How to Read Japanese People's True Feelings (Honne/Tatemae Interview)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 27 มิ.ย. 2015
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Many people seem to be puzzled by the concept of honne and tatemae. So I asked Japanese people about them.
This interview was pretty funny because it turned out we enjoy talking about honne and tatemae. Some Japanese people (like me) are more comfortable with honne than the other. - บันเทิง
My confidence is shattered I always thought my chopstick use was brilliant
😂😂
Too much Tomate ( tomato in spanish)
Oh noo 😂😂😂
@@robertsantiago953 hahha
Something I really struggle with in Japan is the tatemae. I've been here a year and only found out about tatemae a week ago.
It's made me second guess everything someone tells me now.
I always wondered why the coworker who took me to lunch when I first started has been ignoring me for months now. Turns out she was obligated to take me to lunch and everything she said about looking forward to being my friend and "going out to lunch again" was tatemae.
hahahahahah FUN!
That's the sad reality :(
Lol fucking true same situation
that's horrible but I've accepted there are colleagues that just come to work and that's it. Which is fair enough for some. I guess you learn quickly who's keen for a casual coffee and who's not. People are broken
@STENNELER Jérémy i had a deep conversation at a bar with a japanese after just 10 days. I knew about this consept before i went there. Even the japanese have problems alot of people never go out and are called Hikikamory, because they often feel they dont fit in. I live in Norway scandinavia and people her are also like this. Exept here the " tatemae" is to have a more natural and not so shallow and robotic surface, but this naturalness is often just a fasade. In reality people can hide all kinds of feelings behind this " natural mask"
I guess you could say, honne is where the heart is.
stop
👏👏👏👏👏
😆
Booo
How honne-st.
There was this japanese guy I met for a language exchange and at first it seemed like we were going to be really good friends. It seemed like we got along very well, and he would even invite me to other events, like a karaoke night, and gave me ramen noodles he brought from Japan. He himself told me from the beginning that he "doesn't do tatemae" and he even taught me how to joke with the japanese expression "that's a lie". He seemed super laid back and not at all like the "typical" reserved japanese sterotype. Then on one occasion I started to talk about deeper topics, and opened up about my family background, etc. I thought that we had gotten to know each other well enough that I could share these things about myself. Unfortunately things went downhill from there. I noticed he got more uncomfortable. I asked if I said anything that made him feel uncomfortable. He said "No, don't worry. Nothing you said made me feel uncomfortable." But then later that week he cancelled our next planned meetup because something came up. I suggested another day and he said yes. But then last minute, he invites a third person without my knowledge, and then on the day, ignores me most of the time and talks mostly with the 3rd person. I confronted him about it afterwards, and he kind of lost his composure and blurted out "yes it was tatemae. What you said made me uncomfortable. We cannot be friends". Just like that (it was a longer conversation but it was basically that). I felt really betrayed, as I usually only open up to people I trust. He made me feel like I was a close friend, but turns out it was all just tatemae.
bro, its like you read off of my friend's life story, because something EXTREMELY similar happened to her and honestly it was hurtful. It's like the guy just ghosted her (treated like she didn't exist at all) I guess the most painful part of this whole situation is that you THINK you became close to someone but you didn't, it was just a facade all this time.
@@user-dd8we9kv2l I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I hope she got over him. It really is hurtful because it feels like you being vulnerable and opening up is not actually valued by the other person. It makes you feel disposable. But, in a way, it helps to hear that others have gone through the same thing and that I wasn't going crazy.
@@cb-zc8dv It really does affect your mental and emotional health and sanity. It's like the feeling of being gaslighted. I agree, it really is on another level.
I assume he doesn't like or can't get along your background and family. It has to be the only explanation based on this comment .
If the whole thing was tatamae, he must try usually to attract someone as usual and he wants to look for he likes, but he finds out about your personal things doesn't like you.
If I were you, keep making up good appearances on him. Maybe he changes his mind.
I don't really rely on people. My tatamae will do the work and I see what happens. The tougher the more I try to be finer on people
Just reading this comments broke my heart. It is hard to believe Japanese people.
I work as an English teacher in Japan and one of my coworkers told me I was too blunt in some cases and that I need to tone it down. But by western standards, everyone considers me polite. It's actually beginning to exhaust me a bit how much I feel like walking on eggshells all the time. I love Japan, but hate the high level of tatemae used. Sometimes I cannot tell if someone's truly being genuine or not at times.
Yes, and conversely when Japanese people live abroad, I have heard a lot of people mention that they feel liberated because it's so much more easy going, and their stress level goes down.
Abroad where? in the west? in countries like south east Asia, like Thailand "The land of smiles (and lies)". knowing how to use Tatemae like the Japanese naturally do, is actually an extremely useful survival skill at work when you are facing untrustworthy people who are manipulative, cunning and are looking for anyway to use you or slip a dagger behind your back... Luckily in Japan you can get off easy because most Japanese people are nice people and won't try to harm you even if they don't want to talk to you, but in other asian countries you have to learn very quickly or you will "die". Being AsianAmerican I'm not used to it at all but I've learned how to put on a face in public to deceive those who are trying to harm to me, as well as strategize ways behind the scenes to protect myself from harm, and find good friends that can give you intelligence about what evil doers are up to, for instance: there was a cunning "Snake" who was going to try to sabotage my project at an upcoming event and being the project leader I had to pretend that there wasn't any issue and I had no idea what was going on, but this guy had been talking to my chief kissing up to him in private and was making preparations to go and trying to find a way into this event, while lying to people in the office that he wasn't interested at all. I created a plan that would exclude his involvement, got the backing of the company sponsors in writing, then brainstormed legitimate reasons to ban him and talked to all the right people behind his back, and got him kicked out on the day before, right at the last minute before the event even started. I did it at the last minute so he wouldn't have time to think of another scheme. It was really funny to see his face, he was absolutely shocked that day, and I even asked him what happened, pretending to be shocked myself, my stratagem worked and it wouldn't have been possible if I couldn't put on a "face".
My Chief, who is Canadian didn't learn and tried to avoid dealing with office politics. He got backstabbed twice by his peers, and got kicked out of the company.
@@ickbar11 Such an ironic story, but it is what it is. You’re just trying to protect yourself and that’s okay. Hopefully, you won’t use it on innocent people and I hope you be helpful(kind) to them too! I am an introvert and people tend to misunderstand me, thus making enemies involuntarily and they backstabbed me a few times. If you and I meet each other, I don’t think we will get along well😅.
@@ickbar11 Man , it's feel like spy thriller. I'm going to graduate someday and I don't know how I gonna cope with these corporate wars .
@@ickbar11 This sounded like a plot of a modern-day Game of Thrones episode dude.
'Were those girls pretty?'
'Uhhh, sure i guess...'
'See, that was a white lie. They weren't pretty at all.'
Hahahahahah. That guy.
jim bob '' If they watch this we could be in trouble '' haha that guy is funny
***** so we have 1 of the 2 girls replied here haha
Đỗ Khắc Tất Hưng I was going to make that same joke but I didn't think she'd be amused. It seems I was right.
***** Come on now, he's only teasing. :L
+TheVideoGuy Agreed with the first part. Disagree with the second part, because as RARE as they are, some girls are amazing, really nice, and really great people beyond what you can see in any anime.
But yeah, I do repeat, it's rare.............. rare.......................
100% honne btw lmao
+Soko Shoko Assuming you were one of the two girls, don't worry, he wasn't trying to offend or disrespect you. They aren't idiots, they are really intelligent people, and they seem like really nice people, too. It's also just an opinion they had, which means other people can think differently and find you pretty anyway.
100% honne :)
I think westerners have honne and tatemae, too to a degree. We just don't have such a clear distinction between the two except maybe calling it "telling a white lie" but that doesn't hit it on the spot either.
At work for example I think nobody really talks their mind, they hide their feelings to get along with coworkers and the boss. You also don't want to get in trouble.
We avoid touchy subjects like politics or religion and if we can't we try to not speak our true opinions because we might ostracize ourselves.
I have had some long and fierce discussions about politics and religion with some of my friends and the relationsship was never as cheerful as before. In the back of our mind we always think of each other as "that a*****e that doesn't agree with me on these important things".
I also don't tell everybody about problems in our family. Because it would be either embarassing or troublesome for others. You don't want to talk to people who always complain about diseases or how unlucky their family has been these past weeks, so you get turned away by people who're doing that. And therefore many people don't talk about these things.
So maybe Japanese people do have a different threshold about when they decide to open up to talk about private things, political opinions etc, but I think at the core they're not that different.
woolver42 I agree. Western people definitely have honne and tatemae too. Japan just happens to have the words to frame the concepts and we are probably a bit more concious about them.
woolver42 Agreed. I was going to write a post similar to what you and ThatJapaneseManYuta said but there is not much more to say. Watching the video, I was actually surprised at how much I could relate to what everyone was saying.
One thing I do think is different is saying "You should come over for dinner" or "We should do this again sometime." I think Americans wont say something like that unless they are at least somewhat willing to follow through.
woolver42 It also definitely depends on the person where I'm from (USA). For example, at my last job, most of the people freely spoke their minds and even shared a lot of details about their personal lives. I never became friends with any of my co-workers, but I avoided the squabbling that occasionally happened as well. One co-worker was very surprised when my girlfriend came to pick me up one day since I'd worked there for almost a year without mentioning that I was in a relationship.
Tatemae seems to be a similar concept to the "If you can't say something nice, don't say [anything] at all." I don't know if the phrase predates Bambi or not, but I've heard it quoted from time to time.
ThatJapaneseManYuta I do think westeners have litle bit less of tatemae because we don´t carry an hierarchical structure as much as japanese people do.
ThatJapaneseManYuta What you said can also be applied to the Chinese concept of face. Its a universal concept but the Chinese just happen to have a word for it.
I don't want to be friends or associate with someone who tells me what I want to hear despite thinking something else.
Yifu Yang I believe you make a valid point, however.. If somebody does a shitty job, he does a shitty job and should be told so. That should not prevent you from having a harmonious relationship! It's okay to be honest or even rude. If you can't deal with that and become sad, insecure, angry or what not.. then it is you who has the problem.
A gorgeous babe just told you how handsome you are . I do not eant ot hear that. right.
Except for the blond with the biguns right?
@@Paretozen gotta start with these words "I agree, but...", right man?))) hmm i see.
I'm sorry but I don't see things this very way. I think you in a certain way expect the friends (or associates) around you to like you, I think in west the division of this two concepts could be translated for certain contexts as politeness, nobody wants to hear that he/she smells...so nobody tells even in west...this can be seen as tatemae, and in western culture is broadly used too.
I've talked to a lot of foreigners in Japan, and the main cause of stress for most seems to be tatamae.
If we don't understand the concept, it comes across as being "two-faced".
Even if we do understand partially, it still feels rude, because it shows that the person doesn't doesn't trust that we can handle honesty.
This is just a generalization I've heard from so many foreigners in Japan that complain all the time and eventually leave.
Personally I didn't get upset by it, but I do find it very hard to trust Japanese people who don't say negative things.
Actually, I'd love to see a video on Japanese people's reactions to honne from foreigners. I've heard of many incidents where Japanese people became very stressed or offended when foreigners said negative things (not about the person they are talking to), even though for us it's just natural conversation.
+TrickWithAKnife
Your post reinforced my belief that it's not a "vertical notion" but rather a "horizontal one". In other words, it's not that japanese have higher or more rigid concept of "honne/tatemae", but rather a differently framed one.
For example, in US or other societies that highly push individuality as a desired trait, a lot of people will go "I don't care what others think" and then go home and have a completely external locus of control:)
Now, yes, that is more about coping mechanisms than actual "policy", but I think it still stands as a point. In japanese society it's important not to make ripples and to be polite, so that's the direction they go when they converse in a more formal setting or when not with closest friends etc.
In other societies, people also adapt and push their public persona to adhere to soft (or hard) rules of social interaction tied to that particular society.
As for the argument that japanese have it conceptualized and others don't, I don't really see it as a decisive differentiation.
After all, persona is a legit psychological term and for a reason. It has little to do with japanese or any other specific country.
I've never been to japan but today I've come across a video from yuta and started watching more of his "social experiment" videos out of curiosity.
Correct me if I am wrong but from what I understand from the video and the comments is that "Tatemae" is pretty much saying straight lies in certain social situations. You seem to describe it as a way of being polite but my in my opinion :
a) You can be polite without telling straight lies
b) You can be sincere without being a jerk and hurting people's feelings.
c) in rare situations when both not hurting peoples feelings and not telling a lie is not possible, you can just keep your mouth shut or just change the subject
yes. well when you translate it literally to english, it usually ends up sounding ridiculously over the top. But in japanese, that is just the normal way to talk to people you aren't close with. I kind of see them in japan as common figures of speech for polite/formal situations.
for example, "とんでもない” means something along the lines of "absurd".
If some one compliments you, its very common to respond by saying, no that is absurd.
Of course in english, that is downright rude to reject the compliment so harshly. Whereas in japan, that is a perfectly normal run of the mill response to a compliment(in a formal setting) and even politely accepting the compliment may come off as overly self confident in comparison.
its really not about the logical meaning of the words being said. But more to do with the conventional style of conversation.
Actually, I'd love to see a video on Japanese people's reactions to
honne from foreigners. I've heard of many incidents where Japanese
people became very stressed or offended when foreigners said negative
things (not about the person they are talking to)
Never worked for a large corporation in the U.S. have you? Brown nosing and as kissing is used all th time.
I'm currently living in Japan, and it makes me sick when people always use tatemae, in Philippines when you use tatemae you'll never get a real friends! This is part of each country's culture, and to tell you Japanese are extreme at faking their feelings (in general).
Never disagree with this, we call people like this a 'plastik' (plastic). And we all know a plastic is fakeeee
I mean it’s their culture though, when in Rome, just do as Romans do.
@@PokeTwilight if the culture is bad then it deserves to be changed. If we were to provide an extreme example, let's say that in country x, there is a culture of killing people in their sleep. When you visit country x, will you star doing that too? Obviously not because it's clearly bad. With the use of tatamae, it is no different but of course less severe in it's nature. But even so it should be something that should be rooted out.
@@crashermanbombardment4147 just because its bad for you doesnt mean its bad for them. You arent some ultimate standard. There are lot of benefits to being polite as well.
@@aashrithreddy2917 I am not anti-politeness. But is a culture where people actively censor themselves really a good definition of being polite? It is possible to be polite without having to hide your emotions. You can disagree without having to offend. Being truthful to one another is how we make bonds. Of course there are always things that we should probably keep to ourselves, but it shouldn't be to this level.
"-Have you been telling me honne in this interview?"
"-Yes, it's honne!"
-- I don't believe you.
I love Japan, but the one negative thing about living here is tatemae. While people say it greases the wheels of progress, I find the opposite to be true. People's inability to say "no" or be honest about situations in the workplace means that pointless tasks carry on and energy is wasted on futile endeavors all the time because nobody has the balls to step up and just put their foot down or state the obvious about nonsensical ideas and practices. And while people say it avoids being rude and hurting others in personal relationships, I can't think of anything more toxic to a personal relationship than insincerity. Not being 100% open with your mom about what you and your buddies got up to in Vegas is one thing, but constantly emitting a stream of BS counterintelligence to everyone you come into contact with is another. While tatemae is often defended for its role in the former situation, more often times than not it manifests itself in the latter.
How many big companies have you worked for? My daughter and her bunch worked 2 weeks with no days off to prepare a presentation. Her bosses spent an hour on it and made no comments.
I mean the idea is that you are using tatemae with people that you maybe don't want to be friends with. It's similar all over the world. Though I would say that most places will give you honne when you fuck up at work :D
@@harrymcnicholas9468 You learn in the military that receiving no comments is a compliment.
@@Ichigoeki Well presumably they weren't working in the military though.
Tatemae was one of my gripes with living in Japan. I wanted people to be honest with me. It was frustrating because I didn't know who was being genuine or who really wanted to be my friend and those who only wanted an English buddy and only treating me nicely because of cultural expectation.
This had me think about something my old Japanese teacher told me, but idk if it is really true: He said in Japan, when the boss invites people out to drink, often(?) times an employee might pretend to be "drunk" after like one drink and go off on the boss and complaining, telling him off, etc, and the boss/ higher up person will just take it because "you can't blame a person for what they say when they are drunk." I wonder how true this is or not.
strategic honne lol
this may be the intent of the boss, he chooses an employee to get "drunk" so he can get a better understanding of what his staff think of him or his policies. This allows the employee to save face and may actually show that the boss is respectful of the employee.
This is what I understood to be true as well, when I lived there.
@@pablobartelotte4553 OH MY GOD JUST TELL THE EMPLOYEES TO GIVE THEIR HONEST FEEDBACKS IN THE FIRST PLACE. T_T
@@pablobartelotte4553 I find that funny, and it seems like it an effective tactic, but it also seems cowardly because it doesn't confront the problem: the absolute lack of trust between the employee and the employer. If they trusted each other, a little honesty wouldn't need to be such a danger. In western countries, if a boss played such games with their workers, it would be insulting.
In France or with french people, you HAVE TO bannish "tatemae" behavior. We prefer the truth (the substance) and our feelings will depend on the way you say it (the form). But if you lie, you'll always has bad results, way worse than telling the truth in a raw form.
Using tatemae is extremely insulting for us; people will never trust you anymore if you use it, thinking you are dishonest. :)
In brief, we have several form of honne here.
(There is maybe an exception for some old people too, like in Japan)
I swear to god I can't stop watching these videos! please send help!!
+MOS We can be trapped together.
+sanityisrelative Now we're three. May the rabbit hole never end.
Haha same.. I really need to go to Japan
oh...oh no! me too! help me too!
So I'm not the only one..
I 'honne'stly love your channel! Really interesting interviews, keep up the great work (^-^)
In Britain it would be "being polite" and "being honest". Though it's not formally defined and not as extreme, it is somewhat similar. However I have some British friends who lived in Japan, including one who has a Japanese boyfriend, and how two-faced this part of Japanese culture was, was one of their main complaints (the other being the sexism).
Interesting, I have heard many Asians complaining about the British being too fake and easily call others using terms of affection like "my love"
@@sunflowerhk100 There is also truth in the fakeness. It depends on the person and where you are.
"Love" is a relatively common thing in parts of country to say, especially to women. It's more Northern English than anything else. An example might be a man at a market asking a female customer "How many do you want, love?" In this case it's more an expression but it's overly informal and personal in my opinion, and for for lots of other people too, but not affectionate. Maybe that's what you mean? Despite the word it's not affectionate and more just friendly, like saying "mate".
If someone calls you "my love" then they're probably interested in you romantically or trying to get you into bed and coming on pretty strong. It's not normal to use with anyone but romantic partners.
Where I'm from, this kind of behavior is part of what we call "Minnesota Nice". Some of it is passive-aggressiveness, some of it is genuine, but most of it is tetemae. You don't want to ruffle the feathers of the people you're stuck with. It's better just to play nice and save yourself the headache.
Your Wayward Destiny Interesting. Does it have something to with Minnesota?
ThatJapaneseManYuta Probably. The whole region where Minnesota is sitting is kind of known for it, but since Minnesota is pretty much right in the middle of it, it's attributed to us from Minnesota. We're right next to Canada as well, and their reputation proceeds them as very polite at the same time. Like Thor said, it is usually associated with our large population of people of Scandinavian decent.
But who really knows where this comes from? I blame the long winters. You don't want to be stuck inside for half the year with people who hate you, after all. So instead of going "hey, you stink" we either bite our tongue, or find a nice way to present it like "You have a very earthy smell to you, you must work very hard."
You'd only tell someone straight that they stink if you know them very well, or are very rude. The further north you go in Minnesota, the more you find this behavior.
I can relate very much to the people in this video, anyway. I wish I could be more up front with some things, but I'm programmed to be kind to people I don't know very well. It's a lot of trouble for everyone to have bad relations with others. I just assume that everyone is just using tetemae-like behavior for the first year that I know them.
I'd love to visit Minnesota one day (maybe during summer) and see this myself. All the people I've met who were from Minnesota turned out to be very friendly and unpretentious so far. And you guys have one of the most interesting accents in the States :)
ThatJapaneseManYuta Haha! If relaxing at a park sounds nice, we have many forests and lakes to enjoy. :) We'd certainly be glad to have you visit.
+Your Wayward Destiny I don't know about the long winters. I mean, Finns are usually considered direct and they live as north as Scandinavians do. Although I'm not that sure if it's true. Maybe when compared to Sweden and Norway? There's no way to tell someone you don't know well that they stink without being an extremely rude, but isn't it the same in every other culture?
Although if someone is bad at singing (for example), then it's usually perceived as polite to tell them nicely that they're bad at it. If they're aware of it, then it won't hurt their feelings. If they're not aware of it, then you just helped them to have a more realistic view about their skills and probably saved them from embarrassing situations that could've happened in the future. In the end, lying to someone about their abilities is more harmful than telling the truth, because you cannot improve anything, if you don't know what needs to be improved. But then again it depends. In karaoke bars (here in Finland there are lots of them) you're free to sing as badly as you want and nobody doesn't give a shit. Their purpose is to have a fun, not to criticize other people. But I would never ever to tell ie. my boss that he's good at singing if he's not. If he'd ask my opinion, I would tell the truth.
I've also noticed that some of my foreign friends have quite a hard time to read the air. For example I had my Burmese co-worker to living in my apartment for a month without realizing that I would much rather to be alone sometimes. He had broke up with his girlfriend recently, so technically he was homeless, but his mother lived other side of the city where he could've stayed occasionally. I really need some personal time to function properly, but you just can't kick your guests out of your house.
I appreciate the value of tatemae, the concept's really not all that uniquely Japanese after all, but the particularly strong emphasis in Japan leads me to really celebrate the moments when people start telling me their true thoughts and feelings. For instance, after gradually building a friendship over a period of several months, eventually my friend told me quite bluntly, "I really don't have a good impression of Americans." Given that she was telling this straight to the face of an actual American, me, I was a little surprised. Just thinking about it makes me laugh a little. Instead of taking offence, one tends to treasure the little insults like this your friends tell you to your face as signs of growing trust and closeness.
She may have told you she is annoyed of you and doesn't want you to keep calling her but doesn't know how to say it anymore. It's really a matter of interpretation.
I personally disagree, I like honest people and I don't like when others lie to me. It can save many troublesome moments and improves mental health
But it must be very hard that you can't be yourself. I'm trying to imagine this situation and it makes me depressed if I can't tell my real feelings. I'm sorry about these people.
why would you to ppl you don't necessarily care about?
Great interviews and topics! As a NZ born Japanese, I have sometimes been told that I don't 'read the air' (kuuki wo yomenai). I've given up on trying to change this as most people around me tell me that I have no tact, and I've realised that can't help being straightforward. Personally, tatemai is something that I dislike when it's done in important situations, because 'knowing the truth then working out a solution' feels more valuable to me than 'pretending everything is okay so everyone gets along'. There is a lot of emphasis on 'not rocking the boat' - which might be good for a peaceful atmosphere at a superficial level, but:
a)doesn't create important social change where it might be desperately needed (because there is no debate or discussion when everyone agrees with the most senior person)
b)creates a breeding ground for things like isolation and pent-up feelings (which I think, if not expressed, can result in things like adult bullying and suicide).
Watching this video, I've realised that I do tatemae pretty often in inconsequential situations when I don't want to hurt someone's feelings (like telling someone that their art looks good when I don't like it), but I speak my truth when there are important consequences, or when I need to look after myself (like if I need to disagree with someone about an important decision, or if I'm tired and can't meet up with someone).
On a related note, I also think Japanese people tend to be more thoughtful but immature when confronted with honest feelings - I see responses of intolerance, disapproval, guilt-tripping, annoyance, upset and even violence (eg. slapping women/children in anger is way more accepted than in Western culture), instead of the more 'openly listen and try to understand each other' Western approach, when there are difficult feelings and thoughts being laid out. Not meaning for this post to sound so negative; I think it's a very interesting aspect of Japanese culture which has wide social consequences. As a separate note: another way of seeing tatemae would be likening it to saying: 'Hi, how are you?' in passing - it's not sincere, but it's the polite social norm, and everyone understands that it still expresses friendliness.
I guess the closest English word to to tatamae would be *tact* - "The ability to deal with embarrassing situations carefully and without doing or saying anything that will annoy or upset other people; careful consideration in dealing with others to avoid giving offence; the ability to say the right thing"
But it's a word that isn't used very often any more.
RC Master omg you use tact? In German that word is still used a lot :)
+johnNYgoesLA same in Poland :)
+RC Master Or white-lies and lip-service. We all use those whether we mean to or not, anyone polite does anyway. Charismatic could also be used as well, or sociable, elegant etc.
+Pineapple It's somewhat different from being fake because someone who passes themselves off as fake expects everyone to intepret their fakeness as the real deal. Which is to say, they are trying to get one over on the other person.
With Tatemae however, you aren't trying to trick the other person; they are expected to understand you are going through the act of socially smoothing things over (and in the case of Japanese people talking to other Japanese people, they normally do).
In a way tatemae can also show respect for the people in a given situation because it's an attempt to make the environment/social exchange hospitable for all those involved.
ShehzaanA Abdulla
Exactly.
Japanese personality's seem very similar to English (where I'm from) particularly in the work place there is a lot of fakeness going on i.e people being nice to your face then talking/thinking the complete opposite behind your back, I think it's a pretty instinctual thing in human nature and certainly isn't solely a Japanese issue.
well in the US they don't . you guys have an indirect communication style
Well,,,I am Japanese but it really depends on person. Some try to be nice to get girls or men. Even for job opportunities.
My honest answer is in many ways Japanese people are shallow though. they try to be nice but you never know their honest answer...it's just my opinion. There are many in Japan who are amazing and courteous.
I always disliked the extremes when living in Japan:
The dis-ingenuousness was annoying because many people are terrible actors & I was able to easily see through the deception.
On the other hand, when the "honne" came out, there was a LOT of very rude and inconsiderate things said: an unsolicited "You look old and fat."
By creating such polarized extremes, it leaves no room for the balance most of us prefer: be honest and genuine but also understand that rudeness and callousness isn't something anyone wants to deal with.
Example 1:
Tatemae: "You have good vibes."
Honne: "You're ugly and really fat." (especially when unsolicited)
Balance: "You're no supermodel but neither are most people."
Example 2:
Tatemae: "You are such an amazing singer!" (fake smile)
Honne: "That was the worst singing I have ever heard." (disgusted expression)
Balance: (Silence)...when prodded "Not my cup of tea."
Extremes only lead to divisiveness. No wonder I got on better with the Europeans I met in Tokyo. I prefer honesty but no one likes a jerk. I prefer civility but detest fake people & dishonesty.
+Resvrgam Nice, first time i see someone talking about "staying in the middle" , i think the same
Excess is bad, like drinking too much, ingest too much salt, etc....
I noticed this in Japanese people as well. They either act really nice and courteous, which is a facade, or they become too comfortable and start becoming really rude and condescending if they know you. I always wondered why these extremes exist in Japan. While I think in the rest of the world we generally have more of a balance.
+Resvrgam I've never found the negative that extreme from Japanese people. I agree that, living in Asia, you have to get used to comments from friends if you've gained weight or your appearance has changed, but I can't recall anyone saying something like "that's the worst singing i've ever heard" to me. At worst it'd be more along the lines of "that was pretty bad.." (with clear hesitation on their face).
On the other hand, my American friends... "Bro you fuckin suck", "Ew, don't wear that, I don't wanna be seen with you if you do".
So, I think it really depends on the person and the comfort level you're at with them, regardless of culture.
yuuisland You lucked out. I was really taken aback at being told I looked old, fat, and scary when completely unsolicited by my Asian coworkers while living in Tokyo.
This.
To answer your question, "YES". They think it's perfectly okay to lie to your face.
it would be perfect if people could mix both honne and tatemae: be sincere but with intelligence, honest and careful to not hurt others' feelings :)
***** good guy! :)
***** yeah..people want to be blind sometimes,because reality is too hard to accept. I know the feeling,I'm a loner because of that too! But I learned that it's better to say the truth to the people you love,and to be more polite to strangers,you won't be that much of a loner this way
***** yes I know,but not everyone feels that way
+Hana So basically just considerate honne.
treize32 yeah I guess so
this would also make it harder to date lol.. you never know if the person you meet is being honest or not.
This video was really culturally informative.You don't find such videos easily on TH-cam.It's great to understand more the core of their culture...
If you have tricks to get people to say their honne, I'm definitely interested in hearing about them.
Bevan I'd imagine booze would be the fastest method.
booze and late-night chat
I think a lot of people hate tatemae, but keep in mind that we do the same thing in the west sometimes. Especially in a work environment. In most companies in America it is also the culture that you never directly criticize something, you complement the person on something else, and hope the people get that you are unhappy with un-complemented thing. The principal of tatemae is definitely used in the west as well.
The only thing I notice and that a lot of people say about Japanese people is that they don't say no! Kind of like when the guy in the video was talking about the business situation, he wants to just say directly what's wrong but can't.
In other countries, everyone just says what's wrong. Lots of yelling and getting angry and whatnot :P gotta do what you gotta do
In other countries people don't scream daily 😂 the language is adapted to say the truth in many different ways (I say this as I've read people say you can only express the truth in a more blunt way).
People in other countries understand there is always someone who will disagree or dislike them. I'm not saying a person can say every little thing they think (even though in some countries is common and people can definitely live like that) but a majority have thick skin and don't take negative constructive criticism personally.
I'm not saying this to say it's better but we definitely don't get in arguments for disagreeing with someone every time.
OMGsh thank you for this interview!! I think it is one of the most important topics for foreigners!! Working in Japan, I realize I have to "do as the romans do," but in the back of my mind I always wonder: if everyone knows that everyone is lying, and everyone knows that everyone knows that everyone is lying, then why doesn't everyone just tell the truth?!!! I would love it if you could ask Japanese people what they think "wa" or harmony really means. Because I don't think it means the same thing in Japan, as it does to westerners. お願いします！
***** It's the same in your home country and in every culture.
The reason why people continue to play the game is to move things forward. When at work, it's beneficial to play along with everyone so that work gets done. Getting dramatic and personal would just poison the atmosphere and no work will get done.
***** The thing is we *can* and *do* lie to ourselves in order to keep our spirits high in many situations. Hearing someone's true opinion outright, especially in public, could bring us down when we least expect it or need it.
Bombadil Exactly. Depending on how we look at it, honne can actually be poisonous to to our moods and not really be helpful. Therefore, even though tatemae is not "the truth", it is still very valuable, to ourselves and others. Think of how many times a depressed person would beat themselves over with what they view as "the truth" about themselves, when a more positive statement they don't yet believe in could often be a better solution. And there's another way to look at it too.
+hasen195
No it isn't to the degree it is in Japan. If I don't like someone at work I kinda ignore them or keep conversations to a minimum. But in Japan they would say stuff like "wow, you're so amazing at you work, good job." They go too extreme, and that comes off really disingenuous to the rest of the world, while in Japan that's very common.
John Baker lol what? I think you're making shit up.
I like how buddy called out his friend "he's not so handsome", "he has good vibes" lol!
Kindness and honesty are terrible without each other.
Honne = Truth
Tatemae = "Seattle No"
"Seattle No" is when someone laughs a bit, then says "Maybe".
I'll be leaving in Seattle this fall so that is good to know haha
+TheFootballstar5588 living*
I wish I knew this before going to Japan ...
Discovered your videos last week; They're fantastic and very well done. Just ordered your book, too. Keep up the good work, my friend, looking forward to reading it.
We all do this. Try talking 'honne' to your boss, or at a job interview, or to a customer, you won't get very far. "How are you? I'm fine, thanks" is British 'tatemae'. No society can survive with everyone being honest all the time.
True stuff.
I love your videos, they're always so fun, and the interviews you have with people are cool! People actually talk how subjects are and how they actually view them, to show audience what would they like to know and how they're relevant to things of Japan. Awesome! Keep it up! 😊👍
I travel frequently to Tokyo and have mixed feelings about the Japanese. On one hand, every interaction I've ever had has been either a neutral or positive experience. But I also pick up on people I don't converse with. Just observing the body language of people in trains, in cafes or malls, one does get the feeling that they are very private or walled-up individuals.
There is a way to speak your mind without hurting someone's feelings. For example, I'm not sure if it's a translation issue but the way that last guy commented on the length of the interview was borderline bitchy. Before you feel yourself getting frustrated by the length of the interview, all you need to say is, "Hey, we can't chat any longer. Can we do a final question please?"
Same goes with the guys who were set up on a lunch date. My suggestion: "I think our friends tried to set us up. We're not into this and I can see you are uncomfortable too. Shall we call it a day?"
I see extreme Honne and Tatemae playing out in Japanese dramas too. Art imitating Life. Recently watched a drama series, Code Blue, where a young doctor encouraged her nurse colleague to speak more freely. The nurse went on a tirade of unkind remarks she had been meaning to say.
I've seen too many similar scenes played out in Japanese media. They are either drunk or encouraged to speak freely. If this a reflection of their society, it's sad to see that only extreme ways of speaking are utilised when conversing with people outside one's inner circle.
My humble advice would be to ALWAYS speak your mind but practice empathy and kindness. Honne and Tatemae can be seamlessly merged through more practice, more conversations. :)
I agree with everything you said. In general, things like empathy and compassion seem like foreign concepts amongst Japanese people.
@@veemon uP
first of all, you are the guy who gives advice to a whole nation via youtube comments? nice. i didnt know changing the world was that easy.
Moving on, so your advice to a whole nation of historically "more private people", as you say, to people who have to actively think and act regarding the hierarchy of the situation, to people whose culture might frown upon honesty and in extreme cases even cause them problems (AS IN EVERY CULTURE, let us not bullshit ourselves) would be "hey just be honest ma dudes"?
nice. well, if you ever get depressed, then i guess "dont be sad"
you cant understand why if encouraged to speak freely they sound bitchy? really? how naive are you? you cant be that young, since you re travelling around that much. if you bottle up thoughts and emotions for a long time, there is no calm and kind way these will ever come out.
You travel frequently to tokyo? Well, if you think you have the answer, then try and teach it to them, instead of giving "advice" online. Bring the change you bitch about
Regarding the suggestions you made, e.g. "Hey, we can't chat any longer. Can we do a final question please?" .. i actually find them quite bitchy. I feel no problems with what those guys in the video said.. he said the interview was a bit too long as a half funny, half-serious comment. I think he was being genuine and direct but also softened it.
@@sunflowerhk100 What tone of voice did you use to read my suggestions? You've clearly projected some of your personality ugliness and unhappiness if you think politely telling a stranger that you can't stay to talk anymore is bitchy.
Please don't project on me. Most people here agree with me. No one has to feel obliged to continue answering the interviewers questions to the point where they pass weird bitchy remarks. Just politely tell the interviewer you can't chat anymore and take a final question if you have the time. Easy.
I know a lot of people that went to japan to work really hated Tatemae / Honne because some of them felt that the people they thought had been their friends for years didn't like them.
Yes of course this exist everywhere in the world but it exists more in some countries then others especially in countries where being polite is a very important factor of the culture.
Because everyone uses Tatemae/Honne in Japan it's normal and people don't really bring it up but for a foreigner it might be difficult but it all depends on the person.
Some people can watch someone get assaulted and not do anything and just watch or ignore it and then we have some people that will not just stand by and watch and do something about it.
Lol that guy really just took the chance to roast his friend in front of a camera
Honne to full extent ^^
That video was BRILLIANT! You ask some of the best questions, Yuta!!
I think it says a lot about a society's culture when you have specific words for this sort of thing. I wouldn't even say that it's good or bad, either. But it is very interesting.
It shows self awareness. Cultures that have no concepts of this will have people living in a delusion that everyone around them is saying more or less what they really think.
This makes me sad but I’m glad I stumbled upon this. I’ve constantly been going on trips to Japan because I totally fell in love with the country, it’s culture and heritage, and it’s people. I genuinely wanted to have a Japanese friend so I guess I walked into it blindly. I met someone and we’ve seen each other twice in the four years I’ve been visiting Japan every year. Now, I’m not even sure if he was just being tolerant of me or if he truly wanted to be friends. Personally, I’d rather be told I’m not wanted rather than being tolerated so as not to offend me. :(
When I lived in Japan I used to work in a bar and thus got to talk to a lot of business people from oversees.
Most of them said that they trusted their Japanese business partners and that they were always happy to work with them because of their sincerity. There is tatamae but it was said that compared to working with people from other Asian countries, it was less extreme or at least done in a more moral way.
In China for example tatamae is used in a more extreme way, people are nice to you but their true aim is to stab you in the back and use the situation for themselves (Not all of course but in general quite a few people said that they experienced this danger in working with Chinese).
So the Japanese tatamae is relatively sincere or done with positive intentions, at least.
Here in Philippines, there is a similar concept to tatemae. There is no outright term, afaik but we call people who do such thing as "plastic". There is another variant which exists in a work environment where a person use tatemae extensively to get the favor of higher ups. We call those kind of people "sipsip" (tagalog word literally means "to suck"). These actions are frowned upon by many.
Late but in Australia we call it fake.
I would LOVE for Yuuta to make a video about how to tell if Japanese people are saying what they really think or not. Any techniques and tips would be helpful, because westerners have a hard time reading Japanese people and getting their true feelings. Please do it!
Amazing interview! I loved the questions and a very good look at cultural differences, obviously I think being honest is better, but westerners have tatemae as well!
The last question was so clever, and I loved the honest answers. great job!
That was SUPER interesting and also very well done :)
Thank you again for this lovely interview!!
I understand Tatemae, sometimes you can't be 100% honest, in the worst case you may get hurt, on the better someone can start hating you
The japanese way of pleasing people and preserving an harmonious interaction through tatemae is a big cultural barrier for me. Even though everyone uses this, not just japanese people, I feel like it can become an obstacule when I'm trying to get to know someone and I'm opening myself, saying my true thoughts and expressing my real emotions, but the other person won't do the same even though there is no need to keep the charade like it's a business meeting. Please do more videos like these!
Waaaah, I feel like I learned so much from this video. Thank you!!
I can really relate to these comments lol
I have a group of Japanese friends who come to America a couple times a year for work. They speak pretty minimal English and I speak pretty minimal Japanese so it's a total group effort to communicate. However, they always make me make the decisions and never tell me how they feel or what they think about things.
Which, makes me paranoid.
I'd like to know if there is anything you can do to make Japanese people feel more comfortable around you so that they feel that is is okay to be more honest.
Keep up the good work!
At first, I was very confused about the concept of Tatame and Honne but I've just realized, I've been doing them all my life.;)
Bro, you come up with the best interview questions. Great stuff! Also, I love the music outro; it's very cheerful. Que tengas un buen dia!
I hate tatemae. It gets old really fast. I don't bother to try to make Japanese friends anymore because I can't believe anything anyone says. I always end up assuming everyone is lying.
Katnipkitkat (Cthülhu Kthûl'hu) Total opposite of India.
In India, we just blurt out whatever we feel, good or bad!
But, as an Indian, while visiting Japan, it was clear that they were racist against me, but they won't let it out. they aren't straight forward. Am like "Yeah, insult me! why won't you! I know you want to insult me!!"
THIS IS WHY I HATE JAPAN.
JUST LET WHATEVER YOU THINK OUT!
It is so annoying to know/feel someone is pretending to be nice to you whilst bad talking you in their head.
@@Katnipkitkat_Cthulhu Usually they will be nice and sweet if you are around, but start bad mouthing you when you are out from their sight. That is why，in Japan, basically, no one really trust each other and many of them end up dying alone. Because they all know what they do to each other behind everyone's back. So their sense of distrust towards human are deep rooted.
人間不信，対人恐怖症。
@Chung Shiu Liau I think many Japanese people spend so much time being a fake person they have lost who they really are or were never taught that human beings are individuals in the first place.
Agreed, i had lots of trouble making friends with japanese my age. At first i thought it's just bc my taste in hobby and other things are just old so i don't have common topics to share with. But the more i know them, the more annoying it gets, esp when i'm the only one that is being honest and hoping for the relationship to improve. Even if i try to be nice and care for them, they'll end up backstabbing me in one way or another
thank you so much for this. for the longest time i just didn't understand & didn't realize they were consciously doing this and that there were even words to define it. but i could totally do without the tatemae, which some people call being fake.
Thanks for this one Yuta. I sometimes worry about this when conversing with Japanese people/friends.
+John Doe
It's not paranoia when it's true. Japanese people are very good in putting up a facade. I can see it in some interviews when they talking about foreigners and they say things like, "yes foreigners are great" and "we accept non-Japanese and half-Japanese the same", yet in reality Japan has a historic culture of Xenophobia, and it shows in their immigration policies, laws, and the fact that more than 98% of all Japanese are ethnically Japanese.
John Doe No I mean they are much more obvious about it. Like they take it to the extreme. For instance, if I don't like someone at work I will try to ignore them or keep conversations to a minimum, and the other person would get the idea I am not a fan of them. So I am being polite, but not completely fake. In Japan, if you do not like someone at work, you would still say something like "wow, you are amazing at your work, I really appreciate it, good job". Its a lot more dramatic and a bit too extreme and more disingenuous.
That's the difference I have noticed anyway.
John Doe No no not sarcasm, because the idea behind sarcasm is to subtly let the other person know you meant the opposite from your tone or facial expressions. But in Japan when they say those things they do not say it sarcastically, they don't mean those things, but its not in a sarcastic tone at all, its just a fake response. Watch the video, one the girls explains it when she talks about what she says at work to her boss.
John Doe I don't understand....You do know when you tell a lie it doesn't HAVE to be sarcastic right? I mean you understand what sarcasm is yea?
+HellsAttack I worry about this when conversing with non-Japanese people too. Everyone does it honestly, but it's more so this kind of unwritten rule here in America, whereas in Japan, it's more widely understood and everyone knows everyone else is doing it.
yuta, you're really awesome man!!! i can't wait, japan, here i come!!!
This "_tatemae_" reminds me of what a staff member told me in high school: sometimes you have to sugarcoat things, which I personally dislike doing. It just feels like I'm being fake. I'd rather just be straight up with people then fake a compliment just to make _them_ feel better. Basically, if you don't want my honest opinion, don't ask me.
Also I absolutely loathed my high school so there's that.
The fact that they said they talked honne during the interview, was tatemae
Great video Yuta san. I'm going to watch again now. Will be a fun conversation topic in the bar after work!
I really liked the content of this video! I've never heard of honne/tatemae, so it was great learning something new about Japanese culture. You should make more videos about things people might not know about Japan!
I think every culture has that type of polite falseness, but Japanese tatemae is known for being the cause of a lot of misunderstanding between Japanese and foreign people. A classic one is that answer "chotto..." ("well, maybe...", "I could be...") instead of saying "Sorry, but no."
6:11 That girl in the background was literally tatemae laughing
Yuta this is very informative. Thank You for sharing this very interesting part of the Japanese people.
Your quesrions are awesome! Especially the last one...i wad wondering throughout the interview
I really like your videos! Keep it up :)
massimo attanasio You caught up fast. That is how you use tatemae^^.
+Edmont Dantes Omg... Funniest thing I've seen today.
+massimo attanasio You caught up fast. That is how you use honne^^.
So do they use tatemae because they cant be honest because it might hurt someones feelings and they don't want to embarrass anyone? Is tatemae a nicer form of lying?? I wouldn't want to be that way :( I think we should find nicer ways of being honest instead - maybe that's just me?
Such an interesting video!
That is a really good video and an important topic about Japan! The last question was the best! :D
I've always found this part of Japanese culture fascinating. I know it gets a bad rap (Well Tatemae anyway) from foreigners, but in a way we do it here in America too. We tend to be more direct than Japanese people generally, but we do say things that we don't entirely mean. We usually call it lip service here. It's like when you say things like "Oh yeah, this was great we should do it again sometime." or "we should get together one of these days." etc. We use words like "Sometime, someday, one-of-these-days, we-should, eventually' etc. to say that though we might generally like the idea we don't think we'll ever do it, or sometimes even we want to say that we can't stand a person and just want to placate them so they'll go away. So really, we do have the same thing, it's just not verbalized. i guess the difference is the Japanese people seem to stick with Tatemae most of the time and they switch to Hon'ne when it becomes relevant or when they are with their close friends, whereas with Americans we tend to stick to Hon'ne until a situation becomes awkward or if we are with someone that we don't really like, and then our Tatemae comes on.
This was very very intersting
Hey I´m a recent subscriber from Portugal. Im loving your interview videos keep up with the good work! :D
wow. This was really interesting. Thanks for doing this!
People prefer comfortable lies over unpleasant truths.
I prefer the truth because I know it is good for me, good for you and good for society as a whole. The reason people do not like it is because they are not used to it. We have become a world of deluded fools.
+MissFoxification I might sound very grim here, but I think we as humans have ALWAYS been a world of deluded fools.
thank you for making this video because there were times when I wondered why some of my Japanese friends wouldn't just be direct and say what's on their mind. but know its kinda makes sense why lol
Dude I'm coming to Japan next year!! I really hope I see you!! Love your channel btw!! 😋👍🏻
This was really interesting! Thank you for making this video.
So basically, all of Yuta's interviews - you can't take the people's opinions as valid.
I understand wanting not to disappoint people but many foreigners say do away with Tatemae with them - b/c it's a waste of time and it's emotionally draining you're playing like you're their friend but you're really not... they'll be alright if you don't want to hang out with them - so don't offer it. you make people feel worse when they later find out you were "just caring about their feelings"
And it's things like this why I want to raise my child in Japan. These things becomes a part of a person. It takes a while for a gaijin to learn these things, if they bother to learn them at all.
For example: Americans often think/say things like, "who cares, it won't hurt anything" or " I don't care, I don't worry what other people think, I need to take care of myself first". This type of American will find it hard to truly understand and learn use tatemae / honne.
It is easy for a Japanese to learn, "Fuck that, I don't care, I'm doing it my way" than it is for an American to learn Tatemae and Honne
Some people, not all people. See, I can teach my child the "western" way at home, while they learn the "Japanese" way at school and in daily life.
At home, I can teach them to have a balance. Sometimes, the western way is the best path. Sometimes its the Japanese way.
But for a western person to learn and apply the Japanese way, I think this is much harder and most westerns will not bother trying to learn or they try but give up easy.
If my child learns Japanese way first, teaching then the western way is easy and with time and experience, they will learn to have a good balance.
Well, this is my *hope* at least. I don't know if I can succeed.
Pretty interesting interview! Thanks for sharing :)
liked and subscribed!! Thanks for all these videos, really an eye-opener for me to Japan ^^
i'm curious, are tatemae and honne conceptualized in japanese society as two ends of a spectrum, or as a strict dichotomy? they don't play out exactly the same, but compartmentalization is a similar phenomenon that we have in america, the difference presumably being that the goal isn't social harmony, but self-preservation. great video again yuta!
These interviews are really interesting! Do you have these videos with Japanese subtitles? It would be helpful for listening and reading practice :).
Wonderful video! I think my favorite so far! In the end of the day japonés people are sweet and caring for others and that’s always a bonus! I agree with the argument that honne should be more present because I believe there is always respectful ways to speak your mind.
The lady who said that she can't really tell the difference so she pretty much always speaks honne seems so sweet! It's completely possible to be honest without being rude or hurtful 💕
As someone coming from outside of Japan i think people should be honest to each other - as long as they don't hurt feelings too much.
I mean, talking honestly is a sign of trust, and how do you want to correct mistakes if you don't talk honestly to each other?
Damn, in that case Japanese people wouldn't bare a day with a latino. We talk about everything and right to the face!
Dario Avila Total opposite of India.
In India too, we just blurt out whatever we feel, good or bad!!! Like who cares what others feel!
But, as an Indian, while visiting Japan, it was clear that they were racist against me, but they won't let it out. they aren't straight forward. Am like "Yeah, insult me! why won't you! I know you want to!!"
THIS IS WHY I HATE JAPAN.
JUST LET WHATEVER YOU THINK OUT!
Debangsu Sarkar
What incidents that makes you think they are racist toward you, but won't let you know? Can you mention the examples when you were visiting Japan?
Debangsu Sarkar . how do you know they don't like you if they never told you? And don't just say things like, "I can tell from their eyes" cuz that's bs
The one thing that's interesting to me is that Japanese language has tha distinction between tatemae and honne. Being completely honest and being polite and social is something that happens in every culture, every country. No society or group could function if everyone would always say and do what they think to themselves without being polite or being sociable. But I only Japanese language to have this clear words for both situations, as in English or Hebrew (My language) there are no such concepts.
honne vs tatemae just exist to very different extents in different societies
simbbam I wouldn't say Japanese is the only language that identifies these
concepts and gives them a name; you'd have to survey all the major
languages of the world before you can make such a statement.
But I share your sentiment. It's kind of amazing the kinds of things
that Japan has a word for. It probably has something to do with their
efficiency. Being able to identify such issues helps people avoid
needless drama and move things forward. It might even be one of the
factors that feed into explaining how Japan built this giant economic
empire.
Very good interview about Honne and Tatemae!
Great interview!
Also, I just realized I use a lot of tatemae in Canada when I don't know someone/I'm not comfortable with them. I kind of want to use more honne in those situations.. but I just can't haha
how can they build "good relationships" based on lies? wtf
Sorry to sound mean, but you saying that just shows your ignorance of how society in cities work, and that includes the people who liked your comment. If you got offended by what I said, then just keep in mind that I actually used Honne just know. Not really a great way of building good relationships with others, huh?
Znyr You seemed a little confused to me. Being straight up rude is different from being honest. You can just say what you are thinking in a not so rude manner or not say anything at all. For example when someone says “Does my hair look good when I wear it like this?” And you don’t think it does but you say “Yeah, you should always wear your hair like this, you look really pretty!” It is being a liar. When you say “You look really ugly and your hair looks like shit” It is being rude. But when you say “Maybe a different style would suit you more” It is being honest AND not hurting the other person thus making them feel you’re an unpleasent person. Society would function like this just fine in my opinion.
Lobo Senpai I used that as an example because it’s a very basic-easy to understand situation, you took it a bit too literally. And the reason they may sound rude is the fact that the comment had a feeling of defensiveness by saying something along the lines of if you got offended then here’s the thing I would say to you although no one has said anything to them yet. Then with the so called question in the end it had a feeling of aggressiveness. So the transition from defensiveness to aggressiveness may leave some question marks in a person’s mind. Neverthless I admit my mistake of reading too much into a youtube comment.
Because each knows the game. They realize each is trying to be polite.
You can be honest or rude, be nice but lie, or you can tell the truth while doing it in a nice way. Truth does not have to mean rude or unkind.
i learn a lot with your videos! thank you :)
This is an excellent topic! As an American (and a very direct and communicative one at that) living in Japan this is always a struggle. I feel that being a genuinely interested, productive, and helpful person negates the need for Tatemae. I also feel that Tatemae severely slows down progress in almost all aspects of life because it makes it very difficult to get anything done. I'm pretty much 100% Honne, and I absolutely love it when people are with me as well even if we disagree. It always feels a bit insulting and insincere when someone is speaking Tatemae to me. However, I do recognise and understand the necessity of Honne/Tatemae in homogeneous Japanese society, and I know that I'm not being maliciously lied to when someone is speaking Tatemae to me, so I accept it in hopes that one day I'll be comfortable with it.
This is not only in Japan I guess, but everywhere. It's just that Japan have specific words for it.
Every time you make a video, I just really enjoy it. それは私のほんねです。笑
Muy buena entrevista!! Una de las mejores!!
I like the fact is that they don't want negativity around or hurt other peoples feelings