Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
Thank you I'm spending my last night in my home alone my wife initiated the divorce and it has crushed me this is the only thing that has taken my mind off it
Constant anxiety, fear, panic attacks that make me want to jump out of my own body and run as far away from myself as possible. Denial, bargaining, blaming myself for everything that went wrong in the relationship, thinking of scenarios in which it could still work out, wanting to reach out, refusing to believe that it's over. Lying awake at night to the point of not wanting to go to bed anymore, dreaming about her, waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep again. Drinking and smoking to alleviate the stress. Constantly feeling tired. Not getting any work done. Spending all day watching TH-cam videos about getting an ex back. Neglecting my own physical well-being, not eating or drinking enough, ordering junk food late at night, not being able to do simple chores because they all seem meaningless. Not being interested in any other topic than my ex. Hating myself for being this way. Yup, looks like I'm not doing so well. That's my experience two weeks into the break-up. What's yours?
It is a very difficult road. Listen to these type videos Alan does and also try to get How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. If you can push through with no contact, it is definitely the best to help you move on.
I'm on my sixth time with this shit. First was at 20, I am now 49 and here we are again. It does help to know the reason why though. I never knew or realised I had an attachment trauma until looking for help and finding Alan. When the pain hits, I visualise the attachment trauma as an ugly black shape standing in the corner. It has masks on with the face of every person this happened to me with, each of their names are on a name tag. It reminds me that it was never really those people, it's the attachment trauma behind it. It depersonalises the whole thing and it stops being about "them". It helps for a few hours anyway. Then I delve back into the story and do all the thing you do. Best wishes to you.
@@lisax2296 Hi Rachel, I'm now 7 weeks into the break-up and slowly improving since week 3 or 4... The panic attacks are gone, the anxiety is now more intermittant, I sleep a bit better and I'm being productive again. I'm still not the same guy I was before the break-up though, I still think about my ex many times per day, I miss her intensely and still want her back... But I've started dating again, since I'm slowly starting to feel ready to give other girls a chance... My message to all of you: IT GETS BETTER. It's a slow process, and I'm still going through it, but time really helps. The crazy hormonal cocktail subsides eventually and this allows you to not be scared or depressed all the time anymore. Stay strong, hang in there, IT GETS BETTER.
Being rejected by a lover is excruciatingly painful; I remember these feelings well - after each relationship...even after 3-7 months, even. This last one - several years long was different. I was OK and knew it was a dead end. Now I can see that each of those rejections reminded me unconsciously of my unconscious memories of feeling emotionally rejected by my mother...who was unable to bond with her entire family. Life is hard for so many of us. Relationships typically will fail until we get the childhood story connected to this adult relationship. At least this was my experience. Best to everyone here. Remember rejection is very similar to abandonment.
Youre 100% correct. I need to remember this. I lost all of my family members at age 11. No wonder my body goes in overdrive. That wound goes into HUGE overdrive. Maybe I need to just marry a psychologist
That initial pain and hurt does go, you kind of learn to live with that part of you missing, however I have never stopped loving him and still think of him every day. I miss him dearly but I can now function in my day to day life. I have not and never will date anyone again though.
@@emmatonge2436 damn.. I don’t know how I’ll move past her either, we started to text casually for 2 days now but I initiated it. I’m taking it super slow and I know it will probably end bad but for now I rather have this than the pain I had of just nothing. I hope she wants to keep contact and it grows into a friendship again and then maybe who knows, I don’t have expectations of getting back together but I know if she is with someone else or when she does get with someone else it will kill me, or if she just decides it’s too hard to just talk anymore or isn’t right. Which is probably likely to happen tbh.. idk I never loved anyone like her and I finally gave my everything to someone and she left.. I guess time will tell what will happen but I don’t want to end up alone.. but I can’t see loving someone else close to how I did to her which scares me so much.. and I’m sorry you felt that way and I’m glad your doing better too.. but what made you give up on finding someone else?
@ I would never find someone else, he was and still is my soulmate I just wasn’t his… We have always kept in contact and he has been in other relationships that haven’t worked out, that hurts. However, if he were to call tomorrow and say let’s give it another try, I would be very cautious as I couldn’t go through the pain of him leaving again.
@@emmatonge2436 wow, I feel for you, idk how I will be in the future with my current ex.. I wish this would be fixed and work out but it may lead to a few different outcomes, she might block me, I might block her, we might stay friends but I don’t see myself just staying friends with her.. and the least likely but the one I want the most is to rekindle things and love each other again
What sucks is you can't really even talk to people about it. Either you go on for ages and it' s exhausting for the person or you tell them and they try to be supportive by saying things like oh that is really hard but you will find someone better eventually or you're better off without them. Even if that will be true one day that's not helpful rn. I lost the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, it's been 5 months and some days I still feel like i can't breathe. But it just feels like you can't say that people.
Exactly no one wants to hear me talk about it the one best friend I have he's not even answering my calls anymore she's sick of me going for the same thing with every different guy sometimes when I'm on the brink I call the Samaritans they do not give Direct advice by police they are a listening ear
You totally get me. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. Then at times I wanted to die. Not sleeping and not eating for days. I only ate enough to not pass out. I lost 5 pounds in a week. As I knew the relationship was ending, right before we were going to get a house together, I felt worse and worse each day. I wish I had seen these videos years ago and I would have saved myself a lot of grief and him as well. All I can do is say I am sorry to him and ask God to forgive me for choices and my behavior. I know that the trauma isn't my fault but as an adult I have to accept responsibility.
I had to go through something similar. It's been nearly 4 years. I still think of her frequently, but not nearly as much as I did, & most of the emotional element has gone out of it. Memory fades over time & my memories of her just became less clear. Once I found I had to work s little bit harder to remember certain things, I would just cut them off. All that time obsessing over her was for nothing, but it wasn't a choice, I just view as being sick with a mental illness I had to recover from.
I have CPTSD - got disorganised attachment as well. I'm apprehensive about opening up my heart to others but when it's safe and I do, I love completely. Doesn't matter how long I'm with the person - the rejection is triggering. It opens up all my old wounds. The grief is overblown. The heartache is excruciating. Anyone else who is the same - time heals all and cut the person out. You are 100% with or without anyone. ❤️Our need for love is to fill the void from childhood - but this love is something we can only give to ourselves.
Hi Leasah, I truly hope time has helped you heal so that whatever it is you have been through doesn't hurt so much. Love and hugs to you, we all need to be kind to each other in this life.
Worse than when someone dies. You can mourn and grieve someone dying but it's actually harder to grieve someone still alive knowing they are out there and you can't be with them again. :'( fkn torture sheer torture. I'm a pin cushion
Everything was surreal while we were dating. I have been single most of my life. Being with him was a shock. Now I'm single again it's like I've gone back to normal and he was just a dream. I do get pain in my chest from sadness. So much regret.
Not many grief advice videos talk much about those first few days or weeks, and how traumatic it can be. So much of it is just platitudes. But you've described it so well, and your understanding and advice has been genuinely helpful. Thank you.
This absolutely describes where I was 3 years ago. Spot on.. a level 10 for sure. I wish I encountered this then, but I got through. I'm thankful that I know all this now and that I am working on my attachment injury from that occurrence and beyond. I'm also filled with gratitude that I am no longer there and that immediate space of shock and horror. I'm grateful to be able to share my experience with others to help them, to have learned so much about myself from the breakup that I had and the chance to heal, be different, to be healthier, to be free, to have choices from self-destructive behavior and thinking, for awareness, self love, and so much more. Love to all who are experiencing this pain now and my deepest empathy.
He gets deep down into the details of the moment to moment struggle with the looping thoughts and the inability to do basic things daily. This helps alot
I felt and got every single word from this video Alan. After 47 years (since a baby) of rejection to have my 11 year marriage end and him just walk away (He is a fearful avoidant) like it meant nothing is causing such real, incredible pain. I put everything in over and over again. I wasn't even getting my needs met, not even basically but still I hoped for that change and yes since breakup I have bounced back with the "has he changed? will it be different this time" and of course I am left in floods of tears, backwards again. So now I have gone no contact. Cut every link. I have to. I am a big fan of your videos, helping me get through. My heart and prayers go out too for every single person watching this video too that is hurting like hell. This too will pass I keep telling myself.
I’m going through this right now . I can’t let him go and I just want this pain to stop. I delete him I beg him back . I blame myself he lets me take the blame. I’m a singer and pretending to be happy on stage is the hardest .
I don't have any answers, and my words won't bring any healing if you still need it.. but know you're not alone. Know that it's not your fault. In fact, what you feel from that loss is a counter measure to the amount of love you have within you. That is the most beautiful thing in the universe, but many people don't understand that because they are not capable of producing the beautiful treasure you have. Love. Do not let go of loving, but do no not give it to someone who seeks to consume it, give it to someone who will protect it and keep it safe, it's a treasure not to be plundered, but rather preserved, guarded and protected with the same amount of love.
Thank you so much Alan. I am hurting so bad I want to throw up. You are an amazing TH-cam friend. God is using you in my life, you have an uncanny sense of timing in my life. You always seem to post exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it. No matter what I do, my grief of loss of relationship and loss of my first love is crushing excerbated by a life time of abandonment and rejection, everything you said i very very true for me. Thank you for your time, care, expertise and consideration, I needed this word. Be well.
Ken Wolfson Take care of yourself Ken... I hear your pain and relate.. so very much. my relationship will be ending yet again pretty soon ..I know I have to do that... the pain is crushing..
It was so hard to hear you say "It's OVER". But, now I realize I have to keep telling that to myself so I can move past denial. I am writing a note that says "It's OVER" and putting it somewhere I keep seeing it. Thank you.
I was never at ease a single day in my relationship, knew in my gut and my common sense it was a mismatch. And yet, after three not so hot years, it ended and I still feel pain. And yes, I’ve had the abandonment thing since forever.
Amazing isn’t it. You can live every day in a relationship knowing the mismatch is real, yet when it ends the desire to rekindle and willingly ignore those feelings is overwhelming. Through the rose-tinted glasses, almost like you must have just been overthinking or being overly harsh on your partner’s apparent lack of emotional availability. No… it’s just part of the grieving process. It simply had to end.
@@andyuxd oh my goodness, I'm just 20 going through my first heartbreak. Its been 3 days, I'm in bed , helpless... I cant even type much, but your comment really resonated with me. Thank you
@@PixieFan900 you’ll be ok my friend. I was convinced that “time” (which was apparently the healer) was not going to work on me. Indeed, it is not the only thing, but it is the one thing outside of your control. You have to surrender to it. Fill your time with things you used to love doing but probably haven’t the energy or desire to do because you’re feeling so low - DO THEM ANYWAY! The reason is tiny little short term bursts of directing your attention to other things reprograms your brain - it’s neuroplasticity at work. In other words, gradually stopping endless rumination by training your brain to stop repeating the thoughts that lead to low mood. It’s toxic and unhealthy. It’s also addictive and normal! You’ll never get the answers you want. I spent thousands on counselling, and (although I really recommend that!) in the end it was my relentless effort (those short bursts of time doing mundane things) that reprograms your brain through distraction. Slowly you’ll come out of the darkness - it takes many months, maybe a year or more like in my case (I had a 10 year relationship). Talk to friends and family but only do this at set times each day, otherwise you’ll stay stuck. I was once broken and there was no way forward, but I’m now coparenting with my ex (on civil terms) and interestingly am going on a 2nd date with a new person this afternoon!! 😊 You’ll be ok 🙏🏻
That comparison to the capillary action of the drop of water which connects to other drops and forms a stream of water on the windshield is very effective
I watched this video 6 years ago after my divorce and now while I’m going through a painful breakup with my boyfriend. I couldn’t handle the intense pain 6 years ago and succumbed to addictions to not feel the terrible feelings that never seemed to end. I realize now though that my wounds were not able to heal and thus showed up again in this relationship. Those unhealed wounds manifested in unhealthy ways and I pushed another good man away. This time, I commit to feeling it all, surrendering to it, nurturing it and allowing these deep wounds to be truly felt so these wounds and patterns can finally heal. Sending love out to all going through this. It feels unbearable. I trust that healing and peace will come. Losing good men I love deeply is a perfect catalyst to heal dysfunctional thoughts and processes. Hoping I can make it through this time. It hurts so much.
I’ve watched hundreds of videos in the last 2 weeks since the break up and not one has resonated with me as much as this one. My father - who was my best friend in life - left my family when I was 11 years old. Subsequently my mom went into a state of depression for several years and left me essentially alone to rear myself. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still single from being in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship... not understanding why I’m drawn to those who will abandon me- yet it’s what I fear the most. Something about this last relationship that has really sent me in a tailspin. Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t say- letting me know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong- but normal. I can’t express how much this video has meant. Thank you.
So very relatable.. my mom left suddenly when I was 11, and my dad turned to meeting someone new, and consumed his life with his new love. I was alone from age 11 onwards. I never had a curfew. Noone to ask about homework or sports. I'm 33, I've lived alone now for 2 years after my daughters mother left me suddenly one day. What else is new. I'd give anything for a true commitment with someone
Wow. I was 11 too when i felt totally abandoned by my family. There is something so comforting to read about you both having felt very similar. I am 30 now and everybody tells me i am so strong and i have everything in me that i need. But i can't get these years back. My family never had my back. Every single time there is a big change i am reminded that i just don't feel safe.
I’m watching this as a reminder, every breakup I’ve had felt this way for months and months. I’m now 5 months out of a 2 year relationship. I feel okay, I sat with the pain. Slowly got up everyday, the first 3 months were brutal. I still feel sad and cry occasionally but I’m starting to feel myself again. I had to go through this plenty of times and watch videos just to be able to cope. My recent was my first relationship I’ve had where I felt seen and heard, he cared for me, he had everything I wanted in a man but his overbearing mother was too much and I realized I would never have a spot in his life since he didn’t want the same things. So I had to end and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I’m so used to getting cheated on and that’s reasonable but I felt he could’ve tried better or make me feel like he wants me but he accepted it. He rejected me a week later when I tried reconciling so that was worse and the rejection has been hard to cope with but I just want to let everyone know things get better. In a few months I can see myself try dating again but I’ve been ok. Some night just want to talk to him or someone but I’m ok for the most part. This channel has helped me a lot to understand how my brain works and understanding it helps me rationalize better.
Thank you so much! Words cannot describe how a break-up can feel to someone that is so attached to another person. It truly feels like somebody died. I really do appreciate all your videos and how honestly you describe the process. Thank you!
Thank you Alan, your compassionate and empathetic spirit is so soothing. After watching these video I feel stronger accepting myself where I am at in my process of grief
Thank you for watching, and I'm glad that this resonated with you. Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I think everything in life has a 'price', and in case of relationships, it's this horrible feeling when a meaningful one ends. I don't know about others but I came to the conclusion that it's not worth it for me anymore, I'd rather spend all my energy and time on improving myself, my finances, achieving my goals and maxing out my potential, without even seeking social validation from anyone. I just want to enjoy life, and that's the path I choose. It's a blissful, liberating feeling. (23 year old male)
I felt this in my soul. Yes only real recognizes and appreciates real, and those people are few and far between now days. The good ones we get punished for trying to spread our light. I'm feeling the same way!!! Well wishes to you 🥰🤗🌅
I agree my friend. I was in a six-year relationship. The last couple of years were very difficult, as she refused to hold a meaningful job, and held onto her dreams in the entertainment industry. I broke things off at the end of the holidays. She moved out. I missed her immensely for two months. And we reconnected. I really thought things were headed in the right direction, and I was so excited that we had both learned from our mistakes, and we’re ready to move on. I was ready to go to couples therapy, and we were planning on a long distance relationship, living an hour away, to continue the repairs. But, in the last month, all of her heart and soul went out of things. There was no passion in her kisses. The sex stopped. Communication was less. She has now completely shut me out. I am heartbroken, but, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have a great job, great kids, and great friends to help me get through things. I know I’ll get through the other side ok. I just need to get over the feeling of being used. It’s a first for me. Thanks for this video.
I feel the same way but I am 63. I'm going to focus on getting and staying healthy, completing goals, and just trying to find joy in little things. What makes it hard is I am the only single one in my entire family and everyone has someone at family gatherings except me
I think breaks up are much easier to handle when you are young. When you are nearly 43 and feeling old and crap then that's really shitty. I'd love to get married to a sane, normal man with a job he loves who can do D.I.Y I'd make a lovely wife.
Really? They always say it gets easier when you get older. Because by then, you will be more experienced in handling your emotions. I'm 27, and I been getting my heart broke back to back since I was 18 years old. Ex girlfreind left me back in February, and I'm still feeling pretty upset and the trauma still has not gotten any better.
@@HACKED787 Really? I dont ever see my brother (35yrs) ever sweat a break up. Or my dad who re-married 5 times. It's like I never see men mourn a breakup. They just get with other females. And that's exactly how I feel now. Now that I look back at all the breakups I had it makes me feel even worse. Like I just lived a pathetic life.
The way I see it is, they were never the person you thought they were. So how can you mourn the relationship you never actually had. Right? So fuck them, they don’t deserve you anyway.
You're absolutely right I was in a three-year relationship from the age of 16 to 19 and it only took him two weeks to get over him I still had the strength to go work I just cried through it and I did not care so much now I'm 31 years old and breakups feel like they just want to make you suicidal
I'm 56 and yes, I do think that breakups are more difficult as we get older. When I was young, I told myself this hurts but there will always be somebody else. Nowadays it's a different world. The hookup culture has replaced dating. Nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore. Connecting to another person has been replaced by social media and dating apps. It's depressing for the older generations that remember what life was like before the internet. I'm not saying that the internet is all bad, but I do believe that it has damaged human relationships.
I was in a pretty bad relationship. I loved my partner to death. Whenever they hurt me, I just internalized it and didn't want to hurt them ever in the same way. I treated them delicately. I truly loved them. 6 years passed and some days I was in agony but I lived with it because I loved this person so much. They were selfish. I knew that for a while. I would constantly think about his feelings. The problem was, he would too. His feelings were the only ones being thought about. Mine were disregarded by both myself and him. One day he pushed me so far. He kept attacking me. He kept calling me hurtful things and saying hurtful things (more than usual). And I just wanted to be alone that day to think. I told him the truth after his tirade. just one sentence. He dumped me days later. Because I hurt HIS feelings by saying he was a neglectful and abusive person. My feelings never mattered. After 6 years, this is how it sunk. It hurts to detach. Even when he hurt me, I still loved him. Even now, it hurts. This video is helping however. I'm going through this abandonment anxiety, but he is not. I guess I really know now that I was the one truly invested.
You just described my relationship exactly. Strange to see it in words. I get it, what you went thru. I’m just getting out of a relationship just like it.
Mine is exactly the same story, it's ended last night when I confronted him, in return I was terribly abused verbally it was frightening. I'm not having the conversation I've blocked his phone number
@@JD-jz8vl I understand your pain. im sure you're feeling a mix of emotions right now. But know you'll be so much happier without him around. It may take a bit of time to heal and adjust, but life feels so much better without that toxicity around. I wish you the absolute best
I am currently feeling this pain in my heart. He was not only a lover, he was my family and my best friend. As a result, I feel very alone with only my dark thoughts for company. I am grieving once again. Unfortunately I have to function in normal life and it is very difficult. I catch myself crying in public. Fortunately I know I am a sensitive person so I always have a pair of sunglasses that I put on to hide the overflow. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel small and useless. Theres really nothing left in life for me. But, I am surprised that it’s been only a few weeks and although I’m broken inside and don’t care what happens to me, I am in acceptance mode. please pray for my situation. Even though I feel happier after watching this… i have no will to live. Someone please get me out of my own brain…
I hear you and thank you for sharing your grief. Many of us understand this pain. It's comforting to know others have been through this and can relate with us. Wishing you self-gentleness.
leaving someone is like torture for me. one of my worst fears is being left, so leaving someone else is unbearable for me, even if the guy is dangerous. when you know the deep wound of abandonment, you don't want anyone you care about to go through it either. when i tell myself i'm going to go through with the break up with him, i have a major panic attacks i run ti the bathroom and i am literally sick,. i actual feel like leaving him is going to kill me! how can you live with yourself knowing you hurt someone so deeply?.i don't want anyone else to feel the pain of feeling abandoned. i hope this makes sense. thank you for your advice.
I chose to leave my partner because he was dragging me to bad life and he didnt know how to protect the one he loves from his harm and from his family harm too I really didnt have an option with him and I loved him more than anything in this life but I knew that I'll put my feet in real hell if I continued to marriage life with him I'm still griefing because I know he is not good for me but we can't choose who to love and I still love him alot but there is no chance for us to be together again I know it through the passed 3 years I spent with him .. in the end its really reached very ugly and bad level I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to walk away We separated 5 months ago but I feel I'm literally dead and without hope for anything because I wanted to be with him more than anything in this life But he didnt leave an option for me except leaving him I hope life will show mercy on me leaving decision was never easy for me but I know it was the best for me the worse could've happened if I continued in such wrong relationship
I am the same. I finally had to call the police in a non threatening way because he would not leave and I knew it needed to end. He has had a lot of pain and I didnt want to hurt him any more even though I was dying inside. Sending love!
Yes, those mindful or mindless moments can sneak up on you and you find yourself in moments of comfort back into your being. You will be ok eventually. The relationship with ourself is the most precious. Letting go of the story, and our fantasy future life we construct. This is a big opportunity to heal the unresolved child abandonment. Be there with yourself. You are not alone. Self-validate not invalidate. Self care with a hot shower, fresh linen, nice meal and distracting movie. Love yourself back to stable xx
Thank you, every time a relationship ends for me it feels like I have left an abusive relationship even though it hasn’t been! That’s what my body feels inside ❤️ your videos are very much needed xx
Thank you Alan.....although the love was an illusion because he made out to be something he is not......I still have to grieve the illusion. Thanks again
I’ve had a number of therapists, read books, watched video after video but nothing and no one has made more sense than you my friend!!! You are a wonderful gift to the world in my humble opinion 🙏🏻❤️namaste❤️🙏🏻
This is the best video I have seen in the past 2 months after a breakup. Each day still feels like the first day, and the explained everything so well. And now I am learning to tell myself that it’s not business as usual, and I do need to slow down and just focus on taking care of the absolute basics. I was trying to do what everybody else recommends, starting new hobbies, going on trips, spending time with friends, and that pushed my even further into physical and emotional exhaustion. Thank you so much for this!
D D hey D D that’s me now, I’ve just been dumped after a ten year rele to someone I adored beyond belief. I’m beside myself. I’m sure if there’s a hell this is what it is. How you feeling now a year later?
It's incredibly validating to hear you articulate so perfectly how horrific the initial trauma of the death of a relationship in life can be. Your voice is so calming, as well. Thank you for sharing these.
torycorbin, I am glad this material resonates with you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I feel horrible, i feel like my life has lost its meaning, I am so sad, depressed, and without energy, motivation... i thought i was more resilent but now it's more than two months and I'm still destroyed, i keep stalking her profile, and i am even envious of her having success and crushing it, i feel bad about wishing she would fail and feel bad, because that's what i feel, she made me feel so bad, i am so hurted i could never think i'd feel like this, she blindsided me, left me alone from one day to another, moved on without any honor, accountability, integrity, with the professed wish to hurt me... she never looked back and she seems happier than ever... She managed to be on the stronger side by preparing this for months and have the upperhand, at the end of the day what she wanted was to leave in a position of power, it was all a power game, not truly a love thing, f**k that
Thank you 🙏 for putting Into words the horrible pain of a heartbreak . I cried through the entire video because I felt acknowledged . It means so much to have someone validate the struggles and pain . I feel so judged and misunderstood. It’s so hard to explain what all this feels to others when they see it as simple as moving on . It does feel like I’m dying inside. I will try everything you said so I can make it through my day . I noticed your last video was a year ago . I really hope you come back on . You are a jewel.
Thank you so much for these wise words Alan. This is exactly what I've been going through these last 5 weeks and it is unbelievably painful. All the pain of the past and the present rolled into a giant snowball coming right at me. You have helped me to slow down and work on taking care of me right now. It is a lonely painful process but I have done this before and know I will survive again!
I watched this 6 months ago after I broke up with my boyfriend. I watched it a few times, and took the advice. I would add pre-washed spinach greens to my soup. I kept thinking about Alan's words of wisdom. I didn't do my taxes. I waited. Well, needless to say my ex and I started talking again. (Long distance) I've broken up with him again yesterday, and this time it is more definite and final. I am back to square 1, and it's just bloody awful. I know I have attachment injuries/trauma of some sort. Also, it's true...the raindrop analogy. With this grief it's bringing up other loss/grief issues very much so - especially around my health and also aging. It is very tough. Indeed, I feel like a "normal person" would be like: "Ok, you tried, cut your losses...sad... (5 or 6)"... but, I'm definitely closer to a 10. Today I really felt that I could barely function in practical ways, so it was helpful to hear Alan's advice...yet again. There is also grief for me just not knowing how to do relationships as well as I would like to. Thank you, Alan. I'm so glad this video is still available. I may need to watch it again tomorrow.
The reason I created the membership community because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Love this! So inspiring! My mind has been completely consumed by thoughts of him. It’s been six months since he left, and the pain of losing him feels like a physical ache. The laughter, the memories, the adventures sadly, it’s all gone. I’ve tried everything to distract myself, but the harder I try, the more I find myself thinking about him. How do people let go and move on? It’s been months, yet the memories of him are still so vivid. I miss him more than words can say.
This has been one of the most helpful videos I have ever seen. Breaking everything down and studying the tiniest details helped incredibly I can't even explain it. When you feel that sickening pit in your stomach and chest. Feeling the blanket on your skin. The light pressure touching you. The coolness or warmness of your blanket. This was been the best coping tool I have found so far.
Lauren, thank you for the supportive comment. Empathy to you. It sounds like you had quite a visceral response. This healing stems deep and can be so layered. I'm glad to hear you received benefit from watching this video and that you are finding self-soothing tools that help. Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further. It also helps to be working on this healing among others going through similar things, which is one of the reasons why I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community
It’s been over a year now and I am still having dreams of the good times in my life with my ex. I am afraid to go to sleep because I know I will dream of him and have such feelings of loss. When he discarded me it was when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a brutal discard but 8 months later I am still having dreams of him that are all loving and kind to which I wake up confused. In the first half hour I am feeling such a crushing loss. Once I am awake I am able to see the relationship for what it was, abusive. Your videos are so on point. Grief is hard and last longer when the attachment disorder is not addressed. It is so helpful to understand my wounds from childhood are making this loss disproportionately traumatic. Friends and family just repeat over and over to just get over it so I have no one who understands to share with. These videos are helping so much. I am showing myself some self love and trying to stop the reliving of the trauma of abandonment. I have learned journaling has been most helpful because I could look at these experiences over time and see my own progress.
Everytime I go through any type of romantic Breakup. This process happens to me. And I'm right back to this video. Every single break up from someone I loved. Weather it was a short relationship like 2 months. Or a long relationship like 2 years. I feel this pain. God help me
poweroftheL I am the same way. Even lose contacts of sometimes a few weeks. But NOW I have lost what I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, after 4,5 years, and I am in sheer hell. He broke up with me after we had gotten in some type of anxious avoidant trap and we were both hurting each other. But now I am hurting even more and all I want is him back
The way u described grief when experienced against the backdrop of attachment trauma .is truly incredible . the detail in which u delve into the feelings, care with which u choose ur words and really come down to meet a person in their grief is a level of compassion and expertise that i am truly grateful to for .thanku .noone has ever explained this to me quiet so well .its literally like a godsent angel.
Thank you so much for this video Alan. I'm currently in that moment of excruciating pain, overwhelmed with sadness. To hear that this is normal for us with attachment trauma, it is incredibly validating. It's hard to have conversations like this with people who have not dealt with loss the way we have. It does make me feel better, even if it's just for a bit, that this pain is justified.
Thanks for letting me know this video was helpful. Empathy to you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Empathy to you. Many can relate with having a hard time with the holidays. Glad this video was helpful for you. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
This is what I'm experiencing now, the worst process I've ever experienced. My heart goes out to all who are suffering this end along with me. This pain seems almost unbearable...
I had several years of mindfulness practice & meditation until I crushed totally. In hindsight I wonder even I was not able to meditate anymore until today, if the mindfullness skills kept me going. What Allen described reminded me strongly of what I did in my most crushed time, like: okay, I do my breakfast, what am I going to do tonight, life is change - so this will change as well... And so on. Really from day to day living. It was still really hard.
I've been sitting in my car for hours I can't do anything so painful when I keep reminiscing about all the movies we watched together and all the things we did
This video was life changing. I'm so glad it was 30 minutes. Because the second it was over, a lot of my anxiety rushed right back. I'm going to return to this every day or so to come back to reality. You're a really special person Mr. (or Dr, i don't know your level of education) Robarge. Thank you for saving me tonight.
Thank you for watching, Michael. I appreciate your kind words and that you value my work. Grief is a difficult thing for us to feel, and it's something we discuss in-depth in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
When I'm feeling sad and missing him so much, I just play this until I fall asleep. It's very soothing to know that someone understands me.. Thank you.
Great to hear you feel understood through this content. Thanks for the feedback. Glad you are finding benefit. Please also share this video with others who may find it helpful. Help me spread the word.
This man is the only one I've found who hits my nail right on the head..I love his truth!much love for your teaching and willingness to help others!your words have had a huge grounding affect on my life..thank you Sir!❤️
I watched a million video on this topic so far this one is the most soothing , i hate it when other videos tell me to exercise! seriously ! Thank u , it helps
Appreciate the feedback and thanks for valuing my work. Nice to hear this content offers benefit for you. It is so important to keep talking about grieving skills. Thanks for letting me know this video was helpful. Please also share it with others who may like it. Help me spread the word.
Havent slept or ate in days. I get up from bed and start drinking at 5am to dull myself. I wasnt good enough to save my marriage, and despite my best efforts, it wasnt enough. Literally just trying to get through the next 24 hours day by day
It’s been over 3 months since she completely wrote me out of her life and the pain is still so unbearable. I’m not holding onto hope of things working out anymore at all. But the void that this split left in my life is undeniable. Thank you for your advice. One second at a time is how things sometimes have to be.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can tell how painful and overwhelmed you feel. These strong feelings can be difficult to navigate sometimes. Empathy to you. Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Excellent and exactly what is going on when people with attachment trauma go through loss. This is where I was. It was never to be and ....I was hurting.
Glad to hear this video is helpful. I hear you. Breakups can be challenging. Many of us have been there. Grieving our losses is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
For 18 years ago, for the frst time I really let myself to get involved. The person was clearly undependable which I was totally blind to. It turned out, he was having fun, fooling women, one after another. The point is that I think that perhaps, sooner or later, one has to reenact the broken, abusive 'bondage' one possibly had at least with one parent. I had the breakdown relatively late. The breakdown was so deep in my cells, it did some permanent damage which affected my physical health. Only years after have I understood how abusive my relationship with my parent has been, always, and still is. Now, I have healed a long way. My sense of reality in relationships is no longer distorted. This is life.
Thank you for watching and for your kind words. I'm glad that my videos help you; it's important for us to know that our experiences are valid and we're not alone in our emotions - no matter how intense or suffocating they are. If you're not familiar already, grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for this video. After watching this video I was depressed but decided to reach out to a family member because your words about looking for support from friends. I went to the ER was on 51/50 hold and went inpatient for three days. Because of this I realized it was my meds making me depressed, but I still have the attachment problems while there I learned very basic stuff in DBT and radical acceptance and now I'm working on healing and fixing myself so that my past no longer holds me and I can practice radical acceptance. Thank you, I love all your videos and how you explain things in a way that not only makes sense but describes very well what it feels like and then for the most part explains why it does and validates how I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not alone. No one is, I'm glad I decided to watch this video when I got the notification it changed my life (:
I have been spinning out of control for 3 years in this relationship.... I fought my intuition.... I'm dumped again... for the 10 time... still spinning 😢
Me too. I've broken up with him so many times I bet you could predict my behaviour probably saying to himself she'll be back to give her sometime I feel so silly and so stupid breaking up getting back together breaking up getting back together it's horrible
Roxanne, thank you for such an open reflection. I'm glad to hear this video was moving. Thank you for that feedback. We talk more about grieving as healing in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, sending you my heartfelt thanks for probably the most eloquent description I have heard of what loss of a relationship actually feels like in its immediacy. You have no idea how much you have helped me today. I am so grateful to you right now
I appreciate the response. I'm glad to hear you connected with this video and that it was helpful for you. It's so affirming when others can relate with what we share. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for the kind feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for being so straightforward. Everything you describe is what I’m going through. I am constantly conflicted about everything in the relationship, in the end he told me he didn’t think the relationship was right and ended it. But I want to blame his drug addiction and the fact that he took anti depressants which could have made him emotionally numb. At the same time I should not be with someone struggling with an addiction but he was such a loving person. It’s all a big mess but I’m glad you speak the way you do and giving some advice. Some TH-camrs only give me hope by telling me if doing this and that he might come back
Feel the pain. Feel it unmovingly, unconditionally. Instead of trying to get rid of it, bring it closer. Let it get worse. This is the path to freedom. Either that or continue being enslaved. You may want to read Michael Singer's article "pain the price of freedom" Who is in charge? You or the pain?
Thank you so much Alan. I went through a traumatic breakup back in June (as well as a decade ago) and I never knew how to deal with it outside of obsessing for months and months and months. Listening to this now has been so helpful in terms of helping me process what was happening and what it looked like from an outsiders self perspective. Thank you. I’m going to post this on the r/breakups subreddit today and often enough going forward. Thank you
You're welcome and thank you for the supportive comment Spencer. I am glad to hear that this video was helpful to you. Thank you for sharing it. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
@@ThePonyd I'm doing a little bit better in general now. 4 years of therapy has helped. Thank you for asking. Nothing's changed in regards to her, and I still miss her and feel sad about what happened, but I keep busy and do what I can.
I am *so* sorry you're suffering so. I hope you heal completely one day soon, and hope you can find someone that you can love again and find happiness with. Take care!@@MetroidHatchling
You have been the only person so far that actually explains this perfectly and really helped me cope just now. Will definitely be listening to this during my grieving process. Thank you!
gwen joplin hang in there it takes a little more than that to be able to get through over the hump... and I will have to remember this soon because I was over the hump and getting better and then I went back... I've been back for almost a year but it is not right and as soon as I get the guts up again and the ability to get past the fear I will be done. sometimes we just have to jump into the chasm and allow it to surround us. it will get better. Find yourself.
i took have had contact.. but i have put strong boundries down and am getting better at telling him no and i dont want to see him still hurts for some reason..
A recent relationship rejection has left me devastated and I could not figure out how this came about - my last rejection 8 years prior seemed a relief! Now I see myself going through adrenaline rushes and extreme exhaustion; my productivity at work has drastically suffered, with persistent back-and chest-pain... and I was wondering why. This video has really helped me to soothe and understand what I am going through. I am also relieved by the thought that this is normal and that now that I see what’s happening is a positive indication that I have greater awareness than during previous rejections. I am also proud of myself that I got some good things on my own (e.g. burning scented candles) as I investigate my emotions.
24:20 love the running water drop example. staring through a window on a rainy day as a child, watching those drops uniting. Beautiful and yes, bitter if all your issues come up.
This is scary at how accurate he just described how I’ve been feeling for the past 4 months. Almost exactly. I just couldn’t put the pain emotionally and physically into words like he has. I’m absolutely dumbfounded.
Exactly how I feel. Even worse because it's an on/off relationship so I get these feeling once a month only for it to be reversed by us making up. It's exhausting me I have nightmares every night and I literally want to throw up that's how bad it is.
Yes, I did this too. For many years. I was losing my mind. I only felt relief when we were back together but then I kept asking myself why I was still with him when I wasn't truly happy. I know now I have this emotional attachment trauma and my neediness was very prevalent throughout the relationships. UGH!
I feel your pain when it's on and off it's even more awful for us with this anxious attachment mine has been on and off as well and it's really bad because we have to suffer with this over and over again
@@FollowingJesus17 On/off is shitty, I agree. I did this for ages. But my on/off STOP was crushing against a WALL, not comparable. In my on/off times I never felt like that. I think I went on with on/off for 20 years bc something in me knew I couldn't take the pain being alone with all these trauma off fucked up relating, unavailable ppl and a highly disfunctional family. I am still grieving, but just thinking about on/off shit makes me throw up.
I really appreciate your honesty in these videos and how relatable this is....Deep down we really do know that its over....But human instinct goes into "I have to fix it".
Yes, I totally get that need to "fix it" and it makes sense especially when our attachment needs are threatened even if we know deep down the relationship isn't working. Thank you for appreciating my work. I'm glad to hear that it resonates for you. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again.
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on TH-cam. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on TH-cam. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
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Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
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Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Simply the best.
🤧💛💛
Thank you I'm spending my last night in my home alone my wife initiated the divorce and it has crushed me this is the only thing that has taken my mind off it
Constant anxiety, fear, panic attacks that make me want to jump out of my own body and run as far away from myself as possible. Denial, bargaining, blaming myself for everything that went wrong in the relationship, thinking of scenarios in which it could still work out, wanting to reach out, refusing to believe that it's over. Lying awake at night to the point of not wanting to go to bed anymore, dreaming about her, waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to sleep again. Drinking and smoking to alleviate the stress. Constantly feeling tired. Not getting any work done. Spending all day watching TH-cam videos about getting an ex back. Neglecting my own physical well-being, not eating or drinking enough, ordering junk food late at night, not being able to do simple chores because they all seem meaningless. Not being interested in any other topic than my ex. Hating myself for being this way.
Yup, looks like I'm not doing so well. That's my experience two weeks into the break-up. What's yours?
It is a very difficult road. Listen to these type videos Alan does and also try to get How to fix a broken heart by Guy Winch. If you can push through with no contact, it is definitely the best to help you move on.
I'm on my sixth time with this shit. First was at 20, I am now 49 and here we are again. It does help to know the reason why though. I never knew or realised I had an attachment trauma until looking for help and finding Alan. When the pain hits, I visualise the attachment trauma as an ugly black shape standing in the corner. It has masks on with the face of every person this happened to me with, each of their names are on a name tag. It reminds me that it was never really those people, it's the attachment trauma behind it. It depersonalises the whole thing and it stops being about "them". It helps for a few hours anyway. Then I delve back into the story and do all the thing you do. Best wishes to you.
I can relate I'm going through the exact same emotions its heartbreaking how are you now?
@@lisax2296 Hi Rachel, I'm now 7 weeks into the break-up and slowly improving since week 3 or 4... The panic attacks are gone, the anxiety is now more intermittant, I sleep a bit better and I'm being productive again. I'm still not the same guy I was before the break-up though, I still think about my ex many times per day, I miss her intensely and still want her back... But I've started dating again, since I'm slowly starting to feel ready to give other girls a chance...
My message to all of you: IT GETS BETTER. It's a slow process, and I'm still going through it, but time really helps. The crazy hormonal cocktail subsides eventually and this allows you to not be scared or depressed all the time anymore. Stay strong, hang in there, IT GETS BETTER.
Hope you are at a better place now x
Being rejected by a lover is excruciatingly painful; I remember these feelings well - after each relationship...even after 3-7 months, even. This last one - several years long was different. I was OK and knew it was a dead end. Now I can see that each of those rejections reminded me unconsciously of my unconscious memories of feeling emotionally rejected by my mother...who was unable to bond with her entire family. Life is hard for so many of us. Relationships typically will fail until we get the childhood story connected to this adult relationship. At least this was my experience. Best to everyone here. Remember rejection is very similar to abandonment.
Children's formative years is soooooo much more powerful to life than anyone will realise
You are so right! I’m reading you are the one you’ve been waiting for and it goes into this idea in detail.
Youre 100% correct. I need to remember this. I lost all of my family members at age 11. No wonder my body goes in overdrive. That wound goes into HUGE overdrive.
Maybe I need to just marry a psychologist
@@Brandi.Nicole me too :')
I agree, childhood trauma, who knew, til it’s caused us adult trauma.
My heart isn’t broken, he shattered my entire soul....
How are you now a few years later? I’m 2 months in and I feel still destroyed
That initial pain and hurt does go, you kind of learn to live with that part of you missing, however I have never stopped loving him and still think of him every day. I miss him dearly but I can now function in my day to day life. I have not and never will date anyone again though.
@@emmatonge2436 damn.. I don’t know how I’ll move past her either, we started to text casually for 2 days now but I initiated it. I’m taking it super slow and I know it will probably end bad but for now I rather have this than the pain I had of just nothing. I hope she wants to keep contact and it grows into a friendship again and then maybe who knows, I don’t have expectations of getting back together but I know if she is with someone else or when she does get with someone else it will kill me, or if she just decides it’s too hard to just talk anymore or isn’t right. Which is probably likely to happen tbh.. idk I never loved anyone like her and I finally gave my everything to someone and she left.. I guess time will tell what will happen but I don’t want to end up alone.. but I can’t see loving someone else close to how I did to her which scares me so much.. and I’m sorry you felt that way and I’m glad your doing better too.. but what made you give up on finding someone else?
@ I would never find someone else, he was and still is my soulmate I just wasn’t his… We have always kept in contact and he has been in other relationships that haven’t worked out, that hurts. However, if he were to call tomorrow and say let’s give it another try, I would be very cautious as I couldn’t go through the pain of him leaving again.
@@emmatonge2436 wow, I feel for you, idk how I will be in the future with my current ex.. I wish this would be fixed and work out but it may lead to a few different outcomes, she might block me, I might block her, we might stay friends but I don’t see myself just staying friends with her.. and the least likely but the one I want the most is to rekindle things and love each other again
What sucks is you can't really even talk to people about it. Either you go on for ages and it' s exhausting for the person or you tell them and they try to be supportive by saying things like oh that is really hard but you will find someone better eventually or you're better off without them. Even if that will be true one day that's not helpful rn. I lost the man I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with, it's been 5 months and some days I still feel like i can't breathe. But it just feels like you can't say that people.
Exactly no one wants to hear me talk about it the one best friend I have he's not even answering my calls anymore she's sick of me going for the same thing with every different guy
sometimes when I'm on the brink I call the Samaritans they do not give Direct advice by police they are a listening ear
I just broke up with the man I thought I would marry. He was my best friend. There are no words to describe the pain. I hope you are doing okay now.
God this is so true. Or if you don't have many family and friends
exactly what happened to me just now. he left. I'm in pieces. does it ever get easier?
You totally get me. I felt like I was going to die from the pain. Then at times I wanted to die. Not sleeping and not eating for days. I only ate enough to not pass out. I lost 5 pounds in a week. As I knew the relationship was ending, right before we were going to get a house together, I felt worse and worse each day. I wish I had seen these videos years ago and I would have saved myself a lot of grief and him as well. All I can do is say I am sorry to him and ask God to forgive me for choices and my behavior. I know that the trauma isn't my fault but as an adult I have to accept responsibility.
How are you today?
I had to go through something similar. It's been nearly 4 years. I still think of her frequently, but not nearly as much as I did, & most of the emotional element has gone out of it. Memory fades over time & my memories of her just became less clear. Once I found I had to work s little bit harder to remember certain things, I would just cut them off. All that time obsessing over her was for nothing, but it wasn't a choice, I just view as being sick with a mental illness I had to recover from.
This is how i am right now, it feels like no one gets it except maybe you know what i’m going through. What do i do
@@hollymadron how are you now?
I have CPTSD - got disorganised attachment as well. I'm apprehensive about opening up my heart to others but when it's safe and I do, I love completely. Doesn't matter how long I'm with the person - the rejection is triggering. It opens up all my old wounds. The grief is overblown. The heartache is excruciating. Anyone else who is the same - time heals all and cut the person out. You are 100% with or without anyone. ❤️Our need for love is to fill the void from childhood - but this love is something we can only give to ourselves.
And how do we give this to ourselves?
My stomach feels like it's on a constant huge knot.
Hi Leasah, I truly hope time has helped you heal so that whatever it is you have been through doesn't hurt so much. Love and hugs to you, we all need to be kind to each other in this life.
Mine too I have so much anxiety
I can relate
Me too..I feel it in my chest, heart and stomach. All day constantly this so painful
Mine too
Worse than when someone dies. You can mourn and grieve someone dying but it's actually harder to grieve someone still alive knowing they are out there and you can't be with them again. :'( fkn torture sheer torture. I'm a pin cushion
how are you feeling now?
This 👆🏼😭
this is how I am feeling
@@russellconstant1202 😭😭😭 same
@@anielkanazarena flipping killing me
"Now is not the time to do your taxes". Lol. Love it.
I actually just did my taxes while going through attachment abandonment (fiancee just left me) and it is hell! Lol!
Everything was surreal while we were dating. I have been single most of my life. Being with him was a shock. Now I'm single again it's like I've gone back to normal and he was just a dream. I do get pain in my chest from sadness. So much regret.
Me too when you've been single for a long time and you finally meet someone and then it doesn't work out going back to that loneliness is horrible
The part for me is that he was my dream but I ended it. I had to. I love him and this is so hard.
@@OneWayDesigns I’m in the same boat. She was my everything, but the relationship did not treat me right.
Same boat too people.
Yup. That person was everything to me too and they showed themselves the door. It still hurts but life goes on.
Not many grief advice videos talk much about those first few days or weeks, and how traumatic it can be. So much of it is just platitudes. But you've described it so well, and your understanding and advice has been genuinely helpful. Thank you.
The difference with Alan is that he explains this as if he's GONE THROUGH THE SAME THING. Thanks Alan
This absolutely describes where I was 3 years ago. Spot on.. a level 10 for sure. I wish I encountered this then, but I got through. I'm thankful that I know all this now and that I am working on my attachment injury from that occurrence and beyond. I'm also filled with gratitude that I am no longer there and that immediate space of shock and horror. I'm grateful to be able to share my experience with others to help them, to have learned so much about myself from the breakup that I had and the chance to heal, be different, to be healthier, to be free, to have choices from self-destructive behavior and thinking, for awareness, self love, and so much more. Love to all who are experiencing this pain now and my deepest empathy.
Hi. Your post is 7 years ago. How are you doing now. I wonder if you'll see this
He gets deep down into the details of the moment to moment struggle with the looping thoughts and the inability to do basic things daily. This helps alot
I felt and got every single word from this video Alan. After 47 years (since a baby) of rejection to have my 11 year marriage end and him just walk away (He is a fearful avoidant) like it meant nothing is causing such real, incredible pain. I put everything in over and over again. I wasn't even getting my needs met, not even basically but still I hoped for that change and yes since breakup I have bounced back with the "has he changed? will it be different this time" and of course I am left in floods of tears, backwards again. So now I have gone no contact. Cut every link. I have to. I am a big fan of your videos, helping me get through. My heart and prayers go out too for every single person watching this video too that is hurting like hell. This too will pass I keep telling myself.
I’m going through this right now . I can’t let him go and I just want this pain to stop. I delete him I beg him back . I blame myself he lets me take the blame. I’m a singer and pretending to be happy on stage is the hardest .
Empathy goes out to you. Sounds painful. I'm reminded how we need gentleness for ourselves. One day at a time.
It can also suck being in Sales where you have to fake the energy and charm on sales calls while feeling horrible inside.
I don't have any answers, and my words won't bring any healing if you still need it.. but know you're not alone. Know that it's not your fault. In fact, what you feel from that loss is a counter measure to the amount of love you have within you. That is the most beautiful thing in the universe, but many people don't understand that because they are not capable of producing the beautiful treasure you have. Love. Do not let go of loving, but do no not give it to someone who seeks to consume it, give it to someone who will protect it and keep it safe, it's a treasure not to be plundered, but rather preserved, guarded and protected with the same amount of love.
@@knowone2185 thankyou x
Thank you so much Alan. I am hurting so bad I want to throw up. You are an amazing TH-cam friend. God is using you in my life, you have an uncanny sense of timing in my life. You always seem to post exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it.
No matter what I do, my grief of loss of relationship and loss of my first love is crushing excerbated by a life time of abandonment and rejection, everything you said i very very true for me. Thank you for your time, care, expertise and consideration, I needed this word.
Be well.
Ken Wolfson Take care of yourself Ken... I hear your pain and relate.. so very much. my relationship will be ending yet again pretty soon ..I know I have to do that... the pain is crushing..
How are you doing now?
This response is so old. I hope you feel better today.
He’s wonderful!
Ken Wolfso
It was so hard to hear you say "It's OVER". But, now I realize I have to keep telling that to myself so I can move past denial. I am writing a note that says "It's OVER" and putting it somewhere I keep seeing it. Thank you.
Good idea
how are you feeling now?
Yes, I felt a sting in my heart when he said it too.
I was never at ease a single day in my relationship, knew in my gut and my common sense it was a mismatch. And yet, after three not so hot years, it ended and I still feel pain. And yes, I’ve had the abandonment thing since forever.
Amazing isn’t it. You can live every day in a relationship knowing the mismatch is real, yet when it ends the desire to rekindle and willingly ignore those feelings is overwhelming. Through the rose-tinted glasses, almost like you must have just been overthinking or being overly harsh on your partner’s apparent lack of emotional availability. No… it’s just part of the grieving process. It simply had to end.
@@andyuxd oh my goodness, I'm just 20 going through my first heartbreak. Its been 3 days, I'm in bed , helpless... I cant even type much, but your comment really resonated with me. Thank you
@@PixieFan900 you’ll be ok my friend. I was convinced that “time” (which was apparently the healer) was not going to work on me. Indeed, it is not the only thing, but it is the one thing outside of your control. You have to surrender to it. Fill your time with things you used to love doing but probably haven’t the energy or desire to do because you’re feeling so low - DO THEM ANYWAY! The reason is tiny little short term bursts of directing your attention to other things reprograms your brain - it’s neuroplasticity at work. In other words, gradually stopping endless rumination by training your brain to stop repeating the thoughts that lead to low mood. It’s toxic and unhealthy. It’s also addictive and normal! You’ll never get the answers you want. I spent thousands on counselling, and (although I really recommend that!) in the end it was my relentless effort (those short bursts of time doing mundane things) that reprograms your brain through distraction. Slowly you’ll come out of the darkness - it takes many months, maybe a year or more like in my case (I had a 10 year relationship). Talk to friends and family but only do this at set times each day, otherwise you’ll stay stuck. I was once broken and there was no way forward, but I’m now coparenting with my ex (on civil terms) and interestingly am going on a 2nd date with a new person this afternoon!! 😊 You’ll be ok 🙏🏻
Look at trauma bonds
That comparison to the capillary action of the drop of water which connects to other drops and forms a stream of water on the windshield is very effective
I watched this video 6 years ago after my divorce and now while I’m going through a painful breakup with my boyfriend. I couldn’t handle the intense pain 6 years ago and succumbed to addictions to not feel the terrible feelings that never seemed to end. I realize now though that my wounds were not able to heal and thus showed up again in this relationship. Those unhealed wounds manifested in unhealthy ways and I pushed another good man away. This time, I commit to feeling it all, surrendering to it, nurturing it and allowing these deep wounds to be truly felt so these wounds and patterns can finally heal. Sending love out to all going through this. It feels unbearable. I trust that healing and peace will come. Losing good men I love deeply is a perfect catalyst to heal dysfunctional thoughts and processes. Hoping I can make it through this time. It hurts so much.
I’ve watched hundreds of videos in the last 2 weeks since the break up and not one has resonated with me as much as this one. My father - who was my best friend in life - left my family when I was 11 years old. Subsequently my mom went into a state of depression for several years and left me essentially alone to rear myself. I’m almost 40 years old and I’m still single from being in unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship... not understanding why I’m drawn to those who will abandon me- yet it’s what I fear the most. Something about this last relationship that has really sent me in a tailspin.
Thank you for saying the words I couldn’t say- letting me know how I’m feeling isn’t wrong- but normal. I can’t express how much this video has meant. Thank you.
So very relatable.. my mom left suddenly when I was 11, and my dad turned to meeting someone new, and consumed his life with his new love. I was alone from age 11 onwards. I never had a curfew. Noone to ask about homework or sports. I'm 33, I've lived alone now for 2 years after my daughters mother left me suddenly one day. What else is new. I'd give anything for a true commitment with someone
I hear ya. I’m 44 and just not doing it again
Wow. I was 11 too when i felt totally abandoned by my family. There is something so comforting to read about you both having felt very similar. I am 30 now and everybody tells me i am so strong and i have everything in me that i need. But i can't get these years back. My family never had my back. Every single time there is a big change i am reminded that i just don't feel safe.
I’m watching this as a reminder, every breakup I’ve had felt this way for months and months. I’m now 5 months out of a 2 year relationship. I feel okay, I sat with the pain. Slowly got up everyday, the first 3 months were brutal. I still feel sad and cry occasionally but I’m starting to feel myself again. I had to go through this plenty of times and watch videos just to be able to cope. My recent was my first relationship I’ve had where I felt seen and heard, he cared for me, he had everything I wanted in a man but his overbearing mother was too much and I realized I would never have a spot in his life since he didn’t want the same things. So I had to end and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I’m so used to getting cheated on and that’s reasonable but I felt he could’ve tried better or make me feel like he wants me but he accepted it. He rejected me a week later when I tried reconciling so that was worse and the rejection has been hard to cope with but I just want to let everyone know things get better. In a few months I can see myself try dating again but I’ve been ok. Some night just want to talk to him or someone but I’m ok for the most part. This channel has helped me a lot to understand how my brain works and understanding it helps me rationalize better.
Thank you so much! Words cannot describe how a break-up can feel to someone that is so attached to another person. It truly feels like somebody died. I really do appreciate all your videos and how honestly you describe the process. Thank you!
This video made my emotions feel very validated, and helped me make better sense of why im feeling this way. Thankyou!
Thank you Alan, your compassionate and empathetic spirit is so soothing. After watching these video I feel stronger accepting myself where I am at in my process of grief
Thank you for watching, and I'm glad that this resonated with you.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Who else immediately made a cup of tea after watching this video?
I think everything in life has a 'price', and in case of relationships, it's this horrible feeling when a meaningful one ends. I don't know about others but I came to the conclusion that it's not worth it for me anymore, I'd rather spend all my energy and time on improving myself, my finances, achieving my goals and maxing out my potential, without even seeking social validation from anyone. I just want to enjoy life, and that's the path I choose. It's a blissful, liberating feeling. (23 year old male)
Nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore. It's either hookups or you're single.
I felt this in my soul. Yes only real recognizes and appreciates real, and those people are few and far between now days. The good ones we get punished for trying to spread our light. I'm feeling the same way!!! Well wishes to you 🥰🤗🌅
I agree my friend. I was in a six-year relationship. The last couple of years were very difficult, as she refused to hold a meaningful job, and held onto her dreams in the entertainment industry. I broke things off at the end of the holidays. She moved out. I missed her immensely for two months. And we reconnected.
I really thought things were headed in the right direction, and I was so excited that we had both learned from our mistakes, and we’re ready to move on. I was ready to go to couples therapy, and we were planning on a long distance relationship, living an hour away, to continue the repairs.
But, in the last month, all of her heart and soul went out of things. There was no passion in her kisses. The sex stopped. Communication was less. She has now completely shut me out. I am heartbroken, but, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have a great job, great kids, and great friends to help me get through things. I know I’ll get through the other side ok. I just need to get over the feeling of being used. It’s a first for me. Thanks for this video.
Not the same at 36
I feel the same way but I am 63. I'm going to focus on getting and staying healthy, completing goals, and just trying to find joy in little things. What makes it hard is I am the only single one in my entire family and everyone has someone at family gatherings except me
Thank you for giving permission to acknowledge my pain.
I think breaks up are much easier to handle when you are young. When you are nearly 43 and feeling old and crap then that's really shitty. I'd love to get married to a sane, normal man with a job he loves who can do D.I.Y I'd make a lovely wife.
Really? They always say it gets easier when you get older. Because by then, you will be more experienced in handling your emotions. I'm 27, and I been getting my heart broke back to back since I was 18 years old. Ex girlfreind left me back in February, and I'm still feeling pretty upset and the trauma still has not gotten any better.
@@HACKED787 Really? I dont ever see my brother (35yrs) ever sweat a break up. Or my dad who re-married 5 times. It's like I never see men mourn a breakup. They just get with other females. And that's exactly how I feel now. Now that I look back at all the breakups I had it makes me feel even worse. Like I just lived a pathetic life.
The way I see it is, they were never the person you thought they were. So how can you mourn the relationship you never actually had. Right? So fuck them, they don’t deserve you anyway.
You're absolutely right I was in a three-year relationship from the age of 16 to 19 and it only took him two weeks to get over him I still had the strength to go work I just cried through it and I did not care so much
now I'm 31 years old and breakups feel like they just want to make you suicidal
I'm 56 and yes, I do think that breakups are more difficult as we get older. When I was young, I told myself this hurts but there will always be somebody else. Nowadays it's a different world. The hookup culture has replaced dating. Nobody wants to be in a relationship anymore. Connecting to another person has been replaced by social media and dating apps. It's depressing for the older generations that remember what life was like before the internet. I'm not saying that the internet is all bad, but I do believe that it has damaged human relationships.
its like you know me in person.
Your words about what im being through are legit without even knowing me..
I was in a pretty bad relationship. I loved my partner to death. Whenever they hurt me, I just internalized it and didn't want to hurt them ever in the same way. I treated them delicately. I truly loved them. 6 years passed and some days I was in agony but I lived with it because I loved this person so much. They were selfish. I knew that for a while. I would constantly think about his feelings. The problem was, he would too. His feelings were the only ones being thought about. Mine were disregarded by both myself and him. One day he pushed me so far. He kept attacking me. He kept calling me hurtful things and saying hurtful things (more than usual). And I just wanted to be alone that day to think. I told him the truth after his tirade. just one sentence. He dumped me days later. Because I hurt HIS feelings by saying he was a neglectful and abusive person. My feelings never mattered. After 6 years, this is how it sunk. It hurts to detach. Even when he hurt me, I still loved him. Even now, it hurts.
This video is helping however. I'm going through this abandonment anxiety, but he is not. I guess I really know now that I was the one truly invested.
Amen. It is so hard to stop loving someone, even when you know that they don't love you.
Same thing for me for 7 years. Its better to be alone than to be putting 100 percent for someone who doesnt for you
You just described my relationship exactly. Strange to see it in words. I get it, what you went thru. I’m just getting out of a relationship just like it.
Mine is exactly the same story, it's ended last night when I confronted him, in return I was terribly abused verbally it was frightening. I'm not having the conversation I've blocked his phone number
@@JD-jz8vl I understand your pain. im sure you're feeling a mix of emotions right now. But know you'll be so much happier without him around. It may take a bit of time to heal and adjust, but life feels so much better without that toxicity around.
I wish you the absolute best
I am currently feeling this pain in my heart. He was not only a lover, he was my family and my best friend. As a result, I feel very alone with only my dark thoughts for company. I am grieving once again. Unfortunately I have to function in normal life and it is very difficult. I catch myself crying in public. Fortunately I know I am a sensitive person so I always have a pair of sunglasses that I put on to hide the overflow. I feel ashamed of myself. I feel small and useless. Theres really nothing left in life for me. But, I am surprised that it’s been only a few weeks and although I’m broken inside and don’t care what happens to me, I am in acceptance mode. please pray for my situation. Even though I feel happier after watching this… i have no will to live. Someone please get me out of my own brain…
I hear you and thank you for sharing your grief. Many of us understand this pain. It's comforting to know others have been through this and can relate with us. Wishing you self-gentleness.
leaving someone is like torture for me. one of my worst fears is being left, so leaving someone else is unbearable for me, even if the guy is dangerous. when you know the deep wound of abandonment, you don't want anyone you care about to go through it either. when i tell myself i'm going to go through with the break up with him, i have a major panic attacks i run ti the bathroom and i am literally sick,. i actual feel like leaving him is going to kill me! how can you live with yourself knowing you hurt someone so deeply?.i don't want anyone else to feel the pain of feeling abandoned. i hope this makes sense. thank you for your advice.
High Tides M & R Forever 2themoon&back this is from a year ago.. wt happened? Im there now!
I chose to leave my partner because he was dragging me to bad life and he didnt know how to protect the one he loves from his harm and from his family harm too
I really didnt have an option with him and I loved him more than anything in this life but I knew that I'll put my feet in real hell if I continued to marriage life with him
I'm still griefing because I know he is not good for me but we can't choose who to love and I still love him alot but there is no chance for us to be together again I know it through the passed 3 years I spent with him .. in the end its really reached very ugly and bad level I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to walk away
We separated 5 months ago but I feel I'm literally dead and without hope for anything because I wanted to be with him more than anything in this life
But he didnt leave an option for me except leaving him
I hope life will show mercy on me leaving decision was never easy for me but I know it was the best for me the worse could've happened if I continued in such wrong relationship
I am the same. I finally had to call the police in a non threatening way because he would not leave and I knew it needed to end. He has had a lot of pain and I didnt want to hurt him any more even though I was dying inside. Sending love!
Makes perfect sense
Yes . I can absolutely relate with it ..
Yes, those mindful or mindless moments can sneak up on you and you find yourself in moments of comfort back into your being. You will be ok eventually. The relationship with ourself is the most precious. Letting go of the story, and our fantasy future life we construct. This is a big opportunity to heal the unresolved child abandonment. Be there with yourself. You are not alone. Self-validate not invalidate. Self care with a hot shower, fresh linen, nice meal and distracting movie. Love yourself back to stable xx
You are the most accurate person ever. Your delivery of these truths, you are the best
Thank you, every time a relationship ends for me it feels like I have left an abusive relationship even though it hasn’t been! That’s what my body feels inside ❤️ your videos are very much needed xx
Empathy to you. I hear you. Glad the videos are helpful. Thanks for valuing my effort.
"I am a mess"... saying it was so liberating... thank you so much....
Thank you Alan.....although the love was an illusion because he made out to be something he is not......I still have to grieve the illusion. Thanks again
Same
Same here, this has happened twice to me now
@@Rebecca-vt7rp it's ever so painful
Exactly 6 years down the drain of my life and now he's just fine while I'm an absolute disaster
Thank you Alan! My panic attack stopped while I was watching this video.
I’ve had a number of therapists, read books, watched video after video but nothing and no one has made more sense than you my friend!!! You are a wonderful gift to the world in my humble opinion 🙏🏻❤️namaste❤️🙏🏻
Eiran, thank you for your kind response. Please consider joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for writing down what I am thinking too. @eiran
This is the best video I have seen in the past 2 months after a breakup. Each day still feels like the first day, and the explained everything so well. And now I am learning to tell myself that it’s not business as usual, and I do need to slow down and just focus on taking care of the absolute basics. I was trying to do what everybody else recommends, starting new hobbies, going on trips, spending time with friends, and that pushed my even further into physical and emotional exhaustion. Thank you so much for this!
I love this guy, he is awesome.
I didn't end it. He just disappeared. I'm everything you said and more. The pain won't go away.
I HearYou🙏 and relate 🙏💖
The same with me he disappeared as well!!! so painful all the memories we had together
How are u doing today?
The same thing happened to me. She just disappeared. How are you feeling now?
Yeah... that's me: run over by a car, bus and train and an elephant is sitting on my chest...
D D hey D D that’s me now, I’ve just been dumped after a ten year rele to someone I adored beyond belief. I’m beside myself. I’m sure if there’s a hell this is what it is. How you feeling now a year later?
AsSeenOnTV please tell me you’re not being serious
Do you feel better after a year has past DD??
@@airindiana No, he's just insulting someone who is suffering. She posts regularly on her channel.
That describes me perfectly right now. I hope by the time someone reads this. I'll be completely healed from this bullshit.
It's incredibly validating to hear you articulate so perfectly how horrific the initial trauma of the death of a relationship in life can be. Your voice is so calming, as well. Thank you for sharing these.
torycorbin, I am glad this material resonates with you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I feel horrible, i feel like my life has lost its meaning, I am so sad, depressed, and without energy, motivation... i thought i was more resilent but now it's more than two months and I'm still destroyed, i keep stalking her profile, and i am even envious of her having success and crushing it, i feel bad about wishing she would fail and feel bad, because that's what i feel, she made me feel so bad, i am so hurted i could never think i'd feel like this, she blindsided me, left me alone from one day to another, moved on without any honor, accountability, integrity, with the professed wish to hurt me... she never looked back and she seems happier than ever...
She managed to be on the stronger side by preparing this for months and have the upperhand, at the end of the day what she wanted was to leave in a position of power, it was all a power game, not truly a love thing, f**k that
Thank you 🙏 for putting Into words the horrible pain of a heartbreak . I cried through the entire video because I felt acknowledged . It means so much to have someone validate the struggles and pain . I feel so judged and misunderstood. It’s so hard to explain what all this feels to others when they see it as simple as moving on . It does feel like I’m dying inside. I will try everything you said so I can make it through my day . I noticed your last video was a year ago . I really hope you come back on . You are a jewel.
I fully relate. Thank you Luna🙏
Thank you so much for these wise words Alan. This is exactly what I've been going through these last 5 weeks and it is unbelievably painful. All the pain of the past and the present rolled into a giant snowball coming right at me. You have helped me to slow down and work on taking care of me right now. It is a lonely painful process but I have done this before and know I will survive again!
MsSeniah I like your comment it's helpful. im going through it again . But I should remember this isn't the first time
I watched this 6 months ago after I broke up with my boyfriend. I watched it a few times, and took the advice. I would add pre-washed spinach greens to my soup. I kept thinking about Alan's words of wisdom. I didn't do my taxes. I waited. Well, needless to say my ex and I started talking again. (Long distance) I've broken up with him again yesterday, and this time it is more definite and final. I am back to square 1, and it's just bloody awful. I know I have attachment injuries/trauma of some sort. Also, it's true...the raindrop analogy. With this grief it's bringing up other loss/grief issues very much so - especially around my health and also aging. It is very tough. Indeed, I feel like a "normal person" would be like: "Ok, you tried, cut your losses...sad... (5 or 6)"... but, I'm definitely closer to a 10. Today I really felt that I could barely function in practical ways, so it was helpful to hear Alan's advice...yet again. There is also grief for me just not knowing how to do relationships as well as I would like to. Thank you, Alan. I'm so glad this video is still available. I may need to watch it again tomorrow.
The reason I created the membership community because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This is so spot on! This helps so much to know what's going on. At almost forty I'm going through my first heartbreak. I thought I was going crazy.
Love this! So inspiring! My mind has been completely consumed by thoughts of him. It’s been six months since he left, and the pain of losing him feels like a physical ache. The laughter, the memories, the adventures sadly, it’s all gone. I’ve tried everything to distract myself, but the harder I try, the more I find myself thinking about him. How do people let go and move on? It’s been months, yet the memories of him are still so vivid. I miss him more than words can say.
This has been one of the most helpful videos I have ever seen. Breaking everything down and studying the tiniest details helped incredibly I can't even explain it. When you feel that sickening pit in your stomach and chest. Feeling the blanket on your skin. The light pressure touching you. The coolness or warmness of your blanket. This was been the best coping tool I have found so far.
Lauren, thank you for the supportive comment. Empathy to you. It sounds like you had quite a visceral response. This healing stems deep and can be so layered. I'm glad to hear you received benefit from watching this video and that you are finding self-soothing tools that help.
Many of our emotional states-of-mind are linked to or impacted by past trauma. This is often referred to as emotional flashbacks. Then, we find ourselves responding to these emotional triggers in predictable ways. I realized I needed to create a course to explain this further.
It also helps to be working on this healing among others going through similar things, which is one of the reasons why I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
100 days later and I'm still there. The solar plexus thing is so accurate.
Are you still there? Does it get better?
@@jackwednesday gets slot worse before it gets better
OMG I thought I was going crazy. Thank you for this.
Same
It’s been over a year now and I am still having dreams of the good times in my life with my ex. I am afraid to go to sleep because I know I will dream of him and have such feelings of loss. When he discarded me it was when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It was a brutal discard but 8 months later I am still having dreams of him that are all loving and kind to which I wake up confused. In the first half hour I am feeling such a crushing loss. Once I am awake I am able to see the relationship for what it was, abusive. Your videos are so on point. Grief is hard and last longer when the attachment disorder is not addressed. It is so helpful to understand my wounds from childhood are making this loss disproportionately traumatic. Friends and family just repeat over and over to just get over it so I have no one who understands to share with. These videos are helping so much. I am showing myself some self love and trying to stop the reliving of the trauma of abandonment. I have learned journaling has been most helpful because I could look at these experiences over time and see my own progress.
Cindy Big hugs for you. I feel your story. Thank you
Everytime I go through any type of romantic Breakup. This process happens to me. And I'm right back to this video. Every single break up from someone I loved. Weather it was a short relationship like 2 months. Or a long relationship like 2 years. I feel this pain. God help me
poweroftheL I am the same way. Even lose contacts of sometimes a few weeks. But NOW I have lost what I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, after 4,5 years, and I am in sheer hell. He broke up with me after we had gotten in some type of anxious avoidant trap and we were both hurting each other. But now I am hurting even more and all I want is him back
@@GMH9765 sorry to hear this how are you feeling now? I'm also going for a similar situation again!!
The way u described grief when experienced against the backdrop of attachment trauma .is truly incredible . the detail in which u delve into the feelings, care with which u choose ur words and really come down to meet a person in their grief is a level of compassion and expertise that i am truly grateful to for .thanku .noone has ever explained this to me quiet so well .its literally like a godsent angel.
Thank you so much for this video Alan. I'm currently in that moment of excruciating pain, overwhelmed with sadness. To hear that this is normal for us with attachment trauma, it is incredibly validating. It's hard to have conversations like this with people who have not dealt with loss the way we have. It does make me feel better, even if it's just for a bit, that this pain is justified.
Thanks for letting me know this video was helpful. Empathy to you. Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
This helped, even a few months after a break up and into the divorce process. Today was thanksgiving and the grief hit me hard. Thank you.
Empathy to you. Many can relate with having a hard time with the holidays. Glad this video was helpful for you. Thanks for commenting. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.
This is what I'm experiencing now, the worst process I've ever experienced. My heart goes out to all who are suffering this end along with me. This pain seems almost unbearable...
It’s unbearable and doesn’t let up feels like a heart attack and stomach flu all day now for days it’s torture
I watched many videos after the trauma of my breakup and this was the best. Thank you so much Alan Robarge. You REALLY understand the pain.
I wish I was the hyper focused individual. I'm finding it difficult to complete the smallest tasks.
I had several years of mindfulness practice & meditation until I crushed totally. In hindsight I wonder even I was not able to meditate anymore until today, if the mindfullness skills kept me going. What Allen described reminded me strongly of what I did in my most crushed time, like: okay, I do my breakfast, what am I going to do tonight, life is change - so this will change as well... And so on. Really from day to day living. It was still really hard.
Me too
I've been sitting in my car for hours I can't do anything so painful when I keep reminiscing about all the movies we watched together and all the things we did
This video was life changing. I'm so glad it was 30 minutes. Because the second it was over, a lot of my anxiety rushed right back. I'm going to return to this every day or so to come back to reality. You're a really special person Mr. (or Dr, i don't know your level of education) Robarge. Thank you for saving me tonight.
Thank you for watching, Michael. I appreciate your kind words and that you value my work.
Grief is a difficult thing for us to feel, and it's something we discuss in-depth in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
When I'm feeling sad and missing him so much, I just play this until I fall asleep. It's very soothing to know that someone understands me.. Thank you.
Great to hear you feel understood through this content. Thanks for the feedback. Glad you are finding benefit. Please also share this video with others who may find it helpful. Help me spread the word.
Drop the story and drop into the feelings. This is my new mantra ❤️🙏🏻
Yes I think the story just makes it worse for us
This man is the only one I've found who hits my nail right on the head..I love his truth!much love for your teaching and willingness to help others!your words have had a huge grounding affect on my life..thank you Sir!❤️
I watched a million video on this topic so far this one is the most soothing , i hate it when other videos tell me to exercise! seriously ! Thank u , it helps
Appreciate the feedback and thanks for valuing my work. Nice to hear this content offers benefit for you. It is so important to keep talking about grieving skills. Thanks for letting me know this video was helpful. Please also share it with others who may like it. Help me spread the word.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you
Havent slept or ate in days. I get up from bed and start drinking at 5am to dull myself. I wasnt good enough to save my marriage, and despite my best efforts, it wasnt enough. Literally just trying to get through the next 24 hours day by day
It’s been over 3 months since she completely wrote me out of her life and the pain is still so unbearable. I’m not holding onto hope of things working out anymore at all. But the void that this split left in my life is undeniable. Thank you for your advice. One second at a time is how things sometimes have to be.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can tell how painful and overwhelmed you feel. These strong feelings can be difficult to navigate sometimes. Empathy to you.
Grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a full video library in the community for members to access 24/7 and a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. We explore the "how" in the community. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Excellent and exactly what is going on when people with attachment trauma go through loss. This is where I was. It was never to be and ....I was hurting.
I had 2 breakups in the past 2 years with the same person, and this video helps SO MUCH. Thank you so much for this
Glad to hear this video is helpful. I hear you. Breakups can be challenging. Many of us have been there.
Grieving our losses is a topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
For 18 years ago, for the frst time I really let myself to get involved. The person was clearly undependable which I was totally blind to. It turned out, he was having fun, fooling women, one after another. The point is that I think that perhaps, sooner or later, one has to reenact the broken, abusive 'bondage' one possibly had at least with one parent. I had the breakdown relatively late. The breakdown was so deep in my cells, it did some permanent damage which affected my physical health. Only years after have I understood how abusive my relationship with my parent has been, always, and still is. Now, I have healed a long way. My sense of reality in relationships is no longer distorted. This is life.
My fiance left me 2 weeks ago. We had a 2 year old daughter 😢 praying she comes back
The knife of grief has pierced me. Its been a week and I'm struggling just to do simple things
How are u now x
Same here 💔
4 months on and i’m still dying inside 😔
how are you now 😭 im a month into my first breakup and i’m scared my grief is going to last the next 2 years.
I love your videos and that you let us know this is normal. It’s so helpful. The pain is so intense and the grief feels so suffocating.
Thank you for watching and for your kind words. I'm glad that my videos help you; it's important for us to know that our experiences are valid and we're not alone in our emotions - no matter how intense or suffocating they are.
If you're not familiar already, grief is one of the topics we cover in the 8 week online community program I created. There is a whole section of videos on the topic of grief. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. Please consider joining us in the conversation over at Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Damn this is good. I’m so glad I found you. After 8 months I’m ready to move on and heal.
Thank you for this video.
After watching this video I was depressed but decided to reach out to a family member because your words about looking for support from friends. I went to the ER was on 51/50 hold and went inpatient for three days. Because of this I realized it was my meds making me depressed, but I still have the attachment problems while there I learned very basic stuff in DBT and radical acceptance and now I'm working on healing and fixing myself so that my past no longer holds me and I can practice radical acceptance. Thank you, I love all your videos and how you explain things in a way that not only makes sense but describes very well what it feels like and then for the most part explains why it does and validates how I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not alone. No one is, I'm glad I decided to watch this video when I got the notification it changed my life (:
Thank you...just when I lost all hope to making it through this....I just happened across your video. What a gift.
I have been spinning out of control for 3 years in this relationship.... I fought my intuition.... I'm dumped again... for the 10 time... still spinning 😢
Me too. I've broken up with him so many times I bet you could predict my behaviour probably saying to himself she'll be back to give her sometime I feel so silly and so stupid breaking up getting back together breaking up getting back together it's horrible
Your talks are the best on TH-cam! 🙏
"Focus on... giving up." Hot tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face.. because I recognized this as what I must do now.
Thank you...
Roxanne, thank you for such an open reflection. I'm glad to hear this video was moving. Thank you for that feedback. We talk more about grieving as healing in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, sending you my heartfelt thanks for probably the most eloquent description I have heard of what loss of a relationship actually feels like in its immediacy. You have no idea how much you have helped me today. I am so grateful to you right now
I appreciate the response. I'm glad to hear you connected with this video and that it was helpful for you. It's so affirming when others can relate with what we share. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for the kind feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
EVERY WORD....hits so hard. It's exactly my life description.
Thank you for being so straightforward. Everything you describe is what I’m going through. I am constantly conflicted about everything in the relationship, in the end he told me he didn’t think the relationship was right and ended it. But I want to blame his drug addiction and the fact that he took anti depressants which could have made him emotionally numb. At the same time I should not be with someone struggling with an addiction but he was such a loving person. It’s all a big mess but I’m glad you speak the way you do and giving some advice. Some TH-camrs only give me hope by telling me if doing this and that he might come back
Feel the pain. Feel it unmovingly, unconditionally. Instead of trying to get rid of it, bring it closer. Let it get worse. This is the path to freedom. Either that or continue being enslaved. You may want to read Michael Singer's article "pain the price of freedom"
Who is in charge? You or the pain?
thank you for your advice.i had that panic attack you talked about in 15:00 last night. having a bad heart it was like a past heart attack.
First 10 seconds and already completely on point. Dying here
Thank you so much Alan. I went through a traumatic breakup back in June (as well as a decade ago) and I never knew how to deal with it outside of obsessing for months and months and months. Listening to this now has been so helpful in terms of helping me process what was happening and what it looked like from an outsiders self perspective. Thank you. I’m going to post this on the r/breakups subreddit today and often enough going forward. Thank you
You're welcome and thank you for the supportive comment Spencer. I am glad to hear that this video was helpful to you. Thank you for sharing it. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know my video was helpful.
Its been over 3 years since she left and im still in this same place. Every day its been a struggle and it just gets worse as time goes on.
MetroidHatchling Shit, my friend. You have to get help. That is brutal!
Any improvement now?
@@ThePonyd I'm doing a little bit better in general now. 4 years of therapy has helped. Thank you for asking. Nothing's changed in regards to her, and I still miss her and feel sad about what happened, but I keep busy and do what I can.
I am *so* sorry you're suffering so. I hope you heal completely one day soon, and hope you can find someone that you can love again and find happiness with. Take care!@@MetroidHatchling
You have been the only person so far that actually explains this perfectly and really helped me cope just now. Will definitely be listening to this during my grieving process. Thank you!
It's been a month of no contact and it feels worse these few days
gwen joplin hang in there it takes a little more than that to be able to get through over the hump... and I will have to remember this soon because I was over the hump and getting better and then I went back... I've been back for almost a year but it is not right and as soon as I get the guts up again and the ability to get past the fear I will be done. sometimes we just have to jump into the chasm and allow it to surround us. it will get better. Find yourself.
i took have had contact.. but i have put strong boundries down and am getting better at telling him no and i dont want to see him still hurts for some reason..
Same
How are you now?
How are u
A recent relationship rejection has left me devastated and I could not figure out how this came about - my last rejection 8 years prior seemed a relief! Now I see myself going through adrenaline rushes and extreme exhaustion; my productivity at work has drastically suffered, with persistent back-and chest-pain... and I was wondering why. This video has really helped me to soothe and understand what I am going through. I am also relieved by the thought that this is normal and that now that I see what’s happening is a positive indication that I have greater awareness than during previous rejections. I am also proud of myself that I got some good things on my own (e.g. burning scented candles) as I investigate my emotions.
24:20 love the running water drop example. staring through a window on a rainy day as a child, watching those drops uniting. Beautiful and yes, bitter if all your issues come up.
This is scary at how accurate he just described how I’ve been feeling for the past 4 months. Almost exactly. I just couldn’t put the pain emotionally and physically into words like he has. I’m absolutely dumbfounded.
Are you better ?
How do you feel now
Thank You! This video has helped me in this moment of panic I am having. I appreciate you making yourself available to people like me.
Love the approach that he takes. Simplistic and real suggestions that are so helpful.
Exactly how I feel. Even worse because it's an on/off relationship so I get these feeling once a month only for it to be reversed by us making up. It's exhausting me I have nightmares every night and I literally want to throw up that's how bad it is.
C Chan omg yesssss me too. it is horrible. self-imposed prisons that we have created.
Yes, I did this too. For many years. I was losing my mind. I only felt relief when we were back together but then I kept asking myself why I was still with him when I wasn't truly happy. I know now I have this emotional attachment trauma and my neediness was very prevalent throughout the relationships. UGH!
I feel your pain when it's on and off it's even more awful for us with this anxious attachment mine has been on and off as well and it's really bad because we have to suffer with this over and over again
@@FollowingJesus17 On/off is shitty, I agree. I did this for ages. But my on/off STOP was crushing against a WALL, not comparable. In my on/off times I never felt like that. I think I went on with on/off for 20 years bc something in me knew I couldn't take the pain being alone with all these trauma off fucked up relating, unavailable ppl and a highly disfunctional family. I am still grieving, but just thinking about on/off shit makes me throw up.
I really appreciate your honesty in these videos and how relatable this is....Deep down we really do know that its over....But human instinct goes into "I have to fix it".
Yes, I totally get that need to "fix it" and it makes sense especially when our attachment needs are threatened even if we know deep down the relationship isn't working. Thank you for appreciating my work. I'm glad to hear that it resonates for you. If you'd like to learn how to engage more or support the continuation of my videos check out the options below:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again.