Hi, I really love your content! Can you direct me to learning how to handle FAs in a long distance relationship (She is in Ukraine and I am in the US)? I am Anxiety Secure Attachment and I constantly worry that I won't be able to understand her well enough to make her feel safe and secure in being with me. Or how I can help her begin healing?
It's impossible to move forward together unless both people are willing and actually do their own work. It's so frustrating and painful when one person is willing but the other is not.
and you think its about you or about their feelings to you, when its really their own fear of committment. which makes them leave in the end. so traumatic
Yes. I'm going though it right now (for the second time), and it's very frustrating. This time around, I know I will move on at some point but can only hope she'll come back before it's too late.
Same! very not funny 😪 Feels like the worst draw in life to come in with this wound! Dating & life in general is hard enough & add this to the mix, feels like operating at a huge disadvantage. At least we know about it now - that it actually has a name. And thankfully, as per Thais & PDS, healing is POSSIBLE!!
@@Conscious58I know. I hate it because I stay away from secure people because my past traumas and wounds run so deep that I feel like they won't understand. I've never been one to even want to date. I think it was almost something I thought I should be doing. I've always been pretty content and fulfilled with my career, family, travel and my social circle that dating is on the back burner. I can't handle the unpredictability of another human I attach to.
Learning about the attachment styles really helps me to not take his behavior personal It just helps me to understand where they are coming from and how they feel ❤
Awww that's wuz up Same here I was beginning to freaking hate her n never look back. But looking into this. I understand completely. I love this girl n I'll stay in her life no matter what. It's not her fault for this behavior.
Limerence addiction can be a serial daters bliss. Yes, my FA said many of those things, people always change, made me promise to never leave her ( she discarded me instead ) everybody is always on their best behavior in the beginning on and on. That turned into you're too good to me, for me, I need space, I need to be alone, which lead to the text message telling me she was done which lead to her apologizing for the text not the message.
I loved a FA for eight years. Finally, we married. Three months later, before she moved in, she left me. She said she had to take a leap of faith and go it alone. Heartbreaking.
That’s really tough brother. I’m sorry for what you went through. I hope you were able to grow in wisdom from the experience, to forgive her, and to truly move on and begin finding the type of stable, healthy, reciprocally-loving relationship you want and deserve. God bless.
Sounds like you are a Christian. We are also. It’s hard for me to understand how she broke our vows just weeks later. I am crushed, and hoping she realizes that, with work, it can be fixed. But, I can’t change her.
Same thing just happened to me. We've known eachother 15 years. She was 15 when we met. Basically childhood friends. Six ears ago we reconnected and started dating. We bought a house and lived together for 3 years. Everything was great. We decided to get married. Worst decision ever. We'd still be together if it weren't for that. Immediately after she wanted to split. She told me at the wedding party that she doesn't even wanna be with me... as we pretend like everything is OK and family members surround us eating cake and drinking wine celebrating our union.
This is what happened to me. She says that I'm the love of her life...but she went back to her abusive relationship. So trauma bond on one side providing the familiar comfort of abuse, and "love of her life" on the other side, scaring her away, even though according to her, she had zero issues with me. I've steered her to this content, got her into EFT for trauma processing, and provided a crazy amount of insight and resources...but she just won't start real therapy and leave the narcissist...and half of it is because she just doesn't know what to do with real love. So we're not speaking now (my boundary until she can show some progress with leaving him). Sad.
You seem like a good guy. I think it’s time to let go and move on, my friend. She left you for the other guy and entered a relationship with him; actions speak louder than words and she’s given you her answer. Don’t take it personal, because as you know it’s not really about you, it’s about her and her unresolved traumas. But it isn’t healthy (nor frankly is it respectful) for you to “wait around” for her to leave this relationship-however awful it may be-in the hopes that she’ll change. It may be hard but you owe yourself better than that. “Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” - Jacob M. Braude God bless.
@@AnimeNewsRadio101 Thanks! Yeah, she thinks the change is real, but it's classic narcissistic hoovering (which I pointed out). She will leave in the end. The question is whether I will have moved on by then. I don't intend to wait around. Did enough of that.
attachment theory is never "half" of the reasons you stay with a narcissist! I'm so sorry you are going through this, I first must say that love or not love put the focus 100% on yourself and your feelings, if she doesn't reciprocate she doesn't, and you should act accordingly, and there is that. I know that it can be crazy hard. For attachment theory and navigating relationships this channel is my favourite, but for her situation, if you have desire and resources and irrespective of how your relationship will develop (so have no expectations), you could also recommend narcissism focused resources like Jerry Wise, Jay Reid, Michele Nieves.
This is really helpful as I try to navigate my relationship with an FA with CPTSD. She's beautiful and wonderful but very wounded. If you aren't patient, do not attempt at home. 🙂
@@Whatevermancer i'm sorry for your experience, unsure how treating one example as universal is helpful for *anyone's* personal development? did you know thais, the founder of pds, was FA? like *any* other group, there is a *lot* of variety & comments like "buyers beware" go against requests pds has made
i tried too, amazing woman, she doesnt realize that, we had alot of time in a long distance relashionshio, 2.5 years then when we were about to get together she started to act strange and cold, she said she doesnt feel love anymore, i was like wtf, im already prepare to live with you, i love her but im in not contact, i block her, i dont wanna deal with this anymore, my self-esteem got destroyed during these years, hot and cold, i was always thinkin what im doing wrong, what a waste of time and love
My FA leaning dismissive ex said at the time of the break up "maybe it just isnt meant to be, can't that be it?" as the excuse for the break up, instead of realizing it's just her fears of her FA attachment. Has anyone else experienced this?
Denial & apathy are common ways for dealing with complex trauma. She has a fearful-avoidant attachment style who was presenting her avoidant tendencies at that moment.
Listen to this... MY FA wife said that she realized she's suffering from FA attachment style and it's causing her obsessive intrusive relentless limerant thoughts about another man at her job. She said she really wants to fix her attachment style and be secure so she can leave me and then have a good relationship with him that is secure.
@@user-un6hq1hc8o I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds to me like her fears and flaring up due to unmet needs ect. Do you know your attachment style is? It's EXTREMELY important to know yours and hers and heal it. It's not our fault we are not securely attached but it is our responsibility
I left an awful relationship with someone that said they were an FA. One of the best decisions I ever made. Last I heard she went back to her ex. She liked holding onto exes. I ruled that out for us.
Worst relationship I’ve ever had is with a FA. They disappeared abruptly when I was asking about defining the relationship. Hurt me a lot! Then they hold grudges against me for a long time (don’t understand). Then they came back to beg me to get back together with them after a couple of months. They cried, they said they would change blah blah… I was like WTF?! Now I know it a bit more, that jerk is not only a FA, he is also a vulnerable narcissist. I’ve blocked him from all possible ways. Don’t want them to come disturb me anymore.
@@phyllisq.553I’m sorry for your suffering. May I ask, did you think your ex was an FA for a long time? Did they identify as an FA? I can somewhat relate to your experience as it reflects some of my own. I read the book “Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirzha and it described my ex supposed-FA about 70-80%. What was most striking was how the ex partners of them felt during the relationship, it described how I felt about 90-95% accurately. Gave me chills.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Thanks a lot for sharing it with me. I may go get a copy of the book. Yep, when he came back and asked me to get back with him again, I pointed it out. At the beginning, he denied it. Then I showed him the book “Attached”. He admitted that he is FA, and he said he leans to anxious side a bit more. He was begging to go back, but in the meantime, his behaviors were still extremely self-centered. I feel I can not tolerate more… I don’t care about him anymore. But I feel like reading more would be beneficial for my future dating journeys. Thank you!
My ex was in a lot of toxic relationships, physically and mentally abusive, constant cheating. Our 1 year relationship overall was great, we care and help each other a lot, spend time with each other every weekend, and whenever he is free during week days after work. We have a lot arguments at the end, but before he broke up with me, we talked it out and seem like everything is going amazing for a week. He suddenly distant himself and not answer my message for 2 days while going away for training in another city, then said there's something missing romantically in the relationship and nothing can fix it right now. He said nobody has treated him as good as I did, I was super sweet and amazing to him. He just wants to stay friend and he know I probably hate him right now but when I feel okay again, he just wants to stay like that (means being friend). I am super confused and hurt since he worked so hard for those toxic relationships, but for our, he just gave up and has never communicate to me. Will FA ever think and regret leaving a good relationship? Will he ever reach out?
Really need to fix your mental health, I control my emotions and my mental health. Plus, I stop drinking coffee. You want a relationship, fix it for yourself.
My ex was the same way. We were so good together when he just let us be, but he had to sabotage it every time by starting a fight or doing something to try to start a fight. He just couldn't handle it when things were going well between us. 😢
04:30-07:00: my hands started to sweat, head began hurting and heartbeat rose just listening and thinking of why I'm clearly FA; seeing childhood images, feeling the memories, remembering adult relationship disasters. Just want to make these feelings stop. I felt more hopeful being told that a different possibility exists but, damn, hurts just starting this work. Can see why people drink Soma and Victory Gin, wanting to disappear completely.
Yes, I left my husband, a good man who loved me. He is securely attached. In the 35 years since, I’ve had very difficult relationships and have been working on myself. So glad to have found your channel. Thank you for all the helpful and easy to understand information on attachment styles.
@Karll541 That's exactly what she is saying. A woman left me cold turkey not too long ago while things were PERFECT (minus the distance). I told her not to make a decision like this under the influence of intense emotions (fear), but nahh, she didn't want to. "It's protecting her." It was short, yet I'm still trying to move on. So ridiculous yet painful.
I am a FA working hard to become secure and I just want to thank you, Thais, for your content and hability to make us feel seen and understood and, at the same time, take accountability for our healing and the way we show up in relationships. I took 4 courses at the school and intent to continue learning from you. Thank you so much! Merry Christmas! ❤
As a non fa person ever called you out in a relationship? I had a break up cycle happen over and over again. It dawned on me what kind of person she was. I sent her some articles that she was sabotaging relationships with her behavior and I got ghosted 👻
@@Karll541 yes. I've always been self aware of my destructive patterns but didn't know I was FA till recently. What I can tell you is that the shame we feel because of the way whe behave is imense, almost unberable. I have an FA friend and we talk about how we don't mean to hurt the person we love but sometimes the pain from the triggers is so intense that it feels like we will dissolve and we end up behaving in a way that causes us imense shame. And I know it can be really destructive. I'm working on myself now because I want to live in peace. Maybe she can't aknowledge yet her patterns or maybe she fells ashamed for being called out. I'm always leaned more anxious so I always took to the heart what people told me. If she is more avoidant it can be more difficul to look inside.
@@carolinaluz_lumiar thanks so much for the response. My head is still spinning by the ordeal. Funny enough I suggested compromises on the issues and he it seems she didn’t have any desire. I think for her it might be a recent phenomenon. I think she sabotaged her recent marriage of 3 years because for some reason she started shutting down and stopped communicating her feelings. She hopes to have her mind read in a sense so she doesn’t have to voice any of her needs or wants and I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be hear no if she were to voice her needs and wants.
@@Karll541 yes, we don't think our needs can be met because they never were when we where growing up. And we have such difficulty being vulnerable because the pain and shame of not being validated and not having our needs met is unberable. I feel emotional pain so strong that it gets physical. She seems more avoidant for what you said. I can imagine it has been really dificult for you, but just know that she is not avoiding you, she is avoiding her pain and shame. I hope you can heal from this and find the love you deserve 🙌
@@carolinaluz_lumiar that’s amazing you’re so self aware. Is transformation possible? It felt like pulling teeth but eventually I could get her to admit what she was upset about but it was so emotionally draining to do so. And often just before the conversation I would be criticized severely. But thanks for the well wishes. I’ve never felt so scarred from a relationship but talking about it with others helps the healing process
I love all of these videos as I am going through a tough time with my Avoidant partner. I am definitely the Anxious one. It definitely helps me cope with the grief and overwhelming feelings I am facing when there is information on how to process it. You can put yourself in their shoes. The worst part for an anxious person like myself is that ice/cold no contact time, it's the worst. :(
Hey, I'm going thru the same stuff, it really sucks. I'm just learning about Avoidants and she definitely is. I'm amazed that this describes some people so well. I'm learning it's just not cool and it's hard dealing with an Avoidant. I'd rather deal with someone who loves company and to be wrapped up in my arms and cared for the way a woman should be. The running away stuff is just ridiculous and hurts. If an Avoidant heals that'd be great! I'm on edge whether or not we're getting back together is up to her and I hate it being up to her, in just waiting and it's horrible. I wish you luck and send you a big big hug 🤗 ❤
My bf would always cause a sabotaging drama whenever we got too close and break up then distance himself for months im so frustrated cuz when its good its good.
I have so many favorite PDS videos, and quotes, bc why? Bc Thais really understands the human condition and how we attach. My newest favorite PDS quote is exactly how I feel 93% of the time: "Pin-balling". "Rollercoaster". "Mind-warping for each person". Consumed with, "where am I at? What do I feel today? Should I stay, or should I go? Are they leaving or are they staying?"
Thanks for explaining the FA mind to the world in such detail. It needs to be remembered though, that FAs are not acting or reacting to a blank canvas. The partner's own Attachment style greatly influences which side of the pendulum the FA will swing when triggered. Without that environmental impetus, FAs can be fairly secure on their own, and that's why they take a step back to analyze their thoughts and feelings to align them and make a clear picture of what that relationship looks like, feels like and where it is headed.
I think I’ve been dating a fearful avoidant for 5 months lol. We had a strong 3 months and there’s been a gradual pulling away over the last 2. Currently, It’s been 2 weeks of no contact so she can figure out what’s going on. She assured me it’s not a breakup but since the relationship got real and strong I feel she’s getting cold feet. Kind of a bummer but makes sense after watching the video. Thanks for the insight.
Same here, even though there was some testing/sabotaging during the first 3 months (but after talking he was reassured and everything was back to normal) He spent the 3rd month saying how much he cared for me almost every day and then he started to pull away a bit until he got scared to death and pulled away completely. He popped up last Monday like nothing happened and then disappeared again. I tried to fix but that was pushing him more, so I pulled away too and we are in no contact since last week...hoping he would process everything and figure out what happened (PS: he is in therapy right now for a family situation that was stressing him a lot, but that situation is also connected to the way he is and the way he acts, so hopefully he will be able to work on himself and understand things)
exactly the same happened to me. but the pulling away was also the end.... from dating to honeymoon, she became so anxious, used all her deactivating strategies and then that was it.... any update on your side?
I've been dealing with a man that has been in my life over 15 yrs. We saw each other off & on for 4 yrs way back when & then 3 yrs ago reconnected. It's been a roller coaster ride! I know he had several relationships he got hurt in but a very horrendous one that hurt him really bad! He just came out of one when we got reconnected. He gets close then he ghosts. He's done this several times in the 3 yrs. I've tried to decide if he's a Narcissist or fearful avoidant? I've studied alot on both. He's came back to me again & says he knows I'm what he wants. I'm willing to yet give him another chance for I really love this man. Even if not in a relationship I've never quit loving him. I told him I'm almost getting used to him running. He apologized. I guess we will see.
My husband and I were separated for several months and we were working on our marriage.I thought he was set to move back in.He did after 3 days.I came home.His stuff was gone and when I called them he said he can't do it
Personally, I really appreciate your insights on this attachment theory topic. I am ever learning from your videos and it has helped me understand myself and others alot. I myself am an FA looking working towards having a secure attachment in my present and future relationships. This knowledge is important for everyone to know if they want to lead a prosperous and happy relationships.Thanks Thais.
Yes 100%! I posted about it on here. I’ve avoided for years! In the process of healing, but a work in progress. The unpredictability, the making a mistake again, missing red flags, feeling stuck again! So much!
@@TMH792 I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. I grew up with two very toxic & abusive (I think narcissistic) 'parents') It took me a lot of effort & work to permanently & forever escape & heal from them (We are No-Contact Estranged for almost 16 years now at my decision. And I have spent this time working on myself & trying to heal & grow, yet I am so scared of getting into a relationship with someone who is as bad or worse than the "Parents" & that is too great of a risk for & to me.
I’m a volatile FA. My last relationship I would have major emotional outbursts. It would be back and forth with the hot and cold also. I would try to avoid and do my own thing at times. Then that need for closeness would come back and my anxious side would kick back in. It was a rinse and repeat cycle. Until she got to the point of wanting to get more serious. That’s when I became more avoidant and left the relationship.
@@Karll541 yeah bro. This attachment style is hell. Like you want closeness in your relationships but then as soon as someone wants to get close you pull away. It does have the dismissive side where you basically say fuck it and just shut down and avoid also.
@@Psych1_- I’m now working on becoming secure. So I am only looking for healthy relationships now. We both had our insecurities which caused the relationship to be toxic. So probably not.
Thank you, Thais, for this content and your sincerity. This video was for me. I was feeling a bit sad and reflecting (because of last year this time, an important day), and coming indoors, I find this on the computer: more or less the situation with my (former) lady. I will watch it again. By the way, that's a nice background, the painting. Merry Christmas!
with my last ex, we were dating for 3 months then became exclusive for 2 months until he broke up with me suddenly. i thought he was secure (which is a nonnegotiable for me) but after i said i love you to him for the 1st time, he later confessed to me that night that he hasnt been doing well mentally & people have been commenting about him being "off." he said he knew he shoulda dealt with his issues while he was single for 2 years before dating me, but it didnt come to his attention until other people started commenting to him. i know he became very insecure what seemed very quickly. he was everything i wanted in a guy. im not sure what to think about it all.
It's nearly 4 yrs with my DA/FA living with him last 8 months, I stupidly gave up my home. I have tried, given everything I have. Now sleeping in different room with the door baracaded.
Be careful, safety comes first. I had a similar situation with a narc and ended up moving out my own home. Slow fade and eventually cut ties; go far, far away.
Thank you. I really appreciated your advice. I understand Slow fade but how can this work under his roof? I'm just keeping myself small, quiet and not engaging. Apologies and I hope you're well and happier 💗 ❤️
Not sure what happened in the last relationship I had. It was intense, fast paced (too fast for me) and he pulled back. I ended it because I felt like I was being strung along and being lied to. 10 days no contact now, it’s torture because I’m still attached. Last contact I had from him was telling me I was worth more than he’d given and was able to give at present. An apology, how great I was and that he cared about me. 🤷♀️ I’m heartbroken. 😢
I'm so sorry. I dated someone who did something similar. I'm a FA, but he is a DA and it broke my heart. I've done a lot of healing with PDS, but I still can't shake the resentment at times. I mean, I never seek anyone out to date because I understand my faults, but when they come in hot like that only to say "I love you, but you deserve more" I think then why did you even bother with me? I still love and have a soft spot for DA's, but they aren't upfront (in my experience) which leaves me confused and hurt. It honestly makes me never want to date again.
@@LeeChrissy I understand exactly what you mean. I’m not sure I want to date again, it takes a lot of courage to let someone in as an FA. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too, it’s truly awful feeling invisible to someone you love.
@@joancollins3457 the worst part is that we've been good friends for years and I'm so disappointed in him. I understand his wounds and why he does what he does, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think you reach a certain point in life...esp when you're 40 and up that you should really be more aware and caring of how you impact others lives by entering into something you aren't fully committed to.
@@LeeChrissy sadly I think many just repeat the cycle over and over without doing the healing required to enable them to have healthy relationships. It’s hard and it’s painful. I did three years of intense training, which required introspection and visiting past trauma from childhood to qualify as a therapist. Ironic how the first person I let into my life after doing that work matched my old childhood wound. A life lesson and a test perhaps… I imagine it’s as frustrating for you as it is for me knowing exactly what the problem is and being unable to do anything about it. It’s something only they can do and it has to be what they want to do for themselves. Healing from trauma and growth in self awareness comes in your 40’s in my experience. Patience is a friend here.
22 years in and a child. He started using meth and I had to walk away. Instead of trying to stop and work it out he attached himself to another meth user and told me that our daughter and I deserve better and that all he would do is hurt me. Now I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces at 43z
I feel bad for the other person as well. Leaving out of the blue probably made no sense to him. I feel he also had FA so I could just imagine how he felt. When your a teenager and things get real it can be very scary. The next phase of our relationship would have been long distance relationship and then marriage. Now i did want to marry him but the thought of be away from each other for a year then get married was to scary for me. I said none of this to him i just started dating someone else. He has had bad relationships ever since and hes in his 40's now.
Yes, as an ex- of an FA, I can say that "leaving out of the blue" made no sense and was emotionally devastating to me. My FA rationalized it away ("...it will be the best for both of us...") but in reality it was like she committed suicide in front of me, with no warning. Let that image sink in for a few minutes. I know enough about FA to understand why rapid deactivation ("cut-and-run") feels right to you, but I think it would be a growth step for you to understand how it could be affecting -- or even wounding -- your ex-. I also think it would be a growth step for you to acknowledge and accept responsibility for the emotional harm you have done.
Year long relationship that felt like it was going somewhere, hit a few disagreements (power struggle) and he ran. Did no contact for 3 months but then hurt me more by taking me off his social media. I contacted him to say I was hurt and he said sorry he didn’t feel we were ‘right’ but right up until the end he was telling me ‘happy first year together’ etc Now he is back on dating apps using photos from our holiday together and we have blocked each other. Hard to understand how he can be so cold after starting to get to the proper relationship stage. 🤷♀️😢💔
Any update on yours? my FA ex was cold and said there's something missing romantically in our relationship, he just want to be friend and stay like that in the future. I was super confused since 3 weeks ago, he jokingly said he was still in the honeymoon stage. how are you not in love if you are in the honeymoon stage? he has never said I love you or call me bae though, he called me boo or some other pet names, so I know he is not emotionally there. It hurts but I have been doing no contact.
Great relationship to who? I'm a FA and if I leave, it's not great. Then again, I used to tend to date people with specific traits so it's easier for me to leave a relationship although it doesn't work if I get attached. Thank goodness for the healing I've done with PDS because my way of dating was so unhealthy. After getting hurt so much in the past, I really wasn't sure how to properly navigate through dating. I don't ever purposely try to date either. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I knew dating me wasn't a picnic because I can be so laid back, loving and funny then pick a fight out of nowhere and leave. If you're going to date someone like me and you pick up on these traits, it's best to have a conversation ahead of time to make sure they're doing the work to heal because an unhealed FA/DA can hurt you in ways you never thought possible and it can takes years to recover. 💔❤️
What insight you have. My breakup with FA after a four year relationship/situationship broke my heart. It was a peaceful,harmonious one. He pulled away and monkey branched to another. I am secure. In hindsight, I realize I am better off now. I am healing after four months of NC. Now that I am aware of the attachment styles, I can recognize the red flags. I have no anger anymore, but neverr again!! I would rather be alone.
@@Flufero23Dated a whiplash inducing woman who made me an offer I had to refuse. After 300+ days of no contact I met an awesome woman sweet as cherry 🥧 🍒 pie. The 🌎 needs serious healing and peace but it will never be achieved appeasing the psychologically disordered. If it’s you or them choose YOU every time ❤
I’m gonna be fucked up for a while. I really cared and loved her. The constant break ups hurt me a lot. Then one day she said some hurtful things and then disappeared. Has messed me up. Would love to have that 1 conversation to try to clear the air but she doesn’t want to have it. Maybe she comes back maybe she doesn’t but I feel trauma bonded like she’s some prize to be won.
@@Karll541 it's so hard to hear this as it sounds so much like something I used to do to my exes. I'm sure it hurts. If you aren't blocked and you have something to say just to give yourself closure, just write a message without expecting anything in return...a response. As for her, she needs to figure out how to heal herself in her own time. We run when we're triggered and feel unsafe. What attachment style are you?
@@LeeChrissy I am secure but have some anxiety issues but I have gotten pretty good about controlling them. I did send a few messages but wasn't really concise and I feel I held back some emotions. It feels a bit embarrassing to say anymore. In the last one I told her sabotaging behavior and harmful ideals would leave her angry, hurt and disappointed. I told her she holds the key 🔑 for love and you just have to unlock it. Then I told her I'd be there for her if she wanted to reconcile or compromise. But looking back that seems like finger pointing but I really want her to become self aware
I think my relationship with my FA bf is causing me to turn from a strict AP to an FA leaning very far AP. It’s been a bit shocking. I’ve never found myself afraid to talk at times and scared of conflict as I’m used to facing it vigorously…. I don’t want to lose this relationship as I feel love is the undercurrent, and maybe we have a chance to get healthier and make it work better with the hard work required. We are both in individual therapy. I hope that we can learn to coregulate better because things are close to ending after 2.5 years. 😔 There is sex addiction present and unless it’s really worked on eagerly immediately I’m not going to make it much longer. Thais I would love if you could do videos on couple’s coregulation tips for various styles. Thank you for all you do! XO
I feel like you can’t be a FA unless you’re really attractive. Could that be true? The FA always seems to have the upper hand in the relationship. Or of course they are picking partners where they will have power over them
Being emotionally abused by a partner till I die of cancer like my mom because my financial power is less than my partner. Because I don’t know what a compatible relationship looks like and I feel worse in relationships.
Beautiful, one love joy respect light unity guidance kindness to you great teacher. Feels so good to start each day by watching & listening to such a centered heart & well researched mind. .
I watch this crap as a way for me to self soothe, as if knowing makes a difference. Reality is, this person was trash. You can give and give and they will suck you dry and leave you where you stand as if they never knew you. Does it matter wtf they feel? No. They didn't give a shit when they were with you, it shouldn't matter when they leave.
I wanted to be sympathetic to these people but the emotional damage they conflict on their partners is so cruel. Perhaps they’re not narcissists but they’re abusive and irrational
@@Karll541 Yeah it's the style that's most likely for a narc to have, but there are also good people with sincere intentions and their fear just gets the better of them sadly
We both took the quiz and we are both fearful avoidant myself and my husband. We've been together for 28 years. Is this unheard of? Are we definitely fearful avoidant ? Or another attachment style Thanks
My FA would bolt as soon as she would get close. Literally disappear for a few weeks. I have moved her status to remote friend. I don’t care any more! She would send me photos of her, then we would connect then she would bolt. She had a severely traumatic childhood.
My ex always talked about love being pain he didn't like it if we got to close he also had Abandonment wounds and he apologized a lot for really small things but had a hard time Apologizing for big things he constantly asked me if I was mad at him i feel like the person he dated before me was mad at him all the time it was a very toxic relationship with his ex he dated before me I feel like he was anxious in the beginning and middle of our relationship he chased me and initiated most of the Conversations because he didn't feel like he Deserve love then once it got too close , he would push it away he could be very sweet and loving Just not very vulnerable For me, I like closeness I know love is not pain love is beautiful I have to be vulnerable Because I know what I deserve in a healthy relationship i feel like if you Can tell your partner what you need and how to meet your needs without blaming or shaming It's like giving them the road map to your heart I always ask How can I meet your needs? It's not all about me we are in this together I also feel Reassurance is very important in a relationship and Listening compliments and Conflicts resolution 🥰 ❤
I went through this with one of the students in your school, who then proceeded to use attachment theory and other general mental health stuff to remix the entire reality and throw blame on to me, so that she could avoid things within herself.
Be compassionate, but don’t be afraid to be yourself. You can never predict what will scare someone away and you can’t walk on eggshells to make sure they don’t run away.
@@user-qp6ts2dp5g i started having deppression ,anxiety..doing the cleaning watching over our baby 24/7,always belittled..and felt like alone..dead energy in the house.he was always saying :you dont bring nothing to the table😒
Can FAs end up triggering each side of themselves by any chance? What I mean is when an FA is anxious can they get so anxious and overwhelmed that they end up triggering their own avoidant side without any external influences? Also, say for example they have an ex (they are not truly moved on from) who they are still anxious towards can this lead to them becoming suddenly avoidant with a new potential partner? As in they are somewhat projecting their fears of their old ex onto their next without the new person doing anything triggering at all?
Thais, as much as I love the idea of love, I just can't help but think it's just some sort of fiction. A thing that only exists in movies and fairytales 😅.
@@GGGG_3333 haha, well you'd have to look at real relationships that function and last and see what they're like and how they got together. Couples that are in the 'happily ever after' stage that all the stories conveniently leave out.... I bet their story didn't go exactly like you see in the movies
Violeta Out. What she was doing was so toxic but I could deal with that - what I couldn't do is that she really refused to understand that secure way is a good way xD lol xD everything secure was absolutely shocking for her to understand
Okay here's my question, what's the difference between a fearful avoidant and a narcissist because they both seem like they're one of the same???? And one more thing it's not the world's fault that something happened to them as a child get over it, or quarantine yourself from normal people
Suggestion for a fearful avoidant person - please stop coming forward and then moving back into the screen. It's most disconcerting and makes me feel seasick and upset. While you're talking about people in our lives coming in and pulling back you are strongly doing it to me in my face and I can't hear your words over the loudness of your imagery
@@ashton1952 huh? Plenty of non DAs check this to figure out wtf is going on. Relax. Poor form is ghosting, running and allowing fear and srlf preservation to guides ones relationships . Xox
It sucks. Dating a month. Seemingly going well. A peck on the lips is it. Period. Then they ask to events. They drive themselves. They say they do make love. I don't believe her. Cold as ice when alone. Got to go!!! Call ya tomorrow. I know she's damaged. I don't see her getting intimate. Time to talk to her and either say goodbye or she gets avoidance help.
Really? Only a month? I need several months before I sleep with someone and I have a high drive and will then sleep with my partner all the time in a really enthusiastic way. Lol. She’s getting to learn to trust you. That’s why she drives herself places. I’m the same way. A month is not long enough. If I was being pressured that soon I’d definitely not give anything to anyone.
Year long relationship that felt like it was going somewhere, hit a few disagreements (power struggle) and he ran. Did no contact for 3 months but then hurt me more by taking me off his social media. I contacted him to say I was hurt and he said sorry he didn’t feel we were ‘right’ but right up until the end he was telling me ‘happy first year together’ etc Now he is back on dating apps using photos from our holiday together and we have blocked each other. Hard to understand how he can be so cold after starting to get to the proper relationship stage. 🤷♀️😢💔
FAs is this something you have done? Let us know your thoughts in the comments ❤
Hi, I really love your content! Can you direct me to learning how to handle FAs in a long distance relationship (She is in Ukraine and I am in the US)? I am Anxiety Secure Attachment and I constantly worry that I won't be able to understand her well enough to make her feel safe and secure in being with me. Or how I can help her begin healing?
Getting a bit confused: what’s the different between a fearful and a dismissive avoidant ?
Never again.. i swear to god, its been almost a year of no contact and I'm doing great again. What a time to be alive ❤
It's impossible to move forward together unless both people are willing and actually do their own work. It's so frustrating and painful when one person is willing but the other is not.
and you think its about you or about their feelings to you, when its really their own fear of committment. which makes them leave in the end. so traumatic
Yes. I'm going though it right now (for the second time), and it's very frustrating. This time around, I know I will move on at some point but can only hope she'll come back before it's too late.
Am I the only fearful avoidant who is terrified of dating and avoids it all together? 🤷♀️😅Great video!
Lol same here. I purposely stay single. Someone has to practically break into my house in order for me to notice them.
@@LeeChrissy 🤣 Same! Funny not funny! 😫♥️
Same! very not funny 😪 Feels like the worst draw in life to come in with this wound! Dating & life in general is hard enough & add this to the mix, feels like operating at a huge disadvantage. At least we know about it now - that it actually has a name. And thankfully, as per Thais & PDS, healing is POSSIBLE!!
@@Conscious58I know. I hate it because I stay away from secure people because my past traumas and wounds run so deep that I feel like they won't understand. I've never been one to even want to date. I think it was almost something I thought I should be doing. I've always been pretty content and fulfilled with my career, family, travel and my social circle that dating is on the back burner. I can't handle the unpredictability of another human I attach to.
@@LeeChrissyim screaminggg 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Learning about the attachment styles really helps me to not take his behavior personal It just helps me to understand where they are coming from and how they feel ❤
That's what I'm trying to learn
Awww that's wuz up
Same here I was beginning to freaking hate her n never look back.
But looking into this. I understand completely.
I love this girl n I'll stay in her life no matter what.
It's not her fault for this behavior.
same
Limerence addiction can be a serial daters bliss. Yes, my FA said many of those things, people always change, made me promise to never leave her ( she discarded me instead ) everybody is always on their best behavior in the beginning on and on. That turned into you're too good to me, for me, I need space, I need to be alone, which lead to the text message telling me she was done which lead to her apologizing for the text not the message.
I loved a FA for eight years. Finally, we married. Three months later, before she moved in, she left me. She said she had to take a leap of faith and go it alone. Heartbreaking.
That’s really tough brother. I’m sorry for what you went through. I hope you were able to grow in wisdom from the experience, to forgive her, and to truly move on and begin finding the type of stable, healthy, reciprocally-loving relationship you want and deserve. God bless.
Sounds like you are a Christian. We are also. It’s hard for me to understand how she broke our vows just weeks later. I am crushed, and hoping she realizes that, with work, it can be fixed. But, I can’t change her.
Wtf bro
Same thing just happened to me.
We've known eachother 15 years. She was 15 when we met. Basically childhood friends. Six ears ago we reconnected and started dating. We bought a house and lived together for 3 years. Everything was great. We decided to get married. Worst decision ever. We'd still be together if it weren't for that. Immediately after she wanted to split. She told me at the wedding party that she doesn't even wanna be with me... as we pretend like everything is OK and family members surround us eating cake and drinking wine celebrating our union.
@@user-un6hq1hc8o Wtf that must have been so traumatizing for u? How are u doing after that event?
This is what happened to me. She says that I'm the love of her life...but she went back to her abusive relationship. So trauma bond on one side providing the familiar comfort of abuse, and "love of her life" on the other side, scaring her away, even though according to her, she had zero issues with me. I've steered her to this content, got her into EFT for trauma processing, and provided a crazy amount of insight and resources...but she just won't start real therapy and leave the narcissist...and half of it is because she just doesn't know what to do with real love. So we're not speaking now (my boundary until she can show some progress with leaving him). Sad.
You seem like a good guy. I think it’s time to let go and move on, my friend. She left you for the other guy and entered a relationship with him; actions speak louder than words and she’s given you her answer. Don’t take it personal, because as you know it’s not really about you, it’s about her and her unresolved traumas. But it isn’t healthy (nor frankly is it respectful) for you to “wait around” for her to leave this relationship-however awful it may be-in the hopes that she’ll change. It may be hard but you owe yourself better than that.
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” - Jacob M. Braude
God bless.
She going to regret it and find out abuse people are toxic. Never go back to abuse relationship, they need healthy relationship and you seem cool guy.
@@AnimeNewsRadio101 Thanks! Yeah, she thinks the change is real, but it's classic narcissistic hoovering (which I pointed out). She will leave in the end. The question is whether I will have moved on by then. I don't intend to wait around. Did enough of that.
attachment theory is never "half" of the reasons you stay with a narcissist! I'm so sorry you are going through this, I first must say that love or not love put the focus 100% on yourself and your feelings, if she doesn't reciprocate she doesn't, and you should act accordingly, and there is that. I know that it can be crazy hard. For attachment theory and navigating relationships this channel is my favourite, but for her situation, if you have desire and resources and irrespective of how your relationship will develop (so have no expectations), you could also recommend narcissism focused resources like Jerry Wise, Jay Reid, Michele Nieves.
I'm sorry about your situation. Sounds like she is chasing a feeling.
This is really helpful as I try to navigate my relationship with an FA with CPTSD. She's beautiful and wonderful but very wounded. If you aren't patient, do not attempt at home. 🙂
as an FA with CPTSD myself, thank you for your patience, effort & validation 💜 best wishes with your relationship
I was asked for patience only to be discarded overnight, the day after formalizing our relationship. Which was her idea, lol. Buyers beware!
@@Whatevermancer i'm sorry for your experience, unsure how treating one example as universal is helpful for *anyone's* personal development? did you know thais, the founder of pds, was FA? like *any* other group, there is a *lot* of variety & comments like "buyers beware" go against requests pds has made
I tried. She left before we got too deep, and I tried to get her back...
i tried too, amazing woman, she doesnt realize that, we had alot of time in a long distance relashionshio, 2.5 years then when we were about to get together she started to act strange and cold, she said she doesnt feel love anymore, i was like wtf, im already prepare to live with you, i love her but im in not contact, i block her, i dont wanna deal with this anymore, my self-esteem got destroyed during these years, hot and cold, i was always thinkin what im doing wrong, what a waste of time and love
My FA leaning dismissive ex said at the time of the break up "maybe it just isnt meant to be, can't that be it?" as the excuse for the break up, instead of realizing it's just her fears of her FA attachment. Has anyone else experienced this?
Yep!!
Oh yes
Denial & apathy are common ways for dealing with complex trauma. She has a fearful-avoidant attachment style who was presenting her avoidant tendencies at that moment.
Listen to this...
MY FA wife said that she realized she's suffering from FA attachment style and it's causing her obsessive intrusive relentless limerant thoughts about another man at her job. She said she really wants to fix her attachment style and be secure so she can leave me and then have a good relationship with him that is secure.
@@user-un6hq1hc8o I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds to me like her fears and flaring up due to unmet needs ect. Do you know your attachment style is? It's EXTREMELY important to know yours and hers and heal it. It's not our fault we are not securely attached but it is our responsibility
I left an awful relationship with someone that said they were an FA.
One of the best decisions I ever made.
Last I heard she went back to her ex. She liked holding onto exes.
I ruled that out for us.
Worst relationship I’ve ever had is with a FA. They disappeared abruptly when I was asking about defining the relationship. Hurt me a lot! Then they hold grudges against me for a long time (don’t understand). Then they came back to beg me to get back together with them after a couple of months. They cried, they said they would change blah blah… I was like WTF?!
Now I know it a bit more, that jerk is not only a FA, he is also a vulnerable narcissist. I’ve blocked him from all possible ways. Don’t want them to come disturb me anymore.
@@phyllisq.553I’m sorry for your suffering.
May I ask, did you think your ex was an FA for a long time? Did they identify as an FA?
I can somewhat relate to your experience as it reflects some of my own. I read the book “Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Debbie Mirzha and it described my ex supposed-FA about 70-80%. What was most striking was how the ex partners of them felt during the relationship, it described how I felt about 90-95% accurately. Gave me chills.
@@aaronsinspirationdaily4896 Thanks a lot for sharing it with me. I may go get a copy of the book. Yep, when he came back and asked me to get back with him again, I pointed it out. At the beginning, he denied it. Then I showed him the book “Attached”. He admitted that he is FA, and he said he leans to anxious side a bit more. He was begging to go back, but in the meantime, his behaviors were still extremely self-centered. I feel I can not tolerate more… I don’t care about him anymore. But I feel like reading more would be beneficial for my future dating journeys. Thank you!
My ex was in a lot of toxic relationships, physically and mentally abusive, constant cheating. Our 1 year relationship overall was great, we care and help each other a lot, spend time with each other every weekend, and whenever he is free during week days after work. We have a lot arguments at the end, but before he broke up with me, we talked it out and seem like everything is going amazing for a week. He suddenly distant himself and not answer my message for 2 days while going away for training in another city, then said there's something missing romantically in the relationship and nothing can fix it right now. He said nobody has treated him as good as I did, I was super sweet and amazing to him. He just wants to stay friend and he know I probably hate him right now but when I feel okay again, he just wants to stay like that (means being friend). I am super confused and hurt since he worked so hard for those toxic relationships, but for our, he just gave up and has never communicate to me. Will FA ever think and regret leaving a good relationship? Will he ever reach out?
awful. any update?
I hate that I sabotage my relationships but when it's toxic I'm there longer than I should arrgh😢
Really need to fix your mental health, I control my emotions and my mental health. Plus, I stop drinking coffee. You want a relationship, fix it for yourself.
@@AnimeNewsRadio101coffee affected you?
My ex was the same way. We were so good together when he just let us be, but he had to sabotage it every time by starting a fight or doing something to try to start a fight. He just couldn't handle it when things were going well between us. 😢
@@mehkiheath9551Coffee can give anxiety. Search it up.
@@mehkiheath9551 coffee rises you anxiety level
I’m going through this right now. Hoping he comes back to me, but I’m losing hope 😢
Same
Wishing you best Xmas wishes
I wish there was a way to get through to her, but she'll block me if I reach out again
You deserve better
Hope you can heal. I have the same hope. I still haven’t really come to terms with the fact she’s gone but it’s getting better ❤️🩹
@@akasickform isnt that rather dismissive avoidant?
No. No you don’t. I did that off and on for 8 years. It’s not worth it in the end.
04:30-07:00: my hands started to sweat, head began hurting and heartbeat rose just listening and thinking of why I'm clearly FA; seeing childhood images, feeling the memories, remembering adult relationship disasters. Just want to make these feelings stop. I felt more hopeful being told that a different possibility exists but, damn, hurts just starting this work. Can see why people drink Soma and Victory Gin, wanting to disappear completely.
Yes, I left my husband, a good man who loved me. He is securely attached. In the 35 years since, I’ve had very difficult relationships and have been working on myself. So glad to have found your channel. Thank you for all the helpful and easy to understand information on attachment styles.
Ditto. Left in 2008. Have been very unsuccessful with dating since.
Are you saying you sabotaged your marriage and then couldn’t find anything meaningful since?
@@Karll541asking for a friend. 😅
@Karll541 That's exactly what she is saying.
A woman left me cold turkey not too long ago while things were PERFECT (minus the distance). I told her not to make a decision like this under the influence of intense emotions (fear), but nahh, she didn't want to. "It's protecting her."
It was short, yet I'm still trying to move on. So ridiculous yet painful.
@@Karll541 Actually these women just had started their hypergamy. Seek for new emotions etc.
I am a FA working hard to become secure and I just want to thank you, Thais, for your content and hability to make us feel seen and understood and, at the same time, take accountability for our healing and the way we show up in relationships. I took 4 courses at the school and intent to continue learning from you. Thank you so much! Merry Christmas! ❤
As a non fa person ever called you out in a relationship? I had a break up cycle happen over and over again. It dawned on me what kind of person she was. I sent her some articles that she was sabotaging relationships with her behavior and I got ghosted 👻
@@Karll541 yes. I've always been self aware of my destructive patterns but didn't know I was FA till recently. What I can tell you is that the shame we feel because of the way whe behave is imense, almost unberable. I have an FA friend and we talk about how we don't mean to hurt the person we love but sometimes the pain from the triggers is so intense that it feels like we will dissolve and we end up behaving in a way that causes us imense shame. And I know it can be really destructive. I'm working on myself now because I want to live in peace. Maybe she can't aknowledge yet her patterns or maybe she fells ashamed for being called out. I'm always leaned more anxious so I always took to the heart what people told me. If she is more avoidant it can be more difficul to look inside.
@@carolinaluz_lumiar thanks so much for the response. My head is still spinning by the ordeal. Funny enough I suggested compromises on the issues and he it seems she didn’t have any desire. I think for her it might be a recent phenomenon. I think she sabotaged her recent marriage of 3 years because for some reason she started shutting down and stopped communicating her feelings. She hopes to have her mind read in a sense so she doesn’t have to voice any of her needs or wants and I think it’s because she doesn’t want to be hear no if she were to voice her needs and wants.
@@Karll541 yes, we don't think our needs can be met because they never were when we where growing up. And we have such difficulty being vulnerable because the pain and shame of not being validated and not having our needs met is unberable. I feel emotional pain so strong that it gets physical. She seems more avoidant for what you said. I can imagine it has been really dificult for you, but just know that she is not avoiding you, she is avoiding her pain and shame. I hope you can heal from this and find the love you deserve 🙌
@@carolinaluz_lumiar that’s amazing you’re so self aware. Is transformation possible? It felt like pulling teeth but eventually I could get her to admit what she was upset about but it was so emotionally draining to do so. And often just before the conversation I would be criticized severely.
But thanks for the well wishes. I’ve never felt so scarred from a relationship but talking about it with others helps the healing process
I love all of these videos as I am going through a tough time with my Avoidant partner. I am definitely the Anxious one. It definitely helps me cope with the grief and overwhelming feelings I am facing when there is information on how to process it. You can put yourself in their shoes. The worst part for an anxious person like myself is that ice/cold no contact time, it's the worst. :(
Hey, I'm going thru the same stuff, it really sucks. I'm just learning about Avoidants and she definitely is. I'm amazed that this describes some people so well. I'm learning it's just not cool and it's hard dealing with an Avoidant. I'd rather deal with someone who loves company and to be wrapped up in my arms and cared for the way a woman should be. The running away stuff is just ridiculous and hurts. If an Avoidant heals that'd be great! I'm on edge whether or not we're getting back together is up to her and I hate it being up to her, in just waiting and it's horrible. I wish you luck and send you a big big hug 🤗 ❤
My bf would always cause a sabotaging drama whenever we got too close and break up then distance himself for months im so frustrated cuz when its good its good.
I have so many favorite PDS videos, and quotes, bc why? Bc Thais really understands the human condition and how we attach. My newest favorite PDS quote is exactly how I feel 93% of the time:
"Pin-balling". "Rollercoaster". "Mind-warping for each person". Consumed with, "where am I at? What do I feel today? Should I stay, or should I go? Are they leaving or are they staying?"
Thanks for explaining the FA mind to the world in such detail. It needs to be remembered though, that FAs are not acting or reacting to a blank canvas. The partner's own Attachment style greatly influences which side of the pendulum the FA will swing when triggered. Without that environmental impetus, FAs can be fairly secure on their own, and that's why they take a step back to analyze their thoughts and feelings to align them and make a clear picture of what that relationship looks like, feels like and where it is headed.
I think I’ve been dating a fearful avoidant for 5 months lol. We had a strong 3 months and there’s been a gradual pulling away over the last 2. Currently, It’s been 2 weeks of no contact so she can figure out what’s going on. She assured me it’s not a breakup but since the relationship got real and strong I feel she’s getting cold feet. Kind of a bummer but makes sense after watching the video. Thanks for the insight.
Same here, even though there was some testing/sabotaging during the first 3 months (but after talking he was reassured and everything was back to normal)
He spent the 3rd month saying how much he cared for me almost every day and then he started to pull away a bit until he got scared to death and pulled away completely. He popped up last Monday like nothing happened and then disappeared again. I tried to fix but that was pushing him more, so I pulled away too and we are in no contact since last week...hoping he would process everything and figure out what happened (PS: he is in therapy right now for a family situation that was stressing him a lot, but that situation is also connected to the way he is and the way he acts, so hopefully he will be able to work on himself and understand things)
exactly the same happened to me. but the pulling away was also the end.... from dating to honeymoon, she became so anxious, used all her deactivating strategies and then that was it.... any update on your side?
@@aristark559 no update from my side. It's been 1 month now 'til the last time he searched for me after the break up, and 22 days of No Contact
She did the slow fade then the discard all the while telling me it wasn't anything I was doing.
@@johnkaiser6710 believe her
Me too 😢
I've been dealing with a man that has been in my life over 15 yrs. We saw each other off & on for 4 yrs way back when & then 3 yrs ago reconnected. It's been a roller coaster ride! I know he had several relationships he got hurt in but a very horrendous one that hurt him really bad! He just came out of one when we got reconnected. He gets close then he ghosts. He's done this several times in the 3 yrs. I've tried to decide if he's a Narcissist or fearful avoidant? I've studied alot on both. He's came back to me again & says he knows I'm what he wants. I'm willing to yet give him another chance for I really love this man. Even if not in a relationship I've never quit loving him. I told him I'm almost getting used to him running. He apologized. I guess we will see.
My husband and I were separated for several months and we were working on our marriage.I thought he was set to move back in.He did after 3 days.I came home.His stuff was gone and when I called them he said he can't do it
Personally, I really appreciate your insights on this attachment theory topic. I am ever learning from your videos and it has helped me understand myself and others alot. I myself am an FA looking working towards having a secure attachment in my present and future relationships. This knowledge is important for everyone to know if they want to lead a prosperous and happy relationships.Thanks Thais.
I am glad you enjoy and are getting good value from the content ❤
Is it common for Fearful Avoidants to just avoid relationships altogether? In order to avoid the struggle, the hurt & anything else involved?
As a permanent strategy, that is more DA-leaning, but I would imagine plenty of FA embrace the strategy.
I think a lot of FA's avoid committing to relationships after being hurt in the past.
Yes 100%! I posted about it on here. I’ve avoided for years! In the process of healing, but a work in progress. The unpredictability, the making a mistake again, missing red flags, feeling stuck again! So much!
@@TMH792 I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. I grew up with two very toxic & abusive (I think narcissistic) 'parents') It took me a lot of effort & work to permanently & forever escape & heal from them (We are No-Contact Estranged for almost 16 years now at my decision. And I have spent this time working on myself & trying to heal & grow, yet I am so scared of getting into a relationship with someone who is as bad or worse than the "Parents" & that is too great of a risk for & to me.
Sounds like DA; some folks have some of both styles
I’m a volatile FA. My last relationship I would have major emotional outbursts. It would be back and forth with the hot and cold also. I would try to avoid and do my own thing at times. Then that need for closeness would come back and my anxious side would kick back in. It was a rinse and repeat cycle. Until she got to the point of wanting to get more serious. That’s when I became more avoidant and left the relationship.
Fucking brutal
@@Karll541 yeah bro. This attachment style is hell. Like you want closeness in your relationships but then as soon as someone wants to get close you pull away. It does have the dismissive side where you basically say fuck it and just shut down and avoid also.
@@coltenkelso5764 I'm curious. If she reached out to you a long time later, would you even talk to her? Or would you want nothing to do with her?
@@Psych1_- I’m now working on becoming secure. So I am only looking for healthy relationships now. We both had our insecurities which caused the relationship to be toxic. So probably not.
Thank you, Thais, for this content and your sincerity. This video was for me. I was feeling a bit sad and reflecting (because of last year this time, an important day), and coming indoors, I find this on the computer: more or less the situation with my (former) lady. I will watch it again. By the way, that's a nice background, the painting. Merry Christmas!
Thanks for your comment and Merry Christmas to you as well! ❤
"The FA starts dating someone else...". Or they just give up on the idea of dating and avoid that too.
with my last ex, we were dating for 3 months then became exclusive for 2 months until he broke up with me suddenly. i thought he was secure (which is a nonnegotiable for me) but after i said i love you to him for the 1st time, he later confessed to me that night that he hasnt been doing well mentally & people have been commenting about him being "off." he said he knew he shoulda dealt with his issues while he was single for 2 years before dating me, but it didnt come to his attention until other people started commenting to him. i know he became very insecure what seemed very quickly. he was everything i wanted in a guy. im not sure what to think about it all.
Happened 3 days after a beautiful trip to Paris.
It's nearly 4 yrs with my DA/FA living with him last 8 months, I stupidly gave up my home.
I have tried, given everything I have. Now sleeping in different room with the door baracaded.
Oh no 😥 that sounds scary actually. Hope everything is ok
Be careful, safety comes first. I had a similar situation with a narc and ended up moving out my own home. Slow fade and eventually cut ties; go far, far away.
Thank you. I really appreciated your advice.
I understand Slow fade but how can this work under his roof? I'm just keeping myself small, quiet and not engaging. Apologies and I hope you're well and happier 💗 ❤️
Not sure what happened in the last relationship I had. It was intense, fast paced (too fast for me) and he pulled back. I ended it because I felt like I was being strung along and being lied to. 10 days no contact now, it’s torture because I’m still attached.
Last contact I had from him was telling me I was worth more than he’d given and was able to give at present. An apology, how great I was and that he cared about me. 🤷♀️
I’m heartbroken. 😢
I'm so sorry. I dated someone who did something similar. I'm a FA, but he is a DA and it broke my heart. I've done a lot of healing with PDS, but I still can't shake the resentment at times. I mean, I never seek anyone out to date because I understand my faults, but when they come in hot like that only to say "I love you, but you deserve more" I think then why did you even bother with me? I still love and have a soft spot for DA's, but they aren't upfront (in my experience) which leaves me confused and hurt. It honestly makes me never want to date again.
@@LeeChrissy I understand exactly what you mean. I’m not sure I want to date again, it takes a lot of courage to let someone in as an FA. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this too, it’s truly awful feeling invisible to someone you love.
@@joancollins3457 the worst part is that we've been good friends for years and I'm so disappointed in him. I understand his wounds and why he does what he does, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I think you reach a certain point in life...esp when you're 40 and up that you should really be more aware and caring of how you impact others lives by entering into something you aren't fully committed to.
@@LeeChrissy sadly I think many just repeat the cycle over and over without doing the healing required to enable them to have healthy relationships. It’s hard and it’s painful. I did three years of intense training, which required introspection and visiting past trauma from childhood to qualify as a therapist. Ironic how the first person I let into my life after doing that work matched my old childhood wound. A life lesson and a test perhaps…
I imagine it’s as frustrating for you as it is for me knowing exactly what the problem is and being unable to do anything about it. It’s something only they can do and it has to be what they want to do for themselves. Healing from trauma and growth in self awareness comes in your 40’s in my experience. Patience is a friend here.
22 years in and a child. He started using meth and I had to walk away. Instead of trying to stop and work it out he attached himself to another meth user and told me that our daughter and I deserve better and that all he would do is hurt me.
Now I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces at 43z
I feel bad for the other person as well. Leaving out of the blue probably made no sense to him. I feel he also had FA so I could just imagine how he felt. When your a teenager and things get real it can be very scary. The next phase of our relationship would have been long distance relationship and then marriage. Now i did want to marry him but the thought of be away from each other for a year then get married was to scary for me. I said none of this to him i just started dating someone else. He has had bad relationships ever since and hes in his 40's now.
I am sure he would appreciate a heartfelt apology and explanation, if he never received one.
Yes, as an ex- of an FA, I can say that "leaving out of the blue" made no sense and was emotionally devastating to me. My FA rationalized it away ("...it will be the best for both of us...") but in reality it was like she committed suicide in front of me, with no warning. Let that image sink in for a few minutes. I know enough about FA to understand why rapid deactivation ("cut-and-run") feels right to you, but I think it would be a growth step for you to understand how it could be affecting -- or even wounding -- your ex-.
I also think it would be a growth step for you to acknowledge and accept responsibility for the emotional harm you have done.
Can you make a video about why the dismissive avoidant does this?
I love the way you explain the root reasons!!
Year long relationship that felt like it was going somewhere, hit a few disagreements (power struggle) and he ran. Did no contact for 3 months but then hurt me more by taking me off his social media. I contacted him to say I was hurt and he said sorry he didn’t feel we were ‘right’ but right up until the end he was telling me ‘happy first year together’ etc Now he is back on dating apps using photos from our holiday together and we have blocked each other. Hard to understand how he can be so cold after starting to get to the proper relationship stage. 🤷♀️😢💔
Any update on yours? my FA ex was cold and said there's something missing romantically in our relationship, he just want to be friend and stay like that in the future. I was super confused since 3 weeks ago, he jokingly said he was still in the honeymoon stage. how are you not in love if you are in the honeymoon stage? he has never said I love you or call me bae though, he called me boo or some other pet names, so I know he is not emotionally there. It hurts but I have been doing no contact.
Can this happen to someone due to bad relationship's over time rather than stem from childhood?
Yes! She has videos on that as well. Our attachment style can change in adult relationships.
Yes, for sure
Thank you for your information and your help.
I use translation to understand your video. Thank you again 🙏❤
You're very welcome! Where are you from?
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
I'm from Jordan (Middle East) and I speek Arabic language.
Great relationship to who? I'm a FA and if I leave, it's not great. Then again, I used to tend to date people with specific traits so it's easier for me to leave a relationship although it doesn't work if I get attached. Thank goodness for the healing I've done with PDS because my way of dating was so unhealthy. After getting hurt so much in the past, I really wasn't sure how to properly navigate through dating. I don't ever purposely try to date either. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I knew dating me wasn't a picnic because I can be so laid back, loving and funny then pick a fight out of nowhere and leave.
If you're going to date someone like me and you pick up on these traits, it's best to have a conversation ahead of time to make sure they're doing the work to heal because an unhealed FA/DA can hurt you in ways you never thought possible and it can takes years to recover. 💔❤️
What insight you have. My breakup with FA after a four year relationship/situationship broke my heart. It was a peaceful,harmonious one. He pulled away and monkey branched to another. I am secure. In hindsight, I realize I am better off now. I am healing after four months of NC. Now that I am aware of the attachment styles, I can recognize the red flags. I have no anger anymore, but neverr again!! I would rather be alone.
@@Flufero23Dated a whiplash inducing woman who made me an offer I had to refuse.
After 300+ days of no contact I met an awesome woman sweet as cherry 🥧 🍒 pie.
The 🌎 needs serious healing and peace but it will never be achieved appeasing the psychologically disordered.
If it’s you or them choose YOU every time ❤
I’m gonna be fucked up for a while. I really cared and loved her. The constant break ups hurt me a lot. Then one day she said some hurtful things and then disappeared. Has messed me up. Would love to have that 1 conversation to try to clear the air but she doesn’t want to have it. Maybe she comes back maybe she doesn’t but I feel trauma bonded like she’s some prize to be won.
@@Karll541 it's so hard to hear this as it sounds so much like something I used to do to my exes. I'm sure it hurts. If you aren't blocked and you have something to say just to give yourself closure, just write a message without expecting anything in return...a response. As for her, she needs to figure out how to heal herself in her own time. We run when we're triggered and feel unsafe.
What attachment style are you?
@@LeeChrissy I am secure but have some anxiety issues but I have gotten pretty good about controlling them. I did send a few messages but wasn't really concise and I feel I held back some emotions. It feels a bit embarrassing to say anymore. In the last one I told her sabotaging behavior and harmful ideals would leave her angry, hurt and disappointed. I told her she holds the key 🔑 for love and you just have to unlock it. Then I told her I'd be there for her if she wanted to reconcile or compromise. But looking back that seems like finger pointing but I really want her to become self aware
I think my relationship with my FA bf is causing me to turn from a strict AP to an FA leaning very far AP. It’s been a bit shocking.
I’ve never found myself afraid to talk at times and scared of conflict as I’m used to facing it vigorously…. I don’t want to lose this relationship as I feel love is the undercurrent, and maybe we have a chance to get healthier and make it work better with the hard work required. We are both in individual therapy.
I hope that we can learn to coregulate better because things are close to ending after 2.5 years. 😔
There is sex addiction present and unless it’s really worked on eagerly immediately I’m not going to make it much longer.
Thais I would love if you could do videos on couple’s coregulation tips for various styles.
Thank you for all you do! XO
I feel like you can’t be a FA unless you’re really attractive. Could that be true? The FA always seems to have the upper hand in the relationship. Or of course they are picking partners where they will have power over them
Your laugh & smile are like a natural high to me.🫀🩺
☮️💜🌌
Being emotionally abused by a partner till I die of cancer like my mom because my financial power is less than my partner. Because I don’t know what a compatible relationship looks like and I feel worse in relationships.
Beautiful, one love joy respect light unity guidance kindness to you great teacher.
Feels so good to start each day by watching & listening to such a centered heart & well researched mind.
.
I watch this crap as a way for me to self soothe, as if knowing makes a difference. Reality is, this person was trash. You can give and give and they will suck you dry and leave you where you stand as if they never knew you. Does it matter wtf they feel? No. They didn't give a shit when they were with you, it shouldn't matter when they leave.
I wanted to be sympathetic to these people but the emotional damage they conflict on their partners is so cruel. Perhaps they’re not narcissists but they’re abusive and irrational
@@Karll541 Yeah it's the style that's most likely for a narc to have, but there are also good people with sincere intentions and their fear just gets the better of them sadly
We both took the quiz and we are both fearful avoidant myself and my husband. We've been together for 28 years. Is this unheard of? Are we definitely fearful avoidant ? Or another attachment style Thanks
Some people have good insight and want to make things work. Some might have more severe issues, so they might need external help, like therapy.
My FA would bolt as soon as she would get close. Literally disappear for a few weeks. I have moved her status to remote friend. I don’t care any more! She would send me photos of her, then we would connect then she would bolt. She had a severely traumatic childhood.
My ex always talked about love being pain he didn't like it if we got to close he also had Abandonment wounds and he apologized a lot for really small things but had a hard time Apologizing for big things he constantly asked me if I was mad at him i feel like the person he dated before me was mad at him all the time it was a very toxic relationship with his ex he dated before me I feel like he was anxious in the beginning and middle of our relationship he chased me and initiated most of the
Conversations because he didn't feel like he Deserve love then once it got too close , he would push it away he could be very sweet and loving Just not very vulnerable For me, I like closeness I know love is not pain love is beautiful I have to be vulnerable Because
I know what I deserve in a healthy relationship i feel like if you Can tell your partner what you need and how to meet your needs without blaming or shaming It's like giving them the road map to your heart I always ask How can I meet your needs? It's not all about me we are in this together I also feel Reassurance is very important in a relationship and Listening compliments and Conflicts resolution 🥰 ❤
This is fantastic. Thank you! 🙏💜
You're welcome! ❤
I went through this with one of the students in your school, who then proceeded to use attachment theory and other general mental health stuff to remix the entire reality and throw blame on to me, so that she could avoid things within herself.
Ikr, the whole point is applying it to ourselves first
Can you help on how to respond when the fearful avoidant returns ….I don’t want to do more damage by rejecting
Be compassionate, but don’t be afraid to be yourself. You can never predict what will scare someone away and you can’t walk on eggshells to make sure they don’t run away.
@@divinedestiny22 thank you so much
This is me!
What is the difference between a dismissive avoidant attachment style and a fearful avoidant attachment style ❤
I left my husband after 7 years,,filed for a divorce,and now after 8 months i am like:what did i do😢? Am i a fearful avoidant?
Why did you do it
@@user-qp6ts2dp5g i started having deppression ,anxiety..doing the cleaning watching over our baby 24/7,always belittled..and felt like alone..dead energy in the house.he was always saying :you dont bring nothing to the table😒
Can FAs end up triggering each side of themselves by any chance? What I mean is when an FA is anxious can they get so anxious and overwhelmed that they end up triggering their own avoidant side without any external influences? Also, say for example they have an ex (they are not truly moved on from) who they are still anxious towards can this lead to them becoming suddenly avoidant with a new potential partner? As in they are somewhat projecting their fears of their old ex onto their next without the new person doing anything triggering at all?
They can do that on their own.
Thais, as much as I love the idea of love, I just can't help but think it's just some sort of fiction. A thing that only exists in movies and fairytales 😅.
You're probably right in the sense that the type of love found in movies and fairytales is only found in movies and fairytales
@@thecurrentmoment Then what is the true thing like 😅
@@GGGG_3333 haha, well you'd have to look at real relationships that function and last and see what they're like and how they got together. Couples that are in the 'happily ever after' stage that all the stories conveniently leave out....
I bet their story didn't go exactly like you see in the movies
Some FA are stuck on the dating stage because they fear going into the honeymoon stage because affection and intimacy scare them the most
Can two FA get together?
Because they beat me for 2 hours.
Violeta Out. What she was doing was so toxic but I could deal with that - what I couldn't do is that she really refused to understand that secure way is a good way xD lol xD everything secure was absolutely shocking for her to understand
Wtf if they have why starting new relationship. To hurt others
Okay here's my question, what's the difference between a fearful avoidant and a narcissist because they both seem like they're one of the same????
And one more thing it's not the world's fault that something happened to them as a child get over it, or quarantine yourself from normal people
Let the music take you away:
th-cam.com/video/gE30hLpFu7Y/w-d-xo.htmlfeature=shared
He fucking left a marriage when I came 6k miles from asianto Europe to just marry him…..
Suggestion for a fearful avoidant person - please stop coming forward and then moving back into the screen. It's most disconcerting and makes me feel seasick and upset. While you're talking about people in our lives coming in and pulling back you are strongly doing it to me in my face and I can't hear your words over the loudness of your imagery
Merry Xmas fellow victims of DAs 😂😢
Joke in poor taste, considering it's the other way around
@@ashton1952 huh? Plenty of non DAs check this to figure out wtf is going on. Relax. Poor form is ghosting, running and allowing fear and srlf preservation to guides ones relationships . Xox
It sucks. Dating a month. Seemingly going well. A peck on the lips is it. Period. Then they ask to events. They drive themselves. They say they do make love. I don't believe her. Cold as ice when alone. Got to go!!! Call ya tomorrow. I know she's damaged. I don't see her getting intimate. Time to talk to her and either say goodbye or she gets avoidance help.
Really? Only a month? I need several months before I sleep with someone and I have a high drive and will then sleep with my partner all the time in a really enthusiastic way. Lol. She’s getting to learn to trust you. That’s why she drives herself places. I’m the same way. A month is not long enough. If I was being pressured that soon I’d definitely not give anything to anyone.
Year long relationship that felt like it was going somewhere, hit a few disagreements (power struggle) and he ran. Did no contact for 3 months but then hurt me more by taking me off his social media. I contacted him to say I was hurt and he said sorry he didn’t feel we were ‘right’ but right up until the end he was telling me ‘happy first year together’ etc Now he is back on dating apps using photos from our holiday together and we have blocked each other. Hard to understand how he can be so cold after starting to get to the proper relationship stage. 🤷♀️😢💔