When I first came across this channel 4/5 years ago I was a textbook fearful avoidant. I had two alcoholic parents growing up (dad and step dad) and my mother was strongly codependent. I was already on the way to being secure because of therapy. However I can now truly say I am mostly securely attached because of Thais and Personal development school. I have developed really fulfilling friendships and relationships because of the knowledge shared, and I feel more regulated, calm and fulfilled than I have ever felt in my life before. To anyone reading this thinking fearful avoidant attachment can’t be healed; pleased don’t think that. There is a place on the other side, and once you’re there your life can be more fulfilling, meaningful and connected than maybe someone without any trauma has ever felt. Not to advertise here but Thais has done an amazing job. Thank you so much you compassionate powerwoman! And to all fearful avoidants still healing: there is a life waiting for you, more wonderful than you could have ever imagined
This!! It's so exhausting trying to make sure others aren't pissed off, angry etc and being hypervigilant to their needs. So we don't have to deal with the screaming, yelling, and physical abuse.
1. Flip flopping / me : CPTSD ✔ 2. Active / deactivating ✔ 3. Conclusion jumping / mind reading, emotional hypervigilance ✔ 4. Fear of being out of control, emotional dysregulation ✔ 5. Highly empathetic and sympathetic towards others ✔ ( possibly codependent? ) 6. Struggles with boundaries ✔ Can be hostile and then set a firm one 7. Strong emotions, intense ( hurt ,anger betrayal ) All or nothing thinking struggles with 8. Polarity with sharing, show surface vulnerability, with objective to connect. 9. Struggling with Guilt and shame 10. Strong active and deactivate swings ✔
Wow that's a lot of issues. I did not see depression in there anywhere. I would only assume that would be in there right along with that other crap. I lean more in the stable direction, but I tend to attract these types of females. ?
That's me . When im single i feel safe and miss a partner, but a partner triggers me like hell and its too confronting and overwhelming all that i withdraw or chase, too emotional (anxious). When I'm single, I'm so self-reliant i dont even depend emotionally on others, I'm detached, hyper focused on career. What a coaster roller of emotions
I think I was this, but I feel God has healed so much of this in me, so though I can understand and relate I have learned to cope really well…which is exciting for me to think I’ve grown in this!
I always thought I was anxious preoccupied because I was, well, so anxious. However, thanks to this channel, I began to realise it was fear more than anxiety (and there’s a big difference), and in some situations, I was avoidant. I never understood that before (in fact, I would probably have denied it).
Same !!! I was confused cause I always thought I was “disorganized attachment “ but would swing between thinking I was anxious or secure or avoidant consistently so I think I’m just disorganized working on secure attachment . 😅
Honestly something as simple as having one super affectionate parent and one super unemotional unaffectionate parent. Depending on the environment it can feed off itself
Absolutely! My mother was super attentive and present throughout my childhood. (although not very educated on emotional acceptance or tolerating my big feelings as a kid) But on the other hand I had a step father who was an emotionally damaged hair trigger of a 220lb man that exhibited zero ability to avoid screaming into the face of three year old me while solidly poking my chest along with a general proclivity for smashing stuff in our house and being overly controlling to the point of spotless bedrooms with a bed made tight enough to bounce a quarter . I'm not exaggerating..... Fucking navy guy.. and now I'm avoidant and have my own severe bouts of rage that rear their heads whenever I feel like I'm expected to be vulnerable with my fiance who is the mother of our three perfect babies ranging 6-1 yrs. After far too many, very unsettling and confusing blowout arguments that seemingly were over tiny nuisances that her or I mispercieved as attacks or abandonment, we have had to resort to living sperately and spending time as often as we feel secure doing so until we get our family healed into a healthy, stable, full of love state. My fiance has a similar upbringing. Her father left early, and along came the abusive step "dad." Were both in the same boat as each other with exact equal opposite emotional barriers and abandonment fears. We flip flop with who's bailing on who except she chases me, and I push her away when she's leaving. It's heartbreaking for me to know my babies have seen more chaos then I ever wanted for their developing brains. We didn't know what was wrong for a long time because we both blame shifted and avoided accountability at all costs. But I know she is the one in every other possible way, and it's worth the repairing and work to heal together and help guide our kids through the repair to the damage that has inevitably happened. Sorry for the novel. In short, two prime examples that back up your statement. Hang tough, and remember to give grace to yourself!
Describes me well, especially when I’m in the first 6 months of a new relationship. Eventually I sort myself out and become more secure, but I do see those underlying dynamics at play in myself, which I recognize and try to overcome.
Yes…so true. “Anybody” can’t hurt me because there’s no emotional risk involved on my part. I’m not attached. If I share with someone I care about and they don’t react “accordingly” it’d be too painful
The flip flopping is so painful. I was really hoping my ex and me would be able to try again as I had been doing a lot of work. We met a couple of days ago and decided to give it another go. Now,here I am, fearing trapped and wanting to pull away. Its painful for the other person,and its painful for the FA as you almost don't know what you feel or want.
Exactly. I know so well the feeling. I wondered what was wrong with me, I thought I had a healthy attachement style with some fearful avoidant traits (because I would read superficial things about FA, that did not fit me) and from time to time I would imagine I might be an FA, but since in a relationship I really felt like a AP, i just thought, well, I can have both depends on the situation. Still, it was strange (just with one person to have another style?) But with this channel everything is clrar now. I do think I am prettey much FA, but working on it nad since I know the issue, it is easier for me to heal it so I am really greatful for this information
This is me! My feelings can literally change from one moment to the next. I don't trust myself, which makes me want to give up and be alone. It's much easier!
I’ve been watching your videos the past 2 years and I’m pretty sure I’m Fearful Avoidant. I have a lifelong ADHD diagnosis so I think the “disorganized” attachment label is very appropriate for me. I’ve always struggled with making and keeping friends. Lots of social anxiety recently recently after being told to stay home and “socially distance” from other people the last 3 years! I’m definitely afraid to ask for help sometimes and like to have control over the situation, sort of like “if nobody else can do it, I have to do it myself”
That’s great if you have discovered your attachment style. Just as a side note: your ADD has absolutely nothing to do with your attachment style. It’s simply the way you show up in an intimate relationship & it has to do with your core wounds. Disorganized simply means you flip flop between being afraid of being abandoned to feeling scared about the relationship & suffocated & extremely afraid of getting hurt by that person.
It's a breath of fresh air to relate that you were also FA. I've been watching video after video of yours as a crash course into learning about how to help myself and my partner and I have found you so verbose, with each sentence elaborating exactly how I feel in detail. You are making a lifetime of sense for me thank you so much for the work and time it took to lay this information out in such a digestible way.
I appreciate you mentioning Fa's who became Fa after an abusive relationship....i'd love to know the difference between the normal fa who was fa since their childhood and the ones who changed attachment later on...cause i was ap in my childhood then later on i became fearful avoidant...and my Fa sister has always been Fa...we are completely different in the way we relate to people even though both of us have the same attachment style....
I was FA since childhood. I tried being more vulnerable with a boyfriend (who was abusing me) and I went straight FA ever since. I tried. No use being vulnerable with someone who doesn't care for you....... :/
A lot of this has to do with the nervous system sensitivity at birth and a portion on personality. Chances are you and your sister have different fight/flight/freeze/fawn profiles seen during childhood stress. Then your abusive relationship changed things for you, but you still have a different nervous system makeup up and personality type.
Using the alcoholic parent analogy is good, but as a member of a FA group, most have one parent who is emotionally unavailable and withhold or deny affection, approval, and positive regard leaves their children with unresolved emotions themselves. If the parent is very critical, that just makes the problem. Mom didn't help matters as she is codependent. While his behavior would be considered emotionally abuse now. My father was not a bad man. He was very responsible and always put is family first , but you never knew who you were going to get from one day to the next (regular dad or critical dad). Unfortunately, emotionally unavailable fathers often come from generations of fathers who are the same. They are raising their children just as they were and are "making" FA children who fear rejection, abandonment, low self esteem and in some cases depression. My AP ruled me in my 20s and 30's. I was looking for love from all the wrong people. A AP didn't stand a chance and secures wouldn't last long. Put 999 AP and secure men in a room and 1 DA, I will find that DA everytime. Now that I'm older with two divorces. I have never been in a relationship or marriage that has lasted more than five years. I have become perfectly happy in being alone.
That was pretty deep and it moved me. Thanks for sharing. My avoidant side has kept me away from being in a relationship. I've dated & hooked up with ppl but never anything serious or long-term..strong fear of intimacy. It's tricky being this way bc it's easy to rationalize why it's good to be single. I'm also selective and need a lot of time to get to know someone. All in all, I've grown & have learned a lot. I'm more at ease these days and prefer to form a connection through the realm of friendship. I'm hopeful.
Omg this explains it. My dad was the same way. Great provider and good man in the community. But had a temper out of this world and would lash out on us for the smallest things. Yelling at me and my siblings and then physically abusing us. It made me super hypervigilant to his emotions and everyone else to make sure we don't make hik angry and made me walk around scared. My mom was great and available but she never stopped this behavior of my dad.
Wow that was interesting, according to the quiz, I'm FA, makes a lot of sense. I swing from clingy and needy to cold and aloof, veering from wanting to be loved to feeling I can't do this, I don't want this, I don't trust, feel jealous, I want my space. Extreme anxiety, which gets confused with my hypothyroidism fight flight freeze.
Im watching this and I cry a lot. Its sad that it takes me soo many years of sabotaging myself and my previous relationships because of this constant fear. Im now in therapy and I just realized that my childhood wasnt that good. I was delusional and try to belive it was normal. Alcoholic boyfriend of my mum, my dads death, my mums emotional unavailability, abuse, neglect, parentification. Now I know why I pushed away soo many people in my life. Shame, fear, anger and resentment. But changes are just around the corner. ❤
Always thought I was the anxious type but thanks to your amazingly well documented information just found out I'm the fearful avoidant type. Thank you, you just made me realise some of my core beliefs that I kept repeating myself for so long and the ways to work on them, not letting them hurt me or the ones around me.
Oh my goodness... I'm so thankful I stumbled across your channel. I've never felt so understood! Thank you for developing these courses! I feel like there's hope and for freedom from this "thing" I have struggled with my entire life.
In my childhood my mom used to physically and verbally abuse me over many silly things but at the same time she used to take me out with her and buy me things and I loved these moments with her but also I was so afraid of her getting upset and hitting me. Now as an adult I feel so overwhelmed when someone rely on me emotionally and I always want to fall in love and be loved but once I'm in a relationship I tend to feel overwhelmed and push them away but I also tend to miss them and want them back once they go but still, I push them whenever they come back. I also noticed that I love to feel like I'm falling in love with someone and I'm working to get them to love me but I don't really like it when the other person loves me especially if he/she loves me more than I love them. I guess I'm fearful avoident?
I learned so much vocabulary from this video. This helps me to be able to think about these concepts, and apply them to my own life. Thank you=) . fearful avoidant, disorganized attachment and anxious avoidant are all the same thing. Life experiences reprogram, and re-condition us throughout our lives---(traumatic and therapeutic experiences alike). Sympathy vs Empathy. I want to hear more about activate and de-activate used as a verb in this attachment style context.
I am FA and going through the comments of these videos is so discouraging. One of the core wounds of Avoidants is the feeling of unworthiness and these comments definitely aggravate those wounds. I see a lot of run, it’s not worth it, my avoidant partner destroyed me. ( we are oh so terrible) Just makes me want to stay single. I am working on myself, and feel like it would be so much easier to do alone. People expect us to undo years of trauma in the one or two years of being together. If we don’t just get over it, we get pushed until our flight wound is activated and when we run, we are the bad guy. If we stay but get quiet to self- regulate then we are ignoring our partners and again bad guy. If our partners are anxious then they push until we feel forced to just lash out and walk away. Oops bad guy. I will admit, dating an avoidant is not for the weak. If your person is making actual effort to heal, be patient. If they aren’t then walk away.
Ahhh it's a tough spot to be in, what I don't think anyone considers is the fact of how we all show up in relationships. For me, outside of a relationship with a volitile FA, there was alot of pain endured on both ends. He actively came on strong, then retreated, at first it was alright, but after hitting a couple years it began to be draining and confusing and not worth it. I'm sure deep down he believes this behavior is normal, to me it is a dynamic that will cause a right after some time. The constant confusion he left me in, the fear of true intimacy, the beautiful moments and then the strong pull away will cause many to feel inadequate, especially when there is no communication. Had my FA learned to verbalize his internal feelings, many things could be avoided. Unfortunately even now, with all the damage he's caused me psychologically (Not saying all FAs do this) I just don't love him anymore. He was too much, too much work, too much push and pull, too much anger, too much over analyzing, too much testing, too many unresolved fights, too many harsh words and too many tears. He left all the time, lashed out or distant in my presence all the time and the relationship became a source of pain and anger. To top it off he repeatedly blamed me for this, never understanding the full depth of his actions, nor cause and effect. It took a toll on me mentally because I held huge resentment for him. Sometimes I still do, so what I will say is many FAs are so unaware of their behaviors, and why they do them, leaving their partner angry, confused hurt and in pain. Again it all depends. Self awareness will always play a huge role in the dynamic. Half of me knows deep down he knows what he's done, but I don't think he understands the effect it has had on me. Right now about 6 months breakup, he is with the woman he cheated on me with during our 2nd attempt to rekindle. Looking back, I can see all my faults as well. Do not get discouraged about what people say about FAs, open up, be real with yourself, and come into a relationship being as open, honest and willing as you can.
I mean, yeah maybe you should stay single until you figure it out. I was a pretty severe dismissive avoidant and I stayed single for many years so I wouldn't hurt anyone while working through my issues.
Thank you. This has really helped confirm what I thought was going on. I did think that I had an anxious attachment for awhile but this year someone mentioned I was probably disorganized because I flip-flop attachment style from one relationship to another. Only in the last month have I understood that dis-organized is fearful avoidant. Now I'm doing the research on FA and this video was really helpful in clarifying it for me. Again, thank you.
I used to be dismissive avoidant. Then now I’ve spend 8 years of learning to open up and be vulnerable to myself, in friendships and partly in situationships. Now I fit well a mix between a fearful avoidant and secure. I’m curious to know more about this shift from dismissive to fearful avoidant
@@sunbeam9222 SA here, always have been. I have met a hardcore DA last year and he turned me into an anxious wreck. Unfortunately, unlike you he couldn’t self reflect. Maybe one day…
I'm going to have to rewatch this, like, 30 seconds at a time and write down literally every point you make because every second of this is gold. Thank you thank you thank you.
im an FA currently in a rel with a person who is secure attached...its unlike any rel ive ever had...im not in a constant state of triggered and its like a miracle...i feel so calm and even emotionally...i def swing from anxious to avoidant..i like being in my avoidant state much better than anxious..now i just try to keep myself from self sabotage and i notice when im experiencing black and white thinking and i stop myself from going down the neg hole..yr vids are awesome..thanks Thais
I've been flipflopping what I was for years but I think this video settled that I'm FA. I didn't want the FA label because I feel like it's a catch all label people use when they don't know who they are. Most of my friends who took the test think they are FA which can't be true stat wise..I had a crazy childhood kinda but no alcoholic or anything. But I definitely deactivate, cautious with vulnerability (most of the time although I can be a open book sometimes), and I can get bored if I get what I want and there's commitment. Although I am leaning anxious because I never truely want to detatch if I really like them.
What a great cocktail of fun when you are both FA and AP (recovering though and it's getting better, no more friendship issues or work issues but R/S, hard to break the patterns or believe otherwise when it just keeps repeating....)
Can it be a sign if you hold on because you think your ex loves you but that you made a mistake and in one breath you really want to move on because you think they don’t love you.
It could be. That could also be a bunch of dead weight that you're willfully carrying around because you don't want to let go, for fear of finding out they really were some kind of way. Kind of a dillusional hopium obstacle. Find your position. Affirm by speaking out loud, then close the doors that should be closed or opened, and hold the course. No partially one way or but maybe turn around go back the other way. Hope this helps always take a internet advice with a grain of salt 🤣
That’s actually being anxious. We’d have to know more but it’s feeling anxious about someone leaving you to feeling like this sort of panic like I can’t be in this relationship, I feel suffocated…it feels like a trap, I just want free & then you might go back to feeling really anxious about it being over. When we force ourselves to be vulnerable, it’s a way to overcome that. So for instance, saying exactly how you feel. (Finding that out first!!) But if you want that person back & you aren’t just feeling abandoned or lonely, than being extremely vulnerable about how you feel & coming to terms with how you can change or what mistakes you make without self-abandoning just because you want that person back because you’re scared. It sounds like you might not be aware if you actually want this person back.
A martrix or flow chart would make a great compliment to the channel. The video is well received, however, there are many variations in the vlog. it's all o er the place.
Wow. I thought I was secure/anxious but I am definitely FA. I’ve studied attachment theory for years so I could be a good parent but never really dug into it in the context of myself. But now I understand, interestingly enough 100% of my relationships have been with DA, and many of those were abusive towards me therefore reinforcing my FA style.
Yep. Rings true to my experience. Aw I feel sadness and compassion for myself around these trauma responses, strategies and protective mechanisms. But I feel for other FAs and other styles, AP and DA as well. I wish all loved ones would listen to you to have more understanding of me and themselves.
So I have just realized that I am fearful avoidant, because literally every single thing you talk about is exactly what I have struggled with my whole adult life and have never known what was wrong with me. You’re even using the same exact word I used to describe my feelings in a relationship before I even knew this existed, which is “trapped.” However, when you start talking about childhood trauma, I get lost, because I did not have a traumatic childhood. I had a very normal and happy childhood, with sisters and friends who don’t seem traumatized. So how do you explain that? I did have some bad experiences in school and a father who was a workaholic so was gone a lot, but was home every night, so that doesn’t seem particularly traumatizing.
FAs out here, please help. What can be done if a fearful avoidant says that I deserve better and I don't need him, and yada yada. He is basically deciding for me. I can totally see it but there are some deep feelings on my end. He "escaped" the forming relationship since "he liked me and he did not like that, and was afraid to fall in love with me". It's been two weeks where there was a little bit of communication. Then he went into "hiding" by not reading my message. And ended up deleting the chat on his end. I noticed and opened a new one with "Running up that hill" song and showing him tongue smiley. What should I do? Is he expecting some gestures from me? Should I stay quiet? Is there hope that he will come back?
(Mostly secure now, but previously very FA.) I would recommend just putting all your cards on the table. You could write to him: "I hear you say you are afraid of getting in a relationship and you seem to feel not good enough. However, I believe that our relationship could work because of (insert a couple of concrete reasons). I don't expect us to get into a committed relationship by tomorrow but ultimately this is what I am looking for. Take your time and think about it, and if that's what you want, let's give it a shot, and if not, then I understand." Hopefully, this will help get the FA out of a triggered state into a more logical-mind type of thinking. You can make it work with an FA but only if he is motivated at least on an intellectual level (like, if he actually wants to get into a relationship at the moment, he thinks you are the right person, etc.) and has the capacity to do the work (e.g., he doesn't have a bunch of vulnerable-narcissist traits such as telling you he is not good enough and hoping you'll convince him otherwise as an ongoing theme in your relationship, while he doesn't actively work on boosting his own self-esteem at the same time). Also make sure you do actually want him. Before healing, there was this AP who just kept pursuing me even though I kept telling him "I don't currently have what it takes to be in a relationship, I have too much mess in my life in practical terms and emotionally." He kept telling me that's ok with him, he is in 100%, and then we began dating, and then he was like "oh you have all these issues and volatility and such, I guess this doesn't work as well as I thought." It was very painful and just further reinforced my feeling too broken to be loved. Just a cautionary tale here. Feelings come and go, but do you really want someone in your life with whatever issues he has? It's perfectly fine to let him go, and it's far better to let him go sooner rather than after he opens up and attaches.
Hey Alexa, was in a pretty similar situation to you a few months ago. So confusing to hear essentially "I really really like you so much but Also that's scary and makes me feel vulnerable and i just can't do this" In a much more elaborate, wordy FA way. Never happened to me before. I would follow the advice of the person above who is one themselves because they can get inside the mindset; but to their point, upon reflection and when the sting of the sudden flip had subsided, I realized as much as I cared for them and thought we could have a life together, quite frankly I'm not sure I could deal with it long-term and can do better (and have started dating someone with a lot of their positive qualities who is secure and oh man, what a different experience). So before you jump to any conclusions, take some time to breathe and reflect and decide if it's even in your best interest to try and make it work with them. In the words of psychiatrist friend "You probably dodged a bullet because that pattern was going to perpetuate, and would be worse the deeper and more involved you were"
@@abby4027 Ah good question. I believe Thais provides a link in the description for people to try to the resources out for a certain amount of time. Would that help you experience firsthand yourself Abby? :)
Why is there so little information about Fearful avoidant compared to the other attachment styles? What attachment style finds us most attractive? Are we the most "difficult" attachment style?
If I won, I'd start with the reprogramming course. I've been working at the layers of myself for 12 years. Been doing ACA for the last 2 years and IFS for about 6 months, this would be great to look at the core and reprogram.
Amazing video and information. Is it common for an FA to have a horrible, hair trigger temper when feeling out of control or embarrassed by something they've done or by another person? Thank you!
I am so grateful for PDS so I could finally discern this and heal it, with your amazing, in-depth processes and insights. And I definitely came up as AP on another attachment coach's website quiz. I knew it was wrong because I only identified with about 30% of the things she said about APs. Thanks to you waaaay better quiz and information, I've known my FA attachment style for awhile now and can work on the right problem!
Im sitting here as a securely attached guy scratching my head how on earth I'm supposed to make this relationship work with my textbook anxious attached girlfriend... like it just feels with every step forward comes 2 steps backward... I want to work on it but I'm starting to think that maybe if she just wants to be alone I should just let her be... I suppose someone has to feel ready themselves to make the change. You can't force them But I love her... so I definitely don't want to give up.
Thank you for this. I have a question that is perhaps asked a lot but I am just beginning to learn about this. I am feeling just indescribable vulnerable and hurt right now after someone whom I suspect is a fearful avoidant broke up with me and in addition left me in the midst of a very difficult, very unsafe situation. I’m wondering a) if I can do anything, meaning if I was able to communicate to him that I think he might have this kind of attachment patterning, would he be likely to listen and take everything back, assuming that I’m right (he is interested in AT any have read a little about it) or should I give it time and hope that he has some insight on his own, and b) if I am right and he has this patterning, would it make sense to try to move past the other ‘betrayal’ - - that of leaving me in a dangerous situation. It was basically just luck that enabled me to navigate it and be okay in the end. I want to help him if he is in pain right now and confused, but I also feel like I need to be protective of myself because what happened was so upsetting and frightening . If it is not something to do with his attachment patterning, I feel that the only other explanation I can think of is that i misjudged him, and that he is not a dependable or kind, loving, respectful person.
Omg this is total me. I'm so grateful to have found this today. I have met a really nice man and yet im back and forth thinking I'm going crazy and undeserving of a relationship. I was just about to give up
And there it was, my point that you hit in this video... I didn´t get Fearful- Avoidant in the beginning, but felt maybe.... but when you said, opens up, but never really opens up or only about topics that didn´t hurt too bad or everything around this topic and hiding the monster and not knowing what to confess about.... this is me at an age of 15 writing my saaad poems that noone ever saw me writing even though my mother stand next to me. And there is this one poem, the only one I always cold tell by heart, which says she opens aup quite a bit and moves towards you and you think everything is fine, everyhing has already been said (and the I don´t like Mondays melody plays somewhere in the back) and one day all of a sudden it seems, the perfectly white marble is bathed in the dark blue of the night and you´ll see the chaos that, silent on the outside inside of her is crying.... that´s my story, and it included everyone of us four, or three after my father died.
How come there's so much information about Anxious avoidant and Dismissive avoidant, but almost nothing about Fearful avoidant attachment styles?? Are we a rare breed, or what?!
I just have one comment. Can you make like speak to third person when speaking about FA/AP ? It feels like an direct attack. Cause you speak different way when you talk about DA. Like speaking to people that ppl have to do extra work FOR DA, not actually speaking to/about them directly. That’s like shaming FA/AP.
Im 20 and I thought I was insane for 4 years cuz of how i acted towards my first girlfriend from 15 to 16. Been single since. Im definitely someone with this, and possibly some mild cptsd. Man this is tough I hope I can maintain the strength to heal but I just wanna give up sometimes.. for good.. 😔 sometimes I feel so confident and then other times I just dont wanna wake up the next day.
When exiting a relationship, they often do the " slow fade", and " monkey branching ", or both. Happened to me. I didn't know anything about FA attachment style at the time. I wondered, " wouldn't an honest discussion have been better"? I am secure, BTW. Now that I understand, I have forgiven him.
Can you please stop using abbreviations like FA , DA etc. Also slowing down your speech would help. It’s a bit overwhelming and difficult to understand
Does the problem always stem from the childhood or can it be if someone had an early relationship say in their 20 which was abusive, followed by all other relationships all very bad basically the same
I jump to worst conclusions and thinking that the worst is going to happen. It is a protective mechanism in my life. Am I fearful avoidant. I was just broken up with because they thought I was far too anxious around them. They discarded me and I felt like I was anxious and just wanted to fix that.
I told my FA ex that she was likely an FA. She told me not to diagnose her. She was with me for 8 years, and we married. She left before she even moved in with vague explanations. She rebounded immediately.
Question: should I come to/chase avoidant to clarify their needs when they don’t speak out but withdraw? Obviously I won’t do it every time because their behavior is toxic, but I sense if I did it for the first time then they expect me to come to them all the time. It’s like all or none. What do I do if I know my DA/FA want to make a commitment but waiting on me to chase/ask them about it?
For DA, not when they are withdrawing it's too late then, and they need to re-centre. once they feel settled in themselves and normal routine you can ask. DA will not volunteer such information and will be confronted and deeply uncomfortable if you start asking about feelings. Frame your queries in a more practical non emotional manner, eg; what are your thoughts? Think of how constructive criticism is used in workplaces, DA will respond better because it removes the personal elements and they feel less attacked and inadequate.
I tend to exhibit traits for all 4 attachment styles but what if you don’t like being in a romantic relationship because you just find people annoying when they are always around? I also do not stay in love which is why I can tolerate a relationship but not marriage or “forever”.
You don't have one single attachment style, you can/will have different styles to different relationships. More robust assesment will accommodate this fact. Eg: I am DA with romantic partners, general population and my father, but secure with my closest friends and slightly in the disorganised for my mother. It's a theory that describes a pattern of behaviours, not a diagnostic tool. Also, attachment is not everything, you have personality traits, cultural norms and so forth that will also influence behaviours and expression.
Agree that people are annoying when always around, always getting in the way, under foot or expecting to be entertained. This is common for DA but also for people with more introverted personalities (big 5 personality theory).
I appreciate the info however your speech rate is so rapid that it’s hard to understand what words you are using bcuz your words are at a blurred speech
I’ve been watching and following and learning and absorbing “attaché ent stuff” for over a year now, but only just now today realized I’m not actually an AP… I’m an FA. All the way. 😩
This describes me to a T with exception of deactivating and pushing people away when someone gets too close. That's why when I first got to know about attachment theory, I thought I was an AP. Only later I have done the test and discovered I have fearful tendencies. It showed me 40% AP, 20% FA, 40% SA. It was confusing, because FA description suits me so much better.
When she's talking about jumping to conclusions... any Correlation to negative thinking??? Predominantly thinking of worst case, or less than ideal situation.
I was a toxic fearful avoidant back then but been working on healing . People say they think I’m secure attachment but deep inside I don’t think I am I just learned to communicate and want healthy relationships but my natural self doesn’t feel fully there , it’s just more controlled of how I come off compared to before & mindful putting a lot of work into secure attachment . How do I know what “secure attachment “ feels like inside ?
Haha I check all of them 😅 Thank you, babe, at least now I can be more aware of this... I will write every clue and hang it on my wall so I can see them and remember to be conscious when the pattern starts happening 😊. I can do! We can do! ❤
Is there such a thing as Avoidant-Fearful? Most descriptions I've seen make it chronological - First fearlful/anxious, then avoidant. Personally, it seems to go in the opposite direction for me.
So true. Im recovering FA and at first i thought I was AP until I heard about volatility and also the AP not having as strong sense of self and not including their needs. I may lash out when emotionally neglected or not considered, and I have a strong sense of self and want to include my needs, identify and ask for them. Im also easily generous and empathetic and perceptive and thoughtful. Im abt 78% secure at this time.
When I first came across this channel 4/5 years ago I was a textbook fearful avoidant. I had two alcoholic parents growing up (dad and step dad) and my mother was strongly codependent. I was already on the way to being secure because of therapy. However I can now truly say I am mostly securely attached because of Thais and Personal development school. I have developed really fulfilling friendships and relationships because of the knowledge shared, and I feel more regulated, calm and fulfilled than I have ever felt in my life before. To anyone reading this thinking fearful avoidant attachment can’t be healed; pleased don’t think that. There is a place on the other side, and once you’re there your life can be more fulfilling, meaningful and connected than maybe someone without any trauma has ever felt. Not to advertise here but Thais has done an amazing job. Thank you so much you compassionate powerwoman! And to all fearful avoidants still healing: there is a life waiting for you, more wonderful than you could have ever imagined
ROsy!! :)
Such a beautiful thing to read Rosy! I am beyond happy for you and thank you so much for posting such an inspiring message for all to read! :)
Thanks Rosy for your comment.
Can this help if you have ADHD or similar or does that not apply and require a different sort of therapy?
Thank you Rosy. You give hope and validation in your vulnerable comment. ❤
"I need others to be OK, so I can be OK." This hit me hard!
Same
This!! It's so exhausting trying to make sure others aren't pissed off, angry etc and being hypervigilant to their needs. So we don't have to deal with the screaming, yelling, and physical abuse.
Since this comment I've found a book, "The Power of TED", that has helped me a lot!
1. Flip flopping / me : CPTSD ✔
2. Active / deactivating ✔
3. Conclusion jumping / mind reading, emotional hypervigilance ✔
4. Fear of being out of control, emotional dysregulation ✔
5. Highly empathetic and sympathetic towards others ✔ ( possibly codependent? )
6. Struggles with boundaries ✔ Can be hostile and then set a firm one
7. Strong emotions, intense ( hurt ,anger betrayal ) All or nothing thinking struggles with
8. Polarity with sharing, show surface vulnerability, with objective to connect.
9. Struggling with Guilt and shame
10. Strong active and deactivate swings ✔
Wow that's a lot of issues. I did not see depression in there anywhere. I would only assume that would be in there right along with that other crap. I lean more in the stable direction, but I tend to attract these types of females. ?
watch "Jimmy on relationships" so you can change this dynamic and take the part of accountability you have.
Will they come back to their true love after 10th sign ? :(
@@allamericantreeservice3754 u r a pleaser that’s why leant to say no and leave if its necessary
Also sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder
That's me . When im single i feel safe and miss a partner, but a partner triggers me like hell and its too confronting and overwhelming all that i withdraw or chase, too emotional (anxious). When I'm single, I'm so self-reliant i dont even depend emotionally on others, I'm detached, hyper focused on career. What a coaster roller of emotions
Wow, that's me in a nutshell! It feels complicated
"I need everyone to be ok so that i can also be ok" trueer words have never been spoken about me
I think I was this, but I feel God has healed so much of this in me, so though I can understand and relate I have learned to cope really well…which is exciting for me to think I’ve grown in this!
I am so glad that you brought up that having a very intense adult relationship can truly change you to your core.
I always thought I was anxious preoccupied because I was, well, so anxious. However, thanks to this channel, I began to realise it was fear more than anxiety (and there’s a big difference), and in some situations, I was avoidant. I never understood that before (in fact, I would probably have denied it).
Same here!!
Same !!! I was confused cause I always thought I was “disorganized attachment “ but would swing between thinking I was anxious or secure or avoidant consistently so I think I’m just disorganized working on secure attachment . 😅
Same!
Honestly something as simple as having one super affectionate parent and one super unemotional unaffectionate parent. Depending on the environment it can feed off itself
Absolutely! My mother was super attentive and present throughout my childhood. (although not very educated on emotional acceptance or tolerating my big feelings as a kid) But on the other hand I had a step father who was an emotionally damaged hair trigger of a 220lb man that exhibited zero ability to avoid screaming into the face of three year old me while solidly poking my chest along with a general proclivity for smashing stuff in our house and being overly controlling to the point of spotless bedrooms with a bed made tight enough to bounce a quarter . I'm not exaggerating..... Fucking navy guy.. and now I'm avoidant and have my own severe bouts of rage that rear their heads whenever I feel like I'm expected to be vulnerable with my fiance who is the mother of our three perfect babies ranging 6-1 yrs. After far too many, very unsettling and confusing blowout arguments that seemingly were over tiny nuisances that her or I mispercieved as attacks or abandonment, we have had to resort to living sperately and spending time as often as we feel secure doing so until we get our family healed into a healthy, stable, full of love state. My fiance has a similar upbringing. Her father left early, and along came the abusive step "dad." Were both in the same boat as each other with exact equal opposite emotional barriers and abandonment fears. We flip flop with who's bailing on who except she chases me, and I push her away when she's leaving. It's heartbreaking for me to know my babies have seen more chaos then I ever wanted for their developing brains. We didn't know what was wrong for a long time because we both blame shifted and avoided accountability at all costs. But I know she is the one in every other possible way, and it's worth the repairing and work to heal together and help guide our kids through the repair to the damage that has inevitably happened.
Sorry for the novel. In short, two prime examples that back up your statement. Hang tough, and remember to give grace to yourself!
Describes me well, especially when I’m in the first 6 months of a new relationship. Eventually I sort myself out and become more secure, but I do see those underlying dynamics at play in myself, which I recognize and try to overcome.
I overshare with anybody but I never let anyone know that they mean a lot to me or that I was hurt by them.
I have such a hard time telling people that they mean a lot to me
Yes…so true. “Anybody” can’t hurt me because there’s no emotional risk involved on my part. I’m not attached. If I share with someone I care about and they don’t react “accordingly” it’d be too painful
The flip flopping is so painful. I was really hoping my ex and me would be able to try again as I had been doing a lot of work. We met a couple of days ago and decided to give it another go. Now,here I am, fearing trapped and wanting to pull away. Its painful for the other person,and its painful for the FA as you almost don't know what you feel or want.
I found also good TH-cam channel about fearful avoidants. Search Paulien Timmer
Exactly. I know so well the feeling. I wondered what was wrong with me, I thought I had a healthy attachement style with some fearful avoidant traits (because I would read superficial things about FA, that did not fit me) and from time to time I would imagine I might be an FA, but since in a relationship I really felt like a AP, i just thought, well, I can have both depends on the situation. Still, it was strange (just with one person to have another style?) But with this channel everything is clrar now. I do think I am prettey much FA, but working on it nad since I know the issue, it is easier for me to heal it so I am really greatful for this information
This is me! My feelings can literally change from one moment to the next. I don't trust myself, which makes me want to give up and be alone. It's much easier!
I’ve been watching your videos the past 2 years and I’m pretty sure I’m Fearful Avoidant. I have a lifelong ADHD diagnosis so I think the “disorganized” attachment label is very appropriate for me. I’ve always struggled with making and keeping friends. Lots of social anxiety recently recently after being told to stay home and “socially distance” from other people the last 3 years! I’m definitely afraid to ask for help sometimes and like to have control over the situation, sort of like “if nobody else can do it, I have to do it myself”
That’s great if you have discovered your attachment style. Just as a side note: your ADD has absolutely nothing to do with your attachment style. It’s simply the way you show up in an intimate relationship & it has to do with your core wounds. Disorganized simply means you flip flop between being afraid of being abandoned to feeling scared about the relationship & suffocated & extremely afraid of getting hurt by that person.
It's a breath of fresh air to relate that you were also FA. I've been watching video after video of yours as a crash course into learning about how to help myself and my partner and I have found you so verbose, with each sentence elaborating exactly how I feel in detail. You are making a lifetime of sense for me thank you so much for the work and time it took to lay this information out in such a digestible way.
I appreciate you mentioning Fa's who became Fa after an abusive relationship....i'd love to know the difference between the normal fa who was fa since their childhood and the ones who changed attachment later on...cause i was ap in my childhood then later on i became fearful avoidant...and my Fa sister has always been Fa...we are completely different in the way we relate to people even though both of us have the same attachment style....
I was FA since childhood. I tried being more vulnerable with a boyfriend (who was abusing me) and I went straight FA ever since. I tried. No use being vulnerable with someone who doesn't care for you....... :/
A lot of this has to do with the nervous system sensitivity at birth and a portion on personality.
Chances are you and your sister have different fight/flight/freeze/fawn profiles seen during childhood stress.
Then your abusive relationship changed things for you, but you still have a different nervous system makeup up and personality type.
Using the alcoholic parent analogy is good, but as a member of a FA group, most have one parent who is emotionally unavailable and withhold or deny affection, approval, and positive regard leaves their children with unresolved emotions themselves. If the parent is very critical, that just makes the problem. Mom didn't help matters as she is codependent. While his behavior would be considered emotionally abuse now. My father was not a bad man. He was very responsible and always put is family first , but you never knew who you were going to get from one day to the next (regular dad or critical dad). Unfortunately, emotionally unavailable fathers often come from generations of fathers who are the same. They are raising their children just as they were and are "making" FA children who fear rejection, abandonment, low self esteem and in some cases depression. My AP ruled me in my 20s and 30's. I was looking for love from all the wrong people. A AP didn't stand a chance and secures wouldn't last long. Put 999 AP and secure men in a room and 1 DA, I will find that DA everytime. Now that I'm older with two divorces. I have never been in a relationship or marriage that has lasted more than five years. I have become perfectly happy in being alone.
That was pretty deep and it moved me. Thanks for sharing. My avoidant side has kept me away from being in a relationship. I've dated & hooked up with ppl but never anything serious or long-term..strong fear of intimacy. It's tricky being this way bc it's easy to rationalize why it's good to be single. I'm also selective and need a lot of time to get to know someone. All in all, I've grown & have learned a lot. I'm more at ease these days and prefer to form a connection through the realm of friendship. I'm hopeful.
Omg this explains it. My dad was the same way. Great provider and good man in the community. But had a temper out of this world and would lash out on us for the smallest things. Yelling at me and my siblings and then physically abusing us. It made me super hypervigilant to his emotions and everyone else to make sure we don't make hik angry and made me walk around scared. My mom was great and available but she never stopped this behavior of my dad.
Wow that was interesting, according to the quiz, I'm FA, makes a lot of sense. I swing from clingy and needy to cold and aloof, veering from wanting to be loved to feeling I can't do this, I don't want this, I don't trust, feel jealous, I want my space. Extreme anxiety, which gets confused with my hypothyroidism fight flight freeze.
Im watching this and I cry a lot. Its sad that it takes me soo many years of sabotaging myself and my previous relationships because of this constant fear. Im now in therapy and I just realized that my childhood wasnt that good. I was delusional and try to belive it was normal. Alcoholic boyfriend of my mum, my dads death, my mums emotional unavailability, abuse, neglect, parentification. Now I know why I pushed away soo many people in my life. Shame, fear, anger and resentment. But changes are just around the corner. ❤
Hi, are you feeling better?
Always thought I was the anxious type but thanks to your amazingly well documented information just found out I'm the fearful avoidant type. Thank you, you just made me realise some of my core beliefs that I kept repeating myself for so long and the ways to work on them, not letting them hurt me or the ones around me.
Oh my goodness... I'm so thankful I stumbled across your channel. I've never felt so understood! Thank you for developing these courses! I feel like there's hope and for freedom from this "thing" I have struggled with my entire life.
Same!!
Wow just wow. In tears listening to this. You hit every nail on the head. This explains everything about me and my life.
In my childhood my mom used to physically and verbally abuse me over many silly things but at the same time she used to take me out with her and buy me things and I loved these moments with her but also I was so afraid of her getting upset and hitting me.
Now as an adult I feel so overwhelmed when someone rely on me emotionally and I always want to fall in love and be loved but once I'm in a relationship I tend to feel overwhelmed and push them away but I also tend to miss them and want them back once they go but still, I push them whenever they come back.
I also noticed that I love to feel like I'm falling in love with someone and I'm working to get them to love me but I don't really like it when the other person loves me especially if he/she loves me more than I love them.
I guess I'm fearful avoident?
I learned so much vocabulary from this video. This helps me to be able to think about these concepts, and apply them to my own life. Thank you=) . fearful avoidant, disorganized attachment and anxious avoidant are all the same thing. Life experiences reprogram, and re-condition us throughout our lives---(traumatic and therapeutic experiences alike). Sympathy vs Empathy. I want to hear more about activate and de-activate used as a verb in this attachment style context.
fearful avoidant, disorganized attachment are the same thing but anxious preoccupied is another type of attachment style.
I am FA and going through the comments of these videos is so discouraging. One of the core wounds of Avoidants is the feeling of unworthiness and these comments definitely aggravate those wounds.
I see a lot of run, it’s not worth it, my avoidant partner destroyed me. ( we are oh so terrible)
Just makes me want to stay single. I am working on myself, and feel like it would be so much easier to do alone.
People expect us to undo years of trauma in the one or two years of being together. If we don’t just get over it, we get pushed until our flight wound is activated and when we run, we are the bad guy.
If we stay but get quiet to self- regulate then we are ignoring our partners and again bad guy. If our partners are anxious then they push until we feel forced to just lash out and walk away. Oops bad guy.
I will admit, dating an avoidant is not for the weak.
If your person is making actual effort to heal, be patient.
If they aren’t then walk away.
Ahhh it's a tough spot to be in, what I don't think anyone considers is the fact of how we all show up in relationships. For me, outside of a relationship with a volitile FA, there was alot of pain endured on both ends. He actively came on strong, then retreated, at first it was alright, but after hitting a couple years it began to be draining and confusing and not worth it. I'm sure deep down he believes this behavior is normal, to me it is a dynamic that will cause a right after some time. The constant confusion he left me in, the fear of true intimacy, the beautiful moments and then the strong pull away will cause many to feel inadequate, especially when there is no communication. Had my FA learned to verbalize his internal feelings, many things could be avoided. Unfortunately even now, with all the damage he's caused me psychologically (Not saying all FAs do this) I just don't love him anymore. He was too much, too much work, too much push and pull, too much anger, too much over analyzing, too much testing, too many unresolved fights, too many harsh words and too many tears. He left all the time, lashed out or distant in my presence all the time and the relationship became a source of pain and anger. To top it off he repeatedly blamed me for this, never understanding the full depth of his actions, nor cause and effect. It took a toll on me mentally because I held huge resentment for him. Sometimes I still do, so what I will say is many FAs are so unaware of their behaviors, and why they do them, leaving their partner angry, confused hurt and in pain. Again it all depends. Self awareness will always play a huge role in the dynamic. Half of me knows deep down he knows what he's done, but I don't think he understands the effect it has had on me. Right now about 6 months breakup, he is with the woman he cheated on me with during our 2nd attempt to rekindle. Looking back, I can see all my faults as well. Do not get discouraged about what people say about FAs, open up, be real with yourself, and come into a relationship being as open, honest and willing as you can.
I mean, yeah maybe you should stay single until you figure it out. I was a pretty severe dismissive avoidant and I stayed single for many years so I wouldn't hurt anyone while working through my issues.
Thank you. This has really helped confirm what I thought was going on. I did think that I had an anxious attachment for awhile but this year someone mentioned I was probably disorganized because I flip-flop attachment style from one relationship to another. Only in the last month have I understood that dis-organized is fearful avoidant. Now I'm doing the research on FA and this video was really helpful in clarifying it for me. Again, thank you.
You're welcome!
Thank you Dr Gibson happy holidays and seasons greeting to you and your family
thank you, and you too!
You look so beautiful Thais 🥰 Insightful video as always, gave me a lot to think about
I was thinking the same thing 🙂
I used to be dismissive avoidant. Then now I’ve spend 8 years of learning to open up and be vulnerable to myself, in friendships and partly in situationships. Now I fit well a mix between a fearful avoidant and secure. I’m curious to know more about this shift from dismissive to fearful avoidant
@@sunbeam9222 SA here, always have been. I have met a hardcore DA last year and he turned me into an anxious wreck. Unfortunately, unlike you he couldn’t self reflect. Maybe one day…
This girl/lady is not only pretty but super helpful 😮😊
Great video. Helped me, in real life
Thank you Thais, you have been and are incredibly helpful!
You're welcome!
I'm going to have to rewatch this, like, 30 seconds at a time and write down literally every point you make because every second of this is gold. Thank you thank you thank you.
im an FA currently in a rel with a person who is secure attached...its unlike any rel ive ever had...im not in a constant state of triggered and its like a miracle...i feel so calm and even emotionally...i def swing from anxious to avoidant..i like being in my avoidant state much better than anxious..now i just try to keep myself from self sabotage and i notice when im experiencing black and white thinking and i stop myself from going down the neg hole..yr vids are awesome..thanks Thais
I've been flipflopping what I was for years but I think this video settled that I'm FA. I didn't want the FA label because I feel like it's a catch all label people use when they don't know who they are. Most of my friends who took the test think they are FA which can't be true stat wise..I had a crazy childhood kinda but no alcoholic or anything.
But I definitely deactivate, cautious with vulnerability (most of the time although I can be a open book sometimes), and I can get bored if I get what I want and there's commitment. Although I am leaning anxious because I never truely want to detatch if I really like them.
What a great cocktail of fun when you are both FA and AP (recovering though and it's getting better, no more friendship issues or work issues but R/S, hard to break the patterns or believe otherwise when it just keeps repeating....)
Can it be a sign if you hold on because you think your ex loves you but that you made a mistake and in one breath you really want to move on because you think they don’t love you.
It could be. That could also be a bunch of dead weight that you're willfully carrying around because you don't want to let go, for fear of finding out they really were some kind of way. Kind of a dillusional hopium obstacle. Find your position. Affirm by speaking out loud, then close the doors that should be closed or opened, and hold the course. No partially one way or but maybe turn around go back the other way. Hope this helps always take a internet advice with a grain of salt 🤣
That’s actually being anxious. We’d have to know more but it’s feeling anxious about someone leaving you to feeling like this sort of panic like I can’t be in this relationship, I feel suffocated…it feels like a trap, I just want free & then you might go back to feeling really anxious about it being over. When we force ourselves to be vulnerable, it’s a way to overcome that. So for instance, saying exactly how you feel. (Finding that out first!!) But if you want that person back & you aren’t just feeling abandoned or lonely, than being extremely vulnerable about how you feel & coming to terms with how you can change or what mistakes you make without self-abandoning just because you want that person back because you’re scared. It sounds like you might not be aware if you actually want this person back.
thank you thank you thank you. i was absolutely feeling helpless. thank you for the start.
Such a great video!!!
A martrix or flow chart would make a great compliment to the channel. The video is well received, however, there are many variations in the vlog. it's all o er the place.
Thank you for this. These videos have helped bring a lot of understanding. ♥️♥️♥️
Wow. I thought I was secure/anxious but I am definitely FA. I’ve studied attachment theory for years so I could be a good parent but never really dug into it in the context of myself. But now I understand, interestingly enough 100% of my relationships have been with DA, and many of those were abusive towards me therefore reinforcing my FA style.
Yep. Rings true to my experience. Aw I feel sadness and compassion for myself around these trauma responses, strategies and protective mechanisms. But I feel for other FAs and other styles, AP and DA as well. I wish all loved ones would listen to you to have more understanding of me and themselves.
Spot on, as usual. You've got to quit spying on me for material!
;)
So I have just realized that I am fearful avoidant, because literally every single thing you talk about is exactly what I have struggled with my whole adult life and have never known what was wrong with me. You’re even using the same exact word I used to describe my feelings in a relationship before I even knew this existed, which is “trapped.”
However, when you start talking about childhood trauma, I get lost, because I did not have a traumatic childhood. I had a very normal and happy childhood, with sisters and friends who don’t seem traumatized. So how do you explain that? I did have some bad experiences in school and a father who was a workaholic so was gone a lot, but was home every night, so that doesn’t seem particularly traumatizing.
I want to cry! 😭😭 I'm today years old to know I'm an FA! You hit me 🎯!! 😭😭
FAs out here, please help. What can be done if a fearful avoidant says that I deserve better and I don't need him, and yada yada. He is basically deciding for me. I can totally see it but there are some deep feelings on my end. He "escaped" the forming relationship since "he liked me and he did not like that, and was afraid to fall in love with me".
It's been two weeks where there was a little bit of communication. Then he went into "hiding" by not reading my message. And ended up deleting the chat on his end.
I noticed and opened a new one with "Running up that hill" song and showing him tongue smiley.
What should I do? Is he expecting some gestures from me? Should I stay quiet? Is there hope that he will come back?
(Mostly secure now, but previously very FA.) I would recommend just putting all your cards on the table. You could write to him: "I hear you say you are afraid of getting in a relationship and you seem to feel not good enough. However, I believe that our relationship could work because of (insert a couple of concrete reasons). I don't expect us to get into a committed relationship by tomorrow but ultimately this is what I am looking for. Take your time and think about it, and if that's what you want, let's give it a shot, and if not, then I understand."
Hopefully, this will help get the FA out of a triggered state into a more logical-mind type of thinking. You can make it work with an FA but only if he is motivated at least on an intellectual level (like, if he actually wants to get into a relationship at the moment, he thinks you are the right person, etc.) and has the capacity to do the work (e.g., he doesn't have a bunch of vulnerable-narcissist traits such as telling you he is not good enough and hoping you'll convince him otherwise as an ongoing theme in your relationship, while he doesn't actively work on boosting his own self-esteem at the same time).
Also make sure you do actually want him. Before healing, there was this AP who just kept pursuing me even though I kept telling him "I don't currently have what it takes to be in a relationship, I have too much mess in my life in practical terms and emotionally." He kept telling me that's ok with him, he is in 100%, and then we began dating, and then he was like "oh you have all these issues and volatility and such, I guess this doesn't work as well as I thought." It was very painful and just further reinforced my feeling too broken to be loved. Just a cautionary tale here. Feelings come and go, but do you really want someone in your life with whatever issues he has? It's perfectly fine to let him go, and it's far better to let him go sooner rather than after he opens up and attaches.
@@spikygreen it's a great piece of advice. Thank you.
Hey Alexa, was in a pretty similar situation to you a few months ago. So confusing to hear essentially "I really really like you so much but Also that's scary and makes me feel vulnerable and i just can't do this" In a much more elaborate, wordy FA way. Never happened to me before. I would follow the advice of the person above who is one themselves because they can get inside the mindset; but to their point, upon reflection and when the sting of the sudden flip had subsided, I realized as much as I cared for them and thought we could have a life together, quite frankly I'm not sure I could deal with it long-term and can do better (and have started dating someone with a lot of their positive qualities who is secure and oh man, what a different experience). So before you jump to any conclusions, take some time to breathe and reflect and decide if it's even in your best interest to try and make it work with them. In the words of psychiatrist friend "You probably dodged a bullet because that pattern was going to perpetuate, and would be worse the deeper and more involved you were"
I'd move on he will continue to make you feel discombulated and confused. You'll be healing but he will still be stuck in the same place.
why did you make a video about my ex girlfriend? you may as well have had a picture of her in the corner.
Yes yes yes! I thought I was a AP but nooo I am so FA it's scary, now that I know. Trying so hard to fix it.
Have you done any work to break the FA patterns Anna? :)
Are you a part of the PDS school??
@@abby4027 Nope. Why do you ask Abby?
@@lifecoachingtoronto I was just curious if you were able to utilize the resources!
@@abby4027 Ah good question. I believe Thais provides a link in the description for people to try to the resources out for a certain amount of time. Would that help you experience firsthand yourself Abby? :)
Why is there so little information about Fearful avoidant compared to the other attachment styles? What attachment style finds us most attractive? Are we the most "difficult" attachment style?
If I won, I'd start with the reprogramming course. I've been working at the layers of myself for 12 years. Been doing ACA for the last 2 years and IFS for about 6 months, this would be great to look at the core and reprogram.
Amazing video and information. Is it common for an FA to have a horrible, hair trigger temper when feeling out of control or embarrassed by something they've done or by another person? Thank you!
I am so grateful for PDS so I could finally discern this and heal it, with your amazing, in-depth processes and insights. And I definitely came up as AP on another attachment coach's website quiz. I knew it was wrong because I only identified with about 30% of the things she said about APs. Thanks to you waaaay better quiz and information, I've known my FA attachment style for awhile now and can work on the right problem!
Really helpful, thank you! will you be doing one of these on the anxious preoccupied ? that would be great! 🙏
Thank you so much!
11:00 aka people pleasing and constant worrying!thank you that describes my mindset down to a t!
😂 holy shit …. I wish someone told me this about 20 years ago.
It is absoulte chaos and I am confuuuused about myself... I am the chaos. I lived in chaos 🫠😭
Need to work trhough my trauma and me...the chaos 😂👍🏼
This is SCARY accurate. - fearful avoidant 😂😰🖤
Im such a sap! Eat this up!
She is sooo accurate with this
Bar for Bar
why am i crying to this
Pendulum swinging ha I just bought a grandfather clock! No joke.
I always love the alcoholic parent analogy Thais gives!!
You nailed 100%. Please help me too 😢😅❤.
Im sitting here as a securely attached guy scratching my head how on earth I'm supposed to make this relationship work with my textbook anxious attached girlfriend... like it just feels with every step forward comes 2 steps backward... I want to work on it but I'm starting to think that maybe if she just wants to be alone I should just let her be... I suppose someone has to feel ready themselves to make the change. You can't force them
But I love her... so I definitely don't want to give up.
Thank you for this. I have a question that is perhaps asked a lot but I am just beginning to learn about this. I am feeling just indescribable vulnerable and hurt right now after someone whom I suspect is a fearful avoidant broke up with me and in addition left me in the midst of a very difficult, very unsafe situation.
I’m wondering a) if I can do anything, meaning if I was able to communicate to him that I think he might have this kind of attachment patterning, would he be likely to listen and take everything back, assuming that I’m right (he is interested in AT any have read a little about it) or should I give it time and hope that he has some insight on his own,
and b) if I am right and he has this patterning, would it make sense to try to move past the other ‘betrayal’ - - that of leaving me in a dangerous situation. It was basically just luck that enabled me to navigate it and be okay in the end.
I want to help him if he is in pain right now and confused, but I also feel like I need to be protective of myself because what happened was so upsetting and frightening . If it is not something to do with his attachment patterning, I feel that the only other explanation I can think of is that i misjudged him, and that he is not a dependable or kind, loving, respectful person.
Making others okay sounds like fawning behaviour as a trauma response. How closely are the two conditions related? C-PTSD and Attachment issues?
Omg this is total me. I'm so grateful to have found this today. I have met a really nice man and yet im back and forth thinking I'm going crazy and undeserving of a relationship. I was just about to give up
#8 feels a bit like a manipulation strategy to stay safe. secure. connected. hmmm
And there it was, my point that you hit in this video... I didn´t get Fearful- Avoidant in the beginning, but felt maybe.... but when you said, opens up, but never really opens up or only about topics that didn´t hurt too bad or everything around this topic and hiding the monster and not knowing what to confess about....
this is me at an age of 15 writing my saaad poems that noone ever saw me writing even though my mother stand next to me.
And there is this one poem, the only one I always cold tell by heart, which says she opens aup quite a bit and moves towards you and you think everything is fine, everyhing has already been said (and the I don´t like Mondays melody plays somewhere in the back) and one day all of a sudden it seems, the perfectly white marble is bathed in the dark blue of the night and you´ll see the chaos that, silent on the outside inside of her is crying.... that´s my story, and it included everyone of us four, or three after my father died.
How come there's so much information about Anxious avoidant and Dismissive avoidant, but almost nothing about Fearful avoidant attachment styles?? Are we a rare breed, or what?!
My current relationship is probably going to turn me FA.
I just have one comment. Can you make like speak to third person when speaking about FA/AP ? It feels like an direct attack. Cause you speak different way when you talk about DA. Like speaking to people that ppl have to do extra work FOR DA, not actually speaking to/about them directly. That’s like shaming FA/AP.
Im 20 and I thought I was insane for 4 years cuz of how i acted towards my first girlfriend from 15 to 16. Been single since. Im definitely someone with this, and possibly some mild cptsd. Man this is tough I hope I can maintain the strength to heal but I just wanna give up sometimes.. for good.. 😔 sometimes I feel so confident and then other times I just dont wanna wake up the next day.
Thank you for this 💕
You're welcome!
When exiting a relationship, they often do the " slow fade", and " monkey branching ", or both. Happened to me. I didn't know anything about FA attachment style at the time. I wondered, " wouldn't an honest discussion have been better"? I am secure, BTW. Now that I understand, I have forgiven him.
Can you please stop using abbreviations like FA , DA etc. Also slowing down your speech would help. It’s a bit overwhelming and difficult to understand
Does the problem always stem from the childhood or can it be if someone had an early relationship say in their 20 which was abusive, followed by all other relationships all very bad basically the same
I jump to worst conclusions and thinking that the worst is going to happen. It is a protective mechanism in my life. Am I fearful avoidant. I was just broken up with because they thought I was far too anxious around them. They discarded me and I felt like I was anxious and just wanted to fix that.
Learning I’m FA, not AP. This all hit with me, interesting. Though, I thought I use to be secure when I was younger, maybe not.
I told my FA ex that she was likely an FA. She told me not to diagnose her. She was with me for 8 years, and we married. She left before she even moved in with vague explanations. She rebounded immediately.
Question: should I come to/chase avoidant to clarify their needs when they don’t speak out but withdraw?
Obviously I won’t do it every time because their behavior is toxic, but I sense if I did it for the first time then they expect me to come to them all the time. It’s like all or none. What do I do if I know my DA/FA want to make a commitment but waiting on me to chase/ask them about it?
For DA, not when they are withdrawing it's too late then, and they need to re-centre. once they feel settled in themselves and normal routine you can ask. DA will not volunteer such information and will be confronted and deeply uncomfortable if you start asking about feelings. Frame your queries in a more practical non emotional manner, eg; what are your thoughts? Think of how constructive criticism is used in workplaces, DA will respond better because it removes the personal elements and they feel less attacked and inadequate.
I like your work , however you talk to fast to be 100% understandable
Anxious-avoidants is the most accurate description.
Is feeling trapped and controlled a trait of this type? Im unsure if its a problem or I just like my freedom
I tend to exhibit traits for all 4 attachment styles but what if you don’t like being in a romantic relationship because you just find people annoying when they are always around?
I also do not stay in love which is why I can tolerate a relationship but not marriage or “forever”.
You don't have one single attachment style, you can/will have different styles to different relationships. More robust assesment will accommodate this fact. Eg: I am DA with romantic partners, general population and my father, but secure with my closest friends and slightly in the disorganised for my mother. It's a theory that describes a pattern of behaviours, not a diagnostic tool. Also, attachment is not everything, you have personality traits, cultural norms and so forth that will also influence behaviours and expression.
Agree that people are annoying when always around, always getting in the way, under foot or expecting to be entertained.
This is common for DA but also for people with more introverted personalities (big 5 personality theory).
I appreciate the info however your speech rate is so rapid that it’s hard to understand what words you are using bcuz your words are at a blurred speech
i feel very heavy when i think of how long and unlikely my secure healing is in light of the past. whats the prognosis for two FAs together ... ? 😅
I thought I was anxious, now I think I might be FA. What are the major differences? How will I be able to distinguish between the two? 🤔
Yes :)
Thank you! you get it, i feel so seen and validated
I’ve been watching and following and learning and absorbing “attaché ent stuff” for over a year now, but only just now today realized I’m not actually an AP… I’m an FA. All the way. 😩
This describes me to a T with exception of deactivating and pushing people away when someone gets too close. That's why when I first got to know about attachment theory, I thought I was an AP. Only later I have done the test and discovered I have fearful tendencies. It showed me 40% AP, 20% FA, 40% SA.
It was confusing, because FA description suits me so much better.
Well that is us INFJs 😀
INFJ too.
Why do we feel the need to be in a relationship?
When she's talking about jumping to conclusions... any Correlation to negative thinking??? Predominantly thinking of worst case, or less than ideal situation.
I was a toxic fearful avoidant back then but been working on healing . People say they think I’m secure attachment but deep inside I don’t think I am I just learned to communicate and want healthy relationships but my natural self doesn’t feel fully there , it’s just more controlled of how I come off compared to before & mindful putting a lot of work into secure attachment . How do I know what “secure attachment “ feels like inside ?
You will get there.Maybe you should work with a professional.
Haha I check all of them 😅
Thank you, babe, at least now I can be more aware of this... I will write every clue and hang it on my wall so I can see them and remember to be conscious when the pattern starts happening 😊.
I can do! We can do! ❤
Is there such a thing as Avoidant-Fearful? Most descriptions I've seen make it chronological - First fearlful/anxious, then avoidant. Personally, it seems to go in the opposite direction for me.
So true. Im recovering FA and at first i thought I was AP until I heard about volatility and also the AP not having as strong sense of self and not including their needs. I may lash out when emotionally neglected or not considered, and I have a strong sense of self and want to include my needs, identify and ask for them. Im also easily generous and empathetic and perceptive and thoughtful. Im abt 78% secure at this time.