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Neglect reinforces to you that you are not worth anyone’s time or effort. You don’t matter, life goes on no matter what you are experiencing, need or feel. That’s the terrible damage of being cast aside by original care takers. It’s in the fabric of your makeup. You can’t fight against it like you can name calling, shaming or physical/ sexual abuse. It’s insidious and sometimes can’t identify it.
Emotional neglect is so damaging because if your basic needs for survival are met, you equate that with love. It isn't. Social services for people who are homeless provide the same kind of care our parents did. it comes from a sense of obligation and even guilt. No one spends time talking to these people. No one includes them in their lives as friends, companions. They know no one really cares. They want to be included.
Wonderful observation. And probably light years ahead of our society. And it makes their plight all the more heart breaking. That of the unheard victims, the unacknowledged victims ...it's always ten times worse being invalidated. And here you point out a pattern of such suffering. ...I imagine that when we cross over, we will get a good sense of all the unrecognised suffering around us, and also in us, that went unacknowledged by us and our culture. It will be an eye opener for sure.
At the age of 50, I just realized that I have been neglected by my family for years. I felt shame, self doubting, desperately wanted to get their caring and that invites more negligence. Thank you wholeheartedly Jerry for all the information you have been provided. I identified my issue and this is a great start to heal my inner child
I remember when I was a teenager I was being sexually harassed by a middle aged employer, I told my parents, they looked at each other and rolled their eyes then went back to watching TV. I finally went to the employer’s secretary- BIG MISTAKE. I was fired soon after. I told my parents - they said it was my fault for getting fired. They continued to do business with the man who sexually harassed me. I felt such shame. I now look back on that and think- ‘how messed up is that’?
I’m so sorry that you went through that horrific trauma. I try to remind myself that God sees it all and someday those people will have to stand before Him and give an account for their actions or lack there of.
Agree your parents didn’t support you. But you got out of that situation by being fired and maybe before something worse happened. Also agree it sucks because when we are children we lack life experience. (I hate to say it, but I think the older generation(s) tended to be fine with sexual harassment in general which is also creepy but true.) Clearly you already knew an old man harassing you was wrong. You also learned something about who your parents were morally. There were 4 adults in your story and as far as any of us here are concerned all 4 of the adults were wrong. YOU were the most emotionally mature person in the situation. You can reframe how you think about it. And it probably has affected how you feel about supporting children or people who need support in your life after that. Be proud of yourself for sticking up for yourself even after your parents scoffed at you. You were the only person doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t the easiest thing to do, it’s just the right thing. A weaker soul may have ended raped by that creepy man. That would have been far more traumatic and far more wrong. (Sorry I assume you are female, and I don’t know that 🙂) I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too.
Between my mother, father and older sister there was no one to talk to about my feelings or fears. Now I trying to defeat the codependency that developed in me. WHEW!
I'm glad this 'silent' form of abuse is starting to be understood better and talked about. Thank you very much for the list of resources; I can see there's another big book haul coming for me.
At the age of3-40 I knew that I was not comfortable ANYWHERE. That's the very word I used, not comfortable anywhere. What a disgrace to do that to a child.
Growing up I could only have 3 sets of underwear. One on my back, one in the drawer and one in the washing machine. I maintained this self neglect long after I was married and making my own money. Than one day the lightbulb switched on. And I said well I can afford more that 3 sets of underwear. So I have been treating myself to nice reasonable quantities of underwear.
It's interesting right, what's very normal for healthy people is a luxury, a treat for us. We need to define what's "the norm" and "the lux" ourselves I think to get out of their projections.
My mother needed kids because she was lonely and fed up of her neglectful husband now we are 3 putting up with toxic environment created by unhealed wounded parents.
I highly recommend that anyone watching this video (which is excellent, by the way), that they also read Gabor Mate's book "When the Body Says No". He even references Family Systems Theory in it. But he highlights how tough childhoods set people up for physical illness. Parentification is perhaps a particularly lethal trait to instill in children, via neglect, as personality types (according to Dr Mate) who tend to compulsively look after others and neglect themselves, feature very strongly in study after study of cancer patients and those with other serious illnesses like ALS, arthritis, MS and others. Edit: The material taught here by Jerry Wise, and similar standard of help on healing Codependency and inner child wounding...should in fact be required learning in schools. And our society should be remodelled so that emotional health is finally properly recognised as crucial to welfare, really it should be a human right. Hopefully making this a reality is closer to us than far from us. I really hope so.
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. It is in my 30s that I have learned proper hygiene and self-care for the first time. I struggle even to exercise because I feel I don’t deserve to take that time of leisure and idleness for myself. I have to constantly remind myself I am allowed to spend time and money on me. I still have so much progress to go, but at least I’m learning how to provide myself with the basics (like a warm jacket every winter!) and I have items in good condition as needed. I hope everyone on this painful journey can recover. God bless you all for your efforts.❤
Thank you very much! Yes, the neglect from parents is like a silent killer. It's even worst if both of the parents are neglecting your needs. And that's a classic example of narcissistic parents that do even much more harm a part from the neglecting part.
Man! I received metal,physical and neglect abuse! Yet, I still moved forward with my life and it’s still difficult setting boundaries. I appreciate your help! Thankyou!
I felt different than my peers, who could express feelings so easily & I was raised by a mother who thought expressing feelings was low-class. So I bought a feelings wheel & I've been working on identifying my feelings. I feel a new freedom in my soul.
Me too- I couldn't believe how the kids I knew would just say or do almost whatever without fear. Kids acting up in class around adults was so foreign to me. "Weren't they scared?"
I've watched so many videos and read so much on this topic. This has at last hit the nail on the head for me in explaining certain things I've struggled with. Consequently, it also lessens shame I've carried on top of things like poor boundaries and too much automatic absorbing of others' criticism. ...That's a big deal, in fact.
I had the hardest time with boundaries, with anything, myself,others, situations,etc. I think it was mainly that I had the perception that boundaries made me less flexible to adapt to the constant shit show my life has always been. I learned otherwise and now I look forward to using my creativity for building boundaries instead of using my creativity for CRAPFITTING.
I almost had an opposite reaction, to some extent, because I did receive support, mentoring, tenderness, guidance, and encouragement outside the family. I came to understand that my family wasn't representative of the community or society at large. However, I still felt a sense of underlying shame, less confidence or sense of ease and a feeling of often being an outsider or not belonging in a deeper sense. Lots to work through.
I'm so glad you had someone at least. They say if a child has even one person who genuinely cares, they can shift a lot of outcomes, just from that. I had a teacher who cared, but she didn't appear in my life until 9th grade. By then I was a teen, so the major damage had been done. A year later, she was out of my life, so then there were all the teen years to survive. Anyway, thank you for sharing. You matter!!
Otoh I had this thought while watching the video, that some kids get too much care and attention, and expect anyone to behave their way... Maybe the most important for neglected kids is to learn to care about themselves, while spoiled kids need to learn empathy for others?
Neglect manifests everywhere in life, work, intimacy, self worth, self care, and everything. Every day, I remind myself i am worth it and that love is available to me just as it is available to anyone. The longer I am away from my family of origin the more I am appalled by the lack of parenting I experienced.
I was neglected as a Child from 3 to 5. I was locked in a tiny wardrobe. I nearly died from Gastroentiritis & went to hospital at 4.5 yrs old. The only real benefit from being in solitary comfinememt is I have a perfect photographic memory. I went back to the house on the hill to see my bedroom 20yrs later. The new owners had turned my bedroom into wardrobe & had bricked in the tiny window, they couldn't believe it was a bedroom. My sisters bedrooms were huge. I also went next door to speak to the neighbours. They told me so much about my parents, in fact it was amazing to learn more about my parents from a different persons perspective. The next door neighbours said they knew I existed because they never saw me in the 3 yrs I was there. But like you say, neglect is serious abuse. But as you get older you realise it was only part of it. I am 61 now, I have had a good life but I am finally finding time for myself. Your videos are way better than therapy. I have been following others online. It is funny how I have come to the same conclusions throughout my life. It can take all your life to find your true self. Maintaining constant contact with your true self & self love is an art. It helps me love others unconditionally. I don't feel lonely, but occassionally self neglect does creep in.
My brother's wife told me, soon after they married, that when I was born - I ruined my brother;s childhood and my mother's life. It came out thru her words what I always felt is true, so yes, my life is ruined because I am abused horribly, even that I have no contact with them.
you hit the nail on the head and went over so many relevant points for the topic Jerry. Especially when you touched the reasons some people have kids. I hate the societal "pedestal" they put on parents that almost attach a saint like quality because people decided to have kids. oh so that must mean they are these mature self sacrificial people who gave up their lives to bring new life into the world. Ugh no. Im of the opinion most people have children because they are afraid of being stigmatized if they dont have kids. theyre afraid of being seen as selfish. and in a lot of cases when babies are born in an unmarried couple, its because the girl is scared of losing her boyfriend so she has sex whenever he wants, doesnt enforce rules like wearking condoms, ope she got pregnant. and its also a fear women have that if they dont hurry up and get a boyfriend and have kids before theyre 30 then they will lose their chance and be alone and miserable forever. they only see their worth of having kids and a man in their life and reflect that as some sort of status. I think its a lot more admirable to be educated and established first. its is harder nowadays and will take longer with the economy. but ive always felt if im not able to secure a spouse and have kids before i longer can, then theres adoption. and God knows there are so many parentless children that need a good home with a stable and established secure parented home to grow in.
Mr. Jerry, you help me so much. Sometimes I need a break from thinking about all this, so I'm sure doing these videos could wear on a person. Thank you so much! I think you're improving lives. 🧸
I couldn't agree with you more and I just hope that we can find some solutions because I get burnt out on all of these diagnoses and feel sorry for myself at times and hopeless
I'm doing by best to find time (I really struggle to make the time, having been hauled, by my ever-neglectful siblings, into acting as sole, full-time, live-in carer to the core narcissist from my family of origin, who is now 100 years old) to watch as many of Jerry's vids as I can, every day that I can. At the moment, they are all I have in the way of expert support, because I can't afford counsellors or therapists, and I'm trapped here in my mother's house most of every day, unable to work and receiving no income of any kind. I also find that the content (excellent though it all appears to be, invaluable to understanding and potential healing - and free, thanks so much for that Jerry!) is wearing and painful and hard to work through without having feelings of despair and hopelessness washing around inside me as I watch. But I just keep on trusting that the cumulative effect of bravely wading through the free material here, making notes on my phone and making connections between the videos and info, I will eventually achieve enough accumulated knowledge and skills to break me free from my situation. I've heard there is no gain without pain. The videos here would seem to back this idea up. Thanks again Jerry. Your work on behalf of all people from/in toxic narcissistic family relationships and systems is generous and life-saving. Especially for people who have nothing else, such as myself.
Even when we understand the reasons that our parents were unable to care for us as children, the way that they should. It still takes a lot of work to recover from neglect and abuse . My parents survived the war years of WW2 in Europe and all that entailed . They went through a lot and there was no counseling after the war. I'm not angry or resentful of them anymore. But it's still a task to heal from their hurts.
Thank you. This is perfect description of my childhood neglect. And my siblings. I too have a dental legacy and pay for expensive dental care now and always will. 🙏🙏
If you have close friends u can share the process with and who understand, you don't feel lonely. U feel seen loved understood, not alone & heard which helps tremendously. Not to solve it for us.. But to be with us through it. Also if u found a secure partner that def helps so so much with healing. But, it def is all a process.. I'm still learning and the wounds stay, but each time it's deeper & it can be hard but also it's great to always learn & keep having that loving relationship with yourself..always learning. I'm so grateful to be where I am now than where I used to be.. And I'm excited to keep learning coz there's always something new.. Some days are crap and then it's good. The hard work & joy in-between is worth it. I've read 2 of the books he's mentioned year's ago.. They were helpful🙏🌻
It's hard because once many of us, particularly women, enter adulthood, doctors etc treat us the same or worse than many of our parents did. So we try and get our medical or other needs attended to, and are met with hostility or beliting neglect at best, abuse or other harm at worst. As a kid, as long as I got to the doctor, the doctor usually tried to treat the issue. Now whether my parent would take me or allow me to go is a different story. But if they did, the doc would investigate and treat if necessary. Once I became a teen and then adult, doctors started attributing regular sickness or physical issues/injuries to me "being upset because you aren't married" or when I was a teen, "Your stomach pain is from not having a car" (when I didn't care about having a car or not). Crazy stuff.
Thanks Jerry, your videos have been of great help to me in healing from the dumpster fire that was my childhood. You really hit the nail on the head with your pendulum analogy. I've come to recognize this pattern in myself and also in people around me. I try to explain it to people whenever I see it happening because it helps so much in being more understanding and patient towards people who are clearly struggling.
This is the most wonderful eyeopening talk I have ever experienced. 54 yrs old both parents gone now and struggle with loneliness. I am biracial always caught between 2 cultures never belong, the loneliness! hopelessness,! but have learned more from watching Mr. Wise more than any therapy session or 12 step . Feeling blessed to have discovered Mr. Wise. Hopeful!!
My father let me ditch classes a few dozen times the last 6 months I was in high school and I failed my English class. I had to retake the class during summer school to graduate high school. He probably wouldn't have notice if I had been missing for a few days. When I was 15 years-old he got divorced and was leaning on my shoulder a lot for emotional support when I was the one who needed it. I started smoking weed in high school to cope with things.
I've read the Lindsay Gibson books - phenomenal! That moment when you realize who they are and who you need to be...priceless! Jerry, I planning to join your Road to Self program. Haven't found a local therapist who is well versed on these issues.
Your explanation and understand of this subject of childhood emotional neglect is amazing .. helping me understand with such clarity the root of my self-neglect and codependency. Thank you so much Mr. Jerry Wise. I commented about your weight around 10 years ago (my username was different at that time I couldn’t remember what it was) out of worry for you not to be able to contribute and share your gift to the world anymore. Now that I found your channel again, I am so glad you are still around, active and look much much healthier :) Thank you for all you do. God bless you always.
Thank you, Jerry I have it, all of it. And it is very upsetting and disturbing. Emotionally, even mentally... And for 64 years old woman hard to bear...
Thank you for your videos. I am so sorry for what you experienced with the narcissistic person or people in your life. I am a (mostly) recovered COVERT narcissistic abuse victim (extreme empath who cared more about everyone else than myself & was easily manipulated) (divorced him 12 yrs ago). I didn't know he was a covert narcissist until I went to my FIFTH therapist (in 6 years) six years ago, who unbeknownst to me, specialized in narcissism and diagnosed him during our first appointment. Six years of weekly therapy (with little help) and no one ever brought up covert narcissism. They didn't bring up narcissism at all because he wasn't an overt narcissist where it was obvious. Most therapists told me he had ADHD or Asperger's. Because it's covert, very hard to diagnose unless you've been through it or specialize in it. My 21-year-old daughter has been stuck for many years, is getting worse. She refuses to start her recovery and healing journey because it's too painful to talk about it. Whenever I ask her to talk about her feelings or consider therapy again, she gets angry & calls me toxic (which I know is because she's being triggered by the thought of facing it). I had her in 5 years of therapy and two outpatient programs and nothing helped (before I knew the dad's diagnosis). So many CN victims don't get helped because the every day therapist doesn't recognize it. Majority of narcissists don't go to therapy. I cannot find any outpatient or inpatient programs that have anyone on their staff that specializes in covert narcissistic abuse. If you Jerry, or anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I am worried as the covert narcissist parent is talking about putting her in a boarding program that specializes in helping women "overcome the effects of the Covid pandemic". 🤦🏻♀️ never in his life has he ever expressed any care or concern for his daughter's struggles - never had asked her what's going on. He wants to put her in this program because her worse struggling is bothersome for him. The Covid outbreak may have triggered her trauma wound causing more anxiety and fear, but it was not the cause. Clearly he's not going to suggest finding a program that can help her recover from her narcissistic trauma. Any suggestions, Jerry? Anyone? Im desperate to help my daughter. Thank you! 🙏🏼 Pamela
Thank You for covering this topic! I grew up with this type of abuse and did a lot of healing work in my 20’s with therapy and self care. I knew it hurt me, but my mother didn’t physically hit or humiliate me like she did with my 2 older sisters, so I had some survivors guilt around that until I started getting help. Paid for my own dental care:braces college and therapy. I remember at 6 sitting on the couch with toothaches many times and it occurred to me a decade later that my mother could have at least given me a Tylonal. You have a very good channel.💛
Yes, once you start down that trail, you learn more and more and find out things perhaps better left unknown. Life is difficult no matter which way we face it.
Its a problem if we have to tell others our wants and needs. I think people should know since we are all the same. A shrink said once that people feel abandoned which is human. If someone retreats from you, you will feel abandoned unless you dont care
Thank you so much! I'm hoping that someday I can help others with this kind of thing. People who take that initiative inspire me and help me heal and I want you to know how grateful I am for what you do Jerry, and the WAY you do it, I can tell you really do care, that doesn't go unnoticed 💙💙 Oh and, I was hoping maybe I could ask you to cover narcissistic siblings in a video someday, more specifically in tandem with parental neglect. It's a very confusing childhood I'll tell ya lol! But I would love to hear you talk about it Thanks for reading also! I really appreciate you and anyone else reading who might have a resource they don't mind replying with, hehe. luv yall, happy healing ✌️
❤ THANK YOU SO MUCH ❤ THIS VIDEO HAS A LOT PACKED IN IT THAT I REALLY CAN USE FOR FURTHER HEALING. I RELATE TO A LOT MORE THAN I REALIZED AND TRULY APPRECIATE THE FOLLOW UP EXTENSIONS YOU LEAVE FOR US AT THE END OF THE VIDEOS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSE ❤
@13:53 Actually, women who grew up with neglectful or abusive parents are NOT any more likely than women who didn't, to date or marry DV abusers. DV abuse expert Lundy Bancroft and others have debunked this popular myth. The book Why Does He Do That includes this info.
Thank you so much for the books recommendation.. I already had one of them which is Running on Empty by dr.Jonice Webb. I got them for 2 years.Just skim through the pages. Haven’t read it properly. Will find the time to read it.
Twin girls, separated at birth, one to a poor family, one to a well to do family. When they met as adults the deprived sister acted like a servant towards her well- to- do composed and superior twin sister. I could like the poor girl better.
Excellent information, thank you Jerry! I was neglected, so this was very eye-opening. And my husband was *smothered* by his mother & five sisters. They spent so much time "worrying" and getting overly involved in his life. They still behave this way. Do you have any videos that could help someone whose being smothered by their family? Probably something on unhealthy enmeshment ..??
People create these things for fun or just evilness. Some families hate and destroy other families and use parents to destroy the ones they hate. Lots of evil people in the world.
It's not personal I took on my father's role when he left being blamed and now my daughters getting it that I'm gone it takes such extremes to get their attention
It's insidious because you believe your view point and thoughts are objective truth. When i started to unravel this stuff i got scared... I mean what else did i miss?
Neglect is too much separateness and distance, yes, but relationships are paradoxical in nature, so too much closeness creates too much distance, too much distance creates too much closeness. Maybe it would help to read Robert Gilbert MD, Extraordinary Relationships, and Jenny Brown, "Growing Yourself Up". Thank you for watching Joseph....
I ended up not knowing how to insist on adequate care, I was traumatized with the delivery of my son. I didn't return for the follow up appointment for myself, and I haven't seen a medical doctor since. I am working with a psychiatrist and therapist, but the therapist I don't trust either. I don't correct her when she says things about me that aren't true, because I do not think she will believe me.
Basic things needed when growing up: allergy medications, specialist doctors, mental health support, emotional education and support. Praise. An adult interested in me.
@@PaigeSquared It is tough doing therapy. They are only people. Don't know everything. I am trying to figure out how to deal with putting my foot down and telling mine what is and isn't true, what's important and what isn't. Is that one of our many problems?: we can't set boundaries?
You are right. Where are the people who care? Oh, that's right their names were Mom and Dad. That train left the station a long time ago and nobody on it was looking back. We have no choice to accept that truth. Our parents failed us. This is just a fact. We are the only ones left to care about us. Pretend they loved you. Pretend they are looking at you and saying, "You matter. You can do it. You are wonderful, whole, good just as you are. You will make mistakes, but you will be stronger for them. You will get up, throw your shoulders back and be you without caring what anybody else tells you to be. You are loved and cherished. Look forward and cherish all of you." They were supposed to love you and provide the structure that would develop in you the strength to accept that you are good, capable and determined. They failed. You don't have to. You can and will stand on your own two feet and give to you what you deserve: unconditional love. Don't look back. Look forward.
@@nancybartley4610 it is definitely a boundary problem, but I don't fully know which aspects are unhealthy in the mindset. I had a caregiver that did the same thing, I learned that attempting to convince someone else of my own qualities, when they wanted to see something specific, is a useless endeavor. I used to get worked up and hurt about it; now I see it as a signal that someone is unsafe and unwilling to allow me to authentically represent myself. I remind myself when I'm with them that they are not dealing with me, that they are responding to their mental image of me. My caregiver needed to believe that I was just angry and unruly, because otherwise they would have had to do the emotional labor of validating everyone's feelings and teasing out the toxic dynamic, including their own part in it. I believe a lot of the time it is projection, labeling the intentions and beliefs of others. With my therapist, I don't know enough about her life to know why she makes the assumptions that she does. But I definitely watch what I say with her, since I know she will assume without asking.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Neglect reinforces to you that you are not worth anyone’s time or effort. You don’t matter, life goes on no matter what you are experiencing, need or feel. That’s the terrible damage of being cast aside by original care takers. It’s in the fabric of your makeup. You can’t fight against it like you can name calling, shaming or physical/ sexual abuse. It’s insidious and sometimes can’t identify it.
Emotional neglect is so damaging because if your basic needs for survival are met, you equate that with love. It isn't. Social services for people who are homeless provide the same kind of care our parents did. it comes from a sense of obligation and even guilt. No one spends time talking to these people. No one includes them in their lives as friends, companions. They know no one really cares. They want to be included.
Wow very well said!
Wonderful observation. And probably light years ahead of our society. And it makes their plight all the more heart breaking. That of the unheard victims, the unacknowledged victims ...it's always ten times worse being invalidated. And here you point out a pattern of such suffering. ...I imagine that when we cross over, we will get a good sense of all the unrecognised suffering around us, and also in us, that went unacknowledged by us and our culture. It will be an eye opener for sure.
@@lambchop6278 Check out "The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture" by Dr. Gabor Maté and Daniel Maté
Wow this is so much freeing for me
The homeless sometimes refer to themselves as the Invisible People. Kinda says it all, dunnit?
At the age of 50, I just realized that I have been neglected by my family for years. I felt shame, self doubting, desperately wanted to get their caring and that invites more negligence. Thank you wholeheartedly Jerry for all the information you have been provided. I identified my issue and this is a great start to heal my inner child
I remember when I was a teenager I was being sexually harassed by a middle aged employer, I told my parents, they looked at each other and rolled their eyes then went back to watching TV. I finally went to the employer’s secretary- BIG MISTAKE. I was fired soon after. I told my parents - they said it was my fault for getting fired. They continued to do business with the man who sexually harassed me. I felt such shame. I now look back on that and think- ‘how messed up is that’?
I'm so sorry 😞 you have to go through that... I hope you will find healing and release this one day
Very messed up!
Your abuser and your parents are pathetic for blaming you!
I’m so sorry that you went through that horrific trauma. I try to remind myself that God sees it all and someday those people will have to stand before Him and give an account for their actions or lack there of.
Agree your parents didn’t support you. But you got out of that situation by being fired and maybe before something worse happened. Also agree it sucks because when we are children we lack life experience. (I hate to say it, but I think the older generation(s) tended to be fine with sexual harassment in general which is also creepy but true.) Clearly you already knew an old man harassing you was wrong. You also learned something about who your parents were morally. There were 4 adults in your story and as far as any of us here are concerned all 4 of the adults were wrong. YOU were the most emotionally mature person in the situation. You can reframe how you think about it. And it probably has affected how you feel about supporting children or people who need support in your life after that. Be proud of yourself for sticking up for yourself even after your parents scoffed at you. You were the only person doing the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t the easiest thing to do, it’s just the right thing. A weaker soul may have ended raped by that creepy man. That would have been far more traumatic and far more wrong. (Sorry I assume you are female, and I don’t know that 🙂) I’m proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too.
Between my mother, father and older sister there was no one to talk to about my feelings or fears. Now I trying to defeat the codependency that developed in me. WHEW!
I'm glad this 'silent' form of abuse is starting to be understood better and talked about. Thank you very much for the list of resources; I can see there's another big book haul coming for me.
At the age of3-40 I knew that I was not comfortable ANYWHERE. That's the very word I used, not comfortable anywhere. What a disgrace to do that to a child.
Same for me . . .
Growing up I could only have 3 sets of underwear. One on my back, one in the drawer and one in the washing machine. I maintained this self neglect long after I was married and making my own money. Than one day the lightbulb switched on. And I said well I can afford more that 3 sets of underwear. So I have been treating myself to nice reasonable quantities of underwear.
A good example
It's interesting right, what's very normal for healthy people is a luxury, a treat for us. We need to define what's "the norm" and "the lux" ourselves I think to get out of their projections.
My mother needed kids because she was lonely and fed up of her neglectful husband now we are 3 putting up with toxic environment created by unhealed wounded parents.
Sounds like what I grew up with, both my brother and I were put out before our frontal cortex developed.
I highly recommend that anyone watching this video (which is excellent, by the way), that they also read Gabor Mate's book "When the Body Says No". He even references Family Systems Theory in it. But he highlights how tough childhoods set people up for physical illness. Parentification is perhaps a particularly lethal trait to instill in children, via neglect, as personality types (according to Dr Mate) who tend to compulsively look after others and neglect themselves, feature very strongly in study after study of cancer patients and those with other serious illnesses like ALS, arthritis, MS and others.
Edit: The material taught here by Jerry Wise, and similar standard of help on healing Codependency and inner child wounding...should in fact be required learning in schools. And our society should be remodelled so that emotional health is finally properly recognised as crucial to welfare, really it should be a human right. Hopefully making this a reality is closer to us than far from us. I really hope so.
Dr Gabor is great. I’m glad you enjoyed my video, thank you for watching
His new book is great, too. "The Myth of Normal - trauma, illness, and healing in a toxic culture."
I’ve been in therapy for 4 years now. It is in my 30s that I have learned proper hygiene and self-care for the first time. I struggle even to exercise because I feel I don’t deserve to take that time of leisure and idleness for myself. I have to constantly remind myself I am allowed to spend time and money on me. I still have so much progress to go, but at least I’m learning how to provide myself with the basics (like a warm jacket every winter!) and I have items in good condition as needed. I hope everyone on this painful journey can recover. God bless you all for your efforts.❤
Believing, understanding, & working through one’s personal Neglect is life-long. Outstanding communication Jerry!❤
Thank you very much! Yes, the neglect from parents is like a silent killer. It's even worst if both of the parents are neglecting your needs. And that's a classic example of narcissistic parents that do even much more harm a part from the neglecting part.
Man!
I received metal,physical and neglect abuse! Yet,
I still moved forward with my life and it’s still difficult setting boundaries. I appreciate your help! Thankyou!
I felt different than my peers, who could express feelings so easily & I was raised by a mother who thought expressing feelings was low-class. So I bought a feelings wheel & I've been working on identifying my feelings. I feel a new freedom in my soul.
Me too- I couldn't believe how the kids I knew would just say or do almost whatever without fear. Kids acting up in class around adults was so foreign to me. "Weren't they scared?"
My mother never cared about what I wanted. It was always about her, and what she wanted.
I never felt like I belonged anywhere, even at my best friend's house. Now I know why.
I've watched so many videos and read so much on this topic. This has at last hit the nail on the head for me in explaining certain things I've struggled with. Consequently, it also lessens shame I've carried on top of things like poor boundaries and too much automatic absorbing of others' criticism. ...That's a big deal, in fact.
I had the hardest time with boundaries, with anything, myself,others, situations,etc. I think it was mainly that I had the perception that boundaries made me less flexible to adapt to the constant shit show my life has always been. I learned otherwise and now I look forward to using my creativity for building boundaries instead of using my creativity for CRAPFITTING.
My parents did not even recognize that high school graduation was a venue, as we were launched out to college, of course paid for by ourselves.
I almost had an opposite reaction, to some extent, because I did receive support, mentoring, tenderness, guidance, and encouragement outside the family.
I came to understand that my family wasn't representative of the community or society at large.
However, I still felt a sense of underlying shame, less confidence or sense of ease and a feeling of often being an outsider or not belonging in a deeper sense. Lots to work through.
I'm so glad you had someone at least. They say if a child has even one person who genuinely cares, they can shift a lot of outcomes, just from that. I had a teacher who cared, but she didn't appear in my life until 9th grade. By then I was a teen, so the major damage had been done. A year later, she was out of my life, so then there were all the teen years to survive. Anyway, thank you for sharing. You matter!!
@@falconbritt5461
God help us all 🙏✝️💝
Otoh I had this thought while watching the video, that some kids get too much care and attention, and expect anyone to behave their way...
Maybe the most important for neglected kids is to learn to care about themselves, while spoiled kids need to learn empathy for others?
Neglect manifests everywhere in life, work, intimacy, self worth, self care, and everything. Every day, I remind myself i am worth it and that love is available to me just as it is available to anyone. The longer I am away from my family of origin the more I am appalled by the lack of parenting I experienced.
I was neglected as a Child from 3 to 5. I was locked in a tiny wardrobe. I nearly died from Gastroentiritis & went to hospital at 4.5 yrs old. The only real benefit from being in solitary comfinememt is I have a perfect photographic memory. I went back to the house on the hill to see my bedroom 20yrs later. The new owners had turned my bedroom into wardrobe & had bricked in the tiny window, they couldn't believe it was a bedroom. My sisters bedrooms were huge. I also went next door to speak to the neighbours. They told me so much about my parents, in fact it was amazing to learn more about my parents from a different persons perspective. The next door neighbours said they knew I existed because they never saw me in the 3 yrs I was there. But like you say, neglect is serious abuse. But as you get older you realise it was only part of it. I am 61 now, I have had a good life but I am finally finding time for myself. Your videos are way better than therapy. I have been following others online. It is funny how I have come to the same conclusions throughout my life. It can take all your life to find your true self. Maintaining constant contact with your true self & self love is an art. It helps me love others unconditionally. I don't feel lonely, but occassionally self neglect does creep in.
My brother's wife told me, soon after they married, that when I was born - I ruined my brother;s childhood and my mother's life. It came out thru her words what I always felt is true, so yes, my life is ruined because I am abused horribly, even that I have no contact with them.
you hit the nail on the head and went over so many relevant points for the topic Jerry. Especially when you touched the reasons some people have kids. I hate the societal "pedestal" they put on parents that almost attach a saint like quality because people decided to have kids. oh so that must mean they are these mature self sacrificial people who gave up their lives to bring new life into the world. Ugh no. Im of the opinion most people have children because they are afraid of being stigmatized if they dont have kids. theyre afraid of being seen as selfish. and in a lot of cases when babies are born in an unmarried couple, its because the girl is scared of losing her boyfriend so she has sex whenever he wants, doesnt enforce rules like wearking condoms, ope she got pregnant. and its also a fear women have that if they dont hurry up and get a boyfriend and have kids before theyre 30 then they will lose their chance and be alone and miserable forever. they only see their worth of having kids and a man in their life and reflect that as some sort of status. I think its a lot more admirable to be educated and established first. its is harder nowadays and will take longer with the economy. but ive always felt if im not able to secure a spouse and have kids before i longer can, then theres adoption. and God knows there are so many parentless children that need a good home with a stable and established secure parented home to grow in.
Mr. Jerry, you help me so much. Sometimes I need a break from thinking about all this, so I'm sure doing these videos could wear on a person. Thank you so much! I think you're improving lives. 🧸
I couldn't agree with you more and I just hope that we can find some solutions because I get burnt out on all of these diagnoses and feel sorry for myself at times and hopeless
I'm doing by best to find time (I really struggle to make the time, having been hauled, by my ever-neglectful siblings, into acting as sole, full-time, live-in carer to the core narcissist from my family of origin, who is now 100 years old) to watch as many of Jerry's vids as I can, every day that I can. At the moment, they are all I have in the way of expert support, because I can't afford counsellors or therapists, and I'm trapped here in my mother's house most of every day, unable to work and receiving no income of any kind. I also find that the content (excellent though it all appears to be, invaluable to understanding and potential healing - and free, thanks so much for that Jerry!) is wearing and painful and hard to work through without having feelings of despair and hopelessness washing around inside me as I watch. But I just keep on trusting that the cumulative effect of bravely wading through the free material here, making notes on my phone and making connections between the videos and info, I will eventually achieve enough accumulated knowledge and skills to break me free from my situation. I've heard there is no gain without pain. The videos here would seem to back this idea up. Thanks again Jerry. Your work on behalf of all people from/in toxic narcissistic family relationships and systems is generous and life-saving. Especially for people who have nothing else, such as myself.
Even when we understand the reasons that our parents were unable to care for us as children, the way that they should. It still takes a lot of work to recover from neglect and abuse . My parents survived the war years of WW2 in Europe and all that entailed . They went through a lot and there was no counseling after the war. I'm not angry or resentful of them anymore. But it's still a task to heal from their hurts.
Doing Great work, Jerry!!!! 🙏🏼❤️
Thank you Bryan, I’m grateful that you find my work helpful
Thank you. This is perfect description of my childhood neglect. And my siblings. I too have a dental legacy and pay for expensive dental care now and always will. 🙏🙏
Some people weren't meant to be parents...
I wholeheartedly believe that.
If you have close friends u can share the process with and who understand, you don't feel lonely. U feel seen loved understood, not alone & heard which helps tremendously. Not to solve it for us.. But to be with us through it.
Also if u found a secure partner that def helps so so much with healing. But, it def is all a process.. I'm still learning and the wounds stay, but each time it's deeper & it can be hard but also it's great to always learn & keep having that loving relationship with yourself..always learning.
I'm so grateful to be where I am now than where I used to be..
And I'm excited to keep learning coz there's always something new.. Some days are crap and then it's good. The hard work & joy in-between is worth it.
I've read 2 of the books he's mentioned year's ago.. They were helpful🙏🌻
Very well to described. 👏👏 I am still struggle to socialize and have few experience to socialize in society and fear of rejection, abandonement..
Physical health, FIRST, to start with.
It's hard because once many of us, particularly women, enter adulthood, doctors etc treat us the same or worse than many of our parents did. So we try and get our medical or other needs attended to, and are met with hostility or beliting neglect at best, abuse or other harm at worst. As a kid, as long as I got to the doctor, the doctor usually tried to treat the issue. Now whether my parent would take me or allow me to go is a different story. But if they did, the doc would investigate and treat if necessary. Once I became a teen and then adult, doctors started attributing regular sickness or physical issues/injuries to me "being upset because you aren't married" or when I was a teen, "Your stomach pain is from not having a car" (when I didn't care about having a car or not). Crazy stuff.
You're reading my mail this morning.
😊
same
Thanks Jerry, your videos have been of great help to me in healing from the dumpster fire that was my childhood.
You really hit the nail on the head with your pendulum analogy. I've come to recognize this pattern in myself and also in people around me.
I try to explain it to people whenever I see it happening because it helps so much in being more understanding and patient towards people who are clearly struggling.
This is the most wonderful eyeopening talk I have ever experienced. 54 yrs old both parents gone now and struggle with loneliness. I am biracial always caught between 2 cultures never belong, the loneliness! hopelessness,! but have learned more from watching Mr. Wise more than any therapy session or 12 step . Feeling blessed to have discovered Mr. Wise. Hopeful!!
My father let me ditch classes a few dozen times the last 6 months I was in high school and I failed my English class. I had to retake the class during summer school to graduate high school. He probably wouldn't have notice if I had been missing for a few days. When I was 15 years-old he got divorced and was leaning on my shoulder a lot for emotional support when I was the one who needed it. I started smoking weed in high school to cope with things.
Thank you Jerry for another great video. As usual, my wife and I got a lot out of it!
And also you make me understand why I always kept people at arm’s length..
It's such a nebulous form of abuse to define. You do it well, thank you!
I've read the Lindsay Gibson books - phenomenal! That moment when you realize who they are and who you need to be...priceless! Jerry, I planning to join your Road to Self program. Haven't found a local therapist who is well versed on these issues.
resonate, deep insights, much appreciated as always Jerry.
You’re very welcome Kareem, thank you for always supporting my work
Your explanation and understand of this subject of childhood emotional neglect is amazing .. helping me understand with such clarity the root of my self-neglect and codependency. Thank you so much Mr. Jerry Wise. I commented about your weight around 10 years ago (my username was different at that time I couldn’t remember what it was) out of worry for you not to be able to contribute and share your gift to the world anymore. Now that I found your channel again, I am so glad you are still around, active and look much much healthier :) Thank you for all you do. God bless you always.
I definitely experienced neglect
This is my category..childhood neglect.
Thank you, Jerry
I have it, all of it. And it is very upsetting and disturbing. Emotionally, even mentally... And for 64 years old woman hard to bear...
Fantastic information as always, Jerry! Thank you and thank you for the book recomendations!
Very good information here ! Thank you, Jerry!
Thank you for your videos. I am so sorry for what you experienced with the narcissistic person or people in your life. I am a (mostly) recovered COVERT narcissistic abuse victim (extreme empath who cared more about everyone else than myself & was easily manipulated) (divorced him 12 yrs ago). I didn't know he was a covert narcissist until I went to my FIFTH therapist (in 6 years) six years ago, who unbeknownst to me, specialized in narcissism and diagnosed him during our first appointment. Six years of weekly therapy (with little help) and no one ever brought up covert narcissism. They didn't bring up narcissism at all because he wasn't an overt narcissist where it was obvious. Most therapists told me he had ADHD or Asperger's. Because it's covert, very hard to diagnose unless you've been through it or specialize in it. My 21-year-old daughter has been stuck for many years, is getting worse. She refuses to start her recovery and healing journey because it's too painful to talk about it. Whenever I ask her to talk about her feelings or consider therapy again, she gets angry & calls me toxic (which I know is because she's being triggered by the thought of facing it). I had her in 5 years of therapy and two outpatient programs and nothing helped (before I knew the dad's diagnosis). So many CN victims don't get helped because the every day therapist doesn't recognize it. Majority of narcissists don't go to therapy. I cannot find any outpatient or inpatient programs that have anyone on their staff that specializes in covert narcissistic abuse. If you Jerry, or anyone has any suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. I am worried as the covert narcissist parent is talking about putting her in a boarding program that specializes in helping women "overcome the effects of the Covid pandemic". 🤦🏻♀️ never in his life has he ever expressed any care or concern for his daughter's struggles - never had asked her what's going on. He wants to put her in this program because her worse struggling is bothersome for him. The Covid outbreak may have triggered her trauma wound causing more anxiety and fear, but it was not the cause. Clearly he's not going to suggest finding a program that can help her recover from her narcissistic trauma. Any suggestions, Jerry? Anyone? Im desperate to help my daughter. Thank you! 🙏🏼 Pamela
Thank You for covering this topic! I grew up with this type of abuse and did a lot of healing work in my 20’s with therapy and self care. I knew it hurt me, but my mother didn’t physically hit or humiliate me like she did with my 2 older sisters, so I had some survivors guilt around that until I started getting help. Paid for my own dental care:braces college and therapy. I remember at 6 sitting on the couch with toothaches many times and it occurred to me a decade later that my mother could have at least given me a Tylonal.
You have a very good channel.💛
Thanks for your videos Jerry. My childhood was much like you describe. Both parents are dead now. I am now in recovery.
i do relate to all of this video.. i also see your self-differentiation tool kit which i have downloaded... i should look at that.. thanks
Thank you for this video. I appreciate the resources. Much to think about and perhaps work on.
You are very welcome, thank you for watching
Your content is healing. Thank you❤
I'm trying to be wise, but It is a lot more challenging than just being ignorant.
Yes, once you start down that trail, you learn more and more and find out things perhaps better left unknown. Life is difficult no matter which way we face it.
❤Thank you Jerry ❤YOUR THE BEST!!
Its a problem if we have to tell others our wants and needs. I think people should know since we are all the same. A shrink said once that people feel abandoned which is human. If someone retreats from you, you will feel abandoned unless you dont care
Yes never driven. 27 years anorexic lots of health issues .I had stuff but no emotional bonds .
No one will want me .I was there to look after him .
Thank you so much! I'm hoping that someday I can help others with this kind of thing. People who take that initiative inspire me and help me heal and I want you to know how grateful I am for what you do Jerry, and the WAY you do it, I can tell you really do care, that doesn't go unnoticed 💙💙
Oh and, I was hoping maybe I could ask you to cover narcissistic siblings in a video someday, more specifically in tandem with parental neglect. It's a very confusing childhood I'll tell ya lol! But I would love to hear you talk about it
Thanks for reading also! I really appreciate you and anyone else reading who might have a resource they don't mind replying with, hehe. luv yall, happy healing ✌️
Thank you Jerry. I really appreciate this topic.❤you are loved and respected for this work.
I appreciate that
Thank you so much for so important clear video❤
Glad it was helpful!
❤ THANK YOU SO MUCH ❤ THIS VIDEO HAS A LOT PACKED IN IT THAT I REALLY CAN USE FOR FURTHER HEALING. I RELATE TO A LOT MORE THAN I REALIZED AND TRULY APPRECIATE THE FOLLOW UP EXTENSIONS YOU LEAVE FOR US AT THE END OF THE VIDEOS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS AND EVERYONE ELSE ❤
I wasn't ready to be and had no idea what it meant to be a parent
Excellent summary. Thank you Jerry. I’m here from your May 10th email link.
Thanks!
Welcome!
@13:53 Actually, women who grew up with neglectful or abusive parents are NOT any more likely than women who didn't, to date or marry DV abusers. DV abuse expert Lundy Bancroft and others have debunked this popular myth. The book Why Does He Do That includes this info.
While I do like Lundy Bancroft. I would not tend to deify his research. Thanks for watching and commenting.
Brilliant video thank you
I don't even know how to want things anymore.
Thank you so much for the books recommendation.. I already had one of them which is Running on Empty by dr.Jonice Webb. I got them for 2 years.Just skim through the pages. Haven’t read it properly. Will find the time to read it.
Twin girls, separated at birth, one to a poor family, one to a well to do family. When they met as adults the deprived sister acted like a servant towards her well- to- do composed and superior twin sister. I could like the poor girl better.
A very interesting validation of the importance of self actualisation.
Thank you for this explanation. Ilive the way you explain some difficult topics. ❤
Thank you for this brilliant video. It has been very informative and supportive for me. God bless you❤
Glad it was helpful!
@@jerrywise thank you 🙏
Thank you, thank you!!❤
Excellent information, thank you Jerry! I was neglected, so this was very eye-opening. And my husband was *smothered* by his mother & five sisters. They spent so much time "worrying" and getting overly involved in his life. They still behave this way. Do you have any videos that could help someone whose being smothered by their family? Probably something on unhealthy enmeshment ..??
People create these things for fun or just evilness.
Some families hate and destroy other families and use parents to destroy the ones they hate.
Lots of evil people in the world.
It's not personal I took on my father's role when he left being blamed and now my daughters getting it that I'm gone it takes such extremes to get their attention
I have trouble developing adult relationships because I’m afraid they’ll end up being like my family.
I relate
What is the difference in trauma if you get educated or get therapy?
Not being helped with " money for a first car" is not a neglect, it could be earned 😮
It would be great if you could list the books you recommended in the video notes.
Here is the full list of book recommendations
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/book-list
@@jerrywise Wow, I can't believe you responded so fast. Thank you!
@@jerrywise Hmm, but that list is missing some of the most important books, such as the one by Jonice Webb, and Pete Walker's books.
Hello Jerry, I left many requests in your latest community post. I'm curious if any resonated with you :)
It's insidious because you believe your view point and thoughts are objective truth. When i started to unravel this stuff i got scared... I mean what else did i miss?
Yes, nevick2. It is scary and we face it alone. I spend too much time thinking about what happened and what role I played in it all.
Wow💚💚💚
Wow, allergy to intimacy. Why is this 150% me.
If enmeshment is too much togetherness, wouldn’t neglect be the opposite of that?
Neglect is too much separateness and distance, yes, but relationships are paradoxical in nature, so too much closeness creates too much distance, too much distance creates too much closeness. Maybe it would help to read Robert Gilbert MD, Extraordinary Relationships, and Jenny Brown, "Growing Yourself Up". Thank you for watching Joseph....
Thank you Jerry.
💖🙏
❤
parents were not able to choose the gender of their child before getting pregnant - the wrong gender can receive that treatment
.....are there people out there that will actually care?? I'm serious. Isn't everyone too busy?
I ended up not knowing how to insist on adequate care, I was traumatized with the delivery of my son. I didn't return for the follow up appointment for myself, and I haven't seen a medical doctor since. I am working with a psychiatrist and therapist, but the therapist I don't trust either. I don't correct her when she says things about me that aren't true, because I do not think she will believe me.
Basic things needed when growing up: allergy medications, specialist doctors, mental health support, emotional education and support. Praise. An adult interested in me.
@@PaigeSquared It is tough doing therapy. They are only people. Don't know everything. I am trying to figure out how to deal with putting my foot down and telling mine what is and isn't true, what's important and what isn't. Is that one of our many problems?: we can't set boundaries?
You are right. Where are the people who care? Oh, that's right their names were Mom and Dad. That train left the station a long time ago and nobody on it was looking back. We have no choice to accept that truth. Our parents failed us. This is just a fact. We are the only ones left to care about us. Pretend they loved you. Pretend they are looking at you and saying, "You matter. You can do it. You are wonderful, whole, good just as you are. You will make mistakes, but you will be stronger for them. You will get up, throw your shoulders back and be you without caring what anybody else tells you to be. You are loved and cherished. Look forward and cherish all of you." They were supposed to love you and provide the structure that would develop in you the strength to accept that you are good, capable and determined. They failed. You don't have to. You can and will stand on your own two feet and give to you what you deserve: unconditional love. Don't look back. Look forward.
@@nancybartley4610 it is definitely a boundary problem, but I don't fully know which aspects are unhealthy in the mindset. I had a caregiver that did the same thing, I learned that attempting to convince someone else of my own qualities, when they wanted to see something specific, is a useless endeavor. I used to get worked up and hurt about it; now I see it as a signal that someone is unsafe and unwilling to allow me to authentically represent myself. I remind myself when I'm with them that they are not dealing with me, that they are responding to their mental image of me. My caregiver needed to believe that I was just angry and unruly, because otherwise they would have had to do the emotional labor of validating everyone's feelings and teasing out the toxic dynamic, including their own part in it. I believe a lot of the time it is projection, labeling the intentions and beliefs of others. With my therapist, I don't know enough about her life to know why she makes the assumptions that she does. But I definitely watch what I say with her, since I know she will assume without asking.
L I'll 9