"you can love them no matter what... You still get to enjoy loving them, because love is not for them, it's a feeling you feel in your body.... But you're gonna have a hard time doing that if you haven't loved yourself first."
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with cptsd. Spent my whole life fighting cptsd. I also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 6 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
Hey mates! Can you help with the source? I suffer severe anxiety, panic and depression and I usually take prescription medicine, but they don't always help. Where can I find those psilocybin mushrooms? I'm really interested in treating my mental health without Rxs. I live in Germany don't know much about these. I'm so glad they helped you. I can't wait to get them too. Really need a reliable source 🙏
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, BPD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
Yes he's Dr.alishrooms. My daughter did straight shrooms in few days. Made her whole! after words, no more addictions, pains, ptsd and depression. It helped us.
So many people are saying this... i wish there were readily available in my place. My partner is currently in an in-patient rehab for a perc/caine addiction. He still smokes cigarettes and now has taken up hookah vaping in there. He's looking for a proper reset treatment. I believe shrooms will help him this is something I will definitely go into. I'm curious as I'd like to ensure he can be helped and I would like him to not do much shrooms either...
My boyfriend is struggling with suicidal depression and just recently decided to break up with me. I’ve been so hurt and confused and I was always trying to be there for him and help him through. I didn’t understand why leaving me was what’s best for him, but your words have helped immensely to understand that. Thank you so much ♥️
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad the video helped a little. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Loving him is a lesson in accepting reality, allowing and processing painful emotions and finding your own strength in self love. Those are not easy lessons. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone with them 💛
If you need hlp, to get back your ex I know of someone who can help you, fix your broken relationship reunite with your soulmate including saving your marriage from divorce
There's "pulling away," and then there's abuse. I suffered emotional abuse from my depressed partner and it got worse and worse. I finally allowed myself to do what was best for my survival and leave.
@@sammyh180984 it can be both. So many people do not pay attention to the fact that their mental health struggles can and have been weaponized to abuse others.
How can a depressed person abuse you? Did you maybe expect them to be able to just shut it off? Maybe you bothered them. You need to leave them alone and have them sit in their pain until it passes.
Drop him and do not feel guilty about it. You should never be im a relationship with someone inconsiderate of your feelings or not strong enough to build with you
@@cjking4511 Thank you very much. It was a terrible experience. The relationship is over now. Funny thing now that I have a new boyfriend, he's saying he was stupid. I agree. Im not going back because I was not appreciated and treated with value.
@@dlangley012 its been 2weeks now for me , she is totally depressed because she lost her dad and on the same week she had a news about her Health , she broke down lately and its been a nightmare so far , she just told me « I dont know if I love you i dont know anything about what I want in Life anymore and I need to surfer by myself , I think i love you but im not sure » , I was there at first because trying to help but respecting what she needed … then « I need Space » came up So im back in my old appartment i just dont know what im supposed to do because i love her so much and i know its not her right now Its been only 2weeks , she calls me everyday but im scared because it doesnt get better for her , i know i Will wait but i dont know if i need to be présent physically sometimes, give her news , i dont know how to act
As someone on the other side of this, it’s enlightening to hear reasons why I am acting this way. I’m not usually emotionally intelligent enough to come about these conclusions on my own. Thank you.
I am going through this right now and this video has really opened my eyes. I have been blaming myself for our separation for the last two months and it has really drug me down. I have realized that she is going through depression herself that I never even knew she had. I have made her a promise to support her through this and let her know I am not going anywhere. It is really sad to watch someone you love so much go through depression but if you love them you have to pray for them and be there for them even if its from a distance.. Thank you so much for the videos.
The most frustrating thing about depression is nobody you were once close to doesn't listen and understand. They don't take the time to watch these help videos. It makes you feel alone. When there is no compassion from others to even try to understand just makes a person dive deeper and deeper into depression. Also, others seek and talk about your depression to others that you once felt comfortable talking to and you feel like everyone knows I'm messed up. But, in my journey I have found that I'm on another type of level of awareness and I'm not talking about a higher IQ. There's something else going on that's unexplainable.
It’s not your partners job / close ones job to understand yourself from a higher IQ. As grown adults, when you are experiencing depression, it’s your job to seek professional help. Your loved ones are human also, have their own lives to pursue and shouldn’t have to take on another persons brain.
@@ashley684one of the main aspects in depression is to "talk it to your loved ones" and giving emotional support and just being there for the depressed person is not a "whole ass 9-5 job", it's much easier than that. This video is only 10 minutes, what would it take for the loved one to just watch it and learn something from it?
Maybe I'm wrong but I don't believe this is true. I just got broken up with by my depressed boyfriend yet I still want to listen, understand, and support him in any way that I can. Recently we just stopped talking because he wants space so I am respecting that space for right now. However that doesn't mean I'm not trying to still understand and love him. What I'm trying to get at is there are so many views and comments on this video for a reason, there are people out there trying to better understand because they do truly have so much love in their hearts and don't want to give up because the love they feel is so worth it. It is so worth it to understand or even try to understand. I really do hope someone in this world will listen, understand, and love you the way that you deserve because everyone deserves that. Things can get better, even if it takes a really long time, please just never stop believing even when it gets hard to. You are never alone, I can promise you that, you just have to find the people out there who want to love and understand you and make you feel like you aren't alone.
I needed this 🥺 I love her more than anything, she's my world. I will always love her no matter what, through thick and thins. Even things get hard, I'll be there for her no matter what. Thank you so much 🤍
It's so hard because you want to help them and they push you away. All you want to do is love them but they put up barriers even when trying to understand.
I was in a weird situation. The person I love was going through an extreme state of depression/anxiety and I felt them pulling away. He was crying and told me he is in love with me but it’s best that we take a break… he said he’s coming back for me because I’m the one girl in his life that he loves… so I honored that. We hadn’t spoken for 10 months because HE said when his mind is better he will return to me. In the meantime I continued moving forward but everyday but a gosh damn struggle because I missed him so much😞 he just never saw that…. Because we were out of contact. All he saw was me being “happy”. Well at the 10 month mark I had to reach out. I missed him so much… the last time we had spoke, he was a ball of vulnerability- so tender and warm. He NEVER expressed this side to himself. 10 months later and when I reached out he was cold as ice. Even though he left the ball in his court to come back to me, I feel like he was hurt that I didn’t reach out. The night we last talked 10 months prior, he said everyone in his life abandoned him. so he probably sees it that I abandoned him too even tho I was just trying to respect his space. So I ended up telling him that my feelings haven’t changed and I still care so deeply about him. I told him that I didn’t reach out because I was honoring his space. I told him I missed him so much every single day, but I said that I respect if he’s moved on or met someone else….. he hasn’t responded to me and it’s been a day. I don’t know what to do because I feel hurt and forgotten too..::😞
Amanda, Im sorry you’re going through such sadness, I too am going through a similar situation with the man I love and is waiting in faith that he will soon return to me, I sincerely pray the same for you🙏🏽🙌🏼💕
You are doing too much to feel bad for him. And the idea that he will come back when his head is right is weak. I would feel extremely hurt if someone told me they feel entitled to me to the point where I should wait around for them whenever their head feels right. And doing exactly that and waiting for him is not practicing self love. It’s showing him that whenever he has a mental breakdown you will be there on the other side, which is not fair to you because it ultimately compromises your needs. And any person that cares about themselves doesn’t ignore their needs.
The fact that they don't talk to me brings me down, I'm overthinking like crazy. she says she needs a break...I may need to end it because it's messing with my health
same situation man,idk if she has depression but she is being followed by a therapist and the relationship is still being destroyed cause she treats me worse nad worse iam so sad
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. The overthinking and stress can definitely take a toll on your health, and the not talking can trigger so many doubts. What does your brain tell you when she won't talk to you? What do you think or fear? How do you feel in response? If you can start to track those thoughts and the specific things that trigger them (a look, a word, a silence in response to a question...) you may begin to notice some patterns in your own brain and emotions that will help you to take care of yourself and begin to feel better, even if she isn't able to connect with you right now. Ending it is always an option. Either way, I would encourage you to take a really close look at the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by your relationship. Even if you two aren't together, you're taking the underlying beliefs and emotional habits with you, and either way you'll need to work through them to find relief that lasts.
Unfortunately therapy doesn't always change the dynamic in your relationship. Do you have anyone you can reach out to for support? Or who can be with you in the sadness and help you get through it?
My ex was numb and left me because he couldn't feel anything, even love. It's hard but I can't stay with someone who so easily pushes me away. Even if he's depressed all I can hope is that he gets help.
That was the right choice. He won’t change. It’s not your fault. Often times these depressed people cause their own depression and are undercover drug users. They are weak. Weak people easily get addicted to self medicating themselves and push others away because they are hiding their addictions. I once dated a woman who was depressed and hid her cigarette smoking and drug usage from both of which are a no for anyone i would want to date
@@cjking4511again your are correct. My ex did not want me to see him without having weed in his system. And it scared me, knowing that he did not want me seeing the true him.
I feel this! I couldn’t stay with someone that was pushing me away a month and a half into a relationship. That means that the person that you presented me in the beginning wasn’t real.
Thank you for this, my boyfriend recently broke up with me and ive been extremely upset. I watched this video and realised what you was describing was exactly what he was doing. This calmed me down a lot
I'm so glad this video helped. If you need more support, I have a whole list of free resources you can find here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach my girlfriend been pushing me away now she been open up to me she was raped last week now she be talking to me how help her ??.
All the examples you gave is referring to my bf 10000%. We going to a have a talk this weekend about it, and to show him how I'm going to be there for him and work on my own emotional strength too. I love him so incredibly much, and I know when he says he's losing feelings that deep in his heart he doesn't mean that.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I'd like to offer you same perspective how to give your husband- What he's feeling, what he's thinking and what he's "going through" is not about you. It is not your fault. If something you say or do triggers a reaction in your husband, that is his. Someone else may respond in a very very different way. In fact they would. I work with a lot of different people and a lot of different relationships, and I can tell you that 4 people in four marriages with four different partners who struggle with depression all react in four very different ways. You are not your husband's problem. His suffering is caus ed by long-held systems of belief and habits of emotion. Things you do or say may trigger those old patterns to come up for him, but that is nothing to do with you. That is his. Likewise your emotions and your thoughts are your responsibility. And that includes your guilt. I would encourage you to take a really close look at that feeling of guilt. What are the thoughts connected to it? From what you wrote imagine it's something like "I'm a bad person for putting him through this" or "this isn't fair for him"... Is it something like that or is there something else there? The next step is to witness, in a deeply honest way, what you do out of guilt. How do you act? What do you say? What do you not say? How does the thought and the emotion affect the way you show up in the world? Is it serving you? Relationships are incredibly powerful because, when we are able to be vulnerable with each other and reach for each other and sit with each other in our pain and suffering and fear and doubt, there is space for healing for both parties. However it is unrealistic to believe that two people will always be able to both reach and respond. Both actions involve so much risk, and we are all dealing with deeply ingrained habits and patterns of attachment and defense. That doesn't mean we can't love and live and grow together. It does mean that you do not need to take responsibility for your husband's experience, and he doesn't need to take responsibility for yours. In fact trying to do that actually makes it harder for you to be there, for you to reach or to respond to him. I hope that this is helpful. The intention behind these videos is certainly not to add to anyone's suffering.
Thank you Rachael. The guilt and shame definitely doesn’t help when I am already depressed and anxious. I realise that we’re both responsible for our own emotions. The guilt I think I’ve been feeling since I was a small child, definitely thoughts of ‘I am unworthy of his love/love in general’, ‘I am a bad person and a selfish person for putting him and my son through this’, ‘what is wrong with me’, ‘everyone will be better off without me’ etc Appreciate this video to get a broader perspective.
@@courtneyyoungmusic I'm so glad it's been helpful. And it's wonderful that you can identify and track those thoughts and the feelings of shame and guilt that come along with them. The incredible thing about the human brain is it's plasticity - those thoughts, and those feelings, can change if you bring your attention and intention to them. The first step to doing that is to recognize and track them, which you're already doing 💚💚💚
I'm going through this rn. It's really hard and draining but as his partner, I should be strong and understand his issues and I believe things will get better soon.
I hear you. And I know you've heard this... but make sure you take time for yourself and get help where YOU need it (from friends, family, counselors, support groups etc). Supporting someone when they are struggling with depression can be so draining, and you are not doing him or yourself any favors if you are emotionally exhausted. This was something it took me a long time to realize - being strong sometimes means acknowledging your own pain and asking for help and support where you need it. It is not an easy thing to do. But it will make all the difference for you, which could make all the difference for him.
so this is how she felt … ever since she left i’ve been searching for a reason as to why. we were heavy on psychology while together so i figured psychology would lead me to the answer. i began to ask why she left. she told everything this video says. she felt unworthy of love. she felt like she was dragging me down. if only she knew.
I"m crying watching this. You're hitting the nail on the head here. My girlfriend has depression and I can tell she tries to be kind but she does push me away and I'm so sad that she's going through all this. Thank you for helping me understand better. I love her so much and wish there was something I could do to help her. But we don't live together so I don't really ever know when I'm being pushed away or if she's just busy. I think it's often her pushing me away though because when we do interact, it's very open and honest and loving. So I suspect she pushes me away to protect me when she's having a bad day. She told me in the past she doesn't want her sadness to rub off on me and she's apologized a few times for starting a relationship with me right before she went into a depressive episode because she feels guilty that we didn't have a lot of time to build a strong foundation. But then when things are good, they are so sweet and loving between us. I just want to ease her suffering. She doesn't deserve to be in all this pain. She's a precious soul and I'd do anything to help her if I just knew what that was. Fortunately my best friend of 43 years is a therapist who also suffers from depression so she's helped me navigate this situation a lot. I think I'm doing pretty good but it is so hard because it's my first time in 56 years to be with someone who has depression. I'm learning. I know I can't heal for her so all I can do is just show support and be there and be patient. So that's what I do. I just hope she remembers in her sad times how much I love her. And you're so right about love. I'm fortunate that I do love myself and am healthy in that way so I don't usually take it personally when she pushes me away. And I've noticed that I feel love based on how I'm doing, my own moods and life quality, so I try to keep myself in that good place so I can always shower her with as much love as possible. She's SO WORTHY OF LOVE
Thank you for this video... THANK YOU.. I am currently watching this everyday to remind myself that my partner pushing me away isn't about me.. ill love him no matter what and it does really hurt a lot of the time but I'll be there to support him and show him that I won't allow his illness to push me away.. he has moments of clarity where he says how much he loves me and I hold on to those moments.. Thank you, Rachel.. Thank you Rachael...
Thank you so much Rachel, this really helps. My son is going through depression with some delusion present. When I am with him I get glimpses of how he was and he hugs me and wants me around, but then he remembers that “he is hideous garbage “ (his words), and he pushes me away, doesn’t want me around so calls me some awful names. I love him with all my heart and will always support him but how do I get him to understand he needs professional help for his illness? He will not take this on board at all.
Oh i can't imagine having a child who hates themselves. Omg that makes me so sad. And you know what's hard tho, I don't have the same sympathy for someone I am dating that has depression, he makes me nuts, pisses me off, and the very way he deals with his bullshit plays on every insecurity I have. He's bringing me down
@kencarey6483 0 seconds ago My partner and I are are both divorced and have now been together for 4 years .. her past life and past marriage have caused her trauma . She is on medication for depression/ anxiety .. her mom passed 1 year ago ,her sons are going away to college, she will have to move out of her home of 15 years and find a new job .. she is having panic attacks, has begun to question ( negatively) everything including my children and my long term status and plans for our future . Almost as if she wants to push me away , she makes statements like “ everyone is leaving “ everywhere I step is a landmine “ I love her with all my heart and do not want her isolating and believing there is no hope and possibly no future with us . I’m guessing this is her way of coping with her grief and depression. Any thoughts or strategy would be helpful
Thank you. I am there. I am sinking into a place of self-loathing because my girlfriend is pushing me away. She says she loves me, but ceases all contact with me often. I feel as if she'll be better off without me. I will follow this great insights. I truly love her and want to remain with her and for her.
I cannot ever thank you enough for this video. You've saved my sanity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm crying with a smile while I'm typing this comment. I wish you the best as you've saved me. ❤️
Some people who are prone to depression are short on vitamin D3 and C.Get a label for the cause there are lot’s of good medications that can lift people out of their depression. It’s vital to get him or her help especially when they feel suicidal. Never assume that threats of suicide are just threats get help quickly. Get out of the house go for walks in nature. Encourage him to go to bed at a reasonable time and to get up early. Try to keep active and positive.
Yes thank you I think my ex thought I was being manipulative by talking about how I was feeling suicidal. I was serious because I was at a point of complete crisis and was panicking. Needed to be out in nature and taking magic mushrooms!!
He told me to focus on myself and my kids. He stopped telling me he loves me 😔, he stopped calling me, or texting me. Yet says he does not want me to go away... It's damn hard 😭😭😭
My Girlfriend and close friend of 10+ years is struggling so bad with her mental state as of late. I know she loves me but I also know this is really hard for her and I’ve been struggling to try to understand and not feel hurt by everything she does. Watching this has me in tears putting me into perspective. Words can’t express how thankful I am ❤️
I'm very glad to hear this video was helpful for you, and I'm very sorry that you're going through such a painful time. I know it can be really lonely and isolating to be in your position, and I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone. This page has a set of resources that you might find helpful, and also some information on a group program that's starting up in February for people who love a depressed partner. Having support around you (and people who get what you're going through) can make a big difference. If you check out the resources, I'd strongly recommend trying out the exercises listed for a week or ten days. www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I was depressed and completely disconnected to my partner. I would come home and play video games to disconnect from life. She left me 4 months ago because she said I felt like I didn’t want her and she didn’t matter. I just wish she understood she was all I wanted. Just knowing she was there
Thank you so much, for this I felt so scared when he said he has thoughts of harming himself. He came in when I was still crying and I told him I was so scared and he agreed to get help and I thanked him so much for it.
The more I research the more I understand. It started a month before she pushed me away. She became very distant and seemed cold and depressed when I was around her (She didn’t have the same energy and mostly laid on the couch and didn’t say much to me) She would say things that made no sense because we had an amazing 11 months together never having a single argument. She told me towards the end I know you can feel me slipping away from you. She said “I want to “want” to be with you but I don’t at the same time. It was almost like she knew exactly what was happening because she’s gone through this before in the past? She would the say random things in a push/pull manner almost as a test to me in which normally I just gave her confident/comforting responses until she just completely pushed me away one day after saying she needed a break: 1. I love you but I’m afraid of commitment and afraid to fail so I always have my running shoes on with one foot out the door. 2. I love you but I’m not in love with you but then 2 days later be back to normal saying I love you. 3. I need to miss you to know if I want to be with you. 4. I don’t feel I’m worthy of love or trust. She even posted a picture of her with a painting she made saying that exact thing after she pushed me away. 5. Talking about it won’t fix things (After she pushed me away). You need to focus on making you happy while I do the same. 6. I am tired of our relationship running constantly through my head….it is driving me crazy…I am too busy working (workaholic) and I don’t have time for you or nobody. Reality is she was using work and her community volunteer meetings as a way to keep space from me. I told her many times I don’t require much attention being secure. Seeing her 2 maybe 3 times per week was completely ok because when we were together it was great. The first 15 days I made all the dumb mistakes after she just told me she just needed space to think and she told me to stop….It’s just pushing her further away. Now I email her in a secure confident manner and even told her there’s no hard feelings, I’m here for you when you’re ready (She hardly ever responds to me). I know in my heart she loves me, I could see it in her eyes when I confronted her the day she text me she needed space. It’s difficult being secure but anxious because I want her back this second. I try my best to have patience, give her space, and time for “the cake to bake” but it sucks! Some say I should do NC, some say send her messages of reassurance I am but don’t flood her with messages, other tell me to give up and move on. I am the type of guy that can get a date in 2 hours if I try but I don’t want to. Hell, my ex wife came running back to me the second she found out I was single again. I am just so hooked on my DA gf and want her back. On day 60 of the breakup. It could be 2 more months before she misses me! Not sure what to do..😣. Not impacting my mental health. I am have a blast hanging with friends but I miss her constantly.
Hi Bob, it is amazing, you write word by word what has happened to me with my girlfriend in the past three month. At least I know that I am not alone in this, and it is not my fault. I have been with her almost five wonderful years. Now I date another girl for a month, but I miss my girlfriend 24/7. Looking on the good, since the breakup I have done so much self growth and learned so many new things... Sending you all the best. Be strong.
Thank you for this video! My boyfriend and I have had a healthy relationship for over 3 years. No arguments, both on the same page of having a future together and great communication. Out of left field he told me he doesn’t feel anything for me and doesn’t know how his feelings just disappeared. He isn’t feeling himself and is so overwhelmed by life and taking care of his parents that he feels unstable and numb. We agreed to keep in contact while I’m in grad school but once I went away he hasn’t responded to my texts or called me back. We both are in therapy separately but it gets harder the longer he doesn’t contact me back. He did tell me he just needs time. I just don’t understand how he wants to spend the rest of my life with me to someone who feels numb/depressed and doesn’t seem to consider me even as a friend. It’s weird how people going through this can suddenly be unrecognizable. I feel like I’m waiting in the unknown of having my heart being broken.
I am so sorry you're going through this pain right now. You're right that someone you love can suddenly seem like a different person entirely! It is disconcerting and tends to trigger every deep fear, inner doubt or self conscious belief we hold. You might find this page helpful. At the top is a pdf file with resources that you can use to supplement therapy. Further down it also describes a coaching program that I offer which is designed to help you navigate exactly this kind of situation. www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom I hope you find the resources helpful. If you'd like to discuss the coaching program you're welcome to email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Hello ! I hope you are well. I wanted to know how things went with your boyfriend? My situation is very similar, we were happy together and in a few days he left me... he doesn't know why but he doesn't feel his love feelings like he used to... he's been suffering from apathy in general for 6 months now too... I sincerely hope things are better on your side ❤️
@@lraedr7328 its been a month for me , i quickly watched those kind of vidéos but … im suffering, it came out of nowhere Its killing me , she push me away i dont know … its so hard
I'm only 3 minutes in and it's already spot on. Both me and my ex deal with severe depression and anxiety. That mixed with the long distance caused her to break up last week.
Thanks Rachel, you're a great human being. Know that I'm a husband and I'm the one depressed and watching this cause I fought with my wife. But I am constantly trying my best to work on my issues. So I can live a fulfilling life beside my partner. God bless you both.
Thank you for the kind words Pandan. I love that you are doing your own inner work and are committed to creating a fulfilling life with your wife. Just so you know... the "two things to know" in this video go both ways. You are not responsible for what your wife thinks or feels, and those thoughts and feelings aren't actually about you (even if she says they are!). I know from talking to my husband that the partner who is depressed can feel terrible if they believe their depression is hurting the person they love the most. Don't take that on yourself. Your wife's thoughts and feelings about your depression and it's effects on your relationship are HERS, not yours. They are her responsibility. This work is so powerful, because it really only takes one partner. If either partner is able to hold space for the other person's experience, without judgement, with compassion and with curiosity, it can transform the relationship. But it isn't possible to hold that space if you are taking responsibility or blaming yourself for the way the other person feels. When we do that, we get caught up in our own experience of guilt, shame, frustration or defensiveness, and we can no longer be a truly empathetic ear for our partner. It is beautiful that you are making the effort to care for yourself and strengthen your marriage. Your wife is lucky to have you. 💛💛
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach wow I don't know where to start thank you Rachael! I truly take that response to heart, and pray it works. I know that it's hard for her too, bearing the weight. But I agree the more I keep beating myself up in agony and guilt the more I start to feel worn down in my self-esteem... Again I'm truly grateful for the personal response back to me. I pray and wish both you and your husband good health and blessings. Ameen/Amen
This video on one hand is helpful, But it ignores the fact that some of their behaviors are emotionally abusive to the other person. No one is obliged to put up with any sort of abuse. I definitely think self love is important in doing your own work, But we need to address boundaries for the partner and when to decide to protect themselves instead of enabling or excusing continual bad behaviors. This is coming from someone who is both on the giving end and receiving end of it.
Yeah I'm seriously struggling with my bf who apparently is depressed..seems like selective depression to me and it makes me so angry. I hate him, I want to help him and then I think its really unmanly and weak. Gross like get a life, get help. I've tried the empathetic route, I get nothing and I'm not okay with that anymore.
@@shanagries6457 I'm sorry that you have to know what that pain is like. It's so ugly, messy, and easier said than done when you're trying to figure out where the line is. That's something I hear from others all the time.
I agree, but to a full extent you can’t take a depressed partner do anything. And ultimately , I think the only thing you can do in the end, is eventually leave. Talking to a depressed partner is in a sense talking to a brick wall.
@@shanagries6457girl because it is weak. I was in a relationship with a man that flat out told me he didn’t want to converse in person because he flips out and can’t not flip out. Like ew. Where is the grown person that doesn’t take things to heart and understands adult conversations are needed. It just made me feel like his inability to actually converse was such a huge downfall to our relationship. It felt super uncomfortable being around him after a while because I felt like I was sitting in a relationship with a person that overall had no interest in me, but wanted me around for the sake of being the one person that stays for his misery.
@@ashley684 it's the same person that would rather excuse my language but jer$off to narcissistic attention seeking whor@s online than have a real relationship. These are betas and no more, I'm done. And since he broke up with me(and I should have been the one doing the breaking up bc I am amazing and he sucks) I've caught him in so many lies and messed up things all in the name of depression..gtfoh hell 👎
Thanks for making this video. It helps me understand my situation a bit better. Two weeks ago my boyfriend told me he has severe depression and that he’s seeking help with therapy. But he needs to do it alone because he doesn’t know how long it will take him to get better and don’t want to give me false hope. It hurts that I can’t be there for him when he needs me the most and I’ve been trying to understand him better. I don’t know if I should keep trying to reach out or to leave him alone. I’m torn.
I know how hard this situation is. Do you respect his wishes, or do you reach out and let him know that you're not giving up on him? There is no simple answer. If you reach out he may interpret that as a sign that you care and feel supported, or he may think that you want love and support from him that he can't give and feel overwhelmed or worthless. You can't control his reaction or his feeling because it is based on his thoughts, and his thoughts are being influence by feelings of depression. I would encourage you to take this time and turn inwards. When you don't know what to do, ask yourself what is it that you are hoping to feel? Anytime we want to take an action it's because we want to feel better. Focus there. What do you feel that you don't want to feel? What are you trying to feel? You can't control his reaction, but you can work with your own emotions to find peace. From that place the actions you take will become clearer.
Thanks for this video! A friend of mine, whom I really really love, suffers from depression. She pushes me away for more than a year now and it's really hard sometimes. But at that point, I try to remember those things that she said (what you've also stated in this vid), that there's nothing about me. I hope, she can heal and in the meantime, I will have the courage to be with her. It's hard to be "strong" in these covid days and being fine with myself. It's so exhausting. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!
Thanks for the kind words! You are right, it can be really hard to be there and be with someone through depression and not take it personally. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job 💚💚 If you find you are getting exhausted, that can be a sign that you are staying strong by denying or avoiding some of your own emotions. Pay attention to your body, it is wise! Staying strong and trying to be fine with yourself sometimes means that we forget to honor our own anger, grief or regret. Those emotions need to be allowed and processed so you can truly rest and heal yourself. A good way to do that is to ask yourself what positive thing that emotion wants for you (usually safety or love) and then to intentionally allow it to be present in your body, while honoring the positive intention. There are a lot of good exercises to help with this, one of my favorites is the RAIN technique (a quick google brings it up!). I'd encourage you to make some time in your day to do that or another tool that works for you, so you don't burn yourself out supporting your friend.
Thank you for your answer! I'm about to find out how to take of myself also and set boundaries. I'm doing meditations, I'm doing excersises (running and walking), I'm cutting myself from those who such out my energy (not the depressed one) and the most helpful is that I'm also seeing a therapist. I hope we will manage to overcome this situation. This pandemic situation for a year now is hard to cope with. God bless you for your videos and keep going to post them! :-)
@@Dorcz I have a friend. We know each other since 5/6 years old. After high-school things got worse for her especially with her studys at UNI and and her relationship with ther parents. She started distancing herself to the point we did months to see her. It's been 6/7 years she is like that we are 25yo now. How many years a person can live like that without trying to change?
Thank you for making this video. I really needed this. My husband has been battling depression for almost a year. And you have validated everything about our relationship for me. I couldn't stop myself from crying because of the realization.
Hi Athena, I'm so sorry you're going through that, it is so hard. Please check out these resources, they may help further: Resources: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
My wife for 4.5 years wants divorce, she was diagnosed with clinical depression, she took medications and therapy for 1 month and started feeling better, me on the other side worked on myself and got her back for two months, she had stopped seeking the any form of therapy then because I was back in her life again and she was happy, now it relapsed and first thing she did was put the blame on the marriage and me. I am exhausted and hurt. I can put up with her issues even if she refused any therapy for rest of her life, All i want is to not blame the relationship and me for her unhappy state. That's all. Now I am obliged to go through paperwork and give her what she wants, so she realises one day again when it relapses that I or the our relationship was not the reason for her mental illness. I still love her but wanted to hate her for my closure, but I am unable to do so, it's even more painful. Your video actually help me understand and my therapist is saying the same. Thank you Rachel.
I'm really glad it was helpful. It can be such a struggle not to take words like that personally. When you hear it from your partner on a regular basis it is difficult not to internalize it. How are you doing now? Is there anything that has helped you with the feelings of guilt?
Just wanted to come in the comments and say these videos have been very helpful. I’ve been struggling with communicating my love to my partner recently and she says almost identical things to these videos and react the way not to react almost every time. I’m going to be working on this so I can support her better but it’s nice to finally have someone explain it to me because I’ve never been able to understand it like this.
This is happening to me right now. My boyfriend hasn’t talked to me much and we haven’t seen each other at all in a week. He told me a few days ago that he was depressed and wanted to be left alone. As much as it pains me to do so I’m doing my best to not bother him so it doesn’t make things worse for him. I’ve told him I’m here and I love him and I guess that’s all I can do
This is such a hard place to be in. Something I do with my clients in these situations is help them get really clear on what they can and cannot control. You cannot control his feelings of depression. But that doesn't mean that what you say or do doesn't matter. It does. Humans are hard wired for connection. Sometimes our emotions feel too overwhelming, alien or unbearable to imagine sharing them with others, and we want to be alone. But even then we really do want to be seen, heard and connected. With this in mind, I do believe it is helpful to continue to offer your presence and support, even if he ignores it. It sounds like you have done that, and I would encourage you to continue to let him know you care and are there if he wants company. To do that without putting pressure on him, you have to genuinely be okay with whatever answer he gives you (that's where your own emotional work comes into play!). Often when someone is struggling with depression it is hard to be with other people because they either feel like they are bringing the other person down OR the other person wants to "fix" them. This is why I think it is so valuable to do your own emotional work to get calm, clear and grounded. From that place you can be with him (or offer to be with him) in silence, a gentle, relaxed presence that doesn't take his behavior personally or put any pressure on him to change When we can get to that place, we are able to offer the most profound kind of accepting support that one human can offer another. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job already. Stay with it. Process and acknowledge your own emotions. Getting calm, relaxed and centered yourself is the very best way to support him.
The reason for her breaking up with me is bc she said that she’s going through a dark place rn and needs time and space to figure some things out alone . I didn’t make things better bc I spammed her trying to reassure her I’m here and that I’m here to help and that we don’t need to break up (we can get through it together). Pretty much, after getting blocked on everything except iMessage, I realized that me begging her to open up to me isn’t gonna get us anywhere so I left it off with “ok I’ll give you your space” . I think and people I’ve talked to think I should give her space and NOT hit her up first. We think that if she wants us to work in the future and I think if she wants to talk things out so maybe we can get together again, she needs to kind of put a bit of effort to communicate . Should I give her space until she hits me up or should I lightly check up on her to let her know I’m still here? It’s confusing because this treatment and being left on delivered came out of nowhere and since she doesn’t wanna talk, I don’t rlly have a grasp on the situation and it just feels like she’s giving up on us
I’m going through the same situation with you,we known each other for over a year but it’s one side love from me, right now I’m giving him the space that i think that he needed…thanks to her video I feel so much peaceful now, like, i get that the treatment is for our self-love but idk I having this feeling of fear that while i was trying to heal myself he is gonna give up and shut everything down and it’s really hard since it’s long distance relationship. We only know each other and hang out through phone…. It’s really hard
She always has these episodes where she says she doesn't want to talk to me and that she's sad it idk if she's losing her love for me or if she's depressive someone please help because when she's happy she's so attached to me and i love it but she turns into a whole different person at times and it like I'm speaking to a stranger someone please help me on what to do
Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Especially the part about being able to sit with myself and the part about the apathetic feelings. I have a terribly critical inner voice and everyday that I try to be with him is an affront to myself because now I feel I am the one undeserving of his love. Your video reminded me of the reasons why I haven't and won't be giving up on him. That I can love him quietly from afar when he pushes me away and be ready to embrace him when he is in a better place.
Thank you so much! This brings a new perspective that gives me clarity and comfort. Learning to support my partner with this illness is very new and I’m learning a lot. I appreciate your help 💛
You are so welcome! I am thrilled that these videos are helping and bringing you comfort. I hope above all that you see that you are not alone. I am here with you. The other viewers are here with you. There are so many of us learning to support their partners and going through the highs and lows alongside you. And there is so much room to learn and grow through the relationship you're in, if you can support yourself and ask for help when and where you need it. It is very normal in our modern society to expect our romantic partners to be "everything" to us. But the truth is that we are social beings, who need a sense of connection and support that comes from interacting with others who are available, responsive and empathetic. Any single human can't be those things all the time. Some days we're too tired, or too stressed, or too hungry! And a human who is depressed usually can't be those things for you when the depression is present. That's why having other people in our lives is so important, in any relationship, and especially when you are supporting a depressed partner. And it's okay if those other people are folks you chat with on TH-cam like me :) Whenever you notice yourself feeling drained, find a way to connect (online, on the phone, in person or even through mediation, prayer or spiritual connection) and remind yourself that you aren't alone. You've got this. 💚
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachthank you so much for this. It was so eye opening. Even as someone who struggles with depression also - the experience is different. Wow. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! My Boyfriend and I broke up recently, His depression is getting worse. He felt he wasn't being fair to me, and that I deserve someone who isn't battling all the things he is. He's in therapy now. We broke up so he could protect me from himself. He's worried if I stay close to him that when he hits his breaking point he will hurt me and ill walk out of his life forever. It's hard seeing the toll its taking on him. How happy we were together, and knowing he feels guilty for us being apart and how much that choice hurts him. I promised him I'm not gonna walk away, that I want to stay and support him through it all. But he doesn't seem to believe me sometimes and it really hurts :( he tells me he doesn't mean to push me away and that he's not trying to but at times it feels like he is.
Hi Rachel, thank you for making this content. My heart is shattered. I was dating an amazing man for a couple of months. I felt our connection at the beginning even though we were in a long-distance relationship but we eventually lost our connection when his depression started to become worst. I took the initiative to find a therapist for him and he appreciated it. He was excited to start his therapy because he wants to get out of his situation but he suddenly became hesitant to seek professional help when he heard from someone that it's not working. I did my best to convince him but he refused it. So, I contacted his sister to let her know what he's been going through and to help me encourage him to seek professional help. When my ex knew it, he became mad at me for informing his sister. He regrets that he told me about his depression, and telling his family about his problem made him decide to break up with me. It hurts me a lot and I hope he will reach out one day.
From one compassionate "fixer"-type to another, your pain is valid, but it's important that you consider/acknowledge that you seriously hurt him by betraying his trust. He did nothing wrong by drawing a boundary with you, regardless of how much you happen to feel hurt about it. I'm hoping you understand that, but from the text of your comment I don't see an indication that you do -- it sounds like you're characterizing yourself as having been wronged and not recognizing that you wronged him and his response was reasonable -- so I felt obligated to raise the point just in case it's something you haven't yet realized. It's counterintuitive, but our desire to help others comes with the dangerous pitfall of _assuming that we know what help others need._ It's taken me many years and many mistakes and a lot of hard work to understand this, but betraying someone's autonomy like that is incredibly disempowering to them, regardless of how supportive we intend for it to be. Impact is more important than intent. And if someone doesn't have ownership over their healing, they can't really heal. A relationship with someone who makes choices like you made (and like I too used to make) is actually legitimately harmful to people who are struggling. Codependency is toxic, and it's something people like you and me have to put in lifelong work to heal in ourselves so that we can relate healthily to others. I hope this is useful to you or some other reader.
This is life changing for me, my husband with PTSD just left our family and is saying I can't support him and we need to divorce seemingly out of nowhere. Just wow, helps me go on and bare this for now.
I have no partner anymore because she was depressed. She did exactly this and pushed me away. I let her. You can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to keep you.
She did want to keep you and probably really loved you. I’m sorry you feel this way but you’ve misunderstood the situation she was fighting a war in her head and didn’t feel deserving of your love
@@hummingbird4934 thanks for you words. But i wouldn’t say that i misunderstood the situation. I had a pretty good idea of what was happening. You can only do so much. I didn’t blame her, walked and never looked back. However that did not make the decision any easier.
I did the same thing. I took a step back and let my depressed partner take the wheel for a week. Absolutely nothing to offer. And while I do feel for his depression, I can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to fight for a relationship. Absolutely pointless.
I was basically forced out my own relationship by my ex. One day we had a fight, a rather small one, he just ceased all contact. Came back after two weeks to give me closure, telling me that he is not ready for a relationship and left again.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Loving someone with depression can be incredibly challenging, especially when they push you away despite your love for them. It’s important to remember that depression often creates barriers that make it difficult for your partner to connect or even recognize their need for support. Your love is a beautiful thing, and offering patience and understanding is key, but it’s also important to take care of your own emotional well-being. If you're feeling overwhelmed, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass. It’s designed to give you the tools to navigate these tough situations and support both yourself and your partner as you move forward in a healthy way. You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register Sending you strength and clarity as you navigate this.
My bf and I were living together, he told me he was getting depressed & he needed his space to “fix” , “find hik send again” he told me he feels empty and sometimes doesn’t feel anything at all and high anxiety. But he knows he loves me and that I deserve so much more and that I’m beautiful inside and outside. I moved out and we were talking every day all day & it was just a lot for both of us so now he will just give me updates and try to communicate with me because I deserve more he says. But sometimes I wonder if he will come back or if he will even want to be together after. He told me once he is better she will show up on my door with a ring. But sometimes I feel like he is pushing me away so far that he will end up forgetting about me too. I love him so much and I really see who he is even at his worst he is such a great man. But I will be very hurt if he comes out okay and decides he doesn’t want this anymore. He told me if it’s less than a year he will reach out if I’m still single, if it’s longer he won’t because it’s not fair. How long can it take? I feel like he’s also doing soul searching because he feels so disconnected with who he was before and wanting to give he says he doesn’t even feel like giving anymore or anything alike and has no purpose anymore.
Thank you for sharing this. "You can love them" made me well up with tears (because I felt so grateful to hear someone else sharing my perspective on that), then hearing your personal anecdote took my tears even further lol. You deserve a lot of good things, I can tell from your intelligence and empathy.
Dominic, Thank you for watching. I'm so glad to hear that this video helped, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it can be so painful. Hang in there, and stay connected to yourself! This page has a list of resources that you might find helpful as you navigate this with your friend: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
My girlfriend is currently so depressed after her dad committ suicide because of depression.we were together almost two years. After her dad suicide she tond talk to me even dont text me. Worst part is now she is in brazil and I'm in japan .. she ask me to break up with her and move on .. I really love her but I couldnt do anything for her 😥
Thank you Rachael, I’m going through this right now with my significant other. Watching this video really helps me. Self care- don’t take it personal. Ty!!!
You're welcome! Both self care and don't take it personally can be easier said than done... if you'd like some additional support, this page has some more resources you might enjoy! www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
She blocked me changed her phone number two years ago then talked to me once in this period to check on me called me 3 times from masked numbers but i did not saw one the other one was too late and one i answered but was not alone so could not speak. But i don't live in the same city with her so this is really hard i don't have a way to contact her.
Like many of the other people commented, recently my girlfriend broke up with me and I recognize many of the points you mention. My view on the situation was completely wrong and I'm unsure what to do now. I want to approach her because I care about her and want to support her through it still. Just unsure about the words I should use, because I'm scared of causing her more harm. This video has been very helpful in understanding a little bit of what a depressed partner goes through, (altho she isn't anymore, but was it because of the depression? I don't know). Thank you regardless and I wish all the best to everyone else and their partner who are going through similar things! Thank you!
Hi Daniel, I'd encourage you to worry less about the specific words you use and focus instead on being curious, compassionate and honest. Keep it simple. Say what you mean (you can even say that you're scared of causing more harm and ask her to help you by telling you if your words aren't helping), and notice when your own defenses are being triggered (and if they are, just say so and ask for a moment to calm them down). If you can show up and hold a space that is loving, curious and open, the words will come.
@kencarey6483 0 seconds ago My partner and I are are both divorced and have now been together for 4 years .. her past life and past marriage have caused her trauma . She is on medication for depression/ anxiety .. her mom passed 1 year ago ,her sons are going away to college, she will have to move out of her home of 15 years and find a new job .. she is having panic attacks, has begun to question ( negatively) everything including my children and my long term status and plans for our future . Almost as if she wants to push me away , she makes statements like “ everyone is leaving “ everywhere I step is a landmine “ I love her with all my heart and do not want her isolating and believing there is no hope and possibly no future with us . I’m guessing this is her way of coping with her grief and depression. Any thoughts or strategy would be helpful
See this why videos like this aren’t always good because in the reality of things, there’s nothing that you can do to change what that person is feeling. No words will change anything. A different approach doesn’t change the fact that this person probably wouldn’t treat you the way you would want to be treated anyways. Usually people with depression have a multitude of exes that did things differently and look where they are at now. Don’t blame yourself or your raw approach to a person that in the end is showing signs they need professional help and not a relationship. There is no hidden evidence in this video, that this lady is even experiencing relationship happiness even with the current approach she is talking about. It seems like just a prolonging process of ending something that needs to be ended eventually. Especially because no amount of self love can change the fact that you have needs in a relationship, and not having needs met can allowing it to, is not practicing self love in itself. Unconditional love does not mean, staying with someone that is not making you happy. Sometimes unconditional love is loving someone from a distance, leaving them without blaming them, and making sure that the people around them like family is aware that they are struggling with this.
My girl got depressed out of the blue. One day she woke up and boom, mood change. We went to her mom’s for dinner and she didn’t come home. 2 months have passed and no communication really. A week after that dinner, I stopped at her moms and asked what’s going on, she said that we r ok and she isnt discarding me. She said that she needs to work on her mental health, her therapy, get her meds right. Up to that point she wasn’t taking them regularly and it was an issue. She is BP1. She doesn’t even want a cell phone at this time. Her mom and I talk once a week, a simple check in. Her b day was in September. I got her gifts, her mom came and got them. She loved all of them. She didn’t thank me. It’s ok tho. She left clothes and personal items at the house with me, even her dog is here. I’m giving her the space she is asking for. It’s so hard because I have my own anxieties at times… I miss her so much. Any input?
I also this past year have been in my own therapy and have been in the gym for myself and for her and I….. to create and healthier environment for the two of us. It has worked.
Continue to be strong. Love is worth fighting for. Especially when you share. A beautiful connection with someone. That can not be replaced. With someone else. She will return to you. Better than she was.
@@LovingMe732 thank you… thank you for the kind words. I know she will. It’s so exhausting trying to explain the situation to people who don’t understand what’s going on. All ppl see is “she isn’t there why are you waiting” and they don’t understand how hard it has to be for her to leave her dog behind and her place of comfort behind to go to her moms to do this. She hasn’t checked in, not even on her dog. Her mom talked to her and she said “she isn’t mentally there yet” well let her be I said. Her stuff being here this long shows me that 1. She loves me a bough and trusts me enough to keep it here to take care of it. And 2. She’s definitely plans on coming back when she’s capable of handling a full blown relationship and all the responsibilities that it entails. 2023 was a lot for her. Her and her family need to heal together. So give them this time. She took herself out of our home to do this because say one day she’s feeling great and we have a great day together and the next few days she’s down, I may internalize that and she’ll have to pretend to show me it isn’t me and that’s draining and it’ll affect us. We don’t want that. I’m so very proud of her. What she’s doing needed to be done a long time ago. The girl has been thru a lot in her life. I was the first man to ever show her real true healthy love. I can’t abandone her now.
Thank you for this video. My boyfriend broke with me last month, he has been taking meds for years but he still managed to slip into depression due to high stress (finishing his Ph.D. another bachelor's and working) and it is still difficult and hurts like hell. Especially because we had the most beautiful relationship full of love and support. He told me he needs me to realize I didn't do anything wrong but that he needs to do this on his own, even though I said I want to be with him and help him. His exact words were: he doesn't want to drag me, he doesn't want to be a burden to me and when I said well I always had a possibility to walk away if this is too much he said yeah but I wouldn't want you to leave. This just showed me that he is afraid I will also leave and prob in the worst moment and he is also afraid he would sink into alcohol and drugs if that happened. We did decide we will stay in contact and talk 1 a week, after the breakup he initiated the contact, he called me a week later just to ask how I am, I wanted to talk about everything once more so we even met last week and it is difficult cause I love him and although he says he currently feels nothing and is completely apathetic, I still see the glimpse of love for me in him. And that kind of also hurts cause I want to help, but can't help, and he is kind of staying away and pushing away and I just want to be there for him even though we ain't together. I told my friend other days it would hurt less if he were an a***ole and cheated because like this I have no real argument to believe he will be better soon and even if he is, I don't know whether he will still love me after that and whether he would even want to go back together. And I can't even talk to my friends about it because everyone is like don't wait for him, continue with your life and I just want them to shut up and allow me to believe in him and in us and that we can somehow overcome this. I did focus on myself, that's the only thing I can do, I started doing sports, I'm doing a programming course, that gets my mind busy. I wrote him on Friday that he was never a burden for me and that he would never be that and if he needs me he can call me anytime. In the meantime I'm not contacting him, I'm trying to respect his decision that he wants to do this on his own and I'm giving him space. Doesn't feel like the right decision but it's the only one that I currently have at my disposal.
@@cocokiwi1998 Thanks. Its still the decision that I dont want and I still feel its wrong decision but I accepted it. We still talk to eachother once a week, he says he feels bit better and more stable. Lets see what time brings us.
Hey Pam, I'm currently going through something very similar as well..I had moved in earlier this year with my ex and a few months ago we had even adopted a cat together. Last month he broke up with me for pretty much the same reason you mentioned as well about the "dragging me down wants to be alone to do it on his own". It hurts because I do want to still be there for him too, even when my friends say I should just move on and that there are always more men out there. It gets frustrating to hear that and feel like no one else you're close with understands. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves right now is to continue getting emotionally stronger ourselves and to love them from afar for now and see where it takes us. We agreed to stay friends so I will continue checking in with him too. I made the hardest decision to leave our cat with him too, because I know how much joy the cat brings him and I know she will help in ways I can't. So far he's been telling me that the cat has been waking him up every morning and giving him a reason to get up early in the day. I saw him yesterday and it's only slight but I can see that he has a bit more energy and seems a bit more happier. Best of luck to you and others through this tough time x
I am sorry for what you're feeling, i know it sucks I've been suffering from the exact same thing for two years now and I don't know what to do God bless your loyalty and may you get back together very soon
@@elenang6244 thank you.I wish you also all the best. Im currently like you said, focused on me and loving from distance. We speak once a week, we will see eachother soon cause I need to give him some stuff back, everytime we speak I just encourage him and let him know im here for everything. More than that I cant currently do. Sending you lot of positive thoughts and energy.
I have four kids, small and older and my husband and I have been married almost twenty years. My husband was a heavy meth addict for almost all of our marriage. I worked pregnant with our kids, times he would take off and meet someone else and leave me and the kids stranded in old houses in the middle of the woods with no vehicle and no food, the girls were both babies in diapers and my mom lived with me and I would walk to town to get supplies and work and pay our bills...then he would want to come home, always sorry and always saying he was going to stop. I would believe him because I wanted to and I desperately needed the help. My husband lied and cheated on me for years..and I took it but it fucked me up in my head. We both started therapy while he was using and he would go but he didn't like that the therapist would place his actions on him, and not on me. To say the least I have been through hell. One thing my husband didn't do was beat on me, thank God. So now almost 20 years we are old now. I am 42 and the sole bread winner in our marriage. My husband is almost 50 and has been sober for a year. He is in no program and has stopped therapy and church. He is now in a deep depression. His depression is so deep that he is suicidal. He talks about it all the time. He once took a butcher knife and stabbed himself repeatedly when he was 25 and with his first wife. Her mother was a nurse and happened to come home early and found him and called an ambulance. So I do know he has it in him to do it again. He refuses to get help and tells me all the time that I am having affairs while I'm at work. He tells me he knows I don't love him after all the things he has done and he should die and stop being a problem..what is strange is the feelings I am having. I feel totally shut out from a person I have been through a lot of even trauma bonding with and codependency and life..I feel him constantly pushing me away and the whole time telling me it is my fault. I do not know what to do. This video helped me a lot. At this point I do these things. Don't say anything when he accuses me of stuff. I just say oh okay. I don't respond to any of the negative comments he throws at me through out the day. When he does stuff to get attention from me, like pack a bag, I just ignore it and continue in with whatever I am doing. I don't stop saying I love you even though he often won't say it back. I am trying to be normal in the abnormal and it's taking all of my strength. I used to look younger then my age and now my hair is falling out and training grey. Customers at my job ask me if I am okay and say I look tired. I am praying that this will pass and he will go back to being himself and sober but I have no support. I have been sucked dry from supporting another person and getting nothing back. My husband refuses to even meet any need I may have. If I say I need a hug he will refuse to hug me. I haven't been hugged by my husband for almost two months. He refuses to be close to me and refuses most nights to even sleep next to me, because all the affairs he claims I am having at work. I feel totally alone and in a marriage it's not like you can just go out and start dating to get your needs met. So I feel like there is a big wall between me on both sides and I'm stuck.
I was planning to leave my partner not because of her situation but because of all the hurts and reiection i'm experiencing with her,,the way she treats me compared to her friends is unexplainable. But when i hear and think of your advice hits me hard and realized what i was i'm thinking!? I'll try my best just to be by her side and to love her more without questioning myself worth and see where this relationship goes. Thank you and God Bless!
Wow the part that reached me was the self love part is the best way to love someone with depression. That was so beautiful n a great reminder.❤ Thank you
Thank you Rachael for this I really understood what was happening and you have just made me realise what was going on and made me wanting to stay by her side no matter what
My husband lost his best friend and brother hit while walking by a drunk driver, he had to pull him out from under the car. He is now very bipolar. He has told me the worst things about me. This was so good to hear because i know he loves me but h is hurting so bad. And yes i am a depressed person too so it has been a challenge.
Honestly, at what point is it ok to leave? Because most of this sounds like “you can love them no matter what.” While they make you feel unloved, and honestly, emotionally abused. Why would anyone choose that?
It's always okay to leave, at any point. That's actually the whole idea. There's not an amount of bad, abusive, depressed etc. that someone needs to be to justify you leaving. You can love someone, they can be an amazing person and you can choose to leave simply because you want something different for yourself and for your life right now. This idea that there is some objective point at which it is okay to leave a relationship wreaks havoc on so many couples. It leads us to villainizing one another so that we can feel justified in choosing a different path. You can always leave. And every day you stay you are actively making that choice. That is true whether you are married for 30 years or newly dating. Every single day you stay with a partner it is because you are making the choice to be there. And it is always okay to leave. You never need a "good enough" reason. This is your life. Only you get to choose how you live it.
You have to ask yourself if you can handle feeling unloved and emotionally abused. And most people can’t handle that, and they shouldn’t have to. Which is why when someone feels this way, it is better to leave it where it’s at. When I ended things with my ex, before I ended things I asked him if he wants to fight for the relationship, and he did not give me a yes or a no, but he gave me excuses. The excuses showed me that it’s not a yes, and because it’s not a yes, I’m out. I will not be the only one fighting for a relationship. I deserve a relationship where someone wants to fight just as hard as I do, because I know my heart is solid and someone should be able to meet me the same way.
Thank you so much for this video. I am currently experiencing this with someone who I love and it is terrible hard because he has completely shut down on me and won’t communicate with me. It’s confusing and hurtful because before the shut down things were going good for us. 💔
I am on the same exact boat. She shit down on me. She believes she is not worthy. Told me to move on with my life and be happy. She said she needs to heal on her own and that it has nothing to do with me and she still loves me.
Because the “everything was good” was fake on their end. Their good version of themselves was the most uncomfortable version of themselves. Once they get comfortable, they unmask and you have the real version of them which is not the person you fell in love with
Thank you so much for this video. My ex and I just recently broke up due to his depression and anxiety from both work and past life trauma. I tried so hard to support him but only realizing that I could not entirely fix this for him. We ended things because he needs to do the work himself without the pressure of being in a relationship with someone; to find and love himself first. We agreed to still support one another from a distance. I am nervous though continuing to hold onto the idea of us being together in the future.
@@sydneyvail7957 thank u, I have been talking here and there but it'll take her months to heal. I was thinking of backing up even more and text her funny stuff. I really want to try again, to decide if I should stay. I know it'll be tough without self-love, as said in this video
Funny stuff could cheer her up. But at the end of the day, you have to focus on you. If it's meant to be she will come back to you when she is ready. Can't force/speed it up and wait around.@@giancastillo2958
You're welcome. I'm really sorry you're going through this... it's so hard. But there is hope, and light and even love. It's around us all the time, even when we can't see it through the pain.
I’m going through the same thing with my partner she just went Mia a month ago she was being hot and cold towards me and I thought she was seeing somebody else. but I soon figured out she’s going through depression as well as other mental health issues I reached out to apologize for what I said and that I’ll give her space. It sucks that I want to be there for her but I know she’s going through a rough time in her life but I gotta do what I gotta do in my own life while she sorts herself out. I was wondering if I should reach out to on her birthday since it’s in two weeks or should I not bother?
That may be partially true but when you evaluate it objectively the questions remains are they really a nice person? Are they self medicating and hiding it? What value do they bring you? Life is too short to not enjoy happiness with a partner who genuinely wants to be happy with you. IMO you have to drop a depressed partner and date somebody you can build and grow with.
@@cjking4511I agree with this. My ex was bringing me nothing. And how did I figure that out? By stepping back and seeing what he personally does to help our relationship grow. And both of us figured out he has done nothing to make our relationship grow, he was hoping I could do all that work for him on his side, which is unfair to me because I did not get into a relationship to do the work of two people.
If you feel that you can be another persons downfall, then you shouldn’t be going for relationships. It means you are going into relationships thinking that another person with life problems can help you and your life problems. Very unfair.
@@ashley684and thats really the only ethical response. Doesnt mean you should live as a hermit, but you shouldn't be going into commited/romantic/intimate relationships. Absolutely agree Heads up though- you will stand out. You will be targeted and ridiculed because its not normal to be single
Thank you so much for making this video, you can't imagine how much it is helping me to cope with my breakup and to be strong. My boyfriend of two years break up with me a month ago and cut off all communication until today. He suffers from severe depression, plus we had a long distance relationship so the feeling of helplessness is even greater. I would like to let him know that I am still here with him but I am not sure if this is what he needs at this time? For now I am focusing on my own projects and learning to accept everything that has happened. Whenever I need strength to understand what is going on I come back to you video. Thank you.🧡
I wish my husband would understand that he can't fix this or help me with it. Its not his fault nor his responsibility. In fact, trying to cheer me up makes it worse. Either accept that I feel crappy, or protect yourself, but don't try to change the way I am. Let me express my feelings, even if it's awful.
And it’s not your husbands fault for feeling this way. He wants the person back that he fell in love with and you are ultimately not that person because of your own self.
I love this video. My depressed loved one, who I love sooo dearly, pushed me away, ghosted me for a long time, and now even blocked me. But I just know it's going to be alright again at some point. And I will go on loving him, even if I can not show it to him right now. He is the sweetest human being in the world, and his depression is not going to change that for me ❤
I'm glad these are helpful! And I'm really sorry that you're going through this. If you'd like some more resources you can find some here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom I'd also be happy to share some videos from a course I previously offered on this topic. If you'd like them drop me an email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
I needed to hear that. Especially after, forming a connection with someone. Who appears to be dealing with depression. A professional in being inconsistent and going mia. Withdrawing patterns and using their work schedule. As a way of. Shifting their thoughts elsewhere. The list goes on and on. The best thing I did. Was detach from him. I truly love and care for him. However, I love me more.
Oh gosh, I could've wrote this myself. We're going on two months of talking (neither of us are ready to be in anything serious though I'm open to something in the future) and now he's going through a bout of depression and withdrawing. I just don't think I could handle this as part of my life. I have enough ☹️
I agree with this. I think the lady in the videos approach is just prolonging something that is inauthentic essentially. While it’s never our fault, I don’t think the approach of staying and hoping self love will come along works. Especially when you are longing for a partner that shows up for you. Essentially you can practice all the self love in the relationship you will want, but in the end you are still met up with a partner that doesn’t want to show up for even themselves which makes it so hard to continue to try to do the whole self love thing while being in a relationship like this.
@@LovingMe732very much impossible to practice self love in a relationship like this. I had a person tell me today that relationships like this are 100%-0% ratio.
Hi! a new subscriber here. How to deal with all this in a long distance relationship? My partner was very loving. He has a tough job with extremely pathetic seniors that might be exacerbating his depression. Often times, it was hard for him to manage texting me but i appreciated his efforts. A week ago he went into depressive episode and he hasn't replied yet. I called him twice in between and he answered and talked and said he'll get back when he is fine but I'm worried because he hasn't been away for this long. In our last conversation i asked him to seek therapy but he believes that no one can cure him with therapy. He just had one session and never took again. He gets bout of anger and depression. His psychiatrist has given him some benzodiazepine because he is unable to sleep. I'm being very patient, even in days when i need him and he isn't there for me and I'm always motivating him and showing him love and care. What can be done in this case knowing that it's a long distance relationship?
Hey Aisha, thanks for subscribing. You're right there is something different when you're dealing with this in long-term relationship: You reach out and you get no response. This can be incredibly triggering for somebody in your situation. It triggers your fears of rejection, triggers fears of abandonment and it triggers a fear of being alone.
There is one thing I would strongly encourage you to do if you are in this situation in a long distance relationship. I would encourage you to find out who he has to support him wherever he is. This is especially important if he is suicidal. Does he have someone and/or a network of people that he can reach out to and rely on in a crisis? And I would encourage you to have some kind of connection with those people because that is a way for you to stay in contact with him when he is unable to respond to you. Otherwise, what you were experiencing is the same as if you were together physically. You reach out, he doesn't respond. He's under stress, he pushes you away. You are experiencing the same things you would if you were physically together, it just is exacerbated by the fact that you can't see him. As far as how to deal with this, you have to start by facing your own demons. When he doesn't respond, what comes up for you? How are you triggered? When you fear for him, what comes up for you? How are you triggered? I know that you want to help him and heal him. I want the same thing for my husband. And I can't tell you how difficult it is to admit that I can't do those things for him. What you can do and what you need to do is get square with yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? How do his actions or words trigger reactions in you? Do you like where you get when that happens? If not, where would you like to be instead? When you love someone who is fighting depression, you have to get incredibly clear about what you can and cannot influence, what you can and cannot control. If you do not get clear about that, you will find yourself fighting and struggling and feeling anxious about things you can't control, whether he is with you or 5,000 miles away. As much as I know you want to make a change for him, the place you need to start is within you. What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Can you order that? Can you understand that? Can you shift that in ways that serve you better?
Hello to whom it may concern I know of someone who helped me restore back my broken marriage and he can also help you ; he helped me bring back my relationship; he can also help you help you with your relationship problems
For those like myself (Major Depression. I don't have extreme up and downs like those with bi-polar it's always a gauge of lows.) it makes it worse when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Who due to their own traumas will reinforce the negative thoughts to help push the break up and bring their child back to them. Mother gloated about the break up for a decade throwing it in my face every chance she got. Though having my mom tell me nobody will ever love me except my mother was too much and has pushed me to put myself back out there. Been about 14 years since the break up with my ex. We have just started talking again. It hurts because I never quite got over losing her. We were two peas in a pod, the missing pieces of the puzzle. Our personalities aligned so much it was uncanny. The only person I ever felt I didn't have to hide anything about myself with. I miss them, but don't want to put them through that again.
I'm so sorry and feel like such a b**** for saying this. What I got from this video is loving someone who is not capable of reciprocating. I understand supporting someone who has depression just as if they would have a drug addiction or any other issue however at what point do you cut off and save something for yourself. Dealing with a depressed person after so long would have me feeling so emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically drained that is not fair to myself to continue to try and live my life with someone like this. The most you could do is help them get help so they can heal and have a healthy relationship. Maybe I'm not wording it right but dear depression would be harmful to you so why allow that for yourself? How do you set boundaries around something like this
Please don’t feel like a b***. I agree completely - in any relationship we have to be clear about our boundaries, both emotional and physical, and those lines can vary pretty dramatically from situation to with and from person to person. For example, my husband struggles with depression and has days where he can’t reciprocate. Yet he also has days where he is the most supportive, loving partner I could dream of having. I have chosen to stay in this relationship, in part because I do deeply admire my husband and in part because of the personal growth that has come as I’ve learned to set emotional boundaries. Some people may choose differently in the same circumstances. I have had clients whose spouses blamed them for their depression to the point of becoming abusive, and others whose partners followed depression into deep alcoholism that threatened the safety of their children. In those cases I almost always see them choose to leave the relationship. If you are like me, then we are lucky to live in a place and a time where always get to choose whether or not to stay in any relationship. As to how to set those boundaries… that can be a bit more complicated. In my experience the first step is finding emotional boundaries- not taking internal responsibility for how they feel, while taking ownership of how you feel. From that place you can choose to either leave or stay but do so without a lot of emotional drama or a need to villainize your partner. I hope this is helpful. Thank you so much for both watching and sharing your honest thoughts and concerns 🧡
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach How long are your husband's bouts with depression? For a lot of us, these deep episodes go on for MONTHS and maybe more than a year. I don't think any human being has the patience or reason for this.
@@inpropagation honestly it was pretty solidly horrible for about two years straight. We closed a business, lost our entire savings in a bad investment and moved four times... trying to find somewhere he would be okay. It didn't work. It's been about five or six years now since it really started to be bad, and he is finding his way out the other side now, though there are still some days/weeks that are difficult. It's different with everyone though. One thing my husband has never done is blame me for it, and honestly I think that's a big part of the reason I've been able to stay in the marriage and be with him as he finds his way back to life.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for your honest response. He is so lucky to have you. I hope things continue to get better! I don't live with my girlfriend and she has shut herself in away from everyone at her parents' house twenty minutes away. Not sure how long I can hang on for.
I’m only 41 seconds in. But I wanted to comment before I continue….. I keep pushing someone who I am so I love with, and now a few weeks ago we are pregnant. My depressed anxiety and the amount of trauma I’ve had it’s to protect myself. I’ve had to just now call it off and myself will book an appointment for termination. I don’t want to push him away or not have children. Well with him I wanted too! And was so happy. Maybe it’s the hormones as well but. I’d rather not hurt anyone by keep pushing certain people away or have a broken family ( nothing wrong at all I just know deep down I don’t think my head will let me ). I hope watching this will give me some insight into myself on the other side. Really don’t want to make any rash decisions ❤😔
I left my wife because of her depression. The adverse affect it had on her kids too... it was like living in a nightmare. Best decision I ever made. Life has been wonderful since.
I'm really sorry that you had such a painful experience. It sounds like you are doing well now and have been able to move forwards. Can I ask if any part of you feels somewhat unresolved around that relationship still? I only ask because you watched this video, and I wonder why?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach You nailed it. Unresolved. I was 42 and a year out of a 20 year marriage. Thats when "Mrs Right and Perfect In Every Way", entered my life. A total upgrade from the last. So I thought. 6-7 months later, by then living together (big mistake on me) the depression very slowly, began unfolding. I held on 5 years. And yes, the shunning away is absolutely what killed it. Even after a year of marriage counseling. We had more intimacy together in 1 week at the beginning, than the last year at the end combined. I believe my unresolved feelings had to do with "the idea". The honeymoon period. Hanging on in hope thar one day Mrs Perfect would return. I wanted her back so bad. But the woman I fell In love with wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She was a chocolate covered turd lol! Thought we could work through whatever. I was wrong. So, in self defense, we divorced 9 months ago.
This is a wonderful question. It isn't so much that they lose feelings _for you._ It's that they lose feelings. All feelings. They often experience an absence of emotion. They may say that nothing matters. That they can't feel anything. That they remember loving you but they don't feel love for you right now, or that they can't tell if they love you. This can be incredibly painful to hear, but it has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with their actual feelings for you. This is not an elegant metaphor, but perhaps it will help. Have you ever been horribly sick with a nasty cold or flu? The kind that knocks you out, so it's hard to even get out bed? When you are so drained, so empty and exhausted, and a loved one comes and tries to rub your back or say soothing things to you, you can't take it in. Maybe it's even irritating. You can't feel or touch a sense of love. You are exhausted. Drained by the act of simply breathing. It takes all of your energy just to be alive. There isn't room for emotions and you can't find them even if you summon the energy to look. When your partner is experiencing depression they are not healthy. They are not able to access or feel their love for you. They may be frightened by its absence. It is a very disconcerting thing to look inwards and discover that you can't feel anything. You want to. You want to feel the glow of love, the warmth of connection... but you can't find it and you don't know how to get it back. Yes, when they feel better, when they come out of a depressive episode, they will often be able to access those emotions again. But sometimes the experience of losing them for a time is very upsetting or disturbing. They may be afraid of hurting you if it happens again. There is no simple answer to your question. However, I think that is the very thing you need to understand. What they are experiencing isn't as simple as "I love her" or "I don't love her". It's not about you or even about your relationship. Your partner is struggling to access any emotions, and when they come out of it they may struggle to explain or make sense of the void they felt when they were depressed. It's really important that you get grounded and centered emotionally yourself, so that you don't take your partner's actions or words personally. Otherwise it is all too easy to get caught up in an emotional whirlwind yourself and end up exhausted or feeling broken down. When that happens you can't support them or yourself. How are you supporting yourself, emotionally? Are there other people in your life you can rely on and talk to?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach This reply helps me a lot. I feel like I finally have a better understanding of what my wife means when she says she doesn't feel anything or things feel different. The problem isn't me or that we got married. Because she can't feel anything she doesn't feel love for me. She cannot access that feeling. I only hope things will get better.
I am in a relationship with someone that I love more than my life itself, but I have watched as my depression has slowly destroyed the one thing that makes me feel something. We're still together, but the signs are there that I'm losing her. My self hatred and my belief that I don't deserve her love is really messing with my mind. This has happened to me before, and it's happening again. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I cant continue living this way anymore. I feel no emotion, I feel nothing. I have everything I could ever want, a family, a partner friends, and my health. But I feel that I am useless and that my existence is pointless. I don't know what to do anymore.
Me too. The safe place is just filled with arguments and sadness. I don't know why i try to save her all the time which i know i can't. I really love her more than anything. A part of her not able to express herself is hurting her too. I'm hurting myself so much by overthinking and worrying.
"you can love them no matter what... You still get to enjoy loving them, because love is not for them, it's a feeling you feel in your body.... But you're gonna have a hard time doing that if you haven't loved yourself first."
I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with cptsd. Spent my whole life fighting cptsd. I also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my wife recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly. 6 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms.
Hey mates! Can you help with the source? I suffer severe anxiety, panic and depression and I usually take prescription medicine, but they don't always help. Where can I find those psilocybin mushrooms? I'm really interested in treating my mental health without Rxs. I live in Germany don't know much about these. I'm so glad they helped you. I can't wait to get them too. Really need a reliable source 🙏
YES very sure of Dr.alishrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, BPD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
How do I reach out to him? Is he on insta
Yes he's Dr.alishrooms. My daughter did straight shrooms in few days. Made her whole! after words, no more addictions, pains, ptsd and depression. It helped us.
So many people are saying this... i wish there were readily available in my place. My partner is currently in an in-patient rehab for a perc/caine addiction. He still smokes cigarettes and now has taken up hookah vaping in there. He's looking for a proper reset treatment. I believe shrooms will help him this is something I will definitely go into. I'm curious as I'd like to ensure he can be helped and I would like him to not do much shrooms either...
My boyfriend is struggling with suicidal depression and just recently decided to break up with me. I’ve been so hurt and confused and I was always trying to be there for him and help him through. I didn’t understand why leaving me was what’s best for him, but your words have helped immensely to understand that. Thank you so much ♥️
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad the video helped a little. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Loving him is a lesson in accepting reality, allowing and processing painful emotions and finding your own strength in self love. Those are not easy lessons. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone with them 💛
Hey there, how are you doing, I know how it feels to get heartbroken
If you need hlp, to get back your ex I know of someone who can help you, fix your broken relationship reunite with your soulmate including saving your marriage from divorce
*Wha ts a pp* him right away for help
±19515998468⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works i can't believe i am with my lover back after many years of break-up.,...
There's "pulling away," and then there's abuse. I suffered emotional abuse from my depressed partner and it got worse and worse. I finally allowed myself to do what was best for my survival and leave.
Thank you for highlighting this, most not all videos about depression seem to forget to mention that.
It shows how hollow love has become.
Just words … congratulations 🥳
This is my struggle atm, I’m not sure if he’s depressed or actually mentally abusive and drip feeding me niceties, affection and glimmers of good
@@sammyh180984 it can be both. So many people do not pay attention to the fact that their mental health struggles can and have been weaponized to abuse others.
How can a depressed person abuse you? Did you maybe expect them to be able to just shut it off? Maybe you bothered them. You need to leave them alone and have them sit in their pain until it passes.
Thank you. Im experiencing this right now with my boyfriend pushing me away saying our relationship is pointless and it won't work.
Drop him and do not feel guilty about it. You should never be im a relationship with someone inconsiderate of your feelings or not strong enough to build with you
@@cjking4511 Thank you very much. It was a terrible experience. The relationship is over now. Funny thing now that I have a new boyfriend, he's saying he was stupid. I agree. Im not going back because I was not appreciated and treated with value.
@@dlangley012 its been 2weeks now for me , she is totally depressed because she lost her dad and on the same week she had a news about her Health , she broke down lately and its been a nightmare so far , she just told me « I dont know if I love you i dont know anything about what I want in Life anymore and I need to surfer by myself , I think i love you but im not sure » , I was there at first because trying to help but respecting what she needed … then « I need Space » came up
So im back in my old appartment i just dont know what im supposed to do because i love her so much and i know its not her right now
Its been only 2weeks , she calls me everyday but im scared because it doesnt get better for her , i know i Will wait but i dont know if i need to be présent physically sometimes, give her news , i dont know how to act
As someone on the other side of this, it’s enlightening to hear reasons why I am acting this way. I’m not usually emotionally intelligent enough to come about these conclusions on my own. Thank you.
I am going through this right now and this video has really opened my eyes. I have been blaming myself for our separation for the last two months and it has really drug me down. I have realized that she is going through depression herself that I never even knew she had. I have made her a promise to support her through this and let her know I am not going anywhere. It is really sad to watch someone you love so much go through depression but if you love them you have to pray for them and be there for them even if its from a distance.. Thank you so much for the videos.
I'm going through this with my partner
I am in the same boat! Maybe we should chat for support!
Same here. Good to know other people out there understand.
I'm same boat with my bf
@@amandaforeman7441 she filed for divorce
The most frustrating thing about depression is nobody you were once close to doesn't listen and understand. They don't take the time to watch these help videos. It makes you feel alone. When there is no compassion from others to even try to understand just makes a person dive deeper and deeper into depression. Also, others seek and talk about your depression to others that you once felt comfortable talking to and you feel like everyone knows I'm messed up. But, in my journey I have found that I'm on another type of level of awareness and I'm not talking about a higher IQ. There's something else going on that's unexplainable.
It’s not your partners job / close ones job to understand yourself from a higher IQ. As grown adults, when you are experiencing depression, it’s your job to seek professional help. Your loved ones are human also, have their own lives to pursue and shouldn’t have to take on another persons brain.
@@ashley684one of the main aspects in depression is to "talk it to your loved ones" and giving emotional support and just being there for the depressed person is not a "whole ass 9-5 job", it's much easier than that. This video is only 10 minutes, what would it take for the loved one to just watch it and learn something from it?
Maybe I'm wrong but I don't believe this is true. I just got broken up with by my depressed boyfriend yet I still want to listen, understand, and support him in any way that I can. Recently we just stopped talking because he wants space so I am respecting that space for right now. However that doesn't mean I'm not trying to still understand and love him. What I'm trying to get at is there are so many views and comments on this video for a reason, there are people out there trying to better understand because they do truly have so much love in their hearts and don't want to give up because the love they feel is so worth it. It is so worth it to understand or even try to understand. I really do hope someone in this world will listen, understand, and love you the way that you deserve because everyone deserves that. Things can get better, even if it takes a really long time, please just never stop believing even when it gets hard to. You are never alone, I can promise you that, you just have to find the people out there who want to love and understand you and make you feel like you aren't alone.
I needed this 🥺 I love her more than anything, she's my world. I will always love her no matter what, through thick and thins. Even things get hard, I'll be there for her no matter what. Thank you so much 🤍
😢😢😢😢
dude, if "she is your world", you don't love YOURSELF!! She is a PART of your world. But how do you want to stabilize her if she IS your world?
How did you do it
Same but she blocked me everywhere and she changed her bumber and we don't live in the same city anymore
Trying to find a way
@@malucas20same bro
It's so hard because you want to help them and they push you away. All you want to do is love them but they put up barriers even when trying to understand.
I was in a weird situation. The person I love was going through an extreme state of depression/anxiety and I felt them pulling away. He was crying and told me he is in love with me but it’s best that we take a break… he said he’s coming back for me because I’m the one girl in his life that he loves… so I honored that. We hadn’t spoken for 10 months because HE said when his mind is better he will return to me. In the meantime I continued moving forward but everyday but a gosh damn struggle because I missed him so much😞 he just never saw that…. Because we were out of contact. All he saw was me being “happy”. Well at the 10 month mark I had to reach out. I missed him so much… the last time we had spoke, he was a ball of vulnerability- so tender and warm. He NEVER expressed this side to himself. 10 months later and when I reached out he was cold as ice. Even though he left the ball in his court to come back to me, I feel like he was hurt that I didn’t reach out. The night we last talked 10 months prior, he said everyone in his life abandoned him. so he probably sees it that I abandoned him too even tho I was just trying to respect his space.
So I ended up telling him that my feelings haven’t changed and I still care so deeply about him. I told him that I didn’t reach out because I was honoring his space. I told him I missed him so much every single day, but I said that I respect if he’s moved on or met someone else….. he hasn’t responded to me and it’s been a day. I don’t know what to do because I feel hurt and forgotten too..::😞
Any update? What did he say?
I am the same person you are describing above. I dont believe i will ever change.
Amanda, Im sorry you’re going through such sadness, I too am going through a similar situation with the man I love and is waiting in faith that he will soon return to me, I sincerely pray the same for you🙏🏽🙌🏼💕
You are doing too much to feel bad for him. And the idea that he will come back when his head is right is weak. I would feel extremely hurt if someone told me they feel entitled to me to the point where I should wait around for them whenever their head feels right. And doing exactly that and waiting for him is not practicing self love. It’s showing him that whenever he has a mental breakdown you will be there on the other side, which is not fair to you because it ultimately compromises your needs. And any person that cares about themselves doesn’t ignore their needs.
sending so much love to you. that’s so tough but know that you are so loved and the pain is temporary
The fact that they don't talk to me brings me down, I'm overthinking like crazy. she says she needs a break...I may need to end it because it's messing with my health
same situation man,idk if she has depression but she is being followed by a therapist and the relationship is still being destroyed cause she treats me worse nad worse iam so sad
@@miguelfurtado3086 sorry to hear that bro
I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. The overthinking and stress can definitely take a toll on your health, and the not talking can trigger so many doubts.
What does your brain tell you when she won't talk to you? What do you think or fear? How do you feel in response? If you can start to track those thoughts and the specific things that trigger them (a look, a word, a silence in response to a question...) you may begin to notice some patterns in your own brain and emotions that will help you to take care of yourself and begin to feel better, even if she isn't able to connect with you right now.
Ending it is always an option. Either way, I would encourage you to take a really close look at the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by your relationship. Even if you two aren't together, you're taking the underlying beliefs and emotional habits with you, and either way you'll need to work through them to find relief that lasts.
Unfortunately therapy doesn't always change the dynamic in your relationship. Do you have anyone you can reach out to for support? Or who can be with you in the sadness and help you get through it?
My ex was numb and left me because he couldn't feel anything, even love. It's hard but I can't stay with someone who so easily pushes me away. Even if he's depressed all I can hope is that he gets help.
That was the right choice. He won’t change. It’s not your fault. Often times these depressed people cause their own depression and are undercover drug users. They are weak. Weak people easily get addicted to self medicating themselves and push others away because they are hiding their addictions. I once dated a woman who was depressed and hid her cigarette smoking and drug usage from both of which are a no for anyone i would want to date
@@cjking4511again your are correct. My ex did not want me to see him without having weed in his system. And it scared me, knowing that he did not want me seeing the true him.
I feel this! I couldn’t stay with someone that was pushing me away a month and a half into a relationship. That means that the person that you presented me in the beginning wasn’t real.
@@ashley684hey I just had the same experience is awful to fall in love with a version of someone that at the end turns out it isn't real...😢
@@MileG15don’t feel hurt by it honestly. All it means is that person knows the real version of them is not good enough for you. You win.
No person can take away major depression. You just have to sit in it until it goes away.
No! You have to push it away. There are ways. And yes, sometimes you need another person to take you to a healthcare professional.
Thank you for this, my boyfriend recently broke up with me and ive been extremely upset. I watched this video and realised what you was describing was exactly what he was doing. This calmed me down a lot
I'm so glad this video helped. If you need more support, I have a whole list of free resources you can find here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach my girlfriend been pushing me away now she been open up to me she was raped last week now she be talking to me how help her ??.
All the examples you gave is referring to my bf 10000%. We going to a have a talk this weekend about it, and to show him how I'm going to be there for him and work on my own emotional strength too. I love him so incredibly much, and I know when he says he's losing feelings that deep in his heart he doesn't mean that.
I’m watching this as the depressed partner and I feel super guilty about all of the things my husband has to go through to put up with me.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I'd like to offer you same perspective how to give your husband- What he's feeling, what he's thinking and what he's "going through" is not about you. It is not your fault.
If something you say or do triggers a reaction in your husband, that is his. Someone else may respond in a very very different way. In fact they would. I work with a lot of different people and a lot of different relationships, and I can tell you that 4 people in four marriages with four different partners who struggle with depression all react in four very different ways.
You are not your husband's problem. His suffering is caus ed by long-held systems of belief and habits of emotion. Things you do or say may trigger those old patterns to come up for him, but that is nothing to do with you. That is his.
Likewise your emotions and your thoughts are your responsibility. And that includes your guilt. I would encourage you to take a really close look at that feeling of guilt. What are the thoughts connected to it? From what you wrote imagine it's something like "I'm a bad person for putting him through this" or "this isn't fair for him"... Is it something like that or is there something else there?
The next step is to witness, in a deeply honest way, what you do out of guilt. How do you act? What do you say? What do you not say? How does the thought and the emotion affect the way you show up in the world? Is it serving you?
Relationships are incredibly powerful because, when we are able to be vulnerable with each other and reach for each other and sit with each other in our pain and suffering and fear and doubt, there is space for healing for both parties. However it is unrealistic to believe that two people will always be able to both reach and respond. Both actions involve so much risk, and we are all dealing with deeply ingrained habits and patterns of attachment and defense.
That doesn't mean we can't love and live and grow together. It does mean that you do not need to take responsibility for your husband's experience, and he doesn't need to take responsibility for yours. In fact trying to do that actually makes it harder for you to be there, for you to reach or to respond to him. I hope that this is helpful. The intention behind these videos is certainly not to add to anyone's suffering.
Thank you Rachael.
The guilt and shame definitely doesn’t help when I am already depressed and anxious.
I realise that we’re both responsible for our own emotions.
The guilt I think I’ve been feeling since I was a small child, definitely thoughts of ‘I am unworthy of his love/love in general’, ‘I am a bad person and a selfish person for putting him and my son through this’, ‘what is wrong with me’, ‘everyone will be better off without me’ etc
Appreciate this video to get a broader perspective.
@@courtneyyoungmusic I'm so glad it's been helpful. And it's wonderful that you can identify and track those thoughts and the feelings of shame and guilt that come along with them. The incredible thing about the human brain is it's plasticity - those thoughts, and those feelings, can change if you bring your attention and intention to them. The first step to doing that is to recognize and track them, which you're already doing 💚💚💚
When did you realize you were hurting him ?
I'm going through this rn. It's really hard and draining but as his partner, I should be strong and understand his issues and I believe things will get better soon.
I hear you. And I know you've heard this... but make sure you take time for yourself and get help where YOU need it (from friends, family, counselors, support groups etc). Supporting someone when they are struggling with depression can be so draining, and you are not doing him or yourself any favors if you are emotionally exhausted.
This was something it took me a long time to realize - being strong sometimes means acknowledging your own pain and asking for help and support where you need it. It is not an easy thing to do. But it will make all the difference for you, which could make all the difference for him.
so this is how she felt … ever since she left i’ve been searching for a reason as to why. we were heavy on psychology while together so i figured psychology would lead me to the answer. i began to ask why she left. she told everything this video says. she felt unworthy of love. she felt like she was dragging me down. if only she knew.
I"m crying watching this. You're hitting the nail on the head here. My girlfriend has depression and I can tell she tries to be kind but she does push me away and I'm so sad that she's going through all this. Thank you for helping me understand better. I love her so much and wish there was something I could do to help her. But we don't live together so I don't really ever know when I'm being pushed away or if she's just busy. I think it's often her pushing me away though because when we do interact, it's very open and honest and loving. So I suspect she pushes me away to protect me when she's having a bad day. She told me in the past she doesn't want her sadness to rub off on me and she's apologized a few times for starting a relationship with me right before she went into a depressive episode because she feels guilty that we didn't have a lot of time to build a strong foundation. But then when things are good, they are so sweet and loving between us. I just want to ease her suffering. She doesn't deserve to be in all this pain. She's a precious soul and I'd do anything to help her if I just knew what that was. Fortunately my best friend of 43 years is a therapist who also suffers from depression so she's helped me navigate this situation a lot. I think I'm doing pretty good but it is so hard because it's my first time in 56 years to be with someone who has depression. I'm learning. I know I can't heal for her so all I can do is just show support and be there and be patient. So that's what I do. I just hope she remembers in her sad times how much I love her. And you're so right about love. I'm fortunate that I do love myself and am healthy in that way so I don't usually take it personally when she pushes me away. And I've noticed that I feel love based on how I'm doing, my own moods and life quality, so I try to keep myself in that good place so I can always shower her with as much love as possible. She's SO WORTHY OF LOVE
Thank you for this video... THANK YOU.. I am currently watching this everyday to remind myself that my partner pushing me away isn't about me.. ill love him no matter what and it does really hurt a lot of the time but I'll be there to support him and show him that I won't allow his illness to push me away.. he has moments of clarity where he says how much he loves me and I hold on to those moments.. Thank you, Rachel..
Thank you Rachael...
Thank you so much Rachel, this really helps. My son is going through depression with some delusion present. When I am with him I get glimpses of how he was and he hugs me and wants me around, but then he remembers that “he is hideous garbage “ (his words), and he pushes me away, doesn’t want me around so calls me some awful names. I love him with all my heart and will always support him but how do I get him to understand he needs professional help for his illness? He will not take this on board at all.
Oh i can't imagine having a child who hates themselves. Omg that makes me so sad. And you know what's hard tho, I don't have the same sympathy for someone I am dating that has depression, he makes me nuts, pisses me off, and the very way he deals with his bullshit plays on every insecurity I have. He's bringing me down
...and that was the most important advice video I've watched about this.
This video deserves a million views
Thank you!!
Hey there, how are you doing, I know how it feels to get heartbroken
*Wha ts a pp* him right away for help
±19515998468⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works i can't believe i am with my lover back after many years of break-up.,...
@kencarey6483
0 seconds ago
My partner and I are are both divorced and have now been together for 4 years .. her past life and past marriage have caused her trauma . She is on medication for depression/ anxiety .. her mom passed 1 year ago ,her sons are going away to college, she will have to move out of her home of 15 years and find a new job .. she is having panic attacks, has begun to question ( negatively) everything including my children and my long term status and plans for our future . Almost as if she wants to push me away , she makes statements like “ everyone is leaving “ everywhere I step is a landmine “
I love her with all my heart and do not want her isolating and believing there is no hope and possibly no future with us . I’m guessing this is her way of coping with her grief and depression. Any thoughts or strategy would be helpful
Thank you. I am there. I am sinking into a place of self-loathing because my girlfriend is pushing me away. She says she loves me, but ceases all contact with me often. I feel as if she'll be better off without me. I will follow this great insights. I truly love her and want to remain with her and for her.
I cannot ever thank you enough for this video. You've saved my sanity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm crying with a smile while I'm typing this comment. I wish you the best as you've saved me. ❤️
Some people who are prone to depression are short on vitamin D3 and C.Get a label for the cause there are lot’s of good medications that can lift people out of their depression. It’s vital to get him or her help especially when they feel suicidal. Never assume that threats of suicide are just threats get help quickly. Get out of the house go for walks in nature. Encourage him to go to bed at a reasonable time and to get up early. Try to keep active and positive.
Yes thank you I think my ex thought I was being manipulative by talking about how I was feeling suicidal. I was serious because I was at a point of complete crisis and was panicking. Needed to be out in nature and taking magic mushrooms!!
He told me to focus on myself and my kids. He stopped telling me he loves me 😔, he stopped calling me, or texting me. Yet says he does not want me to go away... It's damn hard 😭😭😭
My Girlfriend and close friend of 10+ years is struggling so bad with her mental state as of late. I know she loves me but I also know this is really hard for her and I’ve been struggling to try to understand and not feel hurt by everything she does. Watching this has me in tears putting me into perspective. Words can’t express how thankful I am ❤️
I'm very glad to hear this video was helpful for you, and I'm very sorry that you're going through such a painful time.
I know it can be really lonely and isolating to be in your position, and I hope it helps to know that you aren't alone. This page has a set of resources that you might find helpful, and also some information on a group program that's starting up in February for people who love a depressed partner. Having support around you (and people who get what you're going through) can make a big difference.
If you check out the resources, I'd strongly recommend trying out the exercises listed for a week or ten days.
www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I was depressed and completely disconnected to my partner. I would come home and play video games to disconnect from life. She left me 4 months ago because she said I felt like I didn’t want her and she didn’t matter. I just wish she understood she was all I wanted. Just knowing she was there
Thank you so much, for this I felt so scared when he said he has thoughts of harming himself. He came in when I was still crying and I told him I was so scared and he agreed to get help and I thanked him so much for it.
The more I research the more I understand. It started a month before she pushed me away. She became very distant and seemed cold and depressed when I was around her (She didn’t have the same energy and mostly laid on the couch and didn’t say much to me) She would say things that made no sense because we had an amazing 11 months together never having a single argument. She told me towards the end I know you can feel me slipping away from you. She said “I want to “want” to be with you but I don’t at the same time. It was almost like she knew exactly what was happening because she’s gone through this before in the past? She would the say random things in a push/pull manner almost as a test to me in which normally I just gave her confident/comforting responses until she just completely pushed me away one day after saying she needed a break:
1. I love you but I’m afraid of commitment and afraid to fail so I always have my running shoes on with one foot out the door.
2. I love you but I’m not in love with you but then 2 days later be back to normal saying I love you.
3. I need to miss you to know if I want to be with you.
4. I don’t feel I’m worthy of love or trust. She even posted a picture of her with a painting she made saying that exact thing after she pushed me away.
5. Talking about it won’t fix things (After she pushed me away). You need to focus on making you happy while I do the same.
6. I am tired of our relationship running constantly through my head….it is driving me crazy…I am too busy working (workaholic) and I don’t have time for you or nobody. Reality is she was using work and her community volunteer meetings as a way to keep space from me. I told her many times I don’t require much attention being secure. Seeing her 2 maybe 3 times per week was completely ok because when we were together it was great.
The first 15 days I made all the dumb mistakes after she just told me she just needed space to think and she told me to stop….It’s just pushing her further away. Now I email her in a secure confident manner and even told her there’s no hard feelings, I’m here for you when you’re ready (She hardly ever responds to me). I know in my heart she loves me, I could see it in her eyes when I confronted her the day she text me she needed space. It’s difficult being secure but anxious because I want her back this second. I try my best to have patience, give her space, and time for “the cake to bake” but it sucks! Some say I should do NC, some say send her messages of reassurance I am but don’t flood her with messages, other tell me to give up and move on. I am the type of guy that can get a date in 2 hours if I try but I don’t want to. Hell, my ex wife came running back to me the second she found out I was single again. I am just so hooked on my DA gf and want her back. On day 60 of the breakup. It could be 2 more months before she misses me! Not sure what to do..😣. Not impacting my mental health. I am have a blast hanging with friends but I miss her constantly.
Hi Bob, it is amazing, you write word by word what has happened to me with my girlfriend in the past three month. At least I know that I am not alone in this, and it is not my fault. I have been with her almost five wonderful years. Now I date another girl for a month, but I miss my girlfriend 24/7. Looking on the good, since the breakup I have done so much self growth and learned so many new things...
Sending you all the best. Be strong.
Thank you for this video! My boyfriend and I have had a healthy relationship for over 3 years. No arguments, both on the same page of having a future together and great communication. Out of left field he told me he doesn’t feel anything for me and doesn’t know how his feelings just disappeared. He isn’t feeling himself and is so overwhelmed by life and taking care of his parents that he feels unstable and numb. We agreed to keep in contact while I’m in grad school but once I went away he hasn’t responded to my texts or called me back. We both are in therapy separately but it gets harder the longer he doesn’t contact me back. He did tell me he just needs time. I just don’t understand how he wants to spend the rest of my life with me to someone who feels numb/depressed and doesn’t seem to consider me even as a friend. It’s weird how people going through this can suddenly be unrecognizable. I feel like I’m waiting in the unknown of having my heart being broken.
I am so sorry you're going through this pain right now. You're right that someone you love can suddenly seem like a different person entirely! It is disconcerting and tends to trigger every deep fear, inner doubt or self conscious belief we hold.
You might find this page helpful. At the top is a pdf file with resources that you can use to supplement therapy. Further down it also describes a coaching program that I offer which is designed to help you navigate exactly this kind of situation.
www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I hope you find the resources helpful. If you'd like to discuss the coaching program you're welcome to email me at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Hello ! I hope you are well. I wanted to know how things went with your boyfriend? My situation is very similar, we were happy together and in a few days he left me... he doesn't know why but he doesn't feel his love feelings like he used to... he's been suffering from apathy in general for 6 months now too... I sincerely hope things are better on your side ❤️
hey, any update?
@@lraedr7328what happened with u now any update
@@lraedr7328 its been a month for me , i quickly watched those kind of vidéos but … im suffering, it came out of nowhere
Its killing me , she push me away i dont know … its so hard
I'm only 3 minutes in and it's already spot on. Both me and my ex deal with severe depression and anxiety. That mixed with the long distance caused her to break up last week.
Going through something similar, update? Did you try to get back together?
@giancastillo2958 we're taking it slow this time and not fully together. She's going through therapy and we plan to get back together. Good luck!
i needed this video. my husband has depression and has been pushing me away. i now got some clarity.
Thanks Rachel, you're a great human being. Know that I'm a husband and I'm the one depressed and watching this cause I fought with my wife. But I am constantly trying my best to work on my issues. So I can live a fulfilling life beside my partner. God bless you both.
Thank you for the kind words Pandan. I love that you are doing your own inner work and are committed to creating a fulfilling life with your wife.
Just so you know... the "two things to know" in this video go both ways. You are not responsible for what your wife thinks or feels, and those thoughts and feelings aren't actually about you (even if she says they are!).
I know from talking to my husband that the partner who is depressed can feel terrible if they believe their depression is hurting the person they love the most. Don't take that on yourself. Your wife's thoughts and feelings about your depression and it's effects on your relationship are HERS, not yours. They are her responsibility.
This work is so powerful, because it really only takes one partner. If either partner is able to hold space for the other person's experience, without judgement, with compassion and with curiosity, it can transform the relationship. But it isn't possible to hold that space if you are taking responsibility or blaming yourself for the way the other person feels. When we do that, we get caught up in our own experience of guilt, shame, frustration or defensiveness, and we can no longer be a truly empathetic ear for our partner.
It is beautiful that you are making the effort to care for yourself and strengthen your marriage. Your wife is lucky to have you. 💛💛
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach wow I don't know where to start thank you Rachael!
I truly take that response to heart, and pray it works. I know that it's hard for her too, bearing the weight. But I agree the more I keep beating myself up in agony and guilt the more I start to feel worn down in my self-esteem...
Again I'm truly grateful for the personal response back to me. I pray and wish both you and your husband good health and blessings.
Ameen/Amen
This video on one hand is helpful, But it ignores the fact that some of their behaviors are emotionally abusive to the other person. No one is obliged to put up with any sort of abuse. I definitely think self love is important in doing your own work, But we need to address boundaries for the partner and when to decide to protect themselves instead of enabling or excusing continual bad behaviors. This is coming from someone who is both on the giving end and receiving end of it.
Yeah I'm seriously struggling with my bf who apparently is depressed..seems like selective depression to me and it makes me so angry. I hate him, I want to help him and then I think its really unmanly and weak. Gross like get a life, get help. I've tried the empathetic route, I get nothing and I'm not okay with that anymore.
@@shanagries6457 I'm sorry that you have to know what that pain is like. It's so ugly, messy, and easier said than done when you're trying to figure out where the line is. That's something I hear from others all the time.
I agree, but to a full extent you can’t take a depressed partner do anything. And ultimately , I think the only thing you can do in the end, is eventually leave. Talking to a depressed partner is in a sense talking to a brick wall.
@@shanagries6457girl because it is weak. I was in a relationship with a man that flat out told me he didn’t want to converse in person because he flips out and can’t not flip out. Like ew. Where is the grown person that doesn’t take things to heart and understands adult conversations are needed. It just made me feel like his inability to actually converse was such a huge downfall to our relationship. It felt super uncomfortable being around him after a while because I felt like I was sitting in a relationship with a person that overall had no interest in me, but wanted me around for the sake of being the one person that stays for his misery.
@@ashley684 it's the same person that would rather excuse my language but jer$off to narcissistic attention seeking whor@s online than have a real relationship. These are betas and no more, I'm done. And since he broke up with me(and I should have been the one doing the breaking up bc I am amazing and he sucks) I've caught him in so many lies and messed up things all in the name of depression..gtfoh hell 👎
Thanks for making this video. It helps me understand my situation a bit better. Two weeks ago my boyfriend told me he has severe depression and that he’s seeking help with therapy. But he needs to do it alone because he doesn’t know how long it will take him to get better and don’t want to give me false hope. It hurts that I can’t be there for him when he needs me the most and I’ve been trying to understand him better. I don’t know if I should keep trying to reach out or to leave him alone. I’m torn.
I know how hard this situation is. Do you respect his wishes, or do you reach out and let him know that you're not giving up on him?
There is no simple answer. If you reach out he may interpret that as a sign that you care and feel supported, or he may think that you want love and support from him that he can't give and feel overwhelmed or worthless. You can't control his reaction or his feeling because it is based on his thoughts, and his thoughts are being influence by feelings of depression.
I would encourage you to take this time and turn inwards. When you don't know what to do, ask yourself what is it that you are hoping to feel? Anytime we want to take an action it's because we want to feel better. Focus there. What do you feel that you don't want to feel? What are you trying to feel?
You can't control his reaction, but you can work with your own emotions to find peace. From that place the actions you take will become clearer.
How did this end up turning out?
THANK YOU, RACHAEL. THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BEGIN MY HEALING. I LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY.
You're welcome. Thank you for being here!
Thank you for this video. I've been sabotaging my personal relationships my whole life.
My wife is depressed but is also a only child and a narcissist , it’s getting had to listen to all the names and abuse, I just want to love her
I'm currently experiencing it right now. This helps a lot. Thank you so much.
Thanks for this video! A friend of mine, whom I really really love, suffers from depression. She pushes me away for more than a year now and it's really hard sometimes. But at that point, I try to remember those things that she said (what you've also stated in this vid), that there's nothing about me. I hope, she can heal and in the meantime, I will have the courage to be with her. It's hard to be "strong" in these covid days and being fine with myself. It's so exhausting. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts!
Thanks for the kind words! You are right, it can be really hard to be there and be with someone through depression and not take it personally. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job 💚💚
If you find you are getting exhausted, that can be a sign that you are staying strong by denying or avoiding some of your own emotions. Pay attention to your body, it is wise! Staying strong and trying to be fine with yourself sometimes means that we forget to honor our own anger, grief or regret. Those emotions need to be allowed and processed so you can truly rest and heal yourself. A good way to do that is to ask yourself what positive thing that emotion wants for you (usually safety or love) and then to intentionally allow it to be present in your body, while honoring the positive intention.
There are a lot of good exercises to help with this, one of my favorites is the RAIN technique (a quick google brings it up!). I'd encourage you to make some time in your day to do that or another tool that works for you, so you don't burn yourself out supporting your friend.
Thank you for your answer! I'm about to find out how to take of myself also and set boundaries. I'm doing meditations, I'm doing excersises (running and walking), I'm cutting myself from those who such out my energy (not the depressed one) and the most helpful is that I'm also seeing a therapist. I hope we will manage to overcome this situation. This pandemic situation for a year now is hard to cope with. God bless you for your videos and keep going to post them! :-)
@@Dorcz I have a friend. We know each other since 5/6 years old. After high-school things got worse for her especially with her studys at UNI and and her relationship with ther parents. She started distancing herself to the point we did months to see her. It's been 6/7 years she is like that we are 25yo now. How many years a person can live like that without trying to change?
You changed my thought on how loving some one is for yourself. I wish I knew this so much sooner thank you.
Thank you for making this video. I really needed this. My husband has been battling depression for almost a year. And you have validated everything about our relationship for me. I couldn't stop myself from crying because of the realization.
Hi Athena, I'm so sorry you're going through that, it is so hard. Please check out these resources, they may help further: Resources: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
My wife for 4.5 years wants divorce, she was diagnosed with clinical depression, she took medications and therapy for 1 month and started feeling better, me on the other side worked on myself and got her back for two months, she had stopped seeking the any form of therapy then because I was back in her life again and she was happy, now it relapsed and first thing she did was put the blame on the marriage and me. I am exhausted and hurt. I can put up with her issues even if she refused any therapy for rest of her life, All i want is to not blame the relationship and me for her unhappy state. That's all. Now I am obliged to go through paperwork and give her what she wants, so she realises one day again when it relapses that I or the our relationship was not the reason for her mental illness. I still love her but wanted to hate her for my closure, but I am unable to do so, it's even more painful. Your video actually help me understand and my therapist is saying the same. Thank you Rachel.
Thank you so much for having this video. It's SO hurtful when my husband kept pushing me away and told me it is me. The guilt can be SO overwhelming.
I'm really glad it was helpful. It can be such a struggle not to take words like that personally. When you hear it from your partner on a regular basis it is difficult not to internalize it. How are you doing now? Is there anything that has helped you with the feelings of guilt?
Just wanted to come in the comments and say these videos have been very helpful. I’ve been struggling with communicating my love to my partner recently and she says almost identical things to these videos and react the way not to react almost every time. I’m going to be working on this so I can support her better but it’s nice to finally have someone explain it to me because I’ve never been able to understand it like this.
This is happening to me right now. My boyfriend hasn’t talked to me much and we haven’t seen each other at all in a week. He told me a few days ago that he was depressed and wanted to be left alone. As much as it pains me to do so I’m doing my best to not bother him so it doesn’t make things worse for him. I’ve told him I’m here and I love him and I guess that’s all I can do
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This is such a hard place to be in. Something I do with my clients in these situations is help them get really clear on what they can and cannot control.
You cannot control his feelings of depression. But that doesn't mean that what you say or do doesn't matter. It does. Humans are hard wired for connection. Sometimes our emotions feel too overwhelming, alien or unbearable to imagine sharing them with others, and we want to be alone. But even then we really do want to be seen, heard and connected.
With this in mind, I do believe it is helpful to continue to offer your presence and support, even if he ignores it. It sounds like you have done that, and I would encourage you to continue to let him know you care and are there if he wants company. To do that without putting pressure on him, you have to genuinely be okay with whatever answer he gives you (that's where your own emotional work comes into play!).
Often when someone is struggling with depression it is hard to be with other people because they either feel like they are bringing the other person down OR the other person wants to "fix" them.
This is why I think it is so valuable to do your own emotional work to get calm, clear and grounded. From that place you can be with him (or offer to be with him) in silence, a gentle, relaxed presence that doesn't take his behavior personally or put any pressure on him to change When we can get to that place, we are able to offer the most profound kind of accepting support that one human can offer another.
It sounds like you are doing an incredible job already. Stay with it. Process and acknowledge your own emotions. Getting calm, relaxed and centered yourself is the very best way to support him.
This happened to me, and even though the divorce is final and all the pain I went through because of it, I still love her.
Love her unconditional she needs you❤
The reason for her breaking up with me is bc she said that she’s going through a dark place rn and needs time and space to figure some things out alone . I didn’t make things better bc I spammed her trying to reassure her I’m here and that I’m here to help and that we don’t need to break up (we can get through it together). Pretty much, after getting blocked on everything except iMessage, I realized that me begging her to open up to me isn’t gonna get us anywhere so I left it off with “ok I’ll give you your space” . I think and people I’ve talked to think I should give her space and NOT hit her up first. We think that if she wants us to work in the future and I think if she wants to talk things out so maybe we can get together again, she needs to kind of put a bit of effort to communicate . Should I give her space until she hits me up or should I lightly check up on her to let her know I’m still here? It’s confusing because this treatment and being left on delivered came out of nowhere and since she doesn’t wanna talk, I don’t rlly have a grasp on the situation and it just feels like she’s giving up on us
We were together for 4 months, we’d be coming up to 5 months if we’d been together by October 8th
I’m going through the same situation with you,we known each other for over a year but it’s one side love from me, right now I’m giving him the space that i think that he needed…thanks to her video I feel so much peaceful now, like, i get that the treatment is for our self-love but idk I having this feeling of fear that while i was trying to heal myself he is gonna give up and shut everything down and it’s really hard since it’s long distance relationship. We only know each other and hang out through phone…. It’s really hard
She always has these episodes where she says she doesn't want to talk to me and that she's sad it idk if she's losing her love for me or if she's depressive someone please help because when she's happy she's so attached to me and i love it but she turns into a whole different person at times and it like I'm speaking to a stranger someone please help me on what to do
Thank you so much for this video. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Especially the part about being able to sit with myself and the part about the apathetic feelings. I have a terribly critical inner voice and everyday that I try to be with him is an affront to myself because now I feel I am the one undeserving of his love. Your video reminded me of the reasons why I haven't and won't be giving up on him. That I can love him quietly from afar when he pushes me away and be ready to embrace him when he is in a better place.
Thank you so much! This brings a new perspective that gives me clarity and comfort. Learning to support my partner with this illness is very new and I’m learning a lot. I appreciate your help 💛
You are so welcome! I am thrilled that these videos are helping and bringing you comfort. I hope above all that you see that you are not alone. I am here with you. The other viewers are here with you. There are so many of us learning to support their partners and going through the highs and lows alongside you. And there is so much room to learn and grow through the relationship you're in, if you can support yourself and ask for help when and where you need it.
It is very normal in our modern society to expect our romantic partners to be "everything" to us. But the truth is that we are social beings, who need a sense of connection and support that comes from interacting with others who are available, responsive and empathetic. Any single human can't be those things all the time. Some days we're too tired, or too stressed, or too hungry! And a human who is depressed usually can't be those things for you when the depression is present.
That's why having other people in our lives is so important, in any relationship, and especially when you are supporting a depressed partner. And it's okay if those other people are folks you chat with on TH-cam like me :) Whenever you notice yourself feeling drained, find a way to connect (online, on the phone, in person or even through mediation, prayer or spiritual connection) and remind yourself that you aren't alone. You've got this. 💚
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoachthank you so much for this. It was so eye opening. Even as someone who struggles with depression also - the experience is different. Wow. Thank you.
Thank you for this video! My Boyfriend and I broke up recently, His depression is getting worse. He felt he wasn't being fair to me, and that I deserve someone who isn't battling all the things he is. He's in therapy now. We broke up so he could protect me from himself. He's worried if I stay close to him that when he hits his breaking point he will hurt me and ill walk out of his life forever. It's hard seeing the toll its taking on him. How happy we were together, and knowing he feels guilty for us being apart and how much that choice hurts him. I promised him I'm not gonna walk away, that I want to stay and support him through it all. But he doesn't seem to believe me sometimes and it really hurts :( he tells me he doesn't mean to push me away and that he's not trying to but at times it feels like he is.
Hey there, how are you doing, I know how it feels to get heartbroken
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Hey. I believe you, we're kind of the same. Do you want to talk?
Hi Rachel, thank you for making this content. My heart is shattered. I was dating an amazing man for a couple of months. I felt our connection at the beginning even though we were in a long-distance relationship but we eventually lost our connection when his depression started to become worst. I took the initiative to find a therapist for him and he appreciated it. He was excited to start his therapy because he wants to get out of his situation but he suddenly became hesitant to seek professional help when he heard from someone that it's not working. I did my best to convince him but he refused it. So, I contacted his sister to let her know what he's been going through and to help me encourage him to seek professional help. When my ex knew it, he became mad at me for informing his sister. He regrets that he told me about his depression, and telling his family about his problem made him decide to break up with me. It hurts me a lot and I hope he will reach out one day.
hey I'm dealing with something similar to yours can you please reach out to me by replying on this comment again
From one compassionate "fixer"-type to another, your pain is valid, but it's important that you consider/acknowledge that you seriously hurt him by betraying his trust. He did nothing wrong by drawing a boundary with you, regardless of how much you happen to feel hurt about it. I'm hoping you understand that, but from the text of your comment I don't see an indication that you do -- it sounds like you're characterizing yourself as having been wronged and not recognizing that you wronged him and his response was reasonable -- so I felt obligated to raise the point just in case it's something you haven't yet realized.
It's counterintuitive, but our desire to help others comes with the dangerous pitfall of _assuming that we know what help others need._ It's taken me many years and many mistakes and a lot of hard work to understand this, but betraying someone's autonomy like that is incredibly disempowering to them, regardless of how supportive we intend for it to be. Impact is more important than intent. And if someone doesn't have ownership over their healing, they can't really heal. A relationship with someone who makes choices like you made (and like I too used to make) is actually legitimately harmful to people who are struggling. Codependency is toxic, and it's something people like you and me have to put in lifelong work to heal in ourselves so that we can relate healthily to others.
I hope this is useful to you or some other reader.
how are things nowadays? @shineeyesha7304
This is life changing for me, my husband with PTSD just left our family and is saying I can't support him and we need to divorce seemingly out of nowhere. Just wow, helps me go on and bare this for now.
I have no partner anymore because she was depressed. She did exactly this and pushed me away. I let her. You can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to keep you.
She did want to keep you and probably really loved you. I’m sorry you feel this way but you’ve misunderstood the situation she was fighting a war in her head and didn’t feel deserving of your love
@@hummingbird4934 thanks for you words. But i wouldn’t say that i misunderstood the situation. I had a pretty good idea of what was happening. You can only do so much. I didn’t blame her, walked and never looked back. However that did not make the decision any easier.
I did the same thing. I took a step back and let my depressed partner take the wheel for a week. Absolutely nothing to offer. And while I do feel for his depression, I can’t keep someone that doesn’t want to fight for a relationship. Absolutely pointless.
I was basically forced out my own relationship by my ex. One day we had a fight, a rather small one, he just ceased all contact. Came back after two weeks to give me closure, telling me that he is not ready for a relationship and left again.
Thank you for this beautyful video. My boyfriend is depressed and is pushing me away often. But I love him more than anything❤
Thank you for sharing your heart. Loving someone with depression can be incredibly challenging, especially when they push you away despite your love for them. It’s important to remember that depression often creates barriers that make it difficult for your partner to connect or even recognize their need for support. Your love is a beautiful thing, and offering patience and understanding is key, but it’s also important to take care of your own emotional well-being. If you're feeling overwhelmed, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass. It’s designed to give you the tools to navigate these tough situations and support both yourself and your partner as you move forward in a healthy way.
You can register here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register
Sending you strength and clarity as you navigate this.
My bf and I were living together, he told me he was getting depressed & he needed his space to “fix” , “find hik send again” he told me he feels empty and sometimes doesn’t feel anything at all and high anxiety. But he knows he loves me and that I deserve so much more and that I’m beautiful inside and outside. I moved out and we were talking every day all day & it was just a lot for both of us so now he will just give me updates and try to communicate with me because I deserve more he says. But sometimes I wonder if he will come back or if he will even want to be together after. He told me once he is better she will show up on my door with a ring. But sometimes I feel like he is pushing me away so far that he will end up forgetting about me too. I love him so much and I really see who he is even at his worst he is such a great man. But I will be very hurt if he comes out okay and decides he doesn’t want this anymore. He told me if it’s less than a year he will reach out if I’m still single, if it’s longer he won’t because it’s not fair. How long can it take? I feel like he’s also doing soul searching because he feels so disconnected with who he was before and wanting to give he says he doesn’t even feel like giving anymore or anything alike and has no purpose anymore.
What was your outcome
Thank you for sharing this. "You can love them" made me well up with tears (because I felt so grateful to hear someone else sharing my perspective on that), then hearing your personal anecdote took my tears even further lol. You deserve a lot of good things, I can tell from your intelligence and empathy.
Thank you this helps me with my friend who is depressed and pushed me and blocked me on the phone for trying to help away thank you so much deeply 😊❤️
Dominic,
Thank you for watching. I'm so glad to hear that this video helped, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it can be so painful. Hang in there, and stay connected to yourself!
This page has a list of resources that you might find helpful as you navigate this with your friend: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
My girlfriend is currently so depressed after her dad committ suicide because of depression.we were together almost two years. After her dad suicide she tond talk to me even dont text me. Worst part is now she is in brazil and I'm in japan .. she ask me to break up with her and move on .. I really love her but I couldnt do anything for her 😥
Thank you Rachael, I’m going through this right now with my significant other. Watching this video really helps me. Self care- don’t take it personal. Ty!!!
You're welcome!
Both self care and don't take it personally can be easier said than done... if you'd like some additional support, this page has some more resources you might enjoy!
www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
She blocked me changed her phone number two years ago then talked to me once in this period to check on me called me 3 times from masked numbers but i did not saw one the other one was too late and one i answered but was not alone so could not speak. But i don't live in the same city with her so this is really hard i don't have a way to contact her.
Like many of the other people commented, recently my girlfriend broke up with me and I recognize many of the points you mention. My view on the situation was completely wrong and I'm unsure what to do now. I want to approach her because I care about her and want to support her through it still. Just unsure about the words I should use, because I'm scared of causing her more harm. This video has been very helpful in understanding a little bit of what a depressed partner goes through, (altho she isn't anymore, but was it because of the depression? I don't know). Thank you regardless and I wish all the best to everyone else and their partner who are going through similar things! Thank you!
Hi Daniel, I'd encourage you to worry less about the specific words you use and focus instead on being curious, compassionate and honest. Keep it simple. Say what you mean (you can even say that you're scared of causing more harm and ask her to help you by telling you if your words aren't helping), and notice when your own defenses are being triggered (and if they are, just say so and ask for a moment to calm them down). If you can show up and hold a space that is loving, curious and open, the words will come.
@kencarey6483
0 seconds ago
My partner and I are are both divorced and have now been together for 4 years .. her past life and past marriage have caused her trauma . She is on medication for depression/ anxiety .. her mom passed 1 year ago ,her sons are going away to college, she will have to move out of her home of 15 years and find a new job .. she is having panic attacks, has begun to question ( negatively) everything including my children and my long term status and plans for our future . Almost as if she wants to push me away , she makes statements like “ everyone is leaving “ everywhere I step is a landmine “
I love her with all my heart and do not want her isolating and believing there is no hope and possibly no future with us . I’m guessing this is her way of coping with her grief and depression. Any thoughts or strategy would be helpful
See this why videos like this aren’t always good because in the reality of things, there’s nothing that you can do to change what that person is feeling. No words will change anything. A different approach doesn’t change the fact that this person probably wouldn’t treat you the way you would want to be treated anyways. Usually people with depression have a multitude of exes that did things differently and look where they are at now. Don’t blame yourself or your raw approach to a person that in the end is showing signs they need professional help and not a relationship. There is no hidden evidence in this video, that this lady is even experiencing relationship happiness even with the current approach she is talking about. It seems like just a prolonging process of ending something that needs to be ended eventually. Especially because no amount of self love can change the fact that you have needs in a relationship, and not having needs met can allowing it to, is not practicing self love in itself. Unconditional love does not mean, staying with someone that is not making you happy. Sometimes unconditional love is loving someone from a distance, leaving them without blaming them, and making sure that the people around them like family is aware that they are struggling with this.
My girl got depressed out of the blue. One day she woke up and boom, mood change. We went to her mom’s for dinner and she didn’t come home. 2 months have passed and no communication really. A week after that dinner, I stopped at her moms and asked what’s going on, she said that we r ok and she isnt discarding me. She said that she needs to work on her mental health, her therapy, get her meds right. Up to that point she wasn’t taking them regularly and it was an issue. She is BP1. She doesn’t even want a cell phone at this time. Her mom and I talk once a week, a simple check in. Her b day was in September. I got her gifts, her mom came and got them. She loved all of them. She didn’t thank me. It’s ok tho. She left clothes and personal items at the house with me, even her dog is here. I’m giving her the space she is asking for. It’s so hard because I have my own anxieties at times… I miss her so much. Any input?
I also this past year have been in my own therapy and have been in the gym for myself and for her and I….. to create and healthier environment for the two of us. It has worked.
Continue to be strong. Love is worth fighting for. Especially when you share. A beautiful connection with someone. That can not be replaced. With someone else. She will return to you. Better than she was.
@@LovingMe732 thank you… thank you for the kind words. I know she will. It’s so exhausting trying to explain the situation to people who don’t understand what’s going on. All ppl see is “she isn’t there why are you waiting” and they don’t understand how hard it has to be for her to leave her dog behind and her place of comfort behind to go to her moms to do this. She hasn’t checked in, not even on her dog. Her mom talked to her and she said “she isn’t mentally there yet” well let her be I said. Her stuff being here this long shows me that 1. She loves me a bough and trusts me enough to keep it here to take care of it. And 2. She’s definitely plans on coming back when she’s capable of handling a full blown relationship and all the responsibilities that it entails. 2023 was a lot for her. Her and her family need to heal together. So give them this time. She took herself out of our home to do this because say one day she’s feeling great and we have a great day together and the next few days she’s down, I may internalize that and she’ll have to pretend to show me it isn’t me and that’s draining and it’ll affect us. We don’t want that. I’m so very proud of her. What she’s doing needed to be done a long time ago. The girl has been thru a lot in her life. I was the first man to ever show her real true healthy love. I can’t abandone her now.
@@italian76boi You are sooo welcome😊
Thank you for this video. My boyfriend broke with me last month, he has been taking meds for years but he still managed to slip into depression due to high stress (finishing his Ph.D. another bachelor's and working) and it is still difficult and hurts like hell. Especially because we had the most beautiful relationship full of love and support. He told me he needs me to realize I didn't do anything wrong but that he needs to do this on his own, even though I said I want to be with him and help him. His exact words were: he doesn't want to drag me, he doesn't want to be a burden to me and when I said well I always had a possibility to walk away if this is too much he said yeah but I wouldn't want you to leave. This just showed me that he is afraid I will also leave and prob in the worst moment and he is also afraid he would sink into alcohol and drugs if that happened.
We did decide we will stay in contact and talk 1 a week, after the breakup he initiated the contact, he called me a week later just to ask how I am, I wanted to talk about everything once more so we even met last week and it is difficult cause I love him and although he says he currently feels nothing and is completely apathetic, I still see the glimpse of love for me in him. And that kind of also hurts cause I want to help, but can't help, and he is kind of staying away and pushing away and I just want to be there for him even though we ain't together. I told my friend other days it would hurt less if he were an a***ole and cheated because like this I have no real argument to believe he will be better soon and even if he is, I don't know whether he will still love me after that and whether he would even want to go back together. And I can't even talk to my friends about it because everyone is like don't wait for him, continue with your life and I just want them to shut up and allow me to believe in him and in us and that we can somehow overcome this.
I did focus on myself, that's the only thing I can do, I started doing sports, I'm doing a programming course, that gets my mind busy. I wrote him on Friday that he was never a burden for me and that he would never be that and if he needs me he can call me anytime. In the meantime I'm not contacting him, I'm trying to respect his decision that he wants to do this on his own and I'm giving him space. Doesn't feel like the right decision but it's the only one that I currently have at my disposal.
I feel you
@@cocokiwi1998 Thanks. Its still the decision that I dont want and I still feel its wrong decision but I accepted it. We still talk to eachother once a week, he says he feels bit better and more stable. Lets see what time brings us.
Hey Pam, I'm currently going through something very similar as well..I had moved in earlier this year with my ex and a few months ago we had even adopted a cat together. Last month he broke up with me for pretty much the same reason you mentioned as well about the "dragging me down wants to be alone to do it on his own". It hurts because I do want to still be there for him too, even when my friends say I should just move on and that there are always more men out there. It gets frustrating to hear that and feel like no one else you're close with understands. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves right now is to continue getting emotionally stronger ourselves and to love them from afar for now and see where it takes us. We agreed to stay friends so I will continue checking in with him too. I made the hardest decision to leave our cat with him too, because I know how much joy the cat brings him and I know she will help in ways I can't. So far he's been telling me that the cat has been waking him up every morning and giving him a reason to get up early in the day. I saw him yesterday and it's only slight but I can see that he has a bit more energy and seems a bit more happier. Best of luck to you and others through this tough time x
I am sorry for what you're feeling, i know it sucks
I've been suffering from the exact same thing for two years now and I don't know what to do
God bless your loyalty and may you get back together very soon
@@elenang6244 thank you.I wish you also all the best. Im currently like you said, focused on me and loving from distance. We speak once a week, we will see eachother soon cause I need to give him some stuff back, everytime we speak I just encourage him and let him know im here for everything. More than that I cant currently do.
Sending you lot of positive thoughts and energy.
Holy crap thank you so much, the last part about self love is what I needed to hear!
You're so welcome. Thank you for watching and do the self love work!!! It makes all the difference.
I have four kids, small and older and my husband and I have been married almost twenty years. My husband was a heavy meth addict for almost all of our marriage. I worked pregnant with our kids, times he would take off and meet someone else and leave me and the kids stranded in old houses in the middle of the woods with no vehicle and no food, the girls were both babies in diapers and my mom lived with me and I would walk to town to get supplies and work and pay our bills...then he would want to come home, always sorry and always saying he was going to stop. I would believe him because I wanted to and I desperately needed the help.
My husband lied and cheated on me for years..and I took it but it fucked me up in my head. We both started therapy while he was using and he would go but he didn't like that the therapist would place his actions on him, and not on me.
To say the least I have been through hell. One thing my husband didn't do was beat on me, thank God. So now almost 20 years we are old now. I am 42 and the sole bread winner in our marriage. My husband is almost 50 and has been sober for a year. He is in no program and has stopped therapy and church. He is now in a deep depression.
His depression is so deep that he is suicidal. He talks about it all the time. He once took a butcher knife and stabbed himself repeatedly when he was 25 and with his first wife. Her mother was a nurse and happened to come home early and found him and called an ambulance. So I do know he has it in him to do it again.
He refuses to get help and tells me all the time that I am having affairs while I'm at work. He tells me he knows I don't love him after all the things he has done and he should die and stop being a problem..what is strange is the feelings I am having. I feel totally shut out from a person I have been through a lot of even trauma bonding with and codependency and life..I feel him constantly pushing me away and the whole time telling me it is my fault.
I do not know what to do. This video helped me a lot. At this point I do these things.
Don't say anything when he accuses me of stuff. I just say oh okay.
I don't respond to any of the negative comments he throws at me through out the day.
When he does stuff to get attention from me, like pack a bag, I just ignore it and continue in with whatever I am doing.
I don't stop saying I love you even though he often won't say it back.
I am trying to be normal in the abnormal and it's taking all of my strength.
I used to look younger then my age and now my hair is falling out and training grey.
Customers at my job ask me if I am okay and say I look tired.
I am praying that this will pass and he will go back to being himself and sober but I have no support.
I have been sucked dry from supporting another person and getting nothing back.
My husband refuses to even meet any need I may have. If I say I need a hug he will refuse to hug me. I haven't been hugged by my husband for almost two months. He refuses to be close to me and refuses most nights to even sleep next to me, because all the affairs he claims I am having at work.
I feel totally alone and in a marriage it's not like you can just go out and start dating to get your needs met. So I feel like there is a big wall between me on both sides and I'm stuck.
As you see from the responses, this was a great video. You have a knack for articulating things in a way that opens a lot of doors. Well done.
Thank you! I appreciate that. Thanks for watching!
I was planning to leave my partner not because of her situation but because of all the hurts and reiection i'm experiencing with her,,the way she treats me compared to her friends is unexplainable. But when i hear and think of your advice hits me hard and realized what i was i'm thinking!? I'll try my best just to be by her side and to love her more without questioning myself worth and see where this relationship goes. Thank you and God Bless!
Thank u so much😣😣im dealing with this rn
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Wow the part that reached me was the self love part is the best way to love someone with depression. That was so beautiful n a great reminder.❤ Thank you
You're welcome. I'm glad it was helpful!
Thank you Rachael for this I really understood what was happening and you have just made me realise what was going on and made me wanting to stay by her side no matter what
My husband lost his best friend and brother hit while walking by a drunk driver, he had to pull him out from under the car. He is now very bipolar. He has told me the worst things about me. This was so good to hear because i know he loves me but h is hurting so bad. And yes i am a depressed person too so it has been a challenge.
Honestly, at what point is it ok to leave? Because most of this sounds like “you can love them no matter what.” While they make you feel unloved, and honestly, emotionally abused. Why would anyone choose that?
It's always okay to leave, at any point. That's actually the whole idea. There's not an amount of bad, abusive, depressed etc. that someone needs to be to justify you leaving. You can love someone, they can be an amazing person and you can choose to leave simply because you want something different for yourself and for your life right now.
This idea that there is some objective point at which it is okay to leave a relationship wreaks havoc on so many couples. It leads us to villainizing one another so that we can feel justified in choosing a different path. You can always leave. And every day you stay you are actively making that choice. That is true whether you are married for 30 years or newly dating. Every single day you stay with a partner it is because you are making the choice to be there. And it is always okay to leave. You never need a "good enough" reason. This is your life. Only you get to choose how you live it.
You have to ask yourself if you can handle feeling unloved and emotionally abused. And most people can’t handle that, and they shouldn’t have to. Which is why when someone feels this way, it is better to leave it where it’s at. When I ended things with my ex, before I ended things I asked him if he wants to fight for the relationship, and he did not give me a yes or a no, but he gave me excuses. The excuses showed me that it’s not a yes, and because it’s not a yes, I’m out. I will not be the only one fighting for a relationship. I deserve a relationship where someone wants to fight just as hard as I do, because I know my heart is solid and someone should be able to meet me the same way.
Thank you so much for this video. I am currently experiencing this with someone who I love and it is terrible hard because he has completely shut down on me and won’t communicate with me. It’s confusing and hurtful because before the shut down things were going good for us. 💔
I am on the same exact boat. She shit down on me. She believes she is not worthy. Told me to move on with my life and be happy. She said she needs to heal on her own and that it has nothing to do with me and she still loves me.
Because the “everything was good” was fake on their end. Their good version of themselves was the most uncomfortable version of themselves. Once they get comfortable, they unmask and you have the real version of them which is not the person you fell in love with
Thank you so much for this video. My ex and I just recently broke up due to his depression and anxiety from both work and past life trauma. I tried so hard to support him but only realizing that I could not entirely fix this for him. We ended things because he needs to do the work himself without the pressure of being in a relationship with someone; to find and love himself first. We agreed to still support one another from a distance. I am nervous though continuing to hold onto the idea of us being together in the future.
Something similar right now. How's it going? Did you get back once he felt a bit better?
@@giancastillo2958 We haven't talked since breaking up. I think it's for the better.
@@sydneyvail7957 thank u, I have been talking here and there but it'll take her months to heal. I was thinking of backing up even more and text her funny stuff. I really want to try again, to decide if I should stay. I know it'll be tough without self-love, as said in this video
Funny stuff could cheer her up. But at the end of the day, you have to focus on you. If it's meant to be she will come back to you when she is ready. Can't force/speed it up and wait around.@@giancastillo2958
What was the out come .. did you end up together
You make me weep lady. Thanks for identifying my illness. Most of what you’ve said is what I am going through.
You're welcome. I'm really sorry you're going through this... it's so hard. But there is hope, and light and even love. It's around us all the time, even when we can't see it through the pain.
I’m going through the same thing with my partner she just went Mia a month ago she was being hot and cold towards me and I thought she was seeing somebody else. but I soon figured out she’s going through depression as well as other mental health issues I reached out to apologize for what I said and that I’ll give her space. It sucks that I want to be there for her but I know she’s going through a rough time in her life but I gotta do what I gotta do in my own life while she sorts herself out. I was wondering if I should reach out to on her birthday since it’s in two weeks or should I not bother?
Oh thank you… found a key. You can still feel love even for people that are gone.
You're welcome, Billy. That one was a big key for me too. Thanks for watching.
They dont want you to feel the way they do. They dont want to be responsible for anothers downfall.
That may be partially true but when you evaluate it objectively the questions remains are they really a nice person? Are they self medicating and hiding it? What value do they bring you? Life is too short to not enjoy happiness with a partner who genuinely wants to be happy with you. IMO you have to drop a depressed partner and date somebody you can build and grow with.
@@cjking4511yeah, just because someone is depressed does not mean they are a good person necessarily. So I agree with you.
@@cjking4511I agree with this. My ex was bringing me nothing. And how did I figure that out? By stepping back and seeing what he personally does to help our relationship grow. And both of us figured out he has done nothing to make our relationship grow, he was hoping I could do all that work for him on his side, which is unfair to me because I did not get into a relationship to do the work of two people.
If you feel that you can be another persons downfall, then you shouldn’t be going for relationships. It means you are going into relationships thinking that another person with life problems can help you and your life problems. Very unfair.
@@ashley684and thats really the only ethical response. Doesnt mean you should live as a hermit, but you shouldn't be going into commited/romantic/intimate relationships. Absolutely agree
Heads up though- you will stand out. You will be targeted and ridiculed because its not normal to be single
Her descriptions are spot on - to the details.
Thank you so much for making this video, you can't imagine how much it is helping me to cope with my breakup and to be strong. My boyfriend of two years break up with me a month ago and cut off all communication until today. He suffers from severe depression, plus we had a long distance relationship so the feeling of helplessness is even greater. I would like to let him know that I am still here with him but I am not sure if this is what he needs at this time? For now I am focusing on my own projects and learning to accept everything that has happened.
Whenever I need strength to understand what is going on I come back to you video. Thank you.🧡
Hey there, how are you doing, I know how it feels to get heartbroken
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I wish my husband would understand that he can't fix this or help me with it. Its not his fault nor his responsibility. In fact, trying to cheer me up makes it worse. Either accept that I feel crappy, or protect yourself, but don't try to change the way I am. Let me express my feelings, even if it's awful.
And it’s not your husbands fault for feeling this way. He wants the person back that he fell in love with and you are ultimately not that person because of your own self.
I love this video. My depressed loved one, who I love sooo dearly, pushed me away, ghosted me for a long time, and now even blocked me. But I just know it's going to be alright again at some point. And I will go on loving him, even if I can not show it to him right now. He is the sweetest human being in the world, and his depression is not going to change that for me ❤
Thank you for this! Currently going through this and these tips really help!
I'm glad these are helpful! And I'm really sorry that you're going through this. If you'd like some more resources you can find some here: www.rachaelsloancoaching.com/journey-to-emotional-freedom
I'd also be happy to share some videos from a course I previously offered on this topic. If you'd like them drop me an email at rachael@rachaelsloancoaching.com
Thank you , this helped me a lot 🙏🏼 God bless you
You're welcome! I'm glad it helped.
I appreciate the time you took to make this video, it was very useful and helped me understand this situation more. Thank you.
You're welcome. I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for watching.
I needed to hear that. Especially after, forming a connection with someone. Who appears to be dealing with depression. A professional in being inconsistent and going mia. Withdrawing patterns and using their work schedule. As a way of. Shifting their thoughts elsewhere. The list goes on and on. The best thing I did. Was detach from him. I truly love and care for him. However, I love me more.
Oh gosh, I could've wrote this myself. We're going on two months of talking (neither of us are ready to be in anything serious though I'm open to something in the future) and now he's going through a bout of depression and withdrawing. I just don't think I could handle this as part of my life. I have enough ☹️
I agree with this. I think the lady in the videos approach is just prolonging something that is inauthentic essentially. While it’s never our fault, I don’t think the approach of staying and hoping self love will come along works. Especially when you are longing for a partner that shows up for you. Essentially you can practice all the self love in the relationship you will want, but in the end you are still met up with a partner that doesn’t want to show up for even themselves which makes it so hard to continue to try to do the whole self love thing while being in a relationship like this.
@@ashley684 well said
@@LovingMe732very much impossible to practice self love in a relationship like this. I had a person tell me today that relationships like this are 100%-0% ratio.
Hi! a new subscriber here.
How to deal with all this in a long distance relationship? My partner was very loving. He has a tough job with extremely pathetic seniors that might be exacerbating his depression. Often times, it was hard for him to manage texting me but i appreciated his efforts. A week ago he went into depressive episode and he hasn't replied yet. I called him twice in between and he answered and talked and said he'll get back when he is fine but I'm worried because he hasn't been away for this long. In our last conversation i asked him to seek therapy but he believes that no one can cure him with therapy. He just had one session and never took again. He gets bout of anger and depression. His psychiatrist has given him some benzodiazepine because he is unable to sleep. I'm being very patient, even in days when i need him and he isn't there for me and I'm always motivating him and showing him love and care. What can be done in this case knowing that it's a long distance relationship?
Hey Aisha, thanks for subscribing. You're right there is something different when you're dealing with this in long-term relationship: You reach out and you get no response. This can be incredibly triggering for somebody in your situation. It triggers your fears of rejection, triggers fears of abandonment and it triggers a fear of being alone.
There is one thing I would strongly encourage you to do if you are in this situation in a long distance relationship. I would encourage you to find out who he has to support him wherever he is. This is especially important if he is suicidal. Does he have someone and/or a network of people that he can reach out to and rely on in a crisis? And I would encourage you to have some kind of connection with those people because that is a way for you to stay in contact with him when he is unable to respond to you.
Otherwise, what you were experiencing is the same as if you were together physically. You reach out, he doesn't respond. He's under stress, he pushes you away. You are experiencing the same things you would if you were physically together, it just is exacerbated by the fact that you can't see him.
As far as how to deal with this, you have to start by facing your own demons. When he doesn't respond, what comes up for you? How are you triggered? When you fear for him, what comes up for you? How are you triggered?
I know that you want to help him and heal him. I want the same thing for my husband. And I can't tell you how difficult it is to admit that I can't do those things for him. What you can do and what you need to do is get square with yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? How do his actions or words trigger reactions in you? Do you like where you get when that happens? If not, where would you like to be instead? When you love someone who is fighting depression, you have to get incredibly clear about what you can and cannot influence, what you can and cannot control. If you do not get clear about that, you will find yourself fighting and struggling and feeling anxious about things you can't control, whether he is with you or 5,000 miles away.
As much as I know you want to make a change for him, the place you need to start is within you. What are you thinking? How are you feeling? Can you order that? Can you understand that? Can you shift that in ways that serve you better?
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For those like myself (Major Depression. I don't have extreme up and downs like those with bi-polar it's always a gauge of lows.) it makes it worse when dealing with a narcissistic parent. Who due to their own traumas will reinforce the negative thoughts to help push the break up and bring their child back to them. Mother gloated about the break up for a decade throwing it in my face every chance she got. Though having my mom tell me nobody will ever love me except my mother was too much and has pushed me to put myself back out there.
Been about 14 years since the break up with my ex. We have just started talking again. It hurts because I never quite got over losing her. We were two peas in a pod, the missing pieces of the puzzle. Our personalities aligned so much it was uncanny. The only person I ever felt I didn't have to hide anything about myself with. I miss them, but don't want to put them through that again.
I'm so sorry and feel like such a b**** for saying this. What I got from this video is loving someone who is not capable of reciprocating. I understand supporting someone who has depression just as if they would have a drug addiction or any other issue however at what point do you cut off and save something for yourself. Dealing with a depressed person after so long would have me feeling so emotionally, mentally, maybe even physically drained that is not fair to myself to continue to try and live my life with someone like this. The most you could do is help them get help so they can heal and have a healthy relationship. Maybe I'm not wording it right but dear depression would be harmful to you so why allow that for yourself? How do you set boundaries around something like this
Please don’t feel like a b***. I agree completely - in any relationship we have to be clear about our boundaries, both emotional and physical, and those lines can vary pretty dramatically from situation to with and from person to person.
For example, my husband struggles with depression and has days where he can’t reciprocate. Yet he also has days where he is the most supportive, loving partner I could dream of having. I have chosen to stay in this relationship, in part because I do deeply admire my husband and in part because of the personal growth that has come as I’ve learned to set emotional boundaries. Some people may choose differently in the same circumstances.
I have had clients whose spouses blamed them for their depression to the point of becoming abusive, and others whose partners followed depression into deep alcoholism that threatened the safety of their children. In those cases I almost always see them choose to leave the relationship.
If you are like me, then we are lucky to live in a place and a time where always get to choose whether or not to stay in any relationship.
As to how to set those boundaries… that can be a bit more complicated. In my experience the first step is finding emotional boundaries- not taking internal responsibility for how they feel, while taking ownership of how you feel. From that place you can choose to either leave or stay but do so without a lot of emotional drama or a need to villainize your partner.
I hope this is helpful. Thank you so much for both watching and sharing your honest thoughts and concerns 🧡
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach How long are your husband's bouts with depression? For a lot of us, these deep episodes go on for MONTHS and maybe more than a year. I don't think any human being has the patience or reason for this.
@@inpropagation honestly it was pretty solidly horrible for about two years straight. We closed a business, lost our entire savings in a bad investment and moved four times... trying to find somewhere he would be okay. It didn't work. It's been about five or six years now since it really started to be bad, and he is finding his way out the other side now, though there are still some days/weeks that are difficult.
It's different with everyone though. One thing my husband has never done is blame me for it, and honestly I think that's a big part of the reason I've been able to stay in the marriage and be with him as he finds his way back to life.
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach Thank you for your honest response. He is so lucky to have you. I hope things continue to get better!
I don't live with my girlfriend and she has shut herself in away from everyone at her parents' house twenty minutes away. Not sure how long I can hang on for.
I’m only 41 seconds in. But I wanted to comment before I continue….. I keep pushing someone who I am so I love with, and now a few weeks ago we are pregnant. My depressed anxiety and the amount of trauma I’ve had it’s to protect myself. I’ve had to just now call it off and myself will book an appointment for termination. I don’t want to push him away or not have children. Well with him I wanted too! And was so happy. Maybe it’s the hormones as well but. I’d rather not hurt anyone by keep pushing certain people away or have a broken family ( nothing wrong at all I just know deep down I don’t think my head will let me ). I hope watching this will give me some insight into myself on the other side. Really don’t want to make any rash decisions ❤😔
I left my wife because of her depression. The adverse affect it had on her kids too... it was like living in a nightmare. Best decision I ever made. Life has been wonderful since.
I'm really sorry that you had such a painful experience. It sounds like you are doing well now and have been able to move forwards. Can I ask if any part of you feels somewhat unresolved around that relationship still? I only ask because you watched this video, and I wonder why?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach You nailed it. Unresolved. I was 42 and a year out of a 20 year marriage. Thats when "Mrs Right and Perfect In Every Way", entered my life. A total upgrade from the last. So I thought. 6-7 months later, by then living together (big mistake on me) the depression very slowly, began unfolding. I held on 5 years. And yes, the shunning away is absolutely what killed it. Even after a year of marriage counseling. We had more intimacy together in 1 week at the beginning, than the last year at the end combined.
I believe my unresolved feelings had to do with "the idea". The honeymoon period. Hanging on in hope thar one day Mrs Perfect would return. I wanted her back so bad. But the woman I fell In love with wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She was a chocolate covered turd lol! Thought we could work through whatever. I was wrong. So, in self defense, we divorced 9 months ago.
You are really selfish. Like every man. Women have to look up to themselves because a man will always abandon.
@@globalsacrifice5248geez what did she do to you? 💀
That’s disgusting you saying best decision
can they lose feelings for you whilst depressed. and if so will the feelings come back when they are feeling better
This is a wonderful question.
It isn't so much that they lose feelings _for you._ It's that they lose feelings. All feelings. They often experience an absence of emotion.
They may say that nothing matters. That they can't feel anything. That they remember loving you but they don't feel love for you right now, or that they can't tell if they love you.
This can be incredibly painful to hear, but it has nothing to do with you and nothing to do with their actual feelings for you.
This is not an elegant metaphor, but perhaps it will help. Have you ever been horribly sick with a nasty cold or flu? The kind that knocks you out, so it's hard to even get out bed? When you are so drained, so empty and exhausted, and a loved one comes and tries to rub your back or say soothing things to you, you can't take it in. Maybe it's even irritating. You can't feel or touch a sense of love. You are exhausted. Drained by the act of simply breathing. It takes all of your energy just to be alive. There isn't room for emotions and you can't find them even if you summon the energy to look.
When your partner is experiencing depression they are not healthy. They are not able to access or feel their love for you. They may be frightened by its absence. It is a very disconcerting thing to look inwards and discover that you can't feel anything. You want to. You want to feel the glow of love, the warmth of connection... but you can't find it and you don't know how to get it back.
Yes, when they feel better, when they come out of a depressive episode, they will often be able to access those emotions again. But sometimes the experience of losing them for a time is very upsetting or disturbing. They may be afraid of hurting you if it happens again.
There is no simple answer to your question. However, I think that is the very thing you need to understand. What they are experiencing isn't as simple as "I love her" or "I don't love her". It's not about you or even about your relationship. Your partner is struggling to access any emotions, and when they come out of it they may struggle to explain or make sense of the void they felt when they were depressed.
It's really important that you get grounded and centered emotionally yourself, so that you don't take your partner's actions or words personally. Otherwise it is all too easy to get caught up in an emotional whirlwind yourself and end up exhausted or feeling broken down. When that happens you can't support them or yourself. How are you supporting yourself, emotionally? Are there other people in your life you can rely on and talk to?
@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach This reply helps me a lot. I feel like I finally have a better understanding of what my wife means when she says she doesn't feel anything or things feel different. The problem isn't me or that we got married. Because she can't feel anything she doesn't feel love for me. She cannot access that feeling. I only hope things will get better.
did things get better?@@brandonbolen8182
I am in a relationship with someone that I love more than my life itself, but I have watched as my depression has slowly destroyed the one thing that makes me feel something. We're still together, but the signs are there that I'm losing her. My self hatred and my belief that I don't deserve her love is really messing with my mind. This has happened to me before, and it's happening again. I'm lost and I don't know what to do. I cant continue living this way anymore. I feel no emotion, I feel nothing. I have everything I could ever want, a family, a partner friends, and my health. But I feel that I am useless and that my existence is pointless. I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you, I really needed this. Sending my gratitude 💜
I have a partner who is dealing with depression and bipolar. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this. Thank you!
You're welcome, I'm so glad this was helpful!
Me too. The safe place is just filled with arguments and sadness. I don't know why i try to save her all the time which i know i can't. I really love her more than anything. A part of her not able to express herself is hurting her too. I'm hurting myself so much by overthinking and worrying.
@@arvindshine6663 Sending hugs prayers and healing to you and your partner. You both stay strong. Your not alone in this. 🙏🏾🙏🏾❤
@@kookiemama2008 Thank you so much. Patience and time is key.
@@arvindshine6663 you just described me