HOW TO HEAL ABANDONMENT FEARS BY CHANGING THESE 10 COMPULSIVE RESPONSES
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 25 เม.ย. 2023
- This video explores our fears of abandonment as they may have developed in childhood, and describes 10 compulsive responses we often engage in to deal with our deep abandonment fears and issues, and what you can do to start working on healing your CPTSD related abandonment wounds.
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(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)
CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**
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My fear of abandonment makes me plan my escape if I feel any slight rejection/withdrawal from my partner. So painful and confusing
Me too
My brain doesn’t allow me to plan. I’m out like a girl scout
Omgosh ladies yes I do that too. Thank you, you have just really helped me x
I'm the same :(
@@juliascorey999 Omg let's do it. My friends don't understand. I asked one how to not push away a good man & she said "if he's good then why would you push him away" 😂
It feels so cruel that the ones severely neglected in childhood have the hardest time finding secure love as adults 😢
Yes.. it seems to be a "theme" for the life. Everybody having their own "theme/trauma" ... Until next life I guess 😢😅
so we get the chance to make the best of it
i have to learn & understand alot
i will be able to make things better
& understand
you have this chance too
i feel you, i can feel the same , i dont want to be a victim
wishing you the best🙃
@@JBoek30 thank you ☺️
Yes, we are more resilient, understanding, sensitive, grateful and appreciative of the good people in our life. Wishing you all the best too ☺️
Yes, we have to make a lot of time for the healing journey it seems. ♥️🤲 I think we will all get there eventually. Be kind to yourself where others can’t be. I have learned this for myself over the years and it helps. Wishing you lots of goodness in the world. 🌠
Tragic beyond words
"you didnt choose that childhood, its not your fault" Powerful, thank you
This is a hard sell to our partners though, especially if they have the Anxious Attachment. They think we act the way we do on purpose because they cannot even imagine pulling away or self-regulating. Knowledge is power though.
@@EsseQuamVideriSe7en knowledge is not always power...no matter how much one believes...very few will change and the more intelligent one is the less they will change
this was the point of good will hunting....the movie
Seems like common sense. How does this help?
@@jadezee6316 Carl Jung "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate." I believe this. Because, before now, I had no idea why I would pull away from someone I know I love and want to be with for the rest of my life. Knowing has made a world of difference. Your statement seems to come from your own experiences. Doesn't mean you're right. Doesn't mean you're wrong either. I plan to be one who changes no matter how left-brained I am.
What breaks my heart is seeing that this video has thousands of views. Whoever is out there needing to watch this, deserves a medal, you have survived, you still have the strength to reach out for help. Whoever you are, I love you, you're worthy of LOVE you were worthy of it since you were born, you don't have to do anything to deserve it. Keep going, keep the faith, you'll get there eventually, you will be happy and you will embrace and enjoy the love and bliss you so rightfully deserve. I love you❤😘
I needed this. Thank you.
@@asiaamaya1124 I meant every word. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. I'm sending you lots of love💕😘😘😘🤗🌼go out and claim what's yours!
Thank you! You made me cry in a good way!
@@shannonmc7090 I hope you believe it. I know the struggle, I know how hard it is to really believe you deserve to be loved and be happy, but you have to train your brain and heart and fight them if they tell you otherwise. Be ok with receiving love, even when you feel uncomfortable because you're not used to it. Tell yourself it's ok, you'll get used to it and receiving will become something natural. Bless you, go out there and claim what's rightfully yours💚🤗💕🌼☀️☀️
Wow thank you, Gods love note for me today!! Thank you 🥹, perfect note made my heart smile
_I just turned 40 and realized I suffer from abandonment issues. And I lose it completely when anyone tries to leave. Working on this. Praying for us all._
no way you’re 40 u look like late 20s maybe 😮
I am 41 and same. We can do this. This isn’t easy
Glad I got to know these issues when I am still 20 lol
Same..
@@ananichi _Update: I’m doing much better now that I’ve been working on it. It’s easier to just let this person (and anyone else who disturbs my peace) go. Feeling like myself again. Hope you are too._
I get very attached to people and don’t want them to leave and if they do I believe it’s my fault. I always say “well if I were better, smaller, prettier, etc., they would stay” and it’s a vicious cycle.
Total opposite with me. I don't attach easily because I don't trust anyone. I have one foot out the door. I only rely on myself and I know my own power and worth but find other people bring no real value to the table of a balanced relationship.
It is your fault
Please don't let this tim person troll you. It's not your fault
I daydreamed my life away. Started as a child and still do. Diagnosed with ADHD at 49. Made perfect sense.
This comment was the realization I have ADHD. There are other symptoms, so I have always wondered but now I think this confirms it lol.
@@ava-km5qk Watch Dr. K's videos on youtube. Ton's of ADHD talks that are very down to earth.
My fear of abandonment has been so intense that I have avoided all romantic situations for the fear of losing them. I really appreciate you sharing this video as I have recently decided to break that pattern.
Same here 😢
I lost my dad in the war I was very very attached to him I’m 30 and don’t talk to men don’t date cause I know I will the extreme clinger cause I’m scared they will leave me by choice or illness or death I just can’t it’s so scaryyyy I have to be attach to my partner and I know that’s unhealthy and no one wants that
I’m also struggling with this, but I’m actually trying to not be ashamed of it anymore and instead telling my partner how’ I need and what I have to have to feel safe and loved and hopefully the right one will stay❤
I'm proud of you for wanting to break that pattern. That in itself is a huge step! I'm trying to do the same.
I give up. It's Soo stupid. You have to be attached to someone and have a healthy relationship to be a healthy human being.... Blah fucking blah...
People literally don't do anything for you! As long as you have a brain and all your limbs, you should be self sufficient for the most part. I don't get this whole needing other people bull shit. People are nothing but a drain on me. Especially a romantic relationship with a needy female I have to care for.. who just wants physical attention and a bill payer. My "emotional tank" is for me and me alone! It's how I cope with this screwed up society. Protecting what's mine and not giving in to people's useless social expectations!
Anyways... I don't get why people are so damn needy all the time. Just leave me the hell alone!😂😂😂
Society is full of weak ass, LAZY pussies too scared to live life independent. Too dumb and ignorant to learn anything to expand their horizons. Just hoping someone else will come along and fix everything for them and be happy ever after....
Grow up you stupid needy people. Learn to be alone.
LEARN THINGS!!!!
Wow i cried when you said: if I'm being perfect I won't be left alone this time. This is exactly what i think every time with everyone and it consumes me because i know i can't ever reach perfection. 😢
Same 😢
You are perfect exactly the way you are. No one should tell you any different. ❤
I think my perfectionism is not trying to please others but I am trying to be perfect for myself because there is no one having my back and I have to be everything for myself.
Im so ready to grow out of this fear of rejection and abandonment. It bleeds into my life in ways that do not serve me anymore.
I hear that
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Compulsive shame
Compulsive Care Taking
Compulsive Self Reliance
Compulsive Perfectionism
Compulsive relationships
Compulsive maladaptive daydreaming
Compulsive distrust
Compulsive dysregulation
Compulsive Hypervigilance
Thank you
+ compulsive numbing :)
@@julia2259 I am really good at that one!
Def have the first 5..and don’t know where it came from?? Kind of wonder if it’s from school rather than family? Not sure..
I have MAJOR trust issues. Trauma from having my mother leave at the age of 6; growing up way too fast did that to me. As an adult and knowing what she did is beyond wrong... I will never do that to my baby girl; I couldn't ever imagine leaving her behind.
I did so many years of healing on myself and then got into a relationship that was the most unsafe and toxic ever. At this point I don’t even want to heal anymore, I just want to stay away from all people and not share myself with the world. I am so consumed with shame and self hatred that I don’t want anyone to see me.
I have the same feelings
Going though the same feelings right now
So sorry to hear that. I wish you all the best and courage to trust once again that there is hope
I know the feelings too well. And I'm sorry you did so much work, and felt like it was for nothing.
But if I may share a perspective (and believe me, it's coming from someone literally crying from this video, loneliness and pain), your work was not for nothing. When we enter a relationship with a toxic person (without knowing of course), it's a "slap" to see if our healing stays with us. Like, we get to train our healing muscles. And every time we see the red flags much quicker, or know how to ask the most revealing questions, and how fast we can bounce back to our path. You're meant to heal from this, I believe you can. Because I have to believe that I can.
i thought i healed as well and was doing amazing...then i entered a new relationship and it was going so well, but after a year i slipped into old patterns and it’s been awful mentally for me, so i feel you
Being adopted is my trigger…. If the 2 people who are supposed to love and protect you more than anyone in this world can walk away from you anyone can 😢
But that's because of them, not you. You were worth life or your soul wouldn't have been chosen to come to life 🙏😌❤️
We can also choose to change the filters /narrative of how we view the situation. Instead of I was abandoned by those 2 people, how about "Out of all the children up for adoption, they CHOSE me! They really wanted ME. That means they saw something good in me. It means I'm lovable and it means they thought I was worth going through all the long, drawn-out approval process to get me."
Had an abusive father and alcoholic mother... found weight lifting, pilates and martial arts training helped me in many ways...
Great work!
I cried the whole way through, that was my life and I'm still suffering at 51 😢
I’m 51 and feel the same as you
Have you talked to a therapist about it? I want to, but I haven't found a therapist that I connect with. 😔
❤
The pain of abandonment and rejection destroys me like nothing else.
Can always rebuild
Yes. I've been single pretty much my entire life through fear of abandonment and not being enough. I would only ever entertain a relationship if I was 100% in love with that person but when I do feel 100% attracted to someone I get extremely dysregulated and avoid them like the plague. Ahh..the Joy's of a traumatic childhood. I am very spiritual, no doubt because of my trauma filled childhood, and I know I am already whole and perfect. I'm trying my best to be my true essence of love, peace and joy and connect with my consciousness. I wish everyone peace, love and joy.
Sorry to hear this. Something that might help are subliminal videos alongside ones like this. Vortex Success do one, for example, for childhood trauma.
I hope you find true love and happiness. I know how you feel.....
I understand. I feel more regulated alone because of my trauma. Usually if I like someone I just stay in the friendship zone to analyze their behavior over time and because for them there isnt anything to gain.. or affect their behavior in front of me. Then I feel I can trust who Im really coming together with. Ive been single for a while because I don’t seek relationships out.. they dont feel good to me when they do happen… and they feel emotionally disruptive. It doesn’t help Im picky. 😶
It’s good that you have standards just try truly, to keep your expectations realistic. Ask others or just one other what they believe is realistic, somebody you trust. Or perhaps therapy for a guideline. You’ll be surprised If you follow the yellow brick road your answer…. It will feel right and good when you meet that person who is willing to love you where you’re at until you’re ready to love yourself. ❤remember no one is perfect. Only God! Listen to (Him or Her)
100% relate with you :(
"You had no safe space to develop yourself" really resonates for me and how that impacts me now struggling to develop my artistic self. Thankyou Dr Kim ❤
I really relate to your your comment. When I’m fully immersed in my creativity, I feel like I’m abandoning someone or being irresponsible. My mind knows that’s not true, but my nervous system sends me those signals. I can remind myself this is something to heal❤️
Stop abandoning yourself is beautiful. You're a godsend, thank you;
I had both parents leave my life early on. Now hard to make friends and isolate myself. My animals are my life. It's very lonely. Ever time I try though a narcissist destroys me.
They cant destroy you they will always lose cos they have mentally disability
Thank you for this video❣️You have taught me at least two new things. 1. That I abandoned myself for most of my 70 years. 2. That I have a very hard time just “being” instead of “doing”. The main problem for me now is that I am learning all of these things in my retirement years when both the physical and mental body are on the decline. I don’t think I will EVER feel that I will NOT be abandoned. It has happened many times already. Once by my birth mother, once by my adoptive mother, and once by my daughter. (I won’t count the men in my life) But if I can help it, I will never again abandon myself.
Catherine, I am sorry you are hurting. You did not deserve what happened. Please love yourself. Please
Powerful.❤ I know you said you're 70 and wearing down BUT, you could maybe live to be 90, so to think you could have another 2 decades left to never abandon yourself again is an encouragement of bravery for us under 70. It's always worth it to change and grow to give ourselves the love and presence we've always needed.
@@nancybartley4610 Thank you❣️Every little thing I learn helps me change and helps me feel better about myself🙂
@@AyleseW I am a fanatic for learning and growing and will probably not stop doing that while I have life.
Thank you Cathrine for sharing your experience and learned wisdom. I hope you give yourself lots of love. You deserve it.
What if the fear is not only the fear? What if we keep experiencing rejection from people over and over again?
Yes! This! I get this treatment from my partner. So I guess in essence it's my fault because I keep allowing them to do it...its like creating your own prison.
Good luck and God bless!
When we reject ourselves…it makes sense that others will reject us too. We fix it from our end
Self fulfilling prophecy’s
please don’t listen to these law of attraction people! it’s the same gaslighting gaslighters have always done, wrapped up in toxic positivity
‘you’re not in love w yourself & that’s why no-one can love you’ is cruel & simply not true- it’s not anyone’s lack of inner turbulence that makes them lovable, it’s how they handle themselves and show their dignity, their fairness, their good intentions & their accountability.
assuming you’re treating others well, the reason why so many people have failed you is that there are simply a lot pricks out there.
other people’s emotional shortcomings are not on you, they’re on them! learning to recognise this may allow you to choose yourself over toxic relationships & free up space for more meaningful, dependable connection. not everyone is a fair weather friend
“You teach people how to treat you,” this statement has helped me break toxic cycles bc ultimately I’m allowing it and ignoring red flags.
It’s a hard reality to face and a ton of grief is associated with understanding the reality of healing the inner child. May you all heal and find inner peace 🙏
Amen
Aameen Aameen Aameen
Amen
Time Stamps:
00:00 Intro
01:06 Self Abandonment
03:24 Compulsive shame
04:30 Compulsive Care Taking
05:49 Compulsive Self Reliance
6:33 Compulsive Numbing
07:09 Compulsive Perfectionism
08:18 Compulsive relationships
09:13 Compulsive dissociation/fantasy AKA maladaptive daydreaming
10:14 Compulsive distrust
11:52 Compulsive dysregulation
15:01 Compulsive Hypervigilance
15:48 Summary/Outro
Thank you
Thank you!
Nice thanks, I’m a note taker! Haha
Thank you!
6:36 compulsive numbing
I nearly wrote my life story on the avoidant attachment video but instead I’ll make a point that applies to all of them. I think Kim Sage’s videos are great. They can help individuals and increase easily-available knowledge and understanding. But there is a danger here too - of getting sucked in. Dont forget you need to live too. Every one of us gets challenges in life, thats just how life is. When you have healed as much as you can you find more healing to do - it goes on (and on and on ..). Everyone has to understand their pain and heal it and to meet the challenges life presents to them (except those who never discover inner pain - we have to live with the consequences of their Karma). But experiences dont disappear, they lose their energy, they drive us less but they remain as part of us and our learning. Dont forget to enjoy life too - when you are able to - dont miss it by focusing ONLY on your pain. Life is so short. For context I am a 70 year old male who spent most of his life fighting to overcome inner pain. Now I let it rest and enjoy what life brings. Each one of us has different challenges. Dont miss the wonderfully-rich experiences of life while figuring it out. And for those who are suffering greatly - here is a (((((((hug))))))) - know that some understand your pain. Thank you Kim Sage for the work you do to make life better for everyone.
Here is another 70 year old that applauds your post👏🏻 Right on❣️
Your onto it. I too battled everyday until one day I decided to give it up. My past is what it was, I can not change it, life is hard and once I accepted it for what it was, left it in the past were it belongs, I was able to work on repaying the damage, learnt how to live myself and with that came so much freedom, suddenly I didn’t care what others thought of me, it didn’t matter, as I know my own truth, I know I’m a good person, I know I have the ability to choose how I perceive life. I can either be resentful and in pain or I can live in the now and look for all the positives, I now choose to be grateful for all of the blessings that come into my life everyday and all of the wonderful things life has to offer. It doesn’t need to be all about suffering, yes we will all have times when we struggle, but we also have to accept it as part of life. :) through suffering comes growth. Look for the hood in everything. We all have the power and ability to change. We just need to want to. :) thank you for sharing your knowledge
@@KiwikimNZ Yes! In other words; don’t be bitter! Move on and enjoy the great moments when they come❣️
@josephfredbill as I read your words I cried at the virtual hug point, I guess I really needed that. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy life. I appreciate you. Sending you a virtual hug
@@catherinewilson1079 yes it’s the only way to that you will find happiness x
Where are these therapists IRL?? Cause mine never talks about these skills with me 😂
Find a trauma / Somatic Experiencing therapist.
Anxiety in the morning is common because that is when cortisol is at its highest. Try lemon balm tea
My girlfriend did this no matter how safe our time together was.
In fact the more safe it became, the more threatened she was and then fabricated issues to justify removing herself.
I do that
I am sorry.
It comes from deep wounds. I just want to cry when I see it.@@alexismartinez7092
My childhood trauma caused me so much fear of neglect and abandonment that I can’t even open myself up to anyone. I’ll be going on 27 without ever loving a woman. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve accepted that I’m just not able to open myself up. As a child I remember thinking I’m not gonna let anyone get close to me to “get back” and anyone that hurt me. Can’t believe it actually ended up that way
This video felt like you were speaking directly to my soul. I put on a facade, like I'm tuff and all this, but inside, I feel that little girl. In fear, anxious and always on guard about what's going on around her. I was vulnerable once, I was so desperate for friendships, I let other children/peers degrade, humiliate and eventually abandon me throughout my whole childhood and early teens. I'm afraid that if I let other people in, this pattern will start over and over again. My constant fear protected me, but also became my own cage. I can't form a bond. I take two steps back from anyone who tries to interact with me. They are automatically a threat. This made me and my surrounding believe, that I'm just extremely introverted. I was told that I'm a bad person, for not engaging with others. I would love to. But I just can't.
going through something similar that was highly exacerbated by lockdown. you're not alone we can learn & heal ❤
I know this feeling , hopefully one day it’ll be better for us all
I feel the same. But I try to let people in, finally they dissapear and leave me alone again and again. I 've decided not to trust them at all
I was feeling the same way throughout my whole entire life
Crying at work right now after watching this, it explains every fiber of my being and how I feel and act in everyday life. I was only 5 days old when I was adopted but that was the first abandonment I ever experienced.The strive for perfection after not being noticed or recognized by my parents, the 4.0 gpa, sports trophies, awards etc and nothing. Still not good enough to win them over and the kicker was my father attacking me and putting his hands around my neck and my mother telling me no one will ever marry me because I’m too hard to love. I’ve read that the pain sometimes never can truely go away or be felt with until the death of the parents but I don’t want to wait that long to heal, I still try to maintain some form of relationship with them.
Bless you!
God made you as you and loves you to bits and weeps for your hurts!
My heart bleeds for the neglect and rejection you were subjected to. Bravo, you made it through whole; it is your parents who lack basic human qualities. May you find the perfect partner to heal your emotional wounds. ❤
I think healing emotional wounds comes from inside ourselves, not from a partner.
My mother told me I was "cold". In reality, SHE was cold. Just remember that what comes out of someone's mouth is how they talk to/about themselves. Even if your mother was married, she clearly believed she shouldn't have been. Our parents pass down their own wounding to us. Its up to each of us the break these generational "curses". God blessed us with partners that trigger this wound in us so we will look at it and heal it. Once we're aware of it, we can choose to work with it instead of against it. It's OKAY to feel abandoned. Love the part of yourself that's afraid. Be there for yourself. Sending hugs ♡
DR. KIM SAGE: I was adopted and then abused as an infant in the orphanage. Then I was adopted by a fanatical Catholic couple who were always practicing the externals of their religion, but not the heart of the religion. My adoptive father was a rage-aholic, violent, and my adoptive mother was smothering and filled with a simmering hatred for other people while believing she was the only mother in the neighborhood going to heaven. I want to heal from the results of this childhood. I've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars seeing psychologists during the last 3 and a half decades. The best psychologists have not been able to help me even in spite of my going 3 times a week to therapy! I now have social phobia and have never been in a loving relationship. I want to know love before I die. I always choose dysfunctional women and reject the healthy women when it comes to relationships. Please do a video on adoption and a video on growing up in a cult or super religious home. Also, if you have any books on this subject, please let me know. Thanks.
I have a resistance when you say “a fear that people will leave me” because I’ve always been on the other side of things, I’ve never truly felt like I couldn’t live without people. It’s part of the way I deal with my trauma. I never get close to anyone. I feel like I’m incapable of it. It’s too easy for me to walk away from people and never look back. And therefore, I’ve never felt real love. I definitely relate when you say “people are not safe” though.
I have a fear that I may get to a place where I can love someone and then I’ll finally feel that fear of abandonment, and then I’ll have to work through different shit I’ve never felt before. 😔
Find that someone who loves you just as you are and will work through that stuff with you. Let yourself love and be loved and rest into being whole.
I feel the same thing as you described here, but when I told my friend who is a psychiatrist about it she told me that I have this “abandonment trauma” and my behavior is a “defense mechanism”. That’s why I’m watching this video to learn more about it.
Reindeer are better than people
No seriously I can see why Christof felt that way.
if it wasn't for the trolls, he'd have no one until Anna showed up.
I really appreciate the ending - somewhere around 15:52. I felt so moved by your words that I listened to that part a few times over. I wrote down a few key points and put it in the first person:
I did the best I could.
I survived (!).
I protected myself (at the cost of being myself...I did not have the luxury of feeling safe).
I'm not going to abandon myself or give up on myself anymore.
It was never my fault. I didn't choose my childhood (and I didn't choose my parents).
I can learn to love and support myself.
I deserve to be here!
I did too 🥺 this part is so validating and healing
Soo healing! Loved this part
I did exactly the same! These words were so healing ❤️🩹
Powerful… thanks for commenting the affirmations
I didn’t watch yet. Read the titles of the chapters and immediately broke. I’m not ready. But I will be.
Healing and self-development is so painful. It makes me wish I never started. Wish I never woke up.
It’s the pain of being asleep and walking the earth in trauma vs the pain of waking up and healing the trauma. Both pain. I have to find and create the light.
Take care. You will find light. Trust to your inner voice.
I just learned that I keep everyone at arms length and why. I never realty let anyone in but my animals. Thank you Dr. Kim. This is very helpful. ❤
I’ve seen 3 specialists and none has identified abandonment as an issue! Literally EVERYTHING you said applies and i can relate to it!!
Thank you for help me identifying my issue ❤
Unfortunately core wounds are not something that is taught in programs which is such an oversight on their part. I had to learn so much of what I do in my practice, on my own. I kinda want a refund.
@@tdeniseechols7434 lol that’s a valid request
Hope you always feel good and find ways to uplift your self during the hard times ❤️
@@tdeniseechols7434😂😂😂😂
Dr. Sage, as a man at 54 years old and recently realizing that the way I feel, the way I interact, and the way I trust and befriend people is not typical- not at all, I set out to find out what is wrong. Through a recent amicable divorce, my kids growing up, and no-longer needing to be in the service of others with a lot of free time, I realized I have a very weak sense of self. When I came across your video, I had been struggling for months now as to how to finally build my individuality with confidence, patience, and trust in myself. I still worried about the underlying causes and my compulsive negative behaviors I had isolated as "not normal" and "self-afflicted." When I saw this video, you checked off EVERY box about me. In one random viewing I now know exactly what afflicts me. So with this empowering clarity and knowledge I am going to go forward and learn to mitigate all of my lifelong compulsive responses so I can finally begin to be the person I have been missing my whole life. Thank you! ❤
Well done on sharing your insight with us - I am 30 years old but your message hit me like a train. In looking for the flaws, abandonment and lack of control or obedience in others we are doomed to be alone, and resentfully alone. It is a sickness inverted inside out onto those around us that we love. The cure is gratefulness and looking at people holistically, rather than splitting them - and not anticipating abandonment just because someone was slightly out of tune with our expectations of them.
When I affirm I deserve to be here and take up space I just immediately start balling and sobbing 😢thank you Dr Kim for this video.
My self abandonment has caused problems to compound in life. As I heal and recognize the negative cycles bestowed upon my life from childhood, I realize that most of my decisions have come from a place of self abandonment. Once I realized this, the new process is learning to stay true to myself and trust myself and make decisions from that place, eff what anyone else thinks or needs if they are asking/expecting things that require me to self abandon at all.
I don't remember this but I was told when my mom dropped me off and left my dad took me to the park. I didn't talk much but I managed to sneak out 'youre not going to leave me?' to this day it makes me cry and I don't even remember it. I truly appreciate what you do for people like me. Thank you ☺️
Girl. If your daughter is texting “have you left yet?” it’s time to GO 😂. This video is spot on for me. Now go get your girl ❤
Lol I was pushing it! She tracks me like a detective 😂❤thank you for being here with me!!❤❤
Spot on. I searched for years of how abandonment effects me as an adult. I’m thankful to make these connections. Brings tears to my eyes to hear this about myself, but thank you ❤
Self abandonment!
WOW little did I knew?
What an amazing woman and I see myself in this self abandonment several days ago.
I have nothing fancy just a little confidence being so sweet I love the world and hope all present efforts are going well with people surviving the aftermath.
Where you said about being more afraid of abandoning ourselves than of being abandoned has really stuck with me. I now feel better about ending a lifelong relationship recently. I do not regret or take back what I said. In fact I'm kind of proud of myself in a way. When you piss someone off, you must stand for something. Cuz if you're just keeping quiet and people-pleasing, then you don't stand for anything. I must know something about who I am. : )
Sometimes it takes one video, where every word is just spot on to realize, how unhealthy and destructive your thought process has become, and to just keep going and improving. Thank you!
Exactly! I was bullied, friends turned against me so I don’t trust! Thanks I needed this:
Oh man… I feel like im a wreck: I’m all of these things…
Oh Jessi, I feel for you, please know there is always way out, I was a wreck 4 years ago and thanks to psychology but mainly friends and spirituality I am a very happy person now
The hyper-vigilance of dangers and then the shutdown have both defined my entire life, from very young childhood. This is wild. Such an enlightening video. I truly don’t know where to begin either. Therapy helps, yall! Wow- This video was eye (more like heart) opening.
Your compassion and honesty and care really comes across. I do appreciate your videos, I not only learn I feel better after watching.
I'm almost 50 and my longest relationship lasted two years. No other relationship has lasted more than 5 months. I never worked for a company for longer than 3 years. Since I became self-employed 13 years ago, I've reinvented myself about 5 times, always creating new businesses and companies. I've lived in 13 different cities in 4 different countries. My fear of abandonment is so big, that I run away from everything and everyone right before I become successful because I know that whatever it is, or whomever it is that I have, will abandon me at some point.
I discovered this reality of mine about 10 years ago, and I'm getting better.
This is a huge awaking for me . I do many of these without really thinking about it . I am writing these down to work on them . I'm really grateful to you for your work . Thank you so much !
Bingo , yes 🤦♀️
I had narcissistic , abusive parents , severely in every form … 🤦♀️
ruminating & still trying to process & make sense of my childhood / lonely solo life , I still feel the moments of my childhood pain , suffering & severe real fear 😰
never healed !
There was no way out of their control & abuse !
After many decades I can’t see anyway around it ,
I’ve tried everythinggggg 🤷♀️
trying to let go & forget but the mind won’t let it go 😓
A lost childhood & teens &
a waisted life !
No it’s not OK far from it 😔
Ty ❤️🩹
❤❤❤. That was then and this is now. You’re safe now ❤
Thank you so much 😢😢😢. I knew I had more healing to do-but didn’t expect it to arise out of meeting someone new who is the precise epitome of who I desire to share the rest of my life with. They’d leave me for work and wouldn’t respond to texts when I saw fit and I would get anxious. Until today, I just realized it was being abandoned/neglected as a adolescent. I opened up and shared with them my feelings and they were patient with me and didn’t judge me. They accepted me for me 😢😢😢. I wish this type of love for all. Peace.
Thank you for what appears to be a broad working knowledge of this subject. I was adopted by a couple who knew & despised my biological parents. I endured foul-mouthed name calling slapping, kicking, shaming & on purpose humiliations. I lived in fear for 12 years; at legal age I flew the coup. I had been told continuously that I was never wanted. I was raised to be released, then told I never had a family. I needed to go on w/ my life. I remember a very telling dream I had while still in their home, that said it all. In it, I had been kidnapped, wishing they would come and rescue me. In the 2nd scene of my dream I was back in their home. In the 3rd scene of my dream they had taken me back to the kidnappers.
It feels like I'm being described to a tee. I have always felt so overwhelmed about where to begin with healing, because I didn't know how to articulate everything that I was doing as a trauma response. The compulsive numbing is a HUGE one for me, I've been trying so hard to move away from numbing with food and technology. Thank you for making this video, you are helping so many of us.
You just explained my whole life and I didn’t know how much I needed this, thank you 🙏
I just stumbled across your channel Kim. My first reaction was sadness. My second was hope.
Yes, my youth was relatively traumatic. My adult life has been riddled with physically traumatic experiences; many from being assaulted by other people. Aftereffects have been as bad or worse than the original incidents. Epilepsy, skull tumor, bilateral eye surgery, etc. Some people can be cruel. I seek good ones. They're out there.
Thank you Kim, for giving me a place to help me understand cPTSD and what I can do to rise above it. Blessed Be.
Edit: my parents were wonderful humans. Things happen. Overreaction.
Only one childhood memory ghost still haunts me because it's still in my bones, literally. My belief is if I can put That ghost to rest, my adult traumas will be easier to dissipate. Thank you Kim.
I am so sorry for all the emotional and physical traumas you have gone through. Hopefully you are now in good health and surrounded by loving friends and family
❤
Oh my god, this checked all my boxes. This is exactly, to the letter, what my childhood did to me. But I can also see that I've chosen, on my own accord, to work on the areas you suggest, and that means I'm on the right path to healing. I wish I knew more people that has to work on these things, so we can use each other to heal ❤
Thank you so much! I really needed to see this. As someone who is suffering from complex PTSD this explains a lot.
I don't know how it is that you've managed to describe everything I've been going through, most of my life, but couldn't quite pinpoint why or how or what, but you have and you've confirmed things I've suspected, and have shed light on things that were still a mystery to me. I've watched a few of your videos now while I've been cleaning my kitchen, doing laundry, etc and I know I need to watch/listen to more. You've helped me more than any therapist I've ever seen in person. Now, to just get out of my own head, and heal from everything...
I never felt abandonment issues as a child but honestly have no idea how it started. I started having fear though starting around 16 of losing people close to me (like death.) Interestingly enough, my first traumatic loss didn’t happen until I was 23 so I can’t even link it to that (at least initially.) Now at 42 I’m dealing with abandonment and trust issues, much of which I can’t link to anything but I know is there. Unless there are things I blocked out, it’s a mystery. I’m in therapy once a week which helps, but would love to pinpoint where the abandonment came from.
I relate to it so much! I know there was an issue but I can’t see it or remember when it started. Maybe something too traumatic my brain deleted from my memory? I always wonder… not being able to link what was that frustrates me so much… :(
@@michellevicente759 I wonder that too!! Like am I just blocking out traumatic events??
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with abandonment and trust issues. Abandonment trauma can sometimes have roots in early childhood, even before we develop the conceptual ability to form memories (ages 0-3). These formative years can significantly impact our attachment patterns, laying the foundation for how we relate to others later in life.
While you may not have conscious memories of specific events, early experiences can still shape our emotional responses and patterns of relating. Sometimes such experiences can manifest later in life, as you've described. Your commitment to therapy is a great step, working through these issues with a professional can help uncover and understand the origins of these feelings.
This video came right on time. So much work on myself and yet it always come back down to the basics ❤
I recognise myself in so much of what you are saying in this video, but I feel stuck with the patterns of 'self abandonment. I do feel like a lost cause, overwhelmed by the pathway to healing so many compulsive responses. I am endlessly terrified of people tiring of me that it undermines every relationship, with catastrophic results in some cases. Your content strikes me as kind and compassionate... it give me a glimmer of hope in the darkness of misery.
I’ve been working on getting my life back so much that it creates another reason to push people away after I get to know them for a while, I feel like if I stick around I’ll get distracted by them and neglect myself, it can be a double edged sword but nevertheless I’m still working on it and I’m happy with myself as I go! This is a great video.
This video is very helpful and I think it explains childhood trauma and what it does to yourself better than anything I have ever seen. I had never really thought about it like that before, that I have abandoned myself. Exactly. It has done so much damage to my relationships with others and I live with so much regret, but I’m going to work on trying to change it. Thank you!
Thank you for making me see so i can change my 47 years of this, that ended in mental fatigue..
Please don't ever think you're talking too much! These videos are absolutely captivating and the wisdom you're sharing with us is invaluable, thank you!
This is one of the most important videos I've come across as it relates directly to my life situation...thank you Dr. Sage
So glad I came across your channel. Fantastic advice and I am ordering those pillows on Amazon! I’ve had undiagnosed adhd for the past 20 years. Coming up on 9 months sober for the first time. Trauma therapy, meetings, and living in a community has been essential thus far. I’m doing this for myself. Truth be told, I should be dead. My message is to focus on your mental health. People, places, and things never got me sober. It’s not about the alcohol or drugs it’s the behaviors. Focusing on my mental health is the only way I was able to obtain sobriety. It took 10 weeks and a saint of a psychiatrist to get on the right medications. I want what I want when I want it! In addition to self regulation there are so many emotions that coincide. Your inner child is the base of it for sure! I can relate to this video on many levels. If nothing changes nothing changes! I’ll share a quote that has helped me tremendously. “Love is what happens when you stop trying to figure out who deserves it”. I pray for anybody struggling with depression, anxiety, and so on. You are not alone!
To overcome your fear of abandonment, you have to stop abandoning yourself. *There.* You got me bawling. I know I have that fear, I keep on thinking that I have to be able to live alone. Duh, I should just live alone bcs people suck, unpredictable, and everyone will be a jerk at some points. So I'm making sure that I will be able to live alone. But I had never think that I'm abandoning myself. I love myself, more than anyone else, and I'm sure no one will ever love me more than I love me... why would I abandon myself? Yet, I'm relating to your every words. Oh god.
I'm a man 31.
Abandoned by my parents at 3.
Dad remarried and took on step children but forgot me.
Mom was into drugs and her boyfriends would beat me.
I'm having a midlife crisis finding out how I can fix myself.
I was started on medication when I was 8, and all they did was make things worse.
I need help so bad and I feel nobody around me wants to help.
I've seen therapists, and doctors..
I'm about to give up because nothing seems to be getting better...
Please keep fighting 😢
I relate so much to the compulsive over self reliance and choosing unavailable people. I had a relationship with someone who truly loved me and wanted to be with me but I didn't trust it so I sabotaged it and right after went into a terrible situationship.
11:27 is the heart of the matter!
My fear of abandonment has ruined some important relationships. I cringe when I think about how it’s made me act. I cant even tell you where it came from either. Thankyou for this video
I just want to say that this woman is so nice to listen to!
So many things are so relevant to me and connect the dots I’ve been making note of! I’m a therapist in Michigan and would be making an appt with you if you were in Michigan! I’ll be following you!
Thanks, tears finally words to explain my feelings and thoughts. I felt it but didn’t know it had a name.
It was so scary that every single point you mentioned is me 100 percent… thank you for making this
When you said that we can handle whatever comes, that's exactly what I need and didn't have the words for it. I knew it would be bad to put my own responsibility for myself into somebody else's hands, since it's not their job to walk the walk for me, but you put it into words. I can handle whatever comes. Thank you.
Love this video but I chuckled thinking how Dr Kim was abandoning her child at the pick up stop to make sure we weren't abandoning ourselves :D
I only learned today that Anxious Attachment Style is a thing, and that this is what makes me so painfully ashamed and insecure in so many situations... Watching this video made me realize for the first time that my very loving childhood was at the same time filled with uncertainty, feelings of being misunderstood and emotional needs not being met. Thank you for this insight. Its not fun but its definitely valuable and important. Being diagnosed with ADHD only two years ago, when I was 31, I'm still coming to terms with the implications of that diagnosis, and I feel that the notion of the Anxious Attachment Style explains most of what that ADHD diagnosis could not.
As you'll understand, this combination makes anxiety, emotional regulation and impulse control particularly difficult. Since you seem impressively knowledgeable on the subject, I wonder if you can recommend any literature on the Anxious Attachment Style/ADHD combo, or perhaps be willing to make a video about it. Thank you in advance for the effort, and thanks in general for the content you're putting out.
I feel you, I suffer from similar problems and they are very hard to overcome. I hope we can both overcome this, sending you much love.
I only just recently started listening to your videos but they are so helpful in getting me to understand my CPTSD. Thank you so much for making them.
I’m a fellow traveler and love this due to being an adult child of alcoholism! Love this! Similar situations in meetings and books ❤❤❤
I am so disappointed in my life and life in general...life is such a burden.....humans are the worst.
Caregiving, that's me.
I hoard cats and didn't even realize what I was doing until a couple of years ago. 😬
I c-ptsd after being fron a split home of narcissists. Ive Been working on this for over 5 yrs now. Its been a very long journey and im seeing myself getting better finally. There are still a few things I struggle with and my personal relationship with God has helped insurmountably but this def served as good reminders expaecally in this season in mg life
I think we need a lot of self love to go through this kind of things. It’s difficult but not impossible. I have very clear my value and worth and base on that there is no fear, because I am what I need most to be happy. Once upon a time I was like that. Now I know that my worth is not defined by someone else. I stopped having expectations and that’s very useful too. ❤ Healing and love for everyone
I really identify with this, for myself and for my mom, she grew up in an alcoholic house with a lot of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse and inconsistent attention. Then she raised me in a similar way, not alcoholic just very intense and volatile from her unhealed trauma
@@luciapodilla1943 I’m sorry that happened to you, you deserved so much better! You deserve to heal and find peace
Thank you, Dr. Kim. 🙏🏻 This was soothing to hear and helpful steps towards healing.
Thank you so much this made me feel very emotional and helped me realise even more how I've lived my life 😢 but I am constantly moving forward towards healing x
Yes,Yes,YES!!! To everything you’re saying❣️❣️AND. Bless you, BLESS YOU, BLESS Y❤️U❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️
Soo helpful. I have been in an in and out relationship with a man who displays almost all of these traits and it’s been tough. Sweet , kind and beautiful man. Hardworking and caring - work , Aunt and two girls. Started strong and went into hermit mode since December. You are so apt in and so caring as well. I’ve done soo much to come from a place of understanding but still he has no idea how much knowledge I’ve gained. Still he is always in a state of deactivation. I feel like he wants to connect but just can’t (or he is just being nice to not let it go). He’s successful and respected at work but “the fixer” Aunt 85 and 21 year old daughter emotional issues. Feel like just wanting to let him know - I here to chat. Even that he does seem to thrilled for. It’s sad and confusing
Add to regulating nervous system - bilateral stimulation audio. (Like EMDR for ears). It's been awesome for me. I love guided meditation also, but I usually fall asleep. So the EMDR allows me to stay awake and do other things
Can you share some links or resources? I would like to try. Thanks
This is totally me! Thank you Dr. Sage for this video!
This opened up so much understanding that I’ve never been able to figure out even after years of therapy and research. This is very emotional, I recommend everyone watch this in a private place and alone.
Thank you so much for this video, I have most of the things you’re mentioning so I have a lot of work to do. At least I’m feeling hopeful now, 🤗
Thank you, thank you for an episode which for ne sums up 55+ years of loss, anger and disappointment, and putting it in such a manner that it's like a cold shower on a winter's morning. Yes! We are survivors, and the pride in that alone should become our pillar of strength, our baseline for being.
Unfortunately, being a Fearful Avoidant with an Anxious partner it is so hard to convince them that our safety mechanism, of distancing ourselves from vulnerability, is not a purposeful rejection of them.
I mean, come on, this dynamic was hidden from me until only a few months ago.
But because my Anxious partner needed me to co-regulate with her, and I wasn't there for her, I feel completely cut off now that I am ready to lean into her but she is unwilling to let me in.
I guess I just have to tend my own garden and hope that eventually she sees the beauty I have growing there. And then she might finally decide to trust me and open herself up.
Dwayne, I applaud your transparency and willingness to share this vulnerable Truth. Allow me to share a common AP’s challenge with the FA: First, you’re correct in that the AP often prefers to connect and co-regulate in times of fear. Furthermore, if they experience their (FA) partner resisting that connection, that’s sometimes tolerable, perhaps a small handful of times. But when it is the continuous pattern, the AP nervous system usually cannot manage that “abandonment” experience. It’s very, VERY difficult to navigate this Attachment Style Match. An FA is typically hot and cold and an AP relies upon consistency to feel safe.
I wish you the best.
🙌🏼♥️🙏🏼
@@DahliaDance Really appreciate the reply.
I know that keeping things buried inside is not helpful and it's part of my healing to be open and honest about everything - including the hurt I've cause my wife in our marriage and the struggles I now face.
You nail the problem right on the head when you say that resistance to connection for an AP leads to nervous system dis-regulation. Unfortunately I was operating in my own domain and thought people self-regulated. This has caused my wife so much hurt over the years.
Of course, now that the blinders are off, I can see that. I literally could not see this before. I thought she was too needy actually.
Carl Jung said it well. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
So now I know. No more "ignorance is bliss" either, not that there has been much bliss in our relationship of late.
Now I know how important it is that I connect with my wife, but she has been so hurt by the constant triggering of her attachment style that she sees me as the enemy now.
Of course, as a FA I want to forget the past and look to the future. And my anxious wife only wants to deal with the past before looking to the future. So many obstacles!
We did the Big 5 Personality Trait test and our average difference in our traits is 53! Did I mention obstacles?
Thanks again for the comment. I do have hope for the future but it's going to be a bumpy ride for a while at least.
Have you been able to explain to your AP that you now understand where your reactions were coming from and why it was so hard for her?
AS are very loving if they understand, which is how we are as FAs
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 Unfortunately, there is lots of water under the bridge.
I'm hoping my wife will understand one day, but right now she is concentrating on her own healing and insisting that we need to take a break because I am too much of a trigger for her. She is probably suffering from CPTSD and I have been a big part of that.
I do realize she probably does need room to heal. It's just really hard when I think I could be a much more integeral part of it if she would just let me in.
Appreciate the comment.
Wow. 10/10. Thank you for describing every symptom I have. However, I have tried trusting people after severe and repeated trauma and disillusion ever since early childhood through my adult life, and never again. I have become completely distrusting and suspicious of anything that does not come with a physical contract or receipt. It’s now strictly transactional. Never again shall anybody come close enough to see my vulnerabilities.
WOW!! I was never aloud to have a need!!! My need was there need!!!
PLEASE HELP!!
How do you care for someone like this? My wife has had all those childhood experiance and have all the CPTSD that you have talked about. It is always blamed on me, that I'm the reason she is the way she is. I do everything, cook, clean, laundry, schedule her doctors appointments, take her to them, call in meds, pick them up. Fix the house, work fulltime.
I have 1.5 hours a week where I play hockey to relax, reset, and release the stress. That is now becoming a problem that I play hockey. I really don't know what to do please help me!!
I’m recommend that you stop feeling guilty first. You matter too. If you die today, God forbid. I can almost bet that she would find the strength to take care of herself. You are going to make yourself sick because I can bet again that your are seething in resentment.
You are in a toxic environment and you don’t really love her as you think you because you don’t love yourself enough to say “ I MATTER TOO and stop this abuse. That’s just what this ABUSE. You both are co-dependent and probably bonded together because of some trauma. Ask yourself this question,” if we didn’t connect because of..., would I still be with her. If you are honest with yourself, you won’t need anyone’s help. SAVE YOURSELF and in doing so you will save her. That’s the best start to begin loving yourself and then you can truly love her. It’s tough, scary but we don’t know each other, you’ll thank me one day.
Ponder prayerfully 🦋
It sounds like your wife needs some serious therapy. I put my husband through hell taking care of me, but I didn’t do it consciously. I wish someone would’ve noticed how dysfunctional I was and helped me get some kind of help for myself. At least I was able to care for my husband when he became ill and that helps a little bit, but I wasted all those years and I can never get them back. I don’t think your wife is doing it consciously, although I don’t know her, but it sounds like she has serious issues and it isn’t fair for you. Seek professional help! 💕
Of you were my son I'd say start gently but firmly setting boundaries...just one, till she sees you meant it and accepts it (maybe tge hockey?) Then another likewise and so on.
She might be lovely but being Queen Bee is not a lovely trait and she has found someone who is so nice they are 'enabling' her selfishness, rather than giving her tge tougher love er to be
Sorry....the 'tough love' that will help her grow to be her best self.
In my opinion, as the comments above she needs to take some responsibility for her CPTSD and healing. This is not fair to you. It might also help to do some work on your own boundaries.
Take care