I firmly believe that narcissists, like my late mother, have a literal energy field around them that is disturbing. Even if she wasn't doing anything disruptive I found it hard to think clearly when I was within 6 feet of her.
I can relate to this quite well. When my narc father is nearby, I prefer to stop doing whatever I'm doing -until he goes away and I can feel safer and more relaxed. For if I continue to do things when he's nearby, I have a tendency to break things or drop things because I feel so horrendously anxious when he is around.
My mother also had anxiety issues and lots of extreme emotional reactions. I often wonder if I was traumatized by all the energy and all those chemicals even before I left the womb.
Yes. I would say that lack of integrity and authenticity is the real root of evil in a connection/relationship. If there is integrity and truthfulness, even if the person is somehow self-centered, empathy and mutuality will emerge, one way or another. I believe that the main characteristic of NDPs is lack of integrity not lack of empathy.
I can relate to this quite well. When my narc father is nearby, I prefer to stop doing whatever I'm doing -until he goes away and I can feel more relaxed. For if I continue to do things when he's nearby, I have a tendency to break things or drop things because I feel so horrendously anxious when he is around.
And by narcissistic SHOWER I'm guessing you're referring to the myclobutanil sprayed marijuana?... ☺️ Now with up to 1/5th the lethal dose for humans! That's 130PPM of hydrogen cyanide! 🧩
Oh yes, Linda. The grieving for me goes in cycles. I'm good for a few months and then another loss is experienced. Grieving is healthy. Better than stuffing it all down, which is what we do to survive while living with the N. 34+ years with one. Out almost 4, but still healing. Best to you.
@@Al........ Thank you Al. It's a journey, one day at a time. The bible tells us to cast our cares on Him (Jesus) because He cares for us. And that is what I endeavor to do. It is hard to understand how a person who professes to love you is truly unable to live out that love in a real way. Words versus actions. So hard to wrap the mind around. Hope you find real love.
It will get better for you. Been there lived through it. You can now take what was meant for bad and apply it to self betterment/ self reflection. Meaning: you are a stronger wiser person having gone through the fire. We are victors not victims. Again, I can relate and it does get better once they are gone. Be patient and loving to yourself. Karma is real and happens. Seen it, we need do nothing they are their own worst enemy. Remember, they have to live with themselves every day and the lies they live and spread.
Yes me too. 11 years of my life. I just got out and even though I feel releaved and grateful that I figured out what was going on ( thanks to all of you ), I am experiencing a grieving period too. When my mother died and I was grieving her, my period stopped for exactly 1 year. I went to the doctor, they did hormone tests and all kind of other tests and they said that there is nothing wrong with me physically. After 1 year my period came back and I am better about loosing my mother. The same thing happened after getting rid of the narcissist. It was 4 Month ago and I’m not having my period but I know that everything will be better. Grieving is a natural state, we just have to wait it out, we will be fine! Maybe we lost previous years but we are not dead yet, we are alive and much more! We are coming back!
The thing is you're not dealing with the person, you're dealing with the devil working through them. "We war not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities of the darkness, in high places." Submit to God, resist the devil (working through the narcissist), and he will flee from you. GO NO CONTACT.
While in a narcissistic relationship, I considered taking my life. Once I left, the onslaught of flying monkey attacks, coupled with her legal aggressiveness, didn't leave much of me left, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. It takes years to recover from high-control relationships.
Sure does, thank God we have the 'blue sky' thinking capacity to see joy in the small things. They are a stagnant muddy puddle! Season upon season we gain knowledge and grow, we learn to have compassion on ourselves and heal on the overflow. Soon the right, healthy-and-perfectly-imperfect people will begin to find each other to heal and build community like this one 😊🙏
Take care, 🥰I have been in that place and of course I was always seen as the problem by him and all the enablers and "flying monkeys" in his family., including his v elderly mother who I have realised is def a v skilled covert narcissist.
You can do it. Give your kids plenty of love and CONVERSATION. Also don't underestimate the power of physical touch. It really living and healing. Take it from a child that was NEVER TOUCHED. My mother never even held my hand or kissed me. These are the ways you will win your children. Especially if she doesn't do these things. YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP!! 👍👍
I know the feeling of feeling hopeless and nothing is ever stable in your life , one minute things feel okay then you notice that it’s all gone strange and you don’t know why , I’m told I’m not interested in the financial situation but find there’s not much money in the only joint account and quite a bit in his many other bank accounts , he came into my house when we had been together for six months , he had lost his home with his first wife, her fault he said ,and now he treats me like I don’t matter now he’s financially better than he was before he married me , I feel a fool I knew something wasn’t right in my beginning but that was before I had the internet and could dig deeper into things. If anyone is feeling that the relationship is going wrong listen to your gut if you can’t find any other reason for the behaviour get away from this person asp.
@@FaithfulandTrue949 this was truly lovely and refreshing to read as a way to describe it. I was and am blessed that I was always able to turn to nature and the smallest of joys and humour, laughing with my mum sometimes about the worst of experiences, to keep me keeping on! Thank you for such a lovely passage to uplift the writer and all of us! Hugs. Lovely.
The narc in my home asked me: What would you do if I left? (I wasn't sufficiently cooperative when I found out he was cheating on a marriage). Says I, without skipping a beat, " Hire a lawn service. Yep. That should cover it." He was speechless.
Learned a new word today. Dysflexion. Also saw for the first time just how damaged and enslaved narcissists and their cohort of enablers are. They're like the walking dead. Like zombies bound in chains, desperately and uncontrollably trying to infect the living and drag them into their funnel of death. You could no more expect a narcissist to do good than you could a corpse, especially a reanimated one. What a profound insight. I choose life. Ahhhhh. Sweet, sweet freedom.
@@s.k.2017 I just googled it. Copied: Autonomic dysreflexia is an abnormal, overreaction of the involuntary (autonomic) nervous system to stimulation. This reaction may include: Change in heart rate. Excessive sweating. High blood pressure.Jun 23, 2020 It sounds like what my body feels when I'm having an episode of complex PSTD. Plus my thigh muscles get weak from the rush of adrenaline I get.
My puppy played with a moth. To him it was just a curious play thing. But the moth was being destroyed and finally left for dead as the dog moved on to the next fascination. Reminded me of how narcissists treat people. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom. I’m doing well with no contact and feel safe again.
I was in a 2 decade marriage to a malignant Narc when we moved out of state. It was a brand new neighborhood, everyone was on their best behavior and figuring out their clusters (cliques), which I hate! I am an empath, and throughout the years encountered many women who I now know were toxic. At the time, I just knew I felt cringy around them. Partly, because I was already spreading myself too thin within my own marriage to a Narc. Exhaustion is accurate!!! These women operated @ differing levels of Narcissism~but, all were about THEIR needs. When I would express my own, or even expect to be listened to...I would get bupkis! Slowly, I backed away from every one and of course they balked and wondered what my problem was. :/ I see that through my easy going nature, willingness to pitch in on things~that I was a Narc magnet. Never again.
I am your male counterpart. Same set of circumstances. Divorced a few years now and living a much different existence. I could not continue to lie about who I am just for her sake. She wanted that new home...fake life....more than I was willing to tolerate it.
I totally relate. Narc ex, move to other state. My new neighbor next door actually told me, "you have no idea the things I do so that people will do what I want". I didn't know about narcissism then. It became a "me or them" scenario. I was surrounded by them. Finally, after many years of people pleasing, giving the benefit of the doubt, making excuses, making sure others outside did not see the truth of their ugliness, I finally chose myself. I can see looking back that the narcs were feeding on my energy, time, resources and if I didn't get out then, I was not going to have enough energy to sustain my own health. They were literally killing me.
@@istateyourname4710 exactly. Two decades is such a huge chunk of life....we have given enough. Time to rebuild. I have my own dreams. I just need time to remember what they were :)
I love that last sentence about realising you are a narc magnet and never again. That is how I live my life now, people think I am a 🤬 but the peace is just overwhelming. I never knew I could live a contented existence without constant drama and worry. It is unnerving at times but it gets easier with each day.
When I moved out at age 27, my mother called me selfish. I knew my worth, which caused my mother to further hate me, but in the workplace I encountered narcissistic bosses that reinforced my mothers abuse and I came very close to physical and mental collapse. Everyone needs a supportive person in their life, no matter how 'strong' they might see themselves. Those supportive people are now very scarce (and I'm NOT referring to enablers!)
I hope you continue to do well, I survived a narcissist mother and sister and then met a narcissist at work, it made me very ill.... best wishes for your future.
@L I agree. It’s so hard. And the few people I can talk to which won’t understand never seem to understand. I have a mother, and ex friend of 15 years and more that I see do not have my best interest. They pretend they love u and etc then start hanging around those people and the games begins. Then they love to throw it in your face. SMH the list goes on. I pray for at least 1 person who is genuine
Nice to see another person who didn't move out until age 27! As the oldest, I felt I had to stay home because my mother constantly bemoaned she didn't "know how she could possibly cope" when all her children were gone. Finally, she had made a new friend who lived in a darling little neighborhood on the beach, and thought I should live there, too. She dragged me to go visit it, and we ended up finding a perfect apartment. I only moved out with her permission! Now that I think of it, I don't think she helped me move at all and only visited me once at the very beginning. Instead, I was expected to spend every Sunday after church with her at home. Eventually I started to wake up, and came up with the idea of literally weaning her off of me. I started visiting her every other weekend, then every third weekend, etc. It worked, thank God! 5 years later I moved out of state for a graduate degree and never moved back. I spent an awful lot of money to visit on vacations and Christmas, but that was far better than actually living there.
@@franceshaggitt3104 I went through some very rough years. Don't stick around to try to make things better with a narc. Things only get worse. I had to cut out my whole family because all the non-narc ones have passed away, leaving only narcs. I also had to walk out of a job. I get lonely but it is better than abuse. I seek out the non-narcs in my new job but I never really open up to anyone. Keep God close to your heart.
Sometimes, we even say to ouselves: "What could have I been, said, done in order to avoid all that mess?". The work of acceptance implies acceptance of ourselves while living the situations with those people, and afterwards. Not knowing what was going on, not knowing what to do, reacting to the abuse don't define us, our value. It reveals our humanity, and how we were at different stages of our lifes, our evolution. That's very important to accept that in order to heal.
Yep. Reminding myself that what I could have been/done/said to avoid what already happened is irrelevant to where I am now. If i were to become who i think i could have been to change a past event, I wouldnt be doing it to improve myself and my red flags, I'd be doing it to see if the outcome would be different...essentially finding a way to take control of the blame. Which...is a bit of an eye opener. What I (and anyone in such relationships) could have been or could have done or could have said, we did do at the time it was happening, and any other "I could have" or "I should have" is determined by where and who we are now, not where we were then. So the questions now are "what did I miss then that I need to be aware of moving forward" or "what part of me needed what I was giving them so i can meet that need". That second one is the hard one, because of the in the moment decision that has to be made before it can be absorbed in it's entirety.
This is so true and people that know you think it’s 100% your fault. Yes living my best life is 100% up to me but let’s see that critical demeaning friend in my situation. How would they have done?
Yes. I often had to remind myself of your answer to that question while on the mend when I was constant being told that I was never going to be the same because of what was really going on while I didn't fully know what was going on while no one at first could believe me when showing up in an emergency room once while not being myself as usual.
I saw my adoptive father in the M. Scott Peck book, People of the Lie. In this book, he talked about evil being on a continuum and that the degree of evil directly corresponded with the person's ability to name and acknowledge truth in/ truth of their life. This motivated me to seek and commit to counseling and begin the healing journey, post divorce period, which had also been a narcissistic relationship with a pathological liar.
This is true. They cannot and will not be at home with themselves. They will not face themselves or even be able to face the truth. That is the difference. Can they face themselves when they look in the mirror? Most narcs and psychopaths can't. (They deny, deflect, and refuse)
This book blew my mind. It’s spectacular. One of the best reads of my life. He is so on point the way he describes their refusal to ever allow honesty into their lives. It’s the most logical explanation for evil I have ever seen.
I think you are right. The inability to "acknowledge truth in and around their lives." Or they spend so many years dealing with painful, corrosive truths....relationships.....they think it is the norm.
Yep this is me with my life, wondering what the heck happened as my life is so blown up in many ways. Super aware of everything now, being discerning, going deep, keeping boundaries, doing self care and figuring out what to do next. Thank you 😊
Wow! The needle entered when I was 6yrs old, I’m now 68! It’s a very old oak tree! Thanks to you Dr Ramani I’ve started to cut the tree down, and I will grind the stump! 😊
Literally, sitting here in this moment realizing my current failing relationship is just another narcissist who is using/used me to make the people around him (including his ex-wife) think he was a man of value. The flags were all there. I did see them and occasionally allowed my cognitive dissonance and empathy to override the truth of what I could see and would experience. I'm letting it go. The dream. The hope. The belief. It's all a charade. Truth is I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I'm a MUCH better person than he is. He too often fails my barometer test. Doing things I would NEVER do. Especially when it regards another's feelings, safety or sanity. I can do BETTER for me and to me by myself.
After a horrific encounter with a Covert abuser, another friend pointed out that she had just read a scripture warning to stay away from those with flattering lips. So True !
When you say 'stay away from those with 'flattering lips', do you mean those who flatter or charm you, or those who have really nice-looking lips? lol sorry, not sure what you meant.
@@brynne77 scripture means people saying what you want to hear 👂 🆚 talking words that are the truth whether you like it or not. Is not about the 'physical' appearance.
I'm JUST NOW beginning to understand why my life has been lived in complete survival mode, not trusting people, and being afraid of so many things - especially love. OMG, I pray I can overcome this as I realize the devastating effects of growing up in a narcissistic family - not of my choosing; I was adopted into that horrible family that I no longer associate with. But WOW, the damage!
Yep, makes you weep to realise you've NEVER truly been loved purely for being you, only what you can provide to others. I know that place. Having a dog as a companion fills that void somewhat. I wish you well. God bless and love to you for being you. xxx
Dr. Ramani, you truly understand narcissistic people. You described them accurately and even your selection of words were on point. Thanks for being the voice for the victims of narcissistic abuse. Victims are suppressed, robbed of their own identity and continuously struggling with finding the person who they truly are.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 that’s actually not entirely true. Karma means “action”. It’s the choices we make in the past or present. We can engage with positive intention and enact positive karma and still suffers the hands of others with negative karma.
The sad truth is that some people like that never experience any bad karma coming around back onto them so they become wiser by learning from their mistakes while being open to teachers and the great teacher/healer himself until the moment they die.
I couldn’t help belly laughing over and over at this specific comment; “OR telling you it’s all your fault, and they often have a choir of enablers singing back up.” Idk why but I envisioned my narcissist singing his praises and all his flying monkeys swarming around singing background vocals. Thank you for that much needed laugh through pain Dr Ramani!!! 😂❤️
That's my mom except as she gets older she has less and less enablers. Her own children and grandchildren don't like her. The only reason she has friends or any family that tolerates her is because she puts on a nice face for them.
Julia-you can strategize & make a different choice when you have the resources to do so. Learn these lessons well! You can have a brighter future. ❤️🌻💐
The biggest thing I hate dealing with is, how the Narcissists wants you to hate people because they do. The spreading of hate is so insidious as I've witnessed in the last 5 years from watching Political TV. It's in everyone's home as I was raised listening to the litany of hate and shame. It's hard to change that.
My mom watched the soap operas in the 70s when I was a little kid. I saw the manipulation and backstabbing every day and was disgusted by these A-holes even as a kid. She, along with millions of other young 'stay-at-home' moms also watched the I Love Lucy show. The moral of every single episode was...Lie to your husband because it's funny.
This is the part I don't understand: When a narcissist calls themselves a Christian, goes to church and thereafter has convinced many that is true while only going through the motions then all the narcissist has to do is to tell all kinds of lies about any person they want to discard so long as by all appearances they are still in right standing within the church while sometimes more and more people start to believe all of those lies. While more families in the past up until the year 1917 sometimes were being arbitrarily forced to bury a relative outside of their church burial grounds because that loved one's remains along with whomever they divorced was according to the church fathers not worthy of a Christian burial. I don't know if that sort of thing for sure could have been a factor causing the great schisms in the Christian church which happened in the year 1054 and 1378.
Wow, you just opened my eyes again! My mother used to critique my friends and approve or disapprove of them. She would get jealous of any she thought might become more popular than I was. In the 6th grade there was a new girl I liked and wanted to become friends with, but my mother heard from neighbors that the boys liked her and thought she was cute. From then on, my mother constantly pointed out to me how long her neck was, among other things. I was literally talked out of befriending her!
@@dubes5594 interesting observation! Lucy was a total narcissist, wasn't she? Ricky, Ethel, Fred always had to cater to her whims. I loved the show as a kid, but was always bothered by Lucy's antics when it came to defying Ricky and messing up his cabaret show. He would tell her no and she wouldn't listen, nor did she ever consider the consequences... narcissist! While I loved the show, I never liked Lucille Ball when she was interviewed. I bet the show was a true depiction of her narcissism.
Dr. Ramani, This proverb certainly stands true and I can’t think of a better place where than in a narcissistic relationship. I have lived it, as everyone else here has. Thank you for your wisdom, hard work, and generosity! 💖
One of the more destructive aspects of having a narcissistic parent is that the toxic dynamic is so normalized (or "rooted", if you will 😉) in our minds that we feel an odd sort of comfort in the uncomfortable familiarity of this dynamic, which then leads us to repeat it in every other area of our lives. I have been free for a little over a year and, with the help of these videos, am finally starting to wrap my head around what the HECK happened to my life. If you read this, Doc, Thank You for helping people like myself begin to understand that we really do have the right to start over and truly live for ourselves b/c life is too precious to do otherwise.
i think we can try and observe healthy people and how their family treats them to learn what is and what isn't normal behavior . for example , the idea of calling someone when u are simply stressed about something , even if that someone can't help u, but just to let it out and vent , was so strange to me , i always thought speaking of ur issues is ''too much '' and '' too needy '' .
@@kitkatt6357 That's a great observation! I grew up in a home with good parents (I'm interested in why/how people do evil things, which has led me to videos on narcissism), and experiences like being able to vent to a compassionate family member seem quite normal to me. Before now I've never really thought about how some people have a completely different "normal" 🙁 I would offer another example of a healthy family, but it's hard for me to know how our experiences differ! I'm guessing growing up your parent(s) were very critical of you? Mine were forgiving and often gave me the benefit of the doubt. They would correct bad behavior (ie. if I was rude to someone they'd explain why I'd need to apologize, or if I lied I might be grounded for a few days depending on the severity) but would be completely accepting of things that were mistakes (ie. breaking a plate or forgetting something at school). I also had the impression that they almost expected me to mess up occasionally, because I was growing up and learning, and everyone makes mistakes or bad decisions from time to time. They didn't make me feel like a bad person when I did something wrong, but rather someone who needs to learn to do the right thing. Hopefully that makes sense 😅 As I've grown up myself I've slowly realized my parents are not perfect either 😛 Good people, but I don't always agree with them. But they treated my sister and I with grace as we grew up so we naturally extend that same grace to other people, including them.
@@marzipanmango first of all i really appreciate u taking the time to search on narcissism and sharing your perspective , it helps more than u can imagine !! :) for me if i would complain about pain or any problem , even things completely out of my control , my experience would get minimized , and or i would be told it's my fault i experience pain , i must have caused it to myself , or told others have bigger pain so i shouldn't even mention mine , or they would be totally disinterested ecc.. the list of ways they would humiliate me for simply wanting to vent goes on ... When it comes to making mistake , well it never matters what i do , it's always wrong . For example , when i was really young ,i used to get good grades without studying , my mom would criticize me and say if i studied i would get better grades . when i grew a bit more , i started dedicating most of my time to study , so ofc she would criticize me and say what am i studying for ? it's all useless at the end , i should sit back and relax . My mom even criticized me if am breathing too hard (i was in pain so it was hard to breath) and accuse me if being passive aggressive for it (talk about walking on egg shells lol ) or they might criticize me for something , but if u catch them doing it the same exact way , they will make excuses and NEVER EVER admit they made a mistake . it could be the most simple meaningless thing , but they would never admit wrong or say sorry . And yes u are right , no one is perfect at all , trying to honestly learn from mistakes and change is what makes the difference between a good and a bad person .
@@kitkatt6357 Funny you should use that example, because it is something that I recently gave a try. My friend was just being a kind and understanding friend, but the effect was much more profound than she realized because of what the experience taught me overall. Being used to unhealthy people and relationships has left me with few of these "good examples" to observe, but now I am much more aware of this as I move forward and search for new friends. I am still always cautious of crossing people's boundaries with TMI, but at least I know that I can reach out if needed. Also, the way that you describe having your problems minimized or gaslighted as a child is very familiar. While it's painful to think of how many of us grew up with this experience, there is some comfort in knowing, now, that we are not completely isolated and misunderstood by everyone. I wish you all the best in your healing.
@@theStarryNYT wow all u said is super relatable !! and indeed beautiful words ! we aren't so alone after all ! thank u so much and wish u the best as well :)
When you said they may find you agreeable that hit home. He literally said what he liked about me was that I was so agreeable. It should have been a red flag but I didn’t see it then. It’s been 2 years since no contact and I don’t watch your videos as much as I used to because I’m healing. But the education has been a lifesaver, thank you. ❤️
“The wreckage of my life”, that’s the statement that summed up my life when I left the narcissist. Total wreckage. Empty, lost, confused, disconnected, deep sadness. I didn’t even have enough to feel anger. I couldn’t feel how I should have been feeling. My life before me was in complete ruins. And I blamed myself for all of it. I literally couldn’t believe I was even still alive. I felt certain my husband, the narcissist, wanted me dead. I’m now thirteen years ahead of that epically disastrous divorce, and I feel almost healed enough to call myself healed. But not quite. I’m left with CPTSD, anxiety that remains with me, and likely always will to some degree. But I’m happy, physically healthy and mentally healthy. And I’m grateful for all the help I received along the way from professionals to family and friends. That all happened once I decided that my life had to matter, for my kids and for myself. I matter. Still. Thank you for this video - it reminded me that I still matter and how my kids see me matters, still. 😁
Thats like the charred remains of a house blaming itself for the work of an arsonist. Youre a champion for having survived and escaped, celebrate your freedom by doing something nice for yourself as often as you can.
@@deanayer3822 thank you for that! I hadn’t always felt like a champion but encouraging comments like this remind me how strong I was even though I didn’t feel I was. ☺️
I am so surrounded by the entire in-law family, partner, mother, sisters, aunt, and cousins. it’s like a narcissist bloodbath. Thank you so much. Everything you say is so true.
That's why they drag you on to their patch ..... because often families operate in gangs and lock you into the situation further. May God bless and protect you. xxx
Same situation here, but I cut the narcissists off. The enablers have finally seen the light, as their true colors finally came to the surface and they became the victims.
Oh, this is spot on! - I like the black mold analogy - mold is disgusting and black mold is actually toxic to health and can cause alergic-immune related problems; the mold can spread in the wall with only some signs showing that it is there, but in the end it damages the adhesion of the wall surface to the wall base (brick or concrete wall) and in the end the wall surface falls of the wall base completely destroying the surface.
I feel like other people don't get the best of me anymore and that I don't have the capacity for friends and people that I used to. My health and my work have also suffered so much. I feel like my life force is being drained away.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I was the good kid, the nice kid; with a gigantic bullseye somewhere on me. I've wondered whether I was made "good" and "nice" by the incessant bullying from my narcissists. I wonder who would I have been had it not been for the narcissists.
@@cymbolichuman433 my walls are up so high...... I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again. The tiniest lie (even about something irrelevant) will have me turning my back & shutting down further communication!!!
Chances are he did you a big favor by deserting you to run off with someone else instead of making you pay for tying him down with children while later all he wants to do is to be acquiring himself yet another wifey to add to his collection of maybe instead booty calls too.
My husband’s and my relationship is so toxic, he was gone for 2 weeks, and my life was so peaceful, such a nice flow, orderly, so happy, no more of his stupid drama, little hurt snipes, not cleaning up his chaos, messes he makes, not cleaning up himself. He even tried to ruin my life while in the hospital, call with his drama, ( I have learned) not answer the phone.
You spoke to me today for sure. Even when I think I found a friend that is not a narcissist I soon find that the relationship is one-sided. I am getting better but still have a ways to go.
Dr Ramani this has got be the best one of your Videos (I think) on the impact a Narcissist has on our lives. Evil is what is most certainly is. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I appreciate so much. 🙏
I had a narcissistic mother and the experiences I missed out on in life because of constantly being off-balance, shell-shocked, and severely depressed in childhood and adolescence are staggering...just too overwhelming to comfortably contemplate.
I know what it's like as I had a Mum like that but one strategy may be to list all you feel you missed out on and even at a later stage in life try to accomplish as much as is possible, tho I realise you can't go back and have those stretching teenage years, cross them off one at a time.
I always wondered how people got so much more done than we did... but they didn't have to work around the chias, the "conversations," the transactions, the tantrums, the control, and on and on. Thanks Dr.Ramani, I'm leaving a 30 year relationship (23 years married). I'm 52 and I move out next week. I didn't understand what was happening in our relationship and why it happened over and over until I listened to you. I have 30 years to unpack.... the hurt, the emotional abuse .. and just enough good times to make me question my sanity.
I needed to hear this today. I saw my ex recently for the first time since I went no contact. It really destabilized my resolve. And there wasn't even any conversation. It's been over a year and that trauma bond is so strong. Still a struggle to build a better life. Ugh.
I’m at 2.5 years and it still requires daily adjusting. I work hard to be unattached. I have to adjust my thoughts to line up with truth. I see improvement and sometimes shifts are obvious. Remember the facts. They don’t care. Let the facts and logic win. Fake it until you make it. Stay strong. Blessings
My "best friend" I've known since junior high, never calls to see how I'm doing. She holds grudges, and has given me the silent treatment for not meeting her expectations. She doesn't value my loyalty. Her BPD has gotten worse since realizing It's a cluster B disorder. Now she denies she has it. My NPD Mom hates to see me happy. Five minutes around her is five minutes too long. My narcissistic Dad is a coward and a fool. Everything is everyone else's fault with these miserable creatures. No sense of self = no accountability. I have empathy for how they became narcissists, but refuse to make excuses for their abusive behaviors.
This absolutely TRUE! It takes a mighty unsettling effort to uproot that poisonous kind of oak tree. But it feels so amazing to feel like a normal person again 😌 . Thanks again Dr. Ramani, your videos and group and this community have been like the constant drop of water falling on the rock, it eventually started making a dent and slowly carved cracks so I broke out of the toxic mental and psychological wreckage that I had become 🙃. At 60 plus I'm vibrant and excited about life, feeling young, calm, and balanced ...normal! Thanks God for this miracle 🙏
Dear Dr Ramani Am an Ethiopian and I’m really happy to know you and your lessons. Really I can’t tell you how much I get a great relief from a painful legacy due to my wife destructive nartisstic behavior. I wish I could have known this lesson a years back. I am living here in my country Ethiopia.Am following your lessons because they have helped me to make tremendous progress in my relationship with her. Imagine how I suffered for more than 15 years of marriage life. I really thank you very much may God bless all your life.I pray for you to have long blessing life .I will be very glad if your lessons can be reachable to most Ethiopians.
This proverb makes perfect sense. She came in, seemed very loving and charming at first, then she ultimately isolated me from my friends, forced me to give up my social life and career and because I didn't see it at first, it eventually spread and my life became a nightmare.
The narcissist is the embodiment of evil. Their neglect, selfishness, and lack of empathy can suck your soul dry. You are then left this empty hollow shell of a human driven only by serving the narcissist needs. I use to just stare in space for hours trying to escape and shut down because I was absolutely exhausted by life. I felt trapped. I couldn't make someone be what I needed but I loved what was killing me. Eventually the insanity of it all forced me to get off the ride. I left for myself. I put my mental and physical health first and haven't looked back. Knowing how the narcissist has made no changes and immediately entered into another relationship let's me know without a doubt I made the right choice. My only regret is that I stayed too long and wasted so much on them.
So Completely TRUE This is my life The chaos is palpable The crazy making is intense I started to stutter any time I am near him I don’t know how I will make it out Life is unfair My joy is stolen
I started stuttering too, awful hand shakes and anxiety. These people can be poison. Getting it out of your life hurts tremendously but its for the best.
I can totally identify with the widespread effects of a narcissistic relationship. Not for the first time Dr Ramani, you give me such understanding of my own story and a sense of validation . To then read all these wonderful comments and realise yet again that I'm not alone is a total turnaround from believing it was all my fault and that no one would understand. Thank you to everyone.
I used to be in a narcissistic relationship. I was so consumed with it. I procrastinated all my finances. I was so distracted from paying all my bills. Trying to buy his love and surprise bills I had a plumbing bill that was all cuz he flushed something down the toilet accidentally. They destroy your home your vehicles . So irresponsible. So glad I got away and back on track to building credit!
good one...I see this in my friends life...(56 married 25 years w/2 kids now adults) from her parents to her ex husband to her kids that the narc brainwashed against her. I sent it to her this morning and hope she starts to understand "what the hell just happened?" I'm amazed just how much victims are in denial of being surrounded by narcs from all sides.
Dr Ramani the way you articulate these intricate processes and effects of dealing with a person with Npd always astounds me. ❤ what you've done for the community thank you.
Narcissist rarely ever apologize, even if they do its disingenuous. That is a huge red flag for non sociopaths to look out for. If you also gave to deal with big temper tantrums ... RUN!
This video Dr. Ramini ✔... Thanks for your insight. "Be of aware of who is around you, trust your instincts, & don't just write this off as a difficult relationship. It's a dropped match that becomes a wildfire". So profound & helpful! Thank you! 💌
No joke, I’m really struggling to write my MA thesis because there’s so much narcissistic chaos and instability in my life, so I can’t think clearly. Of course, my narcissistic family doesn’t understand that and is instead angry at me for not finishing my degree very quickly. They never went to uni but love telling people that their kids do. So you better hurry up so they can brag with your achievement. And who knows what will happen afterwards. They don’t want me to move out so they can control my life. And without having a huge fight, I can’t get out of here anyway.
As soon as the money starts coming, rent a small room somewhere and begin building your credit. You will have peace in your own home and you can visit the parents when you feel lonely or reinforce your decisions and observations.
Once you have steady income, it might work to quietly rent a studio apartment somewhere (or even a dorm-style room with a shared bathroom, just something inexpensive with a locking door), and then slooowly sneak out items you need. I mean heck, maybe a low-cost storage facility could be good in the meantime for the slow-sneaking-out of your most important items, to help you prepare. If you can secure your passport and ID (and hopefully birth certificate and Social Security card, if applicable) as soon as possible and put them in an undisclosed bank safe deposit box, that would be ideal. And even if they hold onto some of your documents, when you have your own address to receive mail, you can get the rest replaced. You can rebuild your life as long as you have your documents, even if you have to abandon everything else. But yeah, undisclosed apartment to quietly sneak your most valuable and irreplaceable possessions to could be a way to "move out" without the sudden drama of an announcement and move-out day. Once you have enough in your new place to get through day-to-day life and/or when all your valuables are out, just go out to work/school one day and never come home. That's my 2 cents and it could be totally inapplicable to your situation, so please keep or throw any part of it. I know really often there are multiple factors that keep your life entangled with narcissistic family members, not least of which is health insurance. Wishing you all the best!
They don't want you to grow, they don't want you to prosper, they don't want you to succeed. They might tell different but that's their game. They want you to fail in order to become what they are: failures. They sabotage you so they can feel good about it themselves,. You're trapped and nothing is gonna chance for the good. Never. Find yourself a place and only then you can start building your own life and become a happy and prospering person. Narcs don't love you, they enjoy you failing, they want to keep you around as narcissistic supply. That all you are in the eyes of a narc. You're not a beloved child, not even when they tell you you are. It's not me saying it, it's what we all have experienced. I mean those with narcissistic parents. It's sad but very true. Take my word for it. Leave as soon as you can.
I was very moved by your posting because it was so reminiscent of mine before I escaped. I was in 12 Step groups for codependency, which is where my new friends/supporters came from, and where I received help in my escape. First and foremost, please keep your plans to yourself. Consider renting a postal mail box (no address listed for mail) and notify those businesses who send you mail of the change of address. I set up my own account at a credit union (our accounts were elsewhere) for myself as only $25 😂was needed to join. Consider setting up a separate email address just for safe people to use. Expect them to try tracking you down through your friends, social media, appealing to them about your “mental health” problems and needing to reach out to you. Try to change everything from your hair dresser to your doctors because they’ll try everything to find you. For now, use the resources available at your school. They can help with part time employment at college, tutoring, and best of all, counseling services. Consider this rescuing the 8:58 little girl who has been so hurt by people she trusted. You CAN save her. I’ll be praying for determination and courage. I lost almost everything but found myself. It was worth everything to be alive and happy.
Ok Dr.Ramini this video was specifically me🤦🏽♀️It was like listening to my life being narrated. Thank you for all you do 💜 and let's not forget your team🤟🏾 Thank you ALL🤟🏾🤟🏾
Letting go of rumination has been so hard. I get stuck on how no justice was done, but the fact is i can transcend all the obstacles the narcs put in my way if i can wrest my thoughts back from ruminating on the abuse
Dr. Ramani did a vid on justice (and struggling with it) too. It was of great help to me. I looked it up for you: th-cam.com/video/B6LzDnJ6ziM/w-d-xo.html
I began to understand this, in short order. While my mother’s behavior had been on an increasing decline for years, the week I got the job I now have, it plummeted. While I do feel there were secondary issues that she let get out of control, it was her basic behavior that initially caused them. At the same time, it felt clear to me that both my mother and my sister wanted me to put my job as the last priority and I was asked by my boss, if I was still interested in the position, because everything was unraveling so quickly and I was also just at the start of learning about narcissistic abuse. Add to it that, when you’re the only one that sees that it’s more than “Mom needs your help and you’re just doing nothing!” when helping her was what you originally and lovingly intended, there’s sooo much dissonance there. But it was the self sabotage and the attempts to sabotage me, without the acceptance of help from a neurologist and/or psychotherapist, that clenched it for me. We all have problems and we all become ill, at some point in our lives. But, when the goal seems to be to intensify and manufacture problems, which include turning predatory, I’m out. Being engaged with these types of people will anchor you to the ground, if not entirely end you. If you aren’t wise or don’t get wise to it early on and learn to pickup on red flags and patterns, you’ll be enmeshed, obligated and abused before you know it.
The good news is that since the year 1917 at least that sort of thing isn't going to mean if they do anchor us to the ground well at least then our relatives won't have the added problem of having to carry out the alternative funeral arrangements for divorcees. Since that year us divorcees now have more career options in the church too so long as we are continuing to grow as a Christian. Which could come in handy while not being able to find decent paid work including for room and board anywhere else.
Your comment is the closest I’ve come to understanding what my mother did to me when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She actually expected me to quit my job to take care of him. At the same time my 29 YO son was undergoing surgery and treatment for cancer. I was running in circles trying to care for both of them and fortunately my employer was understanding. I wish I had known about narcissism 14 years ago. All I knew my mother was sucking the life out of me and beating me down. Your comments are much more eloquent but the end result is exactly what you state - enmeshed and sabotaged.
@@TWILLIE639 well, I’m not interested in eloquence. I’m interested in any and everyone who needs to, knowing that there are so many similar situations. Many are with people we fall in love with or befriend. But, many are also with family of origin. It is a super painful situation. For me, now that my mother has passed, as much of a flying monkey as my sister is, I also know she’s in pain, because she simply feels I abandoned her and our mother. The reality is that there was abuse that I wouldn’t tolerate and I was the odd person out, in trying to get our mother’s diabetes and mental issues taken care of and not almost entirely ignored, by her simply visiting a podiatrist. Although I can’t continue to ruminate about what could’ve been, I assume my mother’s life ended prematurely, because of the lack of care, although I’m well aware that her NPD would’ve never likely been cured. I’m so sorry to hear you going through this. What we think of as “family” is the antithesis of what happens in a narcissistic family. As I continue a legal battle, not to take anything from my sister, but to enable us to go out separate ways legally, it is obvious that this pain goes on, long after the death of the narcissist, leaving turmoil in its wake. The only positive thing in my family, is that it will surely come to an end, as we are the last and final generation.
@@TWILLIE639 although financial abuse is often talked about, where narcissists are concerned, to elaborate on it a bit, just WTH is a person going to do without an income! They not only lose their income, their independence, autonomy, perhaps any access to UI, their health insurance and their ability to retire. Narcissists want you to be an embarrassment to yourself and to destroy you from the inside out. All the easier and better, when you lose the ability to support yourself, even if you’ve given up your livelihood - for them and at their request or through their encouragement. They will, then, tell you that they don’t know what you’re talking about. That you have no evidence of them needing anything from you and why would they? Look at you now. You’ve always been headed for being a bum. Get off the property. I believe that, as my mother was switching me from golden child to scapegoat and giving my sister the early inheritance of a free house, both her and my sister wanted to unseat me from a great job opportunity. For them, this would also change the narrative of my life, making it “appear” as if my sister had always been the more successful one, when she actually hadn’t. I might’ve become a bum or died - exactly the picture they wanted. Exactly what they hoped for me. So, whenever I’ve wondered if I wasn’t being empathetic enough or mourned my mother enough, I consider what she had in store for me. And one of the things that has my sister losing her mind right now, whether she realizes it or not and whether she takes any responsibility or not, is that she feels I’m coming for my share and am not under her control to destroy, because mom didn’t leave everything in order for her.
@@privateprivate8366 such a coincidence that my mom has diabetes too (and mental illness and not just dementia) that I’ve worked hard to care for by endocrinologist. My brother would never cooperate with having her evaluated by neuropsyche. Now he has completely isolated her from private doctors by turning her care over to personal care home’s in-house quack. I am obstructed from taking her off the property even though I know she’s getting poor care. It’s a given she will die from lack of care/negligence. He has already positioned himself to make off with her paltry sum of money by being joint on her account rather than place her in nursing home for appropriate care. And you are absolutely right - when I’ve ever mentioned to my mom the times I’ve bailed her out, paid her expenses out of my pocket she tells me “I didn’t ask you to.”
Just recently found your channel and I recognize myself and my ex-husband in every single video you shared. It's as if you were peeking in my windows all those years, and describing exactly what was going on. And getting out of that relationship was full of additional landmines, but once I stopped dealing with him directly and let my attorney handle all correspondence, he knew he lost control. He gave in and signed the papers. And I'm happier now than I have been in YEARS.
Boy. I have learned that NOT trusting one’s instincts and little voices in your head is forever top of my list to give me warning signals. It is only 12 days that I closed the door on the last narcissist in my life. It is like a breeze is in the air with clean cool air. The heavy rock is out of my solar plexus. I will be a guardian to listen and watch those people who are not kind and self centered. I will be polite and say no thank you. I do not need or want your help or friendship or compliments. Finally at 74 I got it. Growing up with a narcissist mother and sibling I never learned what true boundaries are. And first of all….. once I was honest with myself and accepted reality I could start the change and healing. Thank you Dr Ramani. Thank you. I have spent hundreds of dollars to understand the deep sadness and disconnectedness in my soul. I ok now. I know and see and hear what is good and what is bad.
Love you Dr Ramani Your advice is so true and amazing to what we are going thru. Thank you so mych much for your videos . You are a blessing from above for all people who struggle with narcissist. God bless you 🙏❤️
So spot on that it hurts. In the last two years with my abuser (covert narcissistic ex best friend with psychopathic or at least sociopathic tendencies) I was barely able to function. I've neglected my life in its entirety. My relationship, my job, my hobbies. Nothing brought me joy anymore and I could feel myself burning out. I've spent all of my energy in attempts to fix everything that was going on between me and him. He said that I caused the chaos. That I was the problem, being crazy, toxic and volatile (reactions to his bs and trying to get out/cut ties), that I was controlling (asking for decent behavior and effort) and that it was my fault that things never worked out because I couldn't read his mind. He was in my head when I woke up and when I fell asleep, only to wake before sunrise and stare at the ceiling and then crash 30 minutes before the alarm goes off. I remember how he once mentioned a specific thing that he had noticed about me around the time we met. Later he described his current target/supply with the same exact words. That's when I finally, after endless months of repeating altercations, realized that he had "chosen" me (and why) and that I was no longer useful to him.
I’ve been in trauma therapy for 7 years for an unrelated (but related trauma) and just gained complete clarity of how my life started at pure empathy, a selfless heart, incapable of harming anyone to mentally broken 35 years later. I was trauma bonded to my big brother (by 3yrs) from the age of 4. He is a covert and malignant narcissist who physically and emotionally abused me until age 8 at which point he learned how to triangulate my parents and any friends I had. When I turned 12 he started a crazy making campaign to get me to commit suicide and it lasted 4 years. The cycle was always the same. Neglect, covert love bombing and manipulating me into saying something bad about someone else, my mom or his flying monkey that I always saw as my best friend, then triangulate the other person, chaos would ensue, I would end up demonized because he would hop in at the last minute as a peacemaker and covert demonizer, I would try to avoid him while being grounded, confused, helpless, etc then he would start baiting me, as soon as he got a reaction he would begin the gaslighting “why are you acting so crazy, mom is so sick of your problems, you should just to kill yourself, or at least run away… this ended one cycle. The abuse lasted 36 years and the tactics he used were every single one you can list. I just realized last week he was really trying to get me to commit suicide and drive me insane. It was just us two siblings and my mom is trauma bonded to him then my enabling dad. I was the scapegoat and the truth teller. He hated me from the moment I was born and I couldn’t do anything except love him. Even now I can’t find it in me to hate him. He ruined my life and almost got my son taken away from me when I was 36. That was my last straw but it still took 6 more years, last week to open my mind to what I actually endured. I’m journaling it right now so I never forget again. And so I can process what happened to me. I will say that my mind is a fortress now, even before the fog completely lifted. It became a fortress the second I learned how to love myself and see my worth. I’m still in an incredible amount of pain right now knowing that my big brother, who I loved and looked up to even though he never felt the same, actively tried to get me to Kill myself for decades. The more memories that I’m unlocking, the more heartbreaking. And still I find myself feeling sad for him. That he will never find true happiness or love. Right now I think the only thing that’s saving me is my incredible emotional intelligence and forgiving heart.
I got out of my toxic relationship after I had a God revelation. "Look what he is doing to you!" That was the beginning of the end. When I told him it was over, he said, OK. He didn't even care!!
Every area of my life has been affected by toxic relationships and my inability to get out of them sooner than I did. Thank you for your work, Dr. Ramani, it's helpful and healing.
Childhood. Degraded if you wanted something they did value. Told your dreams didn’t matter. Told you were the "bad seed" and that pthe world hates "people like you". You were an evil abuser. At 6 year old I remember withdrawing into my own world. It had probably been going on earlier. In my baby book it said "Today she said: You hurt my feelings. I am going to hurt more than her feelings."
Thank you so much for helping me understand my relationships and the effects on my life in a way I have not found in person therapists to grasp at all. One therapist this person in your life sounds narcissistic, but that was it. I've been studying this topic for 20 years and your content pulls it all together and tells the more obscured stuff too; all the angles. You should know you are changing lives for us and those around us!
Here, here Total agreement, thank you Dr R. You've got the right measures of what authentic goodness means and you don't suffer fools, can only imagine the level of spiritual warfare you take for continuing to expose these diabolical demons👍❤🙏🙌
You describe having a narcissitic-parented childhood and its effects very well. Example: My extended family, who would not aknowledge how bad my mother was because they knew it but didn't want the responsibility of facing how bad things were for my immediate family, just like to say about me that I'm a "late bloomer" and one has gone to criticizing me as being "aimless." But the truth is, I had big hopes and dreams, and I am stuck, as a therapist once said, at about age 15 where "finding myself" and moving forward is concerned. I have multiple degress including post-graduate because I am multi-talented, but I have never felt I was able to focus on a vocation, I never felt worthy, my brain was always taken up with having to care for my narc mother. She almost ruined my college career by claiming she had only a year left to live while I was in college and making me come home and care for her (she lasted nearly 20 more years). I was expected to care for her through my 20s and 30s, when I should have been launching a career and focusing on my goals, and I did care for her. Being the empathetic one, I was my mother's target for her narc abuse, but the roots of the tree of narcissim even reached my sister, who was left out of the abuse. My sister has had much wasted potential as I, except possibly more because she was considered "exceptionally gifted" and won many awards and scholarships to top schools (awards I'd rather not say what and how celebrated she was so as not to ID her). However, even though she was not the one who was tasked with caring for our mother and was allowed to go to college with no strings attached, she never came close to reaching her potential, she is wayyy underemployed, and she married a narc, and there is so much wasted potential there and she is so unhappy. She, unfortunately doesn't have a good understanding of how badly she was hurt, because she wasn't hurt as directly as I was, and because of that she blames herself for being a failure. I know how badly I was hurt, but so much time has been wasted now, and the years of my youth when it was easier to pursue ones dreams have long since passed for both my sister and I. That proverb is so apt.
Dr. Ramani, I wanted to thank you so much for helping me to identify my narcissistic partner's abusive conducts. Because he is a covert narcissist, I was often left in a confusing and hurting stage. Thanks for your advice. I was able to go no contact and ended a 10 year relationship with him. The break-up was messy and I had to ask the court for an injunction to stop his pursue and harassment. Thank you for saving my soul. You gave me the courage to climb out of the black hole I was once in.
Thank you so much for this video, the timing was perfect. I have someone in my life who angers and frustrates me immensely. Just a day ago he did something and the anger rose again. I have been arguing in my head asking myself do I love this person and I'm just talking myself out of it because of my own insecurities about relationships?? My head knows with absolute certainty that this person is bad for me and my mental health yet I do care about him (like I do with many people who have battled with mental health issues). After watching this and another video you did "8x patterns of trauma bonding" I had an aha moment. I realised it isn't love, it's trauma bonding. When you're someone who was raised in a toxic house and have had toxic relationships, love and trauma bonds feel like the same thing. If it wasn't for your videos I wouldn't have recognized this and would have continued to ruminate over this person. Thank you again, your work is immeasurable and saved me from falling into the trap of having another Narcissist in my life.
Dr Ramani, I absolutely love your work and your videos are so inspiring. You helped me a couple of years ago to leave the narcissist. If it wasn't for you I may not have got out of the relationship as soon as I did. Thank you ❤️
Love how this is putting focus on accountability, on the narc persons (and their choices) themselves, instead of covering the core of the problem with some abstract philosophy or excuses.
Thank you as always for your videos. Even though i got the courage to leave my narcissistic partner and move back to my home country, I still love and miss her, and i don't hate her in any way. I still see her as human, i see her inner child hurting.. But she wouldn't let me in, and chose to abuse instead. I hope I will heal and learn to live again. I didn't deserve the treatment.
The bible says "above all the heart is deceitful, who can know it" its OK to love her and also acknowledge she's not good for you... its OK to choose life. Its OK 🙏
I've escaped one narcissistic situation only to find out I'm in another. Escape a partner only to be stuck in a job where the company is narcissistic. They punish you for attempting to preserve your well being. I'm exhausted and people tend to tell you that you should've 'behaved'. ugh! I wonder if any place is simply normal!
That’s so true! It’s been a long life of hell since I’ve never had the time to take stock of my life!!! There’s so much I’ve been through it’s exhausting & actually took my life!!! The last 32 1/2 years have been a LIVING HELL!!!!!! Not being able to have the time with my children, myself in having a career in the last years of my life! DESTRUCTIVE EVIL PEOPLE!!!!!!
You explain things oh so well! I swear it is the power of the Lord Jesus who sustains me and keeps me sane as I navigate a new future and heal, finally becoming the person HE intended me to be, not what others have tried to insist I become. Thank You Dr Ramani ❤
You saved me doc. 2 years to totally leave her and the battle of my life to see my children but it is better to die with a pure soul than live with a black one.
Yes, this was my life for 3 years + with him. His texts still derail me. My relationship with my children suffered when I was with him, I was so distracted and distraught. I grew up with a borderline mother and a narcissist stepdad so the up and down insanity was my familiar. It's difficult though because you know they are the way they are because of trauma or neglect of their own. His father is a narcissist alcoholic and was emotionally absent at critical developmental times. It's all so very heartbreaking.
In my early 20s i was surrounded by narcissist’s my friends,family and partner at the time you are so right you have to be careful who you surround yourself with it can be so damaging i heal by listening to your video’s.Being in a narcissistic relationship is like your life is never in control I feel like i was spiralling in a circle of mayhem .
I definitely would compare narcissists to a highly toxic mildew or algal bloom. It describes them perfectly. Plus, it's hard to get rid of them, so I'd also describe them as lice. Great video, as always.
So many good analogies. A friend of mine refers to them as sharks. As soon as they smell blood in the water ( a hurting, weak or vulnerable person), they all come circling to attack you. They always need a victim, and sometimes it’s another narc family member even. They will team up against their own and switch sides to suit their needs. No loyalty, they are monsters.
My older sister is a malignant narcissist. When around her I felt shaken, unsafe. She never comes across as genuine; she certainly isn't to be trusted.. You know she's been smearing you to family and others. I honestly think evil brews within her after witnessing her behavior. The cruel things she says, does wouldn't even cross a stable person's mind. I walked away a year and a half ago and I'm never going back to that Hell. Just the thought of her makes me terribly nauseous.
Yeah my sister has my daughter but I pray God keeps her safe and send her home to me exactly at the right time. Ive had a narsisist in my life the last 5 months. He does not give in on me. Ive told him that we shouldnt be together but he wants to continue with me, we were going to spain together but I just wanna get rid of him. I dont think he is that handsome anymore I also think he is cheating but I dont know exactly… My twinflame is sending me alot of love so I think he wants me to cut him off. Its like my TF makes me stronger. I send him love back. But I havent seen him in 3,5 years soon.
Excellent proverb! So on point, and Black Mold, yes. Mine was my mother, my son, the gf my son as NPD forced in on us despite the issues/concerns I raised over the years I had known her. Looking back and accepting this was his lack of respect for us, I see he just did not care about the hell he was creating in our home. Got them out. Thank you.
When your vibration is raised you can go through, in other words when you see what you are dealing with, meaning you’re not making those excuses and you bust them out every time that demonic spirit tries to raise its head. My journey has been a roller coaster but now I am in control, I’m not saying that all is going to be easy but knowing what to expect I have put on my armor. This is not dealing with the flesh but with an evil spirit that they have allowed itself to attach to them, just so happens to be someone that you love.
Thank you, as always hitting the nail right on the head!!! Perfectly put in ways that people can understand and/or situations that we have Definitely been in!
Dr. Ramani, you nailed my last narcissistic relationship...its been 562 days of strict no contact. I've never suffered so much damage from a relationship as my last. Thank you for providing guidance, a real understanding, and hope that we can overcome this type of evil.
I was married for 20 years and have been frr almost 4 years. We never had your important research when I was younger. You deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Keep bringing the light ❤
It is a spiritual war. Stay in the light and reject the darkness of narckness
I firmly believe that narcissists, like my late mother, have a literal energy field around them that is disturbing. Even if she wasn't doing anything disruptive I found it hard to think clearly when I was within 6 feet of her.
I found that with ex. There was a horrible energy where ever he was. I couldn't feel peace with his presence.
oh boy
I can relate to this quite well. When my narc father is nearby, I prefer to stop doing whatever I'm doing -until he goes away and I can feel safer and more relaxed.
For if I continue to do things when he's nearby, I have a tendency to break things or drop things because I feel so horrendously anxious when he is around.
My mother also had anxiety issues and lots of extreme emotional reactions. I often wonder if I was traumatized by all the energy and all those chemicals even before I left the womb.
Totally relate to that !
🙏🏻 praying for all of us who have had everything stolen from us under the guise of love.
That is the true evil
Well said thank you
Thank you so much!
Gotta agree and thank you, brilliant!
How well said! If our emotional scars would be physically manifested, we would have looked like people with 3rd degree burns scars.
Thank you.🙏
Evil will always spread through those who have a lack of empathy.
That’s true 😭
Absolutely true💯💯💯
Congratulations on overcoming narcissistic abuse!
Love your content. Keep up the great work.
Yes. I would say that lack of integrity and authenticity is the real root of evil in a connection/relationship.
If there is integrity and truthfulness, even if the person is somehow self-centered, empathy and mutuality will emerge, one way or another.
I believe that the main characteristic of NDPs is lack of integrity not lack of empathy.
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat". That is exactly how it is until you choose to get out of the narcissistic shower.
I always say "Don't swim in narc infested water!"
I can relate to this quite well. When my narc father is nearby, I prefer to stop doing whatever I'm doing -until he goes away and I can feel more relaxed.
For if I continue to do things when he's nearby, I have a tendency to break things or drop things because I feel so horrendously anxious when he is around.
brain"wash"ing
And by narcissistic SHOWER I'm guessing you're referring to the myclobutanil sprayed marijuana?... ☺️ Now with up to 1/5th the lethal dose for humans! That's 130PPM of hydrogen cyanide! 🧩
All lies and a for profit jealousy abuse scam anonymous didn’t get picked retaliation rapists fraud
I’m actively grieving all of the losses I’ve experienced due to narcissistic relationships. 😢
Oh yes, Linda. The grieving for me goes in cycles. I'm good for a few months and then another loss is experienced. Grieving is healthy. Better than stuffing it all down, which is what we do to survive while living with the N. 34+ years with one. Out almost 4, but still healing. Best to you.
@@gailrosenberg8754 it's the same for me, I cope a little better after 30+ years of abuse. Wishing you good health and happiness Gail.
@@Al........ Thank you Al. It's a journey, one day at a time. The bible tells us to cast our cares on Him (Jesus) because He cares for us. And that is what I endeavor to do.
It is hard to understand how a person who professes to love you is truly unable to live out that love in a real way. Words versus actions. So hard to wrap the mind around. Hope you find real love.
It will get better for you. Been there lived through it. You can now take what was meant for bad and apply it to self betterment/ self reflection. Meaning: you are a stronger wiser person having gone through the fire. We are victors not victims. Again, I can relate and it does get better once they are gone. Be patient and loving to yourself.
Karma is real and happens. Seen it, we need do nothing they are their own worst enemy. Remember, they have to live with themselves every day and the lies they live and spread.
Yes me too. 11 years of my life. I just got out and even though I feel releaved and grateful that I figured out what was going on ( thanks to all of you ), I am experiencing a grieving period too. When my mother died and I was grieving her, my period stopped for exactly 1 year. I went to the doctor, they did hormone tests and all kind of other tests and they said that there is nothing wrong with me physically. After 1 year my period came back and I am better about loosing my mother.
The same thing happened after getting rid of the narcissist. It was 4 Month ago and I’m not having my period but I know that everything will be better. Grieving is a natural state, we just have to wait it out, we will be fine! Maybe we lost previous years but we are not dead yet, we are alive and much more! We are coming back!
Remember, you ARE stronger than they are.
Hell yeah it’s mental game ❤
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 Indeed it is, and as tough as they want to appear, mentally they are not even close.❤️back at ya.
The thing is you're not dealing with the person, you're dealing with the devil working through them. "We war not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities of the darkness, in high places."
Submit to God, resist the devil (working through the narcissist), and he will flee from you. GO NO CONTACT.
This is the best description of a narcissistic relationship that I've ever heard. The evil takes root before you even realize.
I’m a smart woman have been through a lot in life and totally blinded me
While in a narcissistic relationship, I considered taking my life. Once I left, the onslaught of flying monkey attacks, coupled with her legal aggressiveness, didn't leave much of me left, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. It takes years to recover from high-control relationships.
Sure does, thank God we have the 'blue sky' thinking capacity to see joy in the small things. They are a stagnant muddy puddle! Season upon season we gain knowledge and grow, we learn to have compassion on ourselves and heal on the overflow. Soon the right, healthy-and-perfectly-imperfect people will begin to find each other to heal and build community like this one 😊🙏
Take care, 🥰I have been in that place and of course I was always seen as the problem by him and all the enablers and "flying monkeys" in his family., including his v elderly mother who I have realised is def a v skilled covert narcissist.
You can do it. Give your kids plenty of love and CONVERSATION. Also don't underestimate the power of physical touch. It really living and healing. Take it from a child that was NEVER TOUCHED. My mother never even held my hand or kissed me. These are the ways you will win your children. Especially if she doesn't do these things. YOU CAN WIN THIS GAME IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP!! 👍👍
I know the feeling of feeling hopeless and nothing is ever stable in your life , one minute things feel okay then you notice that it’s all gone strange and you don’t know why , I’m told I’m not interested in the financial situation but find there’s not much money in the only joint account and quite a bit in his many other bank accounts , he came into my house when we had been together for six months , he had lost his home with his first wife, her fault he said ,and now he treats me like I don’t matter now he’s financially better than he was before he married me , I feel a fool I knew something wasn’t right in my beginning but that was before I had the internet and could dig deeper into things. If anyone is feeling that the relationship is going wrong listen to your gut if you can’t find any other reason for the behaviour get away from this person asp.
@@FaithfulandTrue949 this was truly lovely and refreshing to read as a way to describe it. I was and am blessed that I was always able to turn to nature and the smallest of joys and humour, laughing with my mum sometimes about the worst of experiences, to keep me keeping on! Thank you for such a lovely passage to uplift the writer and all of us! Hugs. Lovely.
The narc in my home asked me: What would you do if I left? (I wasn't sufficiently cooperative when I found out he was cheating on a marriage). Says I, without skipping a beat, " Hire a lawn service. Yep. That should cover it." He was speechless.
That’s right.
👍🏻
That's what I'm talking about! That is how you deal with a narcissist-and then leave. 👍🏽
What an inspired reply. Well done you!!!!
Hilarious response, good on you. Trust you're well. Thank you for the laugh. xxx
good one!
Learned a new word today. Dysflexion. Also saw for the first time just how damaged and enslaved narcissists and their cohort of enablers are. They're like the walking dead. Like zombies bound in chains, desperately and uncontrollably trying to infect the living and drag them into their funnel of death. You could no more expect a narcissist to do good than you could a corpse, especially a reanimated one. What a profound insight. I choose life. Ahhhhh. Sweet, sweet freedom.
Wow Ben, thanks for sharing
Love this comment and it's very well written! Thank you for explaining it so well 🙏
What does dysflexion mean? Is this the proper spelling? Thank you in advance.
Exactly, what a sad existence.
@@s.k.2017 I just googled it. Copied: Autonomic dysreflexia is an abnormal, overreaction of the involuntary (autonomic) nervous system to stimulation. This reaction may include: Change in heart rate. Excessive sweating. High blood pressure.Jun 23, 2020 It sounds like what my body feels when I'm having an episode of complex PSTD. Plus my thigh muscles get weak from the rush of adrenaline I get.
My puppy played with a moth. To him it was just a curious play thing. But the moth was being destroyed and finally left for dead as the dog moved on to the next fascination. Reminded me of how narcissists treat people. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for sharing your wisdom. I’m doing well with no contact and feel safe again.
I was in a 2 decade marriage to a malignant Narc when we moved out of state. It was a brand new neighborhood, everyone was on their best behavior and figuring out their clusters (cliques), which I hate! I am an empath, and throughout the years encountered many women who I now know were toxic. At the time, I just knew I felt cringy around them. Partly, because I was already spreading myself too thin within my own marriage to a Narc. Exhaustion is accurate!!! These women operated @ differing levels of Narcissism~but, all were about THEIR needs. When I would express my own, or even expect to be listened to...I would get bupkis! Slowly, I backed away from every one and of course they balked and wondered what my problem was. :/ I see that through my easy going nature, willingness to pitch in on things~that I was a Narc magnet. Never again.
I am your male counterpart. Same set of circumstances. Divorced a few years now and living a much different existence. I could not continue to lie about who I am just for her sake. She wanted that new home...fake life....more than I was willing to tolerate it.
@@jaimhaas5170 Good on you. Same! And, what a peaceful life it is without the chaos of Narcissism.🙂
I totally relate. Narc ex, move to other state. My new neighbor next door actually told me, "you have no idea the things I do so that people will do what I want". I didn't know about narcissism then. It became a "me or them" scenario. I was surrounded by them. Finally, after many years of people pleasing, giving the benefit of the doubt, making excuses, making sure others outside did not see the truth of their ugliness, I finally chose myself. I can see looking back that the narcs were feeding on my energy, time, resources and if I didn't get out then, I was not going to have enough energy to sustain my own health. They were literally killing me.
@@istateyourname4710 exactly. Two decades is such a huge chunk of life....we have given enough. Time to rebuild. I have my own dreams. I just need time to remember what they were :)
I love that last sentence about realising you are a narc magnet and never again. That is how I live my life now, people think I am a 🤬 but the peace is just overwhelming. I never knew I could live a contented existence without constant drama and worry. It is unnerving at times but it gets easier with each day.
When I moved out at age 27, my mother called me selfish. I knew my worth, which caused my mother to further hate me, but in the workplace I encountered narcissistic bosses that reinforced my mothers abuse and I came very close to physical and mental collapse. Everyone needs a supportive person in their life, no matter how 'strong' they might see themselves. Those supportive people are now very scarce (and I'm NOT referring to enablers!)
I hope you continue to do well, I survived a narcissist mother and sister and then met a narcissist at work, it made me very ill.... best wishes for your future.
@L I agree. It’s so hard. And the few people I can talk to which won’t understand never seem to understand. I have a mother, and ex friend of 15 years and more that I see do not have my best interest. They pretend they love u and etc then start hanging around those people and the games begins. Then they love to throw it in your face. SMH the list goes on. I pray for at least 1 person who is genuine
Nice to see another person who didn't move out until age 27! As the oldest, I felt I had to stay home because my mother constantly bemoaned she didn't "know how she could possibly cope" when all her children were gone. Finally, she had made a new friend who lived in a darling little neighborhood on the beach, and thought I should live there, too. She dragged me to go visit it, and we ended up finding a perfect apartment. I only moved out with her permission! Now that I think of it, I don't think she helped me move at all and only visited me once at the very beginning. Instead, I was expected to spend every Sunday after church with her at home. Eventually I started to wake up, and came up with the idea of literally weaning her off of me. I started visiting her every other weekend, then every third weekend, etc. It worked, thank God! 5 years later I moved out of state for a graduate degree and never moved back. I spent an awful lot of money to visit on vacations and Christmas, but that was far better than actually living there.
how are things now, i had narc mum dad sis and ex hub and ex partner, hard to find people who are genuine consistent nice
@@franceshaggitt3104 I went through some very rough years. Don't stick around to try to make things better with a narc. Things only get worse. I had to cut out my whole family because all the non-narc ones have passed away, leaving only narcs. I also had to walk out of a job. I get lonely but it is better than abuse. I seek out the non-narcs in my new job but I never really open up to anyone. Keep God close to your heart.
Sometimes, we even say to ouselves: "What could have I been, said, done in order to avoid all that mess?". The work of acceptance implies acceptance of ourselves while living the situations with those people, and afterwards. Not knowing what was going on, not knowing what to do, reacting to the abuse don't define us, our value. It reveals our humanity, and how we were at different stages of our lifes, our evolution. That's very important to accept that in order to heal.
So beautifully said.
Yep. Reminding myself that what I could have been/done/said to avoid what already happened is irrelevant to where I am now. If i were to become who i think i could have been to change a past event, I wouldnt be doing it to improve myself and my red flags, I'd be doing it to see if the outcome would be different...essentially finding a way to take control of the blame. Which...is a bit of an eye opener. What I (and anyone in such relationships) could have been or could have done or could have said, we did do at the time it was happening, and any other "I could have" or "I should have" is determined by where and who we are now, not where we were then. So the questions now are "what did I miss then that I need to be aware of moving forward" or "what part of me needed what I was giving them so i can meet that need". That second one is the hard one, because of the in the moment decision that has to be made before it can be absorbed in it's entirety.
This is so true and people that know you think it’s 100% your fault. Yes living my best life is 100% up to me but let’s see that critical demeaning friend in my situation. How would they have done?
Yes. I often had to remind myself of your answer to that question while on the mend when I was constant being told that I was never going to be the same because of what was really going on while I didn't fully know what was going on while no one at first could believe me when showing up in an emergency room once while not being myself as usual.
Yea feels like walking on eggshells
I saw my adoptive father in the M. Scott Peck book, People of the Lie. In this book, he talked about evil being on a continuum and that the degree of evil directly corresponded with the person's ability to name and acknowledge truth in/ truth of their life. This motivated me to seek and commit to counseling and begin the healing journey, post divorce period, which had also been a narcissistic relationship with a pathological liar.
This is true. They cannot and will not be at home with themselves. They will not face themselves or even be able to face the truth.
That is the difference.
Can they face themselves when they look in the mirror? Most narcs and psychopaths can't. (They deny, deflect, and refuse)
Such an important book. It was my first introduction to what was happening. It took my breath away.
This book blew my mind. It’s spectacular. One of the best reads of my life. He is so on point the way he describes their refusal to ever allow honesty into their lives. It’s the most logical explanation for evil I have ever seen.
Excellent book!!
I think you are right. The inability to "acknowledge truth in and around their lives." Or they spend so many years dealing with painful, corrosive truths....relationships.....they think it is the norm.
Yep this is me with my life, wondering what the heck happened as my life is so blown up in many ways. Super aware of everything now, being discerning, going deep, keeping boundaries, doing self care and figuring out what to do next. Thank you 😊
❤❤❤❤❤
❤
Wow! The needle entered when I was 6yrs old, I’m now 68! It’s a very old oak tree! Thanks to you Dr Ramani I’ve started to cut the tree down, and I will grind the stump! 😊
Literally, sitting here in this moment realizing my current failing relationship is just another narcissist who is using/used me to make the people around him (including his ex-wife) think he was a man of value. The flags were all there. I did see them and occasionally allowed my cognitive dissonance and empathy to override the truth of what I could see and would experience.
I'm letting it go. The dream. The hope. The belief. It's all a charade. Truth is I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt I'm a MUCH better person than he is. He too often fails my barometer test. Doing things I would NEVER do. Especially when it regards another's feelings, safety or sanity.
I can do BETTER for me and to me by myself.
After a horrific encounter with a Covert abuser, another friend pointed out that she had just read a scripture warning to stay away from those with flattering lips. So True !
When you say 'stay away from those with 'flattering lips', do you mean those who flatter or charm you, or those who have really nice-looking lips? lol sorry, not sure what you meant.
@@brynne77 scripture means people saying what you want to hear 👂 🆚 talking words that are the truth whether you like it or not. Is not about the 'physical' appearance.
@@Dani-cg9hn Ok, thanks.
I'm JUST NOW beginning to understand why my life has been lived in complete survival mode, not trusting people, and being afraid of so many things - especially love. OMG, I pray I can overcome this as I realize the devastating effects of growing up in a narcissistic family - not of my choosing; I was adopted into that horrible family that I no longer associate with. But WOW, the damage!
Yep, makes you weep to realise you've NEVER truly been loved purely for being you, only what you can provide to others. I know that place. Having a dog as a companion fills that void somewhat. I wish you well. God bless and love to you for being you. xxx
Dr. Ramani, you truly understand narcissistic people. You described them accurately and even your selection of words were on point. Thanks for being the voice for the victims of narcissistic abuse. Victims are suppressed, robbed of their own identity and continuously struggling with finding the person who they truly are.
My Buddhist teacher said it isn’t my fault, that they’re creating their own bad karma
I always heard it was our fault from previous lives because we made our own bad karma.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 that’s actually not entirely true. Karma means “action”. It’s the choices we make in the past or present. We can engage with positive intention and enact positive karma and still suffers the hands of others with negative karma.
We have only the present moment. Do not imagine about your past and future. We cannot look to our past or future.
@@nataliaalfonso2662 I've often wondered if that was true.
The sad truth is that some people like that never experience any bad karma coming around back onto them so they become wiser by learning from their mistakes while being open to teachers and the great teacher/healer himself until the moment they die.
The capacity to enjoy your life, will be rubbed from you. It's indescribable and unfathomable.
I couldn’t help belly laughing over and over at this specific comment; “OR telling you it’s all your fault, and they often have a choir of enablers singing back up.” Idk why but I envisioned my narcissist singing his praises and all his flying monkeys swarming around singing background vocals. Thank you for that much needed laugh through pain Dr Ramani!!! 😂❤️
That's my mom except as she gets older she has less and less enablers. Her own children and grandchildren don't like her. The only reason she has friends or any family that tolerates her is because she puts on a nice face for them.
Just crying right now because these are my exact words when describing the disaster and chaos of my life
Terribly cruel experience
Julia-you can strategize & make a different choice when you have the resources to do so. Learn these lessons well! You can have a brighter future. ❤️🌻💐
❤
The biggest thing I hate dealing with is, how the Narcissists wants you to
hate people because they do. The spreading of hate is so insidious as I've
witnessed in the last 5 years from watching Political TV. It's in everyone's home
as I was raised listening to the litany of hate and shame. It's hard to change that.
My mom watched the soap operas in the 70s when I was a little kid. I
saw the manipulation and backstabbing every day and was disgusted by these A-holes even as a kid. She, along with millions of other young 'stay-at-home' moms also watched the I Love Lucy show. The moral of every single episode was...Lie to your husband because it's funny.
This is the part I don't understand: When a narcissist calls themselves a Christian, goes to church and thereafter has convinced many that is true while only going through the motions then all the narcissist has to do is to tell all kinds of lies about any person they want to discard so long as by all appearances they are still in right standing within the church while sometimes more and more people start to believe all of those lies. While more families in the past up until the year 1917 sometimes were being arbitrarily forced to bury a relative outside of their church burial grounds because that loved one's remains along with whomever they divorced was according to the church fathers not worthy of a Christian burial. I don't know if that sort of thing for sure could have been a factor causing the great schisms in the Christian church which happened in the year 1054 and 1378.
Right. They want you to forgive them for anything if they ever say sorry, but no one else is allowed grace or mercy.
Wow, you just opened my eyes again! My mother used to critique my friends and approve or disapprove of them. She would get jealous of any she thought might become more popular than I was. In the 6th grade there was a new girl I liked and wanted to become friends with, but my mother heard from neighbors that the boys liked her and thought she was cute. From then on, my mother constantly pointed out to me how long her neck was, among other things. I was literally talked out of befriending her!
@@dubes5594 interesting observation! Lucy was a total narcissist, wasn't she? Ricky, Ethel, Fred always had to cater to her whims. I loved the show as a kid, but was always bothered by Lucy's antics when it came to defying Ricky and messing up his cabaret show. He would tell her no and she wouldn't listen, nor did she ever consider the consequences... narcissist! While I loved the show, I never liked Lucille Ball when she was interviewed. I bet the show was a true depiction of her narcissism.
Dr. Ramani, This proverb certainly stands true and I can’t think of a better place where than in a narcissistic relationship. I have lived it, as everyone else here has. Thank you for your wisdom, hard work, and generosity! 💖
One of the more destructive aspects of having a narcissistic parent is that the toxic dynamic is so normalized (or "rooted", if you will 😉) in our minds that we feel an odd sort of comfort in the uncomfortable familiarity of this dynamic, which then leads us to repeat it in every other area of our lives. I have been free for a little over a year and, with the help of these videos, am finally starting to wrap my head around what the HECK happened to my life. If you read this, Doc, Thank You for helping people like myself begin to understand that we really do have the right to start over and truly live for ourselves b/c life is too precious to do otherwise.
i think we can try and observe healthy people and how their family treats them to learn what is and what isn't normal behavior .
for example , the idea of calling someone when u are simply stressed about something , even if that someone can't help u, but just to let it out and vent , was so strange to me , i always thought speaking of ur issues is ''too much '' and '' too needy '' .
@@kitkatt6357 That's a great observation! I grew up in a home with good parents (I'm interested in why/how people do evil things, which has led me to videos on narcissism), and experiences like being able to vent to a compassionate family member seem quite normal to me. Before now I've never really thought about how some people have a completely different "normal" 🙁
I would offer another example of a healthy family, but it's hard for me to know how our experiences differ! I'm guessing growing up your parent(s) were very critical of you? Mine were forgiving and often gave me the benefit of the doubt. They would correct bad behavior (ie. if I was rude to someone they'd explain why I'd need to apologize, or if I lied I might be grounded for a few days depending on the severity) but would be completely accepting of things that were mistakes (ie. breaking a plate or forgetting something at school). I also had the impression that they almost expected me to mess up occasionally, because I was growing up and learning, and everyone makes mistakes or bad decisions from time to time. They didn't make me feel like a bad person when I did something wrong, but rather someone who needs to learn to do the right thing. Hopefully that makes sense 😅
As I've grown up myself I've slowly realized my parents are not perfect either 😛 Good people, but I don't always agree with them. But they treated my sister and I with grace as we grew up so we naturally extend that same grace to other people, including them.
@@marzipanmango first of all i really appreciate u taking the time to search on narcissism and sharing your perspective , it helps more than u can imagine !! :)
for me if i would complain about pain or any problem , even things completely out of my control , my experience would get minimized , and or i would be told it's my fault i experience pain , i must have caused it to myself , or told others have bigger pain so i shouldn't even mention mine , or they would be totally disinterested ecc.. the list of ways they would humiliate me for simply wanting to vent goes on ...
When it comes to making mistake , well it never matters what i do , it's always wrong .
For example , when i was really young ,i used to get good grades without studying , my mom would criticize me and say if i studied i would get better grades .
when i grew a bit more , i started dedicating most of my time to study , so ofc she would criticize me and say what am i studying for ? it's all useless at the end , i should sit back and relax .
My mom even criticized me if am breathing too hard (i was in pain so it was hard to breath) and accuse me if being passive aggressive for it (talk about walking on egg shells lol )
or they might criticize me for something , but if u catch them doing it the same exact way , they will make excuses and NEVER EVER admit they made a mistake .
it could be the most simple meaningless thing , but they would never admit wrong or say sorry .
And yes u are right , no one is perfect at all , trying to honestly learn from mistakes and change is what makes the difference between a good and a bad person .
@@kitkatt6357 Funny you should use that example, because it is something that I recently gave a try. My friend was just being a kind and understanding friend, but the effect was much more profound than she realized because of what the experience taught me overall. Being used to unhealthy people and relationships has left me with few of these "good examples" to observe, but now I am much more aware of this as I move forward and search for new friends. I am still always cautious of crossing people's boundaries with TMI, but at least I know that I can reach out if needed.
Also, the way that you describe having your problems minimized or gaslighted as a child is very familiar. While it's painful to think of how many of us grew up with this experience, there is some comfort in knowing, now, that we are not completely isolated and misunderstood by everyone. I wish you all the best in your healing.
@@theStarryNYT wow all u said is super relatable !!
and indeed beautiful words ! we aren't so alone after all !
thank u so much and wish u the best as well :)
My mom always affected my self confidence by making me feel all my choices were wrong…
@@laurenharper1510 I’m sorry! How are you doing these days? 💕
@@happyjmc thanks!! I’m sooo much better- God has helped me tremendously. How are you doing?
@@laurenharper1510 I’m so much better, too! I appreciate all this awareness!!
Thats how my mother was as well
When you said they may find you agreeable that hit home. He literally said what he liked about me was that I was so agreeable. It should have been a red flag but I didn’t see it then. It’s been 2 years since no contact and I don’t watch your videos as much as I used to because I’m healing. But the education has been a lifesaver, thank you. ❤️
“The wreckage of my life”, that’s the statement that summed up my life when I left the narcissist. Total wreckage. Empty, lost, confused, disconnected, deep sadness. I didn’t even have enough to feel anger. I couldn’t feel how I should have been feeling. My life before me was in complete ruins. And I blamed myself for all of it. I literally couldn’t believe I was even still alive. I felt certain my husband, the narcissist, wanted me dead. I’m now thirteen years ahead of that epically disastrous divorce, and I feel almost healed enough to call myself healed. But not quite. I’m left with CPTSD, anxiety that remains with me, and likely always will to some degree. But I’m happy, physically healthy and mentally healthy. And I’m grateful for all the help I received along the way from professionals to family and friends. That all happened once I decided that my life had to matter, for my kids and for myself. I matter. Still. Thank you for this video - it reminded me that I still matter and how my kids see me matters, still. 😁
Thats like the charred remains of a house blaming itself for the work of an arsonist. Youre a champion for having survived and escaped, celebrate your freedom by doing something nice for yourself as often as you can.
@@deanayer3822 thank you for that! I hadn’t always felt like a champion but encouraging comments like this remind me how strong I was even though I didn’t feel I was. ☺️
I am so surrounded by the entire in-law family, partner, mother, sisters, aunt, and cousins. it’s like a narcissist bloodbath. Thank you so much. Everything you say is so true.
Go no contact save yourself.
That's why they drag you on to their patch ..... because often families operate in gangs and lock you into the situation further. May God bless and protect you. xxx
Been there slowly manoeuvre yourself out if you decide to.
Same situation here, but I cut the narcissists off. The enablers have finally seen the light, as their true colors finally came to the surface and they became the victims.
Oh, this is spot on! - I like the black mold analogy - mold is disgusting and black mold is actually toxic to health and can cause alergic-immune related problems; the mold can spread in the wall with only some signs showing that it is there, but in the end it damages the adhesion of the wall surface to the wall base (brick or concrete wall) and in the end the wall surface falls of the wall base completely destroying the surface.
I feel like other people don't get the best of me anymore and that I don't have the capacity for friends and people that I used to. My health and my work have also suffered so much. I feel like my life force is being drained away.
((((((Hugs)))))))
I often say I wish I was the me before I met those awful people.
Sorry for being dramatic. I've just had a bad day today and feel like I can't find the energy to do what I need to do.
@@aparsons6495 I know what you mean. Looking back at photos of myself my energy and my spirit seems different to how it is now.
I feel the same way. My inner spark is dying.
Evil is usually part of the narcissistic personality.
it shows more and more in their face as they grow older.
@@zoeymckeown3194 right you are.
@@zoeymckeown3194 So true... my auntie has no kids is coming up to 89 and looks better than my narc mum who's around 66
Truth!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I was the good kid, the nice kid; with a gigantic bullseye somewhere on me. I've wondered whether I was made "good" and "nice" by the incessant bullying from my narcissists. I wonder who would I have been had it not been for the narcissists.
So true....... I feel like I'm still putting my life back together after being deserted by my narcissist.
You got lucky... they left, now you have to resist the hoovers.
@@cymbolichuman433 my walls are up so high...... I don't know if I will ever be in a relationship again. The tiniest lie (even about something irrelevant) will have me turning my back & shutting down further communication!!!
Chances are he did you a big favor by deserting you to run off with someone else instead of making you pay for tying him down with children while later all he wants to do is to be acquiring himself yet another wifey to add to his collection of maybe instead booty calls too.
@@francesbernard2445 doesn't make it hurt any less.....
Be thankful..be very thankful
I like how her videos don’t need fancy cameras and lights, her name, advice and experience is soothing.
My husband’s and my relationship is so toxic, he was gone for 2 weeks, and my life was so peaceful, such a nice flow, orderly, so happy, no more of his stupid drama, little hurt snipes, not cleaning up his chaos, messes he makes, not cleaning up himself. He even tried to ruin my life while in the hospital, call with his drama, ( I have learned) not answer the phone.
I agree I don't answer my cell phone calls go 2 voicemail
How about just divorce him, relocate, and be DONE with him!!!
You spoke to me today for sure. Even when I think I found a friend that is not a narcissist I soon find that the relationship is one-sided. I am getting better but still have a ways to go.
Dr Ramani this has got be the best one of your Videos (I think) on the impact a Narcissist has on our lives. Evil is what is most certainly is. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I appreciate so much. 🙏
Ann-Marie Quigley,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
I had a narcissistic mother and the experiences I missed out on in life because of constantly being off-balance, shell-shocked, and severely depressed in childhood and adolescence are staggering...just too overwhelming to comfortably contemplate.
And the childhood and adolescence have reverberated right up to the present moment, casting a dark shadow over my whole life.
It takes a long time and hard work. Healing takes time and work. It’s wonderful to get out of that darkness
I know what it's like as I had a Mum like that but one strategy may be to list all you feel you missed out on and even at a later stage in life try to accomplish as much as is possible, tho I realise you can't go back and have those stretching teenage years, cross them off one at a time.
@@lesleyelalami2562 Thank you.
I always wondered how people got so much more done than we did... but they didn't have to work around the chias, the "conversations," the transactions, the tantrums, the control, and on and on. Thanks Dr.Ramani, I'm leaving a 30 year relationship (23 years married). I'm 52 and I move out next week. I didn't understand what was happening in our relationship and why it happened over and over until I listened to you. I have 30 years to unpack.... the hurt, the emotional abuse .. and just enough good times to make me question my sanity.
I needed to hear this today. I saw my ex recently for the first time since I went no contact. It really destabilized my resolve. And there wasn't even any conversation. It's been over a year and that trauma bond is so strong. Still a struggle to build a better life. Ugh.
I’m at 2.5 years and it still requires daily adjusting. I work hard to be unattached.
I have to adjust my thoughts to line up with truth.
I see improvement and sometimes shifts are obvious.
Remember the facts.
They don’t care.
Let the facts and logic win.
Fake it until you make it.
Stay strong.
Blessings
❤❤❤❤❤❤
My "best friend" I've known since junior high, never calls to see how I'm doing. She holds grudges, and has given me the silent treatment for not meeting her expectations. She doesn't value my loyalty. Her BPD has gotten worse since realizing It's a cluster B disorder. Now she denies she has it. My NPD Mom hates to see me happy. Five minutes around her is five minutes too long. My narcissistic Dad is a coward and a fool. Everything is everyone else's fault with these miserable creatures. No sense of self = no accountability. I have empathy for how they became narcissists, but refuse to make excuses for their abusive behaviors.
This absolutely TRUE! It takes a mighty unsettling effort to uproot that poisonous kind of oak tree. But it feels so amazing to feel like a normal person again 😌 . Thanks again Dr. Ramani, your videos and group and this community have been like the constant drop of water falling on the rock, it eventually started making a dent and slowly carved cracks so I broke out of the toxic mental and psychological wreckage that I had become 🙃. At 60 plus I'm vibrant and excited about life, feeling young, calm, and balanced ...normal! Thanks God for this miracle 🙏
Dear Dr Ramani
Am an Ethiopian and I’m really happy to know you and your lessons.
Really I can’t tell you how much I get a great relief from a painful legacy due to my wife destructive nartisstic behavior. I wish I could have known this lesson a years back. I am living here in my country Ethiopia.Am following your lessons because they have helped me to make tremendous progress in my relationship with her.
Imagine how I suffered for more than 15 years of marriage life.
I really thank you very much may God bless all your life.I pray for you to have long blessing life .I will be very glad if your lessons can be reachable to most Ethiopians.
This proverb makes perfect sense. She came in, seemed very loving and charming at first, then she ultimately isolated me from my friends, forced me to give up my social life and career and because I didn't see it at first, it eventually spread and my life became a nightmare.
The narcissist is the embodiment of evil. Their neglect, selfishness, and lack of empathy can suck your soul dry. You are then left this empty hollow shell of a human driven only by serving the narcissist needs. I use to just stare in space for hours trying to escape and shut down because I was absolutely exhausted by life. I felt trapped. I couldn't make someone be what I needed but I loved what was killing me.
Eventually the insanity of it all forced me to get off the ride. I left for myself. I put my mental and physical health first and haven't looked back. Knowing how the narcissist has made no changes and immediately entered into another relationship let's me know without a doubt I made the right choice. My only regret is that I stayed too long and wasted so much on them.
So Completely TRUE
This is my life
The chaos is palpable
The crazy making is intense
I started to stutter any time I am near him
I don’t know how I will make it out
Life is unfair
My joy is stolen
Hope you can get away
I’m sorry youre going through this. I understand how it feels, sending you resilience and strength to pull through
I started stuttering too, awful hand shakes and anxiety. These people can be poison. Getting it out of your life hurts tremendously but its for the best.
Get out. Find a way. You deserve a good life
❤
I can totally identify with the widespread effects of a narcissistic relationship. Not for the first time Dr Ramani, you give me such understanding of my own story and a sense of validation . To then read all these wonderful comments and realise yet again that I'm not alone is a total turnaround from believing it was all my fault and that no one would understand. Thank you to everyone.
Thousands words of gratitude from me for dr. Ramani's love (educating us)
I used to be in a narcissistic relationship. I was so consumed with it. I procrastinated all my finances. I was so distracted from paying all my bills. Trying to buy his love and surprise bills I had a plumbing bill that was all cuz he flushed something down the toilet accidentally. They destroy your home your vehicles . So irresponsible. So glad I got away and back on track to building credit!
good one...I see this in my friends life...(56 married 25 years w/2 kids now adults) from her parents to her ex husband to her kids that the narc brainwashed against her.
I sent it to her this morning and hope she starts to understand "what the hell just happened?" I'm amazed just how much victims are in denial of being surrounded by narcs from all sides.
This is my life too that you just described. You are a good friend. I wish I had one like you.
This describes my husband to a tee AND me as well. I grew up in a trauma bonded home with 2 narcissists - my mother & grandmother.
Dr Ramani the way you articulate these intricate processes and effects of dealing with a person with Npd always astounds me. ❤ what you've done for the community thank you.
Narcissist rarely ever apologize, even if they do its disingenuous. That is a huge red flag for non sociopaths to look out for. If you also gave to deal with big temper tantrums ... RUN!
@Helena BUm yeah ... that's called disingenuous bullshit
This video Dr. Ramini ✔... Thanks for your insight. "Be of aware of who is around you, trust your instincts, & don't just write this off as a difficult relationship. It's a dropped match that becomes a wildfire". So profound & helpful! Thank you! 💌
No joke, I’m really struggling to write my MA thesis because there’s so much narcissistic chaos and instability in my life, so I can’t think clearly. Of course, my narcissistic family doesn’t understand that and is instead angry at me for not finishing my degree very quickly.
They never went to uni but love telling people that their kids do. So you better hurry up so they can brag with your achievement.
And who knows what will happen afterwards. They don’t want me to move out so they can control my life. And without having a huge fight, I can’t get out of here anyway.
As soon as the money starts coming, rent a small room somewhere and begin building your credit. You will have peace in your own home and you can visit the parents when you feel lonely or reinforce your decisions and observations.
Once you have steady income, it might work to quietly rent a studio apartment somewhere (or even a dorm-style room with a shared bathroom, just something inexpensive with a locking door), and then slooowly sneak out items you need. I mean heck, maybe a low-cost storage facility could be good in the meantime for the slow-sneaking-out of your most important items, to help you prepare. If you can secure your passport and ID (and hopefully birth certificate and Social Security card, if applicable) as soon as possible and put them in an undisclosed bank safe deposit box, that would be ideal. And even if they hold onto some of your documents, when you have your own address to receive mail, you can get the rest replaced. You can rebuild your life as long as you have your documents, even if you have to abandon everything else.
But yeah, undisclosed apartment to quietly sneak your most valuable and irreplaceable possessions to could be a way to "move out" without the sudden drama of an announcement and move-out day. Once you have enough in your new place to get through day-to-day life and/or when all your valuables are out, just go out to work/school one day and never come home. That's my 2 cents and it could be totally inapplicable to your situation, so please keep or throw any part of it. I know really often there are multiple factors that keep your life entangled with narcissistic family members, not least of which is health insurance. Wishing you all the best!
@@alexia3552 Your advice is very good😊
They don't want you to grow, they don't want you to prosper, they don't want you to succeed. They might tell different but that's their game. They want you to fail in order to become what they are: failures. They sabotage you so they can feel good about it themselves,. You're trapped and nothing is gonna chance for the good. Never. Find yourself a place and only then you can start building your own life and become a happy and prospering person. Narcs don't love you, they enjoy you failing, they want to keep you around as narcissistic supply. That all you are in the eyes of a narc. You're not a beloved child, not even when they tell you you are. It's not me saying it, it's what we all have experienced. I mean those with narcissistic parents. It's sad but very true. Take my word for it. Leave as soon as you can.
I was very moved by your posting because it was so reminiscent of mine before I escaped. I was in 12 Step groups for codependency, which is where my new friends/supporters came from, and where I received help in my escape. First and foremost, please keep your plans to yourself. Consider renting a postal mail box (no address listed for mail) and notify those businesses who send you mail of the change of address. I set up my own account at a credit union (our accounts were elsewhere) for myself as only $25 😂was needed to join. Consider setting up a separate email address just for safe people to use. Expect them to try tracking you down through your friends, social media, appealing to them about your “mental health” problems and needing to reach out to you. Try to change everything from your hair dresser to your doctors because they’ll try everything to find you. For now, use the resources available at your school. They can help with part time employment at college, tutoring, and best of all, counseling services. Consider this rescuing the 8:58 little girl who has been so hurt by people she trusted. You CAN save her. I’ll be praying for determination and courage. I lost almost everything but found myself. It was worth everything to be alive and happy.
Ok Dr.Ramini this video was specifically me🤦🏽♀️It was like listening to my life being narrated. Thank you for all you do 💜 and let's not forget your team🤟🏾 Thank you ALL🤟🏾🤟🏾
Letting go of rumination has been so hard. I get stuck on how no justice was done, but the fact is i can transcend all the obstacles the narcs put in my way if i can wrest my thoughts back from ruminating on the abuse
So true. I must remind myself of this over and over and over again.
Dr. Ramani did a vid on justice (and struggling with it) too. It was of great help to me. I looked it up for you: th-cam.com/video/B6LzDnJ6ziM/w-d-xo.html
I began to understand this, in short order. While my mother’s behavior had been on an increasing decline for years, the week I got the job I now have, it plummeted. While I do feel there were secondary issues that she let get out of control, it was her basic behavior that initially caused them. At the same time, it felt clear to me that both my mother and my sister wanted me to put my job as the last priority and I was asked by my boss, if I was still interested in the position, because everything was unraveling so quickly and I was also just at the start of learning about narcissistic abuse. Add to it that, when you’re the only one that sees that it’s more than “Mom needs your help and you’re just doing nothing!” when helping her was what you originally and lovingly intended, there’s sooo much dissonance there. But it was the self sabotage and the attempts to sabotage me, without the acceptance of help from a neurologist and/or psychotherapist, that clenched it for me. We all have problems and we all become ill, at some point in our lives. But, when the goal seems to be to intensify and manufacture problems, which include turning predatory, I’m out.
Being engaged with these types of people will anchor you to the ground, if not entirely end you. If you aren’t wise or don’t get wise to it early on and learn to pickup on red flags and patterns, you’ll be enmeshed, obligated and abused before you know it.
The good news is that since the year 1917 at least that sort of thing isn't going to mean if they do anchor us to the ground well at least then our relatives won't have the added problem of having to carry out the alternative funeral arrangements for divorcees. Since that year us divorcees now have more career options in the church too so long as we are continuing to grow as a Christian. Which could come in handy while not being able to find decent paid work including for room and board anywhere else.
Your comment is the closest I’ve come to understanding what my mother did to me when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She actually expected me to quit my job to take care of him. At the same time my 29 YO son was undergoing surgery and treatment for cancer. I was running in circles trying to care for both of them and fortunately my employer was understanding. I wish I had known about narcissism 14 years ago. All I knew my mother was sucking the life out of me and beating me down. Your comments are much more eloquent but the end result is exactly what you state - enmeshed and sabotaged.
@@TWILLIE639 well, I’m not interested in eloquence. I’m interested in any and everyone who needs to, knowing that there are so many similar situations. Many are with people we fall in love with or befriend. But, many are also with family of origin.
It is a super painful situation. For me, now that my mother has passed, as much of a flying monkey as my sister is, I also know she’s in pain, because she simply feels I abandoned her and our mother. The reality is that there was abuse that I wouldn’t tolerate and I was the odd person out, in trying to get our mother’s diabetes and mental issues taken care of and not almost entirely ignored, by her simply visiting a podiatrist. Although I can’t continue to ruminate about what could’ve been, I assume my mother’s life ended prematurely, because of the lack of care, although I’m well aware that her NPD would’ve never likely been cured.
I’m so sorry to hear you going through this. What we think of as “family” is the antithesis of what happens in a narcissistic family. As I continue a legal battle, not to take anything from my sister, but to enable us to go out separate ways legally, it is obvious that this pain goes on, long after the death of the narcissist, leaving turmoil in its wake. The only positive thing in my family, is that it will surely come to an end, as we are the last and final generation.
@@TWILLIE639 although financial abuse is often talked about, where narcissists are concerned, to elaborate on it a bit, just WTH is a person going to do without an income! They not only lose their income, their independence, autonomy, perhaps any access to UI, their health insurance and their ability to retire. Narcissists want you to be an embarrassment to yourself and to destroy you from the inside out. All the easier and better, when you lose the ability to support yourself, even if you’ve given up your livelihood - for them and at their request or through their encouragement. They will, then, tell you that they don’t know what you’re talking about. That you have no evidence of them needing anything from you and why would they? Look at you now. You’ve always been headed for being a bum. Get off the property.
I believe that, as my mother was switching me from golden child to scapegoat and giving my sister the early inheritance of a free house, both her and my sister wanted to unseat me from a great job opportunity. For them, this would also change the narrative of my life, making it “appear” as if my sister had always been the more successful one, when she actually hadn’t. I might’ve become a bum or died - exactly the picture they wanted. Exactly what they hoped for me. So, whenever I’ve wondered if I wasn’t being empathetic enough or mourned my mother enough, I consider what she had in store for me. And one of the things that has my sister losing her mind right now, whether she realizes it or not and whether she takes any responsibility or not, is that she feels I’m coming for my share and am not under her control to destroy, because mom didn’t leave everything in order for her.
@@privateprivate8366 such a coincidence that my mom has diabetes too (and mental illness and not just dementia) that I’ve worked hard to care for by endocrinologist. My brother would never cooperate with having her evaluated by neuropsyche. Now he has completely isolated her from private doctors by turning her care over to personal care home’s in-house quack. I am obstructed from taking her off the property even though I know she’s getting poor care. It’s a given she will die from lack of care/negligence. He has already positioned himself to make off with her paltry sum of money by being joint on her account rather than place her in nursing home for appropriate care. And you are absolutely right - when I’ve ever mentioned to my mom the times I’ve bailed her out, paid her expenses out of my pocket she tells me “I didn’t ask you to.”
Just recently found your channel and I recognize myself and my ex-husband in every single video you shared. It's as if you were peeking in my windows all those years, and describing exactly what was going on. And getting out of that relationship was full of additional landmines, but once I stopped dealing with him directly and let my attorney handle all correspondence, he knew he lost control. He gave in and signed the papers. And I'm happier now than I have been in YEARS.
Crippled I feel psychologically Crippled. I literally fear people.
It gets better. ❤️
Stay strong
Boy. I have learned that NOT trusting one’s instincts and little voices in your head is forever top of my list to give me warning signals.
It is only 12 days that I closed the door on the last narcissist in my life.
It is like a breeze is in the air with clean cool air.
The heavy rock is out of my solar plexus.
I will be a guardian to listen and watch those people who are not kind and self centered. I will be polite and say no thank you. I do not need or want your help or friendship or compliments. Finally at 74 I got it.
Growing up with a narcissist mother and sibling I never learned what true boundaries are.
And first of all….. once I was honest with myself and accepted reality I could start the change and healing.
Thank you Dr Ramani. Thank you.
I have spent hundreds of dollars to understand the deep sadness and disconnectedness in my soul. I ok now. I know and see and hear what is good and what is bad.
Love you Dr Ramani
Your advice is so true and amazing to what we are going thru. Thank you so mych much for your videos .
You are a blessing from above for all people who struggle with narcissist.
God bless you 🙏❤️
She’s amazing! Did you join her online community?
@@happyjmc how do I do that
So spot on that it hurts. In the last two years with my abuser (covert narcissistic ex best friend with psychopathic or at least sociopathic tendencies) I was barely able to function. I've neglected my life in its entirety. My relationship, my job, my hobbies. Nothing brought me joy anymore and I could feel myself burning out. I've spent all of my energy in attempts to fix everything that was going on between me and him. He said that I caused the chaos. That I was the problem, being crazy, toxic and volatile (reactions to his bs and trying to get out/cut ties), that I was controlling (asking for decent behavior and effort) and that it was my fault that things never worked out because I couldn't read his mind. He was in my head when I woke up and when I fell asleep, only to wake before sunrise and stare at the ceiling and then crash 30 minutes before the alarm goes off.
I remember how he once mentioned a specific thing that he had noticed about me around the time we met. Later he described his current target/supply with the same exact words. That's when I finally, after endless months of repeating altercations, realized that he had "chosen" me (and why) and that I was no longer useful to him.
I’ve been in trauma therapy for 7 years for an unrelated (but related trauma) and just gained complete clarity of how my life started at pure empathy, a selfless heart, incapable of harming anyone to mentally broken 35 years later.
I was trauma bonded to my big brother (by 3yrs) from the age of 4. He is a covert and malignant narcissist who physically and emotionally abused me until age 8 at which point he learned how to triangulate my parents and any friends I had.
When I turned 12 he started a crazy making campaign to get me to commit suicide and it lasted 4 years. The cycle was always the same. Neglect, covert love bombing and manipulating me into saying something bad about someone else, my mom or his flying monkey that I always saw as my best friend, then triangulate the other person, chaos would ensue, I would end up demonized because he would hop in at the last minute as a peacemaker and covert demonizer, I would try to avoid him while being grounded, confused, helpless, etc then he would start baiting me, as soon as he got a reaction he would begin the gaslighting “why are you acting so crazy, mom is so sick of your problems, you should just to kill yourself, or at least run away… this ended one cycle.
The abuse lasted 36 years and the tactics he used were every single one you can list. I just realized last week he was really trying to get me to commit suicide and drive me insane. It was just us two siblings and my mom is trauma bonded to him then my enabling dad. I was the scapegoat and the truth teller.
He hated me from the moment I was born and I couldn’t do anything except love him. Even now I can’t find it in me to hate him. He ruined my life and almost got my son taken away from me when I was 36. That was my last straw but it still took 6 more years, last week to open my mind to what I actually endured.
I’m journaling it right now so I never forget again. And so I can process what happened to me. I will say that my mind is a fortress now, even before the fog completely lifted. It became a fortress the second I learned how to love myself and see my worth.
I’m still in an incredible amount of pain right now knowing that my big brother, who I loved and looked up to even though he never felt the same, actively tried to get me to Kill myself for decades. The more memories that I’m unlocking, the more heartbreaking.
And still I find myself feeling sad for him. That he will never find true happiness or love. Right now I think the only thing that’s saving me is my incredible emotional intelligence and forgiving heart.
A very moving 'comment'. I could feel your pain. I trust life is being kinder to you now. God bless xxx
I got out of my toxic relationship after I had a God revelation. "Look what he is doing to you!" That was the beginning of the end. When I told him it was over, he said, OK. He didn't even care!!
Thwarted, twisted, tortured and tainted its an annihilation 🔥
Every area of my life has been affected by toxic relationships and my inability to get out of them sooner than I did. Thank you for your work, Dr. Ramani, it's helpful and healing.
Childhood. Degraded if you wanted something they did value. Told your dreams didn’t matter. Told you were the "bad seed" and that pthe world hates "people like you". You were an evil abuser. At 6 year old I remember withdrawing into my own world. It had probably been going on earlier. In my baby book it said "Today she said: You hurt my feelings. I am going to hurt more than her feelings."
Finding oneself to be an executive assistant and not a partner is heartbreaking
A narc only wants a slave; a servant
Thank you so much for helping me understand my relationships and the effects on my life in a way I have not found in person therapists to grasp at all. One therapist this person in your life sounds narcissistic, but that was it. I've been studying this topic for 20 years and your content pulls it all together and tells the more obscured stuff too; all the angles. You should know you are changing lives for us and those around us!
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for being a beautiful soul. For having the courage and sass to be a companion on the journeu.
Here, here Total agreement, thank you Dr R. You've got the right measures of what authentic goodness means and you don't suffer fools, can only imagine the level of spiritual warfare you take for continuing to expose these diabolical demons👍❤🙏🙌
You describe having a narcissitic-parented childhood and its effects very well. Example: My extended family, who would not aknowledge how bad my mother was because they knew it but didn't want the responsibility of facing how bad things were for my immediate family, just like to say about me that I'm a "late bloomer" and one has gone to criticizing me as being "aimless." But the truth is, I had big hopes and dreams, and I am stuck, as a therapist once said, at about age 15 where "finding myself" and moving forward is concerned. I have multiple degress including post-graduate because I am multi-talented, but I have never felt I was able to focus on a vocation, I never felt worthy, my brain was always taken up with having to care for my narc mother. She almost ruined my college career by claiming she had only a year left to live while I was in college and making me come home and care for her (she lasted nearly 20 more years). I was expected to care for her through my 20s and 30s, when I should have been launching a career and focusing on my goals, and I did care for her. Being the empathetic one, I was my mother's target for her narc abuse, but the roots of the tree of narcissim even reached my sister, who was left out of the abuse. My sister has had much wasted potential as I, except possibly more because she was considered "exceptionally gifted" and won many awards and scholarships to top schools (awards I'd rather not say what and how celebrated she was so as not to ID her). However, even though she was not the one who was tasked with caring for our mother and was allowed to go to college with no strings attached, she never came close to reaching her potential, she is wayyy underemployed, and she married a narc, and there is so much wasted potential there and she is so unhappy. She, unfortunately doesn't have a good understanding of how badly she was hurt, because she wasn't hurt as directly as I was, and because of that she blames herself for being a failure. I know how badly I was hurt, but so much time has been wasted now, and the years of my youth when it was easier to pursue ones dreams have long since passed for both my sister and I. That proverb is so apt.
Dr. Ramani, I wanted to thank you so much for helping me to identify my narcissistic partner's abusive conducts. Because he is a covert narcissist, I was often left in a confusing and hurting stage. Thanks for your advice. I was able to go no contact and ended a 10 year relationship with him. The break-up was messy and I had to ask the court for an injunction to stop his pursue and harassment. Thank you for saving my soul. You gave me the courage to climb out of the black hole I was once in.
Thank you so much for this video, the timing was perfect. I have someone in my life who angers and frustrates me immensely. Just a day ago he did something and the anger rose again. I have been arguing in my head asking myself do I love this person and I'm just talking myself out of it because of my own insecurities about relationships?? My head knows with absolute certainty that this person is bad for me and my mental health yet I do care about him (like I do with many people who have battled with mental health issues). After watching this and another video you did "8x patterns of trauma bonding" I had an aha moment. I realised it isn't love, it's trauma bonding. When you're someone who was raised in a toxic house and have had toxic relationships, love and trauma bonds feel like the same thing. If it wasn't for your videos I wouldn't have recognized this and would have continued to ruminate over this person. Thank you again, your work is immeasurable and saved me from falling into the trap of having another Narcissist in my life.
Dr Ramani, I absolutely love your work and your videos are so inspiring. You helped me a couple of years ago to leave the narcissist. If it wasn't for you I may not have got out of the relationship as soon as I did. Thank you ❤️
Love how this is putting focus on accountability, on the narc persons (and their choices) themselves, instead of covering the core of the problem with some abstract philosophy or excuses.
Thank you as always for your videos. Even though i got the courage to leave my narcissistic partner and move back to my home country, I still love and miss her, and i don't hate her in any way. I still see her as human, i see her inner child hurting.. But she wouldn't let me in, and chose to abuse instead. I hope I will heal and learn to live again. I didn't deserve the treatment.
Dont justify evil. Give yourself a chance
The bible says "above all the heart is deceitful, who can know it" its OK to love her and also acknowledge she's not good for you... its OK to choose life. Its OK 🙏
You definitely will, but it’s a long old road. I take a step on it every day. All the best to you and your big heart.
I've escaped one narcissistic situation only to find out I'm in another. Escape a partner only to be stuck in a job where the company is narcissistic. They punish you for attempting to preserve your well being. I'm exhausted and people tend to tell you that you should've 'behaved'. ugh! I wonder if any place is simply normal!
That’s so true! It’s been a long life of hell since I’ve never had the time to take stock of my life!!! There’s so much I’ve been through it’s exhausting & actually took my life!!! The last 32 1/2 years have been a LIVING HELL!!!!!! Not being able to have the time with my children, myself in having a career in the last years of my life! DESTRUCTIVE EVIL PEOPLE!!!!!!
What happened! Exactly. I promised to do all the things she asked me. Loyalty honesty definitely no cheating! She did the opposite.
You explain things oh so well! I swear it is the power of the Lord Jesus who sustains me and keeps me sane as I navigate a new future and heal, finally becoming the person HE intended me to be, not what others have tried to insist I become. Thank You Dr Ramani ❤
You saved me doc. 2 years to totally leave her and the battle of my life to see my children but it is better to die with a pure soul than live with a black one.
Yes, this was my life for 3 years + with him. His texts still derail me. My relationship with my children suffered when I was with him, I was so distracted and distraught. I grew up with a borderline mother and a narcissist stepdad so the up and down insanity was my familiar.
It's difficult though because you know they are the way they are because of trauma or neglect of their own. His father is a narcissist alcoholic and was emotionally absent at critical developmental times. It's all so very heartbreaking.
❤❤❤❤
In my early 20s i was surrounded by narcissist’s my friends,family and partner at the time you are so right you have to be careful who you surround yourself with it can be so damaging i heal by listening to your video’s.Being in a narcissistic relationship is like your life is never in control I feel like i was spiralling in a circle of mayhem .
Excellent video- may many people, especially young people, see it!
I hope my son would watch this.
I definitely would compare narcissists to a highly toxic mildew or algal bloom. It describes them perfectly. Plus, it's hard to get rid of them, so I'd also describe them as lice.
Great video, as always.
An appropriately disgusting analogy
So many good analogies. A friend of mine refers to them as sharks. As soon as they smell blood in the water ( a hurting, weak or vulnerable person), they all come circling to attack you. They always need a victim, and sometimes it’s another narc family member even. They will team up against their own and switch sides to suit their needs. No loyalty, they are monsters.
@@wilma432 Absolutely.
Well said!
This amazing lady really, really knows what she's talking about.
My older sister is a malignant narcissist. When around her I felt shaken, unsafe. She never comes across as genuine; she certainly isn't to be trusted.. You know she's been smearing you to family and others. I honestly think evil brews within her after witnessing her behavior. The cruel things she says, does wouldn't even cross a stable person's mind. I walked away a year and a half ago and I'm never going back to that Hell. Just the thought of her makes me terribly nauseous.
Yeah my sister has my daughter but I pray God keeps her safe and send her home to me exactly at the right time. Ive had a narsisist in my life the last 5 months. He does not give in on me. Ive told him that we shouldnt be together but he wants to continue with me, we were going to spain together but I just wanna get rid of him. I dont think he is that handsome anymore I also think he is cheating but I dont know exactly… My twinflame is sending me alot of love so I think he wants me to cut him off. Its like my TF makes me stronger. I send him love back. But I havent seen him in 3,5 years soon.
@ainahaga
If you know already that he is a narcissist-----RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!
Excellent proverb! So on point, and Black Mold, yes. Mine was my mother, my son, the gf my son as NPD forced in on us despite the issues/concerns I raised over the years I had known her. Looking back and accepting this was his lack of respect for us, I see he just did not care about the hell he was creating in our home. Got them out. Thank you.
When your vibration is raised you can go through, in other words when you see what you are dealing with, meaning you’re not making those excuses and you bust them out every time that demonic spirit tries to raise its head. My journey has been a roller coaster but now I am in control, I’m not saying that all is going to be easy but knowing what to expect I have put on my armor. This is not dealing with the flesh but with an evil spirit that they have allowed itself to attach to them, just so happens to be someone that you love.
Thank you, as always hitting the nail right on the head!!! Perfectly put in ways that people can understand and/or situations that we have Definitely been in!
Dr. Ramani, you nailed my last narcissistic relationship...its been 562 days of strict no contact. I've never suffered so much damage from a relationship as my last. Thank you for providing guidance, a real understanding, and hope that we can overcome this type of evil.
Whoa what a topic! Love the Ethiopian proverb. I just suggested your channel to a client to check out, keep up the great content Dr. Ramani!
I was married for 20 years and have been frr almost 4 years. We never had your important research when I was younger. You deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Keep bringing the light ❤
This is so on point. Everything said is exactly as it is playing out in my life.