*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice *Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership *Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com *Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2 *Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
I've asked 3 therapists over 10+ years about my difficulty with clutter and stuff accumulating in my home and none of them could help or give me any insight. Years have gone by and all I've felt is more shame and confusion about it. The way you have cut through the noise and clarified how it's connected with CPTSD in a little over 30 minutes is illuminating and life saving. Thank you. The part about emotional and mental clutter is spot on and I hadn't identified them as such until you named and explained them. You have alchemized your pain and turned it into wisdom. You have finally made this make sense. This is what I needed to know. I've been searching for this information for a long time. Your videos are helping me in ways I didn't know I needed.
I've been in & out of therapy for about 15yrs now, and I also have NEVER had a single therapist connect mess with mental health, let alone history of trauma. None of their desks were much neater than mine, though. 👀😆I expressed a lot of angst regarding my inability to keep a tidy house, and each one seemed to dismiss or brush it off. I would be told I'm worrying about the wrong things, or not to take it so seriously. The male therapists would look at me with pity, as if they were thinking, "poor woman, stressing herself out over matters so frivolous." This video's summary of how mess is interconnected with a dysfunctional history was *very* relevant to my life & how I "keep house!!" Too relevant. 😅 Last week I watched a TH-cam video about decluttering home and mind, it was on Mel Robbins channel (I don't remember the name of who she interviewed, the woman was a blogger who stumbled into the field via addressing her own issues). I found the interview VERY informational, and I can honestly say just one week after watching that video (it was like an hour and a half long) I have less stress and feel less overwhelmed about my house. I actually have a bit of hope that every surface isn't going to be cluttered forever, that I will be able to maintain a house that I'm not embarrassed of when I have visitors. The main idea that stuck out to me was the perception of "getting the house in shape," as being a project vs ongoing process/daily habit. I attack a cleaning like a project, because my daily "normal" isn't able to maintain the house at my preferred level of cleanliness. Instead of addressing the house the way you would any other project, apparently it is less stressful to approach it with methods that can become an ongoing (daily) process, so that the daily reality is closer to our preference. Another concept I really liked was the "container concept," which helps prioritize what to keep around difficult emotions that (usually) get in the way of minimizing/letting things go. A place to live has only so much space; our dressers are not infinite, the containers have a max amount. We come to terms with the reality of the amount of stuff our containers can reasonably handle. The issue isn't filth/mold with clutter, moreso too much stuff than the container can fit comfortably! Purging the excess stuff is no longer you choosing to toss things due to their value/lack of; it becomes a process of honoring the space you have and it's true capacity, as well as being authentic/ in tune with yourself and the life you want to have. Basically you fill your containers with your favorite things until they are full. If you find that you wish to add something, you choose which thing is less favored comparatively for you personally. (Almost like a boundary issue, now that I think of it; extra clutter might be an inability to recognize the boundaries of a container/space; what will fit properly and look nice and not frustrate us.) I definitely recommend listening to that interview if you get the chance! I started listening to it "in the background," while I was cooking, but I ended up stopping about halfway through and restarting from the beginning, when I was able to sit down and take notes!! I didn't think they'd say anything that was actually new or shocking about keeping a clean home, TBH. They actually covered four or five ideas and systems that were quite different from how I have ever considered cleaning or organizing.
@@PaigeSquared was the person being interviewed KC Davis? Her book “How To Keep House While Drowning” helped me so much. I resonate with everything you said. A male therapist told me that I’m just messy and that’s ok and that a man will like me as I am. 🙄But no, I’m not messy, I like clear spaces, I just have trauma and chronic disregulation. What an incompetent asshole he was
I live in the eastern part of India and there is a custom of cleaning and decluttering our homes which takes place before the new year of our Bengali calender comes. The cleaning is about a month-long process done daily in bits (say, discarding old, torn unusable clothes, empty boxes, cleaning walls and floors, washing bedcovers and cushions, cleaning the garden etc.)which ends in the last day of the old year. On new year, we have a custom of wearing new clothes after taking bath, eating and distributing sweets, wishing friends and relatives for a happy year ahead. I think having a deadline and making it an annual custom of giving a clean and fresh start help a great deal.
Makes soooo much sense that this would be helpful culturally (non-shaming as everyone is doing it) plus people can anticipate the time and practice and know that "this is what we're doing now!" Thanks so much for sharing! Peace to you
@sauravbasu8805 Excellent idea. I also think it makes a person feel more accountable when everyone else is doing this along with you. Short-term goals though with a beginning & an end makes it more manageable in my opinion. Thanks for the idea.
Oddly enough I am happy to clean other people's clutter and organize other people's stuff... but I absolutely get that overwhelmed thing about my own! Thanks for this 🙏👍
For some. For me clutter keeps people away. I feel less anxious. Plus I think it was one of the few areas of passive resistance as a child to my mother’s intrusive and controlling behavior. You want a clean house? Yeah? Watch this…..
As I read "clutter keeps people away" I thought: Ah! Why should people be kept away, did people cause harm in the past? Then I read further and it makes total sense. It's almost like a subconscious defense mechanism or behaviour meant to protect the self from harm (in this case: people/mother). Thank you for sharing because now I understand myself even better.
While going to a therapist when I was in that 23 year abusive marriage (1980 to 2003), I told my therapist I just didn't have the energy to keep the kitchen clean & keep up with the housework. He said something insightful for me. He said it made sense bcuz I was using soooooo much energy just to survive life being married to the abusive husband. Now, in retrospect, 20 years agter the divorce, I see I really am a person capable to keep up with the housework. It really saps energy keeping clutter around, but it is so difficult to declutter while trying to survive.
Yes, I understand what it's like to be married to someone like that, it's very traumatizing. It's taken me years to heal from this. I'm still healing and praying and healing.... it's a process ✝️🙏✝️.
Start by doing 15 minutes a day . Use microwave timer on and stop after 15 minutes. Doing 15 minutes a day will be 1.5 hrs a week. Increase as you become competent and feel no so tired anymore
Me to and the distress this causes me comes at me ten fold. I tried yesterday decluttering with the help of my mom. I managed 2 boxes. Today I’ve not been able to get out of bed and feel incredibly unwell. I’ve been emotional. When I should be feeling like I’ve achieved small steps I feel worse
My husband recently had to be hospitalized for four months due to a back injury. The 911 emergency workers and police reported us to social services for having a toxic mess and for the clutter being unsafe for him. I was forced to have my house cleaned or they wouldn't let him come home and he would probably be placed in a home. We worked with the social worker and she put me in touch with a restoration company. We split the cost and I just had my home professionally deep-cleaned and de-cluttered. 13 years worth of clutter, cigarette butts and grimy dirt! It cost thousands of dollars and was well worth it! I feel so happy and energized and have now organized my papers and finances. My self-esteem is soaring and now I don't feel fear and shame at the thought of having people drop in. I hope others can somehow get help in clearing and cleaning their homes. My city has a "hoarding team" which works in conjunction with our health department. I just couldn't do it on my own. I spent 3 1/2 months planning it my head and was paralyzed as far actually making a move on my own. So when it was coming to "crunch time" about a week befoe he was released, we finally hired the restoration team. They cleaned the house from top to bottom in 3-4 days. The health department chipped in thankfully. I would encourage people to check and see if their municipality or health department could assist in both counseling you and in doing the actual clean-up. It may cure your needless suffering. Most of all, I wish you lots of ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🕊🕊🕊🕊
What a great story of inspiration Christine! Thank you for sharing about your city having a "hoarding team" - what a great, great idea! I had no idea such a thing might exist! It's always so inspiring when people are courageous enough to share their truth - so thank you!! Enjoy this new space & place within yourself. ♥
That is wonderful ! We knew some people that used to be our neighbors that had a house that was dirty and over taken by animal smell. The husband had a stroke and lived a few more years in this mess before he died. Too bad they didn’t have to clean it up before he came home from the hospital. I feel his last years would have been more peaceful in a clean, decent environment.
Thank you for sharing your amazing experience. I'm glad your husband was able to come back to your home and share in your reenergized space. So brave of you to go through this and tell us about the experience. The fact that your city government was able to facilitate and help pay for this service is so great! I for one never realized that this was an option out there. Love and light to you and I'm sure your newfound energy will lead you down new and exciting paths!❤️
Wow. What a wonderful support response. I'm so glad you were able to get that kind of help from your community. My best hopes for you and your husband.
Its similar to how people with a ton of unresolved & unhealed trama/baggage are over x10 more likely to be addicted to something, their brains are seeking coping mechanisms for all the stockpiled hidden pain and they don't even know it.
I actually organized a pile of important papers today, and I felt so good afterward, I actually mowed my lawn and have been singing ever since. Lately, I tend to put away one or two things every time I walk into a room or a different space, and my Mantra has been: "Hey, it's better than it was" LOL. One day at a time, my friends. We're going to make it through this.
Same! I also may do something like "today I will clean up 26 things" (since I'm 26 years old). My husband does the same thing because I do it (he cleans 32 things)
I love this! "Hey. It's better than it was!" Very good thing to say to yourself after improving in any way. It's like giving yourself a gold star for your little victory! I got 2 things done today that were hanging over my head for a while now... but at the cost of failing at getting done another thing I really wanted to get done today too. I'm trying to focus on giving myself credit for the 2 things and not to sulk about the failure of the 1 task not completed.
Your method is the same method i have for cleaning house. I pick up clothes to put in the laundry and i remember i have to put the wash in the dryer, which i also have to empty before i can empty the washing machine. Then i remember I needed some of that stuff to clean your machine off of Amazon so I go to my phone to order it before i forget. Then when I'm on Amazon i remember that i meant to order vitamins so i order those too. And the beat goes on.....
Recently, I was trying to remove "One thing, from each room, every day." It was going pretty well up to the point when i had to go out of state for a bit, then got sick, then had a family emergency, then injured my back. Hoping to get back on track soon. Like you said, one day at a time. And appreciate the win, no matter how small.
I just broke down after the first 5 minutes because NEVER in my entire life has anyone taken my clutter problem serious. People either make it a morality thing where you are lacking as a human OR people try to show you how it's actually not that hard you just have to *insert endless stream of tidying up tips and tricks and systems*. I've tried telling people how my relationship with clutter is something very deep and disregulated and how I totally fall apart to the core of my being every time I try to adress it but no one really listens so THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. I feel seen.
It's a vicious cycle. Not only do I have some hoarding issues, but my brother was a hoarder and my mother was a depression-era mom. My hoarding brother passed away over a year ago and my mother moved in with my other brother due to her dementia. Here I am trying to get my mother's house straightened out while dealing with other family drama. I am ADHD and the sole caregiver of my autistic niece. So I am extremely overwhelmed. This makes me feel like I can't do anything. It's very hard to even start. But I did one thing. I got rid of a mattress that was just sitting around and that opened up a lot of space. Seeing that freespace motivated me to get started and I have gotten a lot done since then.
I love your Analysis of the Space. I go at least 5 years at a time collecting clutter until I've had enough and start cleaning until I run out of steam (usually when all space is used and I don't want to get rid of anything). I usually get started by opening up one space area. Then I use that space for sorting and getting rid of things while deciding where to put keep things. My first step is to get boxes and sort between trash and non-trash (Non-Trash Gets sorted according to the room I'm going to just those those things in while I focus on decluttering and cleaning just one room). Sadly, I've never gotten fully past the first step in my 22 years of adulthood. But at least I can manage not to let my home become a hoarder's paradise.
You can do this! You are obviously the strongest person ever because you were gifted for caring for others that cannot take care of themselves. It's helped me to do just 1 thing, without allowing any other thoughts to creep in. Do 1 thing at a time. If you make a decision on 1 thing, move to the next. And allow yourself to feel the accomplishment of doing that 1 thing. Good luck!
I celebrate the tiniest of successes these days. like putting away one or two items when I go into another room. My Mantra has been Hey it's better than it was. But you're right, even doing one thing provides instant gratification ( and probably a dopamine rush LOL) and really helps with the shame. I got rid of an exercise machine & 3 old lawn mowers that were part of the giant mountain of things in my garage and it really really helped. You quite a lot on your hands to go through at one time, and I am relating with you quite a bit with my situation. We got this! I truly feel lighter and have hope for the future. I know we're going to make it :) I'm so practiced at being resilient but today I had some healthy anger and my Rebellion picked up today and I literally refuse to let these difficult times get the best of me. Light and love and healing strength to you, my friend.
As a child, my parent would demand that I clean and then scream at me the entire time. It was never good enough. I was constantly teased for being the messy one. It felt like I could never get away from any of it. It ate away at my self worth. I broke free from it all when I gave away 99% of what I owed in 2021. For the first time in my life I felt free. I was free of expectation. Free of things I don’t want or need. Life is simpler with less! I can still be a bit messy (especially when I cook) but as I heal, I desire a calmer, less cluttered environment.
oh my god i had the exact same experience. my mother was so disgustingly abusive and shamey when it came to cleaning. OF COURSE i'd grow to fcking hate it and avoid it. in my case i still accumulate things and am messy, but i'm slowly getting better as i heal as well. congratulations on your healing so far and blessings for your future healing.
I have the same problem! My dad would yell at me that I'm messy and to clean but didn't tell me how or what to do. My mother would scream at me to clean and then tell me I did it wrong and she would do it herself after I had tried. I learned that it's not something I can do and just didn't try anymore because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I would just avoid it. I'm trying to associate good things with cleaning now. I put on music and make a to do list and watch cleaning videos to learn. I'm not over it but I'm working on it.
I do (but from here on it will be DID) this. I don't scream at them the entire time but I get so angry that they don't do it right. It's always been in my head, that they have enough time to do it right. Thank you for sharing this. I have never seen it from this perspective. (OCD on cleanliness but not clutter apparently)
I can sooo relate, y'all! Not only did my mom yell at me with an abusive mantra that she repeated until I cried so hard I was hyperventilating, then she would have me go help her organize (hold boxes, put them down, hand them back to her) When I was curious about what was in a box and wanted to know more, I got in trouble for asking, shamed, and learned to be quiet and play assistant to my mom, praying she wouldn't re-start the abuse. When I got introduced to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and could name "a part of me holds on to things longer than they are useful" or "a part of me feels overwhelmed and doesn't believe I can ever get organized," REALLY helped me stop shaming myself and start believing in me. I LOVE organizing WITH someone helping me (ADHD, too) White board helps me loads, too! Love and Peace, Hope & Deep Breathing to you all! xo
yep. and i've noticed surrounding myself with stuff i like (books, games, clothes, journals) and letting them be everywhere/wherever instead of organizing them, makes me feel constantly "comforted". i also love that i am rebelling against my abusive mom's obsession with "cleanliness" over even her children's mental health.
Clutter is definitely a symptom of being unwell. There's also this feeling that your stuff is your family, and you refuse to get rid of it and make it "feel" abandoned because you know yourself what it feels like to be abandoned.
@@weissblauyou are not alone. Get help and work things out together. Baby steps. The legacy you want to leave behind is good memories, not mega clutter. Go through those memories one by one while discarding
I think many younger people today are embracing the exact opposite idea. Trauma has become trendy like a fashion style that many people on social media try to one-up each other with.
That is a common mistake among people. If a person HAS flu, flu is seen as a disease caused by microorganisms. But for some strange reason, people say "you ARE" + name of a mental issue. To BE and to HAVE are different things. We need NOT to normalize lack of health. I suspect that narcissistic people with power want not to be criticized and that is why they promote such ill normalization principles. They fear criticism so much and they believe that they are the standard, not the outlier. And that is part of their disorder.
Just explained to my adult son as we watched this video that anxiety/clutter/anxiety/(etc.) is not only a vicious cycle that "snowballs" as things get worse, but often are a chicken/egg phenomenon. It is not important which came first, and often there is no way to tell. Other things, such as being busy and short on time, and pulled from all sides, I've found, can trigger both at the same time! Often there are external factors -- sometimes related to past trauma -- that can trigger one, the other, or both. It is good to be aware of this, and prepared to break the cycle early, as soon as you are away. This video, perhaps most importantly, helps one prepare to identify the presence of clutter/anxiety, and get in front of it. Start small, especially if feeling overwhelmed. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was the site for building Roma cleared/decluttered in a day! I explained to my son that if you know both are occurring and you find yourself in pajamas on Saturday at 11 AM, sometimes the best thing you can do to work on the clutter (and to dispel the feeling of being overwhelmed) is to take a shower and get dressed, first! Clutter/anxiety is tied closely into associated (even if minimal semblance of) depression and self-defeating thoughts. Best to start at the bottom with the simple yet important things, and work up ... Little by little. Minimalism movement is great, but some influencers make it sound easy and once-and-done. It is most certainly not! Decluttering, like Minimalism, is a process of not only changing the status quo, but also changing our outlooks and behaviors. This can only occur a little at a time. Again, Rome...
I never found it relaxing struggling to keep up . When I was young, I was rushing around like a nut case trying to keep everything in placemaking. Sure, laundry toys, etc. We're all put in place and nicely done. And I had several older ladies. Tell me your children will only be children for a little while. And you're not even letting them play healthfully. Because you are insistent upon having everything, put away nicely, they said, relax and enjoy your life Perfection is not to be all and end all. In fact my mind felt so much more healthy after that. There did come time as my children got olderthat I insisted they help me keep things organized. And to be honest, I have a couple of my children who are not healthy mentally but they keep their place in order and it is a big thing for them. I think somehow some people feel like if you look organized and you look healthy somehow. It will happen and you will feel better about yourself. I don't know. I definitely need to unclutter but I do not want to become obsessed with it again like I used to be
This 38 minute video right here is why I think this woman, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, is truly magical. How did she come to make this connection that trauma and clutter are related? It is so profound and so helpful.
My issue with clutter is directly caused by my parents randomly intruding into whatever activity I was engaged to harass and berate me over a situation that had usually been sitting there for some time. They'd force me to clean my room while shrieking the most horrible insults that kids shouldn't deal with at all, my dad loved to stand there while I was washing dishes and tell me what an awful person I was. I tied the knot with my husband on the condition that he would never ask me to do the dishes, ever. I've always hated cleaning and just assumed everyone else did, too. I started watching Clutterbugs, which gave me great insight into my organizational style, which helped a lot, then I started watching Aurikaterina. She LOVES to clean! I was profoundly moved watching this woman bring joy to cleaning, it really changed my perspective on the issue. I bought microfiber cloths, a squeegee and degreaser for the first time and actually started using them. Then I started watching videos on minimalism and the clutter really started to disappear. My family used to tell me that I hated cleaning, then I found out I really loved cleaning, just not when someone was screaming in my face while I was doing it!
Me too! So glad you came up in my feed. I'm just starting therapy for depression and want him to watch this video because I don't know if he understands these connections. I got a TBI (traumatic brain injury) at work in April 2019 and I've never been so overwhelmed with clutter, and feelings of absolute humiliation. I'd just unloaded 2 storage units to my small home after selling my 2nd home. My current home is 675 sq ft the other was 2025 sq ft and there was a lot of things to purge, donate, etc. My intention was to go through it all as quickly as possible and then I got the TBI and multiple bodily injuries. Within 5 days I couldn't walk or talk normal and had multi tonal tinnitus 24/7 and couldn't sleep for almost 2 years. I would go in spurts of purging then go into the inability to make decisions mindset and I was fatigued by the mental, emotional thoughts of the daunting tasks and then beating myself up over being 'lazy'. I'm still not back to work as dizzy spells from the injury keep resurfacing and it's likely I may not be able to. I'm a flight attendant and I loved my job, so I'm also dealing with confusion, fear, and uncertainty of my future. I'm feeling like a shell of my 'self' as I've had no social life, no physical support system other than by phone with a few friends. I know just having my clutter gone I will free up stuck energy and feel better about myself and see more open choices for my life. But I'm 67 and I feel I'm just watching the countdown of my life as I lose myself in the process.
Growing up poor... that really hit home. Trauma, fear of losing someone or something precious, fear of losing memories, hoarding and clutter are a big part of my life. Your success gives me hope.
@@batintheattic7293 security that came in handy when lockdowns due to the pandemic occurred, but not necessary at all times. I am striving to make it into a reasonable amount instead of going overboard like a zombie apocalypse is about to happen! I think my anxiety over the uncontrollable has a huge part in my hoarding, growing up poor was just a part. Praying for healing.
Yes. A lot of decluttering advice is "Just toss it - you can buy another if you need it." But many people can't buy another when the time comes. Anyone who has ever been poor probably hangs onto more things "just in case."
I have tons of stuff - all stored away neatly - every wardrobe, cupboard etc is crammed full, my place does not look messy but I can’t throw stuff away- I just realized listening to this video how growing up poor has affected me - I think everything is precious and has to be kept !
That's funny, while I was reading your comment, I initially thought that was the comment that I just finished writing. I have the same problem as you, I'm a twin, I can't seem to throw things away. They are tucked away in my storage that I pay monthly ($70) I visit this storage very often because I'm ALWAYS storing something. Ironically, I keep buying stuff as well. God help me.
@ Recently I moved house and had to take a storage unit to make the move easier - now I’m worried I will just fill it with more stuff - even though I did throw away a lot of things, I was shocked by the amount of things I had accumulated 😞
So much is made of chaotic hoarding, which is often also squalor hoarding where there's pest control issues and rotten food/actual trash in the board. Barely any mention of organised hoarding though, which it sounds like all of you on this post may have. The need to constantly acquire, whether through shopping or thrifting free stuff, is part of hoarding. I'm working on my own organised hoarding too. Been working on it a year, got rid of 2k items approx gone from my tiny home and made attempts to curb my spending a bit. Finally things are starting to look better now. It's taken all this time to start to see a visible difference.
While listening to you I was making a donation pile and bagging it. For the last couple months I've taken at least two bags a week and drop them off on my way to work. The wonderful feeling I get from this is fantastic! I've ended toxic relationships by saying no to people who aren't good for my mental health. I'm about to pay off a credit card, I bought myself some new furniture and am changing my diet. I'm tired of being " stuck".
The older I get and less physicality I have, the more crap stacks up...cant declutter when u cant pickup the bags and boxes, so we stack...nobody likes around me and now its too cluttered to hire someone😢😂
I've found that working on my clutter in 5 minute increments is manageable. Thinking I have to spend 2 hours or all day on it makes it even more overwhelming that it already is. Five minutes feels manageable. This also helps with my mental clutter.
I agree. Used to motivate my kids with the finale of the William Tell Overture (Lone Ranger music) to see how much we could put away before that rousing music ended. Nowadays I play the "game of 10" with myself. When the clutter is overwhelming, I say to myself, "Well, I'll just put away 10 things." That goes fast and I'm usually motivated to play the same game again and again.
Thank you! I'll try that, one small spot, 5-10 minutes a day. It should eventually help make a difference. All the paper clutter is so embarrassing but every time I try to fix it, my heart starts pounding and I'm extremely overwhelmed.
Thanks for the tip. Actually, after watching this video I started removing stuff already. Will work on toiletries later in the day. This is so freeing.
Gosh! Clutter is a SYMPTOM. A side effect. Not a character flaw or mental disability. So much truth and enlightenment in the first 7 minutes of this video. Thank you! 👏💡
@@Abril-1234 True! It's worse when we get older. Just FOLLOW simple rules - Throw garbage in garbage can. All garbage and food. Keep the kitchen sink empty. Hang up clothes. Put clothes in drawers. ALWAYS clean the toilet bowl. Vacuum - picks up hair, dust, crumbs, ashes. Maybe you're eligible for a home health aid. In NJ they do laundry, vacuum, dust, clean bathroom, wash dishes - like a personal house cleaning. Please look into that through your social services, food stamps and ask your Doctor. You can do it!!! God bless you 🌹✝️🌹
@@lizziesangi1602 I can get through the first half of your list dealing with the kitchen. I may not always get to everything else - as long the kitchen is clean and organized - it becomes my focal point to help me not get overwhelmed as much.
@@tillygirl7450 Put the stuff on a weekly calendar because breaking it down makes it easier. Once that system is working add small tasks to it. Be aware of your place feeling better to be in & treat yourself with a new tea, flowers, etc..
Clutter can also be a shield of privacy. If you've had your privacy violated or lacked control as a kid or always has people trying to invalidate your mind, you end up using clutter to put barriers between intruders and a peaceful refuge where you can be yourself, where you can hide pieces of yourself in the clutter that the abuser can't find. The problem is when it gets to a point where you can't even find what you stashed in the clutter, and then you end up forgetting where you put yourself. 😵💫 So decluttering is important to keep yourself organized and getting away from abuse is important so you don't have to hide yourself from anyone in your own house.
Thank you so much for your comment. My mother violated every part of me… she raided my room and my clothes regularly. Then I married an abusive, invasive, controlling alcoholic. I managed to heal a lot in therapy and get away from all my abusers. EMDR helped a lot. But then the pandemic brought back all the chaos and distress of my unpredictable childhood. I was once again afraid in my own home. I couldn’t see any point in cleaning just to stay locked up alone in my house. I felt safer with stuff piled all around me. I’m definitely in hiding. Thank you for what you shared. I feel less alone. I’m finally starting to find other ways to feel safe in the world again, and working at coming out from behind all my barricades. 🙏💕✨
Thank you for saying that. Now I understand why I keep my wardrobe of clothes on half of my bed that my ex would have had as his side. He was an abuser and withdrew from me sexually. And I never felt safe sleeping next to him. Not sure what to do with this.
SAME HERE!!! Your comment does me MUCH GOOD to read 😊🙏 (and the number of thumbs up when I read your comment is the same # as my birthday lol. A sentimental, meaningful synchronicity for me 😊 🧡) ALL THE BEST! All mighty, gentle, enjoyable, strengthening healing to you.
I understand this we live in the past and have to let things go. It's all psychological. Get counseling and pray. Try to live in the present. I am working on this now.
I do that every day. It doesnt get anywhere. At some point you may need help. Everyday i do whats in front of me which is the dogs stuff the kids stuff the dishes the sink the floor the bathroom etc... but theres then no energy left for organising the guitar related things. Or the old laptop chargers in a box. Lol. At a certain point you have to go beyond whats in front of you which is the daily chores and get somone in to help with the overload.
@@Padraigp I'm finding that taking good supplements, and increasing my protein intake has increased my energy, and I am able to accomplish more. It is a good feeling! 😍 🌿 🙆🏻♀️
@@GypsyGirl317 nice. I should remember to get more protien as well when i did force myself it made a difference my muscles felt a lot less sore all the time but ive not been doing it lately. Coffee is not the bets breakfast but sometimes all i feel i have time for. Thanks for the reminder!
The fact that she’s opens about her past, especially like being poor and airbrushes of foundation, gives her more credit and is more trustworthy. Thank you so much.
I did not have childhood trauma and was neat and tidy for decades…..until I married a narcissist. I was never familiar with this disorder and after the “love bombing” experienced emotional and verbal abuse that was foreign to me. I knew I had to leave, then he had a stroke and the guilt of “what will people think if I leave him now…he was such a great guy”, kept me in the marriage another seven years. I almost let his behavior kill me physically and emotionally. Over seven years have passed and I am finally done picking up the pieces of myself. During the period of divorcing, my clutter was paralyzing. I slowly dug myself out with the help of my son…..but I’m a work in progress. Thank you for your insight. I need to hear more of what you have to say!
@user-bs5sk9kp3c you are never alone. God is with you. Reach out to DV support groups, maybe that will help. I know the shame is paralizing...Please love yourself enough to get out of unkind situations.
Me too! I kept the best house and I was super mommy until he broke me. Now I'm just broken and no longer social butterfly as my own children I hardly even see anymore because I don't leave the house in order to go do anything and they don't want to just come hang out with me at my house. Why don't they want to come hang out at my house? Because I just have a lot of stuff! There's a never-ending cycle to this s***.
The important thing to remember here is that she says it’s a strong hypothesis. This is her rendition of clutter. Being too organized can also be a symptom of trauma as it gives one a sense of control. Don’t beat yourself up. Just make effort to do better everyday.
It's ok. She's talking to those of us with clutter issues. The last section is very helpful, because it expands "clutter" to emotional blocks. It's wonderful content!
@latebloomer7191 cut it out.. thenOP has a right to express an opposing opinion if she wants..! control your issues..! they can be either side of the fence.. gl!
Remember too much of anything is no good, everything within good measure is much better. This is my motto: House clean enough to be healthy and home dirty enough to be happy. Please, let's not punish ourselves for things we can't control all at once. One day at a time, and if not, one hour at a time. Just learn to love our God within and we'll all be alright. What we need will be placed in our path - trust it - just like these videos "Crappy Childhood Fairy" Thank you so much for all your insight.
Yes! My mom is an OCD neat-freak, to the point of causing trauma from her trauma. I built walls of crap around me in order to keep her away from me. I've tried to discuss it with her, but she claims I'm just lazy. She is incapable of understanding.
Holy S*&%!!!!!! Lady, you just NAILED my childhood. Strangely enough, 4 years ago I had to have help to escape a very bad relationship and I couldn't for the life of me understand what or how it happened to me but the bottom completely fell out from under me. I am a Marine and from the time I left home until 4 years ago - EVERYTHING was always neat, clean organized and I was NEVER ashamed to let anyone into my home. I was proud, to be honest. Suddenly, I couldn't find the energy to clean or put anything away or be who I knew myself to be. You just hit me with a spotlight and might have just pointed the spotlight on my issue. THANK GOD FOR YOU.
I understand, I always used to have a proud home I called “guest ready”. Now, at my age and with sobriety I am drowning in trauma and I live in clutter and am ashamed of having guests over. It must be worse as a marine as you are trained to be neat and bounce coins off the bed. Now, I just can’t get out of bed.
@@jasonhansen8996 I dunno how right I am about stuff anymore. I’m having such a hard time lately. Is it something in the air? How did I go from what I was to this? If you could see the clutter.. it’s not just that.. so much of myself I think is lost. Or gone. I’ve always been better pals and roommates with military folks because of ‘certain things’. I’ve not served, however. How are you?
I am grateful that I found this video. My best friend, now deceased, had all of the clutter listed above and it was so hard for me to deal with her mental state and her house that had TONS of clutter. Now I realize that she had childhood trauma which lead to this. I knew her since we were four years old and she died at 62. Her lifestyle and brain activity drove me crazy as everything was so stressful to her. She was abused by her brothers growing up, her dad was a critic and her mother was a drunk who never got out of bed. In those days you could send children to the liquor store for cigarettes and alcohol if they had a note, and so the mom would lay around in bed, in her moo moo, and get drunk and chain smoke. I always knew my friend was neglected, but since I was too, I thought she would be like me and get over it. I guess some people don't. Although she is gone, I can now cut her a little more slack knowing that she was out of control and had no help.
@lesliefitzgerald2354 I sincerely hope you don’t let that bother you or make you feel bad that she drove you a little crazy. I get we all deal with things differently, but that was your best friend. That you was SO LUCKY to have for so long and I’m sure she knew you just meant well. A best friend doesn’t tell you what you WANT to hear, they tell you what you NEED to hear! I knew my best friend since birth, I only got ALMOST 15 years with her, and she consistently called me out when I needed it. She never let me just go with things. I knew it was because she loved me. That was a real friend. A real friend ALWAYS wants the best for you. I tell all the younger girls that I know if your best friend isn’t hyping you up even when you’re out shining her, she ain’t your friend. My JayGirl died Aug. 17th of 07 an her birthday is Oct. 20th. She would have been 15. I was just 15 myself when she passed. I’m 32 now. Not a day goes by I don’t think of her. She’s irreplaceable. 62 is too young, but your very lucky to have had as much time with her as you did. I like to think I keep a part of my bestie alive by who I am, I’m sure she’s still alive in you when people you knew see you. ♥️ I know this was so random and I hope you took it as heartfelt as I meant it. I just read that and for some reasons listed it really clicked with me.
So grateful you were her friend all those years, even if some moments were difficult for you. It's difficult to be as patient as you have had to be to be her friend. I get it! Thank you! GOD bless you! 💌🥳
I’ve finally gotten to the point where I prove to myself I’m healing every time I clean or straighten something up… every time I put something in its place I tell myself how wonderful I am!!! It’s helping!
Me too. I've become somewhat obsessed with cleaning after escaping an extremely messy environment where I was basically incapable of organizing or cleaning or anything of the sorts. It was also unhealthy, because I've literally had bad breakdowns if I was unable to clean on my "routine clean day" just because I was so horribly afraid that if I don't clean it now I'll never be able to clean again and somehow will go back to that horrid mess I've been living in. I think it's slowly going away and now I'm starting to just appreciate the act itself. I feel accomplished when I see a clean space and I feel like my efforts have paid off. It makes my brain feel good, in a way, like almost nothing does. It's also just nice to do an activity where you can just kind of turn your brain off and just "scrub scrub vacuum scrub no thoughts head empty", it's such a nice feeling when most of the time your brain seems to work on emergency mode.
What it comes down to is being stuck in survival mode after trauma, then all non-essential tasks become very difficult to perform because they're not directly related to surviving. If you are constantly on high alert, your mind cannot engage with menial tasks such as cleaning, tidying, organizing and so on. I've noticed that when I reach a point where all of my life stress is at a low level and there are no pressing survival issues (bills paid, work secured, food available, relationships are good, health is good etc.) then I automatically get the urge to clean and organize my space. That is a rarity however and most of the time it's like pulling teeth to even wipe a counter or take out the trash.
You are absolutely right. My parents were traumatized when they were young, and they in turn traumatized their own children, but this is where I put the stop for my own children. I deal with my CPTSD one day at a time and every day is a new day for healing. I am moving forward everyday, age 65 with CPTSD, and I thank you for your channel.
I'm about 7 minutes in and I can't stop crying. I didn't even realise how sad this makes me feel. I'm struggling so much : clutter in my closets and bedroom. Our downstairs is fine - I try to keep it as orderly as possible if anyone comes by but upstairs is a mess. I feel SO ASHAMED! I've also been struggling with my weight. You definitely touched a nerve with me. I have always said to my husband that my cluttering and messiness MUST surely be due to my terrible childhood - but eat the same time I didn't want to make it an excuse either. My father was Bipolar (but when he wasn't in his cra&zy manic state, he was a good father) and a depressive abusive mother. She'd smack us and scream at us all day every day. She'd say we were all worthless and stupid and being the sort of middle child (well I have a younger sister by 2 years but she was always cherished and sheltered from mom's rants - "funnily" enough she is a veritable psychopath now diagnosed with HND (I think it's Histrionic Narcissistic Disorder). I ended up leaving for university at 18 but didn't know what I wanted and flunked (never any order to cope with studying) so I left and came to Europe. I recognise now that I was fleeing an awful situation at home. I could literally write a book - and I would if I didn't procrastinate so much (almost comical). Anyway, I got a second chance at life with a wonderful husband and by some miracle, I had a second daughter (naturally) when I was 45. She is truly the light of my life. I just need to lose weight and get my health back. I was obsessed learning about keto and fasting but to get down and "just do it' is so hard. I now do a 36 hr fast every week but I must combine that with keto to really see results. Ugh. SO much in my mind. So much to do... I'm usually a jovial person actually but for some reason this video really made me cry deeply. Anyway, I had better put cold water on my face as my husband just dropped off our little girl at her granny's for the day (she'll be 9 next week) and he took the day off so we could spend some special time together. I desperately need guidance. It's as if I need someone to take me by the hand and to gently tell me what to do. Huge irony as I HATE being told what to do - my mother was so awful to me/us. That's where it comes from I guess. I'll be looking through your videos to try to see if I can find any tips on how to jump start myself. You seem like such a kind person.
I am a life coach and these are areas of my expertise in helping people move forward. I am also a mindset Mentor. I would love to give you a free 20 minute consultation if you are interested.
Canuckbelgo, I feel your pain! 😢 Luckily, before a beach vacation I got determined & had a breakthrough! I went low carb (Healthy Atkins/Keto) & finally started losing weight, so far 7 lbs!!! I watched tons of Keto and Functional Medicine Doctors like Dr Hyman, Dr Berg etc... So I did it by delaying breakfast til 10am, skipping lunch or grabbing a piece of cheese & meat or an apple (no bread!) if I felt light headed and we have dinner at 5:30-6. I have substituted wild rice or quinoa for brown rice or potatoes & a large mixed green salad, sometimes with sunflower seeds. Olive oil & red wine or balsamic vinegar for dressing. Now, this is the start of the FAST, so eat nothing til 10am the next morning! YOU CAN DO IT, YOU GOT THIS! 🎉😅 🙏 🤲 🕊 ♥️
Just always remember after your triggers anxiety etc that do many are just like you. & its ok to be how you are. A work in progress. Some of just take a bit more hilly path. ♡
I recently cleaned out a room that had become a storage room. As I went through the layers it was almost like an archaeological dig and I could tell what was happening in my life at the time that that particular stack was created. I realized I was getting super emotional on a certain stack that matched up with the month my dad spent in the hospital. I hadn’t let myself feel any of it. Cleaning out the room also cleaned out the heaviness I had had in my heart over the last 10 months
I’ve done the same thing~ Bless your heart!!! We are so thankful for this realization, aren’t we! It’s rough, but amazing at the same time… may you be blessed as you continue to progress!
To me, a cluttered room looks like it's screaming. I'm unable to function until it's organized, and once that's done, I can breathe, I feel relaxed and there's a feeling of accomplishment. Ashtrays that are full to the max and people continue to fill it up more by just shuffling the butts around, that drives me crazy! I'm like "Just empty it already"!!!
I agree, I’m usually really cluttered. I’ve noticed even when I clean, it doesn’t make me feel less anxious or depressed. I feel the same, the room is just cleaner.
Same! Or even if I've cleaned my room, bathroom, etc., I know there's a mess hiding in the cabinets and closet, so cleaning doesn't really feel as fulfilling as it should.
@@despicabledavidshort3806 I can clean all day but never feel like I cleaned enough....or the overwhelm doesn't go away and I use the excuse of cleaning my house to basically hide from all of my other responsibilities but it really feels like I have to clean because I want to feel calm, but it doesn't work.
Thank you for telling me my clutter is not just lazyness or learned behavior. I am in my late 70's and by top bucket list item, is clean up my clutter before I die. That is not what I want to be remembered for. Also their is about $50,000 worth of good stuff that needs to be sorted. I am making progress but live alone in a 3000 sq ft house with 4 garages, and I have lived here by myself for over 40 yrs. I did not have a terrible childhood, but a very isolated one. Both of my parents and all of my siblings had or have OCD anxiety and or depression. 2/3 of us have gotten at least some help, but with age those who will not get help have drifted away from the center of the family which is distressing to the rest of us. On the plus side my clutter serves as a security system, anyone breaking in would knock stuff over, get lost in the maze and pray they can find their way back out.
If you keep a task list of some kind, I also highly recommend adding things you've already done that weren't on the list. Moving them immediately to "complete" status gives that tiny dopamine boost and can help motivate you to get other things done too.
This is spot on to me. Clutter is a reflection of inner clutter. My journey with clutter and tolerance for it has moved naturally as I've healed. I now love throwing or gifting away what I would not want to move in 2-4 weeks if I had to. I've noted that certain physical and sexual trauma victims clutter their appearance by design to avoid drawing attention.
I do this. It’s quite helpful to add one or two tasks which I have just completed onto my current task list. Say I suddenly scrub the tub because I see it is dirty and that’s yucky RIGHT NOW. Having done that sometimes will allow me to make a to-do list and Do It.
You nailed my life. Raised in a poor family I always wanted a workshop of my own. When I got it I was afraid to use it because I didn't have a warehouse full of materials and was afraid to "waste" what precious materials to work with that I had. So I would build workbenches but use them like shelves so I never had a place to actually work. I bought industrial shelves and filled them with stuff I haven't touched in 20 years, thats how important this stuff was to me. Thank ;you for the explanation of what I had working against me. Now I can try to declutter my life to make room for what I like to do....play in my shop. Maybe I won't be paralyzed with thought when I need to cut into a nice board.
Yes, growing up poor is definitely part of not willing to let things go. It also relates to investing and not willing to take appropriate risks. It’s like once acquired I’m not letting it go. Period.
Clutter began for me almost 20 years ago when my mom died and I had to raise my special needs sister who was 13 at the time. I became so overwhelmed that I couldn't focus on anything other than my sister. The clutter in my mind spilled over into all aspects of my life. This video is so powerful and life changing!
What I relate to is so much these life events the passing of someone where we take on the items of other people, especially the items of other people we care and love so much that have gone on… Parents, death, kids, leaving the nest,… It’s not where it all began for me with clutter, but it intensified the situation and itmade the part where I feel immobile locked into place
Oh, but what I meant to say, you have a situation in the present tense a living situation, a life situation that demands all your attention. You can’t always just take care of even having a few extra hours or minutes to fix up all the clutter and get it organized, especially with the overwhelm in your life and mind.
All other videos on YT about hoarding and clutter are garbage compared to this one. You’re so right and express yourself so genuinely and clearly. You’re realistic and show the root causes instead of the annoying clean freaks, minimalists types that make us messies feel like 💩. This is groundbreaking stuff! Love it and want to change my life even at 66 years of age. ❤
People love to ridicule others who have messy houses and clutter. It's not that simple and the clutter tends to accumulate over the years and it becomes an uphill battle to the one or ones struggling with it. People typically don't even try to understand their situation.
"Your trauma is an injury but it's not an identity. It's not what you are." So true! And I see so many people hang on to past hurts like a badge of honor instead of moving forward in life, but I've never heard it so distinctly worded. Thank you.
Yes, it makes you limp through life, never knowing why, instead of run. Get surgery and get it out. Take medication if necessary and go to counseling. Never disclose it, many people who had never been through traumatic events will rarely understand you. They may even be cold and callous. Go to God. People understand physical disease but not mental wounds or injuries. Unless they physically see i, they won't believe you.
@@SusieW-e3y I can relate to being stalked, but had the opposite reaction. I wanted everything organized so that if something was moved I would know. I had to find a balance and not let clutter or being OCD control my life. I hope you find your balance.
I would also say that my sense of order, of needing order in my home is also a strong indication of trauma. My feeling is that any extreme is an indication of variable degrees of mental distress. ~ the forgotten child
This is so well thought out and spoken. One thing that helped me was taking my sabbath. Sabbath is a day for rest. I chose the original Sabbath of Saturday. On this day it did not matter what my eyes fell on, I did not have to feel guilty OR get started on it. The way this worked was that I literally did the things I felt to be important in the 6 days before the Sabbath, and then I had a day off, and it did not matter what was left undone, or what anyone else thought I should be doing. I took the day off. everybody gets a day off. It was a life saver and it enabled me to get more done in the other six days. It was the best tool I had ever found. Thank you for helping us find more.
Wow! Beautiful suggestion, I do this like 3 years ago from now and is a joy and a really beautiful way to reach the wellness physically and spiritually, I have to confess that sometimes I skip but I always return to celebrate my day, is like my brain and body ask for it! Thanks to Hashem for his laws and counsel because He knows best!
What's a nightmare for me is the beatings and rapes I went through was centered around housework and cleaning. So the actual cleaning is very hard and terrifying for me.
I didn't experience the abuse that you did, but I was verbally abused and hit as a (very young) child because of not cleaning to standards, when I had not been taught how to do it. I am better now than I used to be, but I still have trouble cleaning when anyone is watching, and if someone criticizes or gives me advice about cleaning while I'm cleaning, I shut down. It's very hard. ❤️❤️
I appreciate the knowledge that clutter is part of my trauma. I just thought I was lazy and worthless. Overbuying food is one of my problems - if it's on sale, it's on my shelves. I have food that has been stored in my closet for a couple of years. I keep thinking that I will live off my shelves and stop buying groceries for a while, but then there comes a news report that food is going to be scarce and prices will just keep going up. I have double depression, CPTSD, and a few more serious diseases. I'm 65 and feel like it is too late to have any healing. I've been on antidepressants since my early 20's. The good thing is that I am learning about trauma, understanding why I am the way I am.
I believe that as long as you're alive and learning, there's no such thing as too late. Maybe your timing is perfect! My mom is 70, about to turn 71, (with childhood trauma and abusive partners as an adult), and she's taking steps forward, learning more, and her momentum has been building as she's slowly cut down on her meds. (With assistance from Drs) I believe whatever I feel drawn to learn more about holds my next step toward healing. Have you seen the documentary, "Medication Normal"? Whichever steps you take next, or even resting and processing, I'm rooting for you~
If possible, you can try to find EMDR therapy, there are online ones as well. For me, it started healing from my trauma unbelievably quickly - two sessions were enough to see the difference! I wish you strength and good health 👋
I have clutter because I’m exhausted and declutterring would require making decisions and doing work that right now would be overwhelming. So I closed my home from guests and I do a little bit at a time until I am comfortable in my house again and can invite friends in again. Right now people would judge, and I don’t need more of that clutter. I’m starting with the closets and small things. I’m not bringing anything in, and things are going out. I’m getting better one square foot at a time.
I grew up in a cluttered home with very messy parents, and it always made me uncomfortable; even as a kid, I knew that something wasn't right. So now, keeping my place organized and clean is incredibly therapeutic for me.
My childhood was similar - my difficult Dad had hoarding tendencies. But he blamed me for the mess and, too often, threw my belongings out when he decluttered. As soon as I got my own place, it felt important to keep it calm and clear. I still find that I have to create a peaceful, visual space before settling down to concentrate on something I enjoy.
Same and some of my behavior has gone the opposite. I keep so much control over my environment keeping it clear of clutter it becomes obsessive. I know it's a knee jerk reaction to growing up in clutter, and it's still based in anxiety
Same here. I never had company growing up and aside from relatives I still prefer not to. I hate clutter. It's an uphill battle for me because my two kids are so messy. Their 'clean' is not clean at all. The 12 year old always wants company over and it gives me so much anxiety but I allow it for her sake lol.
Childhood trauma can also create neat freaks like my mom. She was extremely organized and prided herself on household cleanliness but suffered terrible trauma in her youth. It was a way of having control in her environment when life was tremendous and utter chaos.
I had so much trauma in my youth! You name it and I’ve learned bed through it. I was the same as your mother UNTIL I was hurt on the job. Had a failed back surgery and began living in physical pain 24/7 (11 years ago). Then my mother who was my best friend, passed away and right after that I discovered my husband of 32 yrs cheating on me. My life is chaos and cluttered and I haven’t been able to change it.
I’m so so sorry all that has happened to you. He should never have treated you like that and I’m so so sorry for your loss, that is heartbreaking 💔 I’m glad you and your mother loved each other so much but I’m sorry you can’t share that friendship with her in the same way anymore. I doubt that anything I can say would help but I really hope you eventually arrive at a new normal that you can be at peace with 💕
@@em6644 Thank you! You are so kind! Little by little and day by day, my life is getting back to my happy place. I just have to purposefully get up every morning and focus on all the things I have to be grateful for (3 children and 5 grandchildren). I’m aware that children learn so much from their parents behavior. I can only pray my children learn that God has us during ALL times of our life. If God lead me to the storm, He will lead me out of it (or sometimes carry me out of it). I know I’ve never been through anything without coming through stronger and wiser than I was before. I thought I could not make it this far but God knew what I could handle. I won’t lie and say I haven’t wanted to give up. However, would I want my children or grandchildren to give up on life or deal with the suicide of a parent as I did as I watched my father put a bullet in head? Hell NO! I will teach by example. I will be strong for them. I will make them proud of me again. Thank you again for your kind words❤️🙏
@@ajuarez3869 One step at a time. Tidy for 15 mins where you can see immediately result. Celebrate the joy about them and bid it farewell. You will be okay. Be kind to yourself and rejoice in your uniqueness. Your mom made you and she was the best friend ever.
@@donijessen That is GREAT ADVICE! Thank you! You are so right about my mom. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. I try to make her proud every single day. Thanks again❤️🙏💪🏼
I trade time with a buddy that struggles with clutter as I do and we work at each other's house. Having that input and support really helps challenge you.
@crappychildhoodfairy I am seeing this for the first time at the end of December 2024. I have to keep pausing and rewinding to process what you are saying. In contrast to the thousands of dollars I have paid in therapy, you have honed in and sliced to the core of the issues that have plagued me my whole life. I am so grateful for you and your content.
This was one of your most profound videos! THANK YOU🙏 My Mom died in her EXTREMELY hoarded home that was bad enough to be on the show🙈 She’d struggled with this all my life & I really just KNEW she’d die that way😢 It cost over $25k to clean out the house & another $100k to repair it to sell. I had to throw out (couldn’t even donate) the majority of everything due to rotten food odor, bugs etc. I could never have friends over plus my Dad was an awful alcoholic. The shame I carried for all of this was TREMENDOUS! My Mom grew up very poor AND her father sexually abused her. She was in denial of all of this pain her entire life & it caused her to become a covert narcissist that prevented us from ever having a healthy relationship. I’m a FIRM believer that hoarding & clutter is definitely an emotional issue. I’m so happy the psychological community is FINALLY officially addressing this. I have my own hoarding tendencies. It’s definitely a lack mentality as I’ve had times in life where means were very slim. No matter where you are it’s NEVER TOO LATE!!!! You absolutely CAN overcome the literal & figurative “things” holding you back! Sending love, light & hope to you all struggling 🙏💝💫
@@MsEagle20 I find this comment very hurtful. 😪 I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked still by the things people will do on the internet, but here I am…and there you are. How do you think I felt when you attempted to shame me for telling the truth in an attempt to help someone else to not feel so much shame if they’re experiencing something similar? Perhaps you might’ve considered asking me questions before you assume that I called her a hoarder to her face. Hoarding disorder is a scientific term used to define the psychological construct in the DSM of psychological conditions that professional counselors use. It is not, nor did I use it as a slur or a form of degradation. I wonder why you’d reply with such a level of insensitivity to my vulnerable sharing? I didn’t write in a blaming or shaming tone regarding my Mom. In fact, I was vulnerable enough to express that I had my own tendencies. It’s simply the raw truth that I thought could help someone else. Telling the truth doesn’t mean I am shaming her. Yes my Mom was in a TREMENDOUS amount of pain AND as an adult who was responsible for an innocent child, she did nothing to help herself. As an adult, especially over the age of 25 when the brain is fully developed, it is OUR responsibility to work to heal our wounds, no matter who caused them. If not we will bleed all over those who never caused them. We may lean on others, including our faith & yet there is no rescue squad coming except the one we find. My Mother KNEW that our relationship (her ONLY child) was broke. & I begged my Mom to find healing & she only became worse & worse. I never knew my biological Father & the man she lived with was a violent alcoholic who sexually abused me. When I went to her with that, she blamed ME, an 8yr old child & STILL MARRIED THAT PEDOPHILE!!!!!! I could go on to shock you even more with the details of how my Mother abused & neglected me all her life….but I think you are hopefully starting to get the picture. Through all of this, I’ve actually STILL forgiven her & made peace with all of this because I realize the way my Mom treated me had nothing to do with me. It took me years of counseling & my faith to help me to get to that point. Now I can talk to my Mom with agape love. It’s not our fault if we get kicked out of our chair, but it sure is if we’re still on the floor years later not taking responsibility for getting up. No one helped me get up except the rescue squad I found. And it wasn’t my family. My Mom chose to never get up & it destroyed her life, all of her relationships & our trust. It has taken me 53 years to overcome all of the crap I was handed so please don’t tell me that I made my Mom feel bad. Oh no, she was already feeling all of that when I came along. Please find more empathy in your heart before you make quick comments to sensitive posts such as these. Please ask yourself…. “Does it REALLY need to be said, right now or by me?!”
You were right to realize that the internet can contain some pretty mean people. The comments you wrote were very insightful and helpful. I wish you luck on your healing journey
@Lisa Marie Shankles wow. If her mother was a hoarder, it's not this woman's fault. Nor should she have to couch her words. Raising children in a hoarded home is neglect, as well. Your comment sounds defensive. Someone, or maybe more than one person, has called you a hoarder, I suspect. And maybe you are a hoarder. Maybe this video will give you insight as to why, and maybe inspire you to take those first steps to make changes. Telling someone they are a hoarder usually is an attempt to wake that person up. Or it's just a statement of fact. Or it's someone expressing their pain and shame over having to live in an unsafe and unhealthy and unwelcoming home. .
The part about how clutter is actually a mechanism to hold life away from me had me in tears. This is exactly it. I have never understood what my problem is with the clutter. And it's not so much that I have old objects/clothes around, it's that I can't manage my day-to-day clothes. They always pile up in a chair or on a side of my bed or in the bathroom. I always do the laundry, take forever to fold the items and to put them away. and my room is always a mess because of that, and then there's the side table and the dust in the bookshelf. Keeping my space clean is very overwhelming for me, even though I swear it should be something simple and manageable. And then I just freeze because so much piles up and I just ignore the mess. This has definitely opened my eyes to my behavioural pattern with the constant mess. I have been in this freeze state for 2 weeks now where I know I need to be putting the stuff away. So, I'll do what she says: I'll start with one single thing today and go from there.
That’s me. I read somewhere that highly empathetic people have the same problem (laundry taking ages to be folded/put away). It seems there’s a connection with “keeping life away” as this video says. We develop these techniques to shield ourselves and they end up preventing us from enjoying life. What we need are boundaries, indeed.
I literally don't buy dressers or anything with drawers anymore because I've never been able to keep them organized. Even in my efforts to keep things organized with storage bins, racks or cubbies, I still end up with clutter within those "organization" bins. In the last few months, I've been tempted to throw everything away and start anew. Never have I ever associated this with CPTSD...thank you for shedding light on this.
I do have clutter in all my rooms. I've been job hunting for 2 and half years, so I do get exhausted. But what helps me is exercising to fast funky music. Then I listen while I'm doing dishes, cleaning top of stove, sweeping, clean the tub. If we make cleaning fun with music, then we can stop "Trudging into drudgery". Singing while cleaning is also uplifting and therapeutic. It's important to make it fun. Then we can feel good about it .
8/28/2024. Watching your video. I am now better able to understand my husband's battle with clutter. I would straighten it all out and he'd truly love it when I did it but he could not just simply maintain it and soon things would be back to being cluttered again. It was frustrating to me. I would also like to thank you for your transparency about your own life/childhood. I also discovered I have clutter trauma myself. I'm a neat housekeeper but my clutter trauma has an area, a place. There's always the neat room with a nightstand filled with stuff. I'm able to see it and recognize it. And I'll clear it away. I'm also the person that sees a crooked picture on a wall and cannot rest until I go straighten it. So maybe some OCD there as well. Again, thank you
My husband and I both have our clutter tendencies, as do our children. The most sustainable way to deal with it is for the person whose clutter it is, to tidy it up. My husband cleaned up and organized my pantry for me when I was in bed after surgery last year. The gesture came out of a good place, but having grown up clinically underweight, and in hindsight, absolutely 100% starving, I felt victimized. It was *my* food, and I felt out of control when stuff wasn't in its own place. If I can't see it where I left it, I panic instinctively. I was raised in a country where culturally, you finish your plate. There were no leftovers, because food was scarce. The act of finishing your plate is common in families that did not have an abundance, such as people who were children during the Great Depression, or WWII. It was important to fill bellies at all cost, even if it wasn't always nutritious, just stodgy carbs to fill a belly. I gained 30 pounds in 6 months after immigrating to the United States, because I kept finishing my plate, even when there was more food, and of higher calorific value. When my husband inadvertently wastes food, like leave a half finished plate of food on his desk in his home office, in stead of put it away, it feels like he's squandering something so precious I lose my cool. I've gotten better, but I used to get in a shouting match over it. I was raised by a narcissistic, manipulative, and verbally and physically abusive single mother. My father was a toxic narcissist who beat his wives and girlfriends when he lost his temper. One of the reasons I struggle with clutter, is because my mother would just throw my personal things out without consulting me. My sister would steal from me or borrow and break my things. What little I had to my name, tended to disappear. I had left one archive box's worth of notes from my high school, including all my AP math and science notes, and several art projects from my visual arts program, which I could have used towards a professional arts portfolio, and when she moved, she never asked me if I wanted to come get it. In stead of ask, she threw it all out without ever looking at what was in there. 4 years worth of professional art training and science notes I could have used in college as a STEM major in stead of buying new coursebooks, gone. She also sold things that had collectible value that she kept in my parents divorce, and my dad kept telling me it's mine, like an 1860's print copy of Shakespeare's collected works. Well, mom sold it. My mother never respected my things, or my space. The best thing for my mental health was to cut both of my parents out of my life, and out of my children's lives. That's also when I started to mentally feel less overwhelm, and although I still have clutter around me, I can take a step back, observe it, and start organizing it! The younger three children do not remember my mother at all, and never met my dad, who knew we're flying overseas, and chose to go sailing with his friends in stead. My oldest remembers the good stuff, not my mother fishing for intel from her about my marriage to my husband so mom could undermine it. Sorry, did not mean to dump on you. Feels good to let it off my chest.
"You don't have to start at the root cause, you can start wi th any symptom where you feel enough inner power to do sthg." That's so reassuring and such a helpful perspective. I sometimes get immobilized bc I keep thinking that this one thin is maybe not the most important thing to work on. And then I can't decide and don't do much with anything. Thank you 🙏
I am also in this picture! When I have enough presence of mind in this situation I set a timer for 15-25 minutes and tell myself I will work on SOMEthing, ANYthing for that time while I figure out what's the MOST useful thing to do. Doesn't always work but I'll take the times it does.
A friend once said something very supportive: "Baby steps rock!" Between upbringing, school, and work, I was convinced that if you didn't complete something entirely and perfectly, you were a failure, so starting almost anything was overwhelming. I've since discovered that even making a little bit of progress is, at least, progress. And often a little progress provides motivation. Getting started is half the battle, but after that.... "A body in motion stays in motion..."
I do have a clutter issue with unfinished DIY projects in the house and on car maintenance. Dedicating time on those tough tasks show very little visible reward at first but I've learned to be kind to myself on the progress that I do make on them.
I think she actually gets it! That made me feel better just hearing that. I also have he full cupboards full of food because it's always made me feel more secure knowing that I can go awhile without running out but I really can't eat this much and should stay out of the grocery stores until it goes down.
My mom was the ultimate consumer/hoarder. She constantly talked badly about people who had less things. I wasn't allowed to wear clothing too often incase someone noticed, as if we were always moviestars on the runway. I thought things were the way to happiness. That's what she said, only poor losers had a few things. And so I was constantly forced as a child to have more things than I could keep organized. Things that I didn't even want because she picked all my clothes and decor, I got no input. Then as an adult she was constantly in my ear about acquiring things. While also constantly berating and ridiculed for not being perfect neat like her. Except she always had maids I did not and she did nothing except clean, no hobbies or job. I am escaping to another country with my spouse and children to get some distance from my dysfunctional family system. I've gotten rid of 70% of my things already. I will get rid of another 20% when I sell the house and hit the road. I am finally free. I think I might be functional again soon. Everytime we speak she harps on me getting rid of my things. Like it's a travesty. My old used secondhand things that were mostly forced onto me by her. Things I never really liked or wanted but I couldn't find the strength to tell her no. (She always bought new things and forced her old things on me). It's scary how sick these people are. It's so sad how long I went along with it. Thank you for your truth telling.
Yea the “brand new hand me downs that you Must want!” …no thanks mom but I’ll drive it to the Salvation Army for you 😂….congrats on your freedom! Same here🎉
Omg it's scary how alike our stories are - from my mother constantly buying/ getting things 'for' me (but without my input) but not allowing me to get rid of it, to even escaping to another country to get away from the dysfunction (in the second country now, with my spouse)! She also wouldn't allow me to rewear things, yet all the new clothes she'd pick out for me were ones that I wouldn't wear (either they wouldn't fit/ were itchy/ not my style etc) - but she'd make me feel bad for wanting to rewear something comfortable than that (starting with the self martyrdom about how much she sacrifices for me to be ungrateful - even though, like your mother, she didn't work & had a maid lol!) That said, she would force me to regift any presents that I got from others (she made me keep it in my cupboard in my own bedroom, but I wasn't allowed to keep any of it for myself...) SO she's obviously MORE than capable of recycling/ reusing/ consciously consuming - just not when I'm the one begging her to do it...
I can't believe the disgustingness of these people. She seeks pleasure in watching you bamboozled and shut down and confused. Utterly disorganised by accepting and inviting all her junk all around you for the purpose of ultimately burying you and fracturing your mind and self worth
I'm a guy who has been stuck for years with, for many reasons, trapped with the thoughts, I gotta, why can't I, shame and so forth. I listen to all types of persons to help with motivation to get things done. I used to and always was ,on top of my responsibilities, and keeping things in "order." It was so important to me. Over time, I stopped caring, and chaos began. I avoided watching your message for about 4 days after it popped up. Knowing the struggle of being accountable, I was discouraged. I have to say I am so glad I listened to your post. You were spot on with your message. I wasn't irritated or felt the need to fast forward , and I listened I began to take action. I really like you. You are real and sincere. 😮 thank you so much for just being real. I so appreciate that. The most useful message I've seen in a very, very long time. Kudos to you!!! You've made a difference. I listened three or more times as I was truly motivated. Huge back story to me, but many many thanks yous.
Yes so can I one day at a time or even 5min yes we get stuck child hood truma gives us a hard life going forward we don't understand why us why do we feel so sad but only we can change it we can find peace I'm trying to anyway you are in my prayers
You're the first person to really give me the information that can set me free from all the clutter in my life. I'm 80 years old and have suffered all my life from guilt, anxiety, hiding my feelings from others, because of all the shame and loneliness all this causes in my head and my heart. ❤
I'm 74. Have NO ONE to dispose of my STUFF if I outlive my husband. My only child is dead and have no grandchildren. I find it so difficult to get rid of things that were gifts from my parents and grandparents....things that I love for the memories. I'm so stuck. 😢
Wow lack of power, we as children who were abused never had power . We couldn’t control any thing we were never taught how to control the healthy way of being able to make choices. Wow wow wow! Thank you !
@@infiniLorFor what it's worth, believe it or not this also describes certain species of birds! I know because I had one. Cage-bound it's known as. So it's more than just a saying. It's part of life.
I like how she relates all this back to herself and gives personal perspective. Makes this video less judgmental and there’s less “professional distance” and because of it it’s easier to listen to the advice and take it to heart without being defensive
@@purplerain0517not sure why the aggression? I learned about professional distance in graduate school becoming a clinical mental health counselor. I was just excited that someone else knew the term, and wondered where they learned it.
I am involved in keeping up on politics because we are in a very scary place right now as a country, but I never thought of this seeking out news as clutter. It is. The destruction of rights in the US will happen if it makes me mad or not. I cannot control the half of the nation that supports Marxist ideologies anymore than Russia could a hundred years ago. It is actually avoidance of my own life and steals my time, making everything in my life harder, causing a need to hoard when I am in need of zero new items in my life. What a cycle. My whole life is avoiding my whole life. Instead of driving off the bridge in such a manor, I need to donate the whole car. Metaphorically speaking. 1% is serving me. 99% is cubic square feet I need to get back. This includes internet time.
I've realized the state of my place is linked to the state of my mind: when it's all dusty, and grimy, and cluttered, it's a sign that I'm not "in a social mood" and would rather be closed off and isolated. But that's not good for me... I've been slowly decluttering my place and my life, and now I breathe so much easier and lighter, and can even stand stronger in the face of difficulties. Thank you for these insights.
Many of us were raised by Depression Era parents and grandparents who never threw out anything that was still useful, or even repairable. The fear of scarcity was so strong! I'm made a ritual of speaking the magic incantation "I can't throw this away, it's still good" as I throw it into the trash bin.
Oh I love that! My parents were depression era kids and nothing was wasted. It was to ingrained in my DNA that I didn’t even realize it. My parents weren’t misers just frugal and my brother and I were hardly deprived. They just never got rid of anything that might be put to use in the future. It did have a real impact on my ability to get rid of things. Did anyone else’s parents have that drawer full of twist ties from bread wrappers, heck even old bread wrappers, rubber bands, tons of unidentified keys, and the random broken pieces of plastic that you found on the floor, nobody knew what it went to but you put it in the drawer “just in case” you find where it goes? I didn’t know most people chewed a whole stick of gum at once LOL and I honestly didn’t mind or even notice my parents frugality, but I did hate polishing the furniture with my dad’s old worn out underwear!
My son I paid 300$ to clean up my basement. There were 30 large garbage bags of junk in my garage that he put there. Late at night when I thought everyone was asleep, I started rummaging through them! He totally caught me and said “ mom this is not going to work if you don’t trust me” he was right!! I felt so relieved seeing my clean organized basement.
I agree! Baby Boomer here! Growing up during the Cuban Missile Crisis at age 8 years gave me PTSD! My father was a former US Naval officer and scientist! Dad helped build the very first Atomic Reactors for Submarines/ Admiral Rickover's program! Dad wore a RADIATION BADGE to work every single day! The threat of Nuclear annihilation was very real for me! I was very active in the Nuclear Weapons Freeze Campaign in the 1980's! The whole USA and the world probably suffer from PTSD! IMHO!
2:42 Yes, Anna, you are Spot On! When I was 19 years old, my counselor told me, "Your room reflects the way you feel..." Well, I'm 63 and STILL a cluttered, scattered mess. Trauma, anyone? 😖 p.s. Thank you so much for this segment. I'm going to share it with some people close to me. Maybe they'll understand it's not that I don't care. I actually care a great deal. And actually, after 3 months of horrible dysregulation, I finally did a load of laundry yesterday! I'm friggin' hopeful!😅❤
Hi, I can so relate to your comment. I too feel stuck. Yet I find that when things are getting visibly better, I make it worse. This is a new revelation. I'😢m actually taking the exact opposite action, and rebuilding my clutter comfort blanket?!! 😢😂...Not sure how to get started again?
@@breegray4162 Hi Bree, I totally get what you're saying. 2 [personal] life examples came to mind. Mine were both fear-based. Future Events Appearing Real. The first was an audition back in the late 80's at Six Flags Great Adventure (NJ), for their Variety Shows. My vocal audition went very well. After the "dance" audition (I'm a singer), the person making the selections invited me back, but told me to "lose 13 pounds". As binge-eating was always a way for me to self-soothe, I immediately bought a package of candy orange slices and frantically wolfed them down. Ensuring self-sabotage and failure. At 2nd audition, I obviously had not lost the weight. 🙄 So, I didn't get the job (I had sung with a band there called, "A Touch of Brass") for a season, many years before. I did get a callback to be a "body puppet" for one of the children's shows, Lol... Silly me, I declined. Only because I knew how hot those costumes were...I've "cut myself off at the knees" so many times; and its the last thing I ever wanted to have happen to myself. With that (I don't know if my rant helped at all)...Regarding your "clutter comfort blanket" 😥my bed has been a cluttered mess since my relationship (mutually) ended 3 months ago. I sleep on a "sliver" of his side. Like a can't bear to allow myself to rest on the entire bed. That it would just "amplify" how EMPTY I feel inside. 😭 See?...insight...❣🙏💖 It hurts...but it's a step in a healthier direction, I hope!🥰 I'm sending you a HUGE hug through the Universe. I hope it reaches you and spreads out to all of us trying to work through this mess. Again, Anna...Beloved Crappy Childhood Fairy, Thank you for bringing us all together, and reminding us that we are not alone, and Yes, we can heal. It may not happen as quickly as we would like...but we are beautiful "works in progress" after all...🥲🥰🙏💔💖😊
10 mins in and I was already bawling. I felt like you were speaking straight to me. I’m showing this to my therapist!!! I feel like you gave me permission to throw things away. I know I should throw away the makeup I used twice in the past 6 years… but I only used it twice??? Makeup expires!!!! Seriously!!! Just throw it away!!! It’s not like I haven’t already bought newer palettes.. that’s why I’ve only used them twice! Make that make sense. Seeing it typed out- and hearing you say- directly from a makeup artist.. I am literally at my makeup box just dumping it all. I have my daily & fun makeup in a bag in my bathroom. I told my therapist about my shame around my clutter a few years ago. We talked about my drive to move forward and clear my space. I wasn’t ready to. She told me “you don’t have to now. Do it when you feel safe enough to.” Her advice paired with your wisdom.. I feel like a part of me healed. Thank you so much for making this video. I cannot stress how much I genuinely appreciate it. You give big momma energy with a very kind and light hearted approach to such a hard topic. My inner child & I thank you. ❤ Edit to add: I started something a few days ago. Everyday, my goal is to clean a surface for at least 2 minutes. That’s it. I set a timer, and clean for 2 minutes. It’s such a low expectation I’ve set for myself, I know I can achieve it everyday. The thing is- it takes at least 2 minutes to even pick up items to clean that surface- so I end up cleaning for at least 5-10 minutes… so I’m kind of “tricking myself”. I know 100% it will take more than two minutes to clean a surface- and- if I only put 5 things away (instead of cleaning the whole thing).. it’s fine because I did my 2 minutes. I’ve noticed a substantial difference in my drive to complete my task and to pick up this habit. I think the idea of tricking myself is great. It’s like “hmm I wonder how many minutes past I went this time?” & not like “what can I clean in 2 minutes?”
I immediately raised my head and became extremely alert when you said, "If the news you are reading is not useful, it is clutter." I am currently distracting myself with extremely emotionally charged topics on social media while I I can no longer see my tabletop because of all the stuff. This hit me just right. Thank you!! Best wishes from Switzerland ♥
@@TheMary0831 That is true in certain cases, however, social media can have a positive effect as well. Think support groups, hobby groups, and in fact this video that you commented on and I replied to! Just be selective and use the positive side of social media to your advantage!
@@ZsuzsaKarolySmith I don't consider YT to be "social media" in the same way I do say, Facebook or Twitter, which I consider toxic. I don't even really like help groups. I don't do well in groups, as there are always a-holes in them to ruin whatever good they intend. Just my experience. In any case, I personally do better without social media and don't think it has done anything to help society as a whole.
@@TheMary0831 I’m a member of several art groups on Facebook and have a loyal community of friends on Instagram as well. We share a passion for mixed media and art journalling which unites us. We support and encourage each other - I’ve never had a bad experience in many years. But I know what you mean, it can be pretty nasty elsewhere (especially when it comes to politics) - but I can honestly say I have made many friendships through social media, so I would not tar everything with the same brush. You just have to find your tribe.
Just a personal observation at age 70: I was a young adult before I realized that all of my middle and high school friends had at least one alcoholic parent, just like me. One of the most interesting aspects, looking back, was that we knew, almost telepathically, who to let into the house, and who not to. It was a secret society that we weren’t even aware of. Sometimes the abnormal seems so normal.😊
My parents weren’t alcoholics, but we had a special needs brother. The stress from that was pretty intense and a lot of the alcoholic behaviors were common in my mom. I, too, am 70 years old. I feel lighter after seeing this video than ever before. The shame is evaporating.
@@focusinknmI’m curious about the behaviours. My mom wasn’t an alcoholic either but I feel as if there are parallels with other traumas and my experience of her as a child and young adult🥲
I have a win, thanks for sharing how physical clutter is connected to childhood C-PTSD. I spent the past several weeks going through all of my stuff. I was able to discard things that I no longer need, use or even like. Threw out or recycled those items, and feel really good about my space. My apt building manager let me know on Tuesday that there was going to be an inspection today(Thursday) I was already organized so it was quick work to wipe kitchen stove, sink, and mop floors. I do have a few more clothes then I need, and some extra food(stored properly) for just in case.
Part of my clutter anxiety is from "if i get rid of it and need it, want it, or miss it it'll trigger a whole other wave of anxiety". No matter how hard i try.
Or the opposite happens like when a parent passes away and there is an immediate need to clear things out so that there's not a reminder of pain of the loss.
I was just like that, so I feel U. It got a lot better when I started to notice that whenever I threw a lot of stuff away (or donated or sold them), I didn't actually needed - most of- said stuff later. I don't feel I'm totally rid of this difficulty, because I have the other kind of clutters still going on.
I was that little bird stuck in a cage that I could never leave. The door was open but I could not fly out. It wasn't an abusive relationship or anything, it was the work world. Even tho I had spent a lifetime saving money & I had my social security, I could never retire bc I would starve, I would lose my house. I saw the work force getting younger and younger than me. I got to the point where I felt so out of place. I was like the old lady of the office. I had NOTHING in common with my coworkers. The work world began to be so alien to me. Well the stock market losing 10% of my savings every time I turned around got me to a financial advisor and he showed me, yes you can fly out of that cage and have a retirement. He set me up with a secure annuity without the stock market. Now, I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The GREAT REPUBLICAN RECESSION DID ME IN, I HAD SAVED FOR 40 YEARS BUT I WAS SELF-EMPLOYED SO NO GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE. I DIDN’T HAVE WORK I HAD MY SAVINGS. I LIVED ON MY RETIREMENT SAVINGS FOR 4 YEARS DEPLETED MY SAVINGS. NOW AS A RETIRED PERSON I AM POOR,
@@RenegadeDesignerit wasn't republicans.. go back to barney frank who was a Democrat, he should be in jail for what he did to fanny mae and freddy mac.. even W (republican president, warned us on the front page of the NY times..!) said something should be done abt fanny mae and freddy mac.. but the Dem congress wouldnt.. it was the clintons who de-funded our intel and caused 911.. and also clinton had an almost Trillion (yes with a capital "T"..!) Trillion $$ dollar surplus (SURPLUS!) when he took office.. and what did he do with it.. ffs educate yourself on what happened before parroting the soros-sponsored cnn propaganda..
@@RenegadeDesigneralso even if self-employed.. after 4O years you should easily hav a decent social security amount unless you broke the law and never paid taxes and employment deductions..
I know I had a crappy childhood. From a very young age I was very organised and kept my room in tip top condition. It was a way to have one place in the household that I was in control of. I lived like I wasn't there, as if there was a big glass dome that covered me. I saw what was going on, but wasn't part of it. Nobody saw me. Acknowledged me. I just owned one dress, and never asked for anything. I still feel that I don't need anything. My feelings were swept under the carpet. My live has changed, I went to a retreat, for dealing with trauma. I learned to love myself, and that I 'm worth it.
You are SO ARTICULATE and gentle in educating poor souls like us who don’t know where to turn or how to get started healing our damaged parts. BLESS YOU! ❤❤❤
Yes, you learn everything through mirroring someone else. Our brains are computers, I believe, with both long term and short term memory. When it comes to habits, we often mirror something already seen.
THERES NOTHING LIKE GIVING AND GETTING " REAL WORLD" ADVISE FROM SOMEONE THAT HAS ACTUALLY GONE THROUGH IT ..AND NOT JUST REPEATING WHAT THEY'VE READ OR BEEN TAUGHT IN COLLEGE. I LOVE YOUR INSIGHT!.. POWERFUL WISDOM. 👌
Me too! From abusive marriage isolation, loss of career and illnesses. I feel like I lost all my life potential when I got married. Now I’m 65 without career close friends or family. And still divorce ongoing for 5 years already. He’s 13 years younger than me and attempting to maximize his profits off me. It’s very traumatizing.
@lovemagicandroad Oh Lord. Sorry. Well I'm almost 70 and I'm in the same boat and struggling to maintain hope (while I still keep making mistakes!) Dunno about me but there is still hope for you, keep your chin up. You can still accomplish things. Take care.
I totally relate to the cupboards being FULL! My family has more than enough food. I was raised by parents and grandparents who lived through the Depression. We saved everything! My husband has helped me by sorting through the shelves with me. He is aware of my childhood sexual abuse and has been a great help to me in dealing with the ramifications of this abuse. Thank you so much for this informational video. ❤
I have clutter. I’m a counselor and thought that daily priorities, work, caring for animals, (etc) was my excuse. I also thought that clutter was a sign of being creative. Thank you for this. I needed a boost.
I woke up with this heavy feeling of worthlessness once again and then I heard your message and realized that I am not alone. Thank you very much for sharing your story.
As I sit here overwhelmed with a cluttered house beating myself up for not “utilizing my Saturday” this popped up. I feel better yet a bit more determined due to my new knowledge of possible reasons behind this seemingly vicious cycle. Especially the explanation on shame from uncontrollable areas from childhood triggering you now, collecting too many toiletries, clothes, food items because of neglect early, and saving old items/clothes from “specific times”. Thank you.
Slowly but surely does it... do something every day and it all add`s up... I am de-cluttering and cleaning my home over the space of a year. Two months in and I can already feel the difference. Ive had more visitors in the last month than I have had in the whole thirteen years I have lived here! It feels great to not feel embarrassed any more.
I do the EXACT SAME thing with beating myself up for not utilizing my weekends to declutter...I work full time so I've just recently realized 2 things: (1) decluttering is "work"/labor intensive, so it feels like I'm "working" when I try to do it on the weekends, and (2) I need not feel bad about using paid time off DURING the work week to declutter so that I'm mentally (and subsequently physically) able/energized to do it. Now I just need to select a few days and do it! Thank you for sharing your story!
I am so relating with this. 😊. It’s my thing to want to go through my boxes. To me. I’m neat. But it’s going thru all this stuff after a move that’s going on with me. ❤. Much emotional clutter. But 😊 I also introduced myself via an email to you 😊 I am loving this btw 😮. Many blessings Christina
When I decided I needed to control my clutter problem, I had to face the fact that I do have adhd and I had to deal with a bunch of emotional and mental work so I could face the clutter. It's so wild to me that the clutter and my mental health walk hand in hand. When I notice things are getting out of control in my home, I sit back and ask myself what's bothering me mentally.
My bigger dilemma is how much of my “stuff” belonged to someone who passed away…my grandmothers paintings, my dads musical instruments, my grandfathers war documents (MOH recepient, invites to WH, pics with Truman etc). I can’t just “throw that away”…for many reasons. 😢
I can understand your deep attachment to your relatives belongings. They hold a lot of emotional history. Would you consider donating your grandfathers things to a museum? Is it possible that your grandmother's paintings and father's musical instruments be appreciated by others if you sold them online? Finding a loving home for these mementos while you are still alive will ensure that they are not thrown out in the garbage after you pass. You would be ensuring their continued meaningfulness to someone who can appreciate them.
This is another aspect to this situation: acting as "family historian / museum curator" by holding on to everything. What you can do is "compress things." You can take several digital photos of every important object you sell, donate, or throw away, so that the memory survives.
I've recently made major life changes. I quit my job, I moved, I got rid of TONS of "stuff". I definitely feel that these changes came about because I've been working on myself. Healing trauma. Trying to be the best version of myself. Finding happiness. It's hard letting go sometimes but after it feels so good. I learned that I don't need "things" to be happy or to have memories. Good luck to all those on the same journey. Peace and love.
Hi, I have been purging things and giving them to the VVA. Where I live they come and pick-up donations at my house. However, my husband holds onto everything; books, magazines, mail, clothes, etc. It’s making me crazy and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve offered to help him, but it doesn’t bother him. It’s so bad I have to close the door to his office and cannot go into our basement other than to wash clothes. Any suggestions?
*Take my free Daily Practice course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
*Join my Membership and access my private online community: bit.ly/CCF-Membership
*Visit my website at crappychildhoodfairy.com
*Order my new book RE-REGULATED here: bit.ly/3XiLsj2
*Have a question for me to answer on TH-cam? Write me here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
I've asked 3 therapists over 10+ years about my difficulty with clutter and stuff accumulating in my home and none of them could help or give me any insight. Years have gone by and all I've felt is more shame and confusion about it. The way you have cut through the noise and clarified how it's connected with CPTSD in a little over 30 minutes is illuminating and life saving. Thank you. The part about emotional and mental clutter is spot on and I hadn't identified them as such until you named and explained them. You have alchemized your pain and turned it into wisdom. You have finally made this make sense. This is what I needed to know. I've been searching for this information for a long time. Your videos are helping me in ways I didn't know I needed.
Thank you so much for the encouraging words!
-Cara@TeamFairy
What they said. I've tried my best to deal with clutter but it always comes back! 🙄
Same here I'm still wowing
I've been in & out of therapy for about 15yrs now, and I also have NEVER had a single therapist connect mess with mental health, let alone history of trauma. None of their desks were much neater than mine, though. 👀😆I expressed a lot of angst regarding my inability to keep a tidy house, and each one seemed to dismiss or brush it off. I would be told I'm worrying about the wrong things, or not to take it so seriously. The male therapists would look at me with pity, as if they were thinking, "poor woman, stressing herself out over matters so frivolous."
This video's summary of how mess is interconnected with a dysfunctional history was *very* relevant to my life & how I "keep house!!" Too relevant. 😅
Last week I watched a TH-cam video about decluttering home and mind, it was on Mel Robbins channel (I don't remember the name of who she interviewed, the woman was a blogger who stumbled into the field via addressing her own issues). I found the interview VERY informational, and I can honestly say just one week after watching that video (it was like an hour and a half long) I have less stress and feel less overwhelmed about my house. I actually have a bit of hope that every surface isn't going to be cluttered forever, that I will be able to maintain a house that I'm not embarrassed of when I have visitors.
The main idea that stuck out to me was the perception of "getting the house in shape," as being a project vs ongoing process/daily habit. I attack a cleaning like a project, because my daily "normal" isn't able to maintain the house at my preferred level of cleanliness. Instead of addressing the house the way you would any other project, apparently it is less stressful to approach it with methods that can become an ongoing (daily) process, so that the daily reality is closer to our preference.
Another concept I really liked was the "container concept," which helps prioritize what to keep around difficult emotions that (usually) get in the way of minimizing/letting things go. A place to live has only so much space; our dressers are not infinite, the containers have a max amount. We come to terms with the reality of the amount of stuff our containers can reasonably handle. The issue isn't filth/mold with clutter, moreso too much stuff than the container can fit comfortably! Purging the excess stuff is no longer you choosing to toss things due to their value/lack of; it becomes a process of honoring the space you have and it's true capacity, as well as being authentic/ in tune with yourself and the life you want to have. Basically you fill your containers with your favorite things until they are full. If you find that you wish to add something, you choose which thing is less favored comparatively for you personally. (Almost like a boundary issue, now that I think of it; extra clutter might be an inability to recognize the boundaries of a container/space; what will fit properly and look nice and not frustrate us.)
I definitely recommend listening to that interview if you get the chance! I started listening to it "in the background," while I was cooking, but I ended up stopping about halfway through and restarting from the beginning, when I was able to sit down and take notes!! I didn't think they'd say anything that was actually new or shocking about keeping a clean home, TBH. They actually covered four or five ideas and systems that were quite different from how I have ever considered cleaning or organizing.
@@PaigeSquared was the person being interviewed KC Davis? Her book “How To Keep House While Drowning” helped me so much. I resonate with everything you said. A male therapist told me that I’m just messy and that’s ok and that a man will like me as I am. 🙄But no, I’m not messy, I like clear spaces, I just have trauma and chronic disregulation. What an incompetent asshole he was
“Your trauma is an injury not your identity.” Thank you for this!!!
Amen!
Yes I was going to say the same. Priceless truth.
god it's so difficult to realize this... thank you all for reminding me
Identification is often mental clutter
Easier said than done. 😪
My mom says, “The item has served its purpose. Now let it go.” That phrase has been so helpful for me.
That is what some people say about their spouse
@@hankhill3417 - indeed they do
It's hard to let go of gifts. I struggle with this. It makes me feel I'm ungrateful.
I love that!!!
@@hankhill3417 🤣
I live in the eastern part of India and there is a custom of cleaning and decluttering our homes which takes place before the new year of our Bengali calender comes. The cleaning is about a month-long process done daily in bits (say, discarding old, torn unusable clothes, empty boxes, cleaning walls and floors, washing bedcovers and cushions, cleaning the garden etc.)which ends in the last day of the old year. On new year, we have a custom of wearing new clothes after taking bath, eating and distributing sweets, wishing friends and relatives for a happy year ahead. I think having a deadline and making it an annual custom of giving a clean and fresh start help a great deal.
That sounds lovely!
Makes soooo much sense that this would be helpful culturally (non-shaming as everyone is doing it) plus people can anticipate the time and practice and know that "this is what we're doing now!" Thanks so much for sharing! Peace to you
@sauravbasu8805
Excellent idea. I also think it makes a person feel more accountable when everyone else is doing this along with you. Short-term goals though with a beginning & an end makes it more manageable in my opinion. Thanks for the idea.
That's me totally 😢😢
I wash my bed covers a lot more often than that.
Oddly enough I am happy to clean other people's clutter and organize other people's stuff... but I absolutely get that overwhelmed thing about my own! Thanks for this 🙏👍
same here....
Same-since there’s no emotional attachment the decisions are almost effortless for me if I’m helping someone else.
Truth be told it's cuz we are attached to our stuff
Same❤😅😅
Yes, because there’s no shame attached to someone else’s stuff, whereas our own is marinaded in shame.
Trauma causes anxiety. Anxiety causes clutter. Clutter causes anxiety.
Boom
I agree 💯
Clutter helps me hide.
For some. For me clutter keeps people away. I feel less anxious. Plus I think it was one of the few areas of passive resistance as a child to my mother’s intrusive and controlling behavior.
You want a clean house? Yeah? Watch this…..
As I read "clutter keeps people away" I thought: Ah! Why should people be kept away, did people cause harm in the past? Then I read further and it makes total sense. It's almost like a subconscious defense mechanism or behaviour meant to protect the self from harm (in this case: people/mother).
Thank you for sharing because now I understand myself even better.
While going to a therapist when I was in that 23 year abusive marriage (1980 to 2003), I told my therapist I just didn't have the energy to keep the kitchen clean & keep up with the housework. He said something insightful for me. He said it made sense bcuz I was using soooooo much energy just to survive life being married to the abusive husband. Now, in retrospect, 20 years agter the divorce, I see I really am a person capable to keep up with the housework. It really saps energy keeping clutter around, but it is so difficult to declutter while trying to survive.
Great points, thank you for sharing.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I will survive this. Thank you 🙏 it's been very difficult just to give myself some grace.
"... it is so difficult to declutter while trying to survive" - you said it!
Yes, I understand what it's like to be married to someone like that, it's very traumatizing. It's taken me years to heal from this. I'm still healing and praying and healing.... it's a process ✝️🙏✝️.
Thank you for sharing this. I am with a narcissistic spouse and it makes a lot of sense. I never had this problem prior to being with him
When I try to clean up my clutter I get so tired that I need to lie down. I feel incapacitated and overwhelmed.
Start by doing 15 minutes a day . Use microwave timer on and stop after 15 minutes. Doing 15 minutes a day will be 1.5 hrs a week. Increase as you become competent and feel no so tired anymore
@@LuluLulu-jw9fi I'm the same way. I like your suggestion. Thanks.
Me too sometimes I don’t even get past looking at the clutter I get mentally overwhelmed and figure I’ll do it later.
@@LuluLulu-jw9filove that I will try that out.
Me to and the distress this causes me comes at me ten fold.
I tried yesterday decluttering with the help of my mom. I managed 2 boxes. Today I’ve not been able to get out of bed and feel incredibly unwell. I’ve been emotional. When I should be feeling like I’ve achieved small steps I feel worse
My husband recently had to be hospitalized for four months due to a back injury. The 911 emergency workers and police reported us to social services for having a toxic mess and for the clutter being unsafe for him. I was forced to have my house cleaned or they wouldn't let him come home and he would probably be placed in a home. We worked with the
social worker and she put me in touch with a restoration company. We split the cost and I just had my home professionally deep-cleaned and de-cluttered. 13 years worth of clutter, cigarette butts and grimy dirt! It cost thousands of dollars and was well worth it! I feel so happy and energized and have now organized my papers and finances. My self-esteem is soaring and now I don't feel fear and shame at the thought of having people drop in. I hope others can somehow get help in clearing and cleaning their homes. My city has a "hoarding team" which works in conjunction with our health department. I just couldn't do it on my own. I spent 3 1/2 months planning it my head and was paralyzed as far actually making a move on my own. So when it was coming to "crunch time" about a week befoe he was released, we finally hired the restoration team. They cleaned the house from top to bottom in 3-4 days. The health department chipped in thankfully. I would encourage people to check and see if their municipality or health department could assist in both counseling you and in doing the actual clean-up. It may cure your needless suffering. Most of all, I wish you lots of ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤🕊🕊🕊🕊
What a great story of inspiration Christine! Thank you for sharing about your city having a "hoarding team" - what a great, great idea! I had no idea such a thing might exist! It's always so inspiring when people are courageous enough to share their truth - so thank you!! Enjoy this new space & place within yourself. ♥
Brave and selfless of you to share your experience. Thank you! Glad it's a happy ending.
That is wonderful ! We knew some people that used to be our neighbors that had a house that was dirty and over taken by animal smell. The husband had a stroke and lived a few more years in this mess before he died. Too bad they didn’t have to clean it up before he came home from the hospital. I feel his last years would have been more peaceful in a clean, decent environment.
Thank you for sharing your amazing experience. I'm glad your husband was able to come back to your home and share in your reenergized space. So brave of you to go through this and tell us about the experience. The fact that your city government was able to facilitate and help pay for this service is so great! I for one never realized that this was an option out there. Love and light to you and I'm sure your newfound energy will lead you down new and exciting paths!❤️
Wow. What a wonderful support response. I'm so glad you were able to get that kind of help from your community. My best hopes for you and your husband.
While clutter can induce certain types of stress, its a sign of "I don't have the cognitive load to make the decisions to address this problem."
🎯
This is all too common in older folks as they age
That’s so true
Spot on!
Its similar to how people with a ton of unresolved & unhealed trama/baggage are over x10 more likely to be addicted to something, their brains are seeking coping mechanisms for all the stockpiled hidden pain and they don't even know it.
I actually organized a pile of important papers today, and I felt so good afterward, I actually mowed my lawn and have been singing ever since. Lately, I tend to put away one or two things every time I walk into a room or a different space, and my Mantra has been: "Hey, it's better than it was" LOL. One day at a time, my friends. We're going to make it through this.
Me also!👍
Same! I also may do something like "today I will clean up 26 things" (since I'm 26 years old). My husband does the same thing because I do it (he cleans 32 things)
I love this! "Hey. It's better than it was!" Very good thing to say to yourself after improving in any way. It's like giving yourself a gold star for your little victory!
I got 2 things done today that were hanging over my head for a while now... but at the cost of failing at getting done another thing I really wanted to get done today too. I'm trying to focus on giving myself credit for the 2 things and not to sulk about the failure of the 1 task not completed.
Your method is the same method i have for cleaning house. I pick up clothes to put in the laundry and i remember i have to put the wash in the dryer, which i also have to empty before i can empty the washing machine. Then i remember I needed some of that stuff to clean your machine off of Amazon so I go to my phone to order it before i forget. Then when I'm on Amazon i remember that i meant to order vitamins so i order those too. And the beat goes on.....
Recently, I was trying to remove "One thing, from each room, every day." It was going pretty well up to the point when i had to go out of state for a bit, then got sick, then had a family emergency, then injured my back. Hoping to get back on track soon. Like you said, one day at a time. And appreciate the win, no matter how small.
I just broke down after the first 5 minutes because NEVER in my entire life has anyone taken my clutter problem serious. People either make it a morality thing where you are lacking as a human OR people try to show you how it's actually not that hard you just have to *insert endless stream of tidying up tips and tricks and systems*. I've tried telling people how my relationship with clutter is something very deep and disregulated and how I totally fall apart to the core of my being every time I try to adress it but no one really listens so THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. I feel seen.
It's a vicious cycle.
Not only do I have some hoarding issues, but my brother was a hoarder and my mother was a depression-era mom. My hoarding brother passed away over a year ago and my mother moved in with my other brother due to her dementia. Here I am trying to get my mother's house straightened out while dealing with other family drama. I am ADHD and the sole caregiver of my autistic niece. So I am extremely overwhelmed.
This makes me feel like I can't do anything. It's very hard to even start.
But I did one thing. I got rid of a mattress that was just sitting around and that opened up a lot of space. Seeing that freespace motivated me to get started and I have gotten a lot done since then.
I love your Analysis of the Space. I go at least 5 years at a time collecting clutter until I've had enough and start cleaning until I run out of steam (usually when all space is used and I don't want to get rid of anything). I usually get started by opening up one space area. Then I use that space for sorting and getting rid of things while deciding where to put keep things.
My first step is to get boxes and sort between trash and non-trash (Non-Trash Gets sorted according to the room I'm going to just those those things in while I focus on decluttering and cleaning just one room). Sadly, I've never gotten fully past the first step in my 22 years of adulthood. But at least I can manage not to let my home become a hoarder's paradise.
I feel for you, but I'm also really proud of you for getting started.
You can do this! You are obviously the strongest person ever because you were gifted for caring for others that cannot take care of themselves. It's helped me to do just 1 thing, without allowing any other thoughts to creep in. Do 1 thing at a time. If you make a decision on 1 thing, move to the next. And allow yourself to feel the accomplishment of doing that 1 thing. Good luck!
P)
I celebrate the tiniest of successes these days. like putting away one or two items when I go into another room. My Mantra has been Hey it's better than it was.
But you're right, even doing one thing provides instant gratification ( and probably a dopamine rush LOL) and really helps with the shame.
I got rid of an exercise machine & 3 old lawn mowers that were part of the giant mountain of things in my garage and it really really helped.
You quite a lot on your hands to go through at one time, and I am relating with you quite a bit with my situation. We got this! I truly feel lighter and have hope for the future. I know we're going to make it :)
I'm so practiced at being resilient but today I had some healthy anger and my Rebellion picked up today and I literally refuse to let these difficult times get the best of me.
Light and love and healing strength to you, my friend.
As a child, my parent would demand that I clean and then scream at me the entire time. It was never good enough. I was constantly teased for being the messy one. It felt like I could never get away from any of it. It ate away at my self worth.
I broke free from it all when I gave away 99% of what I owed in 2021. For the first time in my life I felt free. I was free of expectation. Free of things I don’t want or need. Life is simpler with less!
I can still be a bit messy (especially when I cook) but as I heal, I desire a calmer, less cluttered environment.
Yes, freedom is the answer. That was a hard situation to get out of, happy for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
oh my god i had the exact same experience. my mother was so disgustingly abusive and shamey when it came to cleaning. OF COURSE i'd grow to fcking hate it and avoid it.
in my case i still accumulate things and am messy, but i'm slowly getting better as i heal as well. congratulations on your healing so far and blessings for your future healing.
I have the same problem! My dad would yell at me that I'm messy and to clean but didn't tell me how or what to do. My mother would scream at me to clean and then tell me I did it wrong and she would do it herself after I had tried.
I learned that it's not something I can do and just didn't try anymore because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough and I would just avoid it.
I'm trying to associate good things with cleaning now. I put on music and make a to do list and watch cleaning videos to learn.
I'm not over it but I'm working on it.
I do (but from here on it will be DID) this. I don't scream at them the entire time but I get so angry that they don't do it right. It's always been in my head, that they have enough time to do it right. Thank you for sharing this. I have never seen it from this perspective. (OCD on cleanliness but not clutter apparently)
I can sooo relate, y'all! Not only did my mom yell at me with an abusive mantra that she repeated until I cried so hard I was hyperventilating, then she would have me go help her organize (hold boxes, put them down, hand them back to her) When I was curious about what was in a box and wanted to know more, I got in trouble for asking, shamed, and learned to be quiet and play assistant to my mom, praying she wouldn't re-start the abuse.
When I got introduced to IFS (Internal Family Systems) and could name "a part of me holds on to things longer than they are useful" or "a part of me feels overwhelmed and doesn't believe I can ever get organized," REALLY helped me stop shaming myself and start believing in me. I LOVE organizing WITH someone helping me (ADHD, too) White board helps me loads, too! Love and Peace, Hope & Deep Breathing to you all! xo
The Clutter is a comfort blanket I have against facing the emptiness and my sadness and anxiety worthlessness
yep. and i've noticed surrounding myself with stuff i like (books, games, clothes, journals) and letting them be everywhere/wherever instead of organizing them, makes me feel constantly "comforted". i also love that i am rebelling against my abusive mom's obsession with "cleanliness" over even her children's mental health.
@@こなた-m1o hey are you okay?
Also it says, I HAVE ALL THIS, I OWN all this, especially if you grew up really poor
You might find running on empty books 1 and 2 helpful
@@KoolT That was my Dad in a nutshell. When videocassettes came out, he just couldn't believe all of the movies that he could own!
Clutter is definitely a symptom of being unwell.
There's also this feeling that your stuff is your family, and you refuse to get rid of it and make it "feel" abandoned because you know yourself what it feels like to be abandoned.
Yes!
And having stuff that won't abandon YOU is a powerful, but ultimately ineffective, comfort.
This comment just put into words a feeling I haven’t been able to explain before!
Clutter, mega clutter, is all I have left of my life. I hate it but I can't let go. I am old and the stuff is all I have to show for my life.
@@weissblauyou are not alone. Get help and work things out together. Baby steps. The legacy you want to leave behind is good memories, not mega clutter. Go through those memories one by one while discarding
" Your trama is an INJURY, NOT an IDENTITY, IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE." I love ❤ this statement, more people need to hear this truth ❣️
Agreed :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Do away with the people in your life who take your trauma as your identity.
I think many younger people today are embracing the exact opposite idea. Trauma has become trendy like a fashion style that many people on social media try to one-up each other with.
I love that!! Thank you
That is a common mistake among people. If a person HAS flu, flu is seen as a disease caused by microorganisms. But for some strange reason, people say "you ARE" + name of a mental issue. To BE and to HAVE are different things. We need NOT to normalize lack of health.
I suspect that narcissistic people with power want not to be criticized and that is why they promote such ill normalization principles. They fear criticism so much and they believe that they are the standard, not the outlier. And that is part of their disorder.
Clutter CAUSES anxiety and depression for me. I've become a minimalist on so many levels and it's so friggin' RELAXING.
same here .
Just explained to my adult son as we watched this video that anxiety/clutter/anxiety/(etc.) is not only a vicious cycle that "snowballs" as things get worse, but often are a chicken/egg phenomenon.
It is not important which came first, and often there is no way to tell.
Other things, such as being busy and short on time, and pulled from all sides, I've found, can trigger both at the same time!
Often there are external factors -- sometimes related to past trauma -- that can trigger one, the other, or both.
It is good to be aware of this, and prepared to break the cycle early, as soon as you are away. This video, perhaps most importantly, helps one prepare to identify the presence of clutter/anxiety, and get in front of it.
Start small, especially if feeling overwhelmed. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was the site for building Roma cleared/decluttered in a day!
I explained to my son that if you know both are occurring and you find yourself in pajamas on Saturday at 11 AM, sometimes the best thing you can do to work on the clutter (and to dispel the feeling of being overwhelmed) is to take a shower and get dressed, first!
Clutter/anxiety is tied closely into associated (even if minimal semblance of) depression and self-defeating thoughts. Best to start at the bottom with the simple yet important things, and work up ... Little by little.
Minimalism movement is great, but some influencers make it sound easy and once-and-done. It is most certainly not! Decluttering, like Minimalism, is a process of not only changing the status quo, but also changing our outlooks and behaviors. This can only occur a little at a time. Again, Rome...
Well said. @@dubya5626
I never found it relaxing struggling to keep up .
When I was young, I was rushing around like a nut case trying to keep everything in placemaking. Sure, laundry toys, etc. We're all put in place and nicely done. And I had several older ladies. Tell me your children will only be children for a little while. And you're not even letting them play healthfully. Because you are insistent upon having everything, put away nicely, they said, relax and enjoy your life Perfection is not to be all and end all.
In fact my mind felt so much more healthy after that.
There did come time as my children got olderthat I insisted they help me keep things organized.
And to be honest, I have a couple of my children who are not healthy mentally but they keep their place in order and it is a big thing for them. I think somehow some people feel like if you look organized and you look healthy somehow. It will happen and you will feel better about yourself. I don't know. I definitely need to unclutter but I do not want to become obsessed with it again like I used to be
Kinda went from one extreme to the other, myself.
Less than 3 minutes into this and I was in tears. For the 1st time in my 60+ years everything makes sense to me.
Wow. Better late than never. Time to begin to live. You can do this!
There is a Clutters Anonymous
Me too ❤❤❤
Yes
This would be me.
This 38 minute video right here is why I think this woman, the Crappy Childhood Fairy, is truly magical. How did she come to make this connection that trauma and clutter are related? It is so profound and so helpful.
My issue with clutter is directly caused by my parents randomly intruding into whatever activity I was engaged to harass and berate me over a situation that had usually been sitting there for some time. They'd force me to clean my room while shrieking the most horrible insults that kids shouldn't deal with at all, my dad loved to stand there while I was washing dishes and tell me what an awful person I was. I tied the knot with my husband on the condition that he would never ask me to do the dishes, ever. I've always hated cleaning and just assumed everyone else did, too. I started watching Clutterbugs, which gave me great insight into my organizational style, which helped a lot, then I started watching Aurikaterina. She LOVES to clean! I was profoundly moved watching this woman bring joy to cleaning, it really changed my perspective on the issue. I bought microfiber cloths, a squeegee and degreaser for the first time and actually started using them. Then I started watching videos on minimalism and the clutter really started to disappear. My family used to tell me that I hated cleaning, then I found out I really loved cleaning, just not when someone was screaming in my face while I was doing it!
oh my god. this comment is so inspiring from me, who went through the exact same thing in childhood. thank you, thank you, for sharing your story.💗
What a horrible way to grow up and what an amazing experience of discovering this part of yourself!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So sorry you had your Family treat you unkind … God bless and hope you have peace ☮️
Congratulations on getting your mental and emotional power back!!!!
@Aurikatariina mentioned 🇫🇮
favorit phrase, your trauma is an injury not an identity. You happened accidentally on my feed and I needed to hear you! Thank you for this video
Ditto 💞
Same. This popped up under a completely unrelated video but I never thought clutter was a result of past trauma.
Same here.... It was by accident and i so needed to hear this.. 💕🙏🏾
I heard that too
Me too! So glad you came up in my feed. I'm just starting therapy for depression and want him to watch this video because I don't know if he understands these connections. I got a TBI (traumatic brain injury) at work in April 2019 and I've never been so overwhelmed with clutter, and feelings of absolute humiliation. I'd just unloaded 2 storage units to my small home after selling my 2nd home. My current home is 675 sq ft the other was 2025 sq ft and there was a lot of things to purge, donate, etc.
My intention was to go through it all as quickly as possible and then I got the TBI and multiple bodily injuries. Within 5 days I couldn't walk or talk normal and had multi tonal tinnitus 24/7 and couldn't sleep for almost 2 years. I would go in spurts of purging then go into the inability to make decisions mindset and I was fatigued by the mental, emotional thoughts of the daunting tasks and then beating myself up over being 'lazy'. I'm still not back to work as dizzy spells from the injury keep resurfacing and it's likely I may not be able to. I'm a flight attendant and I loved my job, so I'm also dealing with confusion, fear, and uncertainty of my future. I'm feeling like a shell of my 'self' as I've had no social life, no physical support system other than by phone with a few friends. I know just having my clutter gone I will free up stuck energy and feel better about myself and see more open choices for my life. But I'm 67 and I feel I'm just watching the countdown of my life as I lose myself in the process.
Growing up poor... that really hit home. Trauma, fear of losing someone or something precious, fear of losing memories, hoarding and clutter are a big part of my life. Your success gives me hope.
Yes. When we are so used to not having things when we need them we will collect them when we can - because that's security for us.
@@batintheattic7293 security that came in handy when lockdowns due to the pandemic occurred, but not necessary at all times. I am striving to make it into a reasonable amount instead of going overboard like a zombie apocalypse is about to happen! I think my anxiety over the uncontrollable has a huge part in my hoarding, growing up poor was just a part. Praying for healing.
@@jt4621 Keep it moving, Baby - You got this! Jesus is a Big Help! Couldn't do it without Him. ❤
I am with you
Yes. A lot of decluttering advice is "Just toss it - you can buy another if you need it." But many people can't buy another when the time comes. Anyone who has ever been poor probably hangs onto more things "just in case."
I have tons of stuff - all stored away neatly - every wardrobe, cupboard etc is crammed full, my place does not look messy but I can’t throw stuff away- I just realized listening to this video how growing up poor has affected me - I think everything is precious and has to be kept !
Me too. If I get rid of it I may need it and won't have the resources to get it again.
That's funny, while I was reading your comment, I initially thought that was the comment that I just finished writing. I have the same problem as you, I'm a twin, I can't seem to throw things away. They are tucked away in my storage that I pay monthly ($70) I visit this storage very often because I'm ALWAYS storing something. Ironically, I keep buying stuff as well. God help me.
@ Recently I moved house and had to take a storage unit to make the move easier - now I’m worried I will just fill it with more stuff - even though I did throw away a lot of things, I was shocked by the amount of things I had accumulated 😞
So much is made of chaotic hoarding, which is often also squalor hoarding where there's pest control issues and rotten food/actual trash in the board. Barely any mention of organised hoarding though, which it sounds like all of you on this post may have. The need to constantly acquire, whether through shopping or thrifting free stuff, is part of hoarding. I'm working on my own organised hoarding too. Been working on it a year, got rid of 2k items approx gone from my tiny home and made attempts to curb my spending a bit. Finally things are starting to look better now. It's taken all this time to start to see a visible difference.
While listening to you I was making a donation pile and bagging it. For the last couple months I've taken at least two bags a week and drop them off on my way to work. The wonderful feeling I get from this is fantastic! I've ended toxic relationships by saying no to people who aren't good for my mental health. I'm about to pay off a credit card, I bought myself some new furniture and am changing my diet. I'm tired of being " stuck".
It sounds like you're making great progress! Thanks for sharing. -Calista@TeamFairy
Omg...you are sooooo right
The older I get and less physicality I have, the more crap stacks up...cant declutter when u cant pickup the bags and boxes, so we stack...nobody likes around me and now its too cluttered to hire someone😢😂
Good for you, it's very uplifting, you are taking back your power.
PJj, just try one little space at a time. With me it's like the more I declutter the more energy I have. Starting is the hardest part.
I've found that working on my clutter in 5 minute increments is manageable. Thinking I have to spend 2 hours or all day on it makes it even more overwhelming that it already is. Five minutes feels manageable. This also helps with my mental clutter.
I agree. Used to motivate my kids with the finale of the William Tell Overture (Lone Ranger music) to see how much we could put away before that rousing music ended. Nowadays I play the "game of 10" with myself. When the clutter is overwhelming, I say to myself, "Well, I'll just put away 10 things." That goes fast and I'm usually motivated to play the same game again and again.
Thank you! I'll try that, one small spot, 5-10 minutes a day. It should eventually help make a difference.
All the paper clutter is so embarrassing but every time I try to fix it, my heart starts pounding and I'm extremely overwhelmed.
I really like this idea. I'm an all or nothing type, which basically have me doing nothing.😂 Thank you for this great suggestion. 😊
Thanks for the tip. Actually, after watching this video I started removing stuff already. Will work on toiletries later in the day. This is so freeing.
@@machitect Good change! 🎉
Gosh! Clutter is a SYMPTOM. A side effect. Not a character flaw or mental disability. So much truth and enlightenment in the first 7 minutes of this video. Thank you! 👏💡
I feel so much shame about my inability to keep my home clean 😭
@@Abril-1234 you’re still a good person and that’s what matters.
@@Abril-1234
True! It's worse when we get older. Just FOLLOW simple rules -
Throw garbage in garbage can. All garbage and food.
Keep the kitchen sink empty.
Hang up clothes. Put clothes in drawers.
ALWAYS clean the toilet bowl.
Vacuum - picks up hair, dust, crumbs, ashes.
Maybe you're eligible for a home health aid. In NJ they do laundry, vacuum, dust, clean bathroom, wash dishes - like a personal house cleaning. Please look into that through your social services, food stamps and ask your Doctor.
You can do it!!!
God bless you 🌹✝️🌹
@@lizziesangi1602 I can get through the first half of your list dealing with the kitchen.
I may not always get to everything else - as long the kitchen is clean and organized - it becomes my focal point to help me not get overwhelmed as much.
@@tillygirl7450 Put the stuff on a weekly calendar because breaking it down makes it easier. Once that system is working add small tasks to it. Be aware of your place feeling better to be in & treat yourself with a new tea, flowers, etc..
Finally I understand trauma. Everything makes so much sense. Clutter, feeling stuck, non social, shame, blame. Thank you so much.❤
I understand it but the energy to make any change is too tiresome at 68.
Clutter can also be a shield of privacy. If you've had your privacy violated or lacked control as a kid or always has people trying to invalidate your mind, you end up using clutter to put barriers between intruders and a peaceful refuge where you can be yourself, where you can hide pieces of yourself in the clutter that the abuser can't find. The problem is when it gets to a point where you can't even find what you stashed in the clutter, and then you end up forgetting where you put yourself. 😵💫 So decluttering is important to keep yourself organized and getting away from abuse is important so you don't have to hide yourself from anyone in your own house.
Thank you so much for your comment. My mother violated every part of me… she raided my room and my clothes regularly.
Then I married an abusive, invasive, controlling alcoholic.
I managed to heal a lot in therapy and get away from all my abusers. EMDR helped a lot. But then the pandemic brought back all the chaos and distress of my unpredictable childhood. I was once again afraid in my own home.
I couldn’t see any point in cleaning just to stay locked up alone in my house. I felt safer with stuff piled all around me. I’m definitely in hiding. Thank you for what you shared. I feel less alone.
I’m finally starting to find other ways to feel safe in the world again, and working at coming out from behind all my barricades. 🙏💕✨
Thank you for saying that. Now I understand why I keep my wardrobe of clothes on half of my bed that my ex would have had as his side. He was an abuser and withdrew from me sexually. And I never felt safe sleeping next to him. Not sure what to do with this.
Well said. I can totally relate to this as I hide in my messy cocoon.
What an insightful comment, I agree it's definitely true in my case.
You worded what I feel.
C-PTSD person here. I accumulate stuff. I collect. I have a difficult time throwing "sentimental" things away. Thank you for this.
SAME HERE!!! Your comment does me MUCH GOOD to read 😊🙏
(and the number of thumbs up when I read your comment is the same # as my birthday lol. A sentimental, meaningful synchronicity for me 😊 🧡)
ALL THE BEST! All mighty, gentle, enjoyable, strengthening healing to you.
I understand this we live in the past and have to let things go. It's all psychological. Get counseling and pray. Try to live in the present. I am working on this now.
Same ❤
I wouldn't throw away sentimental things....
@@maureenkidd6629 sometimes we have to, in order to clear our space.
We can take photos of the items for the memory.
"You start with the thing right in front of you." Might be the best bit of advice I've ever heard. Thank you.
Thanks for your kind comment! Happy de-cluttering! Julie@TeamFairy
I do that every day. It doesnt get anywhere. At some point you may need help. Everyday i do whats in front of me which is the dogs stuff the kids stuff the dishes the sink the floor the bathroom etc... but theres then no energy left for organising the guitar related things. Or the old laptop chargers in a box. Lol. At a certain point you have to go beyond whats in front of you which is the daily chores and get somone in to help with the overload.
@@Padraigp I'm finding that taking good supplements, and increasing my protein intake has increased my energy, and I am able to accomplish more. It is a good feeling! 😍 🌿 🙆🏻♀️
@@GypsyGirl317 nice. I should remember to get more protien as well when i did force myself it made a difference my muscles felt a lot less sore all the time but ive not been doing it lately. Coffee is not the bets breakfast but sometimes all i feel i have time for. Thanks for the reminder!
The fact that she’s opens about her past, especially like being poor and airbrushes of foundation, gives her more credit and is more trustworthy. Thank you so much.
I did not have childhood trauma and was neat and tidy for decades…..until I married a narcissist. I was never familiar with this disorder and after the “love bombing” experienced emotional and verbal abuse that was foreign to me. I knew I had to leave, then he had a stroke and the guilt of “what will people think if I leave him now…he was such a great guy”, kept me in the marriage another seven years. I almost let his behavior kill me physically and emotionally. Over seven years have passed and I am finally done picking up the pieces of myself. During the period of divorcing, my clutter was paralyzing. I slowly dug myself out with the help of my son…..but I’m a work in progress. Thank you for your insight. I need to hear more of what you have to say!
You are lucky your ex didn't alienate your son. Mine has alienated both my children.
I did a sharp intake of breath when I read your comment. Sounds precisely the same as my situation, except I am all on my own. It's so difficult.
Life is HARD! I'm proud of you.
@user-bs5sk9kp3c you are never alone. God is with you.
Reach out to DV support groups, maybe that will help. I know the shame is paralizing...Please love yourself enough to get out of unkind situations.
Me too! I kept the best house and I was super mommy until he broke me. Now I'm just broken and no longer social butterfly as my own children I hardly even see anymore because I don't leave the house in order to go do anything and they don't want to just come hang out with me at my house. Why don't they want to come hang out at my house? Because I just have a lot of stuff! There's a never-ending cycle to this s***.
The important thing to remember here is that she says it’s a strong hypothesis. This is her rendition of clutter. Being too organized can also be a symptom of trauma as it gives one a sense of control. Don’t beat yourself up. Just make effort to do better everyday.
It's ok. She's talking to those of us with clutter issues. The last section is very helpful, because it expands "clutter" to emotional blocks. It's wonderful content!
@latebloomer7191 cut it out.. thenOP has a right to express an opposing opinion if she wants..!
control your issues..! they can be either side of the fence..
gl!
Agreed extremes of both are not healthy minds
Remember too much of anything is no good, everything within good measure is much better. This is my motto: House clean enough to be healthy and home dirty enough to be happy. Please, let's not punish ourselves for things we can't control all at once. One day at a time, and if not, one hour at a time. Just learn to love our God within and we'll all be alright. What we need will be placed in our path - trust it - just like these videos "Crappy Childhood Fairy" Thank you so much for all your insight.
Yes! My mom is an OCD neat-freak, to the point of causing trauma from her trauma. I built walls of crap around me in order to keep her away from me. I've tried to discuss it with her, but she claims I'm just lazy. She is incapable of understanding.
Holy S*&%!!!!!! Lady, you just NAILED my childhood. Strangely enough, 4 years ago I had to have help to escape a very bad relationship and I couldn't for the life of me understand what or how it happened to me but the bottom completely fell out from under me. I am a Marine and from the time I left home until 4 years ago - EVERYTHING was always neat, clean organized and I was NEVER ashamed to let anyone into my home. I was proud, to be honest. Suddenly, I couldn't find the energy to clean or put anything away or be who I knew myself to be. You just hit me with a spotlight and might have just pointed the spotlight on my issue. THANK GOD FOR YOU.
She is so wonderful and helpful! I felt the same exact way listening to her. ❤
I understand, I always used to have a proud home I called “guest ready”.
Now, at my age and with sobriety I am drowning in trauma and I live in clutter and am ashamed of having guests over.
It must be worse as a marine as you are trained to be neat and bounce coins off the bed.
Now, I just can’t get out of bed.
@@bridgetsieger2261 I wouldn't mind talking to you personally. Because yeah you're right
@@jasonhansen8996 I literally don’t know how to make private chat in TH-cam can you show me ?
I’d like to talk to you, too.
@@jasonhansen8996 I dunno how right I am about stuff anymore.
I’m having such a hard time lately.
Is it something in the air?
How did I go from what I was to this?
If you could see the clutter.. it’s not just that.. so much of myself I think is lost. Or gone.
I’ve always been better pals and roommates with military folks because of ‘certain things’.
I’ve not served, however.
How are you?
Anyone else crying while watching this? Hits home
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairythanks
I am grateful that I found this video. My best friend, now deceased, had all of the clutter listed above and it was so hard for me to deal with her mental state and her house that had TONS of clutter. Now I realize that she had childhood trauma which lead to this. I knew her since we were four years old and she died at 62. Her lifestyle and brain activity drove me crazy as everything was so stressful to her. She was abused by her brothers growing up, her dad was a critic and her mother was a drunk who never got out of bed. In those days you could send children to the liquor store for cigarettes and alcohol if they had a note, and so the mom would lay around in bed, in her moo moo, and get drunk and chain smoke. I always knew my friend was neglected, but since I was too, I thought she would be like me and get over it. I guess some people don't. Although she is gone, I can now cut her a little more slack knowing that she was out of control and had no help.
62 is young.😢 Now she is resting.
@lesliefitzgerald2354 I sincerely hope you don’t let that bother you or make you feel bad that she drove you a little crazy. I get we all deal with things differently, but that was your best friend. That you was SO LUCKY to have for so long and I’m sure she knew you just meant well. A best friend doesn’t tell you what you WANT to hear, they tell you what you NEED to hear! I knew my best friend since birth, I only got ALMOST 15 years with her, and she consistently called me out when I needed it. She never let me just go with things. I knew it was because she loved me. That was a real friend. A real friend ALWAYS wants the best for you. I tell all the younger girls that I know if your best friend isn’t hyping you up even when you’re out shining her, she ain’t your friend. My JayGirl died Aug. 17th of 07 an her birthday is Oct. 20th. She would have been 15. I was just 15 myself when she passed. I’m 32 now. Not a day goes by I don’t think of her. She’s irreplaceable. 62 is too young, but your very lucky to have had as much time with her as you did. I like to think I keep a part of my bestie alive by who I am, I’m sure she’s still alive in you when people you knew see you. ♥️ I know this was so random and I hope you took it as heartfelt as I meant it. I just read that and for some reasons listed it really clicked with me.
So grateful you were her friend all those years, even if some moments were difficult for you. It's difficult to be as patient as you have had to be to be her friend. I get it! Thank you! GOD bless you! 💌🥳
That's so sad..
Thank God she had you ❤
I’ve finally gotten to the point where I prove to myself I’m healing every time I clean or straighten something up… every time I put something in its place I tell myself how wonderful I am!!! It’s helping!
Yes!! FlyLady calls it, “Finally loving yourself.” ❤
I haven’t heard of FlyLady for so long! Thank you for the reminder ❤
@@haveyouflossedtoday
Aww! You’re so welcome! She does daily videos and is so uplifting. I just love her! 🥰
Me too. I've become somewhat obsessed with cleaning after escaping an extremely messy environment where I was basically incapable of organizing or cleaning or anything of the sorts. It was also unhealthy, because I've literally had bad breakdowns if I was unable to clean on my "routine clean day" just because I was so horribly afraid that if I don't clean it now I'll never be able to clean again and somehow will go back to that horrid mess I've been living in. I think it's slowly going away and now I'm starting to just appreciate the act itself. I feel accomplished when I see a clean space and I feel like my efforts have paid off. It makes my brain feel good, in a way, like almost nothing does. It's also just nice to do an activity where you can just kind of turn your brain off and just "scrub scrub vacuum scrub no thoughts head empty", it's such a nice feeling when most of the time your brain seems to work on emergency mode.
bless you what a good tip you made me smile
What it comes down to is being stuck in survival mode after trauma, then all non-essential tasks become very difficult to perform because they're not directly related to surviving. If you are constantly on high alert, your mind cannot engage with menial tasks such as cleaning, tidying, organizing and so on. I've noticed that when I reach a point where all of my life stress is at a low level and there are no pressing survival issues (bills paid, work secured, food available, relationships are good, health is good etc.) then I automatically get the urge to clean and organize my space. That is a rarity however and most of the time it's like pulling teeth to even wipe a counter or take out the trash.
My motto is “if I haven’t seen it or used it in a year get rid of it”. I drove my mom crazy, lol. But it works for me and I stay organized
You are absolutely right. My parents were traumatized when they were young, and they in turn traumatized their own children, but this is where I put the stop for my own children. I deal with my CPTSD one day at a time and every day is a new day for healing. I am moving forward everyday, age 65 with CPTSD, and I thank you for your channel.
Wonderful to be empowered to stop the cycle!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So spot on..God bless you
Same here, best wishes to you.
I am 71. I had traumatizing parents who had also been traumatized in their childhoods. I'm still working on my issues from having them as parents.
I'm about 7 minutes in and I can't stop crying. I didn't even realise how sad this makes me feel. I'm struggling so much : clutter in my closets and bedroom. Our downstairs is fine - I try to keep it as orderly as possible if anyone comes by but upstairs is a mess. I feel SO ASHAMED! I've also been struggling with my weight. You definitely touched a nerve with me. I have always said to my husband that my cluttering and messiness MUST surely be due to my terrible childhood - but eat the same time I didn't want to make it an excuse either.
My father was Bipolar (but when he wasn't in his cra&zy manic state, he was a good father) and a depressive abusive mother. She'd smack us and scream at us all day every day. She'd say we were all worthless and stupid and being the sort of middle child (well I have a younger sister by 2 years but she was always cherished and sheltered from mom's rants - "funnily" enough she is a veritable psychopath now diagnosed with HND (I think it's Histrionic Narcissistic Disorder).
I ended up leaving for university at 18 but didn't know what I wanted and flunked (never any order to cope with studying) so I left and came to Europe. I recognise now that I was fleeing an awful situation at home.
I could literally write a book - and I would if I didn't procrastinate so much (almost comical).
Anyway, I got a second chance at life with a wonderful husband and by some miracle, I had a second daughter (naturally) when I was 45. She is truly the light of my life. I just need to lose weight and get my health back. I was obsessed learning about keto and fasting but to get down and "just do it' is so hard.
I now do a 36 hr fast every week but I must combine that with keto to really see results.
Ugh. SO much in my mind. So much to do...
I'm usually a jovial person actually but for some reason this video really made me cry deeply.
Anyway, I had better put cold water on my face as my husband just dropped off our little girl at her granny's for the day (she'll be 9 next week) and he took the day off so we could spend some special time together.
I desperately need guidance. It's as if I need someone to take me by the hand and to gently tell me what to do. Huge irony as I HATE being told what to do - my mother was so awful to me/us. That's where it comes from I guess.
I'll be looking through your videos to try to see if I can find any tips on how to jump start myself.
You seem like such a kind person.
This free course is an excellent jump start: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am a life coach and these are areas of my expertise in helping people move forward. I am also a mindset Mentor. I would love to give you a free 20 minute consultation if you are interested.
Canuckbelgo,
I feel your pain! 😢 Luckily, before a beach vacation I got determined & had a breakthrough! I went low carb (Healthy Atkins/Keto) & finally started losing weight, so far 7 lbs!!!
I watched tons of Keto and Functional Medicine Doctors like Dr Hyman, Dr Berg etc...
So I did it by delaying breakfast til 10am, skipping lunch or grabbing a piece of cheese & meat or an apple (no bread!) if I felt light headed and we have dinner at 5:30-6. I have substituted wild rice or quinoa for brown rice or potatoes & a large mixed green salad, sometimes with sunflower seeds. Olive oil & red wine or balsamic vinegar for dressing. Now,
this is the start of the FAST, so eat nothing til 10am the next morning!
YOU CAN DO IT, YOU GOT THIS! 🎉😅 🙏 🤲 🕊 ♥️
Just always remember after your triggers anxiety etc that do many are just like you. & its ok to be how you are. A work in progress. Some of just take a bit more hilly path. ♡
Same I felt as though something thought I was supposed to hear this. The clothes really hit home for me
I recently cleaned out a room that had become a storage room. As I went through the layers it was almost like an archaeological dig and I could tell what was happening in my life at the time that that particular stack was created. I realized I was getting super emotional on a certain stack that matched up with the month my dad spent in the hospital. I hadn’t let myself feel any of it. Cleaning out the room also cleaned out the heaviness I had had in my heart over the last 10 months
Yes, the clutter happens because of emotional attachment to events which happened 😢
Wow!
I’ve done the same thing~ Bless your heart!!! We are so thankful for this realization, aren’t we! It’s rough, but amazing at the same time… may you be blessed as you continue to progress!
To me, a cluttered room looks like it's screaming. I'm unable to function until it's organized, and once that's done, I can breathe, I feel relaxed and there's a feeling of accomplishment. Ashtrays that are full to the max and people continue to fill it up more by just shuffling the butts around, that drives me crazy! I'm like "Just empty it already"!!!
I agree, I’m usually really cluttered. I’ve noticed even when I clean, it doesn’t make me feel less anxious or depressed. I feel the same, the room is just cleaner.
Same! Or even if I've cleaned my room, bathroom, etc., I know there's a mess hiding in the cabinets and closet, so cleaning doesn't really feel as fulfilling as it should.
I can clean all day but no 😔 ne could ever know bc of the clutter 😭
@@despicabledavidshort3806 I can clean all day but never feel like I cleaned enough....or the overwhelm doesn't go away and I use the excuse of cleaning my house to basically hide from all of my other responsibilities but it really feels like I have to clean because I want to feel calm, but it doesn't work.
@@anamac820 omg I get it. Isolation sucks
To me, cleaning and decluttering isn't fulfilling either. That's why I have so much trouble doing it. I get nothing out of it.
Thank you for telling me my clutter is not just lazyness or learned behavior. I am in my late 70's and by top bucket list item, is clean up my clutter before I die. That is not what I want to be remembered for. Also their is about $50,000 worth of good stuff that needs to be sorted. I am making progress but live alone in a 3000 sq ft house with 4 garages, and I have lived here by myself for over 40 yrs. I did not have a terrible childhood, but a very isolated one. Both of my parents and all of my siblings had or have OCD anxiety and or depression. 2/3 of us have gotten at least some help, but with age those who will not get help have drifted away from the center of the family which is distressing to the rest of us. On the plus side my clutter serves as a security system, anyone breaking in would knock stuff over, get lost in the maze and pray they can find their way back out.
Your story is moving. and funny at the end, which I love.
Lol... The end made me laugh. You're an excellent writer !
Keep going on it! Sending you good vibes✌🏼
If you keep a task list of some kind, I also highly recommend adding things you've already done that weren't on the list. Moving them immediately to "complete" status gives that tiny dopamine boost and can help motivate you to get other things done too.
Great suggestion!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is spot on to me. Clutter is a reflection of inner clutter. My journey with clutter and tolerance for it has moved naturally as I've healed. I now love throwing or gifting away what I would not want to move in 2-4 weeks if I had to. I've noted that certain physical and sexual trauma victims clutter their appearance by design to avoid drawing attention.
That's really good advice! 😊
I do this. It’s quite helpful to add one or two tasks which I have just completed onto my current task list.
Say I suddenly scrub the tub because I see it is dirty and that’s yucky RIGHT NOW. Having done that sometimes will allow me to make a to-do list and Do It.
It might give you a dopamine boost, but everyone does not receive a dopamine boost.
You nailed my life. Raised in a poor family I always wanted a workshop of my own. When I got it I was afraid to use it because I didn't have a warehouse full of materials and was afraid to "waste" what precious materials to work with that I had. So I would build workbenches but use them like shelves so I never had a place to actually work. I bought industrial shelves and filled them with stuff I haven't touched in 20 years, thats how important this stuff was to me. Thank ;you for the explanation of what I had working against me. Now I can try to declutter my life to make room for what I like to do....play in my shop. Maybe I won't be paralyzed with thought when I need to cut into a nice board.
You can do it! Good luck!
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel the same way and have even expressed that to myself many times. Fear of using up my stuff.
Yes, growing up poor is definitely part of not willing to let things go. It also relates to investing and not willing to take appropriate risks. It’s like once acquired I’m not letting it go. Period.
Clutter began for me almost 20 years ago when my mom died and I had to raise my special needs sister who was 13 at the time. I became so overwhelmed that I couldn't focus on anything other than my sister. The clutter in my mind spilled over into all aspects of my life. This video is so powerful and life changing!
I'm so glad the video was helpful, thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’ll bet you raised her well! Blessings to you!❤️✌️
Yes, as a parent of SN kids I can relate.
What I relate to is so much these life events the passing of someone where we take on the items of other people, especially the items of other people we care and love so much that have gone on… Parents, death, kids, leaving the nest,… It’s not where it all began for me with clutter, but it intensified the situation and itmade the part where I feel immobile locked into place
Oh, but what I meant to say, you have a situation in the present tense a living situation, a life situation that demands all your attention. You can’t always just take care of even having a few extra hours or minutes to fix up all the clutter and get it organized, especially with the overwhelm in your life and mind.
All other videos on YT about hoarding and clutter are garbage compared to this one. You’re so right and express yourself so genuinely and clearly. You’re realistic and show the root causes instead of the annoying clean freaks, minimalists types that make us messies feel like 💩. This is groundbreaking stuff! Love it and want to change my life even at 66 years of age. ❤
Yes! Thank you for your kind words.
People love to ridicule others who have messy houses and clutter. It's not that simple and the clutter tends to accumulate over the years and it becomes an uphill battle to the one or ones struggling with it. People typically don't even try to understand their situation.
I’m 66 too and feel EXACTLY the same!! This video is going to be a game changer-I can feel it!❤
I am 67 and just found this. I agree with you!
I am almost 66 and I feel the same way too. Just found her!!👏👏👏
"Your trauma is an injury but it's not an identity. It's not what you are." So true! And I see so many people hang on to past hurts like a badge of honor instead of moving forward in life, but I've never heard it so distinctly worded. Thank you.
Some even make it their entire identity and profession.
Yes, it makes you limp through life, never knowing why, instead of run. Get surgery and get it out. Take medication if necessary and go to counseling. Never disclose it, many people who had never been through traumatic events will rarely understand you. They may even be cold and callous. Go to God. People understand physical disease but not mental wounds or injuries. Unless they physically see i, they won't believe you.
@@frankG335 lol you are quite correct in that statement.
@@SusieW-e3y I can relate to being stalked, but had the opposite reaction. I wanted everything organized so that if something was moved I would know. I had to find a balance and not let clutter or being OCD control my life. I hope you find your balance.
@@SusieW-e3y 🤗 I'm happy to hear this.
I would also say that my sense of order, of needing order in my home is also a strong indication of trauma. My feeling is that any extreme is an indication of variable degrees of mental distress. ~ the forgotten child
This is so well thought out and spoken. One thing that helped me was taking my sabbath. Sabbath is a day for rest. I chose the original Sabbath of Saturday. On this day it did not matter what my eyes fell on, I did not have to feel guilty OR get started on it. The way this worked was that I literally did the things I felt to be important in the 6 days before the Sabbath, and then I had a day off, and it did not matter what was left undone, or what anyone else thought I should be doing. I took the day off. everybody gets a day off. It was a life saver and it enabled me to get more done in the other six days. It was the best tool I had ever found. Thank you for helping us find more.
Great suggestion!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I like that! Thank you 😊
❤ Our Father knows what we need! ❤
Wow! Beautiful suggestion, I do this like 3 years ago from now and is a joy and a really beautiful way to reach the wellness physically and spiritually, I have to confess that sometimes I skip but I always return to celebrate my day, is like my brain and body ask for it! Thanks to Hashem for his laws and counsel because He knows best!
God’s “10 Commandments “ are really just our Father’s loving instructions to bless us. So glad you have learned that. ❤
What's a nightmare for me is the beatings and rapes I went through was centered around housework and cleaning. So the actual cleaning is very hard and terrifying for me.
How heart breaking 💔. Do not give up.
I'm so sorry ❤ I get it. Thinking of you.
But now you are cleaning and organizing for you. I got rid of everything that reminded me. Old photos are in a box under the stairs.
I didn't experience the abuse that you did, but I was verbally abused and hit as a (very young) child because of not cleaning to standards, when I had not been taught how to do it. I am better now than I used to be, but I still have trouble cleaning when anyone is watching, and if someone criticizes or gives me advice about cleaning while I'm cleaning, I shut down. It's very hard. ❤️❤️
I'm so sorry. We are with you
I appreciate the knowledge that clutter is part of my trauma. I just thought I was lazy and worthless. Overbuying food is one of my problems - if it's on sale, it's on my shelves. I have food that has been stored in my closet for a couple of years. I keep thinking that I will live off my shelves and stop buying groceries for a while, but then there comes a news report that food is going to be scarce and prices will just keep going up. I have double depression, CPTSD, and a few more serious diseases. I'm 65 and feel like it is too late to have any healing. I've been on antidepressants since my early 20's. The good thing is that I am learning about trauma, understanding why I am the way I am.
I believe that as long as you're alive and learning, there's no such thing as too late. Maybe your timing is perfect! My mom is 70, about to turn 71, (with childhood trauma and abusive partners as an adult), and she's taking steps forward, learning more, and her momentum has been building as she's slowly cut down on her meds. (With assistance from Drs)
I believe whatever I feel drawn to learn more about holds my next step toward healing. Have you seen the documentary, "Medication Normal"?
Whichever steps you take next, or even resting and processing, I'm rooting for you~
Isn't it great for us older folk to learn from Anna! She has answers we've needed our entire lives. Which brings hope back into the picture! So good!
🙏💕 MUCH LOVE to you 😌🐝🌞
If possible, you can try to find EMDR therapy, there are online ones as well. For me, it started healing from my trauma unbelievably quickly - two sessions were enough to see the difference! I wish you strength and good health 👋
Having shelves full of food is a good thing, its also smart
I have clutter because I’m exhausted and declutterring would require making decisions and doing work that right now would be overwhelming. So I closed my home from guests and I do a little bit at a time until I am comfortable in my house again and can invite friends in again.
Right now people would judge, and I don’t need more of that clutter. I’m starting with the closets and small things. I’m not bringing anything in, and things are going out. I’m getting better one square foot at a time.
I grew up in a cluttered home with very messy parents, and it always made me uncomfortable; even as a kid, I knew that something wasn't right. So now, keeping my place organized and clean is incredibly therapeutic for me.
It can certianly serve as a way to take power back!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My childhood was similar - my difficult Dad had hoarding tendencies. But he blamed me for the mess and, too often, threw my belongings out when he decluttered. As soon as I got my own place, it felt important to keep it calm and clear. I still find that I have to create a peaceful, visual space before settling down to concentrate on something I enjoy.
Same and some of my behavior has gone the opposite. I keep so much control over my environment keeping it clear of clutter it becomes obsessive. I know it's a knee jerk reaction to growing up in clutter, and it's still based in anxiety
Same here. I never had company growing up and aside from relatives I still prefer not to. I hate clutter. It's an uphill battle for me because my two kids are so messy. Their 'clean' is not clean at all. The 12 year old always wants company over and it gives me so much anxiety but I allow it for her sake lol.
Childhood trauma can also create neat freaks like my mom. She was extremely organized and prided herself on household cleanliness but suffered terrible trauma in her youth. It was a way of having control in her environment when life was tremendous and utter chaos.
I had so much trauma in my youth! You name it and I’ve learned bed through it. I was the same as your mother UNTIL I was hurt on the job. Had a failed back surgery and began living in physical pain 24/7 (11 years ago). Then my mother who was my best friend, passed away and right after that I discovered my husband of 32 yrs cheating on me. My life is chaos and cluttered and I haven’t been able to change it.
I’m so so sorry all that has happened to you. He should never have treated you like that and I’m so so sorry for your loss, that is heartbreaking 💔 I’m glad you and your mother loved each other so much but I’m sorry you can’t share that friendship with her in the same way anymore. I doubt that anything I can say would help but I really hope you eventually arrive at a new normal that you can be at peace with 💕
@@em6644 Thank you! You are so kind! Little by little and day by day, my life is getting back to my happy place. I just have to purposefully get up every morning and focus on all the things I have to be grateful for (3 children and 5 grandchildren). I’m aware that children learn so much from their parents behavior. I can only pray my children learn that God has us during ALL times of our life. If God lead me to the storm, He will lead me out of it (or sometimes carry me out of it). I know I’ve never been through anything without coming through stronger and wiser than I was before. I thought I could not make it this far but God knew what I could handle. I won’t lie and say I haven’t wanted to give up. However, would I want my children or grandchildren to give up on life or deal with the suicide of a parent as I did as I watched my father put a bullet in head? Hell NO! I will teach by example. I will be strong for them. I will make them proud of me again. Thank you again for your kind words❤️🙏
@@ajuarez3869 One step at a time. Tidy for 15 mins where you can see immediately result. Celebrate the joy about them and bid it farewell. You will be okay. Be kind to yourself and rejoice in your uniqueness. Your mom made you and she was the best friend ever.
@@donijessen That is GREAT ADVICE! Thank you! You are so right about my mom. She was the strongest woman I have ever known. I try to make her proud every single day. Thanks again❤️🙏💪🏼
I trade time with a buddy that struggles with clutter as I do and we work at each other's house. Having that input and support really helps challenge you.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
What a great idea!
@crappychildhoodfairy
I am seeing this for the first time at the end of December 2024. I have to keep pausing and rewinding to process what you are saying. In contrast to the thousands of dollars I have paid in therapy, you have honed in and sliced to the core of the issues that have plagued me my whole life. I am so grateful for you and your content.
So glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
This was one of your most profound videos! THANK YOU🙏
My Mom died in her EXTREMELY hoarded home that was bad enough to be on the show🙈
She’d struggled with this all my life & I really just KNEW she’d die that way😢
It cost over $25k to clean out the house & another $100k to repair it to sell. I had to throw out (couldn’t even donate) the majority of everything due to rotten food odor, bugs etc.
I could never have friends over plus my Dad was an awful alcoholic. The shame I carried for all of this was TREMENDOUS!
My Mom grew up very poor AND her father sexually abused her. She was in denial of all of this pain her entire life & it caused her to become a covert narcissist that prevented us from ever having a healthy relationship.
I’m a FIRM believer that hoarding & clutter is definitely an emotional issue.
I’m so happy the psychological community is FINALLY officially addressing this.
I have my own hoarding tendencies. It’s definitely a lack mentality as I’ve had times in life where means were very slim.
No matter where you are it’s NEVER TOO LATE!!!!
You absolutely CAN overcome the literal & figurative “things” holding you back!
Sending love, light & hope to you all struggling 🙏💝💫
Thank you for your words of support!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your mother must have been in a lot of pain. It probably didn't help when you called her a hoarder.
@@MsEagle20 I find this comment very hurtful. 😪 I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked still by the things people will do on the internet, but here I am…and there you are.
How do you think I felt when you attempted to shame me for telling the truth in an attempt to help someone else to not feel so much shame if they’re experiencing something similar?
Perhaps you might’ve considered asking me questions before you assume that I called her a hoarder to her face.
Hoarding disorder is a scientific term used to define the psychological construct in the DSM of psychological conditions that professional counselors use. It is not, nor did I use it as a slur or a form of degradation.
I wonder why you’d reply with such a level of insensitivity to my vulnerable sharing?
I didn’t write in a blaming or shaming tone regarding my Mom. In fact, I was vulnerable enough to express that I had my own tendencies. It’s simply the raw truth that I thought could help someone else.
Telling the truth doesn’t mean I am shaming her.
Yes my Mom was in a TREMENDOUS amount of pain AND as an adult who was responsible for an innocent child, she did nothing to help herself.
As an adult, especially over the age of 25 when the brain is fully developed, it is OUR responsibility to work to heal our wounds, no matter who caused them. If not we will bleed all over those who never caused them. We may lean on others, including our faith & yet there is no rescue squad coming except the one we find.
My Mother KNEW that our relationship (her ONLY child) was broke. & I begged my Mom to find healing & she only became worse & worse.
I never knew my biological Father & the man she lived with was a violent alcoholic who sexually abused me. When I went to her with that, she blamed ME, an 8yr old child & STILL MARRIED THAT PEDOPHILE!!!!!!
I could go on to shock you even more with the details of how my Mother abused & neglected me all her life….but I think you are hopefully starting to get the picture.
Through all of this, I’ve actually STILL forgiven her & made peace with all of this because I realize the way my Mom treated me had nothing to do with me. It took me years of counseling & my faith to help me to get to that point. Now I can talk to my Mom with agape love.
It’s not our fault if we get kicked out of our chair, but it sure is if we’re still on the floor years later not taking responsibility for getting up.
No one helped me get up except the rescue squad I found. And it wasn’t my family. My Mom chose to never get up & it destroyed her life, all of her relationships & our trust.
It has taken me 53 years to overcome all of the crap I was handed so please don’t tell me that I made my Mom feel bad. Oh no, she was already feeling all of that when I came along.
Please find more empathy in your heart before you make quick comments to sensitive posts such as these.
Please ask yourself….
“Does it REALLY need to be said, right now or by me?!”
You were right to realize that the internet can contain some pretty mean people. The comments you wrote were very insightful and helpful. I wish you luck on your healing journey
@Lisa Marie Shankles wow. If her mother was a hoarder, it's not this woman's fault. Nor should she have to couch her words. Raising children in a hoarded home is neglect, as well. Your comment sounds defensive. Someone, or maybe more than one person, has called you a hoarder, I suspect. And maybe you are a hoarder. Maybe this video will give you insight as to why, and maybe inspire you to take those first steps to make changes. Telling someone they are a hoarder usually is an attempt to wake that person up. Or it's just a statement of fact. Or it's someone expressing their pain and shame over having to live in an unsafe and unhealthy and unwelcoming home. .
The part about how clutter is actually a mechanism to hold life away from me had me in tears. This is exactly it. I have never understood what my problem is with the clutter. And it's not so much that I have old objects/clothes around, it's that I can't manage my day-to-day clothes. They always pile up in a chair or on a side of my bed or in the bathroom. I always do the laundry, take forever to fold the items and to put them away. and my room is always a mess because of that, and then there's the side table and the dust in the bookshelf. Keeping my space clean is very overwhelming for me, even though I swear it should be something simple and manageable.
And then I just freeze because so much piles up and I just ignore the mess. This has definitely opened my eyes to my behavioural pattern with the constant mess. I have been in this freeze state for 2 weeks now where I know I need to be putting the stuff away. So, I'll do what she says: I'll start with one single thing today and go from there.
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for clarifying the difference between hoarding and clutter issues. ❤
This is me too/ I’m embarrassed for anyone to come over and see the clutter
CARO V you described my life for the last 40 years
That’s me. I read somewhere that highly empathetic people have the same problem (laundry taking ages to be folded/put away). It seems there’s a connection with “keeping life away” as this video says. We develop these techniques to shield ourselves and they end up preventing us from enjoying life. What we need are boundaries, indeed.
I literally don't buy dressers or anything with drawers anymore because I've never been able to keep them organized. Even in my efforts to keep things organized with storage bins, racks or cubbies, I still end up with clutter within those "organization" bins. In the last few months, I've been tempted to throw everything away and start anew. Never have I ever associated this with CPTSD...thank you for shedding light on this.
I do have clutter in all my rooms. I've been job hunting for 2 and half years, so I do get exhausted. But what helps me is exercising to fast funky music. Then I listen while I'm doing dishes, cleaning top of stove, sweeping, clean the tub. If we make cleaning fun with music, then we can stop "Trudging into drudgery". Singing while cleaning is also uplifting and therapeutic. It's important to make it fun. Then we can feel good about it .
@@jazzsoul1695 you're very optimistic, aren't you 🤔
@@despicabledavidshort3806 Yes, I try to be. But v dysfunctional family! Cannot keep feeding the sharks! They will eat you alive!
I do this also, listen to danceable music
Exactly- anti dresser
8/28/2024. Watching your video. I am now better able to understand my husband's battle with clutter. I would straighten it all out and he'd truly love it when I did it but he could not just simply maintain it and soon things would be back to being cluttered again. It was frustrating to me. I would also like to thank you for your transparency about your own life/childhood. I also discovered I have clutter trauma myself. I'm a neat housekeeper but my clutter trauma has an area, a place. There's always the neat room with a nightstand filled with stuff. I'm able to see it and recognize it. And I'll clear it away. I'm also the person that sees a crooked picture on a wall and cannot rest until I go straighten it. So maybe some OCD there as well. Again, thank you
My husband and I both have our clutter tendencies, as do our children. The most sustainable way to deal with it is for the person whose clutter it is, to tidy it up. My husband cleaned up and organized my pantry for me when I was in bed after surgery last year. The gesture came out of a good place, but having grown up clinically underweight, and in hindsight, absolutely 100% starving, I felt victimized. It was *my* food, and I felt out of control when stuff wasn't in its own place. If I can't see it where I left it, I panic instinctively.
I was raised in a country where culturally, you finish your plate. There were no leftovers, because food was scarce. The act of finishing your plate is common in families that did not have an abundance, such as people who were children during the Great Depression, or WWII. It was important to fill bellies at all cost, even if it wasn't always nutritious, just stodgy carbs to fill a belly.
I gained 30 pounds in 6 months after immigrating to the United States, because I kept finishing my plate, even when there was more food, and of higher calorific value. When my husband inadvertently wastes food, like leave a half finished plate of food on his desk in his home office, in stead of put it away, it feels like he's squandering something so precious I lose my cool. I've gotten better, but I used to get in a shouting match over it.
I was raised by a narcissistic, manipulative, and verbally and physically abusive single mother. My father was a toxic narcissist who beat his wives and girlfriends when he lost his temper. One of the reasons I struggle with clutter, is because my mother would just throw my personal things out without consulting me. My sister would steal from me or borrow and break my things. What little I had to my name, tended to disappear. I had left one archive box's worth of notes from my high school, including all my AP math and science notes, and several art projects from my visual arts program, which I could have used towards a professional arts portfolio, and when she moved, she never asked me if I wanted to come get it. In stead of ask, she threw it all out without ever looking at what was in there. 4 years worth of professional art training and science notes I could have used in college as a STEM major in stead of buying new coursebooks, gone. She also sold things that had collectible value that she kept in my parents divorce, and my dad kept telling me it's mine, like an 1860's print copy of Shakespeare's collected works. Well, mom sold it. My mother never respected my things, or my space. The best thing for my mental health was to cut both of my parents out of my life, and out of my children's lives. That's also when I started to mentally feel less overwhelm, and although I still have clutter around me, I can take a step back, observe it, and start organizing it!
The younger three children do not remember my mother at all, and never met my dad, who knew we're flying overseas, and chose to go sailing with his friends in stead. My oldest remembers the good stuff, not my mother fishing for intel from her about my marriage to my husband so mom could undermine it.
Sorry, did not mean to dump on you. Feels good to let it off my chest.
"You don't have to start at the root cause, you can start wi th any symptom where you feel enough inner power to do sthg." That's so reassuring and such a helpful perspective. I sometimes get immobilized bc I keep thinking that this one thin is maybe not the most important thing to work on. And then I can't decide and don't do much with anything. Thank you 🙏
That's so recognisable
I am also in this picture! When I have enough presence of mind in this situation I set a timer for 15-25 minutes and tell myself I will work on SOMEthing, ANYthing for that time while I figure out what's the MOST useful thing to do. Doesn't always work but I'll take the times it does.
A friend once said something very supportive: "Baby steps rock!" Between upbringing, school, and work, I was convinced that if you didn't complete something entirely and perfectly, you were a failure, so starting almost anything was overwhelming. I've since discovered that even making a little bit of progress is, at least, progress. And often a little progress provides motivation. Getting started is half the battle, but after that.... "A body in motion stays in motion..."
I do have a clutter issue with unfinished DIY projects in the house and on car maintenance. Dedicating time on those tough tasks show very little visible reward at first but I've learned to be kind to myself on the progress that I do make on them.
I think she actually gets it! That made me feel better just hearing that. I also have he full cupboards full of food because it's always made me feel more secure knowing that I can go awhile without running out but I really can't eat this much and should stay out of the grocery stores until it goes down.
My mom was the ultimate consumer/hoarder. She constantly talked badly about people who had less things. I wasn't allowed to wear clothing too often incase someone noticed, as if we were always moviestars on the runway. I thought things were the way to happiness. That's what she said, only poor losers had a few things.
And so I was constantly forced as a child to have more things than I could keep organized. Things that I didn't even want because she picked all my clothes and decor, I got no input. Then as an adult she was constantly in my ear about acquiring things. While also constantly berating and ridiculed for not being perfect neat like her. Except she always had maids I did not and she did nothing except clean, no hobbies or job.
I am escaping to another country with my spouse and children to get some distance from my dysfunctional family system. I've gotten rid of 70% of my things already. I will get rid of another 20% when I sell the house and hit the road. I am finally free. I think I might be functional again soon.
Everytime we speak she harps on me getting rid of my things. Like it's a travesty. My old used secondhand things that were mostly forced onto me by her. Things I never really liked or wanted but I couldn't find the strength to tell her no. (She always bought new things and forced her old things on me).
It's scary how sick these people are. It's so sad how long I went along with it. Thank you for your truth telling.
Yea the “brand new hand me downs that you Must want!” …no thanks mom but I’ll drive it to the Salvation Army for you 😂….congrats on your freedom! Same here🎉
Omg it's scary how alike our stories are - from my mother constantly buying/ getting things 'for' me (but without my input) but not allowing me to get rid of it, to even escaping to another country to get away from the dysfunction (in the second country now, with my spouse)!
She also wouldn't allow me to rewear things, yet all the new clothes she'd pick out for me were ones that I wouldn't wear (either they wouldn't fit/ were itchy/ not my style etc) - but she'd make me feel bad for wanting to rewear something comfortable than that (starting with the self martyrdom about how much she sacrifices for me to be ungrateful - even though, like your mother, she didn't work & had a maid lol!)
That said, she would force me to regift any presents that I got from others (she made me keep it in my cupboard in my own bedroom, but I wasn't allowed to keep any of it for myself...) SO she's obviously MORE than capable of recycling/ reusing/ consciously consuming - just not when I'm the one begging her to do it...
I can relate. I’m sad for what you went through. You’re doing great.🎉
Yes, so true. Thank you, this sharing was very helpful to me.
I can't believe the disgustingness of these people. She seeks pleasure in watching you bamboozled and shut down and confused. Utterly disorganised by accepting and inviting all her junk all around you for the purpose of ultimately burying you and fracturing your mind and self worth
I'm a guy who has been stuck for years with, for many reasons, trapped with the thoughts, I gotta, why can't I, shame and so forth. I listen to all types of persons to help with motivation to get things done. I used to and always was ,on top of my responsibilities, and keeping things in "order." It was so important to me. Over time, I stopped caring, and chaos began. I avoided watching your message for about 4 days after it popped up. Knowing the struggle of being accountable, I was discouraged. I have to say I am so glad I listened to your post. You were spot on with your message. I wasn't irritated or felt the need to fast forward , and I listened I began to take action. I really like you. You are real and sincere. 😮 thank you so much for just being real. I so appreciate that. The most useful message I've seen in a very, very long time. Kudos to you!!! You've made a difference. I listened three or more times as I was truly motivated. Huge back story to me, but many many thanks yous.
We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I can relate. I did the same thing. She’s super, and very helpful! No more hating ourselves!✌️❤️
Yes
She is able to relate with us.
As she has had to overcome some things also.
Yes so can I one day at a time or even 5min yes we get stuck child hood truma gives us a hard life going forward we don't understand why us why do we feel so sad but only we can change it we can find peace I'm trying to anyway you are in my prayers
I’m going on EBay to help declutter after I get home tomorrow, and through this weekend!
You got this! Happy sale!
Nika@TeamFairy
You're the first person to really give me the information that can set me free from all the clutter in my life. I'm 80 years old and have suffered all my life from guilt, anxiety, hiding my feelings from others, because of all the shame and loneliness all this causes in my head and my heart. ❤
I'm 71 and also working on all these issues. At least the information on U tooube has given me the info to empower me with some understanding!!!
It’s never too late. 60 here, wanting to change it before some other poor person has to do it.❤
I'm 74. Have NO ONE to dispose of my STUFF if I outlive my husband. My only child is dead and have no grandchildren. I find it so difficult to get rid of things that were gifts from my parents and grandparents....things that I love for the memories. I'm so stuck. 😢
68. Shame my whole life.
@@lydialedbetter2041 do you have any other family?
Wow lack of power, we as children who were abused never had power . We couldn’t control any thing we were never taught how to control the healthy way of being able to make choices. Wow wow wow! Thank you !
"The bird in a cage with the door open" - that is spot on for me. So afraid to leave the cage. I realized that I'm holding my life away. Thank you!
I'm extremely aware of the situation and STILL cannot take a step out!
This is exactly how it is for most who grew up in trauma.
@@infiniLorFor what it's worth, believe it or not this also describes certain species of birds! I know because I had one. Cage-bound it's known as. So it's more than just a saying. It's part of life.
I left the bird cage door open. She flew right into the ceiling fan.
This 👆🏻
Clutter makes ones world smaller than it is.
Nothing feels better than getting rid of stuff!!
Also it is sooo important to be very selective in bringing anything into your home.
I like how she relates all this back to herself and gives personal perspective. Makes this video less judgmental and there’s less “professional distance” and because of it it’s easier to listen to the advice and take it to heart without being defensive
Very true! This person seems able to empathize!
Spot on! 😀 where did you learn about professional distance?
Standing OV 👏👏👏 u nailed it.. 👊 extremely relatable! Not a clinical approach.
@@feeltheyumyumsprofessional distance is for professionals.
But we ain't pros. I know I'm not. Are YOU?
@@purplerain0517not sure why the aggression? I learned about professional distance in graduate school becoming a clinical mental health counselor. I was just excited that someone else knew the term, and wondered where they learned it.
My boyfriend struggles with clutter and your perspective helps me see this tendency with more compassion. Thank you.
You are so welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
I am involved in keeping up on politics because we are in a very scary place right now as a country, but I never thought of this seeking out news as clutter. It is. The destruction of rights in the US will happen if it makes me mad or not. I cannot control the half of the nation that supports Marxist ideologies anymore than Russia could a hundred years ago. It is actually avoidance of my own life and steals my time, making everything in my life harder, causing a need to hoard when I am in need of zero new items in my life. What a cycle. My whole life is avoiding my whole life. Instead of driving off the bridge in such a manor, I need to donate the whole car. Metaphorically speaking. 1% is serving me. 99% is cubic square feet I need to get back. This includes internet time.
I've realized the state of my place is linked to the state of my mind: when it's all dusty, and grimy, and cluttered, it's a sign that I'm not "in a social mood" and would rather be closed off and isolated. But that's not good for me... I've been slowly decluttering my place and my life, and now I breathe so much easier and lighter, and can even stand stronger in the face of difficulties.
Thank you for these insights.
Many of us were raised by Depression Era parents and grandparents who never threw out anything that was still useful, or even repairable. The fear of scarcity was so strong! I'm made a ritual of speaking the magic incantation "I can't throw this away, it's still good" as I throw it into the trash bin.
Oh I love that! My parents were depression era kids and nothing was wasted. It was to ingrained in my DNA that I didn’t even realize it. My parents weren’t misers just frugal and my brother and I were hardly deprived. They just never got rid of anything that might be put to use in the future. It did have a real impact on my ability to get rid of things. Did anyone else’s parents have that drawer full of twist ties from bread wrappers, heck even old bread wrappers, rubber bands, tons of unidentified keys, and the random broken pieces of plastic that you found on the floor, nobody knew what it went to but you put it in the drawer “just in case” you find where it goes? I didn’t know most people chewed a whole stick of gum at once LOL and I honestly didn’t mind or even notice my parents frugality, but I did hate polishing the furniture with my dad’s old worn out underwear!
My son I paid 300$ to clean up my basement. There were 30 large garbage bags of junk in my garage that he put there. Late at night when I thought everyone was asleep, I started rummaging through them! He totally caught me and said “ mom this is not going to work if you don’t trust me” he was right!! I felt so relieved seeing my clean organized basement.
well i am depressed because i know we are being exterminated and no one seems to care right now what's getting you down?
I agree! Baby Boomer here! Growing up during the Cuban Missile Crisis at age 8 years gave me PTSD! My father was a former US Naval officer and scientist! Dad helped build the very first Atomic Reactors for Submarines/ Admiral Rickover's program! Dad wore a RADIATION BADGE to work every single day! The threat of Nuclear annihilation was very real for me! I was very active in the Nuclear Weapons Freeze Campaign in the 1980's! The whole USA and the world probably suffer from PTSD! IMHO!
@@markc1234golf Our President!!!!
2:42 Yes, Anna, you are Spot On! When I was 19 years old, my counselor told me, "Your room reflects the way you feel..." Well, I'm 63 and STILL a cluttered, scattered mess. Trauma, anyone? 😖 p.s. Thank you so much for this segment. I'm going to share it with some people close to me. Maybe they'll understand it's not that I don't care. I actually care a great deal. And actually, after 3 months of horrible dysregulation, I finally did a load of laundry yesterday! I'm friggin' hopeful!😅❤
Hi, I can so relate to your comment. I too feel stuck. Yet I find that when things are getting visibly better, I make it worse. This is a new revelation. I'😢m actually taking the exact opposite action, and rebuilding my clutter comfort blanket?!! 😢😂...Not sure how to get started again?
I get it. It's so debilitating at times.
well done doing the laundry...I know that was not easy....well done...wishing you all the best
That's so awesome. I try and pick up just one item from the floor per week. Doing that helps build my self-esteem and confidence in myself.
@@breegray4162 Hi Bree, I totally get what you're saying. 2 [personal] life examples came to mind. Mine were both fear-based. Future Events Appearing Real. The first was an audition back in the late 80's at Six Flags Great Adventure (NJ), for their Variety Shows. My vocal audition went very well. After the "dance" audition (I'm a singer), the person making the selections invited me back, but told me to "lose 13 pounds". As binge-eating was always a way for me to self-soothe, I immediately bought a package of candy orange slices and frantically wolfed them down. Ensuring self-sabotage and failure. At 2nd audition, I obviously had not lost the weight. 🙄 So, I didn't get the job (I had sung with a band there called, "A Touch of Brass") for a season, many years before. I did get a callback to be a "body puppet" for one of the children's shows, Lol... Silly me, I declined. Only because I knew how hot those costumes were...I've "cut myself off at the knees" so
many times; and its the last thing I ever wanted to have happen to myself.
With that (I don't know if my rant helped at all)...Regarding your "clutter comfort blanket"
😥my bed has been a cluttered mess since my relationship (mutually) ended 3 months ago. I sleep on a "sliver" of his side. Like a can't bear to allow myself to rest on the entire bed. That it would just "amplify" how EMPTY I feel inside. 😭 See?...insight...❣🙏💖 It hurts...but it's a step in a healthier direction, I hope!🥰
I'm sending you a HUGE hug through the Universe.
I hope it reaches you and spreads out to all of us trying to work through this mess.
Again, Anna...Beloved Crappy Childhood Fairy,
Thank you for bringing us all together, and reminding us that we are not alone, and Yes, we can heal. It may not happen as quickly as we would like...but we are beautiful "works in progress" after all...🥲🥰🙏💔💖😊
10 mins in and I was already bawling. I felt like you were speaking straight to me. I’m showing this to my therapist!!! I feel like you gave me permission to throw things away. I know I should throw away the makeup I used twice in the past 6 years… but I only used it twice??? Makeup expires!!!! Seriously!!! Just throw it away!!! It’s not like I haven’t already bought newer palettes.. that’s why I’ve only used them twice! Make that make sense. Seeing it typed out- and hearing you say- directly from a makeup artist.. I am literally at my makeup box just dumping it all. I have my daily & fun makeup in a bag in my bathroom.
I told my therapist about my shame around my clutter a few years ago. We talked about my drive to move forward and clear my space. I wasn’t ready to. She told me “you don’t have to now. Do it when you feel safe enough to.”
Her advice paired with your wisdom.. I feel like a part of me healed. Thank you so much for making this video. I cannot stress how much I genuinely appreciate it. You give big momma energy with a very kind and light hearted approach to such a hard topic.
My inner child & I thank you. ❤
Edit to add: I started something a few days ago. Everyday, my goal is to clean a surface for at least 2 minutes. That’s it. I set a timer, and clean for 2 minutes. It’s such a low expectation I’ve set for myself, I know I can achieve it everyday. The thing is- it takes at least 2 minutes to even pick up items to clean that surface- so I end up cleaning for at least 5-10 minutes… so I’m kind of “tricking myself”. I know 100% it will take more than two minutes to clean a surface- and- if I only put 5 things away (instead of cleaning the whole thing).. it’s fine because I did my 2 minutes.
I’ve noticed a substantial difference in my drive to complete my task and to pick up this habit. I think the idea of tricking myself is great. It’s like “hmm I wonder how many minutes past I went this time?” & not like “what can I clean in 2 minutes?”
I immediately raised my head and became extremely alert when you said, "If the news you are reading is not useful, it is clutter." I am currently distracting myself with extremely emotionally charged topics on social media while I I can no longer see my tabletop because of all the stuff. This hit me just right. Thank you!! Best wishes from Switzerland ♥
I completely relate.
I'm weaning myself off social media. It's the worst waste of time and the biggest trigger/manipulator of mood, and self-worth. Horrible.
@@TheMary0831 That is true in certain cases, however, social media can have a positive effect as well. Think support groups, hobby groups, and in fact this video that you commented on and I replied to! Just be selective and use the positive side of social media to your advantage!
@@ZsuzsaKarolySmith I don't consider YT to be "social media" in the same way I do say, Facebook or Twitter, which I consider toxic. I don't even really like help groups. I don't do well in groups, as there are always a-holes in them to ruin whatever good they intend. Just my experience. In any case, I personally do better without social media and don't think it has done anything to help society as a whole.
@@TheMary0831 I’m a member of several art groups on Facebook and have a loyal community of friends on Instagram as well. We share a passion for mixed media and art journalling which unites us. We support and encourage each other - I’ve never had a bad experience in many years. But I know what you mean, it can be pretty nasty elsewhere (especially when it comes to politics) - but I can honestly say I have made many friendships through social media, so I would not tar everything with the same brush. You just have to find your tribe.
I’ve always said my home is a reflection of how I feel inside. It’s good to hear it’s a symptom. That makes sense to me.
Just a personal observation at age 70: I was a young adult before I realized that all of my middle and high school friends had at least one alcoholic parent, just like me. One of the most interesting aspects, looking back, was that we knew, almost telepathically, who to let into the house, and who not to. It was a secret society that we weren’t even aware of. Sometimes the abnormal seems so normal.😊
Well said!
My parents weren’t alcoholics, but we had a special needs brother. The stress from that was pretty intense and a lot of the alcoholic behaviors were common in my mom. I, too, am 70 years old. I feel lighter after seeing this video than ever before. The shame is evaporating.
Wow! Truly amazing. Our survival instincts are incredible. 💕
@@focusinknmI’m curious about the behaviours. My mom wasn’t an alcoholic either but I feel as if there are parallels with other traumas and my experience of her as a child and young adult🥲
@@mosaicsanctuary3 anxiety. Demanding. Narcissism. Controlling. Critical, different memories from those around her… off the top of my head
I have a win, thanks for sharing how physical clutter is connected to childhood C-PTSD. I spent the past several weeks going through all of my stuff. I was able to discard things that I no longer need, use or even like. Threw out or recycled those items, and feel really good about my space. My apt building manager let me know on Tuesday that there was going to be an inspection today(Thursday) I was already organized so it was quick work to wipe kitchen stove, sink, and mop floors. I do have a few more clothes then I need, and some extra food(stored properly) for just in case.
Part of my clutter anxiety is from "if i get rid of it and need it, want it, or miss it it'll trigger a whole other wave of anxiety". No matter how hard i try.
We understand, you're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
Or the opposite happens like when a parent passes away and there is an immediate need to clear things out so that there's not a reminder of pain of the loss.
I was just like that, so I feel U. It got a lot better when I started to notice that whenever I threw a lot of stuff away (or donated or sold them), I didn't actually needed - most of- said stuff later. I don't feel I'm totally rid of this difficulty, because I have the other kind of clutters still going on.
I was that little bird stuck in a cage that I could never leave. The door was open but I could not fly out. It wasn't an abusive relationship or anything, it was the work world. Even tho I had spent a lifetime saving money & I had my social security, I could never retire bc I would starve, I would lose my house. I saw the work force getting younger and younger than me. I got to the point where I felt so out of place. I was like the old lady of the office. I had NOTHING in common with my coworkers. The work world began to be so alien to me. Well the stock market losing 10% of my savings every time I turned around got me to a financial advisor and he showed me, yes you can fly out of that cage and have a retirement. He set me up with a secure annuity without the stock market. Now, I'm free! I'm free! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish.
The GREAT REPUBLICAN RECESSION DID ME IN, I HAD SAVED FOR 40 YEARS BUT I WAS SELF-EMPLOYED SO NO GOVERNMENT ASSISTANCE. I DIDN’T HAVE WORK I HAD MY SAVINGS. I LIVED ON MY RETIREMENT SAVINGS FOR 4 YEARS DEPLETED MY SAVINGS. NOW AS A RETIRED PERSON I AM POOR,
@@RenegadeDesignerit wasn't republicans.. go back to barney frank who was a Democrat, he should be in jail for what he did to fanny mae and freddy mac.. even W (republican president, warned us on the front page of the NY times..!) said something should be done abt fanny mae and freddy mac.. but the Dem congress wouldnt.. it was the clintons who de-funded our intel and caused 911.. and also clinton had an almost Trillion (yes with a capital "T"..!) Trillion $$ dollar surplus (SURPLUS!) when he took office.. and what did he do with it.. ffs educate yourself on what happened before parroting the soros-sponsored cnn propaganda..
@@RenegadeDesigneralso even if self-employed.. after 4O years you should easily hav a decent social security amount unless you broke the law and never paid taxes and employment deductions..
Well done and Congratulations!😃
Clutter is an effect not a cause! I love it and that feels really accurate to me. I was never so cluttery until I had PTSD
Great comment- thank you for sharing!!!
I know I had a crappy childhood. From a very young age I was very organised and kept my room in tip top condition. It was a way to have one place in the household that I was in control of. I lived like I wasn't there, as if there was a big glass dome that covered me. I saw what was going on, but wasn't part of it. Nobody saw me. Acknowledged me. I just owned one dress, and never asked for anything. I still feel that I don't need anything. My feelings were swept under the carpet.
My live has changed, I went to a retreat, for dealing with trauma. I learned to love myself, and that I 'm worth it.
You are SO ARTICULATE and gentle in educating poor souls like us who don’t know where to turn or how to get started healing our damaged parts. BLESS YOU! ❤❤❤
AMEN
Yes, you learn everything through mirroring someone else. Our brains are computers, I believe, with both long term and short term memory. When it comes to habits, we often mirror something already seen.
@@frankuvlkango away troll
@ChristopherJohnson-th1futroll
THERES NOTHING LIKE GIVING AND GETTING " REAL WORLD" ADVISE FROM SOMEONE THAT HAS ACTUALLY GONE THROUGH IT ..AND NOT JUST REPEATING WHAT THEY'VE READ OR BEEN TAUGHT IN COLLEGE.
I LOVE YOUR INSIGHT!.. POWERFUL WISDOM.
👌
So true ❤
AGREED! I'm always more willing to take advice from "been there, done that" types who conquered "it"!
G f
Please don't write everything in capitals, it sounds like you're shouting really loud.
@@Grim1of2
😂...
Gotcha ..thnkx..👍👍👍👍
The trauma is not necessarily from childhood. Mine is from an abusive long term marriage. Same symptoms.
Me too! From abusive marriage isolation, loss of career and illnesses. I feel like I lost all my life potential when I got married. Now I’m 65 without career close friends or family. And still divorce ongoing for 5 years already. He’s 13 years younger than me and attempting to maximize his profits off me. It’s very traumatizing.
Same here 😢
@@lovemagicandroadit will get better...allow yourself to be happy...let go... give him what he wants and move on
@@lovemagicandroadI am sorry
@lovemagicandroad Oh Lord. Sorry. Well I'm almost 70 and I'm in the same boat and struggling to maintain hope (while I still keep making mistakes!) Dunno about me but there is still hope for you, keep your chin up. You can still accomplish things. Take care.
I totally relate to the cupboards being FULL! My family has more than enough food. I was raised by parents and grandparents who lived through the Depression. We saved everything! My husband has helped me by sorting through the shelves with me. He is aware of my childhood sexual abuse and has been a great help to me in dealing with the ramifications of this abuse. Thank you so much for this informational video. ❤
Glad to hear you have a supportive husband! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I have clutter. I’m a counselor and thought that daily priorities, work, caring for animals, (etc) was my excuse. I also thought that clutter was a sign of being creative. Thank you for this. I needed a boost.
People with ADD or ADHD are more creative because they see the world in a different way.😊
I woke up with this heavy feeling of worthlessness once again and then I heard your message and realized that I am not alone. Thank you very much for sharing your story.
As I sit here overwhelmed with a cluttered house beating myself up for not “utilizing my Saturday” this popped up. I feel better yet a bit more determined due to my new knowledge of possible reasons behind this seemingly vicious cycle. Especially the explanation on shame from uncontrollable areas from childhood triggering you now, collecting too many toiletries, clothes, food items because of neglect early, and saving old items/clothes from “specific times”. Thank you.
I feel energized and determined to declutter after I binge watch a few episodes of 'Hoarders'.🤪
@@danadams6477 Yes that is very helpful!
Slowly but surely does it... do something every day and it all add`s up... I am de-cluttering and cleaning my home over the space of a year. Two months in and I can already feel the difference. Ive had more visitors in the last month than I have had in the whole thirteen years I have lived here! It feels great to not feel embarrassed any more.
I do the EXACT SAME thing with beating myself up for not utilizing my weekends to declutter...I work full time so I've just recently realized 2 things: (1) decluttering is "work"/labor intensive, so it feels like I'm "working" when I try to do it on the weekends, and (2) I need not feel bad about using paid time off DURING the work week to declutter so that I'm mentally (and subsequently physically) able/energized to do it. Now I just need to select a few days and do it! Thank you for sharing your story!
@@rachellecannon4995 Same here, sister.
I am so relating with this. 😊. It’s my thing to want to go through my boxes. To me. I’m neat. But it’s going thru all this stuff after a move that’s going on with me. ❤. Much emotional clutter. But 😊 I also introduced myself via an email to you 😊 I am loving this btw 😮.
Many blessings
Christina
When I decided I needed to control my clutter problem, I had to face the fact that I do have adhd and I had to deal with a bunch of emotional and mental work so I could face the clutter. It's so wild to me that the clutter and my mental health walk hand in hand. When I notice things are getting out of control in my home, I sit back and ask myself what's bothering me mentally.
My bigger dilemma is how much of my “stuff” belonged to someone who passed away…my grandmothers paintings, my dads musical instruments, my grandfathers war documents (MOH recepient, invites to WH, pics with Truman etc). I can’t just “throw that away”…for many reasons. 😢
I can understand your deep attachment to your relatives belongings. They hold a lot of emotional history. Would you consider donating your grandfathers things to a museum? Is it possible that your grandmother's paintings and father's musical instruments be appreciated by others if you sold them online? Finding a loving home for these mementos while you are still alive will ensure that they are not thrown out in the garbage after you pass. You would be ensuring their continued meaningfulness to someone who can appreciate them.
This is another aspect to this situation: acting as "family historian / museum curator" by holding on to everything. What you can do is "compress things." You can take several digital photos of every important object you sell, donate, or throw away, so that the memory survives.
My sister and I don't have children so I wonder what should happen to family history objects like that.
Take pictures. They don't weigh as much.
If you don't like them, use them then give away. Have a friend come over and take the box from you.
I've recently made major life changes. I quit my job, I moved, I got rid of TONS of "stuff". I definitely feel that these changes came about because I've been working on myself. Healing trauma. Trying to be the best version of myself. Finding happiness. It's hard letting go sometimes but after it feels so good. I learned that I don't need "things" to be happy or to have memories. Good luck to all those on the same journey. Peace and love.
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
Hi, I have been purging things and giving them to the VVA. Where I live they come and pick-up donations at my house. However, my husband holds onto everything; books, magazines, mail, clothes, etc. It’s making me crazy and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve offered to help him, but it doesn’t bother him. It’s so bad I have to close the door to his office and cannot go into our basement other than to wash clothes. Any suggestions?
Wow I’m doing all the same. It’s so nIce to hear about your progress . Thank you for sharing . It offers encouragement for me to keep moving forward!