All-or-Nothing Thinking: A Cognitive Distortion That Leads to Depression (#3)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 4 ต.ค. 2024
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All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion that can make you depressed because it convinces you that if you’ve messed up, it’s pointless to keep trying. Many people struggle with these types of thoughts, but you don't have to struggle with them forever. Learn how you can overcome this type of thinking and view yourself and your life in a more positive way.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
And deeper than all of that, the Gospel of Jesus Christ orients my personal worldview and sense of security, peace, hope, and love www.churchofje...
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"Your worth is not dependent on being perfect"
This made me cry
Me too
Yes it is.
Then on what base it depends on
@@212daniel3 on being happy
I think that explains why I don't have any hobbies. Whenever I see I don't meet some initial expectations, I quit. :/
Yup me too,even knitting I quit always immediately
I tend to try out different hobbies just to quit as soon as I don't see myself making any progress (esp. sports).
Interesting thought.
Same sadly
Same
"You've got to stay open to both success and failure."
"Speak to yourself in the way that you would encourage a friend. If you wouldn't say something to a friend, don't say it to yourself."
I seriously think the way that my family talked to me and treated me made me into an All or Nothing thinker. Slowly unlearning this way of thinking.
me too, seems like they put us in a way of thinking if we do a mistake our life is lost and we lose everything, so im constantly so afraid of my mistakes and imagining the worst scenario
@@Si2Si2Si3 I opened up buisness, created others on paper, and lots of other amazing things. I think my hope and Faith burnt out and my brain decided it had enough
Same
Same
Same here!
What really helped me to get out of this thought pattern was shifting it from "Oh I did it bad. I am bad at this." to "Oh I could have done that better. Let me do it better!"
It takes practice to think this way. But once it clicks, everything gets easier, because you give yourself more and more chances to actually improve.
The issue I have is when it’s not something that can be a do-over. For instance, regretting not speaking at your mother’s funeral. Or not acting at a necessary critical moment and you recognize later it was not your true self or represented your values to not act. Forever gone are those missed opportunities and it feels like you can’t get past it and you have now put yourself on a strange new course or direction in your life. You see your life as needing to be a culmination of events handled well. But life is always just this present moment and the past is simply memory.
@getango I really like this. Thanks for sharing!
Beautiful!
@@canonman223i know this well. But all u can do is accept learn from it and move on. Like u said we only have now but we like to think in all sorts of directions but now.
I have been told people with depression can often have unrealistic expectations and thinking habits towards themselves, their own life, and life in general.
Like seeing their own life in an overly negative way and comparing it to a fantasy life that is overly positive. Truth is there is positive and negative in most if not all lives.
Becoming more balanced and realistic in the way I see myself, my own life, and life in general will support me I think.
Yessss. This is a common ADHD trait and leads to my paralyzing perfectionism. I wish perfectionism meant that my home looked spotless but it’s the complete opposite. I’m going to keep digging into this all or nothing thinking topic and I really think this will help me get things done!
Step by step! You're on your way!
This is the most useful channel for mental issues ,I genuinely appreciate you guys ,thank you SO much 💓
I have also bought her course from Udemy.
Thank you so so,so much for these options and skills about "our minds";and how we think,or think too much about how "we think".Sincerely, Mary M
Emma is great! a walking ‘positive lesson’ in and of herself! and I am so grateful & thankful for her excellent work! It/she has been a great help to me, and I really appreciate it. Thank you, Emma!
She is awesome
Very true
1.Notice how you are thinking - Using extreme words, Notice in which scenarios they occur, look at them instead of through them
2. Does this thinking help me live the life I want to live?
3. Name an emotion instead of the distorted reality ex : No one likes me - I feel lonely
4. Explore other ways of seeing the problem - What do i learn that will help me do better next time
5. If we really want to change our thinking, we have to Chose to be vulnerable
6. Practice self compassion
It also helps me to take a couple of deep breaths relax and look at the broader perspective. To remind myself how far i have already come.
success is getting up each day and giving everything your absolute best, regardless of results. Please the people you see who are worth your time and who are genuinely interested in you
Yes ,people telling me to see positive made me so arrogant and even more anxious at one point in my life ,positive thinking made me even delusional and than the fall will eventually come and depression later than gets worse than before ,positive is just as extreme as negative
same with me.
may you find balance my freind dont be to positive or negative just be realistic. Be a practical dreamer backed by action. You can do anything but you have to have a reason why always question things and continue to learn always emty your mind to learn new things
@@lorenzosteele2531 to find realistic balance requires thoughts and emotions be channelled appropriately. Think of emotions and feelings as food fot he soul/heart. Challenge thought's don't dismisses. Just stay away from 2nd hand emotions research how to raise your emotional vibrations.
Positive thinking will get you so far but emotional intelligence needs educating. Resesrch words like traits if personality. Personality and elements. Get more idea if how we all react.
@@lalunacee9168 I just find heaving balance works for me so not to positive or negative
To find that we both more blessed than some then
New subscriber here. Thank you for this video. I have depression and an ED. Black and white thinking has been a consistent theme since I first developed depression 12 years ago. I often wonder how many opportunities were missed because of this way of thinking. What’s funny is that I was much better at seeing the shades of gray when I was a kid. I remember playing sports and being very accepting of not always winning, but also being determined to improve and to get up and try again. In 6th grade, I was the worst clarinet player in band. By 8th grade, I won “most improved student” and made the all-city symphony. I never felt defeated. I felt like I had an opportunity to improve, which is really such a gift. Amazing that my thinking was more refined and productive as a kid than it has been as an adult. So, instead of feeling defeated and remorseful for spending so many years as an “all or nothing” thinker, I am seeing an opportunity to improve. I am accepting of my faults and weaknesses, celebratory of my strengths and wins. I am not defeated; I am curious.
Teewinot
Fantastic points you have spoken🙂
I'm so thankful for such a sensible speech... Please, continue with your chanel. I'm sure you're helping tones of people.
I know for a fact that it has helped at least one person.
"Trying is the first step to failure." Homer Simpson
12:12 "choosing to be vulnerable" - right on the point!
Wow, I needed this 😌 I've been realizing lately that I'm pretty hard on myself. I've been telling myself lately things like "I haven't made ANY progress in my career in five years," and I'm trying to step away from all-or-nothing thinking and into the realization that I am making progress even if it's not huge or exactly what I imagined!
09:56 not saying "focus on the positive" - really good: realistic, sustainable
Yes, self compassion. Its something like, "to love your neighbor as yourself."
Thank you for your wise words
I suffer from BPD, and this is so helpful. I realized looking at this video that a lot of the things that I say to myself with all or nothing or black and white thinking are not true at all. It took just watching this video to realize that my self image is distorted and the way I think of myself a lot of times is not who I really am.
Some great ways to look at difficulties and mistakes in life. Some of us we're not taught healthy ways to deal and one reason we think in all or nothings is because we were taught this growing up. My parents were always saying "it's probably for the best you don't even try, honey". It was their way of keeping me dependant on them and enmeshed.
My parents were the kind that would tell me that they knew I was going to fail, but I was stubborn and was determined to embarrass them anyway. They always said that they were justified in watching me crash and burn. I was suicidal at 12.
@@candycain1001 So sorry you went through that. Our parents were so immature that they needed to put us down as children, the easiest target. Of course we are going to fail, we were children in the process of learning. It was up to them to help guide us. We survived despite them.
I loved the fact that you said you shouldn't always think positive with reasons as well. I always thought the same. Positive thinking shouldn't make you lose who you are - a human being.
Great info another words ,,evaluate,,,an apply, get comfortable being uncomfortable at times !!!
Thank you Emma! I really needed to hear this today. I lost my husband to cancer this year. Today I was fixated on the thought that no man will ever find me desirable ever again because I’m 48 yo. I will work on this harmful thinking. Thank you so much!
Staying alone is not bad either ,we also have to enjoy our own companies and love ourselves too 💓
Greatest ever, agreed.
This is such a needed video. Please make a few more videos on this subject.
This is probably the best mental health advice on overthinking on TH-cam
Wow this explains my thought process behind every sport I used to love then suddenly quit because I felt like I was getting worse, despite winning state competitions and performing well.
For me it was art once I started feeling like those who I showed my art to didn't care; I stopped showing people and was left with my self as a critic, my inner critic is a jerk!
Sarah Likes Pineapples
Over thinking/analysing is draining.. 🙂☘ that's the truth, simplicity is key to sound mind
Emma, you're doing a great job! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and advice, I appreciate you!
Wow! This is exactly what I am working through with my late-diagnosed ASD.
This is me when it pertains to dieting! If I mess up with one spoonful of a food on the "do not eat" list then I will not exercise or eat well for the rest of the day. As a matter of fact, I will pig out on ice-cream and chocolate candy. This is a never ending battle in which I am always at a loss. Hope I can be more mindful of this and change my way of thinking.
My ten year old son haa this problem so I'm goin to do a lesson on this subject and make it as fun as possible. Thank you i love your channel x
Wow, wish I had a mother like that. Who actually cared...
More importantly show him compassion, and he will learn it through you.
check out "live on purpose TV" on youtube. the guy that runs the channel has a very good attitude and you may like what he does. all the best.
After 3 years of searching I just started cognitive therapy. This was our firtst topic, and this video was a great addition to my session. Thank you!
"your worth is not dependent upon being perfect". Damn doc, Damn...that's some next level sh*t. Thank you!
So, what you did one month ago by publishing this video has made a huge impact on my life. I was at the point where all of my thinking was faulty. Now with the steps to use I feel some inspiration. Thank you very much. This is the first time I've seen your channel, perhaps someone higher up has placed you on my path.
Thank you for these videos. I can’t afford therapy or to go out rn as a high-risk individual, but this gives me access to skills I can use to help me until therapy becomes an option again. This is just the first one I’ve watched, but I already feel a heavy weight lifting from my chest, so I am quite hopeful & excited to see more!
I really feel for you. I’m busy reading a book by Russ Harris called “The Happiness Trap”. It’s based on ACT, like many of Emma’s videos. I have found the book eye opening. It might be something that could help you too. Take care fellow life traveller. Life is tough, but so are you
Thank you ma'am, I am preparing for a national exam, and the all or nothing thinking has taken a toll on me. I am trying to fight it, and I hope I'll get through.
U talk so sensible. Ur words are simple and helpfull. Im Neurosurgeon n going thro hardest part of life with divorce by A narcissistic life partner..u can understand huw much my brain n thot process is twisted, but i listened to ur talks..n its really helpful.
This should be taught in school. It must be a part of the curriculum. You are such a great teacher in the way you help people understand concept. Such valuable content.
Poor Emma.....if you cried in an interview that just makes me wish I could hug you!
It shows you're kind and fluent with your feelings- a beautiful person.
I wish I you the best, always.
Kind regards.
Hi. I guess I'm really late to this conversation. I have a very profound problem with all or nothing thinking. It's especially problematic with my eating habits. "If I can't be perfect, I won't try at all." This has done me zero good! Thanks for the helpful information. :-)
I hope you know how much your helping people and how desperate they can feel when they need this help and can't find it. From the bottom of my heart , thank you for your videos. Please continue to make them.
I seriously struggle with this. I think this is why I don't have any hobbies or a lot of work experience because I stress so much about being perfect that I don't even bother trying anything. And ultimately, this lead me to not being able to enjoy anything. It's so hard to undo!
You look gorgeous in this video 😍 from India. Thank you so much for doing these videos. They have helped me come out of a lot of traps. Helped me process my emotions bottled up for a decade or even more. God bless you.
She cried in the interview 😂 I just love this human
Replacing "but" for "and" has helped a lot.
I’m doing your big course. I just want to say this playlist is great thanks.
You're a beautiful soul. Thanks for sharing.
EXCELLENT!!!! Thank you so much. I'm so glad that I came across your expertise. God bless you ....you are a wonderful communicator, so natural, so helpful. xx
Thank you SO SO much! You have been so very helpful to me with my depression and identifying my negative self talk and how to identify and work through my emotions. These are skills I never was taught.
Nicole, How are you now? Be careful what you feed your mind. To feel better reduce negative thoughts and overthinking. Avoid comparing with others, reduce negative social media and avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Your breathing is closely related to the brain [mind] and gives relief from stress-anxiety. To relax sit on a chair or lie down, neck straight, eyes closed, avoid moving too much and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Never meditate with expectations but with awareness. Don’t fight your thoughts. With daily practice the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Observe your breath sensations before sleep, in college, at work, taking a walk, when reading, etc.etc anywhere-anytime. . Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a better life. Best wishes--Counsellor.
My successes were never affirmed, only my mistakes were focused on. Therefore, I tend to make that my continued reality.
Thank you for this video. I struggle immensely with black and white thinking and always struggle to find reasons why I shouldn’t mentally whip myself for making mistakes. All of your advice feels incredibly helpful and I hope that my subconscious can take enough of it in so I can respond with more self-compassion in my next cognitive distortion.
Wow! This was so timely and spot on for me today. I was struggling this morning thinking about my marriage, and seeing it only through an "it's already failed" lens. I saw this video and watched it before i left for work. Then i received a message from someone at work who referenced a quote by her signature about how we can't grow if we stay in a place out of a fear to stay safe. Your video and the quote really made me check my "thinking" and how i need to stay open to life and love especially during the toughest times!
Thank you so very much for all of your hard work and willingness to share!
Blessings to you and your Family Emma
Beautiful heart and soul! Thank you so much for your work.
Brilliant! So well explained! Human beings are not flawed...its our thinking thats flawed!
Recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, after spending my whole life being misdiagnosed. These videos are an awesome resource between therapy appointments. Thank you!
It is better to read the book Criticize the Child Within You, in which you will know everything, even the qualities of a good doctor, childhood traumas, and how to treat them.....
This is so helpful! I just discovered this channel and am so grateful to have found it. Blessings to Emma for giving so generously of her time and her knowledge.
you are a big heart for me madam! thanks for being there.🧡
Wow this video describes me very well. I've been growing out of it but haven't started making much progress until I turned 30.
I woke up very anxious today and your videos are the best thing that’s happened to me in a while!
I want to thank you for all the information I have learned from you. You are such a blessing. I get to understand my self better and deal with my problems with knowledge. Please post often.
This, in my 36 years of living, is the most informative video I’ve run to to! I totally suffer from all or nothing thinking for a long time. I’m self critical, but I soothe & encourage my friends and family! So backwards! I knew I had an issue, but didn’t know what it was called or HOW to alleviate it. I’ve also had a similar experience with job interviews...to the point where I formed a phobia of interviews!! Ughh😅 Thank you for sharing.
You are to kind I feel very comfortable to see each of your video..
I really want to hug you. I’ve been struggling to identify my issues and I got stuck. Started talking to myself again and doing some shadow work and this video has been one in a long time of mental health videos; this one scratches my brain and I can fully internalize it. Thank you so much.
Thank you. I’ve had the all or nothing mindset ever since I was like, ten. It’s been a latent but destructive issue that’s affected me in school and jobs.
You are a saint. Thank you for the tool I can use to keep healing.
Thank you ! You made me feel better and hopeful
I hope you know you’ve given hope and now information I’ve been looking for to heal my depression. I haven’t gotten up in almost 3 days, not only that, I don’t feel alone. Thank you ❤️
This was a fantastic video! I am an all or nothing thinker and a perfectionist. I always strive for 100% in all I do, and struggle with the belief that anything less is a failure. Or I won't even try if I think I can't achieve 100%. I have come to realize how destructive this way of thinking has been as I suffer from major depressive disorder and have my entire life. Over the past year or so, I have given myself a break and have worked on becoming more compassionate towards myself. I have been using many of the strategies you suggest and they have been extremely helpful in learning to accept my mistakes and failures as part of being a human being and the fact that my worth is not dependent on being perfect!
I’m curious to know how you came to believe in “all or nothing thinking”. Can you comment?
Boy am I glad I found this video. All or nothing is the mindset I apply for pretty much my entire life. It is such a hard thing to break out of
I really enjoyed this one. All or nothing thinking is definitely something I have done a lot.
My mom would always have to come in a "fix" it, saying don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, but it's definitely still something I struggle with. I'm really going to try some of these ideas and discuss them with my therapist. Especially now that I'm a new mom, I need to be more flexible and not allow perfectionist tendencies to get in my way of being a good mom.
This video helped me out a lot! I do have all or nothing thinking at times because I sometimes think I'm a bad person if I hurt people's feelings.
Thank you so much for making these videos. They are really helping me make sense of...basically everything. You are making a difference in peoples' lives.
Your thoughts are so coherent. I love them! Thank you !!
I love how this video itself puts you on the first step of combating this thinking, be aware of it. Thanks for the insights!
Thank you Emma, i like how you sound it, very warm and caring
It seems in some ways I am too hard on myself but in other ways too easy on myself. I can benefit from being both kinder & more compassionate and being more firm & self-disciplined with myself. Achieving a greater balance.
Thank you soooooo much for these videos! They have helped me so much! 🥰 God bless you!
I genuinely appreciate you guys ,thank you SO much
Thank you so much. Your videos really help me a lot.
"If you ain't first, yer last!" -Ricky Bobby
i always fall into all or nohing feeling all through ny life.. thanks for making this vedio all your vedios are really helpful.. thanks alot Emma
You are a literal angel. Thank you so much for all that you do with this channel ❤️
Thanks! This is helping me more than I can express… I’m a work in progress, but these videos and your courses are making it waaay easier.
I just had an interview (Ive been waiting for It since march) and after all this time finally they told me i wasnt the right fit for the role. THANK YOU I REALLY NEEDED THIS VIDEO
Your videos are really good! This video helped my fiance feel better. She's currently in a PHD Psych program so she tends to question the data when others try to help, because she also knows the research. I can tell from her response that you know what you're talking about. Thank you for posting these!
Thank you for making these videos. It’s been helping me understand, and help family who has depression. It’s a long journey, but it’s easier to use these tips along with therapy.
I can’t afford therapy so your account is so helpful. I’ve had a few concussions within the last year and I’m having to relearn my intuition and understanding my emotions again. I am so grateful for your channel and the amount of work and dedication you put into it. ❤️ thank you for being an amazing and helpful individual by creating this content.
It is better to read the book Criticize the Child Within You, in which you will know everything, even the qualities of a good doctor, childhood traumas, and how to treat them.....
Thank you for this great piece of advice!!. Thinking about the thoughts rather than thinking through the thought! :). You're wonderful!
You help me sooooo much!!
I knew there was a way out of anxiety, but I couldn’t figure it out completely by myself. I thought of you and what you’ve taught me when the dentist filled my cavity this morning, while crying and shaking because my dental health -neglection by my parents when I was a kid- is part of my mental health problem.
Dear Emma, I’m SO greatfull for your decision to try to help people all over the world, for free. ❤️
Johanna, How are you now? Be careful what you feed your mind. To feel better reduce negative thoughts and overthinking. Avoid comparing with others, reduce negative social media and avoid constipation as it affects the mind instantly. Your breathing is closely related to the brain [mind] and gives relief from stress-anxiety. To relax sit on a chair or lie down, neck straight, eyes closed, avoid moving too much and observe the sensations of your incoming--outgoing breath at the entrance of the nostrils for 5-10-15 minutes or more. Never meditate with expectations but with awareness. Don’t fight your thoughts. With daily practice the mind will relax. No deep breathing needed. Observe your breath sensations before sleep, in college, at work, taking a walk, when reading, etc.etc. Like me, make this a lifetime daily habit to have a better life. Best wishes--Counsellor.
Thank you Emma. Your videos are so helpful.
Thank you so much❤. You help me out of so much my self loathing. I appreciate all your advice.
I like your approach to this topic because it's unlike anything I have ever heard from any therapist.
You were great.... Thanks for sharing keep it coming
This was so important. Thank you
Thanks for the video. The timing was befitting to my personal situation.
Wow, I don't remember how I stumbled on your channel but very grateful, your words are definitely resonating; just wanted to thank you so much for what you're putting out there, very timely for me. Just went through a 4,000 mile relocation for my job and definitely noticing some of this all or nothing thinking as I adjust to a new place new home new challenges ...this was just incredibly helpful tonight. Thanks very much, Emma.
Excellent advice on rejection! Thank you for this Ms. McAdam!
Thank you for your videos which every reader can easily relate to. As others have written, you have the perfect voice and attitude for successfully conveying your expertise, in the simplest terms possible, as a psychologist to the viewers of your videos. Your expertise, time and efforts devoted to sharing your expert knowledge to us, the viewers, is greatly appreciated. Furthermore, I am personally pleased to observe that you are a psychologist who obviously practices what you preach. Please accept my appreciation and best wishes.
This was very good for me. Thank you.
Wow- staying open to rejection.
She is amazing and all so beautiful too I can't find anyone like her I gave up so glad to see her face when she pops up