Worst part of it all ....is trying to explain to people what just happened to us and the level of abuse because of embarrassment of how could we let this happen. As a result we grieve & recover in silence
Don't bother trying to explain to people what just happened cos they will not / never understand it if they haven't experienced it. It would be like telling them you've seen a UFO🛸
Yeah I feel you. I'm so so sorry for the fact we not only go through this yet there's no healing community beyond this really. Nobody gets it. The hell of getting out... Just wow.
I hear you about the embarrassment. I'm so humiliated that she duped me, not once but twice. No one gets it unless they have had it happen to them. But I understand how you feel and I'm sorry this happened.
Do you think that just because it was found to be a lie, that it hurts less when there's a break-up? NO! It hurts more because you're grieving two things instead of one. If you haven't been through it, you can never know what it feels like when you find out that after 15, 25, 50 years with someone, the whole thing was a lie. All the holidays, babies being born, vacations, date nights, good times, bad times, growing together, making love together... Maybe adopted people who find out as an adult that they were adopted, could somewhat understand the feeling. Don't brush this topic off, like it's not relevant or important. Unless it's happened to you, you can't understand what living in a lie does to you, mentally. It's hard to grasp that the person you loved, was lying to you for 15 years (or however many). Okay, have you seen "The Truman Show" with Jim Carrey? Here's a short synopsis: He doesn't know it, but everything in Truman Burbank's (Jim Carrey) life is part of a massive TV set. Executive producer Christof (Ed Harris) orchestrates "The Truman Show," a live broadcast of Truman's every move captured by hidden cameras. This is the kind of mind f*#k we're talking about when a Narcissist leads you down a path of lies. You start to not trust anything, or anyone, but inside, you are crumbling. Instead of having a cement foundation, you get a foundation made up of a web of lies and deceit. Who wouldn't get a little sideways when they finally found out? This is a very big deal! And the kids he or she decided to make with you, well he or she was a fake parent to them, like he or she was fake with you. This is a whole lot more serious than people think it is. Someone did some long-term brainwashing to you. The consequences are devastating!
@@staciecarlson191 like wasting so much of life..or rather like waking up after years of being 'asleep'. But we were hypnotized. Groomed to swallow that crap. But.. We are the many that made it out alive. I'm sure there are many that didn't make it out - that perhaps, took their own lives as a result of such soulish evil.
I agree 100%. Always said that. Much easier to move on. Especially when you have a child with the narcissist and have to be in contact. It’s sheer torture for you and your child.
This happened in a longstanding friendship. I didn't want to admit to myself how long I had put up with abusive treatment by my "best friend" and finally had to end it, which sent her into a tailspin of victimhood and "how could you?" You don't expect to discover that your friend, whom you treated like a sister, turned out to be frighteningly like your own birth sister (an extreme narcissist). I did feel grief, but a lot of it came out of the fact that any real connection died years ago. I just kept trying to make it work.
I have always agreed with that! Death is physical and it happens to every one but if someone chooses death either physically or killing a relationship by choice is so much harder to deal with for me.
@@marysarianides8150……Yeah, basically I wasted my life away, living an illusion. When we would be going through trials and hard times, ie., job losses, deaths of friends, etc., I used to think, well, at the end of my life, at least I’ll have my wonderful memories of the good times we had….no one can take those away from me. Well, here I am…..and I’ve picked through the memories…..looked back down the corridor of time…..and realized…..it was all based on lies…..a fantasy. I didn’t realize how much I sugar-coated things just to survive.
I look at old photos of young me, and feel sorry for her. She's sweet kind and very well intentioned. And she has no idea of the course her life will take.
Yes, but friend. Please don’t let it end there. Don’t let people paint you black, you’re still golden. And those things you mentioned, you still very well are. ❤️
The realization that the red flags have been there but you ignored it and that you cling to that toxic relationship for such a long time. The pain of realizing that you have been making excuses and kept going back to the relationship even if the relationship destroys your physical health, mental health, and strips away everything within you.
I find it hard to forgive that version despite it trying it was doing the best it could with what it felt and knew. Because of my trauma my statement in court came out bad, I was disbelieved and not only the abuser got his name cleared publicly but the courts helped him (them) with ruining my whole reputation wherever I go forever was granted that to follow me around through the whole system in short, making my life forever hell just for the reward for surving so many years of abuse. This world is injust no end. Im too tired to tell or my story believed, they got me so scared to tell or speak up. ... And then the hero "narcissist" came along, dug deep into my emotions and broke me at the core. Despite going through extensive and extreem abuse I always had a kind and empathetic heart for everyone moreso, but after him... thats the last time I can feel I can cope with love or trusting another human being again. I hate that I feel his bitterness has dig his tendrils deep into me and although I can never be truely unloving person, but I feel like I cant do that anymore, to protect myself etc... but he took all that was left of childhood dream happiness or slight flame of hope in me, I dont want love, and I thought Nobody could ever make me feel that... when all I used to want was to love deeply and love in return.. now myself feel love is yucky, just like he did, and I couldnt understand it back then.. trauma hard lesson factually and the fear of risking being in such an emotional vulnerable position of destruction brought apon you suddenly, and nearly 2 years and still physically and emotionally havnt truely find my footing... so how can one risk love for that.. when it felt so 100% true to me. I made so many sacrifices to have. So sorry and sad for anyone that went through this type of experience. Dont know how we do it. 🤐😥
It is so eye opening!! I never knew that I actually put it upon myself because of childhood trauma! I didn’t know until my narc shattered me into pieces! I kind of thank him for that otherwise my life would be completely orchestrated by my subconscious and I wouldn’t figure out why I am the way I am!!
@Shawn Robins ^yes! And with the desire to show you’re unscathed, and appear to move on happily, you’re faking it to make it, and not allowing yourself to fully grieve...although it’s quite overwhelming when you face it and do.
forgiving does not mean you forget. that's the issue. I can forgive plenty for lots of irrational behaviors, nobody promised me a rose garden, yet laws must do more to protect women and children. There are laws regarding having to get a carbon monoxide detector, but there are no babysitters to check if they actually installed it or where they old enough to regard laws? Should Mothers need to swoop down on their broomstick? That's not me either, what other option are you willing to offer?
Agreed grieve what you believed is very hard the worst hurt and grieving who you are and what you could have been if it hadn't been the case and YES forgiving YOURSELF .. not them as one therapist suggested to me! 🙏✌️🤗
@Shawn Robins the only instinctive response to hurt them back is pretend it didn’t break you...that life goes on and they’re insignificant... but that facade can be held for so long. Being a strong base for our children is motivating, but we must give ourselves the love that we desperately need after this. There is such a hit to our soul. I agree with you, the general consensus from those who have no idea such a relationship can happen is to “get over it by now.” I can’t even express how helpful Dr.Ramani and everyone who shares their experiences on TH-cam has been.
Mine could look me straight in the eyes while I had proof in black a white in front of us and blatantly lie. It was the most discombobulating feeling!!
Dolce that's actually what scares me about toxic people.. especially the extremely toxic ones... I remember one time this toxic person was lying about something and I had evidence of it.... and I pretended to play stupid the entire time just to see how good they are at lying... it really scares me...
I couldn’t agree more! You cannot ever get the truth out of these evil people. I’d have proof in my hands showing him, and he’d still deny it. Worse is he’d not only lie straight to my face, but start a bunch of psycho-babbling about nothing at all that made any sense, and try to talk over me. It was sheer crazy making shit! I was so at a loss for words with his tactics. I’m glad be free of it now.
Once I accepted my ex never loved me in the first place, I could move on and accept that everything else was a lie. It was a really tough pill to swallow.
I actually told my ex that I knew he never loved me he was just using me for his supply. He ghosted me as I knew he would, but I felt so much better letting him know I knew the truth and what he was.
Looking at the old pictures and knowing I was not happy, yet still believed that things would improve in the future is the worst and most embarrassing part.
Oh yes, old pictures of "the good times", just underscores the pain of waking up to the reality that it was, for the most part, just a projection, a lie without any emotional foundation in truth
I agree with you. I'm feeling like a complete fool, too. Even after the raging and some physical abuse, the flirting and lying, deep down, we still hang on to a hope that they really do care. I'm done. I am trying to live in reality, now.
Tomorrow is my 73rd birthday and I m finally Free! Financially fine, health fine, lots of female friends young and old, a gr8 son and daughter in law and two diverse grandsons whom I adore...I m OK!
Congratulations! Cheers 🥂 🍾 Everyone that is able to escape and claim their life back….. it’s truly something to celebrate! The recovery can be a bit overwhelming at times but as long a you know, believe and/or remind yourself that you’re much better off, it can be exhilarating!
Relationship with a narcissist is like building a home on an earthquake prone street on top of quicksand foundation. No matter how beautiful the home appeared, it was doomed to collapse because it’s foundation wasn’t stable. So to is manipulationship with a narcissist. The only way to recover is to take it day by day . Get out and enjoy nature . Be grateful you are alive especially with a raging pandemic . To finally pray with all your heart , everyday to our Lord. Remember, anything the narcissist builds , they will end up destroying.
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I hope you are well. I take it day by day. There are good days and bad . But when one deals with the Devil , it leaves a mark on you for life.
You could never explain to another person what a narcissist has done to you. They look at you as if you're not making any sense. They don't understand unless they've been through it.
And then we look bitter and bitchy for speaking our truth. Unless anyone has walked in our shoes, you just really don't get it sadly. It can be an isolating journey.
This is why I don’t like looking at pictures from my past. I look at the picture and I don’t actually see the photograph, I see what was happening behind the scenes. I see my eyes and I know the backstory, so I don’t look at pictures anymore. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of these videos. They are life-changing.
@@thintwin48 It’s nice to know we are not alone... I have been sharing my story on Facebook on a public page, and in life to let people know they are never alone like I thought that I was for so many years of Hell. The very least we can do is to let people in the middle of the storm know that it won’t last forever, even if we think it will at the time. ❤️
Spot on. I can see the cycles and some of the photos clearly show the struggle. Other photos show the objectives of the narcissist... everything is only a tool to validate them.
Realizing you were duped is extremely hard to deal with. I keep going over everything in my mind and wishing I'd handled things differently. I forgave the bad behaviour but he saw my forgiveness as permission... I ultimately think nothing between us was real, he was just happy to take and take, which is a crushing reality to accept.
Know that there will be some karmic retribution coming his way at some point. It happened to my ex after he comfortably settled into his gloating that he'd gotten not one but many over on me. Thanks to his lies I was ostracized by his family, but yet they still blamed me for actually having the gall to complain about his narcissistic abuse. What a pack of nutjobs my ex inlaws were....and likely still are !
I feel you there. I gave my ex a second chance after he cheated on me and used hard drugs. Surprise surprise, he did it again. Except this time he used our savings on prostitutes while I was at work. I can’t believe I trusted him again. The worst part is the lie after lie even with proof. He said he found drugs in the bathroom. They’re not even good lies. The stupid part of me still wants him back. I know logically not to do it. I’m so messed up from this relationship.
You paint a picture in your head of what you wanted them to be. But there dark moments, that gut feeling you have, the emptiness you see in them. That’s the real them.
37 years of living with a covert narcissist. The confusion. The self blame. The erosion and ultimate loss of self. I didn’t even know what the term narcissist meant until I began listening to you. This post made me weep uncontrollably- but the healing is beginning - thank you - you are my hero.
Going through this right now. I'm 35 and my doctor mom (72) is a Malicious Covert Narcs. My brother (41) and sister (38) are sided with her. (Vul Narc and Cerb. Narc)I'm discarded / black sheep / scapegoat. She (Mom) has blames 100 years of her families problems on my shoulders. And she's only 72. I tried setting family therapy up this Monday and it just exploded back in my face. (Trying to talk with brother and sister again) Now the police say that I was "harassing" them for therapy. So very much no contact now. Doctor Mother is hoovering hardcore... Stay Safe and Heal!
I 100% get where you’re coming from. The decades of this abuse is almost unbearable. Hugs and many blessings to you. You are amazing and deserve all great things in life.
I read your post, and was blown away cuz its like you wrote it about me. I been married for 38 years and my husband I believe is a Covert Narcissist from what I am learning. we have been separated for 2 years because of his cheating, I was actually considering giving him another chance, I think this makes 7 or 8 maybe 9 times. But I just found out last week he has unblocked a woman he cheated on me with and started talking to her knowing how I would feel... I can't keep doing this, I am done. I am 58 years old and always said I was only getting married once, its going to be lonely but I can't keep having my heart broke time and time again, and from what Dr Ramani says, My husband doesn't care my heart is broke, He is only worried about his entitlement and getting his supply . I sure hope he is happy with his choice.
I did 20 years with a covert narcissist. I'm 3 years out but the varying abuses has only recently hit me. I'm so ill I'm bedbound. He robbed who I was, how capable I was, my career, my hopes and dreams. I don't know how to heal myself from the hell I endured thats left me feeling so unsafe I can't function. I don't self-care, I withdrew from the world and hide in fear. The fear won't go and its killing me :/
Exactly. Digging through the rubble of post narcissistic abuse we come across so many reminders of good times that were undamaged, as well as the charred remains of things utterly destroyed. As I crawl through the destruction of what remains of myself, I've learned that even if I find a remnant that has escaped direct damage from my 'relationship' I'm not feeling as much joy at having found something undamaged as I feel I should. I want to gingerly and lovingly set it aside on a pile that I created to start a new life with so I can rebuild with what should be familiar things; but I'm struck by how little comfort that pile now gives me. I don't know whether I just don't trust my ability to make good choices any more?...or if the undamaged things I found in the rubble that I hope to use as a foundation for starting over aren't in fact things that are responsible for how I 'Got-Got' so badly in the first place. *shrug* At this point 3 months out of 4.5 years of her past insanity all I can do is one day at a time and keep studying and learning. Self forgiveness is elusive but I think I'm gaining on it. Thank you Dr. Ramini. This session with you and it's theme has arguably been the most timely and impactful in my recovery.
Yes, even therapists don’t get it. I have literally wasted many hours on therapists that say they know about narcissism but really don’t. You wind up reliving it over and over. I get much more from Dr. Ramani than I have any therapist. Thank-you Dr. Ramani!❤️
Blessings to you all✨ Allow yourself to feel, it is how we will heal. This video made me cry, so much loss. I believe in time, the best is yet to come.
Generally we FEEL that something is wrong, even during the "good times" with narcs--it's an uneasy feeling--even when they are smiling in front of us, snapping pictures with us, or otherwise trying to look as if they are with us in the moment. We know that their energy is off, but we try to keep things moving. Ironically, the narc will eventually do or say something upsetting that will confirm our gut feelings and then turn around and blame us for not knowing how to have a good time.
Yes, and although you mentioned it to people they always were charmed over by my x. In the end, I was too scared to mention anything for I was always portrayed as guilty.
Spot on. The unease was there and grieving about what happened ...the hardest part was the decent times ...and yet ...my gut was always off even when narc was in a good mood. There was unease and fear and I was blamed for feeling this way. I never wanted to travel with them knowing deep down I wasn’t safe. I was blamed for that too. Being told I was anxious and a small timid mouse. Now I cannot wait to travel again like I did before narc and my body in last two years has unwound tremendously. I don’t have anxiety or feelings of terror. Confusion is a big topic but does anyone else notice how much your the one told your confusing. You spend a lot of time trying to explain abs reason when they say nicely they are confused. Then years in you realize the message was “you never make sense “ and the gaslight damage of losing voice. Good news is -awareness is refreshing. The other - our lost years are not lost. They were narc university PHD level training. We needed that and now we need to help others. If we didn’t need the Doctorate we would have not been enrolled. Now we have the experience. We are wiser. And wise people can see it on our feces and narcs can no longer bother us here or life beyond. We haven’t lost time. We have gained wisdom.
In the beginning - It's like finding the most sincere kindest person in the whole wide world. They are nice and gentle. They are affectionate. They will cuddle you and hold you. A couple months in you will notice that they seem to lack in the intimacy department but you will dismiss that to shyness. They will mimic/mirror your style of communication & you the entire time (which goes unnoticed until they become distant with you & use new words). I learned that If you express intimate emotions they will say “I feel the same way for you too or I would do the same thing for you or I love you just as much or I'm glad to hear that.” Which feels insincere and robotic. However you might dismiss that to shyness or inexperience expressing feelings (even tho they could be gorgeous & clearly experienced with women). They will never voluntarily just express their love for you in their own words and say how much they love or miss you. Very rarely will you get an “I miss you" or ” love you" for no reason at all. You will wonder why? Like do they have any feelings? So, you find yourself working harder to make them feel more safe & more loved in hope's that they provide that love back to you. It's easy to dismiss them withholding as a lack of trust or insecurity because they seem so nice. You will look for logic in behaviors and with Coverts there is never any logic which will lead your further down a rabbit hole creating confusion. In time you will start to doubt your own perception of what you see and lack the clarity to see the abuse. You will have more anxiety, lack inner peace & feel tired. Your physical appearance might change where you either gain or lose weight. You struggle to keep yourself at peace. Its exhausting. By now, you have became an expert at everything they like. You take on all the chores and make their life as easy as possible. You feel isolated too b/c they kept you “away". You feel so confused b/c you worked so hard to break down their walls in hopes of a more consistent close bond with them. One day they seem really into you and the next they withhold affection. It's hard trying to figure out what is wrong. The more you vocalize your feelings the more they encourage you with their words that everything is ok. You certainly don't feel “ok" but you make peace with it the best you can and start “withholding” your feelings too b/c they have made you feel like your “too" sensitive and it's too much! Most of the time it will feel like they are present in the flesh but nothing else is going on inside them. Even after all this time you've been together you still feel like you don't really know them. If you happened to gain the courage at a later time to ask more questions as to why things still feel off they will say your being insecure & that they aren't cheating and make you feel like you have issues. If you cry they will watch tv, stare at their phone or even continue to eat dinner. They won't ever give you all their undivided attention & acknowledge your pain. Which makes you more confused bc their actions doesn't match their words. They won't look at you while you cry, they seem like it causes them shame to see you cry. At times you might feel like your having to teach them about feelings as if they were a child. You will wonder why their emotional intelligence seems very immature/off. Everything they have is something you also don't have access too. Their family, phone, friends, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit card statements, and etc. You will start off feeling like they are very private or insecure & years in it now feels like they are super secretive b/c it makes no sense for them to still be so private. They promise things that they don't see through or conveniently feel bad or forget everything that is important to you. They will isolate you and hide their relationship with you. When you express that something about what they are doing isn't right then they act like they lack understanding and that they do nothing to hurt you. You will always be explaining everything and wondering why they just don't get it! They will even use apologies as a form of manipulation. (lack of empathy and no change to their behavior). You will always feel like you need to phone a friend to ask if your situation is normal because this person will give you $200 to pamper yourself but won't invite you to Christmas dinners or let you have access to their phone. They will leave/abandon/ghost you to say they are sleeping at a relative's house then on their way home they will offer to bring you breakfast or something from the store. Even their giving is a form of manipulation. They want to distract you with gifts to keep you off balanced from the emotional abuse they are putting you through. When you ask them why they didn't come home they will say they felt like you didn't want them around or etc. You will spend the entire relationship wondering how someone who seems like such a nice person can be so emotionally cold. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
Yes... And decisions based on someone else's pretext of what you shud decide but didn't even realize there was even another person voice beliefs and demands living in your head...✌️
That part! That's the hardest part for me.. I thought I was acting logically but I was asleep the whole time... Thank the good lord I'm free!! 1 week no contact...and I feel lighter already.
3 years from divorce, 4 years from separation, I haven’t figured out how to stop the ruminations yet. I feel so completely mind f’d. I think I am more angry with myself for not getting out sooner. . I am hoping that one day they will just stop. Been absolute no contact, but have young adult children. Wish I could move to the other side of the world...
I understand completely. 27 years, divorced 2 and this backtracking and ruminating is crippling some days. I am better and less foggy as I hope you are too!
When I was angry at myself for crying over someone's death, a very good friend said to me, you're not crying for what was, you're crying for what should have been... Wise words...
I'm sure it was profound for/to you, but without knowing more... Anyway, one thing I said to a former friend that I wished I would've paid attention to is, 'if you're always in someone else's support group then you're never in your own'. She was a covert narc.
@@lisarodriguez6966 understand that. My narc mother was depressed a few years ago and wanted my support, stupid me gave it until I was becoming suicidal being there for her.
@@jennyp4934 that's heart-wrenching. So she either didn't notice or saw it and was bolstered by how far you'd neglect yourself. It was that way with my mom.
@@lisarodriguez6966 my mother never sees anything other than herself. The eternal victim. My definition is the perpetrator and parasite, sucking the life out of others. Haven't seen her for over a year and I don't plan to. She's 86 and more miserable than ever and creating even more stories of her victim hood.
that's exactly how i feel now. I feel like i was just being used for companionship and sex, but that i never mattered as a person. that is their "love".
I really tried to get through to mine. He gave more honesty than I expected, but was unwilling to work on himself. His 'I love you' was to him - heartfelt - but what it really meant, he confessed, was 'I own you'
What hurt the most was realizing he never loved me. My entire 43 years with him was a lie. When people say, “he loved you in his own way”, I want to scream. “In his own way” looks and feels nothing like love. But finally accepting it was all a lie somehow makes it easier to move on. When I realized how sick he is and how my relationship was so one-sided, it makes it easier to get over it. We are trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who is grossly unhealthy. An impossible situation!
@@rusinhouston I do feel sorry for the fact that they don’t love themselves so they can’t love anyone. It would be awful. But they leave a path of destruction in their wake. We all have insecurities, but we don’t destroy others because of them.
Yeah..in their own way...like the same way they love their TV, their car, their favorite pack of chewing gum Sheesh. People who never experience this evil have no reference to stack it against They CANNOT relate, cannot compute.
@@rusinhouston oh there's emotions alright, but it's all about THEM and THEIR emotions. But Love..true love is foreign to them. You have to be able to have empathy and feel for another person
My ex and I were on vacation in Prague during my birthday. He sent pictures from our hotel and my birthday dinner to his second girlfriend. It took me years to get over this shit. What helped me was 1. going to therapy 2. focusing on my well being 3. making new memories. I traveled to 9 countries in one year. 4. I got rid of all bed influences in my life, mostly bad people. 5 I accepted that tings are tough and I had to give me a break from time to time 6. I was grateful that I don’t have to live with this monster anymore. 7. I had a goal and that was making myself happy without a man in my life. Thing got better.... eventually.
I'm so happy for you. Truly, learning how to find joy being by yourself can be the best medicine and also set you up for healthier relationships in the future.
My ex was constantly doing this. His 2nd wife was in prison because of drug related crimes and he was always sending her pictures from vacations we went on. He told me it was to make her feel better and I didn’t know what it was like to be in prison and I was being insecure and jealous.
Don't waste your time feeling guilty or embarrassed. None of asked for this, we only wanted to find love. As long as we learned a lesson and we don't repeat it, that is what matters. They are Masters. I call them "Hollow People." In my case he became dangerous. I am a respected professional and he made me feel like a second-class citizen. I am grateful for Dr. Doctor Ramani. Every time I went back, I listen to her and finally got the guts to finally leave for the last time. Thanks!
3 ปีที่แล้ว +315
I think the hardest part is to realize if you’re in a narcissistic relationship... there are so much doubt and confusion that you don’t see the truth and you’re scared of making a decision to move. You’re scared of being wrong.
Wowww! Hey guys this is me 5 months later after writing that comment above, and GUESS WHAT!?!?!? I ended up moving out a few months ago and all the confusion, uncertainty, fights, insecurity have disappeared! Of course it’s still not so easy in the beginning easy and I’m still recovering, but it was the best decision to make! Thanks Dr. Ramani, 6 months ago (April/2021) I had NO IDEA about this narcissist personality disorder and I was suffering, didn’t want to live life anymore, I am not even lying I was living a miserable and extremely sad life. I own you and your TH-cam team the biggest THANKS!!!! I rented my own apartment, I am making extra money to survive, and it’s not easy, but the peace I feel is priceless. We still share custody of our son, but so far it’s working. Thanks again for this amazing channel that was the reason why I was able to wake up!
@ Wow good for you! 21 years with him since I was only 19 I’m scared of the unknown but can’t keep living like this. I don’t even recognize him anymore!
3 ปีที่แล้ว +4
@@crystalcleveland756 hi 😌 I’m not gonna lie that’s everything is amazing now, it’s still not easy, but it gets better and better and you become this journey to get to know yourself. It’s priceless.
I have stopped watching for a while because it has become a trigger, the more I watch videos on narcism the more I felt anchored from the past, stuck in endless loop of rumination. But the title resonates and I just had to watch it. I am in a better place than 4 months ago . The rumination is still a daily battle, an hourly battle even, but I have learned to cope, thanks to Dr Ramani.
I can't watch too many vids from Doc Ramani or anyone else because it's triggering for me too, as well...I don't want to be stuck in that shit show, that downward spiral of "why didn't I?"
@@gowiththeflow3791 I take breaks now and then. It's "ok" to do that. As we heal, we need space to process each thing we're working on, so it's ok. I got over loaded with Dr. R. about a month ago. I'm back now, refreshed, and glad I am. Todays video is perfect for me, almost every word.
Don’t forget the grief of missed opportunities. For me, it’s the lost years when I could’ve been with someone who actually cared about me. I refused those opportunities because I was committed to the wrong person. Can’t find the right person wasting time with the wrong one.
Whoa. That’s my life. Mine was a police officer for 17 years .We dated on and off . He was older and I was dating others also. We had JUST started a relationship about two years before he was arrested and went to prison. I think of those 9 years I spent turning down dating opportunities while he was incarcerated. Because prison visiting takes time out of life. Driving . Standing in line. Visiting. Driving home . I was working, and visiting . THATS ALL. And after release , I ended it after 18 months. You can fill in THOSE blanks perfectly. I had to save myself. No experience in this life is wasted. I now take part in giving spiritual retreats on the inside for long term female offenders and on the outside for women who have incarcerated loved ones. Kairos Inside and Kairos Outside. To volunteer to help OTHERS saved my soul and grief and made sense of my time spent w a Narcissist. I am actually grateful for the experience . HOWEVER, I NEVER MARRIED. And now that I’m 57 and w the pandemic and all , I see WHY people get married!! LOL .. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD .. because my own mother is a Narc . Not a great example! Thankfully my dad was a wonderful man or I would be an even BIGGER MESS.
Realizing after 25 years that my mom is a covert narcissist is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. 2 years later and it still kills me inside every day. I’m trying to heal but it’s so hard to know that your entire life was a lie. She lead me in the wrong direction every step of the way, convincing me I was insane in the process. 25 years of bad decisions, bad habits and isolation trying to win my mothers love, only to find out that I never will. It feels like Im starting my whole life over as a toddler in an adults body. So many things I need to relearn because she was teaching me wrong.
I´m so sorry to hear that! i hope you find all the ressources you need to heal step by step! at first the knowledge of what happened feels like an extra curse on the already present pain, but it is also the thing has the power to set you free from the prison you were in. much love
I'm in the same boat. My mom forced me in to college and now I've graduated with a degree I don't want to use and serious debt, forcing me to have to move back in with her. I don't have anywhere else to go and she drained my savings account too. I've recently gotten a job and I'm hoping to save up and get myself out. Wish me luck. :) I hope that you will be able to carve a way out for yourself too. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
The narcissistic relationship is filled with loss and grief. After it’s finally over, you feel like you have lost so many valuable things. Time you’ll never get back, money that you could have saved, and the person you used to be are all lost due to something that was never real to begin with. It’s hard to grasp how one person can do so much damage, only to move on to the next target after they’re done with you. It’s just amazing that someone can be so heartless.
I can’t help but feel such sadness when I read how many years other commenters have spent in toxic relationships. I only spent 4 months with a Narc and just left. But the grief and deeply exhausting emotions I feel, I can’t imagine what you guys that spent YEARS must be going through. It scares me, actually. My heart goes out to you all. Sending my love everyone that has had to deal with this type of person. It’s so draining and difficult. 💓
31 years here & yes, it's devastating. I've been on the brink of ending it all several times. My best friend made me pinky promise not to & sometimes I rue that promise!! She has literally saved my life
27 years now, just realising what has happened. Unfortunately, it took a collapse of my health two years ago, for me to start looking into my life. So, I now have to repair my health, while going through everything that Dr. Ramani explains above and also finding a way to get out.
I am 24 and had been with my narcissist since I was 14. I watched two of your videos and left. I read your book and understood. Thank you so much for taking your time to do all of this at no cost.
Thank god you were able to get away with most of your life still ahead of you. When you're in your 60s when you finally figure it out, the dilemma is there's no easy way out. Huge sunk cost and for most people a divorce at that point would be financially catastrophic, and no time or ability for most people to rebuild retirement savings. I am so glad for you.
I think the most tragic is when a child is raised by a narc and thinks that everything is normal, including questioning their own thoughts/feelings/sanity. I've been grieving for over a year now - grieving the relationship that will never be possible with my narc parent, grieving the life and accomplishments I was not allowed to have because of them, grieving so, so many things. It should be criminal for children to be raised by narc parents. The damage that is done is tremendous and will follow that child for the rest of their life.
So true. All of it. It’s been about a year for me also. A year of ptsd I would say. Oddly, NOW I feel like I’m living in someone else’s life… I guess I’m still grieving the loss of the life I THOUGHT I had. Idk. It’s all very strange, isnt it? I’m grateful for hose who share their experiences here. Thank you, so much .
I understand thanks for sharing. I think the dv relationship I ended which was awful was easier to recover from, than now. I'm in my 50s and my Mother has been an Authorative malignant narcissist. My Sister is back to being the Flying Monkey. I am grieving and stagnant. It's abuse that others cant see.
I am so damaged. Both my parents. The realisation of what they are has hit me like a horror film. 53 yrs old and all the stuff they put in is suddenly coming out and it's a huge bowl of spaghetti. This was supposed to be my life.
That is how I was raised by a NARCISSISTIC father and older sister..I acted the same way until I was in my 30s and realized my life was unbearable. now at 64, I am terminally alone and understand WHY AS AN EMPATH I was so abused by everyone. Hurt people don't always hurt people. All I VF wanted to do was help heal the man who was hurting me. I failed terribly
letting go of him was the hardest part ever. It never been so hard to let go. I truly love(d) him and still wish deep down that he really isn't a narcissist. But I'm putting myself first and my sanity and staying away.
Y’all are all such strong women 💪 ❤️ keep going, respect yourself enough to walk away from someone whose sucking the life out of you day by day no matter how much you loved them. It’s time to take a stand and be the leader of your own life, you don’t need a partner to be happy with yourself!! Stay blessed y’all 😌🙏💖
@@Megdracula hormones, they play Satan savior complex. Beating u down then showing u a little love to cause u to be addicted to him. Start at a friend's for a few days and create a plan. Detox him out of your system.
Yes! The absurdity of it all. The crazy making, the word salad, the gaslighting, the flying monkeys.... they all could made into metaphors of alien, technology gone awry, false imagery. But the only thing that is real is our sense of betrayal. On my part, I’m working on adjusting my narcissist alarm, making sure is in good order, and on being the most uninteresting person in the world for the narc.
December 1, 2020 I was able to have a mental funeral for the man I THOUGHT he was and the woman I had become from being with him. That was the beginning of my healing.
@@sadiemoreno3642 Living my BEST life! My light is back, my peace is back. I'm stronger and wiser, and the peace is priceless! I will NOT give myself away ever again.
@@cloyewoods This is such a hope for me that survivors who with deep pain broke away the string of their abusive narcissistic relationships had gotten their lives back. For me, the date is August 01, 2022 and I am trying my best to not contact the narcissist again, regardless of how much I get the urge to prove him that he did wrong and he was emotionally abusive. I hope, I keep this consistency intact.
His marriage promise the day of our wedding, " I know that you have had a hard life, I am going to give you the best life". One year later, the mask came off and a devil appeared. I wanted out then. But 25 years later, tormented, manipulated, and then finding out his whole personality was a lie from the beginning. Now that we are older, I am still working out how to start a good life at 69 years old.
I can relate. While we were engaged, my narc wife told my mother "I will be the best daughter-in-law you ever had". Then we got married. Then she told my mother "You will never see our kids, you will never babysit for our kids"
I just turned 67 and have been free for almost a year after believing my life was going to be miserable forever. Well thank God he walked out, filed for divorce and bought me out of our home, all intended to punish me. What happened was he made me financially able to get my own place and go through a stressful divorce. Thank God it's over and I'm free of him. The hole he was digging for me, he fell into himself. He fell on his own sword. Start praying and believing that God will deliver you and He will. Now I trust only in the Lord.
@@Suzu52 please don't give up hope, Susie. I am not in the best of health, but I surely don't want him to be my caretaker lol. Nor do I trust that he would make the best decisions about anything else. Dear Lord, I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.
45 years, duped! Now I'm 65 years old. I guess that's all I get in this life, a big fat lie! So hard to comprehend and not blame myself. Breathtaking . . .
Married a younger man 36 years ago. Had a son with him. Because of all the trauma, my son had a complete breakdown at 21. He's still with me. He's a very sweet soul. My husband, goes for yrs. Being somewhat nice so I just stuck with him. The last year my husband started drinking again, doing drugs and became so verbally abusive i had to put him out recently.. I am left with very little income, a pile of debt, and total hopelessness. My husband has already hooked up with a much younger victim, smearing me and acting like the nicest person on earth. He's quite an actor. I am now 73 with very little hope for my future. Its devastating. I have been duped big time. The pain and regret is overwhelming.
@@marilynchapman1961 Oh, Marilyn! Your story is so similar to mine. Luckily, my "children" are adults now and have been my rocks. Sending you and your son hugs and healing!
I feel your pain, Vicki. It was all a big lie. Just shy of 49 yrs for me. Married him when I was 18. He died a year ago today. I just want to remind you of the freedom we feel now that we're liberated. The narc will never feel that freedom. Blessings to you.
Try to put urself first. Buy coffee cups with sayings about a great person u r. I buy them all the time now so my morning cup of coffee comes with an "atta girl"!
I kept questioning if he really is so toxic because there is the voice in my head telling me 'but he's always been there for you!'. Then I actually stopped to think about it. What has he actually DONE for me? All of the 'being there for me' has been future faking; it's all just been WORDS. Every little thing he actually did 'for me' came with enormous demands within days, sometimes hours of doing it.
Yes, I have this same problem too. "She was always there for you!" But I had to ask myself: "was she REALLY???" No, because it was all BREAD CRUMBING and duping you to think they were supporting you, but it's all BS and lies and manipulations, followed by gas lighting and crazy making.
I was just thinking about this yesterday, and I asked myself thr same question? What did he do for you? And why didn’t you see that he actually did nothing?.. it was all because he always stressed on the fact that HE DID and ALWAYS did things for me, at the end I believed his words not his actions :(
@@rou-ba6094 It's important we don't beat ourselves up for not recognising it sooner. Congratulate yourself on seeing it NOW! For all the years of not seeing it, there are people who did not see it for even longer. We're doing well to see it at all! Big hugs, you're on the path to recovery and healing! 🤗
When you are a genuine person, you don’t even consider it’s ppl out there that can deceive on this devilish level. It’s only now do we know these ppl exist. It changes how you look at ppl going forward.
Yes! Their mood swings are the worst - never knowing if you were going to get the mean version of them, or the (fake) "nice" version. So very draining . . .
Gosh she is so smart. I am 8 months out from living under this person and things just get clearer and clearer. My headaches have even gone away. I rarely need naps anymore. Even my physical health is improving.
Agreed. All that negativity I got blamed for having disappeared. I stand taller. I laugh and smile more. I've even lost a good bit of weight. Getting away from the narc is freeing. Life changing.
My chronic pain disappeared, lost weight, skin clearer, less anxious, feel more positive. He discarded me 4 months ago & moved in with another woman the same day he left my place in a temper. Now he’s miserable & feels like the victim.
Yes, as a senior citizen, I am struggling with this everyday now as I pack up my entire life, forced out of my home of 25 years, by a covert narcissist who has trumped me out of everything, leaving me with nothing but empty promises broken, the loss of my oldest son, no source of income, no retirement. I will survive physically but the lesson of learning my entire life was about giving everything, my good name, credit, my money, my entire empathic self to someone so underserving is gut wrenchingly hard to realize it was all for nothing can destroy many a day. I can only hang on to God to see me through!! I will always be grateful to you Dr. Ramani for your channel taught me what I was dealing with, how to manage and save myself from the abuse!!
I finally worked up the courage 8 days ago to end my relationship with my husband who I have been with for 19 years. I have had a sense of peace since the day I made him leave. I've also cried many tears but I am so proud of myself for finally doing what I've known needed to be done for quite some time now. I was so scared & now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I welcome & appreciate any prayers or good thoughts sent my way. 💌 Much Love from Oklahoma 💌
The night I spent last day under same roof as him, I remember praying and asking my dead grandparents to help me if they see me. I am praying for you right now. I hope you are financially stable.
Exactly! My life with my husband, a narcissist, has turned into a nightmare, but for the sake of the children it's hard for me to leave. my marriages are a trap for me. I hope someday I will be free. Be strong!
The last 15 years of my life I’ve been horrible but the last two years after I saw her with the mask off on the Internet bad mouthing me and meeting strange men for sex it’s just ended in the last week or two after she called the sheriff on me and gave them her gun and told them that I held her at gunpoint I filmed her talking to the dispatch saying these things she was sitting at the table calm as a cucumber saying she feared for her life and sounded like she was crying. Now I’m in the house it’s empty Department of children services relocated my kids with a cousin of mine my kids see her they don’t understand it but to them it feels like she doesn’t love them because of the indifference and the coldness and the flat affect. And just today I thought I’ve decided that I’m going to have to go somewhere where no one knows where I am and take time for me and I told her she would just have to be a mother and emotionally support her children but how do I look at my children and know that I left them with only her to emotionally support them ? Things are escalating on a cycle that seems to be speeding up since I took her back after the Internet thing. Well I can tell you is that my children’s lives has not been better because I took her back I thought at the time that I should keep their mother near them at all cost but I wish I had cut loose 10 years ago all of that wasted energy all of the wasted resources and in the end you end up in the negative what you should do is put your energy into something else and create something else for them. Now I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to do that and I’m afraid I’m breaking and that even my love for them won’t bring me out and that I will fail oh God
@@lauraantivero4595 absolutely. That's what I had to enjure as a child. Growing up thinking my father should normally treat me that way, and my mother told me she stayed because of me. Then it just made me blame myself for everything we were put through. Staying is so harmful to the children. Now trusting men is so hard for me.
I have so much respect for Dr. Ramani. She’s straight forward, no sugar coating and is a hero for many of us; providing free , useful information to help us cope. Thank you 🙏🏼
it's like GRIEVING your biggest DREAMS and a GHOST you loved. A ghost that could be everything you wanted, your soulmate and a lover. But never was...It's far more painful than grieving a real person. And still ruminating, between despair and clinging to hope, I'm ashamed to admit that....
@Brian G It's so heartbreaking. I still can't believe someone can be so heartless. Similar happened to me. Soon after I moved to another continent to live with him I was asked to look after his dying brother. His brother was a wonderful person, I really liked him. My ex used to say that me and his brother were the most important people for him, only people in his life he cared for. That after his brother dies he only has me. So it made me feel really important. And I really wanted to help looking after his brother. I thought we were a team. But you're never a team with a narc. I was alone sitting by his brother side when he was dying. I had never been in such situation before. It was emotionally difficult but I got no support from my ex, no recognition how I was feeling. Not even a thank you. It was all about him crying crocodile tears. The next day he discarded me. He yelled at me right in front of his brothers body..... and told me to move out. He forbid me to go to the funeral. I wonder how much he had to lie to people at the funeral to tell the story to exclude my part in it! But narcs all life is a lie.....If it wasn't for other amazing people I'd be homeless on the other side of the world or would have to find a hotel and buy a ticket back to Europe ASAP. Probably he was very disappointed that I got a nice place to live with great people for free so he started texted me awful degrading messages tjat I'm imposing myself on other people and that I should go to a hotel and that he in his great generosity would buy me a ticket "back home" Europe. I was in a state of shock. A few years passed since then and I think it still affects me. I'm at fault too. I was so love bombed at first that I was in denial of what was really happening. With the future faking I caught the bait. I should have stood up for myself. I should have told him I'm not going anywhere, I flew here, left my life in Europe to be with you and you said your home is my home so I'm not going anywhere. I'm even more at my fault because a month later I was back with him. His promises were less romantic now but still we were to be together to create a new life, to follow the dream.... though dream was tattered I wanted to cling to it, I couldn't let it go yet..... But how can you live with someone who is in denial of his words and acts? Someone so unstable that you have to be careful not to upset him. Till now, a few years later he never apologised for anything, whenever I mentioned it he would either deny or turn the tables it was my fault or get upset and attack me for being unable to let go of the past.... because of all other things he'd done for me.... and even more the things he wants to do for me..... really? The mistake I made is that though in the end I left we've been still in touch for a few years! So I couldn't really move on emotionally. Part of me still loves the person he faked he was. I even thought of flying back there and starting all over again. I'm so grateful to have come across Dr Ramani and also Ricjard Grannon videos where it's all explained. That codependent mechanism. And it was scary to listen to Dr Ramani narc dictionary series and finding out that he ticked all covert narcissist traits.... I wish it was different but I must see the reality and stop fooling myself.
@Brian G ruminating is so exhausting It seems to take last few years of my life. Last few months spending informing myself thanks to info shared by Dr Ramani and Ricjard Grannon mainly, and a few other therapist. So the ruminating is less. We.must accept that's going to take a while. That it's.not tje same when we break up after an honest relationship. I still have this - what if? Or I judging him too harshly? What I finally did, though I was ashamed to admit I told two of my friends all the nasty details about his narc outrage, gasslighting and future faking. They were shocked because.kostly they new rje romantic big dreams big plans part of the story. I asked them, please hold me accountable - if I decide to go back to him (part of me still wants that!) Please remind.me all of it, how none of tje plans and.projects he never followed, how he didn't have time or energy to do tje simplest things qenplanned while he would spend weekends helping a stranger to impress them. How when I needed him I was alone. His nasty world salad when he got into his narc rage. Now thanks to Dr Ramani I have tje words, the concepts to describe what was going on. All covert narcissists seem so similar, it really takes the charm , the spell I was under what an intelligent and smart guy he is.
Feels like I’m going through stages of grief. The man I thought he was is dead. He never existed. Realizing what I went through WAS abuse. I’ve came here a couple times before. Then he suddenly didn’t hate me anymore. He was suddenly kind. And I forgot completely things that happened. Repeat repeat.
Recently I came across a very interesting article explaining that prolonged emotional abuse creates a pseudo-personality in the target (one programmed to believe the abuser, seeking to please them, hoping for a better future etc). This explains why we sometimes snap out of it and see things very clearly, to then return to the old patterns during the honeymoon phase.
@@mobwatch8119 interesting. I would love to read it. I can see myself over the years. Living in his delusional world w him. Still don’t know if he really believes I’m the abuser or not, but he probably does. I sure as hell don’t care anymore tho! So so so glad to be out. Even if he thinks he has the right to torment me the rest of time. I’m not in that hamster wheel anymore!
When we resolve the cognitive dissonance by finally figuring out our partner is a narcissist, thus allowing us to finally put all the puzzle pieces together (or a lot of them, anyway), I think one of the things victims feel is a visceral revulsion. This is coming from the same part of the brain (perhaps) as our revulsion at the sight of a disgusting parasite like a leech or a tick or worms etc. The realization that the narcissist is basically no different from one of those parasitic wasps that stings its pray and lays eggs in it for the larvae to eat the paralyzed prey alive, or let's say like a Xenomorph facehugger from the movie "Alien", and we are not a partner, but rather a parasitized, and paralyzed, host upon which the loathsome parasite has been feeding, sometimes for decades, while we have been trapped in our delusional paralysis state, really triggers the primitive "revulsion" centers of the brain. It's not just cognitive dissonance; it's not just ruminating; it's an overwhelming sense of visceral disgust.
I REALLY want to like your comment, and I do, but I’ll admit I’m immature and don’t want to mess with the number of likes ur comments has on it right now. Double digit
How i feel thinking of my mother...i go from disgust to feeling sorry..wondering how as a woman she had to live a cold life more than dark men themselves..none is matched with that woman's wickedness
I appreciate your analogy to parasitic insects. I was thinking recently that there is no parallel to what that wasp does in the human world. Then I realized that is the overwhelming, horror-filled experience with narcissism. The behavior is not human, not mammalian or reptilian. The gaslighting and mind-f is like a spider injecting paralyzing poison, wrapping in a web and sucking out life-force. Mayhem (maiming) is a medieval tort crime of weakening an identified rival so they cannot fight back. It could be making blind in one eye, crippling one or both legs, disabling a hand or an arm. Narcissists: insects, criminal behavior
The one experience I wanted in this life was true, deep love. I invested 24 years into an empty vessel. Now I’m learning to truly love and trust myself. I have my own back 100% of the time now. I’m becoming my own best friend and the love of my life.
My mother's worst lie: when you were born our camera didn't work anymore and we couldn't afford to fix it until your brother was born. I looked at those pictures recently, I'm barely on them like my best friend noticed. I remember asking why when I was a child and she replied that wasn't true. That's so cruel to do to a child. Narcissists have no souls.
My father was a narcissist and I barely have any pictures from me as a child. He didn't refer to me as "she"... I was "it"... so when I was 4 years old and crying about something he would say to my mom "it" is crying. It's a comfort for me to know there are other people who got threw the same stuff as I did. Take care, you are not alone.
My covert narcissist ex, I just want to share my story because now this is a big problem here in the UK for many women: My ex husband married me but he was talking to girls but he still married me, he didn't provide for me then after a year of marriage he went Pakistan and got married to another girl, then he divorced her. After sometime he got a girl pregnant, he told her a big bag of lies about me and this Muslim girl didn't know about me but he was still with me. I found out and got divorced but he was cheating on her with other girls and she was pregnant, moved her out of London so she dont find out about me. SubhanAllaah Now my husband lied and tricked me into polygamy marriage, I cry and I'm so upset how a man cant lie and trick me into polygamy marriage SubhanAllaah. The other wife dont know about me, he moved her out of London Tooting area to Blackpool in 2019 summer time, so I dont leave him, now he tells me their is no wife "Sakina", I said because you moved her to Blackpool so I cant tell her now and the wife didn't even question him, the mans moved you out of London SubhanAllaah. I'm warning you sisters please!!! Be careful sisters, dont trust noone. Most Muslim brothers have other girls and that's how it is nowadays SubhanAllaah. My was husband had me and her then he was talking to other girls for marriage, he didn't tell these girls he was married with children. He was talking to girls online and his family took him to see other girls at their homes "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT" you know your son is married with children and your taking him to see other girls for marriage SubhanAllaah. Alot of guys are married or have secret wives and secret girlfriends and secret children SubhanAllaah Ya Allah so please be careful, be careful. I cry so much because I love him, unconditional love Allah swt put in my heart for my husband. Now I'm suffering with mental health issues, emotional abuse too because he was married I got a infection from him too from him having sex with the wife and that's how I found out he was married to another woman SubhanAllaah. The wife still dont know about me Terrible. Warning th-cam.com/video/mkJF6G-I-Cg/w-d-xo.html
Similar story except i’m the baby. I got told at 8yrs old, “Well, your first child you are always excited.”. 8yrs old and told that. Most painful things besides so much more said to me. It’s still painful b/c nothing has changed. Also b/c I was breech and so much more with my mom being nervous wreak.. “I would have had more kids but we had you.” b/c I was a colicky baby and they loved telling that story especially my mother to their friends. My whole life and well it certainly enabled my brother to bully me about it too as a child to my teens. I comprehended by the time I was 4/5 yrs old. Neither were my fault but apparently, I deserved to hear that as a toddler. When you start to connect the dots with everything it comes over you like a huge wave & your world is shook seeing all the patterns of repeated emotional, mental etc abuses.
Same here. There are no young childhood pics of me, and I was told stories that I was horribly beaten and abused as a small child and no one did anything not even my mom. I remember being thrown out of rooms for no reason. My mother died and never mentioned in her title policies, though I cared for her regardless
Just remember this quote I love a lot " Life is 10% what happened to you and 90% how you react to it." Choose yourself before anything and you will recover in no time. I promise you. Just let go of the feelings of shame, of guilt, of everything negative about you. Everything you think bad about yourself is just an illusion just like the fake life you had with the narcisist. God bless you all beautiful souls. Remember that narcisists love beautiful souls because they have light and good energy.
Yes. 100%. I was so broken, I almost took my life. The long story of complex trauma and abuse. Ruminating was my primary feeling. Astonished. The cruelty was absolutely maddening. Letting go is scary, but the strong women and friendships I have as a result have forever changed me for the better. I will live the rest of my life with my beautiful tribe and that self-absorbed turd is not my concern. I feel sad for our daughters who internalize the evils, but I have faith that the beautiful friendships and family they have, including me, will help the develop wings where they too can fly. We will glow up. We can and we will.
WORD FOR WORD WHAT IM GOING THROUGH, DAUGHTERS DEALING WITH IT AS ADULTS AND WASTING 23 YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH A MAN THAT I ACTUALLY THOUGHT CARED, TURN INTO A CRUEL EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PERSON THAT TALKS TO ME LIKE I WAS THE MOST EVIL WIFE IN THE WORLD. I WASTED HALF OF MY LIFE WITH A MAN WHO IS 21 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. MY DADDY ISSUES AT 25, MY EMPATHY, MY CODEPENDENCY ISSUES MADE ME PERFECT PREY. NOW IM CLOSE TO 50 YEARS OLD AND IM NO LONGER WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, I'M IN HIS FACE CALLING HIM OUT ON EVERY LIE, EVERY TIME HE STILL EXPECTS ME TO LISTEN TO HIS FEELINGS I CALMLY SAY NO THANK YOU. WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A TWO WAY CONVERSATION AND NOT WALK AWAY ANYTIME I HAVE A VOICE I WILL CONSIDER LISTENING TO YOU RAMBLE ON ABOUT THE SAME BS I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO FOR 23 YEARS.
The highs and lows of this rollercoaster of clarity is overwhelming at times. Some days I feel like I’ve got it all figured out and I can face anyone that day! And then there are days when I avoid everyone and try hard to keep those intrusive negative thoughts at bay. It’s exhausting
This right here. The "best years of my life"--WASTED trying to love & please him. I'm in my 50's now--I can never get that back. It's the death of that hope that makes it so hard to press forward each day.
I was married to a narc for 12 years. Been out for 16 mos now. There is no happiness with a narc. Even when they're being "nice" for a period of time, you're always wondering when they'll shift to the abuse.
@@ufuomaadeyanju281 Sis, you're Nigerian.... Sending lots of love. This Narc issue is so so serious. It's the reason for most married women's depression. I see it in churches a lot. Spouses living lives of quiet desperation. Smiling outside, time bomb inside waiting to explode. Wherever you are, I hope you're ok.❤️❤️❤️
@@vivianejik2138sis hmmmmmmm long story short I've "escaped" oo he still sends me "love letters" but on this platform I've received the knowledge I need to not give in to this fake begging. My sister stay well and educate friends and family because narcissism is not a known word in Nigeria.
Yes, he and his affair partner had separate boxes to compartmentalize Everything. It's how they live, no honesty, no integrity, no empathy. Lie, Cheat, Steal and easily pretend to be a decent person.
It’s called complicated grief… Its an intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss … And you basically grieve from what could have been, what you thought you had, etc…you have mixed emotions
Let them go brother, they're not worth one more second of your time. Be strong! Move forward to the 'light' after the darkness and writing new and 'happy' chapters in your life.
If you don't find the reasons you were a target to the narcissist then you're at risk for it to happen again. Find out what your deficits are because the narcissist did. Narcissists are excellent at sniffing out your weaknesses and when the love bomb phase is over they exploit every one of them. Once you figure that out you won't be sad anymore as you will be enlightened about how much you have discovered about yourself that you did not know. DO NOT allow the narcissist to continue to torture you as you have total control on your emotions and you can choose happiness over sadness
You have been changed for the better, because you now know and can better protect yourself. They understand our weaknesses and they use them against us, now we know them better.
It is true you have been changed forever- but only you get to choose HOW you have been changed! Where you were when you left or where you are now need not be your final destination. It is true is that you will forever be different than the person who originally fell for the ruse, and from the person who originally stuck around, and from the person who originally thought everything else in life was certainly ruined too. What a relief! You are forever changing forever, hallelujiah!
It took me a very long time to recover. I grew up as the only child of a single narc mother. She isolated me from everyone not to mention I was just a child who so desperately wanted to be love and nurtured by my only parent, but got rejected instead. I dreamt of death because no matter how hard I tried I was still despised. There were so many layers to my healing, so very many. I’m better but I still don’t do romantic relationship (I’m avoidant) . It’s exhausting and lonely, I would never wish this on anyone.
Letting go of that illusion is overwhelmingly sad. It may not seem so from the outside but it takes from us great strength and courage to just accept the truth without going mad at the same time.
This resonated with me on several levels. The onion skin of lies can be revealed years, or even decades later. It's shocking that it can still blindside me over again.
For some reason knowing it wasn’t real is hurtful but also comforting because they aren’t able to have any real relationships with anyone. Just be happy that YOU can be happy, you can have deep real feelings and be compassionate. The look in someone’s eyes when you make them happy and feel great and share beautiful moments is what life is about. THEY can not have that... what a waste of life. At the end of my life I will be so grateful I had those experiences. True connection is magic.
Grief is such a HUGE and often overlooked topic - especially when it comes to abusive relationships. As other commenters have said, the day we choose to forgive ourselves for what once blinded us, is the day we find freedom.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani😢. You’re the only one who I can turn to. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends that my fairytale romance I once gushed about, was a bunch of bs. The pain and shock and denial is still strong in me, but I’m slowly disconnecting from him, even though he cries his alligator 🐊 tears 💧 and tells me he will change.
This is something I was thinking about this week...all the lies in my life are falling apart and I’m seeing my abusive parents as they are, as monsters
I am absolutely heart broken. I’ve come to realize that because I kept believing the angry rages/degrading comments toward our teenagers was the last time, for so much of my 30 yr marriage, my children suffered a tremendous amount. I’m frozen & don’t know what to do now.
I am right in this now. I needed to hear this today as woke up feeling so sad about the past. Grieving for my kids, my loss of self, my identity, the relationship (whatever that was!), the hopes, the dreams, the whole shebang. I feel so bad for letting myself down and not listening to my instincts and the cry of my soul. A time machine would be fab right now!
Thank you, doctor. Yesterday I was just thinking that a big part of my life with the narcissist was all a lie. And the worst thing is that I knew it all along but didn't want to admit it to myself. I just wanted to believe that lie.
It's totally worse if you're an empath an infj or any personality type that requires honesty caring compassion empathy it does such a number on us and our wellbeing it's hard it's a struggle to overcome it thank you dr. Ramani once again great insight for us
This one hits close to home. I'm generally happy and well balanced, so after separating from my narcissist wife, I thought I would finally be fine. After a couple weeks of being on my own however, I looked back on my 20 years with her and just thought of the wasted energy, time, lost opportunities for new jobs and loves, and the really poor example we set for our kids. This was compounded doubly for me because I have a psych degree and generally feel like I understand people. But it was that blindness that kept me from seeing it or acting sooner. Then it was "for the kids" which thankfully I decided was going to cause then more harm than good. This depression was profound because it was literally like experiencing the death of a loved one for me; that loved one being the wasted youth on a disingenuous person. Just the self-recrimination on having allowed this for so long was what really hit home. Nearly 7 years on, I still feel like I am getting my sense of self and confidence back.
I did 20 years as well and was trying to co-parent, but just recently it all became incredibly toxic and so, now i am doing 'parallel' parenting. Our son turns 18 in a few months and i will no longer ever have to speak to the ex again. He was incredibly rude to me the other day, on my late mum's birthday, and the week before, leading up to my own birthday, dramas blew up for our son. My physical health has been so badly affected, and both my son and I have been diagnosed with CPTSD. A relationship with a narcissist is incredibly devastating.
@@adele865 good first steps. Chances are he won't stop quite so easily. Be careful about fakes profiles and people who will do things like that for him. Not sure if he's a stalky type, but multiple "coincidental" public run-ins can be an issue for some too. And being treated for CPTSD is a must. Good that you both are learning it together. That will help you both understand each other thru this difficult period or if your ex begins to push you two harder as he loses his grip.
Making the pain go away has been a life time. Not knowing what this was. Having no voice no one to talk too. I’m not mad just hurt. This online content helps me understand more and that I’m not alone. Thank you precious one.
The Narcissist: "You're not attractive enough!" "You're not intelligent enough!" "You're not sexy enough!" "You're not creative enough!" "You're not successful enough!" You: Consider the "source"!
And the narc I was with who is an artist said to me when I was still with him, "your art is shit, you don't need to paint just be my muse" and he kicked in and destroyed 33 of my paintings! Along with much other abuse!
@@kerry-anne39 I’m so sorry to hear that. 😢 The same thing happened to me. And the openness with which that monster said it to me. He said: “all of that (described my art, etc.): it’s nothing. Nothing.”. And years later, sabotaged and destroyed most of it, knowing it meant so much to me. The nerve it takes to destroy what he considered “nothing”. Hugs!
@jane doe I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Rumination on an abusive past is very painful. I was raised by narcissists, both being my own flesh and blood parents. I also have some rough experiences with a couple of former bosses and a former coworker. Once it sank in that abuse doesn’t come from a place of love, and narcissists are just not capable of unselfish love or genuine consideration for others, so much of my ruminating that had gone on for decades stopped. I grieved, but now, although I’m still learning about NPD, I am in such a better head space and I’m thinking about myself in a more positive way, too. I hope this helps some. I wish you the best in your recovery. ❤️
@@staciwhite4276 thank you very much. Perhaps I am still seeing him positively ..or that I'm missing out. When deep down I'm so certain I am not. I will trying focusing on my many blessings when that feeling starts to rise up. Thank you for this!!!! I have a narc parent as well and I just put the kibosh on that relationship. It could very well be all the change too as a fixed sign. Like Dr Ramani, said im gonna have to exercise a bit of patience with myself. Thank you so very much. Lots to think on!
It will sound strange but something that helps me was to change the way my inner voice spoke to me. I asked myself "what would I say to a friend that was going through something like this?" I assure you it would not be to tell them they were stupid, naive, crazy or to blame for everything. From that perspective I realized that I owed it to myself to treat myself with as much compassion as I would someone else.
@@courtneyinlow4011 This! 1000% this! This is so powerful. The last thing you need is to continue the abuse by shaming yourself. We have to love ourselves as a good parent loves their child unconditionally. The narc didn't give us that, so we have to find it in ourselves and feed our souls with it. Peace to you.
After all the financial abuse, telling me that God was blessing me financially for allowing them to freely stay with me for 6 years, they suddenly became vicious for telling people I was "carrying" them. He gave me $1.53 for electricity last month out of guilt I suppose, expecting my gratitude. Now I notice within me a feeling of unworthiness, and I am no longer able to ask anyone for compensatory payment for anything I sell or provide, goods, shelter, or services. While the abuse continues, I am stuck in this feeling without ambition to fight my way out. Family and friends are leaving me in desperation, convinced that I am content to continue living with parasites. I feel like I am dying from the loneliness.
Last black episode - vacation with ex narc husband his girlfriend was at swimming pool and I never said a word about it, I was so traumatized by it I was speechless 😶 not the first time she had made an appearance where we were at😔they wanted me to go emotionally crazy in public 🤦♀️I was married to this man for 40 years 🤦♀️she wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last 😔I was blind but now I see and it HURTS 😔thank you so much doc for the validation for many of us who no one believed 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐💐💐🙏
No joke, it's like molting: It's painful, some people won't recognize you afterwards, and the shell left over is *not* a delightful candied confection. Thanks again, Dr. Ramani. Stay strong, y'all 💪
I was 36 when I realized my life with a narcissist mother was a lie! It was something that shook me to my core. I remember having almost like an existential physical reaction to it. But thankfully I had the best therapist who knew my personality type and my analytical brain and helped me through it. The one good thing that came out of it was that she is never able to manipulate me or convince me of anything anymore.
I'm 21 and until last year I thought my narcissist mother was the greatest. When I moved out of state and came home for a visit it finally hit me that something was off. In the past few months I've been watching these videos and it almost makes sense now! Tonight my dad told me to leave their house (I was only other there to do something real quick). Honestly hearing yalls stories is helping me get through mine so much. Thank all for sharing ❤
@Sierra Pfiester same situation here! only i felt some things were off before, but dr. Ramani brought ne clarity, and my first year out of home was the best, it involved a lot of crying, processingand learning about psychology, but this year was a peaceful blessing to me and i know that with healing, there are many, evenmuch better years ahead of me
Going thru this right now. My doctor mom is a malicious Narcs. Cut me off from my older brother and sister... 38 and 40 y/o... These cycles never quit... Stay safe and heal!
I've been grieving for my mother who displays behaviours of someone who would qualify as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder - vulnerable subtype for a few year now. The mother that my brain made up to protect itself wasn't her - it was me. I raised me. Whoever you projected into your abuser, the good you saw, is in you. It's still there. Let's be there for ourselves. Sending love to everyone who needs it. 💖
Worst part of it all ....is trying to explain to people what just happened to us and the level of abuse because of embarrassment of how could we let this happen. As a result we grieve & recover in silence
Don't bother trying to explain to people what just happened cos they will not / never understand it if they haven't experienced it. It would be like telling them you've seen a UFO🛸
Yeah I feel you. I'm so so sorry for the fact we not only go through this yet there's no healing community beyond this really. Nobody gets it. The hell of getting out... Just wow.
@@feefeeali4945There is one healing community beyond this I know, Melanie Tonia Evans, she's not a psychologist tho. Check it out !
I hear you about the embarrassment. I'm so humiliated that she duped me, not once but twice. No one gets it unless they have had it happen to them. But I understand how you feel and I'm sorry this happened.
No one will believe you except fellow-survivors. I believe you. Jesus believes you.
The “person” you thought you were in “love” with NEVER existed.
Absolutely.
Do you think that just because it was found to be a lie, that it hurts less when there's a break-up? NO! It hurts more because you're grieving two things instead of one. If you haven't been through it, you can never know what it feels like when you find out that after 15, 25, 50 years with someone, the whole thing was a lie. All the holidays, babies being born, vacations, date nights, good times, bad times, growing together, making love together...
Maybe adopted people who find out as an adult that they were adopted, could somewhat understand the feeling.
Don't brush this topic off, like it's not relevant or important. Unless it's happened to you, you can't understand what living in a lie does to you, mentally. It's hard to grasp that the person you loved, was lying to you for 15 years (or however many).
Okay, have you seen "The Truman Show" with Jim Carrey? Here's a short synopsis:
He doesn't know it, but everything in Truman Burbank's (Jim Carrey) life is part of a massive TV set. Executive producer Christof (Ed Harris) orchestrates "The Truman Show," a live broadcast of Truman's every move captured by hidden cameras.
This is the kind of mind f*#k we're talking about when a Narcissist leads you down a path of lies. You start to not trust anything, or anyone, but inside, you are crumbling. Instead of having a cement foundation, you get a foundation made up of a web of lies and deceit.
Who wouldn't get a little sideways when they finally found out? This is a very big deal!
And the kids he or she decided to make with you, well he or she was a fake parent to them, like he or she was fake with you.
This is a whole lot more serious than people think it is. Someone did some long-term brainwashing to you. The consequences are devastating!
Most times that is the case. You wonder where they disappear to
It DID exist...
But it was an Act.
@@staciecarlson191 like wasting so much of life..or rather like waking up after years of being 'asleep'. But we were hypnotized. Groomed to swallow that crap.
But..
We are the many that made it out alive.
I'm sure there are many that didn't make it out - that perhaps, took their own lives as a result of such soulish evil.
Grieving someone who is still alive can be tougher than grieving someone who has died.
I agree 100%. Always said that. Much easier to move on. Especially when you have a child with the narcissist and have to be in contact. It’s sheer torture for you and your child.
This happened in a longstanding friendship. I didn't want to admit to myself how long I had put up with abusive treatment by my "best friend" and finally had to end it, which sent her into a tailspin of victimhood and "how could you?" You don't expect to discover that your friend, whom you treated like a sister, turned out to be frighteningly like your own birth sister (an extreme narcissist). I did feel grief, but a lot of it came out of the fact that any real connection died years ago. I just kept trying to make it work.
It is not up to us how they live we need to make sure they don't pull us down with them into the pit they're in.
I have always agreed with that! Death is physical and it happens to every one but if someone chooses death either physically or killing a relationship by choice is so much harder to deal with for me.
Yes, absolutely
WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED AND THAT EVERYTHING WAS A LIE, THE SHOCK AND GRIEF IS ALMOST UNBEARABLE....
Yep it happened to me. It is unbearable!
@@marysarianides8150……Yeah, basically I wasted my life away, living an illusion. When we would be going through trials and hard times, ie., job losses, deaths of friends, etc., I used to think, well, at the end of my life, at least I’ll have my wonderful memories of the good times we had….no one can take those away from me.
Well, here I am…..and I’ve picked through the memories…..looked back down the corridor of time…..and realized…..it was all based on lies…..a fantasy. I didn’t realize how much I sugar-coated things just to survive.
But there are jewels...20years of lies - need to find the jewels or I will go mad.
@@GrannyBeth2 I HAD 50 YEARS OF 5 NARCISSISTIC SIBLINGS..THEN I DISCARDED THEM ALL...NO JEWELS FROM THEM...
@@annamariehewitt3173 I'm sorry that happened to you. My narcissist was my husband- 30 year marriage,.kids,.grandkids....I got jewels.
I look at old photos of young me, and feel sorry for her. She's sweet kind and very well intentioned. And she has no idea of the course her life will take.
Oh no
It stings.
Yes, but friend. Please don’t let it end there. Don’t let people paint you black, you’re still golden. And those things you mentioned, you still very well are. ❤️
They rape our innocence.
It's so sad
The realization that the red flags have been there but you ignored it and that you cling to that toxic relationship for such a long time. The pain of realizing that you have been making excuses and kept going back to the relationship even if the relationship destroys your physical health, mental health, and strips away everything within you.
… I did exactly this… even though all the red flags were there… which I didn’t realize until years later after my marriage & life imploded!
" Be patient with past versions of yourself that didn't know the things you know now"
Amen Ty Jesus!!
Brilliant advice! Thank you!
Totally, this is the hardest part
Thank you for these words, I needed them
I find it hard to forgive that version despite it trying it was doing the best it could with what it felt and knew. Because of my trauma my statement in court came out bad, I was disbelieved and not only the abuser got his name cleared publicly but the courts helped him (them) with ruining my whole reputation wherever I go forever was granted that to follow me around through the whole system in short, making my life forever hell just for the reward for surving so many years of abuse. This world is injust no end. Im too tired to tell or my story believed, they got me so scared to tell or speak up. ... And then the hero "narcissist" came along, dug deep into my emotions and broke me at the core.
Despite going through extensive and extreem abuse I always had a kind and empathetic heart for everyone moreso, but after him... thats the last time I can feel I can cope with love or trusting another human being again. I hate that I feel his bitterness has dig his tendrils deep into me and although I can never be truely unloving person, but I feel like I cant do that anymore, to protect myself etc... but he took all that was left of childhood dream happiness or slight flame of hope in me, I dont want love, and I thought Nobody could ever make me feel that... when all I used to want was to love deeply and love in return.. now myself feel love is yucky, just like he did, and I couldnt understand it back then.. trauma hard lesson factually and the fear of risking being in such an emotional vulnerable position of destruction brought apon you suddenly, and nearly 2 years and still physically and emotionally havnt truely find my footing... so how can one risk love for that.. when it felt so 100% true to me. I made so many sacrifices to have. So sorry and sad for anyone that went through this type of experience. Dont know how we do it. 🤐😥
I don't know which was more painful - realizing my childhood caused my self-love deficit or realizing a narcissist sucked the life out of me.
Both are equally painful
Realizing the first narcissistic led to the second, life long narcissistic. Take from it, don't let it take anymore than it has.
Right there with you. I was shocked that it wasn't just 12 years that got me... it was my whole life.
I can relate to that.
It is so eye opening!! I never knew that I actually put it upon myself because of childhood trauma! I didn’t know until my narc shattered me into pieces! I kind of thank him for that otherwise my life would be completely orchestrated by my subconscious and I wouldn’t figure out why I am the way I am!!
You have to grieve everything you thought they were and forgive yourself.
@Shawn Robins ^yes! And with the desire to show you’re unscathed, and appear to move on happily, you’re faking it to make it, and not allowing yourself to fully grieve...although it’s quite overwhelming when you face it and do.
forgiving does not mean you forget. that's the issue. I can forgive plenty for lots of irrational behaviors, nobody promised me a rose garden, yet laws must do more to protect women and children. There are laws regarding having to get a carbon monoxide detector, but there are no babysitters to check if they actually installed it or where they old enough to regard laws? Should Mothers need to swoop down on their broomstick? That's not me either, what other option are you willing to offer?
That’s so powerful
Agreed grieve what you believed is very hard the worst hurt and grieving who you are and what you could have been if it hadn't been the case and YES forgiving YOURSELF .. not them as one therapist suggested to me! 🙏✌️🤗
@Shawn Robins the only instinctive response to hurt them back is pretend it didn’t break you...that life goes on and they’re insignificant... but that facade can be held for so long. Being a strong base for our children is motivating, but we must give ourselves the love that we desperately need after this. There is such a hit to our soul. I agree with you, the general consensus from those who have no idea such a relationship can happen is to “get over it by now.” I can’t even express how helpful Dr.Ramani and everyone who shares their experiences on TH-cam has been.
The hard thing about narcissists is they never admit to lies or your suspicions.
Mine could look me straight in the eyes while I had proof in black a white in front of us and blatantly lie. It was the most discombobulating feeling!!
@@DolceIbarra yeah, it's sad. It's especially sad that they never make the effort to communicate with you. You always have to do for them, it's sad.
Dolce that's actually what scares me about toxic people.. especially the extremely toxic ones... I remember one time this toxic person was lying about something and I had evidence of it.... and I pretended to play stupid the entire time just to see how good they are at lying... it really scares me...
@@niccogutierrez4585 Yeah I don't understand it but it has to stop that's what I know, it has to stop.
I couldn’t agree more! You cannot ever get the truth out of these evil people. I’d have proof in my hands showing him, and he’d still deny it. Worse is he’d not only lie straight to my face, but start a bunch of psycho-babbling about nothing at all that made any sense, and try to talk over me. It was sheer crazy making shit! I was so at a loss for words with his tactics. I’m glad be free of it now.
Once I accepted my ex never loved me in the first place, I could move on and accept that everything else was a lie. It was a really tough pill to swallow.
Yes, realizing they never really loved us, is very difficult to accept. I am moving more and more toward detaching and it is freeing.
Yes, they don't know how to love. Or form true non selfish relationships.
Same. It's soul-destroying at first but a fact that needs to be accepted. Doing that was the only way I managed to move forward
Had first attempt to understand that he never loved me- It hurt so much and I failed. Second time it came to me. And it was like a stroke.
I actually told my ex that I knew he never loved me he was just using me for his supply. He ghosted me as I knew he would, but I felt so much better letting him know I knew the truth and what he was.
Looking at the old pictures and knowing I was not happy, yet still believed that things would improve in the future is the worst and most embarrassing part.
Oh yes, old pictures of "the good times", just underscores the pain of waking up to the reality that it was, for the most part, just a projection, a lie without any emotional foundation in truth
The pain is unbelievable, one feels like an utter fool for believing the lie for so long. Wasting So much time and energy.
That man and that marriage wore me out physically and emotionally. I'm still tired.
The Trauma Bond is so real !
The waste of time is the biggest regret and anger
I agree with you. I'm feeling like a complete fool, too. Even after the raging and some physical abuse, the flirting and lying, deep down, we still hang on to a hope that they really do care. I'm done. I am trying to live in reality, now.
Oh my god, yes.
Tomorrow is my 73rd birthday and I m finally Free! Financially fine, health fine, lots of female friends young and old, a gr8 son and daughter in law and two diverse grandsons whom I adore...I m OK!
Very happy for you!
What is a diverse grandson?
Oh yes. A lifetime and now to be free of the compounded narcissists to which we were born and the added.
Congratulations! Cheers 🥂 🍾 Everyone that is able to escape and claim their life back….. it’s truly something to celebrate!
The recovery can be a bit overwhelming at times but as long a you know, believe and/or remind yourself that you’re much better off, it can be exhilarating!
Happy happy blessed birthday!
Relationship with a narcissist is like building a home on an earthquake prone street on top of quicksand foundation. No matter how beautiful the home appeared, it was doomed to collapse because it’s foundation wasn’t stable. So to is manipulationship with a narcissist. The only way to recover is to take it day by day . Get out and enjoy nature . Be grateful you are alive especially with a raging pandemic . To finally pray with all your heart , everyday to our Lord. Remember, anything the narcissist builds , they will end up destroying.
@Niles Guy - Heartbreaking but accurate account.
🗣Speak On it
Well put
Hello Niles Guy! How have you been? 💐
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I hope you are well. I take it day by day. There are good days and bad . But when one deals with the Devil , it leaves a mark on you for life.
You could never explain to another person what a narcissist has done to you. They look at you as if you're not making any sense. They don't understand unless they've been through it.
and then they say "he is such a good guy. you're over dramatizing."
And then we look bitter and bitchy for speaking our truth.
Unless anyone has walked in our shoes, you just really don't get it sadly. It can be an isolating journey.
@@annepenny2809 edit: it IS an isolating journey
Exacty,you said it all.
@@Estabon-on5qf 🙏💜
This is why I don’t like looking at pictures from my past. I look at the picture and I don’t actually see the photograph, I see what was happening behind the scenes. I see my eyes and I know the backstory, so I don’t look at pictures anymore. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of these videos. They are life-changing.
Totally 'getting' the content of your comment. " I see my eyes and I know the backstory"...brilliant.
@@thintwin48 It’s nice to know we are not alone... I have been sharing my story on Facebook on a public page, and in life to let people know they are never alone like I thought that I was for so many years of Hell. The very least we can do is to let people in the middle of the storm know that it won’t last forever, even if we think it will at the time. ❤️
There's absolutely no need to ruminate or look back at pics if you don't like it dear.. I know how u feel 😥😔 stay strong and God bless
Spot on !
Spot on. I can see the cycles and some of the photos clearly show the struggle. Other photos show the objectives of the narcissist... everything is only a tool to validate them.
Realizing you were duped is extremely hard to deal with. I keep going over everything in my mind and wishing I'd handled things differently. I forgave the bad behaviour but he saw my forgiveness as permission... I ultimately think nothing between us was real, he was just happy to take and take, which is a crushing reality to accept.
My story exactly! Sorry---good luck to you! It is so so painful. I know that you know the feeling.
Whew this is the comment!! 😢
Know that there will be some karmic retribution coming his way at some point. It happened to my ex after he comfortably settled into his gloating that he'd gotten not one but many over on me. Thanks to his lies I was ostracized by his family, but yet they still blamed me for actually having the gall to complain about his narcissistic abuse. What a pack of nutjobs my ex inlaws were....and likely still are !
I feel you there. I gave my ex a second chance after he cheated on me and used hard drugs. Surprise surprise, he did it again. Except this time he used our savings on prostitutes while I was at work. I can’t believe I trusted him again. The worst part is the lie after lie even with proof. He said he found drugs in the bathroom. They’re not even good lies. The stupid part of me still wants him back. I know logically not to do it. I’m so messed up from this relationship.
They will never stop taking without a shred of remorse.
You paint a picture in your head of what you wanted them to be. But there dark moments, that gut feeling you have, the emptiness you see in them. That’s the real them.
Absolutely!
Yup.....
So blinded during the whole thing. Reflection afterwards shined light on it all. How was I so ignorant.
You aptly summarized the whole relationship!
100% agree !!!!!
37 years of living with a covert narcissist. The confusion. The self blame. The erosion and ultimate loss of self. I didn’t even know what the term narcissist meant until I began listening to you. This post made me weep uncontrollably- but the healing is beginning - thank you - you are my hero.
Going through this right now. I'm 35 and my doctor mom (72) is a Malicious Covert Narcs. My brother (41) and sister (38) are sided with her. (Vul Narc and Cerb. Narc)I'm discarded / black sheep / scapegoat.
She (Mom) has blames 100 years of her families problems on my shoulders. And she's only 72.
I tried setting family therapy up this Monday and it just exploded back in my face. (Trying to talk with brother and sister again)
Now the police say that I was "harassing" them for therapy. So very much no contact now. Doctor Mother is hoovering hardcore... Stay Safe and Heal!
I 100% get where you’re coming from. The decades of this abuse is almost unbearable. Hugs and many blessings to you. You are amazing and deserve all great things in life.
I read your post, and was blown away cuz its like you wrote it about me. I been married for 38 years and my husband I believe is a Covert Narcissist from what I am learning. we have been separated for 2 years because of his cheating, I was actually considering giving him another chance, I think this makes 7 or 8 maybe 9 times. But I just found out last week he has unblocked a woman he cheated on me with and started talking to her knowing how I would feel... I can't keep doing this, I am done. I am 58 years old and always said I was only getting married once, its going to be lonely but I can't keep having my heart broke time and time again, and from what Dr Ramani says, My husband doesn't care my heart is broke, He is only worried about his entitlement and getting his supply . I sure hope he is happy with his choice.
I did 20 years with a covert narcissist. I'm 3 years out but the varying abuses has only recently hit me. I'm so ill I'm bedbound. He robbed who I was, how capable I was, my career, my hopes and dreams. I don't know how to heal myself from the hell I endured thats left me feeling so unsafe I can't function. I don't self-care, I withdrew from the world and hide in fear. The fear won't go and its killing me :/
Exactly that I agree
Honestly one of the hardest parts was to admit, that I was intentionally sucked in to be a toy for this person, to be used for money and advantages...
Sometimes I wonder if being adopted wasn’t anything but an advantage for my narcissistic adopted parent...
I agree ☝️
It's so sad but true and you are not alone in feeling that way
$1M...covert psycho
Exactly. Digging through the rubble of post narcissistic abuse we come across so many reminders of good times that were undamaged, as well as the charred remains of things utterly destroyed.
As I crawl through the destruction of what remains of myself, I've learned that even if I find a remnant that has escaped direct damage from my 'relationship' I'm not feeling as much joy at having found something undamaged as I feel I should. I want to gingerly and lovingly set it aside on a pile that I created to start a new life with so I can rebuild with what should be familiar things; but I'm struck by how little comfort that pile now gives me.
I don't know whether I just don't trust my ability to make good choices any more?...or if the undamaged things I found in the rubble that I hope to use as a foundation for starting over aren't in fact things that are responsible for how I 'Got-Got' so badly in the first place.
*shrug* At this point 3 months out of 4.5 years of her past insanity all I can do is one day at a time and keep studying and learning. Self forgiveness is elusive but I think I'm gaining on it.
Thank you Dr. Ramini. This session with you and it's theme has arguably been the most timely and impactful in my recovery.
People who don't understand narcissistic abuse cannot grasp WHY you ruminate in your recovery....it feels like invalidation all over again!
Yeah, true constant invalidation and nobody understanding kind of makes the healing slow and painful.
Yes, even therapists don’t get it. I have literally wasted many hours on therapists that say they know about narcissism but really don’t. You wind up reliving it over and over. I get much more from Dr. Ramani than I have any therapist. Thank-you Dr. Ramani!❤️
Blessings to you all✨
Allow yourself to feel, it is how we will heal. This video made me cry, so much loss. I believe in time, the best is yet to come.
So true!
The rumination is a crazy depressive state. I can't stop crying.
Generally we FEEL that something is wrong, even during the "good times" with narcs--it's an uneasy feeling--even when they are smiling in front of us, snapping pictures with us, or otherwise trying to look as if they are with us in the moment. We know that their energy is off, but we try to keep things moving. Ironically, the narc will eventually do or say something upsetting that will confirm our gut feelings and then turn around and blame us for not knowing how to have a good time.
Yes, absolutely!💯
10000000% agreed.
Yes, and although you mentioned it to people they always were charmed over by my x. In the end, I was too scared to mention anything for I was always portrayed as guilty.
I am so tired of being blamed for everything that is a problem or wrong in his life.
Spot on. The unease was there and grieving about what happened ...the hardest part was the decent times ...and yet ...my gut was always off even when narc was in a good mood. There was unease and fear and I was blamed for feeling this way. I never wanted to travel with them knowing deep down I wasn’t safe. I was blamed for that too. Being told I was anxious and a small timid mouse. Now I cannot wait to travel again like I did before narc and my body in last two years has unwound tremendously. I don’t have anxiety or feelings of terror. Confusion is a big topic but does anyone else notice how much your the one told your confusing. You spend a lot of time trying to explain abs reason when they say nicely they are confused. Then years in you realize the message was “you never make sense “ and the gaslight damage of losing voice. Good news is -awareness is refreshing. The other - our lost years are not lost. They were narc university PHD level training. We needed that and now we need to help others. If we didn’t need the Doctorate we would have not been enrolled. Now we have the experience. We are wiser. And wise people can see it on our feces and narcs can no longer bother us here or life beyond. We haven’t lost time. We have gained wisdom.
In the beginning - It's like finding the most sincere kindest person in the whole wide world. They are nice and gentle. They are affectionate. They will cuddle you and hold you. A couple months in you will notice that they seem to lack in the intimacy department but you will dismiss that to shyness. They will mimic/mirror your style of communication & you the entire time (which goes unnoticed until they become distant with you & use new words). I learned that If you express intimate emotions they will say “I feel the same way for you too or I would do the same thing for you or I love you just as much or I'm glad to hear that.” Which feels insincere and robotic. However you might dismiss that to shyness or inexperience expressing feelings (even tho they could be gorgeous & clearly experienced with women). They will never voluntarily just express their love for you in their own words and say how much they love or miss you. Very rarely will you get an “I miss you" or ” love you" for no reason at all. You will wonder why? Like do they have any feelings? So, you find yourself working harder to make them feel more safe & more loved in hope's that they provide that love back to you. It's easy to dismiss them withholding as a lack of trust or insecurity because they seem so nice. You will look for logic in behaviors and with Coverts there is never any logic which will lead your further down a rabbit hole creating confusion. In time you will start to doubt your own perception of what you see and lack the clarity to see the abuse. You will have more anxiety, lack inner peace & feel tired. Your physical appearance might change where you either gain or lose weight. You struggle to keep yourself at peace. Its exhausting. By now, you have became an expert at everything they like. You take on all the chores and make their life as easy as possible. You feel isolated too b/c they kept you “away". You feel so confused b/c you worked so hard to break down their walls in hopes of a more consistent close bond with them. One day they seem really into you and the next they withhold affection. It's hard trying to figure out what is wrong. The more you vocalize your feelings the more they encourage you with their words that everything is ok. You certainly don't feel “ok" but you make peace with it the best you can and start “withholding” your feelings too b/c they have made you feel like your “too" sensitive and it's too much! Most of the time it will feel like they are present in the flesh but nothing else is going on inside them. Even after all this time you've been together you still feel like you don't really know them. If you happened to gain the courage at a later time to ask more questions as to why things still feel off they will say your being insecure & that they aren't cheating and make you feel like you have issues. If you cry they will watch tv, stare at their phone or even continue to eat dinner. They won't ever give you all their undivided attention & acknowledge your pain. Which makes you more confused bc their actions doesn't match their words. They won't look at you while you cry, they seem like it causes them shame to see you cry. At times you might feel like your having to teach them about feelings as if they were a child. You will wonder why their emotional intelligence seems very immature/off. Everything they have is something you also don't have access too. Their family, phone, friends, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit card statements, and etc. You will start off feeling like they are very private or insecure & years in it now feels like they are super secretive b/c it makes no sense for them to still be so private. They promise things that they don't see through or conveniently feel bad or forget everything that is important to you. They will isolate you and hide their relationship with you. When you express that something about what they are doing isn't right then they act like they lack understanding and that they do nothing to hurt you. You will always be explaining everything and wondering why they just don't get it! They will even use apologies as a form of manipulation. (lack of empathy and no change to their behavior). You will always feel like you need to phone a friend to ask if your situation is normal because this person will give you $200 to pamper yourself but won't invite you to Christmas dinners or let you have access to their phone. They will leave/abandon/ghost you to say they are sleeping at a relative's house then on their way home they will offer to bring you breakfast or something from the store. Even their giving is a form of manipulation. They want to distract you with gifts to keep you off balanced from the emotional abuse they are putting you through. When you ask them why they didn't come home they will say they felt like you didn't want them around or etc. You will spend the entire relationship wondering how someone who seems like such a nice person can be so emotionally cold. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
The one main issue, that bothers me, is that looking back over my life, my decisions of life were made emotionally and not logically .
Yes... And decisions based on someone else's pretext of what you shud decide but didn't even realize there was even another person voice beliefs and demands living in your head...✌️
@@bereal6590 exactly on point with that!!!!!!
Same here,,,
I am the same way
That part! That's the hardest part for me.. I thought I was acting logically but I was asleep the whole time... Thank the good lord I'm free!! 1 week no contact...and I feel lighter already.
37 years with a narcissist. Two years after divorce and the rumination has been the hardest to shake. Thank you for the encouragement!
12 years with a narc. Filled in divorce papers 6 months ago, I too struggle with rumination
3 years from divorce, 4 years from separation, I haven’t figured out how to stop the ruminations yet. I feel so completely mind f’d. I think I am more angry with myself for not getting out sooner. . I am hoping that one day they will just stop. Been absolute no contact, but have young adult children. Wish I could move to the other side of the world...
I understand completely. 27 years, divorced 2 and this backtracking and ruminating is crippling some days. I am better and less foggy as I hope you are too!
@@betsy3075 I feel ya! I have grandbabies so I'm staying put for now. Eventually I'd like to date but feel I'll never trust again.
30 years here, ruminating the past 3- wow
When I was angry at myself for crying over someone's death, a very good friend said to me, you're not crying for what was, you're crying for what should have been... Wise words...
Can you elaborate more if u can?
I'm sure it was profound for/to you, but without knowing more...
Anyway, one thing I said to a former friend that I wished I would've paid attention to is, 'if you're always in someone else's support group then you're never in your own'. She was a covert narc.
@@lisarodriguez6966 understand that. My narc mother was depressed a few years ago and wanted my support, stupid me gave it until I was becoming suicidal being there for her.
@@jennyp4934 that's heart-wrenching. So she either didn't notice or saw it and was bolstered by how far you'd neglect yourself. It was that way with my mom.
@@lisarodriguez6966 my mother never sees anything other than herself. The eternal victim. My definition is the perpetrator and parasite, sucking the life out of others. Haven't seen her for over a year and I don't plan to. She's 86 and more miserable than ever and creating even more stories of her victim hood.
When my narc said they “loved me” I would say “either you never loved me, or your perception of love is so flawed”. These people really are messed up.
They have NO IDEA what Love is.
I’ve said this Verbatim god it’s insulting when they KEEP doing it
that's exactly how i feel now. I feel like i was just being used for companionship and sex, but that i never mattered as a person. that is their "love".
I really tried to get through to mine. He gave more honesty than I expected, but was unwilling to work on himself. His 'I love you' was to him - heartfelt - but what it really meant, he confessed, was 'I own you'
Growing up with a narcissist, then marrying one, I've gone from one form of hell to another.
Same here, 36 years of abuse, I'm just exhausted, but I am learning to find happiness regardless of the abuse
Yeah me too unfortunately and it’s a mindf*uck
Mee too😢😢😢😢😢😢
Indeed it is. Its hard to believe this was real.
Out of the frying pan into the fire 🔥
What hurt the most was realizing he never loved me. My entire 43 years with him was a lie. When people say, “he loved you in his own way”, I want to scream. “In his own way” looks and feels nothing like love. But finally accepting it was all a lie somehow makes it easier to move on. When I realized how sick he is and how my relationship was so one-sided, it makes it easier to get over it. We are trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who is grossly unhealthy. An impossible situation!
It's not that he did not love you. They don't love anybody. We All should pray for them. Life without emotions and self reflection, can you imagine?
@@rusinhouston I do feel sorry for the fact that they don’t love themselves so they can’t love anyone. It would be awful. But they leave a path of destruction in their wake. We all have insecurities, but we don’t destroy others because of them.
Yeah..in their own way...like the same way they love their TV, their car, their favorite pack of chewing gum
Sheesh. People who never experience this evil have no reference to stack it against
They CANNOT relate, cannot compute.
@@rusinhouston oh there's emotions alright, but it's all about THEM and THEIR emotions. But Love..true love is foreign to them. You have to be able to have empathy and feel for another person
@@BetterOff735 absolutely the truth! It is a transaction that will always benefit them!
My ex and I were on vacation in Prague during my birthday. He sent pictures from our hotel and my birthday dinner to his second girlfriend. It took me years to get over this shit. What helped me was 1. going to therapy 2. focusing on my well being 3. making new memories. I traveled to 9 countries in one year. 4. I got rid of all bed influences in my life, mostly bad people. 5 I accepted that tings are tough and I had to give me a break from time to time 6. I was grateful that I don’t have to live with this monster anymore. 7. I had a goal and that was making myself happy without a man in my life. Thing got better.... eventually.
#6...I can so RELATE to that one!
I'm so happy for you. Truly, learning how to find joy being by yourself can be the best medicine and also set you up for healthier relationships in the future.
thank you for sharing your tips! Def gonna steal a few :)
Mine did that on 3 seperate vacations. When i discovered the affair and called her, she told me all that and i was so shook.
My ex was constantly doing this. His 2nd wife was in prison because of drug related crimes and he was always sending her pictures from vacations we went on. He told me it was to make her feel better and I didn’t know what it was like to be in prison and I was being insecure and jealous.
Don't waste your time feeling guilty or embarrassed. None of asked for this, we only wanted to find love. As long as we learned a lesson and we don't repeat it, that is what matters. They are Masters. I call them "Hollow People." In my case he became dangerous. I am a respected professional and he made me feel like a second-class citizen. I am grateful for Dr. Doctor Ramani. Every time I went back, I listen to her and finally got the guts to finally leave for the last time. Thanks!
I think the hardest part is to realize if you’re in a narcissistic relationship... there are so much doubt and confusion that you don’t see the truth and you’re scared of making a decision to move. You’re scared of being wrong.
As for me...I scared to be right.
Wowww! Hey guys this is me 5 months later after writing that comment above, and GUESS WHAT!?!?!?
I ended up moving out a few months ago and all the confusion, uncertainty, fights, insecurity have disappeared!
Of course it’s still not so easy in the beginning easy and I’m still recovering, but it was the best decision to make!
Thanks Dr. Ramani, 6 months ago (April/2021) I had NO IDEA about this narcissist personality disorder and I was suffering, didn’t want to live life anymore, I am not even lying I was living a miserable and extremely sad life.
I own you and your TH-cam team the biggest THANKS!!!!
I rented my own apartment, I am making extra money to survive, and it’s not easy, but the peace I feel is priceless.
We still share custody of our son, but so far it’s working.
Thanks again for this amazing channel that was the reason why I was able to wake up!
@ Wow good for you! 21 years with him since I was only 19 I’m scared of the unknown but can’t keep living like this. I don’t even recognize him anymore!
@@crystalcleveland756 hi 😌 I’m not gonna lie that’s everything is amazing now, it’s still not easy, but it gets better and better and you become this journey to get to know yourself. It’s priceless.
You're so right. I'm even chastising myself for being such a coward. It's normal then? Sorry self :(
I have stopped watching for a while because it has become a trigger, the more I watch videos on narcism the more I felt anchored from the past, stuck in endless loop of rumination. But the title resonates and I just had to watch it. I am in a better place than 4 months ago . The rumination is still a daily battle, an hourly battle even, but I have learned to cope, thanks to Dr Ramani.
Exact same. I’m still coping and understanding what happened to me and my parents with a childhood friend and her parents. They used and abused us
I can't watch too many vids from Doc Ramani or anyone else because it's triggering for me too, as well...I don't want to be stuck in that shit show, that downward spiral of "why didn't I?"
@@gowiththeflow3791 I take breaks now and then. It's "ok" to do that. As we heal, we need space to process each thing we're working on, so it's ok. I got over loaded with Dr. R. about a month ago. I'm back now, refreshed, and glad I am. Todays video is perfect for me, almost every word.
🤗
Yep. Can't watch all the time. This one was stunningly right on, though.
Validating but sad to see all the people who feel the same as I do! Wow.
Don’t forget the grief of missed opportunities. For me, it’s the lost years when I could’ve been with someone who actually cared about me. I refused those opportunities because I was committed to the wrong person. Can’t find the right person wasting time with the wrong one.
I hadn’t thought about this.. all the good, kind, loving people I’ve missed out on. Sadness.
Yes, and a real future instead of Future Faking.
I feel this.
Whoa. That’s my life.
Mine was a police officer for 17 years .We dated on and off . He was older and I was dating others also. We had JUST started a relationship about two years before he was arrested and went to prison.
I think of those 9 years I spent turning down dating opportunities while he was incarcerated. Because prison visiting takes time out of life. Driving . Standing in line. Visiting. Driving home . I was working, and visiting . THATS ALL.
And after release , I ended it after 18 months. You can fill in THOSE blanks perfectly.
I had to save myself.
No experience in this life is wasted. I now take part in giving spiritual retreats on the inside for long term female offenders and on the outside for women who have incarcerated loved ones. Kairos Inside and Kairos Outside.
To volunteer to help OTHERS saved my soul and grief and made sense of my time spent w a Narcissist. I am actually grateful for the experience . HOWEVER,
I NEVER MARRIED. And now that I’m 57 and w the pandemic and all , I see WHY people get married!! LOL ..
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD .. because my own mother is a Narc . Not a great example! Thankfully my dad was a wonderful man or I would be an even BIGGER MESS.
Spot on. Thank you.
Hardest thing in the aftermath of life with a narcissist is realizing you lived alternate realities & you invested everything into the ultimate lie.
I told him, we have different "realities."😢
I too had to realize that my marriage was a farce and a lie. That’s when I realized that I had to file a divorce. Thank God we didn’t have any kids.
Thank god!
@Allen B same!
Yes the kids are a major thing....
@Allen B and the only thing that encouraged me to leave was my son. Could not imagine my son at the receiving end of his selfishness and rage...
YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME, AND I AM SO GLAD I DID NOT HAVE CHILDREN!!!!!!!
Realizing after 25 years that my mom is a covert narcissist is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. 2 years later and it still kills me inside every day. I’m trying to heal but it’s so hard to know that your entire life was a lie. She lead me in the wrong direction every step of the way, convincing me I was insane in the process. 25 years of bad decisions, bad habits and isolation trying to win my mothers love, only to find out that I never will. It feels like Im starting my whole life over as a toddler in an adults body. So many things I need to relearn because she was teaching me wrong.
I´m so sorry to hear that! i hope you find all the ressources you need to heal step by step! at first the knowledge of what happened feels like an extra curse on the already present pain, but it is also the thing has the power to set you free from the prison you were in. much love
I'm in the same boat. My mom forced me in to college and now I've graduated with a degree I don't want to use and serious debt, forcing me to have to move back in with her. I don't have anywhere else to go and she drained my savings account too. I've recently gotten a job and I'm hoping to save up and get myself out. Wish me luck. :) I hope that you will be able to carve a way out for yourself too. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
OMG! I so much feel you. Its heart breaking.
That's it! Starting your life over, a toddler in an adult body!
I can totally relate! It took me 28 years 😩😩
The narcissistic relationship is filled with loss and grief. After it’s finally over, you feel like you have lost so many valuable things. Time you’ll never get back, money that you could have saved, and the person you used to be are all lost due to something that was never real to begin with. It’s hard to grasp how one person can do so much damage, only to move on to the next target after they’re done with you. It’s just amazing that someone can be so heartless.
Naseem, I can relate entirely. I felt EXACTLY the same way.
It rocks me everytime..... they cant be human
It’s just amazing that someone can be so revolting .
I CAN RELATE TO EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE SAID 100%.
What I try to speak out in words to my therapist.. u hit it on the head.
I can’t help but feel such sadness when I read how many years other commenters have spent in toxic relationships. I only spent 4 months with a Narc and just left. But the grief and deeply exhausting emotions I feel, I can’t imagine what you guys that spent YEARS must be going through. It scares me, actually. My heart goes out to you all. Sending my love everyone that has had to deal with this type of person. It’s so draining and difficult. 💓
31 years here & yes, it's devastating. I've been on the brink of ending it all several times. My best friend made me pinky promise not to & sometimes I rue that promise!! She has literally saved my life
I can`t even describe it
27 years now, just realising what has happened. Unfortunately, it took a collapse of my health two years ago, for me to start looking into my life. So, I now have to repair my health, while going through everything that Dr. Ramani explains above and also finding a way to get out.
I spent 4 months with a fake/narc
50 years
I am 24 and had been with my narcissist since I was 14. I watched two of your videos and left. I read your book and understood. Thank you so much for taking your time to do all of this at no cost.
Thank god you were able to get away with most of your life still ahead of you. When you're in your 60s when you finally figure it out, the dilemma is there's no easy way out. Huge sunk cost and for most people a divorce at that point would be financially catastrophic, and no time or ability for most people to rebuild retirement savings. I am so glad for you.
@@alanalbin7432 ď
oh she gets paid handsomely, dear
You are 24 run as fast as you can before you are 45 and the walls are closed around you.
I hope you're on the right healing path!
You can't unsee and you can't unknow once it becomes obvious.
I think the most tragic is when a child is raised by a narc and thinks that everything is normal, including questioning their own thoughts/feelings/sanity. I've been grieving for over a year now - grieving the relationship that will never be possible with my narc parent, grieving the life and accomplishments I was not allowed to have because of them, grieving so, so many things. It should be criminal for children to be raised by narc parents. The damage that is done is tremendous and will follow that child for the rest of their life.
So true. All of it. It’s been about a year for me also.
A year of ptsd I would say.
Oddly, NOW I feel like I’m living in someone else’s life…
I guess I’m still grieving the loss of the life I THOUGHT I had.
Idk. It’s all very strange, isnt it?
I’m grateful for hose who share their experiences here.
Thank you, so much .
I understand thanks for sharing. I think the dv relationship I ended which was awful was easier to recover from, than now. I'm in my 50s and my Mother has been an Authorative malignant narcissist. My Sister is back to being the Flying Monkey. I am grieving and stagnant. It's abuse that others cant see.
I am so damaged. Both my parents. The realisation of what they are has hit me like a horror film. 53 yrs old and all the stuff they put in is suddenly coming out and it's a huge bowl of spaghetti. This was supposed to be my life.
"The accomplishments I was not allowed to have." Damn, I felt that.
That is how I was raised by a NARCISSISTIC father and older sister..I acted the same way until I was in my 30s and realized my life was unbearable. now at 64, I am terminally alone and understand WHY AS AN EMPATH I was so abused by everyone. Hurt people don't always hurt people. All I VF wanted to do was help heal the man who was hurting me. I failed terribly
letting go of him was the hardest part ever. It never been so hard to let go. I truly love(d) him and still wish deep down that he really isn't a narcissist. But I'm putting myself first and my sanity and staying away.
Leaving him almost killed me! I was devastated!
My children is what grieves me so deeply, the manipulation with them. The physical abuse ultimately was it for me. I couldn’t do it any more
Y’all are all such strong women 💪 ❤️ keep going, respect yourself enough to walk away from someone whose sucking the life out of you day by day no matter how much you loved them. It’s time to take a stand and be the leader of your own life, you don’t need a partner to be happy with yourself!! Stay blessed y’all 😌🙏💖
@@Megbars98 Thank you so much, for the sentences
@@Megdracula hormones, they play Satan savior complex. Beating u down then showing u a little love to cause u to be addicted to him. Start at a friend's for a few days and create a plan. Detox him out of your system.
Referencing being with a narc with a Black Mirror episode is the perfect example of a relationship with a narcissist.
Mop mop
It is exactly like that! I’m still in shock for all the lies
Yes! The absurdity of it all. The crazy making, the word salad, the gaslighting, the flying monkeys.... they all could made into metaphors of alien, technology gone awry, false imagery. But the only thing that is real is our sense of betrayal. On my part, I’m working on adjusting my narcissist alarm, making sure is in good order, and on being the most uninteresting person in the world for the narc.
Doctor Foster on Netflix
Yes just like a black mirror episode. Interesting enough we used to love to watch that show together
Dr. Ramani, you are saving lives and you don't even know it. May you be forever blessed.
I don’t have money or time for the luxury of face to face therapy. So these videos help so much. Thank you for taking the time to posts these.
Same here!
December 1, 2020 I was able to have a mental funeral for the man I THOUGHT he was and the woman I had become from being with him. That was the beginning of my healing.
Great description
How are you now?
@@sadiemoreno3642 Living my BEST life! My light is back, my peace is back. I'm stronger and wiser, and the peace is priceless! I will NOT give myself away ever again.
@@cloyewoods This is such a hope for me that survivors who with deep pain broke away the string of their abusive narcissistic relationships had gotten their lives back. For me, the date is August 01, 2022 and I am trying my best to not contact the narcissist again, regardless of how much I get the urge to prove him that he did wrong and he was emotionally abusive. I hope, I keep this consistency intact.
@@cloyewoods keep going! i wish you all the best in life!
His marriage promise the day of our wedding, " I know that you have had a hard life, I am going to give you the best life". One year later, the mask came off and a devil appeared. I wanted out then. But 25 years later, tormented, manipulated, and then finding out his whole personality was a lie from the beginning. Now that we are older, I am still working out how to start a good life at 69 years old.
I'm 68....not likely I will get out....a wasted lie of a life.
Sorry you guys. It’s never too late
I can relate. While we were engaged, my narc wife told my mother "I will be the best daughter-in-law you ever had". Then we got married. Then she told my mother "You will never see our kids, you will never babysit for our kids"
I just turned 67 and have been free for almost a year after believing my life was going to be miserable forever. Well thank God he walked out, filed for divorce and bought me out of our home, all intended to punish me. What happened was he made me financially able to get my own place and go through a stressful divorce. Thank God it's over and I'm free of him. The hole he was digging for me, he fell into himself. He fell on his own sword. Start praying and believing that God will deliver you and He will. Now I trust only in the Lord.
@@Suzu52 please don't give up hope, Susie. I am not in the best of health, but I surely don't want him to be my caretaker lol. Nor do I trust that he would make the best decisions about anything else. Dear Lord, I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.
45 years, duped! Now I'm 65 years old. I guess that's all I get in this life, a big fat lie!
So hard to comprehend and not blame myself. Breathtaking . . .
Married a younger man 36 years ago. Had a son with him. Because of all the trauma, my son had a complete breakdown at 21. He's still with me. He's a very sweet soul. My husband, goes for yrs. Being somewhat nice so I just stuck with him. The last year my husband started drinking again, doing drugs and became so verbally abusive i had to put him out recently.. I am left with very little income, a pile of debt, and total hopelessness. My husband has already hooked up with a much younger victim, smearing me and acting like the nicest person on earth. He's quite an actor. I am now 73 with very little hope for my future. Its devastating. I have been duped big time. The pain and regret is overwhelming.
@@marilynchapman1961 Oh, Marilyn! Your story is so similar to mine. Luckily, my "children" are adults now and have been my rocks. Sending you and your son hugs and healing!
I feel your pain, Vicki. It was all a big lie. Just shy of 49 yrs for me. Married him when I was 18. He died a year ago today. I just want to remind you of the freedom we feel now that we're liberated. The narc will never feel that freedom. Blessings to you.
Another Baby Boomer...go and make a GOOD life for yourself. U can, I know it! Be kind to yourself!
Try to put urself first. Buy coffee cups with sayings about a great person u r. I buy them all the time now so my morning cup of coffee comes with an "atta girl"!
I kept questioning if he really is so toxic because there is the voice in my head telling me 'but he's always been there for you!'. Then I actually stopped to think about it. What has he actually DONE for me? All of the 'being there for me' has been future faking; it's all just been WORDS. Every little thing he actually did 'for me' came with enormous demands within days, sometimes hours of doing it.
A very wise Japanese expression goes like: if you want to know someone's character, words don't matter, but actions do.
Yes, I have this same problem too. "She was always there for you!" But I had to ask myself: "was she REALLY???" No, because it was all BREAD CRUMBING and duping you to think they were supporting you, but it's all BS and lies and manipulations, followed by gas lighting and crazy making.
I felt the same in my relationship too. My ex narc would always say that he is there for me! Only words
I was just thinking about this yesterday, and I asked myself thr same question? What did he do for you? And why didn’t you see that he actually did nothing?.. it was all because he always stressed on the fact that HE DID and ALWAYS did things for me, at the end I believed his words not his actions :(
@@rou-ba6094 It's important we don't beat ourselves up for not recognising it sooner. Congratulate yourself on seeing it NOW! For all the years of not seeing it, there are people who did not see it for even longer. We're doing well to see it at all! Big hugs, you're on the path to recovery and healing! 🤗
I know someone who is right now saying "how could I be that stupid!" My heart breaks for them
I can’t believe I fell for ALL of it 😔
Ikr
Neither can I.
You're not alone. We all believed their lies.
We didn't know what we didn't know. Still hard to accept, but at least it helps to forgive yourself a bit.
When you are a genuine person, you don’t even consider it’s ppl out there that can deceive on this devilish level. It’s only now do we know these ppl exist. It changes how you look at ppl going forward.
That was the worst part for me.
The "Confusion", was exhausting.
No more confusion
Yes! Their mood swings are the worst - never knowing if you were going to get the mean version of them, or the (fake) "nice" version. So very draining . . .
Gosh she is so smart. I am 8 months out from living under this person and things just get clearer and clearer. My headaches have even gone away. I rarely need naps anymore. Even my physical health is improving.
Agreed. All that negativity I got blamed for having disappeared. I stand taller. I laugh and smile more. I've even lost a good bit of weight.
Getting away from the narc is freeing. Life changing.
My chronic pain disappeared, lost weight, skin clearer, less anxious, feel more positive. He discarded me 4 months ago & moved in with another woman the same day he left my place in a temper. Now he’s miserable & feels like the victim.
The entire ordeal is extremely draining.
Same here about the naps, its weird how tired he made me
Good for you. Me too
I am so tired of my intelligence being questioned when repeatedly being lied to.
" I'm Nobody's Fool" has become my life mantra. DONE.
Yes, as a senior citizen, I am struggling with this everyday now as I pack up my entire life, forced out of my home of 25 years, by a covert narcissist who has trumped me out of everything, leaving me with nothing but empty promises broken, the loss of my oldest son, no source of income, no retirement. I will survive physically but the lesson of learning my entire life was about giving everything, my good name, credit, my money, my entire empathic self to someone so underserving is gut wrenchingly hard to realize it was all for nothing can destroy many a day. I can only hang on to God to see me through!!
I will always be grateful to you Dr. Ramani for your channel taught me what I was dealing with, how to manage and save myself from the abuse!!
That's it! God, he will see you through. I can promise you that...and the only reason I can promise you is because it's God's promise not mine! ❤
@@kristen1856 Hey thanks Kristen for sharing his word, having faith to prove people care!
And a really good lawyer.
@@nancybrownlee6518 🤣🤣 and that too!
You are so courageous ❤️ Keep going x
I finally worked up the courage 8 days ago to end my relationship with my husband who I have been with for 19 years. I have had a sense of peace since the day I made him leave. I've also cried many tears but I am so proud of myself for finally doing what I've known needed to be done for quite some time now. I was so scared & now I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I welcome & appreciate any prayers or good thoughts sent my way.
💌 Much Love from Oklahoma 💌
Sending you thoughts and strength. Well done for being courageous. X
I’m praying for you in your turn to sanity.
May you have peace of heart and soul
I wish you a new brilliant chapter in your life: stay strong, live it and be true to yourself! Forza from Italy.
The night I spent last day under same roof as him, I remember praying and asking my dead grandparents to help me if they see me. I am praying for you right now. I hope you are financially stable.
The hardest thing is when you have children with a narcissist and you have to continue the lie for their sake.
Exactly! My life with my husband, a narcissist, has turned into a nightmare, but for the sake of the children it's hard for me to leave. my marriages are a trap for me. I hope someday I will be free. Be strong!
The last 15 years of my life I’ve been horrible but the last two years after I saw her with the mask off on the Internet bad mouthing me and meeting strange men for sex it’s just ended in the last week or two after she called the sheriff on me and gave them her gun and told them that I held her at gunpoint I filmed her talking to the dispatch saying these things she was sitting at the table calm as a cucumber saying she feared for her life and sounded like she was crying. Now I’m in the house it’s empty Department of children services relocated my kids with a cousin of mine my kids see her they don’t understand it but to them it feels like she doesn’t love them because of the indifference and the coldness and the flat affect. And just today I thought I’ve decided that I’m going to have to go somewhere where no one knows where I am and take time for me and I told her she would just have to be a mother and emotionally support her children but how do I look at my children and know that I left them with only her to emotionally support them ? Things are escalating on a cycle that seems to be speeding up since I took her back after the Internet thing. Well I can tell you is that my children’s lives has not been better because I took her back I thought at the time that I should keep their mother near them at all cost but I wish I had cut loose 10 years ago all of that wasted energy all of the wasted resources and in the end you end up in the negative what you should do is put your energy into something else and create something else for them. Now I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to do that and I’m afraid I’m breaking and that even my love for them won’t bring me out and that I will fail oh God
Wishing you strength to endure this. Praying for your children.
You don't have to. Don't use your kids as an excuse to stay. In fact, their well-being is even more reason for you to leave.
@@lauraantivero4595 absolutely. That's what I had to enjure as a child. Growing up thinking my father should normally treat me that way, and my mother told me she stayed because of me. Then it just made me blame myself for everything we were put through. Staying is so harmful to the children. Now trusting men is so hard for me.
True: Leaving is extremely exhausting, but ultimately, worth it
I have so much respect for Dr. Ramani. She’s straight forward, no sugar coating and is a hero for many of us; providing free , useful information to help us cope.
Thank you 🙏🏼
With her help I saved myself. It’s been hard but life is better. Peaceful & stable, which is something I’d never have with a narcissist.
Yes a true hero I have found so much help in healing here and much of it in the comments but so much of it from Dr R
Yes! Thank-you for offering these life changing video. I wish I had a therapist like you to go see.
Saving my life
it's like GRIEVING your biggest DREAMS and a GHOST you loved. A ghost that could be everything you wanted, your soulmate and a lover. But never was...It's far more painful than grieving a real person. And still ruminating, between despair and clinging to hope, I'm ashamed to admit that....
@Brian G It's so heartbreaking. I still can't believe someone can be so heartless. Similar happened to me. Soon after I moved to another continent to live with him I was asked to look after his dying brother. His brother was a wonderful person, I really liked him. My ex used to say that me and his brother were the most important people for him, only people in his life he cared for. That after his brother dies he only has me. So it made me feel really important. And I really wanted to help looking after his brother. I thought we were a team. But you're never a team with a narc. I was alone sitting by his brother side when he was dying. I had never been in such situation before. It was emotionally difficult but I got no support from my ex, no recognition how I was feeling. Not even a thank you. It was all about him crying crocodile tears. The next day he
discarded me. He yelled at me right in front of his brothers body..... and told me to move out. He forbid me to go to the funeral. I wonder how much he had to lie to people at the funeral to tell the story to exclude my part in it! But narcs all life is a lie.....If it wasn't for other amazing people I'd be homeless on the other side of the world or would have to find a hotel and buy a ticket back to Europe ASAP.
Probably he was very disappointed that I got a nice place to live with great people for free so he started texted me awful degrading messages tjat I'm imposing myself on other people and that I should go to a hotel and that he in his great generosity would buy me a ticket "back home" Europe.
I was in a state of shock. A few years passed since then and I think it still affects me.
I'm at fault too. I was so love bombed at first that I was in denial of what was really happening. With the future faking I caught the bait. I should have stood up for myself. I should have told him I'm not going anywhere, I flew here, left my life in Europe to be with you and you said your home is my home so I'm not going anywhere.
I'm even more at my fault because a month later I was back with him. His promises were less romantic now but still we were to be together to create a new life, to follow the dream.... though dream was tattered I wanted to cling to it, I couldn't let it go yet..... But how can you live with someone who is in denial of his words and acts? Someone so unstable that you have to be careful not to upset him. Till now, a few years later he never apologised for anything, whenever I mentioned it he would either deny or turn the tables it was my fault or get upset and attack me for being unable to let go of the past.... because of all other things he'd done for me.... and even more the things he wants to do for me..... really?
The mistake I made is that though in the end I left we've been still in touch for a few years! So I couldn't really move on emotionally. Part of me still loves the person he faked he was. I even thought of flying back there and starting all over again.
I'm so grateful to have come across Dr Ramani and also Ricjard Grannon videos where it's all explained. That codependent mechanism. And it was scary to listen to Dr Ramani narc dictionary series and finding out that he ticked all covert narcissist traits....
I wish it was different but I must see the reality and stop fooling myself.
@Brian G I came to understand there's never closure with a covert narcissist. It's for us to walk away and stop looking back. But it's hard.
@Brian G ruminating is so exhausting It seems to take last few years of my life. Last few months spending informing myself thanks to info shared by Dr Ramani and Ricjard Grannon mainly, and a few other therapist. So the ruminating is less. We.must accept that's going to take a while. That it's.not tje same when we break up after an honest relationship. I still have this - what if? Or I judging him too harshly? What I finally did, though I was ashamed to admit I told two of my friends all the nasty details about his narc outrage, gasslighting and future faking. They were shocked because.kostly they new rje romantic big dreams big plans part of the story. I asked them, please hold me accountable - if I decide to go back to him (part of me still wants that!) Please remind.me all of it, how none of tje plans and.projects he never followed, how he didn't have time or energy to do tje simplest things qenplanned while he would spend weekends helping a stranger to impress them. How when I needed him I was alone. His nasty world salad when he got into his narc rage. Now thanks to Dr Ramani I have tje words, the concepts to describe what was going on. All covert narcissists seem so similar, it really takes the charm , the spell I was under what an intelligent and smart guy he is.
@Brian G oys so unbelievable for "normal".People that t we keep ruminating and get stuck in denial of what really happened
i feel alike!
Feels like I’m going through stages of grief. The man I thought he was is dead. He never existed. Realizing what I went through WAS abuse. I’ve came here a couple times before. Then he suddenly didn’t hate me anymore. He was suddenly kind. And I forgot completely things that happened. Repeat repeat.
THIS!!!!
@Mary Carroll Lol..
Recently I came across a very interesting article explaining that prolonged emotional abuse creates a pseudo-personality in the target (one programmed to believe the abuser, seeking to please them, hoping for a better future etc). This explains why we sometimes snap out of it and see things very clearly, to then return to the old patterns during the honeymoon phase.
Yep.
@@mobwatch8119 interesting. I would love to read it. I can see myself over the years. Living in his delusional world w him. Still don’t know if he really believes I’m the abuser or not, but he probably does. I sure as hell don’t care anymore tho!
So so so glad to be out. Even if he thinks he has the right to torment me the rest of time. I’m not in that hamster wheel anymore!
When we resolve the cognitive dissonance by finally figuring out our partner is a narcissist, thus allowing us to finally put all the puzzle pieces together (or a lot of them, anyway), I think one of the things victims feel is a visceral revulsion. This is coming from the same part of the brain (perhaps) as our revulsion at the sight of a disgusting parasite like a leech or a tick or worms etc. The realization that the narcissist is basically no different from one of those parasitic wasps that stings its pray and lays eggs in it for the larvae to eat the paralyzed prey alive, or let's say like a Xenomorph facehugger from the movie "Alien", and we are not a partner, but rather a parasitized, and paralyzed, host upon which the loathsome parasite has been feeding, sometimes for decades, while we have been trapped in our delusional paralysis state, really triggers the primitive "revulsion" centers of the brain. It's not just cognitive dissonance; it's not just ruminating; it's an overwhelming sense of visceral disgust.
YES
I REALLY want to like your comment, and I do, but I’ll admit I’m immature and don’t want to mess with the number of likes ur comments has on it right now. Double digit
Yes you hit the nail on the head...I'm so repulsed
How i feel thinking of my mother...i go from disgust to feeling sorry..wondering how as a woman she had to live a cold life more than dark men themselves..none is matched with that woman's wickedness
I appreciate your analogy to parasitic insects.
I was thinking recently that there is no parallel to what that wasp does in the human world. Then I realized that is the overwhelming, horror-filled experience with narcissism.
The behavior is not human, not mammalian or reptilian. The gaslighting and mind-f is like a spider injecting paralyzing poison, wrapping in a web and sucking out life-force.
Mayhem (maiming) is a medieval tort crime of weakening an identified rival so they cannot fight back. It could be making blind in one eye, crippling one or both legs, disabling a hand or an arm.
Narcissists: insects, criminal behavior
The one experience I wanted in this life was true, deep love. I invested 24 years into an empty vessel. Now I’m learning to truly love and trust myself. I have my own back 100% of the time now. I’m becoming my own best friend and the love of my life.
Yeah you go girl, love yourself wholeheartedly💕
Yesss!!!
I love this perspective. Thank you
My mother's worst lie: when you were born our camera didn't work anymore and we couldn't afford to fix it until your brother was born. I looked at those pictures recently, I'm barely on them like my best friend noticed. I remember asking why when I was a child and she replied that wasn't true. That's so cruel to do to a child. Narcissists have no souls.
My father was a narcissist and I barely have any pictures from me as a child. He didn't refer to me as "she"... I was "it"... so when I was 4 years old and crying about something he would say to my mom "it" is crying. It's a comfort for me to know there are other people who got threw the same stuff as I did. Take care, you are not alone.
My covert narcissist ex, I just want to share my story because now this is a big problem here in the UK for many women: My ex husband married me but he was talking to girls but he still married me, he didn't provide for me then after a year of marriage he went Pakistan and got married to another girl, then he divorced her. After sometime he got a girl pregnant, he told her a big bag of lies about me and this Muslim girl didn't know about me but he was still with me. I found out and got divorced but he was cheating on her with other girls and she was pregnant, moved her out of London so she dont find out about me. SubhanAllaah
Now my husband lied and tricked me into polygamy marriage, I cry and I'm so upset how a man cant lie and trick me into polygamy marriage SubhanAllaah. The other wife dont know about me, he moved her out of London Tooting area to Blackpool in 2019 summer time, so I dont leave him, now he tells me their is no wife "Sakina", I said because you moved her to Blackpool so I cant tell her now and the wife didn't even question him, the mans moved you out of London SubhanAllaah.
I'm warning you sisters please!!!
Be careful sisters, dont trust noone. Most Muslim brothers have other girls and that's how it is nowadays SubhanAllaah. My was husband had me and her then he was talking to other girls for marriage, he didn't tell these girls he was married with children.
He was talking to girls online and his family took him to see other girls at their homes "CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT" you know your son is married with children and your taking him to see other girls for marriage SubhanAllaah.
Alot of guys are married or have secret wives and secret girlfriends and secret children SubhanAllaah Ya Allah so please be careful, be careful. I cry so much because I love him, unconditional love Allah swt put in my heart for my husband.
Now I'm suffering with mental health issues, emotional abuse too because he was married I got a infection from him too from him having sex with the wife and that's how I found out he was married to another woman SubhanAllaah. The wife still dont know about me Terrible. Warning th-cam.com/video/mkJF6G-I-Cg/w-d-xo.html
Similar story except i’m the baby. I got told at 8yrs old,
“Well, your first child you are always excited.”. 8yrs old and told that. Most painful things besides so much more said to me. It’s still painful b/c nothing has changed. Also b/c I was breech and so much more with my mom being nervous wreak.. “I would have had more kids but we had you.” b/c I was a colicky baby and they loved telling that story especially my mother to their friends. My whole life and well it certainly enabled my brother to bully me about it too as a child to my teens. I comprehended by the time I was 4/5 yrs old. Neither were my fault but apparently, I deserved to hear that as a toddler.
When you start to connect the dots with everything it comes over you like a huge wave & your world is shook seeing all the patterns of repeated emotional, mental etc abuses.
Same here. There are no young childhood pics of me, and I was told stories that I was horribly beaten and abused as a small child and no one did anything not even my mom. I remember being thrown out of rooms for no reason. My mother died and never mentioned in her title policies, though I cared for her regardless
Same here 😔
It's been 5 years and I still consider myself in recovery
Thanks for saying this. I feel so much better. Thought I was abnormal to be still recovering 5 years and more...
same here
I think most can relate. Recovery is a long journey.
Me as well, nearly 5 years.
Oh no! I am only four months in recovery.
Just remember this quote I love a lot " Life is 10% what happened to you and 90% how you react to it."
Choose yourself before anything and you will recover in no time. I promise you.
Just let go of the feelings of shame, of guilt, of everything negative about you. Everything you think bad about yourself is just an illusion just like the fake life you had with the narcisist.
God bless you all beautiful souls. Remember that narcisists love beautiful souls because they have light and good energy.
Such a bitter pill to swallow. How could someone that “loves” you lie right to your face? Let it out, let it go, and know better days ahead!
Janet Clayton,You are beautiful 🌹🌺🌹,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
My ex lied straight to my face---it was awful!
Yes. 100%. I was so broken, I almost took my life. The long story of complex trauma and abuse. Ruminating was my primary feeling. Astonished. The cruelty was absolutely maddening. Letting go is scary, but the strong women and friendships I have as a result have forever changed me for the better. I will live the rest of my life with my beautiful tribe and that self-absorbed turd is not my concern. I feel sad for our daughters who internalize the evils, but I have faith that the beautiful friendships and family they have, including me, will help the develop wings where they too can fly. We will glow up. We can and we will.
I feel it
WORD FOR WORD WHAT IM GOING THROUGH, DAUGHTERS DEALING WITH IT AS ADULTS AND WASTING 23 YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH A MAN THAT I ACTUALLY THOUGHT CARED, TURN INTO A CRUEL EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PERSON THAT TALKS TO ME LIKE I WAS THE MOST EVIL WIFE IN THE WORLD. I WASTED HALF OF MY LIFE WITH A MAN WHO IS 21 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. MY DADDY ISSUES AT 25, MY EMPATHY, MY CODEPENDENCY ISSUES MADE ME PERFECT PREY. NOW IM CLOSE TO 50 YEARS OLD AND IM NO LONGER WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, I'M IN HIS FACE CALLING HIM OUT ON EVERY LIE, EVERY TIME HE STILL EXPECTS ME TO LISTEN TO HIS FEELINGS I CALMLY SAY NO THANK YOU. WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A TWO WAY CONVERSATION AND NOT WALK AWAY ANYTIME I HAVE A VOICE I WILL CONSIDER LISTENING TO YOU RAMBLE ON ABOUT THE SAME BS I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO FOR 23 YEARS.
The years can heal all wounds but there is nothing to replace those lost years.
The highs and lows of this rollercoaster of clarity is overwhelming at times.
Some days I feel like I’ve got it all figured out and I can face anyone that day! And then there are days when I avoid everyone and try hard to keep those intrusive negative thoughts at bay.
It’s exhausting
The wasted time 20 plus years is what I can't get over. My youth my health both mental and physical were all sacrificed to nothing
This right here. The "best years of my life"--WASTED trying to love & please him. I'm in my 50's now--I can never get that back. It's the death of that hope that makes it so hard to press forward each day.
Married to a narc for 3 years. Seperated for 4 years now. I still can't remember one moment when I was actually just happy as a wife. Not one.
I can totally relate.... not one!
I was married to a narc for 12 years. Been out for 16 mos now. There is no happiness with a narc. Even when they're being "nice" for a period of time, you're always wondering when they'll shift to the abuse.
@@ufuomaadeyanju281 Sis, you're Nigerian.... Sending lots of love. This Narc issue is so so serious. It's the reason for most married women's depression. I see it in churches a lot. Spouses living lives of quiet desperation. Smiling outside, time bomb inside waiting to explode.
Wherever you are, I hope you're ok.❤️❤️❤️
@@avril.0_0 ❤️❤️❤️
@@vivianejik2138sis hmmmmmmm long story short I've "escaped" oo he still sends me "love letters" but on this platform I've received the knowledge I need to not give in to this fake begging. My sister stay well and educate friends and family because narcissism is not a known word in Nigeria.
And here is another example of the ability of the narcissistic to compartmentalize life. Knowing they are doing harm, yet continuing to do their evil.
Yes, he and his affair partner had separate boxes to compartmentalize Everything. It's how they live, no honesty, no integrity, no empathy. Lie, Cheat, Steal and easily pretend to be a decent person.
It’s called complicated grief… Its an intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss … And you basically grieve from what could have been, what you thought you had, etc…you have mixed emotions
Almost 2,5 years after leaving an eight year relationship - the rumination is just as strong as day one. I am sad that I have been changed forever.
Let them go brother, they're not worth one more second of your time. Be strong! Move forward to the 'light' after the darkness and writing new and 'happy' chapters in your life.
If you don't find the reasons you were a target to the narcissist then you're at risk for it to happen again. Find out what your deficits are because the narcissist did. Narcissists are excellent at sniffing out your weaknesses and when the love bomb phase is over they exploit every one of them. Once you figure that out you won't be sad anymore as you will be enlightened about how much you have discovered about yourself that you did not know. DO NOT allow the narcissist to continue to torture you as you have total control on your emotions and you can choose happiness over sadness
You have been changed for the better, because you now know and can better protect yourself. They understand our weaknesses and they use them against us, now we know them better.
Immensely suffering myself, I hope you feel better soon.
It is true you have been changed forever- but only you get to choose HOW you have been changed! Where you were when you left or where you are now need not be your final destination.
It is true is that you will forever be different than the person who originally fell for the ruse, and from the person who originally stuck around, and from the person who originally thought everything else in life was certainly ruined too. What a relief!
You are forever changing forever, hallelujiah!
It took me a very long time to recover. I grew up as the only child of a single narc mother. She isolated me from everyone not to mention I was just a child who so desperately wanted to be love and nurtured by my only parent, but got rejected instead. I dreamt of death because no matter how hard I tried I was still despised. There were so many layers to my healing, so very many. I’m better but I still don’t do romantic relationship (I’m avoidant) . It’s exhausting and lonely, I would never wish this on anyone.
Praying for you
♥️
Feeling rejected by a narc parent makes a child so desperate that they wish to die... it's a terrible experience
Letting go of that illusion is overwhelmingly sad. It may not seem so from the outside but it takes from us great strength and courage to just accept the truth without going mad at the same time.
So Very True
This resonated with me on several levels. The onion skin of lies can be revealed years, or even decades later. It's shocking that it can still blindside me over again.
Jamie Joy,You look cute 🌷dear
NO ONE deserves to be treated badly!
If someone treats YOU badly, hold them accountable, say what you need to say, walk away and enjoy YOUR life!
For some reason knowing it wasn’t real is hurtful but also comforting because they aren’t able to have any real relationships with anyone.
Just be happy that YOU can be happy, you can have deep real feelings and be compassionate.
The look in someone’s eyes when you make them happy and feel great and share beautiful moments is what life is about.
THEY can not have that... what a waste of life.
At the end of my life I will be so grateful I had those experiences. True connection is magic.
It's so good to remind all "authentic souls" of this, thankyou.
This comment is everything for me right now. Thank you ❤.
Grief is such a HUGE and often overlooked topic - especially when it comes to abusive relationships. As other commenters have said, the day we choose to forgive ourselves for what once blinded us, is the day we find freedom.
Thank you for this Dr. Ramani😢. You’re the only one who I can turn to. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends that my fairytale romance I once gushed about, was a bunch of bs. The pain and shock and denial is still strong in me, but I’m slowly disconnecting from him, even though he cries his alligator 🐊 tears 💧 and tells me he will change.
This is something I was thinking about this week...all the lies in my life are falling apart and I’m seeing my abusive parents as they are, as monsters
@And Be Balanced thank you, It’s been a month since I spoke to them and It is working wonders to my mental health
@And Be Balanced thank you so much!
The vail slowly lifts over the years. Therapy and this channel has helped my vision tremendously 🙏🏽Thank you
Dr. Ramani
I realized that my ex wife's smile in our wedding photos was fake. Devastating.
I am absolutely heart broken. I’ve come to realize that because I kept believing the angry rages/degrading comments toward our teenagers was the last time, for so much of my 30 yr marriage, my children suffered a tremendous amount. I’m frozen & don’t know what to do now.
I am right in this now. I needed to hear this today as woke up feeling so sad about the past. Grieving for my kids, my loss of self, my identity, the relationship (whatever that was!), the hopes, the dreams, the whole shebang. I feel so bad for letting myself down and not listening to my instincts and the cry of my soul. A time machine would be fab right now!
Thank you, doctor. Yesterday I was just thinking that a big part of my life with the narcissist was all a lie. And the worst thing is that I knew it all along but didn't want to admit it to myself. I just wanted to believe that lie.
Exactly. Yes you see the good in then you find he has no good in him.
It's totally worse if you're an empath an infj or any personality type that requires honesty caring compassion empathy it does such a number on us and our wellbeing it's hard it's a struggle to overcome it thank you dr. Ramani once again great insight for us
This one hits close to home. I'm generally happy and well balanced, so after separating from my narcissist wife, I thought I would finally be fine. After a couple weeks of being on my own however, I looked back on my 20 years with her and just thought of the wasted energy, time, lost opportunities for new jobs and loves, and the really poor example we set for our kids. This was compounded doubly for me because I have a psych degree and generally feel like I understand people. But it was that blindness that kept me from seeing it or acting sooner. Then it was "for the kids" which thankfully I decided was going to cause then more harm than good. This depression was profound because it was literally like experiencing the death of a loved one for me; that loved one being the wasted youth on a disingenuous person. Just the self-recrimination on having allowed this for so long was what really hit home. Nearly 7 years on, I still feel like I am getting my sense of self and confidence back.
I did 20 years as well and was trying to co-parent, but just recently it all became incredibly toxic and so, now i am doing 'parallel' parenting. Our son turns 18 in a few months and i will no longer ever have to speak to the ex again. He was incredibly rude to me the other day, on my late mum's birthday, and the week before, leading up to my own birthday, dramas blew up for our son. My physical health has been so badly affected, and both my son and I have been diagnosed with CPTSD. A relationship with a narcissist is incredibly devastating.
Right now, I am attempting no contact and have him blocked on social media
@@adele865 good first steps. Chances are he won't stop quite so easily. Be careful about fakes profiles and people who will do things like that for him. Not sure if he's a stalky type, but multiple "coincidental" public run-ins can be an issue for some too.
And being treated for CPTSD is a must. Good that you both are learning it together. That will help you both understand each other thru this difficult period or if your ex begins to push you two harder as he loses his grip.
Making the pain go away has been a life time. Not knowing what this was. Having no voice no one to talk too. I’m not mad just hurt. This online content helps me understand more and that I’m not alone. Thank you precious one.
The Narcissist:
"You're not attractive enough!"
"You're not intelligent enough!"
"You're not sexy enough!"
"You're not creative enough!"
"You're not successful enough!"
You:
Consider the "source"!
What nerve!! If that’s so, then why can’t they just get lost???
Those were the messages I got.
And the narc I was with who is an artist said to me when I was still with him, "your art is shit, you don't need to paint just be my muse" and he kicked in and destroyed 33 of my paintings! Along with much other abuse!
I would like to add..."If I am treating you bad, you deserve it"
@@kerry-anne39 I’m so sorry to hear that. 😢 The same thing happened to me. And the openness with which that monster said it to me. He said: “all of that (described my art, etc.): it’s nothing. Nothing.”. And years later, sabotaged and destroyed most of it, knowing it meant so much to me. The nerve it takes to destroy what he considered “nothing”. Hugs!
The rumination to this day still brings me to tears. And that's what he wants. And yet I still can't get thru it
@jane doe I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Rumination on an abusive past is very painful. I was raised by narcissists, both being my own flesh and blood parents. I also have some rough experiences with a couple of former bosses and a former coworker. Once it sank in that abuse doesn’t come from a place of love, and narcissists are just not capable of unselfish love or genuine consideration for others, so much of my ruminating that had gone on for decades stopped. I grieved, but now, although I’m still learning about NPD, I am in such a better head space and I’m thinking about myself in a more positive way, too. I hope this helps some. I wish you the best in your recovery. ❤️
@@staciwhite4276 thank you very much. Perhaps I am still seeing him positively ..or that I'm missing out. When deep down I'm so certain I am not. I will trying focusing on my many blessings when that feeling starts to rise up. Thank you for this!!!! I have a narc parent as well and I just put the kibosh on that relationship. It could very well be all the change too as a fixed sign. Like Dr Ramani, said im gonna have to exercise a bit of patience with myself. Thank you so very much. Lots to think on!
It will sound strange but something that helps me was to change the way my inner voice spoke to me. I asked myself "what would I say to a friend that was going through something like this?" I assure you it would not be to tell them they were stupid, naive, crazy or to blame for everything. From that perspective I realized that I owed it to myself to treat myself with as much compassion as I would someone else.
It's so so hard. You are not alone.
@@courtneyinlow4011 This! 1000% this! This is so powerful. The last thing you need is to continue the abuse by shaming yourself. We have to love ourselves as a good parent loves their child unconditionally. The narc didn't give us that, so we have to find it in ourselves and feed our souls with it. Peace to you.
After all the financial abuse, telling me that God was blessing me financially for allowing them to freely stay with me for 6 years, they suddenly became vicious for telling people I was "carrying" them. He gave me $1.53 for electricity last month out of guilt I suppose, expecting my gratitude. Now I notice within me a feeling of unworthiness, and I am no longer able to ask anyone for compensatory payment for anything I sell or provide, goods, shelter, or services. While the abuse continues, I am stuck in this feeling without ambition to fight my way out. Family and friends are leaving me in desperation, convinced that I am content to continue living with parasites. I feel like I am dying from the loneliness.
Sell your home and move away alone. I am speechless about the money for electricity. What did they do, pick up coins off the street? Omg!
Last black episode - vacation with ex narc husband his girlfriend was at swimming pool and I never said a word about it, I was so traumatized by it I was speechless 😶 not the first time she had made an appearance where we were at😔they wanted me to go emotionally crazy in public 🤦♀️I was married to this man for 40 years 🤦♀️she wasn’t the first and probably won’t be the last 😔I was blind but now I see and it HURTS 😔thank you so much doc for the validation for many of us who no one believed 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐💐💐🙏
No joke, it's like molting: It's painful, some people won't recognize you afterwards, and the shell left over is *not* a delightful candied confection.
Thanks again, Dr. Ramani.
Stay strong, y'all 💪
Yes! I was just thinking about all the skin I’ve shed in the past year, and still have more molting to do!
Wow. Great metaphors!
I was 36 when I realized my life with a narcissist mother was a lie! It was something that shook me to my core. I remember having almost like an existential physical reaction to it. But thankfully I had the best therapist who knew my personality type and my analytical brain and helped me through it. The one good thing that came out of it was that she is never able to manipulate me or convince me of anything anymore.
Me too. I am 32. 7 months no contact.
I'm 21 and until last year I thought my narcissist mother was the greatest. When I moved out of state and came home for a visit it finally hit me that something was off. In the past few months I've been watching these videos and it almost makes sense now! Tonight my dad told me to leave their house (I was only other there to do something real quick). Honestly hearing yalls stories is helping me get through mine so much. Thank all for sharing ❤
👏👏🤞
@Sierra Pfiester same situation here! only i felt some things were off before, but dr. Ramani brought ne clarity, and my first year out of home was the best, it involved a lot of crying, processingand learning about psychology, but this year was a peaceful blessing to me and i know that with healing, there are many, evenmuch better years ahead of me
Going thru this right now. My doctor mom is a malicious Narcs. Cut me off from my older brother and sister... 38 and 40 y/o... These cycles never quit... Stay safe and heal!
I've been grieving for my mother who displays behaviours of someone who would qualify as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder - vulnerable subtype for a few year now. The mother that my brain made up to protect itself wasn't her - it was me. I raised me. Whoever you projected into your abuser, the good you saw, is in you. It's still there. Let's be there for ourselves. Sending love to everyone who needs it. 💖