I run a small sanctuary for chickens. They are all rescues from abusive situations. Some of them come from the industry and some from bad back yard situations. The story about the chickens getting shocked like that broke my heart. I'm sitting here crying. My chickens follow me where ever I go. They bicker about who's to sit in my lap and get pets. They cry when I leave them and many will wait by the door like a dog until I get back when I close a door between us. When I sing to them, they'll all come and gather around me. Chickens are so emotional, so smart, so loving given a chance to feel safe and loved and they are so gravely underestimated and horribly abused in society. I wish everyone could see what I'm seeing in my chickens. I've always had a deep connection with animals and always had dogs and cats before, ever since childhood. But dogs and cats have nothing on these chickens in their capacity to love, feel pain, be scared, feel safe, suffer and enjoy life. I wish people would stop abusing them... :'(
I'm in tears. And so touched by how you described chickens. I noticed that if someone who I love and feel safe with leaves, I'd get anxious and panicky till there's some kind of contact (text, call or face to face) again. It seems to me that I'm waiting for being love and feel safe my whole life. On another note, we had quite a few chicken while growing up and liked to stay with them. The sound they make soothe me. Even the other day, I was passing by a very small public animal sanctuary with all sorts of ducks, sheep, and chicken. I stopped and were so touched how the chicken were just so innocently and openly running toward me. Thanks so much for your comment Nina.
It’s time to start a youtube channel showing your chickens and how they are, if your heart wants to of course, it would bring so much awareness of how chicken are so sensitive and smart, i would love to see it😝💗
This sounds exactly like love bombing. The person gives you tremendous amount of affection, care, they open doors for you, compliment you, tell you the most loving and compassionate things. That person takes time to listen, to hear you, to understand you and then a few months down the line all of a sudden that same person switches their personality.., from jackal to hyde without a warning. It leaves you questioning your sanity.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
Something that helped me was, get a feeling chart, get a few different ones and write down all of the horrible feelings you felt when they were emotionally abusing you. Do it for a few days/weeks. It will become a very large list. Just keep looking at it because that’s what you be getting if you go back
Trauma Bond. Intermittent reinforcement. Affection alternated with cruel or poor behaviour. This has the power to hook your mind. This is a destructive dynamic, it keeps you hooked onto the destructive relationship. Trauma Bond is a groove that forms in your psyche. They are sorry but never extra. sorry. When the kid grows up they develop love addiction, a high tolerance for abusive relationships, an inability to leave abusive partners, and unavailable people.
So sad how this vicious circle works: deprivation of love creates a bigger need for love and every time we end up heartbroken and even more traumatized. Your tough love, Anna, is a trigger but a very useful one. It's tough but true, thank you for giving a name to these hard feelings, love & greetings from Greece
Wow, Anna. I’ve heard this term before, but I guess I didn’t understand its true meaning. This video resonates SO strongly for me, and I feel an overwhelming need to share my story; maybe it will help someone else in a similar situation. I do apologize for the long comment. I was in a 20-year relationship with someone who - seemingly - fell head over heels for me. (I’ve heard it referred to as “love bombing” before.) Due to my CPTSD and BPD, which I didn’t realize I had, our relationship was extremely volatile. We both had alcoholic parents - his mom, my dad - and suffered abandonment (emotional for me, both physical and emotional for him). Both of us were also intensely bullied in school. During the “volatile years,” I was unable to give him the intimacy he craved. When I was diagnosed with BPD, I went through DBT and CBT and recovered relatively well - or so I thought. I felt ready to be a complete partner to him, but the damage was done. He would constantly tell me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, but I would fight back, promise the moon to him, and ultimately persuade him to stay. The next time we had a conflict, the same thing would happen. He threatened to kick me out (he owned the property in which we lived), and I lived in fear of being on the street. This went on and on and on. Complicating things is that I have no self-esteem and have always felt overwhelmingly ugly. He was incredibly cruel to me sometimes, disappearing for hours on end, sometimes for days, and refusing to reply to texts. I wanted to leave a million times, but I felt I wouldn’t survive without him. I tried so hard to make it up to him and make the relationship work, but when only one person wants that, there is no future. I suffered so much guilt over the way I’d treated him and beat myself up constantly. At some point, he drifted away and started cheating on me, which I didn’t know about until we broke up. He told me that he had been seeing someone behind my back for the last seven years we were together. Our breakup was incredibly painful, and before it ended, he ratcheted up the cruelty. It was a nightmare, but I felt like I deserved the cruelty for not being a good partner. However, I made it through somehow and now live on my own with my dog and cat. I’m lonely sometimes but my life is peaceful now. After watching this video, I have no doubt that we were trauma bonded. I’m not angry at him; we were both so emotionally damaged. Instead, I’m angry at myself for wasting so many years. We got together when I was 39 and split up when I was 59. I’m 63 now and feel like it’s all over for me. I don’t think there will ever be anyone else for me because I don’t have the confidence to try. But that’s okay. Thank you for your wisdom, Anna. It helps more than you’ll ever know.
id always believe these different set of emotions are functions which can be enhanced/lessen depending upon the circumstances..negative/positive emotions alike but only applicable to healthy individuals who practiced the mechanism of the mind. the low self esteem in your case is the result in trying to pour love onto him which was not reciprocated or its already there before you met him?. any healthy conscience/mentality would never do such a case, the malicious act of treating people badly who give you love and care. healthy people have different degrees of self awareness and healthy amount of worthiness. that person you used to be with was sick in mind/spirit.. it might be a crystallized pain inside which was not addressed therefore it bleeds unto others. hes lack of depthness of emotionality has become buried within layers of numbness. i know some of us who know better are essentially tempted to try to fix and soothe those we think in need but this is a big mistake. our maternal instinct should never be worn to such scenarios or we'll get burned and become a focal point /target to those buried pain.. that frozen, complex negative energy needs an outlet/ a subject and often unconscious, meaning it doesnt have a rational eye in which to judge itself. it just wants to bleed and lash out onto those who happen to be there and listen. but why did you feel guilt if you think youre catering more for him? strange
Anna here… you’ve described so well what it’s like, how this evolves. I feel you about the years list. But 63 truly is a good time to really live, to care for your health and the space where you live, to grow your capacity for connection with others. We should have a big party for you, really, like a graduation or a sweet sixteen, for people who have emerged from the cocoon of trauma driven living. It’s a new day! A whole new set of possibilities!
Did not know such a thing exist until the recent relationship where the swing of cold abandonment and hot attention happened every few days, twisted with love bombing too. Got completely hooked and confused, until I saw videos from TH-cam and got an understanding of my CPTSD. Now I look back, I can not believe how helpless and hopeless feeling kept me stuck, and how isolated internally I was. I am still in recovery, and breaking this bond is hard. But now I believe it is doable and I will be okay finally.
Thanks Anna... you mention it's good to have friends who can point out that you aren't being treated well, but what if the partner doing the abusing/gaslighting has convinced everyone they're a great person? I lost friends this way, who probably aren't worth having if they chose not to believe me, but that made it no less painful! (FWIW I didn't leave, I was the hanger-on, but I was eventually forced out.)
I was diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia 8 years ago when I entered therapy. I found out about trauma bonds after being in a super abusive one and even getting a restraining order... ive been single almost 4 years trying to work on myself and make myself believe I deserve more. I'm entering a new relationship now, it's stable and I'm terrified I'm going to lose myself again but it also feels freeing because I was able to choose someone who treats me well. If I can do it so can you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy The thing about staying 'regulated' is........how do you know you're not just talking yourself OUT of what you FEEL that is the INTUITION needed to know they're doing wrong, and to go? Regulate......your abused feeling??........Is it making excuses, and tolerating more?
This was everything! Exactly what I've endured for over 15 years. It all makes sense now. Thank you so much Anna for being a part of my healing journey ❣️
Thanks! Whilst hearing about another person's experience can be helpful, I must say I really prefer this format of videos under 15min that goes straight to the point. I tend to get lost in the details in the ones centering around letters.
Good video. I am almost 60 yrs old. Grew up in an alcoholic parent home. Married to a covert narcissist for 15 years. I had no idea about trauma bonding. I am so glad I found this video.
I only got to 6 minutes, and then I started crying. I've been through this exact kind of repeating situation throughout my life, to the point where I thought it was normal. I prided myself on being able to take the most abuse as humanly possible, and when I tell others what I've been through, they look at me like they don't believe me or that I'm making it up, that it can't possibly happen. I keep telling them my life story, from childhood to being an adult, and I keep losing my friends when I do that because they think and say I'm making up a big fairy tale and just want sympathy and attention because there's no way all of that happened and could keep happening. Just because most of the people I know have never been through anything close to this like I have, doesn't mean it never happened to me. I'm tired of my life being erased over and over, with each time new people adding to more traumas that no one else believes. I'm sick of it all. Seeing those tears start to well up in your eyes as you describe what it was like to the chickens, breaks my heart. You have so much empathy for animals in a cage. They deserve to exist too, and not be treated as disposable things and be abused for someone else's amusement. Then there's the parallel that myself, and others that have been abused since childhood are like the chickens in that cage, and no one else cares what happens to them. They even might think it's funny, just for entertainment. I have a stray cat, that now lives in my house. I never thought I would want to own a cat, I had no desire for it. I liked dogs. As a kid my family would keep having cats, but every time I tried to pet them, they would hiss and scratched me, or bit me. I was tired of the cuts and the pain and bleeding wounds, and just thought cats weren't meant to be domesticated. Then when I had different kinds of dogs, they never treated me like that. So, I started disliking cats and was intolerant of people who owned cats. I projected the abuse from the cats onto their owners, and thought they were bad people, because they reinforced the cats' abusive treatment to humans. It took my entire adult life to finally see this stray cat, extremely scared and skittish, showing up on my doorstep, to finally develop empathy for cats. This cat seemed like a human, it was acting as if it was severely abused, and ran away or was hiding. Long story short, over the course of a few months, she learned to eat out of a bowl on my porch, to letting me pet her, to finally living in my house and learning how to use a litterbox. After she lived inside for a while, I considered her domesticated because she actually would refuse to go outside when I would force het outside or see if she wanted to go out. It took one time of seeing her drag her claws across the floor to show me, no she didn't want to be outside anymore. So, now she's strictly an inside cat. She is an extremely loving, happy cat. She licks my hands and nuzzles me with her head. She even gets hyper and starts playing with toys on her own, having fun. Just last night I laid on the couch and she jumped right on my stomach, curled up and passed out. She's actually improving my mental health too. I love her so much. Basically, I wish people would treat others and animals with a basic level of empathy, even if they don't understand them. You don't need to understand them right away. Just care. That's all you need. Traumatized people and animals aren't forever broken, so don't write them off. They are capable of having love, and probably have more empathy that most nonabused people would.
I am on the long road to discovering the complexities of my diagnosed cptsd and all it entails. What u describe in your videos is very relatable. It is a relief to know I'm not absolutely crazy but it's very overwhelming at the same time. Thankyou very much for the insight, my life and responses to it are finally starting to make sense.......
Thank you Anna. My mum got out of a domestic violent marriage 40 years ago (thankily "forced" to by the nuns at school threatened to take her 6 kids away otherwise) and now in her 80s she's gone right back into one, only not with a violent alcoholic husband but instead with her criminal heroin son. It kills us all that she is doing this to herself in the last years of her life. My heart feels like it's broken. He's exploiting her, isolating her and taking her for everything she's got (money, emotions and serenity). She's sobbing all the time but also saying she wants him there and he's not doing any harm. She's in total denial. I wish she'd had therapy to recognize things like trauma bonding and learned helplessness. I've gone no contact with the whole family because it's too much for me to be around. When I tried to help her, she said I wasn't safe at her place in case he comes back and sees me. No professionals, police, social workers, elderly abuse associations could do anything for me when I was trying to help her as long as she kept telling everyone that everything was fine, all their hands were tied. I just want her to die now so that she can be at peace from it all.
sometimes what keeps up from being fully free or coming back is reverse abandonment , parentified scapegoat children dont fear being left they would rather it but we fear leaving and the family being utterly destroyed and it being our fault for leavening the guilt i felt even as a small child in the times i tried to run away and even as a teen with the suicide attempts im not borderline i just wanted to get away and it not be my fault if i succeed in life and they fail or worst i myself have a fawn/fight style so i can protect and defend myself if need be but im good at taking care of and protecting others im great at it in fact and i have a narcissism there that i never knew and thats what my family manipulated me with aside from the fear obligation and guilt but they found my ego and played me in a way i wouldn't notice because all i ever wanted to be was a hero and to have a family but because of the abuse (ace score 10) i have a fearful avoidant attachment style and that makes it hard to trust, so knowing running isnt going to solve my issues (not a flight type) because there are just more versions of them out there and my own bullshit i will run into, i couldn't hide (not a freeze type) because im too honest not because i don't know how to lie (I've lied a hell of alot to myself that for sure) but its my normal and normal is what you know, i still have hope because there is my lost child brother hes joined me on this quest to health and freedom, and with that even though its delusional to think the rest of my family cult will become healthy, like cats if im honest with myself they always land on their feet , i do so why not them too it's just those parental feelings, instincts, impulse and values thats hard to shake or transfer to somewhere more appropriate like putting that energy into myself this family cult has been my addiction the dopamine rushes the adrenaline but too much of that just makes one a schizophrenic and psycho so to prevent that i have no choice im over the neurosis that comes with it , i dont want to go bald or end up fat or worst boring and dead inside operating like a psychopathic robot nevertheless, the reverse abandonment issues is real and needs to be spoken about, it's the real reason why most of us dont leave
I think that many of us who are abused become the most compassionate people because we are empathetic because we understand how it feels to be abused we empathize with the most vulnerable I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who like me are vegan and have been abused in their life especially sexually abused & mentally verbally and emotionally abused - Stockholm syndrome- This is why we empathize with the most vulnerable 😢 And why we are so fierce advocates for those who are abused
I had to learn the hard way that soon after becoming traumatized I must put in the mental energy to avoid oversharing about it because it could be sending the message to any narcissist who happens to be around that I am going to be a softer target. Because I didn't know and then acknowledge the truth that narcissists exist.
I think I'm guilty of this. Sometimes I shower my partner with affection and then later I will go cold and distant and even be very critical of them if I feel hurt or rejected. I think its because I'm a highly sensitive person and my emotions really influence how I act. I'm working on getting a handle on my emotions so I don't mistreat the important people in my life
I was trauma bonded with my husband. He's a narcissist. I was hooked because he was so kind at the beginning, but then he turned into a hateful manipulator. I worked for years to get the kind man back, and it never happened. Of course, I have CPTSD from my childhood. I left my husband, have been in therapy and Al-Anon, and listen to Anna. But I still simply don't know how to pick a healthy man/create a healthy relationshop. I am always drawn to men with untreated CPTSD.
This is why so many don't report abuse. They themselves don't understand why they stay with someone who hurts them but then is loving and repeats. A painful yo-yo existence.
I was turned by one of my parents against the other parent when I was about 7. I always wondered why I had all these problems relating to others. I used to say to myself how is that, I've not been tortured physically or raped or been in war and yet I behave like one that has been. Now I understand.
I was watching this in tears. I grew up with a cold and narcissistic mother, whom as a sensitive and empathic boy craved for her warmth and acceptance. I carried this pattern well into adulthood and eventually ended up marrying the exact same type. Unfortunately, even now at 47 after recovering from a brutal divorce I still find myself giving 1000% of myself to those who will only return empty promises. These wounds run deep, and tend to sculpt the narrative of your life.
He knew lying was a dealbreaker so I ended the engagement when he lied. I feel sad and I don’t feel safe. I’m isolated and I can’t get back out as Covid is not helping matters. I used to be a very dynamic woman. Narcissists use your love for them against you. I have 2° in communication & so what...this guy appeared like the nicest guy ever... it’s so insidious what he did...Pretty terrifying that I can be fooled after all of my education and experience.
At 7:30..Being safe, accepted, and supported as a newborn infant does not automatically translate into having those things "as a kid." (which seems to portray an older child.) As kids, many of us never had any of those things, which probably led to many crappy childhoods.
I think I learned this to be love. My mother is a dismissive avoidant. i think she has social anxiety disorder as well. Anyway she had lots of children. And her pattern of showing love to me was to show love then take it away. She would praise me one minute then shame me the next. I think I learned to do that in my relationships. I did it subconsciously. Now I am learning how to stop that.
I am 100% living this right now and it is so hard. I keep telling myself I’m doe and I won’t let it happen again. The last time I begged him to please leave me alone and not do this to me again, I just lost my dad and mentally I can’t take it. He told me he loves me and then less than 24 hours later he had run cold again. I wish I could just be dome and end it but every single time he hooks me again and the same thing happens
This is so amazing! This video is a game changer for me, I feel so clear and able to understand aspects of my childhood I didn't before. I have experienced trauma bonding from my family and some relationships and I didn't even know it. I am so grateful I have come across your video! Thank you with all my heart!
Thank you for your support. I will work with my therapist on this and higher faith. Many blessings Ann Runkle. You rock. I'm glad i met you in the support community and had a chance to talk to you. Have a great Week 👍. Many blessings
I have had this going on with friends and also siblings.Felt that I had to become friendlier and more accomodating when they were rude to me.Guess I was crapfitting too much..
Thank you so much for explaining this Anna, I was worried that I was in a trauma bond with my partner as we have both suffered similar abuse when we were children but now I can relax as we have a good relationship based on friendship and mutual support.
Where your abuser Is also your rescuer Whether by objective power imbalance Or subjective behaviour Stockholm Syndrome: Where greater chance for survival is achieved By being loyal to the abuser
(Verse) In the chasm of my mind, the memories reside, Trauma bonds linger, refusing to subside, Though the abuse was long ago, it still holds me tight, I can't escape the thoughts, they haunt me day and night. The urge to reach out, to try again, it's so strong, But deep down I know it's all so very wrong, The wounds may have healed, but the scars remain, Urgency consumes me, driving me insane. (Chorus) Oh, these trauma bonds, they won't let me go, They keep me trapped in a never-ending show, But I must break free, find the strength to move on, No longer a victim, my spirit will be strong. (Verse) The echoes of their words, they play on repeat, A constant reminder of the pain so deep, But I won't let it define me, I won't be confined, I'll rise above the darkness, leave it all behind. The urgency within, it's a battle I must fight, To resist the temptation, to make things right, For my own sanity, I must learn to let go, Break these trauma bonds, and finally grow. (Chorus) (Bridge) No more second chances, no more looking back, I'll reclaim my power, get back on track, The urgency may linger, but I'll stand tall, No longer a prisoner, I'll rise above it all. (Chorus) (Outro) Trauma bonds may linger, but I'll break the chains, I'll find my peace, and let go of the pain, Urgency may taunt me, but I'll find my way, To a brighter future, where I'll finally stay.
It was super loving, then criticizing and raging. So much raging that she hurt her vocal chords and needed treatment. She would always tell me my feelings were wrong to have and I’d never have a partner because I’m too “whatever”. Now I have an abusive marriage.
Authoritarian abusive addicted parents are the worst. This dynamic can be repeated in adult relationships Attachment styles Imprinting. Understanding your own psychology and personal development, introspection a d focusing on the healing journey. Only you can change yourself. Psychotherapy with a trauma focused mental health professional. Safety planning is essential when leaving pathological relationships. There are many support organizations.
That chicken story was traumatizing itself. I felt that. Now I’m sad for the chickens😞 Funny thing is, I’m not sad for myself. Even tho I have someone even now pushing coins into the slot so I’d “dance”. Poor guy doesn’t know... the machine is broken. And I’m happy for that.
I’m so curious about how this affected me as a result of my relationship with my mom. She worked abroad and never kept promises. She let me down and showered me with material things but I always rejected them and felt bad for doing so. My partner does the same. He makes a promise, let’s me down and offers me gifts to make up for it or showers me with with love. I know I can’t change my mom but I just don’t know if I want to stay in a relationship with my partner cause he knows how deep his actions hurt me but I just feel like he doesn’t care. He went through the same thing with entrepreneur parents. I hate that I’m so understanding
Hi I just found your videos today and, I've been binge watching them. I actually minored in psychology and have read dozens of relationship books yet, you have given me more insight than all that combined; so thank you. My question is actually about your products for healing. Do you have any videos talking about them?
Are there really people who study trauma bonds so they can create them with people? Who knowingly, maliciously use these tactics to manipulate others? I think I had a situation with someone who may have done this to me, but it's hard to wrap my head around someone actually intentionally and knowingly does this to other people.
My significant other and I have both been through trauma, but theirs is way more than mine. They have experienced trauma bonds with friendships and might be. Due to their trauma and other reasons, they actually still live at home, so they are often around the mother who was and still is hot-and-cold. Thankfully, our actual relationship is not a trauma bond, based on how I interpret what has been said in this video. Much of our relationship is about us both venting to each other, which I have mixed feelings about.
May I share my version of trauma bond (no cptsd, never abused, just emotionally neglected) is being in relationships or wanting someone who ignores or neglects me emotionally. Unless someone can think of a different word for what I did. It was traumatizing and painful for many years to be pushed away or ignored by men I loved or wanted. I kept trying to understand why I did that. I never felt that for my parents.
@@Alphacentauri819 Great question! The emotional depth part was missing in my childhood, and is for almost all people I believe. I like to point out that even children who felt loved, who came from stable homes without any addiction or violence, suffer from these things. Feel free to stop by my channel.
@@Alphacentauri819 Oh that is so helpful. I figured they were related. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it w the books and videos on trauma. Thank you so much!
@@Alphacentauri819 where did you learn this? Any videos or books that I can take a look at? Thank you for your detailed insights! Edit: whoops never mind you already referenced them!
@@northofyou33 Thank you. I appreciate you stating what maybe I am not acknowledging. It's hard for me to feel that especially because I don't have any symptoms of trauma. I am 60 and content w my life. Yet there's some reason I keep looking for some answers.
Hmmm? I don't think I have any "normal"relationships. None romantic, that is. Whenever I confine in one friend that someone else's treatment of me is making me uncomfortable or wary the confidant will walk me through the uncomfortable friend's backstory to help me see how much they need compassion and understanding.
Anna, I know you don’t mean to but you assume we have friends. Some of us have no one to call. Or even if we’ve got lots of phone numbers, some of us can’t bring ourselves to call anyone anymore. I need help breaking out of this isolation.
And is there a difference in hoping to not have to go no contact with someone, like parents or extended family you don't live with, and setting a firm boundary on something, hoping they learn?
Wow… I’m actually glad he broke up with me. It broke the “spell” Felt like my world turned upside down until God lead me here. The release in my nerve system is so peaceful since finding confirmation as I knew I wasn’t bpd or narcissistic to know my brain is the cause sending wrong signals to my nerve system explains n reassured me. I’m ready to finally live
I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents and my wife was emotionally abused by her mother , which resulted in both of us being trauma bonded. I am looking for your opinion on what we should do as we have 4 children and I am uncertain as to what to do.
what if traumatised people read into relationships too much and think of themselves as trauma bonded when they are not? this could potentially create trauma in the other person.
@@Alphacentauri819 Now you are trying to sell me something -- a belief in the value of your life project. The unconscious is unfalsifiable, and so using it as an argument, being a human yourself, is a selfreferring inconsistency. I dont mind therapists as an occupation -- I am using one -- but when a youtuber is trying to make you pay them with your time and attention, thats when I know I am dealing with a preacher.
@@Alphacentauri819 I wish humanity well. When I see things worth being sceptical about, I say so on behalf of all of us. You dont wish me well, you wish to not engage in argument with someone that you cant win an argument against because your beliefs cant be argued for. This might be fine, but when it creates situations where relationships are ruined because some youtuber is enabling people, give them false sense of security about things they really should be taking responsibility for themselves ... then yes, maybe its time to point out.
@@Alphacentauri819 * ghosted * :D ... this is the culture of narcissism ... fed on internet algorithms that cater to all the things you allready want to hear. swipe left. :P
What do you do when you feel yourself falling into a seesaw of who is the aggressor and receiver? My partner and I have trauma we suffered before and together that is severe and currently I'm the one being the most aggressive but I am so so remorseful after and greatful that she and my other partner is not accepting apologies as much. Action is needed but I feel unable to afford therapy for my possible cpts, which isn't an excuse for my reactions. I want to be better but feel stuck.
As a complex PTSD sufferer and dissolving a trauma bonding relationship, what are the particular phases we may go though in this particular combination??
I had two parents who abused me differently one sexually one verbally and emotionally it’s ruined my life and all my romantic relationships I’ve tried to rise above it all my life and I’m still trying.. I just want a normal life And I want to be happy 😢
That sounds hard! You’re in the right place. If you haven't already, try Anna's free Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Also, if you're interested, try Anna's "Dating & Relationships For People With Childhood PTSD" course. It provides tools that can help you start a healthy, happy romantic relationship. Nika@TeamFairy
How do you know whether they are the hot & cold person, or whether you are the hot & cold person? I have a really hard time knowing. My ex said that I was a cold and callous person, and that I was hard to emotionally connect with.
Is this why I feel like a have borderline, because as an autistic I don't understand what's happening and then read about my feelings, but it's not my fault? My mum and dad ate narssistix, my brother died and I was mested
I'm sorry about the family issues and pain you've endured. Is it possible to get counselling? Since the pandemic, some therapists offer free sessions by phone, text or Zoom. Typically, they're available from crisis centres or funded by the city.
I run a small sanctuary for chickens. They are all rescues from abusive situations. Some of them come from the industry and some from bad back yard situations. The story about the chickens getting shocked like that broke my heart. I'm sitting here crying. My chickens follow me where ever I go. They bicker about who's to sit in my lap and get pets. They cry when I leave them and many will wait by the door like a dog until I get back when I close a door between us. When I sing to them, they'll all come and gather around me. Chickens are so emotional, so smart, so loving given a chance to feel safe and loved and they are so gravely underestimated and horribly abused in society. I wish everyone could see what I'm seeing in my chickens. I've always had a deep connection with animals and always had dogs and cats before, ever since childhood. But dogs and cats have nothing on these chickens in their capacity to love, feel pain, be scared, feel safe, suffer and enjoy life. I wish people would stop abusing them... :'(
Thank you 🙏
I'm in tears. And so touched by how you described chickens. I noticed that if someone who I love and feel safe with leaves, I'd get anxious and panicky till there's some kind of contact (text, call or face to face) again. It seems to me that I'm waiting for being love and feel safe my whole life. On another note, we had quite a few chicken while growing up and liked to stay with them. The sound they make soothe me. Even the other day, I was passing by a very small public animal sanctuary with all sorts of ducks, sheep, and chicken. I stopped and were so touched how the chicken were just so innocently and openly running toward me. Thanks so much for your comment Nina.
This is so so beautiful ❤
It’s time to start a youtube channel showing your chickens and how they are, if your heart wants to of course, it would bring so much awareness of how chicken are so sensitive and smart, i would love to see it😝💗
❤
Trauma bonding is how many people were raised. Parentification. Stockholm Syndrome...is what our lives were...and are.
This sounds exactly like love bombing. The person gives you tremendous amount of affection, care, they open doors for you, compliment you, tell you the most loving and compassionate things. That person takes time to listen, to hear you, to understand you and then a few months down the line all of a sudden that same person switches their personality.., from jackal to hyde without a warning. It leaves you questioning your sanity.
Great video, I was in a beautiful marriage before my now ex wife left me,i still love her and most times i cant stop thinking about her, i am doing my very best to get rid of the thought of her, but i just cant, i love her so much, i dont know why i am bring this here for, i cant stop thinking about her
@jay pritchett wow, how did you get a spiritual adviser, and how do i reach her?
@jay pritchett Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive.
Something that helped me was, get a feeling chart, get a few different ones and write down all of the horrible feelings you felt when they were emotionally abusing you. Do it for a few days/weeks. It will become a very large list. Just keep looking at it because that’s what you be getting if you go back
I've never heard of a feeling chart.
The chart or a feelings journal is helpful. A record.
Great idea because we can justify so much after the fact.
Trauma Bond. Intermittent reinforcement. Affection alternated with cruel or poor behaviour. This has the power to hook your mind. This is a destructive dynamic, it keeps you hooked onto the destructive relationship. Trauma Bond is a groove that forms in your psyche. They are sorry but never extra. sorry. When the kid grows up they develop love addiction, a high tolerance for abusive relationships, an inability to leave abusive partners, and unavailable people.
33 years of this. Freedom rocks, and better late than never.
Absolutely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So sad how this vicious circle works: deprivation of love creates a bigger need for love and every time we end up heartbroken and even more traumatized. Your tough love, Anna, is a trigger but a very useful one. It's tough but true, thank you for giving a name to these hard feelings, love & greetings from Greece
Wow, Anna. I’ve heard this term before, but I guess I didn’t understand its true meaning. This video resonates SO strongly for me, and I feel an overwhelming need to share my story; maybe it will help someone else in a similar situation. I do apologize for the long comment.
I was in a 20-year relationship with someone who - seemingly - fell head over heels for me. (I’ve heard it referred to as “love bombing” before.) Due to my CPTSD and BPD, which I didn’t realize I had, our relationship was extremely volatile. We both had alcoholic parents - his mom, my dad - and suffered abandonment (emotional for me, both physical and emotional for him). Both of us were also intensely bullied in school. During the “volatile years,” I was unable to give him the intimacy he craved.
When I was diagnosed with BPD, I went through DBT and CBT and recovered relatively well
- or so I thought. I felt ready to be a complete partner to him, but the damage was done. He would constantly tell me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, but I would fight back, promise the moon to him, and ultimately persuade him to stay. The next time we had a conflict, the same thing would happen. He threatened to kick me out (he owned the property in which we lived), and I lived in fear of being on the street. This went on and on and on.
Complicating things is that I have no self-esteem and have always felt overwhelmingly ugly. He was incredibly cruel to me sometimes, disappearing for hours on end, sometimes for days, and refusing to reply to texts. I wanted to leave a million times, but I felt I wouldn’t survive without him. I tried so hard to make it up to him and make the relationship work, but when only one person wants that, there is no future. I suffered so much guilt over the way I’d treated him and beat myself up constantly.
At some point, he drifted away and started cheating on me, which I didn’t know about until we broke up. He told me that he had been seeing someone behind my back for the last seven years we were together. Our breakup was incredibly painful, and before it ended, he ratcheted up the cruelty. It was a nightmare, but I felt like I deserved the cruelty for not being a good partner.
However, I made it through somehow and now live on my own with my dog and cat. I’m lonely sometimes but my life is peaceful now. After watching this video, I have no doubt that we were trauma bonded.
I’m not angry at him; we were both so emotionally damaged. Instead, I’m angry at myself for wasting so many years. We got together when I was 39 and split up when I was 59. I’m 63 now and feel like it’s all over for me. I don’t think there will ever be anyone else for me because I don’t have the confidence to try. But that’s okay.
Thank you for your wisdom, Anna. It helps more than you’ll ever know.
I'm so glad you're out of that situation now! That sounds like it was not healthy for either of you.
@@anniepark6694 Thank you, Annie. ❤️
id always believe these different set of emotions are functions which can be enhanced/lessen depending upon the circumstances..negative/positive emotions alike but only applicable to healthy individuals who practiced the mechanism of the mind.
the low self esteem in your case is the result in trying to pour love onto him which was not reciprocated or its already there before you met him?. any healthy conscience/mentality would never do such a case, the malicious act of treating people badly who give you love and care.
healthy people have different degrees of self awareness and healthy amount of worthiness.
that person you used to be with was sick in mind/spirit.. it might be a crystallized pain inside which was not addressed therefore it bleeds unto others.
hes lack of depthness of emotionality has become buried within layers of numbness.
i know some of us who know better are essentially tempted to try to fix and soothe those we think in need but this is a big mistake. our maternal instinct should never be worn to such scenarios or we'll get burned and become a focal point /target to those buried pain.. that frozen, complex negative energy needs an outlet/ a subject and often unconscious, meaning it doesnt have a rational eye in which to judge itself. it just wants to bleed and lash out onto those who happen to be there and listen.
but why did you feel guilt if you think youre catering more for him? strange
Thanks for sharing, glad you're safe!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna here… you’ve described so well what it’s like, how this evolves. I feel you about the years list. But 63 truly is a good time to really live, to care for your health and the space where you live, to grow your capacity for connection with others. We should have a big party for you, really, like a graduation or a sweet sixteen, for people who have emerged from the cocoon of trauma driven living. It’s a new day! A whole new set of possibilities!
Sounds like a strategy they use in the military in basic training as well to break you down as well.
Did not know such a thing exist until the recent relationship where the swing of cold abandonment and hot attention happened every few days, twisted with love bombing too. Got completely hooked and confused, until I saw videos from TH-cam and got an understanding of my CPTSD. Now I look back, I can not believe how helpless and hopeless feeling kept me stuck, and how isolated internally I was. I am still in recovery, and breaking this bond is hard. But now I believe it is doable and I will be okay finally.
Same is with me... How to recover?
Thanks Anna... you mention it's good to have friends who can point out that you aren't being treated well, but what if the partner doing the abusing/gaslighting has convinced everyone they're a great person? I lost friends this way, who probably aren't worth having if they chose not to believe me, but that made it no less painful! (FWIW I didn't leave, I was the hanger-on, but I was eventually forced out.)
I can relate. I'm going through the same thing.
So true, it is a groove in the psyche. A well worn groove in the psyche.
I was diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, and panic disorder with agoraphobia 8 years ago when I entered therapy. I found out about trauma bonds after being in a super abusive one and even getting a restraining order... ive been single almost 4 years trying to work on myself and make myself believe I deserve more. I'm entering a new relationship now, it's stable and I'm terrified I'm going to lose myself again but it also feels freeing because I was able to choose someone who treats me well. If I can do it so can you!
Stay regulated, that's the trick!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy The thing about staying 'regulated' is........how do you know you're not just talking yourself OUT of what you FEEL that is the INTUITION needed to know they're doing wrong, and to go? Regulate......your abused feeling??........Is it making excuses, and tolerating more?
This was everything! Exactly what I've endured for over 15 years. It all makes sense now. Thank you so much Anna for being a part of my healing journey ❣️
Me too
Thanks! Whilst hearing about another person's experience can be helpful, I must say I really prefer this format of videos under 15min that goes straight to the point. I tend to get lost in the details in the ones centering around letters.
One video a week is always a topic :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I like both ways. Letter way is easier for me to see real life examples.
I am so very thankful for you and your channel! ❤️🙏🏼🇨🇦
Good video. I am almost 60 yrs old. Grew up in an alcoholic parent home. Married to a covert narcissist for 15 years. I had no idea about trauma bonding. I am so glad I found this video.
💛
This explains why I stayed in my public school teaching job far too long
I only got to 6 minutes, and then I started crying. I've been through this exact kind of repeating situation throughout my life, to the point where I thought it was normal. I prided myself on being able to take the most abuse as humanly possible, and when I tell others what I've been through, they look at me like they don't believe me or that I'm making it up, that it can't possibly happen. I keep telling them my life story, from childhood to being an adult, and I keep losing my friends when I do that because they think and say I'm making up a big fairy tale and just want sympathy and attention because there's no way all of that happened and could keep happening. Just because most of the people I know have never been through anything close to this like I have, doesn't mean it never happened to me. I'm tired of my life being erased over and over, with each time new people adding to more traumas that no one else believes. I'm sick of it all.
Seeing those tears start to well up in your eyes as you describe what it was like to the chickens, breaks my heart. You have so much empathy for animals in a cage. They deserve to exist too, and not be treated as disposable things and be abused for someone else's amusement. Then there's the parallel that myself, and others that have been abused since childhood are like the chickens in that cage, and no one else cares what happens to them. They even might think it's funny, just for entertainment.
I have a stray cat, that now lives in my house. I never thought I would want to own a cat, I had no desire for it. I liked dogs. As a kid my family would keep having cats, but every time I tried to pet them, they would hiss and scratched me, or bit me. I was tired of the cuts and the pain and bleeding wounds, and just thought cats weren't meant to be domesticated. Then when I had different kinds of dogs, they never treated me like that. So, I started disliking cats and was intolerant of people who owned cats. I projected the abuse from the cats onto their owners, and thought they were bad people, because they reinforced the cats' abusive treatment to humans.
It took my entire adult life to finally see this stray cat, extremely scared and skittish, showing up on my doorstep, to finally develop empathy for cats. This cat seemed like a human, it was acting as if it was severely abused, and ran away or was hiding. Long story short, over the course of a few months, she learned to eat out of a bowl on my porch, to letting me pet her, to finally living in my house and learning how to use a litterbox. After she lived inside for a while, I considered her domesticated because she actually would refuse to go outside when I would force het outside or see if she wanted to go out. It took one time of seeing her drag her claws across the floor to show me, no she didn't want to be outside anymore. So, now she's strictly an inside cat. She is an extremely loving, happy cat. She licks my hands and nuzzles me with her head. She even gets hyper and starts playing with toys on her own, having fun. Just last night I laid on the couch and she jumped right on my stomach, curled up and passed out. She's actually improving my mental health too. I love her so much.
Basically, I wish people would treat others and animals with a basic level of empathy, even if they don't understand them. You don't need to understand them right away. Just care. That's all you need. Traumatized people and animals aren't forever broken, so don't write them off. They are capable of having love, and probably have more empathy that most nonabused people would.
Everything you said = Me.
I’m horrified about the poor chickens being tortured in their cages with an electrical current. Oh.My.Gosh. 😩😖😭
Luckily it was a very long time ago...
It’s not, animals are still horrifically abused everyday. if you eat animals you abuse them. Period
I am on the long road to discovering the complexities of my diagnosed cptsd and all it entails. What u describe in your videos is very relatable. It is a relief to know I'm not absolutely crazy but it's very overwhelming at the same time. Thankyou very much for the insight, my life and responses to it are finally starting to make sense.......
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you Anna. My mum got out of a domestic violent marriage 40 years ago (thankily "forced" to by the nuns at school threatened to take her 6 kids away otherwise) and now in her 80s she's gone right back into one, only not with a violent alcoholic husband but instead with her criminal heroin son. It kills us all that she is doing this to herself in the last years of her life. My heart feels like it's broken. He's exploiting her, isolating her and taking her for everything she's got (money, emotions and serenity). She's sobbing all the time but also saying she wants him there and he's not doing any harm. She's in total denial. I wish she'd had therapy to recognize things like trauma bonding and learned helplessness. I've gone no contact with the whole family because it's too much for me to be around. When I tried to help her, she said I wasn't safe at her place in case he comes back and sees me. No professionals, police, social workers, elderly abuse associations could do anything for me when I was trying to help her as long as she kept telling everyone that everything was fine, all their hands were tied. I just want her to die now so that she can be at peace from it all.
sometimes what keeps up from being fully free or coming back is reverse abandonment , parentified scapegoat children dont fear being left they would rather it but we fear leaving and the family being utterly destroyed and it being our fault for leavening the guilt i felt even as a small child in the times i tried to run away and even as a teen with the suicide attempts im not borderline i just wanted to get away and it not be my fault if i succeed in life and they fail or worst
i myself have a fawn/fight style so i can protect and defend myself if need be but im good at taking care of and protecting others im great at it in fact and i have a narcissism there that i never knew and thats what my family manipulated me with aside from the fear obligation and guilt but they found my ego and played me in a way i wouldn't notice because all i ever wanted to be was a hero and to have a family
but because of the abuse (ace score 10) i have a fearful avoidant attachment style and that makes it hard to trust, so knowing running isnt going to solve my issues (not a flight type) because there are just more versions of them out there and my own bullshit i will run into, i couldn't hide (not a freeze type) because im too honest not because i don't know how to lie
(I've lied a hell of alot to myself that for sure) but its my normal and normal is what you know, i still have hope because there is my lost child brother
hes joined me on this quest to health and freedom, and with that even though its delusional to think the rest of my family cult will become healthy, like cats if im honest with myself they always land on their feet , i do so why not them too
it's just those parental feelings, instincts, impulse and values thats hard to shake or transfer to somewhere more appropriate like putting that energy into myself
this family cult has been my addiction the dopamine rushes the adrenaline but too much of that just makes one a schizophrenic and psycho so to prevent that i have no choice im over the neurosis that comes with it , i dont want to go bald or end up fat or worst boring and dead inside operating like a psychopathic robot
nevertheless, the reverse abandonment issues is real and needs to be spoken about, it's the real reason why most of us dont leave
Thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think that many of us who are abused become the most compassionate people because we are empathetic because we understand how it feels to be abused we empathize with the most vulnerable
I can’t tell you how many people I’ve met who like me are vegan and have been abused in their life especially sexually abused & mentally verbally and emotionally abused -
Stockholm syndrome-
This is why we empathize with the most vulnerable 😢
And why we are so fierce advocates for those who are abused
I had to learn the hard way that soon after becoming traumatized I must put in the mental energy to avoid oversharing about it because it could be sending the message to any narcissist who happens to be around that I am going to be a softer target. Because I didn't know and then acknowledge the truth that narcissists exist.
I think I'm guilty of this. Sometimes I shower my partner with affection and then later I will go cold and distant and even be very critical of them if I feel hurt or rejected. I think its because I'm a highly sensitive person and my emotions really influence how I act. I'm working on getting a handle on my emotions so I don't mistreat the important people in my life
Great insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was trauma bonded with my husband. He's a narcissist. I was hooked because he was so kind at the beginning, but then he turned into a hateful manipulator. I worked for years to get the kind man back, and it never happened. Of course, I have CPTSD from my childhood. I left my husband, have been in therapy and Al-Anon, and listen to Anna. But I still simply don't know how to pick a healthy man/create a healthy relationshop. I am always drawn to men with untreated CPTSD.
We have courses just for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
0:07, ohh, that is what i thought too.
This is why so many don't report abuse. They themselves don't understand why they stay with someone who hurts them but then is loving and repeats. A painful yo-yo existence.
I was turned by one of my parents against the other parent when I was about 7. I always wondered why I had all these problems relating to others. I used to say to myself how is that, I've not been tortured physically or raped or been in war and yet I behave like one that has been. Now I understand.
I was watching this in tears. I grew up with a cold and narcissistic mother, whom as a sensitive and empathic boy craved for her warmth and acceptance. I carried this pattern well into adulthood and eventually ended up marrying the exact same type. Unfortunately, even now at 47 after recovering from a brutal divorce I still find myself giving 1000% of myself to those who will only return empty promises. These wounds run deep, and tend to sculpt the narrative of your life.
I'm so sorry to hear that. We completely understand this tendency, I'm so glad you found the channel. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you Calista
He knew lying was a dealbreaker so I ended the engagement when he lied. I feel sad and I don’t feel safe. I’m isolated and I can’t get back out as Covid is not helping matters. I used to be a very dynamic woman. Narcissists use your love for them against you. I have 2° in communication & so what...this guy appeared like the nicest guy ever... it’s so insidious what he did...Pretty terrifying that I can be fooled after all of my education and experience.
They are master manipulators. Are you educated now?
Stockholm syndrome.
With my parents.
At 7:30..Being safe, accepted, and supported as a newborn infant does not automatically translate into having those things "as a kid." (which seems to portray an older child.) As kids, many of us never had any of those things, which probably led to many crappy childhoods.
I am so grateful that I found this amazing channel! Thank you!
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I think I learned this to be love. My mother is a dismissive avoidant. i think she has social anxiety disorder as well. Anyway she had lots of children. And her pattern of showing love to me was to show love then take it away. She would praise me one minute then shame me the next. I think I learned to do that in my relationships. I did it subconsciously. Now I am learning how to stop that.
I am 100% living this right now and it is so hard. I keep telling myself I’m doe and I won’t let it happen again. The last time I begged him to please leave me alone and not do this to me again, I just lost my dad and mentally I can’t take it. He told me he loves me and then less than 24 hours later he had run cold again. I wish I could just be dome and end it but every single time he hooks me
again and the same thing happens
We have resources for you, check out the website :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Block him and seek the support of friends
Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team!
This is so amazing! This video is a game changer for me, I feel so clear and able to understand aspects of my childhood I didn't before. I have experienced trauma bonding from my family and some relationships and I didn't even know it. I am so grateful I have come across your video! Thank you with all my heart!
I'm so glad it helped you out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Been there and done that many times. Glad to say it is finally over...
Crumbs for sure. Ty for your perspective!
Thank you Ann Runkle for all you do. Need to work on this. This happened to me many times. Have a great day.
You can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for your support. I will work with my therapist on this and higher faith. Many blessings Ann Runkle. You rock. I'm glad i met you in the support community and had a chance to talk to you. Have a great Week 👍. Many blessings
I have had this going on with friends and also siblings.Felt that I had to become friendlier and more accomodating when they were rude to me.Guess I was crapfitting too much..
This is help me with a trauma bond friendship. I know it’s about romantic relationship but I got something out of it for my situation
Glad that you found it useful :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you so much for explaining this Anna, I was worried that I was in a trauma bond with my partner as we have both suffered similar abuse when we were children but now I can relax as we have a good relationship based on friendship and mutual support.
I've been in both side of this. It's awful. And this is a great explanation. Thank you 🙏 ☺
Your videos are the very best.
Where your abuser
Is also your rescuer
Whether by objective power imbalance
Or subjective behaviour
Stockholm Syndrome:
Where greater chance for survival is achieved
By being loyal to the abuser
Thank you Ann Runkle for this. 😊 - Feb
(Verse)
In the chasm of my mind, the memories reside,
Trauma bonds linger, refusing to subside,
Though the abuse was long ago, it still holds me tight,
I can't escape the thoughts, they haunt me day and night.
The urge to reach out, to try again, it's so strong,
But deep down I know it's all so very wrong,
The wounds may have healed, but the scars remain,
Urgency consumes me, driving me insane.
(Chorus)
Oh, these trauma bonds, they won't let me go,
They keep me trapped in a never-ending show,
But I must break free, find the strength to move on,
No longer a victim, my spirit will be strong.
(Verse)
The echoes of their words, they play on repeat,
A constant reminder of the pain so deep,
But I won't let it define me, I won't be confined,
I'll rise above the darkness, leave it all behind.
The urgency within, it's a battle I must fight,
To resist the temptation, to make things right,
For my own sanity, I must learn to let go,
Break these trauma bonds, and finally grow.
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
No more second chances, no more looking back,
I'll reclaim my power, get back on track,
The urgency may linger, but I'll stand tall,
No longer a prisoner, I'll rise above it all.
(Chorus)
(Outro)
Trauma bonds may linger, but I'll break the chains,
I'll find my peace, and let go of the pain,
Urgency may taunt me, but I'll find my way,
To a brighter future, where I'll finally stay.
It was super loving, then criticizing and raging. So much raging that she hurt her vocal chords and needed treatment. She would always tell me my feelings were wrong to have and I’d never have a partner because I’m too “whatever”. Now I have an abusive marriage.
Authoritarian abusive addicted parents are the worst. This dynamic can be repeated in adult relationships Attachment styles
Imprinting. Understanding your own psychology and personal development, introspection a d focusing on the healing journey. Only you can change yourself.
Psychotherapy with a trauma focused mental health professional.
Safety planning is essential when leaving pathological relationships. There are many support organizations.
Excellent description of a trauma bond and the nuances that go on!
Much love from Nova Scotia!
Love you too Noca Scotia!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Two victims finding each other
That chicken story was traumatizing itself. I felt that. Now I’m sad for the chickens😞 Funny thing is, I’m not sad for myself. Even tho I have someone even now pushing coins into the slot so I’d “dance”. Poor guy doesn’t know... the machine is broken. And I’m happy for that.
a year later, i’m still trauma bonded because I havent really done the work
You can start anytime :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yup that's the one. Alcoholic mother with the mega sorry.
Thank you.
This was a wonderful explanation, thank you! 😊
I’m so curious about how this affected me as a result of my relationship with my mom. She worked abroad and never kept promises. She let me down and showered me with material things but I always rejected them and felt bad for doing so.
My partner does the same. He makes a promise, let’s me down and offers me gifts to make up for it or showers me with with love.
I know I can’t change my mom but I just don’t know if I want to stay in a relationship with my partner cause he knows how deep his actions hurt me but I just feel like he doesn’t care. He went through the same thing with entrepreneur parents. I hate that I’m so understanding
often stay cuz of familiarity
watched
Thank you so much for this video! I can relate to every single word you said!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you fairy 🧚♀️
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Excellent video 👍
Thanks!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi I just found your videos today and, I've been binge watching them. I actually minored in psychology and have read dozens of relationship books yet, you have given me more insight than all that combined; so thank you.
My question is actually about your products for healing. Do you have any videos talking about them?
Free video here: bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
This could happen if the parent is a workaholic too.. I think this may have happened to my friend that was murdered 8 years ago...
Are there really people who study trauma bonds so they can create them with people? Who knowingly, maliciously use these tactics to manipulate others? I think I had a situation with someone who may have done this to me, but it's hard to wrap my head around someone actually intentionally and knowingly does this to other people.
Unlikely that it goes down like that.
-Cara@TeamFairy
What's the difference between trauma bonding and stockholm syndrome?
My significant other and I have both been through trauma, but theirs is way more than mine. They have experienced trauma bonds with friendships and might be. Due to their trauma and other reasons, they actually still live at home, so they are often around the mother who was and still is hot-and-cold. Thankfully, our actual relationship is not a trauma bond, based on how I interpret what has been said in this video. Much of our relationship is about us both venting to each other, which I have mixed feelings about.
Oh yeah!!!
I believe my dear female friend that was murdered by her fiance 8 years ago was Trauma Bonding..... 😭.... I'm still grieving after 8 years...
May I share my version of trauma bond (no cptsd, never abused, just emotionally neglected) is being in relationships or wanting someone who ignores or neglects me emotionally. Unless someone can think of a different word for what I did. It was traumatizing and painful for many years to be pushed away or ignored by men I loved or wanted. I kept trying to understand why I did that. I never felt that for my parents.
@@Alphacentauri819 Great question! The emotional depth part was missing in my childhood, and is for almost all people I believe. I like to point out that even children who felt loved, who came from stable homes without any addiction or violence, suffer from these things. Feel free to stop by my channel.
@@Alphacentauri819 Oh that is so helpful. I figured they were related. I've been trying to get to the bottom of it w the books and videos on trauma. Thank you so much!
@@schahrzadmorgan Emotional neglect of a child is traumatic for the child. Very traumatic.
@@Alphacentauri819 where did you learn this? Any videos or books that I can take a look at? Thank you for your detailed insights!
Edit: whoops never mind you already referenced them!
@@northofyou33 Thank you. I appreciate you stating what maybe I am not acknowledging.
It's hard for me to feel that especially because I don't have any symptoms of trauma. I am 60 and content w my life. Yet there's some reason I keep looking for some answers.
Shit... I had no idea... thank you.
Omg. That chickens..... 😢 So sad how we are treating non-human animals... Still today.... Slaughter... Et cetera. It's so cruel.
Ok, the chicken story just traumatized me
Hmmm? I don't think I have any "normal"relationships. None romantic, that is.
Whenever I confine in one friend that someone else's treatment of me is making me uncomfortable or wary the confidant will walk me through the uncomfortable friend's backstory to help me see how much they need compassion and understanding.
Thank you❤
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Where can I learn more about how the bond occurs in the first place?
Anna, I know you don’t mean to but you assume we have friends. Some of us have no one to call. Or even if we’ve got lots of phone numbers, some of us can’t bring ourselves to call anyone anymore. I need help breaking out of this isolation.
And is there a difference in hoping to not have to go no contact with someone, like parents or extended family you don't live with, and setting a firm boundary on something, hoping they learn?
Wow… I’m actually glad he broke up with me. It broke the “spell”
Felt like my world turned upside down until God lead me here. The release in my nerve system is so peaceful since finding confirmation as I knew I wasn’t bpd or narcissistic to know my brain is the cause sending wrong signals to my nerve system explains n reassured me. I’m ready to finally live
I was physically and emotionally abused by my parents and my wife was emotionally abused by her mother , which resulted in both of us being trauma bonded. I am looking for your opinion on what we should do as we have 4 children and I am uncertain as to what to do.
Investigate some of the resources on crappy childhood fairy- there's a lot there including a free course :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
what if traumatised people read into relationships too much and think of themselves as trauma bonded when they are not? this could potentially create trauma in the other person.
@@Alphacentauri819 Sounds like something someone could earn money off of convincing people of.
@@Alphacentauri819 Now you are trying to sell me something -- a belief in the value of your life project. The unconscious is unfalsifiable, and so using it as an argument, being a human yourself, is a selfreferring inconsistency. I dont mind therapists as an occupation -- I am using one -- but when a youtuber is trying to make you pay them with your time and attention, thats when I know I am dealing with a preacher.
@@Alphacentauri819 I wish humanity well. When I see things worth being sceptical about, I say so on behalf of all of us. You dont wish me well, you wish to not engage in argument with someone that you cant win an argument against because your beliefs cant be argued for. This might be fine, but when it creates situations where relationships are ruined because some youtuber is enabling people, give them false sense of security about things they really should be taking responsibility for themselves ... then yes, maybe its time to point out.
@@Alphacentauri819 * ghosted * :D ... this is the culture of narcissism ... fed on internet algorithms that cater to all the things you allready want to hear. swipe left. :P
Knotts Berry Farm in Buena Park California had that Chicken dancing thing
I try and try but
What do you do when you feel yourself falling into a seesaw of who is the aggressor and receiver? My partner and I have trauma we suffered before and together that is severe and currently I'm the one being the most aggressive but I am so so remorseful after and greatful that she and my other partner is not accepting apologies as much. Action is needed but I feel unable to afford therapy for my possible cpts, which isn't an excuse for my reactions. I want to be better but feel stuck.
I recommend starting with the Daily Practice - free course here bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Omg the chicken 😩😭
I know, poor chicken.
-Cara@TeamFairy
9:27
As a complex PTSD sufferer and dissolving a trauma bonding relationship, what are the particular phases we may go though in this particular combination??
I had two parents who abused me differently one sexually one verbally and emotionally it’s ruined my life and all my romantic relationships
I’ve tried to rise above it all my life and I’m still trying..
I just want a normal life
And I want to be happy 😢
That sounds hard! You’re in the right place. If you haven't already, try Anna's free Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Also, if you're interested, try Anna's "Dating & Relationships For People With Childhood PTSD" course. It provides tools that can help you start a healthy, happy romantic relationship.
Nika@TeamFairy
How do you know whether they are the hot & cold person, or whether you are the hot & cold person? I have a really hard time knowing. My ex said that I was a cold and callous person, and that I was hard to emotionally connect with.
Could be both, but all you can do is focus on you. This free course Anna created helps a lot: bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love addition has little to do with the lover, and everything to do with your own condition. Stop acting out, and heal.
Is this why I feel like a have borderline, because as an autistic I don't understand what's happening and then read about my feelings, but it's not my fault?
My mum and dad ate narssistix, my brother died and I was mested
I'm sorry about the family issues and pain you've endured. Is it possible to get counselling? Since the pandemic, some therapists offer free sessions by phone, text or Zoom. Typically, they're available from crisis centres or funded by the city.
I just mean, cptsd and autism have the same diagnostic. But, internally, could I feel like cptsd because of the push pull of the narssism?
What I want to understand is what "trauma informed" means in terms of relationship dynamics.
I think that has come to be a meaningless phrase. Anyone who has taken any workshop can claim their work is trauma informed.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you.
00.000001 effect on me because I know about that.
❤️
👍