How Narcissists "Apologize"
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This clip from Ask Dr. Ramani: How Do I Go to Therapy with a Narcissist?
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
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“Changed behavior is the only real apology. Otherwise it’s just manipulation.” Maranda Pleasant
Exactly! Changed behavior shows they understand that their actions and behaviors hurt someone. They don't care, they don't have empathy so it continues over & over.
True.
Yup ❤
I tell my narcissistic ex "while I appeciate the apology, I cannot accept it or forgive you until I see a change in behavior".
Response I get "I don't appreciate you making an assumption or dismissing me like that"...🤦♀️😭
We live together, so walking away makes stuff worse.
Spot On.
“Don’t apologize for my feelings. My feelings are my own responsibility. Apologize for what you said/did.”
Sometimes a person doesn't say or do anything 🤷🏿♂️
@@wuzzleone Then obviously the point of this video wouldn't apply to those circumstances and contexts youre mentioning. Would it?
Well said!
My favorite is “I’m sorry for whatever it is you think I did.”
Oh I've heard that line of BS.
I Want to Scream reading this. I want to pull my hair out one by one and scream. Commencement of the DARVO session for hours and hours and hours we thought they could try to see from our POV or dredge any self awareness.. help them understand what they did that hurt us. Turns out they know what they did. And don't care and are laughing deep down inside getting that dopamine hit like a vampire from our pain and supply. That's it! Simple truth. When he would say this, I would end up that drained dehydrated shaky heart racing mess we all know all too well.
My heart goes out to anyone ever out through this. Really, I was driven to illness and lost myself and almost my life in his deep dark well I fell down. Do not ever go back. The "good times" never existed.
Take care.
Yep my mother says “sorry IF I hurt you” no you did hurt me there’s no if
I heard that 😂
Spot on!
A narcissist apology is meaningless ❤❤
Came here to say this
My father throws out apologies like pitching at an MLB game. My only response; "I've heard that before."
Seems like their lives are meaningless too!
Go to therapy without the narcissist, PLEASE, FOR YOURSELF ONLY.
I currently have a case worker who is 10 years younger than me and I can see her situation SO clearly from a mile away but she still can't. I'm 20 years in w a narc, she's 3 in and wants another baby so she goes back and forth about the reality of her husband being a narc. One week she hates him, the next he's an angel, and I've had to slowly introduce her to terms like trauma bonding, love bombing, grey rock, gaslighting etc. She gets 1 therapy session per month, and is using it for couples therapy but I'm working on convincing her to use it for herself bc its very obvious that she's so attached to him that she will believe him, make excuses for him etc. She had terrible parents like myself, so she was an easy target and also has no plan B. He is all she has(also her only long term relationship) and bc of that, she's completely blind to his antics and abuse. She only knows abuse and has no idea what its like to be in a healthy relationship so she just keeps tending to this broken one that's eternally dragging her down and stressing her out. Last time I saw her she was distraught and stressing about things like him getting another dui or wrecking her vehicle, him cheating again, him disappearing and ignoring her for days etc and I was just like "Listen, you could be learning right now. You could be starting a business. You could be having hobbies and friends and fun. You could be thinking about/working toward your bucket list or dream house. You could be making memories or relaxing...but you're doing none of these things bc 110% of your mental and emotional real estate is occupied by this guy and the problems he causes you."
@@Sara_Rockafella, well, that in itself can make YOU into another narcissist, right there, you give yourself any excuse you need !
@JuergenBertram-ps7sy you know NOTHING and your comment makes that blatantly clear. And you make no sense. Your a negative navy. Or shall we say a narcissist.
@@bernitacenteno1326 I LEARNED THAT TRUTH!!!MANY YEARS AGO
They won't show up anyway
A narc’s apology is hoovering.
If they give you an apology you can believe it is meaningless
OR, that you will pay for it later in some form of punishment because YOU embarrassed them and shamed them by making them apologize to you for something they did or said that was wrong! They are NEVER WRONG. 😂
Or you end up being their therapist listening to them for hours about the trauma of how brutal and unfair it is, and how hurt they are that you said they hurt you.
No apologies, no compliments, no empathy.
Therapy is were the narcissistic personality learns how to apologise so they can manipulate better
😂 So true.
Indeed. A sincere apology is changed behavior
So true that’s what I realized with my toxic family
This takes a change in mindset. Satan is the head narcissist.
@@JF32304 Pathology always trumps normalcy.
I’ve even been told they were offended they had to apologize. Once I heard that I left them alone immediately.
Ive watched them claim to be sorry, but then do the exact same thing again the next time. They have no intention of changing, their intention is to shut you up.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” ❌
“I’m sorry I made you feel that way” ✅
Having once been married to a narcissist, my experience is that a narcissist doesn't ever need to apologize brcause they can't see themselves being wrong.
You are entirely correct. My ex-narc was NEVER wrong. It was always wrong. I even asked her once if she is ever wrong. She just laughed and said "No".
messiah complex
@jeffrey…. You are 10,000% correct!!!
My dear, it is worse than you think, they do know how bad they are. They hurt you because it thrills them to see you destroyed, when they say something to make you cry or get you angry, it is on purpose, they just deny it
My favorite, they scream "it was an accident!" because accidents don't count and you are wrong for pointing out something that was clearly "an accident". But believe you me you'll apologize to them for "an accident". So will babies, dogs, and children, God and physics, followed by a 5hr looping rant lecture. It's a slow soul killer.
“I can’t help how you feel” was used a lot when I said he made me feel crazy.
Narcissistic people can learn the words of a real apology, but they never feel empathy or true remorse.
I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for Dr Ramani’s videos and books. I didn’t have words for what I was experiencing, now I know what I’m dealing with. In the middle of leaving a 6 year hell hole, I listen to these videos to help me keep moving forward and away to hopefully happiness.
You mean how a narcissist creates the illusion of apologizing without really doing it
Even when they want to return it not I did you badly it just this doesn’t make me weak but I think I should come back 😮
Yes, it needs to include correction. "I'm sorry, I hurt you AND I'm taking steps to ensure it'll never happen again." Evidence of corrected behaviours that demonstrate evidence of remorse that stand over the test of time are the real apology.
@@lt827 THAT PART😳
Spot on. And once the narcissist utters the words I am sorry it equals to the slate is clean- nothing has happened, I can go on abusing you.
Learns to manipulate not really apologize...so they learn to act in therapy...to be an actor...not a genuine person
That's in fact
WHO THEY ARE ...An Actor
.... Not just in therapy
... but in LIFE !
am i narc?
Yep
"I'm sorry if you thought that was hurtful."
I've heard that one too ..
Right! Then they add “that’s not what I meant by that…..
@@Anniepat2340 right?
Warning: narcissists use therapy to learn how to better fake and manipulate their victims.
They use Internet , youtube chanels like this one as well... 😂 .
You can spot them here often
playing a VICTIM...
while
An evil " narcissist"
sleeps in the K-mart parking lot
in his car. 🎉
Yes they learn fake empathy in order to manipulate.
You can't manipulate a manipulator and no I am not a full blown narcissist.
@@zoraidita2022😂 way to reveal yourself.
@@Queridasweet 😉
It’s sooo true! They can’t even fathom that they could be in the wrong, ever. Apologies don’t exist in a narcissist world, because they can’t empathize or humble themselves enough to know that they did something wrong.
Exactly, forever self-righteous !
I’d rather they don’t learn so I can easily identify them
Good one. There's no hope for them. They think there's nothing wrong with them on the outside but inside they are screamingly insecure. Even saying "I apologize" is not an apology.
Perfect answer.
Clever 👍
@@Tarotcooks True cuz you can't change an elephant to a giraffe. Or any other analogy that is downright impossible.
@@Leelee-op7vj 😄👍
Short answer: Narcissist DON'T apologize. They go to couples therapy to learn how to REFINE their Narcissisim and charm the therapist.
Some narcs never allow this conversation to even occur. They don't hear you! They only emit, never receive.
As someone who grew up feeling like I had to apologize for everything because everything was always my fault, learning to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" has helped me heal in that regard. I've learned to make it known that if I'm being unjustly blamed for something, it's not my problem or my weight to bear anymore. I do still apologize for my own mistakes, though. I've just realized that other people's toxic issues are not my fault or my responsibility to fix.
Exactly, grew up same and having to deal with an ex, going no contact will seal the deal for all time!
I agree there are times when that phrase is appropriate.
Geez. If you didn’t do anything then there’s no need to apologize. There’s never a time and place for “I'm sorry you feel that way”.
They “apologize” but they NEVER make the effort to change the behavior that lead to the apology. So a few weeks, dates or months later… you’re RIGHT back to the same conflict, because they never changed their behavior in the first place. These folks are exhausting
@Kiara…. You’re 💯% correct
@@caligirl9403That's exactly what I experienced too. 🙄
Exactly!
. . .that's why I finally had to go 'no contact', been a year now.
@carolyn4423 already at that stage the final last time. Finished.
Thanks for the incredibly deep knowledge that you are sharing. But expecting anything from a narcissist is going to lead to more hurt.
There’s actually 4 parts to an apology.
1. Taking initiative
2. Saying your sorry with empathy. Not blaming someone else and their “feelings”
3. Taking responsibility (saying what the apology is for, what your part in the situation was.)
4. Repentance or Recovery. Fixing whatever the problem was in the first place. Or at least trying to make sure that it never happens again.
Yah....she couldn't.
This is what I got from my ex narcissist… I apologize for our loss of love and friendship. This is such a generalized statement, there is no ownership or accountability for his terrible actions!
When they say "I'm sorry you feel that way", I respond, "I'm sorry your actions made me feel this way."
Then they say, "I can't make you feel anything."
@@barbaraguthrie5107 Then I say "Quit your jibber-jabber, idiot!" 😁
NEVER apologize to a narc. All the hear is “sorry”….
Have had a therapist say that and exhibit many other elements of narcissism you have taught us. Wish you’d talk about the insidious form of narcissistic abuse in therapy and where to find help bc the harm done is particularly painful.
Yes, what if the therapist is a narcissist ?!
Narcs don't apologize. Narcs pretend to apologize in order to manipulate. That's not an apology.
Not genuine, ever !
Many won’t apologize, but it’s not true for all. The skilled narcs absolutely will apologize so they can hide their true selves and keep abusing.
@@AriaSumner That's the point of my original post.
They can be taught how to apologize, but they can never actually Feel sorry
I separated from my borderline husband and in an email he said "I'm sorry you felt ghosted" after he ghosted me!
I called him out on it.
That's an example of him telling on himself.
I would never call a violent one out on anything. They will teach you a lesson real fast. Beware!
@labazoops it was by email. There's a violence order in place that the police got, saying he is prohibited from my residence or anywhere that I am frequently.
I am getting support from a Domestic Violence Case Worker as well as a therapist. But we are seperated and I went no contact a few weeks ago because he was still doing the same thing g's through email.
Wtf? Ghosting isnt even something you feel 😭😭
@@tonna15good point!! 😂 I wish I'd said that!!
Bingo!!! That's the apology I've always gotten from a narcissistic family member.
“If I did something to upset you, then I’m sorry.” That’s the usual approach
Yes: "I'm sorry *IF* I did *anything* [means 'you are being too sensitive' when a narc says it] to *upset YOU*" [as if your (gerund possessive grammar, lol) being upset is the real problem].
That's gaslighting right there. if you think this hurts (which I don't think it does) then I am sorry. they built the apology on your - twisted - reality. it's just your reality, I don't think it is THE reality..They are so f***king SICK
Yes, I got an 'apology' six months later with PROMPTING from another person, saying they were 'sorry if what I did upset you and caused you pain.' Twelve years later, that person is older and actually much worse.
@@DazzleDust32 I’ve tried to make rational sense of these people, but I now conclude that narcissists as possessed-ensnared and driven by demonic forces-because they all seem to act according to the same script. I am Christian, and I know that humility and repentance need to be at the center our spiritual life. The goal is to become by grace what God is by nature, loving and forgiving. But these narcissists do the opposite. They get more evil with the passage of time. They don’t want to put their will in alignment with the Lord’s. They want to dominate other people and to exalt themselves. Essentially, they get just keep getting further and further away from godliness and truth, because they don’t work at changing or humbling themselves. They are filled with the opposite qualities, like arrogance and vengeance, and just keep doubling down on their own entitlement, greed, envy, etc. I think it’s a test of our endurance, dealing with these people. And it just drags us down to play their games on their terms. They only way to win is to extract ourselves from their sphere of influence, and to forgive them-from a distance. If God can find a way change their hearts, He will. But if they want to keep choosing hell, then that’s where they’ll end up. Don’t let them make you bitter, which they’d greatly enjoy.
Yep. Married one.
Beautiful explanation of something that so many people, narcissist or not don't have a grasp on.
Real Apology acknowledges an awareness of impact on others AND it is supported with a change in behavior (it's a VERB)
Yes! My ex narc husband would apologize and acknowledge, and if changes were made, they only lasted for 2 weeks to no more than a month. Then everything went right back to so called normal.
I've never had a real apology yet after being hurt in life except 2 people.
Right up there with "You made me hit you"
Teaching a narc how to apologize is like giving a killer a gun. You can’t teach someone how to be genuine and loving. Narcs don’t need anymore manipulation skills.
Well, i guess I'm more hopefull than many on here.
Teaching some one to have a clue about empathy is a major step for them.
Plus, you have to start somewhere.
'I'm sorry for that!' is a huge accomplishment for some folks! Even if many on here want to negate it!
I wonder if being uber negative is as bad as to not apologize for something you have done? Or is it even worse?
Hopefully not apologizing doesn't occur very often but negativety is a daily, all day, everyday kind of grinding a person down.
You can teach them. It takes A LOT but some narcs really can change. Its gonna take something drastic usually and maybe some shadow work
@@PsulOrtiz teaching empathy is absolutely a good thing. But the point is that with many narcs, this is not their goal. They hear how an apology is supposed to sound, and they use it as a tool to manipulate rather than desiring to properly apologize or empathize with people. In other words, they don’t mean the apology. They just use it as another tactic to control someone. If someone says “I’m sorry” but they don’t mean it, then it’s not really an apology now is it?
@jessicablack9960 empathy can NOT be taught. It's either in your nature or not. They can FAKE it , but it won't be genuine.
I will say this when no apology is warranted.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is how you apologize to a narcissist when they force you to apologize.
Narcissists know how to apologize, but not when...
Begged and cried I’m sorry..Two days later did the same thing he was supposed to be sorry about ! No longer my problem..
When the narcissist plays victim: "I'm sorry you feel that way."
omg "i am sorry you feel that way" that phrase literally makes my eye twitch lol..
That's my narc "mom" to a T.
I don’t really understand why that’s upsetting. Maybe they don’t agree with your perspective but are still apologizing and validating your right to choose to feel that way
I hate it, but sometimes 'im sorry you feel that way' is justified bc some dont share the same pov as you, however when it comes to the narcs, they're insane
@@MrColdchillin81They are sorry for your feeling bad but not for the action causing the bad feelings
Lol exactly. “I’m sorry you feel that way” shouldn’t always be taken with so much disdain. If I was to say this to someone, I would literally mean, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt. I wouldn’t want you to feel that way ever” but I guess I’m now realizing this is all subjective 🤷🏻♀️😅
If someone says to me “I’m sorry you feel that way”, my response would be “ YOU should be sorry for acting the way you do”.
I've actually said that to a narcissist, lol. They hate when their own tactics are used against them.
I HAVE HEARD I'm sorry you feel that way " for the past 19 years
accountability is a narcissists kryptonite
Thing is, they're not sorry, no matter how they say it. I hear that phrase ALL the time.
Some narcissistic parents won't admit they were ever wrong in the first place, so they don't feel the need to apologize.
for those who still need it: "my feelings arent yours to apologize for, got anything else?"
OMG! She's so right, and you're lucky if they even say "I'm sorry that's the way you feel". Most of the time, they will simply justify their position or deny the event even happened.
It’s just their last ditch attempt to get you to drop the issue after the denial, lying, and anger mysteriously didn’t work. It’s sad that they can’t even lie and pretend to be actually sorry for your sake even though they lied all the way up to that point. Be assured that even if they do give you a “sincere” apology, it means absolutely nothing because they will do whatever it was again even more so out of contempt.
The "im sorry you feel that way" is one of the more hurtful ones..
These people cannot get better, period, they just learn to manipulate better
real apology has sincerity that the other person whom you apologize feels it.
They don't need therapy
They need a asylum facility 😂
Yess!!
Exactly
This is how my mother has always apologized. It never made me feel any better - kinda made me feel worse
My narc will say I'm sorry and when I ask what he's sorry for, he can't seem to come up with anything.
This was my experience too.
Literally hoping the bare minimum of the word itself is enough for you. Same happened to me.
@@TallGlass-fh8qf, pure pretense ?
It’s because the thing they should be sorry for they already rationalized it as truth. So why be sorry for a lie they believe is truth to them.
This woman knows exactly what she's talking about. True True True to every word. 👍🤗
Therapy allows narcissists to hone their skills
@@fionam3735 RAZOR SHARP 😳🥺🤣
They use it to there benefit, they can easily outsmart most therapists
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
It’s also a way to not take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, for someone like me, who was raised to be a people pleaser and would take on the responsibility of other peoples feelings, using this phrase has been incredibly empowering for me
It Means that I recognize how they feel however I am not responsible for how they feel. I am only responsible for my actions and the way that I treat others.
Changed behaviour is the biggest apology... Their verbal gymnastics can only go so far...
My mother's apologies were usually money & cake but on the odd occasion it was "if I've offended you, I'm sorry"
Some times they somewhat correctly apologies, but the go right back into being toxic and when you bring it up, they accuse you of using their past against them.
My response to anyone who tells me "I'm sorry":
"Don't be sorry. Be better."
Gotta love Kratos's wisdom. Lol.
Not everyone deserves an "I'm sorry". I'd rather they didn't say anything if they don't mean it.
I feel like there's no one who can challenge you on this topic. I respect your empathy Dr. Ramani, especially for the victims of narcissists, including myself. 🙏❤️
an apology is better seen than heard
This proves that I’m definitely not a narcissist, because when I’m wrong, I apologize the CORRECT way and make a conscious effort to fix the problem.
♥️
"I'm sorry you feel that way. "
That's the closest thing to an apology that these worthless shells of people will ever give you. Cut all contact with them.
In my experience, that's accurate.
So much that cuts so deep…I don’t know if I will ever be my old happy self again
Another method the narcissist uses is saying I’m sorry then shifting the blame to you. Making the apology zilch.
Being sorry that someone else feels bad or angry or upset is not gaslighting or manipulation. This lady is too cynical to be a medicine for abused people.
Saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way' is something I learned as a kid from a teacher at school!
I was told I can say this when someone is trying to blame me for how they feel.
I am a cry baby. And as a kid I needed a way to protect myself from all the weird games that kids play on each other. This response is gold, because it allows me to completely disengage. In fact, I have used it many times to escape manipulation, and remove myself from more than a couple of situations that we're desperate for my participation.
It's mostly about tone. If someone is sad and you say this with true empathy, then it's a different situation. Maybe it would be better to say "I'm sorry you feel so sad", etc. Since she's talking about narcs who do or say hurtful things on purpose for control, to manipulate, etc then the narc is placing "blame" on their victim for feeling sad, etc. Saying "I'm sorry you feel that way" in such a situation is almost mocking the pain of the narc's victim. That's the only type of "apology" that I ever received from my bpd spouse.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" means we're still fighting.
"I'm sorry for what I did to you" means I've thought about my actions and realized I was wrong.
Absolutely. My brain squirms whenever such a person says that.
Narcissists NEVER apologize, or at least they never mean it.
This is what I dealt with that exact same apology “I’m sorry you feel that way” it’s really a slap in the face, as well as having to constantly give clarification that I’m not cheating and even when she gets the clarity she still chooses to argue and be delusional, had my phone passwords could check my phone at anytime I hardly asked to check her phone because I didn’t want to start bringing her habits into my personality, but with all of the clarity she would still assume to start arguments until I started to overreact to her assumptions which led to me getting out of character but that’s what she wanted baited me into being the bad guy because of her trust issues no matter what I did It always felt like a tryout, like I had to prove to her I’m worthy and loyal constantly. This led to me barely going out with friends, shrinking my character and feeling like my whole life resolved around her. When I’m with friends I’m cheating, if I’m outside in the car for too long I’m talking to someone else it was just constant assumptions on assumptions, my friends even started to see a shift in my character. The worst was her using assumptions to create space and a toxic environment.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is all I ever hear.
just because they learn how to give an apology doesn't mean they actually mean it... they just learnt a new manipulation tool.
I was recently told “I hear that you feel I hurt you.” 👀 I replied “YOU hurt me.” And again he repeated it. And I said “Your actions and words hurt me.” He said “I hear you.” Never took responsibility.
"I'm sorry. I should start doing that."
Also a classic
I taught my child to never say just, "I'm sorry." That's just a phrase that makes YOU feel better about what you have done.
A true apology is, "I'm sorry for what I said (or did) and how it affected you. I promise to never say (or do) that again."
That is a true apology because you take ownership of your own words and actions and understand how your words and actions negatively affect others.
Only half.
The other is knowing and admitting the character defect that drove you to it
one of the seven deadly sins I presume
@@kevintewey1157 at 15 he isn't emotionally or intellectually mature enough yet to understand himself at that level. However, he understands he is accountable for his own words and actions.
@syrexscuse66 oops, my apologies you did say child
but the problem is I'm working with a lot of adult children so I forget
My bad 🤣
A true apology is active repentance. Naturally striving to not hurt the person again.
Needed this reminder today! thank you! he did it 3 times today and I'm done. I am thankful for your validation
My husband says I’m sorry you took it wrong. Omg drives me insane. We’re both in therapy now.
Thank you so much. 🎉 Fatigue is the worst thing for me.
No they do apologize when they realize it gets you to rest and trust them again
Superficialities !
I knew it!! Aaggghhh that statement instantly Boils my blood! I knew it was t an apology! Thank you for confirming!!
A good way to trigger me is to say "I'm sorry for any offense I may have caused". Instead of tone-policing that person, I know instead to scrub him or her.
This is my MIL to a tee.
That is so accurate!!
A therapist told me to counter back at a narcissists horrid criticisms is to say exactly "I'm sorry you feel that way" .
After you said that How did the narc react?
@@pamelaminor696I think u were told to say that as to not “engage” w the narc. I’ll bet a narc has no problem saying it to others, but HATES to hear it.
Yes. It's the perfect thing to say to someone not taking responsibility for their actions
My favorite response is, "Don't apologize for my feelings - APOLOGIZE FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR."
I’d only say “I’m sorry you feel that way” if I was trying to get across that I’m not sorry
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is verbatim what my narc mothrr said to me throughout my entire life. Went no contact 7 months ago and I'm healing now. ❤
This is excellent! You must own the mistake in order for anyone to have confidence that the behavior can change.
Christine Albright
"THANK YOU!..."
Somebody spoke to me in a very hurtful way with cursing. I had to beg for an apology and the person text me with typos the apology you speak about. I knew the apology was off but now I understand why. The person who stood by said u got an apology
I said no and they both didn't get it. Now I see why I continue to still hurt at times. I wish the person would apologize from their heart
Stop giving others the power to hurt you, and look for a change in behavior rather than some words that have no meaning to the person saying them.
This is exactly the phrase i was told and it's incredible because i was also told for years my actual sincere apologies were meaningless... 🤣 Years later it finally makes sense 🤣 i was told this in a filled public restaurant too at a discard point to maximize the level of embarrassment to me and even at the time i thought it was insane someone would do that to make me feel as vulnerable and exposed as possible but I never realized how insane it was until the last few years 🤣 and that was after a few days of being called by the same person to advise them what they should do because they had abdominal pain and they ended up having appendicitis and i was supporting them through that! 🤣 insanely emotionally manipulative and abusive person that is what narcissism really means, and at some point i realized what a psychopath type behaviour it is, no one else but a narcissist can devalue anyone so much 💯💯💯