When you walk away from.an aviodant, do not do it " to get them back". They are not worth it. Do it because you are a valuable person who deserves more and will not settle for "specs of crumbs" Let them sit there and marinate in their despair of always forever chasing " the greener grass" . Move on, life is too short to waste time on bare minimum people..
I've listened to many of these videos about avoidants and the only conclusion I can draw is that you just cannot have a healthy relationship with an avoidant. They just don't want to be close, they will destroy you emotionally and then discard you. Just walk away never go back
I'm pretty secure, so I was able to get over my DA ex within a few months, but I can't even imagine if you lean anxious. I imagine that absolutely wrecks an anxious attacher.
100% agree from both experience and watching a ton of these videos from this poster and others. I'll specify dismissive avoidants. The fearful avoidant I dated was actually a phenomenal person, but he put work into himself and his issues only happened when there was hurt caused and it wasn't unintentional. Very specific things too. Dismissive avoidants are straight up trash people and it's never taken me almost a year to rebuild myself solely due to believing stuff a DA said and not their actions that said otherwise. Every other attachment style is super workable
Agree 100%, unless they understand that this behaviors are a problem and are willing to work towards becoming securely attached the best solution is just to walk away.
I am back with my avoidant … I suggested she read attached cause it helped me and we went on a pre planned holiday for a week which was a month after we split. She read the book agreed that it made sense but said she needed space to process and heal. We got back I went no contact for 3 weeks before she reached out. She’s a changed person and is seeking professional help (as am I being anxious) I know she’s probably in the minority but I do feel if a DA has a deep connection with you then they are more likely to hear you, respect what you suggest and work on themselves ….. she was also at the point she thought she was broken and I felt a lot of empathy for her not hate. It can work it just takes patience and directness
@@hugorcedeno4394 yes but there’s more to it than that as she knew she was avoidant after reading attached so she understood she was in her fears. I was working on me too, had she not reached out we would never of spoke again that’s the point we both needed to get to
@@RevealedFilms we were apart a few months and only spoke twice before the holiday. 3 weeks of no contact might sound too short but the other factors of time apart, her actually accepting her issues and seeking help as well as both committing to work are more important than going months of no contact. Had I gone 6 months no contact and she came back without any admission of issues or motivation to change would that have been better ?
8:27: What this means is that the avoidant (DA specifically) is saying is, "Hey, I won't stoop to chasing you because I'm too ferociously and psychotically independent, but it's ok for you to chase me now so we can start this whole mess all over again ."
I will always love my avoidant ex. Forever. He's a severe avoidant. We worked to reconcile via therapy. Made a vetted plan. Restarted extremely minimally because his major deactivation was truly destructive, not just for us but also his family. I asked for the barest of bare minimums. A painful bare minimum, for me. 1 hour call per week and a few voice notes in the interim (LDR), on which to slowly rebuild. He still faded away. Intensive therapy didn't stop it, and saving our bond was a main subject. I walked away, and gave him a piece of my heart as a final gift, because I can't go back ever again. So, I'll love him from an unbridgeable distance and move on.
Never allow backstabbing cowards back into your Life even if you cared for them or still do, teach them that lesson. You can't allow them to mess with your sanity. Block them everywhere especially if you're a kind person and you don't deserve that treatment at all
80% of the time they are not worth fighting for, unless they are willing to do the work with you. You are better of dealing with your own emotions and finding ways to meet your own needs until you are matched with someone who will meet you where you are.
you disappoint them when ur with them you disappoint them when ur away they always are in control. its the attachment style of control over love avoidants are a lose lose. let them siphon off each other. dont get caught in that mess
hahaha so well said. my D.A. girlfriend says she is a "no drama" person but then she triangulates & has attention -seeking/emotional texts with male colleagues & expects me to not find that weird.
Yes.. he built this whole thing up, then abruptly walked away and reached out twice in 3 months. Now, month 6, he “sort of” “invited” me to some group hangout night via our mutual friend. I politely declined. I don’t think I want to be around him at all.
@SirenaSpades please can you tell me more about this stage? This seems to describe exactly what the DA I was seeing, kept doing. Ghosts me and ignores me for days and pushes me into a position where I have no choice but to end things. Then later says it was me that is always pushing people away! He's DA, I'm FA leaning anxious
Currently on day 25 no contact after I expressed myself about something that was bothering me. He hasn't blocked me and keeps watching my statuses but hasn't reached out. I miss him terribly but no holding my breath.
I believe he's baiting you into contacting him by watching ur statuses. So he's thinking of you but if you contact him then . Then next time u express something u don't like he will disappear again Its like they're so entrusting they waiting for an excuse to disappear From experience and from what I know as long as its kept fun. Light no needs expressed no boundaries yet we are totally there for the other person for them to vent. Contact when they want so being OK with them not replying but initiating when they feel like then no standards are expressed etc then they stick around. They basically want a fwb but on their terms so available when suits them . Intense when suits them distance when's suits them no questions asked no emotional needs met
@elenoble Just know your boundaries and how to have them in place, know what to do and say when they come back. It makes them have to change some things about themselves, either that or they will move on. A win win situation.
@@zanecliffo3685 Perfect description. They want everything on their own terms, and if there's any conflict they see it as an incompatibility and flaw with the other person.
@@atmodlee actually, APs are VERY prone to being narcissists due to their need to control their outer world. I've read some literature in it, but it doesn't seem to be popular on TH-cam channels. Most TH-cam channels focus on Avoidant videos because the engagement is much higher (mainly from suspected APs).
@@atmodleeanxious attachments and fearful avoidants leaning anxious are more likely to have narcissistic traits over a dismissive avoidant. Of course there are different types of narcissists like covert, overt, malignant...but anyone, even secure attachments can be narcissistic. I've experienced an AP narcissist and it wasn't pretty.
This was good, thank you. I’m trying to figure out what my ex was thinking and feeling during our relationship. She seemed dismissive at times and fearful at others but definitely avoidant. And over time much more comfortable with closeness and planning for the future. But then she left after I spoke with her about marriage and she said she wanted it too for the first time. She’s been no contact for six weeks but I hear she blames me for the break up, saying we fought too much and I was controlling. I’m very confused.
Fearful avoidant here, maybe I can help. When my partner talks to me about taking a new step in the relationship (living together, buying a house together, getting married etc) I get anxious of being trapped and losing myself and my independence. I will do flaw/fault finding as a way to deactivate : I will look for a flaw in my partner that makes it « impossible » to spend my life with him. It can be a really silly thing but I will focus and obsess so much over it, that I’ll believe it’s a deal breaker. I’ll feel relieved once I’ve found that flaw/fault because I know I have a way out and I don’t have to deal with the overwhelming fear of getting trapped with that person. I’m 33 and I’m being aware of it all only now. And I used to be convinced that the problem was coming from them and not from me, like your partner :/
And the fact that the problems for her were the fights and feeling controlled is very revealing too, I’m the same : we can’t deal with conflicts, never learned to overcome them and come to a solution. And the « feeling controlled » part shows that her fear of loosing herself, loosing her independence got triggered. In my experience, I always firmly believed that I was lucky to get out. So I never reached out after a breakup because I buried my emotions, feelings, guilt way too deep. I think a solution you could try is, without any pressure or demand from your side, inform her that she might be fearful avoidant. I guess it’s worth the try. And if she is not ready to work on herself, just understand that she is a dead end ;(
She’s not worth it. That’s the confusing part. The part that thinks she still is. I say that to myself too. We think we had a real partner. But we didn’t. We had a lie. We had A dismissive avoidant partner. That’s not a real partner. That’s a selfish one sided relationship with zero expectation of reciprocation
What if you were in a 7 year relationship and engaged, but finally told the avoidant to move out after finding out he was was dating apps and currently has a "friend". Also said on his way out that he needed space, to be financially independent and didn't want to abandon me and wanted to keep me in his life. I told him we are either in a relationship or nothing. I'm not going to wait around while he dates other people. My house is now calm and peaceful.
This is what im experiencing. We are ok and good and now he is not feeling his self as he told me with his message. I don't know what is going with his mind. He has lots of doubts or i don't know. Its sad when he asked for a chance and give him then he acted this way again.. so tiring.
Would I be advised to do no contact if our relationship was only 2 months long but was very loving and intense? Nothing bad happened, she just one day was pulling away after a previous day of being super close, intimate, and she just said " She didn't think she could do this " She cried and I let her drive off and have been NC for 4 days now.
Been there. Almost verbatim. No contact is honestly the best way and they have to do the work of becoming secure. You can't help them as much as they may want you to. You can't be a therapist and lover at the same time. Just doesn't work. Also, as long as a FA or DA gets the benefit of a relationship without commitment, they'll never change. They'll only hurt you, deeply. So yeah, no contact is the best way. 👀
I bet mine is missing the fact that I worked 10 hour days only to come home, pay bills, clean all the dishes, make us a home cooked meal, clean, do the dishes, give foot massages, and then do all the guy stuff like take trash out, mow lawn, plant flowers, etc, etc. She actually didn't even want me to move out but I said I absolutely could not stay anymore. I left & went NC. She still hasn't reach out to me and while I still feel super hurt, I know my worth, what I'm able to give and don't know many other guys that would do everything I was doing for her with literally getting nothing in return. She love bombed me last year when some crazy stuff happened and it was beautiful - I finally thought we made it after 10 years but gradually within a few months it went back to the same thing. Im just drained, hurt, and feel lost.
@@Eddybo22 We have a daughter together but she's 11 so I can text/video call her & don't have to go through her mom at all. This past Saturday we all decided to hang out all day together as a "family" - She was a little too nice to me. I got some hugs & I went for a few small kisses & she didn't push me away. I even joked that I could only hang out a little because I had a date that night...she said, "What? REALLY...with WHO??" I then said, "with you!" Hearing a little panic in her voice was somewhat satisfying. I got back into the gym a month ago, lost weight, and definitely have my confidence back & think she can see that. We've texted a few times & she actually texted me back immediately & it was nice. I'm done even asking about our relationship - the ball is in her court but there's a timer on it as well & I'm still moving forward regardless. I'm a decent guy and we're in our early 40's & know the dating scene is garbage, so im good by myself if need be. My only goals now are to get shredded in the gym, bank money, and be a good dad
@@jamie-r2034 well I am glad you got some clarity now. Good job on hearing to the gym and getting yourself better financially, definitely good keys to progress. It's a bit tricky when you have a child together but I pray the co-parenting situation remains cordial between you two. Yeah ultimately just do as you see fit. If it is meant to be then it will be but at least now you know what you can and cannot deal with which makes things easier for you.
@Eddybo22 i appreciate it! She's still undecided which is her way of saying probably not but continued to ask me to help her with certain things & i ignored the question because im done helping her in every single way. Ill move on & be fine. I just feel angry that i wasted 12 years of my life on someone who doesn't give a shit. Lol. It's all good though. It's freeing to be able to tell her my thoughts now without the consequences of being broken up with. Haha
@jamie-r2034 that's so cold that after 12 years with a child, you STILL can't decide if you actually want this person in your life. That's really her loss and she will never find another like you. She'll search high and low but they don't make em like this anymore. You are right though you can leave her where she is at and keep it 💯.
What does the DA mean by "looking forward to a time in which we can be easygoing with each other after some time has passed"? Is that intent of reconnecting, breadcrumb or friendzone offer?
it means either you need to cut back on overtexting them/chasing them but set up dates still where you make advances or it means they are friendzoning you & you should move on.
It's breadcrumbing so that they can mosey back into your life when they need an ego boost, or to convince themselves that they're not a shitty person for doing you wrong: Hey, I'm not really a jerk! I just needed space to soothe myself because I presented myself as someone who wanted a true connection with you, knowing that I hate to be vulnerable, close and reciprocate when relationships start deepening. I really wasn't an asshole for leaving you in confusion and emotional and mental anguish. I'm not really a selfish twat who only cares about making myself feel good at your expense. I came back...just in time to ghost you again. Just like a narc!
Can you give me some advice?He pulled back a lot and we had a hard year since April… before it was really evolving in a good way… and this silence of him made me anxious (even though I was more of a secure attachment before) and we had some very emotional discussions and he felt under pressure and pursued by me and he was very defensive. After our last emotional talk I said I needed time to sort things out and went silent to heal. Now he texted me after almost 8 weeks that he had time to think and sort things and there were things and situations that were and still are a burden for him and it’s time to talk about it because it’s heavy in his shoulders. Would you consider this as positive or is he going to end this and run as fast as he can? I‘m not sure if my healing process is far enough to stand strong if he just comes back to leave again.
I was talking to DA for 8-9 months from the very beginning he told me that he is committed to someone but can be friends with me(I assumed that he was lying due to commitment issues) showed good interest through out but also hot and cold behaviour pretending to be really busy with job. I stopped talking to him and told him that I can not do this anymore thinking about his serious relationship. We took a 20 day break, he reached out and we started talking again after a couple months I asked him if really was into a serious relationship. He said yes and I asked him to never contact me and end this. He has called me three times in 5 months with 2-3 calls each time.No texts, only calls. Should I talk or just let him call and never answer?
Good video, and timely for me. My DA suddenly cut off communication for the third time in five months. Everything was fine, but the next day he said the problem was that my shoes pinched my feet at a wedding reception we attended, plus sometimes I couldn't go on neighborhood walks because my back hurt due to an injury from carrying heavy luggage on a trip we took a year ago. He claimed these are health issues, and that they made him rethink the relationship! Well, of course, those were baloney excuses. The first time, I had spent several days at his hospital bedside after he had back surgery. This time, we had evacuated together for several days from a wildfire, and he even brought up how he saw our future together. So I understand that so much togetherness probably was more than he could work with. I'm fine this time with waiting, though the first time this happened, I apologized all over myself for anything I might have done to have caused the distancing. Watching your videos helped me to understand that nothing I did caused it -- not then, not now. I'm content this time to wait silently, and I'm actually getting a lot done in my own life while I do! The important takeaway from this video was to have the conversation about how to prevent his sudden silent treatment of me from happening in the future. Thank you for all this excellent insight. Please wish us luck! (He's a lot of work, but we've dated for more than a year and I really like him.)
From all of the research I've done into it (having been experiencing it myself for the last 2 months) we should expect anywhere from 3-6 months, depending on the person, with a chance they will never reach out at all or take even longer to do so. There are plenty of stories on Reddit and through other Emotional Coaching channels and groups where some people experience the reachout after *years*. It really does just depend on the person and how comfortable they are with their own emotions and how hard they're able to repress and suppress things.
It depends. Attachment is on a spectrum so each individual is different and also diff with different ppl. Like the person above said, the average is said to be 3-6months for a DA tho. But I date a DA, which we were best friends for 9 years before dating, and he moves very quickly through these stages with me. Of the 2 times I’ve gone completely silent/no contact with him, he wasn’t okay by the time the one month mark came around. He had driven 1hr to deliver a hand written letter to me after 2 weeks. I gave him the silent treatment recently (not at all healthy behavior. I’m an FA, so go figure) and he reached out to me again after a week. I think it majorly depends on how avoidant they are on the spectrum and how much history you have with them. I honestly wouldn’t be too concerned about their timeline tho tbh. I’d focus on myself and then you can determine if that person is even worth letting back around
Dynamics pre breakup, length or relationship, reason for breakup. It can be days, weeks, months, years. So, for example that stage where they remember the good times, if you had more fights than good times, that’s no good. If you had a long friendship before and they are bonded to you and deep down know they can trust you, that’s good. If the breakup had to do with trust issues because a boundary such as flirting with someone, that’s no good. So there’s no typical timeline. But usually on the order of months. My guy moved from 2 weeks to 2 days over a long time but that’s because most of the time it was miscommunication and misunderstanding. So we have a pattern that relies on trust built through difficulties surmounted. So we both want to go more quickly to resolve the misunderstanding. If it’s more serious than that or it’s because they said they lost feelings, 3 months at least.
It's always different and honestly I believe it depends on the sex (male or female). I've always been a FA (now more SA) and I will literally pretend someone doesn't exist indefinitely if I feel slighted. Now when I've dealt with avoidant men, they ALWAYS come back and it's anywhere between 1 week and 4 months.
Is progress lost if you reach out to your ex after like 8 weeks of no contact, and they weren't ready? Would you then need to go another 3 months if that's how long they would've taken? Surely these timeframes are all a bit loose and it has more to do with whatevers going on in their lives at the time right?
Does it make sense to transform the relationship into an open one? I am so deeply in love with my avoidant girlfriend, but it breaks my heart how cold she sometimes is and think it would be the best to kill my feelings for her and at the same time do not give her all my attention...
I would like to know what DAs are like after the dating phase. What are they usually like in a relationship? Do things get better once you’ve earned their trust? I think I’ve dated a DA just recently, but I couldn’t get past the power struggle stage. We stopped talking for two months and now it seems like we are semi-communicating with an occasional text.
I'm at the place of independence I think with my DA. We were seemingly beginning a relationship and he then ran and a fight ensued. Long story. But we hadn't spoke for 2 wks after that. He finally texted and said he needs to focus 100% on himself and can't do a relationship but cherishes our time together. 😢 I replied that I understand and will respect it and let me know if we are going to stay friends. No reply since. Should I just delete him and move on? Will he change his mind if this is his independent stage?
I’ve asked this question a lot, but haven’t gotten an answer. Please help. We broke up 3 months ago. She has had me blocked ever since. However, she has her devices unsynced so she will still get my texts on her laptop or iPad when she wants to read them. She has me blocked on social media, but I can still see her Snapchat when she posts something like once a month. We used to work together, but now she’s in medical school. She will still communicate with her old co-workers. Any insight on this?
Go no contact the more you contact the further away you push. Heal and work on you eventually you either heal or she reaches out either way you’re in a better position
She is probably using that access to stave off feelings of missing you. Less info will be in your favor. Unsync your devices asap and stop watching her stuff.
Mine suddenly withdrew towards the end of july after sharing about her past. The withdrawal was very sudden with no explaination. I reached out to ask if all was alright, but she merely replied she was busy. I'm still letting her be. Last week, she reached out to me asking me if I wanted to go for a game of badminton, after the game, things seemed to be picking up, but the week after, when I was too caught up with work that I failed to acknowledge her when she was looking at smiling at me, walah, it's back to normal as usual. I noticed, she's silent towards me in person, but over the phone when she reaches out, she talks as normal. I'm not sure if she's avoidant or guarded? I do know she's been cheated on and abandoned.
They might be looking for validation. I know many people from different attachment styles who do this. I would just keep healing and try to move on. No contact to me is an ending. They might be thinking the same.
I struggled with this. I went no contact and within a week or two she had someone else. And that bothered me a lot. But you are at the no contact stage for a reason. You are not happy. You may miss them and all of that but the cycle will stay the same. Stay strong in what you deserve. I agree with the last comment. No contact is an ending. They are free to do what they want. As are you. It’s a hard pill, but it’s the truth. You can’t expect someone to keep you in mind when you are not in their life anymore. Some people (like us) take longer to heal and to move on. Just got to realise that that’s okay and just part of being human. The FA/DA will typically find it easier to shut off their emotions and you see that as they have fully “moved on” that quickly like you meant nothing . Just keep being you and keep your head up and focus on your own healing.
@@craignason4258 I agree. As much as I’d be willing to work it out in the beginning, I see how “meaningless” I seem to her and it’s just not at all fair to me. I’m just doing my thing but I was really using the NC to heal and be in a better spot mentally and physically for reconnecting as she told me she was doing. Clear to see she’d rather go numb the emotions than process and be with them
What if i do not respond (answer) to my dumper-avoidant's phonecalls?? What is their reaction to my silence? Will they ignore or insist on communication??
Hello Thais ❤ Just stopping by to say hello. I'm sorry I haven't stopped by to say hello.. Super busy.. I got a house of cockroaches and a bunch of dogs to watch after.. Plus I'm watching a bunch of Halloween movies.. And also.. There's so much media stimulus out there.. But I still love your show.. And your program. Also, I think my dad is a flying monkey. The only thing is, He doesn't fly, And he's not that hairy. But he does eat bananas sometimes.. But not all the time. Anyway, Your pal, Ian Royball P.S. If he's not a flying monkey.. He's probably a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant with narcissistic rage.. Blended with projection, Like when he calls me an asshole.
Please, I mean this with much respect. I'd like to listen to your videos but I find your constant vocal fry to be very irritating and hard on my ears. Please try to do something about it and I mean that with no disrespect so please don't report me
When you walk away from.an aviodant, do not do it " to get them back". They are not worth it. Do it because you are a valuable person who deserves more and will not settle for "specs of crumbs"
Let them sit there and marinate in their despair of always forever chasing " the greener grass" . Move on, life is too short to waste time on bare minimum people..
Thank you! Good advice. I almost feel that considering this an attachment style legitimizes abusive/selfish behavior.
I've listened to many of these videos about avoidants and the only conclusion I can draw is that you just cannot have a healthy relationship with an avoidant. They just don't want to be close, they will destroy you emotionally and then discard you. Just walk away never go back
I'm pretty secure, so I was able to get over my DA ex within a few months, but I can't even imagine if you lean anxious. I imagine that absolutely wrecks an anxious attacher.
100% agree from both experience and watching a ton of these videos from this poster and others. I'll specify dismissive avoidants. The fearful avoidant I dated was actually a phenomenal person, but he put work into himself and his issues only happened when there was hurt caused and it wasn't unintentional. Very specific things too. Dismissive avoidants are straight up trash people and it's never taken me almost a year to rebuild myself solely due to believing stuff a DA said and not their actions that said otherwise. Every other attachment style is super workable
@rapthemusical / as a secure person after dating a DA, I morphed into a FA.
Agree 100%, unless they understand that this behaviors are a problem and are willing to work towards becoming securely attached the best solution is just to walk away.
@@Dr.Jekyll_ they hardly ever do, it's almost always just another scam
I am back with my avoidant … I suggested she read attached cause it helped me and we went on a pre planned holiday for a week which was a month after we split. She read the book agreed that it made sense but said she needed space to process and heal. We got back I went no contact for 3 weeks before she reached out.
She’s a changed person and is seeking professional help (as am I being anxious)
I know she’s probably in the minority but I do feel if a DA has a deep connection with you then they are more likely to hear you, respect what you suggest and work on themselves ….. she was also at the point she thought she was broken and I felt a lot of empathy for her not hate.
It can work it just takes patience and directness
@@ashleyroberts5150 just 3 weeks of NC did the charm?
@@hugorcedeno4394 yes but there’s more to it than that as she knew she was avoidant after reading attached so she understood she was in her fears.
I was working on me too, had she not reached out we would never of spoke again that’s the point we both needed to get to
I agree with this. It takes A LOT of patience but it can work
@@ashleyroberts5150lol you’re in for a world of hurt when she goes back to her pathological ways. 3 weeks is nothing.
@@RevealedFilms we were apart a few months and only spoke twice before the holiday. 3 weeks of no contact might sound too short but the other factors of time apart, her actually accepting her issues and seeking help as well as both committing to work are more important than going months of no contact.
Had I gone 6 months no contact and she came back without any admission of issues or motivation to change would that have been better ?
8:27: What this means is that the avoidant (DA specifically) is saying is, "Hey, I won't stoop to chasing you because I'm too ferociously and psychotically independent, but it's ok for you to chase me now so we can start this whole mess all over again ."
I will always love my avoidant ex. Forever. He's a severe avoidant.
We worked to reconcile via therapy. Made a vetted plan. Restarted extremely minimally because his major deactivation was truly destructive, not just for us but also his family.
I asked for the barest of bare minimums. A painful bare minimum, for me. 1 hour call per week and a few voice notes in the interim (LDR), on which to slowly rebuild.
He still faded away. Intensive therapy didn't stop it, and saving our bond was a main subject.
I walked away, and gave him a piece of my heart as a final gift, because I can't go back ever again. So, I'll love him from an unbridgeable distance and move on.
Never allow backstabbing cowards back into your Life even if you cared for them or still do, teach them that lesson. You can't allow them to mess with your sanity. Block them everywhere especially if you're a kind person and you don't deserve that treatment at all
Didn't. Let The Universe play out . To each their own lesson
80% of the time they are not worth fighting for, unless they are willing to do the work with you. You are better of dealing with your own emotions and finding ways to meet your own needs until you are matched with someone who will meet you where you are.
you disappoint them when ur with them
you disappoint them when ur away
they always are in control. its the attachment style of control over love
avoidants are a lose lose. let them siphon off each other. dont get caught in that mess
I feel like I understand myself more and more with every video i watch. I am absolutely a DA
If DAs are so against conflict, why is the only thing they bring to a relationship conflict?
hahaha so well said. my D.A. girlfriend says she is a "no drama" person but then she triangulates & has
attention -seeking/emotional texts with male colleagues & expects me to not find that weird.
DA and FA patterns and cycles are so predictable learning about it now after being out of it. Thank you for all the videos, its a massive eye opener
This video is a real standout!!!
Yes.. he built this whole thing up, then abruptly walked away and reached out twice in 3 months. Now, month 6, he “sort of” “invited” me to some group hangout night via our mutual friend. I politely declined. I don’t think I want to be around him at all.
You are in the stonewall stage where he's waiting for you to dump him
@SirenaSpades please can you tell me more about this stage? This seems to describe exactly what the DA I was seeing, kept doing. Ghosts me and ignores me for days and pushes me into a position where I have no choice but to end things. Then later says it was me that is always pushing people away! He's DA, I'm FA leaning anxious
Currently on day 25 no contact after I expressed myself about something that was bothering me. He hasn't blocked me and keeps watching my statuses but hasn't reached out. I miss him terribly but no holding my breath.
I believe he's baiting you into contacting him by watching ur statuses. So he's thinking of you but if you contact him then . Then next time u express something u don't like he will disappear again
Its like they're so entrusting they waiting for an excuse to disappear
From experience and from what I know as long as its kept fun. Light no needs expressed no boundaries yet we are totally there for the other person for them to vent. Contact when they want so being OK with them not replying but initiating when they feel like then no standards are expressed etc then they stick around.
They basically want a fwb but on their terms so available when suits them . Intense when suits them distance when's suits them no questions asked no emotional needs met
@@zanecliffo3685basically u have to be their play thing
@elenoble Just know your boundaries and how to have them in place, know what to do and say when they come back. It makes them have to change some things about themselves, either that or they will move on. A win win situation.
@@zanecliffo3685 Perfect description. They want everything on their own terms, and if there's any conflict they see it as an incompatibility and flaw with the other person.
@@zanecliffo3685you nailed it 100%. Same for women
Great breakdown! I'd love to see the conclusion of the covert narcissist series with the Anxious comparison.
@@cornwallismorgan874 nope, I just want the full set. Is there something you don't want her to expose in that video?
@@cornwallismorgan874 ah, gotcha. I guess I missed the interpretation, lol.
I don’t know that an AP can be a Narcissist. Those two designations are pretty antithetical.
@@atmodlee actually, APs are VERY prone to being narcissists due to their need to control their outer world. I've read some literature in it, but it doesn't seem to be popular on TH-cam channels. Most TH-cam channels focus on Avoidant videos because the engagement is much higher (mainly from suspected APs).
@@atmodleeanxious attachments and fearful avoidants leaning anxious are more likely to have narcissistic traits over a dismissive avoidant. Of course there are different types of narcissists like covert, overt, malignant...but anyone, even secure attachments can be narcissistic. I've experienced an AP narcissist and it wasn't pretty.
This was good, thank you. I’m trying to figure out what my ex was thinking and feeling during our relationship. She seemed dismissive at times and fearful at others but definitely avoidant. And over time much more comfortable with closeness and planning for the future. But then she left after I spoke with her about marriage and she said she wanted it too for the first time. She’s been no contact for six weeks but I hear she blames me for the break up, saying we fought too much and I was controlling. I’m very confused.
Fearful avoidant here, maybe I can help. When my partner talks to me about taking a new step in the relationship (living together, buying a house together, getting married etc) I get anxious of being trapped and losing myself and my independence. I will do flaw/fault finding as a way to deactivate : I will look for a flaw in my partner that makes it « impossible » to spend my life with him. It can be a really silly thing but I will focus and obsess so much over it, that I’ll believe it’s a deal breaker. I’ll feel relieved once I’ve found that flaw/fault because I know I have a way out and I don’t have to deal with the overwhelming fear of getting trapped with that person. I’m 33 and I’m being aware of it all only now. And I used to be convinced that the problem was coming from them and not from me, like your partner :/
And the fact that the problems for her were the fights and feeling controlled is very revealing too, I’m the same : we can’t deal with conflicts, never learned to overcome them and come to a solution.
And the « feeling controlled » part shows that her fear of loosing herself, loosing her independence got triggered.
In my experience, I always firmly believed that I was lucky to get out. So I never reached out after a breakup because I buried my emotions, feelings, guilt way too deep.
I think a solution you could try is, without any pressure or demand from your side, inform her that she might be fearful avoidant. I guess it’s worth the try.
And if she is not ready to work on herself, just understand that she is a dead end ;(
She’s not worth it. That’s the confusing part. The part that thinks she still is. I say that to myself too. We think we had a real partner. But we didn’t. We had a lie. We had A dismissive avoidant partner. That’s not a real partner. That’s a selfish one sided relationship with zero expectation of reciprocation
It rlly doesn’t feel like she gaf if she’s there or not
What if you were in a 7 year relationship and engaged, but finally told the avoidant to move out after finding out he was was dating apps and currently has a "friend". Also said on his way out that he needed space, to be financially independent and didn't want to abandon me and wanted to keep me in his life. I told him we are either in a relationship or nothing. I'm not going to wait around while he dates other people. My house is now calm and peaceful.
Let them be alone
Dumped 2 weeks ago by my avoidant ex! Went directly to NC! Dont loosen up your guard....
She'll be back after her monkey branch breaks.
Thank you for this!
I would love to hear Thais talk about the difference between healthy boundaries vs avoidant walls with fearful avoidants.
This is what im experiencing. We are ok and good and now he is not feeling his self as he told me with his message. I don't know what is going with his mind. He has lots of doubts or i don't know. Its sad when he asked for a chance and give him then he acted this way again.. so tiring.
How can you tell the difference between them going silent, and just outright ghosting you? Maybe they met a they consider, “perfect”?
Would I be advised to do no contact if our relationship was only 2 months long but was very loving and intense? Nothing bad happened, she just one day was pulling away after a previous day of being super close, intimate, and she just said " She didn't think she could do this " She cried and I let her drive off and have been NC for 4 days now.
Been there. Almost verbatim. No contact is honestly the best way and they have to do the work of becoming secure. You can't help them as much as they may want you to. You can't be a therapist and lover at the same time. Just doesn't work. Also, as long as a FA or DA gets the benefit of a relationship without commitment, they'll never change. They'll only hurt you, deeply. So yeah, no contact is the best way. 👀
@@johngist3761 Thank you John.
When she comes back she'll be even more toxic than before. No contact forever is your best option.
Thanks!
I bet mine is missing the fact that I worked 10 hour days only to come home, pay bills, clean all the dishes, make us a home cooked meal, clean, do the dishes, give foot massages, and then do all the guy stuff like take trash out, mow lawn, plant flowers, etc, etc. She actually didn't even want me to move out but I said I absolutely could not stay anymore. I left & went NC. She still hasn't reach out to me and while I still feel super hurt, I know my worth, what I'm able to give and don't know many other guys that would do everything I was doing for her with literally getting nothing in return. She love bombed me last year when some crazy stuff happened and it was beautiful - I finally thought we made it after 10 years but gradually within a few months it went back to the same thing. Im just drained, hurt, and feel lost.
Stay strong, take your time to grieve the relationship. Take solace in knowing that you did everything you could to keep the relationship alive.
@@Eddybo22 We have a daughter together but she's 11 so I can text/video call her & don't have to go through her mom at all. This past Saturday we all decided to hang out all day together as a "family" - She was a little too nice to me. I got some hugs & I went for a few small kisses & she didn't push me away. I even joked that I could only hang out a little because I had a date that night...she said, "What? REALLY...with WHO??" I then said, "with you!" Hearing a little panic in her voice was somewhat satisfying. I got back into the gym a month ago, lost weight, and definitely have my confidence back & think she can see that. We've texted a few times & she actually texted me back immediately & it was nice. I'm done even asking about our relationship - the ball is in her court but there's a timer on it as well & I'm still moving forward regardless. I'm a decent guy and we're in our early 40's & know the dating scene is garbage, so im good by myself if need be. My only goals now are to get shredded in the gym, bank money, and be a good dad
@@jamie-r2034 well I am glad you got some clarity now. Good job on hearing to the gym and getting yourself better financially, definitely good keys to progress. It's a bit tricky when you have a child together but I pray the co-parenting situation remains cordial between you two. Yeah ultimately just do as you see fit. If it is meant to be then it will be but at least now you know what you can and cannot deal with which makes things easier for you.
@Eddybo22 i appreciate it! She's still undecided which is her way of saying probably not but continued to ask me to help her with certain things & i ignored the question because im done helping her in every single way. Ill move on & be fine. I just feel angry that i wasted 12 years of my life on someone who doesn't give a shit. Lol. It's all good though. It's freeing to be able to tell her my thoughts now without the consequences of being broken up with. Haha
@jamie-r2034 that's so cold that after 12 years with a child, you STILL can't decide if you actually want this person in your life. That's really her loss and she will never find another like you. She'll search high and low but they don't make em like this anymore. You are right though you can leave her where she is at and keep it 💯.
What does the DA mean by "looking forward to a time in which we can be easygoing with each other after some time has passed"? Is that intent of reconnecting, breadcrumb or friendzone offer?
From my experience friendzoned with little crumbs to keep you on the hook.
Just sounds like extending an olive branch for future friendship.
They want to keep you around for attention and stroking their ego but won't offer anything serious in return.
it means either you need to cut back on overtexting them/chasing them but set up dates still where you make advances or it means they are friendzoning you & you should move on.
It's breadcrumbing so that they can mosey back into your life when they need an ego boost, or to convince themselves that they're not a shitty person for doing you wrong: Hey, I'm not really a jerk! I just needed space to soothe myself because I presented myself as someone who wanted a true connection with you, knowing that I hate to be vulnerable, close and reciprocate when relationships start deepening. I really wasn't an asshole for leaving you in confusion and emotional and mental anguish. I'm not really a selfish twat who only cares about making myself feel good at your expense. I came back...just in time to ghost you again. Just like a narc!
Can you give me some advice?He pulled back a lot and we had a hard year since April… before it was really evolving in a good way… and this silence of him made me anxious (even though I was more of a secure attachment before) and we had some very emotional discussions and he felt under pressure and pursued by me and he was very defensive. After our last emotional talk I said I needed time to sort things out and went silent to heal. Now he texted me after almost 8 weeks that he had time to think and sort things and there were things and situations that were and still are a burden for him and it’s time to talk about it because it’s heavy in his shoulders. Would you consider this as positive or is he going to end this and run as fast as he can? I‘m not sure if my healing process is far enough to stand strong if he just comes back to leave again.
I was talking to DA for 8-9 months from the very beginning he told me that he is committed to someone but can be friends with me(I assumed that he was lying due to commitment issues) showed good interest through out but also hot and cold behaviour pretending to be really busy with job. I stopped talking to him and told him that I can not do this anymore thinking about his serious relationship. We took a 20 day break, he reached out and we started talking again after a couple months I asked him if really was into a serious relationship. He said yes and I asked him to never contact me and end this. He has called me three times in 5 months with 2-3 calls each time.No texts, only calls. Should I talk or just let him call and never answer?
If he's able to talk to a girl while committed to another, what do you think he'll do to you??
Leave, don't look back. He has a selfish mindset.
@@sf808opalaman you are right, thank you. Sending love and blessings 💐🌷
Good video, and timely for me. My DA suddenly cut off communication for the third time in five months. Everything was fine, but the next day he said the problem was that my shoes pinched my feet at a wedding reception we attended, plus sometimes I couldn't go on neighborhood walks because my back hurt due to an injury from carrying heavy luggage on a trip we took a year ago. He claimed these are health issues, and that they made him rethink the relationship! Well, of course, those were baloney excuses. The first time, I had spent several days at his hospital bedside after he had back surgery. This time, we had evacuated together for several days from a wildfire, and he even brought up how he saw our future together. So I understand that so much togetherness probably was more than he could work with. I'm fine this time with waiting, though the first time this happened, I apologized all over myself for anything I might have done to have caused the distancing. Watching your videos helped me to understand that nothing I did caused it -- not then, not now. I'm content this time to wait silently, and I'm actually getting a lot done in my own life while I do! The important takeaway from this video was to have the conversation about how to prevent his sudden silent treatment of me from happening in the future. Thank you for all this excellent insight. Please wish us luck! (He's a lot of work, but we've dated for more than a year and I really like him.)
You're content now but as your own feelings deepen over time you are taking a very great risk.
Does it generally have a higher chance of FA’s reconnecting Vs DA’s?
Probably
Yes. An FA will reconnect more often after a breakup than a DA will
What is a typical timeline? I mean, how quickly does this process happen in a DA when radio silence starts? Days? Weex? Months?
I’ve been trying to find information on that as well. And I mean something reasonable, not 6 months. I hope we get a response.
From all of the research I've done into it (having been experiencing it myself for the last 2 months) we should expect anywhere from 3-6 months, depending on the person, with a chance they will never reach out at all or take even longer to do so. There are plenty of stories on Reddit and through other Emotional Coaching channels and groups where some people experience the reachout after *years*. It really does just depend on the person and how comfortable they are with their own emotions and how hard they're able to repress and suppress things.
It depends. Attachment is on a spectrum so each individual is different and also diff with different ppl. Like the person above said, the average is said to be 3-6months for a DA tho. But I date a DA, which we were best friends for 9 years before dating, and he moves very quickly through these stages with me. Of the 2 times I’ve gone completely silent/no contact with him, he wasn’t okay by the time the one month mark came around. He had driven 1hr to deliver a hand written letter to me after 2 weeks. I gave him the silent treatment recently (not at all healthy behavior. I’m an FA, so go figure) and he reached out to me again after a week. I think it majorly depends on how avoidant they are on the spectrum and how much history you have with them. I honestly wouldn’t be too concerned about their timeline tho tbh. I’d focus on myself and then you can determine if that person is even worth letting back around
Dynamics pre breakup, length or relationship, reason for breakup. It can be days, weeks, months, years. So, for example that stage where they remember the good times, if you had more fights than good times, that’s no good. If you had a long friendship before and they are bonded to you and deep down know they can trust you, that’s good. If the breakup had to do with trust issues because a boundary such as flirting with someone, that’s no good. So there’s no typical timeline. But usually on the order of months. My guy moved from 2 weeks to 2 days over a long time but that’s because most of the time it was miscommunication and misunderstanding. So we have a pattern that relies on trust built through difficulties surmounted. So we both want to go more quickly to resolve the misunderstanding. If it’s more serious than that or it’s because they said they lost feelings, 3 months at least.
It's always different and honestly I believe it depends on the sex (male or female). I've always been a FA (now more SA) and I will literally pretend someone doesn't exist indefinitely if I feel slighted. Now when I've dealt with avoidant men, they ALWAYS come back and it's anywhere between 1 week and 4 months.
Is progress lost if you reach out to your ex after like 8 weeks of no contact, and they weren't ready? Would you then need to go another 3 months if that's how long they would've taken? Surely these timeframes are all a bit loose and it has more to do with whatevers going on in their lives at the time right?
Does it make sense to transform the relationship into an open one? I am so deeply in love with my avoidant girlfriend, but it breaks my heart how cold she sometimes is and think it would be the best to kill my feelings for her and at the same time do not give her all my attention...
Avoidants don't love any kind of relationships because they are not able to communicate. Keep her just for the bed.
What happens if they are a fearful dismissive attachment style? What do you do?
Nailed it in that last part babe. Walking defo is the best option 😂👍🏻
I would like to know what DAs are like after the dating phase. What are they usually like in a relationship? Do things get better once you’ve earned their trust? I think I’ve dated a DA just recently, but I couldn’t get past the power struggle stage. We stopped talking for two months and now it seems like we are semi-communicating with an occasional text.
I'm avoidant leaning. As long as you display calm and healthy behaviors then an avoidant could potentially start trusting.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Lifeit requires an emotionally numb person to stay calm with what being presented with by DA
They put you through the dating phase ALL OVER AGAIN! They ❤ to ENTERTAIN SITUATIONSHIPS!
@@jurgenwehner3607 no it doesn't. It requires a healthy and secure person to stay calm. Anyone else is likely an insecure attachment as well.
Secure people probably won't stay calm, they just won't stay at all...
How long does it take from stage 1 to stage
I'm at the place of independence I think with my DA. We were seemingly beginning a relationship and he then ran and a fight ensued. Long story. But we hadn't spoke for 2 wks after that. He finally texted and said he needs to focus 100% on himself and can't do a relationship but cherishes our time together. 😢 I replied that I understand and will respect it and let me know if we are going to stay friends. No reply since. Should I just delete him and move on? Will he change his mind if this is his independent stage?
go back to dating in the meantime. he might be full of bs & not coming back.
Yes delete and block and move on.
Thank you
Thais, How long does this sequence usually last? If that's a fair question.
Forever
Until you heal
I’ve asked this question a lot, but haven’t gotten an answer. Please help. We broke up 3 months ago. She has had me blocked ever since. However, she has her devices unsynced so she will still get my texts on her laptop or iPad when she wants to read them. She has me blocked on social media, but I can still see her Snapchat when she posts something like once a month. We used to work together, but now she’s in medical school. She will still communicate with her old co-workers. Any insight on this?
What exactly are you looking to know?
Bro where is your self worth??? Fucking ignore her, block her as well and move on!!
She dumped you 3 months ago and blocked you on social media. Move on man, it's over
Go no contact the more you contact the further away you push.
Heal and work on you eventually you either heal or she reaches out either way you’re in a better position
She is probably using that access to stave off feelings of missing you. Less info will be in your favor. Unsync your devices asap and stop watching her stuff.
Mine suddenly withdrew towards the end of july after sharing about her past. The withdrawal was very sudden with no explaination. I reached out to ask if all was alright, but she merely replied she was busy. I'm still letting her be. Last week, she reached out to me asking me if I wanted to go for a game of badminton, after the game, things seemed to be picking up, but the week after, when I was too caught up with work that I failed to acknowledge her when she was looking at smiling at me, walah, it's back to normal as usual. I noticed, she's silent towards me in person, but over the phone when she reaches out, she talks as normal. I'm not sure if she's avoidant or guarded? I do know she's been cheated on and abandoned.
What if they start talking to someone during the no contact?
They might be looking for validation. I know many people from different attachment styles who do this. I would just keep healing and try to move on. No contact to me is an ending. They might be thinking the same.
I struggled with this. I went no contact and within a week or two she had someone else. And that bothered me a lot.
But you are at the no contact stage for a reason. You are not happy. You may miss them and all of that but the cycle will stay the same. Stay strong in what you deserve.
I agree with the last comment. No contact is an ending. They are free to do what they want. As are you. It’s a hard pill, but it’s the truth. You can’t expect someone to keep you in mind when you are not in their life anymore.
Some people (like us) take longer to heal and to move on. Just got to realise that that’s okay and just part of being human. The FA/DA will typically find it easier to shut off their emotions and you see that as they have fully “moved on” that quickly like you meant nothing .
Just keep being you and keep your head up and focus on your own healing.
@@craignason4258 I agree. As much as I’d be willing to work it out in the beginning, I see how “meaningless” I seem to her and it’s just not at all fair to me. I’m just doing my thing but I was really using the NC to heal and be in a better spot mentally and physically for reconnecting as she told me she was doing. Clear to see she’d rather go numb the emotions than process and be with them
What if i do not respond (answer) to my dumper-avoidant's phonecalls?? What is their reaction to my silence? Will they ignore or insist on communication??
A typical avoidant is not going to keep re-approaching you if you actively ignore them.
@@0Demiyah0exactly.
Do not go back, they will destroy you again and again.
What if she’s in a new relationship
She is not meant for u . She is not your destiny
That's a good thing. And wish best of luck to the new guy lololol
Avoidants don't do relationships.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
You are soo clever and pretty .
Hello Thais ❤
Just stopping by to say hello.
I'm sorry I haven't stopped by to say hello..
Super busy..
I got a house of cockroaches and a bunch of dogs to watch after..
Plus I'm watching a bunch of Halloween movies..
And also..
There's so much media stimulus out there..
But I still love your show..
And your program.
Also,
I think my dad is a flying monkey.
The only thing is,
He doesn't fly,
And he's not that hairy.
But he does eat bananas sometimes..
But not all the time.
Anyway,
Your pal,
Ian Royball
P.S.
If he's not a flying monkey..
He's probably a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant with narcissistic rage..
Blended with projection,
Like when he calls me an asshole.
Good advise
Your eye makeup would look a million times better with no mascara on the bottom lashes
😅😅
Bro mind your business and no one asked. Worry about your own makeup and leave other ppls bodies and how they express themselves alone 👍
Can you just explain without trying to sell in the middle of the video?
This is a free service she offers on TH-cam, but she's also here to sell her business. This is her job that provides her income. Lol
Y'all are so entitled. Constantly complaining about DA's but look at how y'all act in these comments. No wonder people abandon you.
Please, I mean this with much respect. I'd like to listen to your videos but I find your constant vocal fry to be very irritating and hard on my ears. Please try to do something about it and I mean that with no disrespect so please don't report me