Bingo. People who are aggressive in asking questions, and do it as if they are just so interested in you. But when you pay attention, you realize they quickly brush off questions - brusquely.
Sometimes a person's past can make a difference. If they have trusted the wrong person or people they become guarded. They are nice people but they have been hurt many times. Trust should be earned and not taken for granted.
Less said the better unless and until you feel pretty sure they can be trusted. It takes a lot for me to open up anymore, after a lifetime of being too trusting.
1. Superficial personal responses 2. Inability to learn from mistakes 3. Lots of unsolicited advice but don't receive input 4. Easily critical 5. Evasive about plans 6. Fair weather friends 7. Consistent inconsistency 8. Characterised by mismanagement of anger 9. Don't return kindness, empathy, tho' like to receive it 10. Like to talk about their successes but don't reveal or take responsibility for their failures.
@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and TH-camrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?
@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person. You've my vote of confidence.
Another indicator is when the person gossips. If the person is talking about someone else to you, chances are good he or she is talking about you to another person.
Yep and gossip like psychopaths exist because of our evolution both are essential to the well being of the tribe so to speak! Most don’t understand the theories but both are widely available to explore! Also everyone lies!
That only count for some people! Most people go totally off track by gut feelings!!! I am very much always honest! Even with compliments, I only give them when I mean them! So not often, but when I do, you know I mean it and not just polite! Yet I am often accused of lying! And people who are obviously lying are taken for grantted saying the truth! I did tests by being consciously be dishonest, lie! I my mind and on purpose, I exaggerated, so it should be obvious I was lying, just to test the other persons whether they could see the lie! In very much all cases they believed the lie!!! And when I normally speak, lots of times people choose not to believe me! Very frustrating! And the tests results? Even more frustrating! And bizar! Why? Because I do a test! And when they taken the bait and believe the lie, I open up and tell them it was a test and I lied! And then? They assume the explanation about the test is the lie!!!!! SO much for gut feelings!!! people are so used to be lied to that the lie feels safe and the truth feels strange somehow!! That is my hypothesis! People trust people not on how good or honest they are! people trust people based on common traits! So if you are an evil person and have certain preferences of evil traits and you see somebody having the same traits, you trust that person more than somebody who not have those!!! Because you think you can anticipate on that behavior! You think you can predict the steps of that person and that makes somebody reliable and thus trustworthy! But with evilness that is just not true of course, but the feeling is strong and thus the gut feeling!!! You search for soulmates in your unconsciousness!!! That decides the trustworthiness of someone, not honesty!
I think if people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then part of the fallout is a lack of trust, which is due to the narcissist's gaslighting and predatorial behavior!
I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!
Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.
Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.
@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️
People who cannot earn my trust are: 1# those who break their promises; 2# those who donot take responsibility for their behaviour and actions; 3# those who use goodness of others; 4# those who do others harm; 5# those who spread naughty lies about nice and good people with aim to hide their real nature Some of them are only immature and some of them are unfortunately narcissists. Dr. Carter, thanks for this up-coming interesting theme!
I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!
When someone has been misunderstood long enough, they figure out how to stop sharing personal information. It doesn't mean they are not trustworthy. It simply means they are learning who they feel safe to share with. Being evasive can be the same thing... they are trying not cause an explosion.
I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!
Some people are gossips and busybodies. My personal life, my plans, etc are none of their business. I found that they just want to know my business to get info for gossiping. When they press me for personal info, I shut them down by asking,”Why do you want to know?”
The Unsolicited advice one and the Critical ones are spot on! These people may seem wise and very helpful at first, but after a while you realize they don't have good intentions.
I don’t tell people my business. That’s how I am. And I don’t answer questions from strangers. If you are trying to get to know me by asking all kinds of questions about me, it isn’t going to go well. I hate when someone approaches me and tries to ask many personal questions. But when I turn it around on them and say “tell me about you” and ask them questions they are never comfortable with that. I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me and I let people know me in degrees. It is best for me.
In my experiences, I have learned to watch and listen to the people around you. Over time, you'll learn who they are and who you can trust. I like the comment someone said, I let them learn about me in degrees.
I have to be very short in my answers when it comes to my narcissistic family. They're waiting to find something to gossip about. It's not what I long for but after years of being detailed in conversation I now realize it was in my own ignorance because it was a way to go back and report to other family members. Unfortunately it has made me avoid them all. I do not want myself or my husband and children being analyzed so short is sweet.❤❤❤❤
My X narcissist always answered a question I brought to him with a question ....so frustrating and twisted...a great way to avoid answering by changing the topic and redirecting the conversation. I did finally catch on to this tactic. I went grey rock without even knowing that was what I was doing. This saved my sanity and my life in the end.
It makes us explain ourselves even more. They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse. Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.
Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.
@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU. Why Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem. The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going.. These ppl just ugh
It's important to not conflate a private personality with untrustworthiness. I'm an introvert who likes to hold his cards close to the best until I feel I can trust someone.
Exactly And a lot of people don’t like that. Especially if they want something from you... If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.
Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.
They never engage in full-on gossip but blurt-out nasty comments about other family members or "friends" and then carry on like nothing nasty was said. This is the red flag that I ignored.
I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.
It is annoying when people at work ask how your weekend was and expect you to give a decent answer. It is work time and not random chit chat time. Also can be friendly but need to maintain professional boundaries. With close friends I do enjoy this question and outside of work time. Also not being open about what you have been upto can also be a self esteem thing - if you don’t think people will find it interesting or weren’t asking genuinely. In NZ asking someone how they are and what they have been upto is a pleasantry and it’s awkward if someone throws a curveball and says “I’m not doing well and this is what I did with my time”. Average answer is along the lines of “Good and nothing much”.
I find competitive people untrustworthy. They are constantly looking to one up or sabotage you. If they aren’t successful with that, then they degrade out of jealousy.
Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...
We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.
They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.
not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?
My entire childhood family can’t be trusted and I have some issues being trustworthy (according to this video) I’m here to work on this! Thank you Dr.! I need to teach my children healthy relationship by being a good example.
Among many untrustworthy people, there are a few worthy of trust. I want to be a trustworthy person with dignity. Thank you always for your advice, Dr. Carter!
The words that woke me came out of the mouth of the narcissist that had abused me for a lifetime. He said nonchalantly and conversationally, “you’ve always wanted to be me.” To say that it blew me away is an understatement but at that moment it woke me and set me free. I’ve been recovering since that day.
I've also been a victim of "foul weather friends". They come into your life when you have a problem and they want to empathize and help you solve it. However, they never reveal anything about themselves or let you help them with their troubles. Once your problem is "solved", they move on to the next person who needs their "help". You think you're making a friend when in reality you're just their current project.
Those types are codependents. They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children. Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.
@@Flyfreenow I really don't think so. I've been thwarted again and again in my attempts to offer help and friendship to them, or just becoming closer to them. Obviously it's my opinion, but I sincerely think that I have found them getting involved without my asking for their help; offering unsuccessfully to be there for them; and then totally disappearing to go onto the next needy person. If I'm a taker, I'm a very grateful one, and ready to reciprocate.
Dear Anne, I have no words to express my gratitude for your comments! "Foul weather friends" - so there is a name for it! Oh my God! A few years ago I met a woman, who is exactly as you described!!! I am a natural giver, I just like people, I know how to be grateful and how to reciprocate all the good things I receive. I used to be, sadly, mostly surrounded by exploitative people, narcissists. And then I met her via our mutual acquaintance. She was very exceptional... she got quickly involved in supporting me (I suffer from PTSD) and helping me (her career is mental health care related). She was doing it completely for free for a long time, investing tons of her time in me. I wanted to reciprocate it, and help her, since she struggled with some things I mastered in my profession. And then I realized something was very wrong about her reactions. She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't grateful. Each and every idea I presented to her to improve her things got ditched, rejected and ... it was done by her to the point of self-sabotage! Pure insanity! I never tried to force her to anything or manipulate or control her, and she was doing the opposite to was I was suggesting as an experienced professional. I started to feel insulted by her behaviour. It's as if my effort, my ideas, my knowledge were completely worthless. And she was ultra secretive about her life. She revealed a few "problems" she had in her private life, but ... things didn't add up at all. What she said made no sense. At some point, somewhere in the middle of our situationship, I offered her my friendship.... and her reaction ashamed me deeply. She expressed discomfort and said, that well, maybe some day in the future. I thought I did some major faux pas or something. I truly believed I was making a friend... I could not comprehend WHY she spent so much time and effort on me, and in the same time didn't want me as a friend. The end of that situation was me going No Contact with her. Constant cognitive dissonance made me physically ill. And that was interesting thing - once I got ill, she became unavailable, even if she knew I got ill. She ghosted me. After a few attempts to contact her, she gave me a lame excuse, then she lied, then she tried to gaslight me, and then I realized that enough is enough. It was a shocking situation. I've never met before a toxic giver!
Yes but couldn’t a person that’s been mistreated as a kid be hesitant to disclose a lot of their feelings for fear of being exploited, manipulated or abused again? It’s so confusing because a lot of behaviors are a result of being exposed to toxic people. Thanks Dr. C 🙏✌️
Dr. Les Carter true! But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist - Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅
Z C But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes- There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no? Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot. I have lol 😅
After many years of marriage I quit talking about most of my feelings because my husband would use all info as ammunition during any argument. He of course became empty too as he did more and more of that which he did not wish me to know about. We divorced. This talk is also about the loss of trust in a marriage as these steps you go through happen in slow motion over years.
There are two kinds of people in the arena of conversation: complainers seeking problems and people seeking solutions. Those seeking solutions will listen to you. Those complainers are not looking for solutions. Everything is divided into two things: the make wrong people and the validators. The make wrong people don’t look for solutions. The validators are those who seek solutions. Then there are those people who like and dislike you. Those who like you care deeply and have a tendency to listen to you and validate what you speak of. Those who don’t like you will always find something wrong and anything you say will not resonate with you or them. The simple things I keep in mind is what I learned in scripture. Otherwise it just turns into verbal olympics. “ How can two walk together if they are not agreed?” A cat will never bark and a dog will never meow and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. With those people you have to make a determination as to whether it’s worth the time to engage in meaningful conversation that will either build a relationship or just be a “just passing through” type of relationship.
This just reaffirmed my thoughts on one individual. A lady I know is very surface level. Superficial. Material things, money is a big thing with her and looks mainly name brands she loves. But it doesn't go much deeper than that. No real empathy ever shown. She is super friendly and at first seems like a nice person. But I've spent enough time to think otherwise. It's very Superficial niceness. I don't disclose much about myself to her because I had a feeling she wasn't trust worthy. She also gives unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice. She told me one time that I should tell people everything about myself because then you get a lot of feedback. I think she was trying to get me to reveal things about myself but it didn't work. Nobody needs to know everything about me unless I feel the need to do so.
Thank you dr Carter. There are people who can not be trusted, they only exploit others and they must be avoided but sometimes they just will not leave you alone as they feel entitled to do whatever they find expedient. You feel like a prey they are eating alive and marvelling at the process. Terrible!
That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!
Often we do not notice any of these signs when being in a relationship with someone But how they behave towards others can tell you a lot about them Look at how they treat waiters at restaurants, how they empathize with poor or sick people, how they treat their employees, how they treat children and elders Don't convince yourself they will be always good to you even if they treat other people badly Sooner or later they can say/do to you all the same nasty things they say/do to others
It works both ways. Don’t assume that because they treat everyone else well that they will be the same with you. It’s part of their desire to appear to be a good person so that you will look like the one with the problem
Straight into the rude angry, ranting bs is the real cue. They ALWAYS have an opinion about everyone and everything and blame every wrong done to them by all others!!! Really the whole world
they lie, or don't respond to direct questions with direct answers; they change the subject (deflect), shift blame, act aggrieved or deny/play dumb/stonewall. they don't look you in the eyes (and they are not autistic). One I am very familiar with is that they make "suggestions", or "imply" things without saying what they mean explicitly, aka guessing games. I'm not sure how many that adds up to, but I am too familiar with those indicators. Also - if they've lied, stolen, cheated in the past (more than a white lie) - they definitely can not be trusted!
Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.
@@She_McGee I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.
You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.
It is amazing how many people sadly have this level of/in almost every relationship. When I meet "real" people, people who are exactly like they are, I hold on tightly to those friendships and relatives and have for decades! I can count exactly how many of those trustworthy relationships I cherish. Thank you for this video Dr. Carter.
I realize why I always felt like I was in danger...I came from a family of untrustworthy people with the two main ones pretending to play the role of “parents “. My sister followed suit. My intuition was right and I always felt panicked around them and I was, in fact, put in dangerous situations when they forced me to follow their advice. You lose your “radar “ after awhile. I proceeded to get into a dangerous marriage and put myself in bad situations too. These lessons are invaluable for correcting bad parenting and learning to re-parent ourselves. Thank you.
Thank you for your honesty which helped me. I definitely lost my radar in my family of origin, but am trying to get it back, before I fall for another charming narcissist at work, at church or in the dating world. I hope you're doing well now.
This is not always true.. and is misleading! Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again
@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.
@@truthh8597you are absolutely right. I don't have friends like when i was younger, but its ok because everyone is not your friend. I've found out that a lot of females were jealous of me back then. My main friends has always been guys, and sometimes they are shady.
Being superficial with personal disclosures or being evasive about personal plans wouldn't be a red flag in a professional environment where you want to keep things surface level and not personal. But definitely red flags if it's meant to be a personal relationship. The only other point I want to make is that depression, anxiety, and past traumatic experiences can cause someone to become consistently inconsistent, but that can change as they learn to manage/cope/heal their condition/issues. So some of these things are not necessarily red flags, but if you see a lot of them in the same person? Back away slowly.....
Excellent validation of my instincts. I've noticed you can't trust people who don't trust people also. They just can't imagine others doing and or saying the right thing, the truth.
Thank You Dr. Carter. I think it could benefit a person to take a closer of themself. I'm 75 years old and I am certainly open to taking a closer look at who I thought I was and who I am. I also enjoying reading comments from your readers
I was in a relationship and he actually told me not to discuss anything about him with him. He was never wrong and always referred to his superiority. After many years, I never knew how he spent his days. And yes he was evasive about his plans. His anger, when unleashed, was rageful. He dismissed many friends, He didn’t seem to insight into his previous romantic relationships. I t was always someone else’s fault. I wanted to say to him: “who was the common denominator in all of your relationships that didn’t work out.” When he was angry with people other than me, he would become threatening. He did not self-disclose much.
Abusers don't interact or share anything they take lie cheat bully and want to waste your time and attention to them.give it to yourself.give self time.investment.learning and listening to your inner ear.your voice.not an abuser drowns it out.all the vest to you all and Dr led and yours.happy independence day pending.
Dr. C., # 6. OK, let's keep things shallow, I'm catching on. PRICELESS! Thank you for bringing understanding to the vagueness. That clears up ALOT! Then. 🙁 Now. ☺
I'm on the fence about someone being too personal. I myself at times doesn't know what immediate plans I'll be having on the weekend. So my answer is usually the same I don't know.
Coached junior soccer for years a very small number of parents could cause grief by constantly fighting with referree's , demanding their child play certain positions all the time even if kids are rotated,backstabbing,complaining etc . I became skilled at picking them early could usually tell in the first minute of meeting them and could let them go before final cut when building a team.
Openness in general was a problem with my ex. I really didn't know who he was on the inside. It's difficult to trust someone then. Also, a quarrel was an immediate reason to end the relationship. Nothing was deeply discussed. No interest in my feelings.
I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything. I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate. She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her. She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort. This is not her mother's era.
Dr. Carter, I looove the topics you have been addressing recently. The podcast on narcissism also helped, but once the narcissist is gone, I found one needs further help to navigate life successfully. So, thank you!
I am grateful for you Dr. C. Thank you for teaching us how we may navigate difficult relationship dynamics while preserving, or repairing, our personal dignity. You are one of my top Spiritual and Mental mentors. Sending Love and Hugs to you and our Dr. C family of seekers here. 🥰🤗🦋🧘💞😃😊
This is by far the best advice and wisdom i've ever watched and heard. It makes me see that all the people in my life have been untrustworthy friends and foe even sadly my spouse who only this weekdnd flat out lied to my face. Now trust has gone and i'm in a position as to where to go from here. He cannot even admit his lies or mistakes, totally incapable of saying sorry either or giving any explanation or apology just sent some flowers and expects me to forget. Actually goes radio silence for days in the hopes I will forget. When youre in these things you cant see them either. I've been with my husband for 11 years so what do I do? And even if i leave and start again its also a question of finding someone else trust worthy. And there are not that many!
that's not true. There is no reason to overshare Which is a character flaw) if you think others can use it against you. I watch who gossips and stand back and watch not feeling the need to interject much unless someone asks. Even then, I am not obliged to share if I don't feel comfortable.
I started to feel sick thinking back throughout my life and the controllers and I feel like I constantly have to remind myself my feelings are my own and I hear my No , but the narcissist doesn’t hear No if they don’t want to at all My body , my choice No means No
I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment. When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.
It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?
It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.
I hope you know just how INCREDIABLY helpful you are!!!! Videos like this not only have saved my life but helping me learn how to finally enjoy my life after 44 years!!!!! Ty from the bottom of my heart 😃
For those who have been through a narcisistic relationship, some of this won't be exactly on the mark within that situation. One of the key signs for someone who has that trait is a VERY high interest in learning all about you, every detail possible and seem like they are very open and a great listener. But they are just gathering ammo for future conversations and it will absolutely be used against you. So I'm much more cautious now before sharing deeply personal things until there is some evidence of a trustworthy and balanced individual.
Wonderful video. Testing by your own gauge! Love it. It’s the inner man that we through trust and being trusted that brings true fellowship and unity. Like a child’s trust. Awesome!!
“And the food is good 😂! I got a good laugh from your comment, Dr. Carter. You took the sting out of a situation that doesn’t deserve my compassion. Thank you for always sharing more than you commit yourself to. God bless you.
Excellent, Dr. C! Thank you. I was particularly struck by the unsolicited advice portion. I find people who give unsolicited advice to YOU and expect you to follow it but don't follow the same advice for THEMSELVES are not trustworthy.
Listening to what is being said and not said is key. Red flag is when you can tell the other person is not valuing you or any insight or information you bring to a conversation. First conversation to express what you’ve noticed, feel, and then gauge if they understand your perspective and the response is all about how they feel? Then suddenly end the friendship and block you instead of having that conversation? Did they only enter my life so I could support them, or until you catch on, that this is not a genuine two way considerate relationship/ friendship? Healthy people that value you as well can have those conversations. And see from someone else’s perspective and usually communicate to keep things healthy for both sides.
The trouble is, I’ve known people who come around when you’ve got a problem because they simply want to know what is going on! They’re nosey about your life, but won’t allow you to know about their life! And once you’ve told them what they want to know, you don’t see them again until the next time they’re being nosey!!!! 🙏🙏🙏
Fair weather friends 💯 Dr. C, especially parasitic type of relationships… we are friends when it benefits me type of mentality. People are not tools in a toolbox to pick up when you need a particular thing. I’d also add someone who smiles ALL the time, even when it’s not appropriate. Another trait I’ve noticed is fence riders; those who would rather everyone like them instead of having an objective opinion and loyalty. There is a quote I like that says, those who stand for everything stand for nothing. This video is great for those of us who are learning to trust again after being severely scorned. Thank you!
Great points thank you😊Sounds like traits of the narcissist. People get defensive when that word comes up but that mental illness is so prevalent today😐
Thanks, Dr. Carter, another great video! PLEASE do a follow up video on how best to deal with this kind of person, especially if it is someone like a family member that you simply can not avoid being around. ❤
Sometimes you cant open up to people about things . One time I was in a bible talk group setting and when the older couple who were leading the group asked us to open up about a topic in our church. So I freely opened up because I trusted this older couple who were leading the group. After the discussion was over she stands up and walks in front of me and my friend and said that he is more spiritual than me. I was like wow never again will I be vulnerable to this group. Im still in the group but Im being very discreet about anything which is very sad . I do open up but to people that i could trust. Sometimes opening up to manipulated people could do more harm than good.
In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.
While watching your vid I recognize I'm not thrusworthy. People have abused me in every possible way, my parents divorced, dumped us to fostercare, dad alcoholic and still got us back. I don't trust people, I don't open up easily, I want to be free of unnecessary commitments, 11 yrs with abusing husband, Im finally free to try to understand myself and this vid makes me feel as a very BAD person!! My selfconfidence is bottom and now I feel worse after this. And you are helping People....?.
DR carter Your Intelligence and insight is so refreshing to hear !!!!!. What about Respect ?-would be Great to hear your interpretation Thank You and all the very best !!
I just saw a video yesterday about the MRI of people who have childhood post-traumatic stress syndrome which showed their brains are triggered by the stress of getting ready. The emotional side of their brain gets more active and the rational part gets less active. That's why they are chronically LATE.
Dr. C, Once again very wise and sage advice. It would be great to have you or someone with your perspectives, training, straightforward and kind caring as a therapist. This video goes into my all-time necessary and helpful sources of truth. Thank you.
"Crisis reveals character" hell yeah! And the people who step up to the plate, are willing to listen and support, are often not the ones you thought would be there. Its an eye opener.
Don't reveal everything at once watch weight and see how long it takes they can manipulate you from the beginning and if you're in it deep enough you won't see it until it's too late listen to your intuition no matter what if it doesn't smell sound fit feel taste or look right you know what it may not be right you might need to do your homework thank you Dr c for this one I appreciate you I wish this video would have been around 10 years ago wouldn't be in the misplaced jaded spot I'm in now now I won't trust people because I know all of those indicators have happened to me and now I stay way way away from people it's bad but I'm starting to move outward this video is going to help me do that thank you again I hope you have a good holiday may you and your family be blessed and I was talking about Gus and any other four legged furry once you might have around there family family right?
@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.
Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more. This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!
My God! All 4 of those type of people are all around me! They are not the type of people I want in my life, it's sometimes like I'm a magnet for them. This is why I chose to back away from all people, I don't have the time to waist on them and I can't tell who's who without time. They want me to be who they want me to be. I spent many years with that. They're never satisfied, even if you change.
I can't even count the number of times that somebody has yelled at me about their faults when what they are doing is putting their problems on me. There are lots of people that keep having the same failures but never learn.
Trust is predicated on accountability. Reviewing this list with Dr Carter - he paints a very clear picture of an individual with a total lack of accountability in their repertoire. I trust Dr Carter and SIR GUS! Keep it Healthy!
I had to stop predicting or agreeing to things. Life has become uncertain, unpredictable, and subject to the projections of others. It is a very difficult time. The "haves" really don't understand the "have nots". I am not certain that I can trust like I used to. I could give examples.......
When someone wants to know all about you, yet won't reciprocate. Very one-sided.
Bingo. People who are aggressive in asking questions, and do it as if they are just so interested in you. But when you pay attention, you realize they quickly brush off questions - brusquely.
Or what if they tell you all about themselves, but aren't interested in your stuff?
Runaway!
I don't just tell anybody my business
They're trying to find something to start a issue with
Sometimes a person's past can make a difference. If they have trusted the wrong person or people they become guarded. They are nice people but they have been hurt many times. Trust should be earned and not taken for granted.
YES
Too much betrayal leads to shut down
I totally agree !
There's nothing wrong with being cautious.
Less said the better unless and until you feel pretty sure they can be trusted. It takes a lot for me to open up anymore, after a lifetime of being too trusting.
Okay, I knew there were more people than me that felt this way too. The situation is real!👍
1. Superficial personal responses
2. Inability to learn from mistakes
3. Lots of unsolicited advice
but don't receive input
4. Easily critical
5. Evasive about plans
6. Fair weather friends
7. Consistent inconsistency
8. Characterised by mismanagement of anger
9. Don't return kindness, empathy, tho' like to receive it
10. Like to talk about their successes but don't reveal or take responsibility for their failures.
Thanks for that, I wanted to write them down, because my ex had many of the characteristics.
This describes much of my family, Lord help me. I pray I am trustworthy. I believe I am, but if this is where I come from how could I be decent?
@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and TH-camrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?
unsolicited advice
@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person.
You've my vote of confidence.
sometimes they show up in a crisis with a hidden agenda, creating an obligation
Ya mean like this?
TH-cam:
_The Godfather Part 2 -- Senator's New Friend_
Lawyers
“A friend cannot be known in prosperity: and an enemy cannot be hidden in adversity.”
❤
Wise words
Another indicator is when the person gossips. If the person is talking about someone else to you, chances are good he or she is talking about you to another person.
You can count on it.♥️👽
Yep and gossip like psychopaths exist because of our evolution both are essential to the well being of the tribe so to speak! Most don’t understand the theories but both are widely available to explore! Also everyone lies!
Exactly!
@@pinchebruha405 Gossip is SIN, according to the Bible, regardless of any explanation or excuse the sinner gives for it.
This
TRUST your intuition, your gut feeling.
Very wise advice!
Oh Yes..Be it a dew weeks or several years...the reality comes out
Few not dew
That only count for some people! Most people go totally off track by gut feelings!!! I am very much always honest! Even with compliments, I only give them when I mean them! So not often, but when I do, you know I mean it and not just polite! Yet I am often accused of lying! And people who are obviously lying are taken for grantted saying the truth!
I did tests by being consciously be dishonest, lie!
I my mind and on purpose, I exaggerated, so it should be obvious I was lying, just to test the other persons whether they could see the lie!
In very much all cases they believed the lie!!! And when I normally speak, lots of times people choose not to believe me! Very frustrating! And the tests results? Even more frustrating! And bizar! Why? Because I do a test! And when they taken the bait and believe the lie, I open up and tell them it was a test and I lied! And then? They assume the explanation about the test is the lie!!!!! SO much for gut feelings!!! people are so used to be lied to that the lie feels safe and the truth feels strange somehow!! That is my hypothesis!
People trust people not on how good or honest they are! people trust people based on common traits!
So if you are an evil person and have certain preferences of evil traits and you see somebody having the same traits, you trust that person more than somebody who not have those!!! Because you think you can anticipate on that behavior! You think you can predict the steps of that person and that makes somebody reliable and thus trustworthy! But with evilness that is just not true of course, but the feeling is strong and thus the gut feeling!!!
You search for soulmates in your unconsciousness!!! That decides the trustworthiness of someone, not honesty!
That’s what it’s there for, to protect you.
I think if people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then part of the fallout is a lack of trust, which is due to the narcissist's gaslighting and predatorial behavior!
I can agree with that, I’m still struggling with that lately. However, if you want to make new friends you have to be vulnerable to a degree.
I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!
Very true! 👍
Yes and that leads you to have more privacy as person for protection
Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.
They don’t value your time, only their own!
I agree. Getting the impression that your time and effort is disposable, and is being ‘managed’ for you is debilitating.
@@stuporman75 They want to control everything and everyone!
Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.
@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️
My dad does this, I am no-contact with him and for other reasons. I deserve better than him for a father!
People who cannot earn my trust are:
1# those who break their promises;
2# those who donot take responsibility for their behaviour and actions;
3# those who use goodness of others;
4# those who do others harm;
5# those who spread naughty lies about nice and good people with aim to hide their real nature
Some of them are only immature and some of them are unfortunately narcissists.
Dr. Carter, thanks for this up-coming interesting theme!
You'll find overlap between my comments on the video and what you list here! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thanks for answer. Tomorrow I am listening to your video.
I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!
@@She_McGee Thank you! 🌞
Exactly Anesa! These are all of the reasons why my sister is not in my life. She is toxic.
When someone has been misunderstood long enough, they figure out how to stop sharing personal information. It doesn't mean they are not trustworthy. It simply means they are learning who they feel safe to share with. Being evasive can be the same thing... they are trying not cause an explosion.
I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!
Over five decades in a narc family has left me feeling the same way.
🤷🏻♂️
Still looking for clarity on this.
Good luck on your journey.
@@tiredperson6574
Excellent metaphor.
I'll have to use that.
👍😎
@@sage9836 Read Dr. George Simon In Sheep's Clothing. I recommend radical authenticity. I read about it somewhere and it seems to work.
Everything you say can and will be used against you. Ask Jesus.
Some people are gossips and busybodies. My personal life, my plans, etc are none of their business. I found that they just want to know my business to get info for gossiping. When they press me for personal info, I shut them down by asking,”Why do you want to know?”
Some people talk to you so they can talk about you. Read this again.
The Unsolicited advice one and the Critical ones are spot on! These people may seem wise and very helpful at first, but after a while you realize they don't have good intentions.
I don’t tell people my business. That’s how I am. And I don’t answer questions from strangers. If you are trying to get to know me by asking all kinds of questions about me, it isn’t going to go well. I hate when someone approaches me and tries to ask many personal questions. But when I turn it around on them and say “tell me about you” and ask them questions they are never comfortable with that. I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me and I let people know me in degrees. It is best for me.
Yes!!!
In my experiences, I have learned to watch and listen to the people around you. Over time, you'll learn who they are and who you can trust. I like the comment someone said, I let them learn about me in degrees.
I have to be very short in my answers when it comes to my narcissistic family. They're waiting to find something to gossip about.
It's not what I long for but after years of being detailed in conversation I now realize it was in my own ignorance because it was a way to go back and report to other family members.
Unfortunately it has made me avoid them all.
I do not want myself or my husband and children being analyzed so short is sweet.❤❤❤❤
My X narcissist always answered a question I brought to him with a question ....so frustrating and twisted...a great way to avoid answering by changing the topic and redirecting the conversation. I did finally catch on to this tactic. I went grey rock without even knowing that was what I was doing. This saved my sanity and my life in the end.
Yes, Mary! I likened it to a soap opera! You ask Were you at the bar last night with Gary? Their answer Why do you ask? It’s very unnerving!!
It makes us explain ourselves even more.
They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse.
Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.
Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.
They can’t answer direct questions.
@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU.
Why
Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem.
The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going..
These ppl just ugh
It's important to not conflate a private personality with untrustworthiness. I'm an introvert who likes to hold his cards close to the best until I feel I can trust someone.
Exactly
And a lot of people don’t like that.
Especially if they want something from you...
If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.
I don’t trust you 🧐
Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.
Agreed.....
@@doctorartphd6463 I do agree as well. Revealing confidential personal information without having solid grounds to trust, compromises confidentiality.
They never engage in full-on gossip but blurt-out nasty comments about other family members or "friends" and then carry on like nothing nasty was said.
This is the red flag that I ignored.
I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.
Exactly!
I've learned that you find out who your real friends are when moving
Or when broken down on the side of the road
This sounds like every single person, that is why I mostly keep to myself and have zero expectations
It is annoying when people at work ask how your weekend was and expect you to give a decent answer. It is work time and not random chit chat time. Also can be friendly but need to maintain professional boundaries.
With close friends I do enjoy this question and outside of work time.
Also not being open about what you have been upto can also be a self esteem thing - if you don’t think people will find it interesting or weren’t asking genuinely. In NZ asking someone how they are and what they have been upto is a pleasantry and it’s awkward if someone throws a curveball and says “I’m not doing well and this is what I did with my time”.
Average answer is along the lines of “Good and nothing much”.
Its the same here in the US
I find competitive people untrustworthy. They are constantly looking to one up or sabotage you. If they aren’t successful with that, then they degrade out of jealousy.
I work with two such people.
@@RachelLWolfe Toxic workspace.
@@Misslotusification it can be. I've learned to keep to myself as much as possible.
That's so True.
I love the picture of the bear, that’s absolutely beautiful
When someone shows you they are willing to break laws, they are not trustworthy. Thank them for showing you who they truly are, then RUN.
Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...
We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.
What if the goobermunt was ebil?
But I can't drive... 55
I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people.
All school institutions should be teaching these truths! Thank you Dr C very, very helpful!
They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.
not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?
My entire childhood family can’t be trusted and I have some issues being trustworthy (according to this video) I’m here to work on this! Thank you Dr.! I need to teach my children healthy relationship by being a good example.
So TRUE!😃
Isolation
Lack of role models
Bitterness about why you were born where you were born
Shame and guilt
It’s never over
Among many untrustworthy people, there are a few worthy of trust. I want to be a trustworthy person with dignity. Thank you always for your advice, Dr. Carter!
DRC- Dignity, respect and civility
The words that woke me came out of the mouth of the narcissist that had abused me for a lifetime. He said nonchalantly and conversationally, “you’ve always wanted to be me.” To say that it blew me away is an understatement but at that moment it woke me and set me free. I’ve been recovering since that day.
Yea they rub off on you
Wow….the delusions….just wow
Crisis does reveal character....that's the one I notice the most. I'm so glad I found your videos. Thank you!
I've also been a victim of "foul weather friends". They come into your life when you have a problem and they want to empathize and help you solve it. However, they never reveal anything about themselves or let you help them with their troubles. Once your problem is "solved", they move on to the next person who needs their "help". You think you're making a friend when in reality you're just their current project.
Interesting equation
Those types are codependents.
They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children.
Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.
Or you are a taker of those who are there for you…
@@Flyfreenow I really don't think so. I've been thwarted again and again in my attempts to offer help and friendship to them, or just becoming closer to them. Obviously it's my opinion, but I sincerely think that I have found them getting involved without my asking for their help; offering unsuccessfully to be there for them; and then totally disappearing to go onto the next needy person. If I'm a taker, I'm a very grateful one, and ready to reciprocate.
Dear Anne, I have no words to express my gratitude for your comments! "Foul weather friends" - so there is a name for it! Oh my God! A few years ago I met a woman, who is exactly as you described!!! I am a natural giver, I just like people, I know how to be grateful and how to reciprocate all the good things I receive. I used to be, sadly, mostly surrounded by exploitative people, narcissists. And then I met her via our mutual acquaintance.
She was very exceptional... she got quickly involved in supporting me (I suffer from PTSD) and helping me (her career is mental health care related). She was doing it completely for free for a long time, investing tons of her time in me. I wanted to reciprocate it, and help her, since she struggled with some things I mastered in my profession. And then I realized something was very wrong about her reactions. She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't grateful. Each and every idea I presented to her to improve her things got ditched, rejected and ... it was done by her to the point of self-sabotage! Pure insanity! I never tried to force her to anything or manipulate or control her, and she was doing the opposite to was I was suggesting as an experienced professional. I started to feel insulted by her behaviour. It's as if my effort, my ideas, my knowledge were completely worthless.
And she was ultra secretive about her life. She revealed a few "problems" she had in her private life, but ... things didn't add up at all. What she said made no sense.
At some point, somewhere in the middle of our situationship, I offered her my friendship.... and her reaction ashamed me deeply. She expressed discomfort and said, that well, maybe some day in the future. I thought I did some major faux pas or something. I truly believed I was making a friend... I could not comprehend WHY she spent so much time and effort on me, and in the same time didn't want me as a friend.
The end of that situation was me going No Contact with her. Constant cognitive dissonance made me physically ill. And that was interesting thing - once I got ill, she became unavailable, even if she knew I got ill. She ghosted me. After a few attempts to contact her, she gave me a lame excuse, then she lied, then she tried to gaslight me, and then I realized that enough is enough.
It was a shocking situation. I've never met before a toxic giver!
Yes but couldn’t a person that’s been mistreated as a kid be hesitant to disclose a lot of their feelings for fear of being exploited, manipulated or abused again?
It’s so confusing because a lot of behaviors are a result of being exposed to toxic people.
Thanks Dr. C 🙏✌️
Very true. But being wary doesn't mean you are untrustworthy! Dr. C
Dr. Les Carter true!
But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol
I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist -
Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅
@@SBecktacular the biggest indicator after two relationships with them, is the overly charming personality. It’s a good sign of manipulation.
Z C
But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes-
There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no?
Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol
Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot.
I have lol 😅
Peoples body language gives early clues
After many years of marriage I quit talking about most of my feelings because my husband would use all info as ammunition during any argument. He of course became empty too as he did more and more of that which he did not wish me to know about. We divorced. This talk is also about the loss of trust in a marriage as these steps you go through happen in slow motion over years.
Dr Carter you and Gus are a breath of fresh air in this world full of narcissists, unkindness, trauma and tragedy.
There are two kinds of people in the arena of conversation: complainers seeking problems and people seeking solutions. Those seeking solutions will listen to you. Those complainers are not looking for solutions. Everything is divided into two things: the make wrong people and the validators. The make wrong people don’t look for solutions. The validators are those who seek solutions. Then there are those people who like and dislike you. Those who like you care deeply and have a tendency to listen to you and validate what you speak of. Those who don’t like you will always find something wrong and anything you say will not resonate with you or them. The simple things I keep in mind is what I learned in scripture. Otherwise it just turns into verbal olympics. “ How can two walk together if they are not agreed?” A cat will never bark and a dog will never meow and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. With those people you have to make a determination as to whether it’s worth the time to engage in meaningful conversation that will either build a relationship or just be a “just passing through” type of relationship.
This just reaffirmed my thoughts on one individual. A lady I know is very surface level. Superficial. Material things, money is a big thing with her and looks mainly name brands she loves. But it doesn't go much deeper than that. No real empathy ever shown. She is super friendly and at first seems like a nice person. But I've spent enough time to think otherwise. It's very Superficial niceness. I don't disclose much about myself to her because I had a feeling she wasn't trust worthy. She also gives unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice.
She told me one time that I should tell people everything about myself because then you get a lot of feedback. I think she was trying to get me to reveal things about myself but it didn't work. Nobody needs to know everything about me unless I feel the need to do so.
Thank you dr Carter. There are people who can not be trusted, they only exploit others and they must be avoided but sometimes they just will not leave you alone as they feel entitled to do whatever they find expedient. You feel like a prey they are eating alive and marvelling at the process. Terrible!
Is the entitlement that gets me
@@natoyabailey9439 Me too. Unfortunately, narcissists have a strong allergic reaction to the whole notion of equality.
That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!
Often we do not notice any of these signs when being in a relationship with someone
But how they behave towards others can tell you a lot about them
Look at how they treat waiters at restaurants, how they empathize with poor or sick people, how they treat their employees, how they treat children and elders
Don't convince yourself they will be always good to you even if they treat other people badly
Sooner or later they can say/do to you all the same nasty things they say/do to others
It works both ways. Don’t assume that because they treat everyone else well that they will be the same with you. It’s part of their desire to appear to be a good person so that you will look like the one with the problem
Straight into the rude angry, ranting bs is the real cue. They ALWAYS have an opinion about everyone and everything and blame every wrong done to them by all others!!! Really the whole world
Coverts are not rude or angry, they are just snakes.
@@josephineananda yes the coverts are sneaky. Had one of those too ( unfortunately) dangerous
Ten, huh? Well, there’s one thing that’s a dealbreaker for me now. If they lie. Can’t wait to learn the other nine.
Yes.#1
Right.
Yes!!
Appropriate intimacy. Reciprocity. Love your bullet points. DRC.
they lie, or don't respond to direct questions with direct answers; they change the subject (deflect), shift blame, act aggrieved or deny/play dumb/stonewall. they don't look you in the eyes (and they are not autistic). One I am very familiar with is that they make "suggestions", or "imply" things without saying what they mean explicitly, aka guessing games. I'm not sure how many that adds up to, but I am too familiar with those indicators. Also - if they've lied, stolen, cheated in the past (more than a white lie) - they definitely can not be trusted!
Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.
@@sage9836 Schizophrenia? like word salad, kind of thing?
@@She_McGee I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.
Covert narcs appear autistic at first, which made it difficult for me to identify my ex as one, unfortunately. :-/
@@karolinagren and vice versa apparently, there's a few behaviours that appear similar but have different roots
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Yes, the bear picture is cute.
@@elsagrace3893 Unless you can't trust them to tell the truth. People lie to snare others.
I So Believe that NOW.
You always have the best topics/content.
Be guarded in all aspects of relationships ☺️ people are fickle.
Yeah:/ feels like a lifeless way to live
But you know what can you do
You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.
Until you find ones who are not.
It is amazing how many people sadly have this level of/in almost every relationship. When I meet "real" people, people who are exactly like they are, I hold on tightly to those friendships and relatives and have for decades! I can count exactly how many of those trustworthy relationships I cherish. Thank you for this video Dr. Carter.
I realize why I always felt like I was in danger...I came from a family of untrustworthy people with the two main ones pretending to play the role of “parents “. My sister followed suit. My intuition was right and I always felt panicked around them and I was, in fact, put in dangerous situations when they forced me to follow their advice. You lose your “radar “ after awhile. I proceeded to get into a dangerous marriage and put myself in bad situations too. These lessons are invaluable for correcting bad parenting and learning to re-parent ourselves. Thank you.
Thank you for your honesty which helped me. I definitely lost my radar in my family of origin, but am trying to get it back, before I fall for another charming narcissist at work, at church or in the dating world. I hope you're doing well now.
Yes. He never makes mistakes. It's always everyone else's fault. I know now when someone has no friends and family It's a big red flag.
This is not always true.. and is misleading!
Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal
When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out
This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends
Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic
Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are
People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace
A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor
Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again
@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.
Me ex narc had lots of friends and appeared close with his family. Dig deeper and things were not so rosy.
@@truthh8597you are absolutely right. I don't have friends like when i was younger, but its ok because everyone is not your friend. I've found out that a lot of females were jealous of me back then. My main friends has always been guys, and sometimes they are shady.
@@kathycoltri840me too. Peace is my friend.
LOVE YOU Dr. Carter! ❤️ Thank You. Have a Blessed 4th. 🙏🏼🇺🇸❤️
I will. We'll have some good time with various extended family members! Thanks. Dr. C
I learned the hard way, when people show you their sleeve believe them. All these videos are so helpful, many thanks Dr.C !! You're the Best 💓
Regardless of my understanding and love for humanity, it still surprises me. Plus, I work in Behavioral Health at a military medical Center.
Being superficial with personal disclosures or being evasive about personal plans wouldn't be a red flag in a professional environment where you want to keep things surface level and not personal. But definitely red flags if it's meant to be a personal relationship. The only other point I want to make is that depression, anxiety, and past traumatic experiences can cause someone to become consistently inconsistent, but that can change as they learn to manage/cope/heal their condition/issues. So some of these things are not necessarily red flags, but if you see a lot of them in the same person? Back away slowly.....
Excellent validation of my instincts. I've noticed you can't trust people who don't trust people also. They just can't imagine others doing and or saying the right thing, the truth.
Thank You Dr. Carter. I think it could benefit a person to take a closer of themself. I'm 75 years old and I am certainly open to taking a closer look at who I thought I was and who I am. I also enjoying reading comments from your readers
I was in a relationship and he actually told me not to discuss anything about him with him. He was never wrong and always referred to his superiority. After many years, I never knew how he spent his days. And yes he was evasive about his plans. His anger, when unleashed, was rageful. He dismissed many friends, He didn’t seem to insight into his previous romantic relationships. I t was always someone else’s fault. I wanted to say to him: “who was the common denominator in all of your relationships that didn’t work out.” When he was angry with people other than me, he would become threatening. He did not self-disclose much.
Abusers don't interact or share anything they take lie cheat bully and want to waste your time and attention to them.give it to yourself.give self time.investment.learning and listening to your inner ear.your voice.not an abuser drowns it out.all the vest to you all and Dr led and yours.happy independence day pending.
Dr. C., # 6. OK, let's keep things shallow, I'm catching on. PRICELESS! Thank you for bringing understanding to the vagueness. That clears up ALOT! Then. 🙁
Now. ☺
I'm on the fence about someone being too personal. I myself at times doesn't know what immediate plans I'll be having on the weekend. So my answer is usually the same I don't know.
I have really been enjoying, the recent videos that have a heavy focus on behavior.
Coached junior soccer for years a very small number of parents could cause grief by constantly fighting with referree's , demanding their child play certain positions all the time even if kids are rotated,backstabbing,complaining etc . I became skilled at picking them early could usually tell in the first minute of meeting them and could let them go before final cut when building a team.
Openness in general was a problem with my ex. I really didn't know who he was on the inside. It's difficult to trust someone then. Also, a quarrel was an immediate reason to end the relationship. Nothing was deeply discussed. No interest in my feelings.
I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything.
I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate.
She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her.
She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort.
This is not her mother's era.
Yes. Takes a good while to feel any trust again with new people
@@keariewashburn4680 I know...I don't dare to date anymore. I've only had narc partners. :-(
It’s like being with a child right!!!
@@chrisw8627 Exactly!
Dr. Carter, I looove the topics you have been addressing recently. The podcast on narcissism also helped, but once the narcissist is gone, I found one needs further help to navigate life successfully. So, thank you!
I am grateful for you Dr. C. Thank you for teaching us how we may navigate difficult relationship dynamics while preserving, or repairing, our personal dignity. You are one of my top Spiritual and Mental mentors. Sending Love and Hugs to you and our Dr. C family of seekers here. 🥰🤗🦋🧘💞😃😊
So pleased! Dr. C
This is by far the best advice and wisdom i've ever watched and heard. It makes me see that all the people in my life have been untrustworthy friends and foe even sadly my spouse who only this weekdnd flat out lied to my face. Now trust has gone and i'm in a position as to where to go from here. He cannot even admit his lies or mistakes, totally incapable of saying sorry either or giving any explanation or apology just sent some flowers and expects me to forget. Actually goes radio silence for days in the hopes I will forget. When youre in these things you cant see them either. I've been with my husband for 11 years so what do I do? And even if i leave and start again its also a question of finding someone else trust worthy. And there are not that many!
People with nothing to hide hide nothing.
that's not true. There is no reason to overshare Which is a character flaw) if you think others can use it against you. I watch who gossips and stand back and watch not feeling the need to interject much unless someone asks. Even then, I am not obliged to share if I don't feel comfortable.
Naive
I started to feel sick thinking back throughout my life and the controllers and I feel like I constantly have to remind myself my feelings are my own and I hear my No ,
but the narcissist doesn’t hear No if they don’t want to at all
My body , my choice No means No
Just because someone doesn't want to share personal doesn't mean they are not trustworthy.
I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment.
When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.
@@Moonbunny55 you explained it perfectly .... twice !
It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?
@@mikediamond353
I really hope that's the case.
I'm tired of feeling I'm damned when I do, and left out when I don't.
It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.
I hope you know just how INCREDIABLY helpful you are!!!! Videos like this not only have saved my life but helping me learn how to finally enjoy my life after 44 years!!!!! Ty from the bottom of my heart 😃
For those who have been through a narcisistic relationship, some of this won't be exactly on the mark within that situation. One of the key signs for someone who has that trait is a VERY high interest in learning all about you, every detail possible and seem like they are very open and a great listener. But they are just gathering ammo for future conversations and it will absolutely be used against you. So I'm much more cautious now before sharing deeply personal things until there is some evidence of a trustworthy and balanced individual.
Wonderful video. Testing by your own gauge! Love it. It’s the inner man that we through trust and being trusted that brings true fellowship and unity. Like a child’s trust. Awesome!!
“And the food is good 😂! I got a good laugh from your comment, Dr. Carter. You took the sting out of a situation that doesn’t deserve my compassion. Thank you for always sharing more than you commit yourself to. God bless you.
Excellent, Dr. C! Thank you. I was particularly struck by the unsolicited advice portion. I find people who give unsolicited advice to YOU and expect you to follow it but don't follow the same advice for THEMSELVES are not trustworthy.
Another great video with specificity to really observe others. Thank you for your commitment to those who seek peace.
You always make great videos at the perfect time. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone anymore.
I believe there are people not telling me the truth
me too
Listening to what is being said and not said is key. Red flag is when you can tell the other person is not valuing you or any insight or information you bring to a conversation. First conversation to express what you’ve noticed, feel, and then gauge if they understand your perspective and the response is all about how they feel? Then suddenly end the friendship and block you instead of having that conversation? Did they only enter my life so I could support them, or until you catch on, that this is not a genuine two way considerate relationship/ friendship? Healthy people that value you as well can have those conversations. And see from someone else’s perspective and usually communicate to keep things healthy for both sides.
Yes always giving suggestions and advice but never revealing anything about themselves.
The trouble is, I’ve known people who come around when you’ve got a problem because they simply want to know what is going on! They’re nosey about your life, but won’t allow you to know about their life! And once you’ve told them what they want to know, you don’t see them again until the next time they’re being nosey!!!! 🙏🙏🙏
This was so helpful to make sure I am self checking my motives on relationships
Fair weather friends 💯 Dr. C, especially parasitic type of relationships… we are friends when it benefits me type of mentality. People are not tools in a toolbox to pick up when you need a particular thing. I’d also add someone who smiles ALL the time, even when it’s not appropriate. Another trait I’ve noticed is fence riders; those who would rather everyone like them instead of having an objective opinion and loyalty. There is a quote I like that says, those who stand for everything stand for nothing. This video is great for those of us who are learning to trust again after being severely scorned. Thank you!
Great points thank you😊Sounds like traits of the narcissist. People get defensive when that word comes up but that mental illness is so prevalent today😐
No vaccine for this pandemic!
They DON'T make mistakes.
Thanks, Dr. Carter, another great video! PLEASE do a follow up video on how best to deal with this kind of person, especially if it is someone like a family member that you simply can not avoid being around. ❤
Sometimes you cant open up to people about things . One time I was in a bible talk group setting and when the older couple who were leading the group asked us to open up about a topic in our church. So I freely opened up because I trusted this older couple who were leading the group. After the discussion was over she stands up and walks in front of me and my friend and said that he is more spiritual than me. I was like wow never again will I be vulnerable to this group. Im still in the group but Im being very discreet about anything which is very sad . I do open up but to people that i could trust. Sometimes opening up to manipulated people could do more harm than good.
In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.
@@lovesings2us You are so right
Amazing for a Monday morning fantastic start for the week
Hi Jill...I'm assuming you're either in NZ or Australia. I'm still trying to close out Sunday! Dr. C
Dr. Carter:
Thank you for a great video.
So excited to hear this video, thank you in advance!!
1. They say something to the effect of, "Trust me."
I had a boyfriend and I didn't trust him. I went to counseling and discovered that people do need privacy. The trust issue was mine.
You may have been correct.
While watching your vid I recognize I'm not thrusworthy. People have abused me in every possible way, my parents divorced, dumped us to fostercare, dad alcoholic and still got us back. I don't trust people, I don't open up easily, I want to be free of unnecessary commitments, 11 yrs with abusing husband, Im finally free to try to understand myself and this vid makes me feel as a very BAD person!! My selfconfidence is bottom and now I feel worse after this. And you are helping People....?.
DR carter
Your Intelligence and insight is so refreshing to hear !!!!!.
What about Respect ?-would be Great to hear your interpretation
Thank You and all the very best !!
You're right, Dr. Les. Absolutely right.
I had friends like that in the past.
"Routine mismanagement of anger."
Spot on! 0-11 in 5 seconds? Yup, problematic!
I just saw a video yesterday about the MRI of people who have childhood post-traumatic stress syndrome which showed their brains are triggered by the stress of getting ready. The emotional side of their brain gets more active and the rational part gets less active. That's why they are chronically LATE.
Dr. C, Once again very wise and sage advice. It would be great to have you or someone with your perspectives, training, straightforward and kind caring as a therapist. This video goes into my all-time necessary and helpful sources of truth. Thank you.
Awesome Les! You are a salt of the earth kind of guy! We need to hear this more often!
"Crisis reveals character" hell yeah! And the people who step up to the plate, are willing to listen and support, are often not the ones you thought would be there. Its an eye opener.
Don't reveal everything at once watch weight and see how long it takes they can manipulate you from the beginning and if you're in it deep enough you won't see it until it's too late listen to your intuition no matter what if it doesn't smell sound fit feel taste or look right you know what it may not be right you might need to do your homework thank you Dr c for this one I appreciate you I wish this video would have been around 10 years ago wouldn't be in the misplaced jaded spot I'm in now now I won't trust people because I know all of those indicators have happened to me and now I stay way way away from people it's bad but I'm starting to move outward this video is going to help me do that thank you again I hope you have a good holiday may you and your family be blessed and I was talking about Gus and any other four legged furry once you might have around there family family right?
Good thoughts, Faith. BTW, we have some enjoyable family time on the slate for the weekend. Thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.
Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more.
This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!
My God! All 4 of those type of people are all around me! They are not the type of people I want in my life, it's sometimes like I'm a magnet for them. This is why I chose to back away from all people, I don't have the time to waist on them and I can't tell who's who without time. They want me to be who they want me to be. I spent many years with that. They're never satisfied, even if you change.
The only way to know know without DOUBT is to test that individual or let experience speak to you!!!
I can't even count the number of times that somebody has yelled at me about their faults when what they are doing is putting their problems on me.
There are lots of people that keep having the same failures but never learn.
Trust is predicated on accountability. Reviewing this list with Dr Carter - he paints a very clear picture of an individual with a total lack of accountability in their repertoire. I trust Dr Carter and SIR GUS! Keep it Healthy!
I had to stop predicting or agreeing to things. Life has become uncertain, unpredictable, and subject to the projections of others.
It is a very difficult time. The "haves" really don't understand the "have nots".
I am not certain that I can trust like I used to. I could give examples.......
Agreed unfortunately.
Ya, shit happens.