Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Anger is just a stage of grieving. The relationship was born dead. It's like trying to hold and hug a still born baby who you desperately wanted. But never really were allowed to enjoy. Yes, it was in the earliest stage alive, because you fed it through the umbilical cord. You were it's source. But it died, unbeknownst to you in the moment. And when you're suddenly made aware that there's nobody there now. You are alone. You asserted all the right energy, gave all you could and believed for the best case scenario. But in the end, you have to accept... it is what it is. Bury that baby, and mourn, and wake up tomorrow and start fresh. Breath. Every day. In and out. You'll go on and learn from it and eventually get better and have life. Stay in reality. Exactly. Present in the present moment. Enjoy today.
@@JennaKErickson thank you for commenting, I'm happy to hear I helped somebody. You know, all life's tests and trials are for us to grow through, then share whatever we learned because we not only survived but thrived. Pass it forward. 🤗💗
Wow! This was everything I didn’t know I needed! I’ve been stuck in this “ looping cycle “ for YEARS now and ironically never thought once to look deeper at myself 🤦🏽♀️
Glad to hear you found this video helpful. Thank you for that feedback. Many of us can relate with getting stuck in the looping cycle. If this content is beneficial then consider taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. By building new relating skills and learning about attachment behaviors we can prepare and be proactive around attachment distress triggers. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I’ve been stuck in this type of relationship for 4 years now! I thought getting married would help things but nothing has changed! Now I have so much more to lose. Luckily we don’t have any kids.
same, four years in and it needs to end. we were never compatible and it’s painful and miserable. i pray you aren’t in this relationship anymore, since your comment is from two years ago. 🙏🏼
What if the relationship on the surface itself is good, but deep inside you just feel like this is not the right person, and so it torments you, but you stay stuck because you rationalize this "gut feeling " away?
Omg...yesss...I needed to hear this. My husband blames me soooo much. I feel very stuck in this marriage when I told him I want a divorce and he just won't give me that. It's sooo toxic. Thanks for explaining this behavior I been pondering on from the start.
Omg, he has walked up on my porch, knocked on my door and handed me my issues. What a mess I have waddled in for nearly 9 years? Vision, Plan, and Resources. Come on now? Talk to me!!!! Thank You
I have watched many videos from lots of different counselors, life coaches and psychologists. I got a lot out of everything and learned a lot but still felt stuck. Even went to counseling for a while and my therapist told me to start feeling comfortable being alone. He said do things alone that I like to do that she never was into. He gave me steps to heal like mindfulness, journaling and working on myself and my needs. Also, to start dealing with the attachment trauma that I have and that she will never change and stop thinking that I can rescue or fix her. After all that I still went back to the relationship many times. The fights the gaslighting, the arguments, the terrible behavior did not change for her, and I stayed stuck calling her a borderline and abusive. This is the only time I really saw my own behavior and thinking as toxic. Watching and listening to you explain how I can stay stuck, blame shaming, pointing fingers, playing victim is only hurting her and myself at the same time. Breaking the cycle and taking charge of my own life and responsibilities is so important for my healing and having a healthy happy future. Being co-dependent sucks because I allowed myself to think if I could only fix her or make her happy I in return would be happy. It never really worked; it always went bad. Over and over again the same old cycle of a toxic situation reoccurred. I felt trapped in my own bullshit with no way out. I am starting to realize my role in the toxic relationship and are taking steps to take care of myself away from her. If only I would have seen the red flags early and had better boundaries. It is not easy, taking action and responsibilities for my own thinking but I am working through it one day at a time. I do not want to go back!!! Thank you, Alan, for your videos and knowledge it has really helped me a lot. I will be going back to counseling soon.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because I had low self esteem and thought I'd never find anyone else. A year after I finally left, I found out at least two guys were really in love with me back then but never said anything because they knew I was already taken. So I missed out on at least two potential amazing relationships because of my fear. Unfortunately they were already with another person by the time I found this out, but it made me realise there are always alternative paths and sometimes you are just blinded by what is familiar.
Very helpful tough love in this vid. I did find the courage and strong sense of self that allowed me to end a very unhealthy relationship. But just as you said, I've gotten a bit stuck in grieving it now that it's over. The sense of righteous anger is huge. It is getting better, but I'm surprised that the feelings are still this strong. If you have a chance to do a video on moving successfully through the grief process after ending a painful relationship, that would be great! Thank you!
Wow, that is very kind! I don't know about smartest, but I'll take the compliment! Lol. Please consider sharing this to help me spread the word to those who also need to hear this. We all deserve to grow and heal.
Thank you, this is brutal yet true. I am doing it because yes, I feel weak and I’m trying to build strength and the fact that we have kids, makes it difficult. But you are correct and this is true!
I seen this video many times and it brings comfort to me because it most accurately describes what my life has been like. I finally had enough and have filed for divorce. It sucks that I have to do it but it's either leaving or staying until it gets even more abusive.
Holy crap does this ever describe my 20yr relationship and 17yr marriage to a T! Currently trying to finally do something to escape, though sadly it now involves kids. Oh how I long for a time machine!
That must be hard to face how long it has been...20yrs is a very long time but give yourself some credit for Atleast recognizing it now and trying to Change it instead of still being in denial and going another 10 or 20 years...as for the kids...I get it...It is extremely heartbreaking to think about what they are and will be going through but think of the life lesson you will be teaching them...you will be teaching them to be strong people, to take steps to change a situation if they don't like it, you will be showing them your strength and showing them that you have the power to make change....it's scary but Soo worth it!!
What if everything you said indeed is true? My husband has been failing me at least the 10 years of our 17 years marriage. He is becoming like a second child , depending on me financially, basically for his existence. We have been to therapy many times . I am the responsible adult & he is the free child. I am suffering from severe ME/ fibromyalgia because I have had to endure so much pressure to keep a roof over my family. I am 50 now and literally can’t carry 3 people in this relationship any longer ( myself , him & our son ). Why am I not leaving ? Simply because he refuses to leave unless I give him 50% of everything that I inherited & worked so hard for . I refuse to pay him a penny that he hasn’t worked for or contribute to . I have no energy physically or mentally to fight in the courts. Everything we have is from 15 years ago when I was a dr & worked hard. Now I am disabled with severe pain and can’t go back or forth
Stuck, isolated in a village miles from anywhere with an older woman who treats me like pet/son/carer, the sexual, relationship died years ago,,, I lost my job in manchester she suggested let's move to Scotland together🙄an adventure, ,, she has money, I dont, I've lost my hotel job in local Scottish hotel since lockdown ,I feel so trapped, no friends or family anymore, I don't know what to do,
Thank you so much for your advice and insight. You have really pointed out such a profound area of my life that makes me feel bad and responsible for my actions but also gives me a renewed sense of hope and peace that I haven't felt in over 5 years.
Jade, we all begin where we begin. Starting with kindness towards yourself is important. The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Sheesh! Hard to listen to a verbal mirror of my life exactly. Thank you so much, you have encouraged me to take affirmative action TODAY. When she gets home, it’s time for the conversation 🤨
This is so my current situation...Egg shells daily...He doesn't trust anything I do but yet won't leave me alone...He is worried that I will be happy with someone else...Everything i do he claims I am with a man ...I am so tired of this ...I want to join church this week but he will accuse me of being with a man while in sitting in church I am soooooo disgusted
I'm just in the looping. It´s sad and exhausting because I had found another place to live with my son but gave it up after feeling weak. I just couldn´t bare to take responsibility to end the marriage. Now I keep looking at the photografs of the my former new house and thinking what it could have been if I had actually moved.
thanks for the feedback. glad to hear this is a strong video. If this content interests you then you may also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and explain them in a way that is accessible. Glad it brings you benefit. If this content is helpful, you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Man it sucks to be on the receiving end of a partner who blames blames blames and shows no accomodation /remorse or compassion. It's so right what you said about it being a trap... You cannot win as the more hurt you feel the less kind you want to be so the cycle goes on and on. It begs the question though does the angry one always just want out in this situation ? Or could the relationship be salvaged if they recognise the destructiveness of their way of communicating? Grateful for any thoughts on this one. Thanks.
ooooh it really is all about bad boundaries. Me not being able to set and stand up for the boundaries and standards i need in my life in a loving and consistent way.
Glad you like this one and thank you for the kind words. Since you like this video you may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
oh wow Cindy. Thanks for the love and compliments. I'm glad we can break the cycle after 25 years. The habitual patterns can be challenging to interrupt. I get it. Keep going. And thank you for valuing my videos and the effort it took to create them. I'm glad this one is of benefit to you. Please consider showing your support for the value offered by checking out my Sustaining Supporter page where you can commit to a donation for my channel. Glad you like my videos. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Sometimes I feel jealous of people who comes from strong and supportive families. Especially as a woman I feel like I have no family to temporarily fall back on. This makes my situation very scary. Support groups aren’t the same thing unfortunately 😢
I hear you. Many people can relate with having these obstacles. I can imagine it can be challenging. This comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for the comment. If you like this content then you may also like joining us in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
WOw!!! This has been me for sure.. Thinking it was SO 's fault if they just changed.. But it's me! Time to become more independent and focus on self... Initiating the ending..Thanks for this..
I hear you. Good for you. Your attitude and focus is what we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, along with the 8-week Program. To learn more, you can go to www.alanrobarge.com/community
Boundaries and acceptance of the need to end the relationship. That's what was so hard for me, I did all these things because it seemed easier than having boundaries and not accepting abuse and I blamed him for my inability to leave
Reflecting this way is helpful and you have good awareness. Many people find creating boundaries challenging. Since this video sparked reflection, you might be interested in joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. Boundaries is one of the ongoing topics of discussion we have. The base of the community is built on Self-Directed Healing, which means members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. You get to pick what you want to focus on. Also getting support from others who are also learning can be helpful. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, if you are interested in learning about attachment behaviors and building new relating skills you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. We can understand ourselves and others more by learning the different ways we respond to attachment distress. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I'm in a dead end relationship with a man that I've known my whole life. We've been together ten years and have four children together. He's the immature silly guy and I'm the practical responsible woman. He just won't grow up and take responsibility as a father or significant other. He makes excuses for every serious issue. Our children doesn't even take him seriously because he doesn't make them a priority. I'm exhausted and just want out. Every time I bring up co-parenting he says we're in this forever and he loves our family. Love is just a word when action isn't behind it. We don't go out as a family. He's not romantic. I am vibrant and adventurous. He is use to the same routine. I just want to live, travel and be happy. He's content with work and going down the basement doing whatever. I just do not have the patience any longer.
Thank you for your meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. I hear you. These can be challenging dynamics to navigate. Glad this video spoke to you. If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I stuck it out for 28 years… It got to a point that I couldn’t breathe anymore. Currently separated for the last five years, it’s a new adjustment being alone, but with him I was extremely lonely. So I am better off being able to breathe in my own space.🧘🏾
Alan, I only 'discovered' you recently and it's as if you knew all my ex relationship's problems. It's uncanny. Had a lot of attachment trauma the last couple of days and wanted to get in touch with her, but this video has acted as a reminder why she wouldn't want to hear from me 😕
Thank you for watching and for sharing. These can be difficult dynamics and feelings to navigate. Working with anger is something we explore in-depth in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It is part of a larger process of healing from attachment trauma. How not to become cynical about anger, grief, love, and relationships is a good goal to begin the journey. In the Community we also talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. If a deeper conversation is something you are interested in exploring around these topics, you are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates. Please also share this video with others who may like it. Thanks.
Bobvita, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
So many comment on this one! I would love to hear how it's going now, a year later. I've been cycling for years. This describes me. It's a bit shameful. But validation of my situation. I need to begin taking action. (I bought one more save your marriage book last week) It says I must have an attitude of determination to have a wonderful marriage. Im stopped right there. Maybe this is the miracle. Detatch.
Thanks for that feedback. Yes, it is work and self-commitment. Many people find it helpful to learn alongside others. Since you liked this video you may also like to join the Improve Your Relationships community. To learn more click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks Alan you got me your spot on yep she's a narcissist that's what I have been doing that's what I have been waiting for even told her I want her to tell me to go! I gotta take control thanks!!!
You described me to a T I live to obliterate my spouse after 30 years of misery. I'm completely aware of the stupidity of it and the ugliness but I'm not ready to move from this place yet...lol
The one thing I have not seen addressed is someone or a couple who married because kids involved or couples who married because of a stalker or because it was basically a marriage into thinking it was a good idea. You know, marrying someone you knocked up by accident. Maybe there is , I just need to look more
Many of us can relate to that sadness. These situations can certainly be difficult to navigate. You may be interested in learning more about the attachment distress responses by taking the quiz I created here: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Thanks for your comment and encouragement to you in your healing journey.
@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank u . It is really reassuring. I thought I was losing my mind. The anger has engulfed my entire personality, and I used to be a very quiet and gentle person. Once again thank you 🙏🙏
Oh my god, everything you said made me think oh my god that's me...:( makes me so sad, now i need to do something about it! I totally needed this wake up call, thank you
Amanda, I hear you. I see your focus and good for you for allowing awareness. That means healing can take place. I'm glad this video resonated and many of us can relate with the toxic anger. You're not alone. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’ve been in this loop for over 3 years but instead of me bitching, its him and his dear friends bitching over me everyday for 3 years straight. If I don’t deserve his love then why dont they find someone better and leave me peace?
Thank you Alan, This was so affirming to me. I felt like listening to this gave me the acknowledgement that I needed, and a strong reminder to look back at me. I subscribed and will continue to watch your very on point videos. Mrs. Taguchi "When you point your finger there are 3 fingers pointing back at you". -proverb
Glad you find value in this content. If this content is helpful then you may also find insight in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. To learn more take the quiz. Thanks for your feedback.
What should you do when the spouse lies and lies and lies and tries to make me think it is just me? I am not angry just crushed and heartbroken. Thank you.
I have applied for many jobs for many many many months and nobody called me. Sorry but I am not going out without a job. In the meantime, sorry, yes, I am mean and angry. I am DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET OUT
You're welcome. Glad this video was helpful. Please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships. Thank you for your comment and support.
I've been stuck here for eight years thinking that it's the best situation for the kids (disabled and literally could not have raised them alone). They're now old enough and I'm physically more stable to where I'm thinking of finally ending it, but I have no idea how I could find a job. I've tried just living together without caring, but I'm constantly in this anger loop. Is there any way to get past the hurt and live civilly with someone who you once cared deeply for, or does this endless soul prostitution just end up killing us and turning is into the worst possible monster of ourselves? I'd hoped that I could let go eventually, but it's so incredibly hard to do when you're constantly being emotionally triggered.
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
You're welcome. Glad you liked this one. You might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for the comment. For a deeper dive on how we get stuck you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I appreciate this video so much. It chapped my ass the whole video in the best way and spoke to me directly. However, I do feel like you’re lacking one piece you aren’t validating anything we, the partner not receiving any love is feeling. Those feelings are still valid. 😊
You're welcome. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm in the process of making the decision to leave. It's been a long haul.....but at this point anything is better than the status quo....time to put the big boy pants on.
oldsarge2000, Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
What is it really when the person yells at me and I end up losing it and then tells me to leave then I leave willingly and everything revolves around me financially yet it doesn't..idk what to do anymore it's been 8yrs and idk how to go and separate fully
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Thank You
Alan, I have to say you really know relationships inside and out. You have been so helpful to so many.
Anger is just a stage of grieving. The relationship was born dead. It's like trying to hold and hug a still born baby who you desperately wanted. But never really were allowed to enjoy. Yes, it was in the earliest stage alive, because you fed it through the umbilical cord. You were it's source. But it died, unbeknownst to you in the moment. And when you're suddenly made aware that there's nobody there now. You are alone. You asserted all the right energy, gave all you could and believed for the best case scenario. But in the end, you have to accept... it is what it is.
Bury that baby, and mourn, and wake up tomorrow and start fresh. Breath. Every day. In and out. You'll go on and learn from it and eventually get better and have life. Stay in reality. Exactly. Present in the present moment. Enjoy today.
very true
I hadn't thought of it this way but your comment helped me realize this truth on a whole new level. It unlocked something for me. Thank you for this!
@@JennaKErickson thank you for commenting, I'm happy to hear I helped somebody. You know, all life's tests and trials are for us to grow through, then share whatever we learned because we not only survived but thrived. Pass it forward. 🤗💗
Very confident you “asserted all the right energy”. Possibly a swing and a miss? Seems like a cop out and and deflection.
Wow that was great. I felt that!❤️
Very painful to hear this stuff.... because it’s all true.
It's been 1 year and I'm miserable. Sorry about anyone going through this for longer
14 years... smh
Wow! This was everything I didn’t know I needed! I’ve been stuck in this “ looping cycle “ for YEARS now and ironically never thought once to look deeper at myself 🤦🏽♀️
Glad to hear you found this video helpful. Thank you for that feedback. Many of us can relate with getting stuck in the looping cycle. If this content is beneficial then consider taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. By building new relating skills and learning about attachment behaviors we can prepare and be proactive around attachment distress triggers. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I’ve been stuck in this type of relationship for 4 years now! I thought getting married would help things but nothing has changed! Now I have so much more to lose. Luckily we don’t have any kids.
I feel you on this and it's really painful and emotional
same, four years in and it needs to end. we were never compatible and it’s painful and miserable. i pray you aren’t in this relationship anymore, since your comment is from two years ago. 🙏🏼
@@bohemianslouch3749 unfortunately I am still in the relationship 🙁I just can’t see a way out. Did you end yours?
Same here
Same here. 12 yrs. Very unhappy, abusive. I can't leave.
What if the relationship on the surface itself is good, but deep inside you just feel like this is not the right person, and so it torments you, but you stay stuck because you rationalize this "gut feeling " away?
Deborah completely relate
Don’t answer feel same
I feel the same..
@@YourFuckingStupid me too 😒
#My life
Omg...yesss...I needed to hear this. My husband blames me soooo much. I feel very stuck in this marriage when I told him I want a divorce and he just won't give me that. It's sooo toxic. Thanks for explaining this behavior I been pondering on from the start.
Omg, he has walked up on my porch, knocked on my door and handed me my issues. What a mess I have waddled in for nearly 9 years? Vision, Plan, and Resources. Come on now? Talk to me!!!! Thank You
I have watched many videos from lots of different counselors, life coaches and psychologists. I got a lot out of everything and learned a lot but still felt stuck. Even went to counseling for a while and my therapist told me to start feeling comfortable being alone. He said do things alone that I like to do that she never was into. He gave me steps to heal like mindfulness, journaling and working on myself and my needs. Also, to start dealing with the attachment trauma that I have and that she will never change and stop thinking that I can rescue or fix her. After all that I still went back to the relationship many times. The fights the gaslighting, the arguments, the terrible behavior did not change for her, and I stayed stuck calling her a borderline and abusive. This is the only time I really saw my own behavior and thinking as toxic. Watching and listening to you explain how I can stay stuck, blame shaming, pointing fingers, playing victim is only hurting her and myself at the same time. Breaking the cycle and taking charge of my own life and responsibilities is so important for my healing and having a healthy happy future. Being co-dependent sucks because I allowed myself to think if I could only fix her or make her happy I in return would be happy. It never really worked; it always went bad. Over and over again the same old cycle of a toxic situation reoccurred. I felt trapped in my own bullshit with no way out. I am starting to realize my role in the toxic relationship and are taking steps to take care of myself away from her. If only I would have seen the red flags early and had better boundaries. It is not easy, taking action and responsibilities for my own thinking but I am working through it one day at a time. I do not want to go back!!! Thank you, Alan, for your videos and knowledge it has really helped me a lot. I will be going back to counseling soon.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for years because I had low self esteem and thought I'd never find anyone else. A year after I finally left, I found out at least two guys were really in love with me back then but never said anything because they knew I was already taken. So I missed out on at least two potential amazing relationships because of my fear. Unfortunately they were already with another person by the time I found this out, but it made me realise there are always alternative paths and sometimes you are just blinded by what is familiar.
Sucks to suck
Very helpful tough love in this vid. I did find the courage and strong sense of self that allowed me to end a very unhealthy relationship. But just as you said, I've gotten a bit stuck in grieving it now that it's over. The sense of righteous anger is huge. It is getting better, but I'm surprised that the feelings are still this strong. If you have a chance to do a video on moving successfully through the grief process after ending a painful relationship, that would be great! Thank you!
I second that 💯
This is the Smartest Guy I have ever heard on TH-cam!
Wow, that is very kind! I don't know about smartest, but I'll take the compliment! Lol.
Please consider sharing this to help me spread the word to those who also need to hear this. We all deserve to grow and heal.
I agree. Alan, you are brilliant! So much of what you say resonates and it's helping me so much. Thank you.
Thank you, this is brutal yet true. I am doing it because yes, I feel weak and I’m trying to build strength and the fact that we have kids, makes it difficult. But you are correct and this is true!
I seen this video many times and it brings comfort to me because it most accurately describes what my life has been like. I finally had enough and have filed for divorce. It sucks that I have to do it but it's either leaving or staying until it gets even more abusive.
Holy crap does this ever describe my 20yr relationship and 17yr marriage to a T! Currently trying to finally do something to escape, though sadly it now involves kids. Oh how I long for a time machine!
A big problem when there are kids involved
That must be hard to face how long it has been...20yrs is a very long time but give yourself some credit for Atleast recognizing it now and trying to Change it instead of still being in denial and going another 10 or 20 years...as for the kids...I get it...It is extremely heartbreaking to think about what they are and will be going through but think of the life lesson you will be teaching them...you will be teaching them to be strong people, to take steps to change a situation if they don't like it, you will be showing them your strength and showing them that you have the power to make change....it's scary but Soo worth it!!
What if everything you said indeed is true? My husband has been failing me at least the 10 years of our 17 years marriage. He is becoming like a second child , depending on me financially, basically for his existence. We have been to therapy many times . I am the responsible adult & he is the free child. I am suffering from severe ME/ fibromyalgia because I have had to endure so much pressure to keep a roof over my family. I am 50 now and literally can’t carry 3 people in this relationship any longer ( myself , him & our son ). Why am I not leaving ? Simply because he refuses to leave unless I give him 50% of everything that I inherited & worked so hard for . I refuse to pay him a penny that he hasn’t worked for or contribute to . I have no energy physically or mentally to fight in the courts. Everything we have is from 15 years ago when I was a dr & worked hard. Now I am disabled with severe pain and can’t go back or forth
I'll be the first to volunteer to go inside the time machine the day it gets invented. I am plagued with such intense feelings of regret.
@@africanandproud6792 I hear that.
Stuck, isolated in a village miles from anywhere with an older woman who treats me like pet/son/carer, the sexual, relationship died years ago,,, I lost my job in manchester she suggested let's move to Scotland together🙄an adventure, ,, she has money, I dont, I've lost my hotel job in local Scottish hotel since lockdown ,I feel so trapped, no friends or family anymore, I don't know what to do,
Well that was a swift kick in the behind ! Thank you!!!! Sobering
hopefully in a good way. Glad you connected with this one.
Omg this was very good. I needed to hear this. I do have righteous anger and it isn't helping me. Thank you
Thank you so much for your advice and insight. You have really pointed out such a profound area of my life that makes me feel bad and responsible for my actions but also gives me a renewed sense of hope and peace that I haven't felt in over 5 years.
Jade, we all begin where we begin. Starting with kindness towards yourself is important. The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
WOW this is me! When I get home I will have my husband watch this video. It is time to end this relationship. thank you for showing me the light.
How did it go?
Sheesh! Hard to listen to a verbal mirror of my life exactly. Thank you so much, you have encouraged me to take affirmative action TODAY.
When she gets home, it’s time for the conversation 🤨
This is so my current situation...Egg shells daily...He doesn't trust anything I do but yet won't leave me alone...He is worried that I will be happy with someone else...Everything i do he claims I am with a man ...I am so tired of this ...I want to join church this week but he will accuse me of being with a man while in sitting in church
I am soooooo disgusted
I'm just in the looping. It´s sad and exhausting because I had found another place to live with my son but gave it up after feeling weak. I just couldn´t bare to take responsibility to end the marriage. Now I keep looking at the photografs of the my former new house and thinking what it could have been if I had actually moved.
This is a very strong video to make you realizes what is reality in Dysfunctional relationship
thanks for the feedback. glad to hear this is a strong video. If this content interests you then you may also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks for your comment.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are so bad ass! Thank you for all you do.
So true, so glad to hear this said in such a clear way, thank you.
Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these dynamics and explain them in a way that is accessible. Glad it brings you benefit.
If this content is helpful, you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Man it sucks to be on the receiving end of a partner who blames blames blames and shows no accomodation /remorse or compassion. It's so right what you said about it being a trap... You cannot win as the more hurt you feel the less kind you want to be so the cycle goes on and on.
It begs the question though does the angry one always just want out in this situation ? Or could the relationship be salvaged if they recognise the destructiveness of their way of communicating?
Grateful for any thoughts on this one. Thanks.
Very true but what if you keep having to remind them or bring up the bad communication with someone who has a learning disability?
Wow,, accurate and insightful, well done, and thank you.
ooooh it really is all about bad boundaries. Me not being able to set and stand up for the boundaries and standards i need in my life in a loving and consistent way.
Wow....I did that. It is totally nuts behavior 😳
Omg, this is so true!!!!! One of the best videos ever.
Glad you like this one and thank you for the kind words.
Since you like this video you may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Love this guy!!! Funny and so very true !!! 25 years of looping for me.. trying to break the cycle ..
oh wow Cindy. Thanks for the love and compliments. I'm glad we can break the cycle after 25 years. The habitual patterns can be challenging to interrupt. I get it. Keep going. And thank you for valuing my videos and the effort it took to create them. I'm glad this one is of benefit to you. Please consider showing your support for the value offered by checking out my Sustaining Supporter page where you can commit to a donation for my channel. Glad you like my videos. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Sometimes I feel jealous of people who comes from strong and supportive families. Especially as a woman I feel like I have no family to temporarily fall back on. This makes my situation very scary. Support groups aren’t the same thing unfortunately 😢
I hear you. Many people can relate with having these obstacles. I can imagine it can be challenging.
This comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for the video. Makes so much sense. It's a lot to take in.
Glad this video spoke to you. Thanks for the comment.
If you like this content then you may also like joining us in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I love the repetition of the four or 5 tips in every video.
Alan, you're saving lives. Thanks for your work!
Thank you for the encouraging comment.
THANK YOU FOR THESE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTHS.
truly. thank you for your work. it’s exactly what I needed to hear to begin moving forward. 🙏
WOw!!! This has been me for sure.. Thinking it was SO 's fault if they just changed.. But it's me! Time to become more independent and focus on self... Initiating the ending..Thanks for this..
I hear you. Good for you. Your attitude and focus is what we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, along with the 8-week Program. To learn more, you can go to www.alanrobarge.com/community
Boundaries and acceptance of the need to end the relationship. That's what was so hard for me, I did all these things because it seemed easier than having boundaries and not accepting abuse and I blamed him for my inability to leave
Reflecting this way is helpful and you have good awareness. Many people find creating boundaries challenging. Since this video sparked reflection, you might be interested in joining the Improve Your Relationships Community. Boundaries is one of the ongoing topics of discussion we have. The base of the community is built on Self-Directed Healing, which means members are encouraged to create their own healing plans. You get to pick what you want to focus on. Also getting support from others who are also learning can be helpful. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Also, if you are interested in learning about attachment behaviors and building new relating skills you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. We can understand ourselves and others more by learning the different ways we respond to attachment distress. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I'm in a dead end relationship with a man that I've known my whole life. We've been together ten years and have four children together. He's the immature silly guy and I'm the practical responsible woman. He just won't grow up and take responsibility as a father or significant other. He makes excuses for every serious issue. Our children doesn't even take him seriously because he doesn't make them a priority. I'm exhausted and just want out. Every time I bring up co-parenting he says we're in this forever and he loves our family. Love is just a word when action isn't behind it. We don't go out as a family. He's not romantic. I am vibrant and adventurous. He is use to the same routine. I just want to live, travel and be happy. He's content with work and going down the basement doing whatever. I just do not have the patience any longer.
Thank you for your meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. I hear you. These can be challenging dynamics to navigate. Glad this video spoke to you.
If you like this video then you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in the Community. You're welcome to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank you🙏🏽
Thank you I needed this message
I stuck it out for 28 years… It got to a point that I couldn’t breathe anymore. Currently separated for the last five years, it’s a new adjustment being alone, but with him I was extremely lonely. So I am better off being able to breathe in my own space.🧘🏾
I hear you. Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma God bless you Alan…You are helping to mend broken hearts and bring comfort and clarity to emotional trauma.
You start out so, almost, subtly, and then it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous I have to laugh. You're so right. Thank you!
the worst is this. thanks for saying what nobody else will! THANKS!
Alan, I only 'discovered' you recently and it's as if you knew all my ex relationship's problems. It's uncanny. Had a lot of attachment trauma the last couple of days and wanted to get in touch with her, but this video has acted as a reminder why she wouldn't want to hear from me 😕
You hit the nail on the head for me! This helped me so much.
Thank you for watching and for sharing. These can be difficult dynamics and feelings to navigate.
Working with anger is something we explore in-depth in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It is part of a larger process of healing from attachment trauma. How not to become cynical about anger, grief, love, and relationships is a good goal to begin the journey. In the Community we also talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. If a deeper conversation is something you are interested in exploring around these topics, you are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
My exact situation for 19 years! Thank you for making this video. I look forward to watching your other videos.
So what r u doing about it ?
Wow! I can see I have some work to do.
Me too!
YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT , NEVER HEARD THIS BETTER THAN THIS !!! 💜💜💜
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates. Please also share this video with others who may like it. Thanks.
Painfully true
Wow..... This was spectacular. This is my life exactly. I really needed to hear this. You are awesome. Soooo insightful.
Bobvita, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
So many comment on this one! I would love to hear how it's going now, a year later. I've been cycling for years. This describes me. It's a bit shameful. But validation of my situation. I need to begin taking action. (I bought one more save your marriage book last week)
It says I must have an attitude of determination to have a wonderful marriage. Im stopped right there.
Maybe this is the miracle. Detatch.
Damn, you're good! Ugh, Guess I really have to work on myself. Thanks :)
Thanks for that feedback. Yes, it is work and self-commitment. Many people find it helpful to learn alongside others. Since you liked this video you may also like to join the Improve Your Relationships community. To learn more click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks Alan you got me your spot on yep she's a narcissist that's what I have been doing that's what I have been waiting for even told her I want her to tell me to go!
I gotta take control thanks!!!
You described me to a T I live to obliterate my spouse after 30 years of misery. I'm completely aware of the stupidity of it and the ugliness but I'm not ready to move from this place yet...lol
Glad this video spoke to you. You have great awareness.
Very informative and straight to the point. Great. Just what I needed!
Wow! Alan. I needed to hear that. Thank you
Glad this was of benefit. You're welcome.
Key words being TRYING to break the cycle... wish you were a personal therapist lol. Will continue to follow ...
Wow ! Simply wow !
The one thing I have not seen addressed is someone or a couple who married because kids involved or couples who married because of a stalker or because it was basically a marriage into thinking it was a good idea. You know, marrying someone you knocked up by accident. Maybe there is , I just need to look more
Marriage sucks
The wrong marriage sucks!
For men there are few benifits.
Sad but true. End - the - relationship. Thanks for your insight
Many of us can relate to that sadness. These situations can certainly be difficult to navigate. You may be interested in learning more about the attachment distress responses by taking the quiz I created here: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thanks for your comment and encouragement to you in your healing journey.
I am in it right now 😢.I know this schould change, I should be the one taking steps to get out.
I hear you. Many of us have been there too.
@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma Thank u . It is really reassuring. I thought I was losing my mind. The anger has engulfed my entire personality, and I used to be a very quiet and gentle person.
Once again thank you 🙏🙏
Oh my god, everything you said made me think oh my god that's me...:( makes me so sad, now i need to do something about it! I totally needed this wake up call, thank you
Amanda, I hear you. I see your focus and good for you for allowing awareness. That means healing can take place. I'm glad this video resonated and many of us can relate with the toxic anger. You're not alone. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
On point again, Alan. You are a true gift to me and so many others. Wish I had found you sooner!!
Brutal. I crying now. This is me
Empathy to you.
This was so good. I wish I had someone to replace what he was suppose to be.
I’ve been in this loop for over 3 years but instead of me bitching, its him and his dear friends bitching over me everyday for 3 years straight. If I don’t deserve his love then why dont they find someone better and leave me peace?
Thanks you ...spot on!
Glad this video speaks to you.
Thank you Alan,
This was so affirming to me. I felt like listening to this gave me the acknowledgement that I needed, and a strong reminder to look back at me.
I subscribed and will continue to watch your very on point videos.
Mrs. Taguchi
"When you point your finger there are 3 fingers pointing back at you". -proverb
Thank you. This is gold !
Glad you find value in this content. If this content is helpful then you may also find insight in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. To learn more take the quiz. Thanks for your feedback.
Alan, you have nailed it. Thank you.
Glad this hit home for you. Thanks for valuing my work.
What should you do when the spouse lies and lies and lies and tries to make me think it is just me? I am not angry just crushed and heartbroken. Thank you.
I have applied for many jobs for many many many months and nobody called me. Sorry but I am not going out without a job. In the meantime, sorry, yes, I am mean and angry. I am DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO GET OUT
I hear you. One day at a time.
I sound like a monster. 😔😔😔
Thank you! This was very helpful and a good pep talk!!
You're welcome. Glad this video was helpful. Please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships. Thank you for your comment and support.
Wow. This hit home.
I really needed to hear this right . Thanks
Great job sir.
Very well done
This was very helpful thank you for your words brother!
I am glad it resonated for you Will.
I've been stuck here for eight years thinking that it's the best situation for the kids (disabled and literally could not have raised them alone). They're now old enough and I'm physically more stable to where I'm thinking of finally ending it, but I have no idea how I could find a job. I've tried just living together without caring, but I'm constantly in this anger loop. Is there any way to get past the hurt and live civilly with someone who you once cared deeply for, or does this endless soul prostitution just end up killing us and turning is into the worst possible monster of ourselves? I'd hoped that I could let go eventually, but it's so incredibly hard to do when you're constantly being emotionally triggered.
Standing Ovation!!!
Wow you’re AMAZING! Subscribed!🙌🏽
Thank you for valuing my content. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
This is like a prison..
I hear you.
That’s exactly what my spouse does. Toxic & abusive behavior.
Blame/anger dump
I can't believe I'm watching this as it's happening
Thank you so much! Thank you.
You're welcome. Glad you liked this one. You might also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wow!!!! I’m in this!
What do you actually mean by having “agency”? Thank you...
another very helpful video ty
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for the comment.
For a deeper dive on how we get stuck you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I now understand why men say don't get married.
What if children are involved ?
I appreciate this video so much. It chapped my ass the whole video in the best way and spoke to me directly. However, I do feel like you’re lacking one piece you aren’t validating anything we, the partner not receiving any love is feeling. Those feelings are still valid. 😊
Thank you for this
You're welcome. This topic also comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm in the process of making the decision to leave. It's been a long haul.....but at this point anything is better than the status quo....time to put the big boy pants on.
oldsarge2000, Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I needed to hear this
I'm glad this resonated with you. Help me spread the word and share it with someone you think might also need to hear this.
Thank You!
Glad you like this one. You're welcome. Please also share this video with a friend who may like it. Thanks.
What is it really when the person yells at me and I end up losing it and then tells me to leave then I leave willingly and everything revolves around me financially yet it doesn't..idk what to do anymore it's been 8yrs and idk how to go and separate fully
Very helpful!