What if you can't stop ruminating about your narcissistic relationship?
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The hardest part is thinking about all your memories together, all the times you looked at them and thought how much you love them… and then getting out and having to accept that they never loved you at all.
I'm very sorry you were put through and going through that, Emily. I wish true love to find and heal you.
This exactly!
I'm going through that same thought process over my soon to be ex wife. She told me during our marriage she wasn't sure she loved me then would say it was her anxiety/depression talking. Once she left and I decided divorce was what was needed, she started telling me how she never wanted to marry or even date and that this was all my fault for asking her to marry me sooner than she wanted.
@GetYaMindRight ! I'm sorry
@@ChurchofCaboose wtf
I feel ashamed for being fooled for so long, for defending this person to others and for caring so much for so long. It is embarrassing.
I feel like I left a cult but the cult leader...my ex will not leave. I ruminate why didn't I leave earlier....I knew right away I should not be with him. I am constantly over thinking and ruminating most of the last 10 years when I have planned to leave and he manipulated and my daughter, pity card, suicide, depression, I have no where to go, I will never see my daughter... I which I had said not my problem and left. 😊
It’s not your fault, give yourself grace.
We’ve all been there, Hon. I totally feel the same ❤
@@deannelamirande432 oh yes! you feel empty without them, you can't find anything that completes you. Like cults, you are more of a threat when you leave than staying with them forever bc you're no longer their puppet. My covert narc ex finds ways to lure me back unfortunately it happened a lot but it's the trauma bond we def don't want!
Wow thank you
Ruminating has been the most paralyzing part of getting my life back. No closure makes it so difficult.
It's so hard to forget the cruelty and how so much of your life has been spent just trying to survive wasting away what could have been a more happier and positive life, that is what eats me, the sheer waste of what otherwise could have been a decent life but being persecuted to the edge of existence by an odious creature who only wants to destroy you in every way. 30 years of nastiness is a bitter pill to have to swallow. 'The creature' died last year, I was so relieved!!! 30 years too late, but then he was very lazy!!I still feel angry about it all, frustrated with myself for thinking about the horrible creature. Motivation I find difficult at times to do things, but realise mulling over it all won't change anything. Time heals so they say, but don't know, we'll see. Good thoughts for you too.
No closure, just having to deal with it is horrible.
Known my ex since elementary school and after years of a very intimate relationship, we broke it off and went our separate ways one night without a hug or even saying goodbye… no closure is the hardest thing ever but I try to remind myself that no narcissist will allow you to get closure, that’s the last thing they want for you
I agree about the ruminating. I also struggled with the ‘no closure’ until I spoke to a friend who said that even some non-toxic relationships sometimes end without closure. It made me consider that many relationships can end badly & not just toxic ones, that helped me. For me the hardest part has been accepting that the love was fake, so hard to understand that, just crazy behaviour. Narcissists are so complex & it really is very hard to understand their mindset. Good luck with your journey, stay strong 🙂
I'm so sorry for your pain Philippa. I can certainly understand how you feel. I too feel angry and can't get out of the thought loops. It is horrible. You are not alone it's clear many people have experienced these horrors. I wish you well and hope time will heal at least some of the wounds. Indifference is a wonderful thing. You have, in my opinion cared too much. Time to care for you. @@philippaferguson1327
Narcissists don't change patterns... they change victims.
amén
My ex did change patterns.
As I learned to set boundaries and to ignore baiting, she started to use our child as a tool in her abusive behaviour towards me.
😮. That change, effectively made me instantly lose all care and concern for her as a person and dissolved any desire I had to continue to work on the relationship.
I didn't think she was capable of that until she started doing it.
Had I known she was capable of such behaviour, I would have never had a child with her, never married her and never dated her.
It doesn't matter if she suddenly gets an epiphany and changes to improve herself. Doing it once (twice, three or four) time/s is terminal. It can't be undone. I can't call such a human being my partner or spouse. I don't even want to be friends with any human being that does that.
She's been doing this for only about a year now. She did change, but for the worse.
When I cut out all avenues for abuse, I can't ever cut out my child. It remains a constant avenue that she utilizes regularly. It's the only channel remaining.
The more I educated myself about narcissists, the less I ruminated.
I am hoping to get where you are, anger is a biggy, and I think towards myself, as i keep thinking, how did I not see these signs so I feel so darn stupid!
I hope you find that inner peace. Watching educational videos like this has helped me greatly. I’ve worked on my physical health and worked on my emotional response for when I inevitably encounter the narcissist. The healing process will make you stronger.
AGREED!!
AGREED!
it feels like paying interest on a loan you don't have, or carrying water to the sea
"How did I miss the signs?"
"Maybe they're NOT a narcissist?"
"Did I do the same things to them?"
"Did I make a mistake?"
"I miss them."
Same :( I can’t stop thinking he’s not a narcissist when he’s being nice to me but when he’s mean I automatically see it again. Awful.
Then there's the wonderful "What if I'm actually the narcissist , and I'm just projecting all of this onto them?"
My psychologist reassured me when I talked to them, that a narcissist wouldn't have the self awareness to have that thought in the first place.
@@achanonymous That keeps popping up for me, too. I had to realize that many of us have SOME narcissistic behaviors. It's human. And then there are the behaviors we pick up from the narcissistic abuser to try to defend ourselves. Heck, I was raised by a malignant narcissist and then married a series of them. That's going to twist your brain. But I have a strong conviction that what can be learned and then admitted can be unlearned and retrained for a normal person with empathy, humility, and caring for self and others.
@@achanonymous You just saved my psyche, thank you!
Daphne McEldowney I have had that thought also.. can be so confusing. My father also has narcissistic traits. And have had couple of relationships with very controlling abusive men. Of course they tell me it’s my fault.learning to love myself and take care of myself. I never want to be in another relationship like that again
1- Distract with things that are meaningful or pleasurable
2- Practice Mindfulness
3- Deep slow breathing
4- Make an ick list - all the bad thing that have happened or continue to happen in your relationship
5- Joyful defiance- do all the things the narcissist told you not to do, mini rebellion
Thank you for that list - assume your wisdom was gained the hard way .... I'm currrently still trapped and finding it extremely difficult not to feel angry and bitter all the time - will try writing it down on the ick list then moving straight on to the other items!
@@moodyonroody5313 thats the only thing holding me sane, now they cant hide from me with their fake emotions
Thank you Luisa
Reading this just put me in tears. It was so easy for my wife to have an affair, I took her back it was easy for to move on very fast every argument that we had she would find a reason to blame me for her affair after taking her back I tried to please her for two more years, hoping that she will be fixed. I collected a settlement and she took some money and left and moved a couple of blocks away from me it’s been three months since she’s been gone and she’s been trying to connect with me. And I’ve been trying to protect my heart and not engage, but it hurts to see her move on in just two months. With someone else on and we’ve been together for 15 years it is so difficult not to keep in contact with a narcissist when you have a child with them and it’s even hard to see that you’re easily replaced in two months This is a pain I wish nobody would face.
Thank you.
this video is like a big hug from someone who is saying "It's okay, I get it. It's normal. You don't have to feel ashamed for constantly thinking about it. Let us together find ways to help you heal and live." thank you, doctor.
🙏🏽
This comment hits home. Thank you for this
We sure appreciate & look forward to Dr.Ramani's "hugs" from someone who understands . Hugs to all of you 🤗💞🙏🏼😇🕊️💫
I feel like I’m being hugged too 🥰🥹
I'm ashamed I spent 31 years being treated like this 😢.
I ruminate about how I allowed them to treat me badly and how I believed they loved me and it was all a lie.
Shirley Torres. Me too 😒
I blame myself for making such a poor choice, not loving myself.
Omg yess i blame myself for not listening to my intuition and allowing this to go on for so long 😔
@@StasiaBanks this is exactly how I’m feeling.
@@thetravellingberry8041 Ya'll: What I take away from this video is that : w e d i d n o t k n o w !
We did not know that this type of person existed! We know how to spot drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles, rapists, domestic violence, etc. but we really didn't know how to look for the signs of a narc. DON'T beat yourself up! They already did that to your heart & soul. BUT NOW YOU KNOW THEY EXIST~ you won't be fooled again! CHIN UP!
bingo, angry that I let her treat me like a doormat, unloved, treated like shit.... I ruminate but I also challenge myself and think thank god I got out and didn't buy a new house for us to move in together with her 3 kids, I ended it and glad I did but yes I ruminate still but its only been 10 days since I ended it and still no regrets I left...good riddance . actually, one regret , I got very attached to her kids, I will miss them, whereas she never bothered with my son or older daughter, no surprise
“I wish I left in the beginning to avoid all the trauma and flashbacks that I now have to heal from.” 😔
yes.
same I wish I had never met him and I told him that
Jasmine Mallari Me too.
Me too. At some point the pain became so much bigger than the happiness he made me feel that I do wish I had never met him. And I told him too.
Oh yes
I keep ruminating about why I ignored all those red flags during the loveboming and all the lies I believed. I lost nearly everything and I still ruminate about it all every single day. My friends are tired of hearing about it so I'm in therapy now. I hope it helps me. I survived 13 years of living hell with my narc ex and his family.
You are not alone I do the same thing after 23yrs of marriage
I catch myself doing it at times. Was in a relationship with the narcissists for over 35 years & now out of it for over 12 years. I always waited for things to change & they didn't. I now ruminate over why I stayed so long & gave up so much. It's hard. Definitely feel I punish myself with my thoughts. I thank God for every day I don't think about the past & pray for better tomorrows.
me too, I do the same. 😫
Same here❤
I am just like you now. Your comment was 6 months ago are you doing better? Did you hear from the person again?
Narcissistic infidelity differs from "normal cheating", because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they've committed! In fact, they convince themselves it's your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they're a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They'll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder "why wasn't I good enough?" or "why is the new partner better than me?" because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it's also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring-all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other. The problem is, they see "love" as receiving constant attention and adoration. This is what they give to you, and this is what they want to receive in return. The NY Times describes it this way. "Narcissistic alexithymia: The inability to understand or describe the emotions in the self. Unable to know themselves, sufferers are unable to understand, relate or attach to others. To prove their own existence, they hunger for endless attention from outside." Narcissistic "supply" is really just a distraction from this condition. When you fail to relieve this (because no external factor can), you are punished and replaced. No matter how caring and kind you were, they still don't feel good, and their disorder convinces them that a new partner will be the magical fix to everything. This is when you get "split" as the crazy bad person so they can justify their sudden change of heart. Even though they blame you, I hope you can see that this process has literally nothing to do with you. You can follow their new relationship, hope it fails, analyze yourself, analyze them, try to be more perfect, prove yourself, figure out whose fault it was, etc. All you're doing is hurting yourself. Turn your focus from external to internal. What do you feel? Inadequacy? Shame? Rejection? Betrayal? These are your feelings, and those are what matter. You need to work with these feelings, understand them, and learn to offer yourself the comfort and love needed to heal them. Otherwise you're just left with an unresolved mess of pain from an impossible situation, and a frightened heart that believes it's at fault. Left untended, it'll eventually just fade into a numb obscurity. Work with this pain, understand it, talk with it, communicate with your body. This is the most important thing you can do. Every time you're tempted to check on them, ask yourself what you're feeling. A void? Emptiness? Loneliness? Resentment? Numbness? These issues cannot be resolved through searching externally. Yes, they were created by an external factor, but it's your wound now, whether you want it or not. You are the only person who can decide to nurture these wounds and build a loving relationship with your emotions. If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
This was so well said. It is exactly what I experienced. Till just a few weeks ago I realized all this! Terrifying what is out there! Thank you for your insight!!
This was so insightful. Thank you
@cindymartin2655 I hope you can heal from your trauma and learn to love yourself the way you deserve. Focus on your health and exercise regularly. Work on your career, hobbies, spend time with friends & family. Travel and do new things. It takes some time but you will feel better eventually! ❤
thank you so much for this comment. you have no idea how much i needed it.
4:02 😂that was meeeee
Being with a narcissist is one of the most painful and dreadful thing to ever to happen to me. I wouldn't wish this even on my worst enemy. If they've left you,you won.
There IS actually a thing that is worse. Being a self-aware malignant narcissist like myself... I'm not here to make anyone feel pity for me. I am here to say: you did the right thing. Run and keep avoiding us. We don't change
I so agree
. The worst
Wrong!! The worst is having a daughter with one and having her use your child as bait to torment you further.....
Never allows to access your child without hefty consequences and you literally watch her poison and prepare your daughter to be like her
I wish it felt like a win. I hate him, but I love him. I struggle with accepting no matter what I say, do ask or change he will always be the way he is. I also feel he did change got the new person. Ive seen them out at events funnily enought that I went to in order to try and get him off my mind. They were kissing and hugging. He took the new guy for a week in California, to both pride festivals that when I asked him if he was going he didn't ask me to go, he told me he had two friends coming from Orlando going with him ant staying the weekend. He was lieing and it was the new guy.
It's obvious I am just too ugly and fat to be considered by anyone for other than sneaking over at night. Im not insta worthy as they say. I AM OVER my shit life.
I think ur response was insensitive and slightly rude. You claim having a kid was worse but u don't know what the person u msg'd lost. Was ur pain worse cause u are a 'mother' 🙄 Also u made the crazy choice to get pregnant and have a child with one... So the whole whoa is me my plight is worse than yrs thing... Is just distasteful
In my experience, rumination will likely reappear even after you feel like you've healed. Acknowledge it, but keep it under control- my technique was to assign 5 definitive reasons why I'm glad the relationship is over. Make a fist, extend a finger each time you list off one of these 5 reasons so that when you're done your hand is open and you can "let it go." Helped me a lot. Also, I like to assign the most painful/pervasive reason to the middle finger :)
I love this!! I grew up with a narc sister and can’t stop imagining who I might have become. Your method will help me see the good qualities I have because of the pain I’ve endured. Thank you so much!!
Great idea and extremely portable!😊
This is really good! I’m doing it! Thank you for sharing❤️
Thank you!
Hahaha this is perfect
The moment you realize it was all fake becomes a seperate trauma all its own.
Ruminating over “why did they hate me so much?” “What was it about me that they didn’t like me, but they love his ex?” “ I wouldn’t even do that to someone I didn’t like!”
“What are they going to do to me next?” “What plan do they have up their sleeve this time?”
It truly is traumatizing. Prayers and love to anyone healing from this abuse!
That is what i about ruminate too. :(
My husband hates me too.
Wow…same here….same exact things I think and say…my spouse bashes me for it, saying I’m dwelling, or investing too much energy in it….it makes me mad when he says that cause I then feel like a failure AGAIN!!!!
This is how I feel right now
Why did he promise me the world and give nothing but then does a discard then makes all the said changes. I am paralysed.
"He was just so mean. He was so mean that I don't really want to admit how mean he was...because when I admit it, I have to admit that I built a complete illusion around and about him- and that makes me feel so...stupid, naive, scared and wounded."
💜
Its the very same with me😊
Mine was also! You weren’t stupid at all, you are strong and the illusion we made about them was what we wanted or wish they were to be. I’ve gone back from leaving and trust me, it just gets worst! I was hit, slapped, he press the gas heading towards me in an empty parking lot because he wanted me in the car. NO. Your not stupid. We make mistakes, I hope you’d healing journey is a smooth one.
I literally feel the same
But really it wasn't us who built it. It was them. We are not to blame. At all.
I think a lot of the problem of my ruminating about what narcissists have done to me is because I couldn't get any justice for it.
Agreed. Like how did he get away with everything he did and just move on like I was nothing, and said I made him feel like nothing and like garbage because I wanted to block him.
💯💯💯
I was in same position but then I learnt that it's unfixable issue and justice won't fix it either... I chose mental peace over justice and started to work on boundarie instead... you can never win against a lier and can only get more and more hurt. If your mental peace means more to you than getting justice, please don't waste your time and energy fighting for justice.... Instead invest in self-love and boundaries... your happiness and success would be the best revenge
I completely get what you’re saying. Love the comments you’ve gotten, but it sure isn’t easy.
The sting of injustice is hard to carry. I’m sorry you are going through it. In therapy it helped me to play the ending of situations that I wish had happened. If it’s violent, you can do this in a video game. There are other ways such as to write it out, act it out, draw, dance, cook. Whatever it was, be aware that the world knows that you didn’t deserve it.
When I find myself ruminating by playing out those repetitive dialogues in my head I put my hand over my heart and soothingly whisper, like comforting a child, "Shhhh shhhh, it's all right. Everything is all right."
It acknowledges and soothes my hurting heart and also quiets my mind down.
I like that, thank you for sharing.
By getting closer to God and reading the word of God, my anxiety and depression are going away, praise God!
May the pantheon of Olympic Gods be praised as well for all the help they provided to the Greeks as well!
Gives me so much strength to know I am not alone in this.
Exactly what I was just thinking.
It helps tremendously.
Same here
Definitely not!
Indeed! I feel the same💜
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- #MayaAngelou
Craig, THIS one is particularly hard for me to get through my sunshiney head. Recently a friend told me she’s not very nice and I responded “I think you are”. Wtf? Why do o have to say anything OR at the very least, “I’m sorry for you” or “why do you think that is”
Got some consciousness raising to do on this!! 💪🏼
Craig Merkey
Exactly
Exactly
Craig Merkey so true. I wish I’d figured this out 25 years ago.
Wow. Forgot about that quote & I've experienced it over & over again & just had it happen again & almost missed it. Ty!
The rumination is the last and most difficult healing phase after the abuse for me. This week I decided to set a clear intention for my life. I will have a healthy relationship. I will not let the repetitive thoughts from the abuse (and all the negative emotions it creates) separate me from the vision of a good life that I clearly want. And it is working! I can feel it changing. Be gentle with your process, acknowledge your feelings, but also have discipline on your mind. Know when it is time to say to your mind, "no, I am not being bad to myself today, enough, focus on your vision." Now, I leave the discussions about the past wounds to talk with my therapist, who can help me navigate them. When I am alone, I just say to my mind, "enough, put your energy towards a good life, stop remembering the good things, stop doubting your choice to leave, enough." Guys, just imagine the beautiful relationship you will have with someone who listens to you, who doesn't have rage episodes when you want to discuss some issue, someone who doesn't scream at you, someone who doesn't criticize your clothes or your hair, someone with who you can be vulnerable. Imagine that and stick to that image. You can have it! It is right after this pain. Stick to your vision :) Everything will be perfectly fine for you guys. Much love for your journey. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
What a helpful comment, thank you Bruna
Thank you so much. I really needed this today
@@alessandra1374 ♥️
Beautiful and powerful comment. I agree with all of this. ❤
I am going to try this, great advice, thank you so much 💜
My rumination changed a lot. Now I’m more thinking about: “How could I let this happen? How could I let them be so bad to me? Why didn’t I notice the signs of how this person really was? What can I do so I won’t get into this cycle again?” In hindsight, I noticed slow dominance-building actions, slow pushing of the limits until it suddenly was very weird and under their control…
This could be my story. Mine got weird too and when I started saying no he just stopped coming home for days, saying it was my fault, I made him feel bad and that he didn't have to answer tome! We were married!?! Wt.....
I struggle terribly with rumination. The only things that help me are: time, exercise, nature and listening to you Dr. Ramani.
I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back
Wh'tsapp him
†2348077446722⏯⏯
Legit
@@kyrazimmerman22
I'm so excited my broken marriage has been restored my ex lover is back after he left me and our kids for another woman. I was so happy to me how he help many people to bring there lover back.,
"Did he ever really love me?" Biggest rumination
I think you know the answer to that . The problem is that Is unbelievable . Deep inside we know the answer, we just can’t face it. You can’t abuse what you love. We were their best choice , their trophy. So here we are ruminating. Lol. So sad. But just make fun of it. Well that is the way I am .
@Lyla Moon. Yes.
He portrayed someone "in love", for a little while, but the feelings went away, he said, when I started " being someone else",... Stood up for Myself, questioned him.. Told him What he was -- a Covert Narc.
So.. No he never truly did. But he's not Capable of it; none of them are.
Biggest rumination...no they did not love me.
@@dianella2008 Thank you. I understand this, but the reality still causes me to play it over and over(what meant everything to me meant little to them)I meant nothing when push came to shove. However I did gain from the experience(I grown wiser stronger) but also lost a lot. Still struggle with what happened.
It will eventually get easier and the what ifs will fade away with the memories. At least we have our empathy and can feel all the feelings they're incapable of. At least now we know it's something wrong with them not something wrong with our hearts.
Left a 2.5 year relationship with narcissistic abuse. I packed up and moved to a new city all on my own. I’m processing a lot but getting better each day. I’ve ruminated about the ‘good’ memories but they’re overshadowed by all the bad ones. The rage, gaslighting, violence, devaluation. I’m strong and getting through it. It feels so good to be free!
Congratulations ❤
Yes, congratulations. I feel like moving also, but can't.
please be careful, moving to a whole new city by our own makes us volnurable to narcissistic abuse, the easiest to isolate. Sending hugs!
I did the same after 4 years. Moved halfway across the country. He followed me 2 years later and sucked me back in for another 5 years
You go girl
The ruminating was a special kind of torture. It was sickening, scary, I felt absolutely out of control. I was trying to process logically what the heck was going on in that and other narcissist relationships. Night and day it was constant and blocked me from getting stuff done that I needed to be taking care of. Even now the thought of how that crap was controlling my life was horrific. I did a lot of what was suggested and also tried to find some good in everyday. I tried to laugh as much as I could by watching funny shows, laughing with people I talked to. I was amazed when I actually did find something funny because it made me realize I could laugh. I started getting my creativity back. Once that opened up again I went hog wild with ideas. I focus on being grateful for everything I can think of. Grateful for a little cup of coffee, sitting outside for even 2 minutes listening to birds, feel the breeze, see the sun come up. Being in MY moment. Being future minded now for me. I keep trying to educate myself on the narcissist behavior because I never had a name for the behaviors I had experienced in those relationships. But if it draws me back I take a break, do my stuff and try to keep above it.❤🎉❤🎉❤
this was very helpful for me thank you for sharing
“Maybe he’s not a narcissist”
“Maybe I’m the narcissist”
“He’s probably changed for new supply, now he’s happy”
“Why doesn’t he miss me at all??!”
“When I called him out, maybe I was too mean and cruel”
this is exactly what I think all the times
I have moved beyond this..finally. You will too..i promise..😊
Part of the brains healing process...true.
My exact questions and thoughts.
Exactly the same 🥺 "what if he really changes for her..?"
The Narcissist will always figure out a way to say you're wrong, even if their argument is completely illogical or false.
Agree 100%
My last discussion/argument ended with her saying "well, you must have done something to tick me off then".
No apology, no empathy, no admission of guilt, no understanding, just the same end result as always---she has to win, no matter what
My husband is a Nars can't seem to get out it makes him angrier and more abusive my every instinct says get out I have many fears they are mentally and emotionally disable me don't know what to do have no means of a way out and their means of support very disabling I have health issues and that doesn't seem to matter
@@afterdroid my husband said the EXACT same thing when I finally confronted him about some of the most horrible things he did to me. His response was, well you must've done something to make me do it. 😡 You CANNOT win with these people.
His best line is " You are crazy! " when I confronted him about his lies.
So so true!
Thank you. I find myself ruminating on why he will never apologise or see how much he has hurt me with his gaslighting and verbal abuse. It is actually debilitating and affects my job, my parenting. I find it so hard to break the pattern 😢
I find myself in the same loop.It's so hard but it gets better.
Me too
Right where you are at the moment and It's been going on for weeks. Hope you have improved since you posted a few weeks ago. Let me know if you find something that helps. Lots of anxiety issues and loss of focus at work on my end. Best wishes .
Thank you for sharing.
I thought it was me
I am at the same phase ...I guess it reaches a phase where you start thinking what they did is their responsibility and how you react is your responsibility..
I still cry, as I ruminate about the yelling, door slamming, hitting, bullying, name calling, gaslighting etc I experienced from my narc siblings. At least, now that I've discovered this channel and community, I understand that I wasn't at all just being "too sensitive" and that my painful experiences were after all valid. Thank you.
Same here! Narcissistic family... You are important! ❤❤❤
“How could I have been so stupid (for 24 years!)” “Why didn’t I trust myself when I saw those millions of red flags?” “Why did I tolerate this?”
me too
Oh this this THIS!!!! Why did I still marry him when there were so many red flags? How could I let so many things slide that were so against what I felt and believed?
Now that we are no longer together I ruminate on how much he is doing for his new wife, things he never did with me. I wonder why he's doing those things with her family when he used to avoid my family!? I wonder if he's intimate with her or whether he married her because she has zero desire for kids? I wonder how long it will take for him to show his real side to her.
I think most of all I worry that it was me all along that was the problem because he seems really happy with his new wife and I'm still struggling. I ruminate on all the things he said I was over-reacting to when we were together, things that were attacks on my very centre of being. He still does veiled attacks and pulls the "that's not what I meant" when I mention them. It is so difficult to be attacked this way through the kids we have together.
Pat Jones Thank you, Pat. :
DariannaPlays Yeah, that’s pretty true for me too. I always thought it was me. Because “he’s such a “good” guy. In a way his gift to me was he changed from covert to overt when he saw he was losing control. It was shocking to see the “truth”. But it helped me realize that all those inklings i had were right. I DIDNT make it up
Stop beating yourself up ! Fact is you're not stupid in any way, shape or form KNOW THAT in your soul ! not your fault you were preyed upon by a piece of shit ( a narcissist is a master of emotional manipulation ) They prey on decent innocent, moral and good people like you ( and me 🙄) thought I was stupid too until I realised it had nothing to do with my " intelligence" Some of the most intelligent people on this planet have been played by those scumbags Don't take it personal just learn from it Trust me it's a blessing in disguise because now you'll be able to spot them a mile away and know what to avoid in future relationships . Never look back , they're not worth it, look forward, great things are coming your way, if you do that 👍 Btw trust me your ex isn't " happy ' in his " new life" He just found another victim who in time, will realise she's been played too Pity the poor woman she for sure ,is suffering already as I write this comment Of course your the last person she will tell ( that's just ego and shame on her side, poor woman ) Smile 😇
I ruminated for years, now I just repeat to myself “ they are sick” this helps me to depersonalise it all as much a possible and allows some breathing room. The key is also to NEVER let your empathetic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not emotions
Oh!!!!
Thank you!
I will exercise that!
You are so right. I have to stay grounded in reality and not let my emotions cause me to feel sorry for him.
Yes,this is a crucial piece of advice for me. : Never let you empathic side make you doubt yourself. Stay grounded in reality and not in your emotions. Thankyou,I'm writing this down and I'm gonna read this every single day and as often as I can.
7.33am here and been up all night 'ruminating' as usual, I am now going to say 'They are sick' every time my mind tries to wander back, see how it goes.
Thanks for the advice and wishing much love and happiness to all for 2022.
@@stevenhowe6677 I hope it works for you, it definitely did for me and thanks for the reminder because I stopped for a while and it made me ruminate more. I’ll be joining you once again. It’s a process you’ll be ok in the end, keep up the good fight
It’s important, as well, to forgive yourself for being duped and challenge any false quilt you may feel for having escaped the narcissist.
I’ve blocked my ex, I feel calm I’m not ruminating because knowing that he didn’t care helps me move towards healing. But I do feel like I’m having withdrawals from the high. Be strong everyone!
I once read a very good book about leaving an abusive relationship, or being abandoned by an abuser and how we obsess and ruminate endlessly as we spiral down into worsening depression. The book advised to try an exercise where we only allow ourselves 15 minutes a day to obsess, then we have to force ourselves to think about something else , do something else.......I tried it and it was hard at first but in time it began to work. I did my 15 minutes a day, then I went to the gym. Or read a good book. Or tried new recipes - I was a single mother with teenagers to feed. I took up tennis lessons on Saturday mornings. I got a part time job. I began doing things I had never dreamed of doing - I trained as a Samaritans volunteer and loved it, loved helping others who had far worse problems. After a while I found the 15 minutes a day obsessing burdensome and took up too much time. I had moved on.........and I was OK.
Love this! There's hope. 😊
Wonderful!
My therapist suggest this but 1hr and I still couldn't stop it, I feel hopeless
What is the book?
Well done!
I feel like I’m constantly thinking “maybe I’m the narcissist?” “Maybe I was wrong?”
I want everyone to see my side of the story after my name was dragged through the mud. I obsess over it.
Same!!
I agree with this too, but one thing I know is, even if I am a problem it matters not, because he isn't faithful and he does not love or want me and me alone so it doesn't really matter if I am toxic or not, he doesn't want me so I need to move on. And yes, he is bombarding me saying I am then i am not the problem. I have admitted to my down falls in the relationship I have apologized and begged for the cycle to stop. In the end, his actions do NOT match his words, so it matters not, I must somehow move on in my life.
7 years later and they all still believe him over me. He is an abuser. If I could go back and change one thing, I would go back and find a way to let go of hoping the truth would come out. It's a harsh and painful reality but let them all go, you know the truth and you deserve a good life, not one bogged down by memories of a narc. and their fan club 💜
Hi sweetie!!! Narc can’t comprehend that no matter what you did!!!!!
But then you also worry that if you overshare your trauma to people, they might suspect you're a covert narcissist trying to fuel a victim mentality......
I have always been a ruminator. This was baked into me. It’s from these things: family warnings and paranoia about personal safety (be careful), their perfectionism, and my entire nuclear and extended family was always doing things, house projects, etc. Something always needed fixing. It was never quiet. I was also always supposed to be learning, doing, not being lazy.
This is not a good recipe, and not when I met the Narc who needed and demanded all of me. They took up every bit of my attention and abilities to solve their problems and occupy their time. I was programmed to respond, to jump in, to fix things and it always took my mind to work through.
I've been dealing with this rumination for almost 5 years after the breakup. It has ups and downs, but the more I learn about narcissism, the better I handle it.
Oh gosh I’m so sorry for you. It’s only been three months for me and I want to pull my hair out. I want my old self that was caring and loving and had an open heart back.
i ruminate about the red flags I did see, the lovebombing that wasn't real love and why I'm drawn to dysfunctional partners.
Wow... you also described MY ruminations to a tee... I also ruminate about the finality of it....
I just find the realisation that it is unfixable to be very saddening... 😔
I ruminate about how I thought for so long that I was not trusting enough and that I was horrible for doubting him. I can now see it was deliberate lying and cheating. The fear is that I am not seeing things in my life NOW that may be just as awful. I doubt my judgement, and go over and over the past looking for some key clue I missed that would prevent me from ever being hurt that way again.
But now you can SEE it!!
Ditto 💟 but I finally healed
Shit. I don't care, nobody perfect! And that's not a weakness it's a strength! Know who you are and know who they are. Nobody cares more less than the narc.
It makes me sad to consider the number of minutes, hours, days, years I have spent ruminating. It's as if I've given my life away to it. I will try some of Dr. Ramani's tactics.
I've spent a lot of hours of recent watching videos on narcs. Understanding how the disorder works and what I was actually dealing with made it easier for me. It took away the dirty/used feeling and made moving on possible.
I still ruminate 6 years later. I just ask myself what don’t I feel like doing today and do it anyway. You can embrace the suckiness of it and get on with things after a while.
THAT bothers me a lot, the wasted time..when I've got so much to do. Then also taking my frustration out on others because I'm exhausted ....not fair to my family.
@@Maddie-5 not wasted time. I understand how frustrating/disappointing it can be, but aren't you a stronger person now? You still have family in your life who really love you. You're free! You're life is going to be so much better now.
I feel your pain i was thinking that too when she said that. I know it sucks!
The thoughts I've been caught up in since ending the narcissistic relationship ended are 1. Do they ever think about me/miss me? 2. Did it mean anything to the person? 3. Did they ever care about me at all?
The answer is no.
Listening to your videos honestly is my best coping skill for rumination. It's also my method to distract myself from the momentary pain, while still feeling like I'm working on "solving" my problem long term.
You are doing Saint's work, ma'am ❤
I wholeheartedly agree!
What boggles my mind these days is..."who was this person, really?", "did they choose their personality traits to impress me?", "did they even mean any of those things?", "was this even a real person...AT ALL??? or are they just an empty shell who pretends ALL THE TIME?"
And how did they figure out what to say to make it seem like we had the same value or interest. How did they know so much of my likes and dreams!? Was I really that easy to read?
He has no identity; he copied and pasted his fake personality following your guidelines and needs.
@@lindseysmith6309
They expended their lives observing preys and ways of hunting. A lifelong career before they met you and you probably trusted them and tell them about your needs and failures.
Even if you don't tell them, they are good at reading people's desires and needs. Don't punish yourself.
I vote for the empty shell theory.
An empty shell the person u fell in love with was yourself because they present as u as everything u are and u stand for there is no them the they that they are is who u see towards the end something empty and dark
I ruminate about the lies: about the ones I discovered and the potential ones I was not able to uncover timely.
Happens to me too and it sucks honestly
@@AryaManIndia Same here....I am in hell.
But we ARE NOT TO BLAME. I have that feeling also a lot and that is the most horrible...
@@AryaManIndia I've been there a half year ago and i live like hell. yet trus me, YOU CAN DO IT! I manage to walk out slowly from the day i block him on my every social media. I gain my peace a lot. With the help of psychology and spiritual healing, i'm much more better now. Good luck everyone.
Same here too....I just want to break the cycle. I don't know what's worse....ruminating when I was with him....with all of his cheating. Or ruminating now that I am away from him....
@@JM-dv3zn Absolutely! The ruminating and stress during was horrible! I developed fibromyalgia because of it.
We will get there!!! Slowly but surely. Love and strength to you 💜
Hardest part of this is that I didn't know initially that my ex is a narcissist. I feel so stupid for getting love bombed at the beginning. I was absolutely in love. I recall thinking how lucky I was. And yes I have been ruminating. It's getting less and less now. It's been 4 months since she dumped me. This video and all the others have been so useful. Thankyou. I still listen and get so much out of them!!!
Alright good job, I just knew I had something special first time for everything, BUT THAT PATTERN OF ABUSE I COUKDNT PIN POINT WHAT IT WAS
You should not feel stupid for wanting love and good relationship. You should not feel stupid for having faith in people and their good intentions. You should not feel stupid for wanting to experience how it feels to be in love. You should not feel stupid for being a good, decent person. I know from experience that it is normal to feel the way you feel and it is difficult to break that thought pattern, but please remember: these people are master manipulators practising on many different people throughout their lifes. Practising how to hurt and destroy other people in order to make themselves feel better. Please also remember that you were strong and smart enough to leave the abuser and with all the mental manipulation that is going on on their side it is not easy. But you did it. You should not feel stupid because you did not notice the narcissist from the start, you should feel proud that you finally did.
Break-ups are one thing, what a narcissist does to you is another, the wound(s) are so deep without closure. You are left adrift still loving them. Ruminating has been a major issue for me, so glad to come across video and the comments. Thankyou Dr. Ramani.
“I wasted my life”
“Maybe I’m the crazy person”
“Maybe I’m a narcissist”
“Maybe I just wasn’t the one”
All these comments helping so much because I’m like am I the narcissist. She was good, I have to give it to her but thanks be to god I now see clearly and can move on. We’ll never get off the break because she sick
All lies your brain tells you..seriously!
All of these. “There is something wrong with me.” “If I had not gotten angry about the cheating, he would have changed.” “I ruined this relationship by being emotional about what was happening.” “Maybe if we get back together, it will be better.” “Maybe I’m too demanding or hard to please.” “Maybe it wasn’t that bad.” “I ruined everything it was all my fault.” “Maybe as long as there wasn’t intercourse this time it’s not really cheating.” “Maybe I need to be more open minded.”
I’ve thought almost all of the things I’m reading in everyone’s comments here. I’ve never felt so heard
Same
The same...Matt..the same
@Matt C That's so awesome to hear!!
This thread is a wonderful, safe place to come➖🙏😊✨
I 💖 @DoctorRamani so much.
She had been such a Godsend to me. And, to literally hundreds of thousands of people just like us. I hope this channel will bring you some peace of mind. There's so many supportive people who care & understand because they too have suffered from narcissistic abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.
May God and all of his Heavenly Angels bless you today and always ➖🙏💖😊
Same! It's painful
It's nice to have a community.
Yes. I ruminated for decades. And I knew how I was treated was wrong. I was ruminating about brining my narcissists to justice so to speak. It's January 2024. And I've finally decided to stop. I fully realize that the people who abused me in my life will never, ever change. And when my mind tries to put these imagined arguments into my mind's eye, I shove them 'out of the room' so to speak. I should also add that, one, they're my parents. And two, I no longer have any contact with them.
Yes -- and over and over again ! Why can't someone brainwash me like the narc did to help me forget about the pure hell I am and have gone through
I ruminate that he's going to come back & want me, that he will apologize, change & we will work out 😢😭
Same here Mayret Rodriguez🤦🏻♀️
I was in this situation where he did come crawling back and he was different for a week or two until he started doing the same horrible behavior that made me feel miserable and controlled. I’m so happy to be in a secure relationship now- one book that really helped me was: “how to love (or leave) your avoidant partner”
I just know he's never going to apologize and take responsibility. However I still love him. I miss all the good moments but I learned that there a Karmatic soul mate that teaches u a lesson so that you can be ready for your next soul mate
I feel you smh
They won’t apologize because they can’t. When they do, it’s just about appearances and there’s always a ulterior motive. But truly being sorry is something that just doesn’t belong to them.
My rumination patterns look(/ed) like:
-thinking about the "good times"
-thinking about the bad times (esp. when he lied to my face)
-anger that what I thought was a good friendship (let alone the desire to be in a relationship) was all fake
-thinking about all of anxiety I had before initiating "clarifying conversations," none of which actually helped
-going over red flags
-thinking about how cruel he was (even when I called him out on it. And how much worse it got when discarding me).
-resenting the fact that our mutual friends ignored what was happening, welcomed his new supplies with open arms, and completely dropped me.
-worrying about how he will hurt his new supplies
-wondering if his childhood trauma stories were fake
-feeling guilt/shame for getting swept up in all of this
-worrying about the long-term effects of my trauma responses
💯
Exept for the childhood trauma, it is precisely the same for me. I got over the "good" moments now, since there was always a bad side just at the corner. I know I am changed forever, I just hope I can find back some normality in my emotion, and of course a bit of my self-esteem (that was not great to begin with) that he completly shredded.
Everything seems so familiar 💔
I always considered myself to be a very strong person and perceptive. I could not understand how I got caught up in this situation.. I always had a knot in my stomach.always felt like he was hiding things and lying..and he was a pathological liar.i have been trying to move on for 6 months. But keep getting drawn back in , thinking if he would just do this or that everything would be good.it is all just lies...
All this sounds familiar too. Really same stories
I would always apologise for expressing my feelings or explaining my experiences and say "I just want you to understand me" and my mother would always reply, "I know, when you get like this I just shut down and wait it out until you stop".
I understand now that there is no way to fix our relationship and there never will be.
Biggest rumination currently going through: " Why would you do this to me? Ive done nothing wrong!..." Grateful again, for your channel. Id truly believed after decades apart a family member had changed. And, here we go AGAIN! Other rumination-
" Why did I allow myself back into this relationship?" Your videos helped me so much in the past. Returning to find sanity & answers. Thank you for these !
It helps hearing that we ruminate so much because the way they treat us just doesn’t make any sense, and our minds are desperately and relentlessly trying to make sense of it. I don’t want to be robbed of my life anymore. Thank you. 💖
Agreed and sometimes we will never get the answers we want and we have to just accept it and know that we did everything we could and that it was not us. We deserve better and everyone should work on forgiving themselves and having compassion for yourself first and foremost because this was emotionally traumatic for all those who unfortunately had to experience it.
@@jclyntoledo Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
Maria, Only if thought rumination affects your internal health visiting a psychologist will be needed. Heal yourself. Your breath is directly related to your mind [brain] causing negative thoughts-anxiety-stress. For a relaxed life sit on a chair, back erect, hands on lap with palms upwards, eyes closed, be still and observe your natural incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for around 10-15 minutes. Be as still as possible. Many thoughts will come which is ok--slowly negative thoughts will reduce and your mind will relax. During your daily activity keep observing your breath consciously. Best part is mood swings also reduce. Do the above meditation daily to feel relaxed. For more healing enter the following on google search and listen before sleep repeating the affirmations for 10 minutes in your mind. -“52Hz affirmations for health and healing you tube”. You will get relief quickly. Best wishes. Shyaaam Sir. -Counsellor.
Yes, that's it for me too. Trying to make sense of the insanity. There is no sense.
I totally agree, I am obsessed with trying to understand this person, and I get angry because I can't stop ruminating.
"Seeing the red flags in reverse and realizing how my whole relationship was ONE HUGE MIRAGE."
Alternative realities.
A mirage is Satan trying and succeeding to distract us from what is in front of yourself
@@Crazychick64 Praise Beezlebub! The all powerful destructor! He's so misunderstood...what a hoot to hang out with. To hell with you Ruth...no offense; it's like a Christian saying God bless you. We satanists greet each other with to hell with you, and use it as a parting gesture. Sigh. What the hell am I on about.
@@michaelmiller8455 I don't know but it's entertaining!
@@Crazychick64 Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. Hope you have a hell of a week, Ruth.
I often think about the red flags during the beginning of the relationship when they first popped up and what would have happened if I stopped or disengaged the narc at the time that it was happening.The what if's is what I keep thinking about. I'm so glad I watched this video its been helpful to my healing. I've been out of that situation for 2 years now.
My childs father said i would never stop drinking . i joined a 12 step program. I also went back to college part time 4 months after he left me and my children
"maybe he was right and it was all me"
"Maybe I am the narcissist"
"Why wasn't I loveable"
"Why wasn't I enough"
"Maybe I am horrible"
You are loveable thats why you were target. You are enough...
You have very good qualities.
Thats why they all did this. Your good qualities. They wanted your good energies& qualities. But they cant have them. They tried. They sucked all good energies out of you. Once you are out you will get that back. They are never you.
@@l.8612 SPOT ON! they suck the good energies out of you and fill u with self doubt!....they strategically do it.......there is a toxic vampire hiding behind that mask!! beware! run away!
I felt that. Doing exactly the same and I try to stop, but didn‘t figure out how yet 😏
Imagine if they died before you ever found out the truth that it was not you and then had to live the rest of your life thinking what you said. We are lucky to have Dr Ramani show us the truth. We can see the truth and you can see you are loveable and you are now even more Loveable. You Know what real Love is and that is beautiful.
I feel the same way.
“Maybe she’s not a narcissist?”
“Maybe I am just a horrible person instead of her?”
“Maybe I do just have a distorted sense of reality like she said”
I find it very hard to trust my own opinions/ thoughts as I have always been told that I am wrong
Same
I know how you feel.I do the exact same thing. Its not you. Its them. :(
same!!!!
Absolutely same here. Until my spouse witnessed the behaviour I never felt believed and so stopped telling anyone and shrunk into myself thinking all these years there is something wrong with me. I’m unlovable.
Me
Im at the end of a narcissists relationship, starting to stand up for myself and working on my way out. I ruminate about what i did/ didn't do get myself into this situation, so i can avoid it from happening again and how to get out of it. I want myself and my life back!
I really thought I was the only one going through this and I have even faulted myself for the inability to move on. Oh my!! It's freeing to know that it is a consequence of the narcissistic abuse. There's nothing wrong with me
The gaslighting, deflecting, and minimizing was so intense that I actually had doubts about the things I saw with my own eyes and had piles of proof for. I had to step out for 3 months in order to get my own thoughts in line. It’s insane to think that another person can rewrite your brain.
Yeah I went through all that to the deflecting the minimizing the digs nitpicking the subtle gaslighting sometimes the intense gaslighting. There's a reason why they're called crazy makers but in reality it's just them projecting that doesn't change the fact to damage they cost already
100% same
Even the police make us doubt our own sanity because they visit the narc ex and say all is fine, why did I report him!
That's why I got a video of the physical abuse didn't help still went back out for now
I feel this is especially true with Narcissistic parent/s. Thanks for your share, I find it so relatable.
This aspect of a narcissistic relationship is truly debilitating and paralyzing.
This is the part that's nearly killed me this last year. It's paralysis.
My first joyful defiance was filling up my fridge with food. The kids were so happy. It brings tears to my eyes.
When I'm ruminating I go to Dr. Ramani...always..❤
”when did things get so bad?”
”was any of the relationship real?”
”why did I accept so many bad things?”
” did their relationship work?”
” do he miss/think about me?”
"why am i not enough?"
"how can i be enough?"
"did she love me ?"
"why didn't she love me?"
"why did she treat me so bad ?"
"can i be better?"
"maybe its all my fault" 😔
omg all of this. I just started crying because I have felt so confused about myself. I had to question constantly that maybe there is just something seriously wrong with me. I would never do that to someone something has to be wrong with me.
@@violetrayne one year and we broke up if August. I’m still ruminating! Why can’t I let him go?
Exactly.
And to answer the most important question: it was as real as the pink unicorn starring at me right now...
The bitter truth it's always better than the sweetest lie. U can Start work with it and build anew, healthier.
I chose to acknowledge that the love I felt was real. It was deep, it was beautiful and I am grateful he mirrored me my own intensity. It was the first time I felt myself that intense. I'm not beating myself up with that question any longer....it is unnecessarily painful. What I felt was real, even though it might not have been that 'real' on his side. That's the only thing that counts. Keep on loving.
This is spot-on. I ruminated for entire days after I first left my partner. Outsiders don’t understand why we can’t just leave it in the past and “move on”. Well it’s really not that simple. Living with cognitive dissonance for so long leaves us questioning our own perceptions of reality and not to mention, our self-worth. Having a relationship with a narcissist is like watching a psychological thriller and then never being able to see the conclusion of the film. We’re left wondering if any part of the experience was genuine.
@Clare Baker So well said. Congrats on your 6 months narc-free! I’m celebrating 2 years in November :)
All the best to you!!!
@Clare Baker
Wow
Thats exactly me
Thank u for putting it into words
So true!!!
@Clare Baker reading this brings tears to my eyes because it's like ur writing what is going on in my life .....I was with him for 3 years .....stood by his side with all his nasty behaviors......only for his ex to come into our country for holiday ....he threw me aside for those 4 weeks....now that's she is gone he is ringing my son phone asking to see me ......I want to forget about him but it's so hard......he brought a lot of excitement into my life ....now he just have me sad and moping all the time ......
You’ve changed my life
I feel like you’ve just described exactly what I’m going through. I can’t stop ruminating. It’s like my logical brain is fighting with my ruminations and currently no one is winning. I’m so glad I’ve found someone who understands and can articulate what I’m going through.
Congratulations Dr. Ramani. This will be my go to “gifting” book. I am so much wiser now because of you. I spent a lifetime living in it, but not being able to see the forest for the trees. Thank you for helping me understand. I’m not lost in the woods anymore. My brain isn’t scrambled anymore. You are a LEADER. A visionary for humanity. Good job, you. P.S. You look amazing in purple.
A hard thing to wrap around my head is that a narcissist pretends the love you, when in reality they just don't care about your feelings.
They love themselves only...you are a toy that is there for their enjoyment to play with...
@@maryjankowski9032 until they are ready to dump you
@@isacece1334 yep..so painful.
Remember that this is NOT because you’re unlovable, but because they don’t know how to love. You are absolutely lovable. 🤗
yeah, because we tend to judge people according to how we ourselves feel. I had this thing too. The fairy tale they create is so desirable that we ought to close our eyes on the action that stand behind it. When they tell they love you, but clearly show zero signs of compassion and care, and it's always about them. their problems, their life.... aaaggrrrr so disgusted after my eyes were open
"Why do I remember her few kind gestures better than her countless moments of meanness?" ... "why can I not let this go so easily?"
You remember the "kind" moments more, because our brain works like this. It's easier for us to remember things that are connected to positive emotions. For me it was helpful to read old conversations with friends of mine (Whats App etc) to remember the bad stuff and especially me feeling so desperate and lonely because of my ex boyfriend. Purposefully remember all the pain they put you through and hug yourself. Tell yourself that you are sorry that you had to go through it. We all deserve better 🙏
I am so grateful. I so appreciate this video. I do have the rumination situation.
Watch Euphoric Recall by Dr Ramani. Helped me a lot. I'm with you....can't stop remembering the good times.
#THIS is my biggest rumination. 13 year's with this Man, the horror story that I have been living. My saving grace, no children. GOD saved me, but, not before Hurricane Charlie tried to destroy me and my kid's. Now in the aftermath, I am cleaning up the mess and, putting it all together again. He just occupies so much space in my head and I want it to #STOP !!
@@nuna2968 my narcissistic mother abuses myself from decades through gaslighting,blame shifting,guilt tripping,sarcasm,verbal threats etc.This is happening from my beginning of adulthood and she also isolates myself from friends completely for 9 years and just manipultes me as a primary supply.but fortunately now i am 26 yrs old man and started recognizes her abuse and healed myself through my hobbies and start enjoying life again. But i have deep ocd symtoms and also ruminating about anything over and over at a daily basis
The biggest one: do I really have the right to complain? There were funny and lovely times!
Ruminating has been the most difficult and stubborn manifestation of untreated trauma for most of my life. It wasn’t even until my 50s that I understood narcissism and all the behaviors that I had been experiencing for decades. It’s like i’m constantly trying to work out some sanity about issues that could are not sane. It’s a frustrating and impossible endeavor.
I just started practicing transcendental meditation again just to give myself a chance for 20 minutes twice a day to practice stilling my thoughts.
I’m so tired I of that part of me and I suppose I should. Thank it for trying its best to help me make sense, but it needs to give it up.
This Covid lockdown has triggered major ruminatin for me since there is a limited amount of things to do now....
Me, too....way too much time to think
Yeah, that sure doesn't help!
Yes..a thousand times yes..this whole pandemic lockdown situation has been a drain on my mental health. As Dr.Ramani says, I started to make a list of distractions hopefullu it will help
Me too but then I started taking 4000 IU of vitamin D3. It helped a ton. I wasn't going outside. Just sitting inside and clearly I was Vitamin D deficient. Just a thought. May or may not help you but it helped me a ton and a lot of my friends.
@@jazz19101 I just found out I too was low on vitamin D
I think dwelling on certain thoughts is a habit that starts in childhood because you try to figure out how to avoid the minefields with a narc parent so run things over and over to avoid problems.
Absolutely! You try to set up scenarios in your brain for how it should have been to counteract the bad. All it does, is show you the evil. Sometimes (most often) there was no reason for it in the first place.
Yep!
Yes! That's how children try to protect themselves.
Exactly.
Wow just today I walked back into that minefield when someone asked how I wanted to contact my narc. I need some property back from them but the flood of strategies and anticipation for the worst rushes back in. I never get anything done because I think too damn much!
It makes sense why the scripture says to focus on praising God and thankfulness of all He has done. It helps us to stop ruminating.
The worst part is realising they move on dissolving themselves of any wrong doing and focus on how they were wronged. The emotional trauma and pain these people leave in their wake is horrific. You will never truly heal from the level of emotional invalidation, gastlighting, manipulation and lies. From the initial love bombing and vacuous promises to where you've become so exhausted by their belittling of your character and weakness. They can always justify their behaviour and lack any empathy to be able to see the pain and hurt they leave in their wake. They move on without thought to a newer shiny toy to play with. I became aware of unhealthy relationships with in laws and a very promiscuous past after I left the relationship. I personally have lost so much from a narcissistic relationship and know I will never get over the lies, cheating and trauma caused from it. You are left discarded after pouring your heart and soul into a lie. Never prioritise someone when you are only a mere option to them. I've seen how she dropped close friends and family wothout a care scared me that it would be me some day. I saw how my ex just made excuse after excuse as to why they did not have time for me yet I was always had time for them and guess what, it still wasn't enough. They have a need to be admired and validated by all. I sacrificed so much and was given back nothing, ungrateful and unremorsful. When they exhaust you to the point you give up on your own feelings they get bored and find others that will entertain them. My ex was seeking validation from people in her NA group and most certainly having inappropriate 'no boyfriend vibe' engagements with both men and women. Seeing in that, how she used to be with me. It is truly scary to know such 'humans' exist in this world.
Sad thing is, after this *endeavor* .We have to totally.......... *re-wire* our damn *brains* .
Or figure out to refill our minds with happy memories that are far and few with them.
Nope like my brain, not theirs! Xox
How can 1 person f$!# over another person in so many different ways?
@Heidi My personal experience to your question.... 👿 In a nutshell.
I can't hope for a better past but I am working on a better future. My eyes are wide open to the abuse I suffered and that is how I've rewired my brain.
A narcissist makes sure you think their next partner is going to be so much better than you. It’s a part of devaluation.
That didn’t happen. I recognize that my narcissistic exes downgraded
@@johncrandall5782 yeah I think they actually do downgrade because they find a person easier to manipulate
From the lack of a mother (emotionally abusive) comes hunger for knowledge. A therapist told me this and it is totally true in my case and I am sure it is for many others. Definitely, must get out of the rumination since no amount of 'conversations' (arguments, really) with my mother will ever help, that, I know now, thanks Dr. Ramani. I want to heal and be at peace with myself and although I cognitively I know I am worthy, I need to FEEL and BELIEVE that I am worthy.
There’s been many things I’ve spent years ruminating over and it wasn’t until this year that I realized I was doing it searching for answers on where things went wrong and how to not ever let it happen again and did I learn all the lessons I was supposed to from these things I’ve been holding onto and turning over and over for years. I had an ah hah moment where I was like, “girl, you’ve ran over this so much, I can promise you, you haven’t missed anything and you can stop now. There’s nothing else that you haven’t already dissected. Let it go, this is taking up valuable space in your life and brain. It already happened. It’s over and you’re here now where the only thing hurting you is playing this tape on repeat so much that you think you still have to live in it. Stop.”
I feel like I am still in love with the fantasy of who he pretended to be. I feel stuck. I know he is nothing like what he pretended to be but I still miss the imaginary character he made.
Same. It’s very hard to accept that it meant nothing to them, and they can now act like you never existed to them. It’s brutal. I think about it 24/7 😢
Time will show you that that was just a character and it never existed in the first place. That's when I let go of the fantasy and I saw him for nothing more than what he really was a black whole I was constantly pouring into trying to fill a whole with no ending
Lavon Jones well said. I’m starting to accept that it was take. Just hard when someone tells you how much they love you and then has zero problem getting rid of you.
Completely understand I think about it all day long
ScottyB doing everything I can to keep busy.
“If I had set clear boundaries in the beginning, non of this would have happened” and thinking what I should’ve said over and over again.
Now when I start to think I imagine dragging the thought to the trash on a computer.
I really love that image of "dragging the thought to the trash on a computer"! I'm going to try it. Thanks for sharing what works for you.
I also have the exact same thought. "If i had stronger boundaries, then he would have acted respectful to me." I'll be also dragging that thought into the trashbin!
Same for me
Thank you very much for posting what you have posted. I'm sitting at work as I am watching this video and saw your comment. Your comment cemented the realization that I can totally do that and start to move on instead of crunching company time on my personal problem. Thank you. Now, back to work as a productive member of society ought to...
I said this to my psychologist, because I thought it was my fault as I must not have set boundaries well enough at the start of the relationship.
He told me that boundaries are like fences around your home; they only keep the honest people out 😂
He said you shouldn't have to write a document of boundaries in order to have people show you respect, decency, or common courtesy.
I love my psych!
Thank you for all your videos. You are saving many lives Dr.❤️
Initially I spent a lot of time thinking that my wife's behaviour was personal and that she was bored/cheating.....she also seemed to be deliberately destroying our relationship.........that really knocked me about....but with the help of reading and videos like these I have gained a much better understanding of the situation. However, doing the research in itself has used up tons of time and really pushed the rest of my life into the background. That and daily strategising to determine how to approach that day's tasks and activities - something that should be so easy, my wife turns EVERYTHING into a drama (in which she is the unwitting victim - the moaning is endless and draining)
Time for this to stop now......
The drama, I feel you. Just raising my voice an octave higher to express myself is turned into “why did you yell at me”. Then she pulls out the victim card.
I think I been ruminating since I was a kid. To run away from my reality. To find a happy place in my mind. That is sad
I guess that's europhic recall... check out Dr. Ramini's video on that topic
Same!!!! Omg I thought I was the only one.
@@ap679 Sometimes it is. Sometimes, however, it might be a wish to escape from the relationship. This is something Dr. Ramani noted as happening to "truth-tellers", as in, those who recognize that there is something wrong with the relationship early on. People like this may not know every detail of what's wrong (Dr. Ramani didn't mention this, but I do because I was one such person) but they know that the world they are stuck in is wrong and that it has something to do with the people they are surrounded with, and they also know they don't like the person for the things they do, they don't trust the "good times" coming from said people knowing they are contaminated somehow, and overall they can't stand the idea that they will have to put up with their abusers (or anyone like them) for the rest of their life. So they fantasize about escape, knowing or believing escape from the area (especially to a far away place) is the only way to get this hell to stop.
For anyone who went to their "happy place", I would suggest watching the video on euphoric recall and the video on "truth-tellers", because both phenomena can lead to running away from reality and trying to find a happy place in one's mind (and, in the case of the truth-tellers, planning and dreaming of the day they will finally be able to escape).
Note that if you are a truth-teller, do NOT give up hope, since, if you were in that role, the hope you had was likely not invested in the relationship, but rather in getting away from it and the idea of being all right. All giving up hope will get a truth-teller is suicidal thoughts and total despair. Just remember to invest hope in the idea of a better future AWAY from abusive dynamics, healing from trauma, and the idea of getting by if that fails - apart from trying to win abusers over or even to impress them (the latter of which might still be fantasized about by truth-tellers), because even impressing abusers may not happen, abusers will find many types of excuses to ruin that.
Just don't ever invest all your hope in one person, especially those who do toxic things. Hope is a thing to be invested, and it should be invested in sources apart from toxic relationships. Because investing hope in toxic relationships is like investing your money with a scammer. Whereas investing hope in the idea of finding a better future is like investing money in a legitimate account - that might fail if it's just one source, but if your hope is invested in several non-toxic sources, you will be able to use it to give you the energy to create a better future for yourself.
Me
Same for me
I just thought of a great analogy for rumination. When I was a kid, I used to love untangling my mother's necklace chains. I would gently tug and separate until the crucial end was in sight and I could loosen the knot a little more. Eventually, I would pull all the entangled strands apart. I still love unraveling a tangle of yarn skeins or a knot of necklaces.
Rumination is like trying to untangle a knot that has no ends. You can spend a lifetime trying to tease out the right bit that would make it all work. But it can't happen. Yet we keep staring at that knot, pulling at it this way and that, hoping for the magic thread that will make it all right again. Meanwhile, our life is dribbling away, and solvable problems are being neglected.
Beautifully said!
Good analogy
Excellent analogy
I love untangling things too! And yes, ruminating is exactly like that. I’m going to try to use the image you just gave me to help stop. Three years is long enough. Thank you!
That was awesome! Thank you so much! I’m going to use that to stop ruminating! Bless you!
I would play the entire conversation over and over. Maddening.
I ruminate about all the red flags I noticed but never did anything. I ruminate about how I made excuses for his behavior, his mental meltdowns, and yet again, I didn't walk away. I knew better, and that kills me.
Here’s my biggest rumination. “How can everyone else love this guy so much, what if I’m really the problem?” I have been writing down all the dismissal, gaslighting, the emotional lies, the baiting, the fact that he provokes fights to get an emotional reaction and then says “See? You’re the one getting all worked up!”
Then when I start ruminating I read the list. Now with your help I have more Arsenal to move forward. God bless you!
Me too, but even worse is it's my mother. I get to think about not only everyone else thinks she is wonderful so do my brother and sister. They go so far as to tell me she doesn't treat anyone else like this so I must be the problem.
@@gingerreynolds2017 Me too. It is hard when your mother is that person.. Thanks for sharing
It's just not one thing. They are who they are. Narcissists don't change. They do what they do. The only thing I have control over is me and my actions. I have to accept responsibility for my part... What did I do to attract this person into my life? How long did I accept unacceptable behavior? How often did I accept blame that didn't belong to me? And the most important question is WHY did I do X, Y, Z...? That's where the real work is....
I promise you that the people that love him are Narcs too. Life is more lonely when you’re real
YESSSSSS!!!!!!!! Exactly!!!! Everyone always saying “you’re so lucky” or “he’s so charming”. So nice to see I’m not alone
“I wasted x amount of years of my life”
“Maybe I’m the narcissistic/toxic person”
“Why did they drop me so fast when they said they loved me?”
”When did things become so bad?”
"What the hell did I do wrong?"
”Was anything they said real/honest?”
”Why did I let them walk over me like that? And so many times”
” What are they doing? (During No Contact)”
” Do they miss me?”
" They told me they weren't talking to anyone else but they just said they were talking to their ex.. How long have they been lying to me?"
“Maybe they're not a narcissist. Maybe they just have one trait.”
“Maybe I'm the problem..”
"Why was I not good enough?"
But I'm doing this less already. It still happens. But I blocked him a few days ago and I know it's the healthiest decision for me. He doesn't deserve anything from me.
Check out HG tutor on TH-cam it sets ur mind free from all this a whole new level of understanding
this
spot on
Spot on...
its not you its them!! they have issues
I finally stopped ruminating when:
- I eventually found a new fulfilling relationship
- I fully understood the reasons why my marriage with a covert Narcissist failed and realized I was so much better off
- My children turned 18, and I no longer needed to co-parent with the covert narcissist
It’s almost 2 months of total non-contact with my narcissist and my rumination is about all of the times I suspected things and seen things and felt things, but was afraid to share with him because of course he would call me too sensitive or crazy. so I’m playing these movies over even while I’m sleeping it’s like I’m detoxing from him and having all these truths finally come out in my visions and in my sleeping and waking dreams, it’s as if I am finally letting go of everything I knew, was true that he denied.
But when I was still with him, my ruminations would always be is he really telling me the truth is he faithful should I stay or should I go? What should I do? I have to go no I should stay because every time I try to leave I get pulled back, and I can’t live without him, because the trauma bond was so strong I was nonstop nervous wreck now it says if I am letting go of all his toxicity.
Exactly me right now
The one thing I am struggling with is, " what did I do to deserve this?"
What you did was to offer normal human trust, but the person receiving it was not a normal human. It was an accident of meeting. You did nothing wrong.
This is the one !!!!!
It’s an opportunity for us to heal our childhood wound. These people come in our life to teach us a VERY HARD lesson.
Me too
You didn't do anything because you didn't deserve this! You are not to blame. I know hearing it from a stranger might not fldo much for you but I am blamed every single day for everything that's wrong in the world and I have been sucked into the lie that is self-doubt and blame myself for staying in this hell I live in currently. But we did not deserve this!
Its also in a sick way, a way to not totally let go of them. Even though you don't miss them or want them back. Weird.
I guess u give so much of yourself u get low self esteem and forget that you are important & get so sad thinking you can't recover without that person .
thats a trauma bond
seems to be one positive way of getting over such a thing: them hearing from others that you're doing fine and you picked up the pieces and moved on...
"I want to hear your rumination stories." Oh Dr. Armani, there are just too many. LOL. I'm 66 now and seem to have spent my life in narcissistic relationships and very stressful workplaces. Bless you, you do help me....just processing it all.
I have ruminated for 7 months over someone I knew for only 4 months. Thankfully I never agreed to a relationship with them, but they screwed me up deeply regardless. It’s taken me this long to accept what happened, but for a while I believed I the bad person and needed to apologise, but my body would freeze up around them and I couldn’t regain the words.
My main points of rumination were whether I was a joke to them the whole time. A connection I thought was real and opened myself to emotionally more than I really had the capacity for at the time, might have been a game to them all along. I wanted a glimpse that they cared or still thought about me, and I felt like I was crazy for being so obsessed still. But I’m giving myself credit as it’s finally sinking in the truth of what happened and who they are.
Thank you for these videos. I don’t know if I would have got to this point without them these last few months.