As I’ve learned from Doctor Ramani, it really helps to firewall them. You can’t let any vital information out, or IN because they will dump their toxicity onto you and hold whatever you say against you. The only time they listen is when they’re listening for ammo to use against you.
If I'd known exactly what I was dealing with when we split up I think I would have faired better. I soon realised that I was fighting for my life and I fought with everything I had left in me. Absolutely shredded is a fitting description of how I ended up.
I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was afraid to challenge her. When I was in my early twenties, an older couple who were friends of the family visited for a week. They noticed how my parents ignored me, even when I tried to engage them. They kindly took me aside in private and very kindly told me I was a wonderful daughter who deserved more attention, and they offered to be available to listen or provide help if I ever wanted that. It was a watershed moment for me, and they stood behind their promise, treating me as their fourth daughter. Having that alternative family on call was enormously helpful.
That's amazing they recognized you and your toxic parent's actions and didn't enable them but helped the one in need and stood by their helpful word. I'm so happy for you and your circumstances that changed for the good
@@elizabethfindlay5752 Thank you. They were generous, sweet people who provided just enough support without overdoing it. From them, I learned how families SHOULD function.
Excellent metaphor..turn your pain into bullets! Its really not about serving up pain??? It's much more like this: "A problem shared is a problem halved" a two way mutually supportive process. What Dr Ramani means is to beware not to share your vulnerability and sacred self with narcissistic people as they use it take it in seemingly listening then spit it back out at you I later arguments devoid of any mercy empathy or compassion. That's the cautionary tale.
You have saved me and millions and millions lives from mental narcissistic malignant abuse. My recovery has levels of steps of recovery. Today, I’m loving life. We millions upon millions to open our door and we can see thru the windows of people who are literally evil, Only good can destroys evil. There are many “therapist” but you are so much more. Thank you for saving us! To My follow victims : Embrace all your steps to your healing. This takes time as you unravel your trauma layers. No matter who has been doing this to you and the shock of the person or persons. Mine was complex trauma . Be kind and love yourself thru this. I’ll be on the same road welcoming you! Take care my fellow RECOVERERS.
Thank you for your kind and reassuring words. I’ve just woken up to the hell I’ve been living in for 12 years. I look forward to the day that I’m on the other side of all this. It truly is soul crushing ❤️🩹
@@KathyGarcia-r3p I love your willingness to participate that lead to your thriving with a quality life. It’s beautiful news that you are happy. Enjoy. And Congratulations 🧡.
"Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder
@@evelina787 wow! I could not have put it better. I will write this down! This quote is so encouraging! Thank you for taking the time to put this on comments!
@@Philylady1 You're Most Welcome PhilyLady Really Hope & Pray Life's Treating You Immensely Kindly In More Recent Times God Bless You & Thank You For Your Most Thoughtful, Loveliest Comment ☘️🙏☘️
This woman saved me and helped me gain the courage to leave my narc husband of almost 20 years. We’re in the middle of a divorce now and the kids and I are so excited to be free.
We are in the same boat. I want to pay my highest respect to your decision to take these steps with kids on board, instead of alternately waiting for them to grow out of the house first. The “staying together for the kids” doesn’t benefit here because they are targeted just as much. You become a shield for the dysfunction that would have otherwise shredded them more than they already have been.
Well done! My narcissist dad left my mum after 20 years. I'm now a 43 year old woman discovering that potentially 50% of my relationships including friendships have involved traits of narcissistic abuse, particularly given my empath identification. Applaud you first and foremost and if I can offer a suggestion to set your children up for relationship success, teach them BOUNDARIES big time. I've been on the lessons for 2 years now and only just starting to get there!
She is great! I left my narcissist wife of 9 years. Tried to stay with her because we have kids, but it was too painful in the end. Gaslighting is REAL!!!! She still campaigns against me months later but I refuse to engage. I finally figured it out. Thank you!
@@20jayabhat I don't know. I've tried explaining something to someone whom I thought would be open to listening to me. When I realized they weren't interested in hearing me, and instead only gaslit me, and told me my experience wasn't real, instead of disengaging, I became defensive and combative. To me the difference between defend and explain is the difference between explaining your POV vs defending yourself on a personal level, that you're not crazy, as they continue to try and gaslight you.
@nikital.8255 (and others) “Don’t defend Don’t engage Don’t explain Don’t personalize” Thank you. At 60 I’m only now learning… I so appreciate the doctor’s teachings, sharing of knowledge and wisdom, and I really appreciate the input of those subscribers to her channel. On one hand I recognize the loss of decades having kept myself ignorant, having danced on eggshells to another’s beat… On the other hand, I’m a box of ol’ dry bone’s having new life breathed into me, my ears, mind and heart are open. It’s not too late to learn, to understand, to live…
@@sea2sea2seevanlife92Hey, I'm a day away from turning 50, but don't feel bad about not "DEEPing" at all times. (Otherwise, it's like the codependentcy MYTH with always being bandied out there... You think the best times of love in your life would have happened if you didn't open your heart a little.... Don't beat yourself up because you did it once and it eventually it didn't work out.. and believe me, like men or women,, I do not to show up at the table up first with my heart too open like it an open sore.... Like they say, you'd scare people off if you see that clingy.... On the other hand, you would have never gotten the best days of your life if you are a complete skeptic like we all are nowadays because the world is going into hell in handbasket nowadays(
“Don’t share your wins, your losses, or your vulnerabilities.” Soooooo true! That line gave me flashbacks of the relationship I was in with a narcissist
I just want to say to everyone who has been or is still affected by a narcissist..... I think you're amazing. You can do it. You matter. Don't give up on yourself and I may be nobody special, but understand and I care. I have been narcissist-free for 5 years, and I still get sick to my stomach thinking about how horrible that person really was. But I appreciate being sick to my stomach bc it reminds me to value myself and to never allow that kind of evil in my life again. It's so sad that others really have no problem or guilt while destroying others who are truly good people. Prayers and much love to y'all 💗
Thank you for your kind words. I have been dealing with a covert narcisist for 30 long years. I have pretty much felt alone for the entire 30 years. I have divorced him now and is the best decision I have made in my entire life. He broke me financially, spiritually and mentally. He still emotionally sabotages my adult children. 😞
@@boogieuggie7865 prayers and hugs to you and yours. I'm glad you made that decision, and don't ever let that scumbag bring you down again. Your kids are in my thoughts and prayers, I'm so glad to hear another one of us made it out of that kind of hell they create. 💜💜💜💜
Mine never apologized. And when I quit apologizing, boy did she hate that. Started denying her everything she denied me. Now I have fallen into her "worthless" category. Its coming to a close,after 33 years, because I quit being passive and have been giving her a taste of her own medicine. She really doesn't like it. Imagine that.
@@johngaulding3710 I know of a man who can help you get back with your ex he helped me get back with my ex we are back together with more love now.............,
“I’ll be damned if somebody who’s toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off.” 🔥🔥🔥THIS IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!
The world is fallen by choice. A better world awaits, if you believe on the Lord God Jesus Christ. 🩷✝️🩷 He will make sure abusers will not get away with it. There will be Hell to pay. Trust in His sacrifice on the cross as His free love gift payment for ALL of your past, present and future sins. Once saved, forever saved. His love is that true & faithful, even though we aren't. God bless you❣️
I've understood that to mean that you should not give advice to someone who is not prepared to receive it. You don't cast the pearls because the pigs cannot digest them. You are giving something of value to a creature who will eat practically anything. But, they cannot digest them, so it is not helpful to them.
@@JustBCWi that's it really. It's saying that if you cast your pearls of wisdom to swine they will only trample them under their feet and destroy the pearls of wisdom. Not interested to the point of destroying your words. So don't bother if you know they are swine.
@MessedUpMel none of us deserve the pearls and that's the point of grace; it can never be earned or worked toward to achieve! What I mean is you need to believe as a very fundamental truth that none of us are righteous, not one, and God gifts us with salvation to those who believe in Christ. The only difference between you and them is humility. He gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. You may know your weaknesses and flaws, and I say may because you have been trained to believe lies about who you are. But at the very least you apparently know you need forgiveness and grace. They know who they are but, but their pride will not allow them to seek out forgiveness. Thats how you begin! Noone deserves grace more than you, because none of us actually deserve it; we all are in the same boat in that sense! If you truly believe this reality than you need to realize that you do not need to make them understand, because they are aware of their behavior. You do not need your abuser to validate reality or the pain they have caused you. They know. Again, the difference between you and them is humility. You know the condition of your soul and need for salvation. After you begin to believe these truths you then need to know that you have a distorted view of yourself. You are not able to look at this relationship objectively because you have been manipulated and gaslighted to believe that everything is your fault. Are you responsible for your actions; of course, but if you are in a relationship with a narcassist than you do not know how badly you have been abused. Your still seeing through the lens of their narrative. The main truth I need you to understand is that you are not the Savior. I see this is a common character flaw in victims of narcassistic abuse or trauma at a young age; you believe it is your responsibility to save others. Humble yourself, and let that burden go because you cannot save anyone. All you can do is love in truth and show compassion with wisdom. Also, noone loves people individually or as a whole more than Jesus; noone. He loves the narcassist and the abuser and His love is enough. When you stated they need the pearl more than you; that reveals alot about your mindset.. I was just like you, but then the truth set me free. They do need God, but everyone does. He is big enough. You do not have to sacrifice yourself in order to love anyone; Christ did that already and He is savior. If we also believe that we love more than He does than that also needs to be repented of. That's a very dangerous mindset because you will literally stand in the way of true love by believing you have to be sacrificed. That's where you begin. You are not the Savior and you are not too far gone. Neither is the narcassist but that's not your responsibility because you are responsible for your actions only and for your soul.
They fight so dirty…when you explain how you’re feeling about something, at every opportunity in the future, any disagreement or discussion, they throw your feelings and actions in your face to continue to hurt you. I’m tired of narcissists bleeding on me when I wasn’t the one who cut them’
@Monica- Right! They hit way below the belt and take no responsibility for anything. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is their personal problem, not ours.
@@TheJRo I used to believe them when they called it “bluntly stating truth”…it’s not. It’s intentionally being hurtful without compassion or regard. When I accepted the fact that the things they accuse me of are the things they are guilty of doing and the things they hate about themselves, I learned to be less critical of myself and to only ask if: a) I did or said those things AND b) if so, was it said or done with malice or hurtful intent. If one or both is answered “no”, then I chuck it in my mental “Psycho Circular File (🗑)’ and LET IT GO! I’ve got enough baggage of my own to carry without carrying theirs!!
@@wldncrzy1971 - we try a million diff ways to try to make things right with them for something we didn’t even do, but they nvr change, fueled by rage. Then they paint us to be villains so that their guilt doesn’t feel so heavy. It’s time to heal. I like your game plan. Each day, you’re stronger than yesterday 💪
The dirtiest ways and as many ways as possible while the victim of them is bending over backwards for so long; when the dirtbags use other people and then you have to deal with all of them -- keep feeling empathy for them??? NO NO NO, I'll share my best and beautiful parts with deserving people. I'll not empathize with someone who made it their mission to destroy me, mocked me while doing so, tricking me because I AM an empathetic person, using every single vulnerability about me to eff me over, and being very good at their ways--because they practice backstabbing, lying, cheating, manipulating 24/7 Dr. I disagree here.
I don't let others define me, with their words. The sticks and stones did hurt, but I survived! Tune out the words that don't deserve to define who you are.
@@diadax8189 if you choose to follow her videos, she can be 'your' therapist. In therapy you do the work. The therapist only listens and pulls out of you what you want to do when you are ready for it. So her videos explain, and taking action is on our part. Of course, this is only depending on how much we have going on. I hope this helps in breaking through the wall of mind limitations on having a person in front of you/us. 💚
I literally told my ex I'm not going to tell you what's going on with me anymore. All I've ever done is arm you. I've given you every single thing you've ever weaponized against me and I do not trust you. I will not give you power anymore.
God bless this woman. God bless everything she touches and everyone she is in contact with. She is TRUELY changing people's lives and providing healing
I understand. I prayed and meditated and God showed me the truth, which explained everything. I was with a CN too, and the cyclical emotional abuse and devaluation, and inability to communicate to resolution, etc.... was killing my personality, my sense of self. I was becoming a shell of my former self and now i know WHY. It hurts so much but he is not who I fantasized him to be, and the lack of empathy is what convinced me i MUST leave.
You and I are in the same EXACT boat! For me, 32 years with a Covert Narc, who is wildly successful and nice to everyone except one person....wanna guess who that may be? He never EVER sticks up for me or defends me....he seems to enjoy others' pain. Sigh. Now his grown equally ENTITLED sons are taking over the business and after 32 years of dedicated, loyal service from me, they are being horrible and so rude. One of them doesn't even speak to me at family events. THE PATTERN IS REPEATING AND HIS LEGACY LIVES ON. Tragic.
She is so correct. Don't defend, don't explain, don't personalize. The narcissist will use your words to attack you, over and over. They have no sympathy for you when you confront them. Thank you Doctor Ramani.
My mother is a narcissist. She ruined my life with the emotional abuse. I'm 60 and still suffering. My advice would be don't even bother arguing with a narcissist. You'll never win!!
Yes! Best advice...I also have a narcissistic mother and conversations and debates with her just go round and round like a carousel you can't get off of..arguing is futile.
I’m going through the same thing. Using his daughter as an excuse not to leave. I seriously hate him that I wish he’d disappear without a trace! We were actually friends first and I never seen this side of him until we finally made it official! He uses my past against me and belittle me and never say sorry! He blamed me for everything and it’s just getting worse. It makes me want to hurt him while sleeping. But I can’t because I love my kids and my life. He thinks I won’t never leave but he’s wrong because I’m secretly leaving. No contact after. He will never see his kid. Once we leave them they will regret it. I can’t wait until it’s all over with. You got this but you have to be wanting to get up and leave. He will never change. Lose that little piece of HOPE because you’re just holding yourself back to more narcissist abuse. LEAVE NOW!
@@shannongross3047 So many comments describe my situation, my thoughts and feelings! Your post is my story, too… He is the meanest person I’ve ever known! Zero regard for the destruction left in the wake of his purely self-centered antics.
The staying in the same room with someone swinging a sword at you, reminded me of the other analogy, death by a thousand cuts. Staying many years with a Narcissist is a slow death by a thousand cuts.
And that's what hurts the most. Why is it denied and allowed. I can see it being done to my son too..... no one seems to care about us or can make him stop... he makes sooooo much more money than me and knows I can't afford a lawyer, let alone one who really cares to help... ( even someone from free legal help took advantage of me). All I want is him to not be able to do this to my child. I pray so much that I can still save my son from all of this, he's 11 and its getting worse...
Emotional abuse turns into physical illness, but no one except the victim of emotional abuse knows that the real reason he or she is sick is because he or she held those toxic emotions inside.
THIS IS A HUGE BLESSING!! Everyone needs to watch this. I swore I'd never let a man treat me this way. I was so wrong. I was married to a major narcissistic man. Also he is a manipulating, gas lighting person. These type of people will slowly kill you. You can get out. You can live a life with happiness!! I'm living proof! See the red flags and run the opposite direction of these type of people. God bless you and stay strong. YOU MATTER ❤
But what if he is the father of your child and he is pursuing 50% custody. Then what? I never saw the signs until I had the baby and he turned into a monster.
@@westcoastgal4078 check out '''Stephanie Lyn Coaching'''. Might help. I follow her yt channel for quite a while now and she is really good. She focuses on all kinds of issues but mainly on narcissists. Her ex husband is a narcissist and they have a son together.
@@westcoastgal4078 Dr. Ramani has a Utube channel with videos on this topic. Kris Godinez ( she is a licensed Psychologist) We Need to Talk has a great channel and has many videos on this topic too. Read the book, "Splitting - Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Narcissist" Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger. It's a great book, wish I'd have found it prior to divorcing. Good luck to you and your kids. Put yourself and your kids first and stay strong. Don't worry about being all nice and fair with him - just be emotionally neutral (greyrock) and find the best lawyer you can who is familiar with Narcissists. I made the mistake of responding towards him as if he'd want to be fair, kind and follow the law. Make copies of every single financial and legal documents you have together. Make copies of photos too - my ex- stole both and hid far too many of these things. Good luck, peace and success for you and your kids.
I had no idea what a narcissist was. The night I left him i just told him I'm tired of this, and i'll do anything to get rid of you. He looked so SURPRISED! Then I just left.
The last day I worked closely with a narcissist, was at the going away party she was giving herself. Co-workers insisted I attend. While she was passing out a list of her life accomplishments to everyone, she gave me a bag of peanut M&Ms with a short note attached. I tore the note off without reading whatever toxic message it had, threw it into the trash and sat there and ate the M&Ms.
Me too I think word is getting thrown around too much. When I broke up with my ex I said, " it is either couples therapy like you said you would go to or we are done." His response was "I never agreed to therapy" which I said, "I am done with the mind games." He admitted, he was selfish and left. Don't waste your time on men that don't want to go to therapy for their wandering ways!
"I'll be darned if somebody who is toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off"! Dr Ramani, LOVE THIS! Been suffering COMPASSION FATIGUE big time!! GREAT term!
It took so long to realize that reacting to and engaging with a narcissist was not just counter-productive but giving the narc what they wanted. In my mind, I thought verbalizing what they were doing wrong--addressing it--was the same as shining a light and chasing off the shadows. But it's just like the trolls online: They want to upset you. Your pain is their power. Ignoring them and steering clear is your power.
Well said... I'm a very nice guy and I'm ignoring them now and they aren't handling it well at all.. I really bought into them and really regret it. They berated me so much in a weird joking way and for awhile and I'm so done w that shit.. I was doing well before I met them.. they are so messed up and have brought me down so much.. I fell into the trap and feel stupid for it
One phrase that I use is "Thank you for sharing" with a Spock-like demeanor. It acknowledges that I've heard them, but doesn't give them the gratification of upsetting me.
I save my pain for my therapist. Not my acquaintances, neighbors or co workers. They will use it against you, and I don't let people vent to me or gossip to me. They will turn this around say you said it, just cut them off, period.
I love how Ramani shows her humaness by saying even she still gets played. She's so expert in this topic so it makes me feel more compassionate towards myself!
Yeah I need that too... dealing with it and dealing with my own stuff is so difficult and feels like there is no one to trust but if the good Dr can be played then makes sense why I'm struggling with idiots at worst time I my life still gaslighting still invalidating me it's awful. The way they can make you feel bad when u already feel really bad is soul destroying. My mistake has been projecting my good traits onto them, when they don't have them! Then again you expect family to be there not to destroy you. Glad to know I'm not alone that's some consolation and helps keep me going 🙏🙏
@@bereal6590 I dealt with it everyday of my life by my brother who was a violent narcissist. Who died from a fentanyl overdose about two years ago at the age of 36. And my age at the time was 34. Which really messes with me that he is dead. Everyone tells me I need to learn how to forgive him now. But his death doesn't mean that what he did to me and my family didn't happen. I was and still am dealing with childhood trauma. Religious trauma syndrome, Bipolar. Skitzophrenia, which those two are really a spiritual awakening.
The first sign of a narcissistic person is they behave like a child when they don’t get their way. Treat them like a child back. When they get their way THEY WILL KEEP ON DOING IT. Just don’t give them what they want and let them deal with it.
I'm 55 yes old I can't handle my girlfriend s mental abuse anymore I live with her I want to walk away but I have nowhere or no family to go to I'm ready to go Home
Yes and no. See, if it were a real child, you would address the behaviour, and explain why it was wrong and why there are now consequences. The goal is to teach them proper behaviour and empathy. It is a waste of time to do this with a narcissist and if you try you have walked into one of their favourite traps. When they pretend to be sorry. When the pretend to be improving and learning. But really, they are manipulating their victim into letting them get away with their behaviour. When an adult is acting like a child, treat them like what they are. A full grown adult who is making a conscious, informed decision to behave badly. Do what dr Ramani says. Don’t engage. Treat them like what they are. An adult who is behaving in a disturbing way and who is therefore at best pointless and at worst dangerous to interact with
I’ve been in court 8 yrs straight…married to him for 9 yrs. He alienated 3 of my kids. The courts need to learn how to deal with these people. They are destroying lives.
It's so very true. Law enforcement, judges, all governmental agencies, etc. I actually think it should be taught in school, along with home economics that includes financial economics. We learn so much in school that doesn't prepare us for actual life and that's so unfair. We need awareness & understanding starting with law enforcement. Law enforcement gives power & momentum to the narcissist and not even aware of the damage it causes. A lot could be derailed and prevented at the initial problem when law enforcement is called if they were trained to recognize. Ive learned NOT TO CALL law enforcement because I get victimized again then my narcissist gains a deeper sense of power. It's not worth it I have stories to tell that will curl your hair.
You are damn right. Being a woman of but not sugar-coated in shit. I had similar happen. It still stands that there's no Court Order preventing me from seeing my daughter and sadly what would have been her younger sibling if it wasn't enforced upon me to abort. By her father. A son whom was born n bred into an extremely Devout rich Christian family. So we had already sinned in their God's eyes. To do so again...the father of my daughter still chose Marajuana and the safety-net of his rich, well-respected parents. The husband (my daughters grandfather on her father side) really didn't condone Abortion. My daughters father forced me to do it when my daughter was less then a year old. She has always maintained "I wish I could've had a younger sister or brother". It breaks my heart hiding this from her. And knowing the pain/struggle I went through doing 50:50 share care when the goose was still hooked on MJ Meanwhile I'm fighting off drugged-up public housos when she's not around. To ensure her safety. I was left with nothing. My very sad, inner demons that soeak to me each day...telling me I didn't fight hard enough...have gone. I fought as hard as I could. I still face very horrid circumstances. Homelessness. Recent job interviews dismissed. Because of recent famial Narcissism/DVO Abuse. But I maintain my belief in God. He has saved me through severe, brutal domestic violence, suicide attempts (well-gone now) and other instances where my life has been at complete risk of death. I never thought the power of Christ could be exactly that...POWERFUL. And I completely understand those who don't agree with what I say. But what I will say...is that in spite of my own training/smarts and the 💯 jeopardy and physical realisation of my incapacitation to maintain both...I would not...be here. Maintain faith. Reach out to those who you know do....genuinely care. Not just the fun ones. I've almost lost how it feels like to just have fun. But I know my inner child is still there. If you feel like I once did (n I'm still quite a loner cus i worry what ppl will think when they hear my history)...there really are GOOD ppl out there. I'm one. I wish nothing but the best for kind-hearted ppl. You can pm if you like. Sometimes it's just nice to talk to a stranger who may be able to relate to your struggle. If not; I will not be offended. I will pray for you. And wish you the absolute best in life. ❤Amge
Ive been destroyed by a narcissist who gaslight me and made me feel guilty about everything he has done against me.... I lost my home, my job. and my life turned into a nightmare .I am afraid of this person , I had no idea hoe cruel someone can be just to feel good about themselves.
Key part- ‘made me feel guilty about all the things HE has done to me’ Crazymaking When they treat you badly.. you are a walking talking witness of how horrible they are as people and they don’t like it They make you feel guilty for knowing who they are.. how horrible they are
Communicating with someone who INVALIDATES you means mastering the Art of INDIFFERENCE. Do not INTERNALIZE their invalidation of you, your words, your plan, the way you sat down, rolled over, breathe. Dr. Ramani saved me. Thanks so much!
I had magnificent narcissist mother& malignant narc husband. I went no contact from them both finally. I see my mother rarely and it is always bad for me. But now that i know the truth about them it's easy not to take any of their bullshit personally. Pretty much everything they ever (always) said about me was a lie! When the blinders fell off & i embraced the truth, and spent years in self-help i must add... It set me free. You can do it too. Just think... After some serious self-care and education, plus implementing strong, healthy boundaries for yourself, you'll realize what a strong, good person you are! Peace be with you!
Just stay far away from them and break the trauma bond they created. I did and you will feel so much better. Go no contact with them. They will never admit what they did. Just think of YOU and take care of YOU. 🙏🙏💪🌼🌼
@@lmiaaamin1660 it took them many years to do damage so get counseling and stay away then you will heal. You will not feel guilty or pity them or be sucked back in.
It took me 10y of healing myself back to “me”, going all the way back to childhood & standing IN my shadows, feeling the pain & walking myself through & finally standing in my power. I even genuinely forgave the S.O.B. So I could be free from any traces left behind & be free to possibly love again. He was so evil but covered it sooo well
I shared with my adult daughter one effect a trauma from my childhood had on me. She posted it online to prove I am delusional! I’m going through disbelief and grief over my only child’s efforts to dismantle my life. She is doing all she can to remove me from the marital home, her father is a malignant narcissist and whereas he had no interest in her at all while she was growing up, he has now discovered she is like him, so to say this is a toxic household would be an understatement. It’s devastating given the family I came from and things that happened to me in that family. Dr Ramani is right, they use your vulnerabilities against you. I wish I had woken up sooner, the signs were there for so long.
So sorry. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in over four years, nor have I seen my two grandchildren. It was all over a misunderstanding, and she told outright lies about me. My daughter was molested by her biological father and I bent over backwards for her after discovering it. Then to be betrayed like she did was/is excruciatingly painful.
@@Hatbox948 It is a betrayal and excruciatingly painful, I agree. I have just started going to a counselor to try to get some indication of what is going on with her. Although to be told she most likely won’t change is hard to accept and that of course the counselor said he can’t diagnose her, but it helps to hear his insights and for me to talk about her behavior and the lies she tells about me. She told me a couple of years ago she thinks she’s a sociopath, she has no empathy and so it wasn’t a shock to hear her say that. When she was younger she wrote in a book that she likes to manipulate people, so there’s a lot going on with her. I have been the parent that has been there for her constantly, but it’s me she’s trying to destroy. I have to work on accepting this will continue to be an open wound unless she gets help, which I doubt very much she will.
So sorry for the pain you shared in this post regarding your daughter. This type of pain and experience is emotionally difficult and draining. God bless and keep you. 🙏🏾
@@Hatbox948 I’m so sorry to read your comment. The lies are so incredibly painful. You’re right, it is a betrayal. I’ll never understand it, it will always be an open wound, the pain will always be there.
I've got to the point of avoiding conversation because I know what reaction I will get no matter how nice I am. When there's no end in sight, there's no point in carrying on with friendship/relationship. Too many red flags, too much ego, too stubborn it's, tiring, draining.. Eventually the silence kills. Gotta leave to save my sanity.
@@kerstinmiller223 be careful he doesn't stalk you with your device. Mine did. Even though I had antivirus software and factory reset my device. He became a hacker , just to torment me. When you leave ,throw it in the trash. Otherwise he will wreck your new life,turn everyone against you in your community,break in and vandalize your new place. And an old device will infect a new one! He's probably watching everything you do on computer! Be CAREFUL.Watch your back. Drain the battery if you need privacy because they WILL activate the microphone to eavesdrop on your conversations to circumvent you! Sorry you are going through this. I'm here if you need to talk
I can relate to your feelings.....the wisest thing to do for ourselves is keep our boundaries wider or limit contact or just incommunicado....for our own sanity and mental health really.
“Narcissistic people will Weaponized your vulnerabilities.“ Wow. This video should be required viewing for every young girl in a high school in the country. I got tangled up with a narcissist and it really cost me.
yes, and before weaponizing your vulnerabilities, they will cater to them. that's the hell of it. but it never lasts too long. I suppose that's also the hell of it.
I literally had to stop listening to Dr. Ramani for 6 months because hearing all the ways I was being abused hurt so bad. On one hand I felt blessed for having found out the what but I just would listen and listen and every single thing she talks about is exactly what I experienced and it hurt so so bad. But I will still say the information she’s shared has saved my life.
I agree !!! It feels good to be understood. To know it wasn’t my fault. That there is actual clinical terminology for what I’ve lived through, etc… On the other had, it does stir up old pain & trauma, I thought I had dealt with. Its amazing the triggers that send me into a flashback that is 30+ years in the past. I’m sending you hugs & best wishes for a healed spirit & soul. 🧸👍☮️
1. I am not my flashbacks or trauma 2. My goal/plan is calm countenance, peace and emotional regulation 3. I embrace my emotions, they protect and teach me 4. It great to put myself first on occasion 5. My life is mine and yours is yours. I make my own choices and it's ur responsibility to make yours
God bless, protect, guide & heal you❣️🩷✝️🩷 You are loved by Him! You were uniquely & beautifully created intentionally! You are worth dying for to Jesus - God, Himself!
On staying…. In my case, it was two fold. Primarily, I wanted to be with and around my children until they were adults. In the case of one of them who has been frequently targeted, I felt the need to stay to run interference. Second, I have been with my wife since we were 18 years old. Strangely, I have been absolutely hardwired in ways of provision and protection for her. It’s the oddest feeling to want to protect someone who is so vile and toxic toward you. I have not been error-free, but have never cheated despite being maritally rejected and enduring almost 20 years of celibacy beginning in my mid 30’s. I am finally done with three decades of mental, verbal, physical and financial abuse and am planning to exit. She knows it’s over…wish me luck!
Hope you’ve planned for the worst manipulation and smear campaign you’ll ever be subjected to. I’d suggest finding a therapist or counselor who understands narcissism, explain the situation to him/her, then take your kids with you to help prepare them for what’s about to happen bcs believe me, the narc won’t go away peacefully. Parental alienation is the worst.
@@aalovelace2776 my kids are adults. While I’d prefer and will pursue an amicable split, I am nonetheless prepared for war. She has already destroyed my reputation with friends/family so I have nothing to lose and will hold nothing back. She’s a disrespectful bully, but in the end, deep down, she knows not to mess with me. Peace is the only counselor I need.
You're going to have healthy days There will probably be several battles. I hope you've stored away some recordings & texts and documented. A good lawyer consult too. The courts don't understand this stuff. Best wishes to you!
You are not the only one, I confess one of my painfull experience of my teen age, and during court time for protection order, he scream out, outside the court everything, but I kept my posture and I pretended that I never heard any thing, I desarmed him at that moment,at that moment I removed him from my ❤️, he really wanted me to drop the case, for a moment I wanted to I was feeling guilty, thanks for his dirty action, I went ahead and the court granted my protection.
I remember I confided in my narcissist about my traumatic abusive relationship as a teenager. In the end, he made that relationship look like a walk in the park.
@@cindyi8471 same here. I have dated mostly narcissistic abusers because I grew up with multiple family members who were very narcissistic. My radar was completely broken.
I think people should talk about more subtle narcissist traits... It took me a while to realize my ex was exhibiting narcissist tendencies because he doesn’t fit the typical definitions most people give. Yet, when we fought, they would come out. I didn’t realize I was being emotionally manipulated. So many red flags, but he made me feel like it was me. I feel for everyone going through a toxic relationship 💜
I have been here too many times. Hearing discribe the magnetic reminded me of something an other counselor had said about rapists and victims of rape. It resonated in me and just gave me my strength back. I am again in another relationship like this and pregnant for the first time ever. Hes making empty threats about taking my child and other types of slanderous lies because I have kicked him out. I already did what she said prior to watching and she has given me hope that everything is going to be ok this time.
I’ve came to realize that I’m losing my empathy over time. I was wondering why I just couldn’t be there for someone and comfort them or myself the way I used to, but now I found out the reason(compassion fatigue). This video was overly helpful🧡🧡🧡
Play are you getting played this far into the game and I know what is it say do you somebody else when I feel bad for that someone I do 10 to keep trying even when I'm feeling red flags and that's something I've got a work on trying to take care of people a pity is actually so I am very I have to catch that one I sense that somebody sort of pitiful to me I got a copy because I has gotten me into probably most of them really horrible narcissistic situations not all of them but a lot of them they close for pity or something almost pitiful static and they're trying to pardon are often not I was one just called if somebody you know when I had my back so I think it's a lot of us spend a lot of our lives trying to rescue the child like versions of ourselves our child when we see it manifest and someone I think we want to rescue before we catch up I'm not a child I'm in adult I got her I got my trial version and I don't need to let pity oh that was a Tonna bricks right now because her OK are you do you know so much you're so knowledgeable on the subject I bet you never get tricked by no I don't know they will come out like a big red dot and you say that Beautiful wonderful that you said that yeah because I really do think that it's never wanted on it spotting to go as were talking about and I think that that's important to know because I do worry that some people I can't believe I am I've watched all her videos and I'm still falling in this trap so like do you even saying that I think just gives grace to other clubs there's so much shame in self blame in this basic Amber folks have said to me I am so in barest of humiliated I'm saying something you're believing yourself for someone and so no can you go to remember we carry this map of our lives inside of us and that Matheson toys good it's like I think or everyone of us are compasses are a little bit off right because of the things the bad things happen to us that hurts curds I don't always get to make that we do we don't always make the best choices for ourselves doing this and it really is it your willingness to do that what are the illusions of the delusions we fall into take responsibility for those can try to find out where they come from but somebody here is never your fault go I could keep going I will honestly good and people find you so wake up you can find start because there is contact coming out every day anything you wanna know about this it's probably if you go subscribe to the channel the notifications every day when it comes out a lot of people say the side of my face and coffee thing I have a website doctorramani.com do you octorramani.com and there's a sort of like us everything in one place links to interesting articles and important things to know enter videos even other things are related to the topic of coming seminars that we have all of that is available there those are the two places I would Instagram and follow me on Facebook pretty regular contact coming out there sharing other good stuff that people are putting our causes a lot of interesting interesting work it's not specifically narcissism even areas like domestic abuse and all of that related to this topic
Yes, that hit me too. Interesting that you point out that we need to comfort ourselves. Had no idea what that was or how to do that...until I left the narc.
Having an empathic brain is having a more advanced type of brain Logic is only part of a decision, and completed only with empathy and emotions into the decision making. Unfortunately lawyers trivialise emotions and this is also a gender issue because women's emotions are systematically demeaned, as illogical. Change the law to include caring principles and ethics in all legislation and there's a chance for the human race to relearn how to love again. Never trust narcissistic colleagues/ managers.
@@daniellelala5045 You stole my thunder. My wife has said that many many times. They are human trash that don't give a hoot about your feelings, but you better respect theirs.
My Ex Husband would always say, “Why do you always bring up the past?” “Can’t you ever let anything go?” “What’s the point of even trying with you, when you bring up all my past mistakes?”….. one of the self help books explained that we teach others how to treat us and because I thought that I was the problem, I shared that info with him. And then his favorite thing to say was, “it’s your fault remember…you taught me how to treat you.” uuugghh over almost 10 years, I read every book, changed everything about myself that he said was the problem, anxiously kept the house clean to avoid his irritation, served him home made meals everyday, stopped doing a lot of my hobbies because he hated “the mess” of my things being out for a couple days… then I went to therapy when I finally got sick from the immense stress he constantly put me under. Learning healthy boundaries changed ALL of my relationships, I found out MOST people who I thought loved me, actually were only using me. And when it came to me for the FIRST time needing their support, they gas lit me, invalidated me and triangulated others to make themselves look better and me look insane. I realized my friends and family were my abusers all along and they worked together to keep me confused, vulnerable and people pleasing. If it wasn’t for my therapist I would have believed them, she saved my life. I’m still trying to find myself, it feels like my soul has been crushed. But I have hope now and I’m much happier being alone than surrounded by evil people.
Wow! I really feel you and everything you said here. I’m going through the same thing exactly. Except that I am trying to understand my family of origin now and how they have contributed to where I’m at today. Your words have really made an impact on me for me to reflect even deeper is what I’m going through over here. Your words are exactly my experience too. I feel your sister nice to know that I’m not completely alone in this world which I have felt for so long. I felt like an utter failure but I know I’m not. I know I’m an amazing person and this is one of the reasons why he chose me. This idea Makes me feel better. I am married to him 18 years and we have been together for a total of 24 years. It is so painful to look back in this 24 years which is half of my life and realize that I have been struggling for no reason. that I have been in love with someone who has been only out to ruin me for his own ego supply. Meanwhile, all i did was love him very deeply as deeply as a human could love someone else. My journey has now taken me to reflect even deeper on myself and my own issues, which I cannot deny I have given the situation I am in. I have three beautiful daughters in this mess too. I cannot believe that none of my dreams have come true. My life is such a painful reality. When I think about divorce, I come terrified because he has made me financially dependent. Another dream not realized. I have no money to leave and being a mom to three daughters leaves me dependent even more as they seem to get sick every other week. It’s very sad to think of ending in my marriage as I love my being married and having a husband to love deeply. 😢 anyway, thank you for your comment. I identify so much with it as you can see. I wish you peace and I will think about you and pray for you often.
it took me 30 years and listening to Dr. Ramani religiously to realize I was living with a narcissist...he called me 'crazy' all the time, told me no-one would ever love me...am slowing healing
I had a cantaloupe sized tumor and had to have a hysterectomy at 42. My nex yelled at me that "I'm not even a woman". I was flabbergasted. Not sure how to take that as I'm ultra feminine and a domestic diva. So hurtful and weird.
It can work both ways if you really think about it " .. if your not showing your guy love and your testing him constantly like this woman is programing woman to think" a low value man will put up with it " but a high value Mann will call you out on it and leave " if you truly are testing him constantly 🤷♂️💯
I'm going through a breakup with a narcissist that dragged on 15 years. It is horrible to go through when you feel so broken and at fault for everything but these videos are helping me by empowering me with knowledge. Thank you.
Try this if you're wanting to leave: I managed to record voice and video conversations where he was gaslighting me. I also kept a very graphic diary of all the events that happened. That helped me stay away because I'd always feel sick to my stomach after I hear/watch/read them that I wouldn't want to see/talk to him anymore. I also went to therapy with the goal of learning to love myself and trust my instincts again, because I knew that my lack of self-worth/love was at the root of the relationship. The more I learned to love myself, the more I was able to listen to my instincts when they kicked in and I eventually managed to get myself out of an extremely toxic - physically, verbally & emotionally abusive relationship.
But just don't think you can play it for them to "prove your point" and just use it for yourselfs....or you'll get the Official Response: *"THAT'S NOT ME!!"* 🤨🤯🤣🤣
Maid Marion and John Rambo-- have you played back tapes of them to themselves? I have several that are so stunningly text book i feelblike i someone made them up. But i was there. They're REAL
I thought I was crazy, because “this stuff only happens in the movies.” Of course I was continually told I was crazy & made it all up. Then I started writing notes on a pocket calendar, jotting down witness names & brief issues. He found my calendar & it was not good.
yes, I recorded conversations too. Just make sure you can do it legally if you want to use it for evidence. My state is fine with one person consent. It was very good to have this and I strongly suggest people do this if they can safely.
I used to not respond or defend myself against the narcissist in my life. But during that time I wasn’t living with them. Now that I live with them it’s difficult not to respond. But the doctor is correct, responding and defending yourself only feeds into them and takes away from you! It’s devastating when children are involved!
So true because I went through this kind of relationship for 17 years with my ex husband. Later on my daughter run away at 18 😢and he try to make my son disrespect me when I divorced him.
I've been successfully detaching more and more, while still living together. We now live on opposite sides of the house. Still cordial and interact. But we do not ever talk about topics that lead to awfulness. No politics. No current events topics. No sex. Detachment. Moving ahead with my life gradually.
I love how she is respecting the person who wants to stay with the narcissist, she knows how this ends which is incomplete disaster but she respects them enough to try to give them the advice to keep the relationship going. That's how you know you're an empath because you want to repair this relationship that's killing you lol . I can only laugh about this because I am so many years out of that terrible relationship. I hope all of you find your blessings and move forward with a happy life, it's never going to be easy when you are in a relationship with a narcissist because there is no winning, there's only levels of losing. You have the key to walk away and find some happiness in this very short life that we have.
Yes, I’m starting to realize this. Makes me so sad. What if the relative who has frequent toxic behavior towards you accuses you of being a narc when you attempt to defend yourself? The horrible half truth stories going around about me from when we were very young and under the toxic influence of our narc parents is unbelievably one sided! I only hear about these stories from mutual friends and family and actually never hear them from her, but she doesn’t denigh saying anything and also brings up horrible things my mother blamed me for. I cannot take it anymore! She’s so nice to mutual people except she’s not nice to my husband, but I honestly think she believes she’s not to blame for anything. I need to just walk away I guess 😞
I couldn't EVER have conceived of how bad it would get. He was FURIOUS that I would leave after he had "given" so much. He did, but a lot of what he had was because I had helped him get it. The vitriol DOESN'T end.
"Ick List Friend", my youngest son was this person before I even knew anything about it. I was considering taking back my abuser. He asked me "ok, but why? I see what he would get if you took him back. But what would you get mom? What has changed about him?". He was 12 at the time and saw that man more clearly than I ever did.
My children saw My Narc partner for who is too. I have 3 children that aren't his My 2nd youngest child. Said to me when I wanted to go back. Mum! , if You Love HIM, YOU Don't Love ME.!😮😢
Too bad we can't click that thumbs-up symbol more than once. I would click it a hundred times for this one little sentence: 'Someone abusing you is NEVER YOUR FAULT.' Words of wisdom!
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. Additionally, Here's a clue for anyone of you that think your spouse might be cheating, but you think they are just too clever to be caught, your feelings of being cheated on are not facts and your intuitions are bullshit unless you find out for sure. So before you bring your sickness and blame into the relationship get some fucking proof and some mental help consult a private investigator today Metaspyhub@gmail. com for the purpose know where you stand in your relationship...
Mine truly was all about the lack of information but mama let me tell you when the ladies of Kerrville introduce me to factor I was being abused and in the worst way and what is what was and the wages for reason why it was all the information came so fast from TH-cam how is what&when it comes to these miserable traits in him as opposed to my chemical imbalance + physical disability = 💯🙀♾️🛐❣️
The only way to win is “NOT TO PLAY!”.If your family and friends haven’t gone through this abuse they will never truly understand how devastating it is.🌷🙏
I literally just came out of a relationship with a man who told me I was over sensitive and quoted the sticks and stones rhyme. So glad I had the strength to break free
Under A Palm Tree Production Agency Good on you for breaking away and I bet he wouldn't handle it AT ALL if it happened to him though! They can give it, yet they sure can't take it and I don't mean abuse. ❤
Yeah I just got out of a relationship as well, when I confronted him about my concerns I wanted a considerate and emotional response and instead I got gaslighted that it was in my head and I made it up.
10:38 "Don't give your psychological passwords to them." I like it. So you need to prevent psychological data breach. Narcissists always scan your vulnerability and want to make use of it.
I was around some people the other day but I didn't want to tell them anything personal. I had a feeling they were judgement. I was right. They went off on me about nothing. Last time I'm going around them again.
Be careful.. Use wisdom and get some advice on how to leave safely and start putting money away secretly copying papers you need. And be careful who you share it with they may surprise you and tell him. I wish you luck and may a higher power guide you. Just be careful who you trust. Maybe get advice from a women's abuse center they know about emotional abuse.
I pray protection over you under the Divines wings 💜💜💜 try to only tell social workers or therapist who can help and are required to not tell. You’ll make it through.
My narcissistic relationship started from pity and grew into love. 10 years and several breakups later, I’m TIRED of being someone’s emotional punching bag, supply, and being used with no shame. This relationship has made me hate being an empath and I’ve become unrecognizable personality wise. I mourn the person I was before this relationship, the person I wanted my children to know. I pray that I can be restored and stay away from my children’s father until I’m healed.
What an amazing woman to speak to the people that can’t “just leave!” Her empathy is amazing. She makes so many great points and there’s so much to learn from her.
But that's a slippery slope. If we normalize people staying in that hell - where does that get anyone in the long run? How is it good for any children involved? How is it being a good parent? Often the victim of a narcissist (if we're speaking of a marriage) is as mentally unhealthy as they are - just at the other end of the spectrum. Codependency is the other side of the narcissistic coin, and that ALSO requires acknowledgment and professional help.
"Empathy doesn't mean being a sucker, empathy is understanding whatever happened in your story that brought you here I'm so sorry and I really hope the path forward takes you to a place where you can work on this I really do, but not on my time."
That's very sweet and all, but reality is the 'suckers' which is how they look at people need more tips and guidance of survival and the abusers need to be held accountable, need to make=up for what they've done and be able to publicly admit what they've done. It's always all about what the victim is supposed to do.
That message at 28:45 made me cry. I grew up with narcissistic parents and became a people pleaser. As an adult, I've been in several abusive relationships with (surprise!) narcissists, put up with sexual harassment in multiple workplace including the toxic military environment, etc. When I graduated at 33 with my second degree, I dropped out of "life" to become a NEET where I work part-time from home...far away from people in my own safe place.
My "penny" moment dealing with vulnerable narcissist last week was when I was telling her how I was feeling and begged her to get some help she looked at me and said"I don't have a problem.. You do.. And I'm sorry you feel that way" Goodbye outta here.
Interesting that Dr.Ramani says feelings of pity for someone is the portal for getting played in her experience. This is exactly what I have experienced in life. Now, after doing tons of energetic work I'm able to trust my discernment and own what is seen.
I relate to this so much. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist and my feeling of guilt is playing every time. I have to keep that in mind all the time to distinguish between a healthy bond and toxic one.
I grew up with a narc mother. I used to beg for a physical punishment instead of the psychological torture. I went to therapy from my early teens because she was convinced and accused of being evil, yet nobody helped me. In fact, they helped dismiss my abuse and gaslight me. I am almost 40, and only now am I realizing what was going on. I am not worthless. I was a good daughter.
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into bullets” writing this down and posting it on 3 walls and over/inside the front door.
I knew not to tell my mother anything important by the time I was 14 because she would find a way to use and abuse this. Distrust became my friend especially with those who were in a place of authority and was very beneficial over the last 4 years. God can redeem what man (or woman) has broken.
Dating a destructive narcissist is draining! They gaslight the hell out of you, blameshifting gets worse and worse and they try to convince you you are actually getting crazy. Still, it's just so hard to leave because they make their way to have some strings attached. Much strength for all of us who have been or are going through this.
Once you know if feels a little less crazy. I can’t get out, but knowing what I’m dealing with helped me find gray rock. Dr. Ramani has been so helpful to follow.
I just found your videos today. I used to volunteer as a victim advocate and always wanted something like this…a survival guide. People always gave us signs, etcetera and how to leave and did acknowledge that it was hard but seemed scared to circulate info on how to get through days with the abuser because they felt like it was encouraging people to stay. Unfortunately, there are so freaking many reasons people have to put up with abusive people for a period of time. Even if a victim of intimate partner violence has left, sometimes they get stalked, sometimes they share children…sometimes divorce takes time. Sometimes minors have narcissistic parents and no way out. They have no power. Sometimes women live in a place where they don’t have the right to leave and leaving had legal repercussions. Sometimes they are disabled or have no financial power and independence. Sometimes they themselves need time. Thank you so much for this. This is so so needed and I am not surprised to read comments that this has helped people survive and get out. This is so essential, and I am positive it is helpful and will continue to be. I’m gonna cry now, tears of joy and for feeling grateful. THANK YOU
I love listening to Dr Ramani. I do believe though that giving a narcissist your empathy is extremely dangerous, almost got me killed. There is such a thing a misplaced compassion. This doesn’t mean you should be cruel but once a narcissist knows you are a source of compassion they latch on like a blood sucking parasite that is very very hard to get rid of.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
It unfolded in this order for me when discovering a coworker had narcissistic tendencies: 1. Boundaries - They want 100% access to my time, and seem aloof that their actions are overstepping any boundaries. 2. Control - They have feedback for my actions, no matter how small the actions may seem, and will negatively reinforce their decisions for me. 3. Chaos - Their decisions will be confusing, unquestionable, and I will slowly realize it has been a goose-chase, often dragging multiple people into it at the same time. 4. Entitlement - My boundaries, autonomy, and self-actualization are all punishable offenses. 5. Supply Seeking - When distancing myself, they first move to crossing other coworker's boundaries, autonomy, and self-actualization. 6. Hoovering/Love-Bombing - When I am successful maintaining distance for any length of time, they will start complimenting my work/ideas, for which they typically offer negative feedback.
My word, my goodness that's exactly what I went through with my ex-husband. I had to go through that with him & his family. I was a doormat for 16 yes. Praise the Lord! I finally broke from that! Praise the Lord I'm free!
A narc will pretend to be a friend that is a victim of a narc and tell you all about the tactics as if they can relate, then gather info on you to then use to hurt you. That one really threw me for a loop when that happened.
This happened to me with my mother who calls out other narcissists and she is one herself! It sickened me and I actually pity her! Can’t believe I’m still standing after 55 years of this abuse! She also was a family law attorney all her life and won all her cases! These toxic people are so powerful! She is an alcoholic as well double whammy! Finally at 55 Years, I’m fully aware of the toxic abuse I endured as the scapegoat of the family! I have go e no contact with her, my ex husband, and two daughters! Took 55 years to find the strength to do so! Thought addiction desteoyed families well narcissism is sister for sure!
Yes my dad could only see the faults of his father not appreciating that he was indeed a carbon copy. It takes an intelligent, insightful generation to break the chain. I didn’t punish and humiliate my children the way he did with us.
@@yetigirlCOMy story is similar to yours. The only difference between us is I’m a couple years ahead of you in this excruciating journey. I’m so sorry we share this! It’s never, ever easy and I’m proud of us both to still be standing! You’ve got this sister❤
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Do you have any tips for communicating with a narcissist?
Yes; DON’T!
under-react/don't react/avoid contact
As I’ve learned from Doctor Ramani, it really helps to firewall them. You can’t let any vital information out, or IN because they will dump their toxicity onto you and hold whatever you say against you. The only time they listen is when they’re listening for ammo to use against you.
Grey rock them !!! This technique really works
If I'd known exactly what I was dealing with when we split up I think I would have faired better. I soon realised that I was fighting for my life and I fought with everything I had left in me. Absolutely shredded is a fitting description of how I ended up.
I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was afraid to challenge her. When I was in my early twenties, an older couple who were friends of the family visited for a week. They noticed how my parents ignored me, even when I tried to engage them. They kindly took me aside in private and very kindly told me I was a wonderful daughter who deserved more attention, and they offered to be available to listen or provide help if I ever wanted that. It was a watershed moment for me, and they stood behind their promise, treating me as their fourth daughter. Having that alternative family on call was enormously helpful.
That's amazing they recognized you and your toxic parent's actions and didn't enable them but helped the one in need and stood by their helpful word.
I'm so happy for you and your circumstances that changed for the good
@@elizabethfindlay5752 Thank you. They were generous, sweet people who provided just enough support without overdoing it. From them, I learned how families SHOULD function.
So glad u got that love, support & validation Re. Exactly who was the problem.
I has tears reading this, so happy for you
@@anushilamukerji2478 Thank you. I am deeply grateful for those wonderful people.
Go where you are celebrated,
Not where you are tolerated.
❤️
🎉❤🎉❤
Agreed Pj
Tks! Good advice!
I like that🎉
Specially as a narcist it is very important to be celebrated, 🤦♀️
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into bullets” POWERFUL🦋
Right???
Excellent metaphor..turn your pain into bullets!
Its really not about serving up pain???
It's much more like this:
"A problem shared is a problem halved" a two way mutually supportive process.
What Dr Ramani means is to beware not to share your vulnerability and sacred self with narcissistic people as they use it take it in seemingly listening then spit it back out at you I later arguments devoid of any mercy empathy or compassion. That's the cautionary tale.
Perfect
Narcs target those who are at their weakest point
TRUE TRUE TRUE.
You have saved me and millions and millions lives from mental narcissistic malignant abuse. My recovery has levels of steps of recovery. Today, I’m loving life.
We millions upon millions to open our door and we can see thru the windows of people who are literally evil, Only good can destroys evil. There are many “therapist” but you are so much more. Thank you for saving us! To My follow victims : Embrace all your steps to your healing. This takes time as you unravel your trauma layers. No matter who has been doing this to you and the shock of the person or persons. Mine was complex trauma .
Be kind and love yourself thru this. I’ll be on the same road welcoming you!
Take care my fellow RECOVERERS.
I agree ...she's really helped me turn my life around ..your videos are so healing so validating ...you are a special person God bless you ..
Thank you for your kind and reassuring words. I’ve just woken up to the hell I’ve been living in for 12 years. I look forward to the day that I’m on the other side of all this. It truly is soul crushing ❤️🩹
@@KathyGarcia-r3p I love your willingness to participate that lead to your thriving with a quality life. It’s beautiful news that you are happy. Enjoy. And Congratulations 🧡.
"Narcissists are consumed with maintaining a shallow false self to others. They're emotionally crippled souls that are addicted to attention. Because of this they use a multitude of games, in order to receive adoration. Sadly, they are the most ungodly of God's creations because they don't show remorse for their actions, take steps to make amends or have empathy for others. They are morally bankrupt.” ― Shannon L. Alder
@@evelina787 wow! I could not have put it better. I will write this down! This quote is so encouraging! Thank you for taking the time to put this on comments!
Your description is 100% accurate and beautifully said thank you
@@Philylady1 You're Most Welcome PhilyLady
Really Hope & Pray Life's Treating You Immensely Kindly In More Recent Times
God Bless You & Thank You For Your Most Thoughtful, Loveliest Comment
☘️🙏☘️
Spot on perspective.
Narcissism is an incurable disease case closed.
This woman saved me and helped me gain the courage to leave my narc husband of almost 20 years. We’re in the middle of a divorce now and the kids and I are so excited to be free.
Good luck, dance like no one is watching!!🕊️😄😍
We are in the same boat. I want to pay my highest respect to your decision to take these steps with kids on board, instead of alternately waiting for them to grow out of the house first. The “staying together for the kids” doesn’t benefit here because they are targeted just as much. You become a shield for the dysfunction that would have otherwise shredded them more than they already have been.
Well done! My narcissist dad left my mum after 20 years. I'm now a 43 year old woman discovering that potentially 50% of my relationships including friendships have involved traits of narcissistic abuse, particularly given my empath identification. Applaud you first and foremost and if I can offer a suggestion to set your children up for relationship success, teach them BOUNDARIES big time. I've been on the lessons for 2 years now and only just starting to get there!
I’m so happy for you Kelli!! Sending you all the strength and healing vibes!!
She is great! I left my narcissist wife of 9 years. Tried to stay with her because we have kids, but it was too painful in the end. Gaslighting is REAL!!!! She still campaigns against me months later but I refuse to engage. I finally figured it out. Thank you!
Don’t defend
Don’t engage
Don’t explain
Don’t personalize
DEEP- defend, engage, explain, personalize
defend and explain is the same..
@@20jayabhat I don't know. I've tried explaining something to someone whom I thought would be open to listening to me. When I realized they weren't interested in hearing me, and instead only gaslit me, and told me my experience wasn't real, instead of disengaging, I became defensive and combative. To me the difference between defend and explain is the difference between explaining your POV vs defending yourself on a personal level, that you're not crazy, as they continue to try and gaslight you.
@nikital.8255 (and others)
“Don’t defend
Don’t engage
Don’t explain
Don’t personalize”
Thank you. At 60 I’m only now learning… I so appreciate the doctor’s teachings, sharing of knowledge and wisdom, and I really appreciate the input of those subscribers to her channel.
On one hand I recognize the loss of decades having kept myself ignorant, having danced on eggshells to another’s beat…
On the other hand, I’m a box of ol’ dry bone’s having new life breathed into me, my ears, mind and heart are open.
It’s not too late to learn, to understand, to live…
@@sea2sea2seevanlife92Hey, I'm a day away from turning 50, but don't feel bad about not "DEEPing" at all times. (Otherwise, it's like the codependentcy MYTH with always being bandied out there... You think the best times of love in your life would have happened if you didn't open your heart a little.... Don't beat yourself up because you did it once and it eventually it didn't work out.. and believe me, like men or women,, I do not to show up at the table up first with my heart too open like it an open sore.... Like they say, you'd scare people off if you see that clingy.... On the other hand, you would have never gotten the best days of your life if you are a complete skeptic like we all are nowadays because the world is going into hell in handbasket nowadays(
“Don’t share your wins, your losses, or your vulnerabilities.” Soooooo true! That line gave me flashbacks of the relationship I was in with a narcissist
That's where I tripped up ☮️🥀
So true
They're jealous of their own children.
It's funny. My ex narc actually told me this.
@@mitchiedondon.7584and your pets 🥴
I just want to say to everyone who has been or is still affected by a narcissist..... I think you're amazing. You can do it. You matter. Don't give up on yourself and I may be nobody special, but understand and I care. I have been narcissist-free for 5 years, and I still get sick to my stomach thinking about how horrible that person really was. But I appreciate being sick to my stomach bc it reminds me to value myself and to never allow that kind of evil in my life again. It's so sad that others really have no problem or guilt while destroying others who are truly good people. Prayers and much love to y'all 💗
Thank you for your kind words. I have been dealing with a covert narcisist for 30 long years. I have pretty much felt alone for the entire 30 years. I have divorced him now and is the best decision I have made in my entire life. He broke me financially, spiritually and mentally. He still emotionally sabotages my adult children. 😞
@@boogieuggie7865 prayers and hugs to you and yours. I'm glad you made that decision, and don't ever let that scumbag bring you down again. Your kids are in my thoughts and prayers, I'm so glad to hear another one of us made it out of that kind of hell they create. 💜💜💜💜
@@azsweethrt7441 Thank you! Wishing the Best life has give. ♥️🤗
Thank you so much! We need support
🙏 amen
Don’t Defend
Don’t Engage
Don’t Explain
Don’t Personalise
I wrote those down on a card, and put it on my refrigerator.
We gotta follow this. It's self-defense.
Also J.A.D.E. Do not: Justify Argue Defend or Explain. Another good one..
Hey it is my family life.
Wonderful theory DEEP
I was living with a narcissist who never used that word “sorry”. He was always right. Never wrong about anything at any time
Mine never apologized. And when I quit apologizing, boy did she hate that. Started denying her everything she denied me. Now I have fallen into her "worthless" category. Its coming to a close,after 33 years, because I quit being passive and have been giving her a taste of her own medicine. She really doesn't like it. Imagine that.
I know of a man who can help you get back with your ex he helped me get back with my ex we are back together with more love now.............,
WhatsApp him📞✅ now ............,
✛18186968652(☉｡☉)!!
@@johngaulding3710 I know of a man who can help you get back with your ex he helped me get back with my ex we are back together with more love now.............,
“I’ll be damned if somebody who’s toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off.” 🔥🔥🔥THIS IS THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!
New mantra! ❤️🩹
May we all be safe from terrible people Amen
❤😂❤😂😢
The world is fallen by choice. A better world awaits, if you believe on the Lord God Jesus Christ. 🩷✝️🩷 He will make sure abusers will not get away with it. There will be Hell to pay. Trust in His sacrifice on the cross as His free love gift payment for ALL of your past, present and future sins. Once saved, forever saved. His love is that true & faithful, even though we aren't. God bless you❣️
@@Tiger-vo8ri That was abusive of you to laugh at that person. How apropos... considering the video is about abuse. Consider an apologizing.
Amen
We are all terrible people in some form or another
“Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn to tear you in pieces.”
I have been thinking of that proverb over the last few weeks.
I've understood that to mean that you should not give advice to someone who is not prepared to receive it. You don't cast the pearls because the pigs cannot digest them. You are giving something of value to a creature who will eat practically anything. But, they cannot digest them, so it is not helpful to them.
@@JustBCWi and they have got nothing to give you back (why should we start giving them pearls)
@@JustBCWi that's it really. It's saying that if you cast your pearls of wisdom to swine they will only trample them under their feet and destroy the pearls of wisdom. Not interested to the point of destroying your words. So don't bother if you know they are swine.
@MessedUpMel none of us deserve the pearls and that's the point of grace; it can never be earned or worked toward to achieve! What I mean is you need to believe as a very fundamental truth that none of us are righteous, not one, and God gifts us with salvation to those who believe in Christ. The only difference between you and them is humility. He gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. You may know your weaknesses and flaws, and I say may because you have been trained to believe lies about who you are. But at the very least you apparently know you need forgiveness and grace. They know who they are but, but their pride will not allow them to seek out forgiveness.
Thats how you begin! Noone deserves grace more than you, because none of us actually deserve it; we all are in the same boat in that sense!
If you truly believe this reality than you need to realize that you do not need to make them understand, because they are aware of their behavior. You do not need your abuser to validate reality or the pain they have caused you. They know. Again, the difference between you and them is humility. You know the condition of your soul and need for salvation.
After you begin to believe these truths you then need to know that you have a distorted view of yourself. You are not able to look at this relationship objectively because you have been manipulated and gaslighted to believe that everything is your fault. Are you responsible for your actions; of course, but if you are in a relationship with a narcassist than you do not know how badly you have been abused. Your still seeing through the lens of their narrative.
The main truth I need you to understand is that you are not the Savior. I see this is a common character flaw in victims of narcassistic abuse or trauma at a young age; you believe it is your responsibility to save others. Humble yourself, and let that burden go because you cannot save anyone. All you can do is love in truth and show compassion with wisdom. Also, noone loves people individually or as a whole more than Jesus; noone. He loves the narcassist and the abuser and His love is enough. When you stated they need the pearl more than you; that reveals alot about your mindset.. I was just like you, but then the truth set me free. They do need God, but everyone does. He is big enough. You do not have to sacrifice yourself in order to love anyone; Christ did that already and He is savior. If we also believe that we love more than He does than that also needs to be repented of. That's a very dangerous mindset because you will literally stand in the way of true love by believing you have to be sacrificed.
That's where you begin. You are not the Savior and you are not too far gone. Neither is the narcassist but that's not your responsibility because you are responsible for your actions only and for your soul.
They fight so dirty…when you explain how you’re feeling about something, at every opportunity in the future, any disagreement or discussion, they throw your feelings and actions in your face to continue to hurt you. I’m tired of narcissists bleeding on me when I wasn’t the one who cut them’
And they love love fighting and arguing ......till the cows come home.
@Monica- Right! They hit way below the belt and take no responsibility for anything. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this is their personal problem, not ours.
@@TheJRo I used to believe them when they called it “bluntly stating truth”…it’s not. It’s intentionally being hurtful without compassion or regard. When I accepted the fact that the things they accuse me of are the things they are guilty of doing and the things they hate about themselves, I learned to be less critical of myself and to only ask if:
a) I did or said those things AND
b) if so, was it said or done with malice or hurtful intent.
If one or both is answered “no”, then I chuck it in my mental “Psycho Circular File (🗑)’ and LET IT GO! I’ve got enough baggage of my own to carry without carrying theirs!!
@@wldncrzy1971 - we try a million diff ways to try to make things right with them for something we didn’t even do, but they nvr change, fueled by rage. Then they paint us to be villains so that their guilt doesn’t feel so heavy. It’s time to heal. I like your game plan. Each day, you’re stronger than yesterday 💪
The dirtiest ways and as many ways as possible while the victim of them is bending over backwards for so long; when the dirtbags use other people and then you have to deal with all of them -- keep feeling empathy for them??? NO NO NO, I'll share my best and beautiful parts with deserving people. I'll not empathize with someone who made it their mission to destroy me, mocked me while doing so, tricking me because I AM an empathetic person, using every single vulnerability about me to eff me over, and being very good at their ways--because they practice backstabbing, lying, cheating, manipulating 24/7 Dr. I disagree here.
We have a sign in our house that says “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will break your heart.”
That is perfect ❤❤❤so true
Yup she was so so sensitive to criticism
Any narcissist would relate to this. And immediately tear that sign down, then boy you are in trouble. :)
I don't let others define me, with their words.
The sticks and stones did hurt, but I survived!
Tune out the words that don't deserve to define who you are.
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone who’s going to melt it into bullets” God I love this women. Thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️
i wish she were my therapist.
@@diadax8189 if you choose to follow her videos, she can be 'your' therapist. In therapy you do the work. The therapist only listens and pulls out of you what you want to do when you are ready for it. So her videos explain, and taking action is on our part. Of course, this is only depending on how much we have going on. I hope this helps in breaking through the wall of mind limitations on having a person in front of you/us. 💚
@@diadax8189I was lucky to find one very similar who helped me out of a horrible marriage to a narc
Can we borrow and reuse these quotes?
I literally told my ex I'm not going to tell you what's going on with me anymore. All I've ever done is arm you. I've given you every single thing you've ever weaponized against me and I do not trust you. I will not give you power anymore.
God bless this woman. God bless everything she touches and everyone she is in contact with. She is TRUELY changing people's lives and providing healing
She is a healer! I really appreciate her for making the choice to help others.
@The Golden Sphere what do you mean? Sorry I can't see the comments you're referencing
I am “people’s”… “people’s” is me😩… She is truly a 🎁 that I am grateful for.
Love Dr Ramani love, love, love
Dr. Ramani is an amazing woman! She's helped obliterate so much pain in my life.
After 32 years with a covert narcissist I became a shell of who I use to be. I’m Slowly moving forward...and leaving him FAR Behind🙌🏻
Terrie Cashen,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!
👏❤👏 Everytime I hear this it makes me so happy! Good for u! U can do it! Not easy, but u r so worth it. ❤
I understand. I prayed and meditated and God showed me the truth, which explained everything. I was with a CN too, and the cyclical emotional abuse and devaluation, and inability to communicate to resolution, etc.... was killing my personality, my sense of self. I was becoming a shell of my former self and now i know WHY. It hurts so much but he is not who I fantasized him to be, and the lack of empathy is what convinced me i MUST leave.
You and I are in the same EXACT boat! For me, 32 years with a Covert Narc, who is wildly successful and nice to everyone except one person....wanna guess who that may be? He never EVER sticks up for me or defends me....he seems to enjoy others' pain. Sigh. Now his grown equally ENTITLED sons are taking over the business and after 32 years of dedicated, loyal service from me, they are being horrible and so rude. One of them doesn't even speak to me at family events. THE PATTERN IS REPEATING AND HIS LEGACY LIVES ON. Tragic.
@@marcypeyton4867 Keep your head up! U do not deserve, and u WILL live through this pain! U can do it. And u r worth it! Stay strong. ❤
She is so correct. Don't defend, don't explain, don't personalize. The narcissist will use your words to attack you, over and over. They have no sympathy for you when you confront them. Thank you Doctor Ramani.
My mother is a narcissist. She ruined my life with the emotional abuse. I'm 60 and still suffering. My advice would be don't even bother arguing with a narcissist. You'll never win!!
Absolutely!
Bring them to church for the complete deliverance
@@christianlifestylemotivation most won’t go
Yes! Best advice...I also have a narcissistic mother and conversations and debates with her just go round and round like a carousel you can't get off of..arguing is futile.
Always keep it factual and do not waste your time engaging. That's the best way
"Someone abusing you is never your fault." I really needed to hear that. I blamed myself for allowing the abuse for so long. Thank you.
Hope you are doing ok now 🕊️
@@jandavison7288 getting there. If I could just get him out of my home I'd be doing so much better.
I’m going through the same thing. Using his daughter as an excuse not to leave. I seriously hate him that I wish he’d disappear without a trace! We were actually friends first and I never seen this side of him until we finally made it official! He uses my past against me and belittle me and never say sorry! He blamed me for everything and it’s just getting worse. It makes me want to hurt him while sleeping. But I can’t because I love my kids and my life. He thinks I won’t never leave but he’s wrong because I’m secretly leaving. No contact after. He will never see his kid. Once we leave them they will regret it. I can’t wait until it’s all over with. You got this but you have to be wanting to get up and leave. He will never change. Lose that little piece of HOPE because you’re just holding yourself back to more narcissist abuse. LEAVE NOW!
@@shannongross3047 So many comments describe my situation, my thoughts and feelings! Your post is my story, too… He is the meanest person I’ve ever known! Zero regard for the destruction left in the wake of his purely self-centered antics.
abuse of any kind is not normal and it's never your fault. stay up and keep reaching for the stars.
The staying in the same room with someone swinging a sword at you, reminded me of the other analogy, death by a thousand cuts. Staying many years with a Narcissist is a slow death by a thousand cuts.
@The Golden Sphere Piss off. You're trolling, stop wasting everyone's time.
Wonderfully explained.
I just woke up to this fact. And o boy, how does that hurt after 30 years of marriage.Should say "mirage"...
And exhausting
@@bluemandarin701 life
My narcissists don't apologize. They just do something nice and think that compensates for it
Never mistake "nice" for "manipulative"
That, is the ''reward'' for you being their supply.
Sounds so darn familiar😂
They are are wrong!
Perfect!
Visible scars get acknowledged. Emotional abuse is denied.
Even in a court of law.
@@justice8563 Especially in a court of law.
And that's what hurts the most. Why is it denied and allowed. I can see it being done to my son too..... no one seems to care about us or can make him stop...
he makes sooooo much more money than me and knows I can't afford a lawyer, let alone one who really cares to help... ( even someone from free legal help took advantage of me). All I want is him to not be able to do this to my child. I pray so much that I can still save my son from all of this, he's 11 and its getting worse...
Emotional abuse turns into physical illness, but no one except the victim of emotional abuse knows that the real reason he or she is sick is because he or she held those toxic emotions inside.
@@phalinimcleod8819 And many refuse to look.
THIS IS A HUGE BLESSING!! Everyone needs to watch this. I swore I'd never let a man treat me this way. I was so wrong. I was married to a major narcissistic man. Also he is a manipulating, gas lighting person. These type of people will slowly kill you. You can get out. You can live a life with happiness!! I'm living proof! See the red flags and run the opposite direction of these type of people. God bless you and stay strong. YOU MATTER ❤
But what if he is the father of your child and he is pursuing 50% custody. Then what? I never saw the signs until I had the baby and he turned into a monster.
@@westcoastgal4078 I have no advice but I am so sorry you are in this, all the best and sending good vibes.
@@westcoastgal4078 check out '''Stephanie Lyn Coaching'''. Might help. I follow her yt channel for quite a while now and she is really good. She focuses on all kinds of issues but mainly on narcissists. Her ex husband is a narcissist and they have a son together.
@@westcoastgal4078 Dr. Ramani has a Utube channel with videos on this topic. Kris Godinez ( she is a licensed Psychologist) We Need to Talk has a great channel and has many videos on this topic too. Read the book, "Splitting - Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Narcissist" Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD and Randi Kreger. It's a great book, wish I'd have found it prior to divorcing. Good luck to you and your kids. Put yourself and your kids first and stay strong. Don't worry about being all nice and fair with him - just be emotionally neutral (greyrock) and find the best lawyer you can who is familiar with Narcissists. I made the mistake of responding towards him as if he'd want to be fair, kind and follow the law. Make copies of every single financial and legal documents you have together. Make copies of photos too - my ex- stole both and hid far too many of these things. Good luck, peace and success for you and your kids.
Awesome, me too!! I love my life , now!!
I had no idea what a narcissist was. The night I left him i just told him I'm tired of this, and i'll do anything to get rid of you. He looked so SURPRISED! Then I just left.
You go girl!
Good for you!!! 👏👏👏😊
The last day I worked closely with a narcissist, was at the going away party she was giving herself. Co-workers insisted I attend. While she was passing out a list of her life accomplishments to everyone, she gave me a bag of peanut M&Ms with a short note attached. I tore the note off without reading whatever toxic message it had, threw it into the trash and sat there and ate the M&Ms.
@@OvertheGarage-wv1wn💪💯
Me too I think word is getting thrown around too much. When I broke up with my ex I said, " it is either couples therapy like you said you would go to or we are done." His response was "I never agreed to therapy" which I said, "I am done with the mind games." He admitted, he was selfish and left. Don't waste your time on men that don't want to go to therapy for their wandering ways!
I always say, "They don't fall in love," "they fall in obsesssion."
I know a narc who calls her crushes her obsessions!😮
They fall in Control.
its more like an obsession for control
The second they know they got you … they plan for the next
They fall for blindness, the more they have blinded you.
The more they want to manipulate you.
🎯💯✅
"I'll be darned if somebody who is toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off"! Dr Ramani, LOVE THIS! Been suffering COMPASSION FATIGUE big time!! GREAT term!
You're lucky you've never been around a narcissist.
I found the discussion very insightful relevant and all are facts..
I could relate to this inside out as I have dealt with such bullshit
I felt touched, too as a licensed professional
Excellent quote! Amazing power in those words.
It took so long to realize that reacting to and engaging with a narcissist was not just counter-productive but giving the narc what they wanted. In my mind, I thought verbalizing what they were doing wrong--addressing it--was the same as shining a light and chasing off the shadows. But it's just like the trolls online: They want to upset you. Your pain is their power. Ignoring them and steering clear is your power.
Believe me I am finally learning the same thing. She attacks me and then stupid me I react and that gives them exactly what they want back
Well said... I'm a very nice guy and I'm ignoring them now and they aren't handling it well at all.. I really bought into them and really regret it. They berated me so much in a weird joking way and for awhile and I'm so done w that shit.. I was doing well before I met them.. they are so messed up and have brought me down so much.. I fell into the trap and feel stupid for it
One phrase that I use is "Thank you for sharing" with a Spock-like demeanor. It acknowledges that I've heard them, but doesn't give them the gratification of upsetting me.
Brilliant. Thank you for sharing.
😂 Spock like!!! Adding this to my bag of tricks thank you 🙏🏽
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone that is going to melt it into bullets”. Gave me chills down my spine
Me too.
I save my pain for my therapist. Not my acquaintances, neighbors or co workers. They will use it against you, and I don't let people vent to me or gossip to me. They will turn this around say you said it, just cut them off, period.
And that is what they do.
It's quite a comment. Be safe out there folks
Doesn't it??? Shook me to the core!
I love how Ramani shows her humaness by saying even she still gets played. She's so expert in this topic so it makes me feel more compassionate towards myself!
Narcs take every opportunity to suck out the life of people. I guess that's part of why they are sometimes called Energy Vampires.
🙏💖
Yeah I need that too... dealing with it and dealing with my own stuff is so difficult and feels like there is no one to trust but if the good Dr can be played then makes sense why I'm struggling with idiots at worst time I my life still gaslighting still invalidating me it's awful. The way they can make you feel bad when u already feel really bad is soul destroying. My mistake has been projecting my good traits onto them, when they don't have them! Then again you expect family to be there not to destroy you. Glad to know I'm not alone that's some consolation and helps keep me going 🙏🙏
Soo true💕🥰
@@bereal6590 I dealt with it everyday of my life by my brother who was a violent narcissist. Who died from a fentanyl overdose about two years ago at the age of 36. And my age at the time was 34. Which really messes with me that he is dead. Everyone tells me I need to learn how to forgive him now. But his death doesn't mean that what he did to me and my family didn't happen. I was and still am dealing with childhood trauma. Religious trauma syndrome,
Bipolar. Skitzophrenia, which those two are really a spiritual awakening.
The first sign of a narcissistic person is they behave like a child when they don’t get their way. Treat them like a child back. When they get their way THEY WILL KEEP ON DOING IT. Just don’t give them what they want and let them deal with it.
Then, RUN!
If they don't like what you say
Silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks
I learned to en joy
Those times
I'm 55 yes old I can't handle my girlfriend s mental abuse anymore I live with her I want to walk away but I have nowhere or no family to go to I'm ready to go Home
I would go home
Yes and no. See, if it were a real child, you would address the behaviour, and explain why it was wrong and why there are now consequences. The goal is to teach them proper behaviour and empathy.
It is a waste of time to do this with a narcissist and if you try you have walked into one of their favourite traps.
When they pretend to be sorry. When the pretend to be improving and learning. But really, they are manipulating their victim into letting them get away with their behaviour.
When an adult is acting like a child, treat them like what they are. A full grown adult who is making a conscious, informed decision to behave badly.
Do what dr Ramani says. Don’t engage. Treat them like what they are. An adult who is behaving in a disturbing way and who is therefore at best pointless and at worst dangerous to interact with
I’ve been in court 8 yrs straight…married to him for 9 yrs. He alienated 3 of my kids. The courts need to learn how to deal with these people. They are destroying lives.
These people are mini psychopaths.
It's so very true. Law enforcement, judges, all governmental agencies, etc. I actually think it should be taught in school, along with home economics that includes financial economics. We learn so much in school that doesn't prepare us for actual life and that's so unfair. We need awareness & understanding starting with law enforcement. Law enforcement gives power & momentum to the narcissist and not even aware of the damage it causes. A lot could be derailed and prevented at the initial problem when law enforcement is called if they were trained to recognize. Ive learned NOT TO CALL law enforcement because I get victimized again then my narcissist gains a deeper sense of power. It's not worth it I have stories to tell that will curl your hair.
You are damn right. Being a woman of but not sugar-coated in shit. I had similar happen. It still stands that there's no Court Order preventing me from seeing my daughter and sadly what would have been her younger sibling if it wasn't enforced upon me to abort. By her father. A son whom was born n bred into an extremely Devout rich Christian family. So we had already sinned in their God's eyes. To do so again...the father of my daughter still chose Marajuana and the safety-net of his rich, well-respected parents. The husband (my daughters grandfather on her father side) really didn't condone Abortion. My daughters father forced me to do it when my daughter was less then a year old. She has always maintained "I wish I could've had a younger sister or brother". It breaks my heart hiding this from her. And knowing the pain/struggle I went through doing 50:50 share care when the goose was still hooked on MJ
Meanwhile I'm fighting off drugged-up public housos when she's not around. To ensure her safety. I was left with nothing. My very sad, inner demons that soeak to me each day...telling me I didn't fight hard enough...have gone. I fought as hard as I could. I still face very horrid circumstances. Homelessness. Recent job interviews dismissed. Because of recent famial Narcissism/DVO Abuse. But I maintain my belief in God. He has saved me through severe, brutal domestic violence, suicide attempts (well-gone now) and other instances where my life has been at complete risk of death. I never thought the power of Christ could be exactly that...POWERFUL. And I completely understand those who don't agree with what I say. But what I will say...is that in spite of my own training/smarts and the 💯 jeopardy and physical realisation of my incapacitation to maintain both...I would not...be here. Maintain faith. Reach out to those who you know do....genuinely care. Not just the fun ones. I've almost lost how it feels like to just have fun. But I know my inner child is still there. If you feel like I once did (n I'm still quite a loner cus i worry what ppl will think when they hear my history)...there really are GOOD ppl out there. I'm one. I wish nothing but the best for kind-hearted ppl. You can pm if you like. Sometimes it's just nice to talk to a stranger who may be able to relate to your struggle. If not; I will not be offended. I will pray for you. And wish you the absolute best in life.
❤Amge
AMEN!!!
I know exactly. 😢
Ive been destroyed by a narcissist who gaslight me and made me feel guilty about everything he has done against me.... I lost my home, my job. and my life turned into a nightmare .I am afraid of this person , I had no idea hoe cruel someone can be just to feel good about themselves.
I feel so sorry for you.
I hope it wasn't people close to u
So sorry you went through that
Key part- ‘made me feel guilty about all the things HE has done to me’
Crazymaking
When they treat you badly.. you are a walking talking witness of how horrible they are as people and they don’t like it
They make you feel guilty for knowing who they are.. how horrible they are
@@MattMussett well she lost her home and job i'd say that's close enough
you will get through this Marcela
Omg... :( so what's ur plan now?
Any relationship with a narcissist is a true waste of time.
You never know until you are robbed . Everything you say is true. Lies and deceptive .
@@nancyjenkins8617 do you mean robbed of things or of self?
Don't defend explain, engage or personalize
Not entirely- there are here to help us learn our lessons and suffer.
@@Sho-gr3wumainly Self.
I love "somebody abusing you is never your fault". Thank you again, Dr. Ramani.
💯 many therapists out there actually blame the victim for their abuse & turn people away from getting therapy all together
@@angellenamay many therapists are abusive
Communicating with someone who INVALIDATES you means mastering the Art of INDIFFERENCE.
Do not INTERNALIZE their invalidation of you, your words, your plan, the way you sat down, rolled over, breathe.
Dr. Ramani saved me. Thanks so much!
Listening to this makes me realize how much I have tolerated over the years. It makes me really sad, I feel so broken.
Same, girl. Same. I’m working on my repairs, though. I hope you do, too. I don’t know you but I know for a fact that YOU MATTER! ❤️✌🏻🖖🏻
I had magnificent narcissist mother& malignant narc husband. I went no contact from them both finally. I see my mother rarely and it is always bad for me. But now that i know the truth about them it's easy not to take any of their bullshit personally. Pretty much everything they ever (always) said about me was a lie! When the blinders fell off & i embraced the truth, and spent years in self-help i must add... It set me free. You can do it too. Just think... After some serious self-care and education, plus implementing strong, healthy boundaries for yourself, you'll realize what a strong, good person you are! Peace be with you!
Just stay far away from them and break the trauma bond they created. I did and you will feel so much better. Go no contact with them. They will never admit what they did. Just think of YOU and take care of YOU. 🙏🙏💪🌼🌼
@@lmiaaamin1660 it took them many years to do damage so get counseling and stay away then you will heal. You will not feel guilty or pity them or be sucked back in.
It makes me really mad.. I allowed this .
Thank you - I have been saying this forever. Mental abuse does the MOST DAMAGE.
And physical, emotional and financial
It took me 10y of healing myself back to “me”, going all the way back to childhood & standing IN my shadows, feeling the pain & walking myself through & finally standing in my power. I even genuinely forgave the S.O.B. So I could be free from any traces left behind & be free to possibly love again. He was so evil but covered it sooo well
1...don't believe the lies.
Do not defend.
Do not engage.
Do not explain.
Do not personalize.
They lack empathy.
They think they are entitled.
I shared with my adult daughter one effect a trauma from my childhood had on me. She posted it online to prove I am delusional! I’m going through disbelief and grief over my only child’s efforts to dismantle my life. She is doing all she can to remove me from the marital home, her father is a malignant narcissist and whereas he had no interest in her at all while she was growing up, he has now discovered she is like him, so to say this is a toxic household would be an understatement. It’s devastating given the family I came from and things that happened to me in that family. Dr Ramani is right, they use your vulnerabilities against you. I wish I had woken up sooner, the signs were there for so long.
So sorry. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in over four years, nor have I seen my two grandchildren. It was all over a misunderstanding, and she told outright lies about me. My daughter was molested by her biological father and I bent over backwards for her after discovering it. Then to be betrayed like she did was/is excruciatingly painful.
@@Hatbox948 It is a betrayal and excruciatingly painful, I agree. I have just started going to a counselor to try to get some indication of what is going on with her. Although to be told she most likely won’t change is hard to accept and that of course the counselor said he can’t diagnose her, but it helps to hear his insights and for me to talk about her behavior and the lies she tells about me. She told me a couple of years ago she thinks she’s a sociopath, she has no empathy and so it wasn’t a shock to hear her say that. When she was younger she wrote in a book that she likes to manipulate people, so there’s a lot going on with her. I have been the parent that has been there for her constantly, but it’s me she’s trying to destroy. I have to work on accepting this will continue to be an open wound unless she gets help, which I doubt very much she will.
So sorry for the pain you shared in this post regarding your daughter. This type of pain and experience is emotionally difficult and draining. God bless and keep you. 🙏🏾
@@Hatbox948 I’m so sorry to read your comment. The lies are so incredibly painful. You’re right, it is a betrayal. I’ll never understand it, it will always be an open wound, the pain will always be there.
@@Explorer63-k6d Thank you.
I've got to the point of avoiding conversation because I know what reaction I will get no matter how nice I am. When there's no end in sight, there's no point in carrying on with friendship/relationship. Too many red flags, too much ego, too stubborn it's, tiring, draining.. Eventually the silence kills. Gotta leave to save my sanity.
Literally feel the exact same way, well said 👏
@@kerstinmiller223 be careful he doesn't stalk you with your device. Mine did. Even though I had antivirus software and factory reset my device. He became a hacker , just to torment me. When you leave ,throw it in the trash. Otherwise he will wreck your new life,turn everyone against you in your community,break in and vandalize your new place. And an old device will infect a new one! He's probably watching everything you do on computer! Be CAREFUL.Watch your back. Drain the battery if you need privacy because they WILL activate the microphone to eavesdrop on your conversations to circumvent you! Sorry you are going through this. I'm here if you need to talk
I can relate to your feelings.....the wisest thing to do for ourselves is keep our boundaries wider or limit contact or just incommunicado....for our own sanity and mental health really.
My cat is the narcissist in my life
This is crazy..I'm going thru this with my girlfriend
“Narcissistic people will Weaponized your vulnerabilities.“
Wow. This video should be required viewing for every young girl in a high school in the country. I got tangled up with a narcissist and it really cost me.
Yes especially to help them recognize a parent, grandparent or future boyfriend/gir,friend as a narcissistic if they are one:
Boys and Men get Abused too.
This stuff needs taught way before high-school.
yes, and before weaponizing your vulnerabilities, they will cater to them. that's the hell of it. but it never lasts too long. I suppose that's also the hell of it.
Really interesting you assume men don't deal with narc women.
A narcissist never wants to see you happy and succeed in life,they get a kick out of your downfalls
Yes my mother hates to see me happy, im 60
They’ll kick you when you’re down and cut you when you’re up.
So true
Only the money they can use for them.
They cause then
28:22 "I'll be damned if someone who is toxic is going to be the reason the most beautiful part of myself gets turned off" ❤
If you're reading this I'm praying something amazing happens for you today.🙏🏻❤
It did, thank you 😄🙌
Thank you a lot of us need something good. Same to you.
Same to you
You too..
Thank you! 🌸
I literally had to stop listening to Dr. Ramani for 6 months because hearing all the ways I was being abused hurt so bad. On one hand I felt blessed for having found out the what but I just would listen and listen and every single thing she talks about is exactly what I experienced and it hurt so so bad. But I will still say the information she’s shared has saved my life.
I agree !!! It feels good to be understood. To know it wasn’t my fault. That there is actual clinical terminology for what I’ve lived through, etc…
On the other had, it does stir up old pain & trauma, I thought I had dealt with. Its amazing the triggers that send me into a flashback that is 30+ years in the past. I’m sending you hugs & best wishes for a healed spirit & soul. 🧸👍☮️
I could literally copy and paste this. It was overwhelming. I felt like I was having an identity crisis a year ago when I found her.
It is called painful awakening. It took for me couple of weeks. It is totally normal. I think Lisa Romano mention this in her videos.
I just found her, I'm realizing that I have some horribly toxic friendships because of her and others putting out good digestible material.
@@cide3197 thank you sweetheart! ❤️
1. I am not my flashbacks or trauma
2. My goal/plan is calm countenance, peace and emotional regulation
3. I embrace my emotions, they protect and teach me
4. It great to put myself first on occasion
5. My life is mine and yours is yours. I make my own choices and it's ur responsibility to make yours
God bless, protect, guide & heal you❣️🩷✝️🩷 You are loved by Him! You were uniquely & beautifully created intentionally! You are worth dying for to Jesus - God, Himself!
On staying…. In my case, it was two fold. Primarily, I wanted to be with and around my children until they were adults. In the case of one of them who has been frequently targeted, I felt the need to stay to run interference. Second, I have been with my wife since we were 18 years old. Strangely, I have been absolutely hardwired in ways of provision and protection for her. It’s the oddest feeling to want to protect someone who is so vile and toxic toward you. I have not been error-free, but have never cheated despite being maritally rejected and enduring almost 20 years of celibacy beginning in my mid 30’s. I am finally done with three decades of mental, verbal, physical and financial abuse and am planning to exit. She knows it’s over…wish me luck!
☮️💜 and good luck. I did it when my kids were too young and that was not a smart decision.
Be strong. God bless you and best wishes.
Hope you’ve planned for the worst manipulation and smear campaign you’ll ever be subjected to. I’d suggest finding a therapist or counselor who understands narcissism, explain the situation to him/her, then take your kids with you to help prepare them for what’s about to happen bcs believe me, the narc won’t go away peacefully. Parental alienation is the worst.
@@aalovelace2776 my kids are adults. While I’d prefer and will pursue an amicable split, I am nonetheless prepared for war. She has already destroyed my reputation with friends/family so I have nothing to lose and will hold nothing back. She’s a disrespectful bully, but in the end, deep down, she knows not to mess with me. Peace is the only counselor I need.
You're going to have healthy days
There will probably be several battles.
I hope you've stored away some recordings & texts and documented.
A good lawyer consult too.
The courts don't understand this stuff.
Best wishes to you!
I'll never forget when he used one of my awful childhood memories against me when I became a mom. I'm SO glad I left!
Good for for leaving!
OMG you’ve just reminded me of something that reconfirms my ex was a narcissist.
You are not the only one, I confess one of my painfull experience of my teen age, and during court time for protection order, he scream out, outside the court everything, but I kept my posture and I pretended that I never heard any thing, I desarmed him at that moment,at that moment I removed him from my ❤️, he really wanted me to drop the case, for a moment I wanted to I was feeling guilty, thanks for his dirty action, I went ahead and the court granted my protection.
I remember I confided in my narcissist about my traumatic abusive relationship as a teenager. In the end, he made that relationship look like a walk in the park.
@@cindyi8471 same here. I have dated mostly narcissistic abusers because I grew up with multiple family members who were very narcissistic. My radar was completely broken.
I think people should talk about more subtle narcissist traits...
It took me a while to realize my ex was exhibiting narcissist tendencies because he doesn’t fit the typical definitions most people give.
Yet, when we fought, they would come out. I didn’t realize I was being emotionally manipulated. So many red flags, but he made me feel like it was me.
I feel for everyone going through a toxic relationship 💜
I have been here too many times. Hearing discribe the magnetic reminded me of something an other counselor had said about rapists and victims of rape. It resonated in me and just gave me my strength back. I am again in another relationship like this and pregnant for the first time ever. Hes making empty threats about taking my child and other types of slanderous lies because I have kicked him out. I already did what she said prior to watching and she has given me hope that everything is going to be ok this time.
Watch Dr Ramani on Med Circle there's 4 types of narcissists and a Covert Narcissist is the word you're looking for.
There are 7-8 varieties of narcissism Dr Ramani talks about, there's youtube videos on it.
That needs to be talked about too.
Than he was a covert narc. Just as mine😨
I’ve came to realize that I’m losing my empathy over time. I was wondering why I just couldn’t be there for someone and comfort them or myself the way I used to, but now I found out the reason(compassion fatigue). This video was overly helpful🧡🧡🧡
Thanks for this cmt i was also feeling the same
Play are you getting played this far into the game and I know what is it say do you somebody else when I feel bad for that someone I do 10 to keep trying even when I'm feeling red flags and that's something I've got a work on trying to take care of people a pity is actually so I am very I have to catch that one I sense that somebody sort of pitiful to me I got a copy because I has gotten me into probably most of them really horrible narcissistic situations not all of them but a lot of them they close for pity or something almost pitiful static and they're trying to pardon are often not I was one just called if somebody you know when I had my back so I think it's a lot of us spend a lot of our lives trying to rescue the child like versions of ourselves our child when we see it manifest and someone I think we want to rescue before we catch up I'm not a child I'm in adult I got her I got my trial version and I don't need to let pity oh that was a Tonna bricks right now because her OK are you do you know so much you're so knowledgeable on the subject I bet you never get tricked by no I don't know they will come out like a big red dot and you say that Beautiful wonderful that you said that yeah because I really do think that it's never wanted on it spotting to go as were talking about and I think that that's important to know because I do worry that some people I can't believe I am I've watched all her videos and I'm still falling in this trap so like do you even saying that I think just gives grace to other clubs there's so much shame in self blame in this basic Amber folks have said to me I am so in barest of humiliated I'm saying something you're believing yourself for someone and so no can you go to remember we carry this map of our lives inside of us and that Matheson toys good it's like I think or everyone of us are compasses are a little bit off right because of the things the bad things happen to us that hurts curds I don't always get to make that we do we don't always make the best choices for ourselves doing this and it really is it your willingness to do that what are the illusions of the delusions we fall into take responsibility for those can try to find out where they come from but somebody here is never your fault go I could keep going I will honestly good and people find you so wake up you can find start because there is contact coming out every day anything you wanna know about this it's probably if you go subscribe to the channel the notifications every day when it comes out a lot of people say the side of my face and coffee thing I have a website doctorramani.com do you octorramani.com and there's a sort of like us everything in one place links to interesting articles and important things to know enter videos even other things are related to the topic of coming seminars that we have all of that is available there those are the two places I would Instagram and follow me on Facebook pretty regular contact coming out there sharing other good stuff that people are putting our causes a lot of interesting interesting work it's not specifically narcissism even areas like domestic abuse and all of that related to this topic
Yes, that hit me too. Interesting that you point out that we need to comfort ourselves. Had no idea what that was or how to do that...until I left the narc.
I consider this making progress. I gave up so much of myself always trying to help people who often were not interested in helping themselves.
Having an empathic brain is having a more advanced type of brain
Logic is only part of a decision, and completed only with empathy and emotions into the decision making.
Unfortunately lawyers trivialise emotions and this is also a gender issue because women's emotions are systematically demeaned, as illogical.
Change the law to include caring principles and ethics in all legislation and there's a chance for the human race to relearn how to love again.
Never trust narcissistic colleagues/ managers.
Only the silence destroys them!
“Can we let this go” is also something narcissists say when you point at facts or capture them devaluating you and when you stand your ground.
Or “get over it” is a favorite one my mother always uses. Oh yeah, says the lady who can’t get over ANYTHING. Mind blowing
YES!!! Literally just happened to me in a friendship/relationship. She did something incredibly wrong and just told me to move pass what she did.
My narcissistic boss would say to not take her abusive behavior personally
@@daniellelala5045 You stole my thunder. My wife has said that many many times. They are human trash that don't give a hoot about your feelings, but you better respect theirs.
@@amadapittaluga1487 in other words if I do sometime fucked up to you just act like it never happened
My Ex Husband would always say, “Why do you always bring up the past?” “Can’t you ever let anything go?” “What’s the point of even trying with you, when you bring up all my past mistakes?”….. one of the self help books explained that we teach others how to treat us and because I thought that I was the problem, I shared that info with him. And then his favorite thing to say was, “it’s your fault remember…you taught me how to treat you.” uuugghh over almost 10 years, I read every book, changed everything about myself that he said was the problem, anxiously kept the house clean to avoid his irritation, served him home made meals everyday, stopped doing a lot of my hobbies because he hated “the mess” of my things being out for a couple days… then I went to therapy when I finally got sick from the immense stress he constantly put me under. Learning healthy boundaries changed ALL of my relationships, I found out MOST people who I thought loved me, actually were only using me. And when it came to me for the FIRST time needing their support, they gas lit me, invalidated me and triangulated others to make themselves look better and me look insane. I realized my friends and family were my abusers all along and they worked together to keep me confused, vulnerable and people pleasing. If it wasn’t for my therapist I would have believed them, she saved my life. I’m still trying to find myself, it feels like my soul has been crushed. But I have hope now and I’m much happier being alone than surrounded by evil people.
Wow! I really feel you and everything you said here. I’m going through the same thing exactly. Except that I am trying to understand my family of origin now and how they have contributed to where I’m at today. Your words have really made an impact on me for me to reflect even deeper is what I’m going through over here. Your words are exactly my experience too. I feel your sister nice to know that I’m not completely alone in this world which I have felt for so long. I felt like an utter failure but I know I’m not. I know I’m an amazing person and this is one of the reasons why he chose me. This idea Makes me feel better. I am married to him 18 years and we have been together for a total of 24 years. It is so painful to look back in this 24 years which is half of my life and realize that I have been struggling for no reason. that I have been in love with someone who has been only out to ruin me for his own ego supply. Meanwhile, all i did was love him very deeply as deeply as a human could love someone else. My journey has now taken me to reflect even deeper on myself and my own issues, which I cannot deny I have given the situation I am in. I have three beautiful daughters in this mess too. I cannot believe that none of my dreams have come true. My life is such a painful reality. When I think about divorce, I come terrified because he has made me financially dependent. Another dream not realized. I have no money to leave and being a mom to three daughters leaves me dependent even more as they seem to get sick every other week. It’s very sad to think of ending in my marriage as I love my being married and having a husband to love deeply. 😢 anyway, thank you for your comment. I identify so much with it as you can see. I wish you peace and I will think about you and pray for you often.
@@carolc6195 Sounds like codependancy.
I feel like I just read about my marriage x
I see what tour saying. More power t you and your healing.
Oh Honey, I hear that strength coming through! ❤❤❤❤much love to you
it took me 30 years and listening to Dr. Ramani religiously to realize I was living with a narcissist...he called me 'crazy' all the time, told me no-one would ever love me...am slowing healing
❤️
i have tried similar.. it takes the time it takes to heal from that, all the best to you
I had a cantaloupe sized tumor and had to have a hysterectomy at 42. My nex yelled at me that "I'm not even a woman". I was flabbergasted. Not sure how to take that as I'm ultra feminine and a domestic diva. So hurtful and weird.
It can work both ways if you really think about it " .. if your not showing your guy love and your testing him constantly like this woman is programing woman to think" a low value man will put up with it " but a high value Mann will call you out on it and leave " if you truly are testing him constantly 🤷♂️💯
Basically, make toxic people unimportant in your life
Well put!
U r marvelous Darling!
Thank you ✨
I'm going through a breakup with a narcissist that dragged on 15 years. It is horrible to go through when you feel so broken and at fault for everything but these videos are helping me by empowering me with knowledge. Thank you.
I wore sunglasses so he could read my feelings bad or good , it made me feel better at child exchanges custody battle s record everything
Try this if you're wanting to leave: I managed to record voice and video conversations where he was gaslighting me. I also kept a very graphic diary of all the events that happened. That helped me stay away because I'd always feel sick to my stomach after I hear/watch/read them that I wouldn't want to see/talk to him anymore. I also went to therapy with the goal of learning to love myself and trust my instincts again, because I knew that my lack of self-worth/love was at the root of the relationship. The more I learned to love myself, the more I was able to listen to my instincts when they kicked in and I eventually managed to get myself out of an extremely toxic - physically, verbally & emotionally abusive relationship.
Good for you. Many blessings on your new free life. It’s wonderful
But just don't think you can play it for them to "prove your point" and just use it for yourselfs....or you'll get the Official Response:
*"THAT'S NOT ME!!"* 🤨🤯🤣🤣
Maid Marion and John Rambo-- have you played back tapes of them to themselves? I have several that are so stunningly text book i feelblike i someone made them up. But i was there. They're REAL
I thought I was crazy, because “this stuff only happens in the movies.” Of course I was continually told I was crazy & made it all up. Then I started writing notes on a pocket calendar, jotting down witness names & brief issues. He found my calendar & it was not good.
yes, I recorded conversations too. Just make sure you can do it legally if you want to use it for evidence. My state is fine with one person consent. It was very good to have this and I strongly suggest people do this if they can safely.
I used to not respond or defend myself against the narcissist in my life. But during that time I wasn’t living with them. Now that I live with them it’s difficult not to respond. But the doctor is correct, responding and defending yourself only feeds into them and takes away from you! It’s devastating when children are involved!
Act with indifference
😢😢😮😮
So true because I went through this kind of relationship for 17 years with my ex husband. Later on my daughter run away at 18 😢and he try to make my son disrespect me when I divorced him.
I've been successfully detaching more and more, while still living together. We now live on opposite sides of the house. Still cordial and interact. But we do not ever talk about topics that lead to awfulness. No politics. No current events topics. No sex. Detachment. Moving ahead with my life gradually.
Are you trying couple therapy? Would it help? @@jenniferhampton5171
I love her motherly aura 💛 she's been a great blessing to my healing
I love how she is respecting the person who wants to stay with the narcissist, she knows how this ends which is incomplete disaster but she respects them enough to try to give them the advice to keep the relationship going. That's how you know you're an empath because you want to repair this relationship that's killing you lol . I can only laugh about this because I am so many years out of that terrible relationship. I hope all of you find your blessings and move forward with a happy life, it's never going to be easy when you are in a relationship with a narcissist because there is no winning, there's only levels of losing. You have the key to walk away and find some happiness in this very short life that we have.
"You can't leave me because I'M not ready for this to be over. You MUST give ME another chance to prove to that I'll change". -words of a narcissist-
I’m gone no way the verbal off the hook craxy ❤
I was blocked and discarded and made them think it was their idea
I asked why he loved me, he said: bc of the way you make me feel 😅. .. all the creativity from the love bombing stage is long gone..
It's not only about partners and friends, it's also in the siblings, it took me a long time to realise I had been dealing with narcissists.
Yes! Me too, Aya Khongsai! It took me 70 years to figure out that my older brother is a narcissist!
I can't believe how common this is. My parents grew up w/ childhood trauma I think and now they're narcissists 😶
Yes, I’m starting to realize this. Makes me so sad. What if the relative who has frequent toxic behavior towards you accuses you of being a narc when you attempt to defend yourself? The horrible half truth stories going around about me from when we were very young and under the toxic influence of our narc parents is unbelievably one sided! I only hear about these stories from mutual friends and family and actually never hear them from her, but she doesn’t denigh saying anything and also brings up horrible things my mother blamed me for. I cannot take it anymore! She’s so nice to mutual people except she’s not nice to my husband, but I honestly think she believes she’s not to blame for anything. I need to just walk away I guess 😞
@@babyc.3015 same
I love that..”they don’t pause, they reload”…that is so true!
I couldn't EVER have conceived of how bad it would get. He was FURIOUS that I would leave after he had "given" so much. He did, but a lot of what he had was because I had helped him get it. The vitriol DOESN'T end.
"Ick List Friend", my youngest son was this person before I even knew anything about it. I was considering taking back my abuser. He asked me "ok, but why? I see what he would get if you took him back. But what would you get mom? What has changed about him?". He was 12 at the time and saw that man more clearly than I ever did.
Amen children are definitely blessings
My children saw My Narc partner for who is too.
I have 3 children that aren't his
My 2nd youngest child.
Said to me when I wanted to go back.
Mum! , if You Love HIM, YOU Don't Love ME.!😮😢
@@LisaDonaldson-m8h💔❤️🩹
Your little angel
Someone abusing you is NEVER YOUR FAULT!! 💕thank you so much :)
Too bad we can't click that thumbs-up symbol more than once. I would click it a hundred times for this one little sentence: 'Someone abusing you is NEVER YOUR FAULT.' Words of wisdom!
The only way to take control from a narcissist is to get yourself from their domain first. You wont be able to figure out anything until and unless you are out of the hellish world. I will tell you one of my favourite stories. Once a King was too disturbed by everything that was happening around him. He felt as if no one was loyal to him and he was always afraid of his kingdom being attacked by perpetrators. He lost his sleep and his life had become hell. So he thought of taking a brief sojourn in the countryside. He passed through lush green fields and picturesque landscapes. The silent breeze that brushed through his hair filled his heart with joy. That is when he saw a farmer who was putting fence around his farmland. But his farmland had weeds all over and they hardly had any crops. This intrigued the King. He asked the farmer as to why was he putting a fence around the farm when the farm itself was covered with weeds. To this the farmer said that the farm was his own so he could get rid of the weeds whenever he liked. But he cant stop the stray dogs from running over his fields and destroying them. That is why he was putting the fence. To stop the stray dogs from venturing into the field. Once he was very assured about the security of his fields he can work on clearing the weeds and planting crops. On hearing this the King somewhat got the answer which he had been searching for. The human mind is also like the field. You cant control assholes from fiddling with your mind or saying bullshit. But you can definitely put a fence ( figuratively) so that these assholes cant influence you. And until and unless you dont put a fence you can never work on yourself. Once you have distanced yourself from toxic people then you can work on the healing process. Same is the case with narcs. Narcs are these stray dogs who suck your energy emotionally. They play mind games for fun because their mind wants melodrama. They hurt the very people who love them. So total isolation from these narcs is absolutely essential for the well being of your Mind. Once you are out of their mind games you can take decisions rationally. Narcs try to drain you emotionally. So everytime you respond to their low vibrations you tend to come to their level. But when you react confidently without panicking and without responding to their negative vibrations that is when you Win. When someone realises that you arent being influenced or being manipulated by their actions they will get tired of it. And after cutting them off completely from your lives you should work on your healing process. Work on clearing your mental clutter and keep yourself preoccupied. Read books and most importantly try to find your Purpose in life. When you find your Purpose you will be able to bear any pain in this World. Most importantly help others in need. When you find someone else who is stuck with a narc help them to get out of that. I feel this is the way to take control from a narcissist. P.S: I hardly find people around me who know about emotional abuse. But I think everyone should read and know about it. In today’s mean world you will find a lot of people who try to influence you or demoralise you using the sweetest of words. Its about identifying these covert manipulators and distancing yourself from them. I have immense respect for people who have survived narcissistic partners. They happen to be the most strongheaded and emotionally stable people you can come across. I learn a lot of things from them. Truly the broken will always be the most beautiful. Additionally, Here's a clue for anyone of you that think your spouse might be cheating, but you think they are just too clever to be caught, your feelings of being cheated on are not facts and your intuitions are bullshit unless you find out for sure. So before you bring your sickness and blame into the relationship get some fucking proof and some mental help consult a private investigator today Metaspyhub@gmail. com for the purpose know where you stand in your relationship...
That wasn't learned in the book the Lord Jesus Christ thinks you're amazing.
Amen ,just get the message and wish them well and go on despite feelings.
Mine truly was all about the lack of information but mama let me tell you when the ladies of Kerrville introduce me to factor I was being abused and in the worst way and what is what was and the wages for reason why it was all the information came so fast from TH-cam how is what&when it comes to these miserable traits in him as opposed to my chemical imbalance + physical disability = 💯🙀♾️🛐❣️
The only way to win is “NOT TO PLAY!”.If your family and friends haven’t gone through this abuse they will never truly understand how devastating it is.🌷🙏
I literally just came out of a relationship with a man who told me I was over sensitive and quoted the sticks and stones rhyme. So glad I had the strength to break free
Under A Palm Tree Production Agency Good on you for breaking away and I bet he wouldn't handle it AT ALL if it happened to him though! They can give it, yet they sure can't take it and I don't mean abuse. ❤
Good for going no contact!!
Yeah I just got out of a relationship as well, when I confronted him about my concerns I wanted a considerate and emotional response and instead I got gaslighted that it was in my head and I made it up.
10:38 "Don't give your psychological passwords to them."
I like it. So you need to prevent psychological data breach. Narcissists always scan your vulnerability and want to make use of it.
So true. Get rid of nasty narcissists!
@
Yes! Data breach is a good visual. So, further, set your paywall to a secret cryptocurrency.
Edited to add: She does mention paywall a bit later.
I was around some people the other day but I didn't want to tell them anything personal. I had a feeling they were judgement. I was right. They went off on me about nothing. Last time I'm going around them again.
I'm married to narcissist for 14 year and everything she saying is beyond true and I'm ready to get me in my children out of this
Be careful.. Use wisdom and get some advice on how to leave safely and start putting money away secretly copying papers you need. And be careful who you share it with they may surprise you and tell him. I wish you luck and may a higher power guide you. Just be careful who you trust. Maybe get advice from a women's abuse center they know about emotional abuse.
@@Rg-ui1wl thank you
Be strategic
I pray protection over you under the Divines wings 💜💜💜 try to only tell social workers or therapist who can help and are required to not tell. You’ll make it through.
Hope you have your ducks in a row. Everything documented you're in for a shit storm. Good luck
My narcissistic relationship started from pity and grew into love. 10 years and several breakups later, I’m TIRED of being someone’s emotional punching bag, supply, and being used with no shame. This relationship has made me hate being an empath and I’ve become unrecognizable personality wise. I mourn the person I was before this relationship, the person I wanted my children to know. I pray that I can be restored and stay away from my children’s father until I’m healed.
May God restore everything and make you more beautiful inside out!
scars are marks of a warrior!❤
"Someone abusing you is never your fault" 😢
Unless you're into that sort of thing, which most normal people aren't!
What an amazing woman to speak to the people that can’t “just leave!” Her empathy is amazing. She makes so many great points and there’s so much to learn from her.
Agree
But that's a slippery slope. If we normalize people staying in that hell - where does that get anyone in the long run? How is it good for any children involved? How is it being a good parent? Often the victim of a narcissist (if we're speaking of a marriage) is as mentally unhealthy as they are - just at the other end of the spectrum. Codependency is the other side of the narcissistic coin, and that ALSO requires acknowledgment and professional help.
Totally 💯
"Empathy doesn't mean being a sucker, empathy is understanding whatever happened in your story that brought you here I'm so sorry and I really hope the path forward takes you to a place where you can work on this I really do, but not on my time."
That's very sweet and all, but reality is the 'suckers' which is how they look at people need more tips and guidance of survival and the abusers need to be held accountable, need to make=up for what they've done and be able to publicly admit what they've done. It's always all about what the victim is supposed to do.
Her openness to still having issues seeing these people is really lovely.
That message at 28:45 made me cry. I grew up with narcissistic parents and became a people pleaser. As an adult, I've been in several abusive relationships with (surprise!) narcissists, put up with sexual harassment in multiple workplace including the toxic military environment, etc. When I graduated at 33 with my second degree, I dropped out of "life" to become a NEET where I work part-time from home...far away from people in my own safe place.
I can relate and now I’ve learned a new word NEET thanks to you. God bless you
@@msmiami9791 🙏🏼❤
I rewound that part multiple times.
@@daifukurinn Bless you. You are strong. Live well in peace dear. You've earned and more.
So sorry that you now feel secluded, start slowly go out meet new people, not everyone is a narcissist.
"They say just enough to plant that seed of doubt, that you're one that ends up cultivating that seed." Wow. Mind blown. So freaking true!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because insecurity lurks within all of us and the narcissist knows it. Its so twisted but once you know it's so easy to see
Dr Ramani is EVERYTHING!!! She is saving so many lives.❤️
My "penny" moment dealing with vulnerable narcissist last week was when I was telling her how I was feeling and begged her to get some help she looked at me and said"I don't have a problem.. You do.. And I'm sorry you feel that way" Goodbye outta here.
Reversals are part of the crazy making
Interesting that Dr.Ramani says feelings of pity for someone is the portal for getting played in her experience. This is exactly what I have experienced in life. Now, after doing tons of energetic work I'm able to trust my discernment and own what is seen.
@dr ramini is legendary
Glad to hear. Many never make it out
I relate to this so much. My mother is a vulnerable narcissist and my feeling of guilt is playing every time. I have to keep that in mind all the time to distinguish between a healthy bond and toxic one.
I grew up with a narc mother. I used to beg for a physical punishment instead of the psychological torture. I went to therapy from my early teens because she was convinced and accused of being evil, yet nobody helped me. In fact, they helped dismiss my abuse and gaslight me. I am almost 40, and only now am I realizing what was going on. I am not worthless. I was a good daughter.
Hugs
Sending Love Your Way!!!!
You were probably 'more' than good. I grew up with the same messages.
💕
You were a good daughter..... don forget that it was never your fault!!
“You don’t want to serve up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into bullets” writing this down and posting it on 3 walls and over/inside the front door.
I knew not to tell my mother anything important by the time I was 14 because she would find a way to use and abuse this. Distrust became my friend especially with those who were in a place of authority and was very beneficial over the last 4 years. God can redeem what man (or woman) has broken.
They enjoy watching you deteriorate their abuse is constant. Stay away from them act like they are dead.
Great idea
Agree...they dont care what happens to you
Yes good idea I'm trying to get rid of one now
They sure do enjoy seeing you detiriate , so yes I'll take this advice,Lol feels like such a relief I never thought of this
They like to see you squirm.
Dating a destructive narcissist is draining! They gaslight the hell out of you, blameshifting gets worse and worse and they try to convince you you are actually getting crazy. Still, it's just so hard to leave because they make their way to have some strings attached. Much strength for all of us who have been or are going through this.
I’m just now realizing I have a narcissistic parent and that pain has influenced my decisions in adulthood. This video is eye opening for me
Once you know if feels a little less crazy. I can’t get out, but knowing what I’m dealing with helped me find gray rock. Dr. Ramani has been so helpful to follow.
It took me 40 years to realise my mother is a narcissist!!
It took me 37 years 😔
GOD HELP US!!!
GOD HELP US!!!
I just found your videos today. I used to volunteer as a victim advocate and always wanted something like this…a survival guide. People always gave us signs, etcetera and how to leave and did acknowledge that it was hard but seemed scared to circulate info on how to get through days with the abuser because they felt like it was encouraging people to stay. Unfortunately, there are so freaking many reasons people have to put up with abusive people for a period of time. Even if a victim of intimate partner violence has left, sometimes they get stalked, sometimes they share children…sometimes divorce takes time. Sometimes minors have narcissistic parents and no way out. They have no power. Sometimes women live in a place where they don’t have the right to leave and leaving had legal repercussions. Sometimes they are disabled or have no financial power and independence. Sometimes they themselves need time. Thank you so much for this. This is so so needed and I am not surprised to read comments that this has helped people survive and get out. This is so essential, and I am positive it is helpful and will continue to be. I’m gonna cry now, tears of joy and for feeling grateful. THANK YOU
Narcissists can remove most of your friends and family in highly manipulative behavior par with abuse.
yes, but dont lose hope, be yourself and people will begin to see through the lies they tell!
I've disassociated myself with family for the reason of topic. I'm much happier and confident because of no association.
This is really sad. I feel like my father really don't want me to have any friends. Now, me and some of my friends are drifting apart.
This is really sad. I feel like my father really don't want me to have any friends. Now, me and some of my friends are drifting apart.
What do we do when they try to mess ruin our reputation and try to ruin our image
28 mins gave me chills..."I'll be damned if someone's who's toxic will be reason the best part of myself gets turned off" 👏👏👏
Wish you the hest Ron
P otf
Girl p -off
wat ??
I love listening to Dr Ramani. I do believe though that giving a narcissist your empathy is extremely dangerous, almost got me killed. There is such a thing a misplaced compassion. This doesn’t mean you should be cruel but once a narcissist knows you are a source of compassion they latch on like a blood sucking parasite that is very very hard to get rid of.
Not being cruel is practically giving the narcissist empathy. Not explaining to them why you're not being cruel is giving yourself compassion.
Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.
It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
It unfolded in this order for me when discovering a coworker had narcissistic tendencies:
1. Boundaries - They want 100% access to my time, and seem aloof that their actions are overstepping any boundaries.
2. Control - They have feedback for my actions, no matter how small the actions may seem, and will negatively reinforce their decisions for me.
3. Chaos - Their decisions will be confusing, unquestionable, and I will slowly realize it has been a goose-chase, often dragging multiple people into it at the same time.
4. Entitlement - My boundaries, autonomy, and self-actualization are all punishable offenses.
5. Supply Seeking - When distancing myself, they first move to crossing other coworker's boundaries, autonomy, and self-actualization.
6. Hoovering/Love-Bombing - When I am successful maintaining distance for any length of time, they will start complimenting my work/ideas, for which they typically offer negative feedback.
My word, my goodness that's exactly what I went through with my ex-husband. I had to go through that with him & his family. I was a doormat for 16 yes. Praise the Lord! I finally broke from that! Praise the Lord I'm free!
A narc will pretend to be a friend that is a victim of a narc and tell you all about the tactics as if they can relate, then gather info on you to then use to hurt you. That one really threw me for a loop when that happened.
This happened to me with my mother who calls out other narcissists and she is one herself! It sickened me and I actually pity her! Can’t believe I’m still standing after 55 years of this abuse! She also was a family law attorney all her life and won all her cases! These toxic people are so powerful! She is an alcoholic as well double whammy! Finally at 55 Years, I’m fully aware of the toxic abuse I endured as the scapegoat of the family! I have go e no contact with her, my ex husband, and two daughters! Took 55 years to find the strength to do so! Thought addiction desteoyed families well narcissism is sister for sure!
Whoa. That is so horrible.
Yes my dad could only see the faults of his father not appreciating that he was indeed a carbon copy. It takes an intelligent, insightful generation to break the chain. I didn’t punish and humiliate my children the way he did with us.
@@yetigirlCOMy story is similar to yours. The only difference between us is I’m a couple years ahead of you in this excruciating journey. I’m so sorry we share this! It’s never, ever easy and I’m proud of us both to still be standing! You’ve got this sister❤