What is trauma bonding?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 20 ก.ย. 2024
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This clip from What is Coercive Control? With Dr. Christine Cocchiola
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
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That’s a great analogy! I’m going to use it. My husband is a slot machine but he’s broken. I’ve been putting coins in for years and he’s stopped completely responding. But last year I stopped and he’s confused and says something is wrong with me because I’m no longer giving him gratification or anything and I don’t react to his behavior.
Leave him behind. You deserve a kind, caring, feeling partner. Life is to be enjoyed!
Good for you!
Well done 👍 stay strong.👍⭐
@@susanfurlong4048she won't leave.. they love the wife title
Sit down and tell him this. First step is communication
Intermittent reinforcement is absolutely the hardest thing to overcome
It's the hardest addiction to overcome.
oh my goodness...I can't believe I fell for this over and over and over and..
That's what happened to me. My husband get nicey nice for a while and then just stops. Then the uglies come out. And everything starts all over again.
I cannot believe this analogy. I was involved in a relationship with a narcissistic man. At that time, I did not understand that he was a narcissist. Every time I would try to break up with him, he would come back for more. I explained to him this analogy. it’s like gambling, but the house always wins. The table is rigged. There is no getting out until you are completely emotionally bankrupt. After this conversation we had it took another three years to finally escape this abuse. If you are involved with this type of person, do not even try to explain to them why you were leaving them. just leave. Disappear. Save yourself.
Was he diagnosed?
You don't need diagnostic for this. Its a very clear pattern of abuse and it has a very clear effect on the abused. What people lack is information. When you have enough knowledge the pattern becomes veery easy to spot and very predictable really.
Bread crumbs ……… lived that nightmare for 3 yrs. love the material Dr Ramani has on narcissism!
All of my boyfriends,partners. It's bizarre I don't want to play petty but they were all selfish or plain abusive one way pr the other.
Put downs, hot and cold.
Sexual coersion, breaking up and the kiss my friend ( teenage years). Later in adult life, stringinge along. I was so naive a doormat. I have to believe I am not my past but the hurt and effects are there and also, there are simply many humans who just don't care or are not compatible with our valuas but life used to just happened to me bc I waa Christus thinkng it eas all part pf my road lol. I woke up but I'm still meeting the same situation of feeling ignored on and off.
Intermitting ghosting I'm afraid.
His last text was: no worries you are sweet.
Bc I duggested to call qhen he has time
I don't know of ons another manipulative being but I do see nonchalant behavior again. I am considerate but it's not reyutned i the name of busy.
I often remind mysekf: the gpod sides don't make up for the bad. I deserve someone's effort. Etc
Feels unfair.
@@peaceofmindofpeace1650 Stay strong and put more value on yourself. Maybe try to just be by yourself for awhile and pray for the right person to be in your life. Keep your expectations low when starting a new relationship and always be on guard for those red flags.
@@georgerothenberger9236 raaaaape anything traumatic that illicit mood stabilizing in another party. You get paid for it.
This describes my childhood
Mine, too, and my current relationship
Best explanation of trauma bond
My sponsor in al anon always told me my spouse was giving me bread crumbs. He would play nice for a few days and i would fall for it. Thinking and hoping he might change now. and then the reality is emotional abuse , screaming , yelling, neglect,, stone walled me, and I never really understood it until today. i feel so sick
Finally, a definition of the trauma bond I can relate to. I thought the trauma bond was caused by cognitive dissonance.
The rat in the original experiment ( press lever get positive feedback at decreasing random intervals)killed itself pressing a lever forever till it died waiting for the good. Truly.
@@seekerofgrace2058thank you. Do you know where we can read about thé expériment?
Intermittent reinforcement 🤯 maybe I’m late to this information but WOW how it all comes together
They are nice and pull you in, then push you away. The anger, hatred and blame shifting is unbearable.
Dating apps and this how they make their money too! Dating apps are so stupid.
I remember telling a friend that it felt like gambling (toxic ex). Same high and low! The withdrawl ugh! But you can recover! Takes time and help.
With this info, I seem to be getting a message to not trust my own love for someone, but rather to keep assessing how they are treating me, regardless of my love for them. Is that right? So if their previous few actions toward me where negative, and there was no acknowledgment or apology from their side, I should cool down my approach to them.
If you believe in the Bible it says not to rely on our own understanding and that our hearts can easily be deceived-that’s why we need to guard it so well. So yes-feel your feelings but always keep your eyes open and don’t let rose colored glasses keep you from seeing the reality of a person
YES!! Matthew Hussey explains it well what’s actually really important in assessing a healthy relationship is how they make you feel? Do they make you feel validated uplifted, stronger, better happier , content at peace, loved. When you lay it out all on the table it’s pretty clear isn’t it? It is an actually a loving relationship. If someone artificially loves you conditionally and only if you stroke their ego and make them look good or be a servant for them
Little bits of good sprinkled with lots of bads…OMG indeed. 💐 Thank you yet again, Dr Ramani!
Omg.. this was my first marriage of eleven hellish years.
This amazing lady has helped me through my very first narcissistic relationship and she will help me through NOW a VERY toxic relationship if not another narcissistic one. This was a fantastic analogy. This is what i get.. breadcrumbs. As soon as he senses im ready to leave..he tosses me bread crumbs to keep me. But luckily I'm much smarter this time snd see what i need to get out
Dr Ramani is the absolute best
I always looked for the good in people and overlooked the bad which I thought was unintentional. Didn't know it could be intentional to hurt someone.
This behavior has become very apparent to me now, but I never saw it for so long. It's hard to believe how unaware I was of everything. Once you see it, you can't unsee it (as Kelly Clarkson recently said).
Strangely when my ex and I played nickel slots, I always won! We occasionally went to Cripple Creek to gamble nickels. Fun memory.
Thanks for the gold nugget Dr. Ramani.
I truly appreciate the knowledge you're providing.
Yes! I needed to hear this.
Is being on the path to healing being able to say the crumbs of good are fake and phoney and gross so ignore. Yuch. I'm able to see this finally. I feel this hope that the person changed is so dangerous. The hope is the benefit of the doubt another tricky thing to be used only on ppl proven to be nice ppl.
@@estherhirsch4460 so true!!
Great analogy!!!
Omg. This is my social work professor when I was in NVCC in Waterbury CT. Beautiful soul
She's never missed with her breakdown of narcissistic and narcissist behavior
Love her!!! So wise
Perfect on fire analogy ❤ Looking forward to the special training you’re giving to therapists today.
This is sooooo good
My mother treated me like this for years, among other awful things she did. I finally walked away. She tried to call me a lot after that for years, but finally stopped and got her supply from my brother instead.
Omg best analogy EVER
Wow! What a great example with the slot machine. This is super helpful. Thank you for your work
Oh. My. God.
Finally, I understand what was done and how it’s still working. OMG.
Thank you
Me too!!! It’s terrible.
Great Awakening ! Love this Comparaison Dr. Ramani - So Easy to Visualize and Recall on this Subject 🎉❤
Very well explained
Thanks for listening
Now I know what trauma bond is. Very easy to understand things with Dr Ramani.
So a trauma bond is an addiction 🤔 interesting
Exactly
An unfortunate reality.
Elsie, I love ❤️ your comment especially with that emoji.
Addiction? I watched to other videos stating the same thing.
Saying that people in this difficult relationship get high with the abuse…
Is it? Really?
We are forgetting that we are talking about a couple that fell deeply in love with each other, supposedly.
What happened when any relationship starts to fall apart?
Don’t we all miss the good times?
Don’t we all want to get back that?
Don’t we all feel sad when a couple divorce? And we want them back together???
And, Are we talking we are all addicted to our partners???
In the case of a couple when one of them has NPD things are very different. The NPD first purposely traps their victim, with love bombing, and lots of attention. After he secured his prey, little by little starts the manipulation, the gaslighting and the distortion of their reality, they are confused, belittled, hurt, helpless, unable to understand the situation.
When you want to break the cycle, the NPD then start with any sort of arguments that end up in future faking, they promise they are going to change, everything is going to be perfect and so on.
NPDs are perfect actors, they can shade crocodile 🐊 tears, they get to know you perfectly, they know your weaknesses and they know how to push your buttons.😮
So what do you do???🤔
The man/ or woman you love is telling you how much they love you, they tell you they can’t live without you, they promise you a beautiful, perfect future and you want the old person back.
What is anyone is going to say????
Any person in a regular relationship…..is going to say……YES….so does the other one.
Yes. That’s all.
hits home like a hammer
❤❤❤thank You Dr Ramani
Ds is wat really explains the trauma Bond
omg I qas stuck to ds for years× years but got nothing ....its like the qay we trauma bonded to play Lotto & Lottery ticket games trauma bonded dat der will be a Jackpot win someday but it nva happns ...trauma bond welll explained ❤
What also get people stuck and addicted is the feeling that they don’t have anything else in life than the damn slot machine 🎰
Thats why they separate you from friends and family.
@@0xsergy and relatives will seperate you from other relatives to themselves. Those creatures are nasty and sneaky, they know how to play the game to those codependent on them. Yikes!
You all three are absolutely 💯 right …..!
Thank you, doctor Ramani❤
Nothing could be more accurate than this video💯👍🏼 intermittent reinforcement is just a kind of hanging hope that a empath usually develops towards the narcissist bcz the narcissist keeps giving them some form of breadcrumbs 1 day and then the other day they’ll act all their true way.
Well said 👏
My marriage.
Listen up to this lady ! This is what it's like with a narcissist
Man. My bpd ex got me good with that. I wanted to leave then everything would be great again and I was hoping it would last but never did. Kept happening this way Til I found out she cheated
Same with me ex gf fk
So true and needed information.
One referenced " giving m& m s" to ppl!
Thank you for all you share 💛🧡❤️
💯💯💯💯
Thank you very much
SHE'S A PROFESSIONAL ONE SIDED PERSON WITH STORY TO TELL THAT MAKES HER THE HERO, OR THE VICTIM, DEPENDS ON THE MOMENT, SITUATION, MOODS, CIRCUMSTANCES, AND WHO'S AROUND 👍👍👍👍
I worked for a narcissist boss for two years through a lot of abusive and restrictive behavior. Our reviews were non exsistant, achievements were downplayed, nobody was promoted, the office was silent, nobody wanted to be there and everyone just hung on until they couldnt anymore. I finally left when i got a bad review stating that i “worked too hard”. Basically they didnt like me working so hard that the bigger bosses were noticing me.
Thank you. ❤
Excellent
TOTALLY 👍 👌
There was no reinforcements in my childhood, now what you’ve described is my life.
Being without people is not good either. I don't seem to have the capacity to SEE, I thought I learned some new things in this weird hard life. I'm blinded till death. The mist is too foggy, makes everything so dark. WHHHYYY am I depressed, why is my mood so low. Oh I already knew that. Why do I keep on forgetting?? Oh yeah right, I already figured that out. WHY CAN'T I STOP WITH THE WHY. I don't wanna know anything anymore, it's not helping. I'm so tired now.
Hi in some point I am like you, I do not want to learn more.
Do you know what I really need??
I need to get out of the relationship, that’s what I need.
As you say, keep talking about the same thing does not help, right??
We could not believe how we did not see it, why we let them to convince us??
Stop asking why, especially the most difficult to get rid off:
Why me?????
The important thing is:
Are you still in this relationship???
If yes, the next question is How to get out of here???
If not, move on with your life. Be happy you could get out of hell and are still alive, many people die in the process so…..
I hope you can read this message and help a little.
This is my two cents, accept it from a doctor ❤❤❤❤❤
Amen!!!
I've never thought about that; slot machines, like the lottery... there is a sort of trauma bonding. Like a breadcrumbing effect. Interesting!
Love the slot machine analogy! I work in a casino. Lmao!! 🎰
Dr. Ramani I can you're the truth by how that hand moves
Hook line and sinker
That's why dootball(soccer) is so addictive and its fans that passionate
Still wanting to pull the lever even after a divorce and all kinds of bs that followed. Great analogy. Trying to heal so I don't want to play that slot machine. Find myself pulling the lever even though I know better. So frustrating and painful. These people are the definition of evil.
so true
I think I’m in a trauma bond with my therapist. She doesn’t listen right, and the things she says only sometimes bring clarity or make it feel like she’s invested in me. We’re doing emdr so I tell myself it’s okay I don’t need her to talk all the time
I learned early on that if i wanted positive attention from my Ex wife I needed to do something "good" for her. The more good things I did (letting her get away with bad behavior mostly), the more attention I got. Stop doing good things, she stopped treating me well. I was well trained.
Yup !
Amen
And I declare myself and my daughter free in the name of Jesus Christ.
I just realized this means I had an addictive personality to stay with with a narcissistic spouse for so long. Ugh.
No you are not. It’s just all the love ❤️ bombing, the gaslighting, the confusion, the lies, the hurt, the hate/ love game, blame-shifting and all the horrible things that NPDs do. You fall for the future faking as any couple with marital problems does. Don’t they go to therapy trying to get their marriage fix???
So do you, you say yes NOT because you are addicted to the abuse, not because you get high with the abuse, it’s because you want to fix your marriage as any other regular relationship wants.
No it’s not your fault. Remember they deceive us so for much of the time you are in the relationship you didn’t know what he was doing.
So as you can see, I don’t agree with the idea of addiction.
It’s a normal reaction in any relationship……
Wow lightbulb moment definitely breadcrumbs keeps you living in hope…, so you saying this is the single definition of a trauma bond?
Public comment. Wow red flag 🚩 run. Great information.
Sooo true
Amen understood
Dr. Ramani, what episode is this from?
Sounds kinda like a rental agreement ...just keep paying rent ..not getting a return ..
😢😡😡 was used, thats what it seemed like.
Yep
Perhaps just maybe a table scrap will fall on the floor for me
I was in a relationship like that we broke up last year she would tell me she loved me and she wanted me to make her my peace but she would accuse me of being with different women or accusations that was not true at all now when we met she told me she was healing from a past relationship but I didn't think it would have gotten that bad I loved her and she loved me at the time I reinsured her so many times I was not doing anything to hurt her but she just couldn't see it and it started to change because we were arguing more and it just took me out my character and one day she did it again and that was my boiling point we had a huge argument and I said something things and she did as well and that's when we broke up she always told me she was getting better but she wasn't she had to much trauma from her past relationship and other relationships she had and then she also told me she had PTSD but long story short again she was to traumatized I hope she gets the help that she needs and talk to someone because it's not going to get any better because it ruined are relationship
Oh God yessssss omggg
My fifty years of marriage 🥲
I never got the reinforcement
But the " little bits of good" were great! But I finally realized, after I paid attention I can't with the "lotz of badz ...STILL! " I just don't have that time anymore and he's no " Jackpot"! So therapy, next? ??
In other words don’t believe in luck believe in yourself always think before you act and always act on what you say don’t waste your time money and energy on anyone or anything that doesn’t serve your goals but you have to know what you want to get what you want that’s how you build a strong unshakable personality be an original don’t copy the simple minded because we all know the simple minded don’t believe in themselves they believe in material things that’s why they only care about themselves and what benefits them 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Lots of bad sprinkled with a little bit of good yup
🙏🙏🙏
The Audio is very low on your videos
Does a narcissist ever learn life lessons?
After 17 yrs with my fem. Nex. My best educated answer to your question would be.....not until they address their inner childhood wounds/past traumatic events that took place & become self aware of how their actions effectively impact on others. Odds are against them but, it's not impossible. Remember they are not wired like you & I. They focus on the outcomes at hand once they come to surface being the problem. Not what they did or said that created those exact problems. So they solve it in one of the only ways they can....they get rid of you, us! Mine is living her life still believing everyone else is the problem! I'm still learning to this day It was all fabricated. The time, care, & love i gave her was all time, care, & love I truly NEEDED to give to myself. If you have a genuine heart...use it for you first without hurting others! With peace & love, these words. -G. Medina PHX, AZ.
Dare my age. Datingsite is like that..the hotties have special narc programs to keep you stuck and have the narc experience while everybletter cost you 10bucks from them..which they send standardky to fake matches..i lost 22 k
On one narc..
The Happy guy would show up from time to time- it was crumbs of the LOVEBOMB guy I fell for. He was a character my husband created to snag me. Then once we got married and I was paying all the bills and guaranteed to be there for him- Bam- he became a total jerk. Happy Marc only showed up from time to time. …. Just kicked him out and getting divorced. I still miss Happy Marc- but I won’t see him ever again because he now a pure HATING DEMON- not just a kind/ but hurting ex … no he’s now sinister- it’s the tanking out through the bottomless pit. Awful stuff - I have to imagine he died- even tho I may see him with a new woman in his car- next week…. Driving by my home…. But who cares. I am free now.
😊
No no trauma it's criminals mobbed criminals traffickers slandering my decent real life.. Mobbed..
Trojan Trump... described very well ..if you didn't sniff it out in the first three years, 2020 should have peeled your eyes back
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😘😭