Why Trauma Bonding Feels Like Love
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 พ.ค. 2023
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In this video, Dr. Ramani will be talking about why trauma bonding feels like love. Trauma bonding is a process by which people connect with someone or something that has traumatized them.
#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #medcircle #trauma #psychology #mentalhealthmatters #trauma #traumabonding #traumahealing
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When my ex and I discussed a situation or argument, I would explain what was wrong. My ex repeated what I said back to me. So he heard. He went on to ask if he did x, y, and z, would things improve? So he had heard, inwardly digested, and come to a reasoned solution. He would then progress down the path of implementing these suggested actions. Then, after a while, he would revert back to type. So I thought, well he's trying and you have to work at a marriage, so I stayed. It took 20 years to realise that this was not trying, but just further manipulation. The biggest problem in the relationship was that I enabled the behaviour. I should have walked away years before.
it's more evil to be more calculating after being exposed
They gave up on you and the relationship because they gave up on themselves it's not that they couldn't do it they didn't want to
@@Veraconahyes fear of what’s lurking 👀, hr tried to keep u on a leash what’s a horrible excuse of a human being, set boundaries if they jus keep voliting u hold back because u can see it from there perspective rain hell fire on those that wish u harm
Its December 25th, 2023. Is this workshop still existing and functioning?
how does this phenomenal woman hit it on the head everytime. the examples she gives are always so simple yet poignant
She's qualified and educated.
Education and passion
Because it’s well researched psychology, and she’s an expert on it.
Personal experience in addition to her education.
She's lived it.
She's a professional.
Inner Child fantasy. Often Inner Child seeks redemption. As a result we attract what's familiar.
Yes. We like to pretend everything will be allright like when we were children.
@@oldcroneI don't think that's what he meant. More like the inner child wants a chance to heal so we subconsciously attract similar situations that represent the trauma we need to heal from
I had to heal my inner child to finally get out of my trauma bond with the narcissist. I never knew when I was with him that he was a covert narcissist. I just knew I had to get my baby out of that toxic environment. He kept hovering me for 15 years, but I didn't know what it was at the time. I have now been no contact for 4 years. He has a new supply and tries to appear happy, but I know better. He can never be happy or love anyone, not even his own child or now grandchildren. Sad useless life!
@@hellawitzgerald7530that's excellent, and explains why it feels like home. The video did not provide this info promised by its title
I suggest you search about Repetition Compultion (which was coined by Freud).
The most valuable thing Dr. Ramani has taught me is trauma bonding. It helped me break away from my abuser after 2 years of outright confusion as to wtf was happening.
Realizing this helped me break away from a very old and toxic friendship. We haven’t talked in years and I don’t miss any of it. Very grateful.
Same
Can I ask your advice? I’ve finally recognised that trauma bond as an issue but throughout the past year I’ve been back and forth between no contract and relapsing… I’ve now gone full no contact but how do you stop yourself from relapsing? It feels like an addiction and despite knowing he’s bad for me I still want him back and miss him, what helped you overcome this?
@@lampshade3795 Can I ask your advice? I’ve finally recognised that trauma bond as an issue but throughout the past year I’ve been back and forth between no contract and relapsing… I’ve now gone full no contact but how do you stop yourself from relapsing? It feels like an addiction and despite knowing he’s bad for me I still want him back and miss him, what helped you overcome this?
Congratulations 🎉to freedom !!!👏👏👏 yes, its awful..
In a dating relationship, I have a hard time understanding trauma bonding. I grew to strongly dislike the narcissist I dated because of the (you guessed it) terrible way he treated me. He was a narcissist’s narcissist. Lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, gas lighted, raged, dominated-you get my point. The best day of my life was the last time I hung up the phone and decided I would never talk to him again. I can honestly say I have never regretted my decision. Life with him was hell.
@@primitivedogs4638 I am sorry you had to go through the horror of being married to a narcissist. If I had been married to this…man I dated I would have ended up in the penitentiary.
I was very angry back then, just because my ex lived a complete double life and dated my merried girlfriend (a second house and lots of girls).
Both divorsed and remarried.
I simply felt he spent all time and money on her and others during our merridge and I was crying about no money to kids milk...
Y’all wasn’t a good match. Long term
Yes, i know that feeling. 🙄😬
They can be controlling..
Dominant as you said ,
Etc. Congratulations 🎊 to freedom!!!
At first it feels like love then it begins to feel like danger
💗 I felt and feel very stupid, question my intelligence. I should've "known better", especially doing research, reading psychology books as a kid. Reading up periods of time while growing up. Ofcourse more horrific sad events occured in the meantime. I forgot everything... From what happened till what I read. Now I think I'm crazy, I imagine things, I don't believe myself. Supressed memories flow back after I finally ran away for the last time and went into hide out hermit style. I also get flashbacks and sad crying attacks out of the blue. Thinking some "light" stuff sets me off to panic mode myself, easily triggered. Can't cry/breath/sleep/eat/tensed whole body. I finally manage to see, it's a lot. I'm not alone, there's too many people suffering, good people 💗. We MUST RISE and put our faith and believe The Almighty Creator, He IS The Healer. The Protector of all hearts is purifying my heart, He is showing me, letting me know His Light shines bright in my heart, He vanquishes all evil toxic wickedness that's surrounding us and within ourselves. Take care ☝🏽🌌💖💫
i was tricked, so scared but managed to escape, that wasnt a regular dud, this was like alien
On God
Yes marriage is legal crime
It was never love. The idealisation/love bombing stage isn't love but mirroring. The Narc mirrors an ideal version of yourself back and they actually worship/idolise you for a while during this period. It is very addictive. It isn't love. Worshipping humans is very bad news but basically they treat us as a god, we get hooked on that feeling which is a high and then we will do anything to get it back. At that point you realise that of you worship them for a bit, they worship you for a bit but then over time they phase out the worshipping you bit so you are worshipping them instead. They don't love you (never did) and you don't love them. You idolise and worship them but you don't love them either.
People need to understand what love really is so they can recognise the counterfeit.
After a lot of time passed without contact, I finally broke the addiction to the husband narcissist. It is now like I never knew him at all. I certainty never loved him, but I was definitely addicted to the source of my torture and chaos. I thought I deeply loved him then but it was only a hard-core addiction. 😢😮
You stay because you’re desperate for love, don’t know what it isn’t, and are too exhausted to leave😂
😮😢
Like I used to be to exhausted to leave my old job.
Ya..not funny
Or don't have an safe alternative place to run too. ❤
@@MeghenFarley sometimes you gotta laugh to keep from crying. Don’t change the fact that it’s true.
Everything she said is absolutely correct. I see these behaviors repeatedly with individuals in toxic relationships as an adult mental health case manager. Workshops like this should be across different platforms (school, work, church, etc.) to help people be aware and break free from abusive relationships.
Thank you for your work, it's so important, please stay with it. People need to know they're not alone.
Please,
whslat's your position on
Guerilla PREGNANCIES,
where a Narcissistic women
discusses pros/&cons with
her friends/ or relatives ...and Targets totally good man
, knowing that everything is just
a way
A) to get all Goodies and
B) send him ...
To the Cleaners ?
When the narc is a parent, we have to stay, at least until we are old enough to leave. But likely the trauma bonds are so strong, and we are so brainwashed, it takes decades to figure out and escape.
Takes a lot to leave your parents
@@gummy5862 yes, it’s very hard. Worth it if you’re leaving abusive ones though.
Yes, it takes a lot. I left all my family on 2018. It is very strange, how much clarity I gained by being away. Only then I understood "mind fog" as a concept.
My adult kids are stuck in the trauma bond with their Dad...I divorced him 23 years ago thank God. Yet the kids, in order to get his attention will suck me in and cause unnecessary chaos and confusion and run to Dad the Covert Narc and he tells them nonsense such as the Mother has to obey the kids. They are 37 and 40 and they want me to play the games. I say No...that is not true and they still believe whatever Dad says....and devalue me for saying No...to the nonsense. The older they get the more they are like him. Wearing to deal with them.
@@jacquelinefroehle3583 it sounds exhausting.
In his words 'free meals + f****s' laughingly and in my mind's eye, something felt off. I began getting chest pains in my efforts to remain by him.
He was slowly destroying me, making me own his anxiety to his own convenience.
He announced the end of the/our sentimental relation several times, wanting to break my self confidence.
I am a strong woman.
At first I stayed for 2.5 months, and slowly created distance by 'no contact'.
His acting, panic crises and refusing to discuss anything became too uninteresting to want to be around. Yes, he blamed everyone but himself. And, he expected me to pursue him. I often felt manipulated and punished. Then he began downrating me in public.
We were quite different.
He was agnostic.
I was brought up with strong Christian values.
It hurt. But I left and sent his key back. By registered mail.
Now he can continue smearing me. But it is becoming clear to everyone's eyes that he is lying.
I can't help him.
Comes in all forms of relationships, friendships as well as romantic and family relationships
yessssss
So true! Glad you said about the superficial things then the worse stuff, Gaslighting, EXPLOITIVE, Trauma Bonding, dehumanizing. Well said!🔥🔥🔥
I don’t get it can you explain it another way what does she mean about superficial what’s the relevance of that
My dad married a narc who’s turned him into a shell of his former self. He deserved much better but he’s so codependent I can’t help him. If I do he lashes out.
Omg that’s so sad I hope he someday gets tired of living that way and opens his eyes to the truth
A SHORT means someone chose to cut up the original interview. However the explanation was very clear why they stay, but to use Dr. Ramani's word, people stay because the narcissist OR toxic person "gives you enough good days to confuse you and enough bad days to break your heart" the CONFUSION is why people stay. I'm speaking from 14 years of experience.
Also, she doesn't label EVERYONE a narcissist. She made it very clear in ALLLL of the many full interviews I have watched, narcissism is a PERSONALITY style, just like my personality style is AGREEABLENESS, which made me a great target for people like them. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an OFFICIAL DIAGNOSIS, like a person being given a (Major Depressive Disorder professional diagnosis) after multiple therapy sessions with a trained professional on NPD. There are more than you know out there and social media and Covid just exacerbated it.
Watch full interviews of her if you truly want to understand what YOU'RE going through and not care so much about the "SUPERFICIAL" stuff, such as what correct name is giving to those people who make or have made OUR LIVES HELL.
Hey ! I finally broke free from what i believe was a narc ex (it seemed to me he fulfilled 8 of the 9 DSM-5 criteria). Since you stayed for 14 years, may i ask you how much did it take you to become your original version of yourself after the breakup ? I am struggling at not ruminating, at laughing and joking again as i used to before him, at enjoying the small things in life again.
I got so used to do everything with him only, texting, sharing stories, sendig videos etc. that now everything feels so lonely and meaningless. It is as if i can only be happy if i share my life experiences with him. And then the guilt trips kick in and i start wondering if i was the narcissist, if my reactive abuse was actually narcissistic abuse etc.
How did you manage all this and how long did it take you to be able to live a day without thinking about him ? 😔
@@zeniabbasi8662Hi, I’m so sorry you are going through this, i’m in the same situation you are in, he was the only friend i had because i’m also more of an introvert. I only enjoyed doing things with him and it’s become hard. It’s been 4 months almost 5 since our breakup and i just feel like i’m not healing. I miss him everyday, think about him every minute and can’t stop blaming myself for how the relationship ended. I’m even starting to feel i was the narcissistic one, it’s extremely hard, how are you doing and coping now?
@@valentina370_ hey beautiful 🌸 i am doing much much better. While i still avoid things that remind me him, i am able to enjoy things/experiences/talks again. I have also stopped ruminating all day long and started being productive again in my day to day life (i study, cook, clean etc). Basically i have stopped hurting, but i wouldn't say i completely healed yet. I still find myself thinking about him. Not for hours, maybe just a few times a day but unfortunately every single day 😔 i don't know how to get rid of his thought. I tend to feel better when i think that he never deserved me and that someone else one day will be able to appreciate and respect me, but i guess until that man doesn't come into my life i won't be able to completely forget my ex. How are you feeling and coping with the situation ?
Following this thread. I’m right at the point of a final (I hope) breakup. I’m exhausted from walking on eggshells 😢
Thank you for this. It took me YEARS to recover from every type of relationship even the one with myself. Was so good when i realized it was me i had to forgive FIRST and let everything and everyone just GO AND FOCUS ON MYSELF. ✨️ 💯 ❤
Yes!, us WE have to forgive..
Yep. That's been me and why I'm single- again. However, I'm now in the learning stage and finding why I've done the "stupid" things I have. Why I've been divorced 3 times. Now, I'm just finding who I am and regaining the fun things that make me feel alive again after 20 years.
I’ve been divorced once but I’m ending a relationship that almost became a 2nd marriage, and it might fit some of what this video describes. I’ll need to explore it with my therapist though. Edit: my point for replying to your comment was to say I can see in myself the potential to have 3 divorces as well, and I want to try to not go down that path. :/
Good luck on your journey, and good job looking at and seeing yourself, and then actually doing something . I think that’s the hardest part.
I thought third time was charm😂
I felt like I couldn't live without him. It felt like an addiction, not a good intense need to be there it was more like I felt pure panic when I wasn't with him.
I wish I had someone to talk to like Dr. Ramani. She hits all the right points. I’m definitely going through this right now and it’s affecting me terribly.
Me too, i feel paranoid now and sometimes even like life is becoming more and more numb cause my heart aches so much. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I hope you know you're worth every beautiful thing in the world and that you are not hard to love.
@@lisosoma5786 I agreee 😔 thank you so much though. I’m sorry you’re going through it as wellll..I really hope things get better for you. I try to remember that things willl happen how they need to happen. even though that might sound super cheesy 😂😂
Get out! Don't let it keep you trapped and lonely one more minute!
Meee too it's awfully painful:-(
Same. I didn't rly understand what was happening to me for all this time. I've only recently found out this is a Trauma Bond, not love. It's literally the same exact chemical reaction in yur brain as a heavy duty addiction to cocaine. Only, instead of a drug, it's a person. The worst human being you know
We broke up ~8rs ago but havta co-parent w/ tht fkn demon & she has definitely nvr made tht easy, to put it nicely. & I hate, tht after all th ways she did me dirty, I continued goin outa my way to help her out, just to maintain at least a good co-parenting relationship. For our sons sake. But she was so much worse then than she was during the relationship. & after endlessly helping her, the 3x I've ever asked her for anything, she's refused.
Shes bn so toxic over all this time tht she's long since corrupted all th good memories I hav of her. I thought thts when this is supposed to stop, but it doesn't. Trying detachment, lately & just ignoring more & more of her calls/txts is helps
I hate tht I can't stop thinking abt her, tho. Not tht she knows or gives AF, but it's torture. No, it's worse than tht. At this point I think I'd prefer literal torture thn another day of this.
Ever see _Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind_ (Jim Carey - where there's a company u can pay to erase ppl from yur mind?) I would, 100%, pay almost anything, to get tht done immediately, if that technology existed.
I didn’t really blame myself. I definitely did listen to what he said, and made changes that I thought would make him happy. I had seemingly endless forgiveness for his abusive behavior, the mental and verbal garbage he threw at me to see if something would stick. One day if realized that even I have a limit and told him (kindly) he could work on his problems without me as his scapegoat. I did it! His response was a juvenile and vile smear campaign birthed in his delusional mind. Backfired on him, he’s alone and I’m free from the abuse, free to be me!
You said this so eloquently. Because that’s exactly who they target. You know, the type that’s slow to anger. The total opposite of what they are.
Omg! Yes. The superficial stuff! He takes me to concerts, vacations, cruises, expensive dinner... without me asking for a thing! But there is no emotional connection. He is very immature. And then when we fight that is all he talks about! All the good things he has done for me. Yes, the why do we stay! So confusing and exhausting!
Sounds like you have two different love languages
As someone who is currently working to break my trauma bond this hits spot on! Your videos have helped me in so many ways. Thank you so very much!!
It feel safe and later they start showing their narcissistic personality more and more until you see who they really are.😮
I stayed with my ex reason number one. I did love them and I couldn’t let them go at the time. However, when I was able to let go, I did it came down to it was them or me and I chose me. It was not easy but I did it, thank God thank you for all your wonderful videos
It’s hard being so accepting, understanding, and compassionate of people and their trauma (because you have trauma yourself) while not getting taken advantage of .
You describe the process so well…
My love of life has become the light house leading me safely away from rocky shores.
I have family members in this situation. Their relationship is very pretty on the outside, gorgeous home, travel, abundance but if it all went away it would be chaos😮. I don't want this for myself❤
Oh my wow!!! This is the EXACT description of my first serious relationship 40+ years ago. The longest relationship of my life, unfortunately. It messed me up for decades.
That's so true, bad is deep and good is superficial. One might go on a vacation and have good time but not help you in time of need. While doing bad, when they manipulate you, they take away your mental capabilities.
In good relationships, bad is things like conflicts or anger but those things don't hurt you or take away your capabilities. And they will be there for you in tough times. So basically good is deep and bad is in acceptable or bearable limits so essentially superficial.
Wow, I love the way that you phrased this! Thank you!
@@swttooth318 Pleasure!
The impact of fairytales (Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, etc.) and other forms of media needs to be mentioned. All of this stuff trains girls from a young age to associate love with chaos and exalt the superficial aspects of love, such as a lovely wedding and going to a ball together in lovely outfits.
So many women, my old self included, believe that it is love if a man is paying your bills, taking you to dinner, taking you on holidays. Wrong… that’s usually a man who is buying you as if you’re a shiny object, and you can see this instantly from how most men treat their codependent partners - cheating, scapegoating, abuse… oftentimes these women are not even treated as partners but manipulated into being mistresses strung along on the side. You can’t really blame us girls for falling for it when we grew up watching how Cinderella gets saved from slavery and poverty by the Prince instead of saving herself and has her perfect “happy ending” (it’s never shown how he treats her behind closed doors! Funny). Our culture sends a deeply rooted message to women that true love is not only shallow and superficial, but that it’s also a codependent trauma bond, rooted in dependency on the man and a rescuer / rescuee dynamic. This couldn’t be further from true.
True. I also noticed spiritual narcissists like to use religion such as Christianity, Islam, etc. to excuse this behavior from the men. Another recent thing to gaslight women into this way of thinking is the Red Pill agenda.
There is no defense against a narcissist because they will find your weak point, no matter if you are an independent person or not. They are sociopaths.
In my culture, men pay for everything, so when he paid for dinner, pay bills, holidays, etc; I was not impressive. It is expected as just what respectable men do. I also had dated much wealthier men before, so again not something new to me. Since money didn't impress me, he loved bombed me emotionally. He told me his deep dark secrets and made me so sympathetic that it was impossible to leave because it went against my values.
The only thing you can do is have good boundaries and when they start pushing and being disrespectful and abusive and gaslighting, getting out.
I spent 8 years totally confused to what was going, in a complete fog. Funny because we didn't have good dinners, we didn't have a good vacations we didn't laugh, we didn't have sex after 3 years.
His behavior was so odd I just needed to know " is this for Real. "
No idea these people existed and that was the biggest reason why I stayed.
Yes! Mine was exactly this to a T. He would even bring me flowers if I was sad, then purposely start an argument later which would make me feel worse. I realize it was a manipulative tactic to make me feel a little better then kick me while I was already down so I’d end up feeling much worse. And the arguments were always blamed on me, even if I was the one saying “Just stop it”… Like you said, superficial “good” things but very detrimental bad things.
I think admitting to myself this relationship was not what I hoped it to be was very difficult because than it's so disappointing. They keep asking for chances and you give them because you hope for a different outcome. But in the end it will just burn you more.
Whenever I hear someone talking endlessly about their partner’s ‘tough life’ (victim story) and how ‘they are the only one the victim has…’ it always makes me wonder if they stay with the victim out of actual love, or…more out of a feeling of obligation? Anyone who tells you that ‘you are all they have’…is laying a pretty thick ‘life line’ (trauma bond) to keep you from ever ‘abandoning them’. Your job is to ‘save them’. Very manipulative. 🚩
Ouch.
But also some people share too much of their trauma from past narc relationships with the wrong person. Sometimes after. A narc is done with you, you literally have no one. So it may be true that the new partner is all they have. But it’s important for the “victim” person to do therapy and work on themselves. If you can give that person space to grow and encourage them to live their own life, that’s healthy. But if they only want to spend time with you and all of your time should be spent doing what makes them happy… that’s another form of manipulation( if either person exhibits this behavior)Sometimes hurt people can share their past pains, and the new person exploits that for selfish gain.
Just happened to me
Very true! I have never fully witnessed this until I moved next door to what appears to be TWO trauma-bonded narcissists in a dysfunctional relationship. At first, being a writer of fiction, I was fascinated. Then I realized I was getting sucked in, caring about them too much. That’s another hallmark of a narcissistic relationship. It’s like a vacuum cleaner:sucks in everything around it. Just say “No.” There’s nothing you, the observer, can ever do. So stop observing.
They stay because that’s the language of love they learned from the narc partner. If the day starts off fine, then it goes volatile, break up, yell, then hit, run, chase, make up, have great make up sex. It’s all they know and thinks it’s love and acts of it too.❤
Spot on
I feel this... I'm trying to break this cycle currently. I have definitely used the few good moments to make myself stay.
I cannot tell you how much you have helped me in the past few months since my therapist showed me your TH-cam videos. I’m still just on the edge of learning and it’s still extremely confusing. But I have to listen to you every day to not ruminate about my grandiose, narcissist, husband. I moved out for months ago and filed for divorce and he just got served today. He’s still trying to Hoover me back. 90% of what you say. Applies to my husband. Thank you thank you thank you.
You are so spot on. I am divorcing a narcissist. Three yrs never ending. He wants me to live in the streets. Aweful human beings
Thank u that's my family and my whole life. I am an empath and that's what they like about me but they hate the fact that I am not a people pleaser. I don't even understand why I am still living with them 😅 TRAUMA BOND
Yes. You explained very well the trauma bond I am living.
So painful to stay and hard to get out of. But so freeing when you do. ❤
She's describing my relationship today
she genuinely has saved me from a cycle of torture
I was so lost until i discovered Dr.Ramani and her healing group and videos. She is amazing and a life saver.❤
The good stuff lacks depth, but the bad stuff goes clear to the bone.
Bingo! 🎯🎯🎯
Thank you! Yes our good times were superficial stuff only. None of it is on the same level with the physical abuse so none of it lessens the trauma and damage caused.
yes DEHUMANIZING !! AT THE CERY LEAST OVER 39 YEARS WITH COVERT NARCISSIST !! LOST MYSELF !! BLESSED NOW
He would always find ways to screw things up ,like vacation. Everything was about being 'cheap' about everything but what he wanted / his needs . His behavior affected my relationship with my family
This is one of the most incredibly accurate descriptions of what I went through.
I feel this! I love how she said this.
Just explained why I can’t leave. I’ve been here so many times and I thought this one was the one. But it’s turned out to be the same, and the good stuff is all superficial. The bad stuff is gut wrenching
Man! I’ve been unlucky with relationships & friendships for a longggg time. My narcissistic sister, father & mother ruined so much for me. I feel so heavy & lost my sense of self to be honest.
I’ve not heard the term Trauma Bonded. We had been through so much Trauma, I thought there was nothing that could break us. Then 47 years together he wanted a divorce . I said he never got over the death of his father in a landslide. He broke down sobbing. Trauma bonded is real!
I need to keep listening to this. Otherwise I miss him and want to see him again and for what,?
eugh 😢 the dreadful euphoric recall
Dr Ramani has been a great help in my healing process.
I am finally setting boundaries and not settling for his victimhood. This is not easy but I’m going to get through it. Thank you for your guidance ❤🙏
Divorce is never the way out, My wife and I have been having issues before I sort out help from a spiritual adviser,i wasnt going to let my marriage of 18years crash
@Emilio Yepez well not the orthodox way but i was referred by a friend to a spiritual adviser and healer
@Emilio Yepez her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE,and she is a great spiritual adviser as well as caster
you can look her name up online and you will find all you need.
So happy for the both of you for wanting to save your marriage. I also just want to point out how professional this exchange was between you two😂 it was refreshing to see but I felt like I was reading two CEO's conduct a business deal lol!
@@MorgueInTheVoid they’re bots lmao
My neighbour who iniated dates with me, said that she had a one night stand with one of my best friends after my birthday party, because of a trauma bond. A few days before my birthday party, she said "I'm evil". I figure I ignored many more red flags
Spot on. She knows what she’s talking about
This is the pinnacle of all analysis on narcissistic relationships. No real connection, just superficialities.
Wow. Long time no see. You! You have opened up. So wonderful to see a caring fearless teacher. Congratulations!
The basis of the confusion is not recognizing it for what it really is because the victim has never experienced real love in their upbringing... so they wouldnt realize the fake acts of affection are not actual love. I know Im paraphrasing all you say Dr. R.... Thank you for spreading this important info!
You're so good Dr Ramani!
So true! You’re absolutely right
I’m realizing I stayed bc I accepted how I was treated as it mirrored how my mother treated me. Indifferent, annoyed. This is how I was treated in my relationship. Once healed, it was no longer acceptable to me. I used to think it was almost endearing, but actually my ex treated me terribly when it got bad. What I was losing wasn’t worth the ok parts that kept me.
Perfectly articulated
Yes very good explanation.
I was the one that was abused! At the time I just accepted it and overlooked red flags. During our 30 year relationship we grew and had great accomplishments!!! Looking at it from the outside I understand and empathize with her trauma and struggle and pray for her to heal her past trauma that was the root cause of her toxic behavior. We are only as sick as our secrets! STAY STRONG snd good luck on your healing journeys🙏🏻
Even though I didn't buy into my histrionic malignant narcissist mother's beliefs or way of life and I was public enemy number 1 for not affirming her every lie....It has taken a lifetime of untangling and worth every second of it.
Yup! That's exactly what it was! 🎯
And ESPECIALLY when ones been either, intentionally or unintentionally, groomed, so to speak, to such unhealthy dynamics...
Spot on. You have nailed it dr Ramani. Exactly the case.
It hurts to stop But I really HAVE TO IMMEDIATELY
More damage done if you stay. The hurt of leaving the toxic person will heal and as you grow and learn you’ll be able to detect red flags and hopefully avoid abusive people. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly but be with someone loving and kind ❤
Or else down the rabbit hole you go.
Reminds me off my marriage. The bad was extremely bad, the good was all for show and superficial.
How do we really know what real love is if we lived in this chaos for most of my life. I don't even know what to do with myself now that I know this. The comments you speak of, is real. Confused is exactly on the mark.
My ex 20 year narc told me that a little nice and then a little mean keeps the caregiver(me) confused. So it’s definitely an intentional act.
Dr. Ramani is the best there is at explaining this dynamic and all dynamics of narcissism 🙏
Thanks for circulating this. Helps me make sense of the situation in my past which I am (neurologically) recovering from now.
Dr. Ramani breaks it down all the time! ❤
🕊🍃Dr. Ramani, Thanks, Kindly! 💛🙏🏻
I love you! On target as usual! You rock on so many levels!💝💝💝
Broke that cycle before we wasted 10 yrs not getting along.
Interesting analysis. trauma bonding, addiction. Real statistics show that one out 4/5 woman have BPD, so this is a big area of study.
A lot of times they are financially stuck and isolated, and believe they have nowhere to go…
This video is right on the money I went through it for nine months
One solution and one solution only no contact get out as fast as you can and don’t look back
I have OCD and one of my themes has to do with fearing that I am manipulative. How do you know for sure if you have trauma bonded someone? Not as the bondee, but the one doing it
Why are you questioning it?
I feared the same thing.. But my amazing therapist said that- becauce I'm so hyper-aware of it in other people, I'm therfore hyper-aware of becoming it (having been the recipient before) ..
The fact that we are asking the question shows that we are inherently good people. Trust yourself. Don't let them sew seeds of doubt in your reality. Write stuff down!
Also, get reassurance from friends, family and professionals. That helped me a ton!
If you're still concerned or perhaps you find yourself becoming the only person someone sees regularly, ask them if you ever do things that confuse them. Tell them to be honest. If they say no, then you're likely not manipulating, just good company.
But if you get confused by what they do- beware :)
Ditto...
People stay because they are afraid to be alone. Narcissists manipulate in the end because they are afraid to be alone. See the pattern?
My Fearful Avoidant Attachment Trauma Style, his Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style. I only felt worthy of love in small in small itty bitty amounts without emotional support, without the security of knowing he'll be there for the tough stuff, without being cared for in my deepest darkest times and illnesses or worrying he'll leave me for being a burden, just like when I was a small and helpless child and my Parents were too bothered or busy to care for me no matter how much pain I was in, I took care of myself and when possible my younger siblings too, or I laid there alone and tried to disconnect from my body so I didn't have to feel the pain.
I was in a trauma bond and there was even barely anything superficially good now that I reflect and I’m outside of it.
I needed this 😢
Christine Albright
"THANK YOU!..."
Now I get it … “trauma bonding” wow Thank you 🙏🏼
If, as you've said to your clients, when you ask, "describe your relationship to me," and if I think of that narcissist ex, I dated your first visual clue would be to see me hang my head. If you ask, in a non accusatory tone, "What makes you love him?" I wouldn't be able to form a sentence and to fill in the silence I'd mutter I don't know. I was never getting treated right, being told if my colleague at work was interested in him I'd be dumped, getting told he was still in love with a deseased ex, talking about places hed take me and he never did and conning me out of my own money by telling me people were trying to go after him. In a strange way I felt safe because before I met him I was broken, I was lonely and I didn't think he was going anywhere that even if I didn't enjoy the things which were going on I felt safe because I had a relationship
You hit the nail on the head!
So true Dr. 😊😊😊
Thank you. 🤗🤗🤗🙏🙏🙏
I wanted to thoroughly thank Dr. Ramani for helping me to acknowledge and recognize what was going on with my relationship. It was because of her outstanding education that I am now finally divorced.
He moved in and has told me what he will do if he has to move out. Never let someone move in with you. If you move in with him, you can easily leave.
No you can't. Ask me how I know.
I got stuck for 32 years with Ms. Jekyll-Hyde; tried every way to make the marriage work and function properly. She made things worse and it never got better. Get away from toxic Covert Narcissist immediately. Its not worth your life to stay around such a person.
I did not know I was “Trauma Bonded” until after that Dark Nightmare of a woman left my life.
Sucks! I’m still recovering.😮
We love you Dr Ramani
Hit the nail on the head..my last 14 years. I am in therapy now, my husband has been gone a year, said he is coming back..no thank you! I feel sorry for him, but I am so desperately trying to find myself. He has always tajen..still asking me for money. My sister outright told me they were together back in July..definitely, he was with another woman...I just xant..I said to him, why would you want to come back? He hasn't answered. The thing is, I do not want him back..I started making my own goals and plans..I filed for divorce, just have to pay for it.
I think I’m in a trauma bond. His Trauma, which he projects onto me in the form of lies and “not now, later when you’re good enough” .
Wow this hit home. The good days vs really bad days. Where you think and you’re actually blamed and gaslit for the bad days. It’s your fault this person got angry and broke through the bedroom door while you’re trying to protect your child as you’re being attacked then dragged down the hallway by your hair. It’s your fault that happened to the next level where it didn’t happen or it’s twisted where now you’re the aggressor and picked up a 400 lb man and dragged him across the floor as he’s trying to protect your child. And other people now believe his story! This atrocity being that being the beginning to many other examples of abuses in front of your child. So now your child believes you’re the 125 lb aggressor and maniac dragging and abusing their father. You are looked as a mental illness case.