Another indicator is when the person gossips. If the person is talking about someone else to you, chances are good he or she is talking about you to another person.
Yep and gossip like psychopaths exist because of our evolution both are essential to the well being of the tribe so to speak! Most don’t understand the theories but both are widely available to explore! Also everyone lies!
1. Superficial personal responses 2. Inability to learn from mistakes 3. Lots of unsolicited advice but don't receive input 4. Easily critical 5. Evasive about plans 6. Fair weather friends 7. Consistent inconsistency 8. Characterised by mismanagement of anger 9. Don't return kindness, empathy, tho' like to receive it 10. Like to talk about their successes but don't reveal or take responsibility for their failures.
@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and TH-camrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?
@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person. You've my vote of confidence.
Bingo. People who are aggressive in asking questions, and do it as if they are just so interested in you. But when you pay attention, you realize they quickly brush off questions - brusquely.
Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.
@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️
I think if people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then part of the fallout is a lack of trust, which is due to the narcissist's gaslighting and predatorial behavior!
I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!
Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.
Sometimes a person's past can make a difference. If they have trusted the wrong person or people they become guarded. They are nice people but they have been hurt many times. Trust should be earned and not taken for granted.
Less said the better unless and until you feel pretty sure they can be trusted. It takes a lot for me to open up anymore, after a lifetime of being too trusting.
When someone has been misunderstood long enough, they figure out how to stop sharing personal information. It doesn't mean they are not trustworthy. It simply means they are learning who they feel safe to share with. Being evasive can be the same thing... they are trying not cause an explosion.
I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!
The indicators I look for are - are they a gossip - do they talk negatively about others? Because the minute your back is turned is the minute they are gossiping about you too. They don't own their own shortcomings but blame others for their own actions. They have a lot to say about what others aren't doing while sitting in the cheap seats doing a lot of nothing.
People who cannot earn my trust are: 1# those who break their promises; 2# those who donot take responsibility for their behaviour and actions; 3# those who use goodness of others; 4# those who do others harm; 5# those who spread naughty lies about nice and good people with aim to hide their real nature Some of them are only immature and some of them are unfortunately narcissists. Dr. Carter, thanks for this up-coming interesting theme!
I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!
I find competitive people untrustworthy. They are constantly looking to one up or sabotage you. If they aren’t successful with that, then they degrade out of jealousy.
Some people are gossips and busybodies. My personal life, my plans, etc are none of their business. I found that they just want to know my business to get info for gossiping. When they press me for personal info, I shut them down by asking,”Why do you want to know?”
That only count for some people! Most people go totally off track by gut feelings!!! I am very much always honest! Even with compliments, I only give them when I mean them! So not often, but when I do, you know I mean it and not just polite! Yet I am often accused of lying! And people who are obviously lying are taken for grantted saying the truth! I did tests by being consciously be dishonest, lie! I my mind and on purpose, I exaggerated, so it should be obvious I was lying, just to test the other persons whether they could see the lie! In very much all cases they believed the lie!!! And when I normally speak, lots of times people choose not to believe me! Very frustrating! And the tests results? Even more frustrating! And bizar! Why? Because I do a test! And when they taken the bait and believe the lie, I open up and tell them it was a test and I lied! And then? They assume the explanation about the test is the lie!!!!! SO much for gut feelings!!! people are so used to be lied to that the lie feels safe and the truth feels strange somehow!! That is my hypothesis! People trust people not on how good or honest they are! people trust people based on common traits! So if you are an evil person and have certain preferences of evil traits and you see somebody having the same traits, you trust that person more than somebody who not have those!!! Because you think you can anticipate on that behavior! You think you can predict the steps of that person and that makes somebody reliable and thus trustworthy! But with evilness that is just not true of course, but the feeling is strong and thus the gut feeling!!! You search for soulmates in your unconsciousness!!! That decides the trustworthiness of someone, not honesty!
I don’t tell people my business. That’s how I am. And I don’t answer questions from strangers. If you are trying to get to know me by asking all kinds of questions about me, it isn’t going to go well. I hate when someone approaches me and tries to ask many personal questions. But when I turn it around on them and say “tell me about you” and ask them questions they are never comfortable with that. I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me and I let people know me in degrees. It is best for me.
In my experiences, I have learned to watch and listen to the people around you. Over time, you'll learn who they are and who you can trust. I like the comment someone said, I let them learn about me in degrees.
I have to be very short in my answers when it comes to my narcissistic family. They're waiting to find something to gossip about. It's not what I long for but after years of being detailed in conversation I now realize it was in my own ignorance because it was a way to go back and report to other family members. Unfortunately it has made me avoid them all. I do not want myself or my husband and children being analyzed so short is sweet.❤❤❤❤
Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...
We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.
They never engage in full-on gossip but blurt-out nasty comments about other family members or "friends" and then carry on like nothing nasty was said. This is the red flag that I ignored.
I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.
It's important to not conflate a private personality with untrustworthiness. I'm an introvert who likes to hold his cards close to the best until I feel I can trust someone.
Exactly And a lot of people don’t like that. Especially if they want something from you... If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.
Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.
You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.
I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment. When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.
It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?
It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.
The Unsolicited advice one and the Critical ones are spot on! These people may seem wise and very helpful at first, but after a while you realize they don't have good intentions.
Yes but couldn’t a person that’s been mistreated as a kid be hesitant to disclose a lot of their feelings for fear of being exploited, manipulated or abused again? It’s so confusing because a lot of behaviors are a result of being exposed to toxic people. Thanks Dr. C 🙏✌️
Dr. Les Carter true! But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist - Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅
Z C But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes- There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no? Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot. I have lol 😅
No but if it is your long time partner or your spouse that does not want to share personal details with you that could seem odd. A husband and wife should know everything about each other, especially if they have been together for many years.
@@susanmcguire4664 I agree with your point for the situation you've described, but the video does imply it's about making a decision whether to trust someone you're getting to know rather than spotting someone already deeply involved in your inner circle is up to no good.
True & good point. But real relationships require trust, and that develops with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I think he is referring to friends not acquaintances, discerning who should be which
The trouble is, I’ve known people who come around when you’ve got a problem because they simply want to know what is going on! They’re nosey about your life, but won’t allow you to know about their life! And once you’ve told them what they want to know, you don’t see them again until the next time they’re being nosey!!!! 🙏🙏🙏
My X narcissist always answered a question I brought to him with a question ....so frustrating and twisted...a great way to avoid answering by changing the topic and redirecting the conversation. I did finally catch on to this tactic. I went grey rock without even knowing that was what I was doing. This saved my sanity and my life in the end.
It makes us explain ourselves even more. They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse. Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.
Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.
@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU. Why Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem. The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going.. These ppl just ugh
They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.
not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?
I've also been a victim of "foul weather friends". They come into your life when you have a problem and they want to empathize and help you solve it. However, they never reveal anything about themselves or let you help them with their troubles. Once your problem is "solved", they move on to the next person who needs their "help". You think you're making a friend when in reality you're just their current project.
Those types are codependents. They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children. Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.
@@Flyfreenow I really don't think so. I've been thwarted again and again in my attempts to offer help and friendship to them, or just becoming closer to them. Obviously it's my opinion, but I sincerely think that I have found them getting involved without my asking for their help; offering unsuccessfully to be there for them; and then totally disappearing to go onto the next needy person. If I'm a taker, I'm a very grateful one, and ready to reciprocate.
Dear Anne, I have no words to express my gratitude for your comments! "Foul weather friends" - so there is a name for it! Oh my God! A few years ago I met a woman, who is exactly as you described!!! I am a natural giver, I just like people, I know how to be grateful and how to reciprocate all the good things I receive. I used to be, sadly, mostly surrounded by exploitative people, narcissists. And then I met her via our mutual acquaintance. She was very exceptional... she got quickly involved in supporting me (I suffer from PTSD) and helping me (her career is mental health care related). She was doing it completely for free for a long time, investing tons of her time in me. I wanted to reciprocate it, and help her, since she struggled with some things I mastered in my profession. And then I realized something was very wrong about her reactions. She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't grateful. Each and every idea I presented to her to improve her things got ditched, rejected and ... it was done by her to the point of self-sabotage! Pure insanity! I never tried to force her to anything or manipulate or control her, and she was doing the opposite to was I was suggesting as an experienced professional. I started to feel insulted by her behaviour. It's as if my effort, my ideas, my knowledge were completely worthless. And she was ultra secretive about her life. She revealed a few "problems" she had in her private life, but ... things didn't add up at all. What she said made no sense. At some point, somewhere in the middle of our situationship, I offered her my friendship.... and her reaction ashamed me deeply. She expressed discomfort and said, that well, maybe some day in the future. I thought I did some major faux pas or something. I truly believed I was making a friend... I could not comprehend WHY she spent so much time and effort on me, and in the same time didn't want me as a friend. The end of that situation was me going No Contact with her. Constant cognitive dissonance made me physically ill. And that was interesting thing - once I got ill, she became unavailable, even if she knew I got ill. She ghosted me. After a few attempts to contact her, she gave me a lame excuse, then she lied, then she tried to gaslight me, and then I realized that enough is enough. It was a shocking situation. I've never met before a toxic giver!
After many years of marriage I quit talking about most of my feelings because my husband would use all info as ammunition during any argument. He of course became empty too as he did more and more of that which he did not wish me to know about. We divorced. This talk is also about the loss of trust in a marriage as these steps you go through happen in slow motion over years.
My entire childhood family can’t be trusted and I have some issues being trustworthy (according to this video) I’m here to work on this! Thank you Dr.! I need to teach my children healthy relationship by being a good example.
Among many untrustworthy people, there are a few worthy of trust. I want to be a trustworthy person with dignity. Thank you always for your advice, Dr. Carter!
Often we do not notice any of these signs when being in a relationship with someone But how they behave towards others can tell you a lot about them Look at how they treat waiters at restaurants, how they empathize with poor or sick people, how they treat their employees, how they treat children and elders Don't convince yourself they will be always good to you even if they treat other people badly Sooner or later they can say/do to you all the same nasty things they say/do to others
It works both ways. Don’t assume that because they treat everyone else well that they will be the same with you. It’s part of their desire to appear to be a good person so that you will look like the one with the problem
This just reaffirmed my thoughts on one individual. A lady I know is very surface level. Superficial. Material things, money is a big thing with her and looks mainly name brands she loves. But it doesn't go much deeper than that. No real empathy ever shown. She is super friendly and at first seems like a nice person. But I've spent enough time to think otherwise. It's very Superficial niceness. I don't disclose much about myself to her because I had a feeling she wasn't trust worthy. She also gives unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice. She told me one time that I should tell people everything about myself because then you get a lot of feedback. I think she was trying to get me to reveal things about myself but it didn't work. Nobody needs to know everything about me unless I feel the need to do so.
The words that woke me came out of the mouth of the narcissist that had abused me for a lifetime. He said nonchalantly and conversationally, “you’ve always wanted to be me.” To say that it blew me away is an understatement but at that moment it woke me and set me free. I’ve been recovering since that day.
One my narcs said "I wish you were more like me." He gave me a meaningful look, as if to say "You'd better take my advice now, before it's too late." You can probably imagine what I said in reply.
It is annoying when people at work ask how your weekend was and expect you to give a decent answer. It is work time and not random chit chat time. Also can be friendly but need to maintain professional boundaries. With close friends I do enjoy this question and outside of work time. Also not being open about what you have been upto can also be a self esteem thing - if you don’t think people will find it interesting or weren’t asking genuinely. In NZ asking someone how they are and what they have been upto is a pleasantry and it’s awkward if someone throws a curveball and says “I’m not doing well and this is what I did with my time”. Average answer is along the lines of “Good and nothing much”.
Thank you dr Carter. There are people who can not be trusted, they only exploit others and they must be avoided but sometimes they just will not leave you alone as they feel entitled to do whatever they find expedient. You feel like a prey they are eating alive and marvelling at the process. Terrible!
That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!
There are two kinds of people in the arena of conversation: complainers seeking problems and people seeking solutions. Those seeking solutions will listen to you. Those complainers are not looking for solutions. Everything is divided into two things: the make wrong people and the validators. The make wrong people don’t look for solutions. The validators are those who seek solutions. Then there are those people who like and dislike you. Those who like you care deeply and have a tendency to listen to you and validate what you speak of. Those who don’t like you will always find something wrong and anything you say will not resonate with you or them. The simple things I keep in mind is what I learned in scripture. Otherwise it just turns into verbal olympics. “ How can two walk together if they are not agreed?” A cat will never bark and a dog will never meow and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. With those people you have to make a determination as to whether it’s worth the time to engage in meaningful conversation that will either build a relationship or just be a “just passing through” type of relationship.
they lie, or don't respond to direct questions with direct answers; they change the subject (deflect), shift blame, act aggrieved or deny/play dumb/stonewall. they don't look you in the eyes (and they are not autistic). One I am very familiar with is that they make "suggestions", or "imply" things without saying what they mean explicitly, aka guessing games. I'm not sure how many that adds up to, but I am too familiar with those indicators. Also - if they've lied, stolen, cheated in the past (more than a white lie) - they definitely can not be trusted!
Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.
@@sheilajac I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.
This is not always true.. and is misleading! Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again
@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.
@@truthh8597you are absolutely right. I don't have friends like when i was younger, but its ok because everyone is not your friend. I've found out that a lot of females were jealous of me back then. My main friends has always been guys, and sometimes they are shady.
I had to stop predicting or agreeing to things. Life has become uncertain, unpredictable, and subject to the projections of others. It is a very difficult time. The "haves" really don't understand the "have nots". I am not certain that I can trust like I used to. I could give examples.......
I'm on the fence about someone being too personal. I myself at times doesn't know what immediate plans I'll be having on the weekend. So my answer is usually the same I don't know.
Abusers don't interact or share anything they take lie cheat bully and want to waste your time and attention to them.give it to yourself.give self time.investment.learning and listening to your inner ear.your voice.not an abuser drowns it out.all the vest to you all and Dr led and yours.happy independence day pending.
Excellent validation of my instincts. I've noticed you can't trust people who don't trust people also. They just can't imagine others doing and or saying the right thing, the truth.
Straight into the rude angry, ranting bs is the real cue. They ALWAYS have an opinion about everyone and everything and blame every wrong done to them by all others!!! Really the whole world
No. 6 is debatable and highly dependent on individual situations. Contrary to what you suggested; there are many people who will deliberately show up ONLY when you’re in a difficult situation just to quietly celebrate your suffering as a way to make themselves feel better about their own screwed up lives. These people can also be predatory opportunists seeking to exploit your PERCEIVED vulnerabilities and they often thrive on Schadenfreude. Something to be aware of when people flock to “help you”
Openness in general was a problem with my ex. I really didn't know who he was on the inside. It's difficult to trust someone then. Also, a quarrel was an immediate reason to end the relationship. Nothing was deeply discussed. No interest in my feelings.
I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything. I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate. She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her. She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort. This is not her mother's era.
It is amazing how many people sadly have this level of/in almost every relationship. When I meet "real" people, people who are exactly like they are, I hold on tightly to those friendships and relatives and have for decades! I can count exactly how many of those trustworthy relationships I cherish. Thank you for this video Dr. Carter.
Sometimes you cant open up to people about things . One time I was in a bible talk group setting and when the older couple who were leading the group asked us to open up about a topic in our church. So I freely opened up because I trusted this older couple who were leading the group. After the discussion was over she stands up and walks in front of me and my friend and said that he is more spiritual than me. I was like wow never again will I be vulnerable to this group. Im still in the group but Im being very discreet about anything which is very sad . I do open up but to people that i could trust. Sometimes opening up to manipulated people could do more harm than good.
In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.
My God! All 4 of those type of people are all around me! They are not the type of people I want in my life, it's sometimes like I'm a magnet for them. This is why I chose to back away from all people, I don't have the time to waist on them and I can't tell who's who without time. They want me to be who they want me to be. I spent many years with that. They're never satisfied, even if you change.
Great points thank you😊Sounds like traits of the narcissist. People get defensive when that word comes up but that mental illness is so prevalent today😐
I am grateful for you Dr. C. Thank you for teaching us how we may navigate difficult relationship dynamics while preserving, or repairing, our personal dignity. You are one of my top Spiritual and Mental mentors. Sending Love and Hugs to you and our Dr. C family of seekers here. 🥰🤗🦋🧘💞😃😊
that's not true. There is no reason to overshare Which is a character flaw) if you think others can use it against you. I watch who gossips and stand back and watch not feeling the need to interject much unless someone asks. Even then, I am not obliged to share if I don't feel comfortable.
Thank You Dr. Carter. I think it could benefit a person to take a closer of themself. I'm 75 years old and I am certainly open to taking a closer look at who I thought I was and who I am. I also enjoying reading comments from your readers
Dr. C., # 6. OK, let's keep things shallow, I'm catching on. PRICELESS! Thank you for bringing understanding to the vagueness. That clears up ALOT! Then. 🙁 Now. ☺
I hope you know just how INCREDIABLY helpful you are!!!! Videos like this not only have saved my life but helping me learn how to finally enjoy my life after 44 years!!!!! Ty from the bottom of my heart 😃
For those who have been through a narcisistic relationship, some of this won't be exactly on the mark within that situation. One of the key signs for someone who has that trait is a VERY high interest in learning all about you, every detail possible and seem like they are very open and a great listener. But they are just gathering ammo for future conversations and it will absolutely be used against you. So I'm much more cautious now before sharing deeply personal things until there is some evidence of a trustworthy and balanced individual.
"Crisis reveals character" hell yeah! And the people who step up to the plate, are willing to listen and support, are often not the ones you thought would be there. Its an eye opener.
I started to feel sick thinking back throughout my life and the controllers and I feel like I constantly have to remind myself my feelings are my own and I hear my No , but the narcissist doesn’t hear No if they don’t want to at all My body , my choice No means No
“And the food is good 😂! I got a good laugh from your comment, Dr. Carter. You took the sting out of a situation that doesn’t deserve my compassion. Thank you for always sharing more than you commit yourself to. God bless you.
Dr. Carter, I looove the topics you have been addressing recently. The podcast on narcissism also helped, but once the narcissist is gone, I found one needs further help to navigate life successfully. So, thank you!
I just saw a video yesterday about the MRI of people who have childhood post-traumatic stress syndrome which showed their brains are triggered by the stress of getting ready. The emotional side of their brain gets more active and the rational part gets less active. That's why they are chronically LATE.
Wonderful video. Testing by your own gauge! Love it. It’s the inner man that we through trust and being trusted that brings true fellowship and unity. Like a child’s trust. Awesome!!
I have a dear old friend I just recently ran into after 30 years. She did really well and made a good life for herself. Part of her job was being in HR and I often felt like I was being interviewed by her when we were talking. But I noticed she didn't say much about herself. She is a good person, I feel like I can trust her but she has a lot of the traits you have discussed. Maybe she's just smart and learned how to button up. What you don't say can't hurt you. I'm a waterfall and an open book, I could probably learn a little something from her😬😁 but I do know what you mean on the other hand I had a friend that said, " you know I don't like to explain myself ". Just before he remarried his ex-wife who I didn't even know he even liked again although my "Spidey Sense" somewhere knew. Now that there is untrustworthy. That situation was probably one of the most painful things I've ever gone through with someone but it has turned out to be one of the biggest lessons. I was too naive, I didn't open my eyes when it came to people, trust me, my eyes are wide open now.
Lying. To me. Manipulating, stealing, and looking past people because they count. Even when a person looks dead bang wrong, are we jumping on them? Empathy. Somebody with a good heart I'll go with every time.
Excellent, Dr. C! Thank you. I was particularly struck by the unsolicited advice portion. I find people who give unsolicited advice to YOU and expect you to follow it but don't follow the same advice for THEMSELVES are not trustworthy.
Fair weather friends 💯 Dr. C, especially parasitic type of relationships… we are friends when it benefits me type of mentality. People are not tools in a toolbox to pick up when you need a particular thing. I’d also add someone who smiles ALL the time, even when it’s not appropriate. Another trait I’ve noticed is fence riders; those who would rather everyone like them instead of having an objective opinion and loyalty. There is a quote I like that says, those who stand for everything stand for nothing. This video is great for those of us who are learning to trust again after being severely scorned. Thank you!
Don't reveal everything at once watch weight and see how long it takes they can manipulate you from the beginning and if you're in it deep enough you won't see it until it's too late listen to your intuition no matter what if it doesn't smell sound fit feel taste or look right you know what it may not be right you might need to do your homework thank you Dr c for this one I appreciate you I wish this video would have been around 10 years ago wouldn't be in the misplaced jaded spot I'm in now now I won't trust people because I know all of those indicators have happened to me and now I stay way way away from people it's bad but I'm starting to move outward this video is going to help me do that thank you again I hope you have a good holiday may you and your family be blessed and I was talking about Gus and any other four legged furry once you might have around there family family right?
@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.
Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more. This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!
Thanks, Dr. Carter, another great video! PLEASE do a follow up video on how best to deal with this kind of person, especially if it is someone like a family member that you simply can not avoid being around. ❤
This is by far the best advice and wisdom i've ever watched and heard. It makes me see that all the people in my life have been untrustworthy friends and foe even sadly my spouse who only this weekdnd flat out lied to my face. Now trust has gone and i'm in a position as to where to go from here. He cannot even admit his lies or mistakes, totally incapable of saying sorry either or giving any explanation or apology just sent some flowers and expects me to forget. Actually goes radio silence for days in the hopes I will forget. When youre in these things you cant see them either. I've been with my husband for 11 years so what do I do? And even if i leave and start again its also a question of finding someone else trust worthy. And there are not that many!
Hmmm, I think there are a LOT of exceptions to these "rules". Maybe this "untrustworthy" person is actually quite trustworthy, but because of the acts they suffered from the untrustworthy people in their lives they are now very guarded with what they trust others with. 🤔 Also, because of human imperfection, we can all do something in our lives that might make even the person we trusted most, do something that feels to us like they have broken our trust. "Trustworthy" most often is a relative and ambiguous term, and a deeper "look" into each individual is needed to make a "judgement", and more wise decision as to what we might want to trust them with.
I totally agree with you. This is also why I am having a bit of issues with some of the examples given by that channel, as it seems to try to want to paint a picture which may not entirely be accurate of the other person. I get that yes, we may strive to be decent, civilized and respectful people, but it can slip at times. And we may just as well be the "narcissist" of somebody else for all we know.
Yes exactly! But if someone wants something from you, they’re not gonna do that lol What I can never figure out is why people wouldn’t want to just know you for you. It seems there’s always an angle, or a reason or something someone wants. Or they see you a certain way or some convoluted deal- Most likely they don’t seem to just want to get to know you just because you’re a human being. It’s either Can I have sex with u? Do you have money? What are you offering? Oh- just cus you’re a human being with feelings and aspirations and dreams? - oh .. lol - meh.
@@SBecktacular I think I have a little explanation to your "why" question. When you first meet that person, who you want to be represented as isn't what the person takes away from you, and, depending of their state of mind, their agenda, or even, how they feel about themselves in comparison to you, it becomes this projected image of who you seem to be for them. This is why some people feel disappointed when someone who seemed supportive suddenly aren't. It isn't a question of blame, and sometimes, it may just as well be a boundary thing, but what does the person whose reality has been shattered do? Well, they become emotional and entitled, but it doesn't make them a narcissist. I used to follow those channels because I believed that Dr.C was trying to give people a sense of self, but all of the videos that go on examples feel like praying on people's fears and leaving them in it. For all we know, the 20% you think you know about a person, even behavior wise, could be wrongly assumed to be narcissistic, and it may actually be a real struggle and issue that they are having with themselves that they think you to be capable of understanding. I am not going to say that some people aren't narcissistic, but I am more akin to say that some actions are narcissistic, more than just the person being one. Separate the behavior from the person. it's much better for you in the end. I lament the sheer number of people who learn of emotional maturity, clear communication, and boundaries at a later age, because this leaves them with deep issues that only therapy may help them with.
I don't think we should find reasons for vague, closed off behaviour. If someone has a problem with being open, they should seek counselling. It's not on us to be their therapist or enabler.
@@karolinagren5846 It may then be best to avoid these videos, as they seem to find reasons for vague, closed off behavior, as you wrote it, or maybe avoid therapy alltogether, as they, too, rely heavily on the information you that provide, compassion, empathy, reframing, and active listening, to make an assessment of who you are and what may ail you, and some therapists can be just as closed off in their behavior as you express it. I am not sure that we need to diminish one's willingness to assist someone else out of some perceived justification and calling them "vague reasons", as some people can be insightful and perceptive to another's situation, while some therapists may be more dangerous to this same scenario. Besides, not everyone is well attuned to their own internal emotions, and this, too, can be learned through someone who isn't a therapist, tempted they do it with self respect and boundaries in mind. In the end, it is up to the person to decide if they want to help and be an alternative to therapy.
Why does it seem like this just described just about everyone I know in one way or another. Due to these behaviors in the people around me, I've almost lost all faith in humanity itself
John 2:24 helped me. Trust God not man and then you'll know how to deal with everyone. Some need Grace, some need what only God can give so you can leave without guilt
Listening to what is being said and not said is key. Red flag is when you can tell the other person is not valuing you or any insight or information you bring to a conversation. First conversation to express what you’ve noticed, feel, and then gauge if they understand your perspective and the response is all about how they feel? Then suddenly end the friendship and block you instead of having that conversation? Did they only enter my life so I could support them, or until you catch on, that this is not a genuine two way considerate relationship/ friendship? Healthy people that value you as well can have those conversations. And see from someone else’s perspective and usually communicate to keep things healthy for both sides.
That’s the $64,000 question we need to ask ourselves tho isn’t it? Like with everyone we’ve ever known or met. “HOW FAR can I trust this person?” The idea that we somehow have to trust people so fully and implicitly at first sight. Just right away or else we are just some kind of antisocial jerk. If we don’t always extend this kind of benefit of the doubt then we can be accused of things like not being friendly or just hating people or being socially backwards or paranoid etc. Not even knowing that it’s ok to make others earn that trust. And that we really SHOULD make people earn trust with us. A person growing up in such abuse doesn’t even realize they can actually choose HOW FAR to go with anyone and everyone. It was a learning curve for me to just know I had all these “how far?” options. That I could mete things out little by little with people if I so chose. Or I could walk away or not share at all with some. That I was not at all obliged to be like this open book with everyone right away or just HAVE to trust them as if it was this kind of debt I somehow “owed” all of humanity. And abusers are very keen on all this “you can trust me” kind of BS. I’d say the number one thing is those folks who verbalize it a lot like that (like look at me...I’m so trustworthy etc) and those who get upset when you won’t just be an open book with them. Screw that. Lol. It was the day I learned how all my obligatory oversharing and all this extending so much benefit of the doubt to so many folks was really a trauma response to all the abuse I was raised in. We also do not “owe” anyone all this “benefit of the doubt” stuff either. Screw that too. Lol. So if I hold back and I go very slow with folks, I have far better odds of seeing who I can trust and who I can’t trust. It’s better to get your toe bit that to find yourself shark bit in the abdomen. Bcuz dipping my toe in and testing the waters first makes a lot more sense than diving in whole hog right away when I don’t really yet know what’s all up in the water. Plus stopping all that ignoring of my gut when it goes off like “you really can’t trust this person tho.” Plus we might often get accused of “judging” someone else. Idc tho. One really HAS to judge everyone they come across tho or else you just become someone else’s prey or the odds go way up that a shark will take advantage of your false guilt for not “judging” them. Plus who doesn’t judge? We also are being judged (often too harshly) by others as well. So it’s not like we are the only humans who have ever judged anyone in our own minds. And for me my mind is off limits. I have a right to choose what goes on in there and nobody should be telling me what or how to think in my own head. I’ll “judge” all I want to up in my own head Bcuz that is my only sacred space really. And fact is that abusers love to call this “judging” when really it is just discernment. It seems odd now to go on and on like this but I guess being raised in such a narc vortex like that makes it rather necessary to put such things on repeat until they finally sink in for me and to split the smallest of hairs with it and get the utmost clarity on the subject as is humanly possible. Plus trusting the wrong folks all the time too much erodes our own self trust as well. I finally got very much ok with the idea that I really don’t HAVE to trust just anyone and that they are never just “owed” this sort of thing from me and if they don’t like it, well tough titties then. Lol.
And Bcuz of the nature of narcissism anyways. It’s really like this overstepping kind of intrusive attempted mind twisting they do. And they def often refer to such things as cult like brainwashing ya know. As if they have some special rights to tell ME how I’m supposed to think. They impose their own sick thoughts onto us all the time. Or at least try to. It absurd tho, and they are not entitled to that space. It doesn’t belong to them and they have no business trying to be all up in there. The space inside my own head which belongs to only me (well also and God but most def they have no business trying to get all up in my own private head space tho). And yet so often WE were the ones walking away from interactions with them feeling like WE were so wrong to just try and defend our own minds against their aggressive and thieving intrusions. We were told how we were so awful when they were the ones grossly overstepping where they did not ever belong. So I for one am reclaiming my own mind. They just need to go on and gtfo of my personal headspace.
Everything you said is spot on, and It's something I can identify with a lot. Don't feel bad about needing to restate things to yourself, I am the same way. I think some of it has to do with trying to unlearn old unhealthy ways of thinking and seeing. It's especially hard if you don't have an actual support network of healthy people who don't resort to abuse or manipulation. You're very right, we should at least be careful of how much we tell until we've seen enough of the person to make that call if they are someone that's genuine & trustworthy or if they are toxic. Everyone has insecurities, but narcs are the ones that take it out on others.
I can't even count the number of times that somebody has yelled at me about their faults when what they are doing is putting their problems on me. There are lots of people that keep having the same failures but never learn.
Beware of people who ask too many personal questions early on, but share little if anything about themselves. Likely they’re looking for easy ways to use you.
When narcissists ask you what you are doing next weekend, they take your I dont know as a free access to your time. Of course they have no right to dictate what you do next weekend, not even declare they will come hang out with you. It is nobodys business what you do next weekend but yours. I try avoid saying I dont know, but I often dont make plans. You know your narcissists, if they still are allowed around you, you decide the allowing. It is just creepy with the pushyness, the invasiveness, the sudden plans, the sudden ditchings, the sudden narc mood changes, weekend with narcs or waiting for narcs, can be more stressful than workdays. Not a moment of peace and freedom. You do not need those jazzed up people in your life. A good book. Birds singing in the trees. Alone. That's peace.
1. Superficial with personal disclosures 2. Inability to learn from their mistakes 3. Give lots of unsolicited advice 4. Easily critical 5. Generally evasive, coy, vague 6. Being a fair-weather friend 7. Consistent inconsistencies 8. Mismanagement of anger 8. They make like affection or affirmation but they are not encouraging or kind in general 10. Unwilling to discuss personal failures
Not sure how to explain this to be the most clear, let's just say that most people that are untrustworthy will tell you about it, you just gotta know what to look out for, this video gives very good queues as to what to look for. The reason these people don't engage in personal talk, in exposing or discussing mistakes or vulnerabilities is because they are looking to exploit those from you, and they have realized that if they don't display any, then they can't fall victim to the game they intent to play with other perceived weak individuals. So the main defense is, be strong, look strong, pass the tests(they will want to test for the vulnerabilities they intent to use, it is usually quite obvious) that way they won't want to play with you, since they are only after vulnerable(perceived) people they can boss around and exploit. If you aren't sure and kinda like the person anyways, what I generally do is open one of my vulnerabilities that are known of me or well dealt with and give it to them as a toy to see what they're going to do with it. If they use it in an effort to gain control or harm me, then babye. You will often see that once you open the bag, they will want to see what else is in there without volunteering anything in return, that is generally a big red flag, they're fact finding in order to use it against you. If, on the other hand, they appear to be understanding and in return share some of theirs with me, then we can move up to the next level. Now, that doesn't mean full trust, just another level deeper into the getting to know one another. Hope this helped, I wish you all the best.
I wanted to thank you for the suggestion regarding the idea of putting out only something that is a small but real vulnerability to see how they treat that info. I will have to try to remember it. I had such a 'friend' who wanted to ask me all about what I'm thinking and doing etc, but says "I don't like to talk about myself" anytime I asked for the same things in kind from him. Big mistake with getting involved with him.
Another indicator is when the person gossips. If the person is talking about someone else to you, chances are good he or she is talking about you to another person.
You can count on it.♥️👽
Yep and gossip like psychopaths exist because of our evolution both are essential to the well being of the tribe so to speak! Most don’t understand the theories but both are widely available to explore! Also everyone lies!
Exactly!
@@pinchebruha405 Gossip is SIN, according to the Bible, regardless of any explanation or excuse the sinner gives for it.
This
1. Superficial personal responses
2. Inability to learn from mistakes
3. Lots of unsolicited advice
but don't receive input
4. Easily critical
5. Evasive about plans
6. Fair weather friends
7. Consistent inconsistency
8. Characterised by mismanagement of anger
9. Don't return kindness, empathy, tho' like to receive it
10. Like to talk about their successes but don't reveal or take responsibility for their failures.
Thanks for that, I wanted to write them down, because my ex had many of the characteristics.
This describes much of my family, Lord help me. I pray I am trustworthy. I believe I am, but if this is where I come from how could I be decent?
@@uke7084 we each choose who we want to be. You don't have to be like your family ... we leave the past behind and practice better habits. Honesty, loyalty, fairness and other good qualities are a choice. I choose integrity. Yeshua/Jesus and the Bible have been great teachers to me, and also noting other people's good management of difficulties, and TH-camrs Dr Carter, Dr Ramani for narcissistic abuse and Anna Runkel for overcoming the bad habits we developed if abused in childhood. Who do you want to be?
unsolicited advice
@@uke7084 Questioning your own virtue is a sign of a healthy mind. Keep reviewing yourself. Do your deeds match your words? Earn your own trust. If you are true to yourself, chances are you will be true to others. Your background may have influenced you but you are your own person.
You've my vote of confidence.
When someone wants to know all about you, yet won't reciprocate. Very one-sided.
Bingo. People who are aggressive in asking questions, and do it as if they are just so interested in you. But when you pay attention, you realize they quickly brush off questions - brusquely.
Or what if they tell you all about themselves, but aren't interested in your stuff?
Runaway!
I don't just tell anybody my business
They're trying to find something to start a issue with
They don’t value your time, only their own!
I agree. Getting the impression that your time and effort is disposable, and is being ‘managed’ for you is debilitating.
@@stuporman75 They want to control everything and everyone!
Yes! So many times they intentionally made me late and I had to deal with the negativity that produced. I am very proud of always being on time and mindful of other folks' schedule.
@@janetstonerook4552 Brought back a memory of when we only had one car! I explained to him I had to go to the kids Elementary school to answer phones in morning! He got back so late, by the time I got there, my time would of been over! He said he ran into someone he knew that wouldn’t stop talking! He was the one that wouldn’t stop talking! They always shift the blame onto someone else! 😎❤️
My dad does this, I am no-contact with him and for other reasons. I deserve better than him for a father!
“A friend cannot be known in prosperity: and an enemy cannot be hidden in adversity.”
❤
Wise words
I think if people have been subjected to narcissistic abuse, then part of the fallout is a lack of trust, which is due to the narcissist's gaslighting and predatorial behavior!
I can agree with that, I’m still struggling with that lately. However, if you want to make new friends you have to be vulnerable to a degree.
I think you're right and I take every opportunity with genuinely friendly people, but as Dr. C implied (discernment), you can't afford to let these predatorial narcissists inside your head! If I told people what these narcissists had got up to, they'd be incredulous, which I think is something narcissists are dependent on!
Very true! 👍
Yes and that leads you to have more privacy as person for protection
Predatorial behavior will always destroy trust. It’s human nature to fight off predators, so our guts are naturally built to detect it as early as we are four year old. Covert narcissists are predators.
Sometimes a person's past can make a difference. If they have trusted the wrong person or people they become guarded. They are nice people but they have been hurt many times. Trust should be earned and not taken for granted.
YES
Too much betrayal leads to shut down
I totally agree !
There's nothing wrong with being cautious.
Less said the better unless and until you feel pretty sure they can be trusted. It takes a lot for me to open up anymore, after a lifetime of being too trusting.
Okay, I knew there were more people than me that felt this way too. The situation is real!👍
When someone has been misunderstood long enough, they figure out how to stop sharing personal information. It doesn't mean they are not trustworthy. It simply means they are learning who they feel safe to share with. Being evasive can be the same thing... they are trying not cause an explosion.
I became guarded after a narc bandmate and a "best" friend, who turned out to be a deceptive criminal drunk, put me through the wringer. I had noticed that being pretty much an open book, perhaps overly forthright, has saved me alot of hassle in some ways and created problems in others. So, I've been thinking over, how do I become both open and safe? I'm still sorting, but I think I have some good ideas on how to do this. I am looking for guidelines!
Over five decades in a narc family has left me feeling the same way.
🤷🏻♂️
Still looking for clarity on this.
Good luck on your journey.
@@tiredperson6574
Excellent metaphor.
I'll have to use that.
👍😎
@@sage9836 Read Dr. George Simon In Sheep's Clothing. I recommend radical authenticity. I read about it somewhere and it seems to work.
Everything you say can and will be used against you. Ask Jesus.
The indicators I look for are - are they a gossip - do they talk negatively about others? Because the minute your back is turned is the minute they are gossiping about you too. They don't own their own shortcomings but blame others for their own actions. They have a lot to say about what others aren't doing while sitting in the cheap seats doing a lot of nothing.
I've learned that you find out who your real friends are when moving
Or when broken down on the side of the road
People who cannot earn my trust are:
1# those who break their promises;
2# those who donot take responsibility for their behaviour and actions;
3# those who use goodness of others;
4# those who do others harm;
5# those who spread naughty lies about nice and good people with aim to hide their real nature
Some of them are only immature and some of them are unfortunately narcissists.
Dr. Carter, thanks for this up-coming interesting theme!
You'll find overlap between my comments on the video and what you list here! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Thanks for answer. Tomorrow I am listening to your video.
I like your list! I've had all of those done to me in the last few years. I'm also looking forward to this video because I guess I am naiive and need all the help I can get!
@@sheilajac Thank you! 🌞
Exactly Anesa! These are all of the reasons why my sister is not in my life. She is toxic.
When people tell you who they are, believe them.
Yes, the bear picture is cute.
@@elsagrace3893 Unless you can't trust them to tell the truth. People lie to snare others.
I So Believe that NOW.
I find competitive people untrustworthy. They are constantly looking to one up or sabotage you. If they aren’t successful with that, then they degrade out of jealousy.
I work with two such people.
@@RachelLWolfe Toxic workspace.
@@Misslotusification it can be. I've learned to keep to myself as much as possible.
That's so True.
This sounds like every single person, that is why I mostly keep to myself and have zero expectations
Some people are gossips and busybodies. My personal life, my plans, etc are none of their business. I found that they just want to know my business to get info for gossiping. When they press me for personal info, I shut them down by asking,”Why do you want to know?”
Some people talk to you so they can talk about you. Read this again.
TRUST your intuition, your gut feeling.
Very wise advice!
Oh Yes..Be it a dew weeks or several years...the reality comes out
Few not dew
That only count for some people! Most people go totally off track by gut feelings!!! I am very much always honest! Even with compliments, I only give them when I mean them! So not often, but when I do, you know I mean it and not just polite! Yet I am often accused of lying! And people who are obviously lying are taken for grantted saying the truth!
I did tests by being consciously be dishonest, lie!
I my mind and on purpose, I exaggerated, so it should be obvious I was lying, just to test the other persons whether they could see the lie!
In very much all cases they believed the lie!!! And when I normally speak, lots of times people choose not to believe me! Very frustrating! And the tests results? Even more frustrating! And bizar! Why? Because I do a test! And when they taken the bait and believe the lie, I open up and tell them it was a test and I lied! And then? They assume the explanation about the test is the lie!!!!! SO much for gut feelings!!! people are so used to be lied to that the lie feels safe and the truth feels strange somehow!! That is my hypothesis!
People trust people not on how good or honest they are! people trust people based on common traits!
So if you are an evil person and have certain preferences of evil traits and you see somebody having the same traits, you trust that person more than somebody who not have those!!! Because you think you can anticipate on that behavior! You think you can predict the steps of that person and that makes somebody reliable and thus trustworthy! But with evilness that is just not true of course, but the feeling is strong and thus the gut feeling!!!
You search for soulmates in your unconsciousness!!! That decides the trustworthiness of someone, not honesty!
That’s what it’s there for, to protect you.
I don’t tell people my business. That’s how I am. And I don’t answer questions from strangers. If you are trying to get to know me by asking all kinds of questions about me, it isn’t going to go well. I hate when someone approaches me and tries to ask many personal questions. But when I turn it around on them and say “tell me about you” and ask them questions they are never comfortable with that. I don’t want to know anything you don’t want to tell me and I let people know me in degrees. It is best for me.
Yes!!!
In my experiences, I have learned to watch and listen to the people around you. Over time, you'll learn who they are and who you can trust. I like the comment someone said, I let them learn about me in degrees.
I have to be very short in my answers when it comes to my narcissistic family. They're waiting to find something to gossip about.
It's not what I long for but after years of being detailed in conversation I now realize it was in my own ignorance because it was a way to go back and report to other family members.
Unfortunately it has made me avoid them all.
I do not want myself or my husband and children being analyzed so short is sweet.❤❤❤❤
When someone shows you they are willing to break laws, they are not trustworthy. Thank them for showing you who they truly are, then RUN.
Should take your advice...He’ll I should have taken all the red flags as a sign I was getting into something that was doomed before it should have started...I married a passive aggressive covert narcissist with an alcoholic problem...I sure can’t trust him any more since he has proved himself over and over again for 23 miserable years...
We could add that people who deliberately 'misunderstand' what you say and turn it into an argument about your integrity are toxic people to avoid too.
What if the goobermunt was ebil?
But I can't drive... 55
I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people.
They never engage in full-on gossip but blurt-out nasty comments about other family members or "friends" and then carry on like nothing nasty was said.
This is the red flag that I ignored.
I agree. Not liking someone can be fine, but whenever someone talks bad about someone behind their back but plays at being friends to their face, I run! That kind of behaviour breaks trust in an instant.
Exactly!
Being consistently gaslighted and invalidated is absolutely no bueno.
It's important to not conflate a private personality with untrustworthiness. I'm an introvert who likes to hold his cards close to the best until I feel I can trust someone.
Exactly
And a lot of people don’t like that.
Especially if they want something from you...
If you’re steady, and care about yourself enough to slow down and observe, some will start to treat you different because you didn’t follow their script.
I don’t trust you 🧐
Totally agree!! Over sharing can also be construed as violation of boundaries. Some people over share to get you to open up. I find people who over share not trustworthy.
Agreed.....
@@doctorartphd6463 I do agree as well. Revealing confidential personal information without having solid grounds to trust, compromises confidentiality.
Be guarded in all aspects of relationships ☺️ people are fickle.
Yeah:/ feels like a lifeless way to live
But you know what can you do
You can be open and see how it goes. Have the confidence that you can be okay if you are betrayed. Them betraying you if that happens is on them, then you move on. Be prepared that it will happen, take the knocks and keep going in your authentic self.
Until you find ones who are not.
Just because someone doesn't want to share personal doesn't mean they are not trustworthy.
I’m like that. I don’t reveal personal things about myself unless I trust others. They need to earn my trust. This doesn’t make me untrustworthy it speaks to my skills of discernment.
When you’ve been a scapegoat all of your life you learn some things about people.
@@Moonbunny55 you explained it perfectly .... twice !
It's my opinion that Dr C simply forgot to insert the relationship length function, or the "intimacy depth" into this lecture. Because that man painting your hallway CAN be trusted with paint, but are you married to him?
@@mikediamond353
I really hope that's the case.
I'm tired of feeling I'm damned when I do, and left out when I don't.
It depends on the nature of the relationship. It also depends on whether they hunt and sniff or throw out suggestions to see what information may come back to them from you if you respond to the suggestive cues. If they are trying to pull information out of you and share nothing real about themselves. They are likely untrustworthy.
sometimes they show up in a crisis with a hidden agenda, creating an obligation
Ya mean like this?
TH-cam:
_The Godfather Part 2 -- Senator's New Friend_
Lawyers
The Unsolicited advice one and the Critical ones are spot on! These people may seem wise and very helpful at first, but after a while you realize they don't have good intentions.
Yes but couldn’t a person that’s been mistreated as a kid be hesitant to disclose a lot of their feelings for fear of being exploited, manipulated or abused again?
It’s so confusing because a lot of behaviors are a result of being exposed to toxic people.
Thanks Dr. C 🙏✌️
Very true. But being wary doesn't mean you are untrustworthy! Dr. C
Dr. Les Carter true!
But I’ve heard other people say narcissists act wary lol
I guess you just have to pay attention to their behavior to know if they’re a narcissist -
Who wants to spend time on THAT!? 😅
@@SBecktacular the biggest indicator after two relationships with them, is the overly charming personality. It’s a good sign of manipulation.
Z C
But a big portion of them aren’t charming but a- holes-
There are a million flavors of the rainbow narcissists-no?
Yah charming-that’s how they lure u to the web lol
Sorry u went through that but I’m sure learned a lot.
I have lol 😅
Peoples body language gives early clues
Being private and not wanting to tell your business doesn’t mean you’re a snake in the grass
Agreed.
No but if it is your long time partner or your spouse that does not want to share personal details with you that could seem odd. A husband and wife should know everything about each other, especially if they have been together for many years.
@@susanmcguire4664 I agree with your point for the situation you've described, but the video does imply it's about making a decision whether to trust someone you're getting to know rather than spotting someone already deeply involved in your inner circle is up to no good.
Agreed
True & good point. But real relationships require trust, and that develops with emotional intimacy and vulnerability. I think he is referring to friends not acquaintances, discerning who should be which
The trouble is, I’ve known people who come around when you’ve got a problem because they simply want to know what is going on! They’re nosey about your life, but won’t allow you to know about their life! And once you’ve told them what they want to know, you don’t see them again until the next time they’re being nosey!!!! 🙏🙏🙏
I love the picture of the bear, that’s absolutely beautiful
My X narcissist always answered a question I brought to him with a question ....so frustrating and twisted...a great way to avoid answering by changing the topic and redirecting the conversation. I did finally catch on to this tactic. I went grey rock without even knowing that was what I was doing. This saved my sanity and my life in the end.
Yes, Mary! I likened it to a soap opera! You ask Were you at the bar last night with Gary? Their answer Why do you ask? It’s very unnerving!!
It makes us explain ourselves even more.
They asked me to take on more and more I told them therapy is difficult atm and they called it a excuse.
Staying close here helps me with therapy thank u doc Carter.
Hugs. 🕊️💜🧠🔧🎶🎨Thank you Dr Carter and youtube. Today here, therapy twice a week, meds showed me I didn't know what or why I was in the wrong environments. I learned I met the family system I came from in adulthood. Being here to learn and grow takes away drinking. Last year today? I was medicated and self medicating with alcohol thinking I was doing ok. The light bulbs just blink answers, solutions and hope.
They can’t answer direct questions.
@@405OKCShiningOn that can be a trick by the narcissist if they recommend it to YOU.
Why
Bc they'll say hey look ur the crazy one not me ur the one in therapy not me so ur the problem.
The narc can goto therapy come back and say the Dr said your the problem and they'll stop going..
These ppl just ugh
All school institutions should be teaching these truths! Thank you Dr C very, very helpful!
They aren't truths. For the most part, this was complete nonsense. Read the comments; there are a lot of reasons to be discreet and circumspect other than untrustworthiness.
not with the polish nuns u dont. god i spent enough days in that closet standing and dealing with my period with those ladies. they made me kneel in front of them and the boys in line to measure my shirt. punitive people dont deserve the hard truths. why do you think all thsoe people abused in the church kept their mouths shut so long dear.?
I've also been a victim of "foul weather friends". They come into your life when you have a problem and they want to empathize and help you solve it. However, they never reveal anything about themselves or let you help them with their troubles. Once your problem is "solved", they move on to the next person who needs their "help". You think you're making a friend when in reality you're just their current project.
Interesting equation
Those types are codependents.
They are compelled to help, fix, rescue. They do not ask for help because they experienced childhood abandonment and had to learn very early how to cope on their own, as well as they learned to suppress their needs because they experienced childhood neglect. their caregivers demanded they meet the adults’ needs when they were children.
Adversity and chaos is familiar to them.
Or you are a taker of those who are there for you…
@@Flyfreenow I really don't think so. I've been thwarted again and again in my attempts to offer help and friendship to them, or just becoming closer to them. Obviously it's my opinion, but I sincerely think that I have found them getting involved without my asking for their help; offering unsuccessfully to be there for them; and then totally disappearing to go onto the next needy person. If I'm a taker, I'm a very grateful one, and ready to reciprocate.
Dear Anne, I have no words to express my gratitude for your comments! "Foul weather friends" - so there is a name for it! Oh my God! A few years ago I met a woman, who is exactly as you described!!! I am a natural giver, I just like people, I know how to be grateful and how to reciprocate all the good things I receive. I used to be, sadly, mostly surrounded by exploitative people, narcissists. And then I met her via our mutual acquaintance.
She was very exceptional... she got quickly involved in supporting me (I suffer from PTSD) and helping me (her career is mental health care related). She was doing it completely for free for a long time, investing tons of her time in me. I wanted to reciprocate it, and help her, since she struggled with some things I mastered in my profession. And then I realized something was very wrong about her reactions. She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't grateful. Each and every idea I presented to her to improve her things got ditched, rejected and ... it was done by her to the point of self-sabotage! Pure insanity! I never tried to force her to anything or manipulate or control her, and she was doing the opposite to was I was suggesting as an experienced professional. I started to feel insulted by her behaviour. It's as if my effort, my ideas, my knowledge were completely worthless.
And she was ultra secretive about her life. She revealed a few "problems" she had in her private life, but ... things didn't add up at all. What she said made no sense.
At some point, somewhere in the middle of our situationship, I offered her my friendship.... and her reaction ashamed me deeply. She expressed discomfort and said, that well, maybe some day in the future. I thought I did some major faux pas or something. I truly believed I was making a friend... I could not comprehend WHY she spent so much time and effort on me, and in the same time didn't want me as a friend.
The end of that situation was me going No Contact with her. Constant cognitive dissonance made me physically ill. And that was interesting thing - once I got ill, she became unavailable, even if she knew I got ill. She ghosted me. After a few attempts to contact her, she gave me a lame excuse, then she lied, then she tried to gaslight me, and then I realized that enough is enough.
It was a shocking situation. I've never met before a toxic giver!
After many years of marriage I quit talking about most of my feelings because my husband would use all info as ammunition during any argument. He of course became empty too as he did more and more of that which he did not wish me to know about. We divorced. This talk is also about the loss of trust in a marriage as these steps you go through happen in slow motion over years.
My entire childhood family can’t be trusted and I have some issues being trustworthy (according to this video) I’m here to work on this! Thank you Dr.! I need to teach my children healthy relationship by being a good example.
So TRUE!😃
Isolation
Lack of role models
Bitterness about why you were born where you were born
Shame and guilt
It’s never over
Among many untrustworthy people, there are a few worthy of trust. I want to be a trustworthy person with dignity. Thank you always for your advice, Dr. Carter!
DRC- Dignity, respect and civility
Ten, huh? Well, there’s one thing that’s a dealbreaker for me now. If they lie. Can’t wait to learn the other nine.
Yes.#1
Right.
Yes!!
Often we do not notice any of these signs when being in a relationship with someone
But how they behave towards others can tell you a lot about them
Look at how they treat waiters at restaurants, how they empathize with poor or sick people, how they treat their employees, how they treat children and elders
Don't convince yourself they will be always good to you even if they treat other people badly
Sooner or later they can say/do to you all the same nasty things they say/do to others
It works both ways. Don’t assume that because they treat everyone else well that they will be the same with you. It’s part of their desire to appear to be a good person so that you will look like the one with the problem
This just reaffirmed my thoughts on one individual. A lady I know is very surface level. Superficial. Material things, money is a big thing with her and looks mainly name brands she loves. But it doesn't go much deeper than that. No real empathy ever shown. She is super friendly and at first seems like a nice person. But I've spent enough time to think otherwise. It's very Superficial niceness. I don't disclose much about myself to her because I had a feeling she wasn't trust worthy. She also gives unsolicited advice. I hate unsolicited advice.
She told me one time that I should tell people everything about myself because then you get a lot of feedback. I think she was trying to get me to reveal things about myself but it didn't work. Nobody needs to know everything about me unless I feel the need to do so.
The words that woke me came out of the mouth of the narcissist that had abused me for a lifetime. He said nonchalantly and conversationally, “you’ve always wanted to be me.” To say that it blew me away is an understatement but at that moment it woke me and set me free. I’ve been recovering since that day.
Yea they rub off on you
One my narcs said "I wish you were more like me." He gave me a meaningful look, as if to say "You'd better take my advice now, before it's too late." You can probably imagine what I said in reply.
Wow….the delusions….just wow
It is annoying when people at work ask how your weekend was and expect you to give a decent answer. It is work time and not random chit chat time. Also can be friendly but need to maintain professional boundaries.
With close friends I do enjoy this question and outside of work time.
Also not being open about what you have been upto can also be a self esteem thing - if you don’t think people will find it interesting or weren’t asking genuinely. In NZ asking someone how they are and what they have been upto is a pleasantry and it’s awkward if someone throws a curveball and says “I’m not doing well and this is what I did with my time”.
Average answer is along the lines of “Good and nothing much”.
Its the same here in the US
Appropriate intimacy. Reciprocity. Love your bullet points. DRC.
Thank you dr Carter. There are people who can not be trusted, they only exploit others and they must be avoided but sometimes they just will not leave you alone as they feel entitled to do whatever they find expedient. You feel like a prey they are eating alive and marvelling at the process. Terrible!
Is the entitlement that gets me
@@natoyabailey9439 Me too. Unfortunately, narcissists have a strong allergic reaction to the whole notion of equality.
That's a terrible feeling! I'm dealing with it right now, and it's no picnic! I have to sneak around, and change my routine in order to avoid the toxic neighbor. It's crazy!
There are two kinds of people in the arena of conversation: complainers seeking problems and people seeking solutions. Those seeking solutions will listen to you. Those complainers are not looking for solutions. Everything is divided into two things: the make wrong people and the validators. The make wrong people don’t look for solutions. The validators are those who seek solutions. Then there are those people who like and dislike you. Those who like you care deeply and have a tendency to listen to you and validate what you speak of. Those who don’t like you will always find something wrong and anything you say will not resonate with you or them. The simple things I keep in mind is what I learned in scripture. Otherwise it just turns into verbal olympics. “ How can two walk together if they are not agreed?” A cat will never bark and a dog will never meow and a leopard doesn’t change his spots. With those people you have to make a determination as to whether it’s worth the time to engage in meaningful conversation that will either build a relationship or just be a “just passing through” type of relationship.
they lie, or don't respond to direct questions with direct answers; they change the subject (deflect), shift blame, act aggrieved or deny/play dumb/stonewall. they don't look you in the eyes (and they are not autistic). One I am very familiar with is that they make "suggestions", or "imply" things without saying what they mean explicitly, aka guessing games. I'm not sure how many that adds up to, but I am too familiar with those indicators. Also - if they've lied, stolen, cheated in the past (more than a white lie) - they definitely can not be trusted!
Yeah. What you said makes me think. I knew one deceptive person who would make these really roundabout sentences to say the simplest things in ordinary conversation.. While these were not lies, it was uncomfortable to observe for reasons I didn't get. There was a twisted mind at work. Even the simple truth had to come out in a weird way.
@@sage9836 Schizophrenia? like word salad, kind of thing?
@@sheilajac I hadn't thought of that possibility. The person, for example, instead of saying what they meant, would wrap it up elaborate, like "It cannot be said that (something) is not true" instead of just saying it. This was only a tiny part of a big mess. I am going to look up schizophrenia.
Covert narcs appear autistic at first, which made it difficult for me to identify my ex as one, unfortunately. :-/
@@karolinagren5846 and vice versa apparently, there's a few behaviours that appear similar but have different roots
Yes. He never makes mistakes. It's always everyone else's fault. I know now when someone has no friends and family It's a big red flag.
This is not always true.. and is misleading!
Many people who go through childhood abuse grow up in toxic families. This leads them to automatically attract friendships and relationships that are also toxic because they seem familiar and normal
When the person wakes up and distances themselves they realise all the people in their life that they attracted are similar and need to be cut out
This leaves the person isolated, alone and without family or friends
Doesn’t necessarily mean that the person is toxic
Most intellectual and spiritual people are also terribly alone because of how demanding their pursuits are
People with Aspergers syndrome, Adhd or grave mental or physical health issues are also without friends or family because their life works at a different pace
A lot of other factors can contribute to this no family, friends or connections factor
Dark personalities re also known to turn people against their targets so that when the victim speaks the truth.. they are not believed.. leaving the person alone yet again
@@truthh8597 I am a private person now by choice. I choose my friends, they don't choose me. I'm more aware of red flags. Trust works both ways. When I see red flags, i back off from that person, when I notice red flags that tell me not to trust someone. I prefer to be alone than caught up in another toxic relationship with others.
Me ex narc had lots of friends and appeared close with his family. Dig deeper and things were not so rosy.
@@truthh8597you are absolutely right. I don't have friends like when i was younger, but its ok because everyone is not your friend. I've found out that a lot of females were jealous of me back then. My main friends has always been guys, and sometimes they are shady.
@@kathycoltri840me too. Peace is my friend.
I had to stop predicting or agreeing to things. Life has become uncertain, unpredictable, and subject to the projections of others.
It is a very difficult time. The "haves" really don't understand the "have nots".
I am not certain that I can trust like I used to. I could give examples.......
Agreed unfortunately.
Ya, shit happens.
Dr Carter you and Gus are a breath of fresh air in this world full of narcissists, unkindness, trauma and tragedy.
Regardless of my understanding and love for humanity, it still surprises me. Plus, I work in Behavioral Health at a military medical Center.
I'm on the fence about someone being too personal. I myself at times doesn't know what immediate plans I'll be having on the weekend. So my answer is usually the same I don't know.
Abusers don't interact or share anything they take lie cheat bully and want to waste your time and attention to them.give it to yourself.give self time.investment.learning and listening to your inner ear.your voice.not an abuser drowns it out.all the vest to you all and Dr led and yours.happy independence day pending.
Excellent validation of my instincts. I've noticed you can't trust people who don't trust people also. They just can't imagine others doing and or saying the right thing, the truth.
Crisis does reveal character....that's the one I notice the most. I'm so glad I found your videos. Thank you!
Straight into the rude angry, ranting bs is the real cue. They ALWAYS have an opinion about everyone and everything and blame every wrong done to them by all others!!! Really the whole world
Coverts are not rude or angry, they are just snakes.
@@josephineananda yes the coverts are sneaky. Had one of those too ( unfortunately) dangerous
LOVE YOU Dr. Carter! ❤️ Thank You. Have a Blessed 4th. 🙏🏼🇺🇸❤️
I will. We'll have some good time with various extended family members! Thanks. Dr. C
No. 6 is debatable and highly dependent on individual situations. Contrary to what you suggested; there are many people who will deliberately show up ONLY when you’re in a difficult situation just to quietly celebrate your suffering as a way to make themselves feel better about their own screwed up lives.
These people can also be predatory opportunists seeking to exploit your PERCEIVED vulnerabilities and they often thrive on Schadenfreude. Something to be aware of when people flock to “help you”
You always have the best topics/content.
I learned the hard way, when people show you their sleeve believe them. All these videos are so helpful, many thanks Dr.C !! You're the Best 💓
Openness in general was a problem with my ex. I really didn't know who he was on the inside. It's difficult to trust someone then. Also, a quarrel was an immediate reason to end the relationship. Nothing was deeply discussed. No interest in my feelings.
I can relate. My wife is this way. Won't share anything.
I love her. I am the one filled with love and trust. I am very fortunate.
She is not filled the same way. Life has been a different experience for her.
She expected me to succeed financially so that she could live in comfort.
This is not her mother's era.
Yes. Takes a good while to feel any trust again with new people
@@keariewashburn4680 I know...I don't dare to date anymore. I've only had narc partners. :-(
It’s like being with a child right!!!
@@chrisw8627 Exactly!
It is amazing how many people sadly have this level of/in almost every relationship. When I meet "real" people, people who are exactly like they are, I hold on tightly to those friendships and relatives and have for decades! I can count exactly how many of those trustworthy relationships I cherish. Thank you for this video Dr. Carter.
Sometimes you cant open up to people about things . One time I was in a bible talk group setting and when the older couple who were leading the group asked us to open up about a topic in our church. So I freely opened up because I trusted this older couple who were leading the group. After the discussion was over she stands up and walks in front of me and my friend and said that he is more spiritual than me. I was like wow never again will I be vulnerable to this group. Im still in the group but Im being very discreet about anything which is very sad . I do open up but to people that i could trust. Sometimes opening up to manipulated people could do more harm than good.
In my experience. religious narcissistic abuse is the worst because it always carries the lie that the leaders are God's chosen ones dutifully making it known why you are spiritually deficient compared to them. But God helps me tenderly with loving solidarity and wisdom. I think it's true that the first shall be last, and the last first.
@@lovesings2us You are so right
Trust no one.
Even the Bible says that...Psalms 146 and Micah 7..Really useful
My God! All 4 of those type of people are all around me! They are not the type of people I want in my life, it's sometimes like I'm a magnet for them. This is why I chose to back away from all people, I don't have the time to waist on them and I can't tell who's who without time. They want me to be who they want me to be. I spent many years with that. They're never satisfied, even if you change.
Great points thank you😊Sounds like traits of the narcissist. People get defensive when that word comes up but that mental illness is so prevalent today😐
No vaccine for this pandemic!
I had a boyfriend and I didn't trust him. I went to counseling and discovered that people do need privacy. The trust issue was mine.
You may have been correct.
I am grateful for you Dr. C. Thank you for teaching us how we may navigate difficult relationship dynamics while preserving, or repairing, our personal dignity. You are one of my top Spiritual and Mental mentors. Sending Love and Hugs to you and our Dr. C family of seekers here. 🥰🤗🦋🧘💞😃😊
So pleased! Dr. C
People with nothing to hide hide nothing.
that's not true. There is no reason to overshare Which is a character flaw) if you think others can use it against you. I watch who gossips and stand back and watch not feeling the need to interject much unless someone asks. Even then, I am not obliged to share if I don't feel comfortable.
Naive
Thank You Dr. Carter. I think it could benefit a person to take a closer of themself. I'm 75 years old and I am certainly open to taking a closer look at who I thought I was and who I am. I also enjoying reading comments from your readers
Dr. C., # 6. OK, let's keep things shallow, I'm catching on. PRICELESS! Thank you for bringing understanding to the vagueness. That clears up ALOT! Then. 🙁
Now. ☺
I hope you know just how INCREDIABLY helpful you are!!!! Videos like this not only have saved my life but helping me learn how to finally enjoy my life after 44 years!!!!! Ty from the bottom of my heart 😃
What about people who never phone you, never email or text, and they want you to call them all the time and even get nasty when you don't call them!!
I know such a person. They want to be catered to, that's for sure! Dr. C
"Routine mismanagement of anger."
Spot on! 0-11 in 5 seconds? Yup, problematic!
I have really been enjoying, the recent videos that have a heavy focus on behavior.
For those who have been through a narcisistic relationship, some of this won't be exactly on the mark within that situation. One of the key signs for someone who has that trait is a VERY high interest in learning all about you, every detail possible and seem like they are very open and a great listener. But they are just gathering ammo for future conversations and it will absolutely be used against you. So I'm much more cautious now before sharing deeply personal things until there is some evidence of a trustworthy and balanced individual.
"Crisis reveals character" hell yeah! And the people who step up to the plate, are willing to listen and support, are often not the ones you thought would be there. Its an eye opener.
I started to feel sick thinking back throughout my life and the controllers and I feel like I constantly have to remind myself my feelings are my own and I hear my No ,
but the narcissist doesn’t hear No if they don’t want to at all
My body , my choice No means No
“And the food is good 😂! I got a good laugh from your comment, Dr. Carter. You took the sting out of a situation that doesn’t deserve my compassion. Thank you for always sharing more than you commit yourself to. God bless you.
Dr. Carter, I looove the topics you have been addressing recently. The podcast on narcissism also helped, but once the narcissist is gone, I found one needs further help to navigate life successfully. So, thank you!
I just saw a video yesterday about the MRI of people who have childhood post-traumatic stress syndrome which showed their brains are triggered by the stress of getting ready. The emotional side of their brain gets more active and the rational part gets less active. That's why they are chronically LATE.
Wonderful video. Testing by your own gauge! Love it. It’s the inner man that we through trust and being trusted that brings true fellowship and unity. Like a child’s trust. Awesome!!
I have a dear old friend I just recently ran into after 30 years. She did really well and made a good life for herself. Part of her job was being in HR and I often felt like I was being interviewed by her when we were talking. But I noticed she didn't say much about herself. She is a good person, I feel like I can trust her but she has a lot of the traits you have discussed. Maybe she's just smart and learned how to button up. What you don't say can't hurt you. I'm a waterfall and an open book, I could probably learn a little something from her😬😁 but I do know what you mean on the other hand I had a friend that said, " you know I don't like to explain myself ". Just before he remarried his ex-wife who I didn't even know he even liked again although my "Spidey Sense" somewhere knew. Now that there is untrustworthy. That situation was probably one of the most painful things I've ever gone through with someone but it has turned out to be one of the biggest lessons. I was too naive, I didn't open my eyes when it came to people, trust me, my eyes are wide open now.
Lying. To me. Manipulating, stealing, and looking past people because they count. Even when a person looks dead bang wrong, are we jumping on them? Empathy. Somebody with a good heart I'll go with every time.
Excellent, Dr. C! Thank you. I was particularly struck by the unsolicited advice portion. I find people who give unsolicited advice to YOU and expect you to follow it but don't follow the same advice for THEMSELVES are not trustworthy.
Fair weather friends 💯 Dr. C, especially parasitic type of relationships… we are friends when it benefits me type of mentality. People are not tools in a toolbox to pick up when you need a particular thing. I’d also add someone who smiles ALL the time, even when it’s not appropriate. Another trait I’ve noticed is fence riders; those who would rather everyone like them instead of having an objective opinion and loyalty. There is a quote I like that says, those who stand for everything stand for nothing. This video is great for those of us who are learning to trust again after being severely scorned. Thank you!
If someone gives advice I dont see it as a bad thing. If it seems like they are trying to help, I appreciate that.
Yep
But there’s a difference
Sometimes people give misleading advice on intention
Don't reveal everything at once watch weight and see how long it takes they can manipulate you from the beginning and if you're in it deep enough you won't see it until it's too late listen to your intuition no matter what if it doesn't smell sound fit feel taste or look right you know what it may not be right you might need to do your homework thank you Dr c for this one I appreciate you I wish this video would have been around 10 years ago wouldn't be in the misplaced jaded spot I'm in now now I won't trust people because I know all of those indicators have happened to me and now I stay way way away from people it's bad but I'm starting to move outward this video is going to help me do that thank you again I hope you have a good holiday may you and your family be blessed and I was talking about Gus and any other four legged furry once you might have around there family family right?
Good thoughts, Faith. BTW, we have some enjoyable family time on the slate for the weekend. Thanks for the good vibes! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter well thank you I like throwing my Good vibes around all my family are doing other things so I'll be alone with my babies they're my family so it's okay I'm good with it used to it was lonely but now I'm I enjoy it quite frankly but anyway we'll see the day's not over yet have a good one yourself with your family too.
Exactly! We moved into our new home last year, and my nosy new neighbor downstairs walked into my apartment without knocking, went into another room and started talking to my friend for 45 minutes. Without a "hello, or acknowledging me. Well, she fell and broke her leg. The next thing I knew, I was her personal chef for 4 months-beyond the time she needed help. She turned nasty when I gave my "notice" that I wasn't going to cook for her any more.
This is why I don't disclose too much...the neighbors have a meeting every week, where they gossip, and she is the ringleader!
Thanks, Dr. Carter, another great video! PLEASE do a follow up video on how best to deal with this kind of person, especially if it is someone like a family member that you simply can not avoid being around. ❤
Another great video with specificity to really observe others. Thank you for your commitment to those who seek peace.
This is by far the best advice and wisdom i've ever watched and heard. It makes me see that all the people in my life have been untrustworthy friends and foe even sadly my spouse who only this weekdnd flat out lied to my face. Now trust has gone and i'm in a position as to where to go from here. He cannot even admit his lies or mistakes, totally incapable of saying sorry either or giving any explanation or apology just sent some flowers and expects me to forget. Actually goes radio silence for days in the hopes I will forget. When youre in these things you cant see them either. I've been with my husband for 11 years so what do I do? And even if i leave and start again its also a question of finding someone else trust worthy. And there are not that many!
Hmmm, I think there are a LOT of exceptions to these "rules". Maybe this "untrustworthy" person is actually quite trustworthy, but because of the acts they suffered from the untrustworthy people in their lives they are now very guarded with what they trust others with. 🤔
Also, because of human imperfection, we can all do something in our lives that might make even the person we trusted most, do something that feels to us like they have broken our trust.
"Trustworthy" most often is a relative and ambiguous term, and a deeper "look" into each individual is needed to make a "judgement", and more wise decision as to what we might want to trust them with.
I totally agree with you. This is also why I am having a bit of issues with some of the examples given by that channel, as it seems to try to want to paint a picture which may not entirely be accurate of the other person.
I get that yes, we may strive to be decent, civilized and respectful people, but it can slip at times.
And we may just as well be the "narcissist" of somebody else for all we know.
Yes exactly!
But if someone wants something from you, they’re not gonna do that lol
What I can never figure out is why people wouldn’t want to just know you for you. It seems there’s always an angle, or a reason or something someone wants.
Or they see you a certain way or some convoluted deal-
Most likely they don’t seem to just want to get to know you just because you’re a human being.
It’s either
Can I have sex with u?
Do you have money?
What are you offering?
Oh- just cus you’re a human being with feelings and aspirations and dreams? - oh .. lol - meh.
@@SBecktacular I think I have a little explanation to your "why" question.
When you first meet that person, who you want to be represented as isn't what the person takes away from you, and, depending of their state of mind, their agenda, or even, how they feel about themselves in comparison to you, it becomes this projected image of who you seem to be for them.
This is why some people feel disappointed when someone who seemed supportive suddenly aren't. It isn't a question of blame, and sometimes, it may just as well be a boundary thing, but what does the person whose reality has been shattered do? Well, they become emotional and entitled, but it doesn't make them a narcissist.
I used to follow those channels because I believed that Dr.C was trying to give people a sense of self, but all of the videos that go on examples feel like praying on people's fears and leaving them in it.
For all we know, the 20% you think you know about a person, even behavior wise, could be wrongly assumed to be narcissistic, and it may actually be a real struggle and issue that they are having with themselves that they think you to be capable of understanding.
I am not going to say that some people aren't narcissistic, but I am more akin to say that some actions are narcissistic, more than just the person being one.
Separate the behavior from the person. it's much better for you in the end.
I lament the sheer number of people who learn of emotional maturity, clear communication, and boundaries at a later age, because this leaves them with deep issues that only therapy may help them with.
I don't think we should find reasons for vague, closed off behaviour. If someone has a problem with being open, they should seek counselling. It's not on us to be their therapist or enabler.
@@karolinagren5846 It may then be best to avoid these videos, as they seem to find reasons for vague, closed off behavior, as you wrote it, or maybe avoid therapy alltogether, as they, too, rely heavily on the information you that provide, compassion, empathy, reframing, and active listening, to make an assessment of who you are and what may ail you, and some therapists can be just as closed off in their behavior as you express it.
I am not sure that we need to diminish one's willingness to assist someone else out of some perceived justification and calling them "vague reasons", as some people can be insightful and perceptive to another's situation, while some therapists may be more dangerous to this same scenario.
Besides, not everyone is well attuned to their own internal emotions, and this, too, can be learned through someone who isn't a therapist, tempted they do it with self respect and boundaries in mind.
In the end, it is up to the person to decide if they want to help and be an alternative to therapy.
Why does it seem like this just described just about everyone I know in one way or another. Due to these behaviors in the people around me, I've almost lost all faith in humanity itself
John 2:24 helped me. Trust God not man and then you'll know how to deal with everyone. Some need Grace, some need what only God can give so you can leave without guilt
You always make great videos at the perfect time. I'm finding it hard to trust anyone anymore.
I believe there are people not telling me the truth
me too
Listening to what is being said and not said is key. Red flag is when you can tell the other person is not valuing you or any insight or information you bring to a conversation. First conversation to express what you’ve noticed, feel, and then gauge if they understand your perspective and the response is all about how they feel? Then suddenly end the friendship and block you instead of having that conversation? Did they only enter my life so I could support them, or until you catch on, that this is not a genuine two way considerate relationship/ friendship? Healthy people that value you as well can have those conversations. And see from someone else’s perspective and usually communicate to keep things healthy for both sides.
That’s the $64,000 question we need to ask ourselves tho isn’t it? Like with everyone we’ve ever known or met. “HOW FAR can I trust this person?” The idea that we somehow have to trust people so fully and implicitly at first sight. Just right away or else we are just some kind of antisocial jerk. If we don’t always extend this kind of benefit of the doubt then we can be accused of things like not being friendly or just hating people or being socially backwards or paranoid etc. Not even knowing that it’s ok to make others earn that trust. And that we really SHOULD make people earn trust with us. A person growing up in such abuse doesn’t even realize they can actually choose HOW FAR to go with anyone and everyone. It was a learning curve for me to just know I had all these “how far?” options. That I could mete things out little by little with people if I so chose. Or I could walk away or not share at all with some. That I was not at all obliged to be like this open book with everyone right away or just HAVE to trust them as if it was this kind of debt I somehow “owed” all of humanity. And abusers are very keen on all this “you can trust me” kind of BS. I’d say the number one thing is those folks who verbalize it a lot like that (like look at me...I’m so trustworthy etc) and those who get upset when you won’t just be an open book with them. Screw that. Lol. It was the day I learned how all my obligatory oversharing and all this extending so much benefit of the doubt to so many folks was really a trauma response to all the abuse I was raised in. We also do not “owe” anyone all this “benefit of the doubt” stuff either. Screw that too. Lol. So if I hold back and I go very slow with folks, I have far better odds of seeing who I can trust and who I can’t trust. It’s better to get your toe bit that to find yourself shark bit in the abdomen. Bcuz dipping my toe in and testing the waters first makes a lot more sense than diving in whole hog right away when I don’t really yet know what’s all up in the water. Plus stopping all that ignoring of my gut when it goes off like “you really can’t trust this person tho.” Plus we might often get accused of “judging” someone else. Idc tho. One really HAS to judge everyone they come across tho or else you just become someone else’s prey or the odds go way up that a shark will take advantage of your false guilt for not “judging” them. Plus who doesn’t judge? We also are being judged (often too harshly) by others as well. So it’s not like we are the only humans who have ever judged anyone in our own minds. And for me my mind is off limits. I have a right to choose what goes on in there and nobody should be telling me what or how to think in my own head. I’ll “judge” all I want to up in my own head Bcuz that is my only sacred space really. And fact is that abusers love to call this “judging” when really it is just discernment. It seems odd now to go on and on like this but I guess being raised in such a narc vortex like that makes it rather necessary to put such things on repeat until they finally sink in for me and to split the smallest of hairs with it and get the utmost clarity on the subject as is humanly possible. Plus trusting the wrong folks all the time too much erodes our own self trust as well. I finally got very much ok with the idea that I really don’t HAVE to trust just anyone and that they are never just “owed” this sort of thing from me and if they don’t like it, well tough titties then. Lol.
And Bcuz of the nature of narcissism anyways. It’s really like this overstepping kind of intrusive attempted mind twisting they do. And they def often refer to such things as cult like brainwashing ya know. As if they have some special rights to tell ME how I’m supposed to think. They impose their own sick thoughts onto us all the time. Or at least try to. It absurd tho, and they are not entitled to that space. It doesn’t belong to them and they have no business trying to be all up in there. The space inside my own head which belongs to only me (well also and God but most def they have no business trying to get all up in my own private head space tho). And yet so often WE were the ones walking away from interactions with them feeling like WE were so wrong to just try and defend our own minds against their aggressive and thieving intrusions. We were told how we were so awful when they were the ones grossly overstepping where they did not ever belong. So I for one am reclaiming my own mind. They just need to go on and gtfo of my personal headspace.
Everything you said is spot on, and It's something I can identify with a lot. Don't feel bad about needing to restate things to yourself, I am the same way. I think some of it has to do with trying to unlearn old unhealthy ways of thinking and seeing. It's especially hard if you don't have an actual support network of healthy people who don't resort to abuse or manipulation. You're very right, we should at least be careful of how much we tell until we've seen enough of the person to make that call if they are someone that's genuine & trustworthy or if they are toxic. Everyone has insecurities, but narcs are the ones that take it out on others.
I can't even count the number of times that somebody has yelled at me about their faults when what they are doing is putting their problems on me.
There are lots of people that keep having the same failures but never learn.
Beware of people who ask too many personal questions early on, but share little if anything about themselves. Likely they’re looking for easy ways to use you.
When narcissists ask you what you are doing next weekend, they take your I dont know as a free access to your time. Of course they have no right to dictate what you do next weekend, not even declare they will come hang out with you. It is nobodys business what you do next weekend but yours.
I try avoid saying I dont know, but I often dont make plans.
You know your narcissists, if they still are allowed around you, you decide the allowing. It is just creepy with the pushyness, the invasiveness, the sudden plans, the sudden ditchings, the sudden narc mood changes, weekend with narcs or waiting for narcs, can be more stressful than workdays. Not a moment of peace and freedom.
You do not need those jazzed up people in your life.
A good book. Birds singing in the trees. Alone. That's peace.
You have to learn to enjoy your own company, then confidently say, I thought I would indulge in some self care, and "me time."
>Consistent inconsistency<
There is a pattern. It says it all.
1. Superficial with personal disclosures
2. Inability to learn from their mistakes
3. Give lots of unsolicited advice
4. Easily critical
5. Generally evasive, coy, vague
6. Being a fair-weather friend
7. Consistent inconsistencies
8. Mismanagement of anger
8. They make like affection or affirmation but they are not encouraging or kind in general
10. Unwilling to discuss personal failures
Not sure how to explain this to be the most clear, let's just say that most people that are untrustworthy will tell you about it, you just gotta know what to look out for, this video gives very good queues as to what to look for. The reason these people don't engage in personal talk, in exposing or discussing mistakes or vulnerabilities is because they are looking to exploit those from you, and they have realized that if they don't display any, then they can't fall victim to the game they intent to play with other perceived weak individuals. So the main defense is, be strong, look strong, pass the tests(they will want to test for the vulnerabilities they intent to use, it is usually quite obvious) that way they won't want to play with you, since they are only after vulnerable(perceived) people they can boss around and exploit.
If you aren't sure and kinda like the person anyways, what I generally do is open one of my vulnerabilities that are known of me or well dealt with and give it to them as a toy to see what they're going to do with it. If they use it in an effort to gain control or harm me, then babye. You will often see that once you open the bag, they will want to see what else is in there without volunteering anything in return, that is generally a big red flag, they're fact finding in order to use it against you. If, on the other hand, they appear to be understanding and in return share some of theirs with me, then we can move up to the next level. Now, that doesn't mean full trust, just another level deeper into the getting to know one another.
Hope this helped, I wish you all the best.
You described it nicely.
I wanted to thank you for the suggestion regarding the idea of putting out only something that is a small but real vulnerability to see how they treat that info. I will have to try to remember it. I had such a 'friend' who wanted to ask me all about what I'm thinking and doing etc, but says "I don't like to talk about myself" anytime I asked for the same things in kind from him. Big mistake with getting involved with him.
Trust is built upon openness, honesty, accountability, self-disclosure.
it is, but my advice is to take it slowly. It takes time to build a relationship built on trust.
Until you have something you've disclosed thrown back in your face, and then are talked about behind your back.