5 Strategies to Deal With a Narcissistic Child
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 พ.ค. 2024
- In today's video I share 5 strategies to deal with a narcissistic child.
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I think I may have created my son's narcissism by giving him too much love and attention, the total opposite of what I received as a child. I over-compensated!
Wow! I can relate to what you just said!.
I believe you are wrong. You cannot love a child too much. He is what he is because he was born that way.
@@sierra-nanaYes, u can never give to much love to a child. Some confuse love and think they are not allowed to correct their child when they do something wrong. Defends the children no matter what they do. It is not loving. It is abuse not to teach children to distinguish between right and wrong ways to treat others.
Same here. And they hate us for that. Yet if we stop giving they'll get angry about that too.
@@erikakarlsson5703 I mostly agree with what you said. I do not believe that you can love a child too much. Loving your child does not mean that you vacate your responsibilities as a parent. I am 67 and my sons are in their 40's and even way back then when I was raising them I saw (mostly moms) unwilling to discipline their children because they didn't want to hurt the child's feelings or have the child angry at them. Being a parent is tough. You have to teach them right from wrong, how to treat others and that there are consequences for their actions. I do agree it's abuse if you don't teach your children how to function as responsible adults.
My child is now 45 years old and i have cut him out of my life like a cancer. I will never have contact with him again, i wish him the best, far away from me.
I just want this monster out of my home so I can go complete no contact and have peace instead of chaos and abuse...I'm done with helping someone who just wants to use me and couldn't care less about how it affects my personal life...
I thought I was the only one who felt like this. 😌
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.
This is how I feel too! My husband I believe is a covert NC, he never stands in my defense even when he see the truth. But I believe he is the real reason why my son ran away by lying to my son and saying things I never mention to my own son.
You can't help those who don't want help. Help yourself and move one. Blessings to you.
Oh my gosh! Are you secretly me?😂
Wife and I are living this, we're at edge of no contact. Breaking off contact is the only peace we will ever get. We lose a child and grandchild but gain some peace and happiness.
It is only peace. Just had do this it’s a roller coaster ride. You hold on hoping it does not jump the track. You can not get off. I feel for you. I alway want us to be able cook do thing together it’s not going happen snd it hurts I feel your pain
Well done. Sadly a lot of time this is the only way to stay sane and achieve peace.
It is truly horrible.❤
Same. situation..
@@sinceresong9907 Praying for you as well as all in this difficult situation.
Thank you for covering this topic. It's so hard to find. People are out there talking about all the narcissists, but denying that there are suffering parents to these grown narcissists. When they do acknowledge the parents, it's to blame them, and they're already suffering tremendous heartache. Chances are, the narcissist was spoiled, and nothing you do is ever enough.
I couldn't agree with you more. My son was definitely spoiled & now acts like he is entitled to do, say, take, etc all he wants. It's like I'm living a nightmare of a 3rd paternal generation of narcissism & pathological lying. His Dad passed 2 mos before he graduated high school & now I feel like my hands are tied "trying" to help him heal from his father the king passing so young. But I'm about to throw my hands up since he doesn't do a darn thing, messy as heck, college drop out, thunks I'm supposed to continue providing him financial assistance, verbally/emotionally/physically abusive, alcoholic & into drugs. I had no idea a child could be so disrespectful, horrid & such to his only surviving parent. Even his younger brother has had enough of his stupid addictions & toxic behavior. Oh what to do??!!😢😢
My husband is currently practicing this “asking questions” technique, now she, our daughter hadn’t yet answered, but it’s stopped her from continuing on with her smear campaign of me, her mother.
Amen no one there to help us again parents and particularly when they use the grandkids as transactional tools for money.
not all narcissists were spoiled...some were neglected and abused and had a narcissistic parent for a role model
@@jusjeany not ALL….YET A large majority possibly! Just sayn.
Narcissists see boundaries. Boundaries anger them
It has to be absolutely awful to go "no contact" with one's beloved child. It's done because having contact is much worse.
Lol, "beloved". Why do people think they love someone that they won't really know 16-18 years in the future? Your "beloved child" is not an infant forever, and you should know that. The feeling of "love" you get is similar to a romantic relationship that goes sour later down the line. Its all chemical influence from the brain that happens during pregnancy and after childbirth, but like all chemical responses, they cease to exist once they stopped being produced in the brain. So the love you think you feel is more like infatuation. Once the kid ends up gay or non conforming to your ideas of who they should be, you couldnt care less about them at all. The parent child relationship is completely conditional.
My heart is broken. I'm stunned by my son's behavior.
You know I’m 63 years old and yesterday I had to help my 22-year-old narcissist son move out of University room. He got kicked out because he can’t get along with anybody. And now he’s back here. He has no friends to help him move just a 63 year old woman. I literally was left crippled. And he starts on me today to get up and help him unpack and I’m crippled. He keeps coming at me
HELP
Isn’t it just stunning? It is almost indescribable pain
So sorry, I am going through the same thing with my adult son. It is heartbreaking and for my grandchildren. My faith and support from good family members and friends have been my only comfort. I don’t think this kind of heart break ever goes away. 😢🙏
Me two my son turned 24 yesterday this is the first time I didn't see him for his birthday or get him a gift 😢
@cynthiakotyluk9957 Girl, get him out of your house. You are 63 years old and it is no longer your responsibility to take care of him. He is an adult and not a 3 year old tottler who is screaming and demanding for his pacifier. He is in a place where you nor anybody else will be able to reach him. He manner of managing life is set and you can not physically and mentally afford to take care of him and if you attempt to do so your life will be an absolute mess. No joy nor happiness and you will be robbed of life. Stop the coddling and enabling him and allow him to stand on his own two feet and be a man. He is making his own choices and allow him to do so as again he is a grown man. Coddling, enabling, and rescuing will give him no opportunity to grow up and he will remain as a 3 year old, and you taking care of him. Please love you for you and you in mo way shape or form deserve his drama and chaos. It is his and not yours and allow him to carry his baggage and emotional mess like the rest of us. It is because of the way we were raised and took on responsibility is how we managed life in our youth as well as today. We learned and grew and felt that our children deserved better, but they were not provided the opportunities and growing and maturing experiences as we were. We had to survive and make it on our own and now it is their time to do the same. They want to escape the dynamic of failure from situations such as job, school, relationships and minor inconveniences, but that is not "real" and it is setting them up for failure in all aspects of life. No maturity and learning experiences to be an independent and self sufficient adult. As a mother give him the opportunity to experience life and take it on as we did. Yes, we have experienced trauma and hardships, but they are no difference than us. They are supposed to carry their own baggage and trauma and learn from it and grow. We can not allow their baggage to become our baggage. We can dearly love and support and encouage them to move through life, but we can not pick up their life and carry it for them. The dilemma is we have pick up their life and carried it as it was our life and now because of situations and minor inconveniences they want us to continue to do so and this is where all of the toxic, oppositional, demands, arguments, abuse, and expectations arise from. If he feels you are abandoning him than so be it. It is your life and it awaits you. You are 63 years old and deserve to be happy and to enjoy your remaining years. I apologize about my rant and wish you all the best in the years to come. God Blessings 🙏❤️.
Don't ask them any questions about why they act as they do. You are just opening yourself up to attack. Any time they start acting aggressive, just remove yourself from the situation- say "I have to go." and physically leave or hang up the phone or stop reading texts. Go do something for yourself. This is how you enforce boundaries. You do it by showing, not telling.
I tried to remove myself from the situation that started at my son’s home. I was barricaded in the hallway and was told I was going to stay and listen. I tried to leave but was pushed back into hallway. I just want him to come home and visit more often , since we always have to go there.
@marystorer "I tried to leave and was "pushed" back into the hallway." Girl, that is physical assault. Since he is capable of this is he is capable of anything. Pushing you in back into the hall and you can't get out and being forced to listen to him going on and on giving you a hard time and projecting upon you to force you to listen to his grievances. You can not force anyone to love you nor can you force anyone to respect you. What is he telling you by his actions??? Violence is greatly putting your physical safety and mental health at risk. Stop being codependent as it is a health risk. Violence....is he a "Malignant Narcissist?"
Agree 100%
O@@marystorer
My narc 30yo daughter "went no contact" on me 6 months ago. While Im sad for her and the emotional pain she struggles with daily, gee its been peaceful and financially a lot less precarious.
Yes. Same exact thing. No more drama. I had to cut the emotional AND financial cord.
My daughter won't go to therapy, I. Tired at this point
Same here, after using me for her winter electronic bill and my car for an entire month FOR FREE though she has a good job and her boyfriend do,and now I am done.
So, it's not just me.
I know one thing I'm tired of these people, I'm surrounded by them 😡
Me too.
I was too until I cut ties with my immediate family for this very reason. The benefit was immediate and I have never regretted it. They cost me enough. Sometimes the solution to addition is subtraction. By subtracting abuse, conflict, stress, manipulation, chaos, hysterics, lies, poor health, anger, depression, etc I ADDED peace, better sleep, greatly improved health, joy, more money in my pocket, greatly improved marriage, time, and incredible freedom. Life is too short to deal with people who derive pleasure from hurting others. I just refuse to do it :)
Melee tooooo. Seems like almost everyone post covid.
@@amiblack8294thank you, I had to remove myself from my family and believe I just saw the last family Narc walk out of my life - my adult daughter, one of the hardest things I've done is tell her she's no longer welcomed. At 14 she told me I didn't deserve to be happy and almost 10 years later she's proven she meant those words. The devil is a lie! My peace AND HAPPINESS is paramount, she's grown I've done all I could I pray God continues to bless her but I have another child I'm still raising and don't want her continuously affected by an unhinged sister 💔
It's sick and sad to have narcissistic children , really it's the most heart breaking disappointment in life....imagine just for a sec going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor...18 long years of raising your complete enemy...they don't love you and seek to destroy you , so enemy seems fitting to me...having hopes and dreams for your new baby only to have them be the worst decision you ever made....its how I feel now, I know it's harsh . My children have treated me worse than any other relationship ever had....repayment for loving them and protecting them....I regret having them..
Me too😢
Me too. My 12 years old (adopted at 2) daughter’s a living nightmare! She’s abusive, entitled, arrogant, a bully, she’s no compassion whatsoever (if I tell you what she does you wouldn’t believe it), she won’t engage with me in anything at all, she’s demanding and alway always ALWAYS complaining about everything/anything, she won’t do her homework and when it’s extremely important to do a home work due to grades she takes 01 hour for something that would take 20 min. She absolutely drives me mad as she won’t do it, she’ll complain, brake the pencil lead then has to sharpen it, drop the erasure to the point I can find it, then she’s hungry then thirsty then she needs to pee… an absolute nightmare. She’s nice to everyone except to me. She says she’s to tolerate me because she doesn’t have a place to run away as her stepmother would divorce her father if she tries to live with them. She’s such a nightmare. 01 month ago she didn’t get up to go to school which I was very angry and the abuse towards me was unbelievingly malignant to the point I told her I DETEST her. That she hurt me etc etc and she compassionlessly said that I’m an unbearable drama queen!
She went back to bed and I cried for 01 hour and for the first time in my life I REGRETED the adoption!
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
After 15 years of my daughters vile narc behaviour, coupled with the fact that she married a narc thing as well...I have finally said ENOUGH! NO MORE! I want nothing more to do with them! I feel so much relief after all the heartbreaking pain anxiety and self blame.... I am now working on my own self healing and so glad I finally found tge strength to cut her off!
Smart. It’s the only way to live a peaceful life.
I’m focused on me…creating a brand new life. ⭐️💜⭐️ I have all this love to give so I give it to me now ;) 💜⭐️😉
It’s just an experience. It’s just life. Pain sorrow grief…..overcoming Letting go is the most satisfying feeling.
Modern science. Makes me laugh. .. it’s not about blame….when we know better we do better.
What a bunch of bs. It’s not about taking responsibility…. I’m not recognizing that responsibility is the correct word.
Of course grow do better reflect… I don’t believe it’s a matter of taking responsibility.
A grown 40 yr old adult child should not be blaming their parents.
Oh boy ! Everything is the parent’s responsibility forever.
I’m pretty sure this adult child has done enough payback suffering more that sufficient.
None of us are perfect…we forgive ourselves pull up our socks be happy.
⭐️💜⭐️
You are awesome!❤
I’m in the exact place. Cheers 🥂 to you sister.
better to choose peace in your personal life than be treated with abuse as a response to love...I'm trapped in my own studio apartment with a 42 year old "victim" of everyone in life...there are no homeless shelters here and he spent several winters in the woods until the police gave him a warning that he'd be arrested if he set up a tent again... No, he wasn't spoiled as a child...he was beaten by his abusive father throughout his childhood...
I’d be rid of my vial daughter if not for my worrying about my precious grandchildren.
Never waste time explaining yourself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding you. Every narcissist in my life had an agenda and was therefore committed to misunderstanding me because it served them, which meant no amount of explaining accomplished anything....They ALREADY KNOW what you're trying so hard to explain to them. Get your head around this: They KNOW and they DON'T CARE because all they care about is getting what they want regardless of who it hurts, inconveniences, offends, etc. and if it means that pretending to not understand who you are/your perspective gets them what they want then they will do it. The semantics games are a waste of time.
Truth! Well said!
Don't waste your time trying to make them understand! They know exactly what they are doing and how hurtful they are! Their power games! Stop explaining anything to them. And believe me, they are laughing at you behind your back! What makes this so heartbreakingly cruel is the fact, that they know exactly, that they are hurting you with their utter rudeness and cruelty! I only speak to my son now only if I have to and even then it is just a yes or no option. No nice conversations anymore, as they turn it always against me! I am a cold fish now, that does not shower them with niceties,such as cooking dinner, washing their clothes, etc now I will have a snooze or a long bath AT DINNER TIME. Haha MAKE YOUR OWN, buddy. My revenge! Put your foot down, say enough is enough! Maybe TY hey will leave. Ah, one other thing, do not go grocery shopping, don't buy anything, let them do ìt. Same with the dishes don't do them, let them do them.
I need help with my narcissistic adult son. This is breaking my heart and robbing me of all peace and happiness..
Listen to Dr C and Dr Ramnie
My narcissistic child won't even speak to me. If they do its just a long attack, then I get hung up on or blocked.
You are right, its all a big game to them. The only objective is to create pain.
Same with me, blocked, hang up the call. After 15 years, I m done.
You are not alone in this.
🎉 no contact for 20 years with my youngest child. Breaks my heart I’ve learned to let go and put them in gods hands. I have a lonely, but peaceful life. It was a good trade-off. Thank you so much for your channel.
I wonder how often it is the youngest child. Having been babied and treated like they are the last child that the parents are having.
I feel broken and don’t know where to begin, but thank you for telling me these hard truths.
I hear you
It’s very heartbreaking 😢
Hope you have found some peace?
I’m sorry. I understand. You’re not alone.
Great video.. I have to say, I do not even want to ask questions.. I just don't want her around me anymore.. I am sooooo done.. 54 years and she hasn't changed.. Now I understand why she can be kind or generous.. She gets something out of it... I do not even want to be in a conversation anymore.. I think it has finally taken it's toll on me...I don't even feel guilty for feeling this way.
I so apricate this. 67 years old. My only Son is such all this, and I have just in the last month have had my eyes open to his abuse. It hurt. it painful but I am beginning to understand how my over mothering contributed to his behavior towards me. I have been drained of my soul, spiritual center and my saving. Its been a bottomless pit. I am ready now to move on and enjoy what time I have left.
I am there too at 61. Only last year did I start learning about narcissism. Instead of trying to help him, now I'm helping myself.
Me too. 69 & just can't anymore
@@usedscarbravo!!
72 here and I can't live like this anymore! He needs to go! Hardest thing to do to your son! But I have to! It is a nightmare!
A psychologist told me that my ex husband has Narcissistic Personality disorder. Myself and my three children lived with his pathological lying and abusive behaviour for years. He stole property from me and almost wiped me out financially. My oldest daughter, who has four children, has used and abused me to the point where I am unwell. I am unable to see my grandchildren, which is heartbreaking but your comments really helped me tonight.
You just about told my story. I have 2 narc kids. 1 just reappeared after an 8 yr absence (he was out on the street strung out on heroin and fentanyl). He put himself into rehab a couple of times and is coming up on a year clean. I helped him buy a car just before Christmas. The other narc I saw at Christmas, she has my firstborn grandson. I spent a week with him and his baby sister playing, doing projects, going to a couple of museums, a light show and telling lots of jokes. Just before leaving for the airport my daughter informs I spent too much of my time there on my phone. I took 1, 7 min phone call in a week. I texted a few short holiday messages, I used my phone to pull up jokes for kids under 6. I told my daughter I found her claim to be pretty off base considering she was so busy with projects away from the kids and I that I essentially babysat the entire week and that my phone was really none of her business (This is the second visit she has made an issue out of my phone when both she and her husband are on theirs constantly). She then contacted her siblings and started her campaign. No one has contacted me. 30 days went by and she sent pics of the grandkids (that was my timeout). There will be no discussion. She’ll want to go on like nothing happened. But I can’t. This time she got my 5 yr old grandson involved. He started saying, “ Yeah Grammie you hardly spent any time with me.” It’s just not true. But I know she plays with his head too. She has emotionally manipulated him to choose her over his dad. It’s sick. But my ex was sick and abducted my daughters before our divorce got started then filed for divorce. This daughter is always talking about inheritance and what she’s going to get. I’ve got news for her. These kids of mine haven’t been around while I’ve been making it.
@@bizygirl1 Very scary that she is talking about the inheritance issue. I am serious. Please be cautious and on guard as this is her way to make demands and put you in a dangerous situation. She has given you a warning and if she is verbally abusive, threatens, and has the capability for physical assault be objective and on guard. She maybe a "Malignant Narcissist". Narcissists who make these type of remarks are dead serious and don't put yourself in a situation that is hazardous to your safety, physical and mental health. Life insurance policies, financial assets, your home, and so on please consider changing everything and setting up your estate or at least a will. An estate she will not be able to challenge anything if she chooses to take your estate to court and plead her case about she is deserving as she is your daughter. Leave only $1 in your estate for her and she can not appeal it. I have personally experienced this myself twice. Narcissists especially malignant ones are capeable of anything and everything. Also, please designate someone you trust who will be able to manage your daughter and other possible narcissists in your life to set clear limits and boundaries. I realize this is difficult and I don't mean to intrude. So many cases such as this as they want your money, estate, and to be designated as a life insurance beneficiary and executor of your estate.
I feel for you as i know exactly how it feels...we have very similar story.
Like yourself, i'm completely heart broken and miss my grandchildren so very much.
I've never divulged what their father had done during our time together and now they put their father so high up on a pedestal & somehow mum comes out smelling like shite...
Surprisingly, they've forgotten some of the not so nice standout treatments they got from him...and I'm mind blown by how short their memory is.
My children & grandchildren mean the absolute world to me which is what makes it so difficult to cope..
Same situation. He turned our marriage to an "open marriage" and didn't care if I knew and then when I decided to accept it and also see other people he played victim and now has everyone convinced he was betrayed.
Thank you. All you have said I have experienced over the years with my now 34 year old narcissist son who has also linked up with a narcissist. It all came to a head when we supported them and let them live with us during COVID isolation in our 2 bedroom apartment. I had no idea how bad it had been the years before since I was hoping and waiting for him to "grow up". Reality fell on me like a boulder.
My narc also gotcwith another narc. They are self supportung now but arrogant and full of blame. The Dad isnt around to take blame so I get it all. My narc parents were too cold to help but tgeir help was abuse anyway.
We are just vessels for their spirits to come through. We try our hardest to instill goodness in them, but they have free will and are also manipulated by unhealthy people/parent. We don’t own anyone - and we each have our journey. I believe these people are here to awaken you.
My ex is a narc and subsequently both of my daughters have become him. Iv e been alienated now 2 years. The last year around them was ptsd inducing - it’s like my ex was in my house when they were here. They would love bomb me and then shit on me.
I moved away after a year of them cutting contact. Move on- save your soul. Heal yourself. Spend a lot of time alone and heal your damn self. We are born alone and die alone- YOU matter YOUR life matters. They are here to mess up your light frequency - don’t give them the power
It sounds like there was a spiritual transmission of this evil spirit. How much time did your ex husband have with the children?
Its is genetic..no doubt..in a gene ..adhd..to depression to rebellion to abusive and entitlement. No gratitude ever..never will be.
Oh this sounds so much like my oldest son. His father passed away & I feel his undertaker treats me 5x as bad as his Dad did to me. I thought my life was hell before & now he's pretty much stampede down to sand dust. I keep saying to myself "I need a 6 mo break from this kid". Please. But neither side of our families were ever close to us, so I'm all alone & have no one to help care for my youngest child still in high-school. I feel like I can't live another day with all his verbal, emotional & physical abuse. But I do love him & always will. The guilt & shame of staying with his father who passed down his memtal issues on him which is probably the worst behavior to have a successful & happy life.
Unfortunately there is nothing we can do
My husband and I are planning a big move within 5 years due to retirement. We left the first hint recently. We don’t want to drop trauma bombs like our daughter does. Secretly dreaming of a house on water helps keep our minds off the misery of losing our only grandchild.
Sadly mine are grown adults in their 40’s and early 50’s. Their no contact with me their mom, around 6 years ago. No reasons given. I said I can’t fix what I don’t know what it is to fix! I finally stopped asking and wanting them to talk to me or a family therapist session. I still send birthday cards, no gifts, and Xmas cards. I’ve been cut off from my 3 grandchildren in another state. So I’ve just let that ball in their court. When they want to come to me, great. But I’m tired and done with begging. Once I did that, I feel free but sad the babies I raised and protected from their narcissist father don’t love me back. They all have much better lives than I ever could have dreamt of. That’s what I wanted for them, just not me treated this way.
Same here, I (72) do not undersrand! Why he (45) is so abusive to me.? How is that even possible? My own son being so abusive. Why, what have I done wrong, what have I done to deserve this treatment? I can't work it out! My heart is broken!
How can anybody go through life and be so ignorant as to the hurt he is causing me and his younger brother! And he does not care one little bit that he is destroying our relationship! It has only been a few years since my eyes are open. Meaning that motherly love is ending now. I am cutting him out of myj heart, like a cancer! And this is the worst thing a loving mother can do and feel for their own kid! I do not know what else I could do to stay sane!
The most difficult thing to accept as a parent that there is no cure..... Feel helpless. Two options you left with either take it be miserable rest of your life or exit when you can sad truth
I raised 3 children the youngest only girl got very spoiled. She was always difficult and as she got older kept making mistakes one after the other. We were always there for her trying to help. Well now at the age of 33 she is darn right abusive to us and her brothers. We just can’t take it anymore when she gets that way I don’t talk to her because you can never make her stop being abusive nor will she listen she’s always the victim. She has 4 children whom we adore and love but she is now withholding them from us. I am not wanting her in my life anymore it’s too painful being abused. She will never change nor will she ever see anything wrong with herself. It’s incredibly sad and crying everyday is not helping me. We are all done.
I totally feel same as you
My daughter too.
Although she's an only and had no reason to feel entitled, but tortures me by using the babies as leverage. I will be selling my house and moving to the other side of the country, putting my grands at risk. I seriously have no other option. I have to put them at risk to get them to safety.
Wow, I’m in the exact same situation. Her dad spoiled her so much growing up. I was the bad police because someone had to straighten her. She was so difficult in high school and would built her wall up. I thought maybe she’ll change in college:(
She’s about to graduate and is still the same. My husband only praises her every single turn and I couldn’t make him see that it is bad for all of us. It’s so painful but I’m admitting I need to learn to care for me because I’m giving up hope. I will never win as long as my husband is not with me in this!
You have literally written my story. My daughter is 21 thought. It's the hardest thing.
Thank you for this video. I was raised by a narcissist and I have done a lot of inner work. My adult grown son is a narcissist and he has lots of anger issues. I am a very emotional empathic person and when I try to talk to him I get very emotional which sets him off. Your steps on how to talk to one has given me hope that I can eventually speak to him without the emotions. With all the therapy and inner work that I have done, I have not received the advice on how to talk to one, so thanks again for your video and advice.
I love the “ if that’s how you see me why would u want someone like me in your life ?”
💗💗
Yes! I wrote that line down in my journal...very powerful.
I feel awful and heartbroken. I feel like my family is dysfunctional and I am suffering for this reason. I am applying your suggestions and I pray that my daughter will see what she is doing to herself. I am praying for our well-being and future. Thank you.
The best thing that ever happened to me as a parent is when my narcissistic daughter left She has 2 kids now, and I pray for them every day
This my favorite of your videos so far. I went no-contact with my son and his wife over a year ago. I could not accept their treatment of me anymore. I'm so burnt out and damaged by their treatment of me, Dr. Weiss, that I don't care any longer.
You just described me...I was raised by a psychopath and a bi-polar created narcissist. Childhood...it was rough. 13 schools in 12 years while being, what I've learned now is the scapegoat child. Don't even want to go there.
I tried to be a great mother by doing the exact opposite of what my parents had done. I accept that I made mistakes. Parenting 101 should be required in the last two years of high school!
Thank you for all of the work you put into these videos. You are helping people 💛💛🐇🐇💛💛
You sound like u were a GREAT MOM
Fumble bunny.
Lucky I never had kids.
But living with two ppl whom raised a narcissist unknowingly.
After being destroyed by a narcissist in long term relationship.
I’ve been homeless it’s awesome to find a home.
But discovering a narcissist ….
May ruin it for me :(
I'm. only 2min in and. HAVE TO COMMENT!!!FINALLY a video with the truth. Boundaries do not work and all the time and energy you put into setting/enforcing them as a beginning step will simply be time wasted. Heard of beating your head against a brick wall?? Feels similar to that l. ...honestly the time n energy needs to be spent one your own mental health. BC once you find your own self worth and gain the proper tools to protect your own energy and get to the root of your contribution to your child's behavior I promise, true healing is happening. I wasted a decade n half parenting out of guilt. Thinking i hadn't made up for my mistakes and if I continued showing him love n support remorse and patience somehow a magic balance would even the playing field.(and I'm guilty of human mistakes not violent unforgivable mistakes. I was young mom n wife with a daughter and irish twin boys all under 3 and only saw toxic family dynamics growing up. But that magic balance never happened. BC there's no such thing. Scales kept tipping and every night I seemed to be the ONLY one crying myself to sleep and his nasty insults list. Mixed w lack of sleep and stress began manipulating my memories and I was even questioning if I was even a good mom or if he was right. Took so much therapy to understand I was looking for his opinion of me to heal things I.didnt even know needed to be healed. . . But when ur unaware of childhood ptsd and abandonment trama due to being told this aren't real things u don't know any better. Knowledge is power ppl !! Educate yoursel, learn what n how your hidden ego can play a role in how u parent.BOTTOM LINE until u understand that you are only responsible for healing yourself and then start implementing new healthy behaviors..d expecting nothing in return ?(like apology, empathy etc). U will continue to be an active participant in that vicious cycle and also be contributing to toxic family dynamics until you make yourself your no1 priority. And u will feel a shift happen. I felt like I had reconciled an internal lifelong imbalance causing chaos & selfdoubt to disappear. We r all diff&
.this is my personal experience with my 25 yr old son.
Your story is like mine. Sociopath type father, covert type mother. Lots of trauma then I had a 7 year relationship with a (diagnosed) psychopath. Now I'm estranged from my adult children.
@@rebeccabriggs2982My husband and I are suffering from a narcissistic only daughter but reading these comments makes me realize some are suffering so much more. I’m truly sorry for your pain and suffering.
@@beaglerescue5281 any suffering within families is just awful. I'm unfortunate it's passed down through my family to my children but I also am aware a child can be really loved and well parented and still become narcissistic. When I finally broke away from a life of terror with my ex I had a 2 week old baby. Some months later I found out my mother and youngest sisters were secretly communicating with the ex (diagnosed with psychopathy). I confronted one of them and she said "you spent years trying to get us to accept him and now we have and you don't like it". They literally had nothing to do with him aside from some family occasions for the entire 7 years UNTIL we broke up.
They also knew I left in fear, that he was arrested and charged. That I went to an empty house with no power or hot water 2 weeks after an extremely traumatic birth and stayed there for a week sleeping on a foam mattress on the floor.
I realised they truly were my dangerous enemies.
They also, earlier, secretly had a relationship with my ex husband and his wife (from my first marriage) and between them all worked on my 3 children.
They took scapegoating to a whole new level.
It's been extremely damaging.
I'm still trying to recover years later.
Any brush with narcissists no matter how big or small changes you. I pray for your strength and thank you for your kind words.
When kids have one narcissist parent treating you like trash, married or not, it is very hard to keep healthy boundaries and consequences.
The narc parent joins the child in abusing , ignoring or devaluing the other parent.
Thanks for talking about this. I live with a narcissistic husband and my youngest son is a narcissist. I am so emotionally exhausted. 😢
Hang in and change u or the situation.Start living,be brave,God be with you!
My daughter slammed my finger in the door and chopped it off
Im sorry but I will not take responsibility for that!!
I disagree Im sick of feeling responsible for my narcissistic daughter.
What about the families that have many children and only 1 is narcissistic. That disproves this theory
I have 8 children & the youngest who is 14 is the only narcissist.
Many times if there is only one child in the family that is being labeled as a narcissist, it's because they're actually the scapegoat and likely the most empathetic member so they take a majority of the abuse. Narcissists love to rally together and label the ostracized person as the problem. There, that apparently disproves that theory.
Dilchives you are wrong on every level! You are prob one yourself .
@@christinefletcher6939 Are they the "Golden Child" amongst your children?
Great video! A lot of people are going through this right now😅
A friend of mine, very wise person, had the saying, “I choose to not participate in that”…an argument, gossip,a child questioning her decision, she said she’d say to her kids, it’s not up for debate, I’m not changing my mind.
Too much time has been wasted trying to convince my son that I’m a nice person. Things he’s accused me of, he’s doing, so a complete hypocrite.
Just went no contact with my 42 year old son and his vile new wife! I am free from attacks, viscous behavior, verbal abuse. My l quality of life is wonderful now!
Do you have grandchildren?
I can no longer play "20 questions" with my narc adult kid as they lack the ability to look inward.. I refuse to engage with someone who is engaged in an active smear campaign against me, as anything I say will be used against me. Narc kids can be forced to follow one boundary--no contact. No using the grandkids, no hoovers, no more ruined gatherings, no more endless ya-ya, no more drama scenes, no more threats of 'I'm taking the grandkids away", no more ATM for a bottomless pit. Me being "done" with the dysfunction was the catalyst to finally having real peace in my life. I look on my narc kid as a life lesson now. I learned that there are no perfect ways to please someone whose sole mission is to invalidate and destroy others. No contact is very painful because it forced me to see where my own flaws were in the relationship. I am better off
It is true. It is my responsibility. My son is a narcissist. And just a few months ago the "penny dropped". I too was a narcissist. And when i realised that, it made me feel more hopeful that one day, him too will change. And it is through my behaviour that i hope this change will occur. I can only hope. I am sorry for not knowing best when i was younger. But it was what it was at the time. It is painful to admit how imperfect we are/ were...However it is the only way to set us free.
Thank you for your videos💖
I've heard it's extremely rare for narcissists to admit it.
It takes courage to admit that, I applaud your honesty. Good luck to you :)
Thank you for covering the topic of having a narcissistic child!! It's the most difficult situation for sure. You have to set boundaries to save your own sanity, finances, life..... but it's so difficult and painful doing so because you feel as though you're failing as a parent! :(
I totally agree!
So true…boundaries do not work with narcissists. Expecting a narcissist to respect boundaries is like asking a criminal to respect the law 🙄
I have learned that I cannot reason with my irrational narcissistic adult daughter
Same here
Maybe she thinjs the same about you
My elderly mother is a narcissist. I think I’ve finally trained her to “not go there “. I don’t respond to her when she tries to pull something or simply say “ oh no , that’s too bad, then change the subject. You must tell them you will not accept being spoken to in that tone, that way etc. that’s it. Do not engage with them about it . This guy is good.
@@stevevernon5038 stop trolling!
@stevevernon5038 and maybe you are a narcissist yourself.
Asking him questions only leads to more attack.
I have a 38 year old divorced son that is a vile narcissist and I believe the only way for parents to save themselves is to cut off all ties with these children the heartbreak of losing them is not as bad as being abused by them
Why did you listen to this program when you already decided to ditch your child? Or did you listen?
@@stevevernon5038shut up. You don't know this person and what they have been through. Perhaps you had a narcissistic parent and project that on parents with narcissistic children.
I am going to try his strategy of turning everything into a question with my adult daughter. It is hard to watch her destroy her relationships with her lack of empathy and accountability. With me she can dish it out but she can’t take it. Now she was born this way.
I am listening to this man talk about the childhood wounds that cause this but that is not the case in a true narcissist. It is a genetic trait. High testosterone and low cortisol are the reason.
He is so wrong about not being born this way. He may be talking about someone with narcissistic tendencies but not a true narcissist.
There are numerous "Theories" and not just one theory. One theory is that NPD is a learned behavior pattern. Another theory is it is genetic. One theory is they have been coddled and rescued, and spoiled by the parent and no real or minal consequences were placed on them by the parent such as in referencing to studies, "The Golden Child." Treating them as a friend instead of acting as a parent. No real accountability and consequences. And, a combination of all of the above mentioned.
I'm a 71 yr old grandmother who has 31 yrs sobriety. I've been watching several of your videos. I am totally fascinated that you're teaching the Wisdom (and healings) that I've experienced in the simple (but not easy) 12 Step Program. I continue to heal from negative events in my life that have remained the deepest wounds of my soul. As you know, these surface as we mature and grow and heal until we're ready to be healed of them. Thank you for the truth you're sharing. Keep up the good work. 👍
I am so grateful for this video. Thanks for shedding light on this very topic that no one ever addresses much. Everyone blames parents at all times, but what if kids had everything…love, protection, great life, and they turn out narcissist? I believe it is genetic because I feel like the lamb raising a wolf.
It is genetic 100Z.
Didn’t see my son for two years, then out of the blue he said I can speak to the grandkids which I did for about a year then guess what he swiped them away again ….the poor little ones must be so confused, I’m heartbroken 💔
I accepted my faults many years ago and it has made no difference
Just stumbled across this video tonight. This is the most informative video on this subject I seen anyone make thus far. Thank you for not being like every other pie in the sky video on this subject. I have a narcissistic adult child whom I have been no contact with since January. Ive gone through all the emotions one could possibly imagine, grieving the loss of my child, healing my own childhood trauma, and moving forward as best I can. Got lots of validation listening to this video tonight. Thanks!
You’re welcome 😁
@@kennyweiss interesting that you only respond to "good comments". What is about the people who suffe rand asked ou for help? Wouldn't you say "this is a nacissistic trait by itself?" Yes, you have narcissistic issues yourself, right? That explains much.
Some kids are born as sociopaths, psychopaths or narcissists. It’s not your fault.
These “strategies” may make you feel better personally, but deep down you know they don’t work. I have a narcissistic sister that has hurt our mother & myself to the point that we finally cut off contact. It has been a relief. No more games. This alternative is not much better, but it is better than the hell that was before.
True the only solution is disconnect.
I have a narcissist sister AND mother, both of whom I cut ties with. Life is peaceful now :)
Agree 100% my 18 year old son is exactly like my ex and my uncle and they were a constant in his life so now he thinks that's how he can treat me because they treated me so bad I've realised all 3 of them are narcissistic
Yes, when I tried using boundaries with my son and his wife, they were so upset. I asked them to treat me with respect in my own apartment. My son, and especially my DIL were aghast and let loose with all the reasons I was inferior to them. He’s an engineer and she’s a mathematician. Seriously, they think they are better than everyone else and live on their own little self-perpetuating hate machine. It’s just shocking to me. I’ve gone no contact. It’s horrible to lose my son, but they severely hurt me emotionally over several years, which affected my heart, literally. I’ve given the situation to God. It makes no sense and has no closure so to me, it’s evil. Stay away and let me find some happiness. So much hurt and pain, more painful than anything that’s ever happened to me.
My child is almost 32 and an alcoholic. I also believe she is a narcissist. She goes into violent rages when she drinks snd accepts no responsibility in her behavior. Instead, it just continues. I have tried helping her to the point that I'm now drained of resources and now she won't allow me to see my grandchildren. She has blocked me from her phone and social media. I feel so lost but this video did help me understand what I should be focusing on; for that I thank you.
Before I went no contact with my oldest daughter, I was getting butterflies every time I had to visit her. She was demanding more & more of me, none of it was ever good enough, because I 'owed' her. It was mental gymnastics & death by a thousand cuts. When I said "Why are you treating me this way!", her answer hit me hard, "Obviously you deserve to be treated that way. If you didn't then I wouldn't treat you that way", that sentence was verbatim to what my ex husband, her father used to say to me. She was no longer in the room, it was like dealing with my exhusband all over again. He was ruthless, cold hearted, no empathy for anyone, a sick sense of glee when he could mentally destabilse his victims with his demure voice and do it with a smile, my daughter became the exact same. She doesn't hold her father accountable at all for his behaviour, that was my fault, she said "It's your fault you weren't smart enough to outwit dad. Therefore you deserved all the abuse you got. Since you weren't smart enough, you had no right to be a mother". I had 3 children(2 boys & 1 girl) to my ex and have 2 children ( 1 boy & 1 girl) to my husband, out of all 5 children, she's the only one like that, she wasn't raised that way at all, but she still became her father in every aspect, to me there has to be some form of inherited characteristics. Most of the ex's family are also the same, his father was just like him, so are his brothers, plenty of marriage & relationship problems in that family. I know that going no contact with her has saved my sanity, I can't fix my daughter. NC also also means peace for the rest of my family and grandchildren. My heart didn't want it that way, but she gave us no choice.
Oh my gosh thank you thank you thank you for making this video I was waiting for someone to help me in this area. Thank you it’s so sad though. It’s really tragic and there’s no good magical answer. All I can do is pray for mine
Same here it’s devastating😢
@@Luv4USA24 My grandmother was a Byrd. Bernice Byrd :) ❤️
Is this the same science that 25 years ago recommended parenting where you NEVER say no to a child …. !
No actually. I don't have to accept the scraps.
Thank you👏🏾 This is the comment I was looking for, I knew it couldn’t only be me that vehemently disagree with that advice.
I think the point is to understand that it'll be a mostly one sided relationship. At best you'll get some crumbs of positive from them.@@Hawa5050
Well I WAS feeling understood with the first part of the video, however, the second part reeks of the way society treated parents of autistic children 40 years ago where responsibility was placed on the parents. I have four children. Three of them are not narcissistic and one of them is. We were the same parents to all four children. In fact, the one that is narcissistic is one of a twin. He’s been this way since the day he was born. As soon as he learned how to crawl, he would crawl over to his twin brother and steal his pacifier. He was not parented to be a narcissist. And I am in no way above thinking that I am somehow responsible. In fact, I am the first one to point the finger at myself and at my parenting. It doesn’t hold water in this case.
Good point. That's exactly how people used to discuss autism, as if the parents must have done something awful to the kids. There was a huge shift in theories of Child Psychology between the 60s and the 80s that we never quite caught up with. In the UK, parents were pretty much tasked with feeding children and making sure they met physical milestones. Schools used to set the standards for education and wider socialization of children. Ironically, the increasing "professionalising" of teaching led to teachers deciding that a lot of this wasn't their job. Practically, most parents don't have the opportunity to observe their children's behaviour in a class of 30+, and get the insight into how miserable their child's future is looking, and what to do about it. Who chooses life with a narcissistic adult child? If we'd been given the vocabulary to describe this problem and how to fix it, we'd have done it already.
Another reason not to feel guilty, is that no-one can point outside the family towards a better way. Through the 80s and 90s, all the professionals kept these kids at arm's length because no-one knew what to do with them. It's just easier to blame the parents. Personality disorders weren't defined to help these patients. They were defined to help professionals explain the few clients who were using up the bulk of their time and resources. So how were parents ever going to solve this in isolation?
Ive been going through this for years!!
I am at my end!!!! This video helped me alot!!! I blamed myself for my 30 year old daughter's behaviour!!! Blamed myself for not giving her limits!!!! She iss living with me now with her husband and three children!! Iam 70 years old and I feel like I am running a hotel!!! My husband is apathetic!!! She shows me no respect !!! She is waiting until her new home is ready!!!
Something my ex narcissist would say all the time is.."Don't question me!"
thank you- from now on, when my adult child with narc behavior brings up old grudges (her favorite past- time to try to control a conversation and play victim) i will ask her, "what are you hoping i will respond when you bring this up repeatedly? that i'm sorry? that i was wrong? that i'm to blame for all your life woes, that i "owe you" forever?? if so, let me tell you: i've apologized, i've tried to make up for it with all the NICE and GOOD things i do for you on a consistent basis, and i can not change the past." it's so hard, because she was severely abused emotionally (as was I ) by her father- so since he's deceased now, she seems to let his abuse go (she can't challenge him about it) and instead focuses her laser beam of blame and victim mentality to anything she PERCEIVES as injurious or confrontational or in any way, critical of her behavior, her looks, her needs, her wants, her selfishness. it's so hard to detach! god, give me the strength to DETACH.... and just OBSERVE... and lower my expectations- to not expect, or want, any sincere love, empathy, or good will from her.
“A WALL of Pleasantness!”
Thank You! ♥️
NO MORE having to engage all the time, trying to help them change = I FINALLY SEE, it is pointless, and NOT My Cross to carry! 😇💕
Narcissism has been passed down in this branch of the family for at least 4 generations that I know of, on both sides, but especially on the mother's side. This emotional crippling has been passed down through the family, and most of the family members are unwilling/unable to look inside because they are terrified of appearing weak or vulnerable because it will be used against them by other family members.
For me, I say don’t engage even when they ask your advice…. Simply state: You’re smart, I’m sure you’ll figure it out and walk away..
Narcissistic people need to be "mirrored". A great example of that is how Jesus faced the Pharesees and even some members of his own family, telling the truth, returning the questions and walking his own way thru them and in spite of their rejection of him and his teaching. He said that the truth makes you free if you "know" it, knowing being an active verb : you take it and handle from it, what is acting in responsibibity.
GREAT VIDEO !
It REALLY sucks...that after you divorce their dad and find happiness and peace....then you're dealing with my adult children who are narcissists! The abuse is horrendous. After 10 years of walking on eggs since helping with my grandkids...I'm have been officially cut off from my 3 grandkids and the other 3 I get to see occasionally because my daughters have no desire to be with me. I know they used me...but I did what I could to be able to see my grandkids. The sad thing...is I finally gave up on having the close warm relationship that I had with them when they were kids. They got worse and worse as they got older and never grew up. I told my daughter that I wanted : kindness, consideration, appreciation and respect. I havn't heard back from her. Spending holidays alone.
I'm in a similar position-wishing to have the days back when my nephews were young because now as teens, it's as thought we don't exist to them. I have finally given up as well on having the close, loving relationship we once had as these days the kids can't even be bothered to respond to a text telling them I love and miss them. Heartbreaking but it is what it is. I helped create this mess as I overcompensated because their parents were selfish and abusive/neglectful; their father is a narcissist. I wanted them to have as normal a childhood as possible and was more like a grandparent to them than a great aunt. They spent much of their childhood with us until the last couple years. I did the same as you-walked on eggshells, kissed their parents' butts (when I wanted to KICK butt) to ensure we were in their lives and they would know they were loved and valued. I miss them so much but there is nothing I can do. Spending holidays alone isn' t so bad. Make sure you stock up on good snacks, have a good movie to watch and it helps a lot to have a pet to cuddle up to as well. I rescued a little dog recently and turns out that she has saved ME, given me something new to cuddle, love and focus on instead of the situation. The holidays are nothing but a racket anyhow-do a little research as to their origins and you won't want to celebrate them anyhow. You're not alone in any case and I wish you love and healing.
Thank you! “Turn the question” and that makes you look at the situation as an observer who learns, instead of a subject who is only hurt.
Perfectly said👌
Its a good strategy *but* when I tried to do this to my mother she just bedded down further in to the silent treatment. Like, how *dare* I question her. I think if a person occasionally meets their needs lazily through narcissistic behaviours, this turning the questions around could make them think ''wow, not my finest hour'' but with a true covert narc like my mother, there is *one* perspective, hers, so therefore any attempt to present an alternative perspective is completely *outrageous* and I fully deserve the three and a half year silent treatment she has been giving me so far. (I asked her not to label me sensitive and paranoid any more. I had turned 47. I thought, this should stop now. She thought differently)
I need to watch this over and over and drill this into my head and practice. Wow. Revolutionary. Thank you.
Me too it's so easy to be on the defensive
Having joined the family after soon after the bio mom abandoned her 12yo boy and 6yo girl with their father. My step son was already who he is by then. My daughter flourished with the change and my presence. Our son had always shown narcissistic behaviors but we dismissed them as trauma and would find ourselves in a loop for hours of him needing constant praise. Now that my son is 20 his power tactics are more than cutthroat and vengeful. His words Searing deep into our core we unknowingly exposed him to when he was studying us. This video is exactly what we need to hear and do to still love him and keep our sanity
Yes! My DIL love bombed me, got my personal heart info then used it against me. Arrrgh. So cruel
Man if it's not genetic I'm at a loss for words. I have 5 kids, 3 are step children who have lived with me for 10 years now. Biological father comes in and out every couple of years. They've all lived with each other and went through the same and all the kids are great kids and students...... except for one. This one is the only one that looks like, talks like and behaves like her dad and he is a full blown narcissist. She sees every type of doctor there is,, we do family counciling every week and still nothing. The second she walks out it's like a switch happens. If you confront her on anything at all she'll start destroying our house and attacking us physically if we try to stop her We've had the cops come out multiple times because we have much smaller children. She's 13 but she's also 5'11 165 pounds. It's not a child your trying to stop. Everyone in our house constantly has our stuff stolen. There locks on everything and we have no idea what to do with her anymore.
I have experienced lots of narcissistic abuse. And I think that a narcissist is born. Not made. If narcissists were made, then everyone that has been abused would be a narcissist. The Bible also says the wicked go astray from birth. I grew up with a girl that was truly an evil child. She got a kick out of watching people suffer. The evil in a narcissist is not normal. It's demonic and they thrive off of hurting other people. One thing I know about narcissists is that they hate authority. Don't hesitate to call the police on your step daughter. She is dangerous. And is only going to get braver if she gets away with it. I have known narcissists that would set up traps so that an "accident" would happen to their target. I even knew one that drugged someone in the hopes that they would't wake up. They wanted to make it look like the person overdosed.
That's tough! Have you taken her to a psychiatrist yet? It sounds like medication may help in your situation. I have a son who suffers from schizophrenia and his behavior is sometimes similar to what you're describing. It's a tough situation for sure!
I have a NArc daughter . It’s a living hell . She is 38
We've run out of ideas for dealing with our 16 year old. Basically just trying to keep everyone alive for the next 2 years. Then he's gone.
Dealing with 16 yr old daughter. Heartbreaking and difficult. It just seems to get worse and worse.
my Mother was a narcissist so it is not my first rodeo. She was like my 2 adult children. She would say what did you bring me, where are you taking me, etc. I finally accepted her as she was, set boundaries, got to go when she got mean, we will talk later. All I could do was protect myself. Same with these kids, they are not caring people. They just care about themselves, very selfish.
He’s exactly right. Hands down.
This is so good! My issue is that I get vulnerable and stressed out trying to understand too much! I just want peace😮💨
I agree to a point. When it comes to divorce and child custody not all parents have full control over the environment that would be best suited for their kids. I'm a stepmom, I have a narcissistic stepson, his mother is a neglectful alcoholic. He is now an adult narcissist. I pointed out his narcissism as a teen, around 14. Insisting that he get counseling. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing to say but it was the truthful thing to say. He now blames me for his childhood being "traumatic". And he refuses to address why he may have some of the issues he has as an adult and how it relates to his alcoholic mothers neglect. My husband has spoken to him several times we have come to the conclusion this kid simply does not respect his father and never will. I've also concluded and have come to be at peace knowing that I am the villain in his life story. I can't reason with a crazy person.
OMG Miss Mary, your situation sounds exactly like Mt step daughter who just turned 25. Her mother is full blown narcissist and although I tried my best raising her with primary custody since she was 5 yes. Unfortunately she turned into her mother and blames me for everything too. So disheartening. I send u a big hug.
I have found step parenting to be a thankless job indeed-I don't miss being blamed by everyone for everything when I was the only one trying to do what benefitted the child instead of myself. He, too, was severely neglected, lied to and manipulated by his mother to believe that I was the bad guy, the reason his parents weren't together, etc. I did everything possible to ensure his well being and continuously hoped we would have a good relationship. Given that particular situation, however, I realize now that I never had a shot. I see it clear as day now. I wish I was as realistic about things then as you are now-I would have saved a lot of heartache.
Great video. I liked the point about how we do our best not to repeat the same mistakes our parents made, yet make our own errors in other ways. Very true, I've noticed that as well. Its as though we mutate the intergenerational trauma
My situation is my daughter has set me aside two times. First of all my parents named me as PPO and Health Care Rep of my Father, my daughter did not think that I was capable of taking care of my Dad after the death on my mother. When I did not do what she wanted me to do she would not see me and threatened to call the police if I even came to her home, she did let me see the grand children at my sons home.
The second time was after my Dad passed away, she did not want my siblings to have a service with an open casket, she wanted to wait until after Covid was over. 3 of the 5 of my siblings wanted a service with the body for closure and to honor their life. Because we went ahead she blamed me and I have not seen her for almost 4 years, and I am not allowed to see my Grandchildren. I can however send presents.
She won't talk to me or try to make amends. My heart is breaking she has taken everything that ever mattered to me. I turned it over to
God it seems there is nothing else I can do. I need help I miss them so much!
The irony is I was the adopted scapegoat of an extremely narcissist family of intellectuals. I couldn’t open my mouth without being shamed and corrected or called silly. So I was tortured in that way then when I had my own family I presented a super watered down version of the way I was raised trying to choose what wisdom I had gained and when my own kids hit puberty I was annihilated continually for things my parents would have beat me or grounded me three months for. I was pretty codependent from having to look at myself as a joke and others as more valuable so I did everything for these kids treating them like gold and they all turned into narcissists of varying degrees and mob attacked me. They STILL blame me for a lot of their problems and I really would rather be alone than hated for being the best version of me I could be. Like F that. Being a parent is a temporary relationship like dating somebody you know you won’t stay with. Focus on yourself indeed💜
I’ve apologized to all my children for mistakes I’ve made. But does that mean I need to let my children punish me for life?
No !
apologising doesn't work with narcissists.
Especially since we take accountability, acknowledge their suffering, how our behavior hurt them and more importantly adjust our behavior correcting it
Only to get continually shamed and guilted. Myself, I stopped blaming Mt parents for messy life situations and decisions in my mid-to-late 20s, when I became a fully developed adult
Do I still carry trauma, yes, but ultimately my messed-up life is on me. Clay is 33 years old and he still blames and guilts me
Depends on the apology.
Apologizing just gives them armor against you in the future
I told my daughter she’s more like me then she thinks, she said oh so you think um a narcissist? I said no, because I have had a full and complete psychiatric evaluation and was told that I am not a narcissist. I did have high narcissistic traits but have been addressing them and my emotional stuntedness and numbness in therapy. I was raised by a narcissist mom in a dysfunctional family. I tried to raise my kids differently but I didn’t know what I know now. In 2019 I had a break through and apologized to them and others for my bad behaviors and not knowing better at the time. It was to late for my youngest. But once you know you can’t unknow what you now know. ❤️
I agree with you. You give the educatuon you don t want to the next generation, again and again.
How I wish I had heard this excellent advise 10 years ago
Excellent video. I did exactly what you said; did things differently from my own childhood. (Our feelings were never acknowledged.) I probably coddled my child too much and over identified with her pain. Took a great parenting class when she was around 12-13 but wish I had done it sooner. What a world, parents mean well but we still hurt our kids. Exhausting…
now i know why i feel like a bad mom to adult kids because i gave them everything and always made sure they were good and now im paying for it.....im gonna seek couseling to heal my own self...thank you and im gonna take this serious im about to have another grandchild...i dont get to see the other ones maybe this will turn around...thank you so much for this information...im 52 and its time to make a change....
My narcissistic daughter who is 31 (I’m 56) just called me the worst dad ever. She doesn’t live with me. She’s now a single, unemployed mother. I’ve been paying her phone bill for 10 years! Should I finally stop paying her phone bill?
💯
Yes
Yes!
Yes.
yes
Oh I wish I had found you four years ago.I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter for three years ,I had to cut her from my life to actually survive . I am her biological mother but her statement is “ I should get everything money house contents because’And this is a direct quote “ I am blood and you only married him “ .
The second last sentence my husband said to me before he died was. “ she is going to give you hell when I am gone “
Please be careful and cautious. She sounds dangerous. Making those type of threats she is giving you a warning. I hope you have a very strong executor. A person with boundaries to manage your estate, especially your daughter. You may want to consider and change everything such as if you have life insurance policies, financial assets, property, and so on. These type of narcs. are "malignant narcissist" and they are very dangerous as they are capable of anything and everything. She will threaten and run you half out of your mind like my grandmother and father when they passed away. You may want to do an estate and leave her $1 as this will prevent her from appealing your estate and going to court to get your assets. If you do a will she can easily challenge and appeal it in a court of law as she is your daughter.
My question is: how broken does a parent need to be before they say 'enough'? My tipping point was burn out and a cancer diagnosis. Adult kids with a sense of entitlement and no empathy are formidable opponents. They will wear you down and not care how much you struggle as long as they're OK at the expense of your wellbeing. They will have an excuse or a blame narrative ready for every question you ask. Safeguard your mental health, stop being a fixer/rescuer, and above all else for the sake of their recovery as much as yours, be prepared to save yourself and disconnect.
We have had sadly to cut off the relationship, because the narcissistic daughter has morphed into an elder abuser, and that is the last straw for us. Very sad about that, but we cannot deal with it any more, as ageing parents.
Betty, Please protect your assets. Get them off of everything. I have my grandmother and father. They were abused and financially exploited throughout their life. An absolute terrible time when they passed away.
@@oliveoil7642, Please protect your financial assets. Get them off of everything. Narcs. are psychopaths.
This is how a narc spouse should be treated also!! Narc spouse and child are excruciating. I’m not perfect and apologize for things that I should have and shouldn’t have but wanted peace and the apology made them worse. I wish I would have known this years ago. You want the best for your kids, two kids and two different mentality. We try to do things differently than how we were raised.
People should take parenting classes, it’s just a fact.
When you said "keep a semblance of self esteem and power", it hit so hard. That is so real and so deep. I was starting to cry when I told my daughter that I cannot afford Cubs for my grandson any longer. She went straight for " I figured you would do this." She cussed me out and hung up on me. I am struggling to keep her household up, and ours, and that is what I got.
We are all imperfect and human. We have be willing to accept that. What we do is usually out of ignorance, not because we don’t love them. It’s not what we say but how we say it, the asking the question works. Think before you speak and it will help your relationship. Asking the question will help them think about their actions. Always love praise and notice good. Thank you for this topic, great words of wisdom.
My son has hated me from the day he left the womb. He was 2 years old the first time he ran away from home and hid under a neighbor's deck. He did it just so he could hide and watch family, friends, neighbors and the police look for him. I was a good mom and raised other children who are not like this. I have to look at it like a mental illness. Otherwise, I would drive myself nuts trying to figure it out and fix it. It's not fixable.
Oooooh I've been searching for this subject for 2 years!!! Thank you!!!
I want to send this video to my parents as it describes my brother to a “T”, but I am afraid of the blowback.
I don’t know how though, everything I do is flipped back at me, and long story short, my health has been on a downward spiral for the last few years and I’m stuck back under the same roof as them all (after having a successful career in SF for over a decade). I have home health nurses coming and am being abused by my brother. Also I’m on the autistic spectrum, so my brother has absolute control of how I am seen and treated in the family.
God Bless you and whoever is reading this, I pray God’s Grace covers you and your pain.
I could see when my daughter was younger she had oppositional defiance disorder. She is now 21 and plays my grandson off against me. I havent spoken to her for a few weeks. I worry for her and my grandson but ive recoveted from cancer and dont feel able to go back into this again. Its devestating.
Interesting. My son had ODD and ADHD (lost the H now). He turned into a high level narcissist.
Very good video! My child is 14. She is displaying narcissistic traits, but I still want to be in her life. Even though it seems like she hates me. Thank you.
i have two siblings who are mild narcissists and a parent, do not speak with them, you can help them sometimes but set strong boundaries starting with speech
Responsibility is the ability to respond !