I'm looking through your channel about "no contact" and I don't see any videos on the topic of when "no contact" is actually the healthiest option for a person. Maybe this message is briefly touched on in several, but I think it's a powerful topic. I'm healing from narcissistic abuse. If a person you were close to took advantage of your empathy, you're allowed to stop offering them empathy without it making you a lesser person. It's important to pay attention to people who strive to be better and those who future fake. It only takes one person to break a cycle.
click this link to see the videos on no contact. The first 8 or so are on the topic: www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool/search?query=contact@@champe0n61
I am smack in the middle of a breakup with an FA (after a very short intense relationship) and your videos have been unbelievably informative in helping me to understand what he is feeling and going through. I am so grateful! I am working on my own feelings and challenges but I think it has really been refreshing and valuable to him that I have some idea of what he needs and what he is going through. All thanks to you Thais! He is someone I really care about and see a future with and being able to use your insights to heal our relationship is so wonderful.
@champe0n61 I'm sorry your going through the process if narcissric abuse. I've been there before and it's not fun. You will never figure them out and why they acted this way towards you. And please don't feel isolated l, they treat everyone this way and where the mask daily to fool coworkers and the general public. I know you will make it through. Work with a therapist that is specialized in this area to help you understand the dynamics to help with your healing journey. Sending you strength and love ❤
@@mistresscreativ I was with a great guy and we had not even a cross word in two months. One morning, I did not get the typical morning text. Within 36 hours, he sent me a confusing text saying that we needed to talk and added "I am so sorry". I never heard from him again. I have not contacted him since. He is a good guy and I was blindsided by the end of our short 2 month exclusive (?) relationship. I would like to explore a relationship as he seemed like a good guy. How are you processing?
I spent 5 years with a FA partner. As much as you want to help and be there for them, they need to figure out for themselves. I had to walk away because they were not emotionally available, and I wanted that.
My FA ex who i still love very much reached out to me yesterday after i went NC after the breakup. She expressed wanting to be friends and that she was checking in. I almost didn't respond because i've been progressing through the grieving process. Im still processing and hurt by her decision to end the relationship. I responded out of respect and told her i respect and care about her, but we need time and space to heal and process. I also mentioned it also serves to allow me to honor her decision to end our relationship and gives me room to do the work to progress into a happier and healthier version of myself. I expressed that i hope shes feeling less depressed and overwhelmed and wished her the best. A very difficult relationship/breakup, but so good in many ways. I miss her. I hope she figures it out, but i dont see how she could be emotionally ready to be friends with me after 1 week of ending our relationship.
They compartmentalise their emotions, convince themselves it wasn't right to justify their decision so it's easy for them to be friends because they can so easily detach. It doesn't make sense, I agree, but we're not avoidant so it won't. They also don't want to be seen as the villain so the friends offer is for them to feel less guilty and portray compassion, to keep you in their life without the commitment of the relationship, which is selfish and lacks empathy for the person they dumped. I got the same offer.
@sagovana due to recent developments, my feeling is that her offer of friends was partly due to relieving guilt and partly due to her wanting to keep me around. So glad I moved on when I did or maybe I'd still be stuck in indecision and regret like she seems to be. She clearly has some negative feelings and confusion surrounding me simply honoring her decision to end things. Despite it being her choice, I think she expected me to wait around for her or something. I'm in a happy/healthy relationship now with someone amazing who respects me and knows what they want.
@@cornholiusmy gf just broke up with me a week and a half ago, I’m FA and she is AA. I bought this women’s course and it is well worth the money. For me, it was the harsh realization that all of my relationships end the exact same way. I’m really motivated to do the work regardless of whether I get her back or not.
Yeah, I’m looking at a 11 year friendship with sudden recent romantic overtones getting flushed because I pointed out his behavior and he’s gone radio silent. Ages of shouldering the emotional burden and this is the thanks I get. Good luck, dude.
I'm grateful to understand these traits and personality type. Broke it off because of lack of connection; she's impetuous, distracted, evasive, and anxious. When she came to terms that it is over, she melted-down and begun the barrage of revenge that paled the numerous other moments of petulant behavior. She cannot be alone; her phone is never out of reach. And, she made blatant displays of an approach toward personal growth, which were obviously in false hope to regain my interest, meanwhile nothing changes. That was my final share of damaged women. Bless them. Good Lord. It is real.
Let the FA sit in their pain until they seek professional help and heal If you allow them to run the relationship then you will be tied to a person that will never be an emotionally available partner Don't waste your life on someone that can't really love you Save yourself
Thanks i needed to be reminded of this. My FA ex basically ran the show not overtly but by controlling emotional intimacy and pulling away. Even after 16 months I noticed we were struggling to maintain a deep connection. I finally broke it off and have gone no contact and blocked because I know she'll eventually reach out. I love her, but I couldn't stand the relationship any longer. I have empathy for FAs but you couldn't pay me enough to sign up to date one again.
@@kzmademe1099, I hear ya! You did the right thing and it is really tough. My relationship was only 6 months but I’m devastated. The last time we were together, I told him gently that I needed for both of us to be able to be vulnerable, honest, and that we could grow. He stared at the ceiling then closed his eyes. Wow. I had my answer. Hang in there. You are the healthy one.
It's so hard trying to figure out what to do. I don't want them to trigger their avoidant side by being too anxious myself, but also don't want to lose them because they think I'm not interested.
I'm in that exact situation. I even asked him if he wanted me to back off and give him space or fight to save the relationship. He honestly didn't know, so I'm trying to find a smart middle ground. No idea if I'm doing it right or not.
It says online not to go more than 3-4 weeks for FAs and when u do reach out, give off secure, calm vibes like u care and are there even in distance and giving them space so they feel safe to return. Also keeping the message when u do reach out should not be overemotional but calm, chill and secure but dont shut them out in cutting words
Such a gamble. You try so hard and it may mean failure. I have always wondered, do FA end up alone and lonely in their older years and die alone? Do they think about this? Does it make them fearful? I would think of how I want my retirement years to look like and that made me realise I have to invest in maintaining relationships. And so I decided who I want to grow old with and invest in them (and they reciprocate! ☺️). It’s going well ^^ So yeah, do FA ever have this thought? I would think if they did, they would no be behaving this way? Open to comments 😊
I heard something like for people with trauma they often learn how to love with a pet before they can love people and that definitely applies to my dog, Sweetie. I love and trust her more than any man, she's pretty low maintenance, too! 🐶lol
My fearful avoidant when I initiated no contact… Went on dating sites asked his friends to set him up and filled his time dating other people. It’s another thing they do like numbing out such as drinking or video games… But you don’t mention that. They can meet someone else who’s not as threatening as you because it’s the beginning stages. I think this is pretty common. At the same time he was doing this he was trying to text me and I did not respond. It’s only been two weeks so I am still in no contact.
I'm the FA. Gf of 5y broke up withe over my shit. Both calm for the breakup itself, I saw mixed messages, and told her I was also considering a break, because I needed space to adress my bs and finally try a real effort. We talked, she got annoyed, said this isn't temporary and started no contact on me. Eventually just agreed to respect her wishes, and keep working. Hoping. I lost my health and IT job pretty much at the same time, so it's been something else. I'd do anything to get her back, and put in a real effort, but sadly, I'm not going to convince anyone of shit in my current low-value state. Anyway, just wanted to let you know, not all FAs are ok at the start of a breakup. The sooner a permanent termination of a connection we actually really cared for, in our dumb ass way, is made painfully obvious, the sooner our anxious side is triggered. The sooner our "I got this..." natural chaos home turf response flies out the window. I HAD things, job, health and personal development wise. I had the energy. I don't anymore. And I can't handle either of them right now.
My avoidant partner did the same EXACT thing. I already anticipated he would do it and she’s only “safe” in the beginning stages of dating just like I was. I didn’t get jealous as much as felt pity for him.. he’s a broken man with a history of short relationships. I hope he wakes up and learns one day. After we developed deeper feelings for each other he started flirting with other women as a deactivation method.
I’ve taken multiple quiz’s that say I’m fearful avoidant but I only pull back and shut down during conflict. When things are good we are very very close.
I’m a FA and I’ve been in a few relationships, not many. I absolutely do not like the feeling of being anxious or out of control so I tend to either keep going along or avoiding relationships all together in order to keep control of that feeling. I have initiated every breakup and I’ve had a no contact situation which I felt I had to do in order to stop feeling crazy in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. There’s instant relief and then quickly than a week I can cycle to regret, sadness and pain, even anger. I tend to feel that sense of relief intermittently with the feeling of missing them. It’s a faster cycle than what you’ve described.
At what stage would you think you’d be open to hearing from an ex again? I’m FA (anxious leaning) and my ex is FA (avoidant leaning). We’ve broken up once before and I just stayed no contact until he contacted me 4 months later. Wondering what will happen this time.
I am a 71-year-old male and I am just now finding out what is wrong with me. I’ve been doing some research because I’ve been back-and-forth with a relationship several times with a beautiful woman. Not knowing that it was probably me all along that kept leaving and then wanting to come back.also called a relationship cycle if I am correct. It’s so sad because she is a beautiful woman that I will never get back after many back-and-forth break ups. She told me that she is exhausted from all of the back-and-forth.
I honestly think all this content about all these styles and codes just to talk to someone is making everyone so incredibly confused that relationships are just now failing even more.
I think the part of FAs that I STILL can’t make sense of is the duality and contradiction of their words and feelings. For example, I had a situationship with a FA who was VERY clear about keeping it casual and NON exclusive, yet he seemed jealous and insecure when he suspected that I was seeing someone else??? He was also VERY clear about not wanting marriage or children, EVER, but would get offended when I’d say things like ‘when I get married, one day’. I ended things with him because ultimately we kept triggering each other. He’d shut down & deactivate on me for reasons I could never understand and he never explained and that would trigger my abandonment wound. I suspect I triggered him with my comments about marrying someone else one day or because he suspected I was dating someone else even though he had been very firm and clear that this was an open-situationship. This was almost a year ago. He sometimes reaches out. But I ignore him because it’s triggering. But I’ll never understand it. Any insight is welcome
To me as an FA I absolutely understand his behaviour. He does want to go very slow but sure hence he at the beginning really wants only a casual relationship only but as the feelings and connection grows if he really feels it he know he is falling hard and knows he secretly hopes it will progress further. When you the act too aloof you trigger his wound of not being secure, he gets scared that his feelings are not going to be reciprocated and that you leave at some point and starts that crazy push- pull, in-out, hot-cold cycle :(
I was in a similar situation with a FA who wanted to keep the FWB that "she" had but would be mortally upset if I was sleeping with other women. She then had the nerve to complain about the insecurities this situation inevitably created in me.
@@AG-bx1cc absolute madness. I’ve noticed that at their core a lot of FAs just don’t know who and what they what because they don’t trust people or themselves. So they like having multiple options whilst they figure out who they can trust / what they want. I could be wrong, but that’s how it comes across.
@@Juniperberrie25 It was so maddening as she'd describe the relationship as ticking boxes that no other relationship had ever ticked for her, yet simultaneously be loathe to even describe it as a relationship at all and still want the freedom to be with other people whenever she wanted. I could handle this if she would have at least admitted that this is not great behavior and was working on it, but she seriously thought this was perfectly fine as it was her situation before we got together.
Thais is so knowledgeable. I really appreciate these videos. As a man that got dumped by my avoidant ex that i still love verry much i wish i could see more videos on how likely it is to win back such ex. If its done in a non manipulative and caring way. With intentions of getting back and staying with your partner. I know it all depends on if both parties are ready to do the work and self improve. And how self aware both people are. But as a general rule it would be fun videos to watch.
my partner and i are both FAs. We started breaking up after about 6 months of dating and kept breaking up every other month. Its such a weird dynamic between the two of us. I get overly anxious sometimes and he gets distant when i want affection and vice versa. Everytime we break up one of us ends up contacting the other and the reunion is always so emotional and sweet. Makes us feel like it will be a new beginning but it always ends up in the same bad breakup. Its been nearly 2 years now and I feel completely exhausted of this cat and mouse game. He doesn't seem to listen when I express my emotions but doesn't want to leave me. I might just go silent forever without giving him further explanations for the sake of my sanity.
Emphatically understand the traits of an avoidant. Emphatically understand him. They are more hurting and sensitive. They don’t want to be this way but they can’t help it. If you are not emphatically love him who will ?
I am an FA in a long term (18 year) relationship with an anxious type. We have been repeating the cycle for a long time and have always cared for each other. For a long time we both have been trying to cope, analyze, and take counseling to an unsatisfactory conclusion. About 3 months ago we agreed to go no contact in an effort to end our suffering. Personally, this is killing me. I am experiencing new pain from realizing what I have finallly lost what may be forever. I am ready to go all in. I am not sure how, but hope youi can counsel me on what course or advice to take up? Don't know how to convince her at this point to give it a shot, but I have to try. I want to start working on a proposal to her to make herr take me seriously.
Hi! It's an 18 year relationship - she already takes you very, very seriously. They chose to invest a huge period of their life in spending it with you :) The only advice I ca give it - always try and analyse your own behaviour and emotions, moreso than over those of your partner. The fears and anxieties are in you, not them. And be perfectly honest at all times. If you do this, then whatever happens at least happens based on truth. Goodluck!
Oof, too familiar. After 3 years of suffering, I also finally broke up with my anxious partner. After 4 months, I finally had the space to develop appreciation for her that I couldn't while I constantly felt attacked, and reflected on all I had learned and was ready to work. Write a letter, explain what you did wrong and what you're going to commit to, and explain why it'll really be different. The world cannot contain the grief I feel. We were basically starting stage 4 for me, and she suddenly found someone and cut me off.
Problem I find is, the avoidant feels this way after 4-6 months no contact, it hits them REALLY hard and it's excruciating. However once you're back together the cycle repeats, and that yearning you felt during NC is gone again. So I support you, but that feeling you felt is also a part of the cycle/attachment. Ask yourself if you want this and how hard you're willing to strive for happiness and security. Please do the work for you and not anyone else. Good luck, you got this.
@@kylaszone It can repeat, if you don't both commit to doing the work. It is key for the avoidant to learn he also has a problem. DA is the most likely to incorrectly self-diagnose as securely attached. It feels like we're amazing at reasonable self-regulation, and it's hard to believe something is wrong with that. All the 'feeling stuff' feels like it just doesn't apply to us. I highly recommend showing some stuff by Heidi Priebe, this is what finally broke through to me. The last time my FA and I got together, I thought we were fine and didn't need therapy, and then it got bad and then I didn't want therapy again. I also had a hard time believing therapy can work--it seemed aimless. Learning about attachment styles makes it not seem aimless and makes me excited about doing therapy. Sadly, I realized all of this too late. She has moved on. I'm left doing the work alone. But it doesn't have to be hopeless. DAs can heal, too. You just have to speak their language.
I always hear and see in videos that the "creature comforts" of the FA are playing video games, watching movies, eating a lot... but in the videos they never say "going out with other people and kissing them or having sex with them" why? I understand they do it a lot mainly to numb their thoughts and pain.
I broke up with my FA ex of 9 years for stonewalling (my boundary) and did NC for 2.5 months. He reached out with a courtesy text to say he was cancelling my car insurance from his group plan. I responded in a friendly manner, and we have been texting since then about neutral things but always initiated by me for a concrete reason. On a whim, I called him the other day, he answered, the conversation was warm, so I broached the subject of why he had stonewalled me... Gotta run! Let's talk another time... Stonewalled me again!!... I am done with the bullshit... he can do the work from now on if he wants to speak to me again. These folks can be well worth the trouble, but only up to a certain point.
My old flame & I are both FA. I'm implementing NC on him both out of respect for his choice to end things & for myself. Yes, I also hope I'll one day hear from him, the breakup coaches I follow teach dumpees need to stay in indefinite NC for many reasons, the main one being decency. I call tell you my experience with it; It's been healing, but also difficult. I go numb & deactivated for weeks at a time due to his silence & it triggering my abandonment & neglect wounds. I had no closure either so that amplifies it. I'm also stubborn & determined to stick this out though if I haven't heard in a few years I'll consider writing a final goodbye for some closure as I didn't get to say that at the breakup. I recommend seeing a trauma specialist if you're in NC to work on the wounds this will inflame.
Around the 2-4 week marks I do start to ruminate. Every time I think I’m done with them but then I hit a wall and either I reach out or this DA does. Ugh. 3 years.
why do u leave? just accept yourself and work on it together. there isnt a lot of people in life u can 'choose' from. and want to work on it. most are aholes and will use u
Sooo true. Cracked me up when she said "fa's are all about this stuff". talking about it.. having in depth conversation. Love it! I try, da wife.... not havn it😅.
Yeah, I agree...in my experience FA's don't want to talk about it; if they return they'd rather paper it over and hope for the best going forward. that's part of the "avoidance". In the end you'll have to recognize this and make the choice for yourself, as I have.
@@Brian.Murphy They don't want to talk about because they will never admit any of it was their fault - when it clearly was. Egoism? Narcisism? A bit of both...
@@harry-james-books - that's exactly true. From my perspective it seems they just magically wish it all away...assuming that if it's not talked about, it's magically solved! That must be an incredibly hard mental position to hold, as there's nothing real to hold onto - it's purely self-delusion. Not something I'd ever choose, which suggests that FAs have a really hard path to becoming secure.
@@Brian.Murphy They are the ultimate control freaks. If you want one to disappear on you, make it plain you're not putting up with their bullsht any longer. They'll be gone within hours and their drawbridge will be pulled up, never to be lowered again. They honestly don't know the meaning of the words love or empathy - it's their way, or no way.
If you can identify that someone is DA - the sooner the better. After that - it is not worth costing years of your life and potentially damaging you. If you can surgically approach a relationship with this attachment style - best of luck. Try to not fall for them and keep your distance
@@CeeP211 Well update: Our work place got destroyed by a tornado a couple months ago. So now we really are separated. Now I have real "No Contact" with her.
The mixed signals are because they are also confused about their feelings. Sometimes non-violent communication can be helpful to make a safe space to talk about things, but other times no contact may be the best option to give them chance to feel the impact of the break up.
I’ve been in NC for 3 weeks with my partner who broke up with me (2 yrs together). I’m now realizing she was an FA and I had triggered her attachment style as I’m a AA. She said she felt she wasn’t good enough for me, was not trusting me (I was faithful but she didn’t believe me) and was searching for reasons to pull away. She was very hot and cold. The question is do I maintain NC until she reaches out to me (how ever long that takes)? We really loved each other so this is devastating.
Wait it out. My FA came back to me first time 2 months after NC and second time 5 months after NC. If you feel that's what you want. They might rebound with someone else. It can be quite a long wait and a hurtful one.
Dont wait. Never date FA. You will only get depression in the end. You think that she loved you. If you love someone you dont pull away from them. FA do NOT know what is love. All they have is NEEDS and only their own needs, it is not love.
@@veral2274 Hey scrolling through comments. My ex is also probably FA, we tried reconnecting, but i pressured him and he ran away saying he needs space and he is not sure if he wants to be with me. Your ex still came back twice?
My wife is avoidant and we don’t live together. I asked her how she felt about my moving in with her and she said she didn’t know. I said if we can’t live together and be a family with our kids and keep letting people come between us, then we might as well not be married. She started crying and wouldn’t take other than to say that she needs time. I told her I didn’t mean divorce and explained how much I love her and that I was sorry for inadvertently hurting her. She said she still needs time, so I’m now in no-contact and hoping for the best.
I was married to an FA for 8 years and recently separated. He says he wants a divorce, yet he stalks my social media, reads my texts but doesn't respond mos of the time... What is going on here
How often does a FA want to text (i’m AP) when in the process of reconnecting/getting back together? Me and my fa ex did no contact for around 7 months and just recently rekindled a few weeks ago. It’s hard because i want to text him everyday (not a lot everyday but at least once a day to check in), but there will be periods of time for like 2-3 days where he just completely ignores me. This usually happens after we hang out like we will hang out and have a great time and then for the next few days he won’t text me at all. Is this normal? Does he just need space to process what’s going on? Is he withdrawing/deactivating after we hang out because he’s scared of the emotional connection that just happened? Please help lol
I think all of the suggestions you had might be playing a part. I am FA and when reconnecting after a while with someone I need to go slow and steady. I wouldn't text every day but can see how hard it can be on you. But if you want to move forward try to keep back little bit. Just know he is coming, otherwise he wouldn't be there keeping this conversation ❤
This probably depends on how anxious/avoidant leaning they are, and how your relationship ended in the first place. I’m a more anxious-leaning FA, and if I’m truly interested in reconnecting romantically with someone, I’m pretty consistent in texting. If not, I generally will not initiate new conversations, but will engage when they are initiated. But I also am clear about whether or not I’m interested in anything if asked. If your FA leans avoidant, it may be a different story.
Also, I think the thing with FA’s more so than DA’s is that they are willing to have an honest conversation with you about how they feel if you are able to be vulnerable enough to ask, because transparency is quite important to us, but it has to be mutual.
@lorylovesmakeup2 - This is actually an excellent topic to raise with him. Let him know how it makes you feel when you don't get a text/response (keep it on you, not on him for 'not doing something') and why you'd like to get a timelier response (ex: it's reassuring to you) - then let him respond. Once you both know how each other feels about it, you can discuss a strategy to make that work. For example, if you understand he just needs a little space for himself, but he's still interested in making it work, you'll find that reassuring; if he understands when you reach out that a simple response that he doesn't have to think too much about (if that works for you) will make you happy, then you have a compromise :) But, if you don't have that discussion and you both rely on trying to 'feel your way through it', it can lead to misinterpretation/tension that builds up on both sides and hurts the relationship. Have a caring and understanding talk instead where you can both express your needs :)
The question is, does this period of no contact mean that they've actually reflected on their attachment and behavior or are they just going through a perpetual cycle? That seems to be the key to whether at the end of this cycle a healthier relationship is possible. I'm also curious whether your analysis considers the prospect and impact of rebounds as my understanding is that it's common for FAs to enter into rebound relationships precisely to avoid having to feel things after they breakup and enter into no contact. Surely that messes with this cycle?
My ex was abandoned as a child, had one abusive relationship after another, she warned me in advance when we started dating that if she feels close to someone she is known for going away and 'hiding'. Two weeks ago she had a meltdown, lots ex's harrassing her, we were getting close and talking about futures together, then she messaged me saying how she sees our souls intwined in the stars , how she loves me, how she longs to be mine and cherish my heart. BUT that right now she needs to 'go away and either re-invent herself or wither away' and she needs to go 'into hiding ' she told me I was the most important person in the world to her , then she BLOCKED me! .. I am so confused. All her socials have gone offline ,(I had a friend look) it's like she's disappeared. It's been 14 days now and I haven't heard from her. Should I try and contact her? Offer support? How long should I wait? The way we spoke last really didn't feel like the problem was us.
FAs can only be happy in a relationship the day they understand their own needs and meet someone who fully meet those needs. Then when they meet that special someone who fulfills all of their needs, FAs want to run away, again, because now theyre bored and they're suffocating 🤣 who can relate? #me
I don't know if she is DA of FA or whatever but since we had some intimacy few weeks ago we just argue as she always starts something. Yesterday was so odd. We went shops and she was happy and loving and held hands then we went out to eat and she changed and started arguing rest of eve and saying we not good together and putting me down. I'm not perfect but I did not say anything to start an argument. It's now affecting me . Don't know what's best to do. She is going away for 7 days so maybe best to wait till after that.
Do we have the discussion when an FA reaches out saying they want to get back or should that be lead up to after building some rapport leading to that discussion of what went wrong to overcome together?
Your explanation of dismissive avoidant is so beneficial especially when I was anxious with anxiety. The thing I wanted to ask you was already through with the kids they’re 19 and 22 years old and 19 has ADH and a 22-year-old girl has anxiety and runs the show. How does that affect the situation?
Marriages with kids get destroyed after many years because people take the other one for granted and lose appreciation and gratitude. Or they stay stuck in miserable marriage because of trauma bonding and kids where they don't even sleep on the same bed together. So, please, don't take long-term relationships as criteria for someone to go back to after no contract...
Hey Thais, have you ever made a video on how a controlling, overbearing, or helicopter parent affects the FA relationship dynamic? My now-ex has a weird dynamic with her mother even though she is in her early mid-20s, and would love to hear your opinion on this
YES my ex mother got her baby boy back after a brain injury, she is extremely controlling and overbearing. She put me in a no win situation to lay into me in a nasty uncalled for way. I was told I was no longer welcome and I had no other way to see my bf. Two weeks later he became cold and distant and barely spoke to me. Treated me like I no longer exsist. I would also be interested to hear about this!
She sent me 3 messages in about 10 days after saying she just wanted to be friends. Problem is two messages were memes, and the 3rd one was a link to a show she thought I’d like. I replied to the first message courteously (replied the next day) as it was very soon after we agreed to go our separate ways. I also want to stress that I did say she could reach out with funny memes etc as a way of remaining civil/not wanting to lose her completely. Probably a bad move but it happened. Anyway, she then sent me a 2nd message a few days later about the show she thought I’d like, I hearted the message 24 hours later. Nothing more. Finally, about a week later she messaged me a 3rd time with a meme, I read it but didn’t reply/acknowledge it. That was about 8 days ago. Our last texts between us was about 3 weeks+ ago. I haven’t reached out once. Also, she never uses WhatsApp besides speaking to me, but I’ve noticed she’s been online quite frequently (two to three times a week) which makes me think she’s reading our conversations again. What should I do here? I do really miss her, she’s a fearful avoidant attachment style and part of me thinks that me ignoring her last message might not have been the best idea, however as I’ve read on other videos isn’t it best to only reply properly if they reach out with a message of significance, rather than something like a meme or video link? I’m confused and ultimately don’t want to lose her completely, but want to remain strong and do no contact. Any thoughts or opinions are really most welcome here.
Its so hard but i think your doing the right thing. Let her miss you, let her FEEL what its like for you to no longer be available to her. Its the only chance you will have to win her back. Do go no contact. That includes not reacting to a meme or liking a post on social media etc. Its the only way to make her really think twice and miss you. All you best.
Honestly? Just move on. She’s sending dumb stuff just to see if you’re still on the hook and will react in a positive fashion. If you do then they know the cycle can begin again. It’s for their own selfish gain to keep repeating the cycle just to feel that honeymoon high and that honeymoon breakup low. Don’t be a toy she can play with until she starts to have feelings and then breaks your heart. Again. Just don’t.
I have similar situation. He said in the breakup text he just wanted to stay friend, then text me 3 times in a span of 2 weeks. After the 3 rd times I told him don’t need to reach out to me anymore, in the future if he wants to work on things we can reconnect, he didn’t respond after that. It has been a week since then. Every time I receive his text, I have some hope and it hinders my progress a lot, so even though it hurts like hell, I think this is for the best. They usually reach out just to not feel guilty and reduce their own pain. they cannot understand how much that hurt us
I'm an FA leaning anxious and my partner is DA with lot of secure patterns. Started the no-contact 3-4 weeks ago, and today, I had a weak moment and texted them. We broke up due to long-distance and not being able to solve the distance and start building our life together. Towards the end of our relationship, we fought every day and I criticized them about every little thing. Now when I look back at it, I feel ashamed for my actions. I found fault in everything they did and caused a scene from that. My DA partner got more and more shut down, and expressed to me many times how they were trying their best and felt like nothing was enough for me. Now I blame myself for causing so much emotional turmoil in the relationship. My ex partner was patient, understanding, forgiving and loving. I miss them so much. They have not answered my message and maybe they won't do it. I feel like I lost the love of my life.
Would love to hear Thais and her husband maybe provide some guidance on what it was like, what was helpful, etc. to healing their FA/DA relationship to where it felt safe for both to make a long-term commitment.
My understanding is that avoidants just push you out of their lives while narcissists will keep you around in order to continue getting what they want from you. But they will ditch you like an avoidant when you wake up to their manipulation.
Ummm 🤔 love shouldn’t be so hard so I think I’d rather just be alone because this is ridiculous, I’ll NEVER EVER , try to get back with my avoidant x he just isn’t worth this trouble
My experience with my ex's timeframe post-breakup has been pretty weird. I knew something was up fro a couple weeks, but she was going through a lot so it felt normal, but i shoudlve trusted my gut feeling. She broke up with me a month ago now. 2 weeks after not talking, we decided to meet to make things clear about what happenned and whats next. Productive discussion where all the usual "we can still be friends and meet sometimes", "you have all i want in a BF but i need time alone and for myself" blablabla. A week later she starts a new relationship with a guy she just met... I was suspicious that it might happen, but im still processing it. She's all over the place and its just fueling my rage of showing her what shes decided to ditch for essentially, not sharing her needs and wants with me, even tho i was very open to any kind of discussions. No Contact it is yall
What if my FA husband of 11yrs is in a limerence affair for the last 18 months? Found out when I was 3 months pregnant with our second child... I'm at a loss what to do.
I’m AP currently in NC after my FA ex bf of 3 years dumped me 8 weeks ago. I started NC the same day and haven’t reached out since. I’m hoping he’ll be back to work on the relationship but it’s not looking good and I’m exhausted.
@@Suze-d1dI want to reach out as well, I’m in week 4 of no contact, he’s started to date again, should I reach out before he finds a new girlfriend or wait till he realizes the grass is greener on the other side ?
Why would my FA ex contact me after 2 months talking about how her depression got much better and she was feeling more connected to herself to then stop replying?
This helps to understand where the FA is mentally when there is a breakup & the ex potentially wants to reconnect, but, what about the other side of that when an ex goes no contact & doesn’t want to reconnect. How can someone help the FA accept that the relationship being over? I’ve found ignoring their attempts to reconnect only makes them more eager to reach you. It’s scary.
I do not see the folliwing problem addressed in these videos: when anxious attachment person wants to give but is rejected. I'm certainly not the only one feeling that. Guys, try radical acceptance. That's a real solution.
The problem I'm having is that I was in a relationship with her for 6 months. I'm near to an anxious attachment style while she's a DA. She broke up with her Ex, who she had for 6 years, but he end up living in their both bought house until august where we already knew each other and fell in love. After he moved out I felt like she was almost everyday depressed or not in a good mood. Avoided speaking about it, but distanced herself everyday until I decided to end it 2 weeks ago after she said she wants a "Pause" to think about what she really wants, but I couldn't handle it. I thought that she might switch her thinking about her Ex, what could've been and so on. So She as an avoidant got all those feelings about an ex, while beeing in a new relationship with me and I really didnt know what to do. We avoided contact for 16 days now, but we have each others things like clothing. When is the right time to reach out to that person to not only get my stuff back, but also talk about some things I wish we talked out on the day I left her on the telephone. This is not to reach out and beg her to take me back or something, but this was not how I wanted to end it.
I told my ex that I wanted to go NC before I knew what NC actually was, does this mean I messed up? I did let him know what my values were, commitment etc before I said I think we shouldn't contact each other anymore unless there was a conversation about the future.
I am in a situation where we both really hurt each others feelings and trust after an unresolved argument. We where dating for 6 months .We are un no contact since 3days . I want to reconnect with my fearful avoidant but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, to rush things, but I really want to reconnect and apologize and trying to makes things better . I really don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to appear clingy…
Hi there. I believe my wife of 17yrs, not ex yet but close, meets all the criteria here. My biggest concern about separating for a while is not just our 4 kids (8-15yo) but that she’ll enjoy it too much and believe it’s because I’m not there! And then it WILL be over! Any advice? Cheers
Point #2 really helped me out. However she hurt me too much for me to consider a relationship with her again. But I'd still want to be friends and I tried making things right. And I got this ambivalent response. Really confused me. After yesterday I went no contact. I'm trying to forget her now. Or got over it. And I was also trying to figure out what would help her. So now I know. Just never contact her again. Either way. She will talk to me again or not. It's best for me and best for her.
Just forget her. Everytime she came back my peace of mind would be ruined again and she wouldn't appreciate how hard I tried for her. Everything I do is taken in a negative way
@@kylel4971 yes it's the right move going forward. She's checked in on me a few times since but when I'd ask her back how she is doing just no reply at all. I guess she thinks I want to hear how she is not doing well(schadenfreude) but in reality I'm actually interested. She sadly has not been doing well as far as I know and I have been doing pretty well. I straight up told her this and no reply, then I blocked her. I can't do anything right in her eyes and looking back when we were dating that was true then as well. She'd mostly focus on negatives of our 'relationship'. It's simply no way to move forward. I think people like this aren't worth our effort no matter how nice they seem to be at first
Question: my ex broke up with me in the night out of nowhere. After one day I went into no contact (with out knowing that it’s a “tactic” I did it just for me) after two weeks I hit her up cause I wanted closure. I instantly felt that she struggled with me not reaching out. In the call then I was really emotional, fought and showed neediness. After the call I heard about that no contact thing and instantly knew that it was the wrong thing hitting her up and showing my heart to her, because now she feels secure that I’m still into her which lets her feel safe. Before she wasn’t cause I was in no contact. Since the call I went into no contact again, is there still a chance that the no contact can activate what was mentioned in the video. So that the power shifts? Actually I don’t want her back, but I want her to feel what she lost and that she is getting aware of how shit broke up was the worst thing she could’ve done. Thank you!
Only thing that’s tricky about this is if you have pets or children together, or other shared assets. We have do, so I’m wondering if just keeping things to a minimum only about the shared asset/pet/child is fine?
Very sorry to hear that. Hope everything works out for you. Sometimes FAs push away people because of fear. Fear to be vulnerable and fear to be truly connected, especially when they have other more important things to do than focusing on the relationship. It seems she still cares and she still has feelings for you. Sounds like she is trying to find evidence for herself. Seeing you moving on with your life may trigger her abandonment feeling (even if she left you first) and help her to move on. Seeing you sad and missing her may have different effects, depending on why she left. It may increase her trust in your love if she left because of fear to connect. It may reinforce her choice if she left because of fear to be stuck. Anyway, hope for the best!
I am an FA and believe me If she watches your stories, she wants you. She just maybe needs little space, some time and finding a way to believe she can trust to open up. She might just need time ❤
@@LenkaSingh-gl2be thank you for your encouragement. I truly hope so, we fought over something minor, she said she wasn’t good enough and dumped me. I had no Ill feelings towards her at all. I hope she gets over her stubbornness and pride and forgives herself, because I already do.
I think they do feel very deeply, but the anxiety out-weighs expressing feelings. Empathy is probably harder b/c they are consumed with their own thoughts which provides little space for other's feelings.
Update lol. We got back together, everything was going well, we were communicating more, then I told an "insensitive" joke, then she stonewalled me for 4 days and broke up with me. Turns out, it wasn't even over the joke, but about all of the same problems from before.
Once they start missing you they won’t reach out it’ll have to be you to do that. Any FA’s here can you tell me if this is true. I’m currently 7 months into the breakup I have reached out once a month in this time but haven’t received any response and rejection. I’ve been doing some intense inner work and been totally by myself building myself. What should I do. Thank you.
I'm not a Fa but my ex is most likely, the first time he broke up with me 2 years ago, he reached out 17 days after I finally told him that I was okay with the decision he made (before that I was chasing him and sending him constant texts), then he breadcrumb me until 6 month ago when we had a big fight, I kept sending messages every month and he finally replied to me when I told him I want to move on. He said I should be moving on to be happy but also doesn't seem comfortable with us never talking again. So, in my opinion, until they realize they have lost us, they will not reply at all. I did tell him he will always be safe with me and I'm here for him if he needs me but I'm taking back control of my life and leaving. I don't know how it's gonna go but I think it's the way to go. He needs to realize he's not in control anymore. IMO you could reach out to her again but only after you made sure there is enough time passed so she will feel like something has changed, when the fear of losing you will start to rise inside her. Hope it helps.
What are the reasons for a fearful avoidant want to keep a friendship? To the point they say they want to send me a birthday gift... They broke things only 2 weeks ago
I'm FA and got stonewalled by someone I had dated for a short time. We really really hit it off and things felt soo right, until they suddenly didn't. I still don't know what happened. I don't know how to move on now, too filled with unanswered questions
Okay so my ex is an avoidant and I am an anxious attach girlie and HE broke up with me and we haven’t spoken since (6 weeks) So since an avoidant broke up with the anxious and wanted no contact…does this mean I will die alone lol
Yes, you'll lie alone in your coffin, 100%! The secret to being secure, is to know that alone is fine, you can have life companions thag come or go, only they know their path. Your job is to love and communicate boundaries. And for some reason, after settling on this knowledge, people tend to stay in your life....
My conscious knows that we won't, my subconscious trying to run that otherwise. My conscious is constantly trying to convince subconscious that this won't happen. I really hope this battle ends soon because I am going crazy 🤪 🙏 😪
@@thiacari that was such a loving and thoughtful response. Thank you so much for that reminder, clearly I needed it. I miss my avoidant ex, but TLC raised me to not chase nothin’ baby
This was great info but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes the poor avoiding is pushing away from the relationship because of the feelings and being too close with their partner and the fact that they need outside validation so when you separated from your partner and they’re looking for something lighthearted and easy that still gives them the outside validation they start to seek someone else? A relationship that’s more safe because they don’t have developed feelings for them. how do you navigate that?
Depends what you want, if you want them back just unfrien/unfollow , if you block them they will just move on superfast , if you dont want them to see, be friends etc just block and move on
i rtypical no contact is 3 weeks if temporary my gf wanted a temporary break the space did help i realized how overbearing i was untrusting i was but at the same time i saw my gf redditt talking to a bunch people about sexual things and it made me really upset i wish i would have handled everything better
My ex is a fearful avoidant we broke up over 2 months ago. She reached out after 30 days of no contact and has been hot and cold sense. We actually hooked up two weeks ago and she was very hot the week after hooking up. Initiating text. I think I texted too much back and forth last weekend now she has gone cold again. I am know one week no contact again.
I joined. I've done most of the Break up course, and begone some others. I've been feeling better and more confident. Today is his Birthday. Yesterday I broke my no contact. I feel terrible today. I know I need to restart my nocontact, and do more work self love, but how can I determine the damage that the contact has caused so I can address it?
Anybody who is trying do get back fearfull avoidant or dissmissive avoidant i have a precious advice: DON'T DO IT! Please don't. You will be dumped again. Theese people don't change. I made that mistake and i let her to come back. After a wonderfull year she discarded me like a trash without any reason. Sorry. She gave me her ridicolous, absurd "reasons" created in her sick head... They are absolutely fucked up people
Exactly, mine FA told me I ruined her financialy and that she even cant effort food. While she is just partying , enjoying life and in a rebound relationship :D
I am currently in week three no contact with my ex and a gift I had ordered for him before the break up I saw was delivered to him this week. Do I need to start over?
Please let us know what you thought of today's video! comment below :)
I'm looking through your channel about "no contact" and I don't see any videos on the topic of when "no contact" is actually the healthiest option for a person. Maybe this message is briefly touched on in several, but I think it's a powerful topic.
I'm healing from narcissistic abuse. If a person you were close to took advantage of your empathy, you're allowed to stop offering them empathy without it making you a lesser person. It's important to pay attention to people who strive to be better and those who future fake. It only takes one person to break a cycle.
click this link to see the videos on no contact. The first 8 or so are on the topic:
www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool/search?query=contact@@champe0n61
I am smack in the middle of a breakup with an FA (after a very short intense relationship) and your videos have been unbelievably informative in helping me to understand what he is feeling and going through. I am so grateful!
I am working on my own feelings and challenges but I think it has really been refreshing and valuable to him that I have some idea of what he needs and what he is going through. All thanks to you Thais!
He is someone I really care about and see a future with and being able to use your insights to heal our relationship is so wonderful.
@champe0n61 I'm sorry your going through the process if narcissric abuse. I've been there before and it's not fun. You will never figure them out and why they acted this way towards you. And please don't feel isolated l, they treat everyone this way and where the mask daily to fool coworkers and the general public. I know you will make it through. Work with a therapist that is specialized in this area to help you understand the dynamics to help with your healing journey. Sending you strength and love ❤
@@mistresscreativ I was with a great guy and we had not even a cross word in two months. One morning, I did not get the typical morning text. Within 36 hours, he sent me a confusing text saying that we needed to talk and added "I am so sorry". I never heard from him again. I have not contacted him since. He is a good guy and I was blindsided by the end of our short 2 month exclusive (?) relationship. I would like to explore a relationship as he seemed like a good guy. How are you processing?
I spent 5 years with a FA partner. As much as you want to help and be there for them, they need to figure out for themselves. I had to walk away because they were not emotionally available, and I wanted that.
Not me binge watching this channel with a glass of wine…
Chileee 😂😂
Oh damn I’m not alone hahah
Girrrrl YES!! We learnin’ today so we can save our asses tomorrow!! Lol
Same here!!!
me: I don't need sleep, I need answers
My ex is a fearful avoidant this is the 7th week of no contact am giving him space he will think he's an astronaut
Its your ex, why would u talk to them?
Did your ex ever reach out to you???
This comment is 😂
@@LittleBlackBook91Right?!😅 I'm so using this comment to refer to what's happening between my avoidant and I lol
He's out sitting on a new rocket 😂
My FA ex who i still love very much reached out to me yesterday after i went NC after the breakup. She expressed wanting to be friends and that she was checking in.
I almost didn't respond because i've been progressing through the grieving process. Im still processing and hurt by her decision to end the relationship. I responded out of respect and told her i respect and care about her, but we need time and space to heal and process. I also mentioned it also serves to allow me to honor her decision to end our relationship and gives me room to do the work to progress into a happier and healthier version of myself. I expressed that i hope shes feeling less depressed and overwhelmed and wished her the best.
A very difficult relationship/breakup, but so good in many ways. I miss her.
I hope she figures it out, but i dont see how she could be emotionally ready to be friends with me after 1 week of ending our relationship.
They compartmentalise their emotions, convince themselves it wasn't right to justify their decision so it's easy for them to be friends because they can so easily detach. It doesn't make sense, I agree, but we're not avoidant so it won't. They also don't want to be seen as the villain so the friends offer is for them to feel less guilty and portray compassion, to keep you in their life without the commitment of the relationship, which is selfish and lacks empathy for the person they dumped. I got the same offer.
@sagovana due to recent developments, my feeling is that her offer of friends was partly due to relieving guilt and partly due to her wanting to keep me around. So glad I moved on when I did or maybe I'd still be stuck in indecision and regret like she seems to be. She clearly has some negative feelings and confusion surrounding me simply honoring her decision to end things. Despite it being her choice, I think she expected me to wait around for her or something. I'm in a happy/healthy relationship now with someone amazing who respects me and knows what they want.
@@cornholiusmy gf just broke up with me a week and a half ago, I’m FA and she is AA. I bought this women’s course and it is well worth the money. For me, it was the harsh realization that all of my relationships end the exact same way. I’m really motivated to do the work regardless of whether I get her back or not.
@@sagovana exactly! They just want to get rid of the guilt. Another selfish behaviour. It's all about themselves all the time.
@@cornholiusI’m so happy for you !
Securely attached person here: one chance and done.
i wish to be like that...gave too many chances
Yeah, I’m looking at a 11 year friendship with sudden recent romantic overtones getting flushed because I pointed out his behavior and he’s gone radio silent. Ages of shouldering the emotional burden and this is the thanks I get. Good luck, dude.
I'm grateful to understand these traits and personality type. Broke it off because of lack of connection; she's impetuous, distracted, evasive, and anxious. When she came to terms that it is over, she melted-down and begun the barrage of revenge that paled the numerous other moments of petulant behavior. She cannot be alone; her phone is never out of reach. And, she made blatant displays of an approach toward personal growth, which were obviously in false hope to regain my interest, meanwhile nothing changes. That was my final share of damaged women. Bless them. Good Lord. It is real.
Let the FA sit in their pain until they seek professional help and heal
If you allow them to run the relationship then you will be tied to a person that will never be an emotionally available partner
Don't waste your life on someone that can't really love you
Save yourself
You sooo right, it’s just a sad reality
Amen
Well said!!!
Thanks i needed to be reminded of this. My FA ex basically ran the show not overtly but by controlling emotional intimacy and pulling away. Even after 16 months I noticed we were struggling to maintain a deep connection. I finally broke it off and have gone no contact and blocked because I know she'll eventually reach out. I love her, but I couldn't stand the relationship any longer. I have empathy for FAs but you couldn't pay me enough to sign up to date one again.
@@kzmademe1099, I hear ya! You did the right thing and it is really tough. My relationship was only 6 months but I’m devastated. The last time we were together, I told him gently that I needed for both of us to be able to be vulnerable, honest, and that we could grow. He stared at the ceiling then closed his eyes. Wow. I had my answer. Hang in there. You are the healthy one.
It's so hard trying to figure out what to do. I don't want them to trigger their avoidant side by being too anxious myself, but also don't want to lose them because they think I'm not interested.
I'm in that exact situation. I even asked him if he wanted me to back off and give him space or fight to save the relationship. He honestly didn't know, so I'm trying to find a smart middle ground. No idea if I'm doing it right or not.
Give them their space. They know you're interested. It may not work out, but they will admire your strength.
It says online not to go more than 3-4 weeks for FAs and when u do reach out, give off secure, calm vibes like u care and are there even in distance and giving them space so they feel safe to return. Also keeping the message when u do reach out should not be overemotional but calm, chill and secure but dont shut them out in cutting words
I'm in a similar situation.
Such a gamble. You try so hard and it may mean failure.
I have always wondered, do FA end up alone and lonely in their older years and die alone? Do they think about this? Does it make them fearful? I would think of how I want my retirement years to look like and that made me realise I have to invest in maintaining relationships. And so I decided who I want to grow old with and invest in them (and they reciprocate! ☺️). It’s going well ^^
So yeah, do FA ever have this thought? I would think if they did, they would no be behaving this way?
Open to comments 😊
I usually don't have any of these complications with my dog ! Woof...
I heard something like for people with trauma they often learn how to love with a pet before they can love people and that definitely applies to my dog, Sweetie. I love and trust her more than any man, she's pretty low maintenance, too! 🐶lol
@kelseycoca / dogs are better companions than people. Shalom
Dogs are a man’s best friend after all
Freedom is happiness!!!
My fearful avoidant when I initiated no contact… Went on dating sites asked his friends to set him up and filled his time dating other people. It’s another thing they do like numbing out such as drinking or video games… But you don’t mention that. They can meet someone else who’s not as threatening as you because it’s the beginning stages. I think this is pretty common. At the same time he was doing this he was trying to text me and I did not respond. It’s only been two weeks so I am still in no contact.
Exactly. Numbing by hooking up with other people.
I'm the FA. Gf of 5y broke up withe over my shit. Both calm for the breakup itself, I saw mixed messages, and told her I was also considering a break, because I needed space to adress my bs and finally try a real effort. We talked, she got annoyed, said this isn't temporary and started no contact on me.
Eventually just agreed to respect her wishes, and keep working. Hoping.
I lost my health and IT job pretty much at the same time, so it's been something else.
I'd do anything to get her back, and put in a real effort, but sadly, I'm not going to convince anyone of shit in my current low-value state.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know, not all FAs are ok at the start of a breakup.
The sooner a permanent termination of a connection we actually really cared for, in our dumb ass way, is made painfully obvious, the sooner our anxious side is triggered.
The sooner our "I got this..." natural chaos home turf response flies out the window.
I HAD things, job, health and personal development wise. I had the energy.
I don't anymore. And I can't handle either of them right now.
My avoidant partner did the same EXACT thing. I already anticipated he would do it and she’s only “safe” in the beginning stages of dating just like I was. I didn’t get jealous as much as felt pity for him.. he’s a broken man with a history of short relationships. I hope he wakes up and learns one day. After we developed deeper feelings for each other he started flirting with other women as a deactivation method.
stay single and stay happy
I’ve taken multiple quiz’s that say I’m fearful avoidant but I only pull back and shut down during conflict. When things are good we are very very close.
I’m a FA and I’ve been in a few relationships, not many. I absolutely do not like the feeling of being anxious or out of control so I tend to either keep going along or avoiding relationships all together in order to keep control of that feeling. I have initiated every breakup and I’ve had a no contact situation which I felt I had to do in order to stop feeling crazy in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere. There’s instant relief and then quickly than a week I can cycle to regret, sadness and pain, even anger. I tend to feel that sense of relief intermittently with the feeling of missing them. It’s a faster cycle than what you’ve described.
At what stage would you think you’d be open to hearing from an ex again?
I’m FA (anxious leaning) and my ex is FA (avoidant leaning). We’ve broken up once before and I just stayed no contact until he contacted me 4 months later. Wondering what will happen this time.
Maiyooo. I'm actually in shock because you just explained my past relationships. Also very few.
This describes me so well!
@@dukethecolorsthe same thing that happened last time just faster.
I completely agree. The cycle for me is much much quicker too. Within just a couple of days I go back to wanting the ex back
I am a 71-year-old male and I am just now finding out what is wrong with me. I’ve been doing some research because I’ve been back-and-forth with a relationship several times with a beautiful woman. Not knowing that it was probably me all along that kept leaving and then wanting to come back.also called a relationship cycle if I am correct. It’s so sad because she is a beautiful woman that I will never get back after many back-and-forth break ups. She told me that she is exhausted from all of the back-and-forth.
I honestly think all this content about all these styles and codes just to talk to someone is making everyone so incredibly confused that relationships are just now failing even more.
1. Eat pray love phase
2. Oh sh*t what did I do phase
3. U up? phase
4. Growing up phase
Brilliant!
Mwahahahah!
I think the part of FAs that I STILL can’t make sense of is the duality and contradiction of their words and feelings. For example, I had a situationship with a FA who was VERY clear about keeping it casual and NON exclusive, yet he seemed jealous and insecure when he suspected that I was seeing someone else??? He was also VERY clear about not wanting marriage or children, EVER, but would get offended when I’d say things like ‘when I get married, one day’. I ended things with him because ultimately we kept triggering each other. He’d shut down & deactivate on me for reasons I could never understand and he never explained and that would trigger my abandonment wound. I suspect I triggered him with my comments about marrying someone else one day or because he suspected I was dating someone else even though he had been very firm and clear that this was an open-situationship. This was almost a year ago. He sometimes reaches out. But I ignore him because it’s triggering. But I’ll never understand it. Any insight is welcome
To me as an FA I absolutely understand his behaviour. He does want to go very slow but sure hence he at the beginning really wants only a casual relationship only but as the feelings and connection grows if he really feels it he know he is falling hard and knows he secretly hopes it will progress further. When you the act too aloof you trigger his wound of not being secure, he gets scared that his feelings are not going to be reciprocated and that you leave at some point and starts that crazy push- pull, in-out, hot-cold cycle :(
@@LenkaSingh-gl2bethank you for this. It’s helpful to hear from an FA perspective
I was in a similar situation with a FA who wanted to keep the FWB that "she" had but would be mortally upset if I was sleeping with other women. She then had the nerve to complain about the insecurities this situation inevitably created in me.
@@AG-bx1cc absolute madness. I’ve noticed that at their core a lot of FAs just don’t know who and what they what because they don’t trust people or themselves. So they like having multiple options whilst they figure out who they can trust / what they want. I could be wrong, but that’s how it comes across.
@@Juniperberrie25 It was so maddening as she'd describe the relationship as ticking boxes that no other relationship had ever ticked for her, yet simultaneously be loathe to even describe it as a relationship at all and still want the freedom to be with other people whenever she wanted.
I could handle this if she would have at least admitted that this is not great behavior and was working on it, but she seriously thought this was perfectly fine as it was her situation before we got together.
Thais is so knowledgeable. I really appreciate these videos. As a man that got dumped by my avoidant ex that i still love verry much i wish i could see more videos on how likely it is to win back such ex. If its done in a non manipulative and caring way. With intentions of getting back and staying with your partner. I know it all depends on if both parties are ready to do the work and self improve. And how self aware both people are. But as a general rule it would be fun videos to watch.
my partner and i are both FAs. We started breaking up after about 6 months of dating and kept breaking up every other month. Its such a weird dynamic between the two of us. I get overly anxious sometimes and he gets distant when i want affection and vice versa. Everytime we break up one of us ends up contacting the other and the reunion is always so emotional and sweet. Makes us feel like it will be a new beginning but it always ends up in the same bad breakup. Its been nearly 2 years now and I feel completely exhausted of this cat and mouse game. He doesn't seem to listen when I express my emotions but doesn't want to leave me. I might just go silent forever without giving him further explanations for the sake of my sanity.
Did you consider a couple’s therapy or coaching? It might be super healing for both of you ❤
OMG this is EXACTLY my relationship...even the two years part. WOWWWWW
How do you guys end up getting back together each time? Who does the breaking up and who contacts who?
Asking both of you who just posted ha
Emphatically understand the traits of an avoidant. Emphatically understand him. They are more hurting and sensitive. They don’t want to be this way but they can’t help it. If you are not emphatically love him who will ?
I am an FA in a long term (18 year) relationship with an anxious type. We have been repeating the cycle for a long time and have always cared for each other. For a long time we both have been trying to cope, analyze, and take counseling to an unsatisfactory conclusion. About 3 months ago we agreed to go no contact in an effort to end our suffering. Personally, this is killing me. I am experiencing new pain from realizing what I have finallly lost what may be forever.
I am ready to go all in. I am not sure how, but hope youi can counsel me on what course or advice to take up? Don't know how to convince her at this point to give it a shot, but I have to try. I want to start working on a proposal to her to make herr take me seriously.
Hi! It's an 18 year relationship - she already takes you very, very seriously. They chose to invest a huge period of their life in spending it with you :)
The only advice I ca give it - always try and analyse your own behaviour and emotions, moreso than over those of your partner. The fears and anxieties are in you, not them. And be perfectly honest at all times. If you do this, then whatever happens at least happens based on truth. Goodluck!
How did It turned out?
Oof, too familiar. After 3 years of suffering, I also finally broke up with my anxious partner. After 4 months, I finally had the space to develop appreciation for her that I couldn't while I constantly felt attacked, and reflected on all I had learned and was ready to work.
Write a letter, explain what you did wrong and what you're going to commit to, and explain why it'll really be different.
The world cannot contain the grief I feel. We were basically starting stage 4 for me, and she suddenly found someone and cut me off.
Problem I find is, the avoidant feels this way after 4-6 months no contact, it hits them REALLY hard and it's excruciating. However once you're back together the cycle repeats, and that yearning you felt during NC is gone again. So I support you, but that feeling you felt is also a part of the cycle/attachment. Ask yourself if you want this and how hard you're willing to strive for happiness and security. Please do the work for you and not anyone else. Good luck, you got this.
@@kylaszone It can repeat, if you don't both commit to doing the work. It is key for the avoidant to learn he also has a problem.
DA is the most likely to incorrectly self-diagnose as securely attached. It feels like we're amazing at reasonable self-regulation, and it's hard to believe something is wrong with that. All the 'feeling stuff' feels like it just doesn't apply to us.
I highly recommend showing some stuff by Heidi Priebe, this is what finally broke through to me.
The last time my FA and I got together, I thought we were fine and didn't need therapy, and then it got bad and then I didn't want therapy again. I also had a hard time believing therapy can work--it seemed aimless. Learning about attachment styles makes it not seem aimless and makes me excited about doing therapy.
Sadly, I realized all of this too late. She has moved on. I'm left doing the work alone.
But it doesn't have to be hopeless. DAs can heal, too. You just have to speak their language.
I always hear and see in videos that the "creature comforts" of the FA are playing video games, watching movies, eating a lot... but in the videos they never say "going out with other people and kissing them or having sex with them" why? I understand they do it a lot mainly to numb their thoughts and pain.
I broke up with my FA ex of 9 years for stonewalling (my boundary) and did NC for 2.5 months. He reached out with a courtesy text to say he was cancelling my car insurance from his group plan. I responded in a friendly manner, and we have been texting since then about neutral things but always initiated by me for a concrete reason. On a whim, I called him the other day, he answered, the conversation was warm, so I broached the subject of why he had stonewalled me... Gotta run! Let's talk another time... Stonewalled me again!!... I am done with the bullshit... he can do the work from now on if he wants to speak to me again. These folks can be well worth the trouble, but only up to a certain point.
They need therapy, if they don't work on themselves, they will just shut down and disappear again.
Girl, stop! You are still trying to figure it out. Stop!
My old flame & I are both FA. I'm implementing NC on him both out of respect for his choice to end things & for myself. Yes, I also hope I'll one day hear from him, the breakup coaches I follow teach dumpees need to stay in indefinite NC for many reasons, the main one being decency. I call tell you my experience with it;
It's been healing, but also difficult. I go numb & deactivated for weeks at a time due to his silence & it triggering my abandonment & neglect wounds. I had no closure either so that amplifies it. I'm also stubborn & determined to stick this out though if I haven't heard in a few years I'll consider writing a final goodbye for some closure as I didn't get to say that at the breakup. I recommend seeing a trauma specialist if you're in NC to work on the wounds this will inflame.
I feel this. I wish you healing and self discovery. 🙏🏼
@@anon_ya Thank you. God bless 🙌
Have you heard anything?
This is how I feel when I leave a toxic job. Or even with colleagues. I want to run away from them..
Around the 2-4 week marks I do start to ruminate. Every time I think I’m done with them but then I hit a wall and either I reach out or this DA does. Ugh. 3 years.
why do u leave? just accept yourself and work on it together. there isnt a lot of people in life u can 'choose' from. and want to work on it. most are aholes and will use u
Sooo true.
Cracked me up when she said "fa's are all about this stuff". talking about it.. having in depth conversation.
Love it!
I try, da wife.... not havn it😅.
Yeah, I agree...in my experience FA's don't want to talk about it; if they return they'd rather paper it over and hope for the best going forward. that's part of the "avoidance". In the end you'll have to recognize this and make the choice for yourself, as I have.
@@Brian.Murphy They don't want to talk about because they will never admit any of it was their fault - when it clearly was. Egoism? Narcisism? A bit of both...
@@harry-james-books - that's exactly true. From my perspective it seems they just magically wish it all away...assuming that if it's not talked about, it's magically solved! That must be an incredibly hard mental position to hold, as there's nothing real to hold onto - it's purely self-delusion. Not something I'd ever choose, which suggests that FAs have a really hard path to becoming secure.
@@Brian.Murphy They are the ultimate control freaks. If you want one to disappear on you, make it plain you're not putting up with their bullsht any longer. They'll be gone within hours and their drawbridge will be pulled up, never to be lowered again.
They honestly don't know the meaning of the words love or empathy - it's their way, or no way.
If you can identify that someone is DA - the sooner the better. After that - it is not worth costing years of your life and potentially damaging you. If you can surgically approach a relationship with this attachment style - best of luck. Try to not fall for them and keep your distance
The no contact part is what I love best hopefully they keep on not talking to me
I thought I was fearful avoidant, turns out my heart is broken due to betrayal. I just don't trust. Therefore, I avoid.
💯 me too. I'm avoidant this whole time.
Or point #3 is they find another lover. Which mine has done and she has flaunted him in front of me. They seem happy. I'm so sad now.
Don't worry. It won't last.
@@CeeP211 Well update: Our work place got destroyed by a tornado a couple months ago. So now we really are separated. Now I have real "No Contact" with her.
So the first "phase" aka the freedom phase is 3-6 weeks?
How long would you say the entire process usually is on average?
So complicated it’s ridiculous..
It sure feels that way, doesn't it...
And not worth it.
No shit! I'd rather be single
Could you do a video on what to when you have an avoidant ex that is still talking to you and sending mixed signals after breakup?
Agree mine blindsided me then kept texting every day until I went no contact
The mixed signals are because they are also confused about their feelings. Sometimes non-violent communication can be helpful to make a safe space to talk about things, but other times no contact may be the best option to give them chance to feel the impact of the break up.
I’ve been in NC for 3 weeks with my partner who broke up with me (2 yrs together). I’m now realizing she was an FA and I had triggered her attachment style as I’m a AA. She said she felt she wasn’t good enough for me, was not trusting me (I was faithful but she didn’t believe me) and was searching for reasons to pull away. She was very hot and cold. The question is do I maintain NC until she reaches out to me (how ever long that takes)? We really loved each other so this is devastating.
Wait it out. My FA came back to me first time 2 months after NC and second time 5 months after NC. If you feel that's what you want. They might rebound with someone else. It can be quite a long wait and a hurtful one.
@@veral2274 and. they still left?
Dont wait. Never date FA. You will only get depression in the end. You think that she loved you. If you love someone you dont pull away from them. FA do NOT know what is love. All they have is NEEDS and only their own needs, it is not love.
did they come back?
@@veral2274 Hey scrolling through comments. My ex is also probably FA, we tried reconnecting, but i pressured him and he ran away saying he needs space and he is not sure if he wants to be with me. Your ex still came back twice?
My wife is avoidant and we don’t live together. I asked her how she felt about my moving in with her and she said she didn’t know. I said if we can’t live together and be a family with our kids and keep letting people come between us, then we might as well not be married. She started crying and wouldn’t take other than to say that she needs time. I told her I didn’t mean divorce and explained how much I love her and that I was sorry for inadvertently hurting her. She said she still needs time, so I’m now in no-contact and hoping for the best.
tell her to grow the fuck up. we are all adults at some point. get help.
I was married to an FA for 8 years and recently separated. He says he wants a divorce, yet he stalks my social media, reads my texts but doesn't respond mos of the time... What is going on here
He wants to get back to u. But once he does. He gets out again.
How often does a FA want to text (i’m AP) when in the process of reconnecting/getting back together? Me and my fa ex did no contact for around 7 months and just recently rekindled a few weeks ago. It’s hard because i want to text him everyday (not a lot everyday but at least once a day to check in), but there will be periods of time for like 2-3 days where he just completely ignores me. This usually happens after we hang out like we will hang out and have a great time and then for the next few days he won’t text me at all. Is this normal? Does he just need space to process what’s going on? Is he withdrawing/deactivating after we hang out because he’s scared of the emotional connection that just happened? Please help lol
I think all of the suggestions you had might be playing a part. I am FA and when reconnecting after a while with someone I need to go slow and steady. I wouldn't text every day but can see how hard it can be on you. But if you want to move forward try to keep back little bit. Just know he is coming, otherwise he wouldn't be there keeping this conversation ❤
This probably depends on how anxious/avoidant leaning they are, and how your relationship ended in the first place. I’m a more anxious-leaning FA, and if I’m truly interested in reconnecting romantically with someone, I’m pretty consistent in texting. If not, I generally will not initiate new conversations, but will engage when they are initiated. But I also am clear about whether or not I’m interested in anything if asked. If your FA leans avoidant, it may be a different story.
Also, I think the thing with FA’s more so than DA’s is that they are willing to have an honest conversation with you about how they feel if you are able to be vulnerable enough to ask, because transparency is quite important to us, but it has to be mutual.
How sure are you that he is FA and not DA?
@lorylovesmakeup2 - This is actually an excellent topic to raise with him. Let him know how it makes you feel when you don't get a text/response (keep it on you, not on him for 'not doing something') and why you'd like to get a timelier response (ex: it's reassuring to you) - then let him respond. Once you both know how each other feels about it, you can discuss a strategy to make that work.
For example, if you understand he just needs a little space for himself, but he's still interested in making it work, you'll find that reassuring; if he understands when you reach out that a simple response that he doesn't have to think too much about (if that works for you) will make you happy, then you have a compromise :)
But, if you don't have that discussion and you both rely on trying to 'feel your way through it', it can lead to misinterpretation/tension that builds up on both sides and hurts the relationship. Have a caring and understanding talk instead where you can both express your needs :)
The question is, does this period of no contact mean that they've actually reflected on their attachment and behavior or are they just going through a perpetual cycle? That seems to be the key to whether at the end of this cycle a healthier relationship is possible.
I'm also curious whether your analysis considers the prospect and impact of rebounds as my understanding is that it's common for FAs to enter into rebound relationships precisely to avoid having to feel things after they breakup and enter into no contact. Surely that messes with this cycle?
My ex was abandoned as a child, had one abusive relationship after another, she warned me in advance when we started dating that if she feels close to someone she is known for going away and 'hiding'. Two weeks ago she had a meltdown, lots ex's harrassing her, we were getting close and talking about futures together, then she messaged me saying how she sees our souls intwined in the stars , how she loves me, how she longs to be mine and cherish my heart. BUT that right now she needs to 'go away and either re-invent herself or wither away' and she needs to go 'into hiding ' she told me I was the most important person in the world to her , then she BLOCKED me! .. I am so confused. All her socials have gone offline ,(I had a friend look) it's like she's disappeared. It's been 14 days now and I haven't heard from her. Should I try and contact her? Offer support? How long should I wait? The way we spoke last really didn't feel like the problem was us.
This sounds like it’s a lot deeper than a problem of attachment style and may point to other mental illnesses
FAs can only be happy in a relationship the day they understand their own needs and meet someone who fully meet those needs. Then when they meet that special someone who fulfills all of their needs, FAs want to run away, again, because now theyre bored and they're suffocating 🤣 who can relate? #me
Bahahaha
Me. You can't win, really.
😂😂😂
I don't know if she is DA of FA or whatever but since we had some intimacy few weeks ago we just argue as she always starts something. Yesterday was so odd. We went shops and she was happy and loving and held hands then we went out to eat and she changed and started arguing rest of eve and saying we not good together and putting me down. I'm not perfect but I did not say anything to start an argument. It's now affecting me . Don't know what's best to do. She is going away for 7 days so maybe best to wait till after that.
Dude, she likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. Run....
Leave. You deserve better. Clue her into the whole relationship attachment theory stuff and exit stage left.
Do we have the discussion when an FA reaches out saying they want to get back or should that be lead up to after building some rapport leading to that discussion of what went wrong to overcome together?
I think probably dont overwhelm them right away and give off calm, understanding vibes. U can build up and talk about things slowly after
A nightmare.
Your explanation of dismissive avoidant is so beneficial especially when I was anxious with anxiety. The thing I wanted to ask you was already through with the kids they’re 19 and 22 years old and 19 has ADH and a 22-year-old girl has anxiety and runs the show. How does that affect the situation?
I loved the explanation of the stages!
Marriages with kids get destroyed after many years because people take the other one for granted and lose appreciation and gratitude.
Or they stay stuck in miserable marriage because of trauma bonding and kids where they don't even sleep on the same bed together.
So, please, don't take long-term relationships as criteria for someone to go back to after no contract...
Hey Thais, have you ever made a video on how a controlling, overbearing, or helicopter parent affects the FA relationship dynamic? My now-ex has a weird dynamic with her mother even though she is in her early mid-20s, and would love to hear your opinion on this
Sounds a bit like a narcissist mother to me.
YES my ex mother got her baby boy back after a brain injury, she is extremely controlling and overbearing. She put me in a no win situation to lay into me in a nasty uncalled for way. I was told I was no longer welcome and I had no other way to see my bf. Two weeks later he became cold and distant and barely spoke to me. Treated me like I no longer exsist. I would also be interested to hear about this!
I broke all the rules. We had a horrible argument 😢😮😢I truly love them
She sent me 3 messages in about 10 days after saying she just wanted to be friends. Problem is two messages were memes, and the 3rd one was a link to a show she thought I’d like. I replied to the first message courteously (replied the next day) as it was very soon after we agreed to go our separate ways. I also want to stress that I did say she could reach out with funny memes etc as a way of remaining civil/not wanting to lose her completely. Probably a bad move but it happened.
Anyway, she then sent me a 2nd message a few days later about the show she thought I’d like, I hearted the message 24 hours later. Nothing more. Finally, about a week later she messaged me a 3rd time with a meme, I read it but didn’t reply/acknowledge it. That was about 8 days ago. Our last texts between us was about 3 weeks+ ago. I haven’t reached out once. Also, she never uses WhatsApp besides speaking to me, but I’ve noticed she’s been online quite frequently (two to three times a week) which makes me think she’s reading our conversations again.
What should I do here? I do really miss her, she’s a fearful avoidant attachment style and part of me thinks that me ignoring her last message might not have been the best idea, however as I’ve read on other videos isn’t it best to only reply properly if they reach out with a message of significance, rather than something like a meme or video link? I’m confused and ultimately don’t want to lose her completely, but want to remain strong and do no contact. Any thoughts or opinions are really most welcome here.
Its so hard but i think your doing the right thing. Let her miss you, let her FEEL what its like for you to no longer be available to her. Its the only chance you will have to win her back. Do go no contact. That includes not reacting to a meme or liking a post on social media etc. Its the only way to make her really think twice and miss you. All you best.
Honestly? Just move on. She’s sending dumb stuff just to see if you’re still on the hook and will react in a positive fashion. If you do then they know the cycle can begin again. It’s for their own selfish gain to keep repeating the cycle just to feel that honeymoon high and that honeymoon breakup low. Don’t be a toy she can play with until she starts to have feelings and then breaks your heart. Again. Just don’t.
I have similar situation. He said in the breakup text he just wanted to stay friend, then text me 3 times in a span of 2 weeks. After the 3 rd times I told him don’t need to reach out to me anymore, in the future if he wants to work on things we can reconnect, he didn’t respond after that. It has been a week since then. Every time I receive his text, I have some hope and it hinders my progress a lot, so even though it hurts like hell, I think this is for the best. They usually reach out just to not feel guilty and reduce their own pain. they cannot understand how much that hurt us
I'm an FA leaning anxious and my partner is DA with lot of secure patterns. Started the no-contact 3-4 weeks ago, and today, I had a weak moment and texted them. We broke up due to long-distance and not being able to solve the distance and start building our life together. Towards the end of our relationship, we fought every day and I criticized them about every little thing. Now when I look back at it, I feel ashamed for my actions. I found fault in everything they did and caused a scene from that. My DA partner got more and more shut down, and expressed to me many times how they were trying their best and felt like nothing was enough for me. Now I blame myself for causing so much emotional turmoil in the relationship. My ex partner was patient, understanding, forgiving and loving. I miss them so much. They have not answered my message and maybe they won't do it. I feel like I lost the love of my life.
Let us know what videos you would like to see in the future
Would love to hear Thais and her husband maybe provide some guidance on what it was like, what was helpful, etc. to healing their FA/DA relationship to where it felt safe for both to make a long-term commitment.
This topic! And why FA don't want to attend counseling!
What’s the difference between this style and covert narcissists???
My understanding is that avoidants just push you out of their lives while narcissists will keep you around in order to continue getting what they want from you. But they will ditch you like an avoidant when you wake up to their manipulation.
Sweet FA
one has empathy
Can someone put the summery
Ummm 🤔 love shouldn’t be so hard so I think I’d rather just be alone because this is ridiculous, I’ll NEVER EVER , try to get back with my avoidant x he just isn’t worth this trouble
My experience with my ex's timeframe post-breakup has been pretty weird. I knew something was up fro a couple weeks, but she was going through a lot so it felt normal, but i shoudlve trusted my gut feeling. She broke up with me a month ago now. 2 weeks after not talking, we decided to meet to make things clear about what happenned and whats next. Productive discussion where all the usual "we can still be friends and meet sometimes", "you have all i want in a BF but i need time alone and for myself" blablabla. A week later she starts a new relationship with a guy she just met... I was suspicious that it might happen, but im still processing it. She's all over the place and its just fueling my rage of showing her what shes decided to ditch for essentially, not sharing her needs and wants with me, even tho i was very open to any kind of discussions. No Contact it is yall
What if my FA husband of 11yrs is in a limerence affair for the last 18 months? Found out when I was 3 months pregnant with our second child... I'm at a loss what to do.
I’m AP currently in NC after my FA ex bf of 3 years dumped me 8 weeks ago. I started NC the same day and haven’t reached out since. I’m hoping he’ll be back to work on the relationship but it’s not looking good and I’m exhausted.
8 weeks might be too long for FA. 3-4 weeks, no longer than 6 might be better. U could reach out and just say 'hi hope u are doing well'
@@Suze-d1dI want to reach out as well, I’m in week 4 of no contact, he’s started to date again, should I reach out before he finds a new girlfriend or wait till he realizes the grass is greener on the other side ?
Why would my FA ex contact me after 2 months talking about how her depression got much better and she was feeling more connected to herself to then stop replying?
Because she wants you to chase her. Instead of be an adult and stay present and speak real words to you.
So basically with avoidant ppl
You’ll have a relationship for 6 months and freedom for 6 more 💀
Freedom? More like confusion and heartbreak for 6 months
@@vsnrm5451 still u get the point
Sounds toxic smh
This helps to understand where the FA is mentally when there is a breakup & the ex potentially wants to reconnect, but, what about the other side of that when an ex goes no contact & doesn’t want to reconnect. How can someone help the FA accept that the relationship being over? I’ve found ignoring their attempts to reconnect only makes them more eager to reach you. It’s scary.
I’m an FA and cope with exercise and music
Love the video , annnnd your makeup lol love the look in this vid, stunning !
I do not see the folliwing problem addressed in these videos: when anxious attachment person wants to give but is rejected. I'm certainly not the only one feeling that. Guys, try radical acceptance. That's a real solution.
The problem I'm having is that I was in a relationship with her for 6 months. I'm near to an anxious attachment style while she's a DA. She broke up with her Ex, who she had for 6 years, but he end up living in their both bought house until august where we already knew each other and fell in love. After he moved out I felt like she was almost everyday depressed or not in a good mood. Avoided speaking about it, but distanced herself everyday until I decided to end it 2 weeks ago after she said she wants a "Pause" to think about what she really wants, but I couldn't handle it. I thought that she might switch her thinking about her Ex, what could've been and so on. So She as an avoidant got all those feelings about an ex, while beeing in a new relationship with me and I really didnt know what to do. We avoided contact for 16 days now, but we have each others things like clothing. When is the right time to reach out to that person to not only get my stuff back, but also talk about some things I wish we talked out on the day I left her on the telephone. This is not to reach out and beg her to take me back or something, but this was not how I wanted to end it.
I told my ex that I wanted to go NC before I knew what NC actually was, does this mean I messed up? I did let him know what my values were, commitment etc before I said I think we shouldn't contact each other anymore unless there was a conversation about the future.
Any update?
I am in a situation where we both really hurt each others feelings and trust after an unresolved argument. We where dating for 6 months .We are un no contact since 3days . I want to reconnect with my fearful avoidant but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, to rush things, but I really want to reconnect and apologize and trying to makes things better . I really don’t know what to do. I also don’t want to appear clingy…
Hi there. I believe my wife of 17yrs, not ex yet but close, meets all the criteria here. My biggest concern about separating for a while is not just our 4 kids (8-15yo) but that she’ll enjoy it too much and believe it’s because I’m not there! And then it WILL be over! Any advice? Cheers
Not when they already "lined up" another relationship while they were still with you. They will just pour all their energy into that.
Point #2 really helped me out.
However she hurt me too much for me to consider a relationship with her again. But I'd still want to be friends and I tried making things right. And I got this ambivalent response. Really confused me. After yesterday I went no contact. I'm trying to forget her now. Or got over it.
And I was also trying to figure out what would help her. So now I know. Just never contact her again. Either way. She will talk to me again or not. It's best for me and best for her.
Just forget her. Everytime she came back my peace of mind would be ruined again and she wouldn't appreciate how hard I tried for her. Everything I do is taken in a negative way
@@kylel4971 yes it's the right move going forward. She's checked in on me a few times since but when I'd ask her back how she is doing just no reply at all. I guess she thinks I want to hear how she is not doing well(schadenfreude) but in reality I'm actually interested. She sadly has not been doing well as far as I know and I have been doing pretty well.
I straight up told her this and no reply, then I blocked her. I can't do anything right in her eyes and looking back when we were dating that was true then as well. She'd mostly focus on negatives of our 'relationship'. It's simply no way to move forward.
I think people like this aren't worth our effort no matter how nice they seem to be at first
Thank you so much.
❤
They don't care for you it's only them
Certainly feels like that most of the time, but short of them being a narcissist you come to understand the deeper elements.
Question: my ex broke up with me in the night out of nowhere. After one day I went into no contact (with out knowing that it’s a “tactic” I did it just for me) after two weeks I hit her up cause I wanted closure. I instantly felt that she struggled with me not reaching out. In the call then I was really emotional, fought and showed neediness. After the call I heard about that no contact thing and instantly knew that it was the wrong thing hitting her up and showing my heart to her, because now she feels secure that I’m still into her which lets her feel safe. Before she wasn’t cause I was in no contact. Since the call I went into no contact again, is there still a chance that the no contact can activate what was mentioned in the video. So that the power shifts? Actually I don’t want her back, but I want her to feel what she lost and that she is getting aware of how shit broke up was the worst thing she could’ve done.
Thank you!
Only thing that’s tricky about this is if you have pets or children together, or other shared assets. We have do, so I’m wondering if just keeping things to a minimum only about the shared asset/pet/child is fine?
Do you have any content on FAs with mental conditions?
How can u do this if you have teenagers and have to coparent
She dumped me a little over a week ago, it’s so hard not to reach out. She watches all my stories in Instagram, why watch me if she doesn’t want me
Very sorry to hear that. Hope everything works out for you. Sometimes FAs push away people because of fear. Fear to be vulnerable and fear to be truly connected, especially when they have other more important things to do than focusing on the relationship. It seems she still cares and she still has feelings for you. Sounds like she is trying to find evidence for herself. Seeing you moving on with your life may trigger her abandonment feeling (even if she left you first) and help her to move on. Seeing you sad and missing her may have different effects, depending on why she left. It may increase her trust in your love if she left because of fear to connect. It may reinforce her choice if she left because of fear to be stuck. Anyway, hope for the best!
Its not over. Whatever the reason for breakup.
shes still watching you.
Don’t post stories anywhere - go ghost - post nothing for a while. Love yourself do fun things and don’t post.
I am an FA and believe me If she watches your stories, she wants you. She just maybe needs little space, some time and finding a way to believe she can trust to open up. She might just need time ❤
@@LenkaSingh-gl2be thank you for your encouragement. I truly hope so, we fought over something minor, she said she wasn’t good enough and dumped me. I had no Ill feelings towards her at all. I hope she gets over her stubbornness and pride and forgives herself, because I already do.
Do these people feel anything? Ever? It looks like they completely lack and cannot comprehend what empathy is.
I think they do feel very deeply, but the anxiety out-weighs expressing feelings. Empathy is probably harder b/c they are consumed with their own thoughts which provides little space for other's feelings.
They are completely callous
I'm not sure if she's gotten to relief at all (I have ways to check). Maybe she went through it during the whole thought process of the breakup?
Update lol. We got back together, everything was going well, we were communicating more, then I told an "insensitive" joke, then she stonewalled me for 4 days and broke up with me. Turns out, it wasn't even over the joke, but about all of the same problems from before.
Hello, will she still go through these stages if if I was reaching out to her friends and not accepting the breakup and she finally blocked me?
Once they start missing you they won’t reach out it’ll have to be you to do that. Any FA’s here can you tell me if this is true. I’m currently 7 months into the breakup I have reached out once a month in this time but haven’t received any response and rejection. I’ve been doing some intense inner work and been totally by myself building myself. What should I do. Thank you.
I'm not a Fa but my ex is most likely, the first time he broke up with me 2 years ago, he reached out 17 days after I finally told him that I was okay with the decision he made (before that I was chasing him and sending him constant texts), then he breadcrumb me until 6 month ago when we had a big fight, I kept sending messages every month and he finally replied to me when I told him I want to move on. He said I should be moving on to be happy but also doesn't seem comfortable with us never talking again. So, in my opinion, until they realize they have lost us, they will not reply at all. I did tell him he will always be safe with me and I'm here for him if he needs me but I'm taking back control of my life and leaving. I don't know how it's gonna go but I think it's the way to go. He needs to realize he's not in control anymore. IMO you could reach out to her again but only after you made sure there is enough time passed so she will feel like something has changed, when the fear of losing you will start to rise inside her. Hope it helps.
what’s the difference between fa and da?
Do they do the same reflections if you were the one who kindly broke up with them?
What are the reasons for a fearful avoidant want to keep a friendship? To the point they say they want to send me a birthday gift... They broke things only 2 weeks ago
I'm FA and got stonewalled by someone I had dated for a short time. We really really hit it off and things felt soo right, until they suddenly didn't. I still don't know what happened.
I don't know how to move on now, too filled with unanswered questions
Taste your own medicine 😂
I don't know if mine is a DA or a FA
Okay so my ex is an avoidant and I am an anxious attach girlie and HE broke up with me and we haven’t spoken since (6 weeks)
So since an avoidant broke up with the anxious and wanted no contact…does this mean I will die alone lol
Yes, you'll lie alone in your coffin, 100%!
The secret to being secure, is to know that alone is fine, you can have life companions thag come or go, only they know their path. Your job is to love and communicate boundaries. And for some reason, after settling on this knowledge, people tend to stay in your life....
My conscious knows that we won't, my subconscious trying to run that otherwise. My conscious is constantly trying to convince subconscious that this won't happen. I really hope this battle ends soon because I am going crazy 🤪 🙏 😪
@@thiacari that was such a loving and thoughtful response. Thank you so much for that reminder, clearly I needed it. I miss my avoidant ex, but TLC raised me to not chase nothin’ baby
@@thiacariwhoa this was profound…
This was great info but it doesn’t take into account the fact that sometimes the poor avoiding is pushing away from the relationship because of the feelings and being too close with their partner and the fact that they need outside validation so when you separated from your partner and they’re looking for something lighthearted and easy that still gives them the outside validation they start to seek someone else? A relationship that’s more safe because they don’t have developed feelings for them. how do you navigate that?
Is it better to leave the FA on your social media, unfriend/unfollow them, or straight up block them?
Depends what you want, if you want them back just unfrien/unfollow , if you block them they will just move on superfast , if you dont want them to see, be friends etc just block and move on
i rtypical no contact is 3 weeks if temporary my gf wanted a temporary break the space did help i realized how overbearing i was untrusting i was but at the same time i saw my gf redditt talking to a bunch people about sexual things and it made me really upset i wish i would have handled everything better
My ex is a fearful avoidant we broke up over 2 months ago. She reached out after 30 days of no contact and has been hot and cold sense. We actually hooked up two weeks ago and she was very hot the week after hooking up. Initiating text. I think I texted too much back and forth last weekend now she has gone cold again. I am know one week no contact again.
I joined. I've done most of the Break up course, and begone some others. I've been feeling better and more confident. Today is his Birthday. Yesterday I broke my no contact. I feel terrible today. I know I need to restart my nocontact, and do more work self love, but how can I determine the damage that the contact has caused so I can address it?
what happens if we don’t go through with reconnecting?
5:55 6:35 9:00
What are fearful avoidant that’s in a rebound and Johno contact the good workb
Anybody who is trying do get back fearfull avoidant or dissmissive avoidant i have a precious advice: DON'T DO IT! Please don't. You will be dumped again. Theese people don't change. I made that mistake and i let her to come back. After a wonderfull year she discarded me like a trash without any reason. Sorry. She gave me her ridicolous, absurd "reasons" created in her sick head... They are absolutely fucked up people
Exactly, mine FA told me I ruined her financialy and that she even cant effort food. While she is just partying , enjoying life and in a rebound relationship :D
I am currently in week three no contact with my ex and a gift I had ordered for him before the break up I saw was delivered to him this week. Do I need to start over?
I’m a Pre-anx, and been with a DA for 8 years. We live together. It’s hard to know what to do now to keep her attracted to me
Does this dynamic still occur if the avoidant initiates no contact?