Yes. Women must focus on their income, as part of their sense of not needing another person who is a Narc . Especially if there are kids involved. The sad part is many codependents feel unable to keep employment due to a squashed sense of self. I had head injuries and memory issues, and I had to find bosses that appreciated my creative talents and accepted my slow math and processing skills. So we must find income and ask God for Help and then miracle happen. I now make a great income .
@@bethbartlett5692 That is crucial....you are right. However, you simply must be financially independent or you’ll just be surviving. And we all deserve to thrive and you cannot do it with a narc. P.S. This mean one has to be rich, but be able to take care of yourself financially...and of course your kids.
My husband is literally immune to narcissism, this is a big reason I fell inlove with him. I knew he could handle my family, and help me in my healing journey. He is total opposite of gaslighty, he is calm, peaceful, never yells, never takes things personally, he is the sweetest and has given me so much security
My husband is the same. He would call my mom on her narcissistic stuff and she would just laugh (somehow she was ok with him not agreeing with her). It gave me the space to be my own person. She passed on 2 years ago and I'm still grieving the mother I wish I'd had, the one who liked me and praised me. But having my husband in my life has been a blessing.
1. Don't take it personally 2. Don't try to change the narcissus 3. Engage in self preservation - set & maintain boundaries 4. Not afraid of narcissus 5. Know when to cut losses - step away, shrug it off 6. Dnt derived their self worth from the narcissus - have strong self esteem & confidence 7. Dnt get affected/overwhelmed by those who enable the narcissus Great tips, thank u!
The one thing she left off... a sense of humor. The damage TOXIC people do is NOT funny. But everyone knows that a person with a sense of humor about their pain/troubles is far more likely to HEAL and stay healthy. Instead of just shrugging... give yourself the permission to laugh at the absurdity every chance you get. Good humor is medicine.
Interesting fact I observed: Narcs never laugh whole heartedly and they get offended when you laugh like that at something. They give you a look like you are stupid. Laughter is healing! And they dont want others to be feeling better then they do...
Phucking Ayyyeee....!! 🧐 For the "Force" 👽 has bestowed upon you Laser Sharp Insight..!! For the Purposes of Exposing the Phucking Narc in "Hypnotic TH-cam Videos..!!" 🎥..🎬..👀 😵..🤤..🤭 Thanx..!! 😎
David Gibson No! What they said is that people with high self esteem and confident don’t need to seek validation from anyone, let along a narcissist. That is why high self esteem people can handle a narcissist well.
Spot on! Thus the wear-down, tiny slights here and there meant to chip away at us, leaving us vulnerable to quiet, degrading and extremely intimidating degrading remarks leaving us with "It's ok, the narc's just having a bad day hoping to give us their bad mood, who isn't a bit off now and again, after all they're ageing!" Ya ageing and weak so much so that that shovel their using to bury our emotions and pride with is 'invisible'!
The secret to becoming narc immune.. Is to NOT take them seriously. These are people who are self involved and committed to insanity... There is no need to participate and lose yourself/life to the madness. Leave them to it. 🤷♀️
I was going to like this comment but then I saw I already did when I watched this video last time they blew up on me for something small. That says something LOL. Learning to detach from the abuse only makes us smarter! You’re so right. Why should we take someone who can’t control their own emotions serious? Bless up and take care ❤
I suppose I have developed partial immunity over the years... when the man I was "with" until yesterday started telling me I "talk too much" early in our connection, I just calmly if sarcastically said, "Yes, I have been told that" and let it go. But he has not let go of that accusation, for the last few months it has taken the turn of me not letting him speak, not "getting" it, "not listening." The volume increases, pretty soon it is a full-on shouting match. Key: do not try to get in the final word. It won't happen. There is no final word except the narcissist's. When you have had enough, just leave.
Julia, I don't know your specific situation but as a bloke who is trying his best, but sometimes makes arguments like the one you're mentioning your husband makes, I'd like to try to give you some insights. 1)I'm probably feeling like shit from work, and I really just wanted you to ask me about my day, but you're too busy telling me about Sally down the road's new dog food or something, and it makes me feel devalued. 2) there's something deeper we are disagreeing about, like how you prioritise your time, who you see, work hours etc, but I haven't gotten to the bottom of it, and now we are fighting and I'm throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, most of which wasn't something I truly felt, but I didn't know that until I said it out loud and it didn't feel right. 3) I'm hungry, I literally thanked my missus tonight for letting me eat my burger mid disagreement, without trying to continue the argument, and by the time I was finished the burger, I was ready to apologise for snapping at her, and have a civilised discussion about the issue of the day. Most of what she does to diffuse my moods, is let me do whatever coping mechanism I decide I need at that moment, and trust me to not gloss over the issue. But most days, I do feel like she does most of the talking, and only on some days is it an issue, so I decided it was my responsibility to get out in front of it and say "baby, I'm not in the mood to hear about that right now, can we just cuddle for a minute and then grab some food, then you can tell me all about it" but then I do actually let her tell me about it, I don't just use that as an out or whatever.
Remember, just because you “can” take it, doesnt mean you should. A relationship where I haven’t to be constantly resilient and suffering is not one I want.
You are soooo right....I used to think that suffering meant I was being the peace keeper, but really I was just creating more oppressed emotions. Im finally free from the people on a daily basis and learned to keep them at bay. Now I have my own negative introject to retrain and re-frame.
Words of the wise. Its true, it can surprise you just how much you as well as other people can take crap or slight offences/covert abuse just because the narcissist knows not to push it any further. But that's just it, they are always pushing for you to take more abuse. Great insight, thank you.
@@ExoticalT369 In times of Rosevelt, narc could get into face for not watching their mouth, and most probably you would't go to jail. Nowaday everything changed, you can't touch narcs body , but they can touch your brain and mind.
This is one of my favorite quotes! She also said, “ No one can make you feel inferior without your permission “. Another one of my favs by Elenor Roosevelt! She was so full of wisdom! 🌸💜
My late husband was so good at this. The last time my mother came to visit my daughter was giving birth. I was becoming a grandmother for the first time and she a great-grandmother. It should have been a wonderful time. She was so awful and belittling to me, that by the time I took her to the airport we were barely speaking. I never saw her again and she never saw her great-grandaughter again. I was extremely upset and asked my husband why did she even come. He said 'Darlin, it was all for show. Just let her go!' So, that's exactly what I did. God I miss that man!! Unfortunately, after his passing I managed to get into a relationship with a very narcissistic man. I don't know how I lost my way, but I did. Probably trauma bonding due to my mother. Anyhow, in therapy now and trying to find my way back.
I was married to a narcissist for nearly 20 years. It makes me so happy to hear about good husbands. I never missed mine. I was grateful he wasn't around.
Woah....that explains why whenever I find something that I’m happy about my narcissist beats it down and makes me feel shitty about being happy about something
@@KathieHeartsYouu This happens with me too. If my parents see me happy with friends (which in their mind is 'happier') they will shoot me down, guilt trip me about how I don't smile as much, don't laugh as much with them, I am self-centred and have no feelings for people who love me I am told. And I have deal with their heartbreak and cheer them up. In all this, my life force and happiness is turned to grief and guilt. I get anxiety of them seeing me with my friends. And sometimes I feel uncontrollable anxiety when I am too chirpy with friends, even in their absence. (It started from birth and now I am 34)
@@krystalricciardi7776 It's definitely a useful saying; it's just ironic that I first heard it from a Narcissist (who actually used it to make someone else look bad: they were insinuating that the other person was not in "control" of those in their charge).
The phrase "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is my go-to when it comes to dealing with narcissists and their drama. I'm also not a person who has to "belong". So being a bit of a loner can be a real superpower when it comes to dealing with the self-absorbed among us.
Used to be uncomfortable in my own skin and not like my own company, however after ghosting from my narc I'm beginning to love both and I'm in training for her not being in my life! Win win!
This was a huge lesson for me. Learning to love my solitude, and letting go of any need to belong or what (I perceived) other people thought of me cleared away a lot of the garbage that had prevented me from listening to and trusting my own voice.
Hearing this, I realized my husband is immune. He can completely ignore someone or grey rock. He’s quiet and narcissists think he is stand- offish and unfriendly because he doesn’t engage with them. He can completely “check out” at those types of meetings at work. If it’s family, he’ll either avoid all together by hiding in a room “working” or say the most minimal thing possible when spoken to. He just doesn’t take it personally and can filter the BS. Used to annoy me, but after hearing this, it’s truly a gift.
Hiding in a room to avoid narcissist whilst leaving other people to deal with them. Very selfish. My husband does this and I’m stuck with the narcissist getting abused by them.
I'm financially independent, empathic, well educated and and married (16 years) to a covert narcissist. I come from a very destructive, narcissistic family background, and learnt very early on.....it's not me...there's something wrong with these people. Being a foster child meant that I did not feel genetically/emotionally attached to these people. But I will say that it took a few years to realize that my mother wouldn't like me, no matter what I did. I have very superficial contact with my mother, but I will stay married, as I am bedridden and require my husbands help in daily life. He doesn't bother me because...and here's the big hidden secret...these people are liars. Stop believing them and believe your own truth. Be as self reliant as you possibly can be. Instead of "Dance like nobody is watching" try "LIVE LIKE NOBODY IS CRITICIZING".
When I stopped responding to my narcissistic mother's "games", I felt so empowered. I allowed her to rage and scream at me all she wanted, and I simply smiled and did not respond. My silence drove her completely crazy. In hindsight, I wish I started doing this at the beginning of my life.
@@lyndseywilliams3618 Thank you for forewarning me. However, I just wanted to clarify something important. In my case, I actually stood there not responding to her. I simply waited a long time until she was finally finished her narcissistic craziness. I made her feel like I truly heard her and then I calmly walked away without saying a word. She did not chase after me. What drove my mother crazy was my not reacting or responding to her narcissistic craziness. She was upset I was not participating in the "routine dance" of her craziness. I changed the routine or pattern by remaining silent and calm. Narcissists should NEVER be parents.
I’ve been actually doing something like that with a narcissist in my life and I’ve also learned about not responding suffers that emotional connection to the pain of what they are doing with your intern help me not to care honestly. I feel like the harder I thought narcissistic personalities the more miserable I was and the more I blow them off and don’t respond to accusations and hateful comments and attacks more at peace I am and it just doesn’t eat at me like it used to.
i'm dealing with a narc at my office and she keeps poking for a fight or reaction from me, by doing these micro/passive aggressive things, but i NEVER respond or react and she's big mad so she keeps finding new strategies lool. I peeped her game a long time ago and decided I won't be participating. Instead, I report her to her supervisor who is a lot more level headed. when you dont engage? they're furious lool. well done
My way of handling difficult interactions is to appear like I'm listening and hearing every word. I'm somewhat responsive. This is all necessary to deescalate the encounter. But inside I am deflecting not absorbing. Water off a ducks back. I'm taking whatever information that I need and letting the rest go. I try not to let it get to me and it doesn't so much if I approach interactions/confrontations this way. I've done this at jobs with bosses and coworkers. I've done this with certain family members, especially parents and even my partner at times. It still gets to me some at times and it's still exhausting but this helps. I let the other person think they are in control and calling the shots when really that's not the case. I mean of course I do follow policies at a job or if I'm being corrected I do listen, I'm just saying I try to ignore all the excessive noise of someone who is being difficult with me when it's out of line but making it not appear that way. I hope I'm making sense and this helps someone.
Me & My Ex Narc was Married for 12years with Children. I did all my possible best to be faithful to him and I always made my mind that I want to be the best house wife as that what I dream since college days. Nothing work out when you’re with a narcissist, My narc Ex still went ahead by threatening to file a divorce and take custody of our children because I caught him severally cheating with different lady and even my friend I also knew a lot of illegal stuffs he does and how addicted he’s to alcohol. I had no choice , friend told me about this Private Investigator which is also American Spy Guy he’s expert in tapping phone and web without leaving a trace, he got into my Husband phone and drives. I found Dirty proofs, real dirty things. All deleted Messages, chats, Videos, Call history from 12years back where unveiled to me. This proofs where helpful cos he worked my papers for me and now I can stay with my child and have a good job. Don’t let your narcissistic partner abuse you no more get in touch with facebook.com/profile.php?id=61550815556783&mibextid=LQQJ4d
My son is. Surprisingly he recognises the bs, the manipulation, the toxicity but it doesn't dim his joy. He listens, shrugs, moves on. It never fails to surprise me.
I recently filed a police report against him, for Simple assault. He got off due to lack of Evidence. HE IS SO ANGRY AT ME(!!!!) for filing the charges--, keeps saying what it "could've done" to His life. But, Taking NO RESPONSIBILITY for the assault. Says now, it'll Be Awhile before we are Intimate, Again. Oh honey, you're going to try and Punish Me by withholding Sex...? I Could Care Less----- I went for YEARS, WITHOUT. INTENTIONALLY. So, ya... Whoever cares Less, WINS.
My husband is immune (he is also a surgeon; I think that says something). I am fascinated by his ability to not take my mom or anyone personally. Finally, I realized that his superpower is to not ask why, he takes the behavior and compartmentalize it. I on the other hand become a C.S.I detective in all matters, and I over explain everything. My husband "I do not ask why but I do know what to do, the why is not my job ". It was very confusing for me in the beginning of our relationship, there was no manipulation only facts and logic. When my mom passed away, I said "I guess she loved me in her own way" my husband said "no she didn't she only loved herself' that was such a relief to hear, because thinking or trying to believe she loved me was confusing.
Love U Love Husband I will never forget a friend told me in the 1970s Ur mom only cares herself I telling this to u now so later on in ur life u will understand When I turned 60 the lite bulb in my head hit me BAM! Robin says I Ur mom can’t give u WHAT SHE DOSENT HAVE SHE CANT FEEL a FEELING THAT SHE DOSENT HAVE FOR ME! Oh now I understand AND ITS REALLY OK OK and ALRIGHT! Nuttin Personal it just IS I’m 67 now. I respect my mother For who she is Nothing Personal
my husband is the same. He was a pro athlete an is an elite coach and I think having to work at elite levels means you have to compartmentalise to perform well. He is very cut and dry about somethings. He's not snobby at all, he doesn't care who you are or how much you earn, but if you're an AH he is not interested in dealing with you. Blunt but without being blunt. I wish I could be more like that.
1. Know your worth. 2. Respect and honor the limits that you are willing to accept. 3. Know what to expect from the narcissist and respect their limits. Do not expect them to do something different. 4. After you walk away, spiritually thank them for the lesson: ----"If people doing you bad, knew the good they were doing you, they would stop.
@William Allen. Wise words! It’s reactive to put up barriers or get defensive but being kind to yourself includes not allowing others’ judgments to attach to you and, thus, building “immunity”. Holding gratitude, I believe, is key to transmuting the negative energy from a someone that displays narcissistic tendencies.
@@roseofsharon7551 Absolutely Gratitude is the key to transmute or send their negative energy back home. Just imagine how it would feel for the narcissist trying so hard to make a target life miserable, would rise up instead.
Growing up in a narcissistic family dynamic has enabled me to understand that narcissistic people are truly broken on the inside, which allows me to shrug it off because I understand that they need help and it’s nothing to do with me. Great video Dr 👍
Dina A. nah.. I used to think something like then realized it’s romanticizing an ideal outcome. Life doesn’t work in ideals. Without supply, narcissists simply move on.
I truly had no expectations for my Narcissistic Mom. As an adult, I was able to tolerate her behavior better than anyone. I was abused verbally, gaslighted, lied about, but still I forgave her. It wasn't until she accused me of physically abusing her and called the police on me that I finally made no contact with her...it's been 1 year.
@@angiebrownstar50 Good For You - no contact !!:) My mother also called police on me at her 92 yrs old - my story is the same as they always use the same abuse against us. My mother at her 92 yrs old, when police told her that if she call again then she will be arrested so, she came up with DNA test that she did and her attorney sent me a letter to have me to have DNA test dane because she wants to know before she die that I'm her daughter - I didn't care to proof and her golden son got estate and I got nothing after her. After the DNA test, I never spoke a word to her and didn't attend her funeral. Was very hard on me but I couldn't pretend and continue a relationship with her and my brother - her golden child. Now I am over this and learned that I should have no contact at my 18 yrs old since by then I was already damaged and abused. My Best and Love to you :)
Someone taught me to say to myself "this is not mine" when dealing with hurtful people, gaslighting etc. It has helped me to remove myself and helps to feel like a shield.
This is sooo true, and it took me a while to understand. Just because they can't take responsibility for their acts does not mean that I have to do it for them. Just because they can't deal with guilt or making mistakes does not mean that I'm the one who should be guilty and in the wrong.
I think I am fairly immune to narcissists. Of course, one should not say such a thing for certain because we are all susceptible. My immunity comes from being by own man, being forgiving and understanding and thereby not being hurt or upset by what others do or say, and not being subject to manipulation. I work in the social sciences, government funded psychology and clinical counselling fields which are infested with narcissists, and have also worked in acute psych and forensic psych, and specialised in psychosocial assessments, having done thousands, so I have my eye pretty well tuned in. But of course, clients are easy work, it is my colleagues who have been the greatest challenge. I also learned a lot about narcissism from my Mum. If not for her, I doubt I could have worked as successfully in the social science fields as I have. The extent of your self knowledge is the extent of your immunity to narcissists and other harmful types.
Abuse victim himself, probably in childhood? I ask because I've come to be pretty immune in adulthood, but it's mainly because I was abused by a narcissist sociopath (I'd say psychopath because of the type of abuse, but I've been told it's an outdated term and not really a diagnosable thing) as a kid, and thus had to develop those skills to a very high level very early on in life. Makes adulthood easier in that particular way, which is good, and I enjoy helping others recognize the mistreatment and abuse they're facing without even recognizing it's there. It's a terrible reason for developing those recognition and dissociative skills in the first place, and I wish that no child were ever in a position to have to do so in the first place, but if I'm honest the skills themselves are incredibly useful in adulthood.
@@JBplumbing12 the extent of self knowledge, this is so true self awareness. Not needing validation and approval from others because you know yourself. Spot on
I’m old. In my day we called someone with narcissistic traits an asshole. And people used to be told “you need a thick skin” against assholes. Which means a barrier where their asinine behaviour rolls of your skin like beading water. What makes them an asshole is not the traits, it’s they won’t ever apologise for their immature selfish emotions and behaviour because they don’t care about you. So you need to develop a thicker skin and just ignore their inability to be mature with their emotions. It’s not your problem.
They are still a**holes! 😄👍🏼 And they are also entitled and all that is important is themselves. The thing is, these days, the psychologist has said behaviour, society as a whole enables narcissistic behaviour! Maybe it didn’t as much in your day, but narcissistic behaviour is rampant in society now! I don’t think social media and the rise of celebrity helps! The world has to wake up and stop feeding narcissists! Narcissists are great actors! They are the most phoney bloody people around!
My mom was just as you describe-serene; everything rolled off her back; emotionally intelligent; diplomatic; yet strong with the ability to establish boundaries. I agree that this type of person is rare.
I think I’m getting pretty close to getting there. Sometimes I overthink what the narcissist might have up their sleeve and try to anticipate their next manipulative move when it comes to my friend. If it weren’t for me being overprotective of the friend, nothing really bothers me. My friend is sensitive and takes the insults personally, which gets me worried for them. Hate seeing an altruistic person rattled by a manipulative person.
Yes. I think it is rare because we are not taught how to become non reactive, loving and patient but we all know it when we see it in another person. I admire people like your mom and it’s great that you got such a firsthand experience.
My Mother had a good friend like this. I always felt she learned it because she had about 8 kids. Most of them were boys too! Her husband was the same way. Both just cool as cucumbers under any circumstance. Great role models.
Immunity you get by coming across something (a sickness) and buildup antibodies against it. I am immune because i build up antibodies against them. Never be a victim, be(come) strong, know who you are and you will never feel like a victim of you youth ever again or sick because of these experiences.
@anonymous 1111 I think adult children of narcs have subconscious program that push them to choose partners who "behaves" like the narc parent, hoping that if that person gives them the validation/love it will be proof that they are worthy/good enough.
@Dzsamila # A narcissist will never see someone else as an equal. I am actually immune myself but at times I just love setting a narc off and watch them destroy themselves and those around them as I walk away unscathed. Narcs are very dishonest and tricky. Honesty will mess up a narc emotionally as they can not handle brutal honesty. "No one's perfect" and then my joke / pun of "I used to be perfect before I figured out how to be better than that." There is honestly nothing out there that anyone has, that I would want. I value memories and not possessions. I don't collect autographs, but I have many stories with many different people that are usually unique. If you know enough about people, remember a narc will always hide their weakness. And if you know things well enough, by process of elimination, you can figure that weakness out indirectly using personality traits and hobbies and such. I am kind of what is known as a 'mongoose' type personality. Very earthy, adopting and resourceful. Also, the reason this works for me is that I am ambidextrous and can use both sides of my brain simultaneously. Always remember, when someone is angry they may become violent but they are using emotion and not intellect (there are two halves of the brain, the emotional side and the intellectual side). It appears almost like a bi-polar type reaction, but in reality I get the narc to think they upset me (when I am not actually upset), and that a 'war' is on so to speak. Draw their emotions out and the narc won't be thinking clearly. And without thinking clearly, the narc will start exposing themselves. You have to appear upset but not actually be upset as you don't want to lose that intellectual upper hand on them. A narcissist always wants to feel like everyone else is beneath them, but when people are emotional, they are bound to make mistakes and make fools of themselves. Case in point, has throwing a hammer through the windshield of a car ever fixed a car? But get someone angry enough and they feel like they can fix anything if they get upset enough at it. It used to be known as 'not thinking straight' and you want the other person to be not thinking straight (using the emotional side without the intellectual side).
As a matter of fact, there is an observed tendency among narcissistic women that they choose a male partner who they can look up to - not in admiration, but in a way that they can be proud of him. They look for men who have money, power, fame, or high intellecual abilities. They use these pluses as supply, in part to earn others' admiration for themselves, too, in part to live an easy life (that they "deserve"), and in part to access assets by which they can exert manipulation on a greater scale on others.
I certainly hope so! Because, now that I've found Ramani, Grannon, and Romano, I went from a self-doubting empath to an educated empath eager to use my skills. Knowing yourself is armor! Thanks so much Dr. Ramani and all other Narcissist educators! Thanks for the reminder, Truth Serum, pal!
My narcissistic ex used to say this constantly, unfortunately. But I have to say, when I started adopting that principle toward him, it made a lot more sense 😉 Everything he ever said about me was a HIM problem!
I don't see that as a compassionate response. Narcissism is a communal problem. It has an adverse effect on all of society. If you adopt the attitude that it's someone else's problem then narcissism runs rampant & more & more people are manipulated, abused, and hurt sometimes to the point of suicide.
Laugh it off is the best way. Turn their comments into a little joke then walk away and continue your own thing.. I was the scapegoat for a long while, you learn how to become a survivor. Thank you Dr Ramani.
It's not just rage that most people are afraid of. It's the vindictiveness for not playing their game. Most people who know narcissists know that they will go to great lengths to destroy your relationships and your life. No contact is always the best bet.
That's not true. I'm on several online support groups and some narcs STILL manage to ruin the lives of their victims through stalking, harassment ... primarily BECAUSE their victim went NC. I really wish we could separate the "mean" narcs from the "that's a felony" narcs.
@@monalisa9598 if you think bullying is the answer, maybe YOU are a narc? lol go harass someone else you couldn't handle me or my mom I could make you fucking CRY that's how much practice I have.
@8Truth Seeking that's a great idea! I've read other accounts of narcs and how their "victims" basically just got up and left and the narc never bothered with them again. That has not been my experience at all.
My 13 year old daughter and my husband are inmune to narcisits. My daughter was born that way, I learn from them. It's amazing how specially my daughter seems to know who is who and how close or far to stand dodging almost all that could be thrown at her. And standing up for her self with healthy strong boundaries. She is amazing. It's not about age or experience she just was born with emotional wisdom. She is a gift from God and I continually learn from her.
Years ago, I read _The Four Agreements_ and it changed my life. Don't take things personally. Don't make assumptions. Be impeccable with your word. Do your best. Those are the four agreements. That "don't take things personally" one was a huge lesson. I am grateful for it every day. I believe that it has made me "immune" to narcissists, as you put it here. But, more importantly, it in combination with the other three, has helped me to be a better human and to help others when they seek advice from me.
But when you are in the relationship or in the family with a nars, how could you keep you mind to "don't take things personally"? [they are not collaborative or lie to any solutions you proposed to resolve issues, that's hopeless and helpless for me.
@@evonne531 "Don't take things personally" to me means recognizing that whatever somebody is doing--even when it's directed AT me--it isn't ABOUT me. They do these sometimes toxic things for reasons of their own--to feed some need in them, to assuage some insecurity in them, etc. Knowing that, they don't create a feeling in me that I would question who I am. That's what narcissists try to do to manipulate us. The keep us second guessing ourselves. My knowing that their baloney is about THEM, makes it so that they can't knock me off balance. It's like taking a physical stance where your feet are set apart and your knees are bent a bit, so you've got better stability. I'm talking about the emotional equivalent of that. And after you've gotten adept at that, you'll know you're dealing with somebody you don't fully trust because you'll recognize that you're taking that stability stance with them when you're dealing with them.
Love this I have these four agreements typed up and printed hanging on the wall behind my pc monitors. I love this book as well, I found it first when I was incarcerated and it totally changed my perspective. Definitely helped me find much more peace doing my time as well
My late husband did not put up with my mother's nonsense -- especially when he heard her baiting me. He was not afraid of her and was a good example for me.
yeah very lucky. my ex wife was a mirror image of her malignant narcisist mother. if i ever said anything i was immediately put down and gaslighted. Eventually i was thown out like garbage and called trash. God help my children.
My mom always try to make me look bad in my husband 's view. But my husband can see right through her. When he started defending me, she started making him look bad. It's just that you can't fix them 😭
My best friend is exactly like this. The weird thing is she struggles with “people skills” and tries to improve in that area sometimes, but when it comes to narcissists it’s like a super power. Because she’s not great at telling what other people are feeling, she just goes by how she feels around them. And the second someone challenges her reality she will notice she didn’t like that and then logically distance herself from them, without any self doubt. This is why being very empathetic is a gift and a curse lol.
Yes...your friend and I seem to have similarities. I feel things..my issue is growing up with narcissistic parents I have learned not to listen to my empaths intuition.
This is my husband. The difference is he has confidence and self esteem and didn't have to deal with these behaviours growing up. He tries to help me deal with the two narcs in my life and it's so hard to break the programming when your core personality was not developed in a healthy environment.
I think the main way to be immune to narcissists is to not need or want anything from them. This means financial or parental support, shelter, companionship, validation, business relationships, etc. The hard truth I had to face is the realization that I put up with the abuse for so long to get something I thought I needed or wanted.
AMEN! I totally agree! EXCEPT when you want (and have a right!) to see your grandson, and they play mind games with you, making excuses, making arrangements, then ghosting you, baiting you and messing up the meeting, so it falls through every time. Grand-parental alienation. My grandson is almost a stranger to me now, and they fill his head with stuff like - it's all my fault when things go wrong. And tell him what a 'bad' person I am etc. For so long I've put up with this for the sake of my grandson, on the receiving end of plain nasty duplicitous behaviour. Then it is a bit more difficult ain't it?!
@@judy1angel Children are not stupid. Even if they can't (yet) articulate things, they feel them exactly. So if you are who you are in those few minutes/meetings when you have the opportunity to be with your grandson, he will feel your patience, your wisdom, anything. Believe in good energies!
Nowadays i think just like you, but my biggest fear is thinking that now i know everything about narcisists and how to identify them and be caught unaware :( it's been very difficult for me living with this. It's like i prefer to identify narcisists everywhere than suffer again with a narcisistic relationship. Going to be single forever? Maybe. But narcisists never again, that's for sure!
Interestingly, I have been observing this in my teenage son’s relationship with his Narc father. He’s always calm and composed, and never budges from his boundaries no matter how hard his Father tries to sweet talk or bully his way through, and says ‘No thank you’ very politely with a smile, which seems to disarm him. He’s fully aware of his father’s shenanigans, yet maintains sort of an indifferent relationship with him, where they only talk about general things.
Proud of your son....👍♥️ But at some level, it hurts to imagine the void he must feel inside - to restrict the relationship to general things! I'm sure you more than make up for it :) More power to you 🙏
Wow--Sounds like you've raised him right!!!! You must be a great mom who gave him enough stability and self esteem that he no doubt wants, but doesn't NEED validation and approval from his father You gave him inner narc vaccine. LOL.
What got me to the point of being immune to narcissists is something my therapist said to me many years ago..... "You can't control what a person says or does, but you can control how you react to it and how you allow it to affect you."
I don't know if I would say that I was one such person, but I didn't know I was in a Narcissistic relationship. Everything that you described was me for a long time. I have been married for thirty years. I am trying understand and I don't know if I want to say with because of lately feeling bad for my daughter's that have a hard time to deal with him. My mom was also this kind of person Andy grandmother was probably Narcissistic. I learned from her.
You actually can’t control how you react to it if you have trauma triggers. It will trigger you regardless of how you try to control it. You can pretend it doesn’t affect you but that will be denial and avoidance.
Technically true, however controlling how you react and how it affects you consumes a huge amount of mental & emotional energy. And sometimes the required amount just isn't there.
My younger sister is a MASTER! I wish I was. I’ve learned a lot from her. She’s a very happy person. Things don’t bother her. SUPER EASY GOING. LOVE HER!
Your younger sister had you. As I see the devaluating pattern now with my parents and me finding wrong partners that devaluate me. I did never see, I only tried harder. Finally at 49 I Saw. Why not my sister in This Trouble? Now 52, trying to validatie myself, I can der, She had me to validatie her. Realising This is at the same time recovery, because I AM validating myself 😊
I was like that in my marriage to the narcissist for 17 years. I learnt to detach from his words and behavior. But it does wear you down eventually, even if you're confident and self-assured. You can pretend that things don't affect you but they always take a toll eventually. I left him last year.
It is a hard thing to leave. Other people don't see what you see, or experience what you experience. For me an authentic life has been hard-won, and a financial struggle, but I haven't lost any sleep.
The fact that you can endure the narcissist's poison doesn't mean you have to keep living in it. Good grief, there is no badge of courage for that, really.
I am learning how to do this. I call it compassionate detachment. Where I observe the craziness with compassion for the hell they create for themselves, but stay out of the drama. Even if I need to cut the visit or call short when they cross my boundaries. And when they do try to rope me in, I just tell them my magicL phrase "stonewalling (whatever manipulative technique) doesn't work for me anymore" or if you want my help, you need to ask me nicely. Or I will stop doing whatever it is that I am doing, "you can wait."
It took me 40 years to become immune to narcissists. So true - I learnt not to take words or people personally - like watching television - you see what’s going on but you have no investment in it.
For me it took 50 years to recognize what it was and now I think I’m on my way to immunity. You are so right that’s it’s watching a TV show when you see the behavior. It’s astounding. Where was Dr R when I was younger? 🥲. Could have save me so much grief, heartache and disappointment. She is amazing.
"My self-esteem is not dependent on your opinion of me." I'll never forget that line from Dr. Phil when a nasty guest on his show told him that she didn't like him. It shut her right down. I have used this exact line when attacked by a family member (yes, I am a survivor of a dysfunctional family--my role was truth-teller/scapegoat), and it works--as long as it's true. You have to develop solid self-esteem to be immune to attack.
I only vaguely remembered the words Dr. Phil used during that particular episode, but I remember how they rang so true and perfectly articulated what the nasty guest was trying to do that nobody in the audience could possibly defend her after those words were spoken; her tactics were so utterly exposed, and it was done before a live audience. It was like she was suddenly naked, and so obviously strangled herself into silence despite the vitriol she wanted to continue spewing, all in the hopes she might later save face instead of continuing to keep revealing how evil/petty/manipulative she could be.
I worked as an RN in a hospital setting. There are tons on narcissists there. One charge nurse in the ER used to just smile sweetly when a narcissist(usually a Dr) would rant. Obviously just letting it roll off her shoulders. She was a hero to me!
True! I'm in a woman shelter, I left my Psycopath and here are Soziopaths and almost all Narcissist and flying monkeys. And they are helping woman that got beaten and raped!
Yup I'm immune now but I still feel hurt from the years it took to get immune, and the abuse suffered even after I was immune. Basically before I was old enough to give them more than they wanted if they decided to get physical after being constantly grey rocked to death by me.
Not always! My husband is a very calm person and doesn't let people get to him! He doesn't take things personally and doesn't care what people think! He is my rock and I wished I could be more like him.
Until I learnt about NPD, I was an open door to these bastards and they tore me to shreds. Now I wear my NPD glasses and I'm not so easily exploited. Do NOT put your inner validation in the hands of others, especially not these evil, dark, heartless creatures. You don't have to be perfect to love yourself. There is not ONE perfect person on this planet. You are deserving of compassion and respect. Give it to YOURSELF. Let the Narc drown in his/her own darkness. They bring NO value to your life.
You are describing my sister. She is the kindest person I have ever met and she is completely immune to narcissists. She is the happiest person I have ever met as well. She constantly amazes me.
I know someone who has a phrase it seems cold but she does it to prevent being manipulated. She says,” don’t care, didn’t ask.” I think it keeps any manipulators at bay. And I love it.
"Immune" is probably a strong term. "Moderately unaffected" is more accurate, but less catchy lol. But this video describes me almost exactly. The big difference is that I called out the narcissist instead of shrugging. I don't know how, or why, but I was born as an immune unicorn. My life experiences just heightened it, and honed whatever the thing is that makes me like this. I was raised in a cult by a covert narcissistic father, who was the "pastor." I got out with my self-esteem intact, and have really struggled to find self-help materials that explain my mostly intact sense of self. This video is the first that I've ever really connected with. (Thanks a ton, Dr Ramani!
I love that you saw who he was and kept being yourself. I wasn't as wise as you, but I've wised up and, like you, I choose to confront. I confronted my malignant narcissist cousin last week when I was providing hospice care for my grandma. When he started ordering me around, I told him to do it himself. I did it right in front of my grandma, but I don't deal with that shit anymore. The only thing that I didn't like about it is that it was still reactive. I'm not completely immune yet, but I'm learning. If I had to do it again, I'd say, "I don't let people talk to me that way because I respect myself. If you want to ask me in a respectful way, I'd be happy to help." The amusing thing is that he then told stories to the family saying that I had Grandma in a dark room (she had asked for the curtains closed and was sleeping until his dumbass came and woke her up) and he told the family that I had given her meds while she was laying down that she could have choked on (also wasn't true, but the one med I gave her is one that melts under the tongue so I COULD have given it to her laying down if I had chosen to). It was just funny seeing the family's reaction because they knew who he was. It was a completely different dynamic than when I left my abuser of 20 years. He had been covert and I was in an angry stage of grief so they thought I had been the crazy one. Now, when I had done my work so that I didn't need their validation, they were all there for me. So weird. Whatever. Now that I see this, I am kind of glad that they didn't support me. Now I get my validation from myself and it is a key ingredient to being narcissist-immune.
Dragonfly C I was married to a narc. My oldest son would do the same as you did: he wouldn‘t accept sh.. from his father! And as an adult he would never buy into his father‘s BS. That helps me a lot 😁
Wow I’m in awe of your strength and self assurance. I’m in the process of trying to be more like yourself since I’ve recently discovered that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I also love that even though you stood your ground you’re still trying to understand your childhood and heal that way. You’re an inspiration and thank you for posting your journey on this thread.
Welldone you! I wasnt as strong as you were, but i kept fighting inside n remained true to myself, best as i could re my real dad n step-mum. After a year, mum came back for me after having abandoned me, so it got easier to just 'go with the flow' n be lil miss obedient when i could figure out what that was XD Thank god ur not as confused as i am, despite having gone through so much worse than i did. I'm here because im trying to figure out if my mum's a narc or something else XD
Self love, self respect, self dignity and compassion for others are the traits one must have in order to be immune from narcissistic individuals. Taking care of self with an understanding that we will not be controlled by a immature individual, nor will we try to control their illogical behavior, is essential to a healthy mind set. It begins and ends with self.
My uncle is one of these immune folks. Married to my highly neurotic narcissistic aunt for 66 years! One of his favorite sayings is "Nobody is going to spoil my day"! I often felt that he was deserving of a medal!!
I’m so lucky to have Dr Ramani and Dr Carter dispense with their priceless wisdom for free on TH-cam. You’re the best healers for NPD victims and you’ve made a very positive impact in my social adjustments and moving on - thanks a billion!
When my narc competitive sister and mother in law brag about their expensive or brand name stuff, I say "that's nice!" Instead of anything negative. Living life simply is calming..
I had a coworker who would show off her designer outfits at work. She would do this to make others envious and to exert her "position" over others. I've always been more practical than fanciful, and had no idea a LV bag was supposed to be envied. When she revealed how much she paid for the bag, I was aghast and asked her if maybe she was being conned by the seller? I bought my bag at JC Penney for under $50, and I honestly thought I was the smarter person of the two of us and said as much. I BRAGGED at how I managed to get my bag on sale and had a coupon. Then I asked her if she kept the receipt so that she could get her money back, as she had obviously been ripped off. (We both worked as cocktail waitresses at the same dive bar) She avoided me after that. I was not going to provide her any supply because I was obviously "too stupid" to recognize her excellent taste. 😆
So nice to see. I feel the same. Dr. Ramani have really helped me. Knowledge have really helped me. And the narcissist I know, is getting so evil, that is backfiring… I am grateful that it is so obvious. Even though I am traumabouned, I am on my way. And I cannot thank Dr. Ramani enough.
Yes, I actually know several. My husband is one of those immune people. He has a very healthy self-esteem, he is an extrovert, has healthy boundaries, he's very easygoing... He comes from a pretty healthy family. He puts his foot down the 1st time the narcissist gets out of line and then he steps away.
So true, I’m like your husband in that respect (and undoubtedly ONLY in that respect 😉): I had a very healthy childhood with loving but no-nonsense parents who truly believed in us and fostered a sense of self-confidence in their children. We made a few mistakes and learnt some things the hard way, but deep down inside we knew we didn’t have to put up with sh*t. And that is one heck of a good armour.
John Hooper ....Sounds like narcissistic gaslight talk. Full of conjecture and projection. Mind your own business, tend to your own experience, and let others do the same. That kind of speculative comment has no value. Boundaries...
@John Hooper Dr Ramani actually said those who are immune come from very difficult backgrounds, not healthy family backgrounds. In other words they have "learned" through much grief and pain what to do and what not to do and how to navigate. What mindset to have, how to treat themselves, etc.
My best friend is like this and she’s not snobby at all. She KNOWS herself and I’ve never met a person that didn’t like her. She’s beautiful inside and out. I’ve learned SO much from her about being calm and detached in a healthy way, as you said. If she doesn’t like someone you’ll never be able to tell because she treats everyone well and takes nothing personally. That said, she absolutely limits her time with these awful people but she is cordial. She never tells people her business, not even me and we’ve been friends for almost 25 years. She doesn’t “reassure” people like an enabler, she expects another adult to manage themselves. She is the “ISTJ” type (I’m ENFP) but very balanced numbers. She’s totally unique and special, down to earth and loyal. Of course she is not perfect and I’ve learned that over the years too, which has been reassuring for me. Thanks for your channel, I recommend it regularly over the last 2-3 years since I’ve been watching you.
Neo: "What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?" Morpheus: "No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to." -- The Matrix
Not taking things personally is hard to learn, especially for women, as women are taught from a very early age on, to break their boundaries, to care for everyone except themselves. And they are taught, that everything is their fault and their problem.
And so we See ourselve as worthless and guilty, and are in shame when we just take care of us. Most Male human beeings have learned to See a women in this Narration.
@@lindagithaiga1974 not so much natural laws as much as "(wo)man's laws." The Holy Bible, the Creators word, says that women are to be submissive to their husbands and that husbands are to cherish their wives. When someone is cherishing you, they will never deny you the ability to "take care of yourself." This world has taught some seriously wrong doctrine when it comes to the male/female relationship/roles and it's caused a tremendous amount of damage to the family structure/ functioning.
When you get to know yourself really well and start feeling that you are enough on the inside, when you stop asking for external validation and stop trying to convince people to trust you and to be on your side, when you dive deep and begin to feel your core self, when you heal the effects of the gas-lighting that can be addictive, you are on a good way to become immune to narcissists. It can't happen overnight and it's not a given.
Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. I had been dealing with a narcissist for almost forty-two years and KNEW there was something extremely sick about him that I just couldn't name. He caused me terrible pain over this long period of time until I was near-suicidal. I can across your videos and now I am free! I have found a marvelous therapist and my healing has been life-changing for me. I no longer look at what I lost because of this awful person but what I have managed to hold onto. I can tell everyone out there it is never too late to escape and heal from a relationship with a narcissist. My life is still hard but beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I feel this so hard... because i'm very empathic but when i feel lies or manipulation. My mind says "okay this person isn't worth it the effort" and i'll be avoinding deep connection or trying to understand who they are. As an introvert, relationship takes so much energy so i really don't mind skiping relationship and taking my spare time for my health. I don't feel guilty or anything else because i take care of myself.
Woman you have saved me so many hours of stress, and for that I sincerely thank you. You do a fine job of articulating irrational behavior in a way that the rational mind can understand. It clears the cloudiness that 'crazy making' causes. May your work reach all those you can help.
Yessssss ❤❤❤ thanks for every lesson you are teaching...thanks for your clear speaking...it is so helpful learning to understand the irritating behaviour of narcisstic people !!! 17:01
My nephew seems to be immune to his mom. Great boundaries. Says “no, I’m not doing this” “that’s not my problem” I’m so impressed because it took me years to get where he seems to be able to live.
I believe the key to being an immune to narcissists is to trust your gut and scope them out early. Once you have educated yourself on enough of the specific behaviours you can spot them a mile away without investing anything of yourself.
My husband is one of these ‘immune to narcissists’ unicorns. And straight up this is probably why I married him. He’s completely able to help me understand how to not take a narc personally. Pretty amazing.
@@annebutterfield6221 Do you roll your eyes at children when they misbehave? No, you understand they have limited capacities. We see the narcs as children in adult bodies, incapable, so why be bothered?
I'm starting to become more "immune" to narcissism. I try to stay in a place of self love and remind myself that a narcissists drama, or anyone else's drama, isn't my problem. I actively tell myself, "It's not my sh*t," and move on as much as I can.
Same same same. I try so much to not get entagled with other people emotionally. I just think about the ppl who treat me right and the things that make me happy. I realized that you can't have healthy connections with everyone because some people are unable to treat you like a person
I try hard to not get involved in anyone elses drama too but sometimes and even more so recently I just can't help myself at calling people out before I bin them! lol. I used to walk away feeling hurt and not say anything, but it feels better to just say something back just once even and then walk away! I'm not going to argue with anyone....just one cutting statement is all I need!
@Wyndham Conway it's so cool when people phrase something in a way that hits differently! Thank you, "It's not my shit" helped to loosen the responsibility I feel to help my mom.
Mhm exactly. This girl I work with thinks I still consider her a friend but I figured out she was a narc and I act totally different w her now. She found a mistake in my work and of course pointed it out and tried to scare me into being afraid of the repercussions but I just fixed it and emailed her back, “Fixed! ☺️” I could practically feel her shaking with rage. 😂😂😂
I grew up in a super abusive family where everything was always my fault. When I left in my late teens I worked a lot of hours in retail and I learned a bunch of amazing "customer service" strategies from this incredible co-worker who did floral arrangements at a Micheals store where i worked as a cashier. Never take anything personally, always say your on the customers side, always agree with whatever they say, use "us" and "we" with the customer and "them" when talking about store management so the customer thinks your on their side and not the big mean stores side and then- this move is AMAZING if your in retail - whatever they want tell them you'll "check in the back" then just go in the back and take like a five or ten minute break, go to bathroom, whatever, then come back all distressed and tell the customer you looked everywhere for whatever but couldn't find it. Narcissists love to push around people in the service industry and working the service industry is where i learned the best techniques for dealing with them.
I wouldn’t call customers that demand to have customer service, narcissist. They just expect good help. It drives me nuts when the people representing a retail, restaurant, rental, etc. company, want to act like it’s not important what the customer needs and should expect are just irritating to the representatives that are there “to” serve that very service or product.
Do your job right. Be true to self, and truthful with customers. Also be stoic in the face of stressful situations involving customer interactions. The stuff you're doing is pathological bro.
I grew up with a narcissistic father. I moved out of the house as soon as I was financially able to do so. After being around normal, non-narcissistic people, I came to realize that my father hurt me because there was something wrong with him. This became more obvious to me after spending even more of my time around "normal " people.
Yes, I joined the Navy to get away from my father during Viet Nam War. He was evil. Last 15 years of his life I cut of all communication to him. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Same Narcs as fathers are really trying to aim at the nothingness , their life is merely shallow defense they keep keeping it in check If you looked at their "lives" its sad , its funny its primal At the same time They self destructive, raise narcissistic daughters without they know , then they hate it when they became under that narc daughter mercy I went out of mad house to basically homelessness and realized how life is really enjoyable! And fun Now i really couldnt imagine how life will be with a promising job and fun , non zombie people who dam accept you as you are 1 thing i regret : HOPELESSNESS 1 thing im grateful for : Anxiety
It took years, thank you, now I am IMMUNE. thank you for providing the magnifying glass to my mother and others. Shrugging it off, as I go to my desk for the day. #1 company for athletics, surrounded by all these Narcissistic sharks and laughing away the day. Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Most of the time, immune people have a natural gift of being very diplomatic.They place themselves always outside the emotional trap of the other person.
@@morninstar1498 Haha! We are together mundane! 👍🏼😇 Diplomacy and to be able to diffuse difficult situations with humor would be fantastic! However it takes practice after years of being emotionally exploited and manipulated by narc parents and related poison. Stoisism also seems to be a lifestyle for learning. Look for 'Einzelganger' on TH-cam! Interesting to know more about. It helps to deal with emotional triggers (from trauma) differently in general, and not especially focused on the 'narcissist', which is really a relief if you also like some philosophy.
It’s actually how my sister became a narcissist herself. She always talked about how great she was and she would shrug my mother crazy fights off. I guess it’s a thin line.
After 30 years in and out of therapy, I’ve reached this point. I’m firmly rooted in reality, the narc is not, and it’s their problem, not mine. Yes, boundaries are key.
God allowed me to handle many toxic attitudes and behaviours, but after my 30 year marriage he overstepped my boundary of infidelity and that was the last straw on the camel's back for me. I filed for Divorce after years really seeing him for Who he really was over the years since I started dating him. Not My Energy Vampire anymore. I'm free 🙌🙌🙌
@@SuspiriaX That camel is no longer my problem. It's ME time and I'm richer for the experience.Some people are more compatible with each other. Dysfunction can ONLY live with Dysfunction. Narcissistic behaviour is Dysfunctional and Abnormal.
@@cynthiabochenski5466 Narcissistic behaviour is confusing. God brought the Awareness along when He knew I had Enough after 34 years not understanding the behaviour that drains you Mentally and Emotionally.
I am actually starting to get there. Thanks to you and other TH-camrs that have enlightened me. I no longer ignore red flags, I don't fall for love bombing and future faking, I document everything the split second I even suspect to be dealing with a narcissist, I don't get entangled and keep my distance, and I walk away no matter what carrot they dangle. Another big one is that I have no illusions about being able to get through, heal or help a narcissist.
Somewhere in mid-life I learned you can't change the unchangeable, you can't please the unpleasable, and you can't reason with the unreasonable. I expect nothing from the narcissists in my life and I am very firm with my boundaries. And yes, self-preservation is high on my list of values.
Im 45 now but I’m so very fortunate to have learned this when I was about 11 yrs old! It has saved me years of my life not wasting it on the unpleaseable. I just always did what made ME happy snd that has served me well especially when I look at my sisters who have yet to learn that lesson. I was a smart kid for that age. I saw everything for what it really was snd not what I wished it was or should have been.
As women we're taught, conditioned by society, to be the "nice girl." Fuck that. One must be ruthless and thick skinned to clap back against this evil and root them OUT of your life. Even if they're family.
It is also important though to understand that their problems are not yours. I don't mean this in a selfish way. I can still care about others, just that for instance if you see someone bring certain things into their lives that that is their doing. I am not responsible for their actions , just my own. People are where they are at. You can still be yourself, just know your own boundaries. Guilt-tripping from them does not work if you are conscious of your own welfare & putting that first. You aren't responsible for them or their lives. Their spiritual & mental growth (or lack of it 😏) is their own. So now I'm standing in my own strength. I have no struggle with the concept of forgiveness anymore because they are what they are. I choose to walk away. There's a very good video by a spiritual guru on TH-cam and it helped me enormously. To forgive, you need to first criminalise someone, but if you accept people for who they are & walk away there is a peace in that. It is not my job to educate / change another person. But I do agree no contact is empowering. So is the realisation you can only change you, & how you choose to perceive them & what you do to protect yourself, your loved ones and your sanity. Some people describe these people as a circus. You can be aware the circus is in town, but I choose not to watch or participate. That's not to say they cannot hurt you/cause pain, but it is minimised if you know when it is time to walk away and act in ways to protect yourself. I now see his bullshit & lies as his problem. A person I once thought I loved greatly, now I feel nothing much for. I handed back their responsibility for their behaviour back to them. Moving forward without them is incredibly healing and breath-takingly peaceful compared to the circus I once let into my life. It no longer matters to me they are this way. I do feel sorry for their future victims, but they are responsible for that pain, not me. It's wonderful to finally be on the other side of my entanglements with them. They pushed me so far the other way they will never have a way in again & that is fine by me. Hold fast to who you are as a person, don't allow them to change you or make you feel bitter. Hand back to them (mentally) all the hurt, pain and guilt. Take care and good luck in your journey.
I don't think of it as Even if they're family, I think of it as ESPECIALLY if they're family. Family has been proving it for years and guilting us into taking it and not talking about it.
As a sensitive empath I can tell you my biggest lesson was to learn breathing and instant calming techniques coupled with learning not to open up to a narc. I don't share milestones, success or any personal info anymore as I realized that everything I share with them gets used against me. What a narc doesn't see or hear, won't bother or trigger them so hide everything! Down to the name of your perfume...they must know as little about you as possible.
Yep, I don’t enjoy being around narcissists, but when I came to the realization at about 11 that the way my mom treated me had nothing to do with me, it was like a revelation. It was a little sad in that I also realized there wasn’t a ton of hope for things getting better, but I was able to move on with my life. From that point on I learned to create distance from her, which I am sure was damaging to myself on some level as a minor child, but better than the alternative. As an adult, I have little tolerance for that type of behavior and generally find myself surrounded by really amazing people.
@JessieBanana I was a little older (middle school) when I realized that about my father. It didn't help me handle him any better but it kept me semi-sane.
My sister and her husband had a clever system: when they visited our parents for example, during the Christmas holidays, part of their holidays they had reserved to travel to some nice place for holidays AFTER meeting my parents. They told me that they just are so exhausted after visiting them that they need holidays after it, before going to work again. I recommend that system. The other system that I also used is, that we noticed that 3 days is the maximum we can take. After three days, the atmosphere starts to tighten, dark clouds are cumulating and there are signs of an explosion. Time to leave.
I totally agree. We are visiting my parents next week and we let ourselves have two more days before work just to get ourselves together after the visit. Also, we plan to spread our errands/other activities throughout the week we visit so we don’t stay together with them days in a row. I am already exhausted now thinking about it. But we have a plan. Yes.. we have a plan this time.. we’ll be fine. Oh god please.
I love this. I was married to a narcissist for 27 years and didn't know that is what it was. I just got tired of reacting, fighting, etc so 5 years before he left me, I stopped feeding his supply. A month after he left, I came across this and started researching it. This has been so helpful because my mom is such a narcissist and use to try to change her, show her the wrong of her ways. But not anymore. I use deep technique and have a superficial relationship with her
Thank you for sharing part of ur story! I am similar, just now discovering I am in a marriage with a narcissistic wife for past 25 years. But now I feel hope because I know it is actually NOT ME, but the that I am her spouse and that is why I am belitted, devalued and generally ignored unless the task is hot, heavy or dirty. Anyone in that spot would be treated the same over time. Yes it is still a lonely place, but now there is hope for true inner happiness. No more blaming myself for nothing and feeling crazy about it! My technique is grey rock and limit discussions to sports, weather and the kids schedules. Then focus on being the best dad I can while the kids are under our roof. I wish you well in your journey!😀
As someone here has already stated...
"Being Financially Independent is KEY to being Emotionally Independent..."
Much easier to distance yourself!
Yes. Women must focus on their income, as part of their sense of not needing another person who is a Narc . Especially if there are kids involved. The sad part is many codependents feel unable to keep employment due to a squashed sense of self. I had head injuries and memory issues, and I had to find bosses that appreciated my creative talents and accepted my slow math and processing skills. So we must find income and ask God for Help and then miracle happen. I now make a great income .
YES
Emotional Independence it really achieved through the Process of (Paying attention to where Thoughts are or are going), i.e. "Conscious in Thought".
@@bethbartlett5692 That is crucial....you are right. However, you simply must be financially independent or you’ll just be surviving. And we all deserve to thrive and you cannot do it with a narc.
P.S. This mean one has to be rich, but be able to take care of yourself financially...and of course your kids.
@@mswriter3612 God bless you…. Throwing a PARTY WITH YOU! 🎉 🎈 🎊
My husband is literally immune to narcissism, this is a big reason I fell inlove with him. I knew he could handle my family, and help me in my healing journey. He is total opposite of gaslighty, he is calm, peaceful, never yells, never takes things personally, he is the sweetest and has given me so much security
My husband is the same. I'm blessed
You are shooting blessed
My husband is the same. He would call my mom on her narcissistic stuff and she would just laugh (somehow she was ok with him not agreeing with her). It gave me the space to be my own person. She passed on 2 years ago and I'm still grieving the mother I wish I'd had, the one who liked me and praised me. But having my husband in my life has been a blessing.
You are one lucky girl!!!!
My partner is like this. I love him for all the same reasons.
The moment you accept that they are emotionally crippled, you become immune. Low expectations from a narc is a lifesaver
Low or no expectations....
You just know that they’re not even worth your expectation.💖
That's a great thought to hold on to and easy to remember. Thanks!
@@user-of9bx1uk3u
They're not worth knowing.
I keep wanting to cripple the crippled in the knees
1. Don't take it personally
2. Don't try to change the narcissus
3. Engage in self preservation - set & maintain boundaries
4. Not afraid of narcissus
5. Know when to cut losses - step away, shrug it off
6. Dnt derived their self worth from the narcissus - have strong self esteem & confidence
7. Dnt get affected/overwhelmed by those who enable the narcissus
Great tips, thank u!
Thank you.
Easier said than done!
Legend for making this list
Now try having a child with one. Im stronger now but to try to screw with my relationship with my child is nothing i can shrug off or walk away from.
Thanks for the list.
I had a friend who would say ‘that’s a whole lot of not-my-problem. Lol I loved this phrase.
My daughter says “that’s a non issue”. 🙂👍
Love it!
Where was this line 2 yrs ago lol
@@nonavandre8960 …..yes ! That’s a great line isn’t it ! 👍🙂
I'm borrowing this too 🙂 thank you
The one thing she left off... a sense of humor. The damage TOXIC people do is NOT funny. But everyone knows that a person with a sense of humor about their pain/troubles is far more likely to HEAL and stay healthy. Instead of just shrugging... give yourself the permission to laugh at the absurdity every chance you get. Good humor is medicine.
I needed to hear this. It gives me hope. Thank you.
Interesting fact I observed: Narcs never laugh whole heartedly and they get offended when you laugh like that at something. They give you a look like you are stupid. Laughter is healing! And they dont want others to be feeling better then they do...
Thanks for the reminder. It’s so liberating to put words to the crazy making behavior & learn some strategies along the way.
I sooo agree, after all they are the ones with a big big problem, we just happened to,be there.
Anna K omg exactly what I also detected they hate when we have genuine feelings,
People who are immune to narcissists will have high self esteem and be self validated.
Phucking Ayyyeee....!! 🧐 For the "Force" 👽 has bestowed upon you Laser Sharp Insight..!! For the Purposes of Exposing the Phucking Narc in "Hypnotic TH-cam Videos..!!" 🎥..🎬..👀 😵..🤤..🤭 Thanx..!! 😎
ML🙋🏼♀️hi ns
David Gibson No! What they said is that people with high self esteem and confident don’t need to seek validation from anyone, let along a narcissist. That is why high self esteem people can handle a narcissist well.
Spot on! Thus the wear-down, tiny slights here and there meant to chip away at us, leaving us vulnerable to quiet, degrading and extremely intimidating degrading remarks leaving us with "It's ok, the narc's just having a bad day hoping to give us their bad mood, who isn't a bit off now and again, after all they're ageing!" Ya ageing and weak so much so that that shovel their using to bury our emotions and pride with is 'invisible'!
@@alwayslevitated9089 omg thats hilarious
The secret to becoming narc immune.. Is to NOT take them seriously. These are people who are self involved and committed to insanity... There is no need to participate and lose yourself/life to the madness. Leave them to it. 🤷♀️
I was going to like this comment but then I saw I already did when I watched this video last time they blew up on me for something small. That says something LOL. Learning to detach from the abuse only makes us smarter! You’re so right. Why should we take someone who can’t control their own emotions serious? Bless up and take care ❤
@@SelenaLuvGomez "Why should we take someone who can’t control their own emotions serious?" Ohhh, that's so good! Thanks . . . that helped me.
I suppose I have developed partial immunity over the years... when the man I was "with" until yesterday started telling me I "talk too much" early in our connection, I just calmly if sarcastically said, "Yes, I have been told that" and let it go. But he has not let go of that accusation, for the last few months it has taken the turn of me not letting him speak, not "getting" it, "not listening." The volume increases, pretty soon it is a full-on shouting match. Key: do not try to get in the final word. It won't happen. There is no final word except the narcissist's. When you have had enough, just leave.
Julia, I don't know your specific situation but as a bloke who is trying his best, but sometimes makes arguments like the one you're mentioning your husband makes, I'd like to try to give you some insights.
1)I'm probably feeling like shit from work, and I really just wanted you to ask me about my day, but you're too busy telling me about Sally down the road's new dog food or something, and it makes me feel devalued.
2) there's something deeper we are disagreeing about, like how you prioritise your time, who you see, work hours etc, but I haven't gotten to the bottom of it, and now we are fighting and I'm throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks, most of which wasn't something I truly felt, but I didn't know that until I said it out loud and it didn't feel right.
3) I'm hungry, I literally thanked my missus tonight for letting me eat my burger mid disagreement, without trying to continue the argument, and by the time I was finished the burger, I was ready to apologise for snapping at her, and have a civilised discussion about the issue of the day.
Most of what she does to diffuse my moods, is let me do whatever coping mechanism I decide I need at that moment, and trust me to not gloss over the issue.
But most days, I do feel like she does most of the talking, and only on some days is it an issue, so I decided it was my responsibility to get out in front of it and say "baby, I'm not in the mood to hear about that right now, can we just cuddle for a minute and then grab some food, then you can tell me all about it" but then I do actually let her tell me about it, I don't just use that as an out or whatever.
Sounds like you are a difficult person. You should work on that.
Remember, just because you “can” take it, doesnt mean you should. A relationship where I haven’t to be constantly resilient and suffering is not one I want.
Exactly
You are soooo right....I used to think that suffering meant I was being the peace keeper, but really I was just creating more oppressed emotions. Im finally free from the people on a daily basis and learned to keep them at bay. Now I have my own negative introject to retrain and re-frame.
Connor Bee that is actually a great quote.👍
Words of the wise. Its true, it can surprise you just how much you as well as other people can take crap or slight offences/covert abuse just because the narcissist knows not to push it any further. But that's just it, they are always pushing for you to take more abuse. Great insight, thank you.
Did you mean "have to be"?
Eleanor Rosevelt said, “What others think of me is none of my business”.
True.
...But when their thoughts cause me potential pain or harm, [then] it becomes my business! 😐
So, there's that.
@@ExoticalT369 In times of Rosevelt, narc could get into face for not watching their mouth, and most probably you would't go to jail. Nowaday everything changed, you can't touch narcs body , but they can touch your brain and mind.
This is one of my favorite quotes! She also said, “ No one can make you feel inferior without your permission “. Another one of my favs by Elenor Roosevelt! She was so full of wisdom! 🌸💜
Love her!
That's smart. I like that.
My current mantra;
Your actions are a reflection of you,
My reactions are an awareness of me.
That is simple yet so profound
💪💪💪
I like this
Love thus.
Love that!
🌿🕊️💕🌍
My late husband was so good at this. The last time my mother came to visit my daughter was giving birth. I was becoming a grandmother for the first time and she a great-grandmother. It should have been a wonderful time. She was so awful and belittling to me, that by the time I took her to the airport we were barely speaking. I never saw her again and she never saw her great-grandaughter again. I was extremely upset and asked my husband why did she even come. He said 'Darlin, it was all for show. Just let her go!' So, that's exactly what I did. God I miss that man!!
Unfortunately, after his passing I managed to get into a relationship with a very narcissistic man. I don't know how I lost my way, but I did. Probably trauma bonding due to my mother. Anyhow, in therapy now and trying to find my way back.
I was married to a narcissist for nearly 20 years. It makes me so happy to hear about good husbands. I never missed mine. I was grateful he wasn't around.
Your late husband sounds lovely. It's wonderful that you habe memories of how he reacted to these things.
I fell for 2 in a row. It undid years of therapy but it wasn't total lost. I have my voice back.I am remembering what I forgot.
The more I have learned to love myself, the less that narcissists are attracted to me. I think I repel them now.
Woah....that explains why whenever I find something that I’m happy about my narcissist beats it down and makes me feel shitty about being happy about something
Kathi A classic they r miserable and they want u to be too! Run!!!!
The healthier I got the more uncomfortable he got. He left. No drama.
Let's party!
@@KathieHeartsYouu This happens with me too. If my parents see me happy with friends (which in their mind is 'happier') they will shoot me down, guilt trip me about how I don't smile as much, don't laugh as much with them, I am self-centred and have no feelings for people who love me I am told. And I have deal with their heartbreak and cheer them up. In all this, my life force and happiness is turned to grief and guilt.
I get anxiety of them seeing me with my friends. And sometimes I feel uncontrollable anxiety when I am too chirpy with friends, even in their absence.
(It started from birth and now I am 34)
My sister is one and she has a saying, ..."Not my Monkeys, NOT my Circus!" I love my sister Soo much. She brought me up well. 😎🤔🛀💗
Ironically, I actually know a Narcissist that used to say that--but it's true!
Haha it’s funny I say that to my little sister every time my parents wild out. 😂 I also took on the parental role for my sister as well
@@krystalricciardi7776 It's definitely a useful saying; it's just ironic that I first heard it from a Narcissist (who actually used it to make someone else look bad: they were insinuating that the other person was not in "control" of those in their charge).
So true
This is great, just noted in my mind😄 Kind regards from Germany
The phrase "Not my circus, not my monkeys" is my go-to when it comes to dealing with narcissists and their drama. I'm also not a person who has to "belong". So being a bit of a loner can be a real superpower when it comes to dealing with the self-absorbed among us.
Used to be uncomfortable in my own skin and not like my own company, however after ghosting from my narc I'm beginning to love both and I'm in training for her not being in my life! Win win!
This was a huge lesson for me. Learning to love my solitude, and letting go of any need to belong or what (I perceived) other people thought of me cleared away a lot of the garbage that had prevented me from listening to and trusting my own voice.
@@_negentropy_ yep you wake up to the controllers in your life too and boy do they get annoyed when you do what's best for you! 😂
So being a loner saved me.
@@_negentropy_ í
Hearing this, I realized my husband is immune. He can completely ignore someone or grey rock. He’s quiet and narcissists think he is stand- offish and unfriendly because he doesn’t engage with them. He can completely “check out” at those types of meetings at work. If it’s family, he’ll either avoid all together by hiding in a room “working” or say the most minimal thing possible when spoken to. He just doesn’t take it personally and can filter the BS. Used to annoy me, but after hearing this, it’s truly a gift.
Hiding in a room to avoid narcissist whilst leaving other people to deal with them. Very selfish. My husband does this and I’m stuck with the narcissist getting abused by them.
@@So-in5xi Fix your own problems then and dont expect him to do it for you.
For me I'm really good at being immune if I don't like the person, setting boboundaries. But when I love someone 😢
That’s a good way to be
I admire your father. That is awesome
when we have self-love, self-confidence and self-trust we end up immune to many things in life
💯👌
I'm financially independent, empathic, well educated and and married (16 years) to a covert narcissist. I come from a very destructive, narcissistic family background, and learnt very early on.....it's not me...there's something wrong with these people. Being a foster child meant that I did not feel genetically/emotionally attached to these people. But I will say that it took a few years to realize that my mother wouldn't like me, no matter what I did. I have very superficial contact with my mother, but I will stay married, as I am bedridden and require my husbands help in daily life. He doesn't bother me because...and here's the big hidden secret...these people are liars. Stop believing them and believe your own truth. Be as self reliant as you possibly can be. Instead of "Dance like nobody is watching" try "LIVE LIKE NOBODY IS CRITICIZING".
Thank you for sharing
Thank u
I'm sorry for your bad health. You are a strong person to deal with your health issues and your husband's issues at the same time. ((Hugs))
You are VERY LUCKY to be financially independent!!!!
@@lisavaden1118 No luck involved....hard work
When I stopped responding to my narcissistic mother's "games", I felt so empowered. I allowed her to rage and scream at me all she wanted, and I simply smiled and did not respond. My silence drove her completely crazy. In hindsight, I wish I started doing this at the beginning of my life.
@@lyndseywilliams3618 Thank you for forewarning me. However, I just wanted to clarify something important. In my case, I actually stood there not responding to her. I simply waited a long time until she was finally finished her narcissistic craziness. I made her feel like I truly heard her and then I calmly walked away without saying a word. She did not chase after me. What drove my mother crazy was my not reacting or responding to her narcissistic craziness. She was upset I was not participating in the "routine dance" of her craziness. I changed the routine or pattern by remaining silent and calm. Narcissists should NEVER be parents.
I’ve been actually doing something like that with a narcissist in my life and I’ve also learned about not responding suffers that emotional connection to the pain of what they are doing with your intern help me not to care honestly. I feel like the harder I thought narcissistic personalities the more miserable I was and the more I blow them off and don’t respond to accusations and hateful comments and attacks more at peace I am and it just doesn’t eat at me like it used to.
i'm dealing with a narc at my office and she keeps poking for a fight or reaction from me, by doing these micro/passive aggressive things, but i NEVER respond or react and she's big mad so she keeps finding new strategies lool. I peeped her game a long time ago and decided I won't be participating. Instead, I report her to her supervisor who is a lot more level headed. when you dont engage? they're furious lool. well done
My way of handling difficult interactions is to appear like I'm listening and hearing every word. I'm somewhat responsive. This is all necessary to deescalate the encounter. But inside I am deflecting not absorbing. Water off a ducks back. I'm taking whatever information that I need and letting the rest go. I try not to let it get to me and it doesn't so much if I approach interactions/confrontations this way. I've done this at jobs with bosses and coworkers. I've done this with certain family members, especially parents and even my partner at times. It still gets to me some at times and it's still exhausting but this helps. I let the other person think they are in control and calling the shots when really that's not the case. I mean of course I do follow policies at a job or if I'm being corrected I do listen, I'm just saying I try to ignore all the excessive noise of someone who is being difficult with me when it's out of line but making it not appear that way. I hope I'm making sense and this helps someone.
Gonna try it.. ... please wish me luck.
“The day you stop caring about what they think” - yes, that is the day
So true. ❤😊
Me & My Ex Narc was Married for 12years with Children. I did all my possible best to be faithful to him and I always made my mind that I want to be the best house wife as that what I dream since college days. Nothing work out when you’re with a narcissist, My narc Ex still went ahead by threatening to file a divorce and take custody of our children because I caught him severally cheating with different lady and even my friend I also knew a lot of illegal stuffs he does and how addicted he’s to alcohol. I had no choice , friend told me about this Private Investigator which is also American Spy Guy he’s expert in tapping phone and web without leaving a trace, he got into my Husband phone and drives. I found Dirty proofs, real dirty things. All deleted Messages, chats, Videos, Call history from 12years back where unveiled to me. This proofs where helpful cos he worked my papers for me and now I can stay with my child and have a good job. Don’t let your narcissistic partner abuse you no more get in touch with facebook.com/profile.php?id=61550815556783&mibextid=LQQJ4d
I am immune to narcissism. The number one message I give to narcissists is, "You can't convince me I am crazy, but you can sure speak for yourself!"
Love that! Hilarious!!
😂
I've quit my job an hour ago. Enough is enough.
wow!
👆🏼you ‘fired your work’ 😉
Courage, peace, freedom.
@@suebrown7386 Good one, Sue! I'll have to remember that one!
Amazing how good it feels, yes?
This made me realize I’ve been rapidly becoming more immune to narcissistic people and that’s pretty nice.
Me too, except my mother. She still manages to hurt me, but others I can see through it and move on...
Me too!
Cause It's Not Coming From A Codependent...I Got To Have You for Validation To Survive.
@@valerieriggins3184 not sure I understand what you mean
I'm improving ☺️
My son is. Surprisingly he recognises the bs, the manipulation, the toxicity but it doesn't dim his joy. He listens, shrugs, moves on. It never fails to surprise me.
The one who cares the least carries the most power.
Least engaged = least damaged in the long run
That’s a valid point. I have gotten to that place now, took me a long time, but I have finally learned to just CHILL!
Exactly. The moment I stopped caring was the moment my physical health started getting better too. It was really shocking to experience.
I recently filed a police report against him, for Simple assault.
He got off due to lack of Evidence.
HE IS SO ANGRY AT ME(!!!!) for filing the charges--, keeps saying what it "could've done" to His life.
But,
Taking NO RESPONSIBILITY for the assault.
Says now, it'll Be Awhile before we are Intimate, Again.
Oh honey, you're going to try and Punish Me by withholding Sex...?
I Could Care Less----- I went for YEARS, WITHOUT. INTENTIONALLY.
So, ya... Whoever cares Less, WINS.
@@suzanne4396 oh yeah the withholding affection and sex move. That was my husband’s favorite game to play
My husband is immune (he is also a surgeon; I think that says something). I am fascinated by his ability to not take my mom or anyone personally. Finally, I realized that his superpower is to not ask why, he takes the behavior and compartmentalize it. I on the other hand become a C.S.I detective in all matters, and I over explain everything. My husband "I do not ask why but I do know what to do, the why is not my job ". It was very confusing for me in the beginning of our relationship, there was no manipulation only facts and logic. When my mom passed away, I said "I guess she loved me in her own way" my husband said "no she didn't she only loved herself' that was such a relief to hear, because thinking or trying to believe she loved me was confusing.
u have an amazing man
Your commemt helped me a lot. Thanks.
Love U Love Husband
I will never forget a friend told me in the 1970s Ur mom only cares herself I telling this to u now so later on in ur life u will understand
When I turned 60 the lite bulb in my head hit me BAM!
Robin says I Ur mom can’t give u WHAT SHE DOSENT HAVE
SHE CANT FEEL a FEELING THAT SHE DOSENT HAVE FOR ME!
Oh now I understand AND ITS REALLY OK OK and ALRIGHT!
Nuttin Personal it just IS
I’m 67 now. I respect my mother For who she is Nothing Personal
The narcissist does NOT love himself. People exist as supply for everything he lacks that a responsible person would find in themselves.
my husband is the same. He was a pro athlete an is an elite coach and I think having to work at elite levels means you have to compartmentalise to perform well. He is very cut and dry about somethings. He's not snobby at all, he doesn't care who you are or how much you earn, but if you're an AH he is not interested in dealing with you. Blunt but without being blunt. I wish I could be more like that.
1. Know your worth.
2. Respect and honor the limits that you are willing to accept.
3. Know what to expect from the narcissist and respect their limits. Do not expect them to do something different.
4. After you walk away, spiritually thank them for the lesson:
----"If people doing you bad, knew the good they were doing you, they would stop.
@William Allen. Wise words! It’s reactive to put up barriers or get defensive but being kind to yourself includes not allowing others’ judgments to attach to you and, thus, building “immunity”.
Holding gratitude, I believe, is key to transmuting the negative energy from a someone that displays narcissistic tendencies.
Well said...♥️♥️
@@roseofsharon7551 Absolutely Gratitude is the key to transmute or send their negative energy back home. Just imagine how it would feel for the narcissist trying so hard to make a target life miserable, would rise up instead.
Wow. Powerful words. Soaking it all in.
Great wisdom Sir.
Growing up in a narcissistic family dynamic has enabled me to understand that narcissistic people are truly broken on the inside, which allows me to shrug it off because I understand that they need help and it’s nothing to do with me. Great video Dr 👍
Narcissist wouldn’t date an immune person. They need drama that feeds their ego. If they don’t get emotional reactions they discard or cheat.
True true.
Very True. I think, they feel a sense of confidence when they create drama and rage so, ignoring that is the worse they experience.
Dina A. nah.. I used to think something like then realized it’s romanticizing an ideal outcome. Life doesn’t work in ideals. Without supply, narcissists simply move on.
I truly had no expectations for my Narcissistic Mom. As an adult, I was able to tolerate her behavior better than anyone. I was abused verbally, gaslighted, lied about, but still I forgave her. It wasn't until she accused me of physically abusing her and called the police on me that I finally made no contact with her...it's been 1 year.
@@angiebrownstar50 Good For You - no contact !!:) My mother also called police on me at her 92 yrs old - my story is the same as they always use the same abuse against us. My mother at her 92 yrs old, when police told her that if she call again then she will be arrested so, she came up with DNA test that she did and her attorney sent me a letter to have me to have DNA test dane because she wants to know before she die that I'm her daughter - I didn't care to proof and her golden son got estate and I got nothing after her. After the DNA test, I never spoke a word to her and didn't attend her funeral. Was very hard on me but I couldn't pretend and continue a relationship with her and my brother - her golden child. Now I am over this and learned that I should have no contact at my 18 yrs old since by then I was already damaged and abused. My Best and Love to you :)
Someone taught me to say to myself "this is not mine" when dealing with hurtful people, gaslighting etc. It has helped me to remove myself and helps to feel like a shield.
That's wonderful advise! Thank you for sharing.
Wow thank you.
I love this idea!
“Fear is not mine to keep”
This is sooo true, and it took me a while to understand. Just because they can't take responsibility for their acts does not mean that I have to do it for them. Just because they can't deal with guilt or making mistakes does not mean that I'm the one who should be guilty and in the wrong.
My husband is immune to narcissists. He’s the one that opened my eyes to the abuse my mom was subjecting me to!
I think I am fairly immune to narcissists. Of course, one should not say such a thing for certain because we are all susceptible. My immunity comes from being by own man, being forgiving and understanding and thereby not being hurt or upset by what others do or say, and not being subject to manipulation. I work in the social sciences, government funded psychology and clinical counselling fields which are infested with narcissists, and have also worked in acute psych and forensic psych, and specialised in psychosocial assessments, having done thousands, so I have my eye pretty well tuned in. But of course, clients are easy work, it is my colleagues who have been the greatest challenge. I also learned a lot about narcissism from my Mum. If not for her, I doubt I could have worked as successfully in the social science fields as I have. The extent of your self knowledge is the extent of your immunity to narcissists and other harmful types.
Agree
Your husband is a narcissist then… since it takes one to know one. 😈 Anyone who claims otherwise is lying to you.
Abuse victim himself, probably in childhood? I ask because I've come to be pretty immune in adulthood, but it's mainly because I was abused by a narcissist sociopath (I'd say psychopath because of the type of abuse, but I've been told it's an outdated term and not really a diagnosable thing) as a kid, and thus had to develop those skills to a very high level very early on in life. Makes adulthood easier in that particular way, which is good, and I enjoy helping others recognize the mistreatment and abuse they're facing without even recognizing it's there. It's a terrible reason for developing those recognition and dissociative skills in the first place, and I wish that no child were ever in a position to have to do so in the first place, but if I'm honest the skills themselves are incredibly useful in adulthood.
@@JBplumbing12 the extent of self knowledge, this is so true self awareness. Not needing validation and approval from others because you know yourself. Spot on
I’m old. In my day we called someone with narcissistic traits an asshole. And people used to be told “you need a thick skin” against assholes. Which means a barrier where their asinine behaviour rolls of your skin like beading water. What makes them an asshole is not the traits, it’s they won’t ever apologise for their immature selfish emotions and behaviour because they don’t care about you. So you need to develop a thicker skin and just ignore their inability to be mature with their emotions. It’s not your problem.
They are still a**holes! 😄👍🏼 And they are also entitled and all that is important is themselves. The thing is, these days, the psychologist has said behaviour, society as a whole enables narcissistic behaviour! Maybe it didn’t as much in your day, but narcissistic behaviour is rampant in society now! I don’t think social media and the rise of celebrity helps! The world has to wake up and stop feeding narcissists! Narcissists are great actors! They are the most phoney bloody people around!
I love straight talkers... I call me a hardliner. I love to tell it like it is too.
Thank you sir. 👍🏻🙏🏻
My mom was just as you describe-serene; everything rolled off her back; emotionally intelligent; diplomatic; yet strong with the ability to establish boundaries. I agree that this type of person is rare.
I think I’m getting pretty close to getting there. Sometimes I overthink what the narcissist might have up their sleeve and try to anticipate their next manipulative move when it comes to my friend. If it weren’t for me being overprotective of the friend, nothing really bothers me. My friend is sensitive and takes the insults personally, which gets me worried for them. Hate seeing an altruistic person rattled by a manipulative person.
Yes. I think it is rare because we are not taught how to become non reactive, loving and patient but we all know it when we see it in another person. I admire people like your mom and it’s great that you got such a firsthand experience.
My mum too is one of those who know when to shrug and set boundries. I learned boundries from her. The shrugging part is what I am still working on.
That’s me!!
My Mother had a good friend like this. I always felt she learned it because she had about 8 kids. Most of them were boys too! Her husband was the same way. Both just cool as cucumbers under any circumstance. Great role models.
People who are immune to narcs, were not brainwashed in childhood that narc's behaviour is normal. They see narcs as toxic and just avoid toxic.
Exactly
Immunity you get by coming across something (a sickness) and buildup antibodies against it. I am immune because i build up antibodies against them. Never be a victim, be(come) strong, know who you are and you will never feel like a victim of you youth ever again or sick because of these experiences.
Yes, really true! I totally agree with you on that 💯!!
@@erinhumanier9155 Definitively injecting yourself with a little dose of narcissism makes you not only immune but also to repel this sickness.
@anonymous 1111 I think adult children of narcs have subconscious program that push them to choose partners who "behaves" like the narc parent, hoping that if that person gives them the validation/love it will be proof that they are worthy/good enough.
If an adult can handle them, then fine. But, the line should be drawn when they start going after kids or young adults:
They are really Satanic when it comes to Kids & Teenagers..
They target the elderly also.
H Myers
yep, Elder abuse has been getting worse since 2008 to present. Systemic narcissism is destroying our world Quicker than AI ever could.
Yes that's why my children live with my sister and her daughters. Because she was getting called out by a 9 yr old
Exactly! I can’t even protect my daughter from one and so history repeats
We love you Dr. Ramani, God is using you powerfully.
Avoid, ignore and don’t care. The narc is their own worst enemy. Be clear on who you are not who anyone else says you are.
Well said, totally agree with you.
amen
True. Don't let the narcissist tell you who you are.
@Dzsamila # A narcissist will never see someone else as an equal. I am actually immune myself but at times I just love setting a narc off and watch them destroy themselves and those around them as I walk away unscathed. Narcs are very dishonest and tricky. Honesty will mess up a narc emotionally as they can not handle brutal honesty. "No one's perfect" and then my joke / pun of "I used to be perfect before I figured out how to be better than that." There is honestly nothing out there that anyone has, that I would want. I value memories and not possessions. I don't collect autographs, but I have many stories with many different people that are usually unique. If you know enough about people, remember a narc will always hide their weakness. And if you know things well enough, by process of elimination, you can figure that weakness out indirectly using personality traits and hobbies and such. I am kind of what is known as a 'mongoose' type personality. Very earthy, adopting and resourceful.
Also, the reason this works for me is that I am ambidextrous and can use both sides of my brain simultaneously. Always remember, when someone is angry they may become violent but they are using emotion and not intellect (there are two halves of the brain, the emotional side and the intellectual side). It appears almost like a bi-polar type reaction, but in reality I get the narc to think they upset me (when I am not actually upset), and that a 'war' is on so to speak. Draw their emotions out and the narc won't be thinking clearly. And without thinking clearly, the narc will start exposing themselves. You have to appear upset but not actually be upset as you don't want to lose that intellectual upper hand on them. A narcissist always wants to feel like everyone else is beneath them, but when people are emotional, they are bound to make mistakes and make fools of themselves. Case in point, has throwing a hammer through the windshield of a car ever fixed a car? But get someone angry enough and they feel like they can fix anything if they get upset enough at it. It used to be known as 'not thinking straight' and you want the other person to be not thinking straight (using the emotional side without the intellectual side).
As a matter of fact, there is an observed tendency among narcissistic women that they choose a male partner who they can look up to - not in admiration, but in a way that they can be proud of him. They look for men who have money, power, fame, or high intellecual abilities. They use these pluses as supply, in part to earn others' admiration for themselves, too, in part to live an easy life (that they "deserve"), and in part to access assets by which they can exert manipulation on a greater scale on others.
Nothing is more intimidating to a narcissist than an educated empath.
A fully healed and empowered one, yes. Not one panicking when they forgot to wear their protective gemstone 😄💪👍
So so well put.
So true!
So much yes
I certainly hope so! Because, now that I've found Ramani, Grannon, and Romano, I went from a self-doubting empath to an educated empath eager to use my skills. Knowing yourself is armor! Thanks so much Dr. Ramani and all other Narcissist educators! Thanks for the reminder, Truth Serum, pal!
One of my favorite mottos comes from my former student: “That’s a YOU problem.”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂Good One!!!
My narcissistic ex used to say this constantly, unfortunately. But I have to say, when I started adopting that principle toward him, it made a lot more sense 😉 Everything he ever said about me was a HIM problem!
🤣🥴
I don't see that as a compassionate response. Narcissism is a communal problem. It has an adverse effect on all of society. If you adopt the attitude that it's someone else's problem then narcissism runs rampant & more & more people are manipulated, abused, and hurt sometimes to the point of suicide.
That reminds me of a friend's parents from middle school. They always said "That sounds like a personal problem"
Laugh it off is the best way. Turn their comments into a little joke then walk away and continue your own thing.. I was the scapegoat for a long while, you learn how to become a survivor. Thank you Dr Ramani.
Humor is a powerful weapon against Narky!
@@lindac6919especially because they dont have😂 This was my wheapon too! They can not do anything with that.
It's not just rage that most people are afraid of. It's the vindictiveness for not playing their game. Most people who know narcissists know that they will go to great lengths to destroy your relationships and your life. No contact is always the best bet.
This is what I'm doing now. Walking away after 20 years of my narc ex-bff
@@monalisa9598 lol if you think that, your narcissist isn't that bad.
That's not true. I'm on several online support groups and some narcs STILL manage to ruin the lives of their victims through stalking, harassment ... primarily BECAUSE their victim went NC. I really wish we could separate the "mean" narcs from the "that's a felony" narcs.
@@monalisa9598 if you think bullying is the answer, maybe YOU are a narc? lol go harass someone else you couldn't handle me or my mom I could make you fucking CRY that's how much practice I have.
@8Truth Seeking that's a great idea! I've read other accounts of narcs and how their "victims" basically just got up and left and the narc never bothered with them again. That has not been my experience at all.
My 13 year old daughter and my husband are inmune to narcisits. My daughter was born that way, I learn from them. It's amazing how specially my daughter seems to know who is who and how close or far to stand dodging almost all that could be thrown at her. And standing up for her self with healthy strong boundaries. She is amazing. It's not about age or experience she just was born with emotional wisdom. She is a gift from God and I continually learn from her.
Be careful not to burden your daughter. She is just a child, not your teacher or therapist. I understand you but just be careful not to burden her
I have a gift from god like her too!
What a blessing! Your daughter is very likely an empath. 🙂
Amazing comment ever 😊
@@vasilminkov4046 I agree, dont burden them. I feel burdened sometimes but I draw the line. She is just a child
Exactly like my husband, he will walk away when someone treats him a way he doesn’t want to be treated.
I wish mine would.
Same 🤚🏻
Isn't that passive-aggressive behaviour? Perhaps he too has narcissistic traits.
@@PumpkinZenovka Having bounderies is not passive aggressive.
Yes Samantha they walk away instead of dealing with the problem and this goes for everything.
Years ago, I read _The Four Agreements_ and it changed my life. Don't take things personally. Don't make assumptions. Be impeccable with your word. Do your best. Those are the four agreements.
That "don't take things personally" one was a huge lesson. I am grateful for it every day. I believe that it has made me "immune" to narcissists, as you put it here. But, more importantly, it in combination with the other three, has helped me to be a better human and to help others when they seek advice from me.
But when you are in the relationship or in the family with a nars, how could you keep you mind to "don't take things personally"? [they are not collaborative or lie to any solutions you proposed to resolve issues, that's hopeless and helpless for me.
@@evonne531 "Don't take things personally" to me means recognizing that whatever somebody is doing--even when it's directed AT me--it isn't ABOUT me. They do these sometimes toxic things for reasons of their own--to feed some need in them, to assuage some insecurity in them, etc. Knowing that, they don't create a feeling in me that I would question who I am. That's what narcissists try to do to manipulate us. The keep us second guessing ourselves. My knowing that their baloney is about THEM, makes it so that they can't knock me off balance. It's like taking a physical stance where your feet are set apart and your knees are bent a bit, so you've got better stability. I'm talking about the emotional equivalent of that. And after you've gotten adept at that, you'll know you're dealing with somebody you don't fully trust because you'll recognize that you're taking that stability stance with them when you're dealing with them.
Love this I have these four agreements typed up and printed hanging on the wall behind my pc monitors. I love this book as well, I found it first when I was incarcerated and it totally changed my perspective. Definitely helped me find much more peace doing my time as well
My late husband did not put up with my mother's nonsense -- especially when he heard her baiting me. He was not afraid of her and was a good example for me.
I'm so happy you had a protective, loving partner like that who helped you grow. And I'm sorry for your loss, may he rest in peace.
yeah very lucky. my ex wife was a mirror image of her malignant narcisist mother. if i ever said anything i was immediately put down and gaslighted. Eventually i was thown out like garbage and called trash. God help my children.
@@jesusislukeskywalker4294 Yikes that it terrible. I was double-teamed once but didn't have a child caught in the mix. I am so sorry.
My mom always try to make me look bad in my husband 's view. But my husband can see right through her. When he started defending me, she started making him look bad. It's just that you can't fix them 😭
Easier when you are not emotionally involved 😉
"Low expectations. Low expectations with narcissists"
Just focus on high-quality people when you find them. 😊
My best friend is exactly like this. The weird thing is she struggles with “people skills” and tries to improve in that area sometimes, but when it comes to narcissists it’s like a super power. Because she’s not great at telling what other people are feeling, she just goes by how she feels around them. And the second someone challenges her reality she will notice she didn’t like that and then logically distance herself from them, without any self doubt. This is why being very empathetic is a gift and a curse lol.
Ikr
That's exactly what I do! Works like a charm. If someone is draining me, I'll trust how I'm feeling and emotionally distance myself from them.
Yes...your friend and I seem to have similarities. I feel things..my issue is growing up with narcissistic parents I have learned not to listen to my empaths intuition.
@@Ireneseesthru28 this is the same for me... I can feel it but then negate it cos of indoctrination.... Wanna get past this....🙏👋✌️🐾
@@bereal6590 👋🤞✌🦋 fingers crossed that better days are ahead and we will break through our indoctrination. We can do it! Dr. Ramadi certainly helps!
This is my husband. The difference is he has confidence and self esteem and didn't have to deal with these behaviours growing up. He tries to help me deal with the two narcs in my life and it's so hard to break the programming when your core personality was not developed in a healthy environment.
Yes, the same!
I think the main way to be immune to narcissists is to not need or want anything from them. This means financial or parental support, shelter, companionship, validation, business relationships, etc. The hard truth I had to face is the realization that I put up with the abuse for so long to get something I thought I needed or wanted.
Excellent point!
yeaaaaaaaaa!
Yes!
AMEN! I totally agree!
EXCEPT when you want (and have a right!) to see your grandson, and they play mind games with you, making excuses, making arrangements, then ghosting you, baiting you and messing up the meeting, so it falls through every time. Grand-parental alienation. My grandson is almost a stranger to me now, and they fill his head with stuff like - it's all my fault when things go wrong. And tell him what a 'bad' person I am etc. For so long I've put up with this for the sake of my grandson, on the receiving end of plain nasty duplicitous behaviour. Then it is a bit more difficult ain't it?!
@@judy1angel Children are not stupid. Even if they can't (yet) articulate things, they feel them exactly.
So if you are who you are in those few minutes/meetings when you have the opportunity to be with your grandson, he will feel your patience, your wisdom, anything. Believe in good energies!
As soon as I recognize that someone is narcissistic, I immediately put up an invisible barrier from the start and I carefully proceed.
I wont even talk to anyone like that anymore. I will not engage at all.
I wish I was like u dude
Sounds like "soul distancing" from one of Dr. Ramani's other videos. Cool. Gotta try this out.
Very nice way to frase it
Nowadays i think just like you, but my biggest fear is thinking that now i know everything about narcisists and how to identify them and be caught unaware :( it's been very difficult for me living with this. It's like i prefer to identify narcisists everywhere than suffer again with a narcisistic relationship. Going to be single forever? Maybe. But narcisists never again, that's for sure!
Interestingly, I have been observing this in my teenage son’s relationship with his Narc father. He’s always calm and composed, and never budges from his boundaries no matter how hard his Father tries to sweet talk or bully his way through, and says ‘No thank you’ very politely with a smile, which seems to disarm him. He’s fully aware of his father’s shenanigans, yet maintains sort of an indifferent relationship with him, where they only talk about general things.
Very Mom, 💗💞
Proud of your son....👍♥️
But at some level, it hurts to imagine the void he must feel inside - to restrict the relationship to general things!
I'm sure you more than make up for it :)
More power to you 🙏
What a blessing to have a son like that, good on you and him:0)
Wow--Sounds like you've raised him right!!!! You must be a great mom who gave him enough stability and self esteem that he no doubt wants, but doesn't NEED validation and approval from his father You gave him inner narc vaccine. LOL.
With the help of an excellent therapist, my son is getting there.
My older sister is immune to our narcissistic mother. We both are each other's strength and encouragers.
What got me to the point of being immune to narcissists is something my therapist said to me many years ago..... "You can't control what a person says or does, but you can control how you react to it and how you allow it to affect you."
I don't know if I would say that I was one such person, but I didn't know I was in a Narcissistic relationship. Everything that you described was me for a long time. I have been married for thirty years. I am trying understand and I don't know if I want to say with because of lately feeling bad for my daughter's that have a hard time to deal with him. My mom was also this kind of person Andy grandmother was probably Narcissistic. I learned from her.
You actually can’t control how you react to it if you have trauma triggers. It will trigger you regardless of how you try to control it. You can pretend it doesn’t affect you but that will be denial and avoidance.
Technically true, however controlling how you react and how it affects you consumes a huge amount of mental & emotional energy. And sometimes the required amount just isn't there.
@@ak5659 True. It's like being shot in the foot suddenly and having to pretend it doesn't hurt or bother you. Much easier said than done.
My younger sister is a MASTER! I wish I was. I’ve learned a lot from her. She’s a very happy person. Things don’t bother her. SUPER EASY GOING. LOVE HER!
I have one
...a Sociologist and
Specialized in Recovering from NPD Abuse.
Your younger sister had you. As I see the devaluating pattern now with my parents and me finding wrong partners that devaluate me. I did never see, I only tried harder. Finally at 49 I Saw. Why not my sister in This Trouble? Now 52, trying to validatie myself, I can der, She had me to validatie her. Realising This is at the same time recovery, because I AM validating myself 😊
Probably a young lady.. No one is "just happy" as a middle age or older person. We learn that we must make place for happiness or it will not come.
@@yellowdayz1800 or privileged.
I was like that in my marriage to the narcissist for 17 years. I learnt to detach from his words and behavior. But it does wear you down eventually, even if you're confident and self-assured. You can pretend that things don't affect you but they always take a toll eventually. I left him last year.
It is a hard thing to leave. Other people don't see what you see, or experience what you experience. For me an authentic life has been hard-won, and a financial struggle, but I haven't lost any sleep.
Congratulations! You are free now.
I'm not sure that's what she's talking about. She's talking about not being bothered. Anyway, congrats!
did anything change?
The fact that you can endure the narcissist's poison doesn't mean you have to keep living in it. Good grief, there is no badge of courage for that, really.
I am learning how to do this. I call it compassionate detachment. Where I observe the craziness with compassion for the hell they create for themselves, but stay out of the drama. Even if I need to cut the visit or call short when they cross my boundaries. And when they do try to rope me in, I just tell them my magicL phrase "stonewalling (whatever manipulative technique) doesn't work for me anymore" or if you want my help, you need to ask me nicely. Or I will stop doing whatever it is that I am doing, "you can wait."
Done that my friend it works!
It took me 40 years to become immune to narcissists. So true - I learnt not to take words or people personally - like watching television - you see what’s going on but you have no investment in it.
That is SO well said.... like the Matrix comment! God bless you!
I'm doing this now too...after so many years
@@Jane-ek2ex True freedom Jane - and so much more peaceful 💕
For me it took 50 years to recognize what it was and now I think I’m on my way to immunity. You are so right that’s it’s watching a TV show when you see the behavior. It’s astounding. Where was Dr R when I was younger? 🥲. Could have save me so much grief, heartache and disappointment. She is amazing.
@@rosemuller1518 o9p999o9Xl
"My self-esteem is not dependent on your opinion of me." I'll never forget that line from Dr. Phil when a nasty guest on his show told him that she didn't like him. It shut her right down. I have used this exact line when attacked by a family member (yes, I am a survivor of a dysfunctional family--my role was truth-teller/scapegoat), and it works--as long as it's true. You have to develop solid self-esteem to be immune to attack.
I'll try to remember that one
I only vaguely remembered the words Dr. Phil used during that particular episode, but I remember how they rang so true and perfectly articulated what the nasty guest was trying to do that nobody in the audience could possibly defend her after those words were spoken; her tactics were so utterly exposed, and it was done before a live audience. It was like she was suddenly naked, and so obviously strangled herself into silence despite the vitriol she wanted to continue spewing, all in the hopes she might later save face instead of continuing to keep revealing how evil/petty/manipulative she could be.
@Earthbound Angel 🙏☘️💜 Thank you for this line. I will keep it in my notes:)
Thankyou so much for this i will say it over and over until I never forget it. I too was the truth teller in my family. 🙏
What was his line?
Humor is a good way to deal with them. The only way. Never take them seriously.
But that’s not the way to go about in cases of abuse, especially physical abuse
so true - narcissists dont know how to handle humor or kindness
It's hard when you have kids with narcissistic people.
You know what’s interesting, humor is the only way and time that my dad will be a normal human communicating with me.
Great advice, I’ve had to take inventory, because and I’ve noticed I really need to change my tone
I worked as an RN in a hospital setting. There are tons on narcissists there. One charge nurse in the ER used to just smile sweetly when a narcissist(usually a Dr) would rant. Obviously just letting it roll off her shoulders. She was a hero to me!
Healthcare is full of these people
True! I'm in a woman shelter, I left my Psycopath and here are Soziopaths and almost all Narcissist and flying monkeys. And they are helping woman that got beaten and raped!
Being immune to narcissism comes from a history of abuse and learning to turn off emotions.
Yup I'm immune now but I still feel hurt from the years it took to get immune, and the abuse suffered even after I was immune. Basically before I was old enough to give them more than they wanted if they decided to get physical after being constantly grey rocked to death by me.
I thought the same
It does not REALLY run off your back.
@@slimjim7411 getting physical works wonder with these types
Not always! My husband is a very calm person and doesn't let people get to him! He doesn't take things personally and doesn't care what people think! He is my rock and I wished I could be more like him.
Until I learnt about NPD, I was an open door to these bastards and they tore me to shreds. Now I wear my NPD glasses and I'm not so easily exploited. Do NOT put your inner validation in the hands of others, especially not these evil, dark, heartless creatures. You don't have to be perfect to love yourself. There is not ONE perfect person on this planet. You are deserving of compassion and respect. Give it to YOURSELF. Let the Narc drown in his/her own darkness. They bring NO value to your life.
I love this!
Very good comment
Thanks!
This is so true. I couldn't have said it better.
🔥
You are describing my sister. She is the kindest person I have ever met and she is completely immune to narcissists. She is the happiest person I have ever met as well. She constantly amazes me.
Amen! Our happiness kills them!
@@iys6890 ❤
How does she do it?
No it Can’t be a her
Tell us more about her. Does she ever have challenges/problems? She sounds amazing!
I know someone who has a phrase it seems cold but she does it to prevent being manipulated. She says,” don’t care, didn’t ask.” I think it keeps any manipulators at bay. And I love it.
"Immune" is probably a strong term. "Moderately unaffected" is more accurate, but less catchy lol. But this video describes me almost exactly. The big difference is that I called out the narcissist instead of shrugging. I don't know how, or why, but I was born as an immune unicorn. My life experiences just heightened it, and honed whatever the thing is that makes me like this.
I was raised in a cult by a covert narcissistic father, who was the "pastor." I got out with my self-esteem intact, and have really struggled to find self-help materials that explain my mostly intact sense of self. This video is the first that I've ever really connected with. (Thanks a ton, Dr Ramani!
I love that you saw who he was and kept being yourself. I wasn't as wise as you, but I've wised up and, like you, I choose to confront. I confronted my malignant narcissist cousin last week when I was providing hospice care for my grandma. When he started ordering me around, I told him to do it himself. I did it right in front of my grandma, but I don't deal with that shit anymore. The only thing that I didn't like about it is that it was still reactive. I'm not completely immune yet, but I'm learning. If I had to do it again, I'd say, "I don't let people talk to me that way because I respect myself. If you want to ask me in a respectful way, I'd be happy to help." The amusing thing is that he then told stories to the family saying that I had Grandma in a dark room (she had asked for the curtains closed and was sleeping until his dumbass came and woke her up) and he told the family that I had given her meds while she was laying down that she could have choked on (also wasn't true, but the one med I gave her is one that melts under the tongue so I COULD have given it to her laying down if I had chosen to). It was just funny seeing the family's reaction because they knew who he was. It was a completely different dynamic than when I left my abuser of 20 years. He had been covert and I was in an angry stage of grief so they thought I had been the crazy one. Now, when I had done my work so that I didn't need their validation, they were all there for me. So weird. Whatever. Now that I see this, I am kind of glad that they didn't support me. Now I get my validation from myself and it is a key ingredient to being narcissist-immune.
Dragonfly C I was married to a narc. My oldest son would do the same as you did: he wouldn‘t accept sh.. from his father! And as an adult he would never buy into his father‘s BS. That helps me a lot 😁
Wow I’m in awe of your strength and self assurance. I’m in the process of trying to be more like yourself since I’ve recently discovered that I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I also love that even though you stood your ground you’re still trying to understand your childhood and heal that way. You’re an inspiration and thank you for posting your journey on this thread.
Welldone you!
I wasnt as strong as you were, but i kept fighting inside n remained true to myself, best as i could re my real dad n step-mum. After a year, mum came back for me after having abandoned me, so it got easier to just 'go with the flow' n be lil miss obedient when i could figure out what that was XD
Thank god ur not as confused as i am, despite having gone through so much worse than i did.
I'm here because im trying to figure out if my mum's a narc or something else XD
*cheers*
Self love, self respect, self dignity and compassion for others are the traits one must have in order to be immune from narcissistic individuals. Taking care of self with an understanding that we will not be controlled by a immature individual, nor will we try to control their illogical behavior, is essential to a healthy mind set. It begins and ends with self.
Yes
Thanks
Very well said
Hard lesson learned nevertheless...
Well said...
My uncle is one of these immune folks. Married to my highly neurotic narcissistic aunt for 66 years! One of his favorite sayings is "Nobody is going to spoil my day"! I often felt that he was deserving of a medal!!
Thank u! Great slogan!!!
Or he was a narc too? 🤔
Why was he stuck with a narc?
Yes absolutely. I don't give you the right to spoil my day.
I’m so lucky to have Dr Ramani and Dr Carter dispense with their priceless wisdom for free on TH-cam. You’re the best healers for NPD victims and you’ve made a very positive impact in my social adjustments and moving on - thanks a billion!
When my narc competitive sister and mother in law brag about their expensive or brand name stuff, I say "that's nice!" Instead of anything negative. Living life simply is calming..
To people who do that, I simply just sit there. I say nothing. Cause I don’t REALLY think that that’s nice. And I refuse to be inauthentic.
I had a coworker who would show off her designer outfits at work. She would do this to make others envious and to exert her "position" over others. I've always been more practical than fanciful, and had no idea a LV bag was supposed to be envied. When she revealed how much she paid for the bag, I was aghast and asked her if maybe she was being conned by the seller? I bought my bag at JC Penney for under $50, and I honestly thought I was the smarter person of the two of us and said as much. I BRAGGED at how I managed to get my bag on sale and had a coupon. Then I asked her if she kept the receipt so that she could get her money back, as she had obviously been ripped off. (We both worked as cocktail waitresses at the same dive bar)
She avoided me after that. I was not going to provide her any supply because I was obviously "too stupid" to recognize her excellent taste. 😆
I'm more immune to narcissists now, thanks to internalizing empowering videos for the past two years from Dr. Ramani 🥰
Amen to that!
It needs more than just knowledge… one of them is a natural Mental Strength
Dr. Ramani's are the absolutely best on TH-cam.
Indeed! The Great Doctor has ‘rescued’ so many… 🙏🙏🙏
So nice to see. I feel the same. Dr. Ramani have really helped me. Knowledge have really helped me. And the narcissist I know, is getting so evil, that is backfiring… I am grateful that it is so obvious. Even though I am traumabouned, I am on my way. And I cannot thank Dr. Ramani enough.
Yes, I actually know several. My husband is one of those immune people. He has a very healthy self-esteem, he is an extrovert, has healthy boundaries, he's very easygoing... He comes from a pretty healthy family. He puts his foot down the 1st time the narcissist gets out of line and then he steps away.
So true, I’m like your husband in that respect (and undoubtedly ONLY in that respect 😉): I had a very healthy childhood with loving but no-nonsense parents who truly believed in us and fostered a sense of self-confidence in their children. We made a few mistakes and learnt some things the hard way, but deep down inside we knew we didn’t have to put up with sh*t. And that is one heck of a good armour.
@johnhooper she is probably watching this channel about someone else in her life
John Hooper ....Sounds like narcissistic gaslight talk. Full of conjecture and projection. Mind your own business, tend to your own experience, and let others do the same. That kind of speculative comment has no value. Boundaries...
@@brigitalarsen7335 Actually it does have value
@John Hooper Dr Ramani actually said those who are immune come from very difficult backgrounds, not healthy family backgrounds. In other words they have "learned" through much grief and pain what to do and what not to do and how to navigate. What mindset to have, how to treat themselves, etc.
My best friend is like this and she’s not snobby at all. She KNOWS herself and I’ve never met a person that didn’t like her. She’s beautiful inside and out.
I’ve learned SO much from her about being calm and detached in a healthy way, as you said.
If she doesn’t like someone you’ll never be able to tell because she treats everyone well and takes nothing personally.
That said, she absolutely limits her time with these awful people but she is cordial.
She never tells people her business, not even me and we’ve been friends for almost 25 years. She doesn’t “reassure” people like an enabler, she expects another adult to manage themselves.
She is the “ISTJ” type (I’m ENFP) but very balanced numbers. She’s totally unique and special, down to earth and loyal. Of course she is not perfect and I’ve learned that over the years too, which has been reassuring for me.
Thanks for your channel, I recommend it regularly over the last 2-3 years since I’ve been watching you.
as someone who has been a simp, this is off the fucking charts .
Neo:
"What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?"
Morpheus:
"No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to."
-- The Matrix
Perfect♡
thanks for this comment.
👌🏾🌀🙌🏾
Nice!
Can you explain this quote please
Not taking things personally is hard to learn, especially for women, as women are taught from a very early age on, to break their boundaries, to care for everyone except themselves. And they are taught, that everything is their fault and their problem.
Yeah I know, right? natural laws seem to be so much against women
And so we See ourselve as worthless and guilty, and are in shame when we just take care of us. Most Male human beeings have learned to See a women in this Narration.
@@lindagithaiga1974 ...Yeah. But we don't have to give in to this 'natural selection' !?!? ;))) We CAN ...decide to not absoooorb the Narcs.
@@lindagithaiga1974 not so much natural laws as much as "(wo)man's laws." The Holy Bible, the Creators word, says that women are to be submissive to their husbands and that husbands are to cherish their wives. When someone is cherishing you, they will never deny you the ability to "take care of yourself."
This world has taught some seriously wrong doctrine when it comes to the male/female relationship/roles and it's caused a tremendous amount of damage to the family structure/ functioning.
@@lindagithaiga1974 Misogyny in socialiazation is not a "natural law"
When you get to know yourself really well and start feeling that you are enough on the inside, when you stop asking for external validation and stop trying to convince people to trust you and to be on your side, when you dive deep and begin to feel your core self, when you heal the effects of the gas-lighting that can be addictive, you are on a good way to become immune to narcissists. It can't happen overnight and it's not a given.
Verdad
Yesss girl 👍🏼
Very true
Well said Ivana!
Beautiful!
Dr. Ramani, you have changed my life. I had been dealing with a narcissist for almost forty-two years and KNEW there was something extremely sick about him that I just couldn't name. He caused me terrible pain over this long period of time until I was near-suicidal. I can across your videos and now I am free! I have found a marvelous therapist and my healing has been life-changing for me. I no longer look at what I lost because of this awful person but what I have managed to hold onto. I can tell everyone out there it is never too late to escape and heal from a relationship with a narcissist. My life is still hard but beautiful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Congratulations ❤
I feel this so hard... because i'm very empathic but when i feel lies or manipulation. My mind says "okay this person isn't worth it the effort" and i'll be avoinding deep connection or trying to understand who they are.
As an introvert, relationship takes so much energy so i really don't mind skiping relationship and taking my spare time for my health. I don't feel guilty or anything else because i take care of myself.
Keep taking care of yourself, good nice advise, thank you!!!!
So wise 👌🏻
There a book called the human magnet syndrome by Ross Rosenberg
you are infj i beliave
@@DaruziAlgebra I'm an INTJ
Woman you have saved me so many hours of stress, and for that I sincerely thank you. You do a fine job of articulating irrational behavior in a way that the rational mind can understand. It clears the cloudiness that 'crazy making' causes. May your work reach all those you can help.
❤same❤❤
Yessssss ❤❤❤ thanks for every lesson you are teaching...thanks for your clear speaking...it is so helpful learning to understand the irritating behaviour of narcisstic people !!! 17:01
My nephew seems to be immune to his mom. Great boundaries. Says “no, I’m not doing this” “that’s not my problem”
I’m so impressed because it took me years to get where he seems to be able to live.
I believe the key to being an immune to narcissists is to trust your gut and scope them out early. Once you have educated yourself on enough of the specific behaviours you can spot them a mile away without investing anything of yourself.
Yes, I think so to!
My husband is one of these ‘immune to narcissists’ unicorns. And straight up this is probably why I married him. He’s completely able to help me understand how to not take a narc personally. Pretty amazing.
Luck you are.
So is mine. Isn’t it crazy there are people like that? Just so zen all the time.
I had a unicorn Dad and sister who innately knew this. What a gift they have!
I think you can be immune in one of two cases; either you grew up in a very healthy environment or you grew up around narcissists, lol
how do you suppress the need to roll your eyes often ? ;-)
@@annebutterfield6221 Do you roll your eyes at children when they misbehave? No, you understand they have limited capacities.
We see the narcs as children in adult bodies, incapable, so why be bothered?
I'm starting to become more "immune" to narcissism. I try to stay in a place of self love and remind myself that a narcissists drama, or anyone else's drama, isn't my problem. I actively tell myself, "It's not my sh*t," and move on as much as I can.
Same same same. I try so much to not get entagled with other people emotionally. I just think about the ppl who treat me right and the things that make me happy. I realized that you can't have healthy connections with everyone because some people are unable to treat you like a person
I try hard to not get involved in anyone elses drama too but sometimes and even more so recently I just can't help myself at calling people out before I bin them! lol. I used to walk away feeling hurt and not say anything, but it feels better to just say something back just once even and then walk away! I'm not going to argue with anyone....just one cutting statement is all I need!
@Wyndham Conway it's so cool when people phrase something in a way that hits differently! Thank you, "It's not my shit" helped to loosen the responsibility I feel to help my mom.
@@HighFeeline you're so welcome! I'm glad it helped!
Mhm exactly. This girl I work with thinks I still consider her a friend but I figured out she was a narc and I act totally different w her now. She found a mistake in my work and of course pointed it out and tried to scare me into being afraid of the repercussions but I just fixed it and emailed her back, “Fixed! ☺️” I could practically feel her shaking with rage. 😂😂😂
We should all strive to not take it personally. It’s never about you anyway. Narcissists are so self involved.
I grew up in a super abusive family where everything was always my fault. When I left in my late teens I worked a lot of hours in retail and I learned a bunch of amazing "customer service" strategies from this incredible co-worker who did floral arrangements at a Micheals store where i worked as a cashier. Never take anything personally, always say your on the customers side, always agree with whatever they say, use "us" and "we" with the customer and "them" when talking about store management so the customer thinks your on their side and not the big mean stores side and then- this move is AMAZING if your in retail - whatever they want tell them you'll "check in the back" then just go in the back and take like a five or ten minute break, go to bathroom, whatever, then come back all distressed and tell the customer you looked everywhere for whatever but couldn't find it. Narcissists love to push around people in the service industry and working the service industry is where i learned the best techniques for dealing with them.
‘Come back all distressed’ LOL 😂😂
I wouldn’t call customers that demand to have customer service, narcissist. They just expect good help. It drives me nuts when the people representing a retail, restaurant, rental, etc. company, want to act like it’s not important what the customer needs and should expect are just irritating to the representatives that are there “to” serve that very service or product.
@@jacksgl777 there’s an old adage: you get what you pay for 🤣😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
@@baileydavenport744 I’m not sure how you would say it applies here in your situation. It’s not like I shop at Walmart’s, myself.
Do your job right. Be true to self, and truthful with customers. Also be stoic in the face of stressful situations involving customer interactions.
The stuff you're doing is pathological bro.
I carry a QTIP in my pocket when he’s around, it reminds me to Quit Taking It Personal
Thanks for the TIP.
True.
Lmao
ANJALIA--Love, love LOVE it!
Thank you for this! 💜
I grew up with a narcissistic father. I moved out of the house as soon as I was financially able to do so. After being around normal, non-narcissistic people, I came to realize that my father hurt me because there was something wrong with him. This became more obvious to me after spending even more of my time around "normal " people.
Same here.Once I got children, our relationshit got worse and I decided to cut him off!
I can relate to having a narcissistic father. I always thought something was wrong with him even when I was younger.
Yes, I joined the Navy to get away from my father during Viet Nam War. He was evil. Last 15 years of his life I cut of all communication to him. Best thing I ever did for myself.
Same
Narcs as fathers are really trying to aim at the nothingness , their life is merely shallow defense they keep keeping it in check
If you looked at their "lives" its sad , its funny its primal
At the same time
They self destructive, raise narcissistic daughters without they know , then they hate it when they became under that narc daughter mercy
I went out of mad house to basically homelessness and realized how life is really enjoyable! And fun
Now i really couldnt imagine how life will be with a promising job and fun , non zombie people who dam accept you as you are
1 thing i regret :
HOPELESSNESS
1 thing im grateful for :
Anxiety
Esther Sim After I realized the problem was not me...
It took years, thank you, now I am IMMUNE. thank you for providing the magnifying glass to my mother and others. Shrugging it off, as I go to my desk for the day. #1 company for athletics, surrounded by all these Narcissistic sharks and laughing away the day. Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Most of the time, immune people have a natural gift of being very diplomatic.They place themselves always outside the emotional trap of the other person.
@@morninstar1498 Haha! We are together mundane! 👍🏼😇 Diplomacy and to be able to diffuse difficult situations with humor would be fantastic! However it takes practice after years of being emotionally exploited and manipulated by narc parents and related poison.
Stoisism also seems to be a lifestyle for learning. Look for 'Einzelganger' on TH-cam! Interesting to know more about. It helps to deal with emotional triggers (from trauma) differently in general, and not especially focused on the 'narcissist', which is really a relief if you also like some philosophy.
How can a toddler do this, especially a gifted sensitive toddler, as they internalise everything.
I believe this takes an extraordinary amount of self-esteem & discipline.
It’s actually how my sister became a narcissist herself. She always talked about how great she was and she would shrug my mother crazy fights off. I guess it’s a thin line.
@@arlizan430 - Yikes! My healing is predicated on talking to a therapist and accepting my Mom is just not capable.
yea it does
It DOES
Just an ordinary amount is enough. If you learn to love yourself through failure, then you kinda become invincible.
After 30 years in and out of therapy, I’ve reached this point. I’m firmly rooted in reality, the narc is not, and it’s their problem, not mine. Yes, boundaries are key.
30 years? Dr. Ramani cured my confusion over narcissists in 30 podcasts. Thank you and blessings to you Dr. Ramini!!
God allowed me to handle many toxic attitudes and behaviours, but after my 30 year marriage he overstepped my boundary of infidelity and that was the last straw on the camel's back for me. I filed for Divorce after years really seeing him for Who he really was over the years since I started dating him.
Not My Energy Vampire anymore. I'm free 🙌🙌🙌
@@janemuller2066 so that camel's back did not break
I see what you did there
@@SuspiriaX That camel is no longer my problem. It's ME time and I'm richer for the experience.Some people are more compatible with each other. Dysfunction can ONLY live with Dysfunction. Narcissistic behaviour is Dysfunctional and Abnormal.
@@cynthiabochenski5466 Narcissistic behaviour is confusing. God brought the Awareness along when He knew I had Enough after 34 years not understanding the behaviour that drains you Mentally and Emotionally.
I am actually starting to get there. Thanks to you and other TH-camrs that have enlightened me. I no longer ignore red flags, I don't fall for love bombing and future faking, I document everything the split second I even suspect to be dealing with a narcissist, I don't get entangled and keep my distance, and I walk away no matter what carrot they dangle. Another big one is that I have no illusions about being able to get through, heal or help a narcissist.
Somewhere in mid-life I learned you can't change the unchangeable, you can't please the unpleasable, and you can't reason with the unreasonable. I expect nothing from the narcissists in my life and I am very firm with my boundaries. And yes, self-preservation is high on my list of values.
Im 45 now but I’m so very fortunate to have learned this when I was about 11 yrs old! It has saved me years of my life not wasting it on the unpleaseable. I just always did what made ME happy snd that has served me well especially when I look at my sisters who have yet to learn that lesson. I was a smart kid for that age. I saw everything for what it really was snd not what I wished it was or should have been.
I think you are right when you are confident in your self they have no place the shake in you.
_"*That*'s not my problem."_
_"*They*'re not my problem."_
As women we're taught, conditioned by society, to be the "nice girl." Fuck that. One must be ruthless and thick skinned to clap back against this evil and root them OUT of your life. Even if they're family.
Hell yea💯💯
It is also important though to understand that their problems are not yours. I don't mean this in a selfish way. I can still care about others, just that for instance if you see someone bring certain things into their lives that that is their doing. I am not responsible for their actions , just my own. People are where they are at. You can still be yourself, just know your own boundaries. Guilt-tripping from them does not work if you are conscious of your own welfare & putting that first. You aren't responsible for them or their lives. Their spiritual & mental growth (or lack of it 😏) is their own. So now I'm standing in my own strength. I have no struggle with the concept of forgiveness anymore because they are what they are. I choose to walk away. There's a very good video by a spiritual guru on TH-cam and it helped me enormously. To forgive, you need to first criminalise someone, but if you accept people for who they are & walk away there is a peace in that. It is not my job to educate / change another person. But I do agree no contact is empowering. So is the realisation you can only change you, & how you choose to perceive them & what you do to protect yourself, your loved ones and your sanity.
Some people describe these people as a circus. You can be aware the circus is in town, but I choose not to watch or participate. That's not to say they cannot hurt you/cause pain, but it is minimised if you know when it is time to walk away and act in ways to protect yourself. I now see his bullshit & lies as his problem. A person I once thought I loved greatly, now I feel nothing much for. I handed back their responsibility for their behaviour back to them. Moving forward without them is incredibly healing and breath-takingly peaceful compared to the circus I once let into my life. It no longer matters to me they are this way. I do feel sorry for their future victims, but they are responsible for that pain, not me. It's wonderful to finally be on the other side of my entanglements with them. They pushed me so far the other way they will never have a way in again & that is fine by me. Hold fast to who you are as a person, don't allow them to change you or make you feel bitter. Hand back to them (mentally) all the hurt, pain and guilt. Take care and good luck in your journey.
Truth.
I don't think of it as Even if they're family, I think of it as ESPECIALLY if they're family.
Family has been proving it for years and guilting us into taking it and not talking about it.
Agreed. Unfortunately. Need to develop toughness, yes.
This is a great lesson for anyone who is dealing with any kind of toxic person. DON'T TAKE THE SCHMOO PERSONALLY! Works for me. 😊
As a sensitive empath I can tell you my biggest lesson was to learn breathing and instant calming techniques coupled with learning not to open up to a narc. I don't share milestones, success or any personal info anymore as I realized that everything I share with them gets used against me. What a narc doesn't see or hear, won't bother or trigger them so hide everything! Down to the name of your perfume...they must know as little about you as possible.
Yes.. they are data collectors and will use it against you!
Yep, I don’t enjoy being around narcissists, but when I came to the realization at about 11 that the way my mom treated me had nothing to do with me, it was like a revelation. It was a little sad in that I also realized there wasn’t a ton of hope for things getting better, but I was able to move on with my life. From that point on I learned to create distance from her, which I am sure was damaging to myself on some level as a minor child, but better than the alternative. As an adult, I have little tolerance for that type of behavior and generally find myself surrounded by really amazing people.
@JessieBanana
I was a little older (middle school) when I realized that about my father. It didn't help me handle him any better but it kept me semi-sane.
❤❤❤
I just found it out at the age of 33 thanks to the psychotherapist. My whole family is narcistic.
WELL DONE!!
Amazing to realize that at 11! Well done.
My sister and her husband had a clever system: when they visited our parents for example, during the Christmas holidays, part of their holidays they had reserved to travel to some nice place for holidays AFTER meeting my parents. They told me that they just are so exhausted after visiting them that they need holidays after it, before going to work again. I recommend that system. The other system that I also used is, that we noticed that 3 days is the maximum we can take. After three days, the atmosphere starts to tighten, dark clouds are cumulating and there are signs of an explosion. Time to leave.
I totally agree. We are visiting my parents next week and we let ourselves have two more days before work just to get ourselves together after the visit. Also, we plan to spread our errands/other activities throughout the week we visit so we don’t stay together with them days in a row. I am already exhausted now thinking about it. But we have a plan. Yes.. we have a plan this time.. we’ll be fine. Oh god please.
This is funny because whenever my mother and I visit my grandparents we have to leave after 3 days, too. I don't know what's up with that lol.
I always say I’m busy.
In my country there is a saying: “visits and fish the third day stink”. One night with my parents, tops.
@@carolc2574 🤣🤣🤣lol.how I wish I knew that sooner.
I love this. I was married to a narcissist for 27 years and didn't know that is what it was. I just got tired of reacting, fighting, etc so 5 years before he left me, I stopped feeding his supply. A month after he left, I came across this and started researching it. This has been so helpful because my mom is such a narcissist and use to try to change her, show her the wrong of her ways. But not anymore. I use deep technique and have a superficial relationship with her
Thank you for sharing part of ur story! I am similar, just now discovering I am in a marriage with a narcissistic wife for past 25 years. But now I feel hope because I know it is actually NOT ME, but the that I am her spouse and that is why I am belitted, devalued and generally ignored unless the task is hot, heavy or dirty. Anyone in that spot would be treated the same over time. Yes it is still a lonely place, but now there is hope for true inner happiness. No more blaming myself for nothing and feeling crazy about it!
My technique is grey rock and limit discussions to sports, weather and the kids schedules. Then focus on being the best dad I can while the kids are under our roof.
I wish you well in your journey!😀
Your story is my story EXACTLY 28 years, didn’t know, narc mother