How The Fearful Avoidant Reacts To Breakups (& How To Win Them Back!) | Fearful Avoidant Attachment
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 9 ก.ย. 2024
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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#Relationships #FearfulAvoidant #PersonalDevelopmentSchool #PDS #ThaisGibson #AttachmentStyles #Love #Dating #Romance #Breakups #FA
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What’s terrible about having this attachment is , I’m a very normal and stable person when I’m not involved with someone. I haven’t been in a true long lasting adult relationship. It seems to be that I’m stuck in a perpetual cycle. It doesn’t take me long at all to begin to feel extremely anxious. I feel like there’s chaos everywhere. It feels extremely real to me. But idk if I create the chaos subconsciously. I literally feel like I begin to lose grip with reality. There’s so many emotional highs and lows and it is exhausting. And I also feel extremely guilty after hurting said person who simply liked me. So now I just avoid them all together to not only protect myself but to protect anyone I can potentially bring this storm onto.
There will be someone that loves the storm and your precious being, who understands your dynamic is turned on by it. Don't give up hope for a meaningful relationship. Your crazy and theirs will meet and it'll be awesome and stable despite the tumultuous nature of it all! Good luck 💓✨
Miklós Platthy thanks ! I hope so
@@baronhippolytussk Uh... no. You’re encouraging toxicity. FA need therapy. Not someone to “accept” the highs and lows aka putting proper through hot and cold, push and pull, triggers of abandonment. That’s not fair to anyone. They need to be accountable for how they treat people.
@@FM-zg5hz healing is relational. If someone has complex trauma, perhaps childhood PTSD, it may not be probable to alter underlying trauma and disorganised attachment with therapy alone. If there is someone with secure attachment in that person's life, that is able to truly understand and accept the journey of coming to secure attachment through dedication, service and sensuality then, from my experience, it is transformative and so beneficial. In no way am I suggesting a lack of accountability, quite the opposite.
@@baronhippolytussk Well put!
My ex wife was a fearful avoidant...trying to get her to discuss our issues and reconciling was impossible. She was constantly running away...and not willing to even try. I gave up and moved on, I'm much happier now!
i know what that's like. best of luck.
Yeah but be 10 minutes late from work or have a female talk to you and that spiteful anxious side will come out. They suck
@@mathews0618 Iv been there mate. I went to the store to pick something up but instead of me being 10 mins I was 40 mins because I bumped into an old mate I had not seen for about 10 years. I got back and wth I said I bumped into an old mate to hear back how do I know that. My reply because I just said lol. It was a nightmare it felt as if I needed a clock card. I phoned you at work and they said your not there each time I called them. I was moved to a different factory for the day you know my jobs means Im sent to different factorys from time to time. How do I know that. Because I told you and its wrote on my work contract lol. A total nightmare.
michael keeble yep! In their mind there is no other possibility. It goes straight to worst case scenario. And even if there is proof, they still believe their version because in their mind they have to be rejected. They have zero worth. Its sad for sure and i dont mean to shame them. But i dont have to date them either
A fearful avoidant sounds like a fragile narcissists to me. I had the same issue as you and omg did it suck and mess my head up. A simple thing turned out to be a nightmare as the avoidence kicked in. Since when has ignoring an issue made it better. The silent treatment messed my head up. It was not a case of look at why she was giving me the silent treatment but focus on my reaction to it. To this day I have NO idea why the realshionship ended apart from im the bad guy because I hated being ignored. 9 year and married and NO idea wth was the brake up about. I cant see me ever having another relationship with anyone as 2 years after my brake up my head is still messed up over it. I swear someone from her past must have really done a number on her and messed her head up and I payed the price for it as I did nothing wrong that I know of or maybe she just wanted to brake up but did not want to say it but push me away. Women lol Never say what they mean or what just act strange and were meant to work them out and hope we do not go insane trying. Basically I was ignored out of my marriage and somehow im the bad guy lol and to top it I got no mental closure from the relationship. So much for my white male privilege lol I would love to know her reason for the brake up im guessing somehow it was my fault.
My boyfriend's fearful avoidant style turned me into an anxious person.. i was way more secured when i was single.. never really cared if people stayed or left....
That’s not how it works. When you’re single, you have no true attachments. Your insecurities come to the surface as soon as you have a deep relationship and connection. You’re anxious and have healing to do
I've been in the same boat, I became more anxious bc I cared so much about this person and their avoidant behaviours made me less secure. People who think they can't be knocked off their security are silly
I also got moments of being anxious because of the fear of my ex bf feeling insecure.
3:50 is when the real content begins.
Thank u
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thanks
Thank you!
Ta!
One thing that was always said and never gets old about FAs. They want everything on a 'big' scale however they give nothing back. Impossible.
1. Depth (they need something genuine, their feelings to be validated, The why underneath things)
2. Romantic gesture (but not too much)
3. They will try and push you away to see if you mean it (reassure them, Address that you notice they are pushing you away & suggest that they arrange a time for when they are ready to meet or speak.
4. Don’t over extend yourself
5. Say what you’re willing to change
6. Validate their feelings and what you did wrong
7. Express your feelings in a polite way
8. Express what you want but don’t rush, allow space for gradual change & growth.
At point 3 l believed her and left
@@batmikipig I'm sorry for asking in this manner, but were you the avoidant partner that broke up the relationship and left when your ex got to step 3? Or you left this video presentation?
they will try and push you away as in break up or aggravate you??
When you push them with love and support they get mad lol and can be very triggered so idk how to do this .
Okay guys all I’m saying is this is a bit much for a relationship right! I think it’s better to just move on a focus on yourself and a more secure person, a relationship should not be like this!!
My ex really helped me to see what I should prioritize in my life, by breaking up with me. I was always the type of person who would prioritize my relationship over everything else, and that's not healthy. We are in a position rn where we need to prioritize our individual careers, and this breakup has taught me that. I don't want a relationship with her, but I really love her for the soul she is. No point losing ourselves being in a toxic relationship.
Heal yourselves together
That's great and I can relate. I tend to proritize relationships too, and I have loved my ex deeply but she has discarded and for no good reason. We have been on and off for 2 years, but now she said she's leaving forever. Believe it or not we had 0 fights and were always intimate. But I think she avoidant and the distance between us kind of made her breakup with me before. This time she said it will be forever. she hurted me a lot. And I want to be happy despite of her discard. I want to be happy being alone.
@@Ahicksaf my friend first one should learn how to be happy alone and then share that happiness with others, I was dating FA girl for 8 months, total of 4 breakups in that timeframe, as soon as we got close she started to push me back, now we broke up kinda hard I took all presents I gave her and went on my way without saying much, she was messed up smoking 2 packs a day and couldnt have sex without getting shitfaced drunk, I would not recommend anyone to date FA as much as I love her I need distance from such people, they dont deserve anything goos till they heal themselves or at las acknowledge their behavior and apologise. I have Secure attachment and even for me its confusing af
I'm finally understanding that with my fearful avoidant partner they are going to always think that they're doing everything for me, meanwhile they never connect emotionally because vulnerable conversations trigger them too much, and then all of a sudden they're going to keep treating me like I mean nothing to them and on top of it blame me for not considering them enough when they refuse to ever have a vulnerable conversation through which we would understand what considering the other person actually means. So they act like they're doing everything for the other person, yet are always so consumed by their own emotions and insecurities to actually do so, and finally it's only me putting in tons of effort all the time. I am so sick of being distrusted all the time, treated like I don't matter and then... being guilted for it!
Spot on
Yup! It can be headache inducing loving them so much lol just know if you love them it is going to be all about them and they’re perspective only. It’s a lot of work but if you love them it’s worth it.
I'm FA, mostly secure at this point but we love deep conversations and vulnerability.
Unless your partner feels betrayed, then they'll withdraw really hard. Thais did videos on what FA needs to rebuild trust which are spot on.
Are you sure your partner isn't a DA?
What you wrote feels exactly like my last relationship and the worst part is that as the anxious preoccupied partner, I end up taking up all the blame and agreeing to what my FA partner says because I’m desperate to save the relationship when he wouldn’t even try. He thinks that by doing things for me that that should reduce our frequent miscommunications but THAT is exactly the issue.
@@ToraydoBull just remember this attachment style is based on trauma and any form if ptsd they might have. They’re suffering from different levels of mental illness so it’s important to almost be a psychologist coming into one of these relationships. Most of the time it’s gonna be walking on eggshells so communication and getting educated on mental health will be important. The most important thing not to do is actually point out their behavior if they ever deactivate, because it’s part of a coping mechanism that they have to protect themselves to not feel pain it’s a remnant of a trauma response that they used to cope with their original trauma and it can be intense and the words that they use to push you away can be quite sharp. Don’t make them feel like it’s an actual problem with their character because it’s really not. It’s complicated. But if you do that you’ll end up being bad for their mental health. There’s no actual wining sometimes unless they themselves & you make efforts in learning and changing. Asking what their needs & boundaries are and being extremely patient. There is no cure for ptsd there’s only managing the symptoms. It’s too late for me but I still like learning and growing as a person so I still watch these videos.
I always thought I was an anxious attachment type, but watching your videos I’ve had an epiphany that I’m fearful avoidant.
I tend to scrutinise and look for inconsistencies/disrespect, almost expectant of the abandonment coming, so I’ll push away in an ‘I’m done!’ moment. For the first week or two after I feel empowered, for putting myself first, and then the pain of it will hit me, and even though I’m the one who walked, I’ll feel rejected and abandoned (usually because I’m dating a Dismissive Avoidant). It’s a painful cycle that thankfully I’m now getting help for. 😥
Suzy W i think this is still anxious style because avoidants experience the need for space, as if they are suffocated with the relationship, which is the opposite of what you are describing as a fear of being abandoned. Avoidants are repelled by neediness or dependance, even if it’s a normal kind of attachment in a relationship. My avoidant ex thought I was being needy for asking for a kiss when we met after a few days... Fearful avoidants want to have you not too close and not too far...
Same.
@@annaec1822 fearfuls are a combo of anxious attachment and dismissive avoidants. Half and half.
This is me to a tee. It’s so hard dealing with this attachment style. I tend to get really upset with myself over it
I feel your pain and frustrations because I’m exactly the same :(
You deserve loving and supportive comments Thais. You are a wonderful, beautiful person. You are giving so much love to everyone. I am thankful that the world has you in it.
Uuu
Thank you so much!!
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool
My Fearful Avoidant Ex who just moved out has been made aware of her attachment style and she just left 3 days ago. We were married for just under 3 years and as usual her leaving came out of the blue.... She wants to talk everyday and be "friends" only still. How do I try to reconcile things when we are still in contact vs giving her no contact space for a few weeks?
@@noahynclan7929
Do no contact. No speaking
This is 100% me. Breakups trigger things I’ve carried my whole life and it becomes so easy to fall into depression. I usually just push the other person away and shut down.
My ex got depressed a week before our breakup. Was she deactivating or actually trying to push me away?
Thank you so much for this . I am a fearful avoidant who just moved in with my partner and I’ve noticed how caring and also first hand how distant and cruel I can be . I believe my negative thoughts and I act on them . Since we are still in the early stages of living together I’m going to bust my butt into being a better partner . It breaks my heart to know I’m causing someone hurt , Because I’m hurting .
We are Truly not bad people , BUT listening to others saying how free they felt after leaving the FA and are even happier now .. makes me sad and also makes me want to correct my attachment style even more .
And in no way am I encouraging people to stay with FA , if they are unhappy and it’s causing them pain .
It’s just eye opening for me
We really are good people , Stuck in a unhealthy cycle while simply trying to love others 💚
Sending much compassion & healing energy your way
💜
i will say i am happy to see FAs like you. Sending the best your way, best advice ive heard join Thais' program PDS. and also, speak your feelings as hard as i may be, and practice doing the opposite of what you would normally do. Dont run and try not to say cruel things, dont block, if you need a break take one, 20 minutes to an hour. But come back, speak, if you feel a trigger, tell your partner what you felt in the moment. Please coming from the partner of an Fa, i stood up months crying of what hes said and how he switched. i missed hime everyday, i hurt less and less but if i can help those who suffered the same, i will. I am so happy you are aware, thats a huge step in the right direction. Best of luck and sending love peace and security to your partner.
From the other side, I feel conflict. I love my FA and miss them, I still want to be with them in the future if possible. But I also feel free of all the mindreading, they don't express their deep needs and emotions and also don't believe what I say.
Well done for taking control of your life, I hope it’s going well! I would really recommend an attachment therapist to help you whilst you are with your partner so they can support
So glad Thais believed in herself enough to invest in her production values and this channel.
Therapy isnt accessible to everyone. I'm in therapy/EMDR, but Thais has been a HUGE part of my growth this last year. We're so lucky to have her.
I remember my last breakup, I immediately dissociated from my feelings and thought I was okay. Then I got super drunk five days later and my family heard me wailing from two floors away. I don’t really remember it, but I know it happened because my family remembers.
Man I can’t thank u enough u have helped me n my partner so much she’s had a rough time with abandonment issues n her being anxious avoidant since I found ur. Vids our relationship is in a great place about a year ago I was ready to leave n move on after the three year before that point had been so hard n I thought it was just her being selfish but I started watching u n it showed me all the mistakes I had been making that caused a lot of what she was doing n once she saw the changes I had made she started wanting to know more n she’s doing so much better in our relationship and most of all she became the best mother I know n I’m happy to say that we just passed our 17th year together we have 3 beautiful kids together 2 boys and my daughter n honestly ur work making these vids changed me in so meny ways I can’t thank u enough for everything I wish u all the best in life and Ill pray that the good lord will bless u and your family
Fantastic! She's pulled away (left my house) more than 11 times. It's been absolutely heartbreaking. I've given a non-egotistical, selfless love to this woman and received little in return. She got into a rebound with an emotionally unavailable, functional alcoholic and drunk in October. It got worse. I feel this is extremely unhealthy. I'm exhausted and trying to heal.
I’ve just gone through the same thing. Then I found his Tinder account. So glad I found out now instead of later.
@@CandyQuackenbush911 hang in there! Pray and meditate!!
Out of nowhere my Girlfriend of 3 years breaks up with me…the prior evening was a candle lit dinner, intimacy afterwards , and discussing our future together. She told me a week later that she was clinically diagnosed as a fearful avoidant. The pain of losing her was excruciating….but it was for the best.
Avoidants are the hardest to deal with. They will run, push away, play the crappy childhood card over and over to the point you’re exhausted if not careful. My advice after trying for four years is to find someone else.
Agree.
Ugh I love the way you phrased "I'm so tech inexperienced and I actually allowed that for a period of time to hold me back" - We need to teach every child this way of thinking about hurdles to accomplishments!
Having been working on my anxious attachment style for a couple of years plus codependency- I vowed never to go down this road again! And again I found my self in a relationship with an avoidant - I have empathised so much with him and completely understand- but for me it’s now about my self care! I gave it four weeks- and it has just been push pull push pull and at 40 years of age I am now just done with what feels like abuse - self abuse at that for staying! ❤️ sending heaps of love and remember YOU are the most important person in your life and your wellbeing and mental health matters the most xx
"I am not a fortune teller", she said while describing myself in great detail and with shocking accuracy ;-)
how well does the 3-to-4-week period of no contact seem to you? talking about a five-year relationship, she's FA, i'm AP, no major issues in the relationship, just our attachment problems. i'm freaked out about where she is emotionally. i'd like to think she's too afraid to contact me, but who knows?!
This is sooooo accurate! As someone who is fearful-avoidant in romantic relationships, this really speaks to me. I love your videos!! You are super compassionate and your style of relating is so warm and informative :)
Oh my goodness. You are literally the person I would love to sit down and speak to! I’m dealing with someone who I feel is a fearful avoidant! I freaked out because I have anxious attachment based on childhood trauma. I don’t over react or ask to see them all the time or smother... but when this person needs space or at least that’s what I think they need when I don’t hear from them for a few days - I feel fear and it tells me they’re not there for me.
@@oeu3669 you've got to express that need in a way that encourages open discussion and encourage them to do the same too. It can work but it requires a great deal of patience from both parties
Hey I've been looking for someone I could get some insight from, would you be open to chatting somewhere else? I am an AP with a FA and I'm not sure what to do or what the reality is through her eyes.
@@oeu3669 1
@@oeu3669 aa
You are changing my life ❤️ thank u I finally don’t feel crazy
i don't know anything about tech but i can at least say this video you sound so much clearer!!
I'm a fearful avoidant with secure styles. However I also can fluctuate between being dismissive and anxious. I am learning and growing and doing the work. I have been reflecting back on relationships and trying to identify why I behaved in certain ways and also why people behaved towards me in certain ways. I truly believe there is hope for healing and with the work, there are so many possibilities for love and light x
As I’m going through a breakup as a FA right now, it’s so comforting to know this is why I’m so numb to it. I was worried that I didn’t love them and so I didn’t feel anything. As much as I would like to feel it, its good to know that this is why, and I’m not just a horrible person for feeling fine after just 3 days of a breakup
How long did it take you to start feeling things? How did things turn out?
3 days? How is that possible?? :(
being a fearful avoidant I can see this advice would work on me. This is 100% true for me and what I want/think in relationships.
The definition of crazy is repeated action & expecting a different result each time.
Wow this is so true. I used to be with a dismissive and when he would try to get back with me I would make him wait and was very suspicious. As a female fearful I definitely am not the one to initiate returning to a relationship ever, no matter how much I might want to.
Well thats manipulative.. and why wouldnt you initiate returning if its something you want,?.. That makes zero sense
I asked the "are you ok" question and also said hey, I know you'll probably have moments in the next year and I understand and ok with that if you are not. They told me they were ok. Two months in I realized they were not ok when the projecting/comparing to ex flared up as the NRE waned and here I am down the FA rabbit hole trying to empathize and understand better and try to be supportive and/or avoid being blindsided in the future again. Thanks for these, very helpful.
So they want all these things and they know this is wat is needed in a relationship but they can’t give it the same bak
My FA ex reached out at 2am VIA text as was our usual communication. I broke up with them February, they contacted me a month later saying how they missed me. I replied nicely and basically said the lack of communication broke us and no relationship can survive with out it. They replied "no worries take care" then at 2am last night (which would be 3 1/2 months after their last text) messaged again. Need to ignore it for me. It is not in my personality to ignore people but I have been healing so well. I was a secure and turned anxious in that relationship. 1st time in my life and stuck around for 1 year - it was really too much for me to understand. THEY DO REACH OUT and she is stubborn. hope she gets the help she needs.
stubborn is for sure
I am also secure and turned anxious and at times dismissive in the relationship. Their attachment style brings out unhealthy habits in us. Starting to think more and more that they’re just not worth all the trouble. Better off to be with someone who is secure and encourages you to also be secure instead of questioning every little thing you do and push/pull.
If you really love her.. I would suggest maybe communicating to her about attachment styles.. So that they are aware of it.. I think some truly don't know.. And their heart and mind battle against each other and they don't know what to make of it. Obviously it's hard to do that if you don't want them anymore.. But if real love is there.. It will help them to let know so they aren't continuing the cycle of hurting themselves and others... Just plant the seed.. Imo anyway.
I am a DA Who thanks to past relationships was starting to lean secure, my ex was a FA, the end of the relationship was a really low blow, she ended the relationship over nothing, we where doing great.
Good thing is that i have learned so much about attachment i am really happy for the opportunity =)
3:50
Cold at first, avoidant. They close down if they feel there is an injustice.
5:53
They well have bouts of feelings. They start processing after 3-4 weeks.
Unhealthy habits can come up.
They feel a lot, but they also don’t want to feel. Flip flops.
13:45
They can say negative things about their ex partner to tell a story.
16:30
They might feel abandoned, alone.
If they feel betrayed they will not initiate.
18:01
Advice
1) Depth: express your love and connection, romantic gesture.
2) Validate feelings: i care, here’s why.
3) Explain the why underneath things.
4) they will push you away, to try to test you.
“Hey I really want to make this work. If you think there’s a chance I want to know.”
5) Don’t overextend, don’t beg and plead. That will trigger their avoidant side.
6) Say what you’ve learnt and what you’re willing to change. And what you felt too.
This is 100% on point. I am married to a fearful avoidant. You have helped me learn so much. Your channel is a true blessing.
How did you get a FA to marry you? Do tell!
Thank you! Me and my ex were perfect in terms of compatibility, we are both easy going, love each other and enjoy being around each other. He got divorced about a year and half ago and he’s now fearful of failure due to his past toxic and abusive relationship and he hasn’t been able to get over this hurdle. The fear takes over. We just ended things because 10 months later I questioned our status and he freaked out and said I can’t have you tag along when I’m so broken and confused. I don’t know what to do... it’s a shame to let go of something so great. These opportunities don’t happen often 😔
❤ I feel you!
But let me tell that will happen again many times. Because obviously he is not matching (you deserve someone courageous to what do what he loves, bold, mature to face his traumas)
Wow! I have the same story!
Man this happened to me, she and I started dating a month after her and her ex broke up. It was constantly on and off for a year and a half. We’ve finally broken up because she needed to work on herself. I saw her today down the street and she’s already seeing someone 4 weeks after us breaking up. Absolutely crazy.
I’d always ask her what I did and she would say nothing, That she loves everything about me and that there’s nothing wrong with me, it’s just a gut feeling that I’m not the one.
Such a horrible thing to experience
felt something similar recently and it really does hurt so much
@@stargazerxAM sorry to hear that. It’s absolutely soul crushing :(
You got with her a month after she broke up with her ex, and now she is with someone a month after breaking up with you? I know its painful but its not exactly a surprise it's a pattern
Definitely can relate to the, "I feel betrayed, I'm done" - not coming back. I had a friendship/ex-roomate around 25 years back. The relationship really triggered me. It was bad. I shut down and cut her off. My biggest issue was the lack of resolution to that relationship. I found a way to a resolution inside of myself, but not with her. So, it was a partial resolution, but more than I was going to get from her. The fact is, I don't want a repeat because the pain of that friendship was so awful and put me in an "I don't want to ever go through that again" shut down mode. I have worked through most of it. But, I can see how it has negatively affected me. What really hasn't helped has been feeling blamed for everything that went wrong in that relationship. I know I did some bad things. But I feel like the entire onus for everything that happened was put on me and the nasty things she said/did have neither been acknowledged nor apologized for. How do I heal from this attachment style? It has devastated much of my life.
One additional thing: I have been in therapy for about 27 years now.
I am so glad I discovered you and your work. For a long time I had suspicions of my unpleasant traits of a 'Fearful Avoidant' (FA) just as you described so when I saw your TH-cam I was so happy to finally find a concrete and validation that I am FA. After having so many relationships and failed with same intense beginning and ending with strong resentment and anger outbursts. I am so burned out, so decided to put having a relationship on shelf and I am happy with that choice. I realized if I met someone like myself, how exhausting I would be too to never know where he'd be coming from or going. Feeling vulnerable is the last thing I'd wan to do, (PTSD from mother shaming me for being vulnerable)...those old programming are still active. Thank you for your insights and your work to help the rest of us. I feel blessed to have found your work. Namaste!
I have learned a ton. I understand now she feels betrayed but I am innocent but she doesn't care. She actually shut down years ago. It's been 9 months since we parted. 7 years relationship. We have a 5 year old son. She is unreachable. It doesn't matter what I say or do. She's checked out. I tried...
I'm sorry. I know what you mean about unreachable. They build an impenetrable wall between you and communicate with you behind it. You hardly ever see any love from them shine through it. And if you do, then they shut it down when you show interest. It's sad. Hope you and your son are doing ok
I am an 100% FA and walking away fro am DA has been so incredibly painful. I feel so broken and hurt and want to call ever day but I won’t let myself because he wanted it to end and I will not stoop and loose the last bit of pride I have left in me.
Test1 \test2 u need to make ur dismissive side active. Now ur anxious side has been triggered. DA is just toxic AF. U need to move on from this person completely
@@junelee5975 YES!
27 years married to a FA destroyed us both! I still love him. He’s the father of our 3 boys but he struggles to even connect with them! So sad all the way around. He’s left me now and is already with someone else
It's really sad to know that being involved with a fearful avoidant to now have validation that they do in fact smear you to co-workers or friends and family while in what seems like a very loving relationship. That is just heartbreaking to know, being on the other end of that. I've often wondered.
Could you do a video on a fearful avoidant's relationship with another fearful avoidant, and whether it is ever possible for these two to make it work?
I would request that too.
I'm very interested in this as well!
I think any attachment style can work with any other or the same attachment style if both parties are aware of their own attachment style and work on healing and improving their relationship.
@@lelev.5758 You’re on the money. I’m in an anxious/avoidant relationship and honestly just the awareness of our patterns and core wounds has helped us tremendously. We’re getting used to each other and also both working to become more secure.
I'm a FA, attempting to reconcile with another FA.. I found out too late what this would entail. I'm now the one doing the work and initiations. And they respond but don't engage. I know they have feelings for me and want me. Just that there fear is higher than their desire to get back with me. I did the work to heal and try to get to a trusting point with myself. And I'm still pushing through. I love this person so much. I see now what needs to be fixed and understood. Took so much guts to be vulnerable and put my feelings out there. They held back and took so long to process, that I went into deactivating and becoming dismissive. I hate this dance. But I understand him now. And see where we both could of did things differently. Now I'm trying to win him back over.. and I've been getting the most subtle feedback. I'm just hope to hit that turning point soon. This is exhausting but I have no desire to date anyone else at this time. I saw some where else that it could take up to a year I'm just like fine ok. I text them one a week for now.
100 % FA and break ups are like a death to me. It takes me years to get over someone and years to find someone new( All without drugs or booze)
Same but worse than death because I go to therapy & feel guilty & try to understand everything fully before I move on entirely, and then once it’s over, it’s OVER.
When you said the smaller the support community is the harder it becomes to get over the break up i remembered how I used to deepen my other relationships when I feel like the one I have will be broke or will fail...before the break up happens I make sure I have other people to rely on and it make me stronger to make the decision of leaving...NOW I KNOW WHY!
same with my ex she made more things with her family, with her friends i know now why -.- now she is new on instagram and sends lots of invitations to her friends after years -.-
The sound quality is much, much better! Thanks for your perseverance with the tech. I'm utterly hapless with it myself. Fy, the sound may be just the teensyist bit distorted.
Another fantastic video, very enlightening! As someone who has been on the receiving end of a breakup and my ex being most surely an FA I now have some idea what she might be going through (which I care about since I still love her). I also recognise your remarks about the anger, negativity and "shutting down" as well the resurfacing of old issues (mostly regarding her childhood and previous relationships). I have voiced how I saw our situation, how I feel about her, that I care about her and validated her views and feelings, but to no avail. At the moment I've just pulled back to give her space and time to heal while working on myself, hoping she'll do the same and hoping that at some point in time we have another chance. In any case, thank you for your valuable info!
I’m also curious as to how your situation panned out for you. I’m in a similar situation myself.
It my FA girlfriend around 6 months to properly get back to me
I too really care for her
@@runlindsayrun you'll need to no contact till he properly starts getting back to you, there are phases in that..
@@rohitisalwayspositiv can you give me advice on getting my FA ex back. Did you just use do no contact? For how long? Did you reach out at all, what did you say that worked? How is it going now for you two?
@@bellwetherone5739 There are a couple of things involved.
One of the most important aspects that we need to consider is that whether she had gone beyond the honeymoon phase, fearful avoidants generally like to stay in the honeymoon phase in which the couple is physically attracted to each other and fantasizing about all the niceties of the dreamy future.
In the honeymoon phase the couple actually doesn't know about each other actually so much..
After the honeymoon phase when the physical attraction starts become normal it is then when the FA is triggered and tries to pull away
because the FA senses that in her/his partner..
So now the best thing that could be done is the no contact if you want the FA back
My FA has been constantly pulling away because it's been a year since we know each other and she will have to get over that fear that FA s have..
It's not easy for the FAs but if suppose the FA slightly pulls away she would generally come back in 3-4 days when she senses that it's safe and you too are cool and composed.
But if she strongly pulls away then you can consider a month, four months..
Generally the FAs come back faster when the sense that
1) He/she is not needy of her/him.
2) The FAs partner is moving on with life and doing his/her own thing ( Career/ hobbies etc )
After some time they come back to check how you are doing in your life if they really had feelings.*
* Many FAs can be casual too, as casual relationships are short time fillers for their needs for closeness and they don't have to reveal much about themselves.
So please be careful and aware.
Take care 😊
Whatever happens is for our own good.
I’m a Fearful avoidant I have been single for 5 months I’ve dealt with the emotions. I agree with what your saying I do doubt jumping back into a relationship. I enjoy listening to what you have to say.
Hi Ashlyn, interesting that you have not jumped into a rebound. My FA ex got into one after a month from the breakup, I think Thais´s videos are very good for the healing, good luck with that.
Asking if they are ready after a breakup, in my experience, I did exactly this and he said yes and we got into a relationship very quickly. I noticed things didn't feel right hot/cold, push/pull (I'm anxious preoccupied) and I wasn't even aware of any attachment styles until after the breakup. He immediately went searching for someone else after the breakup after 3 intense months of blocking/unblocking, break up and get back together. I wish him healing and love.
I truly do feel bad for those who have this attachment style. In my heart, I do want them back, but after watching this video, I feel it's healthy and best to move on. Relationships with FA sounds like it's not for the faint of heart.
The terrible thing living with this is that for me the FA behaviour seems perfectly normal, and that's the problem! Time after time, I've been content to have an Etch a Sketch relationship. Shake and start again. I'm unable to commit when it starts to get too serious. I worry if it's the "real thing" and start looking for the exits. Before long panic sets in, and I just want to be on my own.
My FA put up boundaries for us to get closer. So they want it but don't let us provide it. It's so hard
My fearful avoidant ex screamed "I've had enough" and started balling her eyes out... guess she really had enough
Lol! Good riddance
@@traviss977 Right ?🤣Good riddance, jeez I'll never understand women
Just realized from this video I was a rebound for a fearful avoidant. It hurts but I have some clarity now. Thank you.
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He was the person who helped me manifest back my ex three days ago with out delay 💯💯
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I just took your advice and and i feel so good i never thought solving problems this way would be such an amazing thing no more fighting and lashing out from now on it's all calm and straight on point thank you
Thank you for your videos! You are incredibly insightful and articulate. I just asked my fearful avoidant (I believe he fits the description to a T) husband of 16 months to leave and we’ve been split up for about six weeks now. We were seeing a therapist together and individually and when he no longer wanted to see the therapist anymore and was not willing to work on our relationship I felt as though we were at a dead end and I asked him to move out. I found out later that in his individual sessions he was not taking any responsibility for his issues and denying them completely and blaming everything on me. Although I did make mistakes for sure I know I’m not mentally ill.
The therapist told me that he thinks my husband is absolutely terrified of his own feelings. He wasn’t very good at sharing and was pretty quiet. I felt alone in the relationship and and frankly relieved that he’s gone although it is sad and I am grieving still.
Thank you for easing my mind by providing the answers to my questions about why things perhaps were the way they were. Have a great weekend!
Hey I'm so sorry to hear this your relationship sounds exactly like mines I'm entering 2 months of no contact contact my ex husband, he also stopped trying and thought therapy was not for him I miss him and wish he considered our daughter when he ended things and walked away. 😢 I still hope NC will work maybe
@@melssf7451 Hi Mandy. Thanks for sharing. Since I wrote that my husband and I have gotten back together. Nine months apart helped us to both be humbled and my husband has recommitted to therapy. Sometimes being apart is enough to make them rethink their old ways and be ready to change. I will pray for you and your husband.
@@lisatilley5620 I feel teary reading your message because I am so happy for you and because you took the time to reply here, I really appreciate it. Sadly I don't think I will be having the same ending but I'm getting stronger everyday and letting go. 15 years with him so I will be patient on myself so I know everything will be okay soon Thanks again I'm so grateful to you ❤
@@melssf7451 Oh I’m so sorry to hear that Mandy. But you know, I never thought my husband and I would get back together. It was such a shock and things turned around so quickly. I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling stronger all the time!! Do you believe in prayer?
Looks like one has to walk on eggshells, be careful not to trigger his anxious side, be careful not to trigger his avoidant side. They might need depth but when you give it to them on a tray they then run away... and block you and break your heart. It's really true that they have both the wounds of the anxious and avoidant side. If you're getting back together I would encourage you to get assisted by a therapist who specialises in attachment styles and can guide you along the way, otherwise you're exposing yourself to be hurt again... These people tend to show an anxious side and want all of you during the honeymoon phase, then when you start getting comfortable.. poooofff, they're gone out of the relationship with any excuse and treating you like you are their N1 enemy. They're really f****d up.. Sad.
Very fairly said, I feel exactly the same. The change from love similar approach to enemy no. 1 is within days, freaky actually.
Yeah, I won’t lie, we can be a tough nut to crack- but know that it’s not fun for us FAs either.
@@dr.dermixgirlmd7479 Once the awareness is there for the FA, good things will come, I guess. The struggles and the volatility of the emotions are no fun, I believe you.
Its not worth it
WOw I got that yesterday, for no reason she wanted to block me, was just conversation but she felf i was being pushy, then I got she was afraid to get a text from me as if she was going to have a panic attack. weird
It is so true about resorting to unhealthy habits and I think what’s also interesting is that the person that I kind of associate one of my negative habits with was my primary caregiver. My mom is very anxious, and put her fears on me which I resented completely because she always made everything about her so I learned I couldn’t go to her.
She has a very unhealthy view of food and her body which she passed on to me. So, after a break up the first thing I do is restrict my eating. To the point where it is very unhealthy but it feels like a coping mechanism. Very good insight Thais, thank you ☺️
I relate to this a lot except my moms also a FA like me but more anxious driven
Lol I am an emotional eater and I'm italian "eat the spaghetti to forgetti your regretti" omg im doing all of these things
My girlfriend has done this to a "T" !!!!! Fearful avoidant with being anxious when happy. Was doing Counseling when we met over a year ago - stopped going to counseling after her Dad's death. We got into a "loop". Thankful for the solutions you've provided are HUGE. Especially with me already doing the work.
This video literally could not come out at a better time for me, thank you so much!
A potential concern is that this "prove you care" style barrier the FA has been described as making use of during a re-connection attempt after a falling out or break up will lend them vulnerable to a pattern of only allowing dynamics with narcissists to prevail. The narcissist is generally aware of vulnerability and associated limitations of resistant behaviour, highly manipulative, self-entitled, boundary pushing and/or crossing, unconcerned with impact a long as the goal is achieved. The narcissist will persevere with love bombing (or a cunning strategy) to win back a FA where more empathic, boundary-respecting, and ethically-mindful personality types will not. This is something that demands therapeutic awareness for the FA in terms of the strategies used by different personality dispositions and risks associated with creating barriers that only filter in narcissists.
This is exactly the problem I found after I left my husband. The love bombing from the person who enabled me to leave and then cruelly discarded and triangulated me when I was at my most vulnerable, continues to this day. He knows how much I crave love but can't allow anyone to get so close. Really it's emotional torture like a cat playing with a mouse. Very dangerous for an FA like me...
@@1dayfree Powerful words "like a cat playing with a mouse", I've heard of it before in such dynamics. Healing is possible, you/we need to learn how to love yourself from within, a form of energy healing, balancing, and affirmation.
Someone can also not be a narcissist and try to prove themselves.
Your videos have been incredibly valuable for me. I've read a few books on attachment theory and have been interested in it for a few years now. It hasn't been clear to me where I exactly am in my attachment style until now. Understanding the difference between dismissive and fearful avoidant makes all the difference. It's now very clear to me I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. All the patterns you describe in your videos are all accurate. I love studying patterns and am dedicated to personal/spiritual development. I can't thank you enough for helping me to see this all more clearly.
I have been in a on and off relationship with a man who I now suspect is an fearful avoidant. We have an strong connection but every time we have a disagreement he disappears, sometimes for weeks. The longest has been 3 months of silence. In his mind, if people really love each other they should never disagree or have arguments. I have tried to explain how crazy that idea is but to no avail, he is adamant that is wrong. We are in one of these silences right now...not sure what is going to happen.
Y Vaz for me it was helpful to feel like I was the one in control by deciding not to contact them. You can deicide to tell them if ur doing it or not. Figure out what you want from an an rl and ask if he is able to do this when he’s out of that state? We have to be practical even if it’s tragic
@@Kynamagic90 this time I have taken a different approach but not because I have been trying to find solutions but because I am tired of this. He tried to come back like nothing has happened (his usual strategy, he disappears for days or weeks and then comes back like his silence is perfectly normal) but this time I said no. I told him I am tired of it and I need some stability in my life (which is true). I can’t be with someone who keeps disappearing on me. He may think arguments are not right well, I think walking way is not right. I can tell he was taken by surprise, he was not expecting me to do that. This was not a trick, it was from the bottom of my heart, I had enough so if he wants us to stay together he needs to step up. Not holding my breath, though.
I went through the same with my ex. Horrible ups and downs, I had questions wanted to talk and he suspected it would lead to an argument so he withdrew..it was so hard. He left me hanging for days and weeks. Thats abuse..
@@katarinaj.6830 it is abusive and maybe neglect. To be in a relationship were your needs are never met or heard, is neglect for sure
@@yvaz3373 I am in this situation its been 3 weeks. This is the third strike. I love him but if he comes back I'm shutting it down. If he's not going to do the work, I don't want it. I'm a secure attachment style I don't have time
this lady is a gift
Lol, your strategies on how to win a fearful-avoidant back sound way too mature for most men I've encountered. I absolutely love your videos, I've been totally sucked in! I was never sure which one I was because I feel like I was all over the place... sometimes anxious, sometimes dismissive and avoidant, and with healthy secure people, I was also secure. I watched the comparison videos as well, and they make complete sense about which attachment style I am. I have to agree as well that it's on a scale!
My girlfriend is the Fearful Avoidant and I am only Anxious Attachment if anything. I wish it were the other way around, truly.
Hey girl, the audio in this video is SOOOO MUCH BETTER! High five, great job! Thank you for all your videos, you are very kind to share these with us.
Thank you for another absolutely amazing video and ... you look stunning today!
"ok can we just be really close friends together right now or what" haha.. yes, before i knew it we were "living together" ... and then suddenly, it was "goodbye forever" (a few times)... etc etc
I'm sorry, sounds like emotional whiplash! :(
NOW I finally understand WHY I value more my friends than a jealous partner. I could end a relationship not to loose my friends. Friends are forever.
It works way better. Shout out to your community for helping lol
Wow the fearful avoidance experience of a breakup seems like sunshine and rainbows in comparison to a disorganized and BPD's experience. Where my body legit feels like I'm dying and I have to fight urges to self destruct to a suicidal extent almost constantly.
With no end in sight..
22:48 Wow call my relationship a how to paint a flower in 10 steps diagram and then put it on display for an art class.
I was in a toxic relationship where we broke up 4 times. The first time i cried immediately when he was emotionally cheating on me but the following times i pushed back so hard that i just didn't feel anything and proceeded with my life as per normal. Only after a few days for the last time is when i started crying and everything again until i got over it a year later
This is a really great video. My ex is a fearful avoidant and I unfortunately brought up triggers from her past relationships and she broke up with me. She immediately was firm in us not having a chance and would exit the conversation when it was getting too emotional. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, even been broken up for about 3 now. I sent her a letter via text on Tuesday and haven't heard back other than an "I'm Sorry 😔" which she immediately deleted.
It sounds like I did the right thing though, told her how I felt, was vulnerable and then let her sit with the feelings and words. I would be happy to share the letter with you Thais.
Same thing happened to me about a month ago. I was polite and communicative but was told that i was blaming her for how i felt. Its so confusing on the recieving end because it was a beautiful relationship but seemed to end so abruptly. I miss her so much
What’s d situation now? Did anything change ?
Your videos are absolutely amazing. Dead on. I only wish I had found them before my relationship with a person with mixed fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment style went south.
I've never really subscribed to any TH-cam videos. Thank you for your videos. I hope they continue even after you open your school.
My ex girlfriend had new tattoo booked, book holidays on her own and dye her hair a colour. She felt that she couldn't trust me and was unwilling to meet my needs in the end.
She has been on anti depressants before we started going out and would pull away. Then be annoyed i didn't chase her.
I would say the relationship was great 80% of the time but when she went into that space you just had to let her come out it herself. Nothing you could do and if you did you just got resentment. You knew cause she would just stare into space.
But again a fantastic person when she was in a good fame of mind and very giving.
Better sound, slower speak, Great improvement! Thanks.
Yes please... A lot slower.. You have such interesting stuff but so difficult to keep up. ❤️ Keep up the videos rolling.
You can manually slow down the video speed where the three little dots on the top right are.
I just found your channel and can I just say wow. I'm going through a breakup, He is an avoidant and honestly he has traits of both fearful and dismissive according to you profiles. It's hard to tell exactly what he is I feel he has like both equally. He's 44 and I'm 37, I'm an anxious attachment. He was taken at 3 from parents to a foster home and then cheating dad was gone and his mom got him back at about 6. We have been together for 2 and a half years and he has broken up with me and left numerous times. With little explanation, he says he needs his own place, he isn't Happy, and then moves to his dads. And then we get back together. We have never been broke up for more than 2 months. This time it was 3 weeks and we started sleeping together and hanging out a little but he just wouldn't come around or want to see me alot. He just recently started ignoring me. No fight just stopped responding or answering phone with no call back. So I listened to alot of your videos and I texted him, a non critical or accusatory message about how ignoring is disrespectful and how ignoring makes me feel, and the needs I need and to get ahold of me when he is ready to talk. Of course no response. But I have learned so much from your videos and I feel very blessed to have found them. Because me and him our communication wasn't good and I am really seeing that now. I hope we can have another chance to have a discussion about it
Good luck, you sound extremely patient, if he isn't willing to improve himself though then don't waste your time.
Don’t waste your precious time. These people rarely change or get help. A relationship won’t fix them.
Can you do please do a video about how a securely attached person handles a breakup?
If they dump you and comes back. Say that they need to follow your boundaries to be welcomed back - that they need to work for it.
It’s been 6 weeks and he seems to be very very cruel. Lots of anger about anything when it comes to me. I never experienced anything close to this during the almost 6 months and I feel I am having a harder time getting past it due to his reactions towards me.
That was the most helpful video about my ex in all of TH-cam!!! I want to keep working on myself continually. I feel like you have the best examples of the actual game plan and executions to make than any video I’ve seen. Thank you so much for your videos!!!
For the 1st time, I've looked back at my relationships and see negative patterns. Amazing....
Wondering why I'm having such a hard time forgiving after betrayal 😪. A hard stop couldn't describe it better. I've got lots of trauma in my past. Had EMDR to try to resolve some of it. Your channel has helped more than you will ever imagine. Thank you.
@Wei Li my 1st husband passed away after we divorced and my 2nd husband died about 6 mths ago from Cirrhosis. My current husband was diagnosed Borderline and Bipolar 2. During a manic event he cheated on me. This brought up alot of trauma from my past and has made me look back.
When I learned about attachment style, I thought I was an anxious preoccupied. I think now this description is more accurate. I can feel the heartache but I can ignore it. I go into what may seem like depression, but I dont feel anything. I dont have many friends. Also with connections, I only really connected with 2 people and I didn't even intend to fall into love. I never really considered that I connectioned to my ex wife because I felt like I never should have married her. Even though we were married 17yrs, I just felt like we were companions but not in love.
I’m really waiting for your video on the difference between Fearful Avoidant and Anxious attachment style.
Roshall Lambert me too
She has videos on both so you could listen. Anxious attachment doesn’t have the avoidant side- they are high anxiety and approachability. FA have both high anxiety and high avoidant levels- depending on the situation and partner they’re with.
Summer ok 👍🏻
@@sshuteandrew thank you 🌞
th-cam.com/video/zFgNxwfI_FQ/w-d-xo.html
What is the emotions of a fearful avoidant after their rebound?
Man this is spot on to what is happening right now. I needed this…this is so awesome. So helpful to me. Thank you !!!
I was fearful avoidant outside of my romantic relationship but once I actually fell in love with my ex i became fully anxious attachemnt in the relationship. That makes sense right? Now being single i am still fearful avoidant in most aspects of my life but when it comes to him I'm very anxious attachment
Mel Ordonez Yes, makes sense. He was probably an Dismissive Avoidant which is why your anxious side was triggered within the relationship. A DA will always make a Fearful Avoidant seem like an Anxious type within the context of that relationship.
That happens. I can relate with that too.
I can relate too.
Those tips/advices at the end are on point. I would show up to the relationship if it's done like this. I'm a fearful avoidant myself so this 💯
Im openly expressive to my husband that I am emotionally shut down right now and in no space to be with anyone. And thats specifically after a friendship went south a year and a half after me and my hubs split. Were now agreeing to get-back together but due to the friend friendship south thing being so recent Im not emotionally open to a relationship even with my hubs. My heart feels blocked. My body feels numb. I have no urge to connect with anyone and all I want is to be alone. He accepts that and understands if he is so committed to being back together he is going to have to wait until im done processing for a long time . Internally I cut all my ties to everyone and cut all connection bc im tired of being hurt even by the few I allow close. I specifically have next to no one close in my life so this is going to take a while to come back from and I can feel that. I told him If he wants to be with me we probably are going to have to work and reestablish a connection from the start again
LiSaia this sounds like a painful place for you to be in, cutting everyone off. What are you don’t to heal and mend your heart? You recognize that isolation isn’t healthy. Did these people really “hurt” you? By not expressing what’s going on inside your heart and mind, you’re more likely to inflict pain on those that do deeply care for you.
Are you in touch again? My ex is now in what you describe
I always get upset with myself because I don't understand why it hurts so much. Why did I give so much? In hindsight they weren't worth it!
I wish I could have a one to one with you. You make so much sense and I can relate to so much of what you say. Thanks you for these insightful videos.
Yea the emotions Feel like destruction
It sounds 100% better! Now we can hear what your voice really sound like without being muffled! Thank you for that!!
Mic sounds awesome!! So glad you didn’t let tech hold you back from sharing all your wonderful knowledge on TH-cam!!
My girlfriend of about a year is fearful avoidant, she moved out this weekend. I hope something here can help me understand how to bring her back. She is a doll, a genuine sweetheart. I dont know what happened. She never mentioned fearful avoidance until she already left. So i am here now
These people are not worth dealing with, trust me. They will continue leaving and push/pull. They’re fucked up in the head.
U need to show you really love her to death and care alot. Try to win her back. I would recommend pursue her and let her think for a while . Thais is right that FA does test you.
17:20
Please do not do a handwritten letter or romantic gesture if they dumped you. They will not want you back they will just see it as low value and not respecting their decision.
shadowhawk no i think they will appreciate it . I am FA. I will feel reassured he loves me. They normally dump you for test and see if you will truly stick with you till the end. Or they felt you were neglecting
@@junelee5975 it puts pressure on them and shows them you don't respect their decision to not be with you. Give them space which is what they asked for. You don't want them to think they can dump you and you'll just be waiting around hopelessly in love while they live their life.
Bad advice that’s Corey Wayne stuff for regular people not the nuance of this condition.
I see so many correlations between this attachment style and HSPs (Empaths, Sensitives, and Intuitives).