Normal relationship: trusting your partner to make the right choices for both of you. Narcissistic relationship: knowing that your partner will make the right choices for himself/herself only.
yes because it's emotional and "identity" abuse, regular relationships have problems also but the people aren't emotionally abusive and aren't trying to invade the persons mind. It can really mess with your head and emotions when you don't know what it is. In a narcissistic relationships there is no "real" partner there, it can be pretty shocking when one first understands this. Healthy relationships people respect each others boundaries, emotions and opinions/wishes, have empathy for each other and solve issues in a much more mature way. Narcissistic abuse does not feel good.
I LEFT HIM, I FINALLY DID !!! HOORAY 👏👏👏🎉🎉🎉 and yes, this channel hase give me the strength and when it gets though, i watch one of those videos again and i feel a little stronger again. Thanks u so so much!!!!
This channel did the same for me. Congrats. Keep watching even after you have left. The outside world will try to convince you, you were just mistaken. Keep watching. Also again, Congrats.
Oh yes. The walking on eggshells with absolutely everything never stops. It took me weeks to figure out whether to tell my narc. sister that I'm pregnant. I the end I was more or less forced and guess what? 2 weeks later she all out of the blue blocked me and chose to go no contact...
I felt drained more and more as it went on. Was I the problem? I feel like I lost a great person for some reason while at the same time I felt paranoid the whole time.. my wife before her, was a bad narc. This one, my head is spinning because of the good things she did. Idk who was the problem but I feel like I’m a good person who has some trust issues that I just started to go to therapy for.
You are so right. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself. I lost weight, my eyes were sad, I was exhausted on the verge of mental collapse. I had to reach my breaking point and say no more. I had to love myself enough to walk away.
This is what happened to me didn’t know. Until I was losing myself. Got to a point where I didn’t want to come home. Got tired of regular conversations leading to arguments and him ragging.
In a regular relationship both parties act like adults, the feelings of both parties matter, both will admit when they are wrong, and there will be no verbal or physical abuse. Abuse is NOT normal and never justifiable.
So true. I used to think to myself everyday, "What is the problem going to be today?" It was hellish. Knowing that a major blowout is going to happen but you don't know what the trigger is going to be, if any. They might just launch. My theory is that because narcs do the whole "Jekyll and Hyde" thing so effectively no one believes the victim.
Exactly….the more I speak about solution, the more I repeat it assuming he genuinely doesn’t get it….turns out he just hears everything but refuse to corporate….and when I started to be upset and my voice slightly raised…he said “calm down, why you have to raise your voice?” …..this puts me off every time. I was trying to be heard, and looks like he is watching me suffering without feeling any empathy.
@@Rainnyparadise That is what they do Rainny, it is the oldest trick in the book. It is a toxic brew of gas-lighting, dismissiveness, and blame-shifting. He IS watching you suffer and he does NOT have a scintilla of empathy. Not only is he unsympathetic to your situation, he is causing it for his own sick psychological needs. Of course, as soon as your tone becomes the least bit exasperated by their constant BS, YOU are the crazy one!!!
@@steviea427 🙏🏻 This is very demoralizing and soul crushing at best....to know that someone you believed love you, in fact you don't mean that much to them...It's still hard truth to swallow....that there are such people who appear the best to others, treat their said-loved one without soul.
My wife was in a toxic relationship for fifteen years before I met her. She was so trauma bonded to her ex that it was difficult for her to leave the relationship. Thank you so much for helping me to understand why she had a hard time leaving that relationship. Your work is indispensable to the understanding of these relationships. You are a gift. Thank you again.
Please treat her right. It is extraordinarily damaging to try to manage a narc. You WILL break yourself trying if you have stayed for years and years trying to make it work. Be patient with her and partner with her. Do NOT lie to her or deceive her ! Massive triggers.
What drives me crazy is when people say, "well it takes two to tango". Somehow implying that I am responsible for bringing about abusive behavior. There's one to add to the proverb list!
If you have unhealed childhood traumas like abandonment etc - you are most like gonna attract a narcissist and fall for their love bombing. As a survivor myself, it was important I started doing shadow work and heal myself so I can identify parts of me that need to be healed so I don't fall for narcissists ever again
My Grandmother used to say " it takes two to tango" but she only said it when one of her 8 daughters would cry about being pregnant again . Never about abuse. About abuse she would say " you can't choose how someone treats you but if you never do anything to change your situation, you eventually lose the right to complain and begin getting comfortable with being a victim". She had 10 children and left her abuser in a time when it was almost unheard of. I love my grandmother and her advice came from experience ❤ She also said to not battle with idiots and the truth will always come out in the wash.
Hey, that's what my narcissistic husbands father said after my husband went to jail for beating me for the baby waking him up. Well I was a bit snarky and told him to put a binki in the babies mouth or make him a bottle
The "all relationships are hard" rhetoric kept me in my abusive relationship for way longer than I wanted to stay. Gaslighting myself... sigh... Thank you for being a guiding light in the recovery process ❤
OMG, yes, I was always walking on eggshells afraid of the next explosive narcissistic rage attack! And when I tried to reason with the narc, I was gaslighted.
@@LOKI77able Sometimes there are issues in relationships (actually there is always going to be), but when one or both sides don't approach them with empathy there is more going on in the "backdrop".
You have given me a superpower Dr Ramani. When the smear campaign started I stayed strong and I finally got to see who my real friends were. Without your videos I’d never have been able to understand what was happening to me. Thank you for everything you gorgeous human! ❤️❤️
Somehow, i dont "care " anymore about people who dont get it, good for them. I just cant loose my time any longer trying to explain or looking for validation. Life is to short for that. It feels lonely but here i am holding hands with you all (from all over the world). It is a universal public health issue, Good to be able to talk about it and to listen to.. thank you Dr. RAMANI for the knowledge and this space.
Thank you! It is lonely, I feel like I'm surrounded by entitled people and narcs in every direction! I'm so sad. We all need a hand to hold and a hug and to know we are not alone.
I seeked validation for EVER. Like the opening lyrics of a breaking Benjamin song called without you, it says search for the answers I knew all along. We all know what's right and wrong and what to do. Seeking validation will leave you by yourself and never feeling worthy enough. I'd rather have my shit together and be alone. Then be invalidated and have no support.
Carmila, I’ve given up trying to get people to see, I’ve tried and I know I have tried, and to me, that all that matters now, that I’ve tried…and I know their time will come when they get it, just might not be on my watch, just some time in the future, when they are ready to REALLY hear it.
How buoyant did I feel in my next relationship when she apologised, admitted she was wrong and thanked me for talking it through so she could see it from another perspective. An apology? Not being blamed? Not being told how reality actually is? It's so weird but awesome.
Oh my gosh, thats sounds like an actual mature adult lol. It would be nice to know what that feels like. What you are describing is like the Holy Grail of what victims want so badly from their narcissist partners, but will never get. Good for you and anyone else who has been able to heal a little 🥳
Oh my god I’m so glad I read your comment. A simple thing like an apology seems like a fresh breeze. Not the word sorry just said in a passing tone after you’ve lost countless hours in getting stressed but one where your partner actually sits down with you and explain.
I had the same experience. My ex never apologized or recognized when she would do the very things that she’d accuse me of. Minor arguments escalated into full-blown fights if I didn’t agree with her, so I would agree just to move on. I hoped she would show me the same respect, but it never came. The ‘agreements’ were irreversible, forever moving in her favour. Like a ratchet, ‘click’, she tightened her grip, ‘click’, with every dispute, ‘click’, every argument, ‘click-click’, and every fight, ‘click-clack-zzZZip’. When I relate these stories to my partner, she worries, recognizing that she’s treated me unkindly on occasion, but I always reassure her that it’s different. I tell her the fact that she can hear the story and reflect on her behaviour sets her apart. Moreover, she’ll recognize it in the moment and just completely turn herself around and laugh. I have my mean moments too. When I would reflect on my own behaviour and apologize, modelling the behaviour I hoped to see, my ex would hold it against me instead. Just another example of how she was a better person. Not that she would believe me either. After all, she knew me better than myself and would generally prefer her version of who I was than actually pay attention to the human being in front of her. My current partner, she thanks me ❤😢. I well up just thinking about it. Imagine how badly someone needs to fuck you up to be brought to tears when an apology is met with love and trust. When an apology isn’t used to score points in a game that they created and continuously rig in their favour.
This this this . What is draining me is this perpetual blame. It's always my fault. Even things completely unrelated to me are irrationally put squarely on my head and I'm punished for them😊
It's so much about them being in CONTROL!!!!!!!!! A Narcissist wants complete control in every corner of the relationship as POSSIBLE!! I grew up with a mother who is ONE!! I am so thankful for you DR. Ramani.
There is no peace in narcissistic relationships. It’s a constant cycle of good days and bad days. A narcissistic relationship has no team spirit - there is no “us”, it’s you vs them. In contrast, a healthy relationship feels like home, a soft place to land. It fills your cup instead of draining it. Spending time with your partner feels refreshing, not exhausting. When issues come up, there is a genuine interest in correcting them instead of gaslighting, devaluing and minimizing. I was married to a narcissist for many years and whenever I complained about his behaviour, I would hear “no one is perfect, he just doesn’t know any better, maybe you should try xyz, it’s a guy thing, or give it time.”
Today is my 26th anniversary and everything you have said here is my life. I am exhausted and want out - however well meaning friends and family say things like 'think about the kids', 'at least he is not hitting you', 'all men are like that, so rather the devil you know' And everything in my being is screaming NO...Enough...😰
@@shoshotichareva4147 27 yrs here. But kids have finally gone, and I've finally found out what he is. I'm not sure if yours ever throws 'well let's just get divorced' when he does, call his bluff, say if that's what you want fine, move into a kids/spare room. Start getting your ducks lined up and speak to battered women's re a benefit, alimony, safe house etc. If you own a home, in nz if you stay, the govt pay your mortgage, but he has to leave. Mine never would. Always tried to kick me out. Well.. This time, I'm going. But it isn't always easy. Just start getting some plans together so when he tries to throw u out, or discards u, u have a plan. Good luck Its so hard to break a family up, but he's breaking u. They get worse with age. Fyi!
Can’t say it better just how my sister says it but doesn’t know what it is to be with a narcissistic husband but don’t care no more for anyone to understand I feel it I get it and this videos help me understand it’s real I didn’t make it up I’m not crazy that’s why it never felt right but didn’t have a name for it
Yup. Every time I called out my narc mom’s behavior she’s say “well no one’s perfect”. And I’ve had (some well meaning) family members say “well that’s just her personality”. She dominated the family so much, and I think she was too exhausting for people care to deal with her. Then she complains that no one wants to be around her and acts the victim.
I have been told my whole life that "all families have problems," I understand this now is enabling. The person who sees and speaks the truth, ends up internalizing this pain. Extremely hard on the body.
Yes! and she calls it scapegoating. Scapegoats have a hard time, I know this well. hang in there and find someone who understands and or a therapist so you aren't isolated in confusion.
Iv'e been to counseling. Yet, I AM internalizing the pain. I know it's not right, but I am quite alone and it's hard to keep my head above water. No one but no one understands how deep and entangled it goes. I don't even find much comfort in these videos. I need someone who understands and won't downplay just how bad it is. Good part about me? My love has no end. Bad part about me? My love has no end.
Only someone who had lived through the insanity of a relationship with a Narcissistic Relationship can fully understand how detrimental and insidious it truly is. I was stuck for 18 years, lost everything... my family, money, friends, freedom, health and sanity. I lost the very essence of my being, I became a person I did not even recognize..... I could tell you all the "craziest" stories of what I lived. Narcissist is the new "in word", people use it FAR too loosely. 5 Years free now, rebuilt my life the best I could for myself and my daughters, but there is still residual trauma in all of us. Thank you Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness of dealing with a person who has "true" Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
34 years for me and not out yet. I have no memory of who I was before this. Rather like having amnesia I guess and hopefully someday slowly relearning who I was and am. I agree the word is very abused and used in wrong context these days. Rather like the word “bullying”. Five years! I’m proud of you. I too will lose everything and nobody will understand how I could leave such a” great guy. “
I happened upon a TH-cam video and I discovered just one year ago, what this madness is that I have been fighting with for all these years. Man is it a nightmare now that I don’t fall in line like I used to.
Key- Not regular relationships problem!!! The constant invalidation, lies, gas lighting, anxiety…constantly filing issues under “communication problems”. Slow bleeding away. This is on point!!! Some therapists doesn’t offer support.
After my divorce I saw a psychologist for nearly a year and she believed I had been psychologically abused for years. I was shocked, and said "no, he could be really nice". I didn't understand what narcissism was then. But what comes to mind is when I described myself as a puddle in a corner slowly evaporating. I was blamed for everything and became a nothing. Thank you Dr Ramani for your wisdom - I'm rehydrating slowly but surely! Best wishes.
I thought she loved me, she said so....I didn't know how much I was abused on many different levels then she eventually robbed me blind while I was out of town...
Would you say that he had “streams of narcissism running through his life”? Cuz I’m realizing that my former husband (32 years) acted in narcissistic ways but other times he wasn’t at all. Is that how your relationship was?
@@suzannemartin6817 my guess is you didn't understand his motivations in those pleasant times and he may have been getting supply from another source, say job, a new friend, a hobby group or other women and was less involved and causing drama for you so it seemed peaceful u til something unexpected happened with that source of supply and so he got to cracking on the negative supply or even frustration supply he could get from you and your family. That is why the coverts and mildly malignants/.easily distracted types are harder to figure out so you stay longer and keep wondering. How to get out of the intermittent abuse and back to what felt ok or even good. They are always Ian cycles if idealization, devalue and discard with some Hoover thrown in with someone and you may be shelved and with them and not know you are not the main supply at the time so you think you have just reached a stage of contentment in your relationship but really you unknowingly are irrelevant during those moments in their lives. You are at best an after thought and thats when if you say oh remember and such and such they cannot. They were not really paying attention but going through the motions then and being pleasant but we're totally distracted so they have no clue. That's one of the first signs was the memory issues and then if I pressed it I got a mean and passive aggressive response. I literally thought he had early dementia or something. But he always was secretive and feigned incompetence and never considerate of his kids needs and feelings. It got much worse with age and he was also becoming more into conspiracy theories and trolling people online and taking up strange new interests and hobbies that seemed odd until I realized he was mirroring new supply he met online and morphing into twins of them and seeming odd to us based on who we thought he was and what he liked. As he got older things got out of hand and uncovering his secret lives out us all at danger and he pretended to want help and win is back but it was a stall tactic really and cruel. He got more threatening and violent and erratic so I thought he was in drugs or Bipolar for a long while but once I read about covert malignant narcissist it all made total sense and I knew no amount of love and understanding could help him. My son's knew and said I should stop trying. It was a relief to hear I had their permission and blessing to stop trying. Mom you can stop now was the best thing I had heard in years and it came out of the mouths of my boys. But maybe your person was only a narc when he was high on supply or low. Have heard of those types too. Where they only show that side when at an extreme in supply. Mine was grandiose when supply was high and very bossy and optimistic and was pathetic and wanting sympathy and depressed when supply was taken away or low...my life is worst work is me or after he would lose supply I didn't know about. Hope this helps and hope the original poster replies to you
8:18 Frozen is the perfect way to describe how I felt for years. I was literally paralyzed. I knew better, I wanted better, but I was addicted to the rush of finally earning the approval I was seeking. But I was stuck in the cycle. This is not something others understand unless they’ve been in it. I wish I didn’t understand at times but my focus is now on healing.
“Oh, that’s just him being a guy.” “All men do that. He’s just having fun. Don’t be so hard on him.” “He’s just going through a mid-life crisis. Give him space. He’ll come around.” So much of my experience was couched in unhealthy, societal misogyny.
That's where other men in the company of an asshole need to grow a pair of balls and put him in his place. Guys that do that are progression of the school bully in adulthood. You see it when guys try to single out females for a sort of 18th century servile position in the group, I've seen a regularly unemployed moron make demands of a female med student by continuing to demand she get him a beer like a good woman. She was too polite and a bit intimidated and actually done it. Eventually my cousin and I openly decided to discuss the fact that the asshole should get us all beer and clean up after for spare change seeing as he needs the work. He quietly left after 30 minutes of looking at his phone in a sulk.
Oh my gosh!! My mom “That’s how men are ..” When some guy at my dads work was trying to molest my sister!!! WOAH!!!! So not ok!!! That’s how PEDOPHILES are!!!
“He is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. You are over sensitive and needy. Your relationship sounds normal to me.” One therapist told him he isn’t responsible for my emotions and he’s doing nothing wrong. That’s when I stopped sharing my marital struggles and stayed in the narcissistic relationship. I truly believed I wasn’t doing enough and the disfunction was my fault.
I am sorry the other commenter said that. This is really not the place for that. It's gasoline to someone truly experiencing it. The fact that person didn't consider appropriate context nullifies any validity for you to doubt yourself based on their comment. Just work on you, with your own therapist to find out what you can improve. Sometimes therapists lack skill and experience in this specialty.. I am responsible for my behavior, including leaving, and I'm not to blame for his behavior. Did the therapist at least hold him accountable for his behavior, including words?
@@ThrivePurpleHeart what this therapist didn’t see is the Jekyll and Hyde personality at home. He did an outstanding job lying through his teeth. He stopped attending sessions because he’s perfect and the sooner I understand that, the happier I will be. I’ve since learned he’s a covert narcissist. Now that I’m out of the marriage and becoming healthier everyday, words from others are just words. Thank you for your encouragement.
"it's just a regular relationship problem" - until you wake up 2 decades later and realize your relationship has not changed for the better but for the worse. You've become a shell of yourself bordering on losing everything about "you". IMHO, narcissistic abuse MUST be included in the high school curriculum to bring the younger generation the knowledge and awareness that such vile people do exist and can essentially rob you of life. Give the younger generation a better chance to live a "normal" un-abused life.
I agree 1000000%. But, can you imagine the chaos & outrage among narcissistic parents, at their children being taught that life-saving ciriculum. I can imagine it now: news channels reporting on parents & others picketing outside of the schools, against the teaching of narcissism; and stuff like supreme court decisions reported on this, etc. We all know how much we'd have to fight for this. But I think it would be worth the fight.
I AGREE! Prevention is key, just like we educate about drug abuse; we need to educate on emotional abuse- starting with narcissism because it can be so subtle at first. Ramani: any ideas on how this could fit into high school curriculum?
In healthy relationships we don’t need to think about every little word we are going to say when we are going to address any issue with our partner, there’s no anxiety to be honest and authentic. It isn’t always the same pattern of trying to get a problem solved and being kind of punished for exactly that, that’s how I had it in a relationship with. a narcissist .
You explained my relationship in a nutshell. The confrontation before the showdown in person had me always on edge & anxious. Rehearsing what I should & should not say. Making sure I had proof (to “back up my opinions”) but that was never good enough because they were a master of manipulation and could gaslight a lie detector. I was so thankful looking back @ the discard, the devil set me free from his contrived rollercoaster of a “relationship”. It was hell on Earth. Never again!
It took me so many years to realize that I wasn't living with a normal person. Every counselor assumed he was normal. But literally everything you are told to do to improve a relationship with a normal person will only make the relationship with a narcissist worse and worse.
Thanks so much! I as a psychotherapist, after knowing the Narcissist was still hurting the victim during the family therapy time, and their unhealthy interactions behind my session, I terminated the Narcissist immediately due to his unchanging nature, and the “conflict of interest” and I only focused on the victim’s C-PTSD recovery! The thing is the Victim still in Trauma Bound and I had to really work on empowering her!
I followed all the advice I was given by friends, councillors, a mediator and online forums. I only had a handful of reasonable requests, one of which was to stop being verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn't use those words of course, but after 6 months, you know what finally stopped the abuse? A restraining order after she assaulted me.
Some of what you said almost made me cry. When you said that the gaslighting, manipulation and emotional abuse can get filed under communication problems. When you said it's a slow death of losing yourself and self-confidence.. That's what I've just been going through. We would argue and she would start shouting, not letting me speak. This eventually turned into me being accused of harping on the need for proper communication. Deflection, projection, gaslighting, bullying.. And in the end, I thought I might be unfair, too critical, too sensitive, or maybe that I was the narcissist myself. All the accusations that were thrown at me. I found some information on narcissism. Ironically I was studying up since she had accused me of being one. I kept the possibility in my mind that she did not want to have mature, respectful communication. I went in expecting that she will try to trigger me into blowing up. This did end up being her strategy. I did not react and I could see the confusion on her face. Wouldn't anyone be happy to say something difficult and have their partner react calmly and maturely? Everything was happening so predictably.. She got even more intense. I continued finding my confidence and not letting her anger me into acting irrationally. Well.. She left me a few days ago. A month ago, she seemed so concerned that we were fighting too often. I found my inner peace, stopped arguing, stopped yelling back. We stopped fighting. Well, I stopped fighting. It's what she said she wanted but was obviously the last thing she wanted. For me to be in control of myself again. Even in the last few days, sometimes I wonder if I f#^%ed up. I feel I am a pretty confident, strong-minded person. And even so, the self-doubt caused by this abuse is incredibly powerful. I'm not sure what state I would be in right now without this channel. Thank you for having made all of these videos and sharing them with all of us. Probably countless people you have helped out there. Love to the narcissists who are sad and hurting inside and hurt us in turn. They are stuck in a horrible trap. We don't need to stay in the trap with them, though. So love and strength to everyone who is or was suffering at their hands.
Wow keep strong and congratulations on breaking free! Well done. Also amazing that you send so much love to everyone including the narcissists while having endured so much.
Thankyou, i feel most of what you wrote i also questioned if i am the narcissist i still do sometimes but i never yell i always try to resolve things but they never get resolved and then i let go thinking maybe i am wrong or i am thinking too much or i am oversensetive
I’d love to have regular relationship problems, logical conversations and calm negotiations leading to practical solutions/agreeing to disagree. Even a ‘safe’ remark about the weather can lead to a meltdown.
I once said "I look ugly in all photos" (just a self-esteem/insecuriry of mine) while I was holding a camera - he reacted as if I had just called him ugly and got angry/annoyed, gave silent treatment & refused to take any selfies with me. Truly mind boggling what could trigger a narc. Agree waking up everyday not knowing what would happen, losing yourself, walking on egg shells, avoiding even the most basic relationship convos. My family think I am wrong to call him Narc & from their pov it was just a regular normal bad relationship that ended so I should just be over it already and move on. Narcs leave long term damage that may never fully heal.
I think the time you are most vulnerable to fall for a naricissistic relationship is your first love because of lack of experience.Happened to me and many friends of mine…
So true. I was 22 and he 31. 15 years later I'm only grateful for my two boys and the lessons learnt so I never experience this again, and teach my boys how to truly love and treat their future spouses.
Now that I’ve been in recovery and am starting to date it’s so different. Healthy men go at a slow pace and as a survivor it’s an odd feeling. I’m used to that love bombing and at first not getting bombarded with calls and text and pop up visits I was feeling neglected at first. But I’m learning. Just a side note I’ve been in therapy for quite awhile with a trauma specialist. I suggest waiting before dating so you don’t fall for another narc.
All of my relationships with narcs got very serious very fast. When I would ask for space I would get told that I did not care enough about them or the relationship.
@@JC-bu6vl it’s crazy how they get in our heads and hearts 💕 they always know what to say to push that button so their needs get met 🤬 hang in there tho. You got this!
The adrenalin rush... I get how you might have found it a bit slow and dull. Handy to know for my future! Dull is fine, if I feel safe, I trust them, I'm not walking on egg shells. Then I can take dull way way up a notch!!
I'm glad you have attracted healthy men. I've been in therapy for years and still attract narcs, including female friends. Honestly, sometimes I feel like staying home and not meeting people as I'm just sick of it. I can't shake that deep belief that I am not worthy of love. My Mum is a narc. Best of luck and well done for cracking this cycle.
Your last words hit me my Narc husband is a beast , a nasty miserable , joy sucking beast. I wish I had the courage to get out. But I don’t want to upset the whole family dynamic . Grown children, now grandkids . I m in it 39 years . I be been wanting to leave for a long time but just can’t bring myself to do it. I applaud all of you who have that strength
As usual you are head on correct. I've had real loving relationships. And a narcissistic relationship is pure hell. You don't even know who you are any more. You don't care if the sun doesn't rise in the mornings. You eventually feel that death is better than continuing on with this person. You eventually consider suicide. But I for one will not let my soul be taken. These people are demon possessed and the only solution is to separate from this person and cut them out of your life. They will never change, no matter the love you feel for them. They are not capable of loving you. No matter how much you pray for them, no matter how much love you show them, no matter what you do. Get away and don't look back.
Yes!!!! It is a dark energy that takes and takes and takes and never gives until you are sick both inside and out . Cutting off a narc is like opening funeral curtains and letting the warm beautiful sunlight of life back in !🦋
Living with a narcissist is just a question ofrelationships. The aha for me was when I finally noticed that all the issues I experienced with non narcissistic people would be quickly and reasonably resolved while the only "resolution" I could expect with my parents or.my. ex was doing what they wanted when they wanted whenever they wanted it! There was no accountability for any harm done and EVERYTHING was somehow my fault...also not true in my other relatioships.
Exactly! I never had problems with my friends that couldn't be resolved. You can never fix a problem with a narcissist. You can only give the what they want for peace. It is not a relationship it is a bad situation.
Exactly. I’ve just filed for divorce from my narcissist wife. I only stayed for these last long 7 years because we have a child. I always thought things would change but instead it got worse. She played the sweet fun girl until after the engagement. Arguments would make my head spin because while I’ve had bad relationships before, none of them had the arguments and mental destruction this one has. She would spark arguments over the most trivial things, then devalue me and even bring up private/personal things I previously told her in discussions. Wow. Then she’d storm off, sleep like a baby and wake up the next day as if nothing happened. Apologies? I can count on 3 fingers how many times it happened and it was always awkward. I’m looking forward to the sanity and freedom even if there will be a rocky road before the peace. 🙏🙏🙏
Gosh, you described the literal last year of my life so accurately. I became such an anxious person. I'd wake up stressing about this relationship I was in even when there was nothing appearing to be wrong on the surface.. It's like my body and mind were always in this state of alarm and urgency, fight or flight. I was always preparing and waiting for the next thing that would set him off and make him fly into a rage. I was ALWAYS preparing myself to brace for some sort of damage or impact whether it was physical, emotional, or mental. I ended up in the ER 2-3 times over all of the anxiety I was experiencing from being in this kind of relationship. It was terrible, just awful. I never felt so exhausted, overwhelmed, confused, disoriented, stressed, and sad as I was being in a narcissistic relationship.
A relationship with a narcissist isn't normal. I spent most of my life walking on egg shells trying to keep the peace. No one should have to be stressed out all the time. These relationships literally cause health problems. This is not a normal relationship!
Great video. 100% accurate. This is not "bussines as usual". I couldn't help but crying whilst listening to your words. Thank you for the validation no other therapist gave me. From the bottom of my heart.
omg she is so spot on about how you cling to the good times in the present bc you appreciate those nice moments as you know the cycle will repeat. it's so so so predictable. I've tried everything. I speak to him in a completely different way than how he speaks to me. I emphasize my feelings, try my best to assure him there's no blame, heck they might not be rational I say, it's just how I feel. but he asserts and assumes my thoughts, motivations and inventions and they're always the worst. when he's struggling with shit then everyone else is miserable or there's unspoken tension. sometimes he expresses shame for his actions, claiming he doesn't want to be his dad who was a tyrannical covert narcissist too. he flipped out when I brought up how emotionally abusive he was several years ago and on occasion when I've snapped since then. he mocks the very notion, "I don't abuse you, I've been through hell giving you the gd world and you show no appreciation or respect and you don't treat me like a husband but subhuman" (yes that's about exactly verbatim as I've heard it hundreds of times in 13 years I'm sure). I hate always being the problem, the excuse for him to snap and have a bad day when I make a silly mistake or accidentally left a mess out in the kitchen on the day he decides he wants to cook himself a 5 course meal. I'm always on eggshells during these bad periods.
My ex used to say that to me when I called him out on his abuse. He would say “we just argue like normal couples” but by that time I knew he was trying to gaslight me. Thank you Doctor Ramani
The thing I notice the most since my separation of 14 years with my ex is that I was always exhausted. I'd go to work exhausted. Just the ups and downs of emotions and the anxiety connected with it had me SO tired. When the victim complex came out and my having to show compassion exhausted me. Now that she's gone I'm a single parent with full custody, I've taken a higher paying job with more responsibility (for a company that's understaffed) and I still feel MORE energy when I get home.
"You constantly question your reality" reminded me of what it was like living with a narcissistic roommate. At the time, I did not understand what was going on. I knew I was upset often and frustrated, but I thought - because I have been told to be more assertive (i'm very non-confrontational) - that I had a problem with communicating with people. It never occurred to me that I could communicate just fine with the other 2 roommates. We were all friends, but only 2 of the roommates engaged in actual give-and-take, empathy, respect, responsibility, mutual friend stuff. The 3rd roommate had me thinking it was my fault (my poor communication skills). So, yup. Always ask other people, unrelated distant people. (lucky for me, i had a childhood friend who was a psychiatrist. he gave me free advice and it was eye opening)
I thought my relationship problems with my narcissistic ex were normal as well, until I finally walked away and realized that my ex never compromised, never apologized, and never valued me for anything but what I could materialistically provide for her. She would always change the narrative to shift the blame to me. Like “I told you this, but actually it was this, but I know you are too sensitive to handle it so I kept it from you.” You are always confused when you are with them.
Definitely always unsure don’t know to think clearly we either over or over think The mental and emotional abuse is real and very damaging . The narc I experienced a lot of self doubt and insecurities arise even on top of that of my own which was done on purpose soo much controlling isolation gossip drama it’s just wasn’t worth I gave too much of myself boundaries self and gods love period I’m never betraying myself again
Dr Ramani is so right. She described my childhood to a T. I used to feel my mom was okay to be around about 10-15% of the time. The other 85%, it was exactly as Dr Ramani said. Because of that, I’d never known what it was like to have a sense of self, I literally never had that before. My mom ruined my dad’s life, it’s sickening to realize it now. When you come upon a narc, it’s a monster you cannot win against. I’m saving this video to my library because our good Dr is amazingly perceptive and spot on. This was my life.
When you grow up around narcissists you normalize their bad behavior. I thought everyone lived like us. I finally left my toxic family. Narcissists don't change.
I'm a Therapist and You're Exactly Right on what you said about Therapists- I brought them issues- and they had No clue and Were blaming the Victim...and These were Therapists!
I definitely feel like no one believes me when I talk about how narcissistic my parents are. They aren't just difficult, they are horribly abusive. I just have to accept that I'm the only one who could possibly know the truth. But it sure gets lonely.
I can so relate to this. Knowing I’m the only one (in my family) who knows the truth and it’s an ugly truth. It does get lonely, but I so relate. You’re not alone in this.
Ditto.same here both parents are narcissistic and so is my brother. On the otherhands im a super empath and ended up marrying a narcissist then divorced and married another narcissists and i feel like the whole world around me attracts narcissistic people. Too bad i didn’t know dr Ramani before, because i went through so much narcissistic abuse throughout my 9 month pregnancy i just can’t explain it in words. They literally bring you to your grave
I can relate. To maintain one's sanity one looses not just the parents but all the enablers(flying monkeys) and the entire cult that perpetuates and supports the abuse.
Similar situation. My mom is such a "pure angel" for everyone, but nobody knows the terrible truth and how she can hurt my heart. Nobody would even believe it. Professional therapists and people who are going through the same pain can understand that. With age, verbal and manipulative hurts are her weapon, and when I was a child got through physical abusive relationship. She is kind of combination narcissist with the features of psychopath. Ironically, she has totally different approach towards my younger sister, because my younger sister is exact copy of my mom. She can't get nothing from her. My younger sister is hurting her older daughter, that hurts my heart for my lovely niece.
@@cyn_thee I married one and divorced. Met another one, seemed INCREDIBLE! Perfect, right? Fast forward a few months and the gaslighting, lies, deflection, manipulation all become apparent. I think the one before my marriage showed signs of it too but I had never really read or knew about narcissism at that time. Lately, I have wondered why I seem to attract them as well. I recently read about HSPs. (Highly sensitive person). Everything describes me almost to a 't'. You say you are a super empath. Google 'highly sensitive person' if you aren't already familiar with it. Maybe you identify with it. Apparently we are the perfect person, the perfect fuel, for a narcissist. I think they pick up on it and snatch us up. We are perfect for their needs but they are the most damaging thing we could come across. If you figure out why we keep ending up with narcissists, come back and tell me! Or is there a video on this? I hope you are doing good and break the cycle.
Narcissists shut you out. They have no desire to communicate, and no desire to change. To me that is abuse. Whatever voices they have in their heads dictate that the conversation is over before it even begins. They have a blank look on their face when you try to discuss anything that is important, and will go into a rage when you get too close to the truth. All the relationship skills in the world will never penetrate the lies they have built their lives upon.
As a person who lived almost 60 years with great "regular" relationship and side by side with narcissistic relationships I can not agree more: regular problems no matter how severe are nothing as compared to narcissistic. In regular relationships you do not doubt yourself. In narcissistic - you do. I did, until I realized for what it is and now I just grey rock the narcissistic relationships as I have chosen not to break it completely. But of course, I thrive in my other great regular relationships and that makes all the difference for me. I have enough strength to tolerate the narcissistic one and I do not live with narcissist in the same house. Thank you dr. Ramani. Btw, love love that yellow on you :))))
Grey rock method is not for psychopaths or sociopaths. Because they are masters of making any kind of misery and deceit and any kind of violence. So when you grey rock a sociopath or a psychopath then they become physically violent or aggressive or bullying you. So grey rock is not for psychopaths.
This video actually made cry. I feel like I truly need to retrain my mind to accept regular and healthy relationships because somewhere in me, I feel like I still tend to attract narcissistic relationships. I hope that someday, I will be able to naturally attract healthy relationships and sincerely enjoy them. Narcissistic relationships do leave us feeling so empty that it takes conscious effort for us to heal ourselves.
Thank you. It is VERY clear if you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship and then you get help, healing, and later get into a “regular” relationship. Night and day!
One indicator I've learned to watch for to identify people I want to stay away from: I call it "monkey dance" syndrome. They have a on-going and incessant need to cause you to go out of your way for them. For example, if you're their dog groomer, they'll call you a week after you groomed their dog to tell you something's not quite right. Can you come back and fix it? And they won't just do it once. They'll do it every single time. A "normal" person would learn to check the dog before the groomer leaves and have them fix a problem before they leave. They may pay some for your extra trouble, but it's a game for them and it's aggravating. If you clean their house, they'll contact you 2 days later to tell you they can't find something and you must've misplaced it. And they won't do that once in a while. Once they start it, it's every time. I have made a pact with myself. The first time, I give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe the second time. Three episodes and I tell them I'm done and I go no contact. It seems harsh but I have learned it's the best way in dating or business or whatever. Those kind of people aren't worth the headaches they'll cause you in the long run.
I was just thinking (the past few days) about when someone sets things up to see how far,above and beyond you’ll go for them and how often that is. It’s as if they need it to validate they’re a priority instead of understanding it’s draining or can cause other problems for the person they’re expecting it from.
Perfectly said! I have a friend who asked me why am i so emotional and sensitive? She doesn’t need emotional support in her marriage. She said I’m too sensitive to feelings. She is 71 years old and didn’t know she’s been neglected and abused for 30 years until her therapist brought it up when her marriage crumbled into a pile of 💩
Imagine having to deal with Narcissistic parents while in a relationship with a Narcissistic person. That was the most difficult and stressful part of my life because I had no one to turn to. I seriously thought about ending things, until my now husband showed up and taught me that my life didn’t have to be the way that I was living it and I did have a choice to change it. I felt so stuck and he opened my eyes. We have our arguments on a rare basis (usually about his mom LOL). He suffers from PTSD and anxiety (which stems from his time in the military,) but he sees the regularly sees the therapist and we are there for each other through thick and thin. . Again, thank you so much Dr. Ramani for helping me see things more clearly. My husband and I regularly discuss what I learned from your videos and how it applies to the abusers that were in my life so I’m still learning from you everyday and it is enlightening.
Going to couples therapy and having the therapist talk about our problems as though they were on equal footing made me feel crazy, blame myself, question my reality and the validity of my concerns about the rage outbursts I was experiencing from my partner. It deeply hurt me by making me question myself and the validity of my concerns even more than I already had been doing.
Yes we tried this many many moons ago. I recall one time the office was closed. Apparently I made a mistake about our appointment time and he had a huge rage. I go so upset m threw my purse at him and he punched me in the arm. He left a huge bruise. So yeah I’ll never do therapy with him. He’s too charming to others. They’d never know what I’m really dealing with.
When i went to therapy with my Narc i left there feeling more victimized then when i went it. It was horrible. He put on an Oscar worthy performance and i looked like i was the crazy one at the end of it. Lesson learned there.
We were just talking about counselling.. But everything blew up before we went.. I would've given it a fair chance.. Been vulnerable and open. I bet you money it would've caused much more damage. I'm sad to hear that you went through it but reading that you did, has me worrying less that I did everything I could have done, which is a thought that I am questioning myself with. Hearing you brought a little more confidence back. Thank you. I hope you are doing well and healing.
Really helpful. I wish I had heard this decades ago. One thing I've been doing is looking at bad moments in my relationship and thinking of how they might have looked in a relationship with a healthy person--even if they (or I) don't behave at our best. And it has been eye opening. What was even more eye opening was seeing how healthy relationship behavior turned bad. One of the key moments convincing me to cut off my 32 year marriage was complimenting my husband and thanking him for the hard work on our boat/home. Just to have him turn away from me--once he knows "he's got me" he didn't have to be helpful or kind anymore.
I can relate. You have my empathy, so sorry. That is a terrible feeling to know you gave your all to someone only to realize your love was gone, not to be returned. It's so easy to read stories like yours and think, "You don't deserve that, you can do better!" Yet, here "I" am, living the same life for 21yrs. I too: encouraged, loved, uplifted, forgave, just to be ignored and or left every stinkin' time I needed simple love reciprocated.
I stopped watching television in the mid-eighties due to the elated , sarcasm, and one upping I saw displayed in most sit coms I see now how the” minimization” over the last 40 years of mean , unkind abusive behavior has conditioned the society I see around me , sad, indeed! I’ve been highly effected by these unkind individuals million thanks for speaking truth to “OPPRESSION “ Dr, Ramani 🙏
In a regular relationship, there is a give and take. It might not always be 50/50, but it mostly seems fair and equitable to the people in it. In a narcissistic relationship, everything has to be the narcissists way. EVERYTHING! There is no fair or equitable in a narcissistic relationship. It is all about the narcissist, and if you object, you catch hell.
Absolutely true about what Dr Ramani said about Narcissist relationship. They slowly bleed you away from your identity and your true self. I kept telling myself that I have to compromise and let go of somethings/ flaws and that it was normal. Realizing very late that I was not myself and that is not NORMAL!
It is because they are emotional vampires and suck your life away, all the time mirroring the goodness they see in you behind the mask of their false self. It is purposeful, insidious soul rape. Thank God for knowledge for that empowers victims
Fricken love this woman! Helped save my sanity for sure. Not even in the toxic relationship but I'll still watch her videos from time to time, especially when I think of the ex, and it makes me feel instantly comforted. This woman is special :)
My narcissistic ex insisted that "our normal relationship" had problems that were due exclusively to me. Ready for the endless list? I was too sensitive, I didn't seem to have a sense of humor any more I took his digs and insults too seriously I expected too much I didn't do enough I was too controlling I was too invested in our kids and extended family, I was too loving, too independent, too creative, too kind... on and on and on...
I was too passionate, even after leaving him for cheating. “You see, that’s that passion. Calm down, you know I love you. If you weren’t so passionate about everything, you would not be so quick to leave me. Damn..” His words but my passion for sense making got me the hell out of there.
I love this video, cause I was already tracking those kind of toxic behaviors,: - the schadenfreude - the cicle of good treatment and bad treatment always coming closer together - the callousness - the denial, when calling them out whilst it happens - the abnormal jealously, it's as if they re jealousl of their own shadow - the constant need to compete - and a fierce aggressive unfair treatment towards u, they can just fall asleep, as if nothing extraordinary has just happened, and wake up, and almost not remember what they've done before they fell asleep. They even seem to wake up fresh and renewed, ????? Ohmygod what is this???? So, well, please don't be angry when people ask those questions, cause either they've been so lucky to never have met anyone like that, or, just like me, even if I was already figuring some of this stuff out, I still struggle in trying to see the difference between the normal and the not normal relationships. So, I really would like to see more normal examples to hang on to. Thanks for this video.
Healthy examples are: I'm free to be me and you are free to be you, good days, bad days, warts and all. If we don't agree that's OK, we can agree to disagree. If you are happy I'm happy for you, if you weep I weep with you. If I upset you I am accountable, apologise, learn and grow so it doesn't happen again. Equally I expect to be treated with the same kindness. Mutual, respectful, real. There is TRUTH, TRUST and LIBERTY in a life-giving, reciprocal relationship.
Your question about how a narcissist could wake up refreshed and renewed after a particularly vicious attack...I remember asking a counselor about this. I don't think my ex had full blown NPD...maybe some traits, but she was unfortunately physically violent with me. After an assault, maybe within a few hours or the next day, I would notice she almost seemed cheerful, happy even. Bouncy. I could never understand this. I felt so destroyed and broken down, and she was smiling... even humming. The counselor told me that an aggressive act, violence or abuse, was akin to crying for that person. It was a release. It felt cleansing for that other person to release all of the negative energy. They got it out of their system and felt relief, lighter on their feet. I also think that a certain element of disassociation occurs when people are engaging in abuse. It's almost as if they split, not really in their bodies during the extreme episodes. When you see those dead, cold eyes during abuse...disassociation....I think this also might explain some of the so-called memory loss, gaslighting. When emotions are wildly dysregulated, memories have a hard time forming, perceptions are skewed. There's something going on in the brain chemistry. Intense anger shuts down parts of the frontal lobe. I think we've all experienced skewed memory and perception during periods of intense stress, trauma..it's just that narcissists project so much of that turmoil outward, and in such destructive ways. It seems that at the core of so many personality disorders, there is CPTSD...and old defense mechanisms that end up turning toxic in adult connections. Sending healing 💜💜
Everything you say is definitely how my narcissistic ex talks acts and express herself as if she studied the narcissistic book and has been living it to the last sentence 😅😅😅 believe me.
The fear of seeing the world we live in and how it really is, means that most people create a bubble around them and within that bubble is their limited view of a world that works. They defend and protect their limited view because it keeps them safe and ensures a false state of wellbeing that pushes away the fear. Most people don’t want to develop inner strength, depth of character or the ability to cope with the harshness of actual reality. Queen Victoria was a master at this and the Victorian era was amongst the most underground and hidden depraved, subversive mess. But in polite society everything was, oh so lovely! Doctor Ramani is the Goddess of the Matrix, saving us from the hell of the falsity. Giving us back the truth and authenticity we need to heal from the wounds others refuse to see or pretend don’t exist! It is time to stop living this half-life and become whole again. I for one am Loving Doctor Ramani’s Healing Program and would recommend it to anyone, it has gone way beyond how good I expected it to be, and I knew in my bones it would be good. Thank you Doctor Ramani and your Wonderful Team. Xxxjools
Some of the most gaslighty things Ive been told over the years due to rumination was "you need to move past it and get over it, you are such a worrier, you have anxiety etc) and even being prescribed meds at times for the anxiety. Now that ive gotten older, been in therapy and able to separate from these people and then seeing their true colors I realize it wasnt just rumination it was really happening how I thought it was but was constantly being invalidated. Im dealing with the anger of that now. Its just sick that you have to take meds just to deal with abusive people, not that there was some sort of mental imbalance. I have other autoimmune and health issues now.
I can relate so much to your comment omg. I’ve been invalidated my whole life. It’s truly a horrible feeling. I have cptsd which also comes with depression and anxiety/panic disorder. Not sure if you have any past trauma but trauma gets stored in the body as well. It manifests into physical illness sooner or later in life. I figured I’d mention that since you said you have gut health issues(which usually comes from undiagnosed anxiety or unhealed trauma/trauma response). I know other adults who have these issues as well(including me) and they have a lot of trauma. When I learned this it’s like a switch flipped for me and it all made sense. I do a lot of healing on my nervous system and that’s how I fixed it my gut issues.
Just managed to separate again after a long time of narcissistic abuse. Lost most of my friends and learned the worst experience of my life. Hope it will work out this time 😢thanks Dr. Ramini, you made my day.
We need more of these comparisons and a lot of examples of healthy relationships. So many of us came from dysfunctional family systems that basically set us up for toxic, disastrous relationships because even if we know it's bad, we never experienced BETTER. The normal. The healthy. What is it like really...
I've had my fair share of narcissistic relationships, BUT NOW I actually do have a healthy relationship and I do notice the differences. In the relationship now I can joke around and be me, (as to when I was in a narcissistic relationship (if I cracked the same joke wouldn't have flown). In the relationship I'm in now I can actually tell my partner what's going on and they actually understand. Being in a narcissistic relationship, it's like being in a relationship (with a toddler who throws tantrums constantly). So, when I found this healthy relationship (with an adult, it's amazing, It's Nirvana). This is the first time in my life where I live truly the happiest. I'm floating on Cloud 9. I work so hard just to get into a relationship like this, there'd be no way I'd be going back to freaking narcissistic one hell no. I'd rather eat glass than have to go in back to a narcissistic relationship.
@@FaithfulandTrue777 Trust me I've had to deal with a crap ton of narcissus in my lifetime enough to do ten lifetimes over. I'd be scanning his energy for any signs and there aren't any.
I think these comparison studies are so valuable since victims of narc abuse often have no clue what 'normal' or 'healthy' interactions looks like. Recognizing this is important to eventually finding it.
I’ve never had anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never been scared or feel unsafe by erratic driving or calling the cops on me (like my ex did), I could usually resolve conflicts with my ex “sane” partners. A narcissistic relationship is like no other. Unless someone goes through it, they’ll never understand why we’re left traumatized.
Oh Doc. You nailed it once again and I am reminded of why I had to leave my 35 year marriage. It's been two years on my own and I have not cried for about the last year. When I left I was a shell of a human being. No self confidence, no joy, but all the doubt. Also, no physical strength. Literally a shell. Four therapists, a medium and a shaman did not help us yet after I left he told mutual friends he was blindsided. I said good bye to all of them. Thank you, doc, for this platform that is a touchstone of encouragement!
Been there with mutual friends with my ex, they said to me the abuse is just relationship problems, but i have moved on from him and them now and it feels so good not trying anymore to get them to understand💕
Yup online people always say “that’s an abuser not a narcissist” or “there can’t be that many narcissists out there”. Also when your first relationship is with a narcissist you have nothing to compare too and I think it’s easier to lose yourself and be stripped away. I feel like this happens sadly way too much in religious circles too.
I realized that I have never had a 'normal' relationship. I have only experienced Narcissistic ones, I attract them. The one relationship I thought would be normal was just a covert narcissist. So, I have just experienced all the different types.
Also over decades media, TV and society have taught us that those whirlwind relationships were supposed to be true passionate and romantic, generations were raised under this illusion.
I’ve been there too. FINALLY I had enough. Made myself accountable and stopped. It was hard but Finally I stopped. I finally LOVE MYSELF. ❤️ My last two narcs that were removed from my life was my last relationship & my mother (she’s no longer here). It was hard realizing the damage that I incurred from her but finally I had to deal with it due to underhanded steps she took before she went!
I think this highlights just how prevalent narcissistic abuse is and how many people are going through it. It has been “normalised” which is deeply sad to me. Thank you for this video Dr Ramani 🙏
I do think times are changing for the good. The word, "Narcissist" is more well know than it was 5 to 10 years ago. People like my young neice who is 21 years old knows the the term, "Narcissist and toxic relationships" She has a pretty good idea about what they are as her stepfather is a "malignant narcissist." I have also educated her about the traits of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and toxic people.
thank you for making these videos. I'm about 3 years removed from a toxic relationship with someone who was completely unwilling to help himself or work with me. every effort I made somehow worked to knock me down further. I finally broke my lease, cut my emotional ties, packed my shit and moved to a different state. I still have feelings of "I shouldn't have left, I see how he tried" etc. but I read my journals and it reminds me of the reality. it's wild how long the effects can last. Andi constantly invalidated myself when I was in the relationship bc I was always told relationships are work. I thought I was proving my love. I really appreciate your videos bc it helped empower me. I'm now in therapy and in a much healthier relationship that doesn't make me cry every other day. 💕
I have to say I’m soooo Thankful for TH-cam for bringing me DECENT AND INTELLIGENT THERAPISTS. I suffered horrendous abuse from my first husband…I tried therapy 3 times… the first 2 did SO MUCH MORE DAMAGE to me that I didn’t go back for 20 yrs. I did NOT trust ANYONE…NOT ANYONE in the Mental health field at all after those first 2 therapists…. I lucked out for 8 months. I found an amazing psychiatrist who agreed to see me like a therapist bc of what happened. What an amazing and talented Dr. Unfortunately he got physically I’ll and had to retire. It’s been years and finally I found people like YOU here. Thank God! You’ve helped me more than you will EVER KNOW, BLESS YOU ✨💫
I've heard married people make the excuse of, "Well, you're single. You don't know what it's like to be in a marriage!" and "This is normal in a marriage" as if it's some kind of badge of honor, when people outside of the marriage can clearly spot abusive behavior.
people on social media have started saying “don’t call them a narcissist when you mean abuser” and that’s very scary going forward. going as far as saying “their narcissism is a trauma response” so we should go easy on them. even had people tell me because I’m diagnosed with BPD (possibly misdiagnosed autism) that me talking about narcissistic abuse is me being hypocritical. Which for a while, had me not recognising normal relationship problems vs narcissistic relationship problems. I thought name-calling, inappropriate messages to other men, neglect and emotional abuse was all “normal”. But once I said no more, some people accused me of getting full of myself.
I totally had this problem while I was suffering from narcissistic abuse. It was a mess to deintegrate that in my brain, as I was already feeling guilty and awful from the abuse. Now people were denying my reality and I felt worse and much more guilty. You are looking from support and you find victim shaming instead. Horrible.
I'd avoid any groups where anyone can join and there's no admin to remove problem makers. I was in a group specific to Asperger's Syndrome and I left it because admin allowed anyone to join and if you reported gaslighting, they'd say "we try to adhere to free speech..." Of course it was from America so no surprises there then. Be careful and watch how support groups operate before making too many comments in them.
You are awesome Sean Lee. I can't even get my significant other to watch a few minutes of a video, much less him go and do it on his own. Kudos to you sir.
I love you so much you should not even be a doctor you should be a warrior and forgive me a politician your complete leadership and disdain for politically correct ignorance is something that I can relate to.
I just left a relationship with someone I had been seeing for about a year, and all of this really resonates with the problems we had. I’m glad I got out and can heal and grow.
Thank You For Your Direction...My Narc Had Me Outta Character For Over 38 Years. I Began Questioning My Worth,Direction and Even My Religious Beliefs as Well Sexuality
Yes. I tried to do relationship counselling with my NEX and the therapist tried to teach us fair fighting rules. But the fights weren't normal relationship fights. I was accused of stone walling because I didn't want to be verbally attacked anymore.
Gosh Do I wish I could have tossed this fantastic and clarifying video to the woman psychologist way back who told me that I should have a spanking for not wanting to have sex with my then verbally and physically abusive narcissistic husband. Unbelievable but true Need I mention that I then felt guilty. However luckily I have come a long way since then. Partly because thru following Dr Ramanis videos. Thank you 🤩
You poor baby! It's bad enough that you're going through the abuse but then a therapist validating him...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Be brave and take care of yourself!
You are genius, Dr Ramani. 100% correct. People have tendency to think the same problems, until they've got expeirences themselves with narcissists. And until right now, it makes me think unfair for the person who got abused.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and know that narcissistic abuse is real. It has and caused me to have relationships with others who was and are narcissistic. The same type of abuse is there. Thank Dr Ramani for putting this out.
Normal relationship: trusting your partner to make the right choices for both of you.
Narcissistic relationship: knowing that your partner will make the right choices for himself/herself only.
Knowing your partner has calculated the choice to give you the worst possible experience or make you appear bad to others.
Ahh..very well put!
Exactly
Exactly…
This was mine.
Narcissistic relationship problems are far more extreme and far more damaging to your health.
Narcissists will destroy your health!
@@realhealing7802 I concur 🏃🏃🏾♀️🏃🏃
yes because it's emotional and "identity" abuse, regular relationships have problems also but the people aren't emotionally abusive and aren't trying to invade the persons mind. It can really mess with your head and emotions when you don't know what it is. In a narcissistic relationships there is no "real" partner there, it can be pretty shocking when one first understands this. Healthy relationships people respect each others boundaries, emotions and opinions/wishes, have empathy for each other and solve issues in a much more mature way. Narcissistic abuse does not feel good.
I agree with you @Narc Survivor. I’m sick and under stalking and smear campaign
@@maisumsobreviventedeabuson5277 I wish you more self love, peace and joy 🙏
I LEFT HIM, I FINALLY DID !!! HOORAY 👏👏👏🎉🎉🎉 and yes, this channel hase give me the strength and when it gets though, i watch one of those videos again and i feel a little stronger again. Thanks u so so much!!!!
This channel did the same for me. Congrats. Keep watching even after you have left. The outside world will try to convince you, you were just mistaken. Keep watching. Also again, Congrats.
💪💪💪
Good for you ☺️ take care of you
Congratulations!!! 🎊 👏 💐 🥳 🎊
Well done. Your comment made me smile 💕 I hope you’re doing well
You never feel completely safe enough to just be yourself. Even on "good" days, you watch what you say and how you say it.
Omg yes !!! Even a joke that you want to tell them , you have to really process how they’ll react to it
Oh yes. The walking on eggshells with absolutely everything never stops. It took me weeks to figure out whether to tell my narc. sister that I'm pregnant. I the end I was more or less forced and guess what? 2 weeks later she all out of the blue blocked me and chose to go no contact...
The "good days" are the worst because you're caught off guard...then you get blamed for ruining a perfectly good day.
Normal, stable relationships, even if they don't work out, are not exhausting, draining, and soul crushing like a relationship with a narcissist.
Amen.
I felt drained more and more as it went on. Was I the problem? I feel like I lost a great person for some reason while at the same time I felt paranoid the whole time.. my wife before her, was a bad narc. This one, my head is spinning because of the good things she did. Idk who was the problem but I feel like I’m a good person who has some trust issues that I just started to go to therapy for.
Emotional abuse is very sneaky. You don't even realize it is happening to you until you crash mentally or the abuse becomes very scary.
You are so right. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself. I lost weight, my eyes were sad, I was exhausted on the verge of mental collapse. I had to reach my breaking point and say no more. I had to love myself enough to walk away.
True
This is what happened to me didn’t know. Until I was losing myself. Got to a point where I didn’t want to come home. Got tired of regular conversations leading to arguments and him ragging.
@@x_lindsay28 exactly how I feel the silent treatment has given me peace
@@NettieKay yeah I had my first panic attack in a narc relationship it was the worst feeling everrr
In a regular relationship both parties act like adults, the feelings of both parties matter, both will admit when they are wrong, and there will be no verbal or physical abuse. Abuse is NOT normal and never justifiable.
Amen to that!
Well said! The relationship with my Narcissistic ex never felt mutual. It was never a partnership.
@@lisar.7291 so true
Wow. Truth!
@Emma Seafrey I tried to explain this to people after I left, how he always treated me like I was his personal assistant.
A narcissistic relationship is on a whole different level of conflict. There can never be any resolution to these conflicts. It’s pure hell.
They don’t WANT resolution. They are more invested in having power than having compromise
So true. I used to think to myself everyday, "What is the problem going to be today?" It was hellish. Knowing that
a major blowout is going to happen but you don't know what the trigger is going to be, if any. They might just launch.
My theory is that because narcs do the whole "Jekyll and Hyde" thing so effectively no one believes the victim.
Exactly….the more I speak about solution, the more I repeat it assuming he genuinely doesn’t get it….turns out he just hears everything but refuse to corporate….and when I started to be upset and my voice slightly raised…he said “calm down, why you have to raise your voice?” …..this puts me off every time. I was trying to be heard, and looks like he is watching me suffering without feeling any empathy.
@@Rainnyparadise That is what they do Rainny, it is the oldest trick in the book. It is a toxic brew of gas-lighting, dismissiveness, and blame-shifting.
He IS watching you suffer and he does NOT have a scintilla of empathy. Not only is he unsympathetic to your situation, he is causing it for his
own sick psychological needs. Of course, as soon as your tone becomes the least bit exasperated by their constant BS, YOU are the crazy one!!!
@@steviea427 🙏🏻 This is very demoralizing and soul crushing at best....to know that someone you believed love you, in fact you don't mean that much to them...It's still hard truth to swallow....that there are such people who appear the best to others, treat their said-loved one without soul.
My wife was in a toxic relationship for fifteen years before I met her. She was so trauma bonded to her ex that it was difficult for her to leave the relationship. Thank you so much for helping me to understand why she had a hard time leaving that relationship. Your work is indispensable to the understanding of these relationships. You are a gift. Thank you again.
Please treat her right. It is extraordinarily damaging to try to manage a narc. You WILL break yourself trying if you have stayed for years and years trying to make it work. Be patient with her and partner with her. Do NOT lie to her or deceive her ! Massive triggers.
Did her trauma bonded past troubled your relationship in anyway?
You are such a great guy! The fact that you are trying to better understand your wife’s struggle really shows how compassionate you are!
Years, before I met her
Wow she’s lucky to have u.a person who’s obviously interested in where she’s coming from instead of judging her.
What drives me crazy is when people say, "well it takes two to tango". Somehow implying that I am responsible for bringing about abusive behavior. There's one to add to the proverb list!
I always go. Yup, perpetrator and victim.
Yes, this is not true. A quote where I live says: Even the most pious can't live in peace, when the evil neighbor doesn't like it.
If you have unhealed childhood traumas like abandonment etc - you are most like gonna attract a narcissist and fall for their love bombing. As a survivor myself, it was important I started doing shadow work and heal myself so I can identify parts of me that need to be healed so I don't fall for narcissists ever again
My Grandmother used to say " it takes two to tango" but she only said it when one of her 8 daughters would cry about being pregnant again . Never about abuse. About abuse she would say " you can't choose how someone treats you but if you never do anything to change your situation, you eventually lose the right to complain and begin getting comfortable with being a victim". She had 10 children and left her abuser in a time when it was almost unheard of. I love my grandmother and her advice came from experience ❤ She also said to not battle with idiots and the truth will always come out in the wash.
Hey, that's what my narcissistic husbands father said after my husband went to jail for beating me for the baby waking him up. Well I was a bit snarky and told him to put a binki in the babies mouth or make him a bottle
The "all relationships are hard" rhetoric kept me in my abusive relationship for way longer than I wanted to stay. Gaslighting myself... sigh...
Thank you for being a guiding light in the recovery process ❤
Or "all relationships are dysfunctional"...
Yup. Or like my MIL said how she went through a lot in her relationship and she stuck it out. All while he was passed out drunk on Thanksgiving.
OMG, yes, I was always walking on eggshells afraid of the next explosive narcissistic rage attack! And when I tried to reason with the narc, I was gaslighted.
I can relate.
@@LOKI77able Sometimes there are issues in relationships (actually there is always going to be), but when one or both sides don't approach them with empathy there is more going on in the "backdrop".
You have given me a superpower Dr Ramani. When the smear campaign started I stayed strong and I finally got to see who my real friends were. Without your videos I’d never have been able to understand what was happening to me. Thank you for everything you gorgeous human! ❤️❤️
Amen! Dr. Ramani opened my eyes also. She is our Angel. God bless Dr. Ramani.
Agreed 💯%
Amen!
Me too! Step daughter is a Narc. Her hubby too.
@Terri Rivera I wish you the very best in your journey to more self discovery, healing and transformation! I wish you massive success!
Somehow, i dont "care " anymore about people who dont get it, good for them. I just cant loose my time any longer trying to explain or looking for validation. Life is to short for that. It feels lonely but here i am holding hands with you all (from all over the world). It is a universal public health issue, Good to be able to talk about it and to listen to.. thank you Dr. RAMANI for the knowledge and this space.
Some people will never get it. That's their loss.
Thank you! It is lonely, I feel like I'm surrounded by entitled people and narcs in every direction! I'm so sad. We all need a hand to hold and a hug and to know we are not alone.
@@legalservices8856 Keeping educated is key. Dr. Ramini is changing history as we speak.
I seeked validation for EVER. Like the opening lyrics of a breaking Benjamin song called without you, it says search for the answers I knew all along. We all know what's right and wrong and what to do. Seeking validation will leave you by yourself and never feeling worthy enough. I'd rather have my shit together and be alone. Then be invalidated and have no support.
Carmila, I’ve given up trying to get people to see, I’ve tried and I know I have tried, and to me, that all that matters now, that I’ve tried…and I know their time will come when they get it, just might not be on my watch, just some time in the future, when they are ready to REALLY hear it.
How buoyant did I feel in my next relationship when she apologised, admitted she was wrong and thanked me for talking it through so she could see it from another perspective.
An apology? Not being blamed? Not being told how reality actually is?
It's so weird but awesome.
Oh my gosh, thats sounds like an actual mature adult lol. It would be nice to know what that feels like. What you are describing is like the Holy Grail of what victims want so badly from their narcissist partners, but will never get.
Good for you and anyone else who has been able to heal a little 🥳
I need a woman like that.
Oh my god I’m so glad I read your comment. A simple thing like an apology seems like a fresh breeze. Not the word sorry just said in a passing tone after you’ve lost countless hours in getting stressed but one where your partner actually sits down with you and explain.
I had the same experience. My ex never apologized or recognized when she would do the very things that she’d accuse me of. Minor arguments escalated into full-blown fights if I didn’t agree with her, so I would agree just to move on. I hoped she would show me the same respect, but it never came. The ‘agreements’ were irreversible, forever moving in her favour.
Like a ratchet, ‘click’, she tightened her grip, ‘click’, with every dispute, ‘click’, every argument, ‘click-click’, and every fight, ‘click-clack-zzZZip’. When I relate these stories to my partner, she worries, recognizing that she’s treated me unkindly on occasion, but I always reassure her that it’s different. I tell her the fact that she can hear the story and reflect on her behaviour sets her apart. Moreover, she’ll recognize it in the moment and just completely turn herself around and laugh.
I have my mean moments too. When I would reflect on my own behaviour and apologize, modelling the behaviour I hoped to see, my ex would hold it against me instead. Just another example of how she was a better person. Not that she would believe me either. After all, she knew me better than myself and would generally prefer her version of who I was than actually pay attention to the human being in front of her. My current partner, she thanks me ❤😢. I well up just thinking about it. Imagine how badly someone needs to fuck you up to be brought to tears when an apology is met with love and trust. When an apology isn’t used to score points in a game that they created and continuously rig in their favour.
This this this . What is draining me is this perpetual blame. It's always my fault. Even things completely unrelated to me are irrationally put squarely on my head and I'm punished for them😊
It's so much about them being in CONTROL!!!!!!!!! A Narcissist wants complete control in every corner of the relationship as POSSIBLE!! I grew up with a mother who is ONE!! I am so thankful for you DR. Ramani.
There is no peace in narcissistic relationships. It’s a constant cycle of good days and bad days. A narcissistic relationship has no team spirit - there is no “us”, it’s you vs them.
In contrast, a healthy relationship feels like home, a soft place to land. It fills your cup instead of draining it. Spending time with your partner feels refreshing, not exhausting. When issues come up, there is a genuine interest in correcting them instead of gaslighting, devaluing and minimizing.
I was married to a narcissist for many years and whenever I complained about his behaviour, I would hear “no one is perfect, he just doesn’t know any better, maybe you should try xyz, it’s a guy thing, or give it time.”
Today is my 26th anniversary and everything you have said here is my life. I am exhausted and want out - however well meaning friends and family say things like 'think about the kids', 'at least he is not hitting you', 'all men are like that, so rather the devil you know'
And everything in my being is screaming NO...Enough...😰
@@shoshotichareva4147 27 yrs here. But kids have finally gone, and I've finally found out what he is.
I'm not sure if yours ever throws 'well let's just get divorced' when he does, call his bluff, say if that's what you want fine, move into a kids/spare room.
Start getting your ducks lined up and speak to battered women's re a benefit, alimony, safe house etc.
If you own a home, in nz if you stay, the govt pay your mortgage, but he has to leave. Mine never would. Always tried to kick me out.
Well.. This time, I'm going.
But it isn't always easy.
Just start getting some plans together so when he tries to throw u out, or discards u, u have a plan.
Good luck
Its so hard to break a family up, but he's breaking u.
They get worse with age.
Fyi!
Saame.. i heard all those phrases from my ex too.
Can’t say it better just how my sister says it but doesn’t know what it is to be with a narcissistic husband but don’t care no more for anyone to understand I feel it I get it and this videos help me understand it’s real I didn’t make it up I’m not crazy that’s why it never felt right but didn’t have a name for it
Yup. Every time I called out my narc mom’s behavior she’s say “well no one’s perfect”. And I’ve had (some well meaning) family members say “well that’s just her personality”. She dominated the family so much, and I think she was too exhausting for people care to deal with her. Then she complains that no one wants to be around her and acts the victim.
I have been told my whole life that "all families have problems," I understand this now is enabling. The person who sees and speaks the truth, ends up internalizing this pain. Extremely hard on the body.
Yes! and she calls it scapegoating. Scapegoats have a hard time, I know this well. hang in there and find someone who understands and or a therapist so you aren't isolated in confusion.
Iv'e been to counseling. Yet, I AM internalizing the pain. I know it's not right, but I am quite alone and it's hard to keep my head above water. No one but no one understands how deep and entangled it goes. I don't even find much comfort in these videos. I need someone who understands and won't downplay just how bad it is.
Good part about me? My love has no end. Bad part about me? My love has no end.
Yesss!
@@nicoleh.5499 try Jesus!
He is everything we are ALL looking for!🙏😊
@@nicoleh.5499 I understand you. I feel the same is my problem…but pls save the love you have for yourself. You too deserve love you give.
Exactly! A narcissistic relationship is totally not like a regular relationship. It totally destroyed me and messed me up.
Its messed me up too, you are not alone.
@@1985gooz me three
Sorry I hope you get better soon.
@@michele0324 6 years. My head is so screwed up I dont even know who i am anymore.
I feel the same - I can't imagine ever dating again after going through this.
Only someone who had lived through the insanity of a relationship with a Narcissistic Relationship can fully understand how detrimental and insidious it truly is. I was stuck for 18 years, lost everything... my family, money, friends, freedom, health and sanity. I lost the very essence of my being, I became a person I did not even recognize..... I could tell you all the "craziest" stories of what I lived. Narcissist is the new "in word", people use it FAR too loosely. 5 Years free now, rebuilt my life the best I could for myself and my daughters, but there is still residual trauma in all of us. Thank you Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness of dealing with a person who has "true" Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
34 years for me and not out yet.
I have no memory of who I was before this. Rather like having amnesia I guess and hopefully someday slowly relearning who I was and am.
I agree the word is very abused and used in wrong context these days. Rather like the word “bullying”.
Five years! I’m proud of you.
I too will lose everything and nobody will understand how I could leave such a” great guy. “
I happened upon a TH-cam video and I discovered just one year ago, what this madness is that I have been fighting with for all these years. Man is it a nightmare now that I don’t fall in line like I used to.
me too
Sounds like my story
Very well said. Goddess Bless you Always. Blessed Be 🌟
Key- Not regular relationships problem!!! The constant invalidation, lies, gas lighting, anxiety…constantly filing issues under “communication problems”. Slow bleeding away. This is on point!!! Some therapists doesn’t offer support.
After my divorce I saw a psychologist for nearly a year and she believed I had been psychologically abused for years. I was shocked, and said "no, he could be really nice". I didn't understand what narcissism was then. But what comes to mind is when I described myself as a puddle in a corner slowly evaporating. I was blamed for everything and became a nothing. Thank you Dr Ramani for your wisdom - I'm rehydrating slowly but surely! Best wishes.
I am experiencing this now. kind of in a frozen state. ....
I thought she loved me, she said so....I didn't know how much I was abused on many different levels then she eventually robbed me blind while I was out of town...
@@belight6280 narcs are con artists deep down and know it...
Would you say that he had “streams of narcissism running through his life”? Cuz I’m realizing that my former husband (32 years) acted in narcissistic ways but other times he wasn’t at all. Is that how your relationship was?
@@suzannemartin6817 my guess is you didn't understand his motivations in those pleasant times and he may have been getting supply from another source, say job, a new friend, a hobby group or other women and was less involved and causing drama for you so it seemed peaceful u til something unexpected happened with that source of supply and so he got to cracking on the negative supply or even frustration supply he could get from you and your family. That is why the coverts and mildly malignants/.easily distracted types are harder to figure out so you stay longer and keep wondering. How to get out of the intermittent abuse and back to what felt ok or even good. They are always Ian cycles if idealization, devalue and discard with some Hoover thrown in with someone and you may be shelved and with them and not know you are not the main supply at the time so you think you have just reached a stage of contentment in your relationship but really you unknowingly are irrelevant during those moments in their lives. You are at best an after thought and thats when if you say oh remember and such and such they cannot. They were not really paying attention but going through the motions then and being pleasant but we're totally distracted so they have no clue. That's one of the first signs was the memory issues and then if I pressed it I got a mean and passive aggressive response. I literally thought he had early dementia or something. But he always was secretive and feigned incompetence and never considerate of his kids needs and feelings. It got much worse with age and he was also becoming more into conspiracy theories and trolling people online and taking up strange new interests and hobbies that seemed odd until I realized he was mirroring new supply he met online and morphing into twins of them and seeming odd to us based on who we thought he was and what he liked. As he got older things got out of hand and uncovering his secret lives out us all at danger and he pretended to want help and win is back but it was a stall tactic really and cruel. He got more threatening and violent and erratic so I thought he was in drugs or Bipolar for a long while but once I read about covert malignant narcissist it all made total sense and I knew no amount of love and understanding could help him. My son's knew and said I should stop trying. It was a relief to hear I had their permission and blessing to stop trying. Mom you can stop now was the best thing I had heard in years and it came out of the mouths of my boys. But maybe your person was only a narc when he was high on supply or low. Have heard of those types too. Where they only show that side when at an extreme in supply. Mine was grandiose when supply was high and very bossy and optimistic and was pathetic and wanting sympathy and depressed when supply was taken away or low...my life is worst work is me or after he would lose supply I didn't know about. Hope this helps and hope the original poster replies to you
8:18 Frozen is the perfect way to describe how I felt for years. I was literally paralyzed. I knew better, I wanted better, but I was addicted to the rush of finally earning the approval I was seeking. But I was stuck in the cycle. This is not something others understand unless they’ve been in it. I wish I didn’t understand at times but my focus is now on healing.
Same!! And you are right.. people don't understand unless they have lived it
Yes! I was stuck in a cycle too. You are not alone.
@@realhealing7802 when you take a step back and really recognize the behavior and the pattern is a real eye opener
You just summed me up, thank you for helping me understand my actions!
Man I hate that I can relate 😩
“Oh, that’s just him being a guy.”
“All men do that. He’s just having fun. Don’t be so hard on him.”
“He’s just going through a mid-life crisis. Give him space. He’ll come around.”
So much of my experience was couched in unhealthy, societal misogyny.
That's where other men in the company of an asshole need to grow a pair of balls and put him in his place. Guys that do that are progression of the school bully in adulthood. You see it when guys try to single out females for a sort of 18th century servile position in the group, I've seen a regularly unemployed moron make demands of a female med student by continuing to demand she get him a beer like a good woman. She was too polite and a bit intimidated and actually done it. Eventually my cousin and I openly decided to discuss the fact that the asshole should get us all beer and clean up after for spare change seeing as he needs the work. He quietly left after 30 minutes of looking at his phone in a sulk.
Oh my gosh!! My mom “That’s how men are ..”
When some guy at my dads work was trying to molest my sister!!! WOAH!!!! So not ok!!! That’s how PEDOPHILES are!!!
The excuses we make to deal with bad behavior is unacceptable. No one gets a free pass for being evil.
My favorite from my mother
( “you wanted to be in a relationship right ?”)
That's just Jimmy being Jimmy! (said about Saviile, when abusing nephew in same room as his parents)
“Narcissistic relationships are a slow bleeding away of you...” SO TRUE
“He is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. You are over sensitive and needy. Your relationship sounds normal to me.” One therapist told him he isn’t responsible for my emotions and he’s doing nothing wrong. That’s when I stopped sharing my marital struggles and stayed in the narcissistic relationship. I truly believed I wasn’t doing enough and the disfunction was my fault.
Maybe you do have a part in it.
I am sorry the other commenter said that. This is really not the place for that. It's gasoline to someone truly experiencing it.
The fact that person didn't consider appropriate context nullifies any validity for you to doubt yourself based on their comment.
Just work on you, with your own therapist to find out what you can improve. Sometimes therapists lack skill and experience in this specialty..
I am responsible for my behavior, including leaving, and I'm not to blame for his behavior. Did the therapist at least hold him accountable for his behavior, including words?
@@ThrivePurpleHeart what this therapist didn’t see is the Jekyll and Hyde personality at home. He did an outstanding job lying through his teeth. He stopped attending sessions because he’s perfect and the sooner I understand that, the happier I will be. I’ve since learned he’s a covert narcissist. Now that I’m out of the marriage and becoming healthier everyday, words from others are just words. Thank you for your encouragement.
@@alexarihani2902 no one causes narcissistic abuse, dont revictimize
@@alexarihani2902 you’re definitely the narcissist here
"it's just a regular relationship problem" - until you wake up 2 decades later and realize your relationship has not changed for the better but for the worse. You've become a shell of yourself bordering on losing everything about "you".
IMHO, narcissistic abuse MUST be included in the high school curriculum to bring the younger generation the knowledge and awareness that such vile people do exist and can essentially rob you of life. Give the younger generation a better chance to live a "normal" un-abused life.
Amen!!
Wish kids were taught communication skill sets in gradeschool
I agree 1000000%. But, can you imagine the chaos & outrage among narcissistic parents, at their children being taught that life-saving ciriculum. I can imagine it now: news channels reporting on parents & others picketing outside of the schools, against the teaching of narcissism; and stuff like supreme court decisions reported on this, etc. We all know how much we'd have to fight for this. But I think it would be worth the fight.
I AGREE! Prevention is key, just like we educate about drug abuse; we need to educate on emotional abuse- starting with narcissism because it can be so subtle at first. Ramani: any ideas on how this could fit into high school curriculum?
@@GG-ul8ne LET them picket! They will be outing themselves so all the better.
In healthy relationships we don’t need to think about every little word we are going to say when we are going to address any issue with our partner, there’s no anxiety to be honest and authentic. It isn’t always the same pattern of trying to get a problem solved and being kind of punished for exactly that, that’s how I had it in a relationship with. a narcissist .
Punished for trying to save the relationship 😔 punished for giving a damn about it!
You explained my relationship in a nutshell. The confrontation before the showdown in person had me always on edge & anxious. Rehearsing what I should & should not say. Making sure I had proof (to “back up my opinions”) but that was never good enough because they were a master of manipulation and could gaslight a lie detector. I was so thankful looking back @ the discard, the devil set me free from his contrived rollercoaster of a “relationship”. It was hell on Earth. Never again!
Yes! I literally stop mid-sentence to really really think and then find a screenshot or anything that proved or made what I was saying "true."
It took me so many years to realize that I wasn't living with a normal person. Every counselor assumed he was normal. But literally everything you are told to do to improve a relationship with a normal person will only make the relationship with a narcissist worse and worse.
Thanks so much! I as a psychotherapist, after knowing the Narcissist was still hurting the victim during the family therapy time, and their unhealthy interactions behind my session, I terminated the Narcissist immediately due to his unchanging nature, and the “conflict of interest” and I only focused on the victim’s C-PTSD recovery! The thing is the Victim still in Trauma Bound and I had to really work on empowering her!
I followed all the advice I was given by friends, councillors, a mediator and online forums. I only had a handful of reasonable requests, one of which was to stop being verbally and emotionally abusive. I didn't use those words of course, but after 6 months, you know what finally stopped the abuse? A restraining order after she assaulted me.
I can’t imagine how life is for people who grew up in a safe environment without a toxic family member
Some of what you said almost made me cry. When you said that the gaslighting, manipulation and emotional abuse can get filed under communication problems. When you said it's a slow death of losing yourself and self-confidence.. That's what I've just been going through. We would argue and she would start shouting, not letting me speak. This eventually turned into me being accused of harping on the need for proper communication. Deflection, projection, gaslighting, bullying.. And in the end, I thought I might be unfair, too critical, too sensitive, or maybe that I was the narcissist myself. All the accusations that were thrown at me. I found some information on narcissism. Ironically I was studying up since she had accused me of being one. I kept the possibility in my mind that she did not want to have mature, respectful communication. I went in expecting that she will try to trigger me into blowing up. This did end up being her strategy. I did not react and I could see the confusion on her face. Wouldn't anyone be happy to say something difficult and have their partner react calmly and maturely? Everything was happening so predictably.. She got even more intense. I continued finding my confidence and not letting her anger me into acting irrationally. Well.. She left me a few days ago. A month ago, she seemed so concerned that we were fighting too often. I found my inner peace, stopped arguing, stopped yelling back. We stopped fighting. Well, I stopped fighting. It's what she said she wanted but was obviously the last thing she wanted. For me to be in control of myself again. Even in the last few days, sometimes I wonder if I f#^%ed up. I feel I am a pretty confident, strong-minded person. And even so, the self-doubt caused by this abuse is incredibly powerful. I'm not sure what state I would be in right now without this channel. Thank you for having made all of these videos and sharing them with all of us. Probably countless people you have helped out there.
Love to the narcissists who are sad and hurting inside and hurt us in turn. They are stuck in a horrible trap. We don't need to stay in the trap with them, though. So love and strength to everyone who is or was suffering at their hands.
Going through this,it's now 8yrs this channel has really helped mi,soon I will be happy again
Wow keep strong and congratulations on breaking free! Well done. Also amazing that you send so much love to everyone including the narcissists while having endured so much.
Thankyou, i feel most of what you wrote i also questioned if i am the narcissist i still do sometimes but i never yell i always try to resolve things but they never get resolved and then i let go thinking maybe i am wrong or i am thinking too much or i am oversensetive
Good for you. I’m seeing all the text book behaviors too. I’ve stopped reacting and he’s getting louder. Expecting the discard soon.
I’d love to have regular relationship problems, logical conversations and calm negotiations leading to practical solutions/agreeing to disagree. Even a ‘safe’ remark about the weather can lead to a meltdown.
Too true
And they never believe in working ‘as a team’
Yes to all this
I once said "I look ugly in all photos" (just a self-esteem/insecuriry of mine) while I was holding a camera - he reacted as if I had just called him ugly and got angry/annoyed, gave silent treatment & refused to take any selfies with me.
Truly mind boggling what could trigger a narc.
Agree waking up everyday not knowing what would happen, losing yourself, walking on egg shells, avoiding even the most basic relationship convos.
My family think I am wrong to call him Narc & from their pov it was just a regular normal bad relationship that ended so I should just be over it already and move on. Narcs leave long term damage that may never fully heal.
@@5pointview717 It’s hard when you don’t feel even your closest family has your back; you know you better than anyone else, so you do you! 💖😊💖
I think the time you are most vulnerable to fall for a naricissistic relationship is your first love because of lack of experience.Happened to me and many friends of mine…
Enough said!🥂👌
Sounds about right . My only bf met him 17 years ago. Had our daughters. I was so commitment or comfortable. Bye bye
And they are fully aware of that: groomed at 14yrs he was 25!
Also when you are born by one
So true. I was 22 and he 31. 15 years later I'm only grateful for my two boys and the lessons learnt so I never experience this again, and teach my boys how to truly love and treat their future spouses.
Now that I’ve been in recovery and am starting to date it’s so different. Healthy men go at a slow pace and as a survivor it’s an odd feeling. I’m used to that love bombing and at first not getting bombarded with calls and text and pop up visits I was feeling neglected at first. But I’m learning. Just a side note I’ve been in therapy for quite awhile with a trauma specialist. I suggest waiting before dating so you don’t fall for another narc.
All of my relationships with narcs got very serious very fast. When I would ask for space I would get told that I did not care enough about them or the relationship.
@@JC-bu6vl it’s crazy how they get in our heads and hearts 💕 they always know what to say to push that button so their needs get met 🤬 hang in there tho. You got this!
The adrenalin rush... I get how you might have found it a bit slow and dull. Handy to know for my future! Dull is fine, if I feel safe, I trust them, I'm not walking on egg shells. Then I can take dull way way up a notch!!
I'm glad you have attracted healthy men. I've been in therapy for years and still attract narcs, including female friends. Honestly, sometimes I feel like staying home and not meeting people as I'm just sick of it. I can't shake that deep belief that I am not worthy of love. My Mum is a narc. Best of luck and well done for cracking this cycle.
“Narcissistic relationships are a slow bleeding away of you” 💯💯💯💯
Your last words hit me my Narc husband is a beast , a nasty miserable , joy sucking beast. I wish I had the courage to get out. But I don’t want to upset the whole family dynamic . Grown children, now grandkids . I m in it 39 years . I be been wanting to leave for a long time but just can’t bring myself to do it. I applaud all of you who have that strength
As usual you are head on correct. I've had real loving relationships. And a narcissistic relationship is pure hell. You don't even know who you are any more. You don't care if the sun doesn't rise in the mornings. You eventually feel that death is better than continuing on with this person. You eventually consider suicide. But I for one will not let my soul be taken. These people are demon possessed and the only solution is to separate from this person and cut them out of your life. They will never change, no matter the love you feel for them. They are not capable of loving you. No matter how much you pray for them, no matter how much love you show them, no matter what you do. Get away and don't look back.
Thank you!
Oh how true this is!
Yes!!!! It is a dark energy that takes and takes and takes and never gives until you are sick both inside and out . Cutting off a narc is like opening funeral curtains and letting the warm beautiful sunlight of life back in !🦋
Living with a narcissist is just a question ofrelationships.
The aha for me was when I finally noticed that all the issues I experienced with non narcissistic people would be quickly and reasonably resolved while the only "resolution" I could expect with my parents or.my. ex was doing what they wanted when they wanted whenever they wanted it!
There was no accountability for any harm done and EVERYTHING was somehow my fault...also not true in my other relatioships.
Exactly! I never had problems with my friends that couldn't be resolved. You can never fix a problem with a narcissist. You can only give the what they want for peace. It is not a relationship it is a bad situation.
Exactly. I’ve just filed for divorce from my narcissist wife. I only stayed for these last long 7 years because we have a child. I always thought things would change but instead it got worse. She played the sweet fun girl until after the engagement. Arguments would make my head spin because while I’ve had bad relationships before, none of them had the arguments and mental destruction this one has. She would spark arguments over the most trivial things, then devalue me and even bring up private/personal things I previously told her in discussions. Wow. Then she’d storm off, sleep like a baby and wake up the next day as if nothing happened. Apologies? I can count on 3 fingers how many times it happened and it was always awkward. I’m looking forward to the sanity and freedom even if there will be a rocky road before the peace. 🙏🙏🙏
Over 14 years I gave & gave & gave until there was literally nothing left of me by the time I left 11 months ago.
Completely agree with her difference between a normal and narcissistic relationship. My brain has fried with this guy.
Gosh, you described the literal last year of my life so accurately. I became such an anxious person. I'd wake up stressing about this relationship I was in even when there was nothing appearing to be wrong on the surface.. It's like my body and mind were always in this state of alarm and urgency, fight or flight. I was always preparing and waiting for the next thing that would set him off and make him fly into a rage. I was ALWAYS preparing myself to brace for some sort of damage or impact whether it was physical, emotional, or mental. I ended up in the ER 2-3 times over all of the anxiety I was experiencing from being in this kind of relationship. It was terrible, just awful. I never felt so exhausted, overwhelmed, confused, disoriented, stressed, and sad as I was being in a narcissistic relationship.
A relationship with a narcissist isn't normal. I spent most of my life walking on egg shells trying to keep the peace. No one should have to be stressed out all the time. These relationships literally cause health problems. This is not a normal relationship!
Stress makes you sick. They suck your life away
Great video. 100% accurate. This is not "bussines as usual". I couldn't help but crying whilst listening to your words. Thank you for the validation no other therapist gave me. From the bottom of my heart.
I'm finally free. Thank you for saving my life. 💕
omg she is so spot on about how you cling to the good times in the present bc you appreciate those nice moments as you know the cycle will repeat. it's so so so predictable.
I've tried everything. I speak to him in a completely different way than how he speaks to me. I emphasize my feelings, try my best to assure him there's no blame, heck they might not be rational I say, it's just how I feel. but he asserts and assumes my thoughts, motivations and inventions and they're always the worst. when he's struggling with shit then everyone else is miserable or there's unspoken tension. sometimes he expresses shame for his actions, claiming he doesn't want to be his dad who was a tyrannical covert narcissist too. he flipped out when I brought up how emotionally abusive he was several years ago and on occasion when I've snapped since then. he mocks the very notion, "I don't abuse you, I've been through hell giving you the gd world and you show no appreciation or respect and you don't treat me like a husband but subhuman" (yes that's about exactly verbatim as I've heard it hundreds of times in 13 years I'm sure). I hate always being the problem, the excuse for him to snap and have a bad day when I make a silly mistake or accidentally left a mess out in the kitchen on the day he decides he wants to cook himself a 5 course meal. I'm always on eggshells during these bad periods.
AMEN I lost everything was homeless and almost killed. I pray that people listen.
I was always told “you’re just too sensitive”. Well, anyone would be if treated the same way!
My ex used to say that to me when I called him out on his abuse. He would say “we just argue like normal couples” but by that time I knew he was trying to gaslight me. Thank you Doctor Ramani
The thing I notice the most since my separation of 14 years with my ex is that I was always exhausted. I'd go to work exhausted. Just the ups and downs of emotions and the anxiety connected with it had me SO tired. When the victim complex came out and my having to show compassion exhausted me. Now that she's gone I'm a single parent with full custody, I've taken a higher paying job with more responsibility (for a company that's understaffed) and I still feel MORE energy when I get home.
Incredible
"You constantly question your reality" reminded me of what it was like living with a narcissistic roommate. At the time, I did not understand what was going on. I knew I was upset often and frustrated, but I thought - because I have been told to be more assertive (i'm very non-confrontational) - that I had a problem with communicating with people. It never occurred to me that I could communicate just fine with the other 2 roommates. We were all friends, but only 2 of the roommates engaged in actual give-and-take, empathy, respect, responsibility, mutual friend stuff. The 3rd roommate had me thinking it was my fault (my poor communication skills). So, yup. Always ask other people, unrelated distant people. (lucky for me, i had a childhood friend who was a psychiatrist. he gave me free advice and it was eye opening)
Thats who they are
Losing yourself can be subtle, so you really have to pay attention to how you feel 💜
I thought my relationship problems with my narcissistic ex were normal as well, until I finally walked away and realized that my ex never compromised, never apologized, and never valued me for anything but what I could materialistically provide for her. She would always change the narrative to shift the blame to me. Like “I told you this, but actually it was this, but I know you are too sensitive to handle it so I kept it from you.” You are always confused when you are with them.
Definitely always unsure don’t know to think clearly we either over or over think
The mental and emotional abuse is real and very damaging . The narc I experienced a lot of self doubt and insecurities arise even on top of that of my own which was done on purpose soo much controlling isolation gossip drama it’s just wasn’t worth I gave too much of myself boundaries self and gods love period I’m never betraying myself again
Yes!
Yess !! She made me feel like I was going crazy half of the time , I was always so confused with everything
Omg. This!!!!
Dr Ramani is so right. She described my childhood to a T. I used to feel my mom was okay to be around about 10-15% of the time. The other 85%, it was exactly as Dr Ramani said. Because of that, I’d never known what it was like to have a sense of self, I literally never had that before. My mom ruined my dad’s life, it’s sickening to realize it now. When you come upon a narc, it’s a monster you cannot win against. I’m saving this video to my library because our good Dr is amazingly perceptive and spot on. This was my life.
When you grow up around narcissists you normalize their bad behavior. I thought everyone lived like us. I finally left my toxic family. Narcissists don't change.
@@realhealing7802 me as well. But we escaped, thankfully. Keep on healing.
My problem has been listening to flying monkeys who’ve said, “all relationships are hard,at least he has money”. They had absolutely no idea.
I'm a Therapist and You're Exactly Right on what you said about Therapists- I brought them issues- and they had No clue and Were blaming the Victim...and These were Therapists!
I definitely feel like no one believes me when I talk about how narcissistic my parents are. They aren't just difficult, they are horribly abusive. I just have to accept that I'm the only one who could possibly know the truth. But it sure gets lonely.
I can so relate to this. Knowing I’m the only one (in my family) who knows the truth and it’s an ugly truth. It does get lonely, but I so relate. You’re not alone in this.
Ditto.same here both parents are narcissistic and so is my brother. On the otherhands im a super empath and ended up marrying a narcissist then divorced and married another narcissists and i feel like the whole world around me attracts narcissistic people. Too bad i didn’t know dr Ramani before, because i went through so much narcissistic abuse throughout my 9 month pregnancy i just can’t explain it in words. They literally bring you to your grave
I can relate. To maintain one's sanity one looses not just the parents but all the enablers(flying monkeys) and the entire cult that perpetuates and supports the abuse.
Similar situation. My mom is such a "pure angel" for everyone, but nobody knows the terrible truth and how she can hurt my heart. Nobody would even believe it. Professional therapists and people who are going through the same pain can understand that. With age, verbal and manipulative hurts are her weapon, and when I was a child got through physical abusive relationship. She is kind of combination narcissist with the features of psychopath. Ironically, she has totally different approach towards my younger sister, because my younger sister is exact copy of my mom. She can't get nothing from her.
My younger sister is hurting her older daughter, that hurts my heart for my lovely niece.
@@cyn_thee I married one and divorced. Met another one, seemed INCREDIBLE! Perfect, right? Fast forward a few months and the gaslighting, lies, deflection, manipulation all become apparent. I think the one before my marriage showed signs of it too but I had never really read or knew about narcissism at that time.
Lately, I have wondered why I seem to attract them as well. I recently read about HSPs. (Highly sensitive person). Everything describes me almost to a 't'. You say you are a super empath. Google 'highly sensitive person' if you aren't already familiar with it. Maybe you identify with it. Apparently we are the perfect person, the perfect fuel, for a narcissist. I think they pick up on it and snatch us up. We are perfect for their needs but they are the most damaging thing we could come across.
If you figure out why we keep ending up with narcissists, come back and tell me! Or is there a video on this? I hope you are doing good and break the cycle.
Narcissists shut you out. They have no desire to communicate, and no desire to change. To me that is abuse. Whatever voices they have in their heads dictate that the conversation is over before it even begins. They have a blank look on their face when you try to discuss anything that is important, and will go into a rage when you get too close to the truth. All the relationship skills in the world will never penetrate the lies they have built their lives upon.
As a person who lived almost 60 years with great "regular" relationship and side by side with narcissistic relationships I can not agree more: regular problems no matter how severe are nothing as compared to narcissistic. In regular relationships you do not doubt yourself. In narcissistic - you do. I did, until I realized for what it is and now I just grey rock the narcissistic relationships as I have chosen not to break it completely. But of course, I thrive in my other great regular relationships and that makes all the difference for me. I have enough strength to tolerate the narcissistic one and I do not live with narcissist in the same house. Thank you dr. Ramani. Btw, love love that yellow on you :))))
Grey rock method is not for psychopaths or sociopaths. Because they are masters of making any kind of misery and deceit and any kind of violence. So when you grey rock a sociopath or a psychopath then they become physically violent or aggressive or bullying you. So grey rock is not for psychopaths.
@@banerjees4481 for sure for sure!! Good point
This video actually made cry.
I feel like I truly need to retrain my mind to accept regular and healthy relationships because somewhere in me, I feel like I still tend to attract narcissistic relationships.
I hope that someday, I will be able to naturally attract healthy relationships and sincerely enjoy them.
Narcissistic relationships do leave us feeling so empty that it takes conscious effort for us to heal ourselves.
Thank you. It is VERY clear if you’ve been in a narcissistic relationship and then you get help, healing, and later get into a “regular” relationship. Night and day!
So deeply touched... that's exactly what ist is: We do not lose our selves in healthy relationships.
One indicator I've learned to watch for to identify people I want to stay away from: I call it "monkey dance" syndrome. They have a on-going and incessant need to cause you to go out of your way for them. For example, if you're their dog groomer, they'll call you a week after you groomed their dog to tell you something's not quite right. Can you come back and fix it? And they won't just do it once. They'll do it every single time. A "normal" person would learn to check the dog before the groomer leaves and have them fix a problem before they leave. They may pay some for your extra trouble, but it's a game for them and it's aggravating. If you clean their house, they'll contact you 2 days later to tell you they can't find something and you must've misplaced it. And they won't do that once in a while. Once they start it, it's every time. I have made a pact with myself. The first time, I give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe the second time. Three episodes and I tell them I'm done and I go no contact. It seems harsh but I have learned it's the best way in dating or business or whatever. Those kind of people aren't worth the headaches they'll cause you in the long run.
Good term, Monkey Dance!
Yep! Ive had clients who play these games & one nearly cost me my business🤬
“Not my monkeys, not my circus”
Had this convo with myself the other day, definitely a red flag! Would love to see a video on this dynamic!
I was just thinking (the past few days) about when someone sets things up to see how far,above and beyond you’ll go for them and how often that is.
It’s as if they need it to validate they’re a priority instead of understanding it’s draining or can cause other problems for the person they’re expecting it from.
Perfectly said! I have a friend who asked me why am i so emotional and sensitive? She doesn’t need emotional support in her marriage. She said I’m too sensitive to feelings. She is 71 years old and didn’t know she’s been neglected and abused for 30 years until her therapist brought it up when her marriage crumbled into a pile of 💩
Imagining a day when all therapists see these nuances the way doctor Ramani sees them... The world will become a better place
Imagine having to deal with Narcissistic parents while in a relationship with a Narcissistic person. That was the most difficult and stressful part of my life because I had no one to turn to. I seriously thought about ending things, until my now husband showed up and taught me that my life didn’t have to be the way that I was living it and I did have a choice to change it. I felt so stuck and he opened my eyes. We have our arguments on a rare basis (usually about his mom LOL). He suffers from PTSD and anxiety (which stems from his time in the military,) but he sees the regularly sees the therapist and we are there for each other through thick and thin. . Again, thank you so much Dr. Ramani for helping me see things more clearly. My husband and I regularly discuss what I learned from your videos and how it applies to the abusers that were in my life so I’m still learning from you everyday and it is enlightening.
Going to couples therapy and having the therapist talk about our problems as though they were on equal footing made me feel crazy, blame myself, question my reality and the validity of my concerns about the rage outbursts I was experiencing from my partner. It deeply hurt me by making me question myself and the validity of my concerns even more than I already had been doing.
Yes we tried this many many moons ago. I recall one time the office was closed. Apparently I made a mistake about our appointment time and he had a huge rage. I go so upset m threw my purse at him and he punched me in the arm. He left a huge bruise. So yeah I’ll never do therapy with him. He’s too charming to others. They’d never know what I’m really dealing with.
When i went to therapy with my Narc i left there feeling more victimized then when i went it. It was horrible. He put on an Oscar worthy performance and i looked like i was the crazy one at the end of it. Lesson learned there.
We were just talking about counselling.. But everything blew up before we went.. I would've given it a fair chance.. Been vulnerable and open. I bet you money it would've caused much more damage. I'm sad to hear that you went through it but reading that you did, has me worrying less that I did everything I could have done, which is a thought that I am questioning myself with. Hearing you brought a little more confidence back. Thank you. I hope you are doing well and healing.
Really helpful. I wish I had heard this decades ago.
One thing I've been doing is looking at bad moments in my relationship and thinking of how they might have looked in a relationship with a healthy person--even if they (or I) don't behave at our best. And it has been eye opening.
What was even more eye opening was seeing how healthy relationship behavior turned bad. One of the key moments convincing me to cut off my 32 year marriage was complimenting my husband and thanking him for the hard work on our boat/home. Just to have him turn away from me--once he knows "he's got me" he didn't have to be helpful or kind anymore.
I can relate. You have my empathy, so sorry. That is a terrible feeling to know you gave your all to someone only to realize your love was gone, not to be returned. It's so easy to read stories like yours and think, "You don't deserve that, you can do better!" Yet, here "I" am, living the same life for 21yrs. I too: encouraged, loved, uplifted, forgave, just to be ignored and or left every stinkin' time I needed simple love reciprocated.
I stopped watching television in the mid-eighties due to the elated , sarcasm, and one upping I saw displayed in most sit coms
I see now how the” minimization” over the last 40 years of mean , unkind abusive behavior has conditioned the society I see around me , sad, indeed!
I’ve been highly effected by these unkind individuals
million thanks for speaking truth to “OPPRESSION “
Dr, Ramani 🙏
In a regular relationship, there is a give and take. It might not always be 50/50, but it mostly seems fair and equitable to the people in it. In a narcissistic relationship, everything has to be the narcissists way. EVERYTHING! There is no fair or equitable in a narcissistic relationship. It is all about the narcissist, and if you object, you catch hell.
Absolutely true about what Dr Ramani said about Narcissist relationship. They slowly bleed you away from your identity and your true self. I kept telling myself that I have to compromise and let go of somethings/ flaws and that it was normal. Realizing very late that I was not myself and that is not NORMAL!
It is because they are emotional vampires and suck your life away, all the time mirroring the goodness they see in you behind the mask of their false self. It is purposeful, insidious soul rape. Thank God for knowledge for that empowers victims
Fricken love this woman! Helped save my sanity for sure. Not even in the toxic relationship but I'll still watch her videos from time to time, especially when I think of the ex, and it makes me feel instantly comforted. This woman is special :)
Once a person has been in both kinds of relationships, he or she won't need anyone to explain the difference. That's what I learnt
I think yours is the best comment on this whole subject. A+, gold star and your drinks are free the rest of the day.
@@garycole8365 i appreciate it
To be fair though, some people won't know the difference because they've only experienced one kind repeatedly
My narcissistic ex insisted that "our normal relationship" had problems that were due exclusively to me. Ready for the endless list?
I was too sensitive,
I didn't seem to have a sense of humor any more
I took his digs and insults too seriously
I expected too much
I didn't do enough
I was too controlling
I was too invested in our kids and extended family,
I was too loving, too independent, too creative, too kind...
on and on and on...
Yeah and I was too clean lmao, crazy huh
@@stephaniehall6309 So crazy. Hope you're OK.
I was too passionate, even after leaving him for cheating. “You see, that’s that passion. Calm down, you know I love you. If you weren’t so passionate about everything, you would not be so quick to leave me. Damn..” His words but my passion for sense making got me the hell out of there.
@@lyn9415 So glad you're out and free of that crazy-making, accusatory nonsense!
@@addy1409 thank you, you too. These people need an island all on their own.
I love this video, cause I was already tracking those kind of toxic behaviors,:
- the schadenfreude
- the cicle of good treatment and bad treatment always coming closer together
- the callousness
- the denial, when calling them out whilst it happens
- the abnormal jealously, it's as if they re jealousl of their own shadow
- the constant need to compete
- and a fierce aggressive unfair treatment towards u, they can just fall asleep, as if nothing extraordinary has just happened, and wake up, and almost not remember what they've done before they fell asleep. They even seem to wake up fresh and renewed, ????? Ohmygod what is this????
So, well, please don't be angry when people ask those questions, cause either they've been so lucky to never have met anyone like that, or, just like me, even if I was already figuring some of this stuff out, I still struggle in trying to see the difference between the normal and the not normal relationships.
So, I really would like to see more normal examples to hang on to.
Thanks for this video.
Healthy examples are:
I'm free to be me and you are free to be you, good days, bad days, warts and all.
If we don't agree that's OK, we can agree to disagree.
If you are happy I'm happy for you, if you weep I weep with you.
If I upset you I am accountable, apologise, learn and grow so it doesn't happen again. Equally I expect to be treated with the same kindness. Mutual, respectful, real.
There is TRUTH, TRUST and LIBERTY in a life-giving, reciprocal relationship.
Your question about how a narcissist could wake up refreshed and renewed after a particularly vicious attack...I remember asking a counselor about this. I don't think my ex had full blown NPD...maybe some traits, but she was unfortunately physically violent with me. After an assault, maybe within a few hours or the next day, I would notice she almost seemed cheerful, happy even. Bouncy. I could never understand this. I felt so destroyed and broken down, and she was smiling... even humming. The counselor told me that an aggressive act, violence or abuse, was akin to crying for that person. It was a release. It felt cleansing for that other person to release all of the negative energy. They got it out of their system and felt relief, lighter on their feet. I also think that a certain element of disassociation occurs when people are engaging in abuse. It's almost as if they split, not really in their bodies during the extreme episodes. When you see those dead, cold eyes during abuse...disassociation....I think this also might explain some of the so-called memory loss, gaslighting.
When emotions are wildly dysregulated, memories have a hard time forming, perceptions are skewed.
There's something going on in the brain chemistry. Intense anger shuts down parts of the frontal lobe.
I think we've all experienced skewed memory and perception during periods of intense stress, trauma..it's just that narcissists project so much of that turmoil outward, and in such destructive ways.
It seems that at the core of so many personality disorders, there is CPTSD...and old defense mechanisms that end up turning toxic in adult connections.
Sending healing 💜💜
@@oceanrose721 beautifully put!!
I had the same problems!
Everything you say is definitely how my narcissistic ex talks acts and express herself as if she studied the narcissistic book and has been living it to the last sentence 😅😅😅 believe me.
Dr Ramani is a literal fearless Angel, who should not be questioned. She knows. She saves lives every day.
The fear of seeing the world we live in and how it really is, means that most people create a bubble around them and within that bubble is their limited view of a world that works. They defend and protect their limited view because it keeps them safe and ensures a false state of wellbeing that pushes away the fear. Most people don’t want to develop inner strength, depth of character or the ability to cope with the harshness of actual reality. Queen Victoria was a master at this and the Victorian era was amongst the most underground and hidden depraved, subversive mess. But in polite society everything was, oh so lovely! Doctor Ramani is the Goddess of the Matrix, saving us from the hell of the falsity. Giving us back the truth and authenticity we need to heal from the wounds others refuse to see or pretend don’t exist! It is time to stop living this half-life and become whole again. I for one am Loving Doctor Ramani’s Healing Program and would recommend it to anyone, it has gone way beyond how good I expected it to be, and I knew in my bones it would be good. Thank you Doctor Ramani and your Wonderful Team. Xxxjools
I tried therapy with husband before realizing the “real problem” was his abuse and it was a nightmare, just like you said.
Some of the most gaslighty things Ive been told over the years due to rumination was "you need to move past it and get over it, you are such a worrier, you have anxiety etc) and even being prescribed meds at times for the anxiety. Now that ive gotten older, been in therapy and able to separate from these people and then seeing their true colors I realize it wasnt just rumination it was really happening how I thought it was but was constantly being invalidated. Im dealing with the anger of that now. Its just sick that you have to take meds just to deal with abusive people, not that there was some sort of mental imbalance. I have other autoimmune and health issues now.
I can relate so much to your comment omg. I’ve been invalidated my whole life. It’s truly a horrible feeling. I have cptsd which also comes with depression and anxiety/panic disorder. Not sure if you have any past trauma but trauma gets stored in the body as well. It manifests into physical illness sooner or later in life. I figured I’d mention that since you said you have gut health issues(which usually comes from undiagnosed anxiety or unhealed trauma/trauma response). I know other adults who have these issues as well(including me) and they have a lot of trauma. When I learned this it’s like a switch flipped for me and it all made sense. I do a lot of healing on my nervous system and that’s how I fixed it my gut issues.
Just managed to separate again after a long time of narcissistic abuse. Lost most of my friends and learned the worst experience of my life. Hope it will work out this time 😢thanks Dr. Ramini, you made my day.
We need more of these comparisons and a lot of examples of healthy relationships. So many of us came from dysfunctional family systems that basically set us up for toxic, disastrous relationships because even if we know it's bad, we never experienced BETTER. The normal. The healthy. What is it like really...
I've had my fair share of narcissistic relationships, BUT NOW I actually do have a healthy relationship and I do notice the differences. In the relationship now I can joke around and be me, (as to when I was in a narcissistic relationship (if I cracked the same joke wouldn't have flown). In the relationship I'm in now I can actually tell my partner what's going on and they actually understand. Being in a narcissistic relationship, it's like being in a relationship (with a toddler who throws tantrums constantly). So, when I found this healthy relationship (with an adult, it's amazing, It's Nirvana). This is the first time in my life where I live truly the happiest. I'm floating on Cloud 9. I work so hard just to get into a relationship like this, there'd be no way I'd be going back to freaking narcissistic one hell no. I'd rather eat glass than have to go in back to a narcissistic relationship.
I hope this is true for you forevermore, beware some have learnt more skills to say the right things and hide their demons instead of battling them 🙏
@@FaithfulandTrue777 Trust me I've had to deal with a crap ton of narcissus in my lifetime enough to do ten lifetimes over. I'd be scanning his energy for any signs and there aren't any.
So there is hope once I'm out of this hell?
@@nicolamills8003 Yes there is ☺☺☺☺
A diet of glass would certainly be healthier
I think these comparison studies are so valuable since victims of narc abuse often have no clue what 'normal' or 'healthy' interactions looks like. Recognizing this is important to eventually finding it.
I’ve never had anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never been scared or feel unsafe by erratic driving or calling the cops on me (like my ex did), I could usually resolve conflicts with my ex “sane” partners.
A narcissistic relationship is like no other. Unless someone goes through it, they’ll never understand why we’re left traumatized.
Oh Doc. You nailed it once again and I am reminded of why I had to leave my 35 year marriage. It's been two years on my own and I have not cried for about the last year. When I left I was a shell of a human being. No self confidence, no joy, but all the doubt. Also, no physical strength. Literally a shell. Four therapists, a medium and a shaman did not help us yet after I left he told mutual friends he was blindsided. I said good bye to all of them. Thank you, doc, for this platform that is a touchstone of encouragement!
wish u happiness in the new life.
Been there with mutual friends with my ex, they said to me the abuse is just relationship problems, but i have moved on from him and them now and it feels so good not trying anymore to get them to understand💕
Yup online people always say “that’s an abuser not a narcissist” or “there can’t be that many narcissists out there”. Also when your first relationship is with a narcissist you have nothing to compare too and I think it’s easier to lose yourself and be stripped away. I feel like this happens sadly way too much in religious circles too.
I realized that I have never had a 'normal' relationship. I have only experienced Narcissistic ones, I attract them. The one relationship I thought would be normal was just a covert narcissist. So, I have just experienced all the different types.
Also over decades media, TV and society have taught us that those whirlwind relationships were supposed to be true passionate and romantic, generations were raised under this illusion.
I’ve been there too. FINALLY I had enough.
Made myself accountable and stopped. It was hard but Finally I stopped. I finally LOVE MYSELF. ❤️ My last two narcs that were removed from my life was my last relationship & my mother (she’s no longer here). It was hard realizing the damage that I incurred from her but finally I had to deal with it due to underhanded steps she took before she went!
Me too.
I think this highlights just how prevalent narcissistic abuse is and how many people are going through it. It has been “normalised” which is deeply sad to me. Thank you for this video Dr Ramani 🙏
Thank you so much. This one chimes like a bell. Resonates so we'll. Tears....❤️
I do think times are changing for the good. The word, "Narcissist" is more well know than it was 5 to 10 years ago. People like my young neice who is 21 years old knows the the term, "Narcissist and toxic relationships" She has a pretty good idea about what they are as her stepfather is a "malignant narcissist." I have also educated her about the traits of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and toxic people.
thank you for making these videos. I'm about 3 years removed from a toxic relationship with someone who was completely unwilling to help himself or work with me. every effort I made somehow worked to knock me down further. I finally broke my lease, cut my emotional ties, packed my shit and moved to a different state. I still have feelings of "I shouldn't have left, I see how he tried" etc. but I read my journals and it reminds me of the reality. it's wild how long the effects can last. Andi constantly invalidated myself when I was in the relationship bc I was always told relationships are work. I thought I was proving my love.
I really appreciate your videos bc it helped empower me. I'm now in therapy and in a much healthier relationship that doesn't make me cry every other day. 💕
I have to say I’m soooo Thankful for TH-cam for bringing me DECENT AND INTELLIGENT THERAPISTS. I suffered horrendous abuse from my first husband…I tried therapy 3 times… the first 2 did SO MUCH MORE DAMAGE to me that I didn’t go back for 20 yrs. I did NOT trust ANYONE…NOT ANYONE in the Mental health field at all after those first 2 therapists…. I lucked out for 8 months. I found an amazing psychiatrist who agreed to see me like a therapist bc of what happened. What an amazing and talented Dr. Unfortunately he got physically I’ll and had to retire. It’s been years and finally I found people like YOU here. Thank God! You’ve helped me more than you will EVER KNOW, BLESS YOU ✨💫
I've heard married people make the excuse of, "Well, you're single. You don't know what it's like to be in a marriage!" and "This is normal in a marriage" as if it's some kind of badge of honor, when people outside of the marriage can clearly spot abusive behavior.
people on social media have started saying “don’t call them a narcissist when you mean abuser” and that’s very scary going forward.
going as far as saying “their narcissism is a trauma response” so we should go easy on them.
even had people tell me because I’m diagnosed with BPD (possibly misdiagnosed autism) that me talking about narcissistic abuse is me being hypocritical. Which for a while, had me not recognising normal relationship problems vs narcissistic relationship problems. I thought name-calling, inappropriate messages to other men, neglect and emotional abuse was all “normal”. But once I said no more, some people accused me of getting full of myself.
Simply get off all social media!
Find hobbies and new friends while
learning to "spot" the parasites.
I think the term ‘Narcissist’ is used by people who daren’t consider the implications of the word ‘abuser’.
I totally had this problem while I was suffering from narcissistic abuse. It was a mess to deintegrate that in my brain, as I was already feeling guilty and awful from the abuse. Now people were denying my reality and I felt worse and much more guilty. You are looking from support and you find victim shaming instead. Horrible.
I've also had this kind of stuff said to me as an autistic person.
That autistic people are just as much abusers as narcissistic people.
It hurts.
I'd avoid any groups where anyone can join and there's no admin to remove problem makers. I was in a group specific to Asperger's Syndrome and I left it because admin allowed anyone to join and if you reported gaslighting, they'd say "we try to adhere to free speech..." Of course it was from America so no surprises there then. Be careful and watch how support groups operate before making too many comments in them.
Here for my daily dose of Dr. Ramani. I feel closer learning about my partner's past when I watch your videos. Thanks
You are awesome Sean Lee. I can't even get my significant other to watch a few minutes of a video, much less him go and do it on his own. Kudos to you sir.
@@ErinBujalskiI'm just a fool in love haha
@@seanlee7054 welp, best of luck to you. You deserve it.
I love you so much you should not even be a doctor you should be a warrior and forgive me a politician your complete leadership and disdain for politically correct ignorance is something that I can relate to.
I just left a relationship with someone I had been seeing for about a year, and all of this really resonates with the problems we had. I’m glad I got out and can heal and grow.
Thank You For Your Direction...My Narc Had Me Outta Character For Over 38 Years. I Began Questioning My Worth,Direction and Even My Religious Beliefs as Well Sexuality
Yes. I tried to do relationship counselling with my NEX and the therapist tried to teach us fair fighting rules. But the fights weren't normal relationship fights. I was accused of stone walling because I didn't want to be verbally attacked anymore.
NEX!🙌🏽
Yes! I’m being accused of stonewalling by marriage counselors and my pastor They have no clue Higher level manipulation takes higher level discernment
@@mnikaluza4 it's horrible isn't it 😭
Love the term NEX - I will be using going forward, thank you.
Gosh
Do I wish I could have tossed this fantastic and clarifying video to the woman psychologist way back who told me that I should have a spanking for not wanting to have sex with my then verbally and physically abusive narcissistic husband.
Unbelievable but true
Need I mention that I then felt guilty.
However luckily I have come a long way since then.
Partly because thru following Dr Ramanis videos.
Thank you 🤩
You poor baby! It's bad enough that you're going through the abuse but then a therapist validating him...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Be brave and take care of yourself!
@Mary Carroll no like I said
A woman psychologist
Sounds like a religious fundamentalist to me. Sorry you had to experience that.
You are genius, Dr Ramani. 100% correct. People have tendency to think the same problems, until they've got expeirences themselves with narcissists. And until right now, it makes me think unfair for the person who got abused.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and know that narcissistic abuse is real. It has and caused me to have relationships with others who was and are narcissistic. The same type of abuse is there. Thank Dr Ramani for putting this out.