The #1 Reason A Narcissist Has Power Over You
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 1 ก.ค. 2020
- A major problem in your relationship with a narcissist is that in the early stages, you didn't know what you don't know. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter discusses the need to overcome a pattern from your early developmental years so you can confidently break free from the power a narcissist may have originally had over you. In this video, you'll hear his heart in a way that can bring out a resolve you can build upon.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou
I tell my kids that often
Period!
Yes I seem to remember she said, "do you need to hear it 29 more times"?
I love that!
So eloquently said!
@ Borg Ward, so true!
I'm going to take a stab at it....they have power over us because we project our good qualities onto them (while they project their bad ones onto us). We all see others as being like ourselves. So if we are good-hearted, we assume others are too. We keep having hope that we are wrong about them, that they will snap out of it and change....after all, we can change, learn and grow. But they can't because they refuse to acknowledge they are anything less than perfect.
Ur Spot on! Karl's A Acholic,Bioplolar Selfish Man who can get Ta Hell Away from ME. Red Flags Were Everywhere!!!🙄✌🏿🙏🏿
She McGee Totally.
Don't forget they know they do this . Not only will they refuse to change but they love themselves the way they are, living in fantasy of that they are powerful individuals, the people they prey on are considered dumb in their eyes. When really any of us could act like them easily but we don't do this because we know it's not powerful, it's weak as hell if you need to put someone down to feel higher.... How low on the totem pole could you be to do that .... Jesus tap dancing Christmas
Very true
You are so right! Can relate!
Being in a relationship with these people is like having a slow, steady and continuous drip of emotional acid dripped on your heart.
A very accurate description.
Or its like having your soul waterboarded by sulfuric acid!!! (During the discard/hoover bs.)
When one of your parents is a narcissist, you have a lot of training - you are trained to be a doormat.
MINE ARE.
My mom is and she's turned my brother into one. I'm 48 years old, my brother is 49. it's taking me a long time to understand what was going on. I am so thankful for this channel! I've learned a lot.
Not wishing to show off or anything - I made a hat-trick - both parents and a husband.
Precisely. I'm very surprised to hear what is in these videos and it is OK to not follow the narcissist and be my own person.
@@TC-xp1cn Maybe it's not only because she's narco, I heard many stories about families where parents don't love their children. For example - M. Tsvetaeva, who fed her son better than younger daughter. (You may say "but she's a good poet!". Ok, if parents are not poets but alcoholics, can you find an excuse for them?)
Our mistake is that we genuinely believe that the narcissist will change when in fact they're incapable of changing.
We want to believe it because we are told that everyone is the same when that is just not true.
To him I was a useful idiot...
But really I was a hopeful idiot.
Waiting for him to change.
Never happened.
If I told you how many years I wasted you would think I was just simply a plain old idiot.
A patient one.
@@kitkain7634 Yes but you're not an idiot.
@@kitkain7634 15 years here and only beginning to see. It's hard not to fall for the love bomb, when they are wonderful and absolutely everything you ever wanted. Then you find out that, they're really none of those things and it was all fake to lure you. It's not just lovers either, I found you have to beware of bestest best friends as well. Love you, love you, love you, and steal you blind behind your back.
F them. Predators!🤬
Unwilling, not incapable.
My dad, being a narcissist, purposely kept me and my siblings in state of weakness and fear. Now that we are all adults and figuring him out, he can’t stand that we are standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries. All his hard work going down the drain 🤣🤣🤣🤣
glad to hear that !
In a way its sad and kind of pathetic to see them like this. Depressing too as if theyve been cheated out of experiencing true adulthood. They can be very smart and clever but still destructive and dangerous.
There is a good chance you are narcissist too.
And I can imagine he is LOSING HIS MIND!
Stick it to him! Lol. So happy read you're valiantly enforcing your boundaries to maintain your inner peace. Your story gives me hope.
And the last and most important thing we say to a narcissist, is goodbye.
Because we were never taught self love.
SO VERY TRUE!
Very Astute!!
That’s the core of it!!!
SO TRUE.. we are to love the NARC but NOT ourselves.
You are spot on TBD.
My awareness is finally clear to me but I am pushing 70. Better late than never. Thank you Dr. for this video as well as all your others.
Same here. I had a controlling mother who damaged my confidence as a young child, and as a consequence I attracted more narcissistic controllers. Now at this age, I realise it's better to be alone than to be friends with narcissists, and always feeling patronised and abused.
Michael Langley me too, 62, surrounded by them (family & 2 failed marriages) and ensnared time & again by love for the family members but thankfully much more aware of what is going on :)
@@rbnutwood4659 There should be narcissist coping classes at school, because it's such a common trait that people have, and impose painfully on others. A lot of us start out with a controlling parent which takes decades to overcome.
I’m working on my awareness, discernment, and belief in myself to make the decisions that are best for me, even if it leaves others disappointed or angry!
Wow... I was there. My husband passed away a couple of years ago and just now I’m learning and getting my questions answers I’ve been looking for. I’m going on 70 so I’m so glad that I’ve had this insight.. thank you
It took a long time for me to train myself to realize...I can run my own life.
And it is wonderful to be FREE!
I just accepted that not so long ago...at the age of 36...and having dealt with 2 narcissists the last was a huge eye opener...didn't even know what a narcissist is. Now I am woke and free.
Amen
Was married to a narc almost 25 years. Didn’t know it until the end. I run into narcs and manipulative people constantly. I’m educating myself non stop so I don’t ever have to deal with it again ! Thank you
You need therapy to break the pattern
Mary Carroll, yes, at least it seems so these days.
Oh lord....the world is infested with them. Be cautious and don't get overly involved.
Once you know it you can spot it a mile away
Same here, 25 years and just found out. I feel like I've been in a train wreck
We hand our power over to them in the name of love, fear or even to maintain peace and it becomes the fuel for them to thrive and control us.
Except they never thrive, regardless of what they say.
Especially when you're married and have children. My children are young adults now and there's no more hiding.
Yes, this is a very good point. They want to attack when your guard is down, they get intense easily, and they are very jealous.
Exactly.... But it doesn’t bring peace . .... Best to leave and find your confidence & love 💕 within yourself.. I did .. and feel so much more joy & love in my life now. TG !
It won’t get better either until we get stronger and can give them ‘tough love’.. I know easier said than done .. I’m still trying..
Society loves these people. The world is narcissistic.
Sure, society may not love narcs ...but it surly obeys them
i think people love the clown suit that they wear. Only a few have eyes to see. We sad few. They vie for positions of noteriety.
Thats why it is toxic and will escalate in destruction, like in personal dynamic until one blessed day.
This IS the kingdom of the king of lies... Narcissism is the embodiment of evil.
Drama..and child like abuse....
They played a role in my life. They pushed me towards self love. They showed me what I dont want in my life. I'm no longer a victim . Great compassion and love to those going through this. Life gets better after you free yourself. Blessings to dr.c for all you do to help others. Much love to all.
Very positive attitude and motivating lesson. They keep playing a role but you filter them out so much easier. 🙏♥️
Hi Mimi..Im almost where you are in development and Im happy to say Im finding peace.
Yes, well done!
Be true to yourself. That has to be your rock.
And thats A fact!
It’s NEVER too late to take control of your own life. If you feel trapped in a relationship with a narcissistic person, just start to make inroads into learning to be yourself and not made to feel a door mat and caged in like a lion. You are not a lesser person nor do you have to prolong the agony. Narcs are like a screaming little child who can’t get their own way.
I have learnt NOT to fuel their supply by arguing or entering into their manipulative ways. Just simply pick your battles with them and slowly take back your life. You have a right to be YOU.
Thank you Dr Carter.
Good point. Not engaging, arguing or defending yourself, because you can’t win. Just not responding helps .
Geoff B I appreciate your comments. I'm saving them to re-read for support. The journey to freedom is finally mine!
Very well said!
Even when I feel like sniping back at her, I don't bother, because silence is more of a powerful response. Saying that, silence doesn't even mean that you're responding. It isn't a reaction. I've found it to be one of the best weapons in my arsenal. She can only bully me so much. What more can she possibly do to me? Murder me? 😂
I came to an awakening about 3 years ago when I finally realized what my family dynamic was rooted in: Narcissism. It took 45 years. I was in the role of giver/fixer. Basically, a narc's dream of supply. My eyes began to open when I met my hubby and he saw the dysfunction. He almost bought into their entitlement and selfish ways by trying to be accommodating in order to be accepted. But when my youngest brother pushed past certain boundaries, hubby established himself and had his say on the matter. From then on, he was regarded as "challenging" and "disrespectful." Fast forward 12 years and during those 12 years, I was still slow to see my family for who they are. I'm a Christian and I thought by turning the other cheek and being forgiving would allow for them to see themselves and see a need to change. I was misguided in my thinking as to what turning the other cheek and what true forgiveness is. Narcs interpret humility and forgiveness as permission to continue being they way they are. In 2017, was when I finally saw the light and realized there is no hope without a change of heart. Your videos Dr. Carter have been a Godsend! Thank you for unpacking what narcissism and all its dysfunctionalism.
Koren Cunningham : Hi! I love Dr Carter. Other super doctors, Drs’ Cloud and Townsend. They wrote a book “Boundaries,” all based on Christian Boundaries. Have a super weekend!
@@hikerhobby1204 I bought that book in 2017 and it was the stepping stone to lifting the fog from my eyes! It was that book that opened up my appetite for learning about narcissism! Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm for that book!
Koren Cunningham : Praise Jesus! I was fortunate enough to belong to a church that taught Boundaries as well as three other classes from Dr Cloud and Townsend. Changes that Heal, Hiding from Love and Safe People. All three are awesome! All three are books with workbooks. This information should be part of our middle school curriculum! Have an amazing weekend! God bless you!
Sometimes we keep turning the other cheek because in a way we are trying to save them. They need to work out their own salvation. God is forever good and after a time it's best to brush the dust off your feet and walk away. Pray for their salvation. Pray for their minds to be renewed by the Holy Spirit. Keep well. Growing up like a beautiful flower as our Lord shines His love on you.
Your rocky road shows the largest rock is your hubby and YOU combined. Much love from Dingwall 🏴✌️♥️💪🙏
The narcissist appoints themselves to control you....without your consent often with silence they do this....
I believe that they have power when we hang onto a naive optimism that your shared history means something, that their words are actually meaningful and that they will change. And of course, we have had the years of love bombing that we believed were real.
All narcissist victims have the same trait: (wishful thinking), this enables self-deception and cognitive dissonance. That's how they anchor you. The best counter attack is to see them for what they are not for what you want them to be.
@@observationsincars5083 thank you thank you, that's helped me see what's been happening, a ray of insight.
Yes, exactly this, thank you so much
Shared history of shxxt lol. Shxxty history with shxxty ppl. Get out asap! Cold shoulder them. Best decision for anyones sanity.
Had to chuckle at the notion that shared history means something. I got a letter from her through the attorney because I have a restraining order against her. She wants me to remember our history and forgive her and lift the order because it shows up in background checks.
Of course she never acknowledges her violence and abuse or being sorry about that.
They understand that history is important to other people and that they can use it to manipulate.
That is the only value to them.
My years with my ex wife narc we’re totally wasted years every effort I put into that relationship didn’t matter one bit because it only was about her and what she could get out of it. Now I’m trying to mend my life back to some semblance of normalcy. This thing hurt me to my core but I will get past it you can count on it!!
My prayers are with you! Sending healing mojo to you. I am working on leaving! My narc criticizes everything about me, constantly. It degrading to my soul.
Hope you're doing better. I can relate. I wouldn't be surprise your ex didn't want help for her emotional pains and turmoil.
Wisconsin Wanderer I am so sorry for your position, but you will be so happy when you are out of it. I lived with this same situation for thirty five years, but I picked myself up, smiled and made new friends. I spent nine fun years living alone with no one controlling me. Eventually I met and married the most caring, loving and and we spent the happiest 18 years of my life until he passed last year. You can find a happy life, stay positive.
Yes, we do rise up above it and our frequency comes back with brain train. Just hard to relate to their hollow chocolate bunny selves. Their insides are lacking in EQ, but they use their IQ as if playing a life game. Lord have mercy on their separation from their own souls lives. Let them be birds of a feather together, with their own thieving kind!
You can do this!
Sometimes I think the healing from narc abuse is more difficult than being in the abusive situation because you see it clearly, you feel the hurt, anger, humiliation, the wrongs and suffering fully.
Agree. Being awake is painful. Just started watching John Bradshaw videos (inner child). I see how my life has unfolded. I didn't stand a chance. Dr C is gentle and wonderful. We need to work every day to heal. There doesn't seem to be an answer to the pain. I m working on replacing my shame with compassion.
I completely agree with that. I'm there
They kill you! You just don't stop breathing 😔😩😮
I felt like was a walking dead person for YEARS! I am alive now!
So true. My ex slowly was killing me for 20 yrs. I could NEVER do anything right ! I walked on eggshells. Never knew what to do to make him not yell at me or demoralize me. I finally left( thinking he would hunt me down and kill me ). Remarried. Still after 20 years if a beautiful marriage I was always on guard, waiting for something to happen. It NEVER ends. My ex ruined my life. REALLY !!!!
Joann, I call it "Mental Murder." They are skilled at it.
@@anitazakarian908 yes same here
@@pamelariley6694 They still need supply. They only want you dead when they realise their control over you is gone.
If early development years mean childhood, a powerful weapon against narcissists is what I've never been given, namely self confidence. When you're accustomed to being belittled, you don't even notice that the narc is disrespecting you. Then, when you start to realize something is very off, you're still unable to stand for yourself and you comply to the narc's rules just to have them off your back.
@@justChristine yes, I was taught to put up with whatever, I have a problem not confronting in the moment.
I want to keep the peace as long as I can.But it’s backing up with stress.
My mother was a narcissist, so I didn't stand a chance from day one to be taught differently. Thank goodness I am now learning about the disorder. I am so much happier.
@@butterflygirl2285 glad for you:-)! I still struggle, grieving, trying to learn boundaries, develop safe relationships.
"I'm strong. I'm capable. I'm determined. I'm ready."
I really believe there is so much heartache in these relationships especially w parents because we have total attachment to them because it's the natural course of life, and they have no real attachment to us. It's not mutual. We are like appliances, either you perform on their terms or you are nothing. Love is completely conditional and their definition of love is not the same as ours.
Nicole M . Amen sister. I’ve been my narc mother’s personal contractor for 30 years. Regularly unpaid because job wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t good. All that being said, I purely loved your appliance analog. I just wish my mom would yell at the washing machine the way she yells at me while I’m trying to work. That would be internet gold. Stay up friend, Peace.
100%
I always wondered what happened to me,, recently found out my "mother" is a covert narc.. Hard to believe they don't love you but when I remember things she has done to me.. Betrayed me over and over. Tried to destroy my marriage and me.. She succeeded with my brother.. He died in addiction.. Other siblings see her as a victim.. Its soo hard to break free😭 but I know she is dangerous
spot on! which makes the process of separation that is so necessary, that much more heartbreaking!
Caroline Daly they can't love anybody as they are totally empty and because they cannot admit weakness or vulnerability they have cut off their ability to receive love which is the only think that can save and change them,,, ask me how I know....raised by narc father.. only repeated relationship failures have broken me enough to learn and receive love....
This is an excellent video! You never realize what you weren’t taught until after a profound experience with a narcissist, and then the awakening happens. It feels like a lot of work to heal childhood wounds, yet videos like this help a lot and gives one hope.
Perhaps because of codependency. I had to come to understand that I am responsible for myself, my actions, and my happiness. No one else is. Neither can I be responsible for the actions of anyone else, or their happiness. I can't change anyone else. Can't wait for this video, Dr. C!
You said it so well. After last year & being 1 year & 8 months now; I had to accept that I had a part in my pain. But it was also my road to actually healing. Hard pill to swallow when you get real with yourself & say to self "well girl, you allowed it". Yep, people will do & get away with what you allow. EXCEPT the physical, emotional, verbal & sexual abuse I endured from narc mom & sister under the age of 18. THAT, was not my fault. And even when I finally spoke up about it, I was not believed!! 😲😞
You are completely right, I was born into a codependent family, I learned it at a very early age, I even remember my mom trying to make her happiness my responsibility when I was still in single digits. Anything that I found happiness in was removed, my parents packed up all my toys and gave them to Goodwill, just like in Mommy Dearest. My dad even did this to my mom late in her life, I gave her a stuffed bear she would carry around, me still be responsible for my mom's happiness in my 40s, and my dad took it away from her.
@@naz-nazneen886 Narcissists live in upside down land, they raise you to be overly empathetic, I consider it the blessing from coming from a cursed family. Their entitlement issues are usually so extreme they will never be able to face themselves, and that isn't your problem trying to get them to the other side. Its also going to be next to impossible to talk to other people because of the two sided nature of a narcissist, you go out looking for empathy and people think you are nuts because they are so vested in the narcissist's version of themselves, just like you used to be. I'm lucky enough to have a big family and some people have caught glimpses of the flip side of my parents.
Has anyone ever had a narcissist say the exact same things you say....because they can't think on they're own.....So if you know you're good they'll say the same about themselves....knowing they are the opposite. It took a bit but I'm learning😁😁😁😁
Yvonne Jones Yes. I can only speak to family members. So I called them on it. I got laughing in return. They are truly middle school minded adults. I blocked & have NC with those sick minded people.
My mother taught us girls to defer to the men as long as they didn't physically abuse us or substance abuse. So we were super tolerant of selfish and cruel behavior from our boyfriends and husbands.
I was programmed w/ this same " cult like" instruction too. It's CRAP
My mother told me “at least he doesn’t drink” & she told my sister (who’s partner did drink) “at least he doesn’t beat you”. Always a reason “I should be grateful for what I have”! Like I don’t deserve more or better.
I was scolded on how I spoke to him. He doesn’t have feelings to hurt. Narc mom covered my narc husband, over me. She was disrespectful.
Narcs are like abusive dog owners. They just want to kick their dog until it's tail stops wagging. Then they say 'knew you weren't a good dog'. Then the dog rests and rests and rests and gets all it's strength back, and the pattern repeats.
I’m in the midst of leaving after 20 years😢. It’s SO HARD as we are still under same roof. He’s already moved on. Never thought I’d be starting over at 63. Absolutely zero emotion out of him...doesn’t care one iota
I’m starting over at 55, literally, moving into a house with no furniture. The feeling is incredible! Freedom! It’s scary but worth it. Going into mediation in two weeks. I wish you all the best, don’t let anything discourage you!
I left after 26 years. It was the most devastating decision of my life but had to be done. I needed to save myself when there was still something left to be saved. You can do this. You are stronger than you think. One year later I’m still just beginning to heal but so so worth it. Sending you strength and peace💕
Linda, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You are a good and decent human being who deserves a hell of a lot better than you have been getting. And don't forget it!! I'm 64, and we have a lot of good years left in us! When those bad thoughts barge in, tell them you are over it and to get out of your brain along with your "other" half!!!
@@erikaa3181 That furniture is just a thing. You however are a good spirit who will use that room to grow!!!
@@nabilajafar8877 It will get easier, and you WILL be happier. You have a purpose. Healing will get stronger and more powerful. Yaaa! You are headed toward a much better life!!!!
Dr Carter says in this video: are you ready to take yourself back to your place of competence, free will and self worth? YESSSS!!! Thank you for reminding me to live my own life.
gerardine21,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌹,you don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
I feel that you are pouring your heart out when you are saying Goodness, decency, responsibility, boundaries, self care, kindness, conscientiousness, fairness, and self restraint. You bear the best wishes of all of us. I thank you.
As of 30Minz ago, I was seeing someone who I suspected was a Narcissist. When I asked him why there were other women's clothing on his bedroom floor he dumped me saying he he owed me no explanation. I told him what he was and stuck my finger at him. I'm sticking to my boundaries regardless and I can do that because of all the teachings I've learnt from people such as Dr Les. 🍒
When I met my husband I had no idea what a a narc was. I started learning about these kind of people
Simple. Because we give it to them. And we do it by being dutiful, obedient, hopeful, non-confrontational, intimidated, etc. The reality is no one has real power over you except yourself.
Trained incompetence that's hitting the bullseye.
Because we Love, Care, Bond. And trust. Also project our good qualities onto Them and give the benefit of doubt and forgive. We have a hard time believing that some people want to use and abuse others. That was Way more than one reason 😃😂 Number one being LOVE maybe
Thanks Dr. Carter. I have needed this information for decades.I spend all of my adult life in therapy with one therapist after another listening, writing things down and they speaking with such vagueness I still had no idea what they thought or were trying to do. Not once did they point out that my husband never changed, that he was controlling and his violent outbursts were childish tantrums designed to keep me and the kids terrified. I finally began drinking because there was no safe place, no safe time, no safety. That really hurt my kids more because I was supposed to be the sane one. I wasn't. There needs to be a transformation in therapy where therapists speak plainly and kindly and really explain the hopelessness in thinking these kind of people will ever change. They don't. Therapist need to help people make a plan. Most therapists are lazy, relie too much on co-dependency as a diagnosis. Really what I was suffering from was life time narcissist abuse. My sense of self is strong, but people can only take so much abuse before depression sets in. Trapped people become dysfunctional.
❤️❤️❤️👍
Kathleen Reardon,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Been on a 40 year roller coaster. Never changes. I tried everything, to have a conversation, pleading, writing letters, but it’s always control, gaslighting, silent treatment, condescending love bombing, etci Thankyou for teaching us.
They want to be above you - only that matters
This is a five star video. We have not been trained on how to take care of ourselves when we are with someone who mistreats us.
Tami Atkinson,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
I can think of many reason but the one on top of my list is: Their conniving ways of manipulating those close to you (smear campaign). They are social engineers and lack empathy. How do you fight someone who’s emotionally broken, lacks empathy and out to get you? How can you fight these monsters without becoming like them?
Use their tactics on them till they leave you alone. It freaks them out. I started gas lighting him like he did me. Sometimes ya gotta fight fire with fire. I had to stand up for myself, I was so isolated and he was destroying me. Then get back to being yourself.
In God's Word, after a lengthy description of what we call "narcissist", it simply says, ...... from such, turn away. Do nothing, don't argue with them, don't engage with them. God Almighty doesn't want us anywhere near them! On here, I believe it's called NO CONTACT! Anything that agrees with what God's Word says, is what I'm gonna do, no more questions about it. A lecture done by my ace Bible scholar titled "Don't Argue With Satan", really hits home with many verses about what we are to do dealing with "the enemy." This doesn't mean to pander to them at all. Or behave like a 2nd class citizen because of their BS. Take whatever action necessary when dealing with them within the law while maintaining our own goodness, dignity and sanity. Let God have the Vengeance on them He's PROMISED. They're SO not worth our getting in any trouble because of them.
You fight them by not fighting them. Say nothing, avoid them, disengage completely thats how YOU win and its the only way that truly works. Doing so you deprive them of what they need. Too bad for them!
@@samwinchester61 thanks Jeff needed that
@@yime6631 , turn them over to God, ask Him to avenge you. He will. My malignant narcissistic cousin, who has targeted me ( I'm disabled ) and cost me over $100,000, has already got some nasty surprises which he, in his ignorance and arrogance, wasn't expecting.
The only problem we have as narcissist's victim is that we CARE. Once we stop giving a flying duck, they got nothing over us. I have to remember this whenever one of them starts a drama.
I love the statement " stop giving a flying duck" so true of we don't care they can't hurt us, as much...
#1 Reason: Because we give them an audience, which feeds their narcissistic 'supply needs'.
"Do not answer the stupid one according to his foolishness,
So that you do not put yourself on his level.
Answer the stupid one according to his foolishness,
So that he does not think he is wise."
-- Proverbs, chapter 26
“If you don’t have competence, you’re screwed!” Dr. C. 🤣😂😅 I love this man.
I've stated this on other videos, my own mother is a high level narcissist. So, you can imagine my early development involved training to be the perfect companion for all narcissists 🙄 hence my adult relationships (friends and partners). These videos are SO IMPORTANT to my "rehabilitation". Thank you!!!
I could’ve written that👆🏻. It’s amazing how we repeat the pattern until we wake up.
Early childhood training gives us incredible tolerance.
I get you Nu Nu, I live this same experience.
There are a complex of reasons to this but its usually our own unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood & growing up that attract narcs into our lives. We actually give that power away to them unconsciously until we get taught how to heal. I love your vids Dr thank you.
Agree
Very true, Mark.
And that is A fact!!
The knowledge I have acquired from watching these videos has defused what was a potentially an explosive situation. The problem of narcissism is not solved but I feel, quite literally, further away from it.
Pleased! Dr. C
I have overcome it after almost 5 years & the help of the Lord but I was married to a Covert Full Blown Narcissistic Woman. I walked away with nothing but my Sanity. I’m so glad there’s people such as you that understand the devastation they can have on a persons life. Thank you for what you do.
I had the " male version" HOLY YUK! FREEDOM OF THE HEART AND MIND ARE EVERYTHING!
2 sons married to narcissists .... because I never knew what it “was” while raising them with an abusive Father ..... running from it.... afraid for them... no support system. I lived for them, I lived the lies. Yet believe they tried to hard to be the opposite of him. AWARENESS of Female Narcissists.... !
I would like to thank you Dr. Carter. During this pandemic I have watched your video's and they have become very helpful to me in handling my narcissistic boss. These video's have helped me have courage, confidence and hope in handling the toxic environment I am in. I want to live in the Team Healthy group too. Once again Thank you
My narcisist boss was fired for drinking. What a huge relief for all of us! His "m o" was to keep us scared.
@@samwinchester61 One of the rare times the narc gets their comeuppance! Enjoy the freedom!
Such good advice for all of us who are soft, kind -hearted people who allow narcissists to take control of our lives.
I have noticed that people who have strong narcissistic tendencies, learn more traits from other more experienced narcissists . They have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Mr Hyde is to lure you in; Mr Jekyll is to exploit.
Very few people nowadays have our best interests at heart. But take heart, there are so many good, decent people out there still.
Thank you once again Dr.Carter, you take the victim's confusion away over their relationships e.g. (why am I treated so badly when I’ve given so much in terms of finance, physical energy, skills, devotion,etc).
Real Love builds up……love does not destroy.
This is excellent...and I was clueless until I learned about this...😥
It took me 26 years.
Same here
Alice G,You don't need a narc 😈 in your life!!
The power switch has been turned off.
Living life in consistancy and peace. GOALS.
Thank you Dr C. I am learning alot from you.
Yes! Dr. C
I remember being best friends with a narc when I was in school in the 70's.
He would tell me things we both knew weren't true and then ask me in front of his friends whether I believed him.
I once beat him at penalty kicks and had to listen to him saying how lucky I was all the way home.
He once asked me if I believed what was a total lie, and when I said no he attacked me.
He would let me keep company with him until his friends were around, and then he would tell me I wasn't welcome.
He would be perfectly pleasant one minute, and then would bring up arguments on the spur of the moment.
Even when I was 14 I thought he was mentally ill.
Very sick character.
One day I found myself googling “why wont my husband do anything for me?” Tryin to get some ideas as to why I COULDNT figure it out. I kept googling things like that and it led to descriptions of a covert narc...it’s like the people commenting on videos like this live under my roof. The more I investigate narcs the more I see it now and looking back over the last 17 years. It’s just an unbelievable pain. What makes it even worse is how stupid it makes me feel that I didn’t see something so obvious about the person I love with my entire soul. And in a matter of a few months my heart has just been completely broken. It’s an indescribable pain that’s coming at me from every single aspect of my entire relationship with this man. I’m so ready to be happy. The real knife thru the heart is, now that I see this, I see this behavior TWORDS HIS SON.
I left after 16 yrs. Don't blame yourself. Watch these videos and go NO CONTACT. Miracles will follow!!
😢
I totally understand your pain! It took me about 60 years to figure it out: My Mother, "The Human Woodchipper"!!! We all go through that "Narc Hangover". Yes, it IS excruciating. But, You ARE stepping in the right direction. Love Yourself because You ARE worthy, and You ARE deserving of a better life❣
Dr. Carter, you don’t know how much I needed to hear this today. You’ve given me more strength to keep moving forward. I thank God for you & the knowledge you’re imparting to us. Thank you so much.
So pleased! Thanks. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you DR . Carter God bless you🙏
well for me she had power over me during, R, seven-year relationship because I thought she was gonna change, but after being discarded twice, I realized, damn, it hurt, sometimes it still hurts, but I’m doing good, and I’m getting over it, so the bottom line is, we are optimist, and we always try to convince ourselves, hopefully they’re going to change, but 98% of the time, they don’t, I wish everybody nothing but the best out there, we are all in this together
All empaths must stick together. Narcissism is rising in our world to the point of brain scans being done. They dont have as much grey matter where emotions are produced. You know, I have always wondered how all narcs think alike!!! There's not a reference book for them, yet victim's stories are so similar.
Angie Holt exactly, you hit it on the nail with that one
During my 6.5 years relationship with a nar, she discarded me multiple time. She even told me “ I can’t see any bond unless you buy my mum a house”. And after buying her mum a house, I was discarded. Then she asked for a second house, then 8 weeks after buying the second, she discarded me.
5 months the separation, she bought a new house with her now husband.
It was unbelievable how she could make a new partner to buy her house in 5 months
"you don't know what you don't know". Thanks for the validation Dr C! Also "trained incompetence".
I came to channels like this after my experiences with my former friend, however throughout this entire journey, I came to realise that growing up, my sister was also a narcissist, and probably my late mum as well. Trained incompetence is a pretty good term to go with, but what I live with now is the regret for the fact that I allowed these people to have so much power over my life. I know that I didn't know how to handle these situations growing up, but having all these moments circling in my mind, and how I could have dealt with it better, it kinda sucks. And what I know now, compared to then is so valuable, but it's kind of a struggle to get past.
Narcissism is incurable. After 45 years of marriage to a flaming example, I daily explore escape routes. No amount of loving kindness on the victim's participation in this horror will ever end it. At 75 years of age, my advice would be to run--run like hell itself is on your heels. Just run.
Be kind to yourself .. we always seem to forget the one person you can truely forgive and know it is accepted is in forgiving yourself for being in the situation in the first place as an accident of birth we really had no choice in it.
Narcissists are pretty much emotional children of 5. They will carry on this way for their entire lives. I should know, my 92 year old mother is still exactly 5 emotionaly. Yes, I didn't know what I didn't know until about 2 years ago. Since then I have emotionally distance myself from her head games & mostly go grey rock instead of losing my mind, when talking to her on the phone. I refuse to go & see her, sadly I just come up with exceses. If I was honest with her she would never ever understand because she is a narc. "When you know best about everything" Her standard excuses for trying to control me was; 1.- I have lived longer then you & therefor I know way more then you.
2. - I am your mother & love you. 3. - I didn't mean that, you "Don't understand".
But not anymore.
I just wish I didn't waste my life, fighting a losing battle for her accecptance of me as me. If only I knew back in my 20s what I know now, I would have run far & fast out of this country where she couldn't get her claws into me & suck on my soul. I now dream about what my life could have been. Because at 67 with health problems from a lifetime of stress there isn't much I can do now. Except ...(I know it is harsh), to wait til she passes on & I can finally have peace in what is left of my life.
I am not feeling sorry for myself, just being realistic now. I fill my days with reading as well as learning about what is going on in the world to name a few things.
Isca. ..at 67 you are still young. . Manage your health problems and enjoy whatever is left if your life. It is never too late. . Big hug..
Can completely relate! However your new life has just begun. No horrific people around who abuse you for their self serving entertainment. I thank god I never ever have to speak to them again. I’m free!
Riva RichThank you 🙏 buying now:)
Best wishes. Narcs can be deflated or neutralized not cured. I have one in my family who is a control freak, take charge freak and as the good doctor says appoints themselves over everyone.
She almost destroyed the family. It took me 25 years to finally learn what I didn't know and gain the POWER to say NO.
And I told said narc one day when she didnt want me to rent a car while visiting them(I'll take you wherever you need to go)= control; or I "worry about you driving."=I want you in dependency; I said NO! I've been driving since I was 16 am okay and I like my independence. Also I have places to go and things to do on my own. Translation and subtext; if you act a fool, throw a fit, start demeaning or playing mind games, I'm going to throw my shit in my rental car, drive away and check into a nice hotel before I fly out and leave you to your own devices.
That's why I showed you all those cards in my wallet.
I also have financial POWER now and do not need or want anyone's largesse(dependency)
She simply CANNOT believe the person I've become.
For some reason as I write this I'm flashing back on when my transformation began. 26 years ago I saw the movie Now Voyager with Bette Davis. The story of a young woman completely dominated and controlled by her narc mother.
She met the right therapist and transformed into a free, beautiful, capable and talented woman.
Only difference. I am male. I did it.
So can you!!!
Seems like my mom's potrait! Are they -narcissists - all alike? I have covered up for my mom all my life to keep up the image she showed the world, but not anymore. And to make matters worse, I even married a narcissist! After all, I was used to it, just changed the person who dominated and controlled me. Thank God these people didn't make me a bitter person, life is worth living and trying to make the world a better place!
This is one of the most important topics. How long, when it started and what was done when you did not know... when there was no explanation for this.
Wow! I needed to hear that today. I have freed myself from narcissic family and people i thought were friends. It's now lonely. I want you to know how important your words are. You are consistent. I haven't had that before. 💕💕
Yes its lonely and weird but gets better once you get out there and use your new filter to find better relationships with.
Initially lonely...but it gets better. Find beautiful experiences and things you enjoy. And your own friends and activities.
Me too. Recently walked away from family and so many. Yes it's so hard.... Hang in there ❤️ it's gotta get better right 🙏 💞
"The power switch, for them, has been turned off." Amen, Dr. Carter!!!
I think this has to be one of the most important teachings I've ever heard. I wish it were part of the school and even church curriculum. I say that because a parent can't give what they don't have. Maybe the problem would be finding qualified teachers. I'm rambling. I'm going to watch this many more times. What a blessing you are, Dr. C.
Watch his other videos too, very helpful
@@northstar5919 I think I have. They've helped me more than most of the counseling I've had. Thanks.
@@northstar5919 I should have said I've watched all of them, I think.
This really hits home. Oh, how I groveled! How terrible! I gave up my dignity! I will NEVER do that again. My family members to which this applies all live far from me. So, I'm going to commit to not groveling in communications. They've gone silent (again) anyway. Not going to beg or jump through hoops. Thank you, Dr. Carter!
I just discovered this channel a couple of days ago, and boy is this helpful. Especially because psychotherapy is hardly a thing where I am from.
I fully agree- I had to stand up against a family of narcissists at the age of 15. Since then of course. But it holds true that it is overwhelming to stand on your own two feet at that age- but I did that.
Dysfunctional youth, 26 year marriage to a narcissist.
I don’t believe I will ever have the ability to have a “normal relationship with a man”.
Am seeing a therapist, but I seem to have a strong attraction to the narcissistic tendencies of the men I get involved with.
I can relate to what you say.
I don't have an answer but you arenot alone in your experiences. But now you see the patterns, you are truly better equipped. Very best to you
Tania Smith thank you
Read '’Codependent no more’’ by Melody Beattie and keep watching Dr. Carter’s videos.
They don't have power over me any more, I have peace in my life.
I totally see this after being raised by an cover Narc, my Dad….and an overt narc, my Mom! Thanks again for helping us make sense of the crazy! At 63 I’ve spent my life trying to understand our unhealthy family dynamic. You have given me such peace by helping me realize….it wasn’t me! But also that as a result I have my own dysfunctions or challenges to work on. Thank you Dr. C!
Never again those evils will cross my way damn! They are not proper or real human being.confuse you and make you feel like you don’t know what you doing or who you’re!
Dr. Carter, as a professional cellist and pianist, teacher and grandmother of almost 74 years now, I want to let you know how much I appreciate your videos and the way you present these subject because the tone and content of them is VERY helpful. My mother died when I was 3, my father when I was 26 and my sibling when I was 34, and I'd never met a narcissist until a few years ago, and knew NOTHING about this type of personality whatsoever, nor how to exactly deal with it. I've been a confident and capable person ALL MY LIFE, but had no idea on this subject. THANK YOU, Thank You, thank you for your pleasant approach to an unpleasant topic! You have helped me tremendously! And thankfully I was able to walk away from such an individual because of knowledge I did not previously have until I heard your insights! What a SHAME these people never learned how to get along with others. How do you help such people that do WANT to change that ARE narcissistic? It is obvious to me they are a waste of time, at least in MY life at this late stage. I have no idea how to inspire them to WANT to change, so I gave up trying. No love lost either.
Dear Margaret! Thank you for your post six months ago. I can relate so much to you. I am an Opera singer (62 years old, living in Switzerland) and used to be a happy and outgoing person. I also have never ever met such a narcissist person until I met my husband some 18 years ago. I am still working on regaining my inner self back. I am so very glad you did the right choice of leaving your narcissist on time. Well, it looks like that I can‘t change my husband but with counseling videos like this I may overcome my anger better. Wishing you all the best for your freedom in the future. Love, Giulia
All power they got from me. Awareness, understanding, and ownership helped me to overcome psychosomatic traumas. You are a big contributor in my recovery process, thank you deeply much!🙏❤️🤗💞🌞🦅
Tatyana Andrus,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
"Trained competence, fellow sojourners," are the mini-mantras for me this weekend. Thank you!
You knocked it out of the emotional baggage park this time!!!! So many problems stem from exactly this and our lack of skills and training. Love all you do Dr. Wes!!! Thanks for your guidance and enlightenment!💝 your fan in CR
Oh goodness, spot on, no soul or emotion conversations while I was growing up. Just had to be a good girl. I love this session Dr Carter. Keep up the good work educating the world about where not to tread... or if you do then how to back track out of it and get on the right track. Much appreciated. x
THEY'LL NEVER CHANGE..... TAKE CARE OF "YOU", and DISTANCE YOURSELF from THESE LOSERS ❗❗❗🤗❤️
And it is never too late to build up skills to get rid of trained incompetence, right?
Thank you again Dr. Carter!
This was really true. I was set up for being taken advantage of men obsessed with power and control. My mother the whole time I was growing up coached and reminded me to jump when my father said jump so as not to get physically harmed by him too. When he was home as the oldest child I would tip toe around the house along with my mom and brothers when he was home to keep the peace often at all costs. Like for awhile when he was often walking around our house wearing a gun while always wanting to go spend time at the gun range instead. It almost seemed normal to me because from the time I was an infant that was the home I was growing up in. I got so good at it that my mom as soon as I became a preteen gave me the role of often asking my father for money to buy necessities for myself so she wouldn't have to. Which didn't always result in enough. And so during some years I was cold in the winter and I at times got mocked at school by other students only for wearing shoes with holes in the soles and for having a father waiting in the union hall for another union backed tradesperson job. Pride through the status of superficial things has never worked for me. Never giving up on goodness, responsibility and keeping my boundaries maintained for me to be living in self-respect, decency and fairness. Now as an adult not living with a criminal anymore [both ex-husbands of mine have after I left them later did give up doing domestic violence and doing other kinds of crime like being in a road rage] -- I can plan and carry out that list to my fullest potential for the benefit of others too although I am over age 60 now. I am better off alone than trying to make someone else see that being honorable to people of any age, gender and income is far more important than being in control of the future concerning money and material things. The hierarchy helps people victimized by the narcissist and the hierarchy often breaks down for the same reason after the odd one finally rises to the top for a season.
I can't wait to hear this one like I have to check the site everyday just to stay sane
Remember your kindness is not a sign of weakness.. Believe it!
This is my number 1 video from you!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!
Pleased!! Dr. C
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It has taken me 16 yrs to find the strength to break away, but, "YES", with your videos and a little counselling whilst breaking away, I have almost found the person I was before this disastrous episode of my life. Have faith in who you are my friends, when the time is right, you will find your way again.
Thank you so much for this. I have found so much wisdom and knowledge and strength in your videos to let my narcissistic boyfriend go. He has hovered me twice and no matter the love bombing or promises - I realize he is who he is and will never change. You speak from such a great level of help - I have been able to overcome this time and time again thank you to you. Your videos always bring me back to a level of grounding and centeredness to see through the falsehoods. Thank you 🙏 ❣️
That makes sense ... Back when I was growing up we wasn't allowed to talk about our feelings it was don't speak unless you're spoken too ..
My competence (which needs more training) wavers under the scathing assault of the narc telling me I have no rights, no business thinking, and yet must do all on my own so he can critique.
Dr. C thanks for what you do to help others. After almost 58 years surrounded by these people I am a better man and will keep on working on me.
I can only help me.
It truly is all about being a better me, I can't help them.
Now and for the last 4 years, my husband of 55 yrs. And I are still under the same roof, but per my decision, have moved from a RELATIONSHIP, to an ARRANGEMENT. Totally emotionally DIVORCED from him ,but try to remain decent, respectful, and civil. Although he doesn't seem to be the same . JUST TRYING TO GET BACK TO WHO I AM, if I can even remember! Thankyou again Dr. C.
How I wished I’d heard this many years ago. This should be really taught in Schools. Thank you for this video. May Peace be with you all who suffer, or have suffered from a Narcissist . 🙏🏻
Thank you for your helpful information. I was married to a Narcisse 38 yesrs! And now I have a new happy healthy life☺
At 65 years of age, the penny is beginning to drop. I too was born into a narcissistic family dynamic. It is what for some time was a reference point, a form of normalcy that I did not fit into. The competency as well as recognising the ‘law of attraction’ towards the intrigues of narcissism have opened me up to recognise my maladaptive behaviours. This video and many others have got me to this special new place. Thank you.
There is a lot more information available since the advent of the internet and channels like this one. I have read so many self-help books over the years and NONE taught this. The first time I heard the term "passive aggression" I knew the thing had a name. I seriously searched but the information was mighty thin for the non-professional. The internet has broken down a lot of walls.
Thank you so very much Dr. Carter for giving so much of your time and energy to help all of us that have been so badly hurt find direction understanding support. You are a blessing!!
I didn't know what I didn't know.
Phew😌
I think the biggest thing the narcissist who finally opened my eyes, did for me, is that he made me see the parts of me, that drew him, to me. I was blind. I thought I was nice, but I wasn't, I was just passive. I thought I was tolerant, but I wasn't, I just didn't voice my opinions out loud. He really opened my eyes.
Self-esteem is key. People can't control you if they can't make you chase validation.
Be assured Dr C, you are helping me change my life in positive and at times scary and challenging ways. Facing truths and becoming confident and peaceful in all is an excellent path to pursue. Thank you for having faith in me. I’m so glad that you do - 😊🙏❤️. Me too.
Received with gratitude! Dr. C
I haven't even watched the video yet but judging by the title I would have to say it lys between 2 things. .
Money and Fear. ..
Most people that are abused by narcissists have been manipulated into not having any money or having their money controlled by them. .
And as we all know it does take money to live an independent life. .it takes money to even get a new start in life and it's not always that simple or easy.
And because of this fear sets in. ..not only do you fear the narcissist and all the abuse they have dished out on you day after day, but you put the fear of no money on top of this and it's beyond crippling ! I don't care what anybody says. .if you had enough money to make it on your own, you would run for it. ..when I was young, very young I got married to a total toxic pycho narc , but of course I didn't know till about 2 yrs in..I had a child. .I was not allowed to work. ..I was not allowed to go to college. .I was not allowed anything that would make me not dependent on him. ..I could have went back home but I had left there because of narc abuse and sexual abuse so that was out of the question. ..his abuse became more and more powerful. ..not only from him but also his family. .I was watched day and night to make sure I didn't leave.
I had 2 more children, lots more abuse and absolutely no money. ..for 30 yrs all I thought about was if only I had some money to start over. ..we didn't even own the shack we lived in. .his parents did. ..so divorce wouldn't have given me anything either. ..so I know about 2 things. ..fear and lack of money. .those 2 things I know well. ..
Hey baggerchic, you are not the only one. Money is a big concern especially now with covid as a threat to business. My heart hurts thinking about men and women who are suffering from emotional and narc abuse and have no say and no where to turn.
I KNEW I wasn’t incompetent… I just didn’t know what I didn’t know!
That’s a GREAT start on self confidence 🤔☺️
It's a life long process. I'm so excited to have started my journey even at 62.
You are so right!
Thank you so much for your incredible insight and advice. You totally understand what it's like dealing with truly evil manipulating deceitful people and sadly they are typically in positions of power. You give us tools to exist and be strong despite this ugly presence. Your help is life affirming and life saving. There is a way out into the sunshine, it's there, you just have to detach your mind heart and spirit from these abusers and learn to walk on your own. Thank you♡
Thanks, Nicole! Dr. C
Dr Carter, thank you, thank you! These videos are helping me Tremendously as an adult child of a narcissist mother, and ex husband. Successful on the outside, I always felt something was wrong with me because I was never " good enough ". The anxiety, anger and depression are leaving and peace is entering my heart because I'm gaining vital insight and wisdom that is healing life long wounds!
thank you again and again from Germany. You can't imagine how helpfull your advice is. In Germany we don't have channels like yours.
It is a broken world full of broken people. The key is to become as fixed of a person, people, and community as best as possible so that way we do not fall into those broken communities and become apart of this broken world full of those broken people.
I didn't know what a narcissist was until about 10 months ago.
I'm 52 and my eyes have been opened.
I always assumed people wanted to work together to build a joint partnership.
I probably put them on a pedestal because I wanted that from them too.
Much to my cost.