SIGNS YOU ARE TRAUMA MASKING: LIVING IN A TRANCE OF TRAUMA
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ส.ค. 2023
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My father is autistic, no shame to him, but sometimes, in certain ways I feel fatherless...
On the spectrum.. and my guy.. as someone in his position.. yeah I completely get how you feel that way.
Both my parents are autistic and one's also narcissistic. Hence, I lived with 2 terrible abusers for 18 years since birth.
I've had a very very hard and traumatic life. I've never been loved by anyone either. So I've had all the crap stuff and none of the good family stuff.
I walked away 15 years ago, forgave them, and have not spoken to them since. They still try to break my spirit 😢.
Well I hope it's not that they don't love you.. and it's just hard for them to express it. I couldn't interact in any meaningful way with my kids for a very long time. I've been diagnosed borderline and cptsd too. Love has come with pain for me for a very long time. I honestly not sure. I know that even my nieces and nephews.. as small children I could not deal. And sadly it took a lot of them wanting to hang out with their uncle and encouragement from their parents for me to even form a bond. This is having another adult and a great deal of effort from the kids part. I really don't know if that bond would have formed without that. I miss both of my kids. But their mothers have decided to just be the way they are. I can logically in my head say wow.. this is messed up.. I should do something about this.. and I just don't. The bound that I feel because of the circumstances.. is some separation bond.. which aligns with my own childhood. Its likely fear of being a shitty parent, it think, that freezes me too. I don't exactly know. Just been masking for so long and through therapy and medication.. I am slowly peeling back the onion.. and it's like a very.. honestly shitty process... And a lot of me really just wants to quit.. but like I said the logic says.. hey if you don't do this you're probably never going to be ok.. you're probably going to be alone.. and you're probably going to ruin anything between your kids and yourself.. and what's worse.. abuse.. mistakes.. or having nothing. Obviously mistakes are themselves.. but I find myself.. on one of two paths.. effortless recovering from them.. to the point people think I'm an asshole.. or feeling so much guilty and shame (I guess that's what it is I don't really know for sure) that I practically useless in all ways. It's never like I'm between. It's a very.. I guess weird.. or maybe even hard to understand.. or misunderstood thing.. add that.. that constant feeling of nobody really gets it.. it's kind of piles up and may create these situations where they may not even know they are doing it.. or in some cases.. myself for example, I cannot control myself. Which is honestly terrifying enough when I'm aware of that.. and even more ridiculously terrifying when I am not. They may be coping.. or avoiding.. I really hope that's what it is.. and that it's even possible for me to get to a point where I can trust myself. I don't know too much about your situation and I this might not really apply to it.. but I thought maybe this might help.. although.. that feeling, I'm sure isn't an easy one to have. I hope you're able to be ok. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. I would say try to talk to them.. but it's also possible they could not be ok with that. Possibly family therapy? Idk wish I could help more. Have a good day
I honestly lost my point really.. and I'm not trying to be insensitive or like advocate abuse. It's wrong.. and having and illness does not excuse it. At all. I hope you're able to find a way to be ok. Good luck
Same
I remember being surprised in grade school when I visited friends and saw how peaceful and loving their families were. I seldom asked anyone to visit our home. Indiscriminately accepting people and jobs that came my way was an issue in early adulthood, and willingness to engage in conflict was a struggle though my forties. I try now to be wise about people, giving relationships a long time to evolve, but I also try to nurture my innocence, my beginner’s mind, because it is the source of my creativity - a part of who I am that connects me to others and brings me joy.
Totally relate with all of this.
Dieresis, you sound like a person very worth knowing. I am cultivating connections mindfully now, too, instead of just accepting whomever comes my way. I believe I am now behaving as a person worth knowing. It's funny how that works! :D
Same, I ended up spending too much time in someone else’s peaceful household. Then was assaulted due to being naive, and not noticing red flags because I only saw the calm household that I craved.
I feel like I’ve been in a trance most of my life, you hit the nail on the head for me thank you
me too….how do we get out, wake up???
@@skipskiperton4992have the courage to see your dysfunctional and adoptive behaviors. See your shadow self. Easier said than done. A strong meditation practice helps.
Yes. A trance. Children operate from Theta brainwaves until age 7.....hypnosis is performed under Theta brainwaves. I truly believe we are set into a trance/hypnosis through the formative years. The outcome is subject to what you experienced.
Oh yes, 'forced to become an expert'! I am totally self -taught and greatly feel the pressure always having to figure everything out.
Me too!!!!!!!!! 100% self taught everything. Mothers fav quote is burned in my brain, “I don’t know Sasha, figure it out.” I’ve heard that’s since 4 or 5 grade. I’ll be 46 in Nov.
This is my whole life. A month ago I was not aware of it. It spontaneously opened up. Now I am seeking therapy for C-PTSD and narcissistic abuse. I even woke up in the middle of the night with a random memory of my mother "volunteering" me to do chores in front of her dinner guests, and the look of rage on her face if I tried to decline. I was just a tool to make her look good. I wasn't a child. I was a thing.
Kudos to you. Stay with your therapy. I've been in recovery for CPTSD (childhood abuse) for four years now, and although it's hard work, it's worth every minute!
Hear you! I recently realized my mother didn't hate me, it's more she didn't know me. She didn't like what I represented.. the 3rd child neither of them wanted but they didn't have a choice. Girls and women should not be forced to have children they are not ready, willing and able to care for .. for 18+ years.
This was my father, it was not enough that I had to take over my mother's role after she died when I was 11 years old, he'd push me to help out in other relatives' homes whenever we went for a party.
This is how I felt for most of my younger pre trauma therapy life. I lived in a constant state of anxiety perfectionism worry fear and insecurity. 💯 hyper vigilant. I had no idea I was trauma bonded and abused until recently. Totally had the same experience with my mother. I had no voice either and never expressed my feelings before. It’s like I just woke up and don’t know where I am or who I am. I feel so bad for my younger self just trying to survive, but also proud of her for all she did regardless of the trauma she experienced. Hard truths to see for sure. Focusing on my life and my identity now with self compassion and rescuing myself. Grateful for my therapy and safe supports. ❤
Same, except I knew I was abused but not to the full extent that I am realizing now through my recent therapy. I just don't have the words to explain it so eloquently. Thank you for sharing.
I relate to this 100%. I was a hyper sensitive child with way too much empathy and emotional intensity and I was raised by a vulnerable narcissist mom and brother.
After emdr therapy, I was able to start waking up. Now 7 years post emdr and trauma treatment and memories are starting to flood in. They just don’t “feel” like my memories, I know they’re my memories but it feels like I was just a witness to my entire life, unable to DO anything about what was happening to me for the 1st 36 years of my life, while I was being abused and re-victimized over and over again.
I’m still incredibly broken, like my nervous system was destroyed and I can’t stop myself from dissociating on and off all day long, it’s just the memories hit me and won’t let go.
I feel very similarly. It's a tough wakeup call. Proud of our little selves, too 💜
People have emotions. Emotions are normal. Stop forcing people to believe emotions are not a normal part of being human.
Did I write this in a disassociated state? I've self-medicated the past 20 years and recently quit drinking (wow, almost 2 years now) and what's odd is I described my dawning realizations in almost the exact same way. I wrote something to the effect of, it was like I had been living in this fog my whole life and one day I woke up in a hospital bed, looked around and wondered "how did I get here?" What's interesting is I was never in the hospital so the 'waking up' there was figurative and in retrospect, rather telling.
Thank you for your sincere informative videos, they now make sense to me 100%. I'm in my mid sixties and I finally left an abusive unhealthy marriage after 3 plus decades. I had the perfect house, car, flower garden, bank account, career, etc. etc. and I did whatever it took to maintain that "fake image" at the cost of literally having my life force sucked out of me daily. I blamed my ex for my misery, it had to be him because I was the responsible adult (or thought I was) who had chosen him. It finally dawned on me that since the day I was born the I was being programmed to make the choice to marry a narcissist like my late father. My late Mom was afraid of him also and turned a blind eye to his rages, spankings and abuse to myself and my other siblings (and then Mom would go and cook up a delicious meal for us all to share as a diversion). I remember as a 5 year old if I was crying he would bark at me to "Quit that crying or I'll really give you something to cry about!" My Dad wasn't all bad all of the time, he did have his good points, but that's what really through my child's brain off balance. My parents were unsafe, plain and simple, reality does bite. I have been finally healing and working on my long overdue self love and self care, I have learnt my lesson and no longer live in the magical thinking, delusional world of Barbie or am I still a people pleaser. I treat my kids totally different than I was treated. I am enjoying living on my own as I would rather be single than in a relationship and miserable, and it's not too late. Hope this helps anyone reading, please choose wisely. Enjoy your day!
I can still hear my mother"s exasperation with me when she said °stop your crying or I'll give you something to cry about°. It only taught me to be afraid to show negative emotions and not show my unhappiness and to be content with whatever I was given or didn't receive. Just exist.
"Life force sucked out of me daily." Boy do I relate to that
I was told that same thing by both parents. I remember realizing that nobody cared about me, my feelings, my needs, just do what you're told. I was maybe 12. I can relate to your story, and feel relieved because I thought I was the only one. I wish I could've known sooner. I am 60 and finally waking up. Thank you ❤
A huge problem with living in a trance state, is being given drugs to deal with trauma. The trauma remains unresolved and even when our subconscious finally processes the events, we remain in a trance because these medications are so difficult to come off and leave the brain injured. I know this isn't the point of the presentation but it does have an impact on recovery when GPs are prescribing meds instead of giving a voice to the patient.
This is theorized to be a big cause of the opioid epidemic. If you look at the demographics of who got excessive opioid prescriptions and where, you see it disproportionately in communities already suffering a high burden of unaddressed mental health and social support needs. Yeah nominally ol Ted blew his back out tossing bales of shingles at work but poor mental health is correlated with poorer pain tolerance and worse recovery outcomes for all diseases and injuries. What Ted needed was his GP to sit down with him and set him up with a mental health professional and physical therapist so he can get himself actually well enough to conquer his other issues like job training and marriage problems. Instead they knew they were tossing Ted a 1- 2 bandaid of opiates for the pain and anti depressants for the underaddressed mental illness. And nothing changed.
Thank you for sharing, I've been 3 years clean from depression/anxiety/pain meds & I'm still struggling with the trauma.
Dr. Sage, Are you saying that we stay children because we are trying to be taken care of now in the way we should have been as children? We are still trying to get that very basic need met of being parented. That makes sense. It explains a lot.
This is quite literally my whole life! I’m 68 and only in the last few years realising I’ve how much I’ve lived my life in trauma mode. A continuous cycle of anxiety and depression, so many poor decisions in my relationships and life choices all influenced by my childhood growing up with a controlling narcissistic mother who only recently passed away. Thankyou for this video Kim it’s given me a whole new clarity and perspective of what I’ve been living with these past 68 years! 🙏🏻
Thank you so much for this incredible insight into my own childhood trauma. I’m approaching the age of 70 in a few months and I’m still just that little girl wanting to be taken care of and to feel secure.
Amy, I am also in the 7th decade of life, and the little girl that just wants to be cared for is still crying her eyes out inside me. I believe she always will be. She is mine to care for, tenderly, whenever she needs me. My identity no longer rests in her pain and trauma. I know she is just one part of me, and all my other parts are strong enough to hold her.
It feels good and right to be doing this work at this stage of life. I do it out loud often, so that others of our generation know they're not alone. I am grateful I have made it this far in my healing, something my parents were sadly denied.
I am glad you are here. It helps to be doing this work with others like me. It reminds me to be gentle with myself, and give my little girl a hug right now...just because!
Have a good day, Amy. 🙏
@Laurajeanz thank you! Your message today is a gift ❣️
I appreciate every word and am happy to know that you are “there” ❣️
I'm over halfway there, not sure how you girls survived this world that long. You are both incredibly strong and resilient.
@@rekietabeatslc9980 I don't feel strength or resilience in me. I feel strength and resilience in numbers. It is good to be here with you. ❣
@@LauraJeanz Thank you so much for sharing how you actually deal with your trauma. Very helpful.
Thank you so much. The brutal honesty you show is touching. I grew up in and absent parent house-(both parents) And I carried that lost, non oriented, searching; feeling out of place, unwanted, unloved, with me into my late 50's-when divorce forced me to Psychiatry and Therapy.
This is exactly my situation too. My parents were never narcissists or abusive,they were just never there. I thought trauma occurred only if it was from physical abuse and come to find out complex ptsd is even worse. Just learning and trying to heal at 52,better late than never I guess
Me too! I stayed in a trauma bond with my mother for 49 years. Ive been so embarrassed about that, that it took me so long to walk away. Its been almost 2 years since ive spoken to my parents. Your story and mine are SO similar.
I've had an abandonment wound since i was given away through adoption at birth. Two older dysfunctional people decided to be parents. I struggled on so many fronts, never feeling like I fit in, attaching too quickly or not at all, choosing to allow or invite people into my life who actually didn't deserve me. People with drug or alcohol or psychological issues, unavailable, spending time with me as if it was a burden... I haven't dated in 12 years. I haven't met anyone who remotely interests me now that I'm figuring out what I don't want or do need. Happier than I've ever been.
Lost my father at 19 ,he was 38 years old it was a car accident and then it feels like a constant storm hit. Now I’m 60 and feel like I could write a really good book.
Do it! You could help a lot of people.
Please do it!! I've told my bf the same thing about his own life
I think the more of us who write about our experiences, the more we can spread awareness
Write the book.
Go for it! I wrote a script! It feels like therapy It's so healing and when others relate you really feel the CONNECTION ❤
This is my story. You actually made me cry because I am literally uncovering these patterns in me. It took a toll on me when it came to self care, money relationships, and over giving in relationships to compensate for the lack of worth I didn't even know I had. It took a spiritual awakening to get me here. I could not be constant in things I enjoyed doing because in my childhood the idea of loving came with the need to do something in order to deserve to be cared for and we never had enough.
It is scary to see how I neglected myself based on the neglect I experienced in childhood.
I saw the victimisation mindset it created and the fear and anxiety to change.
I don't even know how to change it. Where to start. It is scary.
@Arie-on This is becoming a societal pattern. So many of us are going through this and it's becoming more prevalent in a self preserving environment that more children are being exposed to. I wish I could change it for everyone suffering.
Exactly! I’m there right now. Completely overwhelmed of all the work I have to do in order not to allow this to repeat continuously in my life.
@anairimiabooks unfortunately, most of us share these experiences. As a 37 year old man, this describes my mother and ex wife almost perfectly. It has been passed onto me without realization….
I have been in therapy and have drenched myself in these healing videos for the same amount of time. It takes WORK, patience with yourself, slowing down, breathing, self talk….it is a process to re-program those twisted and unhealthy habits.
We just have to trust life and begin the healing process. It is tough for sure to get doing the *work* because it feels as if we are going against our dysfunctional *comfort* zone from a child to now.
Wishing you lots of strength and patience for yourself! 🙏😊
I spent years keeping a wall around my childhood not wanting to acknowledge how it affected my adult life. It wasn't until last year that I started working through it.
Everything you say resonates, and the wounded child in a healed adult costume..wow. I feel I am waking up to so much and a big part of that is due to your content 🙏 Have an amazing time at the concert!🎉❤
God is waking all His children up so they can rise over darkness. If you are one of them, you are blessed. ❤
I stuffed my trauma all my life until I couldn't stuff it any longer. When I lost my Health, my job, and my Son it was too much. Since his death, I feel I have been on a journey l haven't always wanted be on. There are not many places to get help dealing with all of it.
I have no idea how to resolve or cope with my trauma. I experienced it more as an adult though. For a long time I’ve been in denial that I even experienced trauma and since I’m still dealing with it I have no idea how to start healing from it. I mask it really well to the point that I’ve even convinced myself that everything I’ve gone through “wasn’t that bad.”
Yeah, same here.
I and many others are so endlessly grateful for your work. Since learning more about dysregulation and trauma, I have been able to hold so much more compassion for my parents' experience and my own experience. Your videos have helped me to recognize that I can honor my own pain while also recognizing that my parents are not to blame, but rather to understand and hold accountable for change and growth. Please do not doubt the impact you have online, you are reaching people that really really need to hear about these topics. I'm so grateful to be learning about this in my early 20s rather that later in life; you are helping not only people like my parents but also young people who are living in dysfunction. Learning about it while living it has allowed me to grow so much in forgiveness toward myself and my parents. Thank you thank you thank you.
Lots of respect for your deep insight and awareness at your young age!
I wish you healing and maybe you also can help your parents on that journey. Like you said - and I could be your mum - we all got our package on our shoulders and it’s only through the internet that I became aware of my own maladaptive actions and reaction to my kids.
I think growing up with parents who were after war kids (mine) has got many times unnoticed challenges. It falls under generational passed down trauma - if your interested Dr Gabor Mate has got some good talks on that topic!
Be well!
Thank you this explains exactly what I feel too. And thank you dr Sage
Fantastic video! Such similar stories. I have 3 boys and 1 daughter and she has health challenges, I’ve moved countries to live in Canada (where ex is from and I still currently live) and we moved houses and had more kids and kept distracting myself. I tried to keep everyone happy and safe because then I could be happy and safe. He was a malignant narcissist and the “fixer/rescuer” in me tried to heal him and help him. Codependent I now realize and very VERY naive to not only my believe that I could fix/save, but naive to the ways of the world. It’s horribly disheartening not to mention frightening to know we live in a world of narcs and psychopaths that walk freely amongst, most often disguised to look just like us. I love your honest and vulnerable content - from one Kim to another. Much thanks ❤ your content in particular is helping me greatly. Loved your previous ASD/ADHD video too that connected dots between mental health outcomes and abuse. I’d love to see a study on outcomes of infants born to mothers that were subjected to ongoing emotional and psychological abuse during their maternity period. THIS STUDY NEEDS TO BE DONE!
Yes, always fearful, expecting the other shoe to drop.
Still in my trauma bond with my 90 year old mother.
And that unfulfilled desire to have a husband to completely take care of me; someone who had a ton of baggage, baggage different from mine.
Wow you nailed me, naive, not stupid, just stupidly trusting and ignoring red flags.
This completely resonated with me!🤗🤗🤗
Yes I feel I have been a child my whole life ! Very naive. I just couldn’t see that people could be that mean especially my mother. Honestly I believe it’s because I couldn’t even imagine being that way myself.
It really hurts now to make myself see the ugly truth in others.
I hate seeing it. It makes me feel awful. I can’t understand these selfish evil hearts.
Now I truly see my mother and the word that keeps coming up is evil. I know that sounds harsh but I have written down everything and it is appalling
I often say, “ To be a child again” so I can pretend my family loves me and everything’s ok.
I had quite the imagination as a child and honestly still do. I escape this way because reality is so ugly.
For the first time I finally understand why people drink or take drugs/ these kids must see reality with their situation.
I never used alcohol or drugs to escape though. Thankful for my vivid imagination.
Some of us must react by not growing up. I think our trauma must have begun very early which would explain our inability to see the abuse. It took me a long time to realize that people were mean. I just couldn't accept it, especially in my mother and brother. Like you, I did not do drugs or alcohol. I have wondered why that is so as I hear traumatized people often need a way to numb.
Oh my gosh. I could have written this word for word!
Exactly the same experience and same feelings. I'm blown away.
My mother I also evil and facing the reality crushed me, I really loved her as a child.
I'm 47 and I'm actually regressing mentally.
I spent most of my life trying to figure out or remember what terrible thing I must have done to have been treated the way I was treated until it suddenly occurred to me at the age of 46 that maybe the reason I couldn’t remember was that there wasn’t anything. I realised that a child under the age of 3 is actually not capable of doing anything so heinous to warrant being treated that way.
@@tracik1277check out dissociation/derealisation. It’s the body’s protection mechanism when encountering extreme stress/ trauma. Both in adults and children.
OMG I just realized how foolish and childish I have been. Also not being able to express myself. We all carry so much baggage. I wonder if that is why this world is so anxiety stricken.
It's like we grew up in the same house. I relate to so much of this
Dr. Kim this video has been such a comfort to me. I’ve been in these exact places and have felt so much shame. Thank you for showing up, being real, and having so much compassion.
When it is safe to see your caregivers for what they are - you will. Until that time you will need to persuade yourself of an alternate reality just to survive.
This is like chicken soup for my soul. I grew up in narcissistic patterns with my parents, then my husband who I am leaving. No one understands my situation, not even me sometimes. I am learning to put together the pieces to make sense of how I got here and it is comforting to hear from someone else who has taken that journey ❤
My father was an abusive alcoholic and wasn’t around. My mother had a longtime boyfriend who also, was an abusive alcoholic. My mother ended up dying on the 4th of July when I was 11yo. I don’t feel sorry for myself by any stretch of the imagination… but definitely know that I have certain carryovers that have affected my life. I had never heard of CPTSD until I found your channel. Interesting stuff.
You would be very justified to feel sorrow and sadness over what you've been through. You did nothing to deserve any of it ... please show yourself mercy. You have been abused so you have tender spots. Big hug!
What you described as being naive and child like into your forties..... sounds exactly what I have perceived to be autistic innocence.....a pureness of heart. A beautiful gift and a double edged sword.
This is what happened to me the last few years, masks ripped off, so many changes, super difficult but yes learning to regulate self care speak up for myself advocate etc…thank you ❤
How cool being Dr.Sage’s children would be! Imagine coming in the house from playing and the person in the kitchen who’s made you sandwiches for lunch is Dr.Sage; an embodiment of depth and love.
Thank you so much for your videos. I am 70 yrs old and I have been learning and healing for years from trauma and abuse. I am learning new insights from you and they are so important.
Again… this is an amazing and candid authentic telling of your story and your journey. Bullseye on how we mask and re-create energetically those wounds, those emotions , those voids, such as loneliness in our adult relationships. These videos are so valuable as I think about them for days and have those revelatory moments when O say, “me too”. Thank you for your transparency
3:42 this and cognitive dissonance. As i continue to heal, it is crazy how many things i overlooked and now revisiting and calling the situation what it really was so i can move forward.
Dr. Kim - I have been viewing your videos since you first started out and I have to tell you, the more you put yourself in your videos, the better and better they get. Because it is your authentic self that resonates with so many who walk this same path. There are some differences in every story of course, but there is so much commonality and you put into words what I know but have never put to words. Thank you so much for the way you have developed in these videos and you speak to and help so many.
You must be speaking to me I swear this is a ringing a huge bill I'm 46 and just found out all my life I've been this way because of things that happened in my childhood
Yep. I know VERY smart people who are blinded like this. They are so blibded...they cannot see it even in others.
If there is anything in this life I regret it is the fact that your channel is needed, and that there is to many of us on it!
You are so right. I see things so innocently. I saw the good in people and it was all wrong.
I had hyper vigilance too. You are so spot on!
Eye opening. Thank you. It's a struggle to try & figure these topics out. I appreciate your videos & content. Very helpful.
Story of my life in 27 year marriage narcissism control and trauma bond with him and then my Mum. Still working on myself 15 years later. However thank you for the comfort and honesty. We were groomed to be caretakers we were parentified and hyper vigilant! Rescuing and caretaking others was survival mode. You are amazing we are survivors and can thrive. Just got to calm nervous system and rewire the brain xxxxxMasks were survival xxx
Thank you so much for sharing! I am struggling with forgiving myself for staying stuck and in trauma bond with my family until my 40s and THEN getting stuck with an unhealthy therapist. Knowing this happens to others (to YOU) gives me new perspective. I have a bit more room for self-compassion.
We are the same person 🤯 Very insightful. Went 45 years of my life being unaware. Took me 3 yrs to start to get this stuff. It’s very freeing. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
Wow! Can I ever relate to that - rose-colored glasses and denial and desparation. At 59 I am waking up to so MUCH that I didn't want to see. It was too hard to digest. 😢🙏💋
Growing up I never felt I didn't deserve what I wasn't getting from my family of origin. I knew they weren't the ones to meet my needs. Their lack of self, and other awareness was ridiculous. Knowing all of that from a very early age was very frustrating, and I would pray for a family who could see me, acknowledge me, appreciate me, and love me because I ALWAYS knew who I was, and what I had to give. The trick is in finding those who those things matter as much as it matters to you.
Thank you so much for this video, I am in no contact 3rd year, I feel like I’ve woken up from a cult or something and I turn 48 tomorrow... it’s so weird. Your vid is awesome, thank you 🎉
Dr. Kim...it's good to see you again. I so appreciate all that you share. Imagine just learning about all that you discuss at the age of 71. It's been a long time coming to understand why our lives took the twists and turns they did. Just know it's never too late to begin understanding about CPTSD and how it affects you. Once again, thank you for sharing ❤️
I'm 63 and just beginning to realize...better late than never!
Stumbled across your video…
You’ve just described my childhood! I’ve healed lot but could always use the extra help. It also took me into my older age to figure out who I am and what life I deserve as well and learn to truly love myself! Wish
I had the learned the lessons sooner….. but… better late than never. I am much happier now putting myself first I’m still highly empathic, but have developed strong boundaries with takers and am loving my life now thank you so much and God bless.❣️❣️🙏🏼🙏🏼
I could never see what my mother was or how she treated me until the last year of her life...I just always thought it was my fault with our relationship...never realizing she didn't want on a relationship with me.💔😢
The culture we live in plays a role as well in how we grow up, not only our parents.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! every single explanation, every trauma you have explain was and is me. There is so much of me I have kept and still do inside because I did not see the importance of it. I am 59 and I know I have grown a lot since I was 40 (when I started to change my mind set and I knew there was more of me) but I still have a lot more ME work to do. I longed for a partner but I do know now is not the time. I have more of me to bring out, see, understand, heal and put to rest. Annoth
Wow, what a great teacher! I am so impressed! my own path is so similar, in that I was on the verge of my 60th birthday, and yes, with a master's degree in Psychology that I got in my mid twenties, when I first realized that what had happened, in my infancy, my childhood, my adolescence and adulthood, we're all part of a pattern that had been established very early and continued, and were mimicked by other people in my life, namely my colleagues, best friends, spouses, and clients.
After CBT, a great psychologist who was a big help, and a psychiatrist who saw what I really needed and accept, I see now that the mask was emerging. The mask revealed even more (in retrospect) when my GP slumped back in his chair and said 'you're too tired to fight anymore.' He stopped seeing me as my MD. Was a relief because he would rest the back of his J""K on my forearm when he took my BP. It was like a rear view mirror into my past and abused adolescence. Now watching your session today, oh yeah... Thank you for being so candid. Very scary.
Sister, yes, same to all of it. felt the same way and did the same things. I also wish I'd found information sooner. I wish that everyone knew this stuff & that It could have been explained to me for what it was. After I started really understanding in feb, I became voracious in my appetite for information and I still learn several new things everyday . I don't know what I don't know yet . I had to do something with all of my energy and grief and anger and frustration. I didn't want anyone to go through what I have gone through and not understand it for as long as it took me. I started trying to compile notes and videos and recordings and made a logo and an account. Also wanted it to be my voice, my story, in case I didn't survive to tell it later.
I think gaslighted repeatedly as a kid to NOT SEE or correctly understand the less obvious abuse dynamics puts blinders on us. Plus we never received any validation. Heck, was told in June i wasnt abused. In the February something finally clicked in busted loose a giant Boulder of a mind block. And then all these old memories started flooding in and I relived them as if I were there. They were all lined up in a queue waiting for the day I could finally understand & process them for what they really were.
But as a child i became a perfectionist and hyper-vigilant, parentified, made justifications for the crappy treatment & allowances & took a lot of blame and shame on myself knowing that I can't control anybody, I had no power and I had no voice, but at least if I do things right maybe then things will get better. They didn't. At about 14 I was a nervous wreck and exhausted in tired of living in fear so I made a conscious decision to try to live my life for me. That didn't go over so well and the private scapegoat became the public scapegoat and then accused of being an uncontrollable child and on drugs and alcohol and crazy and satanic in the mid-80s so it was a Citywide smear campaign and I was sent away multiple times. I think the main reason was because Dad was afraid he would kill me and that would mess up his life so he used me and ruined my life.
Once I got away, I sacrificed my needs in all my adult relationships because I knew I was somehow better equipped to pick up the pieces later and bounce back then, friendships, interactions with customers. The things most people needed help with were things I would never bother anyone to even listen to. One reason I don't ask for help is because I am made to feel very small and often kicked when down, when I am most vulnerable or in need. I've been criticized for not being able to take help. That perplexed me because I try to be very accommodating in every way. I simply didn't want to put them out if I could do it myself. If I do get help from someone, I make sure to pay it back immediately tenfold because it makes me very uncomfortable owing anybody anything because I don't want it used against me or guilted for it, especially since I had no boundaries and didn't know how to say no to anyone. I never argued in adult relationships because anger scared me and was not a safe thing in my home as well because anger was rage and it was hurtful painful and I know was full of homicidal thoughts and Desires in my dad's head. So I had a hard time being truly intimate and trusting anybody. I tried to be perfect and accommodating like how I knew my family home required. I think that I also chose people who were not going to push me too hard, I mean emotionally shallow. I think that this is why I prefer to be alone because there was a lot of pressure being in a relationship and I would fret all day about what my excuse would be for not wanting to make love that night because I didn't want to hurt their feelings and it wasn't about them I just was not healthy enough to be able to have positive feelings about having sex. I didn't trust their intentions or sick thoughts I assumed were probably in their head. As I'm writing this I am realizing it for the first time. And I think that all of the penthouse and Hustler magazines I was exposed to you from as far back as I can remember, that clearly demeaned women... twisted my beliefs of what all men desire. maybe it didn't I really don't know.
I'm in hiding now as my life has been threatened and he's tried setting me up with the cops and now I've lost my business of 22 years and my home and all of my finances.
I have a mother with BPD and that has shaped my whole life. Currently, I am in trauma therapy and it is revealing and confronting. It's like I am lifting a veil or opening a curtain, to start seeing things clearer how they are. Talking then about myself and my relationship with and towards my parents. They are old now and both are still alive. My experience is even when they get older it does not change. Everything changes, in every contact with anyone in my life, I notice when I change that changes too, boundaries got respected etc, but with my parents (both father and mother) nothing changes. Never. It's just the same old story again every time in a different version. They live in a nursing home now and at least a lot of the issue and problems where I felt responsible for in the past (who else is going to do it that feeling) I can throw over the fence now. The home will take care if it and if not, then they don't not my problem. All my mother's complaining about the food there, or the laundry or this or that I can easily pass, one ear in another ear out, not my problem anymore. Yet the parts that are not covered by the home and where is no other solution, like hospital visits, get me by the throat. That old feeling of that impossible, and I am the solution, and having to do it. She recently had a breast removed due to breast cancer. And my sister and I went several times with her to the hospital. I did set boundaries, and they got respected now, well at least better than in the past and she keeps on saying how much appreciates it that my sister and I go with her, but even then I think of shut up stupid woman I am not interested in your appreciation I do because there is no other solution. Just shut up, but I stay nice and friendly. And to be honest, at the moment I don't know what to do. I am considering the option of cutting off all contact (again) which probably means I will never see them again, they are old and struggle with health issues. Also not ideal. Or stay in touch and be honest, blunt and rude. I notice especially being blunt and rude works rather well with a borderliner. Better than showing understanding and all that stuff. Today I had one of those off days again, totally frozen and doing anything, but in the end the only answer I can come up with is keeping on focusing on my own things, even when I feel down and depressed, otherwise I am also letting myself down. And maybe finding more support besides my trauma therapy for myself in dealing with these issues.
I also did the hospital run lately, my guides said "driving miss daisy" So I did and it worked out surprisingly well.
@@ritahemmerly4224 what do you mean with your guides?
Spirit guides, higher power, intuition, they are around each of us when we learn to listen. Some say gut instinct. If I can distance myself be indifferent, act as a uncaring servant then what she does is not my problem. Some people see it as grey rock. It worked so well she actually got in the back seat without knowing it. So "driving miss daisy.@@bodytellthestory
Oh my goodness you are making so much sense of my childhood and who I am as an adult.
Nice to see you so honest and reflective. Normally I do not even talk to psychologists. But you seem to become sort of human. We are living in a time of change and old stories pop up often 🥰
Spent the last 15 years facing that dark reality you described. I have Tourettes Syndrome, and was completely abandoned by my family. I wore a mask for decades just so I could try and fit in. 😢However, when you face reality, and come out of that 'trance' as you said in your video, that is when the real challenge begins. The transition period from being the child to being yourself is extremely difficult. Having Tourette's is no fun, I'm learning for the first time how intolerant people around me can be, and it leads to conflict pretty much every single day.
i understand what you’re saying completely w being naïve and not seeing the truth of things almost naturally. it’s painful but it makes you act quicker and sucks that we have blinders on in certain respects
So much of what you're saying resonates with me. Its hard to even realize we're masking, until we simply cannot go on with the emotional drain. Learning to acknowledge and express my anger at my parents, WITHOUT JUDGING (thats what they taught us, to not access our emotions), was a real break-thru. Patrick Teahan and chair work was really helpful. I was trying to heal the past by recreating it in the here and now. Impossible. I have rediscovered me. Acknowledging my internal voice is the most important thing. Thank you Dr Kim.
Amazing video, thank you. I'm coming out of the same "trance" it's shocking what I didn't see but liberating too and I'm so grateful to be healing ❤
Spent the last decade in straight-up Survival Mode but barely noticed since my childhood was so traumatic.
My parents divorced when I was 3.
My Dad was never in my life in any minor or meaningful way.
Every single thing you mentioned I live through. Your honesty and transparency really has helped me feel seen.
Thank you so much.
With love and admiration from Bermuda
The part about Wanting to be taken care of is soooo true. Sigh.
This is my story as well. Thank you for your honesty, this video has been incredibly helpful.
We had such similar upbringings and adult life. Today, you totally helped me turn a corner I knew but couldn’t articulate it to myself. Thank you!
What I find so lovely about you and your super valuable videos is that you make sure everyone knows you have been through it, you’re not just spouting academics. That alone makes healing happen more expedited. Thank you for your COURAGE to be real.
Ugh. This really resonates with me but how do I fix it because it sucks to live like this?
Thank you for your vulnerability. I am the lawyer version of you and related to all the distractions that were in my life. I never thought of it as trauma masking. And like you, my role as a mom was the area where I could feel good. I had a narcissistic mother, grew up in a doomsday cult, and felt like I'd overcome all of that by getting my law degree, marrying the 'perfect' guy (who ended up being a functional alcoholic) and struggled as a single mom. It's uplifting and affirming to hear other women with similar stories. Thank you again. So appreciative of the community that you're building.
And I am completely opposite in that I figure everyone is doing the bad things - always. And thus... my Fearful Avoidant Relationship Attachment Style. I believe everyone is lying constantly and has nefarious intentions whenever they are dealing or interacting with me, and I believe and trust - basically - no one.
And here I was thinking I was the only one who was completely messed up
This was very helpful as I have been stressed this week. Trying to avoid past patterns and forge new habits.
Dr. Sage, you are doing so well with content! Thank you for your generosity ! Also, I am so grateful for your honesty. This space feels safe and insanely reflective of my own upbringing and current stages of self reflection, awakening and healing 🪭
Powerful!💗
Thank you for this video!
Even though its not what I wanted to hear today, its what I needed to hear. I'm in a relationship that isn't going well in which I'm doing the things you described in this video. It's time for change.
Excellent content. Tyvm
Great video! Thank you!
I am forever grateful for your content ❤ I hope I am not beyond hope at 65. I have done lots of work over the years but still seeing layers revealed! Sometimes it is just plain exhausting 😴 THANK YOU!
At nearly 65 I’m afraid it’s too late for me to find significant healing. I wish you the best in your healing journey.
Thank you Kim ❤ enjoy the concert 🥰
Thank you Kim 🙏🏻🥰
Enjoy the concert! Thank you for this 👍🏻
Excellent. Such insight.
Thank you! I can see clearly now the mask is going… 🎶
Thank you💜
Very relatable, thank you ❤
OMG - this is right on, for me! Thank you!
Awesome video as ussual thanks
I appreciate you! 😊
Thank you, this is so helpful
I relate to so much of what you said and appreciate the insights!
Thank you, Kim. How I can relate
So needed to hear this. Very comforting. Thank you.
Can’t wait for Part 2
Have fun at the concert and thank you for the new upload. I always click your videos so fast❤️
Crying 😢 TYSM ❤
Wonderful video, so well explained!
So well done. Thank you for all your help. ❤❤❤