In a relationship with a narcissist, there is no stability, consistency, comfort, or predictability. Who could be safe not knowing what may happen moment to moment. I was told, "I need you to trust me completely." I responded that I couldn't because he was sometimes very emotionally unpredictable, becoming angry with me for no reason whatsoever - and he became furious!
Hi Heidi. I agree 100%. I was raised by a severely narcissistic mother and the complex trauma and wounding has left me having neurological problems and a whole host of chronic illnesses, that I know are from absorbing all of that insanity. It's something that not a lot of people agree with but it is becoming scientifically proven that if you have lived with this kind of trauma your body will absorb it and you will have health conditions for sure. Thank you for your comment. I think it's important that people realize that. I hope that you take good care of yourself and I hope you're not suffering too much with health conditions.
right!!!! my heartbeat becomes rapid simply waking up in the morning because I'm antisipating "what next?" I'm frozen all day until the drama kicks in! it's horrifying.
Life with a narcissist is a zero-sum game. In order for the narc to feel safe and secure, the other person has to feel destabilized and like they are constantly walking on thin ice.
SparkJoy spot on. What is peace for us it is a dangerous and nightmare place to be to them. they need to rub us of from our balance and happiness so they can mess with our head and senses way more effective. That's their way to break down their subjects. In my opinion these creatures are not human only their body is.
Yup, they throw you curbs where there are not! Guess what? I was born with a very weak eye, deemed legally blind on my right side. That means seeing 3-D a challenge, boy do I have a balance problem, knee surgery to prove it on that side!
After leaving a narcissist it's like you can take a breath. You feel a little bit safer.....you're going thru withdrawal...a mourning....but it is so much easier to breathe a little. You are free to do whatever you want. You aren't under their critical thumb. That first breath of freedom is a Godsend.
We’re living this out on a national scale. No one feels safe, there’s so much anxiety and hopelessness. No matter what a narcissist does with their life, they leave people’s lives destroyed. I honestly wish we could exile them from the planet.
I always thought my intuition was off, that i was paranoid. Because they know what to say and how to play you. But I finally realised that my body is rejecting these people, and showing me they are not safe. Unfortunately I was in denial for a very long time, always ended up going back, thinking his words were true, and I was being paranoid. 😭
Paranoid can be due to low B vitamins due to gluten/stress which uses up B vitamins. I need no gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/GMO/food with a label/heated oils...take vitamins/good oils/minerals..probiotic..LDN..detox. Coenzymated B vitamins from Nature's plus helps me... Super B complex helps me.
Thank you for sharing. My “intuition” was correct as well, but I believed my mother’s narrative of my personality. It’s not easy to break free from a fictitious life that someone created for you. When your reality is altered it’s near impossible to discern truth v fiction. This shutdown has forced me to “see/know “ at the same time that people process information differently.
I walked on eggshells with my ex ( narcissist husband ) Finally got up the courage to leave. Was afraid he'd kill me but I got away. Life with him was Hell for 20 yrs. And it's been 20 yrs since I left. I remarried . A wonderful man who treated me so good I almost couldn't get used to it. I've never been that happy. He passed away 6 yrs ago. If you're in a narccistic relationship GET OUT !!. PLEASE!
Thank you for sharing your experience of removing yourself. I appreciate it alot. Tells me it can be done. And I’m very sorry for your loss of your partner. Wishing you all the best, TJ in U.K.
I'm almost 50 and just got out. I don't trust anyone but you give me hope may be there is someone out there that's nice and trustworthy. I'm so scared to start over n I don't even trust my own intuition and judgement. I.miss the imaginary man he was before his mask fell off n the lies were revealed. just devastating.
True. What's made it so bad for me is when it happens seconds after I made the mistake of thinking to myself how "we're getting along so well". Once while on vacation w/ our 4yr old grandson I thought,"we make a good team," the next words out of his mouth were telling me how I needed to shut up & stop telling him where to put the cameras in the backpack & let him do it his way,the better way. My grandson stood between us. I was shocked into silence. Later when I brought it up to him,he of course denied having said anything like that. That was the day I realized he has a serious hatred for me. GOD help me get out of this relationship. He disrespected me in front of my daughter now my grandson. I can't stand the sound of his voice most days because theres always the possibility he'll say something hurtful in the middle of a regular conversation then tell me I'm too sensitive. He can't tolerate anything but praise or he's wounded. I no longer give it to him so it'll be over soon I'm sure.
Omg same...lately I’ve been really tryna figure out perhaps the first time I felt that but I know I use to feel that way around my dad n he is a narc I haven’t talked to him in over 5yrs now
I remember explaining Maslow’s hierarchy to my narc, in an attempt to help them understand my point of view without calling them out. I said, “I can’t meet your higher level needs, if my safety needs aren’t being met.” They seemed to get it at the time of the conversation, but nothing changed and I would find myself explaining myself until I felt unloved. Happily “narc free” for 8 months and counting.
It sounds like your narc received the part about "higher level of needs" as flattery, and the rest you said was received as an admittance of inferiority. This sounds like a classic example of how narcissists twist what you say into their own narcissistic supply.
I can’t believe the amount of time it is taking to heal. It really is a demonic thing to deny a victims reality and society does it so often. Your videos makes invisible folks like myself get our health back. Thank you so much.
Its difficult when out 8n the world the service providers are of the generations that seem to be liking in empathy, hate boomers and don't listen. So the already shaky sense of safety gets reinforced as un safe. I've had a cashier at a drive through through all my coin change at me because I couldn't understand her accent, so in effect I was assaulted by coins I called for the manager, who was same ethnicity who saw the situation and slammed the window closed and locked it. These kind of encounters on top of the narc at home....yikes.
Since my childhood I've always had this feeling of danger in the presence of some relatives or friends. I couldn't explain it. It was some sort of instinct. Often I blamed myself for that feeling. Now this all make sense.
The past is over and you don't have to go back which recreates it for the rest of your life every time you go back. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You don't have to analyze everything to heal, but find the good in life and find people who treat you well.
Sounicka Zet. I completely understand. I feel the same way. Here is something that encourages me immensely. A promise found in the Bible at Isaiah 65:17. For look! Here I am creating new heavens and a new earth; And the former things will not be called to mind, Nor will they come up into the heart.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that. It's been my experience that the ones that behaved badly in the past are the ones that don't want it brought up. If I hadn't examined my past I would not have figured out what was happening to me therefore better protecting myself. I do have trouble with ruminating too much but I think the past should be paid attention to. Seems like the narcissists & flying monkeys would rather I have amnesia.
When you've seen what people are capable of, it naturally makes you wary. You've gone through the door you can't go back through, you can't unsee what you've seen. Now you know that people can do horrendous things and still seem completely normal. ANYONE you meet, regardless of how wonderful they seem, could be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't beat yourself up, just appreciate that you're having a normal reaction after being confronted with the evil that is possible in people.
😥Us as CHILDREN "I never felt safe in childhood, so I will make sure to choose someone I can trust." Us as 😰ADULTS, devastated from choosing a Narcissist, "It's not possible to ever feel safe, so I won't ever trust again," Thank you for helping so many understand these wounds, and the path to healing!🙏🏻
Wow. You've just summed up what I was struggling to find the words to say. My divorce became final this spring, and I've needed to shut down several well-intentioned friends who want to introduce me to men. Some day, I may trust myself and others enough to date. Today is not this day. Tomorrow doesn't look likely either. I am healing, but it will take time.
Dr. Kim, You can feel safe again if you choose someone safe & Grow into love you do not need to fall in Love to be Happy, I grew up in a Rectory off & on when I was not running away starting at the age of 7 as I was kidnapped and raped by three men. I tried staying at a friends house and I had no idea I was D.I.D. with a fearful Avoidant personality and extremely Somatic & Hypervigilant. One of my Parents had her husband tie me to the bed with a close line her new husband I thought was her brother at least that was what she told everyone until she married him & added two more children to destroy the witch shaved my head & my one sister who was the oldest was the Golden child and she took a knife to me & told me she would cut my Heart out if she wouldn't go to Jail for it & my Muslim sister who grew up in Houston wrote a book and no I do not talk to her I am a Devout Catholic not trying to promote this illness with these manipulative monsters and for most of you maybe you will understand when I first saw the Wizard of Oz it woke me up my freaking Mom was a Witch, my Hypervigilance I can live with. I bought a house in Vinings area in GA. and rent it out and moved to the country with my husband of 44 and a half years. Both my bio child and African American Adopted child are Business and want no children and they are okay. I had one Mischarge in the Rectory and the Priest always told everyone I was his Niece but I learned Business & was home schooled by the Parishioners and Nun's. I lost my only Daughter at 30 and I am one for situational Depression and it took me ten years to even want to live again. This Dr. understands this illness better than any Dr. I have ever seen and I am 62 going on 63 & still have to see a Dr. I have known in Atlanta since the 1980's. Dr. Kim use your instinct's & you will never fully trust again but my husband grew up on a farm & we ran Businesses for years together and are both retired. Peace Be with you and May the Blessings of Almighty God give you a Sense of Safety.
I'm sorry you didn't have s good childhood. My 19 year old assistant helped me though a crisis yesterday, because I had an accident and can't walk. His words of wisdom "why do people say you only live once? You get a new start with every day, the fact is you die one, so try to make the most of each day. Hopefully there will be many tomorrows " Hang in there.
You can't feel vulnerable, you can't express your real feelings, you just can't be yourself with the narc! It's like you think things maybe okay, but suddenly you are flung around into a huge spin and by the time you recuperate, there is another roller-coaster ride and this cycle continues to that point that you start doubting yourself. And the Worst part, no one close to you (family or friends) know what has really happened to you. They think you are the one who is just complaining for no reason. Fear just grows. I was forced to leave my job due this fear and threats in the relationship. I was so afraid, that I feared even to go back to the house I stayed with her after office! Unfortunately I have no friends at all now and the loneliness is just beyond words that I can explain. I am still running/jogging, praying, meditating, had been to some therapy (stopped this as it was expensive for long-term) and still looking for a job. It's a process. Also I just hope I can find a friend. P.S.: Dr. Ramani thank you so much . You understand what we go through so perfectly.
I was the scapegoat until I left home at 16 then became the peacemaker from afar in an attempt to make it better for my younger siblings still at home with both narsistic parents but it didn't work. Today I've been enduring anxiety depression and serial narsistic abusive relationships. Your videos are helping me untangle and understand my evolution that's made me unsafe, indecisive and suspicious. I'm 58 and just beginning to understand and untangle it all thanks to your videos and therapy. Thank you! I vow to do the work to get out of the unhappiness finally for good. It's been so hard but I have a lot of hope now.
That's wonderful sugar, I'm born in '61, the youngest of 3, saw alot of fighting with nothing solved, out at 17... Learned to maneuver it all, I guess, I'm trying to visualize my past obstacles as hurdles I managed to jump over, leave them in my wake, so nice to hear your wish of hope, any dealings with anyone covert mom dealt with is a messed up scenario, they were alot more contaminated, went on to contaminate me!
wow, so young at 16. i'm in my early twenties and preparing to get out soon (discreetly). Good to know that someone younger than me is able to get out.
I was the scapegoat as well. I left home at sixteen as well. And even though I left my severely narcissistic mother (who ruined my life) I got involved very toxic relationships that I was unable to simply walk away from. I really related so much to your comment and I'm glad that you feel you are finding some help after an extremely long journey of abuse. I just wanted to touch base and let you know that there's someone out here that really understands. I am 62 right now and I am still affected by the trauma that was done to me by my narcissistic mother. It can be so hard to heal. I wish you only the best and I hope that you take very good care of yourself as you find your freedom.
@@kavitadeva Wish we had all this information many decades ago! But better late than never ! Same story here... Youngest in the family, tried to be the peacemaker, but always backfired. Narc mother, Narcissist father, narcissist siblings to this day... ! Some turned out more dysfunctional than others... !! My mom kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen 14 !! Then series of abusive relationships, because that is all you know... Now I'm your age and realize SOOOO many years and attempts wastes on those horrible horrible and dangerously abusive people... ! Just happy to find a new 'family' of people on this site who can finally believe what I have to say, because they've experienced the same. One huge ray of hope is that the best years are ahead of us... Now that we understand the patterns and red flags, we can grow beyond all the pain and become stronger and better people than we have ever been before! Wishing you all a happy new life !!
Dating after a narcissisticly abusive relationship is difficult. It takes a very empathetic and emotionally healthy partner to patiently wade through the pervasive aftermath.
Was I the issue with my gf? Because I felt like she was a covert narc (all the red flags, discomfort throughout the relationship) but she blamed it on me being paranoid, that was distrustful despite her proving to me otherwise. I think what destroyed my trust with her was when I found texts of her talking disrespectfully about me behind my back, saying that she wants to be toxic due to something I said or did. Idk I just felt unsafe with her but I’m wondering if I was just the problem and too traumatized?
Around these people there is always this unsettling feeling that is overwhelming, but depending on how codependent you are, you will make excuses for like I did.
Hi Giovanna, I find your post very interesting and would really like to chat with you if possible. I'm currently in a unbelievably difficult situation and yeah, there's definitely (or at least there was in the past) co-dependency involved. Anyway, if you're prepared to chat, I'd value that.
It's funny, I never felt safe with my parents or my husband, I felt safe for the first time when I moved out on my own in my early 50s.... late 50s now, still on own and loving it, oh the freedom is wonderful. Took a while to get used to realising i can do whatever i like whenever i like and nobody is going to say "you can't do that, or say that". Dr Ramani is spot on.
@@UCZG thank you, it is so true, anyone can get out and really start to live. I know a lot of women that are scared to be on their own, but I think that comes from the gaslighting that is going on, and the sheer confusion it causes that you don't actually know it's happening. I have no family but have great friends... it helps that I love my own company too😊
@@frankfranco3626 you won’t regret it. Make a plan and don’t tell anyone unless you can truly trust them. Take one day at a time. For your own peace of mind. And down the track, yes there will be the good times that you miss but remember all the twisted game playing and mind games and that they would only get worse if you go back because they know they can control you again. Best wishes to you.
It is hard to feel normal after being abused by these prople. Like Dr. Ramani told us, get it in a safe place and meditate. Maybe even read scripture. It helps to bring you back down to earth, and realize that these people are only human and are not invincible. Build yourself up mentally as well as working out to build yourself up physically and you will feel a whole lot better.
These videos are so reassuring and make me feel validated and calm. It’s like yes, someone has put into words what I have endured. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! God bless you.
Wow! This is so true, while in the entanglement I never felt safe and I was emotionally & physically exhausted.... toward the end I told him I literally feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy! So happy he's gone...
It really is!!!! I started feeling paranoid, unsure of anything, questioning everything I do and say. And the worst part was me gauging his mood to determine if he's going to be nice to me today or not. I will never live that way again!
@@sibi938 Thank you so much for sharing!!! I love this community and Dr Ramani......it saved me mentally, I didn't know a thing about narcissism, but I knew his behaviors were not normal.... These videos have been everything for me
Same here. Left after 11 years. It was heart breaking. But i also had a narcissistic mother. And mt ex husband and her suited each other. I also unconsciously took on their behaviors This was shameful to watch and i realised i shouldn't for i want to be the best mother for my children. We all had to heal.
I've been making myself feel safe by changing the way I speak to myself. I realize I've been bullying and even gaslighting myself for many years. This has really been helpful for me
This is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. I'm an inherently optimistic person, but right now I am a cynic. I do not like this feeling of uneasiness.
I’m experiencing this right now, and it’s not a very good feeling. From the damage my narcissistic mother has caused me, yes I admit it, I have trust issues and am afraid of being gaslit again. Anyone else who is experiencing this you have my sympathy and I wish all of you well in your healing journey. Thank you Dr. Ramani for another great video. ❤️
RELATE!!!! I was raised buy a severely narcissistic mother as well. And I have never felt safe ever and I'm 62 years old now. I've been through so much therapy it's unbelievable. And still I have those deep wounds from the trauma I endured. I never want to be in another relationship again ever. I just can't trust the other person because I have been in relationships that were so toxic I'd rather be alone. I really felt your comment. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
@@josephuk2609 hi Joseph. I don't know if your reply was meant for me or not. If it was meant for me as I stated I'm 62 years old now I went no contact in my forties my early forties. That's the only way to do it, no contact whatsoever. Have a great day.
Exercise (running and weight training) has been the number one thing that has helped me through my fear. The book, "Brain Rules" and "Spark" helped me to understand the science of exercise. Meanwhile, I really do feel that I am being chased by a tiger on a daily basis, so if I can get better at running and build more muscle, then on a visceral level, i can flee faster and fight harder! 🏃♀️💪🐅
Sends your central nervous system into overdrive. Once you leave you really start to realize how you were consistently always in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, for the duration of the relationship, for the most part. Eventhough you're able to finally breathe, and relax after you leave, the reality of the damage the relationship did to you hits you. You realize just how bad things actually were, and the aftermath is devastating. It hurts, it leaves you upset with yourself, and aware of how its changed you.💔
Oddly i have always automatically trusted people, as if seeking a nurturing person in my life, but as soon as something triggers me about them- mostly betrayal , i cant trust again. Same end result...isolation
I think I was naively trusting because I had trustworthy adults in my life as a child. I grew up in a wonderful, close-knit multicultural neighborhood, up until high school. Because even our neighbors were so nice, I ended up thinking people are inherently good, generous and caring - only to learn in my adulthood (in other places) that many are severely damaged and dangerous.
This is 100% exactly true….living in a crime movie when you aren’t in a crime movie. EXACTLY. From childhood to one relationship to another…. I’m ready to FINALLY grow beyond all this insanity. I just want to meet someone Normal.
Just get away from the people who hurt you and don't go back. Parents may mellow out when older, but then don't take it personally any more since they are their best self even if not perfect.
@@danielkaiser8971 Gluten issues may get worse with age and they are less healthy unless they change their diet. Usually it is the natural help people who mention about gluten and not Conventional doctors so many people never get help, but instead drugs to cover symptoms with many side effect which really don't help. People do mellow out due to being lonely and desperate for people to help/have company. Labels like narcissism etc. have a spectrum depending on what they eat and amount of sunlight they get which helps gluten issues. People can heal, but may not get the right kind of help. ADD/narcissism/Bipolar/depression/anxiety/no sleep/panic/suicidal thoughts/codependency/eating disorders/addictions etc can be due to gluten.
@@Shasha8674 Gluten issues are resolved in the absence of gluten. When the absence of gluten is established, what remains cannot be attributed to gluten.
I went through too many "rage-outs," my sense of safety disappeared a long time ago but I kept trying for the happy relationship. Being a good enough cheerleader, support, builder. Six weeks ago I was discarded via text and ghosted since. Haven't seen or heard from him, drained all our accounts, the judge had to make him give back half. 8 1/2 years and what? my head is spinning. Dr. Ramini you're like a mother to me and therapist. I put you on my lap and just watch episode after episode. I had no idea I was married to a covert narcissist. Thanks for this life saving channel!
I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, when I realized what a toxic situation I was in: The fact that I wasn't safe with my "closest" family members. The people I was supposed to be safest with, were instead the ones hurting me most. Really tough pill to swallow!!
The lack of safety feels awful, it usually gets worse, the rage escalates, you become more fearful, and sometimes terrified. Then you realize is time to leave for good, no one should leave in fear. Safety is one of our primary needs. I feel a lot of compassion for those who have to stay in a relationship with a narcissist💔
This is one of the best videos yet about gaslighting and the narc. The narc is ice cold and self involved. Yes, a lack of empathy. There is always drama. As soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out. It is as if real intimacy is threatening to them. They always ruin closeness. My heart goes from feeling love to feeling isolation and being shut out for no reason. It is so painful. IT IS LIKE A WHIPSAW.
Yes good analogy on your part. Funny what you wrote, come to think about it 'they are' more comfortable ruining a good time than just a good old fashioned that's all folks, they definitely worsen with age, it was covert's mom's downfall, no wonder she fought it ageing so hard, dementia probably a friend to her in the end, oh how she hates being 'in' all day, but that's karma!
@vicki “as soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out”. Yes. That explains SO much of my confusion over the years... like, what just happened? WHY is intimacy so horrible for them? Why can’t they feel safe and content when love is exchanged?
There is always the issue of "drama" where the four cluster B personality disorders are concerned, also referred to as the "narcissistic spectrum" or the "dramatic spectrum" personality disorders.
After I basically ran away in the middle of the night, we had our one and only couples therapy session. I told the therapist that I left home, because I don't feel safe. He immediately started to explain to the therapist, that I have absolutely no reason to feel unsafe, that he never did anything wrong and it is all in my head, that I am just super anxious and crazy, making stuff up. His behaviour in this one couples therapy session really opened my mind, seeing how he was confidently trying to persuade another person that I am crazy and trying to win them to his side with his sad life story, instead of doing anything to actually save our relationship... I could not believe it.
Yes, doubting your ability to make good decisions was/is the most difficult part of this ... If you don’t trust yourself, there is no sense of safety. It takes investment of time and effort to regain that part..... It can be accomplished with determination and discipline. Educate yourself and stay with it, don’t give up.... Thanks Dr. Ramani! 🌀❤️🌀
Since I’ve been healing, I’ve cleaned up my friends circle. When I confronted a (ex) friend about her behaviour, she straight up gaslite me. It was so black and white. Once I saw this I completely said, nope, not here, not ever again.
I woke up thinking about this topic, recognizing the changes in myself from living in fear from never knowing when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me and wondering what neurological changes have occurred in me from living in this state of hyper vigilance.
After my mother did a number on me I then ended up in this relationship w/ another narcissist. When the ppl that are supposed to love you the most treat you like your crazy,disregard your feelings etc. who can you trust? I don't know what would have come of me had I not found your channel. Once again,thank you.
@@joseenoel8093 + also tries to convince family I'm crazy so I won't be believed if I tell them what's happening in the relationship. When I started seeing a therapist my mother told everyone I have mental problems, She even stood up in church & requested prayer for me because apparently I'm now a drug addict(for taking antidepressants),One of the reasons I went no contact.
@@cjok8367 I have a photo of my sister (looking vile) stalking me. While doing this she was messaging my son that I must be mentally ill because I live alone..... not to mention she was indignant that I took the photo of her. We know that we will get therapy before everyone else, but they do use it against us.
It can certainly be difficult to fully trust others when you don’t fully trust yourself following a narc relationship. That’s one of the things I’ve struggled with most- the second guessing, self doubt and general unease. I just hope one day I can overcome this feeling and that my heart stays open, even if my eyes have closed a little.
I wait for your videos every day! When I was fully entwined in the abuse I would listen to you to go to sleep :) It breaks my heart that in 45mins 2.5k people have viewed this video.. we’re all searching for clarity xx
This video helped me realize that the wounds are still quite deep and that I'm still struggling with healing. Wow! After his initial "amazing guy" show was over, slowly, I stopped feeling safe. It was bizarre. I always felt as if I was dangling over an abyss and he took joy in my fear and loneliness. It was so hard trying to make sense of it. I just couldn't contend with the realization that he was as ugly as I knew he truly was. I kept rationalizing it. Maybe it's my perspective. Maybe I'm overreacting. I should try harder. On and on. It was a lot to emotionally deal with. Now it's one year later and my friends tell me how much calmer and happier I am. They recognize me again. Your videos have A LOT to do with this journey. Thanks so much for your dedication to narcissistic abuse. It is indeed a thing. 💝
Maria I am glad you are taking steps to reach out & share your experience with others who understand & are willing to listen. I hope this will help you feel less alone. Sending support your way! 🌹🙏
Maria though it may feel you are alone, God sees you. He loves you and knows every tear you have cried. Read his word, hear him speaking to you. Feel him wrap his big, loving arms around you and hold you. He knows everything about you. I want you to know he died for you. You are not alone. He is with you everyday.
I was with my husband for almost 11 years. After we separated and I started healing, I started to realize that I never felt safe around him. In the beginning, I would push myself to endure the discomfort of feeling like I was in danger. Simple gestures like hugs, all the way up to being intimate, it was always filled with me trying to push myself to just keep up a façade for x number of minutes. To pretend that I wasn’t upset or scared because I was more invested in protecting his ego. I thought it was a me-problem. I thought I was hurting him if I reacted to the fear and anxiety coursing through me. Then I discovered he was getting gratification from of my fear. To the point where I was not allowed to initiate. If I was in the mood too much, he would cut me off from intimacy (all the way down the ladder to hugs, kisses, cuddling) for months. Our longest dry spell was 6 months. He never cared if I had any pleasure. It was pretty shocking to realize that he enjoyed triggering my past sexual trauma and inflicting more on me for his own gratification.
Thank you Dr Ramani. The stress of being in Narcissistic relationships and being raised by a narcissist showed up in my body in the form of an stomach ulcer. I never felt safe at home with my mother and never knew when she would just go into a rage! When I was about 25 years old the dr told me that the ulcer had eaten out the lining of my stomach as if I was an alcoholic and I was not a drinker. It was due to the stress on my body. It is vital to our lives to stay out of high stress situations. Like myself, I realize I can’t handle it! The feeling of lack of safety is unhealthy long term. And it will manifest itself through sickness as your body is indicating it’s had enough. Take care everyone. Love yourself
This is very true. Also, it has made me feel like other people's bad behavior is intentional. Rationally I know that people make mistakes or are occasionally thoughtless, but because of my background I feel like people are doing it on purpose to accomplish some kind of goal. It has taken me decades to stop being reactive to that and to breathe, take a moment and realize that it was most likely an accident.
I'd read recently that 90% of our out to get us thoughts are purely our own doing. I'm sure it's right, other people, especially the younger crowd don't think of us half as much as we think they do, they've other things to tend to!
Please watch this great movie then study Deliverance prayers which correlate with movie its the only way to stop the cycle and truly heal Its a spiritual problem not a physical problem It took me 52 yrs to piece this crzy chaotic life and my family’s once I studied generational curses soul ties etc U can then finally heal 🙏🏻🗣✍🏻th-cam.com/video/JC-ykURLzSg/w-d-xo.html
I understand. When I was younger, if I walked down the street and some people across the street laughed, I knew they were laughing at me. It took a serious reality check for me to realize that outside my family, I wasn’t important enough to notice, any more than I would notice someone else enough to want to laugh at or judge them. I understand your comment. People say careless things, they usually don’t waste time devising comments that hurt others. It took me decades to learn this also. Now I seldom even hear what I used to think of as a cutting remark.
@@lovewhitey2027 thank you for your perception of how to heal seriously complex trauma due to narcissistic abuse from your parents. However I do disagree with you because it has been proven that when you experience complex trauma it's in your body. that's why people that have a lot of trauma feel sick, have conditions Etc. I'm a Christian and am very well aware of what you're talking about but I don't think that heals everybody. I know you make it sound extremely 100% hopeful that it will help and set you free but I don't believe that's so even if you have the strongest Faith. even if you have complete deliverance type ceremonies or whenever done to you it doesn't always come out with a good outcome. This has been my observation. However thank you for sharing.
I didn't realize I was the scapegoat in my narcissistic family. I never felt safe, however, I also never knew I was the scapegoat and my older siblings (sisters) were the narcissists. I always knew never to trust them and I was so right. That is really hard on the scapegoat. I felt I had to hide from the world. Not anymore. It was after I received my post-grad degree in social work is when this all made sense.
Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for your remarkable insight. I feel at age 59, that I've suddenly woken up to realize how many flipping narcissists I've been dealing with all my life. And, yes, I had a narcissist mother who was charming to everyone but me and my father. She'd show her true character to others, then wonder why she lost so many dear friends. I always wondered why with some people I felt uptight and extremely uncomfortable all the time.
I have been fired from jobs bcz boss didn't like me and said, "you look around like you dont trust or believe in anything. You've got to go." So , yeah u nailed it, dr r. Also, this shell shocked way of going thru life helps predators identify you as a potential victim. Whether sexual predators, or narcissistic partners, etc.
The day I left my ex I said “I am scared you’re going to speak to me like this again. In fact I know you will. I don’t trust that you won’t intentionally hurt me again. I don’t trust that you will keep yet another promise. I am SCARED I am starting to lose my sanity.” And I couldn’t live like that. I was exhausted.
This is so true, I never felt truly safe, on reflection it was the deep down feeling that I knew that my partner was loosely hinged and he was also in control of my life... 35 years together, 17 months No Contact. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Gwen13061 Thank you... I'd like to say that leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done but it wasn't. The last few years of living with my husband who was a Covert Narcissist (I had no idea) was worse. You try and protect yourself but you can't. I have my Freedom now I'm pleased to say...
I always wonder why I'm having such a hard time connecting with people. Why I always feel so anxious and tense around them. Apparently part of me has been blaming myself because I found it really moving when you said that we should be patient with ourselves and that it is okay to keep our guard up when we're around other people. Your video really helped me understand and be compassionate towards myself, so thank you Dr. Ramani. You're the best.
I just talked to my mom until half hour before Dr. R posted this video about how I wasn't feeling safe as a child while my dad was alive and how that stuck with me growing up. Yesterday was 20 years since he died. He checked off a lot of narcissistic boxes 😔
@@donato286 My mom is still in denial. Don't let that get to you. Maintain your truth. Don't wait your whole life waiting for confirmation/assurance from her. It was probably *EVEN MORE* difficult for her to deal with. Having that kind of standpoint in the background kinda helps me not fuel resentment and preserve sanity. All the best and God bless you.
His unexpected silent treatment continually made me feel unsafe. Plus the projections and rage. If you said something he didn’t like and you never knew what could trigger that, he would walk out of a restaurant, hang up on you, walk out of the house and not speak to you for days.
You are right Doc, children brought up by narcissist parents develop emotional antenna to survive. Sadly we continue this pattern when we become adults. Thank you Doc, your videos are useful to break the cycle❤️🙏selfhelpchampion
I started to realize I had no say regarding my own life, outside of work. Decisions were made, I went along to keep the peace. I was feeling "unsafe" emotionally. I'm getting divorced, most difficult process, because I deserve nothing according to the narc. I cannot wait to be alone and at peace.
This video has helped me a lot! My ex-boyfriend is a narc and ("luckily") cheated on me with a mutual friend before finally breaking up with me. Of course I'd love to surround myself with people I've known for a long time, but many of them are mutual friends, that he's been gaslighting for months trying to convince them that I'm a horrible person and fully responsible for the separation. I moved back in with my parents when Corona hit, but I still don't feel safe.
“With or Without You” by U2 reminds me of a narcissistic relationship from the past as does the line from Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls,” ...the moment of truth in your lies...”
During the last narcissistic relationship I was in, I found myself frequently dreaming that a man was trying to break into my space, by prying open the door/ somehow getting in against my wishes. It was some time after I had finally made 'no contact' with the narcissist, that I realized that I no longer had these anxiety-producing dreams/ nightmares. Talk about my subconscious telling me I wasn't feeling safe/ that my life was being 'invaded' by someone whose presence I didn't want!
Constant unease and insecurity,. Hot and cold, moving goalposts. Just glad I'm out of it. Any time I feel the cognitive dissonants coming out I just watch your videos and remember the bad times.
Gluten may cause alcoholism/narcissism/codependency etc.. They crave the gluten in alcohol and gluten hurts the stomach/intestines so less nutrients absorb which can affect the brain/body/health issues/personality/mood/addictions.
Narcissists are constantly monitoring and watching their target. They act distracted, are invalidating and dismissive and don’t listen to you when you talk, but they constantly watch and observe your every move and store every single thing you say and do as ammunition to be used against you whenever they please. My narcissistic mother is always watching my every facial expression, and is hypersensitive to my tone of voice. And I know narcissistic relatives and in-laws who stare at my face and body and are always criticizing how my skin and body looks. It’s exhausting being around them because you’re always waiting for the next bomb of condescending criticism and insult to drop.
this explains so much, it goes so well with her "why there is a lack of safety in narcissistic relationships" video. it helps me understand where my PTSD comes from. it was hard for me to find the source of things, but now i know why. my narc mother, my underhanded enabler narc father, and one of my ex boyfriends. my safe place was always my animals, and animals in general. i always felt safer with animals than i did people. i also felt safer in nature than with people. i still do. the person i feel the safest with is my husband and my cousin, but i am still working on that too.
This video very much spoke to me. I'd always grown up suspicious and never knew why. I hid in my room every day after school because my dad was so volatile, and I found that the "out of sight, out of mind" approach was my best one. Now in my adult life, ALL of my relationships have been narcissistic, and I've endured 25+ years of these relationships, never having known a healthy one. And you're right - I don't trust, not even myself, because I "fell" for these types of people time and again.
This is exactly where I am right now. My whole life has been from one narcissist to another starting from childhood. I am in such a funky limbo right now relationally.
Thank you doc ramani.. This is what I felt to my bf now.. Everything is always for him.. I can't tell everything I want to tell because he's the one who always talk and right.
I didn’t feel safe in my own home, the day came where he hit me and pushed me, jumped at my 13 year old daughter. Thank God he is gone. It will be scary but I’m happy he is gone. Time to heal
Currently at the moment it seems I'll be dealing with unlocked revolving doors ( metaphor for people going in an out all the time) in a clear glass house (metaphor for cameras everywhere in every room where ever I live ) installed by unknown operators, plus CONSTANT and or PROMISED death threats, also while living litterally as a tortured slave, ...by definition of the word. I literally get roasted whether true or not, for others narcistic supply and attention and money, in the attention economy this should make sense by now btw lol , that getting attention equals getting $ and fame, or at the very least narcistic supply or voice crack lol. Everything I'm saying is literally 100% true there is not one lie in anything I say or said, but when I mention it , ...yes it becomes me being dramatic, or the bad guy or a 👿, simply because the average person cannot comprehend the truth simply put, lol. I laugh for self preservation btw lol.
Or that, "you're too sensitive"! That one makes me want to scream! "It's not that I'm too sensitive, it's that you've no empathy and you're an unfeeling shell of what's supposed to be a human being"!
@@chaosdweller You said, "the average person cannot understand the truth simply put". The rest of your reply wss incredibly vague. I have no clue what you were specifically referring to. Are you speaking in code?
I think the gaslighting from people outside of the relationship such as family and friends, or coworkers if it happens at work, is actually worse than the gaslighting from the narcissist! You feel so isolated, like there is no one you can talk to who will understand and validate what you are experiencing.
Problem is, I don’t like it. I don’t like that I was drawn in as a source of narcissistic supply. Now that I’m fully aware, thanks to Dr. Ramini, I can listen to the cold hard truth and realize that the anger it triggers within is a righteous anger that reminds me to be fair to myself. We cannot be held accountable for what we do not know.
Yes, we need to forgive ourselves. Though honestly there’s nothing to forgive. We didn’t wrong us, they did. We couldn’t help being in that situation. You’re woke now and that’s never gonna go away.
Everything you talk about, I am living. My situation is so extreme. It is dangerous that the police know NONE of this. The abuser feels no fear, there are no deterrents . They know they can get away with it. The victim knows there is no help. This is inexcusable .
Spot on again Dr. Ramani. I am turning 41 this year and I've been away from my narcissistic people for 6 years and I am just now learning how to feel safe in life. It really is a lot of work coming away from those people but so worth it. Thank you again Dr Ramani ❤
Hi Dr Romani, I doubt you will get the chance to see this but I just wanted to thank you. About 7 months ago I introduced my mother who was finally starting to understand my fathers behaviour after 30 years of marriage and raising 5 children who all suffered (I am the eldest) as a result of narcissistic parental behaviour, she has finally had the courage to leave my father to protect my younger brother and sister from further abuse as this had been picked up by the services at their schools and during counselling sessions. Leaving, as I am sure you can appreciate, has not been straight forward or easy in any way, and ultimately pushed my father to display his issues full force. It has been painful. The way you are able to explain this phenomenon and its effects on people in their lives, particularly the vulnerable has been invaluable to myself and other family members. It has been a very difficult year but I sincerely hope that my younger siblings with the appropriate support won't suffer as much as the elder ones in our family due to them finally being separated. Thank you for providing the clarity that we all need when we grow up with a constant storm cloud above us not knowing what it is, now we do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
To me, it was a permanent, unspecific sense of imminent threat through all my childhood and adolescence. I even had recurring nightmares where an invisible force was chasing me, I didn't know where it was, but I knew it wanted to hurt me.
You don't feel safe because you are not safe.
Pat Riley true
Exactly
True
In fact so simple . We make things complicated by enduring all that shit
In a relationship with a narcissist, there is no stability, consistency, comfort, or predictability. Who could be safe not knowing what may happen moment to moment. I was told, "I need you to trust me completely." I responded that I couldn't because he was sometimes very emotionally unpredictable, becoming angry with me for no reason whatsoever - and he became furious!
This lack of feeling safe takes a terrible toll on one's nervous system and immune system.
Heidi yes! Her video yesterday was very enlightening. Lots of auto immune diseases from being on edge with a narc
Hi Heidi. I agree 100%. I was raised by a severely narcissistic mother and the complex trauma and wounding has left me having neurological problems and a whole host of chronic illnesses, that I know are from absorbing all of that insanity. It's something that not a lot of people agree with but it is becoming scientifically proven that if you have lived with this kind of trauma your body will absorb it and you will have health conditions for sure. Thank you for your comment. I think it's important that people realize that. I hope that you take good care of yourself and I hope you're not suffering too much with health conditions.
Yes, absolutely, your adrenals are running full tilt, eventually they become exhausted.
I feel that
right!!!! my heartbeat becomes rapid simply waking up in the morning because I'm antisipating "what next?" I'm frozen all day until the drama kicks in! it's horrifying.
You can’t feel safe with these people, they don’t want you relaxed , is a way to keep you distracted from everything else.
No you sure can't. Lots of confusion and chaos.
Yes, that's why you sometimes need to have patience like a prophet, being aware of this and not giving in.
Unable to focus, what's wrong with this picture and those in it!
Trevor Bacque Pathetically, all by design.
Indeed
The ever present threat of being manipulated, harmed, and used.
Right ?! Fk it single for life 🤷🏾♂️ mental health is imperative to have a consistent quality of life for me . Good luck out there
persistently driven well stated
and devalued
You said it perfectly.
what is a bt/s survivor?
When strangers treat you better than your narc lover that's a huge red flag!
Life with a narcissist is a zero-sum game. In order for the narc to feel safe and secure, the other person has to feel destabilized and like they are constantly walking on thin ice.
SparkJoy spot on. What is peace for us it is a dangerous and nightmare place to be to them. they need to rub us of from our balance and happiness so they can mess with our head and senses way more effective. That's their way to break down their subjects. In my opinion these creatures are not human only their body is.
Yup, they throw you curbs where there are not! Guess what? I was born with a very weak eye, deemed legally blind on my right side. That means seeing 3-D a challenge, boy do I have a balance problem, knee surgery to prove it on that side!
After leaving a narcissist it's like you can take a breath. You feel a little bit safer.....you're going thru withdrawal...a mourning....but it is so much easier to breathe a little. You are free to do whatever you want. You aren't under their critical thumb. That first breath of freedom is a Godsend.
I love this comment. Perfectly said. So true!
Surviving narcissism makes you feel like a wild animal. Hyper cautious, suspicious, reactive, defensive
💯💯💯
Relatable
Absolutely spot on
@@justmemother2!!! Your name is my favorite
YES.
We’re living this out on a national scale. No one feels safe, there’s so much anxiety and hopelessness. No matter what a narcissist does with their life, they leave people’s lives destroyed. I honestly wish we could exile them from the planet.
I always thought my intuition was off, that i was paranoid. Because they know what to say and how to play you. But I finally realised that my body is rejecting these people, and showing me they are not safe. Unfortunately I was in denial for a very long time, always ended up going back, thinking his words were true, and I was being paranoid. 😭
Oh that going back is terrible! No contact no problems! Blessings!
Paranoid can be due to low B vitamins due to gluten/stress which uses up B vitamins. I need no gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/GMO/food with a label/heated oils...take vitamins/good oils/minerals..probiotic..LDN..detox. Coenzymated B vitamins from Nature's plus helps me... Super B complex helps me.
Thank you for sharing. My “intuition” was correct as well, but I believed my mother’s narrative of my personality. It’s not easy to break free from a fictitious life that someone created for you. When your reality is altered it’s near impossible to discern truth v fiction.
This shutdown has forced me to “see/know “ at the same time that people process information differently.
Shasha8674 thanks , it could be also !!
Artemis G yes I understand and agree fully. I am learning the same thing as well. 😊✨
I walked on eggshells with my ex ( narcissist husband ) Finally got up the courage to leave. Was afraid he'd kill me but I got away. Life with him was Hell for 20 yrs. And it's been 20 yrs since I left. I remarried . A wonderful man who treated me so good I almost couldn't get used to it. I've never been that happy. He passed away 6 yrs ago. If you're in a narccistic relationship GET OUT !!. PLEASE!
So easy for people to say this 😒
Trying
Thank you for sharing your experience of removing yourself. I appreciate it alot. Tells me it can be done. And I’m very sorry for your loss of your partner. Wishing you all the best, TJ in U.K.
I'm almost 50 and just got out. I don't trust anyone but you give me hope may be there is someone out there that's nice and trustworthy. I'm so scared to start over n I don't even trust my own intuition and judgement. I.miss the imaginary man he was before his mask fell off n the lies were revealed. just devastating.
How? It is so dangerous with children. I don't want to leave my children to him
You don't feel safe because abusive behaviour might come your way at any time.
Niles Guy- I'm living the exact same nightmare. 8 years I will never get back. This video nailed it, I don't think I Will ever recover from this.
True. What's made it so bad for me is when it happens seconds after I made the mistake of thinking to myself how "we're getting along so well". Once while on vacation w/ our 4yr old grandson I thought,"we make a good team," the next words out of his mouth were telling me how I needed to shut up & stop telling him where to put the cameras in the backpack & let him do it his way,the better way. My grandson stood between us. I was shocked into silence. Later when I brought it up to him,he of course denied having said anything like that. That was the day I realized he has a serious hatred for me. GOD help me get out of this relationship. He disrespected me in front of my daughter now my grandson. I can't stand the sound of his voice most days because theres always the possibility he'll say something hurtful in the middle of a regular conversation then tell me I'm too sensitive. He can't tolerate anything but praise or he's wounded. I no longer give it to him so it'll be over soon I'm sure.
Yes
@@cjok8367 I'm sorry for what you're going through. May God bless you, keep and carry you!
@@cjok8367 Be strong 💪 I’m going through the same thing. Big hugs to you. We will make it through.
I never felt safe, I remember being a baby feeling that way. I grew up with that. Today I still deal with that sensation.
Me too!! Isn't it Tragic.
Same here .
Omg same...lately I’ve been really tryna figure out perhaps the first time I felt that but I know I use to feel that way around my dad n he is a narc I haven’t talked to him in over 5yrs now
I grew up with it, but didn't understand until a couple of months ago why I always felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious as a child
Mar Ana, I'm with you - me too.
I remember explaining Maslow’s hierarchy to my narc, in an attempt to help them understand my point of view without calling them out. I said, “I can’t meet your higher level needs, if my safety needs aren’t being met.” They seemed to get it at the time of the conversation, but nothing changed and I would find myself explaining myself until I felt unloved. Happily “narc free” for 8 months and counting.
Congratulations!👍
I've been out of that for 4 mths now... I do not feel as if I will ever be healed tho... :(
Congrats, great comment.
It sounds like your narc received the part about "higher level of needs" as flattery, and the rest you said was received as an admittance of inferiority. This sounds like a classic example of how narcissists twist what you say into their own narcissistic supply.
Day 3 😔
I can’t believe the amount of time it is taking to heal. It really is a demonic thing to deny a victims reality and society does it so often. Your videos makes invisible folks like myself get our health back. Thank you so much.
I agree! The depth & severity of the damage never ceases to amaze me, even after 30 years on my healing journey away from my only sister.♥️
Its difficult when out 8n the world the service providers are of the generations that seem to be liking in empathy, hate boomers and don't listen. So the already shaky sense of safety gets reinforced as un safe. I've had a cashier at a drive through through all my coin change at me because I couldn't understand her accent, so in effect I was assaulted by coins I called for the manager, who was same ethnicity who saw the situation and slammed the window closed and locked it. These kind of encounters on top of the narc at home....yikes.
@@windsordance3698 I am so sorry you’ve had to go through this too. Huge hugs
Since my childhood I've always had this feeling of danger in the presence of some relatives or friends. I couldn't explain it. It was some sort of instinct. Often I blamed myself for that feeling. Now this all make sense.
Exactly. "You are living in the past". Well yes, I am. Because it was so horrible and I never experienced 'a normal life'.
This.
SAME!
The past is over and you don't have to go back which recreates it for the rest of your life every time you go back. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You don't have to analyze everything to heal, but find the good in life and find people who treat you well.
Sounicka Zet. I completely understand. I feel the same way. Here is something that encourages me immensely. A promise found in the Bible at Isaiah 65:17. For look! Here I am creating new heavens and a new earth; And the former things will not be called to mind, Nor will they come up into the heart.
Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that. It's been my experience that the ones that behaved badly in the past are the ones that don't want it brought up. If I hadn't examined my past I would not have figured out what was happening to me therefore better protecting myself. I do have trouble with ruminating too much but I think the past should be paid attention to. Seems like the narcissists & flying monkeys would rather I have amnesia.
When you've seen what people are capable of, it naturally makes you wary. You've gone through the door you can't go back through, you can't unsee what you've seen. Now you know that people can do horrendous things and still seem completely normal. ANYONE you meet, regardless of how wonderful they seem, could be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't beat yourself up, just appreciate that you're having a normal reaction after being confronted with the evil that is possible in people.
😥Us as CHILDREN "I never felt safe in childhood, so I will make sure to choose someone I can trust." Us as 😰ADULTS, devastated from choosing a Narcissist, "It's not possible to ever feel safe, so I won't ever trust again," Thank you for helping so many understand these wounds, and the path to healing!🙏🏻
Wow. You've just summed up what I was struggling to find the words to say. My divorce became final this spring, and I've needed to shut down several well-intentioned friends who want to introduce me to men. Some day, I may trust myself and others enough to date. Today is not this day. Tomorrow doesn't look likely either. I am healing, but it will take time.
Dr. Kim, You can feel safe again if you choose someone safe & Grow into love you do not need to fall in Love to be Happy, I grew up in a Rectory off & on when I was not running away starting at the age of 7 as I was kidnapped and raped by three men. I tried staying at a friends house and I had no idea I was D.I.D. with a fearful Avoidant personality and extremely Somatic & Hypervigilant. One of my Parents had her husband tie me to the bed with a close line her new husband I thought was her brother at least that was what she told everyone until she married him & added two more children to destroy the witch shaved my head & my one sister who was the oldest was the Golden child and she took a knife to me & told me she would cut my Heart out if she wouldn't go to Jail for it & my Muslim sister who grew up in Houston wrote a book and no I do not talk to her I am a Devout Catholic not trying to promote this illness with these manipulative monsters and for most of you maybe you will understand when I first saw the Wizard of Oz it woke me up my freaking Mom was a Witch, my Hypervigilance I can live with. I bought a house in Vinings area in GA. and rent it out and moved to the country with my husband of 44 and a half years. Both my bio child and African American Adopted child are Business and want no children and they are okay. I had one Mischarge in the Rectory and the Priest always told everyone I was his Niece but I learned Business & was home schooled by the Parishioners and Nun's. I lost my only Daughter at 30 and I am one for situational Depression and it took me ten years to even want to live again. This Dr. understands this illness better than any Dr. I have ever seen and I am 62 going on 63 & still have to see a Dr. I have known in Atlanta since the 1980's. Dr. Kim use your instinct's & you will never fully trust again but my husband grew up on a farm & we ran Businesses for years together and are both retired. Peace Be with you and May the Blessings of Almighty God give you a Sense of Safety.
I'm sorry you didn't have s good childhood. My 19 year old assistant helped me though a crisis yesterday, because I had an accident and can't walk. His words of wisdom "why do people say you only live once? You get a new start with every day, the fact is you die one, so try to make
the most of each day. Hopefully there will be many tomorrows " Hang in there.
@@thereal4113 , that's one very wise 19 y.o.
@@genevalawrence801It takes time, self love and self compassion, and a little therapy never hurts lol:). best wishes to you!
This so prevalent in the workplace...you fund yourself in a constant state of hyper-vigilance.
You can't feel vulnerable, you can't express your real feelings, you just can't be yourself with the narc! It's like you think things maybe okay, but suddenly you are flung around into a huge spin and by the time you recuperate, there is another roller-coaster ride and this cycle continues to that point that you start doubting yourself. And the Worst part, no one close to you (family or friends) know what has really happened to you. They think you are the one who is just complaining for no reason. Fear just grows. I was forced to leave my job due this fear and threats in the relationship. I was so afraid, that I feared even to go back to the house I stayed with her after office! Unfortunately I have no friends at all now and the loneliness is just beyond words that I can explain. I am still running/jogging, praying, meditating, had been to some therapy (stopped this as it was expensive for long-term) and still looking for a job. It's a process. Also I just hope I can find a friend.
P.S.: Dr. Ramani thank you so much . You understand what we go through so perfectly.
sending you srtenght💫
Sending you positive and warm hugs❤️ I'm in the same path righ now
@@rosettarosetta9686 Thanks
@@larendijacosmica Thanks Gaby.
This is how I feel about cultural issues that are not popular to discuss, despite the fact they are inherently toxic.
I was the scapegoat until I left home at 16 then became the peacemaker from afar in an attempt to make it better for my younger siblings still at home with both narsistic parents but it didn't work. Today I've been enduring anxiety depression and serial narsistic abusive relationships. Your videos are helping me untangle and understand my evolution that's made me unsafe, indecisive and suspicious. I'm 58 and just beginning to understand and untangle it all thanks to your videos and therapy. Thank you! I vow to do the work to get out of the unhappiness finally for good. It's been so hard but I have a lot of hope now.
That's wonderful sugar, I'm born in '61, the youngest of 3, saw alot of fighting with nothing solved, out at 17... Learned to maneuver it all, I guess, I'm trying to visualize my past obstacles as hurdles I managed to jump over, leave them in my wake, so nice to hear your wish of hope, any dealings with anyone covert mom dealt with is a messed up scenario, they were alot more contaminated, went on to contaminate me!
wow, so young at 16. i'm in my early twenties and preparing to get out soon (discreetly). Good to know that someone younger than me is able to get out.
I was the scapegoat as well. I left home at sixteen as well. And even though I left my severely narcissistic mother (who ruined my life) I got involved very toxic relationships that I was unable to simply walk away from. I really related so much to your comment and I'm glad that you feel you are finding some help after an extremely long journey of abuse. I just wanted to touch base and let you know that there's someone out here that really understands. I am 62 right now and I am still affected by the trauma that was done to me by my narcissistic mother. It can be so hard to heal. I wish you only the best and I hope that you take very good care of yourself as you find your freedom.
@@kavitadeva Wish we had all this information many decades ago!
But better late than never !
Same story here...
Youngest in the family, tried to be the peacemaker, but always backfired.
Narc mother,
Narcissist father, narcissist siblings to this day... !
Some turned out more dysfunctional than others... !!
My mom kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen 14 !!
Then series of abusive relationships, because that is all you know...
Now I'm your age and realize SOOOO many years and attempts wastes on those horrible horrible and dangerously abusive people... !
Just happy to find a new 'family' of people on this site who can finally believe what I have to say, because they've experienced the same.
One huge ray of hope is that the best years are ahead of us...
Now that we understand the patterns and red flags, we can grow beyond all the pain and become stronger and better people than we have ever been before!
Wishing you all a happy new life !!
May God be with you! The truth shall set you free (but first it will piss you off)
Dating after a narcissisticly abusive relationship is difficult. It takes a very empathetic and emotionally healthy partner to patiently wade through the pervasive aftermath.
I haven't recovered enough to try yet.
This is so true. I know my partner was sent to me because NO ONE ELSE on earth would go through what he's been through. He's very special.
Was I the issue with my gf? Because I felt like she was a covert narc (all the red flags, discomfort throughout the relationship) but she blamed it on me being paranoid, that was distrustful despite her proving to me otherwise. I think what destroyed my trust with her was when I found texts of her talking disrespectfully about me behind my back, saying that she wants to be toxic due to something I said or did. Idk I just felt unsafe with her but I’m wondering if I was just the problem and too traumatized?
Around these people there is always this unsettling feeling that is overwhelming, but depending on how codependent you are, you will make excuses for like I did.
Hi Giovanna, I find your post very interesting and would really like to chat with you if possible. I'm currently in a unbelievably difficult situation and yeah, there's definitely (or at least there was in the past) co-dependency involved. Anyway, if you're prepared to chat, I'd value that.
It's funny, I never felt safe with my parents or my husband, I felt safe for the first time when I moved out on my own in my early 50s.... late 50s now, still on own and loving it, oh the freedom is wonderful. Took a while to get used to realising i can do whatever i like whenever i like and nobody is going to say "you can't do that, or say that". Dr Ramani is spot on.
Love reading this!
@@UCZG thank you, it is so true, anyone can get out and really start to live. I know a lot of women that are scared to be on their own, but I think that comes from the gaslighting that is going on, and the sheer confusion it causes that you don't actually know it's happening. I have no family but have great friends... it helps that I love my own company too😊
@@sharlesb7735 I agree.... maybe your example will help others
At 51 I feel I have to do the same.
@@frankfranco3626 you won’t regret it. Make a plan and don’t tell anyone unless you can truly trust them. Take one day at a time. For your own peace of mind. And down the track, yes there will be the good times that you miss but remember all the twisted game playing and mind games and that they would only get worse if you go back because they know they can control you again. Best wishes to you.
Narcs only feel safe when you’re off balance. It is hard to feel normal after being abused by these people.
It is hard to feel normal after being abused by these prople. Like Dr. Ramani told us, get it in a safe place and meditate. Maybe even read scripture. It helps to bring you back down to earth, and realize that these people are only human and are not invincible. Build yourself up mentally as well as working out to build yourself up physically and you will feel a whole lot better.
These videos are so reassuring and make me feel validated and calm. It’s like yes, someone has put into words what I have endured. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! God bless you.
so true
Me too.
I feel exactly the same 🙏
Absolutely x
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you are always waiting for them to do the next horrible thing.
Wow! This is so true, while in the entanglement I never felt safe and I was emotionally & physically exhausted.... toward the end I told him I literally feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy! So happy he's gone...
Sleeping with the enemy! That's exactly what I said!
Sleeping with the enemy is such an accurate way to portray it.
It really is!!!! I started feeling paranoid, unsure of anything, questioning everything I do and say. And the worst part was me gauging his mood to determine if he's going to be nice to me today or not. I will never live that way again!
@@sibi938 Thank you so much for sharing!!! I love this community and Dr Ramani......it saved me mentally, I didn't know a thing about narcissism, but I knew his behaviors were not normal.... These videos have been everything for me
Same here. Left after 11 years. It was heart breaking. But i also had a narcissistic mother. And mt ex husband and her suited each other. I also unconsciously took on their behaviors
This was shameful to watch and i realised i shouldn't for i want to be the best mother for my children. We all had to heal.
I've been making myself feel safe by changing the way I speak to myself. I realize I've been bullying and even gaslighting myself for many years. This has really been helpful for me
This is the hardest thing for me to deal with right now. I'm an inherently optimistic person, but right now I am a cynic. I do not like this feeling of uneasiness.
I’m experiencing this right now, and it’s not a very good feeling. From the damage my narcissistic mother has caused me, yes I admit it, I have trust issues and am afraid of being gaslit again. Anyone else who is experiencing this you have my sympathy and I wish all of you well in your healing journey. Thank you Dr. Ramani for another great video. ❤️
Hi hon, stay no contact, keep telling that witch to screw off!
RELATE!!!! I was raised buy a severely narcissistic mother as well. And I have never felt safe ever and I'm 62 years old now. I've been through so much therapy it's unbelievable. And still I have those deep wounds from the trauma I endured. I never want to be in another relationship again ever. I just can't trust the other person because I have been in relationships that were so toxic I'd rather be alone. I really felt your comment. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.
@@Oceans780 Hi. Thanks for your reply. I wish I could understand what you meant.
Go no contact. Stay no contact.
@@josephuk2609 hi Joseph. I don't know if your reply was meant for me or not. If it was meant for me as I stated I'm 62 years old now I went no contact in my forties my early forties. That's the only way to do it, no contact whatsoever. Have a great day.
Exercise (running and weight training) has been the number one thing that has helped me through my fear. The book, "Brain Rules" and "Spark" helped me to understand the science of exercise. Meanwhile, I really do feel that I am being chased by a tiger on a daily basis, so if I can get better at running and build more muscle, then on a visceral level, i can flee faster and fight harder! 🏃♀️💪🐅
Thanks for the book references. I will look them up, God bless you🌼
Great comment and information about that book.
Instead of building up to flee faster, build up to kick his or her ass. Don’t remain a victim become, a victor.
@@justmemother2 Love it! 🙏
Sends your central nervous system into overdrive. Once you leave you really start to realize how you were consistently always in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, for the duration of the relationship, for the most part. Eventhough you're able to finally breathe, and relax after you leave, the reality of the damage the relationship did to you hits you. You realize just how bad things actually were, and the aftermath is devastating. It hurts, it leaves you upset with yourself, and aware of how its changed you.💔
Oddly i have always automatically trusted people, as if seeking a nurturing person in my life, but as soon as something triggers me about them- mostly betrayal , i cant trust again. Same end result...isolation
I think I was naively trusting because I had trustworthy adults in my life as a child. I grew up in a wonderful, close-knit multicultural neighborhood, up until high school. Because even our neighbors were so nice, I ended up thinking people are inherently good, generous and caring - only to learn in my adulthood (in other places) that many are severely damaged and dangerous.
Me too, I understand this 100%
This is 100% exactly true….living in a crime movie when you aren’t in a crime movie. EXACTLY. From childhood to one relationship to another…. I’m ready to FINALLY grow beyond all this insanity. I just want to meet someone Normal.
Hard to feel safe once you realize you’re dealing with a soul sucking con artist who can’t keep their mask on anymore. ✌🏼
Just get away from the people who hurt you and don't go back. Parents may mellow out when older, but then don't take it personally any more since they are their best self even if not perfect.
Literally.
@@Shasha8674 Typically narcissists get worse as they get older. If the person mellows out, they probably weren't narcissistic to begin with.
@@danielkaiser8971 Gluten issues may get worse with age and they are less healthy unless they change their diet. Usually it is the natural help people who mention about gluten and not Conventional doctors so many people never get help, but instead drugs to cover symptoms with many side effect which really don't help. People do mellow out due to being lonely and desperate for people to help/have company. Labels like narcissism etc. have a spectrum depending on what they eat and amount of sunlight they get which helps gluten issues. People can heal, but may not get the right kind of help. ADD/narcissism/Bipolar/depression/anxiety/no sleep/panic/suicidal thoughts/codependency/eating disorders/addictions etc can be due to gluten.
@@Shasha8674 Gluten issues are resolved in the absence of gluten. When the absence of gluten is established, what remains cannot be attributed to gluten.
I went through too many "rage-outs," my sense of safety disappeared a long time ago but I kept trying for the happy relationship. Being a good enough cheerleader, support, builder. Six weeks ago I was discarded via text and ghosted since. Haven't seen or heard from him, drained all our accounts, the judge had to make him give back half. 8 1/2 years and what? my head is spinning. Dr. Ramini you're like a mother to me and therapist. I put you on my lap and just watch episode after episode. I had no idea I was married to a covert narcissist. Thanks for this life saving channel!
I think that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with, when I realized what a toxic situation I was in: The fact that I wasn't safe with my "closest" family members. The people I was supposed to be safest with, were instead the ones hurting me most. Really tough pill to swallow!!
The lack of safety feels awful, it usually gets worse, the rage escalates, you become more fearful, and sometimes terrified. Then you realize is time to leave for good, no one should leave in fear. Safety is one of our primary needs. I feel a lot of compassion for those who have to stay in a relationship with a narcissist💔
This is one of the best videos yet about gaslighting and the narc. The narc is ice cold and self involved. Yes, a lack of empathy. There is always drama. As soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out. It is as if real intimacy is threatening to them. They always ruin closeness. My heart goes from feeling love to feeling isolation and being shut out for no reason. It is so painful. IT IS LIKE A WHIPSAW.
Yes good analogy on your part. Funny what you wrote, come to think about it 'they are' more comfortable ruining a good time than just a good old fashioned that's all folks, they definitely worsen with age, it was covert's mom's downfall, no wonder she fought it ageing so hard, dementia probably a friend to her in the end, oh how she hates being 'in' all day, but that's karma!
@vicki “as soon as they reveal themselves or get close they act out”. Yes. That explains SO much of my confusion over the years... like, what just happened?
WHY is intimacy so horrible for them? Why can’t they feel safe and content when love is exchanged?
@@kellystrait1341 Money is their God.
Do you refer to intimacy as solely sex or more than that ?
There is always the issue of "drama" where the four cluster B personality disorders are concerned, also referred to as the "narcissistic spectrum" or the "dramatic spectrum" personality disorders.
After I basically ran away in the middle of the night, we had our one and only couples therapy session. I told the therapist that I left home, because I don't feel safe. He immediately started to explain to the therapist, that I have absolutely no reason to feel unsafe, that he never did anything wrong and it is all in my head, that I am just super anxious and crazy, making stuff up. His behaviour in this one couples therapy session really opened my mind, seeing how he was confidently trying to persuade another person that I am crazy and trying to win them to his side with his sad life story, instead of doing anything to actually save our relationship... I could not believe it.
Yes, doubting your ability to make good decisions was/is the most difficult part of this ... If you don’t trust yourself, there is no sense of safety. It takes investment of time and effort to regain that part..... It can be accomplished with determination and discipline. Educate yourself and stay with it, don’t give up.... Thanks Dr. Ramani! 🌀❤️🌀
Since I’ve been healing, I’ve cleaned up my friends circle. When I confronted a (ex) friend about her behaviour, she straight up gaslite me. It was so black and white. Once I saw this I completely said, nope, not here, not ever again.
I woke up thinking about this topic, recognizing the changes in myself from living in fear from never knowing when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me and wondering what neurological changes have occurred in me from living in this state of hyper vigilance.
It's also a lack of trust for them which also creates a lack of safety you never know when they might go off on you
After my mother did a number on me I then ended up in this relationship w/ another narcissist. When the ppl that are supposed to love you the most treat you like your crazy,disregard your feelings etc. who can you trust? I don't know what would have come of me had I not found your channel. Once again,thank you.
It's a go-to tactic "You're crazy" just to make you burn 🔥!
@@joseenoel8093 + also tries to convince family I'm crazy so I won't be believed if I tell them what's happening in the relationship. When I started seeing a therapist my mother told everyone I have mental problems, She even stood up in church & requested prayer for me because apparently I'm now a drug addict(for taking antidepressants),One of the reasons I went no contact.
@@cjok8367 No contact sounds like your best option! Good luck. 💫🙏🏼
@@cjok8367 I have a photo of my sister (looking vile) stalking me. While doing this she was messaging my son that I must be mentally ill because I live alone..... not to mention she was indignant that I took the photo of her. We know that we will get therapy before everyone else, but they do use it against us.
@@goodintentions1302 + thank you
Always you are an angel for us Dr.Ramani.
It can certainly be difficult to fully trust others when you don’t fully trust yourself following a narc relationship. That’s one of the things I’ve struggled with most- the second guessing, self doubt and general unease. I just hope one day I can overcome this feeling and that my heart stays open, even if my eyes have closed a little.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. What I learned is to listen to my gut...and never to jump into the deep end of the pool again.
It just feels good there is a science to explain what we go through
I wait for your videos every day! When I was fully entwined in the abuse I would listen to you to go to sleep :) It breaks my heart that in 45mins 2.5k people have viewed this video.. we’re all searching for clarity xx
Same. I entered another narc relationship recently. Ended it right away. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
I love the "baked-in" description of mistrust from a narcissistic family of origin you gave
Yes. Perfect description!
This video helped me realize that the wounds are still quite deep and that I'm still struggling with healing. Wow! After his initial "amazing guy" show was over, slowly, I stopped feeling safe. It was bizarre. I always felt as if I was dangling over an abyss and he took joy in my fear and loneliness. It was so hard trying to make sense of it. I just couldn't contend with the realization that he was as ugly as I knew he truly was. I kept rationalizing it. Maybe it's my perspective. Maybe I'm overreacting. I should try harder. On and on. It was a lot to emotionally deal with. Now it's one year later and my friends tell me how much calmer and happier I am. They recognize me again. Your videos have A LOT to do with this journey. Thanks so much for your dedication to narcissistic abuse. It is indeed a thing. 💝
I'm married with a narc, 38 years feeling alone in the middle of the ocean, growing up my children and solving the problems always alone.
Maria:Yes, 37 years, raising children, solving problems, Always Alone! My heart weeps for you.
Maria I am glad you are taking steps to reach out & share your experience with others who understand & are willing to listen. I hope this will help you feel less alone. Sending support your way! 🌹🙏
@@vicbaker8367 thank you
@@marren6323 thank you
Maria though it may feel you are alone, God sees you. He loves you and knows every tear you have cried. Read his word, hear him speaking to you. Feel him wrap his big, loving arms around you and hold you. He knows everything about you. I want you to know he died for you. You are not alone. He is with you everyday.
I was with my husband for almost 11 years. After we separated and I started healing, I started to realize that I never felt safe around him. In the beginning, I would push myself to endure the discomfort of feeling like I was in danger. Simple gestures like hugs, all the way up to being intimate, it was always filled with me trying to push myself to just keep up a façade for x number of minutes. To pretend that I wasn’t upset or scared because I was more invested in protecting his ego. I thought it was a me-problem. I thought I was hurting him if I reacted to the fear and anxiety coursing through me. Then I discovered he was getting gratification from of my fear. To the point where I was not allowed to initiate. If I was in the mood too much, he would cut me off from intimacy (all the way down the ladder to hugs, kisses, cuddling) for months. Our longest dry spell was 6 months. He never cared if I had any pleasure. It was pretty shocking to realize that he enjoyed triggering my past sexual trauma and inflicting more on me for his own gratification.
Thank you Dr Ramani. The stress of being in Narcissistic relationships and being raised by a narcissist showed up in my body in the form of an stomach ulcer. I never felt safe at home with my mother and never knew when she would just go into a rage! When I was about 25 years old the dr told me that the ulcer had eaten out the lining of my stomach as if I was an alcoholic and I was not a drinker. It was due to the stress on my body. It is vital to our lives to stay out of high stress situations. Like myself, I realize I can’t handle it! The feeling of lack of safety is unhealthy long term. And it will manifest itself through sickness as your body is indicating it’s had enough. Take care everyone. Love yourself
Incredible, when you start to see that you have created so many ways to watch what you say, do, to not set off the narcissist.
No safety=eggshells
This is very true. Also, it has made me feel like other people's bad behavior is intentional. Rationally I know that people make mistakes or are occasionally thoughtless, but because of my background I feel like people are doing it on purpose to accomplish some kind of goal. It has taken me decades to stop being reactive to that and to breathe, take a moment and realize that it was most likely an accident.
I'd read recently that 90% of our out to get us thoughts are purely our own doing. I'm sure it's right, other people, especially the younger crowd don't think of us half as much as we think they do, they've other things to tend to!
Please watch this great movie then study Deliverance prayers which correlate with movie its the only way to stop the cycle and truly heal Its a spiritual problem not a physical problem It took me 52 yrs to piece this crzy chaotic life and my family’s once I studied generational curses soul ties etc U can then finally heal 🙏🏻🗣✍🏻th-cam.com/video/JC-ykURLzSg/w-d-xo.html
I understand. When I was younger, if I walked down the street and some people across the street laughed, I knew they were laughing at me. It took a serious reality check for me to realize that outside my family, I wasn’t important enough to notice, any more than I would notice someone else enough to want to laugh at or judge them. I understand your comment. People say careless things, they usually don’t waste time devising comments that hurt others. It took me decades to learn this also. Now I seldom even hear what I used to think of as a cutting remark.
That's a great Point Charles. I can understand how you started feeling that way about others.
@@lovewhitey2027 thank you for your perception of how to heal seriously complex trauma due to narcissistic abuse from your parents. However I do disagree with you because it has been proven that when you experience complex trauma it's in your body. that's why people that have a lot of trauma feel sick, have conditions Etc. I'm a Christian and am very well aware of what you're talking about but I don't think that heals everybody. I know you make it sound extremely 100% hopeful that it will help and set you free but I don't believe that's so even if you have the strongest Faith. even if you have complete deliverance type ceremonies or whenever done to you it doesn't always come out with a good outcome. This has been my observation. However thank you for sharing.
Every word she said is so true!....
I didn't realize I was the scapegoat in my narcissistic family. I never felt safe, however, I also never knew I was the scapegoat and my older siblings (sisters) were the narcissists. I always knew never to trust them and I was so right. That is really hard on the scapegoat. I felt I had to hide from the world. Not anymore. It was after I received my post-grad degree in social work is when this all made sense.
Dr Ramani. Thank you so much for your remarkable insight. I feel at age 59, that I've suddenly woken up to realize how many flipping narcissists I've been dealing with all my life. And, yes, I had a narcissist mother who was charming to everyone but me and my father. She'd show her true character to others, then wonder why she lost so many dear friends.
I always wondered why with some people I felt uptight and extremely uncomfortable all the time.
The narcissist gave me trust issues ! They also made me a scapegoat for all their problems .
I have been fired from jobs bcz boss didn't like me and said, "you look around like you dont trust or believe in anything. You've got to go."
So , yeah u nailed it, dr r.
Also, this shell shocked way of going thru life helps predators identify you as a potential victim. Whether sexual predators, or narcissistic partners, etc.
The day I left my ex I said “I am scared you’re going to speak to me like this again. In fact I know you will. I don’t trust that you won’t intentionally hurt me again. I don’t trust that you will keep yet another promise. I am SCARED I am starting to lose my sanity.” And I couldn’t live like that. I was exhausted.
Your understanding is rare, very rare
This is so true, I never felt truly safe, on reflection it was the deep down feeling that I knew that my partner was loosely hinged and he was also in control of my life... 35 years together, 17 months No Contact. Thank you Dr Ramani.
How did you do it? Final straw?
Congratulations!💪👍
Gwen13061 The final straw was bad...
AJ I understand.
Gwen13061 Thank you... I'd like to say that leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done but it wasn't. The last few years of living with my husband who was a Covert Narcissist (I had no idea) was worse. You try and protect yourself but you can't. I have my Freedom now I'm pleased to say...
I always wonder why I'm having such a hard time connecting with people. Why I always feel so anxious and tense around them. Apparently part of me has been blaming myself because I found it really moving when you said that we should be patient with ourselves and that it is okay to keep our guard up when we're around other people. Your video really helped me understand and be compassionate towards myself, so thank you Dr. Ramani. You're the best.
I just talked to my mom until half hour before Dr. R posted this video about how I wasn't feeling safe as a child while my dad was alive and how that stuck with me growing up. Yesterday was 20 years since he died. He checked off a lot of narcissistic boxes 😔
My condolences. May you find peace
@@Niles-Guy Thank you, you're most kind. I'm in therapy, hoping for the best. 🤞
Hope you're OK. Empathising and praying for you.
@@MazBringsby Thank you so much. ❤ I'm working through this trauma.
@@donato286 My mom is still in denial.
Don't let that get to you. Maintain your truth.
Don't wait your whole life waiting for confirmation/assurance from her. It was probably *EVEN MORE* difficult for her to deal with.
Having that kind of standpoint in the background kinda helps me not fuel resentment and preserve sanity.
All the best and God bless you.
His unexpected silent treatment continually made me feel unsafe. Plus the projections and rage. If you said something he didn’t like and you never knew what could trigger that, he would walk out of a restaurant, hang up on you, walk out of the house and not speak to you for days.
You are right Doc, children brought up by narcissist parents develop emotional antenna to survive. Sadly we continue this pattern when we become adults. Thank you Doc, your videos are useful to break the cycle❤️🙏selfhelpchampion
I started to realize I had no say regarding my own life, outside of work. Decisions were made, I went along to keep the peace. I was feeling "unsafe" emotionally. I'm getting divorced, most difficult process, because I deserve nothing according to the narc. I cannot wait to be alone and at peace.
Oh Lord I'm in it. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Stay strong, seek support, preserve yourself, be well ❤️
Joy,,,You said you are in it....I hope you can get 'out' of it. Truly.
@@RJ-hx5nb such a fuss over just acknowledging decency
This video has helped me a lot! My ex-boyfriend is a narc and ("luckily") cheated on me with a mutual friend before finally breaking up with me. Of course I'd love to surround myself with people I've known for a long time, but many of them are mutual friends, that he's been gaslighting for months trying to convince them that I'm a horrible person and fully responsible for the separation. I moved back in with my parents when Corona hit, but I still don't feel safe.
“With or Without You” by U2 reminds me of a narcissistic relationship from the past as does the line from Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls,” ...the moment of truth in your lies...”
This was very precisely presented with all the right information.Thank you Dear Ramani for your support
During the last narcissistic relationship I was in, I found myself frequently dreaming that a man was trying to break into my space, by prying open the door/ somehow getting in against my wishes. It was some time after I had finally made 'no contact' with the narcissist, that I realized that I no longer had these anxiety-producing dreams/ nightmares. Talk about my subconscious telling me I wasn't feeling safe/ that my life was being 'invaded' by someone whose presence I didn't want!
Mantra “I am safe but not in danger”
it helps me to calm myself & to better evaluate & make choices.
Exactly what I'm going through after finally get out of a toxic narcissistic relationship!!
My problems with all of this started with my parents... I really have to push myself to go forward in, pretty much , all situations.😢
I could never tell him my biggest fears or dreams bc he would ALWAYS use it against me 😑
That’s how I’m feeling😞
It's like living with a stranger who hates you.
Constant unease and insecurity,. Hot and cold, moving goalposts. Just glad I'm out of it. Any time I feel the cognitive dissonants coming out I just watch your videos and remember the bad times.
I was very hyper-vigilant. My father was a covert narcissist and an alcoholic.
Gluten may cause alcoholism/narcissism/codependency etc.. They crave the gluten in alcohol and gluten hurts the stomach/intestines so less nutrients absorb which can affect the brain/body/health issues/personality/mood/addictions.
Sabine, my experience is like yours. I am sending you healing energy, and blessings.
Narcissists are constantly monitoring and watching their target. They act distracted, are invalidating and dismissive and don’t listen to you when you talk, but they constantly watch and observe your every move and store every single thing you say and do as ammunition to be used against you whenever they please. My narcissistic mother is always watching my every facial expression, and is hypersensitive to my tone of voice. And I know narcissistic relatives and in-laws who stare at my face and body and are always criticizing how my skin and body looks. It’s exhausting being around them because you’re always waiting for the next bomb of condescending criticism and insult to drop.
I didn’t feel safe growing up, yet my parents convinced me, and still try to convince me, that I need them to feel safe.
this explains so much, it goes so well with her "why there is a lack of safety in narcissistic relationships" video. it helps me understand where my PTSD comes from. it was hard for me to find the source of things, but now i know why. my narc mother, my underhanded enabler narc father, and one of my ex boyfriends. my safe place was always my animals, and animals in general. i always felt safer with animals than i did people. i also felt safer in nature than with people. i still do. the person i feel the safest with is my husband and my cousin, but i am still working on that too.
Someone always gets hurt so tired of being that person but you don’t wanna hurt anyone else either
This video very much spoke to me. I'd always grown up suspicious and never knew why. I hid in my room every day after school because my dad was so volatile, and I found that the "out of sight, out of mind" approach was my best one. Now in my adult life, ALL of my relationships have been narcissistic, and I've endured 25+ years of these relationships, never having known a healthy one. And you're right - I don't trust, not even myself, because I "fell" for these types of people time and again.
This is exactly where I am right now. My whole life has been from one narcissist to another starting from childhood. I am in such a funky limbo right now relationally.
No security. No safety. Always waiting for the next shoe to drop and it always did.
Thank you doc ramani.. This is what I felt to my bf now.. Everything is always for him.. I can't tell everything I want to tell because he's the one who always talk and right.
@Mary Carroll thanks for this ♥️
I didn’t feel safe in my own home, the day came where he hit me and pushed me, jumped at my 13 year old daughter. Thank God he is gone. It will be scary but I’m happy he is gone. Time to heal
It's the doubters who make things so much worse: They make you feel as if you are just an attention-seeking-drama queen!
Oh yes! I know the ones! They are almost just as bad!
Currently at the moment it seems I'll be dealing with unlocked revolving doors ( metaphor for people going in an out all the time) in a clear glass house (metaphor for cameras everywhere in every room where ever I live ) installed by unknown operators, plus CONSTANT and or PROMISED death threats, also while living litterally as a tortured slave, ...by definition of the word.
I literally get roasted whether true or not, for others narcistic supply and attention and money, in the attention economy this should make sense by now btw lol , that getting attention equals getting $ and fame, or at the very least narcistic supply or voice crack lol.
Everything I'm saying is literally 100% true there is not one lie in anything I say or said, but when I mention it , ...yes it becomes me being dramatic, or the bad guy or a 👿, simply because the average person cannot comprehend the truth simply put, lol. I laugh for self preservation btw lol.
All because of this pathology and living in extreme poverty.
Or that, "you're too sensitive"! That one makes me want to scream! "It's not that I'm too sensitive, it's that you've no empathy and you're an unfeeling shell of what's supposed to be a human being"!
@@chaosdweller You said, "the average person cannot understand the truth simply put". The rest of your reply wss incredibly vague. I have no clue what you were specifically referring to. Are you speaking in code?
I think the gaslighting from people outside of the relationship such as family and friends, or coworkers if it happens at work, is actually worse than the gaslighting from the narcissist! You feel so isolated, like there is no one you can talk to who will understand and validate what you are experiencing.
Problem is, I don’t like it. I don’t like that I was drawn in as a source of narcissistic supply. Now that I’m fully aware, thanks to Dr. Ramini, I can listen to the cold hard truth and realize that the anger it triggers within is a righteous anger that reminds me to be fair to myself. We cannot be held accountable for what we do not know.
Yes, we need to forgive ourselves. Though honestly there’s nothing to forgive. We didn’t wrong us, they did. We couldn’t help being in that situation. You’re woke now and that’s never gonna go away.
Everything you talk about, I am living. My situation is so extreme. It is dangerous that the police know NONE of this. The abuser feels no fear, there are no deterrents . They know they can get away with it. The victim knows there is no help. This is inexcusable .
I always expect people to kick me to the curb. Even at 68 years old I still expect it.
Same with me.
That is so sad :( May God heal your heart. Jesus loves you more than you could ever know
Spot on again Dr. Ramani. I am turning 41 this year and I've been away from my narcissistic people for 6 years and I am just now learning how to feel safe in life. It really is a lot of work coming away from those people but so worth it. Thank you again Dr Ramani ❤
Hi Dr Romani, I doubt you will get the chance to see this but I just wanted to thank you. About 7 months ago I introduced my mother who was finally starting to understand my fathers behaviour after 30 years of marriage and raising 5 children who all suffered (I am the eldest) as a result of narcissistic parental behaviour, she has finally had the courage to leave my father to protect my younger brother and sister from further abuse as this had been picked up by the services at their schools and during counselling sessions. Leaving, as I am sure you can appreciate, has not been straight forward or easy in any way, and ultimately pushed my father to display his issues full force. It has been painful. The way you are able to explain this phenomenon and its effects on people in their lives, particularly the vulnerable has been invaluable to myself and other family members. It has been a very difficult year but I sincerely hope that my younger siblings with the appropriate support won't suffer as much as the elder ones in our family due to them finally being separated. Thank you for providing the clarity that we all need when we grow up with a constant storm cloud above us not knowing what it is, now we do. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
To me, it was a permanent, unspecific sense of imminent threat through all my childhood and adolescence. I even had recurring nightmares where an invisible force was chasing me, I didn't know where it was, but I knew it wanted to hurt me.