This was so accurate! My DA ex and I are attempting to work things out. With the tools I have learned from PDS and our time apart I believe we have a good chance this time. I was able to see where we triggered each other in our past relationship. This was so helpful. Please pray for a healthy successful relationship with a former AA who has been working hard to heal her wounds and traumas and her DA! Thank you so much for the work you’re doing. I am a PDS member for LIFE!
@@romaekimberlybisnott6226 hey, Hope you don't mind me asking, I'm a AA I'm sure he's a DA, may I ask how's it going ? Now I've seen this video, I've done all the triggers she said not to, we hadn't spoken for 8 months and back talking again .. Anyway, Sorry to intrude on you.
Credit to all the DA's that are watching this and trying to get better. It's not easy to change something so deep inside you that you don't even realize it was there.
So much hate in the comments. Hate for a person who has a condition born out of a traumatic childhood through no fault of their own . It’s horrendous being the partner of a DA I agree but it should be recognised
Top Triggers of Dismissive Avoidants 00:38 - Volatility They value safety via consistency, predictability, congruency, you showing up. Unpredictable = unsafe. Needs: safety, security, certainty. Volatile trauma behaviours of SO will cause the DA to work harder at first, but then erode to surrender. "But when I get angry, they actually pay attention" says the SO. Yup, but it pushes them away in the end. 4:50 - Criticism Blunt, harsh words trigger the "I am defective wound". They then feel shame and they want to run and hide. 6:08 - Expectation Expectation makes them feel incapable. "Sometimes my partner wants stuff, I do my best, but I don't get it right and I feel, 'why bother' because I feel defeated and hurt and vulnerable even just trying to do it." 8:19 - Pressure to Open Up or Be Vulnerable This triggers feeling unsafe, trapped, weak, or controlled. They fear losing their independence. Independence = survival. 9:42 - Not Feeling Acknowledged. They don't need approval, but they do value feeling acknowledged when they're trying. They don't know if they're doing a good job at the emotional stuff because of a lack of modelling. It's already a huge effort for them to try in relationships. So them making an effort is them facing their biggest fears. So if they make a huge effort, and it still doesn't get acknoweldged, that's where they give up. 11:06 - Violated Boundaries If someone infringes on their boundaries, their space, they're triggered. It goes hand-in-hand with pressuring them to open up.
@wilbur111 great contribution, thank you so much. Now we with some DA percentage can compare our DA triggers with our core wounds, but not only with them. We can see how we can extrapolate the consequences from our trigger behavior, understand our protest behaviors and ultimately reflect inwards to figure out which stories we tell ourselves, ie. narratives and deep-rooted belief energies. It's hard for us to take our triggers and narratives and question them, to gain a wider perceptual bandwidth. I wish all good introspective healing in this matter 💪💆♂️💆♀️🤺
That is not a fair or accurate statement. Everything you described is a result of a DA feeling threaten, hurt, or emotionally unequilibrated. DA's tend to have the most traumatic and emotionally volatile childhoods. Do you ever consider how your actions affect other people? No, not really. Spoken like a "true AP" my needs, my needs, my needs are not getting met.
@@grrlinglasses I am not anxious preoccupied. I completely empathize with a dismissive avoidant childhood. But as an adult, the ones who don’t take responsibility and accountability definitely do engage in disappearing acts and ghosting. They are unable to provide the very thing that they needed also (as an adult and a child) to their partner.
@@stoutpig Not really, I identify and test and secure. And I have avoided engaging in any of the triggers mentioned in the video to create a safe space. Yet, It was never reciprocated. This is because the person is not actively healing or working on their attachment issue. Despite me showing up as best as I can and securely, it wasn’t necessarily returned by the DA. This can leave a partner who is already insecure very hurt
This is all great information BUT, as a partner to a DA, I don’t honestly believe we can do much to HELP or SHOW them that they are safe/doing their best/we are proud/patient/trying. I personally feel this advice that offered in parts of the video ONLY applies when we’re working with a DA who actually is doing their own work on themselves. If they aren’t making moves to heal and work on their stuff, there’s nothing we can do that’ll pull this all together in a healthy way.
Exactly…my DA and I (AA/FA) have big communication issues. His boundaries are so tight and strong that even mentioning we/he explore these concepts or things I think would benefit us/him (love languages etc.) seems to go in one ear and out the other. I’m trying to preserve a 3 year relationship with someone who won’t even give us a label but if I should say nicely or hissy-fit style I’m leaving he will ask me to stay without actually asking. It feels impossible and he’s the best man I’ve ever met who seems to accept me but not truly honour majority of my relationship needs 🤷♀️
Yes but bear in mind your essentially asking a blind man to see because you find it more convenient to be with a sighted person than a blind one. I dont know or understand what this "intimacy" everyone harps on about is. I try what I think it is and that aint it, I ask and get told told I should know. Well I dont because that was never modeled for me and I never lived in a world where I was allowed to be connected to my feelings and my feelings and boundaries were safe and respected. It feels like trying to describe the color blue to a blind man. So yeah I love but I also deserve privacy. I dont know what people like you want but it feels like demanding I show the neighbors my asshole or you'll leave. I'm allowed to have things that are mine.
@@evil1by1stop being a whiny victim. Once you know this about yourself it’s on you. No one feels sorry for you, we all have emotional wounds. Grow up. Work on yourself.
I feel so bad reading these comments 😔 I swear we didn't choose to be like this, sometimes I just wish I'd disappear with all the memories people have about me. I am trying to heal and improve myself slowly everyday which is why I ended all kind of relationships I had with people and only left my relatives close by because I don't want to hurt more people with my traumas . I just want to say that I'm sorry and I'm trying (but seriously though, why is therapy so expensive? :/)
Awwww, you are so wonderful. I hope you don’t take it too personally. People are just getting their point of views out. People need to be reminded that trauma forms this. And that DAs aren’t aware of what they’re doing a lot of the time. I have the upmost compassion for what you go through, too. I am sorry that it’s hard.
This is good. Please keep seeking therapy and be transparent if and when you decide to be in a relationship with someone. No need to destroy their lives by pretending to be normal when you still need work. It’s not fair to other people.
I would love to talk to you about this journey. I just found out that I'm like this and I want to get better too. Therapy is very very expensive so having a comrade would be really nice. I don't want to be like this. Jesus, EVERYONE hates us in the comments. I don't blame them I hate me too. We didn't choose to be like this. Its only after we've done so much harm and lost amazing things that we find the truth. Too late. I don't want this any more.
being with an avoidant takes a tremendous amount of patience and unconditional love, u literally have to be a saint and give all the space they need, let them have their freedom and autonomy. no demanding, no expectation, go with the flow.. focus on you, your passion, your hobbies.. learn to self sooth, have your own emotional support.. at the same time be there for them, be on the same team, be a good listener. heal your own wounds and become more and more secure .. be light.. be safe.. be kind.. be fun, and be happy while ure doing all these things. and one day just like that something shifts in them. it happens, do the opposite to what your anxious narrative tells u to do, it works.
@@nitacollins3645 mine never tried to control me, actually he is more than happy to let me have my space and encourage me to have my own life as he values so much his own space and freedom. i think avoidants are like that. as long as u are not too close and demanding they are good, unlike narcissistic ones.
Good luck. Some of us want to be truly and fully loved. Something DA’s aren’t capable of doing well. To commit yourself to a life of not experiencing real love and care is cheating yourself. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.
@@Oh_Nana1990 we ARE capable, but it has to be right. Everything isnt our fault, some peope are just incompatible. DA's need and want alot less than the ridiculous rules that you posted. That was not a DA but just not into you.
I’m coming to realize we become “preoccupied” bc it’s just us doing the work, just us caring, just us trying to understand and accommodate. It’s not healthy. With someone secure I didn’t have a care in the world and funny enough that security gave us both so much freedom. Bc there is peace and security at the core. These people aren’t cut out for relationships. They either need someone casual or a limited interaction. They always think some unicorn will fix all this when it’s not reality. They create these dynamics that don’t work out by giving breadcrumbs of themselves once someone gets close out of a defense mechanism. May as well have a “keep out” sign
Thank you. I just started a relationship with someone like this. And one thing I can say about these people is that, these are one of the most difficult type of people to deal with. Because avoiding those triggers is like avoiding land mines, it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship without having difficult emotional connection at all and be a perfect cute little doll so the guy will always feel safe 24/7 and doesn’t run away. It does require us to be solid rock, self reliance and self fulfilling machine for the both of us at all times to be with them. Forgive my frustration. But it is frustrating. I don’t give up on people easily. I believe there’s always a reason why we are in someone’s life and why they are in our lives.
Hi, I'm hearing you. Yes, they are difficult to date. Being secure, I don't get into panic mode when my DA distances. He gets all the space that he needs nor is there emotionality or volatility in our relationship. I feel that his feelings are overriding his fears since the sense of safety being in a relationship with me is growing. There are days however that I think that "it's all too hard". This happens when my DA doesn't make definite plans for our dates and does it on the last minute. I want dates to be planned but I don't know how to go about it without me fearing that he might think I'm demanding or putting expectations on him.😕
@@mawtek3339 Yes, have to be very mindful of what you are going to say. It's easy to get carried away when the DA is being available, then all your emotions start pouring out! And then..you get hit by an "ooops" moment when the DA does not answer your text, and you realised you've gone overboard!!!😦
@@warmhart2034 I haven't reached out to my DA in a week (I'm always the one who reaches out). Now, silent. He doesn't even bother to reach out to me either. I'm wondering whether he's noticed at all that I have disappeared :D
@@alinebelle9055 I usually text after 3 days if I haven't heard from him. I make it sound light such as " just checking in...hope you're going well" I usually don't ask a question because if I don't hear back I go insane!!! If he doesn't answer, send another one in 3 to 5:days or so. In the meantime, while waiting for his reply, self-soothe heaps of it!!! Let me know how you go.......
I am 1000% a DA and I know exactly why. I’ve always known I had some trauma but couldn’t put a name to what that is. I am so glad I ran across this video. Also it’s not a DAs fault for being a DA (I know you mentioned that in the video) a lot of my trauma is from my parents not being emotionally available and me not having a safe place to speak about what was in my mind or on my heart so I had to find out how to deal with things myself. DAs may be hard to handle but please don’t give up on your loved ones as they try to heal ❤️
Wooooooww. Coming from 1000% DA as well. This is my exact perspective. I want to feel soooo bad and used to crave falling in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me… just to experience the opposite for better understanding. It’s sooo hard for me to commit.
Your explanation of what the DA feels when their expressions of love miss the mark is very interesting. I really see this in my husband. After 15 years of telling him how I need to be loved, he still keeps doing it his way, and seeing me as hard to please. It seems like he really does want to do things right, but he thinks he shouldn’t be told how and it should happen “naturally” (it doesn’t, ever). And when pressed, he seems to be paralyzed-he doesn’t seem capable of giving an honest compliment. He freezes or becomes defensive, even trying to find ways to blame me.
It really does happen naturally! When someone lets it flow, you can focus on them and see their needs. But demanding that it is done in a certain way is CONDITIONAL love. As a DA, I would just think-then go get someone like that, why bother me and frustrate me? You need a robot, not a partner. Its a rejection by YOU, not the DA.
Not necessarily a narcissist at all...in fact a narc is more likely to give complements freely to manipulate. Likely a DA struggling w compliments because they never received words of affirmation or being seen for achievements or attributes as a child - in keeping with their emotionally neglected childhoods. They tend to want to be authentic/honest so if a complement doesn't come easily then they won't force it as they will fear that is being manipulative.
@@mjbuchanan1961No. You can still love someone unconditionally and not have your most basic needs or wants met and thus, make "demands". The "demands" are usually the most basic requests anyone in any loving relationship would already be experiencing.
Idk if it’s me but i see a lot of hostility towards DAs/exes that were DAs in the comment section. Empathy for the DA. Those of us with AP/FA styles need to give as much understanding and patience towards DAs as we expect for ourselves, especially the more sensitive among us. Im not talking about forgiving abuse, manipulation, etc. I’m talking about taking responsibility and accountability for OUR part in the relationship we had with with our DA, and making sure we are being honest in that. Giving them as much compassion as we would want. They are not all monsters; we are all not victims. Love to DAs, to all attachment styles. Good luck to all ~recovering FA leaning AP
Thank you for your comment. I am FA strongly leaning DA and also AP. In some past relationships I was the FA/AP, and in some others, I had more of a DA behaviour. Is that possible? However my deepest core trigger is safety. For example, having been vulnerable had backfired on me so many times, or having been in a relationship with a partner who has an addiction make me feel emotionally unsafe. These situations have made me want to withdraw at a safe distance (unconscious survival mechanism) which is also painful and loaded with feelings of incompetence, shame and unworthiness. Doing a rigorous and honest work on ourselves for all attachment styles is necessary to understand and heal mechanisms and dynamics, so we can all see our inner dark side and be less judgmental of others.
Thank you! I agree with you. We aren't monsters and trust me when we see all the blame being cast at us or sure is hard to feel otherwise especially by all these negative comments. I feel like these people all missed the part about criticism and are justifying this behavior.
i’ve never been in a relationship (i’m 18) but i’ve learned i’m a DA and these comments are a bit hurtful. the whole reason i’ve been so scared of a relationship was bc i knew something was ‘wrong’ with me just by the way i acted around friends and family. i’ve been working on it now but sometimes i feel like i can never make things better. like maybe me telling myself i don’t deserve to be in a relationship is not just an irrational thought. i know i shouldn’t take these comments to heart but it really hurts and almost solidifies my belief that i could never have a healthy relationship with anyone.
@@ninabear444 my daughter is DA and the there has been no abuse just smothering from me, I'm ex Ap now secure, the truth is this, to be in a healthy relationship you need to change your attachment, the same thing I tell her and she's 13, I don't want my daughter going round hurting people especially since she has the ability to switch off and be cold, this is damaging to her and the other person. She's been working on it for a year and I see progress but I would never want her to go into a relationship unless she has healed, hurt people hurt people and I've been on the other side it's horrific. When someone ghosts you after a year of serious dating only to show up three months later, when they don't communicate, when they ignore you, create unnessasary distance. When they stone wall you, you blame yourself have anxiety every day, it's hard on your nervous and immune system, you wonder what's going on, this is the other side that you won't feel. It's bad news all round. Concentrate on changing your attachment, Thais courses will help then he in a relationship, things will change, if you don't do this, the truth is don't expect to be happy, I'm 49 and I'm older DA who don't change are not happy. Xx
@@Miriam-ul4ke i’m very happy you are working with your daughter to change! i am also working on it. i think i’m just trying to accept my past and current habits and it’s tough when you see people generalize so much. i have personally never ghosted a serious relationship or anything of the sort. and my communication skills aren’t that bad w friends and others outside my family, i just don’t want to test the waters by bringing in a committed relationship. but yes! i am in therapy which i’m very happy about and i constantly journal my emotions day to day to catch these subconscious thoughts that lead me to staying in this attachment style.
I’ve just come out of a relationship with a DA before I knew what a DA was. It was one of the hardest relationships I’ve been in. Everything you’ve said is so accurate. Thank you for the video.
I did all of these with my DA ex-wife. She left about four months ago after I had been in trauma therapy for 6 months to deal with my issues. She is completely unaware she has any trauma of her own, despite me pointing it out. There’s no talking to her anymore, but understanding this really helps me to move on. Thank you so much.
@@YOU-niter Yeah I get both of you. I've just been traumatised for the last year, dealing with a DA who constantly traumatised me dumping his crap on me, excepting me to be there for him with zero notice at the drop of a hat, to meet his need for everything to be perfect for him, but as soon as I asked could he help me out, then he said no & inevitably triggered my emotional "why can't you just help me & be fair when I helped you?" it's not fair, trauma wound, then he just couldn't deal with me having emotions, hence him blaming me for triggering him for not helping me. Ok thanks. At least now I recognise his style & actually now he's blocked me I feel actually more calm knowing that at least I know what he's put me through for the last year.
@@erinsylv2098 I don't know really. The guy has been still seeing me on and off for the last two years toxic situationship style but it never goes anywhere, we argue we split up we see each other again. We both have saturn conjunct in our combined astrology chart, I wonder if that's why lol. How about you?
Me and my DA broke up in our first fight beginning of power struggle a little over a year. I knew his issues and I’m sure I could have done better. This was the third time he came back after a 2 short dating periods about 2 months. He committed within 2 weeks. Even “changed his FB status” told me he loved me after about 2 months. He acted more attached when I was around. But not around it was like out of sight out of mind. One time I asked him nicely “since we don’t see each other much. Can we just text each other goodmorning and goodnight. That would make me feel much better and validated. It lasted like 2 days and after I was the only one doing it for about a week I said “am I the only one doing this?” He responded “yeah, you make it like a chore and I makes me not want to do it” even when I communicated nicely and he didn’t want to. He was so cold about it!
@@janobia05yet if your partner says it makes them feel a certain type of way, why wouldn’t you just make the effort? How selfish are you that just because it’s not important to you, you dismiss your partner’s request for connection?….
For the skeptics, I never been to therapy, never read any books or videos about ANY of this relationship stuff but recently I was evaluating my own relationships and behavior over years, and I came to realize that I have the exact behavior she describes as DA. It was a revelation I had and at first I thought maybe I was a “rare bird” then I stumbled across these videos. It makes me feel better knowing that others have this same blind spot and it can be managed. I referred to the issue as my blind spot, or behavior so intertwined with my own identity that I couldn’t see it. If you know a DA be patient, It’s likely they don’t see the pattern and likely won’t be receptive to your criticisms or assessments because we tend to rely on our own judgement more than others. That’s being said, we don’t know, what we don’t know. I’ll also say this, if your in a relationship with a DA and your working through it you will be rewarded with a level of intimacy that most relationships never enjoy because when a DA lets you in, you have a companion for life. One that will give as much as it receives. Good luck!
I don’t think anyone should stay with a DA unless this person is actively working on their issues. My mental health was heavily damaged by my DA ex and I honestly don’t like these comments coming in here saying they fall into “DA” and that people need to just wait these problems out until their own DA decides to fix themselves… that’s not how it works. A lot of DAs are abusive. If you got better that is great but there is a huge difference between someone taking care of their issues and someone completely ignoring them, and even disregarding the input of their partner or anyone else. That is an anti growth trait that is so destructive, you can’t help someone who behaves that way.
Please nobody is sticking around to be traumatized for the reward of ultimate intimacy that probably Won’t look like ultimate intimacy to someone who is secure or even fearful avoidant. Dismissive Avoidants need to stick to being in relationships with their group of people because it’s not fair to be high maintenance in a relationship by requiring so much yet giving so little.
I loved my DA friend and had moments where I was let in, and they are a rare beautiful soul, a genuine treasure to truly know, but alas, trauma wins. I couldn’t do it anymore; I kept trying to earn that reward. I only felt secure when I did something right and ‘got rewarded’ by them, and I found that I kept trying to be rewarded. Because the reward never stays. I’m glad to know it can be possible. I wanted it to be for me. I wanted this person in my life, but it was not healthy for me, and was so confusing and destabilizing and stressful and frustrating. And I was really compassionate. 😢
I'm an anxious avoidant who was recently involved with a dismissive avoidant. He was very inconsistent and Hella triggered me. I recently told him that I couldn't see him anymore, and I meant it. He blew me off when we had plans for the last time. It hurt me a lot... and it wasn't the first, second or third time. I won't give him any more chances to hurt me. He has a low tolerance for emotional volatility and criticism... but he sure as hell didn't care about how I felt. I don't hate him, but I am still very pissed off at him.
Do you even realize what you wrote? You told him you couldn't do it anymore but then felt blown off? He has low tolerance but he didn't care about how you felt? You can't have it both ways. You seem to understand the type he is but have no compassion and empathy for his triggers but expect him to have it for you. How do you expect that to work? I ask in all sincerity.
@@kristidin1983 uumm...i think you misunderstood her. she meant that him blowing her off that final time led her to end things with him. and correct, he has low tolerance for volatility, but did not care about her feelings or how he created that volatile dynamic within the relationship. there is nothing conflicting about that statement. i say this with no malice intended - reading without defensiveness leads to better comprehension.
Yes, DA’s are extremely sensitive and perceive almost everything as criticism bc of their core wound “I am defective.” However, they have no problem treating others however it suits them bc they are very self-centered and self-absorbed due to always trying to protect themselves. That’s the way they are wired.
Dude totally fair. Like I want to extend compassion and I get the triggers. But its pretty hard to date someone when even the most gently put feedback is percieved as critisism. And worse when you need help with something or communicate your expectations are not being met they act like your the asshole. Idk. I want to care but some off these people need to realize thier selfish AF
I wish I had watched this a few months ago, watching has brought me to tears. I lost someone I love very deeply, and I realise now that I hit every single one of his triggers unintentionally. If only I could turn back time, I would approach things very differently.
its not your fault. its none of our faults. we cant be expected to know these things, we are not psychologists, just as they are not expected to know our attachment styles and bend over backwards to try and understand and accomodate us. you gave it your best shot. its ok. i understand what you mean. 🙏😔♥️
I just finished watching this video and thought exactly what you said. She broke up with me 1 month ago after a 7 month relationship and for a lot of it, we were really good. I know that I hit all of those triggers more than once, especially in the last 2 months. I am heartbroken all over again, because if I had looked this up earlier we would have still been together.
Avoidants will have triggers dealing with everyday life. They are responsible for recognizing and managing those triggers. Who wants to tiptoe around a DA and be responsible for making sure their escape feelings aren't activated?
I am struggling to understand how a DA struggles to receive criticism when they find it so easy to criticize their partner. I find that my former DA partner found it challenging to compliment me or validate me in anyway, but he had no problem criticizing me. If they don't like it why would it be well received by their partner?
They're so highly self-critical that they just project that onto the people they attach to romantically. So when they reject / invalidate their partner they're actually rejecting /invalidating themselves or parts of themselves that they suppress (emotions, warmth etc) because they historically felt unsafe to engage in. Or something. My secondary attachment style is DA and I tend to be fairly critical of myself and others too. But then, I am primarily secure and I can deal with and welcome constructive criticism as an opportunity for growth. I guess it's more difficult when someone takes all forms of criticism not as an invitation to do better but as a precursor of rejection.
@@melw3313 I would say DAs and narcissists share the same core wounds, but DAs become self-reliant for their needs, narcs are empty and need to get their needs met by manipulating others.
What drives me CRAZY about DA is that yes they misunderstand a lot and there is a lot of miscommunication but like when I try to explain THEY DON'T LISTEN. They are stubborn.
We hear you. Try a different style. As a DA how my wife felt meant the world to me. Her being an AP in my opinion had her ruminating on all I wasn't doing rather than what I was doing. It hurt to be honest. I didn't feel seen or that I mattered.
@@kristidin1983 Any advices? She needs space or just leaves without saying a word, what should I do? I’m barely noticing this attachments. I had no idea this was a thing. What should I do? Please help
@@LaLoK955 give her space. Let her know you understand she may be feeling overwhelmed and you understand that taking space can be good for both of you. Ask her if she feels she may be able to come back to the conversation within the next day or so so you two can both be heard and maybe come to some resolve? That's how I'd begin. She may not even recognize what she is feeling. You don't want to tell her how she is feeling either. Rather explain you are attempting to be understanding of her needs in the moment. However you do still have a need to be heard. Which is fair. I would also look into co regulation. I hope you can find safety and peace between you both.
@@kristidin1983 it’s frustrating :( Because I want to be w her or talk to her): I’m just going to wait I guess If she replies to me, do I answer back or wait a little? It’s confusing lol
@@LaLoK955 I honestly cannot answer this for you. Playing games isn't going to help though. I don't know enough of what is going on. Continue to watch these videos. Learn about yourself. You can only heal you. Looking to diagnose someone else won't get you anywhere. Your focus and healing must be on yourself. Be that change you wish to see.
This is my wife to a T. I've learned all this since I've gone back to college to become a therapist. I learned that my attachment style was anxious type. I'm working on myself and this has caused my wife to start a change in herself. It's a little slower than mine but I can see the difference in her. I still need work on not trying to change who she is because that will be her journey. I've just taking up more hobbies like yoga, working out more and connecting with other people instead of her being my whole focus in life.
The sum total of all I have listened to with regards to avoidants is that basically, we are late in the day parental remodelling. Every point is what a good parent works through with their child.
I’m a DA.. this short series has given me so much insight into why I’m triggered the way that I’m triggered and why my belief system is set up the way it is. I feel that you are saving my life and thank you.
I previously commented on how it was overwhelming to deal with my DA partner. It has been… but I have realized in the last 2 months it’s not his fault he was a DA, I have a perspective of more understand & empathy now for his traumas that created these characteristics. It’s now my decision whether to have even more patience to help him with healing. And he is worth it , so I shall. Thanks for the great content!
Irony is that when you show more empathy and try to be understanding and caring thats when their biggest fears comes up.. they are scared of being loved and they subconsciously believe they are unlovable. So its a lose lose situation.. there is no saving the DA. Even if you try to be rational and try to be less emotional when bringing their toxic behaviors upon their attention, they will take that as a personal attack. So i guess we should move on.. Even though we love them deeply, it’s quite difficult to have a long term/ happy/ fulfilling relationship with an adult child and its not our job to reparent them.
@@uchithahettiarachchi8304 “there’s no saving the DA” is false. that would be implying the human brain isn’t permeable and can’t be reprogrammed. I would say the person, like anything, has to want it and do the work. You can’t do the work for anyone and you can’t want it more than them for it to work. Also, being that fear is the underlying cause of DAs behavior is another indicator they can change. Survival mode tactics can be reprimanded. Some parts of your comment was true though, one of DAs core beliefs is that they’re unlovable and have some childlike behaviors.
@@MochaRose990 Yes, fear can be changed through gradual exposure to the fear. Fear can be overcome eg. fear of spiders, heights, elevators. Although, many of these fears do need therapeutic intervention. Unless one takes it upon himself to confront the fear and find that the feared object / situation is actually "safe"
I've been in a relationship with a DA for a # of years. Good person but emotionally unavailable. They are all in or not there. I feel like a light switch going on and off. Why should I continue to ride the roller coaster? Yes, they had trauma as a child but when is it time to get over it? I came from loving parents. Sure, every family goes thru issues but if they want to be high maintenance with no strings attached, then let them. I just don't need it in my life. You can buy me all kinds of things but in the end, all I want is real emotional caring. I can fend for myself but I want a partner who puts skin in the game and doesn't go dark until they feel like bursting onto the scene like nothing happened. I'm glad they worked it out but this time, my light switch didn't go on. That's on the DA! I tried! Over and over.
Everything you've said here is so true, looking a back I could feel those highs and lows but I kept suppressing my emotions when they were telling me things were not okay. That reinforcement of the dysfunctional cycle, the DA will meet your needs every few times and your body gets addicted to that good feeling of connection and then shortly after it's back to feeling disconnected and you're back to chasing that feeling again. Going no contact is also good for getting rid of the emotions and hormones you've become kind of addicted to. I think also not mentioning your intention to break things off is great to bring some clarity and obviously doing work around your own self abandonment becasue we get so hooked up on those cycles mainly because we are self abandoning as the anxiously leaning partner in the relationship with an avoidant. Dealing with codependency is very important
That was rly helpful what you said about not pushing a DA to open up more, but just respecting their boundaries and leading by example. As an FA who leans DA, especially in friendships, I can totally see how that approach can and has helped me feel a lot more safe to express than any other.
And people wonder why we hate the education system. Some of the most crucial information relates to social stability never even mentioned in childhood or high school. I lost my best friend to this dynamic and became the worst version of myself due to communication issues. Life is is a harsh teacher.
I’m an anxiously attached person and this made me realize I’ve been constantly triggering my partner. His avoidant behavior also is triggering to me though. I’ve been trying to work on it for a month or so but damn I feel awful :(
That is a crazy pairing, there are many articles & videos about avoidant/anxious. As a DA, I have done them, but it is just exhausting. If the sex is good, it may last longer, but both are feeling awful
@@mjbuchanan1961 agreed it’s a toxic dynamic. Has never worked for me and in the end you end up sacrificing your needs and are the only one trying to understand and really work on the relationship. Not worth it. Best to find someone secure or at a minimum someone who has the same needs naturally
This is exactly my story. I had to separate from my husband of 3 decades after l realized through therapy that we were triggering each other. It was crazy making trauma! It doesn’t change!
This was extremely insightful, thankful for this information. I have disorganized, fearful- avoidant attachment in romantic relationships only. I'm usually matched up with dismissive attachment styles, or disorganized as myself 😔 Ironically, friendships are pretty secure or slowly fade out in which I don't care but with romantic relationships it's a whole different story. It's so sad, heart breaking looking back on the past, seeing all of the trauma bonding from a different perspective 🥺 I feel incredibly sorry for both my exes and the traumatized part of myself. I'm single for a year because I'm still healing and understanding myself. A year is a long time for me. I am crying as I type this, I wish I understood more at the time...
Thank you for another insightful video Thais. Working on my 5h course in the school. The more work I do, the more I realize how sensitive my DA part is and how emotionally, this area needs the most love and compassion. Sometimes I feel like my FA side is subconsciously the protector of my DA self. Do the work, do the classes, every little bit helps. :) Big shout out to all the FA's and DA's doing the work. So proud of us for showing up for ourselves!
Personally, mentioning breaking up is my biggest trigger. Especially if it's brought up in a lot of arguments. At first, I will convince my partner that I don't want to and that we shouldn't. But if it's brought up consistently, I will eventually get to the point to where I will. It's then the other person's job to convince me that they didn't mean it and it takes a lot of convincing. Even after that, it takes a lot of time for me to be truly convinced. The argument could've been weeks ago but I might still be trying to figure out if they really meant it. Mentioning breaking up just to get a reaction is the quickest way to make a DA leave even if they love you. And as far as criticism goes, I am truly my worst critic. But when someone else starts criticizing me, I will criticize them back kind of in a way to discredit their opinion of me or my behavior. It's kind of like "you're one to talk" it's used in a defensive manner so that I don't get torn down by it. I still do but in the moment, their criticism doesn't soak all the way in. I'm not defending it because I know it's unhealthy and I'm working on it. But it took me a long time to put it into words and I hope this helps someone else by knowing they aren't alone. And sometimes if I can pinpoint why I really do something, it really helps me work on that behavior a little better.
yes! same. But disrespect is a permanent dealbreaker for me, I dont care who they are. I have also experienced that DAs get alot of criticism, I turn that mirror around too and suddenly, I'm not so bad. I suppose it could be a bid for attention, but it damages anyway. Who the hell wants to spend their days listening to criticism? NO ONE
Thank you for sharing. Your comments were very helpful to me and give me hope. 😊 I'm FA with a DA. Doing the work is emotional and uncomfortable for both of us and he's more resistant to it than I am which leaves me feeling like he doesn't care as much sometimes... then I read your post and I understand him a little more. He may be doing the work slower than I am but hes still doing it and that's huge. This is so hard for both of us, but I think its worth it. Thanks again.
DAs actually mention questioning the relationship constantly I find in several I was with yet they don’t leave and it destroys trust and security in the relationship. Every time we’d get close they’d start with this behavior. Also if they don’t want to be criticized then they should give the bare minimum in a relationship. Sadly many come on acting like they want the same as you and once you let your guard down you are getting less and less, being breadcrumbed and having to beg for the bare minimum. Not good. They cause it with their behavior. Someone secure just leaves. Now that im more secure this last several years than I used to be I try to understand where it’s coming from and give a few chances but the moment I feel it’s not changing or getting worse and I feel like im begging for the bare minimum im out. Secure people don’t put up with that stuff. I find most of their relationships don’t last at all. They are very self sabotaging and people get tired of it and leave.
The person I’m interested in is a fearful avoidant and I can tell he deeply cares about me but doesn’t vocalise it. The issue is making sure he has plenty of space for himself but also my detachment of the outcome and not “chasing him” or messaging him constantly seems to maybe give him the idea I don’t want him or he’s not good enough which is far from the case 😢 I love him (we’re working on friendship), FA warts and all, but I don’t know what an autistic FA wants that’s healthy for both of us but shows him I care and I’m not going anywhere. I’m consistent but it feels like it’s not enough 😢
Volatility = can't handle any conflict or the truth Criticism = can't handle any conversations because they are so fragile Expectations = can't handle any relationship responsibilities Pressure to open up= lack awareness / emotional intelligence Not feeling acknowledged = Not being present in the relationship. That's interesting because I am a ex DA partner and I felt very unacknowledged considering the list of issues/drama my DA's brought to the relationship. My advise is to RUN because Dismissive Avoidants need to grow up!
I would love to see a follow up "DOs" video for DAs. My partner is 100% DA and I have a hard time communicating my needs to him without him closing up.
@@jessicaamy6711 How can I word it when communicating needs that will not trigger DA? Eg .I'd like to see you more often. Your insight would be helpful. Thank you🙏😊
My partner is a DA and you absolutely nailed it. What is interesting about my guy is that his childhood was completely normal and his mom and dad were loving and didn’t smother or intrude on him and were very consistent and stable. So why he developed this attachment style is a mystery yet to be solved. But you definitely nailed it. He displays every single characteristic you listed in detail. Amazing.
@@marcd2743 the only thing we can figure is that he was a military brat and moved almost every year. His dad was officer and was rarely home. But when he was home he was kind and attentive. Went to sports events, etc. They had no corporal punishment. I know his mom, she is angelic. Sweet. Good natured. Respectful and respected. All her kids love her. Don’t fear her. No conditional love or guilt heaped on them over anything. She is a sweetheart. I do know that my husband, being the oldest of 4 and the only male, was very attuned to his mom’s feelings. So this could also be a factor. He gets flooded VERY easily. Like immediately. And when this happens he shuts down like a stalled car. I have decided to make this work. He has a heart of good. My frustration with him is largely that I am anxious attachment style so I am working on becoming healthier myself. He isn’t interested in digging into his stuff. Like most DA’s, he is obsessed with work. Keeps him from emotional stuff. So he claims he has no time for this stuff. The main problem is that no conflict is small with him. And no conflict can ever be resolved. Ever. So I have to let it go or work around it. If I were 43 instead of 63 I would probably make a different choice for my sanity. But at my age, I don’t want to start over. So I work on me since he doesn’t want to deal with this stuff. And I focus on the positive.
Was he emotionally neglected? Even if parents are physically there they may not emotionally connect with their kids. Or there could be absent parents both working long hours too.
@@Renee933 Mine was a preemie of an 18 yr old mom and dad was a stoic marine with ASD. Bickered constantly and he said he could hear it. now has misophonia and ASD. hes also an INTJ
The book Attached describes how attachment styles don’t have just one source. Sometime it’s genetic, others childhood experiencess, childhood wounds and/or previous relationships. It can be one of this or all of them or a combination of a couple. I named a few, the book goes more in depth about it😊
That isn't true at all as a DA myself. For myself ultimately we want to be very pleasing and loving to our partners. We just have our own hurts just like anyone else. Anxious and FA's have bigger issues in my opinion because they want everyone else to fix life for them. We DA's are independent but we aren't void.
you perfectly explained my way of acting omg thats why i'm single. recently a guy i know from a while was pressuring me to fo more to be more serious he want to be with me. i dont feel in love and i really hate to open up with anyone it only hurt. soo i said goodbye now i am really sad bout it i value him as a person and as a friend but i am not in love even if i was trying i dont know what to do because at the same time i dont want to be alone
Woww, I am so happy to have found this information, I actually realize how strong I really am to have lived and manage to function with all of this for all these years.
I am a DA. This is helpful. I agree that stability has helped improve my self-esteem & now I'm improving with vulnerability. Thanks for sharing this information.
Thank you for this video! My best friend is DA and this was very helpful in understanding how to best support him. He was my boyfriend and we have moved to just being friends bc he gets overwhelmed with too much emotion. I love him to pieces and I want to show him what a real friend is. ❤
Great info and video, Thais! I took notes to refer back to. As an AP/FA dating a DA for the past 2 years, and having had an 18-year relationship with a DA prior to that, who is still my best friend to this day, I'd say your insights are spot-on! And so very helpful to me to hear, as I am prone to volatility, high expectations, and a strong desire for more openness and vulnerability. (for MBTI lovers, I am an INFP, who seems to have a type, the ISTP.) Your video helps remind me to go low-pressure and low-criticism, and high-stability as much as possible when relating to my DA. Thank you for all your great content--you come across as a truly empathetic person!
I understand that da's have core wounds, and it's obvious that it their attachment style is not bad or wrong. My question is, what if this attachment style continues leaving me feeling that my needs are ignored and unfulfilled?
if your person doesn't want to work on things or improve and it's hurting you... then you should think about moving on - from a DA. Anyone and any attachment style can lack the insight to change.. anyone.
In my experience, Whit AD you need to strongly verbally express you needs, and tell that you well being and happiness depends on these thing's. Hard thing with AD that they take feedback slowly(needs repetition and loving) but setting clear rules, needs borders seems to work(my experience) . most likely you partner is not showing that love and care toward you because partners is scared to open and become vulnerable to depend on you. Misbehavior(stupid ctitism, anger etc) can be fixed by setting clear borders and absolutely holding them (tough borders need to be good, minimalistic and sensible). DA lack of interest towards you need DA to start dealing with issues. Abroach issues from perspective that you have needs that absolute need to be filled or you can't be happy, and one of them is that you want him honestly love you and that fear of love is in way. That what I would try. I hope this is any use (my dad is DA and they made it work)
I see this in my DA and tried to honor and work not to "trigger" him. However him cheating created a lot of these triggers on his own. So they need to also do their part when the partner is REALLY trying and trying to be there for them despite their DA ways.
Hi Thais I truly love your videos and you are so talented. I wish you would emphasize more frequently that the DA must be a 100% willing all-in participant to try to change themselves. Although these videos initially led me to find your work, I’m now more interested in how to recognize my own triggers and how to level up my own mental health and quality as a partner.
I’d like follow up info on how to repair damage once the DA has already been triggered by either being infringed upon their space, volatility or criticism.
@@adoptioncorner1984 well…he is in prison. He can call out, but I cannot call in. At the time this was written he stopped calling and did not answer my letters. It lasted two months. Then he sent a letter saying that he was feeling down so he couldn’t call or write. He said this happens to him sometimes. He resumed calling as though nothing happened. We never spoke of it again.
Damn. I did all of these with the last guy I fell in love with. I started reading about attachment styles after things between us went to shit. I'm a primarily FA, AP and DA coming up as 2nd and 3rd. From his behaviours, I see that he's a veeeery creal DA. Best intentions, very warm, but concious mind wants one thing, but the unconcious is running the game. This makes so much sense, and I totally understand why things happened the way they did for us. This is powerful.
I can tell my DA wants so much to be loved and accepted. As a FA, his reclusive behavior after we've made leaps and bounds of growth is extremely triggering and painful. We've reached a tipping point in our relationship and have sought out couples therapy. He says I'm the only person he's ever let get this close to him and he values me so much, so we shall see how much he gives to the internal work that's needed in order to meet my needs. I am already in individual therapy and now that I have discovered I have FA attachment, I feel so much more hopeful that I can achieve healing and not be hijacked by my childhood wounds. I love people so deeply, but become extremely sullen and heartbroken when I'm not loved back in the way I need. 💔 no more sabotage for me. I want to live a consistent, healthy life and experience true emotional intimacy.
I really relate to what you’ve shared. My DA has told me the exact same thing. I also feel triggered when after an extended period of improved relating and more equal effort he slips away. My hopes for myself and my progress are very similar to yours. Best of luck 🤞
Thank for your comment. I really thought I was alone and I was never going to be able to find the words to convey how I have felt for years and years with my husband and you said it so perfectly. Really thank you for sharing.
When I saw the comment section, it's confirm more and more that I'll be single forever as a DA. Not many people have the patience and time to deal with us. It's take take to heal and change. I hope I'm gonna be better in the future, and found someone who'll have the patience for that.
Revelations 21:5-6 ⁵And the One seated on the throne said: “Look! I am making all things new.” Also he says: “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” ⁶And he said to me: “They have come to pass! I am the Alʹpha and the O·meʹga, the beginning and the end. To anyone thirsting I will give from the spring of the water of life free. Have faith my child. The true king will return very soon❤
I’ll never understand how DAs crave security and safety yet their coldness and ability to just shut down causes that safety to be dismantled with their rubbish communication.
Defensiveness does not come before the criticism and if you cannot see cause and effect you'll never truly be res for yourself. As DA'S we have to learn to not be reactive but that stems from years of not being seen or heard. It's a matter of compassion and that's a choice.
@@Alphacentauri819 I did not blame defensiveness on the other person at all. What I'm saying is criticizing someone else does not help someone with these triggers. Criticism so rarely is an effective way to communicate to anyone. Not just DA's. I understand now certain things trigger me which I didn't understand before. Regardless it's not ok to effectively communicate with criticism and to think someone might not get defensive. That's absurd. This post is about pointing fingers rather than practicing empathy and compassion for another out of one's own defensiveness. It's about not acknowledging your own triggers. I'm not blaming someone else for my defensiveness in the past or future but criticism doesn't help in the long run. It's about learning how to communicate effectively. Period.
and there’s this ignorance. DAs have went thru trauma to feel the way they do. understand that and humble yourself. I hope that you comfort your friends better than what I’m reading, and if you’re not, your friends/relationships definitely deserve better.
AND WE WISH DAS KNEW ALL THIS SO U CAN WORK ON YOURSELVES TOO AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS AND HURTING PEOPLE BY MAKING US FEEL AS REJECTED AND NOT ENOUGH AS U FEEL INSIDE WHEN WE TRY TO LOVE AND VALUE YOU.......GET HELP AND GET CLOSER TO GOD.
Good luck and cheers, ignore ppl what pain DA as devils. You can have good relationship and life. Just find healthy person to be with and let yourself love and be open with him. At early point tell him that you have DA and with honesty things will eventually work. Not necessary with first partner but eventually. And honestly if you do more good to other in his love language than negatives in his perspective, then person will be happy.
@@CristianaCatólica she is not the person who hurt you. Be bit more compassionate, as she is trying really not do those thing you mentioned. Something like "you can grow out of it, we believe in you, and becarefull on others" would be more constructive response.
trying to know how I’m gonna ask my da friend for validation without triggering her...it’s bullshit I know no matter what I’ll say she’ll get cold and stonewall me...and I’m ready for it I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! let’s do it right or end it I’m choosing myself now and forever do this guys if they don’t meet your needs just leave them you won’t die I promise🙂👍🏻
I ended the friendship. 🥲 I have no ill feelings towards them. I know they were doing their best, though unfortunately their best…left me overworked, second guessing, doubting, having to read minds, unfulfilled, unhappy, anxious, stressed, confused, the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me could translate their actions (and inactions) and know not to take anything personally. I felt very skilled for awhile, and proud of myself for understanding them. (Cuz they were very very traumatized all their life, such horrors and pain they’ve been through, unspeakable). Yet I had to understand I was on my own healing journey, too, barely started recovery, and with them it was too much work. Too much hurt. And in desperate attempts I tried to nudge a little to make the friendship feel more two way than one way, but of course it would trigger them to shut down and be dismissive, and I’m really sure they just have no idea what their side looks and feels like to me. Their whole life they were seen as an object, a thing, as invisible, not a person with a consciousness and emotions, so they literally don’t know how to be a person to others. The friend I broke up with was so good hearted, and wanted to do minimum harm on the planet. They would be torn up if they really knew how they made me feel, even if it wasn’t on purpose (or so I hope. Sometimes I didn’t know, but that’s a whole other thing. I’m sure most of the time they were just blindly unaware). I don’t think they’re a bad person. I just think the relationship was bad for me, despite all its good.
Understanding why DAs are triggered (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and deactivating behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.
What I am learning from your videos is that avoidant people are just a burden to deal with and they require too much accomodations which they also think it's your responsibility to deal with. No thanks if you can't communicate your needs and vulnerabilities then I'm not gonna play a guessing game. I have my own issues to work with.
Let me simplify this for you. Envision the (your) DA as a 6 year old boy or girl. Try to get them to do anything you need as your romantic partner in your relationship. Observe the results. There is your answer. They are incapable and that is why. I can't imagine how long or how intensive the therapy would have to be for them to resemble an adult partner in an adult relationship as a significant other
Sometimes it feels impossible to deal with my DA. Just speaking to them about things is a minefield. Nothing seems to work. He wants to be around, but not in a meaningful way. He wants a relationship, but not at the same time. There is so much to love with him, but yet it feels like he doesn't want to meet any of my needs. Ugh...
This was really good. I'm starting to think. I'm fearful avoidant/DA but I fluctuate between all core wounds of all attachment styles which is rough. Depends on the person I'm dating of course.
The feeling acknowledged part…this actually triggered my DA to get angry and annoyed with me and then shut down. I was just trying to show appreciation for him and all hell broke loose.
Yes I’d just want to spend more time with him bc I cared and missed him (we only saw each other once a week and for a few hours due to distance) and he took it as a criticism. It was ridiculous. Like you should worship the little you get. Id try to say things like “I’d love to see you more if we could maybe figure something out”, he’d agree and do nothing then I’d get to the point I was pissed like I shouldn’t have to “ask” to see someone or for them to care. That was it for me. I left. Not going to coddle people who could care less about how I’m feeling
Yes, would love a follow up video on knowing what to do and say! I notice he comes back, we talk for a couple of days, and then he pulls away again. Very confused on wether I should reach out or what to do as to not trigger them.
My clearly FA partner is currently having space to herself. A wise friend of mine said I need to be like a horse whisperer - which is really being a horse listener. He said to really imagine her as a wild horse who is very easily scared. If I want that horse to come back, I can't go chasing after her because she'll bolt into the distance. I have to wait for her to appear and nuzzle up to me, and even then barely respond until the 5th or 6th nuzzle, so she can feel safe to come closer knowing that nothing bad happened before. Pretty much to ignore her and carry on doing whatever I was already doing until she actually tries to get my attention. But come back she does! It makes a lot of sense - my partner is an incredibly intuitive horsewoman who speaks great horse and relatively few human words! Ah but I love her - an absolute heart of gold under all that old pain and trauma! "Nonverbal, steady reassurance with no sudden moves or reasoning" says my wise friend.
@@muteqx funny to read this right now, as I was just thinking about this exact same concept earlier today. It's like a confirmation to me, that it's the next thing to try, with a guy who is slowly now, coming back around-- 'eyeing the corral', as it were, remembering there were good times there, and wondering if it's 'safe' for him, yet/again. Of course, I'm thrilled and want to run out and meet him!-- but I know that may make him run again! That's why I'm now watching videos like this. Some comments have been REALLY helpful and insightful, too-- like yours! Thanks for taking the time to share that, I think it may help me to help someone who needs help...the way HE needs it.😌🙏 🐎💕
@@WhiskyGravy good luck! My partner stayed broken up with me this time and it's been really hard but is probably for the best. I miss her. Today would have been our 4th anniversary. Oh well. There are definitely a lot of lovely people in the world so I'm not as destroyed as I was a few months ago. I hope your situation works out! 🙏
What happens when a dismissive avoidant is actually more critical or is the one triggering volatility in their partner? In my mind that erodes the relationship because their partner will avoid being triggered by putting distance between them and the avoidant partner.
Every video of yours about DA (I watched almost ALL!) is like a portrait of my ex..It's scary how much ones responses fall into a pattern and such a shame that they are not willing to watch your videos, they would be so helped. But I guess you can access help only if you really seek it.
Just learning about all this attachment style stuff and unfortunately I feel like I fall into the DA category, which according to some of the comments im reading here and on other videos means im just a complete asshole. My parents were hardly ever avaliable and every relationship I've been in they pretty much wanted me to do whatever they wanted and not have an opinion of my own and have had to fend for myself in terms of support so I feel like I kinda developed it honest enough? Not that thats an excuse, just looking back its kind of like "yeah, that makes sense." But I truly love people and crave that connection on a deeper level. I despise superficial friendships and seek out honest and compassionate people. My fiance and I DO communicate very effectively 90% of the time. She's really brought me out of my shell but certain situations still shut me down.These videos are incredibly helpful and hopefully her and I can continue to grow together.
You will do fine. You are an honest and loving person❤ remember that even Jesus needed to distance him self from his loved ones a lot ❤️ Luke 4:42 When day came, Jesus left and went to a secluded place; and the crowds were searching for Him, and came to Him and tried to keep Him from going away from them.
Interesting.. Under the problems DA's must be awesome.. It seems like their issues are damaging to their partners and not worth it but I see so many videos about how to understand DA's and how to get them back after they leave
I married and have had to coparent with a DA man for the last 30 years. The marriage was miserable - like living with a robot. That’s on me and not knowing myself and my own crap….. Having said that, DA’s make HORRIBLE parents. My children are in constant pain from the hot cold cycle of his parenting- usually siding with a new wife or gf - then the volatility of his relationships (he has attracted one with high narcissistic traits this time and it is a nightmare) to his excessive workaholism, inconsistent follow up or basic lack of emotional connection. IT IS AWFUL TO WATCH. If you are dating a DA you are in for a rough ride. Think about your future and the future of your children and be prepared to live in an extremely lonely marriage.
I learnt to ignore him and put my needs first …. I have to take care of my own safety regarding money and other topics …. He is the last on my list as he deserves that spot !!!! 😎
@@kristidin1983 …. Well … I have no respect for a covert manipulative “man” …. or other “ men” or “women”that use the same techniques!!! He is a SADISTIC “ person” as well ….. sorry but not sorry !
my ex fits the DA profile, I am willing to do the work to help rebuild but he is rly closed off. I feel rly discouraged when I try to show up for him and he pushes me away. I wish I knew what to say to help us both be open to at least try.
everyone is a reflection of you, change yourself and the exterior reality will reflect that! Focus on yourself, if you are feeling discouraged it's bc you are still focusing outside, focus on feeling secure, safe within yourself :)
I am here because my sister pointed out that i might be dismissive avoidant ... listening to this i finally understand why i am the way i am... i wish i could explain this to my partner and i also pray that i can work on myself to get better 🤞
As someone with an FA style, as much as I completely understand the criticisms of DA, it seems that it's extremely villanized, whereas an anxious attachment is always framed as the victim, when there's a lot of harm those with an anxious attachment can do, and there are a lot of valid criticisms. At the end of the day, those with an anxious attachment style may appear more selfless, but the behaivor is coming from internal wounds all the same. Even then, those with an anxious attachment style can be quite selfish and greedy as well, likely to be serving their own need for validation.
@@stoutpig I totally agree! The people inside the school are wonderful and have been really supportive towards me. Some TH-cam people here only focus on bashing.
@@stoutpig I am glad that has been your experience! Yes I completely agree with you. I would say we all are just acting from our core wounds and it’s important to have compassion for all attachment styles.
I have been a victim of DM partner atrocities. i ruined my 6 fucking years trying to fix a broken man who was fucked up. never ever go to them for reconciliation. they are narcissist.my partner was abused by his parents, n was constantly performing for them for positive reinforcement by keeping his sanity, health, studies and finances at stake.when i used to question him that why he is doing that when he can clearly see his parents are abusing him.he said doing things for his exploitative family gives him satisfaction. the dynamics are quite funny.his family was emotionally, physically , financially abusing him and he couldnt see that and he was emotionally physically and financially abusing me and he couldnt acknowledge that either. my ex was a victim and perpetrator of emotional abuse. i dont know if i should feel pity for him or get angry on him.loss of identity, self worth, broken dreams, betrayal he will never understand what damage he caused me. the last time when we talked i said u hurt me..n he was surprised and said...i did not hurt anyone..i dont hurt people..this is how delusional DA are..no point in explaining or trying.
How to deal with a DA ?!? They throw things in my face they know hurt me, nit pick about the most minor things and then when I suggest they level up, I get ghosting. They don’t realize I am their mirror and they won’t look at their issues/part in it. Too much blame put onto me and no accountability on their part. And lack of communication when they are upset. I am very accountable for my actions and behaviour, but if they don’t communicate, it’s very difficult.
So basically….. Your partner wanting and expecting totally *normal* , common sense things that come with being in a relationship with someone are their triggers… Again I remind myself: Don’t EVER date another dismissive avoidant, it’s just not doable for me 🤷🏻♀️.
@David S. Exactly. It’s sad cuz when you really like someone like this you want to try to “fix” them, but some people are broken no matter how badly you love them. They just won’t or can’t change.
Not all of us are irreparable at all. We wouldn't be here learning about ourselves just like you otherwise. Maybe look a little deeper into the criticism thing...
@@kristidin1983 Well if somebody’s willing to change and is doing the hard work to do so that’s different. I’m sure someone like you who’s doing the internal work could have a good relationship one day... But me personally, I have my own issues (as a fearful avoidant) that I’m struggling to overcome; so putting me together with a dismissive avoidant is a legit nightmare lol, that’s why I have to stay far, far away from dismissives.
Exactly. Bc they don’t know what normalcy looks or feels like (from childhood). They also don’t trust it, so they think it’s fake. They’ll start to sabotage internally bc they don’t think they deserve it, or bc it feels so foreign.
@@mybiggrin And see I totally get that. I’m actually an “anxious avoidant” myself (so like a cross between the two spectrums). So I totally understand wanting to run at every turn. But at least I can connect intensely with others, I just run hot and cold…But dealing with dismissive avoidants is a whole other animal. It’s like they barely connect at all and seem so closed off and cold even. I get that it stems from childhood trauma on their end, but for someone like me (who has attachment issues myself) I just couldn’t deal with it lol. It felt like being in a relationship, alone.
I know I'm a bit late but I really appreciate your videos. It has been helping me understand myself over time 💕 however, I was wondering if you can post a video on how to deal with the triggers, thaaankk you ✨
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This was so accurate! My DA ex and I are attempting to work things out. With the tools I have learned from PDS and our time apart I believe we have a good chance this time. I was able to see where we triggered each other in our past relationship. This was so helpful. Please pray for a healthy successful relationship with a former AA who has been working hard to heal her wounds and traumas and her DA! Thank you so much for the work you’re doing. I am a PDS member for LIFE!
very lovely post
@Wooftown B thank you so much. So you have a DA/AA (healing) dynamic?
@Wooftown B do share some of your journey if you care to. I’d love to hear.
I'm so happy for you! Good luck in your journey together ❤!
@@romaekimberlybisnott6226 hey,
Hope you don't mind me asking, I'm a AA I'm sure he's a DA, may I ask how's it going ? Now I've seen this video, I've done all the triggers she said not to, we hadn't spoken for 8 months and back talking again ..
Anyway,
Sorry to intrude on you.
Credit to all the DA's that are watching this and trying to get better. It's not easy to change something so deep inside you that you don't even realize it was there.
So much hate in the comments. Hate for a person who has a condition born out of a traumatic childhood through no fault of their own . It’s horrendous being the partner of a DA I agree but it should be recognised
Top Triggers of Dismissive Avoidants
00:38 - Volatility
They value safety via consistency, predictability, congruency, you showing up.
Unpredictable = unsafe.
Needs: safety, security, certainty.
Volatile trauma behaviours of SO will cause the DA to work harder at first, but then erode to surrender.
"But when I get angry, they actually pay attention" says the SO.
Yup, but it pushes them away in the end.
4:50 - Criticism
Blunt, harsh words trigger the "I am defective wound". They then feel shame and they want to run and hide.
6:08 - Expectation
Expectation makes them feel incapable.
"Sometimes my partner wants stuff, I do my best, but I don't get it right and I feel, 'why bother' because I feel defeated and hurt and vulnerable even just trying to do it."
8:19 - Pressure to Open Up or Be Vulnerable
This triggers feeling unsafe, trapped, weak, or controlled.
They fear losing their independence.
Independence = survival.
9:42 - Not Feeling Acknowledged.
They don't need approval, but they do value feeling acknowledged when they're trying.
They don't know if they're doing a good job at the emotional stuff because of a lack of modelling.
It's already a huge effort for them to try in relationships. So them making an effort is them facing their biggest fears.
So if they make a huge effort, and it still doesn't get acknoweldged, that's where they give up.
11:06 - Violated Boundaries
If someone infringes on their boundaries, their space, they're triggered.
It goes hand-in-hand with pressuring them to open up.
Thank you so much for the effort 😉☺️
@Abc Def Done. But you can get the next one. :D
Thank you.
@wilbur111 great contribution, thank you so much. Now we with some DA percentage can compare our DA triggers with our core wounds, but not only with them. We can see how we can extrapolate the consequences from our trigger behavior, understand our protest behaviors and ultimately reflect inwards to figure out which stories we tell ourselves, ie. narratives and deep-rooted belief energies.
It's hard for us to take our triggers and narratives and question them, to gain a wider perceptual bandwidth.
I wish all good introspective healing in this matter 💪💆♂️💆♀️🤺
Really helping to me
It’s funny they value safety so much yet cannot provide it for their partner (ghosting, disappearing; hot and cold behavior, not validating)
That is not a fair or accurate statement. Everything you described is a result of a DA feeling threaten, hurt, or emotionally unequilibrated. DA's tend to have the most traumatic and emotionally volatile childhoods. Do you ever consider how your actions affect other people? No, not really. Spoken like a "true AP" my needs, my needs, my needs are not getting met.
@@grrlinglasses I am not anxious preoccupied. I completely empathize with a dismissive avoidant childhood. But as an adult, the ones who don’t take responsibility and accountability definitely do engage in disappearing acts and ghosting. They are unable to provide the very thing that they needed also (as an adult and a child) to their partner.
@@stoutpig Not really, I identify and test and secure. And I have avoided engaging in any of the triggers mentioned in the video to create a safe space. Yet, It was never reciprocated. This is because the person is not actively healing or working on their attachment issue. Despite me showing up as best as I can and securely, it wasn’t necessarily returned by the DA. This can leave a partner who is already insecure very hurt
Nailed it!
And yet it makes kind of sense... So sad.
This is all great information BUT, as a partner to a DA, I don’t honestly believe we can do much to HELP or SHOW them that they are safe/doing their best/we are proud/patient/trying. I personally feel this advice that offered in parts of the video ONLY applies when we’re working with a DA who actually is doing their own work on themselves. If they aren’t making moves to heal and work on their stuff, there’s nothing we can do that’ll pull this all together in a healthy way.
Exactly…my DA and I (AA/FA) have big communication issues. His boundaries are so tight and strong that even mentioning we/he explore these concepts or things I think would benefit us/him (love languages etc.) seems to go in one ear and out the other. I’m trying to preserve a 3 year relationship with someone who won’t even give us a label but if I should say nicely or hissy-fit style I’m leaving he will ask me to stay without actually asking. It feels impossible and he’s the best man I’ve ever met who seems to accept me but not truly honour majority of my relationship needs 🤷♀️
Yes but bear in mind your essentially asking a blind man to see because you find it more convenient to be with a sighted person than a blind one. I dont know or understand what this "intimacy" everyone harps on about is. I try what I think it is and that aint it, I ask and get told told I should know. Well I dont because that was never modeled for me and I never lived in a world where I was allowed to be connected to my feelings and my feelings and boundaries were safe and respected. It feels like trying to describe the color blue to a blind man. So yeah I love but I also deserve privacy. I dont know what people like you want but it feels like demanding I show the neighbors my asshole or you'll leave. I'm allowed to have things that are mine.
@@evil1by1stop being a whiny victim. Once you know this about yourself it’s on you. No one feels sorry for you, we all have emotional wounds. Grow up. Work on yourself.
@@lloydtxw I agree with you. Once you become aware it’s on you. The least a DA can do is find another DA and leave the rest of us alone.
Uh. Yeah. That goes both ways.
I feel so bad reading these comments 😔 I swear we didn't choose to be like this, sometimes I just wish I'd disappear with all the memories people have about me. I am trying to heal and improve myself slowly everyday which is why I ended all kind of relationships I had with people and only left my relatives close by because I don't want to hurt more people with my traumas . I just want to say that I'm sorry and I'm trying (but seriously though, why is therapy so expensive? :/)
I feel for you. Are you only DA or you also have a personality disorder?
Awwww, you are so wonderful. I hope you don’t take it too personally. People are just getting their point of views out. People need to be reminded that trauma forms this. And that DAs aren’t aware of what they’re doing a lot of the time. I have the upmost compassion for what you go through, too. I am sorry that it’s hard.
This is good. Please keep seeking therapy and be transparent if and when you decide to be in a relationship with someone. No need to destroy their lives by pretending to be normal when you still need work. It’s not fair to other people.
Therapy is a scam. Hangout with friends, do hobbies and try to heal on your own.
I would love to talk to you about this journey. I just found out that I'm like this and I want to get better too. Therapy is very very expensive so having a comrade would be really nice. I don't want to be like this. Jesus, EVERYONE hates us in the comments. I don't blame them I hate me too. We didn't choose to be like this. Its only after we've done so much harm and lost amazing things that we find the truth. Too late. I don't want this any more.
being with an avoidant takes a tremendous amount of patience and unconditional love, u literally have to be a saint and give all the space they need, let them have their freedom and autonomy. no demanding, no expectation, go with the flow.. focus on you, your passion, your hobbies.. learn to self sooth, have your own emotional support.. at the same time be there for them, be on the same team, be a good listener. heal your own wounds and become more and more secure .. be light.. be safe.. be kind.. be fun, and be happy while ure doing all these things. and one day just like that something shifts in them. it happens, do the opposite to what your anxious narrative tells u to do, it works.
@@nitacollins3645 mine never tried to control me, actually he is more than happy to let me have my space and encourage me to have my own life as he values so much his own space and freedom. i think avoidants are like that. as long as u are not too close and demanding they are good, unlike narcissistic ones.
Good luck. Some of us want to be truly and fully loved. Something DA’s aren’t capable of doing well. To commit yourself to a life of not experiencing real love and care is cheating yourself. It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone.
@@Oh_Nana1990 we ARE capable, but it has to be right. Everything isnt our fault, some peope are just incompatible. DA's need and want alot less than the ridiculous rules that you posted. That was not a DA but just not into you.
Thanks. I like this. It speaks to me.
I’m coming to realize we become “preoccupied” bc it’s just us doing the work, just us caring, just us trying to understand and accommodate. It’s not healthy. With someone secure I didn’t have a care in the world and funny enough that security gave us both so much freedom. Bc there is peace and security at the core. These people aren’t cut out for relationships. They either need someone casual or a limited interaction. They always think some unicorn will fix all this when it’s not reality. They create these dynamics that don’t work out by giving breadcrumbs of themselves once someone gets close out of a defense mechanism. May as well have a “keep out” sign
The part about being Dismissive and feeling defeated when really trying caused by miscommunication really struck home for me.
me too! Its my #1 trigger and I give up
Can you explain more?
Thank you.
I just started a relationship with someone like this. And one thing I can say about these people is that, these are one of the most difficult type of people to deal with.
Because avoiding those triggers is like avoiding land mines, it’s almost impossible to have a healthy relationship without having difficult emotional connection at all and be a perfect cute little doll so the guy will always feel safe 24/7 and doesn’t run away.
It does require us to be solid rock, self reliance and self fulfilling machine for the both of us at all times to be with them.
Forgive my frustration. But it is frustrating.
I don’t give up on people easily. I believe there’s always a reason why we are in someone’s life and why they are in our lives.
Hi, I'm hearing you.
Yes, they are difficult to date. Being secure, I don't get into panic mode when my DA distances. He gets all the space that he needs nor is there emotionality or volatility in our relationship.
I feel that his feelings are overriding his fears since the sense of safety being in a relationship with me is growing. There are days however that I think that "it's all too hard".
This happens when my DA doesn't make definite plans for our dates and does it on the last minute. I want dates to be planned but I don't know how to go about it without me fearing that he might think I'm demanding or putting expectations on him.😕
walking on eggshells eh?
@@mawtek3339
Yes, have to be very mindful of what you are going to say. It's easy to get carried away when the DA is being available, then all your emotions start pouring out! And then..you get hit by an "ooops" moment when the DA does not answer your text, and you realised you've gone overboard!!!😦
@@warmhart2034 I haven't reached out to my DA in a week (I'm always the one who reaches out). Now, silent. He doesn't even bother to reach out to me either. I'm wondering whether he's noticed at all that I have disappeared :D
@@alinebelle9055
I usually text after 3 days if I haven't heard from him. I make it sound light such as " just checking in...hope you're going well" I usually don't ask a question because if I don't hear back I go insane!!!
If he doesn't answer, send another one in 3 to 5:days or so.
In the meantime, while waiting for his reply, self-soothe heaps of it!!!
Let me know how you go.......
I am 1000% a DA and I know exactly why. I’ve always known I had some trauma but couldn’t put a name to what that is. I am so glad I ran across this video. Also it’s not a DAs fault for being a DA (I know you mentioned that in the video) a lot of my trauma is from my parents not being emotionally available and me not having a safe place to speak about what was in my mind or on my heart so I had to find out how to deal with things myself. DAs may be hard to handle but please don’t give up on your loved ones as they try to heal ❤️
@@cherylthompson2731
How do you get ghosted if you live together?
My DA ghost me now for 14 days but we don't live together.
An agonising experience 😩
Wooooooww. Coming from 1000% DA as well. This is my exact perspective. I want to feel soooo bad and used to crave falling in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me… just to experience the opposite for better understanding. It’s sooo hard for me to commit.
@@marcd2743
DA came back!!!
He's so special!!!
I think I will give it a go one more time and start the "talk"!!!
No???
@@hippiehooligan_
I feel the more my DA loves me, the more he wants to run away.
He's too scared to commit!!!😧
I'm not giving up yet!
DAs are so unique and special.
They need consistent secure Love💖
Your explanation of what the DA feels when their expressions of love miss the mark is very interesting. I really see this in my husband. After 15 years of telling him how I need to be loved, he still keeps doing it his way, and seeing me as hard to please. It seems like he really does want to do things right, but he thinks he shouldn’t be told how and it should happen “naturally” (it doesn’t, ever). And when pressed, he seems to be paralyzed-he doesn’t seem capable of giving an honest compliment. He freezes or becomes defensive, even trying to find ways to blame me.
He is a narcissist. They are not in touch with their emotions, let alone yours...
It really does happen naturally! When someone lets it flow, you can focus on them and see their needs. But demanding that it is done in a certain way is CONDITIONAL love. As a DA, I would just think-then go get someone like that, why bother me and frustrate me? You need a robot, not a partner. Its a rejection by YOU, not the DA.
Not necessarily a narcissist at all...in fact a narc is more likely to give complements freely to manipulate. Likely a DA struggling w compliments because they never received words of affirmation or being seen for achievements or attributes as a child - in keeping with their emotionally neglected childhoods. They tend to want to be authentic/honest so if a complement doesn't come easily then they won't force it as they will fear that is being manipulative.
@@mjbuchanan1961No. You can still love someone unconditionally and not have your most basic needs or wants met and thus, make "demands". The "demands" are usually the most basic requests anyone in any loving relationship would already be experiencing.
I am definitely a DA. This is exactly how I operate. I'm so excited to learn more about this and grow and heal. Thank you for this information!
As an anxiously attached person, I have done all of these to my partner. I feel so embarrassed but thankful.
Idk if it’s me but i see a lot of hostility towards DAs/exes that were DAs in the comment section. Empathy for the DA. Those of us with AP/FA styles need to give as much understanding and patience towards DAs as we expect for ourselves, especially the more sensitive among us. Im not talking about forgiving abuse, manipulation, etc. I’m talking about taking responsibility and accountability for OUR part in the relationship we had with with our DA, and making sure we are being honest in that. Giving them as much compassion as we would want. They are not all monsters; we are all not victims. Love to DAs, to all attachment styles. Good luck to all
~recovering FA leaning AP
Thank you for your comment. I am FA strongly leaning DA and also AP. In some past relationships I was the FA/AP, and in some others, I had more of a DA behaviour. Is that possible? However my deepest core trigger is safety. For example, having been vulnerable had backfired on me so many times, or having been in a relationship with a partner who has an addiction make me feel emotionally unsafe. These situations have made me want to withdraw at a safe distance (unconscious survival mechanism) which is also painful and loaded with feelings of incompetence, shame and unworthiness. Doing a rigorous and honest work on ourselves for all attachment styles is necessary to understand and heal mechanisms and dynamics, so we can all see our inner dark side and be less judgmental of others.
Thank you! I agree with you. We aren't monsters and trust me when we see all the blame being cast at us or sure is hard to feel otherwise especially by all these negative comments. I feel like these people all missed the part about criticism and are justifying this behavior.
i’ve never been in a relationship (i’m 18) but i’ve learned i’m a DA and these comments are a bit hurtful. the whole reason i’ve been so scared of a relationship was bc i knew something was ‘wrong’ with me just by the way i acted around friends and family. i’ve been working on it now but sometimes i feel like i can never make things better. like maybe me telling myself i don’t deserve to be in a relationship is not just an irrational thought. i know i shouldn’t take these comments to heart but it really hurts and almost solidifies my belief that i could never have a healthy relationship with anyone.
@@ninabear444 my daughter is DA and the there has been no abuse just smothering from me, I'm ex Ap now secure, the truth is this, to be in a healthy relationship you need to change your attachment, the same thing I tell her and she's 13, I don't want my daughter going round hurting people especially since she has the ability to switch off and be cold, this is damaging to her and the other person. She's been working on it for a year and I see progress but I would never want her to go into a relationship unless she has healed, hurt people hurt people and I've been on the other side it's horrific. When someone ghosts you after a year of serious dating only to show up three months later, when they don't communicate, when they ignore you, create unnessasary distance. When they stone wall you, you blame yourself have anxiety every day, it's hard on your nervous and immune system, you wonder what's going on, this is the other side that you won't feel. It's bad news all round. Concentrate on changing your attachment, Thais courses will help then he in a relationship, things will change, if you don't do this, the truth is don't expect to be happy, I'm 49 and I'm older DA who don't change are not happy. Xx
@@Miriam-ul4ke i’m very happy you are working with your daughter to change! i am also working on it. i think i’m just trying to accept my past and current habits and it’s tough when you see people generalize so much. i have personally never ghosted a serious relationship or anything of the sort. and my communication skills aren’t that bad w friends and others outside my family, i just don’t want to test the waters by bringing in a committed relationship. but yes! i am in therapy which i’m very happy about and i constantly journal my emotions day to day to catch these subconscious thoughts that lead me to staying in this attachment style.
I’ve just come out of a relationship with a DA before I knew what a DA was. It was one of the hardest relationships I’ve been in. Everything you’ve said is so accurate. Thank you for the video.
I did all of these with my DA ex-wife. She left about four months ago after I had been in trauma therapy for 6 months to deal with my issues. She is completely unaware she has any trauma of her own, despite me pointing it out. There’s no talking to her anymore, but understanding this really helps me to move on. Thank you so much.
In denial she is
Just like mine
I’m in therapy to deal with those who should be in therapy 😔
@@YOU-niter Yeah I get both of you. I've just been traumatised for the last year, dealing with a DA who constantly traumatised me dumping his crap on me, excepting me to be there for him with zero notice at the drop of a hat, to meet his need for everything to be perfect for him, but as soon as I asked could he help me out, then he said no & inevitably triggered my emotional "why can't you just help me & be fair when I helped you?" it's not fair, trauma wound, then he just couldn't deal with me having emotions, hence him blaming me for triggering him for not helping me. Ok thanks. At least now I recognise his style & actually now he's blocked me I feel actually more calm knowing that at least I know what he's put me through for the last year.
@@YOU-niter and EVERYONE in therapy thinks that! Blaming fixes nothing and causes alot of resentment
@@liliaaaaaaaahow are currently coping?
@@erinsylv2098 I don't know really. The guy has been still seeing me on and off for the last two years toxic situationship style but it never goes anywhere, we argue we split up we see each other again. We both have saturn conjunct in our combined astrology chart, I wonder if that's why lol. How about you?
Me and my DA broke up in our first fight beginning of power struggle a little over a year. I knew his issues and I’m sure I could have done better. This was the third time he came back after a 2 short dating periods about 2 months. He committed within 2 weeks. Even “changed his FB status” told me he loved me after about 2 months. He acted more attached when I was around. But not around it was like out of sight out of mind. One time I asked him nicely “since we don’t see each other much. Can we just text each other goodmorning and goodnight. That would make me feel much better and validated. It lasted like 2 days and after I was the only one doing it for about a week I said “am I the only one doing this?” He responded “yeah, you make it like a chore and I makes me not want to do it” even when I communicated nicely and he didn’t want to. He was so cold about it!
As a DA, this sounds like torture. I despise daily good morning and good night text. It feels unnecessary and demanding.
@@janobia05yet if your partner says it makes them feel a certain type of way, why wouldn’t you just make the effort? How selfish are you that just because it’s not important to you, you dismiss your partner’s request for connection?….
Wow … single life and cats is calling me badly.. ugh 😣
Mine wouldn't even initiate a 'good night' or 'good morning' even when I was laying right next to her in bed!
For the skeptics, I never been to therapy, never read any books or videos about ANY of this relationship stuff but recently I was evaluating my own relationships and behavior over years, and I came to realize that I have the exact behavior she describes as DA.
It was a revelation I had and at first I thought maybe I was a “rare bird” then
I stumbled across these videos. It makes me feel better knowing that others have this same blind spot and it can be managed.
I referred to the issue as my blind spot, or behavior so intertwined with my own identity that I couldn’t see it.
If you know a DA be patient, It’s likely they don’t see the pattern and likely won’t be receptive to your criticisms or assessments because we tend to rely on our own judgement more than others. That’s being said, we don’t know, what we don’t know.
I’ll also say this, if your in a relationship with a DA and your working through it you will be rewarded with a level of intimacy that most relationships never enjoy because when a DA lets you in, you have a companion for life. One that will give as much as it receives.
Good luck!
😂😂😂
Thank you. Lovely words.
I don’t think anyone should stay with a DA unless this person is actively working on their issues.
My mental health was heavily damaged by my DA ex and I honestly don’t like these comments coming in here saying they fall into “DA” and that people need to just wait these problems out until their own DA decides to fix themselves… that’s not how it works. A lot of DAs are abusive.
If you got better that is great but there is a huge difference between someone taking care of their issues and someone completely ignoring them, and even disregarding the input of their partner or anyone else. That is an anti growth trait that is so destructive, you can’t help someone who behaves that way.
Please nobody is sticking around to be traumatized for the reward of ultimate intimacy that probably
Won’t look like ultimate intimacy to someone who is secure or even fearful avoidant. Dismissive Avoidants need to stick to being in relationships with their group of people because it’s not fair to be high maintenance in a relationship by requiring so much yet giving so little.
I loved my DA friend and had moments where I was let in, and they are a rare beautiful soul, a genuine treasure to truly know, but alas, trauma wins. I couldn’t do it anymore; I kept trying to earn that reward. I only felt secure when I did something right and ‘got rewarded’ by them, and I found that I kept trying to be rewarded. Because the reward never stays. I’m glad to know it can be possible. I wanted it to be for me. I wanted this person in my life, but it was not healthy for me, and was so confusing and destabilizing and stressful and frustrating. And I was really compassionate. 😢
Confusing as DA’s want stability and consistency but they don’t offer it. They don’t like criticism but they will focus on what’s wrong with you.
yep
Spot on
I'm an anxious avoidant who was recently involved with a dismissive avoidant. He was very inconsistent and Hella triggered me. I recently told him that I couldn't see him anymore, and I meant it. He blew me off when we had plans for the last time. It hurt me a lot... and it wasn't the first, second or third time. I won't give him any more chances to hurt me. He has a low tolerance for emotional volatility and criticism... but he sure as hell didn't care about how I felt. I don't hate him, but I am still very pissed off at him.
Do you even realize what you wrote? You told him you couldn't do it anymore but then felt blown off? He has low tolerance but he didn't care about how you felt? You can't have it both ways. You seem to understand the type he is but have no compassion and empathy for his triggers but expect him to have it for you. How do you expect that to work? I ask in all sincerity.
@@kristidin1983 uumm...i think you misunderstood her. she meant that him blowing her off that final time led her to end things with him. and correct, he has low tolerance for volatility, but did not care about her feelings or how he created that volatile dynamic within the relationship. there is nothing conflicting about that statement. i say this with no malice intended - reading without defensiveness leads to better comprehension.
Yes, DA’s are extremely sensitive and perceive almost everything as criticism bc of their core wound “I am defective.” However, they have no problem treating others however it suits them bc they are very self-centered and self-absorbed due to always trying to protect themselves. That’s the way they are wired.
@@kristidin1983 you misunderstood what she wrote
Dude totally fair. Like I want to extend compassion and I get the triggers. But its pretty hard to date someone when even the most gently put feedback is percieved as critisism. And worse when you need help with something or communicate your expectations are not being met they act like your the asshole. Idk. I want to care but some off these people need to realize thier selfish AF
I wish I had watched this a few months ago, watching has brought me to tears. I lost someone I love very deeply, and I realise now that I hit every single one of his triggers unintentionally. If only I could turn back time, I would approach things very differently.
its not your fault. its none of our faults. we cant be expected to know these things, we are not psychologists, just as they are not expected to know our attachment styles and bend over backwards to try and understand and accomodate us. you gave it your best shot. its ok. i understand what you mean. 🙏😔♥️
Honestly just nice seeing a compassionate comment. Reading all the other ones makes me feel worse about myself when I already feel terrible.
I just finished watching this video and thought exactly what you said. She broke up with me 1 month ago after a 7 month relationship and for a lot of it, we were really good. I know that I hit all of those triggers more than once, especially in the last 2 months. I am heartbroken all over again, because if I had looked this up earlier we would have still been together.
Avoidants will have triggers dealing with everyday life. They are responsible for recognizing and managing those triggers. Who wants to tiptoe around a DA and be responsible for making sure their escape feelings aren't activated?
I am struggling to understand how a DA struggles to receive criticism when they find it so easy to criticize their partner. I find that my former DA partner found it challenging to compliment me or validate me in anyway, but he had no problem criticizing me. If they don't like it why would it be well received by their partner?
YESSSSSS this!
They're so highly self-critical that they just project that onto the people they attach to romantically. So when they reject / invalidate their partner they're actually rejecting /invalidating themselves or parts of themselves that they suppress (emotions, warmth etc) because they historically felt unsafe to engage in. Or something. My secondary attachment style is DA and I tend to be fairly critical of myself and others too. But then, I am primarily secure and I can deal with and welcome constructive criticism as an opportunity for growth. I guess it's more difficult when someone takes all forms of criticism not as an invitation to do better but as a precursor of rejection.
@@melw3313 I would say DAs and narcissists share the same core wounds, but DAs become self-reliant for their needs, narcs are empty and need to get their needs met by manipulating others.
Yesssssss this right here
This comment hit me too hard jfc. I felt strongly like that towards my ex. Working on it now tho
What drives me CRAZY about DA is that yes they misunderstand a lot and there is a lot of miscommunication but like when I try to explain THEY DON'T LISTEN. They are stubborn.
We hear you. Try a different style. As a DA how my wife felt meant the world to me. Her being an AP in my opinion had her ruminating on all I wasn't doing rather than what I was doing. It hurt to be honest. I didn't feel seen or that I mattered.
@@kristidin1983 Any advices? She needs space or just leaves without saying a word, what should I do?
I’m barely noticing this attachments. I had no idea this was a thing.
What should I do? Please help
@@LaLoK955 give her space. Let her know you understand she may be feeling overwhelmed and you understand that taking space can be good for both of you. Ask her if she feels she may be able to come back to the conversation within the next day or so so you two can both be heard and maybe come to some resolve?
That's how I'd begin. She may not even recognize what she is feeling. You don't want to tell her how she is feeling either. Rather explain you are attempting to be understanding of her needs in the moment. However you do still have a need to be heard. Which is fair.
I would also look into co regulation. I hope you can find safety and peace between you both.
@@kristidin1983 it’s frustrating :(
Because I want to be w her or talk to her):
I’m just going to wait I guess
If she replies to me, do I answer back or wait a little? It’s confusing lol
@@LaLoK955 I honestly cannot answer this for you. Playing games isn't going to help though. I don't know enough of what is going on. Continue to watch these videos. Learn about yourself. You can only heal you. Looking to diagnose someone else won't get you anywhere. Your focus and healing must be on yourself. Be that change you wish to see.
This is my wife to a T. I've learned all this since I've gone back to college to become a therapist. I learned that my attachment style was anxious type. I'm working on myself and this has caused my wife to start a change in herself. It's a little slower than mine but I can see the difference in her. I still need work on not trying to change who she is because that will be her journey. I've just taking up more hobbies like yoga, working out more and connecting with other people instead of her being my whole focus in life.
The sum total of all I have listened to with regards to avoidants is that basically, we are late in the day parental remodelling. Every point is what a good parent works through with their child.
I’m a DA.. this short series has given me so much insight into why I’m triggered the way that I’m triggered and why my belief system is set up the way it is. I feel that you are saving my life and thank you.
I am a DA and I can confirm that all these 5-6 points are ACCURATE.!!
I previously commented on how it was overwhelming to deal with my DA partner. It has been… but I have realized in the last 2 months it’s not his fault he was a DA, I have a perspective of more understand & empathy now for his traumas that created these characteristics. It’s now my decision whether to have even more patience to help him with healing. And he is worth it , so I shall. Thanks for the great content!
Irony is that when you show more empathy and try to be understanding and caring thats when their biggest fears comes up.. they are scared of being loved and they subconsciously believe they are unlovable. So its a lose lose situation.. there is no saving the DA. Even if you try to be rational and try to be less emotional when bringing their toxic behaviors upon their attention, they will take that as a personal attack. So i guess we should move on.. Even though we love them deeply, it’s quite difficult to have a long term/ happy/ fulfilling relationship with an adult child and its not our job to reparent them.
@@uchithahettiarachchi8304 “there’s no saving the DA” is false. that would be implying the human brain isn’t permeable and can’t be reprogrammed. I would say the person, like anything, has to want it and do the work. You can’t do the work for anyone and you can’t want it more than them for it to work. Also, being that fear is the underlying cause of DAs behavior is another indicator they can change. Survival mode tactics can be reprimanded.
Some parts of your comment was true though, one of DAs core beliefs is that they’re unlovable and have some childlike behaviors.
@@MochaRose990
Yes, fear can be changed through gradual exposure to the fear.
Fear can be overcome eg. fear of spiders, heights, elevators.
Although, many of these fears do need therapeutic intervention.
Unless one takes it upon himself to confront the fear and find that the feared object / situation is actually "safe"
@@warmhart2034 I agree
@@uchithahettiarachchi8304 what aload of crap, Just dont date one
I've been in a relationship with a DA for a # of years. Good person but emotionally unavailable. They are all in or not there. I feel like a light switch going on and off. Why should I continue to ride the roller coaster? Yes, they had trauma as a child but when is it time to get over it? I came from loving parents. Sure, every family goes thru issues but if they want to be high maintenance with no strings attached, then let them. I just don't need it in my life. You can buy me all kinds of things but in the end, all I want is real emotional caring. I can fend for myself but I want a partner who puts skin in the game and doesn't go dark until they feel like bursting onto the scene like nothing happened. I'm glad they worked it out but this time, my light switch didn't go on. That's on the DA! I tried! Over and over.
Sounds like my DM. Money isn't love and time.
Everything you've said here is so true, looking a back I could feel those highs and lows but I kept suppressing my emotions when they were telling me things were not okay. That reinforcement of the dysfunctional cycle, the DA will meet your needs every few times and your body gets addicted to that good feeling of connection and then shortly after it's back to feeling disconnected and you're back to chasing that feeling again. Going no contact is also good for getting rid of the emotions and hormones you've become kind of addicted to. I think also not mentioning your intention to break things off is great to bring some clarity and obviously doing work around your own self abandonment becasue we get so hooked up on those cycles mainly because we are self abandoning as the anxiously leaning partner in the relationship with an avoidant. Dealing with codependency is very important
That was rly helpful what you said about not pushing a DA to open up more, but just respecting their boundaries and leading by example. As an FA who leans DA, especially in friendships, I can totally see how that approach can and has helped me feel a lot more safe to express than any other.
And people wonder why we hate the education system. Some of the most crucial information relates to social stability never even mentioned in childhood or high school.
I lost my best friend to this dynamic and became the worst version of myself due to communication issues. Life is is a harsh teacher.
Please do follow up with how to deal with these triggers.
I identify as DA and I feel very validated and Heard- watching this video, thank you 🙏🏼
I’m an anxiously attached person and this made me realize I’ve been constantly triggering my partner. His avoidant behavior also is triggering to me though. I’ve been trying to work on it for a month or so but damn I feel awful :(
That is a crazy pairing, there are many articles & videos about avoidant/anxious.
As a DA, I have done them, but it is just exhausting. If the sex is good, it may last longer, but both are feeling awful
@@mjbuchanan1961 agreed it’s a toxic dynamic. Has never worked for me and in the end you end up sacrificing your needs and are the only one trying to understand and really work on the relationship. Not worth it. Best to find someone secure or at a minimum someone who has the same needs naturally
This is exactly my story. I had to separate from my husband of 3 decades after l realized through therapy that we were triggering each other. It was crazy making trauma! It doesn’t change!
This was extremely insightful, thankful for this information. I have disorganized, fearful- avoidant attachment in romantic relationships only. I'm usually matched up with dismissive attachment styles, or disorganized as myself 😔 Ironically, friendships are pretty secure or slowly fade out in which I don't care but with romantic relationships it's a whole different story. It's so sad, heart breaking looking back on the past, seeing all of the trauma bonding from a different perspective 🥺 I feel incredibly sorry for both my exes and the traumatized part of myself.
I'm single for a year because I'm still healing and understanding myself. A year is a long time for me. I am crying as I type this, I wish I understood more at the time...
Thank you for another insightful video Thais. Working on my 5h course in the school. The more work I do, the more I realize how sensitive my DA part is and how emotionally, this area needs the most love and compassion. Sometimes I feel like my FA side is subconsciously the protector of my DA self. Do the work, do the classes, every little bit helps. :) Big shout out to all the FA's and DA's doing the work. So proud of us for showing up for ourselves!
Personally, mentioning breaking up is my biggest trigger. Especially if it's brought up in a lot of arguments. At first, I will convince my partner that I don't want to and that we shouldn't. But if it's brought up consistently, I will eventually get to the point to where I will. It's then the other person's job to convince me that they didn't mean it and it takes a lot of convincing. Even after that, it takes a lot of time for me to be truly convinced. The argument could've been weeks ago but I might still be trying to figure out if they really meant it. Mentioning breaking up just to get a reaction is the quickest way to make a DA leave even if they love you.
And as far as criticism goes, I am truly my worst critic. But when someone else starts criticizing me, I will criticize them back kind of in a way to discredit their opinion of me or my behavior. It's kind of like "you're one to talk" it's used in a defensive manner so that I don't get torn down by it. I still do but in the moment, their criticism doesn't soak all the way in. I'm not defending it because I know it's unhealthy and I'm working on it. But it took me a long time to put it into words and I hope this helps someone else by knowing they aren't alone. And sometimes if I can pinpoint why I really do something, it really helps me work on that behavior a little better.
yes! same. But disrespect is a permanent dealbreaker for me, I dont care who they are.
I have also experienced that DAs get alot of criticism, I turn that mirror around too and suddenly, I'm not so bad. I suppose it could be a bid for attention, but it damages anyway.
Who the hell wants to spend their days listening to criticism? NO ONE
Thank you for sharing. Your comments were very helpful to me and give me hope. 😊 I'm FA with a DA. Doing the work is emotional and uncomfortable for both of us and he's more resistant to it than I am which leaves me feeling like he doesn't care as much sometimes... then I read your post and I understand him a little more. He may be doing the work slower than I am but hes still doing it and that's huge. This is so hard for both of us, but I think its worth it. Thanks again.
DAs actually mention questioning the relationship constantly I find in several I was with yet they don’t leave and it destroys trust and security in the relationship. Every time we’d get close they’d start with this behavior. Also if they don’t want to be criticized then they should give the bare minimum in a relationship. Sadly many come on acting like they want the same as you and once you let your guard down you are getting less and less, being breadcrumbed and having to beg for the bare minimum. Not good. They cause it with their behavior. Someone secure just leaves. Now that im more secure this last several years than I used to be I try to understand where it’s coming from and give a few chances but the moment I feel it’s not changing or getting worse and I feel like im begging for the bare minimum im out. Secure people don’t put up with that stuff. I find most of their relationships don’t last at all. They are very self sabotaging and people get tired of it and leave.
The person I’m interested in is a fearful avoidant and I can tell he deeply cares about me but doesn’t vocalise it. The issue is making sure he has plenty of space for himself but also my detachment of the outcome and not “chasing him” or messaging him constantly seems to maybe give him the idea I don’t want him or he’s not good enough which is far from the case 😢 I love him (we’re working on friendship), FA warts and all, but I don’t know what an autistic FA wants that’s healthy for both of us but shows him I care and I’m not going anywhere. I’m consistent but it feels like it’s not enough 😢
Volatility = can't handle any conflict or the truth
Criticism = can't handle any conversations because they are so fragile
Expectations = can't handle any relationship responsibilities
Pressure to open up= lack awareness / emotional intelligence
Not feeling acknowledged = Not being present in the relationship. That's interesting because I am a ex DA partner and I felt very unacknowledged considering the list of issues/drama my DA's brought to the relationship.
My advise is to RUN because Dismissive Avoidants need to grow up!
Absolutely 💯
Amen
I would love to see a follow up "DOs" video for DAs. My partner is 100% DA and I have a hard time communicating my needs to him without him closing up.
Run... You'll be miserable.
He is listening and will reflect on it later in his own time and realise he needs to attempt the extra effort. That’s what I do and this is me
@@jessicaamy6711 thank you for sharing that personal perspective.
@@jessicaamy6711
How can I word it when communicating needs that will not trigger DA?
Eg .I'd like to see you more often.
Your insight would be helpful. Thank you🙏😊
@@warmhart2034 I found this, hope it helps. blessings to you -
th-cam.com/video/xu9mQ6mtfcU/w-d-xo.html
Kudos: the transitions in and out of marketing feel more natural and seamless!
I’m in copywriting and AGREED!
Wow you know me so well. I didn’t even know I was dismissive avoidant. This is spot on.
Volatility / Criticism / Expectations / Pressure to Open Up or Be Vulnerable
Not Feeling Acknowledged / Violated Boundaries
My partner is a DA and you absolutely nailed it. What is interesting about my guy is that his childhood was completely normal and his mom and dad were loving and didn’t smother or intrude on him and were very consistent and stable. So why he developed this attachment style is a mystery yet to be solved. But you definitely nailed it. He displays every single characteristic you listed in detail. Amazing.
@@marcd2743 the only thing we can figure is that he was a military brat and moved almost every year. His dad was officer and was rarely home. But when he was home he was kind and attentive. Went to sports events, etc. They had no corporal punishment. I know his mom, she is angelic. Sweet. Good natured. Respectful and respected. All her kids love her. Don’t fear her. No conditional love or guilt heaped on them over anything. She is a sweetheart. I do know that my husband, being the oldest of 4 and the only male, was very attuned to his mom’s feelings. So this could also be a factor. He gets flooded VERY easily. Like immediately. And when this happens he shuts down like a stalled car. I have decided to make this work. He has a heart of good. My frustration with him is largely that I am anxious attachment style so I am working on becoming healthier myself. He isn’t interested in digging into his stuff. Like most DA’s, he is obsessed with work. Keeps him from emotional stuff. So he claims he has no time for this stuff. The main problem is that no conflict is small with him. And no conflict can ever be resolved. Ever. So I have to let it go or work around it. If I were 43 instead of 63 I would probably make a different choice for my sanity. But at my age, I don’t want to start over. So I work on me since he doesn’t want to deal with this stuff. And I focus on the positive.
Was he emotionally neglected? Even if parents are physically there they may not emotionally connect with their kids. Or there could be absent parents both working long hours too.
@@Renee933 Mine was a preemie of an 18 yr old mom and dad was a stoic marine with ASD. Bickered constantly and he said he could hear it. now has misophonia and ASD. hes also an INTJ
The book Attached describes how attachment styles don’t have just one source. Sometime it’s genetic, others childhood experiencess, childhood wounds and/or previous relationships. It can be one of this or all of them or a combination of a couple. I named a few, the book goes more in depth about it😊
@@Renee933its possible hes normal and your the one demanding a level of reassurance nobody can provide
Poor DAs... unless you're an inanimate robot it's impossible not to trigger them
True.
Don’t waste your time sis.
That isn't true at all as a DA myself. For myself ultimately we want to be very pleasing and loving to our partners. We just have our own hurts just like anyone else. Anxious and FA's have bigger issues in my opinion because they want everyone else to fix life for them. We DA's are independent but we aren't void.
😂😂😂haha no ,if you compliment or value them they might reciprocate
@@kristidin1983 Factually speaking, dismissive avoidant is the most difficult attachment style to correct.
you perfectly explained my way of acting omg thats why i'm single. recently a guy i know from a while was pressuring me to fo more to be more serious he want to be with me. i dont feel in love and i really hate to open up with anyone it only hurt. soo i said goodbye now i am really sad bout it i value him as a person and as a friend but i am not in love even if i was trying i dont know what to do because at the same time i dont want to be alone
You give the BEST in depth explanations of Fearful Avoidants. Thank you for your insight. 💜
I have stumbled into your video after another video. I believe I’m a DA. I don’t get myself in relationships or stay in them.
Woww, I am so happy to have found this information, I actually realize how strong I really am to have lived and manage to function with all of this for all these years.
This was so painfully incisive. Thank you!
I am a DA.
This is helpful.
I agree that stability has helped improve my self-esteem & now I'm improving with vulnerability. Thanks for sharing this information.
Thank you for this video! My best friend is DA and this was very helpful in understanding how to best support him. He was my boyfriend and we have moved to just being friends bc he gets overwhelmed with too much emotion. I love him to pieces and I want to show him what a real friend is. ❤
Great info and video, Thais! I took notes to refer back to. As an AP/FA dating a DA for the past 2 years, and having had an 18-year relationship with a DA prior to that, who is still my best friend to this day, I'd say your insights are spot-on! And so very helpful to me to hear, as I am prone to volatility, high expectations, and a strong desire for more openness and vulnerability. (for MBTI lovers, I am an INFP, who seems to have a type, the ISTP.) Your video helps remind me to go low-pressure and low-criticism, and high-stability as much as possible when relating to my DA. Thank you for all your great content--you come across as a truly empathetic person!
AP/INFP here and also in a relationship with a DA/ISTP since 2 years :D it can be really discouraging at times - _ -
I understand that da's have core wounds, and it's obvious that it their attachment style is not bad or wrong. My question is, what if this attachment style continues leaving me feeling that my needs are ignored and unfulfilled?
if your person doesn't want to work on things or improve and it's hurting you... then you should think about moving on - from a DA. Anyone and any attachment style can lack the insight to change.. anyone.
Then stop dating folks with that attachment style. Is it that hard? Date an AP, FA or secure. If it’s doing you that much harm.
Then you leave. Some are simply unwilling or incapable and refuse to show up.
In my experience, Whit AD you need to strongly verbally express you needs, and tell that you well being and happiness depends on these thing's. Hard thing with AD that they take feedback slowly(needs repetition and loving) but setting clear rules, needs borders seems to work(my experience) . most likely you partner is not showing that love and care toward you because partners is scared to open and become vulnerable to depend on you. Misbehavior(stupid ctitism, anger etc) can be fixed by setting clear borders and absolutely holding them (tough borders need to be good, minimalistic and sensible). DA lack of interest towards you need DA to start dealing with issues. Abroach issues from perspective that you have needs that absolute need to be filled or you can't be happy, and one of them is that you want him honestly love you and that fear of love is in way. That what I would try. I hope this is any use (my dad is DA and they made it work)
Dump them. They are awful
Run! DA’s are impossible to have a normal, healthy & happy relationship with.
I see this in my DA and tried to honor and work not to "trigger" him. However him cheating created a lot of these triggers on his own. So they need to also do their part when the partner is REALLY trying and trying to be there for them despite their DA ways.
This is so helpful understanding what seemed like insane bizarre behavior at the ending of my relationship with my DA ex. Grateful
Hi Thais I truly love your videos and you are so talented. I wish you would emphasize more frequently that the DA must be a 100% willing all-in participant to try to change themselves. Although these videos initially led me to find your work, I’m now more interested in how to recognize my own triggers and how to level up my own mental health and quality as a partner.
Can you talk to my baby mama? Lol
I’m so happy I ran across this, learning so much about myself
I’d like follow up info on how to repair damage once the DA has already been triggered by either being infringed upon their space, volatility or criticism.
Me too! Mine is ghosting me right now because I triggered him.
@@kathleenburns4850 ghosting in what way?
@@adoptioncorner1984 well…he is in prison. He can call out, but I cannot call in. At the time this was written he stopped calling and did not answer my letters. It lasted two months. Then he sent a letter saying that he was feeling down so he couldn’t call or write. He said this happens to him sometimes. He resumed calling as though nothing happened. We never spoke of it again.
Damn. I did all of these with the last guy I fell in love with. I started reading about attachment styles after things between us went to shit. I'm a primarily FA, AP and DA coming up as 2nd and 3rd. From his behaviours, I see that he's a veeeery creal DA. Best intentions, very warm, but concious mind wants one thing, but the unconcious is running the game. This makes so much sense, and I totally understand why things happened the way they did for us. This is powerful.
I can tell my DA wants so much to be loved and accepted. As a FA, his reclusive behavior after we've made leaps and bounds of growth is extremely triggering and painful. We've reached a tipping point in our relationship and have sought out couples therapy. He says I'm the only person he's ever let get this close to him and he values me so much, so we shall see how much he gives to the internal work that's needed in order to meet my needs. I am already in individual therapy and now that I have discovered I have FA attachment, I feel so much more hopeful that I can achieve healing and not be hijacked by my childhood wounds. I love people so deeply, but become extremely sullen and heartbroken when I'm not loved back in the way I need. 💔 no more sabotage for me. I want to live a consistent, healthy life and experience true emotional intimacy.
I really relate to what you’ve shared. My DA has told me the exact same thing. I also feel triggered when after an extended period of improved relating and more equal effort he slips away. My hopes for myself and my progress are very similar to yours. Best of luck 🤞
Thank for your comment. I really thought I was alone and I was never going to be able to find the words to convey how I have felt for years and years with my husband and you said it so perfectly.
Really thank you for sharing.
This is really accurate and I wish my ex knew about attachment styles because he would have understood me more. I wish i knew about this sooner
Thais, you are a gift for humanity! :)
When does a secure decide that the "juice is just not worth the squeeze" when dating a "dismissive avoidant?"
This really opened my eyes and hit home in regards to how to deal with communication issues.
When I saw the comment section, it's confirm more and more that I'll be single forever as a DA. Not many people have the patience and time to deal with us. It's take take to heal and change.
I hope I'm gonna be better in the future, and found someone who'll have the patience for that.
Revelations 21:5-6
⁵And the One seated on the throne said: “Look! I am making all things new.” Also he says: “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” ⁶And he said to me: “They have come to pass! I am the Alʹpha and the O·meʹga, the beginning and the end. To anyone thirsting I will give from the spring of the water of life free.
Have faith my child. The true king will return very soon❤
I’ll never understand how DAs crave security and safety yet their coldness and ability to just shut down causes that safety to be dismantled with their rubbish communication.
And yet there's the criticism... and you wonder why?
@@kristidin1983 and yet there's the defesiveness...
Defensiveness does not come before the criticism and if you cannot see cause and effect you'll never truly be res for yourself. As DA'S we have to learn to not be reactive but that stems from years of not being seen or heard. It's a matter of compassion and that's a choice.
@@Alphacentauri819 I did not blame defensiveness on the other person at all. What I'm saying is criticizing someone else does not help someone with these triggers. Criticism so rarely is an effective way to communicate to anyone. Not just DA's. I understand now certain things trigger me which I didn't understand before. Regardless it's not ok to effectively communicate with criticism and to think someone might not get defensive. That's absurd. This post is about pointing fingers rather than practicing empathy and compassion for another out of one's own defensiveness. It's about not acknowledging your own triggers. I'm not blaming someone else for my defensiveness in the past or future but criticism doesn't help in the long run. It's about learning how to communicate effectively. Period.
and there’s this ignorance. DAs have went thru trauma to feel the way they do. understand that and humble yourself. I hope that you comfort your friends better than what I’m reading, and if you’re not, your friends/relationships definitely deserve better.
DA here. Everything you say is spot on. I wish people knew all these.
AND WE WISH DAS KNEW ALL THIS SO U CAN WORK ON YOURSELVES TOO AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS AND HURTING PEOPLE BY MAKING US FEEL AS REJECTED AND NOT ENOUGH AS U FEEL INSIDE WHEN WE TRY TO LOVE AND VALUE YOU.......GET HELP AND GET CLOSER TO GOD.
@@CristianaCatólica lmao we need to get to know each other where can I add you ?
Good luck and cheers, ignore ppl what pain DA as devils. You can have good relationship and life. Just find healthy person to be with and let yourself love and be open with him. At early point tell him that you have DA and with honesty things will eventually work. Not necessary with first partner but eventually. And honestly if you do more good to other in his love language than negatives in his perspective, then person will be happy.
@@CristianaCatólica she is not the person who hurt you. Be bit more compassionate, as she is trying really not do those thing you mentioned. Something like "you can grow out of it, we believe in you, and becarefull on others" would be more constructive response.
@@extended_e They gotta learn 😤
trying to know how I’m gonna ask my da friend for validation without triggering her...it’s bullshit I know no matter what I’ll say she’ll get cold and stonewall me...and I’m ready for it I DON’T CARE ANYMORE! let’s do it right or end it I’m choosing myself now and forever do this guys if they don’t meet your needs just leave them you won’t die I promise🙂👍🏻
I ended the friendship. 🥲 I have no ill feelings towards them. I know they were doing their best, though unfortunately their best…left me overworked, second guessing, doubting, having to read minds, unfulfilled, unhappy, anxious, stressed, confused, the list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me could translate their actions (and inactions) and know not to take anything personally. I felt very skilled for awhile, and proud of myself for understanding them. (Cuz they were very very traumatized all their life, such horrors and pain they’ve been through, unspeakable). Yet I had to understand I was on my own healing journey, too, barely started recovery, and with them it was too much work. Too much hurt. And in desperate attempts I tried to nudge a little to make the friendship feel more two way than one way, but of course it would trigger them to shut down and be dismissive, and I’m really sure they just have no idea what their side looks and feels like to me. Their whole life they were seen as an object, a thing, as invisible, not a person with a consciousness and emotions, so they literally don’t know how to be a person to others. The friend I broke up with was so good hearted, and wanted to do minimum harm on the planet. They would be torn up if they really knew how they made me feel, even if it wasn’t on purpose (or so I hope. Sometimes I didn’t know, but that’s a whole other thing. I’m sure most of the time they were just blindly unaware). I don’t think they’re a bad person. I just think the relationship was bad for me, despite all its good.
Understanding why DAs are triggered (as well as the rest of their colorful cache of super-fun protest and deactivating behaviors) changes nothing about how I experience them. And at this point, my experience is the only thing I care about. Blessings to the rare, unicorn DAs who are actually interested in doing the work on themselves to heal this stuff, but I'm no longer available to be a partner for these types to work out said stuff.
Good because I've certainly no interest in someone who can't mind their own business and feels entitled to look at my emotional goolie bits.
Thank you Thais and PDS!!! For giving us help we can understand
You're super welcome Taylor!
-PDS team member
What I am learning from your videos is that avoidant people are just a burden to deal with and they require too much accomodations which they also think it's your responsibility to deal with. No thanks if you can't communicate your needs and vulnerabilities then I'm not gonna play a guessing game. I have my own issues to work with.
Let me simplify this for you. Envision the (your) DA as a 6 year old boy or girl. Try to get them to do anything you need as your romantic partner in your relationship. Observe the results. There is your answer. They are incapable and that is why. I can't imagine how long or how intensive the therapy would have to be for them to resemble an adult partner in an adult relationship as a significant other
Sometimes it feels impossible to deal with my DA. Just speaking to them about things is a minefield. Nothing seems to work. He wants to be around, but not in a meaningful way. He wants a relationship, but not at the same time. There is so much to love with him, but yet it feels like he doesn't want to meet any of my needs. Ugh...
This was really good. I'm starting to think. I'm fearful avoidant/DA but I fluctuate between all core wounds of all attachment styles which is rough. Depends on the person I'm dating of course.
Your expertise really shines through in these videos!
The feeling acknowledged part…this actually triggered my DA to get angry and annoyed with me and then shut down. I was just trying to show appreciation for him and all hell broke loose.
Yes I’d just want to spend more time with him bc I cared and missed him (we only saw each other once a week and for a few hours due to distance) and he took it as a criticism. It was ridiculous. Like you should worship the little you get. Id try to say things like “I’d love to see you more if we could maybe figure something out”, he’d agree and do nothing then I’d get to the point I was pissed like I shouldn’t have to “ask” to see someone or for them to care. That was it for me. I left. Not going to coddle people who could care less about how I’m feeling
Omg THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH i love this woman but she keeps saying things from this exact list
Yes, would love a follow up video on knowing what to do and say! I notice he comes back, we talk for a couple of days, and then he pulls away again. Very confused on wether I should reach out or what to do as to not trigger them.
Same!
Any update? Same thing is happening to me
My clearly FA partner is currently having space to herself. A wise friend of mine said I need to be like a horse whisperer - which is really being a horse listener.
He said to really imagine her as a wild horse who is very easily scared. If I want that horse to come back, I can't go chasing after her because she'll bolt into the distance. I have to wait for her to appear and nuzzle up to me, and even then barely respond until the 5th or 6th nuzzle, so she can feel safe to come closer knowing that nothing bad happened before. Pretty much to ignore her and carry on doing whatever I was already doing until she actually tries to get my attention.
But come back she does!
It makes a lot of sense - my partner is an incredibly intuitive horsewoman who speaks great horse and relatively few human words!
Ah but I love her - an absolute heart of gold under all that old pain and trauma!
"Nonverbal, steady reassurance with no sudden moves or reasoning" says my wise friend.
@@muteqx funny to read this right now, as I was just thinking about this exact same concept earlier today.
It's like a confirmation to me, that it's the next thing to try, with a guy who is slowly now, coming back around-- 'eyeing the corral', as it were, remembering there were good times there, and wondering if it's 'safe' for him, yet/again.
Of course, I'm thrilled and want to run out and meet him!-- but I know that may make him run again! That's why I'm now watching videos like this.
Some comments have been REALLY helpful and insightful, too-- like yours!
Thanks for taking the time to share that, I think it may help me to help someone who needs help...the way HE needs it.😌🙏
🐎💕
@@WhiskyGravy good luck! My partner stayed broken up with me this time and it's been really hard but is probably for the best. I miss her. Today would have been our 4th anniversary. Oh well. There are definitely a lot of lovely people in the world so I'm not as destroyed as I was a few months ago.
I hope your situation works out! 🙏
What happens when a dismissive avoidant is actually more critical or is the one triggering volatility in their partner? In my mind that erodes the relationship because their partner will avoid being triggered by putting distance between them and the avoidant partner.
Wow! Spot on! I triggered all 5 in the DA I was living with (unknowingly)
Every video of yours about DA (I watched almost ALL!) is like a portrait of my ex..It's scary how much ones responses fall into a pattern and such a shame that they are not willing to watch your videos, they would be so helped. But I guess you can access help only if you really seek it.
Just learning about all this attachment style stuff and unfortunately I feel like I fall into the DA category, which according to some of the comments im reading here and on other videos means im just a complete asshole. My parents were hardly ever avaliable and every relationship I've been in they pretty much wanted me to do whatever they wanted and not have an opinion of my own and have had to fend for myself in terms of support so I feel like I kinda developed it honest enough? Not that thats an excuse, just looking back its kind of like "yeah, that makes sense." But I truly love people and crave that connection on a deeper level. I despise superficial friendships and seek out honest and compassionate people. My fiance and I DO communicate very effectively 90% of the time. She's really brought me out of my shell but certain situations still shut me down.These videos are incredibly helpful and hopefully her and I can continue to grow together.
Share this video with her
You will do fine. You are an honest and loving person❤ remember that even Jesus needed to distance him self from his loved ones a lot ❤️
Luke 4:42
When day came, Jesus left and went to a secluded place; and the crowds were searching for Him, and came to Him and tried to keep Him from going away from them.
Interesting.. Under the problems DA's must be awesome.. It seems like their issues are damaging to their partners and not worth it but I see so many videos about how to understand DA's and how to get them back after they leave
Thank you great examples! I recognize many of these in both of my parents, leads to a lack of a sense of self.
2:38 is SPOT ON. These videos are saving me after breaking up with a DA
I married and have had to coparent with a DA man for the last 30 years. The marriage was miserable - like living with a robot. That’s on me and not knowing myself and my own crap…..
Having said that, DA’s make HORRIBLE parents. My children are in constant pain from the hot cold cycle of his parenting- usually siding with a new wife or gf - then the volatility of his relationships (he has attracted one with high narcissistic traits this time and it is a nightmare) to his excessive workaholism, inconsistent follow up or basic lack of emotional connection. IT IS AWFUL TO WATCH.
If you are dating a DA you are in for a rough ride. Think about your future and the future of your children and be prepared to live in an extremely lonely marriage.
I learnt to ignore him and put my needs first …. I have to take care of my own safety regarding money and other topics …. He is the last on my list as he deserves that spot !!!! 😎
Wow. Just leave him then. It's ok to care for yourself but it's clear you have no respect for him. Let him go rather than making him pay.
@@kristidin1983 …. Well … I have no respect for a covert manipulative “man” …. or other “ men” or “women”that use the same techniques!!! He is a SADISTIC “ person” as well ….. sorry but not sorry !
Then leave. It's really that simple.
my ex fits the DA profile, I am willing to do the work to help rebuild but he is rly closed off. I feel rly discouraged when I try to show up for him and he pushes me away. I wish I knew
what to say to help us both be open to at least try.
everyone is a reflection of you, change yourself and the exterior reality will reflect that! Focus on yourself, if you are feeling discouraged it's bc you are still focusing outside, focus on feeling secure, safe within yourself :)
@@anamacklis2355 agreed! Be the change you wish to see in others.
@@kristidin1983
I am here because my sister pointed out that i might be dismissive avoidant ... listening to this i finally understand why i am the way i am... i wish i could explain this to my partner and i also pray that i can work on myself to get better 🤞
As someone with an FA style, as much as I completely understand the criticisms of DA, it seems that it's extremely villanized, whereas an anxious attachment is always framed as the victim, when there's a lot of harm those with an anxious attachment can do, and there are a lot of valid criticisms. At the end of the day, those with an anxious attachment style may appear more selfless, but the behaivor is coming from internal wounds all the same. Even then, those with an anxious attachment style can be quite selfish and greedy as well, likely to be serving their own need for validation.
Love this video! Very accurate description and great explanation!
@@stoutpig I totally agree! The people inside the school are wonderful and have been really supportive towards me. Some TH-cam people here only focus on bashing.
@@stoutpig I am glad that has been your experience! Yes I completely agree with you. I would say we all are just acting from our core wounds and it’s important to have compassion for all attachment styles.
@@stoutpig as a DA myself I thank you for your comments. 🙏
I have been a victim of DM partner atrocities. i ruined my 6 fucking years trying to fix a broken man who was fucked up. never ever go to them for reconciliation. they are narcissist.my partner was abused by his parents, n was constantly performing for them for positive reinforcement by keeping his sanity, health, studies and finances at stake.when i used to question him that why he is doing that when he can clearly see his parents are abusing him.he said doing things for his exploitative family gives him satisfaction. the dynamics are quite funny.his family was emotionally, physically , financially abusing him and he couldnt see that and he was emotionally physically and financially abusing me and he couldnt acknowledge that either. my ex was a victim and perpetrator of emotional abuse. i dont know if i should feel pity for him or get angry on him.loss of identity, self worth, broken dreams, betrayal he will never understand what damage he caused me. the last time when we talked i said u hurt me..n he was surprised and said...i did not hurt anyone..i dont hurt people..this is how delusional DA are..no point in explaining or trying.
How to deal with a DA ?!? They throw things in my face they know hurt me, nit pick about the most minor things and then when I suggest they level up, I get ghosting. They don’t realize I am their mirror and they won’t look at their issues/part in it. Too much blame put onto me and no accountability on their part. And lack of communication when they are upset. I am very accountable for my actions and behaviour, but if they don’t communicate, it’s very difficult.
So basically….. Your partner wanting and expecting totally *normal* , common sense things that come with being in a relationship with someone are their triggers… Again I remind myself: Don’t EVER date another dismissive avoidant, it’s just not doable for me 🤷🏻♀️.
@David S. Exactly. It’s sad cuz when you really like someone like this you want to try to “fix” them, but some people are broken no matter how badly you love them. They just won’t or can’t change.
Not all of us are irreparable at all. We wouldn't be here learning about ourselves just like you otherwise. Maybe look a little deeper into the criticism thing...
@@kristidin1983 Well if somebody’s willing to change and is doing the hard work to do so that’s different. I’m sure someone like you who’s doing the internal work could have a good relationship one day... But me personally, I have my own issues (as a fearful avoidant) that I’m struggling to overcome; so putting me together with a dismissive avoidant is a legit nightmare lol, that’s why I have to stay far, far away from dismissives.
Exactly. Bc they don’t know what normalcy looks or feels like (from childhood). They also don’t trust it, so they think it’s fake. They’ll start to sabotage internally bc they don’t think they deserve it, or bc it feels so foreign.
@@mybiggrin And see I totally get that. I’m actually an “anxious avoidant” myself (so like a cross between the two spectrums). So I totally understand wanting to run at every turn. But at least I can connect intensely with others, I just run hot and cold…But dealing with dismissive avoidants is a whole other animal. It’s like they barely connect at all and seem so closed off and cold even. I get that it stems from childhood trauma on their end, but for someone like me (who has attachment issues myself) I just couldn’t deal with it lol. It felt like being in a relationship, alone.
I know I'm a bit late but I really appreciate your videos. It has been helping me understand myself over time 💕 however, I was wondering if you can post a video on how to deal with the triggers, thaaankk you ✨
THEY want consistency and predictability? OMG, Too bad they can't see the irony.