My mom always joked that I was a 40 year old at age 4. Now I know why that wasn't funny and I have no children, nor have I ever felt the world to be a safe place. Im the poster child for hyper-vigilance at 47. Thank you for this video.
I also have no children. I grew up knowing that being a child was a hard difficult job and I think I never wanted to expose my children to such hard life.
I also have no children, I wanted everything to be right (perfect) so I could have a family and raise children in a stress-free, loving environment and of course, it never was.....
My mother had fourteen kids and we were poor, my mother was born with no feet and she had a hunch back which took her life,,I now in my seventies Lissening to you has helped me understand the life we had,,.
I remember as a young adult I would detach from social situations with friends. Like, we are hanging in the living room just talking. I couldn’t relate to them. I felt like an Alien of some sort. I would come home to an empty house, I was terrified the 30 minutes before my mother came home. I didn’t know who I was going to get. Most times an angry bully who yelled at me for hours about everything. Everything bad in her life was my fault. I was the abortion she regretted not having. I was her maid, her punching bag, her mother, her savings account, a thing, not her child, not her daughter and not a human being. But a thing to be used as she needed. I still have to remind my mother I’m a person. Because she still acts like I’m not suppose to have emotions or opinions. I don’t wanted kids because the idea of having to deal with their emotions is overwhelming. Thanks for making this video. I thought I was alone.
SHE IS ME, I IS SHE 😔 Minus I always wanted kids to NOT parent like her, and I do have a beautiful 8 yr old. And I am determined to not let her feel the way I do on inside.
Me too. I wish I could say eventually things get better but here I sit at 52 years old trying to make my deceased mother see me as a human being. Prayers be with you as you navigate these very real feelings and hoping you find peace before it is too late. 💕
You are describing me exactly. That was my childhood. Hyper vigilance and Parentification. I too never had a childhood. At age 73, I'm running out of options. I've been in survival mode for several years. Pray for me. Chuck
I am 73 and suffered as you say. One day, my sister said to me in an accusatory, envious tone, "You gotta be the older sister!". I was completely shocked. I told her it was NO PRIZE being held responsible for everything that happened to her and the rest of the family. That I loved her as my own child but I never got to be a child. She is my only living relative of our original family and she's shut me out of her life. Her childhood wasn't great either. But, I forgive her because she does not know what I know and she doesn't want to hear it. But I'm fine with that. When I turned 70 I realized I don't have to be responsible for anyone but myself and that is a huge relief! But that doesn't mean I don't care about others or feel unnecessary. It means I get to be the kid I never got to be and don't need to apologize to anybody! I hope you can embrace this and do the same.
Hi Chuck I feel you I started ACOA 1 year ago age 64 my head was telling me that I’m too old I should be ok with it at my age yada yada yada It was the best thing I ever did I’m no longer alone and I don’t think in that self deprecation of I’m too old I should get over it !! Wishing you well on your journey 💜💜
Lord GOD, be with Chuck. Cover him Lord and watch over him. Fill him with your perfect peace. May he feel and know your grace Lord Jesus. Heal his heart and soul of burden. Send down Angels to surround him and watch over him. Christ Jesus open his mind, heart and soul to trust in YOU completely. This man needs rest. Lord Jesus Christ I ask this in your Holy name. You are the only son of GOD the Father, The Almighty. Hear my prayer. Your will be done Lord. Amen.
Of course we can learn to play and let go. Start by pretending and mimicking what a child would do when playing. In that practice you will find moments of joy! So go play! Hope this helps. U can do it! ;-)
I was never a child 😢 had to take care of my little sister and mom when my dad left. My life has been one trauma after another. Still here now.. Life is so hard.
You are not alone. I became a mother at 5 1/2 when my sister was born and my dad left, but my parents were married and my mom stepped out of their marriage and had a baby by another man. I was her protector, provider, and literal mother that young. My mother put everything on my shoulders and every time I went to my father’s for my visits, I would get so sick from worrying about her I couldn’t hardly enjoy the break I had from the chaos… we do recover and I am sending you big hugs and hope you know you are worthy of whatever makes you happy.
@@Pattim4762 it gets a little better all the time. At least now I understand why I felt the way I did for so long and it’s not just because I’m broken without cause. It became fixable once there was identification of the problem. I still don’t have a good relationship with my mother, but I have been able to work towards being the best mother I can be to my two daughters. Maybe I was here to break a pattern in my family, because my mothers mom had two daughters and they both have issues from their relationship with their mother and their grandmother before them had a similar relationship with my grandmother, so it’s an ongoing process, but it has to end with someone and I most definitely don’t want my babies to ever feel the way I did for so long… thank you❤️
If you didn’t come from a healthy family.. do your best to make sure a healthy family comes from you.. my mission since understanding how generational trauma been passed on to me🖤 break the cycle 😵💫
I broke the cycle! 3 generations on both sides of alcohol abuse and messed up children that messed up their children. I am sooo proud of my three grown children, they are incredible human beings and I am proud that I took a stand and didn’t use excuses to do the same to my kids. I also had an alcohol problem, in the early years of my kids lives I was still drinking but it did not have any detrimental effects on my kids thank god, but I did manage quit before anything did go wrong. I’m proud of my achievement and the love for my kids was powerful enough for me to want change and a better life for them.
I hope I am a cycle breaker. I am far from perfect but I can at least admit that. We shall see as my oldest is a junior in high school. So far he is better than I can even hope for. Brave, resilient and kind. My 2 younger daughters amaze me daily.
@@amberinthemist7912 sounds like you already have. Isn’t it an absolute joy to see your kids shine :) that is what I can not understand, why did our parents not want the same for us? Anyway it is what it is. If you can admit to not being perfect then I think that’s the key. If you are able to pull yourself up when you do make mistakes then that’s great! I have three kids two and it has been the greatest blessing of my life to watch them grow into decent, kind, likeable and fun adults. It goes way too quick, my youngest turns 20 next week snd I cried for two weeks when my first born left home, he live 3 kms away lol. I hated it. Make the most of every second. X
Same, I had to take care of my sister throughout my life. I eventually emancipated myself at 16 and I had been moving around since I was 12 and I ended up getting custody of my younger sister. When I was an adult I ruined a few relationships because I was too busy trying to hangout with my friends because I didn’t really experience that closeness with someone as a child.
Looking back, I realized that my parents knew I was hyper-vigilant to any changes in their moods. They used it to control me. When the phone rang or someone came over to the house, they miraculously were no longer in a state of meltdown. When the company left, the nightmare restarted. I have since learned that I am not responsible for their moods. I mind my own business and the Lord has lifted my burden. 🧡
The same happened in my family. Mom would be screaming and screaming and screaming at one of us, then the phone would ring. She would answer calmly and with a sweet lilt in her voice, like someone threw a switch. She was very protective of her image to outsiders even as she terrorized us at home. Nobody would ever see or believe how nasty and vicious she could be. I've gone full no contact in the past few years (I'm early 50's). I haven't made any big announcement about it, but I've told individual family members on a need-to-know basis (and my mom knows they know) that I'm full no contact with her and she isn't welcome in my home. I'm not participating in her game of charades anymore. I feel liberated like I never thought I could feel at my age. They won't change as they get older. I hope you are referring to "no contact" in your comment. You deserve better.
@@rhino5100 My mother died. Now, I am low contact with the rest of the family. They can longer read my emotions. I am polite and that is all. I am free. Best wishes 🧡
Mother was a stay-at-home parent, but was too lazy to do any housework or raise her own kids. I was given the responsibility to cook, make sure the house was clean, and take care of my disabled younger brother and little sister. My two older brothers didn't have much responsibility...it was all put on me because I was the elder girl. I didn't get medical care, vision care, or dental care as needed because my needs were unimportant. I was never allowed to ask for anything, express an opinion, or speak out of turn. Mother barked orders at me like I was a hired servant, constantly yelled at me, belittled me, and criticised me. I had to keep my mouth shut and to be hypervigilant about doing everything as quickly, efficiently, and expertly as possible to avoid harsh punishment...but still got punished because nothing I did was ever good enough for my mom.
@@camellia8625 I was married to a narcissist for 22 years. He treated me the same way mother did. I am now single and taking care of my disabled 56-yr-old brother who came to live with me when our mother died 7 yrs ago. Things are good now. Our life is peaceful. We are doing well. I thank you for your kind words. ❤️
I understand, I had the same experience. Social services in their report called me a cinderella, but also in their report they denied the abuse and physical injury (back of my head was cut open by a sharp shoe heel) that was reported by my schoolteacher
The only place i feel safe is alone...its that simple. I spent my life caring for others from the age of 4 untill about 2 years ago at 48 , now i just close myself off , and im good with that. It makes family rhink i dont care ,but i do i just dont have the energy to interact anymore. My mind ,body and soul ,are simply wore out.
Was never a child. Took care of my little sister and my alcoholic mother. Was praised for being so caring and taking care of everyone. Was so proud of myself. Now realize that as I was doing that, I felt no feelings. Never found out anything about myself. Only thing that mattered was taking care of "them" . Carried through to adulthood. Don't even know how to feel my own feelings.
You need a safe space where you can relax. All your needs taken care of, apartment, food, transportation. Going to teach English in Asia works. Then you can be childlike, make friends, live a simple life, cook food you love, live for yourself.
EXACTLY 💯 I was caregiver for my father and mother so I was an indentured servant so trying to please her into my 50s. If she or my dad or my "little brother" were still alive there's no way I could be able to get clean. My mom got highly pissed cause I went into rehab she was afraid I would get clean and stop getting pain pills and benzos off the street for them. I had already went to jail getting Mom and Dad's Percocets...at least my mom felt guilty and bonded me out and paid for my lawyer and fines/fees.
I wish I had caring big sister like you. But I had selfish big sister who would never help. And useless father who cheated and lived away from us. So I tried to help my narcissistic mother as much as I could. And she was never satisfied and blame me. So now as a adult I'm so sour with that resentment against my family and it's finally a time to abandon the toxic people in my life then they abandoned me.
I've always felt like I was never a child, but never an adult either. It's like I've been stuck in a limbo state of mid-pubescence, always treated like my emotions were spurious fits of hormonal fluff or anything of equivalent frivolity, while simultaneously being expected from an early age to be a masseuse, a homemaker, a cleaner, a cook, a scholar, an IT technician, a handyman, a best friend, and a confidant to people who were meant to be parents. I feel stuck in this perpetual limbo and I don't think I will ever find an escape.
This is extremely relatable.. I say to myself often "I'm like a child stuck being an adult" and it's so confusing because I'm 30, I AM an adult but my inner workings are so messed up that I have no idea where I am anymore in time space.. I cling to God and He constantly shows me the validity and love I didn't receive from my parents. My mom is a narcissist and my dad was a drunk. Both failed me immensely with their neglect and abuse.
By age 5, I sat still in church, unmoving, like an adult for 2 hours, or got spanked when I returned home. I had no children to play with until age 8. As an only child for 6 years of socially backward parents, I was constantly around grandparents, great aunts, and uncles who I gravitated to for the love and warmth missing at home. To this day, I still relate to the older generation more than my own. My brother arrived when I turned 6, and was allowed to be a child with lots of early friends, the long awaited for son. Brought up on two different planets, he continues the toxic patterns of home, while I’ve worked tirelessly to heal and break them the last 30 years. I worked so hard to protect him and save him from my story. I envy those that have a sibling to share/bear the burden of home with. When you save them from your nightmare, you’re just left with an ungrateful, disrespectful, entitled adult who passes the dysfunction onto another generation. Sometimes your childhood well earned saviour complex comes back to bite you in the ass. 😅
Understand. No, your efforts were not in vain. It's his bad. And you are so much more mature for it. Keep looking for good friends. Life only gets better with such a childhood. We too had to go to church religiously three times a week and sit motionless for two or more hours listening to incoherent babble. It was a very peculiar, unusual and specific kind of torture. If I could speak to these kinds of parents, I would be furious and tear them to shreds. Awful people. Their egos are leading the way. Carrying inter-generational nonsense.
I'm not against reading the Bible or Christianity, but 10 minutes is sufficient. Not five hours every second day. There is reasonableness and then there is extreme insanity.
I was my mother's emotional dumping ground unfortunately. She's also quite critical. I've been in therapy and doing inner child work. I bought myself some teddies to replace the ones mum burned. I've been reading some Dr Seuss books to myself. Got back into my art. Been trying to not judge myself. Been trying to focus on self love to counteract all that criticism I've faced from my family. I worked out that deep down I felt like I was a bad person. The messages that I took on from childhood were things like they don't love me so I need to change. I need to protect them from the truth of what is happening because they can't handle it. Just because my parents can't love me in the way I need to be loved doesn't mean I'm not worthy of being loved. Much love and healing to all 🌈🧡✌️
Wow, thank you so much for sharing...teddies my mum has burned...I am very relating with that. Just in my case dolls and paper dolls which I adored, but for her it was such a mess.
As a man caring for my mother, only child...I look back and realize I was also never a child. I have mini moments I can recall but then I'm back to remembering how I had to survive in a household of chaos.
I don’t want to go back to that either’ what is a ‘care-free child’ ?? I surely never had that. I only recently realised that I woke up every morning of my childhood, in deep despair.. I’ve believed I’m super shy and sensitive all my life - but through therapy I’m coming to the conclusion I’m just highly traumatized individual!! My ‘shyness’ is actually the deep fear of my unsafe surroundings! This is quite mind-blowing for me.
Wow I've always been super shy and sensitive too my whole life and shamed over and over again for both those things. I've never thought about it like that - how you put it - deep fear of unsafe surroundings/trauma. It's something to think about.
Yes, this all sounds so familiar and I so understand. I am so sorry you have been so traumatized and I am hoping your therapy continues to nurture and support your healing.❤
@@iloveTool Yes, all very related in many regards...shyness and sensitivity have been researched and can be passed on so that makes a traumatic childhood even more impactful given our genetics...🙏
That hometown thing is important. That’s why it was my goal to get out of that hometown because it reminded me of personal trauma, pain, depression, neglect, and misfortunes. We have to learn to stay away from things that remind us of that, I’m hoping you’re able to relocate when you have the opportunity to do so.
I was never a child. I had very grown up responsibilities, starting at 8 years old. I was responsible for the care of my older siblings. I never had the free fun most kids feel. I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything that was related to being a carefree kiddo. The only time I felt it was when I was outside, with my cat and alone. People always ask me how I know how to do so many things, it was because I was forced when I was a kid. I never got along with girls in my age group, still effecting me to this day at 47. At 15, it was the first time I said NO to my family and omg, I thought I was going to die. They got mad but for the first time in my life, I slept without guilt. I'm still undoing a lot of garbage, because I repeated it in my marriage. I am reintroducing myself to art in all forms of creativity and exploration, I have moved to a tiny apartment with my 2 cats and bulldog and I am LIVING life again. I'm making a creamy potato and leek soup for myself and my son tonight. He is bringing his art project to show me. Can't wait!
@@BikingVikingHH wow - that was a horrible and miserable thing to say? You really need to remove this horrible comment from here - it is a disgrace! @txspacemom is doing a brilliant job - even you can feel it in her fantastic words. Her single mother status it is utterly fucking irrelevant? Got it? Now remove your remark - better still apologise to @txspacemom? And even better listen to Kim Sage and do the fucking work on your miserable soul? All these souls here are trying to free themselves whilst you are trying to lock them up in your little one person pity party. Listen to Kim!!
As a child I was the caretaker and raised myself. My adult life is completely lacking, still on my own taking care of myself. Tired of not having someone providing me the support I need on this journey. When will someone choose to care about me.
At the 2 minute mark.... when you said you didn't remember ever being like that young carefree girl... I had to stop and take a breath! THOSE SAME WORDS ARE WHAT CAME TO MY MIND WHEN I LISTENED TO THAT QUOTE!!! I doooonnnn't remember ever really being carefree or a child. I was never safe. I was never at ease. I was never a child. So yes I can relate.
Whenever people say, “Don’t you wish you could be a kid again?” I’m always like “🤨 wtf no, I hated being a kid.” Then that tells me that other people had carefree childhoods. I did not. Something I have been doing that is giving me some space & helping me unwind at the end of the day is so do word searches. I remember being made fun of & being told “those are EASY.” So what?? Not everything you do has to be hard for it to be worth anything. Work is already exhausting & I’m a part time grad student as well. I have no brain power left to give. Doing word searches on physical paper has been nice & I really loved them as a kid.
Yes! This is my story too. I have never felt nurtured, safe, protected, carefree, but like you it was always a constant state of fight, flight, freeze. Uncertainly, chaos, no structure and feeling like I would be abandoned all the time. That was my childhood years, then I became the parent of a parent, where I was always the one that had to be sensible, responsibility and pressure was my life from about 12 onwards, still today at 53, I have never felt safe, or off guard. Unfortunately I chose a husband, who I have been with a parent too rather than a partner. I have always been the responsible one, the peacemaker, the one who picks up the pieces … the caregiver to everyone. Then I chose Nursing as a career :) I’ve never know what it’s like to be carefree or to relax. I have always worked extremely hard, people pleased and I feel so much guilt if I do not save everyone, because I know what it’s like to hurt. I know I am responsible for taking on this role and because of taking on this role I feel totally exhausted, my cup was empty a long time ago. I do not begrudge being kind or helping others, I feel it is my calling, but I realise there needs to be boundaries and I am now ok at saying no. I finally at 49, with the help of a intuitive healer, learned to love myself, I had hated myself my whole life and I had neglected myself. With self love, came self nurturing, a feeling of peace and gratitude, I stopped caring about what others thought of me and how much time and energy was wasted worrying about what others thought, now I truly do not care, because I like who I am, I’m a good person and I do not need approval from anyone else but myself. My life has not been easy, but I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through what I had gone through, so I focus on gratitude and the blessings in my life. You can’t go back and change things but you can change who you want to become in the future. I refuse to feel broken or that my future can not be carefree, I choose how I want to respond to the world around me, sure I still do get anxious and worry, but I am a whole lot better at letting it go than I used to be and I will continue to make a life that is meaningful and on my own terms. I have the power to do so and will no longer give my power away. If I can get there anyone can. We are what we think!
I was the trophy kid! I sat, I spoke when spoken to, I didn’t get dirty, I took care of my little brother who was the next best thing to god. I let my kids be kids! I let them make choices! I give them space but I have to know where they are at all times
Sewing has really unlocked that creative and care free child like sense for me. I tend to focus on Victorian dresses and cosplay, so imagination is front and center. Bringing the 2D into 3D gives me a thrill. It blows me away just looking at an outfit and saying to myself, “you made that. You can do it.” Still getting used to being noticed though, I’m used to being that “person behind the curtain”.
I can identify with this video. Even now as a mature adult I worry about everything and often when I am tired and go to bed, I cannot relax. I will waken up with a very painful neck. I go for long walks in nature and this gives me peace that I never find elsewhere.
I love that nature helps, thank you for sharing. Being out in the "blue and/or green environments" really can act as a beautiful way to regulate ourselves, slow down our fight or flight responses and help us feel grounded to the world and ourselves.❤
76 year old clinical psychologist here. I taught in a doctoral Psy d program. Beautiful job you’ve done here. One course I taught was child psychopathology, and what you’ve described here is such an elegant way to explain parentification. Believe me I know. Also, when you are my age, you too will feel the peace of having done the work. Great job.
Wow. 63 years of fearing my father and it has never occurred to me, until now, that I had to be my own parent back then ... in order to feel safe. Heavy.
I spent my whole teens getting drunk to switch off the hyper vigilance , dancing in dark clubs to myself , the only thing that got me through. Today I use AirPods and walks, much healthier . And breathe, breathe, breathe, thanks for being relatable. X
I was never a child. I was always obliged to be the best student and read my self to exhaustation. Starting from 7 in the morning till 22h in the night when I was allowed to return home after a whole day of school and private lessons. Also I had to soothe and be the instrument of my mother in her depression and her war with my dad which included physical violence. My mother never let me play as a kid nor she ever played with me. She never told me bravo for acquiring all the diplomas and degrees she wanted me to get. She always told me I was not good enough and she was never satisfied. Also when I become a young woman she was not letting me date anyone if he did not have money. So she did not love me and she did not let anyone to love me either. She was calling me a who're for wanting to have a man.
This breaks my heart. You are valuable and worth the time to enjoy play. I hope you can find ways to play now that allow you to explore in ways you didn’t get to do as a child. You are worthy of care and attention from others. I hope you find peace and joy.
I can relate the the battery of lessons. I had so many lessons (ballet, piano, flute, gymnastics, tutoring) and high expectations for grades too. I was her show pony. I wanted to stop and she enlisted Dad to give a speech about their "investment" in the lessons and how I had to keep going. Years ago I found a diary from when I was 10 and I had written about being exhausted, feeling like I'm never going to get it all done and how I'm going to fail. I sounded like a middle-aged burnout at 10. I showed it to my mom and she laughed (ignorant laugh) like it was genuinely hilarious as if I'd showed it to her to make her laugh. I wasn't laughing. Her circular logic, "Its not that I expect you to get all A's, I just expect you to do your best, and I'll know you're doing your best when you get all A's." As a kid, I broke down sobbing a few times at the dance lessons from the pressure and the owner of the dance studio would give me a quiet place to sit and cry and buy me a soda out of the machine. My mom couldn't really "see" me, but this other lady did. For my mom, the perfect facade was much more important than me. There was intermittent physical violence in my childhood home, too. The control, the expectation of perfection, and the violence are all familiar.
The magnitude of everything you speak about has hit me since my Grandparents both passed away. They were the outlet of love, care, kindness and warmth that I fought to receive elsewhere. The loss of them, is a loss of stability, being seen, heard and accepted, but I'm trying to hold on to that memory and keep that feeling of love alive. I deserved more.
Ditto to the tee my mom was too busy being into herself and not showing me any affection I so craved so I got it from my grandmother and my father was too busy being a perfectionist and a workaholic and would try to please my mother and so I got punished by him but that was about it except he did help me with homework until I got an A because a B was the statement of you can get an A do it get the A. I always felt never good enough so my grandmother filled in and my grandfather provided for me my cars, a job at his business all my teen years until mid twenties and he helped with my college etc. Then I’m my thirties my husband abandoned me and he took me in again so my grand father was my rock and he just died a month ago of old age. He was 95. I miss him every single moment. 😢
I read a blurb once: you only need to feel special from 1 person to survive a crappy child hood. I had that much so, maybe that has been my savings grace.
I was raised by a self-centered, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My big sister was the golden child while I was the scapegoat. From a young age I had to take care of myself and take on everyone else's crap.... As an adult I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other adults, I don't have to please others, and I'm important.
This describes me exactly. Now 77yrs I look back on being a carer from 7yrs of age for my brother who was three years younger than me. My father had PTSD and my mother was unprepared for marriage and children. I was expected to keep him safe and when he broke into his nursery school at age 4 yrs (I was 7) I got into trouble for “letting him to do it.” I “escaped” at age 18 to go to nursing school in the UK, and then to live in the USA in my 30s. Stayed hyper vigilant and hyper responsible my whole life. Now in my late 70s I find I can finally relax and enjoy life!
For the first time in my life, I am receiving the exact diagnosis of my most troublesome issues. You have described me from A to Z. This is my issue. I am speachless. Saying thank you is not enough.
When I spend time in nature, it is easiest to forget myself and experience joy. Simple morning walks do the trick. I recently happened on a series of talks by Henri Nouwen called “Being the Beloved.” He said one thing that made my heart sing. He said to remember we were first loved by God even before we were born, and not even the worst childhood could make us unloved. As I age, I see the wisdom in that insight and in recalling it daily, making it a part of me.
My mother (now at 80 with Alzheimer's) admitted years ago that from the time I was 2 years old she'd come to me to solve her problems. She and dad fought all the time and never loved each other. Dad had a girlfriend for 18 years on the side, which came out years later. Mom didn't want to be an adult and work...so she just cried that dad ruined her life and that all men are vile. I have spent my life alone and always was put in the parent role for her, and now, do a degree, my 87 year old dad. I had major digestive issues and painful stomach attacks due to stress from being in such an unhappy house growing up. I was stressed all the time. :-(
It’s one upside of being a child with a mother from my experience only of course. My interpersonal skills and capacity to get on with anybody came from adapting to the crazy at home. It’s served me well at work and I could throw a ball intentionally into someone’s garden as a child and knock on their door for permission to get it in the hopes I could be invited in and chat. Especially with old people. The tricks of the trade to survive were the unintended positive consequence in my life. But that’s just me. Everyone’s experience is different.
So very helpful. Thank you. I like you thought the poem beautiful, but never ever wished to return to the " safety" of childhood. My childhood was spent trying to please a narcissistic parent who doled out acceptance only if I was perfect, and of course, despite my best efforts, I never measured up.Any success I attained academically was a threat. So I just tried even harder to do better, to get 100% on every school assignment or test. I maintained that through 3 years of college, until I snapped. Taking difficult subjects, studying hard, and waitressing evenings to pay for school, I reached the breaking point when my mother said, " Why don't you just be a secretary?" I dropped out after 3 1/2 years and married Mr. Wrong. It was only later that I understood that my graduating from college, earning that degree, having a rewarding career threatened her. She did not want me to succeed. I spent years as a subordinate as a special education assistant teacher. Returning to school was an impossibility as I was a divorced mom raising 5 kids on my own and working full time. It is only in hindsight that I realized I was sabotaged by a parent's insecurities. I am now retired, and have picked up a pen to write. This has become a joy to me, and taking long walks to sky gaze. Drawing and music and reading fill my days as well. I have been able to forgive by God's sweet grace, and become at home in my own body. I know whose I am and His love is unconditional. I can't earn it, or work for it, or do more and try harder to be accepted and valued. He is love and His invitation to sit next to Him is always open. Time does not heal all wounds, Jesus does. He came to heal the broken hearted, break off chains, open prison doors, and free captives. His love is for any and all that will receive it. His forgiveness absolute, His peace all encompassing, His faithfulness never ceases. It is not a performance based relationship. It is resting in His goodness. It becomes about Him, not about me. I hope this helps someone searching for answers.
I was triggered dropping off my daughter at preschool. The administrator at the desk made a comment about my daughter, how carefree she was and how much she missed that as a little girl. I drove to the gym which was my next stop in tears, found myself heading straight for the heavy bags and after that an intense strength training HIIT workout. I was "running" from the pain by putting myself through the ringer, literally drenched and so weak after it was hard to drive home. Thankfully I had just started with a new therapist that understood trauma, she walked me through exactly what happened
I find that I have brought this behaviour into my marriage, I am now hyper vigilant with my husband and I rotate around his mood, it’s all related to fear of abandonment for me, we have been married for 35 years. I am now thankfully, learning to loosen my grip, live more as my authentic self and not be such a people pleaser. I have learned that no matter how hard you try to control your situation/ life, those you love the most will still disappoint you, and if someone does leave your life, you will be ok and you will survive, you may even thrive. Thank you for what you do, it is so helpful to so many people 💙🦋
I am 53 and am just finally working on my childhood trauma and just found out my cortisol level is 183 with severe health issues nobody can figure out. Thank you for this video because I was crying that I had no idea what that quote was talking about either.
"You're never going to completely erase it and it's a setup to think that you can"....so many gems in this lady's work that keep illuminating my innermost thoughts and actions.
Just finding my inner peace is what I want now. I had a sense of who I was when I was young until my mother tore it out of me and smashed it into a million peace’s.
WOW! Growing up with a pathologically sick single mother was extremely hard for me. I was the parent. I had no childhood. I was screamed & yelled at all the time. So I grew up to become a nurse with 2 degrees. I knew nothing more than how to take care of someone. I’m still hyper vigilant, somewhat edgy, tired all the time and don’t sleep well. The pathological mother is dead. The constant abuse even into adulthood from my abuser is over. Thank God. I’m working on healing now. It’s very hard. I have symptoms of PTST. It nice to connect with someone like you doctor who has been through roughly the same abuse as me. Thanks
YYYEEEESSSS!!! You could probably hear me say that out loud. I yelled at the screen. This was a perfect description of the confusion within me. The breathing work I understand. Doing one thing that is authentically me is going to need some courage, but I think I'll give it a shot. Happiness is threatening because someone in my family would pull the rug from under me if I expressed it. I know it will take time to learn that it can be safe to enjoy something. I'll look forward to the day that I laugh out loud, in front of others, uninhibited.
I am so glad you felt validated and feel free to yell at me on screen any day if it does make you feel heard!! ♥I hope you can learn to lol more and more!🙏
I’ve never heard someone so accurately describe what I’ve been feeling my whole life. It just makes me so sad. Sad that I never had a childhood. Sad that even now I don’t know safety within myself. Im grateful for finding this video but it’s a really hard revelation for me. I can’t stop crying 😢 I just want to be better to/for my children, I just don’t know where to start.
My emotional parentification came at the end of one of my mom’s abuse cycles. She would say something completely hurtful, shameful, critical, and invalidating. Even though I was a highly sensitive child with hyper empathy and I knew what she said was hurtful, she always said it in a covertly hurtful way that she could confuse me into thinking I took it wrong or I misheard her. I knew it was wrong to say but the more I persisted with my feelings and the argument, the more I became the villain and the whole house (narcissistic brother, avoidant enabling dad, and narcissistic mom) would turn on me - I became the villain and my mom the victim. After the explosive argument, she would give me the silent treatment for days. During this time I knew she was wrong and what she was doing was wrong, I still drove myself crazy by myself in my room confused by how this keeps happening. How I’m always the villain and how there’s just no way to stop this from happening (I had already tried many different resolutions by 13 years old, all resulted this same way). To make matters worse, I’m also an emotionally intense child and had already trauma split by 7 or 8. Even trauma split and abused since infancy, I still had more emotional maturity than everyone in my house. My dad would come to me because the silent treatment she was giving everyone (but mostly me) made the house feel insidious and he would defend what she said and tell me to fix it. I knew what he meant by fixing it because I always had to do this whenever she was abusing me with the silent treatment - knock on her door, apologize, validate her feelings and be her therapist until she felt better… it pains me writing about this right now and I’m a 41 reclusive cat lady with a broken nervous system living in complete isolation after over 3 decades of abuse and re-victimization. I don’t even feel happiness or motivation anymore. Apathy is all my brain is capable of at this point. This is what narcissistic abuse from my brother and mom did to me. My brothers abuse was even more malicious and psychological. This was all normalized and I didn’t even see it until years after trauma therapy for an unrelated trauma. My 2nd abusive husband overdosed in front of me and our 4 year old son, who was then taken from me by CPS. It took me 4 years to get full custody back but I did and I’ve slowly healed to this point over the last 7 years. I’m not sure where to go from her but isolation and apathy aren’t terrible. At least I feel safe.
I LOVED playing in the dirt as a kid even though I was always so lonely. But now I try to find time to make compost with kitchen scraps and giant earthworms. Making black soil over time for plants makes me happy in a way I recognize from way back.
The first person I’ve heard acknowledging this. That in itself makes me not feel alone. I don’t recall a time before trauma responses so I can’t go back to what I never knew.
I still can't believe my dad didn't kill me and my mom then himself. When I was young things were livable. When dad moved us 10 miles out of town and gave my sister my mom's car leaving us with his old gas gusseling constant breaking down old pickup truck that we couldn't afford gas for and moved us into a shack the writing was on the wall. The only person who rode the school bus longer than me was the bus driver. I rode 3 hours a day. Life is or was just not good for everyone. Everytime I go to the Rheumatologist I get diagnosed with a new disorder. Just because you survive it doesn't mean you survived unscathed.
As I'm unpacking my childhood experiences, I'm realizing why I've always been so hyperventilate. Now, my muscles just ache as I learn to recognize 'me'. I finally recognize that I've overcome the obstacles that I was ridiculed for throughout my childhood & young adulthood. I feel like I can finally start to breathe for the first time ever. I know what I want to do for myself (ex: weightlifting bc I liked it) but I need to separate my past why (dealing with the death of toxic parent) & current why, I miss moving & feeling strong. My anxiety & fear of judgment is overwhelming bc of old narratives. I have lived my life in hyperventilate crisis mode for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. The physical exhaustion it has caused is soul draining.
After having this childhood experience I became a prop master which entails entirely worrying about everyone else's needs while your prop is "in the line of fire" on camera and the shot is contingent on it working; A logical transition.
@@CroisMoi that's helping people who need help. I was a lifeguard for the first decade of my life and then i needed real money. Doing props on film sets is more like denying your own needs and narcissist-enabling. I did it until it almost killed me. Worst job for a person who grew up not being permitted to have boundaries. I got paid well and it gave me validation. If I did well I didn't get fired. I was very good at "not being seen" or simply "not being" until I was needed.
@@ATeitter Yes, it is helping people. But you can become over involved in the outcome, when some people will not do what is necessary, like stop drinking. It is easy to do that. Your old job sounds very interesting. I can imagine an actor would be challenged to not become even more self centered due to having slaves on set.
Oh my gosh!! I just found you and identified with every aspect of parentification in childhood, shyness and hypervigilance in every situation, as well as sitting in seriousness. I want to tap into that playful part of myself and have it be independent of the people around me.
You are me! I cannot believe the details of the feelings of the dislike for small talk, about running out of the social crap and all the truth of abuse - whatever kind there was - and am struggling. Your advice is accepted gratefully. Breathing. I'll do three beats, I have a prayer that go's on three lines. I was never a kid. At six, I said to myself "You must never have children. You might have a son and die and leave him in this situation which is not right and a nightmare. And one more thing: raise yourself kid, cause no one here cares about you and they all have their heads up their butts." I can't believe how correct a six-year old could be. Mom resurfaced later and I ended up caring for HER. That started at 14. I mean, you hit all the points so crazy in my life and it's wonderful to know there is someone else like me.
Such a great topic! I appreciate how you share your life experiences. My brother and I were just discussing how hypervigilance was such a strong part of our personalities from being raised by a narcissistic family member.
I relate so much to this. I am now in therapy, and I struggle to be open with myself about how things really happened as a child. I also have an obsession with making sure that kids' innocence is preserved, because they deserve it. I can cry easily when talking about kids being mistreated.
My mother had what I believe to be several personality disorders but all existed under the cover of her narcissism. We were there to please the people she cared about and make her look good. Because every situation required a different "act", there was no constant behavioral standard. You could get in trouble for almost any way of acting, so hyper-vigilance was on steroids trying to learn the "current' pattern needed for a given situation.
You hit so many of the bullet points of my experiences as an adult. Learning that i am safe is my current struggle, especially as I'm trying to develop a support system knowing i can't rely on my family.
All I can say is God sent you to me!! This is the pure truth of my childhood I was the Mom the cook the maid the babysitter responsible for my brother and sister and there health and happiness baths food everything I was 30 at the age of 6. Now I lost my Mom this year October 18, 2022 along with and also my controlling husband of 31 years May2, 2022 and now I don’t know what to do with myself.. aim not caring for me and it’s hard to watch.. Thank you for this video!! It answered so much..😢
I had a hard time learning to take care of myself after my mom passed away in 2018. I am 55 and I've had to isolate with my husband because I'm trying to learn to take care of myself and not others. I slept for 4 months and just started to wake up. The medications my doctor prescribed to me made me sleep and after that 4 months sleeping, I discovered that I was healing from cptsd. Still finding parts of me.
My parents always treated my sister, and I like adults when we were younger. Whenever we made a mistake, their attitude towards us was, "You should have known better (we were 5 or 6 years old)." I realized later in life that we were audulified and didn't have much of a chance of being a kid. Now, I'm on a journey to listen to that inner child voice when I can ❤
Thank you so much for this video, every word resonated with my own experience. I was born prematurely and my mum had me at 16, quickly had my siblings after and was sadly a single parent. Although she did her very best, I remember being very ‘wise’ and mature early on. ‘The good girl’ that was obedient and had her head in books to escape the chaos of real life. My emotional needs were not met, and we experienced trauma within the family. As an adult I’m all the things you mentioned and I’ve been in therapy this year to help with avoidant attachment and low self esteem. Watching your videos has really helped me this year and I think I’m slowly starting to heal. Doing inner child work with my therapist is hard, but also rewarding and I hope will help me in the future.
Very few people had an healthy childhood. They are alliens among us humans with complex trauma from our early years, so important years. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, emotional neglect are so often found in our childhoods, in our unhealthy childhoods. In my case, until I started working with my therapist I was not aware of my unhealthy childhood, I was considering that my childhood was pretty much OK, normal, nothing much to say, no traumatic event. Now after few months in therapy I have the knowledge, I know what science says about my normal childhood- I grow up in a dysfunctional family because my parents were not equipped emotionaly for raising children, for dealing with stress, poverty. Narcissistic father and bpd mother. I was surprised to find out in my thirties that I was emotionally abused, that so called education that I received was the most part extremely unhealthy and toxic for a child's brain. Plus the emotional neglect and results an young adult who is in and out various episodes of depression, between this episodes feeling that is on autopilot, not knowing anything about triggers, about cptsd, not having the skills to manage emotions, and feeling so confused about the roots of this mental health struggle. Recently I have fallen in love with this science, with psychology. It brought in my life so much sense, reason. Now with the knowledge and skills that psychology is offering I can have hope. 💕
Thank you for being here and for sharing this....I love that you are finding knowledge and healing in understanding the nature of trauma and of your own story. Sending love on your journey❤
It's not your job to save everyone. And it's not your fault people are the way they are. They would be that way regardless if you're there or not. Much love and great content!
I watch several channels on this topic, but the way you approach it almost makes me cry, so relatable it is. And reading the comments here, oh my gosh. Not having kids bcs family feels inherently unsafe a place to be? To live your life painfully independent bcs you feel the only person you can rely on is yourself? To be unable to dance in public? To sweat whenever you enter an unknown social circle? To be actually ostricised for your coping strategies by the very people who inflicted those upon you? I'm relieved to see someone understands but also so sad to see so many of you guy went through this too.
So glad I found this video. I’ve always said as a child I felt like a short 40 year old. I’m sorry for the experiences some of the folks posting have gone through but I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
My hypervigilence carried over in school and then in work. I hated kindergarten to last day of work b4 retirement. Once retired and living on my own the weight lifted from me, bring able to be alone. No i never got married nor do i have a partner or friend. I used to exoerience panic attacks. But also i acted out sexually with men as a young woman as for me it was how i got positive attention. Uh so glad to have this period of bring alone and retired. Not looking forward to old age home i will be miserable. Note i went to eap 20 yrs during work was told i had cpstd.
So true. I was never a child too. 51 now and finally working on this. Special me time works for me with breathing, relaxing, nice food, dancing, doing things for no reason…
Thank you Kim. Thanks to you I now understand why I am a nervous and hypervigilant person. My nerves are so on constant edge and high alert all the time, whenever I go out and am around people. I am 65 and wish I wasn't this way. But at least now I can have compassion for myself. Thank you!!
Thank you so very much! Everything you said resonates with me. I was the oldest child with a schizophrenic/alcoholic mother and a narcissistic father who left when I was six years old. He later was forced to take full custody and took his anger out on me. There was no childhood .
Kim, you have a beautiful, healing spirit. 💗 So many of us have been living on the edge for far, far too long. Knowing we are not alone makes me cry for relief, and also sadness. But step by step we can heal and be free. Much love to all of the "Children" longing to breathe.💗🙏💗☘️
Adele- EASY ON ME "Go easy on me, baby. I WAS STILL A CHILD didn't get the chance to FEEL the world around me!! I HAD NO TIME TO CHOOSE, WHAT I CHOSE TO DO" Song been on repeat for weeks!
OMG - I literally had the lyrics up on my phone and was going to add them or use them, and I think I got distracted lol. I think making a video on how our childhoods show up in our own parenting, using this song, could really be a great video! You read my mind! Thank you so much for sharing this!!🙏♥
TV gets a bad rap but honestly I credit old sitcoms like The Brady Bunch and I Love Lucy and Green Acres for giving me some joy and comfort in my childhood
In my mid 50's I have been doing this healing journey for a few decades. I am always trying to fix myself, worrying, everyday. In the last few years since the pandemic I have been doing inner child work. Reliving my upbringing by doing art in my home, dancing, playing fetch with my dog, watching my favorite shows and eating snacks. What you said I can relate not remembering a carefree or happy experience in my childhood. I have such gratitude to be able to experience things I missed. Thank you for sharing your truth..feels like my story.
My now a working adult on my own. My needs are being taken care of through a job I adore and gives me financial stability. Now that I don't have uni taking precedence in my mind, and I don't have to worry about money, and meeting people who genuinely want to be there for me, my trauma is flaring up. I overreact and I'm always hypervigilant and if I'm being honest, I put that person through the wringer on a daily basis. I couldn't handle being friends with someone like me. I have disorganized attachment style so I constantly pull in, push away. Wanting love, being scared when its given to me, push away, then spiral when they're distant and blame them for not meaning what they said about wanting me in their life. I prayed and I asked God for help, to be better, as I'm isolating myself and taking the weekend to heal and reset. I saw this video on my homepage, which I've been meaning to watch for a while. Thank you for making this. It felt like my file was being read. LOL. But it feels good to be validated, and to know I'm not as bad as I think I am.
I would love if you made a video about cooking & “the kitchen” relating to mom trauma! It’s so relevant, food can hold a lot of memory (good or bad) - but also an opportunity to explore those memories, go back and redo things under new terms, us now in the adult role. I think there’s a correlation between narcissist moms and being stay-at-home-moms, the domestic stuff has always been a trigger for me since mine wielded anything related to “the home” as though it were carefully guarded territory, stomping around, clanging pans, weird rules, etc. also: pretty sure there’s a strong link to eating disorders
Thank you so much for your support here - it really is a little dream for me to see if I can find a way to join two of my greatest passions.❤And yes, I can totally see what you are saying about the narc combo and the majority of the women I have worked with who have ED's of some kind- have had either an untreated Narcissistic and/or BPD or combo type of mom...
I'm tired. No I'm exhausted. I'm completely isolated. 4 year's ago I went into my room and shut the door for 3 month's. The only time I came out was to get food or use the restroom then I was back in my room. I did nothing but lay in bed and listen to music. Nothing triggered me. Nothing upset me. Nothing influenced me to take the steps I did. I just went into my room and shut the door. I could and can feel people's energy around me and quite a distance away. I was more active at night when everyone was asleep and appliances were on low or off. When there's less movement. I would research whatever I could get my hands on. Part of this phase I believe was a spiritual awakening for me. At least it resonated with me on many points. I left my room. at about 3 1/2 month's. My husband welcomed me back to the world. I havent left my property in almost 4 year's. I'm no longer isolated to my room, but I am to my property. Now in all honesty I reside in the Sequoia National Forest. I have a creek running through my property and the forest beyond that. I rescue pittues and I'm out in nature with my dog's throughout the day. I'm not stuck in an apartment with just a balcony as my only means of being in nature. My physical body is s mess. My lymph nodes at the base of my skull and my throat are so swollen that my chin is now in my chest. I can't lift my head nor turn it left or right. I'm constantly looking down. I was beginning to get help right before the pandemic and was told if I didn't get vaccinated I wouldn't be able to get care. I haven't gone back since that visit. I refused to be vaccinated and thankfully I've never been sick with any covid like symptoms. I navigate life with the disabilities I have. I've lived this way and like this for almost 4 year's as I stated. If I need something my husband gets it for me or I shop online. I made up my own job to make money when the pandemic hit. I buy luxury handbags through online auctions and restore them then resale them on certain site's. It's not a comfortable living just yet, but it is paying the bils. I've survived 5 family suicides, 4 family murders. One as recent as this past January. Death has been a constant in my life from a young age. When I was five year's old my babysitter took her own life in our bathroom. I was the only one home. I sat outside the bathroom door for hour's after I saw her and had no idea what to do or how to call for help. I thought I was brave being able to be that strong. I didn't cry because I was trained not to. Crying wasn't allowed in my household when I was a child. It's hard for me to even relate to being a child. I have no clue how to be a child or what it entails. My life has been one challenge to the next. Very rarely did I not have to have my guard up. I could write a novel of the truama I experienced, but this isn't the appropriate place to do that. Sharing what I have shared already took a great deal of effort for me. Vulnerability isn't my strong suit. Whenever I am people take advantage so I simply don't allow myself that privilege. I just wanted to share that I don't know what it's like to be a child. I would have no idea how to go about doing so. I have no memories of ever being carefree ever. I really tried to think of a time I ever was and for the life of me I just can't. I thought I was the very few whom felt this way. but after this video and the comment section I'm finding I'm definitely not the only one. I don't find confort in the fact that I'm not. Seeing others suffer and struggle is heartbreaking to me. I wish none you have the pain you have. It was just eye opening knowing I wasn't the only one. I appreciate your videos they have helped in giving me an understanding and a way of putting things in context that I didn't understand before. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me share a little part of myself and my story with you. I'm truly grateful.
I do apologize for this & I hope you find healing within to heal your wounds of this. It’s not good or healthy to isolate yourself like that which I had to realize this last year of 2022. Heavy isolation does has a lot to do with this type of trauma of not having a childhood. I noticed I developed a ‘avoidance attachment’. These emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature or distant parents don’t realize what they create inside their children. I isolated for months on end last year after November 2022. I stayed in bed for 7 days straight without getting up. I cut off everything in my room & stayed there months. I was not in a happy space and wanted to be isolated from the world. I know this feeling but I had to force myself to awake.
Wow,you talked about me the whole time! I feel sad for myself, for being anxious all the time,& think about everything that can go wrong! I can’t remember anyone talk to me in my childhood but my friends! 😢
good video thanks. When people ask me if I have children, I say 'I had them too young', when they ask when that was 'I had two when I was born.' Sadly it's not funny. I'm 63, had no children of my own, and still trying to gain the trust of my very wounded inner child. My vigilance, paranoia, rescuer peacemaker and catastrophiser is still embedded, all I can do is be aware, accept and embody which allows my body to tell you its truth.
Even during my years of attending ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) twelve-step meetings, I never met anyone else who identified with parentification. It's so nice to hear it legitimized. I lost an older sister and my father before I was ten. I was left with a grieving mother and disabled older sister, both of whom chose alcohol to deal with their emotional issues. I tried very hard to be the peacemaker and the emotional support for both of them. I walked on eggshells at home and so I spent as much time as I could on the streets with my friends, then jumped from the proverbial frying pan into the fire by marrying young as a way out.
I think it's a great idea to combine cooking and therapy. Would be like having dinner at your really awesome therapists house! Maybe even a live stream every so often would be good for interaction with your subs.Thanks for the videos and tips for coping. It's nice to hear from someone that understands how hard it is to be us. I wish you lived in my area I would definitely want to be your patient. I've had all bad luck with many therapists, so now I go it alone with the help of YT. 🤷♂️
Thank you for your feedback here! I would love to do a live but I have been terrified to do it alone! I am working up to it and I love your idea!!! I'm so sorry you've had bad luck with therapists. Sending love.❤
@@DrKimSage If you can find them still online, I suggest you watch a few episodes of "Lunch with Bokara". Bokara Legandre would host discussions over lunch with various spiritual leaders and have wonderful discussions over lunch which she prepared. I truly miss her programs. You could do something like that with one or more guests dealing with psychology instead of (or with) philosophy. Just food for thought. Whatever you do, I'm sure it would be great, just be true to self and make it your own. Best wishes.
I subscribed. You had me at ‘rotate around a parent’, which I had never heard before but is a phrase that clearly describes the fear and exhaustion of childhood. Look forward to catching more insights with your help.
Great video, this explains why I have 2 anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Hypervigilance is directly tied, makes total sense. Having to constantly read the parent to see if it's nice parent or scary parent. I also have fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized and that makes total sense too that that would come from having to be so hypervigilant.
Thank you for this amazing video…I too was “born an adult” as my Mom used to say. This helps me understand why. My one activity that I’ve always credited for keeping me sane is being in nature. In these particularly crazy times we are in, I make it a point to spend time every day working in my garden…it brings me childlike joy every time.❤
I never had a childhood - the past few years in my 50’s i’ve gone NC with blood family and finally began living a childhood in an adult body. I’ve discovered who i am finally - and now matured thru this process. It’s a horrible thing to go thru, yet beautiful aspects in discovery - much sadness and grief in what i never had and what i lost. A lifetime of abuse -tragic, but my reality.
I have never related to something more. Oldest of 5 to young parents with some unaddressed mental health issues. Never felt attached to my parents, nrver felt like a kid. I just started counseling i plan to talk about the stuff in this video.
I'm received to hear you say social settings can be hard. That's how I feel about extended family events...I'm always on gaurd b/c of childhood issues.
@11:10 Kim!! We are not so different after all. I was just saying this to someone. That I feel this weird guilt the day after going to a social event that was super surface level. It affects my whole mood the next day.. I feel empty and hopeless. I didn’t know that also had to do with CPTSD. The hyper vigilance is bad but then I also feel like if I healed it, something bad would happen. My hyper vigilance has been affirmed many times through me witnessing something traumatic happening, after I scanned the environment and assumed it would. That’s why it’s so hard to heal, because a lot of my CPTSD symptoms feel so necessary, even my logical mind struggles to reason why I should let them go.
My mom always joked that I was a 40 year old at age 4. Now I know why that wasn't funny and I have no children, nor have I ever felt the world to be a safe place. Im the poster child for hyper-vigilance at 47.
Thank you for this video.
The world is definitely not a safe place.
I also have no children. I grew up knowing that being a child was a hard difficult job and I think I never wanted to expose my children to such hard life.
I love you Amy 🌸 you deserve to feel safe
I also have no children, I wanted everything to be right (perfect) so I could have a family and raise children in a stress-free, loving environment and of course, it never was.....
I was called the 'old soul', and I learned that marriage wasn't safe. Been single all my life and I'm 62.
"....we came out of the womb like thirty-year-old divorced people...." That line leveled me because of how spot-on it is.
oh god, that's so astute :/
omg that is so true.
My mother had fourteen kids and we were poor, my mother was born with no feet and she had a hunch back which took her life,,I now in my seventies Lissening to you has helped me understand the life we had,,.
I remember as a young adult I would detach from social situations with friends. Like, we are hanging in the living room just talking. I couldn’t relate to them. I felt like an Alien of some sort. I would come home to an empty house, I was terrified the 30 minutes before my mother came home. I didn’t know who I was going to get. Most times an angry bully who yelled at me for hours about everything. Everything bad in her life was my fault. I was the abortion she regretted not having. I was her maid, her punching bag, her mother, her savings account, a thing, not her child, not her daughter and not a human being. But a thing to be used as she needed. I still have to remind my mother I’m a person. Because she still acts like I’m not suppose to have emotions or opinions. I don’t wanted kids because the idea of having to deal with their emotions is overwhelming. Thanks for making this video. I thought I was alone.
SHE IS ME, I IS SHE 😔 Minus I always wanted kids to NOT parent like her, and I do have a beautiful 8 yr old. And I am determined to not let her feel the way I do on inside.
Go no contact asap.
I am so sorry you had to grow up that way, and you are definitely not alone. Sending love ♥
Me too. I wish I could say eventually things get better but here I sit at 52 years old trying to make my deceased mother see me as a human being. Prayers be with you as you navigate these very real feelings and hoping you find peace before it is too late. 💕
You told my story. Thanks for helping me face my truth
You are describing me exactly. That was my childhood. Hyper vigilance and Parentification. I too never had a childhood. At age 73, I'm running out of options. I've been in survival mode for several years. Pray for me. Chuck
It's never too late. Seek a good therapist. Find that abused child in you and create love and warmth for yourself. Much love xxx
I am 73 and suffered as you say.
One day, my sister said to me in an accusatory, envious tone, "You gotta be the older sister!". I was completely shocked. I told her it was NO PRIZE being held responsible for everything that happened to her and the rest of the family. That I loved her as my own child but I never got to be a child. She is my only living relative of our original family and she's shut me out of her life. Her childhood wasn't great either. But, I forgive her because she does not know what I know and she doesn't want to hear it. But I'm fine with that.
When I turned 70 I realized I don't have to be responsible for anyone but myself and that is a huge relief! But that doesn't mean I don't care about others or feel unnecessary. It means I get to be the kid I never got to be and don't need to apologize to anybody!
I hope you can embrace this and do the same.
Hi Chuck I feel you I started ACOA 1 year ago age 64 my head was telling me that I’m too old I should be ok with it at my age yada yada yada
It was the best thing I ever did I’m no longer alone and I don’t think in that self deprecation of I’m too old I should get over it !! Wishing you well on your journey 💜💜
Lord GOD, be with Chuck. Cover him Lord and watch over him. Fill him with your perfect peace. May he feel and know your grace Lord Jesus. Heal his heart and soul of burden. Send down Angels to surround him and watch over him. Christ Jesus open his mind, heart and soul to trust in YOU completely. This man needs rest. Lord Jesus Christ I ask this in your Holy name. You are the only son of GOD the Father, The Almighty. Hear my prayer. Your will be done Lord.
Amen.
Of course we can learn to play and let go. Start by pretending and mimicking what a child would do when playing.
In that practice you will find moments of joy!
So go play!
Hope this helps. U can do it! ;-)
I was never a child 😢 had to take care of my little sister and mom when my dad left. My life has been one trauma after another. Still here now.. Life is so hard.
Sending love to you today♥
You are not alone. I became a mother at 5 1/2 when my sister was born and my dad left, but my parents were married and my mom stepped out of their marriage and had a baby by another man. I was her protector, provider, and literal mother that young. My mother put everything on my shoulders and every time I went to my father’s for my visits, I would get so sick from worrying about her I couldn’t hardly enjoy the break I had from the chaos… we do recover and I am sending you big hugs and hope you know you are worthy of whatever makes you happy.
@@amberturley5250 hope life is better for you hugs back to ya
@@Pattim4762 it gets a little better all the time. At least now I understand why I felt the way I did for so long and it’s not just because I’m broken without cause. It became fixable once there was identification of the problem. I still don’t have a good relationship with my mother, but I have been able to work towards being the best mother I can be to my two daughters. Maybe I was here to break a pattern in my family, because my mothers mom had two daughters and they both have issues from their relationship with their mother and their grandmother before them had a similar relationship with my grandmother, so it’s an ongoing process, but it has to end with someone and I most definitely don’t want my babies to ever feel the way I did for so long… thank you❤️
Same here. My stepfather died and I had to take care of my little sister and BPD mother.
If you didn’t come from a healthy family.. do your best to make sure a healthy family comes from you.. my mission since understanding how generational trauma been passed on to me🖤 break the cycle 😵💫
I broke the cycle! 3 generations on both sides of alcohol abuse and messed up children that messed up their children. I am sooo proud of my three grown children, they are incredible human beings and I am proud that I took a stand and didn’t use excuses to do the same to my kids. I also had an alcohol problem, in the early years of my kids lives I was still drinking but it did not have any detrimental effects on my kids thank god, but I did manage quit before anything did go wrong. I’m proud of my achievement and the love for my kids was powerful enough for me to want change and a better life for them.
I hope I am a cycle breaker. I am far from perfect but I can at least admit that. We shall see as my oldest is a junior in high school. So far he is better than I can even hope for. Brave, resilient and kind. My 2 younger daughters amaze me daily.
@@amberinthemist7912 sounds like you already have. Isn’t it an absolute joy to see your kids shine :) that is what I can not understand, why did our parents not want the same for us? Anyway it is what it is. If you can admit to not being perfect then I think that’s the key. If you are able to pull yourself up when you do make mistakes then that’s great! I have three kids two and it has been the greatest blessing of my life to watch them grow into decent, kind, likeable and fun adults. It goes way too quick, my youngest turns 20 next week snd I cried for two weeks when my first born left home, he live 3 kms away lol. I hated it. Make the most of every second. X
@@KiwikimNZ They did want better....fewer people intentionally f up their lives or kids lives. The victim/survivor shaming absolutely needs to stop!!
YES! My mother was a great teacher, She taught me how NOT to treat my children
I was never a kid. I raised two siblings from the age of ten. Hyper vigilance is my middle name. I have never felt safe in life to this day.
Same....always say I've been a mother since 10...it's all I know.
😢
I so understand - sending love to you and your nervous system♥
Same, I had to take care of my sister throughout my life. I eventually emancipated myself at 16 and I had been moving around since I was 12 and I ended up getting custody of my younger sister. When I was an adult I ruined a few relationships because I was too busy trying to hangout with my friends because I didn’t really experience that closeness with someone as a child.
Strange how at the age of 10 we are seen as enough of a person to take on so many responsibilities yet still be a “child”
Always scanning for a threat.... very powerful and it saddens me. A safe happy childhood is so very important for adults.
Looking back, I realized that my parents knew I was hyper-vigilant to any changes in their moods. They used it to control me. When the phone rang or someone came over to the house, they miraculously were no longer in a state of meltdown. When the company left, the nightmare restarted. I have since learned that I am not responsible for their moods. I mind my own business and the Lord has lifted my burden. 🧡
The same happened in my family. Mom would be screaming and screaming and screaming at one of us, then the phone would ring. She would answer calmly and with a sweet lilt in her voice, like someone threw a switch. She was very protective of her image to outsiders even as she terrorized us at home. Nobody would ever see or believe how nasty and vicious she could be. I've gone full no contact in the past few years (I'm early 50's). I haven't made any big announcement about it, but I've told individual family members on a need-to-know basis (and my mom knows they know) that I'm full no contact with her and she isn't welcome in my home. I'm not participating in her game of charades anymore. I feel liberated like I never thought I could feel at my age. They won't change as they get older. I hope you are referring to "no contact" in your comment. You deserve better.
@@rhino5100 My mother died. Now, I am low contact with the rest of the family. They can longer read my emotions. I am polite and that is all. I am free. Best wishes 🧡
Mother was a stay-at-home parent, but was too lazy to do any housework or raise her own kids. I was given the responsibility to cook, make sure the house was clean, and take care of my disabled younger brother and little sister. My two older brothers didn't have much responsibility...it was all put on me because I was the elder girl. I didn't get medical care, vision care, or dental care as needed because my needs were unimportant. I was never allowed to ask for anything, express an opinion, or speak out of turn. Mother barked orders at me like I was a hired servant, constantly yelled at me, belittled me, and criticised me. I had to keep my mouth shut and to be hypervigilant about doing everything as quickly, efficiently, and expertly as possible to avoid harsh punishment...but still got punished because nothing I did was ever good enough for my mom.
I am sorry you had that happen to you. I hope you have a more supportive group of people in your life now.
@@camellia8625 I was married to a narcissist for 22 years. He treated me the same way mother did. I am now single and taking care of my disabled 56-yr-old brother who came to live with me when our mother died 7 yrs ago. Things are good now. Our life is peaceful. We are doing well. I thank you for your kind words. ❤️
@@bambiwinchester1136 that’s good to hear . I can’t wait for my narc mom to die 💕
I am so sorry. What a narcissist was that "mother". I honestly don't know how to get out of this miserable life they gave us...
I understand, I had the same experience. Social services in their report called me a cinderella, but also in their report they denied the abuse and physical injury (back of my head was cut open by a sharp shoe heel) that was reported by my schoolteacher
The only place i feel safe is alone...its that simple. I spent my life caring for others from the age of 4 untill about 2 years ago at 48 , now i just close myself off , and im good with that. It makes family rhink i dont care ,but i do i just dont have the energy to interact anymore. My mind ,body and soul ,are simply wore out.
Was never a child. Took care of my little sister and my alcoholic mother. Was praised for being so caring and taking care of everyone. Was so proud of myself. Now realize that as I was doing that, I felt no feelings. Never found out anything about myself. Only thing that mattered was taking care of "them" . Carried through to adulthood. Don't even know how to feel my own feelings.
You need a safe space where you can relax. All your needs taken care of, apartment, food, transportation. Going to teach English in Asia works. Then you can be childlike, make friends, live a simple life, cook food you love, live for yourself.
EXACTLY 💯 I was caregiver for my father and mother so I was an indentured servant so trying to please her into my 50s. If she or my dad or my "little brother" were still alive there's no way I could be able to get clean. My mom got highly pissed cause I went into rehab she was afraid I would get clean and stop getting pain pills and benzos off the street for them. I had already went to jail getting Mom and Dad's Percocets...at least my mom felt guilty and bonded me out and paid for my lawyer and fines/fees.
I wish I had caring big sister like you. But I had selfish big sister who would never help. And useless father who cheated and lived away from us. So I tried to help my narcissistic mother as much as I could. And she was never satisfied and blame me. So now as a adult I'm so sour with that resentment against my family and it's finally a time to abandon the toxic people in my life then they abandoned me.
You said this so perfectly.
getting a feeling wheel and needs chart might help
I've always felt like I was never a child, but never an adult either. It's like I've been stuck in a limbo state of mid-pubescence, always treated like my emotions were spurious fits of hormonal fluff or anything of equivalent frivolity, while simultaneously being expected from an early age to be a masseuse, a homemaker, a cleaner, a cook, a scholar, an IT technician, a handyman, a best friend, and a confidant to people who were meant to be parents. I feel stuck in this perpetual limbo and I don't think I will ever find an escape.
💗 We can and will escape! Carry on, take time to recover and take it easy. See what the next steps are to do so and when you're ready you know. ☝🏽💖🌌💫
This is extremely relatable.. I say to myself often "I'm like a child stuck being an adult" and it's so confusing because I'm 30, I AM an adult but my inner workings are so messed up that I have no idea where I am anymore in time space.. I cling to God and He constantly shows me the validity and love I didn't receive from my parents. My mom is a narcissist and my dad was a drunk. Both failed me immensely with their neglect and abuse.
You expressed this state of being so well.
😔
@@eligefashion exactly my parents...
By age 5, I sat still in church, unmoving, like an adult for 2 hours, or got spanked when I returned home. I had no children to play with until age 8. As an only child for 6 years of socially backward parents, I was constantly around grandparents, great aunts, and uncles who I gravitated to for the love and warmth missing at home. To this day, I still relate to the older generation more than my own. My brother arrived when I turned 6, and was allowed to be a child with lots of early friends, the long awaited for son. Brought up on two different planets, he continues the toxic patterns of home, while I’ve worked tirelessly to heal and break them the last 30 years. I worked so hard to protect him and save him from my story. I envy those that have a sibling to share/bear the burden of home with. When you save them from your nightmare, you’re just left with an ungrateful, disrespectful, entitled adult who passes the dysfunction onto another generation. Sometimes your childhood well earned saviour complex comes back to bite you in the ass. 😅
I am so sorry for all you endured🙏🙏
💗🙏✌️I understand more than you can know & im so sorry you went through that. Also it’s wonderful that you’re on your OWN healing journey🥰🔥
💗
Understand. No, your efforts were not in vain. It's his bad. And you are so much more mature for it. Keep looking for good friends. Life only gets better with such a childhood. We too had to go to church religiously three times a week and sit motionless for two or more hours listening to incoherent babble. It was a very peculiar, unusual and specific kind of torture. If I could speak to these kinds of parents, I would be furious and tear them to shreds. Awful people. Their egos are leading the way. Carrying inter-generational nonsense.
I'm not against reading the Bible or Christianity, but 10 minutes is sufficient. Not five hours every second day. There is reasonableness and then there is extreme insanity.
I was my mother's emotional dumping ground unfortunately. She's also quite critical. I've been in therapy and doing inner child work. I bought myself some teddies to replace the ones mum burned. I've been reading some Dr Seuss books to myself. Got back into my art. Been trying to not judge myself. Been trying to focus on self love to counteract all that criticism I've faced from my family. I worked out that deep down I felt like I was a bad person. The messages that I took on from childhood were things like they don't love me so I need to change. I need to protect them from the truth of what is happening because they can't handle it. Just because my parents can't love me in the way I need to be loved doesn't mean I'm not worthy of being loved. Much love and healing to all 🌈🧡✌️
❤ same to you ! You got this !
I'm so sorry for your negative and painful experiences. Love yourself. You deserve it.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing...teddies my mum has burned...I am very relating with that. Just in my case dolls and paper dolls which I adored, but for her it was such a mess.
@@Nuttyynut sorry you relate so much, make some paper dolls or get yourself a new doll. It's a gift to that little girl who lost her comfort items 💚💚💚
I LOVE THIS 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍👏👏👏👏👏
As a man caring for my mother, only child...I look back and realize I was also never a child. I have mini moments I can recall but then I'm back to remembering how I had to survive in a household of chaos.
I don’t want to go back to that either’ what is a ‘care-free child’ ?? I surely never had that.
I only recently realised that I woke up every morning of my childhood, in deep despair..
I’ve believed I’m super shy and sensitive all my life -
but through therapy I’m coming to the conclusion I’m just highly traumatized individual!!
My ‘shyness’ is actually the deep fear of my unsafe surroundings!
This is quite mind-blowing for me.
Wow I've always been super shy and sensitive too my whole life and shamed over and over again for both those things. I've never thought about it like that - how you put it - deep fear of unsafe surroundings/trauma. It's something to think about.
Yes, this all sounds so familiar and I so understand. I am so sorry you have been so traumatized and I am hoping your therapy continues to nurture and support your healing.❤
@@iloveTool Yes, all very related in many regards...shyness and sensitivity have been researched and can be passed on so that makes a traumatic childhood even more impactful given our genetics...🙏
💚
I was never a child and moving back to my home town has brought me so much trauma I didn’t even know I had I’m healing!!
That hometown thing is important. That’s why it was my goal to get out of that hometown because it reminded me of personal trauma, pain, depression, neglect, and misfortunes. We have to learn to stay away from things that remind us of that, I’m hoping you’re able to relocate when you have the opportunity to do so.
I was never a child. I had very grown up responsibilities, starting at 8 years old. I was responsible for the care of my older siblings. I never had the free fun most kids feel. I was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything that was related to being a carefree kiddo. The only time I felt it was when I was outside, with my cat and alone. People always ask me how I know how to do so many things, it was because I was forced when I was a kid. I never got along with girls in my age group, still effecting me to this day at 47. At 15, it was the first time I said NO to my family and omg, I thought I was going to die. They got mad but for the first time in my life, I slept without guilt. I'm still undoing a lot of garbage, because I repeated it in my marriage. I am reintroducing myself to art in all forms of creativity and exploration, I have moved to a tiny apartment with my 2 cats and bulldog and I am LIVING life again. I'm making a creamy potato and leek soup for myself and my son tonight. He is bringing his art project to show me. Can't wait!
So you’re a single mom? Definitely not doing to your son what was done to you lol
@@BikingVikingHH Nope I"m not..thanks!
@@BikingVikingHH wow - that was a horrible and miserable thing to say? You really need to remove this horrible comment from here - it is a disgrace! @txspacemom is doing a brilliant job - even you can feel it in her fantastic words. Her single mother status it is utterly fucking irrelevant? Got it? Now remove your remark - better still apologise to @txspacemom? And even better listen to Kim Sage and do the fucking work on your miserable soul? All these souls here are trying to free themselves whilst you are trying to lock them up in your little one person pity party. Listen to Kim!!
As a child I was the caretaker and raised myself. My adult life is completely lacking, still on my own taking care of myself. Tired of not having someone providing me the support I need on this journey. When will someone choose to care about me.
At the 2 minute mark.... when you said you didn't remember ever being like that young carefree girl... I had to stop and take a breath! THOSE SAME WORDS ARE WHAT CAME TO MY MIND WHEN I LISTENED TO THAT QUOTE!!! I doooonnnn't remember ever really being carefree or a child. I was never safe. I was never at ease. I was never a child. So yes I can relate.
Whenever people say, “Don’t you wish you could be a kid again?” I’m always like “🤨 wtf no, I hated being a kid.”
Then that tells me that other people had carefree childhoods. I did not.
Something I have been doing that is giving me some space & helping me unwind at the end of the day is so do word searches. I remember being made fun of & being told “those are EASY.” So what?? Not everything you do has to be hard for it to be worth anything. Work is already exhausting & I’m a part time grad student as well. I have no brain power left to give. Doing word searches on physical paper has been nice & I really loved them as a kid.
I never felt carefree, the thought of going back to childhood is a terrifying thought!
“I’ll fight to be a woman with a little girls heart”❤ very powerful
Yes! This is my story too. I have never felt nurtured, safe, protected, carefree, but like you it was always a constant state of fight, flight, freeze. Uncertainly, chaos, no structure and feeling like I would be abandoned all the time. That was my childhood years, then I became the parent of a parent, where I was always the one that had to be sensible, responsibility and pressure was my life from about 12 onwards, still today at 53, I have never felt safe, or off guard. Unfortunately I chose a husband, who I have been with a parent too rather than a partner. I have always been the responsible one, the peacemaker, the one who picks up the pieces … the caregiver to everyone. Then I chose Nursing as a career :) I’ve never know what it’s like to be carefree or to relax. I have always worked extremely hard, people pleased and I feel so much guilt if I do not save everyone, because I know what it’s like to hurt. I know I am responsible for taking on this role and because of taking on this role I feel totally exhausted, my cup was empty a long time ago. I do not begrudge being kind or helping others, I feel it is my calling, but I realise there needs to be boundaries and I am now ok at saying no. I finally at 49, with the help of a intuitive healer, learned to love myself, I had hated myself my whole life and I had neglected myself. With self love, came self nurturing, a feeling of peace and gratitude, I stopped caring about what others thought of me and how much time and energy was wasted worrying about what others thought, now I truly do not care, because I like who I am, I’m a good person and I do not need approval from anyone else but myself. My life has not been easy, but I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through what I had gone through, so I focus on gratitude and the blessings in my life. You can’t go back and change things but you can change who you want to become in the future. I refuse to feel broken or that my future can not be carefree, I choose how I want to respond to the world around me, sure I still do get anxious and worry, but I am a whole lot better at letting it go than I used to be and I will continue to make a life that is meaningful and on my own terms. I have the power to do so and will no longer give my power away. If I can get there anyone can. We are what we think!
:(
I was the trophy kid! I sat, I spoke when spoken to, I didn’t get dirty, I took care of my little brother who was the next best thing to god.
I let my kids be kids! I let them make choices! I give them space but I have to know where they are at all times
Love the way you speak about your own kids❤
Sewing has really unlocked that creative and care free child like sense for me. I tend to focus on Victorian dresses and cosplay, so imagination is front and center.
Bringing the 2D into 3D gives me a thrill. It blows me away just looking at an outfit and saying to myself, “you made that. You can do it.”
Still getting used to being noticed though, I’m used to being that “person behind the curtain”.
Thank you for sharing - I love that you sewing is doing this for you❤
Love this, totally relate!
I can identify with this video. Even now as a mature adult I worry about everything and often when I am tired and go to bed, I cannot relax. I will waken up with a very painful neck. I go for long walks in nature and this gives me peace that I never find elsewhere.
I love that nature helps, thank you for sharing. Being out in the "blue and/or green environments" really can act as a beautiful way to regulate ourselves, slow down our fight or flight responses and help us feel grounded to the world and ourselves.❤
@@DrKimSage Thank you.🌻
76 year old clinical psychologist here. I taught in a doctoral Psy d program. Beautiful job you’ve done here. One course I taught was child psychopathology, and what you’ve described here is such an elegant way to explain parentification. Believe me I know. Also, when you are my age, you too will feel the peace of having done the work. Great job.
I SO get it. I have always said that I was born 90 years old. My mother probably had BPD and my "childhood" was filled with chaos and danger.
Wow. 63 years of fearing my father and it has never occurred to me, until now, that I had to be my own parent back then ... in order to feel safe. Heavy.
I spent my whole teens getting drunk to switch off the hyper vigilance , dancing in dark clubs to myself , the only thing that got me through. Today I use AirPods and walks, much healthier . And breathe, breathe, breathe, thanks for being relatable. X
Oh i relate more than you know and I so appreciate you being here and sharing -- and I love the replacement behavior of your music and breathing!!♥
I was never a child. I was always obliged to be the best student and read my self to exhaustation. Starting from 7 in the morning till 22h in the night when I was allowed to return home after a whole day of school and private lessons. Also I had to soothe and be the instrument of my mother in her depression and her war with my dad which included physical violence. My mother never let me play as a kid nor she ever played with me. She never told me bravo for acquiring all the diplomas and degrees she wanted me to get. She always told me I was not good enough and she was never satisfied. Also when I become a young woman she was not letting me date anyone if he did not have money. So she did not love me and she did not let anyone to love me either. She was calling me a who're for wanting to have a man.
This breaks my heart. You are valuable and worth the time to enjoy play. I hope you can find ways to play now that allow you to explore in ways you didn’t get to do as a child. You are worthy of care and attention from others. I hope you find peace and joy.
I can relate the the battery of lessons. I had so many lessons (ballet, piano, flute, gymnastics, tutoring) and high expectations for grades too. I was her show pony. I wanted to stop and she enlisted Dad to give a speech about their "investment" in the lessons and how I had to keep going. Years ago I found a diary from when I was 10 and I had written about being exhausted, feeling like I'm never going to get it all done and how I'm going to fail. I sounded like a middle-aged burnout at 10. I showed it to my mom and she laughed (ignorant laugh) like it was genuinely hilarious as if I'd showed it to her to make her laugh. I wasn't laughing. Her circular logic, "Its not that I expect you to get all A's, I just expect you to do your best, and I'll know you're doing your best when you get all A's." As a kid, I broke down sobbing a few times at the dance lessons from the pressure and the owner of the dance studio would give me a quiet place to sit and cry and buy me a soda out of the machine. My mom couldn't really "see" me, but this other lady did. For my mom, the perfect facade was much more important than me. There was intermittent physical violence in my childhood home, too. The control, the expectation of perfection, and the violence are all familiar.
The magnitude of everything you speak about has hit me since my Grandparents both passed away. They were the outlet of love, care, kindness and warmth that I fought to receive elsewhere. The loss of them, is a loss of stability, being seen, heard and accepted, but I'm trying to hold on to that memory and keep that feeling of love alive. I deserved more.
You did deserve more and I am so deeply sorry for your loss.❤🙏
Ditto to the tee my mom was too busy being into herself and not showing me any affection I so craved so I got it from my grandmother and my father was too busy being a perfectionist and a workaholic and would try to please my mother and so I got punished by him but that was about it except he did help me with homework until I got an A because a B was the statement of you can get an A do it get the A. I always felt never good enough so my grandmother filled in and my grandfather provided for me my cars, a job at his business all my teen years until mid twenties and he helped with my college etc. Then I’m my thirties my husband abandoned me and he took me in again so my grand father was my rock and he just died a month ago of old age. He was 95. I miss him every single moment. 😢
I spent my summers growing up with my grandparents. The unconditional love of my Grandmother literally saved my life.
I read a blurb once: you only need to feel special from 1 person to survive a crappy child hood. I had that much so, maybe that has been my savings grace.
@@kimberlyeyler1031 there are plenty of crap people in this World ready to dump their garbage on you. Don't accept it.
I was raised by a self-centered, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic mother and an enabling father. My big sister was the golden child while I was the scapegoat. From a young age I had to take care of myself and take on everyone else's crap.... As an adult I have to remind myself that I am not responsible for other adults, I don't have to please others, and I'm important.
This describes me exactly. Now 77yrs I look back on being a carer from 7yrs of age for my brother who was three years younger than me. My father had PTSD and my mother was unprepared for marriage and children. I was expected to keep him safe and when he broke into his nursery school at age 4 yrs (I was 7) I got into trouble for “letting him to do it.” I “escaped” at age 18 to go to nursing school in the UK, and then to live in the USA in my 30s. Stayed hyper vigilant and hyper responsible my whole life. Now in my late 70s I find I can finally relax and enjoy life!
For the first time in my life, I am receiving the exact diagnosis of my most troublesome issues. You have described me from A to Z. This is my issue. I am speachless. Saying thank you is not enough.
I never got to feel like a child, a safe little girl or a safe adult...ever
Perfectionist. Super serious. 100%. It’s taken me decades to tap into my inner child self.
When I spend time in nature, it is easiest to forget myself and experience joy. Simple morning walks do the trick.
I recently happened on a series of talks by Henri Nouwen called “Being the Beloved.” He said one thing that made my heart sing. He said to remember we were first loved by God even before we were born, and not even the worst childhood could make us unloved. As I age, I see the wisdom in that insight and in recalling it daily, making it a part of me.
Thank you for sharing this.🙏 Love being in nature too!
My mother (now at 80 with Alzheimer's) admitted years ago that from the time I was 2 years old she'd come to me to solve her problems. She and dad fought all the time and never loved each other. Dad had a girlfriend for 18 years on the side, which came out years later. Mom didn't want to be an adult and work...so she just cried that dad ruined her life and that all men are vile. I have spent my life alone and always was put in the parent role for her, and now, do a degree, my 87 year old dad. I had major digestive issues and painful stomach attacks due to stress from being in such an unhappy house growing up. I was stressed all the time. :-(
I can tell you that you are not alone. Amazing the numbers of us with similar stories. Stay strong.
Mark hyman farmacy and Dr Gundry have had some super helpful videos for me on these things. I’m doing a lot better.
It’s one upside of being a child with a mother from my experience only of course. My interpersonal skills and capacity to get on with anybody came from adapting to the crazy at home. It’s served me well at work and I could throw a ball intentionally into someone’s garden as a child and knock on their door for permission to get it in the hopes I could be invited in and chat. Especially with old people. The tricks of the trade to survive were the unintended positive consequence in my life. But that’s just me. Everyone’s experience is different.
Turning disadvantage in to advantage. Well done Oscar.
So very helpful. Thank you. I like you thought the poem beautiful, but never ever wished to return to the " safety" of childhood. My childhood was spent trying to please a narcissistic parent who doled out acceptance only if I was perfect, and of course, despite my best efforts, I never measured up.Any success I attained academically was a threat. So I just tried even harder to do better, to get 100% on every school assignment or test. I maintained that through 3 years of college, until I snapped. Taking difficult subjects, studying hard, and waitressing evenings to pay for school, I reached the breaking point when my mother said, " Why don't you just be a secretary?" I dropped out after 3 1/2 years and married Mr. Wrong. It was only later that I understood that my graduating from college, earning that degree, having a rewarding career threatened her. She did not want me to succeed. I spent years as a subordinate as a special education assistant teacher. Returning to school was an impossibility as I was a divorced mom raising 5 kids on my own and working full time. It is only in hindsight that I realized I was sabotaged by a parent's insecurities. I am now retired, and have picked up a pen to write. This has become a joy to me, and taking long walks to sky gaze. Drawing and music and reading fill my days as well. I have been able to forgive by God's sweet grace, and become at home in my own body. I know whose I am and His love is unconditional. I can't earn it, or work for it, or do more and try harder to be accepted and valued. He is love and His invitation to sit next to Him is always open. Time does not heal all wounds, Jesus does. He came to heal the broken hearted, break off chains, open prison doors, and free captives. His love is for any and all that will receive it. His forgiveness absolute, His peace all encompassing, His faithfulness never ceases. It is not a performance based relationship. It is resting in His goodness. It becomes about Him, not about me. I hope this helps someone searching for answers.
I was triggered dropping off my daughter at preschool. The administrator at the desk made a comment about my daughter, how carefree she was and how much she missed that as a little girl. I drove to the gym which was my next stop in tears, found myself heading straight for the heavy bags and after that an intense strength training HIIT workout. I was "running" from the pain by putting myself through the ringer, literally drenched and so weak after it was hard to drive home. Thankfully I had just started with a new therapist that understood trauma, she walked me through exactly what happened
I find that I have brought this behaviour into my marriage, I am now hyper vigilant with my husband and I rotate around his mood, it’s all related to fear of abandonment for me, we have been married for 35 years. I am now thankfully, learning to loosen my grip, live more as my authentic self and not be such a people pleaser. I have learned that no matter how hard you try to control your situation/ life, those you love the most will still disappoint you, and if someone does leave your life, you will be ok and you will survive, you may even thrive. Thank you for what you do, it is so helpful to so many people 💙🦋
I am 53 and am just finally working on my childhood trauma and just found out my cortisol level is 183 with severe health issues nobody can figure out.
Thank you for this video because I was crying that I had no idea what that quote was talking about either.
"You're never going to completely erase it and it's a setup to think that you can"....so many gems in this lady's work that keep illuminating my innermost thoughts and actions.
Just finding my inner peace is what I want now. I had a sense of who I was when I was young until my mother tore it out of me and smashed it into a million peace’s.
WOW! Growing up with a pathologically sick single mother was extremely hard for me. I was the parent. I had no childhood. I was screamed & yelled at all the time. So I grew up to become a nurse with 2 degrees. I knew nothing more than how to take care of someone. I’m still hyper vigilant, somewhat edgy, tired all the time and don’t sleep well. The pathological mother is dead. The constant abuse even into adulthood from my abuser is over. Thank God. I’m working on healing now. It’s very hard. I have symptoms of PTST. It nice to connect with someone like you doctor who has been through roughly the same abuse as me. Thanks
YYYEEEESSSS!!! You could probably hear me say that out loud. I yelled at the screen. This was a perfect description of the confusion within me. The breathing work I understand. Doing one thing that is authentically me is going to need some courage, but I think I'll give it a shot. Happiness is threatening because someone in my family would pull the rug from under me if I expressed it. I know it will take time to learn that it can be safe to enjoy something. I'll look forward to the day that I laugh out loud, in front of others, uninhibited.
Oh wow that’s what I experienced in my family also. I’m so sorry you have been through it too.
I am so glad you felt validated and feel free to yell at me on screen any day if it does make you feel heard!! ♥I hope you can learn to lol more and more!🙏
I’ve never heard someone so accurately describe what I’ve been feeling my whole life. It just makes me so sad. Sad that I never had a childhood. Sad that even now I don’t know safety within myself. Im grateful for finding this video but it’s a really hard revelation for me. I can’t stop crying 😢 I just want to be better to/for my children, I just don’t know where to start.
The title of this video alone hit home as I had always known that about me as a child, but never heard anyone ever say it until this video.
My emotional parentification came at the end of one of my mom’s abuse cycles. She would say something completely hurtful, shameful, critical, and invalidating. Even though I was a highly sensitive child with hyper empathy and I knew what she said was hurtful, she always said it in a covertly hurtful way that she could confuse me into thinking I took it wrong or I misheard her.
I knew it was wrong to say but the more I persisted with my feelings and the argument, the more I became the villain and the whole house (narcissistic brother, avoidant enabling dad, and narcissistic mom) would turn on me - I became the villain and my mom the victim.
After the explosive argument, she would give me the silent treatment for days. During this time I knew she was wrong and what she was doing was wrong, I still drove myself crazy by myself in my room confused by how this keeps happening. How I’m always the villain and how there’s just no way to stop this from happening (I had already tried many different resolutions by 13 years old, all resulted this same way).
To make matters worse, I’m also an emotionally intense child and had already trauma split by 7 or 8. Even trauma split and abused since infancy, I still had more emotional maturity than everyone in my house.
My dad would come to me because the silent treatment she was giving everyone (but mostly me) made the house feel insidious and he would defend what she said and tell me to fix it. I knew what he meant by fixing it because I always had to do this whenever she was abusing me with the silent treatment - knock on her door, apologize, validate her feelings and be her therapist until she felt better… it pains me writing about this right now and I’m a 41 reclusive cat lady with a broken nervous system living in complete isolation after over 3 decades of abuse and re-victimization. I don’t even feel happiness or motivation anymore. Apathy is all my brain is capable of at this point.
This is what narcissistic abuse from my brother and mom did to me. My brothers abuse was even more malicious and psychological. This was all normalized and I didn’t even see it until years after trauma therapy for an unrelated trauma.
My 2nd abusive husband overdosed in front of me and our 4 year old son, who was then taken from me by CPS. It took me 4 years to get full custody back but I did and I’ve slowly healed to this point over the last 7 years. I’m not sure where to go from her but isolation and apathy aren’t terrible. At least I feel safe.
I LOVED playing in the dirt as a kid even though I was always so lonely. But now I try to find time to make compost with kitchen scraps and giant earthworms. Making black soil over time for plants makes me happy in a way I recognize from way back.
The first person I’ve heard acknowledging this. That in itself makes me not feel alone. I don’t recall a time before trauma responses so I can’t go back to what I never knew.
I still can't believe my dad didn't kill me and my mom then himself. When I was young things were livable. When dad moved us 10 miles out of town and gave my sister my mom's car leaving us with his old gas gusseling constant breaking down old pickup truck that we couldn't afford gas for and moved us into a shack the writing was on the wall. The only person who rode the school bus longer than me was the bus driver. I rode 3 hours a day. Life is or was just not good for everyone. Everytime I go to the Rheumatologist I get diagnosed with a new disorder. Just because you survive it doesn't mean you survived unscathed.
As I'm unpacking my childhood experiences, I'm realizing why I've always been so hyperventilate. Now, my muscles just ache as I learn to recognize 'me'.
I finally recognize that I've overcome the obstacles that I was ridiculed for throughout my childhood & young adulthood. I feel like I can finally start to breathe for the first time ever. I know what I want to do for myself (ex: weightlifting bc I liked it) but I need to separate my past why (dealing with the death of toxic parent) & current why, I miss moving & feeling strong. My anxiety & fear of judgment is overwhelming bc of old narratives.
I have lived my life in hyperventilate crisis mode for so long that I don't know how to live any other way. The physical exhaustion it has caused is soul draining.
After having this childhood experience I became a prop master which entails entirely worrying about everyone else's needs while your prop is "in the line of fire" on camera and the shot is contingent on it working; A logical transition.
I became an acupuncturist. So I can get my value out of helping people. We can make something good out of the bad.
@@CroisMoi that's helping people who need help. I was a lifeguard for the first decade of my life and then i needed real money. Doing props on film sets is more like denying your own needs and narcissist-enabling. I did it until it almost killed me. Worst job for a person who grew up not being permitted to have boundaries. I got paid well and it gave me validation. If I did well I didn't get fired. I was very good at "not being seen" or simply "not being" until I was needed.
@@ATeitter Yes, it is helping people. But you can become over involved in the outcome, when some people will not do what is necessary, like stop drinking. It is easy to do that. Your old job sounds very interesting. I can imagine an actor would be challenged to not become even more self centered due to having slaves on set.
Oh my gosh!! I just found you and identified with every aspect of parentification in childhood, shyness and hypervigilance in every situation, as well as sitting in seriousness.
I want to tap into that playful part of myself and have it be independent of the people around me.
You are me! I cannot believe the details of the feelings of the dislike for small talk, about running out of the social crap and all the truth of abuse - whatever kind there was - and am struggling. Your advice is accepted gratefully. Breathing. I'll do three beats, I have a prayer that go's on three lines. I was never a kid. At six, I said to myself "You must never have children. You might have a son and die and leave him in this situation which is not right and a nightmare. And one more thing: raise yourself kid, cause no one here cares about you and they all have their heads up their butts." I can't believe how correct a six-year old could be. Mom resurfaced later and I ended up caring for HER. That started at 14. I mean, you hit all the points so crazy in my life and it's wonderful to know there is someone else like me.
Such a great topic! I appreciate how you share your life experiences. My brother and I were just discussing how hypervigilance was such a strong part of our personalities from being raised by a narcissistic family member.
It really does shape us😥
I relate so much to this. I am now in therapy, and I struggle to be open with myself about how things really happened as a child. I also have an obsession with making sure that kids' innocence is preserved, because they deserve it. I can cry easily when talking about kids being mistreated.
My mother had what I believe to be several personality disorders but all existed under the cover of her narcissism. We were there to please the people she cared about and make her look good. Because every situation required a different "act", there was no constant behavioral standard. You could get in trouble for almost any way of acting, so hyper-vigilance was on steroids trying to learn the "current' pattern needed for a given situation.
You hit so many of the bullet points of my experiences as an adult. Learning that i am safe is my current struggle, especially as I'm trying to develop a support system knowing i can't rely on my family.
All I can say is God sent you to me!! This is the pure truth of my childhood I was the Mom the cook the maid the babysitter responsible for my brother and sister and there health and happiness baths food everything I was 30 at the age of 6. Now I lost my Mom this year October 18, 2022 along with and also my controlling husband of 31 years May2, 2022 and now I don’t know what to do with myself.. aim not caring for me and it’s hard to watch.. Thank you for this video!! It answered so much..😢
I had a hard time learning to take care of myself after my mom passed away in 2018. I am 55 and I've had to isolate with my husband because I'm trying to learn to take care of myself and not others. I slept for 4 months and just started to wake up. The medications my doctor prescribed to me made me sleep and after that 4 months sleeping, I discovered that I was healing from cptsd. Still finding parts of me.
Time to heal yourself. Find a calm pastime like walks, painting, reading, swimming and enjoy each moment!
My parents always treated my sister, and I like adults when we were younger. Whenever we made a mistake, their attitude towards us was, "You should have known better (we were 5 or 6 years old)." I realized later in life that we were audulified and didn't have much of a chance of being a kid. Now, I'm on a journey to listen to that inner child voice when I can ❤
Thank you so much for this video, every word resonated with my own experience. I was born prematurely and my mum had me at 16, quickly had my siblings after and was sadly a single parent. Although she did her very best, I remember being very ‘wise’ and mature early on. ‘The good girl’ that was obedient and had her head in books to escape the chaos of real life. My emotional needs were not met, and we experienced trauma within the family. As an adult I’m all the things you mentioned and I’ve been in therapy this year to help with avoidant attachment and low self esteem. Watching your videos has really helped me this year and I think I’m slowly starting to heal. Doing inner child work with my therapist is hard, but also rewarding and I hope will help me in the future.
Thank you so much for being here --and I am sending you love and healing as you do your work♥
“I can only be good when you’re good.”
I’m 38 years old, been doing this inner work since about 31 and this is still a feeling I can’t shake.
Very few people had an healthy childhood. They are alliens among us humans with complex trauma from our early years, so important years. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, emotional neglect are so often found in our childhoods, in our unhealthy childhoods. In my case, until I started working with my therapist I was not aware of my unhealthy childhood, I was considering that my childhood was pretty much OK, normal, nothing much to say, no traumatic event. Now after few months in therapy I have the knowledge, I know what science says about my normal childhood- I grow up in a dysfunctional family because my parents were not equipped emotionaly for raising children, for dealing with stress, poverty. Narcissistic father and bpd mother. I was surprised to find out in my thirties that I was emotionally abused, that so called education that I received was the most part extremely unhealthy and toxic for a child's brain. Plus the emotional neglect and results an young adult who is in and out various episodes of depression, between this episodes feeling that is on autopilot, not knowing anything about triggers, about cptsd, not having the skills to manage emotions, and feeling so confused about the roots of this mental health struggle.
Recently I have fallen in love with this science, with psychology. It brought in my life so much sense, reason. Now with the knowledge and skills that psychology is offering I can have hope. 💕
Thank you for being here and for sharing this....I love that you are finding knowledge and healing in understanding the nature of trauma and of your own story. Sending love on your journey❤
@@DrKimSage 🙏🧠💪
It's not your job to save everyone. And it's not your fault people are the way they are. They would be that way regardless if you're there or not. Much love and great content!
I watch several channels on this topic, but the way you approach it almost makes me cry, so relatable it is.
And reading the comments here, oh my gosh. Not having kids bcs family feels inherently unsafe a place to be? To live your life painfully independent bcs you feel the only person you can rely on is yourself? To be unable to dance in public? To sweat whenever you enter an unknown social circle? To be actually ostricised for your coping strategies by the very people who inflicted those upon you? I'm relieved to see someone understands but also so sad to see so many of you guy went through this too.
So glad I found this video. I’ve always said as a child I felt like a short 40 year old. I’m sorry for the experiences some of the folks posting have gone through but I’m glad to know I’m not alone.
This describes me absolutely. I never felt like a child.
My hypervigilence carried over in school and then in work. I hated kindergarten to last day of work b4 retirement. Once retired and living on my own the weight lifted from me, bring able to be alone. No i never got married nor do i have a partner or friend. I used to exoerience panic attacks. But also i acted out sexually with men as a young woman as for me it was how i got positive attention. Uh so glad to have this period of bring alone and retired. Not looking forward to old age home i will be miserable. Note i went to eap 20 yrs during work was told i had cpstd.
So true. I was never a child too. 51 now and finally working on this. Special me time works for me with breathing, relaxing, nice food, dancing, doing things for no reason…
Thank you Kim. Thanks to you I now understand why I am a nervous and hypervigilant person. My nerves are so on constant edge and high alert all the time, whenever I go out and am around people. I am 65 and wish I wasn't this way. But at least now I can have compassion for myself. Thank you!!
Thank you so very much! Everything you said resonates with me. I was the oldest child with a schizophrenic/alcoholic mother and a narcissistic father who left when I was six years old. He later was forced to take full custody and took his anger out on me. There was no childhood .
I was never a child. Definitely got me in the feels.
Kim, you have a beautiful, healing spirit. 💗 So many of us have been living on the edge for far, far too long. Knowing we are not alone makes me cry for relief, and also sadness. But step by step we can heal and be free. Much love to all of the "Children" longing to breathe.💗🙏💗☘️
Adele- EASY ON ME
"Go easy on me, baby. I WAS STILL A CHILD didn't get the chance to FEEL the world around me!! I HAD NO TIME TO CHOOSE, WHAT I CHOSE TO DO"
Song been on repeat for weeks!
OMG - I literally had the lyrics up on my phone and was going to add them or use them, and I think I got distracted lol. I think making a video on how our childhoods show up in our own parenting, using this song, could really be a great video! You read my mind! Thank you so much for sharing this!!🙏♥
This really resonated with me. I have had anxiety since I was 8 years old. Thank you for being vulnerable with us, makes me feel understood.
TV gets a bad rap but honestly I credit old sitcoms like The Brady Bunch and I Love Lucy and Green Acres for giving me some joy and comfort in my childhood
In my mid 50's I have been doing this healing journey for a few decades. I am always trying to fix myself, worrying, everyday. In the last few years since the pandemic I have been doing inner child work. Reliving my upbringing by doing art in my home, dancing, playing fetch with my dog, watching my favorite shows and eating snacks. What you said I can relate not remembering a carefree or happy experience in my childhood. I have such gratitude to be able to experience things I missed. Thank you for sharing your truth..feels like my story.
My now a working adult on my own. My needs are being taken care of through a job I adore and gives me financial stability. Now that I don't have uni taking precedence in my mind, and I don't have to worry about money, and meeting people who genuinely want to be there for me, my trauma is flaring up. I overreact and I'm always hypervigilant and if I'm being honest, I put that person through the wringer on a daily basis. I couldn't handle being friends with someone like me. I have disorganized attachment style so I constantly pull in, push away. Wanting love, being scared when its given to me, push away, then spiral when they're distant and blame them for not meaning what they said about wanting me in their life. I prayed and I asked God for help, to be better, as I'm isolating myself and taking the weekend to heal and reset. I saw this video on my homepage, which I've been meaning to watch for a while. Thank you for making this. It felt like my file was being read. LOL. But it feels good to be validated, and to know I'm not as bad as I think I am.
I would love if you made a video about cooking & “the kitchen” relating to mom trauma! It’s so relevant, food can hold a lot of memory (good or bad) - but also an opportunity to explore those memories, go back and redo things under new terms, us now in the adult role. I think there’s a correlation between narcissist moms and being stay-at-home-moms, the domestic stuff has always been a trigger for me since mine wielded anything related to “the home” as though it were carefully guarded territory, stomping around, clanging pans, weird rules, etc.
also: pretty sure there’s a strong link to eating disorders
Thank you so much for your support here - it really is a little dream for me to see if I can find a way to join two of my greatest passions.❤And yes, I can totally see what you are saying about the narc combo and the majority of the women I have worked with who have ED's of some kind- have had either an untreated Narcissistic and/or BPD or combo type of mom...
I'm tired. No I'm exhausted. I'm completely isolated. 4 year's ago I went into my room and shut the door for 3 month's. The only time I came out was to get food or use the restroom then I was back in my room. I did nothing but lay in bed and listen to music. Nothing triggered me. Nothing upset me. Nothing influenced me to take the steps I did. I just went into my room and shut the door. I could and can feel people's energy around me and quite a distance away. I was more active at night when everyone was asleep and appliances were on low or off. When there's less movement. I would research whatever I could get my hands on. Part of this phase I believe was a spiritual awakening for me. At least it resonated with me on many points. I left my room. at about 3 1/2 month's. My husband welcomed me back to the world. I havent left my property in almost 4 year's. I'm no longer isolated to my room, but I am to my property. Now in all honesty I reside in the Sequoia National Forest. I have a creek running through my property and the forest beyond that. I rescue pittues and I'm out in nature with my dog's throughout the day. I'm not stuck in an apartment with just a balcony as my only means of being in nature. My physical body is s mess. My lymph nodes at the base of my skull and my throat are so swollen that my chin is now in my chest. I can't lift my head nor turn it left or right. I'm constantly looking down. I was beginning to get help right before the pandemic and was told if I didn't get vaccinated I wouldn't be able to get care. I haven't gone back since that visit. I refused to be vaccinated and thankfully I've never been sick with any covid like symptoms. I navigate life with the disabilities I have. I've lived this way and like this for almost 4 year's as I stated. If I need something my husband gets it for me or I shop online. I made up my own job to make money when the pandemic hit. I buy luxury handbags through online auctions and restore them then resale them on certain site's. It's not a comfortable living just yet, but it is paying the bils. I've survived 5 family suicides, 4 family murders. One as recent as this past January. Death has been a constant in my life from a young age. When I was five year's old my babysitter took her own life in our bathroom. I was the only one home. I sat outside the bathroom door for hour's after I saw her and had no idea what to do or how to call for help. I thought I was brave being able to be that strong. I didn't cry because I was trained not to. Crying wasn't allowed in my household when I was a child. It's hard for me to even relate to being a child. I have no clue how to be a child or what it entails. My life has been one challenge to the next. Very rarely did I not have to have my guard up. I could write a novel of the truama I experienced, but this isn't the appropriate place to do that. Sharing what I have shared already took a great deal of effort for me. Vulnerability isn't my strong suit. Whenever I am people take advantage so I simply don't allow myself that privilege. I just wanted to share that I don't know what it's like to be a child. I would have no idea how to go about doing so. I have no memories of ever being carefree ever. I really tried to think of a time I ever was and for the life of me I just can't. I thought I was the very few whom felt this way. but after this video and the comment section I'm finding I'm definitely not the only one. I don't find confort in the fact that I'm not. Seeing others suffer and struggle is heartbreaking to me. I wish none you have the pain you have. It was just eye opening knowing I wasn't the only one. I appreciate your videos they have helped in giving me an understanding and a way of putting things in context that I didn't understand before. Thank you for that. Thank you for letting me share a little part of myself and my story with you. I'm truly grateful.
I do apologize for this & I hope you find healing within to heal your wounds of this. It’s not good or healthy to isolate yourself like that which I had to realize this last year of 2022.
Heavy isolation does has a lot to do with this type of trauma of not having a childhood. I noticed I developed a ‘avoidance attachment’. These emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature or distant parents don’t realize what they create inside their children.
I isolated for months on end last year after November 2022. I stayed in bed for 7 days straight without getting up. I cut off everything in my room & stayed there months. I was not in a happy space and wanted to be isolated from the world. I know this feeling but I had to force myself to awake.
Wow,you talked about me the whole time!
I feel sad for myself, for being anxious all the time,& think about everything that can go wrong!
I can’t remember anyone talk to me in my childhood but my friends! 😢
good video thanks. When people ask me if I have children, I say 'I had them too young', when they ask when that was 'I had two when I was born.' Sadly it's not funny. I'm 63, had no children of my own, and still trying to gain the trust of my very wounded inner child. My vigilance, paranoia, rescuer peacemaker and catastrophiser is still embedded, all I can do is be aware, accept and embody which allows my body to tell you its truth.
I never thought I would that I would come across such a relatable video and comment section, ever.
This is overwhelming yet saddening for me. 😢
Even during my years of attending ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) twelve-step meetings, I never met anyone else who identified with parentification. It's so nice to hear it legitimized. I lost an older sister and my father before I was ten. I was left with a grieving mother and disabled older sister, both of whom chose alcohol to deal with their emotional issues. I tried very hard to be the peacemaker and the emotional support for both of them. I walked on eggshells at home and so I spent as much time as I could on the streets with my friends, then jumped from the proverbial frying pan into the fire by marrying young as a way out.
I think it's a great idea to combine cooking and therapy. Would be like having dinner at your really awesome therapists house! Maybe even a live stream every so often would be good for interaction with your subs.Thanks for the videos and tips for coping. It's nice to hear from someone that understands how hard it is to be us. I wish you lived in my area I would definitely want to be your patient. I've had all bad luck with many therapists, so now I go it alone with the help of YT. 🤷♂️
Thank you for your feedback here! I would love to do a live but I have been terrified to do it alone! I am working up to it and I love your idea!!! I'm so sorry you've had bad luck with therapists. Sending love.❤
@@DrKimSage If you can find them still online, I suggest you watch a few episodes of "Lunch with Bokara". Bokara Legandre would host discussions over lunch with various spiritual leaders and have wonderful discussions over lunch which she prepared. I truly miss her programs. You could do something like that with one or more guests dealing with psychology instead of (or with) philosophy. Just food for thought. Whatever you do, I'm sure it would be great, just be true to self and make it your own. Best wishes.
I subscribed. You had me at ‘rotate around a parent’, which I had never heard before but is a phrase that clearly describes the fear and exhaustion of childhood. Look forward to catching more insights with your help.
The longer you talked the more it felt like you were reading a report of my life and who I am.
Great video, this explains why I have 2 anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Hypervigilance is directly tied, makes total sense. Having to constantly read the parent to see if it's nice parent or scary parent. I also have fearful avoidant attachment/disorganized and that makes total sense too that that would come from having to be so hypervigilant.
I am so sorry you have to deal with living like this because of your experiences...sending love and healing to your nervous system❤
Thank you for this amazing video…I too was “born an adult” as my Mom used to say. This helps me understand why. My one activity that I’ve always credited for keeping me sane is being in nature. In these particularly crazy times we are in, I make it a point to spend time every day working in my garden…it brings me childlike joy every time.❤
I never had a childhood - the past few years in my 50’s i’ve gone NC with blood family and finally began living a childhood in an adult body. I’ve discovered who i am finally - and now matured thru this process. It’s a horrible thing to go thru, yet beautiful aspects in discovery - much sadness and grief in what i never had and what i lost. A lifetime of abuse -tragic, but my reality.
I have never related to something more. Oldest of 5 to young parents with some unaddressed mental health issues. Never felt attached to my parents, nrver felt like a kid. I just started counseling i plan to talk about the stuff in this video.
I'm received to hear you say social settings can be hard. That's how I feel about extended family events...I'm always on gaurd b/c of childhood issues.
@11:10 Kim!! We are not so different after all. I was just saying this to someone. That I feel this weird guilt the day after going to a social event that was super surface level. It affects my whole mood the next day.. I feel empty and hopeless. I didn’t know that also had to do with CPTSD.
The hyper vigilance is bad but then I also feel like if I healed it, something bad would happen. My hyper vigilance has been affirmed many times through me witnessing something traumatic happening, after I scanned the environment and assumed it would. That’s why it’s so hard to heal, because a lot of my CPTSD symptoms feel so necessary, even my logical mind struggles to reason why I should let them go.
I am and have always been, hyper -vigilant, jumping at the slightest thing and easily startled. It's horrible.