I finally stood up. I’m the “bad” daughter now and not only to them but to my whole family and I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I just don’t care. I’m finally going to start living. SO WHAT! I get to live. I get to break free. I get to raise my children in a healthy way. I get to be my authentic self. I am no longer under their thumb or control. So “ so what!” Worked for me!!!!! 🤗
right! i was talking with my grandma in her room down the hall from where my mother was. she marched in asking “are you guys talking about me?” no hun. we weren’t. you sound 5.
My grandma is part of the reason I don't believe in myself today every dream was shot down with her definition of reality I can see if she did this when I was fresh out of high school but she was knocking my hopes down as a kid and my dad is the other half he always compared me and him and I was always the lesser of the 2 of us
One of the reasons I don't want to have children.Just by her saying when I have children she's gonna name them doesn't matter if I name my children she's gonna call them what she wants.Oh and she's going to get her grandparents rights I thank her for saying that cause ain't no way I'ma put my future heirs through pain from me or my mother.And I also wouldn't want her to take my role as being a mom from me and make my kids side with her in a manipulative way.
My mother and aunt are both narcs and I suspect my grandmother was also a narc.....While the world is tracing the people with covid-19, what about tracing all those narcissists or manipulators? I feel like narcissism is the true pandemic...
Just went no contact with my Narc Mother to protect my 10 month old daughter from any future emotional trauma. I refuse to allow my child be treated the way she treated me my entire life.
I’m 40 and still terrified of my parents. I get rejected for e.g not contacting them every day so silent treatment. I’ve walked on eggshells all my life but the fear remains. Repressed my emotions as they don’t like tears. Only conditional love. They have controlled my life. I’ve lived a limited life because of fear of them. No marriage, kids or following my dreams to travel. This video has been life changing. I’ve lived my life in fear-no more.
Im 56 and my mother who lives in another country still manages to destroy me if i dont do and behave as she wants.. today even... even though i know its my reaction it still triggers me and emotionally destroys me.
I am so relieved that there are people that feel how I feel...I am 50 and my narcisst father lives with my family...I have always been terrified of him...at long last I now realise that he has the problem and are finding ways to try and deal with it...Thanks so much for the videos
Same boat with dad and im 41 and just learning this. Glad I found out about narcissism the hardest part was I dealt with my loving mom going through 3 cancers in her life and she passed away in 2018 from the last one and my dad was a narcissistic alcoholic. Had a very hard childhood. Now going through a divorce from my best friend and wife due to her infidelity. It doesn’t end. But I tell you this truth. The thing that helped me and got me thru so far is becoming a reborn Christian and allowing Jesus to guide my life. He’s everything to me. Now my narcissistic dad makes me feel bad about loving to learn about God as much as I do. Living with him for a month till my apt is ready but our vay its like back to square 1. They pick arguments for the littlest things. Its crazy lol.
@@robertmatos4553 yes I agree having God in your life does make a big difference...my dad lives with us and I've also recently discovered that there is a name to this behaviour...he still calls the shots and picks arguments over all sorts but I've learnt that the best way to deal with it is to not react and walk away....all the best
How I deal with my elderly narcissistic mother: I DON'T. There are those of us who are still hoping to get the love, acceptance, approval from our narcissistic parents that we didn't get when we were young. I'm not one of them, not any more.
Only that, a narcissist parent NEVER gets used to a new you. They'll start a war. But I love this advice from Jerry Wise: so what if you become the bad son? I think that will help me embrace the fears I have, all false. Because as a child I believed that if I took any decision different from what my narcissist parent wanted I would be the black sheep. But, I am the black sheep anyway! no matter what I do. And, yes, I have to live a life of abstinence from the idea that my family would ever let me be who I am. They have never loved me as I am, and they never will. Might as well accept it. I am almost 50.
my dad is doing the same thing right now he hates to see me progress or move forward advance on anything he put slimits and boundaries in 42 i do my own thing and he hates it i get blamed for everything..EVERY fucking thing..
@@jerrywise this is a great question!! ❤️ And an answer for me... Thank you... The narc just creates these roles, don't they? Even if you break free, they'll need to make someone else the scapegoat of their troubles, the "burden", the "spoiled one". Isn't it amazing how these archetypes are uniform within society? So you can suddenly become the "good" daughter/son, but that will be almost as bad as being a "bad" one, the "love" (?) will still be conditional and selfish, so why even try, right?
I took my power back when my father started criticizing my children for spilling something. He went into one of his rages directed at My Children. I told him to shut up that he can't beat my kids up like he did to me. You know what? He shut up that was Powerful!!!!!
Jerry Wise is the guy that people should listen to if they have been in narcissistic families. I've listened to many of these TH-camrs over many years, maybe 6 years. This guy is THE BEST!!
My mother was a narcissist. I was always the bad daughter. When she died of cancer, we weren't speaking. She had villainized me in our small town. I had let her move in with me when she couldn't afford to live alone due to her gambling and shopping addictions. When she started kicking and hitting my pets (which she always denied), I forced her to move out. She told anyone who would listen what a horrible daughter I am. And you're right - it definitely does not matter!
My mom is cruel to animals as well. The stories I have about how my parents treated any of the dogs that came in and out of our home is heartbreaking. It made me especially loving and empathetic towards animals.
Mine purposefully let my deaf indoor cat out near the highway when I was 14. When my bird died young, I cried and she mocked and scorned me. I'm finally saying SO WHAT to her and the rest of my toxic family.
When you set boundaries you expose their weakness and they hate it. It's necessary to go through that to be healthy. You can't live boundary-less. Great video
You are correct, it is very difficult to live boundary-less Glad you enjoyed it “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Our emotions are important and if they do not support our happiness then there is no room for them on our tables. The days of pleasing a narcissist are over. give yourself the validation and love that you need. Your needs come first
As adults we could and should be our own parents, that's when we let go of the fantasies about our parents and that is when the real healing can take place❤️
"No adult needs to feel guilt over choosing what they would prefer" started crying bc didn't realize this was the emotional system "reset" truth i couldn't figure out myself... thank you so much Jerry and community
the old truth was about feeling guilty for not perceiving the world and acting the ways my parents would... punished for not being miserable, cynical and cruel... happiness and open mindedness was not welcome and instead shut down from acting disgusted or better than... yuck! it really does feel like reclaiming myself
i ended up habitually sacrificing my emotional mental physical even spiritual self care and living bc i felt so guilty. now i understand it was an embedded control system . i recently realized self care was a mature adults RESPONSIBILTY and that helped me change the perspective of why i should self care... i can follow through on responsibility (programming) better than don't let them win
"So What" - two simple words that are absolutely life changing. I'm a 40-year-old scared of my mom still. Just learned last year the type of family I've had. So what is like mind blowing!
My elderly narcissistic father regularly expressly attacks and questions my intelligence, my capabilities etc even my worth as a valuable human in society when I have reached professional heights. It seems like the more successful I become, the more he attacks me on this issue. And it takes me back to my childhood when my parents (who are sub intelligent even learning disabled) would say I was stupid or I can't do this and that...so I become very insulted by these comments given that my parents are senile and demented now...I should say now ' so what'👍. I have accepted that they will only view me as not clever when in fact I am. It took me years to acknowledge my abilities even though outside the home I have this recognition. I am aware that they are projecting but it still gets to me tbh even though I hardly speak to them anymore
Some parents really look good on the outside and still can destroy the child’s life forever. everyone loves my mother , her friends used to ask me to take care of her. Even when I needed the most help when I was suffering from severe anxiety in my childhood literally no one cared about me . I was left not talking at school more than five years , selective mutism was untreated my whole life even when the symptoms were clearly there not a single adult had suggested phycological treatment. Still people didn’t care about me including my parents . I cannot forget my mom's friend coming up to me saying ” I heard that you’re not talking at school , take care of your mother okay?” urghh..I used to respond “yes” in honesty bc no one cared about me and therefore I had no self-esteem or selflove. Today I don’t care about it anymore ,if they are not loving me the way they love my mother , they have no right to ask me for anything it’s none of their business. Why don't u do it yourself? My parents left me dealing with anxiety , bipolar disorder and depression and identity crisis from the age of 4 , their ignorant decisions lead me to a toxic life. Today I am returning my toxic childhood trauma at her for neglecting my whole childhood ,neglecting mental health. I say stuff at her that people used to shout at me taking advantage of me when I couldn't speak . She never knew I was bullied at school just bc I couldn't speak. You know what, people will bully you, including adults just because you simply can't speak. “ Emotional support isn’t a part of parenting , mental health is nothing serious , it’s none of my business it’s up to you” that’s what emotionally unavailable parents think. She deserves it all. I might be a narc to her but she is a monster to me .
@Daily Purity I am very sorry that you had to go through that, the abuse and emotional abandonment that I received from my parents, from my mother mainly caused me a chronic depression and a generalized anxiety disorder with which I lived uninterruptedly the last 12 of my 29 years, I would like to know how are you today?
My mother was diagnosed schizophrenic. It was her mother who was narcissistic & stayed on me to take care of my mother. Nothing else mattered. However, I had better achieve & not allow school or anything else to interfere with my being a caregiver. It's been almost 5 years since they both died & I'm recovering from it all.
I had grandiose narcissistic parents.. always out socialising volunteering and joining community groups, our Jose is was like a drop in zone.. they are often telling everyone how important family is.. but were nasty and would gang up on us kids even as mature adults.. gas lighting and keeping their stature of control over us.. I suffered big time.. went off rails in my late teens/20’s, developed and got over (with the help of Jesus) a binge eating disorder of 9 years.. my siblings are just as dysfunctional.. nasty unless they want something to gain for themselves.. it’s been a bloody nightmare.. and female at age 38, never been in a long term relationship.. my mum said to me last week, maybe the reason I’m still single is because I’m on the spectrum. It never ends.. but I think my relationship with them will now change.. from codependent to finding my self and true friends in the future. Here’s cheers to saying goodbye to wombats and celebrating the future.
Severe neglect of my mental health by my narc parents has left me very resentful! Now that I understand that all my mental health Issues were created by THEM... well, at first I was doubly pissed that they wouldn't really help me. Now I see the faulty logic there. They created those emotional storms in me because they served their needs. They haven't healed. Why would they want to take away those wounds now, any more than before???! It all starts with me!! Got it. Finally.
It's easier said than done. When you take back your power they start a war by recruiting the entire family and friends against you, especially when it's narc parents. How much can an already shock trauma shock trauma sufferer fight back? Look at what these months of covid have done to people's internal resources...imagine what is like for someone whose nervous system is already destroyed since childhood. How hard it must be for them to fight everyone in their world.
Oh my god!!! You are here and you know what I'm going through!!! Literally no one is on my side, but you!!! I cannot stand everything I've already been put through...I am a ticking time bomb who only wants a family...but I'm nearly 30. Why can't there just be someone to adopt me?! I can't stand how I've gone through trauma "family" that I struggle to break off of because they all owe me back my home still and I want it repayed back without any more fuss, but I fear all i ecer will get is fuss. Then now the "found family" I thought would be a fresh new start, who woukd be the ones who loved and cared for me in all the ways I didn't get...they're starting to scampwr off whenever I text them about my important feelings that I need reassurance, replenishing and care and guudance for. They are showing they don't really want to be present for me when I am having problems, but my entire life is a problem and I need a full family to keep safe with!!! The all deserve to go to hell for betraying me and still leavijg my poor needs starved, like I'm becoming a corpse without there being any family to love me...and then I haven't even started on the faculties of society and world powers I'v elearned about, who drove a stake through my heaer when I learned about how truly unwelcome it ia to be someone inocent like me in this world, so I really...I really have been fighting against the world. Sorry for all my spelling errors, I just cannit gelp myself from explodinf my feelings out to the one person I've found who GETS IT. I love so basly how you worded this. As it is MY issue. It is my issue, my problem, my very war against this entire planet. I am living a real life me vs the world scenario, and I nevwr once dreamed that it would all be likw this. I want nothing but for life to set back to normal, for all this to end, for a full complete family who all love me, and that I will never feel so impossibly alone and I can feel safe sharing myself with a few people who know me completely. KNOW ME AS THE REAL ME. gid I have wanted to die every day without anyone to bond with, family, friends, strangers, anyone. Let me have someone who's right for me. Please...if you can hekp me find adoption agencies for adults, or very good friends whom I could be a family with, that would help so much.
Im not worried too much anymore about being a bad daughter, or being "mean". Sure, I might feel kind of bad, e.g., if I say NO to being the narcs caregiver. But, I have to. They don't stop. And I don't deserve to be miserable, broke, dependent on someone else, and traumatised until they are gone. And, I really think you're right about the "so what ", thing. But, what I do worry about is violence and false allegations. And isolation. But I can still control how I want to be, and remember to feel that I don't have to be validated. I have to make sure my life is in order. I am tired of letting them effect me. I'm glad I found this video. I will remember this when I need to. Thanks very much. Shalom.
Heavenly father, in Jesus name, let us who suffered from abusive and toxic parents break free and claim our freedom in Jesus name. In Jesus name, i pray that we get the love that we never experienced from you, father. In Jesus name, your love is enough for us. In Jesus name, you are our father and mother. In Jesus name, you are our parents and our source of love.
Me too she’s been trying everything she to evict me because she says I bring problems to her house by call the cops so they can tell her that she can’t lock me out of the house since I pay her rent
I'm in the same boat with my fiance and 3 year old daughter. I pay 800 dollars in rent and that's not even good enough. It's a discount while my 18 year old sister doesn't pay a dime. I'm the bad daughter.
@@mirandamillace29 Parents tend to do this especially narccisist ones. Don't let him put you against your sister. Maybe protect her if needed and be STRONG. Trust me, I am 25 and only moved out this year. How did I move out without them getting upset? I was bashed almost to death by my father. This was my ticket out. He actually didn't apologise until he saw me in hospital and the blood and bruises he left on my face. I have 5 brothers and will never throw them under the bus no matter what just because he is against me. Protect your siblings.
Yeah I went through this 4 years ago... it was a really toxic, fucked up situation where my narc dad employed me through his business.. but only part time for I couldn't make enough money to really support myself. Than he was also trying to push me out of his house into homelessness.. finally I got fed up and got a job working at as maintenance at a factory in the city and literally moved out of their house and into my 2000 GMC Jimmy and lived out of my car for 8 months.. eventually I lost that job and my car broke down and my older half brother from my mother's side of the family pulled me out of that situation and half ass helped me get back on my feet by letting me crash on his couch for a couple of months and helping me get a new job and save up for a new car... anyway it would still take another 2 years before I finally got completely stable with my own pad and a stable income, Californiais outrageously expensive and it takes longer here than anywhere else... I have no regrets moving out from the toxic household and into homelessness bc for me it was actually an upgrade. I mean my dad has a nice house but the kind of head games he played with me, the constant tormenting, the lies, his enabling wife who's only with him for the money, his monstrous children that he had with her who would throw me under the bus.. it was so toxic there and the bar was so low that literally becoming homeless was a step- up in overall quality of life... never underestimate the value of your spiritual environment, even though I was living out of my car I wasn't surrounded by energy vampires. I've been stable now, living in the same place, working at the same job for a little over a year now.. about to go travel to Greece for the first time in my life.. I have a nice truck and am making decent money working in home renovations in the San Jacinto mountain range in Southern California.. My Dad did everything he could do to stop me from being independent and successful in the eyes of our mutual family. He would call my older half brother all the time and encourage him "not to waste his time helping me", he would call his mother (my grandmother) and joke about how I was "homeless" and therefore "a loser", he would try to turn my siblings against me.. one of my brothers recently called me up asking if it was true that I was really travelling to Greece for 3 weeks in which I confirmed that it was.. he told me that my dad was extremely bothered by that and had convinced my brother that it was a bad choice to travel and meet the family that we have out there.. I assured my brother that it was the right choice. Everyone's situation is different, especially if you're a woman. But if you're a man who is living under the roof of a narcissist who's constantly tormenting you and threatening to kick you out I highly recommend you go get a job and move into your car and get the fuck outta there.. In my case it took 3 years to finally get stable but you can do it. Now I'm at the stage where I made it to these videos and am working on deeper healing. It really brings me a sense of joy that my narcissistic dad is furious that I proved him wrong, that I'm not a loser, that I was not only able to reject his mental abuse but when I inevitably went to the streets for refusing to deal with it I came out on the other side on top.. I've finally arrived at these videos where I've worked out that my dad is a narcissist and I'm the son of a narcissist and I'm beginning the deeper work of making sense of my life and healing... sorry this message is so long but I felt it necessary to share it bc I was in this exact position 4 years ago. I will say that moving out with nothing but a minimum wage job and an old car and somehow getting on my feet was the hardest thing I ever did. I've read that the sons of narcissists have self destructive behavior like indulging in risky behavior and I believe that but ultimately it was the right choice. I wish you all luck in your journey to recovery. I still struggle with my own internal demons but I know that I will eventually conquer those too
This is codependency and weak boundaries. The scapegoat always has porous, weak, or non-existent boundaries. This is set up in childhood when we should be taught how to have boundaries. I always ask so what? With any narcississt. But with my parents it's harder because we all want to be loved by our parents. Especially that mother child bond that is damaged or non existant. My mother gaslights me. My parents sent me to a Baptist school, being Methodist, and freaked out when I wanted to get baptized in the Baptist church. I was told I was a terrible teen (not drinking smoking, just wanted to attend church) & I ended up living with my best friend my Jr yr. This is not because I was a bad teen, I was singled out by my narc mom because How DARE I not agree with her & think for myself? My Dad was more passive, but agreed. My brother, the Golden Child was kicked out of 5 FIVE private schools & was smoking pot, something my parents outcast me for using ONLY when I had cancer, but ignored all of his bad behavior. Even when he physically attacked me outweghing me by 100lbs, I was blamed. I've just accepted this is my family. I will NEVER win their approval, my mom will NEVER love me, accept me, or support me, even if I bent over backwards to please her, which I can't do without denying who I am. Because underneath all narcs is a patholgical jealousy. Even with a degree in Psychology, it took me forever to figure out my family dynamics because I didn't understand HOW and WHY my Mom hates me, has undermined me all my life, giving me bad advice, etc. And would not rest until she turned my dad totally against me. Because it's inconcievable she's JEALOUS of her own daughter! It took decades! The sooner you understand your family dynamics & grieve for the inner child whose needs weren't met, the sooner you can heal & move on emotionally, even if you are disabled & must depend on her/ them.
December Leigh Yes! I agree with you. In my case it is my dad who has hated me since I was born. I was scapegoated my entire life. I just recently figured out that my dad is a sociopathic narcissist. For years I always thought that my mom didn't care for me either. But at the end of her life she told me things privately that now looking back makes so much sense. For example, she never complimented me in front of him. But she would quietly do it when he wasn't around and when I was caretaking her. On her deathbed she apologized to me and thanked me for helping her. I became her caretaker because my dad could not handle it. I was with her at her last breath and we had such a connection finally. My dad on the other hand is not aging well as a narcissist. His full brunt of mental and verbal abuse is not being tolerated. I've always tried to stand up to him and he hated it. Many times I was standing up for my mom and the abuse he put on her. He knows he cannot triangulate a dead woman although he tries LOL. I am no longer in contact with him or my siblings. It's been just over a month. I also have a sociopathic narcissist brother, and the other siblings are pretty close to it as well.
I have no clue if I'm golden child or scapegoat but I've never felt good enough for my dad and he would criticize everything and only see the bad but at the same time he dressed it up as advice and teaching me the right way etc..and if I ever fought against it and said it made me feel horrible he would reject me and say he'd no longer talk to me/give me advice ever again. I'm very confused as to what kind of narcissist he might be, up till recently I had only thought he had been invalidating towards me and that I have BPD. Now I'm not sure if he is narcissistic..I am his only child so there's not another to be one of the golden/scapegoat so I don't know which I am, if any
I said to my parents, "what you did hurt me a lot - I don't want you to do it again". They couldn't promise that... because there was no other way to get involved in an argument I was having with my daughter. The result of me saying stop this time and meaning it... is that we haven't spoken to each other in almost a year. It was so important for my parents to do exactly that act, it was more important than a relationship with me.... I have realized that if I don't "give in" again, there will never be any more family... and this time, for the first time, I'm not going back. So... No more family.
My oldest sister, golden child age 66 finally finished her last silent treatment with me last week. She died. She was mad for reasons of her narcissistic parents. I went No contact then and blocked all of their phone numbers after the youngest flying monkey left a (I’m-never-going-to-speak-to-you-again) voice message after I exposed how the narcissistic parents lost their million dollar ranch and destroyed their family and couldn’t own up to it all. All four are narcissists. Can’t own up to make the necessary changes for the better of the whole. I went no contact with older brother over 25 years ago for the same reasons, bullying behavior. Just learned of narcissism the last few years. The youngest flying monkey texted my daughter to have me call her.... So she could tell me about our oldest sister dying. OK... so to her, NOW it’s okay to talk to me.. NO... My boundaries now!!!!I didn’t call! And I will not attend and subject myself to that that shit show. Parents are 84/85. No flowers and no cards.
Much as I didn't want to accept it, but I finally understand that my father is a narcissist. This video opened up my eyes and heart on what I have to do to get my power back.
What an immensely helpful video. We need daily affirmations of "I'm not a bad daughter" for making adult decisions! I saved this video to my Narc Parent You Tube folder for videos that I watch periodically to maintain a healthy mindset. It's a daily struggle. Thank you for such a good video.
Thanks for watching “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: • The Illusions of the Narcissist • The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists • Living in the War Zone • 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist • 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently • Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding • Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment • Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents • Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have • And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
From where l buy my childs clothes to what car l drive...l absolutely dread them knowing . It is like l cannot make any decision they do not fully agree with, otherwise it's the silent treatement and gaslighting.
SO WHAT?!?!? This is singlehandedly the best piece of advice I have ever gotten!!! It is a tool I can use and it works!!! I will be forever grateful for this video and your wonderful information. Thank you!
I'm so afraid of being the bad daughter I've even rejected job opportunities because my mother "didn't think it was right for me", I don't know what to do anymore. it's like she's a witch, I have no control over my actions whenever she utters those abominable words: "I don't want to have to worry about this"
Anytime I try to stand up to my stepdad, he seperates himself from me and makes me out to be the bad guy. That's why I am having to escape the situation in secret while taking my own freedom from his control. I'm moving out of state so he doesn't try to persue me in any way.
Excuse me. Many more years of experience at being a manipulator just because he is older...who knows where he learned it from. (What were his parents like) Be proud that God made you, and ask Dr Wise about your feelings. He helps me every time I listen to him.
7:00 ( to paraphrase, pardon any inaccuracies) " instead of fearing being the bad son or bad daughter, embrace it! Say, "so what I'm the bad son" and like the sun will rise the the same as it would anyways." Talk about some instant healing! I'm almost thirty-five hundred miles away from my NPD Mom and yesterday she was trying to guilt me like this. I'm not the one who stole $10,000 from their employer. But that's the Golden Child. And I'm not jealous about that. I wouldn't trade to be him. Instead of worrying about them joking about how I must be jealous or something, you talk about this mental shift in your mind, and this video is giving me the tools that I never thought I could have
Everything you have said is really very insightful. I realise i am entrapped by my feelings and habitual emotional response to my narcissistic mother. I’ve made a lot of progress over the years, I've put a lot more distance between her and me but we still go around this cycle. She lures me back in, i help her and then months later she hacks me down again and i go into a personal spiral. I need to fully break free from this. Thank you for shedding some great light on the subject 🙏🏻
You are so welcome I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021 “Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom Sign up on website to get info on workshops www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop Sign up now I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website: • Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop • Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop • Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…
I cannot believe this has been happening all my life. I’m very thankful this video came to me. Spot on like a laser beam 😃. Now that I know it’s time for healing. Thanks again.
I’m here for both myself and my husband. My husband grew up in a home where both parents were narcissistic. I grew up in a healthy home, thankfully. I’m trying to learn more about what my husband has gone through in his life, and how I might be able to help him, whether it’s in actions I take or don’t take. I’m here for me because there are moments where my husband is extremely defensive and closed off and I need to be reminded that it’s nothing I’ve done, it’s simply a bad reaction to thoughts he’s having at this time. He’s been out of an unhealthy environment for a little over a year now, but it still haunts him and he carries around a lot of what’s happened in the past.
You’re an amazing wife for putting this type of effort in for your husband. Your description sounds a lot like myself. I have 2 narcissistic parents (one could be borderline personality disorder also) and I just recently cut ties with both of my parents. The guilt is enormous but I’m pushing through. You always have those thoughts of “Maybe they aren’t actually narcissistic and this is just all my fault”. It’s crazy how short of a memory you can have when you want something to be true. Or at least for the guilt to stop. My wife doesn’t fully understand and this will likely lead to our divorce (which was somewhat likely to happen anyways). Big kiddos to you and the effort you put in for your husband
@@kevinsaint20 I hope things get better for you. It’s been almost 2 years since I commented on this video and I want to share a bit with you in hopes to encourage you in your journey dealing with the guilt you feel. My husband (while not completely over everything he endured with his parents) is leaps and bounds better than he was since cutting ties almost 3 years ago. Time will make it easier. He still confides in me a lot but that’s what I’m here for. I’m sorry to hear your marriage is on the rocks. I know I don’t know the whole context but I do hope that gets better. I’m only speaking from experience of what has helped my marriage, but I would sit down with her and be completely honest about some of your struggles. Maybe you have already tried explaining things, and she just doesn’t get it. Or maybe she just doesn’t have the whole picture. Give her the benefit of the doubt and see if you can provide more context. Hopefully she listens. A confidant can be a wonderful help.
People use drugs and alcohol to numb the "feelings". I wish I could turn them off, NOT EASY. I have chosen the no contact method, I've had to let go of my entire narc family, all my exes and many of my friends. I've been through way too much, I was such a good sweet little girl that was born into the most hellish home on this planet and I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. I do not stay in those kinds of relationships, I leave. I ran away form home at 14 dam it, lived very hard life with no help from anyone. I deserve love and happiness, looking internally not externally. But the pain never goes away.
Often looking internally can be painful, especially if we weren’t taught to do so or if we were taught that looking internally SHOULD be painful. Keep looking internally and working through the pain❤️
My mother made me feel inferior, incapable, dependent, guilty, wrong, too sensitive, less of a woman, less beautiful, ashamed. She let me know how my body features were not womanly enough, ridiculed my lips, breasts, back, legs and made sure that I understood how much more perfect she was looking. How men wanted her, how women envied her. Once she told me bluntly "you'll never be as great as I am". Normally she'd do this more covertly. The male friends I brought home had to give her all the attention, she couldn't leave me and them alone. To this day she respects no boundaries. Sends messages every day, tries to keep me financially dependent. All the while pretending to be the cutest mom on this planet. I don't feel ready to go no contact, but I hope to manage to stick to the boundaries I set without her being able to wash them away over and over again with her guilt tripping. I realize I have a choice. I realize it is my life and I decide how I want to live it and what I let in. I'm glad there are videos out there like this one.
The worst manipulation is when they frighten a child. A hysterical, violent woman is terrifying to a child. Its like the Charlie Brown voice of the adults. Some women just don't need to be adopting children. They can cause a lifetime of fear and anxiety if not finally recognized as dangerous. For a lifetime. . I was the scapegoat because my mother never trusted women. Been gone 9 years and I finally have the bravery to try to face this. But God only knows what she told the whole world that was all because I had to escape her abuse. Her last words were said by a flying monkey. "You know your mother Really loved you". I said "I know" and ran. Always had to have the last word. The final guilt to clean up her mess. Somebody had to do it. . but who knows why this was even a topic of discussion with a complete stranger. We have to be very guarded with our personal lives. Because, evidently, we weren't respected and were encouraged to be "nice". Because they were "nice" to us, sometimes. When they needed something. While they were stabbing us in the back behind closed doors.
Thank you for this information it's been so helpful. It's made me realize that my biggest problem atm and what I need to work on is that after61 years of manipulation and abuse from a malignant narcissist for a mum, I don't know what is the appropriate response of an adult. The "so what" was for me the fear of mum's punishments. My biggest weakness is my dogs who I adore. Mum has got rid of some, thrown them out when I'm not looking and even killed a few and always watched with glee at my grief. She has caused financial problems too as punishment for my non comliance. The "so what" I'm going to struggle with the most
Jerry I hope you prepare your clients for the back lash when they set boundaries with their narc or unhealthy family member. I set boundaries with my CN mom and she threw everything she had at me to get me back into line. I stayed strong g and had to go no contact.
Patricia Simons this happened to me as well. My father 61, tried to physically take out frustration on me age 30. It obviously didn’t work like it did when I was a child. So he ran to the police immediately after I walked away, fed them a victim story that didn’t hold water and ran to several family members and friends of mine trying to think of ways to hurt my reputation and cause problems.
My parents have started to become more passive aggressive whenever I’ve set up boundaries too. I stopped telling them where I was going, started hanging out with my friend every day after class, etc. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky (like my mother accuses me of being), I just am not emotionally attached to my parents enough to let them know where I’m going. And I also want some damn freedom and privacy every once in a while. I found out my parents were tracking me recently and I can’t turn it off (find my iPhone, I’m 21 and still have parental controls on the phone they gave me). I found out after she asked where I was when I went to Walgreens with my friend. They wouldn’t have asked that if they weren’t tracking me, they’re used to me coming home later and I had already told them I was going to a talent show that night. My parents have also taken to using the friend I’ve been mentioning as a scapegoat. “You’ve been so much more angry since you met them. I think they’re influencing you. They want you to hate your parents as much as they hate their parents”. For context my friend uses they/them pronouns and has an emotionally abusive mom. So yah. And they say that I’m ruining our relationship, not them. “Don’t blame us when we stop being supportive of you” or “don’t blame us when your relationship with us disappears”. Good because I want to go as no contact as possible, by doing that they’ll just make that easier.
Yes, there is a huge backlash. They will literally destroy your life when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong in life. I deal with one who threatens legal action because he wants me to be quiet about the things he does to hurt me. Years ago he manufactured lies and tried to get my kid taken from me. He ended up looking like he had mental problems though. He called police on me multiple times in one day and they had to put him in line and told me that he has mental issues. They don’t want you caring them out or even ignoring them they try to destroy your life so you will talk to them. They are sick sick people who will hurt you.
@@Coyote-wm5op I recently just went through this myself 68 and 40, he tryed to set me up with the police to control me. Its been 20+YEARS since i have been independent but they NEVER stop. I distanced myself years ago but was brought back into his life after my mother died. Just goes to show you, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Thank you sir this is what I needed I will be watching this a lot I'm a 35yr old abused man child I even moved 200+ mi. Away and was followed by my parent and my life has been returned to a living hell and this is hard to figure out
i *thank you* for all of the work you do, trying to help victims/survivors of narc abuse... i must say however, that "so what" can be very dangerous in some cases. i have a chronic progressive nervous system illness and am on disability, which has left me broken in every way... including financially, so right now *if i want to have a roof over my head* i do not dare say "so what" to them. that could *easily* (i am sad and afraid to say) end up with me having nowhere to live and being homeless AND in chronic medical need. and my 'golden child' brother has told me that if something like that *did happen* , "don't think you can come here (his house), you can't come here." ... despite the fully furnished basement apartment he has. so... yeah i am quite careful about saying something like that. *the scapegoat will be TOLERATED in the family as long as they go along with the horrifying program... if not, you will be discarded like an old rag even from your own family* ! it always reminds me of the quote "go not where you are tolerated, but instead go where you are celebrated." except... i am not sure i even know what "being celebrated" looks, sounds, or feels like *at 50 years old* ! smh... just made mySELF cry..
I was brow beaten into feeling bad wrong not good enough. The severe abuse was lessened if I was miserable. It became subconsciousness knee jerk reaction. It was not until I called them out on their abuse, my mom and brother, and gas lighting and got really angry at them that I felt much better. They were intentionally jeopardizing my life and I had enough of the suck toxic abuse. Glad to have that family our of my life. Abusers do not change and plot to punish if we put their crap back on them.
Thank you so much, mr Wise. I watched so many videos and read so many texts by experts about the concepts and mechanisms of relationship to narcissistic disordered persons, but i never felt this deep inner permission to accept those and get rid of my chronic feelings of guilt. Your presentation and choice of words finally penetrated my armor of denial and self hate. So again: thank you very, very much!
I finally told her enough is enough. Either she was in a healthy relationship with me or not and she choose not to be. So I cut all contact with my narc mother and never going back and I don't care what she says or does. I've been hurt too long and am unbothered by her and am living my life happily
Thanks for all your videos, I could have used this 7 years ago with a family blow up, I’m proud that we handled as you suggested, so your videos help confirm that, and for other issues, so helpful!
Jerry your man is an island and bridge and walk way is excellent. When my father died I did not go to the wake nor the funeral and burial, now i feel better a brake had to take place I would advise others to stay away from family members who hurt them.
I agree with you and for many this is the case, stay the hell away for good!! Here are the links.... for even greater emotional awareness/setting boudaries/ground rules for living..all imperative!! Title: The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Paperback www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-Yourse...tries%2A=0 When Pleasing You Is Killing Me - Paperback www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-You...tries%2A=0 ..here are some additional tools you can gather and utlize in your spiritual,energetic tool box if you do choose. no selling,no bull, just authentic extenion of goodwill.... check out the book "You Can Heal Your Life by louise l. hay Free on PDF format or Amazon,eBay ,abesbooks all have a physical copy. eduardolbm.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/you-can-heal-your-life-louise-l-hay.pdf dr.phyllis light's book 'love now here how" its really part II of her first book lighthealing.com is the site. more additional game changers, IMHO!! lighthealing.com the personal rejuvenizer's,clearings and more... Game changers for shure !! Subliminal-talk.com www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/ www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement! intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho. remedies.net/ Essiac Tea supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more IMHO! all the best. all of this stuff is more to be expereinces than webistes can replay.... some it may look like fru fru bullshit, trust me they are not. any who good luck us both in the rest of 2020 and into 2021. peace. Keith lighthealing.com Keith Game changers for shure !! Subliminal-talk.com www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/ www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement! intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho. remedies.net/ Essiac Tea supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more IMHO! lighthealing.us/Cameron-Steele-CR_728v01.mp3
Hell yes! I finally did that at age 30 with everyone around me telling me I'm judgemental, projecting, ungrateful for what they did, playing victim, being unkind, need to just forgive, I should give them another chance, I'm mean and onnnnn and onnn Truth is they aren't going to change, I can't change them, I don't need them to change, even if they did change I don't need the better version of them, I'm not the one to help them change, there are millions of other people they can go to. I don't need them and they don't need me. Expected love due to blood ties is archaic. Family is who you choose and who chooses you out of kindness, respect and mutual interest. We are adults we don't owe you anything and you don't owe us anything. We are each responsible for our own healing. All parents and potential parents should be subject to testing and certification Before they are allowed to have kids and annual check ins when they have kids. It is Not ok that parents are not ticketed or held accountable with consequences for the neglectful and traumatic things they do.
It takes years to get here . But only through TH-cam videos like this can most of us begin to understand and address what the hell is going on .Has gone on . I no longer talk to my family . Never ever thought this would be so . I heard toxicity..I know who the toxic bitches are in my family . My closest family members unfortunately.
Your insight & info is spot on, in depth , gets to the root cause /core issues. Thx so much for putting effort into your TH-cam videos. They help greatly. You’re making a positive difference. 👏
Well I've never heard it put this way. I've been told for so long I'm bad and tried to defend myself. He is right so what what is the worst thing that can happen. Thank you for putting it this way
This is so spot-on... the guilt trips and mind games from narcissistic parents are simply unreal, to people who have never lived through this sort of dynamic.
I recall how everyone liked my brother who treated them like crap....and disliked me...so I reversed course and didnt care anymore....best thing ever...but I have been there for them but emotionally detached
I liked where he said, do not give your power away right before #1, don't let your emotions control your life... I've been so guilty of getting emotionally warn down countless times and giving in. Thats when the damage is being delivered in whatever form it's coming in.
I agree with all of this and believe it to be very very helpful. The only thing I would like to question or disagree with is the idea that no one else can 'make me feel bad'. They can... that's how bullies operate. They find something about that you are embarrassed of, afraid of, ashamed of.. and when they've worked out what it is, they DELIBERATELY focus and target THAT aspect of you, your life, or your personality. Ok, so you CAN work on yourself to over come it, but that can take many years, and is in some cases not possible. Otherwise there would be no such thing as racism, for example. Someone can covertly disregard you, ignore you, undermine you, marginalise you. That hurts.
Here are the links.... for even greater emotional awareness/setting boudaries/ground rules for living..all imperative!! Title: The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Paperback www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-Yourse...tries%2A=0 When Pleasing You Is Killing Me - Paperback www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-You...tries%2A=0 ..here are some additional tools you can gather and utlize in your spiritual,energetic tool box if you do choose. no selling,no bull, just authentic extenion of goodwill.... check out the book "You Can Heal Your Life by louise l. hay Free on PDF format or Amazon,eBay ,abesbooks all have a physical copy. eduardolbm.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/you-can-heal-your-life-louise-l-hay.pdf dr.phyllis light's book 'love now here how" its really part II of her first book lighthealing.com is the site. more additional game changers, IMHO!! lighthealing.com the personal rejuvenizer's,clearings and more... Game changers for shure !! Subliminal-talk.com www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/ www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement! intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho. remedies.net/ Essiac Tea supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more IMHO! all the best. all of this stuff is more to be expereinces than webistes can replay.... some it may look like fru fru bullshit, trust me they are not. any who good luck us both in the rest of 2020 and into 2021. peace. Keith lighthealing.com Keith Game changers for shure !! Subliminal-talk.com www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/ www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement! intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho. remedies.net/ Essiac Tea supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more IMHO! lighthealing.us/Cameron-Steele-CR_728v01.mp3
Hey, I believe his intention is to get the point across that it is a choice to become offended, triggered or simply emotionally activated whenever confronted with these types of people, especially bullies. He acknowledges that bullies are skilled at “hitting you where it hurts” but see if you choose to no longer allow it affect you so much, that’s when you take the power in their words away. One way to understand and grasp this concept is to imagine a specific scenario: “quitting a job” this type of situation could evoke completely different emotions from person to person because the event itself doesn’t dictate how you will feel but rather you will assign a meaning to that whether it be negative, positive, neutral, etc. Hope this helped & good luck on your journey. I know it can be discouraging at times
I appreciate that! Thank you for writing to me from the Avaiya Conference. Here is your free gift AND I have added another free gift as well Use both of these links to get your free content [either click them, or select and paste them in your address bar] “Annihilation of Our Awareness” drive.google.com/file/d/0B7LvCJ3_xPoRU2NHbGtLWlNQc00/view?usp=sharing 2. Here is a recent workshop on “Reducing Your Reactivity” 3.5 hours drive.google.com/file/d/1fOQ_xMq9p_3wqFNVl7k4EGMchfNOvsZ1/view?usp=sharing Wishing you the best in your life and recovery, Jerry Jerry T. Wise, MA, MS, CLC Jerry Wise Relationship Systems www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com Be sure to subscribe to my You Tube Channel th-cam.com/channels/ZWHfOsTVegeEFEXV56llWA.html “Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist” Workshop Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time On Zoom Topics: The Illusions of the Narcissist The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists Living in the War Zone 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have And more… Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos. Q & A Role Plays Volunteer participation You will receive the recorded workshop You will receive the notes for the workshop www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Responding emotionally to the scenario the parent or friend, (abuser) presents is not our own actual feelings, we should follow what we want to do and follow our true emotions. Emotions that originate not in response to abuse, but in response to ourself. Self love. Self care. Nobody should feel bad around friends or family EVER.
I felt so much tension go out of me as I watched this and the tears began to flow. I am ready to be the "bad sister/daughter" my family has always "made me feel I am", not as an act of rebellion (which has usually been the case when I try to stand up), but as the first step in taking back my power. Thank you so much for making it seem doable. I am that infantalized adult who is completely reliant on family - financially and otherwise, and utterly depressed, as one might expect. With zero direction and very few life skills, I have failed as often as has been expected. Now my mother has dementia and of course, as I am the one without a real life and no other responsibilities, the role of caregiver has naturally fallen on me. Talk about enmeshment! Not only does success (or at least breaking free) terrify the inner child that has been programmed as the family scapegoat, but it also leaves me at a complete loss and fearful as to what will happen to my mother without me to care for her. This video at least helps me to understand these feelings to some degree so that I can begin the act of healing and growing. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
Hi Linda I read your story it’s so very similar to mine , thanks for sharing please know your not alone in this and I want to keep the “hope It is way out for us ! “ 🌷
"It takes an emotional backbone and the ability to go without love and approval of others to change us within a relationship" --- I'm going to keep reminding myself about this saying in my healing journey. It's alright to be alone sometimes. It only fortifies us in the long run.
My narcissistic parents hold an inheritance over my head and threaten to disinherit me. I'm at the point where I need to give up any idea of inheriting any money when they pass
My narcissistic dad completely ignores my immediate needs just to continue mentioning his everything he has will one day be mine (which is why I should mow his grass, take out his trash, and whatever else is required to take care of his property)
I think you need to get used to being disinherited, even if you do everything they say, they will still probably not give you a penny, so just let it go.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Hi Jerry (sir)...Thank you so much...i am 60 yrs old,,,dealt with both of parents as NARC. my entire life...i have worked at peace,,,decades now...at least i know now...i was and are nice,,normal..and impath...Its like Narr...are Vampires...and their victims are the Angels...:)..Michael.
okay this video was by far the most helpful of the how to be free from the narcissistic parent. I knew for a long time that the problem lied in my mom and not me but every little thing she says still seems to trigger me. And i have heard time and time again that i should not give them that power and was just lost at that phrase. I know consciously that I'm not in the wrong and I do not wanna feel upset but i'm still left feeling like shit! But you saying so what! is just enlightening! yes! so what if i'm being a bad daughter! so what! i'll be the worst damn daughter in the history of bad daughters! WOW that is liberating!
Here's a good one I was told tonight by one of my two Narcissistic parents. " I'm sorry you put pressure on yourself your whole life to please us instead of worrying about what you wanted out of life." Of course it's my fault. Nothing to do with living in fear if I didn't do what I was told to do.
I even lied about going to college so my father wouldn't go ape and kll me. Of course i didnt feel independent enough to move out and say f you i dont wanna go to college. Couldn't imagine living without them
I really needed this video today. Thank you for posting, I'm glad I stumbled upon your channel. Been feeling all kinds of guilt towards the in-laws and depressive rumination since they've been here and I will be watching your other video about types of guilt because that really messes me up, feeling guilty for doing my best.
I would imagine that children who were made to feel certain ways by those in charge of them growing up would end up trying to do the same thing to their children. Same as children who were bullied by their parents grow up to be bullies because they feel entitled to pay that bullying forward, and as they were made feel insecure, scared and confused, they need to get that self respect back, and as they can't get it from themselves, their parents or their peers, they try instead to take it from their children. They would get a rush from making their children feel things, it would give them a sense of power which would be highly addictive i imagine, especially if they suffered from low self esteem their whole life.
I don’t think that’s true at all. I found that my three brothers and I all made efforts to go out of our way to raise our children in the opposite way we were raised. Even though we were conditioned not to talk about anything real growing up, each time I was with my brothers in person over the years, one of us would eventually utter quietly, “we are doing a better job than they did right?” We would all nod and agree without saying much else. But now I can see how much each of us needed that affirmation. All of us developed real relationships with our children. Nothing is perfect of course but it’s a start. We had no desire to do to our children what was done to us.
Thank you !!! I always feel so uncomfortable going to family functions being judged that I’m fat and not married and what job do I have now . I always felt so bad . I also had the worst friends. I need people who lift me up just as much as I try to lift others up. Seems like I’m all alone In This . Oh yea and I cause my moms stomach unclers
We are alone in this, and this isn't a bad thing (Maybe that is what we were taught? where did we learn this?). Only through our aloneness can we truly learn to connect to others, aloneness- is about connecting to ourselves. Self differentiation is about learning to lift ourselves up while allowing others to lift themselves up- no matter if they choose to do so or not. You might find these videos helpful: Healing your aloneness- th-cam.com/video/17UKLP4nXa8/w-d-xo.html Letting everyone around you grow up- th-cam.com/video/yN3n3zOA37I/w-d-xo.html
I finally stood up. I’m the “bad” daughter now and not only to them but to my whole family and I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I just don’t care. I’m finally going to start living. SO WHAT! I get to live. I get to break free. I get to raise my children in a healthy way. I get to be my authentic self. I am no longer under their thumb or control. So “ so what!” Worked for me!!!!! 🤗
😃
👍🙏
I am proud of you! I was raised by a narcissist and I developed BPD. I went undiagnosed till I was 39. It’s a long hard road to recovery.
Same. Stay strong. So glad you are out. It’s a rough go. 💕
Live while you’re alive sister!
I'm stopped caring at 13 😂😂. I understood really young that something was off about my mom... It's like their children in adult bodies.
right! i was talking with my grandma in her room down the hall from where my mother was. she marched in asking “are you guys talking about me?” no hun. we weren’t. you sound 5.
Amen
To turn off caring is to be on the way to becoming your mom though.
@@cross-eyedmary6619 what do u mean saying that?
I'm starting to do that now in my late 40's.....It's never to late.
Narcassistic mothers become narcassistic grandmothers. Protect your children by going no contact.
My grandma is part of the reason I don't believe in myself today every dream was shot down with her definition of reality I can see if she did this when I was fresh out of high school but she was knocking my hopes down as a kid and my dad is the other half he always compared me and him and I was always the lesser of the 2 of us
One of the reasons I don't want to have children.Just by her saying when I have children she's gonna name them doesn't matter if I name my children she's gonna call them what she wants.Oh and she's going to get her grandparents rights I thank her for saying that cause ain't no way I'ma put my future heirs through pain from me or my mother.And I also wouldn't want her to take my role as being a mom from me and make my kids side with her in a manipulative way.
My mother and aunt are both narcs and I suspect my grandmother was also a narc.....While the world is tracing the people with covid-19, what about tracing all those narcissists or manipulators? I feel like narcissism is the true pandemic...
What!so this narcissistic shit Never ends🥵
Just went no contact with my Narc Mother to protect my 10 month old daughter from any future emotional trauma. I refuse to allow my child be treated the way she treated me my entire life.
I’m 40 and still terrified of my parents. I get rejected for e.g not contacting them every day so silent treatment. I’ve walked on eggshells all my life but the fear remains. Repressed my emotions as they don’t like tears. Only conditional love. They have controlled my life. I’ve lived a limited life because of fear of them. No marriage, kids or following my dreams to travel. This video has been life changing. I’ve lived my life in fear-no more.
you talked about my life dear. fear made me not explore the people l met in life.
Im 56 and my mother who lives in another country still manages to destroy me if i dont do and behave as she wants.. today even... even though i know its my reaction it still triggers me and emotionally destroys me.
I am so relieved that there are people that feel how I feel...I am 50 and my narcisst father lives with my family...I have always been terrified of him...at long last I now realise that he has the problem and are finding ways to try and deal with it...Thanks so much for the videos
Same boat with dad and im 41 and just learning this. Glad I found out about narcissism the hardest part was I dealt with my loving mom going through 3 cancers in her life and she passed away in 2018 from the last one and my dad was a narcissistic alcoholic. Had a very hard childhood. Now going through a divorce from my best friend and wife due to her infidelity. It doesn’t end. But I tell you this truth. The thing that helped me and got me thru so far is becoming a reborn Christian and allowing Jesus to guide my life. He’s everything to me. Now my narcissistic dad makes me feel bad about loving to learn about God as much as I do. Living with him for a month till my apt is ready but our vay its like back to square 1. They pick arguments for the littlest things. Its crazy lol.
@@robertmatos4553 yes I agree having God in your life does make a big difference...my dad lives with us and I've also recently discovered that there is a name to this behaviour...he still calls the shots and picks arguments over all sorts but I've learnt that the best way to deal with it is to not react and walk away....all the best
How I deal with my elderly narcissistic mother: I DON'T. There are those of us who are still hoping to get the love, acceptance, approval from our narcissistic parents that we didn't get when we were young. I'm not one of them, not any more.
Exactly I'm glad you see the truth that they will never change
Same here
Proud of you
Same here
Wow! I respect your strength. Thanks for sharing 💪🏻
Only that, a narcissist parent NEVER gets used to a new you. They'll start a war. But I love this advice from Jerry Wise: so what if you become the bad son? I think that will help me embrace the fears I have, all false. Because as a child I believed that if I took any decision different from what my narcissist parent wanted I would be the black sheep. But, I am the black sheep anyway! no matter what I do. And, yes, I have to live a life of abstinence from the idea that my family would ever let me be who I am. They have never loved me as I am, and they never will. Might as well accept it. I am almost 50.
Can you love yourself as you are even if you would “be” the bad son?
my dad is doing the same thing right now he hates to see me progress or move forward advance on anything he put slimits and boundaries in 42 i do my own thing and he hates it i get blamed for everything..EVERY fucking thing..
@@jerrywise thanks. That is a great question. It is a process, a road to walk to get to that self acceptance and sel-love.
@@jerrywise this is a great question!! ❤️
And an answer for me...
Thank you...
The narc just creates these roles, don't they? Even if you break free, they'll need to make someone else the scapegoat of their troubles, the "burden", the "spoiled one". Isn't it amazing how these archetypes are uniform within society?
So you can suddenly become the "good" daughter/son, but that will be almost as bad as being a "bad" one, the "love" (?) will still be conditional and selfish, so why even try, right?
Yes there's nothing you can say or do to be good enough. There's no winning. It's conditional love.
I took my power back when my father started criticizing my children for spilling something. He went into one of his rages directed at My Children. I told him to shut up that he can't beat my kids up like he did to me. You know what? He shut up that was Powerful!!!!!
I’m ok being labeled the bad daughter because I know I’m not a bad daughter. My way to handle these things is to refuse to wear people’s labels
This helped💫
Labels are like judging a book by its cover.
Consider your way to be no contact and moving away..
Jerry Wise is the guy that people should listen to if they have been in narcissistic families. I've listened to many of these TH-camrs over many years, maybe 6 years. This guy is THE BEST!!
Definitely helped me understand that I have the power to change myself, self-differentiated.
My mother was a narcissist. I was always the bad daughter. When she died of cancer, we weren't speaking. She had villainized me in our small town. I had let her move in with me when she couldn't afford to live alone due to her gambling and shopping addictions. When she started kicking and hitting my pets (which she always denied), I forced her to move out. She told anyone who would listen what a horrible daughter I am. And you're right - it definitely does not matter!
My mom is cruel to animals as well. The stories I have about how my parents treated any of the dogs that came in and out of our home is heartbreaking. It made me especially loving and empathetic towards animals.
Mine purposefully let my deaf indoor cat out near the highway when I was 14. When my bird died young, I cried and she mocked and scorned me. I'm finally saying SO WHAT to her and the rest of my toxic family.
@@treasurechest2951Good for you. ❤
It's a painful reality, you never get over your childhood, let alone when you had a narc family.
Thank you
When you set boundaries you expose their weakness and they hate it. It's necessary to go through that to be healthy. You can't live boundary-less. Great video
You are correct, it is very difficult to live boundary-less
Glad you enjoyed it
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Our emotions are important and if they do not support our happiness then there is no room for them on our tables. The days of pleasing a narcissist are over. give yourself the validation and love that you need. Your needs come first
As adults we could and should be our own parents, that's when we let go of the fantasies about our parents and that is when the real healing can take place❤️
"No adult needs to feel guilt over choosing what they would prefer" started crying bc didn't realize this was the emotional system "reset" truth i couldn't figure out myself... thank you so much Jerry and community
the old truth was about feeling guilty for not perceiving the world and acting the ways my parents would... punished for not being miserable, cynical and cruel... happiness and open mindedness was not welcome and instead shut down from acting disgusted or better than... yuck! it really does feel like reclaiming myself
i ended up habitually sacrificing my emotional mental physical even spiritual self care and living bc i felt so guilty. now i understand it was an embedded control system . i recently realized self care was a mature adults RESPONSIBILTY and that helped me change the perspective of why i should self care... i can follow through on responsibility (programming) better than don't let them win
"So What" - two simple words that are absolutely life changing. I'm a 40-year-old scared of my mom still. Just learned last year the type of family I've had. So what is like mind blowing!
How do these parents create this kind of fear in us?
How did this happen to me (narc mom)
My elderly narcissistic father regularly expressly attacks and questions my intelligence, my capabilities etc even my worth as a valuable human in society when I have reached professional heights. It seems like the more successful I become, the more he attacks me on this issue. And it takes me back to my childhood when my parents (who are sub intelligent even learning disabled) would say I was stupid or I can't do this and that...so I become very insulted by these comments given that my parents are senile and demented now...I should say now ' so what'👍. I have accepted that they will only view me as not clever when in fact I am. It took me years to acknowledge my abilities even though outside the home I have this recognition. I am aware that they are projecting but it still gets to me tbh even though I hardly speak to them anymore
It’s a form of gaslighting. I experienced the same thing from sub-intelligent n. Parents.
Some parents really look good on the outside and still can destroy the child’s life forever. everyone loves my mother , her friends used to ask me to take care of her. Even when I needed the most help when I was suffering from severe anxiety in my childhood literally no one cared about me . I was left not talking at school more than five years , selective mutism was untreated my whole life even when the symptoms were clearly there not a single adult had suggested phycological treatment. Still people didn’t care about me including my parents . I cannot forget my mom's friend coming up to me saying ” I heard that you’re not talking at school , take care of your mother okay?” urghh..I used to respond “yes” in honesty bc no one cared about me and therefore I had no self-esteem or selflove. Today I don’t care about it anymore ,if they are not loving me the way they love my mother , they have no right to ask me for anything it’s none of their business. Why don't u do it yourself?
My parents left me dealing with anxiety , bipolar disorder and depression and identity crisis from the age of 4 , their ignorant decisions lead me to a toxic life.
Today I am returning my toxic childhood trauma at her for neglecting my whole childhood ,neglecting mental health.
I say stuff at her that people used to shout at me taking advantage of me when I couldn't speak . She never knew I was bullied at school just bc I couldn't speak. You know what, people will bully you, including adults just because you simply can't speak.
“ Emotional support isn’t a part of parenting , mental health is nothing serious , it’s none of my business it’s up to you” that’s what emotionally unavailable parents think.
She deserves it all. I might be a narc to her but she is a monster to me .
@Daily Purity I am very sorry that you had to go through that, the abuse and emotional abandonment that I received from my parents, from my mother mainly caused me a chronic depression and a generalized anxiety disorder with which I lived uninterruptedly the last 12 of my 29 years, I would like to know how are you today?
My mother was diagnosed schizophrenic. It was her mother who was narcissistic & stayed on me to take care of my mother. Nothing else mattered. However, I had better achieve & not allow school or anything else to interfere with my being a caregiver. It's been almost 5 years since they both died & I'm recovering from it all.
I had grandiose narcissistic parents.. always out socialising volunteering and joining community groups, our Jose is was like a drop in zone.. they are often telling everyone how important family is.. but were nasty and would gang up on us kids even as mature adults.. gas lighting and keeping their stature of control over us.. I suffered big time.. went off rails in my late teens/20’s, developed and got over (with the help of Jesus) a binge eating disorder of 9 years.. my siblings are just as dysfunctional.. nasty unless they want something to gain for themselves.. it’s been a bloody nightmare.. and female at age 38, never been in a long term relationship.. my mum said to me last week, maybe the reason I’m still single is because I’m on the spectrum.
It never ends.. but I think my relationship with them will now change.. from codependent to finding my self and true friends in the future.
Here’s cheers to saying goodbye to wombats and celebrating the future.
I'm proud as fuck of you!!! Way to take healing on yourself and distance yourself from arrogant entitled unhealed boomers
Severe neglect of my mental health by my narc parents has left me very resentful!
Now that I understand that all my mental health Issues were created by THEM... well, at first I was doubly pissed that they wouldn't really help me. Now I see the faulty logic there. They created those emotional storms in me because they served their needs. They haven't healed. Why would they want to take away those wounds now, any more than before???!
It all starts with me!! Got it. Finally.
this is my life I'm burning out :(
It "blows your mind"
Hang in there
GOSO
It gets better every day you stay out
Hey hope your doing ok. Hang in there. The best temporary healing? Going for a long walk practising breathing exercises.
It's easier said than done. When you take back your power they start a war by recruiting the entire family and friends against you, especially when it's narc parents. How much can an already shock trauma shock trauma sufferer fight back? Look at what these months of covid have done to people's internal resources...imagine what is like for someone whose nervous system is already destroyed since childhood. How hard it must be for them to fight everyone in their world.
Oh my god!!! You are here and you know what I'm going through!!! Literally no one is on my side, but you!!! I cannot stand everything I've already been put through...I am a ticking time bomb who only wants a family...but I'm nearly 30. Why can't there just be someone to adopt me?! I can't stand how I've gone through trauma "family" that I struggle to break off of because they all owe me back my home still and I want it repayed back without any more fuss, but I fear all i ecer will get is fuss. Then now the "found family" I thought would be a fresh new start, who woukd be the ones who loved and cared for me in all the ways I didn't get...they're starting to scampwr off whenever I text them about my important feelings that I need reassurance, replenishing and care and guudance for. They are showing they don't really want to be present for me when I am having problems, but my entire life is a problem and I need a full family to keep safe with!!! The all deserve to go to hell for betraying me and still leavijg my poor needs starved, like I'm becoming a corpse without there being any family to love me...and then I haven't even started on the faculties of society and world powers I'v elearned about, who drove a stake through my heaer when I learned about how truly unwelcome it ia to be someone inocent like me in this world, so I really...I really have been fighting against the world. Sorry for all my spelling errors, I just cannit gelp myself from explodinf my feelings out to the one person I've found who GETS IT. I love so basly how you worded this. As it is MY issue. It is my issue, my problem, my very war against this entire planet. I am living a real life me vs the world scenario, and I nevwr once dreamed that it would all be likw this. I want nothing but for life to set back to normal, for all this to end, for a full complete family who all love me, and that I will never feel so impossibly alone and I can feel safe sharing myself with a few people who know me completely. KNOW ME AS THE REAL ME. gid I have wanted to die every day without anyone to bond with, family, friends, strangers, anyone. Let me have someone who's right for me. Please...if you can hekp me find adoption agencies for adults, or very good friends whom I could be a family with, that would help so much.
The only way is out. Staying has high prices psychologically. Find your way and be proud of your courage and moxie.
It’s hard but not impossible. I did it, and so can you.
@@DemonPikachuyou are your family.
We’re already alone, move to a new place and start over.
Im not worried too much anymore about being a bad daughter, or being "mean". Sure, I might feel kind of bad, e.g., if I say NO to being the narcs caregiver. But, I have to. They don't stop. And I don't deserve to be miserable, broke, dependent on someone else, and traumatised until they are gone. And, I really think you're right about the "so what ", thing. But, what I do worry about is violence and false allegations. And isolation. But I can still control how I want to be, and remember to feel that I don't have to be validated. I have to make sure my life is in order. I am tired of letting them effect me. I'm glad I found this video. I will remember this when I need to. Thanks very much. Shalom.
Learning about toxic shame was a big part of my recovery.
That is such a helpful term.
How is it created?
@@DawnGreen-wn4hr - Toxic shame is usually instilled as a child from parents, caregivers or religions.
Heavenly father, in Jesus name, let us who suffered from abusive and toxic parents break free and claim our freedom in Jesus name.
In Jesus name, i pray that we get the love that we never experienced from you, father. In Jesus name, your love is enough for us.
In Jesus name, you are our father and mother. In Jesus name, you are our parents and our source of love.
My narcissistic father uses the ‘so what?!’ Every time I talk. I will be homeless if I talk back. I am so stuck emotionally mentally and financially.
Me too she’s been trying everything she to evict me because she says I bring problems to her house by call the cops so they can tell her that she can’t lock me out of the house since I pay her rent
I'm in the same boat with my fiance and 3 year old daughter. I pay 800 dollars in rent and that's not even good enough. It's a discount while my 18 year old sister doesn't pay a dime. I'm the bad daughter.
Thats what they want... stay strong
@@mirandamillace29 Parents tend to do this especially narccisist ones. Don't let him put you against your sister. Maybe protect her if needed and be STRONG. Trust me, I am 25 and only moved out this year. How did I move out without them getting upset? I was bashed almost to death by my father. This was my ticket out. He actually didn't apologise until he saw me in hospital and the blood and bruises he left on my face. I have 5 brothers and will never throw them under the bus no matter what just because he is against me. Protect your siblings.
Yeah I went through this 4 years ago... it was a really toxic, fucked up situation where my narc dad employed me through his business.. but only part time for I couldn't make enough money to really support myself. Than he was also trying to push me out of his house into homelessness.. finally I got fed up and got a job working at as maintenance at a factory in the city and literally moved out of their house and into my 2000 GMC Jimmy and lived out of my car for 8 months.. eventually I lost that job and my car broke down and my older half brother from my mother's side of the family pulled me out of that situation and half ass helped me get back on my feet by letting me crash on his couch for a couple of months and helping me get a new job and save up for a new car... anyway it would still take another 2 years before I finally got completely stable with my own pad and a stable income, Californiais outrageously expensive and it takes longer here than anywhere else... I have no regrets moving out from the toxic household and into homelessness bc for me it was actually an upgrade. I mean my dad has a nice house but the kind of head games he played with me, the constant tormenting, the lies, his enabling wife who's only with him for the money, his monstrous children that he had with her who would throw me under the bus.. it was so toxic there and the bar was so low that literally becoming homeless was a step- up in overall quality of life... never underestimate the value of your spiritual environment, even though I was living out of my car I wasn't surrounded by energy vampires.
I've been stable now, living in the same place, working at the same job for a little over a year now.. about to go travel to Greece for the first time in my life.. I have a nice truck and am making decent money working in home renovations in the San Jacinto mountain range in Southern California..
My Dad did everything he could do to stop me from being independent and successful in the eyes of our mutual family. He would call my older half brother all the time and encourage him "not to waste his time helping me", he would call his mother (my grandmother) and joke about how I was "homeless" and therefore "a loser", he would try to turn my siblings against me.. one of my brothers recently called me up asking if it was true that I was really travelling to Greece for 3 weeks in which I confirmed that it was.. he told me that my dad was extremely bothered by that and had convinced my brother that it was a bad choice to travel and meet the family that we have out there.. I assured my brother that it was the right choice.
Everyone's situation is different, especially if you're a woman. But if you're a man who is living under the roof of a narcissist who's constantly tormenting you and threatening to kick you out I highly recommend you go get a job and move into your car and get the fuck outta there.. In my case it took 3 years to finally get stable but you can do it. Now I'm at the stage where I made it to these videos and am working on deeper healing. It really brings me a sense of joy that my narcissistic dad is furious that I proved him wrong, that I'm not a loser, that I was not only able to reject his mental abuse but when I inevitably went to the streets for refusing to deal with it I came out on the other side on top.. I've finally arrived at these videos where I've worked out that my dad is a narcissist and I'm the son of a narcissist and I'm beginning the deeper work of making sense of my life and healing... sorry this message is so long but I felt it necessary to share it bc I was in this exact position 4 years ago. I will say that moving out with nothing but a minimum wage job and an old car and somehow getting on my feet was the hardest thing I ever did. I've read that the sons of narcissists have self destructive behavior like indulging in risky behavior and I believe that but ultimately it was the right choice. I wish you all luck in your journey to recovery. I still struggle with my own internal demons but I know that I will eventually conquer those too
This is codependency and weak boundaries. The scapegoat always has porous, weak, or non-existent boundaries. This is set up in childhood when we should be taught how to have boundaries. I always ask so what? With any narcississt. But with my parents it's harder because we all want to be loved by our parents. Especially that mother child bond that is damaged or non existant. My mother gaslights me.
My parents sent me to a Baptist school, being Methodist, and freaked out when I wanted to get baptized in the Baptist church. I was told I was a terrible teen (not drinking smoking, just wanted to attend church) & I ended up living with my best friend my Jr yr.
This is not because I was a bad teen, I was singled out by my narc mom because How DARE I not agree with her & think for myself? My Dad was more passive, but agreed. My brother, the Golden Child was kicked out of 5 FIVE private schools & was smoking pot, something my parents outcast me for using ONLY when I had cancer, but ignored all of his bad behavior. Even when he physically attacked me outweghing me by 100lbs, I was blamed. I've just accepted this is my family. I will NEVER win their approval, my mom will NEVER love me, accept me, or support me, even if I bent over backwards to please her, which I can't do without denying who I am. Because underneath all narcs is a patholgical jealousy. Even with a degree in Psychology, it took me forever to figure out my family dynamics because I didn't understand HOW and WHY my Mom hates me, has undermined me all my life, giving me bad advice, etc. And would not rest until she turned my dad totally against me. Because it's inconcievable she's JEALOUS of her own daughter! It took decades!
The sooner you understand your family dynamics & grieve for the inner child whose needs weren't met, the sooner you can heal & move on emotionally, even if you are disabled & must depend on her/ them.
December Leigh Yes! I agree with you. In my case it is my dad who has hated me since I was born. I was scapegoated my entire life. I just recently figured out that my dad is a sociopathic narcissist. For years I always thought that my mom didn't care for me either. But at the end of her life she told me things privately that now looking back makes so much sense. For example, she never complimented me in front of him. But she would quietly do it when he wasn't around and when I was caretaking her. On her deathbed she apologized to me and thanked me for helping her. I became her caretaker because my dad could not handle it. I was with her at her last breath and we had such a connection finally. My dad on the other hand is not aging well as a narcissist. His full brunt of mental and verbal abuse is not being tolerated. I've always tried to stand up to him and he hated it. Many times I was standing up for my mom and the abuse he put on her. He knows he cannot triangulate a dead woman although he tries LOL. I am no longer in contact with him or my siblings. It's been just over a month. I also have a sociopathic narcissist brother, and the other siblings are pretty close to it as well.
I feel your pain. My mom hates me too, and Golden Child brother can do no wrong.
December Leigh
Wow I have almost the exact same story wow 😜
I have no clue if I'm golden child or scapegoat but I've never felt good enough for my dad and he would criticize everything and only see the bad but at the same time he dressed it up as advice and teaching me the right way etc..and if I ever fought against it and said it made me feel horrible he would reject me and say he'd no longer talk to me/give me advice ever again. I'm very confused as to what kind of narcissist he might be, up till recently I had only thought he had been invalidating towards me and that I have BPD. Now I'm not sure if he is narcissistic..I am his only child so there's not another to be one of the golden/scapegoat so I don't know which I am, if any
TheHotCoffeeHouse I hope you can eventually move jobs. I wish you success x
I said to my parents, "what you did hurt me a lot - I don't want you to do it again". They couldn't promise that... because there was no other way to get involved in an argument I was having with my daughter. The result of me saying stop this time and meaning it... is that we haven't spoken to each other in almost a year. It was so important for my parents to do exactly that act, it was more important than a relationship with me.... I have realized that if I don't "give in" again, there will never be any more family... and this time, for the first time, I'm not going back. So... No more family.
'Begin to live a life of abstinence from love and approval ..takes an emotional backbone ' Wise words! Self love.
A great expression referring to not allowing the judgement of others to rule your life: "They don't float my boat!"
My oldest sister, golden child age 66 finally finished her last silent treatment with me last week. She died. She was mad for reasons of her narcissistic parents.
I went No contact then and blocked all of their phone numbers after the youngest flying monkey left a (I’m-never-going-to-speak-to-you-again) voice message after I exposed how the narcissistic parents lost their million dollar ranch and destroyed their family and couldn’t own up to it all. All four are narcissists. Can’t own up to make the necessary changes for the better of the whole. I went no contact with older brother over 25 years ago for the same reasons, bullying behavior. Just learned of narcissism the last few years.
The youngest flying monkey texted my daughter to have me call her....
So she could tell me about our oldest sister dying.
OK... so to her, NOW it’s okay to talk to me..
NO... My boundaries now!!!!I didn’t call! And I will not attend and subject myself to that that shit show. Parents are 84/85.
No flowers and no cards.
Much as I didn't want to accept it, but I finally understand that my father is a narcissist. This video opened up my eyes and heart on what I have to do to get my power back.
What an immensely helpful video. We need daily affirmations of "I'm not a bad daughter" for making adult decisions!
I saved this video to my Narc Parent You Tube folder for videos that I watch periodically to maintain a healthy mindset. It's a daily struggle.
Thank you for such a good video.
Thanks for watching
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
• The Illusions of the Narcissist
• The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
• Living in the War Zone
• 7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
• 10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
• Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
• Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
• Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
• Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
• And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
From where l buy my childs clothes to what car l drive...l absolutely dread them knowing . It is like l cannot make any decision they do not fully agree with, otherwise it's the silent treatement and gaslighting.
After listening to this, I thought someone is reading my mind and my story. Thank you!
Wonderful!
SO WHAT?!?!? This is singlehandedly the best piece of advice I have ever gotten!!! It is a tool I can use and it works!!!
I will be forever grateful for this video and your wonderful information. Thank you!
I'm so afraid of being the bad daughter I've even rejected job opportunities because my mother "didn't think it was right for me", I don't know what to do anymore. it's like she's a witch, I have no control over my actions whenever she utters those abominable words: "I don't want to have to worry about this"
This video may be helpful- The Power of Intentional Disappointment and Staying-Self Differentiated:
th-cam.com/video/2hCwuZ9_yx4/w-d-xo.html
Anytime I try to stand up to my stepdad, he seperates himself from me and makes me out to be the bad guy. That's why I am having to escape the situation in secret while taking my own freedom from his control. I'm moving out of state so he doesn't try to persue me in any way.
Remember that he has had many more years of experience at beinng
Excuse me. Many more years of experience at being a manipulator just because he is older...who knows where he learned it from. (What were his parents like) Be proud that God made you, and ask Dr Wise about your feelings. He helps me every time I listen to him.
Sammmeee
I really like how you put it that - these feelings are activated inside you to keep you subservient but they are not true feelings.
7:00 ( to paraphrase, pardon any inaccuracies) " instead of fearing being the bad son or bad daughter, embrace it! Say, "so what I'm the bad son" and like the sun will rise the the same as it would anyways."
Talk about some instant healing! I'm almost thirty-five hundred miles away from my NPD Mom and yesterday she was trying to guilt me like this. I'm not the one who stole $10,000 from their employer. But that's the Golden Child. And I'm not jealous about that. I wouldn't trade to be him. Instead of worrying about them joking about how I must be jealous or something, you talk about this mental shift in your mind, and this video is giving me the tools that I never thought I could have
Everything you have said is really very insightful. I realise i am entrapped by my feelings and habitual emotional response to my narcissistic mother. I’ve made a lot of progress over the years, I've put a lot more distance between her and me but we still go around this cycle. She lures me back in, i help her and then months later she hacks me down again and i go into a personal spiral. I need to fully break free from this. Thank you for shedding some great light on the subject 🙏🏻
You are so welcome
I have another workshop coming up in April 10, 2021
“Overcoming Shame and Guilt with Family-of-origin Work
It will be April 10th Saturday 1-5pm EST on Zoom
Sign up on website to get info on workshops
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/event-details/overcoming-guilt-and-shame-through-family-of-origin-work-workshop
Sign up now
I also have three other workshops for rent or sale on my website:
• Introduction to Self-Differentiation-Workshop
• Reducing Your Reactivity-Workshop
• Getting Your Family-of-Origin Out of You-Workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Please join as a paid member for $1.99/month on my TH-cam channel, click JOIN and support the free videos on my TH-cam channel, also you will get notifications of upcoming events and additional
If you sign up now, I will be offering a live broadcast with my paid members on You Tube soon…
I cannot believe this has been happening all my life. I’m very thankful this video came to me. Spot on like a laser beam 😃. Now that I know it’s time for healing. Thanks again.
I’m here for both myself and my husband. My husband grew up in a home where both parents were narcissistic. I grew up in a healthy home, thankfully. I’m trying to learn more about what my husband has gone through in his life, and how I might be able to help him, whether it’s in actions I take or don’t take. I’m here for me because there are moments where my husband is extremely defensive and closed off and I need to be reminded that it’s nothing I’ve done, it’s simply a bad reaction to thoughts he’s having at this time. He’s been out of an unhealthy environment for a little over a year now, but it still haunts him and he carries around a lot of what’s happened in the past.
You’re an amazing wife for putting this type of effort in for your husband. Your description sounds a lot like myself. I have 2 narcissistic parents (one could be borderline personality disorder also) and I just recently cut ties with both of my parents. The guilt is enormous but I’m pushing through. You always have those thoughts of “Maybe they aren’t actually narcissistic and this is just all my fault”. It’s crazy how short of a memory you can have when you want something to be true. Or at least for the guilt to stop. My wife doesn’t fully understand and this will likely lead to our divorce (which was somewhat likely to happen anyways). Big kiddos to you and the effort you put in for your husband
@@kevinsaint20 I hope things get better for you. It’s been almost 2 years since I commented on this video and I want to share a bit with you in hopes to encourage you in your journey dealing with the guilt you feel. My husband (while not completely over everything he endured with his parents) is leaps and bounds better than he was since cutting ties almost 3 years ago. Time will make it easier. He still confides in me a lot but that’s what I’m here for.
I’m sorry to hear your marriage is on the rocks. I know I don’t know the whole context but I do hope that gets better. I’m only speaking from experience of what has helped my marriage, but I would sit down with her and be completely honest about some of your struggles. Maybe you have already tried explaining things, and she just doesn’t get it. Or maybe she just doesn’t have the whole picture. Give her the benefit of the doubt and see if you can provide more context. Hopefully she listens. A confidant can be a wonderful help.
People use drugs and alcohol to numb the "feelings". I wish I could turn them off, NOT EASY. I have chosen the no contact method, I've had to let go of my entire narc family, all my exes and many of my friends. I've been through way too much, I was such a good sweet little girl that was born into the most hellish home on this planet and I can't get it out of my head no matter how hard I try. I do not stay in those kinds of relationships, I leave. I ran away form home at 14 dam it, lived very hard life with no help from anyone. I deserve love and happiness, looking internally not externally. But the pain never goes away.
Often looking internally can be painful, especially if we weren’t taught to do so or if we were taught that looking internally SHOULD be painful. Keep looking internally and working through the pain❤️
My mother made me feel inferior, incapable, dependent, guilty, wrong, too sensitive, less of a woman, less beautiful, ashamed.
She let me know how my body features were not womanly enough, ridiculed my lips, breasts, back, legs and made sure that I understood how much more perfect she was looking. How men wanted her, how women envied her. Once she told me bluntly "you'll never be as great as I am". Normally she'd do this more covertly. The male friends I brought home had to give her all the attention, she couldn't leave me and them alone.
To this day she respects no boundaries. Sends messages every day, tries to keep me financially dependent.
All the while pretending to be the cutest mom on this planet.
I don't feel ready to go no contact, but I hope to manage to stick to the boundaries I set without her being able to wash them away over and over again with her guilt tripping.
I realize I have a choice. I realize it is my life and I decide how I want to live it and what I let in. I'm glad there are videos out there like this one.
Same here!
That makes me sick to my stomach! Screw your insensitive insecure mom.
I wish you courage!
I wish you strength.
@@ברכהה thankyou so much.🙏 It's not easy.
The worst manipulation is when they frighten a child. A hysterical, violent woman is terrifying to a child. Its like the Charlie Brown voice of the adults. Some women just don't need to be adopting children. They can cause a lifetime of fear and anxiety if not finally recognized as dangerous. For a lifetime. . I was the scapegoat because my mother never trusted women. Been gone 9 years and I finally have the bravery to try to face this. But God only knows what she told the whole world that was all because I had to escape her abuse. Her last words were said by a flying monkey. "You know your mother Really loved you". I said "I know" and ran. Always had to have the last word. The final guilt to clean up her mess. Somebody had to do it. . but who knows why this was even a topic of discussion with a complete stranger. We have to be very guarded with our personal lives. Because, evidently, we weren't respected and were encouraged to be "nice". Because they were "nice" to us, sometimes. When they needed something. While they were stabbing us in the back behind closed doors.
Thank you for this information it's been so helpful. It's made me realize that my biggest problem atm and what I need to work on is that after61 years of manipulation and abuse from a malignant narcissist for a mum, I don't know what is the appropriate response of an adult. The "so what" was for me the fear of mum's punishments. My biggest weakness is my dogs who I adore. Mum has got rid of some, thrown them out when I'm not looking and even killed a few and always watched with glee at my grief. She has caused financial problems too as punishment for my non comliance. The "so what" I'm going to struggle with the most
So what is... my vindictive mother would do everything in her power to destroy my life.
Jerry I hope you prepare your clients for the back lash when they set boundaries with their narc or unhealthy family member. I set boundaries with my CN mom and she threw everything she had at me to get me back into line. I stayed strong g and had to go no contact.
Patricia Simons this happened to me as well. My father 61, tried to physically take out frustration on me age 30. It obviously didn’t work like it did when I was a child. So he ran to the police immediately after I walked away, fed them a victim story that didn’t hold water and ran to several family members and friends of mine trying to think of ways to hurt my reputation and cause problems.
My parents have started to become more passive aggressive whenever I’ve set up boundaries too. I stopped telling them where I was going, started hanging out with my friend every day after class, etc. I wasn’t trying to be sneaky (like my mother accuses me of being), I just am not emotionally attached to my parents enough to let them know where I’m going. And I also want some damn freedom and privacy every once in a while. I found out my parents were tracking me recently and I can’t turn it off (find my iPhone, I’m 21 and still have parental controls on the phone they gave me). I found out after she asked where I was when I went to Walgreens with my friend. They wouldn’t have asked that if they weren’t tracking me, they’re used to me coming home later and I had already told them I was going to a talent show that night. My parents have also taken to using the friend I’ve been mentioning as a scapegoat. “You’ve been so much more angry since you met them. I think they’re influencing you. They want you to hate your parents as much as they hate their parents”. For context my friend uses they/them pronouns and has an emotionally abusive mom. So yah. And they say that I’m ruining our relationship, not them. “Don’t blame us when we stop being supportive of you” or “don’t blame us when your relationship with us disappears”. Good because I want to go as no contact as possible, by doing that they’ll just make that easier.
Thank God
Yes, there is a huge backlash. They will literally destroy your life when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong in life. I deal with one who threatens legal action because he wants me to be quiet about the things he does to hurt me. Years ago he manufactured lies and tried to get my kid taken from me. He ended up looking like he had mental problems though. He called police on me multiple times in one day and they had to put him in line and told me that he has mental issues. They don’t want you caring them out or even ignoring them they try to destroy your life so you will talk to them. They are sick sick people who will hurt you.
@@Coyote-wm5op I recently just went through this myself 68 and 40, he tryed to set me up with the police to control me. Its been 20+YEARS since i have been independent but they NEVER stop. I distanced myself years ago but was brought back into his life after my mother died. Just goes to show you, THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Thank you sir this is what I needed I will be watching this a lot I'm a 35yr old abused man child I even moved 200+ mi. Away and was followed by my parent and my life has been returned to a living hell and this is hard to figure out
I would love for you to make more videos about standing up against narcissistic parents
i *thank you* for all of the work you do, trying to help victims/survivors of narc abuse... i must say however, that "so what" can be very dangerous in some cases. i have a chronic progressive nervous system illness and am on disability, which has left me broken in every way... including financially, so right now *if i want to have a roof over my head* i do not dare say "so what" to them. that could *easily* (i am sad and afraid to say) end up with me having nowhere to live and being homeless AND in chronic medical need. and my 'golden child' brother has told me that if something like that *did happen* , "don't think you can come here (his house), you can't come here." ... despite the fully furnished basement apartment he has. so... yeah i am quite careful about saying something like that.
*the scapegoat will be TOLERATED in the family as long as they go along with the horrifying program... if not, you will be discarded like an old rag even from your own family* ! it always reminds me of the quote "go not where you are tolerated, but instead go where you are celebrated." except... i am not sure i even know what "being celebrated" looks, sounds, or feels like *at 50 years old* ! smh... just made mySELF cry..
Celebrate YAH and yourself. That’s a start.
I was brow beaten into feeling bad wrong not good enough. The severe abuse was lessened if I was miserable. It became subconsciousness knee jerk reaction. It was not until I called them out on their abuse, my mom and brother, and gas lighting and got really angry at them that I felt much better. They were intentionally jeopardizing my life and I had enough of the suck toxic abuse. Glad to have that family our of my life. Abusers do not change and plot to punish if we put their crap back on them.
You just granted me freedom. Thank you sir👍🌸
You are most welcome
Thank you so much, mr Wise.
I watched so many videos and read so many texts by experts about the concepts and mechanisms of relationship to narcissistic disordered persons, but i never felt this deep inner permission to accept those and get rid of my chronic feelings of guilt. Your presentation and choice of words finally penetrated my armor of denial and self hate.
So again: thank you very, very much!
That "So What" is a good one thank you.
I finally told her enough is enough. Either she was in a healthy relationship with me or not and she choose not to be. So I cut all contact with my narc mother and never going back and I don't care what she says or does. I've been hurt too long and am unbothered by her and am living my life happily
Thanks for all your videos, I could have used this 7 years ago with a family blow up, I’m proud that we handled as you suggested, so your videos help confirm that, and for other issues, so helpful!
Jerry your man is an island and bridge and walk way is excellent. When my father died I did not go to the wake nor the funeral and burial, now i feel better a brake had to take place I would advise others to stay away from family members who hurt them.
I relate bro
I agree with you and for many this is the case, stay the hell away for good!!
Here are the links.... for even greater emotional awareness/setting boudaries/ground rules for living..all imperative!!
Title: The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Paperback
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-Yourse...tries%2A=0
When Pleasing You Is Killing Me - Paperback
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-You...tries%2A=0
..here are some additional tools you can gather and utlize in your spiritual,energetic tool box if you do choose. no selling,no bull, just authentic extenion of goodwill.... check out the book "You Can Heal Your Life by louise l. hay Free on PDF format or Amazon,eBay ,abesbooks all have a physical copy.
eduardolbm.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/you-can-heal-your-life-louise-l-hay.pdf dr.phyllis light's book 'love now here how" its really part II of her first book
lighthealing.com is the site.
more additional game changers, IMHO!!
lighthealing.com the personal rejuvenizer's,clearings and more...
Game changers for shure !!
Subliminal-talk.com
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement!
intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho.
remedies.net/ Essiac Tea
supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more
IMHO! all the best. all of this stuff is more to be expereinces than webistes can replay.... some it may look like fru fru bullshit, trust me they are not. any who good luck us both in the rest of 2020 and into 2021. peace. Keith
lighthealing.com Keith
Game changers for shure !!
Subliminal-talk.com
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement!
intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho.
remedies.net/ Essiac Tea
supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more
IMHO!
lighthealing.us/Cameron-Steele-CR_728v01.mp3
You made correct choice. I went to my Dad funeral and was treated like crap by family members.
@@goldheartminer7069 Thank You
Hell yes! I finally did that at age 30 with everyone around me telling me I'm judgemental, projecting, ungrateful for what they did, playing victim, being unkind, need to just forgive, I should give them another chance, I'm mean and onnnnn and onnn
Truth is they aren't going to change, I can't change them, I don't need them to change, even if they did change I don't need the better version of them, I'm not the one to help them change, there are millions of other people they can go to. I don't need them and they don't need me.
Expected love due to blood ties is archaic. Family is who you choose and who chooses you out of kindness, respect and mutual interest.
We are adults we don't owe you anything and you don't owe us anything. We are each responsible for our own healing.
All parents and potential parents should be subject to testing and certification Before they are allowed to have kids and annual check ins when they have kids. It is Not ok that parents are not ticketed or held accountable with consequences for the neglectful and traumatic things they do.
It takes years to get here . But only through TH-cam videos like this can most of us begin to understand and address what the hell is going on .Has gone on . I no longer talk to my family . Never ever thought this would be so . I heard toxicity..I know who the toxic bitches are in my family . My closest family members unfortunately.
Wow, thank you so much, Jerry! I'm now the bad sister of my brother who's triangulating together with my father and his girlfriend against me.
WOW! 'So what' is such a freeing statement. Thanks for this! I might even try it on my narcissist dad.
Your insight & info is spot on, in depth , gets to the root cause /core issues. Thx so much for putting effort into your TH-cam videos. They help greatly. You’re making a positive difference. 👏
Wow...So what?
I really learnt something positive that I missed.. thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Their mind control is preventing me from leaving.
Well I've never heard it put this way. I've been told for so long I'm bad and tried to defend myself. He is right so what what is the worst thing that can happen. Thank you for putting it this way
I love this video have listened 10 times and have shared in groups.
Penelope if you email me at jerrywise5@gmail.com I will send you more resources (free). Jerry Thank you for watching and sharing with other folks
Jerry's two words save my life. "So what~".
This is so spot-on... the guilt trips and mind games from narcissistic parents are simply unreal, to people who have never lived through this sort of dynamic.
Thank you for watching.
Any donation would help in making these videos.
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/donations
I recall how everyone liked my brother who treated them like crap....and disliked me...so I reversed course and didnt care anymore....best thing ever...but I have been there for them but emotionally detached
I liked where he said, do not give your power away right before #1, don't let your emotions control your life... I've been so guilty of getting emotionally warn down countless times and giving in. Thats when the damage is being delivered in whatever form it's coming in.
This guy has some great points !!!
I agree with all of this and believe it to be very very helpful. The only thing I would like to question or disagree with is the idea that no one else can 'make me feel bad'. They can... that's how bullies operate. They find something about that you are embarrassed of, afraid of, ashamed of.. and when they've worked out what it is, they DELIBERATELY focus and target THAT aspect of you, your life, or your personality.
Ok, so you CAN work on yourself to over come it, but that can take many years, and is in some cases not possible. Otherwise there would be no such thing as racism, for example. Someone can covertly disregard you, ignore you, undermine you, marginalise you. That hurts.
Here are the links.... for even greater emotional awareness/setting boudaries/ground rules for living..all imperative!!
Title: The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life - Paperback
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-Yourse...tries%2A=0
When Pleasing You Is Killing Me - Paperback
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-You...tries%2A=0
..here are some additional tools you can gather and utlize in your spiritual,energetic tool box if you do choose. no selling,no bull, just authentic extenion of goodwill.... check out the book "You Can Heal Your Life by louise l. hay Free on PDF format or Amazon,eBay ,abesbooks all have a physical copy.
eduardolbm.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/you-can-heal-your-life-louise-l-hay.pdf dr.phyllis light's book 'love now here how" its really part II of her first book
lighthealing.com is the site.
more additional game changers, IMHO!!
lighthealing.com the personal rejuvenizer's,clearings and more...
Game changers for shure !!
Subliminal-talk.com
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement!
intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho.
remedies.net/ Essiac Tea
supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more
IMHO! all the best. all of this stuff is more to be expereinces than webistes can replay.... some it may look like fru fru bullshit, trust me they are not. any who good luck us both in the rest of 2020 and into 2021. peace. Keith
lighthealing.com Keith
Game changers for shure !!
Subliminal-talk.com
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/emotional-pain-relief-healing-aid-4-0/
www.subliminal-shop.com/product/ultra-success-luck-maximizer-4-2/ Very,Very Advanced Technology! Understatement!
intrasound.org/products DIVINE intervention in a bottle- au-natural.Bone/Muscle regen'/healing & more. imho.
remedies.net/ Essiac Tea
supergoodstuff.com (MSM/TGM-emotional balancer/bone/muslce regen/more
IMHO!
lighthealing.us/Cameron-Steele-CR_728v01.mp3
Hey, I believe his intention is to get the point across that it is a choice to become offended, triggered or simply emotionally activated whenever confronted with these types of people, especially bullies. He acknowledges that bullies are skilled at “hitting you where it hurts” but see if you choose to no longer allow it affect you so much, that’s when you take the power in their words away. One way to understand and grasp this concept is to imagine a specific scenario: “quitting a job” this type of situation could evoke completely different emotions from person to person because the event itself doesn’t dictate how you will feel but rather you will assign a meaning to that whether it be negative, positive, neutral, etc. Hope this helped & good luck on your journey. I know it can be discouraging at times
Strong solid advice presented in a calm and easy to follow way. Thank for your videos
I appreciate that!
Thank you for writing to me from the Avaiya Conference.
Here is your free gift AND I have added another free gift as well
Use both of these links to get your free content [either click them, or select and paste them in your address bar]
“Annihilation of Our Awareness”
drive.google.com/file/d/0B7LvCJ3_xPoRU2NHbGtLWlNQc00/view?usp=sharing
2. Here is a recent workshop on “Reducing Your Reactivity”
3.5 hours
drive.google.com/file/d/1fOQ_xMq9p_3wqFNVl7k4EGMchfNOvsZ1/view?usp=sharing
Wishing you the best in your life and recovery,
Jerry
Jerry T. Wise, MA, MS, CLC Jerry Wise Relationship Systems
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com
Be sure to subscribe to my You Tube Channel
th-cam.com/channels/ZWHfOsTVegeEFEXV56llWA.html
“Standing Strong as an Adult Child of the Narcissist”
Workshop
Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC
July 17th, 2021 Saturday, 1-5pm Eastern time
On Zoom
Topics:
The Illusions of the Narcissist
The Trauma of Adult Children of Narcissists
Living in the War Zone
7 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You Were Raised by a Narcissist
10 Ways Children of Narcissists Love Differently
Healing Your Inner Parts and Inner Bonding
Resisting Self-hate, Self-shaming, Self-rejection, Self-abandonment
Cutting the Emotional Umbilical Cord: Going No Contact or Low Contact with Toxic Parents
Superpowers All Adult Children of Narcissists Have
And more…
Lead by Jerry Wise Founder of Jerry Wise Relationship Systems and You-tubber of over 250 videos.
Q & A
Role Plays
Volunteer participation
You will receive the recorded workshop
You will receive the notes for the workshop
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/events
Responding emotionally to the scenario the parent or friend, (abuser) presents is not our own actual feelings, we should follow what we want to do and follow our true emotions.
Emotions that originate not in response to abuse, but in response to ourself.
Self love.
Self care.
Nobody should feel bad around friends or family EVER.
For me, what was the most important in life was family. And today I'm not seeing anyone anymore in my family. This world is shit.
I felt so much tension go out of me as I watched this and the tears began to flow. I am ready to be the "bad sister/daughter" my family has always "made me feel I am", not as an act of rebellion (which has usually been the case when I try to stand up), but as the first step in taking back my power. Thank you so much for making it seem doable. I am that infantalized adult who is completely reliant on family - financially and otherwise, and utterly depressed, as one might expect. With zero direction and very few life skills, I have failed as often as has been expected. Now my mother has dementia and of course, as I am the one without a real life and no other responsibilities, the role of caregiver has naturally fallen on me. Talk about enmeshment! Not only does success (or at least breaking free) terrify the inner child that has been programmed as the family scapegoat, but it also leaves me at a complete loss and fearful as to what will happen to my mother without me to care for her. This video at least helps me to understand these feelings to some degree so that I can begin the act of healing and growing. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!
Hi Linda I read your story it’s so very similar to mine , thanks for sharing please know your not alone in this and I want to keep the “hope It is way out for us ! “ 🌷
@@phoenixd9679 Thank you so much for responding. I hope all is well with you.
"It takes an emotional backbone and the ability to go without love and approval of others to change us within a relationship" --- I'm going to keep reminding myself about this saying in my healing journey. It's alright to be alone sometimes. It only fortifies us in the long run.
Amen
Very beautiful and poignant
Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!!
So glad I found your channel, God Bless.
I'm glad you here, thank you for being part of the community ❤️
My narcissistic parents hold an inheritance over my head and threaten to disinherit me. I'm at the point where I need to give up any idea of inheriting any money when they pass
They should be trying to help you NOW, not from the grave when they no longer need money.
My narcissistic dad completely ignores my immediate needs just to continue mentioning his everything he has will one day be mine (which is why I should mow his grass, take out his trash, and whatever else is required to take care of his property)
Narc parents don’t help you!
I think you need to get used to being disinherited, even if you do everything they say, they will still probably not give you a penny, so just let it go.
Thank you Jerry!
Most welcome!
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
You understand this subject.
Hi Jerry (sir)...Thank you so much...i am 60 yrs old,,,dealt with both of parents as NARC. my entire life...i have worked at peace,,,decades now...at least i know now...i was and are nice,,normal..and impath...Its like Narr...are Vampires...and their victims are the Angels...:)..Michael.
The feeling is never faulted. You feel what you feel, but what causes a feeling is to be questioned.
You were supposed to feel them to keep you in check...
So what??? Let them be mad, so simple!
I’m stuck in an abusive narcissist household
I'm sorry to hear this, I hope my work and videos can help you have healthier relationships ❤️
okay this video was by far the most helpful of the how to be free from the narcissistic parent. I knew for a long time that the problem lied in my mom and not me but every little thing she says still seems to trigger me. And i have heard time and time again that i should not give them that power and was just lost at that phrase. I know consciously that I'm not in the wrong and I do not wanna feel upset but i'm still left feeling like shit! But you saying so what! is just enlightening! yes! so what if i'm being a bad daughter! so what! i'll be the worst damn daughter in the history of bad daughters! WOW that is liberating!
I know this was made a few years ago but I’m thankful I found this video. Thank you
Here's a good one I was told tonight by one of my two Narcissistic parents. " I'm sorry you put pressure on yourself your whole life to please us instead of worrying about what you wanted out of life." Of course it's my fault. Nothing to do with living in fear if I didn't do what I was told to do.
😞😔
They destroy any ounce of confidence and self determination then when the work is done they top it off with pity. Which is the biggest blow.
Well fuck them. Go out and live your life.
I even lied about going to college so my father wouldn't go ape and kll me. Of course i didnt feel independent enough to move out and say f you i dont wanna go to college. Couldn't imagine living without them
Let them go bro,never go around them again not even when their on their death bed and they will feel
Thank you Jerry !
You are very welcome!
"SO What?!" Love it!
thankyou so much you are an angel in disguise
Excellent. I’ve attracted narcissists my entire life
Finally, a video describing what to do and not just describing the situation!
I really needed this video today. Thank you for posting, I'm glad I stumbled upon your channel. Been feeling all kinds of guilt towards the in-laws and depressive rumination since they've been here and I will be watching your other video about types of guilt because that really messes me up, feeling guilty for doing my best.
In my family's case, not everyone would survive and live and life didn't go on. Our lives are not all the same.
People definitely have different experiences and circumstances, I agree with that
I would imagine that children who were made to feel certain ways by those in charge of them growing up would end up trying to do the same thing to their children. Same as children who were bullied by their parents grow up to be bullies because they feel entitled to pay that bullying forward, and as they were made feel insecure, scared and confused, they need to get that self respect back, and as they can't get it from themselves, their parents or their peers, they try instead to take it from their children. They would get a rush from making their children feel things, it would give them a sense of power which would be highly addictive i imagine, especially if they suffered from low self esteem their whole life.
I don’t think that’s true at all.
I found that my three brothers and I all made efforts to go out of our way to raise our children in the opposite way we were raised. Even though we were conditioned not to talk about anything real growing up, each time I was with my brothers in person over the years, one of us would eventually utter quietly, “we are doing a better job than they did right?” We would all nod and agree without saying much else. But now I can see how much each of us needed that affirmation. All of us developed real relationships with our children. Nothing is perfect of course but it’s a start. We had no desire to do to our children what was done to us.
@@anne3230 You mean its not true for you, surely you could see that it'd be true for some people.
Great message!!! Thank you my friend
You are very welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed the video!
Thank you !!! I always feel so uncomfortable going to family functions being judged that I’m fat and not married and what job do I have now . I always felt so bad . I also had the worst friends. I need people who lift me up just as much as I try to lift others up. Seems like I’m all alone In This . Oh yea and I cause my moms stomach unclers
We are alone in this, and this isn't a bad thing (Maybe that is what we were taught? where did we learn this?). Only through our aloneness can we truly learn to connect to others, aloneness- is about connecting to ourselves.
Self differentiation is about learning to lift ourselves up while allowing others to lift themselves up- no matter if they choose to do so or not.
You might find these videos helpful:
Healing your aloneness- th-cam.com/video/17UKLP4nXa8/w-d-xo.html
Letting everyone around you grow up- th-cam.com/video/yN3n3zOA37I/w-d-xo.html
@@jerrywise thanks I really appreciate this
😊 Thanks for uploading this video.
You’re welcome, thanks for being part of the community 😊❤️