He (or She) is Not Going to Change - Wake Up! The Relationship is Over (You need skills to end.)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 17 มิ.ย. 2017
- Hello. Thanks for checking out my TH-cam channel.
In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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Alan Robarge, LPC, Licensed Professional Counselor,
Attachment-Focused, Trauma-Informed,
Psychotherapist and Relationship Educator
Emotional Connections Matter!
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He (or She) is Not Going to Change - Wake Up! The Relationship is Over (You need skills to end.)
In this video, I talk about the reoccurring experience of looping in our own dysfunction and continuously asking ourselves the dishonest question, "Will my partner change?" The answer is, "No. They're not changing."
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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He (or She) is Not Going to Change - Wake Up! The Relationship is Over (You need skills to end.) - แนวปฏิบัติและการใช้ชีวิต
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
*What I've come to realize in my 60+ years of life is that I've never really missed the person when the relationship ended. What I missed and grieved was the loss of the dream of what I had imagined the relationship would eventually become.* Telling oneself the truth is the most painful starting point to recover from childhood abuse and consequential self-defeating behavior as an adult.
AFAskygoddess I too grieve the loss of a dream. 😭
Wow, could not have said it better! Thank you for sharing your valuable experience
Yes! That's it!
I have wrestled with the idea that I can somehow come up with a letter to tell everyone who has hurt me what they have done, that it is wrong, and turn situation around in a fashion that I do HAVE the last word AND WIN! Anyone else!
Telling oneself the has to be integrated in your life in order to grow, 60's is kind of late
"The fact that youw ork so hard to give a very strong presentation to get him on board, to go to therapy, to change, that says more about your codependency, and that you are medling in his life because you cannot look at your own profound grief and disappointment in the fact that you have picked the wrong partner." THE SLAP
Well said. We don't like to think/reflect on our own wrongdoings which are damaging us even more every time we repeat those patterns. I'm the perfect example. I am struggling now even to talk to men. I run away when my old coping mechanism reminds me how bad, insecure and unsafe my ex made me feel and the damage his discard had on me for many months. I'm terrified of trusting another human because of years of emotional rollercoaster + adhd + cptsd + ptsd. Very disturbing combination when you at 46 don't know anything anymore and your life before was all fantasy to crave everything you didn't receive during your childchood. I freeze when someone starts to like me romantically speaking, I'm looking for an exit/emergency door.
when I accepted the work of being alone, I almost immediately recovered
ALMOST immediately ‼️‼️‼️💫💫
How long are ppl supposed to be content with being alone?
@@Mrs.T305 5 years.
negrita305 Im thinking forever.. as scary as that sounds. Isn’t better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely 😩 Ralph Smart has a great video about that...very comforting. I’ll look for it and send the link.
@@Mrs.T305 better being on your own than with the wrong one have your own self worth
Really, during the relationship I was always alone.
Me too
Me too. He never made time for me.
Don't I know why I care.
Oh I do know why
It's because I can't handle my own loneliness.
Me too.doll
Me too...
I actually dont know what to do, apparently i shouldve gone some place else for some time
This was the most energizing hard slap on the face I’ve ever received.
Thank you.
Hard slap, yes. But not all of us can handle this guy's approach.
Yeah, this is victim blaming, or comes across this way.
*Gosh !* 💯 I so feel the same. Though you've articulated it so poetically and creatively. ♥️
Honestly
me too
"He knows where the library is, he knows where Barnes and Noble is!" Read me! LOLOL
isn't it so good hehehe
i try and imagine an unhealthy relationship like climbing a rope. The higher I climb and the tighter I hang on the harder I will fall making it more difficult to pick myself up and move on. I remind myself the fall will be more painful and take longer if I hang on so I need to let go while low enough to hit the ground on my feet not on my ass. it becomes a real problem if you climb so high you can't see the ground. many people won't let go because they don't think they will survive the fall.
Very well put.
Wow. That's brilliant.
Evennif its liw enough ,the fall onbhour ass is survivable,its the fall on your face 10 years later.
Wowww...brilliant metaphor
painfully true and wise
Great analogy! This helps me put things into perspective.
Four years of on and off. Ended the misery last month, it’s definite, never going back. Now I face loneliness and boredom too but try to expand my social circle, and watch videos like this. I had to laugh and cry at the same time. Thanks.
Did you stay strong?
Lisa G how have things worked out for you?
How are you doing now?
Same, 4 fucking years. On and Off!
Same 4 years! Have finally said enough is enough, hope i actually stick to it now!
Dang, Alan is lowkey savage. I'm gonna sub.
Total savage! 😄
I can’t handle my loneliness when he’s on the other side of the bed. My heart is broken.
I hear you. Try "tapping" on all the grief/anxiety/fear/guilt etc. It helped me.
@@christianone6611 what is tapping? Would like to know...
@@donnamariedavidson5065 Emotional Freedom Technique, or E.F.T. for short. Tapping calms your nervous system down while you reprogram your mind...so it's much more effective than just talk therapies. It's been used successfully for HUGE ranges of conditions. Soldiers with PTSD have been healed, anxiety disorders, chronic pain etc etc.
There are hundreds or thousands of FREE TH-camr videos you can tap along with. I tap along with Brad Yates on various topics and Pitbull mindset mostly. I'm Christian so I change some of the wording of the scripts used.
Tapping helped my sister heal from a chronic condition and so I tried it. I thought it was stupid at first and it was 30-60 hours before I saw results but then big changes started happening FAST. It helped me move 1,000 miles from my abusive partner and heal.
Same. :(
I guess you should be thankful he is in your bed and not someone elses.
Right mate???
5:57 For people who were not sufficiently attached to their mother, acknowledging that the partner is wrong for them makes them feels like they will fall into a great abyss of loneliness and live a life of being detached from the world. So it's hard to accept that letting go is the right answer.
My biological mother gave me up as a baby. My adopted mother was an alcoholic and was verbally and physically abusive. I've been in and out of abusive relationships...same thing. Don't wait! DO IT NOW! I'm 65 and can't do it now. Traumatic wasted life!
That’s me
Exactly
@@paulalane8638 Another adoptee here. I did not understand as a young child in my adoptive family that I wasn't just a guest in the house. I remember forming the view early on that the difference between me and my parents was one of height and we had a sort of co-living situation. I did not have a concept of what nurturing was, and just basically went about my business.
I've been dishonest with myself for 29 years. As painful as it is to let go, that's what I'm doing. My "partner" obviously doesn't want a relationship with me, so why should I delude myself any longer? Thank you for all your videos, Alan.
hope after this year you are doing well!:)
God bless you
♥️😔
I'm 28 years married to a man who doesn't want to change either. If they act like they don't want a relationship, why don't they leave? I wonder if 90% of men lose interest in their relationship?
Very careful...some say ok i will do therapy and books when i was about to leave..so i called his bluff said ok lets go! He did it for two weeks then stopped. Now no groups, no therapy, no book. He is falling back into his old ways of icy coldness, emotional disatchment and cheating ...again. Its a real cycle. I move onto a beautiful apartment on tuesday. Buhbye!
I can relate. Experienced similar in a toxic relationship. Funny thing-my ex’s vehement refusal to participate in counseling and his insistence that all the problems and his unhappiness were all my fault-he did me a huge favor. His non-cooperating convinced me the relationship wasn’t salvageable. I walked away without looking back. To this day I feel no guilt or regrets.
I will be in Europe! Turn social distancing up a notch! 😊 lol
If you even have to think about changing someone that should be a sign that they’re not for you. The right person will have the right qualities and do the right thing from the beginning ❤️
I don’t think they exist🫤
Ah, nope. Everyone has to change slightly or moreso in a relationship. That's just a way of saying "I don't have to ever change to be with someone", which can be an excuse for all sorts of shitty behaviour.
I was bawling when I first watched this video last year. This video was like a slap to the face (in the best way possible!) and my catalyst to realizing my marriage and all the pain needed to end. Now 2 months into the divorce process I came back to this video and it has me just laughing and shaking my head at how blind I was that I could not realize the toxic cycle and looping of my own making.... this video is the best wake up call I have ever seen. I am convinced Alan Robarge is an angel sent from heaven with his incredible insights and the blunt but caring delivery. Thank you Alan for making this video and saving me what could’ve been several more years of my life and sanity!!!💗
Hi, are you still single?
Well done. You are not alone🙏
This video should be mandatory after every breakup. Thank you!
I agree!💯
Holy cow! Love where you say "he doesn't need you to be his case manager." That was ME! I would buy him books, schedule counseling etc. it would keep me on the hook because he'd go and pretend to get it and want to make changes.
Debbie Loafea wao me too lol
Debbie Loafea me three!
Sadly and manipulatively, these types know “Hope” is the last thing to die! He saw and even pointed out to me this same dynamic with my parents...he recognised how I continued to do anything to gain their approval, their love and in turn knew I’d be the same with him. Until that is, I woke up and recognised his narcism and sociopathy. It’s been a roller coaster ride, but I’m relieved to confirm I’m through to the other side of this traumatising journey. Now I’m working towards my degree to become a certified Psychotherapist, one who can help not just via text books but from hard earned wisdom from personal experience. Wishing the best of luck to all on your own journeys.🙏💙
That's me too.. wow I see the folly of my ways
Omg I’m going thru that are all men just not being taught at home
Thank you for this video. I broke it off with guy who showed so many red flags: hot/cold, dishonest, neglectful, not interested in me, breadcrumbing....
this is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you. gotta start taking responsibility for picking the wrong people for me & trying to fix/heal them. it's unhealthy, feels misaligned, and causes nothing but stress and a lack of fulfillment.
Joy, I hear you. Many of us can relate. That one-sided relating is so frustrating and tiring. You have good awareness. Good for you realigning with your values. We can get stuck when we're unaware of how our distress shows up in relationships. This video dovetails nicely into a quiz I created, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. You can find out what your response is to distress and it can also help with understanding others responses as well. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Also, we talk about topics like this in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. If you are interested in sparking this conversation you're invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Well, if this doesn't get the message across, I don't know what will.
I am so grateful that by some miracle I reached the end of my rope and was able to end a toxic relationship that I had stayed in for ten whole years. That was almost a whole year ago. The grieving process has been very challenging, but I'm happy to report that I definitely see light at the end of the tunnel. This is a great video, Alan. Thank you so much for being vulnerable enough to admit that you, too, have been down this frustrating and often painful road. You're more than a therapist. You're a friend.
Mike Lambert yes and to think we have them 10 years- I’m still mad at myself
26 years. Damn. 😢
Yep you should move on.... i m practically out.... and a 'rekindle' wil make a break aparent
Wow, congrats on eventually getting out.❤️
That was so sweet! I'm leaving my husband of 10 years and it hurts and it's hard but I know this is not a life I can stand to live for the next 60 years.
This truth is so very hard for us who are more optimistic and see in others what we want them to see in us, that if we are loved and cherished and encouraged then a beautiful relationship can happen. This is such a struggle with mindset.
Yep. This is me. Crap.
Keeping my boundaries up and trying to fight the addiction to my ex is one of the hardest things I've ever done. The anxiety and depression is like a drug withdrawal. Wanting to call or text but knowing its for the best if I don't. Knowing the relationship is toxic. But sitting here wondering what I could've done differently, why it has to be this way. Its no wonder I don't do drugs, I'd die from withdrawal lol. I have to accept this lonely feeling and find my self again and find out who I am so I can manage on my own. At the very least, the arguing has stopped and it's peaceful.
I feel like I could have written this myself. Loved a woman with FA attachment. It was crushing. I watch this video every time I think of reopening that door
You’re not alone, the withdrawal is going to be hell for me😢
How did you manage
I applaud your self-awareness and courage! You got this. Hope all is well with you!
So true in every on of my avoidant anxious relationships. For many emotionally unavailable, avoidant men I’ve met, self help is avoided because it feels emasculating. To improve internally means to get vulnerable enough to see how past trauma got them here. This is painful for those who were shamed or punished for expressing emotions early on. To improve externally, however, is a nice way to work around the legitimate issues while convincing yourself that you’re still doing “self work”. Breaking exercise records. Acquiring new skills. New toys. Projects. All gorgeous adornments for the garbage can that they’ve let themselves remain. The cherry on top is that, to avoid being called on the rubbish within, they’ll ardently spotlight yours saying you’re the one who needs to change. And sometimes it’s true. Both parties need to do work. But something is amiss when only one admits their trauma based habits. Projection makes great space between yourself and the things you need to clean up in your own life. Avoidants love this tactic. The scary thing is how those doing it don’t even realize that they are half the time. But if you ever feel like you’re going crazy because they never admit that they’re wrong or apologize, just remember: they know they’re wrong. Honestly. Think about it. If they truly were secure and believed you were wrong all the time, they wouldn’t stay. They would have better things to do. Cut you off. No breadcrumbs. No 2 AM texts or calls. But they need you. They need you to be their ego cheerleader when they finally stop moving. Their eternal yes man. Their safety net. That pot on the back burner, boiling over love and validation whenever they check on it. Everyone else called them on their BS and left. But you stayed. So, they’ll take that - if that’s all there is around. And that’s all you are to them when you’re the anxious party with an avoidant counterpart in a toxic off and on coupling. A backup plan. They were your blanket and you were their plan B.
My question: when you see a reformed avoidant end up in what appears to be a secure and happy relationship after you - what is that a function of? Did they just find someone secure with better boundaries and it forced them to straighten up and fly right?
Great insights and exploration. Thank you for valuing my video. I'm glad this one resonates and/or sparks thoughts. The type of question you ask here is the type of question we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are often looking at patterns and questioning the "how" of healing work.
You are invited to join us - to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating.
Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
MissAshleyPants my belief is people change when they are ready. But don’t be fooled, many times it’s a facade and those new relationships crumble too. I’ve seen it with my ex. She’s avoidant but also codependent due to her mental illness
My only issue here with your comment is that an anxious avoidant personality is not gender specific. I think what you meant to say about men being afraid to “emasculate” is essentially an avoidant person having intense fear to critique their own ego. I probably have met an equal number of ladies with avoidant personalities. At the core, what I personally find so disturbingly selfish about both polar ends of the attachment spectrum is the lack of perspective of the self and of others.
@@spedhead218 I never said it was. I said with the men I’ve met who are avoidant, that’s what I have noticed. My experience.
Self-help emasculating? That's so interesting because all the people I've met who are into self-help are men. You're with the wrong guy for sure!
Sheeet that was some tough love... but definitely hit the nail on the head of my recently terminated 7-year relationship. It's hard to hear this video because its hard to accept that the person you’re with and love just isn’t right for you. Regardless of how wonderful they are, if it’s not the right fit, you kinda can’t fake it or fix that. Always felt like my relationship was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.. it just doesn’t work but you pretend that that’s not the case and just try to jam it in there by any means necessary. This video’s basically like yeah stop doing that..
Amera, The reason I created the membership community because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Like living with an alcoholic, while you're still there, whining about him, he doesn't need to change. Life is short.
soundofroz - YES!!!!
Yup that's me today i blocked him ...i can't do it ...no more .nor fix him but I don't deserve this
He won't change and hasn't ! It's been 7 years of hell
.i need to love myself more and know no one can love me but me .
Where were you 25 years ago??? Alan, you are the best! I love your delivery and your authenticity. You make me laugh at what I knew to be true but would not accept. Thank you.
Watching again. I'm responsible for those last 56 views. Lol This is so on point and low key tough Mama love! Dragged me rn.
Me too I watched a year ago several times and guess what I going through this pain hell again new guy.
Same. I’ve watched probably 20 times in a row. Alan is so comforting, it’s like listening to my best friend tell me what I need to hear.
This is so true! we want to hold on to the fantasy that if we only show him how much healing he needs, he will "get it", and we can "rescue" him! Then, all will be well. And he will thank us for saving him.
It's a dream and fantasy that we have to let go of It can be difficult to hear. But nonetheless, we need to hear it over & over again so we "get it". And begin to take care of ourselves. And allow him to take care of himself. You're right. He's not going to change. And we should Stop trying to be his social worker trying to get him into therapy. He needs to be responsible for his own emotional life. It's not our job to fix him!
We need to work on ourselves....to be emotionally healthy. Many people get stuck on this fantasy of change. Thank you Dr. Robage! Empathy to everyone going through this! God bless! 💕❤️
Hello Alan , this on and off relationship , and its him who pulls back from me everytime we get close and says, we arent suited as a couple , he has told me this since 2008 but because of my abandonment issues from childhood , i don't accept is and i cannot seem to let him go completely, now i know why i have been doing this dance for 9 years , too be honest i am miserable when we start connecting because i know he is not right for me yes, thankyou for providing some skills neccessary to stop this tourture we go through.
Michelle judd 🙏🏻 thank you for sharing this
OMG....I am a social worker and though I promised myself years ago I would leave it at work I AM STILL TAKING IT HOME! So needed to hear this today. And whats more, how disrespectful and arrogant of us to push for them to change and give unsolicited advice. Instead like you stated, of taking responsibility for OUR poor choices and moving on in a loving way. A way that is loving to us, and ultimately to them! Thank you Alan!
And he isn't your "twin flame" either so stop watching those videos that tell you your "divine masculine" is working on himself but just needs a little more time. Such baloney.
That twin flame stuff can be dangerous.
@@NamasteDivineFem4 Alan has a video on that too. th-cam.com/video/LZtF50MqPn0/w-d-xo.html
Bonnie Irvin This was my painful realization too! It’s basically encouraging people to stay in an abusive relationship.
You read my mind. I was in that trap because it made sense after it had ended. Omg I wish I had those 3 years back of believing he'd awaken and remember our divine connection and come running back. Even after I snapped out of it and saw the dangerous cycle of that theory and jumped that TF ship I still thought he'd heal and return. Now I believe he is dismissive avoident (they run and run). And I can't fix him or trust he'll fix himself. Moving onnnn...
True.Very,very rarely do they change. Its a possible miracle,just like winning the lottery.
Wow, I feel so exposed after listening to this. Although a painful truth, this confirms that moving on is the best path for me.
Finally got this one. Ended it today. We are both broken. Finally told him my truth. I am bored and fed up with this karmic cycle. I am so done! Healing myself and thrilled to say I am finally a recovering codependant.
Yesssss Alan! He was the wrong partner for me. Gosh we lie to ourselves.. I’m embarrassed for the lie I told myself that kept me hanging on to hope all on my lonesome! Love love this!! ❤️
You hung on because you loved him. Never beat yourself over that.
Lisa Luster I wish I had loved him, but I didn’t Lisa. I loved the idea of him loving me.
I'm even more crazy than thinking he'll change. I actually think there's something wrong with me and that's why he doesn't love me. So I just keep trying to make myself good enough but I never am. 😢
You are good enough right now.
Yep. I "auditioned" for 3 years, thinking if I was patient enough, loving enough, forgiving enough, he'd realize I was the "one" for him. I worked so hard for him, when it needed to be for me the whole time.
God! I need to listen to this everyday to remind myself. I just broke up with my ADHD boyfriend last month as I had enough of taking care of him and reminding him about his med and therapy. It has to come from his own willingness. He’s not a bad person and having ADHD is not his fault but to get better or searching for therapy is his responsibility, not mine.
Hello there fo you need help to fix all kinds of problems in your relationship including getting your ex husband, girlfriend, boyfriend crush within 3 days ???
Contact father right* away
Text him now through whatszpp
He is indeed a problem solve contact him!!
Thank you so much
I admit, I've done all these things. Maybe he needs therapy, social work, to stop the addictions. But it's not my job to be his case manager. I'm going to listen to this a million times if needed...
I’m going to put this on, every night, before bed... hypnosis style.
Yes! My thought process HAS been ridiculous towards this blatantly obvious, wildly painful, disrespectful, avoidant man. No nourishment here.
TRUTH. Not a soul mate that needs healing and to see the light. Not a ‘runner twin’. Just an outright awful, painful, miserable reality that I want peace from, that I want distance from.
I am not anyone’s case manager or social worker...but my OWN.
Time to make other plans. Like meeting new people and moving on.
You’re right. I don’t know how to end it. I know it needs to end. But I’m afraid of the other side.
What you are saying about us begging someone we are not compatible with back- but really not wanting them deep inside is true.
I remember trying to convince an ex that we should get back together.
When he finally was okay with it, i remember feeling really no excitment at all.
Which was strange because as i was begging to rekindle things i was genuinely convince i loved him and needed him. Once he said yes it's almost like 1percent of me wished he did not say yes.
I do not know.
I was deeply lonely and I needed to feel a void but i thought it is him i wanted when really i did not even like nor respect him for treating me poorly.
Long story short we were incompatible and he definitly was not the one.
I wish instead of staying 10 months i left the first week.
Amber, Many of us can relate to this desire to move on and be done with it. We explore this idea and learn more about it in depth in the community of Improve Your Relationships. Answering the "how to" is complex and rooted in many things we do on a daily basis. With the Self-Directed Healing approach I developed, you are in charge of how you engage the material of "how to". Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’m trying to look at this from my wife’s side and I can see where I wasn’t the most intimate person. I know every relationship is different but we did everything together, we had great vacations, we loved to go out to eat, we hiked and literally climbed a mountain together, we got healthy and exercised together, we moved to a new state, bought a new house last year. She woke up one day and said I’m done and never said anything prior. She doesn’t want therapy or try to make it work after 20 years. It’s gonna be a long road.....
My empathy goes out to you. This does sound like a challenging situation; you're not alone in this experience or your emotions. Many of us have seen, felt, and been a part of something very similar.
We deserve to heal from this. Doing so is much easier when you are surrounded by support from others who understand and can relate to your thoughts and emotions. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. www.alanrobarge.com/community
So good. Love how candid you are in this delivery.
I'm so guilty of chasing mirages. This video is great. Saved for the inevitable future. Thanks man.
I do miss the person, I never cared about the dream, only about the soul.
A Swann same
After nine years in a toxic relationship, one day it became clear, I had nothing to say to him. I suspect we both knew it was time to end it but neither of us wanted to be the dumper. So we phased out. I missed the routine but not the relationship. Glad I didnt invest more time thinking he might change. We were a toxic mix. I knew it a long time before it ended. Its like an addiction.
Hey how are you now? :)
You are not responsible for how other people feel/feel about you.
You might have developed the urge to repair others during your upbringing and it really might have been necessary for you in childhood. But now, things are different. You are free. Wishing you all the best.
AMEN! So glad the universe and divine intervention lead me to this video. I had to let go of someone at the end after figuring out deep inside myself what's best for me. Thanks!
Thank you so much Alan for this wonderful video. I have known too well that nothing will change and that I am wasting yrs of my life. But it's exactly that, the fear of being alone, not being wanted or not believing in yourselves own worth is what has been keeping me in the same loop for yrs. Plus of course worrying about my kids going through another heartache or feeling abandoned. So you stay waiting for some change. I need to look through your videos to see if you have topic "how to love yourself and remove yourself from codependent relationship ". Thank you again. I am happy I have found your channel. I hope to get the courage and strength to move forward in cutting the attachment cords soon. 🙏
It took most of this past year to really see the reality I was living in. All the bubbles were burst and all the grieving is done now. I’ve never felt more authentic in my whole life! Everything you said in this video was exactly what I learned on my recovery journey. I could have recorded this same video today, LOL! It echoes all I have learned. Thank you for this!
This is such a hard video to watch but necessary. I appreciate it. I need to change and not try to change other people. In this video I realized I have avoidant and anxious attachments issues as well. I am very happy to have found your chanel thank you so so much!!
no fear of being alone...but more like..... 1.) a stubborn belief that folks CAN learn healthy relationship skills ..and 2. a difficulty in coming across all the basics in another you need...given your own strengths/weaknesses. So when someone comes close...not perfection..just the healthy basics u need.....except for 1 major thing...a thing that seems changeable....you might hope a little longer than ya should.
Thank you! Some of the best advice I have ever heard!
This video is amazing. I wish I would have stumbled across this 2 years ago, but now I have and it has hammered in it's message. I know I will need to rewatch this when I begin to feel so completely overwhelmed, alone, and regretful for ending a relationship that could have gotten better. But it never did and I know it never will. Thank you so much for this video!
I need your video to play on a loop in my head instead of the loop I play that says:
He'll move out of his parent's house (he's 45), he'll get off meth, he'll stop chasing women, he'll stop avoiding me, I just need to lose more weight (I've lost 145 lbs), I'll get ANOTHER makeover, I'll drag him to church, I'll drag him to the addiction doctor AGAIN, I'll get us a house, I'll cook more, I'll get a 3rd job, I'll......
This was exactly what I needed right at this very moment. Thank you for sharing. It's truly a gem.
Thank you, Alan, once again. It all makes so much sense. I watch this video nearly every day to serve as a critical reminder. It's like I've been hell-bent on hurting myself for the past decade, dating and pursuing entirely the wrong people, hoping they'd change to finally meet my emotional needs. Your video puts it perfectly into words. I especially liked when you said - "Make other plans for your life. Quit wasting your life!!" - and this is now my intention. Your content inspires change!
When I listen to this, I keep hearing "HE'S" and instead of thinking about my gf not changing, I just hear about issues with myself. Very ironic and insightful.
...AND YOU SHOW DEEP EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE..AND COGNITIVE (VERY RARE ;))
He's my son and the very example of my deceased father.
I watched this first about 8 months ago, and it really spoke to me. I rewatched it over and over until December when I decided to leave a really unfulfilling and unhappy relationship. You are so right, he won't change, but I can.
Carolyn, I am glad this video was so helpful in supporting you over that long of time!
You are really speaking to me. I've even made binders on how to be a better partner. Tons of books. Tons of therapy requests. I am working on my abandonment issues and my attachment issues, but I have such an issue letting go of emotionally absent relationships. I love your message. You are an angel for making this. I feel like a good friend is speaking to me. ❤️
CarolynMarie, I am glad this resonates for you. Thank you for valuing this work. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage the Weekly Planner with an on-going commitment, pro-actively following through with the monthly Project Rewire Challenges, participate in the Love Yourself Tuesday reflections, the Let's Do a Little Research suggestions, and the Community Journal posts.
On Saturdays there is a weekly prompt for "What did you learn this week?" which is a way to revisit and circle back around to reference that week's Weekly Planner. This is a self-accountability component of the program and is totally different from either therapy or reading books on their own (though both are a great adjunct to the work we do in community!)
Sharing our stories in the community and more importantly offering support and encouragement to others all support ways to feel connected and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
Finally, the various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Phew. That is a lot to engage with, but many have found it so powerful to begin to enter the conversation with others who are working with the same material.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
‘The fantasy of change’
Yes. This.
And no more!
I needed this wake up, today!
In reality, the hope for this ‘fantasy change’ has been as awful as how he has actually treated me and how I allowed it.
So all in all, the whole thing has been awful.
Ridiculous to hold on to hope of change and not just face reality and be brave.
Seems that the more I wake up, I have let go of everyone toxic to me and now there’s literally no one left but this one last person and he has been the hardest to let go of (even more than my own mum) and only because of all the cuddles and touching (my love language)... I was so easily bought for just some hugs... used and discarded like trash.. and those hugs were what kept me thinking he was ‘nice’ and just needed ‘healing support’.
Aw mannn!
I am glad for the wake up
You and me both, the hugs ands cuddles melt me everytime..I should let go but I still do not know how to..everyday is a struggle.
❤️🙏✨
Thank you for this affirmation! I appreciate your direct and blunt “he’s not going to change”!! I’m putting it on post notes my phone my computer and bathroom mirror:)
Alan u have saved me from lots of suffering and listening to ur channel is like getting a torch while going through the dark tunnel. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤️🙏
I snickered when you said 6 months because that's my most recent ex 😂 I'm glad I'm young but sad this early on in life I struggle with these attachment issues.
You are so full of wisdom and I thank you for sharing this with us. You’ll never know how much you’ve helped me. ❤️
Hes helped me so much too
People change for people they want to change for.
They don’t change for other people just for themselves
God this is so clean. So right. I am constantly playing and replaying. A fresh coat of paint! I don’t know how to end. I cannot get off the loop. THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!
Thank you so much for putting it CLEAR!! And honest!! I’m in the process of Divorce, but this also showed me my part of codependency... not anymore!! Run, Forest! Run!! Thank you.
Man my ex should've told me he wasn't ready to be on a relationship with me I mean he shoulda told me the truth! That he is not over his poor ex! Now I feel his pain since now I'm in his shoes! How sad is that it's a twisted karma fate to me! How sad is that :(
I can come check up on you
@Val Shelby are you healed and whole now? going through this same thing and can use some tips.
SAME situation here ...Ended it 1 1/2 years ago! Very hurtful. I feel you!! I feel like he wanted to get some ex back by doing it to me. And I've used the same word... that's got to happen to him Karma! And I said the same thing he should have told me in the beginning he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and only wanted casual sex. Be honest, we're in our 50s. I was looking for something more meaningful and I thought he was too ....he had plenty of time to tell me the truth but too much of a coward not to
XOXO-be strong!
This is brilliant! So refreshing to hear someone talk about this. Much Love Alan
Yep so true, Thank you so much. I have been having this conversation with myself for 7 years now.
Thank you so much for your videos they are a God Send. I was with a very abusive ex...before him I dated great respectful guys, the relationships honestly just didn’t work out because I was just emotionally unstable and lacked commitment (I’ve gone back and apologized sincerely to all of them and they’ve acknowledged my personal growth so they took the apologies.) he broke my heart over and over, and left me with bruises and memories I’ll never forget (I even lost my first child thru miscarriage because he still acted exactly the same when he got mad as he did before I got pregnant) it took others to tell me he was abusive (you would have thought I would have figured that out myself but I was so confused from the mind games and love bombing I made excuses for everything). One day, while still pregnant, I realized I was stuck in exactly the scenario I promised myself I would never be in....the family dynamic my parents had made for me, and a household filled with abuse and anger. My father was very mild tempered and calm, I always felt closer to him, but my mothers temper would flip from one extreme to another and she would devalue me in her anger (punching me/berating me/ not feed me as a child when I acted up/ even going as far as spitting on me). I realized he reminded me of my mother and I had put myself in the exact situation I had tried so hard to avoid. I had actually left my house without telling my mom to go live with him because it felt like he would save me. Then one day I had enough with my ex and packed my things and left one day while he was at work. He still contacts me and professes how much he loves me. Your videos have finally gotten me out of the cycle of back and forth I was in with him for so long. He had a hold of my life for so long and I even felt like he was my “soul mate,” we just hadn’t been lucky for it to work this lifetime. Your video on soul mates made me realize maybe I have a lot more issues that I had not been focusing on and he was my physical projection of them. Thank you, I’m finally starting to feel like I can get my life back...and I’m feeling stronger to never go back because he won’t change, the change I need to make is in myself
Im glad i finally understand it, after 4 years of turbulent relationship and never ending on and off. Time to put myself as a priority. I will keep this video handy for times of crisis.
Alan,
God Bless you. Oh, God Bless you! I was married for 41 years before that damn lightbulb went off in my head. Hurting men and women don't want to believe this (because of fears). But you are right!! Listen up people; they WILL NOT change. Even at 65 and moving out a year ago, getting serious therapy and getting well had to be my goal or it was going to cost me my life. The first 6 months were hard. Now I PREFER my own company and am so comfortable in my own skin. I'm taking ballroom dancing, learning to sail, meeting new people and having a good time. Don't waste your time or your life. You are worthy!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
We need reality! Healing and self-care reminds us of our WORTH!
ACCEPTANCE AND MUCH WORK ON OUR SELVES BREAKS THESE UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS..
I JUST luv this!💕
Thank you so very much for this reminder. I'm so happy I left and I'm learning to take care of me and my wants and needs. The more I learn about myself the better my choices are becoming. Learning to re-program my thinking.
Haha he knows where the library is...😂
Leonie De Rochemont - right?!?!!! Ugh... 🙄😂
I loved seeing this video. You explained this so well. I've been in this very situation. Going backwards then forwards.your so right they won't change. It's all about getting the strength with myself to know that I'm worthy of a better relationship with someone else
very good! been there a zillion times! the very moment I accepted blindness and grief, I started the healing process and eventually found the love of my life! acceptance opened the door
Yes I need to hear this again and again and again ... Thanks AR.
Alan, your videos have helped me so much. Thank you for all your work on TH-cam. I appreciate you!
Your videos are so spot on! Thank you!! Now off to implement this. 🙏
I loved the honest, straight forwardness of this! It was good and reaffirming.
Thank you!! This is indeed very hard to hear but resonates as truth. You've helped me to see some subtle layers to my codependency that I thought I had already excavated. Clearly there's still work to do - but I'm ready for it :) he's not going to change - but I am!!!
polar bear - I love this!!! Me too 😊🙏🏼
Thoughtful video, thanks!
This is the best video I have seen on TH-cam. This is so true and he is speaking nothing but the truth🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 thank you so much for this.
Appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear you love the content. Thanks for valuing my work.
Also, if you haven't already heard about it I want to share about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community This is the the type of content we explore in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.
This was awesome! I am stuck and I am tired of lying to myself. He's not gonna change. I am just trying to bend things to make them what they are not. Moving on. It's time
you are AMAZING thank you for making these videos im lovin them!
I feel as though the challenging part is not ending the relationship but trying to deal with being alone. I started feeling so much boredom that I wanted to hunt for someone new who most likely would have been a copy of my ex in some weird way. But I'm learning that it's a challenge for me to not do that. And the more I resist doing that.. the more of this mourning emotions come out. Emotions I thought I didn't have anymore for my ex and the relationship. So I'm redirecting the pain.. being thankful for the lessons I learned but doing the dirty work with it. I can't just say I got the memo and not follow it and expect things to change for me in my life. So I am learning to walk the walk. Getting involved in my career and hobbies. Learning better bonding skills of how to properly bond with people (earning trust, love and sex), with that comes with me learning how to have integrity with myself and being honest. Dealing with emotions and reevaluating my value system, and learning how to be more in tune with my core. After all this is about expanding my experiences in this life, not settling for monotone stuff. Harnessing fear. I feel good. Thanks
I think the part where you said "Learning better bonding skills of how to properly bond with people (earning trust, love and sex), with that comes with me learning how to have integrity with myself and being honest." It sums up what I need to do as well. I must learn to look at my own avoidant anxious attachment to make sure I dont invest on people who makes me feel unwanted. Investing in my passions are the key to be happy on my own.
Best way to move on from an ex is my focusing on yourself. I can be better with or without someone in my life by like you said getting involved in activities. My best advice is hit the gym every day and you will see how your self-esteem and confidence become stronger. good luck!
Sounds like you're on the right path. Sounds easy to "move on" but it's a job in itself.
Love what you wrote. Hope you've healed well since then
Wicked advice. Difficult to hear and acknowledge, but so true.
Oh My Starz in HEAVEN!!!! What a wonderful human you are!! There is no harshness in the way you deliver this truth!! This cut through so much BS for me, during this loop! I’ve watched this at least once a day since I found it!!
I’m so blessed have found you! You and your approach speaks volumes to me!
Thank you so much!🙏🦋
Thank you for valuing my content illana. Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider joining us in the membership community to show your support and/or becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. FYI/ www.alanrobarge.com/community and/or www.alanrobarge.com/donate
I say SHE'S not going to change! I know that I can change. I can be alone, I always do better alone. I am no longer attracted to emotionally unavailable women.
Yes! I need to hear it over and over again... and I cling to this wrong partner and I know that he won’t change... I will listen to this video over and over to get over this guy...
Man this is so good. You are telling nothing but the truth and doing it in such a practical clear way. Thank you so much!
This is so refreshing! At last, someone who tells it like it is!!!
Simply just ... BRILLIANT
Even though I knew this was true, I really needed to hear this. It was the slap on the face I needed.
Wow, I needed to hear that! Thanks for sharing with us! 🙏🙏
Absolutely loved this..you're awesome. Such excellent content, thank you so much!