He told me he feels unworthy and undeserving of love and happiness. He feels like he isn’t good enough for me, and I just want to help him feel worthy.
This video has really opened my mind, I have gone to my second session of therapy and now I have just been able to understand that I just have to be there for her no wonder she was pushing me away, I needed to stop looking to control everything and hear there wants and needs for once.
This is so helpful and yes, that's what I did and though he is not yet feeling better he still communicate and share things now with me because he felt not being judged, he felt being loved. He thought before that he was a burden to me so he pushed me away. I made him realize that I don't feel it that way. All I did was to understand, love, love, and love him and I saw changes. I invested so much on self love that's why I think I can help him more because I have so much love in myself that I can share to him. I didn't let his depression consumed me.
Your point about everybody experiencing the world differently is a concept I think many people need to be reminded about. It’s spoke to me because I was born blind.
Thank you for watching and commenting. I agree, we need to be more aware, and not assume that other people are living the same felt sense experience that we are.
Thank you so much! Besides wanting to fix things, I have also been so caught up in myself, on how unloved I feel because of how distant he is. It makes me feel so guilty to put him through this while depressed. He has mentioned that I make him feel like nothing he does is enough.
I totally relate to this. It get's to the point where you are happier in your alone time, because you don't have to feel that rejection then. Also there isn't really a time where he feels better or motivated in life and when He talks about friends he behaves differently. It feels like I am just useless and cant help him to get motivated to do fun Things
I am 19 years old I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship at 15 and eventually left because I was so depressed and I couldn’t do it anymore, I moved, met this girl who is the most amazing thing in this entire world, I can’t trust her or believe anything she says for absolutely no reason, sometimes I get mad that she doesn’t come to me with any of her problems because I’m always needing support, it’s awful. It makes me feel absolutely terrible, she is too good to me, it’s depressing that there’s a guide book on simply just how to love someone, I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with me day in and day out, she’s so bright and sunny and I just don’t want to make her forget who she is. Often why I push her away. It hurts watching videos like this and seeing all the extra steps needed just to love someone
I understand this😢 We were happy couple but it was so hard when he was experiencing depression and started to ignore me like I was nothing 😢 It's still so hard to believe in this ending even after two years, decided to separate because my mental health became so bad at that time, I was so drained in silence and darkness just tried to figure out what happened 😢
My girlfriend and I have been together for roughly 6 months, but we had dated 3 years ago in high school and it’s the most raw, loving relationship I’ve ever been in. She’s clinically depressed and has been having the toughest time in her life. She wants to temporarily end our relationship while she navigates and heals, and I don’t want to obviously. She wants us to be together, but doesn’t have the emotional capability to be the girlfriend she believes I want, but I love her even now. She says she just can’t handle continuing to hurt me, but I’ve learned a lot the past couple months, and even in the last few days I’ve learned even more. I just want to help her, and she wants me to be her friend. This video has helped me incredibly. I’m trying to let go of that need to fix her, and just trying to be present. I love her so much.
@@anjalymalayil415 we broke up unfortunately. It’s been excruciating, and it feels like apart of me left with her. I’m trying to get better though, day but day.
thank you so much this changed my whole view. you helped me realize that i first wanted to help fix and make my partners depession go away because it made me have anxiety. but this has nothing to do with me and watching this made that feeling lift off of my shoulders. i now know how to proceed and that im not the one to fix this,, but to support him and be there to cheer him on as he overcomes it himself. thank you so much
I'm so glad to have come across your vids on depressed partners. Mine just pushed me away shortly before we made things official. I'm doing everything I can not to press them while they've stepped away, but the suddenness of it has absolutely thrown me offguard.
I needed this, I felt angry and uncomfortable that my husband is depressed rn and I wanted to fix it. I’ve just been silent but, this put me in the right head space to do my best to support him the way he does for me. I have so much work to do, thank you.
Thanks, i needed it... My girlfriend is going through depression, she suffered it for years, and i felt helpless, overwhelmed, especially when I try to help, and in response i got her to be passive aggressive with me, and more closed towards dialogueing with me, now I see why, it's all about me, i have to step back, and listen, just stay there and not try to fix something i can never fix...
This was a terrific video. Could you please made another video in the future giving us some examples of how we can word our questions when being present, listening and being curious to learn about their perspectives? Thank you so much.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this video. At this time I'm shifting the focus of my coaching practice away from depression and working primarily with clients recovering from divorce. I've made this shift in response to the needs of my clients and the goals I have for my practice. For now I'm not producing any new videos that focus on supporting a partner who deals with depression. However, I do continue to work with a small number of private clients in this area. In that work we address the specifics of how to apply the practice of being present to your particular relationship and we also work together to overcome any challenges or resistance you're experiencing along the way. There are a lot of finer details that vary greatly depending on the specifics of your relationship, which is why many of my videos offer a higher level overview. If you are interested in getting more focused support and advice, I would love to discuss the possibility of working together. You can schedule a free consultation with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or reach out to me by email rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Ok, but depression is NOT a neutral experience for the partner. Having a depressed partner is a very painful, draining experience that's made worse being told you can't do anything to help. But you're supposed to just sit there, smiling, while all the burdens of life are piled on, your partner hurls emotional abuse, you have a romantic relationship that is a black hole that consumes your very soul as long as you're in it.
Please don't paint depressed people as emotionally abusive partners. That may be the case for some, but depression has nothing to do with that. A person who is emotionally abusive will still be emotionally abusive with OR without depression.
If you’re experiencing emotional abuse then you need to point it out to your partner and set boundaries so that you are not. *That is a personal issue not a depression issue.* Them being depressed does not give them a free pass to be an abuser. I hope that is not what you took from this video & that you and your partner are able to get the help you need even if it has to be done separately.
Not necessarily. I have been going through a terrible anxiety attack a whole night once, and my partner hasn't even known. I've been trying to keep him out of this for years. I have said that he deserves better and is always free to go, if he thinks it is better for him. The thing is, you cannot say certain things like "I really want you to be happy. I have depression, and I have no idea when and if it will get better. I love you and I would like to be with you, but it hurts me to hurt you." Many people look at these words as a "manipulation", when, in fact, it is the most honest thing you can do in the circumstances.
I'm so glad that I found your videos. My boyfriend just revealed to me how he's been feeling. I'm not trying to solve it, but the pandemic didn't help. Everything that he loved doing just stopped, his business actually took off, but because of that he stopped having time to play his guitar & not being able to go to his regular haunts meant he had tons of time on his hands so he joined two groups that take away all of his free time, there again...not giving him time to play his guitar & work on his music & I've just been here going with the flow. He & I don't live together but here he is kind of making me sound like I'm part of the problem, then saying...it has nothing to do with me. I just got a new & awesome job and I'm spending a lot of time working on that, I put myself on a diet, doing my best on my own to work on me & now realizing that I just need more of that. Support him, but focus on me. Thank you.
"Support him, but focus on me"! YES! I love it, Michelle, and congrats on the new and awesome job! It might help to realize that it is really normal for him to make it sound like you're part of the problem (he may even believe that). Here's the thing - he isn't a reliable analyst of the causes of his feelings. When you feel depressed, it is awful. Scary. Painful. The brain searches for answers, and all too often it settles on the people we love. That feels better than blaming ourselves, and it also feels hopeful - if I can just convince you to see how your behavior is hurting me, I can get you to change it and then I'll feel better!! But it doesn't ever work... because your behavior isn't causing his emotional pain. It isn't just depression that does this. So many of us get caught in this illusion, and spend all of our energy trying to change our partners so we can feel happier. The truth is that we are the only ones who can effectively and reliably manage our emotional experiences. And at the core of managing our emotions is cultivating the ability to accept negative and uncomfortable feelings. He's wrong that you're part of the problem... but it's also okay that he thinks that. You don't have to take it personally or make it mean anything about you. It's just his brain trying to find solutions to emotions that he isn't able to accept or process right now. Stick with it! Doing the work on your own emotional health is ALWAYS worth it.💛💛
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach hello I'm so glad I found your video.. this exactly what I needed. My boyfriend is going through depression and I'm helpless especially because we are in a LDR and I can't even tell whether he is okay or not cos he is not talking to me and wouldn't even answer his calls... sometimes I don't know the right things to say and I feel like everything I say is wrong. He said the therapy isn't helping and he doesn't want to take the medication that is prescribed because he doesn't want to get hooked on it.. workouts help but only for a short period of time..I'm really confused and don't know what to do..
I'm with my boyfriend almost 3 years... he's suffering a lot. He has very deep depression and he left his job 3 years ago and didnt do anything since then. He stoped living i can say. Left so many friends behind, all day siting at home or going out just for a moment but that's IT. I was trying to help him, i was loking for some therapy even for bouth of us, talking a lot and trying to understand his perspective because its valid. He was very thankful for that, but for now he changed. Now im only hearing that i dont care about him or just dont understand and not trying to change that. That he feels lonely and cant deal with me or my life. For example when something bad or stressful happen im my life he can see that even if im trying to hide IT and then ge gets more stressed beacuse of that. Its very hard because i have one year of my uni left and i dont know what to do. I feel exausted and useless. He's never happy with who i am and what i'm doing. Even smallest things can make him very angry and its always my fault. He doesnt want to go to the specialist at all and says that he doesnt know how long he will be in that state. Im afraid. Yesterday i talked with him about that, that im so stressed about his well being beacuse i can see that once he's feeling better every little thing can ruin that and in this kind of situation a specialist is more that need. I feel guilty about that, about saying all that stuff, but I see how fragile is his mind. He somehow didnt want to fight for himself anymore and i dont know if i can take this. Its been so long like that. We cant live normally. Am i horrible person that i talked about that with him? I asked him to think about his therapy and if he can handle our relationship because i dont want to cause more problems for him. I want to support him but its getting more and more difficult when he's saying that often im a problem and that i cant give him what he needs. Im scared that when he'll reaches me out IT will be over for US. I dont want him to be alone, but i dont have that much power anymore to fight with his demons by myself. Im not the solution but he thinks that i can solve somehow everything for him, like im the answer. I know IT sounds hursh but i was doing everything i could for 3 years, he was desapered for months, didnt talki with me, he cant sleep at all, doesnt eat, but i can see that recently he gain a little weigt so im very proud. He's very mean often and gets sooo angry. Im not feeling safe im emotional way. I love him deeply but i need from him a sign that he also cares about me and our relationship. i feel that im doing everything wron and i have so many thouts i cant handle. Im afraid that i became ill also. Sorry for my bad language but i tried 😅
I'm so sorry that you're in such a painful place right now. What you're dealing with is stressful and can be really traumatic as well. Carly, please get support for yourself. Whether that's finding a therapist, a coach or something else, you need to prioritize taking care of your mental and emotional well being. You cannot help him if you are not feeling safe emotionally yourself. I know how hard this is. I've been there too, in moments where I couldn't stop crying and I felt like I was going to lose MY mind. And I know how hard it is to prioritize taking care of yourself... but it is absolutely critical that you do. You deserve support right now, and you're going to have to be the one to ask for it. If you're not sure where to start, here are a few options: Therapists: www.psychologytoday.com/us members.iceeft.com/member-search.php The second link is for EFT therapists - they are my personal favorite for helping with relationships and trauma. Coaching: I have a coaching program that may be a good fit. You can read about it here. The top of the page also has more resources you might find helpful: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom Low Cost Powerful Support This is an amazing group that combines support with self guided trainings to help you recover emotionally from trauma. It sounds like you're experiencing some traumatic impacts from the constant emotional stress and lack of safety over the last 3 years. This program might be a good resource. Just so you know, I don't have any relationship with this program and I don't gain anything for referring people to it. I just think it is important work that they do really well and they are providing it at a really affordable rate (I think it's $99/month). www.mendingtrauma.com/
This was the most helpful video i ever watched about this topic. Thank you. Thank you so so much. I can't even express how much the realisation this video brought me has changed my perception of my situation and how thankful I am for that
I understand your point in this video, but there's still so much more behind it. I will ask him to talk to me, and he'll just shrug and go back to sleep. But, I finally did get him to tell me what was going on, it took months, and he has it engrained in his head that if he talks about stress or depression that it just makes him seem weak, or like he's just burdening me. Which I tell him the opposite is true, but it doesn't make him stop believing himself. And then there's the stress of trying to carry the family. He will go days without getting out of bed, and when his kids visit it's my job to take care of them. I pay all the bills, I do all the shopping and cooking, and all the chores (which he never bothers to concern himself with.) And it's to the point where I can't even get him to help with any of it because now he's more depressed because he lost his job because of it. I'm just tired...
Thank you so much. This is the best video I've watched so far. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and he suddenly had depression. We were already talking about marriage but he suddenly felt not sure about me anymore and the future. It hurt so bad I just want to let go but I realised he had depression and so I'm here learning what to do. I hope you see my comment and create a video about this topic for those who are still in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I have so many questions if he will change or if the depression will never go away. I love him so much and I'm happy loving him even through this time but of course I'm still hoping for him to go back. Is it possible? Hope you can address these stuff on one of your videos. Lots of love to your channel ❤
I'd just like to advise you to speak with a therapist. There are a couple of hard decisions to make, and a clinician is the right kind of person to help clarify them for you. And if you do decide to stay together, you need your own, outside support. Depression is vampiric. You'll need to learn more about healthy boundaries than you've ever dreamed. I say this as "the depressed one" in a failed 13 year marriage who was constantly trying to get better and help my spouse understand what I needed and all I received was disdain and shame.
You are saving my sanity. All that you have described is exactly what I am experiencing with my depressed partner. Great advice which I embrace and will follow. Thank you, Rachael!
Wow, i keep rewatching this video because it helps me to remind myself that i cannot fix it, i can only be there for him & to work on myself in the meantime.
I am so glad that this video is helping. It is really easy to get stuck in the "fix him!" mindset, mostly because it gives us something to do and keeps us from feeling helpless. But it also keeps us from connecting, which ultimately is what we want and what our partners need. It sounds simple... but keeping yourself mentally and emotionally healthy throughout this journey is not an easy task. I'm launching a community coaching project in September that is geared toward supporting people like you (and me!) as we do this work. If this video has been helpful for you, the group might be a good fit. Connecting with people who get what you're going through and having a safe place to work through some of your specific challenges can make it more manageable. Here are the details: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom Thank you for your comment, and I'm thrilled that this video has been helpful. What you're navigating is messy and challenging. Be gentle with yourself. The way through is loving yourself first, and then loving him.
I have a partner who recently began his decent into a major depressive episode I believe was first triggered by the decline of his step dad's health around the time he got back from a Christmas vacation he took during the last week of December. Since then, on top of the dad's hospital visit and surgery that left his dad in a wheelchair, he's experienced the loss of 2 family members to terminal illness, and then the sudden loss of a 3rd family member as well as the sudden loss of a friend he had irl to a car crash. Another family member of his is on the decline too, all of this within the span of just the past two months. Ever since it's started and then gotten worse, he's been distancing from me more and more instead of coming to me for support like he used to in the past, and it freaking hurts. He's never been open to therapy, and the best I could get him to do with this is to promise he would at least think about it, and I haven't pressed the issue since. Two full years together have passed for us on December 16th, despite the fact that ours is a LDR. He hasn't suggested or even talked about breaking up at all, but at the same time I can no longer feel the love he used to have for me since he no longer shows me love, and he never says he loves me first anymore. When he does say he loves me back, it's always with "Love you too" as if he doesn't mean it anymore, and even then he hardly actually says it back lately...yet when his depression first started he told me to remember that he loved me before he took time away from being online for about a week. Ever since he got back he's been like this, and empty shell of himself that won't let me in to hold him anymore. I'm trying so hard to remember his words, but without reassurance from him that we'll still be okay, I almost can't handle it. After seeing this video...I wonder if this is an example of that "your own emotional drama" you mentioned...because it does feel pretty selfish...but I just want to help him so bad, and I don't understand why he suddenly shifted from coming to me for support in the past to distancing himself instead. Please, what is your advice on this situation? How can I be there for him without smothering him? When I asked him about what the best way to support him would be, he said he didn't even know the answer himself. Is all of this just the result of what he's going through?
Thank you for sharing your story. This is such a difficult place, for both of you. I know how hard it is to want to help SO badly, and how stressful it is when he doesn't know what it is he needs either. He has experienced a lot of events that trigger grief and possibly even trauma responses. Those powerful and often overwhelming emotions can lead to significant behavioral changes. Your first task is to take care of you and make sure that you are processing your emotions and regulating your own internal narrative. That will give you the clarity you need to look at the relationship from the outside and see what is possible as far as supporting him goes. This page has a list of free resources you may find helpful: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom If you scroll down it also details a coaching program I offer for people in your situation. If you read through and think it might be a good fit you can book a free consultation with me to discuss the best next steps for you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I wanted to let you know that things are looking a little more up. I finally managed to catch him online and in a decent enough mood to sit down and just.../really/ and compassionately ask him again what he thinks he needs from me right now. He ended up telling me that he just needed more space right now to process his emotions and work through everything in his own way. He told me that initially, he felt afraid to say anything because he thought I would take it the wrong way, and admitted that I was making him feel a little too stuffy for comfort by reminding him too much that I loved him and that I was there for him, and that he really just needs for our relationship to be more casual for now too, rather than romantic to a point where he just emotionally can't keep up with it. So we're going to try no contact space with weekly check ins on the weekends and see how things go from there. He also has an alternate way to contact me too, in case he needs me sooner than the weekend some weeks. I think...the most despairing thing about this situation was simply not knowing which direction to go in to best support him as his partner. It drove me crazy and was destroying me trying to read his mind and intentions just based on what I saw on the few occasions he did have an exchange of any kind with me. So if you make the situation too stuffy by loving them too much, it seems they're more inclined to push you away. I'll keep you updated on how this unfolds if you like, in case my experience could maybe helps others going through similar things in a LDR. Since you took interest in my story, maybe it'll help you advise others too since LDRs are a pretty big grey area as far as longevity and very limited advice that's out there. Thank you for reading my comment and dropping a little bit of your advice for me. I definitely want to follow up with a strategy meeting to come up with a strategy to work on myself while my partner is taking his space. This way, when we talk again maybe I can be more of a better person and a better support for him too through all this. I actually have one scheduled with you soon 😌
@@404unknown6 I cannot tell you how proud I am of you for having that conversation. It is not easy to set aside your own fears and assumptions and be genuinely curious about what your partner is experiencing and what they need in the moment. And thank you so much for sharing your story here. I do think other viewers will find it helpful to read and learn from your experiences. Please keep us updated! I look forward to speaking with you soon, and I hope I can support you as you continue to navigate this relationship with your partner.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Another update for you, it turns out that he clarified that no contact space wasn't actually something he wanted, and in fact it was exactly the way he was afraid I would take his request...because me not being around at all wasn't really what he meant in the end. He just wants space in the sense to be able to come and go as he pleases without me trying to be affectionate or bombarding him with constant reminders like I mentioned in the previous comment. Because he just doesn't feel loving or affectionate right now with everything going on, he just emotionally can't right now and he said it makes him feel bad when he can't. What he wants is for me to still be around, but for our conversations and exchanges to be more casual for a while until he works through some of this. So instead of taking no contact space "for him" per say...I decided to take a few days anyway for my own well-being anyway to try and work on myself and get my own emotions under control. This way, I can do this better and be more casual for him. I'm going to be asking you for steps more tailored to my specific emotional situation to take during our strategy call, but for the viewers here...do you have any advice for how to resist the urge to try and be close to your depressed partner when they don't want or need that right now? When I go back from my break, I'm afraid I might have a hard time with going from passionate and romantic to casually romantic. So the urge to want to be close and affectionate with him will be hard for me to resist, and maybe others struggle with the same urges when their depressed partners don't want it, while also still being able to support them.
@404Unknown Wow this is EXACTLY what’s going on with my relationship too! I can’t believe how similar it is to my situation. I still don’t know if I should stop contacting him for a while like you did. He says I should focus on myself too without worrying too much about him. Ofc I wouldn’t just leave him when he’s at his lowest rn or else I might regret it later. But loving someone without expectations is so hard. most days I feel stupid, unloved, and taken for granted ..then some days id be okay & hopeful he’s going to be okay too. It’s a vicious cycle . it’s even harder for me because we live 2 hours away from each other. The last time I saw him was almost 2 months ago and I don’t think he’ll come to see me anytime soon. He has completely stopped calling me, would only send me one or two texts a day.. it’s so frustrating to have to wait for him to reply… there’s been a communication gap between us which makes the only communication we have via text, even more uninteresting. no more goodmorning & goodnight texts. Nor does he say “I love you” anymore. It’s a roller coaster ride. I’m trying to focus on myself too while I’m still holding on to this relationship, I wanna patient, supportive and understanding but also, no one knows when things will be okay again between us.. it’s just… so hard to get stuck in this situation.! I’m growing tired of waiting for him to be okay again. I hope you’re doing well… I have so many questions to ask you 🥲
I wish someone showed me this video a year ago. Now when we are separated I have learned it hard way how much I didn't understand my wife, her needs and myself. Thank you.
What do you do if your partners depression comes out in the form of anger, and they are verbally abusive basically mean to you. Do you just stay out of your own head and listen?
I’m right there with you. It’s an absolutely ridiculous idea to shame people for wanting to fix the depression because of how WE feel. We are allowed to feel, too. Many of us have been neglected and mistreated and absolutely in no way deserve to be guilt tripped because we want the depression out of our lives. My depression husband is a dick.
They wont hang out or let me come over.. be depressed but lets be together… frankly easier i think if we lived together then I can see n not have to ask!
this video worked pretty well to explain things for why my ex-wife was depressed and she did everything trying to change me into something I am not, all the while I was trying to help her by going to therapy, going out for walks with her and so on. She was trying to figure out things about herself but in the end she was just too messed up for her and she lashed the frustration to me when I did not experience things like she did. For example when discussing I see speech bubbles, like in comics, in my mind and I piece together a sentence like that to make it mean something and not just spout noise out to fill the silence. She took that as that I try to come up with excuse when all I was just doing it thinking, maybe little too long for her liking but I was not just there sitting giving her the silent treatment. Just like what you said that when I tried to share my experiences she would lash out in anger to me, and if I tried talking about anything that would interest me she would just be angry and not interested
I'm really sorry that you and your ex wife went through so much. It sounds like there was a lot of pain and misunderstanding between you. How are you doing now?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hey Rachael, I am doing lot better now, thank you for asking. Its still really fresh so I am still at very start of the new journey, even thought it feels like it has been months... I was not the one who wanted divorce, I hanged onto it with tooth and nail to the very last minute. But I have come to realize that it was the right decision. I loved her, and still do, but in the end she was very selfish as a person and for every thing I changed and did my best to be better person for her, she would stay the same and/or even get more selfish and mean towards me. I supported her in her want to go back to school, I supported her hobbies and her work even when it took majority of her day (9am to 11pm most days), but for my hobbies I would not get any support and she would call them stupid and that I waste my time doing something I liked. And no, I was not some superman, I had problems too, I was also the problem in the relationship, I am not trying to be victim here that has zero responsibilities or that I am innocent. I tried my best and at points I could have been better, I should have been better. But everything I did was not good enough. It still hurts, but it also feels like that I can allow myself to be myself and that makes me happy :)
@@Graavigala85 I'm so glad that you're learning to allow yourself to be yourself. That's a wonderful place to be. Thank you for sharing some of your story here, I think it will help other people who can relate and also take some encouragement from the positive things you are doing for yourself now.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hope this helps. My writing was all over the place and my brain is like pinball bouncing all over the place trying to make sense of this whole situation still :) but things will get better, slowly but surely sun will shine :)
Thank you! I will do this. I will just love her and enjoy it. That's so easy to do because even though she's depressed and pushes me away sometimes, still, she's such a beautiful person and so easy to love.
This video seems like it was made for me! I’m so tired of living with someone depressed. Sometimes I can’t keep myself calm and the anxiety gets out of control. I hate it
If it helps the curiosity... I used to work primarily with people with depressed partners. My husband has struggled with depression at various points in our marriage, and managing my own reaction to that was a big part of what brought me into coaching in the first place. However, I started working with more and more men, kind of by chance, and I realized what a huge hole there is - there are so few resources for men going through divorce, and so many of these men are literally dying by suicide because they feel so isolated and desperate. So I shifted my focus and have spent the last 2 1/2 years working with men and learning how to support them in the process of healing from divorce. Kind of an odd shift, for sure! But the work has been incredibly inspiring and rewarding. I get quite a few folks who find my older depressed partner videos helpful, so I've left them up even though I don't offer programs around that anymore. Thanks for watching!
Hi Rachael, today my boyfriend break up with me because of his depression. He pushed me away. He said he can't give me happiness in my life I deserve to have someone else better then him. We been together almost 5 years. Now I feel very hurt. I love him so much,Please give me some advice what should I do?
I met my girlfriend 1 week before her son was murdered. He was 20 yrs old. I'm 45 , she's 44. It's a new relationship, only 5 months. The first couple months I was there for her and listened to her, but now in the 5th month, she is pushing me away, not returning my text, and has stated to me she can't give me any attention, or anything relationship wise. She wants to spend her time with her other 2 sons 5 and 13, and focus on that. I told her I respect that , and will be there when she needs me. I just feel depressed about the whole thing, I want to spend time with them but she has no interest in that, and I respect that. Just feels like we will break up soon, we hardly talk on the phone and text . I know I can't fix the situation, just want to listen, but she's not letting me in. I will probably back off but seems like it will be the end. :(
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I put together a pretty comprehensive list of resources that might help, you find them on this page: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I’m clinically depressed and trying to stay afloat myself and now my bf is depressed and is pushing me away and sending sporadic texts. He’s in the military and though we have a home on base and in the middle of fixing it up, currently we are 6 hours away from each other. It is very draining for me as I have my own mental health problems and trying to support him whilst he has shut down and is not supporting me. I have decided to detach myself from him and his current state to protect MY mental health. He needs to reach out to me first when he is ready. My assignment is to water me and improve my mental health now.
I’m beyond the point of getting in to a relationship with someone depressed, people don’t know half the battles I fight. If I can overcome it so can my partner. They’re living in the past.
My partner is depressed because I made her feel unnoticed and neglected. I am the cause, I don't know how to undo the pain and make her happy and love me again, I'm petrified
What should you do if, when you yourself were going through a hard time with your own mental health, they threatened to leave unless you changed. So you DID change, did years of hard work, only for the person to blame you for them suddenly becoming miserable and unhappy and they blame you for everything even their alcoholism? I have put every ounce of effort anyone possibly could while having as many health issues as I do. I’ve tried being curious and learning our differences but all I get is “I don’t know I don’t know, talking with you sucks I don’t want your help” and it’s breaking my soul on a deep level
I hear you, I cant just choose to "be happy" when, for example, theyre depressed but not usually going through depression and having sudden health changes. Is this video for someone with diagnosed long term depression?
So…..if my partner and I have been chatting for 2/3 weeks straight and then suddenly stops I should just leave him alone & let him come to me when he’s ready? What if he doesn’t? Is it ok to reach out to him?
I see some good advice here, but what about when there are kids involved and you don’t want them to see you and your spouse “sitting” in the depression? I think it can be a bad example to set for them. How do you deal with that?
I am the depressed partner. I’m listening to try and find out how to help them see me. Been in therapy for over ten years and have sensitivity medication.
Thank you for your advise. I got 5 yrs relationship & we were very happy together & suddenly he wanted to break up & isolated himself. He kept saying I'm wonderful & he's bad hurting me & asked me give hime some time. I was so confused, was hurt badly but after 3 months now I feel much better but feeling up & down some time. However i still love him & will take your advise on loving myself & enjoy my love with him. Hope this works & we can be back to our happiness again as we used to.
I’m going through for a this situation , my boyfriend is depressed and I love him so much I want to be there for him, we had a little argument the other day and he push me away , he told me that he is too depressed for a relationship , that he needs and want to be alone , that he don’t want to see or hear from me that he just need to be alone , what can I do , I won’t give up of him , I love him with all my heart and my soul and if god wants in a month I’ll be there for him in his country , can you give me some phrases I can say to him to calm the situation , I know he is so depressed I need help please I don’t want to loose him
The problem is there are things associated with depression like laziness, emotional outbursts, accusations and such that it isn’t just feelings, it goes to quality of life and really a one way street relationship. Not to mention we have children to consider. I’ve basically detached myself emotionally from my wife and just let her be, not trying to solve anything for her. Sometimes when I take Delta 8 I can become very in tune to other and I can get a glimpse which helps me.
Thank you for sharing that-it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and it’s understandable to feel guilt when someone close is so supportive. It’s important to remember that depression is an illness, and feeling this way isn’t your fault. Your husband’s support shows he genuinely cares, and accepting that support is part of your healing journey. Prayer and medication are meaningful steps, and being open about your feelings can be a relief for both of you. If you're ever interested in exploring more ways to manage these feelings together, I offer resources in my free masterclass that might be helpful: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register. Wishing you strength and healing-you’re not alone in this.
I don' t want to fix him. That's his job, and he's trying. I don't assume our minds are percieving the same way- I learned long ago that fallacy. What I want to know is HOW DO I GET HIM TO TELL ME WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING???? He does this shut down and stew instead of letting it out. He knows I'm safe, that my love isn't conditional, and I am trained in how to just listen and hold space. I want to know how to get him to LET me be there for him. And yes, sometimes I'm resentful because I wind up doing all the chores, including the literally 2 of them he was willing to agree to. But I can't make him feel bad that he's not doing them bc he's got enough to deal with...So I wind up overwhelmed by the physicality of the fallout of his depression.Yeah, that sucks, but I promise you its peanuts compared to raising my parents and siblings .
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and honest experience. It’s clear that you love and care deeply for your partner, and it’s understandable to feel frustrated when you want to help but don’t know how. Many people struggling with depression have difficulty expressing their needs, and it can feel like an emotional barrier that’s hard to break through. It sounds like you’re already doing a great job of holding space and being there for him, but it’s also important to communicate openly with him about how this dynamic affects you as well. Sometimes, gently asking questions like, ‘How can I support you today?’ or ‘What would make things easier for you right now?’ can encourage him to open up. It’s also perfectly okay to set healthy boundaries around your own well-being and the tasks you’re taking on. You deserve to feel supported, too. If you’d like more guidance on how to navigate these complex emotional dynamics and find ways to protect your own mental health while supporting your partner, I invite you to join my free masterclass. It provides valuable strategies to help you find balance and peace while managing these challenges. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s something to be proud of. 💙
I Came here looking to help my partner understand how to help me deal with depression....but ended up realising so many ways I was going wrong in my relationship.... me Nd my partner are on such different planes in life that it seems like I am all alone even though we are married... but I ve been isolating my partner too by not being open to his reality map...I am going to try to be more open Nd listen better....thank you...love Nd light 💕🌸
We are in relationship since one year my boyfriend used to treat me as a queen..but he went to doctor.. he has so many problems like depression, anxiety , lungs and liver disease his family is very very very toxic they came to know about our relationship and torturing him mentally and physically..he has no money now because his all savings are wasted , his family doesn't even give me a single rupees ..he is very upset now.. most of the time he is irritated and angry..I can't handle him but I can't leave him because I love him so much..we used to be the happiest but now everything is getting worst day by day..I don't know what should I do how can i help him..and I miss the soft old him badly.. please pray for him and our relationship..may everything will be good as before..he love me as he did and he get well soon .. please pray for us please ❤️and give me any suggestions if you want
Idk what you meant by it, but imo calling the non-depressed partners feelings "emotional drama" serverly downplays that they are real, valid emotions. I was left feeling bad after watching this video. I dont believe my concerns over my partners sudden weight loss, strong suicidal ideation, and accrewing of debt because of depression constitutes as emotional drama, but are real problems that would realistically affect the both of us. Maybe this says more abt me than the actual quality of the video, as it really seems to have helped other people, but i wish there was more outward compassion towards the non-depressed partner shown in this video. As it is now, the video seemed a bit callous to the hurt the non-depressed person experiences.
Hi . My partner just broke up with me because he got depressed again . But she used to talk me everday . When i reduced to care her she used to talk more and tell everything . But suddenly she tried to push me away . Some times when i asked about her she tells you don't care . Just look after your work . I don't know what should i do. And now she is telling she is not her older version anymore . She tries to show that she is so rude she is so harsh and mean . What should i do now ?
On one hand I understand that it's up to a professional to fix me but I don't understand why people (like my ex) are like I don't know what to do. Helping to find a local dr on google maps, call and setup an appt are small steps that to me show the person cares and wants to help. And I say this only because when we are feeling so run down with zero energy absolutely everything feels difficult. I think I would have appreciated at least her listening to me but I didn't even get that from her... she never sat down and said hey you're not well, tell me what's going on much less give me a single heartfelt hug and tell me it was going to be ok. To me she was indifferent and didn't even care about me. I am not putting the blame on her and saying she needed to fix me but when you're literally living together who else would notice and offer some help? She recently left me after 8 yrs. 😢
Hi Mark, thanks for watching, I'm glad you like my videos. I'd love to help support you as you and your wife navigate her experience of depression. The best thing to do is for us to talk, so you can tell me more about what you need and we can decide together if working with me is a good fit for your situation. You can book a consultation with me directly through my calendar here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or you can email me to schedule a time to talk: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Will all honestly, I feel it is very difficult to accept that their feelings cannot change. You feel guilt if you feel good but they can´t. When there is so many lovely things in life they cannot enjoy, how can you enjoy if you see your partner suffering? I find a hard time just to accept they are sad, no matter what?
My husband passed away and i miss him every day, its been 2 years and i still miss him i cry too,but i know im going to be ok , because i have God. Only I met this guy , and he is smitten with me and its hard to be in a relationship with, but he is so sweet and where im going with this is ,hes depressed daily ,he tells me hes sorry hes not a good boyfriend and tells me He Loves Me and we havent made love yet, i prefer it that way. He is so broken and haven't the heart to tell him to go. You see i never had this much attention from my late husband of 48 years ,he was depressed and suicidal. Am I being selfish? I know my boyfriend asks me if i want him in his life , because he knows hes depressed and i say yes , when i should tell the true and let him go, but its so hard.😢
I am so sorry I only found out about this video now. It’s too late for me. I was useless to my partner and caught up in my own drama I made his torment worse.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I feel guilty and sad. I feel I let him down. There were times where I succeeded at being there for him by not doing anything and reaching out freely in a nondemanding way. He let me know that was what he needed everytime I did that. It was just hit or miss for me because I thought he was simply going through tough times as he still functioned relatively well. I now realize he is severely depressed and traumatized. When he came over to have THAT chat, he said he was numb to all feelings including his children which he adores. That is when I finally clued in.
Alright, I understood the video Rachael. And I thank you for it. There is still a question though. You say it yourself between minute 07:56-08:10. That counts for both parts of the relationship. So how can I ASSIST in some kind of way that my partner recognizes this, preferable her-/himself?! I can listen for years, but I know one can stuck in its bubble a lifetime without recognizing.
In my experience it's coming from past trauma and most of the time something happened to them that they had no control over. But it happened and it changed how we deal with other people and also our minds don't shut off. We are constantly trying to prevent anything negative coming our way.
But may I know how to be strong while dealing with such partner?? Because I think that I have reached a point where I am completely exhaust.. I don't have any energy left in me to deal with his tantrums. I fear for myself getting into depression while supporting a depressed partner.
Hi Nikita, It is so important to take care of yourself. Sometimes that means taking a step back or even taking some time apart from your partner. This page has some resources that might help, especially the first two exercises. They are amazing for helping you manage your own emotions as they come up and not getting so burned out: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
Hello Rachael, this guide is very nice, currently I'm going through a similar problem, my partner is going through a depression phase. She kept withdrawal, i feels so helpless. And we are LDR. May I ask you to make a guide or something like that about how to support depressed partner when both of us LDR? Thank you in advance
Hi, and thanks! I'm glad this is has been helpful. Being in a long distance relationship is often challenging, and even more so when your partner pushes you away or is struggling with depression. Yes, I can make a video discussing ways to support them from a distance. There are 1. Make a contact schedule and stick to it. Reaching out consistently is important. But there are rules!! You are not allowed to send long emotional messages. If she is pushing you away, it means she is overwhelmed by how she feels. She doesn't have the energy to respond to you when you are seeking emotional validation (which totally sucks, but it is true. You have to get your emotional validation elsewhere when she doesn't feel good). Send a funny picture or video, a GIF or a short message. Give her an update ("started my new job today, feeling proud of myself!") or share something mundane from your day or tell her about something you saw that made you think of her ("Lilacs are blooming today, I know you love the way they smell. Made me think of you :)" ) No pressure. Don't ask for or expect a response. And don't send too many!! Make a schedule and stick with it. Maybe you allow yourself one message a day, or one every other day. If she responds, you're free to reply. If she doesn't, you stick to your schedule. The goal is to let her know you are still there and that you care without putting any pressure on her. 2. Ask your partner what they need/want. When your partner is NOT feeling depressed, have a conversation about the best ways to support them. Everyone is different, and things that work well for some of my clients supporting their partner's don't work with my husband when he feels depressed. When your partner is feeling good, gently bring up the topic and ask them directly what helps and what makes it worse. 3. Get serious about taking care of yourself. To support her you HAVE to be mentally calm and emotionally centered. If you aren't, you'll find yourself feeling anxious, needing her reassurance, worried, frustrated, resentful... and so on. That's not good for you and it isn't going to help your relationship. Self care means owning your emotions, taking the time to understand and work through your triggers and insecurities and cultivating meaningful relationships with friends and family, so that you have the emotional support you need when she isn't well enough to give it to you. I hope this is helpful. And I will put together a video about this too.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach it's kinda hard to not take it personally, but I hold it. May I know why does she ignoring me? And I mean I don't want her going through this alone
@@dewiefairy1002 it's really heartbreaking and confusing knowing that they don't even want to talk to us. I'm not sure why they have to be like this, ignoring/shut down us. At this point, they probably already forgetting us..
@@young-7495 how are you guys? I experienced what you experienced 2 months ago. And we are in LDR too. But I read Rachel's advice on LDR, and it's very helpful.
My wife has been on antidepressants for over 20 years. About a year ago she decided(by herself) to stop taking them… I didn’t know about it until last May. In July right after the biggest emotional PMS I have ever experienced she became a different person. It’s like I’m the one to blame for her unhappiness.. To top it all off she also has been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which also exacerbates things even more. I understand you mentioned to just listen to them etc but what do you say to someone that says they want divorce/separation or just move downstairs… I need help with this specific situation. I do stay quiet etc but it appears that she wants me to agree..
Is it to late to book a free strategy call with you? Im lost how to navigate or talk to my boyfriend who been dealing with depression for years. I just keep doing it worse. And i get why now because of your video
What if your partner is the cause of majority of your stresses and depression has now ensued? I'm not looking to my spouse for any kind of support he can't be counted on anyways
Depression is a weakness and poison which should be eradicated. I had depression myself but managed to overcome it by simple choice - to die as a looser or live as a winner, since then I have so much drive to live and fight to win that actually depression was a blessing which gave me purposes in live. Recently I left my partner with depression because she was weak and dragging me down also abusive and toxic towards me... Just to say for all in same situation - leave your depressed partners with no regret because they will ruin your life and the lifes of your kids.
I'm so sorry that you've struggled with depression yourself, and it sounds like this perspective you have towards depression has helped you to overcome it. I don't want to challenge it if it is working for you, however, for the other people who may read this I would like to express my opinion. Again, if this is working for you, don't worry about reading this comment. It is more for others who might come across it. That said, I do wonder if there is a tone of anger or resentment in your comment? It is hard to tell online :) If there is, then perhaps reading this will be useful for you as well. My opinion is that depression, like any other overwhelming emotional experience (including anxiety and bi-polar disorder) is a normal and natural response to stress, pain, challenge and frightening or intolerable situations. Like any emotional experience, it is often a defense mechanism and does serve a purpose in protecting us at some point of trauma or challenge in our lives. Unfortunately, we can get stuck in that defense, and what once protected us becomes a prison that threatens to overtake us. Because it is an emotional experience that is grounded in our survival instincts, depression occurs in both the body and the brain and is unique in each person it impacts. I'm thrilled that you have overcome it by will alone. For most people, it requires working through the physical sensations of the emotion and/or healing past traumatic experiences to release emotional triggers. Even then, there can be obstacles and unique components that keep your brain chemicals cycling through into depressive episodes. Your physiology learns to be depressed, and changing that can be complex, and is very rarely something that one can simply think or will away. It is not a weakness. As far as staying with a depressed partner or leaving them, that choice is always yours and yours alone. My personal experience (staying) has been that the challenges we face as a couple have given me incredible opportunities to learn and grow. I don't think I would have done the personal growth work for myself (and I wouldn't be a coach now) if it weren't for my husband and his experience of depression. I am a happier, healthier and more whole person, more emotionally resilient and capable of deeper empathy and love than I was before. Contrary to ruining my life, he has, in many, many ways, saved me from a life of mediocrity and ignorance about my own heart and mind.
Im the partner that has depression and got told this morning that me being quiet is making her feel like shes done something wrong. I have had depression for 17 years and today i can say i have no support system
When I was a kid my mom went to the restroom between class and church service and the back of her skirt got caught in her pantyhose. She had no idea! What was worse is that she never wears panties under her nylons! As she made her way down to our pew, very near the front row, she was her usual friendly self shaking hands with the elders and giving little waves to her friends. Just as she reached our pew an old lady very obviously pointed out her predicament. My mom just wanted to die! And we wanted to for her. But when church was over my mother held her head high and walked back up that aisle smiling and carrying on as if nothing had happened. She even made a point to shake the hands of those same elders looking them right in the eye. My mom is a real class act. But not only did she teach me how to hold my head up in the face of embarrassment I also learned to always check my dress tail in the mirror
Good for her! I was in a restaurant years ago and there was an elderly lady that walked out of the restroom and she had the same situation. I didn't know her but I ran behind her and told her what she had going on and she thanked me and thanked me. I never told the group of women I was with because I knew if I told them they would be staring at her. I did what my heart told me to do but looking back that was Jesus leading me.
Hello Rachel, I just watched your video. But I'm a bit confused about "the hardest thing is to do nothing". Currently my partner going through a depression phase and we are in LDR. She keeps ignoring me when I text her, checking on her and such.. She keeps ghosting me ON and OFF and it's been 3 months. So yeah about the " hardest thing is to do nothing" how does exactly? And if I do nothing what if she think I don't care anymore about her?
I apologize for the slow reply. How are things going with your partner now? LDR are especially challenging when your partner deals with depression. In person you can offer the gift of your physical presence, but long distance you simply can't do that most of the time. What I typically recommend is that you set a simple schedule for yourself. Decide how often you're going to reach out/check in etc. Maybe it's twice a week, maybe more, maybe less. You'll have to make that decision based on what feels right to you and on your knowledge of your partner. Then your task is to work on yourself. That starts with processing what you feel. When she ignores you, what happens? How do you feel? What does your brain make it mean about you and about her? The bulk of your work is not in supporting her in the right way(s), but rather in learning to manage your own mind and emotions. When you can do that successfully you'll find that you experience much less stress the "right" way to support her.
Im scared if i ask the wrong questions, my depressed partner will get annoyed at me and itll be an emotional disaster. What kinds of questiins are ok? Do i ask him whats ok to ask?
This is very shocking for me My partner is suffering from depression and all of our problems is that I am trying to fix and make the things better and he is telling me your help is simply by doing nothing and absolutely nothing just don’t do and watch and pray and wait and be silence and calm with me
I completely understand how challenging and frustrating it can be when you’re trying your best to help your partner, but feel like nothing is working. Depression can be incredibly difficult for both the person experiencing it and their loved ones. Your desire to fix things comes from a place of care, but sometimes, especially with depression, trying to “fix” things can feel overwhelming for your partner and may not be what they need at that moment. It sounds like your partner is asking for space and a more supportive presence rather than active intervention. Sometimes, being present without feeling the need to constantly solve everything is exactly what’s needed-listening, being calm, and simply being there can be incredibly healing. It’s also important to remember to care for yourself in the process, as emotional exhaustion can set in when you’re trying to support someone without boundaries. If you're feeling stuck and would like more guidance on how to support your partner in a way that doesn't drain you, I invite you to join my free masterclass, where I dive deeper into strategies for managing these complex emotions and setting healthy boundaries while still offering meaningful support. You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register You’re not alone in this journey, and there are ways to make it through without burning out. I’m here to help!
my gf bt she shuts off ...i have tried my best to get her to talk..i ask if theres a way to resolve .but she doesnt talk..i give her some space..but still she doesnt come through or open up..help wht to do..i really love this girl..but now it really hitting me
Hi Cyrus, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a painful situation. It's possible that talking is simply something she can't do right now, and it is also quite likely that she doesn't know how to resolve it, even if she wishes she does. It is not unusual for someone who feels depressed to also feel overwhelmed when they're asked what they need or how you can help them - she doesn't want to feel badly but she doesn't know how to feel better. This page has some resources that you might find useful - most of them are free and there are some great exercises for supporting your own emotional resilience: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom It also has information about a support group that is starting in February that will include weekly coaching from me and online trainings in emotional regulation, self love and relationship skills for people who love depressed partners. I hope the information helps a little.
This is really interesting advice. My partner has been dealing with depression for a few years and I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to shut up listen anymore and definitely don’t know how to do nothing. I wish I had the discipline for this but I know my relationship will end if I don’t change my view on this.
My gf keeps telling me she doesn't understand. Tells me to snap out of it and get it together, to be man and says she can't be in this kind of relationship. It's been a cycle. On and off. There for me and not there for me. I can't take it anymore! And she just told me again that we're over and she blocked me. I blame myself. And I'm the burden to her. I'm more worthless than before. I am overwhelmed with that including my own daughter's mental issues and my depression. I wish she was just there for me.
She broke up with me because she told me she’s not mentally right and she thinks about hurting herself she doesn’t want me in her life said she would only drag me down and doesn’t want to bleed on me
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I don’t want to fix him or his depression I just want to support him through this so he can heal in his own time.
He told me he feels unworthy and undeserving of love and happiness. He feels like he isn’t good enough for me, and I just want to help him feel worthy.
This video has really opened my mind, I have gone to my second session of therapy and now I have just been able to understand that I just have to be there for her no wonder she was pushing me away, I needed to stop looking to control everything and hear there wants and needs for once.
How are you 6 months later Rob?
Same here bro 😅
How are you 3 years in?
This is so helpful and yes, that's what I did and though he is not yet feeling better he still communicate and share things now with me because he felt not being judged, he felt being loved. He thought before that he was a burden to me so he pushed me away. I made him realize that I don't feel it that way. All I did was to understand, love, love, and love him and I saw changes. I invested so much on self love that's why I think I can help him more because I have so much love in myself that I can share to him. I didn't let his depression consumed me.
Good for you come back in 20 years.
Your point about everybody experiencing the world differently is a concept I think many people need to be reminded about. It’s spoke to me because I was born blind.
Thank you for watching and commenting. I agree, we need to be more aware, and not assume that other people are living the same felt sense experience that we are.
Thank you so much! Besides wanting to fix things, I have also been so caught up in myself, on how unloved I feel because of how distant he is. It makes me feel so guilty to put him through this while depressed. He has mentioned that I make him feel like nothing he does is enough.
Thank you for watching and commenting. Those are normal feelings, and I'm glad this video was a small step towards helping you work on them.
I totally relate to this. It get's to the point where you are happier in your alone time, because you don't have to feel that rejection then. Also there isn't really a time where he feels better or motivated in life and when He talks about friends he behaves differently. It feels like I am just useless and cant help him to get motivated to do fun Things
I am 19 years old I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship at 15 and eventually left because I was so depressed and I couldn’t do it anymore, I moved, met this girl who is the most amazing thing in this entire world, I can’t trust her or believe anything she says for absolutely no reason, sometimes I get mad that she doesn’t come to me with any of her problems because I’m always needing support, it’s awful. It makes me feel absolutely terrible, she is too good to me, it’s depressing that there’s a guide book on simply just how to love someone, I can only imagine how hard it is to deal with me day in and day out, she’s so bright and sunny and I just don’t want to make her forget who she is. Often why I push her away. It hurts watching videos like this and seeing all the extra steps needed just to love someone
Thank you. I wish their were more therapists like you, that call you out when you're wrong and hold you accountable. Thank you again
It’s hard because my partners depression is triggering mine. But this video was very insightful thank you ! Looking more inward
It is so hard. Thank you for watching, and I'm glad this helped!
I understand this😢 We were happy couple but it was so hard when he was experiencing depression and started to ignore me like I was nothing 😢 It's still so hard to believe in this ending even after two years, decided to separate because my mental health became so bad at that time, I was so drained in silence and darkness just tried to figure out what happened 😢
My girlfriend and I have been together for roughly 6 months, but we had dated 3 years ago in high school and it’s the most raw, loving relationship I’ve ever been in. She’s clinically depressed and has been having the toughest time in her life. She wants to temporarily end our relationship while she navigates and heals, and I don’t want to obviously. She wants us to be together, but doesn’t have the emotional capability to be the girlfriend she believes I want, but I love her even now. She says she just can’t handle continuing to hurt me, but I’ve learned a lot the past couple months, and even in the last few days I’ve learned even more. I just want to help her, and she wants me to be her friend. This video has helped me incredibly. I’m trying to let go of that need to fix her, and just trying to be present. I love her so much.
How are you know?
@@anjalymalayil415 we broke up unfortunately. It’s been excruciating, and it feels like apart of me left with her. I’m trying to get better though, day but day.
thank you so much this changed my whole view. you helped me realize that i first wanted to help fix and make my partners depession go away because it made me have anxiety. but this has nothing to do with me and watching this made that feeling lift off of my shoulders. i now know how to proceed and that im not the one to fix this,, but to support him and be there to cheer him on as he overcomes it himself. thank you so much
I'm so glad to have come across your vids on depressed partners. Mine just pushed me away shortly before we made things official. I'm doing everything I can not to press them while they've stepped away, but the suddenness of it has absolutely thrown me offguard.
I needed this, I felt angry and uncomfortable that my husband is depressed rn and I wanted to fix it. I’ve just been silent but, this put me in the right head space to do my best to support him the way he does for me. I have so much work to do, thank you.
Thanks, i needed it... My girlfriend is going through depression, she suffered it for years, and i felt helpless, overwhelmed, especially when I try to help, and in response i got her to be passive aggressive with me, and more closed towards dialogueing with me, now I see why, it's all about me, i have to step back, and listen, just stay there and not try to fix something i can never fix...
This was a terrific video. Could you please made another video in the future giving us some examples of how we can word our questions when being present, listening and being curious to learn about their perspectives? Thank you so much.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this video.
At this time I'm shifting the focus of my coaching practice away from depression and working primarily with clients recovering from divorce. I've made this shift in response to the needs of my clients and the goals I have for my practice. For now I'm not producing any new videos that focus on supporting a partner who deals with depression.
However, I do continue to work with a small number of private clients in this area. In that work we address the specifics of how to apply the practice of being present to your particular relationship and we also work together to overcome any challenges or resistance you're experiencing along the way. There are a lot of finer details that vary greatly depending on the specifics of your relationship, which is why many of my videos offer a higher level overview.
If you are interested in getting more focused support and advice, I would love to discuss the possibility of working together. You can schedule a free consultation with me here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or reach out to me by email rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Keeping this in my saved videos. 50 years and this is the best advice I have heard. It resonated so strongly. Thank you.
Ok, but depression is NOT a neutral experience for the partner. Having a depressed partner is a very painful, draining experience that's made worse being told you can't do anything to help.
But you're supposed to just sit there, smiling, while all the burdens of life are piled on, your partner hurls emotional abuse, you have a romantic relationship that is a black hole that consumes your very soul as long as you're in it.
Please don't paint depressed people as emotionally abusive partners. That may be the case for some, but depression has nothing to do with that. A person who is emotionally abusive will still be emotionally abusive with OR without depression.
Agreed
If you’re experiencing emotional abuse then you need to point it out to your partner and set boundaries so that you are not. *That is a personal issue not a depression issue.* Them being depressed does not give them a free pass to be an abuser. I hope that is not what you took from this video & that you and your partner are able to get the help you need even if it has to be done separately.
this is a weird ass take
Not necessarily. I have been going through a terrible anxiety attack a whole night once, and my partner hasn't even known.
I've been trying to keep him out of this for years.
I have said that he deserves better and is always free to go, if he thinks it is better for him.
The thing is, you cannot say certain things like "I really want you to be happy. I have depression, and I have no idea when and if it will get better. I love you and I would like to be with you, but it hurts me to hurt you." Many people look at these words as a "manipulation", when, in fact, it is the most honest thing you can do in the circumstances.
Literally in tears because this is an eye opener and I hate it but I need to hear it.
I'm so glad that I found your videos. My boyfriend just revealed to me how he's been feeling. I'm not trying to solve it, but the pandemic didn't help. Everything that he loved doing just stopped, his business actually took off, but because of that he stopped having time to play his guitar & not being able to go to his regular haunts meant he had tons of time on his hands so he joined two groups that take away all of his free time, there again...not giving him time to play his guitar & work on his music & I've just been here going with the flow. He & I don't live together but here he is kind of making me sound like I'm part of the problem, then saying...it has nothing to do with me. I just got a new & awesome job and I'm spending a lot of time working on that, I put myself on a diet, doing my best on my own to work on me & now realizing that I just need more of that. Support him, but focus on me. Thank you.
"Support him, but focus on me"! YES! I love it, Michelle, and congrats on the new and awesome job!
It might help to realize that it is really normal for him to make it sound like you're part of the problem (he may even believe that). Here's the thing - he isn't a reliable analyst of the causes of his feelings. When you feel depressed, it is awful. Scary. Painful. The brain searches for answers, and all too often it settles on the people we love. That feels better than blaming ourselves, and it also feels hopeful - if I can just convince you to see how your behavior is hurting me, I can get you to change it and then I'll feel better!!
But it doesn't ever work... because your behavior isn't causing his emotional pain. It isn't just depression that does this. So many of us get caught in this illusion, and spend all of our energy trying to change our partners so we can feel happier.
The truth is that we are the only ones who can effectively and reliably manage our emotional experiences. And at the core of managing our emotions is cultivating the ability to accept negative and uncomfortable feelings.
He's wrong that you're part of the problem... but it's also okay that he thinks that. You don't have to take it personally or make it mean anything about you. It's just his brain trying to find solutions to emotions that he isn't able to accept or process right now.
Stick with it! Doing the work on your own emotional health is ALWAYS worth it.💛💛
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach hello I'm so glad I found your video.. this exactly what I needed. My boyfriend is going through depression and I'm helpless especially because we are in a LDR and I can't even tell whether he is okay or not cos he is not talking to me and wouldn't even answer his calls... sometimes I don't know the right things to say and I feel like everything I say is wrong. He said the therapy isn't helping and he doesn't want to take the medication that is prescribed because he doesn't want to get hooked on it.. workouts help but only for a short period of time..I'm really confused and don't know what to do..
@@fafanyo7792I know this is 2 years old but this is exactly what I’m going through right now.
I'm with my boyfriend almost 3 years... he's suffering a lot. He has very deep depression and he left his job 3 years ago and didnt do anything since then. He stoped living i can say. Left so many friends behind, all day siting at home or going out just for a moment but that's IT. I was trying to help him, i was loking for some therapy even for bouth of us, talking a lot and trying to understand his perspective because its valid. He was very thankful for that, but for now he changed. Now im only hearing that i dont care about him or just dont understand and not trying to change that. That he feels lonely and cant deal with me or my life. For example when something bad or stressful happen im my life he can see that even if im trying to hide IT and then ge gets more stressed beacuse of that. Its very hard because i have one year of my uni left and i dont know what to do. I feel exausted and useless. He's never happy with who i am and what i'm doing. Even smallest things can make him very angry and its always my fault. He doesnt want to go to the specialist at all and says that he doesnt know how long he will be in that state. Im afraid. Yesterday i talked with him about that, that im so stressed about his well being beacuse i can see that once he's feeling better every little thing can ruin that and in this kind of situation a specialist is more that need. I feel guilty about that, about saying all that stuff, but I see how fragile is his mind. He somehow didnt want to fight for himself anymore and i dont know if i can take this. Its been so long like that. We cant live normally. Am i horrible person that i talked about that with him? I asked him to think about his therapy and if he can handle our relationship because i dont want to cause more problems for him. I want to support him but its getting more and more difficult when he's saying that often im a problem and that i cant give him what he needs. Im scared that when he'll reaches me out IT will be over for US. I dont want him to be alone, but i dont have that much power anymore to fight with his demons by myself. Im not the solution but he thinks that i can solve somehow everything for him, like im the answer. I know IT sounds hursh but i was doing everything i could for 3 years, he was desapered for months, didnt talki with me, he cant sleep at all, doesnt eat, but i can see that recently he gain a little weigt so im very proud. He's very mean often and gets sooo angry. Im not feeling safe im emotional way. I love him deeply but i need from him a sign that he also cares about me and our relationship. i feel that im doing everything wron and i have so many thouts i cant handle. Im afraid that i became ill also. Sorry for my bad language but i tried 😅
I'm so sorry that you're in such a painful place right now. What you're dealing with is stressful and can be really traumatic as well. Carly, please get support for yourself. Whether that's finding a therapist, a coach or something else, you need to prioritize taking care of your mental and emotional well being. You cannot help him if you are not feeling safe emotionally yourself.
I know how hard this is. I've been there too, in moments where I couldn't stop crying and I felt like I was going to lose MY mind. And I know how hard it is to prioritize taking care of yourself... but it is absolutely critical that you do. You deserve support right now, and you're going to have to be the one to ask for it.
If you're not sure where to start, here are a few options:
Therapists:
www.psychologytoday.com/us
members.iceeft.com/member-search.php
The second link is for EFT therapists - they are my personal favorite for helping with relationships and trauma.
Coaching:
I have a coaching program that may be a good fit. You can read about it here. The top of the page also has more resources you might find helpful:
www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
Low Cost Powerful Support
This is an amazing group that combines support with self guided trainings to help you recover emotionally from trauma. It sounds like you're experiencing some traumatic impacts from the constant emotional stress and lack of safety over the last 3 years. This program might be a good resource.
Just so you know, I don't have any relationship with this program and I don't gain anything for referring people to it. I just think it is important work that they do really well and they are providing it at a really affordable rate (I think it's $99/month).
www.mendingtrauma.com/
This was the most helpful video i ever watched about this topic. Thank you. Thank you so so much. I can't even express how much the realisation this video brought me has changed my perception of my situation and how thankful I am for that
You are so welcome! I'm really glad that it helped. Thank you for your kind comments and for watching.
I understand your point in this video, but there's still so much more behind it. I will ask him to talk to me, and he'll just shrug and go back to sleep. But, I finally did get him to tell me what was going on, it took months, and he has it engrained in his head that if he talks about stress or depression that it just makes him seem weak, or like he's just burdening me. Which I tell him the opposite is true, but it doesn't make him stop believing himself.
And then there's the stress of trying to carry the family. He will go days without getting out of bed, and when his kids visit it's my job to take care of them. I pay all the bills, I do all the shopping and cooking, and all the chores (which he never bothers to concern himself with.) And it's to the point where I can't even get him to help with any of it because now he's more depressed because he lost his job because of it. I'm just tired...
Depressed people are like black holes. Doing or not doing, doesn’t matter.
Thank you so much. This is the best video I've watched so far. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years and he suddenly had depression. We were already talking about marriage but he suddenly felt not sure about me anymore and the future. It hurt so bad I just want to let go but I realised he had depression and so I'm here learning what to do. I hope you see my comment and create a video about this topic for those who are still in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I have so many questions if he will change or if the depression will never go away. I love him so much and I'm happy loving him even through this time but of course I'm still hoping for him to go back. Is it possible? Hope you can address these stuff on one of your videos. Lots of love to your channel ❤
I'd just like to advise you to speak with a therapist. There are a couple of hard decisions to make, and a clinician is the right kind of person to help clarify them for you. And if you do decide to stay together, you need your own, outside support. Depression is vampiric. You'll need to learn more about healthy boundaries than you've ever dreamed. I say this as "the depressed one" in a failed 13 year marriage who was constantly trying to get better and help my spouse understand what I needed and all I received was disdain and shame.
Don’t get married. Simply not worth it. 27 years married to a depressed person here. Simply not worth it.
Wow Dr. Sloan. What a way to rip the blind off my eager eyes
You are saving my sanity. All that you have described is exactly what I am experiencing with my depressed partner. Great advice which I embrace and will follow. Thank you, Rachael!
I'm so glad the videos are helping! Thank you for watching.
Wow, i keep rewatching this video because it helps me to remind myself that i cannot fix it, i can only be there for him & to work on myself in the meantime.
I am so glad that this video is helping. It is really easy to get stuck in the "fix him!" mindset, mostly because it gives us something to do and keeps us from feeling helpless. But it also keeps us from connecting, which ultimately is what we want and what our partners need.
It sounds simple... but keeping yourself mentally and emotionally healthy throughout this journey is not an easy task. I'm launching a community coaching project in September that is geared toward supporting people like you (and me!) as we do this work. If this video has been helpful for you, the group might be a good fit. Connecting with people who get what you're going through and having a safe place to work through some of your specific challenges can make it more manageable.
Here are the details: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
Thank you for your comment, and I'm thrilled that this video has been helpful. What you're navigating is messy and challenging. Be gentle with yourself. The way through is loving yourself first, and then loving him.
I have a partner who recently began his decent into a major depressive episode I believe was first triggered by the decline of his step dad's health around the time he got back from a Christmas vacation he took during the last week of December. Since then, on top of the dad's hospital visit and surgery that left his dad in a wheelchair, he's experienced the loss of 2 family members to terminal illness, and then the sudden loss of a 3rd family member as well as the sudden loss of a friend he had irl to a car crash. Another family member of his is on the decline too, all of this within the span of just the past two months. Ever since it's started and then gotten worse, he's been distancing from me more and more instead of coming to me for support like he used to in the past, and it freaking hurts. He's never been open to therapy, and the best I could get him to do with this is to promise he would at least think about it, and I haven't pressed the issue since.
Two full years together have passed for us on December 16th, despite the fact that ours is a LDR. He hasn't suggested or even talked about breaking up at all, but at the same time I can no longer feel the love he used to have for me since he no longer shows me love, and he never says he loves me first anymore. When he does say he loves me back, it's always with "Love you too" as if he doesn't mean it anymore, and even then he hardly actually says it back lately...yet when his depression first started he told me to remember that he loved me before he took time away from being online for about a week. Ever since he got back he's been like this, and empty shell of himself that won't let me in to hold him anymore. I'm trying so hard to remember his words, but without reassurance from him that we'll still be okay, I almost can't handle it. After seeing this video...I wonder if this is an example of that "your own emotional drama" you mentioned...because it does feel pretty selfish...but I just want to help him so bad, and I don't understand why he suddenly shifted from coming to me for support in the past to distancing himself instead. Please, what is your advice on this situation? How can I be there for him without smothering him? When I asked him about what the best way to support him would be, he said he didn't even know the answer himself. Is all of this just the result of what he's going through?
Thank you for sharing your story. This is such a difficult place, for both of you. I know how hard it is to want to help SO badly, and how stressful it is when he doesn't know what it is he needs either.
He has experienced a lot of events that trigger grief and possibly even trauma responses. Those powerful and often overwhelming emotions can lead to significant behavioral changes.
Your first task is to take care of you and make sure that you are processing your emotions and regulating your own internal narrative. That will give you the clarity you need to look at the relationship from the outside and see what is possible as far as supporting him goes.
This page has a list of free resources you may find helpful: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
If you scroll down it also details a coaching program I offer for people in your situation. If you read through and think it might be a good fit you can book a free consultation with me to discuss the best next steps for you.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I wanted to let you know that things are looking a little more up. I finally managed to catch him online and in a decent enough mood to sit down and just.../really/ and compassionately ask him again what he thinks he needs from me right now. He ended up telling me that he just needed more space right now to process his emotions and work through everything in his own way. He told me that initially, he felt afraid to say anything because he thought I would take it the wrong way, and admitted that I was making him feel a little too stuffy for comfort by reminding him too much that I loved him and that I was there for him, and that he really just needs for our relationship to be more casual for now too, rather than romantic to a point where he just emotionally can't keep up with it. So we're going to try no contact space with weekly check ins on the weekends and see how things go from there. He also has an alternate way to contact me too, in case he needs me sooner than the weekend some weeks.
I think...the most despairing thing about this situation was simply not knowing which direction to go in to best support him as his partner. It drove me crazy and was destroying me trying to read his mind and intentions just based on what I saw on the few occasions he did have an exchange of any kind with me. So if you make the situation too stuffy by loving them too much, it seems they're more inclined to push you away. I'll keep you updated on how this unfolds if you like, in case my experience could maybe helps others going through similar things in a LDR. Since you took interest in my story, maybe it'll help you advise others too since LDRs are a pretty big grey area as far as longevity and very limited advice that's out there.
Thank you for reading my comment and dropping a little bit of your advice for me. I definitely want to follow up with a strategy meeting to come up with a strategy to work on myself while my partner is taking his space. This way, when we talk again maybe I can be more of a better person and a better support for him too through all this. I actually have one scheduled with you soon 😌
@@404unknown6 I cannot tell you how proud I am of you for having that conversation. It is not easy to set aside your own fears and assumptions and be genuinely curious about what your partner is experiencing and what they need in the moment.
And thank you so much for sharing your story here. I do think other viewers will find it helpful to read and learn from your experiences. Please keep us updated!
I look forward to speaking with you soon, and I hope I can support you as you continue to navigate this relationship with your partner.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Another update for you, it turns out that he clarified that no contact space wasn't actually something he wanted, and in fact it was exactly the way he was afraid I would take his request...because me not being around at all wasn't really what he meant in the end. He just wants space in the sense to be able to come and go as he pleases without me trying to be affectionate or bombarding him with constant reminders like I mentioned in the previous comment. Because he just doesn't feel loving or affectionate right now with everything going on, he just emotionally can't right now and he said it makes him feel bad when he can't. What he wants is for me to still be around, but for our conversations and exchanges to be more casual for a while until he works through some of this. So instead of taking no contact space "for him" per say...I decided to take a few days anyway for my own well-being anyway to try and work on myself and get my own emotions under control. This way, I can do this better and be more casual for him. I'm going to be asking you for steps more tailored to my specific emotional situation to take during our strategy call, but for the viewers here...do you have any advice for how to resist the urge to try and be close to your depressed partner when they don't want or need that right now? When I go back from my break, I'm afraid I might have a hard time with going from passionate and romantic to casually romantic. So the urge to want to be close and affectionate with him will be hard for me to resist, and maybe others struggle with the same urges when their depressed partners don't want it, while also still being able to support them.
@404Unknown Wow this is EXACTLY what’s going on with my relationship too! I can’t believe how similar it is to my situation. I still don’t know if I should stop contacting him for a while like you did. He says I should focus on myself too without worrying too much about him. Ofc I wouldn’t just leave him when he’s at his lowest rn or else I might regret it later. But loving someone without expectations is so hard. most days I feel stupid, unloved, and taken for granted ..then some days id be okay & hopeful he’s going to be okay too. It’s a vicious cycle
.
it’s even harder for me because we live 2 hours away from each other. The last time I saw him was almost 2 months ago and I don’t think he’ll come to see me anytime soon.
He has completely stopped calling me, would only send me one or two texts a day.. it’s so frustrating to have to wait for him to reply… there’s been a communication gap between us which makes the only communication we have via text, even more uninteresting. no more goodmorning & goodnight texts. Nor does he say “I love you” anymore. It’s a roller coaster ride. I’m trying to focus on myself too while I’m still holding on to this relationship, I wanna patient, supportive and understanding but also, no one knows when things will be okay again between us.. it’s just… so hard to get stuck in this situation.! I’m growing tired of waiting for him to be okay again.
I hope you’re doing well… I have so many questions to ask you 🥲
I wish someone showed me this video a year ago. Now when we are separated I have learned it hard way how much I didn't understand my wife, her needs and myself. Thank you.
What if they don’t want to open up, seek help, listen to advice, or work on anything because they feel it’s pointless
What do you do if your partners depression comes out in the form of anger, and they are verbally abusive basically mean to you. Do you just stay out of your own head and listen?
I’m right there with you. It’s an absolutely ridiculous idea to shame people for wanting to fix the depression because of how WE feel. We are allowed to feel, too. Many of us have been neglected and mistreated and absolutely in no way deserve to be guilt tripped because we want the depression out of our lives. My depression husband is a dick.
Preach it!
They wont hang out or let me come over.. be depressed but lets be together… frankly easier i think if we lived together then I can see n not have to ask!
This video has truly hit the nail on the head for me. This is me..!
this video worked pretty well to explain things for why my ex-wife was depressed and she did everything trying to change me into something I am not, all the while I was trying to help her by going to therapy, going out for walks with her and so on. She was trying to figure out things about herself but in the end she was just too messed up for her and she lashed the frustration to me when I did not experience things like she did. For example when discussing I see speech bubbles, like in comics, in my mind and I piece together a sentence like that to make it mean something and not just spout noise out to fill the silence. She took that as that I try to come up with excuse when all I was just doing it thinking, maybe little too long for her liking but I was not just there sitting giving her the silent treatment.
Just like what you said that when I tried to share my experiences she would lash out in anger to me, and if I tried talking about anything that would interest me she would just be angry and not interested
I'm really sorry that you and your ex wife went through so much. It sounds like there was a lot of pain and misunderstanding between you.
How are you doing now?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hey Rachael, I am doing lot better now, thank you for asking.
Its still really fresh so I am still at very start of the new journey, even thought it feels like it has been months... I was not the one who wanted divorce, I hanged onto it with tooth and nail to the very last minute. But I have come to realize that it was the right decision. I loved her, and still do, but in the end she was very selfish as a person and for every thing I changed and did my best to be better person for her, she would stay the same and/or even get more selfish and mean towards me. I supported her in her want to go back to school, I supported her hobbies and her work even when it took majority of her day (9am to 11pm most days), but for my hobbies I would not get any support and she would call them stupid and that I waste my time doing something I liked.
And no, I was not some superman, I had problems too, I was also the problem in the relationship, I am not trying to be victim here that has zero responsibilities or that I am innocent. I tried my best and at points I could have been better, I should have been better. But everything I did was not good enough.
It still hurts, but it also feels like that I can allow myself to be myself and that makes me happy :)
@@Graavigala85 I'm so glad that you're learning to allow yourself to be yourself. That's a wonderful place to be. Thank you for sharing some of your story here, I think it will help other people who can relate and also take some encouragement from the positive things you are doing for yourself now.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Hope this helps. My writing was all over the place and my brain is like pinball bouncing all over the place trying to make sense of this whole situation still :) but things will get better, slowly but surely sun will shine :)
Thank you! I will do this. I will just love her and enjoy it. That's so easy to do because even though she's depressed and pushes me away sometimes, still, she's such a beautiful person and so easy to love.
This video seems like it was made for me! I’m so tired of living with someone depressed. Sometimes I can’t keep myself calm and the anxiety gets out of control. I hate it
Saying this and coaching divorced men got me intrigued. Am I the only one?
If it helps the curiosity... I used to work primarily with people with depressed partners. My husband has struggled with depression at various points in our marriage, and managing my own reaction to that was a big part of what brought me into coaching in the first place.
However, I started working with more and more men, kind of by chance, and I realized what a huge hole there is - there are so few resources for men going through divorce, and so many of these men are literally dying by suicide because they feel so isolated and desperate.
So I shifted my focus and have spent the last 2 1/2 years working with men and learning how to support them in the process of healing from divorce. Kind of an odd shift, for sure! But the work has been incredibly inspiring and rewarding.
I get quite a few folks who find my older depressed partner videos helpful, so I've left them up even though I don't offer programs around that anymore.
Thanks for watching!
Hi Rachael, today my boyfriend break up with me because of his depression. He pushed me away. He said he can't give me happiness in my life I deserve to have someone else better then him. We been together almost 5 years. Now I feel very hurt. I love him so much,Please give me some advice what should I do?
What did you do ?
I just had a breakthrough watching this. Thank you so much for this video
I met my girlfriend 1 week before her son was murdered. He was 20 yrs old. I'm 45 , she's 44. It's a new relationship, only 5 months. The first couple months I was there for her and listened to her, but now in the 5th month, she is pushing me away, not returning my text, and has stated to me she can't give me any attention, or anything relationship wise. She wants to spend her time with her other 2 sons 5 and 13, and focus on that. I told her I respect that , and will be there when she needs me. I just feel depressed about the whole thing, I want to spend time with them but she has no interest in that, and I respect that. Just feels like we will break up soon, we hardly talk on the phone and text . I know I can't fix the situation, just want to listen, but she's not letting me in. I will probably back off but seems like it will be the end. :(
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I put together a pretty comprehensive list of resources that might help, you find them on this page: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
How do I do this from afar (long distance). What kind of texts, I have been just saying I am here to listen.
I’m clinically depressed and trying to stay afloat myself and now my bf is depressed and is pushing me away and sending sporadic texts. He’s in the military and though we have a home on base and in the middle of fixing it up, currently we are 6 hours away from each other. It is very draining for me as I have my own mental health problems and trying to support him whilst he has shut down and is not supporting me. I have decided to detach myself from him and his current state to protect MY mental health. He needs to reach out to me first when he is ready. My assignment is to water me and improve my mental health now.
I’m beyond the point of getting in to a relationship with someone depressed, people don’t know half the battles I fight. If I can overcome it so can my partner. They’re living in the past.
Amen.
My partner is depressed because I made her feel unnoticed and neglected. I am the cause, I don't know how to undo the pain and make her happy and love me again, I'm petrified
What should you do if, when you yourself were going through a hard time with your own mental health, they threatened to leave unless you changed. So you DID change, did years of hard work, only for the person to blame you for them suddenly becoming miserable and unhappy and they blame you for everything even their alcoholism? I have put every ounce of effort anyone possibly could while having as many health issues as I do. I’ve tried being curious and learning our differences but all I get is “I don’t know I don’t know, talking with you sucks I don’t want your help” and it’s breaking my soul on a deep level
I hear you, I cant just choose to "be happy" when, for example, theyre depressed but not usually going through depression and having sudden health changes. Is this video for someone with diagnosed long term depression?
So…..if my partner and I have been chatting for 2/3 weeks straight and then suddenly stops I should just leave him alone & let him come to me when he’s ready? What if he doesn’t? Is it ok to reach out to him?
This is so good. Ouch, but so true. Thank you for sharing this wisdom.
I see some good advice here, but what about when there are kids involved and you don’t want them to see you and your spouse “sitting” in the depression? I think it can be a bad example to set for them. How do you deal with that?
I am the depressed partner. I’m listening to try and find out how to help them see me. Been in therapy for over ten years and have sensitivity medication.
I hadn't heard the maps of meaning thing before, that was so useful!!!!
Thank you for your advise. I got 5 yrs relationship & we were very happy together & suddenly he wanted to break up & isolated himself. He kept saying I'm wonderful & he's bad hurting me & asked me give hime some time. I was so confused, was hurt badly but after 3 months now I feel much better but feeling up & down some time. However i still love him & will take your advise on loving myself & enjoy my love with him. Hope this works & we can be back to our happiness again as we used to.
I’m going through for a this situation , my boyfriend is depressed and I love him so much I want to be there for him, we had a little argument the other day and he push me away , he told me that he is too depressed for a relationship , that he needs and want to be alone , that he don’t want to see or hear from me that he just need to be alone , what can I do , I won’t give up of him , I love him with all my heart and my soul and if god wants in a month I’ll be there for him in his country , can you give me some phrases I can say to him to calm the situation , I know he is so depressed I need help please I don’t want to loose him
The problem is there are things associated with depression like laziness, emotional outbursts, accusations and such that it isn’t just feelings, it goes to quality of life and really a one way street relationship. Not to mention we have children to consider.
I’ve basically detached myself emotionally from my wife and just let her be, not trying to solve anything for her.
Sometimes when I take Delta 8 I can become very in tune to other and I can get a glimpse which helps me.
I have depression very badly but my husband is very supportive and then I feel guilty for being depressed I pray a lot and are on medication
Thank you for sharing that-it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and it’s understandable to feel guilt when someone close is so supportive. It’s important to remember that depression is an illness, and feeling this way isn’t your fault. Your husband’s support shows he genuinely cares, and accepting that support is part of your healing journey.
Prayer and medication are meaningful steps, and being open about your feelings can be a relief for both of you. If you're ever interested in exploring more ways to manage these feelings together, I offer resources in my free masterclass that might be helpful: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register.
Wishing you strength and healing-you’re not alone in this.
I don' t want to fix him. That's his job, and he's trying. I don't assume our minds are percieving the same way- I learned long ago that fallacy. What I want to know is HOW DO I GET HIM TO TELL ME WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING???? He does this shut down and stew instead of letting it out. He knows I'm safe, that my love isn't conditional, and I am trained in how to just listen and hold space. I want to know how to get him to LET me be there for him.
And yes, sometimes I'm resentful because I wind up doing all the chores, including the literally 2 of them he was willing to agree to. But I can't make him feel bad that he's not doing them bc he's got enough to deal with...So I wind up overwhelmed by the physicality of the fallout of his depression.Yeah, that sucks, but I promise you its peanuts compared to raising my parents and siblings .
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable and honest experience. It’s clear that you love and care deeply for your partner, and it’s understandable to feel frustrated when you want to help but don’t know how. Many people struggling with depression have difficulty expressing their needs, and it can feel like an emotional barrier that’s hard to break through. It sounds like you’re already doing a great job of holding space and being there for him, but it’s also important to communicate openly with him about how this dynamic affects you as well. Sometimes, gently asking questions like, ‘How can I support you today?’ or ‘What would make things easier for you right now?’ can encourage him to open up.
It’s also perfectly okay to set healthy boundaries around your own well-being and the tasks you’re taking on. You deserve to feel supported, too.
If you’d like more guidance on how to navigate these complex emotional dynamics and find ways to protect your own mental health while supporting your partner, I invite you to join my free masterclass. It provides valuable strategies to help you find balance and peace while managing these challenges. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/optin1671910386839.
You’re doing the best you can, and that’s something to be proud of. 💙
This is amazingly insightful and helpful. Thank you for this!
Very nice suggestions for a depressed person’s partner
Very rare people know this how to deal with them
Thank you 😊
Brilliant! This is the best advice.
I Came here looking to help my partner understand how to help me deal with depression....but ended up realising so many ways I was going wrong in my relationship.... me Nd my partner are on such different planes in life that it seems like I am all alone even though we are married... but I ve been isolating my partner too by not being open to his reality map...I am going to try to be more open Nd listen better....thank you...love Nd light 💕🌸
What if they are suicidal though? Should you just have a hands off approach?
I don’t live with my partner, and he would just disappear when he needs space. It’s so hard not to “do” anything when he disappears. ☹️
We are in relationship since one year my boyfriend used to treat me as a queen..but he went to doctor.. he has so many problems like depression, anxiety , lungs and liver disease his family is very very very toxic they came to know about our relationship and torturing him mentally and physically..he has no money now because his all savings are wasted , his family doesn't even give me a single rupees ..he is very upset now.. most of the time he is irritated and angry..I can't handle him but I can't leave him because I love him so much..we used to be the happiest but now everything is getting worst day by day..I don't know what should I do how can i help him..and I miss the soft old him badly.. please pray for him and our relationship..may everything will be good as before..he love me as he did and he get well soon .. please pray for us please ❤️and give me any suggestions if you want
Thank you so much, this is the best video I’ve been needing this.
You're welcome. I'm glad it was helpful. Thanks for watchign!
Idk what you meant by it, but imo calling the non-depressed partners feelings "emotional drama" serverly downplays that they are real, valid emotions. I was left feeling bad after watching this video. I dont believe my concerns over my partners sudden weight loss, strong suicidal ideation, and accrewing of debt because of depression constitutes as emotional drama, but are real problems that would realistically affect the both of us. Maybe this says more abt me than the actual quality of the video, as it really seems to have helped other people, but i wish there was more outward compassion towards the non-depressed partner shown in this video. As it is now, the video seemed a bit callous to the hurt the non-depressed person experiences.
Hi . My partner just broke up with me because he got depressed again . But she used to talk me everday . When i reduced to care her she used to talk more and tell everything . But suddenly she tried to push me away . Some times when i asked about her she tells you don't care . Just look after your work . I don't know what should i do. And now she is telling she is not her older version anymore . She tries to show that she is so rude she is so harsh and mean . What should i do now ?
I think you just changed my whole life. Literally sitting hear crying hearing you describe me to a T. I am shaking.
This is so powerful! Such a beautiful message. Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
On one hand I understand that it's up to a professional to fix me but I don't understand why people (like my ex) are like I don't know what to do. Helping to find a local dr on google maps, call and setup an appt are small steps that to me show the person cares and wants to help. And I say this only because when we are feeling so run down with zero energy absolutely everything feels difficult. I think I would have appreciated at least her listening to me but I didn't even get that from her... she never sat down and said hey you're not well, tell me what's going on much less give me a single heartfelt hug and tell me it was going to be ok. To me she was indifferent and didn't even care about me. I am not putting the blame on her and saying she needed to fix me but when you're literally living together who else would notice and offer some help? She recently left me after 8 yrs. 😢
I just found out my wife as depression i need to learn more about this. Your videos are great. I need help!
Hi Mark, thanks for watching, I'm glad you like my videos.
I'd love to help support you as you and your wife navigate her experience of depression. The best thing to do is for us to talk, so you can tell me more about what you need and we can decide together if working with me is a good fit for your situation.
You can book a consultation with me directly through my calendar here: calendly.com/rachaelsloan/strategy or you can email me to schedule a time to talk: rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Will all honestly, I feel it is very difficult to accept that their feelings cannot change. You feel guilt if you feel good but they can´t. When there is so many lovely things in life they cannot enjoy, how can you enjoy if you see your partner suffering? I find a hard time just to accept they are sad, no matter what?
My husband passed away and i miss him every day, its been 2 years and i still miss him i cry too,but i know im going to be ok , because i have God.
Only I met this guy , and he is smitten with me and its hard to be in a relationship with, but he is so sweet and where im going with this is ,hes depressed daily ,he tells me hes sorry hes not a good boyfriend and tells me He Loves Me and we havent made love yet, i prefer it that way.
He is so broken and haven't the heart to tell him to go.
You see i never had this much attention from my late husband of 48 years ,he was depressed and suicidal.
Am I being selfish?
I know my boyfriend asks me if i want him in his life , because he knows hes depressed and i say yes , when i should tell the true and let him go, but its so hard.😢
Thank you ! You have a way of clarifying things that makes sense to me and helped me to sort through the choices. 😊
This is so spot on ....thank you so much!
I am so sorry I only found out about this video now. It’s too late for me. I was useless to my partner and caught up in my own drama I made his torment worse.
Dear Isabelle, how are you doing now? I know it can be hard to move forward after a relationship ends, especially when depression is involved.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach I feel guilty and sad. I feel I let him down. There were times where I succeeded at being there for him by not doing anything and reaching out freely in a nondemanding way. He let me know that was what he needed everytime I did that. It was just hit or miss for me because I thought he was simply going through tough times as he still functioned relatively well.
I now realize he is severely depressed and traumatized. When he came over to have THAT chat, he said he was numb to all feelings including his children which he adores. That is when I finally clued in.
Thank you. This was much needed for me❤
Alright, I understood the video Rachael. And I thank you for it. There is still a question though.
You say it yourself between minute 07:56-08:10. That counts for both parts of the relationship. So how can I ASSIST in some kind of way that my partner recognizes this, preferable her-/himself?!
I can listen for years, but I know one can stuck in its bubble a lifetime without recognizing.
Thank you so much. This has been eye opening for me.
You're welcome. I'm so glad it was helpful.
Knowing how to support your spouse during this hard times is so important.
Thank you, very (very) much. This is so helpful.
Thank you for making this video!
This is good advice. How do you approach them when they seem angry at you ? And are pushing you away.
In my experience it's coming from past trauma and most of the time something happened to them that they had no control over. But it happened and it changed how we deal with other people and also our minds don't shut off. We are constantly trying to prevent anything negative coming our way.
But may I know how to be strong while dealing with such partner?? Because I think that I have reached a point where I am completely exhaust.. I don't have any energy left in me to deal with his tantrums. I fear for myself getting into depression while supporting a depressed partner.
Hi Nikita,
It is so important to take care of yourself. Sometimes that means taking a step back or even taking some time apart from your partner.
This page has some resources that might help, especially the first two exercises. They are amazing for helping you manage your own emotions as they come up and not getting so burned out: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
Hello Rachael, this guide is very nice, currently I'm going through a similar problem, my partner is going through a depression phase. She kept withdrawal, i feels so helpless. And we are LDR. May I ask you to make a guide or something like that about how to support depressed partner when both of us LDR? Thank you in advance
Hi, and thanks! I'm glad this is has been helpful. Being in a long distance relationship is often challenging, and even more so when your partner pushes you away or is struggling with depression.
Yes, I can make a video discussing ways to support them from a distance. There are
1. Make a contact schedule and stick to it.
Reaching out consistently is important. But there are rules!! You are not allowed to send long emotional messages. If she is pushing you away, it means she is overwhelmed by how she feels. She doesn't have the energy to respond to you when you are seeking emotional validation (which totally sucks, but it is true. You have to get your emotional validation elsewhere when she doesn't feel good).
Send a funny picture or video, a GIF or a short message. Give her an update ("started my new job today, feeling proud of myself!") or share something mundane from your day or tell her about something you saw that made you think of her ("Lilacs are blooming today, I know you love the way they smell. Made me think of you :)" )
No pressure. Don't ask for or expect a response. And don't send too many!! Make a schedule and stick with it. Maybe you allow yourself one message a day, or one every other day. If she responds, you're free to reply. If she doesn't, you stick to your schedule.
The goal is to let her know you are still there and that you care without putting any pressure on her.
2. Ask your partner what they need/want.
When your partner is NOT feeling depressed, have a conversation about the best ways to support them. Everyone is different, and things that work well for some of my clients supporting their partner's don't work with my husband when he feels depressed. When your partner is feeling good, gently bring up the topic and ask them directly what helps and what makes it worse.
3. Get serious about taking care of yourself.
To support her you HAVE to be mentally calm and emotionally centered. If you aren't, you'll find yourself feeling anxious, needing her reassurance, worried, frustrated, resentful... and so on. That's not good for you and it isn't going to help your relationship.
Self care means owning your emotions, taking the time to understand and work through your triggers and insecurities and cultivating meaningful relationships with friends and family, so that you have the emotional support you need when she isn't well enough to give it to you.
I hope this is helpful. And I will put together a video about this too.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach it's kinda hard to not take it personally, but I hold it. May I know why does she ignoring me? And I mean I don't want her going through this alone
@@dewiefairy1002 it's really heartbreaking and confusing knowing that they don't even want to talk to us. I'm not sure why they have to be like this, ignoring/shut down us. At this point, they probably already forgetting us..
@@dewiefairy1002 I feel you, any update about your depressed partner? Is he still push and ignores u ?
@@young-7495 how are you guys? I experienced what you experienced 2 months ago. And we are in LDR too. But I read Rachel's advice on LDR, and it's very helpful.
What if the partner keeps blaming you for his depressed state.
My wife has been on antidepressants for over 20 years. About a year ago she decided(by herself) to stop taking them… I didn’t know about it until last May. In July right after the biggest emotional PMS I have ever experienced she became a different person. It’s like I’m the one to blame for her unhappiness.. To top it all off she also has been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism which also exacerbates things even more. I understand you mentioned to just listen to them etc but what do you say to someone that says they want divorce/separation or just move downstairs… I need help with this specific situation. I do stay quiet etc but it appears that she wants me to agree..
Is it to late to book a free strategy call with you? Im lost how to navigate or talk to my boyfriend who been dealing with depression for years. I just keep doing it worse. And i get why now because of your video
What if your partner is the cause of majority of your stresses and depression has now ensued? I'm not looking to my spouse for any kind of support he can't be counted on anyways
OK this was the helpful video, thank you very much
You're welcome. Thank you for being here and for watching.
Depression is a weakness and poison which should be eradicated. I had depression myself but managed to overcome it by simple choice - to die as a looser or live as a winner, since then I have so much drive to live and fight to win that actually depression was a blessing which gave me purposes in live. Recently I left my partner with depression because she was weak and dragging me down also abusive and toxic towards me... Just to say for all in same situation - leave your depressed partners with no regret because they will ruin your life and the lifes of your kids.
I'm so sorry that you've struggled with depression yourself, and it sounds like this perspective you have towards depression has helped you to overcome it. I don't want to challenge it if it is working for you, however, for the other people who may read this I would like to express my opinion.
Again, if this is working for you, don't worry about reading this comment. It is more for others who might come across it. That said, I do wonder if there is a tone of anger or resentment in your comment? It is hard to tell online :) If there is, then perhaps reading this will be useful for you as well.
My opinion is that depression, like any other overwhelming emotional experience (including anxiety and bi-polar disorder) is a normal and natural response to stress, pain, challenge and frightening or intolerable situations. Like any emotional experience, it is often a defense mechanism and does serve a purpose in protecting us at some point of trauma or challenge in our lives. Unfortunately, we can get stuck in that defense, and what once protected us becomes a prison that threatens to overtake us.
Because it is an emotional experience that is grounded in our survival instincts, depression occurs in both the body and the brain and is unique in each person it impacts. I'm thrilled that you have overcome it by will alone. For most people, it requires working through the physical sensations of the emotion and/or healing past traumatic experiences to release emotional triggers. Even then, there can be obstacles and unique components that keep your brain chemicals cycling through into depressive episodes. Your physiology learns to be depressed, and changing that can be complex, and is very rarely something that one can simply think or will away. It is not a weakness.
As far as staying with a depressed partner or leaving them, that choice is always yours and yours alone. My personal experience (staying) has been that the challenges we face as a couple have given me incredible opportunities to learn and grow. I don't think I would have done the personal growth work for myself (and I wouldn't be a coach now) if it weren't for my husband and his experience of depression. I am a happier, healthier and more whole person, more emotionally resilient and capable of deeper empathy and love than I was before. Contrary to ruining my life, he has, in many, many ways, saved me from a life of mediocrity and ignorance about my own heart and mind.
What a fantastic and neutral response.
Im the partner that has depression and got told this morning that me being quiet is making her feel like shes done something wrong. I have had depression for 17 years and today i can say i have no support system
Get a therapist! Your partner is not your therapist!!!!!
When I was a kid my mom went to the restroom between class and church service and the back of her skirt got caught in her pantyhose. She had no idea! What was worse is that she never wears panties under her nylons!
As she made her way down to our pew, very near the front row, she was her usual friendly self shaking hands with the elders and giving little waves to her friends. Just as she reached our pew an old lady very obviously pointed out her predicament. My mom just wanted to die! And we wanted to for her.
But when church was over my mother held her head high and walked back up that aisle smiling and carrying on as if nothing had happened. She even made a point to shake the hands of those same elders looking them right in the eye.
My mom is a real class act. But not only did she teach me how to hold my head up in the face of embarrassment I also learned to always check my dress tail in the mirror
Good for her! I was in a restaurant years ago and there was an elderly lady that walked out of the restroom and she had the same situation. I didn't know her but I ran behind her and told her what she had going on and she thanked me and thanked me. I never told the group of women I was with because I knew if I told them they would be staring at her. I did what my heart told me to do but looking back that was Jesus leading me.
Hello Rachel, I just watched your video. But I'm a bit confused about "the hardest thing is to do nothing".
Currently my partner going through a depression phase and we are in LDR. She keeps ignoring me when I text her, checking on her and such.. She keeps ghosting me ON and OFF and it's been 3 months. So yeah about the " hardest thing is to do nothing" how does exactly? And if I do nothing what if she think I don't care anymore about her?
I apologize for the slow reply. How are things going with your partner now?
LDR are especially challenging when your partner deals with depression. In person you can offer the gift of your physical presence, but long distance you simply can't do that most of the time.
What I typically recommend is that you set a simple schedule for yourself. Decide how often you're going to reach out/check in etc. Maybe it's twice a week, maybe more, maybe less. You'll have to make that decision based on what feels right to you and on your knowledge of your partner.
Then your task is to work on yourself. That starts with processing what you feel. When she ignores you, what happens? How do you feel? What does your brain make it mean about you and about her?
The bulk of your work is not in supporting her in the right way(s), but rather in learning to manage your own mind and emotions. When you can do that successfully you'll find that you experience much less stress the "right" way to support her.
What kind of check ins do you recommend?
Im scared if i ask the wrong questions, my depressed partner will get annoyed at me and itll be an emotional disaster. What kinds of questiins are ok? Do i ask him whats ok to ask?
This is very shocking for me
My partner is suffering from depression and all of our problems is that I am trying to fix and make the things better and he is telling me your help is simply by doing nothing and absolutely nothing just don’t do and watch and pray and wait and be silence and calm with me
I completely understand how challenging and frustrating it can be when you’re trying your best to help your partner, but feel like nothing is working. Depression can be incredibly difficult for both the person experiencing it and their loved ones. Your desire to fix things comes from a place of care, but sometimes, especially with depression, trying to “fix” things can feel overwhelming for your partner and may not be what they need at that moment.
It sounds like your partner is asking for space and a more supportive presence rather than active intervention. Sometimes, being present without feeling the need to constantly solve everything is exactly what’s needed-listening, being calm, and simply being there can be incredibly healing. It’s also important to remember to care for yourself in the process, as emotional exhaustion can set in when you’re trying to support someone without boundaries.
If you're feeling stuck and would like more guidance on how to support your partner in a way that doesn't drain you, I invite you to join my free masterclass, where I dive deeper into strategies for managing these complex emotions and setting healthy boundaries while still offering meaningful support.
You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
You’re not alone in this journey, and there are ways to make it through without burning out. I’m here to help!
my gf bt she shuts off ...i have tried my best to get her to talk..i ask if theres a way to resolve .but she doesnt talk..i give her some space..but still she doesnt come through or open up..help wht to do..i really love this girl..but now it really hitting me
Hi Cyrus, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in such a painful situation. It's possible that talking is simply something she can't do right now, and it is also quite likely that she doesn't know how to resolve it, even if she wishes she does. It is not unusual for someone who feels depressed to also feel overwhelmed when they're asked what they need or how you can help them - she doesn't want to feel badly but she doesn't know how to feel better.
This page has some resources that you might find useful - most of them are free and there are some great exercises for supporting your own emotional resilience: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
It also has information about a support group that is starting in February that will include weekly coaching from me and online trainings in emotional regulation, self love and relationship skills for people who love depressed partners. I hope the information helps a little.
What do you do if you and your boyfriend are both depressed?
This is really interesting advice. My partner has been dealing with depression for a few years and I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to shut up listen anymore and definitely don’t know how to do nothing. I wish I had the discipline for this but I know my relationship will end if I don’t change my view on this.
True, that's the best advice ever
Thank you for this advice❤
My gf keeps telling me she doesn't understand. Tells me to snap out of it and get it together, to be man and says she can't be in this kind of relationship. It's been a cycle. On and off. There for me and not there for me. I can't take it anymore! And she just told me again that we're over and she blocked me. I blame myself. And I'm the burden to her. I'm more worthless than before. I am overwhelmed with that including my own daughter's mental issues and my depression. I wish she was just there for me.
What if I enjoy loving myself when I'm allowed to freely enjoy loving them.
She broke up with me because she told me she’s not mentally right and she thinks about hurting herself she doesn’t want me in her life said she would only drag me down and doesn’t want to bleed on me