Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Hi C Chan, Agree that Alan's message was right on. I don't think non-toxic relationships should be that difficult to sustain. I think the difficulty comes into play when you're in a toxic relationship & work tirelessly & endlessly to maintain a relationship that was doomed from the beginning & has no future. Wishing you well....
Beacause they reactivate your attachment trauma. When you heal, it´s gonna get easier. Try running with a broken leg. It´s not the running that is the problem - it´s the broken leg that needs to heal first.
I think it is because they include us and until we can work on ourselves and get ourselves right and put it on oxygen masks any relationships we choose probably won't be the best for us.
...i have actually tried to "burn my bridge" many times...telling him to not call me, to not let me come back, etc.....each time i tried this it would send me into a feeling of terror. the "burning of the bridge" seemed to create more feelings of anxiety and terror and sheer, dysfunctional determination to try and make him "come back and love me"....sometimes I succeeded and he "took me back".....it was the same old horrible relationship and I would leave again......i feel bad for putting him through this and you are correct, it is a sick game i played to alleviate my own aloneness in this world.....thanks Alan!!! so grateful for your messages! xo
Donna Perry I'm exactly like you. every time I burn the bridge I get the same exact feeling as you and when she initiantes contact I'll pickup and listen to her and somehow prioritize her over someone else I'm dating. And I treat her spoil her like as though we're back together again but we're not. It went on and on for months and as much as I want to no matter how we block each other on social media and everything there will be a way for her to reach out to me and I'll be opening my door for her. It burns n tore me up inside but I kept doing it anyways. The trauma I felt is so extreme sometimes that it's physical that my whole body vibrates. But somehow this experience has taught me about myself which is that for the longest time I never knew I had anxious attachment trauma n I can't stand being lonely. I've walked away from some of the previous relationship that no longer serves me. And my only solution was to bottle it up n silence it over time, my bottle can no longer hold it in n it broke n I've met my truth. I still get panic attack from time and I kept praying that it'll all be over soon. U have my empathy dear 😊
man, you nailed the feeling thats the YO YO of DOOM! so horrible to feel alone and accept my feelings im being destroyed in this, but not being in this feels WORSE!! AAAGHGHGH!!!!
I became quite strong reading your comment and replies. This is exactly what happens to me and I am trying hard to get away from it but its very difficult.
I was waiting for my partner to come back for nearly a year. I finally met someone else and have learned a lot from these videos and am more mentally healthy this time around!! Thanks, Alan!!!
I have a friend who is in exactly this situation. Every time she breaks up again, she calls me in tears, feeling just so horrible about herself and she could never understand WHY she stays in this situation which basically is destroying her. And I always feel bad every time she calls me, asking me desperately what is wrong with her, why she keeps doing this to herself, and I don't have the answer. Now I know. Thank you very much
that's me too 😢😭 and my friend has been sick of hearing it now and called me cry wolf.. It is love addiction.. sigh.. I have finally started to let go lately..
Hey it’s been 2 months since you post this comment and I’m going through hell crying … my on/off bf left again and this time didn’t come back and it’s been a week. He never leaves me for this long. How are you feeling now ?
A very thought provoking and convicting video! I used to have this problem with my ex, and only LATER realized that I wasn't being fair to him. After breaking up with him, I chose to remain in contact with him, and made it so hard on him, until he suggested I cut him off completely; it was hard to do, but I eventually did it for him. I do miss my ex, but that doesn't mean that I should get back with him just because I feel lonely. However, I had discovered right after the breakup, that I have a very anxious attachment style. For example, when it comes to a guy that I like, and I start getting attached to him, I feel like I can't live without him! In other words, I feel like he abandoned me when he doesn't respond to me immediately. So, the conclusion in this scenario, is that,, combining my codependent nature with my anxious attachment style, I could get an emotional meltdown any second!! This video has helped me realize that I need to love and take care of myself first. Thank you so much for this video!
Wow, this is really eye opening and a good smack in the face that I needed. I took him back and the same behaviour did rear it's head... he gave me the silent treatment for 2 days. I finished it and blocked him from everything and then text my mum (who I have a very strained relationship with) and said I wanted us to sit down and discuss out relationship face to face because I want to make it better and address issues (abandonement from 12 onwards). And all of this was before watching this video ha! So it's reassuring for me to hear this, I instintively knew what I have to do to fix myself and my problems in romantic relationships... The intense pain of the break up was the spark. I'm so glad I finally said it to her. 20 years in the making....hopefully once that's fixed or at least acknowledged/mended to some degree, I'll start to find men attractive who are emotionally available.
THANK YOU ALAN!!! You have given me the tools to put an end to a TOXIC on and off three+ year relationship. Your words of wisdom have given me more insight into my motivation for my actions than my therapist has, in as many years. I knew I had attachment trauma, yet you are so blatantly straight forward and charming! And you have opened my eyes even further. For the most part, I was focusing and obsessing over JOSE! JOSE! JOSE! JOSE, haha and his narcissism and emotional unavailability rather than my root causes. I am also in AA for fourteen months, so this last year has been tough, and full of revelation, healing and growth. And it's never too late to create a new life and a happy ending. You are my new obsession! That was a joke!!! THanks again!!!!
Focus on MARI!, MARI!, MARI!, MARI! and less on him. We cannot change the other person. I was involved too with a narcissist who was, also, emotionally unavailable I wish you the best in your AA meetings. You are strong to follow through with it. I'm going along with your premise too that "it's never too late to create a new life." Wishing you happiness, joy and peace...
I'm angry for a couple of days than I forget- anxiety, terror of being alone and the need for 'any' attention creeps back in. To date, I have never fully been able to fully end a relationship on my own even when I'm the one being hurt. It's also an addiction to the hope and fantasy, I agree, plus adrenaline. I agree.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in this type of situation, but I see there are many of us. I really needed to hear this. I was on the verge of texting my ex again . Round and round it usually goes. I will break the cycle once and for all. I love your videos, they are extremely helpful.
These things can be so difficult to navigate. Many of us can relate to the pain you're experiencing Mackenzie. Please know that you are not alone, and there is support in learning how to heal and grow within the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many find helpful. Consider joining the conversations happening there. Your voice is welcome. And if you're interested, I created a quiz called The Four Attachment Distress Responses as an introduction to learning more about our reactions to stress. You're invited to check it out as well as a tool to help you on your healing journey. The Community www.alanrobarge.com/community The Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Muu, thank you for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear the video offered clarity. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in a new course I created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
For me it's incredibly painful and difficult because he fills such a huge void left by all family members. He filled my cup up and it's empty now. I can't fill my own cup the way he did. It's brutal.
I hear you. Realizing the reality of the void can be painful. I'm reminded of that phrase how we need a village to raise a kid. It can apply to any of us even in adulthood. Thanks for commenting. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community We can experience feeling supported learning about new relating skills with others who are also learning.
This is super hard for me because in my case, things really were amazing and then within about a 24-hour timeframe, he abruptly ended it. He just started panicking about all the things that could possibly go wrong with us and broke up with me. But before that everything was going really well. We were both so happy together. I think he was freaked out because we got along too well, and we were I guess, too happy for his comfort zone.
BINGO! Me and US! Been going on for 21 years. Feels better with every reunion. But so much worst with every separation. Now I understand that my motive is my attachment injury. Finally I have an answer. Thanks for all your help Alan. You been an integral part of my healing. Please keep the videos coming. I agree with Ali. I too enjoy viewing your videos as opposed to just listening.
Fran Davis Thanks for the comment. Glad this one offers you an answer. Thanks for the encouragement for more videos. I'm going to mix up both audio and video formats. I got feedback that some folks like the audio and find it less distracting. The audio are easier to make also. I don't have to set up lighting or worry about the time of day as much. I'll create both. Thanks again for the comment.
Ok, definitely agree... I'm guilty of keeping up my part of the game. How do I go about getting out of the game. I'm losing my mind. 8 years... Make it stop
it's so on point that it's scary, nut on the other hand it's quite reassurin that i'm not the only person that face this situation and that there's a way out.... THANK YOU
You put this out on my birthday. This is what I need to remember over and over. Now I need to be kind to the pain and not enable myself. This is sad and at the end, you're right. I need to go create new experiences for myself.
Thank you! This is honesty...and definitely learning about this. It requires an enormous amount of inner honesty to admit that once it's over, it's over.
I think we should all sing the frozen song 'let it go' it's over, it will NEVER work, keep busy, remember it's better to be alone (most probably not for long) than to be in a toxic relationship. Fall in love with yourself. My partner emotionally cheated by texting other women, he has no remorse or empathy, despite all this I'm finding it hard to move on, thank you for showing me I'm not alone. Listen to muddy waters 'killing floor' and the bb kings 'the thrill has gone' that helps too.
Honestly I've gone to therapy for a year I've listened to hundreds of TH-cam channels on this topic from psycho therapist to life coaches to pastures and nobody had me crying the whole video because you're absolutely correct and it is devastating to hear because it was a game I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 years she broke up with me and we have this on and off relationship for 2 years after the separation and we started seeing each other consistently for about 8 months and those 8 months she broke up with me twice and recently she ended it again a month and a half ago I haven't spoken to her and I haven't seen her and it's exactly what you're describing it is a sick twisted game she's constantly leaving whatever she's pursuing doesn't fulfill her she comes back and I allow her that's my fault I allow her because I have not set any boundary once so ever I know in my heart that this will never work without the proper therapy that she refuses to have and again I'm surprised when she breaks my heart truly amazing video I'm going to listen to it at least 10 times thank you so much sir you're a blessing
Thank you for the kind words. Glad to hear my work brings you benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort. If you haven't already heard about it, since this video is helpful, you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You're so welcome! Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. If you like this video and would like to dive deeper into what drives these patterns then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
My advice has been to distract yourself by re-inventing your life. Work, school, therapy. 12 step, interests, hobbies, friends (non mutual) family. The point is to be so busy taking care of yourself that you do have time to think of what's his face.
This video helped me finally ask to be blocked on all platforms by an ex, in order to stop myself reaching out. I didn't have the strength to resist temptation. I was trapped in a toxic situation for 1.5 years. Constant lies and let downs. I was in love with him, he didn't want to commit to me, but always maintained he wanted to 'stay friends' post break up. His actions never matched his words, all effort came from me, he would speak to me so bluntly ever since the break up, and be rude to me in public, but loving when it was just us conversing. He called himself a psychopath with no emotions, feelings or empathy. I'm sure he was a narcissist too. I would get hurt and block him for a couple of months. But the hope of what could have been, and reminiscing on the few good times we shared, would prevail and I'd reach out again for any reason I could. I have been so desperate to love and be loved, I didn't mind hurting myself in the process. I told him before he blocked me that I forgive him to free my soul, but I am still working on erasing all the hurt and upset he has caused. This video finally made me turn the corner of what has been such a painful, destructive and out-of-body time in my life. I could never understand my desperate attempts at maintaining a friendship, with someone who treated me with no respect. I wondered why I didn't respect or love myself enough to walk away, like other women would. It was all a dopamine rush, and a desire to be loved. But this individual is dead inside, and emotionally unavailable, so all I got was lies and let downs once our 7 month situationship ended. This has explained every single part of this painful experience of trying to get over someone who I wasn't compatible with, but craving love and affection so much that I just couldn't walk away. Thank you Alan - you're going to change my life with this video. Take care of yourself!
Thank you for sharing this video was helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort. I appreciate the comment. If this video is helpful then you may also like to get in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I've burnt my bridge. Issued an ultimatum which he rejected. It is a game I realise, an egoic game that causes pain. That's not love. Wise words that sums up exactly what's been going on.
Alan, your videos are so helpful, but this one is by far the most helpful to me that I've saved it in a playlist. Everything you mention is relevant to the regrettable deterioration of my last relationship. I'd come home full of resentment that the 'usual sh*t' she promised to do hadn't been done; I'd pick fights unnecessarily; and I became increasingly avoidant last year because I was so fed up. I miss my ex hugely, as you've seen from my other comments, but perhaps she was right. Maybe we just weren't compatible after all, despite having a lot in common we were different people. Opposites don't really attract.
Hi Alan, Wow...thank you so much for your brutally honest commentary! I respect your thoughts. I must hear this video over & over again to stop my fleeting thoughts that it may not be totally over even though I, too, know he is not the right one for me. Currently no contact after an emotionally abusive relationship for many yr. Overall feel the need for closure (craving contact too.) Although I run the risk of him not responding & thus I feel worse than I do now. Yikes..."I like this?" I do love the fantasy. You validate my feelings. You are so right on target. And I like waiting around. Going out more socially with friends is a "new norm" for me. Thank you too for all your ideas about making a new normal in my life & for putting an end to the "game." Don't know if I can undertake the precious conversation that you're talking about. But, it's certainly worth contemplating. Please continue with your unique videos!
myself I did it again and we broke up again. this is the 5th time we broke up. only lasted a month and a week this time . now I.have to suffer the pain of the breakup again. and face my loneliness
I was shocked into an " Ah HA!" thunderbolt moment of epiphany by the truth of this video. For the first time I was able to laugh about my break up a little, seeing my own behavior so clearly. Am saving it for what Im sure will be repeated future references. Thank you so much!
Glad my work brings benefit. I appreciate the feedback. If this video is helpful then may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in conversations at length in the Community. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
@teatalkwithme for me, I just had to have some real talk to myself. I feel in these situations, it can be too easy to tell ourselves lies in order to feel better. That's my take away. It's very painful tho.
You are so right Alan this is no different than being hooked on a very bad drug and the only way to get away from it is to get away from the people and places you can access it! Awesome advice 👍
I was with him for 10 yrs and he left and found some other woman when I thought that he loved me so much, and it was just more of his ongoing lies to me. I can't stop crying, I let him go and I won't take him back but it doesn't change how hurt I am.
Thank you so so much for sharing that and for being so brutally honest in such a brilliant and wonderful way - I love everything about it - the series in general ♥️ thank you for the fuel and empowerment in order for me to step into my truth and honesty and have the bridges burn brightly 🔥
You are so welcome. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Magnificent and spot on. So many thanks for this wonderful work that you do. It clarified so many things I think my intuition was aware of but the rest of me disregarded.
This was great. Painted a clear & objective picture to me of what me & my ex are both doing thus taking out the fantasy element and making the prospect of reunion less attractive. Has anyone else tried this & if so, what wording did you use & what was the final outcome? Did you feel relief? Thank you for amazing content!!
I like this? That is just crazy....I totally love the fantasy...it will be different, better, and I take the memories and diminish the struggle...and all the dysfunction..."love amnesia"...LOL....The fantasy that I am going to be loved the right way one day by him...is truly what I am doing to myself. So I have to create new memories...Its hard when I take care of a sick Father...for me to be alone all day with no real human contact and connection...this is a state of great grief.....for me.
Going through a separation rather than a breakup, due to circumstances. So the love is still there and there's no bad behavior to focus on ....just that it can't work 😢
Empathy to you as you process through this ending. Glad you connected with this video. Good you are reaching for helpful resources. Please also share this video with a friend who may find it helpful. Thanks.
What if you do change for the first time? I never listen to my wife until she asked for a separation. I have since had counseling and learned more about my attachment issues. But she still envisions me as the same guy. She needs space but I don't believe she believes I will ever change... because for years I never listened.
Bccc Secret society Same. Married 21 years. Lots of counseling over the years to deal with his ADD and rage episodes. All this focus on his obvious flaws made me not see or work on my own. He just walked out the door.
Oh wow....This really hit hard! I love how REAL he is, NO SUGAR COAT! YOU CHOOSE THIS! YOU LOVE THIS! SOOOOO many things he said really resonated with me and my situation. Its true, I was putting my life on hold..a way to run away from my life. I had to own up to that with myself and quit LYING and being dishonest to myself about the reality of my situation. I will use Positive Distractions to move forward and heal! Thank you for your videos! Most of all THANK YOU for being very direct and real! Im a tough love type of person sometimes..I need to hear someone tell it like it is!
My problem is that i cannot get over the disappointment and anger along with thoughts of revenge associated with this breakup. Any ideas? I really dont want her back in my life, but i cant let go. Im a year post discard and really want to move on and not be obsessed anymore. i know that i will never forget, but i want to get past this so that i can move on.
Alan, it’s like you’re living in my brain. I guess fantasy of what could be is way safer and more dependable than taking a risk and being with someone securely attached. The only question is, are there really people with a secure attachment style? Thank you again!
Let me keep this video close and listen to it anytime my ex texts me lol. On my own I'm able to do my thing but he texted me two days ago and it's like the old emotions FLOODED back in and all the bullshit and all my boundaries went out the window. And it was my attachment injury saying LOOK! CONNECTION! We can have it again!! There is hope!!!! So thank you Alan. I needed to be reminded and I needed to be grounded. I rationalised our contact as ''well maybe we can apologize to each other and be friends'' but that still is a hope that we will be somehow connected. And maybe we are better off not having any contact at all because he doesn't respect my boundaries and manipulates me.
I think you'd both have to be really working towards healing yourself first and truly understanding your boundaries and the other person's. Dunno what he would say, I don't think everything is black and white.
@@rooish574 Great answer x That's what I want with my ex of 8 weeks. He's a AA/DA and I'm chaotic. I've been chasing so hard. In the whole 8 weeks we've been apart I've seen him twice. Once because I dropped his tv off and the second I ran I to him. I've been so out of my mind desperately trying to get in, but he's a stone cold wall. As soon as I get a little bit of caring from me he cuts me off again and I lash out out of that severed feeling all over again. I've really made everything so much worse. Today was the first whole week I've succeeded at no contact. And I just finished bawling my eyes out but it's different. It's getting better. I do want to try again, but there would have to be a dating long phase and clear two way work and discussions deeply going on. I doubt that's going to happen. But I really want to just have that talk in a while longer. When I'm a lot more secure and do more personal work with my schemas and attachment therapy.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for sharing you value my work. Glad it brings you benefit. There is another way to view the videos - in a library in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us in the conversations too: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Emily, I hear you. "Holy truth bomb" made me laugh. I'm glad to hear that this video was helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
Thank you for all your words of wisdom Alan! Thanks for walking with us down the path of self love, self loyalty, self care, self esteem, self worth! ❤ And take good care of yourselves y'all! 'To thine own self be true'
O M G. This video!! 🌹🔥 I do such abuse to my beauty-full self not moving on very easily. I attach way to hard, and for nothing. It’s sad as f. I cry. Some take all four chambers of my heart and I best RUN from those, day one. My gosh.
No excitement ...just evey waking moment is absolute suffering pain , upset and more pain . I suffer all this ...but the obsessive behaviour , is like I am looking at me from behind a piece of glass ....
Thanks for valuing my work. Glad you are finding it of benefit. This content sprouts from our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. To learn more about the Community click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad to hear this content speaks to you. Thanks for feedback and valuing my work. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
Omg Alan I have really identified with almost all of your videos and learn so much from you thank you so much for sharing your perspective and your skills with us. This video was so dead on and I really needed to hear it, and furthermore it just made me laugh out loud in my bathroom at the absurdity of it all and have a healthy laugh at myself for what I've been doing for almost two years since my breakup. I'm so tempted to actually send this over to my ex, but that would be codependent behavior. Thank you for this.
I am glad to hear this resonated for you. Join us in the community, Improve Your Relationships. The 8-week program offers a structured format where we talk about and explore relationships. You are invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for valuing my work. If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on the conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Read my entire story, why don’t you, Alan?! Gosh this was that brutal truth! Whewwww! I love the truth. ❤️ it pisses me off, first and then I heal..🙌🏾🌻
I totally agree, after 5 months she decided to end it and went no contact (for good not for 30 days) she reached out a month later and we set a day to meet. We kind of started again but started acting cold and inconsistant like before she broke it off. Then I just said that's it and stopped comunicating. But she kept on reaching out, I always replied but kept it short, until last week she reached out as usual and did not reply, she texted again asking if am ok and still I didn't reply. I hope she gets the hint and does not contact me again.
Glad this is helpful! You're welcome. If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It dives deeper into what drives these behaviors. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
I actually tried to mute or delete this video, because it was too true. I couldn't... because it was too true.
An upvote for your "rigorous honesty".
truth hurts then sets us free
Ok?
I love this guy. He gives the stright up truth ..
Absolutely.
The guy is very cool. Helped me alot
This is spot on. But WHY do relationships have to be so hard and heartbreaking. Just WHY :,(
Hi C Chan,
Agree that Alan's message was right on. I don't think non-toxic relationships should be that difficult to sustain.
I think the difficulty comes into play when you're in a toxic relationship & work tirelessly & endlessly to maintain a relationship that was doomed from the beginning & has no future.
Wishing you well....
Beacause they reactivate your attachment trauma. When you heal, it´s gonna get easier. Try running with a broken leg. It´s not the running that is the problem - it´s the broken leg that needs to heal first.
I think it is because they include us and until we can work on ourselves and get ourselves right and put it on oxygen masks any relationships we choose probably won't be the best for us.
@@Swiergotka78 wow !!! So well said
Because people are complex.
...i have actually tried to "burn my bridge" many times...telling him to not call me, to not let me come back, etc.....each time i tried this it would send me into a feeling of terror. the "burning of the bridge" seemed to create more feelings of anxiety and terror and sheer, dysfunctional determination to try and make him "come back and love me"....sometimes I succeeded and he "took me back".....it was the same old horrible relationship and I would leave again......i feel bad for putting him through this and you are correct, it is a sick game i played to alleviate my own aloneness in this world.....thanks Alan!!! so grateful for your messages! xo
Donna Perry I'm exactly like you. every time I burn the bridge I get the same exact feeling as you and when she initiantes contact I'll pickup and listen to her and somehow prioritize her over someone else I'm dating. And I treat her spoil her like as though we're back together again but we're not. It went on and on for months and as much as I want to no matter how we block each other on social media and everything there will be a way for her to reach out to me and I'll be opening my door for her. It burns n tore me up inside but I kept doing it anyways. The trauma I felt is so extreme sometimes that it's physical that my whole body vibrates. But somehow this experience has taught me about myself which is that for the longest time I never knew I had anxious attachment trauma n I can't stand being lonely. I've walked away from some of the previous relationship that no longer serves me. And my only solution was to bottle it up n silence it over time, my bottle can no longer hold it in n it broke n I've met my truth. I still get panic attack from time and I kept praying that it'll all be over soon. U have my empathy dear 😊
I am glad I'm not alone using this kind of behavior! I wish you luck and when you finally break free , please share how you did it !
Ugh, same here, just, exactly... it is fascinating to hear this all in such detail from Alan, & you guys... Thanks for sharing 🙏
man, you nailed the feeling thats the YO YO of DOOM! so horrible to feel alone and accept my feelings im being destroyed in this, but not being in this feels WORSE!! AAAGHGHGH!!!!
I became quite strong reading your comment and replies. This is exactly what happens to me and I am trying hard to get away from it but its very difficult.
I was waiting for my partner to come back for nearly a year. I finally met someone else and have learned a lot from these videos and am more mentally healthy this time around!! Thanks, Alan!!!
I have a friend who is in exactly this situation. Every time she breaks up again, she calls me in tears, feeling just so horrible about herself and she could never understand WHY she stays in this situation which basically is destroying her. And I always feel bad every time she calls me, asking me desperately what is wrong with her, why she keeps doing this to herself, and I don't have the answer. Now I know. Thank you very much
that's me too 😢😭 and my friend has been sick of hearing it now and called me cry wolf.. It is love addiction.. sigh.. I have finally started to let go lately..
You are brilliant. I feel pathetic now but I also feel like I’m now over him so THANK YOU!❤
This is so spot on! I don't think I've heard ANYONE articulate these points so well. Thank you!
Omg it’s a horrible horrible hamster wheel. I’m tired of suffering like this. Thank you for explaining this
Hey it’s been 2 months since you post this comment and I’m going through hell crying … my on/off bf left again and this time didn’t come back and it’s been a week. He never leaves me for this long. How are you feeling now ?
@@alicemartinez7806it's been a year since you posted this how are you doing I'm also in a horrible situation
Mr. Alan Robarge you are a gift, a genius, the voice of reason. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Your voice is like the voice of common sense in my head
A very thought provoking and convicting video!
I used to have this problem with my ex, and only LATER realized that I wasn't being fair to him. After breaking up with him, I chose to remain in contact with him, and made it so hard on him, until he suggested I cut him off completely; it was hard to do, but I eventually did it for him.
I do miss my ex, but that doesn't mean that I should get back with him just because I feel lonely.
However, I had discovered right after the breakup, that I have a very anxious attachment style.
For example, when it comes to a guy that I like, and I start getting attached to him, I feel like I can't live without him!
In other words, I feel like he abandoned me when he doesn't respond to me immediately.
So, the conclusion in this scenario, is that,, combining my codependent nature with my anxious attachment style, I could get an emotional meltdown any second!!
This video has helped me realize that I need to love and take care of myself first. Thank you so much for this video!
Girl I feel you so so much!! I could have written this x
alot of the time the attachment trauma is the issue itself, there may not be anything wrong with the relationship fundamentally
Agreed
And a relationship in the face of external stress can really trigger issues that might not otherwise have occurred
Yeah, this was a really painful realization during y2k last 8 weeks of gut wrenching loss and attachment anxiety. Hit me like a ton of bricks.
2:18 and forward...
“You love this.
Ouch.
@AroundDenver -TRUTH BOMB! 100%
Wow, this is really eye opening and a good smack in the face that I needed. I took him back and the same behaviour did rear it's head... he gave me the silent treatment for 2 days. I finished it and blocked him from everything and then text my mum (who I have a very strained relationship with) and said I wanted us to sit down and discuss out relationship face to face because I want to make it better and address issues (abandonement from 12 onwards). And all of this was before watching this video ha! So it's reassuring for me to hear this, I instintively knew what I have to do to fix myself and my problems in romantic relationships... The intense pain of the break up was the spark. I'm so glad I finally said it to her. 20 years in the making....hopefully once that's fixed or at least acknowledged/mended to some degree, I'll start to find men attractive who are emotionally available.
THANK YOU ALAN!!! You have given me the tools to put an end to a TOXIC on and off three+ year relationship. Your words of wisdom have given me more insight into my motivation for my actions than my therapist has, in as many years. I knew I had attachment trauma, yet you are so blatantly straight forward and charming! And you have opened my eyes even further. For the most part, I was focusing and obsessing over JOSE! JOSE! JOSE! JOSE, haha and his narcissism and emotional unavailability rather than my root causes. I am also in AA for fourteen months, so this last year has been tough, and full of revelation, healing and growth. And it's never too late to create a new life and a happy ending. You are my new obsession! That was a joke!!! THanks again!!!!
Focus on MARI!, MARI!, MARI!, MARI! and less on him. We cannot change the other person.
I was involved too with a narcissist who was, also, emotionally unavailable I wish you the best in your AA meetings. You are strong to follow through with it.
I'm going along with your premise too that "it's never too late to create a new life." Wishing you happiness, joy and peace...
How are you doing now ?
Dammit this is so true i had to pause it a couple times! Ive been with this person for 7 years so hard to break the cycle. Ughhhhhh
The hardest words for me is "This relationship has ended"...I know it and don't want it to end....but it HAS ended.
I'm angry for a couple of days than I forget- anxiety, terror of being alone and the need for 'any' attention creeps back in. To date, I have never fully been able to fully end a relationship on my own even when I'm the one being hurt. It's also an addiction to the hope and fantasy, I agree, plus adrenaline. I agree.
I do have to say that I do burn my bridges...never see them again when really done.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one in this type of situation, but I see there are many of us. I really needed to hear this. I was on the verge of texting my ex again . Round and round it usually goes. I will break the cycle once and for all. I love your videos, they are extremely helpful.
"your crumbs of relating", lol. ;-)
Sven Loach Glad you like that one. Thanks for the comment.
I LOL'd at that part too. Thank you, we need some levity in the morass of what is sometimes a painful healing journey.
Haha, and that one part...we do not have the skills to relate 🔥
This is exactly what I need to hear today, and you only just posted it yesterday! Thank you, I love and get so much out of your videos.
One of the worst feelings is not just this, but knowing they are with someone else. That such a toxic thought that can’t leave my head
These things can be so difficult to navigate. Many of us can relate to the pain you're experiencing Mackenzie. Please know that you are not alone, and there is support in learning how to heal and grow within the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many find helpful. Consider joining the conversations happening there. Your voice is welcome. And if you're interested, I created a quiz called The Four Attachment Distress Responses as an introduction to learning more about our reactions to stress. You're invited to check it out as well as a tool to help you on your healing journey.
The Community
www.alanrobarge.com/community
The Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
You are brilliant! These words cut through the confusion, self-deception and all the BS like a surgeon's scalpel.
Muu, thank you for the supportive feedback. I'm glad to hear the video offered clarity. Since you liked this video you might also be interested in a new course I created. To learn more take The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out your response to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Alan, can you guess how many times i have played and replayed this ?? thank you for putting this up
***** Maybe it will become part of the greatest hits album then lol! Thanks for the comment. Glad it speaks to you many times over.
For me it's incredibly painful and difficult because he fills such a huge void left by all family members. He filled my cup up and it's empty now. I can't fill my own cup the way he did. It's brutal.
I hear you. Realizing the reality of the void can be painful. I'm reminded of that phrase how we need a village to raise a kid. It can apply to any of us even in adulthood. Thanks for commenting.
I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community We can experience feeling supported learning about new relating skills with others who are also learning.
This is super hard for me because in my case, things really were amazing and then within about a 24-hour timeframe, he abruptly ended it. He just started panicking about all the things that could possibly go wrong with us and broke up with me. But before that everything was going really well. We were both so happy together. I think he was freaked out because we got along too well, and we were I guess, too happy for his comfort zone.
BINGO! Me and US! Been going on for 21 years. Feels better with every reunion. But so much worst with every separation. Now I understand that my motive is my attachment injury. Finally I have an answer. Thanks for all your help Alan. You been an integral part of my healing. Please keep the videos coming. I agree with Ali. I too enjoy viewing your videos as opposed to just listening.
Fran Davis Thanks for the comment. Glad this one offers you an answer. Thanks for the encouragement for more videos. I'm going to mix up both audio and video formats. I got feedback that some folks like the audio and find it less distracting. The audio are easier to make also. I don't have to set up lighting or worry about the time of day as much. I'll create both. Thanks again for the comment.
Ok, definitely agree... I'm guilty of keeping up my part of the game. How do I go about getting out of the game. I'm losing my mind. 8 years... Make it stop
it's so on point that it's scary, nut on the other hand it's quite reassurin that i'm not the only person that face this situation and that there's a way out.... THANK YOU
You put this out on my birthday. This is what I need to remember over and over. Now I need to be kind to the pain and not enable myself. This is sad and at the end, you're right. I need to go create new experiences for myself.
Alan this explains my past 10 years! Ty for the dialogue to help end this crap!!! You are a godsend! Tysm
Thank you! This is honesty...and definitely learning about this. It requires an enormous amount of inner honesty to admit that once it's over, it's over.
I think we should all sing the frozen song 'let it go' it's over, it will NEVER work, keep busy, remember it's better to be alone (most probably not for long) than to be in a toxic relationship. Fall in love with yourself. My partner emotionally cheated by texting other women, he has no remorse or empathy, despite all this I'm finding it hard to move on, thank you for showing me I'm not alone. Listen to muddy waters 'killing floor' and the bb kings 'the thrill has gone' that helps too.
I love BB! Listen to Solanges version with BB as well, omg I adore it. BB is so exciting to watch play, he loves it to much and it makes me happy.
Honestly I've gone to therapy for a year I've listened to hundreds of TH-cam channels on this topic from psycho therapist to life coaches to pastures and nobody had me crying the whole video because you're absolutely correct and it is devastating to hear because it was a game I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 years she broke up with me and we have this on and off relationship for 2 years after the separation and we started seeing each other consistently for about 8 months and those 8 months she broke up with me twice and recently she ended it again a month and a half ago I haven't spoken to her and I haven't seen her and it's exactly what you're describing it is a sick twisted game she's constantly leaving whatever she's pursuing doesn't fulfill her she comes back and I allow her that's my fault I allow her because I have not set any boundary once so ever I know in my heart that this will never work without the proper therapy that she refuses to have and again I'm surprised when she breaks my heart truly amazing video I'm going to listen to it at least 10 times thank you so much sir you're a blessing
My heart feels like it’s been torn from my chest but I’ve been so mistreated..I shouldn’t do this anymore
I wanted to throw my phone at a wall listening this. it’s very true.
Wow! This is truly helpful ! I'll have to listen to this one over and over again. I so appreciate your honesty Alan. Thank you so much !
Thank you for the kind words. Glad to hear my work brings you benefit. Thank you for valuing my effort.
If you haven't already heard about it, since this video is helpful, you may also like getting in on the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I love that you don’t beat around the bush! I needed this, thank you ❤
You're so welcome! Glad this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
If you like this video and would like to dive deeper into what drives these patterns then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I will listen to this over and over and I will put a stop to this sic game it's over
My advice has been to distract yourself by re-inventing your life. Work, school, therapy. 12 step, interests, hobbies, friends (non mutual) family. The point is to be so busy taking care of yourself that you do have time to think of what's his face.
This video helped me finally ask to be blocked on all platforms by an ex, in order to stop myself reaching out. I didn't have the strength to resist temptation. I was trapped in a toxic situation for 1.5 years. Constant lies and let downs. I was in love with him, he didn't want to commit to me, but always maintained he wanted to 'stay friends' post break up. His actions never matched his words, all effort came from me, he would speak to me so bluntly ever since the break up, and be rude to me in public, but loving when it was just us conversing. He called himself a psychopath with no emotions, feelings or empathy. I'm sure he was a narcissist too. I would get hurt and block him for a couple of months. But the hope of what could have been, and reminiscing on the few good times we shared, would prevail and I'd reach out again for any reason I could. I have been so desperate to love and be loved, I didn't mind hurting myself in the process. I told him before he blocked me that I forgive him to free my soul, but I am still working on erasing all the hurt and upset he has caused. This video finally made me turn the corner of what has been such a painful, destructive and out-of-body time in my life. I could never understand my desperate attempts at maintaining a friendship, with someone who treated me with no respect. I wondered why I didn't respect or love myself enough to walk away, like other women would. It was all a dopamine rush, and a desire to be loved. But this individual is dead inside, and emotionally unavailable, so all I got was lies and let downs once our 7 month situationship ended. This has explained every single part of this painful experience of trying to get over someone who I wasn't compatible with, but craving love and affection so much that I just couldn't walk away. Thank you Alan - you're going to change my life with this video. Take care of yourself!
It's just impossible to tell you how much your video helped me! Thank youuuuu from Guatemala
Thank you for sharing this video was helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort. I appreciate the comment.
If this video is helpful then you may also like to get in on our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
"Your not on my agenda" that's been said to me by this crumbly person, so called friend.
I've burnt my bridge. Issued an ultimatum which he rejected. It is a game I realise, an egoic game that causes pain. That's not love. Wise words that sums up exactly what's been going on.
Alan, your videos are so helpful, but this one is by far the most helpful to me that I've saved it in a playlist. Everything you mention is relevant to the regrettable deterioration of my last relationship. I'd come home full of resentment that the 'usual sh*t' she promised to do hadn't been done; I'd pick fights unnecessarily; and I became increasingly avoidant last year because I was so fed up.
I miss my ex hugely, as you've seen from my other comments, but perhaps she was right. Maybe we just weren't compatible after all, despite having a lot in common we were different people. Opposites don't really attract.
Hi Alan,
Wow...thank you so much for your brutally honest commentary! I respect your thoughts. I must hear this video over & over again to stop my fleeting thoughts that it may not be totally over even though I, too, know he is not the right one for me.
Currently no contact after an emotionally abusive relationship for many yr. Overall feel the need for closure (craving contact too.) Although I run the risk of him not responding & thus I feel worse than I do now. Yikes..."I like this?" I do love the fantasy. You validate my feelings.
You are so right on target. And I like waiting around. Going out more socially with friends is a "new norm" for me. Thank you too for all your ideas about making a new normal in my life & for putting an end to the "game." Don't know if I can undertake the precious conversation that you're talking about. But, it's certainly worth contemplating.
Please continue with your unique videos!
how do you know my life for the past 13 years. I need to do this. Love this video. You are a genius!!!
Your brilliant ! Thankyou. Just what I needed to hear
myself I did it again and we broke up again. this is the 5th time we broke up. only lasted a month and a week this time . now I.have to suffer the pain of the breakup again. and face my loneliness
I was shocked into an " Ah HA!" thunderbolt moment of epiphany by the truth of this video. For the first time I was able to laugh about my break up a little, seeing my own behavior so clearly.
Am saving it for what Im sure will be repeated future references. Thank you so much!
Listening to it everyday till I heal within,i am very thankful to you
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for commenting.
These are some of the best mental resources I've come across!
Glad my work brings benefit. I appreciate the feedback.
If this video is helpful then may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in conversations at length in the Community. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Spot on! Took me awhile to stop lying to myself. I'm so glad I finally got it. 😊❤
I hear you. Glad my work speaks to you.
How did you manage to get it because I'm struggling here in a 2-month relationship with it introverted person who barely contacts me
@teatalkwithme for me, I just had to have some real talk to myself. I feel in these situations, it can be too easy to tell ourselves lies in order to feel better. That's my take away. It's very painful tho.
You are so right Alan this is no different than being hooked on a very bad drug and the only way to get away from it is to get away from the people and places you can access it! Awesome advice 👍
Glad you like this video. Thanks for the comment. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
I was with him for 10 yrs and he left and found some other woman when I thought that he loved me so much, and it was just more of his ongoing lies to me. I can't stop crying, I let him go and I won't take him back but it doesn't change how hurt I am.
Wow, this is powerful and super helpful. Glad I've found this today. I've got rid of my anxiety and I'm feeling relieved.
Thank you so so much for sharing that and for being so brutally honest in such a brilliant and wonderful way - I love everything about it - the series in general ♥️
thank you for the fuel and empowerment in order for me to step into my truth and honesty and have the bridges burn brightly 🔥
I'm so grateful that I found this video now I can learn to heal
Spot on. Felt like I was talking to myself in the language of truth. Thank you.
Glad this resonates. Thanks for seeing my efforts to offer explanation.
Need to listen 100 times in a row
I am going through this process right now thanks for making things so clear for me. I know what I must do. And I pray for the courage to do it
You are so welcome. Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Magnificent and spot on. So many thanks for this wonderful work that you do. It clarified so many things I think my intuition was aware of but the rest of me disregarded.
This was great. Painted a clear & objective picture to me of what me & my ex are both doing thus taking out the fantasy element and making the prospect of reunion less attractive. Has anyone else tried this & if so, what wording did you use & what was the final outcome? Did you feel relief?
Thank you for amazing content!!
I like this? That is just crazy....I totally love the fantasy...it will be different, better, and I take the memories and diminish the struggle...and all the dysfunction..."love amnesia"...LOL....The fantasy that I am going to be loved the right way one day by him...is truly what I am doing to myself. So I have to create new memories...Its hard when I take care of a sick Father...for me to be alone all day with no real human contact and connection...this is a state of great grief.....for me.
Going through a separation rather than a breakup, due to circumstances. So the love is still there and there's no bad behavior to focus on ....just that it can't work 😢
Empathy to you as you process through this ending. Glad you connected with this video. Good you are reaching for helpful resources. Please also share this video with a friend who may find it helpful. Thanks.
What if you do change for the first time? I never listen to my wife until she asked for a separation. I have since had counseling and learned more about my attachment issues. But she still envisions me as the same guy. She needs space but I don't believe she believes I will ever change... because for years I never listened.
Bccc Secret society
Same. Married 21 years. Lots of counseling over the years to deal with his ADD and rage episodes. All this focus on his obvious flaws made me not see or work on my own. He just walked out the door.
7:27 hallelujah! thank you so much this is perfect.
thanka alan. i really needed to hear this. best video so far in my journey
Thankyou I NEED too be strong not weak .
Oh wow....This really hit hard! I love how REAL he is, NO SUGAR COAT! YOU CHOOSE THIS! YOU LOVE THIS! SOOOOO many things he said really resonated with me and my situation. Its true, I was putting my life on hold..a way to run away from my life. I had to own up to that with myself and quit LYING and being dishonest to myself about the reality of my situation. I will use Positive Distractions to move forward and heal! Thank you for your videos! Most of all THANK YOU for being very direct and real! Im a tough love type of person sometimes..I need to hear someone tell it like it is!
My problem is that i cannot get over the disappointment and anger along with thoughts of revenge associated with this breakup. Any ideas? I really dont want her back in my life, but i cant let go. Im a year post discard and really want to move on and not be obsessed anymore. i know that i will never forget, but i want to get past this so that i can move on.
Incredible advice. Thank you!🙏🏻❤️😊
You are completely amazing. I have to reinvent myself every time I turn around
Alan, it’s like you’re living in my brain. I guess fantasy of what could be is way safer and more dependable than taking a risk and being with someone securely attached. The only question is, are there really people with a secure attachment style?
Thank you again!
Let me keep this video close and listen to it anytime my ex texts me lol. On my own I'm able to do my thing but he texted me two days ago and it's like the old emotions FLOODED back in and all the bullshit and all my boundaries went out the window. And it was my attachment injury saying LOOK! CONNECTION! We can have it again!! There is hope!!!! So thank you Alan. I needed to be reminded and I needed to be grounded. I rationalised our contact as ''well maybe we can apologize to each other and be friends'' but that still is a hope that we will be somehow connected. And maybe we are better off not having any contact at all because he doesn't respect my boundaries and manipulates me.
Why not just block the number ?
If you broke up once, and now trying to rebuild a friendship before starting anything again would Alan consider that toxic?
I think you'd both have to be really working towards healing yourself first and truly understanding your boundaries and the other person's. Dunno what he would say, I don't think everything is black and white.
@@rooish574 Great answer x
That's what I want with my ex of 8 weeks. He's a AA/DA and I'm chaotic.
I've been chasing so hard. In the whole 8 weeks we've been apart I've seen him twice. Once because I dropped his tv off and the second I ran I to him. I've been so out of my mind desperately trying to get in, but he's a stone cold wall. As soon as I get a little bit of caring from me he cuts me off again and I lash out out of that severed feeling all over again. I've really made everything so much worse. Today was the first whole week I've succeeded at no contact. And I just finished bawling my eyes out but it's different. It's getting better. I do want to try again, but there would have to be a dating long phase and clear two way work and discussions deeply going on. I doubt that's going to happen. But I really want to just have that talk in a while longer. When I'm a lot more secure and do more personal work with my schemas and attachment therapy.
I wish I could own this whole collection that Alan has on TH-cam I would like to have them on DVD or some kind of format this is amazing work.
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for sharing you value my work. Glad it brings you benefit.
There is another way to view the videos - in a library in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us in the conversations too: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Wow! I needed this! Thank you!
Holy truth bomb! Exactly what I needed to hear. THANK YOU.
Emily, I hear you. "Holy truth bomb" made me laugh. I'm glad to hear that this video was helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
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Thanks again.
Thank you for all your words of wisdom Alan!
Thanks for walking with us down the path of self love, self loyalty, self care, self esteem, self worth! ❤
And take good care of yourselves y'all!
'To thine own self be true'
So very helpful ... Thank you Alan!
Great job❤
O M G. This video!! 🌹🔥 I do such abuse to my beauty-full self not moving on very easily. I attach way to hard, and for nothing. It’s sad as f. I cry. Some take all four chambers of my heart and I best RUN from those, day one. My gosh.
No excitement ...just evey waking moment is absolute suffering pain , upset and more pain . I suffer all this ...but the obsessive behaviour , is like I am looking at me from behind a piece of glass ....
@@carl_naughton Do some big moving on and put it behind you, it’s not working for you.
It takes time. You are not alone in this.
This is exactly what I needed to hear.
Alan, you are changing my life.
Also, I feel very called out right now, which is a good thing.
Thanks for valuing my work. Glad you are finding it of benefit. This content sprouts from our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. To learn more about the Community click here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank You so Much Alan!
Your video speaks volumes
Thank you so much for your help!
Glad to hear this content speaks to you. Thanks for feedback and valuing my work. Since you like this video, please tag a friend and/or share it with others. Help me spread the word.
You really know your stuff. Very very helpful.
Omg Alan I have really identified with almost all of your videos and learn so much from you thank you so much for sharing your perspective and your skills with us. This video was so dead on and I really needed to hear it, and furthermore it just made me laugh out loud in my bathroom at the absurdity of it all and have a healthy laugh at myself for what I've been doing for almost two years since my breakup. I'm so tempted to actually send this over to my ex, but that would be codependent behavior. Thank you for this.
ugh so reallll and painful to hear
I am glad to hear this resonated for you. Join us in the community, Improve Your Relationships. The 8-week program offers a structured format where we talk about and explore relationships. You are invited to join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
very helpful and greatly appreciated really clarifies some things much thnx
Glad it was helpful! Thanks for valuing my work.
If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on the conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Read my entire story, why don’t you, Alan?!
Gosh this was that brutal truth! Whewwww! I love the truth. ❤️ it pisses me off, first and then I heal..🙌🏾🌻
Talking to me about my situation over the last 18 months. Everything rings true. 😞
I totally agree, after 5 months she decided to end it and went no contact (for good not for 30 days) she reached out a month later and we set a day to meet. We kind of started again but started acting cold and inconsistant like before she broke it off. Then I just said that's it and stopped comunicating. But she kept on reaching out, I always replied but kept it short, until last week she reached out as usual and did not reply, she texted again asking if am ok and still I didn't reply. I hope she gets the hint and does not contact me again.
Most helpful..thanks so much!!
Glad this is helpful! You're welcome.
If you like this video then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It dives deeper into what drives these behaviors. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Wow. Spot on. Brilliant.
You mungrel... You have worked me out lol. But seriously your amazingly accurate
Wow so correct, that's my ex and myself. This time it must be the end, it's cruel and we absolutely must go no contact
I hear you. Glad this video spoke to you.
Thanks Alan
You're welcome