Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 พ.ค. 2023
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Dismissive Avoidant Attachment is one of the most common attachment styles, and it's a tough style to break free from. In this video, Dr. Judy Ho discusses the causes, behaviors, and daily impacts of dismissive avoidant attachment.
If you're struggling with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, this video is for you. We'll discuss the causes of this attachment style and provide you with tips on how to break free from it. We'll also talk about the effects of a dismissive avoidant attachment on your relationships and overall mental health.
#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #medcircle #attachmentstyles #dismissiveavoidant #medcircle #psychology
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Dismissive Avoidants are known to love dogs and cats because there is no threat of rejection, criticism or emotional demands,.
IDK about dogs, but this is not true of cats. What makes cats safe is that they can't absorb you.
my husband 100%
Because that's ownership and control not a relationship.
@@brixandblooms I have seen them be very loving to pets. They are by nature not controlling at all. It sounds like you don’t know much about them at all. Maybe save your judgement for topics you have some understanding of.
I recently realized I'm dismissive-avoidant in relationships, and I've always loved animals, especially dogs. The reason isn't control, because I don't delude myself into thinking I can control a dog completely, and still respect its autonomy. Rather, it's the fact a dog can't lie or pretend to like you. If a dog doesn't like you, they let you know right away. They are by nature nonverbal and can understand your cues from body language, hormonal changes, etc. They really seem to have a "sixth sense" with understanding emotions. If only it were as simple with people.
I became avoidant because growing my needs weren’t met. I was told my feelings don’t matter, that a child should be seen and not heard. Then you add the fact that I’ve never had a romantic life due to feeling invisible, so I adopted an avoidant style because of my resentment.
Same and it’s so annoying when someone likes me i keep running away and i feel like a bad person but I can’t help but hating when a person try to get close to me or showing any kind of interest in me even if it was as a friend
Try ACA. It’s free help from strivers. ❤
@@Sigmash1so you never fall inlove?
Same
I would think a person who grows up that way pursues emotional intimacy even more. Sort of like being starved with just being given breadcrumbs; you will steal food if you have to. I don't understand.
I dated someone like this and he would see me 1 time a week for 4 months and he didn’t want to talk over the phone or text…he also was a workaholic and was very cold and guarded and showed no emotion. Unfortunately, I am an anxious attachment style person and I would like to change that about myself because he definitely triggered me. I ended up ending things because I don’t want to beg someone to show interest or attention.
Good
Same. Avoidants can be cold and distant. They dismiss your feelings and disconnected from their own. They have a hard time clearly communicating their feelings to you, so you're left confused about them and the relationship. Can't progress much with someone who's closed off, isn't forthcoming and willingly shares about themselves, and is even dishonest.
1 time a week for 4 months?? Yeah thats not even a relationship
@@zto101 It's literally avoiding the other person and using them when you feel like it. Don't bother with them.
Man I’m like that guy, except it only lasted a month and I just ended it when he moved closer. Figures…
I decided I’d never marry senior year of hs, but I have trouble saying no so I sometimes find myself in these strained relationships (I’m 22). I know I’ll be lonely when I’m old, so I know practically that I need to find someone. But if I don’t want anyone and can’t connect beyond acquaintance level w people, how do I ever go about it…?
“Looking at someone in the eyes when they’re crying” *sweating intensifies*
0:10: 🔑 Dismissive avoidant attachment style is characterized by independence, avoidance of intense emotions, and minimal investment in emotional relationships.
4:02: 🔑 Dismissive avoidant individuals tend to choose highly independent jobs with a lot of autonomy and may be more authoritarian in leadership positions.
7:23: 👥 Understanding dismissive avoidant attachment style and its impact on personal relationships.
10:45: 💡 The video discusses the importance of practicing emotional connection and valuing emotions in relationships.
14:18: 😂 The speaker discusses the importance of allowing children to experience a full range of emotions and teaching them healthy coping skills.
Recap by Tammy AI
10:47 he sounds like a sociopath lol
Being a dismissive avoidant is really difficult, as well as being super difficult to deal with. I was abused as a child, and have been in dysfunctional situations and relationships my whole life and I feel its come from that.
I struggle with comforting people, showing up more than physically in emotional situations, going hot and cold, mood swings and pushing people away when they get too close and ask for vulnerability and intimacy.
I flip flop way too much and self-sabotage, and its a problem. I need so much personal space, freedom to live my own life, I highly value my own time and space.
Being in a relationship with someone who is an anxious attachment style, I fear I've made it much worse. Its so difficult with the push and pull cycle :
- I feel triggered by something and withdraw.
- She feels I'm pulling away, and tries to cling harder and it feels needy.
- I feel smothered and pull away, or I end up complying and putting up with the suffucation feeling and THEN blow up because I didnt make my boundaries clear.
Even when I set boundaries, and she tells me what she needs, both easily get forgotten. Hoping we can work this out because I want to be with her forever, in a healthy and stable relationship.
😮
You sound like you might be fearful avoidant instead
Thanks for sharing this, I found this was well described
so my DA told me all of this last night about the closed off emotions he cried … now he went cold I am
secure so I will leave him be?
Have you considered healing your attachment style? Your partner may be willing as well. 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve just realised I’m a dismissive avoidant. It’s really made me understand myself better and my past behaviour makes SO much sense now. Thank you for these videos, it is such a help to be able to educate ourselves.
thats great you've identified that! You can make some really good changes now :) Good luck
Please seek help for your narcissism!
Same. I actually sort of feel bad for people who have needed more from me than I've been able to give.
@@PeteMD I’m not narcissistic but thanks for your comment, I guess. 🤔
@@spitestore2922it’s just a troll, don’t listen to them. I also just realised the same thing about myself :>
"If someone identifies with this, that doesn’t mean they have to stay there, just be aware of it, to learn the tools and techniques to get out of it" - yeeeeeees! This is the beauty of being human, that we can always learn more helpful ways of being and unlearn less helpful patterns. Very insightful, thanks so much!
My ex wife was a dismissive avoidant. I will never have a long term relationship with one again. I never felt so alone than when I was with her. I’ve learned that I am AP, but when I get hurt, my FA comes out and I feel unsafe.
Describe what all she would do to paint a picture for me to understand if my partner is a dismissive avoidant. It would make sense if so.
In my experience dismissive avoidants don't work on their attachment issues. Those who have done so I have all the respect in the world for. But the very nature of it makes it hard to even acknowledge that there are issues to deal with at all.
That's because dismissive avoidance is the superior style and most dismissive avoidants agree. Letting your emotions get in the way of your goals and controlling decision making is weakness. Being dependent on others for your happiness and self-worth is weakness. All relations are transactional, lets just be up front about it and don't demand more than you can negotiate for. I understand people can reasonably disagree overall, but you have to at least see the line of logic.
@@AlexanderjFraser1 Insecure attachment is insecure attachment. Neither anxious nor avoidant is ‘superior.’ Both have flaws and each is worth recovering from. I think both sides can learn from the other. But the goal should be to become more secure. But interesting stuff.
@@markcollins1012 No I'm claiming dismissive avoidance is superior than secure attachment. Really each style is adaptive or maladaptive for different environments. dismissive avoidants Typically do well in highly competitive, Individualistic, low trust environments. Modern western capitalistic society seems to fit this description pretty well.
@@AlexanderjFraser1 It depends on what you want. If you want to have a successful career in the military, then there are advantages to a dismissive avoidant style. If you want to have successful relationships, then a secure style is better. And people with an anxious style also have advantages in things like helping careers. You are correct that there are different advantages to each. But I would argue that the whole attachment style theory is meant to explain relationships. When you're 90 and on your death bed, few people care about your career, it's the relationships that matter. And the healthiest style for relationships is a secure one.
@@AlexanderjFraser1 I used to think this way but I’ve come to see that there is extraordinary power in collaboration vs doing everything on your own. But in order for collaboration to be successful, you must have excellent social skills and acknowledge their inherent value.
the anxious preoccupied is the dismissive avoidant’s “nightmare” but they are intrinsically attracted to each other. weird to say they don’t date.
They date but don’t have long term compatibility or will both be miserable . Anxious relies on sex too much and that doesn’t sustain a relationship.
The "Anxious/Avoidant" trap.
th-cam.com/video/uq5zoFyvCSM/w-d-xo.html
Yeah, because it’s nice for an avoidant to have someone who initiates things, but they become overbearing over time, then get even more overbearing when they sense that the avoidant is uncomfortable and wants space, because they’ll then figure “they must be cheating, or they hate me, they neglect me, etc etc..
That will then piss off the avoidant even more, or else the anxious will become passive aggressive or bitter. Now you have two people who are bitter and annoyed at each other
My boyfriend is the anxious and I am the avoidant. We find each other.... it's helpful to read about and learn how we can work together
@@saradepetrini4886would you like another boyfriend on the side? I'm the anxious, too.❤❤❤❤😊
The goal is to become SECURE. Not remain dismissive avoidant which is insecure and creates alot of problems in romantic relationships.
Why?
But I don't want to change
@@Clownk1llerbecause it's an insecure attachment style the goal is secure. Your operating on your triggers that's why DA will put exes on pedestal after the breakup they are no longer close so they aren't being triggered and can finally appreciate and long for the person
@@joygibbons5482 I am 40, I am DA and I am tired of it. I've never had a proper intimate relationship with anyone. I've had many situationships. When you're in your 20s and early 30s it's not that bad, but inability to connect starts wearing down on you at some point. You start craving intimacy, so yeah moving closer to a more secure style is the goal
Proud of you 👍🏾
I had fallen for a DA, and though it’s been months, he definitely had more issues than I did. I find myself still missing him because I could tell him anything, and he would always be gentle and patient. But I know I deserve better. Poor communication is bad. Not being clear is bad. And I hope he is working on himself because he at least deserves that.
This is me 100%, I never wanted children either. But now that I'm in my forties I see that it's a decision I made based on fear. But, between being the cool aunt, the reliable friend, plus the dogs and the chickens, my home has a revolving door of people and things that need taken care of. I bought a house and I'm becoming domesticated, I'm growing you guys! LOL
I’ve been looking so much into attachment theory this year and yeah this video about being a DA resonates with me. I’m in the process of healing my DA attachment style and it’s been overwhelming starting to get in touch with emotions like anger, anxiety, lust. But I’m willing to heal these emotional insecurities because I do truly want to have more fulfilling relationships in my life and a healthier relationship to myself.
I’m a dismissive avoidant and didn’t realize it until this video lol.
Oof
This is so true. I run away when people get emotional and I am not good in care taking role. I am dismissive avoidant. I can work for long hours but would stay away from emotional closeness with friends or family.
I'm glad the attachment styles' content is getting more "out there". For years I thought I was just not normal. I always looked for long distance relationships, I never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, I always find a way out and even when I like the other person I can't stop thinking that all my dreams and freedom is taken away from me and that pleasing that person to keep the harmony between us is making me lose my identity. My mom always complained about how I never keep in touch with my friends or family members, how I am so indifferent to social interactions and forced me into therapy a couple times, to which I also stopped going after 4-9 sessions. It's ironic how brave I am in all other aspects of my life, but relationships, I can't handle it. At this point I gave up, I will just accept I'm like this and if I will never be in a serious relationship I'm completely okay with it.
it's mostly bs
Are you OK living a life alone, never experiencing real healthy love and connection? That is sad. Remaining insecurely attached will make for a lonely life.
Please grow as a person😊
@@AG-fv9odYou too :)
You're doing yourself a disservice. I'd say give Therapy another shot.
The thing about eye contact,
I recently found out that I have this attachment style, I also have social anxiety disorder, and may be on the adhd/autism spectrum. So my eye contact game is at 0 pretty much, _especially_ when someone is crying LOL
My ex gf who I recently broke up with has avoidant attachment style. Throughout our whole "relationship", she was not very affectionate and would never be emotionally available.
It’s always good to get back into touch with the attachment styles. After plenty of men’s groups and learning about self relationships and romantic relationships but not actively thinking of how they apply to me, I’m now in touch with this and I’m understanding my partner more as she is dismissive avoidant.
Great video. Thanks for being vulnerable and honest....it made the video more interesting and meaningful to me!
This is 100% the girl that I just had to finally break up with. Dated for a year and now everything - EVERYTHING- is coming together to answer all the questions, some I didn’t even really know I had. Jfc. I feel so much less negativity towards her for so many things after finally learning these things.
I’m NOT an emotional person, but watching this was a HUGE turning point in my life. I looked into this because my therapist recommended it, after pointing out my “disconnect from my emotions “. I think it has to do with my then-abusive dad walking out, then shortly afterwards, grandma passed (her mother). I knew she wasn’t the same anymore, and that was why. she had emotionally shut down. I’ve always had trouble having that “best friend” closeness with kids growing up, but I didn’t know why closeness that seemed intrinsically important to most didn’t seem worthwhile to me. It felt weird and gave me anxiety. As an adult, I would have relationships, but the longest ones ended for the same reasons, “why can’t you just know what to do in these situations? “(Emotionally) and all I could say was I didn’t know. It’s like I was home sick when everyone was in boyfriend education class 🤷♂️ eventually I did grow to feel defective, like something was wrong with me or maybe it was Just easier to keep to myself. This video was beyond helpful, I’m excited to learn more and start working on turning things around 😊
We are very sensitive to being criticized, judged or insufficient to those that we love.
We shield our (true) emotions with thick armor, not to cause hurt!
We may avoid confrontations and react poorly to others emo outbursts, leaving us feeling suffocated.
We crave independence, self-reliance and space to on our own heal. (as we always have).
We can equate emotional vulnerability with hefty commitment, leaving us feel locked down.
We may understand the emotional intensity yet not reveal.
Through our ego self-healing, we may indirectly cause others harm.
We are highly sensitive.
We rarely cry.
As a dismissive avoidant, I thank you for your patience.
A your an DA, can you please give me some advice in what to do? My ex FA or DA broke up with me cuz she was afraid that I would find out shes a weirdo and I'm too good for her. I found this out by her friend not from her telling me and it hurt when I was told about it. We had amazing relationship and felt so good together. She did things she told me that she never did with her exs like holding hands, kissing or feel each others body in public. I believe this was hard work for her but she couldn't help herself. She also told me that an ex went to hold her hand after three months of being together and she split up with him. On top of that, I'm the only boyfriend that has met her parents. She's 35 and I'm 49. She fell in love with me. She never showed emotion and was alsways critising me about anything really. Fortunatly, as I knew tat she was a FA or DA, I simply brushed it off and not once in the time we were together did we shout or argue about anything. She broke up with me twice. The break up lasted only three weeks. I wanted to take it slow the second time round but she carried on where we left off which was very intense. The second time she brook up was a few days before she was goin to meet my parents after being together for 10 months. She wanted to stay friends after and we carried on doing all the things we did before but it was planktonic. It breaks my heart knowing what she was goin through when we together and prob afterwards as well. This was last year and as we live in a small village, we can't help but see each other most days. I believe that she wants to get back together but is too afraid of falling for me again and getting too close. As I recognise that she an FA or DA, if I talked to her, by pointing out her behaviour towards me and the things she has told me, hints that I've got an idea of what's goin on in her head, would that make matters worse? I just want to help her and be there for her. Bearing in mind of the intense love she gave me and the things she did with me and not her other exs, will I still be wasting my time or is there still a chance?
@@kriswebb7134now why would you willingly want to go back to that? Are you a glutton for pain? Just look at the emotion pouring out of your text onto the screen…that alone should tell you the juice ain’t worth the squeeze buddy
@@kodeh7931 Your right, but I'm up for given it one more chance as I understand her a lot better than when we were together now. Two weeks ago, we had a bust up in the street. I was very calm but she made sure everyone heard her but it wasn't intentional. I confronted her about a few things. Somethin I haven't done before, and she didn't know how to respond. It was awful experience for both of us. However, she messaged me later on saying that I wanted to still be friends and so does she. She also put me down in the message and asked for us to go no contact for awhile. I replied and agreed that we both need space and time to recover from this. I'm goin to leave it for a good 3 months and see if she reaches out for me. She's pushed all her friends away also in about the 3-4 months of knowing them. Like me, she gets too close to them and then has nothing to with them cuz they will find out who she really is. But me, she still wants to be friends and I think thats unusual for her to continue with someone after two years of knowing them. I could be wrong though. Time will tell I guess. I just feel that shes goin through hell knowing that she will never have a relationship and love that she longs for. I'll be fine thanks but I won't give up on her just yet.
also the correlation between differences in parenting styles and daycare + home care in the first few years! Babies form bond attachment style during first three years of infant life motherhood needs to be prioritized in these first years of life!!
As an anxious attached, this was interesting
it was easier for me to just shut off my emotions and use intelelct to live life so i became avoidant
anxious maybe cant do that.
For your sake don't date a DA. I'm a DA and your attachment style does not mesh well with us. I've dated two girls that were AA and realized that they need someone complete opposite of a DA lol
Thanks for this video!
As a child I was too be seen and not heard. My parents tried to rectify the problem and take us to family therapy however this attachment style still stays with me. I have worked on it and because of it I do have a marriage and wonderful children however I don't have friends because of this. I really don't care to have them either but it's good to know why I'm this way for myself
I think I just had an AHA moment here. I can relate so well. I’m glad to hear this ❤
As a DA I find most things related to career to be manageable. The lack of emotion in the workplace allows me to focus on the job at hand and not shutdown. I don't despise working with others, but it can be difficult working with certain people who view career work like they would relationship work. I'm just about getting the job done the way I've planned it out in my mind because I know it will work, not exhausting time discussing how we're going to solve the problem. These types of conversations end up being more about discussing feelings than completing the work, because these same people won't acknowledge the solutions I give as a valid solution to move forward from. I interpret these interactions as they don't respect my ideas/solutions enough, or hear them for that matter, to find the flaw in them so that we can pivot and find a better solution. I have no interest in fighting to be heard if others are unwilling to listen.
I've seen these same interactions play out in relationships, where the things I'm saying are not truly being heard and considered. At this point, even with therapy, I've begun leaning more into my DA attachment style because it's a painkiller for these painful situations.
I recognize these traits! This fits my two parents well!
You answered something for me that I could not figure out. Thank you.
You started describing an anxious preoccupied person and I immediately was like NOPE!!!
Learning about this has been so mind blowing to me because I’m very anxiously attached and i had a major crush on someone who is dismissive avoidant.
I wanted to be around him all the time and try to understand how he feels but he would push me away. it would be really hard to talk to him about how i was feeling because i felt like he didn’t care but now i understand he just didn’t know how to talk about feelings.
He liked me a lot and expressed that but told me he was extremely scared of intimacy and wasn’t ready for a relationship. i thought maybe i had done something wrong to make him feel that way but this makes a lot more sense.
this video has helped me so much
This video makes some sense, i dont feel as broken. Thanks.
This is amazing and so helpful. First, since I find her description of the dismissive-avoidant hilarious, clearly I am one. And also it's fascinating how many of the comments in here are from dismissive avoidants and it is suddenly so obvious...maybe because I laugh at those too, even when I know some of them are not particularly healthy responses. ( Insert blushing emoji, LOL! ) And finally I am relieved to know that two dismissive avoidant personalitiies who work on it, can have a successful relationship. They are probably the only ones who would respond well to my common statement, maybe you should treat me like your job. Show up on time, do what you say you'll do, be responsible, be logical and not so emotional or smothering, and stick to your job description, LOL... Okay I've never said ALL of that, but I just may in the future.
Hmmm, I'm also wondering if dismissive avoidants are more likely to be men. It is true the whole opposites attract (but don't thrive) thing, I find the most emotional and expressive men and have been known to complain about it.
I'm dismissive avoidant, don't have a problem with it. I find conventional relationships suffocating. Have got to the stage where it's easier to stay single.
I actually like people, I can be sociable, I have empathy.
Part of me just doesn't get what all the fuss is about.
I'm a PhD student in psychology and I came here to learn, not be attacked like this. And no, we don't need to get into why I'm a PhD student 😂
😂😂😂😂😂it's as raw as it is🤗🤗🤗🤗
I feel that as an avoidant attachment, ironically the only people I truly feel comfortable, relaxed and "my best self" around from the beginning are my children.
Since little children come to us innately with unconditional and obviously non romantic love and acceptance and with little threat of criticism or judgment (at least while they are still fairly young), I wonder if many other people with an avoidant attachment style find themselves just naturally having a secure attachment style with their own children than they can with other people in their lives or if more of them just tend to repeat the same kind of distant parenting parenting that helped created their own insecure attachment style in the first place?
I relate to this, im very secure attachment with the children in my life, I’m never afraid to tell them I love them and show lots of affection. Weirdly, I’m very loving with my partners too once I feel safe with them but getting to that point is the hard part.
Do you worry you'll pass down your avoidant attachment to your children? Can you attend to your children's emotional needs?
@rupertperiwinkle4477
No, actually, because the funny thing is that I have no problem being emotionally vulnerable and open with them.
@@jhlfsc I'm not sure how that's funny? I'm asking if you are attuned to their emotional needs. And how you go about showing up for them in this way? Do you shut down/avoid their emotions, project your avoidant tendencies onto them?
Yes my ex was exactly like that.
I don't know if I'm avoidant necessarily but I can relate. As a child I was always doing my own thing and was often alone, not necessarily in danger. I'm also empathetic so it's difficult sometimes.
Why is she being so nice about it this attachment style is formed from trauma and a form of neglect
Tad delusional I agree 😂
I really hope you see this and can answer. I’m with a dismissive avoidant partner and after 5 years I’m ready to pack it in and leave. We did have couples counseling and he did finally see the light and then got his own therapist (I’ve been w a therapist for years that has helped navigate this too. I use to be an anxious person, but I have worked very hard to overcome this. I’m 47, I want this to work, so I’m willing to put in the blood sweat and tears. However, I again am doing the work and he’s going back to old ways. Out of curiosity, in the middle of this discussion the gentleman talks about going to therapy and learning emotions. Does that mean he just learned prompts of when to have an appropriate emotion or to engage? Is the only reason the personal relationship is working is bc he learned prompts or bc he connected with and learned why he avoided emotion and getting close w someone, overcame it and was able to move past his fear? I feel there’s a huge difference between learning an appropriate emotion and understanding and overcoming why you avoid them. If a dismissive can only learn an emotion and the prompt to use it, I really don’t want to continue my blood sweat and tears. Thank you.
Did I correctly hear her suggest that learning to be a workaholic from your parents is not a bad thing? I mean, she used the word workaholic. There is a difference between being hard-working and being a workaholic.
Avoidants tend to use their job and other things to distract from working on themselves.
this is so fucking funny ive been tryna figure out what's "wrong" with me for years and why my friends and family are acting certain ways and always upset with me but hearing my thoughts come from someone else makes it make sense 😭😭
R/o npd f60.81 . Clue avoidance of vulnerabilities or emotional phobics. A d.a. who can work on themselves is a great thing! Why do you put things in front of relationships? Dissociation distraction. Think they are logical but reactions often are lacking. Distraction from emotions and vulnerability. Distancing behavior. Judgment of others. What triggers them is what they want to avoid in themselves and see it in others ( flaw finding in others).
I am anxious preoccupied and my partner is dismissive avoidant and it’s actual been by far the most fulfilling, supportive, and healthy relationship I have ever had. We both make an effort to meet each other halfway and move towards each becoming more securely attached together and I believe that our relatively high emotional intelligence and intuition towards each other makes it easier to work through our issues. We both still have a lot to learn about ourselves and each other and the hurdles we come across are really difficult at times, but I believe that we will make it work.
im sorry, but why did this turn into a therapy session for the interviewer. he somehow finds a way to turn the conversation back to himself in almost every video i've watched with him in it - just my observation :)
That and his dead eyes :p
I thought exactly the same thing.
He’s a narcissist!
He's so unlikable.
Perhaps he has narcissistic traits
Unconscious parenting - real life consequences when parents are not attuned to the emotional needs of the child. They dont know the real life issues the child grows up with as a result of their parenting.
I was relieved, when she left!
Being around her felt chaotic, and confusing..so confusing
And when she left, It was such a relief!!! Like yayy,, I can breathe again, I can relax!!!
Which is why I like being alone, Im away from everyone's chaos(i guess its called personalities) and I can relax and breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom left when I was 8 and my dad left a year later, and now this is me at 31 🥴
Childhood trauma.
I am sorry you had to go through this; I know what it feels like I experienced myself with my mom. It wasn't your foul at all, it's time to take responsibility to heal. You can become the best version of yourself if you choose to do the work it takes.
My mom is dismissive avoidant love style. And so is my grandma. Mom was often told to suck it up.
I learned recently that this is my attachment style. I felt so bad that I felt this way, I felt so selfish for feeling this way. I couldn't be my entire true self, if I did, I made them feel bad (mom) or uncomfortable (father). With my mother, my physical needs were not always being met, so it made it hard for young me to truly rely on her as a safety net. My father was more secure in this way, but he also had a habit of being flaky, and making out that doing something for me was a grand gesture, while for other parents, this wasn't the case; it looked way more secure, healthy, without this peasure to showcase appreciation for the parent. I felt I didn't want to ask my father for help because conflict always rose, say something like "others your age do this, I did this your age..." etc, making out that I was behind in some way, so I didn't feel safe asking for his help. For mom, I felt so bad for asking because it stressed her out every time, and I worked harder to soothe her, and so I just grew tired of that. My mother definitely had a anxious attachment style.... which definitely has made me want to distance myself from her when she reaches out with "why are you not talking to me? why did you sound like you don't like me?" She gets paranoid, thinking I don't like her even if I don't think about that. I feel bad saying this, but... I find myself viewing them with indifference.
Edit: Ive been much better about this with my friends--- with my parents, its so hard, but with people who I have strong connections with I can really be there for. I've been know as the friend who listens, the friend that won't judge you for anything. Even if inside, I sometimes feel a wiggling sense of "I feel umcomfy here" I know that it is so important to be there with them. What helps is not worrying about how you respond, just engaging with them. It also helps to ask "what can I do for you right now?" so you have more of a groundwork for what helps them.
I’m avoidant and this is the first time I’m dating an anxiously attached person. I’ve gained 10 kg because he won’t let me have gym time. He’s suffocating the life out of me I need me time I need to do my things. I feel like I have a needy son not a bf.
My gf is this way. I’ve learned to kinda work with the way she is. On 1 hand I really wish she could be more passionate but even if I barely get to see that side I’d still always and will always love her. I kinda had to hurt myself a lot just to fit with her. It was really rough in the beginning of us because I was expecting a whole honey moon phase but it never really happened. We kinda just gradually grew very very slowly. I’m a very affectionate dude and I love to be lovey dovey cuzz it makes my heart feel good. But with her I kinda got to back off and just let her slowly feel the vibe before I can even start to compliment her
Brother, please be vigilant and don't get stuck with someone who you can't love openly and show affection. It's a great gift to be open and loving, don't let it be suppressed.
@@AlexandarShmex we’re doing good now. The honey moon phase is every day. It took her sometime but I think she just needed to get comfortable, 1 year with her now.
@@slevpy I'm glad to hear that brother. I congratulate you for your patience and effort, it wasn't in vain in this case. I hope you two stay togheter for many, many years!
I had a secure attachment style, id dealt and maintained so many of my own issues. then I came across one of these people and was in a 2 year relationship with her. Never, ever, ever again will I date someone with this attachment style, they love themselves so much that they don't need you in anyway. Don't love these types of people they're so toxic and they won't gaf about you.
Just had a friendship breakup with a DA. Clear communication doesn't work with these types of people, as they claim it's only a way to "interrogate" them. I agree, they always put themselves first and tend to block/ghost without thinking about how leaving others with no closure will affect them emotionally.
They do not love themeself.. their behaviour is a protection mechanisme
@@patriciapeeters7 Can confirm.
Very wrong about DA
Omg! Tbis is me to a tee! Ive been in terapy for 8 years but i don't think im gping to be able to improve much
O k she won me over she's compassionate
My dad was always at work and our personalities were so different that he never really connected with me. Both my mother and my father had a hint of "contractual" degree to their affection towards me when I was able to pull decent grades. I was stubbornly headstrong as a kid so I made a strong enemy with the youth pastor, who in turn rewarded kids who bullied me. Teachers turned a blind eye to any plight I was having because I wasn't on a sports team. Due to the positive feedback (as this was a small, Christian town with strong, Christian, values) things ultimately got so bad that I still have a few physical scars to remind me all of these events occurring.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I didn't think this would stick with me so much.
I hope you're okay
Oh dear God. I always thought I was Anxious Avoidant. My sisters and I were told that negative emotions were bad and we weren't supposed to express them. My mom's way of keeping us "in line" was public shaming. My dad's was physical violence. Mom was all about "everything that made her look more successful" than she was... and her level of "that isn't working for me anymore" made it difficult to have a relationship with her because she would stop loving things with such ease.
Are you me? When I tested as DA I thought, sounds about right, why, is something wrong with it?
The "Practicing" segment around 11:00 honestly really makes me think of how people are great actors.
Carl Jung talked so much about the masks we wear, and this just taps into a core trait of human behavior.
How paradoxal it is that I am dismissive avoidant but a people pleaser and extremely empathetic
I was waiting for her shoe to fall off the whole time..
That might be the only reason to sit through this video.
It’s well known that an avoidant-avoidant paring is not common because neither prioritize one another or want to put themselves out there as vulnerability.
I’m avoidant and my ex was even more avoidant than me. We were in a polyamorous relationship. For me the polyamory was triggering avoidance even more to protect from heartbreak. But in a way I feel like he was the easiest partner to be with. We never argued it was always calm and smooth sailing. It ended because I fell in love with another partner and he wanted me to be monogamous with him. I chose the second because he was more fun. Now I’m questioning if I did the right thing because he’s very anxiously attached and I feel suffocated.
@@Farieclau there’s always outliers when it comes to humans. Polyamorous relationships are not uncommon for DAs (not as much for FA leaning avoidant) because you’re not solely making a commitment to just one person. Those core wound fears of loss of independence, autonomy, etc. aren’t triggered like they are in a traditional 2 person committed relationship. However, polyamory is highly unusual for anxiously attached individuals.
They are describing me to a tee except for the caregiving role. I stepped up to taking care of my elderly parents without a second thought. Granted I'm not very nurturing per se but I am very responsible. My role is more task oriented than anything else.
Well it explains why I have never been in a romantic relationship. I've ALWAYS been too busy living my life for that. LOL I am baffled at how people get in & out of relationships with no problem at all.
Is possible for one to change their attachments styles? I used to be anxious and now I’m dismissive attachment, after being hurt so many times in my past relationships
Absolutely Yes.
there are many courses and online support out there.
one is THAIS GIBSON - PDS
You’re most likely fearful avoidant, so you swing between anxious, or avoidant depending on the other person.
Yes, we can all heal an insecure attachment style to a secure one. You could also be fearful avoidant if you display both anxious and avoidant tendencies in relationships.
I'm dismissive avoidant too: this interview was like 1 person talking about me and the other person being me :)
I'm dismissive avoidant and my daughter, who has severe ADHD is anxious preoccupied. As a mom, i find her suffocating, and i feel bad feeling like that. I'm workaholic and hate managers who want weekly updates on projects. I hate people who are weak minded, complaint etc. When my boyfriend is around, after a day, i can't stand him. Talk to my good friends bi-weekly and sometimes monthly. A friend can end our friendship and I'll be like ok with no question asked. I don't call my parents and when they complaint, i tell them to be satisfied with once in a while and that they're too needy.
As a dismissive AA, I assume that all relationships are temporary. A self-fulfilling assumption if ever there was one.
me being this attachment style in medical school... 😬
I definitely feel like this is me. 💯
My partner prioritized chatting with his online VR chat friends more than me. He'd come home from his full time job and spend hours holed up in his office in our house talking and talking. He said he was trying to build a platform and get views for money. Ignoring me. It got to the point where I had a meltdown after trying to communicate with him how much that bothered me. We never had sex anymore. I threw my engagement ring at him. And the next day he packed up and left. He said he needed to spend a month at his parents. At this point I'm burnt out. I WILL NEVER DATE AN AVOIDENT EVER AGAIN.
Peter Banning (Robin Williams) in Hook is a textbook example of dismissive avoidant :)
Amazing video
It's funny he said he has to practice empathy. 😂 I always thought being able to empathize was a higher level of intelligence. But self-preservation and hyper-individualism could be a cultural thing. But I respect that he tried to develop what's lacking in him and learned to appreciate the ability of emotional expression👏🏻
10:43 wow as a DA this was so helpful
My current bf has an avoidant attachment. He do not want to deal with too much emotions and just shuts down when he already dealt with too much of it. It is very frustrating on my part because I tend to be verbally showy with my feelings. Even though he rarely shows his vulnerable side, I slowly learned how to accept him for who he is. I just hope that someday, he will learn how to be vulnerable with me, atleast for now, I will slowly build ourselves from the bottom
I hear you, but is it something you can live with even if he doesn’t change ?
@@Zeebooo nvm bro, we broke up 😆
@@ma.teresajadia aww I’m sure it must have been hard for you. I’m sorry about that, however you deserve to be treated with Love and respect, you deserve to be loved like the way Christ loves the church uttermost You deserve Great peace hence while you are on your daily duties or fulfilling purpose, someone amazing will Come your way 😃
I exhibit these traits strongly, I'm sitting here not missing people, I'm worried I'm a nomad... But I'm more worried that I care little for people I can really nurture with no return. Been there done that. Being raised by narcisstic parents. Really affects you. So damaging I fear.
Can you become fearful avoidant once a dismissive avoidant starts healing? Meaning, by opening that blockage in romantic relationships, it can make you become fearful as you become more vulnerable when letting the other person in?
Yes, just like AP’s experience fearful avoidance on their way to secure attachment. Simply operating out of your preffered style causes anxiety which tends to go down the more secure you become
"Love is long suffering." This is the verse I recall when trying to be a friend to someone with avoidant personality styles. No relationship, just friend to, not friends with. If I hadn't read about apd I would think someone I know is horribly rude. Even now, I consider walking off and ghosting them for good. Two years trying to be their friend. Bye!
The word is industrious.
I am absolutely a dismissive avoident. I will absolutely work on making eye contact with people that are expressing emotions. This is going to be tough.
Can we start off one way then go another? I was super anxious as a kid, everyone called me a worrier & I cried every day for my Mum the first year of school! As an adult I have noticed my Mum avoids all emotion and if I ever try talk to her about my worries she always changes the subject! Could I have learnt to eat my emotions as a child and try handle them myself? Because as an adult now I would say I am avoidant & very self reliant! But definitely not as a young child.
I really think Marry Ainsworth based on her groundbreaking work never described DA as subgroup of desorganized attachment style
Hi guys, I wanna know your opinion on this. So I've been dating this guy for 2 years now and he is an AVOIDANT! It's been 4 months since he left on seen (for no reason, like we didn't fight or anything, he just disappeared) and I still can't get over him cuz I really loved him and imagined all my future with him, and he made me believe that he loved me too, he literally told me that he would rather die than marrying someone other than me. Now the thing is this is not the first time that he does this, going months without talking is kind of a normal thing in our relationship. It's always me him who ignores me and always me who goes back to him. I've been trying to act like if it's okay and never said anything about this cuz I'm afraid this would push him away, but this time I'm tired! Like how can you tell someone that you love them and you would die for them and just ignore them like if they were complete strangers?! I've been trying to be understanding and not put any pressure on him, I've never said that we should be talking 24h/24, It's okay if he needs some space or wants to spend time by himself, but for 4 months?!! | don't think you can truly love some and still chose to go this entire time without talking to them!
What do you think guys?
I’m dealing with the same thing. I’m so sorry. All I can say is tell him how you feel and what your not gonna tolerate and unfortunately sweetie there’s nothing you can do beyond that. I’m wishing the best for you.
I think you are dating my ex. 😅 move on asap
It's not you, and there is not much you can do with how he reacts. I dated a dismissive avoidant for over a decade, I am 50% Secure, 33% DA and 17%FA. Our relationship came to a halt when I critized his inability to communicate. This was a problem and our only problem. He was a loving, giving and supportive partner. He ghosted me. He did reach after 7 months but we remain in no contact. I was disappointed and surprised, however I have yet to cry nor do I speak ill of him. He gave me so much and now I see his giving was his way of expressing how he felt. Had we been able to discuss our love languages or if he could tell me what he needed, we would be together now. I travel a lot and being separated for periods of time worked well for me because I am just that way. I thought it was working well for him as well. Anyway, I learned that criticism although unintentional killed our relationship. I am working on myself and loving me.
This is all describing me and I feel so sad that I lost my girlfriend because of my avoidant attachment style. Unfortunately, I didn't know any of this then. I just thought I didn't have feelings. Now I am so lost and broken but she won't accept to come back
Thats why people with dismissive avoidant attachment should stay single.
Hmm. What if you like this style 🤔 and feel there's no need to move to another one?
I only avoid when im very sad and tired and when i feel like im being mistreated and spoken for and labeled and not heard, then i feel like well, they mistreat me i react they label me and my real feelings are dismissed
I thought I was a DA, but this doesn’t describe me at all! I have too much empathy and was never a workaholic.
They find names for everything
My cat
Lol! how cute
what size heel is that ?
Fearful avoidant with a bit of dismissive. I can be snappy and cutting when I’m sad..
I was married to a dismissive avoidant and that was my nightmare because I have an anxious attachment style. He acted like he didn't care at all about me other than sexually. I felt used and abused and left and divorced him. I regret marrying him, I regret having met him. When he moved hundreds of miles away I went no contact and I feel so much better.
Why did you marry him?
I can’t believe I’m 40 years old and just figured out this is me!!🤦🏻♀️ In a relationship i appreciate when my partner is super busy but makes time for me once or twice a week. I can’t stand a needy winey person who constantly needs my acknowledgment!! But also on the contrary I’m super close with my sons. They are so independent but I’m very affectionate and nurturing with them. I love spending time with them. I tell them I love them and hug and kiss them everyday!! But as far as anyone outside of them, I use work and my children to avoid them wanting so much of my time lol🤦🏻♀️ I’m just appalled that I’m just finding this out.
My partner is a dismissive aviodant, I tend to run more towards anxious with him where i am secure in all my other relationships. I often feel used and discarded by him, i really try not to but it really does feel as if he only wants a relationship when it fills his needs it seems as if he no desire to express love to anyone else but wants love expressed to him in ways that feel good. We have chilren and he acts the same towards them. He is not a narcissist but it can look similar.
That sounds more like a narcissist than an avoidant
As someone with AVPD/DA I would agree with all these traits (how I may come off) except we, or I can feel overall suffocated with too much expressed emotions/'demands' especially by my loved ones.
Let me take the initiative.
I know however that we can procrastinate.
You can ask for help as a matter of fact when you need it and we'll surely rise to the occasion.
We may have a hard time accepting love.
Perhaps low sense of worth.
This can easily be abused by the more 'predatory' narcs even tho our traits can seem similar.
We, on the other hand may cause hurt by withdrawing, not gaslighting.
Hmm she says that DA can date DA but according to the book attached this actually doesn't happen they wouldn't ever commit to each other
im curious. if someone has parents who were as a child very emotional, but had no space for the childs emotion- could that easily lead to dismissive style? i dont recognize the fearful avoidant type. mom was always on the phone with her crack addicted brother and dying mother on the other side of the world, 6 hour long calls where she was highly emotional. when i would asked for food I was yelled at, that I could go and fix it myself: could i not see he was in a crisis?! (i was 9). Dinner was often served at 11 pm. Then often very very overprotective care. Not allowed to cut my hair, or shave at 15. Mom could be very sweet. But after arguments, sometimes ignored for days. Father was a cheater, but also took up a lot of space with needing his freedom- also, emotionally. parents very openly cry and out themself- me myself, can't do that. would love to hear someones take on this.
I think it can. Never had a crack addicted uncle or cheater father but my mom was like this, kind of anxious avoidant. Constantly screaming and crying herself but even at age 3-4 I wasn't allowed to. If I cried she yelled at me for being "weak". I confronted her about her coldness a few years ago and she insists that during the important years when I was a baby she held and comforted me, but who knows. Not sure why your mom couldn't call back in a half hour and make you dinner, but I do know that most people I know who are obsessed with "helping" others do it to fulfill their own needs. Were you considered an easy kid? I think emotionally immature parents are happy to play mother or father when it's easy but as soon as it's the least bit challenging they respond with anger and frustration.
I am also laughing because this is exactly like someone I know too.
10:47 he sounds like a sociopath lol