honestly the amount of walking on eggshells and handholding and careful planning when approaching these avoidants is ridiculous. i just realized I don't want it anymore. way too much work for little to no return
It really isn't worth it. A lot of these avoidants will just end up alone. I'm an avoidant myself but actively working on it and can spot when I'm behaving a certain way. Nobody is worth this much trouble
@@dinahwestallen this means a lot to me coming from someone who identifies as an avoidant. It's very validating that I made the right choice. Thank you and wish you good luck in your own self-work. The parents of my ex are both avoidants so they made it work, but they are practically roommates, I would hate that.
Bottom line....they are way too much work, the "mental agony and torment is not worth it.....Go to therapy or seek counseling to get over them..Life is too short. Treat yourself to a secure , mentally healthy connection ❤
@wendydaniel1110 THE problem is FINDING the secure ones especially in midlife! Slim picking in midlife as it is and then finding one that is secure on TOP of thar?! A miracle.
💯 I had never heard of this people and I was left in a mess after only 3 months I'm an intelligent accomplished woman and I was in a heap This is recent too I got to a therapist fast because I recognised this as something truly dangerous. There is nothing in this world that would make me date this type of man again. They're psychopaths and I don't use that term lightly Nothing good will come of it. Stay the fuck away and love yourself more than this connection ❤️❤️❤️
¨It is naive to think people will be in your life forever¨. Thank you for reminding me of this so that I can be more mindful of making the best of the time I have with someone while we´re sharing our lives together.
It may be naive but I am always in it to try to make it work for the long term. Friends and especially romantically. And most are not. I am now more careful who I spent my time, spirit and energy on, I am becoming my own best companion, and like minded people are coming my way naturally ❤
he can continue to live a life of being avoidant and i don't give a d@mn anymore. I chose to heal and do the necessary work to make sure that i continue to live a very blessed, productive, meaningful and abundant life! we only get to live once, as we often say, and i CHOSE to live my best life yet and have meaningful, solid, wonderful relationships. I am blessed that I have a wonderful family and lonnnnnnnnng time friends. ;) I pity these kind of people who choose to stay "stuck", not heal and get uncomfortable even with rejection...
Getting back with the dismissive avoidant is totally a bad idea, unless you explain your dealbreakers and agree that taking space or other DA BS behaviour is going to be communicated and defined in time (like I need some me time this weekend etc). If the DA can't agree to these, which is likely, since they are so independent and might feel trapped by these boundaries, the relationship can't be healthy. After many years I realized how anxious I became due to DA behaviour, like lovebombing followed by breadcrumbing or ghosting, and most of all, their lack of accountability regarding their actions hurts even more when trying to get back. It is very painful long term, because as you learn and try to improve, you start seeing all the unhealthy cycles, and want to break them, to help your significant other as well, DA's most of the time behave like "I'm fine, you have a problem not me, maybe you need some space too" lol. They should be marooned on an empty island.
Did this DA know they need healing ? Like know this exist ? I been searching for my own self healing but probably all of them don't even think they have traumas begging to be healed. Idk just my opinion 😅
The issue with the dismissive avoidant in relationships is that you always have to parent and coddle them like children. No... grow tf up or stay single. We used to call this childish behavior now we've named it "dismissive avoidant."
@laurag7530 🫶 I know one and I'm very drawn to him but I don't know how to mention any of this. I didn't know till recently and would hate to make him think I'm saying something negative about him.
My case with my avoidant is different. I always see growth each time we meet again. And, it is not that we want to meet again each time. Life brings us together after every separation. And in each coming together again , there is no pain nor grudge whatsoever which i find amazing. Just at the beginning of this year, when i saw him again, his eyes and gaze was soo full of love. After that, wr couldnt hold back from the magnetic pull. We spent time together like nothing went wrong, were talking so much about personal and spiritual growth, which pretty much is like a continuation of our previous thing. Days and weeks went like heaven until. We though we wont get triggered again but we did.. again , he pulled away, i got triggered myself. Then it got escalated when he got jealous about my friend and started indirectly attacking the friend until he has now disappeared.. i know he is gonna surface when he is okay again. This time i dont feel attached anymore. He comes to my life to teach me things and so am i. He has become a part of myself and my life like my own flesh and blood because he is the only person i can connect too deep with. And imma love him unconditionally, without need. My life is okay without him. People around me do care and love me and so i dont solely depend on what he does.
Wow, this is exactly my case. You are an amazing person, and I know for a fact he always thinks of you. If you believe in signs. You will see him in your dreams and can sense when he's calling you. Not many people understand this, but it's a gift and a curse anyone can experience. I feel like I will end up with him in a different life time but for now we just push and pull each other and everytime we see each other we see each other grow more and more into adults and it's just beautiful. I've dated him at age 18 up until I was 29. We still come back to each other. Each time, it feels like we are time traveling through life and just visiting each other along the way. The connection is deep but yet so far, and I hope one day he recognizes this avoidant style and reaches out to stay. But in the meantime, I am going on with my life and doing what's best for myself. ❤
I much feel with your words. I have a dear friend since like soon 6 years, who always seemed more like my nemesis. We are so different, had years of more fights and NC, than talk and harmony. But we came back together against all odds. Both try to work things out. There is frustration once a while, but I see him try hard. He respects my needs as much as he can (from reading messages daily, which he didn't first, showing up realiably when we agreed to it, even if in deactivation,and if he has to get drunk for it (which led to a big clash then anyway but he then was so super present to make up for me feeling upset, that I really just adored him. Now we are in NC, but I saw him struggle to leave this time. But the situation was just too toxic, both too triggered, so it was the right choice for both to calm down, keep distance. And i really can't be mad if he leaves with not just a "good luck" as in the past, with me then months trying to get him again to unblock me, but with a sweet message, giving me an exact date for when I will be unblocked. And this is something I had asked him, to not suffer too much with anxiety flares for not knowing if he will be back at all. And I am annoyed by the silent, but i know he will keep this promise on that day. He won't just stay away. And that's why I am OK to put up with his trigger moments (I am not perfect either). Because through all the mess we went through, he, even if only partially conscious of his attachment being a self sabotage risk (he refuses to look into it), I notice he takes my message to heart. Thinks them through. Tries to reassure me, when things go wrong by accident. And I am so proud that we managed nearly an entire year now with barely blocking each other (and if we did it was just a day).. And only now it was like a strong need to detach a few weeks. Let's see how it will be after he comes back again. Hopefully we manage to find a good way to continue. So yes, I can't describe why we keep doing that push and pull, on off.. But there is just a strange, deep, unconditional bond. And this bond endured so many conflicts, that everyone around us had given up on the idea we could ever trust in each other and stick together. But here we are. Returning to each other always. 😅 I once asked him why he put up with all that... He mentioned my perseverance at impressing him. I guess it is reassuring to him to know, that whatever happens, however harsh our words during fights, there is no grudge. Just acceptance of things and comprehension, and taking joy in the small things that work out well or we manage to overcome.
@@MariaGarcia-cy2jv I have something along the lines as well. I tis weird. I have hold grudges but then I understood my flaws. He always reached out. I always disappeared. Cero contact for months for me. But when we return, there is growth. I do not know If we should go back together. I feel it can be mostly painful for me. But we have had so many signs, as if life would be putting us together again. Not sure why, but it so happens. I am just observing. I think I have gotten to know this person at his worst, I do not expect anything and I do not get that triggered anymore. And on my side. I have learned to live life on my own. I have healed or went to a more secure attachment style. I have dated (still am) other guys, and have learned to appreciate other types of love. But it seems as if this one person, would have something he still needs to learn from me. So I let him orbitate for now, with compassion. I feel happy to have healed this. I am also happy to be able to decide to leave when I sense it is not safe.
Charlie, I love your content, it's so illuminating- thank you! Dealing with an avoidant feels like dealing with a high school girlfriend. Me, an ADULT, doesn't have the time or the patience anymore to entertain this type of emotional immaturity. Also, "sharing whats on your mind and being direct" isn't being anxious haha, on the contrary, it's SECURE and mature. Anyways, thank you for putting yourself out there, I really respect that my man! Take care:)
My advice is to feel the pain, be kind to yourself, and let them GO! From my past experiences, it always starts out wonderful but they ALWAYS go back to the same behavior
It’s wild that most of the comments are basically “yea, getting back together is a bad idea”. I agree with them but good luck if you want to get back with your ex. Be strong.
I want nothing more in the world than for my DA ex to come back to me, with a NORMAL relationship. I know we would have a fantastic life together, and I would give her the world. Sadly she knows all this, but is her own worst enemy when it comes regards to getting close to someone. She's going to be a lonely old woman.
@@AlisonChoquetteI agree and have the same confusion. A lot of the time it doesn’t work out and a lot of the time it does. I’ve had it happen both ways. Second time has definitely been the charm for me before so it’s definitely not unreasonable to hope for. I think a lot of people use the comments section to vent their pain.
My FA reached out 3 times after 6 months of NC. He is breadcrumbing me. I’m not thinking about getting back. When he texts I respond but I don’t give any more than what he gives. And I haven’t looked for him since he reached out just letting him contact me. It’s like I care but I’m not going to let him play me again. Next time he reaches out I plan on ignoring him and if he texts again just going to ask “what do you want” ✌🏼
Is there ever a good time to bring up what went wrong ? I just feel avoidant people like to sweep things under the carpet a lot . Nothing ever changes or gets better ...
I've two views on this. 1) The best time for you is when it feels right for you. As long as you're communicating for your needs and boundaries then that is always the best time. 2) If they're reconnecting with you, and you're both starting to talk about getting back together, then it's the right time to talk about what went wrong in the last relationship. There is no perfect time and we can only control how we react, not how others perceive what we share with them in the process
Smh I will never date an avoidant again. They don‘t deserve the unconditional love every anxious attacher of us want to give and return. They simply just don‘t deserve us. Better wait for a fitting anxious attacher come into my life.
I'm currently in the no contact phase of a break up with what looks like an avoidant and can't see why I would ever want to go back with him. It was exhausting and draining. It seems to have had a typical ending being suddenly discarded, which for me is very painful as it hard to see you were/are of no value.
This is me too but I get him and when I reached out to him To fix it maybe he said he had a gf and happy and blocked me . Just like that . A lot of pain
Had the exact experience. It’s so painful how after 11 months he just broke it off because I was trying to talk to him about where our relationship was going and how I felt about him. This was a little over a month ago. I’m hurting but learning to let him go.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Oh boy... It seems like both me AND my ex are avoidants. We have a fantastic situation of endlessly just circling one another. This video does help me, both in understanding why it ended, my own actions and her emotional state. I never really blamed her for breaking it off, but her trying to reconnect out of the blue really irked me. You said you didn't really have any feelings towards me, what the hell are you doing? But she's still the best person I've met in my life. She's incredibly sweet and caring to everyone around, probably to overcompensate for her own emotional needs not being met. My best hope is having my own tricks fall on my head will help me grow as a person, so I can learn to voice out my feelings and needs and create the conversational framework where a fellow avoidant can feel heard and understood.
He went on vacation and bought me a really thoughtful gift. He was trying so hard to make it so casual but I could tell he was nervous. I thanked him but he walked away saying “take care”. It was so confusing…
They fear being vulnerable. If they think you’re going to reject them, they won’t try out fear of being rejected. All up to you on how much you wanna nudge him. Ask to meet up for coffee, something casual. Or move on.
My ex broke up with me 2 days ago in anger and overwhelmed. She reached out just now and said “I don’t want to lose you, I want to fix this” I told her I needed some time to think so she said “I’ll talk to you in 2 weeks if you want”. I think it’s interesting how she took what I said as rejection and is now playing hard to get.
@@joyjamie I’m glad she takes that as rejection, because if she really was afraid of losing me she wouldn’t have yelled at me, tore me down, and broken up with me and tried to reconcile a day later. I don’t feel bad for her. She made her bed.
From your accounts, you said you "need time to think", she's respecting you wishes guessing how much time, and what you're saying is you're mad at that response?
i still don't get what they are so fking afraid of. like, if you are initiating contact with me, then obviously you want something to do with me specifically. there's a million other people to talk to if you're just bored. so why do they decide i'm suddenly worthless again and run away at the first sign that i still care for them as if someone caring for them is the most terrifying prospect there is?
😂😂😂😂😂 this comment cracked me up, I'm an avoidant, I think reassurance does the trick. And gradually we might get to open up with alot of patience from you, if you get impatient we might think you were not real the whole time
We never feel you are worthless, we , emotions gets intense and fear and insecurities rise again now you need to calm them down and at this point make them trust, put in the effort if you really want them
@elviranahigejeje9666 yes I am but that doesn't mean we can't love or show love or be in a long term,stable, loving relationship we just want that assurance we won't get hurt at the end of the day and watch us pour all our love in its entirety on you
@@eneoko1268please describe a “long term stable relationship “ from an avoidant perspective?🤔 with the hot and cold behaviors, push & pull dynamics how is that a stable relationship??! We all get hurt as human beings because no one is perfect including you. Flaws are in all of us! So to say that you need reassurance from someone that they won’t hurt you would be a lie. But that should not stop you from experiencing deep and meaningful connections and work through disagreements with an open mind, respect and understanding. The question is are you willing to put in the effort to work on what keeps you stuck from experiencing real love?
Absolutely. And those kind of videos and comments from TH-cam are very helpful. They only come back to make sure that you are still an available option.
@@karmatsheringtashibhutia3245 I can't believe just how toxic my ex was. There was so much trauma, drama, conflict - she created 85-90% of it ( along with her toxic teen kids). It's kind of remarkable I didn't run away 6 months earlier. A life-long train wreck.
How could you ever trust that they won't just disappear again. My avoidant has lovely qualities but even if asked he'd deny there was any concerns. I think he had checked out before leaving, rather pushing me to tell him to go, and set himself up with a 'friend' who he now lives with and where his needs (for now) are being met.
Thanks Charlie! I have listened to many of your videos about avoidant ex and it seems like there is a high chance that they always come back. I’m stuck with this idea for about 2 months now, feeling like I'm waiting for her and subconsciouly hesitant to move on. I'm unsure how to proceed, as I don't want her to come back while I'm in the process of building something new. I believe our relationship had great potential, specially because she struggled alot to end it, i remember the day she called me to tell me that she wants the breakup, she was heartbroken, and I could hear the pain in her voice, see it in her actions, and witness it in her eyes. And just two days prior, she was full with love, she even shed tears of affection, We were genuinely in love with each other and shared many wonderful moments. Everything fell into place when I discovered her avoidant attachment style. However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m still unsure about what to do next. It’s easy to say, “just live your life and move on,” but when you’ve only had great moments with that person and know she might return, it becomes incredibly difficult to embark on a new adventure and forget about her
I felt the same way 2, 3, 4 months in, but then I decided it was time to move on. It's been 11 months now and he still hasn't reached back out so I'm glad I didn't wait around for him. I have a great boyfriend now that is very caring, communicative, and attentive. If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that! The description of your relationship was exactly like mine. We had connection and chemistry like I've never experienced before, I know he felt the same and that scared him. We were friends for 4 years prior to dating. I truly believe he will come back some day, but it wouldn't have been fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. You can't control other people, so first and foremost do what's best for you. Holding on to pain and hoping for something that may never happen is not what's best for your mental health!
This "If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that!" hits really hard, Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I will definitely adopt this perspective, and as u said, it wouldn't be fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. Once again, thank you so much.@@creatureofstyle
No I am not available to reconnect. He did this, I never respond. Sick tired of his on and off, hot and cold, incapable to communicate in healthy way, playing all of those psychological games on me.
Thank you! Your channel is a great find! I love the way you spell it out, but are empathetic. Thank you for being realistic & sharing your story as well
I have a dismissive avoidant ex "friend" who's been skulking around my job and I'm only researching any of this for the sake of finding the nicest, most wholesome way of telling her to fuck off, go to hell, perish, so on an so forth. She rots everything she touches and I want no parts. All I want from her is silence and solitude. Her absence is the very best she has to offer me, but UNFORTUNATELY for some reason the internet is obsessed to get back with avoidant people??? (Like ew for what???) Other than actually caring about them, how do you repel dismissive avoidants????
heres a fun one. a ex who dumps you, asks to be friends and doesnt block your methods of communication. Overthinking on my end or someone who isnt even sure about the break up?
What if you don’t have any social media or at least not a public one and never followed each other? There’s no way for either of us to spy or dip a toe with passive contact in this way.
If the avoidance ex comes back, it's because they want to see if they still have access to you. You can only have a healthy relationship with them if they are intentional about wanting a relationship with you and are willing to work on whatever trauma that made them that way in the first place.
What if I just want my stuff back from their apartment ? Got dumped Sunday don’t wanna let my stuff get thrown out - plus I don’t want the rebound using it
I met an avoidant 6 months ago who also has sexual trauma in her past life now I’m seeing a therapist, psychiatrist and going to couples therapy but she doesn’t come to the couples meetings. Also said she needs time and space today after I asked why can’t we go out more instead of sitting at home all the time. I’m fighting to get my girlfriend to wanna go do more fun stuff. After 45 days of walking on egg shells I started calling out of her BS but in a heathy argumentative way. She would completely shutdown and tell me I’m being silly. After 6 months today she asked for space I told her if you’re done say you’re done and I got the notorious ‘ need time and space’. I was single for 8 years prior to this 6 month relationship started. She’s in for a rude awakening when needing space from a nomad. I packed up my 3 containers then me and my dog drove 2,300 miles away the next day :)
That was wonderful advise The big question how would we treat the next break up should it happen, and how to proceed if it does happen, excellent advise,
Has anyone ever blocked their avoident partner. Hes the one that broke up with me and he keeps just staring at my content. Wich is weird since he wants nothing to do with me.
Dismissive and fearful avoidant, attachment, personality, styles both have a fear of commitment that they showed through their actions. The fearful avoidant attachment, personality style also has the fear of abandonment that they show through their actions. The dismissive avoidant attachment, personality style does have that fear of abandonment, but they are not going to show it through their actions. It’s more like an underlying fear of abandonment, so they keep it under wraps. They basically keep it private from public knowledge, but it is there. They suppress that fear, especially if they preoccupied, anxious attachment, personality style, pressures them. They feel trapped and they don’t want to feel like someone else is in control of their emotions. This is the reason that they shut down basically. They are still curious though so you will see them looking at your content privately. Remember, everyone’s human and everyone has the same exact emotions. We may not experience them simultaneously, but we all experience them eventually.
FA reached out 13 days after the break up to say they were thinking about me a lot but I need to chill. I said we couldve easily worked out the issues, but they quickly replacex me and showed me the door, however, I was open to discuss and they need to think about what they want and what matters. If I don't hear back, fine. I'm already on my healing journey and feeling much better already. I'm resilient.
A time management style person may be much less avoidant with his independent hobbies, and make time for everything. But a time management person also can not be too obsessed with time, because time is partially an illusion when it comes to Quantum physics.... but use intuition to enjoy hobbies and partnerships as long as possible....especially removing bad habits., like watching too much tv etc.
Question is, how to transition from keeping things "light" to having the conversation re: whether or not to try again as a couple. My ex DA & I (FA) have been reconnecting over the past six months. My DA reached out for Xmas, New Year's AND Valentine's, and we've hung out a number of times, so I'm debating whether or not to finally broach the subject of whether or not they want to try again, and how to bring up the topic without triggering either of us or putting any pressure on the situation. So far, i've been really good about giving my DA space, etc...
I'm going through some anxiety because I figured me getting sober, working out, getting counselling, journaling, and giving her space would have her at least reach out to me after 3 months. After not saying anything on her birthday a few weeks ago, (I was told not too) she blocked me on almost everything and still never had said a word since the break up. What kills me is that I never did anything to warrant her to be this way and she went from super in love with me to being completely cold..
At the beginning of last year (2023/February 13th), the man whom I revered as my best friend, abandoned and betrayed me. In an instant, just like that, out of the blue... He discarded and replaced me. I guess it wasn't real friendship. I'd like to say it must have been love... But really, it must have been a trauma bond. It's been over a year, and I'm still healing... Bottom line is, being mean and abusive is being mean and abusive. (He ALWAYS had to approve the conversations we had. If he didn't, he would say: "that's too heavy for me to talk about". Or, "I'm too tired/busy to have that discussion".💗)
Seems healthy to say he doesn’t want to have those conversations. He was your friend, not your lover. He probably could sense that you loved him, and he didn’t feel the same way. However, there is the chance he did and was scared of commitment.
Listen to this song Superstar Sh*t by Dominic Fike. "Save me some, she said love I felt like you could've called it somethin' else" damn good lyrics and the whole album is actually spot on
Having reached out during no contact twice now I don’t think we will be getting back together. My hope is just to repair our relationship and become good friends with one another. Supportive of one our dreams and goals. Nothing more because as an anxious attachment I can’t live with regrets or the what if’s. I know it’s over. I’ve had a DA long time before this ex who came back right at the moment I was moving on. He sent a long message and ruined everything I was beginning with my new prospective partner. Hoping history doesn’t repeat itself
I’m afraid this is what just happened to me. Inadvertently I started no contact (hadn’t seen any of these videos) and met someone new, who seemed like a very good fit. Then bang! One day I was saying how I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my ex off my mind and 15 minutes later I get a text from her. Long story but without having the understanding I do now, I jumped and dumped the new girl. My ex then pulled away, saying she wanted to be friends and now I see the DA behavior. Had I known I would not have jumped and dumped.
Thank you, this is helpful as I have been on off with an avoidant 1.8yrs....I am trying to be patient and haven't had the talk as I don't know if I want to commit 2 him as he is a DA and I am AP more secure.
What should I do if my ex wife kind of goes hot and cold. When we were in no contact, I’m not sure they even like much she likes to check in on me(but nothing more super avoidant). But we came out of a small no contact period that was kind of planned everything was very casual but she was very happy and enthusiastic to hear from me started to send me memes and somewhat connect with me. One night after she called me I sent a bit of a deeper than surface level message. She messaged me in the middle of the night and said she’s hurting. Talked to me all night and said her guard is down and to talk with her about anything. She 100% still has feelings for me tried to connect all night on a deep and even somewhat flirtatious level. But the next day she said she got carried away with her emotions and took it too far. Now it’s back to being avoidant, however she acknowledges she wants to have deep conversations with me but to take it slow. Should I just kind of leave the ball in her court? If I don’t reach out she will just stay busy and suppress everything. Admittedly she says she can just force her self not to think about anything and stay busy. But when she lets herself feel it it’s always been positive towards me.
I got ghosted by my Fearful Avoidant ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over to her being drunk a night. After the 5 th breakup from her side even though we agreed that it will be the final breakup. I guess she wanted to see if she can still get me to come over or have control over me. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot. Its a balance game between caring too much and not enough they are going to blame you for it either way. You have to be an incredibly strong and emotionally stable person to have a healthy longterm realtionship with a FA - (im Anxious Attached type) - When dating this is one of my first questions regarding their attachment style
Okay, so I was dating an avoidant for a couple months. I was putting all of my energy into them and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO PLAN/ASK HER ON DATES! She never once asked me out. I remember she told me “I’m just following your lead darling” I should’ve known then…😅
So what questions and topics should be raised when ex will reach you and want to meet up again? Could you provide a list if ipossible, I didn't get it from the video.
Basically breadcrumbing. I didn't know what that was so of course I took the reaching out as wanting to get back together, that lead to being blocked after talking about good memories.
I left my avoidant and after missing him I tried reaching out to make up and to find out he found a new gf . Says he is EXTREMELY HAPPY and blocked me . Idk I was hurting really really bad and it’s been 4 weeks since he spoke to me or even tried .
we had an argument then we split up then i tried to talk a little she didnt seem to mind that but shes wasnt happy tho , i tried no contact , now shes ignoring me
Need help: my FA liked a post of mine (we’re not following each other) I’m in a conflict because I wanna stay true to my boundaries and stay in no contact until she reaches out in a meaningful way but what if she needs a reaction to feel safe to reach out further? Because we know that they fear rejection. But maybe she’s also just looking for validation and that’s it. And also I don’t want to take responsibility from her, since she broke up, the ball is in her hand. I just don’t know if it was an act to test the water to see if she’s safe to reach out or something else.
Anything other than someone choosing to elevate interaction with you should just be seen a limited effort. Unless they're trying to engage with you in some way beyond viewing your stories, it's best to ignore it as best you can
Mostly it depends on how quickly they process their fears vs their feelings. However most commonly they come back within 45 - 60 days of full no contact. Not since the break up itself but since the last moment of contact with them
Don’t get hung up on the numbers… That 45-60 day statement is generalized and pretty inaccurate. It all depends on each individual. Some FA’s won’t regulate until at least 90 days… DA’s can take a full 6 months… if not more. These “coaches” generalize information too frequently. Focus on yourself, healing, and don’t count the days… just focus on you day by day.
Correct! Some people with BPD have avoidant personality disorder or dismissive avoidant attachment/fearful avoidant attachment. Although not always, it’s common for a lot of people with BPD
@@healingwithcharlie it’s so unfortunate. I have worked in mental health and it’s sad how much people have bpd these days along with npd and other serious disorders. But I hope people don’t look at these people and run away cuz they are just as human as we are.
Hey… I went on your website to enquire about one to one sessions and coaching, but can’t find it? Do you still offer this? Your videos are really speaking to me, I’m anxious and my ex is avoidant… The breakup was messy and I repeatedly broke no contact, he’s now dating again and I’m a mess to be honest!!! I’ve now started no contact and I’m two weeks into that… driving myself crazy trying to work out what’s going on in his head. 😢
I am a Fearful Avoidant. I have my very avoidant tendencies… So trust me when I say… They don’t genuinely want to get back together. It’s called Hoovering. They are testing to see if they can still control you. Avoidants want love too… but for a brief amount of time. We are going to want to jump back into our other goals. You become a smaller priority again.
Ugh toxic just reading that. Those types of people deserve to be alone until they fix their crappy behavior. Controlling is manipulation, and idk what planet that’s considered loving behavior.
I got ghosted by my FA ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over after the 5 th breakup from her side and we agreed that it will be the last breakup. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot.
She kept watching my stories. She’d post things trying to get my attention, and I fell for it just once. Realized that she was just hovering, so she could get the validation then return to normal. So I ended up just soft blocking her. Mostly for me, but also because she doesn’t deserve to see what I’m up to.
I have been diligently studying this horrible affliction for a month now. Here's the lowdown: 1) They are controlling 2) NO affection from them! 3) They only enjoy SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATION, no heart-to-hearts with them, they are shallow, period! If you think you'll ever have a deep conversation & sharing feelings with them, FORGET IT! They simply aren't interested. Mine even told me, "I'm Shallow!" 4) They will give you NO compliments, ever! 5) Mine gave NO gifts. 6) NO "I love you", it's scares them to death to say it! Even if they told you at the beginning they are crazy about you, never felt like this with anyone, blah blah blah 7) They will NITPICK YOU TO DEATH, trying to tear down what little self-esteem you have left! 8) They are "party people" -- they enjoy PARTIES, CLUBS, ETC. Anything where there's going to be SHALLOW, MEANINGLESS CONVERSATION. My advice after studying it deeply -- RUN RUN RUN, AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE!
I truly appreciate your dissection of both avoidant and anxious attachments. However I must say it seems like when you analyzed both but you don’t seem to address the huge flaw of avoidants in relation to contorting reality and escaping accountability and conflict avoidance and shiftting blame. This seems like the very fuel the anxious needs for the avoidant to weaponize
Also avoidants can mentally checkout escape, retreat, all while still place holding, benefiting, extracting and form of emotion weather good or bad from the anxious. You can then count on the anxious to perform to win the alleged Unsafe partner of the year award. You know what’s a curious question what percent of avoidants are women and what percent are anxious, generally speaking which of the two is ‘more likely to ….
He doesn't have social media. He contacted me but I wasn't sure if he just wanted to hook up so I snapped on it :( He went cold for a year but still wanted to make out one night instead of talking and so I was DONE. 4 months later he showed up :/ We had a sincere love but because of cultural difference he had to let me go bc I wanted marriage :(
Diplomacy; Me as myself also cannot thinking as of these time from my 4years relief from being subjected as a Avoidant PD as of many days and ways wasting my innocence as of today from 4years ago I kept the pace being "Passive" on its realistic timetable although my passive metaphysics have some signs rewarding whilst the terms of Adversity host were still at the potential hostile dispersity
My ex I believe is FA and she reached out to me after almost 2 months of NC to ask if I wanted a dog her friend was giving away. Was so confused because she’s got into a new relationship less than 3 months after we broke up. And we were in contact for most of the time after we broke up. Idk if she genuinely was trying to find the dog a home or just wanted to reach out to me.
Can 2 ppl with avoidance traits be together? Im avoidant and i can see similar things on my ex,which makes it super difficult to get back together, while its so clear we both dying for that
They can! My next video will explain the different attachment styles in relationship with avoidants and I’ll be covering avoidant-avoidant relationships so stay tuned :)
It's not worth it. I've realized if I gotta put in that much work they're not worth it & it's they're loss. Sorry! Coddling a child is one thing...not doin it for adults! That's why It's important for folks to fix THEMSELVES or lose opportunities in life. That's on THEM!
We split on Nov 4 it’s recent My ex avoidant replied to my text (I broke no contact) and he said “I was always concerned about your health and I hope you will have a happy life with a positive mindset” I replied my health is fine that I’m at the gym and that I think of him and cherish our moments. That thanks for his good wishes. This means he doesn’t want to come back? I replied with a pic of myself at the gym because he mentioned my health (I was sad when we were together because was a long distance relationship) I don’t understand what he means., Did I lose him completely?
He's read texts and wries replies why he answers question with a question of possibility? HE was one who walked away I've tried to message him he reads responses sometimes but always answers with a question of questioning his own answers ?
Is re-adding an ex usually a sign or does it just coincide with watching stories? Because watching stories, to me, just means they’re curious or care about you.
I had completely given up on the avoidant person, for obvious reasons. Life was nice, boring but nice. But then years later since the last contact, they call me and don't leave a message and then call again a few weeks later to only let it ring once. Is this considered indirect contact? So many years have past that I don't know what to make of it. lol Any thoughts?
I spoke to meet up with my ex two days ago. We broke up 3 months ago. He wanted me to get the closure I need so he can get space, since he knew it was alot eating me up that I wanted to talk about. He told me that he’s still healing from the relationship, n that he dont want a relationship with me, because I broke his trust. The day of our breakup up we got into a argument and im usually not the type to get mad easily over stuff but my emotions were just out in I didn’t have a outlet so I texted him some hurtful things for him to understand my hurt. I regret it n didn’t really mean the things I said but he still holds onto it. We ended up sleeping together that night. N he wanted to record a video of us for himself which was weird if u don’t want any reminder of me. He told me that he was going to block and delete my number when he left that night cause I kept asking him why not just do it if u don’t want to hear from me. I sent a little text the next day in it went through then I unsent it. He hasn’t blocked my number which was strange. I’m confuse on this situation
Never let a man record you being intimate with him. That man is gonna come back when he wants to make another video. Stop doing this. He could be selling the videos. He knows you’re desperate and will play off it.
@@Relle. Hey, Thank you for the info. he deleted the video. We’re kinda back on good terms he said he still figuring out his emotions and it’s been 4 months. So I’ll see how that goes
What if this person is so in love and has cried for 2 months about ending it w you? No contact or it spirals them and start crying again? Why walk away when there is so much love coach other? Why?
Usually it stems from a fear of some kind. The fear is messing up, not being good enough and the fear consequently being discarded because of those can cause them to walk away first. It’s often easier to walk away on your own terms than to be heartbroken later only to be proven right when they do abandon you. Of course there is no way to guarantee this will happen, but fear and anxiety can be strong motivators for avoidants to take action sooner out of precaution and avoidance of experiencing pain in the future. In a way it’s done out of self protection but it limits their opportunities in the process
Charlie, what would you recommend in this situation: its only been a couple of weeks since we began our no contact. Her birthday is next week and i have a gift i wanted to mail to her. Would you suggest NOT sending the gift? I'm uncertain on how to handle this situation.
Depends on how things ended and the reasons for no contact. If the other person said they don't want any contact, or anything to do with you then I'd refrain out of respect for their boundaries. If things ended somewhat amicably, and you just need space to think then you can still send the gift, perhaps with a note that reiterates it's not an attempt to get them back, but that you wanted them to have the gift given the timing of the situation. Otherwise, you could always return the gift and put that money toward something for yourself if giving it doesn't feel right
honestly the amount of walking on eggshells and handholding and careful planning when approaching these avoidants is ridiculous. i just realized I don't want it anymore. way too much work for little to no return
Exactly and that is growth 🎉
It really isn't worth it. A lot of these avoidants will just end up alone. I'm an avoidant myself but actively working on it and can spot when I'm behaving a certain way. Nobody is worth this much trouble
@@dinahwestallen this means a lot to me coming from someone who identifies as an avoidant. It's very validating that I made the right choice. Thank you and wish you good luck in your own self-work. The parents of my ex are both avoidants so they made it work, but they are practically roommates, I would hate that.
The author is right when he says this doesn’t mean the person wants to connect emotionally.
@@spiritwanderer777Thanks for speaking up. I know DAs get dumped on a lot.
Bottom line....they are way too much work, the "mental agony and torment is not worth it.....Go to therapy or seek counseling to get over them..Life is too short. Treat yourself to a secure , mentally healthy connection ❤
@wendydaniel1110 THE problem is FINDING the secure ones especially in midlife! Slim picking in midlife as it is and then finding one that is secure on TOP of thar?! A miracle.
💯
I had never heard of this people and I was left in a mess after only 3 months
I'm an intelligent accomplished woman and I was in a heap
This is recent too
I got to a therapist fast because I recognised this as something truly dangerous.
There is nothing in this world that would make me date this type of man again.
They're psychopaths and I don't use that term lightly
Nothing good will come of it.
Stay the fuck away and love yourself more than this connection
❤️❤️❤️
¨It is naive to think people will be in your life forever¨. Thank you for reminding me of this so that I can be more mindful of making the best of the time I have with someone while we´re sharing our lives together.
That’s not the same as saying don’t have that goal for forever going into the relationship. But things can change and we should be open to it
Shes not yours and wont be there for you at any point in your life. Just enjoy her poon before you kick her back home to her cats.
It may be naive but I am always in it to try to make it work for the long term. Friends and especially romantically. And most are not. I am now more careful who I spent my time, spirit and energy on, I am becoming my own best companion, and like minded people are coming my way naturally ❤
he can continue to live a life of being avoidant and i don't give a d@mn anymore. I chose to heal and do the necessary work to make sure that i continue to live a very blessed, productive, meaningful and abundant life! we only get to live once, as we often say, and i CHOSE to live my best life yet and have meaningful, solid, wonderful relationships. I am blessed that I have a wonderful family and lonnnnnnnnng time friends. ;) I pity these kind of people who choose to stay "stuck", not heal and get uncomfortable even with rejection...
Why can't I meet someone like you. hahaha!!! I swear all I attach is avoidants. I have so much to give for the right person
This is very hard work, I can’t take it 😂, exhausted
Yeah... 24 years off and on is lonnnnnng enough. I no longer respond in any way and "just being friends" is very lame.
Getting back with the dismissive avoidant is totally a bad idea, unless you explain your dealbreakers and agree that taking space or other DA BS behaviour is going to be communicated and defined in time (like I need some me time this weekend etc). If the DA can't agree to these, which is likely, since they are so independent and might feel trapped by these boundaries, the relationship can't be healthy. After many years I realized how anxious I became due to DA behaviour, like lovebombing followed by breadcrumbing or ghosting, and most of all, their lack of accountability regarding their actions hurts even more when trying to get back. It is very painful long term, because as you learn and try to improve, you start seeing all the unhealthy cycles, and want to break them, to help your significant other as well, DA's most of the time behave like "I'm fine, you have a problem not me, maybe you need some space too" lol. They should be marooned on an empty island.
Agree, they seem to need to always tell themselves “I’m fine. I don’t have any problems. Everything with my life is great”
Did this DA know they need healing ? Like know this exist ? I been searching for my own self healing but probably all of them don't even think they have traumas begging to be healed. Idk just my opinion 😅
The issue with the dismissive avoidant in relationships is that you always have to parent and coddle them like children. No... grow tf up or stay single. We used to call this childish behavior now we've named it "dismissive avoidant."
@@jessicamenchaca4970yeah we know. We feel incapable but we know.
@laurag7530 🫶 I know one and I'm very drawn to him but I don't know how to mention any of this. I didn't know till recently and would hate to make him think I'm saying something negative about him.
My case with my avoidant is different. I always see growth each time we meet again. And, it is not that we want to meet again each time. Life brings us together after every separation. And in each coming together again , there is no pain nor grudge whatsoever which i find amazing. Just at the beginning of this year, when i saw him again, his eyes and gaze was soo full of love. After that, wr couldnt hold back from the magnetic pull. We spent time together like nothing went wrong, were talking so much about personal and spiritual growth, which pretty much is like a continuation of our previous thing. Days and weeks went like heaven until. We though we wont get triggered again but we did.. again , he pulled away, i got triggered myself. Then it got escalated when he got jealous about my friend and started indirectly attacking the friend until he has now disappeared.. i know he is gonna surface when he is okay again. This time i dont feel attached anymore. He comes to my life to teach me things and so am i. He has become a part of myself and my life like my own flesh and blood because he is the only person i can connect too deep with. And imma love him unconditionally, without need. My life is okay without him. People around me do care and love me and so i dont solely depend on what he does.
Wow, this is exactly my case. You are an amazing person, and I know for a fact he always thinks of you. If you believe in signs. You will see him in your dreams and can sense when he's calling you. Not many people understand this, but it's a gift and a curse anyone can experience. I feel like I will end up with him in a different life time but for now we just push and pull each other and everytime we see each other we see each other grow more and more into adults and it's just beautiful. I've dated him at age 18 up until I was 29. We still come back to each other. Each time, it feels like we are time traveling through life and just visiting each other along the way. The connection is deep but yet so far, and I hope one day he recognizes this avoidant style and reaches out to stay. But in the meantime, I am going on with my life and doing what's best for myself. ❤
He might be struggling with king of desorder take him back if u want don’t expect nothing!!! I’ve been in this kind of situation before.
I much feel with your words. I have a dear friend since like soon 6 years, who always seemed more like my nemesis. We are so different, had years of more fights and NC, than talk and harmony. But we came back together against all odds. Both try to work things out. There is frustration once a while, but I see him try hard. He respects my needs as much as he can (from reading messages daily, which he didn't first, showing up realiably when we agreed to it, even if in deactivation,and if he has to get drunk for it (which led to a big clash then anyway but he then was so super present to make up for me feeling upset, that I really just adored him. Now we are in NC, but I saw him struggle to leave this time. But the situation was just too toxic, both too triggered, so it was the right choice for both to calm down, keep distance. And i really can't be mad if he leaves with not just a "good luck" as in the past, with me then months trying to get him again to unblock me, but with a sweet message, giving me an exact date for when I will be unblocked. And this is something I had asked him, to not suffer too much with anxiety flares for not knowing if he will be back at all. And I am annoyed by the silent, but i know he will keep this promise on that day. He won't just stay away. And that's why I am OK to put up with his trigger moments (I am not perfect either). Because through all the mess we went through, he, even if only partially conscious of his attachment being a self sabotage risk (he refuses to look into it), I notice he takes my message to heart. Thinks them through. Tries to reassure me, when things go wrong by accident. And I am so proud that we managed nearly an entire year now with barely blocking each other (and if we did it was just a day).. And only now it was like a strong need to detach a few weeks. Let's see how it will be after he comes back again. Hopefully we manage to find a good way to continue.
So yes, I can't describe why we keep doing that push and pull, on off.. But there is just a strange, deep, unconditional bond. And this bond endured so many conflicts, that everyone around us had given up on the idea we could ever trust in each other and stick together. But here we are. Returning to each other always. 😅
I once asked him why he put up with all that... He mentioned my perseverance at impressing him. I guess it is reassuring to him to know, that whatever happens, however harsh our words during fights, there is no grudge. Just acceptance of things and comprehension, and taking joy in the small things that work out well or we manage to overcome.
@@MariaGarcia-cy2jv I have something along the lines as well. I tis weird. I have hold grudges but then I understood my flaws. He always reached out. I always disappeared. Cero contact for months for me. But when we return, there is growth. I do not know If we should go back together. I feel it can be mostly painful for me. But we have had so many signs, as if life would be putting us together again. Not sure why, but it so happens. I am just observing. I think I have gotten to know this person at his worst, I do not expect anything and I do not get that triggered anymore. And on my side. I have learned to live life on my own. I have healed or went to a more secure attachment style. I have dated (still am) other guys, and have learned to appreciate other types of love. But it seems as if this one person, would have something he still needs to learn from me. So I let him orbitate for now, with compassion. I feel happy to have healed this. I am also happy to be able to decide to leave when I sense it is not safe.
Charlie, I love your content, it's so illuminating- thank you! Dealing with an avoidant feels like dealing with a high school girlfriend. Me, an ADULT, doesn't have the time or the patience anymore to entertain this type of emotional immaturity. Also, "sharing whats on your mind and being direct" isn't being anxious haha, on the contrary, it's SECURE and mature. Anyways, thank you for putting yourself out there, I really respect that my man! Take care:)
Well said. Ive been in a similar situation. ABSOLUTELY exhausting
My advice is to feel the pain, be kind to yourself, and let them GO! From my past experiences, it always starts out wonderful but they ALWAYS go back to the same behavior
It’s wild that most of the comments are basically “yea, getting back together is a bad idea”. I agree with them but good luck if you want to get back with your ex. Be strong.
I think most people who are watching are hopeful and trying to understand, so I find those comments confusing
I want nothing more in the world than for my DA ex to come back to me, with a NORMAL relationship. I know we would have a fantastic life together, and I would give her the world. Sadly she knows all this, but is her own worst enemy when it comes regards to getting close to someone. She's going to be a lonely old woman.
Yea the comments on any of these posts are overwhelmingly discouraging and feel more like victim support groups lol
@@AlisonChoquetteI agree and have the same confusion. A lot of the time it doesn’t work out and a lot of the time it does. I’ve had it happen both ways. Second time has definitely been the charm for me before so it’s definitely not unreasonable to hope for. I think a lot of people use the comments section to vent their pain.
My FA reached out 3 times after 6 months of NC. He is breadcrumbing me. I’m not thinking about getting back. When he texts I respond but I don’t give any more than what he gives. And I haven’t looked for him since he reached out just letting him contact me. It’s like I care but I’m not going to let him play me again. Next time he reaches out I plan on ignoring him and if he texts again just going to ask “what do you want” ✌🏼
Good. You must keep all the control in your hands. These people literally just want control, they dgaf about love.
May you heal from the trauma you been through 🤎
Don’t respond.
Is there ever a good time to bring up what went wrong ? I just feel avoidant people like to sweep things under the carpet a lot . Nothing ever changes or gets better ...
I've two views on this. 1) The best time for you is when it feels right for you. As long as you're communicating for your needs and boundaries then that is always the best time. 2) If they're reconnecting with you, and you're both starting to talk about getting back together, then it's the right time to talk about what went wrong in the last relationship. There is no perfect time and we can only control how we react, not how others perceive what we share with them in the process
Smh I will never date an avoidant again. They don‘t deserve the unconditional love every anxious attacher of us want to give and return. They simply just don‘t deserve us. Better wait for a fitting anxious attacher come into my life.
Secure ones too
The reality is romantic love is not unconditional; otherwise
I'm currently in the no contact phase of a break up with what looks like an avoidant and can't see why I would ever want to go back with him. It was exhausting and draining. It seems to have had a typical ending being suddenly discarded, which for me is very painful as it hard to see you were/are of no value.
This is me too but I get him and when I reached out to him
To fix it maybe he said he had a gf and happy and blocked me . Just like that . A lot of pain
Had the exact experience. It’s so painful how after 11 months he just broke it off because I was trying to talk to him about where our relationship was going and how I felt about him. This was a little over a month ago. I’m hurting but learning to let him go.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Stfu you say this same crap in literally 100’s of videos. You a bot.
Oh boy... It seems like both me AND my ex are avoidants. We have a fantastic situation of endlessly just circling one another. This video does help me, both in understanding why it ended, my own actions and her emotional state. I never really blamed her for breaking it off, but her trying to reconnect out of the blue really irked me. You said you didn't really have any feelings towards me, what the hell are you doing?
But she's still the best person I've met in my life. She's incredibly sweet and caring to everyone around, probably to overcompensate for her own emotional needs not being met.
My best hope is having my own tricks fall on my head will help me grow as a person, so I can learn to voice out my feelings and needs and create the conversational framework where a fellow avoidant can feel heard and understood.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency, it's refreshing.
He went on vacation and bought me a really thoughtful gift. He was trying so hard to make it so casual but I could tell he was nervous. I thanked him but he walked away saying “take care”. It was so confusing…
They fear being vulnerable. If they think you’re going to reject them, they won’t try out fear of being rejected. All up to you on how much you wanna nudge him. Ask to meet up for coffee, something casual. Or move on.
My ex broke up with me 2 days ago in anger and overwhelmed. She reached out just now and said “I don’t want to lose you, I want to fix this” I told her I needed some time to think so she said “I’ll talk to you in 2 weeks if you want”. I think it’s interesting how she took what I said as rejection and is now playing hard to get.
I'd translate that as a rejection too tbh. If you want someone,you don't need time to "think" most women thinks like that😊
@@joyjamie I’m glad she takes that as rejection, because if she really was afraid of losing me she wouldn’t have yelled at me, tore me down, and broken up with me and tried to reconcile a day later. I don’t feel bad for her. She made her bed.
@@Ryuhayabusa.7did you guys ever end up speaking again?
From your accounts, you said you "need time to think", she's respecting you wishes guessing how much time, and what you're saying is you're mad at that response?
I dont think she thought it was a rejection... the opposite, she accepted your wish to have some space
To me, the most people I avoid, the less problems I’ll have.
You need therapy
Welp. Read some comments.. ur the problem
This sounds exhausting. I rather be single. If anyone wants to date me, they can get their stuff together first.
10:00 so basically everything has to be on their time???
That’s so my ex. I have to FIT INTO his life, but does NOTHING when things are important to me. This personality is bologna.
Everything has to be ON THEIR TERMS!!! Always!
So it’s basically like you can just except mixed messages for the rest of your life lol.
AMEN!!! Run, run, RUN, folks!!
i still don't get what they are so fking afraid of. like, if you are initiating contact with me, then obviously you want something to do with me specifically. there's a million other people to talk to if you're just bored. so why do they decide i'm suddenly worthless again and run away at the first sign that i still care for them as if someone caring for them is the most terrifying prospect there is?
😂😂😂😂😂 this comment cracked me up, I'm an avoidant, I think reassurance does the trick. And gradually we might get to open up with alot of patience from you, if you get impatient we might think you were not real the whole time
We never feel you are worthless, we , emotions gets intense and fear and insecurities rise again now you need to calm them down and at this point make them trust, put in the effort if you really want them
@@eneoko1268you make avoidants sound like a project. And guess what ? You are 💁🏽♀️.
@elviranahigejeje9666 yes I am but that doesn't mean we can't love or show love or be in a long term,stable, loving relationship we just want that assurance we won't get hurt at the end of the day and watch us pour all our love in its entirety on you
@@eneoko1268please describe a “long term stable relationship “ from an avoidant perspective?🤔 with the hot and cold behaviors, push & pull dynamics how is that a stable relationship??! We all get hurt as human beings because no one is perfect including you. Flaws are in all of us! So to say that you need reassurance from someone that they won’t hurt you would be a lie. But that should not stop you from experiencing deep and meaningful connections and work through disagreements with an open mind, respect and understanding. The question is are you willing to put in the effort to work on what keeps you stuck from experiencing real love?
What if anxious attachment person marry new person 😌 and permanently block the avoidant
Then she did sooooo good
👏👏👏👏👏
i only watch these kind of videos so i don't allow my ex avoidant to weasel her toxic and selfish way back into my life
AMEN!!!!
Absolutely. And those kind of videos and comments from TH-cam are very helpful. They only come back to make sure that you are still an available option.
What if i block from all social media 😌😌and don't give any. chance to do shit to avoidant
Very clear explanation of what to do, when and if. The emphasis on boundaries, so important to know these. Thank you for this video
Thanks for your comment! I hope they were helpful :)
Hey charlie ! You are great at your explanations ! Much appreciated, and lo e tbe guitar collection in the background 🤘
Great insight and a very wise avoidance/fearful transformed person! Thank you for bringing this positivity
Thank you! I appreciate that :)
Jesus...this sounds like drudgery & endless work.
It is, and you end up with a big fat nothing in return. So not worth it
Walking on eggshells 24/7
You’ll loose yourself and feel guilty for loving and expecting bare minimum in return…..
@@karmatsheringtashibhutia3245 I can't believe just how toxic my ex was. There was so much trauma, drama, conflict - she created 85-90% of it ( along with her toxic teen kids). It's kind of remarkable I didn't run away 6 months earlier. A life-long train wreck.
How could you ever trust that they won't just disappear again. My avoidant has lovely qualities but even if asked he'd deny there was any concerns. I think he had checked out before leaving, rather pushing me to tell him to go, and set himself up with a 'friend' who he now lives with and where his needs (for now) are being met.
Thanks Charlie! I have listened to many of your videos about avoidant ex and it seems like there is a high chance that they always come back. I’m stuck with this idea for about 2 months now, feeling like I'm waiting for her and subconsciouly hesitant to move on. I'm unsure how to proceed, as I don't want her to come back while I'm in the process of building something new. I believe our relationship had great potential, specially because she struggled alot to end it, i remember the day she called me to tell me that she wants the breakup, she was heartbroken, and I could hear the pain in her voice, see it in her actions, and witness it in her eyes. And just two days prior, she was full with love, she even shed tears of affection, We were genuinely in love with each other and shared many wonderful moments. Everything fell into place when I discovered her avoidant attachment style. However, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m still unsure about what to do next. It’s easy to say, “just live your life and move on,” but when you’ve only had great moments with that person and know she might return, it becomes incredibly difficult to embark on a new adventure and forget about her
I felt the same way 2, 3, 4 months in, but then I decided it was time to move on. It's been 11 months now and he still hasn't reached back out so I'm glad I didn't wait around for him. I have a great boyfriend now that is very caring, communicative, and attentive. If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that!
The description of your relationship was exactly like mine. We had connection and chemistry like I've never experienced before, I know he felt the same and that scared him. We were friends for 4 years prior to dating. I truly believe he will come back some day, but it wouldn't have been fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. You can't control other people, so first and foremost do what's best for you. Holding on to pain and hoping for something that may never happen is not what's best for your mental health!
Im in the exact same position. Literally. 😮
Stay resilient; we will overcome it.@@PhillipKopp
This "If I had kept waiting I would have missed out on that!" hits really hard, Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. I will definitely adopt this perspective, and as u said, it wouldn't be fair to myself to keep waiting on a ghost. Once again, thank you so much.@@creatureofstyle
Stay resilient, we will overcome this.@@PhillipKopp
Thanks for a great video❤What about a “ happy birthday “ message after 10 months of complete no contact ?
10 months is decent amount of time during no contact. I recommend keeping it short, brief and casual if you do 👍
Insanity
I always believe
Who does it once
That's it twice
Hell no 😔
People misinterpret texting feelings within texts I feel
No I am not available to reconnect. He did this, I never respond. Sick tired of his on and off, hot and cold, incapable to communicate in healthy way, playing all of those psychological games on me.
Your contents are very helpful. Thanks 👍
What if neither has social media ?
Omg THIS
Fabulous content 👌 thank you
Thank you! Your channel is a great find! I love the way you spell it out, but are empathetic. Thank you for being realistic & sharing your story as well
I blocked him on my social media and i changed my number
Nice
I have a dismissive avoidant ex "friend" who's been skulking around my job and I'm only researching any of this for the sake of finding the nicest, most wholesome way of telling her to fuck off, go to hell, perish, so on an so forth. She rots everything she touches and I want no parts. All I want from her is silence and solitude. Her absence is the very best she has to offer me, but UNFORTUNATELY for some reason the internet is obsessed to get back with avoidant people??? (Like ew for what???) Other than actually caring about them, how do you repel dismissive avoidants????
heres a fun one. a ex who dumps you, asks to be friends and doesnt block your methods of communication. Overthinking on my end or someone who isnt even sure about the break up?
Avoidants (if they broke up w you) are generally more open to friendship because they don’t harbor ill feelings
Keeps u at a distance
What if you don’t have any social media or at least not a public one and never followed each other? There’s no way for either of us to spy or dip a toe with passive contact in this way.
If the avoidance ex comes back, it's because they want to see if they still have access to you.
You can only have a healthy relationship with them if they are intentional about wanting a relationship with you and are willing to work on whatever trauma that made them that way in the first place.
What if I just want my stuff back from their apartment ? Got dumped Sunday don’t wanna let my stuff get thrown out - plus I don’t want the rebound using it
Tell them to mail it to you and you’ll reimburse the postage.
I met an avoidant 6 months ago who also has sexual trauma in her past life now I’m seeing a therapist, psychiatrist and going to couples therapy but she doesn’t come to the couples meetings. Also said she needs time and space today after I asked why can’t we go out more instead of sitting at home all the time. I’m fighting to get my girlfriend to wanna go do more fun stuff. After 45 days of walking on egg shells I started calling out of her BS but in a heathy argumentative way. She would completely shutdown and tell me I’m being silly. After 6 months today she asked for space I told her if you’re done say you’re done and I got the notorious ‘ need time and space’. I was single for 8 years prior to this 6 month relationship started. She’s in for a rude awakening when needing space from a nomad. I packed up my 3 containers then me and my dog drove 2,300 miles away the next day :)
Great vídeo.
Don’t respond to breadcrumbs
That was wonderful advise
The big question how would we treat the next break up should it happen, and how to proceed if it does happen, excellent advise,
🙌🏾 THANK YOU FOR THIS 🙌🏾
Getting involved with an avoidant is like courting an alligator. At any point, it could turn real bad at your expense. Leave while you're ahead .
Has anyone ever blocked their avoident partner. Hes the one that broke up with me and he keeps just staring at my content. Wich is weird since he wants nothing to do with me.
How do you know he’s staring at your content? Is there a settings where you can see this on social media? 😂
Yes, I blocked him because I got tired of the mind games. It's been such a relief. Out of sight & out of mind!
@@samo.5546 just blocked him too. I feel better already.
Dismissive and fearful avoidant, attachment, personality, styles both have a fear of commitment that they showed through their actions.
The fearful avoidant attachment, personality style also has the fear of abandonment that they show through their actions.
The dismissive avoidant attachment, personality style does have that fear of abandonment, but they are not going to show it through their actions.
It’s more like an underlying fear of abandonment, so they keep it under wraps. They basically keep it private from public knowledge, but it is there.
They suppress that fear, especially if they preoccupied, anxious attachment, personality style, pressures them. They feel trapped and they don’t want to feel like someone else is in control of their emotions.
This is the reason that they shut down basically. They are still curious though so you will see them looking at your content privately.
Remember, everyone’s human and everyone has the same exact emotions. We may not experience them simultaneously, but we all experience them eventually.
@@Fairgreentube thank you for explaining this for me better.
FA reached out 13 days after the break up to say they were thinking about me a lot but I need to chill. I said we couldve easily worked out the issues, but they quickly replacex me and showed me the door, however, I was open to discuss and they need to think about what they want and what matters. If I don't hear back, fine. I'm already on my healing journey and feeling much better already. I'm resilient.
A time management style person may be much less avoidant with his independent hobbies, and make time for everything.
But a time management person also can not be too obsessed with time, because time is partially an illusion when it comes to Quantum physics....
but use intuition to enjoy hobbies and partnerships as long as possible....especially removing bad habits., like watching too much tv etc.
He blocked me everywhere so no social media. I deactivated FB. We're LDR. I'm remain hopeful he'll send me an email that's more then "How are you"
Question is, how to transition from keeping things "light" to having the conversation re: whether or not to try again as a couple. My ex DA & I (FA) have been reconnecting over the past six months. My DA reached out for Xmas, New Year's AND Valentine's, and we've hung out a number of times, so I'm debating whether or not to finally broach the subject of whether or not they want to try again, and how to bring up the topic without triggering either of us or putting any pressure on the situation. So far, i've been really good about giving my DA space, etc...
I have experienced this myself. I gave that person a chance. but right now we are 4years of being close friends.
Exactly my avoidant viewed my story after I added another follower who liked my photo and my avoidant liked my photo again a month later 😮
I'm going through some anxiety because I figured me getting sober, working out, getting counselling, journaling, and giving her space would have her at least reach out to me after 3 months. After not saying anything on her birthday a few weeks ago, (I was told not too) she blocked me on almost everything and still never had said a word since the break up. What kills me is that I never did anything to warrant her to be this way and she went from super in love with me to being completely cold..
It’s been a day after the break up, I’m hurt but also I cannot bring myself to cry. I left one last message for him before I go no contact.
At the beginning of last year (2023/February 13th),
the man whom I revered as my best friend,
abandoned and betrayed me.
In an instant, just like that, out of the blue...
He discarded and replaced me.
I guess it wasn't real friendship.
I'd like to say it must have been love...
But really, it must have been a trauma bond.
It's been over a year, and I'm still healing...
Bottom line is, being mean and abusive
is being mean and abusive.
(He ALWAYS had to approve the conversations we had.
If he didn't, he would say: "that's too heavy for me to talk about".
Or, "I'm too tired/busy to have that discussion".💗)
Whoah, you dodget a bullet if may I say a grenade. Phew, what an asshole. Damn. Well, hope this taught you some healthy boundaries.
Seems healthy to say he doesn’t want to have those conversations. He was your friend, not your lover. He probably could sense that you loved him, and he didn’t feel the same way. However, there is the chance he did and was scared of commitment.
Listen to this song Superstar Sh*t by Dominic Fike. "Save me some, she said love
I felt like you could've called it somethin' else" damn good lyrics and the whole album is actually spot on
Having reached out during no contact twice now I don’t think we will be getting back together. My hope is just to repair our relationship and become good friends with one another. Supportive of one our dreams and goals. Nothing more because as an anxious attachment I can’t live with regrets or the what if’s. I know it’s over. I’ve had a DA long time before this ex who came back right at the moment I was moving on. He sent a long message and ruined everything I was beginning with my new prospective partner. Hoping history doesn’t repeat itself
I’m afraid this is what just happened to me. Inadvertently I started no contact (hadn’t seen any of these videos) and met someone new, who seemed like a very good fit. Then bang! One day I was saying how I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my ex off my mind and 15 minutes later I get a text from her. Long story but without having the understanding I do now, I jumped and dumped the new girl. My ex then pulled away, saying she wanted to be friends and now I see the DA behavior. Had I known I would not have jumped and dumped.
So block them lol
Thank you, this is helpful as I have been on off with an avoidant 1.8yrs....I am trying to be patient and haven't had the talk as I don't know if I want to commit 2 him as he is a DA and I am AP more secure.
What should I do if my ex wife kind of goes hot and cold. When we were in no contact, I’m not sure they even like much she likes to check in on me(but nothing more super avoidant). But we came out of a small no contact period that was kind of planned everything was very casual but she was very happy and enthusiastic to hear from me started to send me memes and somewhat connect with me. One night after she called me I sent a bit of a deeper than surface level message. She messaged me in the middle of the night and said she’s hurting. Talked to me all night and said her guard is down and to talk with her about anything. She 100% still has feelings for me tried to connect all night on a deep and even somewhat flirtatious level. But the next day she said she got carried away with her emotions and took it too far. Now it’s back to being avoidant, however she acknowledges she wants to have deep conversations with me but to take it slow. Should I just kind of leave the ball in her court? If I don’t reach out she will just stay busy and suppress everything. Admittedly she says she can just force her self not to think about anything and stay busy. But when she lets herself feel it it’s always been positive towards me.
I got ghosted by my Fearful Avoidant ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over to her being drunk a night. After the 5 th breakup from her side even though we agreed that it will be the final breakup. I guess she wanted to see if she can still get me to come over or have control over me. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot. Its a balance game between caring too much and not enough they are going to blame you for it either way. You have to be an incredibly strong and emotionally stable person to have a healthy longterm realtionship with a FA - (im Anxious Attached type) - When dating this is one of my first questions regarding their attachment style
Okay, so I was dating an avoidant for a couple months. I was putting all of my energy into them and I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO PLAN/ASK HER ON DATES! She never once asked me out. I remember she told me “I’m just following your lead darling” I should’ve known then…😅
Your videos are very soothing to watch, thank you for putting them out into the world. :)
So what questions and topics should be raised when ex will reach you and want to meet up again? Could you provide a list if ipossible, I didn't get it from the video.
Basically breadcrumbing. I didn't know what that was so of course I took the reaching out as wanting to get back together, that lead to being blocked after talking about good memories.
I left my avoidant and after missing him I tried reaching out to make up and to find out he found a new gf . Says he is EXTREMELY HAPPY and blocked me . Idk I was hurting really really bad and it’s been 4 weeks since he spoke to me or even tried .
I asked my avoidant ex to block me. Not sure how that's gonna work out.
that was kinda fierce of you ngl
@@yee6870 whaddya mean by that? It was never my intention to hurt her. Just needed to move on.
Did she?
@dannywholuv Yes, she did block me. I think I angered and upset her but I'm an FA and needed to find a way to stop pestering her.
we had an argument then we split up then i tried to talk a little she didnt seem to mind that but shes wasnt happy tho , i tried no contact , now shes ignoring me
5 months of no contact. He didn’t block me anywhere but doesn’t look at my stories either. Not that I post too much at all. But yeah.
Need help: my FA liked a post of mine (we’re not following each other) I’m in a conflict because I wanna stay true to my boundaries and stay in no contact until she reaches out in a meaningful way but what if she needs a reaction to feel safe to reach out further? Because we know that they fear rejection. But maybe she’s also just looking for validation and that’s it. And also I don’t want to take responsibility from her, since she broke up, the ball is in her hand. I just don’t know if it was an act to test the water to see if she’s safe to reach out or something else.
What if it's been 4 months of them watching stories everyday.
Anything other than someone choosing to elevate interaction with you should just be seen a limited effort. Unless they're trying to engage with you in some way beyond viewing your stories, it's best to ignore it as best you can
Is there an average time span that avoidants take before they come back after the break up?
Mostly it depends on how quickly they process their fears vs their feelings. However most commonly they come back within 45 - 60 days of full no contact. Not since the break up itself but since the last moment of contact with them
@@healingwithcharlie Got it, thank you. I feel there's no hope in my case :p
Mine reached out day 67.
Don’t get hung up on the numbers… That 45-60 day statement is generalized and pretty inaccurate. It all depends on each individual. Some FA’s won’t regulate until at least 90 days… DA’s can take a full 6 months… if not more. These “coaches” generalize information too frequently. Focus on yourself, healing, and don’t count the days… just focus on you day by day.
@danjones9587 it's been 6 months and mine hasn't mrssaged yet. Do you think they're done or it'll take more time for them to recover?
I deleted my last comment about bpd on your last vid. But I feel as if being avoidant could factor in bpd behavior. Correct me if I’m wrong?
Correct! Some people with BPD have avoidant personality disorder or dismissive avoidant attachment/fearful avoidant attachment. Although not always, it’s common for a lot of people with BPD
@@healingwithcharlie it’s so unfortunate. I have worked in mental health and it’s sad how much people have bpd these days along with npd and other serious disorders. But I hope people don’t look at these people and run away cuz they are just as human as we are.
Hey… I went on your website to enquire about one to one sessions and coaching, but can’t find it? Do you still offer this? Your videos are really speaking to me, I’m anxious and my ex is avoidant… The breakup was messy and I repeatedly broke no contact, he’s now dating again and I’m a mess to be honest!!! I’ve now started no contact and I’m two weeks into that… driving myself crazy trying to work out what’s going on in his head. 😢
Damn is that an ESP Exlporer in the back?
Yessir! 👍
I am a Fearful Avoidant. I have my very avoidant tendencies… So trust me when I say…
They don’t genuinely want to get back together. It’s called Hoovering. They are testing to see if they can still control you. Avoidants want love too… but for a brief amount of time. We are going to want to jump back into our other goals. You become a smaller priority again.
Ugh toxic just reading that. Those types of people deserve to be alone until they fix their crappy behavior. Controlling is manipulation, and idk what planet that’s considered loving behavior.
I got ghosted by my FA ex after i called her selfish for asking me to come over after the 5 th breakup from her side and we agreed that it will be the last breakup. They cant take criticism even though she said its selfish herself. At least she was very reflected on her behaviour. You can only keep them if you dont care if they leave you or not, they feel its not affecting or hurting you - IT means you are strong enough to handle them. Still they take too much energy to be with in the long run. They cant give you what you need but you have to give them a looot.
She kept watching my stories. She’d post things trying to get my attention, and I fell for it just once. Realized that she was just hovering, so she could get the validation then return to normal. So I ended up just soft blocking her. Mostly for me, but also because she doesn’t deserve to see what I’m up to.
I have been diligently studying this horrible affliction for a month now. Here's the lowdown:
1) They are controlling
2) NO affection from them!
3) They only enjoy SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATION, no heart-to-hearts with them, they are shallow, period! If you think you'll ever have a deep conversation & sharing feelings with them, FORGET IT! They simply aren't interested. Mine even told me, "I'm Shallow!"
4) They will give you NO compliments, ever!
5) Mine gave NO gifts.
6) NO "I love you", it's scares them to death to say it! Even if they told you at the beginning they are crazy about you, never felt like this with anyone, blah blah blah
7) They will NITPICK YOU TO DEATH, trying to tear down what little self-esteem you have left!
8) They are "party people" -- they enjoy PARTIES, CLUBS, ETC. Anything where there's going to be SHALLOW, MEANINGLESS CONVERSATION.
My advice after studying it deeply -- RUN RUN RUN, AVOID THEM LIKE THE PLAGUE!
Wow that’s toxic as f I hope you’re going to therapy dude!
I stay away from posting stories because im afraid she wont watch them
Dude live your own life and do what you want, post stories whether she watches them or not.
My ex blocked me. Should I block him back during no contact?
I did ! Play just like them
Hun ❤
I truly appreciate your dissection of both avoidant and anxious attachments. However I must say it seems like when you analyzed both but you don’t seem to address the huge flaw of avoidants in relation to contorting reality and escaping accountability and conflict avoidance and shiftting blame. This seems like the very fuel the anxious needs for the avoidant to weaponize
Also avoidants can mentally checkout escape, retreat, all while still place holding, benefiting, extracting and form of emotion weather good or bad from the anxious. You can then count on the anxious to perform to win the alleged Unsafe partner of the year award. You know what’s a curious question what percent of avoidants are women and what percent are anxious, generally speaking which of the two is ‘more likely to ….
He doesn't have social media. He contacted me but I wasn't sure if he just wanted to hook up so I snapped on it :( He went cold for a year but still wanted to make out one night instead of talking and so I was DONE. 4 months later he showed up :/ We had a sincere love but because of cultural difference he had to let me go bc I wanted marriage :(
Diplomacy;
Me as myself also cannot thinking as of these time from my 4years relief from being subjected as a Avoidant PD as of many days and ways wasting my innocence
as of today from 4years ago I kept the pace being "Passive" on its realistic timetable although my passive metaphysics have some signs rewarding whilst the terms of Adversity host were still at the potential hostile dispersity
My ex I believe is FA and she reached out to me after almost 2 months of NC to ask if I wanted a dog her friend was giving away. Was so confused because she’s got into a new relationship less than 3 months after we broke up. And we were in contact for most of the time after we broke up. Idk if she genuinely was trying to find the dog a home or just wanted to reach out to me.
Why would you even Want to after months 🙉🤷♀️
Can 2 ppl with avoidance traits be together? Im avoidant and i can see similar things on my ex,which makes it super difficult to get back together, while its so clear we both dying for that
They can! My next video will explain the different attachment styles in relationship with avoidants and I’ll be covering avoidant-avoidant relationships so stay tuned :)
@@healingwithcharlie wow thank you for that 🤍
It's not worth it. I've realized if I gotta put in that much work they're not worth it & it's they're loss. Sorry! Coddling a child is one thing...not doin it for adults! That's why It's important for folks to fix THEMSELVES or lose opportunities in life. That's on THEM!
We split on Nov 4 it’s recent
My ex avoidant replied to my text (I broke no contact) and he said “I was always
concerned about your health and I hope you will have a happy life with a positive mindset”
I replied my health is fine that I’m at the gym and that I think of him and cherish our moments. That thanks for his good wishes.
This means he doesn’t want to come back?
I replied with a pic of myself at the gym because he mentioned my health (I was sad when we were together because was a long distance relationship)
I don’t understand what he means.,
Did I lose him completely?
How can you tell if he has resentment ? If he doesn't voice or text his feelings of ?
He's read texts and wries replies why he answers question with a question of possibility? HE was one who walked away I've tried to message him he reads responses sometimes but always answers with a question of questioning his own answers ?
Is re-adding an ex usually a sign or does it just coincide with watching stories? Because watching stories, to me, just means they’re curious or care about you.
I had completely given up on the avoidant person, for obvious reasons. Life was nice, boring but nice. But then years later since the last contact, they call me and don't leave a message and then call again a few weeks later to only let it ring once. Is this considered indirect contact? So many years have past that I don't know what to make of it. lol Any thoughts?
I spoke to meet up with my ex two days ago. We broke up 3 months ago. He wanted me to get the closure I need so he can get space, since he knew it was alot eating me up that I wanted to talk about. He told me that he’s still healing from the relationship, n that he dont want a relationship with me, because I broke his trust. The day of our breakup up we got into a argument and im usually not the type to get mad easily over stuff but my emotions were just out in I didn’t have a outlet so I texted him some hurtful things for him to understand my hurt. I regret it n didn’t really mean the things I said but he still holds onto it. We ended up sleeping together that night. N he wanted to record a video of us for himself which was weird if u don’t want any reminder of me. He told me that he was going to block and delete my number when he left that night cause I kept asking him why not just do it if u don’t want to hear from me. I sent a little text the next day in it went through then I unsent it. He hasn’t blocked my number which was strange. I’m confuse on this situation
I wouldn't of had let the person record and save a video of myself. That's just a way to have memories and not care anymore. Wich is weird.
Never let a man record you being intimate with him. That man is gonna come back when he wants to make another video. Stop doing this. He could be selling the videos. He knows you’re desperate and will play off it.
@@Relle. Hey, Thank you for the info. he deleted the video. We’re kinda back on good terms he said he still figuring out his emotions and it’s been 4 months. So I’ll see how that goes
@@iamtyleek_8911 no worries. Best of luck ✨
What if this person is so in love and has cried for 2 months about ending it w you? No contact or it spirals them and start crying again? Why walk away when there is so much love coach other? Why?
Usually it stems from a fear of some kind. The fear is messing up, not being good enough and the fear consequently being discarded because of those can cause them to walk away first. It’s often easier to walk away on your own terms than to be heartbroken later only to be proven right when they do abandon you. Of course there is no way to guarantee this will happen, but fear and anxiety can be strong motivators for avoidants to take action sooner out of precaution and avoidance of experiencing pain in the future. In a way it’s done out of self protection but it limits their opportunities in the process
Charlie, what would you recommend in this situation: its only been a couple of weeks since we began our no contact. Her birthday is next week and i have a gift i wanted to mail to her. Would you suggest NOT sending the gift? I'm uncertain on how to handle this situation.
Depends on how things ended and the reasons for no contact. If the other person said they don't want any contact, or anything to do with you then I'd refrain out of respect for their boundaries. If things ended somewhat amicably, and you just need space to think then you can still send the gift, perhaps with a note that reiterates it's not an attempt to get them back, but that you wanted them to have the gift given the timing of the situation. Otherwise, you could always return the gift and put that money toward something for yourself if giving it doesn't feel right