4 Ongoing Tensions After A Narcissist Has Torn You Down
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ต.ค. 2024
- Once you create distance between yourself and a narcissist, the painful repercussions of that relationship can continue. After listening to many people, Dr. Les Carter has identified four of the most common strains that linger, then he discusses how you are not without hope. The more you understand what has happened, the more capable you are of moving forward.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I think the worst for me was not knowing who to now trust. It took me time to back away from flying monkey information gatherers.
You so get it, Aaron.
That was one of the hardest parts. So I just unfriended everyone😅. It made life simpler 😅
@@mostHigh23 Simple, but empty. Grace to you.
Trust is not owed to anyone until they have earned it over time. But it is always okay to be civil with people.
@@mostHigh23Sometimes you just need to start over with a clean slate.
I tell people on Reddit, "Think of leaving him as getting a tumor removed. It will hurt for a while, but you won't have that tumor anymore."
So true
For me isolation and marginalization from family ...the vestiges of cruel behaviors that radically changed life. Life after narcissistic abuse should be filled with joyful times. We fester, we ruminate. We feel wilted.
Just worn out, like a wrung out washcloth
Yes! It's anguish. After winning about a thousand battles with hopelessness, you'll see that while you felt you were falling apart, strength was quietly building.
@@sage9836I'm not there yet, unfortunately.
Yes. I feel like a tortured pot plant that is on its last legs...
BUT if one was a native plant in the bush, devastated by a covert narcissistic wildfire lasting years, burning 🔥 everything, then all that one needs is some time + water + sunlight + some decent people around (I've had to make friends with online/fictional people in books)
The wildfire actually triggers the germination of new plants!!!
So one could be SCORCHED
BURNED and perhaps this is a blessing. Let us germinate again. Healthier, stronger and wiser!!!
@@MOLLYversion7.0 Poem!
After being raised by a narcissist and married to several, I am living in a senior apartment building now where I have been blessed with a best friend who is a retired therapist. WOW! Just WOW!
Pleased for you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you.
The narcissist turns your life-memories into a pile of jigsaw puzzle pieces ~ which won't complete *A Picture* ~ because, half are missing.
Exactly
...and the pieces you got do not even fit together!!!
Many of the puzzle pieces belong to the narcissist's life story. You can discard those pieces and then fill in the missing pieces with your own life story of healing.
@@danielkaiser8971 Good advice, Daniel. Thank you.
Destructive Criticism
resulting tensions
1) loneliness/ostracizing self
2) feeling out of control/managed
3) fear to express yourself
4) risidual dissillusion/anger
All of THIS!
Thanks for sharing these notes, Teresa ❤
@@roxymovie3938 Easier to remember the toll.
Yes, ALL of that 🫂❤️
Thank you for the list!
After 39 years with him, I have a very hard time. He was very subtle until I figured him out, then the demon came out. He is terrifying. I left him 3 months ago. He's already got new supply in our house. I'm at the despise phase, he makes me physically sick.
I’m a couple of years down the that road. Keep going.! You have no idea what a wonderful life it is out there! At age 69 , I now know for the first time what people mean by loving yourself. And my faith in God has really grown. I’ll be praying for you❤
Experiencing narcissistic abuse reminds me of surviving a terror attack. We have a life before experiencing and learning about narcissism and a life after experiencing narcissistic abuse. The trauma is substantial and hard to shake and a lot of the negative behavior of a narcissist lingers in our mind even after separation from the narcissist.....a lot like PTSD caused by a terrorist and the terrorist's attack.....no closure....no justice....just wounds and harm.
Three years later, I still don't talk to anyone he isolated me from... which was everyone.
It's so complex when the narcissism is multigenerational & you experience it as a child!
And often we draw relationships with more narcissistic individuals. It took seven relationships to realize I was draw to a type called narcissist. And they were drawn to my codependency and empathy. Not willing to enter a relationship at this end of life.
@@lilianfowler7988Yes, so true, however I'm starting to identify my codependent responses to others so I'm working to find healthier responses. In the meantime, no romantic relationships for me!!!
Every wound requires time to heal, being on team healthy this is possible sooner than later!
That sounds empowering 💪
Agreed 👍
Awesome!
Yes! I worked with a HUGE Whale of a bully: big& creepy constant 'giggle! Floor Nazi!!
Even after the relationship has ended there is a big black cloud of threat hanging over. They are like dogs with bones. They never let go! Unless we break the 'hoovering' cycle!!!
Strong pictures you have drawn, Amanda. My suggestion: if Narcs are like dogs and snare at you to want to bite into your legs, throw tasty bones far away from your direction. Then they have a double fun by doing sports and feeding themselves far away from you. 🙃
Take care as much as you can 🙏💕
@@roxymovie3938 Grear advice hun 👍
You take care too. I hope you are keeping well 🙏💕
Absolutely. The cycle can be a challenge to break. The breadcrumbs feel like “love”. I hear you ❤
@@roxymovie3938Roxy 🤗 Yes!
@@tbunnyshy1 🙏❤️
How do I explain this ! I have been saying this for years! Nobody believes me! I have thought about recording phone calls with my narcissistic sister. Instead I walked away. Thank You ! For giving me a piece of the puzzle. Wow!
Glad it resonated!!
Yes, they gaslight you into thinking you are crazy. Take care 🙏
I have recorded my narc mom and played it for people lots of times. I also play them back to myself when I start the self gaslighting "it isn't really that bad..." talk. It has helped TREMENDOUSLY and I definitely recommend it to anyone struggling in these types of relationships, provided it is legal in your area, of course. I'm glad you were able to get away!!!
Oh, you're right, they don't believe you. And I needed to call my sister-in-law to address something inappropriate that she said about me to our son, so I decided to put the call on speaker phone because I wanted my husband to hear every word coming from me AND from her. Sure as rain she became irrational & hateful, and my husband heard the whole thing. This time he believed me. Funny thing is, I told her that this call is on speaker so she knew he was listening. Wow. It was right after that phone call that he mailed his sister a note and told her that he loved her, but that we're going no contact with her, for now. Him standing up for me and protecting me from her that felt like justice. Finally.
Record every word! My narc husband is terrified I can expose him so he deleted everything but I saved them to show my doctor... Protect yourself!
Someone we know is hospitalized due to a parent who is imo narcissistic. Please, if you believe in the power of prayer, this individual needs to come back mentally to themselves. This person never deserved this. They are a beautiful person and tried everything to please their parent.
+1 prayer from here incoming now
🙏🙏🙏🙏
Prayers for their healing and prayers for their deliverance from the narcissist 🙏
Yes, the covert, malignant, sociopathic narcissist that I know said those exact words to me one day while being in a fit of rage. He said, "My goal is to tear you down!" And the hatred was so evident on his face that I responded with "You hate me! I can see it on your face!" To which the narcissist's face then changed to a deer-caught-in-headlights look! The mask had fallen, and his true colours were revealed!
Same here narc husband saying everybody hates you in my family .. I said it’s you that hates me .. he looked shocked oh no I love you . While he lets his cult family tear me down .
I understand. My narcissistic malignant sociopath said to me that he wanted to beat me down to his level. When he was allowing his mask to slip, it was terrifying to see who he had been hiding for 40 years. I never saw it coming. It has also been a struggle to heal from. I appreciate these podcasts because I'm learning a lot from Dr. Carter and I appreciate the support group that we have. It's a relief to not feel alone as we travel this path towards healing. My therapist said I wouldn't ever be the same person I was but I shouldn't want to be. She is right. Between what I'm learning from Dr. Carter and my support from an excellent therapist, I feel myself transitioning into a stronger more whole version of myself.
@user-yj7xw8on2t Sorry, I am just seeing your response now. Good for you on getting that healing that is so needed! And no, you will not be the person you were, but you will definitely be stronger and wiser for having had to deal with one of these subhumans. And I know that you were a strong person to start out with because that is the kind of person narcissists 'target', so now you are even stronger! Good for you! I am currently doing the same! It is quite the 'journey'?! Be well and stay safe...🙏💝
They forced us children into specific roles in our family. As the scapegoat I'm not willing to play my role anymore, but now I have to forgo my relationship with my dad (the enabler) and my sister ( the mimic/enabler) because they won't acknowledge my mum's toxic behaviour and it's consequences. They let her remain on control. So all of us suffer for her internal suffering instead of her getting help. 😢
Time to nitice that’s what happened.
Time to unfreeze.
Time to process it.
And process the mistakes that were just repeating our acting-out patterns.
Time to lower our reactivity or long-delayed anger.
Time to forgive ourselves for falling for it all again.
And then time for similar conditions to happen again and see how much sooner we respond with healthy responses.
Tension is who you think you should be.
Relaxation is who you are.
(Chinese Proverb)
Thank you for sharing the Chinese Proverb, Roxy. I haven't heard that one before, and it is very helpful!
@@danielkaiser8971 You are welcome, Daniel. And thanks to you. I really like proverbs for with few words they can tell so much truth. This one I found yesterday and I also had never heard of it before. And it's very good to remember, isn't it?
I love that! 🤗❤️🙏
I love the simplicity. I'm affirming this.
Tension is who I thought I should be.
Relaxation is who I am. Gus embodies this proverb 😅
@@tbunnyshy1 Glad, that you love it, Bunny 🤗❤🙏 ... And Happy Birthday to YOU 🥰 shy 🐇 🌿❣ 🍀🌹🌹🌹🍀
Stay off Facebook is my advice to my shattered sense of self.
Agreed. You said it far more politely than I do. Facebook enables all kinds of toxic behaviors.
I spent the majority of my life trying to prove I was worthy - and the whole time I was unaware that it was they who needed to prove their worth to be in my life. things are different now - if you wanna run with me you gotta level up or stay home. I have found that most people dont want to level up and still judge me by what they see at a casual glance. and I dont care anymore. when I began this journey I learned where the block button is and began to use it in earnest. most people out there dont want to build anyone else up or find like minded folks - its a harder, different world out there now. I find I dont wanna make a hole for myself to live in it - I prefer to be separate.
Amen! Better to be alone and lonely than be around sick, bloodsucking vampires hellbent on tearing us down and THAT kind of loneliness. Yes, it’s a different world out there now. People are closed off and suspicious and divided. Hard to break through that wall and make a new “family of choice” and new friends. It’s lonely. But we have CHOSEN to be alone over being targeted and abused. Hooray for us!!
@@ZeeJayEssJay ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥 I wish choosing to be alone would stop the targeting. they actively seek me out in my quiet spots now. I have no friends where I live & have been told I need to move from anonymous sources online. the world is weak and I am strong. getting stronger.
“They don’t bring the final word”
Thank you 😊
The narcissist does not have the final word.... this brought me to tears.
You're drained at every level. By the time you realize what happened, you have to do so much damage control from being around narcissistic/toxic people. I realize there is still HOPE.
Beyond every tension lies anxiety and fear.
Beyond anxiety and fear lies shame.
Beyond shame lies your freedom.
The Narcissist's "task" is to shame you.The result of shaming you is raising you into anxiety and fear, which is the opposite of love.
The Narcissist is not able to love and he is highly dependent on you, which is the antipode of freedom.
Well put 👏🙏💕
@@amandaliverpool3374Thank you, Amanda 🤗💕
😊
You beautifully put words my anxious heart couldn’t!
Thank you, and God bless you!
@@denicehaley9902 Thank you, Denice. This really means a lot to me ❤
Blessings for you as well 🙏💛🙏
So much of what Dr. C mentioned I've experienced, and I'm still experiencing ...
My story involves being ostracized by my in-laws for over 35 years, and the trauma that has caused my mental health. Even things that were said 34 years ago by my cruel sister-in-law still haunt me. Words can cut like a knife and leave a wound. I've forgiven her, but I don't trust her at all. She hurt me and never apologized, and she still treats me like I'm a worm. But last year I went no contact with her. Jealous people are impossible to have a relationship with. Best to stay away from jealous, narcissistic people. Because she's *family* I just put up with her cold & cruel behavior. But last year I learned that I don't have to accept this kind of treatment, so I've been setting boundaries with my in-laws and they don't like it, but I love it! I love it because I no longer feel obligated to put up with the abuse from my in-laws. I can be free from all of that. Thankfully, I have my husband's support. He's a keeper. Staying strong and moving forward! :)
Your lucky my Narcissistic husband sided with his malignant father and covert mother and narcissistic brothers his whole family are horrible people.
same here....covert passive agressive and grandiose narc sil put up with her selfish drama and bully mil supports and likes that kind of personality. We ve always watch boudaries and mind our business. Will no longer tolerate confusion from narc sil and her flying monkeys husband and mil.
@@SaddleRockManitou Thank you ... and so true, they probably don't know what to make of the new me lol 😀since the ole way of doing things is *no more*
We're rocking in the same boat. The only difference is that I have six narcissistic sister-in-laws. I got all of their numbers blocked.
@@naomispencer4048 Oh good job, and I feel your struggle! I had 5 sisters-in-law as one passed away last year, so I'm left with four SIL's. My husband is the *only* son. My sisters-in-law can be very possessive & demanding of their only Bro's time and attention like he's their property. They smother him and he's exhausted by it. And I'm tired of the constant intrusions.
What happens if you literally have no one? The few around are distant and stay within their own four walls, and don’t extend themselves beyond that. Not easy reconstructing 42 yrs.
@elcee7800 100% true! That’s what I’m dealing with. The narcissist liars were successful with their widespread smear campaign against me. Everyone fell for the KNOWN lies anyway to protect themselves from the KNOWN abuser narcissists. So I am starting life over with my husband and NO ONE ELSE. People don’t seem to want to make new friends in older age/retirement. They seem to be set in their own fixed groups. How to start over, Dr C???! Loneliness and isolation is a punishment I don’t deserve. And the malignant narcissists have had no punishment or consequences. They put on their masks as usual and keep all the friends and family they ostracized you from. Lots of support and large social circle of enablers.
I have been there a lot. This is why I recommend a pet. But don’t give up; I started by becoming my own best friend. We are all really ultimately alone in this world. But if we could only open ourselves up and see how connected we are at the same time...
I am 44 and am in the same boat. I'm hypervigilant and not sure who I can trust anymore. I feel less alone here watching Dr c and others on TH-cam. Night time is long long. Thank you for sharing your thoughts
I'm 65 and met them all my life , I chose my own company, the last person was only a month ago she was awful for 10 months as a " friend" supposedly 😏
@@melisherwood5300: Thank you; yes, have always had pets thank God. But no kids. You really aren’t ultimately alone if you have offspring - your legacy, your only hope.
I seem to be getting better as I process 25 years of abuse by understanding what was actually happening. My only struggle is knowing he brought hpv home from one of his side supplies, and I ended up with cervical cancer. At the time I thought how is this even possible. The fight for my life was awful. Internal/external raidstion and chemo which has now affected my heart. I had rheumatoid arthritis since age 13 and now all I can do is see how much damage he has caused my physical and emotional. I know I will work through this but this has been by far my biggest challenge in this life. Accountability will meet with him one day.
God be with you, I hope u have happier times ahead of u and good things to enjoy
@@neilmurphy966 Thank you. I will always do my best ❤️
Mine brought home genital herpes and refused to take accountability for it. He even accused me of giving it to him. I'm disabled, always home with the kids and pets, and rarely leave our home. It was so infuriating! I don't see myself ever forgiving him or trusting him again.
I am sorry that he did this to you. I think there is a lot of compassion out there for the mistreatment we have all suffered. Let the compassion of others, of yourself, of God or the universe, whatever you believe in, heal you.
i was blamed for giving my ex his hiv when he got it before he ever met me - funny how I dont have it... not for his lack of lying and tryin.
All their complaints against me sound like regular life. Blaming me for hard work, responsibilities, struggles.
WORD FOR WORD, I HEARD THIS: "You need to stop fighting and being defiant, and just do what I say."
EVERY SINGLE DAY!
Those are words of a nut job.
Wow! WHY? Who died and made them boss?
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes! 😂
That cracked me up. But there really are no other words for his lunacy. And that was probably the sanest thing he ever said, too!
@@cassandraandrews6656 right?? According to him, he was the man, the leader. Therefore, I could never argue or resist. I had to just go along with everything he ever said or wanted, no matter what. "Whether right or wrong." His EXACT words. These people are delusional!
Same. "Why can't you just shut up and take it!" "It" being his false accusations and criticisms. I'm sorry you've had to go through that, too, but hope you're free and stronger now than ever!
Never in my life have I met a more damaging human being. And I dealt with a few bosses. Had I not found these videos, I would have drifted thinking I dreamt of the whole ordeal.
Your videos are like honey, sweet, beneficial and healing. You manage to verbalise things that are sitting there but I havent been able to put a shape to. Thank you for all your efforts to educate me and this world wide community as you take us step by step to clarity and.....freedom. Always appreciative Dr C. ⚘
What a lovely metaphor! Thank you for your poetic insight.
Being married to a narc has brought so much pain and heartbreak... He pretends to be the Holy Cross man from New Orleans but all along he has been a malignant narcissist…Dr. C is my life saver!
So true.
I agree. I feel held, valued and seen when he speaks. So grateful for these videos. They are the reason I’m surviving my current experience.
Oh Yes Dr.C.!!!
The X Mother in law actually admitted to trying to tear me down for 45 yrs. That got a Big Wow!! So much of her life wasted .....and nothing she did ever worked. Can't say it didn't hurt...it did! But I never let her defeat me. Have moved on since the husband died and doing well now.. It took time to get past the anger and hurt. But Granny use to tell me "What don't kill you, makes you stronger. Thanks Dr. C.!!
Hugs for Guss!!!
Thank you again. I didnt think I would need your soothing voice for this long...
Healing is a slow journey and thank you for spreading such loving, kind and simple messages.
I still need this ❤
Stay patient with yourself, and in the meantime, I'm glad to be on the path with you.
It’s lifelong recovery ❤️🩹
@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you Dr C. 🩷 You do wonderful work 🩷
@@caroleminke6116 💖
Bingo! I’m all of the above. I’ve said many times that “I couldn’t win a million dollars right”.
Thanks Dr. C. I love your teachings ! My late husband was a Dr. of Psychology. Very gifted therapist ; people in the recovery community would say “ If you don’t want to get sober and healthy don’t go see Dr. Reagan. He could cut through defences to the core issues. And it was so rewarding to see patients get well and thrive . I miss him , but so glad I can listen and learn from you. I’m healing from Christian narrisstic abuse. It’s so good to begin to realize I was not the problem. I did not react with like mean abuse. I acted in love , forgiveness and kindness . They’re sick people . Most importantly , I never lost faith in God and Jesus, my lord and savior. God bless you and yours
Thanks for these kind comments. Glad your husband had been a voice of reason. BTW, if you haven't already seen it, look up the video, How Religious Narcissists Will Gaslight You. Best wishes to you.
This hits home for me. You have been programmed and beat down which impacts your emotional state in other parts of life. Through this station and others, I’ve learned that getting away from them is mandatory. When you’re getting grenades thrown at you during every interaction, you can’t heal. Healing is painful and you will continue to struggle, but slowly regain yourself. Realize that you are the healthier person, you have been a host for their dysfunction. It sucks, because your probably an empathetic person who wants to collaborate and have a harmonious relationship, especially if children are involved. They will not accept your offer, and your kids will one day see their selfishness. Get away, just think how much it sucks to be them. Thank you Dr Carter!
Distancing myself was the best (yet hardest) thing I ever did because it went against everything I stand for, but they will likely never see what they did as wrong and will continue to say I am "too sensitive." I married into this situation and didn't realize how bad it was until I got the distance. I honestly feel bad that they think they are so much better than me, but in reality, they have been jealous ever since I entered the picture. I can now recognize the dysfunction and stay away from it. I do feel for the kids (my spouse being one of those) who get caught in the cross fire and feel that these are "normal" behaviors. I am grateful for Dr. C. and others like him who are shedding light on these behaviors and show ways to deal with them.
Yes! Even during the best time in my narcissistic marriage, the sense of loneliness was so overwhelming, to the point I felt pain and heaviness in my abdomen. I feel a lot better and physically healthier after we separated.
I'm really struggling tonight with the constant feeling of sadness and crying inside. Hope it will be safe to be vulnerable here. What Dr. C says here describes it all exactly. Things are in general a lot better now but then nights like tonight happen again. Deep down I know all the struggles are because of all the people who have tried to control me in the past. All of my family have passed away now so that's probably part of the struggle too, not having anyone to talk to. My mum once said to me that she remembered a lot of times she hasn't treated me very well so it could all go back as far as that. Hope I don't burden anyone with going this heavy. I just can't do everything by myself sometimes. Thanks Dr C for your videos!
You are safe here. You are not alone anymore. Just wish I could reach out to you and give you a hug ❤
Douglas, I am very sorry to hear that all of your family has already passed away. Of course, you are welcome to share your feelings here on Team Healthy, where we support each other and where you are allowed to be vulnerable. Your feelings of sadness of letting go of your familymembers and your grief of a history of abuse are very understandable. Lots of us are going or have gone through similar experiences. You mentioned that you do not hope to be a burden to anybody. This is somehow a typical mindset of having been abused. I myself have been thinking nearly all my life being just a burden to nearly everyone. That thinking of not being lovable created a deep inner sadness into me although I know it is not true at all. I understand your struggles. You do not have to do everything on your own. Cry if you need to cry. Let your tears run for it might help you to let go of your suppressed emotions being around controlling people in your life.
Best wishes to you 🙏💛🙏
Two Toxic Bossy Narc's at my Old Job! I do not miss Them Two
Thank you for sharing dear friend ... it's safe here and you are courageous for sharing :)
We are all sending positive wishes your way! Those dips into sadness happen for me, too, but as healing progresses they don't happen as often & are shorter in duration, I've found. Keep on growing...
When I needed to talk with a deceased relative, I put an empty chair in front of me & pretended they were there. It helped.
I never asked myself if I was going to ever measure up to his impossible criteria. I started to realize something is seriously wrong with him. Now I know.
I am walking with a psychological limp now! 😂 But I'm not complaining. It's all good as long as I am on the path to recovery!
Çool!
When I was 1 year old my parents gave me a birthday party. I remember it because they lit the candle and it was the first time I had seen fire. I thought it was amazing and tried to grab it which burned my hand. After that I had tensions around fire because I knew what it was. In the same way I now have tensions around people because I know what a narcissist is.
Thank you for sharing this memory of yours! I could see it like a film in my head. Very sad story and at the same time a good analogy.
I hear you, Dr Carter, right down to my core. Thank you so much for your consistent encouragement, enlightenment, and sincere care!
I just want to say thank you!!! I am finally out after 15 yrs! It’s hard but He is out my life!! The stress and pain was so overwhelming but I had to let go!!!!He just left the family because I know who he really was after all this time!!!
Thats what they do with their nose turned up. Makes me sick when I picture the look!
Fantastic, Dr C. My narcissist is 30 years banished from my life. I only c them at family funerals. And I was disappointed to find no real improvement when briefly they were alone with me at family funeral of 2 years ago.. Still tried dominating tacticslike they were the Boss. Didn't work. This narcissist could see that. I was one who did eulogy at funeral. She stared shocked from where she sat in congregation. I was told after I did beautiful eulogy for older relative whose funeral it was. I was representing me too, and my heartfelt eulogy was celebrating the love and support this relative gave to her family in her life journey. 🤓
repeated invalidation is classic of a narc family member of mine i know quite a bit about the disorder atleast i think it all boils down to control
I’m so grateful that I’m already deeply involved in a 12 step program. I’ve made an “out loud” promise to myself and others, not to go through my experience alone. I’m an isolator by nature. Part of the reason I’ve been unable to leave this relationship. He finally discarded me and gave me permission to give up. I’m making sure I talk out loud to a very few close friends and not sit around and feel frozen.
You reap what you sow
Thank you for this! Right on time for my situation. I have to remind myself that I am not the person my narcissist tells me I am. I have to let his verbal abuse go into the background noise of my life like a foghorn in the distance.
I wish I knew just how much of myself will still there when I’m finally done with the narcissists in my life.
I had a good day today, I took my sister to the Dr. I went to a thrift store. Than came home and just hid in my bedroom. But it was the most normal day out I’ve had, well I can’t remember when. So I’m going to keep focusing on calm, normal, pleasant, happy, while I am away from the house. One step at a time. I felt almost normal today. It’s really finally becoming clear to me, I can’t help him. He’s a mean hollow man/ child
I know I can’t do this anymore. I’m starting counseling next week. I am fairly certain I have PTSD. I need help and I’m going to get it.
Now that I KNOW that my mother is a covert narcissist, and I'm able to look back and see how she has mistreated me and told lies and exaggerations to get me in trouble, yes, even now today she does this. I find I am filled with resentment. Now she's 85 years old and about seven years into dementia. She's even worse now than before dementia. I understand that she had her own issues, probably from her own childhood, and I try to take this into consideration, but at times I get mad enough to spit. I never deserved her treatment of me and I don't deserve it now. I've been absolutely patient and kind, but I find I bite my tongue all the time to keep her happy. I guess the only thing to do is accept it for what it is, she secretly hates me and I can't change that. I'm her caregiver and there is no other option, I'm stuck. I'm just trying to take the high road and be true to myself, my feelings of compassion for her left a long time ago. Also, no one who knows her realizes the dynamic between us, and everybody thinks she is the sweetest little old lady in the world. ACK!
I hear you! Same here. My mother is a Narc and she has dementia as well. She nearly lost everything because of all her lies and secrets. I helped her as much as I could. She now gets help from the government. I got into no contact about a year ago because her aggressiveness was getting worse and worse. Nearly all her friends abondoned her because her true colours were come shining through more and more. It's sad and in the beginning I felt guilty to go no contact but she said things to me that were not bearable anymore. I needed to protect myself after all the decades of feeding me with her accusations, triangulations etc. Like what you are experiencing everybody just saw the nice picture of her. It's crazymaking and hurting a lot. I understand your feelings of resentment for ongoing hurt and nobody understanding you. You said there is no other option, really?
Wishing you all the best and hoping that you will find support to change this situation you are stuck in 🙏💛🙏
I have been there.😢 It is a horrific place to be...caring for someone who doesn't like you; little long, who hates you.
Google a writing social media site. I can't give you the name because YT will delete this comment. It's a place to ask questions and even rant.
You just have to "Radical Acceptance," which is easier said than done.
My heart just breaks for you because I know that "I'm Stuck" feels like.
My mother was a Covert as well & I was her caregiver...and it only gets worst, unfortunately. Stay strong and do whatever you have to to take care of yourself.
My heart goes out to you. There are memory care facilities for folks with dementia. Nobody deserves to be abused and you are not obligated to accept her abuse. My MIL will need to go to long term care facility if she ever gets unable to care for herself as I refuse to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse.
@@JamieWhitaker-l7b Totally agree with all you are saying. Nobody deserves to be abused!!!
Unfortunately I spent most of life with men who treat me exactly this way and it took me until my late fourties’ to say enough.
Emotional Enslavement
I just learned that some crooked lawyers in the US actually advise their clients to accuse a non-abusive spouse of abuse, to increase their support payments and level of custody. Known as a silver bullet divorce.
"The Silver Bullet is when a parent or child makes false allegations of abuse about the other parent. These parents know that as long as they “claim” the other parent is abusing the children, the courts will suspend custody or visitation with the other parent until the claims have been investigated. They also know that the public will pay for the investigations and even if the accusations are unsubstantiated, just the accusation had caused skepticism about the other parent."
The National Alliance for Targetted Parents
After a rude comment, I literally told my sister one day, we’re family we’re supposed to build each other up, not tear each other down. I heard you say that exact phrase. Confirms I don’t need to talk to my sister ever again unfortunately. She’s a vile unhappy person.
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. I've been in lock down for many, many years. You are so right we can continue to be who we are. I did not know this to began with but learned so much from your videos Dr. Carter that I started to realize lots that I did not think about before. Thank you so much for all of the hellp you have given to us and we appreciate you os very much.
Thanks, Alice!
Thank you Dr Carter ❤️🙏
You're most welcome!
Yes… starting fresh in a new church and struggling with some fear over what to say if people ask me about my husband… we still live together (41 years), but I’ve recently recognized the need to release him and my hopes and expectations for a real marriage, and I’ve left our church of 35 years (which also is under narcissistic leadership) to begin anew.
I told my husband I don’t believe that way and quit trying to manipulate me into doing what you feel is right and then that started cause an argument and then a silent treatment and then texting me at work telling me if I’m such an manipulative person then leave me and I told him if I wanted to leave you I would of done it 40 years ago
Kudos, Dr. Carter. One of your best ones yet! Don't expect total healing. This is liberating because the vestiges are always there but the scars do fade.
I really needed this video today. Thank you. This was extremely helpful. I am so thankful for your advice. It's really helping me through rough episodes.
Thank you so very much, Dr. Carter, for your insights. Your words and explaination are just medicine for the wounded souls. By drawing the picture of those narcisists you uncover the truth about their demonic and destructive power and help people recognize who they really are. Thank you so much
Thanks Dr. C for sharing your wisdom! And Gus is cute as ever! 😊
Thanks!
This man is wise, insightful, an exemplar.
(More superficially, that shade of blue of his blouse is most beautiful on him, himmel.)
Thanks, Dr Carter. This whole narc circus is simply exhausting right down to the soul. After 40 years with a narc spouse, right out of high school, can really identify with Wile E. Coyote on the old Looneytunes 🌵Roadrunner cartoons 😂. At least he never gives up.
You are very welcome. When I was a kid, I wondered why Wile E. Coyote kept after the roadrunner. He always got the same knot on top of his head in every episode!
That’s why RoadRunner, beep beep, was my favorite. 😂
Today i heard something about break ups and that fits the narcs relationschip aswell , you don't mourn the person you mourn what should have been your life ,you can not go from that experience to being happy ,you need to mourn to get to the next stage ,there going to be bad bad days befor it gets better , i only been out for a couple of weeks and one day is better than the next ,i try to remind myself i need time to heal and it is ok to take that time .
I had a lot of anger which was so foreign to me. It was coming out inappropriately for a while. That scared me. I'm so glad to be past that.
Wow..... This was for me today at this VERY moment!!!!!!! I just had this conversation with him 10 minutes ago!!!!
If I ever had any doubt that I was victimised by narcissists, this video puts those doubts to rest. Bless you and thank you (again). You keep me strong. Hugs to Gus and the family xxx
I talk about what happened in my past to some people I think I can trust. Then I am not sure they don't blame me for it or may not even care at all.
Everything you said are things I deal with daily. Thank you for understanding and your videos! I am very isolated but for now I am ok with this as the only place I am safe to be myself is with myself.
You are so welcome
Yes, they don’t bring the final word 🎉
Thanks for the good word today. It's a good reminder even years after narcissistic entanglements, and it fits well with other pains that come from simply being human. Thank you.
The put downs or tear downs ( subtle and sometimes not so subtle) are so challenging to tolerate.. I have learned not a good idea to challenge them.. I get finger shaking in my face and told your the problem.. Not true!! i know Im not the problem.. The problem I have is tolerating this for 37 years.. Someday it will end..
You explain exactly what I feel! 😢
I wasn't quite the victim of her behaviour, because in that half a year I constantly refused to be treated like a piece of st. (She got pregnant after a months of dating so we started living together without really knowing eachother after the kids were born). Because I refused to take her belittling and manipulative communication and I was quite explicit about it she finally locked me out from our house. The impact on me however was that I just couldn't (and partly still can't) trust any woman. Luckily, we started dating with one of my old friends a year after and she constantly proves being a sane and nice person amd having real love and good intentions and this relationship is what gave my hope back in female half of humanity.
Idk how to be happy anymore 😔
I hear you, Dr Carter, right down to my core. Thank you so much for your consistent encouragement, enlightenment, and sincere care!❤❤❤
You are so welcome
well... that revealed some epiphanies for me. And I'm a hard-ass person and thought none of that nonsense did anything to me. Thanks.
Hello from Brazil to Dr. Carter and to lovable Gus.
Hi Lillian!
I appreciate your realistic and positive view of life going forward, Dr. Carter. Thank you for choosing to share on your platform.
Synchronicity at work. Like being encouraged n hearing the train is closer to the station than confidently felt. Many many blessings for the nurturing and encouraging so many people seem to need. And it seems especially so in these times.
Will never measure up to his ideal The opinions are suffocating shame is a real tear down
Weird had distant relationship with brother the usual see each other on holidays talk occasionally but very little conversation...he hid this side of him all these years ...now I am 55 he 65 and our relationship is over I can't even speak to him ...😂
The best way to stay in control is to stop trying to control! Accept, allow & appreciate whatever is going well in life then focus on feeling well ❤️🩹 shift away from the pain & concentrate on what is going right to move on
For the record- wishing you, your family and Gus a nice 😊 day and as well a pleasant evening ahead
Thank you very much!
We really like that color on ya Dr.C. Its "your color "
Listening to this I am feeling a little convicted, by myself, for allowing myself to be utilized by family narcissists, for any reason. Maybe it's just taking a little while for my head knowledge about narcissism to get to my heart/gut. At least I have some "vocabulary " to describe this phenomenon. It never felt right, just was not sure how to define it. Thanks Dr.C
Thanks, Michele.
@@SurvivingNarcissism ubet
Dr. C. I ALWAYS feel better after I watch your videos. You give us tools to assist us in dealing with difficult people, and that is so very helpful to me. Thank you💓
Or you feel like maybe you are not worth knowing, because you've been authentic with them and judged wanting.
They are so dramatic too. It’s gotten to be so obvious he puts on a show in everything he does and he over acts with every situation. He is a drama queen!
As ever, Dr. C, I am so grateful to you. This, like so many other of your videos, are so reassuring. I shall be listening to this one ‘over and over’ again.. I so lacked the skill to set boundaries years ago with my two siblings, older brother and younger sister. May be the middle-child harmonizer-syndrome. Having a misguided sense of being a ‘family’, as an empath, I lost sight and put their self-interested, often harsh, demeaning communication ahead of my own internal comfort. Part of my hesitation was resisting lowering myself to being ‘reactive’ and to their level, as this was and is not consistent with who I am or want to be. Having skills (actually things to say) has strengthened me rather than ‘just take it’.
It is said that the struggles we each have in life, are ours and ours alone. Dealing with narcissistic behavior has been one of my life lessons constantly prodding me to take care of myself. It’s taken a ‘while’ but I think I’ve got it. Although I feel I have more skills now, I also know cutting ties with my sister is essential for my continued growth, and managing time with my brother (more opportunity to do so there). So many aspects of their behavior are simply horribly destructive.
Here’s my declaration to you all, my witnesses - 2024 is the year, I am letting that unhealthy part of me go entirely, and focus on and enjoy my own continued personal growth and be with others with whom I exchange and relate in healthy ways. I’ve declared and it’s out there!.
Dr. C, I almost weep when I hear you go through the hallmark characteristics of ‘narcissists’. The domination, superiority, cruelty, deriving joy out of humiliating and being hurtful, condescending, the tearing down, self-centeredness, lack of empathy, etc. etc. - my siblings exemplify every one of these to the ‘nth’ degree. I also am moved emotionally when you make reference to how we often do not share our long-time exposure to and experiences with narcissists. It seems both so surreal and so distant for others to appreciate the impact it has had on me over so many years. I have successfully compartmentalized these experiences, along with other family dysfunction within my family of origin, only obtusely making reference to these.experiences to others. Even though there is no opportunity for validation when sharing this impact, I now appreciate the importance of sharing as it is truly being true to myself.
Enough said……
Professor-Elizabeth
Thank you for another Healthy therapy session, Dr C! I am grateful and thankful 🙏
You're welcome.
I want to see the world for how it really is and then to learn ways to maneuver around it..
Thank you Dr.C
You are very welcome
I just turned 53. I feel as if my whole life has been a lie. I don't know who I am anymore or even what I like??
Your best insight is still ahead. Don't give up on yourself...keep learning!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate it 🙏.
All 4 yes!!! And Gus is adorable!!! ❤
Nice color on you Dr. Carter.
Thanks for another great video.🌸
Good morning 🌞
Yes it is!!
Omg. This. So much this.
So much wisdom Dr Carter❤ Ty