Yes, I dont miss the pins n needles feeling, anticipation of the Narc returning home from being with one of his supplies. Walking through the door to ignore my presence all while he fuels himself by thinking I am not aware of his doings and disguarding me like I'm worthless.
There's something called ltl living together loneliness I had that most of my life too. Some words I learned in different ways but often I had different books not the books I have now. Each man kind of wanted me to lose my goals or drop them in order to aide them but as I noticed I had a longer living on my own experience and that was terribly lonely.
I can relate. I've been "alone" since BEFORE the 'I don't 18 years ago. But I too feel most alone when I am with him. It's so horrible and hurts so deeply. I am one of those people that never meets a stranger --- yet at home I am a stranger... paradoxical? Yes! So why not go on to be alone while I am physically alone. Money is my issue to overcome now. But I believe I can do it! Perhaps that is the first step......
You are pretty much on your own when you are in a relationship where you are constantly invalidated, gaslighted, belittled and not respected. Therefore, being alone with yourself MINUS the poor treatment by a partner really is an improvement. Thanks for your great videos and books, Dr Ramani!
If you don’t want to be alone after a break up with a narcissist, consider getting a pet! My ex-narcissist hates dogs (which should have been my first clue) and I put off having one for him. Within a month after this most recent (and final) break up, I rescued my sweet Boomer. He was abandoned and has high anxiety...so we’re fixing each other. It is the purest and most selfless love I have ever known. We don’t deserve animals.
Yes yes yes. I have 6 poodles and they love me without all the sick games I lived with for so long. I love them and this is a great life. I have always really loved dogs. My soon to be ex hates pets. What the hell was I thinking. If I get involved with someone ever again they will be a dog lover. Period.
I just cut off 3 sisters who never respected my no. I finally realized that once I stopped trusting in THEM and put my trust in God, I would be better off in every way. One sister told me not to get a pet til 6 mo after my surgery. I instantly said no to her. She was upset. I got my beautiful Millie sept 20, 2020. 6 months would be Dec. Recently she was at my house ( I was so anxious bcuz she had insulted me 2 weeks before and never apologized. I’d called her on it. So I waited to invite her for coffee and she criticized Millie. I called her on it and once agIn no apology. I cried and boo hooed loudly after I cut them off. The anxiety is far less. And my beautiful Millie crawls up and puts her head on my chest or lap and snuggles. I love my little family member.
Mine disliked my dog. He was jealous of my furry guy. Said someone told him never to date a woman with pets, really?! So now he's gone (not the dog)and I got 2 kittens!! Now 1 dog and 3 cats !! Happiness.
This should've been my first sign. He liked my cat when we were dating but when I decided to move to Germany for the relationship things changed. I didn't bring my cat. I gave her away. :( Shit, I haven't thought about this in a long time. I gave my cat away and came to Germany. :'( Sorry Zoey, you deserved better than that.
Oh yeah...like you aren't enough! Bullsh*t.... wish I'd focused on myself.. narc fam all about respectable job relationship kids... me!! I didn't matter... wish I'd lived my own life... 🙋
Being alone how will I be able to raise my two children. There is no way I can do it alone. No one will want me. Dr.Ramani red flags surrounded me yet I took the plunge. Today’s message was my life for 48 years. Then one day death took my husband. I had no emotion either way. He took that too. Today I am so different. I am confident out going enjoying life to the fullest. You help to put things to rest and restore in me a new person. Thank you for loving this community
The "flip side" of this discussion is the fact if you have been in a long term Narc relationship, you have likely been "alone" for quite a while. The Narc will have "thrown" that "aloneness" at you many times over the relationship; i.e."you will be a lonely old person (without me)". If you look at the situation in a rational, logical frame of mind (yes, that's difficult), YOU have been alone for a while, and you are likely much better at dealing with it than the Narc. Narcs cannot tolerate being alone! That's why you will be replaced fairly quickly once you leave...after the Narc does their best to destroy your reputation. Just stick to the plan and get support.
The abuse has long term effects, I never stood up for myself for a long time. If people in the room disrespected me I wouldn't say anything or do anything at all. I was always honestly afraid it felt like everyone always had me by the throat.
Sometimes we stay because we love that cruel known narcissist rather than find an unknown partner. Its a miserable lonely feeling, they aren't available when we need them,when we are emotionally low,when our health is upset,when we are happy,when we want love.Its a strange loneliness sucking feeling.
Well said re ' ... they aren't available when we need them, when we are emotionally low, when our health is upset, when we are happy, when we want love'.
Just spent the last year and a half with myself. Going on dates with myself.. restaurants, festivals, going out dancing.. doing all the things my ex (and my father) wouldnt do with me. It was really fun! A bit lonely. But then when this pandemic came it felt like overkill. I was ready to get back out there and take chances.. be brave with others. Patience I suppose. 😊🙏
We got this. Try to be gentle and positive with yourself. Healthy love is out there.. but we need healthy boundaries. "I only surrender to true love." 🧡🙏
When you unfriend your ex and he sends you this text: “I had a great long weekend thanks, kayaking and partying with (insert latest woman being love-bombed’s name) and friends. It’s also a shame that you unfriended me, but that was your choice and there’s no going back once it’s done.”. Left thinking. Hello! I did it for a reason! Enjoy your new life! 😂 These video’s have helped me greatly. I have had to fully debrief and see things for how they were: unstable, fake, unkind and loveless. When we met, I was 26, successful, vibrant and happy. When we divorced, I was 46, almost destroyed, and had taken on his angry and defensive traits. It wasn’t me. I am so, so relieved to be free.
I was 52 when I divorced. It’s as if the life is drained from me and I no longer have the energy or desire to get out and try to break into a group. I enjoy being at home alone. I am glad to be free from the prison in which I lived.
Mine did the same thing, only he texted and called me from Jamaica! Yup, this new woman (one of many) paid $8,000 for a trip for them 3 months after meeting him! Couldn’t help but laugh to myself cause the day he got back, guess who came banging on my door drunk and a blubbering mess telling me just “can’t” let me go I was the love of his life (Lmao...please!). I feel sorry for his newest victim. I tried to warn her a few weeks back with proof and screenshots of our relationship the last almost 3 years. Of course, he told her I was a psycho stalker. And she believed him. For now, at least. She and every other woman will learn...I blocked them all and I have finally found peace in my life again. Just my son and I, in our beautiful little home! I felt the same peace I felt after my divorce from my ex husband (also a narcissist). Happy healing!
When you feel alone, try meditating or going for a walk in nature. You may feel alone because you have been conditioned by the narcissist to neglect yourself. It may feel as though you no longer have your own company. People can feel lonely even in a room full of people, because they have taken the focus off themselves.
she's right, if you can manage it, find a way to live alone and away from your narcassists. It is hard but so rewarding at the end. It took me 3-4 months of ups and downs but i kept slowly getting stronger. Even now I still find myself walking around saying affirmations in my head that I never got to hear from others. But I needed that time to break down and create new habits, new thoughts, and really continue to try to source my happiness from within myself even when I didnt understand how to do it. Quarentine and covid has been such a blessing in this way. It has provided me ample time, ability, and reason to isolate myself, die and rebirth without interference or question.
Yes, i was very afraid of being alone, that was the reason i gave my ex-husband so many Chances, i now have been single for about 3 years and i am doing so much better. Offcourse i would love to have a Partner but he has to be very, very special and beautifull inside and iff i do not meet this Person i am very ok with being alone. Love from Switzerland
I've witnessed people's fear of being alone that so often gets them stuck in abusive relationships. ...I have experienced 'single shaming; many times, and used to wonder if something was wrong with me.... Thank You Dr Ramani for the brilliant wisdom you share!
@@Oceans780 TRUE!!!! The Flying monkey/ enabling doormat of my ex narc friend tried to single-shame me on the sly in an attempt to make me jealous of her toxic relationship and chip away at my contentment of my singleness.
When I left my narcissist, the Solitude and silence was deafening an overwhelming. I highly recommend immediately joining a gym, a charity group that you feel passionate about to re-identify where your feelings come from immediately. Then Journal about these new activities to create a new Consciousness about who you are. This will crowd out the old narcissist and the negative Talk programming.
Juz watchin this and I realised narcissists have ultimate fear of being alone. They constantly need people for validation thus have a string of lovers and keeping in touch with ex-s from 5-8 years ago.
Took me a very long time to figure out being alone doesn't mean im lonely in fack id rather be alone then to endure a life time of abuse and im danm good company 🙂
I was NEVER more alone than when I was with the narcissist (and, sadly, did not realize it until after I left and healed). Now that I am alone (thank goodness), my life is full of family, friends, associates, mentees, my rescue dog and meaningful work (list not exhaustive). Just two days ago, a male friend from middle school/high school/college emailed me out of the blue (haven't spoken in decades), and we talked for seven hours on the phone. It was so delightful. And we've decided to continue the relationship. I turn 60 this year, and it's wonderful to look back and see the memories I have created with people over the decades. The narcissist plays for Team Irrelevant. The 23.5 years I spent with the narcissist do not define me, but they did enlighten me.
Fear of being alone kept me with unhealthy people for years. Finally having had enough I decided it was time to try. Now I LOVE being alone!! It's the greatest gift of my recovery, the ability to enjoy my own company and not need anyone else. I am happier now than I've ever been and I am alone! Alone but NOT lonely.
My mother used the fear of being alone as a tool when I was a child. It was easy for me to believe down to the core of my being because I had already watched my father leave. I was broken, scared, I was a child. I learned to adore my mother so I would never be alone. Fast forward today through MANY trials and tribulations I am no longer afraid of being alone. I’m never alone, I have God in my life. My mother and I have an extremely distant relationship today. There is freedom on the other side of fear. Being alone is not bad, loneliness is a state of mind. Everybody deserves to be free. Coincidence,today is my mother’s bday and this video really struck a cord with me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
My narcissistic abuser died unexpectedly last year and before this event, I had the fear of being alone stemming from an abusive lonely childhood. Now, I am loving being "alone" . Just the thought of being back in an abusive relationship gives me the chills!!! I have made such valuable friendships, which would NEVER of happened if I was still with him. Discovering yourself for the first time is an amazing journey!! 💥😎💥
Most narcs end up truly alone in the end. I felt an instant sense of relief after leaving him, I didn’t feel physically sick anymore every day... if that isn’t a sign, idk what is.
Child of Christ I don’t have Instagram or Facebook. Social media makes it easy for narcs to see what you’re up to 😉 which I’m sure he’d be doing, if he could.
They're never anything other than alone. How can you have friends, if you cannot be a friend? How can there be other if there is so little self? How can that which is no one, truly feel loved by anyone? Say nothing of feeling love for another. No matter what, they're living looking through a wall of glass. Alone with others. Hence why you said "truly alone" I guess. Indeed.
Also, I realized when everything was okay, in it, I felt still alone. Atleast being out of the relationship I feel alone here and there but it isn’t so bad. It gets better and I realized I seriously have tons of friends before and even now. It isn’t bad being alone. Another note is before the Toxic Relationship, I was actually pretty happy for the most part. The deep loneliness came when I met him. Although there were happy moments with him and I learned a lot from him and from that Toxic Relationship... it doesn’t beat the feeling of peaceful freedom. There are hard days.. but you get through it and you look back at the strength you actually have all along.
I'm experiencing this now, I'm constantly afraid that I will never find anyone and neither be able to trust them after what I've been through. It's very hard and scary. And then I do believe in real love for others, but I want to experience it myself one day too.
This was so needed today. Sometimes I go back and forth in my mind about this very thing. Should I settle just to have a sense of belonging to something and being someone’s wife? Or, face being alone without help? I don’t want much I only want respect and to feel equal and feel like I’m loved unconditionally. The same things I offer in a relationship. I don’t want to settle just for outer appearance but deep inside I’m really not happy because I’m not being treated well. It really feels like suffering but, I’d rather go through this temporarily versus staying in something with someone who just doesn’t care for me the way I need them to.
don't settle! you're worth more than that, you deserve to be treated well, I know what being treated poorly is like, it sucks, it undermines your mental health completely, get out, you WILL make it
Tomeka Montegue the worst thing about lowering your standards is that the other person usually will not believe you after you tell them that you did ,so don’t lower your standards
Yes, I have been through it all. Out of the control and the gaslighting, I can't even pick which one was worse. My narc told me he is the best man in the world, and I would never find anyone better than him but I did. The most wonderful man in the world to me did find me and you're right, the difference between the relationships is polar opposite. I am grateful for finding true love.😃💞🙏
My narcissistic relationships sabotaged a lot of things including my passion for music, and as a young adult I adopted a mindset (I guess came from narcissistic and cultural shame and fear) saying: “You just don’t go to a concert, event, movie or restaurant alone ”. So, I didn't go anywhere to follow my bliss. Finally, at the age of 42 (only 6 years ago), I somehow decided to go to a big rock concert by myself. It is the best thing I’ve ever done! After that, I’ve travelled alone and been to many concerts, movies and restaurants alone and the mastery, freedom and joy I experience is just amazing. I was encouraged by the book “Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. Right now, I’m reading “Should I stay or Should I go?” by Dr. Ramani - both are fantastic books written by two great women!
I love this. I am debating whether to do a solo motorcycle trip down south from New England and back up. I have done solo rides before and have moved cross country twice by myself... but this feels different now that I am in radical narc abuse recovery. I am so glad you shared about doing so much alone.
Like you, I never went to concerts, shows etc… Now that I am older and have left these narcissistic relationships, I’ve gone out on my own to so many concerts, shows and gallery exhibitions and in the process met lots of new people who share my love of music and art. It’s great.
I am surrounded by narcissists. I don't know if I would recognize a "normal, healthy relationship" if it bit me on the behind... Much of my life with these family members is spent SMH. Thanks to your advice and a couple of other therapist channels that I subscribe to, I may make it out of this alive!
Ive always felt lonely, even as a child, but after going through the narcissist journey, the person I was so very scared too be with was myself especially after bereavement, since researching myself ive took to healing abandonment issues from childhood, ive started too love myself for the first time in my life, i dont need anyone to love me ,i enjoy being me the woman/person i was never allowed to be, this is my time, my time is precious, meditation, hill walking, but most of all travelling has helped, better too be with myself then being with someone that doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to have you, no one will will ever hold my happiness in their hands, my happiness is mines i deserve happiness i put in the work for the best version of myself ,so very happy being with me, as human beings we put so much effort into other people's lives and not enough into our lives that don't deserve us .
It’s so important to take stock and be so grateful every single day to finally be out of a relationship with a narcissist. Your brain tends to delete such severe, malignant trauma but I always remember the horror my life was for 15 years. I’m just so grateful I finally have peace and calm in my life. My home is full of love and respect and I appreciate it every single day.
I have put up with so much of abuse from my family because they were family. When I cut off from my narcissistic family, i was relieved but it brought to light that I have always been alone from childhood. I understand now from where my fear of being alone, comes. I am amazed at the abuse that I put up with. Today, memories of my childhood fill me with so much sadness. Information about narcissism and narcissistic families must be part of the school curriculum. Children should be protected from parents who are monsters.
We're such creatures of habit and will do anything not to feel alone. I had to ask myself the question: would you rather feel alone or would you rather feel the reality of being unloved? I chose alone.
If someone chastises, makes fun of, or insults you for being "alone", "lonely", "a loner" or "not having friends" they are indeed cruel narcissists! They are certainly not the kind of people you should desire to be around--at all--in the first place! They will ALWAYS think of you as being pathetic and needy and that they are actually doing you some kind of godly favor by simply being in your life!
I get you. I get bouts of depression which is worse now with the pandemic. When I first left the narc the lonely feeling was pathological. We’re really not meant to be alone. I still have hope that someone will come along one day.
Im just pissed that my time was wasted, that my life was ruined and that it will never be the same. I dont want to be here anymore. I know when to lay down a losing hand.
I felt a sense of security having him around. I'd be excited to see him, but then reality would set in at times. Yes, we would argue. There were good times, too. I think that's also why I held on for so long.
I went from fear of being alone to being alone. I was abandoned at age 62. I think it is going to take a while before I don't feel alone living alone. Covid is creating a lot of obstacles.
@@laurabrown539 Laura, How are you managing? Is it getting any easier? I have been divorced for a year. It feels as if the whole world is going through a narcissistic discard as a global unit, and we have NO IDEA how to do this. Carrie
When I was raising my son I always felt I was not good enough. I felt overwhelmed and unable to raise him alone. This resulted in many bad dates and a couple of bad relationships. I still cry thinking back about the bad choices I made. If only... Now I am living on my own for over a year. I do sometimes feel lonely, but most of the time I am just alone and free to choose if I want to meet someone or not. As soon as I realize that I dont feel lonely anymore. I know it felt much worse feeling lonely within the relationships than now. When I think about eating alone and it does not appeal to me I think about inviting someone, or I make something extra special for myself knowing I wont get anyone complaining that its not what they want. Going to a party alone is not always nice, but atleast I can set my own times (preparing, ariving and leaving) if I am having fun I can stay as long as I want, or if I am not enjoying it I can leave whenever. I am also discovering what things I really want and dont want. Its not always easy, ofcourse not, but I learn so many things now. This freedom is so new and so relax that I honnestly never want to go back into a relationship like that ever again.
I think another big pattern in narcissistic relationships is losing your voice and sense of self. Especially when growing up in a narcissistic household. You learn that just being yourself isn’t enough and that you have to do what your narcissistic parents want to get the attention you crave as a child. Causing you to get so used to listening to others needs, that when you try to make big decisions and choices for yourself. It’s hard to answer the question of who YOU are. @DoctorRamani
I divorced my narcissist husband after 25 years and was so relieved to be away from him- but being alone was shockingly hard - I could not stay in my house- I found all kinds of reasons to 'help my parents' with things, and work extra hours- after 3 years he started pursuing me and I got back together with him even tho my gut was saying no no no. I didn't understand why I was getting back together with him - but I couldn't tell him no. But at that time I didn't have a diagnosis for what was going on with him - AND even tho I had realized early in my 20's that I was co-dependent, I guess I thought I had cured myself of that by realizing it and reading a book about it! So it was the perfect disaster and here I am now 40 years in and feeling very sad and unhappy. But Doctor Ramani and others on this site are teaching me so much - I am so grateful! Thankyou!
Dr.Ramani explains it so profoundly . Being alone for a person who got in his childhood the role of scapegoat , loneliness brings with it the sense of being neglected, abandoned , rejected by you parents . in addition to the being alone is the learned stigma of being unwanted , rejected unloved . What give so somber meaning to physical alone, the bitter , painful memory of unwanted .
Thank you Dr. Ramani for answering the questions and fears I play in my head daily. Your videos have been a Key element to give me the courage to break through out of a 21 year unhealthy marriage. 🙏🏼😇
I'm my mother's youngest child. My father died when I was much younger. My mom has literally consistently reminded me that my siblings arent people I can rely on. She reminds me of how alone I am. It's really terrible.
She's awful and will worsen, you know complaining about being a victim is their favorite tune, (idk why but I've always found it a tad pathetic when parents demand support from their kids, mine are 24 & 22 and I simply ask them to take good care of themselves, not to stress for their parents, their very good care of themselves is the best way to take care of us, kids can be such a worry and mature parents know their children are the best ones to fix their situations).
This seems to be a very very popular example of gaslighting, when you look around all the comments on here! Happened to me as well, and as soon as he was out of my life, I finally had space for friends and other relationships, and they came along almost by themselves. And none of them thought they were"putting up with me"!
He often told me (with contempt in his voice) that I would never make it without him. One day I realized that I already was making it without him. It was never a real relationship in the first place. I told myself a lot of lies about what it was, but he has been MIA since the beginning. I didn't realize how his other actions were part of making this part come true; all the sabotage of my job and schooling, diminishing my contributions to "our" life. He was great at reminding me that it was "our" posessions. ( I called it "throwing me a bone") But "ours" was more like he was the only "1" and I was the "0" and together this made him bigger and better. But you really do have to have a zero to make that work. It was so discouraging. I made it anyway. But what a painful journey.
@Sketcher I've always been self-reliant despite having a very narcissistic parent. I thought marriage would be different and I could put my past behind me. Little did I realize that it would be a different twist on the old game. I became the wife I imagined my mother should have been, not realizing it would never matter who I was. I didn't exist as a partner. It took many years to understand psychological and emotional abuse. He didn't hide it in the beginning of the marriage, but did later.
@Sketcher Thank you. I suspect I will find it. I just find it validating that even in the midst of the mind screws, I still knew it wasn't right, even if I didn't have a name for it. I'm finding a resilience that is comforting.
I used to be fearful of being alone and sometimes would get so down that I randomly feel like crying while eating alone. Thankfully,I met an exercise group and a mentor so the feelings are different now.Its ok to be alone if you are free to choose who you contact and when to do so.
I told him I wanted a divorce one year ago, he moved out in September and divorce in December. I was so happy to finally find peace, I never felt lonely. But one year later, I am starting to wish I could meet someone, but as you said, I dont trust my own judgment anymore. I had been so dissolutioned for so long. I was a strong, independent young woman when I met my husband. That was 30 years ago, I feel like he broke me and I lost myself a long time ago. Also i am angry, I gave him the best years of my life and he gave shit. I turn 50 in days and it is disheartening to know I may be alone for the rest of my life but I never want to go back to that toxic mess.
I'm in the same situation! I'll be 50this year too and my narc husband actually assaulted me on Easter and was mad the hospital made me get a PFA. He filed for divorce but never gave me the paperwork so I'm stuck in limbo. I also found out he LIED to me about sooo much . I don't want to be alone and I miss the NICE man I met before his mask fell off and the rage was directed at me. I still cry and actually have broken no contact and he never responds. His aunt says he hates me for the PFA. I am really struggling w depression and anxiety and the dread of living alone the rest of my life because the grief and shock is awful. Everyone here seems so well adjusted and better after leaving the narc. I cry every day for 17 weeks now. I am an empty she'll lost in this world now. I have done things alone and see happy couples and that makes me sad. Thank God I have a dog. How do you ever trust again?? I just don't see it as possible after what I've experienced.
@@pepercamcleaningllc505 It takes time, it is a difficult journey, get the help, counseling support you need. You deserve to be safe and away from someone causing you pain and fear. You have experienced severe trauma, it takes time to heal. In Time you will be thankful you are away from the abuse. Wishing you the Best.
@@pepercamcleaningllc505 have you seen a counselor? even if you can only go once or twice it is helpful. I could only pay for a coupleof sessions and had to stop but it was still so helpful. That NICE man you miss was never real. It was a role he played to get what he wanted. That was hard for me to accept as well. I kept thinking if I could fix everything we could get back to that early happy time. Once the lightbulb went off and I realized that happy time wasn't real, it was all theater and therefore it could never come back. That made it so much easier.
It’s easier for some people to leave a narcissist. They might have better social networks, more family to lean on or better friends. When you are left literally alone after the discard it is earth shattering
I was alone for at least a decade, and I "finally" found my soulmate (narcissist). When she discarded me, I had gotten used to being with someone, and really missed her...but months after the discard, I'm able to get back to my self, and heal. It's difficult, but we all need to look within, and heal.
Dealing with my narcissistic mother always filled me with fear I'd lose my large extended family who often told me how lucky I was to have her as a mom. The series about generational narcissism really hit home for me. Sometimes what looms larger than my fear of being alone, is my fear of letting people too close to me. I have a hard time trusting that people will actually be there for me or care for me genuinely without strings. I'm so used to being gaslighted and minimized while told how ungrateful I am that kindness sometimes feels false. I wish for more closeness with people but the legacy of conditional love makes it difficult to trust people.
what has helped me is immediately whisper or walk to another room and say out loud - it's important to voice it - but call it what it is. Ex. "That was projection, that is their problem, that's not mine to bear" or " I don't recieve that lie/ I don't deserve that nor will i take that on" I have felt this really helps me.
I don't think I had this kind of narcissist, I think mine was infinitely worse. But, I am so carried away by how you can zero in on a narcissist like you have a drop of his blood under a microscope. like you have a petri dish with a narcissist in it. 🤑 I am so glad you're out there for us because I enjoy these videos even though some of it does not apply to me anymore. I can help somebody else with information helpful to them
Dr. Ramani, I am so grateful for all you do to help those of us who have endured longstanding narcissistic abuse. Your book Should I Stay or Should I Go? was one of my many resources. With the help of a very competent therapist and the support of my adult children and close friends, I realized what I needed to do. On April 1, 2019, I filed for divorce and left my husband of 52 years while he was out at an appointment. So at 72 I faced the fact that I would be living alone for the first time in my life. And during this pandemic, I realized I was better off living alone than being miserable in a lonely and abusive marriage.
I’m over it. Now, I’m alone and I love it. I just want to be empowered financially so I can retire, withdraw, and disappear and be alone more and better.
Just what I needed to hear. Thought I was the only one who felt stuck because of the fear of being alone, and I felt crazy for feeling this way. I suppose I'm not the only one after all. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Yes i had that fear when i was in the relationship even though i was deeply unhappy and exhausted the fear remained. Its so much better to be able to please yourself than to keep trying the impossible and please the narc
When you're in the relationship, the narcissist will isolate you from everyone. It's practically up to them whether you are alone or not. However, once you're out, being alone is something in your control. It's up to you. I understand that it's not easy to go back into the world, and that you're not completely the same person again after getting out of this hellhole. But at least I find it helpful and freeing to think about it this way.
3 super toxic narc relationships in past - with my narc parents who talk to me as if I was their slave (do this, do that, nothing nice or polite) and later two narc men... but now! it is 4th year in a very loving and caring relationship and it is so amazing, I can do whatever I want, I have support for my opinions and hobbies even if they are different from his, he loved me slim, he loves me obese (Im trying to loose weight now), he can listen to me talking about my toxic childhood for hours and never says "stop, you are boring", he was the first person to know about it and never said, it is not true; he believes me, he believes in me... it is a blessing! I love him so much and I feel everyday how much he loves me. He shows me everyday!
I left the narc 4 years ago and never looked back. I was single for over 3 years. That time was much needed to do some self work and healing. I found that I loved being alone. What a surprise! Then, I met someone who is wonderful. I knew deep in my heart, that intimate relationships did not have to be hellish. I was right... Just takes the right person. So worth the wait. What I wanna know is where was she 20+ years ago??? Ugh!
Hi Dr Ramani, I come from a narcissist family , but I ended with a very empathic partner, and besides you know all the problems we are living with the pandemic we have a very peaceful home with respect , and love for each other, and support thank you for your channel because it gives answers and make sense for things of my past and a better understanding gives me more capacity to understand and be patient and don’t blame it on myself
A lil early to comment and yet to watch your video. But we eagerly watch your videos and truly appreciate your observations. Keep sharing your good views, God bless you 💐
I love being alone. Freedom to do whatever I want. Eat what I want, wear what I want, go where I want. I have headspace to think my own thoughts and experiment with finding new hobbies and volunteering 2 jobs I love. I also have amazing friends. Not lonely at all 🙏❤️
Dr. Ramani, I’m a 43 year old Indian woman that immigrated to the US about 16 years ago with my Indian husband who immigrated with me. On listening to your videos, a new world opened up to me and I could make some sense of my relationships in my family of origin and even now. Now it isn’t as cut and dry since as you may very well know, Indian and Asian cultures are very bound by expectations and norms that make it very easy to disguise narcissistic behavior for the covert narcissist. The cultural norm or dogma of respecting elders, not talking back can just be used perfectly. There are also no clear boundaries you can establish which are crucial to guarding your sense of self. I don’t think I have the luxury of entirely cutting myself off from any of this behavior. I would like to know what advice you have for people that do not have the choice of removing themselves from these relationships.
I do feel the slow constant pain of being alone and lonely. I also feel it will always be like that. Did anybody over 55 here get lucky and found a new (kind) relationship after the abusive one?
Hi Richard, I feel you and empathize with you. I’m older as well and feel that way too sometimes, the nights are the worst. But I remind myself to stay calm, to find that stillness and inner peace, that core of me that will keep me grounded, knowing that life will evolve and good things will emerge, as long as you stay true to yourself.
The poor and suffering scapegoat. Wrote a song called scapegoat, my band is recording it now lol... but my spin is the goat didn't die and he returns to give back what doesn't belong to him.
When I was leaving my narc, decided if I have to end up in shelter will choose over my toxic relationship. I never worked before, but starting school this summer at the age of 47.
This really ties into the learned helplessness (and the anxiety that comes with it). It is hard to see outcomes that are good when you are trained to not even look at those options that could help with some of it. I feel fortunate that I have come to embrace my solitude. It is so much nicer than "lonely".. which is how I used to feel all the time. It is why I accepted so much abuse though, and for so long. I didn't think I was worthy of someone who was a better fit with me, so the chances were low I would find someone like that and ignored a number of clear red flags, even clear to me at the time. Being alone gives me more time for self care too.. and when you are healing you need a lot of that in your life. Meditation has been incredibly helpful, and before I had a room of my own, I could not carve out time for it. I have also been able to dabble in various arts and subjects of scholarly interest that I did not want to attempt under the watchful eye of my "roommate" as it brought up a lot of anxiety. I don't even like taking a shower when he in in the house. Alone has many more pros than cons for me currently. :)
I'm free of my narcissist and I'm married to the most wonderful man now. He is so attentive and thoughtful. He genuinely cares about me! I'm so glad that I got out, healed, and waited for this man of mine!
I was afraid of being alone or the idea of him being with someone else (replacing me) for the longest time... then I realized I felt alone when he was in the same room and he cheated on me relentlessly... so I was being “replaced” while I was in the relationship. Once I relized that... the only real fear was having to start over from groud zero.
Thank you for the video on neglectful narcissist. I have been alone for a long time. Buti went thru what you talk about and now use observe don't absorb. There hasnt been word salad or acting out for 3 months. If she acts up i walk away. If she asks i say. If you are dismissive of me,i will be dismissive of you. She knows that im serious. I was offered a promotion and the day i told her she at time was staring at me quietly. I picked up on her feeling insignificant.
Dr Ramani, thank you! I’m currently recovering from a major spine reconstruction surgery in a California nursing home for the part 3 weeks where I’m also recovering from Covid as one of the unfortunate spikes all because I LITERALLY was broke up and kicked out on to the street with my daughter. He is moving to Florida. Only NOW he calls and texts 10 times a day telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t wait to fly me out to see him. Sending me pics of the beaches and restaurants we will be visiting and homes to look at for “late on” after my girl graduates next year acts like all of this was something we planned together! As if he never dumped me. As if I’m NOT living in a homeless hotel awaiting transitional housing... he behaves like we are a loving couple. My birthday was a week ago and he sent a dozen roses to the nursing home I’m in and he just continues to fill my days with how much he loves me! I’m begging to weaken in my stand. I had turned a page and was totally prepared to leave this facility and begin my new existence as a single mom and i was actually feeling ok about it. Financially, I can’t go no contact. I need his help. I still have a credit card he gave me a long time ago for gas and anything else I may urgently need... and being on welfare... Im probably going to continue needing it to cover car insurance etc. He is also giving my daughter his car when he actually leaves for Florida. (Waiting for escrow) I have to continue to play along with his future faking game but it is very difficult to remember that he is only playing a game. Because when cornered, he will not recommit to the relationship. He only says we will “play it by ear.” I imagine narcs are famous for that line. Anyway, I’m working so hard to keep play along with his game but the hard part is remembering IT’S ALL A TACTICAL GAME OF MANIPULATION and to not allow my heart to get dragged back into it. You have taught me all about the narc and I know there will never be a future with him that doesn’t involve living in daily fear that I will be on the street again there next time I try to lay down s boundary. So my point is, how do I keep myself from getting my heart sucked back in? I’m 56yo and my career is over after a severe spine injury. I can walk etc don’t get me wrong, I just can’t work anymore. So I really am afraid of living alone forever. I have nothing to bring to the table. I know the first thing people say to me is that I’m pretty... well pretty doesn’t mean a damned thing. I have no job and I’m living in the ghetto with no hopes of finding a new job/skill that any employer would risk hiring me for. I’m a liability and I need accommodations. No one will hire me. I literally have nothing to bring to the dating table. I can’t even buy myself clothes I’m so poor. I’m trying very hard NOT to use that credit card so I’m prepared for the day he cancels it during a disagreement. Please guide in how to GO THROUGH the ending of the relationship if you got discarded yet still need his help. I’m so stuck!
You’ve described my mother and how she treated me and interacted with me perfectly. I don’t think most people would describe her as a narcissist but she is.
Despite having been on my own for years before our relationship he made me think I relied on him, that I was weak and he afforded me this life. I realized I had a career, bought the house with him and had been taking care of my young children pretty much alone. I decided to leave 9 months ago. Although I almost went back a few times, I am happier. My house is so much cleaner. He was a slob.
I went through that with an individual who may have Borderline Personality Disorder (refuse treatment) plus being narcissistic, wanting to dominate any relationship. I left the relationship because my boundaries were being tested all the time.
It's not that I wanna be alone. I just want peace. I don't identify with culture. Nothing in it interests me but not because I'm depressed. I am surely depressed or maybe this is peace. But, knowledge has ended for me. I watch your videos regularly. They are very soothing.
I think even more sad is not looking at all at how a narcissistic relationship is affecting you. THAT is lonely! You're in a lonely world suffering abuse, having physical symptoms of insomnia and anxiety caused by your narcissist, fearful of what you might find if you examine your loneliness and your narcissist. Been there! Glad to be NOT doing that anymore!
Although I’m afraid of being alone, I’m even more afraid of not being able to financially make it on my own and ending up on the street. I honestly don’t think I would ever consider another relationship. It’s not something I can see myself doing. I grew up in a narcissistic home. To escape the situation at home I eloped with my (narcissistic)husband when I was 19 years old. I was unaware of narcissism until a few years ago when I returned to college to complete my bachelors degree. Despite earning my degree and graduating with honors, I feel like I’m still stupid and worthless. My husband has always insisted that I stay home with the children. I have been home for 19 years. I have a degree, but no work experience. I have lifelong severe anxiety and depression, and other debilitating health issues. All but one of the three children are grown and on their own. The third is an older teen. My husband won’t allow her to obtain her driver’s license or have a car. I’m approaching my 50th birthday and I feel that my youth was squandered in just surviving day to day life. My counselor is pushing me to go against my husband, consequences be damned, but I’m terrified as I don’t have a viable support system, no money and no place to go. Maybe being alone would be better, but if that means I end up homeless then I don’t know...
You know your problem lies where your finances are.. I suggest you prepare your finances.. Save money while living with your husband.. Spend more time with your children than your husband.. Have an honest conversation with them about how you feel in your marriage.. Your children are adults and probably smart people.. Be careful not to pain him as a bad person just highlight your feelings. They'll understand because they probably feel the same way, not as intensely tho.. Look for a job any, I suggest you apply for jobs related to your course and other jobs maybe in retail, that may not be your worth but it'll put some money in your pocket..
If you live in the US, try going to the EDD website & apply for "pandemic emergency insurance" , people that don't qualify for regular unemployment ( I can send link if you can't find it) if you qualify you it might be a little help/motivation to move on (what I'm doing)
Being alone gives you space to figure out what you want and go for your dreams. It is useful for a time -- until you find like-minded people. Lots of people will make your doubt yourself (your hopes and dreams) or require you to conform to the group so that you can be included. They'll have a number of seemingly logical reasons for why you can't achieve this or that. But they've adapted a pessimistic mindset by default. The key is to find those few people who are on a similar path, otherwise you end up sabotaging yourself because of a yearning to belong. Quality over quantity as they say.
Yes I did initially would have had waves of feeling lonely, a day I took out the two mugs to make tea & realised that one cup had to go back in the press!! I now reflect back & think of how that simple gesture upset me. It took many years of being baited, loved bombed, a car bought for me when my other car had broken down. I lost count of the many break ups & make ups that occurred. Until finally I stated to socially interact with new people. Had a very happy part time relationship with someone from another Country. I remember that feeling of being respected & so much gratitude & genuine compliments, i was in total awe of those words. The flowers, the grocery shopping & he availing of so many bargains of groceries for myself & my children, when that financial crash happened & maintenance stopped. Taken out for dinner. Just meeting up to have a coffee. Dancing again & just feeling so happy. Hopefully I sincerely hope that members of our beautiful community will read this & know that yes, there are kind & good people out there & that you can do this, take the risks of going out & socialising once again. That there is life, love, joy & freedom after narcissistic abuse. Again dr Ramini thank you for being there for all of us & your ever so precious videos 🙏
For me being free of this relationship is like opening a window and letting air in. I’m in a time of my life that I should be thinking about retiring. He would tell me how afraid I should be. I’m not saying leaving is for everyone but yes get support and doing those things you love EVERYDAY! Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or who you are. You are unique and your life is a gift! You’re never alone!
Wow can’t say I am exactly surrounded by anyone but immediate family. And it’s hard. But through therapy and these videos and making deliberate decisions about who I want around me, I can say it’s a little easier this time. And I know in the future I’ll find those people. Who don’t criticize. Who are spiritual. Who aren’t so polarized and radical.
when your partner leaves for work and you feel a sudden sense of relief, it’s a sign, folks.
And dreading when they come back😒
Yes, I know that feeling well. As well as the feeling of suffocating anxiety when you hear them come home. 😔
At least he can provide some childcare. So sorry for your situation.
This was me
Yes, I dont miss the pins n needles feeling, anticipation of the Narc returning home from being with one of his supplies. Walking through the door to ignore my presence all while he fuels himself by thinking I am not aware of his doings and disguarding me like I'm worthless.
Yes, fear of being alone and abandonment. Ironically, now that I am out I realize just how alone I was in the relationship.
There's something called ltl living together loneliness I had that most of my life too. Some words I learned in different ways but often I had different books not the books I have now. Each man kind of wanted me to lose my goals or drop them in order to aide them but as I noticed I had a longer living on my own experience and that was terribly lonely.
Hugs, you are worth so much more than that 💐
A R thank you
So agree. Nothing is more lonely than a relationship with these types of people
Sounds like heaven. Can’t wait to be on my own and away from my narc parents.
Being with a Narc is being lonely. Better to be alone and have your integrity, self respect, and sanity! 🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️🏃🏾♀️
Totally agree
Being with a Narc is being lonely x10.
@@BrendaBaBoom That is so true.
Exactly right!
That’s true
I had to finally decide i'd rather die broke, alone, n homeless than in an abusive situation. Better alone than abused.
I can relate. I've been "alone" since BEFORE the 'I don't 18 years ago. But I too feel most alone when I am with him. It's so horrible and hurts so deeply. I am one of those people that never meets a stranger --- yet at home I am a stranger... paradoxical? Yes! So why not go on to be alone while I am physically alone. Money is my issue to overcome now. But I believe I can do it! Perhaps that is the first step......
I do ...rather than I don't, lol
That's me. I can't get to that point
Yes, Exactly. I decided I did not want to die under those conditions. I lived with them far too long.
Then life gets interesting. And after that, it can get good.
You are pretty much on your own when you are in a relationship where you are constantly invalidated, gaslighted, belittled and not respected. Therefore, being alone with yourself MINUS the poor treatment by a partner really is an improvement. Thanks for your great videos and books, Dr Ramani!
Amen, well said!
So true
Perfect!
Staying with Narc. isn't physically alone but mentally psychologically emotionally is the worst loneliness .
If you don’t want to be alone after a break up with a narcissist, consider getting a pet! My ex-narcissist hates dogs (which should have been my first clue) and I put off having one for him. Within a month after this most recent (and final) break up, I rescued my sweet Boomer. He was abandoned and has high anxiety...so we’re fixing each other. It is the purest and most selfless love I have ever known. We don’t deserve animals.
Yes yes yes. I have 6 poodles and they love me without all the sick games I lived with for so long. I love them and this is a great life. I have always really loved dogs. My soon to be ex hates pets. What the hell was I thinking. If I get involved with someone ever again they will be a dog lover. Period.
I just cut off 3 sisters who never respected my no. I finally realized that once I stopped trusting in THEM and put my trust in God, I would be better off in every way. One sister told me not to get a pet til 6 mo after my surgery. I instantly said no to her. She was upset. I got my beautiful Millie sept 20, 2020. 6 months would be Dec. Recently she was at my house ( I was so anxious bcuz she had insulted me 2 weeks before and never apologized. I’d called her on it.
So I waited to invite her for coffee and she criticized Millie. I called her on it and once agIn no apology. I cried and boo hooed loudly after I cut them off. The anxiety is far less. And my beautiful Millie crawls up and puts her head on my chest or lap and snuggles. I love my little family member.
Mine disliked my dog. He was jealous of my furry guy. Said someone told him never to date a woman with pets, really?! So now he's gone (not the dog)and I got 2 kittens!! Now 1 dog and 3 cats !! Happiness.
This should've been my first sign. He liked my cat when we were dating but when I decided to move to Germany for the relationship things changed. I didn't bring my cat. I gave her away. :( Shit, I haven't thought about this in a long time. I gave my cat away and came to Germany. :'( Sorry Zoey, you deserved better than that.
I adore my dog as well 😊
The single shaming is real! “There ain’t nothing wrong with you!” I needed to hear that today!
True my family is big on single shaming...which is why avoid them at all cost. 😬
Yes, the negative stigma of Loneliness tempting people to stay , the worst choice .
Oh yeah...like you aren't enough! Bullsh*t.... wish I'd focused on myself.. narc fam all about respectable job relationship kids... me!! I didn't matter... wish I'd lived my own life... 🙋
Being alone how will I be able to raise my two children. There is no way I can do it alone. No one will want me. Dr.Ramani red flags surrounded me yet I took the plunge. Today’s message was my life for 48 years. Then one day death took my husband. I had no emotion either way. He took that too. Today I am so different. I am confident out going enjoying life to the fullest. You help to put things to rest and restore in me a new person. Thank you for loving this community
🌹
The "flip side" of this discussion is the fact if you have been in a long term Narc relationship, you have likely been "alone" for quite a while. The Narc will have "thrown" that "aloneness" at you many times over the relationship; i.e."you will be a lonely old person (without me)". If you look at the situation in a rational, logical frame of mind (yes, that's difficult), YOU have been alone for a while, and you are likely much better at dealing with it than the Narc. Narcs cannot tolerate being alone! That's why you will be replaced fairly quickly once you leave...after the Narc does their best to destroy your reputation. Just stick to the plan and get support.
So true
Brilliant!
Ive been alone through my whole relationship that lasted almost 6 years. Only me and my thoughts. And my thoughts we my only friend.
The abuse has long term effects, I never stood up for myself for a long time.
If people in the room disrespected me I wouldn't say anything or do anything at all. I was always honestly afraid it felt like everyone always had me by the throat.
Lisa-Marie Grote thank you for your kind comment.
Sometimes we stay because we love that cruel known narcissist rather than find an unknown partner.
Its a miserable lonely feeling, they aren't available when we need them,when we are emotionally low,when our health is upset,when we are happy,when we want love.Its a strange loneliness sucking feeling.
Yes. The unknown is scary
Having been raised by a person who has the same behavior patterns, I was alone most of the time.
Thankful for me, I like/ love who I am.
@@kellyleighread807 happy for your recovery
@Ginger Klajbor its a hard time. But we will shine
Well said re ' ... they aren't available when we need them, when we are emotionally low, when our health is upset, when we are happy, when we want love'.
Just spent the last year and a half with myself. Going on dates with myself.. restaurants, festivals, going out dancing.. doing all the things my ex (and my father) wouldnt do with me. It was really fun!
A bit lonely.
But then when this pandemic came it felt like overkill. I was ready to get back out there and take chances.. be brave with others.
Patience I suppose. 😊🙏
Me too love single life! Been single forever nobody ever shames me.
We got this. Try to be gentle and positive with yourself. Healthy love is out there.. but we need healthy boundaries. "I only surrender to true love." 🧡🙏
Thank you
love this
Just starting my alone time. Still shakey. And leaving him during the pandemic left me with no one to hang with. Scary, but getting stronger.
When you unfriend your ex and he sends you this text: “I had a great long weekend thanks, kayaking and partying with (insert latest woman being love-bombed’s name) and friends.
It’s also a shame that you unfriended me, but that was your choice and there’s no going back once it’s done.”.
Left thinking. Hello! I did it for a reason! Enjoy your new life! 😂
These video’s have helped me greatly. I have had to fully debrief and see things for how they were: unstable, fake, unkind and loveless. When we met, I was 26, successful, vibrant and happy. When we divorced, I was 46, almost destroyed, and had taken on his angry and defensive traits. It wasn’t me. I am so, so relieved to be free.
Congrats! I know that feeling of being free. Feels like I finally took my foot off the gas pedal and can breathe. That text though ugh...
Well done! My ex could've done the exact same thing...
Well said fellow free gal!!!
I was 52 when I divorced. It’s as if the life is drained from me and I no longer have the energy or desire to get out and try to break into a group. I enjoy being at home alone. I am glad to be free from the prison in which I lived.
Mine did the same thing, only he texted and called me from Jamaica! Yup, this new woman (one of many) paid $8,000 for a trip for them 3 months after meeting him! Couldn’t help but laugh to myself cause the day he got back, guess who came banging on my door drunk and a blubbering mess telling me just “can’t” let me go I was the love of his life (Lmao...please!). I feel sorry for his newest victim. I tried to warn her a few weeks back with proof and screenshots of our relationship the last almost 3 years. Of course, he told her I was a psycho stalker. And she believed him. For now, at least. She and every other woman will learn...I blocked them all and I have finally found peace in my life again. Just my son and I, in our beautiful little home! I felt the same peace I felt after my divorce from my ex husband (also a narcissist). Happy healing!
When you feel alone, try meditating or going for a walk in nature. You may feel alone because you have been conditioned by the narcissist to neglect yourself. It may feel as though you no longer have your own company. People can feel lonely even in a room full of people, because they have taken the focus off themselves.
You're so right.
Food for thought.
Love your nature videos!
@@erikavaleries Glad you enjoy them
Dating sucks, but I am still much happier now than when I was in a relationship with a narc. I have much more hope for my future!
she's right, if you can manage it, find a way to live alone and away from your narcassists. It is hard but so rewarding at the end. It took me 3-4 months of ups and downs but i kept slowly getting stronger. Even now I still find myself walking around saying affirmations in my head that I never got to hear from others. But I needed that time to break down and create new habits, new thoughts, and really continue to try to source my happiness from within myself even when I didnt understand how to do it. Quarentine and covid has been such a blessing in this way. It has provided me ample time, ability, and reason to isolate myself, die and rebirth without interference or question.
Wish you luck
so right!
Yes, i was very afraid of being alone, that was the reason i gave my ex-husband so many Chances, i now have been single for about 3 years and i am doing so much better. Offcourse i would love to have a Partner but he has to be very, very special and beautifull inside and iff i do not meet this Person i am very ok with being alone. Love from Switzerland
I've witnessed people's fear of being alone that so often gets them stuck in abusive relationships.
...I have experienced 'single shaming; many times, and used to wonder if something was wrong with me....
Thank You Dr Ramani for the brilliant wisdom you share!
@@Oceans780 TRUE!!!! The Flying monkey/ enabling doormat of my ex narc friend tried to single-shame me on the sly in an attempt to make me jealous of her toxic relationship and chip away at my contentment of my singleness.
”A sense that your narcissistic parents could cast you out at any time.” This is exactly how it was!
When I left my narcissist, the Solitude and silence was deafening an overwhelming. I highly recommend immediately joining a gym, a charity group that you feel passionate about to re-identify where your feelings come from immediately. Then Journal about these new activities to create a new Consciousness about who you are. This will crowd out the old narcissist and the negative Talk programming.
Same thing happened to me.
Join a church choir. Or a hiking or birding club. Learn a new language. A film club. A drawing
group. Urban sketchers. Have fun! Go out on your own.
thank you
I love this!
Juz watchin this and I realised narcissists have ultimate fear of being alone. They constantly need people for validation thus have a string of lovers and keeping in touch with ex-s from 5-8 years ago.
Took me a very long time to figure out being alone doesn't mean im lonely in fack id rather be alone then to endure a life time of abuse and im danm good company 🙂
That’s right. The loneliness of being with a narcissist is far far worse.
I was NEVER more alone than when I was with the narcissist (and, sadly, did not realize it until after I left and healed). Now that I am alone (thank goodness), my life is full of family, friends, associates, mentees, my rescue dog and meaningful work (list not exhaustive). Just two days ago, a male friend from middle school/high school/college emailed me out of the blue (haven't spoken in decades), and we talked for seven hours on the phone. It was so delightful. And we've decided to continue the relationship. I turn 60 this year, and it's wonderful to look back and see the memories I have created with people over the decades. The narcissist plays for Team Irrelevant. The 23.5 years I spent with the narcissist do not define me, but they did enlighten me.
Fear of being alone kept me with unhealthy people for years. Finally having had enough I decided it was time to try. Now I LOVE being alone!! It's the greatest gift of my recovery, the ability to enjoy my own company and not need anyone else. I am happier now than I've ever been and I am alone! Alone but NOT lonely.
My mother used the fear of being alone as a tool when I was a child. It was easy for me to believe down to the core of my being because I had already watched my father leave. I was broken, scared, I was a child. I learned to adore my mother so I would never be alone. Fast forward today through MANY trials and tribulations I am no longer afraid of being alone. I’m never alone, I have God in my life. My mother and I have an extremely distant relationship today. There is freedom on the other side of fear. Being alone is not bad, loneliness is a state of mind. Everybody deserves to be free. Coincidence,today is my mother’s bday and this video really struck a cord with me. Thank you Dr. Ramani
I could have written that comment. Thank you so much.
There is freedom on the other side of fear...well done 💪🏼💐
@@Succeshero-yw1rl me too.
Breaking free from the abuse and having time to be alone to "meet yourself again" is the greatest gift you can ever get.
My narcissistic abuser died unexpectedly last year and before this event, I had the fear of being alone stemming from an abusive lonely childhood. Now, I am loving being "alone" . Just the thought of being back in an abusive relationship gives me the chills!!! I have made such valuable friendships, which would NEVER of happened if I was still with him. Discovering yourself for the first time is an amazing journey!! 💥😎💥
Most narcs end up truly alone in the end. I felt an instant sense of relief after leaving him, I didn’t feel physically sick anymore every day... if that isn’t a sign, idk what is.
Child of Christ I don’t have Instagram or Facebook. Social media makes it easy for narcs to see what you’re up to 😉 which I’m sure he’d be doing, if he could.
They're never anything other than alone. How can you have friends, if you cannot be a friend? How can there be other if there is so little self? How can that which is no one, truly feel loved by anyone? Say nothing of feeling love for another. No matter what, they're living looking through a wall of glass. Alone with others. Hence why you said "truly alone" I guess. Indeed.
Also, I realized when everything was okay, in it, I felt still alone. Atleast being out of the relationship I feel alone here and there but it isn’t so bad. It gets better and I realized I seriously have tons of friends before and even now. It isn’t bad being alone. Another note is before the Toxic Relationship, I was actually pretty happy for the most part. The deep loneliness came when I met him. Although there were happy moments with him and I learned a lot from him and from that Toxic Relationship... it doesn’t beat the feeling of peaceful freedom. There are hard days.. but you get through it and you look back at the strength you actually have all along.
so right
I'm experiencing this now, I'm constantly afraid that I will never find anyone and neither be able to trust them after what I've been through. It's very hard and scary. And then I do believe in real love for others, but I want to experience it myself one day too.
❤
This was so needed today. Sometimes I go back and forth in my mind about this very thing. Should I settle just to have a sense of belonging to something and being someone’s wife? Or, face being alone without help? I don’t want much I only want respect and to feel equal and feel like I’m loved unconditionally. The same things I offer in a relationship. I don’t want to settle just for outer appearance but deep inside I’m really not happy because I’m not being treated well. It really feels like suffering but, I’d rather go through this temporarily versus staying in something with someone who just doesn’t care for me the way I need them to.
don't settle! you're worth more than that, you deserve to be treated well, I know what being treated poorly is like, it sucks, it undermines your mental health completely, get out, you WILL make it
Tomeka Montegue the worst thing about lowering your standards is that the other person usually will not believe you after you tell them that you did ,so don’t lower your standards
If I work my way out of this I don't ever want another partner again. Friends and family are all I need.
Good for you. I hope you have wonderful friends and family to support you :)
What is sad is when you want out when there isn't friends or family.... but I'm going to di it so help me God.
@@virginiasanderson519 I hope you do, I'm pulling for you.
Yes, I have been through it all. Out of the control and the gaslighting, I can't even pick which one was worse. My narc told me he is the best man in the world, and I would never find anyone better than him but I did. The most wonderful man in the world to me did find me and you're right, the difference between the relationships is polar opposite. I am grateful for finding true love.😃💞🙏
My narcissistic relationships sabotaged a lot of things including my passion for music, and as a young adult I adopted a mindset (I guess came from narcissistic and cultural shame and fear) saying: “You just don’t go to a concert, event, movie or restaurant alone ”. So, I didn't go anywhere to follow my bliss. Finally, at the age of 42 (only 6 years ago), I somehow decided to go to a big rock concert by myself. It is the best thing I’ve ever done! After that, I’ve travelled alone and been to many concerts, movies and restaurants alone and the mastery, freedom and joy I experience is just amazing.
I was encouraged by the book “Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway!” by Susan Jeffers. Right now, I’m reading “Should I stay or Should I go?” by Dr. Ramani - both are fantastic books written by two great women!
Thanks for the book recommendations.
I love this. I am debating whether to do a solo motorcycle trip down south from New England and back up. I have done solo rides before and have moved cross country twice by myself... but this feels different now that I am in radical narc abuse recovery. I am so glad you shared about doing so much alone.
Like you, I never went to concerts, shows etc… Now that I am older and have left these narcissistic relationships, I’ve gone out on my own to so many concerts, shows and gallery exhibitions and in the process met lots of new people who share my love of music and art. It’s great.
I am surrounded by narcissists. I don't know if I would recognize a "normal, healthy relationship" if it bit me on the behind... Much of my life with these family members is spent SMH. Thanks to your advice and a couple of other therapist channels that I subscribe to, I may make it out of this alive!
Ive always felt lonely, even as a child, but after going through the narcissist journey, the person I was so very scared too be with was myself especially after bereavement, since researching myself ive took to healing abandonment issues from childhood, ive started too love myself for the first time in my life, i dont need anyone to love me ,i enjoy being me the woman/person i was never allowed to be, this is my time, my time is precious, meditation, hill walking, but most of all travelling has helped, better too be with myself then being with someone that doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to have you, no one will will ever hold my happiness in their hands, my happiness is mines i deserve happiness i put in the work for the best version of myself ,so very happy being with me, as human beings we put so much effort into other people's lives and not enough into our lives that don't deserve us .
@@TejubescDM thank you that means so much to me, take care, shine ,rise above but most of all love you, thanks again.
It’s so important to take stock and be so grateful every single day to finally be out of a relationship with a narcissist. Your brain tends to delete such severe, malignant trauma but I always remember the horror my life was for 15 years. I’m just so grateful I finally have peace and calm in my life. My home is full of love and respect and I appreciate it every single day.
Ironically, I was more alone in the relationship than now-been out for nine months and the loneliness is nowhere as bad.
I have put up with so much of abuse from my family because they were family. When I cut off from my narcissistic family, i was relieved but it brought to light that I have always been alone from childhood. I understand now from where my fear of being alone, comes. I am amazed at the abuse that I put up with. Today, memories of my childhood fill me with so much sadness. Information about narcissism and narcissistic families must be part of the school curriculum. Children should be protected from parents who are monsters.
We're such creatures of habit and will do anything not to feel alone. I had to ask myself the question: would you rather feel alone or would you rather feel the reality of being unloved? I chose alone.
If someone chastises, makes fun of, or insults you for being "alone", "lonely", "a loner" or "not having friends" they are indeed cruel narcissists! They are certainly not the kind of people you should desire to be around--at all--in the first place! They will ALWAYS think of you as being pathetic and needy and that they are actually doing you some kind of godly favor by simply being in your life!
They want you in the pecking order so they can incorporate you cleanly into the script. They like to dominate and have everything in its right place.
No friends 😞 being alone is horrible. In the worst depression of my life. No joy for a long time
I get you. I get bouts of depression which is worse now with the pandemic. When I first left the narc the lonely feeling was pathological. We’re really not meant to be alone. I still have hope that someone will come along one day.
Denise Buese I wish I had that hope. I can’t even get out of bed most days.
Im just pissed that my time was wasted, that my life was ruined and that it will never be the same. I dont want to be here anymore. I know when to lay down a losing hand.
That’s exactly how I feel. But I hope you’re feeling better now.
Living with a narcissist is living alone , so glad i got out
I felt a sense of security having him around. I'd be excited to see him, but then reality would set in at times. Yes, we would argue. There were good times, too. I think that's also why I held on for so long.
I went from fear of being alone to being alone. I was abandoned at age 62. I think it is going to take a while before I don't feel alone living alone. Covid is creating a lot of obstacles.
Come to see me in portugal!
I was left at 67 crazy getting used to it been a year and a half
@@patriciavandevelde5469 Patricia, When we can travel freely again, I would love to visit you in Portugal. Thank you for the dream. Carrie
I was 60 when violently discarded. Divorced within 7 months.
@@laurabrown539 Laura, How are you managing? Is it getting any easier? I have been divorced for a year. It feels as if the whole world is going through a narcissistic discard as a global unit, and we have NO IDEA how to do this. Carrie
When I was raising my son I always felt I was not good enough. I felt overwhelmed and unable to raise him alone. This resulted in many bad dates and a couple of bad relationships. I still cry thinking back about the bad choices I made. If only...
Now I am living on my own for over a year. I do sometimes feel lonely, but most of the time I am just alone and free to choose if I want to meet someone or not. As soon as I realize that I dont feel lonely anymore. I know it felt much worse feeling lonely within the relationships than now.
When I think about eating alone and it does not appeal to me I think about inviting someone, or I make something extra special for myself knowing I wont get anyone complaining that its not what they want.
Going to a party alone is not always nice, but atleast I can set my own times (preparing, ariving and leaving) if I am having fun I can stay as long as I want, or if I am not enjoying it I can leave whenever.
I am also discovering what things I really want and dont want. Its not always easy, ofcourse not, but I learn so many things now.
This freedom is so new and so relax that I honnestly never want to go back into a relationship like that ever again.
Especially when kids are involved, it is so easy to ruminate about past bad choices, but you are making the best choices now. Enjoy your new life!
CeZe G thank you ❤️
I think another big pattern in narcissistic relationships is losing your voice and sense of self.
Especially when growing up in a narcissistic household. You learn that just being yourself isn’t enough and that you have to do what your narcissistic parents want to get the attention you crave as a child. Causing you to get so used to listening to others needs, that when you try to make big decisions and choices for yourself. It’s hard to answer the question of who YOU are.
@DoctorRamani
I divorced my narcissist husband after 25 years and was so relieved to be away from him- but being alone was shockingly hard - I could not stay in my house- I found all kinds of reasons to 'help my parents' with things, and work extra hours- after 3 years he started pursuing me and I got back together with him even tho my gut was saying no no no. I didn't understand why I was getting back together with him - but I couldn't tell him no. But at that time I didn't have a diagnosis for what was going on with him - AND even tho I had realized early in my 20's that I was co-dependent, I guess I thought I had cured myself of that by realizing it and reading a book about it! So it was the perfect disaster and here I am now 40 years in and feeling very sad and unhappy. But Doctor Ramani and others on this site are teaching me so much - I am so grateful! Thankyou!
Dr.Ramani explains it so profoundly . Being alone for a person who got in his childhood the role of scapegoat , loneliness brings with it the sense of being neglected, abandoned , rejected by you parents . in addition to the being alone is the learned stigma of being unwanted , rejected unloved . What give so somber meaning to physical alone, the bitter , painful memory of unwanted .
Thank you Dr. Ramani for answering the questions and fears I play in my head daily. Your videos have been a Key element to give me the courage to break through out of a 21 year unhealthy marriage. 🙏🏼😇
Yes I am so afraid of being alone and I am stuck... We all love you Doctor Ramani!!!
So happy to see you again this morning!!!
You are not stuck! As much as you feel like that. Trust me, being alone is a lot better than being with a narcissit.
If you can view the loneliness, as peacefulness, you will never feel alone again.
I'm my mother's youngest child. My father died when I was much younger. My mom has literally consistently reminded me that my siblings arent people I can rely on. She reminds me of how alone I am. It's really terrible.
She's awful and will worsen, you know complaining about being a victim is their favorite tune, (idk why but I've always found it a tad pathetic when parents demand support from their kids, mine are 24 & 22 and I simply ask them to take good care of themselves, not to stress for their parents, their very good care of themselves is the best way to take care of us, kids can be such a worry and mature parents know their children are the best ones to fix their situations).
Yes, he constantly told me that no one would want to put up with me.
Mirroring!
This seems to be a very very popular example of gaslighting, when you look around all the comments on here! Happened to me as well, and as soon as he was out of my life, I finally had space for friends and other relationships, and they came along almost by themselves. And none of them thought they were"putting up with me"!
Live and learn, I guess.
I've heard those same words more times than I can remember. I'm sorry
Naomi Thornton it’s ok I now know it was nothing but a lie! I hope you know that too. We are survivors.
He often told me (with contempt in his voice) that I would never make it without him. One day I realized that I already was making it without him. It was never a real relationship in the first place. I told myself a lot of lies about what it was, but he has been MIA since the beginning. I didn't realize how his other actions were part of making this part come true; all the sabotage of my job and schooling, diminishing my contributions to "our" life. He was great at reminding me that it was "our" posessions. ( I called it "throwing me a bone") But "ours" was more like he was the only "1" and I was the "0" and together this made him bigger and better. But you really do have to have a zero to make that work. It was so discouraging. I made it anyway. But what a painful journey.
@Sketcher I've always been self-reliant despite having a very narcissistic parent. I thought marriage would be different and I could put my past behind me. Little did I realize that it would be a different twist on the old game. I became the wife I imagined my mother should have been, not realizing it would never matter who I was. I didn't exist as a partner. It took many years to understand psychological and emotional abuse. He didn't hide it in the beginning of the marriage, but did later.
Mine too- How could I believe it when I’ve paid the bills for our whole marriage?
@Sketcher Thank you. I suspect I will find it. I just find it validating that even in the midst of the mind screws, I still knew it wasn't right, even if I didn't have a name for it. I'm finding a resilience that is comforting.
I used to be fearful of being alone and sometimes would get so down that I randomly feel like crying while eating alone.
Thankfully,I met an exercise group and a mentor so the feelings are different now.Its ok to be alone if you are free to choose who you contact and when to do so.
I told him I wanted a divorce one year ago, he moved out in September and divorce in December. I was so happy to finally find peace, I never felt lonely. But one year later, I am starting to wish I could meet someone, but as you said, I dont trust my own judgment anymore. I had been so dissolutioned for so long. I was a strong, independent young woman when I met my husband. That was 30 years ago, I feel like he broke me and I lost myself a long time ago. Also i am angry, I gave him the best years of my life and he gave shit. I turn 50 in days and it is disheartening to know I may be alone for the rest of my life but I never want to go back to that toxic mess.
@Sketcher "try not to 'give' them your anger" --- that really rang a bell with me!! Thanks for sharing.
I'm in the same situation! I'll be 50this year too and my narc husband actually assaulted me on Easter and was mad the hospital made me get a PFA. He filed for divorce but never gave me the paperwork so I'm stuck in limbo. I also found out he LIED to me about sooo much . I don't want to be alone and I miss the NICE man I met before his mask fell off and the rage was directed at me. I still cry and actually have broken no contact and he never responds. His aunt says he hates me for the PFA. I am really struggling w depression and anxiety and the dread of living alone the rest of my life because the grief and shock is awful. Everyone here seems so well adjusted and better after leaving the narc. I cry every day for 17 weeks now. I am an empty she'll lost in this world now. I have done things alone and see happy couples and that makes me sad. Thank God I have a dog. How do you ever trust again?? I just don't see it as possible after what I've experienced.
@@pepercamcleaningllc505 It takes time, it is a difficult journey, get the help, counseling support you need. You deserve to be safe and away from someone causing you pain and fear. You have experienced severe trauma, it takes time to heal. In Time you will be thankful you are away from the abuse. Wishing you the Best.
@@wildhorses6817 Thank you for the encouragement. It's not easy for sure.
@@pepercamcleaningllc505 have you seen a counselor? even if you can only go once or twice it is helpful. I could only pay for a coupleof sessions and had to stop but it was still so helpful. That NICE man you miss was never real. It was a role he played to get what he wanted. That was hard for me to accept as well. I kept thinking if I could fix everything we could get back to that early happy time. Once the lightbulb went off and I realized that happy time wasn't real, it was all theater and therefore it could never come back. That made it so much easier.
It’s easier for some people to leave a narcissist. They might have better social networks, more family to lean on or better friends. When you are left literally alone after the discard it is earth shattering
I swear u post these right when we need them ,thank you ✨✨
I was alone for at least a decade, and I "finally" found my soulmate (narcissist). When she discarded me, I had gotten used to being with someone, and really missed her...but months after the discard, I'm able to get back to my self, and heal. It's difficult, but we all need to look within, and heal.
Dealing with my narcissistic mother always filled me with fear I'd lose my large extended family who often told me how lucky I was to have her as a mom. The series about generational narcissism really hit home for me. Sometimes what looms larger than my fear of being alone, is my fear of letting people too close to me. I have a hard time trusting that people will actually be there for me or care for me genuinely without strings. I'm so used to being gaslighted and minimized while told how ungrateful I am that kindness sometimes feels false. I wish for more closeness with people but the legacy of conditional love makes it difficult to trust people.
what has helped me is immediately whisper or walk to another room and say out loud - it's important to voice it - but call it what it is. Ex. "That was projection, that is their problem, that's not mine to bear" or " I don't recieve that lie/ I don't deserve that nor will i take that on" I have felt this really helps me.
I don't think I had this kind of narcissist, I think mine was infinitely worse. But, I am so carried away by how you can zero in on a narcissist like you have a drop of his blood under a microscope. like you have a petri dish with a narcissist in it. 🤑 I am so glad you're out there for us because I enjoy these videos even though some of it does not apply to me anymore. I can help somebody else with information helpful to them
Alone and loving it for the first time in 30 years. Im in control and freeeee! 😊
Dr. Ramani, I am so grateful for all you do to help those of us who have endured longstanding narcissistic abuse. Your book Should I Stay or Should I Go? was one of my many resources. With the help of a very competent therapist and the support of my adult children and close friends, I realized what I needed to do. On April 1, 2019, I filed for divorce and left my husband of 52 years while he was out at an appointment. So at 72 I faced the fact that I would be living alone for the first time in my life. And during this pandemic, I realized I was better off living alone than being miserable in a lonely and abusive marriage.
Gosh these titles are all speaking to me. Thank you Dr Ramani for your timely daily uploads, they’re remarkably helpful.
I’m over it. Now, I’m alone and I love it. I just want to be empowered financially so I can retire, withdraw, and disappear and be alone more and better.
Just what I needed to hear. Thought I was the only one who felt stuck because of the fear of being alone, and I felt crazy for feeling this way. I suppose I'm not the only one after all. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Yes i had that fear when i was in the relationship even though i was deeply unhappy and exhausted the fear remained. Its so much better to be able to please yourself than to keep trying the impossible and please the narc
Joining the closed NPD abuse survivors' groups on Facebook have been immeasurably validating, enlightening, comforting, uplifiting and healing.
That feeling of the day starting out great and knowing it'll end great too...gold dust. No more fear of them ruining it.
When you're in the relationship, the narcissist will isolate you from everyone. It's practically up to them whether you are alone or not. However, once you're out, being alone is something in your control. It's up to you.
I understand that it's not easy to go back into the world, and that you're not completely the same person again after getting out of this hellhole.
But at least I find it helpful and freeing to think about it this way.
3 super toxic narc relationships in past - with my narc parents who talk to me as if I was their slave (do this, do that, nothing nice or polite) and later two narc men...
but now! it is 4th year in a very loving and caring relationship and it is so amazing, I can do whatever I want, I have support for my opinions and hobbies even if they are different from his, he loved me slim, he loves me obese (Im trying to loose weight now), he can listen to me talking about my toxic childhood for hours and never says "stop, you are boring", he was the first person to know about it and never said, it is not true; he believes me, he believes in me... it is a blessing! I love him so much and I feel everyday how much he loves me. He shows me everyday!
That is exactly what I tell myself... "It isn't that bad." & then when all hell breaks loose.... " I'd rather die than stay here."
What a mess.😞
I left the narc 4 years ago and never looked back. I was single for over 3 years. That time was much needed to do some self work and healing. I found that I loved being alone. What a surprise! Then, I met someone who is wonderful. I knew deep in my heart, that intimate relationships did not have to be hellish. I was right... Just takes the right person. So worth the wait. What I wanna know is where was she 20+ years ago??? Ugh!
Be happy that you have found her 😉 20+ years ago you might had not been prepared for such a relationship. I wish you all the best 🍀
I am in this right now. It is so painful, thank you for this beautiful channel.
Hi Dr Ramani, I come from a narcissist family , but I ended with a very empathic partner, and besides you know all the problems we are living with the pandemic we have a very peaceful home with respect , and love for each other, and support thank you for your channel because it gives answers and make sense for things of my past and a better understanding gives me more capacity to understand and be patient and don’t blame it on myself
A lil early to comment and yet to watch your video. But we eagerly watch your videos and truly appreciate your observations. Keep sharing your good views, God bless you 💐
I love being alone. Freedom to do whatever I want. Eat what I want, wear what I want, go where I want. I have headspace to think my own thoughts and experiment with finding new hobbies and volunteering 2 jobs I love. I also have amazing friends. Not lonely at all 🙏❤️
Dr. Ramani, I’m a 43 year old Indian woman that immigrated to the US about 16 years ago with my Indian husband who immigrated with me. On listening to your videos, a new world opened up to me and I could make some sense of my relationships in my family of origin and even now. Now it isn’t as cut and dry since as you may very well know, Indian and Asian cultures are very bound by expectations and norms that make it very easy to disguise narcissistic behavior for the covert narcissist. The cultural norm or dogma of respecting elders, not talking back can just be used perfectly. There are also no clear boundaries you can establish which are crucial to guarding your sense of self. I don’t think I have the luxury of entirely cutting myself off from any of this behavior. I would like to know what advice you have for people that do not have the choice of removing themselves from these relationships.
Growing gardens again, painting again, sculpture's again. Investments in education again. So peaceful. Building my relationship's with my children.
I do feel the slow constant pain of being alone and lonely. I also feel it will always be like that. Did anybody over 55 here get lucky and found a new (kind) relationship after the abusive one?
Hi Richard, I feel you and empathize with you. I’m older as well and feel that way too sometimes, the nights are the worst. But I remind myself to stay calm, to find that stillness and inner peace, that core of me that will keep me grounded, knowing that life will evolve and good things will emerge, as long as you stay true to yourself.
That's a good question. But actually being alone looks better to me than being alone while with my neglectful narc spouse...
@@birgittahjelmstedt8529 Thank you for replying and sharing.
The poor and suffering scapegoat. Wrote a song called scapegoat, my band is recording it now lol... but my spin is the goat didn't die and he returns to give back what doesn't belong to him.
I wrote one called “flowers over the fence”lol
My spin was it wasn’t the flowers fault they were so beautiful 😎
Watching these videos and reading the comments is so therapeutic. Thanks, Doc, and thank you guys.
When I was leaving my narc, decided if I have to end up in shelter will choose over my toxic relationship. I never worked before, but starting school this summer at the age of 47.
This really ties into the learned helplessness (and the anxiety that comes with it). It is hard to see outcomes that are good when you are trained to not even look at those options that could help with some of it.
I feel fortunate that I have come to embrace my solitude. It is so much nicer than "lonely".. which is how I used to feel all the time. It is why I accepted so much abuse though, and for so long. I didn't think I was worthy of someone who was a better fit with me, so the chances were low I would find someone like that and ignored a number of clear red flags, even clear to me at the time.
Being alone gives me more time for self care too.. and when you are healing you need a lot of that in your life. Meditation has been incredibly helpful, and before I had a room of my own, I could not carve out time for it. I have also been able to dabble in various arts and subjects of scholarly interest that I did not want to attempt under the watchful eye of my "roommate" as it brought up a lot of anxiety. I don't even like taking a shower when he in in the house. Alone has many more pros than cons for me currently. :)
I'm free of my narcissist and I'm married to the most wonderful man now. He is so attentive and thoughtful. He genuinely cares about me! I'm so glad that I got out, healed, and waited for this man of mine!
I was afraid of being alone or the idea of him being with someone else (replacing me) for the longest time... then I realized I felt alone when he was in the same room and he cheated on me relentlessly... so I was being “replaced” while I was in the relationship. Once I relized that... the only real fear was having to start over from groud zero.
Thank you for the video on neglectful narcissist. I have been alone for a long time. Buti went thru what you talk about and now use observe don't absorb. There hasnt been word salad or acting out for 3 months. If she acts up i walk away. If she asks i say. If you are dismissive of me,i will be dismissive of you. She knows that im serious. I was offered a promotion and the day i told her she at time was staring at me quietly. I picked up on her feeling insignificant.
Dr Ramani, thank you! I’m currently recovering from a major spine reconstruction surgery in a California nursing home for the part 3 weeks where I’m also recovering from Covid as one of the unfortunate spikes all because I LITERALLY was broke up and kicked out on to the street with my daughter. He is moving to Florida. Only NOW he calls and texts 10 times a day telling me how much he loves me and how he can’t wait to fly me out to see him. Sending me pics of the beaches and restaurants we will be visiting and homes to look at for “late on” after my girl graduates next year acts like all of this was something we planned together! As if he never dumped me. As if I’m NOT living in a homeless hotel awaiting transitional housing... he behaves like we are a loving couple. My birthday was a week ago and he sent a dozen roses to the nursing home I’m in and he just continues to fill my days with how much he loves me! I’m begging to weaken in my stand. I had turned a page and was totally prepared to leave this facility and begin my new existence as a single mom and i was actually feeling ok about it. Financially, I can’t go no contact. I need his help. I still have a credit card he gave me a long time ago for gas and anything else I may urgently need... and being on welfare... Im probably going to continue needing it to cover car insurance etc. He is also giving my daughter his car when he actually leaves for Florida. (Waiting for escrow) I have to continue to play along with his future faking game but it is very difficult to remember that he is only playing a game. Because when cornered, he will not recommit to the relationship. He only says we will “play it by ear.” I imagine narcs are famous for that line. Anyway, I’m working so hard to keep play along with his game but the hard part is remembering IT’S ALL A TACTICAL GAME OF MANIPULATION and to not allow my heart to get dragged back into it. You have taught me all about the narc and I know there will never be a future with him that doesn’t involve living in daily fear that I will be on the street again there next time I try to lay down s boundary. So my point is, how do I keep myself from getting my heart sucked back in? I’m 56yo and my career is over after a severe spine injury. I can walk etc don’t get me wrong, I just can’t work anymore. So I really am afraid of living alone forever. I have nothing to bring to the table. I know the first thing people say to me is that I’m pretty... well pretty doesn’t mean a damned thing. I have no job and I’m living in the ghetto with no hopes of finding a new job/skill that any employer would risk hiring me for. I’m a liability and I need accommodations. No one will hire me. I literally have nothing to bring to the dating table. I can’t even buy myself clothes I’m so poor. I’m trying very hard NOT to use that credit card so I’m prepared for the day he cancels it during a disagreement. Please guide in how to GO THROUGH the ending of the relationship if you got discarded yet still need his help. I’m so stuck!
You’ve described my mother and how she treated me and interacted with me perfectly. I don’t think most people would describe her as a narcissist but she is.
Despite having been on my own for years before our relationship he made me think I relied on him, that I was weak and he afforded me this life. I realized I had a career, bought the house with him and had been taking care of my young children pretty much alone. I decided to leave 9 months ago. Although I almost went back a few times, I am happier. My house is so much cleaner. He was a slob.
I went through that with an individual who may have Borderline Personality Disorder (refuse treatment) plus being narcissistic, wanting to dominate any relationship. I left the relationship because my boundaries were being tested all the time.
It's not that I wanna be alone. I just want peace. I don't identify with culture. Nothing in it interests me but not because I'm depressed. I am surely depressed or maybe this is peace. But, knowledge has ended for me. I watch your videos regularly. They are very soothing.
Yes this is SPOT ON!!! Even someone who was independent, capable, cheerful
I think even more sad is not looking at all at how a narcissistic relationship is affecting you. THAT is lonely! You're in a lonely world suffering abuse, having physical symptoms of insomnia and anxiety caused by your narcissist, fearful of what you might find if you examine your loneliness and your narcissist. Been there! Glad to be NOT doing that anymore!
Although I’m afraid of being alone, I’m even more afraid of not being able to financially make it on my own and ending up on the street. I honestly don’t think I would ever consider another relationship. It’s not something I can see myself doing.
I grew up in a narcissistic home. To escape the situation at home I eloped with my (narcissistic)husband when I was 19 years old. I was unaware of narcissism until a few years ago when I returned to college to complete my bachelors degree. Despite earning my degree and graduating with honors, I feel like I’m still stupid and worthless. My husband has always insisted that I stay home with the children. I have been home for 19 years. I have a degree, but no work experience. I have lifelong severe anxiety and depression, and other debilitating health issues. All but one of the three children are grown and on their own. The third is an older teen. My husband won’t allow her to obtain her driver’s license or have a car. I’m approaching my 50th birthday and I feel that my youth was squandered in just surviving day to day life. My counselor is pushing me to go against my husband, consequences be damned, but I’m terrified as I don’t have a viable support system, no money and no place to go. Maybe being alone would be better, but if that means I end up homeless then I don’t know...
You know your problem lies where your finances are.. I suggest you prepare your finances.. Save money while living with your husband.. Spend more time with your children than your husband.. Have an honest conversation with them about how you feel in your marriage.. Your children are adults and probably smart people.. Be careful not to pain him as a bad person just highlight your feelings. They'll understand because they probably feel the same way, not as intensely tho.. Look for a job any, I suggest you apply for jobs related to your course and other jobs maybe in retail, that may not be your worth but it'll put some money in your pocket..
If you live in the US, try going to the EDD website & apply for "pandemic emergency insurance" , people that don't qualify for regular unemployment ( I can send link if you can't find it) if you qualify you it might be a little help/motivation to move on (what I'm doing)
Being alone gives you space to figure out what you want and go for your dreams. It is useful for a time -- until you find like-minded people.
Lots of people will make your doubt yourself (your hopes and dreams) or require you to conform to the group so that you can be included. They'll have a number of seemingly logical reasons for why you can't achieve this or that. But they've adapted a pessimistic mindset by default.
The key is to find those few people who are on a similar path, otherwise you end up sabotaging yourself because of a yearning to belong. Quality over quantity as they say.
Yes I did initially would have had waves of feeling lonely, a day I took out the two mugs to make tea & realised that one cup had to go back in the press!! I now reflect back & think of how that simple gesture upset me. It took many years of being baited, loved bombed, a car bought for me when my other car had broken down. I lost count of the many break ups & make ups that occurred. Until finally I stated to socially interact with new people. Had a very happy part time relationship with someone from another Country. I remember that feeling of being respected & so much gratitude & genuine compliments, i was in total awe of those words. The flowers, the grocery shopping & he availing of so many bargains of groceries for myself & my children, when that financial crash happened & maintenance stopped. Taken out for dinner. Just meeting up to have a coffee. Dancing again & just feeling so happy. Hopefully I sincerely hope that members of our beautiful community will read this & know that yes, there are kind & good people out there & that you can do this, take the risks of going out & socialising once again. That there is life, love, joy & freedom after narcissistic abuse. Again dr Ramini thank you for being there for all of us & your ever so precious videos 🙏
I swear Dr. Ramani’s is some type of psychic- angel because I go through something, look her up, and boom, new vid!
For me being free of this relationship is like opening a window and letting air in. I’m in a time of my life that I should be thinking about retiring. He would tell me how afraid I should be. I’m not saying leaving is for everyone but yes get support and doing those things you love EVERYDAY! Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or who you are. You are unique and your life is a gift! You’re never alone!
Wow can’t say I am exactly surrounded by anyone but immediate family. And it’s hard. But through therapy and these videos and making deliberate decisions about who I want around me, I can say it’s a little easier this time. And I know in the future I’ll find those people. Who don’t criticize. Who are spiritual. Who aren’t so polarized and radical.