Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Alan.... Wow... You hit the nail on the head. 2 and a half yrs I've been like this. Found out last week she was pregnant after saying she saw us having kids... That pulled me down further. She was a friend of mine for years and someone I loved being around. But, as I got to know her intimately, what you said happened. I still talk as if she's here!!!!! I am worried but you explained things that I've been working out. Especially the validation and love part. Thank you for this video. I hope it helps me. Martin (United Kingdom)
Thanks for the comment. Being bombarded with rumination can be constricting. Glad this video resonates for you. If you like this video please also share it with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
I tried watching this video fresh out of my breakup within one more. Now nearly 5 months later I’m coming back to this video again with a deeper and bigger perspective. I’m definitely ready to rewatch it
In the past 6 months, there have been times when I honestly thought I was losing my mind. And I was the one who left him, who knew he was not the right one for me, and who refused to accept his disrespect. I put him on ice and immediately began to obsess about him. Over and over: the unspoken conversations, the things I wish I had told him, the fantasies of what could have been....I wanted the constant looping to quit so badly and I would literally scream at myself to STOP! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone.
@@jessx-7745 Let's say it has been a long road to travel. Prayer has helped more than anything. All I wanted was peace of mind. My brain became a battlefield and I am so war-weary. I've had break ups before, so it is baffling to me why this one resulted in such mental agony. I'm done with trying to figure it out. I just want to survive it, overcome it, and move on.
@@supowell1 So in two months you don't really feel like you've made much progress? I'm going through the exact same thing that you've described. It's been a month. I just want out.
@@jessx-7745 Actually, I've made more progress in the past two weeks than in the whole 8 months of this turmoil. I started reading the Psalms and I have decided to just trust God for his peace, which passes all understanding. I'm not "there" yet. My brain still wants to replay the same old scenarios over and over. But I don't indulge my thoughts any more by following that trajectory of whys, why nots, ifs, if onlys...I make a very definite effort to stop myself. A few months ago, that was very difficult to do. But it has gotten easier. I do see light at the end of the tunnel. My only fear is that I will be so paranoid to go through this again, that I will never want to fall in love any more.
Realized that my obsession is heavily based on a lifelong pattern of people hurting me but almost never showing any remorse or doing anything to make amends, leaving me to move on and forgive on my own over and over again. Not only that, but I've done all that I can to heal from these traumas so that I don't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. I've reached this point where I'm tired of being the mature person, where I'm tired of carrying the weight of my healing, where I'm tired of going out of my way to ensure everyone else's happiness... I just want justice! I want reciprocation! I just want SOMEONE to reach out and say "I am so sorry I did that to you; I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you." How can I heal from all that without receiving some sort of apology/reciprocation?
The healing starts when you can forgive them and forgive yourself and then move on with your life. Because you may never get the apology or reciprocation you are wanting. We have to heal ourselves because we cannot change the past or the person that did those things to us. ❤
Aww. I felt every word you said. I know this is over 2 years old, but it made me tear up to see someone saying and feeling the exact way I do. I hope things are better for you these days.
@@stephanyvaldez1698 my gf cheated on me. I stayed with her for a couple more years, but could never get over what she did. She would tell me "you just need to get over it- you hold things above peoples heads- you hold onto things too long, blah blah blah. She's an evil person.
My brother said to me 'you wasn't happy and neither was he, let it go'. I now feel even more alone because he was my support but now I feel embarrassed to bring my breakup up.
18:32 - "This is really not about the other person. This is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships, or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world. To feel validated in this world. To feel affirmed and to feel loved." Memorizing!!!
Hi Mademoiselle Jiselle, Your first sentence is right on! The rest of your statement was the story of my life too. Together through videos like this & friends like you, I see hope in our future. All the best MJ!
Mine is multifaceted. I was bullied relentlessly as a kid. I put all of my identity into the woman because of it. She "free's" me from the bully. In addition to this, I had a mother who said 'you were a mistake" thus treated me like the stepchild to my brothers biological child status. I' m pretty fucked up
I am just learning I have seperation anxiety from childhood trauma/neglect but I have experienced this in every single relationship and even though I'm a social worker I could not understand why I do this. Ive "waited" for exes to come back for years thinking of them daily, wasting years of my life. For example, I've done this for the past 8 months over a 2 month relationship. Prior to that I did this for over 2 years over a 6 month relationship. I've cried on too many occasions to even count because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it is mentally exhausting. I would just think "Im not like normal people. It takes me so long to recover from a broken heart" and this causes me to stay alone. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Deirdra Martinez omg...ditto. I honestly felt alone. I found this video by accident, after watching the Holistic Psychologist page. As much as people love to joke about mommy or daddy issues, I repressed the fact that I’ve had some serious abandonment and separation anxiety issues that were deep rooted. I had a partner whom I felt was the love of my life. We dated twice and they left me both times and I felt shattered both times. (Local summer fling, then another attempt at a LDR, since we didn’t live in the same state). I remember feeling such a familiarity in my gut when I’d drop them off to the airport after visits: this overwhelming panic and uncontrollable crying. I only ever had that same feeling whenever I’d leave my mother’s house after biweekly visitations. My mother wrestled with drug addiction throughout my entire childhood and there would be years at a time where I wouldn’t see her, so I’ve always had attachment issues. Anywho, this video did bring to light some things I’ve failed to acknowledge.
Deirdra Martinez when my ex and I split the final time, they more or less admitted that they probably were making a mistake and that they were probably leaving “the one that got away”. I always felt that I’d see said person five years post-break up, after we got into new relationships, and it’d leave me gutted. In the past, I’ve felt that I’ve had unfinished business with this person, but holy hell, it’s super apparent by them that it’s not a matched feeling and desire. It just sucks to miss the stable, healthy, passionate and great things you shared.
@@FromTheAshes7 hello dear friend...I m too suffering post break up.... trying very hard to move on...but unable to forget her, I can't even sleep properly, her face appears
This is really not about the other person, this is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world, to feel validated in this world, to feel affirmed and to feel loved. I am crying so hard because this is so true. Thank you Alan for making me see.
You're welcome Binghua. Many of us can relate to the challenges you are facing. If the topic of the video resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yup, I felt you, being in a relationship but never being treated like how we deserved to be treated... Over time I started to hate myself because I always give in to what others want before my needs are met.
my rumination isn't about "what is so-n-so doing" or the like. mine is "how could someone be with someone for 10 yrs and they not ever give a flying f%^& about u??" and coming to grips with that reality.
Too many people like this inane comment . Either we need healthcare that covers mental health bc it’s too pricey or we need to learn that youtube is not therapy
I’m happy this video helped you but it won’t substitute therapy. If you’re going through this, you most definitely need to do some trauma healing from the past or you’ll repeat the same life pattern.
This explains so much why people keep getting pulled into toxic relationship cycles. It's not easy to just "leave them"... its deeper than that, its psychological but the everyday person is not able to realize that
Was sitting enjoying a good time w friends, and there was a lull in the conversation, and my mind literally jumped back to my obsessing over my ex…I actually caught myself and all I could do was shake my head and wondered how much longer this nonsense would go on.
This is what I’m currently going through. I’m sooo mentally and emotionally exhausted. I wish I could stop thinking of my ex but I do no matter what I distract myself with. I feel like I’m just constantly sad. I just want a clear mind.
I am in more or less the same place, I can be doing things to distract me, but it is always there underneath like a slow moving current that flows no matter what, it permeates my dreams, my day and night. It also exhausts mentally and emotionally. I believe for me, the nature of my ex and I created a trauma bound and I am always thinking about her it never ends.
Support groups and learn to do breathwork and meditation. Pray for the obsession to be lifted. Ask a greater power to release that bond. Let them go with love n try to remember that your still ok..with or without them. Youll live and are still going. F em. Lol
The seconds of peace when you first wake up is SO true for me! I can be lying there perfectly peaceful and 100% relaxed and then I start thinking and its over.
Glad to hear the comments give you hope and that you also resonate with this content. Many can relate with this experience. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
I have an obsessive ex who is constantly acting on her obsessions. I’ve blocked her on 5 different numbers, 4 different emails, and she’s even sent me mail through postage. I’ve even changed jobs and moved out of town. It all seems bizarre but after watching your video I feel empathy and compassion for her. Im finally able to let go of the frustration and anger because now I can understand her a bit more. It seems like becoming aware of one’s own internal processies and finding a support group can lead them to a path of recovery. I’m glad there are videos and people like you who have the wisdom and expertise to help others. But I personally wouldn’t send her this kind of resource since I have to remain in the “no contact” zone. I’ve been going strong for 8 months and just praying she will one day be set free of her personal issues. For now I feel like I have to sleep with one eye open until she wakes up to reality. Stay positive and don’t give up on yourselves everyone. I do hope she gets better and for anyone struggling with this to heal too.
I've been suffering from this for years. 6 years ago I was in a relationship with a person who broke it off with me and didn't give me a reason when I was going thru a divorce and it was horrifying and intense. I don't even think he's a good person but the symbol and representation of abandonment is so strong that I can't move forward. So I've been looping for years. I'd pay anyone to help me detach from this loop.
Hi casey lewis, Hope your suffering has subsided a bit. Sorry that you had to go through a divorce & a bad relationship. I'm only 4 mo. in my "looping/broken record" phase. Funny thing to imagine that we both focussed on someone that we knew was not a good person. Doesn't seem to have gotten better. But I am hopeful after reflecting on Alan's video that I need to focus on me.... That's the only plausible way to do get rid of this compulsion. I wish you the very best in your journey. You deserve it!
casey lewis I understand I replied to the wrong person ....I understand. ...I've had to start all over again after 33 years of marriage. ...I've am learning to have a better relationship with myself .....the one I neglected the most...
wow 6 year here for me too.I even remember the exact day and I reenact over and over in my head and I talk about her constantly too.It has kept me from moving on to new relationships.Sometimes I even feel like I'm cheating on my ex lol.
Its been over a year for me and im still having this backseat jealousy. How did you get over it? Did you find a sense of nourishment/love/emotional fulfilment from another external source?
I know this is because of my trauma. My parents used to neglect me and emotionally abuse me. My ex was the first person I could truly open up to about this and he was so supportive and loving, I felt like finally someone could understand the pain I’ve been through. He left me two weeks ago and I miss him so much. I feel like I lost my best friend, my lover, and he hit me where it hurt. Towards the end of my relationship he starting ignoring me and neglecting me: it hurts more than anything I’ve experienced in years.
Rachel Pahnke same here and mine started pushing me away and bossing me around. I guess I may have to move on and I’m really trying to but the thoughts keep coming back.
Omg Rachel, I experienced exactly the same. My ex broke up with me less than 2 weeks ago and he was so supportive and loving when I told him about my past childhood attachment issues... The last few months he become absent, distant and I felt like he couldnt give me the emotional intimacy that I wanted anymore.. He said he stayed in the relationship far longer than he wanted (he said he never experienced happiness or satisfaction from it in more than 1 year...) And this hurts soo soo much. Feel free to contact me when you want to let your heart out! 😘❤
Dreams are visualizations of your feelings. I tried to stop thinking about him before going to bed so that I don’t go to bed with a bad feeling which causes dreams which causes a sad feeling over the day ❤️
Dayane Pauletti I still think about her daily but it doesn’t sting that much. It’s more of an obsession at this point there isn’t really any emotions attached to it.
I think a lot of my obsessiveness was created because I made such a fool of myself during and especially after the breakup. My ego knew this and wanted so badly to correct the mistakes. So naturally I tried everything to get back with her, but it was too little, too late. The more she rejected me, the more I panicked. That panic then became my obsession. It's now been 3 1/2 years and sadly I'm still obsessed. I haven't spoken to her in a whole year and I imagine she's in another relationship. I've done pretty much everything in the book to let her go but my ego simply won't accept that she's gone. Just yesterday I threw away a sweater she had left at my house which was sitting tucked away in my drawer for all this time. That sweater was the only thing I had of hers so you better believe it meant a lot to me. It was so powerful that I couldn't even look at it. But I knew I had to throw it away. And so I decided that I had to. I literally reached for the sweater without even looking at it and placed it in a bag like a dead animal. I tied the bag and man-o-man, the trouble I had letting it go. But I eventually dumped it. Not that anything positive has happened I mean it's just a dumb, lifeless sweater but the meaning behind it really was significant. Anyway, I'm really struggling still and I know this on a concious level but I'm completely powerless. I pray to God almost everyday to give me a chance at life just one more time. 1 more time and I'll never, ever take advantage of a situation or an SO ever again. I just want to move past this because I deserve it. I've paid my dues. I feel I've paid my karmic debt. It's my turn at happiness. Please lord, Universe, whoever is listening, grant me this:)
This is my daily life.. obsession over him in my mind. Its killing me emotionally. I'm miserable but I look just fine on the outside. I do this everytime a relationship ends. I'm so over struggling over people who don't give a f*** about if I'm even alive or not. It's so refreshing to find out I'm not alone.
I've been there. :( Just. I had to give it a lot of time at events in my life to distract me from it, but low key? I'm still obsessed. It's just not every morning or even every day... But every so often, I'll get possessed by the obsession, the pain, this vicious need to know how certain exes are even if that need isn't real. It's just a want... But it's a want that takes over all my rationality and don't control. I try to talk myself down mentally, and I just can't. :( So we're on the same road to trying to heal
Same here ... it's instant in the mornings and I see my ex's face immediately ... memories pop up randomly ... and this accompanies my entire day ... it's a nightmare lasting for 6 months now ... haven't been able to stop texting her ... resulting in her blocking all messages ... not even trying to answer the numerous questions I have ... so many things she will not admit to etc. Leaving me with more mind-chaos. I wish I could just fast forward this.
There's must be something that triggers out during mornings. I am in the same situation: I wake up and out of the blue I'm starting to grieve, then it's better on but the morning is the worst part of the day (actually writing this in the morning ahahah)
You are an absolute genius, i'm embarrassed to say I've wasted literally years on this situation that was never even a relationship to begin with, I am a musician and have tried to channel it into my songs but I feel like enough is enough now. Thanks for giving us the tools to let go and validating our thought process's, it makes us feel less alone and less crazy.
This hits home for me in this area of self-awareness for the first time ever..... Literally consciousness -shifting... the light just came on after decades... Wow thank you for sharing 🙏🏻🙏🏻☺️
The therapy and self reflection Ive been able to achieve through this mans channel alone is more valuable than any self improvement or online therapy ive attempted. Its amazing how much improvement can be made once you realize “im not alone” and “theres a reason/clinical diagnosis for why my mind is this way”. Thank you.
I was told by a therapist, once, that my behavior was obsessive about my ex, I was like "obsessive? NO I AM NOT" after watching this I truly see that the therapist was right, of course she was but I was in denial. Thank you for making this video, I dont feel so alone right now. Maybe everything WILL be ok. Good luck to everyone in this struggle 😔
@@kaylawilliams1859 she didn't do much actually but listen to me complain. I stopped seeing her shortly after watching more videos by Alan Robarge, honest. Picked myself the hell up, met someone new and live a different outlook 🤙
This made me cry. I thought I was insane. This helped me so very much. However, now that I know what’s really behind it, how do I heal that loop, that foundational trauma?
@@Mentalcheez He said that you have to remove the projection of the place holder, you obsession is based on a deeper issue that goes beyond the individual. You have to explore your pain of not being nourished, not having the connection, that you desired in your past. In other words you are trying to fill a void. Look deeper and heal the intimacy you have longed for.
@@Mentalcheez I can't do the work for you I want to be clear that there is no answer I can give that will instantly change you. Leaving these obsessions behind is a journey of self discovery not a race just to reach the finish line. But I will share with you what I know in Hope's it will help your journey. I am still dealing with obsession but I am working to recover from my obsessive behavior. A little backstory I have gone as far as to sending love letters to an individual in jail, I have used public records to access people's personal addresses & phone numbers, I have driven from Texas to Florida in order to show up at an individual's doorstep unannounced, I have fallen for individuals after ONE & only one conversation with them from 3 years ago. This is just the Summary of the nature of my obsession. I learned that my childhood has everything to do with how I attach myself to others. Psychology calls it "Attachment Style" I come from a background where I saw my parents arguing alot, My caretaker was a babysitter aside from my parents, my babysitter caretakers were always being changed whenever I got comfortable with one just like that abruptly I would have to move and my parents would have to find me a new caretaker. The result of this along with my parents being highly critical of me, not mention my parents being emotionally explosive to me as a child created abandonment issues that fear of everything entering my life isn't here to stay and is here to leave. I started to think that I am not enough. When individuals leave my life I take it extremely personal so to prevent their departure from my life I will be on my toes, I will hold on to EVERY bit of access I have to them to stay in touch even after they have left and long forgotten me. As you can see I am not battling my obsessive behavior I am actually battling my broken childhood. I have to go back and be at peace with people entering my life for a reason, Season or lifetime. I look to relationships to be my escape and to rescue me from the chaos ever since I was a child I wanted a prince to come for me and take me away. When said high expectations are unmet which is ALL the time they trigger my obsessive behavior the calling, the stalking, the love letters, etc. I have healed by reading books, talking to my parents and letting them know the effect my childhood had on me. I heal by acknowledging these things but not using it as an excuse, instead of loving other people I learned to love myself, I take myself on a date, I take myself on a vacation, I write down my thoughts in a journa, I would exercise cause that raises your self esteem tremendously all of these are a part of the healing process. I hope this helps! We all are supposed to help each other on this journey. Each one teach one.
@@Mentalcheez Try reading books it has helped me alot with my healing process. I recommend "How We Love" by Kay & Milan(It teaches you about your Attachment Style). Also "Obsessive" by Susan this book teaches you how to stop your obsessive behavior.
How do we ever manage to heal from attachment trauma? I mean, the need for love and connection never goes away! Yet the inability to show up in a healthy dynamic is repeated no matter what! Do I just have to spend the rest of my life alone in this pain? How can I ever attempt another relationship when all the others were so dysfunctional? And even though I know what's healthy and unhealthy, I still can't stop being unhealthy in my relationships. I grieve. I grieve my trauma. Still it takes over my life. Beginning to believe I am simply not capable of loving or being loved by another.
No expert here - just a reflection of what I am facing... logically it seems that the most rational direction to take, is to find love to your self and for your self - then you will satisfy the feeling of love and probably you will shine brighter as an attractive person for someone else to share your space and time with :)
I feel the same way. What sadden me about this video is that the reason our brain is stuck is because it's been neglected and is desperately trying to fill that need. I understand love comes from within and we should love ourselves but we also need love and support from others so if that's not there how can you ever heal? The one person I had in my life for that died last year. I've never in my life felt empty but God do I now.
@@moseph8494 Its a conundrum isn't it :( Talking about your awareness and reflection, is a real good start I believe. May not be the right/best thing for everyone, and timing seems to play its role. But nonetheless, look what you have realized... you have realized yourself living in a way which is not bringing you the best out of life... now you have infront of you, unknown amount of time to fulfill what you wish for yourself or even for others - the strength of a relationship which impacted your life for the positive, could potentially contain what you need to drive you forwards, whether a lost one or closed doors to others. I wish for you to find your way and yourself, to identify patterns and triggers and self strength and purpose! :)
I knew it couldn't be about him, because I really didn't know him. It felt familiar. Felt like home. The same emotional neglect I'd felt my entire life. I stopped seeing him, but could not stop thinking of him and longing for him.
I feel the same Way! I ask my self I'm not together with him but he still leaves in my mind what was the point of braking up if I'm still thinking about him and making my self crazy!
It gets better with time, also try to make some huge changes for your future and your present, try to leave your comfort zone, that helps building your self worth up. It is crazy how a breakup changes your perception of the person but don't fall for it, that is not the reality what your mind is portraying. Also what really helped me was hitting the gym frequently. Eventually you will find love again and your ex will become nothing more than an emotionless memory.
God bless you. I have suffered from Obsession ever since my teenage years. This is the very first time someone sat down and explained to me what is actually happening and that I can do something zbout it.
I have been utterly distraught and broken hearted about someone who was terribly for me. They were distant, manipulative and used my sensitive nature as a weapon against me. In the months we’ve been apart, despite knowing how dreadful she was for me, I’ve ached for her, more powerfully than anything I’ve ever known. I’ve had a notion that my dreadful relationship with my father, a cruel, unstable man, who died some 15 years ago, has been a catalyst to attachment disorder & low self esteem. You’ve crystallised everything for me, you can’t know what this means to me. Thank you so much
this is me for almost two years -constant grief over one man from the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep but as exhausting as it was and is I felt comforted i 'loved' him so hard
18:33 “I have a history of not having meaningful relationships...” sometimes we go after relationships that feel like the ones which shaped us in our formative years. They offer bread crumbs. But we’re so hungry we’ll take them. Not realizing our brains have been hijacked in an intense addiction loop. The obsession is traumatic, too. What if the representation we are projecting is the unrequited love we are still searching for that we never received from our parents? And we still have relationships with them? 🤔
LinYouToo you are correct. I feel I havnt been loved in my life. But I LOVED my ex but had to get rid through violence but torture myself as to why it didn't last for me as I was so happy and had found love. he is on his 3rd wife and that bothers me greatly.x
My story too! All relationships broken/failed. Abuse and abandonment. The only one where real intimacy in every area just left after 9 months marriage. 💔😭 It's been 4 years and I still catch myself going there. We love Jerusalem because of our childhood abuse! It's no as easy as just get over it.
Sometimes it’s a word he/she said triggers this obsession. I was hanging out with a guy and he said something like “i wanna fall in love” implying that he was not in love with me. I obsessed over this sentence for weeks, even though i was not very fond of that guy. It obviously triggered a childhood trauma going back to the time when i felt abandoned by my family because they had to move to another city and i was left to the care of my grandparents for a year or so. It triggered the awful feelings of self-pity, insufficiency, being left out etc. This video is a great piece of work Doc, thank you indeed 🙏🏻
Yes, this has happened to me too. My parents were very dysfunctional. I never had a loving experience particularly with my mother. I truly believe people can mess you up, especially parents. We long for love and acceptance. So so sad. It truly does drain you and steals all your energy.
The best way to let go is admit you lost to whatever or whoever and let go. And go look for someone who is available. Find happiness that way. I've had to do this big style in the last couple of years I lost everyone who mattered to me. But I'm rebuilding and making New connections friends, possible partners.
Seriously.. this is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED! Only yesterday I was raging about how I was sick to death of feeling mentally tortured & haunted by my ex 24/7 & then this morning, I come across this! So THANK YOU.. you now have a very appreciative fan!!
Just got this message basically from my counselor, and now I'm hearing it again. So good! It's not about the person I'm obsessing over, it's about my own felt need that image or name helps me access. My counselor said it's like watching a movie that makes you cry, it helps you access that emotion.
sir whatever you said is correct. My childhood was very violent and even though my parents are now normal with me, I am not able to let go off their image in my mind. They do not appreciate me ever. They do not talk to me. I do not feel loved. That is why I am not able to let go off my ex boyfriend. He was the only one who accepted me as a friend fully and appreciated me. He wants to do breakup but i am like you are the only person in this world who has ever accepted me, if you go who will accept me or love me? It is very hard to live in a house where nobody appreciates you. Thank you so much sir, you helped me, now I know it is not about my bf but it is that need in me to be feeling accepted in relationships.
This was extremely helpful, my obsession is not even somebody with whom I`ve had meaningful relationship and yet still after 8 months my brain loops in circles.
I'm just so glad to know I'm not going crazy! LoL! It's been a yr since me an my ex broke up an sometimes my mind get out of control but I can say since I gave my life to Jesus it's getting better an I this to shall pass! Be blessed my brother
This is a brilliant explanation of why some of us badly struggle with letting go of the ex. I always thought it was a narcissistic trait in myself to think that I was finding it more difficult than some other people to move on but I am coming to understand there is a gaping attachment wound.
Thank you... going to memorize this. This explains this experience so well. It is an ongoing chatter. A death headache. It is exhausting. It is relentless. It’s a radio station you cannot turn off or a broken looping record. It is definitely an intrusion. I can put words to it now. The focus on the loss is because the mind is linking the symbol of other person to love, security, connection, validation, acceptance, reassurance, presence. The thought returning to him is the mind’s symbol for these feelings - like in a dream, the content is summarized in the symbol of the other person. The mind doesn’t communicate in words and language, but in images. Pull the projection of the feelings off the symbol, and focus on processing the profound grief of a life history of feeling disconnected and going without connection in life. It comes from a fundamental place of feeling disconnected. This is not about the other person - the symbol of other is a placeholder for this intense feeling of lack in life. The churn is due to the brain’s trauma from attachment wound perhaps since childhood and is about not having had relationships in my life that made me feel nourished, loved, validated, connected. Very well said.
This is so amazing. I’m mourning the loss of an abusive relationship and my ex is horrible to me. I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him until right now. Thank you.
Wow! Thanks! I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about him, even though it was LOGICALLY obvious that he was so, so wrong for me! Now I understand that he represented my unmet needs. That is such an eye opener!
Thank you. I’ve been crying almost every day and sometimes I even wrote to her even though I knew I was getting no answer. I couldn’t believe I missed her this much and she seems to be so fine without me. I felt I was going crazy. I just came up on this video… I obviously cried while watching it but I left the video knowing something that’s key and that’ll help me disassociate her from my personal problem: There’s unmet needs. I’m seeing a psychologist, hopefully he can help me figure out what those needs are. Thank you for deciding one day to post on youtube. I really needed this. I liked the video though I did not sub because I don’t consume this type of material daily. Still, I’ll never forget this.
Empathy to you. Many of us have been there as well. Thank you for letting me know my work is helpful. Wishing you self-gentleness. If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes into the origins of these behaviors as symptoms of attachment trauma. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Ohhhh, you TOTALLY nailed it Alan. I mean you EXACTLY described how I have been feeling for the last 10 months. Yes, I realized that my ex represented that void in me I was trying so desperately to fill with her. I was sure I had found my soul mate. It was wonderfully utter bliss for awhile. Why did it have to come crashing down so suddenly? I am Sisyphus incarnate. I want to love intensely and be loved intensely. Life is short. Thank you for your insight, counsel and guidance Alan. Much health to you .
Alan, you have answered my tragedy. Thank you so, so, so, much! You are the best!! I wish you were local, I'd be your patient! I was an abused orphan/servant in my step father's home...cannot go into details, publicly. I thank you!!...you cannot begin to imagine.
so sorry you had to endure that torture. i wish your well and i hope you find healing and can live the life as the beautiful, wonderful person you truly are....xoxoxo
I just want it to end. Logically, I know i deserve better but, emotionally, I feel stuck. Just like you said. My brain is in a loop that I can't break free from. I know that I yearn connections and I latch on when I think I finally am heard and loved. My issue is, I can't break away when it becomes toxic. I really want to overcome this.
Thank you for watching, and my empathy goes out to you for these experiences. The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes this is helpful! Im sitting here sobbing because I knew my mental obession is not normal or healthy. This will set me on path to healing. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your grief. Many of us can relate. This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I have been going through this for five years now and start losing hope that it'll end soon. it ruined my future in a way bc during crucial years of my life I've been merely functioning and not achieving. i wish my therapist would have put this issue on point like Alan did in the video. The realization that it is not about the other person creates a distance to them and i can breathe for a second. Just sharing this to show that this problem can not only go for weeks, months or over a year but easily even five years.
Everyone is different. When you need longer it means you have a good heart and re overanalysing what you did wrong or could have done better, and that makes you a good partner worth fighting for
@@savead6628 actually, i still think of this particular person but not in a "maybe they change their mind and come back" way. I finally got past that, since we got out of touch two years ago. I'm relieved this nightmare is over. But I am not past the feeling of having lost control over my life. So, in a way, I still feel the consequences of that particular situation. Even after seven years.
I love how much warmth and empathy there is in this explanation. I relate so heavily. It's very healing. From my own experience, I've seen so many "coaches" trying to fix "codependent" people, while implicitly (or explicitly) communicating contempt for these "codependent people" and their "weakness." It's no wonder these "broken codependent people" keep going back to their loops, because they aren't getting any empathy from other people in their lives. I don't even like 12 step programs for this reason, because the only way you can get the community connection of those groups is to be forced to focus on your brokenness and fixing yourself, which in the end, isn't really all that self compassionate. I don't need to be fixed, I'm not broken, I just need consistent love and connection.
So glad to have found this. I've been stuck in the loop for about 18 months, new information occasionally flaring it up when I felt it was going quiet at last. This video makes me feel like Im not going mad and Im not this crazy obsessive.
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us have also been there. So important to keep this conversation going. If this video is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in our conversations. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you Alan. This is definitely me. Attachment trauma related to emotional abandonment. Looking for love in all the wrong places! Married to quell the loneliness and hoping for 'attachment' only to find my partner was an emotional avoidant. Now dIvorced after 21 years at the age of and looping, looping, looping, reliving arguments blah, blah, blah! Your videos are giving me an insight. I need to prioritise my healing work!
I just want you to know that finding out that my ex is merely a place holder for the lack of love and connection was immensely helpful. The broken record in my mind has greatly decreased.!! Knowledge is power! Thank-you so much!
hbarnett, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is ‘Hands Down’ one of the Best things I have stumbled upon. I have suffered this my entire life, and only becoming aware of it in my forties. Thank You so much for explaining it, and putting such an abstract fairly unconscious anxiety into a understandable conscious way. Now I can work on strategies to ‘Not Get On That Train’ of thought when triggered. So beyond helpful, I cannot tell you how much. Blessings.
Natasha, I am glad this material resonates with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this! My daughters dad died a few months ago and then an off an on ex I’ve known for four years, well let’s just say he discarded me like trash and validated doing that, and I realized I’m traumatized. I already have complex ptsd from other things, but seeing my daughters dad I knew half my life in a coffin and holding our daughter while he laid lifeless, and then to also grieve someone still alive has just been a kick to the throat. Im grieving two men at once both very significant people that played roles in my life…..
This is so real ! I closed the door forever as I couldn’t manage her fearful avoidance and my anxious attachment. She just runs through my head. I just cry all the time. I’m so exhausted. The panic feelings in my stomach just tighten and burn and push me to reach out to her. I won’t under any circumstances. The grief is real…It’s crushing.
Relentless preoccupation is such a perfect explanation. Never had this issue before in my life but this separation has been the most difficult thing I've ever endured. I'm so exhausted and it makes me send endless msgs which pushes anyone away.
Thank you. I knew it wasn't about him as I didn't even really like him as a human, but the obsessive thinking about him and every detail of the relationship is now making sense. The idea that he is merely a symbol for unmet needs is very comforting and gives me something to work with. Thank you 💗
Great insight. Glad this is helpful and sparks reflection for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If this content is helpful and you would like to learn more about what is driving these behaviors then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Yup this plus coparenting with them, having a trauma bond with them, knowing they are actively sleeping with other people who they prefer over me, etc etc. It's a double whammy of wanting her for the validation and love and connection and feeling disgusted and betrayed by how quickly and casually she moved on and is able to sleep with others while I can't even imagine doing such a thing.
I know this video is relatively old, but I’m so glad I found it. I’ve been struggling with a break up over the past couple of days and just felt so crazy constantly thinking about my ex-partner. Everything you described in this video, I definitely related to not just in this recent breakup but also in the case of friendships ending. Thank you
Empathy to you. I'm sorry to hear about the relationships ending. Sounds painful. So many of us can relate to struggling after break-ups like this. Glad this video offered benefit. Grieving our losses is an ongoing conversation in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Jesus, I've been looking for this kind of material for years! I've been in so many toxic relationships over the years... I can't sleep and I've been having so many thoughts related to my ex-boyfriend. I already suscribed to your channel and I'll watch your videos on a daily basis. What an incredible channel! Thank you so much!
Am struggling with the memory of my ex.. I wish I never meet him he hurt me vary badly but he was never sorry about it.. I hate the memory of him.. I know am not crazy but my heart want let go and I hate that too
This really hit home for me. I am currently 42 and married to a wonderful man who is sweet, kind, and handsome and could not figure out why my brain kept getting stuck on this one guy from so long ago. My brain keeps thinking about this boyfriend I had in college 21 years ago and we only dated for maybe 6-7 months. I keep asking myself "Why am I even giving this guy a single thought??? We dated for a short time decades ago!" I wish I could erase him from my mind completely. But everything you said made 100% sense to me! I have childhood attachment trauma from neglect, and that boyfriend represents a time in my life when I felt my attachment needs most met (in my youth). Thank you so much for posting this!
Glad this speaks to you. I can tell this video sparked reflection for you by what you shared. Our brain does it's own thing sometimes. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to express and share these topics with others. Glad it brings value. Since this video is helpful, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into how our past influences our choices in relationships. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I see that this is an old video and I have watched it before. I am for the first time experiencing this behavior and thankfully I have done enough research around the subject that I know what is wrong with me, it's just doing the work to change those deep seeded tragic traumas that happened to me as a child. It IS EXHAUSTING! I hope it stops soon. It's only been a month so not long for me. Meditation has helped do some grieving from the breakup and the trauma. I can't wait to learn all the things I need to change to be healthier so I can try my new self out on someone new.
There are soooo many videos/articles/blogs with hints and tips on how to stop thinking about your ex. But this one has been the best for me by a country mile. Thank you for cutting right into the fundamental reasons on why this happens. I feel like I can really start to do some good, solid baseline work on healing past trauma now. I already feel such relief.
You're the only TH-camr that really understands. It's all-encompassing and ruins my ability to concentrate. You're right, it's that absent love and validation that I'm missing the most, not necessarily her, who drove me mad for so long. It'd so hard to switch off from it.
Rejection can seem like heartache,,,,but if they wanted you back you would do a 180 turn around and be fine,,,just remember if you was meant to be together you would,,,,and why would you want someone that dosent you,,and that could leave you...I know I was the PRISE,,not her..
This was so helpful, it’s been almost a year since my close friend/first love dumped me. She treated me like absolute garbage but I still can’t stop thinking about her. Like I register that she’s terrible but my heart still hurts when I think about her moving on and being happy. My family is very dysfunctional and I always felt cast aside by both parents, now I realize it might play a part in this
Your story brings up empathy. I can understand how emotionally challenging this is. Many of us go through something similar. Glad this video was helpful. It's during times like these that it would be helpful to have supportive resources. If this content is helpful then you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Some members have been there for over four years now. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community
My dad “traveled a lot” when I was younger, so I spent most of my childhood waiting for him to return home. I’m in my 20s now, still constantly waiting for people to return home. It has gotten better, but with a long way to go.
im pretty sure you just saved my life, i have never heard anyone literally describe my situation in the way you just did. and WOWOWOWWOW what a relief. holy guacamole. god bless u Alan Robarge
This is so accurate to what I’m going through relentlessly for the past 7 months. Thanks for making this video. I do think I’ve made them the symbol of the acceptance and love that I always wanted and now feel I’ve lost (despite the fact that they didn’t treat me well) I also do think it really is about the deeper problem of my own history of feeling disconnected and lonely that I’ve struggled with for a long time.
thank you Alan! This was right on point. You unwrapped what I am experiencing right now and makes me feel more at ease to know the reasons of my obsessing called 'attachment trauma'. I always thought that if my partner resembles a lot of my father's great qualities, then it is the best possible scenario! Instead I got deeper attached and created a 'placeholder' for love that was actually hard earned when I was a child. I am a coach myself who needs to show up balanced in her life in order to help others and be authentically there to serve. Your videos help me clear the chaos and gain back my energy, hope and power! Here is to recovery!
So glad I found this video. I felt like no one understood how I’ve been stuck in the loop. I don’t have any childhood issues from my parents, but I believe feeling like an outsider at a private school as a child is the root of my problem. I never felt like I belonged, which turned into validation and self esteem issues. So relieving to see this video and know others deal with these issues as well.
Elisa, that is amazing to hear. That is healing and growth. Good for you for stepping up and honoring yourself. An end to suffering sooner rather than later. I know I responded to your other comment, but I wanted to add that my online Community, Improve Your Relationships, is designed for people to learn and grow, without getting in too deep into situations that aren't good for us. I know how important it is to have that when you begin to put in the work. This community is one full of understanding, supportive, and kind people who are dedicated to learning and healing, as well as dedicated to encouraging other members in their own journey of learning and healing. There is never any pressure or judgment, and everyone's voice is welcome. Join in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thank you for sharing. It's a #healingwin!
Thank you for this video!!! I cut off all contact over 3 years ago and every once in a while I get these reminders of him. I am retraining my brain not to think about this. I forbid myself from looking at photos of him and I together, and I have deleted all the photos of us together from my iPhone. No more unhealthy obsession.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Really grateful for your channel
Thank you for this caring and respectful statement. You truly make us feel valued.
Alan.... Wow... You hit the nail on the head. 2 and a half yrs I've been like this. Found out last week she was pregnant after saying she saw us having kids... That pulled me down further. She was a friend of mine for years and someone I loved being around. But, as I got to know her intimately, what you said happened. I still talk as if she's here!!!!! I am worried but you explained things that I've been working out. Especially the validation and love part. Thank you for this video. I hope it helps me.
Martin (United Kingdom)
so true about waking up and only having a few seconds of peace before being bombarded with the rumination/obsession.
Thanks for the comment. Being bombarded with rumination can be constricting. Glad this video resonates for you. If you like this video please also share it with a friend who may benefit. Thanks.
Agree 100%. For me, the rumination is by far the worst of all the aftermath emotions. Five years on and I’m still stuck in the cycle.
This is exactly what happens to me ...its exhausting trying to get through a day 😪
This is me. Everyday. I'm exhausted and tired.
@@Shabaka87 the pain it causes is horrific ....so tired of it all 😢
Who else couldnt pay attention to the video because our minds are preoccupied ?
🙋🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Me obsessing over an ex
Did it pass? Update pls :(
I tried watching this video fresh out of my breakup within one more. Now nearly 5 months later I’m coming back to this video again with a deeper and bigger perspective. I’m definitely ready to rewatch it
In the past 6 months, there have been times when I honestly thought I was losing my mind. And I was the one who left him, who knew he was not the right one for me, and who refused to accept his disrespect. I put him on ice and immediately began to obsess about him. Over and over: the unspoken conversations, the things I wish I had told him, the fantasies of what could have been....I wanted the constant looping to quit so badly and I would literally scream at myself to STOP! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone.
Holy shit that's exactly what I'm going through now, your comment was 2 months ago how do you feel now??
@@jessx-7745 Let's say it has been a long road to travel. Prayer has helped more than anything. All I wanted was peace of mind. My brain became a battlefield and I am so war-weary. I've had break ups before, so it is baffling to me why this one resulted in such mental agony. I'm done with trying to figure it out. I just want to survive it, overcome it, and move on.
@@supowell1 So in two months you don't really feel like you've made much progress? I'm going through the exact same thing that you've described. It's been a month. I just want out.
@@jessx-7745 Actually, I've made more progress in the past two weeks than in the whole 8 months of this turmoil. I started reading the Psalms and I have decided to just trust God for his peace, which passes all understanding. I'm not "there" yet. My brain still wants to replay the same old scenarios over and over. But I don't indulge my thoughts any more by following that trajectory of whys, why nots, ifs, if onlys...I make a very definite effort to stop myself. A few months ago, that was very difficult to do. But it has gotten easier. I do see light at the end of the tunnel. My only fear is that I will be so paranoid to go through this again, that I will never want to fall in love any more.
Been going through the same for 7 months...am still in love with him
Realized that my obsession is heavily based on a lifelong pattern of people hurting me but almost never showing any remorse or doing anything to make amends, leaving me to move on and forgive on my own over and over again. Not only that, but I've done all that I can to heal from these traumas so that I don't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. I've reached this point where I'm tired of being the mature person, where I'm tired of carrying the weight of my healing, where I'm tired of going out of my way to ensure everyone else's happiness... I just want justice! I want reciprocation! I just want SOMEONE to reach out and say "I am so sorry I did that to you; I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to you."
How can I heal from all that without receiving some sort of apology/reciprocation?
This is painful. I feel for you and hope you are doing ok.
Sounds a lot like cluster b lack of accountability
The healing starts when you can forgive them and forgive yourself and then move on with your life. Because you may never get the apology or reciprocation you are wanting. We have to heal ourselves because we cannot change the past or the person that did those things to us. ❤
Aww. I felt every word you said. I know this is over 2 years old, but it made me tear up to see someone saying and feeling the exact way I do. I hope things are better for you these days.
I feel the same.
Therefore the remarks of others " Aren't you over that yet?!" is the most cruel remark on earth!
That adds insult to injury. I know how painful it is.
@@stephanyvaldez1698 my gf cheated on me. I stayed with her for a couple more years, but could never get over what she did. She would tell me "you just need to get over it- you hold things above peoples heads- you hold onto things too long, blah blah blah. She's an evil person.
Absolutely!
My brother said to me 'you wasn't happy and neither was he, let it go'. I now feel even more alone because he was my support but now I feel embarrassed to bring my breakup up.
there is a point where it needs to be said, ie when you see someone tearing themselves apart with complex grief
18:32 - "This is really not about the other person. This is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships, or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world. To feel validated in this world. To feel affirmed and to feel loved."
Memorizing!!!
Hi Mademoiselle Jiselle,
Your first sentence is right on! The rest of your statement was the story of my life too.
Together through videos like this & friends like you, I see hope in our future.
All the best MJ!
Mademoiselle Jiselle I
Mine is multifaceted. I was bullied relentlessly as a kid. I put all of my identity into the woman because of it. She "free's" me from the bully.
In addition to this, I had a mother who said 'you were a mistake" thus treated me like the stepchild to my brothers biological child status.
I' m pretty fucked up
Hmm tell me about it me too!
Brilliant
This belongs on national television.
Tia Dobi agreed!
Yes!! 👏👏
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I m not obsessing! They let me nothing else to do... No other people to relate to, no occupation nothing.....
Lol
I am just learning I have seperation anxiety from childhood trauma/neglect but I have experienced this in every single relationship and even though I'm a social worker I could not understand why I do this. Ive "waited" for exes to come back for years thinking of them daily, wasting years of my life. For example, I've done this for the past 8 months over a 2 month relationship. Prior to that I did this for over 2 years over a 6 month relationship. I've cried on too many occasions to even count because I didn't know what was wrong with me and it is mentally exhausting. I would just think "Im not like normal people. It takes me so long to recover from a broken heart" and this causes me to stay alone. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
I have the exact same problem girl 😓 it’s so exhausting! I’ve been extremely heartbroken for 6 months over a 1 month relationship!
Deirdre Martinez. I'm still waiting after 43 years.
Deirdra Martinez omg...ditto. I honestly felt alone. I found this video by accident, after watching the Holistic Psychologist page. As much as people love to joke about mommy or daddy issues, I repressed the fact that I’ve had some serious abandonment and separation anxiety issues that were deep rooted. I had a partner whom I felt was the love of my life. We dated twice and they left me both times and I felt shattered both times. (Local summer fling, then another attempt at a LDR, since we didn’t live in the same state). I remember feeling such a familiarity in my gut when I’d drop them off to the airport after visits: this overwhelming panic and uncontrollable crying. I only ever had that same feeling whenever I’d leave my mother’s house after biweekly visitations. My mother wrestled with drug addiction throughout my entire childhood and there would be years at a time where I wouldn’t see her, so I’ve always had attachment issues. Anywho, this video did bring to light some things I’ve failed to acknowledge.
Deirdra Martinez when my ex and I split the final time, they more or less admitted that they probably were making a mistake and that they were probably leaving “the one that got away”. I always felt that I’d see said person five years post-break up, after we got into new relationships, and it’d leave me gutted. In the past, I’ve felt that I’ve had unfinished business with this person, but holy hell, it’s super apparent by them that it’s not a matched feeling and desire. It just sucks to miss the stable, healthy, passionate and great things you shared.
@@FromTheAshes7 hello dear friend...I m too suffering post break up.... trying very hard to move on...but unable to forget her, I can't even sleep properly, her face appears
This is really not about the other person, this is about how I have a history of not having meaningful relationships or I do not have relationships with people who offer a level of emotional engagement that I need to feel nourished in this world, to feel validated in this world, to feel affirmed and to feel loved.
I am crying so hard because this is so true. Thank you Alan for making me see.
You're welcome Binghua. Many of us can relate to the challenges you are facing. If the topic of the video resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I felt this one... 😪
Yup, I felt you, being in a relationship but never being treated like how we deserved to be treated... Over time I started to hate myself because I always give in to what others want before my needs are met.
I'm in the same boat 😢
I feel you..I've been in the same types of relationships
my rumination isn't about "what is so-n-so doing" or the like. mine is "how could someone be with someone for 10 yrs and they not ever give a flying f%^& about u??" and coming to grips with that reality.
Earthing Earthling 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽Perfectly said.
Prob bc they are cluster b
Girl yes it is so insane! I feel you
This may not be entirely so.....?
Its possible my hubby of 13 years just upped & left
The concept that the person is just a representation of love to the mind, is a really helpful point.
You just saved me thousands on a psychologist. I can not express how useful this information was to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Brilliant.
Amy Osborn man you shouldn’t use TH-cam as a sub for therapy
Tatyanakk I’m cringing . Not that the video was bad it’s great . This is not the same as therapy
Too many people like this inane comment . Either we need healthcare that covers mental health bc it’s too pricey or we need to learn that youtube is not therapy
I’m happy this video helped you but it won’t substitute therapy. If you’re going through this, you most definitely need to do some trauma healing from the past or you’ll repeat the same life pattern.
He is spot on. This obsessing is like a love addiction. Im going through this now and it was only a two month relationship. Really crazy.
how have you overcome it? literally in the same position.
@@aishwaryavijay8787 me too rn… that’s crazy.. I thought I was alone in this 😞
@@marcelaperez4126 same here
Same... I'm struggling so much everyday, only 2 month relationship as well.
Same here..I can't wait to be free from thinking about her
This explains so much why people keep getting pulled into toxic relationship cycles. It's not easy to just "leave them"... its deeper than that, its psychological but the everyday person is not able to realize that
Everyone struggles at some level.😌
Thank you for understanding me
Was sitting enjoying a good time w friends, and there was a lull in the conversation, and my mind literally jumped back to my obsessing over my ex…I actually caught myself and all I could do was shake my head and wondered how much longer this nonsense would go on.
My new motto..... Ex-name is a symbol. It is not about him, but about me.
Made sense to me as well ...I'm ruminating over an ex who is more a symbol /personification of my ideal gf.
Powerful
I know a strong and spiritual one who can help you bring your Ex back
How are you now 4 years on??
@@johngallagher72 how are you now 3 years later?
This is what I’m currently going through. I’m sooo mentally and emotionally exhausted. I wish I could stop thinking of my ex but I do no matter what I distract myself with. I feel like I’m just constantly sad. I just want a clear mind.
How are you now 2 years later??
I am in more or less the same place, I can be doing things to distract me, but it is always there underneath like a slow moving current that flows no matter what, it permeates my dreams, my day and night. It also exhausts mentally and emotionally. I believe for me, the nature of my ex and I created a trauma bound and I am always thinking about her it never ends.
Support groups and learn to do breathwork and meditation. Pray for the obsession to be lifted. Ask a greater power to release that bond. Let them go with love n try to remember that your still ok..with or without them. Youll live and are still going. F em. Lol
Does it ever stop? Im in that place rn
@@akmcff ]
The seconds of peace when you first wake up is SO true for me! I can be lying there perfectly peaceful and 100% relaxed and then I start thinking and its over.
This comment section gives me hope. Thought I was the only human to feel such disturbing thoughts that I feel embarassed to share. Thanks a ton ❤️❤️❤️
Glad to hear the comments give you hope and that you also resonate with this content. Many can relate with this experience. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
I have an obsessive ex who is constantly acting on her obsessions. I’ve blocked her on 5 different numbers, 4 different emails, and she’s even sent me mail through postage. I’ve even changed jobs and moved out of town. It all seems bizarre but after watching your video I feel empathy and compassion for her. Im finally able to let go of the frustration and anger because now I can understand her a bit more. It seems like becoming aware of one’s own internal processies and finding a support group can lead them to a path of recovery. I’m glad there are videos and people like you who have the wisdom and expertise to help others. But I personally wouldn’t send her this kind of resource since I have to remain in the “no contact” zone. I’ve been going strong for 8 months and just praying she will one day be set free of her personal issues. For now I feel like I have to sleep with one eye open until she wakes up to reality. Stay positive and don’t give up on yourselves everyone. I do hope she gets better and for anyone struggling with this to heal too.
I've been suffering from this for years. 6 years ago I was in a relationship with a person who broke it off with me and didn't give me a reason when I was going thru a divorce and it was horrifying and intense. I don't even think he's a good person but the symbol and representation of abandonment is so strong that I can't move forward. So I've been looping for years. I'd pay anyone to help me detach from this loop.
Hi casey lewis,
Hope your suffering has subsided a bit. Sorry that you had to go through a divorce & a bad relationship. I'm only 4 mo. in my "looping/broken record" phase. Funny thing to imagine that we both focussed on someone that we knew was not a good person.
Doesn't seem to have gotten better. But I am hopeful after reflecting on Alan's video that I need to focus on me.... That's the only plausible way to do get rid of this compulsion.
I wish you the very best in your journey. You deserve it!
Tigerprint79 I have just went though a divorce after 33 years of marriage ..I understand
casey lewis I understand I replied to the wrong person ....I understand. ...I've had to start all over again after 33 years of marriage. ...I've am learning to have a better relationship with myself .....the one I neglected the most...
casey lewis wow 6 years I did 8 moth and i moved on it's hard as it is but move on with life 11years for me wasted
wow 6 year here for me too.I even remember the exact day and I reenact over and over in my head and I talk about her constantly too.It has kept me from moving on to new relationships.Sometimes I even feel like I'm cheating on my ex lol.
This is a deep video. My ex represented the love and acceptance that I longed and still long for.
It’s also a constant jealousy for me. Constantly thinking about him being with other people and seeing him do so on social media.
How are you now? How’s it going now?
@@evearcana2392 I got over it completely! It takes time but you’ll get there.
@@TheTurquoiseAlien I appreciate this comment. Thanks Morgan.
Its been over a year for me and im still having this backseat jealousy. How did you get over it? Did you find a sense of nourishment/love/emotional fulfilment from another external source?
@@kayaxe ^^ also curious to know this :) (commenting again so the person sees this)
"The brain perceives you're not loved. Your past recalls the absence & pack of connection." So very true and great break down
Oh wow… out of thousands of videos on breakups, this one really hit home.
Empathy to you.
3.1 k people liked this video obviously in utter heartbreak. No wonder life is so hard. 😢
Hot Damn that’s just this video, thousands of other videos have other viewers going through it as well. It’s everywhere.
Now at 5.4k....i added my like. Im in the same pattern obsessing over a guy who treated me like crap
6.4k
Deepthi Prabha over 7k now
370 k
I know this is because of my trauma. My parents used to neglect me and emotionally abuse me. My ex was the first person I could truly open up to about this and he was so supportive and loving, I felt like finally someone could understand the pain I’ve been through. He left me two weeks ago and I miss him so much. I feel like I lost my best friend, my lover, and he hit me where it hurt. Towards the end of my relationship he starting ignoring me and neglecting me: it hurts more than anything I’ve experienced in years.
Rachel Pahnke same here and mine started pushing me away and bossing me around. I guess I may have to move on and I’m really trying to but the thoughts keep coming back.
Rachel Pahnke Neurofeedback therapy love- look into it and free yourself
Omg Rachel, I experienced exactly the same. My ex broke up with me less than 2 weeks ago and he was so supportive and loving when I told him about my past childhood attachment issues... The last few months he become absent, distant and I felt like he couldnt give me the emotional intimacy that I wanted anymore.. He said he stayed in the relationship far longer than he wanted (he said he never experienced happiness or satisfaction from it in more than 1 year...) And this hurts soo soo much. Feel free to contact me when you want to let your heart out! 😘❤
Same as my situation now. Did u heal from him?
@@sanne433 how did u heal?? I cannot get over him
I don’t even get ten seconds in the morning because she’s in my dreams every night
Dreams are visualizations of your feelings. I tried to stop thinking about him before going to bed so that I don’t go to bed with a bad feeling which causes dreams which causes a sad feeling over the day ❤️
Moi Maris Exactly. Still have them sometimes, but they stopped for the most part
I know a strong and spiritual one who can help you bring your Ex back
@@moimaris3369 I know a strong and spiritual one who can help you bring your Ex back
Dayane Pauletti I still think about her daily but it doesn’t sting that much. It’s more of an obsession at this point there isn’t really any emotions attached to it.
I think a lot of my obsessiveness was created because I made such a fool of myself during and especially after the breakup. My ego knew this and wanted so badly to correct the mistakes. So naturally I tried everything to get back with her, but it was too little, too late. The more she rejected me, the more I panicked. That panic then became my obsession. It's now been 3 1/2 years and sadly I'm still obsessed. I haven't spoken to her in a whole year and I imagine she's in another relationship. I've done pretty much everything in the book to let her go but my ego simply won't accept that she's gone. Just yesterday I threw away a sweater she had left at my house which was sitting tucked away in my drawer for all this time. That sweater was the only thing I had of hers so you better believe it meant a lot to me. It was so powerful that I couldn't even look at it. But I knew I had to throw it away. And so I decided that I had to. I literally reached for the sweater without even looking at it and placed it in a bag like a dead animal. I tied the bag and man-o-man, the trouble I had letting it go. But I eventually dumped it. Not that anything positive has happened I mean it's just a dumb, lifeless sweater but the meaning behind it really was significant. Anyway, I'm really struggling still and I know this on a concious level but I'm completely powerless. I pray to God almost everyday to give me a chance at life just one more time. 1 more time and I'll never, ever take advantage of a situation or an SO ever again. I just want to move past this because I deserve it. I've paid my dues. I feel I've paid my karmic debt. It's my turn at happiness. Please lord, Universe, whoever is listening, grant me this:)
I hope you're doing better today!
ugh I know exactly what you're feeling. I did so many things wrong...
@@stereodyke Hey buddy, how are you feeling now? Did it get better for you?
This is the most spot on content about emotional trauma.
It is so exhausting when this happens. It then makes me mad that I can't stop. Thank you for talking about this.
This is my daily life.. obsession over him in my mind. Its killing me emotionally. I'm miserable but I look just fine on the outside. I do this everytime a relationship ends. I'm so over struggling over people who don't give a f*** about if I'm even alive or not. It's so refreshing to find out I'm not alone.
Shay same here😭
Shay same here😭
Same 😭
Same here!😢
Leave you, talk about you, and act like you don't exist anymore. It hurts.
As soon as I wake up in the morning and doesn't even go to 10 seconds...feel it in my body as well. Like walking up into a nightmare. Horrible.
I've been there. :( Just. I had to give it a lot of time at events in my life to distract me from it, but low key? I'm still obsessed. It's just not every morning or even every day... But every so often, I'll get possessed by the obsession, the pain, this vicious need to know how certain exes are even if that need isn't real. It's just a want... But it's a want that takes over all my rationality and don't control. I try to talk myself down mentally, and I just can't. :( So we're on the same road to trying to heal
Same here ... it's instant in the mornings and I see my ex's face immediately ... memories pop up randomly ... and this accompanies my entire day ... it's a nightmare lasting for 6 months now ... haven't been able to stop texting her ... resulting in her blocking all messages ... not even trying to answer the numerous questions I have ... so many things she will not admit to etc. Leaving me with more mind-chaos. I wish I could just fast forward this.
@@INTOTHEPIT how are you doing today?
There's must be something that triggers out during mornings. I am in the same situation: I wake up and out of the blue I'm starting to grieve, then it's better on but the morning is the worst part of the day (actually writing this in the morning ahahah)
@@simonerinaldo9881 Your mind has rested for the night and in the morning it all pops back.
You are an absolute genius, i'm embarrassed to say I've wasted literally years on this situation that was never even a relationship to begin with, I am a musician and have tried to channel it into my songs but I feel like enough is enough now. Thanks for giving us the tools to let go and validating our thought process's, it makes us feel less alone and less crazy.
Mine wasn't a relationship either. Just a hook up . Sleep together a few times. Yet I got 🪝 hooked big time . The man does not even call me
This hits home for me in this area of self-awareness for the first time ever..... Literally consciousness -shifting... the light just came on after decades... Wow thank you for sharing 🙏🏻🙏🏻☺️
The therapy and self reflection Ive been able to achieve through this mans channel alone is more valuable than any self improvement or online therapy ive attempted. Its amazing how much improvement can be made once you realize “im not alone” and “theres a reason/clinical diagnosis for why my mind is this way”. Thank you.
I appreciate the feedback. That's great this content has been so beneficial for you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content.
I was told by a therapist, once, that my behavior was obsessive about my ex, I was like "obsessive? NO I AM NOT" after watching this I truly see that the therapist was right, of course she was but I was in denial. Thank you for making this video, I dont feel so alone right now. Maybe everything WILL be ok. Good luck to everyone in this struggle 😔
Hey hope all is well what did she suggest you do
Most therapists are not qualified.
@@sheldor73 so what is the solution to not being so obsessive ?
@@teampyro911 yes
@@kaylawilliams1859 she didn't do much actually but listen to me complain. I stopped seeing her shortly after watching more videos by Alan Robarge, honest. Picked myself the hell up, met someone new and live a different outlook 🤙
This made me cry. I thought I was insane. This helped me so very much. However, now that I know what’s really behind it, how do I heal that loop, that foundational trauma?
I wondered the same thing.. What's the action step there? Maybe it's just being aware and giving it time. Not sure.
@@Mentalcheez He said that you have to remove the projection of the place holder, you obsession is based on a deeper issue that goes beyond the individual. You have to explore your pain of not being nourished, not having the connection, that you desired in your past. In other words you are trying to fill a void. Look deeper and heal the intimacy you have longed for.
@@doctordl7757 "look deeper and heal"? How does one "heal"? Thanks, but I'm looking for much more precision than that. I'll figure it out eventually!
@@Mentalcheez I can't do the work for you I want to be clear that there is no answer I can give that will instantly change you. Leaving these obsessions behind is a journey of self discovery not a race just to reach the finish line. But I will share with you what I know in Hope's it will help your journey. I am still dealing with obsession but I am working to recover from my obsessive behavior. A little backstory I have gone as far as to sending love letters to an individual in jail, I have used public records to access people's personal addresses & phone numbers, I have driven from Texas to Florida in order to show up at an individual's doorstep unannounced, I have fallen for individuals after ONE & only one conversation with them from 3 years ago. This is just the Summary of the nature of my obsession. I learned that my childhood has everything to do with how I attach myself to others. Psychology calls it "Attachment Style" I come from a background where I saw my parents arguing alot, My caretaker was a babysitter aside from my parents, my babysitter caretakers were always being changed whenever I got comfortable with one just like that abruptly I would have to move and my parents would have to find me a new caretaker. The result of this along with my parents being highly critical of me, not mention my parents being emotionally explosive to me as a child created abandonment issues that fear of everything entering my life isn't here to stay and is here to leave. I started to think that I am not enough. When individuals leave my life I take it extremely personal so to prevent their departure from my life I will be on my toes, I will hold on to EVERY bit of access I have to them to stay in touch even after they have left and long forgotten me. As you can see I am not battling my obsessive behavior I am actually battling my broken childhood. I have to go back and be at peace with people entering my life for a reason, Season or lifetime. I look to relationships to be my escape and to rescue me from the chaos ever since I was a child I wanted a prince to come for me and take me away. When said high expectations are unmet which is ALL the time they trigger my obsessive behavior the calling, the stalking, the love letters, etc. I have healed by reading books, talking to my parents and letting them know the effect my childhood had on me. I heal by acknowledging these things but not using it as an excuse, instead of loving other people I learned to love myself, I take myself on a date, I take myself on a vacation, I write down my thoughts in a journa, I would exercise cause that raises your self esteem tremendously all of these are a part of the healing process. I hope this helps! We all are supposed to help each other on this journey. Each one teach one.
@@Mentalcheez Try reading books it has helped me alot with my healing process. I recommend "How We Love" by Kay & Milan(It teaches you about your Attachment Style). Also "Obsessive" by Susan this book teaches you how to stop your obsessive behavior.
How do we ever manage to heal from attachment trauma? I mean, the need for love and connection never goes away! Yet the inability to show up in a healthy dynamic is repeated no matter what! Do I just have to spend the rest of my life alone in this pain? How can I ever attempt another relationship when all the others were so dysfunctional? And even though I know what's healthy and unhealthy, I still can't stop being unhealthy in my relationships. I grieve. I grieve my trauma. Still it takes over my life. Beginning to believe I am simply not capable of loving or being loved by another.
Find your sense of love and security within- then no one can take it from you 💗💗
No expert here - just a reflection of what I am facing... logically it seems that the most rational direction to take, is to find love to your self and for your self - then you will satisfy the feeling of love and probably you will shine brighter as an attractive person for someone else to share your space and time with :)
I feel the same way. What sadden me about this video is that the reason our brain is stuck is because it's been neglected and is desperately trying to fill that need. I understand love comes from within and we should love ourselves but we also need love and support from others so if that's not there how can you ever heal? The one person I had in my life for that died last year. I've never in my life felt empty but God do I now.
@@moseph8494 Its a conundrum isn't it :( Talking about your awareness and reflection, is a real good start I believe. May not be the right/best thing for everyone, and timing seems to play its role. But nonetheless, look what you have realized... you have realized yourself living in a way which is not bringing you the best out of life... now you have infront of you, unknown amount of time to fulfill what you wish for yourself or even for others - the strength of a relationship which impacted your life for the positive, could potentially contain what you need to drive you forwards, whether a lost one or closed doors to others. I wish for you to find your way and yourself, to identify patterns and triggers and self strength and purpose! :)
Seek out a support group called Codependents Anonymous. It changed my life.
I knew it couldn't be about him, because I really didn't know him. It felt familiar. Felt like home. The same emotional neglect I'd felt my entire life. I stopped seeing him, but could not stop thinking of him and longing for him.
I feel the same Way! I ask my self I'm not together with him but he still leaves in my mind what was the point of braking up if I'm still thinking about him and making my self crazy!
@@Annamelese whats the status now...still there or over now
How’s it going
I even cry every time I remember him
@@abshirohassen5that is what I'm going to every time he comes in my mind I cry
It gets better with time, also try to make some huge changes for your future and your present, try to leave your comfort zone, that helps building your self worth up. It is crazy how a breakup changes your perception of the person but don't fall for it, that is not the reality what your mind is portraying. Also what really helped me was hitting the gym frequently. Eventually you will find love again and your ex will become nothing more than an emotionless memory.
Thanks for the meaningful comment and for sharing your experiences.
Please I need some tips. I keep dreaming of him. It's been a month
God bless you. I have suffered from Obsession ever since my teenage years. This is the very first time someone sat down and explained to me what is actually happening and that I can do something zbout it.
I have been utterly distraught and broken hearted about someone who was terribly for me. They were distant, manipulative and used my sensitive nature as a weapon against me. In the months we’ve been apart, despite knowing how dreadful she was for me, I’ve ached for her, more powerfully than anything I’ve ever known. I’ve had a notion that my dreadful relationship with my father, a cruel, unstable man, who died some 15 years ago, has been a catalyst to attachment disorder & low self esteem. You’ve crystallised everything for me, you can’t know what this means to me. Thank you so much
😔😔😔 You just described what I'm going through
Childhood bringing alike
old childhood patterns repeated. LIke you, I thought I had to suffer for love to be real. Now I know that's not the case...it's so freeing.
this is me for almost two years -constant grief over one man from the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep but as exhausting as it was and is I felt comforted i 'loved' him so hard
How are you doing now?
18:33 “I have a history of not having meaningful relationships...” sometimes we go after relationships that feel like the ones which shaped us in our formative years. They offer bread crumbs. But we’re so hungry we’ll take them. Not realizing our brains have been hijacked in an intense addiction loop. The obsession is traumatic, too.
What if the representation we are projecting is the unrequited love we are still searching for that we never received from our parents? And we still have relationships with them? 🤔
LinYouToo you are correct. I feel I havnt been loved in my life. But I LOVED my ex but had to get rid through violence but torture myself as to why it didn't last for me as I was so happy and had found love. he is on his 3rd wife and that bothers me greatly.x
OMG... that was put beautifully... That's my story
My story too! All relationships broken/failed. Abuse and abandonment. The only one where real intimacy in every area just left after 9 months marriage. 💔😭
It's been 4 years and I still catch myself going there. We love Jerusalem because of our childhood abuse! It's no as easy as just get over it.
I typed JERKS not Jerusalem!!!😝
Sometimes it’s a word he/she said triggers this obsession. I was hanging out with a guy and he said something like “i wanna fall in love” implying that he was not in love with me. I obsessed over this sentence for weeks, even though i was not very fond of that guy. It obviously triggered a childhood trauma going back to the time when i felt abandoned by my family because they had to move to another city and i was left to the care of my grandparents for a year or so. It triggered the awful feelings of self-pity, insufficiency, being left out etc. This video is a great piece of work Doc, thank you indeed 🙏🏻
Yes, this has happened to me too. My parents were very dysfunctional. I never had a loving experience particularly with my mother. I truly believe people can mess you up, especially parents. We long for love and acceptance. So so sad. It truly does drain you and steals all your energy.
The best way to let go is admit you lost to whatever or whoever and let go. And go look for someone who is available. Find happiness that way. I've had to do this big style in the last couple of years I lost everyone who mattered to me. But I'm rebuilding and making New connections friends, possible partners.
I think I need to try this..
Seriously.. this is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER WATCHED! Only yesterday I was raging about how I was sick to death of feeling mentally tortured & haunted by my ex 24/7 & then this morning, I come across this! So THANK YOU.. you now have a very appreciative fan!!
How are you feeling now?
I hope you get free of this torture
@C W how are you now?
How are you all?
Just got this message basically from my counselor, and now I'm hearing it again. So good! It's not about the person I'm obsessing over, it's about my own felt need that image or name helps me access. My counselor said it's like watching a movie that makes you cry, it helps you access that emotion.
sir whatever you said is correct. My childhood was very violent and even though my parents are now normal with me, I am not able to let go off their image in my mind. They do not appreciate me ever. They do not talk to me. I do not feel loved. That is why I am not able to let go off my ex boyfriend. He was the only one who accepted me as a friend fully and appreciated me. He wants to do breakup but i am like you are the only person in this world who has ever accepted me, if you go who will accept me or love me? It is very hard to live in a house where nobody appreciates you. Thank you so much sir, you helped me, now I know it is not about my bf but it is that need in me to be feeling accepted in relationships.
That awkward moment when your ex is named Steve... lol
Yup, same.
Emily or Emily
hahaha
Same. 😆
😝
This was extremely helpful, my obsession is not even somebody with whom I`ve had meaningful relationship and yet still after 8 months my brain loops in circles.
Currently looping over someone I only ever texted for 3 weeks.
Only 2 mths for me and im looping.
I'm just so glad to know I'm not going crazy! LoL! It's been a yr since me an my ex broke up an sometimes my mind get out of control but I can say since I gave my life to Jesus it's getting better an I this to shall pass! Be blessed my brother
This is a brilliant explanation of why some of us badly struggle with letting go of the ex.
I always thought it was a narcissistic trait in myself to think that I was finding it more difficult than some other people to move on but I am coming to understand there is a gaping attachment wound.
Thank you... going to memorize this. This explains this experience so well.
It is an ongoing chatter. A death headache. It is exhausting. It is relentless.
It’s a radio station you cannot turn off or a broken looping record. It is definitely an intrusion.
I can put words to it now. The focus on the loss is because the mind is linking the symbol of other person to love, security, connection, validation, acceptance, reassurance, presence. The thought returning to him is the mind’s symbol for these feelings - like in a dream, the content is summarized in the symbol of the other person. The mind doesn’t communicate in words and language, but in images.
Pull the projection of the feelings off the symbol, and focus on processing the profound grief of a life history of feeling disconnected and going without connection in life. It comes from a fundamental place of feeling disconnected.
This is not about the other person - the symbol of other is a placeholder for this intense feeling of lack in life. The churn is due to the brain’s trauma from attachment wound perhaps since childhood and is about not having had relationships in my life that made me feel nourished, loved, validated, connected.
Very well said.
This is so amazing. I’m mourning the loss of an abusive relationship and my ex is horrible to me. I couldn’t figure out why I was longing for him until right now. Thank you.
How are you doing now?
Wow! Thanks! I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about him, even though it was LOGICALLY obvious that he was so, so wrong for me! Now I understand that he represented my unmet needs. That is such an eye opener!
Thank you for this. I think you're exactly right about the ex being the symbol of the unmet need. It helps to realise as it points towards a solution.
Thank you. I’ve been crying almost every day and sometimes I even wrote to her even though I knew I was getting no answer. I couldn’t believe I missed her this much and she seems to be so fine without me. I felt I was going crazy. I just came up on this video… I obviously cried while watching it but I left the video knowing something that’s key and that’ll help me disassociate her from my personal problem: There’s unmet needs. I’m seeing a psychologist, hopefully he can help me figure out what those needs are. Thank you for deciding one day to post on youtube. I really needed this. I liked the video though I did not sub because I don’t consume this type of material daily. Still, I’ll never forget this.
Empathy to you. Many of us have been there as well. Thank you for letting me know my work is helpful. Wishing you self-gentleness.
If this video is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes into the origins of these behaviors as symptoms of attachment trauma. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Ohhhh, you TOTALLY nailed it Alan. I mean you EXACTLY described how I have been feeling for the last 10 months. Yes, I realized that my ex represented that void in me I was trying so desperately to fill with her. I was sure I had found my soul mate. It was wonderfully utter bliss for awhile. Why did it have to come crashing down so suddenly? I am Sisyphus incarnate. I want to love intensely and be loved intensely. Life is short. Thank you for your insight, counsel and guidance Alan. Much health to you .
Alan, you have answered my tragedy. Thank you so, so, so, much! You are the best!! I wish you were local, I'd be your patient! I was an abused orphan/servant in my step father's home...cannot go into details, publicly. I thank you!!...you cannot begin to imagine.
please accept my hugs xxx
Svetlana Atenzon Thank You! xoxo!
so sorry you had to endure that torture. i wish your well and i hope you find healing and can live the life as the beautiful, wonderful person you truly are....xoxoxo
Donna Perry Thank you for understanding, I appreciate it. I am healing, one day at a time.
You are not alone
I just want it to end. Logically, I know i deserve better but, emotionally, I feel stuck. Just like you said. My brain is in a loop that I can't break free from. I know that I yearn connections and I latch on when I think I finally am heard and loved. My issue is, I can't break away when it becomes toxic. I really want to overcome this.
Thank you for watching, and my empathy goes out to you for these experiences.
The reason I created the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I pray the emotional pain and never ending loop in my brain ends
For the first time in 7 years - FINALLY I have found someone who can put words to what i am experiencing!! THANKYOU!!!!
Yes this is helpful! Im sitting here sobbing because I knew my mental obession is not normal or healthy. This will set me on path to healing. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing your grief. Many of us can relate.
This topic comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. If you'd like to learn more take the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I have been going through this for five years now and start losing hope that it'll end soon. it ruined my future in a way bc during crucial years of my life I've been merely functioning and not achieving. i wish my therapist would have put this issue on point like Alan did in the video. The realization that it is not about the other person creates a distance to them and i can breathe for a second. Just sharing this to show that this problem can not only go for weeks, months or over a year but easily even five years.
Everyone is different. When you need longer it means you have a good heart and re overanalysing what you did wrong or could have done better, and that makes you a good partner worth fighting for
@@moimaris3369 yes, but my whole life ruined by evils
Hello is it still in your mind now after 7 years??
@@savead6628 actually, i still think of this particular person but not in a "maybe they change their mind and come back" way. I finally got past that, since we got out of touch two years ago. I'm relieved this nightmare is over. But I am not past the feeling of having lost control over my life. So, in a way, I still feel the consequences of that particular situation. Even after seven years.
@@marihi8621 thats so heavy dear brother. I have so many questions. I am also in the loop but I hope it’s not stay to long.
Thank you. I have gone through this every time I get out of a romantic relationship and it helps to feel validated.
I love how much warmth and empathy there is in this explanation. I relate so heavily. It's very healing. From my own experience, I've seen so many "coaches" trying to fix "codependent" people, while implicitly (or explicitly) communicating contempt for these "codependent people" and their "weakness." It's no wonder these "broken codependent people" keep going back to their loops, because they aren't getting any empathy from other people in their lives. I don't even like 12 step programs for this reason, because the only way you can get the community connection of those groups is to be forced to focus on your brokenness and fixing yourself, which in the end, isn't really all that self compassionate. I don't need to be fixed, I'm not broken, I just need consistent love and connection.
Oh my gwad. I am so glad I am not alone. This sucks. I wish i could fix this horrible trauma so I could find and have quality relationships.
So glad to have found this. I've been stuck in the loop for about 18 months, new information occasionally flaring it up when I felt it was going quiet at last. This video makes me feel like Im not going mad and Im not this crazy obsessive.
Glad this video speaks to you. Many of us have also been there.
So important to keep this conversation going. If this video is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. This topic comes up in our conversations. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you Alan. This is definitely me. Attachment trauma related to emotional abandonment. Looking for love in all the wrong places! Married to quell the loneliness and hoping for 'attachment' only to find my partner was an emotional avoidant. Now dIvorced after 21 years at the age of and looping, looping, looping, reliving arguments blah, blah, blah! Your videos are giving me an insight. I need to prioritise my healing work!
I just want you to know that finding out that my ex is merely a place holder for the lack of love and connection was immensely helpful. The broken record in my mind has greatly decreased.!! Knowledge is power! Thank-you so much!
hbarnett, I’m glad this material resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hey can you help me please?
This is ‘Hands Down’ one of the Best things I have stumbled upon. I have suffered this my entire life, and only becoming aware of it in my forties. Thank You so much for explaining it, and putting such an abstract fairly unconscious anxiety into a understandable conscious way. Now I can work on strategies to ‘Not Get On That Train’ of thought when triggered. So beyond helpful, I cannot tell you how much.
Blessings.
Natasha, I am glad this material resonates with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this! My daughters dad died a few months ago and then an off an on ex I’ve known for four years, well let’s just say he discarded me like trash and validated doing that, and I realized I’m traumatized. I already have complex ptsd from other things, but seeing my daughters dad I knew half my life in a coffin and holding our daughter while he laid lifeless, and then to also grieve someone still alive has just been a kick to the throat. Im grieving two men at once both very significant people that played roles in my life…..
Thank you for sharing your grief. Empathy to you.
This is so real ! I closed the door forever as I couldn’t manage her fearful avoidance and my anxious attachment. She just runs through my head. I just cry all the time. I’m so exhausted. The panic feelings in my stomach just tighten and burn and push me to reach out to her. I won’t under any circumstances. The grief is real…It’s crushing.
Empathy to you. Wishing you self-gentleness.
Relentless preoccupation is such a perfect explanation. Never had this issue before in my life but this separation has been the most difficult thing I've ever endured. I'm so exhausted and it makes me send endless msgs which pushes anyone away.
15 years of not grasping what was going on in my mind. Thank you so much for sharing this!
how are you now
Thank you. I knew it wasn't about him as I didn't even really like him as a human, but the obsessive thinking about him and every detail of the relationship is now making sense. The idea that he is merely a symbol for unmet needs is very comforting and gives me something to work with. Thank you 💗
Great insight. Glad this is helpful and sparks reflection for you. Thank you for valuing my work.
If this content is helpful and you would like to learn more about what is driving these behaviors then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
There it is... So this is not about her. it's not her that i need. it's the urge of getting validation and warmth. This makes sense... Thank you!
Yup this plus coparenting with them, having a trauma bond with them, knowing they are actively sleeping with other people who they prefer over me, etc etc. It's a double whammy of wanting her for the validation and love and connection and feeling disgusted and betrayed by how quickly and casually she moved on and is able to sleep with others while I can't even imagine doing such a thing.
It sucks. Going thru it now
I know this video is relatively old, but I’m so glad I found it. I’ve been struggling with a break up over the past couple of days and just felt so crazy constantly thinking about my ex-partner. Everything you described in this video, I definitely related to not just in this recent breakup but also in the case of friendships ending. Thank you
Empathy to you. I'm sorry to hear about the relationships ending. Sounds painful. So many of us can relate to struggling after break-ups like this. Glad this video offered benefit.
Grieving our losses is an ongoing conversation in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Jesus, I've been looking for this kind of material for years! I've been in so many toxic relationships over the years... I can't sleep and I've been having so many thoughts related to my ex-boyfriend. I already suscribed to your channel and I'll watch your videos on a daily basis. What an incredible channel! Thank you so much!
Am struggling with the memory of my ex.. I wish I never meet him he hurt me vary badly but he was never sorry about it.. I hate the memory of him.. I know am not crazy but my heart want let go and I hate that too
I know the feeling... but you're deffenetly better off without him. Now You can give yourself the love that you were giving him. Many blessings!
OMG was his name J? Sorry I know your pain!
How are you now?
Give the love you gave to him, its yours anyway! And that's all the love youre capable of
Especially when they come up in your dreams and they’re not so good...
This really hit home for me. I am currently 42 and married to a wonderful man who is sweet, kind, and handsome and could not figure out why my brain kept getting stuck on this one guy from so long ago. My brain keeps thinking about this boyfriend I had in college 21 years ago and we only dated for maybe 6-7 months. I keep asking myself "Why am I even giving this guy a single thought??? We dated for a short time decades ago!" I wish I could erase him from my mind completely. But everything you said made 100% sense to me! I have childhood attachment trauma from neglect, and that boyfriend represents a time in my life when I felt my attachment needs most met (in my youth).
Thank you so much for posting this!
Glad this speaks to you. I can tell this video sparked reflection for you by what you shared. Our brain does it's own thing sometimes. Thank you for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to express and share these topics with others. Glad it brings value.
Since this video is helpful, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It goes more into how our past influences our choices in relationships. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I see that this is an old video and I have watched it before. I am for the first time experiencing this behavior and thankfully I have done enough research around the subject that I know what is wrong with me, it's just doing the work to change those deep seeded tragic traumas that happened to me as a child. It IS EXHAUSTING! I hope it stops soon. It's only been a month so not long for me. Meditation has helped do some grieving from the breakup and the trauma. I can't wait to learn all the things I need to change to be healthier so I can try my new self out on someone new.
There are soooo many videos/articles/blogs with hints and tips on how to stop thinking about your ex. But this one has been the best for me by a country mile. Thank you for cutting right into the fundamental reasons on why this happens. I feel like I can really start to do some good, solid baseline work on healing past trauma now. I already feel such relief.
You're the only TH-camr that really understands. It's all-encompassing and ruins my ability to concentrate. You're right, it's that absent love and validation that I'm missing the most, not necessarily her, who drove me mad for so long. It'd so hard to switch off from it.
Rejection can seem like heartache,,,,but if they wanted you back you would do a 180 turn around and be fine,,,just remember if you was meant to be together you would,,,,and why would you want someone that dosent you,,and that could leave you...I know I was the PRISE,,not her..
I’m so sorry about your dad. I lost my son almost 6 years ago. This video just explained to me so much. Thank you.
This was so helpful, it’s been almost a year since my close friend/first love dumped me. She treated me like absolute garbage but I still can’t stop thinking about her. Like I register that she’s terrible but my heart still hurts when I think about her moving on and being happy. My family is very dysfunctional and I always felt cast aside by both parents, now I realize it might play a part in this
Your story brings up empathy. I can understand how emotionally challenging this is. Many of us go through something similar. Glad this video was helpful.
It's during times like these that it would be helpful to have supportive resources. If this content is helpful then you may be interested in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Some members have been there for over four years now. I welcome you joining us:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
My dad “traveled a lot” when I was younger, so I spent most of my childhood waiting for him to return home. I’m in my 20s now, still constantly waiting for people to return home. It has gotten better, but with a long way to go.
im pretty sure you just saved my life, i have never heard anyone literally describe my situation in the way you just did. and WOWOWOWWOW what a relief. holy guacamole.
god bless u Alan Robarge
Stay well sir 👍
This is so accurate to what I’m going through relentlessly for the past 7 months. Thanks for making this video. I do think I’ve made them the symbol of the acceptance and love that I always wanted and now feel I’ve lost (despite the fact that they didn’t treat me well) I also do think it really is about the deeper problem of my own history of feeling disconnected and lonely that I’ve struggled with for a long time.
That's my problem, too. Added your video to my playlist, liked and subscribed, good sir. Working on healing, woking goddamn hard.
This man has talked people off ledges, I’m convinced.
Thanks for the comment. So important to keep talking about this.
thank you Alan! This was right on point. You unwrapped what I am experiencing right now and makes me feel more at ease to know the reasons of my obsessing called 'attachment trauma'. I always thought that if my partner resembles a lot of my father's great qualities, then it is the best possible scenario! Instead I got deeper attached and created a 'placeholder' for love that was actually hard earned when I was a child. I am a coach myself who needs to show up balanced in her life in order to help others and be authentically there to serve. Your videos help me clear the chaos and gain back my energy, hope and power! Here is to recovery!
This felt like a lightbulb going on, I’m 54 years old and finally I understand why I form unhealthy attachments.
So glad I found this video. I felt like no one understood how I’ve been stuck in the loop. I don’t have any childhood issues from my parents, but I believe feeling like an outsider at a private school as a child is the root of my problem. I never felt like I belonged, which turned into validation and self esteem issues. So relieving to see this video and know others deal with these issues as well.
This comment is me now a year after my breakup, how are you doing now after 3 years??
You just saved me from other months maybe years of suffering after just ending a relationship with someone who doesn't want me. God bless you
Elisa, that is amazing to hear. That is healing and growth. Good for you for stepping up and honoring yourself. An end to suffering sooner rather than later.
I know I responded to your other comment, but I wanted to add that my online Community, Improve Your Relationships, is designed for people to learn and grow, without getting in too deep into situations that aren't good for us. I know how important it is to have that when you begin to put in the work.
This community is one full of understanding, supportive, and kind people who are dedicated to learning and healing, as well as dedicated to encouraging other members in their own journey of learning and healing. There is never any pressure or judgment, and everyone's voice is welcome. Join in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for sharing. It's a #healingwin!
Thank you for this video!!! I cut off all contact over 3 years ago and every once in a while I get these reminders of him. I am retraining my brain not to think about this. I forbid myself from looking at photos of him and I together, and I have deleted all the photos of us together from my iPhone. No more unhealthy obsession.