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Thanks for the info. Oftentimes, the self-loathing narcissistic mother doesn’t want anyone to know there are abusers and criminals in her family so she’ll go to great lengths to discredit police reports made by anyone brave enough to escape the dysfunctional “cult”
THIS. Literally let toddlers almost die left and right and then try to infantalize teens and adults. Because they don't actually CARE if you live or die. They care about two things: power and image. That's all.
Both parents were abuser narcissists. I purposely cut myself with razor blades (old fashioned kind) when I was four years old. Mom called a friend who bandaged me up. Mom was so nice. As soon as the friend left mom went off on me for embarrassing her. What 4yo cuts themselves with razors on purpose? The abuse was so bad and my grandma was thousands of miles away. I had nobody. I still have the scars 55 years later. I went through trauma therapy for 3 years from 2018 to 2021. I got so much better. But my therapist never acknowledged the gaslighting when i mentioned it. We didnt talk a whole lot about narcissism even when i brought it up. I'm learning a lot about my narcissistic parents by listening to these vids. TY
Yes, I'm 52 years old, and I wish wish wish I'd had this information so much earlier. Before my narcissistic parents hoovered me back into their lives because of their aging and illnesses. Aging narcissists are..... indescribably WORSE. I'd gone low-contact since I graduated from high school, but kept getting hoovered back because of financial issues -- both mine and theirs. Enmeshment. My narcissistic mother PLANNED it that way. It's insidious. If I'd only known.... if you even SUSPECT your parent has narcissistic personality disorder is manipulative in any way.... DIVORCE your finances from them, if you haven't already. It's crazy-making what they can do if you cause them narcissistic injury. No contact has been survival for me.
That's so horrifying. I've got two girls ,and I hope they never feel any of it or not even close 😢 when I was around 14 I've told my stepdad I'm going to jump out the window . He opened the window for me 🫣 my mom once after our argument took a razor and locked herself in the bathroom and said she will cut herself. I was probably just over 10 years old. It still haunts me. Some people should not be allowed to have kids . 35 now , and definitely damaged to no repair 😂
@@renataa5362 You are not damaged beyond repair. I was hospitalized at least 8 times in psych units, possibly more. I had ECT several times. (Grateful that I still have a working brain!) I attempted suicide and would have died, BUT... the Lord cleared my mind and spoke to me, clearly asking if I really wanted to die. I thought about and realized I wasn't ready to die. I stood up and fell to the floor. I crawled to the phone (no cell phones back then) and slurred words that I needed help. God spared me. Without Jesus and loving friends I'd have been dead long ago. Since COVID I've been apathetic, distant from the Lord, depressed, etc. I definitely believe that Jesus is in the process of restoring me to him, praise God!! Never ever give up!!!!
Yes! Good thing we now get to take care of ourselves. I wish there was not narcissism in families!! But we get to be loved (by us and other healthy people) and we are going to be ok.
My mother and sister completely manipulated me into staying close to them even though it put my life on hold...for no reason. I was just here to hold them up because they were too weak to get mentally well. Mom getting Alzheimers and sis discarding me for not attending a Christmas party has been the best thing in my life.
Get as far away as possible before they decide that you're their slave/caretaker for life, or at least give yourself some space in order to re-think what you're willing to do if you decide to help them anyway.
@@gotinogaden Thank you, I am. My husband, kids and I are moving 1000 miles away to another country next summer. I will not be pulled back in. Luckily my parents have money so I have no guilt about my mom's illness, she's got plenty of money to pay for good care.
My mom manipulated my brother and I to stay close to her. Mom and brother were totally codependent. I did NOT want that. I applied for college and almost didn't go because my mom threw away the letters of acceptance from the college, but they called and I answered the phone, thankfully. She wanted me to stay at home and work in the grocery store where she worked. I stayed away from her as much as I could, then cut her off.
I told my narc mom that I don’t like it when she asks where I’m going or where am I. I also told her it bothers me when she asks if I’ve eaten or tells me I need to eat…moving forward, she would mention these things even more because she knew I didn’t like them. When I reiterated my boundaries with her, she got really upset then played victim. What most surprises me about narcissistic parents, is that they will purposely do things to push their child’s buttons or upset their child. What kind of evil world do you live in that make you want to intentionally want to harm others, especially your own children. I don’t bother her at all, I only show love and kindness, but for some reason, she wants me to hurt or suffer. I just don’t understand how someone could be that evil
Dad expects me to put up and shut up about his abuse of me. I don't owe him anything! His attitude/behavior: his responsibility/blame, but he tried to blame me for abusing me(in many ways). He's so wrong!
My narc mother would go through my bedroom & steal, throw away and/or giveaway my things. it didn't matter if I bought it or it was given to me. My stuff was up for grabs. She even went through my purse & stole my credit card...then made me out to be the bad guy because I felt disrespected, hurt & mad. She always claimed she did nothing wrong! Edit: I was also made to feel responsible for my mother at the age of 9! Heavy sigh
OMG that refrain, "I didn't do ANYTHING wrong." It haunts my dreams still after nearly 17 years of being no contact. If I "proved" my case then I was still at fault because I wasn't perfect and I was a monster for expecting her to always be perfect.
@@airenmoonwolf2520 That's because you can't win with these people. If you stick up for yourself because of something they did...your wrong...if you do nothing then they just keep doing crap to you. If you do everything they want you to do your still wrong. They always change the rules...moving to goal post. If you're still having nightmares then try journally out your feelings & thoughts...get them out of you. And your right you did nothing wrong. These people live in a false reality. I'm sorry that your still feeling the sting of it after so many yrs. I hope you find healing & peace, but I think it never truly goes away...but we still can have peace.
I'm 62 and my 82 year old mother still breaks boundaries. What's important is how I respond. Detachment is hard but vital. Straying from my lane gets me run over
Yes indeedie doo. They break your boundaries whenever it suits them, and then if you speak up to object to it, then there is "something" wrong with you. Sickening and vile behavior. Lack of accountability means a healthy relationship is not possible.
my goodness you put the perfect words to explain what boggled my mind for so many years. I struggled to understand why my parents were so angry at me while I was growing up and finding my own voice. I became a lot harder to control and I saw them flail as they tried to regain control. Many times they did by breaking down my psyche and causing me to lose all trust and confidence in myself and my perception of reality. I didn't realize that what was being activated in them was SHAME. Every time I fought against the dysfunctional system they felt SHAME. Wow.
@@jamisonlamkin5576 Me too. They have to project that shame so that we carry it instead of them. They don't know how to regulate their feelings so they use us to do it for them.
My dad thinks I owe him to walk all over me. He doesn't knock, he barges in. He doesn't care; he shamed me for putting up barriers. He would "interrogate, attack(mostly verbally) and shame me. He's an asshole! He still acts entitled to waste my time, at his sole convenience, that I can't complain. I put up boundaries: he hates that, he shamed me, that I didn't "trust" him(I didn't and still don't!) He doesn't like not controlling me. Too bad for him. I don't owe him me!
As an adult who grew up with narcissistic parents I am still trying to unlearn certain beliefs, values , etc. My mom used to go through my phone and read my text messages if I withheld who I was talking to from her. I also realize that narcissis are a walking contradiction. They'll tell you, "grow up be an adult" But if you call they're bluff, they'll make excuses as to why you shouldn't really do it. They never mean what they say, or say what they mean.
spot on, “they never mean what they say or say what they mean”, I would observe it as my mum always has some hidden meaning or agenda to literally just anything she does or says
They never encourage or validate or show joy at your joys. All a ploy to keep you down and in the fold. The only time they smile at you is when you're doing what they want you to do
I FINALLY found my adult voice with my Mom - at 59 years old! Thanks Jerry for your assistance. Terri Cole has been a great teacher on this subject as well. 👍
Were you ever let back in. I stood up to my mum at 50. Two years later they are the injured party, saints for dealing with me, they just never speak to me now. It was a case of submit to our narrative or you are dead to us.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Same at 50 it was the first time I stood up and said "No!' Four years of complete silent treatment . The first year I tried writing her and I even took the blame for her abuse. After the first year of her cruel silent treatment I said to myself , I'm done. It's true if you don't do what they say you become an idiot in their eyes and then you are dead to them. She can't even face me and she knows my nature is gentle and forgiving. Even as adults they have to show who is large and in charge of your life. They are very sick selfish individuals.
@@SusanaXpeace2u She basically ostracized me and made sure everyone else did, too. I don't want "back in" now. Should have been out forty years ago. What a shit show! And, yes, it's poor Brenda - she's given her all to her screwed up daughter. (Which is entirely untrue. I paid her phone bill, took poor (even dangerous) treatment from her poor choices of men, took her on vacations, helped her get jobs (though she hated to work), etc...Father is the same, but he pilfered off my brother. Decades of verbal and emotional abuse and neglect behind the scenes.
@@SusanaXpeace2u But Susan you did take care of yourself!!!! Bummer they couldn't deal with the real you, but really it's their problem. I grieve that my dad will always be a narcissist.... I hate it. But because I differentiate, I am free.
“I don’t appreciate you offering me help without me asking for it, moving forward if I am interested in receiving help from you I will make sure to approach you. Thank you”. Keep up your healing❤️
Gosh, my mom too. And this "help" contributed to me returning to a narcissistic partner because she felt she could control him... And many other severely bad decisions that have affected my life. I still can't get over the opportunities I turned down because she guilt tripped me into working in the family business. It's so hard to forgive myself but I'm still working on it.
This explains my entire childhood and adulthood. Everything. Every point. The "lecturing"- it's ONLY how my parents talk to people- and then they wonder why their siblings don't talk to them or tell them things.
My narc dad, in front of my friend, told me that I had to give him the key to my place, that he could walk in at any time, but I couldn't have the key to his house and do the same. I had to clear it ahead of time with him, honor his boundaries. He would not have honored me. Neither he, nor I, have the key to each other's place He demands I respect him, but puts me down because I am female. That's wrong on all levels. He tries to shame me into letting him stomp all over me and thank him for it; that it shows I am humble, it's humilating, not a form of humbleness. Just control. I have nil to no contact with him, for my own protection. I am 60, I don't live with him, yet, he makes nitpicky comments(finding fault with me). He thinks he is Jesus, because he has a beard, and can judge me. He has a beard, but he acts the opposite way, totally controlling and men when I don't jump when he barks. His attitude problem/behavior, not mine. Only his way, no one else's opinions matter to him. He doesn't like to be stood up to/called out by. Too freaking bad for him. I don't kow-tow to him! He hates it. Good, I win!
My mother expected me to phone her fling to enquire from him about why he dumped her. At the time I was so manipulated into feeling sorry for her that I actually did it. I was in my 20's. I am horrified and mortified when I think about it now 😳.
'Break internal boundaries, saying your feelings are wrong or your identity is wrong'. Yes and yes. My mother told me I had my auntie's personality - a thief, a liar, secretive and like a man. I am none of those things. She said I was an actress and that I wasn't really crying or upset. I have spent my life not knowing who I am and disengaged from my own feelings. This has led me to terrible and frightening choices and has badly affected my own children.
One of my "nicknames" was "Sarah Bernhardt".....because I had real emotions and real outrage at her savage abuse....so I was making it up WAS her excuse.
Omg "narcissistic interrogation": I have ALWAYS wondered why it bothers me when my sister asks what I feel to be intrusive questions about my life. "What did your psychiatrist say?" Excuse me? I'm just drinking my coffee, why are you concerned about my mental health treatment? "Why did you buy bottled water?" I don't think that's any of your concern ma'am, I didn't spend it with your money. We both grew up with narcissistic parents and I do believe she picked up some of their traits.
YES!!! It used to be such a paralyzing fear… Sometimes it still is! I question all the time WHY I feel so fearful of living my life. I’m working through it and I’m getting better.
Great job, Sheryl!!!! That took some courage!!!! And silence (respect) was appropriate for the " I don't prefer to do that." I love it as we get healthier and share it!!!!!
It is a beautiful and very powerful sentence❤️ The best pause after saying it is the internal pause- saying it without becoming reactive to their possible response
Thank you for sharing this Jerry! Even though this is all in the past now it's still carrying over in my daily life when I ruminate on what happened. I feel so angry for not finding out about narcissism earlier in my life. I feel that I've been robbed of years where I was made to feel guilty because I wanted to be myself and not what they wanted me to be.
Thank you, Jerry. My mother has severe anxiety and a persistent lack of self worth but is not self aware of this. She would highly offended at the suggestion. She is a loving person but crosses boundaries often. I often feel confused in how to relate to her and now that she is in her late 70s I worry about how best to care for her.
Oh my gosh! I was blamed for EVERYTHING, and I still am! My mother was sick. She was a fragile diabetic and had EVERYTHING that went along with that. She lost her eyesight a few years before I was born. She had a quadruple bypass when I was 12. She went into renal failure when I was 18 and died from diabetes when I was 24… and I’m just hitting the high points. Add a borderline narcissist to the mix and it was great! My mother was amazing. Not perfect. But, AMAZING. She did everything in her power to ensure that I had as normal of a childhood as possible. She didn’t drive. That was it. But… My father… TOTALLY different story. I know that there has to be some enmeshment issues with my mom and I, but it wasn’t because of her illness. My father was so mentally abusive that we were just trying to survive him! I was definitely his scapegoat, my mother was sometimes. My mom wasn’t supposed to have kids, but she wanted them. My older sister died at 2 weeks old. They tried again and got me. I think that he blames me for her death at 55. Everything that went wrong with her… He told me it was my fault… Just for being a kid… I was always too emotional… I cried too much (usually because he was yelling)… I laughed too loud… You name it… And yes, I got in trouble for falling down… I’m no contact and it’s taken lots of therapy, but I am [mostly] healed!
I liked the concept of "knocking" in adult relationships, I'll have to think about that. I think I sometimes unknowingly overstep my boundaries with others. I also like the phrase that you proposed "I prefer not to". I have autistic traits and having mini-scripts like that for the "no" situations is super helpful. Thanks for your work!
That's exactly why I'm not longer speaking to my dad...among many many other reasons, but that's the one that broke the relationship up. His audacity was almost unbelievable..it felt like he was the villain of a bad B movie.
@@jerrywise Thank you very much. Your videos are really helping, I feel validated and they give tangible things to work on. The first step towards recovery is acknowledging there is a problem and naming it. Thank you for everything you do. 💕
Another remarkable video, Jerry. Thank you. My Dad passed in January. My enabled brother lives with my Mom. It's surprising he has taken care of my parents (now my Mom) this long. I am thankful for that. But the shaming by my brother and my Mom never ends. My Mom's has intensified. She sounds more and more like my brother- who believes and says outrageous things about me and my sister. My sister and I are not speaking. My Mom wonders why the family has fallen apart. Well, we had 3 narcissists in the family. My brother is the dominant one (an alcoholic who seems to have mental illness). Dad was self-absorbed. My Mom is the suffering, helpless narcissist. My parents main goal in life seems to have been to "take care" of my brother. My Dad said, "he's the least likely to be able to take care of himself." When I confronted my Mom about their enabling. She said, "we help those in need. That's what families do." I parented my Mom - who had chronic pain my whole life. I am so tired of my family of origin. I don't go to my Mom's house. Wow, the shaming they try to use to change that... The amount of effort I have had to put into getting well is significant... Thank goodness your videos were available. I am so thankful.
I’m 53, a former therapist and just now realized that I was a parentified child by my mom. She moved me into the role she needed at the time (Parent, rescuer, best friend and listener). As I am working through all of this, I keep asking the question “is she toxic or a covert narcissist “? She has and continues to try to impose herself in every aspect of my life and breaks every boundary mentioned in the video. How can I know if she is just codependent herself and immature and has developed toxic patterns, or if she is a covert narcissist. I feel like knowing the “why” behind her behavior would make it easier for me to establish and protect my boundaries, go no contact etc..
You are correct. As I say it, the FEEL-THINK is way too strong for many families to come out of denial, or be self-reflective and self-responsible. For them it is not about logic, it is all about feelings, fear, defensiveness, blaming, etc. Which they don't want to see, or resolve. Thank you for watching.
I've spent so many years in the limbo of "my mom (and stepdad) is not a narcissist, but..." cue the classic list of things that identify a narcissist. But she doesn't mean it! She's just very anxious (as she's telling to your face that anxiety isn't a real thing and she's just fine), that life has been hard. But it's things like 'no knocking' or having a grip on all my vacations as an adult, or internal boundaries, that fully helped me bring it all home.
Well said. Nothing was sacred. My mother searched my room, took things in it and gave them away, hit me when she was angry and denied doing it by accusing me of doing that to her! Financial control and carrot dangling ...ts just crazymak8ng. What 9year old is expected to make dinner and clean the house? Yet everything I did or said was wrong. As an adult, I was expected to dri e hours to help them manage household and yard chores once a month or more . They chose the place. How was that ever my responsibility? I don't live there any more! The arguments were insane. Voice-mail was the best buffer. No call back was even better!
@@jerrywise You do outstanding work. You are very helpful to those who have to struggle with these fragmented people. I want to thank you. You get specific and give real life help. You have helped me greatly. eileen
This is such a good one for me. Thank you. It reminds me how much of these boundary breaks narcs use in conversation, even when you first meet them, just see how I will or will not respond I think. I mean as far as I can tell both my parents are narcs on two different spectrums and I’m pretty sure my whole family system runs on these dynamics. But when I separated from my whole family, 20 something years ago, the boundary breaks ramped up to new psychotic levels. I have a theory that they were going for a whole new trauma bond, but all I saw was that I made the right choice.
I really enjoyed making this video. knowing how narcissistic parents engage in breaking our boundaries, can allow us to put a stop that boundary breaking as well as help us learn what is not normal to do our children. Thank you Martha for being part of the community and for your support!
My mom asked for a key to my home, came unannounced when she pleased and would stay for hours sometimes up to 9 hours. 10am to 7pm. I was at a breaking point with all the boundary breaking. When I asked for space she came to my home and told me face to face that she would come to my home when she pleased and for as long as she pleased. I set boundaries and she victimized to my aunts (her side of the family). Now her side of the family views me as an ungrateful selfish daughter.
Oh my gosh! Epiphany! Not my job to take care of golden child… and by living my life filling the role of tending to their needs… STILL ISN’T my job… especially since it means being put down and made fun of the whole time… F&*( that noise.
I can relate. My Narc mom got upset when I did not invite her to a mini high school reunion with an old classmate of mine 🤦🏾♀️ she was adamant that I should have invited her. But I stood my ground.
Ooh 😢 my mum wouldn't knock even the bathroom door. I had to tell her that me being in my 30' and she been in her 60' and of course she took it as the worst thing in the world, "r u saying I can't go to the bathroom in MY OWN HOUSE". Of course I said "do what u do when there are visits, because when that happens you do knock.
I am glad I found you. I have been through so much. From jobs, to abort my child to my second child being put up for adoption without my consent. Therapists left and right. Got no where.
They'll also go into your bedroom and paw through your drawers, they're so nosy. Even if you're not doing drugs or anything at all. They'll read your diary too. Then they assault you vehemently (if only verbally, at length and viciously, at length) for your private thoughts and feelings which they had no right to invade in the first place. Very sick.
Thank You Jerry! I wish I had had your lesson before my marc mother killed my soul. My life could have gone differently. But do your job for those who are still on the battlefield. Because this is it.
My father passed recently and this estate issue is getting worse. The circumstances surrounding this is what broke the camel’s back. Now I’m looking through my life and can see how some of the toxic behaviour is mirrored in others and in me. May God bless you and the people you help heal. Take care, Jerry. Thanks for my new lease on life.
Thank you once again Jerry. Brian and I have both dealt with these issues and the guilt, shame and anger were often overwhelming and all we were doing was becoming functioning adults. Thanks to your work, we’re free from all of that nasty business. Muchas Gracias!!! ❤
Excellent video! I can relate to this from having a dad with narcissistic tendencies as wel as a codependent mother - I became the parent for my mother. I had to take care of my younger siblings while growing up. Both parents violated my boundaries. My dad has died. My Mom now expects me to spend holidays with her & I don't really want to. I stayed with her for 4-months last year during COVID-19 fixing up her home, cleaning her home, taking her to doctors, eye surgery, setting up in-home care, etc. Putting things in place my dad should have done over the years. Even visited her this year for a weekend. It's a 3-hour flight plus 1 and 1/2 hour drive to see her. I'm so tired! Booked my flight & reserved the rental car to see her for this Thanksgiving - think I may cancel to stay home & relax. Feeling kinda guilty if I don't go see her because children are suppose to give their widowed parent what they need.
Oh my goodness this is such a good video! I knew my mother was breaking my boundaries but this video has actually outlined so many more boundaries than I had realised. My late father in law said to me a month after my husband and I were married, why I wasn't pregnant yet! We have WAY too many narcissistic people in our family.
My narcissistic father died 2 months ago, age 95 and I'm surprised how I am grieving him ... grieving what never was as much as anything. I'm almost 65 now
I set a boundary with my parents almost 2 years ago: do not bring up work/finances/FT jobs/insurance, etc. This was after my father gave us a speech and lecture over the phone because he thought (?) we were going to ask to borrow money. My mother set that one up. We weren't. He insulted me on this call. My mom said NOTHING. Old news with that. when I sent this email to my father, setting the boundary, he emailed me back an article on the differences between FT jobs and FT jobs _with benefits._ 🤦🏻♀️ I went no contact for a few months with my dad, which ended after a 3 hour call where I shared a ton. They validated and apologized. Ok, cool. This last August they came for my surprise Birthday party. I was so glad they came. Was, being the key word! The next morning my father used God as an excuse to blow past my boundary *again* and treated me and my husband like children. (I'm 41 & he's 53!!!) I was on cloud 9 from my birthday and my dad came into my house and treated me like a child, guilting and shaming me and hubby about our jobs! THEN they questioned our church attendance! THEN my mom calls me a few days later and said she sees red flags in my marriage. 🤦🏻♀️ So I was with a horrific abuser for 14 years and they didn't say crap....now I'm with the love of my life who is so wonderful and healthy and my mom says she "is worried he's taking advantage of me." 😳🤯🤯🤯😂😂😂😂 Oh, boy. If she wants to talk about red flags, I'd love to share with her allllllll the red flags I see in their marriage.
My narcissistic mother would visit us and steal things from my house. In addition to my things, she took my children’s birthday invitations from friends and notes my kids wrote to each other. She kept these things for years and then wrapped them up as a gift to them. Just sick.
When my husband asked to marry me, my parents wrote on a post note several suggested demands..including: We cannot move away My son has to attend catholic school when older My husband can not exceed a certain speed limit with my son in the car on the interstate. They had him sign it
Excellent video Jerry 🫶 This video really highlights the importance of removing the toxicity from the home as soon as possible to give our kids the best chance of success in leading a healthier life. Teaching our children how to set boundaries, grey rock, find their voice and say no with the narc parent are all crucial tools needed for them to be able to take their power back and stay safe. The healing path is so humbling. We all want the best for our kids and we all make mistakes. The difference though is that as recovering co-dependents we make a conscious effort everyday to learn, grow and heal; whereas the narc thinks they never do anything wrong. I'm proud of my progress Jerry and your videos really help me to recognize the areas where I have really grown and the ones where I still need to keep working. 💛
When they ask me certain questions, I just say that I am not at liberty to say. I feel as though the Holy Spirit has been advising me to move in silence in this season and I'm doing just that. No matter what. I don't care how upset they get or whatever the case maybe. Smh.
Physical boundaries: going through my trash and room my whole life, coming over now and going through my trash. Furthermore didn’t allow me to have a lock on my door my entire life and after living w my grandmas who I was caretaking for while she was dying of dementia for years, after she passed away, my mom evicted me because she found out I put a lock on my room door (I was 28). Then lied to everyone saying I locked her out of my grandmas HOUSE, not just my personal room. Mental boundaries: buying my sisters cosmetic surgeries worth thousands of dollars on my birthday and telling me “she changed her mind” on helping me with my tires that I humbly asked for a loan for that were a serious danger for me to drive on so I spent my birthday crying alone but telling me that she’s not going to listen to comparisons to my sisters because I’m not my sisters. Financial boundaries: stealing my inheritance from both my grandparents and still feeling “I don’t need it yet” (I’m 30). Furthermore, hiding my grandmas will so that I won’t get anything. Emotional boundaries: a 15 year smear campaign discrediting me in every way with anyone who has interacted with her. Relationship boundaries: telling me my boyfriend hasn’t been grateful enough for her meanwhile she’s supporting my sisters boyfriend. Legal boundaries: started donating to all the police and law enforcement foundations after I called the cops on her, ensuring their favor every time she breaks the law. I could go on and on…and that’s just my mom. No less awful in a completely different way than my dad.
This is amazing support. I currently do gray rock, low contact, becoming unhelpful, withholding feelings towards my narc father. It has helped. These are very good tips.
Great topic Jerry! And those are horrific! 😱 Also reminds me that others may suffer Different horrors from my own. Not all home invasions are the same.☺️
When I was gone on a business trip my mom took my door off the hinges so that she could have her helper paint. Neither of them saw anything wrong with that. Both 12 steppers. My step-father would also do similar things. There is so much I can say about this video but I will just say that they did something really bad to me at the end of September 2011 and it is just a little piece of how bad they have always treated me. I don't ever want to minimize it or justify it or even have those bad feelings go away. That was finally the time where I did something different. Where I changed. To me boundaries is about protecting myself. I can give them to their Higher Powers but I truly believe it is my choice whether or not I put myself into abusive situations or not. I wasn't even really calling those situations abusive. I wasn't even honest with myself. And it is so easy for me to slip back into denial. Good Stuff Jerry..
I just realised something today, that this whole issue the issue of why? Why would they do that?the answer is, at least my answer is it's about realisation, who gets to realise himself.
I am looking after my 89 year old narcistic mother. She fooled all of us for decades. Why do I feel guilty considering putting her in a Frail care home?
My mom has broken into my room on numerous occasions. Even with a lock, she made it a point to let me know that she could access my private space. I am a grown adult. I escaped her rage and abuse 5 weeks ago and today I see video evidence of her yet again accessing a room that she has no business in and removing my camera so that she can rummage through my things. For 4 years she lived with me and watched me work my life away while she sat around causing division, and drama, and refused to contribute to the household. I have never felt like I had a parent. I have always been the parent. Been the therapist. Been the sound of reason. I need therapy but I don't even know how to unpack the years of hell.
Thank you for your contents! They encouraged me to set myself free from my narcissistic family 🍀🌱😃 Being fully aware of my inexistant freedom as a child deepens my relief.
Jerry, you are truly a blessing. I have found such comfort and understanding for myself from your videos. This year I learned the word 'enmeshment' and since then it has been a roller-coaster of emotions, connections, and realizations. The true meaning and reasons behind different events have been coming to light daily. I am still trying to process and understand everything. My biggest struggle is with the self-gaslighting about accepting the fact that my mother is a narcissist. (Even typing it out like that is difficult for me). I just wanted to share that I learn something new every time I watch your videos. This video really opened my eyes to how much I needed to release these 'system emotions' and heal my inner child by being the understanding parent I never had. Thank you 🖤
Very helpful video...for years I couldn't figure things out. But with a strong desire to get healthy myself, I found help in understanding my FOO dynamics. Jerry you do a excellent job in breaking down the process of what children endure at the hands of Narcissiatic parents. Thank you.
I've been watching your videos for about 5 years, Jerry. You saved my life. :) This one in particular is very good and simply packed with all the right info. Thank you for your work!
I started to want to grow up and away from my controlling parents when they said to me that my husband and I were not allowed to "take their girls away". My initial reaction was, "These are MY daughters and MY responsibility...if moving away is better for us, and for them, then this is what we MUST do." Then I was horrified by the hypocrisy of a couple who put military service in foreign countries before their own parents having a relationship with my sister and I. I was always proud of them for this sacrifice until they decided that it was ok for my grandparents to do without their "girls" but my husband and I owed my parents some fealty that, for whatever reason, my parents didn't have to give. This realization was like an avalance went off in my soul. It started the process of pulling away and finally going no contact. The secrets I learned afterwards has made me grateful for that moment of clarity even though it felt like I was being ripped apart. I don't regret my decisions but damn if only there was some way...some language...something that could lead to the words and actions I need to hear and see. I have accepted that there isn't but my inner child still needs frequent hugs and reassurances from me that the fault isn't in me. These things were done TO me and did not happen BECAUSE of me.
I did not know what to do with my guilt. I thought it was coming from me. Best friend recovered in 12 step program and thought so. She just tells me to screw guilt. Both parent are narcissistic and rejected me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was coming from my parents and trying to people please their wishes and desires and not my own self or lack of identity. Yes getting both of my narcissistic parents out of me, my mind, body, and spirit would help. Yes never trying to get my parents to change ever worked. They don't care. They think I am the problem. They never Love, Care, and are Supportive. My alcoholic father just judges, criticizes, self will run riot, gaslights, and deflects any blame away from himself. He is the alcoholic, adulterer (he remarried to a step mother and I have a 25 year old sister I am age 51), and workaholic. My dad blames me for treating my mom badly. I am supposed to protect my moms health. I do not consider my moms health problems. My mom blames me for the family problems. I am never good enough, I waste her time, I share feelings, I ask questions and question the family system, and I try to solve family problems. She ignores me, never wants to talk to me, and does not want to discuss any of the families decisions to me. They never want to tell me anything because I will question in it. When I had to move from my mom's parents family farm, my mom lied to me and said I could stay as long as I want. The new owners would give me option to rent. This was not true.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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Thanks for the info.
Oftentimes, the self-loathing narcissistic mother doesn’t want anyone to know there are abusers and criminals in her family so she’ll go to great lengths to discredit police reports made by anyone brave enough to escape the dysfunctional “cult”
When you're a child they expect you behave like an adult and when you're an adult they treat you as a child. It's infuriating!
Very sad. But we can break the cycle
Wow! Soooooo True…CRAZY TRUE..
THIS. Literally let toddlers almost die left and right and then try to infantalize teens and adults. Because they don't actually CARE if you live or die. They care about two things: power and image. That's all.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101 Also about control and sometimes just plain entertainment.
Well said!
Both parents were abuser narcissists. I purposely cut myself with razor blades (old fashioned kind) when I was four years old. Mom called a friend who bandaged me up. Mom was so nice. As soon as the friend left mom went off on me for embarrassing her. What 4yo cuts themselves with razors on purpose? The abuse was so bad and my grandma was thousands of miles away. I had nobody. I still have the scars 55 years later. I went through trauma therapy for 3 years from 2018 to 2021. I got so much better. But my therapist never acknowledged the gaslighting when i mentioned it. We didnt talk a whole lot about narcissism even when i brought it up. I'm learning a lot about my narcissistic parents by listening to these vids. TY
Yes, I'm 52 years old, and I wish wish wish I'd had this information so much earlier. Before my narcissistic parents hoovered me back into their lives because of their aging and illnesses. Aging narcissists are..... indescribably WORSE. I'd gone low-contact since I graduated from high school, but kept getting hoovered back because of financial issues -- both mine and theirs. Enmeshment. My narcissistic mother PLANNED it that way. It's insidious. If I'd only known.... if you even SUSPECT your parent has narcissistic personality disorder is manipulative in any way.... DIVORCE your finances from them, if you haven't already. It's crazy-making what they can do if you cause them narcissistic injury. No contact has been survival for me.
That's so horrifying. I've got two girls ,and I hope they never feel any of it or not even close 😢 when I was around 14 I've told my stepdad I'm going to jump out the window . He opened the window for me 🫣 my mom once after our argument took a razor and locked herself in the bathroom and said she will cut herself. I was probably just over 10 years old. It still haunts me. Some people should not be allowed to have kids . 35 now , and definitely damaged to no repair 😂
@@renataa5362 You are not damaged beyond repair. I was hospitalized at least 8 times in psych units, possibly more. I had ECT several times. (Grateful that I still have a working brain!) I attempted suicide and would have died, BUT... the Lord cleared my mind and spoke to me, clearly asking if I really wanted to die. I thought about and realized I wasn't ready to die. I stood up and fell to the floor. I crawled to the phone (no cell phones back then) and slurred words that I needed help. God spared me. Without Jesus and loving friends I'd have been dead long ago. Since COVID I've been apathetic, distant from the Lord, depressed, etc. I definitely believe that Jesus is in the process of restoring me to him, praise God!! Never ever give up!!!!
It's SO weird and downright backwards 🤷♀️ They will gossip, blame, defame your character, insult, belittle, shame and give the silent treatment. 🚫
Yes! Good thing we now get to take care of ourselves. I wish there was not narcissism in families!! But we get to be loved (by us and other healthy people) and we are going to be ok.
@@ar7tis5227 Amen 🙏✝️❤️
Was done by my mom
I have a ( not fun) joke; there is just one thing WORSE then mom doesn't talk to me.. THAT IS When she Does Talk to me.
@@kimberlymccracken747almost like a weird ass ex-girlfriend, they are so emotionally incestual
My mother and sister completely manipulated me into staying close to them even though it put my life on hold...for no reason. I was just here to hold them up because they were too weak to get mentally well.
Mom getting Alzheimers and sis discarding me for not attending a Christmas party has been the best thing in my life.
Get as far away as possible before they decide that you're their slave/caretaker for life, or at least give yourself some space in order to re-think what you're willing to do if you decide to help them anyway.
@@gotinogaden Thank you, I am. My husband, kids and I are moving 1000 miles away to another country next summer. I will not be pulled back in. Luckily my parents have money so I have no guilt about my mom's illness, she's got plenty of money to pay for good care.
My mom manipulated my brother and I to stay close to her. Mom and brother were totally codependent. I did NOT want that. I applied for college and almost didn't go because my mom threw away the letters of acceptance from the college, but they called and I answered the phone, thankfully. She wanted me to stay at home and work in the grocery store where she worked. I stayed away from her as much as I could, then cut her off.
WOW! Our mother & Dad scored 100% on Narcisism PLUS their resourceful Cruelty; they earned EXTRA CREDIT.
Enjoy your life and being yourself.. seriously… I get what you’re saying… You are worthy.. and you have a right to be - YOU!
I told my narc mom that I don’t like it when she asks where I’m going or where am I. I also told her it bothers me when she asks if I’ve eaten or tells me I need to eat…moving forward, she would mention these things even more because she knew I didn’t like them. When I reiterated my boundaries with her, she got really upset then played victim. What most surprises me about narcissistic parents, is that they will purposely do things to push their child’s buttons or upset their child. What kind of evil world do you live in that make you want to intentionally want to harm others, especially your own children. I don’t bother her at all, I only show love and kindness, but for some reason, she wants me to hurt or suffer. I just don’t understand how someone could be that evil
It is funny how your feelings can be wrong, but their feelings and opinions are always right. No matter what.
Or they can say whatever the hell they like but if we said the same things they'd go crazy!
Dad expects me to put up and shut up about his abuse of me. I don't owe him anything! His attitude/behavior: his responsibility/blame, but he tried to blame me for abusing me(in many ways). He's so wrong!
My narc mother would go through my bedroom & steal, throw away and/or giveaway my things. it didn't matter if I bought it or it was given to me. My stuff was up for grabs. She even went through my purse & stole my credit card...then made me out to be the bad guy because I felt disrespected, hurt & mad. She always claimed she did nothing wrong!
Edit: I was also made to feel responsible for my mother at the age of 9! Heavy sigh
And that's why I'm no contact with my toxic mom. Easier to learn how to declutter n organize my stuff without her in my life.
OMG that refrain, "I didn't do ANYTHING wrong." It haunts my dreams still after nearly 17 years of being no contact. If I "proved" my case then I was still at fault because I wasn't perfect and I was a monster for expecting her to always be perfect.
@@airenmoonwolf2520 That's because you can't win with these people. If you stick up for yourself because of something they did...your wrong...if you do nothing then they just keep doing crap to you. If you do everything they want you to do your still wrong. They always change the rules...moving to goal post. If you're still having nightmares then try journally out your feelings & thoughts...get them out of you. And your right you did nothing wrong. These people live in a false reality. I'm sorry that your still feeling the sting of it after so many yrs. I hope you find healing & peace, but I think it never truly goes away...but we still can have peace.
Wow, so helpful for me. Thank you. The recommendations for healing resources are invaluable.
I was responsible for my mom, dad and older brother. I became a mother to my brother and a wife to my dad when I was 10yo.
I'm 62 and my 82 year old mother still breaks boundaries. What's important is how I respond. Detachment is hard but vital. Straying from my lane gets me run over
I regret sharing something today with my mom, and she reminded me why I rarely share with her.
Yes, I have learned to withhold info from my narc father. Good or bad, I withhold.
@@rachc5496 It's sad that we have to be this way, but we kind have to for our survival and peace of mind.
Yes indeedie doo. They break your boundaries whenever it suits them, and then if you speak up to object to it, then there is "something" wrong with you. Sickening and vile behavior. Lack of accountability means a healthy relationship is not possible.
My narc father...exactly!
So true
my goodness you put the perfect words to explain what boggled my mind for so many years. I struggled to understand why my parents were so angry at me while I was growing up and finding my own voice. I became a lot harder to control and I saw them flail as they tried to regain control. Many times they did by breaking down my psyche and causing me to lose all trust and confidence in myself and my perception of reality. I didn't realize that what was being activated in them was SHAME. Every time I fought against the dysfunctional system they felt SHAME. Wow.
I feel all of this and I so internalized that shame.
@@jamisonlamkin5576 Me too. They have to project that shame so that we carry it instead of them. They don't know how to regulate their feelings so they use us to do it for them.
@@serenaatallah641 Ugh, hit the nail on the head!
My dad thinks I owe him to walk all over me. He doesn't knock, he barges in. He doesn't care; he shamed me for putting up barriers. He would "interrogate, attack(mostly verbally) and shame me. He's an asshole! He still acts entitled to waste my time, at his sole convenience, that I can't complain. I put up boundaries: he hates that, he shamed me, that I didn't "trust" him(I didn't and still don't!) He doesn't like not controlling me. Too bad for him. I don't owe him me!
As an adult who grew up with narcissistic parents I am still trying to unlearn certain beliefs, values , etc.
My mom used to go through my phone and read my text messages if I withheld who I was talking to from her. I also realize that narcissis are a walking contradiction. They'll tell you, "grow up be an adult"
But if you call they're bluff, they'll make excuses as to why you shouldn't really do it.
They never mean what they say, or say what they mean.
spot on, “they never mean what they say or say what they mean”, I would observe it as my mum always has some hidden meaning or agenda to literally just anything she does or says
These types of parents despise individuation with their kids and much better prefer merging into them when it meets their needs.
At their sole convenience!
Only their needs and conveniece!
They never encourage or validate or show joy at your joys. All a ploy to keep you down and in the fold. The only time they smile at you is when you're doing what they want you to do
I FINALLY found my adult voice with my Mom - at 59 years old! Thanks Jerry for your assistance. Terri Cole has been a great teacher on this subject as well. 👍
You are so welcome, keep up the good work❤️
Were you ever let back in. I stood up to my mum at 50. Two years later they are the injured party, saints for dealing with me, they just never speak to me now. It was a case of submit to our narrative or you are dead to us.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Same at 50 it was the first time I stood up and said "No!' Four years of complete silent treatment . The first year I tried writing her and I even took the blame for her abuse. After the first year of her cruel silent treatment I said to myself , I'm done. It's true if you don't do what they say you become an idiot in their eyes and then you are dead to them. She can't even face me and she knows my nature is gentle and forgiving. Even as adults they have to show who is large and in charge of your life. They are very sick selfish individuals.
@@SusanaXpeace2u She basically ostracized me and made sure everyone else did, too. I don't want "back in" now. Should have been out forty years ago. What a shit show! And, yes, it's poor Brenda - she's given her all to her screwed up daughter. (Which is entirely untrue. I paid her phone bill, took poor (even dangerous) treatment from her poor choices of men, took her on vacations, helped her get jobs (though she hated to work), etc...Father is the same, but he pilfered off my brother. Decades of verbal and emotional abuse and neglect behind the scenes.
@@SusanaXpeace2u But Susan you did take care of yourself!!!! Bummer they couldn't deal with the real you, but really it's their problem. I grieve that my dad will always be a narcissist.... I hate it. But because I differentiate, I am free.
"I'm just trying to help you" is the excuse my mother uses. I'm so glad to not be living in her rent house anymore.
“I don’t appreciate you offering me help without me asking for it, moving forward if I am interested in receiving help from you I will make sure to approach you. Thank you”.
Keep up your healing❤️
Gosh, my mom too. And this "help" contributed to me returning to a narcissistic partner because she felt she could control him... And many other severely bad decisions that have affected my life.
I still can't get over the opportunities I turned down because she guilt tripped me into working in the family business. It's so hard to forgive myself but I'm still working on it.
This explains my entire childhood and adulthood. Everything. Every point. The "lecturing"- it's ONLY how my parents talk to people- and then they wonder why their siblings don't talk to them or tell them things.
"And don't ever question me"...this video is SO spot on. Sadly, I didn't awake to this in my crazy family and how wrong it was until around 30.
I'm sorry you went through this, and I'm glad my videos will be helpful to your healing journey.
Boundary-breaking is not “loving” but very “DISRESPECTFUL”.
My narc dad, in front of my friend, told me that I had to give him the key to my place, that he could walk in at any time, but I couldn't have the key to his house and do the same. I had to clear it ahead of time with him, honor his boundaries. He would not have honored me. Neither he, nor I, have the key to each other's place He demands I respect him, but puts me down because I am female. That's wrong on all levels. He tries to shame me into letting him stomp all over me and thank him for it; that it shows I am humble, it's humilating, not a form of humbleness. Just control. I have nil to no contact with him, for my own protection. I am 60, I don't live with him, yet, he makes nitpicky comments(finding fault with me). He thinks he is Jesus, because he has a beard, and can judge me. He has a beard, but he acts the opposite way, totally controlling and men when I don't jump when he barks. His attitude problem/behavior, not mine. Only his way, no one else's opinions matter to him. He doesn't like to be stood up to/called out by. Too freaking bad for him. I don't kow-tow to him! He hates it. Good, I win!
Thank you. Realising my mother was probably reading my diary for years was a horrible realisation.
Oh God...ALL the lies I used to believe because I loved a bunch of CRAZIES I got dealt....
My mother expected me to phone her fling to enquire from him about why he dumped her. At the time I was so manipulated into feeling sorry for her that I actually did it. I was in my 20's. I am horrified and mortified when I think about it now 😳.
'Break internal boundaries, saying your feelings are wrong or your identity is wrong'. Yes and yes. My mother told me I had my auntie's personality - a thief, a liar, secretive and like a man. I am none of those things. She said I was an actress and that I wasn't really crying or upset. I have spent my life not knowing who I am and disengaged from my own feelings. This has led me to terrible and frightening choices and has badly affected my own children.
One of my "nicknames" was "Sarah Bernhardt".....because I had real emotions and real outrage at her savage abuse....so I was making it up WAS her excuse.
Everything here is what I've been going through my whole life
Sending love and healing your way❤️
"No knocking, just barging right in." Damn I feel that, sigh.
Omg "narcissistic interrogation": I have ALWAYS wondered why it bothers me when my sister asks what I feel to be intrusive questions about my life. "What did your psychiatrist say?" Excuse me? I'm just drinking my coffee, why are you concerned about my mental health treatment? "Why did you buy bottled water?" I don't think that's any of your concern ma'am, I didn't spend it with your money. We both grew up with narcissistic parents and I do believe she picked up some of their traits.
People with NPD are very invasive.
YES!!! It used to be such a paralyzing fear… Sometimes it still is! I question all the time WHY I feel so fearful of living my life. I’m working through it and I’m getting better.
“I don’t prefer to do that”. SILENCE. Wow. THIS is why I get so very much out of your talks Jerry. Thank you so much!🙏🏼👏🏻💕
Great job, Sheryl!!!! That took some courage!!!! And silence (respect) was appropriate for the " I don't prefer to do that." I love it as we get healthier and share it!!!!!
It is a beautiful and very powerful sentence❤️
The best pause after saying it is the internal pause- saying it without becoming reactive to their possible response
No knocking, just walking right on in!!💯 it’s not funny but the way Mr. Wise describes it makes me laugh. 😃😃 It is good to smile🙏🏾💯💕
Thank you for sharing this Jerry! Even though this is all in the past now it's still carrying over in my daily life when I ruminate on what happened. I feel so angry for not finding out about narcissism earlier in my life. I feel that I've been robbed of years where I was made to feel guilty because I wanted to be myself and not what they wanted me to be.
Thank you, Jerry. My mother has severe anxiety and a persistent lack of self worth but is not self aware of this. She would highly offended at the suggestion. She is a loving person but crosses boundaries often. I often feel confused in how to relate to her and now that she is in her late 70s I worry about how best to care for her.
True. I am not the part my parents wrote for me, so I have been written out of the play directed by my mother
Healing is about being the part you are writing for yourself❤️
I wrote myself out. I’m tired of playing a role that is constantly changing.
I wrote myself out. I got tired of playing a role that they were constantly changing.
Oh my gosh! I was blamed for EVERYTHING, and I still am!
My mother was sick. She was a fragile diabetic and had EVERYTHING that went along with that. She lost her eyesight a few years before I was born. She had a quadruple bypass when I was 12. She went into renal failure when I was 18 and died from diabetes when I was 24… and I’m just hitting the high points.
Add a borderline narcissist to the mix and it was great!
My mother was amazing. Not perfect. But, AMAZING. She did everything in her power to ensure that I had as normal of a childhood as possible. She didn’t drive. That was it. But… My father… TOTALLY different story.
I know that there has to be some enmeshment issues with my mom and I, but it wasn’t because of her illness. My father was so mentally abusive that we were just trying to survive him! I was definitely his scapegoat, my mother was sometimes.
My mom wasn’t supposed to have kids, but she wanted them. My older sister died at 2 weeks old. They tried again and got me. I think that he blames me for her death at 55. Everything that went wrong with her… He told me it was my fault… Just for being a kid… I was always too emotional… I cried too much (usually because he was yelling)… I laughed too loud… You name it… And yes, I got in trouble for falling down…
I’m no contact and it’s taken lots of therapy, but I am [mostly] healed!
At age 50, I’m finally finding out who I am and what I want to do…grew up with a boundary buster
SO SAD what we went through....and THEN TOLD WE WERE NOT ACTING RIGHT...
I liked the concept of "knocking" in adult relationships, I'll have to think about that. I think I sometimes unknowingly overstep my boundaries with others. I also like the phrase that you proposed "I prefer not to". I have autistic traits and having mini-scripts like that for the "no" situations is super helpful. Thanks for your work!
That's exactly why I'm not longer speaking to my dad...among many many other reasons, but that's the one that broke the relationship up. His audacity was almost unbelievable..it felt like he was the villain of a bad B movie.
I’m sorry this is your story Audree, I wish you healing and the ability to move past this❤️
@@jerrywise Thank you very much. Your videos are really helping, I feel validated and they give tangible things to work on. The first step towards recovery is acknowledging there is a problem and naming it. Thank you for everything you do. 💕
@@dree8300 you are so welcome
Another remarkable video, Jerry. Thank you.
My Dad passed in January. My enabled brother lives with my Mom. It's surprising he has taken care of my parents (now my Mom) this long. I am thankful for that. But the shaming by my brother and my Mom never ends. My Mom's has intensified. She sounds more and more like my brother- who believes and says outrageous things about me and my sister. My sister and I are not speaking. My Mom wonders why the family has fallen apart.
Well, we had 3 narcissists in the family. My brother is the dominant one (an alcoholic who seems to have mental illness). Dad was self-absorbed. My Mom is the suffering, helpless narcissist. My parents main goal in life seems to have been to "take care" of my brother. My Dad said, "he's the least likely to be able to take care of himself." When I confronted my Mom about their enabling. She said, "we help those in need. That's what families do."
I parented my Mom - who had chronic pain my whole life. I am so tired of my family of origin. I don't go to my Mom's house. Wow, the shaming they try to use to change that... The amount of effort I have had to put into getting well is significant...
Thank goodness your videos were available. I am so thankful.
It seems that our oldest child suffers from thinking/feeling she needed to parent. "You know that Aunt Agnes thinks you are wrong."
Aunt Agnes has no say in the situation.
Thank you!!! I just had a ridiculous conversation about why I’m not watching tv & how tragic that is, lol
I’m 53, a former therapist and just now realized that I was a parentified child by my mom. She moved me into the role she needed at the time (Parent, rescuer, best friend and listener). As I am working through all of this, I keep asking the question “is she toxic or a covert narcissist “? She has and continues to try to impose herself in every aspect of my life and breaks every boundary mentioned in the video. How can I know if she is just codependent herself and immature and has developed toxic patterns, or if she is a covert narcissist. I feel like knowing the “why” behind her behavior would make it easier for me to establish and protect my boundaries, go no contact etc..
Man is on point on everything he says.
I’m glad it resonated John. Welcome to the family? I hope you find my other videos helpful as well
They will never admit it!
You are correct. As I say it, the FEEL-THINK is way too strong for many families to come out of denial, or be self-reflective and self-responsible. For them it is not about logic, it is all about feelings, fear, defensiveness, blaming, etc. Which they don't want to see, or resolve. Thank you for watching.
I've spent so many years in the limbo of "my mom (and stepdad) is not a narcissist, but..." cue the classic list of things that identify a narcissist. But she doesn't mean it! She's just very anxious (as she's telling to your face that anxiety isn't a real thing and she's just fine), that life has been hard.
But it's things like 'no knocking' or having a grip on all my vacations as an adult, or internal boundaries, that fully helped me bring it all home.
Well said. Nothing was sacred. My mother searched my room, took things in it and gave them away, hit me when she was angry and denied doing it by accusing me of doing that to her!
Financial control and carrot dangling ...ts just crazymak8ng. What 9year old is expected to make dinner and clean the house? Yet everything I did or said was wrong.
As an adult, I was expected to dri e hours to help them manage household and yard chores once a month or more . They chose the place. How was that ever my responsibility? I don't live there any more! The arguments were insane. Voice-mail was the best buffer. No call back was even better!
hello jerry, this was outstanding! You hit a home run out of the park. Everyone in the world should hear this. God Bless. Eileen
Thank you Eilieen, I’m glad my work is helping you and others
@@jerrywise You do outstanding work. You are very helpful to those who have to struggle with these fragmented people. I want to thank you. You get specific and give real life help. You have helped me greatly. eileen
@@jerrywise ❤ One can tell how hard you have worked at this. I appreciate you! eileen
This is such a good one for me. Thank you. It reminds me how much of these boundary breaks narcs use in conversation, even when you first meet them, just see how I will or will not respond I think. I mean as far as I can tell both my parents are narcs on two different spectrums and I’m pretty sure my whole family system runs on these dynamics. But when I separated from my whole family, 20 something years ago, the boundary breaks ramped up to new psychotic levels. I have a theory that they were going for a whole new trauma bond, but all I saw was that I made the right choice.
I love this title so much and can’t wait for your talk Jerry👍🔥
I really enjoyed making this video. knowing how narcissistic parents engage in breaking our boundaries, can allow us to put a stop that boundary breaking as well as help us learn what is not normal to do our children.
Thank you Martha for being part of the community and for your support!
And it was great as usual!🔥💛
words can’t express how your videos reveal the unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships that began in childhood into today for me.
9:25 “ perpetual state of childhood”, for their inability to entertain themselves. Holiday requirements too! 12:45 was important also.
My mom asked for a key to my home, came unannounced when she pleased and would stay for hours sometimes up to 9 hours. 10am to 7pm. I was at a breaking point with all the boundary breaking. When I asked for space she came to my home and told me face to face that she would come to my home when she pleased and for as long as she pleased. I set boundaries and she victimized to my aunts (her side of the family). Now her side of the family views me as an ungrateful selfish daughter.
Oh my gosh! Epiphany! Not my job to take care of golden child… and by living my life filling the role of tending to their needs… STILL ISN’T my job… especially since it means being put down and made fun of the whole time… F&*( that noise.
Truth is weightless
I can relate. My Narc mom got upset when I did not invite her to a mini high school reunion with an old classmate of mine 🤦🏾♀️ she was adamant that I should have invited her. But I stood my ground.
Oh my word! :(
@@blessed4149 yes she’s ridiculous
Ooh 😢 my mum wouldn't knock even the bathroom door. I had to tell her that me being in my 30' and she been in her 60' and of course she took it as the worst thing in the world, "r u saying I can't go to the bathroom in MY OWN HOUSE". Of course I said "do what u do when there are visits, because when that happens you do knock.
I am glad I found you. I have been through so much. From jobs, to abort my child to my second child being put up for adoption without my consent. Therapists left and right. Got no where.
My dad actually entered my house without asking! Needless to say he no longer has a key!
They'll also go into your bedroom and paw through your drawers, they're so nosy. Even if you're not doing drugs or anything at all. They'll read your diary too. Then they assault you vehemently (if only verbally, at length and viciously, at length) for your private thoughts and feelings which they had no right to invade in the first place. Very sick.
Thank You Jerry! I wish I had had your lesson before my marc mother killed my soul. My life could have gone differently. But do your job for those who are still on the battlefield. Because this is it.
My father passed recently and this estate issue is getting worse. The circumstances surrounding this is what broke the camel’s back. Now I’m looking through my life and can see how some of the toxic behaviour is mirrored in others and in me. May God bless you and the people you help heal. Take care, Jerry. Thanks for my new lease on life.
Im sorry for your lost, and thank you for your support, I'm glad that my videos was helpful to you. Take care.
Thank you once again Jerry. Brian and I have both dealt with these issues and the guilt, shame and anger were often overwhelming and all we were doing was becoming functioning adults. Thanks to your work, we’re free from all of that nasty business. Muchas Gracias!!! ❤
Excellent video! I can relate to this from having a dad with narcissistic tendencies as wel as a codependent mother - I became the parent for my mother. I had to take care of my younger siblings while growing up. Both parents violated my boundaries. My dad has died. My Mom now expects me to spend holidays with her & I don't really want to. I stayed with her for 4-months last year during COVID-19 fixing up her home, cleaning her home, taking her to doctors, eye surgery, setting up in-home care, etc. Putting things in place my dad should have done over the years. Even visited her this year for a weekend. It's a 3-hour flight plus 1 and 1/2 hour drive to see her. I'm so tired! Booked my flight & reserved the rental car to see her for this Thanksgiving - think I may cancel to stay home & relax. Feeling kinda guilty if I don't go see her because children are suppose to give their widowed parent what they need.
Have you decided yet? 😊
Maybe if you go for Thanksgiving you can spend Christmas at home xx
Oh my goodness this is such a good video! I knew my mother was breaking my boundaries but this video has actually outlined so many more boundaries than I had realised. My late father in law said to me a month after my husband and I were married, why I wasn't pregnant yet! We have WAY too many narcissistic people in our family.
I'm sorry you have to deal with lots of narcissistic in your family, and I’m glad the video was helpful to you, thank you for your support!
What you said is so true about boundaries, freedom to fall down, try and fail and make mistakes. I didn't have that
Thank you for giving me words to describe what I've been feeling
You are welcome, thanks for watching the video
Excellent session! Absolutely nailed how insidious and treacherous boundary breaking can be (and is!). Thanks so much!
You're so welcome Malik. I am glad that you enjoyed the video
Whoa- a majority of these boundary breakers. Love your channel Jerry!
My narcissistic father died 2 months ago, age 95 and I'm surprised how I am grieving him ... grieving what never was as much as anything. I'm almost 65 now
I set a boundary with my parents almost 2 years ago: do not bring up work/finances/FT jobs/insurance, etc. This was after my father gave us a speech and lecture over the phone because he thought (?) we were going to ask to borrow money. My mother set that one up. We weren't. He insulted me on this call. My mom said NOTHING. Old news with that.
when I sent this email to my father, setting the boundary, he emailed me back an article on the differences between FT jobs and FT jobs _with benefits._ 🤦🏻♀️ I went no contact for a few months with my dad, which ended after a 3 hour call where I shared a ton. They validated and apologized. Ok, cool.
This last August they came for my surprise Birthday party. I was so glad they came. Was, being the key word!
The next morning my father used God as an excuse to blow past my boundary *again* and treated me and my husband like children. (I'm 41 & he's 53!!!) I was on cloud 9 from my birthday and my dad came into my house and treated me like a child, guilting and shaming me and hubby about our jobs! THEN they questioned our church attendance! THEN my mom calls me a few days later and said she sees red flags in my marriage. 🤦🏻♀️
So I was with a horrific abuser for 14 years and they didn't say crap....now I'm with the love of my life who is so wonderful and healthy and my mom says she "is worried he's taking advantage of me." 😳🤯🤯🤯😂😂😂😂
Oh, boy. If she wants to talk about red flags, I'd love to share with her allllllll the red flags I see in their marriage.
My narcissistic mother would visit us and steal things from my house. In addition to my things, she took my children’s birthday invitations from friends and notes my kids wrote to each other. She kept these things for years and then wrapped them up as a gift to them. Just sick.
EXCELLENT!!! I am sending this to my whole family!!! Nail on the head!
I’m glad it was helpful, thanks for watching!
Same!!
I'd like to give everyone their "World's Best Parentified Child" trophy 🏆! 😂😂
🤣 THat is such a great one!!!!!! Yes we were good parents...... way to early.....very sick...... Thanks for the humor!!!!!
Humor in healing is important😊❤️
When my husband asked to marry me, my parents wrote on a post note several suggested demands..including:
We cannot move away
My son has to attend catholic school when older
My husband can not exceed a certain speed limit with my son in the car on the interstate.
They had him sign it
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮Too controlling and sick!
Really validating video, thank you. I'm still learning about boundaries 3 years into my healing so this has been very educational.
I’m glad the video was validating.
You might find my other videos on boundaries helpful
th-cam.com/play/PLoYQTW09i3W2hJBDh27eYY7e0xiFnDbtQ.html
Thank you ! So clear…. I have to learn all about boundaries… as a scapegoat who was parentified …
You are so welcome
Excellent video Jerry 🫶 This video really highlights the importance of removing the toxicity from the home as soon as possible to give our kids the best chance of success in leading a healthier life. Teaching our children how to set boundaries, grey rock, find their voice and say no with the narc parent are all crucial tools needed for them to be able to take their power back and stay safe. The healing path is so humbling. We all want the best for our kids and we all make mistakes. The difference though is that as recovering co-dependents we make a conscious effort everyday to learn, grow and heal; whereas the narc thinks they never do anything wrong. I'm proud of my progress Jerry and your videos really help me to recognize the areas where I have really grown and the ones where I still need to keep working. 💛
Right! And, definitely not physical boundaries!! 🙏💐🙏💐🙏
As a survivor of a narcissistic father you are always DEAD ON. Keep up the good fight. God bless you Jerry Wise. 💙🤗
When they ask me certain questions, I just say that I am not at liberty to say. I feel as though the Holy Spirit has been advising me to move in silence in this season and I'm doing just that. No matter what. I don't care how upset they get or whatever the case maybe. Smh.
Physical boundaries: going through my trash and room my whole life, coming over now and going through my trash. Furthermore didn’t allow me to have a lock on my door my entire life and after living w my grandmas who I was caretaking for while she was dying of dementia for years, after she passed away, my mom evicted me because she found out I put a lock on my room door (I was 28). Then lied to everyone saying I locked her out of my grandmas HOUSE, not just my personal room.
Mental boundaries: buying my sisters cosmetic surgeries worth thousands of dollars on my birthday and telling me “she changed her mind” on helping me with my tires that I humbly asked for a loan for that were a serious danger for me to drive on so I spent my birthday crying alone but telling me that she’s not going to listen to comparisons to my sisters because I’m not my sisters.
Financial boundaries: stealing my inheritance from both my grandparents and still feeling “I don’t need it yet” (I’m 30).
Furthermore, hiding my grandmas will so that I won’t get anything.
Emotional boundaries: a 15 year smear campaign discrediting me in every way with anyone who has interacted with her.
Relationship boundaries: telling me my boyfriend hasn’t been grateful enough for her meanwhile she’s supporting my sisters boyfriend.
Legal boundaries: started donating to all the police and law enforcement foundations after I called the cops on her, ensuring their favor every time she breaks the law.
I could go on and on…and that’s just my mom. No less awful in a completely different way than my dad.
This is amazing support. I currently do gray rock, low contact, becoming unhelpful, withholding feelings towards my narc father. It has helped. These are very good tips.
I’m glad you enjoyed the video!
I feel seen for the first time; watching this.Thank you for the tools.
Jerry! Your strong, clear voice is such a comfort!
Thank you sage, it’s great to see you here
Great topic Jerry! And those are horrific! 😱 Also reminds me that others may suffer Different horrors from my own. Not all home invasions are the same.☺️
the spiritual boundary Ive gone through it with my mother
When I was gone on a business trip my mom took my door off the hinges so that she could have her helper paint. Neither of them saw anything wrong with that. Both 12 steppers. My step-father would also do similar things. There is so much I can say about this video but I will just say that they did something really bad to me at the end of September 2011 and it is just a little piece of how bad they have always treated me. I don't ever want to minimize it or justify it or even have those bad feelings go away. That was finally the time where I did something different. Where I changed. To me boundaries is about protecting myself. I can give them to their Higher Powers but I truly believe it is my choice whether or not I put myself into abusive situations or not. I wasn't even really calling those situations abusive. I wasn't even honest with myself. And it is so easy for me to slip back into denial. Good Stuff Jerry..
Thanks. I'm older and need help with this.
I just realised something today, that this whole issue the issue of why? Why would they do that?the answer is, at least my answer is it's about realisation, who gets to realise himself.
I am looking after my 89 year old narcistic mother. She fooled all of us for decades.
Why do I feel guilty considering putting her in a Frail care home?
My mom has broken into my room on numerous occasions. Even with a lock, she made it a point to let me know that she could access my private space. I am a grown adult. I escaped her rage and abuse 5 weeks ago and today I see video evidence of her yet again accessing a room that she has no business in and removing my camera so that she can rummage through my things. For 4 years she lived with me and watched me work my life away while she sat around causing division, and drama, and refused to contribute to the household.
I have never felt like I had a parent. I have always been the parent. Been the therapist. Been the sound of reason. I need therapy but I don't even know how to unpack the years of hell.
Thank you for your contents! They encouraged me to set myself free from my narcissistic family 🍀🌱😃
Being fully aware of my inexistant freedom as a child deepens my relief.
You are very welcome, I’m glad the video was helpful!
Jerry, you are truly a blessing. I have found such comfort and understanding for myself from your videos.
This year I learned the word 'enmeshment' and since then it has been a roller-coaster of emotions, connections, and realizations. The true meaning and reasons behind different events have been coming to light daily.
I am still trying to process and understand everything. My biggest struggle is with the self-gaslighting about accepting the fact that my mother is a narcissist. (Even typing it out like that is difficult for me).
I just wanted to share that I learn something new every time I watch your videos. This video really opened my eyes to how much I needed to release these 'system emotions' and heal my inner child by being the understanding parent I never had. Thank you 🖤
Very helpful video...for years I couldn't figure things out. But with a strong desire to get healthy myself, I found help in understanding my FOO dynamics. Jerry you do a excellent job in breaking down the process of what children endure at the hands of Narcissiatic parents. Thank you.
You are very welcome Janet, I'm glad you found my video helpful
Will I ever stop second guessing myself that "they aren't so bad" and "I'm overreacting"?
I've been watching your videos for about 5 years, Jerry. You saved my life. :) This one in particular is very good and simply packed with all the right info. Thank you for your work!
You are very welcome, I’m glad this video was helpful to you. Thank you for you supporting me for the past 5 years, I really appreciate it!
So very true!!! Very clear analysis. Thank you, very much!!!
You are so welcome Adriana, thank you for watching!
I started to want to grow up and away from my controlling parents when they said to me that my husband and I were not allowed to "take their girls away". My initial reaction was, "These are MY daughters and MY responsibility...if moving away is better for us, and for them, then this is what we MUST do."
Then I was horrified by the hypocrisy of a couple who put military service in foreign countries before their own parents having a relationship with my sister and I. I was always proud of them for this sacrifice until they decided that it was ok for my grandparents to do without their "girls" but my husband and I owed my parents some fealty that, for whatever reason, my parents didn't have to give.
This realization was like an avalance went off in my soul. It started the process of pulling away and finally going no contact. The secrets I learned afterwards has made me grateful for that moment of clarity even though it felt like I was being ripped apart.
I don't regret my decisions but damn if only there was some way...some language...something that could lead to the words and actions I need to hear and see. I have accepted that there isn't but my inner child still needs frequent hugs and reassurances from me that the fault isn't in me. These things were done TO me and did not happen BECAUSE of me.
I did not know what to do with my guilt. I thought it was coming from me. Best friend recovered in 12 step program and thought so. She just tells me to screw guilt. Both parent are narcissistic and rejected me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It was coming from my parents and trying to people please their wishes and desires and not my own self or lack of identity. Yes getting both of my narcissistic parents out of me, my mind, body, and spirit would help. Yes never trying to get my parents to change ever worked. They don't care. They think I am the problem. They never Love, Care, and are Supportive.
My alcoholic father just judges, criticizes, self will run riot, gaslights, and deflects any blame away from himself. He is the alcoholic, adulterer (he remarried to a step mother and I have a 25 year old sister I am age 51), and workaholic. My dad blames me for treating my mom badly. I am supposed to protect my moms health. I do not consider my moms health problems.
My mom blames me for the family problems. I am never good enough, I waste her time, I share feelings, I ask questions and question the family system, and I try to solve family problems. She ignores me, never wants to talk to me, and does not want to discuss any of the families decisions to me. They never want to tell me anything because I will question in it. When I had to move from my mom's parents family farm, my mom lied to me and said I could stay as long as I want. The new owners would give me option to rent. This was not true.
Great examples, Jerry. Very relevant.
Thanks for all of your wisdom! You have helped me to navigate challenging family dynamics over the last couple of years. 💙
You are very welcome ❤️
Good morning Jerry 🌞
Good morning Kimberly!