Dismissive avoidant people want the security of a relationship without the intimacy. Intimacy requires vulnerability. If we need to always be in control and avoid being vulnerable with our partners then we miss out on the joy that closeness and intimacy can bring. Fear of intimacy is the predominant subconscious pattern with DAs in close relationships.
I am like this but I never saw it as missing out. I have no desire to be emotionally intimate with someone. Maybe it's because it was voided in my household and my first real bf was emotionally abusive. But I actually see ppl in love as weak. It may abnormal to a lot but this is normal to me.
@@CatEyedGoddess Hi. Your point interests me as a secure attacher. I understand how your past would shape your beliefs this way but I would ask you to consider this from a purely logical standpoint. From that place, would you agree that sharing who you really are with someone involves taking a risk? Would you agree that there is a chance you could get hurt or those things used against you? If this is true, then could it be that being emotional open is in fact the braver position as you are taking a chance? Could it not be viewed that the weaker thing to do is hide yourself?
@@mnqc5km3 I understand your point of view and I have tried. My first relationship was 4 years and he was verbal abusive and did get physical with me. He didn't beat me but he had no problem pushing, grabbing or punching me in my thigh. I found out from his girlfriend who got my # from his phone that they were together for 6 years. I wasn't hurt, I was relieved. I had no desire to be in another relationship after that . A few years later I met Mike and we definitely were into each other. So much so his gf picked up on it. We never did anything but we did talk about leaving her because he wasn't happy. She got pregnant, they got married. Still wasn't hurt by it. More recently I dated a guy I was friends with for a year. Everything was going well and then he ghosted me. Now that did hurt. I find out by a mutal friend it was because he was still hung up on an ex from 6 years ago and I got over it. I figured love just isn't in the books for me. Which is fine as I don't know how to connect with ppl anyway. See I grew up without a dad. My mother didn't love me and had well over 30 bf's in and out the house. I had to learn how to depend on myself, everytime I ever depended on someone they let me down. Why would I ever depend on anyone for anything? How can I miss love when I have never had it. And all I ever what from my mother is that one thing and all I got was hate. You have to understand that daily I was yelled at by my mother that I was the worst thing that happened to her, I was a waste, I ruined her life, I should have been aborted etc etc. There was no affection or spending time together. I stayed in my room all the time. My mothers house had to look like no child lived there. More recently Matt (a guy a work) revealed that he liked me. With hesitation I decided to take a change.Guess what happened....... nothing!!! So love is worth it to you probably because you grew up with it and had success with it. I have not. Being strong is surviving my childhood not giving in to the urge to kill myself from 16-26, not being anything like my mother and understanding that I'm so emotional f***** even though I have a desire to have children I probably shouldn't have any. I haven't given up on love I just know it's not for me. It's what is known as a callous heart. Be blessed you can love because you were loved. I have not been so lucky.
Spent 3 years with a DA. I’ll post what I saw: 1) she rarely initiated. Maybe 2/100 times. She also never flirted or knew what foreplay was. 2) she had difficult time saying what she wanted or how she was feeling. I had to question her in order to get a sense that she was participating in the endeavor. 3) sex most definitely declined the closer we became as a couple and the more vulnerable she was. Towards the last year of the relationship, she never initiated. 4) the first 6 months of the relationship was the best sex. Not because of frequency, but because of her passion and involvement. I found it odd that the more I knew what she liked and did the things that got her off easily, the less interested she seemed in sex!
I could have also written that word for word. At the start of our 8 year relationship she was always initiating, but as time went on it came to an abrupt halt. On the occasions l tried to discuss with her not just the frequency but the absence of her initiating compared to the first 8 to 12 months, she would get defensive and say " well everyone goes at it like rabbits in the beginning". I guess l would've much rathered consistency than that initial burst. It seemed to become a chore for her, in later years l really felt like she had used sex as a way to draw me in. But after watching this l now understand she may be dismissive avoidant.
GayleneFlower you know, I wouldn’t have considered that had it not been for a recent interaction with her where she attempted to gaslight me. Now I’m not so sure if it’s DA or NPD or a mix.
My DA is male and definitely pulled away from sex after some months . I used to internalize it but I do have good self esteem so I knew it wasn’t me because I am an above average sexy woman( not tooting my horn), but I knew it wasn’t me. I was lucky to be friends with his best friend and in speaking with the friend I realized he was afraid I would disappoint him like people usually do, so what I did was give him space. Over time he would do things like PDA, introduced me to everyone in his circle, always call. He is always present. I’ve just learnt when it’s important for him to have space and time to himself and give him that, which he truly appreciates. In general though my personality or attachment style is that I don’t require a lot of togetherness as I do value me time so it’s easier for me to not take it personal when I see that he just needs some space. The fact is I love him very much knew it when we first met, and the love is reciprocal so it’s really not hard to provide for him in the way he needs love as he does the same for me. Great video. I hope this helps somebody.
I am really glad to read this from you. I am a DA with so many of the things described in this video, and recently ended a long relationship with an anxious partner... I wanna improve in my behaviours and i am willing to put in as much work as i can, but i know that no matter what i Will Always be a bit like this... And It Is really conforting to read from you that It Is possible to have a functioning relationship where the other person can be Happy too and doesnt interpret the Need for space we have sometimes as a rejection. Very hopeful, thanks for writing this
Thanks for writing this. Comforting to hear as someone with da traits (but also some fa traits). I have never been able to picture myself in a relationship.
Pattern 1) open at the beginning of relationship and then begin to pull away when they become more and more volunerable Pattern 2) sometimes they feel sex is some kind of commitment Pattern 3) to be in their body, they live in their head, they are analytical Pattern 4) they live their life in fight or flight, their in there head Pattern 5) they don’t have a love language around physical touch Tips to help DA with this: A)min 9:20 practices for DA to be able to feel more: Vipassana meditation/ normal meditation/ Body Scans B)for DA : practice vulnerability over time to be able to strengthen relationships (programming technique) C) breath work to get you out of your sympathetic nervous system to your parasympathetic nervous system or meditation with binaural beats, painting, (things that are creative) things that force your mind to slow down and for you to be more present
Vipissana meditation does wonders! Sometimes I throw in a full body scan at the beginning by imagining I'm in water and a plug was pulled and now the water is draining down from my head, now its down to my ears, my mouth, my neck.. and down down, down until it soaks into the earth. It feels good! I'm more present since I started meditating daily, more calm , clear
This video opened my eyes in such a huge way. I have been with my DA husband for six years now. Our sex life started to dwindle after the first one or two months i felt rejection constantly and internalized it. I was bullied as a child about my looks, so, of course, assumed it was me. I decided I was gross and that my husband must not even want to have sex with me. Anyone can imagine how this would make someone feel, and I’ve dealt with it for 5 1/2 years now without understanding what the hell was going on. I can’t thank you enough for this video. It has explained so much to me and truly made me realize that it is not me. I just could not understand the lack of a sex drive, not to mention I would find out he was masturbating, but yet not initiating sex with me, which was a real punch to the gut. Internalized this, as he would rather pleasure himself, then have sex with me, because of how I must look gross. The effect this has had on my self-esteem in the last few years is huge. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel very introverted and alone. This understanding will help me there.
This is unfortunately so relatable. We're at almost 3 years without any intimacy and at this point I don't even want it. Being with a DA has changed ME and they way I HAVE TO show up in this relationship because I crave closeness and connection so this is like death to me. I've had to basically adapt an avoidant attachment to HIM so that I don't fall apart.
18 years. Later in the relationship, I realized that we weren’t having sex (when it DID actually happen), he was masturbating, and I was simply the receptacle. The damage DA’s do is indescribable and long-lasting.
I've been married to a DA for 7 years. Separated for a year now. Sex really became very awkward and she always seemed very disinterested. I recently had a conversation with her where I described how I was never given any type of clues when and if she even desired sex from me. I always felt as if she didn't want me and that definitely caused a lot of outside issues with our marriage. Intimacy was a foreign language to her and I never felt the closeness I wanted from her. It was a very difficult thing to deal with. I like flirtiness and romance and none of that was really a factor within my marriage for several years ... I'm glad I came across this video. At least I know I'm not alone.
Nope, not alone. My ex wife was DA and i was with her for 9 years. Almost the exact same story as yours. I took me a long time to be comfortable with myself and my sexuality after that experience. I'm glad i found people like Thais and LOTS of data about how common unfortunate situation is.
The way to do it is just say, " when can I have a sex night"? I really need it, and she will say, friday. Ok, so I wait till friday. A glass of wine will relax things for both. And that's it. That is what work's for me. One more thing, don't say anything romantic, just keep quiet.
@@rafael55 thanks for your insight. I actually tried that too, she would literally have an anxiety attack the day of and things would just get more awkward. Planned intimacy was a disaster for me, but I'm glad things worked out for you.
Does anyone find them pulling away after sex. Especially when things get deeper emotionally and sometimes not seeing you again until they feel like they have control idk
Yes, avoidants come across as control freaks because their afraid of allowing themselves to become vulnerable and avoid even being on the same level. I have experience with possibly the most extreme of avoidant women. They ran from their culture family and countries and did quite a number on me but I suppose I had to get worse before I got better.
My boyfriend has only been intimate with me once in the past year. I got him to hold my hand for a couple of minutes yesterday which was actually good progress. We have been together for 5 and a half years. I just thought he really didn't want me. But he keeps telling me he does want to be with me. As an anxiously attached person I feel extra, extra triggered by the constant rejection. Sometimes the main thing I think about all day long is how lonely and rejected I feel. I already felt starved when I got into the relationship. Now I am a black hole! Hurt people, hurt people. He could brighten my day so much just by coming over and giving me a hug but I always have to ask him for the smallest affection- and then it is only a very quick hug or kiss. I feel trapped because I love him so much. And I am seriously starving inside my heart and soul every day. It is a very hard way to live!!!
I'm sorry, I've been there. I hope it got better and you're healing. also, you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful and I'm sorry you've felt so isolating and rejected. 💕
I am in the same boat and in that black hole as well. My first few years were like Cindfuckinrella and then out of the blue we moved overseas for his job and then everything fell apart. He cheated on me and lied about it and now I'm stuck with a DA and I feel so lied to that he put on a good act who he was and that he was a secure person very intellectual. Now six years later I stayed and loved him and NEVER ever considered divorce. The past six years have been a living hell as he is unable to communicate yet does individual counseling but I NEVER see improvement! He deflects and turns everything back at me. I am an anxious attachment but I am in therapy and have done so much work on myself. You share info with my DA and all you get is defensiveness and I'm told you're not the psychologist Sam. I dive in to find the answers to WHY my life ended up this way and now I know that a DA is the worst to want to feel closeness from. It literally hurts and I cry everyday wondering why he won't do the simple things like a hug or a real kiss. I'm at the point now of walking away for my personal mental health. I love him with all my Heart but it is so unhealthy for me to stay anymore. My therapist sees me being re traumatized living like this and it's just sad. I never imagined having to leave someone I still loved with all my heart. Hugs to you...keep your head up and find Joy in this Life. We do deserve the basic love we are asking for.
Obviously this person your with is Avoidant and the most important thing is there on a spectrum! There capacity to be affectionate and loving is very low so that’s why they picked you because your dynamic is giving …. So if you think about it Has nothing to do w you not the way you look not the way you talk they are just a low affectionate low loving people! So the question is are you gonna be ok w this or are you gonna let go and find that love that affection with yourself or a secure person
They desire intimacy just like everyone else but they are fearful of experiencing it due to past childhood traumas that has the mental script of not receiving enough love being written in their minds.
I’m DA and my husband is Anxious Preoccupied. I’ve just recently discovered about attachment styles. Now I understand the push and pull dilemma that we’ve had over the years. We have done years of marriage therapy and our therapist obviously had no clue about this.
I’m currently first year psychology student and we actually learn about attachment theory in our first semester. That’s actually really alarming that your therapist didn’t pick up and identify those patterns because I pick up those patterns in others around me in my life and I’m not even a qualified therapist yet.
Therapist have no clue about a lot of stuff. It's so sad. I'd never use a therapist that graduated more than 10 years ago. I think education has improved a lot since then but still there are people who just shouldn't be therapists.
My fiancee moved out this weekend. Only after, she mentioned dismissive avoidance. Now I am here in tears understanding so much more what she was facing. I am crying, and still thankful for this video❤️
☹ I feel for you. I broke up with someone because I am DA. Believe me, it's not her fault and from my perspective/experience, I am always walking away from people I love and then still think about that one person I'll never be able to give what they need
I’m sorry , it is very painful , I had an over a 2 year relationship with one ! Whom I was in love with after a very long friendship ! I never knew until after he broke up with me ! Do not blame yourself ! It’s good she knows who she is ! Because my didn’t ! Even though she moved out 😞 you have info and tools now , if you both decided to move forward ! If not just focus on loving yourself! You are very valuable ! ♥️🙏🏾
I (a DA) feel like my mind commands my body, as opposed to coexisting with it, and the only times I feel reasonably comfortable in it are when doing science (not physical or emotional), heavy weightlifting and martial arts (physical expressions of power, not vulnerability). Your comment on us being in a subtle fight or flight mode 24/7 made it clear why.
My last relationship was with a DA, but he was very touchy and lovey when it came to sex. He also told me that he wanted marriage and kids and all of that. As time went on, I saw how sweet he was only when we were in bed. He loved cuddling, kissing, holding. He'd hold my hand kiss my forehead, etc.. But once I left, he would just shut down and act like it was all nothing. It got really bad bc I was going through serious situations such as mourning of family and friends who passed away while he and I were involved. He just went cold. Me being ultra vulnerable made him react in the opposite way. It was so hard, because that was when I needed support the most. Even with him constantly hurting me, I always thought that it was me..and I lost myself while trying to help him. This went on for months, and since I am more anxious, I blamed myself and started getting scared that I did something wrong. It was the most mentally stressful relationship that I have ever been in.
I had exactly the same experience, hardly recovered after this sh.....These kind of people will never be changed, run away from them as fast as possible, girls, otherwise you will be totally ruined. TOTALLY!!!!
@@dutchgirl5467 can you please be kinder with your words. I understand that you were hurt by a DA. But making such assumption that 'these people can't be changed' for ALL the DAs out there only makes it difficult for the DAs who are trying to heal difficult. Not all of us are monsters or anything, even if it gave you the impression or so. So please, be kind
Hey Thais. Would love to see a video "How to express need towards a DA/FA partner". Find this topic nowhere else. Generally constructive communication with avoidant styles without triggering or activating them, while still discussing hard topics like intimacy, powerstruggle, emotional balance, would be extremely demanded. Thank you!
This doesn’t help those of us involved with D/A types. If they don’t want to work with us or change, we can’t do the work for them. After 7 years of no intimacy in my marriage and him not wanting to work with me or get help, I gave up and divorced him.
Yess, the world is full of people, It's easier to find people without an avoidant attachment! No one should expect anyone to change, they won't change.
I’ve had so many failed relationships because of this. I am DA. Finally I found someone who understood this. We see each other twice per week and really gives me space. This is the opposite of all my previous partners. They smothered me and chased me. So, romance, intimacy and love were all faked on my part to so as to not hurt them. But it was exhausting. Now, I enjoy sex. Because it’s rare. There’s no pressure. And I’ve never been so connected with someone. It’s hard work but we do the work to make it work.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I feel like there’s hope for me & my DA boyfriend. We’ve been dating in & off for years, it has been so difficult to understand him. I’m happy to find these videos and read that it can work if you find someone who will understand. I want to have a healthy relationship..super encouraging.
@@carmenl8777 Yeah it’s nice to be told these things but not too often. I call it ‘love bombing’ when my gf does this too much. It causes me to panic and want to escape from the relationship. It’s so tough for her.
@@senseijen8963 My partner understands this. Fortunately, we are both trainee therapists so we know how to communicate. She would like more of me but I cannot give anymore. I am in therapy though and working on this issue.
I thought that to bring her coffee in bed in the mornings would make her appreciate me more and help her open up with me. I thought that giving her a kiss and hug before me leaving for work would confort her. I also thought that treating her like a princess was a non fail way of making her adore me. Now I learned that it is the other way around. We have to learn to keep away as much as possible, give plenty of space and do nothing to enhance intimacy. The distance we keep will make them open up, and permit them to relax. Their avoidance is the sign that we are forgetting to maintain distance. It's kind of a hassle, and if you don't want to play this stupid game, find another partner that is not DA. One thing is sure, -We are not going to fix them- And it seems that a lot of DA's will never change. I wish I had known about this when I was young. The only way I have found to maybe make the relationship better is to give the A LOT of space. Limmit the afection you give as much as you can, and maybe they open up. In other words, be avoidant and they will probably relax and open up to some extent.
Have you tried actually being honest with them and making them actually feel secure rather than bringing breakfast in bed and other subtle ways? Subtle ways don’t work and over compensating like that will likely keep them pushed away. I float between FA and DA and am somewhere inbetween. Best relationship I’ve ever had my girlfriend sat me down, shut me up and told me how much I meant, how she felt about me, why she felt about me and what she wanted out of the relationship. It was like flipping a switch. I was wholely and fully committed to the relationship. The relationship ended up ending for other reasons than my own vulnerability when trust ended up broken elsewhere.
@@jimmygee3219 I've tried everything that has ocurred to me. We have been together 40 years, counting our almost 5 year courtship. In 2005 I was going to leave her, she told me she still loved me, so I stayed. Recently I discovered about the attachment styles, and for the first time I understand what's happening. What works for me is being semi avoidant with her, thats not my nature but it works. Funny thing is, when we go on a vacation she's ok. The one time I confronted her she told me to find someone more open to affection.
rafael55 thats rough and hard as it’s been so long. Ultimately it needs to be an effort on both parts. The use of the word “confrontation” is concerning. I find the best successes with me were a very open dialogue that didn’t have fingers pointed at me. Just open conversations. Now I’m not saying it was hostile and after it going on for so long I’m not sure that will happen now. Have you tried therapy? Either together or separate?
@@jimmygee3219 I went to therapy 20 years ago, It was hard but the results were great for me. One day after a year and two months, my therapist said, "now it's time for your wife to come". My wife said no, she said, she knew she needed to go but she was not brave enough. My therapist said; if I were you I'd get another wife. I didn't, and were ok now that I understand a little about the attachement styles. I know she need distance, so I give distance.
rafael55 yeah that’s tough man, keep your head up and keep doing you. It’s not easy. She appreciates it more than you know, even if she has a hard time showing it. Keep your head up but don’t sacrifice your sanity.
I just want to share that you have really changed my life and helped me get over my ex who is an avoidant. It’s been 7 months of feeling sad, wondering why about a lot of things… and these videos helped me to understand what he was feeling a lot more. Thank you so much for your videos!
I think there are only certain people who can bare with da people. You must learn not only a different form of patience but you also have to know how to communicate with them so they feel safer with you. It requires a lot of persistence, effort and time. Certain things you just can’t take to heart because it is natural to them and they often don’t know that they are affecting you. Almost like when children make bad choices effortlessly because they can’t differentiate between good and bad. ( not saying that it acceptable for grown folk) but we were all brought up differently and have different outlooks on things. I feel once they let their guard down they can make great lovers. But on the flip side…if you’ve tried your best and there is no change, walk away. They have to want to change as well.
I am so happy to have found this video. This is my husband. I was so wrong and now I completely understand him. I think truthfully we are both like this and I’m amazed that we are still together. I’m feeling it must be true love after all. We have been together for twenty years. Thank you, I believe you have saved my marriage!!!❤️
1:00 start 2:40 start of relationship sex 4:20 reason of withdrawal of sex 5:20 #2 reason 9:20 for DA, get back into your body feeling Thank you for explaining this.
I dated several DAs and they all loved physical touch... seemed like that was the only way I could get through them (as they would rarely talk about their personal life). They definitely struggled with intimacy which is a bit shocking to a person (me) who wants and needs to connect.
Yup, last guy I dated was like that. Very physical and charming, but after a month, he started pulling away when I tried to connect on a deeper level through verbal communication. He has difficulty expressing his needs and feelings verbally. Found it awkward I have those conversations with him. Then he went hot and cold. I just couldn't handle it. Things ended after a few months because it was just unstable.
I'm DA but i strive very much for intimacy. I know i am terrified of it but im a pretty brave person and i sort of wants to "crack the case" and get closer. However, it's difficult to try and connect with people who doesn't even believe connection exist. 😞
My DA has become very affectionate and I think more than anything, prayer works. This can definitely be fixed and they can feel safer in general if you pray for them and let them know you love them no matter what. I am anxiously attached and he actively cuddles with me, asks me how I’m feeling, notices new looks, randomly kisses me at times and slow dances with me in the kitchen. ❤️ I honestly cannot believe he is DA. He shared his secrets with me and knows that I love him regardless of whatever he thinks is wrong with him. Ever since opening up, we have made great progress with physical touch and therapy + prayer. Have worked 100% for us. I hope this provided comfort and reassurance for anyone else with this dynamic. ❤️ you don’t have to try, just pray and be there to catch them. It doesn’t have to be one sided either. They just have to feel secure in the moment.
I actively pray and hope we can get over this .. very hard for me … i am a Anxiously pre occupied and he is a DA .. he is very loving at times but definitely fears hurt that relationships can bring .. i do pour into him with assurance and positive things i tell him i appreciate him i pray 🙏🏾 things can get better cause my heart definitely can’t take it much more
I pray for the love of my life DA more than I pray for myself. He’s the most amazing man in the world. I had to leave our love story because once he fell in love avoidant went into overdrive. I had no idea what was happening, he’s 72 and should have shared with me. It was the most magical, fulfilling relationship for 4 months. I hadn’t fell in love in over a decade. I prayed for this. The more he loved me, the more avoidant he became. I still thank God I had him, if only for 7 months outta 62 yrs of life. He touched me to my core. I never had issue with his independence, I need to feel loved, he couldn’t do that. Bridges of Madison County worthy
With my ex, who was dismissive avoidant, was more in tune w his body and the experience in intimacy, yet did not over think anything. I have an anxious attachment style and didn’t realize either of these styles until it was to late and I was pushed out of the relationship. He was pursuing other women. Learning to heal. The book Attached is helping.
I think sex is highly involved with emotional feelings, and dismissive avoidants are really good at separating carnal needs from emotions feelings; and the way I would describe it myself... once I start developing feelings for someone my sex drives go down drastically... it's feels like a 'shock'.... as if it were a threat to your emotional stability.. but you wont fight back nor flight away..... it's like a shock... all of a sudden you stop enjoying what you used to enjoy.
@@tiagoguerreiro131 I have never married and I just broke up ... I have never had a relationship that lasted more than 2-3 years... and usually to get that back I have to breakup w the person... so I don't think so...
Krystina Romero thanks for your honesty. But quick question, did you have therapy? Did you want to change? You as a dismissive will always feel like that? I heard about couples who are together for many many years. So I think there is a way.
@@tiagoguerreiro131 I have go to therapy... but never for long enough... I didn't want to change in the past; but I want to change now.. I don't know if I will always feel like this... I also think there is a way :)
Krystina Romero hi! I feel like you just wrote this in the right time! That God sent you in my direction! I needed to read this. Especially because I read plenty of stories that demonised Dismissive avoidant sand made me feel hopeless.
My DA was addicted to porn, he’d rather masturbate than be with me. It was very disturbing. He made thousands of excuses, but I knew what was going on…
I've always thought about why I somehow loose attraction when I become "friends with someone" = emotionally closer, because thats usually how you deepen relationships, not loosen it. I prefer strangers over someone who I'm emotionally close with to sleep with And I also just realized this is probably why i like 'cold'/bdsm sex because when I am in power or someone else, I know we're not on the same level, we are not close, it is more sterile, it is safe
Yup. My ex found me extremely attractive, almost praising me all the time, and he would always be erect around me, but when it came time to enter, he would go soft. He said he was too much in his head, and once told me he should just go and have a one night stand with some random chick to be able to get over whatever was stopping him from intercourse with me. We never ended up ever going all the way. He broke it off with me cause of our "differing political views" lol
I Have a friend that is DA. He is into bdsm. I think I stuck foot in my mouth he said he would own me. I said I was the other half of his heart. Haven't heard a word from him since
OMG, today I just found out that my ex is a typical Fearful Avoidant and I am a Dismissive avoidant. This video has just taught me so much about my self, I even thought I had a low sex drive to a level that I was considering getting testosterone tests. I do not know if it is too late for my old relationship but thanks you so much for showing me who I am.
You just described my 17 year relationship with a DA. He changed around the year mark and it has been very detrimental. I would try everything to get our sex life on track to no avail to the point I stopped "working " on it. I became SO resentful and angry. Unfortunately, I ended up having affairs (I've done a lot of personal growth and therapy since) because I wasn't getting my needs met. I'm done carrying on my shoulders other people's issues that they need to work on. I'm still working on myself but these videos on DA are helpful. I believe I'm a FA and learned my love languages, values and boundaries.
1. Primary pattern - opennand sexual beginning, but as it demands being more vulnerable it make me feel trapped and like things Indont want to do. Often feel like sex equals commitment. 1. DA feels like tending to not be in their body, dissociative. They really get in their head. Constantly thinking and analyzing. Not rooted and connected to their feelings and sensation to make it enjoyable. 2. They live in low state of flight or fight. Anxiety, reproduction and flight or fight are in opposition. 3. DA thinking about this or that rather than being in the moment and afraid of criticism. 3. Vulnerability - the more vulnerability in the relationship the more the partner tends to pull away. - if you feel rejected by your partner- emotions and feelings are somatic feelings in your body. Practice noticing those things. 4: practice vulnerability over time. Practice exposing yourself over time. 5. Binaural beats. To get you back into more presence and out of somatic fight or flight and into parasympathetic.
Really great video. My bf is a DA whereas I'm a FA. My favorite part of the relationship is sex & my love language is physical touch. My bf said he really doesnt care about sex and it's not that pleasurable to him. His love language is quality time. The beginning of the relationship was sooooo intimate and I honestly get frustrated bc I can guarantee anytime I do try to initiate now, I will bet all the money I have that he will refuse it. Without a doubt. Whereas he is the only one who can initiate it, and it's so seldom when he does. That I'm pretty much desperate to that connection bc I put too much of my own self value into the sex. We have both been working on ourselves after learning of our attachments but god it sucks.
I am a FA and she is a DA. The first 6 mo of our 1.5 yr relationship was good sexually. I was able to have her attention when we slept together, something I tried to get from her all the time but rarely did. I noticed thAt she was not an initiator or proactive. She rarely kissed during actual sex or said anything. She did seem to enjoy it but felt that it was my job to please me and her job to please herself. Over time sex frequency slowed and she complained about being kissed or touched too much. We seemed closer but she began to shut down even more emotionally.
Im also FA with physical touch being my love language. This is making me incredibly sad. On one hand, at least now I understand why he went cold. I perceived it as lack of interest, but then he's also around me all the time. Confusing AF. And then me being someone who needs physical touch to be a constant in a relationship... how does this dynamic even work? Can it work?
Same!!!!! We are 8 months in and sex was great first couple months then he kept rejecting me saying he prefers quality over quantity.... I’m not sure. I’m gonna stick around if this continues to decline. I am a very passionate person and being sexually frustrated is exhausting.
_sonflowerr _ If I knew 32 years ago what I know now about my DA Mrs, i would’ve made very different relationship decisions. I just now am learning about it and your story sounds like mine. It sucks! Let him go & move on w your life. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy & intimate relationship. Don’t settle for anything less. Life is too short.
Your sneeze is the darndest thing! Thanks for being so honest, right to the point and lovely authentic... And so positive and non judgmental!!! Huge fan of your videos and I recommend them all the time! Love from Germany 🇩🇪
I’m so glad I found this video. 7 years in and all of this started happening. I was bewildered and confused. This all makes so much sense. I know there’s a lot of anger around DAs. They are a handful and can claim times seem like robots, but most are doing the best they can. I’d love more info on this topic!!!!
they almost never initiate. the sex is kind of sterile and boring, more technique than feelings. no cuddling, no touching, rarely kissing, no pillow-talk, no holding, nothing. he didn't even want to talk about what he liked or asked what I might like. the sex itself seems passionate, but it's not. I always felt weirdly disconnected. afterwards he detaches immediately. he once told me "I normally won't let girls sleep afterwards in my bed" (we have been knowing each other for 2 years). They are not a fit for a relationship, not even for a short affair, since the sex is so boring.
I have been with someone for 6 months who is exactly as you describe. We have had actual sex 2 times. He needed me away from him right after both times. He has some issues staying physically aroused, as well, which I believe has added to DA problem.
Right after sex, my ex told me he knew I was going to marry someone else. That made me burst in to tears instantly! If I initiated, he would make excuses and try get out of it. Ugh!
I agree with this. There was one or two times when this DA guy I was seeing was emotionally intimate during sex. He said later that it was too intimate and that it scared him, and that he was "too young" for that. (He was 24 lol). After that the sex became so technical, and he was never present in the moment. He was always just somewhere else entirely. It felt like having sex with a block of wood.
Thank you, again, so much. You are a bright light.🌟 What a great service to us all.🙏 I am a dismissive type. I have been married for 20 years to a fearful avoidant type. My feelings have been locked up. It’s scary, rolling them out.
I am envious of your clients. They reach out for help. The love of my life hasn't. I am watching this video in the hope to help myself and him one day. Thank you!
Oh my god, YES to this series!! Been waiting for it! Excited for the FA video, please talk more about the polar sides of it. Also curious about sexuality and attachment styles. Do FA’s and DA’s tend to question their sexuality more - because they are more disconnected from their bodies and emotions? Oh my god, I’m so excited for this series. xD
DA male here. Starting seeing someone new and I feel pretty present in bed while focused on her, but when the focus turns towards more me I tend to get in my head and start cracking jokes to mask any "vulnerability." I feel like I have to act. She'll be being pretty generous but I won't feel anything physically. Then I have to reassure her that it's not her. It sucks.
Hey man to man here, while doing those jokes etc does it help u last longer? If I start doing math in my head it takes me away for a min so I can keep going for her. I even resulted to drinking water until I had to piss and hold myself off just to get another 20 or 30 mins in ontop of what was already done. If it's tmi man sorry. 😂
To all the DA's, Now that you know you're DA, I think you should try to work on yourself and avoid putting your partner into so much emotional pain. My husband of 8years is a DA and am just finding out through this video. You don't want to know what I've been through this past 8years. From cheating to defence mechanism, to lying to unremorsefulness! Am just tired and hurt!
The information you are generously giving to everyone is absolutely appreciated. I have read and listened to all of Stan Tatkin and Sue Johnson's books on Attachment. I have delved deep into the origins of Attachment and the psychological progress that has been made in using Attachment for relationships and self-understanding. Yours is the first delivery system that has brought all of this theory into personal knowledge for both my partner and me. All of this being said, I would like to offer you my services of sound and video processing for your vidoes. I am not sure how to reach out to you otherwise. Again the information is the best I have ever heard or seen. The sound and the videos could use a little love too.
I’m soooo grateful that I saw this video, you changed my life I was so scared because I didn’t understand what I was experiencing (I’m dismissive avoidant)
I think I am just discovering that my bf is a DA. I took a test years ago before I started dating him and I got secure/ borderline anxious. But I feel that after being with him for 2 years I am more anxious. In the beginning I could spot his behaviors like silent treatments and know how to deal with them but after a while I started feeling like no matter what I did I couldn’t help. When I expressed my feelings revolved around feeling like he was being distant and we weren’t as intimate and I felt that he didn’t care about my interests and liked hanging with friends more then me, he would shut down and usually leave and go drink. And he would say things like, your “freak out”. After a while I did start having freak outs because no matter what I tried he would push me away and dismiss my feelings. He finally admitted to not feeling like sex and connection are connected in any way. That it’s cringe. And that he is just not in the mood anymore. When in the beginning, he was very sexual. Then slowly started becoming less and less over time. I am never considered anymore and he doesn’t like foreplay or kissing. Cuddling is more that he knows I want it. It’s become so hurtful and i dont know if I can deal with his opinion on relationships and intimacy in the long run. It feels like my mental health is suffering
As a DA, I definitely found myself retreating from my relationship when it became more personal and intimate. Examples of this were meeting family and friends, sharing past experiences or opening up about things that bothered me, and not sharing my religious beliefs because my faith means so much to me.
So true. I was with my ex DA for 5 yrs. I always had to initiate intimacy and he had a hard time orgasming. I left bc i felt neglected and unloved. Never want to be in that type of relationship again.
I am AVD and you are pretty spot on. I avoid relationships altogether. I'll find an emotionally unavailable partner, enjoy sex for the first few months, end the situationship and that will last me for years. 20% of me does fear intimacy but because it makes me weak, 30% is because I really don't care. Sorry, I just don't. The other 50% is the fact it's not apart of who I am. Connecting with people is not something I think about often. Maybe from time to time and when I try to connect with people, I am looking for the exit real quick. I am amazed at AVDs who marry. I think I would die if I was married. In my head the very thought is too much. Being touchy and open is not how we were raised.
dierjran you should seek help to help close some of those gaps. Hopefully you’re being honest with the people you were involved with about where you stand and your not out hurting people otherwise if that life is serving you then be it as it may
@@karynakenyo5254 I know I need help. Been in therapy for years. My biggest achievement is not killing myself and or turning to drugs. You have no ideal the hell I grew up with. I told my mother I was molested when I was 6. I told her this when I was 16. Her response was to pretend I never said anything. So I had to deal with it alone, like everything else in my life with her. My mother has told me love is for the weak and she only had children to serve her. She had a new boyfriend every couple of weeks. Dude, I have a book of tragedies in my life and I always had to deal with insensitive comments from people like you who have the benefit of not knowing the hell that I survived in my life. You think it’s easy?! Did you grew up being told you were the spawn of satan? A mother that wouldn’t let you go to college because she said you were to stupid and retarded too do so? Those are mild examples btw. A more extreme one is being harassed by my mother to get pregnant at 15 by her 37 yo marry bf so she wouldn’t have to have her tubes untied. So yeah I need fucking help. Mind you. I have more examples like this.
I live with a boyfriend for five years. I figured out for myself that he had Asperger's. He would never engage in sex but he would spend a lot of time watching pornos and getting himself off. He just never wanted to engage sex with me so I had to pack my stuff and leave because he didn't want to change things and I couldn't go on. It was very hard because we had a close relationship but outside of wanting to cheat on him I just decided that I had to leave and find somebody else or I was going to lose my mind. I find your video very insightful thank you very much
When my husband was trying to win me I had no idea he was like this. I actually married him because it was the best sex I had ever had !! Wow . So wonderful . And as soon as we got married that was it . He has been avoiding me ever since. It used to be once every 2 months for about 20 years . Very little in the last 20. It has been 5 years right now. This means no touching of any kind . No kissing . no sitting near me. Nothing .
When they flip a switch right after marriage, that sounds EXACTLY like Covert Narcissism. Narcissists are withholding in every aspect inside and outside the bedroom. Intimacy, como!iments, affection, praisr, credit or achknowledgement, support, understanding, validation. They are selfish, self absorbed, self impirtant, self gratifying, self centered, self obsessive, self focused, self self self.. If you notice this pattern in your partner it's time to educate yourself as emotional withholding is ABUSE, sexual withholding is emotional and psychological abuse,, withholding money is financial abuse, it's TOXIC and it's never going to change. Sharing is caring ✌💗
You should definitely find someone better, unless you're happy with being legally bound friends for the rest of your life... I'd really try to evaluate exactly what "kind" of love you have for *each other*. In my opinion, though it's not my business, I'd say that it needs to be mutual, but hey, maybe you're okay with settling for someone who sees you as a friend or even treats you like a stranger. You should be sure to decide what type of relationship meets your criteria and make sure it suits your needs, it sounds like it can't be doing that if the man doesn't even hold your hand every once in a while! Just remember, it's never too late to start over, and sometimes, being alone and happy with yourself is a much better feeling than settling for someone who doesn't value you enough to put forth the effort in the relationship to fulfill your needs, leaving you thinking, "jeeze, what did I miss out on for this?!" It's definitely worth trying to communicate with him over, if you haven't already, and if you have, maybe try again? The best that could happen is he puts in the effort to let you know that you are loved and valued by him, and the worst that could happen is that he shows you exactly how he does not love and value you as he should be and you deserve better!
When you described the common response you get of DA's "I don't know what's wrong, I don't want to hurt and offend my partner, I feel ashamed and guilty" I really felt that. That's what my DA partner expresses around his sexual performance. He's spotting the issue, and wanting to resolve it, but not making the connections. I would love to know what questions I could ask when he raises the topic, to get a deeper understanding with him. What are suggestions?
I have been asking questions like "what would you prefer/what can I do?" But I feel like even then I am pushing whilst it's the opposite of what you want to achieve. It's hard because you love your SO and you want to make sure they are not hurt but in doing that it's exactly what you are describing. Honestly, if anyone has advice let me know please
Thank you for sharing @everyone. I thought for the longest time that I was doing something wrong every step of the way. The truth is that making a difference in yourself is all that matters.
I tend to be pretty anxious preoccupied in the beginning of a relationship but then as the intimacy deepens I can become more avoidant. It really depends on the level of vulnerability and intensity that I experience from the other person. If they are highly vulnerable than I get overwhelmed and tend to pull back, but if they aren’t vulnerable enough then that’s also not comfortable for me and I want them to lean in. I suppose I’m in the ambivalent category - don’t come to close and don’t go too far away.
I have read the comments but this does not help partners of these strange beings! I wanted some hope but it doesn't appear there is such a thing unless you want to live without intimacy and sex the rest of your life... Guess I'm getting OUT
GayleneFlower there is hope what is being recognized here has to be explained to the DA. With that said they have to be open and willing to want to come out of such state. Someone in the comments said they are a DA and now realized being armed with this info what the issue was with them destroying their past relationships. I’m dealing with a DA now and most if not all of her videos now explains what I have been experiencing. So I’m taking my knowledge of who they are in hopes I can share at the right time if the universe presents itself for me to do so. I need to be careful and prayerful in my approach. Only if I see a future will I invest the time and energy. I’m a FA and now I get our dynamics. Blessings to you
I agree. What a miserable existence this would be to stay with a partner like this. The very nature of your affection and love makes them want to run away from you.
Yea this gave me reassurance it wasn’t me and I am glad I left him. How terrible. Do they not realize they do this to people? And if they do - maybe they should seek help. I couldn’t not imagine.
@@jjc2323 we no longer speak but quite great full for the experience of having the DA in my life at the very time of discovery attachment styles. He wasn’t going to be my forever man so I didn’t invest the time to explore it with them. I set boundaries and stuck to it so they exited stage left. It opens up for the one.
My DA and I made it 2.5 years pretty much honeymoon and in this together but as soon as regular life conflict happened, she couldn't handle talking to me for fear of my anger emotionally charged response that she told herself would be the case and she started closing me out and when I questioned it and asked for time together, she dismiaswd me and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. It was a bad cycle throughout last year and I hate that there's nothing I can do to change her beliefs about my thoughts or feelings. I feel like a hamster spinning on a wheel being starved
The more of these videos I watch, the more I wonder what the point is in continuing my relationship with my DA. The longer were together (2 years) the farther away he goes. In almost every aspect. But when we try to break up he can't seem to handle that either. Always coming by, calling, sending love songs. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
I’m 5 years in with a DA and it doesn’t get better. All these videos are basically instructions on how to make THEM feel safe and good so that they hopefully someday maybe possibly will open up. What about us? He can still easily go from “you’re the love of my life” to ignoring me completely for days when I get upset at him. He acts as if my emotions and feelings are a burden or inconvenience to him. If I’m angry because of something he did, he will simply walk away and avoid me until I get over it and my need for him overpowers my anger at what he did to me. It eats at your self worth and you start to wonder what’s wrong with you, then soon enough you’re constantly wondering what’s wrong with you. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone
@@breck6520 Exactly. I feel this 100% You begin to apologize for your reactions when they mistreat you, just to have peace. You walk on eggshells and you end up feeling like an over reacting burden when in fact, anyone would be off balance with this kind of treatment. I was told so many times I was being dramatic, selfish, passive aggressive, etc. And they never, ever apologize. If he even acknowledged doing something wrong without accusing me of making a big deal out of nothing, an apology was never forthcoming. It really does ruin your self esteem.
@@marcd2743 Yes! We do anything to avoid that painful conflict! He did a number on me, in that I really began to wonder if I was just a needy, passive aggressive burden because that's how he portrayed me, to me. So defensive, so righteous. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that all his failed relationships (which I was supposed to understand and make up for) were probably his own doing?? And the absence, the utter ease with which he could just put me out of his life for days, a week despite what that did to me. It is so impressive to me, so real when someone can sincerely apologize for anything. I can forgive most things, as long as I know the remorse is real and the desire to fix things is there. Nope, he just had to be right. Would bring up arguments from years prior and when I'd say that we had already resolved that issue, he'd look at me surprised and admit he just wanted to win the argument at hand. It was such a turn off, like dating a 12 year old. I believe they are emotionally stunted. Never again. They'd have to be in deep therapy for me to even consider risking my own mental health again that way. I totally understand the not wanting to keep trying. You end up wondering even when it's good, how long it will last. :(
Wow wow wowwwwww, this video literally gave me the answers I needed to why I’ve been feeling this way towards having sex with my boyfriend (felt this way too with my ex, after the 2 year mark) WOW thank you SO MUCH. I had absolutely no idea. I got blood work done thinking I had low libido because of estrogen levels etc. I’m so so happy, I can work on this. I miss being in my body, I truly want to heal and be present in sex. I’ve been struggling with this feeling for months now and didn’t know what was going on. You described it perfectly. Thank you again :)
@@deedee7780 ever since this video I’ve brought it up with my therapist/ spiritual mentors and I’ve been actively working on feeling SAFE with intimacy. I’ve also learned not to shame myself and grow more self compassionate in the moments I do feel triggered. This can be a gift to allow yourself to feel true intimacy, Not even with/ for a partner but for/ with yourself. Also, women get in the mood 10 minutes after sex, so I’ve also just let my body get there. I’ve been trying other sexual fantasies to ge my juices flowing. I’ve also been actively working on being vulnerable within friendships, etc etc.
Being DA I’ve always enjoyed the novelty of of flings. All of my flings have become the beginning of my relationships and none of my relationships have ever evoked committed love or even relished a desire to be close with them. The longer I stay in a relationship the more I feel terribly lonely. I know I can fix this myself and one day I will have vulnerable healthy relationships. However I’d rather be alone then in that self Imposed hell.
GayleneFlower Therapy and feeling comfortable enough to work on yourself actually helps. As a DA admitting to vulnerability it’s tough to do and it takes a while to open up. You didn’t have to be harsh like that DA’s are still human and they navigate emotions a different way.
My DA broke up w me 2 years ago from our close and committed relationship. Six wks after break I reestablished contact and we continued to see each other but he was comfortable seeing me only casually but exclusively- no longer verbally expressive or initiating contact, but comfortable w a physical relationship. After 2 years of this I began to push for more but he would insist he needed to keep things “simple.” A month ago I pushed harder, asking him to make a choice, and he told me to move on...in a text. I felt so hurt and rejected I lashed out and accused him of using me as a FB. I deeply regretted my cutting words and apologized but he hasn’t talked to me since- that was 4 weeks ago. I miss him but with his defenses and trust issues I don’t know if he’ll want to see me again or even trust me at all. Hurts my heart.
Summer you deserve better, sorry to him but it’s definitely his loss. Give yourself time, maybe try a secure partner it’s better than being at the mercy of someone who doesn’t “know thy self” or tries to. Like why’s he so worth it, what about the fact that he’s hurting you?
@@GeorgideMarne If it weren't for the "pusher's" as you call it, the the DA would never "attach" in the first place. Also keep in mind the DA doesn't present initially as a DA, they can be quite alluring in the beginning. So fast forward 6mo, a year of 3 and the DA behavior radically changes, except now the SA is alarmed and can tilt into an Anxious attachment pattern.
I understand where you are coming from. But you publicly shamed your DA. And if you know anything about DA's, shame is big on their minds. I can't imagine the shame he must have gone through. As most DAs come from never having a secure connection in their lives, these little things hit them the hardest. They have never been secure, so to all the people talking about how he was an insecure partner, please try to understand the other side as well.
This explains a lot!!! We never had sex. He only initiated once early on and I turned him down because it was too soon. He broke up with me when I asked for us to finally be intimate many months later. He also didn’t like cuddling. I started to call him Robot man.
I think this is very typical from DA people. Sex is considered by them as a mechanical way to get physical pleasure, and they avoid by any means any behaviour during sex that could lead to emotional intimacy situations.
I have attachment trauma and total neglect in childhood, left to fend and survive for myself, everything going great until I was 15 and got depression, lost all my social connections and emotional attachments, I don't experience emotions or emotional needs for human contact, I have never had sex, intimacy or closeness because I'm completely incapable of experiencing any of it, had a breakthrough in the summer, dreams of as abandonment that set me free, I was strong and happy, functioning as a man again, I was starting to experience sexual attraction again and passed one girl where I experienced mutual love at first sight, the experience was so overwhelming my tears upped and I had to walk away from it, I had love in me again and I was showing it to be people, I was able to be social because I could express emotion I also had a nightmare that everyone but me was able to experience sex and intimacy but me, since then I regressed so far back I have become cold again, Im so disconnected I live inside my own head and slipping back into severe depression, I can barely go into town now or function in any social situation, almost 39, my life is screwed from childhood.
Reading all these comments make me want to cry (with relief). My ex DA never, ever initiated. I felt so unattractive, and undesirable. It messed with my head so much. Whenever I initiated, it felt so...unnatural because he seemed to be so uncomfortable. I got to a point where *i* stopped initiating. Went nearly 4 months without anything. After stating my feelings and gently asking what was going on, he blamed it on age??? (he’s 33 mind you) and low testosterone....??? (Never actually went to the dr. He just assumed). I didn’t realize this was common for a DA. I had been blaming myself and tearing myself apart for months for becoming comfortable in the relationship and not getting dolled up enough 😭😭😭 I started to convince myself that I didn’t need intimacy or cuddling ever (which is SO not true for me). Our bedtime routine would be one kiss then he’d call his dog on the bed who literally slept between us, then he would turn his back to me and fall asleep.
Same scenario for me. I saw he had the capacity to be affectionate to the dog but not to me. Thought I was disgustingly jealous but found out he’s a DA. I’m secure and DAs turn me into anxious attachment.
Lindsey, I am really sorry to read that, indeed that is how DAs do it and please have in mind that this has nothing to do with your attractivity. The lack of initiative is so specific and it is caused by the fear/shame that it might not be the most wonderful act ever. The main action to do for a DA in this case is to actively initiate, but unfortunately not many people with this attachment style know about having it nor find it useful to change.
I'm going through this now. Unfortunately he has just lost his mom, and has PTSD. I innitiated over the weekend and he declined. This is very new to me and want to give him all the space he needs, and also want to enjoy us as well. Very frustrated and even knowing, can't help but feel hurt.
I would like to add here that if your ex is really a DA, the initial contacts like for a month or two must have been all fire and sparks .. then it goes downwards. The reason for this is : beggining - no vulnerability nor extra feelings about you .. after - feelings bring the vulnerability in the DAs mind which is a no go, showing vulnerability and further the shame is a huge fear so then the lack of initimacy starts and continues.
@@razvanyke it’s exactly what you described when you have a relationship with DA but is there something that yr partner can do for reassurance or not? I tried to reassure my DA and it was worse.
am a "rolling stone" man with a AVD diagnosis. I am learning so much from this video. I thought my behavior was crazy and so did everyone else. I did not know that my behavior had a name, Avoidant Personality Disorder. '
Avoidant personality disorder is not the same thing as avoidant attachment. Either way, best of luck to you! It’s possible you could have both Avoidant attachment and avoidant personality disorder, though.
I have this attachment style and i also have bipolar 2. It’s a horrible combination because when im feeling good i like to meet new people and engage in sex but once things start to get a bit serious and my depressive episode starts, i tend to push them away almost completely. Being depressed and disgusted by intimacy is not a way to live tbh
This was very interesting to learn that it’s common for DA’s to pull away after some time. Would it be true to say that they do this because of their own internal struggles and not because they are loosing interest in their partner? I could not find the feelings and needs worksheet you mentioned in the video. Would you be able to please let me know how I can access it. Many thanks 😊
Not sure how to explain it, but it has *nothing* to do with my partner, and I want to assure you it's not you. I knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure it out. Almost was hoping to die before I fuck my marriage completely! Just thought I had low sex drive/testosterone or something. If you can get this into your DA's feed without you directly sharing it, I feel very sure he will try to change too.
@@seapeajones this has been a worry of mine with my DA, that he has lost interest in me. Do you still have needs as in your keen on porn or just no drive whatsoever? Knowing its not personal makes all the difference
I am a DA and these videos describe me very close in almost every aspect. The thing is I now recognize this and I am in a relationship that suffers where my partner might be an anxious pre / fearful where she keeps yearning for deeper connection. That is a turn off in a subconscious way for me. Like the video said the first year is great but then it slows that's because the first year we really don't see the "seriousness" of the relationships for example I am a male, the first year the expectations and pressures of commitment are low but then as it goes on the partner eventually expects something serious and that's when things sort of decline. This is when the trauma kicks in and depending what type of trauma you had it can show up in different ways. My gf sort of switches moods when she "expects" something or it is a signal that she wanted attention but I didn't give it, then the mood she radiates triggers mine where it makes us regret doing relationships. We see these sort of negative or even as being critical of us. I grew in a household with severe neglect and hardship, when I was small any crying, discomfort, or anything that small children usually do were met with shame and/or being a difficult burden, so feeling this was forbidden and it has been imprinted to where now when people ask for intimacy and closeness, that's where we were conditioned that this is shameful to do and why are you doing this to me. On top of that the women in my family were of a sort of very promiscuous where men where more important than the safety of their children and witnessed things their children shouldn't but that in turn programmed me to look at women as sort of disgusting and no good for anything but sex because they will jump on anything sooner or later, makes it hard to connect with something deeper. the beginning there is no commitment and the "out" is easy and there is not much investment and most of the time the initiation of more commitment came always from my female partners where it just start that loop If they had issues in the past and it triggers them then it gets worse quick. Now that I am aware and trying to change and really tough it out because I would love to have a healthy relationship and not stuck in this mental prison constantly alert for survival it gets exhausting. But the problem is this for me and I have to over come this logic that lives in me: Being alone is not a bad thing for me, I actually enjoy it more than being around people. I get anxiety of the thought with being with my partner alone for a long period of time because it forces me to be close to someone for 24 hrs. All of my relationships were in and out meaning we may spent a total of 2 or 3 days with eachother per week. It lasts for the first year then the moving in and staying together more becomes a problem. It feels like we have to sacrifice our freedom, our ability to get away if things feel bad.
Thank you for the insightful videos. It appears I have a DA on my hands from what you have discussed. He pulls away, then when reassured I love him, he comes back. He had difficult time ever saying he loved me or how he was feeling (except when angry). Sex was really strange as it was almost like an automatic act with no closeness and he would get mad if I tried to have any intimacy afterwards. Really strange. You speak of continue to support & love but when I bring it up to him he says he is the way he is and he's not going to change. He is defensive...In fact he has planned as trip for us to go camping and purchased cots for the both of us to sleep separately! I do not understand this dynamic. I am an extremely affectionate person! I am thinking I want out-and I am going to bail on the vacation. This person does not appear to have a notion of romance is about?? It is frustrating and hurtful. I have tried to initiate communication about this but it is just refuted. he says he doesn't know why he is like this and notices the same reactions from other women but is clueless as to why they act that way. He doesn't seem to even care that he is like that or want to improve...does this sound familiar to anyone? I am frustrated to no end & am having a hard time walking away but I do not think patience and kindness is going to help this person...we have been together for a year. If he can't work on his issues then why am I wasting my time?
I feel the same way in my current relationship. It’s an emotional roller coaster with little accountability at times. I just told my boyfriend, we can be friends to give him space but I can’t wait forever.
After a 4 year relationship with a DA I believe you see the hand writing on the wall "He doesn't seem to even care that he is like that or want to improve". If you stay there is much pain ahead. LEAVE!
OMG. I LITERALLY MANIFESTED THIS!!! Well I’d like to believe the law of attraction helped this video to be made a day after I asked about the connections!!! TY, Beautiful!! Your always on time and you are helping so many ppl heal by understanding themselves! OH 444 wakes me up and I see it everyday, this vid is 14:44 long. And I was the 4th comment 😃Who else notices synchronicities like 1111? The universe always points an awakening soul in the right direction 💙❣️🌹♎️✌🏾🌈#Namaste
I've noticed that a lot of us avoidants show our emotions through sex and that we have a tendency to sometimes be friends with benefits with someone we have feelings for bc we can have the cake and eat it. I'm FA and my FWB (who is once again ignoring me 🙄) is DA. He doesn't have a lot of experience and I have too much, and this is the best sex any of us have ever had. We can relax and communicate with each other. Emotionally we're a fucking mess, but in bed it's a good type of madness. ;)
Can I ask you if you keep It as friend with benefit because there are feelings but you don't consider them strong enought to get into a committed relashionship?
@@mariacarmenfalco5723 she was saying there are feelings but they're scared to commit. So they can have the person but without the triggers of commitment. That's the impression I got from reading between the lines.
That made me cry, it's exactly 💯 your words i dissociate most of the time, I shut down my feelings when triggered, when mobbed, when rejected. The crazy thing is I definitely was the a fearful avoidant who gave easily into sex because I was heavily verbally and bodily abused by the parents who never accepted my no. In the course of time, I worked myself up and left all dates or boyfriends bring narcisstic or verbally abusive. The swift was so subtle,I turned into the dismissive style where I first lowed all my expectations until i didn't even felt or had any needs at all, so I can't even express them. People tell me I deactivate myself and I should have needs. The problem with any needs of the DA and also the sexual ones is that it is too risky to be vulnerable and open up or trust and having no needs it's such a great protection and safety that it's a constant struggle for me to even have a date since 5 years. Nevertheless, I'm happy I left the previous 10 years abuses, but now I'm too self-reliant and I don't need any. To sum up, progress is possible it takes years, first learning to set boundaries then learning that after doing that nobody can hurt you anymore. I just realized that recently I'm hurting myself by thinking I might get abused again not trusting anybody. I wish more men would listen these podcasts as the more pressure they put on they more the DA will withdraw. It's also a communication issue, don't take it personally, let the DA withdraw and initiate sex and not you just this trick helps. Of course, most men start sex and that's the problem with the DA . Again sex pressure again dominance over them. I think communication and compromising would help immensely but for this 2 are needed Well I work on it. I'm learning dances although I need 3 years process to get out of my head and follow easier. I meditate and go for walks. I see progress yes cause 5 years ago i wouldn't even let guys so close to be dancing this soft dance. I did the same with salsa courses and I'm enjoying it now being good at it and having no thoughts when doing it and no thoughts at all are great for a change 👍 every creative process is grounding
This is gonna sound weird... i watched this video when u released it and i ended up getting a major panic attack... i guess reality can be a hard pill to swallow
My DA Partner had several casual partners before we started dating. She was able to separate the emotions from the sex. She never became attached or involved with many of these people. We're long distance and TMI, she talks about it often with me.
Thais, God bless you, girl. Wow. Thank you for doing these videos. I thought I was going crazy. I feel like a piece of furniture that’s in an inconvenient location or like an unwanted roommate-rarely a wife and life partner.
My DA started off so hot/heavy, but once my AP/FA tendencies got involved in her life; helping, supporting, listening, etc.. I ended up in the friendzone. It's been two years + still living together and wish we could rekindle like at the beginning. As of now, I rather get my 'needs' met elsewhere in order to avoid arguments/rejection. She's aware we've become less exclusive. Is it healthy to just drift apart rather than a full breakup if you still love a person deeply but don't want to pressure them?
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If you're here wondering why your partner isn't interested in you. The is s your reminder that it's not you, it's them
Dismissive avoidant people want the security of a relationship without the intimacy. Intimacy requires vulnerability. If we need to always be in control and avoid being vulnerable with our partners then we miss out on the joy that closeness and intimacy can bring. Fear of intimacy is the predominant subconscious pattern with DAs in close relationships.
😶😶 "security without intimacy"😞
I am like this but I never saw it as missing out. I have no desire to be emotionally intimate with someone. Maybe it's because it was voided in my household and my first real bf was emotionally abusive. But I actually see ppl in love as weak. It may abnormal to a lot but this is normal to me.
Intimacy, Yuck, the ugliest word in the English language
@@CatEyedGoddess Hi. Your point interests me as a secure attacher. I understand how your past would shape your beliefs this way but I would ask you to consider this from a purely logical standpoint. From that place, would you agree that sharing who you really are with someone involves taking a risk? Would you agree that there is a chance you could get hurt or those things used against you? If this is true, then could it be that being emotional open is in fact the braver position as you are taking a chance? Could it not be viewed that the weaker thing to do is hide yourself?
@@mnqc5km3 I understand your point of view and I have tried. My first relationship was 4 years and he was verbal abusive and did get physical with me. He didn't beat me but he had no problem pushing, grabbing or punching me in my thigh. I found out from his girlfriend who got my # from his phone that they were together for 6 years. I wasn't hurt, I was relieved. I had no desire to be in another relationship after that . A few years later I met Mike and we definitely were into each other. So much so his gf picked up on it. We never did anything but we did talk about leaving her because he wasn't happy. She got pregnant, they got married. Still wasn't hurt by it. More recently I dated a guy I was friends with for a year. Everything was going well and then he ghosted me. Now that did hurt. I find out by a mutal friend it was because he was still hung up on an ex from 6 years ago and I got over it. I figured love just isn't in the books for me. Which is fine as I don't know how to connect with ppl anyway. See I grew up without a dad. My mother didn't love me and had well over 30 bf's in and out the house. I had to learn how to depend on myself, everytime I ever depended on someone they let me down. Why would I ever depend on anyone for anything? How can I miss love when I have never had it. And all I ever what from my mother is that one thing and all I got was hate. You have to understand that daily I was yelled at by my mother that I was the worst thing that happened to her, I was a waste, I ruined her life, I should have been aborted etc etc. There was no affection or spending time together. I stayed in my room all the time. My mothers house had to look like no child lived there. More recently Matt (a guy a work) revealed that he liked me. With hesitation I decided to take a change.Guess what happened....... nothing!!! So love is worth it to you probably because you grew up with it and had success with it. I have not. Being strong is surviving my childhood not giving in to the urge to kill myself from 16-26, not being anything like my mother and understanding that I'm so emotional f***** even though I have a desire to have children I probably shouldn't have any. I haven't given up on love I just know it's not for me. It's what is known as a callous heart. Be blessed you can love because you were loved. I have not been so lucky.
Spent 3 years with a DA. I’ll post what I saw: 1) she rarely initiated. Maybe 2/100 times. She also never flirted or knew what foreplay was.
2) she had difficult time saying what she wanted or how she was feeling. I had to question her in order to get a sense that she was participating in the endeavor.
3) sex most definitely declined the closer we became as a couple and the more vulnerable she was. Towards the last year of the relationship, she never initiated.
4) the first 6 months of the relationship was the best sex. Not because of frequency, but because of her passion and involvement. I found it odd that the more I knew what she liked and did the things that got her off easily, the less interested she seemed in sex!
Thank you for sharing, very interesting insights
I could have also written that word for word. At the start of our 8 year relationship she was always initiating, but as time went on it came to an abrupt halt. On the occasions l tried to discuss with her not just the frequency but the absence of her initiating compared to the first 8 to 12 months, she would get defensive and say " well everyone goes at it like rabbits in the beginning". I guess l would've much rathered consistency than that initial burst. It seemed to become a chore for her, in later years l really felt like she had used sex as a way to draw me in. But after watching this l now understand she may be dismissive avoidant.
This sounds like a narcissist to me, not a DA
GayleneFlower you know, I wouldn’t have considered that had it not been for a recent interaction with her where she attempted to gaslight me. Now I’m not so sure if it’s DA or NPD or a mix.
@@gayleneflower398 I disagree with that, there was no mention if abuse, put downs, etc. Just withdrawing. What a dismissive avoidant would do.
My DA is male and definitely pulled away from sex after some months . I used to internalize it but I do have good self esteem so I knew it wasn’t me because I am an above average sexy woman( not tooting my horn), but I knew it wasn’t me. I was lucky to be friends with his best friend and in speaking with the friend I realized he was afraid I would disappoint him like people usually do, so what I did was give him space. Over time he would do things like PDA, introduced me to everyone in his circle, always call. He is always present. I’ve just learnt when it’s important for him to have space and time to himself and give him that, which he truly appreciates. In general though my personality or attachment style is that I don’t require a lot of togetherness as I do value me time so it’s easier for me to not take it personal when I see that he just needs some space. The fact is I love him very much knew it when we first met, and the love is reciprocal so it’s really not hard to provide for him in the way he needs love as he does the same for me.
Great video. I hope this helps somebody.
I am really glad to read this from you. I am a DA with so many of the things described in this video, and recently ended a long relationship with an anxious partner... I wanna improve in my behaviours and i am willing to put in as much work as i can, but i know that no matter what i Will Always be a bit like this... And It Is really conforting to read from you that It Is possible to have a functioning relationship where the other person can be Happy too and doesnt interpret the Need for space we have sometimes as a rejection. Very hopeful, thanks for writing this
Are you two still together?
@@PuolikuuIrene same as you. I could have written this.
Thanks for writing this. Comforting to hear as someone with da traits (but also some fa traits). I have never been able to picture myself in a relationship.
@@PuolikuuIrene Why do you need space though? What goes on in your head?
Pattern 1) open at the beginning of relationship and then begin to pull away when they become more and more volunerable
Pattern 2) sometimes they feel sex is some kind of commitment
Pattern 3) to be in their body, they live in their head, they are analytical
Pattern 4) they live their life in fight or flight, their in there head
Pattern 5) they don’t have a love language around physical touch
Tips to help DA with this:
A)min 9:20 practices for DA to be able to feel more: Vipassana meditation/ normal meditation/ Body Scans
B)for DA : practice vulnerability over time to be able to strengthen relationships (programming technique)
C) breath work to get you out of your sympathetic nervous system to your parasympathetic nervous system or meditation with binaural beats, painting, (things that are creative) things that force your mind to slow down and for you to be more present
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!
Thanks, this is really helpful!
Vipissana meditation does wonders! Sometimes I throw in a full body scan at the beginning by imagining I'm in water and a plug was pulled and now the water is draining down from my head, now its down to my ears, my mouth, my neck.. and down down, down until it soaks into the earth. It feels good! I'm more present since I started meditating daily, more calm , clear
This video opened my eyes in such a huge way. I have been with my DA husband for six years now. Our sex life started to dwindle after the first one or two months i felt rejection constantly and internalized it. I was bullied as a child about my looks, so, of course, assumed it was me. I decided I was gross and that my husband must not even want to have sex with me. Anyone can imagine how this would make someone feel, and I’ve dealt with it for 5 1/2 years now without understanding what the hell was going on. I can’t thank you enough for this video. It has explained so much to me and truly made me realize that it is not me. I just could not understand the lack of a sex drive, not to mention I would find out he was masturbating, but yet not initiating sex with me, which was a real punch to the gut. Internalized this, as he would rather pleasure himself, then have sex with me, because of how I must look gross. The effect this has had on my self-esteem in the last few years is huge. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel very introverted and alone. This understanding will help me there.
This is my situation but 17 years.
Me too! For 19 years
It breaks my heart to read you because I’ve been there and the feeling is horrible. No one should put up with these kind of rejection. Sending love ❣️
This is unfortunately so relatable. We're at almost 3 years without any intimacy and at this point I don't even want it. Being with a DA has changed ME and they way I HAVE TO show up in this relationship because I crave closeness and connection so this is like death to me. I've had to basically adapt an avoidant attachment to HIM so that I don't fall apart.
18 years. Later in the relationship, I realized that we weren’t having sex (when it DID actually happen), he was masturbating, and I was simply the receptacle.
The damage DA’s do is indescribable and long-lasting.
I've been married to a DA for 7 years. Separated for a year now. Sex really became very awkward and she always seemed very disinterested. I recently had a conversation with her where I described how I was never given any type of clues when and if she even desired sex from me. I always felt as if she didn't want me and that definitely caused a lot of outside issues with our marriage. Intimacy was a foreign language to her and I never felt the closeness I wanted from her. It was a very difficult thing to deal with. I like flirtiness and romance and none of that was really a factor within my marriage for several years ... I'm glad I came across this video. At least I know I'm not alone.
Maurice Perkins yes same here. Never any clues that she desired me.
Nope, not alone. My ex wife was DA and i was with her for 9 years. Almost the exact same story as yours.
I took me a long time to be comfortable with myself and my sexuality after that experience. I'm glad i found people like Thais and LOTS of data about how common unfortunate situation is.
Maurice Perkins dame here. We’re going on 9 years and it’s always been real awkward.
The way to do it is just say, " when can I have a sex night"? I really need it, and she will say, friday. Ok, so I wait till friday. A glass of wine will relax things for both. And that's it. That is what work's for me. One more thing, don't say anything romantic, just keep quiet.
@@rafael55 thanks for your insight. I actually tried that too, she would literally have an anxiety attack the day of and things would just get more awkward. Planned intimacy was a disaster for me, but I'm glad things worked out for you.
Does anyone find them pulling away after sex. Especially when things get deeper emotionally and sometimes not seeing you again until they feel like they have control idk
yes, almost every time...
Brittany P I’ve noticed over the years that in the next day or so after we have sex, my DA seems to pick a fight in order to distance.
@@donnawhittaker5197 mine picked fights too.
absolutely. mine even gets insomnia sometimes. But, a glass of wine before activity helps a lot.She will also fight the next day.
Yes, avoidants come across as control freaks because their afraid of allowing themselves to become vulnerable and avoid even being on the same level. I have experience with possibly the most extreme of avoidant women. They ran from their culture family and countries and did quite a number on me but I suppose I had to get worse before I got better.
My boyfriend has only been intimate with me once in the past year. I got him to hold my hand for a couple of minutes yesterday which was actually good progress. We have been together for 5 and a half years. I just thought he really didn't want me. But he keeps telling me he does want to be with me. As an anxiously attached person I feel extra, extra triggered by the constant rejection. Sometimes the main thing I think about all day long is how lonely and rejected I feel. I already felt starved when I got into the relationship. Now I am a black hole! Hurt people, hurt people. He could brighten my day so much just by coming over and giving me a hug but I always have to ask him for the smallest affection- and then it is only a very quick hug or kiss. I feel trapped because I love him so much. And I am seriously starving inside my heart and soul every day. It is a very hard way to live!!!
I'm sorry, I've been there. I hope it got better and you're healing. also, you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel beautiful and I'm sorry you've felt so isolating and rejected. 💕
I am in the same boat and in that black hole as well. My first few years were like Cindfuckinrella and then out of the blue we moved overseas for his job and then everything fell apart. He cheated on me and lied about it and now I'm stuck with a DA and I feel so lied to that he put on a good act who he was and that he was a secure person very intellectual. Now six years later I stayed and loved him and NEVER ever considered divorce. The past six years have been a living hell as he is unable to communicate yet does individual counseling but I NEVER see improvement! He deflects and turns everything back at me. I am an anxious attachment but I am in therapy and have done so much work on myself. You share info with my DA and all you get is defensiveness and I'm told you're not the psychologist Sam. I dive in to find the answers to WHY my life ended up this way and now I know that a DA is the worst to want to feel closeness from. It literally hurts and I cry everyday wondering why he won't do the simple things like a hug or a real kiss. I'm at the point now of walking away for my personal mental health. I love him with all my Heart but it is so unhealthy for me to stay anymore. My therapist sees me being re traumatized living like this and it's just sad. I never imagined having to leave someone I still loved with all my heart. Hugs to you...keep your head up and find Joy in this Life. We do deserve the basic love we are asking for.
Obviously this person your with is Avoidant and the most important thing is there on a spectrum! There capacity to be affectionate and loving is very low so that’s why they picked you because your dynamic is giving …. So if you think about it Has nothing to do w you not the way you look not the way you talk they are just a low affectionate low loving people! So the question is are you gonna be ok w this or are you gonna let go and find that love that affection with yourself or a secure person
I hope you walked?
LEAVE. run!
They desire intimacy just like everyone else but they are fearful of experiencing it due to past childhood traumas that has the mental script of not receiving enough love being written in their minds.
@Ocean Flower Why so? Males also possible.
@Ocean Flower Yeah male.
What if they were taken advantage of? Wouldn't they close ofd ENTIRELY?
I’m DA and my husband is Anxious Preoccupied. I’ve just recently discovered about attachment styles. Now I understand the push and pull dilemma that we’ve had over the years. We have done years of marriage therapy and our therapist obviously had no clue about this.
Be gentle with him. Eventually he'll be disrespected at work and ignored at home and will authoritatively tell everyone to kiss his fat keaster. lol
I’m currently first year psychology student and we actually learn about attachment theory in our first semester. That’s actually really alarming that your therapist didn’t pick up and identify those patterns because I pick up those patterns in others around me in my life and I’m not even a qualified therapist yet.
Therapist have no clue about a lot of stuff. It's so sad. I'd never use a therapist that graduated more than 10 years ago. I think education has improved a lot since then but still there are people who just shouldn't be therapists.
Most therapists are just pathetic
That poor guy. Have you changed your evil ways? Or at least told him he can find himself a nice younger woman on the side to release his stress?
My fiancee moved out this weekend. Only after, she mentioned dismissive avoidance. Now I am here in tears understanding so much more what she was facing. I am crying, and still thankful for this video❤️
☹ I feel for you. I broke up with someone because I am DA. Believe me, it's not her fault and from my perspective/experience, I am always walking away from people I love and then still think about that one person I'll never be able to give what they need
I’m sorry , it is very painful , I had an over a 2 year relationship with one ! Whom I was in love with after a very long friendship ! I never knew until after he broke up with me ! Do not blame yourself ! It’s good she knows who she is ! Because my didn’t ! Even though she moved out 😞 you have info and tools now , if you both decided to move forward ! If not just focus on loving yourself! You are very valuable ! ♥️🙏🏾
Update?
Yeah I want an update too.
I (a DA) feel like my mind commands my body, as opposed to coexisting with it, and the only times I feel reasonably comfortable in it are when doing science (not physical or emotional), heavy weightlifting and martial arts (physical expressions of power, not vulnerability). Your comment on us being in a subtle fight or flight mode 24/7 made it clear why.
Are you a workaholic ?
@@deedee7780I’m finding out they tend to be. Hearing physical expressions of power is very insightful. Thanks😊
@@deedee7780Oops. Wrong person tagged.
My last relationship was with a DA, but he was very touchy and lovey when it came to sex. He also told me that he wanted marriage and kids and all of that. As time went on, I saw how sweet he was only when we were in bed. He loved cuddling, kissing, holding. He'd hold my hand kiss my forehead, etc.. But once I left, he would just shut down and act like it was all nothing. It got really bad bc I was going through serious situations such as mourning of family and friends who passed away while he and I were involved. He just went cold. Me being ultra vulnerable made him react in the opposite way. It was so hard, because that was when I needed support the most. Even with him constantly hurting me, I always thought that it was me..and I lost myself while trying to help him. This went on for months, and since I am more anxious, I blamed myself and started getting scared that I did something wrong. It was the most mentally stressful relationship that I have ever been in.
You were suffering from codependency and savior complex, self abandoning your own needs and wants to keep him happy.
I had exactly the same experience, hardly recovered after this sh.....These kind of people will never be changed, run away from them as fast as possible, girls, otherwise you will be totally ruined. TOTALLY!!!!
FACTS!!!!!!
@@dutchgirl5467 can you please be kinder with your words. I understand that you were hurt by a DA. But making such assumption that 'these people can't be changed' for ALL the DAs out there only makes it difficult for the DAs who are trying to heal difficult. Not all of us are monsters or anything, even if it gave you the impression or so. So please, be kind
@@TRex-ph7qh good luck with your trying 🙈🤪
Hey Thais. Would love to see a video "How to express need towards a DA/FA partner". Find this topic nowhere else. Generally constructive communication with avoidant styles without triggering or activating them, while still discussing hard topics like intimacy, powerstruggle, emotional balance, would be extremely demanded. Thank you!
YES YES YES!!!! I’d love to see such a video!!!
Agree 100%. These are complex and important topics.
Why are you saying “da/fa” as if the two styles are interchangeable, they’re very different.
Yes,please! Would love a video on this topic!
@@jtabal100 a forward slash is only an informal way of saying “or,” it’s not an implication that the words on each side of it are interchangeable.
This doesn’t help those of us involved with D/A types. If they don’t want to work with us or change, we can’t do the work for them. After 7 years of no intimacy in my marriage and him not wanting to work with me or get help, I gave up and divorced him.
Yess, the world is full of people, It's easier to find people without an avoidant attachment! No one should expect anyone to change, they won't change.
Yes, know your worth!
Good on you. Hope you're happier. Or at least not unhappier.
same here
yesss lady, well done! you walked 👏🏻 💜
I’ve had so many failed relationships because of this. I am DA. Finally I found someone who understood this. We see each other twice per week and really gives me space. This is the opposite of all my previous partners. They smothered me and chased me. So, romance, intimacy and love were all faked on my part to so as to not hurt them. But it was exhausting. Now, I enjoy sex. Because it’s rare. There’s no pressure. And I’ve never been so connected with someone. It’s hard work but we do the work to make it work.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I feel like there’s hope for me & my DA boyfriend. We’ve been dating in & off for years, it has been so difficult to understand him. I’m happy to find these videos and read that it can work if you find someone who will understand. I want to have a healthy relationship..super encouraging.
This is good on your part as a DA but I wonder what would your partner say honestly?
@gary so does it make it worse for my FA/DA if I continue to tell him how much I like him and reassure him? Tel look ok not going anywhere, etc?
@@carmenl8777 Yeah it’s nice to be told these things but not too often. I call it ‘love bombing’ when my gf does this too much. It causes me to panic and want to escape from the relationship. It’s so tough for her.
@@senseijen8963 My partner understands this. Fortunately, we are both trainee therapists so we know how to communicate. She would like more of me but I cannot give anymore. I am in therapy though and working on this issue.
You said "practice vulnerability over time" and I literally groaned. I want to but I don't want to.
Quite right. Why would anyone want to? Especially as the rewards are, in my view, not that rewarding.
@@joygibbons5482 if you feel that way that's fine but just don't waste anyone's time.
The 1 year mark is spot on! That's when the pulling away for it started.
I thought that to bring her coffee in bed in the mornings would make her appreciate me more and help her open up with me. I thought that giving her a kiss and hug before me leaving for work would confort her. I also thought that treating her like a princess was a non fail way of making her adore me. Now I learned that it is the other way around. We have to learn to keep away as much as possible, give plenty of space and do nothing to enhance intimacy. The distance we keep will make them open up, and permit them to relax. Their avoidance is the sign that we are forgetting to maintain distance. It's kind of a hassle, and if you don't want to play this stupid game, find another partner that is not DA. One thing is sure, -We are not going to fix them- And it seems that a lot of DA's will never change. I wish I had known about this when I was young. The only way I have found to maybe make the relationship better is to give the A LOT of space. Limmit the afection you give as much as you can, and maybe they open up. In other words, be avoidant and they will probably relax and open up to some extent.
Have you tried actually being honest with them and making them actually feel secure rather than bringing breakfast in bed and other subtle ways? Subtle ways don’t work and over compensating like that will likely keep them pushed away. I float between FA and DA and am somewhere inbetween. Best relationship I’ve ever had my girlfriend sat me down, shut me up and told me how much I meant, how she felt about me, why she felt about me and what she wanted out of the relationship. It was like flipping a switch. I was wholely and fully committed to the relationship. The relationship ended up ending for other reasons than my own vulnerability when trust ended up broken elsewhere.
@@jimmygee3219 I've tried everything that has ocurred to me. We have been together 40 years, counting our almost 5 year courtship. In 2005 I was going to leave her, she told me she still loved me, so I stayed. Recently I discovered about the attachment styles, and for the first time I understand what's happening. What works for me is being semi avoidant with her, thats not my nature but it works. Funny thing is, when we go on a vacation she's ok. The one time I confronted her she told me to find someone more open to affection.
rafael55 thats rough and hard as it’s been so long. Ultimately it needs to be an effort on both parts. The use of the word “confrontation” is concerning. I find the best successes with me were a very open dialogue that didn’t have fingers pointed at me. Just open conversations. Now I’m not saying it was hostile and after it going on for so long I’m not sure that will happen now. Have you tried therapy? Either together or separate?
@@jimmygee3219 I went to therapy 20 years ago, It was hard but the results were great for me. One day after a year and two months, my therapist said, "now it's time for your wife to come". My wife said no, she said, she knew she needed to go but she was not brave enough. My therapist said; if I were you I'd get another wife. I didn't, and were ok now that I understand a little about the attachement styles. I know she need distance, so I give distance.
rafael55 yeah that’s tough man, keep your head up and keep doing you. It’s not easy. She appreciates it more than you know, even if she has a hard time showing it. Keep your head up but don’t sacrifice your sanity.
I just want to share that you have really changed my life and helped me get over my ex who is an avoidant. It’s been 7 months of feeling sad, wondering why about a lot of things… and these videos helped me to understand what he was feeling a lot more. Thank you so much for your videos!
I think there are only certain people who can bare with da people. You must learn not only a different form of patience but you also have to know how to communicate with them so they feel safer with you. It requires a lot of persistence, effort and time. Certain things you just can’t take to heart because it is natural to them and they often don’t know that they are affecting you. Almost like when children make bad choices effortlessly because they can’t differentiate between good and bad. ( not saying that it acceptable for grown folk) but we were all brought up differently and have different outlooks on things. I feel once they let their guard down they can make great lovers. But on the flip side…if you’ve tried your best and there is no change, walk away. They have to want to change as well.
Well said.
I am experiencing this with my partner...it is painful. Very painful. I have pretty good self esteem, and even with that, it causes one to ponder.😔
I am so happy to have found this video. This is my husband. I was so wrong and now I completely understand him. I think truthfully we are both like this and I’m amazed that we are still together. I’m feeling it must be true love after all. We have been together for twenty years. Thank you, I believe you have saved my marriage!!!❤️
You’re a great person for being so understand and compassionate. Inspiring and gives me hope!
1:00 start
2:40 start of relationship sex
4:20 reason of withdrawal of sex
5:20 #2 reason
9:20 for DA, get back into your body feeling
Thank you for explaining this.
Thank you and God bless you!
I dated several DAs and they all loved physical touch... seemed like that was the only way I could get through them (as they would rarely talk about their personal life). They definitely struggled with intimacy which is a bit shocking to a person (me) who wants and needs to connect.
Yup, last guy I dated was like that. Very physical and charming, but after a month, he started pulling away when I tried to connect on a deeper level through verbal communication. He has difficulty expressing his needs and feelings verbally. Found it awkward I have those conversations with him. Then he went hot and cold. I just couldn't handle it. Things ended after a few months because it was just unstable.
I'm DA but i strive very much for intimacy. I know i am terrified of it but im a pretty brave person and i sort of wants to "crack the case" and get closer. However, it's difficult to try and connect with people who doesn't even believe connection exist. 😞
@@annahager4752 that’s amazing
@@annahager4752 you’re doing great and i hope you’ll find someone who’s willing to connect with you on the deepest levels
@@Enchanteralle someone who is hot and cold is actually FA, not DA.
My DA has become very affectionate and I think more than anything, prayer works. This can definitely be fixed and they can feel safer in general if you pray for them and let them know you love them no matter what. I am anxiously attached and he actively cuddles with me, asks me how I’m feeling, notices new looks, randomly kisses me at times and slow dances with me in the kitchen. ❤️ I honestly cannot believe he is DA. He shared his secrets with me and knows that I love him regardless of whatever he thinks is wrong with him. Ever since opening up, we have made great progress with physical touch and therapy + prayer. Have worked 100% for us. I hope this provided comfort and reassurance for anyone else with this dynamic. ❤️ you don’t have to try, just pray and be there to catch them. It doesn’t have to be one sided either. They just have to feel secure in the moment.
Thank you so much for your post, it's very comforting, God bless.
It does help comfort. Then kyou
Absolutely prayers changes things, thank you for sharing this 🙏🏽🤍
I actively pray and hope we can get over this .. very hard for me … i am a Anxiously pre occupied and he is a DA .. he is very loving at times but definitely fears hurt that relationships can bring .. i do pour into him with assurance and positive things i tell him i appreciate him i pray 🙏🏾 things can get better cause my heart definitely can’t take it much more
I pray for the love of my life DA more than I pray for myself. He’s the most amazing man in the world. I had to leave our love story because once he fell in love avoidant went into overdrive. I had no idea what was happening, he’s 72 and should have shared with me. It was the most magical, fulfilling relationship for 4 months. I hadn’t fell in love in over a decade. I prayed for this. The more he loved me, the more avoidant he became. I still thank God I had him, if only for 7 months outta 62 yrs of life. He touched me to my core. I never had issue with his independence, I need to feel loved, he couldn’t do that. Bridges of Madison County worthy
With my ex, who was dismissive avoidant, was more in tune w his body and the experience in intimacy, yet did not over think anything. I have an anxious attachment style and didn’t realize either of these styles until it was to late and I was pushed out of the relationship. He was pursuing other women. Learning to heal. The book Attached is helping.
The guy I was dating withdrew after only a month. Lots of covert and spiritual narcissistic symptoms as well. I ended it!!!
I think sex is highly involved with emotional feelings, and dismissive avoidants are really good at separating carnal needs from emotions feelings; and the way I would describe it myself... once I start developing feelings for someone my sex drives go down drastically... it's feels like a 'shock'.... as if it were a threat to your emotional stability.. but you wont fight back nor flight away..... it's like a shock... all of a sudden you stop enjoying what you used to enjoy.
Krystina Romero hi, but can I ask you something? Do you think or managed to get that back without breaking up and still keeping the emotions?
@@tiagoguerreiro131 I have never married and I just broke up ... I have never had a relationship that lasted more than 2-3 years... and usually to get that back I have to breakup w the person... so I don't think so...
Krystina Romero thanks for your honesty. But quick question, did you have therapy? Did you want to change? You as a dismissive will always feel like that? I heard about couples who are together for many many years. So I think there is a way.
@@tiagoguerreiro131 I have go to therapy... but never for long enough... I didn't want to change in the past; but I want to change now.. I don't know if I will always feel like this... I also think there is a way :)
Krystina Romero hi! I feel like you just wrote this in the right time! That God sent you in my direction! I needed to read this. Especially because I read plenty of stories that demonised Dismissive avoidant sand made me feel hopeless.
My DA was addicted to porn, he’d rather masturbate than be with me. It was very disturbing. He made thousands of excuses, but I knew what was going on…
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
I love the fact she doesn't blink and gives direct eye contact during the entire video...feels like she's burning my soul and I love it
I've always thought about why I somehow loose attraction when I become "friends with someone" = emotionally closer, because thats usually how you deepen relationships, not loosen it. I prefer strangers over someone who I'm emotionally close with to sleep with
And I also just realized this is probably why i like 'cold'/bdsm sex because when I am in power or someone else, I know we're not on the same level, we are not close, it is more sterile, it is safe
Yup. My ex found me extremely attractive, almost praising me all the time, and he would always be erect around me, but when it came time to enter, he would go soft. He said he was too much in his head, and once told me he should just go and have a one night stand with some random chick to be able to get over whatever was stopping him from intercourse with me. We never ended up ever going all the way. He broke it off with me cause of our "differing political views" lol
My DA likes bdsm too. Probably the same reason as what you wrote.
I Have a friend that is DA. He is into bdsm. I think I stuck foot in my mouth he said he would own me. I said I was the other half of his heart. Haven't heard a word from him since
OMG, today I just found out that my ex is a typical Fearful Avoidant and I am a Dismissive avoidant. This video has just taught me so much about my self, I even thought I had a low sex drive to a level that I was considering getting testosterone tests.
I do not know if it is too late for my old relationship but thanks you so much for showing me who I am.
You just described my 17 year relationship with a DA. He changed around the year mark and it has been very detrimental. I would try everything to get our sex life on track to no avail to the point I stopped "working " on it. I became SO resentful and angry. Unfortunately, I ended up having affairs (I've done a lot of personal growth and therapy since) because I wasn't getting my needs met. I'm done carrying on my shoulders other people's issues that they need to work on. I'm still working on myself but these videos on DA are helpful. I believe I'm a FA and learned my love languages, values and boundaries.
1. Primary pattern - opennand sexual beginning, but as it demands being more vulnerable it make me feel trapped and like things Indont want to do.
Often feel like sex equals commitment.
1. DA feels like tending to not be in their body, dissociative. They really get in their head. Constantly thinking and analyzing. Not rooted and connected to their feelings and sensation to make it enjoyable. 2. They live in low state of flight or fight. Anxiety, reproduction and flight or fight are in opposition.
3. DA thinking about this or that rather than being in the moment and afraid of criticism. 3. Vulnerability - the more vulnerability in the relationship the more the partner tends to pull away. - if you feel rejected by your partner- emotions and feelings are somatic feelings in your body. Practice noticing those things.
4: practice vulnerability over time. Practice exposing yourself over time.
5. Binaural beats. To get you back into more presence and out of somatic fight or flight and into parasympathetic.
Really great video. My bf is a DA whereas I'm a FA. My favorite part of the relationship is sex & my love language is physical touch. My bf said he really doesnt care about sex and it's not that pleasurable to him. His love language is quality time.
The beginning of the relationship was sooooo intimate and I honestly get frustrated bc I can guarantee anytime I do try to initiate now, I will bet all the money I have that he will refuse it. Without a doubt. Whereas he is the only one who can initiate it, and it's so seldom when he does. That I'm pretty much desperate to that connection bc I put too much of my own self value into the sex.
We have both been working on ourselves after learning of our attachments but god it sucks.
I am a FA and she is a DA. The first 6 mo of our 1.5 yr relationship was good sexually. I was able to have her attention when we slept together, something I tried to get from her all the time but rarely did. I noticed thAt she was not an initiator or proactive. She rarely kissed during actual sex or said anything. She did seem to enjoy it but felt that it was my job to please me and her job to please herself. Over time sex frequency slowed and she complained about being kissed or touched too much. We seemed closer but she began to shut down even more emotionally.
@@misssford_4528 omg, thats the same with me. After 2 months it stopped. I didnt know he was a DA so I thought he was sleeping around.
Im also FA with physical touch being my love language. This is making me incredibly sad. On one hand, at least now I understand why he went cold. I perceived it as lack of interest, but then he's also around me all the time. Confusing AF. And then me being someone who needs physical touch to be a constant in a relationship... how does this dynamic even work? Can it work?
Same!!!!! We are 8 months in and sex was great first couple months then he kept rejecting me saying he prefers quality over quantity.... I’m not sure. I’m gonna stick around if this continues to decline. I am a very passionate person and being sexually frustrated is exhausting.
_sonflowerr _ If I knew 32 years ago what I know now about my DA Mrs, i would’ve made very different relationship decisions. I just now am learning about it and your story sounds like mine. It sucks! Let him go & move on w your life. You deserve to be in a happy, healthy & intimate relationship. Don’t settle for anything less. Life is too short.
Ma'am, I just found your videos today but I'm pretty sure the information you share just saved my marriage.
Your sneeze is the darndest thing! Thanks for being so honest, right to the point and lovely authentic... And so positive and non judgmental!!! Huge fan of your videos and I recommend them all the time! Love from Germany 🇩🇪
I’m so glad I found this video. 7 years in and all of this started happening. I was bewildered and confused. This all makes so much sense. I know there’s a lot of anger around DAs. They are a handful and can claim times seem like robots, but most are doing the best they can. I’d love more info on this topic!!!!
I'm so confused with what your supposed to do with this!!! This mentally messes with your head so much
Just: leave and get someone secure
they almost never initiate. the sex is kind of sterile and boring, more technique than feelings. no cuddling, no touching, rarely kissing, no pillow-talk, no holding, nothing. he didn't even want to talk about what he liked or asked what I might like. the sex itself seems passionate, but it's not. I always felt weirdly disconnected. afterwards he detaches immediately. he once told me "I normally won't let girls sleep afterwards in my bed" (we have been knowing each other for 2 years). They are not a fit for a relationship, not even for a short affair, since the sex is so boring.
I have been with someone for 6 months who is exactly as you describe. We have had actual sex 2 times. He needed me away from him right after both times. He has some issues staying physically aroused, as well, which I believe has added to DA problem.
@@jenniferpratt3545 Gooosh, it was exactly how you described in my case with my ex. like 100%
Right after sex, my ex told me he knew I was going to marry someone else. That made me burst in to tears instantly! If I initiated, he would make excuses and try get out of it. Ugh!
I agree with this. There was one or two times when this DA guy I was seeing was emotionally intimate during sex. He said later that it was too intimate and that it scared him, and that he was "too young" for that. (He was 24 lol). After that the sex became so technical, and he was never present in the moment. He was always just somewhere else entirely. It felt like having sex with a block of wood.
@@no1zzle3 That was such an asshole thing to say to you wow. That was inappropriate for him to share. I'm sorry. 😨 Love and peace to you 💕
Thank you, again, so much. You are a bright light.🌟 What a great service to us all.🙏 I am a dismissive type. I have been married for 20 years to a fearful avoidant type. My feelings have been locked up. It’s scary, rolling them out.
I am envious of your clients. They reach out for help. The love of my life hasn't. I am watching this video in the hope to help myself and him one day. Thank you!
Same here, my bf is DA...I'm FA, I've known he's DA for some time now but am afraid of bringing it up... i wish there was a safe way to tell him 😔
Oh my god, YES to this series!! Been waiting for it! Excited for the FA video, please talk more about the polar sides of it. Also curious about sexuality and attachment styles. Do FA’s and DA’s tend to question their sexuality more - because they are more disconnected from their bodies and emotions? Oh my god, I’m so excited for this series. xD
DA male here. Starting seeing someone new and I feel pretty present in bed while focused on her, but when the focus turns towards more me I tend to get in my head and start cracking jokes to mask any "vulnerability." I feel like I have to act. She'll be being pretty generous but I won't feel anything physically. Then I have to reassure her that it's not her. It sucks.
Hey man to man here, while doing those jokes etc does it help u last longer? If I start doing math in my head it takes me away for a min so I can keep going for her. I even resulted to drinking water until I had to piss and hold myself off just to get another 20 or 30 mins in ontop of what was already done. If it's tmi man sorry. 😂
@@daviedood2503 Did you properly read the comment?
Sorry for ur struggle. Try to include her with your issue. Honesty is the key to connection
It’s not just you that feels this way
Thanks for sharing
To all the DA's, Now that you know you're DA, I think you should try to work on yourself and avoid putting your partner into so much emotional pain. My husband of 8years is a DA and am just finding out through this video. You don't want to know what I've been through this past 8years. From cheating to defence mechanism, to lying to unremorsefulness! Am just tired and hurt!
You should leave
My father is DA, and I heard all the trauma my mother went through, sending you my best wishes
So great, 7 years later she loves me so much she refuses to be intimate! ..FANTASTIC.
I am on the same boat mate😂😂😂
The information you are generously giving to everyone is absolutely appreciated. I have read and listened to all of Stan Tatkin and Sue Johnson's books on Attachment. I have delved deep into the origins of Attachment and the psychological progress that has been made in using Attachment for relationships and self-understanding. Yours is the first delivery system that has brought all of this theory into personal knowledge for both my partner and me. All of this being said, I would like to offer you my services of sound and video processing for your vidoes. I am not sure how to reach out to you otherwise. Again the information is the best I have ever heard or seen. The sound and the videos could use a little love too.
Yes!
Bro that's what the DM's are for 😉
I’m soooo grateful that I saw this video, you changed my life I was so scared because I didn’t understand what I was experiencing (I’m dismissive avoidant)
I think I am just discovering that my bf is a DA. I took a test years ago before I started dating him and I got secure/ borderline anxious. But I feel that after being with him for 2 years I am more anxious. In the beginning I could spot his behaviors like silent treatments and know how to deal with them but after a while I started feeling like no matter what I did I couldn’t help. When I expressed my feelings revolved around feeling like he was being distant and we weren’t as intimate and I felt that he didn’t care about my interests and liked hanging with friends more then me, he would shut down and usually leave and go drink. And he would say things like, your “freak out”. After a while I did start having freak outs because no matter what I tried he would push me away and dismiss my feelings. He finally admitted to not feeling like sex and connection are connected in any way. That it’s cringe. And that he is just not in the mood anymore. When in the beginning, he was very sexual. Then slowly started becoming less and less over time. I am never considered anymore and he doesn’t like foreplay or kissing. Cuddling is more that he knows I want it. It’s become so hurtful and i dont know if I can deal with his opinion on relationships and intimacy in the long run. It feels like my mental health is suffering
As a DA, I definitely found myself retreating from my relationship when it became more personal and intimate. Examples of this were meeting family and friends, sharing past experiences or opening up about things that bothered me, and not sharing my religious beliefs because my faith means so much to me.
So true. I was with my ex DA for 5 yrs. I always had to initiate intimacy and he had a hard time orgasming. I left bc i felt neglected and unloved. Never want to be in that type of relationship again.
The sex ended pretty much after 2 months into the dating phase when I dated a DA. The next 5 months was maybe 3x.
Hard to believe, given how attractive u r Linda.....
I am AVD and you are pretty spot on. I avoid relationships altogether. I'll find an emotionally unavailable partner, enjoy sex for the first few months, end the situationship and that will last me for years. 20% of me does fear intimacy but because it makes me weak, 30% is because I really don't care. Sorry, I just don't. The other 50% is the fact it's not apart of who I am. Connecting with people is not something I think about often. Maybe from time to time and when I try to connect with people, I am looking for the exit real quick. I am amazed at AVDs who marry. I think I would die if I was married. In my head the very thought is too much. Being touchy and open is not how we were raised.
You need help!
What's AVD?
Thank you for sharing it helps understanding more
dierjran you should seek help to help close some of those gaps. Hopefully you’re being honest with the people you were involved with about where you stand and your not out hurting people otherwise if that life is serving you then be it as it may
@@karynakenyo5254 I know I need help. Been in therapy for years. My biggest achievement is not killing myself and or turning to drugs. You have no ideal the hell I grew up with. I told my mother I was molested when I was 6. I told her this when I was 16. Her response was to pretend I never said anything. So I had to deal with it alone, like everything else in my life with her. My mother has told me love is for the weak and she only had children to serve her. She had a new boyfriend every couple of weeks. Dude, I have a book of tragedies in my life and I always had to deal with insensitive comments from people like you who have the benefit of not knowing the hell that I survived in my life. You think it’s easy?! Did you grew up being told you were the spawn of satan? A mother that wouldn’t let you go to college because she said you were to stupid and retarded too do so? Those are mild examples btw. A more extreme one is being harassed by my mother to get pregnant at 15 by her 37 yo marry bf so she wouldn’t have to have her tubes untied. So yeah I need fucking help. Mind you. I have more examples like this.
I live with a boyfriend for five years. I figured out for myself that he had Asperger's. He would never engage in sex but he would spend a lot of time watching pornos and getting himself off. He just never wanted to engage sex with me so I had to pack my stuff and leave because he didn't want to change things and I couldn't go on. It was very hard because we had a close relationship but outside of wanting to cheat on him I just decided that I had to leave and find somebody else or I was going to lose my mind. I find your video very insightful thank you very much
When my husband was trying to win me I had no idea he was like this. I actually married him because it was the best sex I had ever had !! Wow . So wonderful . And as soon as we got married that was it . He has been avoiding me ever since. It used to be once every 2 months for about 20 years . Very little in the last 20. It has been 5 years right now. This means no touching of any kind . No kissing . no sitting near me. Nothing .
Same here. But mine is a narcissist for sure, so maybe comorbid, idk.
When they flip a switch right after marriage, that sounds EXACTLY like Covert Narcissism.
Narcissists are withholding in every aspect inside and outside the bedroom. Intimacy, como!iments, affection, praisr, credit or achknowledgement, support, understanding, validation.
They are selfish, self absorbed, self impirtant, self gratifying, self centered, self obsessive, self focused, self self self.. If you notice this pattern in your partner it's time to educate yourself as emotional withholding is ABUSE, sexual withholding is emotional and psychological abuse,, withholding money is financial abuse, it's TOXIC and it's never going to change. Sharing is caring ✌💗
Why did you stay that long. I’m pretty sure these DAs get cheated on a lot.
You should definitely find someone better, unless you're happy with being legally bound friends for the rest of your life... I'd really try to evaluate exactly what "kind" of love you have for *each other*. In my opinion, though it's not my business, I'd say that it needs to be mutual, but hey, maybe you're okay with settling for someone who sees you as a friend or even treats you like a stranger. You should be sure to decide what type of relationship meets your criteria and make sure it suits your needs, it sounds like it can't be doing that if the man doesn't even hold your hand every once in a while! Just remember, it's never too late to start over, and sometimes, being alone and happy with yourself is a much better feeling than settling for someone who doesn't value you enough to put forth the effort in the relationship to fulfill your needs, leaving you thinking, "jeeze, what did I miss out on for this?!" It's definitely worth trying to communicate with him over, if you haven't already, and if you have, maybe try again? The best that could happen is he puts in the effort to let you know that you are loved and valued by him, and the worst that could happen is that he shows you exactly how he does not love and value you as he should be and you deserve better!
Honest question...But why stay if your not getting your needs met?
Thank you for clarifying and validating why this man was stepping away and is Avoidant.
When you described the common response you get of DA's "I don't know what's wrong, I don't want to hurt and offend my partner, I feel ashamed and guilty" I really felt that. That's what my DA partner expresses around his sexual performance. He's spotting the issue, and wanting to resolve it, but not making the connections. I would love to know what questions I could ask when he raises the topic, to get a deeper understanding with him. What are suggestions?
I have been asking questions like "what would you prefer/what can I do?" But I feel like even then I am pushing whilst it's the opposite of what you want to achieve. It's hard because you love your SO and you want to make sure they are not hurt but in doing that it's exactly what you are describing. Honestly, if anyone has advice let me know please
Thank you for sharing @everyone. I thought for the longest time that I was doing something wrong every step of the way. The truth is that making a difference in yourself is all that matters.
I tend to be pretty anxious preoccupied in the beginning of a relationship but then as the intimacy deepens I can become more avoidant. It really depends on the level of vulnerability and intensity that I experience from the other person. If they are highly vulnerable than I get overwhelmed and tend to pull back, but if they aren’t vulnerable enough then that’s also not comfortable for me and I want them to lean in. I suppose I’m in the ambivalent category - don’t come to close and don’t go too far away.
Sounds like you're Fearful Avoidant.
Yes, fearful avoidant. It is both styles mixed together.
@@Feliciations What does disorganized look like? Is it the same thing?
I have read the comments but this does not help partners of these strange beings! I wanted some hope but it doesn't appear there is such a thing unless you want to live without intimacy and sex the rest of your life... Guess I'm getting OUT
GayleneFlower there is hope what is being recognized here has to be explained to the DA. With that said they have to be open and willing to want to come out of such state. Someone in the comments said they are a DA and now realized being armed with this info what the issue was with them destroying their past relationships. I’m dealing with a DA now and most if not all of her videos now explains what I have been experiencing. So I’m taking my knowledge of who they are in hopes I can share at the right time if the universe presents itself for me to do so. I need to be careful and prayerful in my approach. Only if I see a future will I invest the time and energy. I’m a FA and now I get our dynamics. Blessings to you
I agree. What a miserable existence this would be to stay with a partner like this. The very nature of your affection and love makes them want to run away from you.
Yea this gave me reassurance it wasn’t me and I am glad I left him. How terrible. Do they not realize they do this to people? And if they do - maybe they should seek help. I couldn’t not imagine.
@@lynnblack7511 how’s that work out for you? I’m thinking of doing the same when I come out of no contact with him
@@jjc2323 we no longer speak but quite great full for the experience of having the DA in my life at the very time of discovery attachment styles. He wasn’t going to be my forever man so I didn’t invest the time to explore it with them. I set boundaries and stuck to it so they exited stage left. It opens up for the one.
My DA and I made it 2.5 years pretty much honeymoon and in this together but as soon as regular life conflict happened, she couldn't handle talking to me for fear of my anger emotionally charged response that she told herself would be the case and she started closing me out and when I questioned it and asked for time together, she dismiaswd me and told me I was being paranoid and insecure. It was a bad cycle throughout last year and I hate that there's nothing I can do to change her beliefs about my thoughts or feelings. I feel like a hamster spinning on a wheel being starved
The more of these videos I watch, the more I wonder what the point is in continuing my relationship with my DA. The longer were together (2 years) the farther away he goes. In almost every aspect. But when we try to break up he can't seem to handle that either. Always coming by, calling, sending love songs. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.
I’m 5 years in with a DA and it doesn’t get better. All these videos are basically instructions on how to make THEM feel safe and good so that they hopefully someday maybe possibly will open up. What about us?
He can still easily go from “you’re the love of my life” to ignoring me completely for days when I get upset at him. He acts as if my emotions and feelings are a burden or inconvenience to him.
If I’m angry because of something he did, he will simply walk away and avoid me until I get over it and my need for him overpowers my anger at what he did to me.
It eats at your self worth and you start to wonder what’s wrong with you, then soon enough you’re constantly wondering what’s wrong with you. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone
@@breck6520 Exactly. I feel this 100% You begin to apologize for your reactions when they mistreat you, just to have peace. You walk on eggshells and you end up feeling like an over reacting burden when in fact, anyone would be off balance with this kind of treatment. I was told so many times I was being dramatic, selfish, passive aggressive, etc. And they never, ever apologize. If he even acknowledged doing something wrong without accusing me of making a big deal out of nothing, an apology was never forthcoming. It really does ruin your self esteem.
@@marcd2743 Yes! We do anything to avoid that painful conflict! He did a number on me, in that I really began to wonder if I was just a needy, passive aggressive burden because that's how he portrayed me, to me. So defensive, so righteous. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that all his failed relationships (which I was supposed to understand and make up for) were probably his own doing?? And the absence, the utter ease with which he could just put me out of his life for days, a week despite what that did to me. It is so impressive to me, so real when someone can sincerely apologize for anything. I can forgive most things, as long as I know the remorse is real and the desire to fix things is there. Nope, he just had to be right. Would bring up arguments from years prior and when I'd say that we had already resolved that issue, he'd look at me surprised and admit he just wanted to win the argument at hand. It was such a turn off, like dating a 12 year old. I believe they are emotionally stunted. Never again. They'd have to be in deep therapy for me to even consider risking my own mental health again that way. I totally understand the not wanting to keep trying. You end up wondering even when it's good, how long it will last. :(
It only gets worse over time. Get out if you can as you will end up feeling like you live with a stranger.
Wow wow wowwwwww, this video literally gave me the answers I needed to why I’ve been feeling this way towards having sex with my boyfriend (felt this way too with my ex, after the 2 year mark) WOW thank you SO MUCH. I had absolutely no idea. I got blood work done thinking I had low libido because of estrogen levels etc. I’m so so happy, I can work on this. I miss being in my body, I truly want to heal and be present in sex. I’ve been struggling with this feeling for months now and didn’t know what was going on. You described it perfectly. Thank you again :)
How is it going? Would love to hear about your progress!
@@deedee7780 ever since this video I’ve brought it up with my therapist/ spiritual mentors and I’ve been actively working on feeling SAFE with intimacy. I’ve also learned not to shame myself and grow more self compassionate in the moments I do feel triggered. This can be a gift to allow yourself to feel true intimacy, Not even with/ for a partner but for/ with yourself. Also, women get in the mood 10 minutes after sex, so I’ve also just let my body get there. I’ve been trying other sexual fantasies to ge my juices flowing. I’ve also been actively working on being vulnerable within friendships, etc etc.
@@deedee7780 Thanks for asking 💗 I completely forgot about all my growth
@@princessdianaox That sounds amazing!! I wish you all the best on your healing journey! :)
@@deedee7780 thank you!! Like wise 💗💗💗 may this year be healing for us both
Being DA I’ve always enjoyed the novelty of of flings. All of my flings have become the beginning of my relationships and none of my relationships have ever evoked committed love or even relished a desire to be close with them. The longer I stay in a relationship the more I feel terribly lonely. I know I can fix this myself and one day I will have vulnerable healthy relationships. However I’d rather be alone then in that self Imposed hell.
How can you fix yourself? Do DA's even realize they are messed up?
@@gayleneflower398 do you have a problem?
GayleneFlower Therapy and feeling comfortable enough to work on yourself actually helps. As a DA admitting to vulnerability it’s tough to do and it takes a while to open up. You didn’t have to be harsh like that DA’s are still human and they navigate emotions a different way.
This is love without sex and sex without love. What triggers you in the DA is in you, life is a mirror... Attachments .
My DA broke up w me 2 years ago from our close and committed relationship. Six wks after break I reestablished contact and we continued to see each other but he was comfortable seeing me only casually but exclusively- no longer verbally expressive or initiating contact, but comfortable w a physical relationship. After 2 years of this I began to push for more but he would insist he needed to keep things “simple.” A month ago I pushed harder, asking him to make a choice, and he told me to move on...in a text. I felt so hurt and rejected I lashed out and accused him of using me as a FB. I deeply regretted my cutting words and apologized but he hasn’t talked to me since- that was 4 weeks ago. I miss him but with his defenses and trust issues I don’t know if he’ll want to see me again or even trust me at all. Hurts my heart.
Summer you deserve better, sorry to him but it’s definitely his loss. Give yourself time, maybe try a secure partner it’s better than being at the mercy of someone who doesn’t “know thy self” or tries to. Like why’s he so worth it, what about the fact that he’s hurting you?
The key word is "push". You pushed. That's why people become avoidant in the first place, because of "pushers".
@@GeorgideMarne If it weren't for the "pusher's" as you call it, the the DA would never "attach" in the first place. Also keep in mind the DA doesn't present initially as a DA, they can be quite alluring in the beginning. So fast forward 6mo, a year of 3 and the DA behavior radically changes, except now the SA is alarmed and can tilt into an Anxious attachment pattern.
@@GeorgideMarne no that's not the reasons. That makes no sense and oversimplifies avoidant attachment Styles.
I understand where you are coming from. But you publicly shamed your DA. And if you know anything about DA's, shame is big on their minds. I can't imagine the shame he must have gone through. As most DAs come from never having a secure connection in their lives, these little things hit them the hardest. They have never been secure, so to all the people talking about how he was an insecure partner, please try to understand the other side as well.
Hey Thais- could you do a video on how to encourage your DA to overcome fears and commit?
This explains a lot!!! We never had sex. He only initiated once early on and I turned him down because it was too soon. He broke up with me when I asked for us to finally be intimate many months later. He also didn’t like cuddling. I started to call him Robot man.
My DA gf viewed sex as just a physical act and seemed to be totally emotionless. She was emotionally unavailable also.
I think this is very typical from DA people. Sex is considered by them as a mechanical way to get physical pleasure, and they avoid by any means any behaviour during sex that could lead to emotional intimacy situations.
I have attachment trauma and total neglect in childhood, left to fend and survive for myself, everything going great until I was 15 and got depression, lost all my social connections and emotional attachments, I don't experience emotions or emotional needs for human contact, I have never had sex, intimacy or closeness because I'm completely incapable of experiencing any of it, had a breakthrough in the summer, dreams of as abandonment that set me free, I was strong and happy, functioning as a man again, I was starting to experience sexual attraction again and passed one girl where I experienced mutual love at first sight, the experience was so overwhelming my tears upped and I had to walk away from it, I had love in me again and I was showing it to be people, I was able to be social because I could express emotion I also had a nightmare that everyone but me was able to experience sex and intimacy but me, since then I regressed so far back I have become cold again, Im so disconnected I live inside my own head and slipping back into severe depression, I can barely go into town now or function in any social situation, almost 39, my life is screwed from childhood.
Reading all these comments make me want to cry (with relief). My ex DA never, ever initiated. I felt so unattractive, and undesirable. It messed with my head so much. Whenever I initiated, it felt so...unnatural because he seemed to be so uncomfortable. I got to a point where *i* stopped initiating. Went nearly 4 months without anything. After stating my feelings and gently asking what was going on, he blamed it on age??? (he’s 33 mind you) and low testosterone....??? (Never actually went to the dr. He just assumed). I didn’t realize this was common for a DA. I had been blaming myself and tearing myself apart for months for becoming comfortable in the relationship and not getting dolled up enough 😭😭😭 I started to convince myself that I didn’t need intimacy or cuddling ever (which is SO not true for me). Our bedtime routine would be one kiss then he’d call his dog on the bed who literally slept between us, then he would turn his back to me and fall asleep.
I feel your pain Lindsey! I wish you all the best in your future. 😊
Same scenario for me. I saw he had the capacity to be affectionate to the dog but not to me. Thought I was disgustingly jealous but found out he’s a DA. I’m secure and DAs turn me into anxious attachment.
Yup thats almost my story as well ... so its not us its them and we were trying sooo hard to love and impress them honestly its sooo hurtful
Lindsey, I am really sorry to read that, indeed that is how DAs do it and please have in mind that this has nothing to do with your attractivity. The lack of initiative is so specific and it is caused by the fear/shame that it might not be the most wonderful act ever. The main action to do for a DA in this case is to actively initiate, but unfortunately not many people with this attachment style know about having it nor find it useful to change.
@@garrettgrimes7561 thank you :) I, too, wish you well!
I'm going through this now. Unfortunately he has just lost his mom, and has PTSD.
I innitiated over the weekend and he declined.
This is very new to me and want to give him all the space he needs, and also want to enjoy us as well.
Very frustrated and even knowing, can't help but feel hurt.
My ex dismissive avoidant lacked and sexual passion, connection, overall sexiness while participating in the act.
I would like to add here that if your ex is really a DA, the initial contacts like for a month or two must have been all fire and sparks .. then it goes downwards. The reason for this is : beggining - no vulnerability nor extra feelings about you .. after - feelings bring the vulnerability in the DAs mind which is a no go, showing vulnerability and further the shame is a huge fear so then the lack of initimacy starts and continues.
@@razvanyke That makes sense. That's why at first we don't see anything wrong. Good point.
@@rafael55 Thank you Rafael, the good times are coming for us DAs too 🙏
@@razvanyke I'm sure they will. Best wishes!
@@razvanyke it’s exactly what you described when you have a relationship with DA but is there something that yr partner can do for reassurance or not? I tried to reassure my DA and it was worse.
This is soooo weird! This describes me so accurately.. I wish I knew about this growing up up.. it woulda saved a lot of heartache
Thanks for this video! On a side note: your audio sounds like recorded through skype or telephone, rather difficult to listen to, can it be changed?
It's not that bad. Still giving us useful information.
@@SR77736 he just give supportive critical there is no problem with that.
@@SR77736 I dont see the problem either
am a "rolling stone" man with a AVD diagnosis. I am learning so much from this video. I thought my behavior was crazy and so did everyone else. I did not know that my behavior had a name, Avoidant Personality Disorder.
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Avoidant personality disorder is not the same thing as avoidant attachment. Either way, best of luck to you! It’s possible you could have both Avoidant attachment and avoidant personality disorder, though.
I have this attachment style and i also have bipolar 2. It’s a horrible combination because when im feeling good i like to meet new people and engage in sex but once things start to get a bit serious and my depressive episode starts, i tend to push them away almost completely. Being depressed and disgusted by intimacy is not a way to live tbh
I am also Bipolar 2, but I am Anxious Preoccupied. I feel you it's really tough :(
This was very interesting to learn that it’s common for DA’s to pull away after some time. Would it be true to say that they do this because of their own internal struggles and not because they are loosing interest in their partner?
I could not find the feelings and needs worksheet you mentioned in the video. Would you be able to please let me know how I can access it. Many thanks 😊
Would also like to know this!!
Not sure how to explain it, but it has *nothing* to do with my partner, and I want to assure you it's not you. I knew something was wrong, but couldn't figure it out. Almost was hoping to die before I fuck my marriage completely! Just thought I had low sex drive/testosterone or something. If you can get this into your DA's feed without you directly sharing it, I feel very sure he will try to change too.
@@seapeajones this has been a worry of mine with my DA, that he has lost interest in me. Do you still have needs as in your keen on porn or just no drive whatsoever? Knowing its not personal makes all the difference
I am a DA and these videos describe me very close in almost every aspect. The thing is I now recognize this and I am in a relationship that suffers where my partner might be an anxious pre / fearful where she keeps yearning for deeper connection. That is a turn off in a subconscious way for me. Like the video said the first year is great but then it slows that's because the first year we really don't see the "seriousness" of the relationships for example I am a male, the first year the expectations and pressures of commitment are low but then as it goes on the partner eventually expects something serious and that's when things sort of decline.
This is when the trauma kicks in and depending what type of trauma you had it can show up in different ways. My gf sort of switches moods when she "expects" something or it is a signal that she wanted attention but I didn't give it, then the mood she radiates triggers mine where it makes us regret doing relationships. We see these sort of negative or even as being critical of us. I grew in a household with severe neglect and hardship, when I was small any crying, discomfort, or anything that small children usually do were met with shame and/or being a difficult burden, so feeling this was forbidden and it has been imprinted to where now when people ask for intimacy and closeness, that's where we were conditioned that this is shameful to do and why are you doing this to me.
On top of that the women in my family were of a sort of very promiscuous where men where more important than the safety of their children and witnessed things their children shouldn't but that in turn programmed me to look at women as sort of disgusting and no good for anything but sex because they will jump on anything sooner or later, makes it hard to connect with something deeper. the beginning there is no commitment and the "out" is easy and there is not much investment and most of the time the initiation of more commitment came always from my female partners where it just start that loop If they had issues in the past and it triggers them then it gets worse quick.
Now that I am aware and trying to change and really tough it out because I would love to have a healthy relationship and not stuck in this mental prison constantly alert for survival it gets exhausting. But the problem is this for me and I have to over come this logic that lives in me:
Being alone is not a bad thing for me, I actually enjoy it more than being around people. I get anxiety of the thought with being with my partner alone for a long period of time because it forces me to be close to someone for 24 hrs. All of my relationships were in and out meaning we may spent a total of 2 or 3 days with eachother per week. It lasts for the first year then the moving in and staying together more becomes a problem. It feels like we have to sacrifice our freedom, our ability to get away if things feel bad.
Thank you for the insightful videos. It appears I have a DA on my hands from what you have discussed. He pulls away, then when reassured I love him, he comes back. He had difficult time ever saying he loved me or how he was feeling (except when angry). Sex was really strange as it was almost like an automatic act with no closeness and he would get mad if I tried to have any intimacy afterwards. Really strange. You speak of continue to support & love but when I bring it up to him he says he is the way he is and he's not going to change. He is defensive...In fact he has planned as trip for us to go camping and purchased cots for the both of us to sleep separately! I do not understand this dynamic. I am an extremely affectionate person! I am thinking I want out-and I am going to bail on the vacation. This person does not appear to have a notion of romance is about?? It is frustrating and hurtful. I have tried to initiate communication about this but it is just refuted. he says he doesn't know why he is like this and notices the same reactions from other women but is clueless as to why they act that way. He doesn't seem to even care that he is like that or want to improve...does this sound familiar to anyone? I am frustrated to no end & am having a hard time walking away but I do not think patience and kindness is going to help this person...we have been together for a year. If he can't work on his issues then why am I wasting my time?
Get Out, you are going to hurt yourself and pray for him
I feel the same way in my current relationship. It’s an emotional roller coaster with little accountability at times. I just told my boyfriend, we can be friends to give him space but I can’t wait forever.
I agree leave.
After a 4 year relationship with a DA I believe you see the hand writing on the wall "He doesn't seem to even care that he is like that or want to improve". If you stay there is much pain ahead. LEAVE!
Save your sanity & leave. You deserve better!
Thank you so much for your content - this is immensely helpful
OMG. I LITERALLY MANIFESTED THIS!!! Well I’d like to believe the law of attraction helped this video to be made a day after I asked about the connections!!! TY, Beautiful!! Your always on time and you are helping so many ppl heal by understanding themselves! OH 444 wakes me up and I see it everyday, this vid is 14:44 long. And I was the 4th comment 😃Who else notices synchronicities like 1111? The universe always points an awakening soul in the right direction 💙❣️🌹♎️✌🏾🌈#Namaste
Khamsin what is TY?
Paulina Pi it means thank you ❣️
The Law of Attraction is BS
Worst I ever had was with this type and yet I want to try again and again.
I've noticed that a lot of us avoidants show our emotions through sex and that we have a tendency to sometimes be friends with benefits with someone we have feelings for bc we can have the cake and eat it. I'm FA and my FWB (who is once again ignoring me 🙄) is DA. He doesn't have a lot of experience and I have too much, and this is the best sex any of us have ever had. We can relax and communicate with each other. Emotionally we're a fucking mess, but in bed it's a good type of madness. ;)
I'm sick of her, but this is true. We get along and have good sex and good times. Everything except vulnerability. For too long.
This comment just made me laugh to myself about it
Can I ask you if you keep It as friend with benefit because there are feelings but you don't consider them strong enought to get into a committed relashionship?
@@mariacarmenfalco5723 she was saying there are feelings but they're scared to commit. So they can have the person but without the triggers of commitment. That's the impression I got from reading between the lines.
Emotional anorexia and don’t like to talk of emotions. Emotions were frowned on in their family of origin if not shamed.
The audio is messed up! It is difficult to listen to!
I used caption 😂
That made me cry, it's exactly 💯 your words i dissociate most of the time, I shut down my feelings when triggered, when mobbed, when rejected. The crazy thing is I definitely was the a fearful avoidant who gave easily into sex because I was heavily verbally and bodily abused by the parents who never accepted my no. In the course of time, I worked myself up and left all dates or boyfriends bring narcisstic or verbally abusive. The swift was so subtle,I turned into the dismissive style where I first lowed all my expectations until i didn't even felt or had any needs at all, so I can't even express them. People tell me I deactivate myself and I should have needs. The problem with any needs of the DA and also the sexual ones is that it is too risky to be vulnerable and open up or trust and having no needs it's such a great protection and safety that it's a constant struggle for me to even have a date since 5 years. Nevertheless, I'm happy I left the previous 10 years abuses, but now I'm too self-reliant and I don't need any.
To sum up, progress is possible it takes years, first learning to set boundaries then learning that after doing that nobody can hurt you anymore. I just realized that recently I'm hurting myself by thinking I might get abused again not trusting anybody. I wish more men would listen these podcasts as the more pressure they put on they more the DA will withdraw. It's also a communication issue, don't take it personally, let the DA withdraw and initiate sex and not you just this trick helps. Of course, most men start sex and that's the problem with the DA . Again sex pressure again dominance over them. I think communication and compromising would help immensely but for this 2 are needed
Well I work on it. I'm learning dances although I need 3 years process to get out of my head and follow easier. I meditate and go for walks. I see progress yes cause 5 years ago i wouldn't even let guys so close to be dancing this soft dance. I did the same with salsa courses and I'm enjoying it now being good at it and having no thoughts when doing it and no thoughts at all are great for a change 👍 every creative process is grounding
This is gonna sound weird... i watched this video when u released it and i ended up getting a major panic attack... i guess reality can be a hard pill to swallow
My DA Partner had several casual partners before we started dating. She was able to separate the emotions from the sex. She never became attached or involved with many of these people. We're long distance and TMI, she talks about it often with me.
Bless you 🤗That was the cutest sneeze ever !
It’s crazy how accurate this is
Thais, God bless you, girl. Wow. Thank you for doing these videos.
I thought I was going crazy. I feel like a piece of furniture that’s in an inconvenient location or like an unwanted roommate-rarely a wife and life partner.
Same!! Jealous of the dog, he gets all the attention.
@@What_if_its_all_true same
Dismissive are total monsters they don't care about you. All they care about is themselves
My DA started off so hot/heavy, but once my AP/FA tendencies got involved in her life; helping, supporting, listening, etc.. I ended up in the friendzone. It's been two years + still living together and wish we could rekindle like at the beginning. As of now, I rather get my 'needs' met elsewhere in order to avoid arguments/rejection. She's aware we've become less exclusive. Is it healthy to just drift apart rather than a full breakup if you still love a person deeply but don't want to pressure them?
I'd love to see this video redone with your current production style and quality.
Still don’t know what to do. If partner is dismissive, how do you move forward?
Woww, finding this out helps me so much understand myself and be kind to myself because of it instead of putting down and judging.
I’m wondering if this is closely relatable to a NPD?