HEALING DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT: SERIES ON HEALING ATTACHMENT WOUNDS
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 19 มิ.ย. 2024
- This video is part of a larger series exploring how to heal Attachment Disturbances, based upon Attachment Theory research. Today's video explores the specific challenges associated with Disorganized Attachment, and the issues this style most often faces in relationship to self and others.
Disorganized Attachment has a wide range of patterns and behaviors, but at the core, we often see caregivers who were not safe, and so, out of all the Attachment styles, we most see unresolved trauma, both in the infants and in the caregivers.
Videos on soothing our activated nervous systems and a protocol on healing the internalized parent will follow in the series.
*****FREE COURSE AND FREE CHECKLIST ON ASSESSING CHILDHOOD WOUNDS AND IDENTIFYING PARENTS WHO MAY HAVE STRUGGLED WITH NARCISSISTIC AND/OR BORDERLINE TRAITS OR DIAGNOSES:
www.drsagehelp.com
*****************************************************************************
HEALING ATTACHMENT WOUNDS SERIES:
This series begins with understanding the primary issues around Attachment Theory and healing Attachment Styles, and will then go deeper into issues around Attachment wounds and related trauma and relationship issues.
I will be posting daily 5 to 10 minute videos after this one on Healing Attachment Wounds and Understanding Attachment Styles and Relationships, as well as tying these topics where appropriate to Complex Trauma, and challenging childhoods and parenting.
Many of you are already very familiar with Attachment, so I hope to add some additional research and topics you will find helpful, and potentially new ways of understanding yourself and life.
While we cannot fully heal attachment wounds without being in relationship with others, these videos will be providing some exercises you can use to enhance your healing journey.
I am so passionate about the relationships between Attachment, Trauma and Relationships, and I truly value your thoughts and ideas, so please share and add any additional information or stories you feel will also be helpful in healing our lives!
xo
www.drkimsage.com. (my website and Thinkific to access courses)
@drkimsage on TIK TOK: / drkimsage . (Daily Content)
************************COURSES COMING SOON on THINKIFIC.COM !!!!******************
COURSES COMING ON THINKIFIC:
BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
FREE COURSE: "INVISIBLE WOUNDS". IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
LATER COURSES COMING:
"RE-MOTHERING" (RE-PARENTING)
"HEALED PARENTING,"
PARENTING TRIGGERS FROM YOUR OWN CHILDHOOD IMPACTING YOUR PARENTING TODAY
***ALL COURSES INCLUDE WORKBOOKS AND JOURNALS, GUIDED MEDITATIONS
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load. Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)
xo
"big swing between anxiety and avoidance" absolutely. It makes being attracted to someone new nearly impossible because it hurts as it results in inner turmoil.
I have this attachment style and for me I get triggered a lot not just by feeling lack of control but also I get overstimulated very easily. Things like excessive noise or people acting aggressive really trigger me and I end up lashing out to try to stop whatever is triggering me. I find I need a lot of time to myself and downtime. If I don’t get that I get overstimulated and triggered easily
i am the same😅
Same❤
Me too
Are you Pisces by chance. I am the same
That sounds like HSP
For me, I'm terrified of hurting someone else so I avoid romantic relationships. I'm scared of getting attached and then finding my feelings for the person have evaporated so I disengage and hurt them. That fear is far greater than being hurt myself
I cannot explain how much I appreciate this content. I am so grateful to live in a time where this kind of self help is available. Here's to everyone healing themselves and to a happy future.
Same here!! ❤❤❤ seriously we are very fortunate to have access to this kind of stuff anytime anywhere etc. this is so amazing & helpful especially when we can’t go to therapy as much as we need or want or are having a hard time understanding everything..
I am so grateful to have access to this too especially when it is so needed but we are unable to afford consultations/sessions -- or even just an intro to know whether the doc or therapist you wanna go to is actually the right one for you.
Im a man who has this attachment issue. Everything you described is literally my childhood. I never talked to anyone about it and kept it bottled up. My relationships all self sabotage down to a lack of trust with that person and I’m always attached to the hip, doing things out of character a bit too much in a loving way but also never trusting them, accusations, stalking etc because I don’t trust them and don’t want them to leave me. All my relationships have been pretty bad. I’ve had enough and now at 29 it’s time to look for help before it’s too late.
Hey i feel the same too....do u wanna talk about it
It’s never to late to seek help if anything your going to feel so much better opening up, I did it
i’m so proud of you. you got this
For me, and i just recently found out that Disorganized/FA is my Attachment style, it's not about getting close, it's about not getting quality time/or him being unreliable because it makes me feel like I'm not important, not valuable. I do have other triggers, but that is the main one.
As a child I dealt with taming the chaos by priming. My mom drank, if she was drunk she verbally abused me, if she was sober she was overly loving. In order to mitigate psychological chaos, as in me trying to make sense of the messages she sent me, I would tell myself I was a bad person. That way when she told me she hated me, it made logical sense. When she told me she loved me, it was a pleasant surprise.
Now in adulthood that priming ruins my relationships.
Everyone needs to learn how to sooth their nervous system.. no one realises what impact that has.. I have chronic pain and have learnt it’s sent my nervous system into overdrive pain response it’s taken four months to get where I am but it’s meant I can function without painkillers three times a day.. love your videos!
I figured I was just an avoidant but I always felt I was a mix of different attachment styles. This is incredibly helpful. Your quality information is finally leading me in the right direction to heal. Thank you ❤️
I am dating someone with this attachment style and this video was really helpful for me to better understand what might be going on under the surface. Thank you ❤️
That's so sweet. All the best with it. 👍🏻❤
My mom pushed all of her anxieties and fears at me as a child. My dad was in the military so we moved alot. So this feels very informative for how I was raised. I had to be parent to my parents and be vigilant for bad behavior, alot of the time, then given a nickname and then having that nickname weaponized against me. My mom wanted to be one of the girls one moment and very distant the next moment. As an adult she was diagnosed with bipolar depression disorder.
I have a disorganized attachment style and most of my life has been going from tumultous relationship to tumultous relationship, friendship to friendship, i don’t have a family because i don’t talk to them - they’re all toxic and the normal ones make me too anxious to see them regularly. I’ve been doing therapy for like 15 years now but am still either sabotaging my relationships and friendships or hiding from them. I’m glad to have found this series, because i’m convinced that i’m going to be doing this for the rest of my life and finally die alone =/
I hear you man. Thats heavy. Im sorry you feel this way. I believe it can change for you though. It might take even more work than you have already done and some vulnerable situations but I believe, hope, and pray it will change
Im so so soorry Aaron
Totally relate its hard when no having a family or somebody to turn to on hard time .
You are broken and nobody will help or save you, thats the saddest part
Have you tried emdr ( if you have complex ptsd)
Havent started therapy yet im too broke to heal but alot of therapy are useless and just want to take your money
Loads of love ❤️❤️
You’re not going to die alone. We all have issues. Acknowledgment is a great start. Now you know you have work to do. We can totally heal and make lifelong connections. Don’t give up on yourself and don’t deprive yourself from being happy. Everyday is a journey. ❤
I am in the same boat 😭 even my career life.. over 50 different jobs and I'm 39 years of age. I am determined to overcome this!!! I found a great love who I refuse to lose due to my sabatoging ways.
I feel exactly like you do Aron. Thank you for sharing.
I would say this applies to me. This is still very new to me; I just had my first therapy session and my therapist basically confirmed that my mother is borderline. It wasn't one of the extreme violent cases, but it was enough. I guess I have the enmeshment and feeling responsible for my mother's moods. I also had a BFF in high school who later suddenly became extremely manipulative, abusive, paranoid, and strange. My therapist said it sounded like he could have been developing schizophrenia (of course we don't know for sure). I never left that friendship -- he ended up ghosting me, which made me think it was my fault -- and my therapist advised that I probably felt responsible for his emotions as I learned to do with my mother. So what you said about patterns, learning to trust yourself, and having standards in relationships rang true for me. I haven't been able to make new friends since then because I've been so distrustful. Holy moly, it's a lot .... one day at a time LOL
I'm sort of new to the attachment styles too. Not sure what my mom is labeled as but it was a dysfunctional environment. I hope you find the answers you need to heal! I'll be doing the same thing trying to heal my relationship attachments so i can grow to be a more secure and helpful person. thanks for sharing your experience.
This is definitely my attachment style, but something that has made this conclusion difficult is so often the online resources around this makes it sound like parents have to have been horribly abusive and have deeply serious issues. My parents were not nearly as bad as some that cause this attachment style might have been--my parents were never physically abusive to me or eachother. But, they didn't plan on having me. They were partiers and stoners. My earliest memories are mostly of hanging around all the adults at the parties my parents hosted, or of being left in my room screaming and ignored because they were focused on their friends. They both had very tough relationships with their parents, so the combination of having been poorly parented, with being very dissociation-prone, meant they were extremely inconsistent. Not violently so, but still. Sometimes if I was hurt in some way, they would react with incredibly care and compassion and attentiveness. Other times, they would react with total annoyance that I was upset at all, and tell me to toughen up and get over it. I remember at some point before the age of 5 having done something wrong, and my dad pretended he was going to call an adoption agency to take me away. He says he has no memory of this, but it was a core memory for me--further evidence that their being stoned so much meant they made bizarre and irrational and inconsistent choices. Sometimes they would be the chillest, easiest going people. Other times they would absolutely explode into screaming and anger over tiny things, fixated and spiraling. Mostly my dad, but both of them really. Overall it made me incredibly, fiercely independent (I am also an only child), but also very much seeking a life partner and wanting connection. I always push people away when they got too close, and it didn't help that every best friendship I had as a child and in high school and college all ended in incredibly dramatic ways. And I was bullied heavily in elementary school. Weeeeeeeee!
So, anyways, I am sharing in case there are other people out there who didn't have classically "abusive and traumatic" childhoods, but the super wide range of unpredictable reactions from their parents made them this attachment style.
I think that sounds really traumatic, neglectful and occasionally abusive. It hurts a lot to come to terms with how bad our loving parents could sometimes be. It truly sounds bad.
This is amazing thank you. I have been single for quite a while and am trying to date again but everytime I meet someone with in a few days I feel so overwhelmed and consumed that I panic and runaway. I don’t seem to have the internal reserve to give anyone a chance. It’s exhausting and it makes me very sad 😔 because I want to eventually start a family. I am 30 next year but it seems like what I want is impossible for me to actually achieve
Hey, I’m going through the same thing. Let me know if you want someone to talk to.
Ah baby girl I feel you. 27 here and realise how broken I am .
I feel the same but I gotta stay alone for a big while by then I will already be on my 30's dont put pressure on yourself God has planned everything for ya ❤️
Same too hun. I’m approaching 40 and worried it’s too late for me. But trying to be hopeful now I know why I am the way I am, and try and heal in time.
I'm feeling this. Hugs to you
Go to church & find a God fearing man so you don’t have to worry about the drama chaos as you build your own FAMILY
My parent was a yeller, she also physically abandoned me. Healing from this sucks but I gotta do it for my kids and for my mental sanity.
I used to think I was an avoidant, but after listening to videos like these ones, I have resonated with most of the things you've said. I am triggered by any sign of affection towards me, if someone shows a slight interest in me, I panic and I get all of the physical symptoms so it's awful. It used to be even worse, but I slowly worked towards allowing hugs from others, I am fine with those now but only if they don't last too long. Aside from that, any physical contact triggers me. My mom was quite unpredictable most of the time, one moment she could be kind to me, but the next moment she would be upset. My dad was never at home due to his job. My mom was always sad and crying that my dad was never there for her, but as soon as he got home, she would diss him out. She would always look uncomfortable whenever he hugged her or touched her. When my mom died and my dad emotionally hugged me and my siblings, the first thing I thought was: "Oh, so my dad really loved my mom after all?" But soon after, the whole family system pushed me to become my dad's substitute wife which later felt like I was his mother. 8 years later, I left the family system and went to live with my sister and brother. But turns out my sister is also like my mom, unpredictable, extremely demanding, so most of the time is just me listening to her talk, if I talk about myself, she shows no interest or throws a tantrum.
Adding to this crazy mix is the fact I was bullied at school for my weight and looks, also for my good grades. All the friends I've had before had used me and then ghosted me. I always felt like a parent to all the friends I've had, always taking care of them until they no longer need me.
Never had a romantic relationship cause I couldn't stand a simple hug, let alone anything else. Finally having some answers to what's going on with me now gives some ease though, at least a starting point. So thank you so much for this video.
Amazing healing tips!
I have disorganized attachment style, heavy on the anxious and it feels really good to finally know what's going on and how to self soothe and give myself safety. I felt seen with that part about the dishwasher too. My mom would physically push me aside to re-load the dishwasher herself if I did it wrong, or yell and berate me that a dish wasn't in the right place. It was traumatizing and I vowed I'd never do that when I started a family.
How does someone with this attachment style such as myself heal while in relationship with others (whether romantic or other) when the threat of being hurt again, trust broken, betrayed, etc. is too large? Not only that but, from personal experience, the beginning of dating in general is overwhelmingly anxiety-provoking and, sometimes, triggering that I feel stuck in the loop of moving from happy & confident me to anxious, self-sabbotaging because of the anxious thinking from past trauma to avoidant and pushing them away?
How do I have a relationship and expect it to be healthy while in this loop and strugglimg with this attachment style? I end up either being hurt again, which affirms the negative inner belief OR I push away do to their avoidant attachment style OR non-communicative secure attachment style because their silence is triggering?
I feel like expecting myself to, or putting that pressure on myself to, have a relationship or date right now is too triggering and scary, and unfair of myself.
I feel this 100% and often wonder if I just can't really have a healthy relationship. However, I did recently start dating someone who was a friend for several months first and I think this enabled me to build that trust foundation without the swirling thoughts and insecurities. In fact, I'm pretty sure I can't date right off for exactly all the reasons you stated. Maybe go the Friends First route?
Unfortunately the only way to heal from any insecure attachment style is in active relationship with other people! Good luck to you!
Too late for me. I fell into a relationship and when things started going wrong, I did some research and realized he has this attachment style and his triggers are...me. Because I was hot and cold, it sent him over the edge. we are trying to reconcile now and if it works that's probably the best thing for both of us. It's not easy though. I'm being very careful but I'm no longer walking on eggshells because I understand what is happening now.
I lean towards being more avoidant, i want intimacy and love but when it's right there i get overwhelmed and claustrophobic like i don't know what to do with it and i shut down. Then the person withdraws their love, attention, etc., and i become anxious and it feels like I can't survive without them. I have been in isolation for almost 3 years now reflecting on how these behaviors contributed to my last relationship that was toxic. I am afraid to ever try another relationship until i can heal this in myself. I am having a hard time connecting with anyone at all these days. ..
Hello, I hope you're able to get better! We're all here for the same purpose and you're not struggling alone ❤️
Thank you Kim.
Keep going! Love from Ireland 🇮🇪
God bless you for this video! I was able to show this to my husband to better help him understand how I can be so hot and cold sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this healing content Dr Kim. It helps me understand better what is going on today as a survivor of repeated violent trauma.
🤯 Holy moly. Thank you so much for this video.
My biological mother abandoned me and I was left with a dad who was depressed and traumatized himself. It made him angry, short, distant… step mothers I had I think loved me but it always felt conditional or that it wasn’t like their children. Finding out my attachment style has been soooo revealing. I literally have pushed EVERY relationship I’ve had that got a little too close. I’m open to accepting and healing this attachment style.
This is so useful. Thank you so much❤
As usual, your videos are super informative. I can't thank you enough for posting these.
Damn this has me flashing back to my childhood like crazy. Thinking of a lot of stuff I haven’t thought about in almost 20 years. I really want to get this worked out. I’m tired of not being able to sustain relationships.
I just found you today looking at information for my current relationship. This is amazing. Thank you.
This was extremely helpful. I feel like I can understand my self more and how I can heal. Thank you!
Thankyou ❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻. It’s me and I was struggling with everything.
Really helping me relearn
attachment and concomitant personality.
So happy to hear it:)
This was a great video, thank you for sharing
My mom was never there for me as much as i needed her to be when i was a little kid. She would often leave the house for months and go off with another man. Then she would come back home for a very little amount of time and then leave again. She was an alcohol addict at the time and it was a struggle for me having to put up with the things she did. My dad, living alone with me most of the time, still had to work. So i spent long days at a home daycare. The lady there was incredibly mean. She would shame me for not being able to do things like the other kids. She once punished me for defending myself. She would get mad at me for sometimes not understanding what she meant. She would get mad at me for crying or showing emotion. And she didn't respect my very sensitive hearing. Another thing: when my stepmom finally came into the picture. She's a good person and she tries her best, but she's a lot more strict and demanding. I wasn't used to that in my household. In my opinion, theres quite a few things thst she doesnt handle in the best way. Her parenting style completely contrasts my sensitive self. But yeah.. so i ended up with a disorganized attachment style. I havent watched the video yet, but i hope it will help me to slowly start healing and working towards a secure attachment style.
This video helped me a lot. I thought I had an anxious attachment style, but doing some work has helped me see that I am actually a mixture of anxious and avoidant. You mentioned borderline disorders - I have borderline personality disorder, and bipolar type 1. In other words, I’m a mess. But I’m trying to heal and it helps to have this kind of content to really see where I can be better and work on healing
I'm a mess too 😁, we must keep going 😊❤
@@larsstougaard7097 same, but we'll heal some of this mess :)
Therapy is too expensive for me and having access to videos like this is really, really helpful. Thank you for sharing your knowledge ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and insight! Very grateful to learn of your channel. Thank you and God Bless🙏
So helpful thank you so much.
Can you please link the researched referenced that breaks down the organization in the disorganization?
Today my husband and I learned that we both have this. I won’t be surprised if my siblings have this, too.
very helpful
holy moly!! thaaaank you
I don’t like trusting people and it is very difficult for me. I keep everyone at a certain distance, not letting them know things about me. This has become a problem in my relationships and especially with my partner as I don’t share things because I don’t feel safe or worthy, but then I get upset because I feel like he doesn’t know the real me. At the same time I also have the fear that anyone who knew the real me,how I really think about things and the fact that I’m not perfect, would hate me. To me, trust has only ever gotten me hurt. Not a single friend or partner, not even my family has proven trust to be anything but a pointless thing to hand over to someone and basically a free pass for them to walk all over me. Sometimes I love being closed off because it seems impossible to get hurt again but I also recognize the damage it’s doing socially.
You aren't alone in your struggle and I hear you, I've felt the same way my entire adult life. You can work through these patterns, one at a time to heal and move forward. Some therapy, self help tools and some spiritual practices like breath work , meditation, daily affirmations and journaling can slowly shift your behaviours. I've done these and definitely leaning more secure now, with disorganised attachment, it can be really rough. Good luck and sending you lot's of love and healing ❤🩹
This is great!! Thank you for all these videos! I was wondering, could you do ambivalent attachment?
Yeah, I get it !
4:25 My main parental figure a is clinically diagnosed as bipolar and this is exactly what they were like. Also because I didn't have very physically or extreme experiences, my problems have always been belittled or dismissed by therapists.
My body is just tingling with trigger i want to jump out of my damn body! And in other news i dissociate in front of my kids and just want to crumble. Its like a handicapped person wishing they could walk. Very challenging!!!
I am 19 and i think i have this attachment style bc of toxic on and off friendships at 6 and throughout life i have met ppl that would make comments, compare me to others, took advantage of my kindness etc. And few years ago i got into my first relationship and i would runaway from him whenever he wanted to spend time with me. I didn't feel good enough or as if he to know the real me he wouldn't like it. Ig bc ppl did that to me in my childhood. And we broke up bc of this. And now that im 19 i feel like want better myself for the future bc i want love and i want to give love the right way.
mistrust is the biggest topic for me and being used not knowing it and also me not being able to be the right one for anyone in relationship. like i value myself and i know im amazing person but that there is something in me that makes me unlovable to man. that i will always be the second option or just not special thwn others for any man. i think the second one comes from my father hating me and loving my sister. i was wrong with being the one whos thinking out loud and being very expressive and honest
I am stuck in a bad pattern where I am trying to make friends and others stop talking sometimes I don't hear from anyone for weeks etc or never again . I wanna work on encouraging others to reach out to me when I always put in the effort and I don't get checked in on . I feel like they would talk to other people and I feel forgotten. Talking with others was always a struggle and made me anxious.
Where is the rest of the series on Disorganized attachment style please?
Just yesterday, I discovered her videos and have listened to parts of two of them. Is there a place to go to get an entire list of all videos she has done? Thank you.
4:31 4:31 Following. I subscribed to her channel but dont see a specific series yet. Hoping she uploads here also, as I dont have time for tick tok and Fakebook.
How do I get out of isolation? I desperately want to connect with others and have friendships but I'm way to scared to ever reach out to anyone even if they tell me I can. How do I make the first step?
Oh man I am an abysmal cluster fuck ..... I'm trying to work on all this myself.... I'm a single orphan adult with pretty much no one for support but my random reach outs on TH-cam and Facebook.... This pain has had me twisted up for as long as I can remember Im starting to notice it's intervening with my basic functioning stuff and I'm so lost trying to find my way back to a dream of a home I never knew or could deserve.... This is truly a first for me I've done too much on my own this far .... I'm finally going to say it .... I can't fix this.... I've been stuck for a while..... Help before I ruin whatever relationship I have left with my daughter my last piece of family 😢 .... I don't want to give up.... My parents would kick my ass when I get to whatever's next .... I'm just so completely overly exhausted with how long I've been trying to live on my own fighting the I'm not the victim, just destined for pain I guess....
They've been gone for awhile now and I'm still mad at them for dropping out on me like they did .... Literally grandparents both sides parents all childhood homes lost in fucked situations, and been in this rat race for my daughter since conception..... I never wanted to have kids or bring one into this shitty hard world but I didn't have the heart to let her go even though what I went through kind of didn't give me any other choice from everything I worked and worked on making work. Like I don't remember when the switch happened or whoever I was or am supposed to find. Not to mention I'm pretty sure I've tapped out my trust and faith so idk
OK so this is the combo I think I was looking for in comment I made on the other video.
Dr Kim your beautiful insid and out.
I have never felt so seen in my entire life.
do you think open relationships help heal this style? mine is so deeply imbedded that my very lifestyle consists of not being committed to place or person
Open relationships never work if you want something real lol. There are plenty videos on why they won't work long term
I am gonna heal. I am gonna be ok.
Not being in control makes me feel so powerless.
I have a sense of self (a councious) that disappeared, leading to this attachment style, and I don’t remember things; I’m very dissociated. It’s so annoying.
I got such a high score I feel overwhelmed
What if my parents are divorced and One of them was behaving loving and the other one cold and strict, bossy. And I was on week with one and another week with the otheone. Two different worlds.
If your adult relationsjp is also a place of fear and a place of safety is it better to leave ?
yes
Yes
what about individuals with this attachment style who haven't dated in decades and never married?
Can you please share the researcher name petricha ...
I think I have a very anxious attachment style with my therapist but I’m very avoidant with everyone else, basically to the point that I’ve never been attracted to anyone because of my fear. Could this be disorganized attachment?
There’s many quizzes online you can take to find out that answer.
If i go to therapy how long will it take me to recover?
😂😂😂😂😂😂 as long as it takes you to actually apply yourself to the therapy and put the work in to change toxic behaviors you have that ruin your interpersonal relationships and hurt you more in the end.
Could someone explain to me why a good loving person gets pushed away ? The FA woman I was with always told me I was the nicest guy she ever had in her life and no one ever treated her as well. I gave her space, didn’t smother, and kind and loving to her child. Everyone including the child’s father has abandoned her or mistreated her. The last guy she was with she labeled as narcissistic but she seemed to still pin for him and get drunk and emotional over him and that seemed to hurt me. In the beginning (first three or four months) it was beautiful. I thought she was going to be my person. Then suddenly she returned my messages less, stopped having sex with me and would even put a body pillow between us. Told me she didn’t want to date or want anything between us in the future and was giving my stuff back. Then I said goodbye and walked away and she came back again saying she does think of me and my child. I didn’t respond and then found her on a dating app right away. It was the most painful crushing thing I’d ever seen in my life. Now I’m in trauma therapy trying to mend my heart. I loved her and her little girl so much. I was so good to her and can’t understand why I got let go 😢
She got scared maybe, am so sorry, am f.a female and I am talking to an amazing guy that I don't want to push away which I do since I am so avoidant with him, but he has been a sweet guy so far but has his own trauma also,am learning to give him grace, because no one is perfect,and I want to really understand him so I don't hurt him. Sorry you went through that pain.
Sounds like she maybe a borderline (BPD) -Def has features 👉too bad she’s a drinker -I feel for the child 👉u should maybe meet a God fearing woman at Church, and give urself and child a chance at real happiness wOut alcohol?!
She is addicted to trauma and drama. Self sabotage
😎
I really want to listen to this but the background whitenoise static under it all makes it so hard for me for some reason
Do you have any book recommendations to help heal a child's attachment styles? My step kids were raised with a mother with disorganized style and cluster b personality traits. We now have full custody of them and are having a hard time with seperation anxiety and other things.
Kids from that environment (and any, really) need safety (emotional, physical, mental etc), consistency, reliability, clear and calm communication, attunement, and emotionally regulated parents.
If you are doing things to regulate your own emotions, not taking their behaviors personally, validating them (the book 'I Hear You', by Michael Sorensen is very good for all relationships), have clear expectations and consequences...with plenty of room for grace and understanding of behaviors that are rooted in trauma.
Just as we wouldn't punish a child with an amputation, for falling over, or not being able to keep up with everyone else...we should be aware and compassionate to a child who is emotionally, mentally limited.
The Personal Development School is a TH-cam channel, that speaks a lot to reprogramming attachment wounds. While it is geared to adults...learning how programming/reprogramming occurs is very valuable.
The messages, tones, voices, we hear over and over, become our internal dialogue. Therefore, being mindful of those, in communicating to those children, is paramount.
I wish you all the best. It's not easy, but you have an opportunity to make a profound difference...helping rewrite the narratives and possibilities for their lives. Lovely that you are looking into this for your step children.
I wish you blessings and peace 💫
Are adoptees at greater risk of this attachment style?
Yes I was adopted
I have so many questions about this attachment style. My therapist told me I have this attachment style. I also have CPTSD.
I feel so emotionally detached from everyone. Is this normal with disorganized attachment?
Also is splitting common with disorganized attachment? If someone triggers me, sometimes I can start questioning whether they are a safe person and I want to run away for a bit or put them in the not for me person camp. I want nothing more than good relationships but I feel lost. My current therapist told me as I heal from my childhood abuse I'll learn to trust. I've been in therapy for 5 years and I have a hard time trusting everyone except my husband. This is maddening.
I'm 30. I feel like life is short and what's the point of it if I can't love freely?
I have bpd and I relate to this so so much! I also feel emotional detached to others including my own body and it makes it impossible most of the time to even see how the other person is feeling within this push & pull dynamic I'm creating..
I also split a lot within relationships, which is part of my disorder but I'm convinced that it's completely related to this attachment style. I hope you'll find out more beneficial and helpful information regarding this, I'm also quite new to the topic and just began to understand it, hopefully we can go into a direction of healing, it's so damaging...
Unhealthy Ppl attracting healthy Ppl. That's the cycle. Go heal before U seek.
C'mon - Some of us *really are* better than others at Dishwasher Tetris! 😖🤪😇
OH YES, I KNOW :)
This is funny. You aren't wrong. 😆
Jeez 💀😂
Carry everything on your back, then not being able to handle it and just throwing it all off and running away/shutting down 🙃🙃
Nothing feels comfortable in a romantic relationship to me. More importantly it’s not rewarding, so I can’t be bothered with it.
What if you believe that there are no good men left after you hit 35 as a woman?
I’m almost 47 and feel the same way, but I have CPTSD and a disorganized attachment style so I avoid relationships, something I’m working on.
@@TMH792 I have all the same stuff ;/
@Xrusha I’m so sorry! It’s truly one of the hardest things to navigate and deal with.
@@TMH792 Yes, it's easy to avoid them when there's no one around but when the possibility of a relationship arises it's both enticing and terrifying! (I'm dealing with this problem at the moment ;))
@Xrusha Yes! Because we are wired for connection, want it and when it arises it’s like whoa! Hold up, back off! I have the anxious side as well. If I feel rejected than I lean more anxious. It’s so frustrating and I’m not even around many people right now bc of my circumstances right now and I’m isolating like crazy! Thais Gibson is giving a free 14 trial of her course and she used to be an FA now secure and I’m going to take it and take all the info in I can bc it’s not going away and I’ve spent 15 years in and out of therapy!
There was nothing about healing in the video.
l
Is saying " LOVE ON" yourself rather than just love yourself a new fad or something? Trendy talk is SO annoying, sorry!