How Narcissists "Apologize"

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  • เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 ก.ย. 2024
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  • @YoursTruly_fj
    @YoursTruly_fj ปีที่แล้ว +1618

    “Changed behavior is the only real apology. Otherwise it’s just manipulation.” Maranda Pleasant

    • @chrish9348
      @chrish9348 ปีที่แล้ว +42

      Exactly! Changed behavior shows they understand that their actions and behaviors hurt someone. They don't care, they don't have empathy so it continues over & over.

    • @goesknows
      @goesknows ปีที่แล้ว +11

      True.

    • @tupacswife4461
      @tupacswife4461 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +8

      Yup ❤

    • @alexbaker6435
      @alexbaker6435 7 หลายเดือนก่อน +19

      I tell my narcissistic ex "while I appeciate the apology, I cannot accept it or forgive you until I see a change in behavior".
      Response I get "I don't appreciate you making an assumption or dismissing me like that"...🤦‍♀️😭
      We live together, so walking away makes stuff worse.

    • @suedesignable
      @suedesignable 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

      Spot On.

  • @EtherealRis
    @EtherealRis 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +249

    “Don’t apologize for my feelings. My feelings are my own responsibility. Apologize for what you said/did.”

    • @wuzzleone
      @wuzzleone หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Sometimes a person doesn't say or do anything 🤷🏿‍♂️

    • @SerpentineWisdom
      @SerpentineWisdom หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      ​@@wuzzleone Then obviously the point of this video wouldn't apply to those circumstances and contexts youre mentioning. Would it?

    • @srodriguez721
      @srodriguez721 25 วันที่ผ่านมา

      Well said!

  • @tresboujay
    @tresboujay ปีที่แล้ว +473

    My favorite is “I’m sorry for whatever it is you think I did.”

    • @ryna03
      @ryna03 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +14

      Oh I've heard that line of BS.

    • @fortune.
      @fortune. 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I Want to Scream reading this. I want to pull my hair out one by one and scream. Commencement of the DARVO session for hours and hours and hours we thought they could try to see from our POV or dredge any self awareness.. help them understand what they did that hurt us. Turns out they know what they did. And don't care and are laughing deep down inside getting that dopamine hit like a vampire from our pain and supply. That's it! Simple truth. When he would say this, I would end up that drained dehydrated shaky heart racing mess we all know all too well.
      My heart goes out to anyone ever out through this. Really, I was driven to illness and lost myself and almost my life in his deep dark well I fell down. Do not ever go back. The "good times" never existed.
      Take care.

    • @AaronD313
      @AaronD313 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +31

      Yep my mother says “sorry IF I hurt you” no you did hurt me there’s no if

    • @shadowpuppet0312
      @shadowpuppet0312 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

      I heard that 😂

    • @JF32304
      @JF32304 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Spot on!

  • @lightiz_biekie
    @lightiz_biekie 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +192

    A narcissist apology is meaningless ❤❤

    • @AmberKlein-p6j
      @AmberKlein-p6j หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Came here to say this

    • @whythis28
      @whythis28 28 วันที่ผ่านมา +2

      My father throws out apologies like pitching at an MLB game. My only response; "I've heard that before."

    • @PamMinor-yn1xg
      @PamMinor-yn1xg 15 วันที่ผ่านมา +1

      Seems like their lives are meaningless too!

  • @bernitacenteno1326
    @bernitacenteno1326 ปีที่แล้ว +310

    Go to therapy without the narcissist, PLEASE, FOR YOURSELF ONLY.

    • @pocasanchez
      @pocasanchez 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +10

      I currently have a case worker who is 10 years younger than me and I can see her situation SO clearly from a mile away but she still can't. I'm 20 years in w a narc, she's 3 in and wants another baby so she goes back and forth about the reality of her husband being a narc. One week she hates him, the next he's an angel, and I've had to slowly introduce her to terms like trauma bonding, love bombing, grey rock, gaslighting etc. She gets 1 therapy session per month, and is using it for couples therapy but I'm working on convincing her to use it for herself bc its very obvious that she's so attached to him that she will believe him, make excuses for him etc. She had terrible parents like myself, so she was an easy target and also has no plan B. He is all she has(also her only long term relationship) and bc of that, she's completely blind to his antics and abuse. She only knows abuse and has no idea what its like to be in a healthy relationship so she just keeps tending to this broken one that's eternally dragging her down and stressing her out. Last time I saw her she was distraught and stressing about things like him getting another dui or wrecking her vehicle, him cheating again, him disappearing and ignoring her for days etc and I was just like "Listen, you could be learning right now. You could be starting a business. You could be having hobbies and friends and fun. You could be thinking about/working toward your bucket list or dream house. You could be making memories or relaxing...but you're doing none of these things bc 110% of your mental and emotional real estate is occupied by this guy and the problems he causes you."

    • @JuergenBertram-ps7sy
      @JuergenBertram-ps7sy 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      ​@@Sara_Rockafella, well, that in itself can make YOU into another narcissist, right there, you give yourself any excuse you need !

    • @Sara_Rockafella
      @Sara_Rockafella 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @JuergenBertram-ps7sy you know NOTHING and your comment makes that blatantly clear. And you make no sense. Your a negative navy. Or shall we say a narcissist.

    • @amaqueen9012
      @amaqueen9012 2 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@bernitacenteno1326 I LEARNED THAT TRUTH!!!MANY YEARS AGO

    • @jenniferhavlisch1940
      @jenniferhavlisch1940 26 วันที่ผ่านมา

      They won't show up anyway

  • @minnesotajude8447
    @minnesotajude8447 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +60

    A narc’s apology is hoovering.

  • @kimdurig1322
    @kimdurig1322 ปีที่แล้ว +246

    If they give you an apology you can believe it is meaningless

    • @theosaka69
      @theosaka69 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      OR, that you will pay for it later in some form of punishment because YOU embarrassed them and shamed them by making them apologize to you for something they did or said that was wrong! They are NEVER WRONG. 😂

    • @mirzamay
      @mirzamay 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Or you end up being their therapist listening to them for hours about the trauma of how brutal and unfair it is, and how hurt they are that you said they hurt you.

  • @shamsjacobs4771
    @shamsjacobs4771 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +8

    No apologies, no compliments, no empathy.

  • @jenjenthedragon8385
    @jenjenthedragon8385 ปีที่แล้ว +1565

    Therapy is were the narcissistic personality learns how to apologise so they can manipulate better

    • @truthseeker9355
      @truthseeker9355 ปีที่แล้ว +56

      😂 So true.

    • @sherriflemming3218
      @sherriflemming3218 ปีที่แล้ว +121

      Indeed. A sincere apology is changed behavior

    • @juliie007
      @juliie007 ปีที่แล้ว +27

      So true that’s what I realized with my toxic family

    • @JF32304
      @JF32304 ปีที่แล้ว +38

      This takes a change in mindset. Satan is the head narcissist.

    • @sherriflemming3218
      @sherriflemming3218 ปีที่แล้ว +14

      @@JF32304 Pathology always trumps normalcy.

  • @MissBColeman
    @MissBColeman 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +21

    I’ve even been told they were offended they had to apologize. Once I heard that I left them alone immediately.

  • @jnl3564
    @jnl3564 ปีที่แล้ว +164

    Ive watched them claim to be sorry, but then do the exact same thing again the next time. They have no intention of changing, their intention is to shut you up.

  • @rodentsofrandomness9203
    @rodentsofrandomness9203 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    “I’m sorry you feel that way” ❌
    “I’m sorry I made you feel that way” ✅

  • @jeffreydeeds9225
    @jeffreydeeds9225 ปีที่แล้ว +424

    Having once been married to a narcissist, my experience is that a narcissist doesn't ever need to apologize brcause they can't see themselves being wrong.

    • @JazzKeyboardist3060
      @JazzKeyboardist3060 ปีที่แล้ว +13

      You are entirely correct. My ex-narc was NEVER wrong. It was always wrong. I even asked her once if she is ever wrong. She just laughed and said "No".

    • @Christal101
      @Christal101 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      messiah complex

    • @Coco-og7zw
      @Coco-og7zw 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      @jeffrey…. You are 10,000% correct!!!

    • @Soubhanallah-p6g
      @Soubhanallah-p6g 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +13

      My dear, it is worse than you think, they do know how bad they are. They hurt you because it thrills them to see you destroyed, when they say something to make you cry or get you angry, it is on purpose, they just deny it

    • @mirzamay
      @mirzamay 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

      My favorite, they scream "it was an accident!" because accidents don't count and you are wrong for pointing out something that was clearly "an accident". But believe you me you'll apologize to them for "an accident". So will babies, dogs, and children, God and physics, followed by a 5hr looping rant lecture. It's a slow soul killer.

  • @megminor13
    @megminor13 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +7

    “I can’t help how you feel” was used a lot when I said he made me feel crazy.

  • @SpankeynMe
    @SpankeynMe ปีที่แล้ว +102

    Narcissistic people can learn the words of a real apology, but they never feel empathy or true remorse.

  • @annamadden4975
    @annamadden4975 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +11

    I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for Dr Ramani’s videos and books. I didn’t have words for what I was experiencing, now I know what I’m dealing with. In the middle of leaving a 6 year hell hole, I listen to these videos to help me keep moving forward and away to hopefully happiness.

  • @lt827
    @lt827 ปีที่แล้ว +270

    You mean how a narcissist creates the illusion of apologizing without really doing it

    • @dtanner70
      @dtanner70 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Even when they want to return it not I did you badly it just this doesn’t make me weak but I think I should come back 😮

    • @louisegarner8888
      @louisegarner8888 ปีที่แล้ว +10

      Yes, it needs to include correction. "I'm sorry, I hurt you AND I'm taking steps to ensure it'll never happen again." Evidence of corrected behaviours that demonstrate evidence of remorse that stand over the test of time are the real apology.

    • @amaqueen9012
      @amaqueen9012 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      @@lt827 THAT PART😳

  • @IzabelaWaniek-i1x
    @IzabelaWaniek-i1x 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Spot on. And once the narcissist utters the words I am sorry it equals to the slate is clean- nothing has happened, I can go on abusing you.

  • @laurainrevison1162
    @laurainrevison1162 ปีที่แล้ว +275

    Learns to manipulate not really apologize...so they learn to act in therapy...to be an actor...not a genuine person

    • @marinvidovic763
      @marinvidovic763 ปีที่แล้ว +11

      That's in fact
      WHO THEY ARE ...An Actor
      .... Not just in therapy
      ... but in LIFE !

    • @kymtarp
      @kymtarp 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

      am i narc?

  • @TheRealLarissa
    @TheRealLarissa 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

    Yep
    "I'm sorry if you thought that was hurtful."
    I've heard that one too ..

    • @Anniepat2340
      @Anniepat2340 12 วันที่ผ่านมา

      Right! Then they add “that’s not what I meant by that…..

    • @TheRealLarissa
      @TheRealLarissa 12 วันที่ผ่านมา

      @@Anniepat2340 right?

  • @leeboriack8054
    @leeboriack8054 ปีที่แล้ว +690

    Warning: narcissists use therapy to learn how to better fake and manipulate their victims.

    • @marinvidovic763
      @marinvidovic763 ปีที่แล้ว

      They use Internet , youtube chanels like this one as well... 😂 .
      You can spot them here often
      playing a VICTIM...
      while
      An evil " narcissist"
      sleeps in the K-mart parking lot
      in his car. 🎉

    • @markcollins1012
      @markcollins1012 ปีที่แล้ว

      Yes they learn fake empathy in order to manipulate.

    • @zoraidita2022
      @zoraidita2022 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      You can't manipulate a manipulator and no I am not a full blown narcissist.

    • @Queridasweet
      @Queridasweet ปีที่แล้ว +15

      ​@@zoraidita2022😂 way to reveal yourself.

    • @zoraidita2022
      @zoraidita2022 ปีที่แล้ว

      @@Queridasweet 😉

  • @melissaraymond8235
    @melissaraymond8235 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +10

    It’s sooo true! They can’t even fathom that they could be in the wrong, ever. Apologies don’t exist in a narcissist world, because they can’t empathize or humble themselves enough to know that they did something wrong.

  • @dulce1309
    @dulce1309 ปีที่แล้ว +504

    I’d rather they don’t learn so I can easily identify them

    • @Leelee-op7vj
      @Leelee-op7vj ปีที่แล้ว +25

      Good one. There's no hope for them. They think there's nothing wrong with them on the outside but inside they are screamingly insecure. Even saying "I apologize" is not an apology.

    • @randomelvis3359
      @randomelvis3359 ปีที่แล้ว +6

      Perfect answer.

    • @Tarotcooks
      @Tarotcooks ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Clever 👍

    • @Leelee-op7vj
      @Leelee-op7vj ปีที่แล้ว +5

      @@Tarotcooks True cuz you can't change an elephant to a giraffe. Or any other analogy that is downright impossible.

    • @Tarotcooks
      @Tarotcooks ปีที่แล้ว +1

      @@Leelee-op7vj 😄👍

  • @janberger4057
    @janberger4057 ปีที่แล้ว +28

    Short answer: Narcissist DON'T apologize. They go to couples therapy to learn how to REFINE their Narcissisim and charm the therapist.

  • @gracegwozdz8185
    @gracegwozdz8185 ปีที่แล้ว +90

    Some narcs never allow this conversation to even occur. They don't hear you! They only emit, never receive.

  • @kerriann04
    @kerriann04 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    As someone who grew up feeling like I had to apologize for everything because everything was always my fault, learning to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" has helped me heal in that regard. I've learned to make it known that if I'm being unjustly blamed for something, it's not my problem or my weight to bear anymore. I do still apologize for my own mistakes, though. I've just realized that other people's toxic issues are not my fault or my responsibility to fix.

    • @Freespiritedqueen
      @Freespiritedqueen 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      Exactly, grew up same and having to deal with an ex, going no contact will seal the deal for all time!

    • @helenloughrey7660
      @helenloughrey7660 หลายเดือนก่อน

      I agree there are times when that phrase is appropriate.

    • @realtyler9119
      @realtyler9119 27 วันที่ผ่านมา +2

      Geez. If you didn’t do anything then there’s no need to apologize. There’s never a time and place for “I'm sorry you feel that way”.

  • @Kiara-xh3he
    @Kiara-xh3he ปีที่แล้ว +112

    They “apologize” but they NEVER make the effort to change the behavior that lead to the apology. So a few weeks, dates or months later… you’re RIGHT back to the same conflict, because they never changed their behavior in the first place. These folks are exhausting

    • @Coco-og7zw
      @Coco-og7zw 11 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      @Kiara…. You’re 💯% correct

    • @letym2271
      @letym2271 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      ​@@caligirl9403That's exactly what I experienced too. 🙄

    • @SwarnaliPramanik
      @SwarnaliPramanik 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

      Exactly!

    • @carolyn4423
      @carolyn4423 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +5

      . . .that's why I finally had to go 'no contact', been a year now.

    • @Freespiritedqueen
      @Freespiritedqueen 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      ​@carolyn4423 already at that stage the final last time. Finished.

  • @namamadhuram
    @namamadhuram 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    Thanks for the incredibly deep knowledge that you are sharing. But expecting anything from a narcissist is going to lead to more hurt.

  • @annaburns2865
    @annaburns2865 ปีที่แล้ว +48

    There’s actually 4 parts to an apology.
    1. Taking initiative
    2. Saying your sorry with empathy. Not blaming someone else and their “feelings”
    3. Taking responsibility (saying what the apology is for, what your part in the situation was.)
    4. Repentance or Recovery. Fixing whatever the problem was in the first place. Or at least trying to make sure that it never happens again.

  • @danif2604
    @danif2604 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    This is what I got from my ex narcissist… I apologize for our loss of love and friendship. This is such a generalized statement, there is no ownership or accountability for his terrible actions!

  • @nicholes3781
    @nicholes3781 ปีที่แล้ว +31

    When they say "I'm sorry you feel that way", I respond, "I'm sorry your actions made me feel this way."

    • @barbaraguthrie5107
      @barbaraguthrie5107 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Then they say, "I can't make you feel anything."

    • @nicholes3781
      @nicholes3781 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@barbaraguthrie5107 Then I say "Quit your jibber-jabber, idiot!" 😁

    • @Anniepat2340
      @Anniepat2340 12 วันที่ผ่านมา

      NEVER apologize to a narc. All the hear is “sorry”….

  • @albussnape2
    @albussnape2 9 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Have had a therapist say that and exhibit many other elements of narcissism you have taught us. Wish you’d talk about the insidious form of narcissistic abuse in therapy and where to find help bc the harm done is particularly painful.

    • @JuergenBertram-ps7sy
      @JuergenBertram-ps7sy 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Yes, what if the therapist is a narcissist ?!

  • @movingonandup322
    @movingonandup322 ปีที่แล้ว +44

    Narcs don't apologize. Narcs pretend to apologize in order to manipulate. That's not an apology.

    • @JuergenBertram-ps7sy
      @JuergenBertram-ps7sy 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Not genuine, ever !

    • @AriaSumner
      @AriaSumner หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Many won’t apologize, but it’s not true for all. The skilled narcs absolutely will apologize so they can hide their true selves and keep abusing.

    • @movingonandup322
      @movingonandup322 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@AriaSumner That's the point of my original post.

  • @sharicoburn5475
    @sharicoburn5475 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    They can be taught how to apologize, but they can never actually Feel sorry

  • @elsh332
    @elsh332 ปีที่แล้ว +76

    I separated from my borderline husband and in an email he said "I'm sorry you felt ghosted" after he ghosted me!
    I called him out on it.

    • @labazoops
      @labazoops ปีที่แล้ว +5

      That's an example of him telling on himself.

    • @labazoops
      @labazoops ปีที่แล้ว +4

      I would never call a violent one out on anything. They will teach you a lesson real fast. Beware!

    • @elsh332
      @elsh332 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      @labazoops it was by email. There's a violence order in place that the police got, saying he is prohibited from my residence or anywhere that I am frequently.
      I am getting support from a Domestic Violence Case Worker as well as a therapist. But we are seperated and I went no contact a few weeks ago because he was still doing the same thing g's through email.

    • @tonna15
      @tonna15 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      Wtf? Ghosting isnt even something you feel 😭😭

    • @elsh332
      @elsh332 ปีที่แล้ว

      ​@@tonna15good point!! 😂 I wish I'd said that!!

  • @Seabiscuit7
    @Seabiscuit7 ปีที่แล้ว +2

    Bingo!!! That's the apology I've always gotten from a narcissistic family member.

  • @yonniznaiyu3258
    @yonniznaiyu3258 ปีที่แล้ว +107

    “If I did something to upset you, then I’m sorry.” That’s the usual approach

    • @BluegrassBarn
      @BluegrassBarn ปีที่แล้ว +14

      Yes: "I'm sorry *IF* I did *anything* [means 'you are being too sensitive' when a narc says it] to *upset YOU*" [as if your (gerund possessive grammar, lol) being upset is the real problem].

    • @aichaakachab2451
      @aichaakachab2451 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +14

      That's gaslighting right there. if you think this hurts (which I don't think it does) then I am sorry. they built the apology on your - twisted - reality. it's just your reality, I don't think it is THE reality..They are so f***king SICK

    • @DazzleDust32
      @DazzleDust32 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

      Yes, I got an 'apology' six months later with PROMPTING from another person, saying they were 'sorry if what I did upset you and caused you pain.' Twelve years later, that person is older and actually much worse.

    • @yonniznaiyu3258
      @yonniznaiyu3258 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

      @@DazzleDust32 I’ve tried to make rational sense of these people, but I now conclude that narcissists as possessed-ensnared and driven by demonic forces-because they all seem to act according to the same script. I am Christian, and I know that humility and repentance need to be at the center our spiritual life. The goal is to become by grace what God is by nature, loving and forgiving. But these narcissists do the opposite. They get more evil with the passage of time. They don’t want to put their will in alignment with the Lord’s. They want to dominate other people and to exalt themselves. Essentially, they get just keep getting further and further away from godliness and truth, because they don’t work at changing or humbling themselves. They are filled with the opposite qualities, like arrogance and vengeance, and just keep doubling down on their own entitlement, greed, envy, etc. I think it’s a test of our endurance, dealing with these people. And it just drags us down to play their games on their terms. They only way to win is to extract ourselves from their sphere of influence, and to forgive them-from a distance. If God can find a way change their hearts, He will. But if they want to keep choosing hell, then that’s where they’ll end up. Don’t let them make you bitter, which they’d greatly enjoy.

    • @LaMesaC
      @LaMesaC 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      Yep. Married one.

  • @mikejettusa
    @mikejettusa 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    Beautiful explanation of something that so many people, narcissist or not don't have a grasp on.

  • @pragmaticpoet
    @pragmaticpoet ปีที่แล้ว +59

    Real Apology acknowledges an awareness of impact on others AND it is supported with a change in behavior (it's a VERB)

    • @Lesrena7
      @Lesrena7 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Yes! My ex narc husband would apologize and acknowledge, and if changes were made, they only lasted for 2 weeks to no more than a month. Then everything went right back to so called normal.

    • @dark7angel456
      @dark7angel456 ปีที่แล้ว +1

      I've never had a real apology yet after being hurt in life except 2 people.

  • @StephenGangi
    @StephenGangi 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    Right up there with "You made me hit you"

  • @KleeKaiPuppies
    @KleeKaiPuppies ปีที่แล้ว +61

    Teaching a narc how to apologize is like giving a killer a gun. You can’t teach someone how to be genuine and loving. Narcs don’t need anymore manipulation skills.

    • @PsulOrtiz
      @PsulOrtiz ปีที่แล้ว +7

      Well, i guess I'm more hopefull than many on here.
      Teaching some one to have a clue about empathy is a major step for them.
      Plus, you have to start somewhere.
      'I'm sorry for that!' is a huge accomplishment for some folks! Even if many on here want to negate it!
      I wonder if being uber negative is as bad as to not apologize for something you have done? Or is it even worse?
      Hopefully not apologizing doesn't occur very often but negativety is a daily, all day, everyday kind of grinding a person down.

    • @JessAnonymous
      @JessAnonymous 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      You can teach them. It takes A LOT but some narcs really can change. Its gonna take something drastic usually and maybe some shadow work

    • @jessicablack9960
      @jessicablack9960 3 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@PsulOrtiz teaching empathy is absolutely a good thing. But the point is that with many narcs, this is not their goal. They hear how an apology is supposed to sound, and they use it as a tool to manipulate rather than desiring to properly apologize or empathize with people. In other words, they don’t mean the apology. They just use it as another tactic to control someone. If someone says “I’m sorry” but they don’t mean it, then it’s not really an apology now is it?

    • @AmberKlein-p6j
      @AmberKlein-p6j หลายเดือนก่อน

      ​@jessicablack9960 empathy can NOT be taught. It's either in your nature or not. They can FAKE it , but it won't be genuine.

  • @jjjsmith2497
    @jjjsmith2497 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    I will say this when no apology is warranted.

  • @anthonylautzenheiser3802
    @anthonylautzenheiser3802 ปีที่แล้ว +25

    "I'm sorry you feel that way" is how you apologize to a narcissist when they force you to apologize.

  • @Andreas-gh6is
    @Andreas-gh6is 8 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    Narcissists know how to apologize, but not when...

  • @saundrafoster8768
    @saundrafoster8768 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    Begged and cried I’m sorry..Two days later did the same thing he was supposed to be sorry about ! No longer my problem..

  • @holly_gmTwb
    @holly_gmTwb 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    When the narcissist plays victim: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

  • @michaelstapelberg7751
    @michaelstapelberg7751 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    omg "i am sorry you feel that way" that phrase literally makes my eye twitch lol..

    • @michelleduncan9965
      @michelleduncan9965 ปีที่แล้ว +4

      That's my narc "mom" to a T.

    • @MrColdchillin81
      @MrColdchillin81 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +6

      I don’t really understand why that’s upsetting. Maybe they don’t agree with your perspective but are still apologizing and validating your right to choose to feel that way

    • @JessAnonymous
      @JessAnonymous 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      I hate it, but sometimes 'im sorry you feel that way' is justified bc some dont share the same pov as you, however when it comes to the narcs, they're insane

    • @mrs.t3733
      @mrs.t3733 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +4

      ​@@MrColdchillin81They are sorry for your feeling bad but not for the action causing the bad feelings

    • @mayas3096
      @mayas3096 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      Lol exactly. “I’m sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t always be taken with so much disdain. If I was to say this to someone, I would literally mean, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want you to feel that way ever” but I guess I’m now realizing this is all subjective 🤷🏻‍♀️😅

  • @scientist3149
    @scientist3149 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    If someone says to me “I’m sorry you feel that way”, my response would be “ YOU should be sorry for acting the way you do”.

  • @rubio9478
    @rubio9478 ปีที่แล้ว +33

    I've actually said that to a narcissist, lol. They hate when their own tactics are used against them.

  • @foxyfoodie2987
    @foxyfoodie2987 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    I HAVE HEARD I'm sorry you feel that way " for the past 19 years

  • @nickbrown3571
    @nickbrown3571 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    accountability is a narcissists kryptonite

  • @c.m.2747
    @c.m.2747 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    Thing is, they're not sorry, no matter how they say it. I hear that phrase ALL the time.

  • @Virgo9-9
    @Virgo9-9 ปีที่แล้ว +11

    Some narcissistic parents won't admit they were ever wrong in the first place, so they don't feel the need to apologize.

  • @gardenandcalico
    @gardenandcalico ปีที่แล้ว +2

    for those who still need it: "my feelings arent yours to apologize for, got anything else?"

  • @indyd9322
    @indyd9322 ปีที่แล้ว +15

    OMG! She's so right, and you're lucky if they even say "I'm sorry that's the way you feel". Most of the time, they will simply justify their position or deny the event even happened.

    • @realtyler9119
      @realtyler9119 27 วันที่ผ่านมา +2

      It’s just their last ditch attempt to get you to drop the issue after the denial, lying, and anger mysteriously didn’t work. It’s sad that they can’t even lie and pretend to be actually sorry for your sake even though they lied all the way up to that point. Be assured that even if they do give you a “sincere” apology, it means absolutely nothing because they will do whatever it was again even more so out of contempt.

  • @GuppyAlienVT
    @GuppyAlienVT 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    The "im sorry you feel that way" is one of the more hurtful ones..

  • @jeanniejeannie7258
    @jeanniejeannie7258 ปีที่แล้ว +18

    These people cannot get better, period, they just learn to manipulate better

  • @m.o.s.h.1836
    @m.o.s.h.1836 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    real apology has sincerity that the other person whom you apologize feels it.

  • @Tarotcooks
    @Tarotcooks ปีที่แล้ว +35

    They don't need therapy
    They need a asylum facility 😂

    • @LaMesaC
      @LaMesaC 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      Yess!!

    • @arnelevans4803
      @arnelevans4803 2 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Exactly

  • @peachyreen4550
    @peachyreen4550 ปีที่แล้ว +3

    This is how my mother has always apologized. It never made me feel any better - kinda made me feel worse

  • @dlewis5166
    @dlewis5166 ปีที่แล้ว +24

    My narc will say I'm sorry and when I ask what he's sorry for, he can't seem to come up with anything.

    • @letym2271
      @letym2271 10 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      This was my experience too.

    • @TallGlass-fh8qf
      @TallGlass-fh8qf 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

      Literally hoping the bare minimum of the word itself is enough for you. Same happened to me.

    • @JuergenBertram-ps7sy
      @JuergenBertram-ps7sy 4 หลายเดือนก่อน

      ​@@TallGlass-fh8qf, pure pretense ?

    • @DRScott-hb6vl
      @DRScott-hb6vl 24 วันที่ผ่านมา

      It’s because the thing they should be sorry for they already rationalized it as truth. So why be sorry for a lie they believe is truth to them.

  • @charmainekrien8446
    @charmainekrien8446 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    This woman knows exactly what she's talking about. True True True to every word. 👍🤗

  • @fionam3735
    @fionam3735 ปีที่แล้ว +14

    Therapy allows narcissists to hone their skills

    • @amaqueen9012
      @amaqueen9012 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      @@fionam3735 RAZOR SHARP 😳🥺🤣

    • @fionam3735
      @fionam3735 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

      They use it to there benefit, they can easily outsmart most therapists

  • @leeannurban7364
    @leeannurban7364 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    “I’m sorry you feel that way”
    It’s also a way to not take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, for someone like me, who was raised to be a people pleaser and would take on the responsibility of other peoples feelings, using this phrase has been incredibly empowering for me
    It Means that I recognize how they feel however I am not responsible for how they feel. I am only responsible for my actions and the way that I treat others.

  • @narcicide8814
    @narcicide8814 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Changed behaviour is the biggest apology... Their verbal gymnastics can only go so far...

  • @njk985
    @njk985 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    My mother's apologies were usually money & cake but on the odd occasion it was "if I've offended you, I'm sorry"

  • @JoyFay
    @JoyFay ปีที่แล้ว +4

    Some times they somewhat correctly apologies, but the go right back into being toxic and when you bring it up, they accuse you of using their past against them.

  • @Arielelian
    @Arielelian 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +1

    My response to anyone who tells me "I'm sorry":
    "Don't be sorry. Be better."
    Gotta love Kratos's wisdom. Lol.

  • @comehangoutwithme8018
    @comehangoutwithme8018 ปีที่แล้ว +5

    Not everyone deserves an "I'm sorry". I'd rather they didn't say anything if they don't mean it.

  • @isuruherath7281
    @isuruherath7281 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I feel like there's no one who can challenge you on this topic. I respect your empathy Dr. Ramani, especially for the victims of narcissists, including myself. 🙏❤️

  • @genexxer1
    @genexxer1 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    an apology is better seen than heard

  • @TLW369
    @TLW369 หลายเดือนก่อน

    This proves that I’m definitely not a narcissist, because when I’m wrong, I apologize the CORRECT way and make a conscious effort to fix the problem.
    ♥️

  • @sirg-had8821
    @sirg-had8821 ปีที่แล้ว +13

    "I'm sorry you feel that way. "
    That's the closest thing to an apology that these worthless shells of people will ever give you. Cut all contact with them.

    • @LaMesaC
      @LaMesaC 5 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

      In my experience, that's accurate.

  • @unclemonster48
    @unclemonster48 หลายเดือนก่อน

    So much that cuts so deep…I don’t know if I will ever be my old happy self again

  • @jilll4649
    @jilll4649 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    Another method the narcissist uses is saying I’m sorry then shifting the blame to you. Making the apology zilch.

  • @barefootarts737
    @barefootarts737 6 หลายเดือนก่อน +3

    Being sorry that someone else feels bad or angry or upset is not gaslighting or manipulation. This lady is too cynical to be a medicine for abused people.
    Saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is something I learned as a kid from a teacher at school!
    I was told I can say this when someone is trying to blame me for how they feel.
    I am a cry baby. And as a kid I needed a way to protect myself from all the weird games that kids play on each other. This response is gold, because it allows me to completely disengage. In fact, I have used it many times to escape manipulation, and remove myself from more than a couple of situations that we're desperate for my participation.

    • @jhoisyESL
      @jhoisyESL หลายเดือนก่อน

      It's mostly about tone. If someone is sad and you say this with true empathy, then it's a different situation. Maybe it would be better to say "I'm sorry you feel so sad", etc. Since she's talking about narcs who do or say hurtful things on purpose for control, to manipulate, etc then the narc is placing "blame" on their victim for feeling sad, etc. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" in such a situation is almost mocking the pain of the narc's victim. That's the only type of "apology" that I ever received from my bpd spouse.

  • @strawberrysangria1474
    @strawberrysangria1474 ปีที่แล้ว +6

    "I'm sorry you feel that way" means we're still fighting.
    "I'm sorry for what I did to you" means I've thought about my actions and realized I was wrong.

  • @LaChika1981
    @LaChika1981 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Absolutely. My brain squirms whenever such a person says that.

  • @zorabujaroska3645
    @zorabujaroska3645 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    Narcissists NEVER apologize, or at least they never mean it.

  • @lilpronto3627
    @lilpronto3627 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    This is what I dealt with that exact same apology “I’m sorry you feel that way” it’s really a slap in the face, as well as having to constantly give clarification that I’m not cheating and even when she gets the clarity she still chooses to argue and be delusional, had my phone passwords could check my phone at anytime I hardly asked to check her phone because I didn’t want to start bringing her habits into my personality, but with all of the clarity she would still assume to start arguments until I started to overreact to her assumptions which led to me getting out of character but that’s what she wanted baited me into being the bad guy because of her trust issues no matter what I did It always felt like a tryout, like I had to prove to her I’m worthy and loyal constantly. This led to me barely going out with friends, shrinking my character and feeling like my whole life resolved around her. When I’m with friends I’m cheating, if I’m outside in the car for too long I’m talking to someone else it was just constant assumptions on assumptions, my friends even started to see a shift in my character. The worst was her using assumptions to create space and a toxic environment.

  • @desert_moon
    @desert_moon ปีที่แล้ว +4

    "I'm sorry you feel that way" is all I ever hear.

  • @cherylbrooking5229
    @cherylbrooking5229 4 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    just because they learn how to give an apology doesn't mean they actually mean it... they just learnt a new manipulation tool.

  • @carrie8285
    @carrie8285 ปีที่แล้ว +8

    I was recently told “I hear that you feel I hurt you.” 👀 I replied “YOU hurt me.” And again he repeated it. And I said “Your actions and words hurt me.” He said “I hear you.” Never took responsibility.

  • @HaShomeret
    @HaShomeret 8 หลายเดือนก่อน

    "I'm sorry. I should start doing that."
    Also a classic

  • @syrexscuse66
    @syrexscuse66 ปีที่แล้ว +81

    I taught my child to never say just, "I'm sorry." That's just a phrase that makes YOU feel better about what you have done.
    A true apology is, "I'm sorry for what I said (or did) and how it affected you. I promise to never say (or do) that again."
    That is a true apology because you take ownership of your own words and actions and understand how your words and actions negatively affect others.

    • @kevintewey1157
      @kevintewey1157 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      Only half.
      The other is knowing and admitting the character defect that drove you to it
      one of the seven deadly sins I presume

    • @syrexscuse66
      @syrexscuse66 ปีที่แล้ว +3

      @@kevintewey1157 at 15 he isn't emotionally or intellectually mature enough yet to understand himself at that level. However, he understands he is accountable for his own words and actions.

    • @kevintewey1157
      @kevintewey1157 ปีที่แล้ว +5

      @syrexscuse66 oops, my apologies you did say child
      but the problem is I'm working with a lot of adult children so I forget
      My bad 🤣

    • @TallGlass-fh8qf
      @TallGlass-fh8qf 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

      A true apology is active repentance. Naturally striving to not hurt the person again.

  • @ramonaharter6407
    @ramonaharter6407 6 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Needed this reminder today! thank you! he did it 3 times today and I'm done. I am thankful for your validation

  • @blondescorpion8940
    @blondescorpion8940 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    My husband says I’m sorry you took it wrong. Omg drives me insane. We’re both in therapy now.

  • @GG7541g
    @GG7541g 3 หลายเดือนก่อน

    Thank you so much. 🎉 Fatigue is the worst thing for me.

  • @beccajoyce181
    @beccajoyce181 ปีที่แล้ว +10

    No they do apologize when they realize it gets you to rest and trust them again

  • @MTksm
    @MTksm 5 หลายเดือนก่อน

    I knew it!! Aaggghhh that statement instantly Boils my blood! I knew it was t an apology! Thank you for confirming!!

  • @ArthurGraham-vy1ze
    @ArthurGraham-vy1ze ปีที่แล้ว +13

    A good way to trigger me is to say "I'm sorry for any offense I may have caused". Instead of tone-policing that person, I know instead to scrub him or her.

    • @jent5704
      @jent5704 ปีที่แล้ว

      This is my MIL to a tee.

  • @michellegarigen9364
    @michellegarigen9364 ปีที่แล้ว +1

    That is so accurate!!

  • @racheldahliamusic
    @racheldahliamusic ปีที่แล้ว +8

    A therapist told me to counter back at a narcissists horrid criticisms is to say exactly "I'm sorry you feel that way" .

    • @pamelaminor696
      @pamelaminor696 9 หลายเดือนก่อน

      After you said that How did the narc react?

    • @Anniepat2340
      @Anniepat2340 12 วันที่ผ่านมา

      @@pamelaminor696I think u were told to say that as to not “engage” w the narc. I’ll bet a narc has no problem saying it to others, but HATES to hear it.

    • @rebeccataylorshaw6532
      @rebeccataylorshaw6532 วันที่ผ่านมา

      Yes. It's the perfect thing to say to someone not taking responsibility for their actions

  • @sbfabtfc1
    @sbfabtfc1 20 วันที่ผ่านมา

    My favorite response is, "Don't apologize for my feelings - APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR."

  • @elfsongtavern
    @elfsongtavern ปีที่แล้ว +6

    I’d only say “I’m sorry you feel that way” if I was trying to get across that I’m not sorry

  • @audreyquinn73
    @audreyquinn73 2 หลายเดือนก่อน

    "I'm sorry you feel that way" is verbatim what my narc mothrr said to me throughout my entire life. Went no contact 7 months ago and I'm healing now. ❤

  • @ellesojourner4229
    @ellesojourner4229 ปีที่แล้ว +7

    This is excellent! You must own the mistake in order for anyone to have confidence that the behavior can change.

  • @ericalbright7210
    @ericalbright7210 ปีที่แล้ว

    Christine Albright
    "THANK YOU!..."

  • @estherhirsch4460
    @estherhirsch4460 ปีที่แล้ว +9

    Somebody spoke to me in a very hurtful way with cursing. I had to beg for an apology and the person text me with typos the apology you speak about. I knew the apology was off but now I understand why. The person who stood by said u got an apology
    I said no and they both didn't get it. Now I see why I continue to still hurt at times. I wish the person would apologize from their heart

    • @anthonylautzenheiser3802
      @anthonylautzenheiser3802 ปีที่แล้ว +2

      Stop giving others the power to hurt you, and look for a change in behavior rather than some words that have no meaning to the person saying them.

  • @curryking1
    @curryking1 2 หลายเดือนก่อน +2

    This is exactly the phrase i was told and it's incredible because i was also told for years my actual sincere apologies were meaningless... 🤣 Years later it finally makes sense 🤣 i was told this in a filled public restaurant too at a discard point to maximize the level of embarrassment to me and even at the time i thought it was insane someone would do that to make me feel as vulnerable and exposed as possible but I never realized how insane it was until the last few years 🤣 and that was after a few days of being called by the same person to advise them what they should do because they had abdominal pain and they ended up having appendicitis and i was supporting them through that! 🤣 insanely emotionally manipulative and abusive person that is what narcissism really means, and at some point i realized what a psychopath type behaviour it is, no one else but a narcissist can devalue anyone so much 💯💯💯