Sadly though, because this abuse is hard to prove AND our judicial system is so flawed :( the system ends up putting us survivors in oppression n we are forced to coexisting w these monsters. Its crazy. So sad. Scary. Hes a covert narcissist. Conceals it skillfully but is so ill intentioned in secret. 🙏🏼💜🙏🏼💜🙏🏼💜 Good luck to us all 💜💜💜
It has NEVER worked for me! At least with family members. Turns out almost everyone in my family was some form of dysfunctional ie; enabler, codependent, denial or a monarchy themselves. On top of that, most of my life has been me ATTRACTING toxic people who I could not turn to either. Things are turning around and improved the last few years and I credit the TH-cam community. THANK YOU DR RAMANI ❤️
I totally can relate. If it's in your family, it can feel like you're completely surrounded by dysfunction, because you are. It's toxic and really difficult to not be seen as deserving the treatment. 'All these people couldn't be wrong!'
My family- especially my Dad, my sister and the external family Dads sister, Dads brother: I knew nothing of the Narcissistic personality disorder (though I had been in so many toxic relationships that were with Narcissists) until I dated one and felt like I was actually going crazy- it was a clinical psychologist that diagnosed him (through my experiences & information) Since then my life has become a very different picture and I have also learned of schiziod personality disorder which is very SIMILAR to the Narcissists!!! I still struggle with boundaries and they have always been an issue as narcissists do not not respect them no matter how much you reinforce them- I love your channel Dr Ramani!!!! Thank you for all you do!!!!
OMG, yes, the entire family is so screwed up. The one thing they all have in common is being supremely self centred. Not one would ever contemplate charity work or doing anything for anyone other than themselves. I have finally stopped socialising with anybody so that's sorts out the attracting narcissists! :)
The thought that screams at me while watching this is that we need to stop focusing on the narcissist and start focusing on ourselves. Yes, it is helpful to recognize the patterns in the narcissists actions, but ultimately we need to focus on our own thoughts, actions, and words. We cannot control what others think, feel, do, or say, and that includes narcissists and others that we'd like to convince. We can only control ourselves. Trying to control others is part of the crazymaking that is inherent in narcissistic relationships. The narcissists try to control others through lying, gaslighting, manipulation, etc. Codependents try to 'fix' the wounded. Etc. etc. etc. Trying to control others, even to convince a person that someone else is a narcissist is doomed to fail. If I am going to heal from narcissistic abuse, I have to start with myself and let go of trying to control others.
BC, at first I started to get defensive reading your comment but then I realized it’s old defensive patterns on my part. Thank you for the reminder. 💪🏼💗
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I really appreciate your comment. I have similar reactivity to things, and I am also working on noticing those thoughts rather than mindlessly reacting to them. It continues to be a struggle, but it seems to be helping. This is part of being in control of our own thoughts, and it's far from natural. Best wishes. 😀
I had a friend warn me about sharing my garden space with a woman who had taken her for a narcissistic fun ride. I was so grateful and took her advice immediately, cancelled the arrangement and never heard from the narc. person again. I call that a win. I'm still on great terms with the friend who gave a timely warning. She was nervous to do it, and apologized in the midst of the explanation, but got the message to me loud and clear.
Yes, abandonment and betrayal blindness needs to surface and be healed in this process. I was in denial, having disocciated from all the trauma (that began when I was 3) until a few years ago when all the memories surfaced. OMG. What a journey. I can't wait to see what the next chapter will bring with all the new knowing. Thanks for your illuminating video.
No one would truly believe my husband is a narcissist because he puts on this air of professionalism outside the home but then treats me like crap because I am disabled and have found it difficult to find work full time. I was also diagnosed with having PTSD and I am a military veteran. I am slowly making my way out of this suffocating marriage over 20 years. Thank you for your channel
It’s so strange how all the text audio video emails voicemails that I have still cannot convince people he is one of the nicest people in public now he’s looking at over 30 years in prison for what he did to me almost murdering me February 22 of this year, and no one believed me and I still have people who doubt me and he’s going to prison!
@@merfraquel2623 It is a blessing for you and all of society that he is going to the citizens hotel for a good long retreat What you experienced you can share in rooms like this where people DO comprehend what you have been through. These are the "family" you need to communicate with. Mostly empaths, we have a heart for you. Being in various stages of recovery there is much to learn from everyone, and everyone else can learn from you. Praying for you. BLESSINGS!
I hope you are in a safe and happier place now. 😔💔❤🩹 I also was treated like crap for not being able to work after having worked full time during my entire marriage because I had to study full time to learn the language of the new country we have moved in. He was the one who initiated this idea of moving And then hated me because he/we couldn't get the results that he wanted fast enough.
Yes! A "success" storey! 😊 My soon to be ex husband's family, fortunately, see him for what he is too. They don't actually use the word "narcissist", but they know how mean, selfish, and abusive he is from their own experience with him. I feel somewhat blessed for that, even though I've had to go "no contact" with them too, but yes, it makes you feel like you've had that "Thank the Lord!" moment knowing you're NOT crazy!!! 🙂
How do you tell someone else about a narc? You can only warn someone that someone else is a narc if they have personally experienced being narcissistic supply & are on the path to realizing that fact. My son successfully called out my NM to me. He had seen me distance myself from her for years, knowing that both of us recognized she was toxic. He just took me a step farther along a path I was already on. In other words, to warn someone else about a narc ask them about a situation they were in that required them to step back. If they are already in the mode of watchfulness and awareness, it will be easier to point out toxicity to them. ("Narcissist" is too loaded of a word for most people at least at the beginning of a conversation.) On the other hand, if they deny ever being in such a situation, they probably aren't ready to hear a warning. Instead, talk about the general concept of self-protection this time. Later they might be able to hear more specifics.
My husband actually noticed my SIL’s behavior toward me by congratulating me on ignoring all of the baiting and barbs she shot at me while they were visiting us. He told me I deserved a medal. My reaction was, “Someone noticed!” He told me it was easy for him because she reminded him so much of his ex wife.
Thank you so much Dr. Romani. God bless you. I recently left my narcissist husband after 23 years together. My body and mind just couldn't take it anymore.
Nobody believes you unless they have experienced narcissistic abuse themselves. Whenever I tried to confide in others, they’d just say I’m overreacting and being hypersensitive. Nobody could see the truth behind my ex’s fake persona. On the surface, we seemed like a pretty normal family because we had been conditioned to behave accordingly. No toxicity was visible outside the walls of our home. Now that he’s playing dirty in the divorce negotiations after the brutal discard, people are beginning to see his true colours.
Alot of people feel challenged by critisizing or attacking matters or issues outside of their own control. Failing to recognize who is passively/actively controlling them in every relationships. Many narcissists might fail to make any recognition in regards to self account. It's good for you that the cat is starting to be seen outside of the bag... 🙏
"There are folks who experienced Narcissistic abuse in their adulthood ,got hurt and then only starting recognising Narcissistic patterns in their families " - FACT (I m one of thm folks )
I had it in my family but didn't recognise it until my partner at the time also saw what I was saying all along. That's when I knew I had been gaslighted for so long I began to believe that maybe I was wrong. When in actuality, I was made to be someone I wasn't. I was the scapegoat in my family. My mother (narc) kicked me out my house for dominance and control, thinking I wouldn't have anywhere to go and I'd come back begging her. I went and found my father and now live with him. She always tried to hurt me and demean me, ruined every opportunity I had. Smear campaigned every chance she got. It got a lot worse though when she realised she was starting to lose her control over me. That's when she started spreading lies to people about my character.
@@ashyh6202 Sis ,stay strong ,we got through that and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger ,so what if our biological failed as parents ,we are here for each other ,not connected by blood but def connected by pain
👍👍👍. Once I took the plunge, and left, my mother started to do EXACTLY the SAME thing..... They've ALL slipped on their bums though....NO Family contact at ALL...But, I NOW have friends, and Good company....😂🤣😂🤣👍
My aunt and my mom are both narcissists. My mom didnt realize shes a narcissist until my aunt started abusing her using her own tactics. I feel horrible that she had to go thru that, but part of me is eternally grateful that she realized she did similar things to me and my sisters and started seeking treatment
Spot on. When I finally set boundaries with my narcissistic mother, the entire family turned on and vilified me. Trying to explain myself only made it worse. Then her smear campaign put the cherry on top. I wish I had a dollar for every time I was guilted with, "But she's your mother!" or "She's an old woman!" I cut all ties with my entire family, moving to the other side of the country, and have never been happier or had more peace.
@@BoysVideoo It really is worth it. I wish I had done it years earlier. Would have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache. Narcissists don’t change. Our only choice is whether to put up with it, or not.
You're onto something here. Abuse feeds on secrecy and lies. Speak your truth and rest better no matter the outcome unless you might end up in front of a firing squad or fed to a pool of pet crocodiles. the true narcissists can be very dangerous, clever and devious.
I was in a clinical depression for 15 years, hospitalized 8 times for suicidal ideations, had therapists galore and not one ever mentioned NPA. My mother was a convert narc and my husband was a grandiose/neglectful narcissist. Thank God I stumbled upon Dr. Ramani. I have been in a good place since my relationship ended over 5 years ago, and now I understand what hell I was in for most of my life.
I realized that people and psychologist disbelief in my childhood stories is like another trauma onto me. But I needed to talk, to express it out so I join a group where everyone can share their experience and the others just validate it. The first "I believe you" comment I get made me cry ....such a relief. You can imagine 120 "I believe you" later I am like reborn. I believe in your stories, I know you are not over sensitive, I know you don't overreact and these are not fantasies.
This was excellent information. “Give the narcissist the space they need to hurt other people” has been the story of my past year. Fight the urge to prove yourself right, friends - it will all come out in the wash in the end. By distancing yourself from the situation, you a) give yourself the space to work on aspects of yourself that you have been neglecting because of the time consuming nature of narcissist relationships and b) put a stop to the vicarious energy drain that results from being around narcissistic enablers who aren’t quite hip to the game yet. Even if it feels uncomfortable not to speak your truth, focus on developing a good internal compass and trusting your intuition, which will serve you well for life.
80islandia, you've said it right!!! 😱😎💕💞👋 After I have begun to IGNORE narcs when they provoke me, I have found peace. If other people do not want to hear my truth, I will not force them to do so. I encourage myself to learn new things and get distracted. I remove myself from the situation.
If you try to point out what the narc is doing,you do end up being the one not being believed . I've watched the gaslighting of three people and there is nothing I can do. Two have become withdrawn ,solitary ,no friends,no life. It's awful. The other one fought back and was outed .
Learning to preserve my own life force energy has been the greatest gift I got from being in a toxic narcissistic relationship. Don’t waste another moment of breath on them...
I did it. Here's how: I was very very cautious. I did not speak in an accusing manner. I just talked about my own feelings caused by the behaviour of the narc. I described the typical narc behaviours without using accusing words or terms related to narcs, like gaslighting. Instead I described the feeling I got when I was gaslighted (I never mentioned the gaslighting, just my feelings). I also used my psychological knowlegde of narcissism to explain the psycholoical needs and insecurities of the narc and spoke about them with lots of empathy. I found that the person I spoke to, recognized and affirmed everything I said, without even knowing I was talking about narcissism. It made them aware of the behaviours, but be sure never to use any term or word that can be linked to narcissism. I must say, it's like walking in a minefield, but I did manage to make a flying monkey aware that he was being manipulated by a narc. Although he probably still would not identify the narc as such, he is very aware of the psychological dynamics and behaviours and is not falling for the manipulations and trickery anymore. The flying monkey was my dad, the narc was my sister. But I have to admit, it only hit home for him, because he was married to a narc (my mother) and recognized the feelings I described.
I was waiting for this comment. A year ago I did the same things to covince my friend that her partner “wasn’t good for her” (He is a typical narcissist) I called every feeling she might have, every behaviour he might and have done, also what he might be feeling that induces his behaviour, what she feel when she accept such behaviours. But never called the word and she still think about what I said to this day. Sadly, she is still with him. But I think I opened up a door for her to trust and believe in herself more, to not be afraid to question the situation she found herself in and to not believe everything that he says. I see some changes in her but I really hope that one day she will completely see it and run for her life.
Thank you both for the comments. I am in the middle of that process. I have been very careful of everything I say about him to anyone. Unfortunately, even though I predicted his behaviors and carefully explained them to select people who could make a difference, they dismissed me or accused me of causing it. I had plenty of proof that I wasn’t involved- the flying monkeys circled anyway. It’s disheartening to realize from videos like this, that there doesn’t seem like much can be done to stop their abuse of everyone around them. At the least, I wish there was a way to stop his abuse of his children.
I did about the same thing.you have to explain..to whom your talking with what a narcissist is...you yourself must be trustworthy....that's why it's pay to be honest.all the time ..I always tell the truth..who I talked with knows me and can trust what I say to be true.....👍.they will drive you insane...make you look crazy for being so pissed off...relax enjoy it make it a game... control yourself.. No one other then you can control you.your emotions..find people who trust you..they will listen...
My ex is a narcissist ..that's why she is my ex wife......took 25 year's to realize...it hurt like hell ..still to this day .13 years later.....it still hurts like hell......
@@jaimejanus7745 you can do it ...take ur time.....I wish you the best...if you need someone to listen..601-522-6352. Don...maybe I can help .....I have exposing one my narcissist neighbor......be well...
"Flying Monkeys" >>> thank you for the visual Dr. Ramani. I've been ganged up against by two brothers and both parents my whole life. After two rounds with cancer, I am learning a ton from you to protect my health. Thank you.
There is not much room in the narcissists heart for sympathy or affirmation to being at fault. I trust this all stacks up for who is actually better or good for you Kim. 🙏
Sorry about your cancer. I've gone through that and my brother said that " I need to improve on myself ". I guess getting cancer was my fault 😔. God Bless you Kim. I hope you're healthy now.
Nobody believes it until they themselves become the victim.
Yes, totally agree. They're grateful you exist because you're security for them as long as you stay where you are being the victim..... they feel safe because they're not being targetted and they don't care that you are being targetted.
Yes.
lakelizard 👍
@@lesleyelalami2562 This is why so many siblings in narc family systems tend to not get along (at least, not until they're older and they finally talk things out, IF the relationship wasn't damaged too much as kids). You have one or more kids getting abused and the other kids learn not to do or say anything wrong to avoid it; it's another way of pitting the kids against each other. The "good" kids and the "bad" kids. Even though, most likely, all the kids are getting abused in some way, emotionally or physically.
This is probably what will end up being responsible for human extinction.
A nice home, a nice lifestyle, a nice car, all those things don't matter when your life is a prison.
I totally agree! I live in one fir 16 years.., last 4 years were the worst because I opened my eyes.. 👎
Amen! Nothing is worth a lifetime of abuse.
Pray to GOD
So true!
Totally relatable!
A wise man said: do not seek revenge, the rotten fruits will fall by themselves.
Yes, the Bible says vengeance is mine, I will repay .Amen.
It has nothing to do with revenge. And everything to do with healing. Some of us need validation. Just if nothing else to know WE aren't insane. We are NOT to blame. As they told everyone including us. I thought I was loosing my mind . Like I was told. Until she called me one. The second time it occurred I thought I. Better look this up. There it was a perfect description by f my ex. I was two shakes from blowing my own head off. Not hers. Its not revenge. Its sanity.
This lady is narcissistic about being anti narcissistic..let’s talk about being obsessed with the need to be a victim and overcoming your feelings of inferiority. If you are not on the same level and feel abused by all means seek a greener pasture. A perfect life does not exist…a perfect partner does not exist one will always be stronger than the other..this we all need to be perfect and equally matched to our partners is horse shit. If you are bothered by a narcissistic partner, friend etc. buck up or move on.
One of my new favorite sayings, thank you! ✨✨✨
Oh, this is good. ⚡
Nobody believes at all until they experience it
But yet they believe everything the narcissist said about you. Funny how that works. I've even seen a Dr openly have an affair on his wife with his medical assistant, and everyone in the clinic knew and everyone but me blamed the wife. Smdh. I quit soon after finding out.
True❤
@Theysewfear I quit too when I know my boss back then was having an affair with the the supervisor and he was also married and it grosses me out, then he discarded her and she started with another store owner down on the other side of town, I know his wife and kids one of the kid was severely disabled the wife looked so stressed out and he was there with his nastiness, with his plug hair I couldn't stand that man, I quit when I caught her and that man on the bread table(this was quiznos in 2003) my boss husband was this sweet guy and she was just doing all kinds of crazy things ugh
I was married to a narcissist with BPD in the 90’s. He was able to put on the BIG show to my parents & siblings. Friendly, charismatic, and full of charm. All of them - except my twin sister- fell for the big show. I divorced him in the 90’s much to the disapproval of my family who all sided with him - such a “nice” guy. I told everyone about the real him, I told them he was out of control and would murder a woman some day. They didn’t believe me. My own mother (that I later realized is a narcissist herself) said I shouldn’t expect to be respected in marriage because he may have never learned about respect in his childhood. How unfair of me! He’s currently in prison, today, for murdering his ex girlfriend. Not sure if the family visits the nice guy.
oh my God... So happy for you that you did trust in your intuition and got out.
Wow Julia !!! So glad you saw what he was, that you got away, & that you recovered !
Wowza! THANK GOD YOU FIGURED THINGS OUT!!!!
FEMALE INTUITION FOR THE WIN!
same exact experience! Except he spelled out in great detail how he would murder me and get away with it. I'm waiting for him to either overdose or murder someone else. It's just a matter of time!
My goodness, this is so scary 🙈🙈 so glad you got out. So sad the other woman didn't 😞
When you expose an abuser, you're dismantling society
That's why it's so hard
Then society needs a good therapist. We don't need enablers. Perhaps being ruthless to both kind will help us building a good society.
whoa that was truth to power, right there. (If you ever come back to this thread, you would probably be very interested in what I wrote in a standalone comment.)
Cognitive dissonance hard at work.
@@geetagupta9151 Narcissists don''t want therapy. They want enablers.
@@soulscanner66 that's what I said.
Love the "flying monkeys" metaphor, because it's true. Their enablers are completely blind to the situation because the narcissist treats them differently than he/she treats you.
They aren't blind...they just care about their own ass more than yours. Working with a Narc Boss is like being on survivor island
Flying Monkeys are nothing more than low life, bottom feeders trying to exercise their own sense of power. Eventually they become yesterday's trash to their beloved narc 😄.
The "flying monkeys" metaphor comes from an excellent book, "The Wizard of Oz & Other Narcissists: Coping With One-Way Relationships." I highly recommend reading it if you haven't. I couldn't make sense of the world until I read it.
No they get treated the same but they are brainwashed or scared of the narc. They are usually weaker characters that the narc can bully. They are fooled into a lifetime of servitude. In other words, being abused becomes the norm for flying monkeys
@@peaceangel-rl2hf you could be right. I appreciate your take on the flying monkey. I know this, I have zero sympathy for anyone who becomes one to a narcissist. We ALL have free will to do the right thing. No Excuses.
I was to give the eulogy at my mother's funeral. I could not bring myself to speak kindly of her or to praise the qualities that I knew she did not possess. Her NPD had ruined my life. So I read a card that a niece had sent in condolence. The niece saw her as the world saw her, the facade that had convinced everyone what an amazing person she was. No one ever believed me and they don't until this day. I walked away from the cemetary that day thinking that I was finally free. But I wasn't. Not yet. Her voice was still in my head. Many years of intense therapy followed. At nearly 70, I'm still trying to work through CPTSD.
So sorry to hear that. Life you've life fully now.
Why did you feel like you "had" to give the eulogy? You had the choice to do nothing. I'm not accusing but trying to see where you were coming from in your understanding of what you must do in that situation. I think too many people don't understand the power of "No!" regardless of what perceived social norms try to tell us. Not being eulogized, by you anyway, might have said more than you ever could have about her by going through with it anyway based upon how you felt about her. I don't believe there is any obligation regardless of the relationship, if you can call it that, to try to speak well of someone when they've treated you so badly. I personally think saying nothing is about the best thing that can be done in that situation.
Prayers for you, I've worked those voices out of my head and my own narcissistic mother haunts me via her daughter who continues her reign of terror in my family. I've walked away from it all and please know there is hope--sending you love.
@ExploratoryLifestyle since when does exercising a choice equal revenge?
I'm not even going to my mother's funeral
People who have not experienced NPD Abuse confuse Narcissism with Vanity. They don't get it.
What outsiders don't realize is that you have been the target of a sadistic person that's pretending to be an empath in public.
@@pegasus5148 Sometimes you can't know which of the two faces is the real one. The Mask slips.....
That's what I used to think narcissism was... until I really learned and realized I was living with a narcissist. And while appearance is highly important, it's only a small part of a big mess.
YES! Society uses it way too much for people who “take too many selfies” or are “focused on their looks”. It’s damaging because that does not mean someone is a narcissist and for the people who actually are, people just think it means they take a lot of selfies. 🙄
Those of us who have endured narcissistic abuse are the ones who TRULY get it. It’s a hard concept to convey to the common person.
Just don't use the word narcissist. I've been able to get support from friends and family, just telling them about what my narcissist does: when she gaslight me, invalidate me, tries to manipulate me and so on. They understand the mean conduct, not the terms so call out the actions.
Smart
I'll try this, thanks!
Yes this definitely works just don't talk about them when they are around it will only backfire
The most helpful comment - labels are not helpful, authentic descriptions are 🙏🏼
Ok BUT in terms of getting this awareness happening there is some benefit in using the term/language. I see it as planting a seed just don`t go on and on about it. People turn off
I took my mother to a therapist to 'work on our relationship' and she played my therapist like a fiddle. It was horrifying and terrifying to see how easily she ran over her. That's when I realized no contact was the only answer.
I dragged my narc to therapy with me twice (two different therapists). I ended after one session when I saw how he was playing them. He was probably overjoyed not to have to go back. I will never do that again.
They then use that moment for the rest of their days. “The therapist even told you...”
Don't even know you, yet I'm proud of you!
Same here with my husband with three therapists
@@annemccarron2281 Thanks!
I made a comment about my ex to my grown daughter. I was shocked when she agreed, "of course mom, he's a narcissist". And I thought no one else could see it!
🎊 young people are more likely to know current terminology and to be open to truth because they are less stuck in their ways💪🏼
Your co-dependent traits, especially looking for validation from the outside, hits home here. No one will believe you...you must become completely independent and self validating to get out. Self-love and respect is paramount.
Yup
Aho!
Yes! Codependents must learn to validate themselves, and trust their own gut feelings instead of depending on approval from others
AMEN!!
Controlling thoughts is telling others what they "must"
When you call out the narcissist that's when you find out who else is a narcissist. Empath friends support you. Narc friends disown you.
BINGO
In my case it was everyone else who believed the narcissist and disowned me.
Sometimes it is not because they disown you but because it is too hard to face their own discomfort at being called out. Silence may be a kindness if they truly don't know how to respond in a less toxic way.
I think people somehow think they are a better judge of character than you - based on their few short pleasant interactions compared to your years of experience. It demonstrates how stupid they are and makes them feel superior and comfortable because they can go on being friendly with the "nice guy" you're accusing. They soon come running to you for sympathy once he turns on them too - I wouldn't give them the time of day.
You got that right... as soon as i broke up with my ex fiancé, when i told my “friends”, their response was crap lol and they didn’t support me.. sucks knowing that ur friends turn out to be stinky narcs😣😭
Sounds like there's a need for Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Training.
Yes a very good idea ...but the class will be empty as the culprits are not the self-reflecting types
I think that it’s Dr Ramani’s mission to educate people on this but it should be more mainstream. GP’s should be trained to recognise it along with other signs of mental distress. I have met people who have come out of terrible marriages who despite years of therapy are utterly unaware that they have endured years of narcissistic abuse. Having extricated themselves from hell they still have little concept of the nature of that hell. It might seem neither here nor there, now that they are out but absolute freedom from such hell requires a clear understanding of the reasons why one must never return. Someone who does not understand that their ex is a narcissist, is more vulnerable to being convinced to give the relationship another try ( get hoovered back) or to simply fall in love with another narcissist. You can’t run a “red flag” check on a prospective partner if you are not educated on what constitutes a “red flag”. Convincing someone of the virtue and necessity of “no contact” beyond contact that is absolutely necessary is near impossible when there is no grasp of the dangers of narcissism. I’ve met people who continue to have their lives made miserable by their ex because they cannot bring themselves to be so “cruel” as to cut them off. Perhaps it’s not just a lack of knowledge but a need for “permission” that can only come from a trusted source like a therapist. People don’t always trust that their friends are unbiased and often they are not, so they assume that a friend’s assessment of a ex might be exaggerated and best ignored. This is where the educated, unbiased voice needs to be heard clearly stating that narcissistic abuse has been endured and that radical acceptance is necessary to move on to a happier life.
@@juli_gotshal in Phoenix Arizona a friend of mine gives seminars to the Police and the various people who work in the courtrooms on narcissistic abuse/narcissistic personality disorder.
The promotion of narcissism is a Money Power Monopolists agenda, so they want to keep this topic out of the hive-mind.
@Gordon Fornow It is the Money Power. Establishment, Inc. psychologists do what they are paid to do. A real or archetypal Biblical interpretation is that the family-centric Money Power Monopolists are engineering narcissists as a "silent weapon" on "competing bloodlines.". The Biblical tie-in is that the fruits of narcissism appear to be the exact opposite of the Fruits of God's Spirit. As such, it would be reasonable to refer to it as "the spirit of the anti-Christ."
I have a theory as to how it is being engineered. Metallic iron filings were added to the food supply in 1941. This iron-induced oxidative stress depletes ceruloplasmin-bound copper, the enzyme that expresses as ferro-oxidase which, in turn, is responsible for managing iron safely in the body. This is a negative feedback loop. Over time, the toxic iron is driven deep.enough into the cells that it triggers NLRP3, an inflammazone protein called the "danger sensor" of the cell. Imagine fear emanating from inside your brain cells and/or inside your nervous system cells.
This "fear signal" becomes the default, and drives its victims to seek out pleasant "noise," aka, "supply.". They have no inner regulation, so they try and compensate by external regulation -- aka, their control freakism.
This toxic iron based denutrification and toxification agenda is what the Money Power Families call a "silent weapon" in their "quiet war" against the masses they desire to control.
Dr Ramani is a honest woman as rare as gold in this world of plastic.
My mother was a narcissist. Everyone loved her and accused me of being a thankless child when I tried to tell. She was a master manipulator and had them all fooled.
Same... Do people see their true colours?
I’ve found the best way to deal w my mother is to not engage. No matter what she says, no matter what buttons she pushes, I just grit my teeth and take her emotional grenades. I remind myself that not only am I an adult, I’m an old adult and I don’t have to take her crap anymore. Admittedly, I still get guilted into doing things from time to time - she’s had years to hone her craft, so I’m not impervious to all of her arrows - but for the most part, I’ve done an okay job of keeping the wolf at bay ( no offense, sweet wolves). All I can do now is continue to stay strong. All of this will be over one day, so for now, I just try to be as happy as I can. Like Dr. Ramani said, you can’t explain to people what you’re going through. Just find ways to adapt and adjust.
Oh wow same here.. how difficult . Thank you so much ❤️
Mine too. A few get it and I’m always surprised. An acquaintance of hers asked her at church, “what kind of tricks are you up too.” I was so surprised. I’ve know this lady since childhood and she saw how emotionally crippled I was as a result of the mean nasty abuse I suffered. At that time I was still in contact going grey rock, but man did she nail me a few times. She’s so good at getting your guard down, then flipping that switch when no one is around.
@@depnewshound I did that " game " for YEAR'S!!! Until it just wasn't enough for Narcissist Mother. Im thee Eldest of 4 * only Child that Ever stayed serving Jesus. .My other Sibs refuse to even believe in GOD..She still insisted on poking the BEAR 🐻 Me..lol ..It was over Trumpism. I of course against. Chose to never discuss because it was her Ultimate Control Freak Out With Me NOT BEING A TRUMPEE!!! NEVER TRUMPER...HELL NO!! She Actually came in My 🏡WAVING that EVANGELICAL Finger in my Face stating, demanding, " IF YOU DONT VOTE FOR TRUMP ; YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE ABORTED BABIES " That's not even BIBLICAL...I simply
answered yet again: Give Me ONE Scripture that says Anything about Trumpism is BIBLICAL, GODLY or Jesus messages of LOVE, KINDNESS, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION? Again She just got angry 😠😡 and Stormed off..My father, sitting there ( thee 57 year Enabler of my Lifetime) Dismissed Me for the Final Time...I'm sure to save His Ass..He knows his wife's problems 🙄. She's never going ✋ Bugging Me & Respect My Adult Life & Choices. He doesn't Agree either, but Gave up , gave into to her year's ago.... He asked Me, " IF I can't or won't support Trump with Us; why Am I or Do I bother 🤔 coming by to see them? " WOW!!! 😳 I had just stopped by to bring them their favorite hot dinner??? So I said : " Because I'm your daughter and I love you, I'm trying to be an Obedient daughter by God's word, His Grace, and Actually tried rising above your major hypocrisy in being A Pastor etc. And now Supporting this and the party sporting everything opposite?? Everything opposite that's in that Bible rt next to You, That you used give me physical and emotional beatings over because I was such a SINNER??? over & over from childhood to now?? To represent JESUS CHRIST IN MY LIFE, NOT A CHURCH RELIGIOUS INSTITUTION. ..Oh Well, I gave this my best & most Obedient shot before God, My Therapist and Self..Thanks for Releasing Me...It's been 2 years now. They've made Absolutely No contact with Me. ( not the 1st time she's done thee abandoning & return lol just longest .y entire Lifetime, 2-6 months at a time) My Mother has Also now, hoovered & gaslight all 4 of my daughter's..All Adults, whom have experienced her abuse when younger & as Adults with their own husband's and children 😰 . Now, All sucked in under her spell...Along with the innocence of My grandchildren for this horrendously scary ride They Are Old Enough and Know All the Key player's & Truth's. They've even countered LIES!!!! Sad for future for their parents to Explain later??
They All even Attempted to have Me Put into A County Mental Crisis Center on 51/50.; Pretended to come & help " pack up the house " on my final week before being illegally Evicted during COVID MEMORANDIUM This past Aug June 2021---" Social Worker's Just showed Up at My 🚪Door ? 🤦♀️🤷♀️ 😆 lol Stood My Ground, And they All got Scolded instead 😉 For Abandoning their Sick & Dieing Mother, No Alcohol, No Drug's, Only sick with RARE bacterium infection and Normal Medical history of Multiple SCLEROSIS plus+...I overcame All with NO / QUIT BIG PHARMA, ALL NATURAL, CLEAN EATING EXCERSIZE PT, After Covid in 2020 ( from estranged husband ) Down but not out...I'm a fighter & very self disciplined..An other main reason I Annoyed them//////// All..I put My Pastor on Speaker cellphone, 🔊 Confronted Him, Reminded Him, I Signed A Dr Pt Confidentiality agreement, 1st off professionally broke thee Ethics law..Speaking behind my back before even checking on Me? 2nd, his pitiful excuses lol, He didn't have my address 🤣 or Covid restrictions, I countered with, DUH? ADDRESS? YOU RECEIVED MY MONIES OK Every Week? YOU'VE BEEN TRAVELING TO SAN BERNADINO TO ANOTHER CHURCH ⛪FOR " MINISTRY " ???
PLEASE, I had already withdrew my auto tithe and he/you knew I was moving out of area...I called you out, You're not used to being Challenged...How dare you beyray Me because of your Bruised Ego...Don't Ever Allow A Freind/ Therapist/ Anyone discount what you've been through or are currently going through. ...He began using Word vomit, like, I don't know your old man, your mom, etc? This After 6 years? Whatever. All darkness will be brought to light. I knew it was going to be a battle getting finally Freed. ..But Now 3 months Moved and Settled I've NEVER BEEN MORE PEACEFUL AND JOYFUL IN MY LIFETIME. Sorry to say, Even having My children. ..Everyone has completely sucked Me Dry. I'm not Angry or Upset any longer. Just an Empty void where tat Love 💘 once was?? None of them Call, the grandkids are under control...One grandson got an email, so we Google Duo. ..I poured Out my love and wreckless over helping...Hindsight My own fault. Never thought Millennial & Generation Z would just continue with their hands ✋out..And We're supposed to be seen not heard, out of sight etc..Our generation was the Last that cared About thee Elders. Respect is A Must..American people lost this concept 50 year's Ago, Especially Thee EVANGELICAL Christian .this
MY Family members and Pastor trying to Use Me/ MY being PISSED OFF 😤 & EMPATHY TAMARA BLEW HER LID...Due to Betrayals over All of thee Above...vs Being Suicidal. ...You'd have to lock up most of the country 🤣 This is the 2nd time My folk's have put me away as an adult. My story is coming. ...As a Narcissist Mother She always assumed I was gossiping behind her back etc. I learned what she was 20 years ago..Dx by Psychiatrist and Psychologist. That's how I even survived these year's. Her & my father came in for the " family group session " 20 years ago...She did herself in per usual 🙄..I tried warning my dr.s..lol She came in Witcher Adgenda and was not going to held responsible for anything Me? The dr.s hadn't even said word one yet? She went on for 45min. Then stood up & said " that's it, c'mon Steven we're leaving " ....My dr.s 😯😳😩 Avised Me, Well 1st Apologies galore 😅..Then Mone on Away from her...Major NPD ( did I mention they threatened keeping my children & stealing $10,000. From my Account out of my new settlement money, which I had just had surgery last knee from fracture working for Extra cash 💸 Costco. So Apparently I was Addicted to Vicodin...My leg was in an Actual vice machine post op to keep it moving....They took all my meds, Multiple SCLEROSIS, migraines, sleeping pills, etc...The Dr.s and Management of program helped me to stopp further withdrawal from my account. After that, She took it out on my youngest 4 yr old daughter. .Cut off all her beautiful long curls to a pixy ✂️CUT ??? WHO DOES THIS???? 20+ Years Full Circle 🔵..FREEDOM IS FANTASTIC!!!!!
I LOVE BEING VALIDATED!!!! 💘 Move On, No Contact, Bless them 🙏, Forgive them, But Reconciliation is not Up too You...I've been Free, Moved Away with help fro Only 2 long time friend's...Betrayals
from Almost ex - Husband , Adult daughters and Parents, oh did I mention even the Pastor of my church whom also has a PhD in Psychology, & practice, whom I begged My family members to have A GROUP session...No One was interested? Even the Pastor used Me & mistaked my kindness for Weakness and Uneducated..Sent Me thing's to post on PM or text against Trump b/c tech. Legally he can't b/c he could lose his tax exempt status / church etc..but when push came to CRAZY...He agreed to side with my family whom he DIDN'T KNOW?? Why?? A couple reasons, but it boils down to Accountability and Responsibility. He refused to take either on several occasions that He created. Like asking if I can help out young woman in our church...long story short,
It was All a very well played manipulated plan by the young woman and her " New boyfriend 👏" Whom turned out to be on parole
for felony murder. He said " it was 18 yrs ago for drug's
" YES, LIED THEIR WAY INTO MY HOME 🏡 for FREE!!! Then My Pastor says Leave Me Outta of It " I kicked her out by the 1st weekend. Found out, a couple weeks later, The young girl 34, was already 6wks pregnant 🤰👫 This Young Woman and her New Boyfriend ( whom I already set house Rule's- NO MEN EVER) The 1st weekend, The boyfriend/ now fiancee? Was camped 🏕 out in my home the very first weekend???? Gimme a break Already...People Always take My EMPATHY * KINDNESS for Weakness...HUGE MISTAKE!!!! So when I called out the my Pastor's irresponsible behavior, In helping poor Ashley & putting
Me while sick , Alone at Risk???? . I know I caused a narc injury...Even though he may not be a narc..But He has been put on A Pedastal for Years As A Psychologist for criminal cases and as A Pastor...So most People worship him with No questions asked? I learned many year's ago, to question Anything & everything that doesn't fit/ make sense? Praxis vs Practice. ...Thank's for Keeping Us Informed and Straight. Love your Brain 🧠❤
Why do narcissists criticize someone's mental capacity on the basis of emotional outbursts, when the narcissist has emotional outbursts almost weekly?
Projection of self onto others. They are too inept to empathise and find out the real cause , so they can only project.
Narcissists view their own outrage as other people’s fault, justified by other people’s incompetence. Therefore, it “doesn’t count” as their own emotion, so they can claim they’re just being “logical.”
It’s a super fun game. 😳
Thankfully everyone is becoming aware...
@@jojotheoj And they even cite Jesus Christ or Buddha, and reference spiritual or inspirational quotes on the importance of being calm. When they aren't! It's like spiritual abuse! To have someone reprimanding and counseling your behaviour, when they themselves are raving lunatics who regularly throws hissy fits and often times objects. They physically assault people and then counsel them to be more calm!
I think you meant daily ; P
“They had such a bad childhood”
“They don’t actually mean it.”
“They gave you so much.”
“They do care about you.”
“But they’re so great/kind/giving/hardworking”
@@sunshinegirl4715 - I actually called my ex out to my mom..... she gets it. He is such an emotionally shallow person it's rather obvious. It is now. I've been gaslighting MYSELF about him for over 30 years. I am really fucked up about it. I didn't realize how much power I had given to him over my psychological well being.
Damn. I'm really starting to realize it now. I used to be a really psychologically healthy person. Now, I am a mere ghost of what I was. Because he emotionally neglected me - and I allowed THAT to turn my self-esteem into mush. It wasn't just the emotional neglect - it was the abject lack of compassion. Like I was a total inconvenience.
He acted like he had zero empathy - he didn't give a shit.
Of course he kept his mask on until we were well into our marriage.
This person I've known for over 30 years - who the fuck is he??
I have NO idea. My mother adores him.
That's ok.
I'm not going to upset their relationship.
I AM going to change my relationship with MYSELF.
I am going to HEAL my trauma.
ALL OF IT.
Yeah, just let the crap happen to them for 5 minutes, then hear them sing a different tune.
Systematic brainwashing like a cult with the threat of banishment and ostracism if you dare question, complain or flash a mirror.
they never work hard they always let people do it and those ' flying monekys'. will nb tell you that, its bizarre!
Emily Nicole oh, you knew my mother? 🙃😂
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for spotlighting this. Following my mother's death and father's death in less than 12 months, naively I thought I could reach out to my siblings to talk about what we lived through and build, repair out relationships that suffered because of our parent's 5 decades of behaviors. My older brother developed narcissistic behaviors like our mom, my younger brother developed the 'I just work here' behaviors of our dad. Not only does NPD rob the person of a health relationship with one's parents, but it also robs the relatively healthy person of relationships with their siblings and other family members.
Going through this right now. I feel I’m losing my mind. Entire family in love with my sibling, I’m the only one outside it, isolated, I look like the wrong one, and I’m starting to think maybe I am.
Dysfunctional families, especially large ones, operate as cults.
Yep.
The worst is when someone says: "There are two sides to every story." It is insidiously dismissive in a way that it implies that your abuse is not reality - that it's just a perception.
At the same time it implies that all of the lies the narcissist in your life tells about you are just as "valid" and true as your experience.
It's especially detrimental to hear this when you are already having your reality questioned on a regular basis through gaslighting.
And there is no way to convince someone that the narcissist is lying unless they witness the abuse or catch someone in a lie themselves.
The harder you try to convince, the more crazy and unstable you look.
This is why I would only talk about this with others on TH-cam. It can be extremely triggering to discuss it with others.
Lo, you need to remove yourself from this situation. Things will not get better, only worse. You are literally being driven ‘crazy’ by this situation and have lost sight of yourself. It is not enough to just talk about it. You need to get out of this toxic web you’re in if you ever hope to regain your stability. Take it from someone who was caught for decades. The only solution is to purposefully take steps and get out. Be strong and look after yourself. You don’t need to prove yourself to these people. They’ve got you pigeonholed and will not relinquish their view of you or their position in the family.
My former worship pastor told me, "Between your version of the story and his [my ex husband's] is/lies the truth." It was so invalidating that it was traumatizing. It implied that my experiences were a matter of perception or were subjective, and it also suggested that I was either exaggerating or lying about what had happened to me. I explained to him that my (now) ex is a master manipulator, then I walked away and never spoke with him about the situation ever again. I'm dealing with complex PTSD - depression, panic attacks and anxiety, insomnia, brain fog, low self-esteem, lack of focus, etc. because of what I experienced those 18 years with my ex. When someone tells me that there are two sides to every story, they're telling me that my symptoms aren't real or a result of something else because it probably wasn't nearly as bad as what I'm saying it was and it probably wasn't abuse. We were just incompatible.
Lo : Get out NOW ❣. Please. While you still have a pulse.
Lo : it's very scary. It's also scary to be alone.
My son told me when he took a college psych course "dad's a narcissist." Learning all we can protects us somewhat. Education is empowering.
@hani hani don't. It's a fairy tale. Take the reins in your own hands - trust and love yourself. Be your own best friend.
You are SO right. One person started getting irritated and i found out the narc had already gotten to this person and pretty much turned them against me. Been called a complainer and I'm blowing things out of proportion. Finally started recording. :) can't argue with a recording /video. Get police reports when at all appropriate, which is every time they do something illegal.
I'm shocked that mental health isn't required from 6th through 12th grade. There is literally so much information to learn. If we learn about mental health and disorders, etc and how to avoid all the pitfalls, we could literally save ourselves decades of trauma.
Hani hani How can we trust in God? We need the Supernatural to change the natural. The question is: How can we not trust in God. Baby: A fairy tale did not heal me, encourage me deliver me, love me save me, gave me favor, endued me with power. A fairy tail does not walk with me, lead guide and direct me. God hate evil and He loves you. Get back to Ephesians, this will ground you.
Oh . . . And a fairy tail does NOT give me the Victory. Count the times when God came through for you-He has not changed.
Yes this happened. Almost by accident, called a family member a narc to another family member. The immediate reaction was shock and horror. "nooo! We don't see that, no way, they don't act like that, you're just a jerk...etc".
Nobody else can see it, because the narc creates a unique relationship with each person.
Yes! The mother who treats you like shit, tells you everything you do is wrong, you are incompetent but always, always they do this when you alone at home when no one else is around. Then, when you leave to save yourself, you are suddenly a bad, ungrateful daughter.
They do eventually.
Their diabolical manipulation of their relationship with each person is ... humm ... what's the word: SINISTER!
@@michelleduncan9965 ..from a religious perspective perhaps but from a scientific point of view it's a result of emotional repression.
@@MyheartofthematterMost will if they are privy to the true antics that go on.
Narcissists are smart enough to fool everyone around them and get their way, but theyre not smart enough to see past their own ego.
And their egos are as big as Mt. Everest!
Ooouch let that sink in 💯💯💯
Well said
I think narcissist use their lizard brain primarily and the use frontal cortex to enhance lizard goals. A theory. Opposed to using fronal cortex to keep lizard brain in check.
Wow, that is sooo true. Lol neva thought of it like that. Nicely said. Kinda wish I coulda said that to her to make her see but 100 percent positive it still wouldn't work. It's kinda fascinating in a way.
Most people won't believe anything you say about another person unless they personally have experienced it. Or maybe they just don't care unless it touches them personally. I think this mindset is partially responsible for many people's lack of caring about many injustices and abuse in the world. They have become so self- centered that they just don't care about other people.
And/or, they simply don't have the incentive and energy to expend to try to fully comprehend. If it's out of their range of personal experience and they are struggling to keep up with their own lives and responsibilities, they won't have the capacity to do everything it takes to really understand. I think there is a difference between being callously self-centered and uncaring -without empathy for others, and instead, being overwhelmed enough that people don't have the wherewithal to contemplate issues they can't recognize as detrimental to everyone. Compounding that is the issue that so many people feel powerless to create any change in what is detracting from the common weal.
But for some reason people believe everything the narc says about you :(
@@sparkythancztwise when I care about someone I get energy to do the things that are not exactly my pass time because I want them to be happy she is not saying you're an unempathetic psychopath she is saying that you get wrapped up in caring about yourself so much that you think it's fine to not do that daunting task that could make the person you care abouts life better we get busy life gets hard it's harder to do those things for people you're tired of using your energy but if you care about them you'll be there for this it's narcissistic abuse not a random favor it can effect someone's life immensely
It's an inconvenience for them if they even try to listen. In essence, they're calling you a liar. And It's petty much they don't care about you that much to even consider you're not lying. When you do not have a habit of lying and your word is good, it would seem that you'd be believed, but I've found that only REAL friends will believe.
On the bright side, we might use this to "make lemonade" to weed out our friends and family.
Right Miss Nancy : no justice , no compassion from our family member. I had to feel it on myself ; this sad truth about it. My mother, didnt want to take me serious, when I told her, that my ex used to insult me. Her response : " oh, but he's so nice and helps you. " it's like she purposely ignored my call for help. The same response I got from brother's girlfriend .
This is why narcissism should be a required class in school...EVERYONE needs to be educated about them. Teach people what this is, how to recognize it and how to deal with it (don’t!!). Knowledge is power 💪.
Ok but the majority of humans reject their failures, can't or won't understand what's really going on and why, therefore can't teach, and ultimately hurt children or worse. All humans are failing at figuring out how to stop the core problem causing humans hurting humans. It's one thing to say what should be done about this, but the reality of the human condition will not listen to what should be done. But please keep trying to figure out something that will work.
I was purposely isolated. They didn’t want anyone to tell me. I went to school though. It would have saved me.
I don’t know about in America, but in Britain about half of the teachers are Narcissists. They are never going to be able to deliver any mental health lessons without turning them into more abuse. We need mental health professionals to go in and deliver that curriculum. In the UK there’s often calls for more mental health and relationship training to go on the curriculum, and delivered by teachers, and I’m like “are you kidding me?”
Agree
I tried to just be me, until My little brother told me that our sister had told him that I hated him,(since he was born), after that knowledge I completely cut any ties or communication at all. I couldn't even call her if I wanted to because I deleted her number from my phone. I believe how she treated us both over the years was a form of witchcraft. The Bible says , "give no place to the devil". 🙏🏼🙏🏾🙏🙏🏿
Hollywood doesn’t help with its tales of redemption - it makes people believe that all you’ve got to do is melt someone’s heart and they’ll change. What if they haven’t got a heart?
One 30 second conversation and everything about them changes for the better
@Dawn Green Would you mind explaining your comment? A friend of mine is married to a narcissist who presents her sweet she's-such-a nice-person persona to her church friends with her bogus religiosity backing her up and then verbally assaults her husband, demeans him and calls him an asshole at home, twisting simple things he has said into gigantic thermonuclear tirades, leaving him utterly bewildered. I was married to that type myself years ago and i know exactly what he is going through. She plays the victim ands makes everything wrong in their horrible marriage to be his fault, all the while playing the innocent, abused Christian wife. I know for a fact he is a kind and gentle man who is well known and loved in our industry and would not hurt a fly and is a true Christian man.
@@paxrail because Dawn Green hasn’t got back to you, I’ll have a go. I think she meant that Christian religious institutions behave as if the second you “surrender to Jesus” you are healed and all evil behaviour is gone. Narcissism is an endemic pattern in the wiring of the brain which started in infancy and CANNOT be changed, or treat, or therapised out of somebody. There is no treatment. In my experience churches are full of narcissists and people who are too sweet and gentle to see it or to realise it can’t be changed. It sounds as if the Christian gentleman who is your friend is one of the latter. You need to try to explain it to him, and if he still believes baptism can cure everything, then advise him to hold the Narcs under for five minutes. That’s the only way to cure them - return them to Jesus.
HOLLYWOOD is ALL smoke n mirrors and frankly, TOTAL B.S. . Babylon of filth n lies n deception.
Believing "everyone deserves a second chance" is so damaging.
I had a boss who was narcissistic. The entire team found them confusing and demeaning. I suggested they look at Narcissism on TH-cam. The next day they were all saying “ Oh my goodness, that is so X”. It was so healing for the team
what did he/she do?
My experience is that most people don't understand the techniques used to hurt you, and narcissists are clever, often more affluent, and people can be very shallow.
Most people will side with the narcissist and invalidate your experiences.
So true
Yeah people are shallow that's the problem so they refuse to consider the possibility
Yeah people are superficial. They see the surface charade and blindly believe it. They see someone driving an expensive car and think, gee, that person does well. Well how do they know that is not their fathers' car, or uncles' car? Or their brother went on holidays and asked the idiot to take care of it. Dumb assed species is human kind.
All hurt is personal hurt, you can't explain how you got hit by a bus, or thrown under it, people can empathise with you, but the main thing to focus on, is that most of us didn't recognise the pattern, while in fact we should have learned to take care of ourselves. Our lives should be about how good your life is going to be, now you know, and they stay in the past unable to change, people who are true empathisers have also the greatest capability for growth, and in the end undoing your own victimisation. The future is brighter than most people tend to believe.
They dismiss you as sensitive, overly dramatic, or even toxic and make excuses for them. They come across calm and reasonable and because the victim experiences trauma...we come across crazy and erratic or not able to "let go" or move on. Which people don't understand may not be that easy Financially, ptsd, etc.
So true...his mom kept telling my parents that your daughter is so sensitive
My sister is the narc and she has made me the one that everyone around her loves to hate. I decided it doesn't matter if everyone hates me due to her lies. I also know the truth, because she's always the victim and the one everyone should feel sorry for. If someone says anything nice about me she immediately starts acting like im horrible and she's terrified of me. It's so ridiculous.
Yes, I agree. You can observe and not get involved in your heart. Love, do not change your beautiful self, because that is their food, when you act as insanely as they do, it only hurts you, they feed off that... some kind of sickness they have. NEVER forget who you are.
This perfectly describes my husband and how he turned my friends against me.
@Krishna Patel I am from India as well...if you read my comment it’s the same thing. But I think what you are talking about has nothing to do with narcissism...my mother in law was manipulating / gas lighting me and my parents and making me feel like there is something wrong with me and not her
The children with a narcissistic parent are looked at like ..it’s just teenager rebellion “ when in fact they are becoming depressed and withdrawn because of constantly being berated🤬
The problem is that they still try anything to prove their worth to the narc. My kid chooses to be with him rather than me even though they had less problems during the time spend with me, but he has the control and is ruthless enough to use manipulation. 😢
Tell me more
The narc will sometimes try to turn the children agaunst the other parent. The narc also puts on a front to the public. So, the abused victim is never believed by outsiders who have SEEN the fake face.
Exactlyyyy
My child is being destroyed, I’m at the point of doing something for her, been miserable for 30 yrs and my 2 adult children show side effects, but my teenager is THE ONE!
“You let their behavior speaks for itself” truth 💯 this is how I defended myself from a narc recently. Be patient it will take a year : after a year people realized that I never throw anybody under the bus and that my sole purpose was doing my job, unlike the narcissist. This is when I earned more respect and credibility. Stay dignified, high leveled, never strike back, control your emotions, act if you have to but never react. Thanks to TH-cam and the internet now plenty of information is available about the narcissists profiles so that now HR and many people start to be aware of these hidden predators. So, you don’t have to be explicit and to call them out, many people understand already. If you call them out you fall into the narcissist’s trap which is reversing the roles of victim and abuser.
i swear that some of the reality shows on TV like Married at first sight for instance, exist to show the world how Narcs work and how to recognise them and how to deal with them.
I am 69 years Ike and grew up with a malignant narcissist mother who is 94 and still hasn’t passed away. I am finally getting the validation I have needed my whole life thank you Dr Ramani
💯
Sometimes, it's longer then a year. Depends on what the narcissist needs from them fir supply. Money ect
Hidden predators ! Now that a revolutionary way of describing them ! 2 words ! Thanks.
"Self-preservation makes a bigger statement then calling the narcissist out."
THIS part. I had to make this decision, despite the hardship of the narc trashing me after I told her off. I lost all respect for the jerks who believed her. They don't know she wears three faces. I wear one, and I'm nobody's charmer. Come real, or go home.
Yup. I learned this the hard way and taught my child.
@@Jabberwalky42 This resonates so much with me. You have my respect and admiration for recognising so clearly how the enablers work. In my experience I resent them more.
Yes!
After I stopped all contact with my nuclear family, my aunts and cousins would tell me I needed to forgive my mother and sisters. After years of putting up with their abuse, I finally learned that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation, and I was finally free. Great video. You're right you can't tell others about your narcissist.
Absolutely. Forgiveness is important. If properly understood it's empowering as it frees the victim to set healthy boundaries (including not reconciling/ going no contact). But more importantly it helps other relationships become healthier!
Also. Just because other people are all about forgiveness, we're not required to forgive just because they do. They're free to forgive all THEY want to, just as we're free to NOT forgive someone for abusing us. It's okay to not forgive.
I have to chip in on that. You don't have to forgive anyone - sometimes it is simply enough to accept what happened and find peace with yourself for it. You don't have to absolve them of the responsibility or consequences for their actions by forgiving them.
i feel so happy for you and rightly so forgiveness can mean you forgive and walk away but you stay away too xxx
That statement ‘ forgiveness does not mean reconciliation’ struck a chord. Thank you.
Hurtful when friends and family abandon you when you realise you're in the web of a spider.
Been there done that..discard people that fail to see you ...I do not talk to any of my family
It's fine by me,,I'm happier..trust me so will you....
I can see how it is hurtful, but try reframing that hurt. Don't let it get to you, don't take it personally.
Also, what would be your intentions when you want to make your environment aware of the narcissist? Is it because you feel you need to protect them from the narcissist? Or is it because you feel the need to be validated? In case of the first: You could say you need to 'up your game'. In case of the second: Your pain IS valid. Ultimately you only need yourself for validation.
If you want to 'up your game', you may want to think more long term. But be aware, it is a dangerous game as Dr. Ramani pointed out.
Yes
There isn’t anything they can do. They can’t tell you to leave. You’ll do what you want to.
Hiker Hobby I don’t think she is expecting them to rescue her necessary it’s more like don’t disown her or ostracize her.
We have narcissists at work. When other staff cannot understand their behaviour, I explain and I direct them to your videos Doctor. You have really helped me and my coworkers and I am grateful. Thank you. You are a godsend.💖
I'd like to hear about what kind of behavior they have done. I'm in a similar situation with someone in my friend group, so it's not necessarily someone I _have_ to spend time with, but I do have to pay attention if they're going to be somewhere I had planned on going. And of course, my friends are interacting with this person.
@@izzycurer1260 They tell lies and also they are rude unless they are love bombing.
When they realize that they can't manipulate you any more they tell everyone that you are the self-centered narcissist...
100% truth
or batshit crazy, quite laughable really
How can people be so gullible and believe an ass kisser over someone they have known their whole lives? I think the world is full of insecure people who will basically sell their soul to the devil for a little bit of flattery.
My narc once said “you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.” That was early on but I saw it over and over. She recently passed away from cancer. I had confided in one person, aside from my husband, in all 12 years of dealing with her. I was aware it made it back to her when one day she nonchalantly said, “can u imagine resenting someone who has cancer?” Totally changed it around and played the victim with the “cancer card” she admittedly used when it served her. Now she’s gone and forever immortalized. My only comfort is God knows all of this and eventually it will be made right.
Made the mistake of telling her I think I have inverted narcism from pleasing my mom. She probably didn't even look it up and went oh yeah that makes sense, you're the narcissist and I'm the victim.
No, there is no such way. Other people will believe YOU are the narcissist for bad mouthing your partner.
Core Not to mention a little nuts. What I mean is, people WILL look at you funny.
I had this happen. Someone tried to warn me about their spouse being a narc when we first met, the very first day actually.
They looked crazy to me, and I thought they were drunk/on something.
(My thought process at the time: "If this person is so horrible, practically evil, and as bad as you say, then why are you still with them?? Why would you stay??" You can't say that to a stranger though, and the spouse was SUPER nice to me at the time)
Flash forward 1 year and they were right.
@@specialtwice4975 did you ever apologize for your invalidation of your friend?
@@specialtwice4975 Yeah as SSS said, did you get down on your damn knees and beg forgiveness for not even looking into it. Now you know how we suffer.
SSS🌙 Well actually I was friends with the narc, after that first day I didn't talk to the husband anymore. (Cause he sounded crazy, like completely nuts, off the deep end, etc)
She then gaslighted/triangulated/word salad me (didn't know what it was at the time) and told me her spouse was the abusive one (with crocodile tears) and not to believe him, so I didn't.
I mean, he sounded CRAZY when he talked to me that day. Like, completely nuts. It was 100% unbelievable.
So no, I didn't apologize right away, only after I had cut contact with both of them and started learning about narcissists did I send a quick apology.
@@specialtwice4975 30 years ago nobody knew what narcs were. I would always be freaked out about what was going on in my marriage. People just said, get a divorce. So I tried but they didn't care that I was being stalked by him and my life was being sabotaged by him. They didn't believe the abuse was still going on. He just did a smear campaign and said I was crazy and on drugs. They felt sorry for him for having to deal with me. Today we call it going no contact. Back then it was my survival instincts that made me just walk away from it all. I had to go no contact with him and everybody I knew and move away and not tell anybody where I was. I had to disappear. You dont know what it is like unless you live through it. Years and years later a family member found out where I was and tried to reconnect. No way. I could never go back to that kind of life. The narcs never change. They will only ruin your life again if you give them the chance. Going no contact and staying no contact is the only way.
When there are only enablers around narcissists it is useless to point anything out. No one is so deaf and blind as someone who wants to be.
Exactly, especially when they take on the narcissists traits.
SO true
So true.
This was my family growing up. But now everyone sees what I saw the entire time. It's relieving and frustrating all at once.
@@TheCirclingMowass OMG. Yes. I remember a time when we all young that my two siblings were good people willing to defy our parents. In their early 20s they were at fork in the road where they could have separated from our parents, but they chose to stay tethered to them. Then as the years went by they became more and more like them and turned into really awful people. It's sad. Being hooked in to narcs is like a poison.
Thank you for shedding light on this aspect. Sadly only the victims of Narcissism get it.
One bad thing about my narcissist is that he was raised in the church and can quote scripture better than any pastor. That throws folks off. They see him as a man of God instead of the devil.
That's the worse kind!
Yeah, a lot of people are fooled by people who talk about god all the time. We had one of those at work.
I have seen this type of person repeatedly in churches. It's sad.
One word: Tartuffe.
Sadly, I go on high alert the moment a new person mentions scripture, asks to pray with me, etc. Not that I don't believe in God, it's just that I've been hurt or used badly by so many who are adept at quoting scripture.
With my ex I once recorded him with my phone without him knowing while he was screaming at me, and sent to all my friends and family when we broke up. I also sent it to his father. They couldn't believe what they could hear. It helped me get a lot of help from to get back on my feet, but if it wasn't for that recording nobody would have known the truth.
Good on you - great advice
I wish I'd recorded my Mother. The screeching, puce faced, foot stamping hysteria while I calmly & quietly collected some stuff I'd left behind when I moved out, was truly unhinged. I didn't react but she just got louder & more hysterical. She crossed a line that day. I went NC & haven't looked back, despite the nasty letters she wrote afterward.
@@sarahholland2600 I recorded my mother the other day screaming her head off like a mad woman to my dad which went on for over an hour. She acts soo innocent with others. My relative said she's peaceful LOL
Ima try that with my rents, bet, ty ty. I have other semi-narc communal folks in the fam, and I can essentially make a smoke bomb out of their and my rents’ ego squabbles and yeet outta there lol
@@sarahholland2600 yeah, had a few of those with my parents, then it turns into an Italian film noir when my parents dramatically compete to look like they’re the hero parents in a fight.
They were so extreme for so long, the very definition of “extra” but to a profoundly startling degree, and I never even saw anything wrong for years. I just want to escape them, they have periscopes everywhere bruh.
When you've been abused by a narcissist, you might feel like you have to convince people of your own experience, instead of just sharing it. But that makes them much more likely to question you.
Thank you, I needed to hear this.
Right, just state the plain facts, and don't overelaborate. Amber Heard lost her case by overstating everything.
That is so true
My question is how do you explain to someone why you all of a sudden break up with them if they are a Narcissist? How do i explain my side.
@@ljrockstar69 you don’t have to explain or point out what they did to make you leave. That goes nowhere. Put your disclosure boundaries back up to where they were before you let this person in. Say, I’ve decided to move on. People change.
11:12 workplace analysis when dealing with a narcissist. What human resources is oriented towards and how frustrating that can be if someone’s targeted by narcissist. Super validating to hear this acknowledged.
Ikr? 😮
@@dreamclaw00 Yes! Right!
Self-preservation speaks louder than calling a narcisist out. Thank you dr Ramani ❤
It is a lonely life
@@cynthiahassan9839❤:(
😅 8:50 😅´ 8b😮:50.😂😊
True!!!!
Wish I'd known that
I totally called her on it and told her to get out
She would never be in my house again.
She said she's a prisoner
Ok get out and Don't come back
I managed to get a narc bully fired on grounds of harassment. I'm still proud of it, would do it again
Please Tell me what happened with the situation and how you were able to convince other people to see!!
Documentation is probably how you did it?
Impressive.
Congratulations
Really? I tried same and it totally backfired on me. Management thought I was nuts
"Have you ever known somebody who's nice to everyone but you?" The response I got was "I know exactly what you're talking about." So it's not always an uphill struggle.
yes, my sister, and my brother
@@GoogleIsAPieceOfShit2023 we are not alone. Older siblings?
I watched this video again, to re-enforce what I knew and learned. Dr. Ramani is excellent at putting it all together so clearly and succinctly. Yes, the bottom line is, one cannot call out the narcissist; they're masters at manipulation, Gas lighting and gift of gab. They control the stage, power, dominance and feel entitled, where honest people cannot compete. 09/23
I remember enduring narcissistic rage as a kid with my mother and then my phone would ring and she would answer like a totally different person sweet and wonderful. Two-faced that’s what narcissist are two-faced lying cowards! Thank you
Actually I think that's pretty common...
Been there. Know the feeling. A body could be in the trunk and she is cool as a morning breeze. Then turn toward you and all hell breaks loose.
Mine was the same. That was how I realised that this is deliberate abusive behaviour.
Omg, YES!!! That's my mother exactly!!! That fake voice makes me want to puke!
“You love to diagnose and label people you don’t like.”
“You’re just too sensitive.”
“Why didn’t you leave/push back?” “Why did you put up with it?”
💔💔💔
That guy/girl is crazy, let me warn you all about them... All the while they should be warning people about themselves.
@@paulclinton6414 Exactly. That's what my older half-sister (who I did not know was my half-sister, but was lied to by my mother, while half-sis knew the truth) did to me -- all my life. The first time half-sis's behavior was crazy-making was when she was 14 and had sex with my mother's then-husband. At 10 years old, I heard half-sis tell everyone about how she raped by our stepfather (who left the house with his tail between his legs, but not at all as a rapist, but more like a rejected suitor), while behind closed doors, at night half-sis would RAGE at our mother, "You can't hold your husband's sexual attention, or provide him pleasure. He had to come to me, you were so worthless." Yep, that's the hypocrisy I was raised with.
Fast-forward to our mother's death when I was 52 and half-sis 56, and half-sis told everyone that I had had sex with our stepfather, and what a constant disappointment I had been to our mother, when it was the EXACT OPPOSITE our entire lives. Half-sis - who is not just Narcissistic but BPD - has accused me of every misdeed and crime she ever committed. The night my mother died, my half-sis, along with our cousin-in-law, blamed all the missing narcotics medication on the hospice nurse, when - you guessed it - they are both addicts (have been for years) and they stole they meds. They were able to accomplish this by my cousin-in-law stealing my identity and posing as me (since I was not at my mother's house the night she died.) These two criminals - and that's nothing but an accurate label - had no problem using my good name to commit their crimes, then blame an innocent hospice nurse who nearly lost her nursing license and therefore her means of earning a living and putting food on her family's table.
I was absolutely aghast when I learned the hospice nurse had been fired, and was under investigation with the State Board governing nursing - I knew my half-sis was working overtime on this. Exactly as Dr Ramani describes, I fortunately was able to step in with written, neutral, 3rd party documentation in the form of my cell phone bill, and ATM withdrawal slips proving beyond a doubt I was at my home, 750 miles away, in a different state altogether, the night our mother died. With a written 10-page statement from me, documenting my half-sister's 20 year abuse of narcotic drugs - specifically by stealing them from our mother for years - showed that the main supporting statement taken by the nurse called to the house at the time my mother died stated, "Patient's two daughters both agree: hospice nurse took remaining medication," was patently false.
For once in my life I had written, 3rd party, unassailable documentation, and a person willing to believe the written documentation, not the narcissist. That DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN. Many times people are WILLFULLY BLIND to the criminality of the narcissist -- because it would either require they do something that would require negating the narcissist (and they refuse to find their spine and say "No" to the narcissist),
Or, there's nothing in calling out the narcissist for them, because they are in on the game, and have a dog in the hunt. In other words, on a governmental/institutional level that my mother's death intersected with, they are "making a living" or "just doing their job" or actively making money off the corruption, and thus have no incentive to stop enabling the narcissist(s), and therefore stop the rampant criminality the narcissist is engaged in.
Or their perfect reason to fire an employee they didn't like (my mother's hospice nurse) intersected with a crime, and hey! The hospice company owner had it IN for her employee - easy to see when you see the complaint she filed which are only available for review by people named in the complaints. Thus the ultimate irony is that the theft of my identity was what allowed me to see a copy of the complaint -- because I was a named party in the complaint! Sometimes you have to deeply appreciate these ironic twists of justice, because it's all you ever get.
I have long believed our mother was suffocated until she died, because half-sis & cousin-in-law were tired of waiting for her to die; mother'd gone into a coma and was alive for 30 hours before 'dying.' But because nobody cared that my half-sister and cousin-in-law allowed the cremation of my mother to proceed without any questions, we'll never know. They know. And I know in my heart what happened. And that's the best I will ever get from these evil people, in my own family. As Dr Ramani reminds us, "Life is not fair."
And the classic: why didn’t you just leave?
Yes I had the same experience. Just yesterday when told my brother and sister about my partner. They made me feel it was my problem. This made me feel so helpless.
The frustration of wanting to let people know why you're ending a longtime marriage to a covert narcissist is almost as harmful as living with one. If they've never experienced the toxicity of such a person, your story seems too unrealistic to believe. It's pointless to me. I'm in the process of divorcing my narcissist. What I've done instead is write a list of the incidents on behalf of my husband that have injured my soul. Not to share with anyone but to validate why I'm leaving for myself! My sanity. And to see in writing that even though I was wounded emotionally by this man, i still tried & tried my hardest. Also, i can refer to my list of feelings and offenses will help me stay strong with no contact during my healing process. Thank you for these wonderful teachings Dr Ramani. Your perspectives have given me insight into my situation and the strength to strive for peace in my life.
Same! I lost every single one of our mutual friends, even those who saw the abuse. I wrote them all off and moved on, painful as it was. He went after my cousin against me and she cut him off, so be aware that anyone who supports you can be a target for manipulation.
My children still refuse to believe my husband raped me.
Or explaining to people that your mother was never helping you only controlling you for 35 years. That she wasn't saving your children but kidnapping them using litigation abuse. That the reason you never got out was because you couldn't as she was my boss who I lived with. I lost my house, kids, cats and job in less than 36 hours. She tried to keep my dead friends bones from me. She mentally and emotionally abused me in court and had ties with the judge so even though I am free of her I didn't get my kids out. I get to spend one hour with my kids at the police station a week... Since covid happened I missed both of their birthdays and there are only volunteers about half the time. I haven't seen my babies in two weeks and for awhile I thought I had to justify my situation and get people to believe me. My grandparents, and my aunt refuse to acknowledge the abuse I endured. I constantly have to wonder if my kids are mentally and emotionally ok and there's nothing I can do to protect them. If I try to get them I go to jail. I can't get ahold of child services although we are supposed to have a case. She just filed for defacto custody even though she has emergency temp custody. No one understands that she never had any intention of letting me be a real mother to my kids. She would undermine me in front of them and as you all know nothing I did was good enough. I bought cupcakes for my son's party wrong and that was a 20 minute conversation of me defending the assortment and amount of cupcakes bought. No one understands that story isn't about the freaking cupcakes. I think I'm gonna try that list thing it sounds brilliant.
Good for you! Take it one day at a time, as they say. Don't look too far ahead or too far back.
The crap they do is sooo absurd that you sound like the crazy liar because nothing they do makes sense
This is so true!!! I even played some recordings I made in secret of the horrible verbal and emotional abuse tactics, people who have been fooled by his behavior in their presence say well everyone fights and argues😒 They completely overlooked and ignored how horrible and hateful the comments were. I got no support from anybody except the couples therapist during my initial individual meeting. I played only the beginning of one of the recordings and she quickly turned it off, looked at me and said you are not here for trying to save your relationship, you are here to have what is happening to you validated. I broke down and sobbed, finally someone clearly understood what was happening to me in secret.
That's powerful. Hope you are living a happier life now.
I don't think they'll receive it the same unless they've had a bad experience with a narcissist. Otherwise they'll look at you like something is wrong with you 😆
SO DAMN TRUE!!!! THEY WILL LOOK AT YOU LIKE YR THE PROBLEM.
Even if they have a bad experience with a narcissist, that doesn't always mean they won't fall prey to another one. My best friend of 25 years, his mother was a grandiose narc, has just fallen prey to a woman who is a covert narc. I tried to warn him, as I am a Narc survivor twice over as well, but he shut me out. He is now in full enabler mode. My heart is broken.
ErikisOfficial‼ for years I didn’t know anything about cycles of abuse, codependency and personality disorders. Many people are not aware of mental health issues and how much they play into society.
And not to mention the fact that many are ENABLERS! So they're well practiced at excusing narcissistic behaviors.
Nobody will believe you
HR has one mission only: protect the company.
I've just "liked" your comment & taken a screenshot of it
Susan; you are right!!
My boss was toxic. She was in charge of 20 employees and only 2 of us would stand up to her. The other person was let go and I transferred.
When people found out I was leaving they asked for my help. But I had been the only one complaining for a year. HR didn't care. And unfortunately no one backed me up sooner.
That is so true Susan, the narc made all of our lives miserable and tried to get people fired, except of course for his flying monkeys. Nothing could be pinned on him he was so calculating, it was like something out of a horror story. HR did nothing except moved him to another part of the company. We are all living with it indirectly now 6 months after he was moved. Very traumatic.
BAHAHAHA my Narcissistic Sister was head of HR. It only enabled her further. She revals in taking people down. It's so grossly inflated her ego her sence of empowerment and entitlement.
It was like those films where you feel like you've been wrongly placed in a mental asylum and everyone is telling you your crazy but you KNOW that you are NOT. When I left my ex it was an overwhelming physical feeling, like I was coming out of water I had been drowning in. I hope more people can recognize the signs of this abuse and relief themselves of such a numbingly hollow life.
Rebecca Sargeant,You got a lovely smile
My 19-year-old son noticed I was very sad. I explained to him that I felt like my husband had not been kind to me lately. This boy loves his step-father. I was really heartbroken. My son told me that he was sick of hearing bad things about his step-dad and that I needed to stop. So, I did. I just didn't bring it up. The next time he came home from college, he became the target. We had never suffered this treatment before. It felt like it came out of left field. I asked him if he was okay. My son told me, "Mom, call me anytime you feel alone. I don't want you to feel alone." I am in therapy, and it seems to be the one thing that keeps my husband in check.
Can you leave?
No. Divorce. Get 3 jobs if you need to. Get a b.s. apartment whatever. Run.❤ I love you. You take care.
Yes. They can influence therapists too. They turn tables round in their favour. That's how my marriage counseling sessions came to an end
Oh yeah, gaslight city!
This is why I've decided I never want a group session with my mother, who I believe is a narcissist. I used to want one, thinking she would finally see all the stuff she does and would change, but reading that they will probably not benefit from it, I changed my mind. I've also changed my mind because I've seen, in person, how my mother will sit down, acting as if she doesn't understand or remember anything when she's faced with someone calling her out, who isn't already in the family. It's almost creepy to see because she changes to almost this innocent child, and then behind closed doors, she gives a venomous look for anyone daring to have said something, and then she ignores us until she needs something or "punishes" us in other ways. I know not to bring someone like that into therapy, but I think my therapist understands enough that she believes my mother is a narcissist. I know my mother won't change, though, so it wouldn't do any good, anyway; she actively avoids therapy, anyway.
couples therapy or marriage counseling with a narcissist? NEVER a good idea. They will not only make you feel crazy and wrong, they will get the therapist on their side too! 🤮
Took my ex-NPDH to an experienced, double degree, relationship counsellor. She called it for what it was - abuse - because he openly admitted to yelling, screaming, etc, etc. He then turned the tables on her, accused her of being incompetent, blindly siding with a female, and threatened to report her for professional misconduct. She rang me after that session and advised me that she would be terminating all future appointments.
Mine started making up lies about me in counseling, that is when it was over for me.
The person who both compliments you and leaves you feeling insecure with small subliminal digs. This is mind crafted skill. The red flag is you will feel confused, doubting. Like any music, you feel a vibration- your intuition already feels the disharmonious strange sound, words clash, vibrates in your heart..and your job is to recognize and trust it.
God this is accurate.
Yes! This is such an accurate description.
Gold!
Yep. I recently read some letters I received from my mother as a teenager, and the passive-aggressive digs were so obvious. And I was smart enough to see them, but I never did or said anything about it because I knew I'd get shut down and told I was 'too sensitive' by literally everyone in my family. No one had the guts to stand up to my mother. It was pathetic and left me feeling defeated and hopeless.
Just as in music, can't lie with vibration, words can be lies , but the vibration of the word will be truth. We can feel the difference
“This relationship is not good for me... so I need to step away from it... but I respect other people’s choices to engage. “
Loved your comment. When my friends questioned/condemned me for leaving my narc of 20 years, I would say: I left cuz he was too great for me to keep to myself, so I'm giving him back to the world.
@@kellygilmore334 😄
I got tired of trying to warn others, when I was young. People would tell me how wonderful they are and aren't they are the best person they have ever met.
Now I say, ¨You know them better than I do, so I won't argue.¨ It shuts down the conversation and I silently put them on the highly potential flying monkey list.
When you realize the first attempt is to make other ppl aware there are ppl like them… but most of the times that’s a waste of time and energy. Only a very few of my closest understood after giving them many details of the craziness I was living …
So hard to get there inside, let go the anger, the feeling of injustice...but I think when you get to that point, it is radical acceptance and you care for yourself. So much personal work that took for me. I could not leave for the guilt I felt because of my anger and desire for justice ...Set your self free...
When I confided in someone who I thought was my “best friend” about the emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse I was experiencing she said to me “I am friends with both of you” even though he had made inappropriate sexual advances towards her. I was devastated. it was a painful lesson I needed to learn.
Thank you for your insight. You have helped me more than you know.🤗
What has helped me is getting a domestic violence advocate. It was hard to admit to myself that domestic violence and manipulation is what I was going through.
So painfully true. The narcissist's entire community ghosted me immediately, even someone who is a well regarded and licensed therapist. The information you are sharing is helping me regain my sense of sanity. Thank you.
Ghosted. Great word for being and feeling absolutely invisible. It is like being a picture on the wall, painted by them, who is not me at all.
@@rosemarywhitehead438 I was re-written. It was as if nothing I lived and participated in had ever mattered. Just ponder the future mental consequences of that for me. Basically, game over.
@@lennie1703 absolutely my reality. I was re written and written off.
Thankfully we are not those monsters.
Pondering that future is very isolating , it's especially painful when you are injured then vilified then dismissed by those you sacrificed your life for and those who were supposed to have your back , instead back stabbed you.
God knows the truth of these Cain Judas types.
Horrid.
Me too.
@@Maverick4267 yes, yes thats it! Its the benefits. They will do anything for their approval. What the hell happened to integrity?
How come most of the therapist I've met never heard of narcissistic personality disorder why do they believe "it's all just different people, your just a naïve person" wish there were more doctors like Dr. Ramani she's really a blessing to us.
you have to find a therapist that works with personality disorders, not all therapists are the same, just like any other professional, if your plumber breaks your pipes you find another plumber.
@@Gee-xb7rt I'm from India and a PhD licensed doctors solution for this is do yoga put on a smiling face and move on. Nobody discuss it in depth and want to heal the scars or make a positive approach to life. I've even had doctors say "when you make more money this won't even matter".
You have to find a therapist with experience in trauma bonding, CPTSD, & narcissism.
@@wildrose2004, OMG! How awful! I'm so sorry!
@@wildrose2004 I think healing might be too strong a word, I have learned to cope with cptsd and avoidant personality disorder, but things still trigger trauma, like this pandemic and people in the US too entitled to wear a mask. Therapies are like Cogitative Behavioral Therapy, Desensitization, and Reprocessing. Talk therapy is really not good for people with trauma issues, it just keeps you living in the trauma, you definitely don't need to do that.
When I try to explain what is happening in my house, people don't get it. It's just too insane to imagine if you haven't dealt with it.
Because it's so irrational. They go "why would some one do that?" They're narcissists there's no why!!
It's like telling people your spouse is a werwolf.
I believed my friend about her husband. Many times she vented to me, but once he started zoning in on me everytime we hung out, she started gaslighting me and joining him in attacking my character and mocking me for being disturbed by his violent/aggressive behavior. I thought she'd get how upsetting his behavior can be, but in fact she excuses it and invalidated me. I was wrong for thinking she could empathize with me as I did for her. It breaks my heart that she is Team Narcissist even though he's been abusive and cruel to her, their kids, and even her own sister. Her identity is set. Even though he threatens to divorce her often and tries to intimidate her, she's very much on his team. I'm going to miss my friend, but I don't miss her scolding me for being "intolerant" and "not nice" in response to him cornering me and "jokingly" threatening me with a knife.
@@t.c.494 Dracula clothed as an angel.
@@FiercelyGold your friend has Stockholm Syndrome. You have feelings for your abuser as a coping strategy. And if the abuser feels 'loved' the abuse is less often & therefore more manageable for the victim. Thats why so many DV victims find it so hard to leave: they think they love their abuser.
Ok, I’ll share. When I finally figured out my ex was a (un-diagnosed) narc, I tried to convince others around me. It back fired big time. Almost everybody was so infatuated with her few people believed me and it made me look like I was the problem. Even my family. The only plus side was I learned who my friends really were. It did force me to look inward and discover a bit about myself and why I let someone treat me so badly. I don’t hate her bec@use she was just acting in a manner she had grown up with. Having said that it also made me rethink the kind of person I wanted to be with. Bottom line is if you lack empathy for others no matter how much you try to fake it you are not for me. Thanks for providing a space for me to vent.
Co-signed!
Some even stay silent because it's too exhausting to try and try and try to get people to understand. 13 years silent
Got yourself informed and call the narcissist out , again and again and wear them down...all you have got to lose is the narcissist...no loss there.
People don't understand the depth of hurt or psychological trauma one go through . Many of them say that if they are behaving like a kid ,you act maturely . I am too exhausted . Pain to be endured everyday ,with no solution
@J H my sibs can’t see it either. No one died, but I have mourned the death of a brother I never had, a mother that I did have until it was time to leave home, and a sister who has lost her soul to this. It’s a lot of grieving! And it is unlikely they will ever understand. 1 1/2 years no contact/gray rock.
Keep a journal.
Narcissists are so good at isolating you from everyone and everything you love. A close friend said: "well, I never saw him do any of the things you say". As you said, it's easier for some people to ignore it. Done with being a close friend there.
That reeeeally hard when it comes from family members
My BFF took my narcissistic husband’s side ( *even after* he admitted to having an inappropriate emotional affair with someone nearly our college daughter’s age!!!)
My heart broke twice. First because of my failing marriage and then realizing my best friend wasn’t really my best friend after all 😔
The hardest part to go through for me wasn’t realizing someone I was with for a decade didn’t actually love me ... but that the people around me that should have supported me didn’t even believe me and talk bad about me when I wasn’t around. That hurts to this day.
Exactly! They accused me of being an ingrate, since he was rich, charming and good looking. I lost my closest friend over it.
Your so called ‘friends‘ were fake like your ex. Be thankful to got rid of them. Don’t allow them to still have power over your feelings
@@l.e.169 Great advice!
Sorry to hear that. I'm going through some serious pain right now with a parent and also had a close friend that turned out to be one after we had a bad disagreement. I didn't know my parent was one until I learned the hard way my ex buddy was. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever had to deal with. And other friends around the same group heard from the narcissist first so I looked like the a hole of course. So God dam frustrating. Lost a lot of people in the whole thing, but I still have my dignity.
I hear you and believe you.
Have been experiencing abuse from a narcissist in the seniors home I reside in, your talks have been extremely helpful. At first I thought by exposing what she had been doing and still is, I mistakingly believed that if others could see and understand the gaslighting she was doing to me, it would help. But thanks to you, especially this latest podcast "how to point out a narcissist to other people " I realized better wait until she starts on someone else and then sypmpathize with them, because until they experience the same tre they will never believe. Thank you so much for helping me understand this.
My Mother in law, in the end when I told her everything he did to me, she said: “well, he gave you everything, and at least he never hit u did he?” That moment my heart dropped. I understood nobody would believe me or be on my side.
Wow, your MIL sounds like a narc herself! The "I never hit you, did I?" card and the "I've done so much for you!" card are always in the narc's deck waiting to be played as soon as you fall for their bait.
@@phalinimcleod8819 true. Now u saying that, it brings a lot of things to mind. Thank god I woke up. It’s been 6 years I’m free from them. 🥰
Glad you're out
I had the same response from my own grandmother who practically raised me when I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship where I was being cheated on. No wonder im so messed up 🙃
Guys, as someone who has had to deal with a narc, I must say that you should not be quick to dismiss what your support is saying. Yes, it is painful, but guess what? Physical abuse is the next thing that can happen. It's not as shared then as it is now, but narcissists weren't made yesterday. They were much more likely to get away with worse in decades past.
I just had a conversation with my Aunt yesterday, she asked where my husband was. I said we are no longer together, she was shocked and when i was talking to her about what me and my children had gone through the last 18 years, she seemed to not believe me. She said he was such a "nice guy" and "he couldn't be fake for that long", "there had to be some good times". I replied that you didn't live with him and the few times you have been with him at a function it was easy for him to "fake" it.
Exactly my experience 😔 now ALL of my family who live overseas and haven't spent much time with him are his flying monkeys 😢
Baki Gwaze but you know the truth, and how you were treated. They didn’t. The ones who know you the best will stand by you!
Cheryl Houlden So sorry you had to go through this. I’m going through a similar situation. Very few believe us as narcs are master manipulators. It’s truly unbelievable that these type of people exist.
He wasn't fake ! He was a man who sold his soul !
DISCERNMENT ! DENIAL IS OUR ENEMY !
It took 12 years of no contact with my mom until her family FINALLY asked why. I also had phone call recordings when I was only 12 of her saying she never wanted me, saying that I didn’t deserve her love, saying that it was my fault our family fell apart and she was better off without a constant reminder of my existence. These phone recordings really helped put it into perspective for others just how different she was in private versus in public. It wasn’t admissible court evidence for the custody battle that took place, but it was admissible for judgment from peers.
Oh so true I have emails from mine saying he was sorry for abusing me. I so want to send them yo his flying monkeys and then tell him I did to see him suffer the way he made me suffer.
I’m so sorry that’s what your Mother said. That must have been so hurtful at the time.
@@danielmulcahi6327 sorry for your experience. Just be aware that in someplaces are ilegal to share private conversations, so you can plan it carefully. ❤
Yes my mother told me and my brother that she told doctors to take me away she didn't want m
e she wanted a girl, between ages of ten and 12 years old.
My mom told a judge "I don't care where you put her, I never want to see her again. She's not coming in my car with me or to MY house with MY family." The whole courtroom turned around to look at her in shock. The judge told her "she's your daughter, you can't do that" and she said "I don't care. I'm getting in my car and she will not be in it." I was put in a shelter that day. It's truly heartbreaking and terrifying to hear your parents say things like this. Thank God we're stronger than them. I can tell by your comment that you are. We survived. That's the most important thing. From here we can go anywhere. For the narcs, they have life sentences of loneliness and misery. All I can say is, thank God we aren't them!
This is one of your best videos. Acceptance that you can't tell anyone, can't change anyone is paramount to my recovery and get on with MY LIFE.
COUNSELLORS who aren't aware and get sucked in, especially pastors or other "Chritians" can be very toxic and tell you exactly what you SHOULDNT do.
Street angels and home devils=narcissism.
The only people who ever 'got it' were people who had made experiences with narcissists themselves.
True!!!
Not always the case. Saw a video where thats 50% of the problem when victims still feel theyre in the abuse so they project it. Happened to me. Got in touch with a highschool friend who got out of a manipulative relationship and we seemingly clicked, but he ended up siding with my narc ex and helped him with his smear campaign. What a life
@@andjelavuckovic8103 maybe your friend was still gaslighting herself after the abuse and so sided with the abuser. What I mean is that people who have never experienced psychological or emotional abuse don't understand what's so bad about it. If you describe the instances they often look at you like you're making a big deal out of nothing. It is very hard to explain to people who never lived it and even then the abused people might still be damaged from that experience and react unexpectedly
Calling them out to others showed me who enablers are and gave me lots of perspective on that but also gave me my closets friends. I’ve had random conversations with complete strangers and I found myself connecting to so many women who KNOW.
Calling him out on being a narc was DANGEROUS! But in retrospect, I needed that to happen. I apparently needed things to get SO crazy that I ran out of excuses, Hope, trust- I had nothing left to lose so it was easier to leave. It was my metaphorical rock bottom.
Gloria Trevino I’m glad that you got out. I hope your life is peaceful now.
Gloria Trevino ❤️👏🏽
Yeah, the only thing calling it out seems to accomplish is showing you who are enablers and who might take you seriously and share their own incidents with that person. If you get a kind of "partner" in things, you can feel so much better and it helps validate what's going on and you both can help each other in the situation, even if it's only in small ways.
Jan M Not quite over but getting there- Aug 4. But it’s getting increasingly more peaceful.
BooDotBoo Yes! It almost seems narcissistic to say you need validation, but after so long of being INvalidated, it’s almost like the only thing you need to feel real- to feel human.
I basically live streamed his last tirade to his flying monkeys, it's been the quietest week in three years.
Wow!!!! How brilliant 🤭🔥🙏🏼
How did you conceal from him that you were recording him??!!
@@sckendall28 just audio
@@maryalicebrooks7224 did the same thing. Just audio, had my cell phone recording in my pocket. Played it for the therapist.
Good job! A little revenge is so sweet.
Perfect cherry on top 🍒
“You can’t train people out of their personality”
That hit home and gave me a lot of freedom to help in my healing. Forever grateful ❤
Only pure Truth and relating in it , with it, to it , can change the personality , It's something that happens when we yield to Christ , He changed me . ❤
I realize that when I try to let others know, they see it as "talking sh*t" even if they see it and agree. It puts them in a place where they have to defend the narcissist. Im learning how to let people learn on their own!
This happened to me a few months ago. I pointed out a gaslighter ( narcissist neighbor ) to an unsuspecting man. She played the victim role, which worked in her favor. The fool believed her and she got her way. Fortunately for me, she slipped up another time and was less successful playing another individual, and it ticked her off 😄. My narcissist sister has learned to play people and does it with a smile. She'll meet her karma one day. Don't think for one minute they always get by with it 😄
@@cassiebrown9786 but Karma is sooo,sloooow!
@@AedanGUnit it seems that way, but that's where patience is important. Sometimes we can return karma to work in our favor. I now expose these "evil people" for who and what they are. I used to sit back and allow them to humiliate me... No More. Just always be truthful and honest. Never lie and stoop to their level. Good ALWAYS wins over evil.
@Cassie Brown 100% - love that, so true, going through this bs right now, on going for several years. It’s horrible. These are Evil people.
Yes, agree with it. It's strange. I do believe that happens because there's lack of discernment, no intuition
When our family therapist suggested we get back together after 6 months of therapy, knowing he physically abused me, that was the last time we saw her.
I hope you reported her. I say that not even know if there's a way you can. 🤔
Should have asked that therapist to be the punching bag..,,
I had to go to court ordered Therapy after my parents divorce. My mom lied and said my dad touched me. When I told the therapist the truth and she favored my sister and physical and emotional abused me I got to live with my dad. I was 15. I did not speak to my mom and sister until my 1 child was born.
I never tried to point it out to others until we were divorcing. Then I started sharing with people that it was a dysfunctional and toxic relationship.
I’ve been considering starting a podcast to share my experiences. Not to bash anyone directly, but more so to story tell. Tell a real experience of gaslighting and how that progressed, experiences with enablers, etc as a way for women to hear it, connect, and maybe see themselves.
I’m also training in trauma informed yoga because I want to provide a safe place for women of domestic violence and covert domestic violence.
He loves credit and gold stars, so I’ll give him all the credit in the world for inspiring me to be a domestic violence advocate for women.
I would like to listen to your podcast. 🕊
I would also listen to your podcast!
Agreed - I'd listen, too.
Your last paragraph suggests you are not yet free of his influence. Get well and heal. You have the credit for pulling an independent life from the ashes. Good luck.
Do it!!
Ohmygoodness I will listen to your podcast as I endured this abuse for several years 💔😣 and unfortunately its ongoing because hes dad to my poor boys who are 9 and 11.. 🙏🏼💜🙏🏼 praying for the successful change, the most detachment possible from him. The boys are the ones who pray the most for this, its so sad. Its their daily prayer. They wish to never ever have to be forced to be w him. Sadly though, because this abuse is hard to prove AND our judicial system is so flawed :( the system ends up putting us survivors in oppression n we are forced to coexisting w these monsters. Its crazy. So sad. Scary. Hes a covert narcissist. Conceals it skillfully but is so ill intentioned in secret. 🙏🏼💜🙏🏼💜🙏🏼💜 Good luck to us all 💜💜💜
What an incredible woman. I have never heard anyone talk so clearly and down to earth. Thank you
It has NEVER worked for me! At least with family members. Turns out almost everyone in my family was some form of dysfunctional ie; enabler, codependent, denial or a monarchy themselves. On top of that, most of my life has been me ATTRACTING toxic people who I could not turn to either. Things are turning around and improved the last few years and I credit the TH-cam community. THANK YOU DR RAMANI ❤️
I totally can relate. If it's in your family, it can feel like you're completely surrounded by dysfunction, because you are. It's toxic and really difficult to not be seen as deserving the treatment. 'All these people couldn't be wrong!'
Are we like in the same boat? Toxic people galore everywhere in every work space.
My family- especially my Dad, my sister and the external family Dads sister, Dads brother: I knew nothing of the Narcissistic personality disorder (though I had been in so many toxic relationships that were with Narcissists) until I dated one and felt like I was actually going crazy- it was a clinical psychologist that diagnosed him (through my experiences & information) Since then my life has become a very different picture and I have also learned of schiziod personality disorder which is very SIMILAR to the Narcissists!!! I still struggle with boundaries and they have always been an issue as narcissists do not not respect them no matter how much you reinforce them- I love your channel Dr Ramani!!!! Thank you for all you do!!!!
OMG, yes, the entire family is so screwed up. The one thing they all have in common is being supremely self centred. Not one would ever contemplate charity work or doing anything for anyone other than themselves. I have finally stopped socialising with anybody so that's sorts out the attracting narcissists! :)
The thought that screams at me while watching this is that we need to stop focusing on the narcissist and start focusing on ourselves. Yes, it is helpful to recognize the patterns in the narcissists actions, but ultimately we need to focus on our own thoughts, actions, and words. We cannot control what others think, feel, do, or say, and that includes narcissists and others that we'd like to convince. We can only control ourselves.
Trying to control others is part of the crazymaking that is inherent in narcissistic relationships. The narcissists try to control others through lying, gaslighting, manipulation, etc. Codependents try to 'fix' the wounded. Etc. etc. etc. Trying to control others, even to convince a person that someone else is a narcissist is doomed to fail.
If I am going to heal from narcissistic abuse, I have to start with myself and let go of trying to control others.
BC, at first I started to get defensive reading your comment but then I realized it’s old defensive patterns on my part. Thank you for the reminder. 💪🏼💗
So right!
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I really appreciate your comment. I have similar reactivity to things, and I am also working on noticing those thoughts rather than mindlessly reacting to them. It continues to be a struggle, but it seems to be helping. This is part of being in control of our own thoughts, and it's far from natural. Best wishes. 😀
BC, agree 5000%
That is exactly the conclusion I came to and the moment when I began tp turn it from them, to ME.
Wise words Barry.
I had a friend warn me about sharing my garden space with a woman who had taken her for a narcissistic fun ride. I was so grateful and took her advice immediately, cancelled the arrangement and never heard from the narc. person again. I call that a win. I'm still on great terms with the friend who gave a timely warning. She was nervous to do it, and apologized in the midst of the explanation, but got the message to me loud and clear.
You are apparently pretty wise and humble enough to listen! Good for you.
Your friend saved your bacon. These users will run over you and think nothing of it.
Shelley you are wise, an average person isn't
That is awesome you were receptive to her. A true friend!
Cheers to you ~
You got off lightly because you listened and took evasive action. Well done!
Yes, abandonment and betrayal blindness needs to surface and be healed in this process. I was in denial, having disocciated from all the trauma (that began when I was 3) until a few years ago when all the memories surfaced. OMG.
What a journey.
I can't wait to see what the next chapter will bring with all the new knowing.
Thanks for your illuminating video.
Resignation is sanity. That's when you come to your senses. Narcissists are insane.
Agreed, the truth stared me in the face one day with the thought: 'nobody in their right mind would behave like this' and there lies the answer.
So glad to see these comments and these videos. I’m not alone. I love all of you.
insane is putting it mildly :)))))))
100% correct. They aren't even human!
@@jannlewandowski5540 they have a soul but their heart is absent!!
No one would truly believe my husband is a narcissist because he puts on this air of professionalism outside the home but then treats me like crap because I am disabled and have found it difficult to find work full time. I was also diagnosed with having PTSD and I am a military veteran. I am slowly making my way out of this suffocating marriage over 20 years. Thank you for your channel
It’s so strange how all the text audio video emails voicemails that I have still cannot convince people
he is one of the nicest people in public
now he’s looking at over 30 years in prison for what he did to me almost murdering me February 22 of this year, and no one believed me and I still have people who doubt me and he’s going to prison!
Sending you SO much love. 💞💞💞
@@merfraquel2623 It is a blessing for you and all of society that he is going to the citizens hotel for a good long retreat
What you experienced you can share in rooms like this where people DO comprehend what you have been through. These are the "family" you need to communicate with. Mostly empaths, we have a heart for you. Being in various stages of recovery there is much to learn from everyone, and everyone else can learn from you. Praying for you. BLESSINGS!
I hope you are in a safe and happier place now. 😔💔❤🩹
I also was treated like crap for not being able to work after having worked full time during my entire marriage because I had to study full time to learn the language of the new country we have moved in. He was the one who initiated this idea of moving And then hated me because he/we couldn't get the results that he wanted fast enough.
Thank you for your service. You don't deserve this.
My boss told me my soon to be ex husband was a narcissist and it was like yessssss finally someone sees it and I'm not crazy.
Yes! A "success" storey! 😊 My soon to be ex husband's family, fortunately, see him for what he is too. They don't actually use the word "narcissist", but they know how mean, selfish, and abusive he is from their own experience with him. I feel somewhat blessed for that, even though I've had to go "no contact" with them too, but yes, it makes you feel like you've had that "Thank the Lord!" moment knowing you're NOT crazy!!! 🙂
How do you tell someone else about a narc? You can only warn someone that someone else is a narc if they have personally experienced being narcissistic supply & are on the path to realizing that fact. My son successfully called out my NM to me. He had seen me distance myself from her for years, knowing that both of us recognized she was toxic. He just took me a step farther along a path I was already on.
In other words, to warn someone else about a narc ask them about a situation they were in that required them to step back. If they are already in the mode of watchfulness and awareness, it will be easier to point out toxicity to them. ("Narcissist" is too loaded of a word for most people at least at the beginning of a conversation.)
On the other hand, if they deny ever being in such a situation, they probably aren't ready to hear a warning. Instead, talk about the general concept of self-protection this time. Later they might be able to hear more specifics.
My husband actually noticed my SIL’s behavior toward me by congratulating me on ignoring all of the baiting and barbs she shot at me while they were visiting us. He told me I deserved a medal. My reaction was, “Someone noticed!”
He told me it was easy for him because she reminded him so much of his ex wife.
Good luck with separation, stay strong.
Thank you so much Dr. Romani. God bless you. I recently left my narcissist husband after 23 years together. My body and mind just couldn't take it anymore.
Everyone: THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CALL OUT A NARCISSIST. DON’T EVEN TRY
Me: *body cameras are a wonderful thing*
So are screenshots of text messages ☺️
And small voice recorders.
Thought a bout it too... 👏😂
Also saving text messages is good to do, even only for yourself
I'm glad we're thinking along the same line. These days it isn't that hard to get the goods on these monsters.
Nobody believes you unless they have experienced narcissistic abuse themselves. Whenever I tried to confide in others, they’d just say I’m overreacting and being hypersensitive. Nobody could see the truth behind my ex’s fake persona. On the surface, we seemed like a pretty normal family because we had been conditioned to behave accordingly. No toxicity was visible outside the walls of our home. Now that he’s playing dirty in the divorce negotiations after the brutal discard, people are beginning to see his true colours.
Alot of people feel challenged by critisizing or attacking matters or issues outside of their own control. Failing to recognize who is passively/actively controlling them in every relationships. Many narcissists might fail to make any recognition in regards to self account.
It's good for you that the cat is starting to be seen outside of the bag... 🙏
People don't like other people telling them or warning them about other narcs. They need to see the proof in the pudding for themselves!
@@classyteacherdiva the gentleman's bluff, 'I'll leave that to your own interpretation.'
there needs to be a secret code word that survivors can use to identify other survivors, so we can talk to more people that understand.
"There are folks who experienced Narcissistic abuse in their adulthood ,got hurt and then only starting recognising Narcissistic patterns in their families " - FACT (I m one of thm folks )
I had it in my family but didn't recognise it until my partner at the time also saw what I was saying all along. That's when I knew I had been gaslighted for so long I began to believe that maybe I was wrong. When in actuality, I was made to be someone I wasn't. I was the scapegoat in my family. My mother (narc) kicked me out my house for dominance and control, thinking I wouldn't have anywhere to go and I'd come back begging her. I went and found my father and now live with him. She always tried to hurt me and demean me, ruined every opportunity I had. Smear campaigned every chance she got. It got a lot worse though when she realised she was starting to lose her control over me. That's when she started spreading lies to people about my character.
@SiyaSharma: Spot ON
@@ashyh6202 Sis ,stay strong ,we got through that and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger ,so what if our biological failed as parents ,we are here for each other ,not connected by blood but def connected by pain
👍👍👍. Once I took the plunge, and left, my mother started to do EXACTLY the SAME thing..... They've ALL slipped on their bums though....NO Family contact at ALL...But, I NOW have friends, and Good company....😂🤣😂🤣👍
My aunt and my mom are both narcissists. My mom didnt realize shes a narcissist until my aunt started abusing her using her own tactics. I feel horrible that she had to go thru that, but part of me is eternally grateful that she realized she did similar things to me and my sisters and started seeking treatment
You are so right about workplace narcissists and sticking to the facts. I have done it. It worked.
Spot on. When I finally set boundaries with my narcissistic mother, the entire family turned on and vilified me. Trying to explain myself only made it worse. Then her smear campaign put the cherry on top. I wish I had a dollar for every time I was guilted with, "But she's your mother!" or "She's an old woman!" I cut all ties with my entire family, moving to the other side of the country, and have never been happier or had more peace.
Proud of you!!!💖
I did the same for the same reason -- GOOD JOB
We both have BIG BALL to have the courage to do this -- IT"S WORTH IT
@@BoysVideoo It really is worth it. I wish I had done it years earlier. Would have saved myself a lot of trouble and heartache. Narcissists don’t change. Our only choice is whether to put up with it, or not.
Good for you. You deserve people who treat you with respect that you deserve. They will not change.
I say it like it is. I don’t care if it backfires on me. At least I exposed who he really is. I’m not staying silent.
You're onto something here. Abuse feeds on secrecy and lies. Speak your truth and rest better no matter the outcome unless you might end up in front of a firing squad or fed to a pool of pet crocodiles. the true narcissists can be very dangerous, clever and devious.
Go with proof only
I was in a clinical depression for 15 years, hospitalized 8 times for suicidal ideations, had therapists galore and not one ever mentioned NPA. My mother was a convert narc and my husband was a grandiose/neglectful narcissist. Thank God I stumbled upon Dr. Ramani. I have been in a good place since my relationship ended over 5 years ago, and now I understand what hell I was in for most of my life.
I realized that people and psychologist disbelief in my childhood stories is like another trauma onto me. But I needed to talk, to express it out so I join a group where everyone can share their experience and the others just validate it. The first "I believe you" comment I get made me cry ....such a relief. You can imagine 120 "I believe you" later I am like reborn. I believe in your stories, I know you are not over sensitive, I know you don't overreact and these are not fantasies.
This was excellent information. “Give the narcissist the space they need to hurt other people” has been the story of my past year. Fight the urge to prove yourself right, friends - it will all come out in the wash in the end. By distancing yourself from the situation, you a) give yourself the space to work on aspects of yourself that you have been neglecting because of the time consuming nature of narcissist relationships and b) put a stop to the vicarious energy drain that results from being around narcissistic enablers who aren’t quite hip to the game yet. Even if it feels uncomfortable not to speak your truth, focus on developing a good internal compass and trusting your intuition, which will serve you well for life.
80islandia, you've said it right!!! 😱😎💕💞👋 After I have begun to IGNORE narcs when they provoke me, I have found peace. If other people do not want to hear my truth, I will not force them to do so.
I encourage myself to learn new things and get distracted. I remove myself from the situation.
It doesn't all come out in the wash...I have lost my children forever.
Well said. Remember we all need to put on our oxygen masks first before aiding others. ;) Save yourself. Be there to validate the next victim.
If you try to point out what the narc is doing,you do end up being the one not being believed . I've watched the gaslighting of three people and there is nothing I can do. Two have become withdrawn ,solitary ,no friends,no life. It's awful. The other one fought back and was outed .
Learning to preserve my own life force energy has been the greatest gift I got from being in a toxic narcissistic relationship. Don’t waste another moment of breath on them...
I did it. Here's how: I was very very cautious. I did not speak in an accusing manner. I just talked about my own feelings caused by the behaviour of the narc. I described the typical narc behaviours without using accusing words or terms related to narcs, like gaslighting. Instead I described the feeling I got when I was gaslighted (I never mentioned the gaslighting, just my feelings). I also used my psychological knowlegde of narcissism to explain the psycholoical needs and insecurities of the narc and spoke about them with lots of empathy. I found that the person I spoke to, recognized and affirmed everything I said, without even knowing I was talking about narcissism. It made them aware of the behaviours, but be sure never to use any term or word that can be linked to narcissism. I must say, it's like walking in a minefield, but I did manage to make a flying monkey aware that he was being manipulated by a narc. Although he probably still would not identify the narc as such, he is very aware of the psychological dynamics and behaviours and is not falling for the manipulations and trickery anymore.
The flying monkey was my dad, the narc was my sister. But I have to admit, it only hit home for him, because he was married to a narc (my mother) and recognized the feelings I described.
I was waiting for this comment.
A year ago I did the same things to covince my friend that her partner “wasn’t good for her” (He is a typical narcissist) I called every feeling she might have, every behaviour he might and have done, also what he might be feeling that induces his behaviour, what she feel when she accept such behaviours. But never called the word and she still think about what I said to this day.
Sadly, she is still with him. But I think I opened up a door for her to trust and believe in herself more, to not be afraid to question the situation she found herself in and to not believe everything that he says.
I see some changes in her but I really hope that one day she will completely see it and run for her life.
Thank you both for the comments. I am in the middle of that process. I have been very careful of everything I say about him to anyone. Unfortunately, even though I predicted his behaviors and carefully explained them to select people who could make a difference, they dismissed me or accused me of causing it. I had plenty of proof that I wasn’t involved- the flying monkeys circled anyway. It’s disheartening to realize from videos like this, that there doesn’t seem like much can be done to stop their abuse of everyone around them. At the least, I wish there was a way to stop his abuse of his children.
I did about the same thing.you have to explain..to whom your talking with what a narcissist is...you yourself must be trustworthy....that's why it's pay to be honest.all the time ..I always tell the truth..who I talked with knows me and can trust what I say to be true.....👍.they will drive you insane...make you look crazy for being so pissed off...relax enjoy it make it a game... control yourself..
No one other then you can control you.your emotions..find people who trust you..they will listen...
My ex is a narcissist ..that's why she is my ex wife......took 25 year's to realize...it hurt like hell ..still to this day .13 years later.....it still hurts like hell......
@@jaimejanus7745 you can do it ...take ur time.....I wish you the best...if you need someone to listen..601-522-6352. Don...maybe I can help .....I have exposing one my narcissist neighbor......be well...
"Flying Monkeys" >>> thank you for the visual Dr. Ramani. I've been ganged up against by two brothers and both parents my whole life. After two rounds with cancer, I am learning a ton from you to protect my health. Thank you.
:( sorry
There is not much room in the narcissists heart for sympathy or affirmation to being at fault. I trust this all stacks up for who is actually better or good for you Kim. 🙏
Sorry about your cancer. I've gone through that and my brother said that " I need to improve on myself ". I guess getting cancer was my fault 😔. God Bless you Kim. I hope you're healthy now.
very sorry .trust n love urself . take care .
Yes, cancer. After 20 years of marriage to a narc and stage IV cancer I got out. Now I'm cancer free and happy. We did it!
"Easier for people to be blind then to open their eyes" I understood this as a child and and eventually it turned into a general hatred of people.