Walking away is a self care more than self respect. People abuse your love if they realize they have leash on you with it. So make them understand they mean nothing to you by proving they are not. How will you do? Find your purpose. Don't worry if they find someone else. Then it's never worth it. They're cheap and took you for granted.
This breakup is both the worse and the best thing that has happened to me. It allowed me to wake up and learn to love myself, take care of myself and grow to be a better person and see the world in a completly new light. i know that if we ever reconnect again it would be not a "come back" to how we were but a start of a new relationship with the new versions of ourselves. I still love her, i miss her with all i have and i can only hope that one day we can restart and rebuild something new, not because i need her, not because i want her back, but i really care about her and i wish i could be a part of her life, grow along with her support her and be happy for her. i know that it might never happen and i think im okay with it, im okay now without her so ill still be okay without her in the future. I think letting go of the extreme attachment i had for her finally made room to finally love her, because i truly just want her to be okay and happy, even if im not part of her life. I even acknowledge that the best she did was leaving me, because she really needed to go on the path she is on right now to really become and learn what she needs to learn and become. i really dont know about the future but there will always be a tiny hope that our paths cross again when we are both ready to love each other the right way, and not in a attachment way like we used to
@@veronicasilva557 i wish you all strenght for this, I've been relapsing these past few days, i really miss her a lot and it feels like life doesnt make sense without her
Got out of a 10-year this March. Best decision of my life. We had broken up with each other about 3 times each in the previous year but we would always get back together because we were so codependent. Finally made it final this March and now that I've had some time alone and can look at it objectively from a bird's eye view... we were making each other completely miserable. It was impossible for us to be happy together. Neither of us regret it and we actually still talk on the phone as friends (like real friends, not "secretly hoping we get back together" friends). Like... bro, I feel like I just got dropped into an RPG game or something, there are so many things I can do with my time and life and energy. So much of my mental space was devoted to making this thing work which was actively harming me. I picked up old hobbies, I started working more, I got in shape, started talking care-free with friends again, I quit drinking, my apartment is CLEAN, and I cook every day. The cloud of malaise that was coloring all my thoughts and always simmering on the backburner even when I was supposed to be relaxing, that cloud has been lifted. I didn't even know it was there until it was gone!! I wake up every day with no randomly-administered emotional damage in sight on my schedule. I just want to scream in victory because I defeated myself.
Im actually so thankful that you mentioned your own story 5:29 . I’m actually in almost the exact same situation: my current girlfriend has a lot of trubble in her life right now and I was her „hero“, she told me I gave her a will to life etc. But now she is starting to develop true self love and she is doing the things that she likes and my role of her happiness is almost completely gone. She used to be so clingy and attached, wanting my attention 24/7 and I loved it. I felt great in that role and I enjoyed making her happy. Now I should be happy for her, you know she finally found her inner self and her happiness isn’t reliant on me anymore, but deep inside it makes me struggle because I cannot feel my self worth anymore because my „purpose“ is somewhat gone. Thank you for saying this and for pointing it out. It made me realize that I’m attached and not in love
This is exactly why I cut ties with my ex. I could sense that once I was done helping her heal, the relationship would be over because she would take her newfound self-esteem elsewhere. As much as I hate to admit it, I think she only chose me because she was desperate at the time. Not to say that I'm not worthy or anything, but we had very little in common other than a neglectful upbringing. The dynamic could only continue if one of us felt responsible for saving the other, so when I started getting healthy, she would be praying on my downfall just to feel like the hero again. So toxic.
Very insightful video , and yet easier said then done , It is a differcult journey to look within but nesaccary to becoming whole and ultimately a better, caring person
Andrew, thank you for this great video. Your statement on dusting yourself off & having the inner courage to move on a different path is a very powerful motivation ❤️
Thanks for asking such a great question! There's a lot of nuance here so bear with me - there IS what is called a "secure" attachment style (as opposed to "anxious" and "avoidant" attachment styles which are characterized as "insecure") In layman's terms, it's possible to be healthily attached to somebody. It's when both partners have an "I'm okay - You're okay" attitude, and see their partner as just that, a partner and another living (beautifully flawed) human being. When we're insecurely attached, we start deriving our self-worth from the relationship. The relationship can become not a partnership, as such, but a bit of an addiction. This also damages our ability to be vulnerable and authentic with our partner because we're worried about messing with the source of our drug. Now, feeling pain over a loss is normal. Missing somebody is normal. Hurting after a breakup is absolutely okay, and I'd advocate for giving yourself a lot of time to feel through the pain and allow yourself to experience the hurt. Even if you're securely attached and love somebody, there's a very human part of you that will likely feel pain and anguish over them leaving, at least for a while. But the less secure we are, the more addicted, so to speak, then the more we can become stuck after a breakup. Stuck in a mire of emotions, past patterns, self judgments, and desperately wishing we had our ex back. Love allows you to experience who somebody really is, in all their uniqueness and beauty. Attachment (at least the insecure characteristics) is when you're basing your own worth on your ideas of somebody else. The trouble is that also leads to controlling, since we need to maintain that self worth. So to answer your question. Relationships are amazing. Discovering who somebody is, having a deep and real connection, and the capability to be intimate and authentic with people is a beautiful thing. Attachment actually gets in the way of real relationships being created and maintained because I'm so worried about ME that I can't connect with YOU. Attachment gets in the way of vulnerability and authenticity, which are the cornerstone of real relationships. If you can't be REAL with somebody, is there a relationship at all? A relationship between what, ideas of each other? Real, deep relationships are beautiful, and that's what I'd encourage people to explore creating for themselves. We also need to accept that sometimes those things end. It might be painful and hurtful. But that ending can be the start of a new journey for each person. It's when we look at that ending as THE END that we get stuck. I'm trying to help people get themselves unstuck, and to see that the ending of the relationship is merely the START of the next chapter. And we'll never learn and grow and become more comfortable with ourselves if we stay at the junction refusing to move. That's where a lot of broken people live their entire lives. TLDR: Creating and maintaining relationships is great. Too much identification and attachment actually get in the way of true relationship because we can't be vulnerable.
My pleasure! I appreciate the genuine question. There's a lot of nuance to these things, and it's challenging to navigate. Really I think one of the best things we can do is just do our best to start with some grace and compassion for ourselves and others, because even in the most insecure relationships, people are just doing their best.
She broke up with me. It hurt so bad. But I detached and focused on myself. I had a awakening to myself. I learned so much. I worked on my traumas, my triggers. Learned to love myself. Then it happened. We reconnected and we now are back together and my growth has benefitted us now. I'm a better communicator. I'm a better person for myself and for her.
Thank you so so much...I was with my partner for 8 years, we tried again but he has just ended it again for someone else. Im heartbroken and feel lost as I truly thought he was my soulmate but you are right, I'm just attached and addicted to him....addicted to the idea. I cant tell you how much this has helped me today and I've finally stopped crying! ❤
Right? Every video on no contact says things like, go NC and she'll definitely come back! Then you read the comments and see post after post of guys who had their ex come back, or say that NC works almost every time. Meanwhile you're sitting there like, I've never had it work once...
@@fuzzypanda1684The guy in this video said that you might get your ex back in the end to be fair, not guaranteed. And he explains that the most important thing with no contact is that you move forward. Don’t have any hope that they will come back and focus on you. If they come back then great but if not then you will be fine.
I love how you broke this concept down. This is so much needed!
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Damn I've listened to some good explanations, and your communication skills hit the nail on the head with me. Fell in love with a new next door neighbor. She never would let me behind her veneer. But man did I love her. 15 months later, she moved an unemployed street urchin in devasted and confused ive been ghosted with zero sight or word from her. Un believable pain. she blocked me and disappeared inside her house. 6 weeks now I haven't seen or heard a word. But I am honoring her actions. I completely stopped trying and am trying to move forward. I thought life was over early on, but after yours and others videos daily life is getting better. She did tell me early on, that she was sexually assaulted by two family members as a child. This went on for 5 years. She's Korean and her parents always blamed and shamed her for the rapes. She was 5 years old when it started. I guess they call that avoidant personality disorder. I only wish I'd known about it when times were good as I would have been less Affectionate and more space aware. So now heartache is slowly turning into empathy. I love her dearly but accept it better now. Thank you.
Just found your channel and have been binge watching. Appreciate your insights into these topics and already feeling better about where I’m at with a recent breakup. 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for your guidance and wisdom. Your content and the way you articulate the information is really great. Keep up the good work. You're making a huge difference to many peoples lives ❤
I wanted to reach out to sincerely thank you for taking the time to not only read, but also respond (in complete length with reflection) to everything I had said and even more. You truly a very empathetic and caring person beyond just the views that most TH-camrs tend to have. If there’s anything I can do to show you my support in your photography or TH-cam Channel, please let me know!
Beautiful video, yt recommend... I can only say thank you, coz i really feel fuc*ed up and i needed to hear this like i didnt know... it's so hard, but. I'll give my best. Soo thaaaank you!❤ Cheers from Serbia
Whats the definition of moving on? My ex was with someone days later. Broke up 2 months ago but im not interested in being in a relationship. In no contact i dont watch her socials , text or anything. She watches my snaps whenever i post but thats like once a week.
No contact might bring some of them back but they will walk away again as soon as they know they can get you back. I had multiple experiences with no contact and it actually never really bring people back who STAY.
As I said during the video, if you're using no contact as a strategy to get somebody, it won't work well. Because you're trying to get your addiction back, right? So when the person comes back, you go right back to how things were before (and how they were before was a relationship that fell apart) As I see it, true reconnection has to allow both you and the other person to allow yourselves to change and grow and reconnect in a NEW way, not to go back to the old way. Because the old way didn't work, by it's very definition. If you've broken out of craving the old way and instead embraced your new journey and the opportunity for growth, now you might relate to that person differently, allowing the relationship to not fall back into that same old pattern
@@andrewvanhoff Don't tell me 😄 I'm aware of all of that since I study that topic since many many years. In my experience it is more the men that don't do the work. As you said, it takes both and this is why no contact mostly fail.
@@Polly1589 Only holistic compatibility devoid of social influences can make a "runner" realize they need to let their ego crumble and come back for good. You are correct that men are less likely to do so since they are much more pragmatic and shallow in relationships and their ego is very rigid and huge.
Really what I do, and it’s worked once before and I’m in day 59 of no contact now! I state that I don’t agree with this, I want to work things out I want them and then I tell her I’m gonna leave you be and I want you to reach out to me when you’re ready to talk! And then, this is the longest I’ve waited but so be it!
I had to just block her. She wanted to be friends but while she’s in a new relationship… 😅 Letting go is hard but worth it. I finally never expect to reply her because she was the one messaging me daily while she was in a new relationship. Complaining about it being hard but just keeping me around. The attachment was indeed there but once you realise there is more to the world than an ex, you start healing. Now friends keep telling me that she wants to talk. No contact works. Do not do no contact just to get someone back. Heal and move on!! This guy knows what he talks about. ❤
10:36 if we couldn't change in the relationship together why would I take you back only for you to leave again? Why should I take back someone who can afford to lose me?
It all depends on why they left you. If they left you for normal reasons, you can probably get them back. But if they left you for someone else, there's ZERO chance. It doesn't matter how strong your love, connection, or trust was, the moment they got butterflies for them, all of the attraction and interest they had for you disappeared, and it will never come back. It's almost impossible to accept that the years you spent together mean less to her than the guy she just met last week, but it's a reminder that NO girl is different, special, or incapable of up and leaving you without warning. No matter how hard she's worked or how many times she's proved that you can completely trust her, understand that EVERY girl is capable of losing all attraction and interest for you in an instant, and leaving you the next day without a care that you'll never see each other again. Yes, even this one.
Wish my ex will return. We had ldr for 3.6 years...we had some serios fights and because evrrything gets harder, he left. He said I should also move on because his feelings are gone. 3 months passed, and I only tried few times to reconnect but he blocked me and didn't text at all
Hi there! Just watched a few of your videos and really learning about my mistakes in a relationship w an avoidant partner. My problem is when he’s avoiding me I’m assuming he’s over the relationship and I end things or ask him if he wants to leave. This was his last text to me…do you think there’s still hope? “I didn't say i wanted u out u said that I never said stop texting me or any of that U said that all by urself I think we need to just give each other a break for a bit after this one honestly now cuz I d9nt want either of us getting upset at each other it's unnecessary TTYL”
if a thought of writing to her haunts me daily, it’s hard to work and focus on my life, maybe i should just do it to feel better? i even if she doesn’t wanna see me, maybe i gonna feel better anyways?
I’ve been in this scenario before. I can tell you I always regret caving and reaching out. Even if you get a response, it very likely won’t be the one you want. Your anxiety is pushing you around but remember - weakness is unattractive.
@@Kavilion yeah i know deep inside i should let her be the one to reach out first, but the thoughts are haunting me… thanks for reply bro, what do u think if i’m an attractive guy, does it improve my chances with her? are you solid yourself or u were shooting above your league? don’t wanna be disrespectful but it matters, u know
@@RedRumble14 She’s a little bit out of my league and a lot younger. She showed a lot of avoidant tendencies, then just ghosted me out of nowhere after an amazing four months. They say avoidants feel relief to have their freedom back for months before processing their grief, and reaching out before they’re ready just pushes them away further.
@@RedRumble14 I know the haunting you’re talking about. My anxiety is through the roof, consistently trying to make me believe it’s all a misunderstanding and reaching out would at least relieve it. I know deep down it won’t. If she knows I’m just waiting around she’s in no fear of losing me.
@@Kavilion thanks for your honesty bro… i’ll wait till autumn anyways and then decide. in the meantime working on myself, and she watches this stuff in my insta stories. although i guess at some point i will have to go on an imaginary date with her to the places and cafes we ve been together in the past. gonna imagine our talks to therapise myself a bit. i know i sound like a simp, but i really am solid guy, 8+ . it’s just…there is always this one girl who got you, u know… she may be a 10 tbh
It depends. If she left you for any other reason, she might come back. But if she left you FOR another guy, yeah, she's not coming back. It's infuriating how they never talk about this very important detail.
I want to make friendship with my colleague. Seems I was trying too much and overthinking last weeks. I should let go. I’ll try this strategy on her. Thanks
You likely were trying too much and overthinking - and you might still be doing that if you're seeing this as a strategy to try on somebody. Respectfully, I don't think it's a strategy to use "on somebody" at all. It's a new way of seeing things that MAY change the way people react to you, but it starts from understanding, not really "planning".
do I need to cut contact for their family also? eventhough my situationship dosnt end well, I always care with her family 😢 idk what to do please God help me this hurt so much
I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. Give yourself some grace and some patience. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck, and that's part of the process. It's about being there for yourself throughout the process, instead of blaming/hurting/abandoning yourself throughout the process. That said, like I mentioned in the video I think it's less about cutting off contact with others and really more about reestablishing contact with yourself. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with keeping contact with exes or their families, it's just that we often do that at the expense of our own lives. So I'd say you can maintain (or cut) contact with whoever you'd like, so long as you're able to internally accept that you can't control what's going to happen, and start to move on in your own life. It's really the staying mentally stuck on the ex that hurts us the most. When we're refusing to continue our own lives, that's what does the most damage. I see no contact as a part of embracing our own lives because we are forced to sever those ties that are holding us back - but if you understand the whole process and you're okay with things being what they are, then there's no real reason you couldn't continue to occasionally talk. But part of that is accepting that the other person might not WANT to talk. And that's okay too, as much as it might hurt. Most importantly, take some time to breathe, maybe go outside, reconnect with yourself and life and nature. It's so easy to get stuck in a mental doomspiral over these things, and reestablishing contact with reality is a huge help.
6 months and now we are in no contact for 15 days. I allowed it all, and I insisted... I went no contact 15 days ago, and yesterday, I blocked him. He has shown no interest... we were seeing each other regularly and spending a lot of time together, then nothing. Nos closure. I am going thru a really rough time. Can he still come back?
Firstly, I truly feel for your pain. (In fact I cried myself to sleep for about a month following the breakup I talked about in the video) That said, it's okay to miss somebody and give yourself time to grieve and feel pain. We're all human after all. What I encourage for you is some reflection on that little mental exercise I mentioned, visualizing the fork in the path, and then giving yourself permission to explore your new path. If you're still wanting her there, then ironically you're also still carrying her with you. Letting go of that person (more importantly your ideas about that person) is what will allow you to move forward. So my honest advice would be to stop pursuing no contact as a "tactic" or something you need to do for a certain timeframe and start living your own life again. No contact isn't a method as far as I see it, but rather an attitude of openness and acceptance towards life.
Well sometimes this doesn’t work . Sometimes the relationship is just over. I was with my x for over 5 years . We’ve now been apart 3 months . She did reach out 2 months ago saying she did miss me and this and that and I did everything they said to do . Since then haven’t heard from her 🤷 so sometimes you do everything right and it doesn’t work. M
This is not about "going to die." Only Young Wurther does,mst don't. It's about living poorly, without fulfillment, when the possibility was there - which for some might be worse than dying.
Can a girl increase her interest in me if i just go no contact with her for couple months while simultaneously showing a cool lifestyle and pre-selections by my social media? ( we follow each other on the Gram) And then can I just reply to one of her stories and light heartedly ask her out like no big deal? We are cool with each other right now, although she s seeing someone in a long distance relationship I guess.
No, dont do it.. she is human being, dont play stupid game. She wont interested with you, she might be want you to talk with her but her respect to you will lose
I don't know how old you two are but this sounds like an immature and selfish approach to communicate with someone. These games won't help you nor her. If you two are on good terms and you decided to go no contact for whatever reason, use the time to actual heal, focus on yourself and completely detach from her if there's any obsession left. You will feel happier in the long run. And after that only contact her if you're genuinely interested in how she's doing and not as a tool for your own ego.
Should i contact my ex after 3 monts of breakup? she broke up with me. No contact started after 1 week. After 2 monts she blocked me on instagram - i dont know why, only on instagram. We dont follow each other after breakup so I didn't look at her profile. Why she blocked me after 2 monts? Does she feel any emotions towards me? No contact is better option for me right now?
Sounds like it's still going through your head a lot. You should not contact her until you basically stop caring about her completely. You can focus on yourself for a while. And then, maybe contact them. But that will be more than a year from now most likely.
@@RedRumble14 no it was a long distance thing but he was giving me hope for months then disappeared when things were suppose to actually happen, then got into no contact while still watching every piece of my life, then again starting to like my random photos when he found out I came back for holiday. But I realised I will never accept this low effort anymore. I deleted him on social media. And yes still loving him but self-respect is more important.
That’s a horrible thing to do to someone you love. It’s not heathy to do this relationship after relationship because you leave things unfinished.its a jerk move. It’s controlling and ridiculous!
What's controlling and ridiculous? Deciding to focus on yourself after a breakup? I'm not sure I understand what you mean. This video is aimed at people who have been LEFT (or would probably see it that way, at least) and are wasting away, pining after somebody who is no longer showing interest in them. Maybe they're obsessively checking their texts, constantly thinking about the person, they might be incredibly anxious worrying about what's going to happen next. I agree that leaving things unfinished relationship after relationship is a bad move. I'm encouraging people to accept that it's finished, and realize there's still a lot of hope and possibility out there. That's all.
Let me be brutally honest guys, no contact doesn't always work. 80% of the time it doesn't work, because that's how human beings are, ego, pride, shame, embarassment always dominate our psychology. These people will say anything just to sell their courses and get more views. 20 % of times you may reconcile. But if they have broken up with you, 80 % of the time they don't come back whether you apply the no contact rule or not. Because coming back a person thinks too many times whether their decision was right or wrong. It's no very pleasant to accept that one made a wrong decision. So for the sake of making peace with themselves they don't come back and make peace with you. Every decision for something is a decision against something. I have applied no contact rule, took course from various so called coaches, nope, doesn't work. And I have been subjected to no contact by the other person too. I never returned, because if the other person decides to use a manipulative tool like no contact on me, he isn't worth it.
Did you even watch the video...? Because I feel like I agree with pretty much everything you're saying here, and a lot of this is in the video as well. Except for me being one of "these people who will say anything to sell their courses". What is it that I'm saying/selling exactly?
I get what you’re saying. At the end of the day, there are forces at work that are greater than you or me. Your ex probably had something very very very bad going on. Rejection is protection.
I disegree. No contact rule shouldn't be used as a tool to get someone bak. It's to heal yourself alone. Maybe sometimes it gets someone back, but there must be better means to get such a goal. These kind of advice can be misleading, in my opinion.
Walk away and have self respect, detach and let go. Only then you may be able to attract her or a better person and live a better life, but paradoxically you should not let go and detach for the sake of bringing them back or attracting anyone, but for you to be satisfied and happy with your life.
I don’t want my ex back. He’s a piece of crap. But it’s still hard to process the breakup, especially since I know he’s lying about his reasons for leaving me, and I want him to know that I know, because he thinks I’m a fool. He was verbally and emotionally abusive but also SO kind and sweet, anticipating my needs and catering to me. This is the most painful breakup I’ve ever had, and I’m not a young woman. And it was only 2 years. I’ve decided not to contact him. He has called and said he wants to talk, but he’s a manipulator and I don’t want to hear it. I know he doesn’t want me back and is just using me. I refuse to have any contact with him. He has destroyed my dignity and scraped me off the bottom of his shoe. He preyed on me because I’m kind, honest and have low self-esteem. He smelled the blood in the water.
Was going through it pretty bad, your videos helped me come back to reality. Still hard but getting easier. Thank you
Walking away is a self care more than self respect. People abuse your love if they realize they have leash on you with it. So make them understand they mean nothing to you by proving they are not. How will you do? Find your purpose. Don't worry if they find someone else. Then it's never worth it. They're cheap and took you for granted.
I was attached but when we finally parted my life felt so free and i finally found my joy again.
You got some great perspectives on no contact and Detachment that not many others are speaking like. Much appreciated.
This breakup is both the worse and the best thing that has happened to me. It allowed me to wake up and learn to love myself, take care of myself and grow to be a better person and see the world in a completly new light. i know that if we ever reconnect again it would be not a "come back" to how we were but a start of a new relationship with the new versions of ourselves. I still love her, i miss her with all i have and i can only hope that one day we can restart and rebuild something new, not because i need her, not because i want her back, but i really care about her and i wish i could be a part of her life, grow along with her support her and be happy for her. i know that it might never happen and i think im okay with it, im okay now without her so ill still be okay without her in the future. I think letting go of the extreme attachment i had for her finally made room to finally love her, because i truly just want her to be okay and happy, even if im not part of her life. I even acknowledge that the best she did was leaving me, because she really needed to go on the path she is on right now to really become and learn what she needs to learn and become. i really dont know about the future but there will always be a tiny hope that our paths cross again when we are both ready to love each other the right way, and not in a attachment way like we used to
this is the state I wish to reach, your situation is so similar to mine!
@@veronicasilva557 i wish you all strenght for this, I've been relapsing these past few days, i really miss her a lot and it feels like life doesnt make sense without her
Got out of a 10-year this March. Best decision of my life. We had broken up with each other about 3 times each in the previous year but we would always get back together because we were so codependent. Finally made it final this March and now that I've had some time alone and can look at it objectively from a bird's eye view... we were making each other completely miserable. It was impossible for us to be happy together. Neither of us regret it and we actually still talk on the phone as friends (like real friends, not "secretly hoping we get back together" friends). Like... bro, I feel like I just got dropped into an RPG game or something, there are so many things I can do with my time and life and energy. So much of my mental space was devoted to making this thing work which was actively harming me. I picked up old hobbies, I started working more, I got in shape, started talking care-free with friends again, I quit drinking, my apartment is CLEAN, and I cook every day. The cloud of malaise that was coloring all my thoughts and always simmering on the backburner even when I was supposed to be relaxing, that cloud has been lifted. I didn't even know it was there until it was gone!! I wake up every day with no randomly-administered emotional damage in sight on my schedule. I just want to scream in victory because I defeated myself.
@@tongpoo8985I’m happy for you! Well done. I really hope I can get to this point asap.
Best comment that i read about break ups. Thats the right way that i feel actually and i hope that everything will be good. For you and me bro.
The best explanation ive ever heard on this subject.
Im actually so thankful that you mentioned your own story 5:29 . I’m actually in almost the exact same situation: my current girlfriend has a lot of trubble in her life right now and I was her „hero“, she told me I gave her a will to life etc. But now she is starting to develop true self love and she is doing the things that she likes and my role of her happiness is almost completely gone. She used to be so clingy and attached, wanting my attention 24/7 and I loved it. I felt great in that role and I enjoyed making her happy. Now I should be happy for her, you know she finally found her inner self and her happiness isn’t reliant on me anymore, but deep inside it makes me struggle because I cannot feel my self worth anymore because my „purpose“ is somewhat gone. Thank you for saying this and for pointing it out. It made me realize that I’m attached and not in love
This is exactly why I cut ties with my ex. I could sense that once I was done helping her heal, the relationship would be over because she would take her newfound self-esteem elsewhere. As much as I hate to admit it, I think she only chose me because she was desperate at the time. Not to say that I'm not worthy or anything, but we had very little in common other than a neglectful upbringing. The dynamic could only continue if one of us felt responsible for saving the other, so when I started getting healthy, she would be praying on my downfall just to feel like the hero again. So toxic.
It's been 3 and a half months, and I've internally started to realize this, but you saying it out loud was really powerful.
I think this popping on my feed was divine timing!❤️😇
Can't agree more
same for me lol
Very insightful video , and yet easier said then done , It is a differcult journey to look within but nesaccary to becoming whole and ultimately a better, caring person
Andrew, thank you for this great video. Your statement on dusting yourself off & having the inner courage to move on a different path is a very powerful motivation ❤️
If we don't get attached to people then why create and maintain relationships?
Thanks for asking such a great question!
There's a lot of nuance here so bear with me - there IS what is called a "secure" attachment style (as opposed to "anxious" and "avoidant" attachment styles which are characterized as "insecure")
In layman's terms, it's possible to be healthily attached to somebody. It's when both partners have an "I'm okay - You're okay" attitude, and see their partner as just that, a partner and another living (beautifully flawed) human being.
When we're insecurely attached, we start deriving our self-worth from the relationship. The relationship can become not a partnership, as such, but a bit of an addiction. This also damages our ability to be vulnerable and authentic with our partner because we're worried about messing with the source of our drug.
Now, feeling pain over a loss is normal. Missing somebody is normal. Hurting after a breakup is absolutely okay, and I'd advocate for giving yourself a lot of time to feel through the pain and allow yourself to experience the hurt.
Even if you're securely attached and love somebody, there's a very human part of you that will likely feel pain and anguish over them leaving, at least for a while.
But the less secure we are, the more addicted, so to speak, then the more we can become stuck after a breakup. Stuck in a mire of emotions, past patterns, self judgments, and desperately wishing we had our ex back.
Love allows you to experience who somebody really is, in all their uniqueness and beauty. Attachment (at least the insecure characteristics) is when you're basing your own worth on your ideas of somebody else. The trouble is that also leads to controlling, since we need to maintain that self worth.
So to answer your question. Relationships are amazing. Discovering who somebody is, having a deep and real connection, and the capability to be intimate and authentic with people is a beautiful thing.
Attachment actually gets in the way of real relationships being created and maintained because I'm so worried about ME that I can't connect with YOU. Attachment gets in the way of vulnerability and authenticity, which are the cornerstone of real relationships. If you can't be REAL with somebody, is there a relationship at all? A relationship between what, ideas of each other? Real, deep relationships are beautiful, and that's what I'd encourage people to explore creating for themselves.
We also need to accept that sometimes those things end. It might be painful and hurtful. But that ending can be the start of a new journey for each person. It's when we look at that ending as THE END that we get stuck.
I'm trying to help people get themselves unstuck, and to see that the ending of the relationship is merely the START of the next chapter. And we'll never learn and grow and become more comfortable with ourselves if we stay at the junction refusing to move. That's where a lot of broken people live their entire lives.
TLDR: Creating and maintaining relationships is great. Too much identification and attachment actually get in the way of true relationship because we can't be vulnerable.
I want to thank you very much for your response, all your work helps me move towards my authenticity
My pleasure! I appreciate the genuine question. There's a lot of nuance to these things, and it's challenging to navigate. Really I think one of the best things we can do is just do our best to start with some grace and compassion for ourselves and others, because even in the most insecure relationships, people are just doing their best.
@@andrewvanhoff what a huge answer, thanks brother for sharing wisdom
Because love sex etc os something we share with the other person not attachment
She broke up with me. It hurt so bad. But I detached and focused on myself. I had a awakening to myself. I learned so much. I worked on my traumas, my triggers. Learned to love myself. Then it happened. We reconnected and we now are back together and my growth has benefitted us now. I'm a better communicator. I'm a better person for myself and for her.
Thank you so so much...I was with my partner for 8 years, we tried again but he has just ended it again for someone else. Im heartbroken and feel lost as I truly thought he was my soulmate but you are right, I'm just attached and addicted to him....addicted to the idea. I cant tell you how much this has helped me today and I've finally stopped crying! ❤
Time heals all wounds. And distance too!
Andrew, Thanks for this fresh persepective. I need this kind of advice now...
No contact is horseshit to get someone back, it’s for you and you alone. It’s good for you, do it and never look back.
Right? Every video on no contact says things like, go NC and she'll definitely come back! Then you read the comments and see post after post of guys who had their ex come back, or say that NC works almost every time. Meanwhile you're sitting there like, I've never had it work once...
@@fuzzypanda1684The guy in this video said that you might get your ex back in the end to be fair, not guaranteed. And he explains that the most important thing with no contact is that you move forward. Don’t have any hope that they will come back and focus on you. If they come back then great but if not then you will be fine.
I love how you broke this concept down. This is so much needed!
Damn I've listened to some good explanations, and your communication skills hit the nail on the head with me.
Fell in love with a new next door neighbor. She never would let me behind her veneer. But man did I love her. 15 months later, she moved an unemployed street urchin in devasted and confused ive been ghosted with zero sight or word from her. Un believable pain. she blocked me and disappeared inside her house. 6 weeks now I haven't seen or heard a word. But I am honoring her actions. I completely stopped trying and am trying to move forward. I thought life was over early on, but after yours and others videos daily life is getting better. She did tell me early on, that she was sexually assaulted by two family members as a child. This went on for 5 years. She's Korean and her parents always blamed and shamed her for the rapes. She was 5 years old when it started. I guess they call that avoidant personality disorder. I only wish I'd known about it when times were good as I would have been less Affectionate and more space aware. So now heartache is slowly turning into empathy. I love her dearly but accept it better now. Thank you.
Thank you 🙏 for your beautiful work and for sharing with us 😊
Just found your channel and have been binge watching. Appreciate your insights into these topics and already feeling better about where I’m at with a recent breakup. 🙏🏼
Just came across your content and find your perspectives really resonating with me. Look forward to seeing future content from you.
Thank you so much for your guidance and wisdom. Your content and the way you articulate the information is really great. Keep up the good work. You're making a huge difference to many peoples lives ❤
Another informative vid, thanks! Keep the hands out of the way and under control Andrew. Keep up the amazing work 😊
Please keep up with your videos. You’re explanations are great!
I wanted to reach out to sincerely thank you for taking the time to not only read, but also respond (in complete length with reflection) to everything I had said and even more. You truly a very empathetic and caring person beyond just the views that most TH-camrs tend to have. If there’s anything I can do to show you my support in your photography or TH-cam Channel, please let me know!
I love your videos. They are helping me tremendously. Thank you.
Beautiful video, yt recommend... I can only say thank you, coz i really feel fuc*ed up and i needed to hear this like i didnt know... it's so hard, but. I'll give my best. Soo thaaaank you!❤ Cheers from Serbia
You better preach Andrew!!!! Good word!
Wow l have watched 3 days of videos but this guy. Has the best advice thank you
Whats the definition of moving on? My ex was with someone days later. Broke up 2 months ago but im not interested in being in a relationship. In no contact i dont watch her socials , text or anything. She watches my snaps whenever i post but thats like once a week.
Women just move on like you was nothing.
No contact might bring some of them back but they will walk away again as soon as they know they can get you back. I had multiple experiences with no contact and it actually never really bring people back who STAY.
As I said during the video, if you're using no contact as a strategy to get somebody, it won't work well. Because you're trying to get your addiction back, right? So when the person comes back, you go right back to how things were before (and how they were before was a relationship that fell apart)
As I see it, true reconnection has to allow both you and the other person to allow yourselves to change and grow and reconnect in a NEW way, not to go back to the old way. Because the old way didn't work, by it's very definition.
If you've broken out of craving the old way and instead embraced your new journey and the opportunity for growth, now you might relate to that person differently, allowing the relationship to not fall back into that same old pattern
@@andrewvanhoff Don't tell me 😄 I'm aware of all of that since I study that topic since many many years. In my experience it is more the men that don't do the work. As you said, it takes both and this is why no contact mostly fail.
@@Polly1589 Only holistic compatibility devoid of social influences can make a "runner" realize they need to let their ego crumble and come back for good. You are correct that men are less likely to do so since they are much more pragmatic and shallow in relationships and their ego is very rigid and huge.
Brilliant & very accurate approach!!!
Well explained. Thank you.
It's been a month and each day I'm learning to be happy by myself. I'm back into bodybuilding just working on myself.
Really what I do, and it’s worked once before and I’m in day 59 of no contact now! I state that I don’t agree with this, I want to work things out I want them and then I tell her I’m gonna leave you be and I want you to reach out to me when you’re ready to talk! And then, this is the longest I’ve waited but so be it!
I had to just block her. She wanted to be friends but while she’s in a new relationship… 😅
Letting go is hard but worth it. I finally never expect to reply her because she was the one messaging me daily while she was in a new relationship. Complaining about it being hard but just keeping me around. The attachment was indeed there but once you realise there is more to the world than an ex, you start healing. Now friends keep telling me that she wants to talk. No contact works.
Do not do no contact just to get someone back. Heal and move on!! This guy knows what he talks about. ❤
Absolutely.
10:36 if we couldn't change in the relationship together why would I take you back only for you to leave again? Why should I take back someone who can afford to lose me?
It all depends on why they left you. If they left you for normal reasons, you can probably get them back. But if they left you for someone else, there's ZERO chance. It doesn't matter how strong your love, connection, or trust was, the moment they got butterflies for them, all of the attraction and interest they had for you disappeared, and it will never come back.
It's almost impossible to accept that the years you spent together mean less to her than the guy she just met last week, but it's a reminder that NO girl is different, special, or incapable of up and leaving you without warning.
No matter how hard she's worked or how many times she's proved that you can completely trust her, understand that EVERY girl is capable of losing all attraction and interest for you in an instant, and leaving you the next day without a care that you'll never see each other again. Yes, even this one.
Exactly
NEVER trust ANY woman.
Never ever go back to lover. Never. Move on.
Are you allowed to tell your ex you are going in to no contact? When is it too late?
Great video❤
Wish my ex will return. We had ldr for 3.6 years...we had some serios fights and because evrrything gets harder, he left. He said I should also move on because his feelings are gone. 3 months passed, and I only tried few times to reconnect but he blocked me and didn't text at all
Does this apply to a low interest woman i like? I got nowhere but think about her all the time
NC never works on women
Hi there! Just watched a few of your videos and really learning about my mistakes in a relationship w an avoidant partner. My problem is when he’s avoiding me I’m assuming he’s over the relationship and I end things or ask him if he wants to leave. This was his last text to me…do you think there’s still hope?
“I didn't say i wanted u out u said that
I never said stop texting me or any of that
U said that all by urself
I think we need to just give each other a break for a bit after this one honestly now cuz I d9nt want either of us getting upset at each other it's unnecessary TTYL”
This is really interesting.
not working
if a thought of writing to her haunts me daily, it’s hard to work and focus on my life, maybe i should just do it to feel better?
i even if she doesn’t wanna see me, maybe i gonna feel better anyways?
I’ve been in this scenario before. I can tell you I always regret caving and reaching out. Even if you get a response, it very likely won’t be the one you want. Your anxiety is pushing you around but remember - weakness is unattractive.
@@Kavilion yeah i know deep inside i should let her be the one to reach out first, but the thoughts are haunting me…
thanks for reply bro, what do u think if i’m an attractive guy, does it improve my chances with her? are you solid yourself or u were shooting above your league?
don’t wanna be disrespectful but it matters, u know
@@RedRumble14 She’s a little bit out of my league and a lot younger. She showed a lot of avoidant tendencies, then just ghosted me out of nowhere after an amazing four months. They say avoidants feel relief to have their freedom back for months before processing their grief, and reaching out before they’re ready just pushes them away further.
@@RedRumble14 I know the haunting you’re talking about. My anxiety is through the roof, consistently trying to make me believe it’s all a misunderstanding and reaching out would at least relieve it. I know deep down it won’t. If she knows I’m just waiting around she’s in no fear of losing me.
@@Kavilion thanks for your honesty bro… i’ll wait till autumn anyways and then decide.
in the meantime working on myself, and she watches this stuff in my insta stories.
although i guess at some point i will have to go on an imaginary date with her to the places and cafes we ve been together in the past. gonna imagine our talks to therapise myself a bit.
i know i sound like a simp, but i really am solid guy, 8+ . it’s just…there is always this one girl who got you, u know… she may be a 10 tbh
Should i check out my ex snaps during no contact.?
I followed 30 days no contact
But i want to do more no contact
If you're watching this video trust me. She's not coming back
It depends. If she left you for any other reason, she might come back. But if she left you FOR another guy, yeah, she's not coming back. It's infuriating how they never talk about this very important detail.
Mine did
@cluezybluez We're all happy for you.
i fail to see how they can change when they went into a new relo within a few months after seperation after 5 years together with you.
I want to make friendship with my colleague. Seems I was trying too much and overthinking last weeks. I should let go. I’ll try this strategy on her. Thanks
You likely were trying too much and overthinking - and you might still be doing that if you're seeing this as a strategy to try on somebody.
Respectfully, I don't think it's a strategy to use "on somebody" at all. It's a new way of seeing things that MAY change the way people react to you, but it starts from understanding, not really "planning".
Attachment and co dependency can be 2 different things.
do I need to cut contact for their family also? eventhough my situationship dosnt end well, I always care with her family 😢 idk what to do please God help me this hurt so much
I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain. Give yourself some grace and some patience. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna suck, and that's part of the process. It's about being there for yourself throughout the process, instead of blaming/hurting/abandoning yourself throughout the process.
That said, like I mentioned in the video I think it's less about cutting off contact with others and really more about reestablishing contact with yourself. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with keeping contact with exes or their families, it's just that we often do that at the expense of our own lives. So I'd say you can maintain (or cut) contact with whoever you'd like, so long as you're able to internally accept that you can't control what's going to happen, and start to move on in your own life.
It's really the staying mentally stuck on the ex that hurts us the most. When we're refusing to continue our own lives, that's what does the most damage. I see no contact as a part of embracing our own lives because we are forced to sever those ties that are holding us back - but if you understand the whole process and you're okay with things being what they are, then there's no real reason you couldn't continue to occasionally talk.
But part of that is accepting that the other person might not WANT to talk. And that's okay too, as much as it might hurt.
Most importantly, take some time to breathe, maybe go outside, reconnect with yourself and life and nature. It's so easy to get stuck in a mental doomspiral over these things, and reestablishing contact with reality is a huge help.
Stop trying all together 😅sounds scary but I’m here to learn
6 months and now we are in no contact for 15 days. I allowed it all, and I insisted... I went no contact 15 days ago, and yesterday, I blocked him. He has shown no interest... we were seeing each other regularly and spending a lot of time together, then nothing. Nos closure. I am going thru a really rough time. Can he still come back?
My ex contacted me 3 days after no contact. She asked to hang and we did. But how should I play this. Should still go back to no contact?
How long is too long? I have completed 1 year of no contact and I still miss her every single day.
The point is to let go. Not for them to come back. To fill your life with so much happiness that your detach from the outcome
Firstly, I truly feel for your pain. (In fact I cried myself to sleep for about a month following the breakup I talked about in the video)
That said, it's okay to miss somebody and give yourself time to grieve and feel pain. We're all human after all.
What I encourage for you is some reflection on that little mental exercise I mentioned, visualizing the fork in the path, and then giving yourself permission to explore your new path.
If you're still wanting her there, then ironically you're also still carrying her with you. Letting go of that person (more importantly your ideas about that person) is what will allow you to move forward.
So my honest advice would be to stop pursuing no contact as a "tactic" or something you need to do for a certain timeframe and start living your own life again. No contact isn't a method as far as I see it, but rather an attitude of openness and acceptance towards life.
@@andrewvanhoff I really appreciate your support and advice. Thanks 👍
@@enyawdgink3926
I understand what you're going through. Live your life, you've waited enough. There's someone better out there. Sab theek ho jayega.
Loved your explanation.. Thanks so much.. needed this today.. ♥️♥️
Well sometimes this doesn’t work . Sometimes the relationship is just over. I was with my x for over 5 years . We’ve now been apart 3 months . She did reach out 2 months ago saying she did miss me and this and that and I did everything they said to do . Since then haven’t heard from her 🤷 so sometimes you do everything right and it doesn’t work. M
It does not work with women.
@@marguskiis7711 Yep seems that way
This is not about "going to die." Only Young Wurther does,mst don't. It's about living poorly, without fulfillment, when the possibility was there - which for some might be worse than dying.
Can a girl increase her interest in me if i just go no contact with her for couple months while simultaneously showing a cool lifestyle and pre-selections by my social media? ( we follow each other on the Gram)
And then can I just reply to one of her stories and light heartedly ask her out like no big deal?
We are cool with each other right now, although she s seeing someone in a long distance relationship I guess.
No, dont do it.. she is human being, dont play stupid game. She wont interested with you, she might be want you to talk with her but her respect to you will lose
@@CaraVinh can i just write “how she s doing” for an interest check?
if her replies are dry, i won’t proceed
@@RedRumble14 too much game
I don't know how old you two are but this sounds like an immature and selfish approach to communicate with someone. These games won't help you nor her.
If you two are on good terms and you decided to go no contact for whatever reason, use the time to actual heal, focus on yourself and completely detach from her if there's any obsession left. You will feel happier in the long run.
And after that only contact her if you're genuinely interested in how she's doing and not as a tool for your own ego.
Is it a good idea to confess someone with whom you are in love or attached and who already have a bf/gf?
Should i contact my ex after 3 monts of breakup? she broke up with me. No contact started after 1 week.
After 2 monts she blocked me on instagram - i dont know why, only on instagram. We dont follow each other after breakup so I didn't look at her profile. Why she blocked me after 2 monts? Does she feel any emotions towards me?
No contact is better option for me right now?
Sounds like it's still going through your head a lot. You should not contact her until you basically stop caring about her completely. You can focus on yourself for a while. And then, maybe contact them. But that will be more than a year from now most likely.
you dont want that person you dont need that person you miss the person in your head. You miss the imaginary person you created.
No Contact is no contact forever
It’s the cat ears on your head that has me…
He said he never wanted to see me again soooo 🤷♂️
3 month rule
Hey, what if they keep your calendars shared and blocked you on social media.
Yes I did let go and moved on and he came back with the same shit game again. Just made me be even more uninterested.
Were you together as a couple at any time?
@@RedRumble14 no it was a long distance thing but he was giving me hope for months then disappeared when things were suppose to actually happen, then got into no contact while still watching every piece of my life, then again starting to like my random photos when he found out I came back for holiday. But I realised I will never accept this low effort anymore. I deleted him on social media. And yes still loving him but self-respect is more important.
That’s a horrible thing to do to someone you love. It’s not heathy to do this relationship after relationship because you leave things unfinished.its a jerk move. It’s controlling and ridiculous!
What's controlling and ridiculous? Deciding to focus on yourself after a breakup? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.
This video is aimed at people who have been LEFT (or would probably see it that way, at least) and are wasting away, pining after somebody who is no longer showing interest in them. Maybe they're obsessively checking their texts, constantly thinking about the person, they might be incredibly anxious worrying about what's going to happen next.
I agree that leaving things unfinished relationship after relationship is a bad move. I'm encouraging people to accept that it's finished, and realize there's still a lot of hope and possibility out there. That's all.
Let me be brutally honest guys, no contact doesn't always work. 80% of the time it doesn't work, because that's how human beings are, ego, pride, shame, embarassment always dominate our psychology. These people will say anything just to sell their courses and get more views. 20 % of times you may reconcile. But if they have broken up with you, 80 % of the time they don't come back whether you apply the no contact rule or not. Because coming back a person thinks too many times whether their decision was right or wrong. It's no very pleasant to accept that one made a wrong decision. So for the sake of making peace with themselves they don't come back and make peace with you. Every decision for something is a decision against something. I have applied no contact rule, took course from various so called coaches, nope, doesn't work. And I have been subjected to no contact by the other person too. I never returned, because if the other person decides to use a manipulative tool like no contact on me, he isn't worth it.
Did you even watch the video...? Because I feel like I agree with pretty much everything you're saying here, and a lot of this is in the video as well. Except for me being one of "these people who will say anything to sell their courses". What is it that I'm saying/selling exactly?
How long did you do no contact for? And to who?
I get what you’re saying. At the end of the day, there are forces at work that are greater than you or me. Your ex probably had something very very very bad going on. Rejection is protection.
I disegree. No contact rule shouldn't be used as a tool to get someone bak. It's to heal yourself alone. Maybe sometimes it gets someone back, but there must be better means to get such a goal. These kind of advice can be misleading, in my opinion.
NC is the most depressive way to get over .
@@marguskiis7711 That can be right. But using it to get someone back is the worst strategy. Have you tried successfully?
❤❤❤❤
Walk away and have self respect, detach and let go. Only then you may be able to attract her or a better person and live a better life, but paradoxically you should not let go and detach for the sake of bringing them back or attracting anyone, but for you to be satisfied and happy with your life.
Don't get her back just take the L and move on.
Works well with men, but almost never with women.
Too wordy
Everything he’s saying is true LMAO
I don’t want my ex back. He’s a piece of crap. But it’s still hard to process the breakup, especially since I know he’s lying about his reasons for leaving me, and I want him to know that I know, because he thinks I’m a fool.
He was verbally and emotionally abusive but also SO kind and sweet, anticipating my needs and catering to me.
This is the most painful breakup I’ve ever had, and I’m not a young woman. And it was only 2 years.
I’ve decided not to contact him. He has called and said he wants to talk, but he’s a manipulator and I don’t want to hear it. I know he doesn’t want me back and is just using me.
I refuse to have any contact with him. He has destroyed my dignity and scraped me off the bottom of his shoe. He preyed on me because I’m kind, honest and have low self-esteem. He smelled the blood in the water.
❤